#more than 50% of horror movies if i’m being serious…

[rollercoasterwords]

once u start reading like. even the bare bones intro beginner disability studies critiques it really does become like impossible 2 ignore how so many movies that involve character going from monstrous/nonhuman -> less monstrous/more human r essentially just ‘disabled character becomes less disabled’ lol

[euphorial-docx]

10 horror or horror-adjacent movie recommendations from a certified horror fan :)

*rank is not to show best to worst. i just like numbering things.

1. WYRMWOOD

synopsis: a survivor of a zombie plague prepares to slash his way through a horde of sinister soldiers and ravenous monsters to rescue his kidnapped sister.

rating: not rated, but probably would be rated r

rotten tomatoes: 82% critics, 58% audience

review: if you like indie horror, this is for you. if you like more big-budget and clean films, then don’t even bother. despite being a little rough, this movie is a lot of fun and has one of the most memorable plot twists i’ve ever seen. a very creative take on a zombies. there’s a sequel, but i haven’t seen it yet.

2. ESCAPE ROOM

synopsis: six strangers find themselves in a maze of deadly mystery rooms and must use their wits to survive

rating: pg-13

rotten tomatoes: 50% critics, 53% audience

synopsis: is this movie great? nope! is it a lot of fun? hell yeah it is! the set pieces are stunning, and even though it leans into some lazy horror cliches, i think there’s enough creativity to keep it interesting. good for a fun movie night where you don’t want anything too serious or too mind-consuming. there’s also a sequel for this too, but i don’t really recommend it lol.

3. 28 DAYS LATER

synopsis: a group of misguided animal rights activists free a caged chimp infected with the "rage" virus from a medical research lab. when london bike courier jim wakes up from a coma a month after, he finds his city all but deserted. on the run from the zombie-like victims of the rage, jim stumbles upon a group of survivors, including selena and cab driver frank, and joins them on a perilous journey to what he hopes will be safety.

rating: r

rotten tomatoes: 87% critics, 85% audience

review: one of my favorite movies of all time, so maybe i’m biased. it is absolutely terrifying at times, but i feel it’s a good mix of social commentary, drama, and gore. also, cillian murphy.

4. 28 WEEKS LATER

synopsis: six months after the original epidemic, the rage virus has all but annihilated the population of the british Isles. nevertheless, the u.s. army declares the danger past, and american soldiers arrive to restore order and begin reconstruction. refugees return to british soil, but one of them carries a deadly secret: the virus is not gone and is even more dangerous than before.

rating: r

rotten tomatoes: 72% critics, 66% audience

review: bloody. terrifying. shocking. while the characters are a bit harder to care about, this movie has an eerie and dreadful atmosphere that immerses you and scenes that will hit you like a truck. there is one scene in particular that has stuck with me my entire life because of how gory and unsettling it is. if you don’t like violence, skip this one.

5. UNDERWORLD

synopsis: under cover of night, vampires engage in an age-old battle with their sworn enemies, the lycans, a clan of violent werewolves. selene, a vampire orphaned in the wake of a bloody lycan attack, works for the vampire clan as a trained killer. when the lycans take a mysterious interest in michael corvin, an exceptional mortal doctor, selene struggles to save him from lucian, a ruthless lycan leader hellbent on ending the vampire bloodline.

rating: r

rotten tomatoes: 31% critics, 79% audience

review: more horror-adjacent and supernatural flick. i remember loving the entire series, but i can mostly only remember the first. it’s been a hot minute since i’ve watched it, but it has a stylish gothic atmosphere, a cool female lead, and is so early 2000s/late 90s in a great way (in my opinion, at least.) it’s an under-appreciated, and divisive, action-horror classic.

6. BONES AND ALL

synopsis: love blossoms between a young woman on the margins of society and a disenfranchised drifter as they embark on a 3,000-mile odyssey through the backroads of america. however, despite their best efforts, all roads lead back to their terrifying pasts and a final stand that will determine whether their love can survive their differences.

rating: r

rotten tomatoes: 81% critics, 62% audience

review: you guys knew it would be here. another horror-adjacent recommendation in the form of horror-romance about cannibals. it’s is deeply romantic in all its gore, and unsettles just as much as it comforts. beautiful atmosphere, beautiful scenery, beautiful acting, beautiful music— everything about it is beautiful, but bloody enough to remind you why it got its r rating.

7. HELLBOY (2004)

synopsis: at the end of wwii, the nazis attempt to open a portal to a paranormal dimension in order to defeat the allies, but are only able to summon a baby demon who is rescued by allied forces and dubbed "hellboy.” 60 years later, hellboy serves as an agent in the bureau of paranormal research and defense, where he, aided by abe sapien, a merman with psychic powers, and liz sherman, a woman with pyrokinesis, protects america against dark forces.

rating: pg-13

rotten tomatoes: 82% critics, 66% audience

review: it’s a sci-fi/action/fantasy, but in my heart i know it’s got some horror in it. hellboy has some stunning set designs and makeup/styling that make this movie stand out amongst other comic book adaptations. ron perlman is the definitive hellboy, and guillermo del toro gave this story a unique sense of style and wit. (also, abe sapien? one of my favorite character ever.)

8. READY OR NOT

synopsis: grace couldn't be happier after she marries the man of her dreams at his family's luxurious estate. there’s just one catch— she must now hide from midnight until dawn while her new in-laws hunt her down with guns, crossbows and other weapons. as grace desperately tries to survive the night, she soon finds a way to turn the tables on her not-so-lovable relatives.

rating: r

rotten tomatoes: 89% critics, 78% audience

review: a lot of recent horror movies have let me down, but ready or not is refreshing for the genre. it has a compelling dark humor, as well as clever writing that both makes you laugh and keeps you on the edge of your seat. i highly recommend to any and everyone. it’s great! it’s not a tough watch and easily makes you want to pay attention without it feeling like a chore.

9. X

synopsis: a group of actors sets out to make an adult film in rural texas under the noses of their reclusive hosts, but when the elderly couple catches their young guests in the act, the cast finds themselves in a desperate fight for their lives.

rating: r

rotten tomatoes: 94% critics, 75% audience

review: it may take on the classic slasher formula, but ti west’s direction keeps it fresh. i will say it kind of meanders a little bit, but generally it’s a good time with some good kills and a nice slowburn that doesn’t leave you unsatisfied once the credits roll.

10. NOPE

synopsis: a man and his sister discover something sinister in the skies above their california horse ranch, while the owner of a nearby theme park tries to profit from the mysterious, otherworldly phenomenon.

rating: r

rotten tomatoes: 83% critics, 69% audience

review: jordan peele is amazing. nope is an alien horror flick that expertly builds suspense and keeps you locked in, even when you don’t want to be. some scenes in this film have disturbed me more than anything else i’ve ever seen. the alien itself is imposing and brings a sense of anxiety, and the characters are charming and witty. daniel kaluuya and keke palmer are fantastic leads. also, we love smart horror protagonists!

[finniestoncrane]

(Ednyxmatic here. Curse the limitations of sideblogs.)

Yooo! Congrats on the 1k. I love your headcanons and fics. You totally deserve the 1k. :3c

If you feel so inspired to write something, could I ask for number 9?

Here is a bit about me 😅 :

I’m 5 feet 3 inches and blonde with long hair. I have glasses very similar to the style that Daniel Jackson wears on Stargate: SG-1. I’m grey ace and look feminine, but I am somewhere under the non-binary umbrella.

For my personality traits, uh, well, I have two anxiety disorders, lol. Specifically social anxiety and generalized anxiety. I definitely try to be social when I can, /but/ it can be difficult. I’m definitely a hopeless romantic, often to a fault. I could best be described as … indoorsy. I like reading, writing, occasionally drawing, and watching movies. In particular I’m a pretty huge horror movie fan. I also very much enjoy movies from the 30s-50s, particularly film noir.

I also enjoy houseplants and love reptiles. I actually own two lizards. :D

I got an English lit degree and my job involves copy editing and writing, so analyzing writing and such is a big part of my personal and professional life.

Thank you very much for reading this! And no problem if you don’t get a chance to respond!

🎀 No.9: Ever Fallen In Love With Someone 🎀

tell me a little bit about yourself and i'll give you a rogue pairing a/n: i literally read this and was like "him" for serious u-u 1k milestone info! 🔞minors dni🔞 • kofi • tag: finnie1k

quick sidenote: had no idea who daniel jackson was, never seen a lick of stargate, will now be binging it because james spader in those glasses has me REELING

ok so, non-binary works so well for harvey. you can be everything, you can be nothing, it works for him because while there is no absolute, the absence of something is the presence of something

he's also more focused on a relationship that brings something to the table, something he can work with. the same kind of partnership (although on slightly better terms hopefully) as he has with two face

i'm not making light in the slightest but hey, it's the perfect number of anxiety disorders to have. and he'd be more than happy to do the talking for you in social situations, both of them would be

he'd also understand the need to will yourself to be social, it's easy for him to shut himself away, with the only person he can speak to being himself, so it would be good for you both to encourage each other

hopeless romantic? now we're talking. because i think harvey is one of the softest, most romantic boys out there. really traditionally woos people, charms them and romances them like he was in some terribly dramatic old movie

which speaking of, he is definitely a massive fan of film noir, so that would make an excellent date for you both, either at a film festival or watching them on the sofa

creativity, especially indoorsy creativity, would suit him. someone who is grounded in themselves and can work away quietly would be a nice calming presence. he's a house person really, you don't see him striving to get out and about unless he has crimes to commit, so having someone else kicking around the place with him would be nice

please, stop with the twos! you have two lizards? perfect. one is harvey's favourite now and the other is two face's favourite. i don't know much about them, but the spicier of the two, guess who's favourite that one is...

gosh you've got intelligence in scores, and that's so key. i think harvey's intelligence is often overlooked, his temper and attitude sometimes overshadow it. but the man was a DA, he passed the bar. so someone on an intellectual equal with him, especially in something as interesting for him as copy editing, would make the perfect partner

[indiana-b0nes]

day 29 & 30!!

day 29: i think beauty can mean anything. beauty is a social construct and i think it’s stupid. everybody can be beautiful, and it’s dumb that society tells people that they can’t.

day 30: 10 facts about me??

1. my safe f00ds are oatmeal, yogurt, tuna, konjac noodles, salad, rice cakes, seaweed, fruit & veg.

2. i love music??? i really enjoy like. most music & u will never see me without my headphones

3. i’ve had a fucked up relationship with f00d since i was a kid, but it didn’t get properly serious until i was like. 11 or 12?? maybe 13?? when i started “£@t1ng h€@lthy” and w0rk1ng 0ut a lot. and being jealous of how sk1nny my best friend was. she probably had an €d also because her period stopped ‘because of how much she was 3x£rc1s1ng’ and she said that it was normal for people in sports and it so could be, but that is totally also a textbook sign of st@rv@t10n so idk dude.

4. i love books!!! neil gaiman is probably my favourite author ever and his books were probably the only thing that got me through 10th grade. i used to be the type of person you would never see without a book in hand but i’ve been really busy lately and haven’t found anything good :(

5. my family is i think on the verge of discovering that i have an 3d. my grandmother (who had 4n0r€x1@ in her 20s) tried to buy me f00d & when i refused her offer, told me she didn’t want me “withering away” & made me take the oranges she had with her. (i’m terrified)

6. i’m in alt school?? it’s a really neat program and most of the people there are really chill. it’s weird cuz i used to be in like. a mainstream high school and this one only has like?? 40-50 students i think?? it’s really small

7. i also have a history with b1ng€ 3@t1ng!! my parents were very strict about sugar when i was a kid, and they always hid the cookies and ‘treats’ and i would always find them and like. climb on top of our fridge and like. £@t half a pack of mint oreos. or €@t seven chocolate dipped granola bars and then hide the wrapper in the couch. one time when i was like 3 or 4, i hid under our couch with a box of after eights from christmas and @t3 like?? pretty much the whole thing i think??

8. i have a pretty big friend group & they’re all really awesome and i would probably kill & die for every single one of them but especially my gf <3 also like??? my friends are cool???? like we’re all cool in the loser way but like. in the hot gay loser way yk?? like one of the newest additions to our group is basically the girl version of jesse pinkman but she’s also a 90’s dad rock nerd. my gf is a 60s/beatles nerd and loves nic cage & horror movies. like. we’re weird losers but in a cool way

9. this is soo gonna be more of a disclaimer than a fact about me but like. whatever. i started smoking/vaping bc i heard it was an @pp3t1t£ svppr€ss@nt and i figured it would make it easier to st@rv£. it doesn’t guys. it just increases your risk of lung diseases don’t smoke. the @pp£t1t3 svpr€ss1ng effect does not last that long, and it’s a lot of trouble to go through for not feeling as hvngry for like. two minutes. don’t do it guys

10. idk what else there is to say?? i’m a huge nerd, i love horror movies, i have horrible adhd & become super obsessive because of that sometimes, i’m a people pleaser, i hate my therapist, i LOVED fleabag, i get a different answer everytime i take the myers briggs personality test, but i know that i’m an extrovert and perceiving, idk???

stats!!

height: 5’6 1/2 ish???

hw: 170ish??

lw: 125 i think?

cw: 133.8

next gw: 130

ugw: 100

bmi: 21.3

[lord-of-the-ducks]

I’m so glad that people on tumblr are reading Dracula and making memes about it because I’ve been STARVED for Dracula memes for literal years. I have to scour the internet for groups specifically dedicated to the book (and not the god awful 1992 movie, I’ll rant about that another time though) and when I do find these groups and find memes, they’re usually really broad and frankly not very funny. Like, impact font “JONATHAN AT THE CASTLE BE LIKE” sort of thing. I laugh, because my standards are low and I’ve occasionally found some really funny stuff, but I had to actively search for this stuff.

Now hundreds of strangers on tumblr who are infinitely funnier than I am are making memes about Jonathan being a recipe blogger and no joke, I haven’t laughed this hard in years. I also feel like the biggest fucking nerd on the planet because as soon as I see a joke/meme that is specific enough that it shows that the OP actually read Dracula and knows what they’re talking about, I’m on the floor cackling so much that I can’t breathe. It’s like that one post about chefs going nuts for memes about working at a restaurant. . I’m taking so many screenshots just because I want to have more Dracula memes to show people.

Anyway, apologies for the incoming rant, but I vaguely heard that there was someone throwing a fit over people making Dracula memes and not treating the book seriously, and I’m not sure if that’s true or if it’s just a case of the internet being the internet, but let me make something VERY clear as someone who owns 13 books related to Dracula and even more about vampires in general, and has been doing research on Bram Stoker for pretty much my entire high school career, and will probably be doing so years into the future:

This book is fucking ridiculous.

I’ll talk later this month about why I’m so passionate about it (I already scheduled posts for days I think tumblr is going to go crazy) but anyone who tells you that Dracula is a serious gothic horror novel is lying through their teeth. It’s not. People didn’t start taking it seriously until after Bram Stoker died and the book started getting adaptations. Most of the people I’ve seen call Dracula a literary masterpiece don’t seem to actually have read Dracula, they’re just projecting all their feelings about the most well known monster in western fiction onto the book that created him.

I’ve definitely said this before, but if I accomplish anything in my life, I want it to be making classic literature more accessible. I’m the most anti-gatekeeping anyone could possibly be. But if I see any supposed Dracula veterans being pretentious about it, I am going to gatekeep the FUCK out of them because I firmly believe that anyone who has actually read the book should know that it is fucking ridiculous. I’ll be the first to tell you that this book has massive flaws, from the racism and misogyny and internalized homophobia, to the fact that there are just some bad writing choices like describing exactly how the protagonists found all 50 of Dracula’s boxes in way too much detail. Seriously, I was talking to my uncle a couple months back and he told me that he’s reading Dracula since I like it so much, and first thing I did was reassure him that *yes, that part of the book is boring as hell, it could have been a couple sentences, I promise it goes back to being cool*.

Don’t let ANYONE tell you that you’re enjoying this book wrong. I’ve been making some of the jokes about Jonathan having queer dreams from paprika and being the world’s biggest wife guy for years, and it warms my heart to see people who are also finding those things funny. Even if it’s not high brow or whatever, you’re still engaging with the text. And if you are having trouble understanding the 125 year old language, there is no shame in looking things up. There’s a sparknotes study guide with a summary for each chapter, along with character descriptions and analysis, and if you think that would help you, go for it! If you think an audiobook would help you, there’s a bunch of free ones on YouTube since Dracula is in the public domain, and I’m sure you could also find some on other platforms. There’s also an excellent summary done by Overly Sarcastic Productions over on YouTube, and while I do have a couple nitpicks, it’s really funny and engaging and FUN FACT! THE ENTIRE REASON I READ DRACULA WAS BECAUSE THAT VIDEO MADE ME WANT TO! I read this book for the first time already knowing what happens because it’s much easier for me to read older texts when I don’t need to worry about figuring out what the hell is going on!

(Side Note: I didn’t name myself after Red on purpose, but when I realized that I had given myself the same name as the youtuber who introduced me to my favorite book ever and made me fall in love with literature in general, it made my name so much more meaningful)

I know I’m not the only Dracula veteran who feels this way too. I’ve seen so many people who this book means a lot to expressing excitement at the fact that so many people are reading and genuinely enjoying it, and I’m sure if any of them saw someone being an asshole about it, they would not hesitate to drag them through the mud.

This post was longer than I expected, but I just wanted to express how much I love all the memes and that I’m going to unleash my full fury on anyone who has the audacity to suggest that it’s not the “correct” way to enjoy Dracula. Also, if it isn’t clear, I also have a lot of pent up rage at people who shame others who need audiobooks or study guides

[blessyourhondahurley]

Charles in Charge

Flufftober prompt: Meddling friends Suptober prompt: Young at Heart Random word: serious

The heart of this fic was inspired by this tumblr post. The quiz in question is here.

(Read on AO3)

The email comes through with a beep, late Tuesday night.

From: Red <cbradbury42@nerdmail.com> Subject: This is serious

The body of the message is nothing but a tinyurl link, no greeting, explanation, or context. Dean is no fool. He texts Charlie.

 Dude, did you just send me an email? No message, just a link? Or am I being phished rn?

The reply is immediate.

 Yes, I did send it, and ten points to Hufflepuff for checking in with me before you clicked – trust no one, my friend. This was in fact a test, and you passed, but you should also in fact click the link. Now leave me alone, I have company. Text me tomorrow, after you talk to Cas.

Okay, that's weird. “Company” probably means Dorothy is over, which means Charlie is unavailable to chat tonight. But why is she so sure he'd be talking to Cas?

Sure, he and Cas are friends, have been since college. (Maybe Dean wishes they could be more than friends, but he knows that's a pipe dream). They hang out every Friday night at his place, movies and pizza, and if any of their friends are free they join in. (Maybe Dean likes the weeks best when no one else shows and he can pretend it's a date). They text each other throughout the week, memes and weird news stories and bitching about their jobs. (Maybe Dean's mood improves every time his phone plays Cas's personal text tone). But they're not inseparable – they sometimes go days without contact when life gets busy. They have no upcoming plans that Dean can remember.

So what did Charlie mean by “tomorrow, after you talk to Cas”? Hoping that whatever is at the link will shed some light, Dean clicks.

The page loads, and Dean has a series of reactions in rapid sequence.

First, an eye roll: A Buzzfeed quiz? This is what you call serious, Charles??

Second, a scoff: A quiz to find out whether my crush likes me back? Okay, I'm all for staying young at heart but we're grown-ass adults here. This isn't middle school. “Does your crush like you back?” Jesus Christ.

Third, a tiny stirring of curiosity: But, well, does he?

Pipe dream or not, there have been moments between them, here and there, when Dean felt a glimmer of hope. There's a certain smile Cas has that seems to come out only for him, a particular way he has of meeting Dean's eyes that always sends a jolt across Dean's skin.

Even the dependable regularity of their Friday night movie “dates” is a little odd, now that he thinks about it. Why do they both have every single Friday free to sit on Dean's couch watching bad 50's horror flicks and scarfing down greasy pepperoni slices? They aren't monks, either of them, but Dean has never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months, and Cas's record is only slightly better. And no matter who they might be with or what's going on for them, they never miss a Friday, not in all the years they've known each other. In retrospect, the perfection of this record seems to be an indicator of... something.

Okay, what the hell, let's do this, he thinks and scrolls down. The quiz starts with the basics. “How Do You Know Your Crush?” “Does Your Crush Know Who You Are?” “How Often Do You Talk To Your Crush?” “Is Your Crush In A Relationship With Someone Else?” Click click click click. The answers come easily.

“Do You And Your Crush Have Any Inside Jokes?” Dean smiles, thinking about the dumb things they text each other, references no one else would understand. Click. “Have You Ever Made Your Crush Laugh?” He remembers last Friday, when he'd made Cas laugh so hard he'd almost choked to death on a piece of green pepper. Click.

“Does Your Crush Give You Hugs?” Ah, Cas's hugs. He'd never tell another soul this, but sometimes the bear-like hug he gets from Cas at the end of a movie night is the highlight of his entire week. Click.

“Has Your Crush Ever Touched Your Arm While You're Talking?” The question kind of takes him aback. I mean... Yes? Is that supposed to mean something? He and Cas have never been shy about touching when they hang out, even beyond the hugs. Someone grabbing the other one's arm when there's a jump scare. Playful wrestling over control of the popcorn bowl. Fond hair ruffles. The end credits of their weekly movie usually sees them sprawled across Dean's little couch, legs in each other's laps or arms resting side by side along the back.

Back when they were crammed into a tiny dorm room together, Dean hadn't given any of it a second thought. Space was limited, and cuddle puddles were a classic part of the homesick student experience. After his feelings for Cas had deepened, he'd gotten a little greedy about it, hoarding those moments of casual touch and letting them warm him from the inside all week. It had been one of his guiltiest little secrets, actually. He'd never considered that Cas might be doing the same thing. Click.

“Do You Feel Like You Notice Your Crush Looking At You From A Distance?” Dean has to think about this one for a minute, but... Well, yeah, actually. Casting his mind back over the years he is suddenly struck, remembering dozens of times he'd tried for a sneaky ogle, only to find those blue eyes already fixed on him. He's starting to feel like he's been blind to something important, that maybe he's been blind for a long time...Click.

“Does Your Crush Flirt With You?” I don't even... Maybe??? For the first time since he started this silly quiz, he has to really think before picking his answer. He wavers with his mouse, pointing to KIND OF and then hovering next to YES, back and forth and back and forth and then he cops out. I CAN'T DEFINE FLIRTING because apparently I'm a dumbass. Click.

The page scrolls to display the last question. “Do You Just Get A Vibe From Your Crush That They Might Like You?” He feels like that meme of the Brazilian actress trying to do complicated mental math because now that you mention it, Buzzfeed, I think I kind of fucking do, and there's a nuclear explosion happening in his brain and another in the vicinity of his chest, and he's reaching for his phone because he needs to talk to Cas, but his phone's already ringing, and he thumbs the answer button by reflex and–

“Hello? Dean?”

It's Cas.

“Hey! Hi!” his voice is a little bit strangled, and he can't seem to catch his breath.

“Are you... Are you busy?”

He tries for casual and misses by a mile, probably landing somewhere in the neighborhood of frantic. “Nah, nah, just hangin' out, chillin', you know, whatta 'bout you?”

“I, um...” There's a worryingly long pause. Just as Dean is wondering if the call dropped without him noticing, Cas starts again. “I needed to talk to you,” he says, all in a rush. “Charlie sent me an email–“

“Wait,” Dean interjects. “Was it a Buzzfeed quiz?”

Another pause. “How do you know that?”

“She sent me an email, too.”

“Oh, well... Was it about, um...?”

There's an awkward silence. Dean takes a deep breath and charges in. “It was 'Does Your Crush Like You Back,' Cas. And I think... I think my crush likes me back.”

“Same here.”

Another silence, but this one was comfortable, and full.

“You wanna come over, Cas? We could watch a movie, and then... you could stay the night?”

“I'll be right there.”

------------------------

PS If you answer that Buzzfeed quiz the way Dean (or Cas) would, this is the result you get (with confetti and everything!):

[theparanormalperiodical]

Top 10 Controversial Horror Films That Are Famous For All The Wrong Reasons *gags* *cries*

At the beating heart of horror is offence.

From that undeniable sense of something not being quite right, to the CGI-blood-spurtin’-adrenaline-fuelled scenes that leave us shaking in our boots, horror pivots on the knife edge of controversy.

It’s used to drive plots. It’s used to drive hype. And at the end of the month, it drives studio executives to the bank.

Horror films can be traumatic enough. But there are some films that bear the cross of controversy more than others. There are some films that have been branded as so damaging to their potential viewers that merely circulating copies of the film is illegal.

And yet their infamy has forged cult viewership. What was once shielded from us has now become ‘must see’.

Today we are going to be counting down horror’s most controversial films and what made them quite so topical.

*I’m going to star the ones that you can actually watch without getting traumatised. Some are controversial not because of their content but because some religious or political groups disagreed with them*

#10 - The Blair Witch Project (1999)*

Let’s ease in with a classic - a classic you can watch without sleeping with the light on.

In this found-footage flick we see a team of film students as they explore a local urban legend. But what they find leads them to unknown and ungodly territory.

The problem with this film is that it was marketed as a true story. No, not based on a true story, a true story. Yep, they claimed what we were seeing was real, found footage of some teens going mad as they forage deeper into mysterious woods.

IMBd went so far as to report that the actors were dead. Then, the movie studio super-charged their efforts to confirm to the public that not only was this film 100% real, the three main actors were still missing. The parents of the actors then started receiving sympathy cards.

There’s even a mocked up website that perpetuates these claims. 

#9 - Night Of The Living Dead (1968)*

Time for another not-too-disturbing film.

This is the original zombie apocalypse film saw a group of Americans attempt to survive an incoming attack of the undead while trapped in a rural farmhouse.

But the Motion Picture Association of America wasn’t too happy about it. The film rating system was yet to be in place, allowing children to also show up for an afternoon screening and be greeted by a 97 minute montage of extreme violence.

“The kids in the audience were stunned. There was almost complete silence. The movie had stopped being delightfully scary about halfway through, and had become unexpectedly terrifying. There was a little girl across the aisle from me, maybe nine years old, who was sitting very still in her seat and crying”

#8 - Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

In this psychological film, we watch a random crime spree take place at the hands of a couple serial killers. Loosely based on real murderers Henry Lee Lucas and Ottis Toole, its controversial reputation was founded on the gore ‘n’ guts screened in the movie.

Whilst it didn’t receive much attention from the public, various classification boards across the world ensured new versions edited with certain scenes - often involving sexual assault and necrophilia - removed for viewers.

In 2003, the BBFC (the UK classification board) finally allowed the uncut version to be released and Australia followed suit in 2005.

#7 - I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

It’s the original rape-revenge flick. And it managed to piss everyone off.

Originally titled Day of the Woman, it tells the story of a fiction writer who exacts revenge on a group of four men who gang rape her.

Despite its pro-women claim-to-fame, the 30 minute rape scene begs to differ. Furious debate surrounds its feminist label as a film that forces the audience to endure rape from a female perspective and long-winded violence against men (something which is often reserved for women in horror). Regardless, the graphic violence earned it a steady ban in Ireland, Norway, Iceland, and West Germany.

#6 - Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)*

You don’t get many controversial Christmas films. They typically stick to a cookie-cutter plot ‘n’ purpose every holiday season. But there are no strong women who need to rediscover the meaning of Christmas here.

Instead, we see a child traumatised by seeing his parents murdered on Christmas Eve go on a seasonal rampage as an adult.

A week after its release in the early 80s, it was pulled from theatres due to backlash. Marketing was focused on a Santa Claus killer with adverts often airing during family-friendly TV programmes and meant numerous children developed a phobia of Father Christmas. Large crowds protested cinemas with one notable protest involving angry families singing carols at the Interboro Quad Theater in The Bronx.

It was only in 2009 - 25 years after its original release - that a DVD of the film was first made available for purchase in the UK.

#5 - Psycho (1960)*

This legendary film follows the disappearance of a young woman after her encounter with a strange man called Norman Bates, one of horror’s most iconic figures. The controversy that would engulf this fim lay not in the violent attack on an innocent woman or even the disturbing content of the film.

Oh, no. It was because of what the leading lady was wearing.

In the opening scene of the film, we see Janet Leigh wearing nothing but a bra.

*gasp*

This racy attire was emblazoned across promotional material, meeting Hitchcock’s high standards of creating controversy around the movie. There was a no late admission policy for movie theaters, and the posters told viewers “Do not reveal the surprises!” to maintain a mysterious aura around the plot twist.

#4 - The Human Centipede (2009) (all of ‘em)

I’ve watched a lot of horror films, in case you couldn’t tell.

I’m used to watching a scary movie, shaking off the anxiety, and moving on with my life. But there are some that stayed with me. I only watched the trailer for the first movie, and it legitimately traumatised me. It gave me quite a severe, sudden bout of a depression for a solid month when I was 13.

Throughout horror’s goriest franchise, we see an evil doctor and amateur mad scientist attempt to sow several people together into a centipede-like chain from mouth to anus.

*retches*

At the heart of promoting the franchise was controversy. Tom Six, the director, forced a narrative that claimed from the first film that this was "100% medically accurate". He even alleged a Dutch doctor helped inspire the film, confirming that with an IV drip, this was entirely possible.

Although it didn’t receive furore that amounted to serious censorship or long-term banning, it was infamous for having its viewers vomiting in the cinema aisles.

The second film, however, was subject to much more severe controversy and could not legally be supplied in the UK until 2011 due to its heavy focus on sexual abuse, more graphic violence than the original film, and it’s pretty vile depiction of a murderer that was intellectually disabled.

Audiences were used to the graphic nature of the franchise by the third and final release. As the least-controversial and least-enjoyable film according to critics, it barely made a dent in the horror community.

Good riddance, I guess?

#3 - Faces Of Death (1978)

I’m not sure I’d recommend this one per se - but I will give it credit for being an interesting project.

This documentary-style film is a montage of footage of people dying in different ways. As a result of its very graphic and very real content, it was banned and censored in many countries. Only in 2003 was it released on DVD in the UK after a scene was cut featuring dogs fighting and a monkey being beaten to death.

Germany, Australia, and New Zealand followed suit, reversing their bans and releasing edited versions.

However, 7 years after its release, the media revamped its interest in the film after a maths teacher showed it to his class at a Californian high school. Two of his students claimed they were so traumatised they received a costly settlement to reimburse their emotional distress. Things took a darker turn a year later, when a 14 year old bludgeoned a classmate to death with a baseball bat; he claimed he wanted to see what it would be like to actually kill someone after watching Faces of Death.

#2 - Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

This Italian film’s title alone hints towards two frightening things: flesh-eating humans and genocide. In this found-footage movie we see an anthropologist lead a rescue team into the Amazon rainforest to find a group of filmmakers that went missing.

The rampant graphic content including sexual assault and animal cruelty showcased in the film (7 animals were killed during filming in some pretty horrific ways) led to it being banned in 50 countries.

Some also alleged that a handful of deaths seen in the film were real, as were the missing film crew. In fact, the actors portraying the documentarians signed contracts that stopped them appearing in motion pictures for an entire year to maintain the illusion of reality.

And only 10 days after its premiere, the director was charged with obscenity and the film confiscated. All copies were to be turned over to the authorities. There are currently a range of versions that have been edited to varying degrees and are allowed for circulation.

#1 - A Serbian Film (2010)

No.

Nope.

Don’t do it. Don’t watch this film.

A Serbian Film follows a retired porn star who agrees to feature in an “art film” for some cash. Little does he know this film will include rape, incest, pedophilia, necrophilia…

Just don’t watch it.

It is still banned in South Korea, New Zealand, Australia. It is supposedly a parody of politically correct films made in Serbia that are funded by foreign groups and allegedly speaks openly about post-war society and the struggle for survival.

*shakes head*

Off to have a 3 hour shower, brb.

If you, uhhh, liked this post please like and reblog.

And if you want to hear more about horror and the supernatural every week hit follow!

[lunammoon]

The Problem With Hetalia (As told by someone who actually in the fandom until like, 2016)

I'm hoping this post will explain to people who are still into Hetalia why a lot of people have an issue with from the perspective of someone who knows a lot about the show. 

TL;DR: By making the WW2 axis powers come across as a lovable idiot, his serious friend, and the stoic voice of reason, it downplays the serious nature of what the Axis did and seeing as the real-life Axis harmed real-life people, many people have a justifiable huge issue with this. 

I will go more into depth about this under the cut.

A lot of people are talking about how Hetalia is coming back after 5 years and a lot of people are rightfully annoyed at the show. But what I'm seeing is that a lot of the people who are upset are people who clearly haven't watched the show and therefore are unable to explain to people who have watched it why it’s bad. The most that you hear is:

"it glorifies the Axis Powers" (which isn't 100% accurate although the assessment that they are portrayed in a way that makes them seem less bad is accurate) 

"Hetalia Cosplayers wore Nazi uniforms in front of a Holocaust memorial" (which I'd say is more of an issue with fans than the show). 

That is not to say that there isn't an issue with the show, because there really is. But these observations are unlikely to mean much to someone who watches Hetalia. So, in this thread, I'm going to explain why Hetalia is Problematic with the added context perspective of someone who was into the show during most of middle school and until Freshman year of high school. 

I knew the human names, used to jam to "Always With You" and "Pub and Go" and “It’ll Settle Itself Somehow” and “Light my Heart” and “Absolute British Gentleman” and “Mein Gott” and “World Rondo” and “Excuse Me, I’m Sorry” and so, so many more. 

I lost my shit with everyone else when the season 6 ep dropped and Italy danced like he was possessed by a demon. When I hear “ACE” family, I don’t think of Youtubers. I actually took a side on the FruUK vs UsUk debate and if you look in my archive, you can probably find some Hetalia posts that I’m too lazy to delete.

The point here being, I’ve actually seen the show so I know what I’m talking about. This isn’t an outsiders perspective is what I’m saying.

So, let’s get right into it. While technically only seasons 1-2 are officially actually called "Axis Powers" (Seasons 3-4 are called "World Series" Season 5 is "Beautiful World" and Season 6 is called "World Twinkle") WW2 and things relating to the Axis Powers are an important part of every season and appear prominently.

While Hetalia has covered many things from all different time periods, the two most common periods covered are the modern-day and of course, the second World War. The show is Japanese and (I assume) because Japan was on the Axis side, these portions focus more on the Axis Powers of Italy, Japan, and Germany. The Allies do come into play. And while the Allies aren't directly like, evil, which would've been FAR WORSE they've got a kind of Team Rocket-esque thing going on? They're not exactly mustache-twirling villains but they're clear antagonists. Make no mistakes.

I think the deserted Island arc is the best example of the problems many people have with the show.

Take for example, that beach fight. If you've watched Hetalia, you'll know the one I'm talking about. The one that they reused like, 50 times. The Allies are clearly shown as the antagonists/aggressors while the Axis are literally just vibing on a (kinda) deserted island and defending themselves. 

Now, if this was three dudes chilling on the beach and they suddenly got attacked by another five dudes also on the beach who they then fought off until the five attackers ran away that’s be one thing.

The issue is that this is supposed to be a representation of WW2. It's basically saying "oh, Nazi Germany, Imperial Japan, and Fascist Italy were literally just vibing, not bothering anyone when suddenly, the Allies attacked for no reason. Luckily, they (the Allies) retreated because the Allies are Cowardly but they keep coming back and bothering them,". Do you see the issue there? Most of the beach arc seems to be the writer forgetting that these are supposed to be Nations, not a random Italian dude, a German dude, and a Japanese dude.

“Oh, but they don’t glorify Nazi Germany. They don’t really even talk about what Germany was doing! Look at this pic of Germany in a lab coat holding a dandelion :)“

That’s not the defense that you think it is and it’s actually a main part of the issue that I, and many other people have with Hetalia.

I think the scene where this issue is the most obvious is the one where they are gathering around a campfire and talking and one of them comes up with the name "the Axis". The whole scene has the same energy characters in a moe anime coming up with a band name.

They’re sitting on a beach at night. I think there might’ve been a campfire, the stars are out, and the three of them talk about their dream of making a world that revolved around them. One of them comes up with the name “the axis” and then they all talk about how you would translate "axis" in their language. It’s all very found family-esque. The way the scene is framed is to encourage you to route for them to reach their goal. It’s the same kind of tone you’d see in a shoujo with a girl telling her friends about how she wants to win the singing competition no matter what or in Sword Art Online when Kirito talks about saving Asuna.

The issue is that their goal isn’t to win some competition or to save someone they care about. It’s to spread facism, imperialism, and bring about genocide.

There of course don’t SAY that that’s their goal, and outside of a one off line in the English dub that’s been since censored, they don’t really bring up what Germany was up to during WW2 vis-a-vie the Holocaust and if they did bring it up, I either wasn’t paying attention, it was in the manga, or it was in one of Germany’s character songs.

The issue is that during WW2 the show seems to at best forget and at worst, gloss over it that the main trio that they're focusing on are the villains. And not like, fantasy villains. Actual real-life villains that hurt real people in the real world. Imagine if instead of Ludwig Beilschmidt and Feliciano Vargas, it was Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini. 

Are you seeing the problem yet?

I get why people like to watch the show. Ignoring the WW2 bits, it’s actually pretty good. I, as an American, really like Alfred F. Jones and the way he’s portrayed.

If Hetalia had stuck to non-WW2 related things such as that episode where the nations all talk about how horror movies differ in their nations, or they talked about their Christmas traditions. Or the ones where America and Japan are roommates. Or when they showed that time when America airdropped XL condoms on Russia labeling them as "small" for intimidation reasons. Or that series of episodes where they talked about Micronations. Or that time they all had to come together to fight aliens. Or the bit where they talked about the WW1 Christmas Armistice. Then it would be fine.

The issue is that they didn’t.

If they kept WW2 stuff for SOME reason. They had two options. 

Make the axis as proper villains

 Be explicit in showing that the nations will doesn't reflect what their leader wants. 

The first option wouldn’t be ideal if they wanted to cover any time period other than World War 2. The axis would be too unlikable and I doubt that an anime where Japan is the villain would appeal much to Japanese audiences.

But what about the second option. Have a bit where Ludwig is passing out White Rose pamphlets or smuggling people to safety.

Have Kiku (Japan for people who don’t watch Hetalia) purposefully looking the other way as Sugihara writes visas to get people to safety and covering for him against his boss. SOMETHING!

But instead of doing either of those, they took the bad third option which was, their choice to instead make the axis seem like likable individuals who are a group of three good friends who work together will in contrast with the “bumbling Allies” who are barely cohesive and constantly fight and argue. At best, makes it seem like both sides had a point and at worst, makes it seem like the Axis was a better than the Allies.

All of this is to say that liking Hetalia does not make you inherently a bad person, but you need to be more critical of what you watch and understand that there is a reason that some people have a genuine issue with it and they have a very good reason for that. You can still watch it the show, but do keep this information in the back of your brain as you do

[twistedtummies2]

Christopher Lee: A Sinister Centenary - Opening Statement

On June 7th, 2015, cinema and the small screen alike lost a true legend: Sir Christopher Lee. Most well-known for his appearances in various Hammer Horror features between the late 50s and early 70s, as well as appearing in such impressive franchises as “The Lord of the Rings” and “Star Wars,” Christopher Lee was an absolute living myth of a man. A former member of the British Secret Service, a decorated soldier, a personal friend and family member of so many colorful figures it’s insane to contemplate…and, of course, a performer with an outstanding career that few actors, if any, have been able to live up to before or since. He appeared in more than 200 movies, and had almost as prolific a career on television, not to mention appearances in video games, reading for audio books, and so many other feats; working right up until his death, for roughly seventy years, he never once lost his power as a performer. Known for his deep, powerful voice and imposing, tall, somewhat wiry stature, Lee was most often known for playing villains or, at least, less-than-fully-heroic characters. However, with such a catalogue of work to choose from, his range was much more vast than many people I think give him credit for. He could play comical caricatures, serious and dangerous knaves, romantic heroes, and sagely advisors, among so many other things. These alone, and the sheer breadth of his career, are already good enough reasons for me to say that this man is and was quite possibly my favorite actor: it’s true, he was one of the people who inspired me most to study acting, myself. What I think I learned most from Christopher Lee – along with other performers I admire, most of whom are sadly gone now – is one simple philosophy: never – NEVER EVER – half-sell anything. There is nothing I find more irritating than actors – of any age or level of popularity – who will, if they don’t enjoy the part or the show in any way, decide to just run with the motions and simply “phone in” their performance. In my opinion, an actor should always attempt to have fun, or at least give it their all, no matter what the situation, for a simple reason: the audience. The bottom line is, no matter how small the audience may be, someone out there is watching what you do because they have decided to give you their time and attention, as well as, very frequently, their hard-earned cash. As actors, I have always felt it is our duty, in return, to give the audience the most we can grant them: as long as you are trying your hardest and having fun, they will, at the very least, find something admirable and hopefully enjoyable about that. Christopher Lee is a key example of this: Lee notoriously was very critical of a LOT of movies he was in, and given some of the work he did in the course of that massive, sprawling career, who can blame him? But no matter what he thought of the project as a whole, once the camera was focused his way, any judgment fell and the man just threw himself into it. As a result, many films have become classics arguably because of his singular presence in them, and even the ones that aren’t classics usually can gather some amount of interest simply because Christopher Lee appears in their frames. This month of May marks what would be the centenary of Christopher Lee: come the 27th of May, he would be 100 years old this year. So, in honor of this occasion, I’ve decided to compile a countdown of my Top 31 Favorite Christopher Lee Performances. Where are these performances coming from? EVERYWHERE. Movies, TV shows, audio recordings, music, video games, DVD special features, the list is bloody endless, and all of them have a reason for being picked. Now, with all the work Lee did in his lifetime, there’s no way I can even cover a decent fraction of his work, but hopefully this will cover some of the most impressive high points, as well as some more obscure appearances that I’m willing to bet a lot of you haven’t heard about. Tomorrow, as I always do, I shall list a selection of Honorable Mentions – an Excellent Eight that didn’t quite make the Top 31. Then, on May 1st, the countdown will begin in earnest. I hope you will all join me for this event I like to call…Christopher Lee: A Sinister Centenary!

[bisexualoftheblade-old]

how many wips do you have? like what are they all, and not the number of wips in a fandom? what are all the names?

okay. fuck you. fuck you so much. fuck you.

i’m putting this under a read more cut no one else deserves to see this shit. a lot of these are requests, and for those i will just write out the request itself

Shadowhunters:

domestic polycule fluff with tem, jessa, and will because im not a coward

Supernatural

- hehe hoho i request destiel hehehe

- request 61/? cai cai cai cai i need you to rewrite the destiel scene but yk. GOOD. not like i'm in the know about the spn fandom or anything, it's been years for me. but DO IT

Bright Sessions

- caleb/adam grisha AU

- mark bryant vs. united states aka sue the AM

- caleb/adam college fluff

Umbrella Acaademy

- request 31/? i want a ben and klaus drabble please spare me some brotherly bickering

- AND SO BEGINS NIGHT 4 with request 13/? oooh oooh can i get a raymond and allison playlist??? i think their vibes together would SLAP

- hi there night 2 is technically morning 3 but who's counting not me anyway request 5/? can i get a ben moodboard? gotta rep my tua bb

Percy Jackson

- request 9/? can i get a percabeth moodboard or quote edit?? like god they're the og couple goals take me back to high school cai

- For the 100 follower things :D Jercy getting caught in the rain

- request 29/? a drabble about literally anything to do with pjo. i’ll be happy with anyone and anything i’m love these children

- *somersaults in like I’m a real fancy acrobat* hello ello ello may I request some camp half blood chaos possible involving *does a flip* ✨side characters✨ <3

Penumbra Podcast 

- request 52/? drabble about the penumbra podcast. this is for ren bc ren likes it and i don't actually know anything about it. juno? i think? that's the one ren likes. write it for ren

- Tpp ghost hunting / buzzfeed unsolved au

- sad juno smut

- final resting place fic go brrrr

Marvel

- request 6/? i'm going to my roots y'all can i get a spider-man playlist? if not a playlist then i'd honestly be happy with literally anything involving spider-man

- request 15/? i'm going crazy this is recorded evidence of me actually losing it ANYWAY can i get a quote edit for something from iron man? literally anything that man says is gold so cai's choice :D he deserved better in endgame i'm still bitter

- request 42/? do another spidey thing that differs from the other spidey thing

- request 73/? you have Opinions. rant about infinity way and/or endgame. go.

- request 74/? quote edit for deadpool!!

- spideytorch relationship character study

- peter parker as a tired grad student monitoring the young avengers (send help)

Six of Crows

- okay listen i wasn't going to request anything bc i worry about you but also? if you want to/have the time hit me with a playlist for our girl nina zenik

- request 43/? fuckin give me the ending anya should have had. she is alive and with her new son and having a great time

- request 45/? inej moodboard?

- request 47/? will you make literally any meme of your choosing for six of crows?

- request 48/? write a drabble for kaz, my favorite bastard

- okay so i don't actually like nina or mattias that much but i still wanna hear about your thoughts (and also see if you'll change my mind)

- kaz brekker turning 18 fic. birthday party, everyone singing, whole shebang. i need it stat

- religious trauma fic aka i started shipping kaz/alina/inej and i can’t stop

- kaz trauma soup (he has D.I.D. and you can’t prove me wrong)

- my two redacted fics for @grishaversebigbang​

- wesper fake dating

- six of crows bright sessions crossover: everyone gets therapy

TMA

- uhh... s1 gang having a nice time? melanie getting to have some Pride™️? some "fun" horror thing?

- request 7/? spare steph and jason bonding? please sir? spare some for a humble child such as myself?

- okay so this was meant for night 3 but i had midterm shit SO this is honorary night 3 let's DO THIS request 8/? i want a moodboard of extremely out of context magnus archives shit like i mean confuse the FUCK out of me i don't go here i know Nothing about it

- request 11/? OKAY so i need tim stoker meeting tim drake now i need my timmy to meet your tim plus i want to see character differences no i'm not trying to create a tim stoker in my head so i can read a's fic while NOT thinking of tim drake whaaaaaat you're crazy

- request 18(i think)/? i need a quote edit of every time within the first like. 15 eps of tam where jon is like “sounds fake but go off” thank u bb

- request 40/? i challenge you to write a tma drabble based only on the episodes i've heard. i'm currently halfway through episode 23

- Jon being lovingly bullied into taking a break. I'm aware this has been written a million times but it is one of my favorite things.

- spiral!sasha AU

- extinction martin go brrrrr

- high school era timsasha. they've both been friends for years, and everyone always asks when they will be a couple. they decide to fake date, to prove everyone wrong and show what a bad couple they would be. turns out that's a bit trickier than they thought

- after sasha comes back, tim is broken. he can't let go, scared that if he looks away for even a minute he'll lose her again. sasha suggests shibari as a way for him to give up control

- sasha pov mag 19 au, sacrificing herself to save the others, knows that if she gives herself up to the not!them it will let the others live

- this is the "tim finds a polaroid of sasha" trope

- early archives days,, long nights in research,,, clothes sharing,, somft. late nights and falling asleep at their desks warm and safe in the other's presence

- two parts: timsasha as kids, each picking a constellation that is "theirs". just soft kid antics. tim at sasha's grave glancing up to see their constellations

- continuing your job’s a joke (you’re broke)

DC Comics

- TIMSTEPH HADESTOWN AU,,,

- my redacted fic for @batfam-big-bang​

- request for you to get a decent amount of sleep? serious answer, dickkori, SAL's Venus

- request 4/? timsteph morning after 👀 mayhaps?

- a concept: nonbinary stephanie brown

- teehee hi mom, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, but can i request damian angst for your accomplishments 100 followers?

- hi you can ignore my first request if you want, or you can ignore this one. but bls possibly write some bikini ra’s? -the bikini bitch

- request 27/? jay is asking through me for a jondami playlist but tbh i also want it so win win yk?

- "I don't know how to help you but I can help you find someone who does" with bruce and jason? im just craving bruce being a good day to jason for once

- “I am putting you in time out because you need to understand the consequences of your actions.” with steph and jason as dumbass disaster bi best friends pretty please?

- request 32/? timsteph patrol date!!!

- request 33/? timsteph *gala* date? mayhaps??

- request 37/? tim drake drabble but make it Edgy cai

- request 39/? drabble of a prank war between tim and damian

- joyfire cuddly fluff please? or like just any outlaw fluff if joyfire isnt your thing (feel free to add every member of the outlaws, dont feel like u gotta stick with jason, kori, roy i love them all)

- barbara and robin! jason fluff? bonding over books or something?

- request 62/? i need a drabble about the chaotic trio jason, tim, and steph i'm love them ty

- request 63/? batfam x mcu crossover. batfam meets ironfam. give me ALL the cliches. ALL OF THEM

- request 64/? young justice x young avengers - jay cuz idk SHIT about the young avengers

- request 66/? jondami moodboard pls and ty

- request 67/? timsteph moodboard!!!!!!

- request 69/? HEHEHE kinky 😏 i would v much like a timsteph drabble of the almost first time. does that make sense? like i don't want you to go all the way NSFW cuz i know that's against the rules and i'm a rule follower. but like they *almost* go all the way. this could be fade to black or some shit i don't care just make it a lil steamy and have Fun

- i request damian angst! all of it

- hmm... maybe i request? jondami?

- mayhaps,,,,some batfam,,,,,committing crimes? ily be gay do crime <3 - lu

- How about a ficlet with Steph and Cass?

Found Family Bingo Prompts

- no powers au

- tunnel

- first day

- join the club

- hurt/comfort

- experiment

- playing favorites

- hold on

- possession

- 10 o’clock

- singing

- road

- snitch

- curfew

- timer

- fantasy au

- zombie au

- dreams

- campfire

- are you okay

- movie night

- games

- scared

Miscellaneous

- a request: Write A Drabble, Coward

- is it too late to request a moodboard for me?

- request 20/? i’m going off book because i’m in a Chaotic Mood™️ can you just absolutely vibe check me like go off cai demolish me

- request 21/? i formally request that you pick a favorite cai. i don’t care what that favorite pertains to, just pick a favorite something

- request 23/? roast me

- request 24/? can i have a buzzfeed unsolved spoopy playlist but spoiler alert it’s not spoopy bc shane doesn’t believe does this make sense it has been a Day™️

- request 25/50 i want a jake and amy fic make it Soft cai i’m love them b99 is so good

- request 28/? i know nothing about the lord of the rings so make something that will confuse the shit out of me

- request 34/? malvie and jaylos moodboards 😈

- request 35/? a moodboard for the bbb mods!! perceive all of us!!!

- request 36/? moodboard for the tua mods too???? mayhaps??

- request 41/? doctor WHO? idk but i want a drabble of him and the one character i know from doctor who which is rose

- request 46/? make an alignment meme with our group, have fun!!!

- request 49/? i want you to kin assign me a character from every fandom you can/want to. go feral

- request 50!!!!/? this is a special request. the most special request. can you make a bastards tbh playlist? i want our vibes encapsulated. i want us in music form. i want to hear those songs and be like "that's me and cai" and smile.

- requests 51/? i know jack shit about good omens. explain it to me in the most confusing way possible. make me know less by the end than i know now

- request 53/? can you write a mel aesthetic? i'm Curious

- request 54/? give me a list of book recs cai i want some good book recs pls

- request 56/? edit a picture of US together too

- request 58/? oooh can i have a disney edit? like. hm. i just really love disney and i want anything to do with disney. like a quote or an aesthetic or an aesthetic edit i just want disney.

- request 59/? i would v much like a recipe for carbonara. i've never had it but it sounds fucking delicious

- request 60/? ooh hey can i get a makeup tutorial? i know you like makeup, i'm shit at doing makeup. teach me

- request 65/? i need the most emo playlist you can make that vibes with dear evan hansen thank you

- request 68/? i want a superwholock moodboard. this can be serious, with the actual fandoms in mind, or literally what the era felt like. the insanity. the horror.

- request 70/? ooh ooh ooh do you have a good bread recipe?? i wanna get that bread

- request 71/? i want a playlist with the vibes of summoning a demon. please don't ask questions. i don't have answers. and if i do, no i don't.

- For the requests, how about writing something based on a friend?

- request 75/? MMMM i want literally anything to do with natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812

- request 76/? i want some healthy recipes. help a girl out

- a feral bbb quote or two?

- you perceive my plant but now I dare thee to perceive mine own visage

- okay this is a two for one request. 1. you did the bee movie script so now we need a shrek two script edit 2. sleep please

- Pansexual mb for my lil queer soul?

- my (probably) final request is just for you to ramble about something, i don't really care what

- HI ILY CONGRATS AS WELL CAUSE IM LATE BUT CONGRATS. could i request a pirates of the caribbean (or just pirates) or whatever you what to do, free range.

- mood board for the beluga whales who got brought to the animal sanctuary in Iceland please?

- 100 follower request: Moodboard for my stuffed cow Oaky?

[hitchell-mope]

I’m thinking of a celebrity au for supergirl

Karamel. Highly successful triple threats. Actors. Singers. Models. Kara models Prada. Mon El models Ralph Lauren. Mon El is a stage name that he uses for his music career. His real name in this is Mike Matthews. Their niche is Shakespeare. They’ve won multiple awards for a cross cast musical production of Hamlet. It secured them an EGOT each. And now they’re working on a sci-fi epic film version of Romeo and Juliet.

James x Lucy. James used to be a highly serious dramatic actor but now he’s breaking into comedy. Luckily. Lucy’s a very caustic standup comic (think Don Rickles and Patton Oswalt). So they’re creating their own show together. They just need to convince the studio to let James play a wacky optimist

Samantha x Winn. Samantha’s a soap opera actress. Ten nominations. And only one consolation award. But that hasn’t stopped her from trying though. Winn’s a multitalented stage actor. Singer, actor, lyricist, choreographer, writer and director. In fact. His directorial debut was the Hamlet production that Kara and Mon El won awards for.

Brainia. Also Shakespearean actors. They once played Lysander and Hermia alongside Mon El and Kara as Demetrius and Helena in a midsummer night’s dream. It was actually how they all met. Now they’re starring in a big screen remake of cheers. With Nia as the fun loving barkeep and Brainy as the stuffy intellectual

J’onn x M’gann. J’onn used to be an actor. He even won an Oscar for his first film role. But a personal tragedy led him to retire and now he’s Kara and Mon El’s bodyguard. M’gann works at Grant Talent as a 50% shareholder and personally represents Samantha and Winn

Lord’n’Luthor. Lord is a washed up action star. His biggest claim to fame was a bit part as Nicholas Cage’s murder victim in a Z lost horror film ten years ago. Lena’s not that much luckier. She’s been kicked off every tv and film set she’s been a part of for absolutely ridiculous prima donna behaviour. And now she’s being sued by Eve Tessmacher for cultivating an unhealthy work environment

Lillian x Morgan. Lillian is a highly respected but extremely volatile soap opera actress playing Samantha meddling aunt. And she keeps trying and failing to use the goodwill she has to save her tearaway stepdaughters concrete headed career. Morgan plays her on again/off again ex husband on the soap. A relation that mirrors real life quite closely.

Cat. A former child actress. Now she’s one of the leading talent agents in the country. She personally represents Kara and Mon El. Would be the first to admit that she somewhat favours Kara more. But she’d cause a scandal just to protect either one of them from harm.

Carter. Prospective child actor. His most wanted role is either Salem in a Sabrina movie, Bart in a live action Simpsons movie or Ariel in the Tempest. And thanks to his his hard work. He’s just got his first role. The voice of the AI on the USS. Montague in Mon and Kara’s sci-fi epic version of Romeo and Juliet.

Ruby. A tad more experienced than Carter. Scared everyone shitless and brought them to tears as the manifestation of her mother’s split personality on the soap opera she stars in. She won a daytime Emmy. Her mother did not.

Alex. Used to be a stunt double until she fractured her ankle. Now she’s looking to break into acting. Her first role. Benvolio in karamel’s R&J sci-fi epic. She’s looking forward to something not too strenuous

Eliza. Alex and Kara’s mother. Famous in her own right. Terrified audiences across the world as Lady Macbeth in an early naughties miniseries. Which was immediately followed by an equally chilling turn as the eponymous character in a Hercules show from Hera’s point of view. Now headlines a medical series examining the politics of a hospitals administration department in the 1980’s. Although she’s also eyeing up a sabbatical so she can return to the stage as King Lear

[the-slut-in-the-sixth-sense]

For the ask, can you do 4, 6, 8, 11, 13, 14, 15, 17, 20, 23, 25, 26, 31, 33, 38, 40, 44, 49 and 50?

Is that a lot? Nah...I'm sorry, sending some virtual love your way

4: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Umm i'll say yes i guess?? i do believe in it moreover i'm neutral, not such a strong believer but yeah i guess it's true but do you??\

6: How old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? Who taught you?

umm i was most probably 5 or 6 not more than that,, my parents taught me but i was a fast learner so i learned riding it in a day hehe

8: What’s your favorite season?

it's spring and winter

11: What’s the last song you sang?

i'm singing wicked games by chris isaac rn lately i've been obsessed with it

13: What’s your favorite urban legend?

i don't have much idea about this but when i was in kindergarten there was this myth spreading in my school that bloody mary is alive and kids in my school were really freaked out lmao

14: What’s a bad habit that you have?

i've developed a really bad habit of procrastinating lately

15: What’s a strange habit that you have?

i've got a weird/strange habit of cracking my knuckles and it annoys people sometimes too lol

17: How would you describe your ‘type?’

i would describe my type as someone who is fun,irritable,a lil nerdy, can't tolerate stereotypical,homophobes,racist and hypocrite people (and apparently my country is majorly filled with them), someone who will listen to you endlessly(i'm a good listener yes) and sometimes can irritate u terribly but maybe make you smile too so yeah i guess that's something of my type and also someone who acts utterly dumb too sometimes

20: Do you want to get married someday?

hmphhh maybe??? idk---

23: What’s an embarrassing thing that happened this week?

okay so this happened on tumblr itself @/thsilverskull asked me "drop everything now" and apparently i didn't knew the lyrics and me being a complete and utter dumbass replied it with "DROPPED" so yeah that was too embarrassing but i'm laughing at that now lmao

25: Have you ever/do you liked someone you know you can never be with?

mhmm i have and i knew it but still i liked them

26: Do people often mispronounce your name?

OHH YES THEY DOOO

31: Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad?

YEPPP MANY A TIMES

33: Do you think you would make a good parent?

I don't really know cause i haven't thought about it yet but i guess i'll be a really cool parent(if i will be one lol)

38: When was the last time you cried and why?

it was day before yesterday, i cried twice firstly over someone whom i lost and then i was watching the kissing booth(it's a movie) in that i cried alot too!

40: Can you draw well?

ohh yes i can draw very well someday i'll make a post with some of my drawings if u wanna see them

44: Have you ever had a near-death experience?

noo i guess i haven't no, i mean i sometimes do huge mischiefs and then i feel like my parents are gonna kill me lol but not any serious one

49: State five facts about your appearance –

1. i have wavy short hair

2. i am average heighted,, 5'5 feet to be exact

3. i don't wear glasses

4. i have black hair

5. i've got brown eyes

50: State five facts about your personality –

1.i am a good speaker

2.i am studious(atleast i was)

3. i have got a good sense of humour i guess?

4. i am adventurous

5. i really freak out while watching horror movies i mean i just can't handle them

SENDING LOADS OF LOVE AND HUGE VIRTUAL HUGS RIGHT BACK ON YOUR WAYYYY!!<3333333

[monomonomagines]

October Prompt #20 Horror Movies with Yasuhiro

Slasher films to the average Joe are basically just a staple of the classic slasher movie trope that reigned supreme during the 50s up until the 90s. Stuff that every channel overplayed on TV as soon as October hit. It wasn’t really anything that struck you as much more than a seasonal fad but the same certainly couldn’t be said of Yasuhiro.

No, to Yasuhiro slashers were utterly terrifying no matter how ridiculous they could get. Whether it was Friday the 13th Part 2 with Jason just being some guy wearing a sack over his head or one of the more cheesy and silly types of movies like Killer Clowns from Outer Space he was going to be absolutely losing it next to you on the couch only to deny it every time you try to turn the damn thing off.

He could be so stubborn at times but at least it’s not like that came as a surprise anymore. After the first few “incidents” you’ll call it you were fully aware that he only watched those sorts of things with you to try to seem cool and tough so that you’ll cling onto him, though it normally turned out with him more so clinging onto you really.

That’s why it came off as no surprise as he insisted once again as soon as he heard that Halloween was on, insisting he’d be fine “for serious”. And as serious as he may have been you could only huff as you started on the popcorn waiting for him to be situated in the other room with a calm smile on his face. Even as you finished up and came into the room with a big bowl he seemed totally relaxed.

“Thanks a bunch for the popcorn, S/o!” He remarks lightly, grabbing a few and popping them into his mouth only to give you a big thumbs up as he lets out a laugh. “It tastes just as good as I predicted! I bet I’ll even make it through this movie scratch free!”

“Oh, will you now?” You quip, your tone seeming to be lost on him as he restates his thoughts.

“For sure! This is the one. I just know it!” He beams at you, grabbing the remote and starting the opening scenes. “And you know, if you wanna hold onto me I don’t mind!”

Humming a reply simply, you lean against him already prepared for the usual routine to play out again. The movie would start and he’d do fine, talking throughout most of the movie and eating most of the popcorn. Then he’d start asking you questions like, “Hey why do you think they did that?” or “is that one the bad guy?” And then, he’ll finally start getting scared, making a big scene and covering his eyes only to peek through his fingers most of the rest of the movie.

However, he seemed to be lasting quite a bit longer than you expected. That and he was pretty quiet actually. Now feeling a wave of concern rush over you look up at him only to find him dozing off.

“Hiro, are you-” Cutting yourself off and putting a hand to his head you sigh. “Hiro you’re sick.”

Only humming with eyes still closed, Hiro barely acknowledges you. Instead, finding this the time to snuggle closer to you.

“Hiro, get off. I need to get you into bed.”

Groaning as if annoyed Hiro lets out a huff in protest, whining like a child. “I don’t wanna. I’m comfy right here.”

Sighing you have to nearly wrestle him off of you just to drag him along to bed. Only feeling calm once he seemed to doze off again though you did catch him mumble a few words under his breath.

“I knew this would be the one.”

Nearly laughing at his ridiculousness you decide instead to plant a small kiss on his head and you could’ve sworn you saw him smile in his sleep afterwards.

“I love you, you goof.”

[gatherthesuspectspod]

A hundred ways to die in Wales

Hello Tumblr!

My first post ever here! I’m still learning the ropes, so please be kind!

This might be awfully presumptuous of me, but you may recognise the name from a few years back. Before all of this happened, I worked for BBC Radio 4 as their Welsh correspondent - a bit niche, I grant you, but I did alright on social media. I even had a blue tick on Twitter before it went down for good. 

At its peak, whatever media you worked in, scoops were delivered on social media. No one went to the radio or the newspapers for breaking news. Hell, even the TV news was struggling.  So, even radio journalists like me had to be twitter savvy, you know? 

It does make me wonder how Tumblr survived. As a journalist (well, former journalist) I should probably have done some research and found out…  

 My housemate, Jack, suggested I start to keep this blog so that he, in his exact words, ‘wouldn’t have to listen to me moan about not being a journalist anymore.’ So, here I am, coming to scream into the void that is the last social media platform standing (apart from LinkedIn… Shoulda known that even during the apocalypse, start-up CEO Chad Moneybags would still need to post motivational bullshit about 5 am starts and tagging every post with ‘#crushingit’)

Anyway, I’ve strayed slightly from the point… So, this blog isn't going to be full of hard-hitting investigative journalism or even those colourful local news stories you used to see about water skiing hamsters. It’s just going to be me, posting my thoughts about how much more screwed the world is than the previous week. 

Cheerful stuff, right? Well, as REM sang, ‘it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine’. And you know what, while fine might be stretching a bit, it could be worse...

Before it happened, when people thought about the end of the world, we always pictured some huge catastrophe. ‘The Hollywood Apocalypse,’ Jack calls it. You know the kind - people screaming in the streets as some unspeakable horror unfolds about them. 

In movies, the end of the world was always sudden, over in a flash,  with pockets of humanity left to pick up the pieces of a shattered world. Except, that’s not how it happened, not that we should be surprised, life rarely imitates the movies. 

In fact, it happened so slowly and contained so many individual strands that by the time it arrived, it took us even more by surprise - even the right-wing newspapers didn’t have time to come up with some ‘pithy’ name for it. I’ve always liked the term ‘tipping point,’ The point at which every one of those strands, however linked or disparate, tipped the scales so far against humanity, there was no turning back. 

I mean, we shouldn’t have been surprised. We had been warned, after all. For years (no, decades, even) scientists talked about how we were destroying the earth. From the changing climate to the destruction of entire ecosystems, all in the name of capitalism. 

People warned us it would lead to societal collapse. It wasn’t hard to see it coming, if you were paying attention. But, even if you were paying attention, the sheer magnitude of it was enough to cause even the strongest advocates some blind spots caused by existential terror. Like a Lovecraftian monster rising from the depths of the ocean, who could wrap their head around the true horror.  

Instead, we played out our little culture wars as the planet died… we elected people to distract and not solve… we lied and allowed ourselves to be lied to. Until, in the end, there were so many that no longer cared about the truth that finding a solution was never a possibility.   

The rise of ignorance led to the rise of populism, which led to the rise of fascism, and eventually isolationism. Each country, widowed and trapped in its own poky bachelor apartment of despair. With nothing but memories of past glories to keep it going while the world around slowly burns.

The thing about this kind of creeping apocalypse, this tipping point, is that there is a certain mundanity in it all. There are millions dead, but there was no Hollywood pre-credit sequence of terrified crowds running through Manhattan. 

This apocalypse had an absence of symbols - actually, no. That’s not quite right. I mean, we don’t have the statue of liberty drowning in sand while hyper-intelligent apes roam the planet, sure. But last week, the sea caught on fire… the fucking sea! You’d think after completely decimating the planet for a hundred years, some companies may have learned a lesson or two - like not setting dire to the fucking sea again!

And just today, the newspapers are full of pictures of yet another ghost town in West Wales slowly sinking into the sea. We have our symbols, alright. They are just smaller, more mundane than the Hollywood apocalypse we always felt we deserved - as a species, we are so arrogant that we feel even our extinction deserves something special, something showy. But, like I said, if you are paying attention, there are symbols to be found everywhere. 

Is our slow, boring apocalypse better than the ostentatious apocalypses of Tinseltown, complete with their big budget explosions and alien invasions? I’m honestly not sure. 

One part of me used to think that at least then it would be over quickly. This was a particularly comforting thought during the war, as English shells rained down on Cardiff. But, even the war fizzled slowly, bubbling away around the fringes, with neither country having the resources, will or money to mount any serious threat to the other. It turned out that not even the newly installed Albion dictatorship in England could get away with a costly hot war, while millions of its citizens starved to death. 

It sounds weird to say, but slowly you adjust to it. You know? Slowly, bit-by-bit, the fucking sea being on fire doesn’t seem such a big deal as it did a year ago. Slowly, bit-by-bit, you stop watching the news. You realise the images of starving children 50 miles away over the border have become the norm. 

You become desensitised to the food queues, the extreme swings in weather, the rapidly shrinking coastline. When was the last time you even saw a bee? It’s all just normal. But in spite of all of that, we still sit here, night after night, staring at our tiny plastic phones, reading the latest #crushingit update from that douchebag Chad, half hoping that there is still time for the aliens to show up and finish the job…

I realise that was quite a long run-on sentence, but it’s been a while. I’m out of practice. Like I said, it’s been three years since I last wrote, well, anything! I don’t know if anyone will even read this… I mean how many people can even access Tumblr anymore? But, Jack was right, it did help to get some stuff out.

Until next time (possibly), stay bored out there!

Kara

[gemmassong]

So uh. It’s 4:17am and I know literally no one cares but I just finished watching Bo Burnham’s new special and like, holy shit. I have some Feelings. And this is my fucking tumblr so unfortunately anyone who follows me can and will be subjected to those Feelings. Apologies in advance. I blame my high school English teacher for this, who I had for freshmen, junior, and senior year, because that cunt made as analyze and pick apart not just books but documentaries, movies, and other pieces of media to such an extreme degree I still blame her for a lot of my academic burnout and inability to really engage with my college courses because what was the fucking point. If I could write the best paper in the class and still not get a full score when my classmates with less well written shit did because I ‘wasn’t reaching my full potential or putting in as much effort as required’ why should I bother. 

Off topic. I’ll put the rest under a cut to be vaguely courteous because this is going to be a lot of semi-organized rambling that I’m putting here mostly so I can stare at it in baffled, disgusted horror at ~2pm tomorrow when I go back and reread it. And then decide not to delete it anyway because hey, I don’t delete anything because I enjoy tormenting myself years down the road.

I grew up with Bo Burnham, yeah? I knew all the lyrics to New Math when I was in middle school and you can bet your ass I understood like, four verses at the time I first started singing it. And I remember the vivid pleasure of going through high school and hating math because I suck at it (ayooo failed out of Calc senior year first semester~ (they weren’t called semesters in hs they were some quarterly thing but I don’t fucking remember the right term)) and the absolute joy realizing how one of those verses were clever was brought me. Like, every time I understood a new verse in New Math it made my entire day so much better. 

And then the summer after my first year of college I, for some fucking reason I cannot fathom now, 20 year old me thought it was a brilliant idea to decide to watch What. with my parents while we ate dinner. I had seen What. before. I knew what the contents entailed. I was apparently 100% down to watch him pretend to jack off on stage while eating taco salad in the living room with both of my parents who were so closed mouthed about sex that I got literally my entire sexual education from fanfiction. 

And then my cat had a seizure literally right before that scene so fate helped me escape that hell for some reason, and yes, Siren was fine after a very scary night.

But like. Still. What the fuck, 20 year old me. Why did you set yourself up for the mortifying experience of watching a comedian mime jacking off while sitting next to your mother. Why. 

So anyway. Bo Burnham was peripherally a part of my life for a very long time. I’ve always really liked him. I wish he had made more vines while vine was still a thing because the ‘is there anything better than pussy’ one still cracks me tf up. 

I saw a post here at some point about how the new special made someone feel like they’d just watched his suicide note. And I didn’t take it seriously, because yeah, Make Happy got kinda serious and stressful there at the end but like? 

Maaaaan am I glad I watched Inside though, despite being vaguely concerned. I totally get where that person was coming from. It does kinda feel like that. At the same time though, I just have this feeling that Inside is going to be important. 

Here’s where I finally get to the actual fucking point of the post.

Collectively, entertainment media is desperately trying right now to figure out how the hell to handle the pandemic. Ignore it? Pretend all media now exists in a universe where the shitstorm of 2020 didn’t exist? Most of the ones that I’ve seen have gone down what I consider the absolute worst route, which is of course terrible fucking writing that kind of? addresses the pandemic and shit that went down, but like, with clunky dialogue and really bad jokes. I’m mostly talking about the Roseanne spinoff/sequel/whatever the fuck it’s considered, of which I watched half an episode of and then silently begged my fiance to let us leave his mother’s house because she was laughing at it and it was genuinely, horrifically painful. This is why I don’t watch tv anymore. 

ANYWAY. He never mentions it. Not once. There are plenty of really relevant things discussed and pointed out and I think one? mention of the actual year 2020 but beyond that. Nothing. And I feel like Inside might be one of the most genuine, visceral, real pieces of media portraying the pandemic that we, as an American society anyway, are going to come away from this all with. At least everyone in my own admittedly piss poor social circles has spent like last ~year and a half doing that social media thing where the more you post about how well you’re doing and great it all is, the more miserable and bad off you really are.

(Yes, that is how I judge my ‘friends’’ relationships on facebook. The more pictures/posts/tagged shit/social media demonstrations of how ~amazing~ and ~in love~ and ~perfect~ everything is, the worse I assume the reality is.)

But Inside strikes as very, very real. And I just feel like 20 30 40 50 years from now, when we’re talking about the 2020 pandemic and how it shaped and shifted and effected and destroyed people and society, it’s going to be a very important piece of media. Because so far, anyway, it’s the first one I’ve seen where you can actually see it all go down. The absolute fucking breakdown so many of us went through. Dealing with worsening mental problems that had previously been getting better, lost progress, ruined plans and dreams and missed opportunities and everything else. 

It’s the first one that strikes as real, I guess. As not manufactured. Not tailored to portray the ‘correct’ message. Not diminishing or exaggerating anything but just... showing. Existing within the reality of the year. And not being apologetic or ashamed about it. 

I’m glad he actually went through with putting it out into the world. That probably took a whole lot to do, and I hope good things get to him for going through with it all. For completing it and giving it to the world. It was visceral and raw to watch and my piss poor attention span that needs 20+ tabs open at all times actually sat there and watched it, in full, all the way through in one go. Without pausing to read a fic, watch something else, check facebook or tumblr, answer a roleplay, or skim through omegle to see if anyone good was online. That’s like, unheard of these days.

I just. I dunno. There’s a lot there to breakdown. A part of me wants to do it, take the time and write the analysis and the breakdowns and pick out what I think the important bits are. But I hate doing that now and I’m sure the desire will be gone come afternoon-morning, along with all these weird feelings about it. 

This has gotten long enough and it’s 4:47 now, so half an hour of word vomiting into a tumblr post is probably too much. So I guess I’ll call it quits and maybe maybe not delete this when I wake up. Night, anyone who actually suffered through reading this mess.

[actualbird]

nobody (okay, well, 2 people DID ask, but it’s too late to change the title of this essay series now) asked but here are three main humor techniques i apply a lot in my fanfiction | a 2k word long post where i talk humor theory at you for entirely too long

I love humor. A good 75% of my personality is based primarily on whether or not it would be funny and thus, the study and application of comedy is something of a very big huge large interest of mine. I love watching standup comedy, I love telling jokes, but most of all, I love literature that makes me laugh. 

I write humor, and I put a lot of thought into it, and here, I will do the least funny thing ever: I will over-explain my jokes.

Before we do that, we must set some ground rules first. What is humor? Well, in Humor: Its Origin and Development, Paul McGhee contends that no single theory could encapsulate the entirety of humor. Additionally, according to McGhee, humor does not physically exist. It is, instead, a perception brought about by certain scenarios with certain characteristics. What we can take away from here is that first, humor is vast, and there are many ways to both explain it and achieve it, and second, that humor is something caused by certain other things. 

I do not claim to be an expert in humor, just an enthusiast, so what I will not be giving a cheat code to humorous writing. I will, instead, share three techniques that I frequently use and explain how they work.

The three techniques are the following:

INCONGRUENCY: Things that don’t fit.

SLAPSTICK: I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

CHEKOV’S GAG: If the gun is there, it better be funny.

My examples for each of these techniques will come from various sources of media. My examples of my own writing will all be coming from the most recent fanfic I have written, my Polygon Cyberpunk Red high school au “teenagers scare the living shit out of me.” Examples will sometimes have overlap in the technique they utilize, but I’ll try my best to keep everything clear on what exactly I’m trying to explain.

Without further ado, let’s jump right into it!

INCONGRUENCY: Things that don’t fit.

Göran Nerhardt, in McGhee’s book, states that “Humor is seen as a consequence of the discrepancy between two mental representations, one of which is an expectation and the other is some idea or percept.” Nerhardt’s definition of humor is one that relies on incongruity: wherein there is an element that is not in accordance with the other elements. An incongruous element is one that is not the expectation, and in this subversion of expectation, humor is achieved. 

In simpler terms, a congruent situation would be “A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.” An incongruent situation would “A man walks into a bar. ‘Ow!’ He says.” 

In the first example, everything is as expected, and in the second, the word “bar” has the characteristic of being a homophone, a word with different definitions. The second example takes advantage of the other definition of the word “bar”, that is to say a metal tube object, and thus the reaction of the man. 

Incongruency plays on the unexpected, the out of place, and the odd. This technique in particular I learned from writers like Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett. They use incongruence, they use it A LOT but what I want to talk about is, first, its use as a descriptor. 

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.” -Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“In a distant forest a wolf howled, felt embarrassed when no one joined in, and stopped.” -Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

Description is a fertile ground for humor. You have a thing, there are expectations to how that thing will appear or act, and then you describe it in a way that’s unexpected. I pull this trick off in so many fics, but here is an example from chapter 4 of the high school au.

Mr. Hypo sits at the desk in front of the classroom, staring all three of them down. Vang0, Dasha, and Burger are seated in the stupid circle again, looking at Robbie as it powers up like a man with gout.

Incongruency here is Robbie, the animatronic. Expectation is that it will be described in a robot like manner. Reality is that I describe it having the same condition that occasionally ails my nearly 50 year old father. 

Aside from description, incongruence is also something I play around with in the events of situations themselves. The most clear example I can give is this scene, from chapter 6, is this:

Burger picks up the closest thing.

That thing happens to be Peter.

“Peter!” Burger looks at Peter in the eye as Edmundton picks up a chair and starts menacingly walking towards Burger. He says, very quickly “Do you consent to be used as a self defense projectile!?”

Peter, pigeonly, nods.

“Thank youuuuuuuu!” Burger yells as he throws Peter at Edmundton’s face.

The context of this scene is that Burger has just entered active combat. Combat is serious. Combat is deadly. Combat is hitting and getting hurt. So what’s something unexpected you can do in this situation to make it funny? Have Burger ask a pigeon if it’s alright with being thrown at an enemy, and then make Burger actually throw the pigeon at the enemy. 

Incongruence is something that is present in a lot of humor situations and it’s very, very fun to play around with. Messing around with incongruence makes you think about what is expected in writing and forces you to think outside of the box in a manner that will elicit laughter.

Let’s move on to our next topic now!

SLAPSTICK: I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

Kevin Casper in his article I’m so glad you’re fake! describes slapstick comedy as a physical type of humor wherein actions are done in an excessive, ridiculous, and sometimes violent manner. Slapstick is Mr. Bean exploding a can of paint to paint his apartment. Slapstick is Courage the Cowardly Dog’s eyes popping out of his sockets when he sees something scary. Slapstick is the ending of Polygon’s video on Slapstick and Doom Eternal (a very good video about slapstick and horror violence) where Pat Gill gets hit in the face with a tube of paper. 

The excessiveness of slapstick creates a non-reality for viewers to enjoy in safety. It is a type of humor that revels in the suspension of reality, but more than that, it is a type of humor that you particularly gain enjoyment from because of the fact that it’s not happening to YOU.

Now, I use slapstick comedy sometimes, but I deviate from excessiveness and instead lean more into that last thing I said. I write situations that are funny and that you also don’t want to ever happen to you as a person. One example of “fuck, that’s hilarious, but I hope it never happens to me” is the following scene from Spiderman: Into The Spider Verse, where Miles Morales, invisible, has to find information on Doctor Octavia’s computer. When he accesses the computer, he is met with this.

You don’t want this to happen to you. But damn is it hilarious that it’s happening to somebody else.

When I am creating scenes that I want to be funny, I think about whether or not it would be funnier if I made it excruciating for the characters involved. So excruciating that you really, really, wouldn’t want to be in that situation. An example of this technique in play is from chapter 4 of the high school au, where the gang are in a room they shouldn’t be in, somebody is about to come in and stop them, and they are all at the mercy of a program slowly, slowly uploading.

 “Hey!” The somebody outside says, jangling the doorknob more violently. “Club time is over, nobody should be in this room!”

“Vang0, how long until the program is done?” Dasha hisses.

“43% Uploaded,” Vang0 says, panicked.

“Hurry.”

“I can’t make technology be faster.”

“Who’s in there!” The person outside yells.

“Should I answer?” Burger asks.

“Do not answer.” Dasha says.

Burger nods. “I’m gonna answer.”

“BURGER—”

“WE’RE JUST A COUPLE OF NOT FRIENDS. JUST LOOKING AROUND.”

“Who are you!” The person outside yells.

“Do not answer, Burger,” Dasha says, sounding like this conversation is actively shaving years off of her lifespan.

“But he’s asking,” Burger looks at Dasha then at the door then at Dasha again, looking very nervous.

“Just lie then,” Dasha tells Burger.

“Gotcha,” Burger nods, determined, and turns to the door to yell. “I’M NOT BURGER CHAINZ.”

“Oh my god,” Dasha thunks her head onto Vang0’s shoulder. “Is it done loading, yet?”

“98% Uploaded,” Vang0 says, feeling his blood pressure in a way he’s never felt before.

I make this situation worse for the characters by making Burger completely fail at being stealthy. As one reader told me about this chapter “I love Burger, but if I were in that room, I would strangle him.” Exactly! It’s not a situation you’d ever want to be in! 

But the characters are in it and you get to enjoy their suffering from a safe vantage point as a reader. 

Slapstick comedy is all about making situations outrageous and ridiculous and something readers wouldn’t want to legitimately experience. It’s about tapping into your audience’s mind and wondering what they want to see but not want to go through.

And last but not least!

CHEKOV’S GAG: If the gun is there, it better be funny

The principle of Chekov’s Gun is a principle that emphasizes that objects in a story should have a use. According to Bill in Chekhov: The Silent Voice of Freedom, Chekov says “If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there.” 

Chekov’s Gag is that same rule, but instead of the gun going off, the gun better be fucking hilarious at some point. 

The first example I can think of is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. In the beginning of the movie, King Arthur stops by a castle and asks the guards to tell their master that he is here. This exchange happens:

Now, this, on its own, is already hilarious. It plays on incongruence (guards being very enthusiastic about bird’s holding coconuts and the logistics of that), slapstick (if you were Arthur and you wanted to have a simple conversation, people suddenly talking about birds and ignoring you is not a situation you want to be in), but what about Chekov’s Gag?

To become Chekov’s Gag, this situation must be brought up again in a funny manner later in the movie.

And so it does.

An hour later in the movie, The Knights of Camelot are at the Bridge of Death. There, they have to answer 3 questions correctly. If they do not have an answer, they are shot into a deadly cavern of doom.

King Arthur steps up to answer his 3 questions. Here is what happens:

The African swallow or the European swallow has achieved Chekov’s Gag-age.

Chekov’s Gag is something I’ve only started doing recently, in fanfiction. An example of this in the high school au is that, in the first chapter, I introduce two things. 1) Peter, an overfed pigeon, and 2) Robbie the RoboDog, an animatronic of the school.

Throughout the fic, I don’t forget about Peter or Robbie. I bring them up again and again and I make sure to make their presence not just integral to the winning of the final boss battle in chapter 6, but I make their presence funny.

Chekov’s Gag is a new trick I’ve started doing, and it definitely requires foresight and planning. It makes you think long term but at the same time forces you to think about the things you already have present in your story and make you re-evaluate just how else they could be used. If done correctly, the effect is hilarity, but also deep, deep satisfaction.

So there we have it! Three humor techniques that I use in my fanfiction. Shit that doesn’t make sense, shit you don’t want happening to you, and shit that you saw a while ago which you’ll see again later and when you do, it’ll be awesome.

Thanks for reading!