#monday is my get shit done or self care day depending

[poisonandpages]

One of the worst things you can ask an autistic person to do is ask them to wait in on an engineer between 8am - 5pm with nothing more specific.

[notdonesimpin]

Wants And Needs ~d.a.~

daiki aomine x reader

warnings: kinda angsty, kinda fluffy. it does have a happy ending

synopsis: two people with a love for sports, finding themselves on opposite sides of the spectrum. One never puts in the effort and the other wishes they could touch the court once more.

a/n: its long haha :) self indulgence got the better of me. hope you enjoy :)

Being the second manager of Touou Academy’s basketball was a fairly easy task until Momoi decided to put you on babysitting duty because Aomine seemed to be too hard to reach or find nowadays.

You’d argued her down on why it had to be you since they had been close since they were kids, but you knew it was because she couldn’t do proper stats or research if she had to worry about him.

Despite your better judgement, you agreed, putting the team’s needs before your own feelings. 

The only thing you couldn’t shake is how she said that you’re the only person he’ll actually listen to. What does that even mean? 

You’ve only had a few conversations with him and most of them seemed pretty tame. You’d never asked him to do anything. It was only ever minor suggestions to better his game or to help him heal afterwards but that was the extent of your friendship.

He’d just known you since you went to the same middle school as him but you both lived in different worlds then. He was the ace of the basketball team and you were the ace of the volleyball team. Your paths almost never crossed with how busy and committed you both were to your clubs, but you both respected each other and watched the other play whenever you had the chance.

“Why are you following me like a lost puppy? Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Aomine asks, snapping you out of your thoughts as he begins to ascend the ladder to the roof.

“Well, Momoi has gotten too busy to keep an eye on you, so you can call me your babysitter. It feels more like I’m supposed to be your secretary, though.”

“You can quit early. You’re not making me go to practice. There’s no point if I’m better than everyone.”

You huff, following him up. “You’re so arrogant.You know, that there’s going to come a day where someone will knock you off of your high horse or you might just do it yourself.”

He shrugs, laying down and letting his eyelids close.

“Daiki. Get up.”

He ignored you, faking a few snores in hopes that you’d give up and leave him alone. 

You let out a huff, contemplating on how to get him to go to practice. “What will it take for you to start going to practice?”

“I already don’t go, and my performance is fine.”

“But your teamwork is shit,” you blurt, quickly clamping your hands over your mouth as soon as you could.

He opened one of his eyes, glancing at you. “I don’t need a team. I’m strong enough on my own.”

“Then prove it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s go to practice. You’ll play by yourself versus three guys on the team. If you win, I’ll stop pestering you about practicing or being on time. If you don’t, you’ll practice on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and do strength training with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

Aomine scoffs, “You must be expecting me to win with your outrageous request.”

You shake your head, “I know you’re going to lose, so I need enough punishment to get you off of your high horse. Plus, we’ll have a 3 on 1 game every week until you beat them or you admit that you can’t do it by yourself. Do we have a deal?”

He sits up, looking at you in amusement, “We have a deal if you agree to let me take you on a date after I win.”

“Then, we have a deal, Mr. Optimistic.”

He jumps up, heading for the ladder. “Let’s go. I don’t want to eat too late.”

Your eyes widened at his sudden determination to go to practice, even if it was under an agreement. You quickly followed him, having trouble since his legs were decently longer than yours.

He pushed the gym doors open and all eyes went to the two of you. They all fell silent when Aomine began to speak. 

“Imayoshi, Sosa, and Harasawa. Play me. 3-on-1,” he challenged.

“Daiki-kun! What are you doing?” Momoi asks, looking in between you, him, and the three players he’d just called out.

“I’m just here to win a bet that Y/N made with me. That’s all.”

He jogs onto the court, getting ready to play and disregarding everything Momoi, you, and the coach were saying to him.

“How about we go to 21? My baskets will count for 1 or 2 points and yours will count for 2 or 3,” he smirked, passing the ball to Imayoshi as he got in a defensive stance.

“You cocky little asshole.” The match began moments later.

In only about 15 minutes, Aomine had won in a landslide. 21-5.

Your jaw dropped, “Daiki…”

He grabbed his bag off of the ground with a triumphant smirk, grabbing your hand to pull you along with him as he left. “How do burgers sound? I’m starving.”

You fell silent after you caught up with Aomine, walking beside at a leisurely pace. He let go of your hand and let out a sigh.

“You’re quiet,” he notes after a few minutes of silence, “Do you really have nothing to say to me if it isn’t about practice?”

“I’m just trying to get my thoughts together. I don’t want to say anything that I don’t really mean,” you mutter.

He nods, letting the two of you fall into silence once again as he opens the door for you to walk into the fast food restaurant.

About five minutes later, Daiki sat down across from you with a large pile of food. He hands you two burgers and some fries, knowing that you usually didn’t eat much.

“Alright, I can tell you’re mad at me,” he leans against his chair, looking at you.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Yes, you are. You have the same look on your face when I do something extremely reckless during the game or when I almost get hurt because I didn’t take your advice.”

You huff, “Why do you spend so little time practicing basketball if you love playing so much?”

“It’s no fun when no one is a challenge anymore. I’m the only person that can beat me.”

“Can you shut up with your superiority complex bullshit!” you snap.

His eyes widened. You’ve never lost your cool before. Why did you care so much about him skipping practice?

You took a deep breath and spoke in a calmer tone. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just- you claim to love the sport so much, yet, you subconsciously have given up. You’ve stopped having fun, but you don’t want to admit it.”

“Shut up,” he muttered.

“You hate the sport because you have no one to play against. Yet, winning isn’t the only reason to play. You play for your team or are you just too self-centered to realize it.”

“You don’t get to talk to me about the decisions I have made. You have no right to say that I need to play for the team when you were the best volleyball player at Teiko. You were the only person talked about as much as we were, but you quit. You gave up on your team. Don’t give me shit when you walked on the thing that made you who you are,” he sneered, getting up to leave.

���I didn’t give up. I’d committed to Rakuzan, but I got injured. They didn’t want me anymore. No strong team wanted me. Since Touou’s volleyball team is rather small since it just started last year, they still wanted me. That’s why I’m here. So don’t tell me about giving up because my love for volleyball is too strong. Everything I’ve ever done is to better myself and my team. That’s why I can have fun even if I’m beating the other team by a landslide. I can imagine how upset I have made you, and I apologize. I just- I would kill to step on the court right now. My doctor says that if I have surgery, I’ll be out for another six to nine months but my volleyball career will be guaranteed. I’ve thought about throwing away the rest of my career to play another season right now. Excuse me if seeing you flake off when you have so much potential makes me upset. I’m sorry for ruining our supposed date. Have a good night, Aomine.”

He couldn’t deny the way his heart ached after hearing your story or the way he swore that his heart broke when you called him by his last name. You haven’t done that since middle school.

His chest felt heavy, but there was nothing he could do now except to walk away. His pride being too large for an apology to fall across his lips.

It had been two weeks later and neither of you have tried to talk to the other. The team could practically feel the tension between the two of you as you sat on the opposite end of the bench to avoid being beside Aomine.

You were always the one to keep Aomine’s head afloat during games, so they weren’t sure what to expect without you quietly coaching him. They needed his complete focus during the game against Seirin and they were afraid he wouldn’t be able to keep his mind from drifting to whatever caused a rift between the two of you.

You stood up giving each of the players a pat on the back as they stepped onto the court. You placed your hand on Aomine’s shoulder as you stopped, causing him to stop and glance at you. He was going to open his mouth to say something, but you just gave him a tight lipped smile and continued to the bench and sitting by Momoi.

She gave you both sympathetic looks, knowing of the situation due to you both coming to her on separate occasions. Only Momoi knew how much of his play depended on your reassuring words and guided coaching. It wasn’t that he was terrible without you, but you gave him a purpose that neither of you realized.

The game has favored Touou for the most part, but Seirin was staying somewhat in the game. Everyone could tell that Aomine wasn’t giving his all, but no one knew how to approach him about it. They knew only you could bring him back to reality.

“Y/N, you do know that he’s started to come to practice, right?” Momoi says without taking her eyes off of the game. “He told me that he’d be there on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays only because he has strength training on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

“Why are you telling me this?” you asked, trying to hide the shock you felt that he actually listened to you even though he won the bet.

“He said that you put some things into perspective, and he shouldn’t take his time playing basketball for granted when there are people dying to even be able to do a percentage of what he does.”

You quietly nodded, not noticing the smile that crept on your face.

Halftime came and the team quietly went to the locker room. Everyone could tell how close to breaking Aomine was.

You refilled the water bottles and grabbed some colder towels as you walked into the locker room. You gave all the players that came off of the court a towel and a bottle, receiving a small thanks as the coach talked to them. 

You noticed Aomine staring at the ground, trying to keep his focus on the game. You unfolded the cool towel, placing it over his head and bent down to set the bottle in front of him. 

As soon as you tried to  walk away, he grabbed your wrist, pulling you towards him until his head rested on your torso and his arms were wrapped around you. You paused, unsure of how to respond. You could have sworn you heard a soft sniffle come from him.

“Uh, Daiki-kun-” Momoi started, realizing how uncomfortable you looked.

You cut her off with a reassuring smile, “It’s okay, Momoi. Let him be.”

You look down at him, moving the towel onto his neck so you could run your hands through his hair.

The buzzer sounded to signal that there were two minutes left until the game began. Everyone piled out, but Aomine didn’t budge.

You fell silent as he looked up at you with a few tears rolling down his face. “I’ve never felt so lost on the court, Y/N. Please, tell me what to do out there! Tell me how many mistakes I’ve made. Yell at me. Hit me for being such a dumbass! I just need you to- just please- please, talk to me. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Kagami goes based on instinct, like you, so any movement that could give a hint about what you’re going to do is guaranteeing your loss in a one-on-one battle. Beating him is easy if you let yourself have some fun. This may be the only time I tell you this, but don’t hold back.”

His eyes widened, “Really?”

“Yeah. Don’t hold back and win this game for the team.”

“I’m still struggling with the team thing, but I can win this game for you, if that’s okay,” he confessed as he gets up, keeping his arms loosely wrapped around your waist.

You lightly laughed, “I guess it’s okay. I just want you to have some fun.”

“Can I kiss you?” he leans down, ghosting his lips over yours.

Knowing your words would fail you, you pulled him down, crashing his lips onto yours. His arms tightened around you as he tried to pull you impossibly close to deepen the kiss.

You pull away with a small smile on your face, patting his chest. “Let’s go before they think we’ve murdered each other.”

Aomine instantly picked you up, and rushed out of the locker room despite your protests.

“Daiki! Put me down!” you yell as the tunnel begins to end.

The team looks over at the sound of your voice to see Aomine carrying you out. They all let out a deep sigh of relief to see that the two of you were getting along again.

He sits you down and you hit him in the shoulder. “If you weren’t playing right now, I swear I would murder you!”

He laughs, giving you a quick kiss as the buzzer went off for the game to start again. “I want to cheer as loud as you can for me, yeah?”

You grin, “I’ll do my best.”

~~

A few months later, you were at the hospital, waiting to be wheeled back for surgery when Aomine bursted into your room with wide eyes and his uniform on.

“Daiki? What are you doing here? You have a game like right now!” you exclaim.

“I couldn’t play. I tried, Y/N. I really tried to stay focused during warm ups, but I can’t when you’re here, getting the surgery that brings you onto the court you love. I can’t just show up after it’s done and ask if you’re okay.”

“The team needs you.”

“The team is the reason I’m here. They’re worried about you, too. You may not play on the court, but you’ve been there for every single one of us when we needed it the most. It’s only fair that I do that same for you as your teammate, but more importantly, as your boyfriend.”

“Daiki…” your eyes soften, noticing the tears threatening to leave his eyes. 

He wasn’t typically a vulnerable person. This was the first time you’d seen him so upset since that fight.

“You’re here alone when you shouldn’t have to be. Your parents are out of town. Who’s going to take care of you, baby? I know you put up this big front that you’re strong, but I don’t think you actually want to go into surgery without a comforting and familiar face.” Daiki’s voice cracks as he walks over to you. His laces your fingers together. “Let me take care of you.”

“Okay.” Your voice was small. You felt all of the emotions you’d been holding in start pouring out as tears began to fall down your face. 

He wipes a few tears off of your face, pulling the chair closer to the edge of the bed to sit down. “How long until it’s time?”

“Ten minutes.”

He nods, letting the both of you fall into a comfortable silence.

“Daiki?” you asked after a few minutes of silence.

He hums in response as he looks over at you.

“What if I’m a part of the unlucky 25 percent that can’t play again?”

“Y/N, you’re overthinking. Everything will go perfect. You’ll be playing volleyball next season, and I’ll get to cheer my girl on from the sidelines. If anything other than that happens, we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it. Either way, you have me.” He bends down to rummage in his bag, pulling out a teddy bear and handing it to you. “I got you this to hold onto during the surgery.”

“Thank you, Daiki.” You grabbed it from him, wrapping your arms around it tightly as you noticed that it smelled of his cologne. Your heart swelled as he successfully calmed you. 

Five minutes later, the nurse came in to wheel you to the back. He gave you a soft kiss on the forehead and watched them wheel you out.

The next three hours were excruciating for Aomine. He sat there in silence for the most part, checking his phone for updates on the game from Momoi.

After she informed him that they won, he made a plan with them to drop by your place later to check on you and celebrate later that night after they released you.

The nurse rolled you back in and you were still asleep. 

“How did it go?” he nervously asked.

“It was a success! As long as she does everything right, she should get back to volleyball in no time. She should wake up in the next thirty minutes or so. After that, we’ll see how she feels and go through everything that you guys need to do for the next two to three weeks until her check up.You guys should be out of here in another hour.

He nods, “Thank you.”

Just like the nurse said, you woke up thirty minutes later and felt a little groggy. He softly smiled at you, rubbing circles on the back of your hand.

“Hey, baby. How do you feel?”

Your eyes flutter open and you make immediate eye contact with him. “I want to go home, Dai,” you pout.

“I know. We’ll be going home soon. You’ll be back on the court before you know it, too.”

“Really?” you beamed.

He couldn’t help but match his smile to yours. “Yeah, they said it went perfect.”

Later that night, you and Aomine were quietly watching a movie when there was a knock on your door. 

You look at him confused as he gets up and walks over to it. “Aomine, who’s here?”

He smiles without answering your question as he opens the door to reveal the team standing there. They all piled into your home, asking if you were okay. Some of them handed you flowers and sweets while others brought movies and games for you to do in your free time.

“What are you guys doing here?” you ask in shock.

“We wanted to make sure that everything went well. Aomine thought it’d be a good idea,” Imayoshi informed you.

Aomine cheeks heated up as he scratched the back of his head. “I figured since you brought us closer as a team, you wouldn’t mind.”

“Not at all. These are moments with you guys that I won’t get often after I start playing volleyball again.”

“Nonsense, the volleyball team and basketball team schedules almost never clash because we only have one gym. The only time it’d be troublesome is during tournament season. Even if you can’t be at most of our games, you can still come to a lot of the practices,” Aomine interjected.

Everyone looked at him with wide eyes. “Why do you know this information?” Momoi asked.

“I wanted to see how much time I was going to get to spend with Y/N once she was released to play.”

“Oh you are so whipped.”

[lyssismagical]

dependent and fair

my first ever commission !! Thank you so much @wombatking I hope you enjoy! 

tw for broken bones 

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If there’s anything MJ hates, it’s having to be dependent.

Living with only her father and her three younger siblings, she’s always been a caretaker, not someone to be taken care of. It makes her uncomfortable whenever she’s in a position where she needs help from others.

Her father works ninety percent of the time to singlehandedly afford four children, leaving her to do most of the parental things like cooking and cleaning and helping her siblings with homework.

When she gets together with Peter, they’re definitely a work in progress.

Neither of them know how to accept help, be taken care of, and they both like to take care of others. There’s a lot to learn, but they’re willing to learn together.

As a show that she’s learning to let him take care of her, she lets him take her out to dinner, his treat.

It’s not like either of them really have money to spend on things like dates in New York – neither of them have jobs. Peter’s a full-time superhero and MJ watches her siblings every evening, but May gives Peter twenty bucks, Delmar gives him another ten for cat-sitting, and a grateful civilian gave him fifteen.

Sure, they can only get the cheapest things on the menu at the decently nice Italian restaurant Peter chooses, the salad and the pasta without any add-ons, only water, and a shared dessert.

But they have a wonderful time, and that’s really all that matters.

They have to walk home from the restaurant, no leftover cash to spend on a taxi, but the night is warm with a gentle cool breeze, and Peter wraps his jacket around her shoulders and holds her hand, swinging between them as they walk leisurely through the streets of Queens.

MJ turns down the alley she normally takes on the way home from school, a decent shortcut to cut the trip in half. Peter stops her just as she gets her shoe into the first rung of the tall, black wire fence separating the alley from the street.

“Are you sure this is safe?” he asks. His hand has gone clammy in hers, nose twitching in the telltale way it does whenever his anxiety spikes. She can’t help the small, gentle smile that tugs at her mouth, a smile she normally reserves for only her little sister.

She tries to keep up an impassive, cold expression as much as possible. The idea of showing any vulnerability makes her shudder. But Peter’s always been so open, so genuine with everything he does, it makes MJ more open to trying.

“I take this shortcut twice a day,” she says, it really isn’t a big deal to jump a fence. Especially not when she has a literal superhero at her side. “It’s not a big deal, c’mon, we’re going to miss my curfew if we don’t take a shortcut.”

Peter makes a face, shaking the fence like he’s testing its sturdiness. And then he jumps, casually, easily, right over the fence.

“Show off,” MJ says, starting the slow, human, climb over the fence.

The one thing she didn’t take into consideration, however, is the pair of slightly heeled flats she’s wearing. It’s a little more complicated than her regular pair of old sneakers.

She slips and Peter can’t move fast enough to catch her before she hits the ground, ankle rolling and making an awful crunching sound, cursing under her breath.

Peter, however, does catch her before her legs give out, slowly helping her to the pavement.

“Are you okay? That didn’t sound good. Do you think it’s broken? I should call your dad, or my aunt, or maybe Tony. I should get you to a hospital, right? Are you feeling okay? I-”

“Woah, hold on a second,” she says, cutting off Peter’s rambles before he can devolve into panic when she needs him to level-headed. “Help me up. It’s probably just a rolled ankle.”

He keeps a strong grip on her elbow and waist as he pulls her up off the pavement, but the moment she puts any weight on her bad foot, she’s crumping into his chest, gasping in pain.

“Shit,” she goes like it’s any help at all.

“Let me call your dad,” Peter pleads, lowering her carefully back to the ground. “And then I’ll swing you to the hospital. Even if it’s nothing, I’d feel a lot better if you got it checked regardless.”

She lets out a huff, reluctantly nodding in agreement.

Peter steps a few feet away to call her dad, explaining the situation quickly but efficiently. He promises three times that he’ll get her to the hospital safely, and that he’ll call the moment they have news.

When he turns back to her, he’s already pulling his Spider-Man mask on.

“Up you go,” he says, lifting her into his arms bridal style. “To the hospital we go. Maybe, if we’re lucky, May will be the one to see us.”

“Go slow, okay?” She’s not nervous. She would never admit to anyone that she’s nervous of swinging with Peter. But last time she went, she puked the moment they hit the ground.

“Your wish is my command, princess.”

“Queen,” she corrects half-heartedly, shifting in his grip to make her ankle twinge a little less.

Peter grins, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Of course, my queen.”

She barely remembers the trip to the hospital or the wait to be seen by a nurse, she keeps her head tucked against Peter’s neck, blocks out the pain as best she can.

Before she knows it, she’s seated on the edge of a bed in a hospital room, Peter at her side, hand still in hers, a nurse coming in.

“Didn’t expect to see your name tonight, kiddo,” May says, offering a sweet smile. “Let’s get that ankle checked out.”

X-rays are taken of her ankle, May gets her a cup of water and a few snacks from the vending machine, and she’s told to rest until the imaging is done. When it is, she’s shown the photographs of a clear break in her ankle. Peter looks like he might cry when he finds out she broke a bone on their date, but he doesn’t say anything self-deprecating or guilt-ridden, just squeezes her hand a little tighter and presses his mouth to her shoulder.

May’s the one who wraps her ankle in a cast, gives her plenty of instructions, and then gives her a pair of crutches.

Peter’s hand gets clammier and tighter the longer it takes, and by the end, she’s a little worried she might’ve broken a hand bone too with how much worry is seeping into the grip he has on her. She stays entirely calm, almost careless the whole time, because she knows if she shows pain, Peter will probably fall apart. He’s seen enough hurt, enough breaks, enough injuries in his lifetime, she doesn’t have to add hers to the list of things he blames himself for.

And either way, she doesn’t need his sympathy or his worry. She’ll be fine. She doesn’t need him to look after her.

MJ’s dad is there by the time they’re done, and she doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone. She kisses her boyfriend goodbye and that’s it.

  On Monday, she walks – or well, crutching – into school like nothing is different.

Peter’s waiting for her at her locker, empathetic frown on his face. He lifts his wrist, also bound in bandages.

“We match,” he says, lifting an eyebrow. “Patrolling mishap last night.”

“At least you heal in like two days. I’ve got to keep this on for like six weeks.” She struggles to balance her crutches and open her locker at the same time. Peter watches her carefully but doesn’t move to help her for now. She’s already irritable and he knows what buttons not to press.

She balances her books in her arms and then huffs in irritation when she realizes she won’t be able to carry them all and crutch to class without risking falling.

“Will you at least let me take those?” Peter says, already reaching to stack her books on top of his. “I feel awful. I shouldn’t have let you climb that fence.”

“I don’t need help,” she mutters. She doesn’t want to need Peter’s help. “And don’t coddle me. I made that decision.”

“Then let me carry your books because I’m your boyfriend and I like doing nice things for you.”

She rolls her eyes. “Just this once.”

For the rest of the day, Peter persists on doing nice things for MJ, completely unrelated to her injury, he says, like carrying her books and opening her locker and pulling out chairs for her. She doesn’t say anything, if only because she doesn’t want to make a fool of herself when she struggles to do it on her own.

By the end of the day, she’s beyond grateful for the help Peter’s given her without any expectations of anything in return.

It’s simple how nice it is to be taken care of.

She’s spent her whole life being the caretaker, and now, she’s been gifted somebody who will stop at nothing to take care of her.

She’s not exactly sure how she got so lucky, she doesn’t feel like she’s done a whole lot of good to deserve such wonderful karma, but she’s going to do everything in her power not to lose it that’s for sure.

  They’re lying in Peter’s bed, door open with May’s voice drifting into the room where she’s humming in the kitchen, when she finally voices her thoughts.

“Thank you.” It’s not as elegant as she thought it would be, but it conveys her gratitude just as well, she can’t remember the last time she said those words.

Peter’s arm tightens around her waist, pulling her in without jostling her leg. “You don’t have to thank me for doing the bare minimum.”

“You put up with my stubborn ass, I think that’s more than doing the bare minimum.”

“I just wanted to help, that’s all. I’m sure you would’ve done the same if it were me.”

She pokes his injured wrist. “Except I didn’t.”

“I’m a superhero, Em. I don’t think it works exactly the same.”

And it doesn’t, he’s right.

He’ll help her take her books to class, find a safer shortcut, take her on a redo date, carry her up the stairs so she doesn’t have to try with crutches, help her in anyway she can throughout this.

And she’ll hold him when he wakes up with a cry of misery, nightmares of how he got his own injury plaguing his sleep. She’ll kiss his forehead and promise him that he’s okay, that she’s okay too, that he’s safe and sound with her. She’ll pull him close when the tears cease and hum to him, the same songs May does, until he falls asleep. And she’ll be there every time after the first too.

Relationships might not be equal. She can’t tend for his wounds because he heals at lightning speed, he doesn’t have to soothe any nightmares, she doesn’t need to help him with his family, and he doesn’t need to her worry about her every evening. But it’s fair. She’ll be there for him in any way she can, and he’ll be there for her in anyway he can.

“Thank you,” she repeats nonetheless.

“I love you,” he says.

She smiles, leans into his warmth the same way she’s been leaning into accepting his help. “I love you too.”

[vunoirien]

Nothing says I want to quit like being assumed for a position with more responsibilities without properly asking and just diving into it along with what I also was already doing before.

I found out about the office manager leaving via ghost getting an e-mail sent to supervisors only. I then had people come up to me with their own speculations and assuming I would be taking over the job of the girl who is taking over the office manger. I was asked to do my current job because the soon to be gone office manager and the girl i help out with were over-worked and couldn't handle things. like breaking down crying, or schedules getting out late. I helped with schedules and ordering to lighten the load. There has been no mention of, oh since things are shifting, we'll need a new third person. Nope. Just assume that between me and the girl I was taking the schedule responsibility from can share the load. Why am I getting office manager training bits, that involve editing timecards for payroll when I also do the schedule? Sure I'll help if she's bombarded but having me do the majority of the work today as a training while the two of them went to set up phone and came back and passed more things onto me. PIssed me off. I will be the one responsible for all the transfers of the store now? ok, negative inventory? spcs? All purchase order maintenance and management? Hole Count? These two women assumed, oh she'll help you and take your position and not need help. Between the two of you it'll be ok. Claire has her shit together. When I first said yes to helping, I clearly said I didn't want to be the main person responsible and now with the office manager leaving for a new position, and also having it happen a week before we switch to a newly renovated store which is chaotic enough because of construction and supply delays, you want me to take over and be the main ICS person? AND do schedules? cover cash? and then some? In a Box sized store with other 120 people in staff? I can't believe this place. I don't deserve this. No one directly sat down and talked with me. Hell I barely get communicated to for when people are coming back from leave, or if someone has been fired to not schedule them. Like fuck. I was on edge for an hour today when I learnt that asking me to come in for seven this morning meant overtime and not leaving at 4. It was the last straw and I was asked to fix someone else's mistakes with write offs. 107 lines of wrong input. I am done. I don't know how long I'll last. I know i want to discuss things with them but tomorrow is Friday, I need to finish the rough copy of a schedule of over 100 people so it can be reviewed, edited and posted by late Monday or Early Tuesday at the latest. So it'll probably have to wait until after the move. I'll have to vocalize that I cannot bare the weight of everything alone. If they expect it, they will learn I won't stick around if that's the case. I haven't seen my family since September. I still haven't told them I had covid in late January. I'm losing it. My mindset and self esteem are rotten. Just. Done. I'm done. I am lucky to have Ghost to vent to and empathize with but I know he's getting worn out too. We are both depended on and it is wearing us down and we both need to find something better and we both think it will be somewhere else.

Days like today make me want to exist only in dreams. Just numb, floaty and I could care less about making sense or even being pleasant. Just not this. I'm going to do my best to get through tomorrow. I'm terrified if that inquire about my opinion on what happened today. Because I am not sure if I can hold back my complete and utter spiteful anger as to how things have been done. 'Overwhelmed' or 'a lot' is the nice version, if they want details I really hope I don't become a descriptive rambling mess. Because there is a balance to telling someone you're not happy and letting them peak at how uneasy things are with you.

[quietmyfearswith]

where our demons hide {dark!tony stark x fem!reader}

where our demons hide {dark!tony stark x fem!reader} part 1

status — ongoing series

warnings — non-con turns into dub-con, oral sex (giving & receiving), name-calling, swearing, porn with a bit of plot, dark!tony stark, unprotected penetrative sex (pls dont do this, use protection!)

word count — 3,205

a/n — so i’m not gonna lie this is a little self-indulgent and this was an idea i somehow had after reading a few fics/drabbles with the same premise. this will be a dark series featuring not only tony stark but also the other male avengers. i’m also considering on making a separate dark series featuring the female avengers with the same concept. also!!! infinity war, civil war, and endgame did not happen (totally not bc everything went downhill from there & i hate it but because it just would be more fitting for the story) and that tony & pepper are not in a relationship in here bc in this house we do not condone cheating. & this is my first ever time writing smut so feedback would be very much appreciated :>

masterlist

“Boss lady, you heading out already?” John asked as he knocked on the outside of my office door. Seeing him with his bag strap over his shoulder, it made me turn back my attention briefly to the desk clock I had, my eyes widening in shock as I noticed how it was already a quarter to 9. “Jesus, has it been that long?” I said to him and to myself in disbelief.

John chuckled as he approached my desk and moved some files out of the way and sat down, “Well time sure does fly when you’re working your ass off.” I threw my head back, trying to rub off of the exhaustion off of my eyes, agreeing with him by saying, “As the head of the research department, I don’t think I have time to slack off and mess around.” 

As I looked into his eyes, I felt that he was conflicted — that he did want to help me furthermore, but there was also this part of him that wanted nothing but to spend a night out and enjoy himself and afterwards proceed with crashing into his bed. He inched closer to me, “You need to take a break though. Your report is like, 90% done, and that it is extremely well-detailed and comprehensive. I’m sure the mighty heroes of the world will understand if you go home now, rest and enjoy for the weekend, and come back on Monday to finish it up.”

“Do you think that these mighty heroes of the world always have the option to take a break on the weekends and come back to the job on Monday?” I sassed back as I moved my attention from him back to my computer, searching for more essential information for the team’s next mission. John, not taking a hint that I had already wasted time by talking to him, scooted closer and said, “Well for one, your work does not involve travelling suspects and mercenaries. You’re computer ain’t going anywhere, you know?” as he brushed a strand of hair that has fallen from my ponytail as he explained, “I just don’t want you to overwork yourself. I really care about you, Y/N.”

Creating some distance between me and him, I looked at him pointedly and told him, “I get that you may be worried about how I overwork myself, but I’m okay. If it ever gets too much, I will take a break. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish this research and report so that I can go home and get some rest. Unless you’ll help me in accomplishing this task, then I suggest that you just leave.”

John looked like he was in disbelief, but he quickly masked up what he felt and just walked away from my desk and awkwardly waved as he headed for the door. “What a bitch..” I heard him mumble lowly, not having enough strength to say it directly in my face — for in doing so could get him fired.

Following John’s departure, I was able to work peacefully and productively. Gathering and verifying information, confirm tipped intelligence, compiling these into an extensive and coherent report. As I was re-reading once more the final product of my long hours of labor and hard work, I stretched my arms up, hoping to provide some relief to my aching back. 

“Mr. Stark would like to ask if he can swing by your office, Ms. Y/n,” the voice of the A.I. startled me briefly, but it somehow also brought me back to my senses. Wanting to look decent and not like I was mere minutes away from passing out, I quickly removed the hair tie from my ponytail, fixing up my hair as I replied to Friday, “Yeah, he can come up.” As I was done attempting to look presentable, it wasn’t even a minute until I heard the office door open and the man himself, Tony Stark, did walk in — wearing a tight dri fit shirt and sweatpants. 

“Good evening Mr. Stark, was there anything I can help you out with?” I watched as he walked around the office, as if he was checking out if everything was in place — as if he had been there before and was making sure that things were the way he once envisioned. He settled down on an office chair, opposite from where I was sitting down.

Putting his chin on his hand as he crossed his legs, he stared at me curiously and intensely as he informed me about his sudden visit, “Was walking around the office wing when Friday informed me that you were the only employee left in the building. So I thought I’d drop by and see as to what was the reason as to why you were still working late and not going about with your weekend plans.”

I let out a sigh I did not know I was holding — probably out of relief that I was not in trouble — before sharing with him the reason, “I was just finishing up the final touches on the researched information for your mission next week.” He looked interested in that and rose to his feet and made his way to where I was sitting. “You mind if I take a look?”

I shook my head no and started to get up from my seat, when he placed his left hand on my shoulder, pulling me down to remain seated. “Stay,” he requested as his right hand operated the mouse in order to inspect the document opened on my computer, “I might have some remarks or questions about what you have researched.”

Beginning to feel a bit of uneasiness, I tried to fill him in about some parts I thought he was confused or curious about — judging by how he spent some time longer on certain pages compared to the others. “You did a good job, Y/N. Without a doubt next week’s mission would have already failed without what you have done.”

Avoiding his look and our close proximity, I shrugged off the compliment by responding, “Um, thank you. But it wasn’t just me, you know? Some other researchers also helped, I merely just organized and arranged it, Mr. Stark.” His hand still on my shoulder moved to turn me so I was facing him, he sat down on my desk and begged to differ, “I don’t think you would have been the overall head of the research department if all you did was compile shit, right?”

Fiddling with my fingers, I halfheartedly agreed with what he said. Looking up, I saw him cross his arms and his face lit up, as if he had remembered something he forgot to mention. “Which reminds me, I do need your help in researching something. Think you can handle it?” I was able to conceal my surprise, what was it he needed help with? And most importantly, why would he tell me about it now? There are procedures if an Avenger needs something to be researched relating to their work. But I could not bring myself to question him, so instead I buried those doubts in the back of my head. 

“T-That would depend, I guess? What is it about? And w-when do you need it to be completed?” I couldn’t help but scold myself for coming out as timid and scared. He uncrossed his arms and checked his wrist watch while he answered, “I need it to be completed tonight. Possibly into the morning. It depends.”

My jaw dropped in shock and astonishment. Does he seriously think that a research can be completed in mere hours? But if I had wanted to keep this job, then I had to comply with what he wanted. “I think that it would be a challenge to do so, but yeah. I guess it can be doable. What would the research be about?” I managed to blurt out and started to roll up the sleeves of my white, long-sleeved blouse and preparing to type on the computer.

However, Tony held my hands and placed it in my lap, preventing me from moving towards the computer and looked at me deeply, “It’s gonna be about you, Y/N.” I once again found myself dumbfounded and speechless. Opening my mouth I stammered out, “W-What? Mr. Stark, what do you mean?” 

He chuckled as he brushed the strands of hair that had covered a portion of my face. One of his hands stroking my cheek while the other had a firm hold on both my hands situated at my lap, he calmly said, “It’s gonna be about you, baby. I wanna get to know you better. Let’s start with me finding out what it is you’re hiding underneath all these clothes, hm?” 

As he guided me onto my feet and pushed me against the office table, his lips grazed my ear and he kissed it lightly and whispered, “I like the way you call me Mr. Stark, makes me feel powerful.” His kisses started to descend, his lips leaving a trail in my neck as his hands started to caress my waist. Snapping out of my frozen state, I somehow managed to speak up and attempt to push him away from me, “Mr. Stark, please don’t do this. Please, stop” 

With one hand, he quickly grabbed both of my hands and placed it behind my back. His other hand wrapped around my throat, just where his lips were and hissed out, “Why do you want me to stop, Y/N? Do you not like this, baby?” I shook my head, telling him I did not in fact like where this was going. He scoffed, “I think you do. You like the idea of someone taking you in your office, the place where you spend most of your days in. Can’t imagine you getting laid frequently with how busy you are, baby.”

Tears were slowly streaming down my face, trying to wiggle away from the hero that everyone adored and respected. He pushed his body into mine, causing me to stumble which he used to his advantage by lifting me up and sitting me down on the desk. His legs wrapping around mine, effectively trapping me, he lifted my jaw and looked into me as he smirked and said, “Tell you what, if I search you up down there and find that you aren’t wet, I’ll let you go. Think that’s fair, baby?”

He did not even wait for me to answer as he made quick work of removing my skirt as he knelt down on the floor. After unzipping my skirt and discarding it to the floor, he chuckled upon seeing that I was wearing red, lace panties. “For someone who claims to not want this, you sure as hell came prepared.” His hands were then fondling my thighs as he kissed both my kneecaps and requested, “Open those legs, baby girl.” I shook my head and tried to cover my intimate area with both my hands. This evidently displeased the billionaire as he harshly placed his hands on my knees and threatened me by saying, “Unless you want to walk away jobless, then I suggest that you fucking open your legs.”

Filled with fear and horror, I reluctantly opened my legs and showed him my lower half. He showed his appreciation by chuckling darkly and immediately ripping off my panties. Just as I gasped with what he did with my piece of clothing, he brought one hand to my entrance and scooped some of the juices that my body was involuntarily producing. “Well what do you know, you’re not just wet. You’re soaking wet,” he bragged as he used his other grab my leg and stretched it out sideways, giving him more room to work with. “Time to start our research on you, baby.”

As he slowly inserted two of his thick fingers, I could not hold back the whimper as he ruthlessly moved his finger in and out of me. “Please, Mr. Stark, don’t do this.” I pleaded, hoping that his conscience would slap him and somehow get him to stop. But shortly after saying that, I let out a moan of pleasure as I felt his tongue lick my bundle of nerves.

“Just stop resisting, baby,” With his mouth still attached to my pussy lips, he used his other hand to fondle my thighs — hoping to rub off the tension within me. I threw my head back as he thrusted his fingers hard and sucked hard enough that I forgot my earlier concerns of how I was at first reluctant in giving in to him. I threaded my fingers into his hair, pushing his face closer, urging him to continue with what he was doing. He complied and proceeded to focus his sucking my little nub while he added another finger inside before managing to go at even a faster pace than he previously was.

“Fuck,” I exclaimed, “I’m close.” Right after saying that, Mr. Stark abruptly stopped his actions. I looked at him, and there he was licking off the residual juices off of his fingers.”Can’t have you finishing just on my fingers, baby. Has to happen with me inside you. But before that,” he stood up and pulled down his sweatpants and briefs, “Show me how talented your hands and mouth are first, baby.”

Before I could even process what he said, my body responded to the words that just left his mouth and I was pushing him away in order to make room for me to work and dropped down on my knees. Despite being of average length, I took note of how he had an incredible girth. With one hand fondling his balls, the other swiped the precum that was leaking out and spread it around the tip. He let out a loud groan as I then opened my mouth and captured his length.

“Yes, that’s a good girl, baby,” he complimented me while stroking my hair and later on gathering it all up in order for him to control the pace and speed of how I was sucking him. I glanced up at him just as I started gagging around his cock and fondling the rest that failed to fit in my mouth. “Do I taste good, baby?” he teased me while probably noticing that I was struggling not only to fit his entire length in my mouth, but also to please him.

A gurgled yes was the only reply that I managed to get out and he suddenly pulled out of my mouth and quickly put me back into my feet. He ripped off the blouse that I was wearing and briskly unclasped my bra. I watched him intently as he sat down on the swivel chair where I spent most of my working hours on and called out for me, “As much as I love how you please me with your mouth, it would be a waste to not cum inside you. So come over here and ride me,” he demanded as he patted his thighs.

I slowly began to walk over him and climbed over his legs. His smirk widened upon seeing me slowly get into position to ride him — with one of my hands holding onto his shoulder and the other one holding his cock up, I sank down onto him fully. The action might have taken the superhero back as both his hands flew into grasping on my hips and he threw his head back in pleasure.

Moving in slow, circular motions I found myself moaning and panting loudly, breathing out words of praise that had stroke the ego of the superhero. He brought his hand to my clit and he rubbed me fast enough that got me to stop riding him because of how intense the pleasure was. Mr. Stark’s dissatisfaction with what I did was made evident by him slapping my ass with enough force to push my chest into his and reprimanding me, “Did I fucking tell you to stop? No! So keep riding me, you fucking whore!”

I let out a whimper as he once again slapped my ass cheek and rubbed me even harder and faster. Placing both my hands near his collarbone, I began to ride him even faster and started to feel the release begging to come out. This pleased him as he stopped his assault on my ass and began to twist and pull on my nipples. The simulation proved to be too much for me that my head fell into the side of his neck and I began to trail kisses on there and suddenly let out a loud scream as I had suddenly reached my climax.

“Fucking hell, you’ve become even more tighter,” Mr. Stark sounded like he too was already on the verge of reaching his climax. Both his hands then met my hips once more and he started to bounce myself on his cock, disregarding that I could have been sensitive, hoping to finish inside of me. “I told you that you wanted this. That you needed to be fucked hard. So much for the “I don’t want this bullshit,” huh baby?” He mocked me as he noticed the stray tears that were falling on my cheeks as I felt that the stimulation was too much.

“I bet I can make you cum again. That by the time I release my load deep inside you, you will also be creaming over yourself.” His overconfidence was once again being made evident and determined to make his statement true, he began to wrap his mouth around my nipple and one of his fingers was shoved right into my asshole. It might have been the sudden intrusion on my backside, or the feeling of his warm tongue on my nipple, or the fact that his cock was being rammed in and out of me at a dangerously quick pace, but I found myself squirting all over both of our legs.

“Fuck, baby, that’s a good girl,” he moaned out as I also felt him release his juices inside of me. He stopped his licking, fingering, and maneuvering of my body as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head to lay down on his chest. We both took this time in order to calm down and catch our breaths. His one hand was playing with my hair while the other lightly ran up and down my spine. 

With his cock planted still deeply in me, he made me look into his eyes as his hard and demanding tone vanished and instead was replaced with a soft voice accompanied with a gentle look in his eyes as he said, “You did very well in accompanying and complying with my research, baby.”

His praise made me smile and I once again placed my head by his shoulder and briefly closed my eyes — still not having fully recovered from our sexual activity — when what he said caused me once again to be speechless and shocked, “Get ready because in a few minutes I’ll once again be conducting research. But I was thinking about conducting it in a different venue.”

[olivarryprompts]

Fanfic Friday #12

Welcome to Fanfic Friday! Each Friday I post a new here and on A03. Enjoy x

Read and save it on A03 here https://archiveofourown.org/works/34123603

{whatever it is a scar rememebers}

Ships: Sam Wilson/Bucky Barnes

Warnings: mentions of underage drinking, smoking, swearing, mentions of canon typical violence. it's a fluff piece tho :)

“She’s just a little girl. Come on Buck, we have to help her,” Sam said, cuddling into Bucky’s side. “Sam, she’s, she’s our enemy.” “That depends on how you view it.” “Come on.” “Buck, please. She is just trying to make a statement. She hasn’t done any real bad yet.” “Yet, Sammy, see how you said yet. You know how much she is capable of.” “Yes, without our help and guidance. She’s just, just lost.” “I will always back you. Always. It’s not me you need to worry about.” “This is our mission. We get to decide how it gets done, the other avengers have their own.” “That’s directly ignorant of the fact we all need to sign off on mission plans. That’s the deal, that’s why we get to operate in our wide jurisdiction.”“Baby, step back. Look at this for real.” “I know Sammy, I swear. She’s just a girl, and you’ve always had more compassion than me. So convince all the Avengers and I will follow you wherever.” “I’m putting together the mission plan, and I will get it signed.” “Good. Now, can we please go to sleep.” “Yes. Love you.’ “Love you more.”The next morning when they awoke, Sam did not bother waking for Bucky to wake up. Naturally, when Bucky did wake he reached over for Sam and did not find him. Bucky panicked, they had fallen into an unbreakable routine. Sam would always wait up for him. What had happened to his boy? “Friday, is Sam okay?” he asked, panicked. “Yes, he is just on a run with steve. He asked me to inform you that he was planning to get Steve to sign first.” “Oh, oh, thanks Fri,” he said, and then under his breath muttered, “I’m going to kill him.” “Kill who?” Sam said, entering all sweaty. “Samuel Thomas Wilson, how dare you?” Buck said, only half joking. “What baby?” “I woke up without you next to me.” “Had things to do sweetheart,” Sam explained, changing into some sweatpants and a hoodie. “More important than cuddling me.” “Unfortunately so,” he said, putting deodorant on. “You're supposed to say nothing is more important than you.” “Buck, cut the melodramatics.” “Sam, you stole my morning cuddles from me. That is a serious offense.” Sam climbed back into bed and pulled bucky in. “You okay now?” “Yes.” “Got all the Avengers signatures.” Bucky just smiled. Sam and his determination. “When do we leave?” “Two days time. Flight out at 8 O’clock in the morning. We got intel Karli will be stationed in Latvia.” “Okay, guess we’re going then.” “Yes we are.”Somehow they ended up with Karli in custody, and as negotiated by Sam, she would be staying in the compound under his guidance, following a strict routine each day. “So, in the morning you will be woken at 8 am sharp. Breakfast is from 8-8:30, then your school day starts. School is from 8:30 till 2 Monday through Friday. After that there will be therapy for an hour. After that you have training for 2 hours. Any additional activities you wish to take can be negotiated.” “Sounds like hell,” she commented. “Hey it’s either this or prison, pick your poison.” “Oh how I wish it were poison. What does training mean?” “Learning to fight with control and releasing your anger.” “Sounds alright.” “Good.” “And I’m off the hook anytime after 5?” “Yes. Free to do what you wish on the compound. You’ve been fitted with a GPS, that’s the bracelet, and so you can’t really leave.” “Is this legal?” “Yes, very. Oh and you’re required to be at dinner, whatever time that may take place.” “Dinner?” “Avengers are a family, and we have family dinners. Sort of.” “That’s uncomfortable.” “Get used to it.” “No thanks.” “You need help getting settled in?” “Nope.”It was her third day and it was 8 in the morning and she was being woken up. “JUST FUCK OFF YOU STUPID MACHINE,” she yelled. Bucky almost instantly showed up at her door. “Aren't you supposed to be awake right now?” “Everyone needs to fuck the hell off before I beat the shit out of you.” “Alright girlie, calm down. I’m a super soldier too ya know.” “What the hell.” “Take a chill pill.” “Did you really just say that?” “Yes. Now what is going on? Use your big girl words.” “I swear to god.” “What?” “Everything is so goddamn structured

here. Family dinners are so awkward. Therapy is downright stupid, and school, school just sucks.” “Fair enough. It’s your own fault though.” “Huh?” “Shouldn’t have gone for the whole terrorist vibe. Anyway, the more days you complete, the more freedom you get. We have some kids in the compound. Get to know them, they’re a good time. Especially Peter. They have their own thing, and they have a good time together.” “Are you actually dumb? They don’t want to be my friend.” “On the contrary. Most of them understand youth discussion and want to make the world a better place.” “Everyone here is so nice, what the fuck. You’re supposed to hate me.” “I’ve done enough hating for a lifetime. Plus, everyone here is supposed to hate me, too. Turns out that’s not how it works. I’ve become a big brother, a boyfriend, a friend. They make you better, just let them. Let Sam. He really does care about you kid, he put in a real shift to get you here. He gets it.” “I-” “Don’t worry about words. Get ready for school, see you at breakfast a bit, yeah?” “Yeah.” she said hesitantly.Bucky went back into his and Sam’s room. “To think you said you were bad with kids.” “I- eavesdropper.” “More like an attentive listener.” “I just told her what she needed to hear.” “You made yourself vulnerable to make her feel less vulnerable.” “Sure, whatever.” Sam leant into Bucky for a kiss, glad to have him backing his plays. Always.After some time, Karli was seemingly getting the hang of this whole new life. She was saying more than a word per day, actually doing the work assigned to her, and finally she was speaking to some people around the compound. “Hey Karli, how’s the day?” Peter said, swinging round to the gym she was training at. “Yeah alright. How ‘about you spiderboy?” “Heyyyy it’s man.” “Sure, sure.’ “It was fine, too. Pretty easy to be honest.” “You’ve got to help me get this maths shit sorted.” “Wanna head to the lab?” “Gotta finish up two hours, almost done though.” “Haven’t you got a trainer?” “Yeah, used to. Prefer doing it alone, sparing with you and nat on occasion.” “Makes sense. Never liked the guy to be fair.” “See you in the lab in 20?” “Sure thing. Bring your books.” “Alright,” she said, and Peter began to leave. “Hey Peter.” “Yep?” “Thanks, really. For all of this.” “Course, your family now, aren't ya.” Karli just smiled. Then, once Peter had left, she let the few tears that were welling up fall.“Dinner’s in 10,” Sam said, entering the lab. “Fanks Sam.” “Yup.” “What do you think it is?” “One can only hope Loki cooked.” “Hmn. And that Doctor Banner didn’t.” Peter laughed then agreed. “We should go up and help with the set up,” Karli suggested. “Yeah sounds good. I’ll meet you up there, just gotta finish this blueprint” “See ya mate.” “See ya.”So, Karli was settling into her new life with her new people. It was scary. She wasn’t used to being cared for and looked after. If she drank too much one night, no one would care. If she smokes, no one gives a crap. If she never did her homework, it didn’t matter. Those things took some getting used to.“No, it is a big deal.” “It was a drunk night, come off of it Sam.” “Come off of it? What do you think this is?” “What? I’m legal in England, drunk all the time before.” “This ain’t before anymore. Plus, you are not legal in England, you’re seventeen.” “Yeah, I can get a drink at a pub with a parent's consent,” Karli muttered, fighting a meaningless battle. “Well you don’t have that consent.” “Good thing I don’t have a parent,” she rolled her eyes. “Come on kid! It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a parent, you have a family. A family that cares a lot about you. They don’t want you to drink to be happy or smoke and get yourself cancer. How hard is that to understand?” “We ain’t a family.” “What are we then? Last time I check we qualify for a stupid, messed up, family.” “Just fuck off about it,” she said, trying to end the conversation. “Why? Why Karli? Because it’s so hard to imagine that we love you and value you in our lives.” “Yes! All that shit!” “Oh for fuck sake. Bucky, then Steve, fucking

Peter, you’re all the same.” “What are you on about?” “You don’t think you deserve it.” “I-i-” “You don’t think you are good enough for all this.” “Cause I’m not! I’m not like you guys, I’m not good. I’m not a hero.” “Why? Because you were a kid and you made some dumbass mistakes. Because you’re more a pessimist than an optimist. Last time I checked, that does not make you a bad person.” “Whatever.” “Not whatever Karli. You did and do want to help people, that makes you a hero.” “Not how I did it.” “Maybe not. But how you are doing and how you will do it. That does. And none of that shit matters anyway, you belong here, with us. In this family. And you, more than anyone, deserve it.” “Fine.” “Fine?” “Yes, alright. Thank you,” Karli said, finally smiling, “Don’t get all sappy on me.” “Wouldn’t dream of it, kid.” “I love ya.” “I love you, too,” he said, giving her a hug. “We done with this self-hate thing?” “Workin on it, alright?” “Alright.” So, Sam left with a smile and headed downstairs to get some actual work done.

Read and save it here on A03 https://archiveofourown.org/works/34123603.

*Also this was posted many days late and it's deffo not a friday, sorry :)

[steakook]

not a house but a home

Pairing: boyfriend!Jungkook x Reader

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: Domestic Fluff, Angst, very very light Smut if you squint

A/N: feeling all kinds of soft for the babie after his “Never Not” cover. This was supposed to be a Drabble but, as always, jungkook takes my heart further ༼;´༎ຶ.̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨.̸̸̨̨۝ ༎ຶ༽ . Enjoy!

///

“Babe?”

I let out an unintelligible response. My toothbrush is still buzzing in my mouth, for God’s sake. Jungkook takes it as a sign to continue.

“Can you please please PLEASE clean your side of the bathroom?” He says pleadingly with puppy dog eyes but also a hint of seriousness. He means business today.. of all days, Monday.

“SDFGHHH!!! DFYJKGGJK” I let out.

“I know it’s morning and I know you’re grumpy but PLEASE I can’t keep looking at this mess.”

I spit out into my sink. As I’m doing so I look at the cocktail of toiletries that litters my side of the vanity. 5 different Bobbi brown lip tints strewn about. Several makeup brushes and palettes clutter the white marble. Multiple face washes, moisturizes, and various other skincare products I’ve been sold by the deceptive Sephora employees, 83% of which I don’t use. Hair. Hair everywhere. I can’t help it, with hair like this I can’t just empty my comb every single day.

“I have no idea what you’re referring to.” I say to my beautiful and unfortunately meticulous boyfriend with a smirk.

He heaved a loaded sigh.

“Baaaaaabe.”

Here we go.

“I can’t look at this every morning!! How can you have your side so messy and still be able to operate throughout the day clearly?! Being organized brings peace to one’s life.”

Oh God I don’t remember putting something up his ass last night and leaving it there. I giggle in my head. I need to save that joke for later.

“You know, if I knew you’d be this messy, I would’ve just stayed at the dorms. Living with you is basically as bad as living with them.” Jungkook says, no trace of playfulness in his voice.

“Oh really? The same? Y’all giving each other cuddles?? Y’all sucking each other’s dicks?! Hmm??”

Ok in all honesty i really shouldn’t start a fight this early in the morning let alone week. But he knows how grumpy I am in the mornings. Not only do I have to wake up and ungodly hour (7am is ungodly for some of us, okay?), but I naturally hate being forced out of my comfy bed cuddling with my exorbitantly organized but very hot boyfriend.

I look at him. He has an incredulous look in his eyes. We’ve had this fight multiple times since moving in with each other 6 months ago. To be quite frank, there have been more growing pains than happy moments. I started realizing my organized chaos choice of living deeply contrasted jungkook’s need to put everything in its place and if it can be alphabetized, all the better. I’m annoyed and so is he.

“Are you serious? Can’t you do this ONE thing for me? One thing that will significantly improve not only mine but your life as well? I swear it’s amazing how much you accomplish at work when you practically do nothing at home.”

Oh. Wasn’t expecting that.

He must see the change in playfulness in my face, immediately regretting his words.

“Babe I’m sor-“

“Don’t worry about it. I have to finish getting ready. I have a big presentation to present to the Japanese stockholders this afternoon regarding our globalization plan.... I mean, hopefully i don’t fuck it up seeing as how I live my life in such a clusterfuck it’s a wonder how i get things done there. Right, jungkook?”

I don’t wait for him to answer as i leave our shared bathroom but he just continues to stand there. I hit him low too.

Living together has put quite a strain on our relationship because we haven’t really found that symbiotic rhythm yet. To be honest, I kick ass and take names in the board room but I’ve never found myself to be very... well... domestic at home. Jungkook, on the other hand, not only is good at every chore. He is amazing. he has a neurotic obsession with making sure laundry never overflows in the hamper, dishes are always clean and the sink is empty, and making sure dust never accumulates. I swear to God. For someone who is an international kpop sensation, how does he have time to keep our house looking so great everyday.

This is a quality of his I worship. His never ending never endingness. There is always work to be done, this can always be cleaner, that can always be done today not tomorrow. Me, on the other hand, I wear two hats. There is the Business Y/N who has an MBA and literally climbed her way up the corporate ladder. Queen of making deals and making grown men cry around the world. I have a 401k. I know. Amazing. But outside of that, I’ve always been Party, easy going Y/N. My job already requires me to be ruthless yet charismatic AND strategic everyday, I don’t need to bring that elsewhere.

If I hadn’t had the second hat, I don’t think I would have ever met jungkook. We met at a random awards show I was attending for fun with some friends, my close friend from B-school scoring us tickets within the artists’ seating. We’ve been inseparable ever since.

I’ve always envied kook for his ability to be at the forefront in everything in his life. From his career, to his multitude of sports and hobbies, to taking care of his homestead. He’s more serious and cares more about little things than I think he purposely lets on. We are yin and yang. opposites attract, yes, but can they actually coexist?

It’s been a long day when i get home at 10pm. Funny enough, both our schedules are so hectic but perfectly align with his late dance practices and my evening calls to Belgium.

Our golden doodle puppy greets me.

“Matcha!!!!!! How are you my love???” She showers me with kisses. Oh how lovely this is after a particularly shitty day.

I turn into the tv room and see him laying there icing his knee. He looks gorgeous. Even now, barefaced and in a hoodie that’s three times his should-be size and basketball shorts, watching the 6th season of nartuto. (For the 7th time).

We look at each other waiting for one to break. It’s always been like this. What more could you expect from two highly-competitive and maybe a bit self-righteous individuals? Maybe we are more similar than we are different.

“Hi baby.” I cave.

The hard look on his face softens. He puts his guard down, relieved we won’t have to fight. I go over and lay down next to him making sure i don’t hit his knee. He wraps me in his large arms and I feel a glow of comfort. He smells like fresh laundry. (Which is probably accurate since he made sure to do a load today before heading to the studio.. someone say ANAL RETENTIVE with me!!)

“You smell so nice.” He is soft. No, he is softness personified. As much of a tough, stubborn Virgo as he is, he is a ball of pudding when it comes to after work moments like these. He tucks his nose into my hair. And kisses me absentmindedly.

“About this morning-“ He starts. But I cut him off.

“No, no. I’m sorry. I know it’s been hard living together with our opposing..... lifestyle choices” he snorts. “But I know you’ve had to bend to me more than I’ve had to bend to you. And for that I’m sincerely sorry. I haven’t made nearly as much of an effort to make this work. But the change has been hard for me. I’ve never had to live with a boy let alone share a bathroom with one. And not only that, I had always imagined I WOULD BE THE CLEANER ONE.” He chuckles quietly and plants some chaste kisses on my temples.

“Babe, no. I know. You’re still adjusting. But I need to apologize too. I didn’t mean what I said earlier but i just get so frustrated sometimes! You’re hard headed and I am too. But still I shouldn’t have said those things I’ve said about you not being great at your job. Your ferocity is one of the reasons i love you. It’s also extremely hot.”

I smile and look up into those big brown doe eyes and I melt. How could he look so good after practicing the whole day? And how could he be so patient and loving to someone like me? Messy and unorganized.

“I love you. So much. I don’t deserve to be with someone like you. You’re amazing at everything it’s so damn frustrating sometimes. Not only do you devote your life to an occupation that require so much of you, you also still make time to take care of us, this place. I’m sorry I don’t make things easy.”

“Y/N. You may be frustratingly messy. I don’t understand how one person can produce so much goddamn hair at once to be quite honest. You shed more than Matcha. But being with you is easy. You make life easy. You give me easiness when so so so many other things in this life are so hard and time consuming. So many people want so much from me and I want to be the person they need. But when I’m with you, it doesn’t feel like work. It’s easiness in its purest sense. Even though you don’t clean up your shit.”

I giggle.

“But even then, i wouldn’t trade this for anything else.”

I kiss him chastely and he holds my chin up for better access. We kiss like this for a while before he swipes his tongue against my lip asking for permission. Though he doesn’t need any. The kiss escalated into something deeper. Hotter. He licks into my mouth and I feel heat stir in my stomach. Fuck.

He uses his arms already wrapped around me to place me on top of him. Ice bag long forgotten on the floor. We make out passionately as if our lives depend on it. I put my hand to the back of his neck and run through his gorgeous thick chocolate hair. So lush.

I find myself straddling his waist and grind my core against his half hard-on. He moans.

“Fuck..”

I grind harder with intention and fill fires of lust consume me. Holy fucking shit. It always feels like the first time. He puts his hands on my thighs gripping them and forcing me to go harder onto his dick.

After a few minutes he sits up, lips still connected and lifts me up. I smirk into the kiss already knowing where this is going. He carries me along the marbled tile hallway to our bedroom and throws me on the bed. He strips himself of his hoodie.

“You know... you’ve been quite disobedient to me, Y/N. I think it’s time to put you in your place.” He says sternly. God, he has never looked more hot.

///

A/N: thank you so much for reading!!!! Hopefully you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This is my first fic so please let me know if you liked it! 

Lots of love.

-M

[purplesurveys]

987

survey by shamegmeg

Have you ever cut your own hair? I’ve trimmed my own bangs but that’s it. I feel like doing anything to my hair altogether on my own is too big a move and would have bigger consequences if I fuck it up (which I definitely will end up doing).

What do you eat most frequently? Meat - chicken, beef, and pork. It’s in nearly every dish we eat, if not all of them.

Are you a fan of video games? I will always find the topic interesting and I played a fair share of video games growing up, but I’m not an ultra fan of any of the most popular games right now. I do like staying updated with my favorite series like Grand Theft Auto, The Sims, Mario Kart, etc. but it’s rare that I get my hands on the console itself to play. 

What's your favorite color combination? I don’t really think of any specific two colors, but I’m generally a fan of combinations of muted or pastel colors. Anything that doesn’t hurt my eyes too much.

Did you share a locker at school? We didn’t do that; we each had our own.

What's one sport you could never play? Basketball. Never understood the rules and I just never had the stamina for it. I’m also pretty competitive so I feel like I’d be pissed off and take it personally whenever somebody blocks me hahaha.

Blue or black ink? Black. I have nothing against blue though - I just like keeping pens with black ink around more.

Have you ever sang karaoke? Just once or twice. I’m not extroverted enough for it, not even when drunk. I just really hate the sound of my own singing voice, so it doesn’t help if I’m suddenly singing into a microphone.

What was the last concert you attended? Answer’s gonna be unchanged for the meantime, man...Paramore. No complaints naming them every time I’m asked this, though. Let’s hope they’ll also be the next concert I attend, as they like coming back to Manila anyway :))

Have you held anyone's hand in the past week? No.

What's your favorite perfume/body spray/cologne? I’ve used Beyoncé’s Heat Rush since high school. I’ve never gotten tired of the scent and pretty much everyone knows me by that perfume now.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Before Covid, it depended on how late I’d get out of bed. If I had the energy to get up earlier, I’d devote 20-30 minutes to getting ready; but if it was a harder morning to face, I’d just take a quick 3-minute shower and wear the first things I see in my closet. These days since I just work from home, all I need to do is shower which takes no more than a few minutes.

What is the oldest age you think should wear makeup? I think anyone of any gender of any age (except babies and younger kids) of any background from any walk of life should be allowed to wear makeup...

How old were you when you went on your first date? I was 16.

What's your nationality(ies)? Filipino.

Are you an open book? I can be for the most part since there’s no harm in sharing, but there are a few things that I’m extremely protective and secretive about.

Do you think you're a good secret keeper? Yeah. I used to share secrets with Gab but that’s because she tends to forget easily, but otherwise I have no problem taking secrets with me to my grave.

Name one fashion trend you could never follow. I have never been into wedges. Too chunky-looking.

Do you prefer long hair or short hair? On me? Short. It’s easier to maintain and take care of.

When do you plan to go to sleep tonight? Depends on how tired I am by the end of the day. I did make a cup of coffee today though so the caffeine might also choose to hang out into the evening.

Has anyone besides your family seen you naked? Yes.

If so, who? Gabie.

What exotic animal would you love to have as a pet? That’s a pass for me. I don’t know their temperament and what they need on a normal day, so I’m really not well-equipped to keep an exotic animal as a pet and I don’t want to end up accidentally killing them or something.

Do you want kids when you're older? At this point in my life I can go with or without them.

Did your parents sign you up for anything you hated as a child? I’m definitely grateful for it now, but when I was going through ballet classes as a five year old I absolutely hated it and had no idea what I was doing there. I wish I could tell my five year old self to appreciate it more because now I think it’s pretty cute that my parents wanted me to take up ballet and enrolled me in classes.

Where's your cell phone? It’s just right beside me. It’s always right beside me, haha.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I’ve always been a firm supporter of the egg lol because it had to be an earlier version of the chicken that laid the egg that would ultimately hatch the chicken as we know them today. Idk though, I hate questions like this hahahaha

What are your feelings about Octomom? I don’t know anything more than the fact that she had octuplets, which is awesome and badass in itself.

Do you know of Smosh? I used to LOVE Smosh, like holy shit. I probably talked about them in my earliest surveys a decade ago; simply put I was hooked. Watched every new episode and every new Lunchtime with Smosh/Ian Is Bored video from around maybe 2010-2013 until they started adding more crew members and until their videos started to stray from the content that made them blow up in the first place. I still remember when it was Smosh and Pewdiepie vying for the highest subscriber count on YouTube, haha. Was also sad when Anthony left. Suffice it to say I’ll always hold a fondness for Smosh - Anthony and Ian were my first favorite YouTubers along with Pewdiepie.

Do you drink enough water daily? Some days I do, some days I don’t.

Is your diet healthy? When I do eat my dishes are always a good balance of meat and veggies, but I feel like me skipping most of my meals overshadows that fact and makes my overall diet not-so-healthy.

What's your favorite fruit? The only one I’ve had and not feel like gagging whenever I consume it is avocado. To an extent, tomato too.

What was your favorite Halloween costume? Going as my former best friend, Sofie.

Have you purchased any cool objects from a foreign country? I bought a few trinkets from Japan when I was there, but they were all for my loved ones and I don’t exactly remember what I bought anymore.

Are you on a laptop or a desktop computer right now? Laptop. 

Where do you plan to post this survey? Tumblr, as I’ve always done in the last near-decade or so.

Do you remember anyone's number by heart? My mom’s, sister’s, and Gabie’s.

Are you a morning person or a late night owl? I’m more of a morning person lately because of work and because of the need to be chirpy by 9 AM. Being awake these days makes me sad now, so I avoid staying up late as much as I can; which means my days of being a night owl are over.

Name something you will never try in your lifetime. Coprophagia.

What do you think is your biggest flaw? I’m super competitive, which makes me the suckiest person to have friendly games with. I avoid them altogether so that I don’t end up killing the vibe of whatever crowd I’m with. I’ll own this lol.

First physical trait you notice in the sex you're attracted to? Wouldn’t say I’m automatically attracted to any sex. With everyone though, I tend to notice body language first which kiiinda counts as a physical trait.

How about personality wise? Whether they look approachable/easy to talk to or not.

Are you sick often? Almost never.

Would you rather have strep throat or an ear infection? Uh I’d rather not be sick at all hahaha.

When did you last shower? This morning, before work. We have online meetings every Monday morning, and I wanted to look fresh and clean for it.

Do you have neat handwriting? I’d say so. I get a lot of compliments about my penmanship and my friends usually call on me when they need someone with consistent and clean handwriting, so I guess must be holding my pens right.

Are you a messy or organized person? I’d say my workspaces are always organized but my personal space (car, backpack, etc) is messy.

At what age do you hope to get married? By the end of my 20s or early 30s.

Is being thin really all that great? Idk, I feel like the experience differs per person. I don’t have complaints about it for the most part, but it can get annoying when there are certain tops I’d like to wear but will never be able to pull off and thus have to leave on the rack just because my chest is flat or my overall figure is rather tiny.

Which of the seven deadly sins do you think you're most guilty of? Pride.

How much time have you spent on the computer today? 9 hours and counting. WFH is basically being on the computer all day, so that’s a big reason why I’ve racked up so many hours.

What size shoe are you? 6–7.5.

How was the weather today? The sun was out but fortunately it wasn’t all that hot for me to feel uncomfortable. I hate that it was bright all day, though. My disposition is more likely to improve if it’s cloudy and a little gloomy, haha.

Do you live above, below, or on the Equator? Above.

Do you know how to use Photoshop? I tried to play and experiment with it as a teen, but it just never made sense to me. I hate touching any kind of Adobe program.

Admit it, you're thinking about someone right now. Eh, false. I’m thinking of how much longer this survey will still be.

Where is he/she?

Where was your first job? My first internship was also at a PR agency, if that counts.

Favorite year in high school? Junior year.

East or West? As in parts of the world? East all the way, of course.

Where did your first kiss take place? On my bed.

What color do you wear most often? Probably maroon because of how many UP shirts I have.

Who was the last person you talked on the phone to? That would be my dad.

Have you ever done your own laundry? Kinda. I’ve had to wash my blanket a few times because Cooper peed on them.

Have you ever been to a night club? Yes.

Are you allergic to anything? Nope.

What's the best place you have ever eaten? Mendokoro Ramenba by a freaking mile.

Do you own a hair straightener? No. My mom does; if I ever need a straightener I just borrow hers.

Are you barefoot right now? Yep, always am when I’m at home except for the rare times I put socks on.

Are you subscribed to any magazine? No. Even when magazine subscriptions were popular I was never subscribed to any; I didn’t see the point when I could just get the new issue every month at the mall myself lol.

Puppies or kittens? Puppies.

If you had a billion dollars, where would your first investment be made? First I would probably read up on investment so that I don’t end up making decisions I’ll regret. My first agenda is to help my parents settle whatever payments they’re making at the moment, so that they don’t have to worry about any of that crap anymore.

Who is the best artist you've seen live? PARAMORE. I mean they’re artists, as in plural, but still.

Any major plans coming up this week? Keep myself alive.

Did you know they never told you Arnold's last name in Hey, Arnold? Never realized that but I don’t really care too much, considering I was never into the show.

Would you rather watch a romantic comedy or watch a thrilling horror movie? Romantic comedy, as long as it’s one I’ve already seen and enjoyed, like Love Actually or The Proposal. Most other romcoms are too cheesy and suck.

How is your hair styled right now? It’s in a ponytail that’s been unchanged all day, so it’s a bit messy at this point.

Favorite person that you've talked to today? Angela.

Do you need AC right now? I’m good. It’s a little chilly tonight, so yay.

Do more people call you by a nickname or your first name? My first name is already my nickname - most people just call me Robyn. At home, though, I’m usually called a shortened version of my name.

Name something you're proud of. I confided in Angela today that I’m finally starting to think of seeing a therapist. Which I think is such a big realization to have and a big choice to have made. So yay me. Let’s hope I actually push through with it, and let’s hope I’m able to land a job soon so I can finally fucking afford to see one.

Are you a hopeless romantic? I never knew what this meant and I don’t feel like learning tonight.

How do you feel about couples who say 'I love you' too soon? No judgment. I don’t comment on how other couples navigate their relationship; it’s their thing.

What's the most recent favor you've done for somebody? Can’t remember.

Are you at home right now? Yep.

What did you last spend money on? Gas.

Does any accent annoy you? Stereotypical ones, like how Filipino-American stand-up comedians always try to cash in on Filipino quirks and make fun of thick Filipino accents, which makes all Filipinos look like we can’t speak English ‘properly,’ whatever properly means. Full-blooded Filipinos are so sick of that shit. We get it, the cellpown is ober der -___-

How about turn you on? None actively turn me on.

Are you wearing any jewelry? No.

Do you get along better with your mom or your dad? Dad. Easier to talk to and we share more interests.

Are you craving anything right now? Sushi.

What's worse: Crocs or Uggs? I’d go with Uggs, because Crocs actually look cute on kids so at least it suits one market lol

Do you knock before you open doors? Yep, always. I learned the habit because my mom never knocks and I quickly realized I don’t want to be that kind of person.

Do you know what a sock on the doorknob means? I think so.

Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate.

What's your zodiac sign? Taurus.

Does Fred from Youtube annoy you? I don’t think he ever did.

[gotmilk5101520]

Miraculous Ladybug Rewatch Episode 71 Timetagger

Into the rabbit hole everyone.

“Eh– The name's Marinette, I bake chouquettes, I love drawing and… sewing blankets? Uh…” Yeah i can’t rap either Marinette.

“Oh no. Not again”

“Alya, can you handle these three on your own? I uh, I just remembered I promised my dad I would try out his new macaron recipe”

“Marinette, just hurry up and transform already”

Yeah no one saw that.

“Let's just end this fast like the last 23 other times”

“Lucky Charm” “Cataclysm”

And everyone lost interest.

Chat how?

“This man is hopeless. I've akumatised him 24 times and not once has he come close to succeeding” That just goes to show how really “Well” things are going Hawky Mothy.

“Lord Ramier Featherbottom, knight of the king? Founder of the order of The Great Pigeon?” What sort of adventures did he go on?

“I come from the future. A future where Ladybug and Chat Noir are adults”

“It was future Hawkmoth's slick idea to send me into the past. To seize their Miraculous before they've obtained their adult powers” Wait “Adult powers“? What powers do they get in the future?

“If you want to do it so bad, then can you guys not do it at my home?”

“This watch has been in my family since forever”

“This family heirloom was made by one of our ancestors many, many years ago”

“Did you also inherit a shovel to go with your watch, by any chance?”

Not funny.

*Screams in Future Rabbit*

“A basic security measure in case the watch is stolen”

“But now, I need to do something very important”

Hey using the restroom is important

“My name's Bunnyx. And in the future, I'm a member of Ladybug and Chat Noir's team of superheroes”

“Well, the Ladybug and Chat Noir you're going to become, because right now, you two are more like Minibug and Kitty Noir”

“Within the team, I am the hero of the last chance. I'm called upon when everyone else has failed, that includes you two”

“Ey! We just got you out of the stone, didn't we? Which means you must have failed somewhere, too”

“Yes, well, no. It was actually your fault. Or more precisely, it will be. In the future, one of your cataclysms will accidentally damage my Miraculous” He’s confused.

“Yes, my watch. Our watch”

“Whoa! This was a Miraculous the whole time?! Oh god and it was destroyed back in season 1”

Pay attention to Fluff here. Fluff looks confused.

“You haven't given it to us, yet, Minibug, because you haven't realized just how awesome I really am. But don't worry, you will, one day” I’m still holding on to the idea of The Pharaoh 2 being Bunnyx introduction.

Fluff is cute.

“I don't understand. If you're from the future, then you gotta know how this all ends. Your younger self has seen it with her own eyes. Which means you obviously know how to defeat Timetagger”

“Actually, uh… I've spent so much time in stone, I can barely remember. Hell i even forgot the number of times you and Chat Noir have fucked on the rooftops. Gonna need Viperion to remind me, cause he and i are  the only ones who keeps count. He’s also the one who times count of all the times Carapace and Rena Rouge fucked on the rooftops. And i’m the only one who keeps count on all the times Viperion and Ryuko fucked on the rooftops” “Wait what?”

“Fluff, Hippity Hoppity!”

“In the future you've defeated: Doctor Sadness”

“The Eclyptinvaders”

“Pain and Tears, the twin queens of the Interdimension”

“And Ignoblia, the evil sister of Majestia”

“Oh, and I even forgot Monsieur Rat” Future villains, but are they akumatized people or no?

“Tell me, Bunnyx, in the future, are Ladybug and I like…”

“Chat!”

“Oh, you and her it's always more like…”

I still don’t get it.

“She doesn't need to transform back before she uses her power again?”

“No, because she's an adult!”

“Awesome, I can't wait to grow up” Hey i thought the same thing too Chat and let me tell you, it’s not worth it.

“See?! In the future that's exactly how you damaged my Miraculous” So it was done exactly like that?

“Enjoy your trip to the ice age, fluffytail” Maybe she can help that squirrel get that damn acorn.

Need to rewatch Star Wars so i can find Bunnyx.

“I don't have a pen, could anyone lend me one, please?” First day of school.

*Screams in Future French*

“Come on Kitty” “But it was just a party, my lady” “You’ve been drinking have you? “No i’m not drunk! Hehehe” “Let’s go home Chat Noir”

“The future bird catches the worm. This time, the Miraculous are mine!”

“You're right on the first count, but not on the second”

“The Miraculous are not for you”

“What?!”

“Hahaha! I said I was sent by the Hawkmoth of the future, but I never said that the Hawkmoth of the future was you!

Holy shit.

Random red background.

“I'm not a baby anymore, can I play Freestyle Clash II with you?”

“Hahaha! Superhero babies need a little rest?”

“Your earrings are mine, Babybug”

Man i can’t believe i didn’t put the pieces together that Timetagger was Future Chris.

“See girl? We did it. We always will” *Screams in Future French again*

“Hey, future Ladybug, when am I gonna get my Miraculous?”

“As soon as you're as cool as I am, mini-me” The Pharaoh 2 when?

What sets Bunnyx apart from all the new heroes? Is that we had no idea about her till Timetagger aired. We all knew about Rena Rouge, Carapace, Queen Bee, Viperion, Pegasus, Ryuko, and King Monkey. But Bunnyx? There was not one spoiler about her till now. That’s one of the reasons why this is one of the best episodes in season 3 And to be honest i always thought that Timetagger was going to be Timebreaker 2 well in a weird way it kinda is. Just that Alix wasn’t the one akumatized like i thought. But hey she’s still in the episode.

“Why doesn't anyone tell me how awesome I am?”

“Because you already know you're the best, Kitty Noir” *Screams in Ladynoir*

“If I'm not Hawkmoth in the future, then that means I failed”

“Or that you've succeeded” This is something the fandom fails to think about. Did Gabriel get his wish, did he get exposed as Hawkmoth, or did something else happened?

“Hey, the future isn't set in stone”

“The future is not set in stone, Gabriel” Honesty i take their “The future is not set in stone” comment as a metaphor, by the creators, telling us the fans that this could be the future of Miraculous Ladybug. But it depends how well the series does. Everything isn’t set in stone.

“Alya, it's Marinette! I'm sorry I won't be able to look after Chris and your sisters this afternoon. I— I hadn't finished my presentation for Monday, I hope you're not mad at me”

“No, of course not, no biggy. A friend of mine said she'd take care of them, so Nino and I are going to see a movie”

“Thanks again, Lila”

And then, this bitch shows up.

“Do I know how to play Freestyle Clash? Please, I invented Freestyle Clash” *Lies in Italian*

“Wow, for real?”

“Of course for real, I never lie” Bitch you have lie in your name.

We find out that there will be a new Hawkmoth in the future, and then Lila shows up at the end lying to Chris, who will one day get akumatized into Timetagger. Very suspicious. Or as we say in Among Us, very sus.

Again Chat, how?

“Everything Bunnyx told us seems crazy. All those supervillains with weird names. Like doctor what's-his-name and Monsieur Rat?”

“Monsieur Rat?! What kind of a codename is that?!”

“Oh, hello! What are you? Hello, cutie. You're even cuter than a pigeon” Monsieur Rat.

Can’t wait for Bunnyx origins.

Let’s throw a party!

[mirrerover]

PROMPT PALS ✌🏻Domestic! Taekook edition: Taehyung thought he was helping when he said he’d do the laundry. Thought he’d get things extra clean if he just added a bit more detergent than it said on the pack (why else would that empty coffee mug be next to the machine??). Twenty minutes later he questions his decision-making skills.

Taehyung has discovered there’s small and big ways you can miss someone. Miss Jeongguk. The big way is a constant feeling, ebbing and flowing, sometimes merely background noise and almost forgotten, but always there. Jeongguk’s absence.

The small ways are scattered throughout the day, like individual water drops slowly collecting into waves of missing him. Habits and rituals that are broken. Jeongguk not making their morning coffee on his allocated days (Jeongguk‘s days are Monday and Wednesday, because of his early classes, and the weekends because he’ll go for a run in the park and take a shower before Taehyung has even taken his first piss of the day). Jeongguk not being in their bed at night so Taehyung is back to cuddling a pillow to his chest like he did when he was younger. Jeongguk no longer cooking dinner so there are no dishes for Taehyung to wash.

Jeongguk not immediately replying to his texts because of time zone differences and bad cell reception.  

Taehyung redirects his frown from his phone screen to the laundry machine and back to his phone again.

Jeongguk doing all their laundry.

The little digital screen at the top of the washer is blinking back a lot of information at Taehyung concerning temperature, the speed at which it spins, and half a dozen other symbols that show up in different combinations depending on how he turns the big dial in the middle. Bedsheets don’t seem to have their own setting and he’s not sure whether to classify them as cotton or coloured.

Taehyung slips his phone in his back pocket with a sigh and decisively turns the dial to coloured.

People spend most of their time in bed with their eyes closed anyway. Low risk first laundry load.

“Who even cares?” Taehyung grouses as he grabs the porcelain measuring cup and fills it to the brim with Jeongguk’s favourite laundry detergent. Something sweet and flowery. And really, really gay as Taehyung likes to remind Jeongguk. “Right, Tannie?”

Yeontan’s nails click nervously on the wooden floor as he hovers around Taehyung’s feet.

Yeontan has always been an unusually quiet Pomeranian with a borderline obsessive fixation on Taehyung. Those stalker impulses hadn’t improved when Yeontan’s other human dad mysteriously disappeared from his daily routine two weeks ago. Taehyung now takes his shits with a tiny dog lying on his feet.    

Scooping Yeontan up in his arms, Taehyung retreats back to the couch in the living room, kicking the door closed on his way out.

He’s streaming One Punch Man and is scheduled to wallow in self-pity tonight while he chows down on take out and wears one of Jeongguk’s sweaters. Like he has done for every night these past two weeks. He doesn’t have time for laundry.

 ——

Taehyung’s ringtone cuts through his sleep with all the viciousness of a morning alarm, startling him bad enough that he almost kicks Yeontan off the couch in his uncoordinated attempts to reach his phone and make it stop. Somewhere between still asleep and vaguely conscious, Taehyung manages to pick the call up and mutter something resembling a greeting. Maybe a curse.

“Tae?” Jeongguk’s voice clears the fog in Taehyung’s mind a little. “Are you there?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Taehyung grumbles as he awkwardly drags his body up in a sitting position, Yeontan immediately climbing into his lap. “I’m here.”

Jeongguk’s giggles sound tinny coming through the speaker of his phone. But they cause a tightness in Taehyung’s chest that makes his next intake of breath a little staggered.

“You sure?”

Taehyung runs his fingers through Yeontan’s fur and smiles like a loser. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay,” Jeongguk mumbles around a yawn. Taehyung glances at the clock on the wall. It’s early where Jeongguk is. “I got your texts. All 100 of them.”

“We had a moment,” Taehyung says like that explains things. “But Tan and I made it work. We’re independent women.” Another tinny giggle that wraps around Taehyung’s ribs and makes them clench. “You just woke up?”

“Yeah.” There’s some clatter in the background that indicates Jeongguk is up and moving about. Taehyung imagines the messy bed hair and puffy eyes he’s used to waking up next to. How soft Jeongguk looks in the morning. “We’re in a Bed and Breakfast for one night. ‘S how I’m calling.”

They don’t call often. Not as often as Taehyung likes. There’s only one sim card Jeongguk and his brother purchased to share between them as they’re abroad and it’s more of an emergency thing than anything else. Jeongguk calls when he finds wifi. Taehyung always has his sound on.

“Must be nice. Sleeping in a real bed.”

Jeongguk hums softly, a sleepy quality to the vibrations. So similar to when he’s about to fall asleep and Taehyung presses his lips to the nape of his neck to say goodnight.

“How’s Tannie?”

Taehyung glances down at Yeontan staring intently up at his face. “Abandonment issues.”

“Tae,” Jeongguk whines through the line. The sound so pitiful and familiar it makes Taehyung snicker. “Don’t be an ass.”

“It’s fine. He's fine,” Taehyung says as he scratches Yeontan’s ears. He slouches back further in the couch with a sigh. “He just misses you.”

“Miss him too,” Jeongguk says quietly.

It’s been a little hard on him. Both of them. Taehyung knows some people might call them dramatic for being so moody over Jeongguk going away on a 1-month-brother-bonding-camping-trip in the national parks of the USA. People have called them dramatic. (One person. Yoongi.) But Taehyung’s a soft bitch when it comes to Jeongguk and Jeongguk’s even softer. Two losers in love.

Taehyung grabs the remote and turns off the TV. Only wants to hear Jeongguk’s voice breaking the silence. “What’s happening today?”

“Going on a hike,” Jeongguk says. All the Jeon boys seem to do is hike. Taehyung’s messages from Jeongguk are filled with pics of them on mountains, hills, and near lakes. Cheeks glowing pink and sunburned. Limbs tanned and muscular. Lips stretched in wide smiles so similar they could only be between siblings.

“Don’t get eaten by a bear or anything.”

“You know I’d kill to get back to you.”

“Intruding on a wild animal’s territory and then punishing them by murder when they get defensive. That’s so hot, babe.”

“Anything for you, babe.”

Taehyung snorts. “Nothing like a dead animal rug to declare your eternal love.”

“Exactly.”

Taehyung can still hear Jeongguk puttering about in the background. The familiar sound of bottle caps being popped open. The start of Jeongguk’s extensive skin care regime.

“How’s the toiletry bag holding up?” Taehyung got him a new one especially for this trip; big enough to hold all of Jeongguk’s numerous products. Didn’t even make that much fun of him for having more cremes than any girl Taehyung claims to know. Completely caved and told Jeongguk he was absolutely right to take good care of his skin and be consistent with his dermatologist prescribed acne medication when Jeongguk wouldn’t stop pouting.  

“Good,” says Jeongguk. “‘S real nice.” He sounds absent and Taehyung can easily picture him leaning in close to the mirror, focused on applying everything in all the right spots. Just like he does at home. “Junghyun says I can’t wear my perfume anymore,” Jeongguk continues. “Says it attracts all the insects.”

“So he’s stifling your gay?”

“He’s not stifling my gay,” Jeongguk snipes, always so easily wound up. “Skin care isn’t gay, Taehyung. Maybe you should give it a little more thought, so it won’t look like I’m taking Grandpa out on a date in 40 years.”

Taehyung chuckles, feels his heart beat warm and sluggish at the thought of still having Jeongguk on his arm 40 years from now. “Bet your ass would be all over big dicks and older men.”

“If I like big dicks then what the hell am I doing with you?”

Taehyung shakes with laughter hard enough for Yeontan to awkwardly scramble around for balance on his legs. “Calm down, size queen.”

“You calm down,” Jeongguk says, but there’s more smile than bite in his voice. Taehyung swallows at the fondness there. He misses teasing Jeongguk in person. Sharing a bathroom in the morning and smearing kisses covered in toothpaste on Jeongguk’s neck. Trying to avoid Jeongguk ripping him a new asshole with the brutal whip of a towel. Jeongguk giving back as good as he gets.

The conversation falls quiet after that, Taehyung content to just listen to Jeongguk starting his day halfway across the world. Petting Yeontan and offering useless clothing advice as Jeongguk gets dressed. Trying to feel close to him from far away.  

“So, do you still need help with the laundry?” Jeongguk inquires eventually, trying to stretch a conversation that’s coming to an end.

“It’s all good. Used your special cup and everything.”

“My special cup?”

“Yeah, to measure the detergent.”

There’s a dubious pause on the other end of the line. “You’re supposed to use the bottle cap, Tae. It’s concentrated liquid. What the hell did you use?”

Yeontan does end up on the floor this time as Taehyung launches himself off the couch. But he’s not in time to do anything but admire his floor covered in suds. Sometimes the small ways of missing someone really matter.

———-

@ghouliecruz I just wrote for the first time in over a year especially for your overworked sleep-deprived ass because that’s how amazing a person I am. So you better take me out for Asian food soon.

[slothgiirl]

Y/N AND HARRY STYLES SOULMATE AU part 2

Mindlessly you scratch at your wrist like you have been for the last two days. It's only two and you're already done for the day, yet you still have work after class, which is unfair and further proof that monday's suck.

At least you won't be hungover like you were after the concert you'd been dragged to by Lydia who didn't have work the morning after.

What you needed was coffee. That would help you make it through the day. An overpriced cuppa coffee with lots of cream and sugar that was really and basically a coffee milkshake.

“Is regular milk okay,” the cashier asks, voice as dead as you felt after class, wrist sore from all the note taking.

“Um do you have oat milk actually,” you ask, feeling bad about making this mans day harder than it had to be and wondering if you should have gone with the regular milk after all.

“Yeah it's 50 cents more is that okay?”

“Yeah,” you answer, wincing and pretending that those fifty cents were fine in the name of self care when you could've really just skipped the coffee and saved five pounds.

You scratch at your wrist again. Looking down a you stand by the bar, waiting for your name to be called, when the sweet relief of scratching an itch stings instead.

Your wrist is red. Has been since it started itching at some point yesterday. You hadn't been able to pinpoint when it happened. Fuck.

It was just your luck, to run into your soulmate and not remember when. This wasn't the same as misplacing keys and your phone and the books you needed for class. It was your soulmate.

The words had only cleared up a little, going from a black smudge, much like eyeliner after you wiped your eyes, to distinct letters. Still too fuzzy to make out.

Well shit.

You scrolled through your phone. Checked your email like a functioning adult. Opened and closed instagram without scrolling down further than two posts.

Harry Styles walks into the coffee shop, wearing jeans and a hoodie, hair disheveled. You wondered if you should say hi, eyes on your phone to keep from staring.

Technically you had met him. And he'd been nice. But wasn't that a fan interaction. Would he be bothered? Would he rather you did?

Did he even remember you because the whole night was fuzzy for you after all the shots and beer you'd had.

You're still wondering what to do when your name is called out. It's a relief. Now you don't have to figure out what to do. You can just grab your coffee and go browse while your shift starts at that boring desk job you'd never thought you'd have.

As far as jobs go it wasn't too bad.

“Hey,” Harry says coming up to you, with none of the anxiety you'd had when you'd seen him walk in. “How have you been,” he asks, surprising you when he remembers your name.

“You know,” you shrug, “work school, wondering if making jewelry on etsy is a realistic career path? It can't be worse than getting an art history degree.”

He laughs, “that's cool. Can I ask why art history?” He's casual and relaxed and that takes the edge off for you.

You have to wonder if he does it often.

“Sounded better than straight art,” you explain. Art was what you wanted to do. It wasn't a surprise when your parents had regularly taken you to museums as a kid. It was a fun cheap way to spend the day together. You tell him all that, feeling like your babbling.

Harry's gaze holds yours, looking down at you with warm green eyes, listening and interested. “have you shown anything?”

You blush, proud as you tell him, “yeah. Small gallery and it was just one piece but it sold!” It had been a small painting you'd done on a broken plate. It had been part of a series you'd done for a class.

“That's really fucking cool,” he responds, “I’d love to see your art.”

Your cheeks heat up, under the praise. It's still surreal that's you'd sold anything at all. It was basically the same as being a real artist. “How about you?”

“Just working on writing,” he admits. “There's some music too but it's all still pretty rough.”

“Is writing lyrics or music harder?”

“It depends.” Harry says with a one shoulder shrug.

You snort. “That's such a shit answer. A complete cop out,” you tell him.

His eyes crinkle up as he laughs.

“Excuse me,” two girls ask, “can we get a picture?” One of them already has her phone in hand.

“Sure,” Harry says easily, already turning to them.

“Well it was nice seeing you again,” you tell him. You have to go to work and you don't want to be in the way and he probably has things to do.  

“Yeah,” he says, smiling softly, his eyes meeting yours as the girls go to stand on either side of him, ready for a selfie. “Can I text you later?”

You're already walking away, realizing your kind of running late. “Sure,” you wave of not bothering to turn around. Works not too far you'll probably make it on time.

You're drinking down the coffee. Fuck savoring it when you mentally facepalm. You didn't have each other's numbers. How was he supposed to text you!

Oh my god was he asking you for your number.

You feel like an idiot, groaning as you clock in, taking a seat at the desk you'll be at for the next six hours.

Your wrist itches again. It was crazy how bad it did and you force yourself not to scratch, not wanting to draw blood.

Instead you reach for the hand lotion in your bag, smothering it on. The soulmate business was annoying, you think.

In a city of millions how were you supposed to find them? again? You'd bumped into so many people on the tube alone.

You're fingers trace over the smudged letters. The skin around pink from irritation. They had started to clear up again which meant-

You groan.

Soulmate marks cleared up as you spent time around each other until the name was crystal clear. A sweet confirmation.

And the first letter was a hazy but understandable H.

You'd bumped into Harry at the concert and again today...it couldn't just be a coincidence. Could it?

Fuck.

And you didn't give him your number.

You feel like an even bigger idiot than before.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. If we returned to a world without internet, what aspect of online life would you miss the most? Wow, that would really, really suck, ha. For someone like me with no life and who spends a lot of time on the internet... yikes. Sounds sad, but it’s true. I would miss Tumblr and surveys and checking my social medias and looking up random stuff and shopping online. I mean, obviously I’d have to adapt and move on, and hey maybe something good would come from it, but yeah just imagining that sounds awful haha.  2. What food are you craving at the moment? I’m not hungry right now, but I am thinking about that pizza I had Monday haha. It was SO good. I could definitely go for another.  3. Are you craving anything aside from food, and if so, what? I wanna travel. Last week my dad flew out to visit family and I was so envious that he was getting to fly somewhere and get out of town/state for a few days. I’ve only flown a total of 2 times, which was over 10 years ago now. I’ve gone along to take and pick up people from the airport many times; though, and each time I always get the urge to fly somewhere. I get this butterfly type feeling each time I’ve gone to the airport and I just wanna gooooo.

4. Where was the last place you went and what did you do there? I went to the doctor yesterday for my monthly check up on something ongoing I’ve been dealing with. 5. What was the highlight and low point of your summer (or whatever season you happen to be taking this in)? The only good parts about this summer was the few times I went to the beach, my birthday weekend vacation, saw some good movies, and my aunt (whom I’m super close with) came and stayed with a for a few days last week and it was really fun. Otherwise, I despise summer, it’s hot and miserable. I dread it every year and I just look forward to it being over. 6. What was the last change you made to your lifestyle? Hmm. 7. What was the last thing you gave up doing? Uhhh. I feel like I’ve given up on a lot of things in the last few years. Myself most of all. 8. Do you deal well with criticism? Does it make a difference if it’s constructive? I mean, if someone wants to offer some helpful, useful advice that could be beneficial to me that’s cool. Just don’t be rude about it. If I’m doing something and there’s possibly a better way to do it, then suggest that in a way that doesn’t come off condescending or rude. I’m most critical on myself anyway. I will say; though, it does annoy me if someone keeps telling me something that I should do that I already know I should do. Don’t criticize me constantly for it. Don’t nag me.  9. What was the last thing to boost your self-esteem? What sort of things typically make you feel good about yourself? My self-esteem is shit, but I know it’d be nice to get my hair done finally. It’s been over a year and it looks so bad and I always like how my hair looks and feels after I get it done. Like, I’m still a mess but at least my hair would look nice. 10. When it comes to food, do you prefer crunchy or softer textures? I like some crunch, but not hard. Like the right amount of crunch and crispiness, ya know? Depending on what it is, of course. I like soft textures as well. I eat everything with sauce, dips, or olive oil because I can’t eat things dry. Like my sandwiches, for example, I put a lot of mayo and mustard, but I also dip it in olive oil. Or like I eat eggs with ranch, unless I have country gravy with them.  11. Do you prefer savory or sweet things for breakfast? I just eat scrambled eggs with spinach and cheese for breakfast, sometimes in the form of a breakfast burrito. Hash browns are a great bonus. I used to eat like cereal, pop tarts, toaster strudels, granola bars, oatmeal, and waffles, but now I can’t eat a lot of sweet stuff anymore. Plus, I just prefer to have eggs. There’s more substance and I get something good out of it like protein.  Honestly, I used to never even have breakfast at all, I just liked breakfast foods like I listed above. It’s only within the last year especially that I started to eat breakfast regularly. 12. When was the last time someone disappointed you? What about the last time you disappointed someone else? I’ve been very disappointed in myself for a long time. I feel like I’ve disappointed my family and former friends, too.  13. What is something you can’t seem to stop doing (or start)? I can’t seem to stop being a mess or start getting my shit together... 14. When was the last time you made a new friend? What about the last time you lost a friend? I haven’t made any friends in years. I lost all my friends over the past few years.  15. What was the last thing you were excited about? What about nervous? I was excited about having my aunt come and stay with us last week and for our beach trip last weekend. We had a really good time. As for nervous, this is a long story time so grab a snack and buckle up:

I was full on freaking out last Sunday, after having a great, relaxing time at the beach, because as we were turning the corner to our street, we got notifications on our phone from our security camera, which at almost 10 o’clock at night, was like wtf?? Before any of us had time to check it, we saw for ourselves the reason why it was going off: As we turned we saw firetrucks, smoke, and our neighbors all standing around outside, some of which were standing at our door, hence the security alerts going off. We saw our house and our neighbor’s house that we’re connected to engulfed in smoke. We had no idea what was going on, but our first and only thought and concern was our dog, who was in the house. I start literally crying and freaking out because like I said, we didn’t know what was going on, but what I described seeing as we turned the corner was terrifying and my only concern was my dog. My mom stops the car and she and my brother jump out and run up to our house. My brother comes back out running to the car with my dog, who was physically fine, THANK GOD, but very scared. She jumped in the back with me and I just held on to her the entire time while my mom, aunt, and brother went back to find out what the hell was going on. Turns out that our neighbor, whose house is connected to ours, was working on his car in the garage and his engine caught fire. Being that our houses are connected, the smoke came over to our side and filled up our garage. It was so bad that it was coming out the sides, which is why it looked like it was our house that had the fire. When my mom opened up the garage, she said the smoke was so thick that she couldn’t even see anything. It was crazy. The firefighters had to do a walkthrough of our house to make sure it was fine and checked for carbon monoxide and all that, and had to use their big blower thing to clear out the smoke in our garage. Our house was fine, we just had to open the windows up in our house and air it for awhile. The smell was strong; though, and the smoke was very irritating to my throat. OH, and the reason why our other neighbors were standing at our door was because they thought we were home asleep and they were trying to alert us of the fire. One girl even jumped our fence to bang on our backdoor. They were banging and yelling for awhile, apparently. My mom and I watched the video camera footage later and saw everything and omg it was so crazy. You can tell how scared and concerned they were. And the smoke was so bad at that point that they were coughing and covering their mouths, but they continued banging on our door and trying to yell out to alert us. D: It meant SO much that they cared and were genuinely concerned about us like that. We couldn’t stop thanking them. Ahh but anyway yeah, it was w i l d. And this was just a few days after there was another fire a few houses down from us. :O 16. What is something small that you take extremely personally? Hm. I don’t know. I’m a sensitive person, so. 17. What is your favorite thing about your favorite person? I don’t really have a favorite person. I love my family and I’m close to some more than others, but I don’t choose favorites like that. 18. What is something you wish other people knew about you? I don’t know. 19. What is something you wish others DIDN’T know? Uhhh. 20. When was the last time you comforted someone who was upset? When my aunt and I get together it always ends up turning into a therapy session between us. We stay up late and talk about everything and yeah, sometimes it gets pretty deep. Anyway, I was just lending an ear and letting her vent about some things.  21. What was going on the last time you couldn’t sleep? Every night I stay up and watch ASMR, Tumblr, and do surveys until I fall asleep. 22. What are your plans for the day ahead (or tomorrow if it’s late)? I don’t have any today, but tomorrow my mom and I are dropping off my brother and his friend at a concert. It’s out of town, so I wanted to tag along for the ride. 23. Do you tend to be more grumpy when you’re tired or when you’re hungry? Both. Like, I’m always tired, but when I first wake up you do not want to talk to me before I’ve had coffee and had time to wake up. I also get quite hangry. 24. When was the last time you yelled at someone? I don’t know. I yelled out to someone so they could hear me, but I don’t recall the last time I yelled at someone. 25. What types of things typically cause you to cry? Blah some days it’s like I’m on the verge of tears all day and any thing can set me off. Other times there’s a specific reason, other times it’s a combination or build up of things that lead to crying. There’s various reasons. I’m just a cry baby.  26. When was the last time someone else cried in your presence? It’s been awhile, actually.  27. What is one thing that would make your life a lot better? Better health.  28. What is something you are grateful to already have in your life? My family. 29. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? Leggings, graphic Ts, and Adidas. 30. What is one of your most positive characteristics? What about one of your most negative? Does it bother you when you see certain aspects of yourself in other people, or does it depend on the trait? I have a lot of negative traits. I’m struggling to think of something positive. I used to be someone who was there for others and willing to help anyway I could, but I haven’t been that way these past few years. I’ve become such a shitty person these past few years I feel like. :/

[juturnae]

I would hate you, but I’m not finished yet.

Reflecting and looking back, I can see where we both did wrong, but it’s also a lot on me and how I’ve reacted. I’ve had a bad breakup with an ex this past month. I started opening up to her about my depression and suicidal ideation. I also cheated on her. And despite the those things, we continued to date and see each other and be intimate. We even told each other “I love you” everyday. One night we got into a huge fight and I was feeling down. I was suffering from grief and over time I started to rely on her as my only pillar of emotional support. She even told me that she couldn’t be there for me all the time, and I still insisted. I forgot about my friends and family and I should have reached out to them instead. The next day she completely cuts me out and stonewalls me. It took my for a surprise because we were just so sweet on each other and had plans to hang out. I felt really betrayed, I felt like I was led on, and most of all I felt really hurt. And when you feel hurt you think about wanting to hurt the other person too. I wasn’t really thinking and said some mean things, and wasn’t getting any replies or reactions. I should have let it go and given her the time. Instead I tried to test her and tried talking to her in person. I went to her work to try and talk to her but she ignored me still. I felt so sick in the stomach and so overwhelmed with sadness and grief that I stabbed myself in the stomach to just end the pain. I think I wanted to see a reaction that showed that maybe she still cared for me. But she ran away from me. Next thing I know the police are taking me away to the hospital. I go inpatient for a week and a half, I’m cut off from the rest of the world. Then my boss comes in the psych ward to tell me that my ex is filing a restraining order on me and that she called the command to get a military protective order against me. I had no chance to defend myself or prepare for any of that. I just had to accept it. And it just hurt so fucking bad. I finally get out of inpatient but to step down treatment. I now have to go to an outpatient partial hospitalization program Monday-Friday for eight hours everyday for a month. I’m facing possible separation depending on the outcome of my treatment and what happens with everything else. On top of that I’m having to think about everything fucked up in my life and open up during my therapy and group sessions. Today I balled my fucking eyes out in front of a strangers I don’t even know and told them a story so horrible that I’ve been trying to forget and no longer want to relive. I’ve never told a soul because it hurts me so bad and it affects my self-consciousness and so many other things. I’m depressed everyday and it makes me think about killing myself when I dwell on it. But thinking of it I had no possible control of what happened and there’s no way I could have changed anything. I was drugged and raped by another man four years ago and it still haunts me to this day. I’m not able to function the way I want because of the trauma and how it hurts me. I’ve never told anyone because it makes me feel so fucking weak and less than what I am. It really, really, really fucking hurts me. I lie to people and tell them I’m okay, I put on a facade. I cheat on and sleep with multiple women. My feelings get hurt when people judge me to be gay, when I shouldn’t care at all. I can’t take compliments. It’s ruined me. I’ve never felt so vulnerable. And it sucks because I’ve hurt so many people and done so much fucked up shit because I don’t know how to cope with my trauma and problems. I’m sorry everyone.

[natkat-140]

World Mental Health Day

Today, October 10th, is World Mental Health Day. I thought it might be appropriate to share some things.

*This isn’t me trying to bitch about being sad. I’ve got a rad therapist for that :) I believe that transparency is important in destigmatization of mental health (and other) issues. Visibility and social acceptance will help to decrease the shame that people might feel, preventing them from reaching out for help.

**I’m also not trying to claim that this is “how depression and anxiety” are or how to treat either one. I’m simply sharing my own personal experiences and what has and has not worked for me.

I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for several years now, but I always managed to brush it aside as a mood or a phase or a funk - anything other than depression - that was transient and dismissable. I felt I didn’t have a good enough reason to be depressed - I have a good job, great friends, a loving family; I’m able-bodied, I’m of sound mind, I haven’t had any recent traumas or abuse or huge losses. I felt like my life was not bad enough to be depressed. I often feel like I am not enough. (I felt like I wasn’t enough for depression. Talk about inadequacy issues, hah!)

Fake-it-till-you-make-it behavior can be shitty or constructive depending on how it’s done. I found myself exhibiting a lot of shitty fake-it-till-you-make-it behavior before I was able to confront my mental health and admit that I was depressed. I only listened to fun pop music and I made sure my room had lots of bright colors and I only watched comedy TV and I carried glowsticks everywhere and I went out partying 3x per week and I did my very best to make people laugh and I made sure everyone knew that I was having fun and that I was happy because then maybe I could convince myself that I was having fun and that I was happy. I was pretending to be the person I wanted to be. Fake it till you make it. It was only a temporary fix, a band-aid, because of the fact that I hadn’t confronted the reason(s) why I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I could fake it till the cows came home, but I wouldn’t make it unless I accepted that I needed to do more than just faking it alone.

More like “FAKE-IT-TILL-YOU-are-able-to-identify-the-mental-illness-that-is-holding-you-hostage-and-then-take-steps-to-address-the-probably-deeply-rooted-issues-that-may-or-may-not-have-contributed-to-its-manifestation-and-work-on-managing-it-consistently-for-a-long-time-and-make-it-part-of-your-daily-life-to-take-better-care-of-yourself-and-don’t-beat-yourself-up-when-you’re-not-able-to-manage-it-that-well-but-always-try-to-get-back-on-that-goddamned-horse-so-that-you-can-fucking-MAKE-IT!”

You feel me?

This year, I got to a point where I couldn’t fake it to myself anymore. Even if I had fooled other people, I knew that I was kidding myself and that I couldn’t keep avoiding an obvious issue. I worked with my primary care physician (who, by the way, noticed early on in our patient-physician relationship that I was showing signs of depression and suggested I go to therapy like 3 years ago) and we decided that therapy had indeed become a very necessary treatment. I happened to have enough motivation that day to look up psychologists within my insurance network and research them individually to see if we’d be a good fit and I made a bunch of phone calls and left a bunch of messages and only ONE person called me back (BTW, WTF?) and he’s my therapist now and he’s amazing and I love going to therapy! And, good grief, did I NEED THERAPY.

So I magically got better after my first therapy session! Just kidding. I still felt like shit. I was still embarrassed and ashamed for feeling depressed when I had “no reason” to. I told my therapist about how I had been faking it, and that I knew I should stop doing that and that it was unhealthy. I was surprised when he suggested that I keep faking it. He said something like (paraphrasing) “For most people, motivation precedes action. When you’re depressed, sometimes you need to force the action to spark the motivation. You’ve acknowledged that your depression exists and you’re actively taking steps to manage it, you’re not being delusional, you’re not doing it to avoid a problem anymore. There is a healthy way to fake it.” 

So I did. I often forced myself to go out when all I wanted to do was stay in my bed under the covers, safe from the judgement and criticism that I was sure I would receive from the world. I took photos of myself being goofy and smiling so that I could look at them and … visualize myself being goofy and smiling, hah. I made myself go anywhere but home so that I wouldn’t get sucked into the island of isolation that is my bed. It helped, a lot. A few times, the actions still weren’t quite enough and the motivation never came out but the monsters did and they weren’t the kind of monsters I could run from so they nested in my head and they feasted on my confidence and my self-worth and my rationality and shit out self-doubt and self-loathing and fear and hopelessness.

So I would be forced to house the monsters, temporarily. Eventually they’d die. Since April, I’ve had probably five or six mini-episodes of highly depressive states.

The monsters re-spawn, apparently.

This happened as recently as this past weekend. I stayed in bed for three days straight, leaving it only for the restroom or to receive my Doordash delivery. I went four days without showering or changing my clothes or having significant human contact. I would go through cycles of being harshly critical of myself, over-analyzing how others thought of me, feeling insignificant and worthless, deciding to give up on being happy, and drowning in tears of self-pity until I fell asleep. Think, cry, repeat.

I was forced out of bed on Monday for an appointment with my physician (and I showered!). Thank fucking goodness. That same day I saw my therapist. Thank fucking goodness.

I had nothing to do yesterday so I slept until like 2:30pm and since I had no reason to do anything, I did nothing. At least, until I had to get dressed for a birthday party, so I got dressed. I had lots of reasons to NOT go to the party, and I wrote out multiple cancellation texts and I thought about how the monsters knew exactly where the party was and they had been there before and what if they came out again tonight and I kept looking at my fucking bed and wanting to climb into it and feel the comfort of my comforter and the pretend comfort of my body pillow but then I remembered that I could feel very real comfort from laughter and hugs and songs so I deleted the texts and I went. I cried first and I had to redo my fucking makeup but I did that and then I went.

I went to my favorite bar with some of my favorite people and did some of my favorite things, and I was elated. I laughed and I sang and I danced and I hugged and I laughed more, and I wasn’t faking it this time. I made it! I MADE IT!

 But guess the fuck what? I’m probably going to feel overwhelmingly anxious and depressed again real soon. I don’t want to, but realistically, yeah, it’s gonna happen. And guess the fuck also what? I’m gonna keep seeing my therapist and doing my gratitude exercises and catching my unhelpful thinking patterns and working through my negative automatic thoughts and breathing with my diaphragm in counts of four and two and six and

FAKING-IT-TILL-I-work-on-managing-my-depression-and-anxiety-consistently-for-a-long-time-and-make-it-part-of-my-daily-life-to-take-better-care-of-myself-and-I-won’t-beat-myself-up-when-I’m-not-able-to-manage-it-that-well-but-I-will-always-try-to-get-back-on-that-goddamned-horse-so-that-I-can-fucking-MAKE-IT!

...again.

[mcjour]

ahhhhhhhhh

ok so i’ve been applying all over for jobs which is such a horrible process. hate writing cover letters and filling in employment history and then having to talk to strangers and bla bla bla

SO

anyway i had TWO interviews this week!

the first one was for the district in the next town over. i didn’t apply to any jobs that i wouldn’t be happy at, but honestly it’s probably a last choice in the sense that it pays significantly less than anywhere else in the area. Just $15/hr. which isn’t the WORST i’ve seen, but still... not great.. at all...

but i went and interviewed with an assistant principal and she was very nice and made her schools seem really great! like i walked away being like ok i kinda wanna work here LOL. 

i think the interview went well overall. but... in retrospect there are definitely some questions i could’ve answered a lot better than i did. maybe some cringey answers. BUT also nothing i would consider BAD either, if that makes sense. Like certainly not the best job I could’ve done, but overall felt satisifed. I mean, I also need to be fair to myself that this was my first interview in years, and after (well, during) a freaking pandemic, and after leaving my last job in such a traumatic way. And like just anxiety in general! So like, yes I definitely could have done a lot better, but considering I left feeling satisfied, like I am proud of myself for how it went really. 

Plus, she seemed responsive and interested in what I was saying, which seems like a good sign? But like she totally just could’ve been a nice lady with a poker face LOL

Do I think I will get an offer??? Ehhhhhh..... I guess it depends on how many other applicants/ open positions. Like, I could see it going either way. I definitely didn’t bomb the interview, so I wouldn’t say an automatic no. But I could definitely imagine other people could have interviewed much better than I did. And if they were only looking to fill one position, well, I’m out. 

And so, like I said, since they pay the least amount of money, like, I wouldn’t be super hurt if I didn’t get the offer. Like I hope to get a better position so like I’m hoping I wouldn’t end up there anyway! But, if I did get the offer, maybe I’d take it....

Anyway, the interview was Monday and she did say they were aiming for this week ~either way~ and now tomorrow (today) is Friday, so I wonder if I will hear back (either way) today

My second interview...... 

So after my first interview, I made sure to practice extra hard. I mean, I did practice for the first interview a lot too (meaning coming up with different stories/ scenarios for frequently asked questions), but after that one I was like “oh I could’ve said something better for that question” sort of a thing.

So I had all these great stories lined up and ready to go and I was so ready to use them and make me sound great

But.... she didn’t ask any questions like that!!!!!!! 

They were really such flat questions like “what do you do if 8 students need your help?” “you might be pulled to sub is that ok?” like HUH????????????

How am I supposed to make myself sound good with questions like that LMAOOOOOO

(and... how is she supposed to make a decision with questions like that LOL)

But honestly, I did do a good job, I think. Like I think I gave solid answers to every question, don’t think I said anything too cringey or anything. The pulled to sub question could easily have been a flop if I was just like “yeah” (LOL) but I told a story about how my partner teacher would disappear and i would take over the class on the fly. that kind of a thing. was proud of that.

so i walked out feeling pretty confident.

okay plus she started interviews on wednesday (mine was that day). she said she had two more the following day (which made it seem like mine was the last of the day). and then would hope to get back to people on friday. (AHHHHH! I FIND OUT TOMORROW/ TODAY).

and so i was kinda doing the math where i was like okay... my interview was at 1:30pm... she couldn’t have had TOO many before me....  she must’ve allowed herself a lunch break at some point, and when i got to the school she was finishing up a completely unrelated math meeting online. so she must’ve not just been doing interviews that whole time. i wanna say maybe max 6 other interviews that day if she started around 9, went to 12, one every half hour. but i am doubting that she packed them in like that, like i said. but that would make 9 applicants MAX, probably less. And she said there were 3 open positions across both her schools. and she asked if i wanted to be considered for both schools. So that gives me a 1 in 3 chance (or better depending on the actual number of applicants! maybe 1 in 2 chance lol. or if any of the applicants did not want to be considered for both jobs, but one vs the other). so i was feeling pretty good!!!! like decent ratio and a good interview things are looking good! (i mean you hear about jobs that get hundreds of applicants for a single position! these odds are p good!)

BUT still like i wish she asked me different questions. i don’t feel like i fully really expressed who i am to her. like if she had asked me more than i would’ve felt more confident that she would have seen more of my strengths and stuff. like i said, the questions she did ask were kinda flat, and while i think i answered them well, i wasn’t given a lot to work with. that said, i assume she asked the same questions to everyone, so i assume everyone else kinda had that issue, so idk how she is making a decision based off that!

especially given this: i gave her a copy of my resume and she said she really appreciated that because the website the district uses for the applications like is hard to use or messes things up or somehting. which, okay. that worries me a little bit... because i hope she can access my cover letter, my references, etc... because those add a LOT to the picture. like LMAO if she went off of my interview and resume alone...well...ew. i really hope she logs back in and reviews the WHOLE application.

So i’m kinda thinking ewwwwww maybe there was more I could’ve done somehow idk

LOL maybe print out my entire packet HAHA

jk would that have been weird? I would’ve felt weird. but maybe she would’ve liked that haha

the first interview lady actually had all of my stuff printed for the interview (i offered her a resume copy and she’s like oh i actually printed it myself and she had like this thick packet of ALL the stuff)

idk i really loved this school. like on paper it seemed perfect for many reasons, and then when i spoke to the principal it still seemed great, maybe even better than i thought. so like UGH this is my dream school. i want this job so bad! but like, i’m afraid to allow myself to get excited about it. like ... i don’t want to be disappointed. also like just in general there is no need for me to romanticize a JOB 

okay right after the interview i felt so confident like omg yes i am so excited and i am going to get this job!!!! but now the next day i am like... ugh... no way will i get this job... i never get anything i want, so the rejection is inevitable... like... can there really be no healthy middle thinking for me jfc. 

i will say there was one red flag in that i was like oh it seems like you have a very tight knit community here and shes like oh yes we are like a family! and like !!!! those are some red flag words honey!!!!! don’t say that. but like.... idk how to describe it. it felt genuine and not exploity? not that you can tell that from an interview. but like it seems like everyone has been working there forever and loves it kind of a thing. i mean, if i get the job, i won’t let my guard down on that shit. but it’s not concerning enough to stop me either.

one thing i am a LITTLE worried about is that idk when this lady planned on checking references (if at all). like did she do that thursday or is she planning on friday? because part of me secetly hoped that she would call my references today and they would’ve texted me being like omg! but they didn’t. and so that is kinda like “...oh.” But like i said, she very well could be calling tomorrow. ALSO worth considering is that two of my 3 references actually uploaded letters into the system. So she really doesn’t even ~need~ to call them unless she had specific questions (or wanted to talk to the 3rd reference LOL). so like... i really do not need to be stressing out about this specific thing at all... and yet....

also.... ugh... there are stuff that are just about me that i worry about. like ok, i am visibly queer with a shaved head. while i’d hope that an interviewer would not be prejudiced.... they easily could be. there really aren’t enough queer people in education, it’s a very homogenous field of straight, often wealthy, white women. i do have white privilege but otherwise i really don’t fit the image, so idk. also one of my references did use they/them pronouns in their reference letter and i feel like that could be a huge red flag to someone. granted i suppose i wouldn’t want to work for someone like that, and i also don’t care enough to asks my friend to misgender me, but still, it’s something i wonder about. another thing is that i talk with my hands a lot, and i am sure i did even more given that i was nervous......... i don’t think that is an issue necessarily but i was definitely self conscious about it like geez i hope i wasn’t waving my hands out of control LOL. and then another thing is that i HATE eye contact, like i just can’t do it. And I think I did a great job of holding eye contact, all things considered. but I definitely did look away a bit, particularly when i was thinking. I think it was fine and not an unreasonable amount of looking away, but now i am getting paranoid like oops maybe i looked away too much or something!!! i mean, i would hate if a job offer came down to something trivial like that, but... idk

another thing i wonder is the other applicants. like i said before.. it doesn’t really matter if i am a great applicant, it doesn’t guarantee anything if there was someone even slightly better. doesn’t mean i suck or anything. of course, that still wouldn’t take the sting off. ANYWAY the part i wonder most about though is where are these other people applying? by that i mean like what if my first choice school is actually someone else’s last choice school? do the other applicants also have other interviews and offers to weigh? So like, what if she offers someone a job but they are like sorry no thanks (for whatever reason, whether they accepted another position elsewhere, saw a red flag in the interview, or whatever it may be). like what if i was 4th choice for the 3 positions or something. would the job go to me?? when would i find this out? like, it’s weird to state that you will find out friday ~either way~ when i feel like you would need some time for the other people to accept (god forbid the call goes to voicemail even!). like i feel like most jobs wouldn’t be like “you’re waitlisted” LOL (i will say i did get a job off a waitlist once so i know it’s possible, but that doesn’t seem likely here LOL). maybe she didn’t say friday either way, and just ~friday~. maybe friday is for acceptances and flat out rejections and if you don’t hear friday you’re waitlisted LOL. or maybe she said she would make the decision fridayy but that doesn’t mean she’s actually reaching out friday? (ok i doubt she said that LOL)

plus are we talking like oh first thing friday she’s making the calls or is she gonna pull at 4:59pm thing like a lot of places do LOL. I don’t think that makes sense but maybe? I mean, when she offered me an interview, the time stamp on the email said like 8:39am or some shit, so i think this lady is on the ball in the mornings. but like i said, maybe she is still tying it all together friday morning, after all, she is moving through this very fast. 

hopefully i hear good news today but i guess we will just  wait and see.

if it’s only bad/no news, there are still some schools i haven’t heard from, and some more i can apply to. i just want to wrap this process up sooner rather than later.

lastly, i need to remember if worst comes to worse, i could always apply to my old school (meaning the one i worked at before, not the one i attended lol. although i guess i could also apply there, i just don’t like the position they have open right now). i am pretty dang sure they would take me (they always need somebody!) plus i know the ropes, know i would be happy and fit in there (not to mention my friends are there LOL). i hope it doesn’t come to that, after all the pay SUCKS lol. but it’s not world ending if i don’t get the jobs.

[walkmeblowbyblow]

Some Kind of Love [Jack Lowden fic]

Summary: “I can’t do this alone.”

Warnings: Pregnancy scare; mentions of sex and depression; all kinds of adult fears, really

Word count: ~3,500

Disclaimer: None of this really happened.

A/N: Probably not the most cheerful fic I’ve written, but sometimes you’ve just gotta angst.

(x)

Other fics of mine w/ this pairing:

The Kind of Trouble that You Enjoy pt. I // pt. II

Thawing

First-footing

Eilidh may have been a tad too optimistic when she thought that this year was off on a good start.

There’s been talk at work – apparently they’re letting people go. It’s all very hush-hush; officially they’re calling it restructuring. Either way, Eilidh quickly notices that it’s the youngest staff that’s being axed.

And one morning sees Eilidh sitting in the HR office. The woman sitting opposite her is the same one who interviewed her for this job two years ago. Eilidh sits there with her knee jittering and her palms sweating, pinned under the woman’s stare.

“We can only extend your contract for the next three months, Eilidh. After that, we’ll have to reconsider your position in the company. We may do away with it completely.”

“O-okay?” Eilidh says quietly. “So… what happens to me?”

The HR person draws a deep breath, avoids her eyes. “That’s still very much up in the air, I’m afraid. That’s all we can say for the time being. But it would probably be for the best if you started preparing for a life after this company.”

Right. That’s it then.

Eilidh shuffles out of the office, her legs like lead and her head filled with white noise.

That’s how the rest of her day passes. She only texts Rebecca once she’s in the safety of her flat, because putting her situation into words will bring her to tears.

After Rebecca, it’s Jack’s turn. She types the message with a tear-blurred vision, teardrop or two splashing against the phone screen.

Their answers arrive simultaneously. She reads Rebecca’s first.

“Aw shit. I’m so sorry Eilidh.”

Jack’s message is pretty much the same, but with an added question: “What are you going to do?”

That’s the thing, isn’t it?

“Find another job. What else can I do?”

But it will be much more easily said than done.

* * *

Three months later, when her lay-off day rolls in, Eilidh is still in the same predicament; none of her job applications have led to anything apart from a couple of interviews. On the first day of her unemployment, Eilidh knows she should be doing something productive. She wakes up late, makes a cup of tea – and waits. For what? She doesn’t even know.

She should be sending out more applications; unemployment is not an option. She knows that well enough, even without being told that time after time by her parents, her friends, and, well, pretty much everyone. What sustains her through that week is Jack coming over for a visit over the weekend.

She goes to meet him at the train station. He embraces her on the platform, and she feels much more of a person again.

“So how’s job hunting?” Jack asks her when they’re having brunch at a café.

“Oh, you know,” she says, shrugging dismissively and stirring a cup of tea. “Honestly? It’s shite. Total shite.”

Jack gives a compassionate chortle. “Yeah, I can imagine. How’s your finances, by the way?”

“What do you mean?”

“Have you got enough money to live on?”

“Yeah,” Eilidh says. “Well, my shitty landlord just upped my rent, but I’ll manage. I’ve got savings.”

“For how long?”

She doesn’t immediately answer, preferring to busy herself with prodding the teabag in the teacup.

“I’ll help you out if you need it,” Jack says.

“No. I don’t want that,” Eilidh answers firmly.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to be financially dependent on you.��

“But what else are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” she snaps. “Apply for benefits, I guess, like normal people do.”

“No need to bite my head off,” Jack says. “I was just trying to help.”

“I know. It’s just…” she sighs. “This sucks.”

“So are you going to let me help you or not?”

She gives a reluctant shake of her head. “No. I’ll manage.”

Sighing, Jack sits back in his chair. “All right.” His tone is neutral; he isn’t going to press the issue.

They drop the subject for the rest of the weekend, only discussing it when she invites it into discussion. And the weekend is as lovely as ever – even more so, in a way, since she knows she won’t have to go back to work and reality on Monday. Those Monday mornings were always the worst – like climbing out of a plane wreck.

Eilidh allows herself to enjoy these idle moments with Jack, when they’re out on a walk, or cooking dinner, or draped across the sofa, their limbs entwined. It doesn’t detract from the sex either. She almost expected it to, seeing as she’s been feeling under the weather for so many weeks now, but she finds it impossible to be sad in Jack’s company.

Not only that.

By now, Jack has become so skilled with her that she can’t help but enjoy it; her orgasm is a near-guaranteed event.

And when they’re snuggled up afterwards, be it on the sofa or in bed, she loves breathing in the scent of his old t-shirt, loves to comb his tousled blond hair with her fingers, loves to hear about his life – though this time it’s accompanied by a prickle of envy: why do some people have their life together while others don’t?

Jack is both filming and considering his next project.

“I might have to go to Europe to film that one, though,” he tells her.

“You should go. I know you want to,” she replies.

“You think so?” Jack asks.

“I would definitely go if I were you.”

“It’s two months.”

She gives a laugh. “That’s like, no time at all.”

Jack turns to her, though they’re so close that he can’t see her properly.

“You want me to go?”

“Yeah.”

“You won’t get lonely?”

She gives another laugh. “No. Why would I?”

But she knows that Jack is actually referring to her frail state of mind.

“I’ll be fine,” she says firmly. “Just because I’m unemployed doesn’t mean…”

“All right, all right,” Jack says, patting her thigh. “I’ll go if you want to get rid of me so badly.”

“Good,” she replies, grinning.

“And you’ll promise me to take care of yourself, yeah?” Jack mutters into her hair.

“Mmm.”

“Good girl.”

* * *

Unfortunately, Eilidh comes to find that she can’t keep that promise. Spring gives way to summer, and Eilidh has felt like a waste of space for a very long time, spending days doing nothing productive, being on benefit, getting rejected time and time again. It’s been weeks since she last applied for a job. The steady stream of rejections has worn her down, and the simple task of googling jobs is enough to send her into an anxiety attack.

She has had less contact with Jack than normally; occasionally she wonders if Jack is deliberately steering clear of her. They’ve never had a proper argument before, but they were pretty damn close that time when Jack offered to support her. Perhaps she’s wounded his pride? Or perhaps she’s just reading too much into things and Jack is actually just busy?

The worst part is, she can’t shake the feeling that Jack could do so much better than her. Generally, she believes that all women are too good for men, but her self-confidence has taken so many blows recently that she finds it insurmountable to believe in her own worth.

She’s looking forward to Jack finishing his current film and getting some time off – to spend their first summer together – but there’s a nagging voice in the back of her mind telling her not to expect anything.

At least she’s still got her friends.

Her friends understand, to an extent. On the first warm day of the spring, they’re out having a picnic, and it’s the first time her friends don’t even bother asking Eilidh about her situation. She prefers it that way.

Though Eilidh wishes she’d told her friends not to ask her about Jack either.

“So how’s Jack been doing?” Rebecca says when they’re lounging in the sun and eating.

“Oh, he’ll be ready with another film soon,” Eilidh tells her.

“Do you know if he’s coming here in the summer?”

“I hope so,” Eilidh answers.

“Got any plans for the summer?” Rebecca says.

“Me? Hah! If only. Thanks for buying me all this food,” she says to Rebecca, stuffing yet another garlic bread into her mouth.

“Hah, no problem,” Rebecca says.

“I feel like all I do these days is eat.”

“Maybe you’re just hungry, you know?”

“Even though I’m not doing anything?” Eilidh says.

“Nothing wrong with eating, love.”

“Oh shit.”

Rebecca looks up at her, frowning. “What is it?”

“No, it’s just…” Eilidh begins, her pulse suddenly quick and erratic. “Shit.”

“You’re spooking me, Eilidh. What is it?”

She collapses on her back on the blanket. Their friends are out on the lawn, but she still lowers her voice.

“Guess whose period is late?”

“No way, Eilidh,” Rebecca says.

“Yeah.”

“How late are you?”

“Well…” She does some quick arithmetic, her gut sinking. “I was due… two weeks after we last met with Jack, but… it’s been over a month.”

Rebecca says gingerly, “And you’ve been… safe all this time?”

“Yeah.”

They could’ve been safer if she went on the pill, but seeing as she only meets Jack once a month or so it hasn’t seemed worth it. She’s heard all the horror stories: Tamsin telling her that she’d never been as depressed in her life as when she was on the pill.

“Okay, Eilidh, you know what we’re going to do, right? We’re going to go to the pharmacy and buy you a pregnancy test. Then you’re going to go home and do it tonight,” Rebecca says. “Eilidh?”

“Yeah, sure,” she replies, her voice coming from somewhere outside her body.

Great, this is exactly what she needed: a trip to a clinic where they’ll take the fetus out of her.

She suddenly feels cold, even though the sun is shining down on them; she’s started to tremble. The tears come unbidden.

“Eilidh…”

Rebecca helps her up, embraces her.

“It’ll be all right.”

“How d’you know?” Eilidh asks defiantly through her sobs.

“Because we’ll be there to help you.”

But who ‘we’? She’s not going to tell Jack, is she?

Of course she is. But is it right to inform him now that he’s trapped down in London and she’s up in Edinburgh, making decisions about life and death on her own? She would hate being in Jack’s shoes. It’d be kinder not to let him know.

But Jack has to shoulder half the responsibility; Eilidh didn’t knock herself up, after all.

When nobody’s paying particular attention to her, she takes her phone and messages Jack.

“I didn’t want to bother you with this, but jsyk i’m late.”

It occurs to her as soon as she’s sent the message that it probably doesn’t mean much to Jack.

“Late?”

“My period is late. i’ll call you later.”

She doesn't wait for his reply; she can’t bring herself to.

Once the food in their bellies has settled, she and Rebecca join the others in a game of croquet. They stay in the park till sunset and pack up when the evening grows chilly. As they take their leave, Rebecca gives Eilidh’s hand a squeeze.

As if Eilidh could forget.

“Wanna walk home with me, Rebecca?” she asks, her tone meaningful.

Rebecca catches it. “Yeah, sure.”

And as soon as they part company with the rest of their friends, they head to the nearest pharmacy.

“Keep talking to me,” Eilidh mutters to Rebecca as they enter. “I don’t want the staff to come and ask me questions.”

“Okay.”

Eilidh quickly makes her purchase. Of course, the staff has no way of knowing whether pregnancy is something Eilidh has wished for or not, but she feels mortified as she stands there, paying for the kit.

“Well done,” Rebecca says as they leave the pharmacy. “Do you think you’ll manage now?”

“Um…” Eilidh hesitates. “Could you… I don’t really feel like being alone when…”

Rebecca’s face softens with compassion.

“Of course.”

And so they set off to Eilidh’s place together.

* * *

She’s left the pregnancy kit sitting on the bathroom sink. They’re killing time by unpacking the picnic basket. Rebecca is sorting through the leftover food while Eilidh washes the dishes.

The sun has set outside, its smell still lingering on Eilidh’s skin and hair. So unfair that she couldn’t properly enjoy a day like this. So unfair that she probably won’t be able to enjoy the coming summer at all, if the test turns out positive. Eilidh can’t help but wonder how easy it would be for her to take this as a sign – maybe she’s not meant to work anymore? Maybe she’s meant to settle down with Jack and become a mother and a housewife?

She feels a lump in her throat and tries to swallow it.

No. That’s ridiculous. None of this was supposed to happen.

“How many minutes has it been?” she asks.

“Must be over five now.”

“Okay,” Eilidh says breathlessly, and strides back to the bathroom, feeling separate from her body.

With a lurch in her stomach, she grabs the kit and forces herself to look at it.

“God!” she yelps.

“What is it?” Rebecca calls, racing over.

“False alarm,” Eilidh tells her.

“Oh, thank God!”

She flings her arms around Eilidh.

“See, it was nothing to worry about.”

“Mmm. I better call Jack,” she says.

“Yeah. I think I’ll best be off then, it’s getting late,” Rebecca says, withdrawing from the hug. “Take care, okay?”

Eilidh nods. She can’t describe how grateful she is to Rebecca.

It’s a few minutes past midnight when she taps Jack’s name on her phone. It rings a couple of times before he answers, and she imagines the phone vibrating on Jack’s bed, his hand urgently grabbing it.

“Aye?”

Her throat has gone dry. “It was a false alarm.”

There’s a long exhalation on the other end. “Right. Well… Glad that’s cleared up. You all right, Eilidh?”

She shrugs, though that doesn’t do much good.

“I am now.” Then she adds, “Or maybe I’m not.”

“Oh?”

“I think it’s stress that caused it. I just… I feel so… tired.”

Her eyes have begun to prickle. She can’t let the tears into her voice; she mustn't upset Jack.

Such bullshit, all of this.

“Why’s that, love?” Jack asks, worried.

“It’s just… all this.”

There’s a brief silence.

“Would you mind if I came over next weekend?” he says.

“Mind? Of course not,” she replies, bewildered by the suggestion.

“I’ll be over then. I’m worried about you, Eilidh. Take care of yourself, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They say goodnight, and somehow, when Eilidh lowers her phone, she doesn't feel any better than she did before the call. Perhaps it’s the weight of the night that’s settled on her, but, sitting alone in her flat, her head fills with desolate thoughts.

Jack will leave her soon. She knows that much.

She hugs her knees. The smell of sunshine has rubbed off her skin, along with the memories of tonight – all the laughter and Rebecca’s words of comfort. Eilidh has always been this alone and always will be.

That night, when she finally falls asleep, she dreams about the child. It’s a girl, though you couldn’t tell by the way she’s dressed. Eilidh just knows.

The girl is tottering about on the lawn, in the same park that Eilidh and her friends were that day. Somebody kicks a football in her direction, and she goes running after it. The ball reaches all the way up to her pudgy knees. Her hair is pale blond, so much so that it looks like a halo when sunlight touches it.

Eilidh hears Jack’s voice calling after the toddler – and that is when Eilidh wakes, finds herself in her bed and remembers – there is no child.

* * *

The following days, her communication with Jack is business-like and brief. It helps that Jack is doing 14-hour days on set without his phone. At most, they wish each other goodnight and she asks him about his day – though seeing as he isn’t allowed to talk about whatever happens on set, that topic is quickly sapped too. And anytime he tries to ask her about her day, she shuts down. It’s not like she ever lived the most exciting of lives, especially compared to Jack, but these days she feels like an utter failure.

Several times a day, an uncomfortable idea strikes her – that perhaps she should just have Jack’s children and become a housewife, seeing as she’s unemployable and just a few months short of thirty?

But it’s a ridiculous idea and luckily very easy to dismiss.

* * *

It’s on Thursday that she hears from Jack again.

“I got a day off. Mind if I drop by tonight?”

Her heart gives a feeble extra beat.

“Of course not.”

She doesn’t fail to remark on the word choice: drop by. That means that he’s going to come over and tell her that he’s had a change of heart; that this isn’t working out; that it’s not her, it’s him, even though it isn’t him who’s wound up unemployed and had a pregnancy scare.

Eilidh’s stomach is in knots all day, but perhaps it’s better that Jack’s visit will be so sudden; she won’t have too much time to fret over it. She busies herself with tidying up her flat (which has got surprisingly messy). She takes a warm shower, making an effort to dress nicely – in this instance, to wear something else than her old yoga pants.

Around seven, the doorbell finally rings.

She doesn’t feel up for this, she is not ready to disappoint Jack and to hear him tell her that this is not going to work – but what choice has she got? Best to just get it over with.

He’s even more handsome than she recalls – and the sight of him is the final straw.

“Hey,” she manages, along with a glance in his eyes, before she breaks down in tears.

“Eilidh, love…”

Jack catches her, pulling her to him.

“Shh… it’s all right,” he tells her over her sobs.

“I’m sorry,” she blubbers against his chest. Well, there goes the rest of her dignity.

“Shh, no need to apologise,” Jack reassures her, and walks her into the flat.

They stay there for a minute or two, wrapped in one another, until she has to go and get a tissue. She feels vaguely better once she’s blown her nose and dabbed her face.

“I didn’t want you to see me like this,” she admits.

“What d’you mean, like this? You’re the same Eilidh as always,” Jack says.

She gives a weak laugh. “Am I?”

“‘Course you are. You’re my Eilidh,” he says, and closes the distance between them, caresses her cheek.

“I can’t go on like this,” Eilidh says in a small voice, and when she looks up at Jack, she sees the gravity of the situation sinking in.

“Is it that bad?”

“Yeah.”

For a moment, Jack mulls this over.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realise. Was it the – pregnancy thing?”

“No. That was just a symptom.”

“I’m glad you told me.”

“Were you scared shitless?”

Jack lets out a laugh. “Scared, yeah. Scared shitless? Nah. Just… surprised, that’s all. But you’re all right now, yeah?”

“You mean if I’ve got my period? Yeah, I have,” Eilidh says, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. “It must’ve been the stress. And anxiety.”

Jack fixes her with a concerned stare. She waits for her voice to steady. Then she says, “I’ve thought about seeing a therapist. Just a couple of times. I’ve actually booked the first counselling session for next week.”

“But that’s good,” Jack says, slowly taking in the weight of her words. “It’ll do you good.”

He kisses her temple, comforting, protective.

“I just… didn’t realise it was this bad.”

With a note of amused self-deprecation, Eilidh says, “Yeah. Apparently everything I touch turns to shite.”

Jack bursts out laughing. “I haven’t turned to shite yet though, have I?”

She pulls away, giving him an appraising look. “Mmm, I don’t know, man…”

Jack ruffles her hair. “You wee little devil.”

She swats his hand away playfully, and Jack ends up chasing her around the flat while she laughs and squeals. He grabs her by the waist and hoists her up in his arms, planting a fierce kiss on her cheek.

“So good to see you laugh, love.”

He lowers her down. She says nothing; merely takes in the feel of Jack’s arms around her.

“I can’t do this alone,” she mumbles, clinging on to him, his firm, reliable frame. “I need you, Jack.”

“No. You’re strong, Eilidh. You absolutely can,” Jack whispers back. “But you don’t have to.”

This time, she finally allows herself to believe in it.