#more holiday whimsy

[hangmanbradshaw]

santa, can't you hear me? on ao3 (now complete)

Jake Seresin didn't want to live the lyrics of Last Christmas, but in the aftermath of a breakup, he finds himself meeting someone different, someone maybe even special, in the form of a reporter sent to do a profile on him. Bradley Bradshaw wasn't what he expected, but maybe that's a good thing. The rest, well, he can honestly say he never saw it coming.

Chap 1: The Assignment

Chap 2: The North Pole

Chap 3: The Claus

[wibben]

Pocky Day

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“Nanami! Check it out!”

The seasons had shifted almost without notice, and here you were, wrapped in the early chill of November, wrestling with your plastic convenience store bags and the loose sleeves of a coat that was not your own. The holidays were near; work was easing up, and curses seemed to fade with the colder air, which meant more free time. And you had resolved to spend it cracking the nut that was Nanami Kento.

Could you call him a friend now? Probably, you thought, if friendship included routine cups of coffee that tasted exactly as you liked, courtesy of him memorizing your order, and favorite sandwiches he only accepted from you because “the shop near your apartment makes them best.” The small gestures stacked up, predictable and warm.

As the two of you strolled down the Tokyo streets you stopped, shuffling crinkling bags with blunt mittened hands, delving into the pockets where you stashed your prize – aha!

You held up the carton between you, grinning through a nose gone red from the chill. “Did you know it’s Pocky Day?”

Cute, Kento thought, immediately charmed by the small, proud smile you wore. He shifted his glasses up his nose, a well-practiced excuse for a moment’s reprieve, hoping the sudden warmth in his face would pass.

“Is that a holiday?” he asked, careful to keep his voice steady as he looked down at the snack pack offered in your hand.

“Sort of,” you replied, your smile widening. “It’s today – eleven-eleven, you know? Looks like the sticks.”

He reached for the box, if only to indulge in the blanketing contentment of his fingertips brushing over the wool of your mittens. The softness of it, the small closeness, was something he never quite allowed himself to savor – yet there you were, none the wiser to his plight.

“Hm. I see.” He raised an eyebrow. “Sounds like another capitalist holiday to me.”

“No no, this ones different! They’re cheap today and it’s fun—”

“Yes, cheap. To make you buy it. Like every other capitalist holiday.”

You shot him a look, glaring padded daggers into the back of his blonde head and hurried to catch up as he started walking again, huffing dramatically. “You’re no fun sometimes. Where’s your whimsy?”

Kento’s smile softened as he turned away, letting himself indulge for a second in the fondness that always crept up around you. Very cute, he thought again, and not for the first time. He tore open the cardboard carton with a deft press of his thumb against the perforation and peeled open the foil pack inside, passing it sidelong back to you to accept into your uselessly mitted palms.

You shuffled the box, jostling a single stick upward to pluck out with your teeth, then held the box out to him with a silent offer and a toothy smile. Kento accepted one with a quiet nod.

He twizzled the chocolate-free end between his thumb and forefinger, taking small contemplative bites as you both walked.

“There’s supposed to be a thing you do with it, too,” you said after a pause, feeling stinging warmth creep up to your cheeks. “Like… you know. With a pocky stick. People eat it from both ends.”

You kept your tone light, as casual as you could, but your heart was louder in your ears than you’d like, beating with all the wild things you wanted but couldn’t bring yourself to ask for as you tested the waters. God you wish he would bite. How might his breath feel, warm and humid, on your chilly and frost-nipped face? Watching those eyes that always looked so sharp get closer and closer to your own, watching them soften, feeling the snap of the pocky stick as it broke bit by bit into his mouth until his lips met yours—

Kento’s eyebrow quirked just so, his gaze flicking from the pocky in his hand to you. You can’t just say things like that, he bemoaned, feeling your words strike sharp and deep. Because if he had it his way, he’d stop you, right here on the sidewalk, reel you in close until he could feel the warmth of your breath mingling with his. He’d cradle your chilled face between his palms, brush away that tempting smear of chocolate on the corner of your mouth with his thumb – and then, finally, he’d kiss you, no hesitation, no half-measures, just the taste of you against his lips, snack be damned as he’d been tempted to do for months.

And for a moment he considered it. He considered it, because when the silence stretched and he looked at you just a little too long you turned to look at him too. 

Too obvious, you internally wailed.

She didn’t mean it like that, he doused himself.

And so Kento shrugged, keeping his response as carefully noncommittal as he always did. “What an inefficient way to share.” 

He wanted to smack himself.

Your heart dipped a little at the careful, too-neutral tone in his voice. “Right. Silly,” you said, laughing it off, but your voice was a shade softer than it had been.

And as if some twist of fate wanted to rub salt in the wound, a couple ambled past, laughing as they attempted that very thing. They were awkward, leaning in close in the fogging vapor of their cloudy breath, their laughter bubbling and sweet as the shared pocky stick disappeared between their lips. 

Your own heart stuttered. You watched them until it felt too voyeuristic to continue, feeling the cold air bite a little harder as you snuck a glance at Kento. His face was unreadable, focused on the path ahead.

The rest of the walk, neither of you brought it up again, and the box was shared between you until it was empty.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Another year came and went, swallowed in the rush of work and curses and routines until you’d all but forgotten about Pocky Day – what was the use, anyway? It was a capitalist holiday, as Kento would say. Something trivial and best left unthought of until it came around again. 

So you were taken by surprise to find Kento standing beside your desk that morning, silhouetted in soft strokes of pale yellows and baby blue. He was neat as ever, his coat perfectly buttoned, and as ever, the sight of him sparked something traitorous in the dying twitch in your chest.

You considered your shot to have been well and truly fired – and that was okay. Friendship was fine; you could live with it. You told yourself this every time you had to tame the excited pitter patter of your heart whenever you saw him.

“You’re early today,” you said, surprised but smiling. “You didn’t have to—”

“It’s Pocky Day,” he said simply, holding up a red box as if it was simply a matter of fact, just like picking up coffee… which also sat steaming on the edge of your desk.

“Oh.”

You blinked, caught off guard by the sudden rush of butterflies that exploded in your belly. It doesn’t mean anything, you tempered yourself. “Right! I ah – I forgot! So, I guess… we’re doing this again?”

Kento rumbled and stepped across the room to you when you failed to move closer, offering the box to you as you had once offered it to him. “I thought it might be a nice tradition.”

You took the box from him, fingers brushing without the barrier of gloves, and you felt your soul tremble like the fragile leaves that still stubbornly clung to the trees just outside the large office window. 

You struggled to open the box, sucking in a breath from between your teeth to steady the unfortunate shaking of your fingers. There was an odd intensity to his silence, the way he stared at the box in your hands waiting for you to open it. You felt oddly pressured, and the enormity of the relief you felt from such a diminutive victory when you finally peeled it open was almost enough to shake you to your knees.

Your pulse ratcheted an uneven staccato as you drew out a single stick, offering it to him. “Kento.”

Instead of taking it, he hesitated, his gaze lingering on yours with a weight that made your chest feel heavy. And then, he bowed forward, his eyes never leaving yours, lips parting around the end of the pocky stick in a single, deliberate motion and reeled back with it pinched between his teeth. There was a quiet challenge in the lift of his brow, something vulnerable and daring woven together; an invitation and a question laid bare in his expression, highlighted and punctuated by the slow bleed of red blooming over high cheekbones.

Your pulse roared in your ears, catching you frozen. All you could do was stare, and in that pause, his confidence flickered, just for a second, his steady breaths growing slightly shallower as his eyes flicked between yours. That flutter of panic at his own boldness, like he might’ve misjudged this completely, tightened something inside you, and you couldn’t have that.

Slowly, you leaned in, feeling his breath feather warmly against your cheek. You bit the stick delicately, feeling the faint returning snap of it from the other end. Kento moved closer in response, eyes locked on yours, his gaze unreadable but unmistakably intent, filling you with a fire that licked at your spine. His lips were so close – close enough that you felt every small shift, every inch he dared forward, the space between you shrinking in this mutual game of chicken that neither of you intended to bow from.

You bit again, your noses brushing, hearts racing in the quiet with a fluttering synchronicity that left you dizzy. And then, in the last breath of chocolate between you, his lips met yours, as soft and hesitant as the very first touch of spring. 

For a stunned second, it was pure disbelief: you were kissing Kento. He kissed you. Every ounce of longing and every secret glance you’d ever thieved was suddenly, incredibly, impossibly real, and that realization burst inside you with a giddiness that made your atoms buzz.

The taste of chocolate and mint mingled with something undeniably him, a warmth so complete you felt it seep into your bones. The world outside of your bubble paused, cradling the two of you in a moment that felt so obviously inevitable yet so fragile, like any sudden movement might shatter it. 

You were caught in this vacuum of your own creation. Your eyes fluttered open, unsure whether to savor the kiss fully or to steal glances at him, afraid to miss a single, precious detail. You felt the faintest brush of his eyelashes against your cheek, his breathing soft against your skin. The closeness was overwhelming, yet you hesitated to give in entirely, your lashes fluttered with uncertainty against his cheekbone. You would pull away when he did, because oh, what if somehow you were misreading this? What if you embarrass yourself by lingering too long, what if it’s a misunderstanding, what if, what if, what if—

But Kento felt it too. Not letting you drift into uncertainty, his hand came up, fingers warm as they cradled the back of your head, steadying you as he tilted you just a little closer. The moment didn’t end with the last snap of the pocky, nor with the chocolate gone from both of your lips. His kiss deepened – until it broke. And his eyes opened enough to meet yours as he dipped down for a second time, this time without pretense or excuse – he kissed you because he wanted to and he always did.

Each press of his lips was steady, adoring. He kissed you with the tenderness of someone who wanted to remember every part of this and wanted you to remember it just the same; who wanted to remember the exact shade of your blush, the soft, delighted sigh he felt more than he heard, the way your fingers curled reflexively at his shirt collar as you allowed him to melt every last inch of you.

When he finally pulled away, it was slow, his forehead resting gently against yours as his thumb traced small, bashful circles at the base of your neck. A soothing gesture, whether meant for you or for him it hardly mattered, because you’re both left equally dazed. And the look in his eyes, warm and unguarded, told you he was no more ready to pull away than you were.

After a long moment Kento let out a soft, almost reluctant chuckle, his lips twitching upward in a devastatingly cute way with how the expression shook. He glanced down at the box of pocky hanging limp in his free hand, having been completely forgotten. “There’s… still more in the box,” he said, hushed, like he’s hesitant to push his luck any further than he felt he already had.

Your chest gave a hopeless little squeeze, a nervous giggle of your own bubbling from your throat. “Oh, really?” you teased, your lips curling into a shy smile. “Should we finish it?”

He gave you that look again, the one that always made you swoon – something warm and appreciative, and now you can see it much more clearly: bursting with promise. He raised the box again and offered it to you quietly, “It would be a shame to waste it, I think.”

[youwouldntdownloadapizza]

The Pleasures of The Unknown | Kate Middleton x The Unknown (Glasgow Wonka Experience 2024)

masterlist | ao3 | follow @youwouldntdownloadapizza and turn on notifications for updates

When Kate Middleton mistakenly ends up at a magical chocolate factory in Glasgow, she finds herself drawn to a mysterious cloaked figure with a penchant for dark chocolate.

pairing: Kate Middleton x The Unknown (Glasgow Wonka 2024)

rating: 18+, minors DNI

word count: 1.2k

tags: crack, crack treated seriously, crack fic, smut, mild smut, finger sucking, chocolate, sex and chocolate, light BDSM, choking, thigh riding, rpf, bald harry styles, balddry, infidelity, glasgow, willy wonka experience - freeform, glasgow willy wonka - freeform, Balmoral, british royal family, unhinged innuendo

chapter warnings: smut, infidelity

Kate Middleton stared at her bangs in the Buckingham Palace bathroom mirror.

"I can't go out like this," she complained to William. "The Sun will rip me a new one!"

"Kate, my dear," he kissed her on the cheek, turning to lean against the counter. She continued tugging at her botched fringe until he took her hand. "It's just hair. It'll grow back."

"That's rich, coming from you."

William looked down at his royal bunny slippers with a frown. Even they had more hair than he did. Perhaps he should have them fashioned into a wig. He'd have to ask his frenemy, Harry Styles, for wigmaker recommendations.

"I don't know what to do." Kate looked up at her husband with tears in her eyes. He wiped them away with his royal hanky.

"I do," he smiled. Sliding his hand into his back pocket, he produced the royal AmEx.

"Take a holiday, Kate. Go to Balmoral or Hollyrood for a few weeks. Grow them out. Maybe even get that BBL you've been talking about getting. Scotland is a great place to recover from surgery. What with all the free healthcare and all, innit?" he said Britishly.

"You're so right, William. I'll leave first thing tomorrow."

---

Kate double-checked the address her husband had given her as she stepped out of her royal Uber Black.

"This can't be the right place. Balmoral was never this colorful!"

The cabbie rolled down his window. "Don't worry, ma'am, this is Willy's place! Be quick and get inside, it's looking like rain."

With a soft 'innit', the driver pulled away, and Kate was left on Willy's doorstep.

She assumed 'Willy' was short for her husband 'William', but as she entered the foyer, she began to have her doubts. The place appeared to be some sort of magical chocolate factory.

Although sparsely decorated, the place maintained some air of whimsy. Well, less of an air, more of a spritz, but clamato, clamato.

"Soo la voo," Kate shrugged, walking beneath the sparkly, styrofoam rainbow and towards whatever fate awaited her here.

"Ahh, more guests! Welcome!" A depressed-looking woman in a green wig approached her.

"Here, compliments of Willy," she said, sliding a plastic cup containing a splash of what appeared to be sparkling lemonade into Kate's left hand. Into her right went a single jelly bean.

"What is this?" Kate asked.

"Our welcome gift to you! And only $40, such a deal."

Kate supposed $40 was a fair price for such splendor. After all, if bananas were $10, this was surely worth four times that. She popped the jelly bean and washed it down with the lemonade.

"Carry on down the hallway. Your future awaits."

Kate left her luggage and her empty cup with the so-called Oompa Loompa and proceeded down the bare linoleum hallway. That uncanny-valley candy landscape tapestry really ties the place together, she mused.

A voice greeted her at the end of the hall.

"What. Is. That?" A blonde man in a red top hat and coattails pointed towards an unassuming mirror.

Why, that's me! Kate Middleton! Kate Middleton thought to herself.

Kate nearly leaped out of her skin when the creature emerged from behind the looking glass.

"It's...THE UNKNOWN!!"

That's when Kate fainted.

When she awoke, her head was spinning. "Where am I?" She asked to the blackness that surrounded her.

A deep voice answered her. "You're in the walls. This is my home. My own dark chocolate factory."

"Your what?" Kate asked.

As her eyes adjusted, she realized she was in a small bedroom combined with a confectionary workspace, almost a studio apartment of sorts.

"My dark chocolate factory. You see, Willy Wonka seeks only to pump this world full of river-churned, high-fructose, milky delicious bullshit. What I aim to create is something far more sophisticated. Far more complex. And far, far darker."

"Oh? Might I try some?"

"Why of course," the silver-masked, black-hooded creature pulled back its sleeve to reveal long, nimble fingers.

He crossed to his chocolate worktable and dipped his index and middle fingers into a whirring chocolate fountain. The creature stalked towards her, extending the sample.

Kate leaned towards him, but froze. "Before I suck on your fingers, I should probably know your name."

The creature angled his head, as if considering her. "I have no name. I am only...The Unknown."

Kate's heart raced in her chest. That chocolate, those fingers, it all looked simply divine. And if William could be unfaithful, why couldn't she do the same? She deserved it, just this once. As a treat.

She opened her mouth, and The Unknown slid his fingers past her lips. She sucked deeply, the flavor sliding across her tongue and down her throat, the complex flavor and intensity of the delivery method sending shivers down her spine.

"Are you cold?" He asked.

"A bit," Kate admitted.

"Well then," she could hear the smirk in his voice even if she couldn't see it on his face. "Perhaps I'll have to warm you up myself."

Kate bit her lip. "Would you...put your willy? In my chocolate factory?"

His fingers closed around her throat. She drew a sharp breath.

She could feel his breath as he whispered in her ear, "Forget willies. Forget chocolate factories. Allow yourself to submit, to embrace the pleasures of The Unknown."

Kate let out a shuddering breath as she gazed up at that shiny mask. She didn't know what lurked behind it. She didn't care.

She kissed him then, the plastic of his mask hard against her soft lips. And then she was sprawled on the bed, his knee between her legs, and she was grinding against him.

"Oh, The Unknown!" She moaned.

"Please, there's no need for formality. Call me The."

So Kate did. She sounded like the gilded first word of a sponge's term paper as she wailed his name over and over again, into the dark stillness of this secret room behind the walls.

"I'm close," Kate moaned.

"Good girl."

He leaned down to kiss at her neck. The rough edges of the cheap mask scratched at her sensitive skin, but she didn't care. She was lost in the pleasures of The Unknown.

It was the hair that brought her to the edge, something her husband could never give her. The chemical scent of his cheap, black wig filled her nostrils as she rode his thigh, dangling there on the precipice.

"Ohh!" Kate screamed as she came, her thighs shaking with pleasure as she clenched around nothing.

A low, satisfied chuckle rumbled at her throat, and she swooned. After all these years of marriage, William had never rocked her world like this masked stranger just had. As they lay there together, she slipped into the chocolatey darkness of slumber, utterly content.

---

When Kate returned home, butt bigger and bangs longer, William had wanted to hear about her experience in Scotland.

"What was your favorite part?" He asked.

"I learned a lot about myself on this trip," she told him. "But the most valuable lesson was in learning to embrace the pleasures of the unknown."

"See, a little uncertainty is good sometimes!" He teased, tugging on her much-improved bangs before giving her a soft kiss.

"Mm," he smacked his lips. "Tastes like chocolate."

[kingofbodyrolls]

Christmas at Lissa’s 🎁

🎄✨ I’m back, my wonderful friends! And what better way to celebrate the season of giving than to share an early gift with you—or rather, a shimmering glimpse of your Christmas surprise, lovingly wrapped from me to you. 🎁✨

The air is crisp with holiday magic, and you know how much I cherish spreading joy, warmth, and cheer. So, as the twinkle of inspiration found its way back into my heart, I knew I had to craft something special—something that whispers the enchantment of the Christmas stories I’ve cherished for years. This year, I’m delighted to present my own little Christmas event, a celebration of tales both familiar and new.

Within this holiday collection, you’ll find a mix of cozy extras from beloved stories and fresh adventures that glitter with festive wonder. And for even more holiday delight, I’m also hosting a Christmas Rec Event (Lissa’s 25 Days of Christmas) + (Bangtan Christmas), brimming with treasures to share.

So come along, dear friends, and let’s make this holiday season unforgettable. Together, we’ll unwrap the magic of stories, sharing laughter, love, and joy with every page. 💜✨ 

Let’s read, dream, and sprinkle the world with holiday cheer!

Since today is my birthday, I wanted to give you this little present, even though I still need to finish writing the last story (but it’s like ¼ done 🤭).

🎄Doughn’t Go Baking My Heart // Seokjin // enemies to lovers + romance // 16.4k 🎁 This Christmas season, you’re back in the kitchen, whisk in hand and determination in your heart, entering the annual holiday baking competition once again. The goal? Finally beat your long-time rival, the infuriatingly talented Kim Seokjin. But as the ovens warm and the ingredients come together, you realize it might not be just the doughs rising this year… Will the holiday spirit bring you closer, or will the heat of competition drive you further apart? 😜 🎁 Peek at the gift [teaser] 🎁 Peek at the spoiler [JINtastic subreddit] 🎁 Release date: 4th of December 2024 [link coming soon]

🎄 Perfect Strangers // Hoseok // fake dating + romance // 19.6k 🎁 When a man as warm as a crackling hearth steps into your cozy bookstore seeking the perfect gift for his friend’s Christmas party, you can’t help but offer him your brightest smile. But when he returns days later, with a spark in his eye and a bold request—to be his pretend girlfriend for this very party—you think, Why not? After all, Christmas is a time for a little magic, a little whimsy. Yet as you step deeper into his world, you discover a heart weighed down by scars from the past, a man more complex than the merry mask he wears. Still, what’s Christmas without a little hope, a touch of wonder, and a heart ready to spread the joy it knows so well? 🎁 Peek at the gift [teaser] 🎁 Peek at the spoiler [text messages between Namjoon and MC] 🎁 Release date: 9th of December 2024 [link coming soon]

🎄Coming Home to You // Jimin // thriller + comfort // 11.7k 🎁 It’s been five years since Hyun was arrested, and you’ve done a lot of healing to get where you are in life; married, finally opening your very own yoga studio. But when the shadows come crawling back, and old memories resurface, will Christmas be ruined? 🎁 Peek at the gift [teaser] 🎁 Peek at the spoiler [MC’s text messages to Jimin] 🎁 Release date: 13th of December 2024 [link coming soon]

🎄Sprouting Love // Namjoon // fluffy + romance // 13.7k 🎁 As snowflakes dance in the crisp winter air, you and Namjoon find yourselves wrapped in the warmth of each other’s company. The holiday season brings the aroma of freshly baked cookies, the magic of twinkling lights strung through the house, and laughter echoing in your greenhouse where you tend to flourishing plants, lovingly nurtured together. Amid the glow of Christmas cheer and shared moments filled with wonder, perhaps this season will sprinkle a touch of courage and clarity to finally define the blossoming connection between you. Will the magic of Christmas help turn what’s unspoken into something beautifully real? 🎁 Peek at the gift [teaser] 🎁 Peek at the spoiler [text between Jungkook and MC] 🎁 Release date: 17th of December 2024 [link coming soon]

🎄Stuck in a Cave // Jimin // enemies to lovers + romance // 8.8k 🎁 Trapped in a snowbound cave over the Christmas holidays with your long-time rival, Park Jimin, you're forced to face the simmering feelings you've both been burying beneath layers of denial. As the cold closes in, unspoken desires begin to thaw, setting your hearts ablaze in a season meant for warmth and wonder. 🎁 Peek at the gift [teaser] 🎁 Peek at the spoiler [group chat texts] 🎁 Release date: 24th of December 2024 [link coming soon]

If you wish to be tagged for one (or more) of these stories, please just leave me a comment here, or on the specific story’s teaser and let me know. Then I’ll add you! 💝

[hekateinhell]

One of the funnier concepts for me to think about during the Devil’s Minion era is the whole idea of “domesticity with the vampire”, and I haven’t figured out yet on where I land in regards to whether or not Armand ever met Daniel’s mortal family back then, but for the sake of whimsy let’s assume Armand insists on experiencing an authentic commercial holiday with Daniel’s family.

“Tell them you will attend, lover. I insist upon it. And tell them you are bringing a friend.”

In reality Thanksgiving in middle class America in the 1970s looked something like this, essentially Sunday dinner after church but with turkey and lots more side dishes:

Except for most people Thanksgiving is a midday affair, so Mrs. Molloy has to be inconvenienced to push the meal back several hours to accommodate Daniel’s friend, a European college student who desperately wants to take part in an American Thanksgiving celebration. As is tradition in many families, drinks will get drunk, skeletons will come dancing out of the closets, and pies will be consumed in a display of gluttony only spoken about in the Bible.

Can you imagine the things Armand learned about Daniel that night? 🫢

[courtneysmovieblog]

"IF" deserves better than what it's been getting

IF is not your typical summer movie. Previews led us to believe this was just a kids movie with Ryan Reynolds wisecracking with a bunch of celebrity-voiced imaginary friends. What we get is something is something surprisingly more emotional.

Bea (Cailey Fleming) is spending the summer with her grandmother (Fiona Shaw) while her dad (John Krasinski) is getting heart surgery. It's a very emotional time for Bea, who has already had to grow up fast after her mother's passing years before. However, her forgotten inner child comes knocking when she discovers that Calvin (Ryan Reynolds), her upstairs neighbor is sheltering a bunch of imaginary friends, or IFs for short.

The imaginary friends are all sorts of zany: awkward and sweet Grimace lookalike Blue (Steve Carrell), kindly butterfly Blossom (Phoebe Waller-Bridge), elderly teddy bear Lewis (Louis Gosset Jr in his final role), and nutty private eye Cosmo, just to name a few. All of their children have grown up and forgotten them. Since Bea can see them despite her age, she and Calvin attempt to find them new children that they look out for.

Yes, this sounds a lot like Foster's Home for Imaginary Kids, at least in the beginning. And yet halfway through the story, the film changes its tone quite drastically. It switches from the easy laughs and sight gags from the celebrity voice cameos to the heavy poignancy achieved in Pixar films.

It's obvious that director and writer Krasinski was inspired by Inside Out and how imaginary friend Bing Bong ripped our hearts out. Instead of the IFs being forgotten, they get one last chance to reconnect with their adult children in a way that gives them closure. Maybe it isn't realistic, but it sure is beautiful to watch.

IF doesn't feel like a summer movie because it was supposed to be released last November. Its whimsy poignancy would have fit in better in the holiday movie season, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't deserve a chance. If anyone is to blame for the so-called summer slump, it's the studios for not ending the strikes sooner. But that doesn't let audiences off the hook for not giving good (if not perfect) movies a chance while they're still in theaters.

Give IF a chance. You'll be glad you did.

8 out of 10

[callsign-rogueone]

hi liz!! how are you doing?

I just wanted to ask if you could do a halloween edition of all the girlfriends dressing up

hope you ok

hi!! I’m doing okay. long weekend this week 🥳

here are my thoughts!! I had the hardest time picking costumes for some of them that could be possible in their universe — so like not pop culture references or anything. and I added how they’d be at a party, too.

Duchess is the one hosting the party, despite it being Xaden’s house — he lets her have the reins because he doesn’t do holidays, even if they’re dark and broody. I’m stuck on what she would dress up as. her and Brennan might not, honestly, with the excuse that “they’re getting too old for this” but at the very least she’d wear a nice fall-colored dress, not her rider’s clothes. she also lets her hair down for the occasion, which Brennan likes very much.

Angel dresses up as an angel, of course. cute, peaceful, and a reference to her nickname from Garrick and the boys. it’s easy enough to put together; a little white dress and a halo. Gare is a big fan of the exposed leg and the wings she’s got on. he’s going to try to pull her away from the party multiple times that night, but Angel is too polite and too shy to leave early, so Gare is a little pouty about that.

Spark is one of those people who does not care about any holiday ever. but Liam is excited about it, so she’ll play along, because she does care about him. Her costume probably consists of a t-shirt and pants, maybe a hat or a headband, but that’s it. Plunk some ears on her, and she’s the black cat to Liam’s golden retriever. Love attempted to convince her to let her draw some eyeliner whiskers — that went about as well as you’d expect it to.

Peach, our sweet healer girl, borrows someone’s flight jacket and dresses in all black to be a rider. (Dain gets over it when he sees how starry-eyed Sawyer is about this.) Later in the night, she steals the hat from Sawyer’s costume, looking him in the eye while she does. he blushes so hard, nearly choking on his drink, but thankfully these city kids don’t know the rule: wear the hat, ride the cowboy.

Darling is hand-making treats for the occasion, obviously, because she’s extra like that. she borrows a dress and shoes from Love or Duchess and is a ballerina 🥹 (this will make more sense whenever I finally finish one of her chapters… anyway) she’s classy and practical through and through, so she’s wearing tights under. and she encourages everyone to drink water and eat some real food to balance out the alcohol and churam.

Love dresses up as a fairy (because she has Tinkerbell energy). it’s easy enough to put together — a little pastel dress (of which she has dozens) and some wings, which she can make flutter with her little wisps of air. she’d make a dramatic entrance by floating down the stairs. Dain is probably a little anti-Halloween in the sense of it being “impractical” and “for children”, because there is no whimsy or fun allowed in the Aetos household, but when he sees how happy Love is, he’s on board. like Garrick, he’s into the dress and the wings, but he has the restraint not to drag her away from the party.

Sweetheart doesn’t want to stand out too much. she’s probably not going to dress up. or if she did, it would be something simple. maybe she’s another black cat with Spark — Liam plays that sunshine role for both of these withdrawn, “cold” girls. she hangs back at the edges of the party most of the night (with Xaden!) and watches it all unfold.

Sunny is also one that’s stumping me right now. she wouldn’t have any impractical clothes or shoes to wear, so she’d have to borrow something from one of the girls or make something herself. she spends a lot of the time bartending for the party, as she’s experienced in that. Aaric stays closeby the whole time, helping her, even though he has no idea what he’s doing. he probably didn’t dress up — he doesn’t seem very whimsical.

[revvethasmythh]

also went to target and got the softest polar bear pjs you’ve ever felt in your life and TWO great dresses for the holiday season. I cannot lie, the whimsy of these holiday products did more to raise my mood than perhaps anything else could have

[tigtree]

my opinions on the foxes’ favourite seasons because i’m in the library procrastinating on a literature essay due this afternoon but i get more emotional the further i get:

Dan- winter. she’s a winter person through and through, she loves to cuddle up and watch christmas movies and light candles

Matt- spring. he’s a man of whimsy, definitely a big fan of watching the flowers bloom and the world glow green

Aaron- autumn. he’s an autumn guy. big fan of stepping on crunchy leaves and all sorts of halloween-themed dates with katelyn. also definitely watches over the garden wall every autumn.

Nicky- winter. winter winter winter. christmas?? new years?? he LOVES it. he loves getting festive, seeing all the lights. he gets a thrill out of cold, damp evenings and holding hands with erik under the streetlamps

Andrew- that awkward place between spring and summer. SOLELY because he’s a fan of the mild temperature. he can’t stand the cold and literally melts in the heat. he likes not having to think about the temperature before he goes out

Neil- summer. he is a year-round jorts and t-shirt man, but likes summer best because nobody jokes about it. he also doesn’t have to go around with cold legs in the summer. jorts

Allison- she can’t decide between summer and winter. she LOVES the summer heat and beach trips and cold drinks, but she’s also a complete sucker for a cozy night in with hot drinks and a christmas movie and fairy lights

Renee- spring. she loves warm rain, loves bugs, loves all of it. she’s a huge fan of easter- the symbolism of being reborn and all- and finds a lot of peace in the holiday and season. it’s the time of year where she feels the hope in everything she sees

Kevin- autumn/winter. he can’t get enough of the smell of the damp air, ducking under storefronts to escape the rain. he feels a lot of peace when the street lamps are on and he’s walking through columbia with his friends laughing around him, their breath fogging up in the air

Seth- summer. i can see him a big swimmer, loving beach days out. collecting seashells and scouring rock pools with his kids, washing the sand off of their feet in the ocean and carrying them back to the beach towels. he’d joke about not believing in sunscreen, but be hyper-vigilant about who needs a fresh coat and when. he’d love the sun on his skin and shitty seaside food.

[rattoenailclippings]

Uhhhh hihi

More art wow

Uhhh its not my favorite but hey im getting better at backgrounds and I think Muriel looks cute I may have given up on some things but hey I finished it I hope its whimsy enough

MC JUMPSCARE‼️‼️

Uhhhh happy holidays

[rom-e-o]

So in the spirit of the soon-to-be Christmas season, I was rereading 'Begin Again' and got to the part where Orin's in jail and all that and like-

What do you think Orin's haunt was like? How do you think the Christmas Ghosts + Marley would speak to a man like him? I know Present would probably a lot less jovial with him-

Oh my gosh, you're re-reading "Begin Again"? For the holiday season? That makes me so, so happy. ;;

(I'm currently working on their wedding in-universe, so that is just lovely extra inspo. And Marley would be making an appearance, haha.) Ah, yes. Orin's haunting.

The spirits would be far less kind to him, as would Marley. Past and Marley would be equally brutal. Marley, for all his faults, was not an Orin. Marley might be condemned, but Orin?

Past, taking Connie's form in wax and using her voice, glares daggers at him as they watch the memories. If Scrooge got ping-ponged through dimensions with some whimsy and regret, Orin gets an exclusive trip to his very own Silent Hill with her.

Trigger warnings for abuse, su*cide attempts, SA, violence, drugs, alcohol.

PAST:

They go over everything:

The day Orin's sister, Juliet, left home and told nobody. ("She didn't leave an address for you to write her at. Interesting.")

The day Orin lied on his paperwork to get out of the slums close to Arthur DoGoode, then sees his daughter for the first time. ("Did you know all along what you planned? I wonder.")

The wedding night, when he first hit her and forced her into acts. Then the honeymoon in Switzerland, where he forced himself and friends/colleagues on her. Some paid good money too. This part goes on for hours, hearing her screams and sees her thrashing and tears from a whole new angle as man after man descends upon her. ("That's when she started drinking, because it helped her black out, and took away the pain. No powders yet. Those came later, after you broke her bones. And her dreams for love.")

The Christmas he locked her on the balcony and left her to freeze. ("You said she was sleepwalking. The idiot police believed you, but did your neighbors? Did Connie's mother?")

The Christmas he locked her in a closet when she objected to him swindling with complex financial contracts. ("She was in there the whole holiday. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Alone in the dark. Thirsty. Trapped.")

The night Connie slit her wrists in the bathtub, and Orin saved her, complaining about all the blood. ("Theresea locked you out of the hospital room. She knew. And Arthur ... did you know he brought a pistol to meet you? He really thought about it, but I bet you never noticed. Too busy feeling invincible. Besides, the idea of dying in prison away from his wife and daughter is what stopped him, not any mercy for you.")

The day of Arthur's funeral. It's a huge event, with hundreds of people gathered. ("More than you'll ever have at yours. You keep checking your watch. You were bored, Spiegler? Or thinking about what you'll ask Connie to make for dinner? ... You know, Arthur never forgive himself for introducing you two.")

The Christmas he shoved her down the stairs of the Astor House, breaking both her legs. He waits fifteen minutes before getting help. She cried for help the whole time. "O-Orin, h-help ..."/"Stop talking! J-Just shut up! I need to think."/"If I don't ... I love you ... Orin."/"Stop talking! Are you deaf? You idiot!" ("You didn't want people to find out. You'd become too bold.")

The trip to the hospital, and the discovery there. ("It was always convenient. You didn't bed her often, but when you did, you weren't careful. Any time she needed a doctor's treatment, you paid them off to ... check. And when it was true, they did their duty before she ever woke up. You thought she didn't know. It's her body. She knew. She would have probably agreed, you know. Any spawn of yours shouldn't exist")

Then, finally, the day she says goodbye. Withdraws money, sneaks out, and throws her wedding ring in the ocean before hiding away in the basement of the boat. ("Does it infuriate you, Spiegler? That she outsmarted you? It shouldn't. She was always smarter than you. With money. With people. Her biggest mistake was actually falling in love with you.")

There is no whimsy in looking at his Past. There are no happy memories. No good times. It's just mistake after mistake. And seeing it all before him ... it makes Orin panic. He never thought he'd have to pay. And Past taking Connie's form, glaring at him as he world literally fractures apart? Reality crashes into him.

PRESENT:

Present? There's no jolly song-and-dance. Orin arrives in his chamber, and finds Present standing amidst towers of food and sweets. But ... all the dishes are wrong.

It's all the foods Orin used to ask Connie to make regularly. Eels in aspic. Tournedos de volaille. Pots of rarebit and bread. Peanut brittle. And it's all rotting.

"You have immaculate timing," Present would tell Orin, his voice booming. "I can not take you anywhere this night - it is New Year's Day, and I am bound to Christmastime in my travels. But the veil is thin. I can show you what happened ... mere days ago."

And Orin sees Constance and Ebenezer. At first, his anger returns. The bitch, he thinks. Then ... he keeps watching. There is no casualness to their movements. Nothing steamy or sexual (well, not in that moment). They don't act like two people having an affair. In fact, it's ... tender, what he sees. Loving.

The couple is standing before a roaring hearth in the otherwise dark mansion, their bodies bathed in firelight. Mr. Scrooge's mansion, Orin notes, with all the tacky yuletide decor. With a saunter that's almost bashful, Ebenezer crosses the room and overturns his hand to her in welcome. Slowly, she accepts it, drifting closer in foolish hope. Then, he leans down and brings their lips together. It's not a frantic brush of contact, but rather, it smolders like a lit ember. Tilting her head slightly, she welcomes the new angle. One strong arm cradles her shoulders while another is slung low around her waist, steadying both of them. He dips her backward, allowing gravity to help deepen their kiss. When they part for air, he grins at her sheepishly. He looks so young, almost boyish, with his blushing cheeks and sparkling eyes. Orin notes that he looks ... besotted. In love. “Merry Christmas, Constance,” he whispers. “I … hope you made some better memories of the holiday this evening.” So, she'd told him. Constance nods. Just as he was about to drift away, she grabs his shoulders to stop him. Not wanting to leave him emotionally abandoned, her lifts her hands to cup his face. She moves so slowly, offering plenty of time for him to move away. He never does. With her fingertips skimming his sideburns, she leans in and kisses the side of his aquiline nose. “Merry Christmas, Ebenezer,” she says. “And, um, yes. I would say I most certainly did.”

He also catches a glimpse of New York. His coworkers. They don't mention him.

The next thing he sees is fire. Endless, hot flames, before the final ghost appears.

YET-TO-COME:

Yet-To-Come would treat him with the same indifference. After all, no matter your status or wealth, death plays no favorites.

He is shown two futures. The first is right after he brings Connie back to New York from London. She doesn't go easily, but he prevails. She's his wife, after all. There's nothing she can do. She knows that.

She fights him at the docks, and finally, in a blaze of fury, he pushes her one last time. She flies off the bridge and crashed into the Hudson, where she drowns and dies. Dead, by his hands, finally.

When Ebenezer arrives in port the next day to find the memorial to her, his pained scream is enough to shake the heavens.

Then the scene changes. The second future. It flickers to Orin's funeral. Not a soul is in attendance.

MARLEY:

For Marley, it's personal. Think about it - he dies, yet finds a way to come back with Three Spirits to make sure his only friend/partner doesn't share the same horrible fate as him. This work provides him with no benefit. No salvation, no do-overs, nothing. The only benefit is saving his partner from the same eternal damnation as him.

An Marley sees Scrooge change. He sees Scrooge become a giving philanthropist. With his help, the "Festive Fund for the Poor" grows too big for tip boxes to contain. He's present for the birth of Harry and Hela's child (specifically, he keeps his nephew from pacing a hole in the floor while she pushes) - he sees his family legacy continue, and sees him holding their baby. He's turned everything around, and in such a short time. Marley is even okay with Cratchit's name replacing his on the doors. They needed new signage anyway, he thinks fondly. Something newer and more in-fashion.

Then, he sees Scrooge find this sad, frail, and frankly kind of pathetic woman in the streets. ("Look at her dress, poor thing. Old boy better buy her something nice.") Interesting, he thinks. He sees them fall in love, and quickly. He saw how he acted with Isabel, and even then, he wasn't so besotted. Plus, she's a perfect clerk, and rounds out the counting house team splendidly.

When he sees Ebenezer embracing happiness and the promise of romance anew with this woman, it feels like they've finally come full-circle. He's going to be okay, Marley thinks. That fills him with all the happiness he could hope toy have in his afterlife.

Then this corrupt, New York businessman barges in and tries to undo everything. To rip it all away. To undo an entire year of growth.

Absolutely not.

"Orin Spiegler, the Spirits and I have only intervened with individuals like you on Christmas. To right wrongs and to help others, as we can. However, your past and future are so vile .... you are the only exception thus far. Our end goal for these lost mortals is usually redemption. However, in your case ... our only hope is change. To cut to the bone to foster regret. Pray that is the worst of it."

Then ... Orin wakes up. Honestly, he contemplates hanging himself in the cell, but what will that do?

Moved by Past and Marley's actions, he asks for the constable. He confesses to everything, but asks for a pen and paper.

He has two letters to write before he goes.

[read-chill-wine]

Welcome to reviews of...

✨️Books Liz Loves that you should buy if you are in the US before the orange one takes office✨️

Warnings - slight spoilers, mention of misogyny, mentions of smut, a little bit of SJM criticism.

A/N - To those who may be disappointed, I do not discuss SJM as a person, deep plotholes, full character assassinations, etc. In short, I am not going in on glaring issues from this series or her writing. I have a huge post I have been working on for several months where I am addressing these things, but I will not be posting it until I have all the quotes and exact page numbers I am referencing.

The Banned Booklist

See Liz's original Banned Book Post here

As voted by so many of you, we're talking about the ACOTAR series today

**not my picture, but I'd do some bad things for these first editions. Mainly ACOFAS**

The ACOTAR series is a growing series of romantic fantasy, commonly called Romantasy, novels. The series centers around the three Archeron Sisters as they navigate a new life as made high fae after their own series of traumatic events. It spanned into a whole multi-verse connecting ACOTAR into Maas' beloved Throne of Glass and Crescent City series with many fans accrediting Feyre to being what saved both of those worlds as well. The argument has been made that without Feyre, Rhys would not have been freed to save Aelin. Without Feyre, Nesta would not have been made High Fae to collect the dread trove and help Bryce. This is something I do agree with since it does appear that everything in these three worlds is being shaped up to center around Rhysand's family and, in turn, Feyre. I am open to discussion on this, though!

Books 1-2 (the ones mainly beginning to fall under the book bans and challenges) center around the youngest sister, Feyre. In book one, A Court of Thorns and Roses, we open with Feyre hunting to help her family survive a hard winter. Feyre on this trip kills a wolf that turns out to be a high fae male (and unrated self-sacrificing hero) beginning our story. After this happens, the Archeron family is visited by 1 of the 7 High Lords of the fae lands, Tamlin, and she is forced to leave with him under the guise of a treaty between the fae and mortals.

We get to witness a delicious slow burn, almost enemies to lovers situation between Tamlin and Feyre that is littered with hints of something much more dangerous at play. The first book is filled with a lot of whimsy and reads like a very magical world fantasy novel where we see things like a night based in sex magic and fertility, holidays celebrating the arrival of the seasons, and the stunning scenery of the Spring Court. Without spoiling too much, Feyre's time with Tamlin in Spring comes to a very abrupt holt when we get our second glance into Rhysand and his discovery and confirmation of Feyre's existence in Spring and her relationship with Tamlin. Tamlin, in a delicious act of "I'm going to let the world burn for you," sends Feyre back home to the mortal lands for her protection.

Once Feyre discovers her man, male, something (depending on what SJM felt like calling the fae on that page) had been taken by the blight, Feyre gives chase, following him down under the mountain leading to us getting to meet the "Blight" Amarantha and the 3 challenges Feyre is forced to endure to free all of Prythian from the Queen Under the Mountain. Book one ends with Feyre's death and revival at the hands of the High Lords. The now high fae female meets with Rhysand, who may actually not be a bad guy, one last time before heading home with Tamlin to Spring.

Book two essentially picks up where books 1 leaves off. Feyre is back in Spring with Tamlin and struggling deeply. She is scarred from her time under the mountain and it shows through her outward appearance and inwards anxieties that we are a reader experience with her. I will be honest, A Court Of Mist and Fury is my least favorite of the series. I feel it was riddled with plot holes, character assassinations (Lucien, Feyre, and Tamlin) and I do feel SJM killed the very fantasy world based vibes she created with the Spring court once we as readers arrive with Feyre in Velaris. So, to cliff notes this, Tamlin turns into an abuser out of left field, Rhysand is Feyre's mate, they get dirty in some paint after Feyre gives Rhys some canned soup, and her sisters Nesta and Elain are turned High Fae after being kidnapped by Hybern after, and I cannot stress this enough, IANTHE not Tamlin IANTHE sells them out, they get thrown into the Cauldron, Feyre plays dirty little actress, has the King of Hybern (what's his actual name Sarah Janet) break her bargain bond with Rhysand, and we end up back with Tamlin in Spring.

From here, this series is filled with a lot of plotholes and twists that genuinely do not make sense, some poor character development, some good character development, some what the actual hell moments from Rhysand, and a beautiful story in A Court of Silver Flames that centers around Nesta and her growth and journey with addiction and mental health. In short, there are many good things and bad things SJM does, and while the hype around the books may be a little much, it is definitely earned. I do recommend this series to all of my friends in a reading slump.

ACOTAR has created a cult like following with readers ranging from their teens all the way to my 75 year old grandmother borrowing it from me and becoming a huge fan (she's a Helion girlie - I got my love of thighs from somewhere.) That fandom has spanned around the world with many readers in many time zones connecting on levels some argue has not been seen since the start of the Supernatural fandom.

The fandom is filled with controversy, love, drama, and some absolutely talented artists and writers who have all worked their booty off to keep the magic alive while we wait for what is going to be a high anticipated 6th book that many hope will be centered around the middle sister, Elain Archeron. It has helped a lot of readers get back into reading and has landed SJM on the list of top fantasy authors of all time *something I don't agree with. Romantasy, yes. Fantasy, no.*

SJM quickly became one of the most common newly banned authors in 2022-2023 lists with over 13 districts and states banning ACOTAR and ACOMAF with the rest of the series slowly beginning to trickle in. The reason these books are becoming challenged may not shock you all. The first and most common reason is smut. While ACOSF is definitely the most smut heavy, all of these books feature sex scenes. Are they the spiciest books I have ever read? No. Absolutely not. However, it has caused some pearl clutching, causing groups to question if they are appropriate for children and in public spaces. The second reason is ✨️magic✨️. The magic in the book shows "unchristian values" because, evidently, Jesus of Nazareth is the only person allowed to perform magic in books.

There are several common themes in banned romantasy books out side of smut and magic that many against censorship have brought up, and they do appear in the ACOTAR. The most common link in a lot of these novels is strong female leads. From Blood and Ash, Throne of Glass, the Hunger Games, and so many more have potential misogynistic views causing them to end up on these lists.

I don't have a golden way to wrap this one up. I love this series, especially for the fandom. I truly do. I have formed an amazing platform of friends, readers, moots, and connections I treasure dearly. It would genuinely break my heart if this book were to be banned from public libraries. It brings forth so much discussion and beauty, especially when you over look the bad.

[twistedtummies2]

Top 15 Evil Clowns

There are many fears one might consider “popular phobias.” These are terrors that are not only common amongst people in general, but frequently used, abused, and homaged in various works of popular media. They’re the sources of many famous movies and monsters. Among these popular fears you’ll see folks return to time and time again are arachnophobia, ophidiophobia, galeophobia (look up what all those words mean, I’m not telling you here)...and, of course, coulrophobia. The Fear of Clowns.

In reality, most clowns are not scary at all. They’re figures of fun and whimsy intended to make people laugh and entertain children. They work hard to practice their craft and usually do what they do either for want of money, or love of their career, or even both. However, over time, the imagery of the clown has become increasingly negatively stereotyped, to the point where it’s actually really hard to find genuinely friendly, humorous clown characters in fiction that have a lot of impact. There are a few, mind you - Bozo, Ronald McDonald, and Clarabell are three hopefully recognizable “good clown” names - but nowadays, most people see clowns in the same vein as zombies or vampires. Their innocent origins now seem almost forgotten, and as a result, the fear has become even more intense.

It’s not surprising, to be fair, that the clown has become so synonymous with evil as opposed to happiness. As many have pointed out (who are wiser than I), their heavily made-up faces and flamboyant costumes not only make for eye-catching and iconic visual elements, regardless of the circumstances, but can also make it difficult for people - especially very young people - to fully “connect” with them. As humans, we rely on certain features and physical attributes to tell what others are thinking or intending, and when they are covered up especially heavily, we naturally become unsettled. Beyond this, however, there’s also a wonderful dichotomy inherent to the idea of the Evil Clown: it’s the mismatch between the colorful, often humorous exteriors and the dark, horrific internal processes going on. They can be silly and fun, but they can also be dangerous. This applies to every form the iconography can take, from cartoon baddies to horror film bogeymen.

While I, myself, have no inherent fear of clowns, I’ve always found the idea of the Evil Clown to be fascinating. So, I thought it would be fun, as part of my October-fest of lists for 2024, to cover the topic and name some of my personal favorite examples of the trope. Some are scary, some are just cartoonishly nasty, but all of them universally give clowns a bad name. So, without further ado, here are My Top 15 Favorite Evil Clowns!

15. The Birthday Bandit, from Teamo Supremo.

Of all the characters on this list, the Birthday Bandit is arguably the least threatening, and one of the least well-known. While both of these facts hamper his ranking, he’s still worth mentioning. “Teamo Supremo” was a children’s superhero series made by Disney, inspired by a combination of old superhero shows from the 60s and 70s, and the works of Jay Ward - the creator of Rocky & Bullwinkle, George of the Jungle, and Dudley Do-Right, among other things. It focused on the adventures of three child superheroes; one of their most popular antagonists was the Birthday Bandit. The Bandit was a disgruntled children’s entertainer who turned to crime; while he mostly targeted birthday events, he would also strike on holidays and other special occasions. The main thing that makes the character so memorable, in my opinion, is voice: the Bandit was played by none other than Mark Hamill…and don’t worry, we’ll get to a certain OTHER famous clown of cruelty Hamill has played later in the list. We’re just getting started, ladies and gentlemen…

14. The Clown at Midnight.

This somewhat obscure horror-mystery venture was a made-for-TV film originally produced in Canada. Depending on where you look, the release date is listed as either 1998 or 1999, my guess being depending on the country you look at. While by no means a masterpiece of morbidity, it’s still a decently creepy adventure, in my opinion. The story begins when a young lady named Kate learns she is the daughter of a former opera star, who was killed under mysterious circumstances. She and her friends decide to try and restore the old opera house where her late mother worked. However, things take a turn for the deadly when a mysterious killer, dressed a clown, begins to stalk the teens and their teacher. Kate and her friends must try to figure out who is behind the makeup, while also attempting to stay alive. I won’t give away who the Clown is, or why they’re doing what they’re doing, but it’s the actor involved and the clown himself, as well as the atmosphere of the old opera house, that makes this movie worthwhile.

13. Punchinello, a.k.a. Mr. Punch.

The character of Punch, or more appropriately “Punchinello,” is one of the oldest examples of an evil clown in recorded fiction. Now, some of you may be thinking, “What? That silly slapstick puppet show that showed up in ‘Santa Clause 2’? Does that even count?” Well, yes: few people realize the origins of Mr. Punch are really quite disturbing. “Punchinello” is a type of clown character, and the famous figure from “Punch & Judy” is not nearly the innocent weirdo you probably would expect. The origins of Punch indicate he may not even be human, and in the classic Punch & Judy show…yeah, he’s a psychopath. He murders his wife, his child, his neighbor, a policeman, abuses various animals, and even clobbers the Devil himself just to keep his own soul out of Hell! While it’s all given this darkly humorous slapstick veneer, when you really look at the character and his actions, they’re pretty messed up. While I’ve always had a fascination with this folkloric figure, I count him low on the list because he’s really more recognizable as a character in a puppet show than anything else. Which, to me, kind of makes him sit in an odd place compared to other characters on the countdown. And while most people are vaguely familiar with the idea of “Punch & Judy,” I doubt very many really realize how thoroughly INSANE Punchinello is. Other clowns to come are much more overt in their darkness, and most of them are likely more recognizable AS clowns.

12. The Hobo Clown, from The Devil’s Carnival.

“The Devil’s Carnival” is a short independent musical movie, focused on three people who all end up damned to Hell at the exact same time. They soon discover that Hell is not the medieval fire-and-brimstone wasteland you might expect, but instead takes the form of a perverse carnival and circus. The three sinners thus face a challenge: if they can overcome their greatest sins in life, they will have a chance to go to Heaven. If not, they will be forever doomed to perform in the Carnival, facing death and torture for all eternity as punishment. The Hobo Clown is one of the demons working at the Carnival, and acts as one of two devils assigned to take care of the vain and greedy Miss Merrywood. The character was played by Ivan Moody - most famous as the lead singer of the band Five Finger Death Punch - and gets arguably the best song in the film, “A Penny For a Tale” - performed as he and his fellow carnies torment Merrywood after she fails her test. The film has a motif themed around Aesop’s Fables, and the song analogizes Merrywood’s downfall as a musical retelling of the fable of “The Dog and Her Reflection.” While this dark clown’s role in his respective source is relatively small, it is certainly VERY memorable.

11. Violator, from Spawn.

When most people think of evil clowns in comics, they most likely first think of Batman’s Joker. (And again, we’ll be getting to him soon enough.) However, the Caped Crusader is not the only comic book superhero to have a crazed and murderous clown for an arch-nemesis. Enter Violator - the arch-nemesis of Spawn. While I haven’t actually read much of the Spawn comics, I am primarily familiar with the character thanks to the (admittedly terrible) film adaptation, and (more importantly) the HBO animated series. The former had John Leguizamo, of all people, in the role (and he is arguably the best part of the movie), while the character was voiced by Michael Nicolosi in the TV series. Across all media, however, the character’s basic setup remains the same: Violator is a vaguely bug-like demon who typically takes the form of a crass, vulgar, sardonic clown as a disguise. Ostensibly, he’s in charge of training Spawn, so you’d think they’d be allies…but the Violator is resentful of his position, and only becomes more antagonistic when Spawn goes against his role as leader of Hell’s forces to fight against the Devil. Much of Violator’s evil comes from him trying to one-up his human-born rival, but he’s generally just an awful creature who enjoys suffering and violence in general. When you have a name like “Violator,” I think it’s a given you’re going to be pretty nasty by default.

10. Canio, from Pagliacci.

Alongside Punchinello, this is the oldest example on our list. It’s also the most arguable: while Canio is by no means a hero, it’s debatable how “evil” this clown really is. “Pagliacci” is one of the most well-known operas in the world. Composed by Ruggero Leoncavallo, it tells the story of a troupe of commedia dell’arte performers: chief among them is Canio, who plays the role of the clown Pagliacco in their shows. Canio is depicted as a devoted and kind husband to one of his fellow performers, Nedda…so, when he discovers Nedda is cheating on him with yet another one of their fellow actors, but doesn’t know which one, he plots to find out who her lover is and get revenge. SPOILER ALERT - this ends with Canio, unable to continue his next performance in his emotional distress, murdering both Nedda and her lover, Silvio, before the horrified audience. Canio is a complicated character: on the one hand, he’s typically shown in a sympathetic light: his love for Nedda appears genuine, and he doesn’t seem to be a cruel or abusive husband. HOWEVER, it’s indicated early on that Nedda is afraid of his temper and his possessive attitude towards her, which is why she begins her affair with Silvio. It’s not till he discovers the affair that Canio’s dark side comes out in full force, and even then, one can understand his impulsive and emotional actions. However, Nedda and Silvio aren’t depicted as necessarily bad people, either; they aren’t plotting to do any harm to Canio, and their own relationship seems equally genuine. There’s a lot of gray area here. Ultimately, I would say that double-homicide fueled by rage - however justifiable the act may or may not be - definitely counts Canio in the “Evil Clown” category.

9. Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

While Canio’s villainy is debatable, there’s no such argument to be made with the titular monsters in this cult classic horror-comedy. I mean, it comes with the name: they’re called “Killer Klowns” for a reason. As the title indicates, this movie focuses on a horde of carnivorous, clown-like extraterrestrials, who come to Earth seeking fresh prey to feast upon. The Klowns have powers and weapons that match their circus-like demeanors: they wrap people up in acidic cotton candy cocoons, hatch from eggs that resemble popcorn, have a spaceship that resembles a Big Top, and their only weak spots are their round, red clown noses. While the film is intentionally done in a cheesy, satirical style - fully absorbed in its own silly premise - these Klowns are a great example of what makes the trope so good. They are very funny and utterly bizarre, but they’re also depicted as being totally and completely evil, and have moments where they are genuinely creepy and disturbing. It’s clear that they fully enjoy their own sadistic antics, and take great delight in toying with the humans they kill and consume. The Klowns themselves, and the movie they hail from, are considered classic examples of the concept of Evil Clowns, and were so popular they even spawned a video game, where players are able to take control of the Killer Klowns and hunt down humans in a variety of absurdly despicable ways. I’ve never played the game, but if it’s in any way a match for the movie, I can only imagine it’s as fun as it is freaky.

8. Umlaut, from CarnEvil.

Speaking of video game clowns (as we did at the end of our previous pick), when it comes to the concept of evil circuses, carnivals, and so on, one game title always automatically comes to my mind: “CarnEvil.” A dark staple of arcade galleries from 1998 well into the 2000s, this - like Killer Klowns from Outer Space - was a combo of horror and humor. The game focuses on a thrillseeking protagonist who summons the titular CarnEvil: a twisted amusement park filled with monsters, ghosts, zombies, and…um…evil Christmas elves (no comment), all run by the mad showman, Ludwig Von Tokkentaker. Of course, psychotic killer clowns are all the rage at this place…and the most noteworthy among them all is our “host,” Umlaut. This disembodied jester’s skull - who flies around with his belled collar acting like a helicopter propeller - is the game’s mascot, and acts as Tokkentaker’s second-in-command. Throughout the our gory and grisly adventure, he introduces the different levels, giving each one a darkly humorous limerick to accompany them. In the climactic final sequence aboard his master’s phantom zeppelin, Umlaut confronts the player directly as a mini-boss, preluding the grand showdown between the MC and the leader of CarnEvil. As the most recognizable character from one of the most deliciously deranged arcade experiences of all time, Umlaut definitely deserves a place in my personal top ten.

7. Joker (a.k.a. Rascal), from Smile! Pretty Cure/Glitter Force.

There are quite a number of evil clowns, jesters, harlequins, and so on in the world of anime. A couple that I enjoy who didn’t make the cut include the Moderate Harlequin Alliance from “That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime” (yes, both of those titles are things), and Saggi the Dark Clown from “Yu-Gi-Oh!” However, my favorite example from anime would have to be this character. “Smile! Pretty Cure” is one entry in the long-running “Pretty Cure” franchise…and it’s also the ONLY PreCure series I’ve ever seen. (I’m not really a huge fan of Magical Girl shows.) The series is themed around fairy-tales, with three of its major antagonists - Wolfrun, Akaoni, and Majorina - all being characters from famous fairy-tales, and the show as a whole featuring references to other stories and fairy-tale elements throughout. With that said, the main antagonist of the show appears to be a totally original character, and that is this guy. In the original Japanese version, he’s referred to as “Joker.” The English Dub, which retitled the series as “Glitter Force,” changed nearly all of the major character names and other bits of terminology; in that version, the character was renamed “Rascal.” While the original Japanese version is definitely better, I’m going to refer to the character by that name in this description, simply because I find “Rascal” to be a more unique name than “Joker.” The four villains all plan to resurrect a dark entity known as “Emperor Pierrot,” and use his power to - of course - take over the world. It’s eventually revealed that Rascal is actually a part of Pierrot, given his own body and soul, and his greatest desire is to return to his Master and become part of him once again. Rascal will stop at nothing to achieve these goals, and while he at first seems like a goofball, he quickly shows himself to be the scariest and arguably the most wicked of the bunch. And considering his associates include the Big Bad Wolf and the Evil Queen from Snow White, that’s probably saying quite a lot. While the aforementioned Big Bad Wolf, Wolfrun (or “Ulric” in Glitter Force) is my favorite of the villains, Rascal comes at a close second, and was by far the most sinister of the group.

6. Kefka Palazzo, from Final Fantasy.

I’m not super well-versed in the universe of “Final Fantasy,” but I’ve played and seen enough to know a fair bit about Kefka Palazzo. And with what I know about him, there’s no doubt in my mind he’s one of my favorite video game villains, and therefore a shoe-in for a place on this countdown. Once upon a time, Kefka was meant to be a great hero: the first “prototype” of an intended army of Magic Knights, he was experimented on with Magitek (as the name implies, a sort of combo of magic and technology) to give him special powers. The experiment, however, did not go as planned: it DID give Kefka great powers, but also twisted his mind. Kefka is the jolliest nihilist you could ever hope NEVER to meet: he very literally cannot comprehend feelings like love, compassion, and loyalty, and doesn’t understand why people hold so many things as precious. So, like an errant child, he reacts to these things he doesn’t understand by destroying him. While Kefka is manipulative and cunning, his schemes and plots have no great ambition behind them: all he yearns for is death and destruction. Nothing matters to him but killing and ruining other people and the things they hold dear, and no amount of this meaningless horror is enough. He is both a tragic and decidedly deplorable character, and one of the most powerful and dangerous examples of an evil clown on this countdown.

5. The Ghost Clown, from Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?

This may seem like a weird one to place into the Top 5, but for me, it’s a no-brainer. While the Ghost Clown may not be the most threatening and scary of all the clowns on this countdown, he’s one of the first characters I think of whenever I think of the concept, as well as one of my favorite classic Scooby-Doo villains. Appearing in the episode “Bedlam in the Big Top,” the Ghost Clown is a mysterious figure, with a raspy, husky voice and hypnotic powers. It’s revealed that the Ghost Clown is a superstition among circus folk in this world: whenever the Clown shows up, it’s a sign that the circus is doomed. That certainly seems to be the case, as after the appearance of this particular specter, the circus he’s haunting begins to experience a variety of accidents, endangering the performers and causing nearly all of them to leave. It’s therefore up to the Mystery Inc. gang to find a way to stop the Ghost Clown, being the meddling kids they are. In typical fashion, it’s eventually revealed the supposed ghost is a crook in a costume, but I always liked the lore of the Clown being some sort of evil spirit and bad omen, and the Clown himself is just creepy enough to a memorable member of the Scooby-Doo Rogues Gallery. Shaggy, Scooby, and the rest have faced other clowns since then - from a man-eating robot clown to a zombie fond of balloon animals (yes, both of those are in other Scooby-Doo programs) - but none are quite as iconic as the Ghost Clown.

4. Fear, a.k.a. The Clown, from Star Trek: Voyager.

Played by Michael McKean, this creepy customer appeared in my personal favorite episode of “Star Trek: Voyager,” entitled “Thaw.” In this episode, the crew of Voyager stumble upon a group of humanoids - the last of their race - who are being kept in suspended animation, hooked up to an elaborate computer system. It’s revealed that this computer system places the minds of its users into a sort of “dreamworld.” This dreamworld is run by the Clown, a.k.a. “Fear.” Why is he called this? Because the Clown is a literal manifestation of fear itself: he tortures those in his dreamworld with their worst fears and most traumatizing memories, till they literally get scared to death. (Hmmmm…a clown who feeds off of people’s fears, and can make them experience them…where have I heard this before?) While the whole episode is a glorious blend of nightmare fuel and entertaining silliness, courtesy of Fear/the Clown, I think what makes me love it more than anything else is the way it ends. I won’t give away the ending here, but it’s one of the most haunting and emotionally ambiguous conclusions to any Star Trek episode, hands-down.

3. The Chief Clown, from Doctor Who.

From one sci-fi show to another. The Chief Clown is the secondary villain of my personal favorite episode of the Seventh Doctor’s era, “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy.” He is a member of the Psychic Circus: an interstellar circus that has set down its roots on the desert planet of Segonax, and is inviting people from all across the galaxy to tryout and become their next big act. The Doctor and his companion, Ace, go to see the show, and soon find themselves wrapped up in a massive conspiracy, involving extraterrestrial Gods and many buried secrets. The Chief Clown is the ultimate manifestation of the corruption of the circus: it’s indicated that, once upon a time, he was a simple and innocent entertainer, and was considered a genuinely great clown. However, he’s now become obsessed with the power he has over other people, and unlike the other circus performers - who seem more begrudging in their evil deeds, at least to some degree - the Chief Clown has completely embraced the madness. As the episode goes on, he gleefully carries out the will of his near-deity-like masters, and is more than willing to sacrifice not only random people, but his fellow longtime performers, to sate their demands. The character was played by Ian Reddington, and his performance is a major, MAJOR part of what makes the Chief Clown so memorable: he takes even the most simple lines and story beats and finds ways to make them fascinating to watch and listen to as they play out. As I’ve said, I’m typically not afraid of clowns…but this guy might be the one who creeps me out more than any other on the list. (pauses) Well…almost any other, at least. All in due time…

2. Pennywise the Dancing Clown, a.k.a. IT, from Stephen King’s IT.

I was actually tempted, at first, to place Pennywise - the clownish guise of the mysterious entity simply called “IT” from Stephen King’s story of the same name - much lower on the list. Mostly because…to be blunt, I’ve never seen a version of this story that satisfied me to 100%. Every interpretation - the book, the 1990 miniseries, and the two-part cinematic film treatment - has their own share of flaws, and also their fair share of good points. However, as time has gone on…while I have noticed more and more the issues with the story itself, I have also, conversely, gained more and more of an appreciation of the character of Pennywise. Whenever people think of the phrase “Evil Clown,” he (it?) is one of the first characters folks think of or reference. Every incarnation of Pennywise is slightly different, but all of them share the same basic idea: the clown is the preferred “costume” of a shapeshifting creature, referred to as “IT,” which feeds on people’s fear…and then feeds on the people themselves. What I love most about Pennywise in the book is the way IT is actually written: for all the problems the novel has, the monster, itself, is honestly so incredibly disturbing. Something about the way King describes the creature and its thoughts and words and so on makes it feel so unnervingly alien and cosmic. The screen treatments don’t capture this same nigh-Lovecraftian idea, but they are memorable in their own ways: Tim Curry’s delightfully over-the-top performance often feels more comical than truly chilling, but is certainly a memorable and entertaining execution, and it’s easy to see why so many people still feel scared of him, or at least enjoy him, to this day. Bill Skarsgard’s Pennywise upped the horror factor to the max, but still had a decent amount of humor and even manipulative guile to him, and gave the character a wonderful arc, as the eater of worlds and master of fear learns what it’s like to feel fear itself. Whatever version you prefer, there are few twisted harlequins quite as iconic as Pennywise the Dancing Clown.

1. The Joker & Harley Quinn, from Batman.

Yep. It’s finally time. You all knew this one was coming. And yes, I’m including Harley here, too: while I’ve personally become a bit annoyed with Harley’s ridiculous levels of misused popularity over the years - and nowadays she barely even counts as an “evil” clown, a lot of the time - I’d feel remiss to leave her out of the running entirely. The fact that it bothers me so many of her redesigns and reinventions almost seem to forget the fact she’s meant to evoke the iconography of a classic clown and jester should say something on its own. However, I’ll admit it’s mostly the Joker we’re talking about here. The Clown Prince of Crime is arguably the most famous supervillain of all time, and is one of the longest-lasting killer clowns on this countdown: he’s been around since 1940. I think the only clowns who have been around longer than him are Pagliacci and Punchinello; considering the latter has been around since the 17th century, and the former has been around since the late 1800s…yeah, I’d say the Joker’s near-85-year-run is still pretty darn impressive. If you need proof of just how much influence this character has had on me, if nothing else, you don’t even have to look at other things I’ve written; just go back over this list and see how many times I hinted at the Joker’s arrival, and how many characters here bear some resemblance - however intentional or not -  to the Ace of Knaves. There’s really not much more I even need to say to justify this decision: in my opinion, the Joker (and, to a lesser degree, dear Harley Quinn) are the ultimate couple of Evil Clowns. “Laugh, clown, laugh.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS INCLUDE…

Sweet Tooth, from Twisted Metal. (I don’t really know anything about this character or these games, but from what little I’ve learned, he seems fun in an utterly horrifying way.)

The Clown Doctors, from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. (Also the Clown Statue. Lots of evil clowns here.)

The Fireman Clown, from The Brave Little Toaster. (GOOD LORD, THIS THING WAS SCARY.)

Krusty the Clown AND Sideshow Bob, from The Simpsons. (Not sure how much either of these guys count - Krusty seems more “cynical” than “evil,” and Bob barely even qualifies as a clown - hence why they’re only Honorable Mentions.)

The Clown Doll, from Poltergeist. (I felt this fit more in the vein of “creepy toys” than “evil clowns,” but still worthy of an Honorable Mention.)

Mad Pierrot, from Cowboy Bebop. (He may not wear makeup in the original anime, but I still say he counts.)

[uh-ohspaghettio]

re: the last holiday ep – people will see an episode where tfw is even temporarily happy and be like "I hate this" 😔

They have no whimsy smh.

The only valid reason for hating the episode in my eyes is because Castiel isn’t there. Even more valid if it’s because he wasn’t there for Jack’s bday cake

[bucketfullofstrawberries]

Hi! Came here to tell you I didn't know the meaning of a comfort character until Edgar. Nowadays when I'm feeling down, all I have to do is make a drawing of him and it inmediately brightens my mood.

You have made a character who is genuinely impactful in other people's lives, who feels like a person in his own right. Who is and always will be loved by many, who doesn't feel like he's just fiction.

He is wonderful, and everyone who has made art of him knows that. And we all are grateful that you made him.

❤️

EXCUUUSEEE MEEEEEE UOU CANNOT SAYY ALL OF THAT AND KEEP YOURSELF ANONYMOUS

EXCU-HU-HUUSEEE MEEEE,,,, OUUHH.... OUHOOOA......... I'M CRYING ALL OVER YOU IM WEEPING AND I'M CRYING AND IM TURNING YOU INTO A SOPPING WET THING BEAST WITH MY TEARS, FUCK YOU!!!!!!

No, SERIOUSLY though- THIS IS SO FUCKING SWEET AND HEARTFELT WHAT THE HELLL!!??? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! IT TOOK ME A GOOD FEW HOURS TO ACTUALLY SIT DOWN AND WRITE SOMETHING FOR THIS WHOLE THING BECAUSE I JUST 💥IM NEARLY FUCKING SPEECHLESS HERE, GOOD FUCKING MORNING,

Edgar being a comfort character to you is SUCH a MASSIVE fucking compliment, even if I don't have a bloody CLUE who you are I am CRYING ALL OVER YOU SO MUCH!!!! BECAUSE!!! THAT'S KIND OF WHAT MY AIM WAS, IN A WAY???

I really don't know HOW I pipelined from a basic white Geography Teacher looking beta FUCK to this.. whimsical, Jolly Holiday, Mary Poppins-esq British man and yet STILL kept him as a Narrator, but I DID!! BUT OVER TIME, instead of keeping him as a sopping wet white cat crying in a corner, I slowly started building up a little story for him and thought to myself "..Huh. It'd be cool if he was quite different from the majority of the Narraverse... maybe I could make him fun and full of whimsy!! It might make people happy!". Because I like to make things different most of the time, it's something I've managed to be quite well known for! AS WELL AS THAT, It's an absolute joy to draw and write him as a character for myself BUT -- seeing people genuinely enjoy him as a person is something I LOVE to see because I LIKE making people happy.. and having him become a COMFORT CHARACTER, of all things, is such an honor and a privilege.. it wasn't anticipated from me at the start at ALL, But I'm SO happy you see him that way!!

And I FULLY SUPPORT, ENCOURAGE AND CONDONE Edgar being used as a source of ANY COMFORT, ANY WHICH WAY POSSIBLE!!! If he's a source of feel good energy for you, then go NUTS!! DO WHAT YOU LIKE WITH HIM, I'M NOONE TO JUDGE!! This doesn't just go out to you, either, this goes out to EVERYONE and ANYONE!!

And I'm sure Edgar HIMSELF will be MORE than delighted to provide some sunshine to your rainy days and moonlight to your cloudy night skies! I MEAN IT!! I REALLY DO!!

It brings me IMMENSE joy that I'm able to make characters that impact peoples lives in such a positive way.. because I KNOW how that feeling feels because so many characters other PEOPLE have made makes ME feel the same way.. and if EDGAR can achieve THAT with a wider audience then that's something I'll always be proud of.. and that's something that encourages me to keep pumping out content because it's something I LOVE to do and I'm more than happy to make sure people know that they're loved and they SHOULD feel loved, not just by me, but by Edgar himself. He's been carefully made over a YEAR in order to be a pleasant and good character and I'm SO happy I can convey that well enough for people to recognize him as good, because he's MEANT to be good,

But having someone say this to me UP FRONT, IN MY FACE, WALTZING IN THROUGH MY DOOR LIKE IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS IF I'LL CHOKE AND CRY ABOUT IT, I'm literally SO grateful, ETERNALLY grateful that I'm able to provide a character to be.. well, a sort of place of Sanctuary. Making peoples faces light up, getting excited about him.. it's nothing that makes me feel egotistical or big headded, it's just. Lovely to know that I'm making people happy with what I do. That's what I've wanted to do for a majority of my life, make smiles and bring cheer. I guess Edgar's -- kind of the EMBODIMENT of that.

He won't always be a Narrator... I've made my mind up about that. But he'll always live on with that significant mark he made in the community he was founded upon. THIS community, this lovely community that isn't always picture perfect but there's just SO many extraordinary and sweet people in it that I'll always be fond of it, of this. Of everyone!! Of The Stanley Parable, Narraverse and Paraverse & All of the Above and below!

TLDR: I wanted to make a Character that people could find joy within. And I'm proud to say that I did. And I'm so so SO grateful to those who keep the magic alive and love and support not me, but the journey Edgar's had and how far it's taken him.

I love you guys so so so sosososososo SOOOOO much it's insane From who you are, to what you do and what you make..even just the little things you are SO loved..

And Edgar loves you guys ALL the MORE!! <3

..AND YES I DID START CRYING WHILE WRITING THIS, SHUT UP, I'M EMOTIONAL, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

[dearinglovebot]

Answer all of the ship questions for clawen pretty pleaseeeeee

you are the moot who i would save first if tumblr caught on fire one day. god bless

who hogs the duvet?

claire and she has no shame about it. she hogs blanket and mattress. he is resigned to a tiny strip of bed, cold, shivering, completely blanketless...

who texts/rings to check how their day is going?

owen because claire experiences work hyperfocus at such intensity that she will momentarily forget she has a family and someone needs to remind her to eat lunch

who's the most creative when it comes to gifts?

claire online shops on websites so niche the average human cannot comprehend them but owen is better at giving customized handcrafts. that's a man who knows how to whittle.

who gets up first in the morning?

controversially going with owen. "claire is work-brained" yes, but she's so work-brained that it keeps her up later thus requires more time sleeping in. owen has the sleep tendencies of an old lady and wakes up right at dawn.

who suggests new things in bed?

listen... all i'm saying is that when we look at canon... only one of them is implied to be into biting. if anyone is getting freaky... i think we have our answer

who cries at movies?

owen because claire insists they're "just fiction, owen" and "i'm going to cry about real things". he approaches movies as entertainment and she approaches movies like they're puzzles to solve

who gives unprompted massages?

owen. no question.

who fusses over the other when they're sick?

they're going to take care of the other if either is sick. claire fusses in an over-vigilant always keeping her eye on the person way where owen is actively asking "do you need something to eat? do you need something to drink? in another hour you'll need to take more pills". but that said, the fussing would drive claire crazier because she's going to try harder to deny that she's sick at all. no, she doesn't need cough syrup. she is perfectly healthy (said minutes before fainting).

who gets jealous the easiest?

canon makes a very strong case for it being owen. between his dialogue in fallen kingdom and the legends of isla nublar episode dedicated to him jealously seething, that man is fighting for his life.

who has the most embarrassing music taste?

in maisie's perspective, owen. he'd probably be into old country with guys singing over their guitars about beer, farming, trucks, and women. which maisie will think is very cringe because who even likes country these days. meanwhile claire is more acceptable because her taste is more inline with blues/soul and jazz.

who collects something unusual?

owen is way more likely to. claire would collect something like postage stamps or old coins that's kind of lame but pretty unnotable. owen would have go for something that's kind of funny like animal football team mascot bobbleheads for each city they go to.

who takes the longest to get ready?

claire because she considers getting ready a process to complete. owen considers getting ready "putting pants on".

who is the most tidy and organized?

claire is meticulously devoted to keeping things exactly as she wants them. owen isn't messy, but he does think a house should be lived in. claire on the other hand labels every file on her computer with relevant names and uses tags. she approaches everything in life like this. it's fun and comforting to her

who gets most excited about the holidays?

owen is the one who wants to put up decorations and make specific food. claire doesn't particularly have any strong connection to the holidays until she starts reconnecting with karen + the boys and finds her own family. she enjoys holidays because her family enjoys them. owen enjoys them because he is full of whimsy and believes in living life to the fullest

who is the big/little spoon?

controversial opinion: they do not have defined roles. sometimes there isn't a big spoon, sometimes it's owen, sometime's it's claire. owen is more likely to fall into the role because he likes knowing she's close meanwhile claire likes being held because it feels more secure (she would love weighted blankets) BUT every night they just do what feels natural for that night

who gets more competitive when playing games and/or sports?

they both terrify maisie during boardgames because they can't help getting way too competitive with each other specifically, but claire is more likely to threaten to kick him out of the house if he launches another banana peel at her in mario kart. owen is a good sport and she is... working on that.

who starts the most arguments?

one of their favorite bonding activities is bickering. claire probably has more things to nit-pick but he's playing into every argument willingly because he likes to bother her

who suggests that they buy a pet?

they already have two pet velociraptors and they are 100% owen's fault. all future pets will go this same route. claire is always going to act like she doesn't want anything to do with getting one and maisie and owen will talk her into it and she has to pretend that she doesn't also love it after a few days of meeting it

what couple traditions do they have?

board shorts, tequila, date itinerary. they can't go for a night out alone without mentioning one or more. it's always "at least you aren't wearing shorts this time" or "what time is desert on the itinerary?"

what tv shows do they watch together?

shondaland. if it was produced by shondaland, they are tuning in. gray's anatomy, bridgerton, scandal... they're seated. they're discussing it in depth after each episode too.

what other couple do they hang out with?

alan and ellie, duh. but they'd also get along with sarah and ian. they might also go out with barry and who ever he's currently dating. and claire would insist on spending time with whoever zia's seeing, too. in that case, owen is defineltly getting deemed the token straight guy who has to keep grabbing the food and drinks for them because of #feminsim.

how do they spend time together as a couple?

parallel play is how they spend a lot of the day when they're both home. he does his thing, she does hers, but always in the same room. but theres also shondaland time or maisie and owen dragging claire on outdoor adventures or talking before bed.

who made the first move?

i go back and forth on this. on the one hand, owen would have no problem asking her out immediately. on the other, claire is a girlboss who also goes after what she wants. i lean towards owen though because claire is emotionally stunted with a massive ego about any level of vulnerability

who brings flowers home?

owen. he doesn't buy them though. just plucks them and claire doesnt ask if he had to jump a fence to do it .

who is the best cook?

claire cannot cook. at all. owen is the only one in that house actually making anything. maisie learns from owen. she just watches and sits there for moral support