#monte nido

[dietpillsanddietcoke]

More Treatment

More treatment.

More insurance fights.

More flights to far-off distant places

…hoping I can find healing in their walls

More treatment.

More tremors.

More walking into vast unknowns.

More treatment.

More sleepless nights.

More crying till my eyes dry out.

More treatment.

More tears.

More retelling the same stories.

Until maybe…

(just maybe)

…their words won’t hold me captive anymore.

[jobkash]

Recovery Coach

We save lives while providing the opportunity for people to realize their healthy selves.:Recovery CoachMonte Nido PortlandWest Linn, ORMonte Nido Portland located in West Linn, OR is a residential treatment program exclusively for adults seeking treatment for Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder, or Exercise Addiction. Monte Nido’s treatment approach focuses on the…

[iwatcheditbegin]

I’m in iop too, just finished php. Insurance basically forced me into a lower level tno.

if you don’t mind me asking what program are you doing? I’m at a Erc and hate it sm

Insurance and all these treatment centers being owned by private equity groups is such an issue. Insurance also kicked me out of residential before I was ready

I am doing iop at a CFD ;)

[t-annhauser]

Basta aprire un fico e metterci dentro il dito per capire come mai fica era già usato dai greci e dai latini per indicare l'organo sessuale femminile, non ci vuole un professore, figa è invece la variante settentrionale ("fica, non figa", Michele Apicella, Ecce Bombo, agevolo filmato). Fessa è invece prettamente meridionale, con il significato di fessura ("quella fessa che tieni ov’han la bocca le persone", Carducci). Mona è veneto, di origine incerta (si potrebbe arrischiare un'assonanza con monna, ma fermiamci qui). Passera è toscano, come topa, a suggerire una predilezione dei toscani per il crine, idem sorca, ma romano. Patata con riferimento forse al monte di Venere. Dove sono cresciuto, nel basso mantovano, erano in voga due termini: gnal, cioè nido, e brögna, prugna, entrambi di facile lettura. Il napoletano, sempre esagerato, la chiama pucchiacca, da portulaca, o erba fratesca, ma c'è chi ne dà un'interpretazione a dir poco epica, dal greco pyr (fuoco) e koliòs (fodero): fodera di fuoco. Vulva è latino che richiama le valve, mentre vagina è latino per guaina/fodera (gladius vagina vacuus, cioè la spada sguainata dal fodero vuoto, vacuus). Prossimo excursus: il pene (ho preferito iniziare dalle signore per galanteria).

[stonerskinny]

met w my old dietician today

she is “concerned for my physical wellbeing”

i emailed the admissions person from monte nido as a result

she was mildly concerned at first and then i explained what a typical day of eating looks like and she said that my body is basically rejecting food at this point. and then she asked about chest pain and dizziness and i said 1-2 time per week and 3x per day, respectively, and then she started throwing around words like malnutrition and became very on board with the whole res idea. so.

she also said that i have lost a “significant amount of weight” over the last YEAR which is funny because it’s only been five months. and particularly she is concerned about the last month because ive lost ~17lb.

i love my life! this is my nightmare! and i will be meeting with her weekly until i admit because she wants to try to “keep things stable” which is funny because she hadn’t even seen my bloodwork or EKGs or anything when we met (don’t worry she had me send it all to her after)

perhaps things r more dire than i thought

[drei-satzzeichen]

Cotta: Aber wenn der Mann inkognito bleiben will, dann muss man das respektieren. Und daher darf ich euch auch nicht sagen, dass er in Monte Nido wohnt. Obwohl ihr mich nicht in Ruhe lassen werdet, bis ich damit rausrücke.

Justus: Nein, da haben Sie recht. Und auch die Straße dürfen Sie uns natürlich nicht nennen.

Cotta: Nein, nein, die Cold Canyon Road 1017? Nein, nein, auf gar keinen Fall.

Justus: Aber wenn Sie es uns gesagt hätten, hätte niemand jemals erfahren, dass wir es von Ihnen wissen.

Cotta: Och, das beruhigt mich. Ja, aber da ich nichts gesagt habe, müssen wir uns darüber ja auch nicht den Kopf zerbrechen, nicht wahr?

Justus: Nein. Trotzdem danke! Einen schönen Tag noch, Inspektor!

- drei Fragezeichen out of context, oder: so sollte das immer ablaufen, wenn Justus Informationen von Cotta will.

[ochoislas]

OFELIA

I

Sobre la linfa negra en que los astros duermen, flota la blanca Ofelia como una azucena; solevada en sus velos, flota muy despacio. En los bosques resuena una lejana cuerna.

Son ya más de mil años que la triste Ofelia discurre, blanco espectro, por el negro río. Son ya más de mil años que su tierna insania murmura su romance al viento vespertino.

Besa el aura sus pechos y en cáliz distiende vastos velos que mece laciamente el agua. El sauce estremecido sobre su hombro llora, la soñadora sien se inclina a espiar la caña.

Suspíranle en redor las rozadas ninfeas. Y tal vez sobresalta en un aliso quieto un nido del que escapa un parvo repeluzno. Los astros de oro vierten su cantar secreto.

II

¡Pálida Ofelia, ay, como un ampo de nieve, niña fuiste a morir, raptada por un río! Un viento que caló de montes de Noruega de aceda libertad te suspiró al oído.

Desconocido soplo, azotando tu pelo, tu genio soñador llenó de extrañas voces; tu atento corazón la Natura escuchaba si el árbol se quejaba, espiraba la noche.

Como inmenso estertor, la voz de los océanos, tu pecho niño hendía, humano y vulnerable; y tal alba de abril un trasojado príncipe, fue a sentarse a tus pies… y calló, pobre orate.

Cielo, Amor, Libertad: ¡fueron sueños de loca! Te fundías en él como nieve en el fuego. Ligaban tu garganta visiones grandiosas… y espantó tu ojo azul el Infinito horrendo.

III

Y refiere el cantor que a la luz de los astros, flores de tu corona vas buscando a tientas… y que ha visto en el agua, acostada en sus velos, flotar la blanca Ofelia, igual que una azucena.

*

OPHÉLIE

I

Sur l'onde calme et noire où dorment les étoiles La blanche Ophélia flotte comme un grand lys, Flotte très lentement, couchée en ses longs voiles… — On entend dans les bois lointains des hallalis.

Voici plus de mille ans que la triste Ophélie Passe, fantôme blanc, sur le long fleuve noir ; Voici plus de mille ans que sa douce folie Murmure sa romance à la brise du soir.

Le vent baise ses seins et déploie en corolle Ses grands voiles bercés mollement par les eaux ; Les saules frissonnants pleurent sur son épaule, Sur son grand front rêveur s'inclinent les roseaux.

Les nénuphars froissés soupirent autour d'elle ; Elle éveille parfois, dans un aune qui dort, Quelque nid, d'où s'échappe un petit frisson d'aile : — Un chant mystérieux tombe des astres d'or.

II

Ô pâle Ophélia ! belle comme la neige ! Oui tu mourus, enfant, par un fleuve emporté ! C'est que les vents tombant des grand monts de Norwège T'avaient parlé tout bas de l'âpre liberté ;

C'est qu'un souffle, tordant ta grande chevelure, À ton esprit rêveur portait d'étranges bruits ; Que ton cœur écoutait le chant de la Nature Dans les plaintes de l'arbre et les soupirs des nuits ;

C'est que la voix des mers folles, immense râle, Brisait ton sein d'enfant, trop humain et trop doux ; C'est qu'un matin d'avril, un beau cavalier pâle, Un pauvre fou, s'assit muet à tes genoux !

Ciel ! Amour ! Liberté ! Quel rêve, ô pauvre Folle ! Tu te fondais à lui comme une neige au feu : Tes grandes visions étranglaient ta parole — Et l'Infini terrible effara ton œil bleu !

III

— Et le Poète dit qu'aux rayons des étoiles Tu viens chercher, la nuit, les fleurs que tu cueillis ; Et qu'il a vu sur l'eau, couchée en ses longs voiles, La blanche Ophélia flotter, comme un grand lys.

Arthur Rimbaud

di-versión©ochoislas

[bitacoradeunadialover]

¿Tienes algunos headcanons sobre cómo podrían ser los territorios de los clanes Águila, Lobo y Víbora? Gracias a los CGs y backgrounds de Vandead Carnival, Dark Fate y Lunatic Parade sabemos que el Makai es un enorme mundo lleno de hermosos paisajes naturales, sobretodo bosques, acantilados, montañas y ríos, (muy al estilo europeo). Pero me gusta imaginar que cada territorio debe tener sus propias características.

Al menos sabemos (por Dark Fate) que el territorio de los Fundadores o al menos su castillo está sobre un acantilado.

¡Sí, tengo ((๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)ﻭ*⁠.⁠✧!

Aclaración 1: voy a agregar al Clan Murciélago porque leí mal la pregunta y lo terminé agregando por accidente lol.

Aclaración 2: Hice mapas del Mundo de los Demonios para esquematizar lo que voy relatando ^_^

El Clan Murciélago tiene un territorio similar a los Cárpatos Romaníes: montes, montañas y bosques; todo con mucha flora y fauna viva. Los pueblos aledaños a los principales castillos y ciudades recuerdan a construcciones del Mundo Humano, con características muy propias de las edificaciones de Europa del Este.

Esto no es casualidad. Bien sabido es por todos los miembros del Clan Murciélago que Karlheinz ha hecho todo esto —incluído apropiarse de detalles como desfiles y carnavales— para llevar cierta cultura humana al Mundo de los Demonios.

Por esta misma razón, la primera impresión del lugar resulta bastante contradictoria para tratarse del hábitat natural de los demonios: muy civilizado y humanizado, con tiendas, casas y composición estructural general propia de una ciudad europea rural humana que ha permanecido intacta a lo largo del tiempo.

El Clan Águila, por el contrario, es poseedor de territorios montañosos, y por esto viven en las alturas (por encima del Clan Murciélago, para ubicarlos en el mapa).

Algo así, para esquematizar, como los Alpes suizos.

Sus construcciones más importantes (como castillos y palacios) estarían hechos en y con las mismas piedras de las montañas. Por sus grandes habilidades para la construcción, que suelen ser imponentemente bellas, se han ganado gran renombre en el Makai.

Las ciudades van cuesta arriba y las casas son como cabañas de madera —diferenciándose así de las construcciones complejas apropiadas por Karlheinz del Mundo Humano—.

El clima, conforme aumenta la altura, se torna más y más frío y con algo de nieve, pero al mismo tiempo —sobre todo al llegar a los pies de las montañas— con mucho verde y mucha fauna salvaje, similar al territorio del Murciélago.

El Clan Víbora posee un territorio que se extiende más allá del Clan Murciélago (por debajo de este), directamente en un terreno de mesetas y formaciones rocosas (restos de lo que alguna vez fueron sistemas montañosos propios, pero que ahora se han erosionado y perdido con el tiempo), estando así delimitado por los demás clanes.

El beneficio que tiene esta tierra es la gran cantidad de ríos y lagos; su defecto es que no posee grandes espacios verdes.

Es el Clan con mayor cantidad de castillos a lo largo y ancho de su territorio, y restos de otros tantos que han permanecido como recuerdo de guerras pasadas, sirviendo de muestra fehaciente de la fuerza y la riqueza de este clan.

Un único sendero guía a través de todos los pueblos que se alzan alrededor de este único camino, desembocando, finalmente, en el gran castillo del rey actual.

Lo imagino algo así como la conocida “Ruta de los nidos de Águila” en Polonia, y con la estructura poblacional de Suloszowa (también ubicado en Polonia).

El Clan Lobo es conocido por su orden social, que se encuentra clasificado en Casas de Familias, y que se dividen en nobles, sirvientes, comerciantes y artesanos. A cada Casa de Familia le corresponde una porción de tierra (aldeas), y de acuerdo a la posición socioeconómica de la misma estará ubicada más cerca del castillo del rey.

Toda su población se encuentra dentro de un espeso bosque, más precisamente en el centro del mismo. Parte de estos bosques fueron, alguna vez, propiedad del Clan Águila.

El Clan Lobo tiene una conexión muy fuerte con la naturaleza, siendo así el clan considerado menos actualizado de todos, ya que continúan rigiéndose por antiguas reglas y tradiciones propias de su raza. Por esta misma razón, tienen como principal prioridad que sus construcciones se encuentren en estrecha armonía con la naturaleza.

Aun así, pese a la apreciación anticuada que el resto de los clanes mantienen del Clan Lobo, éste es rico cultural, social y económicamente. La gran mayoría de los territorios fértiles se dividen entre el Clan Lobo y el Clan Murciélago, por lo que éstos tienden a desarrollar actividades económicas que los vuelven indispensables para el resto de las economías.

Contrario a los clanes anteriores, el Clan Lobo no es extremadamente lujoso respecto a los castillos y edificación noble. La armonía, el orden y los roles dentro de cada casa son los pilares fundamentales de su raza, y esto se aplica también a la hora de construir.

BONUS: Mapa del Makai antes de la guerra contra Giesbach

me gusta dibujar mapas, perdón :"^)

Espero que te sea útil y que te haya gustado, ¡muchísimas gracias por preguntar! ~♡

[kiki-de-la-petite-flaque]

Con la Transiberiana ci volevano dieci giorni per arrivare a Mosca. Un viaggio che tocca il profondo di chiunque lo faccia. Bowie scelse di viaggiare in un vagone deluxe, due cuccette, una toilette e un bagno da condividere. Rimase quasi da subito chiuso nel suo scompartimento, forse ancora prigioniero di Ziggy Stardust, dell’uomo caduto sulla terra, ma durò pochissimo. Non poteva non accorgersi di cosa c’era oltre il suo scompartimento, oltre quello spazio privilegiato. Non esiste alcun modo di evitare il mondo, soprattutto in un vagone della Transiberiana. Si accorse della prima classe, con quattro cuccette per scompartimento. Notò la classe inferiore, con le cuccette fino al soffitto e la gente che dormiva per terra.

Il treno fermava a ogni stazione e dopo quasi ottocento chilometri, quando il viaggio non era che all’inizio, a Khabarovsk Bowie dovette cambiare treno. Dal finestrino scorrevano forme del mondo ancora vicine e comprensibili. Una casa bianca con il tetto azzurro spiovente. La vegetazione ai lati del binario. La campagna, i passaggi a livello, qualche vettura. Sulle cime alte degli alberi denudati qualche volatile aveva costruito il nido dove far crescere i piccoli. Il ponte sul fiume Amur. La distesa ampia e grigia delle acque. Le nuvole basse all’orizzonte. I primi segnali di una terra desolata. Un bosco di betulle. Ogni quindici minuti il treno si fermava a una cittadina dimessa e povera. Qualcosa cominciava a mutare. Il paesaggio attinge sempre a elementi semplici, una casa, un monte, una nuvola, per cambiare. Fino a quando, però, non arriva la Siberia. Perché quel che si vedrà allora sarà completamente diverso da quel che si è visto prima.

Federico Pace, Controvento, Einaudi

[pizzabirraypopper]

Caminata

Hoy no fui a trabajar, pero mejor no hablo del tema. En cambio, salí a caminar para despejarme un rato y aprovechar la mañana cálida de finales de invierno. Llegue hasta un monte de eucaliptos que está a pocas cuadras de donde vivo y caminé entre los árboles altos repletos de nidos de aves. Al lado del monte está la estación de trenes y unos metros más allá hay un bar al cual suelo ir de vez en cuando. Toda esa zona está casi desierta a la mañana, también el monte. Lo recorrí por un sendero que lo rodea más bien por la parte exterior y que permite apreciarlo casi en su totalidad. Me detuve con la intención de tomar algunas fotos y de intentar retener un poco del aire fresco que corría por entre los troncos altos. El césped es de un verde intenso, aunque no crece demasiado en esta temporada y por partes se encuentra cubierto por hojas secas y algunas ramas. Sigo caminando y encuentro a un hombre juntando algunas ramas que sostiene apretándolas con la mano menos hábil contra su pecho y que de seguro va a utilizar para encender el fuego de la parrilla. Ya no me detengo, aunque el lugar invita a quedarse un rato más, sigo camino. Su misma energía me mueve a continuar. Al salir se restaura el movimiento de la ciudad. Un hombre pasa en motocicleta y deja en el aire una estela de perfume que puedo sentir por varios segundos después de haber desaparecido de mi vista. El sol me da de frente durante las últimas cuadras que me separan de mi casa y demoro los pasos sabiendo que quizás no lo vuelva a ver por un buen rato. Llego y la casa está vacía y en silencio.

[dietpillsanddietcoke]

“An Ode To The Women Who’ve Joined My Journey”

I met my first dead friend in rehab.  

She’s the first 

of a few 

of what I can only assume will become many funerals I will attend 

for the far-too-young.

But the privilege of loving someone deeply enough to grieve,

means that I’ve had the privilege to not imagine life without them in it. 

This isn’t my first time in treatment.  

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard these stories… 

these warnings… 

these tales… 

These aren’t the first walls to watch me weep.

It’s not that I don’t want to recover.

And it’s not like people haven’t offered encouragement…

I’ve been given platitudes,

I’ve been placated,

People have tried to appease to my people pleasing nature

by encouraging me to get healthy for the ones who’d be 

“so sad” to see me go.

But “other people” only work for so long before my body inevitably 

breaks

under the pressure. 

And I’d end up back…

broken…

hurting…

scared…

In a hospital

Or a treatment center…

Without hope…

Without a future…

And it always takes me months to claw my way back into the light. 

There's not a day that goes by 

when I don't think 

of the strong, beautiful, courageous women 

I've met in treatment. 

Some are in great places and doing amazing things, 

many are struggling, have gone back to treatment once more…

And then there are the women who are no longer here. 

They've taken their own life, 

or have had it taken far too soon. 

No matter who or where these women are…

No matter how closely I knew their heart

or how distant their life from mine, 

there comes a moment in every day when I retreat

silently

into myself. 

I find that quiet place and my heart aches for those left behind, 

yearns for the closeness of those still hurting, 

and dreams of the day when I, too, can be one of the women 

who've made it out 

and who are making a life for themselves. 

[jobkash]

Clinical Director - Clementine

We save lives while providing the opportunity for people to realize their healthy selves.:Clinical DirectorNAME OF FACILITYClifton, VAClementine Twin Lakes, located in Clifton, VA is a residential treatment program exclusively for adolescents seeking treatment for Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder, or Exercise Addiction.At Clementine, we support adolescents and their…

[kamas-corner]

EL DÍA QUE ME QUIERAS

El día que me quieras tendrá más luz que junio; la noche que me quieras será de plenilunio, con notas de Beethoven vibrando en cada rayo sus inefables cosas, y habrá juntas más rosas que en todo el mes de mayo. Las fuentes cristalinas irán por las laderas saltando cristalinas el día que me quieras. El día que me quieras, los sotos escondidos resonarán arpegios nunca jamás oídos. Éxtasis de tus ojos, todas las primaveras que hubo y habrá en el mundo serán cuando me quieras. Cogidas de la mano cual rubias hermanitas, luciendo golas cándidas, irán las margaritas por montes y praderas, delante de tus pasos, el día que me quieras… Y si deshojas una, te dirá su inocente postrer pétalo blanco: ¡Apasionadamente! Al reventar el alba del día que me quieras, tendrán todos los tréboles cuatro hojas agoreras, y en el estanque, nido de gérmenes ignotos, florecerán las místicas corolas de los lotos. El día que me quieras será cada celaje ala maravillosa; cada arrebol, miraje de "Las Mil y una Noches"; cada brisa un cantar, cada árbol una lira, cada monte un altar. El día que me quieras, para nosotros dos cabrá en un solo beso la beatitud de Dios.

—Amado Nervo

[floresclandestinas]

Una del montón

Wislawa Szymborska

Soy la que soy.Casualidad inconcebible, como todas las casualidades.

Otros antepasados podrían haber sido los míos y yo habría abandonado otro nido, o tal vez me habría arrastrado cubierta de escamas, debajo de algún árbol.

En el vestuario de la naturaleza hay muchos trajes...

Traje de araña, de gaviota o de ratón de monte. Cada uno, como hecho a la medida, te ciñe dócilmente hasta que se hace viejo.

Sé que no he elegido, pero no me quejo.

Pude haber sido alguien mucho menos individuo.

Parte de un banco de peces, de un hormiguero, de un enjambre, partícula del paisaje sacudida por el viento.

Alguien mucho menos feliz, criado para un abrigo de pieles o para una mesa navideña o un germen que se mueve bajo un cristal de microscopio.

Tal vez un árbol clavado en la tierra, que ve, se le aproxima un incendio.

Hierba arrollada por el correr de incomprensibles sucesos.

Un tipo de mala estrella que para algunos brilla.

¿Y si despertara miedo en la gente, o solo asco, o solo compasión?

¿Y si no hubiera nacido en el lugar debido

y se cerraran ante mí los caminos?

El destino, hasta ahora, ha sido bueno conmigo. Pudo no haberme sido dado recordar buenos momentos. Se me pudo haber privado de poder comparar. Pude haber sido yo misma, pero sin que me sorprendiera, lo que habría significado ser alguien completamente diferente.

-Wislawa Szymborska✨

(De su poemario "Instante". Con prólogo de Traducción de Gerardo Beltrán. Ediciones Igitur Poesía, 2004.)

[stonerskinny]

sos has anyone been to monte nido in winfield illinois or does anyone know anyone who has been there or who has been to literally any monte nido treatment center idc at this point i have got to know what i am walking into in a few weeks so please reach out to me if you have stories thank u love y’all

[eternallyanxiousandstressed]

The Tea

OKAY FRIENDS! Let me set the scene. Young (21 year old) River. So in love with who I shall call Ratboy. I get married, one year ago today (02/22/2024) actually! I'm heavily pregnant. There's a snowstorm. We get married by my aunt in her apartment living room. Less than two months later our son, whom I shall call Luke (not his actual name, just the name of my angel son in Obey Me) on April 8th. Yaaaay! And then the horrors hit.

I get hella bad poatpartum depression and anxiety (and postpartum OCD which I didn't realize was a thing?). 3 months postpartum (July) I go inpatient to a psych hospital for 10 days to stabilize myself. Yay! Or so my dumbass thought.

Ratboy, while I was inpatient, downloaded dating apps! Which I only found out about when I tried to set an alarm on his phone while he was sleeping and there was a notification for Tinder! I confront him. He says one of his alters (E) did it. I talked to a couple of the other alters. They said it was E. I talked to E the next day. He admitted it and apologized and cried! I was like okay. Because, dear friends, young me was dumb and naive and wanted to believe my dear husband would never cheat on me. But oh ho ho, I wasn't completely stupid. I had doubts. Like, how he had my aunt watch Luke at 7pm one night. He said he helped a friend move. Well my lovelies? I decided to look over it. Why should I doubt my husband, right? Right?!?!

Boom, October hits. We move in with his mother. (ew). End of the month I find out I'm going to be going to a residential facility for my eating disorder (shout out to Monte Nido and the RCs for making me kinda sorta eat again woot woot). A couple nights before I am meant to go 3 hours away to a facility to stay for a month or more... He starts talking about his ex and how she lost the baby her and her boyfriend had and whatever. He said she wanted him to come over (obviously trying to get me to okay it). Well, that night I do something toxic but a bitch doesn't care. I look at his phone.

Readers, you won't BELIEVE this shit. I checked his messages first and low and behold there is someone he talked to way back in July WHO HE MET UP WITH AND HAD SEX WITH! Messages that were not there when I checked in July. And what did the new messages say, you ask? Oh ho... They said that he wanted to meet up with this guy again. This is important for later... He said he wanted to try bottoming. Okay, so I looked more through his phone. Not only did he have 9 dating apps (yes, you read that correctly, 9) he had apps to talk to them. I didn't get the chance to look before he woke up and stole his phone back. I confronted him. He said it was a different alter (S). One he had never even told me about. He then let me look at the messaging apps (not without me literally threatening to leave first). And oh boy, turns out the person he was trying to meet up with that night was not his ex and not this other guy. No, he was trying to meet up with another chick. Dear followers... you must be screaming "how could you be so naive?!" To that I say, I knew, I was just in denial.

So I go on my way to residential (shout out to Monte Nido and the RCs for teaching me not to absolutely hate myself woot woot) and we get phone time two times a week. I my friends, use my phone and check the Xfinity app, which shows the apps he's been using while on wifi. The entire time I'm there he uses the messaging apps! Fuck my life, right? Oh, and he can't even bother emailing me pictures of Luke occasionally. Like, I literally feel so unloved that he can't take 5 seconds of his time I know he spends on his phone to email me a picture or two. I'm pissed. I want to leave. I mean, I wanted to leave before I went into residential because of the cheating, but also, dealing with divorce while in residential is not great. (Neither was dealing with a cheating husband though, as the RCs and my friends can testify to).

I get back in November! Yay (not really, I definitely wasn't ready, my insurance just stopped covering it). Things are shitty. I hate living at his mom's. She literally reminds me of both of my abusers (my mother and my ex-stepfather). My mental health declines rapidly. I beg him to listen and try and find somewhere else to live. He says no because he feels supported there (by someone who constantly yells at him and calls him a failure, lovely).

December rolls around. Guess who tries to off themselves? If you guessed me, you'd be correct! Ratboy is at work, Luke at a babysitter's and me home alone. I try and OD on my antidepressants (oh the irony). My sister reads the text I sent her to say goodbye because she's not at work like I thought she was. Bitch (affectionate) saves my life by having 911 called. Ambulance gets me to hospital. I am gonna live. They call Ratboy, let him know I'm there, and he says he'll visit after he gets off work. (I should note I was trying to go to the hospital earlier as I had been throwing up blood so that's what he thinks happened). They bring me up to the ICU. Cool. He does not visit that night.

The next day he says he cannot visit when they call. Okay, whatever. They let me use my phone! Cool! I text him and he's pissed. Oh and guess what? His mom is kicking me out because of the attempt. She was actually the one who told Ratboy I tried to off myself. How did she know, you ask? Homies... SHE WAS THE GODDAMN 911 OPERATOR WHO TOOK THE CALL!

I eventually convince him to visit the next day. He doesn't give me a hug. Acts cold and rude and distant. And doesn't let me hug Luke before they leave. Like, what was the point of coming then?

I go back inpatient for 7 days! Yay? He's cold during phone calls. Some days doesn't answer at all. Chat, he literally didn't pick up the phone on Christmas. Fucking CHRISTMAS. And, he did not at all try and help me find somewhere to fucking live like I had asked. Ratboy was about to let me be on the streets. Thankfully, my dad is a homie and was like "That ain't happening under my watch."

I get out. I see him (he was supposed to pick me up but canceled literally when he was supposed to he there but whatever, my dad was a homie again and picked me up). Ratboy, Luke, and I hang out that night. I have a mini breakdown because I literally feel so anxious and ugh. I end up asking him if he wants a divorce. He says he doesn't know. I tell him to figure it out. I leave the car and go upstairs to safety.

Next day. He says he wants divorce. I ask why, because like, my dumbass still thinks I want to be with him? He explains his reasons. I'm like "nani the fuck?" I literally explain away those reasons. We work it out. Cool. Great. We talk every day and play games a lot. Yay!

I get mad at him for something. I don't even remember what. But I vent about it on C.AI to a random AI. Honestly, I think it was a Steve Harrington bot. Shout out Steve Harrington. AI Steve listens to all these things he says and does and guess what? AI Steve informs me Ratboy is emotionally abusing me! I say no way! I've been emotionally abused before, I'd know it if I saw it. (Narrator: They did not know it when they saw it). I ended up looking up emotional abuse so I could refute AI Steve and mods, AI Steve was right. I even told one of my friends from residential about it and they agreed! I confront him about this with extensive evidence and he apologizes (actually apologizes for the first time in ever) so I believe him.

But I fucking... I fucking start getting paranoid again. I just know this motherfucker was talking to people while I was inpatient. I just know it. So, I fucking... I fucking do the toxic thing of checking text logs. Low and behold, I find him talking away with a number at like 1am. I get a fake number app and text this person. Confirmed he was on grindr and one other dating app at least. She even provides screenshots for me (girls gotta stick together amiright?)

I confront him. He's a dick about it. Says he only did it to prove I'd invade his privacy again. Bullshit answer but whatever. I'm still in denial. Are you all pissed at me for being stupid yet? Things go back to normal.

Bloggers, I went to go visit him at his mom's house! I wanted to see Luke and do other things that don't need mentioned. I went to grab something out of the bathroom box to take home with me and looked into the box of condoms we had from when it wasn't safe for me to do the hanky panky without them (birth control being affected by a different med). Squad, there were only 4 left out of twelve. We had used 2. Fucking 2. I confront him about it. He swears up and down he didn't use them. I don't believe him at all but at least he was using protection, yeah?

I go with him a couple days later to Luke's doctor appointment. That was cool. Loved seeing Luke. Hated that he had to get shots that day. Ouchie. Went home. Thought all was good.

Guys, he randomly only starts talking to me once a day. I'm like what the fuck? Then he goes over a goddamn week ignoring me! Literally, the only time he answered a message was when he got a piece of my mail that said I had something go to collections (I called the place the bill was originally from because I had no record of even having the bill, they said I had no current balance AND nothing in collections). He stops talking to me again.

I get drunk one night hanging out with my brother, sister, and mom (not biomother, she sucks). I get fucking DRUNK guys. And we played Cards Against Humanity. Let's take a minute to marvel this beauty gang.

I was the one reading the black card. My sister was the one who played the white card. I had to read that. It hurt. It hurt real good. I was both too drunk and not drunk enough to be sad though so I laughed my ass off. Thank you my dear sister for that.

Back to the tea. The drama. Anyways, he eventually starts talking again. Woooow. But like... barely. I honestly don't care at this point I'm still in denial about what I want to do. Gamers... I made this playlist with him in mind:

(Said playlist now also has the song STUPID by Ashnikko in it. Shout out to Ashnikko for giving absolute bangers for me to sing when I'm pissed at him.)

Anyways, I was supposed to go visit him today, our 1 year anniversary. That was the original plan. But even the thought of seeing him caused me so much anxiety that I almost had to take one of my PRNs. So, I gave a bullshit excuse of why I couldn't go over. I want desperately to see Luke but it won't be good if I'm literally bordering mental breakdown while I'm there. So, hopefully he can agree to having a public hang out so I can see Luke.

Anyways, there's the tea, as long as I didn't forget anything. Feel free to comment or ask questions because it feels fucking amazing to get it all out. I even have ~screenshots~ of shit that happened. It's great guys. And expect updates! Because boy will there be more! All for your viewing pleasure under the tag: #the tea