#moving back in with either of my parents is gonna put me in a depressive spiral.

[seraphim-soulmate]

how much mold is considered a mold problem in your bedroom also can mold make your heart rate fucked up thanks. Aoh also the wall which has the mold literally falls apart if I touch it so. Not really sure how to get rid of it also I assume there's more mold on the other side of the wall??? idk I think every couple of months I discover mold somewhere and panic and then clean it and forget about it.

[lexosaurus]

Everything Was White: Part 22

[see all chapters]

read on: [ao3] [ffn] (please read tags)

Summary: After being accidentally revealed to the public and taken away by the government, Danny deals with the aftermath of his time with the GIW.

****

The holidays were strange, in a word.

Danny had never been a fan of Christmas, with his parents always too caught up in their work to get into the holiday spirit. And, sure, maybe some of that resentment over his parents doing the bare minimum or—on a few occasions—outright forgetting to celebrate Christmas had built up over the years. 

Sue him.

But it was weird this year. As Christmas approached, Jack came home one day with a few bags full of decorations. He then spent the rest of the afternoon putting lights outside.

The Fenton house had never had holiday lights before. But Danny’s fear of his father finding a way to set the house on fire overrode his excitement about the lights.

Before he knew it, nutcrackers and green wreaths decorated the house. The next day, Jack came home with a tree, and the whole family was ordered to decorate it with him. 

While they did have a tree most years, the last time they hung up ornaments as a family was…

Well, Danny didn’t remember when that was.

“Jazz, stop putting all the ornaments on the bottom branches,” Danny whined, batting her hand away as she attempted to put yet another ornament within the limited scope of Danny’s current reach. “That’s my territory.”

“Then hurry up, slowpoke!” she teased, nonetheless moving to a higher branch.

“So rude. Can’t believe you’re bullying me.”

“I moved it!”

“Mads?” Jack said, handing an ornament over to her.

Maddie had been quiet all evening. She wasn’t in her work jumpsuit either, and Danny wondered if she had spent the day at yet another meeting with their lawyer.

Curiosity was a sinister beast, and part of him wanted to ask his mom what else the lawyer could have possibly said. But considering the last conversation surrounding his zero protections against the Guys in White stalking him everywhere he went, maybe this wasn’t the time.

Jazz fiddled with the Christmas music, skipping over a particularly terrible cover of Feliz Navidad, before she plucked another ornament out of its box.

How depressing was it that Danny was sixteen years old and half of the ornaments they were hanging up were brand new?

“You’re all gonna love your gifts this year!” Jazz said brightly. “No spoilers, but I tried really hard!”

Maddie gave a weak smile. “I’m sure whatever you give will be great, honey.”

“Mine are gonna be bad. Sorry, online shopping only,” Danny said. “Also, I’m broke.”

That, and he’d forgotten that Christmas was—well—a thing.

Express shipping was truly a gift to humanity.

“It’s the thought that counts, Danno!” Jack said, putting that happy-dad mask back on his face. “That’s what I’ve always said!”

He had not always said that. His parents were typically too busy catching ghosts during the coldest months of the year to bother with the holiday season.

Which was fine. It was all just fine. Every family had different traditions, and Sam’s family didn’t even celebrate Christmas at all. But pretending this was suddenly a foundational holiday to the Fenton Family Tradition was ridiculous.

“No rest for the weary, son!” Jack said, placing another ornament in Danny’s lap.

“Sure, Dad.” Danny pushed himself back over to the lopsided tree. 

Jack turned to Maddie. “Your crazy sister is coming up, right?” 

“She’s not crazy, but yes.”

Jazz paused, her ornament dangling in the air. “Aunt Alicia’s coming?” 

“Yes.” Maddie’s gaze flickered to Danny for the briefest moment before settling back on Jazz. “We felt bad we were too busy to get together for Thanksgiving, so we extended the offer for Christmas.”

Danny could translate that well enough: We were too afraid of our mentally unstable son to travel for Thanksgiving.

Dancing around the truth felt almost worse than his parents just openly admitting what a disappointment he was.

No, that was exactly the sort of negative thinking that would rouse suspicion. Not that he had anything to hide, of course. He was a model outpatient kid now.

They continued hanging up the holiday ornaments to the chorus of terrible Christmas tunes that had Jack and Jazz singing along and Danny trying to keep his ears from bleeding. Perfect pitch—or any kind of pitch, for that matter—clearly didn’t come in the Fenton genetic coding.

When they finished, Jack attached a green star on top and plugged the lights into the wall, turning their ornament-bloated tree into an LSD-induced fever dream.

But Danny still couldn’t get it out of his head that Alicia was coming here. Why wouldn’t they go down to Spittoon like they always did?

Maybe they were worried about his wheelchair? Which would have been even more of a reason to give Danny his powers back. Or, maybe because Alicia’s community was anti-ghost?

…yeah. Danny thought back to that old community of closed-off people. Them being anti-halfa was probably the most likely scenario.

His suspicions were more or less confirmed that evening as he floated invisibly in the hall, too lazy to use his wheelchair to go to the bathroom. Jazz, the only perceptive one in the house, was already asleep, so there was no fear of getting caught. The light was still on in his parents’ room, however. Their sleep schedules were almost as bad as Danny’s.

Danny pressed a hand to the bathroom door, about to slip through the wood, when he heard the unmistakable mutter of, “...Danny…” from their room.

His parents were talking about him. Again. If he were smart, he would have ignored it. He already knew what they truly thought about him. There was no need to ruin his night.

But, in fact, he was not smart. So he drifted closer till he was pressing an ear to the door and fighting the impulse to stick his head inside.

“...a good idea?” Jack was asking.

“She’s my sister, hon,” Maddie responded. “Besides, you know what the therapist said about isolating Danny.”

There was a sharp huff from Jack. “I know, Mads. I know she’s been concerned about those patterns reemerging, but it’s one thing to encourage Danny to connect with his classmates and another to invite Alicia into our house.”

“Whatever issues you two have—”

“This isn’t about me!” Jack hissed, clearly struggling to keep his voice down. “I’ve put up with all sorts of talk from her over the years. You’ve seen it! It’s not about me, it’s about our son.”

“She said she was willing to try.”

“Trying isn’t good enough, Mads. I know you two don’t see each other often, and I don’t want to keep you from her, but she can’t step one foot in this home if she’s going to even think about disrespecting Danny.”

There was a brief silence as Jack’s words hung in the air. Then, Danny heard the duvet on the bed shift, a heavy sigh accompanying it. 

“I know.” Maddie’s voice was so quiet, Danny almost didn’t pick it up. “I’ll call her tomorrow, okay?”

“Thank you.”

“I love you, Jack.”

“I love you too.”

The light switched off, and their conversation was finished.

Danny stayed floating in the hallway for some time. So…Alicia hated him now. She thought he was a freak. She thought he was better off back with the Guys in White. And now she was coming here, staying overnight at their house. Perfect. Wonderful. Awesome.

Danny hoped he had enough painkillers to last through her stay.

****

Jazz was going to school early. She needed to do the winter orientation and get acclimated to the city. She was also doing some volunteer tutoring for the kids in the area and wanted to complete the training before the semester started.

Danny had known this. He was fine with it, Jazz, quit asking for his opinion about it.

It was like she thought he was a dandelion about to drift off with the slightest breeze. But he wasn’t.

He wasn’t. 

He wasn’t some child who couldn’t exist without his "big sis"  holding his hand. He was sixteen and had people like his therapists and his best friends to rely on. Of course, he hadn’t talked to his friends about Jazz leaving yet. And although his therapist had brought up the topic a few times now, they hadn’t really talked about it too deeply.

But that was only because there really wasn’t anything to say. Jazz was leaving, and that was that.

“You’re sure?” Jazz asked. “There’s really nothing?”

Nothing? Huh?

Right, there was nothing he wanted from her. Nothing he wanted to do with her. No bucket-list items. He’d already demanded too much from her. She even deferred an entire semester of her dream college because of him. 

So why was she asking if there was anything he wanted to do with her before the holidays were over? Why was she wasting her time?

“I’m sure. Not like I can really get around easily, anyway.” Danny slumped back on the couch.

“Danny, I’m sure we can find some wheelchair-friendly things—”

“That—that’s not what I meant.” Despite his best efforts, he felt his face flush. Or, maybe it was partially what he meant. Who knew anymore, with the way his TBI liked to scramble all his thoughts? “I meant that—with the paparazzi…”

“Okay, then we can dress incognito!” Jazz said. “Come on, not even a trip to the movies? It would be fun!”

“You hate horror movies,” Danny pointed out.

“Did you forget about, oh, I don’t know, every single other genre of film out there? Would it kill you to switch it up for an hour?”

“Yes. It absolutely would.”

Jazz rolled her eyes. “Come on, Danny. For me?”

And there were those big eyes and clasped hands that had defeated Danny so many times before. Really, how was he supposed to say no to his sister when she pulled her trump card like this? 

So unfair.

“Fine! Fine, you can dress me up in a stupid wig or whatever and we can go see one of your dumb movies before you leave. But if we get caught…”

“We won’t!” Jazz grabbed his arm, apparently too excited to contain herself.

She almost looked like the old Jazz, the Jazz that didn’t have to worry about her little brother staying out of the hospital.

Maybe focusing on other things would be good for her. Maybe it was time for her to get away. Maybe she needed this sense of normalcy again.

Maybe it was time to let her go.

Before Danny could ponder that thought any longer, the door swung open with enough force to nearly plow through the wall. 

“Aunt Alicia!” Jazz scrambled from the couch. “Welcome!”

“Jazz!” Alicia stepped through the interior, her suitcase in hand. A green coat had been thrown over her overalls and plaid T-shirt, and she shed it as soon as she stepped through the threshold.  

Jazz hugged her. “Good to see you! You haven’t changed a bit!”

It was true. No matter how old Alicia got, her red mullet and bulldog-like features stuck around.

“I can’t say the same about you!” Alicia pulled Jazz away, surveying her up and down with a grin. “Look at you, your hair’s so long now. And have you grown?”

“Not since I was like thirteen!” 

Maddie peeked over their shoulders. “I can take your suitcase to the guest room.”

“Nonsense!” Alicia barked. “It hasn’t been that long since I’ve been here. I remember where it is just fine!”

“Don’t worry, Alicia,” Jack said, getting up from the couch. “Go catch up with the kids! I’ll bring your stuff upstairs.”

As usual, Alicia hesitated at Jack’s offer, looking him over as if he were three feet tall and made of fool’s gold.

“Thank you, Jack!” Maddie snatched the suitcase and coat from her sister’s arms and passed them off to Jack, who quickly disappeared upstairs. She ushered Alicia into the living room. “Come, sit. It was a long flight. Would you like anything to drink? We have both red and white wine somewhere in the cabinets—oh, the white hasn’t been chilled.”

Danny sat rigid on the couch, the cushions suddenly feeling hard underneath him. His brain registered a strange pressure on his thighs, and he glanced down to see his hands gripping his legs. He let go, allowing his arms to fall awkwardly to his sides, and when he looked back up, he saw how Alicia was slowly lowering herself onto an armchair, leering at him like he was some sort of alien at Area 51.

That wasn’t even a far-off comparison to make. He was the alien. Only, instead of being located in the desert, Area 51 was his damn living room.

“What would you like, Alicia?” Maddie called from the kitchen.

Alicia blinked. “Huh? Oh, whatever light beer you have is fine.”

“I’ll see what we have.”

Jazz hopped back on the couch next to Danny, stretching out like she did after returning home from a run. “How was the flight?”

“Long. It’s cold up here,” Alicia said, frowning at the window.

“It’s been a mild winter so far,” Jazz said.

“Mild to you, maybe. I haven’t been outside of Arkansas in…well, since the last time I was here, actually. When was that, six years ago?” 

“Eight,” Danny said, his memory—usually so full of holes—surprising even himself. He stared at the ground, not wanting to see Alicia’s reaction to his alien voice. “I was eight. My dad tried to play Santa and—and fell on the tree.”

Silence lapsed in the room, and Danny risked glancing up to see Alicia’s inquisitive face once again turned on him, nodding slowly. “Right, I remember that.”

“Oh god, I’d forgotten!” Jazz laughed as if the air weren’t awkward enough to cut with a chainsaw. “Mom was so pissed!”

“Till I got the whiskey in her.” Alicia winked.

Winked. 

Danny, thankfully, didn’t drop his jaw.

It…was okay? He wasn’t a disgusting little cockroach then, infesting this human home with his gross ecto-blood?

It was naive to hope that someone accepted him for what he was. He knew that. He’d been let down too many times in the past. But still, he couldn’t help it, the desperation leaking into him, lifting him up, straightening his spine. He couldn’t stop that pang of longing from stabbing through him. 

And of course, it was stupid, because as soon as Danny’s wide eyes made contact with Alicia’s, a frown appeared back on her face.

Though, only momentarily, as it was broken by Maddie stepping into the living room a second later with a beer can in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other. “This alright?”

“Looks fine to me!” Alicia said.

“You’re all set!” Jack called, bounding down the stairs. “Oh, you ladies having drinks?”

“Of course we are!” Alicia said. “Jazz, you’re old enough, aren’t you?”

“I’m eighteen,” Jazz said.

“Plenty old enough! Maddie, get her a glass of something too.”

Maddie pursed her lips at Jazz.

“I’m going to college soon anyway, Mom,” Jazz pointed out.

Maddie sighed. “Fine, one glass.”

Jazz shot a smug smile at Danny, who was only a tiny bit jealous. Not that he could drink with all the medication he was on, anyway. But a glass of something to diffuse whatever tension he was causing through the horrible crime of existing sounded great.

Well, worst-case scenario, he always had the bottle of pills in his backpack. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t already taken something before this. 

For the pain, of course. 

“You excited for Harvard?” Alicia asked, snapping Danny from his rumination. 

“So excited!” Jazz responded.

“Smart girl! I always knew you’d get there. I remember Maddie calling me all worried when you were applying, saying stuff about how hard it was to get into, and I told her not to worry one bit! I said that girl’s something special, she is. Smartest of the bunch! I said she’d show up every other applicant in the pool!”

“That she did! My Jazzypants kicked some major butt out there! We’re very proud of her,” Jack said.

Alicia only looked a little bitter that Jack had spoken to her before turning her attention back to her favorite niece. “Have you thought at all about what you want to study?”

“Psychology,” Jazz replied easily. “I got a five in AP Psych in high school.”

“That’s the top score,” Maddie explained.

Alicia beamed. “See, Maddie? They’re lucky to have such a bright young woman in their program!”

They were. They really were.

With Jazz now only weeks away from leaving, these conversations had become more and more commonplace with people they met. And Danny was happy for Jazz, and he was a little glad that the spotlight wasn’t on him all the time, but with each new mention of Jazz leaving came a new realization that Jazz was leaving.

“They are definitely,” Maddie said. Glancing at Danny, she added, “We’re very proud of both of our kids. They’ve both worked so hard this year.”

Oh, no.

Now Alicia’s attention was fully back on him. Back on his oversized sweatshirt, his plain sweatpants, his mussed-up hair that he couldn’t remember if he’d combed that morning. He felt just like when Plasmius assessed him for the first time. Tiny, like an ant being crushed under the overwhelming force of a large boot.

Just from the way her eyes squinted as she surveyed him up and down, Danny could tell that she didn’t know if she wanted to give him a fake positive answer or spit in his face. And with every microsecond she continued her internal assessment, he felt the weight of her metaphorical boot crushing him further and further into the ground.

“Yup, Danno’s been getting those grades up!” Jack carried on, his commentary doing little to settle the atmosphere. “He’s got a real knack for science, too!”

Hardly.

And, judging by Alicia’s narrowing eyes, she was certainly thinking of a different kind of science anyway. The kind that involved strapping ghosts to lab tables and cutting them open. 

Still, he tried his best to go with it. “Well, when you live with my parents, it’s hard not to pick up a thing or two along the—um, way…”

Oh no. He had definitely made it worse.

Okay, time to flip the script back onto the favorite kid. “But Jazz is really better at all that stuff. She was in AP Bio last year and aced it too.”

“I didn’t ace it, Danny.”

“A ninety-two is still acing it in my book.”

Jazz’s face was red, though Danny could see the glowing pride that she was currently trying to bury. “Well, college is going to be harder than a high school class, you know!”

“And—and Danny? You’re in school too?” Alicia spoke up.

Suddenly, Danny felt small all over again. “Oh—uh, yeah. I am.”

Only for half of the day, and not in any general education classroom. But saying that out loud would have been too embarrassing. It would have just proved to Alicia that the media was right and he wasn’t able to function like a normal teenager doing normal teenage things, like going to class.

“Danny’s been working very hard to catch up,” Maddie said, offering her most loving and supportive smile, which Danny was sure had to be an act. “Especially after everything, he’s really putting such great effort into his classes.”

“So…Danny…” Alicia tried, shifting her beer can from one hand to the other. She pursed her lips, and Danny wondered what words she could possibly be searching for before she opened her mouth and said, “What do you plan on doing after high school?”

It was such a banal question that Danny almost thought that Alicia was being genuine. But then her voice echoed in his head just once more, and Danny could hear the underlying tones of curiosity and…scorn? 

Or was he reading too far into her?

“Um…” Danny shifted his gaze between Jazz and his parents. “Well…I’d like to—to work for NASA. I think.”

Alicia sucked her teeth. “NASA, huh? That’s certainly a reach. Doing what, exactly?”

Danny shrugged. He’d wanted to be an astronaut before all this. But now that he had more health conditions than he probably knew? 

Yeah. Fat chance.

“I don’t know. I just like space. I know it’ll be difficult, but…”

“Are you kidding, son? All the space agencies will be bidding on having a kid like you work for them.” Jack raised his glass, grinning. “You know how much money it’ll save them to have an astronaut who doesn’t need a space suit?”

Danny winced at Jack’s brazen reference to his ghost half, but thankfully Alicia had done little more than quirk a brow. 

“And Danny’s really handy at working our dad’s gadgets, too,” Jazz said. “I’ve been saying for years that he’d make an awesome mechanical engineer.”

“Yeah, well…” Danny rubbed the back of his neck. “We’ll see what happens.”

“But you do wanna go to college?” Alicia asked.

“I mean, I think so? Why?” 

“Well, I would have assumed you would have wanted to keep doing that ghost-fighting Phantom business.”

Ah. So they were talking about this now.

Danny had never felt so put under a microscope in his life. He would take another round of paparazzi interrogation over whatever this was.

Was it hot in this room for anyone else? Or just him?

“I—I don’t—” 

He caught Jazz’s eye, who thankfully came to his rescue. “Danny does that as a sort of community service. He doesn’t make any money off of it or anything.”

Alicia, for once, looked genuinely surprised. “No? Not even on your social media? I thought all you kids were making pocket money on social media nowadays.”

Danny had to suppress a guffaw. “Um, well, I couldn’t exactly link my bank account to my social media before all this went down. I—I guess I never really thought about that. I probably could now, but…I don’t—I don’t know. It’d feel wrong.”

“Huh, well I’ll be.” Alicia leaned back in her chair. “I’ll admit, kid, you certainly never cease to surprise me.”

He had no idea if he was supposed to thank her or be offended by that.

“As I said, we’re very proud of both of our kids,” Maddie said. She sipped her wine, giving a slight nod of approval to her sister as she did.

“The world is definitely changing. That’s for sure,” Alicia mused.

Danny let out a silent breath, supposing that was about as good as it would get from her. She was an old-fashioned woman from an old-fashioned community. Danny would almost certainly be second place to Jazz in this woman’s eyes for the rest of her life, but considering that he seemed to be lower than dirt to most of the public, Alicia not considering him the favorite was hardly the worst place to exist. 

So long as she didn’t show up with a gun and try to kill him, Danny could take a dose of skeptical comments here and there from her.

****

As usual, Danny woke up on Christmas Day with a foreboding sense of dread coursing through his body.

Although, this year, he couldn’t figure out why. Surely, he had undergone far worse things this year than surviving Christmas. But still, he couldn’t help but let that old resentment linger. And when the realization that he’d need to get out of bed hit him, he was half-wondering if he should just feign ill to avoid his family for the rest of the day. His parents would almost certainly believe him, with his long list of medications he dutifully took every day. Though, Jazz would be able to tell he was bullshitting.

He had to get out of bed, it seemed. But he would let himself take a little white pill first…

When the pain in his chest lessened and his limbs felt light once again, Danny was finally able to take his first real breath today. Maybe everything would be okay, and they would eat good food together, and make good conversation, and everyone would be happy.

Yeah. That would be nice.

He grabbed his walker and headed downstairs. Soon, he would be using forearm crutches. He’d tried a pair out at his last PT appointment and was surprised at just how much more convenient they were than a walker. He hadn’t been able to use them without the support of two adults bracing him, sure, but even just the taste of a smaller walking device rather than the bulky wheelchair and walker that he was currently using was more than a little tantalizing.

If he mastered the crutches, he could go on stairs. He wouldn’t be living the rest of his life under the constraints of elevators and—heaven forbid—stairlifts. 

He knew logically that there was nothing wrong with using those tools. Other people who needed stairlifts and elevators should use them judgment-free. But there was something wrong with him needing those things. 

Because he was Phantom.

And that was the key difference.

Pride at the forefront of his mind, he abandoned his stairlift in favor of trudging down the stairs at a painfully slow pace. He knew Aunt Alicia was watching him out of the corner of her eye, and he hoped that she could see just how much he was trying. No matter how weak and helpless the Guys in White wanted him to be, he wasn’t.

“Danno!” his father called once he’d reached the bottom of the stairs. “He’s finally awake!”

A little more breathless than he wanted to show, Danny meekly turned around to see his father in a full Santa suit, fake beard and all. 

“Merry Christmas!” Jack said.

Oh, that was right. His dad was his dad. “Merry Christmas.”

Jazz sauntered over to him and plopped a Santa hat atop his head.

“Hey!” Danny glared. He couldn’t risk letting go of his walker to bat the hat away. 

Her eyes sparkled impishly in return. “Just passing along the festive spirit!”

“Hi, sweetie!” Maddie said. “Merry Christmas!”

“Ho, ho, ho! Look at all the presents that I—Santa—delivered to these good children!” Jack puffed out his chest and pointed toward the now sufficiently stocked Christmas tree.

“Oh my god, Dad.” Danny almost cringed to death. “You don’t have to—”

“Of course I do, sonny boy! It’s all about getting into the Christmas spirit! Ho, ho, ho!”

“I’m going to puke.”

“Hah!” Alicia barked a laugh, her cheeks rosy.

Danny eyed her eggnog suspiciously.

“Not much for the Santa stuff, huh, kid?” 

“Not really,” Danny responded. “My parents never really did this stuff before, either.”

“There’s always time to start new traditions, honey!” Maddie responded, taking a sip of her eggnog as well. Like Alicia, her eyes seemed a little too bright for the morning.

His legs sufficiently shaking, Danny wasted no time in following his family over to the kitchen where a giant spread of food fit for a family of ten was waiting for him. 

“Good timing, by the way! If you hadn’t come down soon, I would have come wake you up,” Maddie said, stowing his walker off to the side once he’d gotten settled in his chair. “Brunch is ready. Juice?”

“Sure.”

“God, it’s been ages since we’ve had a Christmas together. Hasn’t it, Mads?” Alicia asked.

“I know!” Maddie closed the cupboard, glass in hand, and opened the fridge for the orange juice carton. “Not since Dad was still around.”

“I miss that old geezer.”

“He was a good man!” Jack agreed.

For once, Alicia didn’t bite his head off for speaking to her directly, likely too under the influence to care. “I’ve been trying to figure out how he makes that smoked brisket, but I’ve never quite mastered it.”

“You’ve gotten pretty close!” Maddie said.

“Mads, you’re just saying that ‘cause you have the palate of a toddler,” Alicia ribbed. Lowering her voice, she said to Jazz, though loud enough for everyone to overhear anyway, “Your mother’s a lot of things, but a chef is not one of them. One time when we were teens, she damn near burned the house down making toast. Toast! Who the hell does that?”

Maddie laughed, placing the orange juice and this morning’s dose of medication in front of Danny.

“Our neighbor thought the house was gonna burn down and called 911! The fire department showed up and everything!” Alicia pounded the table with her fist, howling laughter overtaking her.

Everyone else was also in stitches. Everyone aside from Danny, that was, who was trying to down his meds as quickly as possible so as not to let Alicia get a glimpse of the cocktail of pills he’d been prescribed. 

He’d only just gotten her as an ally. There was no need to remind her that he was actually a mutant freak.

“That was a long time ago!” Maddie countered through her chuckles. “I’ve improved since then!”

“Okay, that’s fair. Although, I still did most of the handiwork today.”

“You cooked all this?” Danny asked, eyeing the pans of quiche, cinnamon buns, and bacon.

He was so thankful that of all the things the government had ruined for him, the smell of bacon was not one of them.

“Most of it! Your mom helped me some.”

“Well, let’s not dillydally!” Jack ripped off his hat—taking the beard with it—and tucked it off to the side. “Dig in!”

For once, Danny actually let himself enjoy the meal. Perhaps it was the atmosphere, this new spark of energy that there hadn’t been before. The laughter constantly emanating from the table, the warm, inviting smells of good food, the rambunctious chatter popcorning off the walls of the kitchen. It had been so long since Danny had felt like his home was truly a home. But today, at this moment, he could genuinely feel some of that cold begin to thaw, and he could almost forget that his parents were designing a chip to control his core, that Alicia secretly hated his ghost half, that Jazz was going to leave him soon.

Almost.

But not quite.

The loud conversation made it hard for him to follow along sometimes. Especially under all the drugs, his brain had a habit of zoning out mid-conversation, and when he’d blink back into the chatter a moment later, he’d be missing some key information and would have to scramble to catch back up. His loose limbs helped the pain go away, but the dizzying side effects made him noticeably slow and clumsy with his fork. The first time his fork slipped through his fingers and fell onto his plate, he laughed it off with a comment about the Fenton Butterfingers Curse. The second time he dropped his fork? Well, that was a pattern.

One that he didn’t want Alicia to catch onto.

But that aside, the breakfast was good. It was wholesome. It was proof that they were really a family. A true, loving family. One that did family things like celebrate Christmas together.

At least, that was what he could pretend.

After they finished dishes, they opened gifts. He had actually tried—somewhat—with the little money he could scrape together this year. He’d long since understood that his parents loved their practical gifts, so he got his dad a pack of metal screws, and his mom a new pair of winter gloves. For Alicia, he got her some cleaning supplies for her gun collection. 

For his sister, he managed to find a notebook with little green ghosts on the cover, and the excited hug she’d given him seemed genuine enough. That, along with the promise that she would use it in her psych class next semester. 

“Only if—if you want,” Danny ducked his head.

“Of course I want, Danny!” Jazz playfully batted his shoulder. “Now, it’ll be like you’re right there with me every time I go to study!”

Danny tried his best to shove down the heat that threatened to overtake his cheeks. His sister could be such a dork when she wanted to be.

Although Danny wasn’t expecting much in return—his family had never really given big gifts before—his parents had genuinely left him speechless with theirs. 

At first, it was because he had no idea what the gift was supposed to be. 

“Press that button right there,” Jack said, pointing vaguely at the two small metal contraptions in Danny’s hands.

“Where?” Danny asked.

“Right on the side!” Jack said. “There’s a button on each of them.”

Danny felt around the sides of one of the sleek tubes for a button, and sure enough, when he pressed it, the tube expanded into a full-sized metal forearm crutch with black and green accents. 

Danny couldn’t help but let his eyes widen as he expanded the next one too. “Oh, whoa. Wow.”

“We know you don’t have your ghost form back right now, hon, but when you do, you’re not going to want to carry around anything bulky when you switch back and forth,” Maddie explained. “We didn’t think the current crutch designs were compact enough, so we’ve been working on these ones for the past few weeks. You just press the button and they’ll collapse back into their tubes that you can shove in your backpack or store wherever you need.”

Danny turned the crutches around in his fingers, his brain already buzzing at all the opportunities this would give him. Now, he didn’t have to worry if his Phantom form got tired. He could just switch back. Well, as soon as he figured out how to use the crutches, that was. But he could go outside now! And if he got good enough, he could even use them at school!

The thought of not being half the height of his classmates anymore was enough for his lips to curl up in a smile. “Wow, thanks.” He looked up at his parents, not sure if he’d managed to suppress the green glint in his eyes, and not exactly caring either way. “This—this is going to change so much. Holy—wow. Thank you.”

His dad slapped a hand on his shoulder. “Course, son! Gotta make sure you’re all set up now, don’t we?”

The rest of the gifts were doled out, and though Danny had collapsed the crutches back into their tubes, he refused to let them part with his hands. They stayed curled in his fists until long after all the wrapping paper had been cleared from the floor, his dad took a break from the festivities to disappear into the basement, and his mom and aunt made their way into the kitchen to drink more eggnog and chat about the good old days.

The tree lights gave the room a warm glow, warping around the ornaments and bubbling the walls with splashes of yellow. It was cozy, and for maybe the first time in his life, Danny understood why people liked having Christmas trees in their homes.

“Hey, Danny?” Jazz asked.

Danny turned to see her eyes trained on the fake fire flickering on the television.

“What?” he asked.

“Are you gonna be okay? You know, when I go off to school?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Danny asked, but his voice didn’t have the bite he had intended.

Maybe it was the warmth in the room. Maybe it was his fatigue hitting him. 

Maybe it was the odd guilt clawing in the pit of his stomach.

“I just…” Jazz huffed. 

“Jazz, you need to go to school,” he said, cutting her off. “I’ll—I’m fine. Seriously.”

Jazz didn’t look convinced.

“I’m really happy you…you stayed. But I’m healing, I got Mom and Dad and my friends. I have the—the therapists. You know? I—I’ll be fine.”

Jazz nodded slowly. 

But Danny could still see the fear in her eyes.

“Why?” he asked, turning it back on her.

“I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t be bringing this up now, but I know you’re still holding back with…everything. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to bottle stuff up just because I won’t be around anymore.”

“I’m not bottling anything up,” Danny countered. At her look, he amended. “Okay, I’m bottling a few things up. But—but really, Jazz, the big stuff? I promise I’ve talked about. I’m just adjusting still.”

“You promise?” Jazz asked, her teal eyes wide with hope. 

The nothingburger his lies had been now felt like a thousand pounds on his shoulders, but he knew that if he said no, then Jazz would never be able to be present at school. That she’d be too afraid to make close friends, commit to a club, or enjoy her new life because she would always have one hand on her phone waiting for a call from Maddie, or worse, the police. 

So Danny put on the most reassuring, loving expression he could as he uttered the words that nailed the metaphorical coffin shut: “I promise.”

“Thank you.”

****

previous / next

****

Thank you to @imekitty and @astatia-ghast for the beta work! Also huge thank you to @bibliophilea for helping me get over my insane writer's block with this chapter. I owe y'all for real 🙏

[dbnightingale24]

Christmas Wish List

A Johnny Storm One Shot

~~

Surprise @autumnrose40 !!  Okay, so I had planned for this to go with your gift, but as you can tell, that didn’t work out -__- . This is just a small thank you for being there for me all the time, and listen to me cry and vent about any and every thing. Also, I know that things are tricky right now, so I hope this brightens your day a bit! I love you tons and I hope you enjoy it!

Thank you, as always, to @fuckingbye​ for the moodboard and literally everything else that you do. I love you!

Word Count: 11,037 (don’t get used to this)

Warnings: MINORS DNI (18+ Only!!!!!), Fluff, Angst, Bit of A Slow Burn, Drinking, Smoking, Swearing, SMUT, Insecurity, A Bit of Self Loathing, Bits of Depression, Shitty Ex BF...I think that’s it?

Song(s) That Inspired This Story: You’re Here, Where You Should Be

I do not consent to any of my works/stories being posted elsewhere.

~~

You try to get lost in the Christmas music you have playing in your office, trying to block out the music that’s being played from the ballroom down the hallway. It’s not that you don’t want to observe the festivities going on for the holidays, but you just feel that it’s not the best idea.

“You don’t have to keep working,” Susan Storm laughs, causing you to jump just a little as she enters your little office with two drinks in hand. “You should be enjoying the party with the rest of us.”

Or, Mrs. Richards. She doesn’t mind either.

“No, I still have work to do, it’s okay-”

“It’ll still be waiting for you when you get back from your holiday break,” she interrupts softly as she takes a seat at the other side of your desk. “Are you gonna go and see your family?”

“Um, no family to see,” you smile awkwardly. “Parents are gone, lost them in the attack on the towers, and I don’t have much a relationship with my siblings. I’m gonna stick to the tradition I’ve been following for about...six years, now? My friends and I make our favorite foods, have a big dinner, and exchange gifts.” “That sounds like fun,” she smiles, finally putting down the drink she brought in for you.

“You didn’t have to-”

“You work hard, Y/N. I know we don’t always acknowledge it, but Reed and I do see how hard you work, and how you come in earlier or stay later than you have to. You deserve a night of fun, even if you don’t stay for the party, you should enjoy being young. How old are you? 22?”

“You’re kind!” you laugh in disbelief. “I turn 28 this year.”

“Seriously?!”

“Good genes,” you smirk and she laughs.

“Well, no one is going to hold you to all of this work. If you want to, we’d love to have you at the party,” she says with all sincerity before getting up. She looks over on your desk and sees the picture of you and Johnny at the beach from last Summer and smiles before walking away.

The teeth he had pull to get you on that bike. Sometimes, his patience truly amazed you.

It’s not like you don’t want to go, but you’re trying to avoid him. Ever since the night you made a move on him, almost two months ago, you’ve made it a point to avoid Johnny Storm at all costs. It’s not like you didn’t try and stop yourself, but Johnny Storm is just that:

A fucking storm.

However, you didn’t want to be just a notch in his bedpost so, you did the only logical thing your drunk brain could come up with: you ran out of the room like a bat outta hell. You know it didn’t mean anything, so you’re not sure why you keep thinking about it. You were both drunk and said he said some things he couldn’t have possibly meant. Drunk men will do and say anything to get into someone’s pants, and why should he be any different? Because he’s a superhero? Because he’s your best friend? What the hell does that mean to you? Yes, like most women, you think he’s gorgeous and, even though you hate to admit it, you’ve spent more than a few lonely nights getting off to the thought of him and all of the things you’re more than sure he can make you feel.

Unfortunately, for you, it’s so much more than that.

You work for the Fantastic Four, and you have for fours years now. You get to see a side of them that the rest of the world doesn’t, and that’s what made you fall so hard for him. You’ve seen him triumphant and you’ve also seen him defeated. You’ve seen him being the sweetest guy while sober, and the biggest douche while drunk. You’ve seen the temper tantrums, while you’ve also seen him step up and take charge.

You have seen every side of Johnny Storm and you can’t help but love him. You know most people don’t see it (or think it for that matter), or believe it, but he is complex. He struggles with being a son his parents would be proud of (maybe that’s why him and Tony Stark get along so well), while also struggling with his own damn personality. Johnny is a fire by default (superpowers be dammed), and he can’t help but be a little reckless. He’s the youngest and has been spoiled since birth.

He doesn’t know how else to be.

That being said, you don’t know how to turn it off. You don’t know how to not want him. He’s nothing but chaos, but for you? Well, for you, he acts like he’ll move heaven and hell for you.

You don’t know how to stop being in love with him.

As you sip the whiskey neat Susan left you, you wonder how the hell you’ll be able to keep handling this job?

How the hell will you be able to handle Johnny Storm?

**

Johnny’s P.O.V

Why aren’t you here? I suggested this party just for you. It’s not like I haven’t tried to fight what I feel for you, but it’s...you. Of all the people I expected to fall for, you were who I least expected. Then, I saw you that night a year ago, and you’ve been all I’ve focused on since.

“Johnny, this club is beat!” my date whined before she took a drink of whatever the hell I ordered for her. “Lets go!”

“We’ve only been here for five minutes-”

“And it’s not gonna get any better!”

“Let me finish my drink,” I mumbled, irritated that it was taking me so long to get me to what I wanted.

That’s what I get for hanging around with the crowd that I do.

“Well, make it fast,” she scowled and I rolled my eyes.

It’s not like she was wrong. For a Saturday night, at 11pm, it was pretty dead. Of course, she was scouting for new candidates once I got rid of her, and I just wanted to see if it was anything worth revisiting. I was more than ready to leave as I started to down my drink, but then...

Then, I saw you.

“You can leave if you want. I think I wanna stick this out,” I told my date as I saw you dancing and laughing with your friends to ‘If You Dare’ by Jazmine Sullivan.

“Fine,” she huffed before she ordered another a drink.

I should’ve left, because there was no reason for me to stay. We were friends and I shouldn’t have thought of you in that way. You weren’t like the women I usually dated or flirted with, you stayed focused on your work at all times, you had your priorities straight, you had been through enough and didn’t need me complicating things for you.

You looked so happy and content, and it’d been so long since I’d seen you like that. Yeah, that was on me, but it didn’t matter in that moment. You always wore modest clothes, you never smiled like that while working, you were dancing so freely, and you looked like you didn’t have a care in the world.

I tried, but I just couldn’t look away. As the songs kept playing, and the drinks kept coming, you just became more and more carefree, and it just made me miss you even more.

It’s not like I didn’t believe in real love or relationships, I just didn’t believe in them for me. Seeing you in that moment though...it had me seeing things differently. However, if I’m honest with myself, it started long before that, didn’t it?

“Johnny,” Reed called, pulling my attention away from the X-Games on the screen in front of me, “this is Y/N. Be nice to her, she’s going to help with research and also acting as a receptionist.”

“Don’t tell me you found someone to keep you occupied while Sue is busy,” I chuckled as I looked you over.

You instantly froze at that.

“Johnny!” Reed snapped.

“It was a joke,” I sighed, “it’s nice to meet you.”

“Y-you too, Mr. Storm.”

“God no,” I groaned, “Johnny. Please, call me Johnny!”

“Will do,” you laughed softly, “it’s nice to meet you, Johnny.”

Something abut that small, innocent laugh made something stir inside of me. I made that remark about you keeping Reed busy while Sue was away, because you looked like the type of nerd he’d fall for. I won’t lie though, I did think you were cute. Shy, quiet, anxious, glasses that were slightly too big for your face, a beige sweater that was too big for you, and little black pencil skirt. You were the type of woman I would’ve secretly crushed on in High School.

From that day on, you did your best to stay out of the way. You were kind to everyone, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry or get angry, you were always two hours too early and stayed three hours later than you needed to, and you rarely ever asked for days off. The days when you weren’t in the building felt empty.

Lonely.

I think what changed things for me was how you treated me after the incident with the Silver Surfer.

“Johnny?” you called softly as you came out onto the balcony.

“Stay back, I might fuck you up too,” I scowled, grabbing another beer from the six pack I brought out with me.

“You didn’t fuck up anything, Johnny,” you sighed as you took a seat next to me.

That was the first time I ever heard you curse.

“Tell that to Reed.”

“You went after the Surfer because it was your job. You didn’t do this to yourself.”

“I almost killed-”

“But you didn’t,” you interrupted softly. “Accidents happen. Are you headstrong and cocky? Absolutely,” you smirked and I couldn’t help but scoff, “but you’re also a good guy who loves his sister, his friends, and wants to do what’s best for everyone else. It was just a bad day. All of this will get sorted out and it’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do,” you smiled reassuringly before getting up, “I’ll get out of your hair so you can-”

“No....stay...if you don’t mind. It’s nice...having someone to talk to about this. It’s nice...talking to you,” I muttered as I offered you a beer.

We stayed out there for hours, talking about any and everything. That’s when I learned about your family, your awful money hungry siblings, your shitty boyfriend, your love of art, classic and horror movies, and how much you love to cook.

That’s when I learned that I was in love with you.

Fast forward two months and my luck seemed to change just a bit.

“You can’t be here, Tyler!” I heard you snap softly.

“You’re always here!” Tyler responded with a gruff tone that I didn’t appreciate at all.

How the hell could your boyfriend be getting angry with you for doing your job? Especially when he does nothing to contribute!

“It’s a fucking party-”

“Do you not see how many diplomats are here?! This is much more than a party! Deals are being made, help is being asked for, agreements are being-”

“Another fucking night that you’re not home! You’re coming home with me-”

“Let me go!” you almost yelled. “I have a fucking job to do! A job that pays our bills and keeps food in the fridge, since you lost your fucking job! Maybe, if you’d go out-”

“You little bitch! You know that wasn’t my fault! I-”

“You were drunk on the fucking job, Tyler! You got fired because you don’t know how to get your shit together!”

“You think you’re so much fucking better than-”

“Is there a problem here?” I asked as I made my way out onto the terrace.

“Johnny, everything is fine,” you scrambled frantically over to me, “you don’t have to-”

“Who the fuck are you?!” Tyler interrupted.

“A friend,” I warned as my hands flared up.

I didn’t even mean for it to happen, I was just that concerned and angry. God, what the hell were you doing to me?

“Jesus, you’re fucking the Human Torch?!” Tyler snapped.

“TYLER!”

“You need to leave,” I warned as I made my way over to him, “you weren’t invited and no one wants you here. Leave.”

“Johnny-dammit!” you snapped, touching my shoulder only to find my clothes damn near boiling.

“Fucking stay here if you want,” Tyler snapped, his laugh was condescending, “but I won’t fucking be around when you get back to the apartment. We’re done!” he spat as he stormed off.

“Are you okay?” I asked turning to look at you as soon as he was gone.

“I’m...I’m fine, I’m so sorry...you shouldn’t have had to...fuck!” you winced as clenched your fists, because you forgot all about the burn on your hand.

“Shit! Lets get you inside and wrap that up, okay?”

“No...you go back to the party!” you sobbed as you tried to fight back your tears. “You don’t have to-”

“Hey, lets get you inside, get this wrapped up, and have a few drinks, okay?”

“They’re so many people here to see you-”

“Who gives a shit?” I smirked which gained a small giggle from you. “I have something more important to take care of right now.”

You cried for hours that night and it broke my heart. You hide everything so well, all for the sake of a paycheck, that I sometimes forgot how much you had going on in your life. I forgot about the pain you hid in order to keep your head on straight, the stress you cried yourself to sleep over at night, and the anger you pushed aside so you wouldn’t lose yourself in it.

You make it so easy for people to forget, because you don’t want to inconvenience anyone. You don’t want to feel like you’re a burden, because so many people in your life have made you feel like one. I held you for hours, calmed you down, and convinced you to stay in my room that night. Of course, you protested (not wanting to put me out), but I eventually got you to agree when I lied and told you I usually sleep on the sofa anyway.

I didn’t want you crying all alone in your apartment, and if that asshole would’ve been there when you got home, someone was definitely going to get hurt.

And it wouldn’t have been you or me.

From that day on, I found reasons to be around you. Whether it was keeping you company when you stayed too late, or annoying you until you’d agree to go with me to get lunch.

I don’t know why I was so shocked by how funny you were, but you never failed to make me laugh. Whether it was an offhanded comment, your horrible impersonations of reporters who did stories on the Fantastic Four, or you singing some song you loved off-key, you constantly kept me laughing. You didn’t make a big fuss or catch an attitude when people would crowd around and ask for pictures and autographs, you just stood off to the side and waited for me, always asking if I was okay after all was said and done.

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” I scoffed as we got back to the building.

“I know that you love all of the attention that comes with all of this,” you said with that smart-ass smirk of yours, “but I also know that everyone has a limit. It’s a lot to be in the public eye all the time and, on top of that, you’re a superhero. I know how loud it can get in ones brain and I just wanna make sure that you’re okay. You know you don’t have to hide from me,” you smiled up at me, with those big beautiful eyes of yours.

Of course I had to hide from you. Everyone else could see what was happening, except you. I went from wanting to be in your space to needing it. You calmed me, as lame as that sounds. That ego of mine, that always seems to grow by the second, always seemed to come back down to earth when I was around you.

“Johnny, just tell her you like her,” Susan smiled one day when she caught me staring at you from the living area.

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Cause women like her don’t go for guys like me. She’s too smart for me.”

“I’m sorry, do my ears deceive me? Johnny Storm thinks someone is too good for him?” Ben laughed as he made his way down the hall.

“You don’t have any fucking ears,” I scowled with an eye roll.

“Just tell her, kid. She probably feels the same way-”

“No, she doesn’t. She couldn’t.”

“She spends a lot of time with you for someone who doesn’t feel the same,” Sue encouraged.

“It’s better this way-”

“Just got off the phone with, Stark,” Reed interrupted as he rushed into the hallway, “he and Bruce have discovered a cosmic disturbance and it’s headed...did I miss something? Why are we all looking at Y/N? Is she okay?”

“This is the guy you chose to spend forever with?” I asked Sue with a cocked eyebrow.

“Trust me, I question it sometimes too,” she muttered with an eye roll.

“What am I missing?!”

“Just let it go, buddy,” Ben laughed, “what’s wrong with the world this time?”

After that, I did my best to stay away. It would’ve been best for everyone. I don’t know how to do relationships, and you deserve someone who isn’t emotionally stunted.

At least, that’s what I told myself.

“Did I do something wrong?” you asked one day as you cautiously approached the kitchen.

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

“You just...you seem far away. You don’t come and visit me, we don’t get lunch together anymore, you don’t stay with me after work anymore...”

“You’re perfect,” I sighed, hating how much pain was in your eyes, “I just figured I was becoming a distraction for you. Plus, I know there have been some rumors that we’re dating circling around, and I don’t want you getting hassled.”

“That’s outside. Even in here, you avoid me like the plague. I don’t know, I just feel like we haven’t spent time together in forever.”

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind. There’s a lot going on.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t wanna bother you with it.”

“Johnny, if there’s something I did-”

“It’s not you, sweetheart. I promise.”

God, I hated how sad you looked and I hated that I was the reason for it, but I really felt like it would be for the best. For once, I was trying my hardest not to be selfish. I buried myself in as much work as I could, I went back to dating random models and socialites, and I did my best to avoid you.

“You’re a real asshole, Johnny,” Susan scolded as she made her way into my room.

“Aren’t you supposed to knock before you start harassing someone?”

“Johnny, you’re breaking Y/N’s heart!”

“Stop being so dramatic. I’m sure she’s fine-”

“Then why did I just catch her crying in the research office?”

“Susan-”

“What the hell is wrong with you? You spent every waking moment with her, brought her flowers, her favorite foods, stayed late with her every chance you got, and now? Now, you’re back to hooking up with the same airheads and getting into dead end relationships!”

“Susan-”

“You finally found someone perfect for you and you’re just letting her go? For what? Because you refuse-”

“SUSAN!” I snapped, tired of hearing all of the wrong reasons I’m staying away. “Just stay out of it.”

“What am I missing here, Johnny?”

“It’s just better this way. She’s better off this way. Whatever she thinks she feels for me will go away.”

“Johnny-”

“Just stay out of it, Susan, and close the door on your way out.”

I could tell by the way her eye was twitching that she wanted to say more, but just nodded, before leaving and slamming my door shut.

It’s not like it wasn’t hurting me too, but I didn’t do relationships. I never knew how. I didn’t want my first real attempt to be with you, fuck it up, then lose you forever and all together.

You’re entirely too important to me, and if we’re going to be together, I want it to be forever.

So, I pretended to not feel your longing gaze on me when I would walk by, pretended that I didn’t hear quiet sobs at night when you thought we were all off doing something else, and I pretended that I wasn’t the loneliest I’d ever been in my life.

In response to all of the hell I brought upon myself, I was more irritated than usual, more times than not I ignored Reed and did what I thought was best (everyone loved that), I went to pointless parties with empty headed people, and I kept looking for comfort in women whose names I didn’t care to remember.

No, it wasn’t the best solution, but what else could I do? As much as I was pissing everyone else off, they didn’t say anything. Everything was fine until I saw you on that dance floor.

“Those things will kill you,” I smirked, coming up behind you outside as I snapped my fingers and made a small flame appear.

“Mr. Storm!” you gasped as you almost dropped it. “I...I didn’t know you were here.”

“Mr. Storm? Really?” I scoffed as you lit your cigarette with the flame I made you. “When have I ever wanted you to call me that?”

“Things are different now...” you trailed off before you took a drag of your cigarette.

“When did you start that?” I questioned, nodding towards the cigarette.

“Um two months ago? Maybe three, I’m not sure.”

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing really, just some shit with my siblings, it’s fine. You should get back to your date-”

“She can wait. What’s going on?”

“Mr. Storm-”

“Stop calling me that.”

“No, it’s better if I don’t. I got too comfortable before-”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did. I don’t know, I thought we were friends-”

“We are friends. You’re my best friend.”

“Best friends don’t just randomly start ignoring each other.”

“I’m sorry. I was going through something and I didn’t know how to talk about it. I’m back though. I miss you.”

“Mr. Storm-”

“Sweetheart, please.”

“Johnny...that really hurt. You just left and you didn’t-”

“I really am sorry, sweetheart. I won’t do it again.”

“I should get back inside,” you sighed as you dropped your cigarette and stomped on it.

“JOHNNY! OVER HERE!” a photographer yelled as he started snapping away.

“Fucks sake-”

“It’s fine, I’ll head back inside-”

“Let me take you back to-”

“ARE YOU TWO BACK ON?!” another photographer yelled, “WHAT’S HER NAME?!”

“Lets get you out of here,” I growled as I hugged you close, covered your face, and got us a cab.

Once we got inside, you didn’t let me go, and it tugged at my heart more than I thought it would.

“I really missed you, Johnny.”

“I know, I missed you too, babe.”

“Don’t leave me again, please.”

“I promise I won’t.”

From that day on, we went back to how we were almost instantly. You even started inviting me over to your place. Once again, everyone was pushing me to ask you out, but being apart of your life again was more than enough for me. I stopped going out so much, my attitude went back normal (which according to Ben wasn’t much better), and stopped partying (which made Sue happy).

Every night that I had those feelings, I took care of it myself, your name softly leaving my lips every time. If all I could do was want you, that was fine by me. I still didn’t trust myself with you and I had no intention of fucking things up again.

At least, that’s what I told myself at the time. Then, two months ago, I ruined everything.

“Why are you still working?” I pouted as I poked my head inside your office.

“Because there’s still work to be done,” you giggled, not even looking up from the screen.

“It’s 11:30 on a Friday. You know you’ll come in tomorrow and finish up-”

“Maybe I’ll take tomorrow off, you never know.”

“Yeah, and do what?” I smirked as you shook your head.

God, you were so damn cute when you got flustered.

“I don’t know. Go to Ithaca and walk down a waterfall.”

“What the hell?”

“You can! I’ve done it before!”

“You’ll have to take me one day,” I laughed, “c’mon, close up shop and lets go.”

“Go where, Johnny? I don’t feel like going to a club, or a bar.”

“I’ll order us some food, we’ll have some drinks, and we’ll watch a movie.”

“We can do that any day.”

“Yes, but I want to do it today. So,” I started as I pushed myself off the door frame, “lets turn all this bullshit off and decide on dinner.”

“Johnny!” you laughed as I pulled you out of your seat.

“You know you’d rather be hanging out with me anyway.”

“You’re nothing but trouble,” you giggled.

“It’s your favorite thing about me.”

Everything was going fine. We ended up getting Chinese food, drinks were flowing, the conversation was great, and we ended up watching the ‘Philadelphia Story’.

At some point, you ended up in my lap, and I was holding you as if I’d never let you go. Yeah, we’d been drinking, but I should’ve known better than to let it get that far in the first damn place.

“Don’t you want that, Johnny?” you softly slurred as you laid your head on my shoulder.

“What? A bunch of tricks and schemes, and a failed wedding?” I laughed, just as drunk as you were as I brushed your hair out of your face.

“No! To rediscover your true love and make it work!”

“Is that you want?”

“I think I just want to find my true love,” you chuckled as your arms snaked up and around my neck.

You felt like home.

“What about you?” you asked softly.

“What about me?”

“What do you want in a soulmate? What are you looking for?”

“I don’t think I’m soulmate material.”

“Of course you are! Everyone is,” you promised sympathetically as one of your hands cupped my cheek.

I should’ve stopped it right then and there, but between the alcohol coursing through my veins and how bad I’ve needed you, I couldn’t have pumped the breaks if I’d wanted to.

“What would I want in a soulmate? Someone like you, I guess.”

“Someone like me?”

“You’re perfect,” I confessed softly as I met your soft gaze.

God, you looked so beautiful. When didn’t you?

“Johnny, you and I both know-”

“You’ve been everything to me for the longest time. If I were looking for someone to spend forever with, it would be you,” I admitted as I tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear.

In the blink of an eye, your lips were on mine and it felt like heaven. Everything that I had day dreamed of and imagined, came to life in that moment. When your fingers found their way into my hair, I did nothing to stop them. Even with how tight you were gripping my hair, it was still the closest to heaven that I’d ever felt.

“Y/N,” I moaned as you straddled me.

I had every intention to tell you to stop, but it just felt too damn good. Imagine your favorite dream or fantasy finally becoming real.

This was better than that.

“I’ve wanted you for so damn long,” I whispered as I started to trail kissing along the column of your neck. “I’ve needed you.”

“I’m all yours,” you whimpered as your hands traveled down to the hem of my shirt, “I’ve always been yours.”

You broke away for just a second to take my shirt off, and the whimper that left your mouth had me smirking. It was nice to know that you liked what you saw. Once again, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I should’ve stopped, but the thought alone was too much for me. Instead, I reached for your panties and ripped them off, having to remind myself not to get too excited.

“Johnny,” you whined, “thought about having you like this for so long!”

“Fuck,” I growled into your neck, trying not to get too rough when I bit your neck “you fucked this perfect little cunt thinking about me?”

“So many fucking times!” you confessed with a moan as you ground yourself against me.

There was no way I was stopping.

“Lift those arms, baby. Gotta get this fucking shirt off. I need to see all of you,” I begged with a husk.

And that’s when everything changed.

“No...no, no! What the fuck am I doing?!” you questioned as mortification showed all over your face.

“What’s wrong?”

“This is...this is all wrong! Fuck, I’m so sorry,” you almost sobbed as you got off of me. “Fuck!”

“Y/N-”

“I’m so sorry, Johnny. I have to go,” you sobbed before you ran out of my room.

Since that night, you’ve avoided me like the plague and it’s not like I can be mad at you. I never planned on it going that far, and if it were to ever go that far, I wanted us both to be sober. I can only imagine that you ran off because you didn’t want to be just another trinket.

Another trophy fuck.

Every time I tried to talk about it, you had an excuse not to. Sometimes it was work, other times it had to do with your friends, and sometimes you just told the truth and told me you didn’t wanna talk about it.

I tried to think of a way to make it up to you, but nothing felt right. Flowers felt too small, your favorite food felt like a cop out, and there was no way in hell that you were gonna wanna be alone with me again.I wanted to do something for Halloween, since I know it’s your favorite holiday, but I couldn’t think of anything you’d want to do with me. So, that just left Christmas.

“Sue, why don’t you throw a Christmas party?” I suggested nonchalantly as I sauntered into her office.

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with Y/N not speaking to you, would it?”

“She has nothing to do with this. She and I are just fine-”

“You’re a shitty liar when it comes to me, Johnny. So, don’t try it.”

“I just thought it would be nice. We’re invited to every party, but we’ve never thrown one ourselves.”

There was no way in hell that I was about to fess up and say this was all for you. The last thing I needed was everyone giving me unsolicited advice.

“I’m not buying it, but you make a good point,” she sighed as she sat back in her chair. “I’ll talk to Reed about it-”

“You’re not gonna let him be in charge, right?”

“Just because I’m in love with the man, doesn’t mean I’d leave him in charge of any social event,” she scowled and I chuckled.

“Thank you, Sue. I mean it.”

“Whatever is going on between you two will work itself out,” she promised with a reassuring smile.

I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard on anything in my life, or been so damn stressed. I made sure to have all of your favorite foods on the menu, your favorite deserts, and your favorite drinks. I’m more than sure I annoyed the hell out of Sue, but I didn’t give a damn. As long as everything was set up how you would like it, I didn’t care who I pissed off.

Now, everyone is here except for you. Going to see you won’t help anything, but even if you don’t forgive me, I at least want you to enjoy a party that was built around you.

“Johnny, standing in a corner and pouting won’t help anything,” Susan sighs coming up next to me.

“This is her favorite song,” I mutter as ‘Silent Night’ starts playing.

“Is that why three different versions of it are on the playlist?”

“I wanna make sure she hears it.”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“She’s still not here, Sue. Even if she doesn’t wanna see me...they’re a ton of people here and she’s still not here.”

“What happened?”

“It doesn’t matter.” “Johnny-”

“Just drop it, Sue.”

“Well, give it time. I went to see her and, while I can tell that she’s torn, I think she’s going to show up.”

“How are you so sure?”

“I can just tell. When something is right, it just works out,” she smiles before turning her attention back to the crowd, “Natasha! Bruce! I’m so happy you were able to make it!” she beams before walking off.

I pray that she’s right, because I don’t know what took me so long to realize that you’re the only person I’ll ever want to commit to. I know that I can be a real pain in the ass and difficult, but I’m willing to work on myself if it means that I can have forever with you.

I’m willing to do any and everything if it means I can make you mine.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t impressed with the party. All of your favorite foods, you’re more than sure you’ve heard at least four different versions of ‘Silent Night’, every drink option that you love...

It has to be Johnny.

God, why did that night have to happen? Where the hell did your self control go? No, you don’t think Johnny would ever intentionally hurt you, but you also know that Johnny is shit with commitment. It’s not like the man doesn’t try, but you also know that the idea of him being with one person forever terrifies him.

However, that doesn’t change the fact that you miss him so damn much.

You came into the party with the intention of staying out of sight and out of mind, but Ben was in a good mood and pulled you into a conversation about latest research you were helping Reed with until Alicia pulled him away. You tried to get back to your corner of solitude, but somehow, you found everyone wanting to talk to you.

Unbeknownst to you, Reed and Sue had been talking you up. Telling everyone how much they appreciate all the hard work you do, how committed you are to your work, and how your attitude always brightens the mood, no matter how bleak things may seem.

Now, you’re being asked left and right if you’re willing to split your time, if you have any friends that are just as hard working as you, and where you studied Science at (in hopes of finding someone just as dedicated as you). As flattered as you are, you just want to stay in a corner by yourself, quietly scanning the room for Johnny (and whoever he brought as a date), and make sure that he’s happy. For as heartbroken as you’ve been for the last two months, that doesn’t mean you don’t want to see him happy.

Even if it is with someone else.

Sure, you could go and talk to him and put an end to all of this, but that would mean facing him, and you’re not ready for that just yet. Yes, you were both drunk and got swept away, but you don’t know how to handle it the way you think you should yet. The fact of the matter is: you love Johnny Storm. You have been for a while and you had been doing such a good job at hiding it. You’d seen the type of women Johnny fooled around with, and you knew you’d never live up to those standards. Yeah, he remember what he said that night, but he was also drunk and horny. No, he’s not a bad guy, but you’ve seen him play women before by drawing it out even though it was obvious to everyone else that he had no intention of sticking around. You’d like to believe that you were different, but once again, he was drunk and horny.

Accidents happen all the time.

However, you’ve been asking yourself the same question over and over again since the whole thing happened: if you could take any of it back, would you? You come to the same answer every time.

Hell no.

Having some of Johnny was better than having none of him, even if it was only for a moment. So, you told yourself that the next time you see Johnny, you’re going to apologize for your actions, promise him it’ll never happen again, and hope that you two can go back to the way things were.

At least that’s what you keep telling yourself.

After a few more uncomfortable conversations, you’re finally able to grab yourself a drink and make your way back into a corner. It seems silly to be in a corner of a party that seems to be catered around the things you love, but you just feel safer. Being in that room full of high profile diplomats and superheros just doesn’t feel right alone. It won’t feel okay unless Johnny is by your side.

“Why don’t you ever come to any of the parties?” Johnny asked you as he met you outside of your apartment complex. “You’re always invited.”

“Those parties are the last place I belong,” you scoffed as you put on the sunglasses he gifted you last week.

He told he got them for you because he was tired of you blocking out the sun with frames that didn’t suit your face.

“Why do you say that?’

“Cause that’s not me...it’s you,” you motioned towards him.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You constantly save the world, and you’re ‘Mr. Personality’. That whole thing is your scene, not mine.”

“You’ve been huge help on all of those missions-”

“I’m a behind the scenes kind of woman, Johnny.”

“You don’t have to be. You could go with me,” he offered and you rolled your eyes.

“It’s all fun and games until you leave me for some model-”

“You know better than that, sweetheart. I wouldn’t leave you alone in a crowd, especially when I know how uncomfortable it’d make you.”

“You’d wanna be seen with me over some shiny model?”

“You’d wanna be seen with me over some fuckin’ book about space and atoms?” he questioned with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk as you let out a full bodied laugh. “Why wouldn’t I wanna be seen with you?”

“I’m not the kind of woman you’re ever seen with.”

“That’s because the only time you hangout with me is when we hangout for lunch.”

“When else can we hangout? You’re always busy or fucking.”

“We can hangout whenever you want, just say the word.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I mean it, tell me when you want to hangout and we will.”

“I wouldn’t even know what to do.”

“What are you doing today?”

“Lunch with you and then I was gonna do some more research on-”

“It’s your day off!”

“There’s always more work to be-”

“Yeah no, we’re hanging out. Your schedule has just been cleared. I know exactly what we’re gonna do,” he smirked as he pulled you along with him.

“Johnny-”

“Trust me!”

Usually, you hate Summer. You don’t like the beaches in New York, so there’s never one to go to. Sure, you can go to Jersey, but it’s always crowded and such a hassle to get to that, by the time you get there, you’re not even in the mood to do anything anymore. So, you usually stay in and do your best to avoid the heat, which is impossible because the city is always filled with too many people.

Summer hadn’t been something you’d enjoyed in a while.

However, that day that you spent with Johnny was one of the best days you’d ever had with him. He took you to one his favorite sports bars, spoiled you just a bit with new glasses and a necklace that he saw you eyeing while you waited for him to get off the phone with Reed, took you to his favorite casual restaurant for lunch, took you to the MET (you couldn’t tell but it made his heart so full to see you so happy), accompanied you on a stroll through Central Park, treated you to a movie, took you to dinner at Carmines (how he knew you’d always wanted to go is something you still don’t know), and ended the night with riding you around on his motorcycle (which only took about 20 minutes worth of convincing).

“See? I’m pretty fun to hangout with,” Johnny smirked as you both leaned against his bike, looking out at the view from the Brooklyn Bridge.

“I had the best day I’ve had in a while,” you smiled, laying your head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry about some of the hell we had to deal with today. The paparazzi and the fans-”

“It wasn’t terrible,” you shrugged. “Yeah, I was completely out of my comfort zone, but I felt safe with you.”

“Yeah, hanging with The Torch has the effect,” he said smugly and you burst out laughing.

“Never refer to yourself that way around me ever again,” you breathed once you finally caught your breath. “It has nothing to do with you being ‘The Human Torch’. I just feel safe with you...I trust you. I always have.”

“Yeah? Enough to go to one of these parties with me?”

“I will go to a party with you, I promise,” you giggled.

“Ready for me to take you home?”

“Lets stay here just a little bit longer?” you begged softy.

“We can do whatever you want, sweetheart.”

You wish you could just go back to that night. Everything was simple, and the both of you were so happy. Now, it’s all a fucking mess.

“Hey,” a familiar voice says softly from behind you. A voice you’ve missed more than you’ll ever be able to put into words.

You told yourself that you’d be gracious about the whole thing that you’d talk to him like an adult. Yet, the second you feel his breath on the back of your neck, you take off running like a deer in the headlights.

In fucking heels no less.

“Y/N! Please!” Johnny yells running after you.

Why are you running? There’s literally no reason to. It’s not like any crimes were committed and you didn’t murder anyone. All you did was almost completely give yourself to the one person your heart burns for.

No big deal.

You’re quick to get inside your office and start pacing, taking deep breaths as you try and calm your nerves. Why can’t you calm down? You can do this! You’ve talked to Johnny about so many things that were much more difficult than this, so what is the problem? You just want him back in your life, so you need to stop hiding from him (literally), and grow up.

“Wh...when the fuck did you...become a fast...fast runner?” Johnny breaths as he leans against your door.

“I’m sorry...” you mumble, toying with fingers and looking at your feet.

“Can you please talk to me? This is insane! It doesn’t have to be like this!”

“I know and I’m sorry, I really am. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about everything, but its turning out to be a lot harder than I thought.”

“Why? Yes, things got...heated, but we’ve always been able to-”

“We’ve never even kissed before, Johnny. That night...it’s not the same.”

“We’ve talked about more complicated things than almost hooking-”

“Johnny, I love you. I am so in love with you and I...I had planned on keeping it to myself, because you don’t do relationships, and that’s fine! I was fine with how we were, but then we kissed and said things...my panties came off...I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but it’s hard, because now you know. I made the first move, I said what I said...I wanted to talk to you, but I just couldn’t be around you yet,” you finish softly.

Wow, that came out a lot easier than you expected.

Since he isn’t responding you keep going, “I’m happy to just be your friend, Johnny. You’re always going to be my best friend, but I know we can’t be together, and I can’t take seeing you with other women yet and-”

“Why not?”

“Why not what? Why can’t I take seeing you with other women? Johnny, I just told you I’m in love with you-”

“No, why can’t we be together?”

“Is that a joke? You don’t-”

“I can-”

“Johnny-”

“For you, I can do anything,” he promises sincerely as you finally meet his gaze.

“Lets not do this-”

“I love you, Y/N. I love you and I have for a while now. I’ve had a crush on you since I first saw you, and the more I got to know you, the more all of it spiraled out of control. Why do you think I stayed away for those four months? I was trying to get over and distance myself from you, because I didn’t want to fuck all of this up. I didn’t want to ruin your chances with someone else by breaking your heart. I really did my best to leave you alone, but I was miserable without you, which I think speaks volumes about how much I love you. Even with Raye, which we both know it’s because of me that didn’t work out, I wasn’t all that broken up about it. Yeah, I hated that I hurt her, but you saw how quickly I bounced back from that. I can’t bounce back from you, Y/N. I can’t and I don’t want to.”

“Johnny-”

“I’m loneliest when I’m without you, I’m constantly in a shitty mood when we’re not speaking, whenever I’m out fighting to save the world I’m only thinking of saving you, your laugh is my favorite sound in the world, I listen to your voicemails when we’re not talking because it’s the only thing that soothes me, your touch is what I crave more than anything else in the world, I’m lost when you’re not around...I am so insanely in love with you. I love you to the point that it hurts.”

“Johnny...”

“If you don’t want this, that’s fine, but I think you do. I think you want this as bad as I do,” he states softly as he makes his way over to you.

“You don’t...you don’t like relationships. You said so yourself that they’re just not for you because you don’t wanna be chained to someone-”

“That was before and it was stupid for me to say that. I don’t know, I just...I don’t feel like that with you, sweetheart. If you want me to stay away, I understand and I’ll do just that,” he promises softly as he stands in front of you.

“I...I didn’t say that,” you confess, looking down at your fingers.

Using his forefinger, he gently lifts your chin so your gaze is on him, “tell me what you want.”

“I want to believe that you want this, because it’s all I’ve been thinking about for a while and...I don’t believe you’d ever hurt me, but I know you, Johnny. I know...how you act and that commitment scares you and I don’t want to be-”

“I wouldn’t say anything if I wasn’t serious about this. Serious about us.”

“Johnny-”

“There’s no one on this planet, or the others for that matter, that I find more beautiful than you. No one gets me like you do, no one cares for me like you do, no one...loves me like you do, Y/N. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t look at anyone else, and I’m never gonna love anyone the way I love you. You’re the only person I’ll ever want to commit to and that’ll never change.”

“Say it again,” you beg softly as he leans in closer.

“You’re the only person I’ll ever want to commit to,” he breathes softly, his face a mere few inches from yours, “and that’ll never change.”

Before you have a chance to think of an argument, his lips are on yours and you’re gone. Yes, you still have your fears and reservations, but you miss Johnny. You already missed him when you weren’t around, but now that you’ve kissed him and felt his hands all over you in that way, you crave it more than anything else in the world.

You crave him.

“Johnny,” you moan as he kisses down your neck.

In all honesty, you wanna tell him to stop, but you can’t seem to form the words or remember why. Instead, you wrap your legs around him as he picks you up and places you on your desk. What’s the point of stopping anyway? You believe him and it’s starting to become very clear that you two are no longer able to keep your hands to yourselves when along together.

“I fucking missed you,” Johnny growls, hiking up your skirt then ripping off your panties, “never letting you go again.” “Fuck!” you gasp at the feel of his thumb on your clit.

You’re more than sure the warmth flooding through your body has nothing to do with his power.

“So fucking wet already? We’ve barely gotten started,” he smirks teasing your cunt with his fingers.

“Pl...please,” you whimper softly, “dreamt of this for so long!”

“Tell me what you’ve dreamt of,” he coos as slowly sinks two fingers into your desperate and greedy cunt.

Right now, you love him just as much as you hate him for torturing you.

“Having...having you all to myself, loving me, pulling me...apart, oh my God!” you cry out at the feel of him curling his fingers. “John...Johnny please!”

“Tell me more,” he pushes, picking up his pace just a little, applying just a bit of pressure to clit, which only makes you cry out in pleasure as you start grinding yourself against his fingers. “You’re a fucking dream, babygirl. Tell me!”

“Fuck! I’ve thought about...oh Johnny,” you moan, lulling your head back as you feel a warm sensation on your clit, kicking shoes off and curling your toes.

“Never thought I’d ever have you like this, baby. So fucking perfect, baby. Gotta tell me more or I won’t let you cum, and I can tell just how bad you want to by the way this pussy is squeezing my fingers,” he chuckles, easily sliding in a third.

“Jesus!”

“No, just Johnny,” he teases as he picks up his pace. “C’mon sweetheart, be a good girl and tell me more!” “Aht! I’ve...I’ve been dreaming of you on your knees eating my pussy while fingering my ass, want...wanna taste you so fucking bad, Johnny!”

“Fuck,” he growls, no longer teasing you, and you can tell he’s desperate to give you whatever you want. “Keep going, babygirl!”

“Dreamt of you fucking me hard and fast, claiming and making me all yours! I wanna feel you so deep inside my pussy, baby!”

“Give it to me, sweetheart! Be a good girl and cum hard for me!”

Your body has been ready to obey anything Johnny has to say for years, so you’re not surprised that you squirt hard on his fingers as the words leave his mouth. You’d be embarrassed, but you’ve wanted this for so long that you just can’t be bothered to feel any shame. All the cards are laid on the table now, so he may as well see every side of you.

Not just the parts that are work appropriate.

Johnny grips your neck with his free hand before puling you upright and crashing his lips into yours, “who knew my perfect girl was so filthy?” he broods once you two break apart, still fucking you through your high.

“Need you, Johnny! Please!”

“I’m gonna take care of you, baby, I promise,” he smirks, removing his fingers and bringing them up to your lips, “open.”

Keeping your gaze on him, you open your mouth and stick your tongue, your pussy clenching around nothing at the feral growl that leaves his mouth.

“Suck ‘em clean, sweetheart,” he commands, as he gets down on his knees.

You feel his breath on your core when you remember, “not here!” you mumble around his fingers. “The cameras!”

You hear him mumble incoherent against your folds and you whine in pure want, needing one of you to come with a solution fast. Thankfully, Johnny’s on his feet almost instantly, taking your hand in his while he removes his fingers from your mouth, and pulls you along with him.

“Follow me, sweetheart,” he broods, practically jogging down the hall.

At least he’s just a desperate for you as you are for him.

He pulls you into the elevator with him, hits a button without even looking at it, before pinning you against the wall and kissing you passionately. One of his hands snakes its way up your skirt, and you moan into the kiss as he starts fucking you with two fingers.

“They’re cameras in here too,” you giggle with a breathy moan as he starts biting and sucking on your neck.

“A little making out in the elevator never hurt anyone,” he smirks before licking the spot he just bit.

“And how about getting fingered?”

“They can’t see that, sweetheart,” he whispers in your ear before biting the shell of it.

Johnny Storm is gonna be the death of you.

When the elevator finally arrives at the floor he selected, you whine in protest when he removes his fingers, and is pulling you out of the elevator. In almost no time at all, he has you pinned against his bedroom wall and is kicking his door closed before getting on his knees.

“You don’t know how much I’ve gotten off to the thought of eating this perfect little pussy, baby,” he groans before licking your clit.

This must be what heaven feels like.

“Oh my fuck...Johnny! Yes!” you cry out, running your fingers through his soft brown locks, gripping them tight before grinding your your pussy against his face.

He easily slides two fingers into your soaked cunt, curling them as they give you a warm sensation. When you feel his lips pulling on your clit, you lull your head back and hike your right leg over his shoulder, granting him better access to your greedy cunt so he can fuck you deeper. His free hand travels up your side, finding yours, and he entwines his fingers with yours.

The small gesture makes your flutter and fall in love even more.

“I love you so much...Johnny! Need to feel you, please!”

Maybe it’s because it’s Christmas, or maybe it’s because he’s just as desperate as you, but your pleas doesn’t fall on deaf ears. He starts licking and sucking on your clit with such ferocity, you won’t be surprised if the whole hears you as you yell his name, a euphoric cloud washing over you as you coat his fingers and lower half of his face with your desire, gaining a grunt of approval from him as he fucks you through your high.

“I will be back down here tonight,” he promises as he kisses his way up your body, unzipping your skirt and letting it fall freely to the ground, “ but right now, I wanna get lost inside of you.”

“Please,” you whisper once he’s on his feet again, unbuckling his belt as quickly as you can.

“You sure you want this, sweetheart?”

“Too late to turn back now, and I don’t want to. I love you and I want this with you, I want everything with you.”

“God, I’ve waited so long to hear you say that,” he smiles before crashing his lips into yours.

Clothes come off easily, and they’re no sounds other than the desperate and hungry kisses you both are giving one another. His skin is heated and his touches are soft and, for the moment, you can’t remember what the hell you were so afraid of. Being here with Johnny, like this, and having him all to yourself is all you’ve ever wanted. You know the fear will come back later when all is said and done, but with the way he looks at you, the way he holds you, and has always looked out for you, it’s hard to believe that he would ever hurt you.

It’s hard to believe that this isn’t meant to be.

“Lay back, baby,” you tell him breathlessly as you softly push him back, “I’m gonna take care of you tonight.”

“You are nothing like I imagined,” he smirks and you laugh softly.

“Is that good or bad?”

“So fucking good,” he broods as you dip down lick the tip of his heated length. “Fuck,” he sighs as he grips the sheets.

“Just relax, baby. Let your good girl make you feel good.”

No, giving Johnny Storm (aka the Human Fucking Torch) a blowjob probably isn’t your best interest, but you’ve dreamed about it too long to not do it.

You smooth your hand over his abs, your pussy clenching around nothing as you try and figure out how you got so lucky, while you’re hand strokes him in an attempt to prepare yourself for his size and length.

“Just relax,” you coo before finally getting your mouth on him, moaning in satisfaction at the taste of him.

“Shit! That’s it, babygirl! Fuck, just like that!” he moans as you start to take as much of him as you can.

Your movements are slow at first, taking more of him bit by bit as you relax your throat to accommodate him, falling in love with the way that you’re making squirm beneath you and breathe heavy. Once you’re finally able to fully accommodate him, you’re unable to to control yourself when you pick up your pace as your hand starts to play with his balls.

“FUCK Y/N!” he proclaims, eyes clenched shut as he tries to control himself.

You run your hand over his his abs in an attempt to calm him, but it’s useless because you’re too worked up yourself. You turn your gaze up towards him to find that his gaze on you is intense and heated. In fact, you’re more than sure you see a little orange tint around his eyes, and it only turns you on more to see how much you’re playing with fire.

Literally.

“Not gonna....fuck, I’m so....FUCK!” he exclaims, filling your mouth to the brim, bucking his hips a little as he fucks all of it into your mouth.

You ignore the desperate longing between your legs as you do your best to swallow everything he has to offer, wanting to make sure you don’t miss a single drop.

“You okay?” you smirk once you’ve cleaned him to your satisfaction.

“I need to be inside of you right now, get your ass on top of me,” he growls as you giggle.

“Tell me what you want and I’ll do it,” you promise as you straddle him, rocking your hips against his, your soaked lips dragging along his cock.

“I want you to do whatever you want...whatever will make you happy, sweetheart. I’m yours to use however you want,” he moans as his hands start to travel up your body.

“I want to make you as happy as you’ve always made me,” you moan, adjusting yourself so you can align him with your entrance. “I wanna show you just how much I love you...SHIT!” you cry out once you start to slide down on him.

You’ve never been so full and you’re not even half way down.

“Oh my GOD!” you whimper, loving the delicious burn of him stretching you. “Fuck!”

“Never had a cock this big before, sweetheart?” he questions with a cocky grin, with his mouth slightly agape.

“N-no, but...I can t-tell you’ve never been in a pussy t-this tight!” you moan, finally settling against his hips.”Tell me how good it feels baby,” you moan, pressing your hands against his chest, the hairs a welcome comfort as you dig your nails into his pecs.

“Fuck, best pussy I’ve ever been inside of,” groans as he grips your hips tight, the heat radiating from his hands sending you closer to release. “Thought having you like this to myself for so long, and God, you’re better than any fucking fantasy that I ever came up with...fuck! That’s it, baby!” he encourages as you pick up your pace, rolling your hips against him. “So fucking beautiful!”

“S-so fucking close!” you whine, clawing at his chest, finding that spot deep inside that only ever seemed to exist when you used your vibrator. “Aht, aht! YES!” you cry out, squirting hard as you try and ride out your high.

You’re only left in charge for a second before Johnny wraps an arm around yourself, and sits upright which only pushes him in further.

“FUCK!”

“You are the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen, did you know that?” he broods, gripping your hips before starting fucking into you relentlessly.

“Johnny! Please...feels too good!”

“I’ve been watching you for so long, imagining what it would be like to be worthy of you...your love...fuck, the way this cunt squeezes me!”

“Never felt this good!”

“Gonna spend all night showing you just how much I love you...how much I’ve needed you,” he mumbles into your chest, before taking one of your nipples into his mouth and licking it.

“Fuck!” you gasp, running your hands through his hair as you try to hold on, still tying to recover from the last orgasm.

His tongue is deliciously vicious against your nipple, showing no mercy at your desperate whimpers and pleas, not even when tears start forming in your eyes. You’ve never felt this good in your life, and while you’re more than sure you’ll be sore tomorrow, it’ll be more than worth it. You’ve been waiting for this forever and there’s nothing that could make you regret it.

You’ll never regret giving all of yourself to him.

“Mmm Johnny! Too much!”

“I know you can give me more,” he encourages with a husk, looking up to see you in your blissed out state. “You’re fucking gorgeous,” he groans, his skin getting just a bit hotter, sending you over another euphoric waterfall.

At some point, you’re going to need to remember to invest in aloe.

“Ya know, I don’t think my bed has ever been this wet,” he chuckles, before getting you on your back and starting to fuck into relentlessly. “I think I wanna make this a nightly thing,” he husks, entwining fingers with one of your hands, while the other is planted firmly by your head.

“Oh my GOD!”

“What do you think about that, babygirl? Hmm? Be my good girl during the day....my filthy, desperate little thing at night?”

“Johnny...” you sob, that knot in your core tightening again.

He dips down and whispers against your ear hotly, “I think that’s exactly how it should be. Cause you were made for me, just like I was made for you.”

You feel your legs start to tremble as another orgasm starts to build, and you truly wonder if you’ll be able to last the rest of the night after this one.

“C’mon babygirl, I need it. Please,” he rasps into the crook of your neck as his movements become erratic.

“Too much! I...I...FUCK!”

“Y/N!” he shouts as he fills you with his seed, you squirting on his cock, only soaking the bed even more.

As you fade out of consciousness, you try to remember if you’ve ever felt so full and loved in your life, and you’re pretty sure you haven’t.

“You okay, sweetheart?” you faintly hear him ask, and you only have enough energy to nod. “Did I take it too far for you?” he chuckles and you giggle.

“No baby, I just need a minute, “ you smile up at him. He dips down and starts peppering kisses all over your face and you start laughing, “don’t tell me that you’re a giant softie underneath that giant ego of yours.”

“You know it’s only for you. Its always only ever been for you,” he groans as he pulls out, before laying down beside you and pulling you close.

“And why is that, Johnny Storm?” you question as you lay your head on his chest, feeling secure and like you’re loved.

“Because I love you.”

“Say it again.”

“I love you,” he chuckles before kissing the top of your head.

“I don’t know if I should even bother giving you the actual Christmas gift I got you,” you smirk as you start to press soft kisses along his chest.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he sighs, and you can tell he’s getting worked up all over again.

“Hmm? Why’s that?” you ask, propping yourself up on one arm, while the other softly stokes his chest.

“Because,” he starts, cupping your cheek and stroking it gently, “you were all that I wanted, and it’s been that way for a long time now, Y/N. You were all that I had on my Christmas wish list.”

~~

taglist: @autumnrose40​, @fuckingbye​, @emerald-evans​, @maroonsunrise83​, @whxre4cevans​, @sweetflowerdreams​, @whiskeytangofoxtrot555​, @companionjones​, @pono-pura-vida​, @nomadstucky​, @mazda098​

[my-castles-crumbling]

I want to start this off saying you dont have to reply if you dont want to i just felt like i really needed to talk to someone about it and i dont want to burden my friends with it.

Basically me and my mom have been getting in arguments because she has and idea of who i should be in her head and every time i make a mistake or accidentally remond her im not that person she gets upset. I dont know how to be quiet when she starts talking super condescendingly to me and this ends in an argument cause "i shouldnt be talking back". I dont know what to do any more. I tried for so long to be exactly who she wanted me to be and i literally couldnt be that person. But i tried for so long and it was killing me. It put me in a horrible place mentally until i finally gave up on being who she wants me to be and decided to just be me sort of. I dont really know whats me and whats left over from trying to be someone else for so long but im trying and im exhausted. I live with my mom and its not possible for another couple years for me to move out so i just have to deal with it. Most of the time i feel guilty for just existing because i cant be that person. I promise im gonna keep trying but im so exhausted because i get yelled at for struggling with every day tasks that are so easy for everyone else but they take so much effort from me. I feel like i need to tell my mom that i cant keep this up, that it almost killed me once and honestly its probably still left me with depression, but every time i work up the courage to say anything the words get stuck in my throat so i just dont. The biggest issue behind this is my emotions are either way to big or nonexistent and i just feel like i shouldnt exist because she had an idea of me and no matter how hard i try i cant even come close to being that person.

Anyways sorry for the rant, didnt mean for it to be so long. Obviously you dont have to respond if you dont want to, just knowong someone will read it and someone will know that im struggling for once is enough. Thank you so much <3

Hi!

Honestly, I think a lot of kids struggle with this. And I don't say that to negate your feelings, I say that to mean, you're very much not alone.

I think we need to remember that our parents' expectations of us aren't always realistic or feasible, and even though a lot of times it's based on love and good intentions, you can still be successful in other ways without meeting their intentions.

Also, our parents are just people. We don't need their approval to be good people or to be successful.

I think the best way to deal with this is to look at their expectations with a neutral perspective. Ask yourself, is this something that you absolutely HAVE to do in life to be a good person/be successful? If not, don't trip over yourself to meet that expectation unless you want to.

For example, if they want you to become a doctor, you don't have to do that to be successful unless you want to. You could also be a mechanic, and electrician, a teacher, etc. But if the expectation is to be respectful, then YES that's a fair expectation. There's a difference.

I hope this helps <3 naming you expectations anon

[dinsdjrn]

everything i wanted | j. miller | track two

track one | track three | masterlist

bodyguard!joel AU

AU!Joel x singer!f!reader

summary: I'm scared to death I'll scream your name and still there's not a thing I would change. That's okay, but I think about it. rejection never gets any easier, but we all find ways to move on. [w.c: 4.4k]

tags for the series: 18+, minors DNI, angst/fluff/eventual smut, sarah's dead (plot), ellie is alive, parental manipulation/abuse (maternal) (reader is in a classic love bombing abuse cycle please note the mother is not redeemable), depression, drug and alcohol use, sobriety, stalker behaviour from a fan, will update as i go, this ones gonna get dark but it will have the happy feel good too! as always if anything is missing tell me and i will add it!

a/n: i am back from vacation and ready to write the days away. this one is for @tightjeansjavi who keeps me going and reminds me not to quit.

track two - think about it

It always felt weird to record a song that struck a chord close to your heart. You were pulling on the most exhausting day of your life, and it wasn’t even entirely yours anymore. It had been polished and produced into something you recognized, but not something you knew and understood. It was a frustrating, but undeniably, good song. It held some of the grit you craved, whilst keeping the image that was carefully curated for you.

Overall it had been a successful morning in the studio and your complaints were for you to bury alone. When everyone had taken a break to grab a coffee and come back with fresh ideas, you stayed behind to send a small clip to your parents. 

[Audio Message]

Finally a complete song for the deluxe!! Can’t wait for you to hear the rest :) 

Your dad loved the message, all you got back from your mom was a ‘Call me’. 

You sighed making your way out into the hallway where there would be better reception. To no surprise Joel was just outside the door of the studio waiting. 

“I’m just making a call, uh, to my mom,” you said, not entirely sure why you explained it to him. 

“Do you want some privacy?” He asked. 

“Oh, oh no, it won’t be long. Sorry, I just didn’t know-“ you rambled, cut off by your phone buzzing in your hand. You swiped to answer it, now flustered from the most meaningless interaction with Joel.

“Hey Mom, How’d you like the clip?” You asked excitedly. 

You slowly sat down on the floor across the hallway from Joel. 

It was something that could go either way, but you were hopeful your excitement would deter a rude remark. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” She spat. 

“What?” Your voice dropped, clearly defeated. 

Joel looked at you perplexed. You just rolled your eyes and sighed. 

“This isn’t a hit for the deluxe! Telling your fans you hate them is no way to make people WANT to listen to you,” She exploded, completely missing the point of the song. 

“Well you’ve just heard a bit, it’s about more than that.”

“It’s not what it’s about, it’s how it’s perceived.” She was condescending. 

“Okay, sorry mom.” Your voice broke.

“Well don’t make me out to be the bad guy, you asked for my opinion. At the end of the day it’s your album and whether you sink or swim is up to you,” Her tone was sharp and quick. It dug into your mind in a way only she knew how to do. 

You weren’t sure why you put up with her anymore, maybe you felt guilty, maybe she is just under a lot of stress, maybe, maybe, maybe…

“No, you’re right,” you sighed wiping tears away, “We’ll work on it.” 

“Love to hear it sweetie. The next one will be it I’m sure!” Her tone changed again, giving you emotional whiplash. 

“I have to go, the studio is going back in.” You lied.

“Go on! Make a hit! I miss you!” She promptly hung up before you could reply. 

As the call disconnected you felt the tears welling in your eyes spill over. Her words didn’t hurt you like they used to, they frustrated you to no end. 

“Fuck,” you whispered. 

You weren’t paying super close attention to your surroundings, but you felt a presence sit next to you on the floor. 

“Hey, hey, it will be okay,” it was Joel talking to you, comforting you. 

“I’m sorry, she is just so fucking frustrating,” you leaned your head back against the wall. 

This was so beyond what you’d ever expect of him, but it was comforting nonetheless. Your heart swelled at the sentiment. You weren’t one to really crush on anyone, but Joel had this gravity to him that pulled you in. 

“You’re okay, she has no idea how amazing it is,” he continued softly.  

“What?” You asked, confused at this new softer side of Joel. 

“The song, it’s great. I know people are going to love it.” He offered a small smile.

“We won’t know until it’s out there,” you sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose. 

“Well I know, for a fact, one fourteen year old girl is going to love it,” He continued, “Hell I’ll probably hear it so much I’d pay you to take it off the album for me.” 

You offered a sympathetic laugh for his attempt at a joke. 

“Ellie?” You asked. 

“Yeah, the kid loves you, it didn’t connect until well… we got here.” 

“What made you finally recognize my music?” You asked out of curiosity. 

“The album on the wall, I’m pretty sure we have it on vinyl. And I’m fairly certain that vinyl rarely leaves the record player.” He rolled his eyes, they were softer than normal. 

You weren’t sure if it was out of sympathy for your pathetic display, or fondness for discussing his daughter. Either way you liked this side of Joel, it tugged at your heart. His complexities making your mind wander, you want to see him, really know him. 

“Well, she is welcome here anytime,” you said. 

You placed a hand on his crossed arms, it sent a chill down your arm and spine. Just a touch sent you into a frenzy. Your hand lingered and the silence drew on for just a moment longer than it needed to. Joel cleared his throat and it brought you back. 

“Thanks, uh, yeah thank you,” he turned away from you standing up. 

You had stopped crying and stood up to meet Joel. 

“Thanks, for being there. Well, and boosting my ego,” You smiled making your way to the door behind him. 

“Anytime,” he said with some southern drawl. 

You didn’t spend much more time in the studio that day. Your head wasn’t in it anymore and everyone could tell. You also had drinks with James to get ready for. Once everyone called it an early day you headed home to change and get ready for a night out. He didn’t say anything the entire way home, just like the day before. Joel followed, he kept his distance, staying in the common spaces looking somehow both devastating and intimidating. 

“Joel,” you breathed, dizzy and giddy from the atmosphere and the alcohol in your system. 

When you had agreed to go out, you only committed to one drink. Then one drink turned to four, and pounding back drink after drink made the world fade away. The booth gossip no longer interested you, you took James by the hand and made your way to the dance floor, Joel following suit. 

“We should get you home,” he stated, attempting to shuffle you back to the table. 

“This could be fun, if you let it! We could make the most of a bad situation!” You threw your head back and laughed. 

You brushed your hand against his arm. This was bold and unlike you in all aspects, but you were letting go. Letting go of the past 3 days, letting go of the past 5 years, letting go of every rational thought you’ve ever had. 

“No, you don’t know me. You’re drunk. I’m here to do a job, nothing more, nothing less.” He pulled away from you and forced you back to the table. 

“Joel, you don’t understand. I haven’t felt like this for anyone in a long time and you have to tell me you feel it too.” Your tone growing serious, accusatory.

What he said next sent an arrow straight through your soul. It was sobering and rejection hadn’t hit this hard in a long time. 

“I don’t, there is nothing between us. If you got caught up with me that quickly you’ll get over it twice as fast.”

His words winded you, you were too drunk to read him, but you tried. There was no sense of regret, mistruth, no sense of anything really. He was cold as the moment you met and it was harrowing. You’re sure if you were sober you’d see nothing but a cold, uncaring man. 

You had never felt a pull like this from anyone, and in the short time you’d known one another you desperately wanted to believe he felt it too. That’s all it was though, desperation. The first person in so long that made you believe that they might care about you, even if it was just for a paycheck. In less than three days he had treated you like more of a human than half the people you had met in the last five years. 

“Take me home, now.” You whispered. Unable to look him in the eye.

So he did, like any security detail would, he got you into the car with minimal disruption from paps. Not a word was spoken between you, the silence warped to your despair. Being turned down so blatantly was something you were used to from labels, but never like this. Never with someone you felt such a connection to so quickly. 

In the car your phone buzzed, you thought it was James asking where you went. It came from an unknown number. 

You can leave, but I will always follow…

It was definitely from the same person, yet you couldn’t bring yourself to care. This was your secret to keep. You didn’t want to come off as overly dramatic as your mother had previously accused you of doing. So you deleted the message and moved on, it wasn’t like it was a note at your door. 

When you got back to the apartment you made your way to your room without a word, stumbling down the hall. You didn’t want to cry, not for this. You wanted to sleep and hoped that this night would become a hazy memory, bound to your drunkenness like a secret. 

You stared at the bathroom mirror hoping that at the very least you could harness this feeling into capital. The thought made your palms clench and chest tight, you felt like you were suffocating. It sent you into a spiral you hadn’t felt in a long time, the fear of failing, not being good enough overwhelming you. This album was eating you alive and all around you you were surrounded by rejection, from Joel, from your mother, from your label; every direction pulled your head below the water in a new way. 

You hadn’t had a panic attack in years. You reached in the cabinet for your meds, you hadn’t needed them in so long, but as the tension in your chest began to build you felt yourself slowly losing control. 

Gripping the counter you let this feeling fester until it slowly passed. All you were left with was the fading buzz of the drinks in your system becoming a sleepy haze you were sure to regret in the morning. 

The next morning, the night before wasn’t brought up. It was almost unnerving how cold Joel was toward you but somehow he came off as indifferent. You knew any trust or relationship you had built was officially gone. Nothing left but ruins in your wake. 

By noon, he was gone and his relief Will Jones had arrived. Will was an older gentleman who clearly kept up with himself over the years. He was warmer than Joel and would make conversation the same way you’d make it with your dad. You knew you’d get along fine, but he also wasn’t Joel. 

You weren’t too keen on conversation, somewhere between the dull ache in your chest and your hangover you’d forgotten

your kindness. So Jones gave you your space and you worked on your music. 

And that’s how it went… for three weeks you’d rotate between Joel and Will. Not saying much to either of them. Wake up, go to the studio, get nothing done, go out and forget your frustrations, and repeat. Three weeks of failure in the day forgotten with a bender in the night. 

Texts would come through, always from a different number. Always along the lines of missing you and loving you, never threatening you. You never thought much of them and always kept them to yourself deleting them soon after they came in. 

You were falling apart and didn’t think anyone was going to notice. No one ever had before and there wasn’t anyone close enough to you to care. 

You felt stuck creatively, nothing you were making was impressing producers enough. You felt stuck personally, forever between a rock and a hard place. Your mother berating you for coming up with nothing, receiving a cold shoulder from Joel who you had only grown more fond of, feeling so isolated and alone even though this is what you’ve always dreamed of. You should be grateful for everything you have, but it came at the expense of your soul. 

It had been a particularly bad night for you, Will was with you tonight and you had gotten particularly clobbered. It was messy and no one was brave enough to stop you. You felt the eyes and phones on you and it was the moment you knew this was going to be a mess your team would have to clean up. Your carefully curated image of a humble small town artist was being thrown out the window. Just one night where the eyes at the bar looked a little too closely, they found out a little too much about you. It would all come crashing down in just a few short hours. 

“Get me out of here,” You said to Will, pulling on his sleeve like a toddler.

“Let’s go,” He quickly shuffled you out of the bar and to a car that was waiting outside.

The paparazzi were insane this time around and you had never felt so scared. The word must’ve already been out where you were and everyone wanted the shot that would destroy your image. It was worth so much more than a photo of you leaving the studio, or on a pre planned date with another emerging artist. 

The flashes made you nauseous and the banging on the windows and shouting from outside the vehicle had installed a new type of fear and anxiety within you. You clenched your fists and loved your eyes solely focusing on your breathing and heart rate. It was hard to focus in with all the noise around you and you knew that if their cameras got the shot it was going to be messy but you had to calm down. 

Eventually your car had made it through the mob of people and back to your apartment. You needed to collapse in bed, just sleep and forget everything. As soon as you came through the door you made your way to bed, fully clothed, make-up on, and began scrolling through twitter. Of course there were photos of you from tonight that had begun circling. TMZ was already spinning a story about how you had flown off the handle, with a full segment to come in the morning. Daily Mail had jumped on an article too in the forty minutes it took you to get home. 

Just like that it had all come crashing down so fast. Maybe it was the attention you had wanted, maybe not. Something about having your image fall apart and the world watching you come undone was cathartic and yet you didn’t feel any better. You knew you were making a mess for someone else to clean up. You were still buzzed beyond your capacity to form a coherent thought about the repercussions you would face. You knew what was to come and yet, in your state, couldn’t bring yourself to care. So in the most pathetic attempt to make the pain go away, you fell asleep.

Someone had woken you up the next morning, it didn’t feel like you had slept for very long. It could also be that you had slept a long time, you were just hungover. You rubbed your eyes which had felt extremely dry, and when you looked at your hands the black smears of mascara reminded you of the night before. You had fallen asleep without even making an attempt at getting ready for bed. You had never felt so disgusting, you’re sure you were a pitiful sight. 

“What time is it?” You croaked. 

“It’s nine in the morning.” A voice you hadn’t expected said. 

“Mom?” You questioned fully opening your eyes and looking at where the voice had come from. 

There she was in the flesh. She looked as if she had just walked off the page of a magazine, not a single piece out of place. 

“What are you doing here?” You sat up and questioned. Your head was pounding and you struggled to put the pieces of why she would show up unannounced together. 

“I flew out as soon as I saw what was going on on twitter,” She started, “And I’m glad I did. This was the first thing I saw when I landed this morning.” 

She stood and stalked toward you dropping a tabloid paper on the end of your bed. 

There you were in all your drunken glory, right on the front page, trying to escape the bar the night before. You flip to the article which basically called you out for cracking under the pressure of fame. Maybe they were right, you had reached your tipping point of rejection. 

You couldn’t stop what came next, but everything just came crashing down. And as if you were a kid again your mom came to your side and wrapped herself around you. 

She whispered that it would be okay, and how proud she was of you and for a moment you believed her. It didn’t matter what her motives were, whether or not she just wanted you back in the studio. It was nice to feel like someone cared, you’d been so surrounded by ghosts who didn’t give a shit about you to sit and be held and be told your love was enough to forgive her all over again. These were the tender moments you clung to for dear life. Without them there would be no one left to care about you, and you would fade away.

“Come on, let’s get you ready to go,” she said when you had started to calm down. 

There it was, she wanted you back into the studio to capitalize on this. For the moment you could forget about that though, because at least she was here, at least she cared. 

Within the hour you had made it to the studio and started tweaking some of the songs you had worked on before. Your mom had made herself brief and was on the next flight back to New York. Her work was done and you had been put on a strict studio to home lockdown by your team. It was for the best. 

The morning in the studio had been weird, Will and Joel were supposed to switch off today and as the day grew later you wondered if Joel had finally thrown in the towel. Just as your mind got away from you  he came in flustered with a kid in tow. 

“Thanks for covering for me man,” He said to Will.

He turned to you and looked apologetic, “Is it okay if Ellie sticks around today? She got into trouble at school and my brother was already at work, no one was available to watch the kid this short notice?” 

“Oh yeah, of course!” You smiled and said a little too cheer-y.

Joel looked at you for a second longer than comfortable and his eyes grew softer. He was reading you like a book. You’re sure you didn’t look great but no one had made a note of how miserable you looked. 

“Thanks,” he stepped toward you. 

“You alright?” He spoke softly, looking directly at you. 

You melted away at his concern, you felt like you were the only person in the world. His features grew soft just for you and all the feelings you tried so hard to get rid of had pushed their way to the surface again. 

“Yeah, I will be,” And just for a second you believed it. 

Your focus came back to the room and the young girl shifted behind Joel. 

“Hi! Ellie, so nice to finally meet you! I’ve heard so much about you!” you stood and made your way to her. 

Ellie then smiled so big and beamed your way. You pulled her into a hug and she reciprocated. When you pulled away you could tell she was just buzzing. 

“I’m such a huge fan,” She said. 

“So I’ve heard. I hear you’re also quite the guitar player?” You looked at Joel who was smiling fondly at the interaction between the two of you. 

“I’m alright,” She said shyly. 

“Well, I have a song I need some help with so let’s see what you’ve got?” 

You and Ellie took a seat on the couch, you were excited to introduce someone to this world. You always felt like the one who knew the least but you could see the light and excitement in her eyes. 

“So I usually try to tell a story, pull from hardships in my life,” you explained. 

“Oh,” Ellie said and shifted a bit uncomfortable. 

“You don’t have to though? Is there anything you feel you want to get out in the world?” You asked. 

“Well,” Ellie hesitated, “I guess there is one thing, that’s kinda bugging me.” 

“Okay?” you pressed. 

“See, there’s this, uh, girl. She isn’t out yet but we were together for a bit.. and uh, well she ended things but I still have feelings for her.” Ellie’s demeanor changed and became disheartened. 

“Wait, I actually think I have something you might be able to help me finish,” you said frantically digging in your bag for your notebook. 

And that’s how it started. You and Ellie spent the day writing a melancholy love song together. Little did she know the piece you had written was for her father. 

The song spoke of the one person who could derail your whole life if they wanted and you had so much fun writing and recording with Ellie. She even helped with the harmonies and the production. It was a great song and throughout the whole process you and Joel shared knowing looks with one another. For a moment there was a sense of understanding and forgiveness between you.

You wanted to grip onto this moment and never let it go. Forget all the scandal, the fear, the things that got you into this position and just hold onto the feeling of understanding between you, Ellie and Joel. 

All good things must come to an end though, as Ellie left with her uncle so did the warmth that Joel carried. You felt as if you were back at square one and there was nothing you could do about it. 

The drive home was quiet and uncomfortable as it had been the night he turned you down, but you couldn’t figure out why. 

When you returned to the apartment it was so quiet. You and Joel hadn’t spoken much in the last three weeks but this silence was deafening. There was so much you both wanted to say but neither of you could find the words. 

“Goodnight, Joel,” You said quietly, getting ready to take your leave. 

“Y’know I saw the pictures from last night?” He said and you were taken aback. 

“I’m sorry?” You tensed, not needing a reminder of your downfall. 

“I saw them all, you dancing with those random guys. Shit faced beyond yourself. I couldn’t help but blame myself,” He looked at his feet. 

“Joel it’s not your-“

“I lied to you,” he cut you off.

“Oh?” 

“Three weeks ago, I lied to you and told you I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know if you were being truthful or if you were just drunk, but I felt that connection too.” He admitted.

You were left speechless. 

“I lied because I have a job to do, and I have to keep you safe. I couldn’t risk that for what I thought was just a fleeting moment of attraction. Seeing you last night though? That nearly killed me. I wanted to rip their damn heads off, the men, the paps, all of them.”

He sighed and continued, “I care about you, I care about the way you feel. I want to know you, I want you to care about me and that’s fucking terrifying.” 

“Joel,” you said barely above a whisper, not sure what to believe. 

You hadn’t realized it but he had made his way to you, and once you noticed his presence was suffocating. 

“I want to keep you safe. After seeing you with Ellie today I don’t want to wonder what could have been. I need to know.” He looked right at you, moving a piece of hair away from your face. Gently cupping your cheek. 

“Joel, I’m a mess.” You turned away from him. “The whole reason you’re here is fucked up, and I clearly am not one to handle things well. I’m so fucking scared and I-“ 

Before you could continue his lips found yours and you were pulled into an all encapsulating kiss. The way his lips moved against yours was like a man starved. It was delicate but desperate all the same. You sighed against him and he wrapped his hand around your waist gripping you close. It said everything you couldn’t say to one another. Nothing had ever felt more right and for the first time in so long you had felt safe, like everything was going to be ok. 

When you finally pulled apart his hand lingered on your waist and you knew there would be so much to discuss in the days to come. Now was not the time though, the what ifs, and logistics could come later. For now you were wrapped in the bliss of the truth, the safety of your apartment, and the idea that this moment was just for you. 

“Goodnight, Joel,” you smiled, and kissed him on the cheek. 

“Goodnight, darlin’,” he said and released his hands from your waist. 

You were on cloud nine as you got ready for bed, tired from the emotions of the day and still nursing a wicked hangover. 

Just as you were getting ready for bed another text from an unknown number came through. Your heart stopped and elation came crashing down. 

How could you? 

tags: @pedgeitopascal @morning-star-joy @canseethebrushstrokes @skysmiller @contemplatingchemtrails @kyloispunk @skythighs @reader-without-a-story @aryastark-baratheon @thetriumphantpanda @ilovepedro @beskarandblasters @joelsversion once again i am horrid at tag lists but happy to make an attempt at adding u <3

[bluestrawberrybunny]

Pssst. Pssst! You guys wanna see another design of Exubus?? Do ya??? Do ya??? (Warning, body horror, kinda… as well as mentions of death, manipulation, depression, and cult stuff)

I drew this back in March, please go easy on me-

The scarred-face-guy is Exubus, by the way, although he goes by Talon at that time because he had his memories erased and it’s a whole thing… (basically boils down to reincarnation with Exubus being split in two, his memories and majority of his powers being locked away from his physical body, which was put in a sarcophagus and locked away to keep the two halves from reuniting.)

What is Exubus’ main goal in the Abnormal Freedom Force/Paranormal Investigations world? Simple. Destroy literally everything because in his eyes, mortals should not exist due to there being even a sliver of bad.

So, context for the drawing above, Exubus has people working for him, manipulating them like he did the in Apprenticeship AU. Kris (red sweater) and Manny (blue scarf) Boyce were tricked into working for him as hitmen due to them both being orphans who were basically willing to do anything to survive.

Ace Rook (shades) is the head of the Galactic Alliance and is using Earth for illegal experimentation, now under Exubus’ orders. Why did he join Exubus? It was a purely selfish reason, because he was illegally experimenting on his own children before Exubus even came into the picture, so it was to save his own ass.

Cassidy Williams (redhead at the bottom) joined Exubus in order to become more human, as she was only half human due to her mother being an alien. So, she became more human and now works as a sort of figurehead for Exubus to use to control the masses, same with Darius Dunn (glasses and suit boi). Although Darius joined because his father was the leader of the cult worshipping Exubus before his father was… killed… by Exubus. Since he was the golden child, he continues with what his father was doing, ignoring everything bad the man did.

Kris and Manny are the only ones who end up escaping Exubus’ influence and control. However… one did it through a not-so-happy way. Kris accidentally killed Manny while on a hit. Manny had a change of heart, stepping in front of Kris as he went to kill their target, only to have killed his twin instead.

Kris breaks down, and is eventually found by Paranormal Investigations in pretty bad shape, as Exubus wasn’t too happy about him messing up the job, and Kris lashed out at him due to his grief. They take him in and nurse him back to health, and are well aware of what he did. Kris is… broken, to say the least. He barely eats or moves unless someone forces him to.

They have a funeral for Manny, burying him next to the parents of some of the members, and Kris decides to help them stop Exubus, despite him still technically having control over him.

That’s all I’m gonna share for now! But yeah, the AFF/PI gets a bit dark…

But I did want to share more info about it because this is something I’ve been working on since late 2017, and I don’t plan to stop working on it anytime soon either ^^

(But as you can tell i like to add OCs and put them in fandom/au stuff too because these are my children and i love them)

[purplepuddlesuwu]

//My relationship with Art and my ocs//

(Warning talking about serious topics and me Yapping and a little venting)

Sometimes I forget how a lot of my art/Characters is a form of me venting.

Yes even my suggestive art and NSFW art. It's super to think that NSFW art can be used in a form of expressing trauma. Yes both Horrror/Gore/sexua NSFW.

I was thinking I don't do vent art anymore which is how my therapist told me I should express myself. So I thought that meant drawing gore, death, self harm, etc.

But I started experimenting with sex. Mainly like using my persona: Puddles. In a sexual way that represents me in a way. I get goofed on a lot about Puddles being a 'Harlot' or a 'Slut' or a 'Whore' which whatever I guess but Puddles is a lot more than just that to me.

Puddles is an ex- succubus. A failure of a demon. She was banished from hell and heaven due to no one wanting her because of her beliefs and because of the way she wasn't 'made right'. I made Puddles to represent myself in the mind that I wasn't 'made right. I was born into a Jehovah Witness household and raised on those beliefs. But growing up Bisexual, a tomboy, and having ADHD. I didn't feel like I fit into my own family. Especially with the threat of if I didn't worship God right I would be exiled from all family circles and no one would talk to me not even my own parents. My "Family" in this instance to me was my hell.

But the heaven I thought I found with other people in fandoms I was interested in or hobbies I was into or people who were also queer didn't seem to be a welcoming spot for me either. (Not saying all of it but sometimes I did feel unwelcomed in certain spaces at certain times of me trying to figure myself out.) So I sometimes felt like an outsider there too.

I always struggled connecting with people both in my family and in other communities. So making Puddles was kind of my way to express that. Express that I felt alone and yet I still wanted to be involved in sometype of community. Which is where Jin, Cho, Jasmine, Ruby, Sparrow, and some of my other oc's come into play. Jin representing the Warriors Fandom because I based him off of Jayfeather. Cho presenting the furry fandom. Jasmine, Ruby, and Alastor representing the Lgbt+ community and me trying to figure myself out. Sparrow representing those who were raised similar to me in a highly religious household raised on the whole "I don't mind gay people but I'm glad you aren't gay" type of vibe.

And I have plenty of other oc's representing different parts of my life and my experiences and other stuff. But those are the ones off the top of my head.

Sorry I'm getting off topic. Maybe... I don't know. ANYWAY! Sex and expression go hand and hand with me. I started taking antidepressants around 2018 I believe and I was put on birth control in 2019 or 2020 can't remember. So it's safe to say my sex drive was GONE. So I lacked in that department for.... Years. Until 2022/23 when I went off of it when I moved out because I couldn't afford it. It honestly felt so weird and unnatural to have these feelings come back not even gonna lie to you. I mean before then I drew sexual stuff in 2020 but it was mainly because I followed some cool artists that were doing it and it honestly wasn't a lot of NSFW.

But once I got my sex drive back I kinda decided to start expressing all that sexually tension that I was depressed by antidepressants and birth control. Both in a MLW and WLW And MLM. Because it was a form of I guess 'catching up' . Because I mean I used to read a lot of smutt before I went on my meds but while I was on them, nope... Nope... Not even once. Maybe I would glance but it never interested me. Now it all came back and I pretty much dived in and honestly felt sad that I felt like I missed out on a lot of expressing myself through means like this.

Not just in art but also in clothing. I never dressed sexy or showed skin or nothing like that. Mainly because like I said I grew up in a JW household so I would get slut shamed for it but yeah you know what I mean.

I wanted to express myself through sex and suggestive art and sex appeal. It all interested in me especially seeing other artists do the same thing and feel how I felt. Growing up repressed from expressing ourselves our of fear of being labeled a whore or an slut or anything like that. Hell one of my favorite artists I follow is a woman who grew up similar to me and she drawing self ship art NSFW and she very much inspired me and I still follow her and look up to her now. It just feels... Empowering to be able to draw NSFW and dress sexy and be sexy and have a sex appeal and arouse others in the form of art (even if I'm not aroused by it)

It's just exciting and feels rebellious and freeing.

ITs hard to explain to people who don't understand so I'm not gonna try lmao. You either get it or you don't. I'm sorry.

But yeah Puddles, and my other oc's are really just a form of venting and rebellion to me. And I love them dearly.

I feel like this whole thing had like a point to it but maybe I just wanted to Yap I don't know. If you have questions about this I don't mind being asked questions about my oc's/my persona/ or even myself.

[youredreamingofroo]

Alright for the oc questions, you can choose who each one is for whether it’s Roo or Leo or someone else! But I thought these might be fun to answer!

💍 RING — does your oc have any piercings? do they want any (more) piercings?

🍎 RED APPLE — where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace?

🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

AAA DAZEY TY!! Usually I just default to Roo when I do these (if an oc isn't specified), so I'll do Roo AND an extra oc if I can think of an answer for them :))

questions from this post/rb

[ under the cut due to length :) ]

💍 RING — does your oc have any piercings? do they want any (more) piercings? Roo does NOT have piercings! He's too much of a pussy to get piercings LMAO I don't blame him 🫂🫂

Hero, as you can see, has a lot of piercings LMAO (or ~sort of~ see idk), she has 8 piercings, 3 nose piercings, 2 ear piercings, and 3 lip piercings. Hero is currently satisfied with the amount of piercings she has, but if she WERE or WANTED to get another piercing, it would either be dimple piercings or the piercings u get under ur eye (i dont remember the name >:T)

🍎 RED APPLE — where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace? Roo was born in Gothenburg, Sweden, but was swiftly moved to Washington, USA, this was around the peak of Virginia's (his mother) depression, so she [Virginia] was VERY prone to making irrational decisions, one of which is moving entire countries... anyways, I digress. Roo, obvs, doesn't live near his birth place anymore, he still resides in WA (where? I have not solidly decided :)), and due to funds, he does not plan to move back anytime soon, but he absolutely LOVESSS his birthplace and Sweden overall c: So unsurprisingly, he really wants to move back to Sweden (esp to see his little sister Deliahna)

Leo was born in Carmarthenshire, Wales, grew up in Carmar., Wales, and around when he was 18-19 years old, he moved to Luverne, Minnesota, sooo obvs, he doesn't live near where he was born LMAO Leo will often scowl and have a bitter taste on his tongue when he hears people talk about Wales, this is mostly due to his mental connection of Wales = His Parents, of whom he wants nothing to do with them :)

(^^ This question took me forever because I had to do research on regional accents and stuff so that I wasn't just spewing nonsense and nothingness for future references ajshjhdskj)

🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

3 of Roo's Neutral/Questionable traits: His Clinginess/Obsession- I consider this trait a very hit or miss trait, or in this case, questionable, due to the fact that his clinginess/obsessiveness is NOT apparent at first, and upon getting to know him more, his clinginess will show through more, but it becomes questionable when he starts to take interest in someone... he becomes obsessive out of nowhere, and it makes you wonder where on EARTH that came from, but it derives from his clinginess, it's kind of like a pokemon evolution... Attraction -> Clinginess -> Obsession... His silence- Roo tends to be very quiet, that's... that's kind of it LMAO There's really nothing questionable about it, it's just a neutral trait for him His humor- A questionable trait, as he uses humor a lot to cope and avoid answering serious questions (" are you doing okay? " " Who's okay and why am I doing them? " ykyk KDSAJKDAJKD), albeit a very socially acceptable trait, its undeniable that it's still. questionable. especially when the source material is his own trauma-

(^ I was gonna write more for this question but my brain genuinely fried typing this- it makes me so sad that my brain stopped working and I would put posting this off but I reallyyy wanted to answer this so KSJHSJKJ 😭 Im sorry- also hence why there's not a second character..)

[montammil]

So glad to see your updates! You are awesome. I would like to request superheroes au: Lawrence as supervillain (obviously), and he kidnapped 3 young heroes, because he wants villain family. I also would like to see how would Nathan, Sadie and Marshall interact and help each other. (I imagine Sadie will act as big protective sister for others some reason) .

Have a good day! \(*0*)/

Aw, thank you!! I'll make a part 2 soon if anyone wants me to!! Sorry its a little short, I love writing for villains and heroes and just sci-fi in general, I'm just a little inexperienced writing for it. I hope its ok!

CW: Parental whumper, kidnapping, shocking, manipulative whumper, multiple whumpees, mentioned depression, mentioned insecurity, mentioned parental abuse, mentioned stalking

Marshall looks around the abandoned warehouse with anxiety. He recently just got a note threatening to destroy half the city if he didn't show up, which made him want to laugh, since that's the most stereotypical thing a villain could do.

He can assume who it was from, considering there has only been one villain that's been really annoying him recently. He doesn't even have a villain name. Marshall wishes he did, considering this complete stranger keeps referring to himself as 'Dad'. He can't tell if that's just some smug way to get him angrier at him, or if he's just crazy.

Probably both.

"Marshall?"

"Ah!" Marshall jumps at the voice, just to see its Nathan. "Oh. What're you doing here?"

Next to him, is Sadie. "You got that letter too, didn't you?"

Marshall sighs. "Yeah. I thought I was the only one."

He's not very well-acquainted to either Sadie or Nathan, but he's interacted with them a few times. Between the three of them, Nathan is obviously the strongest, Sadie is more experienced with stealth, and Marshall... doesn't really fight. Or at least, he tries not to. He'd much rather be on the sidelines and heal anyone who needs it. That's not to say he's completely inexperienced, though.

"Shut up, I hear something." Nathan pushes both of them behind him protectively. "Hey, asshole! Show yourself!"

Just like that, the masked villain hops down from some platform they weren't looking at. He's tall, and wearing an expensive-looking suit that doesn't look fit for fighting. It looks more like a fancy business suit.

"I'm so happy you're all here!" he exclaims, clapping his hands together.

Sighing, Marshall asks, "So what do you want? A fight?" He's used to this guy's unsettling enthusiasm, and he just wants to go back home and not have to deal with this. If he knew Sadie and Nathan had it covered, he might've not even went.

"Well, I'll let you decide," the villain says, taking a step closer. "We can fight, or we can talk. Which do you prefer?"

"Talk about what?" Sadie puts an arm in front of Nathan when he tries moving forward to attack.

"We're not negotiating with him," Nathan growls at her.

"Oh, c'mon, I'm not meaning any harm," the villain chuckles. "Here, I'll even show you how honest I'm being right now." He takes off his mask, dropping it to the ground.

He has short blond hair, electrifying blue eyes, and looks to be in his late thirties or early forties. Marshall glances at Nathan and Sadie to see they look surprised. Marshall wishes he could say the same, but with how cocky this guy has shown to be, he really isn't.

"My name is Lawrence Cross, but of course, I would prefer you call me 'Dad.'" He grins, as if he thinks they'll all have a positive reaction.

Nathan chuckles bitterly. "You're insane if you think anyone in their right mind is gonna call you that." He pushes Sadie's arm away from him and forms gauntlets around his hands, both lighting up neon purple.

Lawrence smiles. "I know everything about you three. You, Nathan Lam, fight anything and everything in your way, blindly. You think you're better than everyone else because you're 'brave.' I see that 'braveness' for what it really is. You just don't value your life."

Taken aback, Nathan goes silent.

"And then there's Marshall Jackson," Lawrence continues. "It takes no genius to see you're insecure and have nobody in your life who loves you. Those fakers you call your parents treat you so horribly, and those so-called friends of yours aren't much better." Lawrence steps closer. "You let those around you abuse you, because you value yourself so little, you don't think you'll get anyone better."

Marshall stares at him in shock.

Lastly, his eyes sweep over to Sadie. "And you, Sadie Mills... you don't even want to be a hero! The only reason why is because you come from a poor family and just want to help them out. You're so selfless that you exhaust yourself emotionally and physically, just to make those around you happy."

Sadie's breath hitches. "What are you talking about?"

He's suddenly standing right in front of all three of them. "I've been watching you all for a while now. Almost two months, to be exact."

"Why?" Nathan demands quietly. "What do you want with us?"

"You three are my kids, of course! I've made that obvious, you just keep overthinking it. It's no act or bit, and it's definitely no joke." He looks directly at Nathan again. "You'd all have a much easier life if you lived with me. So I'm making you an offer."

"We don't want what ever offer you're giving us," Sadie states firmly. She's ready to attack now, hand ghosting her sword.

He sighs. "I thought you, out of all people, would be more willing to negotiate. Well, you can't blame me for trying." Before any of them can react, he throws some kind of smoke-bomb their way.

Marshall tries running in the opposite direction, but only gets two steps in before falling to the ground, overridden by a sudden sleepiness.

He turns his head to see both Sadie and Nathan lying on the floor, too. He tries to fight the blackness dotting his vision, but he gives in.

...

When Marshall wakes up, he's in bed, but not a familiar one by any means. His first thought is he must have been drugged. He tries to sit up, but his limbs feel like lead.

"Don't try to move yet," a voice says. "You'll get dizzy."

He looks over to see Lawrence staring right at him.

"You..." He still feels a little paralyzed, but he still tries to move. "Where is Sadie and Nathan? What did you do to them?"

Lawrence chuckles. "They're fine. I wouldn't hurt my own children, silly. That includes you."

Marshall's heart skips a beat. "You're not my dad." He wishes he could put things more harshly like Nathan, or be as calm as Sadie, but he can't hide the fear crackling in his voice.

"Nonsense," Lawrence says with a wave of his hand. "You're my child. Maybe not biologically, but that doesn't change a thing. Now, your siblings are already awake I'm sure are eager to see you! Take a bit to rest, and then we can all have breakfast together and talk."

"Please," Marshall whispers. "Please, I don't know why you're doing this, but... but stop. You aren't my dad."

"Oh, Marshie..." Lawrence coos, and sits down on the edge of the bed. "Just like I said earlier, you aren't used to people actually caring about you. I know you're unsure how to accept this, but you will eventually. You'll just come to see I want what's best for you."

Marshall stays silent. He really doesn't know what to do or say.

"I need to go check on your brother, he was throwing such a fit just a couple minutes ago," Lawrence mumbles, leaning down to kiss his forehead and then stand. "Oh, and don't try anything funny, m'kay? There's a whole lot of security outside and if you try escaping, the only thing you'll get is a nasty shock."

"Great," Marshall grumbles to himself. "Thanks for the warning."

...

It takes an hour for Marshall to get feeling back in his body. He steps off the bed with wobbling legs, and notices a single silver band on his wrist. It looks high-tech, and seems to be a tracker of some kind, especially judging from how heavy it feels.

Marshall jumps when he hears a loud voice and a crash. He opens the door-- surprised it's unlocked-- and goes to the source of the noise, the only thing on his mind being Sadie and Nathan, hoping they're okay.

"I'm not your fucking son!"

No doubt it's Nathan, Marshall thinks. He rounds the corner to the kitchen to see a broken chair, and Lawrence glaring. He sees Sadie next to Nathan, yanking on his arm and telling him to stop.

Lawrence folds his arms disapprovingly. "Listen to your sister, young man. This is your last warning."

"I am not related to anyone in this room, especially you!" Nathan yells. "The other heroes are gonna find us, and then you'll wish you were dead. That is, if I don't kill you myself."

"I didn't want to do this..." Lawrence grabs a remote out of his pocket, and a loud cry rips from Nathan's lips as he falls to his knees.

"What did you do to him?" Marshall whispers.

Lawrence sighs. "Just a little something to calm him down."

"Nathan..." Sadie kneels down and looks at him nervously. "Hey, are you okay?"

Gently pushing her away, Nathan glares right back up at Lawrence. He opens his mouth to insult him, but when the older man's thumb ghosts the button again, he snaps his mouth shut. That doesn't stop him from keeping his defiant gaze.

Lawrence pockets the remote and claps his hands together. "Now! Who's ready for breakfast?"

[goblinism]

so i found my old private comic diary from 2008-2009 from around the time i was 18yo. I quit school right before the finals and started working and trying to figure out what i was gonna do. I was super in the closet about being trans too and boy

cw: sui, depression, anxiety, parental/emotional abuse, dysphoria

like 98% of the entrees i was either tired, angry, sad or all three at once the other 2% was about my hobbies, mainly video games and anime/manga I realize now how in bad and fragile state I was back then, and how living home with one parent being alcoholic really REALLY wasnt doing me any favors there's specifically one entry from 7th of january 2009 that i vividly still remember making, because that night was when i decided im quitting school. i simply couldnt handle it anymore, that night was my breaking point. (insert here lengthy explanation of how i wanted to quit first year but teachers talked me out of it only to want to quit second year but being talked out of it too..) may 11th there's entry with no drawings just me writing "Right now I'm feeling that classic LONELINESS.. but heaven forbid i try talk to anyone (at home) about it... I'm not allowed to be sad because that'll just ruin the day for everyone else!" I'm turning 34 this year, I completed my transition 2017 which is same year I finally moved out officially. From then on both my suicidality and dysphoria left me and though I still struggle mentally and have incredibly bad days with panic attacks and all that, at least those two big evils have not returned. The growth and insight on my own mental state and character has been a lot since then too and now understanding myself better than ever, reading these entries im mortified about what kind of life I had to live back then wondering how the hell I made it through, but at the same time it really gives some hindsight perspective... like no wonder I struggle with debilitating anxiety order I guess the overall reason I write this is that, sometimes being reminded of the hell you've been in puts things in perspective in the now. I need to be kinder and gentler at myself. And so do you no matter what you have been or are going through. on (ig?) lighter note on some of the entries I was still drawing myself having dialogue about things with my """"""oc"""""" who was "my exact clone but a guy instead" and also had the name that's my actual legal name now.

[hyper-pie]

"I can't do it!!!!!"

This is a hurt comfort tickle fic... though tickling isn't the only form of comfort used.

Contents: angst, Panic attacks, trauma, self doubt / depreciation comfort, fluff, Marcy gets hugs and tickles, cuddles, Marcy pining for Anne and Sasha if you squint

Description: The trio is having their final sleepover before Marcy leaves... She still doesn't think she can live without her friends so she starts pushing them away sooner so she could have more control. But she becomes more depressed than ever and her friends find a way to help her through the despair.

word count: 1,398 probably the longest fic i have done

The trio was back on earth, everything was normal, well as normal as things could get when you just saved the world from an ancient invading empire from another universe.

Marcy slowly wandered to the Boonchuy's house for her last sleepover before she left to live with her parents out of state. The flashbacks, the nightmares, the everything kept Marcy awake at night. She hadn't slept well in a week and wasn't eating properly either. she was broken, a broken heart, a broken dream, everything good seemed to disappear from her sight.

lost in her despairing thoughts she hadn't noticed she had walked past the Boonchuy's house until she fell into a thorny bush

"ow... I'm okay!"

she says clearly irritated, walking up to the door knocking on it.

Sucking in a deep breath she put on happy face when Mrs. Boonchuy answered the door. walking in she managed to get enough energy to pretend to be all bubbly until she started to make her way up to Anne's room.

She was genuinely really scared to see her friends, she didn't want them to yell at her, yes they forgave her, but part of her still felt as if they didn't.

Her breathing started to become scattered and she knew she couldn't walk in having a panic attack cause she knew what was gonna happen. so she sat herself outside the door letting the panic, worries and pain consume her so she didn't have to deal with them for the rest of the night.

she was soon broken out of her trance of fear by a arm resting on her knee.

"Hey hey Marce look at me okay? take a deep breath in and out"

She followed the instructions and looked up to see Anne and Sasha looking at her with worried eyes she started to control her breathing after about two minutes she had finally been calming down she jumped up trying to seem like she was okay saying

"Okay! sleepover time! what are we gonna do? watch suspicion island? Uhh pillow fight?"

She says speeding into Anne's room trying to be herself, however Anne and Sasha saw right through her and followed her silently looking at her sternly.

"Wh-what's with the look?" Marcy stuttered out

"Marce... Are you okay? you just had like a big panic attack... The only times we have ever needed to calm you down was when you were excited... This is not excitement!"

"Please talk to us"

Sasha said giving her a look that was stern but sweet at the same time and Marcy couldn't help but blush out of embarrassment.

"Marcy... listen you don't need to say much but at least come have a talk with us... Because we NEED to talk" Anne said looking at her with a soft sympathetic smile smile raising her voice at the 'need'.

The ravenette let out a harsh sigh and nodded.

"If you really think it is that important... Than I guess"

The trio made there way to Anne's bed

The three sat there in a panful silence until Marcy broke down. sobbing into her hands, alarming Anne and Sasha.

"I-it's a-a-all m-m-my fault... I don't even know if i learned! I am not okay! I cant do it... not without you guys...."

"Marcy........ hey hey hey come here" Sasha says opening her arms for Marcy to hug her, Marcy anxiously moved into Sasha's warm embrace, melting looking into her beautiful blue eyes.

"mar-mar we have been over this like a million times.. we forgive you" Anne sighs, grabbing Marcy's hand.

"That isn't why I am upset.... You don't get it...You don't know what it is like to be the weirdest kid in the class being called autistic by kids that don't even know you!"

Marcy snapped she was gone she wasn't her she didn't knew who she was anymore. "I can't live without you guys" she sobbed harder then suddenly she felt two pairs of arms wrap around her. When looking up she saw Anne and Sasha looking really concerned.

"Marcy... you can live without us.. You can make new friend-"

"no... I cant Anne I cant I cant.."

tears dripped down her face and Sasha began rubbing her back

"Marce.... You can talk to us about these things... Y'know that right?"

Marcy nodded in confirmation wiping her tears.

"I know I know... I was just scared is all... I thought you would be disappointed in me for being scared... After everything that is all someone as pathetic as me deserves"

Pain filled in her heart when seeing the looks her friends gave her.

"Marcy Regina Wu."

Looking at the source of the use of her full name she froze looking at Anne with a very serious expression

"you literally are a genius, the most harmless person on the planet, also you are a complete badass during battle.. listen, you went through a lot... It's okay to be unstable, it's okay to be scared, it is okay to come to us when you aren't doing well.. you are far from pathetic marbles"

Anne's face continued to be a stern one as the ravenette sniffled, wiping her tears turning to Sasha as she began speaking.

"We will only be one phone call away alright?"

Marcy nodded starting to feel a bit better.

"sorry this was supposed to be fun..." Sasha and Anne sighed squeezing her tighter both trying to think of a way to me her smile at the very least.

Both were broken out of their trance as Marcy spoke up.

"Uhm.. hey could you...... actually nevermind.. its stupid...." nervous in tone she giggled looking down at her lap confusing Anne, while Sasha already somewhat understood a soft, adoring smile made its way on to her face.

"No... ask the question mars.. your the only one that truly knows what to do to cheer you up so you should tell us."

Marcy could only blush, as Anne blinked looking toward the blonde.

"Do you know what she wants sasha?"

The blonde shrugs.

"I think so but i dont want to assume..."

Marcy sucked in a breath, face already turning a deep shade of red. Then squeaking out in one breath

"Canyouguyspleasetickleme!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The smirk that formed on her friends face's told Marcy she just said something that they will tease her about for the rest of her life... Also she was about to be obliterated by tickles which on one hand will be a LOT but on the other hand.... This is what wants, not just wants but partly what she needs too.. she kind of even forgets how to laugh sometimes to she needed the exact thing that her friends were going to give her... If they don't murder her with teases before laying a finger on the poor girl.

"sorry could you repeat a little slower I couldn't hear you" Sasha had a shit eating grin on her face.

*this little sh1t* Marcy swore internally turning a deeper shade of red.

Anne nodded "yeah we couldn't hear you"

She says as she begins wiggling her fingers just above Marcy's sides making her try to squirm, only to be stopped by Sasha having an iron grip, trapping the nerd in her arms.

"guys! Uhhhh okay fine.. but this is mean!"

Marcy huffed out pausing mustering up enough strength to squeak out.

"Can you guys please tickle me?!"

She was surprisingly polite and confident even though she was a complete embarrassed mess on the inside.

sasha and anne smiled softly at her "okay!"

"wait is it too late to back ahahaha heheheheep-!"

marcy started but got sucked into a fit of giggles as sasha trailed her fingers up and down her the ravenettes sides, and Anne's gentle touch from messaging her hips.

Anne and sasha laughed along with her as ass walked her fingers over to marcy's tummy, reciving a bunch of snorts from marcy in return.

"awww marbles~"

Anne cooed at her laughing friend looking at the blush on her face, Sasha following anne's gaze could only smile at how sweet she was being.

"your face is so red marbles! how precious is this?" cooed sasha wiggling her fingers under marcy's arms making her squeel.

after a few minutes they ceased their playfull attack wrapping her in a warm embrace, enjoying the rest of the night to do as many things as possible.

A/N: this took me like a month so I kind of rushed a bit at the end so sorry if it seems a bit lazy i just spent more time on you angst and hurt comfort. at first it is edited but the grammer gets worse at the end.

[fanfictionismyhobby]

Sarah’s mom…

Synopsis: over a decade before the outbreak Joel loses his whole world for the first time and has to come to grips with the aftermath.

Fic has not yet been proofread!

Warnings: mentions of depression, childbirth, loss of mother,

Partners: Joel Miller/OC,

It was a cold January morning, the 6th of 2001 to be specific. Even with the cold Joel and Lena stayed warm snuggled in bed together . She was 40 weeks pregnant with their little girl. Joel had never knew such happiness, he and tommy had lost their parents young in a car accident. He didn’t know the first thing about how to handle fatherhood but he was gonna give it his all.

Lena POV:

Just as my eyes opened I could feel his hand resting on my stomach, I placed my hand on top of his and whispered, “babe my water broke wake up” and he shot up so fast and was immediately in a panic. “I am joking” he looked at me and said “oh mama why did you do that to me” I couldn’t stop laughing. “Maybe you could make us some breakfast” “anything for my girls” he leaned down kissed my belly and hopped up out of bed.

After breakfast I started to feel Braxton Hicks or at least what I thought was Braxton Hicks until the bleeding started. I was carrying the basket of baby clothes I just washed and folded for her, up to her room when I felt this dampness pooling in my underwear. I was just about to call for Joel when he walked by the stairs and must have glanced up and said “babe your bleeding” “maybe we should go to the hospital” “definitely, I will grab your bag, are you okay to walk to the truck?” I nodded. I sat the basket down right at the top of the stairs and continued back down them. He ran up them and was back in time to meet me at the bottom of the stairs. He helped me out to the truck and we headed to the hospital.

Joel Pov:

We parked and headed into the emergency room, the nurse gave us a few papers to fill out and had her sit in a wheelchair. When I returned the papers to the desk I said to the nurse “she’s bleeding pretty heavy, and is in pain, can you please get her seen” the nurse said “it’s a slow night I will see if we can get a bed for her and have her sent up as soon as possible” I thanked her and went back to Lena’s side.

They called “Lena Miller” and I wheeled her over once we got into the room, the nurse said “we are gonna have you changed into this gown and do a pelvic exam, but first I am gonna run some blood work and do an ultrasound, I will give you a minute to get changed” and with that she walked out the room and closed the door.

I helped her change and she laid down on the bed, the nurse knocked and came in. She started by drawing blood, hooking her up to the machine that monitors the heart rates. She told us the doctor would be in within a few minutes and walked out again.

She returned with the doctor who introduced himself “hello I am Dr. Lawton, but please call me John. I am gonna start out with a pelvic exam if that’s okay with you” “yeah” Lena said. The doctor proceeded and had her put her feet in the stirups and then proceeded. He was making a concerned face and I asked “is everything alright?” He spoke up and said “I don’t believe so, I think you may have placental previa, typically this is detected a lot earlier and we recommend a c-section at 36 weeks but now you are 40 weeks and already in labour, we are gonna schedule you in for a cesarean as soon as possible and move you to the delivery floor.” “Wait is the baby gonna be okay?” Lena asked “it’s honestly going to be risky for both of you, if it comes down to it we always prioritize the safety of the mother” “no.” She said it wasn’t an answer more of a statement but I tried to interject “babe we can have another baby, but theirs only one of you” “no and if that’s how you feel, then you don’t truly love her or me” “babe I just want you to be safe, I can’t lose either of you but losing you and raising her on my own, I couldn’t handle” “listen you save my baby” she looked at the doctor and said.

They told me I wasn’t allowed in the delivery room due to the severity of her case so I had to send her off. I leaned beside the bed and said “I love you and our girl more than anything, and when we get home I will have breakfast ready every morning. Listen it’s gonna be alright, I love you” “I love you too” she said. I called Tommy shortly after they wheeled her to the OR And waited.

Tommy pov:

We had been waiting for over an hour when the doctor walked out with a sad look on his face and his scrub cap in his hand. I knew it wasn’t gonna be good. He spoke and Joel’s eyes shot up. “Mr. Miller you have a beautiful baby girl, things were a little touch and go but she is recovering well in the nicu as we speak” “and Lena?” he asked. “Mrs.Miller had lost over 1/3 of her bodies blood by the time we got her into the or, we had her stabilized but after we put her under anaesthesia her blood pressure dropped and never came back up, we got your daughter out and tried everything to save your wife however she was unresponsive. She passed away on the table. I am so very sorry for your loss” “where is she?” Joel asked practically bagging the doctor said “she has been taken to the morgue, I would recommend you don’t see her until the funeral home has possession of her. I know this is very hard on you but theirs a little girl up the hall that needs you sir.” “Fuck you” Joel spat at him “again I am sorry for your loss” and with that he walked away. Joel slid down the wall and was on the floor sobbing at this point I sat down with him after a while I looked at him and said “let’s go see her” Joel nodded.

Tommy walked up to the nurses desk gave some information and was given the room number, he gathered Joel up and they headed down the hallway.

Joel pov:

I opened the door and I wasn’t sure what to expect but as I approached the bassinet all I could see was Lena, her cheeks, her eyes her nose, this was Lena. The feeling of knowing she would never see this beautiful girl is enough to almost make me sick, the nurse came into the room and spoke “hello, you must be Daddy, does she have a name?” “Yes” I spoke as I remembered going through all those name books with Lena. “Sarah, her names Sarah” “that’s a lovely name man” Tommy said. “Lena picked it, Sarah Lena Miller” I said. “We will put that on her forms, I am sorry for your loss” and with that the nurse left.

We would be okay. Just my Babygirl, and I.

[jamiebluewind]

I have a fluxuating condition, so how bad I'm doing depends a lot on the day and on how well I'm currently taking care of all my needs (I also have AuDHD). Sometimes I can walk and even outpace others because of my long legs. Sometimes I need a cane to not fall over, so I always take one with me even on good days just in case. I use a wheelchair for long distances so I can safely get around without collapsing on the floor, but still go out with my friends. When I'm bad, I'm at home using my walker or bedridden. I'm young enough that I don't "look" disabled or limited until I do.

"Do you even need that?" said by an elder who saw me dragging my cane.

"So you were just pretending to get out of chores?" said by my sister who saw me playing video games a day after I could barely walk.

"That is nice, but where is the person who needs my help? Your mother perhaps?" said by a health aide.

"Why can't you do it now!? You did it just fine last month!" my cousin.

"Idiot. If you're gonna lie, you shouldn't do something that stupid!" my dad about a stranger crying and trying to explain to someone that they were just having a good day.

"I wish I could afford to sit on my butt all day." more than one person who don't know how bad it is to be isolated and unable to move.

"Other students have it far worse than you do and THEY don't struggle with this." a professor.

"You would scare the children." an advisor when I considered becoming a teacher after I explained my condition.

"You should be grateful for whatever you get." a doctor.

"Everybody knows you just ham it up for attention or whatever. You aren't ACTUALLY bad" my nephew a day after I collapsed.

"What do you even need an aide for? You're just lazy and want to be waited on hand and foot!" several relatives and strangers.

"Just drink more water! It's not that hard." a nurse my third time at the ER for dehydration when I lived alone.

"Ha! You see? Right there. Caught you." my partner's relative when something I said was different from what I needed later.

"I'm sorry, but I just don't see a reason why you would need a walk in shower and a shower chair. You'll need to bring in a letter from both doctors and [more paperwork]." an insurance agent after I fell so many times in a year that I got scared of showering (but only went to the ER once) and actively had bruises.

"Our facility isn't set up for someone like you." an in-patient mental health treatment program I was trying to get in when I was depressed... and all the others I tried before giving up on looking.

"Oh my god! (said giggling) Just use the chair lift. The floor is dirty and you look so silly like that." my friend when I want to get up and down her stairs (on all fours) on my own and felt up for it (the lift is also very slow).

Someone glaring at me as I stand from my wheelchair to grab something. Strangers who will fuss at a disabled person in designated parking who was "taking it away from someone who needs it" or "probably using your parent's" when they don't look the part. The government official who said to come back to their office when I had a "real" problem. The people who treat me like I'm a liar when I say I'm disabled and the people who treat me like a liar when I'm feeling good enough to push myself.

All of... this. It makes it hard to live a life worth living. It makes it hard to let anyone see me without something indicating that I'm disabled (like my cane). I can't let people see me bad because they don't think I can ever do anything again (or will even use it to dismiss anything I say from then on). I can't let people see me well because they think I'm faking disability and will want to take some/all of my assistance away. I can't do bold things or take little risks on good days either because the ones that care will chastise me. I can't work because no job would "put up with" someone that's so sporadic. I can't walk confidently without being afraid of judgment and I can't use my wheelchair without that same fear. "God damn it Jamie!" has been said to me many times before, but some say it because they're mad I suddenly got weak or were limited and some say it because I tried to be independent. It sucks! It sucks and I'm tired and please let me be a complex person like everybody else. Please? I just... let me have good and bad days and dumb and smart days and the thousand thousand other kinds of days that everybody else gets?

able bodied people will freak out when they see an ambulatory mobility aid user not using their aids but won't question it when a hiker only uses a walking stick or trekking poles when they're hiking. they're the same thing.

[unma]

.

Actually, I've done a little bit of thinking while editing my fic and I think I understand why I just accept these things so nonchalantly. It's quite simple: A lack of control growing up, and depression.

I was the type of child who was good at what he loved, and who constantly tried to get into new things I deemed interesting. And then I became a teenager, understood more about life and things, and promptly realized I'd dug myself into a shitty hole. One I very much could not dig myself out of.

I could go on explaining what the hole entailed in detail, but I won't. All I'll say is: being a volunteer in church is neat, until you're a 10 year old child waking up early on Saturdays because you're one of the few people who can be called in at a moment's notice. And that's because the media team had like, 5 members total. (Didn't help that my parents were pastors). Also I spent the latter half of my years in secondary school wishing I'd done poorly at the start so I could slowly improve, instead of being forced to constantly do well. You get the point.

It's not like I could just stop either of these things without causing major problems. I mean, I did stop putting in so much effort into school, since that was genuinely causing me to break down mentally, but that did cause problems regardless so my point stands. I couldn't control that.

And then I just kinda gave up on everything and wanted to die. Not actively suicidal (I came close, but I suppose a complete inability to do shit for myself saved me there, lol. That isn't funny.) but just kinda accepted that I wouldn't really live long. Well, 'accepted' is the wrong word, I hoped I wouldn't live that long.

That does shit to you. Like, why give a shit what happens now if you're gonna be dead soon? It doesn't matter, does it? Well, couple years later and I'm clawing my way back to life and realizing, wow, shit does matter. Old habits die old though, so my go to is always to just go "Oh well, moving on."

It's not like that attitude doesn't help me. I got this attitude precisely because I used to worry too much about stuff I couldn't change. I suppose it would be better for me to improve and learn to start caring more about my life and not forsake it for the sake of others, but... to be honest, it sounds like too much work, and a little terrifying.

It's putting that in words. It's no excuse not to get better, after all, it'll make my life better too, but even then it feels like I don't have the time for that. I never have time for anything. Which I suppose is another problem I should look into. But I have things to do. don't have the time for that right now.

How ironic.

[alt-zombee]

Yo, yo, fuck 2DopeBoyz and fuck Nah Right And any other fuck-nigga-ass blog that can't put an 18-year-old nigga Makin' his own fuckin' beats, covers, videos and all that shit Fuck you post-Drake-ass cliche-jerkin', LA-slauson rappin' Fuck-nigga-ass Hypebeast niggas Now back to the album

Well, Tyler, hi, I'm Dr. TC, and um, I'm guessin' That your teacher sent you here to talk 'cause you were misbehavin' Um, it's gonna be three sessions, today, tomorrow, Wednesday So, just tell me somethin' about yourself Well look, if you don't talk, I mean these sessions are goin' to go slower

This is what the devil plays before he goes to sleep Some food for thought some food for death, go ahead and fuckin' eat My father's dead, well I don't know, we'll never fuckin' meet I cut my wrist and play piano 'cause I'm so depressed Somebody call the pastor, this bastard is so possessed This meetin' just begun, nigga, I'm Satan's son

My mother raised me, a single parent, so it's apparent That I got love for my mother, none of you other fuckers Are much important, I'm gettin' angrier while recordin' I'm feelin' like the bulls, I've got a gang of wolves Odd Future is children that's fucked up on they mental Simple, but probably not, fuck 'em

I'm tall, dark, skinny, my ears are big as fuck Drunk white girls, the only way I'll get my dick sucked Suspended from school, coolest nigga without effort Easy to spot like black bitches with fake leopard Soak me up in a tampon, but keep the lamp on 'Cause this album pack enough evil That you can't fit inside a Jansport Go to school with this

I go from AP to JC inside a fuckin' week Wakin' up with random girls like, "Yo, bitch, how the fuck we meet?" I stay with grandma, she always bitchin' about her carpet Every time I walk inside the house, she always tend to start shit No to drugs, I never spark it, I used to be bullied for honor classes By those that were slow as molasses Take this shit to school

Raquel treat me like my father, like a fuckin' stranger She still don't know I made Sarah to strangle her Not put her in danger and chop her up in the back of a Wrangler All because she said no to homecomin', demons runnin' Inside my head tellin' me evil thoughts I'm the dream catcher, but nothin' but nightmares are caught Go to sleep

I wear green hats because I'm fortunately lucky "Fuck me, " the monster said, somehow the monster's dead Inside of me, but the thoughts it tells me are still evil With this state of mind, big moves, Max Keeble I'm on my grind feeble, my music is either A fucking sin or too illegal, play this shit in church

I graduated without honors or fuckin' father He died (I'm so sorry), no bitch, don't even fuckin' bother I wanted a brother, my mother I told her But instead I got a sister, just like me with her mister nada So both of our imaginations are creations of the fuckin' situation That's having our brains racing like Dayton Wearin' some fuckin' Heelys

I know you fuckin' feel me, I want to fuckin' kill me The times I'm so serious, yes, you think I'm silly I'm doin' Big Style Willy couldn't touch 11 Seven, what's religion, nigga? I am legend I roll with skaters and musicians with an intuition I created O.F. 'cause I feel we're more talented Than 40-year-old rappers talkin' about Gucci When they have kids they haven't seen in years, impressin' their peers

With the same problem, the only way to solve them Is to go to Father's Day convention with a gold revolver Life's a salad, I'ma toss it, eat that shit up, Rick Ross it Shit it out, bag it up, sell it, I'm so damn rebellious 'Cause my mother let me do what I want She wasn't careless, protective she is the bear The shit is so bare, my diary isn't hid My father didn't give a fuck, so it's somethin' I inherit

My mom is all I have so it's never meet the parents When Danielle or Milan decide to fucking share This confused boy, I wanna hug, oy I'm bad for you kids to listen to, soy is not the choice I'm bad milk, drink it

Whoa, um, it seems you had a lot to say Uh, who knows, I might feel as I'm evaluatin'

My wrist is all red from the cutter Drippin' cold blood like the winter, the summer Is never that's equivalent to me and Sarah Well, that's not her fuckin' name, but I think this shit is clever My niggas wanna know if I'm fuckin', if I'm kissin' But I'm sittin' here downin' beers simply just wishin' With a tear they try to tell me, but I never listen 'Cause I don't give a shit like sittin' down pissin'

18, still talkin' to imaginaries Hopefully they see the talent I carry just like Jimmy Losers can never win me, you can never offend me My goal in life is a Grammy, hopefully mom'll attend the Ceremony with all my homies, I'm suicidal This my Zombie Circus, I hope the majors heard this Fuck a deal, I just want my father's email So I can tell him how much I fuckin' hate him in detail

Wow, um So, Tyler, if-, if you had the chance to tell him somethin' What would you tell him?

[iconoplastic]

Gonna stick this under a read more because it’s just long rambling about my life but

It’s frustrating that I can’t remember so much of my life. I was put on prozac at fifteen which kept from being psychotically depressed and offing myself but it also totally fucked with my brain. I never should have been on high doses of ssris and if I had gotten my autism diagnosis earlier I probably wouldn’t have been (side note: I found out a few years ago that the psychiatrist I saw as a teenager SPECIALIZED IN TREATING AUTISTIC PATIENTS and not once did this woman even suspect I was autistic. Literally never mentioned or considered it.) I only remember a handful of significant events and like, general vibes from the last three years of high school. I don’t remember anything about what was going on in my family apart from my parents being upset and angry with me. That was genuinely not their fault though. I was so apathetic that no punishment or reward they could concoct would make a significant impact on my behavior. They were completely out of their depth. Being so disconnected from my family eventually led to me living independently from them in every aspect but housing. Once I got a car and a job I stopped relying on them for anything. We became extremely begrudging roommates. I just wanted to be alone, either to destroy myself or gain some control over my environment and life. I couldn’t communicate my needs to anyone because I didn’t even know what I needed. It’s why I still struggle today with asking anyone for help or relying on anyone besides myself. When I was 17 I moved to the house I still live in, two months before I even graduated high school and that completely saved our relationship. Now I’m super close to my family and we get along great but I wish I could remember more of what it was like for them back then. It makes me feel like I’m missing important context. Honestly, it’s only been in the last few years since I got properly diagnosed and stopped drinking that I’ve really felt present in the world, which is sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse.