#moonshinaes

[boydfiles]

@moonshinaes asked for: — "isn't it a little cliché to get engaged on christmas?"

perhaps it is cliché — but do they not deserve something like this? a little bit of sickeningly sweet normalcy to counteract everything else that has happened in their lives so far. something nice, no matter how much it reads from a bad romance novel that neither of them have picked up. a different outlook to a different era of them.

"i thought you didn't mind 'cliché,'" he quips, brow raised. "makes everything more interesting for later."

[tanteichi]

@moonshinaes​ asked: “  shut the fuck up and sit down. you’re bleeding.  ” / from harry osborn to marc !

injury/hurt prompts | accepting!

“what the fuck. . .” a low murmur of disbelief , steadying on them as an ever growing scowl forms on his face. it wasn’t as if they were WRONG, he could clearly feel the steady pool of blood under his shirt, no doubt staining it. but marc was stubborn. and he didn’t take too well to being given orders. 

“i could have handled myself. i didn’t need you to interfere.” his words are gruff, though he ends up finding himself reluctantly easing onto the ground, calloused palm pressing to his side with a slight hiss as he tries to stop the flow of blood. “you’re lucky you didn’t get hit at all.” 

[touchbased]

🍓( eyes )

dana 🥺 astrid is my baby fr so jot that down first... second you are INCREDIBLY fun to write with and constantly giving me amazing nuggets in your replies that make things so easy for me!!! and all anyone can ask for is a writing partner that makes threads easy so everyone go write w/ dana immediately <3

send me a 🍓 and i’ll compliment u !

[fantasywritten]

@moonshinaes asked: 🌿 / the problematic couple of our lives, love and joe!

THE CLASSIC ROMANCE of standing under the mistletoe — on Christmas — made Joe’s heart skip a beat. It was partially because he was a natural romantic, but mostly because of the beautiful woman standing in front of him, the woman he was THRILLED to call his wife, the love of his life. No one would EVER be as amazing as her, as beautiful as her… and no one would ever understand him the way she did. One thing was clear: JOE HAD STRUCK GOLD with Love.

“Come here, Love,” he whispered in a hushed voice, one arm wrapping around her waist to pull her closer. Before the kiss, Joe rested his forehead against hers, feeling her breath on his face. “I LOVE YOU. So much.” Before she could respond, he closed the gap, lips crashing onto hers, his other hand coming up to caress her cheek. It was all true; he loved her more than ANYTHING ELSE in this world, and even if he didn’t feel like he was in the holiday spirit, he couldn’t be more grateful for the mistletoe they’d been caught under.

[blakesque]

“ i don’t think i can do this anymore. ” / astrid + sage! @moonshinaes

he glanced at them sideways as they got ready to eat, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. “ i thought we were havin’ dinner …. “ Sage had a feeling astrid was . . . breaking up with him even though they weren’t ‘ dating. ‘ he was perfectly fine with casually hooking up with astrid, the whole no strings attached thing didn’t necessarily bother him until it began feeling a little like codependency. “ by this, I’m assumin’ you mean … whatever it is we got goin’ on here? “ he asked after a little silence, hoping they’d at least delve further into why they get that way.

[boydfiles]

she is no-one without him — just like how he isn't anyone without her. every morning at six, every single time, he wakens to the thought of her. anticipating their conversations, her quick wit that trips him up more than he cares to admit, but he loves it anyway. dreading their goodbyes at the end of the day, doing anything to stall the departure for what is he supposed to do without her? he can grade papers, work on his projects in his basement, do everything he knows how to do ( and enjoys it, no less ) — but what is the point of it alone? coming home to an empty house and quiet activities that are defeated by the thought of her. by the thought of introducing her to all his little things, learning more of hers. something he's been yearning for since he knew she was the one.

there can be no reservations, then. he is scarred and lonely and insecure — just like her. he doesn't know if he believes in fate, or a higher power, but how else could two people, thousands of miles away from each other end up in this city? at the exact right time, in the exact right spot. how can that be without interference?

so, now — the only interference is himself. she likes the way he is; his peculiar knowledge and interests, his ineptitude with almost all people. iconoclastic at the best of times, foolhardy when comfortable. she is the rare exception to connect with him to such a degree — and maybe this is why. maybe she'll not mind what lies underneath this attire, too — or what doesn't. maybe he can just be himself, without the overhead past reminders that he shouldn't do just that; the hate, the judgment, the harm that could come of the truth. there's nothing to shy away from, with her. he's safe from harm, in her presence, in her arms. it evaporates the moment he sees her every day. a silent salvation.

his hand cups her face properly, pad of his thumb smoothing over the hollow of her cheekbone, blonde strands brushing against him. there must be a god, if someone so remarkable exists, ending up on his doorstep of all places. someone so accepting, so vigorous. perfect.

"you're so much without me. you wouldn't be here if that was bullshit. alright? you're so much by yourself. so much, kirby."

that much is true. she did not need him to survive, to escape woodsboro, to become her own woman without the paper trail that follows too many who have faced the same. she did not — does not — need him to be successful. her sense of self is one of the reasons why he loves her so; why he's pressing this matter. he doesn't want to be the reason she trades it in, even for love. never for him. if history is to repeat itself, one day, as he suspects it will, she may have to live without him. be herself without him. he'll be damned if it's the other way around, if he's the one who has to return to those days with little to look forward to, floating through life unnoticed and dissatisfied.

"i don't — i don't want to be without you, anymore. as just colleagues, as friends, as ... heh. you don't know how much i think about you. you'd probably run a mile if you did," he chuckles, negative emotions visibly draining from his face and replaced by bashfulness. he knows she wouldn't, but he doesn't quite have the modesty to accept it. "let's say a lot. a good deal. more than ... more than anything that i can remember. i don't want to remember anything else."

a long pause, then a gentle squeeze of their hands, slow as his lips come down to press against her knuckles, breathing heavy against them once they detach. his eyes flutter shut, praying this is okay. that he hasn't overstepped, regardless of the words they have both uttered tonight. the words that they will utter after this moment. what they will do, what will come of it.

"i don't want you to go," he whispers, nuzzling her and leaving more small kisses in and around the same area. desperately he doesn't. why must she stray away now, from his home — their home, and leave him with bricks and a cold hearth? indeed, she lights his; fuels the fire that once scarcely crackled, unattended to. he doesn't have to worry about that again, with her. he doesn't have to worry about anything.

he lifts his head, studying her lips and eyes for a sign to advance. really, this whole night has been one — a long overdue, at that. so closer he moves, breath hot against hers, chest booming. bordering nauseous, but one that's welcomed. one that reminds him he's human. that this is human; to black out his sight and ghost her mouth with his own, to test the waters. he's not drowning yet. he is right where he needs to be — so comes the press, the happy groan, the explosion they depict in the movies when the boy finally gets the girl.

only this is better. they're better, because they're real. they're right where life has intended them to be all along.

"don't go," into her cupid's bow, forehead grazing hers before indulging in another kiss. "don't go, not tonight. not tonight — i love you."

boydfiles​:

of course that’s how he feels. ever since he laid eyes on her, ever since lunchtimes together outside of school became a regular occurrence, ever since he has grown so unconditionally comfortable with her, he has felt it. he has known that she’s special. comfortability blended with love so fast that he almost missed it.

that’s the beauty of it, though, isn’t it? he loves her without having to think about it. calls her, invites her here without hesitation. a juvenile burst of glee when she picks up, when she arrives. it is a fairytale, to a degree. one that he’s read involving torment and despair throughout, a replication of their lives separate from each other. but the ending? the happy, rewarding ending … that’s what this is. that’s what they are. a good old-fashioned love story whose spine is to hold many pages to come. a new volume. a cliché beginning where they control the narrative.

it would be foolish to deny himself this, and let his insecurities tear down these walls. deny her this transparent safety that he can’t comprehend how he provides, but is grateful that he’s able to. has he not spent three decades in that same routine, with different people? has he learned nothing of the privilege of knowing her?

“i’d never let anything hurt you,” he murmurs, free hand rising to stroke her cheek with its side. and he wouldn’t. he would die for her. sometimes he wonders if that will happen; if another set of hormonal, bloodthirsty teenagers will come out of the shadows to find her, hunt her. it seems inevitable, based on history alone, but that does not mean he wouldn’t fight, nor that this isn’t worth it.

he’d allow himself to be slaughtered a hundred times if it meant they could stay be each other’s side.

“and i’m not trying to now, i just … this isn’t easy for me. i’ve had people willing for something like this and then … well, they find out.”

he laughs, sadly. sometimes that’s all you can do when you’re about to risk the greatest opportunity of your life with something you can never change.

he brings their hands up to the centre of his chest, beating of his heart detectable through the layers of wool and cotton. a beat so strong he could throw up ( or maybe that’s the nerves. either or ).

“i wasn’t born like this, kirby. not the way i should’ve been. not like some other lucky bastard out there who takes everything for granted and … ” he shakes his head, focusing on the floor. that’s irrelevant. “someone who doesn’t need to fix themselves to live fully. to pay for the right parts. to … have to prove to everyone that they really are a man, or a woman, or whatever. ‘cause a lot don’t think i am. my folks sure didn’t. friends, neighbours, it … not the most liberal bunch in the world, let’s just say that.”

he hopes this isn’t vague. that she has the emotional intelligence to understand — even if it means she’ll walk out of here and never want to see him again.

“that’s why i left home, to … get away from everyone, who knew me before. to really be me, without constantly feeling like something bad was gonna happen for it. and i was right to ‘cause … god, kirby, who am i without you?”

his eyes flicker back to her, small smile toying on his lips, betraying the trembles of his tone and hands. there is no him without her, anymore. maybe there never was. he doesn’t know what he’ll do if this proves to be a mistake.

“but you can’t … you can’t love me like i love you if you don’t know. that’s not fair, or unconditional, or … honest. i’ve wanted to be, i have, for — for so long, kirby. really, so … so now you know. now you can … ”

you can go if you want to, he should say. he doesn’t have the strength to, but there is something he always knows how to:

“i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry.”

with that , with him , she wants to feel something real , something that doesn’t feel like it’s out of a movie – kirby doesn’t know how long her feelings will last , considering that she’s not too open about things , that she doesn’t know what to do because she fears that it’ll be something . . that’s outside of everything she knows . but with him ? it feels perfect , she feels balanced – at home , unlike most people have allowed her to have . with harvey , she feels like she could step forward , leave everything behind . the hurt , the harm , the scars that she carries with herself .

it’s nice to think that someone like him feels the same way as someone like her . buried , trapped , for some reason – living in this limbo where she feels like she can’t fully live her life to the extent that she wants to because she’s worried that she’s going to get another phone call , someone taunting her , telling her how she’s going to die . kirby knows that she doesn’t have to live alone , because she has him , she always will have him . everything she owns & is will be his , in fact . there’s nothing that could change her mind of it , even so . the way that he makes her feel , to allow her own heart to beat again , for someone else .

to her , it seems like forever since she’s had this , the love , the kind feeling she gets when she sees him . the lost feeling gone & away , seeing how he’s there , to protect her . to show her that there’s more to life than feeling the way she does ( & being in therapy does nothing to help her , instead , gives her bullshit excuses . ) hell , she’s gotten so used to their routine that she doesn’t want anyone taking up his space , because it’s his . he’s special to her , he always will be .

“ & i wouldn’t let anyone touch you , ” she lets out , deep breathing , feeling his fingers touching at her cheek , the warmth of it all , making her heart yearn for more . if it were to happen again , she would do anything – especially die for him – because she believes that his life is worth more than hers , because she knows that he deserves to live , even more than she does . she’s happy , that he saved her from all of this , the pain . the reliving of it all , everyday . “ you’re worth everything . ”

she feels complete , with him in her life . with him teaching her that life is so much more than being a victim , than hiding from someone – a group of insane teenagers – although , she worries , deep down , for him . in the sense that he’d go off & sacrifice himself for her , in that case , he doesn’t need to . seeing how he’s done so much for her , that she doesn’t want his life to be taken away , but she’d allow hers to be . she would step on front of a moving train if it meant that he could live for himself , & that’s the truth .

“ i wouldn’t leave you . i’ve had people leave – i wouldn’t do that to you , because you don’t deserve it . ”

there’s a lump that resides in her throat , wondering what to say that already doesn’t confirm how she really feels for him . with hands padded along his shirt , feeling his heart beat against it , she smiles fondly . biting the inside of her cheek as she’s contemplating things , the comforting of sentences to really say to him , as her eyes are on him , like he’s the only person in this world .

“ i’m not asking you to change . i never would ask that of you , harvey . i like you the way that you are , for who you are . ” she’s affirming , with this look of pure adoration for the other , knowing that he possibly feels the same way that she does – hopefully . “ i want you the way that you are . i like you the way that you are because we fit together . because everything about us makes a lot more sense once you really think about it . “ 

& she doesn’t mean it just to say it , nonetheless , she means everything that she says , because it’s true . there’s no her without him , there’s nothing without him in her life . he could confess anything to her & she wouldn’t dare budge , not even go anywhere . he means that much to her , insanely so . all in all , she truly wants to know what he thinks of her , how he sees her – all of it .

” seems like we both managed to start over at the right time , hm ? meeting one another . . seems like fate , doesn’t it ? “ she chuckles , attempting on making it a lighthearted revision before she relaxes , digging herself into his touch even more . ” i don’t regret anything that comes to you , i really don’t . who am i without you , harvey ? no one . that’s who i am . you give me so much purpose , you don’t even know it . “

kirby doesn’t want her life if he isn’t in it , clear as day . she would rather face ghostface again , than lose him . & she means it in honesty , with the fact that he’s changed her life in more ways than one – that she wants to keep him forever , if she could . if he would let her , is the thing .

” i feel like you underestimate how i truly feel for you . you say all these things , but it doesn’t stop me from feeling the way i should , like you’re my home . i could take one long , good look at you and sigh at the heavens for someone like you . you’re going to take a lot more than that to convince me of other things . “

kirby isn’t going down without a fight , even if she has to spill how she really feels for him , she’ll do it . even if she has to lean in & kiss him , to remind him that he is her home .

” you have nothing to be sorry for . “

[anunkindncss]

⛸️: Our muses go ice-skating together (at an ice rink or frozen body of water). / pspsps, harry and peter! <3

Sometimes, Peter could forget how much he and Harry were alike despite their vastly different worlds. But when they got together, like tonight, he could remember that their bond wasn't something to be contested. It was natural as breathing. "You know, you had me worried there for a minute." He admitted, gliding along and circling around Harry with a chuckle. "I thought your pop had finally sucked you into the brainwash machine of business."

[littledots]

thank you to @moonshinaes for being so considerate and kind and reconnecting me with one of my favorite writing partners and friends, @deathwritings !!!!

[unlevshed-archive]

closed starter for @moonshinaes

Taking a long sip from his beer, Steve tried his best to listen to another guest’s story about his family and only nodded his head to show that he was present, but inside he wished he could kick Sam’s ass for making him go. The other was busy with handling the New Avengers and the missions that they got recently, that he asked Steve to a party for appearance - and well, he did owe him. At one point, he excused himself to get some fresh air and let out a sigh. ❛ These kind of parties are really not my thing, especially when I’m already in retirement ❜, he mumbled more to himself than to the other person who happened to be there too, not knowing that it was the owner of Oscorp Industries themselves, Harry Osborn.

[nyctcphiliacs]

moonshinaes​:

“ i haven’t a clue what you’re talking about , ” shoulders shrugging as her gaze stays on the other , with a lightened sigh leaving her lips – in a calm demeanor , wanting to say something , but not coming into the accused’s defense . “ they’re just my friend , zack . think you’re quite delusional , but that’s just me . ”

“How convenient-” Zack nods slowly barely able to keep his own annoyance under wraps and the way she reacted did nothing but edge him closer to breaking point. Dark hues roll, “Wow- Delusional huh?” Nodding again but this time his jaw is set and his gaze is anywhere but on her. “Real fucking nice. Couldn’t be that maybe I’m seeing something you can’t huh?”

[kumsal-thingss]

Bütün gece balkonda oturup sokağı ve sessizliği dinleyebilirim. Elimde bir fincan çay ve gökyüzünde yıldızlar...

[boydfiles]

@moonshinaes asked for: — "you’re who i want to kiss at midnight on new year's eve."

those words render an instant warmth to shroud him, a light chuckle falling from his lips. still so foreign, this feeling, these confessions — as simple as they may be to everyone else. to him, they remain inconceivable, yet paired with a gratitude that no year has offered him so far. a true new beginning: one that he can anticipate, rather than dread.

"is that so?" he says, leaning forward suggestively, grin plastered on his visage. "i dunno. i'm not sure i can wait that long."

[touchbased]

CLOSED  STARTER  FOR  @moonshinaes​​ !

hadn’t  planned  on  running  into  her  ex  at  her  best  friend’s  last  minute  hometown  reunion ,  but  then  again .  who  ever  did ?   “  oh ,  hey !  i ,  uh ...  didn’t  think  you’d  actually  make  it .  ”

[ficedvla]

“please just go.” / steps in with billy <3

THREE WORD STARTERS PT. 2

lee   should   listen   and   leave   --   he’s   good   at   that   ,   after   all.   maybe   it’s   time   to   move   on   to   a   new   town.   but   he   hasn’t   been   here   that   long   and   a   part   of   him   wants   to   stick   around   a   little   longer.   he   kind   of   likes   it   here.

‘   let   me   help.   ’

he   doesn’t   know   what   he’s   offering   --   what   he   can   offer   --   but   against   his   better   judgement   ,   lee   moves   closer   toward   the   stranger   ,   his   face   earnest.

@moonshinaes  

[troublesomemix]

CLOSED starter for @moonshinaes​  || ft. austin

austin was by no means a ‘glamper’. he understood the benefits of course, but he had no access to such a lifestyle. a tent was going to have to do, and he was great with that. the rest of the group was in a mix of campers and tens, all circled around in a large ring with the group huddled in the middle. the campfire before them was still bright and healthy;; sparks popping near the base. austin intentionally sat down next to the girl he had his eye on, with an offering of s’mores in each hand. the man let out a deep breath as he sat, making himself comfortable. “ want one? ” a hand extended the freshly made treat. “ after all, is it really camping if you don't eat s’mores? ”

[boydfiles]

"so this is my fault?"

he doesn't mean that so abrasively — but how else is he supposed to feel? he has been selfless; so much so that he has been selfish to himself. allowing billy to rule his life, jeopardise his career, control every little thing that jeremiah has known — and it was all in the name of a love he cannot recognise. one that, as he scans them over in search of something to assure him they didn't mean it, is an illusion. he detects the shame, but not dishonesty.

even as billy speaks, opens a crack of their heart to grant him a view of the inside, he still does not know if this is something to be believed. because they are correct in one regard: they have never been normal. once, jeremiah loved that. he loved the individuality that came with this devotion; the suspense that each new day would bring. the confidence that nothing in his life would ever be boring again, and that billy felt this, too, even silently. that obsession was parallel to adoration, and that he never had to worry about things going awry so long as they had that.

now, he is overwhelmed with uncertainty. not for his love for them, not in a million years ... but the opposite side.

he turns the band on his ring finger, swallowing hard. they aren't the only one with repressed sentimentality.

"you're not a monster. not ... not the way people think you are. not the way you do. i know there's more. i know you don't mean this. to ... to act like one."

he does. he cannot forget the reactions to his decision to pursue billy: cold, perplexed outlooks that jeremiah understood but couldn't understand in a way that could break this bond. their last partner is still paying for their crime. more and more have since. and still, he stayed. still, he stands. still, is he so naïve, after so many years?

perhaps, if he's standing here with his heart bleeding upon the cold floorboards and still billy has the audacity to suggest that his good nature is why they are here: broken up and alone and hungry for something more. perhaps it is his turn to wield the knife. that seems to be the only thing they respond to anymore ( or, indeed, at all ).

"i didn't want this to end. every night i helped you. waited for you — kept it warm and all i got was — was mess! and i still wouldn't leave you. i still wanted — want — something but ... "

he wipes his eyes with the heel of his palm, turning away to face the wall. he thought he was good. he thought he could do good in this world — and instead, he traded it in for a serial killer who knows nothing of control and everything of harm. weaned on poison, abandoned when the last drop was squeezed. jeremiah knows this, perhaps better than anyone, but he had not anticipated to be dosed, too. intoxicated by love, then fear, then exhaustion. resilience prevailed, so they kept on going.

but as he cries, he knows. he knows what needs to be done.

pure, poisonous honesty.

"i don't want to be another maureen prescott, billy. another sidney. she didn't do anything to you. not ... not the way you keep saying. i don't want that to be me. to be anyone else, you ... you can't live like this. all those people had names, families. the one we could have had if you just stopped."

that's why he became a detective, wasn't it? to help people. bring forth justice to those unfortunate and pained. and what has he achieved, in these years? who has he helped besides a suspected murderer, slipping them through the cracks and protecting their life, when one lost was mangled on their kitchen floor? he has the stomach for it, yes. but not the conscience — nor the will to let billy go. to surrender them ( and himself ) to the dogs, and watch them get eaten alive by the entire world. he cannot watch his entire world die by his hand. his sunshine on a rainy day. his laughter over the phone late at night. comfortable silence on a busy day. everything he ever wanted.

in his good, he is all bad — but billy balances this out. how could things ever be so bad with them both against the world. who minds hatred when they love him? what has he got to lose?

he dries his tears, sinking into a chair, head pounding from his scattered thoughts. he has something to lose. if billy cannot love him so, he has already lost everything.

"i don't want to be them. i want to be me — i want you to love me," he makes out, rasping quietly for breath, growing surer that his whole diaphragm will cave in and he'll replicate one of the many bags of bones on their floor. "i don't know how to be good enough for you, billy. i don't know what you want me to do to make ... to make things with me good enough to stop hurting people. to stop hurting me."

indeed, he is already hurt. they both are. a common, albeit hidden, theme with their encounters since their separation. they can laugh, joke, and drink a night away, but they cannot drown this.

"if this is all my fault, okay. i'm sorry. but just ... just finish me off so i don't have to live with it. i can't. i dunno how to live without you."

boydfiles​:

does  he  know  why  he  loves  them,  at  this  point?  has  that  ever  been  a  question  with  an  instantaneous,  thoughtful  answer  that  will  satisfy  billy  in  the  way  they  so  desperately  need  to  be?  to  ease  the  pain,  the  anger,  the  hatred  that  he  knows  lies  beneath  the  surface  —  sometimes  too  thinly-veiled  that  he  had  lost  confidence  in  their  security.  that,  if  they  were  not  the  demise  of  this  relationship,  a  life  sentence  —  or  worse  —  would  be.  an  execution  inside  of  a  small  mercy.

maybe  it  was  a  straightforward  question,  once  upon  a  time.  maybe  it  still  is  —  but  jeremiah  isn’t  sure  how.  but  he  knows  his  feelings  are  straightforward:  the  same  burning  in  his  chest  erupts  each  time  he’s  near  them,  finding  himself  almost  incomprehensible.  being  so  at  ease  that  it  comes  as  natural  as  breathing.  to  live  for  them  is  to  live  at  all.  that  a  part  of  him  is  missing  each  time  billy  is.

but,  then  —  that’s  what  it  felt  like  to  be  married  to  them:  endless  apprehension  that  they  would  never  come  home,  that  they’d  come  off  having  bitten  of  more  than  either  of  them  can  chew.  the  once-excitement  having  fizzled  out  faster  than  they  anticipated.  everything  having  done  so.  in  the  blink  of  an  eye,  it  was  over.

and  yet  …  he’s  back  here.  right  where  they  started. right  where  he  should  be.

“because  you’re  you,”  he  settles  with,  scrubbing  his  face  with  his  palm.  unsteady.  "because  i’ve  never  met  anyone  like  you.  i  never  will  again.  you’re  …  you  don’t  know  how  special  you  are.  i  don’t  expect  you  to.  i  don’t  expect  anything  from  you.  not  even  —  not  even  to  feel  the  same  anymore.“

his  voice  shakes,  there.  not  because  he  didn’t  know  that  it’s  a  possibility  he  has  made  a  grave  error  in  his  judgment  and  that  billy  feels  nothing  for  him,  but  because  it’s  real  now.  he  could  be  nothing  but  a  band  of  silver  in  a  drawer,  long  forgotten  about  in  the  thrill  of  the  hunt.  in  the  cold  mornings,  dark  afternoons.  in  anything  that  they  do.  after  all  this  time,  could  his  reduction  to  an  afterthought  be  true?  could  his  worst  fears  be  reality?  if  billy  does  not  love  him,  can  anyone,  anymore?

it  doesn’t  matter  if  they  can’t.  jeremiah  had  already  made  up  his  mind  before  he  arrived  here  tonight,  before  dinner  one  sunday  ago,  before  the  divorce  was  final.

billy  is  the  only  one  —  and  perhaps  he  does  hate  them,  even  the  slightest  bit,  for  it.  for  corrupting  him.  hates  himself  more  for  loving  too  much  and  accepting  so  little.  being  given  so  little,  when  he  knows  his  heart  cannot  survive  on  scraps  of  one  it  wishes  it  could  stop  knowing.  for  expecting  flowers  and  dinner  in  the  doorway  instead  of  blood  and  guts  and  a  ticket  for  a  sleepless  night,  instead  of  a  restful  one  with  them  by  his  side.

“if  you  could  believe  it,  then  …  then  maybe  being  around  you  would  be  easier.  maybe  we  would  be  a  little more  normal.  the  way  it  …  ”

were  they  ever  so  domestic?  a  beat  passes.

“just  …  trust  how  much  i  love  you.  please.”

do they even know why they love him ? they do , because he’s selfless , because he’s helped them throughout everything , because he loves them , more than anything . more than most – & they love him , even though , sometimes it’s hard to express it , because they don’t know how to tell him . not without small smiles here , the needing to want to show it in different ways , although , billy’s completely in love with him , they always have been . to be honest , he provided the security that they didn’t think that they would have , & with jeremiah , billy always felt safe . loved , made sure that they were cared for , however , in some parts , it made them feel empty on the inside . thinking about whether or not they were truly good enough for him , that they weren’t rotten enough to the point where he’d walk out on them . with every glance they took at him , remembering everything they’ve done , their dates , their fights , all of that . it brings billy to this sense of home that they never thought that they’d never have , until him .

the thing is , billy wants to live for him , for them . for everything that they’ve fought for , done . everything that makes them feel like they have this sense of living . with thoughts that riddle their mind at night – they’re wondering what to do . billy doesn’t know what to do , with wanting to feel something , with wanting to belong somewhere , because they feel lost . they’ve felt lost , before him . & still , they feel that same loneliness , the pure emptiness that resides in their gut , it rests there . deep down , they feel something for him . love , regret , anger , all of it . love because he’s the only one that’s seen them for what they really are , yet , did things to make sure that they’d be happy . regret , for the fact that billy’s shown him the other sides that they’ve had . parts of their parents , parts of them killing : all of it . anger because of what happened . the divorce , it got . . messy . got to the point where billy was the one , the obsessive one – in terms of ’ if i can’t have you , no one can . ’ the most possessive nature that they’ve ever experienced , felt .

to say their marriage was hopeful , that it gave them hope on something that was new , that would change them , however , it didn’t . it made them crave what they knew they craved . to see someone under them , blood & all . to see someone’s guts spill out as they’re cutting into skin , with a widened smile on their face . billy wanted to change , god , they did . they wanted to change so bad that they let their inner thoughts take over . that they allowed for their cravings to consume them , the darkest of the darkest , in fact .

jeremiah’s right there , right in front of them – wanting to reach out , to touch the other . it makes them feel like the first time they really , really got to look at him . someone so pure that they dreamt of ruining him . & they did . god , they did . ruined him to the point where they could see the nothingness in his eyes , though , with love still stemming for him : they’re selfish , aren’t they ?

” because i’m a monster ? “ they’re asking , with this sarcastic chuckle leaving their lips so freely , allowing for a scoff to come out – not meaning to sound the utmost . . hurtful , nonetheless , they’re curious to see what he still sees in them , now . ” you don’t think i love you ? you don’t think that i would’ve done anything for you ? “ because i would’ve . delayed words , as billy’s taking a deep breath , allowing for their chest to go up & down , not wanting to blow up at him . they could never , considering that they still love him . that he is everything that they wish they could be .

if billy could show how much they still love him , adore him , they would . but no , they’re deciding against it , as to not wanting to be vulnerable , to spill their guts everywhere & get hurt . bold enough for him to actually assume that they’ve gotten rid of their ring , or stored it away . funnily enough , billy still wears it : to feel the sensation of feeling loved , to pretend that he’s still there , living with them , taking up space – & honestly so , they’ve regretted not taking his last name at the time of their marriage . they preferred their own for so long that the thought alone , of taking someone else’s last name , would make them feel lost .

they don’t know how to express it , if only he could see how they felt about him , if only . . they could’ve fixed it all , although , divorced & all , billy already feels gone . not something they’d like to admit to him , though . not something they’d like to admit to anyone , considering that it feels like a sin , just to think about it .

he’s allowed to hate them , he really is . just as much as they’re allowed to hate him . do they hate him ? are they so enamored with wanting to see blood , with wanting to see death – that they’re blind to feeling anything else ? this was a marriage that billy was supposed to fight for , not themselves for letting it happen , for not trying hard enough , for coming home covered in blood , dead body in the car . during their marriage , before coming home to him , they’d sit in their car , they’d scream , yell , hit the driver’s wheel for doing it again . for shielding the way that they currently feel , just to act like they weren’t committing a crime .

” were we ever normal ? aside from hiding bodies , did we ever do anything that screamed ’ happily married ’ ? i feel like – we did things , abnormal things , things a couple shouldn’t do , but we did . “

it comes out way too casual , with billy looking away from him , ashamed .

” trust you ? i did that with every part of my living body . look where that got us . a divorce . empty rooms , silence . me pretending that you’re still at home — ring still on my finger . “