#most characters do have playlists dedicated to them though!

[asheanon]

🎵 Song Challenge

share at least 5 songs that you associate with or remind you of your muse.

Lorien

Viva La Vida - Coldplay (cover by David Garrett)

East Province (Riding) - Minako Adachi

Per Te - Josh Groban

Io Ti Penso Amore - David Garrett (feat. Nicole Scherzinger)

The Gravel Road - James Newton Howard

Sal

Interstellar - Main Theme - Hans Zimmer (cover by Patrick Pietschmann)

Paperdress - Leaf

The Walk - Imogen Heap

Believe - Tales Of The Forgotten

Telescope - Starset

Tagged by: @rcsetorn (Thank you for the tag! Wasn't sure who you'd like me to roll with here, so I provided some tunes for both Lorien and Sal!) 💕

Tagging: @vinjaryou, @oomerkabaoo, @daffodilzae, @moroaica-vamp, @danthekickingman (or any of your dudes if they haven't been tagged yet!) @psychobind (feel free to do Wagnas or Kuja!) and whoever else has a muse/OC of choice they may like to get a little musical with! 🎵💜

[starsstuddedsky]

What? Like It’s Hard?

gn reader x soonyoung

summary: With the help of a little bit of bleach, Soonyoung is certified legally blonde–complete to last minute-dedication to scoring as high as Elle Woods on the LSAT. While he has no interest in law school, he’s notorious for never turning down a dare. So how does a frat bro in serious danger of failing his senior year get a 179? He asks the smartest person he knows. 

Or, studying for a law test has never seen this much chemistry.

genre: fluff, angst, non-idol au, uni au, friends to lovers, opposites attract

warnings: swearing, drinking, food, arguing, a couple sex jokes, one spicy scene at the end but no actual smut, refusal to acknowledge feelings, what's the word for beyond oblivious????

full wc: 24.3k

playlist! - i'm not very good at this but i tried to add songs alternating between yn and soonyoung :)

a/n: hello!! first of all, sorry this so long! it's been a very very busy summer. thank you to everyone who has continued to show interest in the story, it's really kept me going. i honestly have no idea what this is anymore but i hope it does not disappoint :) as always i appreciate feedback of any form <3 thank you again for reading and have a lovely day! finally, happy scoups day :)

a/n2: a special shout out to @chocolatemilk139 for being my beta and for helping me fact check... why do i keep writing about lawyers when i know absolutely nothing about the field.......

“Nope.” You grab your backpack, shoving your laptop inside, but he gets to your water bottle before you can reach it. 

“Come on.” Soonyoung pouts his lips. 

“I won’t do it,” you say. 

Soonyoung hugs your water bottle hostage against his chest, dark blue hiding in the crook of his elbow, bright against the pale pink sweater he wears. It’s an unusual choice for him, normally clad in baggy jeans and loose t-shirts. Still, the color highlights his new hair, blonde bordering on white. Hardly the first time he’s done something insane for a bet. 

“Please! I’m desperate!” He cries again, stepping closer, though he keeps a firm grip on your water bottle. You never should have told him how emotionally attached you are to it; you should have known it would be held against you. 

“No,” you say. You sling your backpack on, just in case he gets any other ideas. The other students shoot dirty looks at you, actually in the library to study (like you were, until Soonyoung arrived). So you grab him by the arm, rolling your eyes at how he jerks the water bottle out of reach. 

“Walk and talk, we’re not doing this here,” you say, folding your arms over your chest. 

“Come on, how hard can it be?” Soonyoung asks. “It’s just a test.”

“Just a test?” You snort. “Soonyoung, you are aware that most people don’t apply to law school on a dare?” 

“I don’t have to get into law school!” He says, “just get a 179 on the LSAT.” 

As if that makes it any better. You eye Soonyoung and his tight grip on the plastic. Maybe it’s a lost cause and you should just swing by the bookstore to get a new one instead. But that water bottle has butterfly stickers that have survived since freshman year and a dent from the time Jun tried to use it as a weapon in a fight against Jihoon (that was declared a draw when the bottle busted open and doused both of them equally); it holds memories better than water and you’ll be damned if you let Soonyoung hold it hostage. 

“That’s actually harder,” you mumble. From the corner of your eye, you can see him tucking the blue bottle under his right arm, farthest from you. This won’t be easy, especially since you saw the poorly disguised thirst trap of him and one of his frat bros at the gym: those arms are not to be underestimated. 

“I’ll pay you!” 

“With what money?” 

Soonyoung pauses. You’ve reached the exit by now, sunlight warming you through the glass doors. He turns to the sunlight, and you know he’s pretending to be a main character from an artsy film (not that he’s ever seen on). He takes a deep breath, as if he already regrets what he has to say next. 

“Okay, I’ll offer you the only services I have.” He turns to face you, eyes on the floor. 

“Oh my god, Soonyoung!” You shove his shoulder. “You are not selling your body for a test!” 

“But it’s all I know!” He says. He pokes your arms. “You could have so much muscle if you lifted just twice a week.” 

“Oh.” You blink at him. “You meant working out?” 

“What did you think I meant?” 

You feel heat rush into your cheeks. You push the door open, praying Soonyoung doesn’t notice. “It doesn’t matter,” you say, not daring to check if he’s following. “I don’t have time to workout.” 

“Then what do you want?” Soonyoung asks. He stays just out of reach, adjusting his grip so that the water bottle hangs from his hand. “Please, I’ll do anything!” 

“Why do you need me?” 

“Because you’re the smartest person I know,” he says without hesitation. In the three years of your friendship, you’ve learned that the only time Soonyoung isn’t serious is when he flirts. 

“You are,” he insists. “Plus you’ve already taken it, so you’re my best chance. My only chance, it’s not like I have a good track record with tests.” He gives you a lopsided smile as he tries to pretend like he’s joking. But Soonyoung has always been easy to read. You see the sparkle in his eyes dim, and you remember freshman Soonyoung–when he failed the midterm and holed up in his room in the frat house for two full days, not even venturing out to drink. It’s that damn sparkle that gets to you. He isn’t paying attention anymore, water bottle hanging loosely from his hand, but you can’t bring yourself to snatch it. 

“You can pass it,” you say with a sigh. “It’s about studying correctly.” 

“I don’t know,” Soonyoung says. “I’ve never really studied.” 

“Well, that’s what I’ll teach you.” 

Soonyoung freezes, grabbing your arm. “Seriously?” When you turn to face him, his smile is so bright it warms you from the inside out, hotter than the actual sun on your skin. He throws his arms around you, wrapping you in a hug so tight he lifts you off the ground. Your heart does this strange thing where it hops into your throat. Your arms come up as a reflex but his embrace is too tight for you to even hug him back.  

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” He shouts. He doesn’t let go, even when he sets you back down. He loosens his arms just enough to look at you, the full force of his smile directed at you. “I swear you’re welcome at the frat house any time, I’ll buy you anything you want when I have money, I’ll drive you wherever you want if I can get Seungcheol’s car, I’ll do whatever, just thank you, thank you, thank you.” 

You know you should answer, or say something, but thinking is too much when he’s so close you can smell the strangely sweet combination of laundry detergent, cologne, and sweat. You push out of his arms, snagging your water bottle on the way out. 

“It’s whatever,” you mumble. Though his arms aren’t around you anymore, you feel strangely hot, like your blood is boiling, and your heart still pounds. 

“It is not whatever,” Soonyoung declares. “I swear, whatever you want, I’ll do it.” He holds a hand over his heart and if it was anyone else you’d think they were joking but it’s Soonyoung: he’s deadly serious. 

You can’t handle his gaze anymore, turning to study your beat up sneakers. “Really? You’ll get my first edition copy of Pride and Prejudice from Jun?” 

“I’ll get that book back.” He glances at you. “It is a book, right?” 

“Yeah,” you say. “Though there’s been some good adaptations.” 

“That’s the one with the zombies?” 

“Zombies?” You frown. “Oh my god, do you mean Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?” 

“That’s not the original book?” 

“No,” you say, laughing. “The original is Jane Austen, in the 1800s.” 

“Oh,” Soonyoung says. 

“I’ve actually never seen that one,” you say. “It’s the only adaptation I haven’t seen.” 

“How many movies are there?” 

“Well, there’s the 1940 adaptation, the BBC series that’s widely regarded as the most faithful adaptation, the 2005 Kiera Knightley movie that’s iconic, plus the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, which is a vlog-style Youtube adaptation. Then of course there’s Jane Austen’s other works, like Persuasion, which, the new one, for the record, was a terrible adaptation.” You stop when you realize you’re dangerously close to going on what Jihoon calls ‘an Austen tirade.’ 

“I liked the movie,” he says after a pause. “I don’t know if it was that good, or close to the books. But it was fun.” 

“I’ll have to watch it, then,” you say. “I know it’s the obvious choice, but Pride and Prejudice really is my favorite Jane Austen novel. Good luck getting it back from Jun though. He’s studying abroad this semester.” 

“He’s the friend from your history class?” 

“No, that’s Jihoon, my roommate,” you say. “Jun was in my language class.” 

“I thought you hated everyone in that class.” 

“Oh, I did,” you say. “But Jun is friends with Jihoon, so he sort of just became my friend too.” 

Soonyoung hums, saying nothing else. You don’t recognize the song, though you tend to mostly listen to classical music when you study or whatever Jihoon blasts from his room, so it’s not that surprising. The melody is nice, though. Well, Soonyoung’s voice is. 

“I really am grateful,” Soonyoung says. “I know I was begging, because I don’t think I can do this without you–well, I don’t know if I can do it with you, but you’re my only hope and–I’m rambling again.” He flashes a smile. “The point is, thank you.” 

You shrug, feeling shy under his gaze. “It’ll help me study anyways,” you say. “You learn a lot when you teach.” 

“I thought you already took it?”

“I only got a 150,” you say, sighing. “I need at least a 165.” 

Soonyoung nods, forehead creasing like it always does when he’s lost in thought. “Thank you anyway.”

“Well, you swore to do whatever I tell you,” you say, desperate to change the subject. “Don’t think I won’t abuse that.” 

“Oh, YN,” he says, “I’m counting on it.” He even winks. 

You cough, choking at the outright flirting. Soonyoung hasn’t tried a line on you in so long you thought he’d used them all. He isn’t serious–it was engraved in his DNA the second he became a fully fledged member of Sigma Beta Tau but it’s not like many people flirt with you, so it’s hard to stop your heart from jumping. 

You check your phone, unable to look him in the eyes. It’s 2:18 now, prime naptime if you can get back to your apartment before Jihoon gets back. But if it’s past two, unless he lied to you at the start of the semester, that means Soonyoung should be in his data ethics class. “Hey, don’t you have class right now?” 

Soonyoung glances at the time on his phone. “Shit.” He takes off, sprinting across the grass, dodging three picnics and narrowly avoiding getting rocked in the back of the head by a frisbee. He pauses at the edge, turning back around to wave wildly at you. 

“Thank you!” He shouts. The picnickers glance between you and him and you can feel the blush returning. Soonyoung doesn’t notice all the eyes on him, waving like a goofball one final time before sprinting off again. Like a whirlwind, he’s gone again, leaving you to stroll across campus and wonder what you just signed up for. 

.

.

Soonyoung’s brow furrows into a frown, lips pulling together in a pout. He rests his chin on his hands, looking up at you from the table like a puppy that knows he’s in trouble. “That bad?” 

“Your analytical reasoning was good!” You say, not wanting to destroy him just yet. “The logical analysis wasn’t that bad either, you just need practice.” 

“Wasn’t there a third section?” 

“The score for reading comprehension was pretty bad.” Horrendous, actually, but you can’t tell him that, not when he’s deflating faster than a balloon at a knife throwing contest. He sits back, head knocking lightly against the back of the stiff library chairs. 

“We can work with this! It’s really not that bad,” you say. You reach out instinctively, wrapping your hands over his hands. Your thumb rests against the soft smooth skin of the back of his hand, the rest of your fingers brushing lightly against his calloused fingers. You jerk back when you realize what you’re doing, patting his hands once and grabbing the workbook in front of him as if it’s what you meant to do all along. You study the upside down words, not daring to look at the disgust that’s probably painted on Soonyoung’s face. 

“You can start with practicing the logic problems,” you say, flipping through the work book. “I’ll figure out a strategy for the reading portion.” 

Soonyoung heaves a sigh, sitting up and hunching over the workbook. You flip open one of your old workbooks and try to pretend like you’re not trying to melt away from embarrassment. 

“This isn’t very much teaching,” Soonyoung says without looking up. “Lots of problem solving.” 

“I don’t really know what I’m doing either,” you say. “I just watched a lot of youtube videos when I was studying last year. I should have known better than to take it over the summer, though.” 

Soonyoung glances up. “How come?” 

You chew on your lip. You’ve known Soonyoung for a while now, but you’ve never talked to him like this, mentioning any real things other than complaining about roommates. Soonyoung would listen, probably say the ‘right’ things, but it’s a study session, so you just say, “Just not good timing.” 

He nods, returning to his humming. You turn to your own workbook, trying to figure out how to get Soonyoung to actually read the passages for the reading comprehension. Twenty minutes pass in an instant and Soonyoung drops his pencil, sliding his journal with the answers back in front of you. You flip to the answer key, scanning between the two. 

“When are you taking it again?” Soonyoung asks while he waits. 

“Just before Halloween,” you say. Exactly 38 days from now, according to the IMPENDING DOOM countdown clock on your phone. 

“That soon?” 

You shrug. “I wanted to give myself time to take it again in case I bomb it and it had to be before midterms, so, yeah.” 

“Is it really that bad to take all your tests at once?” Soonyoung asks. 

“I mean, finals week pretty much kills me every semester. I actually thought I was cutting it close with only two weeks between it and midterms.” 

“Is November cutting it too close?” 

“Depends on when in November you plan on taking it,” you say, “though you probably won’t be able to take it again if you don’t like your score.” 

“Not a problem for me,” Soonyoung says. He doesn’t waver against your raised eyebrow. “I’m getting that 179, first try.” 

“You’re that confident?” 

“In you.” He winks. “Also the bet is off if I don’t get it on the first try.” 

You nod. “Yeah, that makes more sense.” You glance at your calendar. “

“November 18th.” 

“That’s not too bad, you dodged between midterms and finals, there should be plenty of cram time.” 

Soonyoung shrugs. “I just scheduled it so that I would get the results before the Christmas party.” 

“I didn’t think you would be the religious type.” 

“Oh, I’m not,” he says. “The frat has this annual post-finals party before people go back home for holiday break, usually on the last day of finals. There’s no way I’m letting Seungkwan get away with my hard earned Playstation, and there’s no way he’d miss the party.” 

“You can’t just buy your own game?” 

“It’s a console actually,” he says, “and that’s not the point.” You prepare for some lecture about honor or frat code or something overly dramatic and inspired by any of the countless war propaganda movies he loves, but he closes his mouth. 

“I guess it doesn’t really matter,” you say. You turn back his sheet, half the answers marked with a dark blue X because red feels too cruel. “You’re clearly committed.” 

He sighs at the answers, flipping back to the first question and frowning. You think the conversation is over, but without looking up from glaring at the right answers, he says, “You should come.” 

“To?” 

“The Christmas party.” 

You stare at the top of his head but he doesn’t seem to notice. You wonder how he manages to keep his hair so blonde without ruining his scalp but you don’t see any dandruff. “Me?” You finally say. 

“You said you’d come, like, freshman year,” he says. “You never did.” 

You did promise, back when you saw him for class every day. But frat parties weren’t your scene back then. They aren’t your scene now. Nothing about blasting music and binge drinking appeals to you, and yet Soonyoung peeking at you from his notebook makes you feel guilty anyways. He looks at you like he really doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to go.

And that’s the worst part: for Soonyoung, you would go. When he looks at you with the damn Soonyoung Sparkle, you’d do anything. 

“I’ll… think about it,” you finally say. 

He looks at you for a moment longer, then nods, like he didn’t really expect you to say yes. You try not to feel like you’re letting him down. 

“Can you explain this one to me,” he asks, turning the book so you can see it from across the table. 

You skim the question, which turns out to be a series of questions about stained glass windows. You take a moment to glance between Soonyoung’s answers and the correct ones. 

“Walk me through your process,” you say. 

“Okay, I start with…”

.

. 

“Soonyoung, are you even listening?” 

He blinks at you, lifting his head from his arms. “Something about strategies? For reading?” 

You snap the book shut, shaking your head. You open your mouth, speech on responsibility and studying on the tip of your tongue but one look into Soonyoung’s Sparkle Eyes (patent pending) and all the words are gone. You really need to figure out how to get around that super power. 

“Come on, it’s so nice out,” he says. “We should be outside.” He grabs your hand. “This is not studying weather, this is dating weather.” 

“Soonyoung your test is in two months, you seriously want to skip?” You don’t dignify the second part of his complaint with a response. The idea of Soonyoung on a date makes your stomach flip. 

He sighs. “No, but it’s October, we won’t get many more nice days, so can we at least go outside?” 

You hesitate a heartbeat too long and Soonyoung jumps up. He closes the workbook, knocking loose papers off the table and sending highlighters of every color flying in every direction. The chaos earns a couple side eyes from the people around you and a full on glare from the person directly next to him, but Soonyoung, as Soonyoung as ever, doesn’t seem to notice. He picks up the papers and highlighters, shoving them into his backpack without a folder and slinging it over his shoulder. You can only follow him, grabbing the drinks before he tries to carry them along his laptop. When it comes to Soonyoung, mixing liquids and technology is more dangerous than mixing alcohols. You haven’t forgotten The Coffee Incident, flooding his backpack at 8 in the morning. 

He drags you out of the library, though you don’t put up much of a fight. Soonyoung makes you want to relax, just a little, and when he smiles back at you as soon as he steps out of the sunlight, you find you don’t regret a thing. 

Soonyoung pulls his emergency blanket out of his blanket, passing it to you. He’s more prepared for naps than any class he’s ever taken but the thin fabric is soft so who are you to judge? He heads straight for the quad, which is already filled with people, some groups of friends, too many obvious couples with heads in each other's laps or arms wrapped around each other. Soonyoung settles down in a relatively unpopulated corner, taking the blanket back to shake it out the blanket a few times before laying it flat on the ground. 

Soonyoung groans when you pull out the workbooks as soon as you sit down. “There isn’t anything more fun to study?” 

“Soonyoung, it’s the LSAT,” you say. “It’s not really meant to be fun.” 

“But–” 

“You’re the one that wanted to go outside,” you remind him, tapping his arm with a pen. “If you’re too distracted we’ll have to go back into the library.” 

He gazes at the other people laughing for a long moment before turning to face you again. You raise your eyebrows and he takes the workbook from your hands, flipping it open to the sticky-note bookmark. 

The next twenty minutes are relatively quiet, the only noise coming from the chatter of the people around you, too far away to clearly hear, and Soonyoung humming while working through practice problems. You’re not sure if he even realizes he’s doing it, though he bobs his head slightly. You wonder what Soonyoung is like when he isn’t trying to get out of studying–even outside of the party invites you’ve avoided, you rarely see him on campus (because you aren’t on campus when you don’t have to be). You almost went to dinner with him to celebrate passing the business class freshman year where you met him, but you got food poisoning and he never rescheduled. 

It’s for the best, though. Even like this, tutoring him minus payment of any kind, you can tell that spending too much time with him will be dangerous. He flirts so easily it feels genuine, and even though he can be ridiculous, he’s never been anything but lovely to you. And it doesn’t help that he’s hot. He glances up, as if he can feel you staring, but he just flashes a smile at you and ducks his head again. Damn frat bros with endearing charms that melt you like the perfect grilled cheese. 

Perfectly blue without a cloud in sight, the sky is an empty canvas above you. The air is just the right temperature, just between hot and cold, the sun ensuring that it never dips into the latter. Just the slightest breeze kisses your skin, lifting the edges of the papers but never flipping them. Soonyoung was right: the perfect date weather. 

“Soonyoung?” You turn your head to see a dark haired man standing over you. Wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and sides ripped open, you figure there’s a 80% chance he’s one of Soonyoung’s frat brothers. 

“Seokmin?” Soonyoung frowns. 

“You were actually serious?” Seokmin asks, gesturing to the books. “You know Seungkwan said it as a joke, right?” 

“Yeah, but a bet is a bet,” Soonyoung says. “And I really want his Playstation.” 

Seokmin snorts. “You know he only said it because he knows you can’t do it.” 

“I’m not like I’m losing anything by trying.” Soonyoung sets his lips in a sharp line of determination (which you recognize from the dining hall when he sweet talks his way into free cookies). Seokmin raises his eyebrows at his aggression but eventually decides it’s not worth the fight. Instead, he plops down on the blanket, making a little triangle between the three of you. 

“You must be YN,” he says, extending his hand. His easy smile and the way he sat down without waiting for an invitation reminds you of Soonyoung. Unlike the faux blonde, it feels foreign and you shift a little closer to Soonyoung instinctively. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” you lie. Seokmin’s eyes curl into little half moons when he smiles, apparently not noticing your awkwardness. You can’t help but feel like he’s intruding as he turns to Soonyoung and asks him to explain what he’s doing. Soonyoung explains it well, though it helps that he was working on the analytical reasoning section. 

It’s because he’s interrupting Soonyoung’s studying. That’s why it bothers you that he’s here, even though Soonyoung doesn’t seem to mind and Seokmin seems genuinely interested. Unfortunately, the revelation doesn’t stop you from wishing Seokmin would just leave.  

“I don’t know how you do any of this,” Seokmin says after Soonyoung explains the next problem. 

“It’s easy!” Soonyoung says. “Half the time the answer is in the question, you just have to know where to look!” 

“Quoting me?” You raise your eyebrows. 

“Well I did learn from the best!” 

“So cliche,” you mutter but the compliment gets you smiling anyway. You look up to find Seokmin looking at you. He has a strange look on his face, frowning, but not angrily. He looks a little bit like when Soonyoung can’t decide between the right answer and the second best option. He doesn’t look away when you catch him staring. 

“What?” 

He pauses a long moment before answering, as if pondering how to answer. Finally, he says, “I like you.” 

You stare at him. Soonyoung had been diligently working on practice problems but his head jerks up at the words. 

“I mean, you’re a cool person,” Seokmin quickly says. “Good tutor for Soonyoung.” After hearing his name, Soonyoung grins and turns back to underlining in the workbook. 

“Tutor?” You say. “I really don’t think I’m doing all that much.” 

Seokmin shrugs. ”I don’t know many people that would spend this much time with someone if they aren't helping. Besides, either way, I’ve never seen Soonyoung this dedicated before.” 

“That’s because you don’t dare to bet against me,” Soonyoung says without looking up. 

“He might have a point there,” you say. Soonyoung takes a moment to smile at your support. 

“What I’m trying to say is that you’re cool,” Seokmin says. 

“Thank you?” You wait for him to say something else but he sits back and rests his hands behind him, stretching out in the sun a little more. Sighing, he tilts his head toward the sun. 

“Seems like the weather will turn cold soon,” he says. “This might be the last warm day of the year.” He glances at Soonyoung. “And you’re spending it here instead of pre-gaming the Tau party.” 

Soonyoung’s pencil freezes. He peeks up at Seokmin, then at you, then shrugs. “I take my bets seriously.” 

“Whatever,” Seokmin says. He lays back fully, half of his body sticking off the blanket into the grass. “What are the Ke$ha lyrics? ‘The party don’t start ‘til Soonyoung walks in?’” He doesn’t wait for a correction. “I think I’ll wait until you're finished and we’ll tear it up together.” 

Soonyoung glances at you, then unsuccessfully tries to hide his laughter at your expression. You don’t mean to be rude, but Seokmin really just invited himself all on his own and crashed your picnic. Study date. Outdoor study session. The name doesn’t matter, what does matter is it’s only supposed to be you and Soonyoung. 

“He’ll fall asleep in about five seconds,” Soonyoung whispers. “He doesn’t actually care about the party, he just likes my nap blankets.” On that point you can’t really blame Seokmin. 

“As long as it doesn’t disrupt your studying,” you say. 

“Right,” Soonyoung says, more to himself than you. “That’s what’s important.” 

You aren’t so oblivious that you miss his bitterness, but you are enough of a coward to decide not to ask about it. How do you even ask about something like that? You can barely answer his questions about the LSAT, so feelings? No chance. 

You flip open your own workbook and set a pencil case down to keep the book open and ignore the soft snores from Seokmin. Soonyoung hums, the soft breeze carrying the gentle tune to you and easing you into a false sense of comfort, planting the idea that it’s always been like this and it always will be. But Soonyoung will take the LSAT in November and you will graduate in the spring and there won’t be any more excuses for seeing him, let alone laying out in the sun with him. Letting yourself enjoy this moment has dangerous consequences for your heart. 

And yet you enjoy the warm sun on your skin and hum along with Soonyoung anyway. Seokmin is right: this kind of day won’t last long. 

.

.

You jump awake at the sound. It takes you a moment to register where you are, to blink the sleep out of your eyes and recognize the stiff library chairs, the yellow tinted lighting of the study rooms on the third floor. Built like a prison cell with no windows and stained linoleum floors, you aren’t entirely sure how you fell asleep. The last thing you remember is working on your essay on Sense and Sensibility, which was rather difficult since you haven’t had the time to finish rereading it. Your book rests on the table next to your open laptop, screen dark. 

A second knock reminds you why you woke up in the first place and you turn to the door. Through the glass door you see a student with a backpack hanging off their shoulder, half smiling. They turn the knob, opening the door just enough to stick their head in. 

“Hey, sorry, I think I have the room scheduled,” they say. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I lost track of time,” you say, slamming your laptop shut and shoving everything into your backpack. To their credit, the other student doesn’t rush you, even apologizing and telling you to take your time. But if you’ve lost the room, that means the two hours you had booked the study room for–the two hours you designated for writing the essay and doing problem sets–were spent asleep, which means the LSAT cram schedule has been completely thrown off with only three days before the test. 

You groan as you step into the elevator, pressing the button for the fifth floor. The farther up, the more intense the quiet levels get. Hopefully it won’t be so quiet that you fall asleep, but since you got a nap, you should be able to power through an all-nighter. It wouldn’t be the first time. You brace yourself to check your phone for the time, though being kicked out of the room means you already know your fate. 9:08 means that you have a little less than three hours until the library closes. You’ve done more with less time. 

The first couple desks are occupied by students but you don’t stray, heading for a familiar corner, ignoring the empty desks that line the stacks. Your corner, that you found freshman year during finals season when you couldn’t find an empty desk, is perfect: hidden behind the encyclopedia shelves with a light directly above it, only three dicks carved into it–all on the underside (discovered on a particularly bad day where you found it most comfortable to lay underneath and rethink your entire life). You smile at the small comfort, striding through the stacks with Sense and Sensibility still in your arms. 

You nearly drop the book when you see the backpack, abruptly turning despite the fact that it must have been obvious to whoever stole your corner that you were headed there. You feel rage boiling up and threatening to spill. You close your eyes, reminding yourself that the corner isn’t actually yours. Still, as you settle into a desk facing a giant window that reveals the dark campus, you can’t help but feel bitter. Your thoughts stray to the desk that should be yours, even as you pull out your computer. 

BATTERY LOW

The words light up your screen, mocking you before the screen falls dark again. You dig in your backpack for your charger that you always slip into the main pocket. You feel your underused pencil pouch, the single journal since you keep most of your notes on your laptop, LSAT prep book, your three folders, and no charger. Even when you look inside and lay the entire contents of your backpack on the desk in front of you, the only charger you find is for your phone. Which means the longer laptop cord is probably sitting on your desk, all the way back at your apartment. 

A twenty minute walk back, twenty minutes less for writing your essay. You can start it on your phone, maybe, though the thought of switching between reading the Sparknotes and typing already exhausts you. It’s moot anyways, since all you can do is sit and stare at the desk, covered in the contents of your soul. This is what your life has become: a stack of paper that weighs less than the digital universe on your laptop that’s all contingent on a $15 charger that abandons you when you need it most. 

In the end it isn’t the rage that gets to you. It’s the hilarity of it all, how silly it is that your life is dictated by something so stupid. 

The fifth floor decrees silence, so you make sure that your sobs don’t make a noise. You can’t control the tears but you can hold your breath. When your head starts to feel light and your lungs are desperate for air, you can breathe through your mouth and inhale as slow as you can to keep the shakiness to a minimum. You can do everything you can to hold it together, even when you’re falling apart. 

Someone taps you on the shoulder. You lift your head, ready to face a tired librarian kicking you out but instead you see bleach blonde hair and a forced smile over a furrowed brow. 

“What are you doing here?” You whisper, glad for the quiet because you don’t trust your voice to support you. 

He holds up a thick, leatherbound book. LSAT for Dummies. “Extra reading couldn’t hurt, right?” 

You blink at him. The only times you’ve seen Soonyoung in the library on his own has been with a thick blanket and closed eyes (it’s how you know he sleeps with his mouth open, just a little). You can’t quite believe he’s in front of you and yet he takes a step closer and doesn’t vanish. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks. 

“Shhh,” you say, holding your finger to your lips to get him to quiet down, even though there’s no one in sight. “Quiet floor.” 

He nods, looking around as if he’s waiting for someone to kick him out. He turns to look at your desk, the contents of your backpack still strewn about. He tilts his head but doesn’t dare raise his voice to ask. You know he hasn’t missed the tears, still wet on your cheeks. 

You done? He mouths. 

Not even close, you think, but you nod anyways because it’s the easier answer. Soonyoung doesn’t hesitate, gently closing your laptop and sweeping everything into your backpack. You watch as he dumps it all into the biggest pocket, zipping it up and slinging it onto his back. He tucks the law book under his arm and holds out his other hand for you to take. 

“Come on,” he whispers. And you take it, let him pull you out of your chair. The walk to the elevator; out of the library; toward the edge of campus; nothing feels far when Soonyoung doesn’t let go of your hand. You follow him in a daze, clinging to his hand in the off-chance that all your luck rides on him–like if you let go, you’ll lose your tether to this planet. 

Soonyoung rarely walks in silence and today is not an exception. He rambles about the only member of the frat capable of cooking that apparently can’t do anything without creating a giant mess. Even as he complains about the guy, Soonyoung can’t help defending him, explaining in mouth-watering detail how good his food is. 

“One time he crowd sourced some steaks and did a grill for the new pledges and they all thought it was a prank or something and nearly cried when he actually let them eat them. I think they burnt their mouths from eating it too fast, afraid someone was going to take it away from them.” Soonyoung stops at the edge of campus. He glances at you, a question in his eyes. Where are we going? 

“Soonyoung,” you say. Squeezing his hand feels natural. “I don’t really want to go back right now.” 

He nods, squeezing your hand back. “You want to go for a ride?” 

“You have a car?” 

“Nope.” Soonyoung fishes his phone out of his pocket and makes a call. You can only hear Soonyoung, who says, “I need a ride,” and “Pick me up by the duck statue,” and then he hangs up. 

The edge of campus that Soonyoung drags you to is right next to the athletic fields, which explains why there is a giant statue of the mascot that towers over you. It has three of its own personal spotlights and shiny claws from fans rubbing them for good luck, despite there being no official tradition. You only went to one game, mostly to confirm you would rather be anywhere else (except maybe the bathroom of the stadium). Either way, the only thing you do know about the statue and mascot for your school is that it is not a duck. 

“That’s a raven.” You point at the statue. 

Soonyoung frowns between you and the hunk of metal. “Oh, Larry?” 

“It has a name?” 

“Well, there’s the official name, which is like, Midnight Rain or something, and the frat name.” 

“And the frat name is Larry?” 

Soonyoung shrugs. “I didn’t choose it.” 

“And you call it a duck, too?” 

“It looks like a duck.” 

You study the statue. You aren’t an ornithologist, but you’re pretty sure ducks have webbed feet instead of talons, and different beaks. Plus you’ve never seen a pure black duck. But you’ve spent enough time with Soonyoung to know it doesn’t have to make sense when the frat is involved (in fact, you’ve found sense is rarely involved in their decisions). 

“We just call it the duck. Or Larry, when we want to be formal.” Soonyoung jumps at the honk of a horn. You turn around with him to find an obnoxiously red convertible parked against the curb. The driver’s smooth black hair is styled to look effortless, hair falling just above his eyes, and he wears sunglasses despite the fact that the sun went down three hours ago. He might be attractive, if he wasn’t trying so hard. You never thought you had a type, but someone like Soonyoung, who wears clothes that he likes and sticks his hair straight up because he thinks it looks funny–that’s more your style. 

“Here’s our ride,” Soonyoung says. He starts walking, pulling you with him, still holding your hand. You aren’t sure if he even realizes, but you’re in no hurry to remind him. 

“Hey Josh,” he says. 

Driver (Josh, apparently), finally pulls off his sunglasses. “Soonyoung, you have a friend.” 

“I’m YN,” you say, wishing your voice didn’t sound so scratchy from crying. 

 “Oh, I know,” he says, a twinkle in his eye that flirts between danger and fun. “I’m Joshua.” You try not to feel unsettled by it. He raises an eyebrow as Soonyoung slides into the backseat and you sit beside him. “Am I just an Uber to you?” 

“Seungcheol is out and I knew there was no way you would let me drive your car,” Soonyoung says. 

“So, yes?” 

Soonyoung shrugs and laughs at Joshua’s expression. 

“Where are we headed?” He asks with a resigned sigh as if he’s used to Soonyoung’s antics. Has he done this before? You frown. Why does it matter to you if he’s done this with someone else? You’re so busy with the internal war, you miss Soonyoung’s answer. 

“Seriously?” Joshua asks. “It’s a weeknight.” 

“Like that’s ever been a problem for you.” 

Joshua glances at you. “You’re okay with this?” 

You pause. You don’t actually know where Soonyoung said to go. But it’s Soonyoung, your heart says. You're inclined to agree with it tonight. “Yeah.” 

He shakes his head and mutters something you don’t catch and kicks the car into gear. Before long, you are flying down a two lane road you didn’t even know existed. The wind starts to pick up with the top of the car down, blasting your face. Though your nose is still stuffed from crying, the air fills your lungs, tasting like dead leaves and unnatural warmth courtesy of climate change. For the first time tonight, you can breathe. 

.

.

The clock reads just shy of 1 am by the time the car stops. As soon as the rumbling engine cuts out, another noise takes over, drowning everything else out. Crashes too rhythmic to be thunder, the blows softened by tall dunes illuminated by the car’s headlights that Joshua didn’t turn off. 

Soonyoung turns to you with a grin. “Ready to have some fun?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, jumping out of the car instead of opening the door, ignoring Joshua’s shout. He sprints toward the crashing waves. 

Joshua shakes his head, opening his door and ushering you out from the back. He even closes the door behind you, folding his arms over his chest and walking slowly to the beach with you. The headlights cut out but the moon and stars shine enough to see where the boardwalk ends and the sand begins. Soonyoung’s movement gives him away more than any light, running alongside the water and dancing with the tide. 

You clear your throat. The ride cleared your head enough for you to feel properly embarrassed about meeting someone right after sobbing. You shudder to imagine how terrible you looked when he first picked you up, clinging to Soonyoung like he was the only thing keeping you alive. A blush forms just at the thought of it. 

“So, you do this often?” You ask. 

“Do something truly insane because of Soonyoung? All the time.” Joshua laughs. “We don’t usually end up this far away though, and usually someone’s life is in imminent danger.” 

“That doesn’t surprise me,” you say, watching Soonyoung strip his socks and shoes off and toss them behind him. One sock gets caught in the wind and blows back toward you and Joshua. 

Joshua stops before the two of you can catch up to him. You turn to look at him. It’s difficult to read his expression in the moonlight but he frowns like he’s not sure he should say something. Eventually he says, “I’m going for a walk down the boardwalk.” He glances at Soonyoung, then back at you and smiles. “Have fun with him.” 

You watch him turn around and trudge back up the sand, wondering if all of Soonyoung’s friends are this strange. Maybe it’s just being in a frat. You grab Soonyoung’s sock and set it with his shoes, smiling when he turns around and waves like a maniac. 

“It’s the ocean!” He shouts over the crashes. 

“You’re soaked!” You shout back. He glances down and apparently finally realizes his shirt is wet, clinging to his shoulders already. He strides back toward you, grabbing your arm and pulling you closer. 

“My shoes are not coming off!” You warn him. 

“Just come closer!” He says. “It’s amazing!” You stand with him at the edge of the water, watching it rise in the darkness and draw closer and closer. It crashes on the sand first, a violent move, kicking up wet sand and mixing it with white water. The frothy white water creeps forward, until you have to dance backward. Soonyoung stays in the water, letting it wash around his feet. 

“It feels better like this,” he says. 

“My feet are covered in enough sand,” you say, though he does look like he’s having fun. The water must be freezing this time of the year–it would feel so nice running over your skin. But you’d end up with wet socks and even more sand in your shoes to clean out. 

Soonyoung holds out his hand. “You’d like this.” 

You chew on your lip. Normally you’d laugh in his face and say ‘not a chance.’ But normalcy has never been running three hours away to the beach in the middle of the night when you have class at 9 in the morning. You pull off the sneakers without untying them and pull your socks off, setting them next to Soonyoung’s and joining him at the edge of the water. His hand isn’t out by the time you return but he slips it into yours when you join his side. 

Another wave crashes and you watch the water creep forward, faster than you expect it to be–and you’re right, it’s freezing, but Soonyoung’s right too, it sends an icy shock throughout your body that sends a tingly rush up from your toes to every nerve in your body, setting them on fire. You squeeze his hand and laugh. 

“Good?” He asks.

“I love it.” 

You don’t know how long you stand there, holding onto Soonyoung’s hand and letting the water wash over you. After a few waves, it doesn’t feel cold anymore. You stand until your feet are buried in wet sand, each wave sending you lower and lower. 

“My feet are freezing,” Soonyoung eventually says. 

“Mine, too.” You lift your feet reluctantly, already missing the coarse sand and cold water. You have to let go of Soonyoung’s hand to put on your socks and shoes, shuddering at all the sand in your socks. The cotton became damp from sitting too close to the water, your shoes faring the same. Yet you don’t regret a second of it. 

You stand up and stretch, feeling your spine pop. When you turn back around, you almost scream. You manage to contain it to a gasp, a wheezing Soonyoung’s name. He blinks at you innocently, like he isn’t standing in front of you with his shirt in his hand. 

“What are you doing?” You choke out. 

“We’re at the beach,” he says. “I have to take pictures.” 

“And you need to take off your shirt for that?” 

“Why? Does it bother you?” He smirks. 

Muscles have never been a selling point for you. The “people” you’ve crushed on have all been smart or kind, crushes of intellect rather than bodies. His toned abs, sculpted shoulders, the way his body curves gently as he allows you to stare at him–normally it wouldn’t get to you at all (other than the embarrassment of being this close to a shirtless man for the first time in a long time). But it’s not just the muscles. It’s Soonyoung, your Soonyoung who calls you at four in the morning to tell you about the movie he just finished and is too endearing for you to truly be annoyed at. It’s the Soonyoung that gets lost in the Engineering building even as a senior. It’s the Soonyoung that drags you to the beach in the middle of the night just to make you smile. Yes, it bothers you. No one should be this incredible and hot. 

“No,” you mumble, failing to convince yourself of the lie. 

Soonyoung seems to be done teasing you, dropping his shirt into your hands. He walks a little closer to the waves, apparently not bothered by the chilly ocean breeze. He starts to pose, then raises his eyebrows. “Aren’t you going to take pictures?” 

“Where’s your phone?”

“The camera’s broken,” he says. “Just use yours and you can send them to me.” He continues to pose, flexing his arms as subtly as he can which isn’t particularly subtle (though the muscles are even more impressive in person). You are tempted to reach out and feel the tension, before you realize you are staring again. 

You numb to Soonyoung in this half-dressed state as you take the pictures. The frat must have a professional photographer or something, because Soonyoung knows how to pose. Despite some of the angles and positions seeming awkward, each picture comes out as if from a photoshoot. He only gives you a few instructions on taking pictures, and compliments you way beyond your talents. 

“Just like that!” Soonyoung says, breaking his model face to grin at you. “You’re really good at this.” 

“You can’t even see the pictures,” you say. You bite your lips so you don’t smile. Apparently that doesn’t matter, because he keeps posing. It’s a good thing you just upgraded your phone storage because you estimate at least a thousand pictures are taken for each pose. 

“Are you guys done?” You jump at the voice next to you. Apparently Joshua returned from his walk, sneaking up using the crashing waves as cover. “We should head back soon if you want to make your morning classes.” 

“Definitely want to,” you say. You haven’t gotten any work done, but that’s no excuse to skip class. Soonyoung pouts but doesn’t argue. 

“Perfect!” Joshua claps his hands together. He shoves you toward Soonyoung and grabs your phone. “One more picture together and we’ll go.”

Being at a distance worked perfectly fine but those muscles have you frozen in place again. Soonyoung throws an arm over your shoulders and grins like you do this all the time. His biceps press through your jacket, the flex of the muscle exactly as you imagined it, not that it stops your heart from thundering. 

You can’t help but steal a glance at Soonyoung. Despite feeling like you’ll malfunction at any second, there’s nowhere else you’d rather be. Soonyoung’s features look soft this close, even the sharp cut of his jawline. You want to study every line of his face, each curve, memorize it until the way his lips slowly curl into a smile is carved into your heart. Spending the rest of your life here doesn’t seem too bad. 

“Let’s go,” Joshua says, breaking whatever magic froze time for you. You are left with cold toes and sand in your sneakers as you march up the dune and back to Joshua’s car. 

“I just cleaned it,” he groans, looking at all the sand you and Soonyoung tracked in. 

You mumble an apology but when you try to offer to clean it for him, he shakes his head. “Nobody touches my baby.” 

You glance at Soonyoung, who followed you into the backseat again. He rolls his eyes at Joshua, smiling in a way that you know means he isn’t serious. You smile back at him and click your seatbelt into place. 

“Address?” Joshua asks, handing you his phone. You punch it in and hand the phone back. 3 hours and sixteen minutes. 

Joshua whistles, seeing the arrival time of 4:53. “Remind me never to do this again.” 

“The beach was your idea,” Soonyoung says. His words slur a little. 

“Just go to sleep already,” Joshua says. The engine rumbles on and he pulls away from the empty boardwalk. 

“‘m not even tired,” Soonyoung says, fighting a yawn. He slouches and leans against the headrest, rolling his head to look at you. “You have class in the morning?” 

“Not until nine.” 

“That’s good.” He doesn’t succeed in fighting the yawn this time. His blinks become longer and longer, eyes closing more than opening. It’s like watching the energizer bunny shut down. 

“Soonyoung?” 

He opens his eyes and you think maybe he’d wait for the rest of his life for you to say something. 

“Thank you.” 

“Always.” He smiles lazily. “I swore I’d do anything.” 

His sworn loyalty. It should be fun, having a boy like him dedicated to fulfilling your wishes. But what would it be like if he wasn’t sworn to you? If he did these kinds of things just because he wants to? 

You didn’t think you were tired but the next thing you know, Soonyoung gently shakes you awake. 

“We’re here,” he says in a quiet, very un-Soonyoung voice. 

You blink at him, trying to figure out why your neck hurts so much, frowning at the unfamiliar surroundings. From the rear view mirror, Joshua watches you. Right, instead of writing your essay, doing the problem sets, or any of the readings, you went to the beach. You wait for the guilt to set in but it doesn’t come. None of the anxieties from earlier in the evening (the technical part of your brain reminds you it was the night before) overwhelm you. 

“Right,” you say, clearing your throat. Your mouth tastes nasty but before you can say anything, Soonyoung hands you a water bottle. You take a sip before saying thank you. 

Soonyoung unbuckles his seatbelt. “I’ll walk you up.” 

You nod, grateful you don’t have to ask him. The night has been a full adventure on its own yet you aren’t quite ready for it to be over. At least you aren’t ready to say goodbye to Soonyoung. 

There’s still something you want to tell him. You want to tell him that you like his blonde hair, even though everyone else thinks it’s ridiculous. You want to tell him that you lied earlier, you nearly lost your mind seeing him shirtless. You want to tell him that you feel proud when he gets the right answer on the first try, that you think his concentration frown is cute, that you’ve never enjoyed studying like you do when he’s by your side. You want to tell him that on your worst days, days like today, just being Soonyoung makes it better. 

But you learned a long time ago tired ramblings and drunk confessions are siblings. They both end in heartbreak and twelve packs of ramen. 

So you ride the elevator with him and watch the lights flicker. You never cared when Jihoon brought his friends (well, Jun) over, but the carpets that look dirty no matter how many times they’re cleaned and beige walls are even worse tonight. You can stand to live in a boring apartment, but not a dirty one. 

“This is me,” you say, gesturing to 808. You turn your back on the door, facing Soonyoung instead. He looks radiant under the fluorescent hallway lights, which really isn’t fair. They make his bleach blonde hair look natural, highlight the blemishes on his skin, easy to see when he’s this close. 

You should go inside and he should go back down but neither of you move. For the second time tonight, you are frozen in time with Soonyoung. 

The floor creaks and you jump, turning around at the same time, accidentally knocking into Soonyoung’s chest as you turn to face the noise behind you. Jihoon, gym bag over his shoulder, frowns at you across the hallway. 

“Are you seriously just getting back now?” 

Shit. You never texted him. “Um, Jihoon, this is Soonyoung,” you say. He waves behind you. “Soonyoung, Jihoon.” 

Jihoon folds his arms. “I’ve heard about you.” You glare at him, which he ignores. “You’re taking the LSAT on a dare?” 

“You’re the one that wants to be a music producer?” 

Jihoon raises his eyebrows and looks at you. “You’ve mentioned me?” 

“Only the worst,” you say, smiling at him. 

“I thought you were at the library all night?” Jihoon says. 

“We went on an adventure,” you say. You show him your sandy shoes. He raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything. It’s clear he knows he interrupted something, but the stubborn asshole doesn’t move. 

You turn back to Soonyoung. “Goodnight,” you say, resisting the urge to hug him. 

“It’s morning,” Jihoon says. 

“Goodnight,” Soonyoung says, glancing at Jihoon. He pauses and fidgets with the hem of his shirt but finally gives you a half hug that feels more like a bro hug than anything else. He disappears into the elevator then pops his head out a final time “Send me the photos!” 

You turn to Jihoon. “I forgot to text you.” 

“I figured I’d wait until the morning to call,” he said. “Even if you were kidnapped there’s still a 90% chance you’d figure out a way to show up for class on time.” He turns the key in the lock and strides into the apartment. You’re too tired to argue back, especially when he’s right, so you just follow him into the apartment. 

“I like him,” Jihoon says before you vanish into your room. 

“Should I find you a wedding dress?” You say. “Soonyoung is single.” 

Jihoon rolls his eyes and grabs a protein shake from the fridge. “Why do I even bother?” 

You don’t wait for him to leave first, peeling your shoes off in the entryway where you can sweep up the sand and practically fall into your room. It’s race to change into an old t-shirt before you collapse onto your bed. 

You set an alarm for 8:30 and check fifty times to make sure it’s actually set. Then you open your camera roll, shaking your head at the countless pictures. You choose twenty non-blurry ones before your eyes start to droop. You scroll to the bottom and click on the pictures Joshua took. Soonyoung grins for the camera, his easy smile as captivating on your phone as it is in person. You are staring at him, a soft smile on your lips and hearts practically bugging out of your eyes. It’s so ridiculously obvious how you feel. You send him his thirst traps and keep that picture for yourself. 

It takes a week for you to realize Soonyoung never posted the pictures. 

.

.

The weight of the world has the decency to wait until you’re home to fall on your shoulders. You hold your keys up and can’t push it into the lock. If you didn’t do well today, it means the past two months have been a complete waste–all the studying, the assignments you got low grades on because you were studying, the nights you spent at your desk–wasted and doomed to repeat. 

All but the time you spent with Soonyoung. Even if you fail (again), he should at least score decently, and you can’t consider that a complete waste. 

You raise your key to insert it into the lock but the door flies open. Jihoon glares at you, arms folded over his chest. “What the hell is taking you so long, your boyfriend is here.”  

You peer past him and find Soonyoung lounging on the couch, feet resting on the coffee table. He sits up when he sees you, grinning and waving. You wonder if he’s been there since you told him you were finished. You make a mental note to get Jihoon his favorite protein shakes. 

“How did you know I was here?” 

“Me and your boyfriend heard you shaking your keys in front of the door for like twenty minutes,” Jihoon says.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you mutter, praying Soonyoung didn’t hear either of you. You push past Jihoon, letting him lock the door behind you. Soonyoung jumps off the couch as soon as you drop your bag, almost tackling you in a hug. You pretend not to hear Jihoon’s scoff as he locks himself in his room again. 

“How’d it go?” He asks, squeezing you one more time before letting go. You try not to feel disappointed about it. “I mean, I know you did amazing, but how do you feel? Was the room super hot or super cold? Did the proctor give you the evil eye when you turned in your paper because they were secretly trying to sabotage you?” 

“No?” You frown. “And the room was fine, I felt pretty good about it, but I felt good last time, so I don’t really know, I just really don’t want to take it again.” You sigh. “I know you want to know as many details as possible for your test, but I really, really don’t want to think about it right now.” 

Soonyoung grins and pulls out a package of White Claws and a bottle of vodka from a plastic bag that you just noticed sitting on your coffee table. “That’s perfect because I brought a gift from the whole frat.” 

“That seems pretty on brand,” you say. 

“And a gift from me.” He digs again and pulls out a DVD. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. 

“You’re kidding.” You say. “I think I have to be drunk to watch that.” 

“You don’t have faith in my taste in movies?” Soonyoung asks but he pops open the first drink and slips something shaped concerningly like a knife out of his pocket and stabs the can, chugging it before it can really spill on your carpet. Before you can register what he did, he tosses the empty can on the coffee table, immediately scrambling to straighten it. “Sorry, force of habit.” 

“Soonyoung, I don’t think I can keep up with you,” you say, sitting slowly onto the couch. 

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m a lightweight,” he says. “I definitely should not have chugged that.” 

“I guess I better catch up,” you say, unscrewing the vodka and pouring a shot in the little paper cups that Soonyoung brought. The acrid scent curls your lip but you knock it back as fast as you can, forcing it down when you miss the back of your throat and it burns your tongue. Soonyoung hands you a can, the lime flavored seltzer pushing the nasty flavor out of your mouth. 

“Yeah, I’m terrible at that,” you say. 

Soonyoung shrugs. “I’m not one to judge. You should have seen me as a pledge.” 

You grin at the mental image of Soonyoung wearing a fake toga made of bedsheets. “I bet you were adorable.” You take another sip of the drink (which tastes significantly worse when you aren’t comparing it to straight vodka) and miss Soonyoung scrambling for words. 

“I can’t drink this,” you declare, setting the can down. You cross the room to the fridge, opening it and studying the contents. Soonyoung follows you, resting his chin on the door and glancing inside. 

“Jihoon does most of the cooking,” you say, feeling self-conscious. Not much populates your fridge, a package of chicken breast and a carton of eggs. A couple containers of take out that are either two days or two weeks old sit in front, and the drawer of fruit that is filled with apples from Jihoon’s mother definitely smells funny. 

“I live in a frat house, this is heaven.” 

You flash him a smile and grab the orange juice, shaking it as you grab a glass from the cabinet (thank god Jihoon did the dishes last night). Soonyoung follows you back to the couch and waits for you to pour a glass and add two shots of vodka. You raise the glass and he takes your rejected White Claw and clinks it. 

“Cheers,” he says, sipping this one instead of chugging it. He sets it down and leans against the armrest so that he can face you. “How did you meet Jihoon, by the way? He seems like a pretty reserved dude.”

“Yeah, sorry if he was short with you, he isn’t half as mean as he pretends to be,” you say. 

“We actually talked a lot.” He pauses, tilting his head as he thinks about it. “Well, a lot about working out. I think I could turn him into my gym buddy with enough pressure.” 

“I would pay to see that,” you say. Jihoon tried to bring you to the gym exactly once, and you have regretted it ever since. The soreness haunts you, but you think Soonyoung might be one of the few people on the planet that could keep up with him with those arms. 

“I didn’t know you were into that,” Soonyoung says with a giggle. You roll your eyes. 

“You know for a fact that’s not what I meant,” you say, “and to answer your question, we lived in the same dorm freshman year. He was next door, and both our roommates were psychotic, so we ended up trading. We’ve been living together ever since because I’m the only one that can put up with his annoying ass. Also he cooks and keeps me alive during finals.” 

“I can’t believe I was a dorm assignment away from living with you.” Soonyoung shakes his head and pretends to sigh. “Fate isn’t on my side.” 

“Don’t you live in a frat house?” 

“Semantics,” Soonyoung says. He pauses. “Semen-tics.” He starts to laugh and though the joke is far from funny, you find yourself giggling too. 

“You’re drunk,” you say. 

Soonyoung points at you. “I’m pretty sure you’re drunk too.” 

You tilt your head from side to side, trying to think at first but the motion feels nice, toeing the line between dizzying and comfortable. Right, you were checking if you were drunk. You have your answer, but you don’t want to stop spinning just yet. 

“Do you really want to be a lawyer?” Soonyoung asks. You freeze with your head on your right shoulder, frowning at him. “I mean, like, how do you know?” 

“It makes good money,” you say. “Well, corporate law does. Everything going according to plan, I’ll be out of debt before I’m thirty, retiring at 65.” 

“But how do you know that’s what you want?” Soonyoung asks. You wonder if he’s asking you or himself. You think about the first day you met him. 

It was the first day of your sophomore year, 8 in the morning in the worst classroom in the Armhayer Building at the end of a dead end hallway with no windows. The business program had a required career building course and some cruel administrator decided to make the other available class clash with the other required business class for the year, so half the class was people you were stuck with for the full year. Despite its reputation, the business school at the university seemed to only accept idiots. 

You settled for a long semester of biting back your eye rolls and yawning through class, choosing a seat in the front so that at least you won’t have to look at anyone else. And for fifteen minutes, you struggled to keep your eyes open. 

Then Soonyoung walked in. 

He was out of breath, telling the professor that he got lost several times and someone gave him the wrong directions. You didn’t really pay attention to him until he dropped into the seat next to you. Fully prepared to give him a side eye and judge him for the rest of the semester, Soonyoung flashed a smile at you and apologized for disrupting you. He was so obviously not your type, yet when his head dropped on your shoulder, you didn’t wake him up. Two classes later when the professor told the class that you would be in a semester-long partner project, you didn’t hesitate to say yes when Soonyoung asked you. 

Soonyoung hadn’t ever taken the class seriously, going through the motions and doing the bare minimum for most of the assignments. You never paid any attention to it, but you realize that he never actually told you what he planned to do with his life, always asking you what you planned to do with your copious amounts of money. Now you wonder if it was because he really doesn’t know. 

“I want stability,” you finally say. “This plan is stable. Safe, as long as everything goes according to plan. I guess it’s not as cool as dreaming about being an astronaut or whatever, but it’s what I want.” 

“I think it’s cool. Knowing what you want to do.” Soonyoung says with little enthusiasm. 

“You don’t have any idea?” 

He shrugs. “I have to be smart to do the things I want to do.” 

“You are smart.” 

“You don’t have to pander to me, I’m not looking for your pity.” 

“Soonyoung.” You wait for him to look you in the eyes. “You are smart. This isn’t pity. Sure it takes you a little longer to read things, and you have to work a little harder to answer some questions, but that doesn’t mean you’re not smart. You’re just as capable as me, more capable when it comes to emotional intelligence. Have you ever noticed that wherever you go, someone is always waving to you? I don’t think there’s a single person in this world that doesn’t like you. Don’t downplay how important that is.” 

He chews on his lip and you know he doesn’t believe you. How many people have told him he’s dumb? You want to drag every single one of them here and make them apologize, make them realize how special the boy in front of you is. Eventually he shrugs. “I’ll just end up being an intern, and then I’ll be so charming they’ll promote me without realizing I don’t know what I’m doing and I’ll become a CEO that pays people to do the job for me.” 

You smile and shake your head. “We can vacation together in the Bahamas.” 

“Please, that’s where the semi-rich people go,” Soonyoung says, lifting his head from the back of the couch. “We’ll have our own islands and sail past each other.” This time when he smiles, the sparkle glints, just a little. His bleach blonde hair sticks in strange angles from rubbing against the couch, looking a little like a fuzzball. You reach a hand out and pat it down, except the hair is fried from being bleached so many times and almost breaks under your hand. 

When you pull your hand down, Soonyoung is staring at you. Except staring isn’t the right word. He looks at you like no one else ever has, a thousand unsaid words behind his eyes, a language like no other that maybe only you can understand. Those dark eyes, so soft and warm, begging you to drown in them. He’s a siren, luring you in with a song of desire that only you can hear. 

You don’t realize you’ve leaning closer until you fall forward, catching yourself on his chest. Soonyoung’s hand flies to your waist, moving so fast it must have been reflex. 

“Sorry,” you mutter but you don’t get off him. Resisting his eyes from this close is impossible. Soonyoung blinks at you, frozen. It occurs to you that you’re almost kissing him. All you have to do is lean forward, press your lips against his. Would his lips be chapped? Would he kiss you back? Would he make fun of you for being a terrible kisser? You hold your breath, wondering if you are about to find out. 

You jump at the bang of a door slamming shut. You push off Soonyoung’s chest, back to your side of the couch until your back slams against the armrest. The pain is almost enough to sober you up and you realize exactly what you were about to do. You can’t bear to look at Soonyoung staring at you so you look at Jihoon instead, who doesn’t seem to realize that he interrupted anything by walking into the kitchen, headphones blasting music so loud that you can hear it. He grabs one of the takeout containers from the fridge and finally notices you and Soonyoung staring at him. 

“What?” He shouts over his headphones. You shake your head and he stares at you all the way back to his room, slamming the door shut behind him with enough force to make you jump again. 

“We should probably start the movie,” you say, turning to face forward, anywhere but Soonyoung. “I’ll get my laptop.” He doesn’t say anything but you can feel Soonyoung’s eyes on you as you jump up. Ignoring the spinning in your head, you walk to your room. You lean against the door as soon as it shuts behind you, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. 

You wish you could blame the idiocy on the alcohol, but you aren’t drunk enough for that. Besides, regardless of the reason, it was a mistake, it would be a mistake, to kiss Soonyoung. No matter how badly you want to do it. 

Your computer sits on your desk. The longer it takes for you to get back, the stranger it will be, so you grab it and return to the couch. Dizziness gives you an excuse to peer at the floor, perfectly valid reason to avoid Soonyoung’s eyes. 

“Are you ready to have your mind blown?” He asks when you insert the DVD into your laptop. 

You raise your eyebrows but still don’t have the courage to face him. “It’s that good?” 

Soonyoung laughs easily, as if nothing happened. “You have no idea what you’re in for.” 

You peek at him from the corner of your eye. He faces the computer, sitting back against the couch. Other than his red tinted cheeks, you can’t tell he’s drunk at all. You have no idea what you’re in for, he said. He has no idea how right he is. 

.

.

You hold Soonyoung by the shoulders, staring him down. Your eyes begin to water but you hold them open, determined not to lose. Soonyoung squints, tears forming in the corner of his eyes. You just have to hold out a little longer, but your eyes begin to ache and the air pierces into them. 

“Damn!” Soonyoung cries, throwing himself back onto the couch and squeezing his eyes shut. You let go of his shoulders and resist the urge to rub your eyes, settling for blinking as fast as humanly possible. Your eyes burn but you smile anyways, wiping tears away with the back of your hand. 

“How are you so good at that?” Soonyoung asks. He gives into the impulse, hands pressed against his eyes. 

“I’m really not, I think you’re just bad at staring contests,” you say. “Now hurry up, you lost so you have to answer.” 

He sighs as if he didn’t beg you to help him study. With only a day before his test, you’re not sure how much this is really helping, but at least he isn’t partying with the rest of his frat (who do a pre-finals bar crawl, apparently). Instead, Soonyoung is on your couch, again. You try not to think about the last time he was here. Not productive thoughts, especially not when Soonyoung is one day away from taking the most important test of his life. 

“Is it B?” 

“Are you asking or telling?” 

“I hate when you say that.” He peers at the paper, eyes moving slowly as he rereads the line. “No, it’s C! Wait, no, B. No, A!” 

“Pick an answer.” 

He chews on his lip. You have to force yourself to keep your focus on his eyes. “B,” he finally says. 

You’re tempted to drag it out and make him wait but he puts on the Soonyoung Sparkle so you go ahead and nod. 

“I knew it! Trust your gut!” 

“You’re quoting me now.” You pretend to wipe tears from the corner of your eyes. “You’ve grown up so quickly.”  

If it were Jihoon, he’d roll his eyes but Soonyoung perks up, as if you’ve given him a real compliment. He pauses before asking his next question, eyes flickering to the papers separating you from him. 

“You really think I’ll do well?” He asks softly. 

You study him, the way his unnaturally blonde hair has been strategically gelled to stick up in all the right places, the way his plain white t-shirt hangs loose on his shoulders. You wonder what he sees when he looks in the mirror because the way he sits now, waiting for an answer as if you’d actually say no, breaks your heart a little. He really has no idea how brilliant he is, in every sense of the word. You don’t know how to make him see it so you just take his hand and wait for him to look you in the eyes. 

The second the glittering dark irises meet yours, you see the desperation. He tries to smile, to hide the fear but Soonyoung has always been easy to read. You fight the urge to brush your fingers against his cheek. 

“Soonyoung.” You squeeze his hand. What you feel isn’t a passing crush, you’ve known that for a while now. Admitting it doesn’t give you the bravery to do anything except pull the shield of cowardice around your heart a little tighter. “I’d be an idiot if I said I didn’t.” 

He holds your gaze a little longer, until it almost looks like he believes you. Then his eyes light up. “I have a surprise for you!” 

He digs into his backpack, pulling out a blanket (not the one he used when it was still warm enough to sit outside in the grass), a plastic water bottle half-full of bright green liquid, three crumpled flyers for events on campus, and finally, a small rectangular item, carefully wrapped in paper towels. 

“I was a little worried it would get damaged in my backpack,” he says. “I really, really tried to walk gently and didn’t bring it near any coffee.” 

You choose not to point out the unnatural liquid in the plastic water bottle, instead appreciating his efforts to protect whatever your surprise is. Besides, it’s not like he didn’t try. He carefully pulls the paper towels off, revealing a navy blue leather bound book with gilded lettering. Not just any book. 

“You got it back?” You cry. Soonyoung pulls the rest of the paper towels off to reveal the intricate design on the cover, the golden pages, with Pride and Prejudice inscribed on the spine. “My baby!” 

You hover over the book, not wanting to ruin it with the dirt and oils from your hands but so desperately wanting to caress the beautiful book. It’s just as you remember it, down to the tiny dent on the front cover where you accidentally knocked it against a railing. You can’t wait to put it back on your bookshelf where there has been an empty space ever since Jun managed to snag it. You remember Soonyoung is there when you hear his laughter. 

“You like it that much?” 

“Of course,” you say. “It’s my baby.” 

“It’s a book.” But he smiles and you know he’s just teasing. So you figure, why not? 

You throw your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. His frat-bro instincts must take charge because he doesn’t hesitate to hug you back, pulling you against his chest and squeezing you like he’s the one getting a gift. 

“Thank you,” you say. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” 

“This is my thank you,” he says. You can feel his voice rumbling in his chest, a strange sensation that sends butterflies tumbling around between your stomach and your heart. “It’s the least I could do for you. 

The awkward position isn’t exactly comfortable, twisting your body to face him with your shoulder overtop of his forcing your face into his neck but you don’t want to let go. You give yourself five more thundering heartbeats before you let go, turning to study your book again so you have an excuse to avoid his eyes. 

“How did you get it back?” 

“Same way you lost it,” Soonyoung says. “I made a bet.” 

“On what?” 

Soonyoung shrugs, turning to look at the book that still sits in his lip. He gently places it into yours, using the paper towels to prevent smudging with his fingers. 

You frown. “How? Jun is in another hemisphere.” 

“Don’t underestimate the power of video calls and express shipping,” Soonyoung says. “By the way, I’m wearing your friends down. Pretty soon they’ll like me more than they like you. 

“Oh really?” You raise your eyebrow. You ignore the vole gnawing at your gut whispering that he might just be right. 

“I got Jihoon to go to the gym with me and I got him to admit I was friends with you before he was,” he says, holding a finger out. “Jun says that he wants to meet me the second he returns to the country.” A second finger goes up. “Who else can I add to the list?” 

He’s only joking. He doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, but your skin wants to crawl inside out. The truth is, they are pretty much your only friends. Jihoon, Jun, and Soonyoung, the latter two having wormed their way into your life. My only friends. 

“You’ve got to start going on the offensive,” Soonyoung says. He avoids your eyes and you know he didn’t miss your discomfort. Great, now he pities you. “I’m serious, Seokmin and Joshua have been asking about you, and Seungcheol keeps complaining that he hasn’t met you yet.” 

You snort. “They’re frat bros, they just want more people to party with.” 

“I’m a frat bro,” he says. 

“Yeah, but…” But what? He’s Soonyoung? Once again, you wonder why he is so different to you–why the epitome of frat boy chaos doesn’t repulse you like he should. But he isn’t some one-dimensional steroid-infused party boy, not the type to bully the freshman trying to join just because he can. He gets drunk after two shots and makes his pledges follow him for 24 hours a day as “hazing,” only to take them for a dinner he can’t afford and skips his own classes so they don’t miss theirs. 

He’s not a typical frat boy. But Soonyoung loves his frat, and you can’t find a way to tell him this without making it sound like you are looking down on the rest of the members. 

So you just say, “Isn’t this supposed to be a study session?” 

Soonyoung sighs, pulling the book in front of him and staring at the words. Even though you can see that he isn’t reading, he doesn’t say anything else. 

“Your test is tomorrow,” you say. 

“Yeah, I know.” He doesn’t pick up the pencil. 

You’ve never struggled to read Soonyoung. He can’t hide when he’s upset, shoulders slumping, a little pout forming over his lips. He doesn’t fully frown but his eyebrows comes together, just a bit. And it’s usually easy to figure out what’s wrong–he’s tired, or wants to be at a party instead of studying. But now? He was fine just a moment ago, even while he was cramming earlier. 

“Is something wrong?” You don’t know why you’re so scared of the answer. 

“I just thought that… nNever mind.” He sighs again. “You’re right, this is a study session. I should be studying.” He doesn’t look at you and you can’t help but feel like you messed up. But Soonyoung eventually picks up his pencil and asks you to check his answers and the feeling slowly fades. 

Will the rest of your feelings fade when you aren’t with him like this anymore? When he takes his test and has no reason to see you every day? Will your heart still beat at the mention of his name? Will you spend the rest of your life thinking about all the almosts with him? Or will it fade until Soonyoung is just a boy that you helped because of a silly bet?

Even as you consider it, you know the answer. He isn’t just a boy, and he never will be. Maybe that’s what really scares you. 

.

.

You glare at Soonyoung. “Do you know what time it is?” 

Jihoon glances at his watch. “7:43.” 

Soonyoung grins beside him, arm over his shoulder. Both boys stand in your bedroom doorway looking far too composed for this ungodly hour. 

“It’s a Saturday.” Just two minutes ago you were in blissful sleep. Okay, maybe not blissful, since you stayed up until three in the morning because you couldn’t fall asleep, and you were having a weird dream where you were looking for something and ended up by the stadium staring at a giant duck statue instead of the raven. But the point is you were asleep until two fists banged on your door so loud you thought it was going to fall apart. 

You can’t even be that mad at Soonyoung, not when he smiles like that. So you glare at Jihoon.

“Honestly, I figured you would be up,” he says. “You were the one that said you didn’t think you were going to get any sleep.” 

“I’m sorry,” Soonyoung says. “I really just wanted to help distract you for the last hour.” Right. The last hour until your entire future would be determined by a triple digit number. No biggie. 

“Let me get dressed,” you say. They step back before you have the chance to slam the door in their face. You’d like to be able to dress up nicely, but you’re already shivering, so you grab your comfiest sweatpants and the sweatshirt Soonyoung lent you (that still smells like his cologne). You dart into the bathroom and meet the two boys in the doorway of the apartment, pulling on your sneakers. 

You pull the hood over your messy hair and tighten the strings. Soonyoung grins at you and taps your nose. 

“Ready to go?” 

“How did you get out of bed this early?” 

“Oh, I never got in,” he says. “Long story, but we gotta go, they won’t wait much longer.” 

“They?” You ask but Soonyoung doesn’t hear you. He turns to Jihoon, waving. 

“See you tomorrow!” He says, throwing an arm over your shoulders to pull you out the door. “I’ll let you know how it goes!” 

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” But he looks at you and smiles. “It’ll be fine.” Before you can thank him, he shuts the door. 

Soonyoung doesn’t let go of your side, pulling you to the elevators and squeezing you against him. “How are you feeling?” 

“Like I should be asleep.” 

Soonyoung smiles, as if your grumpiness is funny. You decide it’s moot since there’s no way you could fall asleep now that you are an hour and seven minutes away from finding out the results of your future. 

“I figured I’d save you from wallowing in worry,” Soonyoung says. “We can do fun things while we wait. I planned out the whole morning, we have options! There’s going to the gym, or for a job around campus, breaking into the science lab and petting the rabbits, going to Barb’s for breakfast–”

“Breakfast,” you say. You aren’t a huge fan of getting in trouble with the college when you have just over a semester before graduation and though you aren’t sure if your stomach will accept food, working out is a guarantee for throwing up. Besides, a hot cup of coffee could clear a little of the fog in your brain. 

“Barb’s it is,” Soonyoung says, practically bouncing on his toes. He really seems to only have two settings, and today he’s at 120%. 

He lets go of your side when the elevator opens and you step to the ground floor of your apartment. You rub your arms and pretend like the chill is from the weather even though the lobby is still warm. He holds the door for you pretending to be a doorman, bowing and gesturing with his arm for you to pass. You turn so that he doesn’t see that the silly gesture made you smile. 

Parked outside is a white jeep that looks larger than normal, and is apparently the asshole that’s been blasting their music for the past ten minutes. You aren’t surprised in the slightest when Soonyoung strides up to the car.  

“I don’t have a car,” he says, belatedly apologetic. The two men in the front seat don’t seem to mind, though you suspect they have been up all night along with Soonyoung as soon as the door opens and you hear their voices singing off-tune over the blasting music. 

“Boy, you got my heartbeat runnin' away,” The driver cries, using a water bottle as a mic. You recognize Seungcheol from Soonyoung’s descriptions, half from his voice and half from the back of his head. The person riding shotgun is also familiar, a mess of dark hair that must be Joshua. He doesn’t look much different in daylight, sunglasses resting on his forehead. Thankfully they turn the music down a little and stop singing when you get it. 

Seungcheol grins at you through the mirror. “So I finally get to meet the infamous YN. You know, you still haven’t shown up to any parties.” 

“I’ve been busy,” you say, glancing at Soonyoung who focuses a little too much on his seatbelt. 

“Hi, YN,” the passenger up front says, waving at you through the rearview mirror. 

“Joshua,” you say. “Get into life and death scenarios with Soonyoung recently?” 

“Well, Soonyoung jumped out of a car window.” He pauses. “It wasn’t moving,” he adds when Seungcheol jerks his head towards him. “Though I wouldn’t put it past him.” 

“I have done it before,” Soonyoung says solemnly. It takes him a moment to realize everyone is staring at him. “It was a dare.” 

“Why am I not surprised,” Seungcheol grumbles, turning back around and putting the car into drive. Though you were thinking something along the same lines, the way Soonyoung deflates a little makes you wish Seungcheol hadn’t said anything. 

The rest of the drive is quiet–at least in terms of conversation. Seungcheol cranks his stereo up to the loudest setting and blasts the Spice Girls until Joshua starts singing along. Apparently car karaoke for “Wannabe” is sacrilegious to the frat leader. 

You can hear yourself think again when the car pulls into the parking lot and he finally cuts the engine. A few cars line the parking lot of the 24 hour diner that sits on the outskirts of campus. The giant neon red Barb’s that hangs over the entrance flickers in the cloudy morning light teeters the line between quaint and electrical fire waiting to happen. 

The workers, a host and three waitresses, wave at the boys, and do a double take at you. You swear you hear the host whisper “Is that really them?” to Joshua as he leads the group to a table in the corner but Soonyoung distracts you with the menu. 

“I had this thing memorized since freshman year, I can’t believe you’ve never been here. The pancakes are my favorite for hangover cures, not that I’m hungover by the way, I’m actually running on my third energy drink.” He taps the picture, a golden stack of perfectly fluffy pancakes that can only be photoshop. 

“Aren’t energy drinks bad for your heart?” 

Soonyoung shrugs. “Joshua invented this to get through finals, you mix Red Bull, Bang, and Coke and it keeps you up for three days straight. Great for when you’re nervous because you physically have to do something about it.” 

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” you say. “Wait, why are you nervous?” 

“Your test results come out today,” he says too quickly.  

You consider debating with him but a waitress approaches, wearing a fifties frock and a high ponytail with a ribbon that probably looked like a bow at the start of her shift but has drooped down and now just looks sad. Her face is a mask of emotions, not a smile, not a frown, just emptiness, a contrast to the button clipped to her collar making her “Happy.” 

“The usual?” She asks, pausing at you. She tilts her head and you can see the mask twisting at the edges, a frown almost forming on her brow. She glances at Soonyoung. “Is this who I think it is?” 

“Who do you think it is?” Soonyoung asks at the same time that Joshua and Seungcheol say, “Yes.” 

The corner of Happy’s lips turn into a tiny smile that seems to be her equivalent of a grin. “I’ve heard so much about you.” 

“Okay, haha, very funny,” Soonyoung says. “Stop harassing my friend. We’ll order when we have a chance to look at the menu.”  

Happy raises her eyebrow just slightly at the word “friend,” but closes her notepad. She returns to a pastel pink bar where you can clearly see her whispering and gesturing to you. 

“Why do so many people know me?” You mutter, shrinking into the corner of the booth. 

“The thing about Drunk Soonyoung is that he doesn’t really shut up,” Seungcheol says. 

“That’s being gentle,” Joshua says. “One time he spent four hours describing Finding Nemo. That’s longer than the actual movie.” 

“It’s a good movie,” Soonyoung says. 

“The point is,” Seungcheol says, glaring at Joshua, “he tends to talk when he’s drunk. Usually about good things, things that he… Well, things that he likes.” 

You turn your head to look at Soonyoung, who is once again pretending to study the menu. “You like studying for the LSAT that much?” 

Joshua unsuccessfully tries to hide his laugh with a snort while Seungcheol gains slightly more success with a fake cough. Soonyoung doesn’t react at all, staring at the painted flowers on the menu. Eventually, he shrugs. “I’m dedicated to the bet.” He points at a stack of pancakes covered in bananas and chocolate. “That’s what I usually get.” 

“Isn’t against all rules of gym core and muscle building to eat decadent things?” 

“Did you just call working out ‘gym core?’” Seungcheol asks. 

“Am I wrong?” 

“Nope!” Soonyoung says brightly. “And cheat days are a thing, so do you want to split it or not?” 

“You know I can’t say no to bananas and chocolate.” 

“And pancakes!” He waves down the waitress and points to the stack. 

“Ah, the new Soonyoung,” she says. “You guys getting your actual usual?” 

Joshua and Seungcheol nod and she doesn’t bother to write any of it down. Then again she already knows their orders. Except she called Soonyoung’s “new.” Before you can ask what she meant, a shout makes you jump. You turn around to see a stream of boys entering, enough of whom you recognize that you realize at least half the frat has rolled into the diner. The waitresses roll their eyes and groan but somehow they don’t look all that upset. 

“Mr. President!” The tallest boy, Johnny according to Soonyoung’s Instagram tags, holds a fist over his heart and pounds it a couple times. Seungcheol nods and greets each of the boys, most of whom seem to still be in various stages of inebriation. Almost all of them glance at you and whisper to each other, and you get the feeling they know exactly who you are. 

Just what has Soonyoung said about you? 

“How are we doing on time?” One of them calls out. 

“46 minutes,” Joshua says. You frown. 46 minutes… until 9? Do they all know about today? 

You tap Soonyoung on the arm. “What’s going on?” 

“You see, the thing is,” he says, “apparently I was nervous?” He tries to fake a laugh but it sounds strained. “I don’t really know but the guys made me tell them about today and then I didn’t really know what was happening but I guess they followed us here? Thought you might like moral support, or something.” 

You peek out at the booths crowded with frat bros and cringe back into your seat when they grin at you. “They’re all looking at me.” 

“Well, I guess I do talk about you a lot,” he says, only loud enough for you to hear. He won’t meet your eyes. 

Ask him why. You want to be brave. You want to be right about the answer you think he’ll give you. You chew the inside of your cheek. 

“Because of the bet?” 

Soonyoung doesn’t answer for a moment. “I guess.” 

Coward. 

“Why are we whispering?” Joshua asks, leaning across Soonyoung towards you. “Are we gossiping?” 

Soonyoung pushes him off. “Butt out.” 

“Just telling Soonyoung that I’ve never had an army of drunk guys rooting for me before,” you say. 

“Could have had it sooner if you came to a party,” Seungcheol says. 

“You really want me at a party that bad? We just met.” 

Seungcheol glances at Soonyoung, who shakes his head. He sighs. “If only I could tell you why you need to come.” 

You frown between the three men. “I don’t like when people talk in circles over me.” 

“Just promise you’ll come to the Christmas party. It’ll all make sense then,” Seungcheol says. You’ve heard a lot about Seungcheol from Soonyoung, and the more you listen to him, the more you believe it. He’s a strange man. 

“I’ll think about making an appearance.” 

“Really?” Soonyoung whips around to face you and you know that you have to come now. You haven’t seen him this excited since you let him skip studying to party. No, he’s even more excited now. “You’ll come?” 

You can’t stand his gaze so you study the placemats. “Maybe.” 

He grabs your hand until you meet his eyes. “Please?” 

The Soonyoung Sparkle. You never win against it. “Fine.” 

“Get a room,” Joshua says behind a very fake cough. You pull your hand back into your lap and pretend like you aren’t embarrassed. 

“How long now?” You shout out.

“40 minutes,” someone answers. You groan and lean back into the sofa. Studying was hard enough but waiting makes you want to pull out each individual hair on your head. You stare at the ceiling, trying to decide if the stain looks more like a horse or a flower. 

“Look at this.” Soonyoung passes his phone in front of you, forcing you to look down. His Instagram is open to a picture of a kitten looking drunk, face covered in milk. Such and obvious attempt to distract you but you smile anyway. 

“Sweet,” you say and even you aren’t sure if you mean the cat or Soonyoung. He shows you cat pictures until the food finally arrives (33 minutes to go). You have to wait another five minutes because Soonyoung insists on having a photoshoot, despite your protests that you look like you just woke up (he raises his eyebrows at that). You stop fighting when Joshua makes him cut a piece of the pancake and feed it to you. Chocolate nearly drops in your lap but Soonyoung shoots his hand out at the last second and catches it. 

“Okay, can we please just eat,” you say. Joshua and Seungcheol shrug and pretend like they weren’t instigating the pictures and telling you and Soonyoung how to pose. 

Soonyoung was right about the bananas and chocolate. Rich and decadent, they’re delicious. When he cuts you a slice and pushes it toward you, you can even forget the countdown to the end of the world. Or, more accurately, the end of the world doesn’t mean anything to you when Soonyoung smiles at you like that. 

You eat slowly enough to bring you to the ten minute mark. Fear mixes with the dessert for breakfast in your stomach, twisting it until it threatens to jump out of your throat. Soonyoung takes your hand under the table and holds it. You don’t run away this time. 

He holds you to the planet again, keeps you from floating away and disappearing before you can reach the stars. It’s Soonyoung that keeps your heart beating. Always Soonyoung. 

Seungcheol and Joshua chat, Soonyoung piping in a few times, but their words don’t reach you. Stuck somewhere between crushed beneath the weight of the world and floating away, you focus on the clock, watching the seconds tick closer and closer. 

“Last minute!” Someone behind you finally shouts. Soonyoung squeezes your hand. You pull up the website on your phone and put in your login information and hover over the SUBMIT. At thirty seconds, they start shouting it out. 

“Ten!” 

“Nine!” 

“Eight!” 

“Seven!” 

“Six!” 

“Five!” 

“Four!” 

“Three!” 

“Two!” 

“One!” 

Half the guys start cheering already, probably forgetting the count down doesn’t mean as much as the results themselves. You hit SUBMIT and watch the little wheel spin around and around and around until it finally refreshes. The number stares back at you, impossible to read right in front of you. 

169. 

“Congratulations!” Soonyoung shouts, throwing his arms around you and squeezing while you try to comprehend what that means. 169. The number should be all you can think about but Soonyoung holds you, shouting how proud he is, how he always believed in you. 

“169!” Seungcheol shouts, miles away from your bubble. You can hear the guys break out into cheers, hear them chanting the number (which turns into 69) but it’s just you and Soonyoung. The world didn’t end and Soonyoung is still by your side. 

The rest of the morning is a blur. Every member of the frat insists on congratulating you, which mostly means a lot of hugs, though one of the more drunk guys tried to spin you around on his shoulder. You laugh when you’d usually frown and find your way back to Soonyoung’s side like a magnet. 

Maybe it’s the euphoria that gives you courage. 

“Hey Soonyoung?” 

“Hm?” 

You say it before you can think too much. “Maybe just the two of us next time?” 

He grins before you can finish speaking. “I’d love that.” 

.

.

You have the courtesy to let Soonyoung sleep in as much as he wants. You wait for him at Barb’s, trying to figure out how to call this a date. 

You’ve seen him a couple times since you got your score back, but you needed to study for finals and he had to make up for missing a lot of frat activities. You’ve only seen him in passing, nothing to fill the Soonyoung shaped hole in your heart. But today that will change. You will celebrate together and you will tell him how you feel. And then… you have no idea. 

It’s just Soonyoung there’s nothing to be nervous about. Too bad your body doesn’t agree with you. Every nerve stands at attention, jumping at the bell that rings when the door opens. You don’t worry when Soonyoung doesn’t get to Barb’s by 8:30 like he said he would. Even at 8:45, you aren’t worried. 

It’s only at 8:55 that you really start to wonder where he is. Maybe you should have picked him up. Knowing him, there’s a 50% chance he’s lying in a ditch after a failed attempt to recreate an impossible stunt from Fast and Furious. At 9, you call him. Between each silence in the ring, you wait for his voice but it never comes. He uses the automated voicemail, so you don’t even get his voice telling you to leave a message. 

The anxiety turns to fear while you wait. The door rings and you see a fluff of bleach blonde hair and jump up. But though you recognize the face, it isn’t Soonyoung. 

Chan, one of the younger members of the frat, with Mingyu and a guy whose name you forgot. They all have the same look in their eyes when they see you, far too much like pity. 

“You’re YN, right?” Mingyu asks. “You’re supposed to meet Soonyoung?” The two guys with him, easily identifiable as frat members between their unkempt hair and sweatshirts plastered with Greek letters, stop mid conversation and glance at each other. 

“Is he okay?” You ask, still standing in the awkward position in the booth. 

“He’s got his score back,” Mingyu says. 

“We were supposed to–” 

“Yeah, I know,” Mingyu says. “It was a 167. You should really talk to him yourself.” He pauses, glancing at his frat brothers but they shrug. “He’s at the house. See if you can talk some sense into him.” 

You’re too afraid to ask any other questions so you just watch Mingyu and the other two walk past, and pretend that they aren’t whispering and stealing glances at you. 

Going to a frat house was never on your bucket list but your feet travel without guidance. You find yourself in front of a rather nondescript house. No bodies hang out from windows, no one is passed out in the yard. Then again it’s a weekday. 

You pause at the door, wondering if you should knock. You tap your hand on the door and it slides open, the latch bolt pushed completely in. You step inside tentatively, peeking around but it’s quiet. You turn the corner to find an open room and Soonyoung sitting on a couch, glass with a bright liquid in his hand. He doesn’t even look at you. 

“Are you seriously drunk right now?” 

Soonyoung just shrugs, taking another sip from the glass. Even from here you can smell that it’s more tequila than fruit punch. 

You shake your head, crossing the room sitting beside him even though he didn’t invite you to sit down. He was considerably cuter the last time you saw him drunk. You’ve gotten used to the power of Soonyoung’s facial expressions, his smiles, his frowns, the way his eyes glaze over when he’s bored, the way they gleam when he daydreams; they’re as precious to you as Soonyoung himself. But his face is a clean slate now, not a smile, not a frown, just a blank stare. 

“You know a 167 is still insanely good, right?” 

He shakes his head. 

“Soonyoung.” He doesn’t look at you, so you grab his drink. Any other day and you would have failed miserably but his alcohol-impaired senses make him slow enough for you to get a hand on the half-empty glass. He glares at you but you don’t yield, tightening your grip and pulling the bottle even harder. 

“Let go,” you growl. “Talk to me like a normal human.” 

He shakes his head, pulling on the glass so you yank back, except you overestimate how weak he is like this, and the glass flies out of his hand, the contents spilling all over you. The red liquid sinks into your blue sweater, soaking you through all three layers. 

“What the hell?” Soonyoung says. 

“That gets your fucking attention? Spilling your drink?” You say. “You know, I really thought you were different.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You’re acting like a child. So you didn’t win the bet. Who fucking cares? Do you know how hard it is to get higher than a 160? Soonyoung, you are smart, and you worked so hard for this. You could go to law school with that score. You could graduate above a 2.3 if you stopped acting like a stereotypical fuck bro and actually studied. 

“You know, you could actually be something if you wanted. You don’t have to get a degree and work at a corporate job that sucks your soul away until the Soonyoung that actually matters is gone. I know it’s easier this way, but if you actually tried to dream, you could do something. I don’t get it, honestly. Because everyone thinks you’re an idiot you act like one? Is that what it is?” 

“You don’t have to pretend like you don’t think the same thing.” 

You snort. “I don’t, but clearly you won’t believe me. You think that if you have to work for something then it’s not worth it when you could be so much more.” 

“Why do you even care?” Soonyoung asks, looking you in the eyes for the first time. For a moment, you think you might actually be wrong, because all you see in his eyes is pain. A physical force that constricts your heart and makes you weak in the knees, Soonyoung looks at you like he’s been fighting a war you never knew about, like he’s been suffering in silence for a lifetime. He looks at you like you’ve broken his heart. 

Why do I care? You could scoff. Because I’ve been in love with you ever since you fell asleep on my shoulder. I’ve been fighting this stupid crush for so long that I don’t know who I am without it. I don’t know who I am without you. I care because every day the world proves that we aren’t worthy of this planet, that love can’t solve all problems yet you make me question it all. You don’t just bring light into my life, you make it glitter. And I can’t tell you any of this. 

“I don’t know.” The lie tastes bitter but it’s still sweeter than rejection.

“Then why are you here?” Soonyoung looks away. Without his eyes pinning you down, you can breathe again, but every inhale still drags against your heart. You stand up. Afterall, you don’t have an answer for him. 

“I take it back. You are an idiot,” you mutter over his head as you walk past him. You make it to the corner of the street before the tears finally spill over your cheeks, and all the way back to your room before you can’t breathe. 

.

.

Without the distraction of finals, you are left with your own thoughts, your words and Soonyoung’s floating around your head. You have always been something of a hermit but you’ve become J.D. Salinger himself, only leaving your room to sneak into the kitchen and scrounge for scraps of junk food that Jihoon hasn’t thrown away yet. You watch so much reality TV that you start to dream about it. 

Every episode the people, a family living on a homestead that just happens to dress in brand name clothes and drive a Benz, fight and cry and make up. You yell at the mother when she forces her daughter to change because she didn’t think polka dots are appropriate and cry along with the daughter when she starts to sniffle in her confessional, wondering if her mother would ever approve of her choices, whether it was clothes or the people she wants to date. 

You bet your confessional would be a hit if it was ever filmed. Tears run down your cheeks as you practice it in the mirror, choking out an apology for calling him an idiot and telling the whole world what you aren’t brave enough to tell him. 

Jun calls but you can’t answer. He leaves three voicemails: an apology, a goofy one telling you he’ll be back soon, and a final one, yelling at you to pick up or at least let him know you’re alive. You text him an apology you don’t know if you mean. He says thank you anyway and doesn’t call again. 

You have no plans to change your schedule (wake up, steal food, cry, sleep) but on the third day you run out of goldfish and can’t find anything in the kitchen that doesn’t make you nauseous. To make matters worse, despite the fact that it’s seven in the morning (the earliest you’ve woken up since the Fight), Jihoon catches you. 

You’ve successfully avoided him and his inevitable lecture, slamming your door shut and ignoring his knocks but he catches you off guard today. He sneaks in from his morning workout wearing a black t-shirt and slides that he somehow manages to walk stealthily in, scaring you when you close the fridge and find him standing where the door was. 

“Are you done hiding?” 

“I’m not hiding,” you mutter. 

He folds his arms. 

“Fine,” you say. “I’m not done hiding.” 

“Well too fucking bad,” Jihoon says. You try to step past him but he holds his arm out. You’ll never beat him in a physical fight so you step back, shaking your head. 

“Have it your way. Go ahead.” You wave your hand. “Get it all out. Yell at me or lecture me or whatever, I don’t care. You’re going to tell me that I’m an idiot? That I shouldn’t be so afraid of rejection, that I’m blind to how he feels? 

“Or are you going to tell me that I shouldn’t trust someone like him? That I shouldn’t be crying over a goddamn frat boy, I’m better than this, I’m better than him.” You choke back a sob, not sure what words are coming out anymore. You wipe at the tears in your eyes and are so focused on trying not to cry that you don’t notice Jihoon walking away. You do see him come back, blurry shape coming into focus as you blink away the tears. He holds something in his hand, a navy blue square. A throw pillow from the couch? 

He shifts it in his hand until he holds the corner with the zipper, swinging it a couple times back and forth. Then he yanks his arm back and arcs the pillow in a wide loop, landing directly on your head. 

“Ow!” You cry but Jihoon just swings again, hitting your arm this time. He hits you so hard it knocks you off balance, sending you to the floor. Jihoon doesn’t hesitate, swinging the pillow into you again and again, every inch of you. 

“You. Are. An. Idiot.” He grunts out each word with a blow. “You really think you’re better than him?” 

He finally pauses, not even breathing heavily. You shake your head to answer him. “Of course not.” 

“Good,” he says. Then he hits you again and again and again. 

“Ow, Jihoon, what the hell?” You bury your head in your knees and hold your arms over you, trying in vain to protect yourself. 

“I’m not your babysitter,” he says. “I’m not your father, or your brother, or any of that shit. I’m your best friend and you’re being an idiot and I’m not going to stop hitting you until you get some sense knocked into you.” He freezes, as if realizing exactly what he said. “Wait, no–that’s not what I mean, shit, sorry, but–” 

You peek out from your arms and find Jihoon opening and closing his mouth, trying to figure out what to say. He looks like a fish out of water, and it occurs to you he is a fish out of water. He’s never had to comfort you before, probably never had to comfort anyone. No wonder he’s so bad at it. 

You wouldn’t laugh at him and borderline abuse, but your emotions are beyond fried, and he just looks so funny standing over you with a pillow raised, still sputtering half apologies. You try to stop the laugh before it comes out but it turns into a snort and then you can’t stop laughing, tears that you tried to push back falling freely. You lay back on the floor and laugh until your sides hurt, only vaguely aware of Jihoon laughing above you. Eventually he joins you on the floor. 

“You know what I meant,” he says. The pillow rests on the floor between his legs, all the fluff on the far end from the one-sided pillow fight. 

“I knew what you meant without the pillow.” 

“Too bad,” Jihoon says. “I’m tired of listening to the theme song of that god awful show. You could at least watch something like–” 

“I swear if you bring up an anime, you’ll feel exactly how hard that pillow can hit.” 

Jihoon laughs, patting it a couple times. “I saw him the other day. He looked tired.” He pauses but you don’t dare speak. “We didn’t speak. I don’t even think he saw me. But it doesn’t matter because I’m not the one he needs to talk to.” 

“I know,” you say. 

“Then why are you still on the floor?” 

Because you’re scared. Because it would be easier to just give up now, for once to ignore putting in the hard work and just let it pass. But just because it’s the easy option doesn’t mean it’s the right option. At the very least you need to apologize to him. 

“What if he hates me?” 

Jihoon snorts. “Then he’ll get some pillow violence too.” He pauses. “He doesn’t, though.”

“It doesn’t mean that it will turn out okay.” 

“No, it doesn’t,” Jihoon says. “But no matter what happens, you’ll deal with it. And even if it absolutely sucks in the moment, eventually it will be over, and it sure as hell will be better than that stupid fucking show.” 

You nod, setting your chin on your knees. Your stomach turns in anticipation for what you will have to do, but he’s right. It’s time to stop running. Tonight is the Christmas party, and you were never formally uninvited. Somehow you doubt Seungcheol will throw you out. It’s time to get off the floor and get ready. 

“Have you ever thought of being a life coach?” 

“Hell no.” 

.

.

What am I doing here? You fake a smile at Seungcheol and swallow the shot as fast as you can, grimacing as the vodka burns everything from the inside of your mouth to the depths of your stomach. You should have just stuck to your mixed drink only policy but Soonyoung always has you breaking your rules. Even when he isn’t with you. 

Seungcheol disappears as soon as you take the drink, and you don't see anyone else you are comfortable enough to chat with, though that list is quite short. You do a turn of the house, which looks marginally better than the last time you saw it ,the benefit of bad lighting. It’s already crowded with more people than you’ve ever seen on campus. You make your way through each room on the lower floor, finding more than a couple bleach blondes. None are who you’re looking for. You stop in the living room, where you saw him last. 

“He isn’t here.” You turn at the voice. An unfamiliar boy stands next to you, holding a half-empty Smirnoff Ice. “He went to visit family or something.” He pauses, looking you up and down. “At least that’s what he said.” 

You nod. You find it doesn’t surprise you that he seems to know who you are. You suppose you’ve grown used to it, just one of the side-effects of being close with Soonyoung. Though it’s still strange, it doesn’t make you uncomfortable anymore. Or it wouldn’t, if you didn’t think this stranger is implying that it’s your fault Soonyoung isn’t at the ‘Party of the Year.’ 

You can’t stand his gaze so you make your way back towards the drinks, grabbing the first bottle you could find and chugging half of the lukewarm drink. It tastes like a fruit you can’t recognize and carbonation and the more you drink the harder it is to swallow but you force it down. 

You came to apologize. He isn’t here, so why do you stay? Because you promised him? Do you really miss him that much? That you would come here and suffer through all this chaos, just for the memory of him? It doesn’t make any sense but you think that might be a side effect of the alcohol. You get another drink just in case you’re still sober. 

.

.

Your head pounds, the aching feeling of the stage between drunk and sober. Normally you’d like to be sound asleep by now, or at least in the comfort of your home, but you can’t bring yourself to leave. It’s hot and sweaty, the music is way too loud, and you can’t find water anywhere, but you stay anyway, because you’re an idiot that fell in love. 

You curl up on the couch, opposite of a couple making out as if the room isn’t full of people, waiting for just a glimpse of him that will never appear. Even drunk, you think it’s pitiful, but you can’t stop. 

You didn’t think you could fall asleep in all the noise but you open your eyes when you feel the world tilt sideways. You’re vaguely aware of the arms underneath your legs and back, cradling you against someone’s chest. No, not just someone. 

Because you aren’t enough of an idiot, you can tell it’s him, his sweet scent, maybe even just his arms. Soonyoung carries you out of the living room and up the stairs, the blaring music fading only slightly. 

“I thought you weren’t here,” you mumble. 

Soonyoung frowns down at you. “You okay?” 

You shake your head, suddenly realizing there are tears in your eyes. No, I’m not okay, I love you, you want to say. He squeezes you a little tighter, trying to hug you while still carrying you. 

With your head resting against his chest, you can fully appreciate his beauty. His hair is black, which suits him even though he looks nothing like your Soonyoung anymore. You reach up and trace the lines of his face that are unchanging, the sharp straight line of his jaw, the gentle curve of his nose, his soft eyebrows. You drop your hand when you realize he’s staring at you, belatedly realizing you never got to his lips. You can only imagine how soft they’d be, soft like Soonyoung himself. 

“You’re crying,” Soonyoung says softly. You can’t tell if he’s talking to you or not. He pauses in front of a door, struggling to open it without dropping you. Finally the door swings open and he sets you down on a bed, taking a deep breath and sitting beside you. 

He brushes the tears from your eyes, as Soonyoung as ever. Sweet as ever. Sweet and Soonyoung. They should be the same word. You make a mental note to email Merriam-Webster’s dictionary and make the suggestion. 

Soonyoung doesn’t say anything, just watching you with those perfect eyes. His hand rests on your face even though the tears are long gone, thumb tracing shapes on your cheek. 

“You swore you’d do anything for me,” you say. 

“Anything,” Soonyoung repeats. 

You turn to the walls, knocking his hand off your cheek, not daring to look him in the eyes. Even drunk, you are a coward. He’s put up pictures on his wall, a couple Polaroids but mostly printed pictures, with the frat, some childhood pictures, and one that you recognize. The picture of the two of you at the beach that you thought you didn’t send, where you are looking at him with all the love in your heart. You trace his smile, blinding even in paper form. 

“Could you maybe try loving me back then?” You mumble. Your eyes feel heavy between the alcohol and the tears and you’ve said what you needed to say, so you let them take over, closing your eyes and letting the blasting music from downstairs drown out any thoughts. And because it’s so loud and you’ve already drifted off to sleep, there’s no way you could hear his answer. 

“I already do.” 

.

.

The first thing you do when you wake up is throw up. You make it out of the bed but not to the bathroom, mostly because you don’t actually know where it is. You grab the nearest bucket-shaped item, which happens to be a mostly empty trash can. You lean away as soon as you’re done, breathing through your mouth and looking away from the mess. Belatedly, you realize someone is patting your back, brushing hair out of your face. 

“Better?” Soonyoung asks. His knees rests against your lower back, one hand resting on your back, the other caressing your face. Thank god you already threw up because looking at him makes your stomach twist again and if there was anything in you, it would come up again. If you could throw up your heart, you would. As it is, the organ is trying to climb its way up your throat, whether it’s guilt or heartbreak you don’t know. 

 You nod in answer to his question, letting him help you up. Your head pounds and though you know you won’t throw up again, your stomach flips. Right, your policy of mixed drinks is definitely reinstated after this. 

“Sorry I threw up in your trash can,” you say. 

“Believe me, that is not the worst that trash can has seen,” Soonyoung says. “Wait, that sounds bad, I didn’t mean it in a weird way, I just mean–” He stops himself, shaking his head. “It’s a frat house.” 

“It’s your room,” you say softly. With sober (albeit heavily hungover) eyes, you take in the room again. It’s tiny, one bed pushed against a wall with a desk set right next to it. Unsurprisingly, it’s stacked with protein powder and a pile of frat flyers, laptop balancing off the edge, not a paper in sight. Except for the one next to his bed, the walls are bare, an ugly shade of beige except for a circle filled with white plaster that looks suspiciously like the reformed crime scene of a fist going through drywall. It must be from whoever owned the room before Soonyoung. 

The wall next to his bed is covered in pictures. You remember being amazed by them last night. Your eyes zero in on the picture of the two of you, right next to the pillow that’s still dented from your head. 

“Did I steal your bed?” You frown except the movement hurts your head. 

“I slept in Johnny’s room since he’s decided to disappear off the face of the planet instead of accepting the fact that he graduates next semester,” Soonyoung says. “I actually just came in here for some clothes, which reminds me.” He rummages through a drawer, pulling out a wrinkled t-shirt and handing it to you. “If you want a change.” 

You glance down and feel like throwing up all over again. Your favorite shirt is covered in stains, alcohol, vomit, and something you definitely don’t want to name. If you weren’t feeling so terrible already, you’d cry that Soonyoung is seeing you like this. 

“I’ll get you a toothbrush, too,” he mutters, disappearing and leaving you to scramble to switch shirts. The white dri-fit is meant to be a workout shirt, though it’s clear that it would be oversize on Soonyoung. Either way, the soft fabric is gentle on your skin, much better than the jeans you slept in. Too bad you’re stuck in them until you get back to your apartment. 

You could run away right now. Soonyoung probably wouldn’t be surprised. But he’s being nice to you, so much nicer than you deserve. Sweet and Soonyoung. But you came here to apologize, and though last night got derailed, you can’t keep running from it. Besides, it’s not like the morning can get much worse. 

So when Soonyoung comes back proudly brandishing an unopened toothbrush that he may or may not have stolen from Seungcheol’s bathroom, you accept it gratefully. You stare yourself down in the bathroom, fighting nausea and an impending migraine because you have a mission to achieve, a real mission unlike last night. It’s still a haze, but you don’t think you’ll ever forget how gently Soonyoung cradled you against his chest, the brush of his fingers on your cheek. If he didn’t show up this morning, you’d think it was a dream. 

Soonyoung’s door is open when you finish but he isn’t in his room. You grab your bag from the floor and venture down the stairs, leaning heavily on the railing. There’s a couple people passed out in the living room, and one person snoring softly in the kitchen, head folded in his arms in a position that must be incredibly painful for his neck. But it’s where you find Soonyoung, digging through the fridge and finally pulling out a water bottle. He hands it to you, along with a bottle of pills. 

“Thank you,” you sigh, not even bothering to check the label for the brand. You take a couple and chug half the bottle, gaslighting yourself into believing that it will instantly revive you (it doesn’t work and your head still pounds). 

“Are you hungry?” Soonyoung asks. He opens the fridge again, this time wide enough to show the shelves that are filled with beer, vodka, and White Claws. There’s a pizza box and some eggs, but not much else. 

“How are any of you alive?” You ask softly, glancing at the snoring person on the counter. 

“Yuta can sleep through an apocalypse, don’t worry about him,” Soonyoung says, waving his hand. He closes the fridge, leaning against it. “And most of us keep our actual food in mini-fridges. I just cleared mine out for break, so I don’t have anything in it.” He doesn’t say anything else about vanishing. 

“I’m pretty sure that pizza has been in there since the start of the semester and I’ve never seen eggs in here before though, so I don’t think you should risk any of this,” Soonyoung says. “McDonald’s fries are a far superior hangover cure, they’ve never failed me.” 

“There’s a McDonald’s nearby?” 

Soonyoung grins, pulling keys out of his pocket and spinning them around his fingers a couple times, except they fly off and clatter on the floor. The man asleep on the counter, Yuta apparently, stirs but doesn’t move. You can’t help but smile as Soonyoung scrambles to retrieve them from the floor. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was flustered. 

“There isn’t one,” Soonyoung explains, leading the way to the door. “But I have the keys to Seungcheol’s car.” 

“I’m not really comfortable with grand theft auto,” you say, though you don’t stop following him to Seungcheol’s giant white Jeep. 

“He gave me the keys last night when I walked in,” Soonyoung says. “Something about owing me. He was pretty drunk.” He darts around to the passenger side before you can, opening the door for you. He waves his hand when you frown at him, as if you’re the one acting strange. Thinking with this headache is too hard so you just get into the car and strap the seatbelt on. 

“I can’t believe you thought I’d steal a car,” Soonyoung says. He turns the engine on and scans the front of the car before finally settling his right hand on the gear shift. 

“You have driven this car before, right?” 

“Of course,” Soonyoung says a little too fast. You grab onto the door handle and hope that your stomach really is empty. 

Soonyoung’s driving isn’t the worst you’ve ever experienced; that title goes to Jihoon, who was banned from touching car keys after his Mario Kart driving. That said, you think he’s a good second place. He slams on the gas and the brakes too hard and drives altogether too fast. He blasts the radio and sings along purposefully off key. You should be terrified but it’s the most fun you’ve ever had riding in the passenger seat. 

“I’m never riding with you again,” you say, breathless from laughing. He pulls to a stop at the red light, the Golden arches of your destination still one light away. “You know yellow lights mean slow down right?”

“I stopped at this one!” Soonyoung says. “I’ll have you know I haven’t been in an accident.” He pauses. “Since I was nineteen.” 

You nod, pursing your lips to stop yourself from smiling fully. “That’s what I figured.” You peek at Soonyoung and he’s smiling too. 

So different from the last time you saw him. You don’t deserve this. You shouldn’t be able to laugh and joke around with him so easily, not when you still haven’t apologized. And Soonyoung shouldn’t be looking at you like that, genuine fondness in his eyes. 

“The light’s green,” you say. His smile fades a little when he turns his head and drives ahead, stepping lightly for once. You’re so close now, but a car going straight in the right lane prevents him from turning. 

The pain medicine must have kicked in because your headache is slowly fading, replaced by heartache that no medication can cure. 

“Why are you being so nice to me?” You blurt out. 

The blinker beeps a steady rhythm in the empty silence. “Isn’t it obvious?” 

“Nothing’s ever obvious with you, Soonyoung,” you say softly. 

“Oh.” The light turns green and he guides the car slowly into the parking lot, stopping in a spot instead of pulling up to the drive through. As soon as the car is in park, he turns to face you. There’s a crease in his forehead that you recognize from the rare occasions that he would actually talk to you seriously. “YN, I genuinely thought I was being clear about this from the beginning, but if you still really don’t get it, then I’ll say it straight up: I like you. I’ve liked you since the day we met and then I fell in love with you. 

“Did you know you’re the first person that’s ever genuinely believed in me? I mean, I know I have friends, and my family means well, but they always get this look in their eye whenever I talk about trying for things, like it was cute that I was trying, but they never actually believed in me. And I started to believe them too. I started to believe that I couldn’t believe in myself.” He frowns. “That makes no sense. The point is, you are the reason I started to believe in myself again. 

“No one’s ever looked at me like you do. No one’s ever told me to get my shit together–well, they have, but you’re the only one that told me it was because I could be better. 

“You say it wasn’t obvious, but I’ve tried to tell you a thousand times. I flirted, I tried to ask you on a date so many times, and I finally accepted that you’d never see me like that, so I was a dick. I told you off, even though you were right. I’m so sorry for that, and I’m sorry I ran away, and I’m sorry it took me so long to apologize.” 

“Stop,” you say. Soonyoung’s eyes widen, tears welling up, and you realize he thinks you’re rejecting him. “Stop apologizing!” His brow creases in confusion, an adorable frown. Summoning all your courage, you reach out, resting your hand on his. “I’m the one that’s sorry. I didn’t have any right to judge you and the choices you were making, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you when I knew how much the bet meant to you.”

You squeeze his hand, closing your eyes. “And I think I was a little oblivious on purpose. I’m not the kind of person that has crushes, let alone crushes that like me back, so I freaked a little and missed all the signs.” You open your eyes and grin at him. It’s easy to feel brave when he smiles back at you. “But I like you, Soonyoung. I like you so much, I don’t have enough words to express it. My whole life has been about my future, my career, and it’s exhausting, but being with you makes it all exciting again. Like, no matter what happens, if you’re with me, it won’t just be okay, it’ll be fun.” 

Soonyoung beams. “Really?” 

You squeeze his hand. “I like you.” Like the first time you took the LSAT, you can’t think of a single word, except instead of damning your future this feels like the start of it. Soonyoung sits across from you and you don’t need words. 

You don’t know how long you sit there, but reality sets in when your stomach growls. You glance outside the window and remember where you are. “Did you just confess to me in a McDonald’s parking lot?” 

“Better than drunk in my own bed.” 

“I didn’t!” You let go of his hand to hide your face. 

Soonyoung grins. “You were cute!” 

“I don’t remember it, it doesn't count!” 

“Whatever you say,” Soonyoung says, leaning over the center console. He gently pulls your hands away from your face, hand circling your wrist gently. You instinctively hold your breath, though you don’t lean away. Soonyoung leans a little closer, forehead resting against yours. 

“This okay?” He whispers, breath kissing your lips, and you remember that less than an hour ago, you were throwing up. Your head still aches and your stomach is still queasy and your whole body feels disgusting. 

“We are not having our first kiss in a McDonald’s parking lot,” you say, leaning back. Soonyoung sighs, but he sits back in his chair, settling for grabbing your hand and interlacing his fingers with yours. 

“Fine,” Soonyoung says. He rubs his thumb back and forth, and when you meet his eyes, you see a familiar glint of trouble. “You know I’m still sworn to you. Whatever you want.” 

The words go straight to your heart. You could live a thousand lives and never meet someone as genuine as Soonyoung. You know that he means it, heart and soul, that he’d do anything for you. And it should be terrifying that he’s willing to bear his heart for you, that you are willing to do the same. But it’s Soonyoung. It’s easy to trust him with it, because even though he breaks half the computers he touches and can’t hold onto a pencil for his life, he won’t ever drop your heart. 

I love you. One day you’ll be able to say it, one day you’ll scream it like you so desperately want to. But until then, you settle for his certified brilliant smile and the gentle brush of his lips on the back of your hand, only letting go to turn the engine back on. 

“Let’s get you some fries,” he says. “Then kisses?” 

You shake your head and laugh, slipping your hand back into his. 

Before he can put the car into gear, his phone rings. He stares at the screen for a moment, frowning like he can’t decide whether he should answer it or not. Finally he slides the green across, turning on speaker. 

“Hey Seungcheol, I’m with—” 

“Where the hell are you? And where is my car?” Seungcheol’s voice is somewhere between angry and concerned. “You think it’s okay to vanish and then show up only to steal my car?” 

“First of all, you gave me the keys,” Soonyoung says. He glances at you. “And I’m at McDonald’s because YN desperately needed a hangover cure.” 

“Hey,” you say so Seungcheol knows you’re there. 

The line is quiet for so long you think Soonyoung’s phone has finally given up on him but eventually he says, “You’re with YN?” 

“We talked,” he says. “And we’re good.” 

You snort. “That’s how you’re going to describe it?” 

“Are we not good?” 

You glance at your hand still intertwined with his, the Soonyoung Sparkle glittering back at you when you look him in the eyes. Good? There’s not a word to describe how you feel right now. 

“We are beyond good.” 

.

.

“Are you crying?” You whisper. Soonyoung shakes his head, chin brushing against your head but when he inhales again, he sniffles. You reach up to pat his cheek and are entirely unsurprised when it’s wet. On screen Elle Woods continues her speech, for once not wearing pink. 

“She’s just so cool,” Soonyoung says. You lift your head off his chest so you can look him in the eyes. The temptation to tease him is hard to resist but he pouts his lips and you see another tear slip out. You kiss his cheek, out of habit more than anything. Strange how much can change in two weeks, how something you’ve never imagined doing has become natural. But being with Soonyoung is just like that. New and old at the same time, the kind of comfort that has you planning how to make this last a lifetime. 

Soonyoung wraps his arms around you tighter, so you nestle back into his chest, turning away from the end of the movie to close your eyes and breathe in his cologne. 

“I can’t believe you’ve never seen this,” you whisper, lips brushing against his neck. “The whole bet was based on a movie you haven’t seen.” 

“You’re missing the end,” he says. His voice rumbles in your ear, drowning out his heartbeat. 

“I’ve seen it before.” Your bed really isn’t built for two people to lay down together. You are laying more on Soonyoung than the mattress but it’s not the first time. From the way he holds you, you doubt it’ll be the last. 

The credits roll too quickly, but Soonyoung still doesn’t let go. He pulls you up so that your head is next to his, nose centimeters away from yours. 

“So am I officially qualified to go to law school?” He asks. 

“You are Elle Woods certified,” you say. “But you’re sure that’s what you want?” 

“I mean I have to get in. But I figure if I’m going to waste away at a desk, I might as well do it for something I believe in.” He pauses. “With someone that believes in me.” He presses a kiss to the side of your neck, breath tickling the sensitive skin. You can’t help but sigh. 

“That doesn’t mean it’s what you want,” you say, after several heartbeats of struggling to think. 

“I want…” His words “To be with you. However you’ll have me.” His arms loosen, hands sliding down to your waist. 

“Still not answering the question,” you breathe out but you can’t even remember what the question is, not when he’s shifting to lay on top of you, lips inching their way up your neck. He kisses your jaw, your cheek, the corner of your lips, then stops, pulling away and meeting your eyes again.

The Soonyoung Sparkle. The grinch has nothing on you–your heart swells so large it feels like it’s going to explode out of your chest–Alien style. Does he know what he does to you? How he’s made everything in your life shine? How happy you are when he’s with you? 

“I love you,” you whisper. 

Soonyoung blinks at you. “You…” 

“I love you,” you say again, this time with more confidence. “I really, really love you.” 

Soonyoung grins, leaning down and pressing his lips to yours, moving like the world outside has stopped. He makes a bubble around you again, or maybe it’s your own heart; either way the only thing that exists is the way his hands inch up your shirt, the way his lips begin to press harder against yours. You give up on coherent thoughts, settling for wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him closer. 

“I love you, too,” Soonyoung whispers between kisses. “If that wasn’t obvious.” 

Soonyoung who always treated you like you were enough already. Soonyoung who does everything with 100% of his heart. Soonyoung who has always been sincere with you, from the first day you met him. Soonyoung, who you are so lucky to be loved by. 

You don’t know how to say any of this in a way that makes sense so you let his fire melt you until you are putty in his arms. He pulls away, and the Soonyoung Sparkle burns, your personal stars flickering back at you.  

“You want to–” Soonyoung starts to say, but the door slams open. Then Soonyoung falls on you, pillow rolling off his head. 

“I’m taking this back!” Someone shouts while you hear Jihoon cursing. 

“Read the room, idiot!” Soonyoung pushes off of you, sitting up and pulling your shirt down as smoothly as he can. You sit up, trying to decide if you should be embarrassed or angry. Facing Jun, frozen midstep with his jaw hanging open a little and Jihoon in the doorway with his arms folded, shaking his head slightly, you opt for the latter. 

“Does no one knock in Colombia?” You frown at him. “And when did you get back? Why didn’t you call?” 

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” he mumbles, staring at his feet. “And you were supposed to be alone, according to my sources.” He glares at Jihoon. 

“YN didn’t say he was coming over,” he says with a shrug. 

You turn your frown to him. “You walked in halfway through the movie, I literally shouted ‘Soonyoung’s over.’” 

“I had my headphones on,” he says, though he’s avoiding your eyes too. Typical of your friends, never claiming responsibility for their actions. 

“So this is Soonyoung,” Jun says, turning to face him. Soonyoung moved to the edge of the bed, too far away for your taste but probably an appropriate distance for your friends, especially compared to what they walked in on. Jun tilts his head. “You dyed your hair.” 

“Yeah,” Soonyoung scratches the back of his head. “Spur of the moment thing.” You miss the blonde, surprisingly fitting considering it isn’t his natural color. But the black suits him too, and probably will help him with law school interviews. Then again, knowing Soonyoung, this color won’t last long either. Good thing there isn’t a color you don’t think suits him. 

“We should do this properly,” Soonyoung says. “Go out for dinner or something.” 

“Hey, I didn’t get dinner,” Jihoon says. 

“You want to get dinner with me?” Soonyoung perks up. 

“No, I’m protesting unfair treatment.” 

“It’s not unfair, I’m just clearly his favorite,” Jun says. 

“Can you guys stop fighting over my boyfriend?” You say. 

Jihoon and Jun stare at you. When Soonyoung turns to face you, he grins, eyes sparkling. 

“What?” 

“You just called him your boyfriend,” Jun says. 

“Well… he is.” You feel your cheeks flush. “Why are you guys making it weird?” 

“It’s not weird,” Soonyoung says. He scoots closer to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “It’s cute,” he whispers in your ear. “Adorable.” This only makes you flush even more. 

“Well, I don’t want to interrupt, so I’ll just grab this and you two can get back to… whatever.” Jun takes a step towards your bookcase. You grab the pillow that he threw at Soonyoung and nail him in the chest, earning a laugh from Jihoon. 

“Don’t even think about it.” 

“The book is mine, Soonyoung never fulfilled the bet!” Jun says. You stand up, blocking him from your Pride and Prejudice. 

“Hey, I followed through!” Soonyoung says. “We’re dating!” 

“I remember the bet stating that you had to ask YN out after you took the LSAT.” Jun turns to him. 

“And I did,” Soonyoung says. “You never said it had to be right after.” 

Jun eyes him. “That’s cheating.” 

“That’s being a lawyer,” you say. “And I think he’s going to be really good at it.” 

Jun glances between you and Soonyoung and shakes his head. “Whatever, I’ll get my book back another day.” 

You step closer to Soonyoung and he links his pinky with yours. You glance at your friends. “Are you going to stand there forever or are we getting dinner?” 

“You two don’t want to get back to what you were doing?” Jihoon asks. 

You slip your hand into Soonyoung’s. He meets your eyes and he’s only been your boyfriend for two weeks but looking at him is like looking home. There’s no need to rush. 

“Sounds like someone doesn’t want to pick where we go.” 

“We should make them pay, too,” Soonyoung says. 

You grin at him. “You are the smartest person I know.” 

[sunnystars2023]

Ways BNHA Boys Show their Love

Group 1

Synopsis; the ways the Boys of BNHA show their Love and Affection to you.

Characters included: Katsuki Bakugo, Eijiro Kirishima, Denki Kaminari, and Sero Hanta

Group 2/Group 3

🔋👾🌀⭐️🐸⭐️🌀👾🔋👾🌀⭐️🐸⭐️🌀👾🔋

Katsuki Bakugo

Bakugo is strong and burning with passion in pretty much every thing that he does and that includes you. While he isn’t one for big and loud forms of PDA as he finds it quite annoying especially when couples makeout in middle of the hall. He will hold your hand and maybe if you just absolutely need it kiss you but nothing long or crazy.

Bakugo loves to cook even if he says he only does because everyone else is bad at it. He would cook for you and not because you need him but because he wanted to. He is also pretty observant and knows when you need things and always gets them before you can even ask him to get it.

Behind closed doors he’s still pretty prickly thats just who he is, but he’s also more open and wants to cuddle, kiss, and just be around you. He’ll give up his free time willingly for you because he cares. If you ask him to play a game,he’s there. Want him to paint your nails, he asks what color. Want to cuddle with or see him in ungodly hours of the night, his door is open.

Katsuki Bakugo is alot of things but a Bad Boyfriend isn’t one of them.

Eijirou Kirishima

Kirishima is open to PDA but doesn’t like to go overboard as he like to keep special moments behind closed doors and not in everyones face. He’ll hold your hand, put a hand on your thigh when sitting together, hug you, and kiss you but like Bakugo nothing crazy.

Kirishima is so good to you in every aspect. He’ll do everything under the moon and stars for you. He might go overboard but to him you deserve the world.

Kirishima is the type to know you completely. He knows the route you walk from the dorms to campus. He knows the times and days you shower. He knows birthdays, anniversaries, and other events. He knows you and can tell when somethings wrong before you even say anything.

Eijiro Kirishima is a lover and a Protector even when you think you don’t need it.

Denki Kaminari

Denki LOVES touching you in any capacity and will take whatever you allow because if he had it his way you guys would be cuddling and making out 24/7. He’s who Bakugo gets peeved with in the halls. So if you’re into PDA but your sweet ass he’s loving it.

Denki loves to play games and do dumb shit with sero so if you’re willing to do dumb shit and play games you guys would never stop playing. Even though he loves to joke around and have a good time he also knows when to be serious and be there for you.

Denki is also type to make Minecraft worlds dedicated to you and when playing together he’s protecting and fetching all the blocks your heart desires. He also has a playlist for every thing he does so when your with him he plays what he calls his ‘Rockin’ with Romance’ playlist that has a bunch of your and his favorite songs and cheesy romantic songs too.

Denki Kaminari is such a lover and a jokester. He can’t help you with much homework but he can always put a smile on your face.

Sero Hanta

Sero is also a silly guy who loves to have a good time. He is definitely a supporter of anything you do for the most part. He is driven by his support so the only thing he ever needs from you is your support and love.

Sero is the type to keep in touch if he’s out. If he’s going to the store, you know his location and when he gets there. Going to the mall, same thing. You guys share locations with everyone in class as a safety precaution. Sero goes above and beyond to show you that he’s safe even when he’s doing dumb shit with denki.

Sero love to make you little bracelets and rings out of his tape. He paints little patterns on the and put loads of thought into them. He’s made you so many that you have your own display in your room.He also loves to take pictures from Polaroid to just regular cellphone. He loves being able to look back on memories so if your out together and theres a photo booth you guys are in it.

Sero Hanta lights up every room you go into and fills it with all the love in his heart with just one smile.

🔋👾🌀⭐️🐸⭐️🌀👾🔋👾🌀⭐️🐸⭐️🌀👾🔋

Masterlist <- here

Thank you sm for reading! Check out other parts for different characters! If you want more content follow my wattpad @sunnystars2023!

[erenyeagerssgf]

streamer!silver wolf as your gf

♡ characters: silver wolf

♡ contains: gn!reader, established relationship, fluff, hcs, not proofread

♡ a/n: this inspired me to write again after a long time. i love silver wolf sm and i don't see enough content for her, so here's my piece! requests are closed, but suggestions are welcomed!

silver wolf definitely lives in a house with blade & kafka

they are also probably content creators or something

kafka is kind of her manager because she could care less about pr and sponsors, she just wants to play games!

has a really cool set up (best equipment only) and room but it's messy

always looks for cheats/funny glitches in every game (she gets genuinely amused by it💀)

silver wolf definitely gets so invested with what she's doing that she forgets to eat & drink water when she streams

you've probably encouraged chat to make sure they remind her of water breaks & sometimes you come in with food you've made her

always chewing pink bubblegum tho

silver wolf's membership/special streams are her teaching viewers how to code

i feel like she makes song covers once in a blue moon

she has a nice voice and she knows it, it's just too much work to record the vocals, find an instrumental, and all that!

on another note, she makes u playlists <3

i hc she listens to punk music (punklorde duh) & hyperpop

oh and she def gets u guys matching items! a fur tail keychain (which she attaches to her belt most of the time) & scrunchies/hair accessories

back to streaming, silver wolf's a master at rhythm games (she eats proseka players up)

definitely on leaderboards

hasn't really considered entering a pro gaming tournament, but you encourage her because she's just so good!

silver wolf is a bit hesitant to have you on her streams, but when you are, she LOVES playing games with you

you guys coop stardew valley & are married in game for sure <3

just like she did to the trailblazer, she will force you to pull for characters you probably don't even want

lowkey encourages you to make bad decisions in game, you get so frustrated and she thinks it's sooo funny

she makes up for it though when you're offline

you'll find this really rare item and look at it like ??? when did i get this?

when silver wolf gets tired on stream, she cuddles herself up in the blanket you got her so she could be more comfy <3

her viewers thinks it's so cute omg

she definitely makes fun of the people in chat that are down bad for her, she only wants your affection🙄

as a joke her viewers probs make really "cringy" thirst trap video edits of her (sometimes with you) and she likes to react to them on stream

silver wolf is pretty expressionless most of the time, but she cracks a smile and a few chuckles at the edits, they're too amusing to not laugh at

you've probably saved some edits of her on your phone though👀

randomly goes through your phone one day & is like wtf??? there's a whole album of edits dedicated to me??

actually gets a bit flustered & cuddles with you later <3

omg yk how she likes to pinch cute things? she ALWAYS pinches your cheeks or other parts of your body

ugh i love her <3

unfortunately, i’m giving up the layout i had with the pictures. tumblr just won’t let me format my posts the way i want it to😔 enjoy!!

[h-c-u]

No Longer a Secret pt 6

Summary: The one with A LOT of planning and phone-calls.

Pairing: Toto Wolff x fem!reader

W/C: 7.1k

Rating: PG, age gap

TWs: none

A/N: So... I honestly wasn't planning on writing it today, but welp - it kinda spilled, so here we go... There is not a lot of action in this one, but a few Original Characters were very briefly introduced. Most of them will become a part of this story, so if you have any questions about them - please feel free to ask. One day, when there will be more of them included, I will most likely make a separate post dedicated to them, but for now - there are comments, asks, and messages :)

Taglist: @crimeshowjunkie, @omgsuperstarg

Series Masterlist | Masterlist | List of tags | Playlist for the series

Of course, there was a party after the race. Your first one with the team... And you seriously considered it being the last one, because currently you could hear the grass growing with your whole body and it hurt like a motherfucker. How the rest of the people on the jet weren't hungover? You had no idea. It must have been witchcraft. Because you couldn't explain it any other way, since you were the youngest of them all.

There was some light teasing, but after they realized how genuinely miserable you were, they stopped, and someone even brought you another alka-seltzer, a bottle of cold water, and chewing gum, for which you were extremely grateful because without it you would have definitely thrown up when the plane was climbing to the higher altitudes.

When it was safe to unbuckle the belts, everyone started moving and making conversation. Still, you were definitely not in the right state of mind for any of that, so when Toto motioned you closer to him, you gladly did just that and sat across his lap, with your legs over the soft armrest. He reclined the chair, so you would be more laying on your left side than sitting, which helped relieve the heartburn almost instantly. He was so gentle with you, that you almost melted into his soft shirt that smelled faintly of the detergent he used at home. With his one arm supporting your back and the other resting on your thighs, you felt much better.

You could see the other people trying to hide the surprised looks on their faces at the sight of you two cozying up because even though your relationship was no longer a secret, it must have been a little bit weird to witness the casual physical affection for the first time. But if you were completely honest, you didn't mind. You were all still getting used to the new dynamic between you and them, so it was only natural that it might take some time. And they weren't exactly weird or uncomfortable either, so you knew that sooner rather than later all the wrinkles will iron themselves out.

- Schatzi, we were supposed to decide on who should do the interview... - Toto said quietly, gently rubbing his thumb over your thigh. You honestly forgot about it, so you were glad that he brought it up. - But if you're not up for it now...

- No, I'm good, I'm good. - you said with a weak smile. - But after running it over and over in my head, I honestly think that Laura would be the best choice. - you stated, and when normally you would look up at him, this time you kept your head on his shoulder and kept your eyes closed.

- The talk show host? - he knew who Laura was from your stories, but he still made sure.

- Yes. In the past she had a few special episodes dedicated to interviewing one person when the topic was hot, so we could fit into that category. - you started explaining, and your warm breath tickled Toto's neck, which made him scrunch his nose and smile. - She's known for not taking any bullshit, so she definitely wouldn't go easy on us, but her reputation and the fact that it would air on BBC would give it more weight. - you explained the reasons behind this choice, and Toto only hummed in agreement.

- Don't you think we're a bit too low on a food chain to appear on her show? Doesn't she host celebrities? - those questions were genuine, and under normal circumstances, you would have agreed. But you two unintentionally became a sensation overnight and even people outside of the racing community were interested in you as a couple.

- She does, but right now... Let me show you, it will be quicker. - you mumbled and reached for your phone, but it was in your bag, so instead you took his from the table, unlocked it, typed his name into the browser, and showed him the screen with numerous headlines. "Toto Wolff is a spoken man and ladies are howling", "19 things surprisingly younger than the age gap between Toto Wolff and Y/n Y/ln.", "What do we know about Toto Wolff and Y/n Y/ln?", "Y/n Y/ln - from a respected reporter to a WAG of Toto Wolff" and many, many more.

- I see... - you could tell he wasn't exactly enjoying this type of attention, but you couldn't do anything about it right now.

- I'm sorry, I could have planned it better... - you mumbled quietly and put your head back on his shoulder.

- It's not your fault, Schatzi. - he squeezed your body a little bit tighter and placed a soft kiss on your temple. - I just wasn't expecting it to blow up to this degree. But we'll get through it together. - you could hear a smile in his voice. - So. Laura? - he circled back.

- Yes, Laura. She'll be tough, but if we ask her to avoid specific topics, she will. And that reminds me... Our families. - you sighed. Because you were so caught up in the heat of the moment, and then the race, that you didn't fully grasp the number of things you haven't thought about. - My mother is one thing and I will deal with her, but your kids... At the party, you told them you were going to call them back. - you reminded him, because you weren't exactly sure how much of last night he remembered, and his son called him rather late.

- Thank you, I'll do that when we land. I would also like you to officially meet them sooner rather than later if that's ok with you. - you weighed his words for a short moment in your head, considering if Toto having some time alone with them first wouldn't be better, just to let all the possible emotions out, and answer all the questions without an outsider present, but on the other hand they could read it as him trying to hide you from them.

- Of course. Let me know when, and I'll make the time. - from what Toto told you about them, it shouldn't be that hard, and you hoped that seeing with their own eyes exactly how much you loved their father would help, although you felt like you were starting from a weak position. Fortunately, Toto already told them that he was seeing someone around half a year ago, but he hasn't told them specifically who. So, finding out from social media or worse - their friends might have been hard.

Even though his face was donning a gentle smile, it wasn't hard for you to notice that he was in a sour mood, but you also knew it was temporary. He liked to have everything covered, and the whiplash of your announcement wasn't something he predicted. And you were no better because even though you knew people would be interested, you would have never thought that it would be such a giant sensation.

- We have a lot of fires to put out. - you chuckled quietly and closed your eyes again. - I'll call Laura when we'll land and hash out the details, but if we don't want to wait till next week, we should be ready to do this on Wednesday. - you put your hand over his heart just to feel it beat under your fingers.

- What about the guests she's supposed to have? - you could feel the vibrations of his voice under your hand even through the material of his shirt.

- Let me worry about that, Dashuria Ime, you already have enough on your plate. - you replied, rubbing your cheek on his shoulder and it was his time to laugh, unintentionally grabbing the attention of the rest of the plane, but seeing you two cozied up and clearly talking about something, they didn't interrupt. Although you suspected that they would start listening closer to what you were saying, and they were in for a treat. - I was also thinking about our conversation from Friday... - you started quietly, and you could feel him perk up under you.

- And...? - he asked after your intentional pause.

- And considering the race schedule and the fact that most drivers will stay in the UK, I'd like to start the company and recordings as soon as possible... - his shoulders slumped just a tiny bit, but the smile on your face didn't go away. You knew he was expecting to hear something else, so you stalled on purpose just to tease him. - And to start the recordings, I'm gonna need a studio. And to have a studio...? - you left the end of the sentence hanging in the air and Toto laughed out loud again.

- You will need to move out...? - he finished for you, even though he didn't have to, and you could almost hear the others getting quieter, sensing something interesting, almost like piranhas. Although they were significantly less bloodthirsty.

- I will need to move out. - you confirmed, and the others were no longer pretending to talk, now openly listening to your conversation, and you didn't even have to open your eyes to know that.

- So I'm guessing that... How did you say it...? "I'm not just gonna move all my stuff in one day"... - he imitated your accent surprisingly well, and you couldn't hold the laughter. - ...was a lie? -

- Wait, are you guys moving in together? - Lewis was the first one to jump on the topic and the excitement in his voice was very clear.

- It looks like it... - you finally opened your eyes again and rested them on Lewis’s bright smile.

- Congratulations! - he immediately wanted to get up to get closer to the both of you, and ask more questions, but this was the moment when turbulences hit, and just as he was standing up, he fell back into his chair, and the whole plane's attention was on him. Partially to make sure that he was ok, but mostly because he made a funny sound when he fell over, and now everyone was either openly laughing or trying to hide the giggle. - Hey! Not my fault! Anyways, what do you guys want as a housewarming gift?

- Some damn peace and quiet would be nice... - Toto mumbled loud enough that everyone could hear him, still a little bit hung up on the whole media hurricane.

- We'll worry about that on the ground. Let's just have a few more moments without that, hmmm? - your voice was soft, and he couldn't help but agree; there was nothing either of you could do right now, and your hand gently placed over his heart made him take a deep breath and then let it out, which you instantly recognized as him banishing the thought from his head. - And, Lewis, we don't need anything, but the thought is appreciated, thank you. - you smiled at the driver, and he just nodded in response, but you had a sneaky suspicion that one day there will be a package waiting for you on the doorstep.

- By the way, we were talking with Valtteri about something... - he started, and you looked at the Fin, not even trying to hide the curiosity. - ...how we, as drivers, could help you guys with the media. And I had a rather radical idea, so I wanted to run it by you before implementing it. - you nodded your head, urging him to continue. - Because as you said, there is no way you'll be left alone for a while, and there is a high chance that we will be asked about the two of you as well. So, I thought that we could just... Thank them for the interview, end it, and walk away without saying anything more. - he explained, and you couldn't help but wonder when exactly they found the time to discuss it between the party, sleep, and all the hecticness of the morning.

- This way it'll send a clear message that we're sticking together as a family. - Valtteri added and you took a moment to contemplate their words. You looked up at Toto, trying to gauge what he thought about it, and he didn't have to say a word for you to know how he felt.

- As much as I love the idea, I think it should be run first by your PR team. There might be a clause somewhere that you're obligated to do a certain amount of media time, during race week. - you started carefully. Now, that you realized what a clusterfuck this whole situation was, you thought about everything in a much more professional and calculated way. - Plus, I wouldn't want you to face additional heat because of us.

- Neither of us would. - Toto echoed, and you could hear a smile in his voice.

- I don't think we... care about that...? - Lewis looked at Valtteri with a question in his eyes as if he wasn't sure.

- No. - Fin added with a smile - And we want to take the stand. - it wasn't rare to see them agreeing on something, but it still felt nice - knowing that they had your back even though they found out just a couple of days ago.

- Yeah, because the longer it goes, the longer all of us will have to deal with it. And it's just not right... - you couldn't help but sigh at his words, because he was 100% right. - But of course, as you said, we will run it by PR first.

- Thank you, guys... And I really appreciate it. It means a lot. - you gave them both a gentle smile. - And we will do an official interview, so hopefully, it will satisfy the public at least a little.

- Oh, you're doing one? When? - Lewis was much more interested in that than Valtteri, who went back to reading his book.

- We're still a little bit fuzzy on the details, but if it goes our way - Wednesday. - you answered, but before Lewis managed to ask more questions about it, the pilot said over the intercom that you'll be landing soon, and everyone should take their seats and fasten their belts. Before you got up, you wanted to place a quick kiss on Toto's cheek, but he turned his head and intercepted your lips with a cheeky grin.

Eventually, you were back in your chair, and it wasn't long before you were steady on the ground. It was the first time you flew on the private jet, so you weren't exactly sure what was the customs procedure, however, you definitely weren't expecting an officer to board the plane and process you right then and there, but you were grateful for not having to deal with the crowds of the airport.

Before Toto even started the car, you gently touched his shoulder and mouthed silently "Your Kids" while you waited for Laura to answer. He smiled as a thank you and left the car to call his children and explain everything in more detail, while you went off at the speed of light as soon as your best friend picked up the phone, explaining your plan and overall situation, at the same time confirming that she will have exclusivity on the interview. You knew that appearing on Laura's show was coming with risks and exposing you and Toto to an even wider audience was one of them, but it was a risk you were willing to take. You quickly bounced the ideas for the placement, set, wardrobe, and everything else, and because you knew each other so well, something that usually took at least a few days and a bunch of emails, took you around 15 minutes.

Toto was still outside, talking with his children, so you also shot a message to the other potential interviewers, thanking them for being willing to take that opportunity and rescinding your offer. You also quickly realized there was not a chance in hell you would be able to handle everything by yourself during the next week, so you took two deep breaths and started compartmentalizing and finding possible opportunities to delegate.

First - you shot a message to Mellie, asking if she could talk, and almost instantly after you click "send", she was calling you back, which didn't even surprise you.

- Hey Mells, are you free this week? - you asked, without even exchanging pleasantries, because in the type of friendship you had, they were simply not needed.

- Do you really have to ask, hun? - her laugh sounded like delicate chimes. You could almost imagine her lounging next to her pool while a professional chef was somewhere in the background preparing breakfast.

- I know, I know, but I wouldn’t be myself if I didn't ask. - you chuckled. - So, I'm gonna need someone to oversee the renovation of my apartment into a recording studio, and since you are elbows deep in real estate and you know my taste pretty well... - you didn't even have to finish.

- Say no more! I was bored anyway. What's the timeline? - she asked with pure excitement in her voice. You knew she liked to help her friends and had both the means and the time to do so, but you still felt a little bit bad asking her for such a huge endeavor.

- If we'll pack and move everything tonight, you could start tomorrow. Do you think you'll be able to finish by the end of the week? - you asked.

- Honey, with the right equipment I can finish in less than two minutes. - she laughed and you couldn't help but chuckle. - But in all seriousness, if I'll be able to get the crew there tomorrow, everything should be ready on Friday. - it was much sooner than you expected, but you also knew she had her tricks.

- Even if I wanted to build a wall separating my current office upstairs from the downstairs? Because I would like to put the recording studio there. - you made sure.

- That won't be a problem. It will be enough time for the wall to dry, so you're good. I'm gonna prepare a few sketches before we'll meet in the afternoon, ok? - you could almost hear gears shifting in her head.

- Ok, but just to be quick. Guest bedroom into a quiet place to recharge, my bedroom into an office that can be quickly turned into a conference room. The kitchen and bathrooms stay as they are, but you can of course make changes, I'm leaving it up to you. And the salon should be an office space with 8 working stations. Oh, and that closet next to the terrace into an equipment closet. Just please don't treat the budget as a light suggestion... - you quickly explained. Fortunately, Mellie was at your place enough times to know the layout pretty well.

- The wardrobe on the left to the entry stays as a wardrobe, I assume. And you want to leave two full bathrooms with no one living there? - she asked, already making mental notes.

- Yeah, it stays, and the bathrooms... I mean, I'm not sure about the smaller one, but overall, I plan on having 11 or 12 people hired, so at least two toilets would be nice. I mean, some of them could definitely work remotely on a daily basis, but one bathroom definitely won't be enough. - you said after taking a few seconds to think.

- I can renovate the bigger one, get rid of the bathtub, add a wall or two, and fit two stalls there. And leave the one with the shower as it is. - she offered.

- That actually... sounds amazing. Thank you, Mellie. - you were grateful for the suggestion because you haven't even considered doing something like that.

- You got it. Anything else you have in mind? - she inquired, and you went through your mental list.

- No, not really. I trust you. - you eventually replied.

- Ok, then I'm hanging up and scheduling the crew for tomorrow at noon. Love you, Boo. - she made a kissing sound over the phone, and you laughed.

- Thanks again, Mells. - she was the one who hung up, and you took another deep breath, deciding what to prioritize next, but just as you were about to make another call, you saw a message from Laura, sent from her business email, which meant it was an official BBC business. The message included a very lenient but still long contract, and you didn't have the time to go through every point, but just as you were about to ask Toto if you could steal Mark again, you got a private message from Laura.

"I've fought for it, it's good, but you can still run it by your lawyer. Both of you can sign it before the photo shoot."

And a few seconds later you got another email from her, this time containing the exact schedule for Wednesday, and extensive details about the photoshoot that - if you agreed - would take place in about two hours. Laura also compiled a file with the names of the photographer, stylist, make-up artist, and hair stylist, their previous works, and a few proposals of what they had in mind for you and Toto. Sometimes you forgot how quickly your best friend could work, and how detail-oriented she was, for which right now, you were extremely grateful. You could see that she definitely included herself in every part of the process, judging by what options were prepared for you.

Just as you were about to look closer at the proposed wardrobe, Toto came back to the car and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek.

- Everything went ok...? - you asked, still scrolling through the file. Usually, he had your full attention, but right now, there was no time.

- Yes. As it turns out, you are Rosie's favorite reporter on the grid, so you helped me score some points back, because she - indeed - found out from one of her friends. But they both can't wait to meet you in person. - he gave you a warm smile when you quickly glanced up from your phone. - And how are things on the battlefront? - he asked as he started the car.

- Hectic. The interview will be live on Wednesday at 21:00, but we will have to be there at 19:00. I already have the contracts, and Laura assured me that they're good, and I trust her, but we can still run them by a lawyer. - you looked at Toto with a question in your eyes.

- Forward them to Mark and add P1 before the title. That way he will look at them immediately. - he smiled, and you quickly did what he asked, while you were slowly rolling out of the parking lot.

- BBC also wants to do a quick photoshoot for promotional materials, because right now they have nothing to run an announcement with. - you added, sparing him all the specific details. - In the main studio at 11 if we agree of course.

- Wow, you are really quick, Schatzi. - he chuckled. - And the sooner we get it over with, the better.

- That was actually Laura. But we have about an hour to freshen up in my apartment before we go. - You quickly replied to the second email that the photo shoot is a go.

- A lot can be done in one hour... - he said in a teasing voice, but he immediately realized, that you had other plans, so he dropped the topic. What was happening right now, was your domain, and he intended to put his full trust in you. - Is there any way I could help? - he asked sincerely.

- Actually... Could I borrow Mark for a few days? I will need help with registering a new company, trademarks, and the first few contracts. Just until I find my own lawyer who I could trust. - you asked, with your eyes still glued to your phone. - And do you want to choose your clothes and hairstyle for the interview?

- Of course, you can. I have him on retainer, and I never used his full hours. And – just an idea - you can stay with his company, I'm sure he will find someone who will suit your future needs. But for now, I will let him know that he should expect a bigger workload from you. - you were extremely grateful for that because everything was happening so fast. You landed in England not even an hour ago, and you already had your next few days fully packed. - You have a much better sense of fashion than me, Schatzi, so I’m leaving it up to you... - he answered the second question, and gently placed his hand on your thigh, seeking the physical touch that brought both of you comfort. You quickly chose the hair, make-up, and clothes for the photo shoot, sent it in the reply to Laura's email, and took another deep breath, holding it for a few seconds in your lungs. So many things were happening at the same time, and you had to keep yourself in check because if you didn't, you would be crushed under the weight of all the decisions. And after analyzing everything, you came to the obvious conclusion - you needed more help if you wanted everything to be done on time, but that had to wait a moment because you just arrived at your apartment.

Toto took both his travel bag and your suitcase from the car and carried them into the building, while you wrapped your hand around his waist and hid under the pleasant weight of his arm, where - at least for a moment - the outside world couldn't reach you.

You didn't have to tell him where anything was, because by now he was here enough times to get familiar with not only the layout, but also with where you kept the extra bag of flour in the kitchen, or in which drawer you kept your fresh linen.

- I'm going to take a shower and make breakfast... You do you. - he stated, anticipating that you will be much busier during that hour than he will be. He was right, of course, and you were extremely grateful that he was willing to help.

- Thank you... - you gave him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before he brought your bags to the bedroom. While he was under the shower, you started scrolling through your contact list, searching for potential future employees. You needed trusted people, people who you worked with in the past and you knew from experience that you worked well together. So, when you spotted a familiar name almost on the top of your list, you immediately dialed her.

- Hey Lynn. It's Y/n Y/ln. - you introduced yourself because you weren't sure if she still had your number. - You were interning under me around a year ago when I was interviewing David Coulthard and you helped me with some research.

- Yes, of course, I remember. It's good to hear from you. - a soft, soothing voice replied, and you could almost hear the smile in it.

- I'm calling to offer you a job... - you started bluntly because you didn't have time to dance around the topic. - For one month as my assistant, and after that - as a full-time researcher, mostly into things related to F1. - you took a quick breath - I'm not gonna lie, the first month would be brutal, but I promise not to bother you outside of working hours. Starting pay is 3k, but it will be changed as your title will change, to reflect your new position. Insurance, private medical care with dental, and all that legal shabang will, of course, be covered. For the first month, I would need you with me in London, but after that - the job can be performed remotely, and the equipment will be provided. - you quickly hashed out the details. You didn't have everything mentioned lined up yet, but you thought about it a lot yesterday, and you knew you wanted to be a good employer, and from experience, you also knew what most people needed from a job to stay happy and loyal, and that's what you were aiming for.

- What's the catch? - she asked in that smooth tone.

- You would have to start tomorrow. And like I've said - the first month will be brutal. - you replied, slowly suspecting which way she was leaning, but you still gave her a few more moments to analyze the pros and cons.

- Since your departure from the Network was rather public, I assume it would be for some other project? - she quickly deduced.

- Yes. I'm starting my own company, and I'm piecing together a crew for it. It will focus on long and extensive interviews. First with current drivers, and if it will catch some winder under its wings - hopefully we will expand. - you replied.

- Independently or for a streaming service? - she dug a little bit deeper, and you couldn't help but admire just how quickly she was able to connect the dots.

- Fully independent.

- I'm in. - she replied as soon as you finished saying the last word.

- That's awesome! Thank you. I will send you the contract either today evening or tomorrow morning. And if I'll know that I won't be able to send it to you today, I will let you know so you won't be pointlessly waiting for it. But for now - do you have any more questions? - your heart honestly felt lighter than just an hour ago.

- What time do I start tomorrow? And where do we meet? - you couldn't help but laugh with relief.

- 9 AM. But you can start from your own apartment. I'm gonna need you to compile a list of external HR companies that also handle accounting, with the best independent reviews, not that bullshit point system from the most popular websites. I want someone legit who won't take bullshit. And since I already know you're good at what you do, the top 3 would be enough. And if you will have enough time after that - I will also need a company that offers both web and graphic design services, with a focus on quality and time; budget right now doesn't matter. - you explained and just as you finished, you felt your phone vibrating with yet another notification.

- HR. Web and Graphic Design. - she repeated.

- I know you're already confirmed, but I'm gonna ask once more. Are you sure you want this job? - you asked because yet again - you got this feeling that everything was happening with the speed of light.

- I'm sure. To be honest, I've somehow landed in a stereotypical corpo-job, so I'm taking your offer as a sign to stop slaving away. - she laughed, and you joined her. - Plus, I know you keep your promises, and you wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t serious.

- And you won't have any problems with resigning on the spot? - you made sure.

- Not with the contract I have with them. - she soothed your worries.

- Ok then. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Oh, and send me your personal details, including the current address for the contract and the courier. I'll try to get a new phone and computer to you by tomorrow, and if you have any preferences for your set-up, please include that in your message. I honestly want you to be as satisfied with everything as possible.

- Do I have a set budget? - she asked quickly before you managed to hang up, and you had to think about it for a moment.

- Don't make me regret it, but... no. Just be sensible and don't order something with i9. - you both laughed again. - Thank you, Lynn.

- You got it, boss. - she laughed and ended the call. You quickly checked the notification that came during your conversation. It was an email from Mark giving you a green light to sign the contract with BBC and asking how you managed to negotiate such terms. You quickly replied and asked if it would be possible to talk over the phone. And yet again today - he was calling you almost as soon as you send the message.

- Hi Mark, I hope I'm not interrupting you too much.

- Hey Y/n. Not at all, I cleared my whole week for you, per Toto's request. - you made a mental note to thank your wonderful partner for helping you so much. - From what I understood, you will need help with registering your company and you would also like to find our own lawyer, is that correct? - he was godsent. And someone definitely was watching over you, because considering how hectic everything was, it was impressive that - at least for now - everything went so smoothly.

- That's right. I will also need help with drafting t first few employee contracts. - you added, as you got up from the couch and started walking around the apartment to focus better on the conversation.

- That's understandable. I assume Ltd? - he inquired.

- Yes. How long does it usually take?

- I will send you a form to fill out and a list of documents you will need to provide. If you'll be able to send it back to me before noon, the company will be registered by the end of today. - his voice was confident.

- You're joking... - you couldn't believe it.

- I assure you, I am not. It usually takes 3 to 5 hours to fully register and process a new Ltd. - he replied, and you were stunned because suddenly everything started to feel a little bit too real. You took one deep breath to ground yourself and closed your eyes.

- Ok then. - you finally replied after a moment of silence.

- Would you mind if I asked you something?

- Ask away. - you chuckled and resumed your walk around the apartment, just as Toto was leaving the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his hips, and you couldn't help but smile.

- Do you already have someone in mind for your permanent HR position? - you stopped again because you weren't expecting that question.

- I have someone looking into external companies to hire from. Why...?

- If you wouldn't mind some good old nepotism, I would like to send you a CV of my daughter. She specializes in employment law and just got her undergrad degree in business management. She has 2 years of experience in a similar position in a tech startup. I can also include her references. - he stopped for a moment, and you honestly needed a minute to process what you heard. - Just a CV. And if you'll like what you see, you could set up a proper interview. I'm not trying to force anything here. - you took a moment to think as you resumed your walk around the apartment at a little bit faster pace.

- Can you send me her CV now? - you requested, because honestly - you wanted to ride that wave of green lights and squeeze as much good luck from today as you could.

- I'm asking her to send it to your email right now. You should have it in a few minutes. - you could hear him smiling on the other side of the line.

- Ok, I will get back to her before 10:30. - everything was going so smoothly, that you were honestly starting to get suspicious, because life was never that easy, and some part of your mind was waiting for the other shoe to drop. After that, you quickly went through the possible private medical packages, sports cards, and the terms of employment you would like to offer your employees, which included a small budget every month for self-improvement, which could be spent either on learning new skills or improving your mental health by relaxing. You also went through the terms of NDAs, and something that popped into your head when Lynn asked you about the equipment - a payment plan to buy it out from the company by deducting it in installments from the pension. By the time you ended the call, it was almost 10, and Toto finished making simple 3 ingredient crepes, which were his specialty, but you weren't done just yet.

You opened an email from Mark's daughter that included a letter of recommendation as well as her CV, and you recognized one of the companies she was working in around 3 years ago because one of Sammy's sisters worked there. So, you quickly called your friend.

- Hey Brocksby... Can you send me Lizzie's number? I have a quick question.

- I mean... I could... but I'm at home and we're eating breakfast, so... you know... I can just pass the phone to her. - you laughed.

- Thanks, Love... You have my gratitude. – you waited a moment until you heard a familiar voice. - Hi Lizzie, sorry to bother you with such a random question so early, but by any chance, do you know Charlotte Zane?

- Hey Y/n! Not a problem at all... And of course, I know One-Fear-Charlie. - she laughed.

- One-Fear-Charlie? - you inquired with a slight smile.

- Well, yeah. Do you know that meme in a form of a comic panel? The one with a guy in a t-shirt that says, "No Fear" and then it changes to "One Fear"? - she asked, and this time you laughed.

- Yeah, I know it.

- So, she was that one fear. - Lizzie explained further

- Was she that bad? - you already started working on a gentle way to reject her CV, but your friend’s sister continued.

- Not bad, just... Strict, I guess? I mean - she knew how to have fun, but when it came to work - everything had to be absolutely perfect and every scenario had to be included in writing, so when you got an email from her - you knew that something was missing from your work, and you basically fucked up. She wasn't a bitch about it though, and she was really patient with new people, but you know...

- She was really good at finding imperfections? - you offered before she found the right words.

- Yeah.

- Did you like working with her? And her as a person overall? - you asked, slowly erasing that speech to gently turn Charlotte down.

- I mean - like I've said - she wasn't a bitch, and always gave you the opportunity to correct your mistakes before someone higher got a chance to see them. She was strict but definitely fair... And personally...? We weren't super close, but she seemed ok. She mostly hung out with paralegals, not us in the bottom of the barrel, but she was always kind to us on breaks and stuff. She had a really dry sense of humor though... You know, cheesy dad jokes and wordplay. - she offered.

- Thank you so much, Lizzie. And sorry again for bothering you. Say goodbye to your brother from me.

- No problem. And take care, Y/n! - you quickly hung up and sighed.

- Eat. You have 20 minutes to take a shower and eat something before we have to leave. - Toto quickly intercepted your phone before you got the chance to do anything else with it and pushed a plate with crepes with plum jam under your nose.

- I need to reply to an email... - you groaned, but despite your words, you started eating.

- Dictate then. Just don't choke... - he smiled, and you chuckled as he placed a small kiss on the top of your head.

- In reply to Charlotte Zane - Could we meet today at 2 PM in Saint Luke's Garden? - you swallowed a bite as Toto typed on your phone. - My signature... - another bite. - …and in PS "Not an official interview, just a walk, so dress in whatever you feel comfortable in. Preferably no business attire. - you continued with a piece of a crepe in your mouth. - Add a smiley face and hit send. - he did as you asked.

- You have a message from Mellie asking if she should include computers in the budget. - you nodded in reply, and Toto passed that in a message form. - And another one from Laura, telling you not to wash your hair or wear any make-up because everything will be done on set. - you were almost inhaling your breakfast, so instead of speaking you just showed him a thumb up, and she sent said emoji in reply. You looked at the clock, took the rest of the crepe in your hand, and almost ran to the bathroom because you had less than 15 minutes.

After the shower, you quickly chose fresh clothes, but before you got dressed, you quickly started applying lotion to your body.

- Hey, could you open the last email from Mark, and download the attachment? - you yelled loud enough for Toto to hear you in the kitchen, or wherever he was. Instead of yelling back, he came into the bedroom and leaned on the doorframe. He was watching you as you finished moisturizing your skin, and you gave him a small smile when you caught him. - The attachment. What information is needed? - you asked, while you put on your underwear, but he didn't reply immediately, instead letting his gaze linger. Only when you looked at him for the second time, he unlocked your phone and started reading the form. Fortunately, most of the information you could provide from memory, or you could find it on your phone, so at least you didn't have to dig through your apartment in search of any documents, and you could fill out that form in the car.

You were ready exactly four minutes before 10:30, but before you left the apartment in a hurry, Toto gently grabbed you by the arms and stopped you from moving anywhere for a moment, and your gaze almost instinctively found his eyes.

- Breathe. Relax your shoulders. Unclench your jaw. Close your eyes... And for one minute just... breathe. - he said. You wanted to protest, because you had to leave, but his grip on your arms told you that it would be futile, so you did as he asked. With every slow breath, your racing mind started to slowly calm down. All the things that you had to do today were still there, but they were slowly stopping to fight for the place in front of the line.

After the full minute, Toto released your arms, but instead of running out of the apartment, you wrapped your arms around him, rested your face against his chest, and stayed like that for one moment longer.

It was easy to get lost when the pace of the day was so rapid, but you were fortunate to have someone who understood that and was able to help you find yourself again.

- Thank you... - you mumbled against his shirt, and he just pressed a soft kiss to your temple in reply. It was his time to be your rock, just as you were his yesterday. 

A/N 2: Please don’t feel obligated/pressured to reblog, because I write mostly for myself. A comment would be appreciated though :) Love, G.

[encyclopediacr]

Survey summary: Page Recommendations

As our final summary of the survey results, here are some recommendations for new pages we wanted to talk through. Once again, you will notice that the theme is "we are a small group, and Critical Role's programming and scope has vastly expanded in the past year or so." If you are passionate about something, please do not hesitate to jump in and start editing.

Character stat pages: we just started these! Starting with Bells Hells' level up to 12, the first level-up after CR Stats stopped updating, we started subpages to track the changes with each level-up (see Fearne's as an example), though level 13 updates are still in progress. These are also in use for the Rivals from Call of the Netherdeep (see Ayo's here). We will be doing this for further Bells Hells updates and hypothetical future campaigns. The main thing keeping us from going back and making level updates for Campaigns 1 and 2 or earlier Bells Hells levels is the time commitment, especially since this information is already available on CR Stats. Should you wish to help fill this in, we would love to have you. We do have a page for Sending specifically, but not for all spells. CritRoleStats will have this information through January 2024, and the Omen Archive has it for Campaign 3. We cannot commit to the same level of statistical detail as CRStats did without dedicated editors focusing on that. If this information is important to you, consider reaching out to the Omen Archive or volunteering to update it!

Links to Talks transcripts: Unfortunately, these are auto-generated for the most part, so we decided against hosting them as they are extremely inaccurate. If someone is interested in cleaning those transcripts up, please feel free to contact us, as we'd be happy to host them.

Details on Candela Obscura, EXU & TLOVM: this all seems to be asking for series-level information. We'd love to know more about what you specifically would like to see, as we do cover these in depth!

Miscellaneous: Music playlists, Larkin Watch, Air Ashari, the Clay/Dust/Stone story - these are all added to our list of things to make. Larkin Watch will likely be a glossary entry (Larkin does redirect to Raishan!) but the others are all great ideas!

One-shots and their characters: this is a known gap. Thank you to all who participated in our push to fill in some of these this past winter break. With the exception of the Nord VPN one-shot, which aired while most regular editors were ill or unavailable; and Daggerheart, for which we have a summary but have not yet had the time to fill in all character information, we have kept up with new one shots since making the wiki fork. Older one-shots were often deprioritized on Fandom and while we have made a number of updates, it is a large backlog. Again, the main issue is time as we prioritize keeping up with current material, but we would love to revisit these one shots. If you're interested, please do not hesitate to jump in - even a single one-shot episode summary is a huge help.

Thumbnails: you can find them on their category page! For example: https://criticalrole.miraheze.org/wiki/Category:Campaign_3_episode_thumbnails

Nine Eyes of Lucien: This is also a known gap, and again comes down to the fact that no one who has read the book has had the time, as most are the core group of editors keeping current information up to date and it's been pretty nonstop since early 2023. We would love to have a volunteer to work on this, or alternately, people who could take over other significant ongoing updates for a few weeks so someone who normally works on that could focus on the Lucien novel. Perhaps this will be our next winter break project.

[silverview]

alright i’m shifting back into tlw mode. i'm finally writing a fic from chas's POV and it's sticking a little bit. i know i can never actually do justice to him but the attempt is being made and i have a lot of thoughts, i'm just going to throw them all down in one place

chas might be my all-time favourite in9 character. reece has described the performance as being basically the same as he gives in sardines, which is a fair comparison honestly – the difference isn’t really in the performance or the character as much as in the circumstances. as in, stuart doesn’t do much relatively speaking and he never really has to shift gears onscreen. whereas chas is what you’d get if that character went through literally the full spectrum of human emotion onscreen in the space of half an hour, including an extended closeup on him experiencing the most extreme betrayal and mortal terror it’s possible to imagine, while covered in gunk and immobilised from the neck down. it's an extreme exercise in humanising/complicating a stock character, and it's an extraordinary performance. chas’s vulnerability and humour and courage carry the entire episode. and his little dancey dance. i love him for his defence mechanisms and the pain and heart that's underneath when he lets them drop. i love him for losing his dream, and coping with it terribly, and being forced to rebuild his life and his sense of self. i love him for being a bad person and a good person

and YES i love him for being camp!!!! i watched the original boys in the band recently and recognised so much of chas in some of those characters, especially emory, both as written + performed. crucially the humanising/complicating of a comedy stock character for pathos. tlw is only two seasons out from how do you plead and i think that contributed to some negative reactions about reece's camp performances being too exaggerated and/or too frequent. i don't think many people really noticed that urban explicitly, intentionally speaks & acts that way as part of his job. he is a man who is explicitly playing a character for most of his screentime. why exactly he does it in that particular way is not clear to me. i am desperate to understand that episode & character better, partly because i feel like unlocking it would also provide a key to better understanding their overall handling of gay characters & themes

i've talked before about chas and simon being linked by the experience of death by parasocial rejection. lately i've been thinking about how this strand of rejection (in a less fatal but still tragic form) also runs through reece's characters in merrily merrily and plodding on. "i never responded in kind" = *suffocates you with a pillow* = "move on" = "i don't even know if we are friends anymore." why is he always the one who loves too much, discovering that his feelings are not reciprocated? and why is this tendency punished so much more violently in episodes where it's figured as explicitly gay, hmm? if you read the end of plodding on as resolving the rift in that episode, then it's also resolving this long-running meta arc; if you read it as unresolved then it is also leaving the meta arc unresolved

anyway here's my tlw timeline. i have joe & chas being born in 1965 + 1975 respectively. that puts chas in his early 20s in the late 90s when atlantic 5 was active, 30 when olivia attempted suicide, 39 when he met joe, and 48 when he died. if you listen to the audio described version it literally does differentiate them as being "the younger one" / "the older one," even though that's not explicit in the episode. they do need a bit of an age gap to make the backstory work. idk, i know they have a small age gap irl – it's just funny to me that they managed to turn that into a more noticeable/significant age gap through sheer looks and vibes

and here is my tlw playlist and here is my dedicated chas playlist, which has some overlap and is still evolving and is a mix of songs about him + pure vibes. i get really emo thinking about him listening to eternal flame as a sad teenager and dreaming of finding love someday :/

[theadmiralsdaughter]

sideblog intro

The Admiral's Daughter is a novel I'm writing and in the process of editing. It can best be described as a fictional period drama with fantasy elements and pirates. If that sounds awesome to you, feel free to follow along for updates, ramblings, snippets, and whatever else I happen to create for this work along the way! [a sideblog of @kazoosandfannypacks]

story summary: When Maristella Arrington, the admiral's daughter, meets a handsome young lieutenant named Adrian, he convinces her to join the navy. She enlists, alongside her best friend, Verity. A few days before her graduation from the naval academy, she receives word that Adrian's ship, while engaged in battle with a pirate vessel, was sunk, and he perished along with it. Maristella then sets out to get her revenge on the pirates who sent Adrian to his watery grave, which proves difficult when she finds that the pirates haven't killed him— they've recruited him, and she must join forces with them as well in order to save Verity's life.

current draft wc/previous draft wc: {14673/45841}

playlists: entire wip | adristella | music i like to write to

character intros under the cut!

Maristella Arrington: Maristella is the eldest daughter of Admiral Charles Arrington. She loves nothing more than spending a few short months of the year at sea with her father, and is fascinated by life at sea and naval battles. She is confident and loyal, which makes her a strong leader to those around her.

Verity Sterling: Verity has been inseparable best friends with Maristella since they were kids. She's skilled in swordplay as well as giving supportive advice, and she would do anything for those close to her.

Adrian Alyward: Adrian joined the navy with his sister, Isabella, and they quickly rose through the ranks after their bravery in saving the Admiral's life at the Skirmish at Bedisa Sea. Upon meeting Maristella at the Admiral's Ball, he's immediately smitten with her, but their blossoming potential of a relationship grows complicated when he joins forces with the treacherous pirates that frequent her seas.

Isabella Alyward: {name subject to change.} After joining the navy so she and her younger brother, Adrian, can make a name for themselves, Isabella soon becomes captain of The Noble Guardian. When they have an unfortunate run in with a nasty lot of pirates, her fate is changed for the worse, and she must look to the brother she's always sought to protect to come through and save her from an unpleasant demise.

Admiral Charles Arrington: Admiral Arrington is in charge of most of the navy, and captains his flagship The Star of the Sea, but most his favorite role is that of dedicated husband, and of father of six. Though he'd never claim to have favorites, his soldiers and family alike know he has a soft spot for his eldest daughter, Maristella. Despite his fatherly concern for her safety when she joins the navy, he's excited for the opportunity it provides to spend time with her.

Victor Durand III: Victor has been a rival of Maristella's ever since she was eight and he was five and her dad got promoted to Admiral while his was still a commodore. He enlists in the navy just shortly before Maristella does, and while both of them would deny it, they grow to tolerate and even, on rare occasions, appreciate each other.

Conroy Lewin: Conroy's father, Professor Lewin, is the professor of general studies at the naval academy. He quickly becomes friends with Maristella and Verity, as someone who understands what it's like to grow up in a navy family. He enjoys studying and sharing information, and joins the navy around the same time as Maristella.

Lenna Arrington: Lenna is Admiral Arrington's wife, and she runs a tight ship at home while her family is away. While she's always happy to support her children and their dreams, a part of her still wishes her eldest daughter, Maristella, had chosen to settle down and get married instead of pursue a life of high-seas adventure.

Cordelia Arrington: Cordelia is eight years younger than Maristella, and though she's the closest in age to Maristella, they share little in the way of hopes and dreams, and Cordelia can't wait until she's old enough to attend some fancy balls and tea parties of her own.

Dylon Arrington: Dylon is the oldest boy among the Arrington children. There's a year in between him and his siblings on either side, and Maristella and her friend Verity often train him in swordplay, strategy, and, much to his chagrin, ballroom dancing. Of all his siblings, he's the one who looks the most like their father.

"Charlie" Arrington: Charlie is Lil's twin brother, named after their father. At eleven years old, he shows quite promise with his writing and creative thinking, but he often struggles with controlling his temper.

"Lil" Arrington: Lil is Charlie's twin sister, named after their mother. She loves reading and studying and is quite level headed for a child, at least, until you ask which of them is the older twin. She'll swear up and down that it's her, and though Charlie couldn't care less about which of them is older, he enjoys bringing up the fact that it's actually him.

Randolf: Randolf is the youngest of the kids, and his favorite thing in the world is when his dad tells stories and he gets to help act them out.

[stoopid-turtle]

Overall BTS in Order Summary + Takeaways

Okay, this project was a) impromptu and b) fun and c) biiiggg.

There are some observations and thoughts that didn't quite fit in any one month that I wanted to add on. I also wanted to think through what I take away from this timeline as far as ggdd's relationship. So here's super-duper long post.

Shenanigans on set - professionalism

It's commonly observed that ggdd are a chaotic duo, and the impression you get from watching bts highlights is that they must have been a nightmare on set. If you watch through the bts clips on the daily, though, it's easy to see why gg and dd are well-regarded by people they work with.

Most of their day is endless takes of doing the same scene over and over. They spend a lot of time talking through a scene and their characters. Sometimes making small modifications but usually just giving a scene another go. They're usually doing this in harsh physical and emotional conditions, whether hanging on wires, immersing themselves in cold water, doing fight scenes in thick robes and sweltering heat, or working into the wee hours of the morning. Both gg and dd worked while injured and/or sick.

The moments of chaos are pretty rare and typically not disruptive. They're during moments where they're waiting for the crew to set something up. Sometimes they're egged on by the crew and the director. Overall, they're dedicated professionals who took advantage of slow moments for some fun but were otherwise focused on the show.

Kudos also to the rest of the cast and crew who were similarly dedicated. (Also, how do I get a job as dd's umbrella holder? Where should I send a resume?)

If you go into the bilibili playlist expecting non-stop ggdd shenanigans, you're gonna be disappointed. If, you're, like me, a nerd who finds the meta of filming interesting and doesn't mind sitting through people doing the same thing over and over again, then you're in luck because there's literal hours of that.

The fuzziness of the timeline.

I want to provide some cautions with the timeline. I rely heavily on a cfan-made bilibili playlist whose method I honestly can't understand bc it doesn't translate well through Google. What's more, I made some judgment calls when comparing against other timelines I've found, a cfan-made Weibo timeline, and vic's timeline here on Tumblr. Any of these could be wrong, so don't take this timeline as super-duper solid.

There are times I identify a clip as a widely-known translated clip, and there were also clips that were NOT in the bb playlist but that I tried to place based on some assumptions. I want to break these down.

Type 1

This is simple. These are when there's a clip on the playlist that is identical to a translated clip I've seen, just without the subtitles. This makes up most of them. The chocolate bar hug, the bondage conversation, the jealousy in English clip. As long as the bb playlist date is correct, then the date for these clips should be correct.

Type 2

Much less common. This is when I've seen a longer, translated version of a clip on the bb playlist so I'll include in the timeline what else goes in that clip.

As an example, the bb playlist has the clip of dd pretending to choke gg. I've seen elsewhere that this clip continues past where the bb playlist cuts off to also show gg singing Sam Smith to dd. So I place those both on the same day. These should be as reliable as Type 1

Type 3

These are the most open to error. There are clips that are not in the bb playlist but that have gg and dd in the same costumes, shooting the same scene as playlist clips. In those cases, I make a (big) assumption that they took place on the same day.

As an example, the bb playlist has Cloud Recess era gg and dd in the Cold Springs (not the secret cave but the place where gg makes his sword pee). The playlist does not include the clips of gg injuring his foot, but I've seen those clips and they're shooting the same scenes so the costumes and such are the same. I assume they're all on the same day.

But I could be wrong. Oftentimes, the same scene is reshot weeks later for technical reasons. Some scenes take multiple days to shoot. The script was also changing as they shifted away from het-washing wwx, and they had to reshoot some scenes as a result. The clip of gg injuring his foot could be from some other day when they had to shoot those scenes again for whatever reason.

Likewise with the cloud recess library pretzeling clip. I'm guessing it goes on 8/20, because that's the only day the playlist has clips from those scenes. But that does not mean that 8/20 was the only day cloud recess library scenes were filmed.

The other scene that falls into this type is from June, when gg and dd complain to each other about how few scenes they have together. The clip I've seen (elsewhere) was clearly taken while shooting the scene where LSX and WN run off together, so I've placed it there.

This brings us back to what I explained in April but I really just want to pound on it: we know SOOOO little. Most days, we don't even have an hour's worth of bts footage. There are so many scenes shot that we don't have any insight on. And we don't know what we don't know (and probably never will).

There are some clips that weren't included on the bb playlist that I can't even begin to guess the date for. I've seen the clip of gg saying "delete it" to a wwx/wq scene, but even though I know the costume that gg and dd were wearing, I don't have anything more specific to place it to a date.

I also really wanted to know what the date is on the clip of dd questioning a costume-jiejie about what gg said about him in an interview. No such luck. The most I can do is guess it may be related to the interview in July. The Aug interviews seem way too late for that clip, but who knows? (Honestly, the July interview seems a bit late for that type of clip)

Another clip that I wish I could date: the clip where dd casually mentions how handsome Xue Yang is to prompt gg to give rainbow farts to lwj.

I was also just curious about the WQ scenes in general, so I was disappointed they weren't on the playlist. I've seen some of the original WQ scenes elsewhere (I guess from gg solo playlists on YouTube), and I'm just generally interested in the shift the production team made in response to fan complaints (and maybe to complaints from their stars?).

All this to say, take the timeline as fuzzy. If someone wants to take on the herculean task of tracking down and correcting my errors (and making that super-awesome comprehensive Google sheet), then you have my highest respect (and my sword).

Is the devil's timeline possible? Looking at you, may.

I've been approaching my takeaways from the assumption that they met first on DDU, didn't interact for a year, then properly met again when they ended up on the Untamed. I don't have strong feelings about the Devil's Timeline, honestly, and I wouldn't be too surprised if it's true. But I tend to stick to the documented first meeting timepoint when speculating, just to not compound speculation atop speculation.

But putting that aside, if there anything in the timeline that rejects the Devil's Timeline out of hand? Not really. Some of the harder to explain dates are also hard to explain with the standard timeline (I'll get to those), so the devil's timeline is as likely as anything.

Is there anything that supports the Devil's Timeline?

Well, there are some clips that indicate a committed relationship much earlier than the standard timeline assumes. This may not necessarily mean we're in devil land. It could just mean their relationship moved faster than most people think. But they are notable.

Let's look at 2 clips in May that stand out as odd.

On 5.22, there's a clip attached to a rumor that gg and dd had a fight. The rumor goes that dd left the set early for some reason. In the morning, when gg asked where dd was going, dd said it was none of his business. When he returned, gg gave him the silent treatment. Dd grew increasingly upset about it while gg got snippy about how dd clearly didn't want him to care about him.

The clip this goes with is shot from a distance. There's no real sound, so I'm assuming that somebody did some lip-reading to come up with a transcript (that was then translated to English for the version I've seen). In it, an upset dd tells gg that he never told him (gg) not to care about him (dd).

There's obvious issues when relying on lip-reading for a conversation. Especially in this case, because their mouths are blocked at several points by people bustling around. The most I can reliably say about this clip is that gg does look a little frosty and dd is most definitely upset (like, startlingly upset).

If the rumor and the lip-read are accurate, this type of exchange only really makes sense in the context of some type of serious relationship. This was about a month before the dragon boat festival date.

I don't know enough about the original rumor to even have a guess as to how reliable it is. It's interesting to me, though, and I'm not inclined to dismiss it out of hand. If it's not true, then I wonder what, exactly, dd was so upset over if they're not yet in a relationship.

The other odd clip is the 5.17 clip of gg being jealous of the camera guy.

It's clear that gg felt threatened by the camera guy, but it's ambiguous as to what that implies about their relationship. Jealousy can rear its head within a romantic relationship, of course. But it could also manifest if they're still just friends but gg feels a special claim on dd somehow. Maybe they're in early flirting stages. Maybe gg knows dd has a crush on him, likes it, and feels threatened when dd's attention (which is usually pretty focused on him) is taken by another guy.

Any of these could be the case here. So gg's jealousy doesn't necessarily indicate that gg and dd are an item at that time. But it could.

These 2 clips are definitely interesting in how early they happen, and the earlier we see signs that gg and dd are an item, the more likely the devil's timeline is real.

So yeah. If you're on the devil's side, you got just as much support as anybody else based on this timeline.

Confusing dates

@bzhitstruth and I brought up a couple clips on the timeline that surprised us with their dates. Specifically, the jealousy in English conversation and the "I'm not talking about wwx, I'm talking about xz" moment. Both of these take place in July, while it seemed to me that mid-June would be the latest that gg and dd could get together based on the walk of shame after the dragonboat festival date.

Why is it weird to have these 2 clips a month later?

Well, the jealousy conversation involves them each accusing the other of chatting up other people. DD is specific about having heard gg talking to a girl some days ago whereas gg just accuses dd of having talked to men on WeChat. (I'm putting aside whether dd and gg were chatting up other people bc I'm not incredibly interested in going there. I'm more interested in what it says that they had this discussion). This is a conversation that I would expect to see if they were either not yet in a relationship or if their relationship was brand new and they were bringing up old habits the other had that they feel threatened by.

It reads oddly if they're a month into their relationship.

The other clip is more subjective, but my general impression before doing the timeline was that dd's smooth pickup line there is some early-stage flirtation. Both dd's line and gg's reaction come across as fresh and new, not an interaction one has with a person they've been dating for a month.

These are both Type 1 clips, so as long as the bb playlist is correct, then I'm 100% sure that they're dated correctly.

As to what to make of all this...uh...

"It's complicated" relationship status

Here's a best guess? I'm not committed to this. Just spitballing ideas that may fit the timeline.

I'm also basing this on my experience dating before I got married (I got married when I was 28, so I was still dating when I was gg's age). Of course, I got married around 2010, so the tech and dating landscape was different then. And obviously, I'm an American bisexual woman, not a gay/bi Chinese man. So my experience is probably gonna be a poor fit for gg and dd's experience, is what I'm saying. Take everything with a big ol' grain of salt.

One thing I'm pretty firm on, they had a sexual relationship on or before 6/18. Dd's walk of shame is hard to otherwise explain. There is the possibility that dd did that lazy smell test thing where he didn't have any clean clothes so just wore what he wore yesterday without thinking about it. I knew a looottttt of guys his age that did that (in fairness, I did that sometimes). Course, they were poor college students or burnouts who did not have PAs and staff to do their laundry so...

I'm sticking to it my certainty here. It's not realistic that they started a sexual relationship later than 6/18.

I noted in the May summary post that when dd realized that gg was physically affectionate, he hopped to take advantage of that (not in a predatory way). On 5.4, dd was constantly draping himself all over gg. What if they started having casual sex around this date?

Bear with me, y'all.

Plenty of decent relationships start with casual sex. My marriage began with me intending it to just be FWB (my wife had other intentions and, well, obviously it moved beyond FWB). So let's not do any shaming on this (in other words, I will take it personally). It's a part of modern life. In addition, my understanding is that actors' sex life is oftentimes connected to what they're filming at any given time.

Being friends w/ benefits (FWB) means gg and dd have an intimate connection that we see on set sometimes. On 5.7, dd helps gg practice his dance, for instance. But it also means that they're not on firm romantic footing, even if feelings are creeping in (which they definitely were).

How might this play out? Check out my fanfic outline:

On 5.17, we have gg getting jealous of the camera man. He feels some exclusive claim to dd given their FWB relationship and given dd is clearly nursing a crush on him, and he doesn't like having competition for dd's attention.

On 5.22, they have that fight. I wonder if gg took dd by surprise by pushing the bounds of their relationship to that point. GG, like dd, is feeling more invested in their relationship than a simple FWB requires, and he's getting annoyed when dd doesn't act the same (by going off to lunch without telling him where he's going). DD looks stressed bc while he does want something more with gg, he didn't realize they were at that point, and he's worried he screwed things up before they could develop.

After that point, romance might have started to play more of a role in their interactions as both of them pick up on the fact that the other might want something more as well. On 6.1, gg pulls out the heavy flirting with a kabedon and whispering in dd's ear. DD is clearly into it.

On 6.7, we get the clip where dd seems to ask for a kiss from gg. If they've been having sex since May, this isn't a huge surprise. Their relationship must also be common knowledge on set (they had that 5.22 argument in front of a bunch of crew and XL, all of whom didn't even seem to be paying attention).

On 6.14, they have the frankly obscene Cold Spring Adventures with each other.

Then on 6.18, they go on a date (with director and producer for plausible deniability). Maybe it's the first actual date they have and marks when they officially move from FWB to explicit romance.

On 6.30, there's the scene where jgy monologues while gg wants dd to romantically give up his life for gg (and dd's like, "nah, I'll just use my sword").

Moving a FWB to a romance can be weird and can take some work. Old habits creep in a lot and the fact that things started as FWB can lead to some early relationship insecurity.

On 7.17, dd's a little insensitive when he calls gg stupid after gg injures his foot in the water. GG honestly doesn't seem to notice (he's focused on getting to the shore and looking at his foot), but dd is clearly beating himself up throughout the clip and apologizes multiple times.

On 7.18, we have dd doing his "I'm not talking about wwx, I'm talking about xz" line. Maybe he's going hard, trying to make up for his misstep from yesterday? Given gg's reaction, this is clearly the type of romance he's looking for, so dd pretty much nailed it.

On 7.23 we have the English jealousy conversation. As they started as FWBs, they were probably aware that the other had similar arrangements in the past. That was probably a source of insecurity for both of them at the beginning as they moved onto a romance. This may be what's behind this particular conversation.

On 8.4, the night before dd's birthday, we get some big romance with rooftop stargazing and a birthday countdown. Then on 8.5, the cake and prezzies. On the morning of 8.6, dd posts his Weibo message about continuing things he started at 21 when he's 81.

DD's Weibo post always read as a response to something specific. Maybe gg was starting to have reservations about where their relationship would go after filming. The end was in sight, and gg may have been wanting to pull away, citing dd's age as a concern.

At the same time, they haven't put the kibosh on things yet. Maybe they're just trying not to think about it. They're busy enough, after all, they can put it out of their minds. That's how we get gg singing sam smith to dd on 8.18.

But then something happens. Maybe gg gets some big reminder that filming is wrapping up soon. Whatever it is, he deletes dd as a contact on WeChat. This leads to the 8.20 fight where dd asks gg to add him back and gg says they'll go their separate ways.

Maybe gg does add him back that day after the fight. Maybe he decides to wait until the very end to disconnect rather than hash it out while they still have filming to do. Maybe there are crucial events happening that were never caught on camera (Okay, this is definitely the case).

Whatever it is, they return to some form of normal for the next couple days. Then on the day they wrap, maybe that's the day gg breaks it off again. This is why dd was late to the photoshoot and why they fought on the steps after.

Whew. Okay, so I think that kinda accounts for all the ups and downs of the timeline.

Again, I'm not committed to this take. I'm just spitballing something that might make sense of some of these dates on the timeline. I'd love to see what other folks come up with!

We're all probably wrong anyway, and there's no way we'll ever know! 🤡🤡🤡🐢🐢🐢🐢

[yandere-sins]

Heyo! Can you please answer Q6, Q4, Q2, & Q16. Also have a peaceful and lovely day/night<3

[Writer asks here]

Thanks so much for asking ♥ I am surprised so many of you were curious!!

»»———————— ♡ ————————««   

#2 Do you listen to music when you write? What does your current writing playlist look like?

I actually do! And very specific ones, I have a few selected youtube videos which are either lo-fi hip hop or writing/studying music and just run on repeat. I'll link some of my favorites to give you an idea!

1 | 2 | 3

Most important is no lyric (especially not if I can understand it, but I usually also don't like the songs that are have people humming or singing to the songs and will skip these), upbeat but I keep the volume low so it really is just a background music (but that means like classical music doesn't really hit the itch), and preferable with ambiance sounds like rain or waves or so.

Sometimes music can be almost too much, so I use mynoise.net for either the Irish Waves or the white noise, depending on what suits me that day. It's my personal recommendation for anyone wanting background noises.

Lastly, yes, I am very jealous of artists who can do their art while watching movies or the like. But I can't even have someone talk to me while I write so that is just the biggest no-go lol

#6 When (and not if) you ultimately finish your WIP and publish, do you picture yourself giving readings and signings and interviews, or would you prefer to stay out of the public eye? 

Hm, complicated. I am not a super private person and I love talking with people (I am an introvert but my family and my job raised my tolerance lol) so I'd probably do well if I wanted to do events. But, if I ever get to finish my book, I'd go for self-publishing so the chances that I'd ever have a signing or reading is just super low because pulling it off on my own just seems... harder. Not impossible but harder. I don't think the genres I want to go into could be picked up by traditional publishing, so it would be a lot of work, and I don't know if I have enough dedication to see it through. Passion, yes, time and resources, no.

However, I think if I did have a book, I might start tableing at my conventions! I see a lot of authors there and that might lean towards my target audience more!

I think I'd still like to sign books though, maybe have a special sale and then sign them and send them to people or something. That would be cool. It was nice to write a special note to everyone who got my Yantober book, so I know I'd really like to do that!

#16 CHALLENGE: Tell us about your current project in three sentences or less. 

Oooh, hmmmm, let's see. It's something all of you guys chose in a poll a while ago, so how do I tease it without revealing too much hmmmm...

It's an isekai story and inspired by an existing manga (manhwa?). The concept is similar but I haven't read the original, I am just turning the core idea around and making it properly yandere (although the idea has been done in different versions a lot). The main character/reader misjudges the effects it'll have to just level up one certain stat and it comes back to bite them in the form of a typical noble getting overly obsessed.

Hope that keeps everyone guessing lol! :D

[da-birb-writes-sometimes]

Driving Habits -Pomefiore Edition

Can they drive? If so, what kind of drivers are they? What are their car habits?

Characters; Vil Shoenheit, Rook Hunt & Epel Felmier

Content; mentions of road rage, swearing

Word Count; 500+

Find the Rest of the Series; Heartslabyul, Savanaclaw, Octavinelle, Scarabia, Ignihyde, Diasomnia

Author’s Note; As a reminder, do not put my work — or others for that matter — into AI as it steals. Link to Masterlist

Vil Shoenheit

He keeps to the rules of the road and somehow got near perfect on his driving exam. He gives all the learning/beginning drivers lessons, regardless if they want them or not.

Listens to classical music and a radio show that discusses any scandals going on in the acting sphere. If he has a role coming up, he will play any songs that he may have to sing. He does not share the aux under any circumstance.

His phone is on silent and is in his carry-on. He wears a bluetooth headpiece in case chaos breaks loose in the ten minutes that he is absent from the dorm.

Keeps emergency beauty supplies, snacks, and an extra change of clothes; both his casual look and his ‘hiding from the press’ get up. He keeps his car clean, and it’s most likely custom to match his preferences.

Just digs his nails into the steering wheel whenever someone cuts him off or rides his ass. He refuses to give into flipping people off or honking at them, even though he really wishes to in the moment.

Rook Hunt

A good driver albeit a bit fast. He sat in during his older siblings’ lessons, and they then taught him. Likes to go out on little joy rides every so often.

You cannot tell me that he doesn’t listen to musicals and opera when he’s driving. He has several playlists dedicated to Vil’s and Neige’s singing roles. He also does not share the aux, unless Vil is in the vehicle.

Keeps his phone on silent, he doesn’t need the pinging to notify him when someone has messaged him or the latest gossip just dropped; he knows.

His trunk is filled with extra crossbows and outdoor gear; he has gotten pulled aside and questioned heavily. He keeps it hidden now. He also has little keepsakes from people he finds interesting.

Doesn’t get road rage, he just chuckles to himself and keeps on driving as if someone didn’t nearly try to drive him off the road. Someone could be flipping him off and he’ll just have that happy look on his face. But he has a dash cam since sometimes truly interesting things do happen.

Epel Felmier

He is a speed demon. GOTTA GO FAST. Vil is giving him lessons, but if anything it just makes him want to go faster. 

Country boi plays country music or “manly” music [whatever that means] when he’s on the road. Will fight people who touch his aux, and will fight over the aux in other people’s cars; he cannot stand Rook’s opera music.

His phone isn’t on silent, but he doesn’t text or call while driving; he got lectured by his meemaw last time. Will outright ignore the voice messages Vil leaves.

Keeps a bunch of promotional items for the family farm in his trunk at all times. He also has some Spelldrive equipment just in case. The only decorations he has are gifts from his parents and meemaw. If anyone teases him about them, he is kicking them out of his car, enjoy walking.

Has bad road rage; swearing up a storm in his accent, flipping them off, honking, the whole shebang. After an incident, he’s forced to have either Vil or Rook be in the car with him at all times.

[pact-if]

PACT - IF

updated 8/28/24

DEMO(TBA) | GENERAL PLAYLIST | PINTEREST | RO INTROS

You're finally doing it. You're finally setting out on your Quest, as is tradition. Though it's been a few years since you technically came of age, this rite of passage will settle it into tradition. The trip has been postponed long enough, and you won't let anything distract you!

Until, of course, you come across a strange creature unlike anything you've seen before. And, somehow, bind your souls together.

A soul bond, a pact, can't just be undone. They can fade, sure, but they're never broken. A pact blends the magic, emotion, and even physical traits of its members. Along with adjusting to the webs that now grow between your fingers, there's a pull in your chest you know is from the creature. It wants you to follow it.

What else can you do?

PACT is a light fantasy IF Game focusing on found family and love of all kinds. Design your character (including name, gender/pronouns, and magic specialty) and explore the bonds that form between life, for the smallest of reasons. The only major warning right now is attempted violence against (fantastical) animals.

ROs:

THE RESEARCHER: Vyn (nb, they/them)

A scatterbrained researcher and magizooligist, who is fascinated to see a creature even they don't recognize. Excitable and driven by their unending curiosity, Vyn insists on tagging along on your journey. They're incredibly smart, and have been offered multiple positions at various prestigious institutes... that they've turned down in favor of spending their time staring at bugs. Vyn’s tendency to wander makes them difficult to form a real connection with, something they’ve insisted they’re fine with—but they’d be lying if they said it didn’t get a bit lonely sometimes.

(Vyn is aromantic. They can be "romanced," but not in a traditional sense. You can be friends, queerplatonic partners, or romantic partners. In a romantic route, Vyn is still aro! They're not going to engage with this relationship like an allo person would.)

THE ACADEMIC: Lyra (f, she/her)

The daughter of the prestigious Augusti family was born with very little magical energy, a stark difference from her family. Lyra has been sheltered and kept mostly a secret since birth, both for her protection and the protection of the Augusti legacy. Though a bit late, Lyra is embarking on her Quest to throw off her family name and come into her own identity as a scholar of magical theory. As gentle as she is stubborn, Lyra has spent her life learning the intricacies of magic, and how she can make it work for her.

THE ARTIFICER: Aster (m, he/him)

An engineer specializing in integrating technology and magic. The only thing Aster loves more than machines is his Phoenix companion—his pactmate is the most important thing in the world to him, and the two are so closely bonded they may as well share a soul. Aster is an open book, and exudes the kind of genuine warmth that makes you feel like laughing with friends around a campfire, but the burn scars that cover his left arm point to his fierce dedication and willingness to jump into fire for those he cares about.

THE GUARDIAN: Eilivur (f, she/her)

Born with enough magical energy to make her glow in the dark, but preferring a greatsword, Eilivur found the life of a knight far too restricting for her. Instead, she protects the places that often fall through the cracks. Her very presence is intimidating enough to ward off crime, but the locals know she's the one to turn to when they need food, muscle, or just a shoulder to cry on. Ei isn't the most open of people—basing your identity and sense of self around being a protector doesn’t exactly lend itself to vulnerability—but she's a steady presence for those who need her.

THE GUIDE: Jae (nb, xe/xem)Parents tell their children stories of an old witch in the woods who will eat them if they get lost. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Jae is a guide of the dead, a ranger who has sworn an oath to silence among the living. Xe’s not bothered by the stories, though—the woods are dangerous, and xe has enough passed children coming to them confused. Xe’s very private, and if people find xem unsettling, that just means xe can do xir work in peace.

[bologna-whale]

The brain rot is real, here are Kendrick Lamar songs that I think Dragon Age Characters (mainly DA:O tbh) would bump at max volume and why:

PRIDE - Solas (obviously, I mean common it’s in the name). Not just the opening line of “Loves Gonna get you killed but pride is gonna to be the death of you and you and me.” But there are some lines that stick out. “In another life I was surely there; Me I wasn’t taught to share, but care; I care, I care; maybe I wasn’t there (x4)” - the self awareness of the song, the regret, the themes of resentment and mentions of broken promises. Great addition to any Solas playlist especially for freaks like me who romanced the egg. “I wouldn’t blame you for the mistakes I made or the bed I laid” also stands out lyrically.

Father Time - Morrigan (hear me out, ignore gender for a second) and Alistair as well. This is one of two songs that make me think of him so I won’t talk about him to much, just know the line “My Life is a Plot, twisted from directions I cannot see” fits both of them SO WELL. For her, I can’t help but replace Kendricks father in this song with Flemmeth. The themes of expectations placed on someone by the parent of the same gender is a tale as old as time, both Morrigans story and this song highlight this beautifully. Kendrick mentioning his father calling him weak for crying, dedicating oneself to work (or duty) instead of healing, yourself, and family, all make me think of her and make me want to hug her. Also the lyrics: “What’s the difference when your heart is made of stone; and your mind is made of gold; and your tongue is made of sword, but I may weaken your soul?” Chefs Mother fucking kiss

Count Me Out - Alistair, and arguably the warden and other protags (they’re getting two songs here so I’m going to focus on Alistair but know these apply to them too). This is def a post DAO song for him though. Especially if you romanced him, even more so if your ass is dead. A song about righting wrongs, trying better and forgive oneself, facing regrets, how love for the woman in his life is part of wanting to change. One of many songs on this list where I could go line for line, but I think that’s because this is one of my favorite Kendrick songs and one of my fave characters. “I love when you count me out” is such a lyric for any character in general. Here are some other stand outs since this song is why I’m making this post to begin with: “I care too much, wanna share too much; in my head too much, I shut down too” - “This time I trust myself; please everybody else but myself; All else fails I was myself; out done fear outdone myself” - “You made me worry; I wanted my best version but you ignored me; then changed the story” - and finally “Somethings I can’t forget; Lord knows I tried my best; you said it’s not my best; I came up out my flesh; somethings I must confess; spoke my truth, paid my debt; Can’t you see I’m a wreck; Let me loose I digress; This is me and I’m blessed (x4); Anybody else fighting through the stress?” ❤️

United in Grief - The protags, but especially Warden and Hawke. I didn’t play 2 but have seen a lot of content with it, so I won’t speak to much on that end. I just feel it would fit from what I have seen. But the warden??? The line “I grieve different” is reaching a part of their soul otherwise untouchable. Especially Cousland and City Elf origins imo. Also how the song is half bragging and half self criticism? The wee of throwing yourself into work to ignore the pain you’re in? Chefs kiss. Very good protagonist song i general, even outside of dragon age.

Crown - Another protagonist song, for no particular reason I really think do the inquisitor with this one. The mentions of control and responsibility, the age old notion that heavy is the head that wears the crown. Most notably the repeating line of “I can’t please everybody.” There’s also the opening “You walk around like everything is in control; favors come with favors, you can’t say no” I quite literally RPGs in a nut shell LMAO

Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe - Lelianna all day. I think she would resonate with the repetition “I am a sinner; Who’s probably going to sin again; Lord forgive me (x2); Things I don’t Understand; Sometimes I need to be Alone;” Also, mentions of change due to fame/power, of how some contemporaries feel soulless, making mistakes and wearing one’s heart on their sleeve. Lyrically and sonically this song is so beautiful, and has always made me think of her since I heard it during one of my replays. Also, bitch please don’t kill her vibe thanks.

Mother I Sober - Cullen. For one the mentions of faith. Easy way to relate to him. But also, this songs story of how Kendrick’s mothers trauma led to false accusations against a family member, how Kendrick was used as pawn in those accusations, how this continued to haunt him into adulthood, I could see this really resonating with a character like him. A song about generational trauma for a man who’s trauma has deeply effected him in catastrophic ways, cussing him to hurt others. I could see him relating to the lines “I wish I was somebody, anybody but myself” to a heart breaking degree.

m.A.A.d City - Zeveran. I know for a fact he’s actually going ape shit to this song. I mean I think everyone would be but especially him. He knows all the lyrics. He’s freaking his shit every time at the “Yawk, Yawk, Yawk, Yawk!” Part in the opening verse and I know the opening line hooked him instantly. “If Pirus and Crips all got along; they’d probably gun me down by the end of the song,” You’re telling me this doesn’t make you think of the Crows? Wild. Also dumb head cannon, Zeveran would introduce Kendrick to Alistair, Alistair would then become the biggest surprise fan of Kendrick in all of Theda’s if they had Spotify. This is a more silly one but I gotta show love to Zeveran.

[bookinit02]

s5 script info/faq

hi guys! in exactly a week, i'm going to start posting my original stranger things s5 script. here's a general info/faq post for easy reference :)

about the script:

what: this script is designed to be a culmination of my ongoing rewrite series, which is a fanfic version of each season of stranger things, written through the lens of alternating byler pov. since season 5 hasn't released yet, and we've still got a ways to go, i decided to write an original script to base my last installment off of. the script will be 10 episodes, at about 60 pages each, and serve as a companion to my season 5 fic.

where: script episodes will be posted here on my tumblr, and be linked to a pinned post (which will go up in a few minutes). fic chapters will be posted on my ao3, as usual.

when: currently, i'm planning to have at least one post a week: the script episode will release on a sunday, and then the two accompanying chapters on the next two fridays. so, for example, the first few releases will look like this: script 1 on sunday 9/3, chapter 1 on friday 9/8, and chapter 2 on friday 9/15. this gives you about a week to read each new post! of course, you can read however you'd like: script first, or fic first, depending on your preference. i decided to post the scripts first to try and mimic the rest of the rewrite experience: "watching" the show, then reading the fic. if there's any schedule delays due to typical life stuff, i'll let you guys know!

frequently asked questions:

will the script cover every plotline?: yep! with 60 pages per episode, there's a bit of time dedicated to every character, as much as i can feasibly manage. of course, this means that the script will be less byler-focused than the fic series has been (but still more than the original show, lol). but not to worry—the fic companion will add extra scenes and plenty of byler content. this also means that some of the plots will only be accessible through the script, as the fic is entirely from byler pov. but it's still up to you whether you would like to read or not!

will there be any character deaths?: i'm going to answer this right now: there will be no character deaths. i want the script to be realistic, but it's also my version, and i always try to give my characters happy endings :) this doesn't mean that there won't be some close calls, though. we'll have to see. :)

will there be a playlist?: yes! i've spent some time testing out playlists for the first two episodes, and they're both fully completed. they'll be linked along with the script, along with a timing guide for anyone (like me) who likes being insane about the details. playlists are always tricky because everyone reads at different speeds, so i've written out which scenes go with each song, and you can skip along as needed. if you prefer not to listen with music, of course you don't have to—though i will say that most songs are just soundtrack instrumentals to set the mood :) it might be a little finicky, so i'm sorry in advance! i'll always try to perfect them as much as possible before posting.

will you do another rewrite after s5 releases?: currently, i'm planning on it. of course, we have no idea how much longer it's going to take, or what exactly will happen in canon (or in life), but if i'm in a place to write fic, then yes! i'll do a typical rewrite and add it to the end of my series, so you guys can have your choice of endings :)

how do we leave comments?: if you want to leave a comment on the script, i'm happy to receive them in asks, messages, or post comments! you can also leave them on the fic chapters if you'd like. edit 9/1: you should be able to leave comments in the google doc! be mindful of what account you are using, as these comments will be public. for a more comprehensive comment policy, click here.

do i have to read the rest of the rewrite series first?: reading the rest of the rewrite isn't necessary, but it is a good idea. i know it's a lot to read, so don't feel pressured, just know that some things might not make as much sense without the prior context! my rewrite series is pretty canon-compliant, but a lot of relationship dynamics are developed in a very specific way, and we pick up right where we left off at the end of a new place to be from. so, essentially: no, but you'll probably want to.

do i have to read the script?: definitely not. if you prefer to just read the fic, you absolutely can! it'll make sense on its own, you might just miss out on some of the extra plotlines and context.

that's about all i can think of for now—if you have any questions that weren't answered in this post, please send me an ask and i'll edit this post to include your question! i've been working on this project for a few months now, and i'm really excited to share it with you guys :) thank you all for giving it a shot! see you next sunday <3

[hyatoro]

have u ever considered making playlists for the yans?? and on the topic, what kinda music do they listen to? though i guess aside from classical, mr carver doesnt have much of a choice considering the time period he’s in… 😭

I don’t see myself doing full playlists, but I can drop some songs that I feel suit them. It could be the song vibe itself, the lyrics, or because it’s a genre I see them listening to. I mostly listen to Asian music though, so that’ll greatly influence things.

Franklin Russell Fall Out Boy - Alone Together I think it’d be funny if he was a Fall Out Boy kid and would listen to this with big headphones while his sisters knocked on his bedroom door to take out the trash or something. He listens to it and is like, yeah. What if we WERE alone together…Haha jk…unless?

Marianas Trench "Cross My Heart" This one too. Basically the songs where it feels clingy? That’s his vibe. Music from around 2010 is his jam, but in current day people think he listens to a bunch of pop, which he does.

Hwang Minsu 米津玄師 - 海の幽霊 Kenshi Yonezu - Spirits of the Sea It’s a song he’d both listen to but also relate to when he meets you the reader. It’s a song that’s chill but otherworldly. Listening to it makes him feel like his lungs fill with air, like his life has meaning once more. I’d assign this song to him for vibes and lyrics.

Nightcore - Mayday Parade Anywhere But Here BIG on it specifically being the Nightcore version. This is before he meets you lol. It has to be the nightcore version in his case cause the original doesn’t feel right to him.

Kayden Nguyen

CHẠY NGAY ĐI (ONIONN REMIX)

THÚ VỊ HƠN VẬY - TRỌNG HIẾU (ft. Quỳnh Anh Shyn)

WREN EVANS - bé ơi từ từ

I listen to V-Pop and I see Kayden’s music taste being a little fuck boi-ish. So these songs are like the genre of music he’d listen to rather than how he feels as a character. So he gets a third song cause the V-Pop scene needs more attention.

Augustine Carver Fujii Kaze - Shinunoga E-Wa Big on the lyrics here for this dude. It’s also his entire vibe, especially post-story him once he gets attached to you. Tired of saying goodbye, choosing you over everything else, and most importantly wanting you to be his last because 1) his first (saintess) is dog shit. And 2) he fucking loves you and has dedicated the rest of his life to righting whatever wrongs he’s done to you and more.

Yo-Yo Ma, Kathryn Stott - The Swan (Saint-Saëns) A classical piece for my wonderful knight boy. The Swan by Sain Saens is how he feels when he gets to dance with you at balls. Everything besides you two is drowned out and it’s a deep and fully encompassing love. His mind is at utter peace when he’s with you.

[yeyinde]

HELLO! In 2021, I read your ao3 work, "baby, (dont) fear the reaper" for the first time. For 3 years since, i have been haunted. Occasionally i would go back and read your work front to back. Tbh, i didnt know much about dbd lore at the time. i read it bcs it has some vibes that im into, and boy oh boy, those vibes do not disappoint! Halfway through i realized that if your work was a novel, i would buy it 100%, no matter the cost. I fell in love with how the reader was portrayed, how such a somber and melancholic personality can be twisted into such a calculating, patient, and analytical character. Danny too, how the hell did you capture such a narcissist is beyond me. Reader's descend into revenge felt normal, a natural progression, like how a river flows into the sea. Though i never expected Reader to start hunting Danny back, i thought Reader will always be the prey, never the predator. Though, there are tells, from how the reader feels a bit detached (?) from their childhood, carrying heart scars from a toxic childhood friend, how Reader continues their friendship with the aforementioned toxic childhood best friend (a love for rebels, maybe? Or is it a want for the dark resulting in admiration, and then, love?) despite the harm it inflicts. (That flashback chapter to Reader's childhood will always be one of my favorite chapters!) Whatever it is, Danny is the nail in the coffin, pushing Reader into the cliff to freefall into madness. Danny is the real head scratcher, though. Even though there are whole chapters dedicated to Dannys's POV, i still cant understand why Danny is so enamored with Reader. Yes, Reader gets him in a way no one can, but what is it with Reader being a past victim of a homicide that attracts Danny so hard? He even lets his guard down around Reader-he invites her to his motel for god's sake! Albeit to craft alibi, of course, but still. There's a whole chapter on it, where Danny finds out about Reader's case, but i still cant wrap my head around it. As the author, would you mind delving into Danny's head again to explain why Reader has such a chokehold on Danny? (no pressure, of couse!)

-also sorry for bad English, love you! <3

i love talking about bdfr! it's my baby!! i still have the original Google Doc with all the chapters, the playlist, and the outline because it was one of those things i could never really part with. and i can't believe you've enjoyed it so much!!! i'm so thankful for that because this was really a labour of love. i left pieces of myself in it that i don't think i can ever get back, and i genuinely don't think i could ever write anything like it again. it was my lightning-in-a-bottle moment, for sure. and ahhhhhhhh, 2021??? has it really been that long?? it feels like it was only a few months ago that i was sitting in my car eating a lobster roll and writing out the "Home Depot" opener on my phone lmao

but Danny's obsession with their case stems largely from his own narcissism, really. it's also his eventual downfall. Danny (and most, if not all, of the Ghostface Killers) is canonically obsessed with horror. a very morbid fanboy. so him meeting a surviving victim of one spurns his curiosity but also, his competitiveness. Danny is the showstopper. everything he does is very theatrical. he can't help the nagging sense of inferiority whenever someone else comes along. so he's caught in a loop of comparing himself to this other person, and also angry that you let yourself get caught by someone so subpar.

eventually, Danny comes to the conclusion that you're supposed to be his Final Girl, but someone else got to you first. and it's the anger, the jealousy, the obsession that really kicks everything into motion between them. and the reason Danny comes to this conclusion is a bit of a misunderstanding in three parts. Cat and Mouse (killer versus spunky Everyman Journalist); the Perfect Victim (Final Girl Blueprint); and then Two Sides of the Same Coin (or: there was always supposed to be two Ghostface killers, right?). that's the outline i stuck to when writing their specific arc.

this got super long so i put my notes on all three arcs Danny goes through under the cut. i mapped this story out pretty meticulously, so i hope my initial outline sheds some light on the insanity that is Danny lmao

Cat and Mouse is just a manifestation of Danny's boredom. at this point in his life, he's pretty stagnant. this arc would be Halloween H20 for him. the Florida Murders haven't happened yet, but he's been all over the US and no one has come close to catching him. Jed is still a persona he can use without worry of being caught.

and then you come along, and you're immediately wary of Jed. this hasn't happened much for him. he's able to read people with a shocking amount of ease and knows how to tune himself to their personality. either being overly friendly (Leslie and Jed), flirtatious (Gemma and Jed), competitive (Colton and Jed), or extremely competent (Jonah and Jed), but you're the outlier. the one he can't read. he tunes himself into the Old You, but it obviously doesn't work anymore because that version of you is gone. he misreads you. this strikes a nerve. it's never happened before.

it's exacerbated by your wariness of Jed, too. the way you go out of your way to avoid him, despite how much he adjusts his supposedly infallible personality to match you, it never seems to work. you're always on edge. you never trust him.

and then you make the comment (to his face, no less) about him being a narcissist. and this shouldn't be as huge of a moment as it is. Danny's been doing this for a long time, and it's kinda crazy to assume no one has clocked his Ghostface persona. but it's the fact that you say this so openly. and given everything that's happened to you, it heightens the stakes for him. for the first time in a long time, Danny feels like he could (potentially) be cornered. he also feels seen. and for a narcissistic serial killer who craves attention and admiration and fear (as noted in his POV chap., song choices), this is straight dopamine for him. it's everything.

so, he tosses you into the role of his foil. the one who will chase him to the very brink. but he doesn't anticipate the fact that you'd almost willfully ignore the warning signs right in front of you just to remain inside this bracket of normalcy you're still desperately clinging to (which is your own narrative downfall). he goes out of his way to make you catch onto him, almost angry that you don't.

it then kicks off the second part. he starts to consider you HIS Final Girl. but there's a problem. you're not his. you'll never be his. for such an unrepentant narcissist, this is almost too much. he's bordering on the edge of utter fury and an almost noxious jealousy. he wants to be your demise so badly that it bleeds into just pure, unfettered want.

and then the final part of their story is Twisted Soulmates. it kinda struck me as odd that every single Scream film had TWO Ghostfaces. it's kind of the blueprint. but DBD does not. they just had Danny. so i started thinking about what would happen if there were always supposed to be two, and added elements of Danny's loneliness. he wants, desperately, to share his work with someone who understands but this sort of thing would never appeal to the general public that's he trapped inside. he also risks getting caught. it can never happen.

until you. your anger at the man who did this to you, who ruined your life, is as potent as his desire to kill. he can see it in you. this darkness. this shifting, ugly rage brimming just below the surface. it makes his hackles rise because you could be the perfect partner.

it's a big part of why he spends so much time trying to "show off." why he gets so jealous when you focus your attention on Michael Myers instead of him. and why he feels the need to get rid of Leslie. she's a moral obstacle in your way.

he wants your attention now. he wants your everything, but there are parts of you that he'll never have, and this loss is too great to ever let your relationship work in the "real" world. but in all honesty, he's fine with being your eventual demise if you decide not to go with him. being your FINAL killer is something he fantasises about a lot. he wants to kill you from the moment he sees your wariness over Jed to the very end when he makes you chase him all the way to Utah.

but then the Entity intervenes, and suddenly Danny has a way to have everything he wants. your death (over and over and over again), and you with him (forever, always, eternity). but his narcissism does not let him see the killer you're shaping into. and when you end up turning the plot on him, using your "friend" as bait to lure him in, Danny knows he's gravely misunderstood you. in fact, he's never really known the real you at all.

this, of course, just spurns the obsessiveness in him further, making it very unlikely that he'll ever let you go.