#monster dick delivery service

[tsuutarr]

Welcome to the Monster Dick Delivery Service™! We have a large catalog of wonderful monster delivery men that can deliver their services straight to your door!

Maybe you want a werewolf dick with a thick knot that can pump you full with cum. Bonus: they’re excellent cuddlers!

Or perhaps it’s that time of month for some of our customers where they need extra care and comfort. Look no further than our vampire delivery men that can lick and suck your pussy clean until you’re fully satiated.

Some of our customers may want to be stuffed full with cock, in which case, look no further than our merman or naga delivery men! Their twin dicks can fuck any hole, every hole, just for you.

Some others may want to be stuffed with eggs, in which case, our drider delivery men can do just the trick! They can fuck you slowly as they make you round with eggs.

Or maybe some customers want to be stuffed full in general, in which case, our tentacle or slime monster delivery men can use their various flexible appendages to touch and caress every inch of your skin.

For our customers that are looking for thick, ribbed dicks, look no further than our werecat, oni, or dragon delivery men. You’ll feel every ridge and every bump every time they fuck deep into you.

Our ghost delivery man may interest you if you’d like to fully immerse yourself in the sensation of being touched – he can spread you wide open on his invisible cock, his ghostly hands all over your skin.

Or perhaps you’d like to be manhandled, where our minotaur or orc delivery men can use their large hands to grab you while they fuck you like a ragdoll.

These are only a few of our available monster delivery men – we have many more in our catalog and cover a variety of kinks! 

Call us today to experience whatever monster dick you’d like to fuck – you want it, we have it!

[the-malewife-ever]

its 5am. i am very tired. i do not want to go through and pick out all the best responses when i have a test today. so what youre getting now is:

every single character that was submitted [unless i didnt feel comfortable adding them to the data]

^ this includes:

- i didnt feel comfortable putting them in [they are a kid is the most likely answer]

- they break the rules

and goodnight everyone im going back to bed you get your pairings later today. feel free to demand your malewife be in the pairings in the notes of this post all you want but be nice

and sorry to the ppl checking the tags in the search bar for ANY of these characters

read more because we got 301 and then some submissions:

The Top Submitted Characters:

Crazy Dave [Plants Vs Zombies] - 14

Kazuki Kurusu [Buddy Daddies] - 8

Hero [Omori] - 8

Saul Goodman/James McGill [Better Call Saul/Breaking Bad] - 7

Tatsu [Way of the House Husband] - 7

Thoma [Genshin Impact] - 7

Laszlo Cravensworth [What We Do In the Shadows] - 5

Percy de Rolo [Critical Role/Vox Machina] - 5

Ron DeLite [Ace Attorney] - 5

Brett Hand [Inside Job] - 4

Puss in Boots [Puss in Boots] - 4

Sanji [One Piece] - 4

Spamton G. Spamton [Deltarune] - 4

Got 3 Or Less Votes:

9 [9 (2009)]

Adrian Graye Vernworth [The Owl House]

Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir [Miraculous Ladybug]

Alador Blight [The Owl House]

Alistair Theirin [Dragon Age]

Andre Legris [Innocent/Innocent Rouge]

Asgore Dreemurr [Undertale]

Axel Summers [Lemon Soda and Coffee (Webcomic)]

The Baker [Into the Woods (1991)]

Bandit Heeler [Bluey]

Barry Draxum [Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]

Beacrox Molan [Lout of the Court’s Family]

Benny [Fallout: New Vegas]

Bilbo Baggins [The Hobbit]

BJ Hunnicutt [MASH]

Bob Belcher [Bob's Burgers]

Briefers "Brief" Rock [Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt]

Brock [Pokemon]

Bruno Buccerati [JoJo's Bizzare Adventure]

Bruno Madrigal [Encanto]

Calculester Hewlett-Packard [Monster Prom]

Caleb Wittebane [The Owl House]

Cardan [The Folk of the Air trilogy by Holly Black]

Cecil Palmer [Welcome to Night Vale]

Chakotay [Star Trek Voyager]

Charlie Kelly [It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia]

Chisaki Kai (Overhaul) [My Hero Academia]

Chris Pearson [Dan Vs.]

Chrom [Fire Emblem Awakening]

Clay Rockridge [The Sexy Brutale]

Colin Robinson [What We Do In the Shadows]

Connecticut Clark [FlorkofCows/The Saga of Clark]

Cove Holden [Our Life: Beginning & Always]

Cyclonus [Transformers (IDW1)]

DaLey Vigil [The Great Ace Attorney]

Daniel Cain [Re-Animator]

Darius Deamonne [The Owl House]

Dedue Molinaro [Fire Emblem Three Houses]

Dick Grayson [DC Comics]

Dick Gumshoe [Ace Attorney]

Do Hyun Soon [Flower of Evil]

Ed [Our Flag Means Death]

Eddie Munson [Stranger Things]

Elliott [Stardew Valley]

Faria [Thrilling Intent]

Flex Mentallo [Doom Patrol]

Fox Mulder [The X-Files]

Fukuo [Kiki’s Delivery Service]

Furio Giunta [The Sopranos]

Gao Yizhi [Iron Widow]

Garmadon [Ninjago]

Garry [Ib]

Geto Suguru [Jujitsu Kaisen]

Gilbert Nightray [Pandora Hearts]

Gomez Addams [The Addams Family]

Grover Underwood [Percy Jackson Series]

Hannibal Lecter [Hannibal]

Harrier du Bois [Disco Elysium]

Hazama Masayoshi [Samurai Flamenco]

Heinz Doofenshmirtz [Phineas and Ferb]

Herlock Sholmes [The Great Ace Attorney]

Hordak [She-Ra (Netflix)]

Howl Jenkins Pendragon [Howl's Moving Castle]

Hugh Neutron [Jimmy Neutron]

Hugh Test [Johnny Test]

Ianto Jones [Torchwood]

Ignis Scientia [Final Fantasy XV]

Ingo [Pokemon]

Izzy Hands [Our Flag Means Death]

Jake Sully [Avatar]

James [Pokemon]

Jason Todd [Batman]

Jesus Christ [The Bible]

Joel Hammond [Santa Clarita Diet]

Johnathan Harker [Bram Stoker's Dracula]

John Silver [Treasure Island (1988)]

John Watson [BBC Sherlock]

Jonathan Byers [Stranger Things]

Kaiden Alenko [Mass Effect]

Kai Satou [Your Turn to Die]

Kaito [Vocaloid]

Kakashi Hatake [Naruto]

Katsuya Serizawa [Mob Psycho 100]

Ken [Barbie]

Kermit the Frog [The Muppets]

Kim Dokja [Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint]

Kim Gongja [SSS-Class Suicide Hunter]

Kingsley [Papa Louie Games]

Kisuke Urahara [Bleach]

Klavier Gavin [Ace Attorney]

Kojiro “Joe” Nonjo [Sk8 the Infinity]

Laurance Zvahl [Minecraft Diaries]

Lazarus Bleeze [The Hex]

Leon [Pokemon]

Lestat de Lioncourt [Interview with the Vampire (TV Show)]

Lieutenant Columbo [Columbo]

Light Yagami [Death Note]

Link [Breath of the Wild]

The Lobby Boy [The Hotel Podcast]

Loid Forger [Spy X Family]

Luigi [Mario Franchise]

Luo Binghe [The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System]

Mac McDonald [It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia]

The Man in the Yellow Hat [Curious George]

Manolo Sanchez [The Book of Life (2014)]

Mario [Mario Franchise]

Marshall Eriksen [How I Met Your Mother]

Marvin [Falsettos]

Mendel Weisenbachfeld [Falsettos]

Me [The Mod]

Michael [The Good Place]

Miles Edgeworth [Ace Attorney]

Min-Gi Park [Infinity Train]

Minato Namikaze [Naruto]

Momo [Stray]

Mr. Mime [Pokemon]

The Narrator [The Stanley Parable]

Naven Nuknuk [Epithet Erased]

Oliver Queen [DC Comics (Green Arrow)]

Olruggio [Witch Hat Atelier]

The Onceler [The Lorax]

Palamedes Sextus [The Locked Tomb]

Paper [Inanimate Insanity]

Peeta Mellark [The Hunger Games]

Percy Jackson [Percy Jackson Series]

Peter Nureyev [The Penumbra Podcast]

Preminger [Barbie: Princess and the Pauper]

Qifrey [Witch Hat Atelier]

Quirrel [Hollow Knight]

Ramsey Murdoch [Epithet Erased]

Randy Valentine Jade [Dialtown]

Redd Rockridge [The Sexy Brutale]

Reigen Arataka [Mob Psycho 100]

Ronaldo [The Vampire Dies in No Time]

Rouxls Kaard [Deltarune]

Roy Mustang [Full Metal Alchemist]

Ryoji Kaji [Neon Genesis Evangelion]

Ryuuji Takasu [ToraDora!]

Samwise Gamgee [Lord of the Rings]

Sasuke Itachi [Naruto]

Satan [Puyo Puyo]

Satoru Gojo [Jujitsu Kaisen]

Seven [Zero Escape]

Shinya Fujikawa [Corpse Factory]

Sig Curtis [Full Metal Alchemist]

Silco [Arcane (Netflix)]

Sojiro Sakura [Persona 5]

Sokka [Avatar: The Last Airbender]

Soldier [Team Fortress 2]

Spirit Albarn [Soul Eater]

Spongebob Squarepants [Spongebob Squarepants]

Steve Harrington [Stranger Things]

Steven Grant [Marvel]

Suoh Tamaki [Ouran High School Host Club]

Sword Boyfriend [Transistor]

Tanjiro Kamado [Demon Slayer]

Thomas Sharpe [Crimson Peak (2015)]

Tohru Adachi [Persona 4]

Tom Wambsgans [Succession]

Travis Matagot [Campaign Skyjacks]

Tsukasa Jinguuji [Fabiniku (Life with an Ordinary Guy who Reincarnated into a Total Fantasy Knockout)]

The Tumblr Boyfriend [Tumblr]

The Twelfth Doctor [Doctor Who]

Tyrell Wellick [Mr. Robot]

Vanitas [Vanitas no Carte/The Case Study of Vanitas]

Vash the Stampede [Trigun]

Victor Nikiforov [Yuri on Ice]

Waymond Wang [Everything Everywhere All At Once]

Whizzer Brown [Falsettos]

William "Spike" Pratt [Buffy the Vampire Slayer]

William “Dex” Pointdexter [Check Please!]

Yeza Brenatto [Critical Role]

Yoo Joonghyuk [Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint]

You [The Voter]

Zagreus [Hades]

[himbo-showdown]

Welcome to ROUND 1!

Without further ado, I present the round 1 bracket!

To save space, all characters are listed with their first name only. Look in the Read Below to see an exact list of each poll coming!

Polls 1-8 will be posted Thursday the 30th between 4pm and 6pm EST and remain live for three days! Best of luck to all the contenders!

Poll 1: Arataki Itto from Ghenshin Impact VS Flynn from Skylanders Poll 2: Soren from The Dragon Prince VS Soldier from TF2 Poll 3: Fukuo from Kiki's Delivery Service VS Sheriff Bronson Stone from Scooby-Doo: Mystery Incorporated Poll 4: Daniel Cain from Re-Animator VS Bokuto Kotaro from Haikyuu Poll 5: Indus Tarbella from Epithet Erased VS Milo from Pokemon Sword/Shield Poll 6: Cole from Lego Ninjago VS Din Djarin from The Mandolorian Poll 7: Prince Edward from Enchanted VS Josh Chan from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Poll 8: Knuckles from Sonic Boom VS Alexios from Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey Poll 9: Sun Wukong from RWBY VS Harry DuBois from Disco Elysium Poll 10: Magnus Burnsides from The Adventure Zone VS Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove Poll 11: Beowulf from Skullgirls VS Kaito Momota from Danganronpa V3 Poll 12: Joseph Jostar from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure VS Dick Gumshoe from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attourney Poll 13: Peter B. Parker from Into the Spiderverse VS Will Powers from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attourney Poll 14: Boucheron from Fire Emblem Engage VS Bolin from The Legend of Korra Poll 15: Raphael Kirsten from Fire Emblem Three Houses/Hopes VS Steve Harrington from Stranger Things Poll 16: Metroman from Megamind VS Gillis Soco from Smile For Me Poll 17: Launchpad McQuack from Ducktales VS Kevin from Ghostbusters (2016) Poll 18: Phoenix Wright from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attourney VS John Marston from Red dead redemption 1&2 Poll 19: Arthur Morgan from Red dead redemption 2 VS Fred from Scooby-Doo Poll 20: Grog Strongjaw from Legends of Vox Machina VS Clone JFK from Clone High Poll 21: Rodney from Total Drama VS Professor Birch from Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire Poll 22: Ash Williams from Evil Dead VS Mario from The Super Mario Bros. Series Poll 23: Brett Hand from Inside Job VS Scott Howl from Monster Prom Poll 24: Clark Kent from DC Comics VS Jason Mendoza from The Good Place Poll 25: Andy Dwyer from Parks and Rec VS Galo Thymos from Promare Poll 26: Beelzebub from Obey Me VS Finn the Human from Adventure Time Poll 27: Gonta Gokihara from Danganronpa V3 VS Andolin Kholin from The Stormlight Archive Poll 28: Thor from the MCU VS Hunk from Voltron: Legendary Defender Poll 29: George from George of the Jungle VS Alex from Stardew Valley Poll 30: Mark the Engineer from In Space with Markiplier VS Murray from the Sly Cooper Series Poll 31: Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story VS He-Man from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Poll 32: Raphael Hamato from Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles VS Farkas from Skyrim

Good luck to all!

[squallsong-survival]

so. my buddy Pax bullied me into joining this site to promote my services? I don’t really get it but he insisted this would help “get a broader customer base” or whatever. name’s Squall, and I hunt pokémon. why you should come to me rather than some of the other chumps in the business is simple: I’m strong and they ain’t. I can use burst hearts, after all

I know most folks don’t know shit about bursting, so here’s a quick primer. you are a flimsy little human. all around you are big fuckin’ monsters that breathe fire and eat dreams and shit. bursting is how you can borrow that power. if you have a special crystal called a burst heart, you can use it to become half human, half whatever beast is in that heart, all kickass. but burst is super taxing, so you can’t just be some weak nobody. the transformation can seriously fuck you up if you stay in it for too long, and you gotta train your normal body to withstand the change or your first burst WILL straight-up kill you

so when I tell ya I’ve been bursting for decades and can successfully hunt with it, know that means I know my shit. my main hearts are Toxtricity and Kommo-o, and I’ve got a few more I’m still cultivating (they evolve just the same as any other monster and I’m not gambling a Tsareena hunt on holding my own with my Fuecoco heart. that’s a death sentence). shipping is handled by Pax and their buncha Tranquill. it’s faster than the average Pelipper service, but does have a lower max weight per bird, so keep that in mind

oh yeah and I like music. making and listening. Pax said I should share that to be more approachable, because and I quote “hon you even sound like somebody shat in your bed over text.” dick.

anyway yeah. send me your requests. I always have a good stockpile of clean bones, plus some other easy-to-keep shit, and my Zigzagoon heart gives me a decent nose to track with. if it’s in the area I’ll find it. contact info and rules below

OOC STUFF!

Oops, my self control slipped lmao

This blog is inspired in part by @zekrom-sword, and is also borrowing the concept of Burst from the Pokémon REBURST manga (see that link for a Bulbapedia page). Like Kama’s blog, this one is set in a world with much more dangerous Pokémon, and will be dealing with more serious topics such as Pokémon death, which will be tagged as “cw [trigger]” as needed. Please don’t hesitate to ask for things to be tagged! Blue text on this blog is ooc talk, and will also be marked off in {{curly brackets}} if not under a cut. I’m not gonna outright forbid adult topics on this blog, but keep it tasteful, and if I find out you’re a minor participating in those discussions you will be blocked

Squall (he/him) is somewhere in his mid-to-late 30s, and has been hunting for nearly 2 decades. He’s not especially tech savvy, and kind of abrasive, but he’s doing his best to survive in a world with deadly monsters. The intent is that he’s largely just an asshole that sometimes disregards others’ feelings. That said, he does not understand eebydeebies and is pretty hostile to them. Please tell me if I overstep with you, because I don’t wanna create a hostile roleplaying environment

Pax (he/they) is roughly 30. He raises Pidoves for his own delivery service, and sometimes as food, but they don’t engage in any hunting of their own. I won’t be making them their own blog, but he might chime in on this one on rare occasions. That text will be pink.

Squall’s roster of burst hearts is as follows: Toxtricity, Kommo-o, Fuecoco, Galarian Zigzagoon. Yes, he does have a musical motif lmao

My main blog is @tlblitz, and I also run @tlblitzle, @zenith-exploration-guild, and @delta-holonfoil

[thelastpresidentprincejosephius]

-College is DEMOCRACY

- Aph-letic

-Director & Produce isnt Amature

Fraternity: Pasific

ks104

Merv Griffin/ Dick Clarke / Paul Harvey/ Rod Serling/ Lorne Greene/

Film Companies United States of Americian

-Merchant Ivory

-Lighthouse Film Studio

-20th Century Studios

-Focus Features

-AMC

-Blue Line Cinema

-Castle Rock Entertainment

- The Samuel Goldwyn Company

-SYFY

-Haunted Summer

-James Bond: You Only Live Twice

Pizza Hut

Taco Bell

T.G.I.Friday

Wendy's

-Earth Girls are Easy: Smashing Pumpkins

-Journey to the West

-The Grandmaster

Zach Parise, Sidney Crosby

Kate Moss sister of Brandon Moss

Parker Poseiy sister of Buster Posiey

Daria sister of Jake Lang

Eric Clapton

Michael Bolton

kenny loggins married brenda k starr

William Shakespeare Isaac Bashevis Singer

and wife Lauren Bacall

Some Kind of Wonderful (2 daughters) Bridget Fonda, Lea Thompson

Sister Molley Ringwalnd & Murray Gell-Mann

Christopher Reeves, Robert Palmer, Melissa Benoist

-#1 Were

Wear

Where the Boys are

-#2)A Separate Peace

-#3)Flirt

-#4) Tower Inferno

-#5) Starship Trooper & Super Trooper

-Elvira Mistress of the Night

-Kiss of the Damned

-The Monsters

-House Party series

Mary Shelley,

Queen Margot

Percy Byshe Shelley,

A Royal Affair

Lord Byron,

Barry Lyndon

Alexandre Dumas,

Iron Mask

Voltaire

Cantorbury Ghost

Emelia Brontë married Dwight Eisenhower

family and the president after George Washington (2 Sons) Thomas Jefferson Emelia had son with Paul Andrew (Dad) Zachary Taylor (Son)

Charlotte Brontë,

Sound of Thunder

Jane Austen,

Hammer of God

George Eliot

married

Robert Frost

An Ideal Husband 43

The Browning Version

Jack London

Sea Wolves

Robert A. Heinlein

Franz Kafka Washington brother of George Washington

-Event Horizon Series

-Time and Stars

-Sabeina

-Kiki Delivery Services

-Perfect Blue

-Chinese Christmas Ghost Story

-Seven

-The House of Mirth

-Gosford Park

-Emma

-Mansfield Park

-A Room with a View

-Worlds Collide

-Kafka film

-Fight Club

-Donnie Darko

Stephen King

-Christine 

-Sleepwalker

-The Shining

-A Return to Salem's Lot

-inkheart

-Near Dark

-The Rocketeer

it wasn't Soap it IS Tara Reids family

-Mom Tara Reid of the tv show Chears,

-Dad Bob Uecker,

(4Sons)Daniel Bakula, Tom Everett, Zach Braff, Cary Elwes,

(1 Daughter)Diane Lane

Patty Duke Mother writer of Ted & Grace his mother Grace Allen

Ted Turner Four Sons

Harry Connick Jr.

2 Albums

-That Would Be Me

Chet Baker

Dizzy Gillespie

Hal Hartley

[biznichwrites]

Masterlist

Updated - now organized by character chronologically, newest to oldest. 

There are tags for smut/fluff/comfort/angst and AUs.

There are 222 posts as of 5/22/2021.

Giyuu:

No ship:

Realistic Dad Giyuu HCs, no ship

Dad Sabito HCs, Fluff, no ship

Giyuu and Sabito having memes explained to them, no ship

Dad Giyuu's child coming out , Comfort, no ship

Giyuu with a son, Fluff, no ship

Dad Giyuu HCs, Fluff, no ship

Giyuu with a daughter, no ship

Tiny Demon Giyuu HCs, Demon AU, no ship

Giyuu with awkward child 2, no ship

Giyuu with awkward child 1, no ship

Teacher Giyuu HCs, no ship

Giyuu stalked by a pug 2, no ship

Single Dad Giyuu with daughter 2, no ship

Ghost Sabito messing with Giyuu, no ship

Pizza delivery boy Giyuu, no ship

Giyuu meeting demon Sabito on his first mission, no ship

Single Dad Giyuu with daughter 1, Fluff, no ship

Giyuu as an older brother figure to Nezuko, Fluff, Comfort, no ship

Giyuu stalked by a pug 1, no ship

Modern Giyuu reacting to twerking, no ship, Modern AU

SFW:

Baby Boy, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Hoping for a baby, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Kitty AU HCs, Giyuu x reader, Kitty AU

Hanahaki, Giyuu x reader, Angst

Homecoming, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Nonidentical twins introduce SO to parents, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader

Posessive Giyuu hiding picture of his SO, Giyuu x reader

Cow Giyuu's "mess" SO cleans up, Giyuu x reader, Cow AU, Slightly NSFW

Giyuu keeping lewd pictures of his SO, Giyuu x reader, Slightly NSFW

Demon!SabiGiyuu aftercare, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Demon AU, Slightly NSFW

Realistic Giyuu relationship HCs, Giyuu x reader

Giyuu in a (supposedly) one sided love affair, Giyuu x reader, Angst

Finding out Reader is an exotic dancer 2, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Slightly NSFW, Modern AU

Giyuu with a chubby SO 2, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Comfort

Giyuu with an SO with a small chest, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Comfort

Giyuu finding out his SO can't have children, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Comfort

SO taking injury in Giyuu's place, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Necromancer Yandere Reader, Giyuu x reader, TW

Giyuu's GF with SH scars, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Comfort, TW

Giyuu's SO that has experienced SA, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Comfort, TW

Giyuu developing Stockholm Syndrome with Yandere SO, Giyuu x reader, TW

Giyuu with a Yandere secret admirer, Giyuu x reader, TW

Birthday cake for Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Hurt Giyuu Week Day 3: Demon AU, Giyuu x reader, Angst, Demon AU

Hurt Giyuu Week Day 1: Break up, Giyuu x reader, Angst

SabiGiyuu x reader ABO HCs, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff

Demon Sabito and reader x human Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff, Demon AU

Sabito being born as Giyuu's son, Giyuu x reader, not focused on shipping

Accidental meeting between Giyuu and reader, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Giyuu teaching SO swordsmanship, Giyuu x reader

SabiGiyuu with reader that has nightmares, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff, Comfort

Giyuu with goofy SO, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Giyuu attempting to flirt, Giyuu x reader

Watching the rain with Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

SabiGiyuu with blind SO, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff

Giyuu with a chubby SO 1, Giyuu x reader, Comfort

GF criticized for poly relationship with Sabito and Giyuu, human and demon AU, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff, Demon AU

Giyuu with a plain SO, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Comfort

Giyuu with SO dressed a witch, Giyuu x reader, Slightly NSFW

Vampire Giyuu HCs, Giyuu x reader

Giyuu's SO breaks up with him, Giyuu x reader, Angst

Giyuu with pregnant SO, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

SO has nonidentical twins with Sabito and Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff

Virgin sugar daddy Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sugar Daddy AU

Giyuu with cuddly SO, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Kindergarten AU HCs 3, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Modern AU

Sabito and Giyuu meeting crush later in life, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader

Train arc with Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Angst

Giyuu realizing he has a crush, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

SO injured protecting Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Angst

First mission with Giyuu, Giyuu x reader

Demon Giyuu with fluffy ears, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Demon AU

Holloween party where Giyuu mistakes twin for SO, Giyuu x reader

Giyuu with a badass SO, Giyuu x reader

Sugar Daddy Giyuu HCs, Giyuu x reader, Sugar Daddy AU

Giyuu with a crush that teases him, Giyuu x reader, Slightly NSFW

Poly with Sabito and Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff

Musician SO with Giyuu, Giyuu x reader

Giyuu injured protecting SO, Giyuu x reader, Angst

Domestic demon Giyuu HCs, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Demon AU

Demon Giyuu protecting SO while sparring, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Demon SO protecting the pillars, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Giyuu with a strong SO, Giyuu x reader

Demon SO turned human and lost memories, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Demon SO flirted with by other pillars, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Fem SO teasing Giyuu, Giyuu x reader

SO in a car wreck, Giyuu x reader

Overprotective demon Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Giyuu slow to warm up to his SO, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

SO's clothes torn in battle, Giyuu x reader, Slightly NSFW

Short SO 2, Giyuu x reader

Pillar SO defending Giyuu, Giyuu x reader

Demon SO HCs 2, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Love tiangle with Giyuu, SO, and Kyo, Giyuu x reader, Kyojuro x Reader

Bad ass SO, Giyuu x reader

Demon Giyuu meeting a non slayer reader, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Giyuu's SO hit by a car, Giyuu x reader, Angst

Demon Giyuu meeting SO in modern times, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU, Modern AU

Demon Giyuu's SO is pregnant, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Demon AU

SO with mood swings, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Yandere Giyuu, Giyuu x reader

Shy Giyuu cruching on popular reader, Giyuu x reader

Clingly Demon Giyuu HCs, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Kindergarten AU HCs 2, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Modern AU

Dying pillar SO, Giyuu x reader, Angst

Insecure SO, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Comfort

Short SO 1, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Taking care of sick Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Comfort

Giyuu does make up, Giyuu x reader, (this did not age well, forgive me)

Demon SO HCs 1, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Kindergarten AU HCs 1, Giyuu x reader, Fluff, Modern AU

SO wearing his haori, Giyuu x reader

Pervert SO 2, Giyuu x reader, Slightly NSFW

Starting a family, Giyuu x reader, Fluff

Demon Giyuu HCs 2, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

Pervert SO 1, Giyuu x reader, Slightly NSFW

Finding out Reader is an exotic dancer 1, Giyuu x reader, Slightly NSFW, Modern AU

Demon Giyuu HCs 1, Giyuu x reader, Demon AU

NSFW:

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 23: Sabito edition, Exhibition (reader & Sabito), Voyeurism (Giyuu), Daddy Kink, Cream Pie, Oral, Cum Eating, Sloppy Seconds, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Comfort, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 22: Crying, Aftercare, low key sub drop/mood drop, large reader, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 21: Biting, Brat Reader, Spanking, Thigh Fucking, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 20: Cockwarming, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 19: Mutual Masturbation, Praise, Gentleness, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Fluff, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 18: Toys, Restrained/Tied Up, Overstimulation, Begging,Dom Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 17: Breeding, Size Difference, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 16: Maid/Servant, Power Imbalance, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 15: Fisting, Begging, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 14: Lactation, Praise, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 13: A/B/O, Scent, Knotting, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 12: Pet Play, Collaring, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 11: Lingerie, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 10: Monster/Demon, Cum Marking, Bukakke, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 9: Ass Worship, Bath/Shower, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 8: Medical Play, Nipple Play, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 7: Make Up Sex, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Comfort, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 6: Tentacles, Aphrodisiacs, Squirting, Threeway, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Mer AU, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 5: Sleepy/Somnophilia, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 4: Anal, Training, Daddy kink, a hint of voyerism/exhibitionism and threesome, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 3: Power Bottom/Service Top, Spanking, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 2: Masturbation, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 1: Cock Worship, Praise, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Squirting for the first time, Giyuu x reader, Smut

A Dream Come True, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Comfort, Angst

Cow Giyuu in heat, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Cow AU

SO is nervous to receive oral, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Comfort

Overstimulation, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Cow Giyuu touching himself, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Cow AU

Cow Giyuu hearing his SO masturbate in another room, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Cow AU

Cow Giyuu masturbating, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Cow AU

Cow Giyuu smut blurb + cute ending, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Fluff, Cow AU

Giyuu dick HCs, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Giyuu woken up by BJ, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Sabito sharing his GF with Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, very long

Hurt Giyuu Week Day 2: Cheating, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Angst

Human Giyuu and SO dealing with Demon Sabito in heat, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Demon AU

SabiGiyuu x reader ABO, reader in heat, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut

NSFW Alphabet - Cow AU, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Cow AU

Complete and Udder Smut, Cow AU, Giyuu x reader, all in a single post now

NSFW Alphabet - no AU, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Anal (performed on reader) HCs with Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut

On a mission with Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Kinktober: Nursing kink (Demon Giyuu), Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: Cockwarming, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Size kink with Demon Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: Thigh and tit jobs, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Somnophilia, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Biting, blood (Demon Giyuu), Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: ANR (Demon Giyuu), Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: Nursing kink (Demon Giyuu), Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: MILFs, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Pregnant sex, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Only wearing Giyuu's haori, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Breeding with demon Sabito and Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 14: Exhibitionism & Voyeurism, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 13: Threesome & Cunnilingus, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober 12: ABO, Degradation, Collaring, Cock Warming, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober 11: formal wear & glory hole, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Demon Giyuu with a hair kink, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 10: Toys, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Sugar Daddy AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: Pet play, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Shibari, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 9: Daddy kink & public sex, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Breeding, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 8: Gags/Gagging, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 7: Bloodplay, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, TW, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 6: Pet Play, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 5: Monster/Demon, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 4: Mirrors and orgasm delay, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 3: Tentacles, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: Jelous HS Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2: Sleepy Sex & Underwear, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Dirty Talk, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Demon Sabito and Giyuu in heat, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: Male SO, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Breeding season with Demon Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober:Threeway with Sabito and Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Getting caught, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Omega Giyuu and Alpha SO, Giyuu x reader, Smut, ABO, Kinktober

Kinktober: Overstimulation, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 1: Handjobs, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Horny demon Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: Demon Giyuu letting his SO top, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Dom Giyuu HCs, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Demon Giyuu in heat, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU

Giyuu NSFW HCs 2, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Thicc  switch SO that teases Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut

SO has a biting kink, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Demon SO going into heat, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU

Demon Giyuu on a leash (but make it smut), Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU

Demon Giyuu reacting to SO menstruating, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU

Demon Giyuu eating it like grocceries, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU

Bottom Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Demon Giyuu NSFW HCs, Giyuu x reader, Smut, Demon AU

Giyuu NSFW HCs 2, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Making a baby with Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Smut

First time HCs, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Giyuu NSFW HCs 1, Giyuu x reader, Smut

Sabito: 

SFW:

Nonidentical twins introduce SO to parents, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader

Demon!SabiGiyuu aftercare, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Demon AU, Slightly NSFW

Finding out Reader is an exotic dancer 2, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Slightly NSFW, Modern AU

SabiGiyuu x reader ABO HCs, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff

Demon Sabito and reader x human Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff, Demon AU

SabiGiyuu with reader that has nightmares, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff, Comfort

SabiGiyuu with blind SO, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff

GF criticized for poly relationship with Sabito and Giyuu, human and demon AU, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff, Demon AU

SO has nonidentical twins with Sabito and Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff

Sabito and Giyuu meeting crush later in life, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader

Poly with Sabito and Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Fluff

NSFW:

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 23: Sabito edition, Exhibition (reader & Sabito), Voyeurism (Giyuu), Daddy Kink, Cream Pie, Oral, Cum Eating, Sloppy Seconds, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Comfort, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 6: Tentacles, Aphrodisiacs, Squirting, Threeway, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Mer AU, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 2020, Day 4: Anal, Training, Daddy kink, a hint of voyerism/exhibitionism and threesome, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Lazy Morning, Sabito x reader, Smut, Fluff

Bull Sabito in breeding season, Sabito x reader, Smut

Sabito sharing his GF with Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, very long

Hurt Giyuu Week Day 2: Cheating, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Angst

Human Giyuu and SO dealing with Demon Sabito in heat, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Demon AU

SabiGiyuu x reader ABO, reader in heat, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut

NSFW Alphabet - Cow AU, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Cow AU

Kinktober: Thigh and tit jobs, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Breeding with demon Sabito and Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Giyuu Kinktober 13: Threesome & Cunnilingus, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober: Pet play, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Kinktober: Demon Sabito and Giyuu in heat, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Demon AU, Kinktober

Kinktober:Threeway with Sabito and Giyuu, Giyuu x reader, Sabito x reader, Smut, Kinktober

Not Giyuu or Sabito (aka Kyo):

Jen's Birthday Present 2021, Kyojuro x Reader, Smut

Three's a Crowd (Jen's birthday 2020), Sanemi, Kyojuro & Shinjuro x Reader, Smut

Love tiangle with Giyuu, SO, and Kyo, Giyuu x reader, Kyojuro x Reader

Which characters have a breeding kink, Smut, adult characters only

[absolutepx]

So I've been playing Death Stranding lately. Wait, that's not what this post is about. Well, it kind of is. Hang on. What is Death Stranding about?

A: Norman Reedus getting bare ass naked B. Sneaking around ghosts with the help of your sidekick, an actual baby C: Carrying 50 Amazon packages up a hill while trying to not topple over D: Waking up in the morning and drinking 5 Monster Energy™ for breakfast

For those following along at home, the answer is actually none of the above. Despite the set dressing being bizarre to the point of near absurdity, what the game is actually about, like thematically, is actually really simple.

See, the development of Death Stranding was actually quite a trip. Hideo Kojima is the video game world's equivalent of an auteur director. He has a very recognizable personal style. It's thoroughly horny – he caught a bunch of shit for the design of Quiet in MGSV, but like, a lot of Kojima characters are just -like that-, including the dudes. Also, this is going to possibly be important later.

Anyway, so Kojima was going to do a rebootmakequel of Silent Hill, and the demo actually made it to the PS store and I could actually write a whole side essay about why P.T. (it was called P.T. for some reason btw) was brilliant game design for how it used the same hallway over and over and it was somehow beneficial to the overall feeling of horror. So Konami it turns out kinda sucks nowadays and they like, fired Kojima (they were huge dicks about it behind closed doors, too) and scrapped the project and kicked him out on the street and kept the Metal Gear series which was his baby (literally the baby in the sink in P.T., he snuck a bunch of messaging about the Konami situation into the demo like a breakup album) and Kojima would go on to form his own studio and poach some of the people who worked with him to boot. So the thing about Kojima is this: he's got a reputation for already putting some wild shit in his games, like a ladder that takes like 10 real time minutes to climb in MGS3 for dramatic effect, and a boss in MGS3 that summons the ghosts of all the people you were too lazy to stealth past and killed, or a sniper battle with a really old guy that he wanted to have last two weeks or some shit until he died of old age but he was "told that "this was impossible and not recommended." That is a real quote I just looked up. So he's coming off the heels of making this hugely successful game with MGSV and the hype of the P.T. Demo and he fucking, he like took all the people that were going to be working on P.T. Along like Guillermo Del Toro was going to co-write it and Norman Reedus was going to star in it, and he's like, I'm going to make this game called Death Stranding. And the first trailer comes out for it and it's completely nuts. Norman Reedus wakes up naked on a beach crying with a baby and there are floating people in the sky? So we're all like hooooooly shit, there's no one to tell him "this is impossible and not recommended" anymore. What's he going to make now!?

So the whole time the game is in development I keep seeing these tweets where it'll be like, Kojima and one of his homies smiling with some saccharine message about being spiritual warriors and changing the world. And not just Del Toro and Reedus, there was Mads Mikkelsen (another guy Kojima puts in the game just because he apparently loves him), and the band Chvches, and also like, Keanu Reeves at one point? You know how everyone has just kind of accepted that Keanu is a being of light? Here he was endorsing Kojima. The hype was pretty confused and frantic.

The game eventually comes out. A lot of game journos hate it because I think there was this expectation it was going to be, you know, less weird and have more of the conventional structure of a video game. That's not to say the average gamer wasn't also dismissive of it, but I think on the ground level there was more of an understanding that like, yeah, Kojima just be like that sometimes.

Because the game was a timed console exclusive and your homie don't play like that, I spent the first year or so cautiously viewing Death Stranding from a distance. I wasn't sure I was going to like it – except for being really impressed with P.T., I wasn't actually a big fan of Kojima's games as games – but I -was- sure that I was going to buy it, because of the way Konami fucked him over, just out of support. And the shit I was hearing was really out there. The primary mode of gameplay is just delivery packages. You collect Norman Reedus' bathwater and pee and use it as grenades. You get a motorcycle that looks like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus, and when you sit on it, his character in the game says "Wow, this thing is like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus!"

But I didn't really want to know that much about it. Something has that much fucking crazy person energy, you want to go in mostly blind, right? So maybe people just weren't talking about this, or maybe I wasn't seeing it, but then I watched Girlfriend Reviews' video about it and they came right out and said it (link provided if you want to hear Shelby say it more articulately than me):

Death Stranding is basically about the exact opposite of Twitter. It's about remembering how to be kind to each other, how to reconnect in a world where people are so often hostile to each other by default. Prophetically, it's about a world where people are afraid to go outside or touch other people and how damaging that is. It's not a game about carrying packages, it's a game about helping people by being brave enough to walk through a wasteland carrying their burdens because they can't. It's about rebuilding the lost connections between people, about restoring roads and giving people hope. I bet, for Kojima and the people close to him, it's about how to answer hostility with compassion. You can't kill people in Death Stranding. You can and are absolutely encouraged to fucking throw hands with people sometimes, but all the tools and weapons are nonlethal. So I think Kojima took all the Twitter heat he got over the Quiet nontroversy, and all the feelings of isolation he had from Konami separating him from his team during the end of the development of MGSV, and all the support and encouragement he got from his bros Del Toro and Mads and the rest, and decided to channel that into making a game that was a statement about all of it. And sure, it's a little heavy handed, and sure, it's a little saccharine, and sure, the gameplay sometimes borders on miserable in service of creating emotional payoffs. For me, especially in 2020, this message is a huge success. Social media should be an opportunity for all of us to feel more connected to each other, yet primarily it feels like one of the main forces driving people apart. Why is that? Why is the internet of today such a hostile place? I'm old enough to remember web 1.0: I can haz cheezburger memes; YTMND; the early wild west days of Youtube... What happened to us? I've thrown the blame at Twitter in the past, and I think the architecture of the user experience on Twitter is absolutely a big piece of the puzzle, because it fosters negative interactions. But in terms of the behavior, people have observed that 2018 Twitter was actually almost exactly like 2014 Tumblr. (For the record, Tumblr is now one of the chillest places left on the internet, because so few fucks are left to give.)

I think part of it is the anonymity. The dehumanizing disconnection of the separation of screens and miles. Louis CK, before he was cancelled, had a great point about cyberbullying, and why it's so much more savage than kids are IRL. When you pick on someone in person and you are confronted with seeing the pain you caused them, for most sane people it causes negative feedback and you become disgusted with your actions and eventually learn to stop being a shithead. Online, at best you can "break the wrist, walk away".

At worst, you can become addicted to "clout chasing" and the psychological thrill of being cheered on by your social ingroup. It's even worse if you feel like it's not bullying and your actions are justified because whoever you've targeted is a bad person so you don't have to feel bad about what you do to them. This is where reductive, unhelpful catchphrases like "punch a nazi" come in. For every argument, one or both sides have convinced themselves that the other side is subhuman because their beliefs are so disgusting. And sometimes it's even true! A lot of times, especially these days, people really are acting like animals or worse online. Entire disinformation engines are roaring day and night, churning out garbage and cluttering the social consciousness. (Kojima talked about this bit, too, way back in MGS2. As if I wasn't already in danger of losing my thread through this.)

The human brain was not built to live like this. You can't wake up every morning, roll over and open your phone, and be immediately faced with a tidal wave of anger and indignity. It wasn't built to be aware of fully how horrible the world is at any moment ALL AT ONCE, ALL THE TIME. And you will be. Because of another way that our brain works – the way we are more likely to share negative opinions. And because of the cottage industry built on farming outrage clicks, and because of constant performative activism.

It's not that I don't agree that being informed is important.

It's not that I don't agree that the causes people get riled up about are important.

They are. They absolutely are.

But we can't keep living like this. The constant, unending flood of tragedy, arguments, and hot takes. How much of the negativity we associate with online culture is the product of this feedback loop? What if the rise of doomer culture has been, if not entirely created by, has been nourished and exacerbated by our hostile attitudes toward each other?  Incels and TERFs, white supremacists, radfems, tankies and Trumpers – it seems like on every side of every issue, there are people simultaneously getting it wrong in multiple directions at once and there are more being radicalized every day. They are the toxic waste left behind by the state of discourse. And any hill is a hill worth dying on.

So what am I actually advocating? I don't know. There are a lot of fights going on right now that are important and we can't just climb into bunkers and ignore our problems hoping that Norman Reedus and his fine ass are going to leave the shit we need on our doorsteps. We need to find the strength to carry those hypothetical packages for ourselves sometimes - and hopefully, for others as well. Humans are social creatures. We need interaction and enrichment.

We need love.

So just try to remember the connections between humanity. Try to put more good stuff into the world when you can. Share more shitposts and memes. Tell your friends and family that you love them. Share good news when you hear it. Go on a weird fucking tangent about Death Stranding. Find a way to "be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes."

[rubykgrant]

I made a slightly condensed version of my Spooky Ref list; it still has a heck ton of movies and books, but now I combined certain categories, eliminated a few, and removed some of the titles that don’t quite fit. If you are looking for things to watch or read so you can get into the Halloween mood (or of you just like some creepy content), here you go!

Movies and Books for October

These range from children’s media to adult content, so be sure to check the ratings/reviews, this way you’ll find ones that are suitable for the right viewers. The dates of movies and names of authors for books are included to make searches easier

(a * symbol is for when a title is in both sections, a book that got made into a movie, ect)

Halloween and Ghosts

Movies- Hocus Pocus (1993), *the Halloween Tree (1993), the Nightmare before Christmas (1993), Trick r Treat (2007), Monster House (2006), Halloweentown (1998), the Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1949), Scary Godmother Halloween Spooktacular (2003), Poltergeist (1982), the Haunting (1999), Casper (1995), Ghostbusters (1984), the Haunted Mansion (2003), Thirteen Ghosts (2001), the Others (2001)

Books- How to Drive Your Family Crazy on Halloween by Dean Marney,*the Halloween Tree by Ray Bradbury, the Haunted Mask (Goosebumps) by RL Stine, Dark Harvest by Norman Partridge, Stonewords a Ghost Story by Pam Conrad, Deep and Dark and Dangerous by Mary Downing Hahn, Ghost Beach (Goosebumps) by RL Stine, All the Lovely Bad Ones by Mary Downing Hahn, the Crossroads by Chris Grabenstein, Wait Till Helen Comes by Mary Downing Hahn

 Witch/ESP/Mental Powers

Movies- *Practical Magic (1998), *the Wizard of Oz (1939), *the Witches (1990), Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989), Scooby-Doo and the Witch’s Ghost (1999) *Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001), the Craft (1996), the Witches of Eastwick (1987), *Carrie (1976), *Firstarter (1984), *Matilda (1996), the Last Mimzy (2007)

Books- *Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman, *the Witches by Roald Dahl, Charmed Life by Diana Wynne Jones, *Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by JK Rowling, *the Wizard of Oz by L Frank Baum, T*Witches by HB Gilmour and Randi Reisfeld, the Worst Witch by Jill Murphy, *Carrie by Stephen King, *Firestarter by Stephen King, *Matilda by Roald Dahl, Scorpion Shards (Star Shards Chronicles) by Neal Shusterman, the Witch’s Boy by Michael Gruber

 Vampire and Werewolf

Movies- Blade (1998), the Little Vampire (2000), Hellboy Blood and Iron (2007), *Hotel Transylvania (2012), Fright Night (2011), What We Do in the Shadows (2014), Alvin and the Chipmunks meet The Wolfman (2000), Ginger Snaps (2000), Van Helsing (2004) Wolf Children (2012), the Wolfman (1941)

Books- Bunnicula by James and Deborah Howe, Dracula by Bram Stoker, ‘Salem’s Lot by Stephen King, Red Rider’s Hood by Neal Shusterman, the Werewolf of Fever Swamp (Goosebumps) by RL Stine, Werewolves Don't Go to Summer Camp (Bailey School Kids) by Debbie Dadey and Marcia Jones, Blood and Chocolate by Annette Curtis Klause, Night of the Werepoodle by Constance Hiser

 Zombies and Slasher/Gore

Movies- Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998), ParaNorman (2012), Night of the Living Dead (1968), *Pet Sematary (1989), Zombieland (2009), Resident Evil (2002), Dawn of the Dead (2004) Scream (1996), a Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), *I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997), Kill Bill (2003), Happy Death Day (2017), the Hills Have Eyes (2006), US (2019), Friday the 13th (1980), the Thing (1982), *the Girl with all the Gifts (2016)

Books- *Pet Sematary by Stephen King, the Haunting of Derek Stone by Tony Abott, Welcome to Dead House (Goosebumps) by RL Stine, *I know What You Did Last Summer by Lois Duncan, the Dark Half by Stephen King, The Dead Girlfriend (Point Horror) by RL Stine, Another by Yukito Ayatsuji, the Prom Queen (Fear Street) by RL Stine, *the Girl with all the Gifts by MR Carey

 Demons/Possession/Afterlife

Movies- the Omen (1976), Insidious (2010), the Exorcist (1973), *Christine (1983), City of Angels (1998), All Dogs go to Heaven (1989), Fallen (1998), *Rosemary’s Baby (1968), Bedazzled (2000), What Dreams May Come (1998), the Book of Life (2014), Flatliners (2017), *the Lovely Bones (2009), Coco (2017), Jennifer’s Body (2009), the Mummy (1999)

Books- *Christine by Stephen King, Needful Things by Stephen King, HECK where the bad kids go by Dale E Bayse,* Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin, Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Paradise Lost by John Milton, Inferno by Dante Alighieri, *the Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

 Monsters/Mythology/Dangerous Animals

Movies- Monsters Inc (2001), Godzilla (1998), *a Monster Calls (2016), *Jurassic Park (1993), King Kong (1933), Doug’s 1st Movie (1999), Darkness Falls (2003), Atlantis the lost empire (2001), Sinbad Legend of the Seven Seas (2003), *the Last Unicorn (1982), Urban Legend (1998), *How to Train Your Dragon (2010), the Flight of Dragons (1982), Shrek (2001), *the Hobbit (1977), Quest for Camelot (1998), Ferngully the last rainforest (1992), Lake Placid (1999), Jaws (1975), *Cujo (1983), Deep Blue Sea (1999), Anaconda (1997)

Books- *a Monster Calls by Patrick Ness, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, *Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton, Sasquatch by Roland Smith, *the Last Unicorn by Peter S Beagle, the Moorchild by Eloise Jarvis McGraw, the Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians) by Rick Riordan, the Boggart by Susan Cooper, *How to Train Your Dragon by Cressida Cowell, Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville, *the Hobbit by JRR Tolkien, *Cujo by Stephen King, Cat in the Crypt (Animal Ark Hauntings) by Ben M Baglio, Congo by Michael Crichton, Watership Down by Richard Adams, the Dark Pond by Joseph Bruchac

 Dolls and Toys, Circus/Carnival/Clowns, Comedy Horror

Movies- *Coraline (2009), the Adventures of Pinocchio (1996), Child’s Play (1988), Toy Story (1995), 9 (2009), We’re Back a dinosaur’s story (1993), the Care Bears Movie (1985), Little Nemo adventures in Slumberland (1989), *Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983), *Big Top Scooby-Doo (2012), Killer Klowns from Outer Space, *IT (2017), *Beetlejuice (1988), Army of Darkness (1992), Gremlins (1984), Arachnophobia (1990), Jawbreaker (1999), Tremors (1990), the Frighteners (1996), Twilight Zone the Movie (1983), Little Shop of Horrors (1986), Eight Legged Freaks (2002), the Goonies (1985)

Books- Frozen Charlotte by Alex Bell, *Coraline by Neil Gaiman, No Flying in the House by Betty Brock, Doll Bones by Holly Black, Joyland by Stephen King, *Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury, the Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern, *IT by Stephen King, the Cuckoo Clock of Doom (Goosebumps) by RL Stine, a Dirty Job by Christopher Moore jr, Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (Treasury) by Alvin Schwartz and illustrated by Stephen Gammell, JTHM (Director’s Cut) by Jhonen Vasquez

 Gothic/Dark Fantasy, Curse/Transformation

Movies- *the Addams Family (1991), Rebecca (1940), Edward Scissorhands (1990), Mama (2013), the Phantom of the Opera (2004), Crimson Peak (2010), Legend (1985), the Dark Crystal (1982), Labyrinth (1986), *the Neverending Story (1984), *the Secret of NIMH (1982), Anastasia (1997), Howl’s Moving Castle (2004), Pan’s Labyrinth (2006), Willow (1988), *the Last Unicorn (1982), the Princess Bride (1987), *Legend of the Guardians the Owls of Ga'Hoole, Beauty and the Beast (1991), the Princess and the Frog (2009), the Swan Princess (1994), the Thing (1982), the Mask (1994), Freaky Friday (2003), Song of the Sea (2014), Pirates of the Caribbean the Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Books- the Raven by Edgar Allen Poe, the Shining by Stephen King, Remember Me by Mary Higgins Clark, a Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket, Well Witched (Verdigris Deep) by Frances Hardinge, Poison by Chris Wooding, *the Neverending Story by Michael Ende, *Mrs Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by Robert C O'Brien, a Tale Dark and Grimm by Adam Gidwitz, the Dark Portal by Robin Jarvis, Zel by Donna Jo Napoli, *the Last Unicorn by Peter S Beagle, *Guardians of Ga’Hoole by Kathryn Lasky, Owl in Love by Patrice Kindl

 Mystery/Thriller/Psychological/Suspense

Movies- Clue (1985), *Holes (2003), Get Out (2017), Hot Fuzz (2007), Minority Report (2002), Kidnap (2017), Saw (2004), Wind River (2017), Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988), the Great Mouse Detective (1986), Eve’s Bayou (1997), Breaking In (2018), Cube (1997), *Secret Window (2004), Silent Hill (2006), the Sixth Sense (1999), the Good Son (1993), Psycho (1960), Donnie Darko (2001), Fargo (1996), the Game (1997), the Invisible Man (2020), Breaking In (2018)

Books- *Holes by Louis Sachar, the Lost (the Outer Limits) by John Peel, We’ll Meet Again by Mary Higgins Clark, When the Bough Breaks by Jonathan Kellerman, *Secret Window Secret Garden (Four Past Midnight) by Stephen King, House of Stairs by William Sleator, Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, Dolores Claiborne by Stephen King, Tangerine by Edward Bloor, Lord of the Flies by William Golding, the Girl who Loved Tom Gordon by Stephen King

 Sci-Fi/Space Aliens, Robots and Technology

Movies- I Robot (2004), the Iron Giant (1999), the Terminator (1984), AI artificial intelligence (2001), the Stepford Wives (2004), Wall-E (2008), *Screamers (1995), *Sphere (1998), *Blade Runner (1982), *2001 a Space Odyssey (1968), MIB (1997), Mission to Mars (2000), Galaxy Quest (1999), Alien (1979), ET the extra terrestrial (1982), Independence Day (1996), Spaced Invaders (1990), Buzz Lightyear of Star Command the Adventure Begins (2000), Chicken Little (2005), *War of the Worlds (1953), *Contact (1997), Signs (2002), Treasure Planet (2002), Frequency (2000), Back to the Future (1985), the Time Machine (1960), Planet of the Apes (1968), Lost in Space (1998)

Books- the Terminal Man by Michael Crichton, Feed by Matthew Tobin Anderson, *Second Variety (Screamers) by Phillip K Dick, *I Robot by Isaac Asimov, Cell by Stephen King, *Sphere by Michael Crichton, *Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (Blade Runner) by Philip K Dick , *2001 a Space Odyssey by  Arthur C Clarke, a Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle, Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card, the Dark Side of Nowhere by Neal Shusterman, *War of the Worlds by HG Wells, *Contact by Carl Sagan, Childhood’s End by Arthur C Clarke, Aliens Don’t Wear Braces (the Baily School Kids) by Debbie Dadey and Marcia Jones, the Invasion (Animorphs) by KA Applegate

 Dystopia/Disaster, Other Worlds

Movies- Waterworld (1995), the Matrix (1999), Escape from New York (1981), *Demolition Man (1993), the Day After Tomorrow (2004), Volcano (1997), the Fifth Element (1997), Titan AE (2000), Armageddon (1998), Twister (1996), the Birds (1963), the Book of Eli, (2010) Spirited Away (2001), *Alice in Wonderland (1951), Pleasantville (1998), *the Phantom Tollbooth (1970), *the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005), *Hook (1991), the Pagemaster (1994), *James and the Giant Peach (1996)

Books- Among the Hidden by Margaret Peterson Haddix, Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, the Road by Cormac McCarthy, the House of the Scorpion by Nancy Farmer, 1984 by George Orwell, Armageddon Summer by Bruce Coville and Jane Yolen, the Giver by Lois Lowry, the City of Ember by Jeanne DuPrau, *Brave New World (Demolition Man) by Aldous Huxley, Malice by Chris Wooding, * the Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster, *Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, the Golden Compass (His Dark Materials) by Philip Pullman, *The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (the Chronicles of Narnia) by CS Lewis, *James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl

 Anime/Manga and J-Horror

Movies- Akira (1988), Perfect Blue (1997), Ring (1998), Dark Water (2002), Ghost in the Shell (1995), Tokyo Godfathers (2003), Cat Soup (2001), *Cowboy Bebop the Movie (2001), Blood the Last Vampire (2000), Pokemon the First Movie (1998), Sailor Moon R Promise of the Rose (1993), DBZ the World’s Strongest (1990), Digimon the Movie (2000), Ju-On (2000)

Manga- Claymore by Norihiro Yagi, Death Note by Tsugumi Ohba and illustrated by Takeshi Obata, *Yu Yu Hakusho by Yoshihiro Togashi, *Fullmetal Alchemist by Hiromu Arakawa, *Blue Exorcist by Kazue Kat��, *Soul Eater by Atsushi Ōkubo, *Inuyasha by Rumiko Takahashi,

Anime- *Yu Yu Hakusho, *Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, *Soul Eater, *Blue Exorcist, *Inuyasha, *Cowboy Bebop, Mob Psycho 100, .hack//SIGN , the Promised Neverland, Paranoia Agent, Tokyo Ghoul, Hellsing Ultimate

 Super Hero

Movies- Hellboy (2004), Ghost Rider (2007), the Incredibles (2004), Batman Beyond return of the Joker (2000), TMNT (2007), Logan (2017), Black Panther (2018), Sky High (2005), Spider-Man into the Spider-Verse (2018), Justice League Crisis on Two Earths (2010), Batman Under the Red Hood (2010)

Comics- Animal Man (New 52, 2011) DC Comics, Swamp Thing (New 52, 2011) DC Comics, BPRD Dark Waters (2012) Dark Horse Comics, Nextwave (Agents of HATE, 2006) Marvel Comics

Animated Series- Batman the Animated Series, X-Men Evolution, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003), Darkwing Duck, the Powerpuff Girls, Teen Titans (2005), Static Shock, Green Lantern the Animated Series

 Cartoons and TV shows

Over the Garden Wall, The Simpsons (Treehouse of Horrors), Regular Show (Terror Tales of the Park), Adventure Time (Stakes), Scooby-Doo Where Are You/What’s New Scooby-Doo,  El Tigre the Adventures of Manny Rivera, Phineas and Ferb (Night of the Living Pharmacists), Gravity Falls, Good Omens, Miracle Workers, Grimm, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, What We Do In the Shadows, Hotel Transylvania the series, Wolf’s Rain, Danny Phantom, Aaahh Real Monsters, the Munsters, So Weird, Tutenstein, Gargoyles, Xena Warrior Princess, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Tales from the Crypt, Goosebumps, Samurai Jack, Metalocalypse, Super Jail, My Life as a Teenage Robot, Futurama, the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, *Beetlejuice (animated series), Sabrina the Animated Series, the Owl House, Bewitched, Growing Up Creepy, the Addams Family (animated series), a Series of Unfortunate Events, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Star VS the Forces of Evil, Amphibia, Infinity Train, Penn Zero Part-Time Hero, Murder She Wrote, the Venture Bros, Avatar the Last Airbender, Invader ZIM, People of Earth, Star Trek Next Gen, Rick and Morty, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command

[tsuutarr]

Tsuu what's the plan now that October is finished?👀

I never plan

Jokes aside, I plan on answering asks so that I can clean out my inbox! There're a few asks I'm SUPER excited to answer <3 (I am also still 100% available for asks, so please feel free to send more in! :D)

I have a few fanfics in the works so those will be out sometime in November (hopefully!!!)!

I have some yandere content planned too~ Alice Atelier is an Alice in Wonderland inspired yandere story series I'll be writing + I'm plotting out a short visual novel rn! I also want to do an Otome Isekai series involving Geoffrey (a butler) and a few other yanderes for a fun yandere Otome Isekai harem hehe. Other than that, I have a few shorts I'm planning to do also!

I wasn't able to do a Monstertober or kinktober this October since I was doing Yantober, so I'd like to do a December challenge or something! Maybe Monstercember or Kinkcember idk -- regardless, I hope to make some more monster fucker content soon (Monster Dick Delivery Service in specific).

[nightcoremoon]

so for the first time I saw batman: the killing joke.

...

it was okay I guess. but massively overrated. I expected some fucking masterpiece of cinema but instead it was just two unrelated short films that were more style and flash than substance.

so first off, barbara's storyline was mediocre. franz wasn't a compelling villain; just a creep, and a trust fund brat. oh wow he's a mafia kid who stole his family's fortune by hacking. if it was the falcone family I'd have cared more but it wasn't so it's just some faceless deathfodder rando. who gives a shit. the whole situation was just a vehicle to shove batman's dick into babs. which kinda fucks over bruce's character here and judging by the timeline kinda makes him a bit of a groomer, yikes. bruce and gordon have known each other since bruce was a young boy and we know that bruce is way older than babs so yeah bruce totally knew her from birth until present day, he literally utilized an active power dynamic to police her crimefighting activities, and he should have fucking known better and stopped her when she kissed him because it would (and did) compromise their professional dynamic, but hey, batdick. and at least barbara recognized that she was behaving emotionally rather than logically when it came to bruce and paris and took the high road out. that would be a serviceable standalone episode to write her on a bus in a serialization but THIS IS A MOVIE. so for a waste of an already short runtime it's like having an appetizer before your meal but instead of something like a crab cake before stuffed flounder, you get greasy onion petals that are more fried batter than onion before getting a well done cheeseburger that's just a glorified hockey puck on a sponge with a kraft single on top. the animation and vocal delivery were excellent of course, not gonna disparage that aspect, so it was well made, but the writing was just not very good. a polished turd. quantic dream must have developed it then because it feels like I watched a david cage production.

so in a 78 minute movie, five of which were the credits, we had a half hour Disney/Pixar short except those bring joy and this brought boring. also there were a lot of shots of her ass tits and underwear that were obnoxiously male-gazey and there was a token gay for the sole purpose of dangling a carrot on a stick for the queers. look kids, warner brothers and dc comics cares about the lgbts! give us money! a waste of time before the real reason why anyone came to see the movie that literally only exists to pad out the runtime to make it a feature length (even though paying a full ticket would've been a total ripoff because, again, IT WAS ONLY 78. even 9 was 81 minutes long and that had an amazing storyline so I forgave it, but 78 minutes? ugh.

also, GOTHAM RAGE??? CRINGE. SO CRINGE.

alright now for the joker segment.

*ahem*

what the fuck? that sucked! *throws tomato*

mark hamill and the joker's lines and the art and the cinematography and the choreography was all good and the plot was cohesive. I get it.

but holy shit was the writing weak as fuck.

okay so some rando breaks the J-ster out of Arkham (already unlikely but ugh whatever), he didn't turn a trick or recruit or anything, he just went to purchase a carnival. or, steal one. but wait, he DID recruit, but he went to get all of the stereotypical Circus Freak™ stereotypes. little people, fat lady, bearded lady, wolf man, strongman, diaper man (wait, what?), and the two headed woman. I guess if you don't really think about why all of them were super readily available in the outskirts between arkham and gotham [i just realized they both end with -am] then it makes enough sense. and then literally right after that HE RECRUITS SOME GUYS TO HELP HIM KIDNAP GORDON. and then strips and photographs barbara. um. ew. you can tell the writer and director were men. Alan Moore is constantly molesting women in his comics and this one trick pony should be put down already. but whatever. the plot is weak and it only gets saved by the flashback sequences.

oh.

oh no.

they're not that great.

he's a failed unfunny comedian who just wants some money to move his wife to a better house so he turns to thievery with the mob. OR YOU COULD JUST STOP GOING TO THE BAR AND BLOWING IT ALL ON BOOZE. I mean the cops knew where to find him after all so clearly he's a repeat customer (or moore is a bad plot writer who relies on convenience and shut the fuck up and don't critically analyze it). alright so he gets wrapped up in the mob to perform a heist on a playing card factory. GET IT, BECAUSE HE'S THE JOKER??? and he uses the moniker of the red hood to retain his anonymity. I expected the mobsters to be working for francisco but no the paris storyline was only cooked up screenplay for passing the runtime so why would they do something clever and interesting and make the film cohesive? that'd be really stupid to make the movie feel more like one movie and not two short films. at least when grindhouse & planet terror did it they advertised themselves as an anthology film. whatever. he falls in the vat of acid which melts the red hood to his face and I gotta say that's actually a pretty good idea to get his face white and his hair green and his lips red. I like that part. oh wait I forgot about the most important part! his wife gets shoved in the refrigerator. OH WOW THAT'S JUST SO COMPELLING AND ORIGINAL, TOTALLY NOT SOMETHING THAT ALREADY HAPPENED TO GREEN LANTERN. TWICE. although she wasn't literally shoved into a literal refrigerator like alex was. rip in frozen pieces you absolute legend of a trope namer. alright, so... so the joker is sad because his wife died. you know, the wife we saw for two minutes and knew the moment we saw her drenched in sepia she was gonna die. and she died offscreen. kyle's gf died and he was fine. gordon's wife died and he was fine. batman's parents both died and he was fine. oh boo hoo someone I love died! fuck off. I am so goddamn sick of people trying to justify their evil with "I was sad once". it's a stupid trope and it's not compelling. the only valid version is doctor doofenshmirtz' evil(er) version in the PF movie because it's hilarious that it's because of a toy train because that's the emotional depth that fridgewomen is treated with in all of these storylines. but at least batman said so. oh yeah, I almost totally forgot, batman's in this movie.

batman punches people and nonlethally takes them out. by suffocating them and letting them get stabbed and throwing them into pits of spikes and HEY WAIT A GODDAMN SECOND! okay let's just ignore that bit and hope that the little people squeezed between the gaps in the spikes and the strongman could breathe in the face mask and the two headed women had KO gas and the fat lady was fat enough that the knives only stabbed her cellulite. it wouldn't be the biggest reach one would have to make in watching this fucking disaster of a plot mess.

now I did like that it was actually batman, and by that I mean he gave a shit about the insane because he recognizes that mental illness is not a cause of dangerous or criminal behavior, just a potential exacerbating factor if it wasn't treated. yeah he brutalized mobsters and crime lords but they were mostly in self defense while gathering intel. he politely asked sal maroni and the sex workers for information and they gave it to him without violence- he manhandled maroni but only after he reached into his pocket for a cigar which could've been a gun. also batman says sex work should be decriminalized if only by not ratting them out to the cops. he was a genuinely good person in the second half of the movie. too bad it was ruined by the shitty first half that made him a borderline groomer.

joker's song was... bad. mark hamill performed his ass off but the song wasn't that good. it just tried to be willy wonka if he was a voyeuristic monster. oh yeah have the only girl character be paralyzed stripped and photographed only to give her father ManPain™. again... the fuck? joker and batman were both gross but, again. male writers. if it was a one-off I could drop a thermian argument because, alright one and done makes sense, especially 1988 standards. but it saturated and soured the entire goddamn movie because of abhorrent pacing decisions. so you're goddamn right I'm gonna bring it up twice! joker was a creep, his plan was dumb, nolan and burton and lord/miller and even ayer had better motivations. YES I AM SAYING THAT JARED LETO'S JOKER HAD BETTER WRITING THAN MARK HAMILL'S JOKER. not nearly to the level of ledger nicholson or galifanakis but hamill didn't have a lot to work with here and I maintain that his performance was amazing; honestly I like his the best out of all of them but just... not here. but I think I can cut some slack to firelord ozai and luke skywalker even if he just phoned it in here which he didn't. writing was just weak. and that's all there is to it. don't anon me and threaten to remove my bones ok?

alright so batman and joker fought and joker got the upper hand and was gonna kill him but it was a prop gun. haha. they had a heart to heart and batman tells joker that he wants to help him get better, even after joker killed robin and molested barbara and traumatized gordon and did countless other travesties, he still said he would help. but joker said no, and told a joke that was good enough to make batman laugh. and then the credits rolled.

...

what a completely pointless and empty ending. oh it's deep and meaningful and poignant? ok sure, I guess, movie, but you didn't earn that. shyamalan did the same thing a dozen times. that doesn't make him any less of a shit writer.

I can understand the concept of batman laughing at joker's joke, humanizing him.

I get it. I see what they tried to do. I respect it.

but this movie was massively overhyped and overrated and I expected it to be so much better than it was. but overall to me it was just another batman cartoon to throw on top of the pile. maybe it was influential to graphic novels. maybe it shaped batman into what he is today. it published right as tim burton's movie and I can respect its place in the pantheon of comic history. but sometimes things that are classic...

aren't that great.

citizen kane, casablanca, the maltese falcon, the treasure of the sierra madre, gone with the wind, singing in the rain, all of them are classic and legendary pieces of art. but they're just not that good, interesting, appealing, watchable, or FUN. they were good at the time- I mean come on we all know them today- but on going back you'd have to really appreciate the finer details to still love the movies today. and this belongs there, in the vault, to be appreciated from afar. influential if dated.

but god am I still disappointed nonetheless.

TL;DR

it was just okay. had some good ideas, had some really bad ideas, had some ugly stuff. overall mediocre. first half 5/10, second half 7/10, overall 6/10.

[popculturebuffet]

House of Mouse Review: Not So Goofy or The Ungoofy Is Upon Us!

GG

Welcome back to the RIDE OF THE THREE CABLLEROS. And i’m hitting the ground running to continue the trek after some lessened activity over the holiday weekend. Especially with Christmas season already there.. and.. things to take care of. 

Your time will come, you blighted hell of an episode. But no today we’re talking about something actually good! It’s Not So Goofy! It’s back on in to the house of mouse as this was only one year after the previous episode. We’re on to season 2 though frankly i’d have to re-watch more of the show to spot a difference. The show really didn’t change all that much between seasons. The only difference i’ve heard of is Pete is ENTIRELY absent this season, so my long spiel on him being on the show continues to be worthless and I continue to not regret it. But since I covered most of the stuff I knew about the series and how much I liked it last time we can dive straight into the episode> And this one was a treat for me as Goofy was my faviorite watching this show back in the day and is tied with donald now as my faviorite of the classic characters.. not that it’s hard competition but still I love both. Goofy is kind, clumsy, and a loving father, he’s who we are and who we want to be all in one. As with last time, which you can find on the disney tab on my blog, i’ll be reviewing the host segment seperate from the short’s for coherency’s sake. So with that in mind...

NOT SO GOOFY: Hot Goofy on Beast Action We open with Mickey intorducing the show and everyone chanting house of mouse, house of mouse, which makes me want a version of the show that’s a disney fight club, with over the top smash bros or scott pilgrim style battles. God that’s a project I never completed.. reviewing that series... maybe some day i’ll just start from scratch and do that.. HINT. Point is instead  of Disney Fight Club, we get goofy breaking a bunch of shit, because this episode he’s extra clumsy. Though thanks tot his I am reminded the HOM’s jaintoral staff is the brooms from fantasia, which is a nice touch and we get a nice bit of Minnie sending all of them after Goofy keeps breaking stuff. So despite Mickey being the one interrupted constantly, everyone else is hte one to point it out, Minnie politley everyone else just sorta barging in. I was going to give out about them giving out when none of them were effected but.. really bad wait service really dose impact them all: Donald is co owner so if goofy injures someone he has to help pay the setlement, Minnie runs the staff and has had to have her brooms work double to clean up, Hoarace has to clean up structural damage, Daisy is guest services so she has to hear about it, Clarabelle only heard a rumor and Gus is chef so he has to remake the food. So i’m sympathetic to all of them.. except Gus. Gus your only gimmicks are your lazy, you eat things, and in animations case you only communicate by honking obnoxiously. You don’t get to insult a comedic genuis for doing his bit. 

But Goofy overhears this and is upset, saying they want him to be the oppsitie of goofy, ungoofy. I mean technically your right, but an ungoofy would be something more like this. 

“I WAIT INSIDE YOUR HOUSE UNTIL THE CRESENT DAWN THEN ONE BY ONE YOU’LL ALL BE GONE. “

See nothing like goofy. But no ungoofy in this episode’s case is just goofy acting refined and posh. And to help with that after the first cartoon, aka half the episode as i’m now realizing is standard, is...

I will never get tired of doing that. Rob Paulsen is back as Jose, and does a MUCH BETTER job this time. Though really that’s also because he has more to actually work with this time, so he can actually play the character. Him being a white guy playing a Brazilian is still unfortunate, still not his fault, and was covered more last time. We’ll get into how Jose helps goofy after the cut. 

So Jose helps goofy try to ungoofy himself.. which as established isn’t how that works but hey. So we get a funny montage of Goofy learning the ropes of being significant, getting a turkey on his head, and backslapping jose so hard he flies into the next room and goofy wonders where he is. I don’t have much to add, it’s just funny. It’s why reviewing comedy is hard. Besides being subjective sometimes that’s the most you can say. 

So it works, and Goofy helps everyone in a dignified manner.. and this is where the plot starts to slip up slightly, as for starters Goofy’s apperance is the same, he’s just closing his eyes a lot. He’s also not really doing anything wrong... the closest he gets is massaging bugs out of the beasts hair when he has an itch. 

And that’s because he didn’t ask if they have an open marraige.. I mean they probably do, Belle’s open minded and beast has needs, but still, he should’ve asked. Otherwise it’s going great.  As for where it goes wrong.. it’s because he dosen’t really DO anything bad. He isn’t an uptight jerkass about it or anything, he isn’t mean or tyranical to the customers or dosen’t transition to that he’s just.. not himself. Which isn’t good, btu the most he does in that regard is just not give the goofy laugh. Mickey and Minnie just suddenly kind of decided “Whelp this is bad let’s fix that”. And Disney would do this better, one of the Mickey Mouse shorts had Minnie, swooning over a sophisicated gentelman type on tv, give Mickey finishing lessons which turned him into a snobbish monster who broke up with her for daring to serve Bologna and not having a waiter. That WORKED.. and not just because we got Donald and Goofy kidnapping Mickey. But because we were shown there was nothing wrong with him in the first place, and there was something bad with the change. 

Here Goofy’s just.. compitent at his job. he’s not cruel to say max or clarabelle, he’s just refined. He should be himself, i’m entirely on board with that, but he’s not shown being worse off. I’m not saying he should stay posh, just give him a clear reason why his life is worse off this way is all. It’s basic storytelling.  But since Jose can’t just.. undo his training because he dosen’t know how they bring in Panchito! And we get another delightful song as Panchito tries to give a good lesson on being yourself with the help of his fellow cabs by explaning his long ass middle name... with Rob Paulsen’s voice. Yeah while Rob dosen’t play Panchito outside of song, he does end up voicing him for the number, likely because of his signature rapid fire delivery in music, but still does a GREAT job at that too. Serously I wasn’t just trying to placate people calling him a legend last time, he REALLY is fantastic, he was just given nothing to work with and here the diffrence shows as the song is really catchy, really beautifully animated and really fun and really plays to Rob’s strengths. Again casting a white man as a Latino is .. pretty sketchy, but it’s not Rob’s fault and i’m sure if Carlos was even offered the song, or even if he wansn’t, Rob apologized for it and made sure it was okay> Wether it actually was I don’t know but I can’t genuinely see Rob Paulson as the kind of guy to be racisit or steal rolls or any of that stuff. It’s likely they just knew he could sing fast and wanted to do that and dind’t think through implications. 

The song dosen’t quite work so they play a short, and when that fails Mickey closes the show sincerly thanking everyone and apologizing to Goofy. Goofy is restored.. horay? What do you think ungoofy?

“SOON THE APOTHEOSIS WILL BE APON THEE AND ALL WILL BE GOOF. ALL WILL BE GOOF. “ Oh you always say that Final Thoughts on Not So Goofy Wraparound: Not terrible, but it’s really thin plot wise. but joke and song wise it’s REALLY good, so overall i’d say i’ts just okay> Not a great or memorable plot, or an original one really, btu the use of the cabs is FAR better this time around, the song is really damn good, and there are some good jokes, so overall it works. Like the last one the wraparound is nothing specail, but it’s still deeply entertaining. Speaking of entertaining, let’s talk shorts. 

Roller Coaster Painters:  It’s one of those old “Mickey, Donald and Goofy” have a buisness deals, where all are hired to paint a rollercoaster with the person who does the most getting a free pass for life and Donald naturally being the only one who cares. A paint war insues between Donald and Mickey... mostly because Donald wants the prize real bad and Mickey wants to “give him a run for his money” instead of just helping him because he’s a dick I guess? I dunno, but it escalates to them paiting each other and, in my favorite part, Donald stealing shit from the park to create a paint arsenal for himself, forging the prize to get his revenge. Fun paint base fighting ensues, and Goofy inevitably wins and rips the thing. SImple, but really charming with really fluid and wonderful animation helping accenutate the hyjinks. Really good slaptstick stuff and a VAST improvment over the last episode’s longer short. 

Goofy’s Extreme Sports Wakeboarding:  Just a fun, silly skit of Goofy wakeboarding, my faviorite bit being him doing the tantrum, which his him doing a child’s tantrum in mid-air. What was your faviorite bit UnGoofy?

“BEHOLD MY SEED, THE SEED OF YOUR DOOM, THE SEED OF ALL WORLDS AND THE SEED OF ALL BLOOMS!” 

Awwwwww.... he has a kid now. 

How to Wash Dishes: Another How to Bit. Not as strong as the last one but still fun and throughly relatable as Goofy’s a dishwasher, which having been one twice now, I can relate to his surly disposition at the narrator guy talking it up. The Narrator then.. has goofy run up credit card debt because he’s a terrible person, hijinks ensue, and Goofy ends up.. washing dishes. Overall a fun short, and again relatable as Washing Dishes is not great. Not quite as good as the other two, but still enjoyable because well. it’s goofy after all. 

OveralL Thoughts: This was more like it. While the plot of the main segment was kind of thin and nonsensical in places... it worked because this is more of a comedy show and the wraparounds are more focused on jokes and crossover gags than a real plot, and worked SLIGHTLY better. The shorts were also really great, making this a hell of a lot more fun to watch. Highly recommend it to any cabs or house of mouse fan or if your intrested in house of mouse, this is a good one to try out.  If you liked this review, reblog it, like it, comment etc etc, and if you have an episode of house of mouse, another disney show, or just another show in general you’d like me to cover you can comission episodes by sending me a direct message on here or an ask to get my discord to hash things out there. Right now comissions are ONLY 3 bucks through monday, so get em now while their hot! And until next time there’s always another rainbow.  NEXT TIME: It’s Don Rosa again! Horary!. 

[darkarfs]

This is gonna make so many horrible people unhappy. EVERY Takeover has had at least one match-of-the-year candidate on it. Some of the most emotional moments in that brand have come from cards that even aren't quite as good. I even considered not doing this list, because, by all accounts, NXT Takeover: Tampa isn't even going ahead. But then I thought, fuck it, let's celebrate, taken all together, for my taste, the best wrestling product in the history of mankind. It's not just moves; it's emotional investment, sharply-focused, character-based storytelling, intricately-performed spectactle from the greatest physical specimens ever to lace their boots. It FINALLY legitimized Western women's wrestling in the mainstream (Michelle McCool, Trish, Molly, Mickie, Jazz, Victoria, you all were stunning performers in your own right, but you and your kind were, until NXT, only given 3 minutes: the longest women's match IN HISTORY, until 'Mania 32, was Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James at Wrestlemania 22, and it got 9 minutes.), it's got some of the greatest tag wrestling ever seen on ANY brand, it's created the longest-drawn storytelling ever, it's the best of the indies, the best of the WWE, wrapped up in a sequence of shows that were epic without being FIVE FUCKING HOURS LONG.

Where do I even start...?

Honorable mention: Takeover: R Evolution (I have to, because I've only got 10) Sami Zayn spends over a year, clawing and sweating and tearing walls down, just to get to the top of the mountain in NXT. He has the opportunity to cheat, but does it his OWN way, as beautiful, unique babyface Sami Zayn...before being no-scoped by his best friend, who debuted THAT NIGHT. The undercard isn't as strong, so I can't officially include it, but this payoff, this triumph, and this tragedy represents everything the first era of NXT was, and kickstarted it, truly, onto its first golden era. So, properly, then...

10. Takeover: Rival If you leave this list feeling like the title reigns, and thus, ERAS, of Zayn/Owens are a little under-represented by it, I completely understand. After all, so much good came from that time. American Alpha soldifying themselves as the dominant tag team, the Iron-Woman match between Sasha and Bayley, Becky Lynch putting all the pieces together, Enzo and Cass actually being GOOD...it was, still, at its heart, a developmental brand at that time. It had indie megastars, yes, but it also had the likes of Bull Dempsey. And that's not a dig at Bull Dempsey, it's just that those early Takeovers were an eclectic mix of skill levels, which is what NXT was at that time. It was a place to showcase these people. That said, some of these cards were truly *fantastic.* Case in point: Takeover: Rival. Not only was the undercard completely stacked (Hideo Itami vs. Tyler Breeze over-delivered; we had the first and still SOMEHOW ONLY Fatal 4-Way match between the Four Horsewomen; and Finn Balor vs. Neville was a solid match of the year candidate), but the main event was the first step in one of the most storied rivalries in the history of wrestling: Zayn vs. Owens. The video package is one of the best NXT ever did, and the match...was a masterpiece of simple-but unexpected booking. Zayn mistimes a leap to the outside, hits his head, and Owens responds by powerbombing him over...and over...and over again, until the ref stops the match. Zayn loses nothing, because he was never pinned, Owens is made to look even MORE the loathsome monster, and Zayn's title reign ends after just a month, without the champion nor the championship devalued in any way. It showed that NXT knew, even then, how to reward fans for their emotional investment.

9. Takeover: Portland Right now, NXT feels like it's approaching the very end of a special time in its life. Like it's on the verge of hitting critical mass. One of either Gargano or Ciampa probably leaving the company after the next Takeover, and the reign of the Undisputed Era seems to be crumbling, too. In yesteryear, this would indicate a raft of very important call-ups, neccessitating a shift in the roster and a period of calm centered around more patient character-building. NXT's existence now as a third brand throws that formula into uncertainty, but it definitely feels like they're ramping up to a finale, because goddamn, this is NXT almost at a point of self-parody. Every match is so. MUCH. Lee/Dijakovic is the pinnacle of HOT wrestling (and Lee, will you marry me?) Bianca Belair breaks out as an actual superstar...just as Charlotte decides to visit and to ruin everything, which is just dreadful timing. Gargano/Balor being everything we need it to be, and also Balor pinning Gargano with his fucking dick. And the Broserweights being VERY DUMB...but also VERY, VERY GOOD. The only thing that lets this card down...and this is obviously subjective...is that NXT has almost come TOO FAR, now, in its delivery on its main events, in that every kickout starts to beggar belief. On the level of Triple H/Undertaker at Wrestlemania 28, in that I still love it, but...hoo, it can be exhausting. Depends on how much Ring of Honor you like in your gumbo, I guess, but it feels like everyone on the roster is racing toward Tampa to explode, like a wrestling Crisis on Infinite Earths, and then MAYBE...things can calm down. Just a hair. Y'know, if Tampa even...still happens.

8. Takeover: Philadelphia If there's one man that's become synonymous with NXT, it's Johnny fucking Wrestling. You know, what would happen if a meerkat put on muscle mass and became the best set-piece wrestler this side of Daniel Bryan. We knew since he started his tag team with Tommaso Ciampa that he was an exceptional wrestler, but it wasn't until Philadelphia, and his INSANE match with Andrade "Cien" Almas, that we saw him as truly the industry's next star. It was the first Takeover match to go over 30 minutes (Sasha/Bayley at Respect went EXACTLY 30, don't @ me), it was the first NXT match to get 5 stars from Dave Meltzer (if that matters to you), and it set a new bar for Takeover main events. And while the undercard doesn't live up to it, it's still loaded with excellent matches. A.O.P. vs. the Undisputed Era is something special. Shayna Baszler makes her Takeover debut, and while she's nowhere near her prime, it cemented her immediately. Velveteen Dream and Kassius Ohno have a very fun match, and Aleister Black and Adam Cole have a ludcriously stupid no-holds-barred match, featuring two men doing with chairs what no one ought to do with chairs. But as good as all of that is, it's really a one match show, but what a match, and Ciampa ending it by being an utter bastard yet again.

7. Takeover: Brooklyn I Does the first Brooklyn Takeover feature Canadian Destroyers, 18 kick-outs and "fight forever" chants? It does not. Does it create moments of wrestling happiness that are rarely, if ever, replicated? It sure does. Firstly, Blue Pants appears and helps the Vaudevillains defeat Blake and Murphy. Seems quaint to look back on it, but it made everyone SO goddamn HAPPY that night. If you're forgetting, Leva Bates (that wrestling librarian in AEW right now) was once a comedy jobber in NXT, who wore Blue Pants. Adorable. Ignore what happened on the main roster (which is something you'll probably have to do with a lot of these shows, I imagine), but the Vaudevillains were once incredibly over (I promise!), and their win was one of several beam-inducing moments from this stellar night. Samoa Joe destroyed Baron Corbin at the height of his game, Apollo Crews debuted brilliantly (again, ignore what happens next!) and Balor and Owens' ladder match was also fantastic. Also, what's Jushin Thunder Liger doing here?? Wrestling like he's in his early 30s, that's goddamn what!! But of course, the reason we're all here is Sasha Banks vs. Bayley, and...there's still something in my eye. Anytime people want to rag on NXT for being "predictable," remind them that giving the people a moment they've genuinely prayed for...is a good thing. Bayley besting Sasha Banks at her prime just made us all...so happy. All of us. Everyone. When that curtain call took place, it was so earned. The narrative of women's wrestling dominated most of 2015, and this moment, this match, was the apex of that narrative.

6. Takeover: Chicago I And speaking of feelings...hello, Ciampa, you godless fuck. And so begins maybe the actual greatest rivalry in all of NXT. It is truly an odyessy, with twists, turns, injuries, betrayals, wounds torn open, and this is the nexus point. Well, the seeds had already sort of been planted, because Triple H knows what he's doing. Ciampa almost ALMOST turns on Gargano after their terrific match in the Cruiserweight Classic, only for the team to die another day...and what a death it was. After a great ladder match, the two stand atop the ramp, and you think "will it happen?" And the absolute bastards show you the copyright logo, just to make you think the show ends there, because it always does, seconds after that happens. You unclench, you breathe out, relax...Ciampa whispers "this is MY moment" and then...It is a perfectly engineered bait-and-switch, and exactly as vicious as it needs to be. Pats on the back, all 'round. This moment alone makes this a worthwhile Takeover, but there's also a hell of an undercard. The women's triple-threat (Ruby Riott vs. Asuka vs. Nikki Cross) is stellar, Bobby Roode and Hideo Itami have their respective best Takeover matches ever, and then there was Tyler Bate vs. Pete Dunne. An absolute show-stealer of a match, a star-making performance for both men (especially Dunne), it cemented the career of several men, and was a fully-formed GREAT show, as opposed to a good show in service to a storyline.

5. Takeover: Brooklyn IV Gargano and Ciampa's battle of brotherhood, betrayal and brainwashing was supposed to blow off at Takeover: New York, but because God hates necks, Tomato Champion was out of action, making this the final singles encounter to date, until Tampa (again, IF it even happens). This is the weakest of their 3 excellent encounters (which still makes it better than any match over SummerSlam weekend), but it also features Johnny Stupid running into a speaker, because his dumb ass can't seem to quit Ciampa. It's one of the greatest long-form feuds for a reason, mirroring Bret and Owen from 1993 into 1994, with all the repeated imagery, the callbacks, the nuances, the psychological cruelty. The street fight at Chicago II is MAYBE better, but this undercard, for me, is a lot stronger. It featured the Undisputed Era vs. Moustache Mountain, aka the Brothers Shithead vs. the Proud Circus Bear and His Beautiful Son. Velveteen Dream vs. EC3 was the closest NXT got to WWE-style storytelling and was still brilliant (remember when EC3 wrestled?), and HEY, wouldn't you know it, Kairi Sane was once a character with dimensions, as evidenced by an amazing match with Shayna Bazsler. But what makes this undercard truly stellar is Adam Cole vs. Ricochet. It is so nice to see Ricochet used well, etc., but I will still never stop pissing myself at Cole nailing him square in the jaw with a superkick WHILE HE'S MID-MOONSAULT UPSIDE-DOWN SWEET JESUS. Sometimes...sometimes...things fall exactly into place.

4. Takeover: WarGames (2018) The WarGames Takeovers are just so silly. It's a silly shoebox, filled with huge, silly men who only barely know why they're killing each other. It's as close as we ever get to WWE's now-terminal problem of "set aside whatever feuds you have right now, because it's Stipulation Month!" (see: Hell In a Cell, most Money In the Bank shows, though Elimination Chamber largely sidesteps this). The other Shoebox Takeovers are really good, no doubt, but this one stands head-and-shoulders above the rest. But there is not a bad match on this card. Kassius Ohno rides Matt Riddle's knee all the way to heaven; NXT shows why 2-out-of-3-falls is fast becoming its signature stipulation with the excellent blowoff between Sane/Baszler; Sexy Mindgames Prince had a star-making match against Tommaso Ciampa, showing why he may be the best overall character in NXT right now, and sweet lord, Aleister Black vs. Johnny Wrestling. It somehow showed that Gargano was JUST AS, if NOT MORE engaging as a dirtbag than as a good guy. And those Black Masses are presents just for me, a guy who tends to like more community theater in his wrestling than flips ("I ABSOLVE YOU...OF ALL YOUR SINS!"). And then we get to the Shoebox, and gosh it's silly! The Viking Experience, Ricochet and Pete Dunne take on the Undisputed Era, and...its a fucking LOT. 45 minutes of spots and smashing, with just a sprinkling of story, with Fish locking Dunne in his cage so he can't participate in the match. Since this seems to be what this match is designed for...let's rattle off some spots! Ricochet, jumping from one ring to the other! That amazing face-off that recreates the Captain America: Civil War poster! Perhaps the beefiest Tower of Doom in all of wrestling! And then Ricochet proving just how amazing he is...with the double moonsault off the top of the cage. What a stupid thing to do in an amazing, amazing show.

3. Takeover: Dallas I get it; a lot of people might not rank this Takeover quite so high. But it might be my actual personal favorite...? Overall...? More than any other Takeover, this show feels the most like it's filled with living, breathing superheroes. Many NXT stars are seen as just indie guys whose only gimmick is "I'm a very good wrestler," making them almost anti-WWE at the core. But NXT doesn't get enough credit for being, at its core, the best aspects of WWE. The showmanship, the things that elevate mere wrestlers to things like monsters, gods, and demons. I will always like my NXT WWE-style: the best wrestling cut with the most theater, the most camp. And Dallas is that concept, writ large. Baron Corbin coming out with lil' skulls on his shoulders. American Alpha finally becoming Super Saiyan Nerds. Asuka killing our hero, because Bayley is a person, and Asuka is a goddess who can perform brain surgery with her feet. Finn Balor coming out and going actual Texas Chainsaw Massacre on Samoa Joe. It's excellent wrestling, near-mythic visuals...and then we get to Nakamura/Zayn. The most special moment of a very special night. It is, from nearly every perspective, perfect. The hype of the crowd, salivating with anticipation. That moment when Nakamura appears in silhouette, and that violin note slides like a knife across steel, to reveal the man who set New Japan aflame. Sami Zayn getting the best possible swan song in a promotion built almost entirely on HIS back. The end of his era. That bit where they just KEEP PUNCHING ONE ANOTHER. I know it's not a perfect show (Balor/Joe stops for 3 minutes to address a cut on Joe's forehead, stalling its momentum; that Corbin/Ares match isn't as good as it could be) but that all means nothing. It's a sentimental choice, and I'd make it #1 if I could.

2. Takeover: New Orleans I went around and around in my head, and this one and #1 kept jockeying for position in my brain. But these top two Takeovers are literally note-perfect, from ship to shore, soup to nuts, top to tails. So if this is YOUR favorite? (Honestly, maybe 1 person I know who loves wrestling as much as I do will even see this mess). I'm here for you, and I understand. But this show has TWO 5-star matches from the Wrestling Observer, and I don't ever agree with that. In this case, I agree with BOTH, in the North American Championship ladder match, and the first (and so far, BEST) match in the Gargano/Ciampa feud. Everything. Is. Amazing. Shayna Bazsler became Women's Champion after BEAST-MODING her SHOULDER back INTO IT'S SOCKET to show that, YES, she gets pro-wrestling. Roderick Strong shocked the world (and the System) by joining the Undisputed Era and becoming the final Chaos Emerald needed to make that stable Super Sonic. Aleister Black took the championship from Andrade "Cien" Almas and SMILED, I fucking SAW IT! And it all depends on what you want from your wrestling, but Gargs/Tamps might actually be the best main event in Takeover history, at least from a storytelling standpoint. The crutch, the neckbrace. Each man going back to their DIY roots (the tag team - they didn't build another ring when that one broke), and then sitting side-by-side, like they did at the Cruiserweight Classic. Brothers. Completely spent. Destroyed. No one but each other. And then Ciampa shits any chance at redemption up the goddamn wall, cementing his own destruction. Every. Bit. Counts.

and #1...

Takeover: New York For a whole bunch of other wrestling fans, this has the greatest main event in Takeover history. But first, let's take a minute to appreciate how lucky we are, or were, that NXT exists. It justfies the existence of WWE, artistically, almost by itself. If this one's only slightly worse than New Orleans, it is argued, it's that the North American title ladder match was TOO good, and hurt every other match on the card. It has been argued. Not by me, but this one is somehow the most perfectly paced, perfectly sized wrestling card, on its own, ever. Every match, through alchemy or magic, manages to enthrall the crowd equally, and completely. The Viking Raiders vs. Grumpy Smaller Undertaker and the Human Pinball was off the hook incredible, and that warm "thank you" feeling has translated, currently to a man trapped in a room and a man trapped in Vince McMahon's scorn for smaller wrestlers, respectively. Matt Riddle and Velveteen Dream put on an absolute fantasy match, pitting the best of MMA vs. the best of WWE-style theatricality, and adds to the complete, demented character-world of this brand, and the fact that Dream WINS against one of the hottest new prospects is so deserved, and shows that he can, and will, shine forever brighter. Then AAAAGH WALTER vs. Pete Dunne! WALTER LAYS into poor Dunne, his chops alone having you believe that after the match, he's going to run into the arena's parking lot to FIGHT THE CARS. Then Shirai vs. Baszler vs. Sane vs. Belair and goddammit how do I even expound on that without crashing thesarus.com? And then Johnny Gargano and Adam Cole wrestled for. 40. MINUTES. With Gargano as the defacto heel because it was allegedly Cole's time. And by the match's end, he had the crowd more behind him than maybe they ever had been before. Is it a bit much? Yes. Too many kickouts? Probably. But it stands as the apex of Johnny Wrestling's journey. After everything had been taken from him: DIY, his health, his sanity, even his chance at revenge...the only thing he has left is the NXT Championship. And in that moment, he is invincible, he is more than enough.

What a show. What a host of shows.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

[bleedingcoffee42]

Western AU

I shouldn't touch a random genre generator, I can't do anything but obey and do something with the prompt.

Historical/Horror = Ghosts and Western Au guest starring....the tumbleweed.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Deputy Jean Havoc was pretty sure there was nothing more 'old west' than the picture of him standing in front of the Sheriff's office smoking a hand rolled cigarette and looking out at the setting sun.   What bothered him was that that  picture was currently being drawn by that muscle man from the circus that liked to rip off his clothes and bellow about muscles and his lineage.   Jean tilted his head back and blew a smoke ring in the air, perhaps if he was lucky the guy really did have a hot sister and she would see the drawing and want to meet him.   Then again, he could only imagine what Armstrong's sister looked like and none of those images were good.

The wind picked up and the dust stirred in the street and the cliché tumbleweed rumbled past.   Jean watched it go and then some shadow in the dust cloud caught his eye.   Out of habit he rested his hand on the Colt revolver on his hip and waited to see who would be coming into town from that direction.   The wind died down, the tumbleweed disappeared and the dust settled to reveal a man wearing a long black coat on a blood bay horse.

Jean stepped into the street as the man came over to the office, slipped off his horse and tied his reins to the hitching post.  It was a nice horse, shiny red coat and long black mane and tail and the government brand on it's hindquarters.   Jean toyed with the cigarette in his mouth and looked at the rather short guy turning to him, catching the sight of a Federal Marshal badge on his vest.   Oh, the Sheriff was going to be thrilled.   “Hello Marshall, what can I help you with today?”

Roy Mustang was tired, dirty and completely done with every damned local who had been deputized for one reason or another so this one got the brunt of his frustration.   “I'll talk to your Sheriff, if you don't mind getting out of my way.”

“Sheriff isn't here.”  Jean shrugged and remained in the guys way and blew some smoke in his face for the rude tone and overall arrogance he was emitting.   “You're welcome to sit inside and wait.”

Roy pulled out his pocket watch and checked the time.  It was getting late and it would be nice to sleep in a bed tonight instead of on the ground.   If he put his horse up at the livery now he could get a room and take a bath at the Hotel, maybe find this Sheriff before dinner and get his questions answered.  “Do you have an estimated time of return?”

“My shift ends at 8.”  Jean said. “Sheriff will be back before then.”

“Thank you.”  Roy said dryly.  Why he couldn't say that before was beyond him.  It was all a damned game with people in these small towns, everyone trying to prove they had some power over the government official that rode into town and in the end it always ended up with him being a huge dick.   Lives were on the line and all anyone wanted to do was play trivial power play games.  God, all the guy said was 'can I help you' and he was ready to fight him.   Tired and on edge, a bath then bed sounded good.  So he walked his horse over to the livery, untacked and paid for the stall, then found his way over to the Hotel.

“Good evening sir! Can I interest you in a drawing I made of your arrival?”

What weird shit was this?   Roy stared at the huge bald guy that appeared to be sparkling.  He narrowed his eyes to determine why and deduced that there was saloon girl glitter on his head.   Then he looked at the drawing.   It was incredibly good, something his Mom would appreciate.   It was also evidence he had been here.  So he pulled out his wallet again and handed out another bill for a service he didn't want.   “Thanks.”

“Enjoy your stay!!!”  

Then the man took off his shirt and Roy hurried into the hotel to avoid finding out exactly what the guy was going to try and sell him next.    He walked to the counter and a young guy with glasses ran over to help him.  “A room.  A bath. Nothing else.”

Kain Fuery was instantly in awe of this man in black and also very intimidated.   He saw the star and gasped. “A Marshall?”

God it was like he was a fucking unicorn.   He was really going to have to review how often the Marshall of this territory got out of his office and patrolled it.   “Yes.”

“I...wow.”  Fuery said and money materialized on the counter.    He turned around and found the key for the bridal suite and grabbed it, then handed it to the man and pushed the register to him.  “I'll give you our best room for the regular rate.”

Best room probably meant it was one step above a coffin, but he didn't have it in his heart to say that to this starry eyed kid.  It would be like scolding a puppy.   “Thank you.”

“Does the Sheriff know you're here?” Fuery asked as he read the name being signed in his register.   “Marshall Mustang?”

He just shrugged, too tired to ask where that law enforcement individual could be in a town this small. “Send 'em to my room if he wants to grace me with his presence. Where is the bath?”

“Back through this door.   I'll have it ready for you in half an hour!”  

Roy rubbed his eyes and watched the kid scamper away, then moved over to another part of the counter where envelopes and pens were stored for what he assumed was guests convenience in case they had something to write home about.   He quickly wrote his mother's address down, put his new picture in the envelope and placed some change on the counter so he could reach over and grab a stamp.   Then the letter was dropped in the mail slot for what he hoped was a reliable delivery to the postmaster and he turned to go to the saloon for a drink.

“Marshall!   Bath is ready!  Mr. Armstrong says it's with his compliments.”

Roy turned as the kid materialized from the hallway and smiled.  Then that artist guy appeared behind him without a shirt and with a towel draped over his shoulders.    

“It would be my honor if you would use my bath, sir.”  

The guy bowed and he reluctantly allowed the Hotel manager to lead him to the back room where a steaming bath awaited.  It looked too good to refuse, even if it smelled kind of strong and was filled with bubbles and was gifted to him by a half-naked man that just drew his picture.    Still, it was less creepy than playing chess with his boss and the guy offering to arrange a marriage with his granddaughter.   “Thanks.”

“Thank you for your service, sir!”

The door closed and he slowly undressed and put his Peacemaker on the table beside the bath.    Was this odd, sure, but his level of give-a-damn was so low right now he was willing to shoot anyone who walked through the door to disturb him.   That seemed like it was enough to warrant taking a chance on a nice relaxing bath and getting the grime of his travels off and the tension of getting no results out of his aching shoulders.   His clothes hit the floor right after his boots and he was in that inviting water before it really had time to cool.

But damn it felt so good.

No sooner did he relax than he heard stomping outside the door and had to reach for his revolver, bubbles all over his hands and point it to the door.    The door was already open and a gun pointed at him as he turned leaving him to hold his pistol up in a sign of defeat knowing he was too slow to take on his attacker.  

“I hear you're looking for me?”

A woman?   He starred at her face, beautiful brown eyes starred at him from under the brim of her hat and blond hair spilled out over her shoulders.   He didn't recognize her, perhaps the creatures he was chasing had already changed shape. Perhaps this was a newly resurrected body....

“You're Mustang aren't you?”  

Demanding.   Like she had somewhere better to be than in a bath room with a naked man covered in bubbles.  That sort of offended him so he sat upright and showed off his body a little.  The bubbles slowly slipped down his body and revealed his abs.   That always was a delightful surprise for the ladies.  This one never removed here eyes from him.  Well....she had to be resurrected dead if that didn't move her at all. “Yes.”

“I'm Sheriff Hawkeye.”  She said and pointed to his gun.  “Are you going to put that gun down?”

The Sheriff?  He suddenly wanted to be arrested.   Possibly for indecent exposure.   “If you close the door, it's a little drafty.”

The door closed and he put his gun down, she holstered hers.  Then she went over to look at him as he sat in his smelly bubble bath and said, “Are you here about this necromancy epidemic?  Do you know how to kill them?”

That was a nice way of putting it.   “You've had homunculus here?”

“We have one running our Saloon.” Hawkeye put her hands on her hips.  “Calls himself Greed and I can't kill him or evict him and it's pissing me off. He's not paying his taxes.”

Roy sat up straighter and almost stood up, then remembered he was naked and in a bath and she was most definitely a lady.   “I need him alive.”

“Then you can have him.”  Riza said and tried to not look at his abs or really nice shoulders, but damn it had been so long since a nice looking man that didn't work for her was within a 100 miles of this town.   At least one that wasn't some kind of monster.  

“You said epidemic....are there more?”  Roy asked.

“There were, my Deputy dated one for a awhile.”  Riza said and looked at this man debating on weather or not this was worthy of him getting out of his bath or not.   “As far as I can tell there is a guy called Father, who I assume is a priest of some sort, going around and showing people how to raise the dead in exchange for their souls.  Are you looking for him? “I'm looking for my partner, Marshall Maes Hughes, who was last known to have contact with a woman named Lust while investigating this.  I'll take any leads I can get.”  Roy couldn't believe he had stumbled on this and now he was looking for that towel he saw earlier and.....apparently forgot to take from that muscle guy.

“Well Greed will be happy to tell you all about it and hopefully he will follow you home.”  She said. “I'll wait outside.”

He watched her turn and leave and then shouted, “Can you get me a towel?”

“Do I look like the maid?”

“No, you look like a gorgeous young lady I would like to get to know better that probably won't appreciative me streaking through your streets with a gun in my hand to apprehend a homunculus who might know where my best friend is.   I'd like to wait to reveal that until later in our relationship and avoid the handcuffs until then as well.”

There was silence and a stifled laugh before boots clacked against the floorboards.  

He sighed and sank deeper into the bath.   Then the door opened and a towel came flying in at his head.

“First date starts in five minutes at the Devil's Nest, I'd recommend covering up your tits if you're going in that place.”

[wiggimus]

My journey through a shitty album...

Metallica's St. Anger. For years, I described how much I absolutely fucking hated it, despite the fact that I never actually heard it. So I decided to actually hear it. The whole fucking thing.

*deep breath*

Let's do this...

"Frantic"

The opening track to an album is everything. It (usually) lets the listener know exactly what they're getting for the rest of their audio journey. In that, Frantic succeeds. It lets you know you're drinking a cup of shit. A cup that's an hour and fifteen minutes deep.

The song opens up very confusingly. The guitars are very simplistic. This wouldn't be so bad on its own, because songs like Pantera's "Walk" or Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness" make simple sound great. But here, it's too simple. It sounds like the result of waking someone up from a deep sleep, handing them a guitar and screaming "PLAY SOMETHING METALISH! NOW! RIGHT NOW!" until they did. The way the drums equate almost feels like it was doing its best, but without trying above the guitar's level of effort. It honestly sounds like the music was written by a child. Not just any child; a child that had never actually heard any Metallica. A child that overheard people talking about Metallica (complete with vocalizing riffs and such) and tried writing what the child thought was a Metallica song based on what those people said.

Lyrically, it's a fucking mess. At first, I gave off this confused "Okayyyyy...". Mostly because you kind of see where they're going, but they fall just short of truly making sense. I'm tempted to say they drop off after "You live it or lie it", or even "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle" *shudder*, but definitively, it's when he actually sings "Fran-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic tock". He tries SO HARD to sell that terrible fucking line. And it's not even like he says it once or twice. No, it's THE SONG'S HOOK! THAT FUCKING POOR EXCUSE OF LYRICAL AFTERBIRTH IS MEANT TO CARRY THE SONG! Amazingly, the embarrassment doesn't end there. Not at all. On top of that, the more he says it, the worse the delivery. I don't know if he's trying to growl or scream it, but it comes out just sounding messy and shameful. I swear, if any other band tried "singing" like that, it would get rejected so quickly. Well, unless the singer had enough money to get the studio to shut the fuck up and call it a successful take.

Ugh. Now I have to take a shit.

"St. Anger"

I'm actually going to start this off on a positive note!

*gasp*, *collapse*

Right? I did that at first, too! Anyhoo, here it is: the video to this is awesome. No, really, go look it up. It's Metallica playing a set for the inmates at San Quentin. It does a good job at looking at the prisoners in a more realistic, down-to-earth light, portraying them as real people who were handed shitty cards in life rather than the scum of society. Plus, the guard makes the band verbally agree to an awesome disclaimer in the beginning of the video, which is a plus.

Okay, no more positives. This song blows. It sounds unfinished. The difference between the verses and the rest of the song is jarring. Hearing the intro just makes you breathe "Uh oh..." under your breath. The drums are obnoxious and overbearing and all the stringed instruments sound half-assed. When it kicks in stronger, it sounds so disorganized, like the stringed instruments are all trying to play over each other in an attempt to be heard over the drums. Then out of nowhere, it switches to what sounds like what was supposed to be an entirely different song. The verses DO NOT match the intro AT ALL.

These fucking lyrics. They're... awful. Just... awful. He repeats the same 3 or 4 lines far too many times. Not only that, each line is either painfully weak or excessively shameful. It all culminates in what is easily one of the absolute worst lines I've ever heard in any metal song I've heard in all my 33 years: "I'm madly in anger with you!". Who fucking thought that would be a good lyric? That's something a person would say if their grasp on the English language was shaky at best. Seriously, if someone didn't know how to say "laundry detergent", but instead said "shampoo for clothes", that type of weak grasp of English would be required to say "I'm madly in anger with you" in serious context.

Fuck this song.

"Some Kind of Monster"

This is the type of song you would only say is good when you wanna be nice to that one person you know who is in that band that really wants you to like them. This whole song is just plain messy. You can tell the people involved have more to offer, but they're just not. This is the first song that actually tries to sound Metallica-y, but it just weighted down by suck and effortlessness.

Instrumentally, this stands a little above the first 2 tracks in the sense that they're not constantly grating. For the most part, they're just meh. But the end of the song is bad. It tries for some top string, nu-metal-ish thing that just falls flat.

The lyrics combine "St. Anger"'s repetition with the cringe you get from "Frantic". Do you know happy I was that no one was around to hear me listen to this? I'd have been less embarrassed to have been caught with my dick in a stuffed animal.

"Dirty Window"

Not even 5 seconds in, I paused this, facepalmed and asked "What the fuck am I doing?" rhetorically. Immediately, it sounds like that band you humored by saying you liked "Some Kind of Monster" says "Yay! I have another one!" and you just respond with a resounding "FUUUUUUUUCK!!!"

On YouTube, there is a sketch from the British comedy show A Bit of Frye & Laurie where the two invent a subgenre called "light metal", which they sell as "heavy metal, but without all the weight". "Dirty Window" is the light metal version of a Metallica song. It's so "safe". It's metal suitable for kindergarten.

I am 100% convinced that James Hetfield had no hand in writing these lyrics. I do not believe it. If anyone says otherwise, I will tell them they're lying. There is no way an adult man wrote these. Nevermind the same man who penned "Fade to Black", "Hero of the Day" and "One". You can take their entire discography out of the picture. I am not convinced that an adult man who has fathered children, gotten married, bought a house, gotten a driver's license and pays bills on time wrote the words he sings in this song. Not at all. My daughter, who is currently only 6 years of age, would write these words. Her classmates would write these words. A teenager waking up from a month-long coma would write these words. ANYONE ELSE WOULD FUCKING TRY HARDER!

Luckily, it's the 2nd shortest song on the album. But, we go on to the 2nd longest...

"Invisible Kid"

Whoa... The opening riff... isn't bad? It's not great, but it's certainly the best this album has offered to this point!

Actually, this track features the least-worst music to this point, aside from blatantly stealing from "Frantic" at one point. It fluctuates between being tolerable and decent. You could actually see a crowd getting into it. Not a big crowd, but about 30 or 40 people. The drums still do that annoying snare-love bullshit, but they're not overbearing like in the previous 4 tracks. In fact, I might learn how to play this one day!

Fuck you, Hetfield! The moment you start singing, you ruin everything this song had going! It's like you dropped pubes into my cereal after I watched you yank them out! In his defense, the lyrics don't sound juvenile. Nope, here, they sound emo. Here's an example: "Invisible kid/never see what he did/got stuck where he hid/fallen through the grid". That's just the opening line. It gets worse from there! Fucking worse! Not even in just lyrical content, but also in delivery. What amazes me is that people let this happen. I can only imagine that the people who were helping record this album on the technical side must have felt like the film crew watching George Lucas make The Phantom Menace. They knew they were enabling pure shit but didn't (couldn’t?) stop it. I fucking hate every vocal aspect of this song. Before, the lyrics were childish, so you could go "Haha! Can you believe he said that?". But here, the words are awful, the delivery is awkward and the quality just sinks like a stone the longer the song continues.

I think the fact that the music is okay makes the whole song far worse.

"My World"

Fuck! Not only does this intro give me flashbacks to "Dirty Window", it's making me realize I already have flashbacks to "Dirty Window" Fuck! Well, actually, the main riff sounds like "St. Anger" with a tad more effort.

Is there a word that means "serviceable, but ignorable"? I'm too lazy to look it up. Either way, that word describes the music. Literally, I just finished listening to the song and I can't fucking remember how it goes. No, really, I paused it right after the song ended, started typing this and I can't remember a damn thing, other than that I don't remember hating it or anything. I know it has "St. Anger" vibes in the beginning, but not through the whole thing.

Well, the lyrics go right back to being childish. I bet you that they're written in crayon, on a piece of construction paper, hanging on a refrigerator by a magnet. But I'd say that this was written by a kid of about 8 or 9 who is starting to really discover swearing, but before they get all X-Box Live about it. It made me facepalm more than once, but brought me close to genuine laughter at its awkward uses of "motherfucker" and "son of a bitch". Mind you, I'm unopposed to vulgarity, but make it feel natural. There's one line that could easily be misheard as "give mama head", which is this album's unintentional greatest gift to music. Other than that, there's nothing good to be derived from this. It even joins "Frantic" on the Reasons Why James Hetfield Shouldn't Scream list.

"Shoot Me Again"

There are one-word descriptions for these songs. "St. Anger" is incomplete, "My World" is forgettable, etc. "Shoot Me Again" is directionless. The intro alone sounds like pieces of 3 different bad songs. The main riff sounds like Metallica's impression of KoRn. The verses sound like Metallica's impression of Staind.

Even more, if you played each instrument indivually, it sounds like each one is playing its own genre of music. Well, more like its own metal subgenre, but still, like a few different corpses Frankenstein'ed together. At one point, I honestly thought the song ended, so I started typing out my thoughts on the following track, but then it cuts back to "All the shots I taaaaaaake!". If that was supposed to be a breakdown, they need to listen to some Psychostick on how properly breakdown.

The vocals are just dumb. Yeah, they're childish and stuff, but overall, they're dumb and full of needless swearing.

"Sweet Amber"

Oh no. Don't do it. Don't you do it, St. Anger! You're not that good an album! Don't try for a slow, emotional song! Oh... you... listened to me? But then why was the intro all soft and clean? Fuck. Whatever. At least the following riff is okay.

Actually, if I'm not mistaken, this may be the least-worst song on the album. Musically, at least. It's better than "Invisible Kid". I know that's like saying a sunburn is better than an acid burn, but better is still better. Don't get me wrong, it's still pretty bad, but in comparison to what I heard to get here, it's at least tolerable.

But again, the lyrics ruin what was potentially a good song! Fuck the words and fuck the delivery. They're not "Invisible Kid" bad, but they suuuuuuuuuuck.

"The Unnamed Feeling"

Bland. Bland bland bland. The intro to this song is just so BLAND. Fucking emote. You're Metallica. Act like you want the listener to feel something! There is a name for my feeling: it's BOREDOM. Well, I'm bored until it takes a Mudvayne turn. Then I'm confused. Well, Mudvayne without the amazing drums and bass.

Overall, the music stays boring. So. Boring. This is just like "My World" where I can't remember the rhythm to this song AT ALL. It's so forgettable. All I can really recall is that the song just ends. It just drops. That's it.

To Hetfield's credit, these are possibly his "best" lyrics on the whole album. But I used the quotation marks because they're still bad, just not bad enough to make me piss myself in shame & regret. He swears again here, but it actually feels natural, as though it was a natural progression of the song for the f-bombs to reach that point.

"Purify"

Huh. An intro with energy. Dare I say, an impressive intro? No, wait, I'm stupid. It reverts right back into suck territory. Thanks for getting my hopes up...

Metallica doesn't wear nu-metal well. They just don't. Believe me, I actually like some nu-metal, but not this. This just sounds weak. That's all I have. It's weak. Moving on...

Okay, so I'm guessing Hetfield wanted to write lyrics in KoRn's style, but without the crying and the begging for hugs. Yet another song that goes on the Reasons Why James Hetfield Shouldn't Scream list. The lyrics & delivery aren't as overwhelmingly terrible like the rest of the album, but they're not redeemable in any sense of the word. They're just not good.

Thankfully, this is the shortest song on the album. But the next one is the longest *sobs*

"All Within My Hands"

I once started watching The Bourne Supremacy. You know, the one without Matt Damon. I got about 30 minutes into it but stopped once I realized that I asked "What is the point?" after about a dozen times. I felt that exact same feeling after only 1 minute into this song. That's only 1/9 of the total time of the track! I shouldn't feel so checked out so quickly. But I'm powering through this. It's the last track. I'm almost there...

Okay, so the music would probably be more interesting from a different band. If I heard an indie band play it with different lyrics, I'd probably like it. It has energy and power. I even bobbed my head to it once or twice. Shit, I may actually learn this song too one day. Maybe. I have a lot of Zelda music to learn first. Except for the fact that the last note played is so dissonant and awful. It's like kicking someone annoying out of your house, but they take a shit on your floor right before leaving.

I guess Hetfield's approach was to remind everyone the name of the song he was playing, because he repeats it to no end. The delivery is actually pretty good, but the actual words he recorded just suck. I need to listen to this again in the future to count how many times he says the song's name, because it must be at least 50. Honestly, try saying "All Within My Hands" 50 times in a span of 9 minutes. You'll piss yourself off, nevermind anyone else stuck listening to you. At the end of the song, he repeats the word "kill" in a way that made me chuckle. It reminded me of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I'M DONE. I will never do that again. Fuck this album. Seriously, I think that aged me. That 75 minutes felt like 150. I am beyond thankful that they followed this up with Death Magnetic. Could you imagine if this was the last album Metallica ever released? I would be so sad! I would feel so bad for them for the rest of my life. In fact, Death Magnetic just got so much better for me. Knowing they went from St. Shit to a modern masterpiece like Death Magnetic just makes their 2008 (holy shit!) release seem like the sweetest nectar from Mount Olympus.

[msonline12-blog]

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