#mostly my father (as fucking always. “yey”)

[lassair-crackle]

Ah yes, I cannot be even slightly ticked off in a conversation.

Expressing any sign emotion or of being offende, slightly raising my voice, or talking with a more serious tone of voice.

Doing that during a disagreement is obviously bad. Doesn't matter if you are still being polite nor if you are just trying to express your thought process.

"Come on, don't get mad." Drops the conversation immediately and entirely. Never to be brought up again. Believes they were on the right, that the other person is just not ready to hear it / cannot accept criticism.

Of course, makes perfect sense. That's how communication works. Definitely.

(Also I swear if I hear the: "oh, now I am the bad guy" again. To be fair that has only happened a coupleof times, but thats a couple too many. My memory is shit, but this I will remember. Ty brain~)

[heretherebedork]

I am here to hurt myself by watching WBL2. I know it ends in a reward but the beginning is nothing but agony and why I haven't watched it before. I am already in pain just from watching any tiny amount of pain of these boys.

lol I am literally refering to this as my day of atonement.

... I did make a very nice Rosh Hashanah post but that doesn't make me particularly religious, tbh. Cultural Judaism, yo.

Also, pain. Hi pain.

Ugh, I avoided this pain for so long. Now I'm here for it. One post. I'm only making this one post. @absolutebl I'm doing it! I know how much you love this, though.

Oh, fuck it, if I'm trying to limit all my rambling to one post I might as well read more it. I ramble so much.

Ep 1:

Oh look pain. Pain. And more pain. Yup. Yup. I hate this kind of plot even if I know it resolves well. At least it's not cheating but STILL hi dying. Shu Yi is a darling boy who deserved better than five years of nothing for any reason and Gao Shi De should have been better than that. Even knowing it ends well doesn't make this easier. dgkldf GODDAMN IT SELF. Just watch the show and stop being a baby about emotional pain.

Awww, the matching ties! I've seen that post a dozen times and love it every time and it's good to see.

The fucking way Gao Shi De just tries to walk back into his life without a second word or hesitation or thought makes me SO DAMN TWITCHY. Poor Shu Yi. Also, Gao Shi De deserves every punch and slap and uuughhh this show was designed to hurt me. I HATE relationships falling apart. Absolutely my least favorite trope/plot point of practically all time.I hate it I hate iiiit I hate it so muuuuuch.

I mean, damn, the acting here is amazing beyond words, obviously. But that just makes it hurt more. Especially Shu Yi's pain that he's put behind so much anger and work just to keep himself functional and it's damn gorgeous DAMNit.

Ep 2:

Darling Shu Yi deserved so much better. Even though Gao Shi De wasn't cheating on him, he deserved better than the silence and disappearance and he deserves the goddamn world. Ugh literally like a minute into the episode and already there is so much pain. I know they end up happy but I almost want to just tell Shu Yi to tell Gao Shi De to fuck off forever.

Nope, Gao Shi De, you deserve the pain. Shu Yi does't, you do, your upset doesn't get me upset. Shu Yi's pain is the only one I regret in this show. But, seriously, doing all this in front of the whole company is such a bastard move in his part honestly. Poor Shu Yi, seriously.

I do love my tiny obviously favorite character, though, and his tiny inability to sit and his tiny double hands for everything and I adore him beyond measure.

Ugh, Shu Yi choosing to fake the return of trust and friendship and love and I am proud of him for doing that and no, I don't care, Gao Shi De deserves it. I mean, it's not a good or healthy choice but, you know what, I'm okay with that.

But seriously. Poor Shu Yi. Has to deal with being ghosted and then Gao Shi De's return and then an extremely drunk ex crying on him when he's just trying to go to work... at midnight, okay, maybe not healthy either.

Ep 3:

Oh, Gao Shi De. You're an idiot. I mean that... only with a tiny bit of affection and mostly with me rolling my eyes. Making a promise to his dad wasn't bright of you. I mean, seriously, 5 years without contacting him, telling him what happened and on the condition that Shu Yi doesn't try to move on in five years of being completely ghosted. That's just dumb to an astonishingly level of dumb.

Ugh, poor Shu Yi. Your dad and your ex are both idiots and they deserve to get away from you just like you want. Seriously. You poor young man. You deserved so much better from the people you love.

But seriously fuck Gao Shi De and Shu Yi's dad. You're both idiots who don't deserve him. Especially his dad. But also especially Gao Shi De. Seriously. This is why we talk to people, damnit. Poor Shu Yi.

Why, yes, that's my main take away from this show. Shu Yi deserved so much better. Gao Shi De's need to constantly solve everything by himself is the biggest problem in the show, oy vey.

OF COURSE he wants to go back to that time. He was loved and loved and trusted you and happy and comfortable and who wouldn't want to go back to that?

Yu Zhen Xuan is my darling, obviously, and Pei Shou Yi's wanting to take care of him but also to stay away from him for his own sake. Oh, boys.

Ep 4:

I know they get better at some point. I really do. Shu Yi is still breaking my heart, though. I just want to see the poor darling smile and not in a flashback.

Oh, Shu Yi. You deserve the world, seriously. I mean, I'm glad you've managed to come back around to trying to believe in Gao Shi De. I really am. But man he doesn't deserve it. But also ugh, this embrace, utterly fantastic. Darling Shu Yi is finally smiling!

And poor Yu Zhen Xuan trying to ask about Pei Shou Yi so deseperately and being denied everything... ugh, I love him so much. But mostly just Yu Zhen Xuan wanting that connection so badly but always, again and again, denied and I just want to comfort him so badly. Yes, he's coming to you but, I mean, what is friendship but going to other people for comfort? Awww, the two ramens. The BABY.

But also darling Shu Yi is finally smiling and Gao Shi De does bring him comfort and love and they're genuinely good to and for each other, at least, once they're together. Now they just need to actually talk to each other about what happened.

The simultaneous "DAD" was gorgeous. Okay, that was really good.

Ep 5:

Ah, my long awaited darling boy's backstory that I know and love. The tiny panic and fear and the way he jumps and fights back at the tiniest thing... I love this feral teenager SO MUCH and then he grows up into a CTO for a major company and it's even better.

Plus, Pei Shou Yi looking for him after telling him not to come back because the mug got returned? Ugh, heartbreaking but in like a sad, small kind of way.

And the darling CEOs teasing each other in front of their employees while also in suits and being uplifting and good at supporting them? A+ how does one go about getting bosses like that? Also, how Shu Yi looks at Gao Shi De when he's being a good boss? Also A+.

Okay, yes, they're adorable and tiny and the piggyback ride while also in suits and looking fine is simple the best of the best and Gao Shi De taking care of Shu Yi while also confronting his father is frankly amazing. Oh, darling boys.

Gao Shi De, he already admitted that he did this entirely to trick you and Shu Yi is perfectly willing to take a stand against his father. Stop trying to win him over. Let Shu Yi handle his family. His dad's an idiot and he's not gonna listen to you.

Ep 6:

More backstory for my darling feral teenager and the doctor who took care of him at his lowest. I love them both so much. I wish they'd gotten more of a story but I'm not entirely sure I want a third season about them either.

Portable boyfriend! Well! Portable boy... friend...

Also, Shu Yi and Gao Shi De, you have no right to talk about them not communicating, seriously boys, love you to death but seriously communication... actually, honestly, Shu Yi is great at communication. He can criticize them. Gao Shi De has no right.

Pei Shou Yi, seriously, you say these things about not having any emotion but you also admit that you knew he evoked a response from you. You definitely remembered and had feelings about him when you were separated. I mean, you even saved the ramen that was his favorite. You looked for him. I know it's scary but that's okay.

Shu Yi is just so adorable about meeting the in-laws and being all awkward and adorable and it's beyond cute and then the talk about his dad and family and they're just adorable and domestic and sweet and how dare they.

Literally, Shu Yi is the best person in the world and the two people who love him most can learn a lot from him.

Ugh, Yu Zhen Xuan is my baby and I love him so much and he's just doing his best to be his best and he wants to love and be loved but he's trying so hard and I love him so much. He's just such a darling and he also deserves the world and to be loved just as he loves.

And we had to have another pool kiss, of course, what darlings.

Pei Shou Yei: I don't experience emotions... except the ones involved in protect Yu Zhen Xuan because those aren't emotions, those are just natural urges and don't count.

Awww, proposals are always adorable and sweet.

I did it! I've finally watched the whole thing, between dramacool and dailymotion I've managed to watch this show. Yay for me!

[idkiwillfindone]

Post Sky High part 1

Sumary:

Giorno, Guido, Ungalo and Prada finally reached the little girl's house but there are bad news waiting for them

TW:

Implied child abuse

This is a part two of Post Bohemian Rhapsody

————————————————————

Prada didn’t liked when strangers spoken to her, especially if they didn’t had the courtesy that she deserved, so, naturally, she was really annoyed when a weird man screamed at her for reading too loud, and on top on that the guy even took her book whitot asking. She stayed silent for the rest of flight swearing that she would make him pay for his impudence. But then when they arrived to Key West and she looked over him she realized that the man fell asleep while reading, how could someone find Peter Pan’s story so boring to fall asleep? To her the story seemed so fun and interesting, did this guy just hated fairytales in general? No that was impossible, she loved fairytales, each one of them created new worlds, experiences and memories, she just couldn't imagine someone who hated all fairytales, that guy had to have a favorite story and she was determined to find out which one.

Giorno checked on the rearview mirror of the car, the two guest had fallen asleep hours ago probably tired out by the flight. Guido was next to him peacefully driving, fortunately he hadn’t realized yet that there where four people in the car, their destination was Orlando, the city where Prada lived whit her parents, Giorno didn’t really believed the little girl when she said that the man, during the road trip he learned that his name was Ungalo, was her babysitter and he had reasons to believe that she was actually trying to run away from home, once they would got to her house he would have judged if her parents were worthy of raising a kid, but he played along whit her just to have an excuse to keep the man close. He hadn’t told Guido yet but from the moment he stepped in the airport Giorno felt a weird connection whit him and he was pretty sure that the man was able to see GER, he wanted to know who this Ungalo really was and then decide what to do whit him. “Giogio!” His boyfriend’s brought him back in the present as Giorno saw out of the car Prada’s home... or what was left of it, the whole block of houses was destroyed, the scene was full of policemans and ambulances, it seemed to be in a post apocalyptic film, “what the hell” Giorno muttered, “ugh- what’s going on, are we arrived yet?” he heard from behind his seat, looking again in the rearview mirror he saw Prada and Ungalo stretching out after their long nap, “what the fuck happened here?” Said Ungalo after taking a better look at the outside of the car, “oh god, Giorno” Guido started “it’s because of the four, we are four! How did i not noticed before!” Well there he goes “what is this guy talking about?” Asked Ungalo confused “it’s a long story” Giorno simply replied “listen we’re going to find Prada’s parents, you stay in car sir” the blonde got out of the car whit his partner and the little girl “remember running away is useless” he added before ultimately approaching the rubble.

“Excuse me mister officer” Giorno said to one of the policeman that were scanning the area “can i ask what happened here?” The cop took a deep breath before answering “I’m sure you’re aware of that strange phenomenon that involved the whole world just a bunch of hours ago” “the fictional characters that came to life?” “Yes, Superman came to life in this block and fought whit one of his enemy, leaving twelve injureds and thirtyfive dead” Giorno and Guido shared a worried look aware of what this could mean, “sir we were looking for this little girl parents, she told us that they lived in this zone” the cop crouch down to Prada’s level “hey little miss, can you point me your house?” Prada smiled pleased by respect that the cop was showing her, then she pointed to one of the many pile of rubble, the policeman got up whit sad look on his face he slowly shook his head before returning to his work, The two men looked at each other again, they both silently agreed to let Guido handle the situation with Prada, he was pretty good whit kids after all, “hey little one are you ok?” He gently asked “i don’t have any other relatives that can take care of me” she mumbled “does this mean that I can spend more time whit you two?” Prada continued whit more energy “of course honey, we’ll be by your side through this this difficult time” “sweet! You guys are a lot cooler than my parents, i mean he look like Rapunzel and you have a gun” Prada immediately responded happier than ever “sure, but you don’t have to bottle up your feelings, you can cry if you feel like it” Guido tried again “nah i’m fine, oh! What’s our next stop? A library? McDonald’s? Disneyland? Can we go to Disneyland? I always wanted to visit it” “sure but-” “yey let’s go” the little girl happily ran back to the car excited for what was waiting her for the rest of week “well she got over that quickly” commented Giorno not less surprised than Guido “so... what now?” His boyfriend asked scratching the back of his head “we go to Disneyland, again” the blonde calmly replied “and if Prada really doesn’t has no one that can take care of her we will bring her and her babysitter back in Italy with us” he added as he started to walk to the car “that seams like a plan” concurred Guido.

When the two of them reached the car the first thing that they noticed was that , besides Prada, the vehicle was empty, when Giorno asked her where Ungalo was she simply responded “i don’t know” the blonde scanned the crowd until he found a familiar purple beanie trying to get away from them, Giorno sighed as he summed Gold Experiences Requiem and returns Ungalo’s actions back to zero “what did I tell you about trying to run away?” Giorno asked whit the same tone a father who’s calmly scolds his son would use “oh come on what do you want from me? I heard what that cop said, the brat’s parents are dead, they can’t lecture me for neglecting a task that they didn’t gave me” Ungalo protested “since Guido and i decided to take Prada’s custody we will need you and all the instructions that her parents gave you” That wasn’t one of Giorno’s most brilliant lie but for the moment it would have work “I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT KID IS! god! you are just insufferable as my...” Ungalo stopped as the realization of how to escape from this situation came to him “my stupid brothers!” He exclaimed whit new energy “they know that i would never babysit a child because they’re just useless little parasites” now that striked Giorno interest “you have brothers?” “Yea! They’re two, last I saw them they were in an hospital with...” He hesitated again, this time all the joyful mood he had gained disappeared as he remembered about the other man in the hospital, he had fucked up way too many time as kid for forgetting what could happen if he disappointed a person older or stronger than him “Ungalo?” The blonde called “is everything ok?” His voice sounded genuinely worried which just made Ungalo more pissed whit him, this guy had no right to interrupt his depressing childhood memories “yea yea” he quickly dismissed him, Giorno nodded to his response but mentally took note of his behavior “as i was saying” Ungalo restarted “last time I saw them they where in a hospital whit a plan to get rid of a bitch called Jolyne and her friends” “hey Giorno’s great niece is named Jolyne too” interrupted Guido “what weird coincidence” “yep weird, unlike the fact that i don’t give a fuck about Giorno’s family tree” Ungalo remarked in a monotone-passive aggressive tone, the gunslinger decided to keep quiet for the rest of the other man explanation “the closest to our position now should be Rykiel” he lied “alright then, let’s go to find this Rykiel” the blonde respond hopping that this other brother would be more collaborative, “let’s find him quickly” Guido added “we are still four Giorno, we cannot take a risk like this anymore”.

So their next stop was decided and thanks to Ungalo and Rykiel’s family connections it was easy to track the other brother position. Unfortunately for the little girl their trip to Disneyland was delayed. She quietly sat in the backseat looking at the landscape go by, “hey, uh, Prada?” Called Guido from the passenger seat earning her attention, he wanted to do a last tentative to get her to talk about her parents, she had just lost her family the kid had to show some reaction “are you sure that everything is alright? You know, about your parents” “I’m ok, especially cause this means that I don’t have to see my therapist anymore” she responded happily, once again Guido didn’t expected this answer “a therapist?” “Yes, he said that I had to see him twice a week” she promptly explained “he always makes me do all this boring things like speaking about my feelings, talking about the other’s feelings and some more stupid stuff” “sounds like hell” Ungalo commented mostly to himself than anybody in the car “exactly! And everything because one of my teachers snitched on me after i pushed her down the stairs” the car fell silent after Prada’s words said so casually, the three man needed to elaborate them “y-you pushed down the stairs your teacher?” Normally Giorno hated repeat a phrase, it didn’t matter if it was one of his own or someone else’s, but in that moment he really couldn’t find anything else to say “and a girl on a wheelchair” the kid proudly added “the jury gave her the ballet trophy that i wanted” “so let me get this straight” interjected Ungalo “you physically attack two persons” Prada turned over him with an annoyed face, she had this conversation thousands times and it always went the same “yes” she angrily muttered “whitot verbally attacking them first?” Now her expression was a total surprise one, that was definitely new “yes?” The man let out a loud sigh of frustration “goddamit children are so dumb, you cannot physically attack someone right out of the blue like that, you need to make sure that whoever you’re attacking is afraid of you” “Ungalo I don’t think this something you should teach her” intervened Giorno, his normally calm voice betrayed a worry tone, But apparently Prada didn’t agreed whit him “no no why? I want to know how to make people afraid of me” then she turned towars Ungalo whit sparkly eyes “please theach me” “it’s not that hard kid” The man began whitot any trace of hesitation “you just need to find your victims weaknesses, there’s anything that’s making that teacher you attacked vulnerable?” “She was kinda sad for her divorce” “there! That’s something you could have use” Prada stayed quiet listening in awe as the man kept talking, she didn't even remotely expect that this Ungalo would actually be so cool, but it was nice surprise, meanwhile Giorno and Guido sat whit their eyes whide opened while they listened to a twentythree years old man teaching a ten years old how to verbally abuse the people around her, Giorno, Giorno, Giorno! the blonde heard his boyfriend call through his stand yes Guido he responded already knowing what he wanted to say when we’re going to return in Italy we’re going to find a good therapist he stopped only to hear that Ungalo was still going on whit his disturbing explanation for both

————————————————————

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

I really wanted to include Rykiel in this chapter here, but it was becoming too long and i’m and the school is draining me from every energy, i swear that he is going to be the first character to appear in the second part. Also I’m sorry if in some parts the story is rushed but has i said school etc

[wendibird]

SPN 15X18 Observations

Let me preface this by saying, I apologize ahead of time if I and/or my notes seem a bit cynical. I’ve had a rough week. (I think everyone has.) But for whatever it’s worth, here are my notes, observations and meandering thoughts on tonight’s episode.

Oh, one more thing though. For episodes 19 and 20 (and anything really to do with them) in addition to my usual tags for the episodes and season, I’ll be tagging them with #dontspoilthefinalhunt for any who wish to avoid spoilers for them.

Pre-Episode thoughts:

So, I’ve heard enough rumors already to know that mooooost likely Cas is going to die this episode. And let me be clear, he’s my second favorite character in this show after Sam. But I have trouble feeling strong emotions for something when I go in knowing that I should. But I’m going to try to go into this one with an open mind. 

Also, in the past I liked Billy as a character because though she still had some biases, she still seemed mostly neutral, like OG Death had been. And from previews it looks like maybe they’re turning her into an outright villain like they’ve done with God? Yey. 

- Where’s Chuck? Did he just bampf off?

- So he’s gonna blow up in the Empty?

- Yep.

- So now Dean cares about him? (Jack)

- Poor Jack. He doesn’t get what’s going on. 

- Yey! Jack is back! 

- “You’ve snapped me out of worse.” When?

- They’ve prayed to Michael? Yey for not overlooking options! (Not being sarcastic.)

- Charlie!!!! And yey she has a girlfriend! (Are they gonna kill her?) 

- Aaaaaaand there she goes.

Commercial thoughts:

So, I get the whole narrative idea of taking a character that everyone assumed was kinda on your side and revealing that they were always working towards their own interests. I get it. And it can be effective. I still don’t like it with Billy. 

I’m glad Dean said what he did to Sam. Even if Sam says (and probably thinks) that he doesn’t need to hear the apology, sometimes it needs to be said anyway. And I think saying it all helped Dean a bit too. He needed to know that Sam understood. 

I’m glad Jack’s back though!

- Oh Jack. You’re worth more than your death. 

- I’m glad Cas is saying this, but sadly, I think the “we” only applies to him and Sam. 

- So Jack is powerless when he came back? Did the bomb thing burn out it all out?

*is confused*

- Yey! Eileen! (Please don’t have her just vanish….)

- I’ma cry….

- Oh no……

- “If I let myself go there I’ll lose my mind. I can’t go there right now.”  

- Oh Sam. Always trying to push down his feelings because there’s other shit going on. 

- Hug!!!!!!!

- Sam’s gonna drive Eileen’s car. Just shoot me now….

Commercial thoughts:

So yeah… Wonder what Billy’s plan is here with this random picking-off of people but not like, all at once. She COULD do it all at once, she has the personel. (The Empty didn’t kill all her reapers.) 

I think she’s setting her own kind of trap or something. 

Also, I take it Chuck just vanished? They didn’t say anything about it but that seems to be the impression given.

Still pisses me off though that after bringing Eileen back and only half-assing her role they just had her vanish. (At least Rowena’s in charge of hell, so if she wound up down there again, she SHOULD get a better shake than she did the first time.) 

- Donna!!!!

- Eileen’s Car…… *cries* 

- Sam’s got so much emotional stuff going on this episode. He’s got this grief for Eileen in the background and he’s worried about Jack and trying to help him, and trying to save all these people.

- OUch……. Double ouch. (Were in references to the expressions on Sam’s face when Donna first comforted him about Eileen and then Charlie made her comment about not wanting anyone else to go through what she did.) 

- (Yes, I’m worried about Dean and Cas too.) 

- Sam’s still their “Chief”.

- That's weird….. Why does his touch kill plants? (Not people at least.)

- Yeah, she (Billy) was waiting.

- Oh dear…..

- So what IS causing this?

- NO! NOT DONNA!

- WTF?!

Commercial thoughts:

So Chuck is doing this? I mean, it makes sense. He’s gotten petty enough. But now what? 

Also poor Sam. I mean, he tries so hard to save people. And time after time it just doesn’t work out. It could be seen as part of “Chuck’s Plan” because of how he wants his big story to go. So now I guess he’s just being more direct about it. Sam isn’t allowed to do well unless it’s been authorized by the Narrative. (AKA, him.) When he tries, he just gets shown the error of trying. (But he’s beaten down if he doesn’t try too. Like S8.) 

Also still don’t like how Billy’s character has changed.

- She thinks she’s Freddy Kruger?

- Heart attack? His first “death” was supposed to be his heart. (In “Faith”) Wonder if that’s intentional here?

- Oh god… please don’t tell me they’re going to…. 

Commercial thoughts:

Okay. I don’t ship Destiel. At all. I’m not an anti though, cause I’m firmly a ship-and-let-ship kind of person. 

But that scene while very heartfelt just didn’t do anything for me because it felt more than a bit like revisionistic history. However, I will say, congrats to the Destiel fandom. They killed Cas, but that scene was definitely for you all. 

They’re killing off so many people though it’s like… this is one of my problems when I’m going into a situation where I’m “supposed” to feel a certain way. It makes me awkward. (Like the Episode “Lebanon”.) 

- Gah, poor Sam. 

- WTF?! Is Chuck taking everyone in the world? 

- FUCK?! THAT’S WHERE THEY’RE LEAVING IT OFF?!?!?!?

Okay, so my hope is now, since they’ve gone THIS far with what Chuck is doing, that unless the ultimate resolution of the story is going to be “everything goes away forever” they’re going to have to leave some way to bring people back. 

I’ll be honest, I had trouble connecting emotionally with this episode. But that may not be the episode’s fault. I’ve been working some long hours lately and I just today found out that someone I work with has tested positive for Covid. (I just got tested today.) Plus with all the election stuff still going on, there’s a lot of real-world things on my mind. 

Also, as I said, knowing that these are the final episodes, it’s pretty much a given that things are going to ramp up. (And the people involved with the show have been telegraphing the hell out of Cas’ death, so it wasn’t unexpected. And I get it. Some people really do need that time to prepare emotionally and adjust their expectations.) But I still feel like a lot of the things they’re asking/expecting us to care about, they haven’t put the actual effort into the storytelling to make that happen. I love the absolute shit out of Eileen, but for most of this season she’s been written as little more than an accessory to Sam. And just so he can have some “feels” about someone. And then she gets vanished without so much as a last glimpse of her? (And this episode was filmed before everything closed down due to Covid.) 

I mean, his reaction STILL tore me up, because Jared is that damn good at conveying those emotions. But once again, like LAST time they killed her off, it was amongst so much other shit that there’s barely time for him to even feel it. In fact, he even said that he couldn’t because of what else was going on. And by the end of the episode pretty much everyone else in the world is Thanos-snapped too? 

And I get it, this episode is clearly not about her. It’s about the whole situation. It just still feels like a disservice to the character.

And speaking of disservices to characters…

So, about what Cas said in his speech/confession to Dean. The revisionistic retelling of history has been strong this season, but that was especially bad. We know from past episodes that Cas has ALWAYS had “a crack in his chassis” and always had sympathy and love for humanity. We know that he cares about a lot of people, and has put a lot of effort into becoming a better being. (Just a few episodes ago he talked about how he truly found his purpose when he became a father. And he also had talked about finding his true family.) But no. Apparently all of that character development was just because of Dean. What bothers me isn’t that he told Dean “I love you.” What bothers me is that it truly feels like Cas’ entire character was reduced to one half of a ship. 

Okay, and what also bothers me is that Sam was literally an afterthought in all of that. When for most of these years, Sam has been the one who’s been the most supportive and understanding of Cas. Sam is the one who lately has had the closer connection with him. But naw. He ain’t important, except as an extension of Dean. 

And I get they were trying to throw some fanservice to that corner of the fandom, especially since Cas was slated to die 3 episodes before the end. But they could have done it better. I’ve read fanfic that handled Destiel in a more believable way. (I was reading for the Saileen content as they’re often put in as a sister-ship and it can be hard to find fic of them without it.) And technically this wasn’t even requited. Dean looked more shocked than anything, though I admit that's up to interpretation. But someone in one of the discord servers I'm in posted a picture of that part of the script for this episode and it outright said in the directorial notes that Cas said what he did knowing that Dean didn't/couldn't return his affection the same way. So, there is that.

There were other aspects of the episode I also had thoughts on, like, wtf is up with Jack not having his usual powers but wilting plantlife? Some extension of the bomb-thing? Is he radioactive now to anything with “Celestial energy”? But wouldn’t that have made him give Cas problems too? Or is this supposed to be indicating something else? Amara did that too before she started turning lighter, back in Season 11. Is he somehow turning into the Darkness? Or did he come back from the Empty partially possessed by Lucifer? Gah. I don’t even know. I’m just throwing ideas at a dart board now. *LOL* 

And at this point, wtf CAN they even do against Chuck? I really don’t know. I’m hoping the next episodes are better, but I know 19 was written by Buckleming and they don’t have the best track record. True, a few of their episodes I’ve actually enjoyed. But sometimes they fall short on writing the Brothers Winchester. 

Anyway, I think I’ve probably rambled enough for now.

[jo-sleepycrow]

me feeling sad and frustrated about something that happened today under the cut, because i need to vent:

so today i went to a thyroid doctor because i need to make a couple of exams to know if i have a problem like my big sis has.

i was a bit nervous because i didn’t know what to expect (and i am an anxious person overall) but i was fine with it mostly. the thing is that my mum decided that she wanted to come inside with me to my consultation, i am twenty btw, even after i told her she didn’t have to. i was a bit fine with it, besides the fact that i was old enough to go on my own and didn’t want to be the adult that still goes to the doctor with a parent, but at least it wasn’t my father the one to go with me.(we are mad at each other right now tbh) 

ok so inside the doctors room, she began to ask all sorts of questions about my health and stuff and i thought it was kind of alright (im very awkward but its custom stuff to ask) when she suddenly asked if i was feeling tired lately and i remembered that one of the usual symptoms of a thyroid problem is depression. the thing is that i have had depression since i was 12, at least, (and before that i always was a bit of a sad kid, i think, having no friends really hurt me deep) and my parents always had weird mixed feelings about me and my mental health, always saying that they would do something to help and never end up doing shit, so imagine me, wanting to tell the doctor i have self-diagnosed depression and anxiety but feeling trapped by the presence of my own mother and their (my parents) dismissive attitude towards it. i wanted, and want so bad right now, to cry my eyes out with the need to say that out loud. i ended just saying that i am tired all of the time, which she dismissed by saying that uni is tiring and bla bla bla. 

the fact that i never had anyone clinically diagnosing me with depression, plus the never ending dismissal of my parents, made me question my own certainties and ignore my own feelings enough to not mention an important fact about my health.

i just want to cry so badly. it really hurts me to keep this thing inside when it’s something that affects me on a daily basis. it hurts that i can’t talk about this openly to my parents when i struggle every day to get out of bed, because they make promises they will never keep. because they don’t understand that most times i need silence and space to cope with this thing and all they do is yell until i do something or show up in the living room where they will ignore me.

i only had one psychologist in my life, i met him for one hour every week since i was 12/13 for like two or three years and at the time i hadn’t realised how much i hate going, how he didn’t care and just spent the whole hour on his ipad playing games and asking me stupid questions. i didn’t trust him and in consequence i never opened up much when he asked how i was feeling or what had happened to me. to him i was just another kid who had gone through a bad time and thanks to that he could laze around all day at work and gain money without thinking shit. i don’t want that to happen again.

i have been thinking about applying to my university's therapists for awhile now. at first when i mentioned that to my parents they said not, that they wouldn’t be good enough, and that they would find someone better for me (yeah right that didn’t happen either, thanks a lot), but a friend of mine went there and she got better! but every time i think of applying, intrusive thoughts get in my head and i keep thinking that i don’t need, that i am faking or that it isn’t worrying enough, because, ya know, i haven’t tried to hurt myself yet right?! because thinking i it would be better to not exist isn’t an actual suicide attempt... right? for fucks sake, i had a fucking awful breakdown because of some shoes at the end of 2018 that made me want to die, really want to die. i think it was the very first time that i actually wanted to die and didn’t feel much remorse for it. my parents couldn’t understand want i was feeling and only made things worse. like usual. my dad, who is someone that i am sure went through depression at some point in his life, just yelled at me and hurt me and said some really nasty things that will hurt me forever. when someone who was supposed to be always there for me only knows how to scream and threaten when someone is at their lowest point it makes someone really wonder if they are enough, if they are worth to keep living. my relationship with my father never recovered after that time. not that it was the best before, because a person isn’t mean and mad and threatening only once. it’s a non stopping pattern that for as much as they try to make up for it, it will never be enough. fuck that got more deep than i was expecting, but the thing is that i am really thinking about applying for a uni therapist for my last year, as it is free and whatever (oh yeah that’s another problem in my life, my parents live a shitty teacher life and bla bla bla we don’t have much money right now, another thing that always weighed me down mentally, yey!)

in conclusion: i don’t want my mum to go with me again but i am sure that she will want to so there will i be sad and anxious and quiet about my mental health and will do nothing about it! fuck me, right?! who cares?! not me, it seems.