#most of the time the people emailing me are functionally strangers to me anyway like parents of youth orchestra students | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nugnthopkns · 3 years ago

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i wish i could disappear

word count: 3.6k

warnings: explicit!fem reader, cursing, feelings of anxiety due to social media harassment, invasion of privacy that border on stalking

recommended listening: brutal | olivia rodrigo

series masterpost: here

a/n: and we're off to the races!! i love this album and olivia so much. there's a shoutout to goon by tobias jesso jr. in here bc it's my favourite album to cry to lmao (highly recommend giving it a listen!). i'm on the fence about this one but am posting it anyways because i don't think i can make it any better

How the fuck do people find your social media?

All of your accounts are private and Kevin makes sure to never tag you on the rare occasion he posts a picture of the two of you together. The wives and girlfriends who have public accounts make sure to never post about you, and you’re careful not to comment on posts often. You’re a private person and though you understand that due to the nature of your relationship with Kevin you intrigue some fans, you don’t want to give them more than you have to.

Despite making no attempt to open up to the public or media, every day you wake up with hundreds of follow requests from complete strangers. At first it was a little exciting knowing that people were curious about your life but after years of the same routine it’s become draining. It takes you nearly twenty minutes each day to weed through them and accept only the people you know personally. Kevin doesn’t actually know how many people want to catch a glimpse of your daily life because you do your best to keep it from him. Knowing would only bring him stress, and you want him to be able to focus on winning games and loving you with his entire heart.

☼☼☼☼

The phone on your desk rings loudly, pulling your attention away from the computer screen that has way too many numbers on it for your liking. The finance department needed someone to proof their audit before sending it away and since you’re the only one in human relations that has a business degree the job landed on your shoulders. Eager to take a break, you pick it up and press the receiver against your ear.

“Hello?”

The voice on the other side laughs gently, but you immediately know it’s Kevin. “Hi sweetheart,” he says warmly, “How’s work?”

“Fine I guess. It’s work, Kev. Nothing terribly exciting happens here,” you explain but continue to fill him in on all the coffee pot gossip you got this morning. Kevin listens as you complain about forgetting your lunch on the counter and chuckles at how upset the situation makes you.

“What if I told you I’m outside your window with a burrito bowl?”

Excited at the possibility of seeing your boyfriend before dinnertime, you whip towards the window and spot Kevin on the sidewalk, waving like an idiot despite knowing your office is on the fifth floor. You hang up quickly after telling him you’ll be down in two minutes and let the receptionist know you’re stepping out for lunch. There’s a line for the elevator so you head to the stairwell, taking them two at a time in your haste. You’re crossing the street to the small park where Kevin has set up a picnic before your co-workers are even out the door.

You plop down on the blanket beside Kevin and lean into him. He presses a sweet kiss to your forehead before passing you the food he brought. You take a bite, sighing at the taste. Kevin knows you better than you know yourself and knew exactly what to get that would satisfy your mounting hunger.

“Thanks babe,” you smile, holding up your fork and offering him a bite. He takes it graciously but makes a face. “What’s the matter?” you laugh as you take the utensil back.

“I fucking hate avocado.”

The two of you eat in relative silence, speaking only when you remember a detail from your morning. Kevin tells you about the drills he’s going to lead at practice in the afternoon and what he plans on cooking for dinner since he’ll be home before you. You insist you can whip something up when you get home but Kevin shakes his head. He reminds you that relationships are give and take, and that you’ve made dinner the past three nights because he had a string of games. You manage to reach a compromise that has you doing the dishes before you have to return to work.

Kevin insists on walking you back to your office even though you protest vehemently. Your relationship is far from secret, and has been the topic of workplace gossip more times than you can count, but after five years you’ve learned to ignore most of it. However, you don’t want your co-workers to think you flaunt your NHL player boyfriend to prove you’re better than them. They all love Kevin, and a couple of them congratulate him on last night’s goal as he follows you down the hall. A few of the newer hires stare in awe and shake his hand, completely blown away that one of Philadelphia’s biggest stars is asking how they like their jobs.

“Pretty soon they’re going to approach you to do PR for us,” you chuckle as you flip the light on and close the door of your office.

His laughter echoes off the walls as a pair of strong arms find a home around your waist. “It would be kind of fun to hear myself crush those radio commercials.”

“Since when do you listen to the radio?”

“Checkmate,” Kevin sighs, pulling you closer. He kisses you quickly, not wanting to give a show to anyone who could be walking past, but it still sends you reeling. You don’t want him to pull away and kiss him again.

You get your way for a few more moments and then Kevin’s leaving with a promise to not burn the house down and wishes for a good rest of the day. Focussed on giving the audit its final once-over you don’t bother pulling your phone from the drawer you had placed it in when you got to work that morning. You turn up the small radio at the corner of your desk and get to work scanning the document for errors. There’s a mistake halfway through that skews the rest of the data and fixing it takes a bit of time, but it isn’t a huge deal. You have nothing else to do except answer a few emails and organize meetings for after the weekend.

An hour or so later you’ve completed all your tasks and debate what to do. It’s too early to leave for the day, so you decide to kill time by checking your phone. You’re expecting a few notifications, perhaps two or three memes in the group chat you share with your friends, but not the hundreds that greet you.

The majority of them are instagram notifications, and assuming they’re just more fans requesting a follow you ignore them, instead heading to your text messages. There’s a picture from Kevin of a dog he found walking home and another from your mom asking why you haven’t called home in a few weeks. However the one from Claude’s wife is the one that piques your curiosity.

Just a heads up that someone posted a pic of you and Kev to one of those stupid wag pages. I filed a request for Instagram to take it down but it’s gotten a lot of traction. Sorry :((

Your heartbeat increases rapidly and a million thoughts fly through your head at a rapid speed. Fingers shaking, you respond with a thanks and open up the dreaded app. You don’t see it immediately, your feed being full of photos belonging to friends and family, but it’s in your messages almost two hundred times. Many of them have text attached and you know there will be a comment about your relationship regardless of which one you open.

Tapping on the most recent message you brace yourself for the worst. The new window opens a photo someone took of you and Kevin while eating lunch in the park across from your office not even three hours prior. It’s grainy and the camera angle is strange, but you’re eating and Kevin is looking somewhere out of frame. The accompanying caption reads Kev and his girlfriend out for lunch today! Follow @philllywagupdates for more :).

You let out a sigh of relief – it could have been a lot worse. Personal pictures of yourself have made it onto pages like that before and most of them they’re paired with mean-spirited captions about your appearance or other trivial matters. Assuming you’re in the clear, you head back to the page of the original message to thank the person for bringing the post to your attention. However, the message accompanying the post is anything but positive.

He can’t even fucking look at you. It’s only a matter of time before he leaves you

The blood in your veins runs cold. You know it’s not true – Kevin’s made it clear you’re the one and truthfully you’re just waiting for a ring – but it doesn’t stop the sting you feel. What could possess someone to say such horrible things? You decide not to respond despite, possibly opening another can of worms with the seen function, and close the app. Leaning back in your office chair you focus on anything but your phone, looking out the window at passersby while regaining your breath. It works for a while, but eventually not knowing what others said eats away at you. You go through every single message to see hundreds of similar comments to the first, with only a few saying they’re glad you’re happy or how posting the picture is a violation of your privacy.

By the time you’re finished your spirit has been crushed. However, it’s also an acceptable time to start the weekend – at least no one in the office will have to see you cry. Things are hastily packed into your bag and you wave a few quick goodbyes before once again taking the stairs. You curse yourself for deciding to walk to work that morning and set off in the direction of home wiping away tears. The last thing you need right now is for someone to recognize you, but you have to get home. Tobias Jesso Jr plays at much too loud a volume through your headphones and Kevin will most certainly remind you it’s bad for your hearing, but the melancholy piano riffs of Goon overpower the thoughts swirling around your head.

Do people really feel that way about me?

Are my friends just too nice to stop inviting me places?

Does Kevin really feel trapped?

Hundreds of similar sentiments and situations cross your mind as you stumble through the streets of downtown Philadelphia, but you force them as far back as possible before opening the door to the apartment you share with Kevin. Hoping to slip inside undetected, you take your shoes off slowly and throw your jacket on the end table instead of hanging it in the closet. Your plan fails somehow and Kevin hears you, greeting you in a goofy apron covered in flour.

“Hey sweetheart,” he smiles, but it drops once your eyes meet and he sees the hurt on your face. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing,” you insist, trying to step around him in pursuit of the bathroom.

Kevin doesn’t buy it and sees right through your feeble words. “It’s not nothing if you’re this upset. If you don’t want to talk now that’s fine, but I think you should get it off your chest.”

You know he’s right, but you also know you can’t tell him the true cause of your despair. “Just some work stuff,” you sigh. “The audit got all fucked up and I had to fix it even though it’s not my job.”

It’s not technically a lie, which makes you feel better, and Kevin buys it. He presses a sweet kiss to your lips in sympathy. “Go take a shower and the gnocchi should be ready by the time you’re done. We can spend the night cuddling on the couch.”

“And watching Selling Sunset?”

“We can watch whatever you want sweetheart,” he chuckles. You part from him with a final kiss and head to the bathroom. Hopefully the steam from the water will carry away the negativity brought on by that damn post.

☼☼☼☼

Time passes but the hateful comments on social media don’t stop. In fact, you’re pretty sure they get worse. It’s so bad that you’ve deleted every app except facebook because you need it for work. Kevin doesn’t notice your abstinence from social media, but he picks up on how you spend more time criticizing yourself or staring off into space. When he pushes you either brush him off or feed some bullshit excuse about how work is getting you down. You know he doesn’t believe you but trusts you enough to come to him when you’re ready to talk.

You aren’t sure if you’ll ever be able to tell Kevin what’s been going on. There’s been scrutiny from social media before, when you first started dating, but it quieted down after the initial media frenzy. He helped you through that but it’s different this time around. Never before have you had strangers tell you your life is worthless or that your boyfriend should end your relationship. Some of the other wags notice your absence on instagram but chalk it up to you just taking a break. They reach out via the group chat and send wishes to see you at the next home game. It’s nice to know they care, but the voice in your head that has grown much larger in recent weeks tells you they don’t truly mean it. This leads you to decline the invite as politely as possible, citing extended work hours for your absence. In reality you’re too anxious to be anywhere that isn’t home or work, petrified someone is going to post something that will add fuel to the flames of those who interrogate you.

It’s another Friday afternoon, and you’re leaving the office early once again. There’s a small craft exhibition taking place around the corner from work and today is the last day it’s open. You had been meaning to go all week, hoping to find something small to add to Kevin’s birthday gift. As you step out of the building there’s a small group of young women, who don’t look old enough to have graduated college, standing off to the side. It fills you with dread, worried that somehow someone found out where you work and the insults are going to start occurring verbally, but you force yourself to be rational. You work fairly close to one of the artsier districts in the city and it’s more than likely they just want to find a cute mural to take pictures in front of.

You pass by and swear you hear them snicker, but you remind yourself you’ve just been jumpy lately. When they peel from their place on the wall and follow behind at a distance you think the coincidences are running out. It seems a little too strange how their movements line up with yours, and you go down a few winding side streets in an attempt to lose them. Part of you feels ridiculous because what group of barely legal girls would track a full-blown adult around a city of nearly two million people, but your life is currently strange enough you can’t be sure. They don’t follow you, and by the time you reach the market your heart rate has returned to normal.

The first few stalls have little to catch your eye, but a few rows in you find a leatherworker who makes adorable wallets. Kevin’s is ridiculously old and falling apart at the seams – his mom bought it for him before the two of you got together. You think a new one will make a perfect addition to the concert tickets you already bought and browse the table for something simple and elegant. A deep brown one with tan braiding around the edges catches your eye and you know it’s the one for Kevin. Checking the price to make sure you have enough cash in your wallet, you approach the shop owner to purchase. The older man has a kind smile that reaches his eyes as he thanks you for purchasing from him.

“No, thank you for making something so beautiful!” you gush. “My boyfriend is going to love it.”

It’s then you hear it – snickering accompanied by the click of a camera. You look over your shoulder to see the same group of girls from before laughing as they huddle over a cell phone, no doubt already starting to broadcast the photo across the internet. Tears prick at the corners of your eyes but you refuse to let them fall. Those girls don’t deserve to see their mission accomplished, but the longer they laugh at you the harder it is to swallow your feelings.

Head held high, you thank the owner one more time before holding your head high and walking past the group. The only way out is past them so you hold your breath and pray they don’t notice you. Unfortunately you aren’t that lucky, and one of them looks up just as you come into earshot.

“If Kevin doesn’t leave you after that sorry excuse for a gift I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” she sneers.

Another one chimes in, “You’re honestly so pathetic.” They all cackle in amusement, and you speed up. The tears flow freely now, and you call an uber even though it will be a ridiculous amount of money. You just want to get home.

The uber driver doesn’t say anything when you get in, though you know it’s strange to be bawling your eyes out at four in the afternoon. You can’t help it – weeks of keeping all the hate to yourself finally got to you and being followed with the sole intent of ridicule is the final straw. At one red light he silently passes you a box of tissues, which you accept gratefully.

Luckily the lobby of your apartment complex is empty and you manage to get to your floor without encountering a familiar face. There’s a few hours until Kevin gets home from his final roadtrip of the season, and if you play your cards right you can get all the tears out and be as normal as possible before he comes through the door. You don’t even bother to put anything away, just head straight to the bathroom to slump against the tub. Sobs rack your body and you lose all sense of time. All you can feel is the hurt you’ve been holding in releasing itself and soaking the material of your blouse.

Kevin finds you laying in the position hours later. He tripped over your shoes coming in the door and immediately knew something was wrong – you always place them neatly on the rack in the closet upon arriving home. Peering through the quiet house for a hint at where you are, he sees the bathroom light on and makes a beeline for the room. It breaks his heart to see you like this, and even more so because he doesn’t know what spurred it on.

“Sweetheart, hey,” he coos, maneuvering his body to sit beside you and pull you into his lap. “What’s the matter?”

You bury your head in his shoulder and clutch the material of his dress shirt as you cry harder at the sound of his voice. Kevin takes your reaction in stride, rubbing circles on your back and working on evening out your breath. He doesn’t pressure you to speak and provides the stability you desperately crave as the world around you spins. An unknown amount of time passes before your tears run out, but spend it all on the bathroom floor curled into Kevin.

“I guess I should have told you sooner,” you mumble, “But I didn’t want to bother you.”

Concern laces Kevin’s features and his eyebrows knit together. “Tell me what?”

“I, uh, have been the subject of some internet hate for the past little bit,” you say sheepishly. It feels stupid to not have told him now, but you can’t change that. “But you were really busy with the season and I wanted to make sure your head was completely focused on the game so I just dealt with it myself. I deleted the apps and tried my best to go about my life. And then today after work I was followed by some people and they said some really hurtful stuff and shit became a little too real.”

“I’m so fucking sorry.”

It’s your turn to be confused. “Why are you sorry Kev? You're Not the one sending me death threats.”

He tucks a loose strand of hair back into your ponytail. “Maybe not, but I still made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about what was going on. What kind of partner am I?”

“The best one,” you say confidently. “It’s okay, I’m okay. I just want to forget about it right now. Can we just disappear for a little bit?”

Kevin wraps his arms around you tighter, as if he can engulf you to protect from the cruel outside world. “We can do whatever you want. If you want to get out of the city for a bit if you want, or just spend the next few days here away from prying eyes.”

“I love you.”

You say it because you mean it, and if you could scream it from the rooftops you would. Kevin is incredibly easy to love, even when you make it difficult for him to love you back. You know another much longer conversation is coming about everything that has happened recently because communication is the only way to solve problems and Kevin deserves that, but you’re thankful he’s willing to put it to rest for a few more moments.

He cracks a smile for the first time since he’s been home and kisses the crown of your head. “I love you too sweetheart,” he whispers, “Always and forever.”

Things are far from over and though you still never want to show your face in public ever again, you know that Kevin is going to do whatever he can to make things better and that’s enough for you.

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @ricohenrique @tortito @boqvistsbabe @iwantahockeyhimbo @himbos-on-ice @2manytabsopen if you want to be added just shoot me an ask :)

#i don't love this but here it is!!!#one day i'll like the stories i write #kevin hayes imagine #kevin hayes x reader #kevin hayes fic #philadelphia flyers imagine #nhl imagine #nhl fic #hockey imagine #hockey fic #cwrites #sour

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ready-to-obeyme · 4 years ago

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[OM!] College!AU Zoom University Headcanons

For the 7 Demon Brothers + Solomon

Scenario: Headcanons about how you interact with the demon brothers online during online lectures via Zoom (an online video platform that universities have been using to teach classes) and their habits using it

Notes: gn!MC, Considering most universities (including mine) are all online AGAIN fall quarter and we’re going to be using Zoom forever……. i kinda wish i DID have online classes with the demon boys (and Solomon)

Lucifer

Video off, mic off, no profile pic just the typical first and last name, so you don’t really talk to him but you do see his name pop up in the Zoom chat to ask clarification questions

Accidentally has his mic on sometimes

First time you interact with him is when you private message him “hey, I think your mic is still on” because everyone can hear his brothers arguing in the background

The mic is soon turned off and you get a response back “thanks. Sorry you had to hear all of that”

“Yeah no prob. How many brothers do you have anyways?”

“Too many.”

Thus starts your relationship with him as zoom buddies, asking each other privately what the professor just said and some clarification questions

If you’re shy about asking stuff, he has no problems asking for you; never makes you feel dumb about your questions

first time you hear his voice during midterm season when the professor doesn’t see your messages (“you’d expect them to know how this all works by now” he messages you dryly) and he asks his question out loud before the professor can move on

(lowkey think he’s hot just from his voice)

Then highkey finds out he’s hot when his video is accidentally on for a few seconds when he’s distracted with Asmo or Mammon in the background

Bonus points if you tease him about it

Shows up at office hours when the TA is late and you just talk to him, exchange emails and numbers ;) y’know for homework help

If you’re going to do group projects, he seeks you out first-- god forbid he’s stuck with someone who doesn’t do the work ONLINE

Mammon

Mic is ALWAYS accidentally on until the professor mutes him or tells him to mute himself

“Oh, sorry prof!!! My b!!”

Private messages you on purpose to ask a clarification question because he doesn’t want to seem dumb asking it to everyone or to the professor

You wonder why he chose you but then you realize it’s because you had asked a question yourself earlier in the lecture or answered a question

It becomes a recurring thing-- like EVERY lecture

If you’re not annoyed at him, then you might suggest that the two of you share a document for notes or tease him about just having you teach the lecture if he’s confused

“Actually, that sounds great!” he types to you before you could say jk “that’d help me a lot, thanks!!”

Smh why did you sign up for more work for yourself but oh well, he seems like a nice guy

Is also a very attractive guy, you realize, when you schedule a zoom meeting with him and actually see his face

Realizes why he keeps asking questions is because he plays card games on a split screen instead of paying attention to lecture (same tho)

Invites you to join him by private messaging you a link to join (and you do eventually when lectures gets boring)

Sometimes sends the invite link to the whole class by accident

He admits he wouldn’t even attend lecture and would just watch the recording but you’re always there so he goes

Which means you suppose you should keep going to lecture if anything to have him go as well

Leviathan

Already the master of online classes tbh and has no problem with the format

Finds it kind of annoying when there’s technical difficulties, but he just quickly switches to a tab to watch anime

Probably is just watching anime on another tab if the lecture gets boring or slow anyways

He’s always the first one to answer forum/discussion posts because he’s just very tech-savvy and good at replying to people

First interaction is probably him answering one of your questions on the discussion question and from then on after you start messaging him privately during lecture when you have a question you think he can help with

A little hesitant on helping you, but you’re also just really nice to him so he’s okay with helping you, I guess

Give him your email? Why? So he can send you the book pdfs and previous practice tests of course, why else??

O-Oh, you want to add him on social media? Just to ask for homework questions right? Okay, yeah, sure! o////o

If video is on, you see the reflection of anime in one of his mirrors and casually ask him which episode he’s on

Has never been so shook or attentive in his LIFE

Satan

He is a godsend during every breakout room because he ACTUALLY TALKS instead of leaving you in a quiet room alone with three other strangers

You think you’re lowkey in love with him when he has no problems volunteering to present to the professor and putting his thoughts into words so eloquently

He also appreciate you talking during discussion too, and enjoys the conversations the two of you have while you’re not even sure the other blank profile pics are even there anymore

He’s the one to suggest making a shared doc to share notes and study together-- the man is productive and efficient about this, what can I say?

Manages to convince you to go to office hours with him and meet up for studying hours and ooooh he’s hot

He’s actually a very good study buddy, especially when he’s teaching you something you’re confused about, but also just good to study together with (when you’re not too busy staring at him)

The only reason why you’re focused during class because he’d look disappointed at you if you weren’t-- that’s on you for caring about what he thinks, but he’s just so PUT TOGETHER how do you NOT look up to him?

Finds out that he’s actually just a mess like everyone else when his brothers come in during one of your study session and he says “excuse me,” mutes the mic and goes off screen; you can see some shadows in the back as satan shoves his brothers out of the room and manhandles them till they leave

Is kind of embarrassed he forgot to turn of video too but you just think it’s funny because you relate to the lack of privacy of online classes (and perhaps annoying siblings)

Asmodeus

How the hell does he look awake and lively at a 9am lecture class????

Is that make up??? Is he… wearing PANTS??? (you don’t remember the last time you put on actual pants)

The most functional-looking person in the entire zoom lecture, asides from the professor

Has video on all the time-- because honestly why wouldn’t he? He actually looks good

Definitely not paying attention most of the time, and you see it on his face

Messages you first when you actually wear something nice for once because you’re going to go to the supermarket afterwards

“Ooh, where’d you get that accessory??”

The two of you end up not paying attention AT ALL and instead just gush about each other’s outfits

Definitely is not afraid to ask for your social media so you can follow each other and ask for homework help I guess but MAINLY to talk to each other because online classes can get sooooo tedious

Really really wants to be able to meet you in person someday when it’s safe (“we’d look so cute together!!!”) but settles for facetime or zoom meet-ups

Really does not hesitate to make friends and make the best out of social situations despite remote format bless him

The only time he doesn’t turn on video is after a night of drinking with his brothers (“it was mammon’s birthday” he types into the chat with you, “ugh i’m probably going to go lie down, let me know how lecture goes”)

Beelzebub

Always eating-- even if this wasn’t online, he’d also be the one to bring snacks-- his whole LUNCH to class to eat so this isn’t too surprising

You think it’s hilarious when he actually brings his laptop or phone (whatever he’s using zoom with) to the kitchen and literally makes dinner during the lecture

Sometimes you watch his tiny video of him putting stuff into the oven than the lecture slides and you bet your entire class is doing that too

Sometimes you ask him jokingly what he’s cooking and you’re surprised when he pauses and answers your question mid-dinner making

“Lasagna. You want some?”

“Yeah send it over through mail bro”

You don’t actually know if he’s actually retaining any lecture information, but apparently he’s doing decent enough-- still, if you offer to share your notes, he’d be so grateful

“Where do you live?”

“Ldfjalskjd why are you going to send me food?”

“Yeah. What’s your address? I’ll send you a box of cookies or something.”

Basically he just does NOT care what the entire class sees him doing; he could be cooking, eating, working out-- he’s listening to the lecture out loud but he’s giving you a show (whether it’s a cooking show or a work out video depends on the time of day)

Belphegor

If the lectures are recorded, you’ll never see him, especially if the class is early in the morning LOL

If you do see him during lecture and video is on, he’s always in his pajamas or sleep clothes, a pillow in front of him

During discussion, if video is required, he probably has a screenshot of himself awake as a profile picture so he can snooze away pretending like he’s actually there

You definitely notice because he’s the first video to show up in your gallery and his video is like never moving HAHA

You finally message him when the TA splits you all into breakout rooms when you’re all supposed to be finding the answer or discussing something to be shared later

Kind of awkward at first because he’s like… asleep, but when he wakes up blearily, he does participate-- if only for your sake and for discussion points

“Hey… wake me up if the TA or professor asks us any questions, will ya?” he says as he puts his head down and sleeps

Since you and him are now officially breakout room buddies, you message him when you have a question and know that he’ll probably respond to you by the end of class because he actually knows the material despite sleeping through half of the class

Is actually very appreciative of you that you volunteer to speak on behalf of your breakout room if no one else does because that means HE doesn’t have to do it

Bonus:

Solomon

The one to make the groupchat/slack link and send it to everyone in the class so we could actually help each other in the class

Shares a link to a google folder with resources

Highkey more useful than a TA sometimes

Super helpful, efficient, and charismatic… but suspiciously so

Like where did he get all these pdfs? Where did he get all these 100% test from previous years? And-- is that an answer key??? To what???

Video isn’t on ever, so you have no clue what he looks like… until you’re in the same discussion as him and he turns on his video for breakout rooms

He always, ALWAYS sits at the island in the kitchen and sips coffee whenever you have discussion with him

Responds back to you almost immediately if you ask him questions during lecture (because honestly, why not-- he seems smart and has his life together) but if anyone messages him in the groupchat, surprisingly takes a while to reply… maybe he’s busy?

Anyhow you’re not gonna question it; you’re gonna pass this class and Solomon is carrying everyone to an A+

#obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me belphegor #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me #ZOOM UNIVERSITY BABY

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tundrainafrica · 3 years ago

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Title: Lovebug (6/10)

Summary:

“It might be a bug.”

“A bug?”

“Sometimes the developers of this application make mistakes. This is our first time meeting I’m sure so…Isn’t it a bit weird that we just met for the first time and it rings like this? And for two strangers to coincidentally ring each other’s alarms?“

Levi is the developer of the Love Alarm App and Hange is married to Zeke.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5

Notes: Feedback is very much appreciated :D

“As an employee you’re entitled to sick leaves.”

Entitled. It didn’t necessarily mean he needed it. Levi allowed himself a sequence of motions, some reassurance that his body was still functioning as expected

He raised his shoulders up then rolled it back, stretching his neck, bending it to one side then the other. It did wonders to help send a rush of energy through his still exhausted body. It served as a reminder, he was strong, he was functional. “I don’t need a day off. I’m fine, ” Levi said.

Erwin raised one eyebrow, giving him a once over. If he had narrowed his eyes anymore or wrinkled his nose, Levi could have given in. Other parts of his body were still reeling from the ordeal from the beach and he was sure he could fall asleep if someone just laid him out on a sofa.

Erwin though was a man of the office, a staunch professional. When it came to work and productivity, he leaned on the side of ‘being productive.’ He took Levi’s word for it. “If you are feeling anything, just anything out of the ordinary, take the day off. Feel free to just leave me a note, and I can have Petra or Eld handle the rest of the testing.”

The word ‘testing’ didn’t do much to convince Levi to rest though and maybe Erwin knew that. Levi slammed the door behind him hard enough to have him preparing for a lecture from Erwin about door slamming manners.

He waited in front of the door, gripping the doorknob from behind him for a good few more seconds.

“We could start working next week?” Hange appeared right next to him. More specifically, she had accompanied him to Erwin’s office that morning, settling for just loitering outside the door, providing a perfectly valid reason for the internal question ‘ did she hear his conversation with Erwin?’

“It’s a Tuesday and it’s not a holiday,” Levi answered matter-of-factly.

“Well, don’t companies have sick leaves?”

“They do.”

“And you were in the hospital just yesterday.”

“I was in the hospital under observation,” Levi clarified.

“After almost drowning,” Hange added.

“Just because the doctor prescribes a few more days of bed rest, doesn’t make it an almighty rule.” It was evidence that maybe a day off or two would have definitely made the difference. That slightly caustic exchange had Levi’s head spinning. He found himself having to squint just to even feign eye contact. “Besides, why are you here anyway?”

“To work on the love alarm. Don’t you think it’s better if we work closely with each other?”

“Not this early into the whole process. We could have talked through email.” Levi attempted to walk ahead. His office wasn’t too far from Erwin’s a good few flights of stairs below. With his head slightly spinning and his legs feeling like jelly, Levi went for the elevators.

It was as if Hange was on a mission to flaunt her ability to speed up her pace. She walked next to him then a few feet ahead, turning back at him. And she had been that way since that morning.

Levi gave in. “Okay, so what parts of the planning process merit a meeting today?”

“Well, I’m worried for one.”

“There are many meetings that could have been an email and I think you lecturing me about not taking a sick leave is one of them.”

“Yeah, and there’s more...” Hange trailed off, giving him a good look from head to toe. Levi liked to believe she just couldn’t find the right answer to whatever implicit question he introduced at that moment. “I’m sorry about yesterday, and the day before.”

“That could have been an email.”

“I know Zeke gave you shit about being carried by me and having to be saved by me...”

Levi stifled a cringe. A bridal carry to be specific. “That could have also been an email.”

Hange huffed. “Fine. I get if you want to be so pissy about this but let me be selfish. I didn’t join Zeke on his business trip and it’s because I felt guilty. About you almost drowning, about you being forced to play golf and almost losing all your money over a few games. It was shitty okay. And for my own peace of mind, please let me join you at work, and maybe just help you make some progress with the alarm, even just a bit?”

There was nothing much else his muddled brain could come up with in that moment of silence. “Okay,” Levi said, with a tone that could have easily been seen through. It was in fact, not okay.

“Why? Is there anything else you’re busy with?”

Levi sighed. “Making sure that damn love alarm gets tested for the next release.”

***

Anticipation had the tendency of piling stress much higher than the stress was actually worth. For many people, they only realize how much of a simple task something can be when they’re actually doing it.

When work would pile up, stress would pile up. When Levi’s brain was working at half capacity, while trying to balance responsibilities and a guilty Hange in tow, he was barely thinking about work yet still attempting to the best of his meagre abilities.

When the work was finally in front of him, the workflow tracker out, the whole ordeal of anticipating a workload had turned out to be anticlimactic. Maybe he had just gotten used to days leading up to releases being particularly stressful. After all, it usually involved early morning sanity checks, junk food and a stressed out team.

Usually. They had some good releases and the one that day seemed like a good release. Of course it would be a less stressful release. It was under testing for months and it had been pushed back a week already. The QA work was almost over. To be just a little more certain, Levi filtered his workflow tracker to staged tickets and to tickets tagged ‘ready for release.’

“So, how does this pre-release testing work?” Hange asked, leaning forward. She had taken the liberty to pull one of the chairs to the corner towards and sat beside him.

“I’m working,” Levi said coldly.

“Oh, but you said you needed to test the love alarm.”

“Yes, the team is testing it. I’m making sure everything gets tested.”

“So how do you make sure everything gets tested?”

“Well… There’s this tracker here, I assign tickets for testing and when people say it’s tested they click QA passed and I see it here. Then if anything urgent needs testing or anything doesn’t seem to work, I help out and try to fix it,” Levi said, he opened his drawer dropping one of his test devices on the table.

“So you could have gotten a day off,” Hange asked, seemingly knowingly.

Levi glanced at the dashboard to seeall tickets were tagged as ‘Ready to Release.’ the others having been done a week back. He was too lazy to check the event history and there was no need to. The necessary work had been finished.

Maybe he could have taken the day off. He wasn’t admitting that though. “So tell me, what are your plans? We’re getting the money soon according to Erwin but you’re the mastermind behind this.” Levi swiveled his chair behind him, grabbed his whiteboard eraser and cleaned out some of the useless notes from the next release.

Half way through cleaning it up though, he stopped. There might be something you’ll need there. He cursed himself for even erasing some of it to the point of incomprehensible.

“You wanna just use the workflow tracker? Like the one on your computer?” Hange suggested.

“No, this is fine…” Levi racked his brain for those numbers and he settled for just writing the notes just much smaller below the release notes to the side with the larger font.

It looked messy. It looked ugly. And his dominant meticulous side would not stand for it. In one swift motion borne out of frustration, Levi swiped his white board eraser over the whiteboard five times, more than enough to wipe it clean.

“Was there anything important there?” Hange asked.

“Just a cleaner version of what we have in the tracker,” Levi said with a slight huff. He would rather Hange wasn’t reminded of whatever could have been there.

“Well, you wanna brainstorm on the whiteboard?”

“It’s blank now.” Levi gestured for Hange to go ahead.

“There’s actually not much to brainstorm on my end,” Hange said. Still, she walked a little nearer, grabbing the marker from Levi. She drew a heart. “You used biological markers to determine love right? That’s how you made the application. If you could assume love based on biological markers… maybe you can break it down and do it similarly for feelings right? I work with psychotherapy and I thought your application might have the potential to be tweaked in the context of assessing emotion Just to give therapists an idea of how their patients feel….” Hange trailed off. She drew a small diagram under the heart, a sad face, a happy face then a blank face. “I mean we have the technology for it already right? Most phones now are capable of more complex biometrics, that’s what the love alarm is taking advantage of.”

Levi hummed. The diagram made it look just a little too easy. “And how do you think we can break down the application?” He knew the answer. Testing Hange though had been a tempting option.

Hange looked back at him, a confident grin on her face.“Yeah, you have the data already? And you created models or algorithms. Maybe you can extract part of those data sets and we can cut it down… to ‘happy,’ to ‘sad’ etcetera. And you can use what you have to make other types of alarms, like a happy alarm, a sad alarm. Right?

“We have the technology and the hardware to pull that off I guess. It’ll just be a matter of making a model, logging data, and coding. Doable with the right resources.”

“But it should be easier since you already have some of the work done with the love alarm.”

“But it won’t be as accurate at first. It took us five years to get the love alarm to this level of accuracy. I can’t even guarantee it’s completely accurate,” Levi said.

“What about it takes time?”

“We use an AI algorithm.”

“Artificial Intelligence,” Hange said.

Levi nodded. “It’s a machine learning model. We give the model data as an input and data as an output and the more data you put into it, the more experience the machine has and the better the machine gets at figuring out what the correct answer is . We give it the biological data, the input and we give it the output, the anonymous test results and some formulas, and overtime, the machine starts to figure out for itself what love is.”

“So you can’t actually break down the application to do it for you?”

“We can but it will be a pain. Might as well just create a new model.”

“Will it take as long as the love alarm?

Levi shook his head. “We have the necessary APIs, the hardware. We can buy more server space but we will have to create a new model.”

Hange raised one eyebrow. “Okay, that’s a good start.”

“I’ll just have to make a plan, see how much more resources we need and send them off to Erwin.” Levi opened an a blank document and pushed Hange’s seat closer to his. .

“Wait, I’m curious though…” Hange started. She tapped one finger on her chin. “How does data processing work?”

***

Levi never considered the server room to be anything interesting. It was after all just a conglomeration of headless computers, wires and lights.

A very important conglomeration. After all, a fire or a faulty pipe would be enough to destroy millions of dollars worth of data.

He only allowed her one peek, just opening the door wide enough for one eye to see through for just a few seconds long enough for Hange to let out a hushed breath. “Our company handles a lot of applications and some of the servers supporting these applications are housed here,” he explained.

“And the data?”

“They’re housed here. Sometimes we use cloud servers too. Sometimes caching servers and everything is processed here then sent to the application." Levi kept his words simple.

"Billions of points worth of data…" Hange's voice deadened to a whisper.

"It takes time for the data to come, the machines to learn. We started off with manual loading the data, then testing. It took a lot of work to get this much data, enough for the application to work as expected."

"And you continue to get the data I'm guessing."

Levi shrugged. "During quality testing, during actual app usage. As long as someone is using the application and complying to their biometrics being gathered by the application, we get data. That's how all applications work."

Hange hummed. Her mouth curled up into a smile. "So let's say… when I turn on the application, you can collect my data right?"

"The servers are always on, they're always collecting data. It needs the data after all to ring the alarm right?"

"Then how do we check the data?" Hange asked.

Levi leaned on the door, shutting it with a click. "When we need it, I'll extract your data on my end, then maybe I'll extract mine. To be honest, I don't think they'd give many answers though."

"Serotonin, Oxytocin, Dopamine, Body heat. There's a lot to see from those numbers.” Hange pointed a thumb to her chest. “This is my specialty.”

"Then I guess we're going to have to make sense of it together."

Hange nodded. "So what are we waiting for? Let’s work on it over lunch.."

"Don't get too hasty. We're gonna have to make a research plan."

***

Hange already had a research plan on hand and she had been working on it for a while. A twenty page document with just a section filled with bullet points and comments.

There were points Levi had to fill out himself. Still, it wasn't too much work. "You came prepared," he said.

"What can I say, it's my pet project," Hange scrolled down towards the end of the word document.

"Zeke seemed excited about it, I thought it would have been his at first."

"If this works out, his hospitals will be the first ones in the country or even the world with this type of technology. If it's sure money, it'll be easy to convince him. Besides, I have my ways." Hange gave Levi a sly smile, soon concealed by the cup between her lips.

She was in a better mood. They were out for lunch in a more seemingly relaxed position and Levi saw opportunity.

It's better now than never. "How does he feel… about the developer of the application spending a little too much time with you?"

"It's part of the research process and I need to talk to a developer, not an investor. Besides, he has other investments," Hange said nonchalantly, too nonchalantly that it was almost unsettling.

"With what happened at the beach." Just the quick recall was enough to send blood rushing to his face. He wondered if outwardly he did look a little red. He bit his lip and looked away. From his peripherals, he could see Hange though was just a little too focused on his laptop screen.

Hange could have spit out her tea. "Are you still thinking about the bridal carry? I didn’t think it was too big of a deal. I could have sworn you were unconscious."

At first, Levi could have sworn he was unconscious too. Zeke had mentioned it just a little too many times though that Levi was starting to generate his own phantom memories of the incident.

"Sorry about the CPR though. I probably bruised a few ribs.”

He remembered the CPR just a little too quickly. Or maybe it had been the bruises reminding him. Levi ran his hands over his chest, feeling a slight twinge of pain in response. "Hey, you did it to save my life."

Hange shook her head. "Or maybe I was panicking. It didn’t look like you were breathing but everything was moving too fast and---” She was digressing.

“What does Zeke think about it?” Levi pressed.

“Why do you care so much about what Zeke thinks about it?” Hange asked. She had raised her tone, maybe only slightly. It was firm, almost abrasive that Levi regretted it.

“Zeke is an investor, one of the richest men in the world. I’m spending too much time with his partner. Then back in the beach---”

“Zeke is always busy and honestly, I’m grateful for any other relationships I can make outside this,” Hange argued. “You know, life, building relationships, these things don’t end after marriage. Sure, Zeke and I committed to a relationship but I think I should still be able to find joy in connecting with other people. Marriage isn’t supposed to tie anyone down, stop them from experiencing life. People in relationships are supposed to grow freely together.”

Maybe Levi had been thinking too hard about it. Or maybe Hange was just a little too laid back. “What do you think about the love alarm ringing?”

“It happens. Besides, I’m not too worried. Love is a choice,” Hange said. “Commitment is a choice. I think I remember sending you a book about that.”

“So you don’t believe in our product,” Levi challenged.

“I never said that.” Hange started to stir at her cup, just a little faster. “You can choose to love someone, to commit to them, to be patient with them and to ride out every single problem with them but there is the feeling aspect right? That’s what the love alarm measures, or that’s what I’m suspecting.”

Levi nodded.

“So the fact that it rings with strangers or just randomly, shows that it measures attraction right?”

“Hormones, movements, pace…” Levi listed them out as just another appendix in their dialogue.

“I wanna understand… where do feelings fit in all this.” Hange put her hands up in defense.. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Zeke, I married him. He’s a good man. And I wanna make whatever it is between us work for a good long time but as someone who works with human psychology, emotions, as someone who’s seen relationships succeed, relationships fail and some that are just so-so. I wanna know, how much of it is emotions, how much of it is volitional commitment. And this type of research, with the love alarm… I think it can teach us things. Emotions are fleeting but there are emotions that stay for a long time and maybe they make being loving and being patient easier---” She slammed her hands back on the table. “Am I making sense here?”

Levi only realized then he had been biting his straw and had barely gotten anything out. “I’m trying to understand and I think I’m kinda succeeding? GIve me a few more seconds.” He looked away, silently grateful for the good view of the shopping streets from the second floor of the cafe. The cafe was a good balance of loud and soft, filled with whispers and conversations yet still calming and relaxing if he focused on that part in particular.

“Have you really, never been in a relationship?” Hange asked, seconds or even minutes later.

“No.”

“And you told me, you’ve never made the alarm ring for anyone.”

“In my five years of testing, no,” Levi said.

“What made it ring with me?” Hange asked. “ Have you ever theorized that?”

“It could be a bu---”

“Let’s assume the application is working properly.” Hange pressed. “Do you feel anything different? When you’re with me?”

Maybe he did. Levi was tempted to look back the moment Hange had ended that question with her tone of voice higher than a second ago. Her eyebrows furrowed, her gaze fixed on his. Levi had to admit, he didn’t want to look away again.

So he looked away. “I should be asking you that question. Your alarm rang too. Do you feel anything with me that you don’t feel with him?”

***

They carried the conversation elsewhere, somewhere where the walls didn’t echo, somewhere where there wasn’t anyone within a good ten meters away. Somewhere they could have sworn nobody would be listening.

It was a silent agreement, consisting of nodding and pulling of hands and it ended with them in the park, a little past noon on a Tuesday.

“Do you feel any different when you’re with me?” The question was exchanged once again, in a park bench towards the center, after seconds of checking surroundings. It came in variations of it, in stutters, between clearing throats.

When it came to recovering eloquence, Hange won without a fight. “If I tell you, will you promise to at least try to tell me?”

“Try.” Levi was economical with his words. He made certain though to consolidate all the discomforts of such a pressing topic to that one word.

Hange took a deep breath. “It’s funny because we just met right? But sometimes, I randomly think of you. When I come home to find the cleaner cleaning out the room, I think ‘Levi would probably like a clean room.’ When I was drinking coffee this morning, I thought of how you didn’t get your tea time and today, I was excited to see you. But I’m excited to see Zeke too… So maybe I’m just lonely because he left so suddenly for a business trip. Were you excited to see me?”

“Not this morning,” Levi said. That had been easy enough to let slip out. It wasn’t a lie after all.

“Oh. Then maybe my theory is wrong.” Hange said it too quickly, her voice much softer.

That had Levi feeling a tad guilty, at the same time more motivated to find some way to cheer her up. “But I was excited to go to the country club with you and when I saw you with Zeke by the pool, I felt weird.”

“Weird?”

“I kept looking, but I wanted to look away…”

Then there was silence. He was watching Hange and she wasn’t opening her mouth to speak. In the silence, he found reason for a segue. It could have been too sudden or it could have been a natural progression. Levi was easily imagining the scene by the pool as he stared at the empty streets, he thought it natural, and at least appropriate. “You and Zeke really get along huh?”

“Now yes.”

One syllable, one slip of the tongue had Levi alert.“Now?”

Hange shook her head. “Now. As in, we get along but at first, we didn’t,” she said, shaking her head. “ Zeke and I have known each other since college and he confessed to me in our senior year before graduation. We dated for a few years after that.”

“You chose to date him, even when you didn’t like him.”

“Sure he doesn’t give the best first impression, he’s a little extra, if you know what I mean, his head gets a little too big sometimes. My parents and friends said it would be a good idea to just try it out. He was the heir to one of the biggest companies in the country and he isn’t a bad person per se so I opted to try it out and over time, I got to know him, we got closer and he proposed to me a few years ago, I said yes… and here I am, married.”

“Married.” Levi looked pointedly at her. Hange had leaned back and hung her head back, staring at the sky above. She had said that last part with a little too much breath, and too little voice.

Hange gave him a wry smile. “Well, I honestly thought it was too early to settle down. I would have wanted to finish my PhD first, maybe travel a little more, meet more people before we get married but we’ve been dating for years, Zeke was insistent and....It seemed like a good choice. What was there to lose? He’s a good man. We were familiar with each other and besides, just because we’re married, doesn’t mean life stops right?”

“You tell me. I’ve never been married. Some people are asking me when I plan on settling down.”

“I guess we’re on two ends of the spectrum. You might end up marrying late. I married too early.”

“Do you think this has anything to do with why the love alarm didn’t ring?”

Hange shrugged. “Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. The thing is, I don’t want love to be a feeling because just bending over backward to however I’m feeling means that I’m not really free right? I want love to be a choice. I chose to marry Zeke, I chose to commit to him and regardless of what a computer says about love, I wanna be able to decide for myself how I feel, who I love and how I love.”

***

A few clacks of the keyboard. The click of the mouse. Then the computer whirred to life again, a few swishes among them.

“So, all I have to do is type out a query here on the server management studio and I’ll be able to extract whatever data we need,” Levi said. “So what email do you use for your love alarm?”

“Wings of freedom…” Hange didn’t finish. Instead she slipped her phone next to Levi, the screen open to the settings page.

[email protected]

Levi stifled a smile. “Don’t you have a more professional sounding email?”

“I like using pseudo emails for making accounts for weird things.”

“Nice to know our product counts as a weird account to you,” Levi said.

“Well, I was testing the product out before I even pitched it to Zeke. I wouldn’t want anyone to have gotten information on me.”

“Then I guess, that was a good choice.” Levi slammed the enter button and the screen froze for a second before the export box appeared.

“Yeah, I’d expect a company like yours will collect data.”

“I’m sure we have a tiny box saying ‘you comply to having your data gathered when you use the product.’”

“You did,” Hange admitted.

“Then you can’t complain about me having access to the location, the hormone levels, the heart rate and all other pertinent information of [email protected].”

“What email do you use?”

“I extracted that too,” Levi said. He opened his own application and slipped his phone to Hange.

“So you are using a pseudonym too.”

“Of course. I test the product. I need multiple emails,” Levi said.

“Sure, [email protected]. You really had to go for something tacky like that?”

“Well, no one got the username yet,” Levi said. He was quick to digress. “I extracted our biodata from the day we met and when we tested the application. It’s gonna be exported as a data file and just open it using excel or something and do what you need to do.”

“You’re a gem, Levi,” Hange said.

“Just don’t touch anything else. I’m gonna take a break first,” Levi leaned further back on his chair, grateful for Erwin’s suggestion that he got a reclining chair then. “Maybe I should have gotten a day off. Eld told me, support is quiet today and the release has been ready for a while. Nothing much else to do.” He went for his ebook reader next to his desk and held it above him.

It flashed open to the latest page.

The room was silent save for the clack of the keyboard and the whirring of the monitor. It was an odd position to be in but Levi found it was much easier to focus on words when all he had behind the reader was the white ceiling. If he tried a little harder, he could also pretend the clacking of the keyboard wasn’t at all, Hange.

He was tired. He was exhausted and the ordeal from a few days ago still bubbled at the back of his mouth. Surprisingly, the words had shifted so easily into sceneries, emotions, investment and Levi was thinking too hard about one Mr. Collins and his engagement to the protagonist.

“Levi!”

Levi was pulled out of that very comfortable stupor by one rash voice and as he looked up to see Hange smiling, he realized, maybe it had been his own emotional investment at that damn book that got him a little cranky at the wake up call. “What? How long was I reading?”

“Fifteen minutes at least,” Hange said. “I found something interesting with the data. Did you know, that when the love alarm rang, our hormones were low, our body heat was low, our heart rate wasn’t high. Would you know why it still rang?”

“I told you, after a certain point we don’t know. It becomes an algorithm. The computer figures it out for itself.”

“But we’re going to need that data when working with other emotions right?” Hange pressed. “I’m gonna take note of this.”

“Do you think the love alarm still works as expected?”

“It could. You told me yourself, billions worth of data points. How could they be wrong right? But this is nice to know, you know. Just looking at the data here, is somehow reassuring.”

“Reassuring how?”

Hange shrugged. “Well I’ll do a little of my own testing and will contact you when I come up with anything.” She looked at the clock on her phone. “Then we could schedule a visit to one of Zeke’s hospitals and have a talk with the staff, maybe they could give some feedback on the working plan.”

“You’re gonna leave?” Levi sat up, putting his ebook reader down on the desk next to him. Hange had started to rifle through her bag and that got him alert.

“Why? You want me to stay a little longer?”

“I never said that.”

“You said you were busy with work this morning and now you want me to stay?” Hange challenged.

“Well it turned out there isn’t much work to do anyway. We get the changes live by the end of this week and we work towards the next release.” Now that Levi did think about it, the job was pretty repetitive and Hange’s pet project had somehow added color to the whole experience. “But you can leave if you want to,” Levi added a second later. Just in case, she did get some sort of hint that he wanted her to stay.

That last sentence did the exact opposite. Exactly how? Levi didn’t have much time to ponder it. By the time, he had even attempted to read through the protagonist’s response to her suitor, Hange had already pulled her chair right next to his, close enough for him to be feeling slightly warmer. Then, warm enough for him to pull away. “What the hell?”

“I was just wondering what you were reading.”

“You could have asked. Were you looking?”

“No.I wasn’t raised to look over people’s shoulders when they read.” Hange said matter-of-factly. “Actually, I was about to ask what you were reading when you pulled away so fast.”

Levi sighed. “It’s one of the books you sent over in that drive folder.”

“Ooh, which one? Scott Peck?”

“I read though that already until I realized the author cheated on his wife.”

“That doesn’t make his words any more invalid. Love is a choice,” she sang. The amount of times he had heard that since he even read the book maybe even the most melodious tone grating. “So what book is it?”

“The novel, Pride and Prejudice.”

“Oooh, which part are you in?”

Maybe Levi had let his guard down just a little. He probably tilted his reader a little bit towards her. Those minute details might have been enough though to have Hange pulling closer towards him, looking over at whatever he had been reading.

“I’m a slow reader,” Levi explained.

“Well, it’s a classic. Hange said. This time she was looking at him again. “I swear, I think it shaped my own idea of love. think there’s a lot to learn about love and marriage the way that Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy fall in love---”

“Wait. Stop.” Emotional investment in the book had Levi vulnerable. He only realized it then when he felt his mouth twitch, his eyebrows raise just a little higher. He found himself dropping the reader on the desk in front of him again, a retaliation at that ringing in his ears and the uncomfortable drop of his stomach. Spoilers were surprisingly painful things. “Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth… They end up together?” He managed to let out.

Hange nodded hesitantly. “Yes, it’s in the title. Mr. Darcy is pride and Elizabeth is prejudice.”

“You’re talking about the asshole Darcy right? Ten thousand pounds a year asshole Darcy?”

***

To hell if Hange looked just a little uncomfortable. Maybe more than a little. “I swear I thought everyone knew. Pride and Prejudice is a classic and it’s so talked about that---”

“I thought she was gonna end up with Mr. Wickham,” Levi admitted. It was difficult to wipe that grimace off his face, to the point that he had worn it almost as a medal while escorting Hange down to the lobby.

“Hey, I’m sorry…” Hange said. Her attempt to make amends though was grating.

Levi sighed. “It’s fine. This is a sign anyway, I need to do something more productive with my last few hours of work. I have a few more hours in the office, I’ll probably check on the team first. Is someone picking you up?”

“I messaged already,” Hange said glumly. “You know, I thought we could hang out a bit first.”

“Just focus first on getting an appointment with the hospital. To be honest, I really think I do have some work to check on.”

“Hey, I’ll make up to spoiling you okay?” Hange said. She had tried to curl her lips up to a smile, to widen the grin on her face. It had come out as something wry.

He found some solace at least in realizing he wasn’t the only one a little too bothered by those spoilers. He could have sworn it had never affected him that way before. But it’s just spoilers. He reminded himself. “I’ll get over it. Just focus on your work.” Still, it was difficult to enunciate words, it was difficult to even look at her. “Who’s picking you up?”

“Probably a chauffeur,” Hange said. She opened her phone again. The white glare of the screen reflected on Hange’s eyes and Levi was seeing stars in them again. Stars that somehow breathed life into her dead half smile of a while ago. “I can go from here.”

“Wait what?”

“Zeke’s picking me up at the gate. He said he wanted to try one of the restaurants at the nearby shopping street,” Hange explained.

Levi’s mind was an aggregate of unintelligible emotions. Do you want me to escort you out? Of course you don’t, I practically kicked you out. When there were things he couldn’t understand, maybe the right thing to do was be professional about it. “I’ll wait for your reply on the hospital visit. I’ll do what I can with the working plan and hopefully we could come up with something by Friday.”

“That would be cool. I’ll make sure to message you.” Hange wasn’t looking at him anymore and Levi had been perceptive enough to notice that her voice slowed just a little, the volume much softer than a second ago. Her mind was elsewhere.

Then suddenly, she was talking again, her voice a stark contrast from a second ago. “Zeke! I’m so glad to hear from you. Levi and I were just working on the application just now… And we have some great ideas…”

He never heard what Hange said after that. If he closed his eyes, and focused just a bit, maybe he could have but the ache in his chest was overpowering and he found it most convenient to blame the spoilers at first.

Hange walking away. Hange mentioning Zeke. Those were moments of clarity.

Darcy had reminded him a little too much of Zeke. Elizabeth, a little too much of Hange. When he walked back up to the room, back scrolled back to the scene at the ball, the scene with Mr. Wickham, he let out a laugh.

Fiction was supposed to be comforting and somehow with his own emotional investment in the story, he had hoped for an ending where money didn’t win. And he was scrambling for it long after Hange turned the corner way past the entrance.

Back in the office, alone with the reader on hand, he thought about it a little more.

I swear, I think it shaped my own idea of love. think there’s a lot to learn about love and marriage…

“A lot to learn huh?” Love and marriage which ended with a rich abrasive asshole?

There was definitely a lot to learn. Marriage could be for money. Love could be learned.

To commit, to love was a choice.

And Levi didn't need to read the whole book to be reminded of what he had already figured out.

Levi checked the table of contents, then the tracker at the bottom, he was barely thirty percent into the book, a very long book. Or maybe he was just a slow reader

After a few more minutes of staring, he managed to stumble upon the stone cold conclusion that it was a waste of time.

He quickly deleted the book, muttering to himself for a second longer that it was a good decision. Then he walked to his team's office, laptop tightly on hand. When he was looking left and right, when he was looking through his workflow tracker again on his phone, he found an out.

After all, he shouldn't have the time to ponder Hange's own ideas of love when he had an application to maintain and investors to please.

***

Levi ended up leaving work earlier than expected. It was a total lie to think there was any work needed to be done. Exhaustion clambered up quickly, a special kind of exhaustion at slogging through a day of work less than forty eight hours after being discharged from the hospital. An exhaustion that came with having spent a good hour lying to himself and to his subordinates that they had anything else to do before the release.

"Any support queries?" Levi asked. It felt more like a formality.

His subordinates had already started to pack their bags for the day.

"Nothing too urgent," Petra answered. “Nothing that can be finished in ten minutes either..”

“Leave it for tomorrow,” Levi said. As much as possible, he preferred to be the only one having to do over time.

“Sir, do you have any idea when we would start working on that new request by Mr. Jaeger?”

Levi’s answer was calm and straightforward. “We’re currently working on a plan, me and Hange and as soon as we get it approved, we can have a meeting about it.” And exhaustion made acceptance all the more natural. “You’ve all been working hard the past weeks leading up to the release. Stay low or take leaves if you need to, I’ll handle making sure everything goes live on time.”

Greetings were exchanged after that. Thank yous, sighs of relief and Levi wondered how hard the past few weeks have been, only for the release to have been delayed over Zeke’s request. Somehow, Levi felt some responsibility and guilt over such a ‘bug.’ Whether it was actually a bug or it was his own shortcomings as a human which caused the test to end that way, whatever musins he had about them, did nothing to placate the guilt as he watched their relieved faces, their much calmer faces.

The next day he woke up to emails, requests for leaves that week which he immediately approved. One week of calm, one week long enough to have it go live that weekend. Then Monday would be the post release sanity check.

He’d use the week to plan, to coordinate a little more with Hange. He opened his phone to see her number just on top, just like it had usually been recently. He had decided not to open her message until he got to the office.

Business is business. He thought to himself. The banner had given hints to the message but there weren't many hints to the context of a date time.

5/15 3:23AM. Check my body heat, serotonin levels, dopamine levels….

Less than a minute later, Levi was on the phone rattling numbers.

“So they’re high,” Hange said. “High numbers are a sign of love.”

Levi could have sworn he had heard the smile in her voice. “Why? Did something happen last night?”

“Zeke and I had a late night. It was the most fun we had in a while.”

Before Levi even noticed it himself, his mind was racing, asking questions. If Zeke had the love alarm on, would it have rang? And soon, it was clamoring for answers he knew he could never give.

Zeke’s own love alarm wouldn’t be on and even if it wasn’t on, it didn’t send data the same way Hange’s did. All he could do then was settle for speculation. “Maybe there is a bug then Hange. Or maybe there’s something wrong with the data. We’ll turn on your love alarm again when we visit, let’s try it again.”

The call ended amiably and Levi was a little more sluggish soon after. He lay his phone back on his desk and turned on the love alarm.

As expected, no hearts appeared. One hand on the keyboard next to him, he typed out a query and pulled his own data. His own hormone levels were much lower than 3am Hange’s. He opened the data Hange had analyzed just yesterday. The hormone levels were still low.

He clicked on the settings on his application, back at the dashboard then pressed the home button and sighed. “Some developer I am, can’t even figure out how my app works anymore.”

Then he thought something he hadn’t thought in a while. Maybe going for something as complex as love from the start wasn’t such a good idea.

#levihan #levihan fanfiction

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barbasbodaciousbeard · 4 years ago

Text

Delete the Twitter app, Mr. Barba

In which Rafael Barba deletes the Twitter app because of the Householder case, and Carmen babysits him.

Accidental Feminist Icon

The last thing on Rafael Barba’s mind when he was in the hospital room with Maggie Householder was his online reputation. Once he’d turned himself in and been released on his own recognizance, however, he opened his phone to call mami and instead saw hundreds of Twitter notifications, emails from people whose names he didn’t recognize, and missed calls and voicemails from unfamiliar numbers. He didn’t touch Twitter, texting Carmen to ask how bad it was and she advised him to delete the application until at least after the trial. When he went home, mami was there and just as disappointed as he expected. There were tears the minute she saw him, but not any offered comfort.

“You murdered a child, mijo.”

“You don’t understand, mami. No lo viste. El no estaba realmente vivo.”

“Esa fue la decisión de Dios. No es tu decisión. Tu abuela estaría tan decepcionada de ti.”

“No estoy de acuerdo. Si estás aquí para regañarme, vete a casa.”

“Te llevo a la confesión.”

“Vete a casa, mami. Me confesaré cuando esté lista.”

“Rafa-”

“Go home.”

Lucia stormed out, and Rafael went inside his apartment and went straight for the scotch he kept aside. It wasn’t his good scotch. It was the cheap one that burned his throat and left him sicker than he ever was the next day. Before twisting off the cap, he heeded Carmen’s advice, deleting the Twitter app as he dropped to the couch and began to drink. It was only eleven, not even noon, but he didn’t want to remember what had transpired the day before. He should wade through his email, but someone had posted it. He knew because it was referenced time and time again that they’d found his personal email via some Twitter thread or Subreddit or something else he hadn’t yet encountered. He’d had to mute his phone as phone calls rolled in; the only one he answered confirmed it was strangers from the Internet who had seen the news. Carmen called it getting cancelled when it happened to other people. That usually didn’t involve the loss of a life, so the term seemed not quite right for what was happening, especially given the fact this included more than just the people he was used to. People who had never encountered him were hearing about him in the news.

He ignored Olivia’s calls, considering the morning’s interactions enough. As he drank, Rafael was able to filter unknown numbers and messages, tossing the phone aside and quickly finishing the bottle. Olivia came by, and he didn’t answer, choosing to lay back on the couch as the room spun around him. Carmen texted him, and he didn’t look. An hour later, he heard her outside of his door with Olivia and unlocking he apartment for her. He’d given her a key long ago so she could get files or suits or drop off leftovers. Both of them came in, and it suddenly dawned on him that he had his suspenders down and shirt open over his undershirt. He’d spilled the most recent tumbler over himself with the pizza he’d ordered. And now, they could see him like this, eyes rimmed red and mood unstable as he thought more than he could about himself.

“Mr. Barba,” Carmen said softly, kneeling by him. Olivia stayed closer to the door, surveying the room. By the nature of their constant proximity, Carmen had seen the tail end or starts of Rafael getting frustrated, though he always pressed it down with a glass of scotch and good meal. That said, she’d found him too drunk after a trial didn’t go his way. Seen him frustrated as he went through a case he may not be able to do anything about it. Caught him yelling at paperwork as though something would happen. She’d also seen him the next mornings when he came in pretending not to be insanely hungover and was wearing the suit from his office.

“I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t. Is this what happens between an eight o’clock bourbon and the office suit?”

“Shut up, Carmen.”

“Don’t talk to me like that. I’m helping you.”

“Sorry,” he said with a huff as his hand ran down his face, and Olivia had to stifle a laugh at how properly embarrassed he looked. “My email and phone are bad. How bad is Twitter?”

“Medium. A lot of people understand. Or they feel that they can’t understand, so they’ll watch the story.”

“People understand murder?” he scoffed.

“No. No one does. But we all understand how impossible your choice was. How badly the parents were hurting.”

“I was too selfish to do it for my dad.”

“I know, Mr. Barba. But people want to know how long until they hear more. Want people to wait. Can see why you did it. It’ll blow over. We can change your number and your email. Twitter has a really handy button. Block.”

“My name’s Rafael.”

“You’re my boss.”

“Not for long,” he chuckled bitterly before his gaze softened. “All I wanted was for people not to hurt.”

“You need to go to bed, Rafa.” It was Olivia now, and his eyes suddenly snapped open. It was different when it was Olivia. They were friends, but they kept things to work. Other than the occasional group event, they’d grab dinner after work. She didn’t hear him debate pocket squares or see him drunk alone in his office or help him think of replies on Twitter. He’d probably lose his friendship with Carmen once he wasn’t in the office, he supposed. She humored her boss a lot more than she probably should.

“I’m fine, Liv.” It came with more of a snort than he liked, and he was suddenly pulling himself up to sit, wrapping his shirt around himself as though it were a cardigan. Carmen watched he was steady, and Olivia was sure she now knew what she’d looked like when Noah was learning to walk on his own with her hand on his back to keep him upright. Once things passed, she wanted to ask if Rafael was always this willing to be relaxed around Carmen, but she wasn’t sure she really wanted to know.

“I don’t think I’m helping things,” Olivia said softly, and Carmen gave a gentle nod.

“My son’s with my mom for a visit. I’ll take care of him.”

“You’re sure? I can call Lucia.”

“I’m fine, lieutenant. And mami has already been here.”

“Make sure he meets with an attorney tomorrow.”

“I make his calendar. I know.”

“You two can stop talking about me like I’m not here,” he grumbled, heels pressed against his eyes. “I’m drunk, not deaf.”

“You’re belligerent, counsellor.”

“Call me Rafael,” he said again, flopping onto the couch when Olivia had left again.

“I thought Lieutenant Benson was your best friend, Rafael.”

“She is, I guess. Is that sad? My best friend used to be Alex, but I pursued that case. As if mami needed more reason to hate me.”

“You don’t act like you in front of her. Not all the way.”

“This isn’t me.”

“It’s you without a carefully constructed persona.”

“If that’s the case, I suppose you’re my best friend, Miss Frye.” She’d expected to see a bemused smirk or annoyed scowl, but Carmen was taken aback by how sincere he looked as his hand moved to rest on her forearm and squeeze as well as he could.

“My name’s Carmen,” she teased. “Now come on. You need to go to bed.”

“My suit will get wrinkled.”

“I’ll hang it for you.”

“You can sleep in the guest room. It’s not safe for you to go-” His eyes were suddenly wide. “Carmen, where’s Ollie?”

“With my mom. I told her you needed me for a couple days.”

“You don’t need to disrupt your life.”

“I’ll tell you a secret Mist- Rafael.”

“What?” he asked, flopping into bed where she’d pulled the blanket down once he managed to strip to his boxers.

“You’re my best friend too.” She tugged the blanket over him, pressing a gentle kiss to his temple. He smiled up at her, and she made her way out turning off the lights. It seemed silly to say it to someone like him, but they’d worked together a long time, had a lot of late night talks. She liked him more than a lot of people she knew, and saw him more than anyone outside of her family.

Carefully, she cleaned his living room, dumping his other bottle of cheap scotch out and disposing of both before setting up the coffee to brew at seven, just in time to have him at an attorney’s office by nine. McCoy had approved her to work from wherever she needed to in order to keep Rafael functioning. She’d have been miserable helping Peter Stone with this trial anyway. They both knew about his father, and it seemed he may be a ticking time bomb. She logged into his twitter, going on a blocking spree as she explored his mentions, tweeting from her own account and his that she’d done it and retweeting it from his account.

She also liked all the kind ones. The ones asking for understanding or expressing empathy. The ones that acknowledged he had an impossible choice and neither one would have sat well with their own conscious. Leave a child and his family to suffer without end or expedite the inevitable. Then there were his direct messages. Since getting verified, he had the ability to only see messages from people he followed. As she combed through, there were a couple of hateful messages she ignored, but most who knew him expressed understanding and a couple even included leads if he wanted out of the city. She marked those down in her notes app before falling asleep in the guest bedroom.

The sound that greeted her in the morning was Rafael Barba vomiting as the coffee machine roared to life in the background. Silently, she ordered ginger tea and vitamin b12 for delivery, going to fetch the pedialyte she’d brought from home. When he came out, hair wet from a shower, she’d already brewed him tea, cooked breakfast, and given him an expectant look as she slid a glass of unnaturally purple electrolytes to him. He didn’t know what to say, so he took the proffered glas and took a long sip before wincing.

“Grape,” she said plainly.

“Grapes don’t taste like that.”

“Ollie likes it okay. I make him popsicles though.”

“He’s old enough for popsicles? Isn’t he still on milk?”

“Rafael, he’s two. He drinks milk, but he even eats.”

“Does he like books yet?”

“He does. He really likes being read to.”

“I’ll read to him next time I see him.” He was quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was thick. “Do you play him music?”

“Some. Usually my playlists.”

“Play him Bach.”

“You’ll have to tell me what’s best to play him.”

“I’ll send you a playlist.”

“Why Bach?” She watched as his jaw shifted from side to side, lips pressed together, and that told her all she needed to know. “Drew liked Bach?”

“He’d never know if he liked Bach. Maggie was playing one of his cantatas.”

“Maybe we can take him to an orchestra one day.”

“There are some shows. Kid friendly.”

“He’d like that.”

“I’ll send it to you.”

“You’ll come, won’t you?”

“Me?”

“It’s your idea.”

“You’d still let me around your son?”

“My son is a healthy vibrant boy. If he was in the same situation as Drew, it would be hard, but I’d still want you there. You did exactly what I would have done for him, okay?”

“Did you mean what you said last night?”

“Which part?”

“The last part.”

“You probably are my best friend. And that hasn’t changed. I wish you didn’t have to be put in the situation, but I would hope I’d have been strong enough to do the same. And other people agree with me.”

“God, you’re not actually looking at Twitter.”

“I looked at Twitter. I blocked anyone vitriolic. But, I collected all the kind ones in your favorites for when you’re ready. A lot of your attorney friends have job leads for you if you leave the DA’s office.”

“I’m leaving. And I’m probably going to fucking prison. You’ll be down a friend in a few months.”

“Stop it.”

“They’ll end me in there, Carmen. I sent some of them there.” She wasn’t sure what to make at how at peace with the prospect he was.

“And you won’t go to prison. Don’t focus on that. Even if you do, they’ll have to do something to protect you. And I’ll come visit you.”

“You barely know me.”

“We spend more time together than I do with anyone else. I know you’re good, you have a good heart, you send birthday presents to every SVU detective’s kid and think I don’t know you send them coffee gift cards on their birthdays. You’re a total mama’s boy and despite what a snarky prick you are, you have imposter syndrome out the ass. You’re lapsed enough Catholic not to go to church, but you pray when things are really bad. I also know some part of your brain feels like you’ve let down people who think you do good work by this one thing, but one bad doesn’t outweigh an exorbitant amount of good. I hope Ollie has half of the ethical backbone you do. I know there have been occasions in the past you weren’t perfect, but the man I’ve known deserves every ounce of credit he gets. That doesn’t mean you’ve never made a mistake.”

“You’re ridiculous,” he muttered, and much to his chagrin, Carmen wrapped him in a hug that he returned, refusing to look at her. He was suddenly aware he’d cry if he looked at what he knew was a genuine smile. “I’ve got to get dressed to see an attorney.”

“Who are you going with?”

“Randy Dworkin.”

“He’ll be good.”

“I hate to admit that. And I’m sure I’ll hate every second with him.”

“How about you teach me about Bach this afternoon?”

“You have work.”

“McCoy approved me to be remote.”

“So you’re my sitter?” She could almost swear a smile pulled at the corner of his lip, and she felt pride she didn’t expect.

“I suppose. So Bach?”

“Bring Ollie?”

“Deal.”

#rafael barba #rafael barba x reader #law and order #law and order svu #law and order special victims unit #Rafael Barba x Carmen

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its-toasted · 3 years ago

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On submitting poems (+ prose + art)

I promise, treating creative submissions like little discovery sessions is the move. It makes me a better artist. I'm writing this because a lot of writing here moves me, and I hope yall's lovely asses try to share with no shame.

I'm no stranger to responding anxiously to anything, but submitting should be free of that. If I really like a handful of things I made, eventually I'll trim em up so I don't have to mull over the words anymore, then I'll take a night off to go through lit journals. This keeps the process to a time of reading and deep-diving.

Sending out poems = reading poems. This is why it's good. Because it makes sense to see what kind of work is featured and who runs that shit, right. Start at any lit journal and you can click your way through the labyrinth of online lit. Think about submitting like digging for places you like, or sifting for gems. That works much better for me than trying to compare my words with the world's. No paralysis by insecurity out here.

Sometimes when I consume dope hot shit that I want to tattoo on my brain, inadequate vibes bite first. But then I keep on reading and the words work me. Ego melts when you let go a lil bit. Thinking about submitting as exploring different corners of creative writing gives it some good-ass energy. And there are enough lovely voices out there to fill up on forever and then some.

My point is you should grab your favorite moderately-destructive fix and be intentional about this shit. There's so much to learn and love from strangers. Make a night out of hunting for cool lit journals, and just have some poems you're done with ready in case. Don't even trip about submitting, 98-100% of the time you'll probs pass anyways.

Just read and read and find stories that suit you. Some journal's got them, for sure. You'll know when you see it.

Hella free + basic submission-related resources for writers:

Entropy's Where to Submit -- I'm a big fan. Deep, quarterly roundup of lit journals and presses publishing all kinds of creative writing. This is always absolutely good. Most of these submissions are handled through Submittable, email, or Duotrope.

Submittable -- I don't really like plugging this because of its impact on the culture of monetizing submission fees (yes it's often beneficial and fine, but some lit journals are on some bullshit), but in truth this platform is crisp and absolutely dominates digital lit. Registration and plenty of submissions are free, strong search functionality.

Twitter is still the go-to platform for most types of writers (including many many poets), just type "poetry submissions" in the search box and you'll find a bunch of active journals.

Sorry if those are really common sense ^ but if I put it in your face maybe you’ll do something. Feel free to dm me for more resources. A friend mentioned to me semi-recently how poets are like the only artists who don't really consume the work of their people, and they might be right, and we gonna fight that

#poetry #spilled ink #submissions #yeah this had to be cleaned tf up #poets on tumblr #lit

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xanderwithanx · 3 years ago

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Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

#long post #diary entry

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miss-pearlescent · 5 years ago

Text

Stuck at a Vampire Dinner Party (M)

When you first applied to be a vampire’s secretary a year ago, you didn’t think you would be spending a night pretending to be his toy (｡◕‿◕｡✿) M for smut.

You stifled a yawn as you cleared another email from the inbox. Only 10 more to go for tonight. Sometimes, it baffled you how many corporate emails a vampire lord could receive. In the 9 months that you’ve worked as Kai’s secretary, you’d probably replied to more emails than was healthy for an average human being.

Rubbing your eyes under your glasses, you took another sip of your tea and went back to the inbox. You had to blink twice when you suddenly saw that there was a new message in the Deleted folder. You never deleted a new message. No emails got past your eyes and straight to the Trash.

Curious, you clicked into the folder and found an invite.

For a vampire council function. You glanced down at your calendar.

Next week.

Immediately, you picked up your phone, going straight to the video chat function with Kai.

“C’mon. Pick up...” you muttered, tapping your foot impatiently.

Finally, your call was answered, but the screen was black.

“Kai?”

The grunt on the other end was sleepy. Weird. You thought Kai didn’t sleep.

Whatever. At least he was there.

“Kai, did you see this?” You flipped your phone camera around to show him the email.

Another grunt, this time in acknowledgement.

You turned the camera back to your face again and gave him an incredulous look. “Why was it deleted? Why didn’t you tell me about it? You need to go!” The vampire council was an important group of leaders, and Kai had only recently been appointed. He needed to attend to keep up with appearances.

“Scroll down to the bottom,” he said, sounding like he couldn’t care less about this email.

You did as he said, scanning the text quickly.

“Formal attire...Vegetarian menu available...Human guests encouraged...” Nothing seemed off. “I don’t get it. It sounds like a regular party to me.”

Kai’s face suddenly appeared on the screen along with his signature glare. You tried not to gasp as you looked lower and realized he was half-naked and in bed. He was your boss, yes, but that didn’t mean you didn’t find him attractive. Deep down, you knew that if he had asked you to get on your knees, you’d probably do it with a goofy smile on your face.

“I’m sorry,” you blurted out as you felt your face get hotter. “Were you sleeping?” Sure, it was only his collarbones you were seeing, but they were a nice set of collarbones and they were giving you dirty thoughts already.

“No, I don’t sleep.” You knew that, but he said the fact with a smirk anyway. “Just...relaxing.”

“Shirtless?” you couldn’t help but ask. You had only ever seen him in a suit and tie, never anything casual.

His smirk grew into a smile and you had to look away for a second before you swooned. “And pantless. Why, is it suddenly illegal to be naked in my own house?”

You shouldn’t have asked. Pressing the back of your hand to your cheek to try and cool it down, you veered the topic to the important subject at hand. “You need to attend this function, Kai. It’s in your best interests. I don’t see why you wouldn’t.”

“Because it says ‘Human guests encouraged.’“

You looked at the email and then back at his face on the screen. “And?”

“That means they’re mandatory.”

You waved a hand in the air. “Then bring a human guest!” you said as if it were the most obvious statement in the world. Because it was, was it not?

He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up. “It’s not that simple, sugar. When humans are added to the mix, it can turn into a different kind of event. The council will be too distracted to have any meaningful discussions. They will simply go into a bloodlust orgy and compete to see who can suck the most amount of humans that night without killing a single one.”

Your body temperature dropped a few degrees at the thought. “Oh.” You knew where you stood on vampires treating humans as playthings, and Kai mirrored many of your views. That was one of the reasons you were comfortable applying for this position.

“And you know I don’t like to mess around with humans, let alone tolerate one sitting beside me for a whole night,” he added with a grimace.

“Oh.” You licked your lips, trying not to let the words hurt you. You knew he was speaking broadly because he had had bad experiences with humans in the past. Kai only ever drank packaged animal blood now, delivered from a farm close to the city.

You just wished that sometimes he saw you as more than just a mere human.

You shook your head, ridding it of negative thoughts. He was your employer. It didn’t matter what he thought of you because at the end of the day, he was simply the writer of your paycheques.

It didn’t matter that he couldn’t stand being around your people.

“But what about your position?” you asked. “Will it be affected if you’re a no-show?”

He gave a slight shrug and looked away from the camera, distant. “Who knows? We’ll wait and see, I guess.”

You furrowed your brows. Wait and see? After all these months of fighting for the position? “Kai...”

“There’s not much else we can do,” he said with a sigh. “I’m not bringing some stranger I can’t trust to an important function, and where am I going to get an agreeable human anyway?”

You tapped your foot, an idea popping into your head. It was a good idea, but also a terrifying one. “How about I be your plus-one?” Your voice was soft, almost meek.

But he heard it. He froze, making you think the video chat had stopped working. “What?”

“I’ll be your human. You tolerate me just fine, don’t you? And I know how the vampire council works. I know to follow the rules.”

“Sugar,” his voice was low as he growled the name he gave you. He liked to call a few people certain names, and you didn’t mind that he called you something sweet and simple. “It can get dangerous, especially if you’ve never been bitten before.”

Kai had told you that virgin blood was always the most enticing, which was why he fitted you with a pair of earrings that warded off other vampires from the smell of your neck. “It’s okay. I’ll have my earrings and I won’t let anyone near me. You’ll be with me too, right?”

His lips were thin with defiance. How to convince him that he needed to attend this?

“You can’t risk your position this early on in the game. They’ll do anything to take you down.” Kai’s views of harmony between vampires and humans weren’t shared by everyone on the council. There were those that tolerated humans like Kai did, and then there were others that hated everything about humans. “I like my position as your secretary. If you lose your position, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my job.”

He ran a hand through his hair again and you knew you had won. If Kai didn’t hold his seat on the council, he would lose all campaign money and he would not have a need for a secretary at all. “Fine,” he bit out, “but only because you agreed to this. Accept the invitation and we’ll discuss the rules next week.”

You almost clapped with glee as you clicked the Accept button in the email. As a human, you always found vampires interesting. Though it was risky walking into a party full of vampires, it was going to satisfy a hundred curious questions you had not dared ask Kai. “See you Monday!” You waved goodbye at the screen.

Kai only snorted. “Goodnight, sugar.”

You looked down at the dress again. You knew the rules but how strict were they actually? Kai made it seemed like they were more important than the bible.

“Wear red. Hands on your lap at all times. No speaking unless I say so.”

It sounded less and less appealing the more rules he rattled off. Wear red? You hated red. It brought so much attention to your body and hid nothing. You were used to wearing frumpy hoodies to hide all the lumps and rolls on your body. The closest to business-formal you wore was an all-black suit and pants.

Black was easy. It hid you in the shadows and the darkness. Nobody noticed how big you were compared to other girls.

But red? Red was...jarring to look at in the mirror.

Still, all the humans were supposed to wear red. You just wished you were smaller like the others.

You pushed up your glasses and wondered if you should trade them for contacts before you left. But Kai had said to avoid prolonged eye contact with any member of the council, so you decided to wear your glasses for now, until you had to sit down for dinner where you could take them off and not make direct eye contact with anybody as you ate blindly.

Yes, perfect plan.

A knock came from your apartment door and your heart fluttered for a second. You told yourself to stay calm as you grabbed your clutch and slipped on your little heels. Taking a deep breath, you pulled open the door.

You couldn’t meet Kai’s eyes, not when he stood there looking so handsome in a black suit that matched his black hair. As you turned to lock your door, you caught a bit of his cologne that even smelled expensive. The thought made you feel like a cheap sausage.

“Why do you look so uncomfortable?”

You frowned. That was his first sentence to you? Not even a hello, how are you?

Turning back around, ready to give Kai an earful, you saw that he was genuinely curious. His head was tilted to the side and he had his hands in his pockets, all casual.

Your shoulders slumped under the weight of looking subpar. “I don’t like wearing red. It feels weird. I’m going to meet all these people looking like an overstuffed sausage casing. Why wouldn’t I look uncomfortable?”

Kai’s fingers suddenly came up to caress your chin, forcing you to look at him. “But you’re going to be my date tonight, and we’re going to meet dozens of vampires. If you show no fear, they will not bother you.” He gave a smirk, showing off one of his fangs as he glanced down to your overflowing chest. “So shoulders back. I find that I am suddenly craving a bit of pepperoni.”

You rolled your eyes and gave him a playful smack on the arm as you followed him into the elevators.

He threw his head back in a laugh as he led you down to the parking garage. “What? Maybe some salami?”

“I’ll shove a salami up your ass if you don’t start driving in the next thirty seconds,” you said, slipping into the passenger seat and pulling the door closed.

When he began rummaging through the glove compartment instead of driving, you furrowed your brows.

“I want you to put these on.” He handed you a velvet box that looked as expensive as the box that contained the earrings he gave you months ago.

Opening it, you saw that it was a set of jewellery: one necklace, and four bangles. “For me?” You had already accessorized to the best of your abilities, trying to match the glass drop earrings, but these were a perfect set.

“The necklace for extra protection around your neck, and the bracelets are for your wrists and ankles.”

You nodded and snapped everything on quickly so that the two of you could leave sooner than later. You hated being late. “Is this okay?” you asked, bringing the glass drop down to sit right at the tip of your cleavage.

You tried not to melt under Kai’s watchful eyes. Even when he wasn’t trying, he held such an intense gaze. “Good,” he murmured.

“Good?” you teased. “You could at least say that I look like an expensive piece of uncomfortable salami.”

“Put your shoulders back.”

You did, and you noticed it made your chest pop forward too. You tried your best to keep your hands from coming up to cover the front.

“Perfect.” His eyes caught yours as he looked up from your necklace. “Now you look like you belong at a vampire’s dinner.”

His words made you shiver.

It seemed it didn’t matter if you wore your glasses or even if you spent an extra 15 minutes getting your eyeliner drawn straight, because you were handed a lacy blindfold the moment you stopped at the front gates of the property. The security guard there said all humans were to wear it for the duration of the night unless directed otherwise by the property owner.

That meant you were clinging to Kai’s arms all night. Through the lace, you could see a few blobs here and there, but no distinct faces. You were thankful that everyone was seated soon after arrival, as there seemed to be a presentation starting. The only issue was that there didn’t seem to be seats for humans. All human women sat in their vampire males’ laps, and the few female vampires sat in the laps of their human men.

You gingerly sat on Kai’s knee until he slung an arm around your waist, pulling you closer so he could bring his seat in.

“Kai,” you whispered as everyone else got settled. “I don’t want to squish you.”

“Shh.” He kept his arm around you and looked to the screen.

You couldn’t see the slides that were passing on the screen, but you understood what they were talking about. The council was deciding whether or not to send more men to help with the war on the other side of the country. There, the werewolves had enslaved the population—vampires and humans alike—and the human government was doing little to stop it. There was not much they could do, not when the werewolves had such a strong leader who threatened to take over the entire continent.

When the speaker began listing off casualties, you couldn’t help but grab Kai’s wrist. So many humans, so many vampires, all innocent, were losing their lives.

Kai spread his hand open, lacing his fingers between yours before he cleared his throat.

Silence filled the air and you had a prickling feeling that everyone was looking your way.

“What about the ships and planes we sent to bring back civilians?”

You bit your lip as the council mulled over Kai’s question. It was an idea that you had offered Kai early on, when he had first told you about the war efforts, and after the council had approved it, you had not heard many updates at all.

A burly voice came from the front. “The first plane is set to arrive back in three days at Port Landly. It is only carrying human women and children, and we’ll have them in quarantine until we know there is no indication of the werewolf virus. Female vampires will be next on the list.”

You breathed out a small sigh of relief as Kai rubbed little circles on your hip, soothing your nerves bit by bit. He knew this was important to you, and you squeezed his hand in gratitude.

The rest of the meeting went by smoothly, except for one moment when two council members argued over the amount of resources that should be given to those being brought in from the war.

But it was all forgotten when dinner arrived.

You couldn’t see what was being served, but you could smell the spices, the juicy meat, the roasted vegetables. Your stomach growled only loud enough for Kai to hear, thankfully, and you couldn’t wait to dig in.

He gave a low chuckle behind you. “Hungry?”

“Starving,” you whispered. But you looked down and frowned. Even with the blindfold on, you could only make out one plate in front of you. It didn’t look like a big serving either.

Were you supposed to share this small plate with Kai?

You looked around as Kai picked up a knife and fork. All the others looked like they had one plate in front of each seat as well. Squinting your eyes, you tried to see how the other tables were set, but you couldn’t quite make it out.

“Ahh, open wide,” Kai’s voice tickled your ear and you felt a bit of warm gravy touch your lips. You opened your mouth and melted when a buttery piece of steak touched your tongue.

You moaned as you chewed, amazed by the way the meat just fell apart in your mouth. It was the best steak you’d ever had in your life.

“First time feeding?” a woman asked beside you.

You looked over but could only make out big blond curls, and you weren’t sure how to answer anyway. Good thing you were told to be quiet. You could do that as you swallowed the juicy meat.

“No,” Kai replied curtly, cutting another piece of steak and slathering it in the gravy before popping it in your mouth.

“Mm,” the woman hummed as she turned to feed her own guest. “Then new lover? I’ve never seen someone react like that to a feeding. Better put those fangs away before you scare her, big boy.”

You felt more than heard the growl behind you, and you knew Kai was getting uneasy. Suddenly, the steak felt dry in your mouth.

Touching his elbow, you turned so you could whisper, “It’s okay, I can feed myself.”

But Kai continued to cut the meat and skewer a few vegetables in his fork. “You’re not allowed.”

Right. Hands on lap at all times. That was one of the rules.

But it was obviously making Kai uncomfortable if his fangs were showing. He only ever showed them when he was angry and wanted to look threatening.

You chewed and swallowed every piece quickly, wanting dinner to be over but also wishing you could savour every bite.

“Slow down,” he teased. “The food’s not going to run away.”

You gulped down a bit of wine that he placed at your lips. “But your fangs...”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m enjoying the show.”

You inclined your head and accepted another piece of roasted carrot, amazed by how sweet it was when you bit into it. You could hear music playing around the room and knew there was some dancing going on on the stage. Kai enjoyed the art of dance, and you were glad he was watching that as you took your time analyzing every bite of food.

It wasn’t until you were done the entire meal that you heard the funny noise, as if somebody was crying out in pain.

You grabbed Kai’s arm by instinct. “Did you hear that?” You whipped your head around, but everyone seemed to be in the same position as before.

“It’s nothing,” he murmured, setting the knife and fork down.

You leaned back and relaxed, listening to the music that drifted around the room. You wondered what would be served for dessert and you hoped it was something light because your stomach was about to burst.

It was about two seconds of relaxation before you stiffened, noticing something hard was prodding into your back.

Your eyes widened and you didn’t know what to do. Were you supposed to address the fact that Kai was sporting a huge hard-on? Were you supposed to be offended or flattered? He was your boss after all...a hot, hot boss.

His fingers innocently tapped to the beat of the music against the back of your hand, but his erection was the complete opposite of innocent.

Another shout came from the room, this time closer, and you turned your head to the side.

You couldn’t be sure, not when you were missing your glasses and had a huge blindfold in the way, but you swore the woman beside you had turned in her partner’s lap and was now having sex with him.

Even with your poor vision, you were 99% certain.

And she was moaning, loud and proud.

Your eyes darted around and you realized there were two other guests laid out on the table, their vampire counterparts on top of them.

You pulled away, only to be met by the hard chest and hard arms and hard-on of Kai.

You gulped as you craned your head to look at him. “What’s going—” your voice trailed off in a gasp. Even through the lace, you could see two huge white fangs protruding from Kai’s full lips. You had never seem them so long, and you wondered if they bothered him because they looked like they were throbbing, if that was even possible.

Then you felt your pulse throbbing. You put a hand to your neck, knowing your vein must be jumping out of your skin with the rush of adrenaline. You also had to adjust your seat because you could feel your pulse down there, too.

But adjusting your bottom made Kai hiss.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, placing a hand on his chest.

“It’s okay,” he murmured, pulling you back and barricading you with his strong arms like they were seat belts made of muscle. You couldn’t move and it made you feel secure...except the sounds were growing louder and Kai’s breathing was getting faster.

You gulped and licked your lips, trying not to look up even though nobody could see your eyes. “Are you sure you don’t want to leave?”

“I’m fine.” But he didn’t sound fine, not when his voice was so raspy. This must have been the bloodlust he was talking about, and you touched your hand to the necklace, making sure it was still in place. “Nobody will touch you, I promise,” he soothed.

His embrace was tight, tight enough to make you moan. Maybe you wanted him to touch you, especially when the warmth of his body enveloped you like this. And it didn’t help that his length seemed to get harder and longer by the second.

You couldn’t handle it. Your hand came up and shifted his fingers over just a touch so that they grazed your nipple. You sucked in a breath the same time as him, realizing your nipple was already tightened and waiting for him. “You can touch me,” you said in a hush. “It would look weird if everyone is having sex and we’re...not.”

His breath was hot against your skin. “Are you sure?” But even so, his fingers had already ducked under the neckline of your dress, teasing your aching breasts out of their confines.

You moaned, tilting your head back to rest on his shoulder as he played with your nipples. “All part of the job, right?” you teased, your voice panting as you arched up to meet his touch.

He chuckled, his other hand pulling up your skirt. “What a nice perk, getting orgasms from your boss. Put your feet up, sugar.” He brought his hand under your knee, pulling your leg up.

For a second, you hesitated, because that meant exposing yourself to everyone on the council. But then you looked around and realized other humans were in much more compromising positions. One man had five women feasting on his body on the table.

Nobody would notice if you brought your feet up, right?

Kicking off your heels, you put one foot on the table while Kai held your other leg, ensuring you were spread wide open. You panted as you watched his hand slide down lower.

Your hand shot up to grab his, slightly embarrassed by the sight of his strong fingers cupping your mound. “Kai, you don’t have to if you don’t want to,” you reminded him. You knew he was only here because you insisted.

“Hands on your lap, remember?” he chided, scraping a fang against the sensitive skin on your neck. “Why wouldn’t I want to touch my sweet little secretary’s wet pussy? It’s practically begging for me.”

You tucked your hands back on your lap and tried not to squirm as you salivated over the veins on his arms while he pushed aside your panties. One finger slid down deep and you shivered as he played with your wetness, spreading it around so it covered your entrance.

He nibbled against your skin again and you tilted your head to give him better access. “This is even better than I imagined,” he murmured.

“I-imagined?” you squeaked as one finger slipped inside of your heat and then left just as quickly. Kai was such a tease, even in the bedroom.

“Hmm.” He ripped the thin fabric of your panties and spread your folds, finding the one spot he’d been looking for. He put a gentle finger to the hard nub, rolling it around. “When you FaceTimed me that night, I was in the middle of jacking myself off.”

You gasped, unsure if it was the image of him touching himself or the fact that he was expertly stroking your clit that set you off. “You were? I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” He feathered a few kisses down your throat. “You wouldn’t be apologizing if I had told you that night.”

“I might have.” You gulped, your legs shaking as he continued his little circles on your sensitive spot. “I called you late at night in a panic. It was my fault.”

“Really? Even if I told you I was playing images of you on your knees? Of you touching yourself as you called me, begging for my cock over the phone?” He slipped a finger inside your wet folds, the sound loud in your ears even over the music and the vocal cries of the other guests. “What if I told you I was jacking myself off while thinking of my fangs sucking you dry?”

You cried out, squirming as the orgasm threatened to hit you.

But a cool hand touched your knee, and you froze.

Behind you, Kai’s growl was audible.

“You should share, big boy!” It was the nattering voice of the woman sitting beside you at the table. “I’ve never been with a bigger woman before.”

You immediately closed your legs, a difficult feat considered how hard Kai’s grip was on your knee.

“She’s mine.” Kai’s voice was feral, causing you to nearly flinch. You had never heard him like this before, not even in the board meetings when higher-ups threatened to kick his campaign off the trail.

The woman’s laugh was shrill meanwhile her companion was grunting like an animal as he rutted her. “I know, I know. I can see the family jewels on her from a mile away.” The words made you touch your earrings to ensure they were in place. “But just a sip?”

You could feel Kai’s glare and was surprised the woman didn’t simper at all.

“Unless, of course, you hadn’t even had a taste of her yourself?”

Your face must’ve given the answer away because the woman laughed again before returning to her human.

Blood rushed through your ears, blocking out even the noisiest of the party guests. You shouldn’t have pushed Kai to come here. All that happened tonight was the entire council making a joke of you and him. He didn’t deserve it, and you wished you could take away the woman’s words.

“What do you need?” Kai’s voice was soft but rushed, like he sounded frantic for some reason.

You looked back. “What do you mean?”

“Ignore everybody else here.” He tilted your chin up and pressed a light kiss to your lower lip. “What do you need to get off?”

“I...” He still wanted to give her an orgasm? After all this? Tears pricked at the back of your eyes and you were glad for the blindfold. You were so glad for Kai, for somebody who listened to your needs and asked for your opinion. You couldn’t deny him what he wanted, especially if what he wanted was an orgasm out of you. “I just need you.”

He groaned, sounding defeated, and his fingers lifted the necklace out of the way so he could suck on a little spot between your neck and shoulder. “Do you need my cock, sugar? Say it and I’ll give it to you. I’ll give you anything.”

You nodded frantically, grasping at the skirt of your dress to get it out of the way while Kai fumbled with the fly of his pants.

You knew he was big. You knew he was hard as a steel rod. But you still weren’t prepared for the size of him as he entered you. He held your legs open while you guided him in, yet the action felt too slow but too fast at the same time.

He was filling you up and you felt like your lungs were no longer working.

“Breathe,” he hissed. “You’re fucking tight as hell.”

You let out a shuddering breath as he slowly lowered your entire body down on him, entering you to the hilt. You gulped in deep breaths of air as you watched his fingers find your clit again, already swollen from the near-orgasm before, and begin teasing it again.

Except this time, he was rougher.

“Kai...” you panted, holding onto his arm for balance as he rocked into you. His other hand tilted your chin toward him, capturing your whimper in a soft kiss.

Suddenly, the blindfold fell away. You reached a hand up to grab it, but Kai tossed it to the floor.

You realized, belatedly, that all the other humans were already free of their blindfolds. Had you missed the memo?

“Where are your glasses?”

You reached into your clutch and pulled out the black frames, popping them on your face and suddenly grateful for them. You could see everything. The room looked like an ancient courtyard. Kai looked like a vampire king with his huge fangs. His cock was still inside you, hard and ready.

“There you are.” Kai pulled you in for another kiss, pumping into you from behind until you were a whimpering mess. “God, you look so beautiful like this.”

“Bite me.”

He threw his head back in a laugh and playfully bit your shoulder as he toyed with your clit some more.

You moaned but ran a hand through his perfect hair. “I’m serious, Kai. I want you to bite me.”

He stopped, his features freezing to a blank stare. He looked like he could kill an army of men or maybe set off an eternal winter in the tropics.

But you knew he was just thinking.

You cupped his face and rolled your hips, trying to convince him. “Make me come the way you imagined.”

He gave a stuttered groan and lowered his lips to your neck, sucking on the same spot again. “I’m going to make this good for you, sugar. You’ll never forget your first orgasm with Kai the vampire lord.”

You wanted to laugh, but it was cut off short when you felt the fangs pierce through your sensitive flesh. Too scared to move in case something went wrong, you stayed utterly still.

Except Kai was still thrusting into you and torturing your clit between his fingers. You shook as his fangs sank deeper, and you suddenly felt a warmth rush through your body.

A cry gurgled in the bottom on your throat. You hands and feet tingled. You were trembling as the pleasure washed over your veins, bathing you in ecstasy.

No wonder the other guests were so vocal. You could barely hold it in as you screamed Kai’s name. You voice seemed to echo through the walls as Kai sucked on your neck, pulling your blood into his mouth.

Yet he didn’t stop fucking you. His cock wouldn’t stop even as you shook like a quivering mess in his arms. You came once, twice, maybe three times in the span of just as many seconds. He just went harder, faster. Relentless.

It was hard to keep track of where Kai’s body started and ended in regards to your own body, and you slowly realized his fangs were no longer in your neck. Instead, his lips were brushing against your ear.

“That’s it. You’re a filthy little secretary, aren’t you?” His tongue came out to tease the shell of your ear. “Everyone here knows that you’re mine and that my cock is the only one that can make you squirt like this.”

You looked down and found that his lap was all wet. You covered your mouth. “Oh my god, I’m so—”

He pulled you back against his chest, cutting you off as he drove his cock into you, making you squirt over the edge of the dinner table this time.

“Kai!”

Losing his gentleness, his hands were rough as they rubbed your clit back and forth, squeezing out every last drop from you. Then he forced your down back onto his cock as you trembled in his arms.

He stifled his moans against your shoulder as you felt his hot seed shoot into you. Even that seemed to set you off and you shook again as he kept coming. And coming.

And coming.

You looked down and found that his milky spend was mixing with your clear juices.

The two of you had made a proper mess.

“Fuck.” Kai panted against your heated skin, pulling you close to him. His cock was still hot and apparent inside you, twitching every so often.

The woman beside you had the audacity to giggle, even though she was laid out on her back, her human companion’s face lost between her legs. “The two of you look like you’ve been to parties like this before.”

---

Update: If you liked that story, I wrote a part two! Click here to read it :)

The pacing of this story is a little sporadic because I had to write it in multiple sessions thanks to my erratic schedule these days. I try to write things in one sitting just so I keep the same mood and pacing throughout, but that didn’t happen this time LOL I hope you guys still liked it nonetheless! I never used to write about glasses (because I don’t wear glasses so idk how to relate) but it’s been popping up in a lot of things I’m reading so I’ve been incorporating them in my stories a bunch hehehehe

Also...ALSO! This story was supposed to be a lot more.......risqué than what it turned out to be. As you can see from the blurb in the beginning (which I wrote before I started writing the story), things were supposed to be more...mmm.....bdsm??? But that kinda stuff scares me a little bit LOLLLLLLL In the sense that I don’t know how to put it into words and when I do, I backpedal and just ask fictional Kai to give the fictional oc a hug LMAO

ok goodnight. Thanks for reading :)

#exo #kai #jongin #fanfiction #kpop #scenario #exo scenario #kai scenario #jongin scenario #kpop scenario #kpop fanfiction #kai fanfiction #jongin fanfiction #writing #vampire #smut #oneshot

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adrenaline-roulette · 5 years ago

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Four Eighths

Pairing: Four x Eight (Reader) Word count: 2K+ Warnings: Swearing, that’s really the only one for this chapter, I’ll change the warnings as necessary for each part.

*Disclaimer, I really don’t know anything about the world of computer hacking and such, but I tried my best!

Chapter one: Finding yourself

Well hello there! Look, I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit this, but it’s taken me up until this past weekend to finally getting around to watching 6 Underground.

Now let me tell you, that shit was intense, hilarious, amazing, and my golly gosh, Ben Hardy has stolen my heart once again! There I was, thinking that he couldn’t get any more attractive after playing Roger, but no! I was oh so very wrong!

So basically, I fell down a rabbit hole of Four x Reader fics, and then while I was driving to work the other morning, I had an idea of my own for a story, and now here we are! I’ll let you all know now, this first chapter is basically just introducing Eight, but as of chapter 2 (Which will likely either be out tonight or at the very least by the end of this week), we will begin to get into the actual plot, and lets be honest, the smut. (We all want it, don’t pretend you don’t!)

I’m hoping you all enjoy this, and I would love to hear from you if you do!

@everything-isfucked, my sister from another mister, this goes out to you (You had better like it!)

Anyways, on with the show!!!

⫷⫷⫸⫸

Chapter one: Finding yourself

When your friends had asked you to join them for a night out on Friday, you had lied and said you had already made other plans. It wasn’t entirely a lie, however to most people, by saying you had plans, one would think they would involve you going out, and interacting with other people. This however, was not the case. To an extent you were interacting with people, actually no, let’s rephrase that, you were interacting with other people’s money.

Technology was your forte, everyone knew this, whether they understood the extent of your knowledge in the field, that was another question entirely. During school, all your subjects revolved around computer sciences, and it was to no one’s surprise when you had selected a degree in this exact field. Though you quickly found your assignments to be mundane and repetitive, designing a fully functioning website? You did that in your free time when you were seventeen! Create an app which allowed users to stream Netflix onto two screens at the same time? You had one upped that assignment with ease, your app allowed people to stream Netflix on one screen, YouTube on another screen, Or you could split screen, and have both playing at the same time on the same screen. Needless to say, while you professors were impressed with your abilities, your classmates were often found to be leering at you, snarky comments about how ‘because of you getting such a high grade, everyone else’s got dropped lower because they couldn’t compete.’ To you though, this wasn’t a competition, it was just something you loved to do! Of course, after years of doing the same sort of thing, your interests inevitably began to change. You knew the ins and outs of most apps and websites by now, you had studied them relentlessly when in the process of developing your own. So really, how hard would it be to use their coding against them, wreak a little havoc from the inside?

You had started off innocently enough, getting into your friend’s social media accounts, tweaking things in their settings just to get on their nerves. Slowly you built up to larger scale hacking, such as remotely logging into your professor’s laptop, not only finding the answers to the next five tests your class had, (Which you promptly made several copies of, selling them to your classmates online for $100 each) but also retrieving a few passwords that could have been far stronger than they were, (There’s a reason why most websites tell you if your password is weak, it’s to try and stop people like you from figuring it out!) With the passwords at hand, you were able to grant yourself access to anything you wanted in relation to your professor. His bank account details? You had them. The password to access his bank account? Well that just so happened to be the same password he used for his emails, which, oh look, you had that too! You had the ability to transfer all of his money from his account and into yours, something which you found yourself unable to do, despite his flawed internet security, you had no issue with the Professor, and although your moral compass was severely lacking by now, it was still strong enough to sway you away from robbing the man.

Your moral compass could only last for so long though, bills were piling up, your tuition fee was astronomical, add on top of that, your rent for the small apartment you had decided to stay in, to both escape your parents, and to avoid student housing, well the landlord had just upped the cost by $150 per week. You had a part time job, but the shifts had been dwindling as of late, and your savings account had reached dangerously low levels. Anyone else in your situation would do the same if they knew how, you told yourself as you found yourself diving deeper into a list of names you had found after weeks of searching. The list played host to the names of multi-millionaires who were so called, ‘off the grid’. The people who were in hiding for one reason or another, the people who even the government didn’t know about, and definitely the kind of people that you, a broke student, should have nothing to do with, or know they exist.

All you had to do was select a name, just any name, then came the hard part, snoop around and find everything you need to grant yourself access to their bank. It was one thing to find the details needed when it was your Professor, but a totally other thing when it came the people on this list. These were the kind of people who had passwords to protect their passwords, passwords! Your eyes scan over the list one final time, before stopping on a somewhat familiar name. “What are you doing here?” You hum out, cocking your head to the side as you make up your mind, this is the person.

It took close to three weeks before you had retrieved all the information you required, and in that time, your savings were now obsolete, but that didn’t matter, it was Friday night, and you were about to make yourself filthy rich! “Sorry mate, it’s either this or I move back home.” You smirk, spinning back and forth on the black leather computer chair, your eyes sparkling as you look over the enormous number which was the balance of this strangers account. You knew what you were doing with this part, quickly you entered in the necessary details, answering each and every security question with ease, before it finally came time to transfer the money to your account. “Just a bit to start with.” You decide, removing a few of the 0’s you had added for the amount you would transfer, “Can’t have the banks getting suspicious.”

********

The man stared at his phone, eyes narrowing into slits as he glared at the ever-changing bank balance. He hadn’t noticed it at first, I mean there was always so much money in there, how was he supposed to remember exactly how much he had? But the balance was dropping rapidly now, not by enough to cause him any concern, but surely enough to get on his nerves. There was nothing he could do to stop this though; he could hardly walk into his bank and demand they track down whoever had somehow gained access to his account.

No, he would have to solve this problem himself, surely it couldn’t be that hard to track them down, right?

********

Hacking was one hell of a slippery slope. One minute you were stealing someone’s money, and the next, you were assisting a group thieves who were robbing an exhibition which had come to the City’s largest museum. The exhibition was a collection of Georgian era clothes, and jewellery, which had been travelling across the globe, displaying some of the most exquisite pieces of fashion the world had ever seen. So far, the collection had made it three quarters of the way through its journey, and it was set to remain in your city for two months, before being packed up and moving on once again.

You don’t know whose idea it was for you all to use walkie talkies to communicate, but you felt like a child playing spies when you were handed yours that night. You didn’t give yourself the chance to think about that for too long though, as you quickly logged on to your set up, having situated yourself in a hotel which stood right across from the museum. Usually it was packed with tourists, though after offering to pay triple the price for a room with a view of the museum for the night, miraculously the staff had found you an empty room. You had spent the entire afternoon lugging your bags up to the room, all your computer components securely housed in each bag. None of the hotel staff had paid you any mind as you brought up you twelfth and final bag, simply turning a blind eye to the oddity of the situation.

“Okay, I have eyes on the security guards.” You announce through your walkie talkie, eyes trained on one of the monitors which mirrored what the security cameras inside the museum saw. “Foxtrot, you need to go left up ahead. Romeo, stand still, don’t move until I say so, there’s a guard right near you. Lima, you are getting way too close to a camera up ahead, either turn right now and go another way, or wait a few moments for it to pan back the way it came.”

This situation was stressful as hell, but the adrenaline which pumped through your veins kept you going, igniting a fire within you which begged for more. The trio in the museum listened to your every word, obeying each command as they crept closer to their target. An oval room near the far left of the museum, in this room there sat twenty pedestals, each playing host to necklaces, earrings, rings, and bracelets. Glass boxes encasing each item to keep them safe and protected. Not for much longer. “I can hear footsteps Quebec.” Lima whispers to you, and you frown, looking back to your monitors, scanning for anyone who may be approaching. At first you missed it, your eyes moving on to the next screen, but quickly they dart back, landing on a guard who had been up until a few minutes ago, permanently positioned near the bathrooms.

“Fuck, yes I see him. Foxtrot, Romeo, your path is clear for the rest of the way, but stop when you get to the doors of the oval room, don’t go in until I say so.” You watch the two figures nod their heads in understanding, before making their way as instructed. “Lima, go back the way you came, see if you can get into the storage closet at the end of the hall, I’ll tell you when to come out.”

“Quebec, we’re here and ready to go in.” Foxtrot announces, as you watch Lima close the closet door behind him, the guard who had been closing in on him none the wiser.

“Okay, here’s where it’s going to get loud.” You announce, turning to a new computer, fingers gliding across the keyboard at lighting speed. Delving deep into the security system for the museum, you finally stop when a window pops open, requesting an override password. You had three chances to get this right, and you had four theories of what the password was. ‘Incorrect password’ the window reads, before you enter your second attempt. You hold your breath, waiting for the same message to appear, though this time it doesn’t. “Thank fuck.” You mumble, typing in the code needed for your distraction.

The fire alarms blares to life, a loud siren sounding throughout the entire museum. The security guards do just as you had expected, they all leave their posts and make their way to the front desk, all trying to find out what had caused the alarm to begin. It wouldn’t take them long to come to the conclusion that the alarm had tripped itself, but it would give your team long enough to smash and grab what they could. The sound of three hammers simultaneously smashing glass in the oval room is obscured by the alarm, and you watch as your masked teammates snatch up jewellery left, right and centre, shoving the items into their backpacks “That’s the last of it.” Foxtrot informs you, throwing the bag back over his shoulder.

“Okay, this is where we go blind, I’m cutting the cameras now, anyone who looks through them will see you arrive, but will never see you leave.” This is the tricky part, not only for your team who have to navigate their way out of the museum through the back entrance without your eyes to guide them. But also for you, who must now cut the security cameras for the entire museum, and then for the street cameras from the buildings out the back of the museum. You don’t have to do all the cameras outside, just enough to give your team room to make a clean getaway, leaving no trace of them to be found. You swipe your phone unlocked, resting it on the desk beside you, hitting shuffle on your playlist, Nutbush city limits playing at full volume. Smiling, you get to work, the song adding to the exhilaration of what you had just done. Sure, not many people would be proud of robbing priceless artefacts from a museum, but hey, each to their own.

As you finish with the last building, its cameras shut off, your music drowns out the sound of the hotel door clicking shut softly. “Alright, you have a camera free street ahead of you. I’ll see you back at the rendezvous point for my cut.” You sign off on the walkie talkie, switching it off, after hearing an affirmative from your team on the ground. “Fuck yeah!” You cry happily, clapping your hands together three times, taking a moment to congratulate yourself on pulling off something that was this large scale.

“I wouldn’t say fuck yeah, in fact, I was leaning more towards fuck you.” Comes a voice from behind you, causing you to leap to your feet in surprise, spinning on the spot to face the stranger in your room.

“Who the hell are you?” You shriek, hands grabbing blindly at the desk behind you, searching for something you could use to defend yourself with.

“I’m the man you’ve been robbing for the past few months. I’m also the man who is going to kill you for doing so.”

Your fingers wrap around a solid object, and you lift it before you, holding it up in self-defence. You realise too late, that the hotel provided paper weight you were wielding, was nothing against the gun that was pointed directly at your chest.

Chapter Two My Masterlist

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bigskydreaming · 4 years ago

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Thank you again and still for all the help and support! I really truly can not imagine making it through the past couple days without it, considering I spent most of it awake and in the bathroom puking from the constant migraines that come with your head not being happy about its bones not being in the right place. Stress aggravates them, or at least my awareness of them, and because of how little work there is currently and how expensive being broke and disabled in LA is, let’s just say, there’s been stress, lol.

I’m feeling a bit better today, or at least I’m making myself pretend that and act like that since I’ve got another appointment at that clinic where I get my juicy and tasty IV bags of nutrients pumped into me since I barely even CAN eat, physically, which combined with the lack of sleep and the nausea, like, also not a great combination.

So, I mean it when I say your donations and support have absolutely been invaluable, everything from a couple dollars to an anonymous message, like, its all amazing and appreciated and invaluable. Yeah. I already said that, whoops, anyway, BUT I DIGRESS.

That’s about all of an update I have there, lol, so in other news, I should be around more today since like I said, I’m feeling a bit better and have possibly plateau-ed on this latest pain level. (My super-annoying superpower....ever since I was a kid I’ve been able to adapt to increases in pain like a pro. As in, being able to manage/function despite it. Course, I still feel it, but give me a day or two to adjust to a new norm in how much my body hates me currently, and then I can power through).

So, like I said, I should be around more today, and I’ll probably be random as hell. Like I’ve mentioned before, my blog is where I spew literally everything from inane thoughts to fandom feels, since its like.....my only social outlet these past couple years and the only way I get to interact with people who aren’t doctors. Expect no pattern in topics until I find whatever sticks and keeps me focused on it enough to serve as a distraction from, y’know, the broke body and broke bank account.

SO! Absolutely feel free to hit me up about anything and everything. ESPECIALLY if you’ve made a donation or sent me something. Like, I know some people who have sent money don’t even follow me or know me at all and are just generous spirits who saw my post somewhere, but for any of you who have sent any kind of support just cuz you like, like me and my rambles, lol, totally feel free to drop into my messages even on anon and say what kind of posts or content from me you really engage with and would love to see more of. I can’t make any promises or guarantees, unfortunately, given I didn’t expect or plan on crashing so hard these last couple days, bleh, and just....literally, like, writing more of the kind of stuff or posts people who have helped me stay alive is pretty much the only way I have of kinda giving at least something back, so I mean, I am happy to pounce on anything in that direction.

Again, just can’t make any guarantees given how unpredictable my life is and depending on how many people send requests or prompts or messages, etc, but I don’t delete anything of that nature and I usually get back around to stuff EVENTUALLY. For instance, I’m REALLY hoping to finish up two one-shots today, one that’s focused on Duke, Dick and Cass from that prompt you sent me a couple weeks ago, @zee-gee, and the other uh.....that umm, TW/X-Men fusion you commissioned way longer ago than my pride will allow me to admit in public @camelotpark, lol. And like, those posts you see me making to @russianspacegeckosexparty about the changelings project I talk about a lot, like.....Adam basically just sends me random thoughts and prompts about it all the time, and its like a running thread that’s easy for me to pick back up and sink into whenever I see a new one in my inbox and I’ve got enough spoons at the moment to dig in.

Also have a couple other things I want to respond to today while I have the energy and a destined-to-be-longer-than-it-needs-to-be meta about Dick’s positioning in narratives with various other characters and WHY I think it so usually works out that way, and I’m aiming to keep that more like....musing-esque than rant-errific, but uh, let’s see how that actually goes, lmfao.

Anyway, that’s what I have in mind for today, aside from my going to get my IV buffet at ten and emailing and calling people from listings about rooms to rent, but tbh, I might just end up being even more random and sporadic than usual, if I can’t focus on any of those long enough to stay sufficiently distracted today. (Like, my other annoying superpower as long-time followers have heard before, is my ridiculously fast metabolism. I know, “oh no, I’m so skinny, poor me,” but like....its never been about weight gain or loss for me, its about how fast my body processes various medications, meaning pretty much every painkiller I’ve ever tried is largely useless to me, or at most wears off in a couple hours.....whereas my ADHD meds actually provide me MORE relief from the pain than any of them. Basically, they let me actually focus on something OTHER than pain and not get interrupted/distracted by the occasional pain spike that likes to remind me its there and wants my attention......so I mean, I still feel everything that comes with my head being physically out of whack, but for the hours vyvanse is working for me, coupled with some heavy duty pain meds, I can like.....just sorta....not care about it for awhile. Like, it hasn’t gone away but its more shoved to the back of my mind at least. And all of that, I’m happy to stuff in a closet whenever I can, lol).

And that’s enough rambles for this post, I think. LOLOLOL, as if I have a quota. But yeah. Just wanted to express how much your support has meant and continues to mean, and like.....I’m still here and alive and crossing fingers that I’ll hear about an actual surgery date soon, but in the meanwhile like......I’m kinda stuck in a perpetual Limbo, one that’s largely confined to whatever is in hobbling distance from my bed of the day, and as much as donations help me physically, in remaining able to at least stay that way, just, any and all interactions on here help by keeping me engaged with the world on at least some level, and make it so I have stuff to think or talk about beyond my own situation and how I’m not a super huge fan of that.

(Okay, I shouldn’t say any and ALL interactions are appreciated, since I have my fun little runs of anon hate in my inbox, but I mean, all of the above is why they’re not really a big deal to me and never have been. Its like, dude, my own body has been trying to take me out for the past three years, and you think a few insults from an anonymous stranger are gonna do the trick? LOLOL, please. Tbh, the only real negative effect anon hate has on me is that it makes me a bit more snappish and quick to assume the worst than I’d like, when people @ me in a way that I misread as aggressive or in bad faith. I’m aware that my day-to-day temperment is a lot more irritable and open to fights than I usually like to be, as self-control is kinda a big deal to me, and my situation and stress and other shit kinda keep me constantly operating at a level best described as itchy, and none of that is an excuse for any times I read an interaction wrong and go for the throat. I just mean like.....I’m a very blunt and straight-forward person, and I do appreciate when people take a similar approach to me as it really helps keep those misreads to a minimum. Any time someone wants to engage with me in some way, I promise I am SO much easier to talk to if you just....put it out there, whatever it is. Its the games people play online (and in real life) that just frustrate the hell out of me and...yeah. Again, I’m not saying any of that as an excuse or a request for a free pass any time I fuck up an interaction or cross a line, I’m just saying, if anyone’s held back on interacting with me because they think I might snap at them or mistake it for them trying to start a fight, like......just be direct with me. Honestly, thats just....always gonna be more productive when it comes to me.)

But yeah. So that’s the current state of me and all that jazz. Again, I so appreciate everything everyone’s done to support me, not just these past couple days but over the course of these past three years as well. I notice and remember all of it, and its why even though I rant and complain and am critical about so much in society and fandoms and all that.....I really truly am a believer in the idea that there’s more good in people and the world than bad, and the bad just tends to be louder is all. It was especially loud for me the last couple days, the volume got way jacked up, but the goodwill from you guys has been more than enough to drown it out and give me some reprieve.

Alright, shutting up now. All done. The end.

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hey-hamlet · 5 years ago

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BNHA AU Ideas: Lab-brat

also on AO3

TL;DR:

Age 7, Izuku is taken from the family he knows to become a human labrat for the league of villains.

Age 13, he escapes.

izuku is a lil quirkless kid, born to an absent dad and a really great mum

like hisashi? he vanished when it came out izuku was quirkless. little did they know, he was actually trying to do right by them by doing that

because when izuku turns 6 hisashi's boss finds out about his quirkless son. dr tsubasa has new nomu fodder

hisashi tries to stop them but he doesnt want his son to suffer this alone if they kill him, so he gives in, they take izuku on his 7th birthday. bakugo is angry because no one will tell him what happened to izuku, because no one knows. inko moves in with the bakugos

now, they've never made a nomu from a quirkless kid before, but afo has given quirks to quirkless people before, and they didn't have any negative effects, which he's interested in. so they ask izuku if hed like a quirk and izuku says yes please! because he doesnt know hes been kidnapped, because his dad is there

afo is honestly just very interested in where this is going, he doesnt ever expect to really use izuku as a nomu, more a lab rat than anything. plus, the kid is cute and plays well with tomura so he might be useful

he asks izuku what type of quirk he'd like and izuku rambles about quirks for a little bit happily and tsubasa is Very Interested because if, like he thinks, the extra quirks dont break this kid's brain, hes going to have one very helpful labrat

also yes in this au shigiraki calls him "lab-brat"

so izuku eventually comes to the end of his quirk ramble and says "something minor but that can be used creatively"

so afo gives him a hardening quirk that can be used on a meter square of skin at a time

afo tells him it might hurt a bit but izuku says hes brave! so he takes it without crying and afo tells him hes very strong

izuku asks when hes going to see his mum. afo smiles and hisashi has a bad feeling

"your mum didn't want you anymore, she asked your dad to take care of you because he didn't like that you were quirkless. i didn't think that was fair so i told your father he could bring you to stay here."

and izuku is upset but his mum was never very supportive of him,,, she was nice? but other than that she just kinda exsisted. afo tells him its ok, sometime people are very mean without meaning to be and izuku is allowed to stay with dr tsubasa and his father so izuku cheers up a little

the doctor says hes going to work as his lab assistant as homeschooling and izuku is very excited to study quirks!! hisashi feels kinda bad bc he didn't want his son to be a villain but he's in awe of afo's ability to lie his actual ass off and his son is happy now so it's all good

basically: they know izuku has a hero complex a mile wide, so instead of breaking him, they play into it

anyway, extra quirks don't seem to degrade his mental function, afo tells izuku his quirks are from villains, trades and donations,,, which,,, he's not really lying ab that

izuku is priceless as a living growing experiment so they are very kind to him and pretty fond of him, he ends up getting a lot of healing quirks to compliment his role as lab-brat/nurse

so he has a much less powerful rewind quirk than eri, its like only 3 times normal speed in reverse, activated by choice

he has a pyrokinesis quirk (he got it for his birthday, he wanted to match his dad)

a feathered wing quirk (requested by dr tsubasa bc it would he "practical" (aka dude has issues))

he no longer has the hardening quirk, it went to an "employee"

also has a night vision quirk, a disinfection quirk, a jump quirk and a mild resistance quirk

most of the quirks he has a helpful ones, but ones that couldn't be used on nomu bc they needed an actual strategy to use. he had an emitter with mind mutation qualities at one point? so hes kinda a mismatch of a fluffy, glowing, lanky green child

v e r y smart, also very pale! because he's been outside very rarely

hes been told hes doing contract work for the heroics commission

so he does quirk testing (hes given the quirk for a bit and mucks around with it, then gives it back) and analysis

hes always thought something was wrong? because his big brother tomura hates heroes and ways always upset, his dad and tsubasa looked sad sometimes and sensei got hurt really badly one day and he had to help fix him

(he almost threw up bc afo had n o f a c e and izuku had to touch him, tsubasa couldn't convince izuku afo was alive until he had his eyes back)

and bc izuku is a soft boy he just wants to save them! so age 13 he goes to the part of the lab hes not allowed to bc its too "dangerous"

and

its filled

with what once

were people

he runs

afo isnt surpirsed exactly, he was expecting this and had a tracker implanted in the kid. but he thinks this could be interesting, new data to collect. the chip can read his vitals/location etc. so they dont need him by their side to collect data on him

so he just tells tsubasa and hisashi to let him go, afo will collect him if he gets too hurt. shigiraki is sad bc his mariokart buddy is gone but the labbrat with be back soon, because heroes are terrible

so they move the lab just incase, but dont really expect izuku to sell them out

so izuku is on his own in a city he doesnt know

hes not treated very well by strangers because hes very "mutant" looking, and has no money to his name. he doesnt trust police, he doesnt trust most heroes

a lot of the heroes he did analysis on turned out to be shady at best and hes nervous they'll throw him back to sensei

then he remembers nezu

nezu was a labrat, just like him.

and he thinks he might have a hope

so izuku knows the heroes that work at UA

he knows they are all good people too. heroics teaching pays well, but not as well as patrolling can, so they must value the kids over fame. however, he also knows rocking up in front of them asking to see nezu is a terrible idea

but its the only one he has

so, before he does all this he gets nezu's email and explains that he needs to talk to him, knowing nezu wont respond but at least he'll know of izuku if this stupid idea works, so he becomes a hero chaser

mics fight? shows up, heals mic and tells him he needs to talk to nezu then he runs away bc the police are coming

midnight? blocks a knife with his wing and heals her wounds, telling her he really needs to talk to nezu

aizawa? finds him bleeding in an alley and sits with him for an hour while he heals his wounds, tells him he really needs to talk to nezu

so at this point, nezu is very intrigued mostly because mic, midnight and aizawa have no idea what this kid's quirk is, and they have described him as looking different each time

so when the alarm goes off at UA before school starts hes not particularly alarmed, and he asks everyone to wait before responding

hes rewarded when he sees a sheepish izuku knocking on his window

anyway, izuku isnt doing too hot. in fact, afo was a few days away from picking him up because he was starving, cold and in pain

nezu opens the window and the first thing out of izuku’s mouth is "i was a labrat too" and nezu is Very Very Interested

izuku spills all he can and its clear to nezu that even though izuku thinks hes been treated well? he hasn't been

so nezu asks izuku if he has anywhere to go. which he doesnt, because his mum "gave him away" nezu asks if he'd be ok if he stayed with some of the teachers and izuku says "no i dont want to be a bother, ill find somewhere!" and aizawa walks in and says "lol nope come with me"

so hes just turned 14 fyi, aizawa is teaching some 3rd years and after they graduate hes getting a new class of first years (which hes going to expell all of them.)

so anyway, izuku tells them ab his quirks and nezu has a bad feeling so he calls all might and allmight has the worst feeling bc fuck its afo the bastard isn’t dead

#bnha au #labbrat au #midoriya izuku #principal nezu #izuku #aizawa shouta #eraserhead #AFO #hisashi midoriya #shigaraki tomura #dr tsubasa #midoriya #yamada hizashi #present mic

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imaginetonyandbucky · 6 years ago

Text

Tony Stark’s Guide to Being a Functional Adult

Step 2: Learn Basic Adulting (AO3)

Dinner that evening was a slightly awkward affair; Bucky was clearly self-conscious about having a virtual stranger in his home and Tony was too tired to turn on the charm like he normally would. They had ordered cheap Chinese takeout that Bucky must be enjoying, judging from the way he was steadily emptying his carton of General Tso’s, but Tony mostly picked at his and wondered if it was possible to develop atherosclerosis from a single meal.

“So are you going to get the rest of your stuff tomorrow?” Bucky asked as he got up to pour himself another glass of water.

Tony toyed with his chopsticks and stared down at the glutinous mass on his plate. “That is all my stuff. My dad kicked me out of the house and that was everything I had on me when I left.”

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry.” Bucky’s face creased with sympathy. “You know, if you need to pick up some stuff I can take you to the store.”

Tony sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I can go myself, if you just tell me where it is.”

“It’s not a big deal, I need to pick up some stuff too. We can go tomorrow.” Bucky pushed back from the table and started cleaning up, tossing his empty food carton in the trash and putting his silverware and glass in the sink. “I figure we’ll trade off doing dishes?” Bucky said over his shoulder as he grabbed a towel from his room and headed to the bathroom.

“Sounds fair,” Tony called back. He put his almost untouched Chinese food away and eyed the pile of dishes in the sink like it was a nest of snakes. But there was a sponge behind the faucet and one of the bottles below the sink identified itself as dishwashing liquid, so he was almost done when Bucky got out of the shower.

“Oh, you washed them all by hand,” Bucky said in surprise, toweling his hair dry, his t-shirt and sweatpants clinging to his damp skin in a way that almost had Tony dropping the slippery glass in his hand. “You could have put them in the dishwasher.”

“Oh,” Tony said, looking back down at the soapy sink, face getting hot. “I, um, didn’t see it there. I’m almost done anyway.”

As Bucky shrugged and turned away, Tony glared at the dishwasher and quickly finished scrubbing the plates.

(More after the break!)

After an abysmal night’s sleep getting used to the night sounds in an alien part of the city, Tony made himself a bowl of cereal and then spent a solid fifteen minutes staring at the blinking cursor on his screen, struggling with indecision. He’d googled the proper format for a resume but got stumped at the very first step – having his name on the top of the document. The word “Stark” marched black and ominous across the top and revealed the gaping hole in Tony’s plan: who in their right mind was going to hire him? Who would believe that a Stark was genuinely interested in working a wage job, and then could be trusted to keep quiet about it when any tabloid would pay good money for the hot tip that Tony Stark was punching a time clock? He couldn’t lie, like he had to Bucky, because he didn’t have a fake ID nor the vaguest idea of how to get one. “Shit,” he said, raking his hands through his hair as he thought furiously. He didn’t even know how to go about finding a job under the table; do you just go around to businesses and ask?

Eventually he closed the resume document – “No, don’t bother saving it,” he muttered resentfully, closing the dialogue box on his screen – and sent an email to his old professors, asking if they knew of any paid positions that were accepting students, carefully phrasing it so it looked like he just needed work experience instead of money. One guy got back to him immediately, but his response was not encouraging. “Paid positions are usually limited to students with financial need,” Tony read. “Well, shit.” He thought about writing back and explaining that he was one of those students, but again, the prospect of reading about his family drama on the New York Daily News stopped him. With another curse of frustration he closed his laptop and set it on the floor, then rolled over to bury his face in his pillow. How do people do this?

There was a knock on the door and then Bucky said “Tony? Are you ready to go to the store?”

Tony sighed and sat up. “Sure, hold on a second.”

The drive was short but Tony spent most of it frowning to himself as he watched Bucky navigate the car’s controls one-handed. Doing almost anything, like hitting the turn signal or putting down a window, involved holding the steering wheel still with a knee and awkwardly reaching over; Tony imagined he didn’t listen to the radio very often because changing the channel would be a hell of a hassle. But it wouldn’t be that difficult to move the important things to the right side of the steering column where Bucky could reach them, Tony mused. If he could wire the controls for the radio and windows straight into the steering wheel that would be best, but you would need to-

“Alright, we’re here,” Bucky announced, putting the car in park and interrupting Tony’s thoughts.

“Dollar Tree?” Tony read the store’s sign as he climbed out of the car. “What is this place?”

“It’s like a Dollar General but cheaper.” At Tony’s still baffled look, he said, “You’ve never heard of Dollar General? What about Walmart?”

“Oh, yeah, Walmart,” Tony echoed, making a conscious effort to smooth the look of confusion from his face. He obediently followed Bucky around the store with a shopping cart, wincing at the squeaky wheel that announced his progress through the store and using his best poker face to keep from wrinkling his nose at the musty smell and the crowded, overflowing shelves. When they came up to the register Tony handed over his credit card and prayed that his father hadn’t gotten around to cancelling it yet, because the cash he had in his pocket wouldn’t cover it and they still had to go get groceries.

“You seem like you’ve had some experience with this,” Tony commented as they loaded all of his newly acquired stuff in the trunk. Bucky had been the one to take the lead, letting Tony push the cart around while he threw stuff into the basket, stuff Tony hadn’t even thought of needing like socks and underwear and spare toothbrushes. His matter-of-fact attitude about the entire trip had gone a long way to making Tony feel better about not knowing what the hell he was doing.

Bucky snorted. “People like to think it’s all kumbaya out there for gay kids since gay marriage was legalized, but I know plenty of people that got kicked out of their homes for being gay or trans. So yeah, I’ve done this a time or two.”

Tony couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that was part of his dad’s problem with him going back to school, like maybe Howard thought that if Tony came home to work at SI he would settle down into respectable heterosexuality with some high society debutante. “Did it happen to you?” He blurted as they got into the car.

“No, my parents were really cool about it when I came out,” Bucky answered, apparently not bothered by the fact that Tony had pretty much just asked him if he were gay. “Where to now? Grocery store?”

“Yes please.” As Bucky cranked the car, Tony took a deep breath and said, “By the way, I’m bi.”

Bucky flashed him a grin as he turned around in his seat to back up the car. “Nice to meet you, Bi. I’m Bucky.”

“Oh, God,” Tony groaned with a short laugh. “Is that what your parents said to you when you came out?”

“Kind of. When I told my mom I was gay she said, ‘Nice to meet you, Mr. Gay, you look an awful lot like my son Bucky.’”

“Yeah, my parents did not have that reaction,” Tony said with a grimace. His mom had looked confused and cried a little and his dad had locked himself in the office for the rest of the evening, and then they had never really talked about it again. The one time Tony had brought a guy over for dinner his father left on a ‘sudden’ business trip that ended up lasting the whole weekend; Tony had gotten the message after that.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said.

Tony shrugged and looked out the window to avoid the sympathy in Bucky’s eyes. “Not the first time I’ve disappointed my family,” Tony said lightly, flashing a smile he didn’t feel, “and definitely not the last, I’m sure.”

That night Bucky showed Tony how to cook frozen pizza because it had been on sale at the grocery store. Tony was chewing dismally through what tasted like damp cardboard when Bucky came up the stairs from the shop. “Tony? You’ve got a visitor,” he said as he opened the door, and Tony put down the pizza and wiped his fingers on his pants nervously as he stood.

“Oh, Jarvis!” He said in relief. “I didn’t know you were coming. Let me help you.” Jarvis’s hands were full so he took the boxes and bags from him, hurriedly cleaning his cheap thin-crust pizza from the table for him to sit. Jarvis accepted the seat with an almost silent sigh, rubbing his knee a little after the climb up the stairs.

“Would you like something to drink?” Bucky offered from the kitchen, discreetly trying to straighten up the small apartment for their unexpected guest.

“No, thank you, I shan’t be long,” Jarvis offered with a polite smile. “I was just bringing some things for Tony as a housewarming present.”

“Like what?” Tony asked curiously, and started digging through the bags. “Oh my God, you brought me food,” he said with reverence, opening the lid to one of the storage containers and wanting to cry from the smells inside.

“Your mother also sent along some things,” Jarvis said, handing him a small box that was undeniably his mom’s, Tiffany blue and edged in silver.

“Oh.” Tony started to open it and hesitated, then closed the lid. “Thank you.”

“How are you doing?” Jarvis’s hands crossed and he leaned over the table, the lines around his eyes creased with worry. “Howard is being stubborn and pretending that nothing has changed, but the rest of us are worrying.”

“I’m fine,” Tony said, trying to sound fine and not like he was terrified or homesick or lonely. “I like it here. It will be close to my degree program when class starts in the fall.”

“Good. You’ve already sent in your application?”

“It’s not due until February, but I’m not worried.” Kind of a lie. He was a bit worried, but it kind of seemed that a bit worried was just his life now, so what’s one more thing.

Jarvis smiled. “No, I imagine not.” He patted Tony on the shoulder, his knuckles swollen with arthritis. “I can’t stay long, I have dinner plans with Ana, but I did want to say that I’m proud of you for not letting Howard bully you.”

“Thanks, Jarvis. Say hello to Ana for me.” Tony walked Jarvis back to his car and watched him drive away, taking a moment to feel sorry for himself before he headed back up the stairs. He missed Ana and Jarvis with a physical ache; they had been the ones to make the Stark house a home, and he wanted to have that back so badly it hurt. Eventually though, he forced himself to go back up the stairs and help Bucky put the food in the fridge. “Have you eaten?” He asked, cracking the lid on one of the glass dishes. “Want some of this homemade lasagna?”

“You had me at homemade,” Bucky said with a crooked smile and turned to pull a couple of plates out of the cabinets. “Who was that? An uncle? He seemed nice.”

“Old family friend, though I did call him uncle when I was younger. Kind of like Aunt Peggy, but Jarvis is more like a dad than anything else. Better than my real one, most days,” he muttered under his breath, making a face as he put a slice of lasagna on each plate to reheat. “So how was your day?”

After dinner and dishes, Tony debated opening the box from his mother, chewing on his thumb as he studied it. After a moment, though, he put it in the bottom of the closet, not really emotionally ready for whatever was inside; probably some sort of emotional blackmail, like heartfelt letters from his dad when he was young or something. Instead he pulled his laptop out and tried to relax by reviewing his application to the Tanden School, which required a thesis project proposal along with the usual essay. Until recently, he’d been reviewing some of his father’s old scrapped designs with the idea that it would endear the old man to the idea of another doctorate, for all the good that’d done. He’d been particularly excited to work on the arc reactor, hoping to make it more efficient and preferably smaller, but now just looking at the blueprints were making him angry all over again.

With a sigh he set his computer on the floor next to the bed and fell back against the pillows. Out in the living room he could hear Bucky watching a movie and wondered if he’d be imposing if he went out to join him. To be honest, though, he wasn’t sure that he felt like the company anyway, so he rolled over and eventually fell asleep.

#winteriron #tony stark #bucky barnes #tony x bucky #no powers au #prompts #dracusfyre

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eldritchsurveys · 5 years ago

Text

653.

Do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings? >> I do. Outworld, anyway.

Have you ever watched a Sons of Anarchy? >> No.

Do you want to see The Woman In Black? >> I never got around to watching it, it never piqued my interest enough.

Has a random guy ever asked you for your phone number? >> Yes. I’m so glad those days are over.

Has a guy ever pulled over to ask for your number or call you hot? >> Probably.

How attracted are you to the last person that kissed you? >> There is no way in which I am not attracted to Can Calah.

Name something that you are doing tonight. >> Fucking around online.

Are you a jealous person? >> Not in the slightest.

Do you like February? >> I mean, there’s really nothing much to like, per se? It’s not a very interesting month.

Where have you lived throughout your life? >> Quite a few places.

Have you ever known a white supremacist? >> Sure, online. Maybe in meatspace too, if they were covert.

What were you doing an hour ago? >> I was either watching Hannibal or reading my emails.

In regards to who do you think 'what if?'? >> ???

Do you like the smell of a barbecue? >> Sure do.

Do you get excited when you find Sanrio products at Wal-Mart? >> I don’t recall ever having a distinct experience of finding Sanrio products at Walmart. But I don’t imagine it’d surprise me or anything, considering Hello Kitty is a widely distributed brand...

Are you 420 friendly? >> Yes. I can’t really partake because of personal issues, but I support its usage for those who enjoy it.

Do you own a Champion's sport bra? >> No.

Do you watch Justified? >> No.

How many cups of tea of coffee do you have in a day? >> Zero, most of the time. I might have a cup of tea or two if I can manage to get my executive function on board. I love tea but making it is a different story...

Do you own a varsity jacket? >> No.

Dolce Vita or Jeffrey Campbell? >> What?

Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum? >> Ryan Gosling, only because of like. Drive.

Has anyone ever called you apathetic or unemotional? >> Certainly.

Would you rather someone you loved passionately hate you or be indifferent to you? >> I can’t imagine feeling that intensely for someone who doesn’t have any positive feelings towards me whatsoever. It just doesn’t add up for me personally.

Have you read Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre? >> No.

I bet you miss somebody right now? >> Well, you lost that bet.

What are you planning on doing after this? >> Probably check out what’s going on on my dashboard for a bit.

How much money do you spend in a month on clothes or accessories? >> Usually none. I haven’t bought any new wearables since October.

What was the last clothing item you wore that doesn't belong to you? >> Probably some t-shirt of Sparrow’s. We have similar tastes in t-shirts and wear the same size.

Do you watch Jersey Shore? >> No.

Do you have a thing with someone? >> What...

Do you have any bruises on either of your legs? >> No.

Who was the last person to touch your stomach? >> The last person outworld to touch my stomach would have probably been a doctor or something.

Something tragic just happened. Does your facial expression show it? >> I mean, I guess it depends... the flatness of my affect is an ever-changing element.

Who is the cleverest (crafty) person you know? >> *shrug*

Do you think people who know a lot of facts are really smart? >> I think they’re people who have a great ability in retaining information. Which one could argue is a factor in intelligence, I’d imagine.

Do you ever feel like strangers look mad at you? >> Er, sometimes, I guess.

Do you own anything with your state or providence's name on it? >> No.

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? >> Quite often, because people don’t really need or necessarily want to know what I’m thinking all the time?

Do you like the Paranormal Activity movies? >> Never seen them.

How do you like your oatmeal? >> Thick and still chewy, with milk and clarified butter and maple syrup and cinnamon.

Do you have siblings under the age of 12? >> No.

Are you going to any concerts this summer? >> I don’t know what I’m doing this summer, it’s months away.

What do you watch on TV on a Monday? >> So, I don’t watch regular television. Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? Saturday? Sunday?

Is there anything you want that you can't have? >> Sure, like a well-functioning brain.

Does it make you feel better when an ex starts dating someone unattractive? >> ---

How many brick and mortar schools have you attended? >> Like, 12.

How do you feel about opiates? >> I don’t have any feelings about them.

Do you like True Blood? >> God, I loved that show so much. I might rewatch it just because it’s utterly ridiculous and stupid and fun. Also because Lafayette is in it and I have rarely loved a character more than him.

What's your newest perfume? >> ---

What's your favorite perfume? >> I use a roll-on oil that you can buy, like, on the streets in big urban areas. Which makes it hard to get for me. There’s also one of those hippie stores in the mall that sells a roll-on that’s close enough, I guess. But nothing beats the street-vendor version.

Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, or Tom Felton? >> No.

Are you a Hunger Games fan? >> I did like the books.

What's your favorite way to eat peanut butter? >> On toast.

What is the last thing you stole? >> I don’t remember the last time I stole something. I finally quit like 5 years ago or so.

Urban Outfitters or Forever21? >> No.

American Eagle or Macy's? >> Mm.

PacSun or Zumiez? >> Nah.

Can you play any musical instruments? >> Nope.

Do you think Selena Gomez is cute? >> I have no opinion on Selena Gomez.

Do you fall in infatuation easily? >> I don’t fall in infatuation at all.

Who has initiated most of your first kisses? >> ---

Do you have Netflix? >> Yes. Honestly, I’m beginning to hate Netflix, but I keep it for the household (and for our friend that also uses my account).

Do you have a good memory? >> Yeah, it’s fine.

What did you wear to bed last-night? >> Same shit I’m wearing right now.

What gives you anxiety? >> Oh, you know. Stuff.

What's the last movie that really scared you? >> I can’t think of any movie I felt that way about.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing? >> I bought it. Probably at Hot Topic.

Why do some guys take shirtless mirror pictures when they don't have abs? >> Because they fucking want to lmao god

Do you think lines are as good as abs? >> What. Also fuck abs.

Do you like bows? >> I like bowties...

Have you ever made a 'haul' YouTube video? >> No.

Have you ever been to Indiana? >> I’ve rode through it on the way to Chicago.

Do you straighten your hair almost every day? >> No.

What kind of a guy do you imagine when you hear the name 'Tim'? >> I don’t imagine any kind of person.

What brand is starting to invade your closet? >> None.

Have you ever seen those Flapjack cartoons? >> No.

Has a boyfriend ever made you breakfast? >> Sure. Raven did that a lot. He was a good lad.

Do you think all porn stars are whores? >> No. In fact, I don’t think any porn stars are whores, because I think whore is a derogatory term and I have no business calling people that when they’re just trying to make a living doing something they (presumably) enjoy. Just like everyone else.

Would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now? >> No. I also wouldn’t date, period, but. Definitely not a teenager.

Do you like cinnamon bacon? >> I’ve never had it, but it sounds like it might be good.

Do you like Epic Meal Time? >> I’ve never watched it.

Have you ever starved yourself? >> No. I never had the willpower. Which is a good thing, I’d imagine.

What do you gather your change in? >> I don’t get enough change to need a place to put it.

Do you like to play Angry Birds? >> I tried it back when it was popular, but it didn’t stick.

Are you more likely to show affection through your words or your actions? >> Actions.

Would you agree that all love is conditional? >> I mean, it is for me. I can’t say that it is for everyone else because I’m not everyone else and people experience love in all sorts of ways.

Do you listen to Darwin Deez or Birdy? >> No.

Do you think Mac Miller is overrated? >> I don’t even know anything about Mac Miller. Except that he’s dead? I think? Might be confusing him with someone else for all I know.

Do you know who Mac Lethal is? >> No.

Do you like Cheez-Its? >> No.

What color is your so's car? >> Sparrow’s car is silver.

Do you believe in God? >> God just doesn’t really factor into my life most of the time.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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seventeencelcius · 6 years ago

Text

Coffee Shop! Joshua

after a horrible first paper that kicked off your finals season, you headed to your regualr coffee shop to continue studying after the closing hours of your college library

“17 Celcius” was the place you fondly regarded as your second home since you spent most of your time inside

especially when you needed a space to escape from your noisy rommates in the cramp dorm you were staying

you usually went there just before your 8am classes to receive your morning dose of caffeine or for any project discussions, but it was probably a first for you to arrive at this hour

you couldn’t really blame yourself because every time exams was round the corner, you automatically became a zombie by staying up all night studying and crashed in the afternoon while powering your night with additional zcoffee

while it was not unusual for you stay up late, your roomates had an issue since you were the one the kind who acted up as they studied,

which was sort of creepy to listen to when someone was trying to sleep so they ‘unofficially’ kicked you out of the dorm unless you were actually back to, you know, sleep

luckily for you, this place was opened 24 hours with the owner’s intention to attract college students who had a messed up sleeping schedule

or even to those who had their hearts broken at an odd hour and needed some warm hot chocolate to mend their soul

it was the cafè’s one and only policy to serve any customer without any questions asked regardless of the time and their appearance

having a sweeter tooth, you usually leaned toward drinks such as a caramel latte and a mocha

however, you already had a shitty enough day from pretty much flunking your test despite how much you had studied the week before and the stress from seemingly not being prepared enough for your other subjects

with those thoughts constantly running through your mind, you had forgotten to grab your wallet you had left on the library table

you could only pray hard that you could still find it in the morning since it was already closed by the time you remembered

you only had a few loose change to spare after digging around your tote bag but thankfully, it accumulated enough to get you the cheapest beverage on the menu - a black coffee

butter drinks weren’t exactly your favourite but you had to suck it up

you desperately needed that fix of caffeine to continue studying or you would have collapsed from fatigue in no given time

furthermore, the environment from the cafe was much better than the silent library

with the occasional sound from the coffee beans being grounded and roasted made it lively even with the lack of customers

you barely paid attention to the cash register as you dropped the amount to the cashier’s hands and muttered out your name

exhaustation was evident on your face and your mind was genuinely worn out from the amount of things you had to memorize for your upcoming tests

whoever was in the college exam board, you hated them with your entire heart, mind, body and soul

geez who in their right mind thought it would he a great idea to schedule all your exams back to back?!?!

pulling an all nighter for the last few days was seriously driving you mad and you felt that you couldn’t even hold a proper conversation without spitting out some theory in between

to add on to your frustration, none of yourlecturers were being helpful whenever you took the liberty to email them questions

what came back to you was usually “check the previous slides” or “I’m taking a break, contact me again at xxxx”

you couldn’t wait for finals to be over so you could be a normal, functioning human being again

a notification from your phone caught your attention and by the time you skimmed the first few lines, you were on the verge of a mental breakdown

you were close to hyperventilating as your palms become clammy

it was an email from the college board to notify all full scholarship holders that should they not reach the minimum requirements of 3.5 GPA for finals, their scholarship will immediately be revoked

you really didn’t need to be reminded by this constant nightmare and it felt as if your demons were closing in one b-

“Here’s your order. Enjoy!”

for a moment you panicked since it was accustomed for the barista to call your name and for you to collect your order, yet here this person was bringing it all the way to your secluded corner where your tower of lecture notes seemed to be covering your frame

“i didn’t order any of this???? Wasn’t it supposed to be a black coffee?”

glancing downwards, a chocolate chip cookie deocrated your table along with a drink that was clearly too milky to be a black coffee

also definitely more than $3 you paid for

you begin panicking when you looked up at the barista because were you THAT sleep deprevied that you somehow gave the wrong order??

your pupils dilated even more when your line of vision moved upwards, immediately distracted by the person infront of you

this was totally the worst day of your life

here was the probably the most handsome person you had ever laid your eyes on and you looked like you haven’t sleep in days with your panda eyebags and the hoodie you slept in

if looks could kill, you would probably be death by now

& wow if you were still alive, you were going to put a drink recommendation in the suggestion box called: Death by chocolate cause those eyes of his were more than just mesmerizing

considering you were a regular gere, thsi worker was most likely someone who only worked the midnight shift,

you guessed you needed to bug your friend who also worked here, Seungcheol, to know of his name

“oh, you looked like you needed it. don’t worry, it’s on the house. have strength and just endure a little more!”

you never deemed yourself as a particularly emotional person

sure there was the occasional outburst when you watched Hachiko or when Peter K. confessed love to Lara Jeans in To All The Boys I’ve Lived Before

but this, this was something else.

you didn’t know what struck you but you started crying

you would like to think it was because this situation too much for you to handle since you weren’t familiar with kindess during this bleak period of time known as exam season

yes, crying in an empty coffee shop at 1:15AM with the cute as heck barista standing right next to you

you had your fair shares of meltdowns in public before but most of the time, the crowd would just ignore you, with the belief that everyone goes through a hard time anyways so there wasn’t a need to pause their lives just to comfort a complete stranger

truth to be told, you thought the cute barista would just bolt through the entrance and call 911 or be like everyone else by giving your the cold shoulder treatment

to your surprise, you felt a warm hand patting your head before moving down to gently stroke your back in a rhythmic yet tender movement

“you will feel better after crying it all out.”

hearing his voice gave you more than just confort but you sought solace in both his words and presence

“i’m sorry *sniffs* e-exams ar-re jut ... so hard right now ..... i’m gonna fa—il and not-ot make it .... in my life ...”

the barista called your name, making you divert your full attention to him and tbh you were wondering how did he even know your name until you remembered you were the one who gave it when you ordered your drink lol

“you’re doing fine and I know you’re trying your best right now. That’s what most important.”

those words were all you needed for a smile to crack up and for your spirits to be lifted up

maybe what you needed all this while was an acknowledgement from others, to know that your hard work wasn’t going nowhere and that someone can see how much effort you are putting

“those are on the house so have faith in yourself and enjoy what you are doing!”

his encouragement had you lifting the corner of your lips to form a smile

sighing, you were sure the barista was only being nice to you because based on the fact that he looked like your age, he probably understood what you were going through and pitied you right from the start

to avoid being a food, you didn’t dare to think much about the encounter when you thanked him at the counter, cheeks reddened from your earlier outburst

you stuttered when you struggled with what to call him because you were rather embarrassed by the nickname of ‘cute barista’ you labelled him

“jisoo, but I usually let the people I like call me joshua so you can call me that.”

his twinkling eyes paired with that dangerously sweet smile of his took you off guard for a second

you had to shyly looked away to organize your thoughts because pray god that you weren’t interpreting this situation the wrong way

thanking him again with his name this time, you told him you will drop by to pay him back so won’t owe him anything

instead, he smiled and asked you to give him a second so he could tell how you could repay your ‘debt’

while you remained confused, joshua took one of the napkins sitting on the counter and scribbled something down before passing it to you

it had his number written neatly with a:

“i only work the midnight shift, you can repay the debt by going on a date with me :)”

#seventeen #seventeen fanfic #seventeen scenarios #joshua hong #hong jisoo #seventeen joshua #joshua fanfiction #joshua scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen fluff #kpop fanfiction #kpop fluff #seventeen fanfiction #svt #admin cinnamon roll #joshua #kpop scenarios

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acioo · 6 years ago

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MASTERLIST OF 1000 VERSE IDEAS ! ( 2 / 2 )

under the cut are exactly 1000 verse tag ideas under the following categories: brotp, enemies, exes, fwb, otp, parents, siblings, toxic relationship, unrequited, & wanted connection with exactly 100 tag phrases per each one. please like or reblog this if you found it helpful !

BROTP :

you ask if i think it’ll hurt like this forever

we’re not those kind of kids

one can’t function without the other

people are good at heart

the kids with no religion

nobody hates the truth like we do

endless dumb fun

they turned her into a nightmare so i’m going to be theirs

for her i can try to be human

we are syrup in coffee and hands that bite

more than friendship but less than dating

we make the king scream for mercy

extensions of each other

all the gods, heavens, and hells are within you

this time we are not afraid

we win because we do not know how to lose

we will be monsters alone in this world with only each other

you look at me with this heady mixture of awe and love and bottomless trust

a sweaty summertime tangle of lips

our nights are perfumed in obsession

he’s lighting a cigarette even though he would never let you touch one

i took care of that thing for you

let them remember me

the only one who really knows anymore

all you have to do is ask

the best at making me feel better

piggeypack rides & inside jokes

living in each other’s back pocket

the impractically rebellious & the impractically kind

the best thing that’s ever happened to me

all you need is love

i will remember. will you?

i like you more than i planned

but we hold on

i love you inside & out

best friends with an idiot

not used to people sticking around when things get bad

here comes trouble

sitting on the library floor

sending out emails for the cult meeting

strange women society

making forests quiver

my one kin

where i go you go

our meeting was bad for society

a true friend & hot piece of ass

to a fading friend

a dynamic duo

then we fight together

don’t tell anyone the big bad wolf is a puppy in disguise

ideas that seemed good at three am

i know i’m a shit friend but oh god i’m trying

the gang screws the government

dead boys club

friends can break your heart too

can’t stop us

there is thunder in our hearts

bro homie man calm down

bored & covered in paint with an idea

i could be your family

we can be heroes

teenage feelings

i can’t live without you

i want to be loved but don’t feel like i deserve it

don’t give up! you’ll be great someday

i tolerate you

who made you think you weren’t worth it

if we fall we fall together

we are the kids you can never kill

we hurt & burn & bloom

friends that became family

alive by spite alone

as long as we don’t die this is going to be one hell of a story

local dumbasses knew what they were getting into but did anyway

just children thrust into war

it’s like being friends with a five year old child who’s also an alcoholic

double trouble

i’m pretty cool but also i cry a lot

unity ; standing together as one

you’re pretty neato

in the end you’re my very best friend

just get in the fucking blanket fort

oh for fuck’s sake here we go again

please don’t leave me like the rest

something about you made me feel alive

sitting on a rooftop at two am & talking about life

whatever you do you’re still my best friend

i’d do anything to keep you safe

so what are you doing this weekend?

let’s be miserable together

trouble usually finds us

my annoying best friend

i’d do anything to make it up to you

all we have is now

down for whatever

we’re good at surviving

death doesn’t discriminate

you suck less than most people

platonically calls you babe

so i did a stupid thing again

ENEMIES :

better him than me

always ready to argue with you

the only thing that comes easily is the anger

laughing at your worthless jokes

awe-inspiring & ferocious & terrible

hell is other people

the game was getting a little old

plenty of monsters know how to play at being human

dream on fucker

you and me now! for worse or for better

she tears at my lungs

still working on going to hell

tangle them in bedsheets & take their heart

stop brewing up wicked things

fucking unbelievable

are you done yet?

you should be scared of me

the problem is you

monsters aren’t meant to live happily ever after

testing my patience

leave or die

this a warzone

give me a break

can you take a punch?

let my thorns prick your fingers

made of threats

you were an iceberg & i had no lifeboat

fighting & fucking

see you in hell

sinking my talons into your neck

bang bang you’re dead

keeping you at a distance

a fire blazing between us

i will taste the copper tang of your dying breaths

don’t growl at the wolf

the only thing she makes me feel anymore is rage

try to scare me, i dare you

what does it take to make you angry?

you are dumb and an ass: dumbass

sorry you evil prick

you look like shit

a lifelong rivalry

please stop talking

seeing them brings only pain

i’ll swallow my blood before i swallow my pride

i choose violence over peace

stupidity isn’t cute

i’m not cutting myself up for you again

sometimes hearts are vacant

i can’t stand a mess of a person

no enemy is safe

using poetry in a street fight

i don’t care if you burn

i tried to be kind

rot in hell

you want battle? i’ll give you war

hate spitting out of each other’s laugh

choose your last words this last time

not to sound bitter

true evil is above all things seductive

basically i’m a badass / basically he’s a moron

i hope the halo burns when i shove it down your throat

we should really have angry sex sometime

i liked your nose before

allergic to you

he’s not a monster, just a villain

stop making others suffer for your personal hatred

aren’t we all sinners

am i an asshole?

i’m going t hell anyways

do not tell me what i can and can’t do

you don’t know shit about me

they paid the price

you underestimate my power

an eye for an eye

people are poison

wanted: dead or alive

as mad as a dad in traffic

to make out with you or kill you

martyr me i dare you

i hate you more than you hate yourself

please stop framing me for murder i didn’t do that one

do not touch me

sorry you’re an asshole

throwing rocks evolving to throwing insults

asshole of the year & competition

you tried to cross the wrong person

if i’m cute when i’m angry you must find my phenomenal

done being a brat yet?

you are the villain of this story

bringing a murderous rage

an abomination among us

everything about you is wrong

i’ll be nicer if you’ll be smarter

gay judgement

some people should get punched in the face

better than you

a strange game of chess with only two royals

what doesn’t kill me might make me kill you

pain is but fuel to my rage

EXES :

suddenly we are strangers again

we deserve a soft epilogue

you changed everything

she didn’t realize she was saying goodbye

we are good people and we have suffered enough

it’s never been rustier

the people you love don’t stay dead

healing takes time

maybe it was the timing or the toxicity or the lifetime

you haunt me

your relationship will one day dazzle a psychologist

suddenly, everything is okay again

you say you hate him (but it’s so clear on your face)

i know i’ll see your face again

still overthinking why he stopped caring about you

when i think of january i think of you

everything is just so wrong!

part of why you can’t trust men

sorry to my unknown lover

i forgot just why i left you

he doesn’t believe in anyone but himself

he never saw himself the way i saw him

they haunt her dreams

she now knows the trouble of underestimating troublemakers

i’d hold her like she was china instead of plastic and she’d get oh so bored

somebody always has to love more

being apart from your soulmate hurts

i hope you’re thinking of me

you will always fall in love

our love did not know how to die quietly

if memories could bleed, if dreams could scream

taste of broken trust

we have fallen a long way

your love should be unconditional for one person or nothing at all

the devil’s love song is for the rest of her kind, not for you

all the signs screamed stop, but we could not see them

i see you holding hands and i feel angry

i’d give anything for you to hold me one last time

now i’m alone in the dust

if you ever fall in love again please fall in love with me

i don’t want us to be strangers again

still looking as good as i left you

i can’t find you in the body sleeping next to me

losing her was different from the usual pain

you couldn’t patch up the holes in his heart

i’m sorry for coming in and fucking up your life

you wonder if you knew him once ; you cannot remember

the world doesn’t stop for any of us

love is but a neurological con job

not heartbroken

no more love notes

love will tear us apart

you made me think i was good

girlfriend from hell

i don’t know if you noticed but i’m long gone

left in the dust with the taste of broken trust

the people i’ve left & the ones that i kept

send my love to your new lover

you know you should have stayed

we really cared for each other

do you still think of us

your name is synonymous with hurt

it still hurts

she didn’t learn how to love early enough

i hope hurting me haunts you for years

i feel sick when i remember how i opened up for you

loving you has fucked me up

you don’t fall until it’s over

i miss you so much it hurts me every day

you both think the other is staring at the ground

it always gets worse before it gets better

he isn’t coming back you thought

all the sparks were gone

i should hate you

you chose to burn me

sometimes endings are made of teary eyes & the saddest of smiles

i never really got to say goodbye

you used to call me baby

maybe one day i’ll feel nothing

me so sorry

you broke my fucking heart

who said i stopped loving you?

picking up the mess you left behind

the boy who broke her heart is the only one who can make it feel whole again

you tried to love me & i tried to let you

what i do isn’t up to you anymore

what’s a soulmate to a rebel?

it was never like that

what if your heart’s a liar?

what was i supposed to do?

accepting the love we think we deserve

maybe i’ll meet you in another life

she could’ve been your moon but you were focused on dimly lit stars

stay i whispered as you shut the door behind you

i don’t want anyone else to ever touch you

we outgrew each other in angry uncoordinated ways

you left & the world kept going

a letter to the boy who stole me

this thing was a masterpiece before you tore it all up

she’s no longer your girl

FWB :

him and his pale long fingers tangled in your hair

same kiss & lips ; never the same touch

his cold lips against your neck

slender fingers on your upper thigh

nothing sets you off like how you want him

free sex training lessons

can’t differentiate between lips & hearts anymore

his mouth is your confessional

he’d never let anything real happen

what we do is secret

this is no longer safe ground

“ my parents aren’t home ”

the only legacy we’ll leave is the graffiti beneath the high school bleachers

we are the avoiders

just us ; you find out

desired but never loved

you lost track of the rules

you taste like sunshine

it’s so different when we wake up

thrill chill fulfill me

with both of his hands, his eyes, his mouth

star-crossed knuckles at breakfast time

marking you the darkest shade of red

she’s the breathe on the back of your neck

i draped her thighs over my shoulders and drank

the kiss was a one time thing

the possibility is electric

the lie: it doesn’t mean anything

chapstick that started on someone else’s lips

and i keep waking up in your bed

it was supposed to be just once

is it the alcohol or the taste of him

she tastes like every dark thought i’ve ever had

she touches you like you're fragile

he tastes how he sounds: honeyed and warm

countless one-night stands

we say that it is just sex but it’s getting blurry

my heart is too big just for one of you

i’ll seduce you with interesting scientific facts

shining every night

our chaos is what sets us apart

no feelings he said

passionate as a sin

we keep telling ourselves that nothing is happening

just friends don’t kiss like that

i’m in like, she’s in love

me you and the moon

two girls one bed

this sort of lust isn’t allowed

the signs scream do not touch

her gaze is too gentle for your hard fingers

we didn’t get the chance to get past that bed

you’re in my veins, you fuck

it hurts ; lusting after the lion boy

vulnerable and yet still strong

touching everything but her heart

we don’t speak besides assurances

i taste good & bad in you

we call this bravery

this started as friends

drinking her in

lost in translation

maybe i asked for too much

what’s love to a fuckboy

i’ve never even kissed you

yes but only because you asked

they were a poem in four parts

go somewhere with me

you are my two am thoughts

please don’t use me i am broken

eat me! love me! consume me! devour me!

be a slut do whatever you want

feelings of detachment

there’s more where that came from

you are what i desire

you already know how this is going to end

sexual history: often

catching feelings like a disease

don’t get attached

send nudes

everyone winds up kissing the wrong person

gets turned on by danger

i bruise like a peach & i’m twice as sweet

the warmest light is your body

that's fucked up but i like it

that’s gross! (unless you’re up for it?)

gay hooligans

i will gladly slam you against a wall and make out with you

suck my dick written in pretty calligraphy

a best friend who occasionally gives you orgasms

you look cute when i’m doing you

in the gay way

come over and eat what my mom made

i want to respectfully have sex with you

seducing you with interesting science facts

teasing you is what i’m best at

i know what i want & i’m gonna get it

desired but never loved

can we just be strangers again

do you feel like a young god

OTP :

love her, but leave her wild

i lived to love, my darlings

you are my sunshine

tell me i’m good for you

you’re my mess

of all the things my hands have held you are the best

it was like loving the sun

how sweet it is to be loved by you

he makes you feel like when you were at the top of a hill and your bike’s brakes stopped working

the overwhelming desire to kiss

i want to hold hands & waste time with you

i wanna spend the rest of my sunsets with you

we loved with a love that was more than love

i want to be in your arms

your heart could fill an ocean

a love that is not easily buried

you love like the world ending

i find your laughter in the softness of humanity’s neck

i want to explore haunted houses with you

no one’s made my heart beat this fast before

i’ll steal you the moon

sometimes i feel like i’m going to collapse under the weight of your eyes

you understand now why they lost their minds

heaven’s a place on earth with you

he loved you like he discovered fire

did my heart love till now?

your smile lifted the world off of me

i care what you think

a love that makes the god’s jealous

you can only think of his name

no butterflies in my stomach: just shooting stars & supernovas

please i beg quietly don’t give up on me yet

known as something the star’s made

a roaring war when you touch

in her kiss i taste the revolution

the thoughts of him kick drum your veins

touching him feels like a leap of faith you didn’t know you had

tangled in each other

the lies & truth of love

people can read it in your eyes & how you hold each other

he makes you immediately sober up

making your blood tremble with something you don’t understand

he loves you so much more than you do

just kiss me again

one love two mouths

i fell in love with a heart that beats so slow

holding moonlight in your hands

i wanna come home to you

you don’t ever have to go

kiss me like you miss me

fuck you’re beautiful

that star reminds me of you

acknowledging the bad, embracing the good, & growing

my whole sky craves an island of tenderness

she was the moon & i was the stars ; our sky was glorious

he’s not just a boy and that scares me to death

sunlit lovers

spilling like honey from our lips

way too in love

my first & last love

she is what keeps me going

only a fool for you

you’re my future

love comes slyly like a thief

3rd base is when they see you having an anxiety attack

wrapped in your arms i felt like everything could be okay

you have the sweetest soul i have ever seen

i’ll suck your dick if you take your meds

grab the monet & let’s gogh

and i’d choose you ; in a hundred lifetimes, worlds, any version of reality

in the end they died

tragic backstories & height difference

may we meet again

in love with an idiot

you’re so weird (don’t change)

i love you fucker

wanna go to hell together

finger guns but like with emotional attachment and a lot of love

you’re a disaster wanna date

lonely for only you

i can’t believe you’re real

you’ve shown me the light

i wasn’t even looking when i found you

i always think about you

my partner my soldier my fault

worth your weight in gold

my favorite piece of art

we deserve happy

i’ve always belonged to you

great things take time

baby be my lollipop

he was pretty cute for a monster

stopping time one kiss at a time

can’t meet your soulmate if you don’t makeout with strangers

take me back to the night we met

you complete me

soulmates aren’t just lovers

a montage of love

when is a monster not a monster? when you love it

loving you because of & despite the bad

PARENT :

please stop destroying what is left of your heart

laying on the roof of your ‘97 pontiac

he inherited his mother’s charm

knowing how it feels to be cast away

they say: you’re a little too much for me

daddy issues written on your forehead

cosmically impossible

who would want a kid like me?

a letter to my daughter

please don’t give up on me

repeat after me: everything will be okay

her father’s daughter

blood of warriors

anxiously waiting to call that line

a bad childhood doesn’t equal a bad life

we’ve made it this far

her mother cried the day she was born

we didn’t think the monsters could ever be like us

even though there were tears there were tissues too

fearless children who love the light

they forced her into greatness

she calls her parents by their names

i will love you & love you & love you

wasn’t working well from the starter

so afraid of an empty nest

are you proud of me, mama? papa?

inherited her mother’s black anger

a figure in the distance, a movie reel of old pictures

everything my mother prayed i wouldn’t be, i became

you taught me so many things about myself didn’t know

i never did learn much of anything from my mother

the wolf in this fairy tale

loved the point of madness

master of fate

raise hell, kid

he came out of the womb like hannibal sacking rome

didn’t your mother ever tell you not to leave a good thing waiting

to love to the point of madness

when i was just a little girl, i asked my mother, “what will i be?”

he loved her more than his whole life

when will i be good enough for you?

it’s all good when i have you by my side

maxing out daddy’s credit cards

i took nine months to form your heart, do not let anyone break it in seconds

mother says there are locked rooms inside all women

my poor mother begged for a sheep but raised a wolf

every place my mother prayed i wouldn’t go, i went

mother, know, i have pasts inside me i did not bury properly

mother never taught me that just because someone desires you doesn’t mean they value you

born with a thick skull

the people who were supposed to love you more than anyone in this world

spoken to with corporate coldness or demonic tongues

parents who loved them the way we once loved angry gods, leaving offerings and praying for gentle winters

birthed in the form of cherry blossoms

hiding from their dark clouds, boarding up the shutters

kid, you’ve got to love yourself

what came first: humans or despair?

legacy was more important than anything

a lonely child born to lonely parents

it feels so scary getting old

i’m but my mother’s daughter & because of this i can do anything

my parents strength & anger lives in me

original family disappointment

sorry i’m a shit daughter

i love you baby

please come home (i hope you’re okay)

demonic possession & daddy issues

fight for her

just like her father

until every last galaxy dies you have me

which to ask forgiveness for: what am i or what i’m not

i will always stay with you

family first

fairytale childhood

those raised in glass houses

daughter of smoke & bone

one love one house

to die knowing your life was my life’s best part

gay on my mother’s side

nobody’s ever going to love me this much

a collection of horrible people

using “heir” like we are in a shakespearean play

cursing me with happiness

following a set of unwritten rules

this was not the boy they used to know

it just made him kind

to have a precious few people back

you hurt. it’s okay, i hurt too

thank you for always being there for me

was that a compliment?

she was overpraised as a child

better / not bitter

somebody somewhere cares

the oldest or coolest person on earth

fuck you dad

i’m so very proud of you & how hard you’re trying

thank you to someone who always saw the best in me

it ends or it doesn’t

i swear i’m trying my best

they could never see eye to eye

SIBLING :

comparing the twin scars on our forearms

let’s run away together

i love you even though i shouldn’t

two types of the same fool

well used to tragedy

merry band of weirdos

to my siblings: please stop

hurt my sibling & i will kill you

broken dreams club

world’s okayest sister

future cellmate

a force to be reckoned with

your smile lifted the world off me

don’t even think of touching her

a good bro

we may not have had a lot but we had each other

the scorned brother & the only one to make it still

the one with it all

you think you deserved the pain but you didn’t

i can’t remember who the dead one is anymore

i love you / you are not alone / you are daylight

it makes me so mad that they did that to you (and me)

she holds up my sky

always together

i am aware of who you are and what you do

i’m coming for all the monsters that ever touched him

we have blood made of gods and heroes

take back our skin

six am sunrise shining down on us

take back our streets

it’s time to tear their castle down

you don’t know what it’s like to not be wanted

built on the same pretty lie

we learned the truth too late

as golden as they come

no matter what i have you

a drop dead moron

together they’re a fucking hurricane

sour milk children who hiss and spit in father’s eyes

burning down the streets we used to roam

entitled to financial compensation for all this drama

neverending bickering

you used to be so kind

“ even her mugshots were cute “

we have claws for a reason

not mature enough for this

he tried to make everything okay (but he failed)

raised to give themselves a reason to be prideful

they only inherited the same sad eyes

born into needless wealth

carbon copies of one another

sometimes… i can’t even recognize you

the only person that appreciates the irony of legacies like her

the looks she gives him when she sees how he’s tearing himself apart is too much

together they paint an imagined picture of their long gone parents

we were only ever told how to tumble not how to fly

we trust the siren song to call us home

born into the silver of the moon

we are not like the others

i like being alive at the same time as you

your voice is the only answer to my problems

thank you for loving me through it all

if your life must be a battle, don’t fight it alone

promise you’ll come back for me?

never fall for one of them

our old man is a bad man

we’ve all got our secrets

billionaire boys club

sorry i’ve been mean

afraid together

rich girls don’t have hearts

everything is changing

don’t tell them i killed my old self

watch your fucking language little one

why are you always so mean to me

mayhem caused

born to think like martyrs

i’ll find the bad dreams off if they come to get you

something that happened a long time ago and continues to affect us today

there’s nothing wrong with being different

an unremembered bond

don’t touch him

remember you can’t save everyone ; but have to try

no longer making our parents proud together

a golden cage is still a cage

surrounded by idiots

where’s all the time that heals

the hippies

like realizing stuff

you were alone before they left you

please don’t leave me

we met evil when we were only children

the kids with the big big plans

why the fuck do you put up with me?

i feel at home with you

have you seen her?

fighters but not by choice ; by heart

not totally useless, possibly a bad example

star child are you listening? i died that day

i might be an asshole but i’m your favorite asshole

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP :

every time she knocks i can’t help but let her in

in these empty church halls religion shifts and turns and blurs

you feed me small bits of your petrified heart

our love is a monster

lulling me to a hundred year slumber with your kiss

love from the lips of people who don’t understand such a thing

just pretending you don’t know he’s going dark again

a love that’s not easily buried

you were never a saint: i loved in shades of wrong

dipped my hands in holy water just to touch her

they wanted you to save them first

i don’t have any more control

how do you still love me after i’ve broken you

he doesn’t feel anything much less love

you have to let me go

make an altar of this stolen flesh

i love you even with your hands around my throat

i call her the devil cos she makes me want to sin

at least it’s something

these violent delights have violent ends

you were crying, but it was beautiful

i will never know who you were supposed to be

the crazy kind of love

pretending to forget how our scars got there

when love kills

he’s suffocating you but you don’t want to breathe

i will make you crumble to the ground

my heart beats in starts until the spell is broken

there’s a body lying next to him

just let me cry a little longer

i did not know desire does not mean value

killing each other with toy guns

it was a lesson in listening to your head over your heart

i wanted too much and you wanted too little

we weren’t meant for each other

he’s bleeding out

you filled up where used to be empty but only with black

you made me lose my softness

the ones who like me the most are always bad

they threw each other to the wolves

we pretend this works

you say my eyes are getting too dark now (boy, look at my mind)

someone could love you more

you’re my today & tomorrow & i am your yesterday

something about you makes me want to do things i shouldn’t

you taught me how to love wrong

you watch her crumble under the weight of your sins

maybe you were the poison and not the cure

loving him was your destruction

you don’t know why you jumped after her

you always tasted like blood a little too damn much

cities fell when you left me

you make my heart shake bend & break but i can’t turn away

i may not know what love is but i know this isn’t it

it’s easier to destroy something you love than let it leave

did you ever really love me at all?

oh god i am bleeding oh god i am bleeding oh go

i don’t want to be alone

why did you clip my wings

this is breaking my heart

you made me cry you fuck

self destructive tendencies aren’t a relationship quality

i’m a bad influence but damn i’m fun

fear makes the wolf look bigger

don’t believe his lies

not everyone you lose is a loss

i’m so scared loving you was the only good thing i ever did

you still feel like home

i love you (not delivered)

set a fire down in my soul

heartbreak is not beautiful

i should have trusted my trust issues

kiss the boys and make them die

i think i need you because you don’t need me

they broke the wrong parts of me

i could tear you apart if i wanted

we both wish this was better

and in the end all i learned was how to be strong alone

this destruction will be your rebirth

so the poem hurt you (it was supposed to)

he looks at you like your his entire world

i’m an entire person not a vague concept you dreamt

a perfect match but sadly matches burn

never fucking good enough

loving you could be so fun if i wasn’t so blue and you weren’t so numb

i call your name but it’s fading

you were nothing before you met me

everything i didn’t say

this girl wasn’t like wildfire — she was wildfire

it hurts

teenage tragedy

please could you be tender

a wolf will never be a pet

always disappearing on me

nothing ever ends poetically

why do i still love you?

we are the monsters

am i the villain in your story?

i’m sorry i stabbed you. i love you.

i can’t do this anymore

UNREQUITED :

i’ve fallen in love with someone who can’t be reached

cosmically impossible

just one kiss would solve it all

you’re looking at me how you used to before i broke your heart

what do you know of loneliness? of heartbreak? of biting your tongue to draw blood?

i could never regret meeting you

you don’t even realize how amazing you are

the story still ends

you’re all that’s left for me

i’m so glad someone so beautiful exists at all

i can’t ever believe that anyone ever really starts to fall in love with me

even though you want to speak you say nothing

you want to ask if he meant it when he kissed you

something hurt in you the same way rainclouds hurt before they break open

i’ve been in love with you for so long

unable to stop worrying what she’ll say when she finds out

no proof & one touch

killing me silently

god you hated me or hated that you loved me at least

an insatiable desire

i don’t want to be your friend i want to kiss your neck

the ones you love become ghosts inside you

can’t shake the memory of the summer you stomped my heart out

time doesn’t fucking heal anything

i just needed you to know once

never enough

you sit there & your tongue is tied

the best i can do is a fake smile & dead eyes

maybe one day i’ll stop thinking about you

give me a try

god grant me serenity to not destroy myself with want for this boy

i yearn for her to see past the veil

your glance lingers too long

please look away ; you are too much

a warmth i am too numb to feel

i just don’t want to get hurt

like pandora’s box

a love that makes the moon blush

you don’t have to say anything

our lips do not cannot never will touch

if they don’t come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed, make enough coffee for yourself alone

is it just that you’re not good enough

when he leaves you stay behind like always

she said i love you so damned much, just not like that

the world around you is all knives and chipped teeth and she is too soft to not save

you could never hold her like she deserved

i never needed anyone (until you)

in dreams i meet you in warm conversation

to bathe in one’s own blood

i’ve never felt more alone

we wake in lonely beds in different cities

i probably couldn’t live with or without her now

like a sun is trying to escape me

you consume me

if i told you i loved you what would you say

eventually but not today i think it will stop hurting

i’m drowning myself in alcohol when i really want to drown myself in you

i always think about you

i can’t imagine not loving you anymore

i’ll be your slaughterhouse

i don’t want realism, i want magic

i loved the idea of you more

how to unlove someone

i love everything you hate about yourself

the truth is i’m in love with you

i woke up wanting to kiss you

in a room full of art i’d still stare at you

you made me forget myself

there was just something about you that made me feel special

warning: you must fall in love with me

platonically hurting hands / burning

this bed was fit for two

treat her better

does she hold on to you the way i used to?

i just want to pretend

you make me feel lonely & loved at the same time

holding onto your call

i’m sorry that i fell in love tonight

i can barely breathe

maybe if my heart stopped beating it wouldn’t hurt so much

still sleeping like we’re lovers

maybe it wasn’t you but the idea of you

there’s nothing i can do except bury my love for you

it was all fun and games until i fell in love

you’re looking through me & i can’t see past you

you’re never gonna love me so what’s the use

you hurt me so why the fuck am i apologizing

somebody catch my breath

learning to live without you

please don’t say you love me

my love for you was never much of a choice at all

meeting you felt like wandering into a dream

i’m sorry i couldn’t hold myself back anymore

this is me letting you go

just waiting to feel your touch

living with a shattered heart is hard

you can’t love a legend

i know what we are & what we are not

all that’s left are echoes

my memories were loud enough to drown the silence

WANTED CONNECTION :

you want them to fill the void in your heart

you want them to take away the emptiness

you want them to make you feel complete

i can feel it under my skin

i might really become somebody someday

we are in daylight now

too rich & divine

a whole universe in my mind

a wildness in you

desire is the kind of thing that eats you and leaves you starving

full of heartache and poetry

i am worthy and powerful

we do not perish

let us be reborn in the morning light

her eyes are closed

someone will strike a match on it and they’ll explode

they have something bad inside of them

hurricanes of thoughts

some quality content

desire washes over in waves

the beauty that is yet to come

six feet deep

i cannot afford luxuries like rest anymore

this body's a curse

it’s a great day for being sad

love is love is love

partners in crime

a short story on indiscretion

even a curse sounds holy

biting down upon my lips

a queen’s rise

the words that burn my life

an amorphous kind of reality

your life was a long line of fine

like hell you’re doing that

not violent or malicious: a result

softness as a shield

he can’t fake that

begging for a second of time

thank you for your interest in a life full of pain

please try again & again & again

the person you were & the person you became

no maps of the change

the right way to fall in love

can we just live in the moment?

living life on a line

an ex-almost

my braveheart

it’s always more with you

stay alert & stay alive

come on baby light my fire

ballpark music

am i making sense?

coming out of my cage and i’ve been doing just fuck

everybody knows i’m a mess

murder! intrigue! sex! drugs! classics!

forget about it

you still hurt

do not go gentle into the good light ; rage rage against the dying light

i don’t want to relate to anyone

we should talk

we will be gods

don’t forget me

water in vodka bottles

taking trains to nowhere in particular

say you love satan

just trying to not get arrested again

in the sewers again

the devil’s music

who’s going to stop me?

a date in hell

only the good die young

survivor riddled with arrows

i have seen the future

talk to me (i’m scared to speak)

drive him wild with hints that you know when he will die

are you afraid of yourself?

you are necessary i need you

i like you more than i planned

the sun will come up

i got by own back

help the ghost find his past life

sent here to make shit worse

and all i loved i loved alone

survival mode is not meant to be how you live

your thoughts kill you, don’t they?

as far as anyone knows you do not feel anything

i am so in love (please do not break my heart)

i hope you know how loved you are

fifteen minutes late with starbucks

alluring like wildfire and summer storms

wake up

not afraid to heal

don’t panic

i took care of that thing for you

i made me

midday criss not midlife crisis

just survive somehow

what are some of the ways you’ve died?

the hero of this story

#rph #masterlist #rpt #tag inspo #tag masterlist #mine: masterlist #ml

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