#mostly just for my own info and stuff bc idk if anyone would care about my gal like i do

[mahniminobu]

ok one fic down. time to work on the one with her parents. im a goddamn BEAST today i feel so productive doing things that nobody cares about

[symptoms-syndrome]

🖤&💔?

LMFAO this combo is so reminiscent of emo DeviantArt LOL

Anyway putting this one under a spoiler just bc I feel weird abt parts info being Out in the Open IDK

🖤 - How many alters do you have? Can you tell me about them?

If I knew for sure the number I think I'd be happier. Around 5-6 "frequent fronters," 3-4 frequently around younger parts, and around 2-3 parts that solely exist in a very sad sort of fashion are the parts around the most/I have the most knowledge about.

I often find it difficult to talk about parts especially when they're not around and I'm worried about offending, so I'll do what I can about the parts I'm familiar with enough to know I won't anger/upset them with what I say.

Seba is the "resident cool guy," or so he's been called/has taken as a moniker. He used to be very antagonistic, but he also used to see himself as a separate entity from like, the Us. Now he's mostly mellow but can still have a sort of biting attitude. I associate him with black cats a lot, and leather. Random fact is that he's the only one I know of in-sys who uses a lot of shorthand (u instead of you, etc) and sometimes I can tell who he's been fronting with based on how much resistance there seems to be against it haha. Like "this is for u" is evidence of more resistance than "this 4 u." Some parts when around with him don't take issue with shorthand but some do. I don't think anyone but Seba on his own would type something like "this 4 u."

Tomas is generally also laid back but friendlier than Seba. But he can get stressed out a lot easier. He and I (S) co-con semi often? Seba and I too. He can be hard to describe, but maybe that's because he's here with me and likes to be humble :/ He's very hard-working, I can say that, he gets a lot of stuff done. I associate him with wolves, forests, and "knight" sorts of things, but I don't think any outsider would. Those are things I just know he likes. He and Hess both are "clean for stress relief" people haha. I also didn't know until an "inner-world" focused therapy session a few months (?) ago, but he seems to be very good with kids.

Hess (formerly referred to as H here, Hess is a new nickname Seba came up with that feels more comfortable than her full name) is very nurturing, caring, loving and motherly. She's generally very collected and is very good at calming us down if we get to spiraling. She's very encouraging which is nice. She's the only part I know of in my sys that can "manifest" by way of physical sensation? Like sometimes I can feel her hand on my shoulder or something like that. She rarely fronts alone for some reason. It's happened before, just not very often.

Mimi has been sort of loud on this blog and in spaces where I/we feel okay being "open," she's possibly the most okay with that sort of thing and enjoys announcing herself the most. So I feel if one is familiar with any part on this blog it's probably her. She's very excitable and supportive, very girly, and loves having fun and spending time with people. She can be a little impulsive but usually with good intent. She really cares about others, which is very sweet of her. Not to say that the rest of us don't, she just seems to go above and beyond with it compared to most of us.

Jay is very serious and I honestly don't know as much about him as I wish I did. He's mostly the one who journals, he holds a lot of parts information, and seems very...serious? He's far less social than any of us, even though a lot of us tend to be "parallel play" types anyway.

Aslan is the primary "kid" part that's around the most, as well as the only one I'm aware of not directly tied to trauma stuff which is nice. He can be really refreshing to be around because he's generally very upbeat and very curious about the world around him.

I (S) like to think of myself as pretty outgoing, and friendly. It can be really hard to talk about yourself. Maybe someone else will talk about me later. I like playing games and stuff but that's far from unique of me among the sys.

I feel like in general, only a few parts (Seba, Tomas and Mimi) front alone for longer than a little while. Most of the time there's more than one person around and I think that meshing can sometimes trick my brain into thinking there's more parts than there are. Like I might mistake Mimi + Aslan both being around for a whole diff part because it won't be fully Mimi or fully Aslan. But IDK. In general our amnesia can be prettyyy high. It's not unusual for me to have stuff happen and have absolutely no idea who did it.

Also for obvious reasons I didn't list parts I feel are heavily connected to Bad Things/Feelings. Or parts who like, I wouldn't know what they would think of me writing about them.

Whew that got long LOL

💔 - How does your system get along?

Hmm. Generally, I feel for the most part a lot of us have come to terms with the "we're all in this together" sort of thing, but aren't always on the same page about it. I don't think there's a lot of open antagonism, but there's definitely frustration with each other sometimes. Like, if you've ever tried to build furniture with someone, you both have the same goal but can frustrate each other and get in each other's ways unintentionally. Like some parts really need their alone time and some really need social time, so there can be frustration when a part either agrees to or cancels a social event and ends up not being around for whatever it was they agreed to or cancelled.

If I had to point out the "worst" vibe, I would say there's a fair amount of anger and sadness, but I feel a lot of it is generally towards the idea of being dissociative than it is towards each other. Like how someone might get really frustrated or upset about living in an apartment with neighbors who vacuum while you're trying to nap. You're not angry at the neighbors, you just don't like living in an apartment. That's kinda how I feel a lot honestly, and I would venture to say many in my sys feel the same.

There are definitely parts that are still openly antagonistic or hateful, but they're generally very trauma-stuck parts and I think they're more just lashing out at whatever feels within reach than they actually have beef with anyone in particular. That's perhaps me just self-therapy-ing though. Maybe some of them aren't trauma-stuck. I probably would've said the same about Seba 5-10 years ago, when he was very mean. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

TLDR would be. I think that the majority of my struggles with DID are more related to being dissociative and having a system than they are the parts themselves/ourselves. For the most part.

[omegawolverine]

I know you posted it days ago but you said something about wanting to rant about either karl or his fanbase and its been itching at my brain. Ive no clue whats happening or what is happening at all cause no one seems to be making clear points?? Or explaining anything?

Obviously you do NOT have to talk about it im sure it might be a sore point to rant because people can get SO needlessly rude to others over it. But if you want to idk explain? Just rant? Im definetly curious what it was over or about.

The "you dont need to talk about this" is amplified by the fact i am DAYS late and you are probably over it by now.

okay hi yes im happy to talk about this but i think i should preface with two things:

1) even tho it may seem like im biased towards him or being very defensive of him im actually a super casual karl viewer and the only reason i am super defensive of him sometimes is bc we act a lot alike irl and that is mainly because of our neurodivegency. when i say a lot i mean we share traits like "annoying" stimming (jumping around, making loud noises, repeating the same phrases until everyone is sick of hearing them), the difficulty reading situations, the very obvious issues with volume control and not just bouncing from subject to subject to subject as we fucking please. basically anything you've seen karl do on stream that is Very Neurodivergent ive done the same in my own way which is why i get defensive when i see people calling him annoying or saying they dont like him, usually for these types of reasons. that being said, when i say im a very casual karl viewer, i fucking mean it. i usually only watch him when he's streaming with other ccs i like or when he's doing chill alt streams bc even with the annoying donos, he's pretty relaxing and comforting when he's just fucking around by himself and he isnt trying to get as hype as he would on a main channel stream. so yeah, it may seem like im biased and sure, i guess i am on some level, but it's not coming from a place of me hyperfixating on him or me even loving him as a cc, it's coming from me being a neurodivergent who likes him just enough to get upset when i see people basically being casually ableist towards him.

2) i dont have all the facts or even a great understanding on what the fuck has been happening recently with his "drama"...mostly bc he talked about it on his priv, which im not on, and people are gatekeeping the tweets, as they always do, and basically making you "dm to see them" (which is already a problem in and of itself bc apparently in these tweets he said he didnt want them being ss and shared, yet they are being shared thru dms over and over and over again like. at that point just stop withholding the information and post the fucking shit, you clearly dont care that he said "dont share"). additionally, most of the threads ive seen on this situation havent actually explained the initial issue, just talked about his apology (a lot of people have said "it's bad" but havent said why and with no screenshots ((i havent asked for someone to dm me them and i still havent seen them posted, which is mildly surprising, but incredibly frustrating at this point)), i only have a few basic details i can actually assess it on) or they talked about the initial issue in very vague details so um. excuse me trying to explain this now, but ill try and make it make sense with how little ive actually pieced together.

(oh, also, here's my first rant about the ableism in this fandom which is way more broad. this is a pretty different rant from that one, but they're both pretty big reasons why i hate this fandoms treatment of karl)

so basically the problems started with mr beast being apart of a charity stream that donated either to autism speaks or to a similar company, im unsure on that part. im also unsure on if the people participating in the stream actually knew of this or not bc, from what i remember, the money was being donated to a separate organization that was like. under the bad company or some shit like that, idk how stuff like that works and also i read about this shit months ago bc this originally happened months ago and just sorta came to a head recently.

anyways, i think karl was supposed to be apart of this stream but pulled out of it right before (that or these were two separate streams and karl was supposed to participate in the first but pulled out while mr beast did both?? idk. regardless karl did not actually participate, just mr beast). from there people started doing the guilt from association bullshit they always do, this was also doubled by the fact that the chris being racist stuff came out sometime around then and basically he got dragged all over twitter for "being ableist" and "supporting racists" and i cant remember if he actually apologized when this originally happened or not. i vaguely remember him apologizing about something back then but i genuinely dont know if it was this or something else.

basically that died down eventually, a good chunk of people unstanned him but him and honktwt didnt end up getting the lovely lil technotwt treatment and they still havent yet, surprisingly. good for them honestly ajsksk

but now we get to the past few weeks and apparently something happened with him "laughing at someone saying the r slur" (it was mizkif, i believe), specifically when it was directed at other people, which is a big yikes, obviously, but when karl was called out for this a lot of people kind of. made this into a situation that it wasnt bc um. basically karl didnt laugh at it, he gave a few nervous giggles, as people often do when in a situation like that (and karl specifically said he does this in the one part of his apology tweet which i did stumble upon, although it wasnt the important part of the apology thread bc why would it be) and people fucking crucified him for it. they quite literally dragged a neurodivergent man for supposedly "laughing at the r slur" when he can literally reclaim it and also he was just nervous laughing.

and this is where the situation just gets really bad because they. basically forced him to admit that he was autistic on his priv to apologize for this. i havent seen the screenshots of him saying this, but i saw people discussing it and i am frankly so fucking pissed about this because sure, it was a bad situation, and i understand people wanting an explanation, but an apology? for a neurodivergent man nervous laughing at a slur he can reclaim? and then forcing the man to admit something he literally said in that tweet he didnt want people to know which is why people were being so gatekeepy about it while also LOUDLY discussing the situation, as if that wouldnt drive MORE PEOPLE to look for screenshots and ways to get ahold of this information? and then people had the audacity to call it a "bad apology" when they had quite literally just violated his privacy by forcing him to admit something that he shouldnt have needed to share in the first place if he didnt want to, which he didnt.

and this is why im so pissed off. karl is already constantly picked at and made fun of and called annoying for his neurodivergent traits, things which he literally cant help, things which are generally harmless, and now he was forced into a situation where he can now be further picked at and made fun of and called annoying bc they forced him to admit something private instead of just understanding and accepting that he had been nervous laughing at someone using a slur he has definetly been called for his neurodivergency.

tldr of my thoughts: yes i think karl needed to address this situation, it definetly looked bad, but twitter stans have this sense of entitlement with their ccs and because of that, they consistently take it way too far and harm the people they claim to care about so dearly. we've seen it happen time and time again with dream, but this is the first time ive seen them basically force someone to out themselves to make their apology "valid" and most of them still seem to not want to accept it anyways, which just makes me feel bad for him bc now that info is out their and people are just disregarding it to continue "holding him accountable".

anyways, i think that's all i can really say on this topic rn tbh, if anyone else knows this situation better please feel free to lmk clarifications and ill add them in since, like i said, i know fuck all thanks to twitter being so goddamn hush hush about the important details while simultaneously being the loudest mfers about how much they hate karl now instead of just fucking unfollowing and moving on.

thanks for the ask and im sorry if this is confusing!! i just think this is one of those weird situations where like. i think karl deserved some criticism for what happened and how he handled it or at least he shouldve been asked to address it but that just. isnt what happened, at all. he was harrassed. karl got harrassed and because of that he handled this situation even more sloppily than he probably wouldve and exposed private info about himself that he didnt feel comfortable doing and it just. fucking sucks tbh.

[kidrat]

thoughts on... hamsters. and gerbils. i know you like rats but give me all your rodent opinions

(ok it didnt occur to me to have normal opinions on this til i wrote like three paragraphs on the evils of pet shops so let’s take it back and uuuh. i’ll insert some thoughts on the animals as animals briefly. ahem)

hamsters are fat and a bit stupid and like in general i prefer mice. and i will say that I remember reading that mice are hardier and generally less agressive?? but i do respect hamster people. your hamsters are nice and plump and a good chill alternative to mice whomst can be high energy and need more climbing space. one day mayhaps i will own one. i liked jenna marbles’ hamster.

Gerbils I have even less knowledge of and the Vibes gerbil ppl give me is confusing because they are less common than hamsters I think, but I don’t get the ‘ah, a Rodent Person’ energy I get if I meet anyone who has kept rats, mice or ferrets. Basically idk if gerbil people are part of the exotic pet community. If i meet someone with a snake or whatever i know they are kin. gerbil people please tell me what you’re like. Anyway gerbils have cute tails and they’re a weird shape but I appreciate that they like to dig.

(and here we have the spicy onions)

there is no! such! thing! as an ‘easy’ or ‘starter’ pet!!!! lots of animals get this rep and then get so mistreated bc they’re owned by kids who don’t know any better who were given them by parents who don’t realise that literally every animal has particular needs and in the worst case by parents who want to teach their kids a lesson about responsibility :) using living creatures :)

like the shit i see marked as a good cage for ANY small animal makes me. yikes. (generally u gotta go an animal up, so like my mice got a ‘gerbil’ cage, my rats had a ‘ferret’ cage etc. bc that’s how bad the sizes are compared to the actual minimum space requirements)

and don’t even get me fucking started on the tubes. hamsters im so sorry about the tube cages :( They smell and are hard to clean and don’t have enough ventilation as they’re just straight plastic instead of bars bc. its a tube (rats especially but all small pets like that are Very susceptible to respiratory issues. and no one would like being in an enclosed space with the fumes of their own urine.) they’re also tricky to get the animal out of which means pets kept in that kind of space are unlikely to get handled as often as they need to be and will probably be skittish won’t get enough exercise.

And this stuff along with those exercise balls (bad ventilation, holes for air are a foot trap), wheels that are too small and will bend the animal’s spine, and other things are sold in error for all small animals, including gerbils, but I think hamsters get the brunt of it.

and i feel really bad about assuming that most hamsters especially are accidentally neglected, bc I’m sure mostly their young kid owners love them? but like shit i didn’t give the mice i had as a little kid as much space and toys as they needed bc i wasnt old enough to understand that the pet industry is corrupt and cares less about animal welfare and more about profit. One of my mice was literally sexed wrong which. if you’ve seen a male rodent you know how hard that is to do?? but I hadn’t so as far as I knew I had a male mouse who didn’t need companionship. 

And in retrospect that’s funny and my first mouse Philly was a trans guy icon with the tuxedo fur to match and he did live a very long life and was happy and bonded with me well. BUT I didn’t have all the info provided to give him what he needed. And hamsters I think just have an even worse time because of the rep they’ve developed as The starter pet to teach ur barely self aware infant about the consequences of uuuuuuuuuuuuh owning a thing that can die :)

and im gonna calm down now but uh. sorry abt that thanks for asking sxhbsadj

[icharchivist]

can you talk about your opinion on Wisely ? I kinda have no opinion of him aside from "weird psychic noah who's in the secret with Road, also a slob at using his powers"; so I'd like to be enlightened about him in general/if there's subtle characterization on him or anything

oooh boy that’s gonna be hard. I can pull on essays when I have a starting point on what to say, kinda? but from scratch it’s... complicated. 

Especially since Wisely is kinda recent. I mean I lived his introduction in the manga. And by virtue of being��“All Knowing” he has to remain mysterious or else he would ruin the fun, so...

this is kinda the problem with Wisely, we know he knows much, much more than anything we can imagine. So he seems too tied to the lore of the story rather than his own person, so it’s harder to pinpoint stuff about his development the way we can with any of the characters. Even the Bookmen who are linked to the lore aren’t... Living embodiment of that lore and memory like Wisely is.

That said, I kinda love him? 

We have so few scenes with him but what we can gather is that yes he’s all knowing, that he’s a dork, he’s as sadistic as his family, that he LOVES his family, especially the Earl and Road 

Which kinda makes sense? they’re the two that “hadn’t changed” since his days. Even if he knows the others’s “memories” (both litteraly and their noah memory) he’s new and barely know them. Hell if Tyki is anything to go by, Tyki finds him creepy because he creeps into his mind. Wisely can know eVERYTHING about Tyki but Tyki doesn’t know jackshit about Wisely. and that’s the case for everyone else.

Besides, he’s arriving right at the moment everyone has questions about the 14th and the only one who have answers are Road and Wisely. The thing is: Road is surprisingly the “Eldest Sister” of the gang: Since she survived the massacre, she saw the awakening of all the others Noah, and we can see she, for exemple, helped Skinn toward his, making it likely she did the same with the others. So I can see everyone accept Road knowing more than most, they’ve been used to that all along.

But Wisely is the new guy. He’s the last one to come back to life. Everyone should be his “senpai” by “birthstatue” but that punk just came and declared he knew better than everyone else and immediatly started to hit off with Road and the Earl.

Hell, especially for the likes of Sheryl I wonder how much kinship between Road and Wisely might sting. They all would believe they know Road well and all, that she was their eldest figure, that she joked off with them and loved them, and suddenly that new guy arrives and they start to keep secrets together and obviously have a bound that trancended Wisely’s death.

Tbh it’s probably why the guidebook mentioned that Wisely since then made himself join the Kamelot family. He can therefore remain close to Road WHILE pissing Sheryl off. If that’s not a Goal.

If anything though the fact Wisely can only create weird relationship is something that kinda puts his relationships into perspective? He seems like a nice, outgoing guy. He knows what goes on in anyone’s mind. Hell, in the manga’s bonus you even see him kinda like the exorcists. Having no boundaries to explore someone’s mind makes that Wisely can easily pinpoint them out, but yet he doesn’t seem to change his attitude a lot. I imagine he can take a glance at someone’s brain and wonder whenever or not it would be fun to hang around with them or to make their lives hell. It’s kinda fun that he’s not trying to adjust to anyone, he looks for his own fun.

What I loved with the Grey Log was how much apparently, Wisely and Tyki are enjoying “acting like hobos” in front of Fancy Sheryl. (from refusing to take bath to eating fishes out of pounds)  Tyki used to be alone in this disaster but now Wisely 100% supports him. And even more than him just finding out what’s the most fun, this is probably the closest thing we’ll ever get to Wisely connecting to his human life. And the fact he’s still carrying it on with pride is kinda amazing to me? Apparently the Jasdebi twins also love to play dress up with him? which is hilarious? (there’s also a bonus of them bullying Wisely by pulling his bandana if i remember). And he has a pet toad that apparently comes from when he became a Noah. I have no idea what to make of that aside that it is very cute.

So... trying not to look at the guidebook... wisely is so new we barely have enough info on him. And he’s too surrounded by mystery.

I think it’s undeniable that he cares for his family and that he is himself a rather playful person. He knows too much and we don’t know enough so we can’t relate.

Okay so one thing i think about, aside from the fact he kept contact with Road (which is WILD because Sheryl got very angry at the Bookmen and started to go further in his tortures when Road disappeared but somehow wisely could just have cleared it up?? But then I doubt Wisely cares much for whatever the hell they’re doing, and whatever Road is doing must remain a secret even from their family), and that he seems to be very adamant to protect the Earl:

When the Earl has his massive breakdown crying about how he is not Mana, Wisely hugs him tight and tries to calm him down right? Wisely obviously knows something, and it’s even to wonder if he could dig deeper about Mana Walker (even if we KNOW he knew Mana D Campbell). But he remained... so soft. So careful. He saw the Earl’s meltdown and was only preoccuped with making it easier for the Earl. It’s rather sweet and it shows that he has a very concerned side to him.

I think all i can say about Wisely is how... easily he could have been someone else? He could so easily have stayed distant in his own self-important mind. He could so easily be dropping every information he has on people. He could so easily just not care about making connections with people he can read like open books. He could so easily just know what someone would expect and act like it to controle them. But.... all of that isn’t in Wisely. For a All Knowing Character, he’s surprisingly gentle, he’s surprisingly outgoing, fun, trying to make connections. He tries to bound with people on his own terms, with his own preferences.

So i think that’s what I find interesting with Wisely? His archetype could have been anything, hell, it could have been a parallelism to the Bookmen’s lack of emotion (and perhaps the fact he so much as LOVE his peple serves as one, that he doesn’t hold back from having feelings despite his knowledge, that could work as a foil) but mostly the idea we can get of him he’s that he’s sweet and funny and teasing. 

And it was a nice addition to the Noah cast. I mean that we know well, we had the Earl (duh) who’s very sweet and caring, Road who is more playfully teasing and also caring, looking over how everyone deals with their internal issues, overprotective ect... We have Tyki that is extremely bound to his own humanity and therefore has the dilema of being the one who awoke his Noah so much he cant get back ot his human life. We had Skinn who was full of anger and frustration. Then we had The Twins, who represent a cruel childishness, who are always defying their family’s being (while loyal to the cause, they’re just brats). We had Lullubel, more stoic, more duty focused. Then we had Sheryl, the sadistic manipulator, sweet talker who prepares political horrors with a sweet work of tongue. And Nea... who’s Nea. (i’m not really counting the others ones since they’re not that developped. Fiidora perhaps deserves a mention under “sadistically childishly horrifying”)

Wisely works a bit how caring the Earl can be. And the fact he bounded more easily with Road and Tyki is also something to take into account. He’s the knowledge, he’s a manipulator on the feelings he can gather yes, but we also see him as more gentle, more playful, not in the amounts of cruauty we saw the youngest of the cast (.. which just reminded me the twins are actually 18 while Wisely is 17. Not that it matters when Wisely remembers all his past lives but.. still.). 

Ofc while all of them remains a certain amount of sadistic ofc.

Idk i guess it’s.. a question of what he could have been and what he adds to the cast that kinda gets my attention? and there’s mostly a lot to picture in his dynamic with his family and perhaps the Exorcists if we take the Komui Corner for granted.

THIS IS ALL OVER THE PLACE but unless i have an idea where i’m supposed to go i end up.... all over the place.

Idk i like him fine. Not a fav by all account bc i still wait to see how he might develop (if a character like him can develop) but.... we’ll see.

Take care!

[dcrothy]

hello friends !! it’s ya hoe moose (she/her) & i’m 21 and chillin over in the cst. i’m jazzed af to join this lovely group and rp with u all !! my gal dorothy here is a semi-new muse & i’m still working some stuff out with her but.....hopefully u like her anyway lmaooo. i would love love love to plot with u all so feel free to HMU or just LIKE THIS and i’ll come to you !! if you prefer to chat on discord just hmu on there instead, that’s chill with me. also bc i am such a.....pinterest hoe u can catch her board HERE !! more info abt her under the cut of course~

[ kristine froseth, cisfemale, she/her, 20 ] GINGER by THE FRONT BOTTOMS? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of DOROTHY LINDVIG. maybe because they’re VIVACIOUS but also ALOOF. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since AUGUST of 2016 in 410 and have 1 ROOMMATE. 

tw: trauma, eating disorder, drug use !!

ok so !!!! first thing’s first, she usually does by the nickname dolly. but she doesn’t care too much abt what u call her u can call her fuckass and she’d just be like what’s up

she’s a town native !!! grew up in a shitty area w a kind of shitty family. parents were never around, always off on benders or just....generally bein shitty parents. dolly & her older brother had to learn how to take care of themselves when they were pretty young and they’ve always done just fine. they didn’t have a lot of money so dolly got pretty good at playing up the cute lil girl role and getting free stuff out of ppl

as much as she claims she relies only on herself, she also relies heavily on the kindness of strangers bc without them she definitely would have gone hungry for real

in order to stay away from her house as much as possible she would hang out at the skating rink as a kid & eventually after stealing a pair of skates from the lost & found she taught herself how to skate & eventually figure skate as well. she’s always wanted to go pro but.....obviously couldn’t afford the training

her brother used to throw pretty big ragers in their place when their parents were gone so......she started drinking & doing drugs at a pretty young age & just generally hanging out with ppl who were much older than her & v bad influences.

trauma tw !! it was at one of these parties that she had a traumatic experience w one of her brother’s friends. she was 13 and she still hasn’t told anyone about what happened. it happened on more than one occasion and her brother is still friends w this boy so she just.....does her best to avoid him & pretend that nothing ever happened bc she refuses to acknowledge her trauma

she was pretty popular in school but never rly felt like she had any true friends ??? none of her relationships were all that deep and she mostly just hung out with people to get free stuff LMAO and like rides places i guess

but she does have her lil group of friends that she truly cares abt and when she actually cares abt u.......she’s around for LIFE u cant get rid of her sorry

she got emancipated when she was 16 and has been living on her own ever since. at first she’d would just stay at friend’s houses and sleep on their couches, but that stopped when she finally got a job at the skating rink teaching kids how to skate & got a new place to live. she’s been chillin working there and living in the apartment building for a couple of years now

despite the fact she has a job, a good portion of her income doesn’t even rly come from that ??? she has......a sugar daddy who finances most of her spending

that is.....a v brief outline of her life up until this point but imma talk a bit abt her personality now

she is.....very magnetic tbH. knows how to draw in a group and keep them interested

knows how to bat her eyelashes and flirt if it means she’ll get something out of it

she’s kind of mean, kind of not ??? she is v moody a lot of the time tbh like it’s either hit or miss with her. sometimes she’ll be in the mood to have a big long chat and in a split second she’ll be telling u to fuck off

likes to know everyone else’s drama but doesn’t like having drama of her own

kind of does her own thing ???? marches to the beat of her own drum. doesn’t rly follow any rules. she’s just out here

does most things out of spite. even if she doesn’t want to do something, if someone tells her she cant do something she’s gna do it no matter what

very animated and lively. the type to dance in the middle of the grocery store if a song she likes is playing

also the type to dance on tables at the club

doesn’t rly care what ppl think about her but.....does at the same time ??? if ur important to her she cares deeply abt ur opinion but if not........she doesn’t give a FUCK

makes homes out of people far too easily & it’s fucked her up!!!!!

she always has to keep herself busy or else she’ll lose her mind :))))

will do.......literally anything to get something for free ??? doesn’t matter what it is or who u are. she can HATE u but.....she will still blow u behind the 7/11 for a free slurpee u know

i wouldn’t say she’s hypersexual but she is highly sexual thx to her trauma !!!

she is friendly yet distant at the same time so like......while she will happily talk to u and hang out with u and whatever she avoids deep conversation topics ig ??? she always finds a way to leave or change the subject when it gets serious or make a joke out of things bc she can’t.........talk abt stuff ajsdfjkgdjgk

a very witty & clever girl. she’s v smart and would have done well in school had she had a slightly better life & didn’t have to worry abt whether or not she would starve

some extra tidbits abt her !!!

p much all of her clothing is vintage/thrifted. she likes to re-purpose old clothes and make them her own. but her aesthetic is v vintage. shoes are her fave & she’s always wearing some funky type of boot or platform shoe

just a real fashion bitch !!!!

catch her online shopping at almost any given moment

mental breakdown haircuts at 2am are her Mood

she loves going to cute lil vintage diners & drinkin a cherry coke. she....actually is lowkey addicted to pop 

can’t keep a relationship to save her life. will date someone and put herself FULLY into the relationship but.......will either get bored or cheat on them or put them up on a pedestal so it’s destined to fail after one lil mistake.

she is a self-sabotager like that bc she doesn’t believe she’s deserving of love or any good things really

smokes cigarettes

drug use tw !! smokes a lot of weed probably. also does a lot of cocaine. has a coke addiction, in fact

her fave colour is red

she has a cat named freddie who she adores more than anything else on the planet

likes to play poker & gamble

will literally try anything once

hates herself & is rotting inside!!!!!!!!!!!!

eating disorder tw !! another symptom from her trauma is the eating disorder she developed as a teen. food is.....one of her few things in life she can fully control so she controls it a Lot. she’ll go days without eating just to feel more in control & then often times after restricting a certain food for a v long time she’ll go on a massive binging and purging and it’s awful :////// 

just wants to have fun and forget abt how disgusting she feels on a daily basis & how much she hates herself :))))))))))

generally just.............a messy bitch

this is......a LOT. i don’t have a full wc page or anything yet but here r some ideas ig ???

friends !! ppl that don’t actually know her all that well but she pretends they do anyway

exes !! ya girl puts her whole entire being into relationships even tho she runs away from them right after bc self sabotage ???? so she prob isn’t on good terms with any of her exes but......she’s my bi queen so this is open to anybody!!!!

a drug dealer

party buddies

fwbs & hookups, that kinda thing

maybe someone she cheated on a partner with ??? for Drama

or like....someone who’s relationship she fucked up idk

maybe someone who has a crush on her or something & she’s like.......pls don’t what r u doing

someone she has a crush on & avoids them like the plague bc feelings are gross

a good influence

idK i want angst & cute fluffy stuff so just.........everything pls thank uuuu

and ofc.............the song connections i’ve sent to the main~

that was a LOT im sorry y’all but..........come plot w me pleaseeee :’)

[juliivn-blog]

[ bill skarsgård, cismale, he/him, 29 ] BRAIN STEW by GREEN DAY? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of JULIAN NILSSON. maybe because they’re SELF-RELIANT but also CAVALIER. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since SEPTEMBER of 2018 in APARTMENT 203 and have 1 ROOMMATE. [ lainie, she/her, 21+, cst ]

hello bitches it me ( lainie ) back at it again !! this time bringing u the anti adrian and pls be wary bc there are a lot of sensitive topics down below ( tws for major drug use, drug addiction, death, grief, shitty parenting, neglect, abandonment?? kind of idk better safe than sorry ) also u can find a tl;dr at the bottom since it’s literally SO LONG

BACKGROUND

so bear with me bc his background info is kind of Long!! his mom and dad are from just outside of st louis, missouri. his mom came from a pretty wealthy family and she was just like tryna be ~rebellious in her young adult years by dating julian’s dad (who came from a super trashy family and had a Bad Boy Rep). when she was 19 and he was 22 she got pregnant ( with julian ) and her fam was like get rid of that baby or ur gone !! but they were “““madly in love””” and she was on her rebellious shit so they literally eloped to the city ( st louis ) and got an apartment together and had julian but never actually got married bc they were too cool ( read: irresponsible ) for that. ofc this ended up being rly miserable bc she was used to living the rich life and now her family had disowned her, and suddenly she was starting to realize this dude she had a kid with was kind of a deadbeat party boy with no interest in having a family, not to mention she started realizing like?? i don’t actually want a kid this is a lot of work?? so like julian’s childhood years were a lot of him having to learn to take care of himself and not having anyone to depend on most of the time. and that’s not to say they didn’t both care abt him on some level bc there were definitely times they paid attention to him and gave him a birthday party or two but for the most part he was on his own

his secret favorite memory is flying a kite with his dad when he was 4 but u would be more likely to win the lottery than get him talking abt that

fast forward 5 years and finally julian’s dad, now in his late 20s and getting antsy, peaces the fuck out to los angeles to live his best party boy life. baby julian is very upset bc even tho his dad doesnt pay a lot of attention to him he like idolizes him. julian’s mom is saltier than EVER about having to take care of a kid but she doesn’t wanna go to LA ( especially for this asshole she doesn’t even like anymore ) and her parents won’t have anything to do with her or her illegitimate child so the NEXT 5 years are a lot of moving around from shitty apartment to shitty apartment and job to job by themselves. his dad would now and then send weird postcards and letters and pictures and stuff from cali so he had like a vague idea of the fact that his dad was living his own life somewhere that looked super wild, and when he was 11 years old he sent a letter back asking if he could come live with him. his dad contacts his mom, there’s a bunch of fighting, but in the end julian did indeed get to go live with his dad in los angeles, mostly bc his mom just didn’t give a fuck anymore and was lowkey like…u know what fine take him i can have my life back

obviously his dad does not know how to be a dad !!! he kind of thought of julian as his little like…..sidekick like he just thought having this 11 year old kid around was hilarious. so julian went to LA and was living with his dad and his dad’s friends in a relatively nice apartment but like it’s always filled with people doing drugs and having sex and it’s just. not child friendly at all. so that’s how julian was introduced to weed at the ripe young age of 11!!! from there on out he was like a big time weed and cigarette smoker, was very early having sex and trying other drugs, and by the time he graduated high school he was already hardcore doing coke

so julian like kind of wanted to go to college bc some part of him did crave normalcy, but he was way too far up his own ass to get his shit together for that !! plus like….he didn’t rly have good role models. so his first year after high school instead of getting on a good path for his future he decided living his best life would include moving into an apartment with his cokehead best friend. it was around that time that julian met his first boyfriend. he was already totally aware he was bi, had slept with boys in high school, but this was the first time he rly fell in love with a guy. he was like……….head! over! heels! for this boy. julian met him at a club and he was like sort of soft and relatively innocent until they started dating and julian got him smoking weed and then snorting coke

this next part is very triggering so please read with caution !! when he was 23, julian tried heroin for the first time. for about 6 months it gradually got really bad, his life started spiraling, and his bf was like….becoming unable to deal with it, especially bc while julian was getting worse his bf was kind of trying to move in the opposite direction and get off the coke and get his life back together. there was a lot of fighting, but his bf kept not actually making the move to end things bc he loved julian and was just like hoping something would turn around. one night, however, in a moment of weakness, he let julian talk him into trying heroin with him. it was kind of an “i promise i’ll get clean if u try it with me this one time” thing. being in and out of consciousness and not really aware of what was going on, he didn’t notice that his bf was overdosing and he ended up dying simply bc the heroin was too much for his body and he stopped breathing. julian didn’t notice until the morning when he woke up, and obviously that was by far the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to him and left some deep ass emotional scars

so following this, he actually did check himself into rehab. he was there for 3 months, got completely clean, but he only managed to stay that way for two weeks before he was first snorting heroin again and then back to shooting up and selling drugs

it was about 2 yrs later when he was 26 that he met his next bf while he was doing a deal at some seedy bar outside of town. they quickly fell into a completely unanticipated relationship–notably, julian’s first since his boyfriend’s death. in spite of that trauma and feeling guilty even as he did it, he started introducing this boyfriend to drugs. in his mind, it was kind of a thing where he fell in love really fast and really hard out of nowhere and he saw this sad little thing with no place to go and drugs are the only thing he’s ever known himself, so it was very natural to be like “here try this it helps” and also naively convincing himself he’d never let what happened before happen again

so 3 years later they’re living together and completely broke, living mostly off the money julian makes selling drugs and whatever else they can scrape up, when his bf decides he wants to do a road trip across the country. julian’s very impulsive, doesn’t really give a shit about anything in LA anyway, and to top it off has a hard time saying no to him. SO a road trip it is !! they make it all the way across the country before finally using up the last of their money and realizing they don’t have enough to get back

they stopped in north carolina for a while while julian saved up enough cash for them to at least get somewhere they liked better, which is how they wound up in baltimore !!

here their jeep completely broke down and julian sold it so that the money from that plus the money he made selling drugs they could put toward a deposit on an apartment

it’s in their heads to get back to la eventually, but baltimore is kind of their ~scene so julian’s in no hurry. he’s selling drugs again but they use a lot of what he’s supposed to sell so......they’re not going anywhere any time soon anyway ytseugukhej

PERSONALITY

so now that his lengthy as fuck background is over with………julian is an extremely EXTREMELY dry sarcastic person. the guilt over his bf has made him a hell of a lot worse, like his sense of humor is so so much darker than it was before that happened, but he’s honestly just a rly sarcastic person to begin with. he has some softness inside especially for people he rly cares abt, but you will not catch julian being sentimental or taking literally anything seriously unless you’ve managed to seriously worm your way into his heart

he’s not like a GRUMP tho at all he just….doesn’t take things seriously. he’s literally the embodiment of every bart simpson meme

“whatever my dude” is his aesthetic

he’s very careful about his drug dealing, he won’t go around talking about it or anything, he does it all under the radar as much as he can and especially having done it for so long now and having experienced a lot of traumatic crap, he’s pretty good at what he does and he won’t fuck with people he doesn’t trust

even when it’s warm it’s not totally unlikely to see him in long sleeves bc he has really bad track marks all over his arms from shooting up so much, especially in the early days when he was really bad at it

he absolutely will not talk about his past and if anything even close to it comes up in conversation he will skate right over that so qUICK ur head will spin

i think that’s IT FOR NOW if u made it this far i commend ur effort and attention span. im gna list some plots n stuff below ( beyond the song connections ) and hit me uP for some angst bc ya girl is here for the drama as usual

CONNECTION IDEAS

u can find song connections HERE

any and all drug related things !! people who buy from him ( especially weed, he’s a lot more lenient about to whom he sells weed as opposed to other stuff ), people he introduces to drugs, friends he actually does drugs with

he’s very dry and enigmatic but he’s also quite social so seriously give me friends for him. he’s high a LOT but not always and he likes being out doing stuff

definitely somebody or somebodies who don’t trust him and his drug addict bart simpson vibe please please give me people who don’t like him

along that same vein it takes a lot to get julian worked up and in fight mode bc he prefers to just let things roll off his shoulders but it would def be fun to have someone who gets him to that point

also somebody who?? maybe thinks they can “fix” him and genuinely does their best to try and persuade him to change his life and that it’s not too late to turn everything around ( this is basically the song connection medicine by daughter )

if ur muse is randomly from st louis missouri????? hit me up with a past connection from way back in julian’s childhood

also someone he went to high school with in LA if they’re from LA. this person would probably not be surprised at the way julian turned out ystefygdjhs

AND TL;DR BECAUSE THIS IS SO LONG

a drug addict and dealer who learned to take care of himself from an early age because of neglectful parents. got a boyfriend addicted to drugs and lost him to an overdose when he was in his early twenties, went to rehab, relapsed, met another bf years later with whom he decided to road trip across the country and got stuck in baltimore. dry, sarcastic, kind of a douche, epitome of every bart simpson meme, walking tragedy. 

[bevoond]

sup yall. i’m mich and i love thor: ragnarok and any movies tbh. anyways talk to me, plot w me. details, wc + discord info under ze cut. oh and color the heart if u wanna plot or u could just come to me.

[ TESSA THOMPSON ] — KATHARINA HAY IS A/AN THIRTY YEAR-OLD INSTRUCTOR OF SPECIAL WEAPONS TRAINING FROM IRELAND AND EURASIA UNIT, ALSO KNOWN AS AGENT DIONYSUS. INTEL TELLS ME THAT SHE IS PERSISTENT & CHARMING, IF NOT A LITTLE VENGEFUL & LAID-BACK. SHE DEMONSTRATE EXTRAORDINARY EXPERTISE IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT, NAVIGATING. BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK. 

DISCORD IS @ lionheart #1956 feel free to hmu!! i promise i’ll be excited!!

Katharina Hay or mostly known as KAY or KATIE or KAT or idk she has so much nicknames by her friend has spent almost her entire life in Ireland. A city girl at her best but that’s all about her life.

How did she end up here in the espionage business? Well, she sometimes wondered that too. Her family lineage doesn’t have anyone in the business or anything but her father was a cop if that helps.

Kay has been acquainted with firearms since she was little. Heck, even to her mother’s dislike, her dad taught her a few tricks up his sleeves about weapons and self-defense techniques.

After she graduated school, she couldn’t decide on what to take and so decided to attend Prescott since it’d be very far away from home and she gets to travel away from Ireland. Kay sees it as an opportunity to go away and live out the best thing life has to offer, right??

LMAO WRONG! Homegirl struggled through the academy because it’s so different from what she used to have (formal education) but she managed to fight through and master the skills that it takes to be an agent.

Ok so wow!! She went through everything and finally became an agent... but still with her laid-back personality and all. 

Codename Dyonisus bcs homegirl really likes greek myth and wine.... also bcs her grandparents actually owned a winery so shout out to them.

Takes the word chill really seriously and could almost always be found chilling and drinking cocktails pretending she was a rich lady living in a mansion.

Anyways back to the topic, she takes her job seriously but never too seriously because she just can’t. Stress causes stomachaches. Well, that was until an encounter of a mission to guard US politician. Where she thought nothing would have happened or shouldn’t have happened but she was wrong dUH. Ever since she couldn’t even bring herself to enjoy life all over like she used to.

Kay is the type of mentor who’s chill af as long as you weren’t a dick to her. She’s for the most part will provide you with all the infos and how-tos of a weapon. If you’re a dick to her? Well boo, you’re gonna get ignored by her.

But her 2028 resolution was to be more careful and responsible. She’s trying her best to stay in her lane for the resolution. The result? She was trying to be strict on her classes but homegirl couldn’t keep it in for more than a minute to her usual chill and punny self.

also bABY BI BI BI!!

CONNECTIONS:

FELLOW EURASIA AGENTS/MENTORS: ok self-explanatory. give me drinking buddies, hook-ups, gossip friends,bestfriends, exes, etc!!

MENTEES: give me kids who actually hate her bcs she’s so chill or give me kids who love her, etc, you can come up with more! she treats her mentees more like friends than students so....

RIVALS? ok but gimme rivals. two competitive people brought up together to compete in anything? GIMME!! bonus points if they’re from the north america unit!!

ETC: my brain is stuck atm im sure i can come up w more stuff later anyways feel free to hmu and let’s plot or just chat i dont mind either.

[choric]

( park jimin - demimale, he/they ) — did you see noeul han walking down the street? the twenty-three year old has lived here for three weeks. i heard they’re an aspiring painter & a part-time barista now, time sure flies. gooey by glass animals always did remind of them, maybe it’s because they’re so audacious & charitable. though i did hear they can also be commanding & capricious if you catch them on a bad day.

hey babes drum-roll it’s admin fany here to welcome yall~ with some random info about me I guess uh so I’m 26, living in northern europe, most of the time dying bc I’m not made for these hot ass summers, other times just being distracted twelve times outta ten jsyk I’m not ignoring anyone my attention span is just in the negatives. or I’m playing overwatch. or subnautica when I’m feeling particularly masochistic.  would drop dead without tea. ye. that’s all for today folks

anyway here’s Noeul’s profile if you wanna peep also a very messy plot page aaaand I’m gonna ramble about him now uwu

tw: emotional abuse, tw: assault ( kinda brief mentions, esp the assault, I tried keeping it safe )

born in Seoul but his family moved to USA when he was barely 6. they moved around a l o t since then but stayed within the borders. save for one weird year in France back in 2010

he haTED it. all the constant moving around and starting at new schools with new people trying to get new friends and find new hobbies and leaving pretty much everything behind so often just stressed the hell out of his young self and he was in a perpetual state of over-emotional about the whole ordeal and angry and bitter and yeah. not having a good time

over the years he managed to find ways to cope with it, drawing and painting being a major thing as it was one of very few things he could just continue without any special arrangements made or it feeling different. putting all that bent up negativity on paper was helpful in itself so he stuck with it without much thought then, clinging into a lifeline of one constant in a sea of variables

later on it morphed from being less of a therapeutic activity and more one of him being able just flow with creativity, paint with a less personal agenda and enjoy it way more too ( not to say he doesn't still use it as a form of escapism too )

reading was another thing he found enjoyment in, especially during his early teenage years. that is something he doesn't engage that often in anymore however

his parents didn’t really care about what hobbies he took on ( even with painting carrying throughout the years he ended up trying a whole slew of other things too ) until it became apparent he was actually considering art as a legit career path. neither agreed it being a good idea but they didn’t flat out deny him either.. just were very patronising about it for months and by that time he had come to actual decision of going through with it out of pettiness alone lmao. which of course served nothing but to legit piss them off and led to a number of arguments they still have to this day yikes

his parents entire view on life seemed to be there was no point getting attached to anything, sentimentality was a flaw and you could just buy everything you needed again without much care for what was left behind. especially his mom had a lot of emotionally abusive ways to steer his life in the direction she wanted, but giving just enough freedom for him to think he had a say in anything. not to say she wasn’t supportive and encouraging too but he honest to god can’t tell now how much of it was genuine. she was especially fond of using subtle blackmail in form of referring to her own feelings and how his actions will upset her, occasionally bursting into a loud tirade which was then quickly pushed to the side without any apologies for making him in turn upset so boy was always just on edge. this still happens but he pretty much only communicates with her through calls anymore so, Noeul just hangs up when she starts acting up. his dad was more the type to not involve himself into his hobbies and likes or anything at all he only cared about academic plans.

that all messed him up big time in his younger years bc he was inherently just very attached to everything and everyone but now.. it’s almost the complete opposite, enough repetition and shit will stick I guess cause he has next to no sentimental feelings towards anything, in turn actually loves travelling and meeting new people now. partially also cause he doesn’t feel obligated to uphold anything or allow himself being chained down, he treats everything like it’s fleeting, but not without care– don’t assume he doesn’t care when that’s something he does in abundance actually. he just.. accepts nothing lasts forever. ironic enough he’s adopted far too many of his parent’s habits to count now but has grown more tender with the experiences rather than cold. probably a miracle in itself. hella guarded about his feelings tho

so yeah he moved to LA ( parents were at the time both living in NYC ) for art school and got that bachelor of fine arts degree, graduating just spring last year and has no desire to further those studies cause screw school he’s done with institutions for a decade

also his parents filed for divorce while he was at it. before he was even done with freshman year. wasn’t all too surprising nor did he have anything to really say about it, except the times mom called him whilst drunk and essentially blamed it on him being a bad son :/// his dad’s fucked off somewhere he hasn’t heard whole lot from him in last three years beside birthday texts and money transfers to his bank account. and subtle messages through mom about how he expects him to clean up one of these days. meanwhile mom mostly contacts just to check he’s alive & doing well financially while slipping in vague ‘if you would have just listened to me‘s and ‘when will you come to your senses’s >_>

forgot to mention his dad’s a CEO of a small airline company. don’t ask me what his mom does idk prob some manager of a huge ass successful online shop?? something along those lines

will not speak about them if asked tbh don't expect anything other than "they're alive."

does not like announcing his ( their ) wealth to the world either and tries not to make decisions that could reflect that but something always has to give in the end. like he’s just way too happy to blow money on other people no matter how subtle he tries to be about it and often like his parents buys new stuff instead of finding ways to bring his old along, some of his clothes are also a dead giveaway it’s not so much that he specifically purchases anything cause it’s designer but if it looks nice he doesn’t see it as any different buying from any other store around. smells awfully lot like privilege but he’s unapologetic in getting exactly what he wants, it’s not his problem if someone takes offence to that

kind of also hates that he’s so dependant on parent’s money still but has made peace with it by giving away and works twice as hard for his own stuff, regardless if it yields anything cause he’s not doing this whole painting thing as a means to gain money ( would like to, but alas, it’s a tricky career path ) more from pure passion for the art

and noeul def is not gonna tell them to stop sending him cash he'll just have fun spending it in all the shit they'd hate-- even if they've basically set conditions but weird enough haven't cut him off yet.  guess that really is the only thing they can give him and they know it too :)) 

so. doesn’t actually like sitting idle even tho he all but could, yet cannot happily place himself in an establishment with very strict 9 to 5 shifts and such, so if and when he takes on extra work occasionally it’s always part-time, and for own personal gratification

in the case of him recently taking on a spot as a part-time barista here in acarike ( started like, two days ago or something ) was also bc of keeping up appearances ( surely he would run out of money eventually? no, but no one needs to know that ) and getting to know some of the people around since his group of road-tripping friends have seriously decided to settle in

if anyone was wondering yes he has experience working in cafes, among other places. his parents abhorred him taking on such jobs at all cause “what was the point? are we not providing enough?” first of all did he ask?

I guess he is currently residing in the stardust motel?? but is looking for a place

for him travelling in the past few years has been sorta cathartic, inspiring if I dare say both in personal growth and in his work since he can decide on everything by himself, where he wants to go, for how long, for why etc

sometimes likes when he has company for that, other times he just needs to make a trip in solitary. altogether prefers meeting random people along the way

is a kind of odd friend, loyal, compassionate and all that but puts himself before anyone else. or rather puts his emotional and other needs before everything else. if he feels you’re the one getting more out of it than he is it’s not worth it sorry. very generous tho and sees it as his duty to help others in any way if it doesn’t inconvenience him. not unreliable but available only when it suits him. so unless it’s life threatening or emotional distress he will not drop everything for even a friend’s sake you can wait an hour or two. can make friends as quick as he drops them

might get a little inappropriately affectionate with friends. especially so when intoxicated

is an even weirder lover. he loves the idea and feeling of being in love and the emotional thrill of it. relationships are fun yeah but commitment?? not in his. vocabulary. to elaborate he lives for the push and pull and the suspense of it all and needs things to stay stimulating on all levels across the board when deepening relationships further while also being able to maintain a sense of own freedom. he craves the sort of emotional security and gratification it all brings but refuses to become dependant on it ( he knows how that will go ), furthermore does not like all the limitations it brings nor everything being perfect to the point of feeling fake??

tries to make it clear that he’s NOT looking for anything long term but even then people haven’t taken it well when he out of the blue announces they should stop whatever it is they’re doing. he always feels bad about it and tries to part in good terms but yeah :// many hearts have been broken. it’s probably even worse for the other person cause Noeul himself seems to have absolutely no problem continuing his life like nothing happened. all this has made him into a bit of a serial dater??

in whole he takes everything as they are, nothing is everlasting and he doesn’t try to make it so, doesn’t necessarily want to. values experiences but doesn’t get too hung up on letting go of them. including relationships. this is something a lot of people in his life wont understand and it’s frustrating for everyone involved sometimes but you gotta do what you gotta do. might be scared of opening up to people. of that attachment. maybe he’s actually just picky and is waiting for something out of the world magical who knows

repels all negativity as if his life depended on it like. add begone thot meme here

but can also be very confrontational so???

is actually in constant war with himself over positive and negative emotions but filters that out pretty handily. most of the time. cause uh absolutely will turn vicious and loud when angry. sensitive to criticism and personal attacks but gets over it quick enough. does hold grudges but mainly towards people whose opinion he cares about. strangers rarely phase him. has random emotion™ bursts but tbh only cries when being shouted at and/or being target of someone’s wrath-- OR when noeul's angry himself?? also lowkey dramatic but most of the time he’s just sorta chill and cheery, occasionally sarcastic but in a good-natured way he doesn’t mean ill with it. has very strong opinions on some things but doesn’t care if someone else sees it differently. as long as they’re not saying their way is the only right way. or if their reasoning is utter bullshit which he will call out then :))

negative people just make him laugh. will not take your ass seriously at all if you’re being a douche. used to take offence to these kinds of people all the time but he’s grown out of it and learned to simply ignore people who don’t deserve the time of his day. at least outwardly.

similarly used to be very.. well. lets say prone to letting people control and push him around cause that’s what he had learned to accept but whoo boy when he finally figured it out and took the reigns into own hands no one could stop him try it bitch

likes doing things in own terms in general, need for control has kinda taken off so will not take kindly to being ordered around in any manner. tries not to impose on other people or be pushy himself but cannot stand indecisiveness so. it happens. for better or for worse

in tune with his surroundings and current community of people if something’s off he can sense it and it will bug him to no end before it’s fixed. this could be anything from his room being in disarray to something going on in the city in whole

I ain’t saying he’s a psychic but actually stupid intuitive most cases WILL see through your bullshit don’t even try

…ok but lowkey into supernatural stuff and spirituality all that jazz he’s gone through it all while trying to find himself– which is a whole another can of worms we ain’t opening here

did I forget to mention noeul and co ( minho & jae ) rolled into town in this shiny big rv. he's def looking to buy a smaller car to drive around

not too keen on giving rides to strangers since this one time two summers ago that went south real fast when a guy pulled a knife on him. has a pretty big scar to show for it on his right side? tummy?? there’s a pic in the profile page if you’re curious. he jokes about it now "it adds character" but is actually terrified of that happening again so perpetually jumpy minho blames himself for it cause he's dumb

you can prob hear him coming 5 miles away with the amount of jewellery he adorns

don’t get me started on his wardrobe it’s a mixed bag and then some. gender norms belong into the fiery pits of a volcano

is equal parts a tea & coffee enthusiast basically lives off that stuff. i'm probably not even exaggerating here boy forgets to eat when he gets focused on something and just wolfs down a pot of coffee.

obsessed with watermelon flavoured lollipops probably has one on him at all times somehow magically pulls them outta thin air??

you can prob find him painting outside in the randomest places when the weather's nice

likes painting on people probably as much as painting them

it’s not an intimacy thing I swear. but. can be?? probably accidentally turns that way that’s just how he is

prefers either to focus on faces ( eyes specifically ) or nude models in general fcking @ him

this. is so long already I’m sorry omg

and that’s all I got my brains’ fried over this all but yo come plot with me pls also check my plots maybe orrr if you want me to check your plots ( I’d love to!! ) come poke me ay ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[spectrumscribe]

hey idk if u take requests but i freaking loooove your writing and when i was scrolling through your blog the other day i saw ur marvel/avengers au and i was wondering if you could write a ficlet for it maybe????? once again, i enjoy ur writing so much, keep doing what you're doing

*softly screams bc someone remembers this AU still*

AU info here i guess??? can’t believe anyone wanted more of it. under the cut bc it ended up longer than the other ficlets, ‘cause i love this au a lot actually.

“What’s ‘valentine’s day’?”

Hank looks up from the papers he’s grading. Or rather, looksdown from them, since he’s clinging to the ceiling of his lab with his feet.

Below him sits one of his more devoted pupils, if an unofficialone since he’s so young. Previously quietly occupied with the tablet he’dconnected himself with, now looking up with cautiously questioning eyes. Donnietilts the tablet’s screen towards Hank, and a notification about the school’s Valentine’sDay dance is shown on it.

“It’s a holiday,” Hank informs the adolescent mutant. Technicalmutant. A mutant created rather than born still counts, in his opinion. “Tocelebrate love. With chocolates and flowers, and occasionally stuffed animals. Thoughoriginally, it was called Saint Valentine’s or the Feast of Saint Valentine.”

“Oh,” Donnie says quietly. He worries his lip for a moment,and then asks, “Who’s that?”

“A symbolic figure in the culture of a church.”

“Why’re they so important they got a whole day tothemselves?”

Hank hums. “That question I cannot answer, it would bebetter asked of Mr. Wagner.”

“Oh… okay.”

Hank watches the boy go back to scrolling through his tablet’snewsfeed, and sees a question being unasked in the fidgeting of his posture. Hank really should focus ongrading his advanced technological studies class’s theory papers, but Donnie’scuriosity shouldn’t be allowed to discourage his own curiosity like so. They’vecome so far with his anxiety management and helping him branch out socially.

Hank climbs carefully along the ceiling and drops down farenough away from his student Donnie won’t startle. Hank goes to kneel in frontof the adolescent mutant, making sure to be slow and obvious with hismovements.

“Do you have any more questions, Donnie?” Hank promptsgently.

Donnie’s red eyes under his thick fringe of black bangs dartup from his tablet, and then back down to it. After a moment’s hesitation, hepulls out the jack plugged into his neck and the tablet and hands it over. Hanktakes it, examining the Google images search for Valentine’s Day people.

“Why are they all doing that?” Donnie asks, a littlenervously.

“Kissing?” Hank questions, scrolling through the search withone clawed finger.

“Yes, that. Is it… a holiday you’re supposed to kisssomeone?” Donnie doesn’t look comfortable with the idea of that, at all.

Hank laughs kindly, returning the tablet to the boy. “No, it’sjust something lots of people do on the day. Mostly people who are dating oneanother, or are married. You don’t have to kiss anyone if you don’t want to, Donnie.”

“Um, okay. Good,” he mumbles, clutching the tablet tohimself. “So it’s a holiday about a saint that’s important for some reason, andpeople kiss a lot on it…” He purses his lips. “And that’s it?”

“Well, it’s a time to celebrate how much you love anyone inyour life,” Hank explains. “Not just people you’re dating, but people you’rerelated to, or are just friends with. I and my colleagues will be having ateachers only party tonight, because we’re all very good friends.”

“Principal Wolverine kisses Ms. Storm sometimes, though,” Donniepoints out. Hank bites back a chuckle about his old friends not being quite assubtle as they think they are.

“Yes, they sometimes do that, don’t they?” Hank says, amusedthat Donnie, and likely his brothers too, have already found out thatparticular secret. Donnie nods jerkily.

“We saw them on the roof just last week!” Donnie says, thendropping his voice in a whisper. “They were moving around weirdly, really closetogether and stuff.”

Hank laughs awkwardly, and vows to give his fellowseducators a little talk about intimate meetups on school grounds.

“Yes, uh, anyway,” Hank moves things along quickly. “It can be a kissing holiday, but really youcan celebrate with anyone you care about. Do you have someone you’d like tocelebrate today with, Donnie? A friend, your family…?”

“…my brothers? And April and Casey?” Donnie suggeststentatively, searching Hank’s face to see if he’s gotten something wrong. Hanksmiles encouragingly, and pats his pupil’s shoulder.

“Sharing Valentine ’s Day with your friends and familysounds like an excellent plan, my boy,” Hank enthuses gently. “Why don’t you gotalk to Ms. Pryde? Kitty is handling the refreshments for the dance today, I’msure she’ll have extra candies for you all. Or will you be attending, too?”

Donnie bites his lip, letting little electric sparks flyaround his shoulders. “It’s the whole school, right? That’s… a lot of people. Imean, I could, if I- if we need to be there-”

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, Donnie,” Hankreminds. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to anymore, remember?”

“Right, I know, I know,” Donnie mumbles. He fidgets a littleas Hank continues to look at him, and Hank decides it’s time to give his studentspace once again. As he returns to his work of grading papers, he hears faintfootsteps dart out of the lab while his back is turned. Hank pretends he doesn’tnotice, and smiles to himself.

—

Donnie does not goto the dance, even though Ms. Pryde says it could be fun. None of his siblingsgo either, or April, or even Casey, even though their normal human friendglances at the semi-decorated room with vague interest. In the end, they justget candies and go hide away.

“What a great holiday,” Mikey remarks to Donnie later on,while they’re all sprawled in their shared room and enjoying their treats. “Awhole day for candies? Love it.”

“And kissing,” Raph reminds as he tears open a new chocolatewrapper. He pops the little candy into his mouth and speaks while he chews. “Whichis gross, ugh. Why do they even?”

“It’s a normal people thing, I guess?” Leo offers as anexplanation. He steals Raph’s next treat before he can eat it, starting a shortwrestle fight between them on the floor.

“Candy’s good by me,” April says, taking from the bowl ofcrunchy pastel candies in Donnie’s lap. “Dancing and kissing and stuff sounds…too touchy feely. And with people you don’t know? Weird.”

“You guys are the weird ones,” Casey says, tossing an emptywrapper at Mikey’s overgrown buzz cut and smirking when it sticks. “Everyone atmy old school was totally obsessed with this stuff.”

“Ew,” remarks Donnieand his brothers, as well as April.

Casey shrugs, and reaches for another of the candies Ms.Pryde gave them. “It’s not so bad. I think. Never actually kissed anyone who I wasn’trelated to…”

“Pass,” April says, echoed by everyone else. Casey rolls hiseyes at them.

“I wasn’t askin’you guys to. That’d be weird.”

“Weirder than us in general?” Donnie questions.

“Uh, yeah? Definitely. You’re not even that weird. There’s aguy here who’s from space, and he’s analien prince! He punches through walls and stuff, ‘s totally metal.”

“Didn’t he also get himself stuck in a wall last month?” Mikey asks. He gestures with stickyfingers. “Like, he was going wooshthrough the air, and then there was awall suddenly ‘cause the Danger Room decided there’d be, and then wham he’s in it ‘cause he couldn’t slowdown? Lame.”

“He’s still cool,shut up.”

“I’m faster than him, andI wouldn’t get stuck in a wall,” Leo says proudly, finally getting free of Raph’sstranglehold on him.

“Maybe, but then you’d faint somewhere ‘cause you overdidyourself,” Raph says snidely. Leo elbows him in the ribs.

“Almost out of the crunchy ones,” Donnie says, holding upthe plastic container of inaccurately shaped candy hearts. “Who wants some?”

“Me,” is thechorused response, and a shove fight for the last pastel candies ensues.

[harperonni]

OFF oc 1/3: Orva

eyYYYYYYYY okie so I caved and went overboard aaaaaaa I have two other lill babs i’ll share in a while but I spent a lot of time on Orva just bc she’s the one i’ve developed the most at the moment so eyyyyy

A super special thank you to @canadian-hufflepuff, @hungry-joe and @brosif40 for the encouragement to share my oc’s, it means a lot to me, thank you all so,so sO much!!! Not a ton of info, but if you guys are curious, please don’t be afraid to ask about her aaa Orva is a technician/medic of sorts, mostly builds and repairs machinery when required, or doing odd jobs wherever. She has a... very messy sleep schedule. Works mostly through the night when she feels most awake, and ends up tired throughout the day. Pretty chill though, It’s actually hard to annoy her. She mostly works with Dedan and Elsen so that’s usually beneficial. Not really medically trained, but she’s patched herself up a lot after accidents involving fires, blades and a few spectre run ins.  She is a lill deer based as well. (tbh they all had different designs but then i did them human and part-human and i just liked it a lot better aaaaa) Her horns can redact, to her convenience, and she does have a more monstrous form, so to speak. She’s not an incredibly violent person though, so she doesn’t usually shift into it.  While she doesn’t care too much about her burns it would be best not to stare or draw too much attention to it. She doesn’t need to be reminded it’s there buddy, she knows. She forgets too watch stuff sometimes, and most of her bruises and such are her own fault.

and ye I have shipped her with someone bc i’m trash Hint: mr. teeth shouty bosss man aaaaaaaaaaa Might draw more of her if anyone requests or asks, or if i think of anything eyyy Hope you guys like it, and thank you all so much!! Hopefully i’ll upload the other two anf their lill profiles at some point idk

[hwngjh-blog]

hello i’m tae and this is my annoying son jaehyun who i literally birthed ?? pls love him and don’t be too mean to him even though he can be pretty mean himself. i’m in gmt+1 timezone and i love suffering & angst? i especially love it when my muse is suffering more than i am so pls hmu with those angsty plots. i haven’t been on tumblr rp for the majority of this year so pls be patient with me while i get back into the swing of things, i’m also not so good at talking about myself ooc so i’m gonna go ahead and jump into info about jae!! under the cut is just some basic outline info of his personality... full stats and some plots/potential connections will be added up shortly too. thnx for listening 

hwang jaehyun, 23, concept artist and ugly fucking aquarius 

(he doesn’t really have a hugely tragic background besides his parents being majorly ugly)

pls dont try to talk to him about your feelings just yet unless you want him to run away. 

he struggles w/ his own emotions and can’t really handle listening to other peoples feelings bc who signed up for that? probably not jaehyun

pretty untrusting and unwilling about allowing people too close to him, i’d imagine he has some close friends but it might be difficult for new ones to get super close to him without a lot of effort on their part and proving to him that they won’t just abandon him and his friendship?? #trustissues

once you get him talking, he’ll never stop, especially if it’s about a topic he’s really interested in or feels passionately about. 

works as a concept artist so most of his work is digital art atm but does a lot of freelance & commission work on the side. Knows he’s a good artist and doesn’t fuck w/ pretending to be modest about his work. dabbles in sculpting and legit painting, too but that’s mostly for freelance and commission work

pretty judgemental and finds it hard to accept that he could be wrong about something, kinda dogmatic if i’m being honest but if he likes you then he’s more willing to let it go and admit he was wrong. tho if you disagree with him about something he really thinks he’s right about or is passionate about then you can expect to see steam coming from his ears within 0.01 seconds since he gets mad pretty quickly.

generally quick to annoy but he does his best at hiding it? which brings me to the point that he usually wears his heart on his sleeve w/ people he’s comfortable with. 

i guess if he likes you, not romantically but just in general, then he’s just soft as fuck

his family is wealthy upper class, living and working in seoul. they own a big chain pharmaceutical company and they wanted him to take over once his father retired, which he was originally going to do, he studied business in college for about a year before realising it made him fucking miserable and stressed and dropped out without consulting his parents.

lied about still being enrolled while actually enrolling in an arts program. originally found his passion for art during high school, where he joined an after class art club and excelled straight away. he told his parents about it but they never really took it seriously?? he even invited them to one of the schools art exhibitions but they never turned up.

this all caused them to essentially cut him off and refused to talk to him for a few years. they tried to reconnect w/ him and attempt contact with him but he rejects their calls, dodges them if they tried to visit and doesn’t visit them during the holidays or special occasions. 

he has three younger sisters who he’s still in contact with though, it’s mainly his parents he wants to avoid. his fathers health is rapidly deteriorating and he’s starting to feel badly about not being in contact w/ them but *shrug* he hates them so it’s not really his issue anymore, right? 

there’s a lot more angsty shit to his background but i’m not going to detail it here because it’s not info that jaehyun would just tell anyone, he’s pretty secretive about his past (for literally no damn reason) and only talks about it if he really needs to. you’ll have to get to know him to find out or wait for his full length history :3 

moved to jeju to get some peace and quiet so he could work without too many stresses in his life tho *idk if thats going well for him or not* (give me a roommate plot??) 

literally stays up all night long watching vine compilations and furiously playing uno on his phone instead of working (this is legit information pls take it seriously) 

obviously a night owl and lives on 50 cups of coffee a day. also constantly has a bad back from being hunched over his desk 24/7

loves having a muse and someone who inspires him?? he might not be painting portraits of them all over his apartment but he def would incorporate parts of them into his character designs or just create art in general that reminds him of them

also literally tries his hardest to convince people he just doesn’t care about anything or anyone??? and u know what, sometimes he actually doesn’t care but he says it so often that it’s hard to tell when he’s being truthful about it, even he can struggle to tell at this point.

he’s very spontaneous?? moving to jeju was just a sudden decision on his part and he doesn’t really consult other people before doing stuff? he just does it and then if it goes wrong or he has to suffer consequences then ig he’ll suffer

kinda apathetic and uncaring, honestly. he doesn’t have much patience for people being idiotic and doesn’t necessarily always feel bad about doing or saying something that might hurt other people. 

tho if he likes you (yes this again) he’ll probably feel bad straight away but that doesn’t mean you can expect an apology from him

if you really hurt him, he’ll probably give you another chance because he just really can’t stand the idea of being alone??? tho he won’t ever forget what you did to hurt him

i’m tired now so i’m going back to sleep but jaehyun is just a hard shell w/ a semi soft inside (i say semi soft because there’s still some push and pull even if he opens up) who needs to be loved so pls.... 

anyway that’s it i’m going back to bed now. my plots will be up soon but pls feel free to msg/im me for plotting/connections!!! 

[ethrcal-blog]

heyooo i’m manu and i’m 18 and imma be real honest with you guys all my characters are trash and they are all true honest messes but i premisse to do better in the future so i think that should count for something. this post got long af bc i have 0 self control, and after i started talking about them i just wanted to lay out all the important info about them, buuuuuut if you are reading this we should highkey plot (i got some possible connections here but like if you come to me we can talk about something different or something more specific to your character ja feel?). fair warning tho there is some triggering content on my chars backstories so i put triggers related to the character before their facts.

JOÃO VICENTE DE CASTRO, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met william rafael carvalho da fonseca yet ? the thirty one year old is known for being both enthusiastic and creative, but also very confrontational and reckless. born in são paulo, brazil, liam now lives in southwark, as a reporter.

tw: emotional abuse, substance abuse

R A N D O M   F A C T S + H I S T O R Y ; ;

hates figures of authority

liam does shit just because he thinks it’s funny to aggravate people

he will fight anyone and anything at anytime

besides that tho he is really fun guy and most of the time he’ll just try to be nice and have fun with people and make jokes.

he is the kind of person that takes jokes way too far

would 100% fill your house with balloons for a prank

can play the guitar really well but only really plays wonderwall cause he knows people hate it

his family is really rich. he works and he does his own thing totally unrelated to the family business but he highkey lives knowing that if he ever needs anything he can just call up his parents and it will get done.

he lives in an apartment that his mother bought him as a birthday gift.

his father is from brazil and his mother is from london.

he has two younger siblings a sister and a brother

he was born in brazil. when he was younger his parents were married and he stayed around there for most of his younger life

his father wasn’t the best person to be around tho he was really demanding and he was constantly belittling and putting him down bc liam failed to live up to his expectations. 

liam’s mother never really did anything when his father was around but she would sometimes come to his aid after the damaged had already been done and give him stuff as if that could solve the whole issue.

his parents got divorced when he was fifteen. his mother moved back to the uk but stayed in brazil with his siblings.

after that he would go back and forth between brazil and the uk to spend time with his parents but he finished high school still in brazil.

his father wanted him to take over the family business and be someone liam most definitely wasn’t. liam still tried and he went to college for a few months but one day he got home drunk and his father started screaming @ him about how terrible of son he was so he was pretty much done. the next morning he packed up his stuff and moved in with a friend until his mother bought him a ticket to fly to the uk

after that he moved to london and he’s been in london ever since.

he pretty much went to college to become a journalist just to spite his father

he drinks way too much but he also smokes weed and he does cocaine sometimes

he legitimately cannot stand being bored or staying still for a while so he’ll figure something to entertain himself at all times even if it is extremely dangerous or downright stupid

he doesn’t have that great of a self-steem. lots of the stuff his father said still resonates with him and even tho liam avoids thinking about it most of the time he still feels bad for not becoming who his father wanted him to be, and not taking over the family business

P L A Y L I S T ;;

g-eazy - sober ft. charlie puth

g-eazy & halsey - him & I

the weeknd - dark times ft. ed sheeran

blackbear - idfc

blackbear - do re mi

post malone - rockstar ft. 21 savage

eden - drugs

P O S S I B L E   C O N N E C T I O N S ;;

His siblings bc i’m out here for the family drama honestly. maybe one of his siblings took over the family business and that could aspire some drama bc it could been sort of like a betrayal? or maybe something happened in brazil and they moved to london to stay with him for a while bc reasons and liam thinks he has to be the responsible bigger brother but he is him so that is a problem.

one ex bc why not? and maybe it all ended really terribly bc they were always worried about the kind of stuff he was going to pull next in order to entertain himself. maybe he did something really stupid that put his life in danger and that was how it all ended

maybe someone who goes along with all of his stuff and they both have fun and do stupid shit together but maybe idk they just keep raising the stakes and it’s the type of thing that (if no one stops them or none of them stop to be the voice of reason) they’ll end up in las vegas getting married bc they had a bet that the other wouldn’t get married with a stranger

FRANÇOIS ARNAUD, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met octavianus bruno gentille yet? the thirty five year old is known for being both loyal and optimistic, but also very unfocused and self indulgent. born in venice, bruno now lives in westminster, as a art history college professor.

R A N D O M   F A C T S + H I S T O R Y ; ;

his name is octavianus but he legit thinks that is the dumbest name in the face of existence so he’ll usually go by bruno, his middle name. the only people who know his actual name are his family or people who have seen his id. if you want to annoy him just call him ‘octavianus bruno’ and watch him go from 0 to 100 real quick

legit the best out of all my children which doesn’t say much but still

he loves the idea of love, and the idea of falling head over hills and not really thinking straight only thinking about the other person. and he thinks romantic love is the most important thing someone can have in their life.

he gets himself to fall in love with people and then jumps head first into things, and he turns thing that could be really easy and make it complicated.

he is super loyal to his friends.

he would take a bullet for any of his friends

but he is legit very self involved and self focused he thinks of himself as this great person who is out to help others but he won’t take advice from anyone and he is solely focused on his romantic life + his feelings

besides that tho he is honestly trying which is more than you can say for any of my muses

he is really optimistic and revolutionary and thinks people are supposed to protest and fight for what they think is right and then they’ll turn the world into a better place.

he thinks that if you talk it out you can solve any problem

will not fight anyone tho no matter the circumstances

he is really a huge pacifist who thinks peaceful protest is the best way to get people’s attention

he wants everyone in the world to be happy and have equal opportunities and for everything to be great

he loves art more than anything else

he is the kind of person that starts five projects at the same time and ends up not finishing any of them.

the kind of dude you’ll ask ‘what’s your opinion on cookies?’ and he’ll legit talk for an hour if you don’t stop him.

bruno was born in october 15, 1982 in Venice, Italy.

his father was originally italian, his mother from london.

he spent his early childhood with both his parents in italy, but when he turned five, his parents got divorced and he moved back to the uk. with his mother.

his father stayed back in italy.

he used to come by and visit every so often. once a year his mother sent him spent winter break or summer vacation with his father in italy.

his father used to tell him stories about how he loved his mother and about how ‘he would give her the world if he had been given a chance’ and that created an idea in bruno’s mind about how there are soulmates and perfect relationships out there and now he is constantly chasing it 

but since no relationship is ever perfect his relationships will usually end bc of that

he is really extra about everything honestly especially love

P L A Y  L I S T ; ;

dive - ed sheeran

all i ask - adele

coaster - khalid

P O S S I B L E   C O N N E C T I O N S ;;

Maybe an ex that he wronged, someone that love him or they loved each other but it all ended bc bruno has no idea what a real relationship is and he can’t be an adult about his relationships.

Imma be real shitty for a second here but maybe some teacher student type of thing because if this asshole would romanticize something it would be some type of star crossed love relationship

maybe some nice and pure platonic relationship maybe like someone he is teaching art to or just someone who admires art and he is trying to be a good person and he is out there giving them advice and helping them out without asking for anything in return and maybe this person can call him out of his bullshit and they can have some sort of sibling relationship

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met michael john baxter yet ? the forty five year old is known for being both caring and charismatic, but also very unfaithful and selfish. born in london, mike now lives in southwark, as a coffee shop owner.

tw: cheating

R A N D O M   F A C T S + H I S T O R Y ; ;

michael sucks honestly 10/10 would not recommend but i love trash so here we are

he is irredeemable, don’t @ me

swear way too much

he wears leather jackets because he thinks he is cool

he is an idiot honestly

he thinks he is funny and he laughs at his own jokes

mostly only really cares about himself and it’s not that he is trying to be an asshole or anything but he’ll legit do shit and after he already shit the bad he’ll be like ‘oh riight that was bad’

he is an asshole but lowkey does not want to be one

he was married for many years and he and his wife had a daughter and things were all fine and dandy but this asshole has no self control and he cheated on his wife a few times,,, she found out and they tried to make things work for a while but he did again and then she throw him out

he lowkey hates himself for destroying his marriage but he isn’t really doing anything to be a better person so here we are

his family used to be very poor and he worked his ass off for everything he’s ever had and he is really really proud of that

he put himself through college by working two jobs and legit the only thing he can commit to are his professional aspirations.

after college he started working for other people even tho that wasn’t really why he went to business school and he saved every single dime until he was able to open up his own business

he started his career opening up night clubs and he had three pretty successful ones when his marriage fell apart

he is really charismatic tho and he’s always trying to make people laugh and trying to entertain people. he legit finds joy and making others happy and excited and that was why he excelled at his business bc he just was constantly making sure the place he was running was a place he would love to go, and a place he knew people legit have fun in.

after his marriage fell apart tho he sold all off them and tried to retire for a while and try to work on being a better person

he couldn’t stand not having a job and not working tho so he opened up a small coffee shop bc it was supposed to be something small he knew he could handle without working as much as he used to

he can be either really chill and sit down and talk about life and give you legit good advice that he totally wouldn’t follow if he was in the same situation or really wild and be the type of person that goes ‘do you wanna break something?’ depending on who’s with him.

he’ll literally go along with any idea you have.

P L A Y L I S T ; ;

ain’t no rest for the wicked - cage the elephant

animals - cage the elephant

hate to say i told you so - the hives

P O S S I B L E   C O N N E C T I O N S ;;

his daughter cause legit i would love to play out this dynamics and see where we could take it? like it could be interesting bc he loves her, but the cheating could have affected the girl and the girl’s life in some way? or maybe it affected how she sees him and it could be some broken relationship or idk angst honestly whatever you have in mind

his ex-wife and idk my fella it could be like some one sided sort of thing where he stills loves her but he is still him aka an asshole? maybe she loves him too but she knows being with him is Not Great? imagine them trying to get back together but how can you trust someone after that type of thing and he is Legit Trying but it doesn’t seem to matter anymore? Imagine arguments and loving someone who is terrible, and throwing blame back and forth ( i put an ex connection in literally every character so far fjaslfj i’m sorry )

JAKE GYLLENHAAL, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met thomas edmund faraday yet? the thirty six year old is known for being both honest and warmhearted, but also very demanding and proud. born in london, thomas now lives in kensington and chelsea, as a theoretical physicist and college professor.

tw: child neglect, drunk driving, death,

R A N D O M   F A C T S + H I S T O R Y ; ;

he was born in a super rich family extremely loaded for generations type of thing

doesn’t know the real value of stuff honestly you could tell him that a cartoon of milk costs 50 bucks and he would believe you.

a heart of gold but also the type of asshole that will argue with you for hours (even if you are done with the argument) just to convince you you are wrong and he is right

honestly stale cinnamon roll been in this world too long too cynical

he went to a boarding private school when he was young, his parents honestly could not give less of shit about him. they were both really young and rich and wanted to enjoy life, so they would often ship thomas off to whatever they could find eg,: boarding school, summer camp, whatever kind of different program they would find

it wasn’t that they didn’t love him, but he would often get in the way of their plans. and they really just weren’t the best parents in town

thomas grew up always dreaming about having a real loving family like the ones in sitcoms and movies and that was his dream for most of his life

he was also highkey biggest nerd in the face of earth who loved star wars and star trek especially star trek because he fell in love with star trek the next generation and science fiction. 

that was when he discovered his love for science.

he went to college and that when he met his wife and thomas was well on his way to make his dream come true

he and his wife got married, had a son, moved to his family’s house in kensington and chelsea and things were great and beautiful

things continued to advance in his career, thomas managed to work with what he wanted.

expect one day his wife and his son were both going back home after she’d picked him up from middle school and a drunk driver hit their car. 

both his wife and his son died in a car accident and he highkey hasn’t been able to actually connect with anyone ever since. 

he threw himself in his job after that and focused solely on his career

knows his family is gone but would never consider moving on bc that for him would be the same as forgetting them

highkey just wants love and a family and someone to care for that cares about him but is too terrified to put himself out there to loose the people he loves again.

P L A Y L I S T ; ;

white lie - the lumineers

little lion man - mumfords & sons

P O S S I B L E   C O N N E C T I O N S ;;

something pure and fine where they slowly build trust and everything is fine?? no angst just love. this is lazy i know but love~ that’s all i want for him

JON BERNTHAL, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met matthew nathaniel decker yet? the forty one year old is known for being both determined and caring, but also very sttuborn and blunt. born in austin, texas, matteo now lives in tower hamlets, as a criminal.

tw: war, death mention, violence

R A N D O M   F A C T S + H I S T O R Y ; ;

the king of grumpiness honestly

annoyed 24/7

i know this meme is dead but honestly ‘looks like could kill you and could actually kill you’

once you are his friend he’ll protect you and love you and respect you

but also grunts about not functioning properly before a cup of black coffee

doesn’t know how to talk to people and be a nice enough human being and he’ll just say the shit that goes through his mind without realizing that he might sound rude.

he was born in a highkey patriotic family in austin texas

the army part of his backstory is pretty similar to frank castle’s in the comics ‘born’ which is also kinda like the punisher’s series but better bc i am petty and i don’t like the show

the first thing he did after turning eighteen was enlist himself in the army.

at first it was about doing his duty as an american and about fighting for the freedom of everybody around him 

and then he just kept going back again and again bc he had become a soldier and he didn’t know what else he could do besides that

after that it was more about doing the only thing he thought he could do

cut to many years later and he became a coronel in the army

in one of the missions tho lots of shit happened most of friends died, he hadn’t believe in the war he had been fighting for a while but this time he had seen enough

i legit love writing about his time in the army so if you feel like reading extra shit for no reason here some links to old drabbles i wrote (x), (x). it’s the same info you got here but a little more in depth to specific moments

after that matteo went back home to the us but he couldn’t quite land a job for a long time. he knew how to follow orders but he was terrible at dealing with people and his formal education had pretty much stopped at the age of eighteen. 

he tried for a while to get a formal job but none of them ever lasted long until one day one guy he knew from the army got him a gig as a guy’s bodyguard, unbeknownst to him he was protecting some very important guy from a gang

it took him a while to realize it, but after that, he continued to do it, bc he needed the money, 

after a while matteo didn’t even mind that the money was dirty anymore

the guy started asking him to get some stuff done. sometimes beating up some people, sometimes scaring people. he used to say it was fine bc he was never really doing anything to anyone that didn’t deserve

until one the guy asked him to kill someone, that was pretty much the line for matteo. that day he acted as if he was going to get it done, and he stole some lots of the guy’s money ( at least the portion he had access to in his office ) and matt ran off to the uk to run away from all of that.

he’s been living around london now and he deals drugs every so often

and he isn’t really feeling That Great about who he is right now and he legit regrets most of life choices but he feels like there is nothing he can do at this point

P L A Y L I S T ; ;

beat the devil’s tattoo - black rebel motorcycle club

arsonist’s lullabye - hozier

god’s gonna cut you down - johnny cash

P O S S I B L E   C O N N E C T I O N S ;;

mAYbe high school a sweetheart or high school friend? someone who knew him before he became who he is today (someone who knew him for being nice and fun and a pretty chill kid who just wanted to protect his country) and like this person could remind him of who he was and who he wants to be and he could also remind them of the past and it could be cute but also maybe angst idk

[cosmicmoved]

𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐃'𝐒 𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐒 (𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢)

initial disclaimer that shipping is really not a super high priority for me --- i think it’s fun and i enjoy it decently enough --- and i’d be perfectly happy just to develop platonic bonds for most of my muses! i’d never push a ship on anybody! feel free to ignore this post if you’re not interested in keeping this info in mind. i’m really just posting this because i feel like i need to keep track of it. maybe some stuff written here will change. that’s the fun of character development! sorry if this is kind of a confusing and pointless post overall ASDSDFGHGFD (also i’m totally willing to write short-term ships where the characters eventually break up bc that’s just how life is & i’m also chill with plotlines that involve our muses being exes or smth?)

ANYWAY, this is mostly just in order of how they appear on my muses page. All muses are multiship unless I say otherwise. Also I don’t really like writing age gaps so, unless I say otherwise, I probably won’t write a ship with a gap bigger than like 3 or 4 years (so long as the other character is at least 20).

AKIMOTO MIO Mio would probably be the most straightforward of them all. She’s a total romantic and she LOVES love. Mio is a lesbian and, naturally, will ONLY date women. She doesn’t really think of herself as having a ‘type’ but she likes cool women. The definition of cool here is pretty broad but she’d like someone who seems like they could sweep her off her feet. She’s really into that idea of living life like a romance drama. She doesn’t mind if you’re a little aloof, even finds it a little attractive. There’s an intimacy in watching someone open up to you. Her biggest turn-off is a mean spirit.

TOMO KATSUMURA This probably needs its own in-depth post lmao...Tomo doesn’t date because he has serious hangups about it so it’d definitely need to be a bit of a slowburn (either he falls for a friend & or he falls for someone he’s been shagging). It’s just a very confusing area for him and he’s scared of heartbreak? But he’s also the type to fall HARD for someone when he does fall. Uhhhh, just read this post & all the tags so I don’t have to repeat myself rip!! He’s bi w/an overall masc preference. This is not public knowledge.

BAEK SUMI I actually haven’t really thought this one through. I guess shipping isn’t a huge concern for me with Sumi so I’ll say...if it happens, it happens! She’s got a flirty personality in general so please don’t mistake that for me trying to push a ship. If she feels like telling your muse they’re pretty, she will but that doesn’t mean she’s at all interested. However, she’s also the type to take initiative, I think! If she’s interested in someone, she’ll probably tell them but she won’t get too upset if it’s one-sided.

KIM MINWOO Minwoo is a little inconsistent, I guess. He dates people, he’ll sleep with people, but he has a hard time keeping things going very long. It’s sort of like he gets pulled in by the initial spark and then things fizzle out pretty quick, mostly because he doesn’t know what he’s really looking for. And that’s okay, it’s not a huge concern for him. Essentially, he doesn’t have the time to date properly and, if he was dating someone, they’d have to be understanding of his schedule being an Awful Fucking Hellzone. In any case, he does this shit because it’s the normal thing to do. He hasn’t really felt that emotionally invested. Maybe shipping with Min would be tricky because he has that wall up and he probably seems a little distant so, for that reason, he’d probably be better of with someone he knew beforehand. At least he’d care less about keeping up appearances. Also he’s bi. Slight preference for girls. This, like with Tomo, is not public knowledge.

HOSHINO RIKA I think this would have to be a natural development kind of deal. I can’t see myself agreeing to a ship with Rika based on nothing and going from there. It would have to be with a character she already knew, based on how they got on in existing threads. Rika’s very shy and there’s absolutely no chance of her dating someone unless she was used to them. You have to be a kind person!! Fun and lively but maybe in a gentle way! A romance that feels...warm like a sunset...full of reassurance! She’d probably like someone ‘braver’ than her, someone more confident and outgoing but wouldn’t force her to keep up with their pace. She’s bi without any particular preference. Ideally someone who wouldn’t be weirded about by the witch thing but also someone who isn’t bothered by her not having realised she was a witch until later on.

ACE KWONG With all due respect, I don’t want to ship this guy with anyone lmao? Ace isn’t like...evil...he’s not a villain but also...he’s just not really a character I want to ship off with anyone. He’s not a romantic character and tbh he’s kind of a jerk and a...little unhinged. I cannot see him maintaining a healthy romantic relationship.

JUN Annoying. ADFGHJHGFDFGHGFDH I haven’t actually written Jun properly in like....2 or 3 years so I’m not really thinking about this right now. What I WILL say, however, is that Jun is a shameless flirt. Not necessarily a good one but a shameless one for sure. He’ll hit on pretty girls and it’ll be awful. This is NOT me pushing a ship, PLEASE have your muse tell him where he can shove it.

KOJI KITAHARA, SEUNGJAE AHN, JISOO HADEN These three are kept off the table because I’ve already got in-process ship plotlines happening for them. Seungjae’s applies to his FFVIII verse plotline so idk about his main/modern verse but I’m not really interested in doing anything there right now. I’m quite happy to keep these two with what they’ve got.

[kaviinskys-blog]

ヾ(＾∇＾) hey !! yeaaaaaaaaaaa it’s nico  (◕‿◕✿) i dumped lorcan & now here we are. if u dont know me i use they/them pronouns, live in the est timezone, & i’m 18. click the read more for info about my chara blah blah blah boring boring boring. take a shot everytime i say anyway or blah. i’ll message u for plots & stuff if u like this or something idkidk

that’s not DANE DEHAAN walking around?? nah, but ZACHARY KAVINSKY gets that all the time. HE’S actually from NEW YORK CITY, though they live in THE GASLAMP DISTRICT now.  you’ve probably heard that 22 year old CASHIER of THE DISNEY STORE being referred to as the CATACLYSMIC of this place.you know, i always see them PLAYING HIS BASS or blasting MONEY BY PINK FLOYD on their lunch break..whatever.

CLICK HERE FOR KAVINSKY’S PIN BOARD

**abortion mention tw** k’s biological mother gave him up for adoption because she was a teenager and the pregnancy interrupted her sophomore year of highschool. she was considering getting an abortion because she wanted to continue her education but her parents were highly against it so she came to a compromise with her parents and they let her put him up for adoption.

he was a troublesome child in the foster care system, always fighting with his ‘siblings’ and neighbors. he wasn’t the best kid. anyways, when he was around five, a really frickin’ rich couple adopted him & it was p lit ig

his love for music began when he was around 8 and he started learning bass around that time too

pffffffffffffft ok enter some fluff here blah blah blah anyway now 

several times between the ages of 10-13 he caught both his father an mother cheating on eachother on different occasions. it fucked him up because he thought that ‘oh well u only marry someone if u rlly love them why would anyone ever cheat’ blah blah blah.

it angered him a lot the first few times, but when he was around 14 and he saw it happen again, this time while they were in vacation in like fuck idk some place in the country or smth ok im tired. k lost it a bit and in his anger, he set fire to one of his father’s many cars. parents got angry at him. kavinsky spilled the tea that he knows both are cheating and it was Wild but im 2 lazy to describe it. dad compromised with him that if he doesnt tell anyone else & agrees to go to a boarding school of his parent’s choice, he can do anything he wants. 

the boarding school was in california & k was equal parts happy (bc hes away from his parents) but also severely angry (bc he absolutely despised the education system and school in general)

it’s a miracle that he made it to graduation tbh but he wanted to be able to do whatever the hell he wanted

currently he has no communication with his parents, or more correctly, he never answers his parents’s calls or texts

k moved to san diego after graduation & started working at the disney store in fashion valley a short bit after.

he also started a youtube channel where he does bass covers and occasionally his own music. more recently, he’s started to do more youtuber-ish i guess things ?? idk how to explain it lmao but his ratio of bass covers & other music to ‘funny’ videos is pretty 1:1 

RANDOM STUFF

in case yall didnt notice he doesnt usually go by zachary, just kavinsky or k.

gay af & won’t let you forget it

hated school with every fiber of his being. like legitimately never found anything of interest there other than sometimes music class. had a lot of potential and was surprisingly really good at math but was too apathetic to act upon it.

also he hates his phone ??? he never picks up calls, never takes initiative to call, & rarely ever responds to messages. he only recently downloaded twitter and his handle is ‘ _xXx_EmoCore95_xXx_’ & he’s had an instagram for ages but has never posted anything nor has he ever put up a profile picture. his insta user is ‘satanisgay’. the only thing kavinsky really uses his phone for is the music app, youtube, and subway surfers

will pretend to talk on his phone to get out of talking with someone else irl almost everytime even if that person knows that he’s faking & hates his cellular device

wants to start a band but :((( has 0 friends that want to do the same. tragic

lowkey really into fire 

sometimes steals things

will steal things for you if ur a friend and want something

always angry ??? 

uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism

only reason he isn’t in jail is bc his parents are rich (& also white cismale privilege yikes he’s pretty damn privileged)

he loves cars ????? yeah he street races a lot too

has 2 birds as pets. 1 is a raven named alice and the other is an albino crow named queen of hearts, usually either called queen or hearts for short.

PLOTS ?

ex bf ??? probably didnt last long. he’s got commitment issues, mostly because of the infidelity in his family

cousins. obvi not related bc he was adopted but yknow

destructive friends ay

friends that definitely u would not expect to be friends but they are

friends/enemies with benefits

frenemies

always fighting ? like actual punches and blood and stuff

give k a band,,,, or at least some friends that are into music

know eachother bc rich parent friends or smth idk u get what im saying

youtuber friends

anything yo im out 

goodbye i love u <3 (*○゜∀。)/☆*。*.・+★

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/