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miki-snake · 4 years ago

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One Reason

📖: It was hard to find a reason good enough for you to stay, when the only reasons can be seen in the past. What about the future though?

⭕️: angst to fluff (promise); model!akaashi

🔍: 5k+

“Akaashi Keiji was once again seen with the rising model Shina Mokata. The two went to grab a coffee and some eyewitnesses claim that they seemed pretty cozy with each other. But it is known to the public that Akaashi has a girlfriend for two and a half years now, they apparently met in highschool. Still, his fans say that for the past months the two of them hadn’t been seen together. ”, the news were playing on the huge TV that was hung on the wall of Akaashi’s living room. You were currently in his apartment waiting for him to come back from his shooting and wanted to start preparing your dinner. You always left the TV on so the flat wasn’t as silent and normally you just blend out what they talk about on the shows. Though today they got your attention. A picture of Akaashi sitting next to a gorgeous woman with his arm behind her neck adorned the screen of his full HD flatscreen. That’s not the first picture of Akaashi with other women and you already knew that it won’t be the last. He was a professional model so it was only natural that he was surrounded by beautiful people all of the time and in most cases women . It wasn’t rare that the PR people would come up with a new story he and his model partner had to portrait. Seeing him with a girl model or generally another celebrity would boost his popularity and also the campaign that he would be working on. Some might argue that it’s a wrong way to get attention, but that’s show biz they would always answer.

You and Akaashi knew each other since the first year in highschool and you two started dating in the senior year, which has been nearly three years ago. You went to college and studied english literature, whereas Keiji got scouted right before college. His career was skyrocketing right from the beginning, his handsome face plastered on so many walls around the city.

You were nothing but proud of him that he got so far, even without any experience or extra contacts beforehand. Soon he was known all around Japan and right now it’s starting to spread overseas.

You couldn’t blame those people because you too, could never get enough of his pretty sight.

But for the past months the sight of him became less and less, until you only saw him in the magazines or the gossip channels. He was busy with an upcoming project that would eventually lead to him traveling over to America for quite some time. The thought of him so far away already made your chest feel tight. Sure, he went out of town for some days or even weeks for some of his shootings, but never was he outside of Japan and especially not for as long as six months. It scared you to be honest, him leaving you behind, while he was doing god knows what in America.

Akaashi has been nothing but a reliable, loyal and supporting boyfriend and you are so grateful for him. You wanted to support him too, with everything he did and wherever he went. You knew that he wouldn’t cheat on you, he would talk to you first before something like that could happen, at least you thought so.

Still, it wasn’t easy to shut off all of those negative thoughts, especially when he was always shipped with other women through his fanbase. Fans, especially girls, can be really cruel if they wanted. It’s like they wanted to control not only Akaashi’s but also your life, constantly writing about how you should do this or dress like that to please Akaashi.

It couldn’t get into your head that those people think that they know him the best. You were there when no one knew about him!

Akaashi knew how much his fans and all those rumours affected you and he always tried to reassure you that you were the only one and you believed him, no, you wanted to believe him. The gossip and fake facts took a toll on you and it was already a reason why you two nearly broke up. Never would you ever want him to give up his career or slow things down because of you. He loved his job and was pleased with how things are going, but you didn’t know how much you could handle.

With him going overseas soon, after you two already seem to drift apart, makes it hard to believe that it could be something that would last.

Oh, how you wished that it would last. You desperately held on to the hope that there is something, just one one single reason that you and him would go through that hard time together. He did ask you if you wanted to go with him, but you were still in college and close to graduating, so it wouldn’t be a good idea. He didn’t want you to give up on your dreams and so you didn’t want him to give up on his dreams.

You didn’t want to give up on you two.

“Some comments on the last picture of Akaashi and Shina were for example:

“It would only be a matter of time until Akaashi would be together with our queen Shina😇”

“It’s so obv that he and her are dating, he already dumped his no name girlfriend🙄”

“Akaashi did seem happy with his girlfriend but then it started to become less until Shina came around and he started to smile again…”

There is no information that Akaashi and his girlfriend really broke up and he refuses to talk about his relationship with her. Instead, he did compliment Shina multiple times during the last interviews, showing his admiration for her. Is this a sign for an upcoming break up or maybe that something already ended? Subscribe to our…”

The sound of the TV was drowned out by your thundering thoughts. When did your relationship deteriorate into something that would only cause you worry, instead of casting a smile upon your lips. You tried to remind yourself of the happy times you and him shared with each other. How the feeling was when he held you in his arms or when his lips would touch yours in a searing kiss. But those moments were stored in the darkest corner of your mind, never forgotten but still nearly gone. You couldn’t really recall his touch, only the feeling of when you woke up alone again or how you've waited hours on hours for him to come home so you two could eat together. Just like today you would wait for him, preparing the meal and then just lounging around in the living room. Maybe he would text you that he would come late again or maybe you just didn’t hear from him at all. You always tried to stay up for him but most of the time it would end up in you falling asleep on the couch in an uncomfortable position, but who cares because you already have been like that for hours.

You just don’t want to believe that this was over. It couldn’t be…

Before you knew it you felt your cheeks dampening, tear after tear rolled down your face and you were sure that if you’d look in the mirror right now you’d feel even more pathetic.

You got dark circles under your eyes and it felt like you were constantly frowning. You just wanted to go back in time, go back to when no one knew him except you and his high school friends. You knew that it was selfish to only think about it, but somewhere in you, you just wished he was never scouted. Either that or you wished that you didn’t fall for him as deep as you did. You shouldn’t wish for that because the time with him was also the happiest you’ve been. He’s not only security or home, in your heart he has always been your future and feeling him slipping away from you felt like losing your own future.

Maybe you were a bit over dramatic and you knew that fights and breakups are just part of the risk you’d take for giving your heart away. It wasn’t like he was your first boyfriend, you went through some breakups already, but this time felt different. It didn’t feel like something you wanted to do but more like it was forced on you. Even though it was your choice to go if you wanted to it felt like it wasn’t you who’d make the decision.

You and him already talked things over and over, right at the beginning of his career.

You knew what kind of a ride it was going to be and you assured him that you would stay by his side no matter what.

Right now though, you just didn’t see the point anymore. You were sitting on the couch, but your knees still ached like they just wanted to give in from all the pressure and your throat constricted, cutting the air thin for you to breathe. You felt like you lost yourself somewhere in your mind and you just yearned for an anchor to get you back. Wandering around your thoughts you desperately searched for a reason to not escape from the pain you’re putting yourself through. You saw many beautiful memories of you two and occasionally one or two arguments but they were never so grave. Those memories were deep inside you and you held onto them like crazy.

Were those memories reason enough for you to stay though? How could the past be the one reason when you couldn’t see a future?

However you didn’t want to stop searching, stop trying… you somehow just didn’t want to give up, even if it hurts.

You try to tell that yourself over and over… but you can't help it.

How much more should you break before you’re completely falling apart?

You just wished for him to notice, for him to see how much you’ve put on the line. Maybe when he would just take a closer look he could help you out of your pit. Maybe if he would just come home sooner then he might see how much you’re hurting.

The heavy sound of the front door falling close ripped you out of your sea of thoughts. Lucky, because you felt like nearly drowning.

You didn’t look, no, you couldn’t look at him. You heard him slipping out of his shoes, dropping his bag and his light steps carried him through the room, straight to you.

His steps ceased to a halt next to the couch you were currently sitting on. You knew that you must be in a miserable state, head dropped into the hands with your legs placed close to your chest, cowering in your seat. He might be sick of that sight but honestly, so were you. You loved him with every fiber of your being but the lack of his attention, the comments in the media and your own crucial thoughts broke you. Slowly they did, but still they did.

“What happened?”, he asked you in his usual lightly monotone voice and you couldn’t hear it anymore. You were sick of not knowing how he felt, sick of feeling like being the only one who cares, sick of searching for a reason that might not even exist.

“Tell me Akaashi... “, your voice broke and it was so hard for you to get the words out of your mouth. You could hear how he stepped closer to you, probably surprised by the fact that you called him by his last name. It was never Akaashi, always Keiji, Kei, honey or every other nickname you found adorable enough to use for him. Well, maybe he didn’t notice.

But he did. Akaashi has always been a perceptive person and he already knew that something was bothering you. He never thought that he would find you like this in his living room, looking like you were desperately trying to hold yourself together. He just assumed that you would come to him if whatever bothered you became too much, he just couldn’t imagine that it was your relationship that was bothering you.

“Tell me…”, you tried again to speak up,” please tell me one reason.” You waited for him to answer, but all he did was looking at you confused. He had a bad feeling in his guts about the situation and he couldn’t understand what you wanted to hear from him. What reason did you need him to tell you?

After he didn’t say anything for some time you raised your head and took a deep breath. You really tried but it just felt like there was nothing coming in, it felt like you would choke on your words you were going to say. Releasing the breath you just slumped against the couch and moved your head to look at the blank ceiling.

“I was looking for a reason that shows me that this still makes sense but I couldn’t find any.”, you told him in an emotionless tone. The thoughts were still running wild inside your mind and every move you made hurt somehow, but at the same time everything was just empty.

You didn’t really spell it out for him but he already knew what you meant. He knew it the moment he saw you like this. What happened to the two of you that you’ve let it come this far? He really thought that you would come to him if you had any doubts, but he guesses he was wrong. It hurt him a bit that you still couldn’t trust him enough that the media could still make you question him.

He didn’t really know how to reply to you. He didn’t have a clear reason he just loved you, wasn’t that reason enough?

“Do you need a reason?”, he asked in a cautious tone, his voice wavering lightly.

You just sighed at his reply. Of course, he couldn’t give you a clear answer. Maybe because there was no answer to it but still. Did you need a reason? Well, you just wanted to have something that justified the pain you were constantly feeling. It irked you that he couldn’t understand it and it felt like something was breaking inside you. You pushed yourself up from your position on the couch to stand up and turned to look him straight in the eyes.

“Of course, I need a reason! Because why else did I put myself through so much pain, had so many mental struggles, just for my boyfriend to literally forget me?”, you nearly screamed at him but it was enough, you had enough. How can he be so calm about everything while you were literally falling apart in front of him. How could he only talk about his future in America, while you couldn’t see your future with him anymore. You felt betrayed and helpless and there was nothing you could do to change it.

“Then why didn’t you just talk to me?”

Was he serious now? How could he say that to you with a straight face like that?

“How many times Akaashi, how many times did I wait for you to come back?! Only to wait so long that I passed out on this stupid couch and wake up alone in your bed again. Time after time and nothing changes! How can I possibly talk to you when you never have the time?”, one could argue that you weren’t entirely fair to him but that was just how you felt and you wanted him to finally hear what you had to say for the past months.

Akaashi slowly felt the irritation rising up inside of him. You knew very well how busy his schedule was, especially because he has to depart soon. You were fully aware of how hard it already was for him to find time for himself, let alone for you, his family and friends.

It took a toll on him too. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to see you but his work had to come first at the moment because else he would lose the great deal he got himself for America.

“What do you expect me to do? I have to go to work or else I’ll lose the deal and you know how important it is to me. It’s a huge milestone in my career.”, he tried to argue calmly but the way his jaw was ticking you knew that he started to get mad. Good, at least it was an emotion and not the poker face that you couldn’t help but feel like wanted to escape your gaze.

“Oh, so your job now is to escort girls around town, being all lovey dovey with each other? I thought you were a model Akaashi and not an actor?”, you knew you hit a nerve. He never really gave you a reason to act all jealous and insecure about other women, but seeing them together that often while you were left behind in his apartment slowly was eating you up.

“Again with the jealousy? What do you want me to do? It’s part of my job to spend time with them and get to know them more. I mean we have to work with each other for a long time so it’s only natural to meet up.”, he started to pace around the room, something that he always did when he got frustrated.

“Why do you care about that so much y/n? It’s not like I want to know every guy you’re working with on your projects. Why does it matter when at the end of the day, I come back to you?”, you could hear how it affected him. It pained him maybe even as much as you but you had to do it. There was no way around this conversation because either you two get even stronger after this or it’s going to be over. It could really be it… after tonight you two might walk into different directions. You two might never cross each other's paths again and that would be it. Everything you went through… just to be completely broken in the end.

“Why do I care? Sure, you might come home to me but when do I actually see you? When do I actually get to talk to you and be with you like you’re being with all those women all of the time? It might seem irrational to you but all those comments about how you’ve probably broken up with me or going to do so is pushing me to the brink of exhaustion. When was the last time we went out on a date huh?”, you just started to vent on him and were panting because talking with him right now was wearing you out. All your emotions bubbled up and you were sure to explode.

“Do you even know what it means to see you everyday but not being able to really be with you? Because I only get a chance to look at you in those gossip magazines and channels. And don’t you dare tell me that I get to see you every night because I don’t! I can’t even remember the last time you took me into your arms on your own will, let alone you starting a conversation with me that wasn’t over text messages.” The tears were shooting into your eyes again as it became too much… everything became just too heavy to bear. You had to hold yourself back to not let out a sob while speaking.

“It’s not really about the trash talk they make about me but rather the fact that they seem to know more about you than I do nowadays and that they get to see your smile more often than I do, even if I’M your girlfriend! What do I have to do for you to finally look at me?! Can you see me damnit? Can you see how many fucking times I already broke myself for you so I can still be with you?”, you were now shouting at him but god does it feel good. It felt so relieving to finally let go of these words that were stuck in your throat for months. Voicing something you only thought before made it more real to you and it might seem silly but only now were those words really impacting you. Like, they were crashing down on you at full speed and now there was no way of escaping them and ignoring them anymore. You couldn’t shove them back into the darkest corner inside your mind because now they were out there. No taking back.

Akaashi was looking at you but like, really looking at you. He could see you in all your damaged and worn out beauty. Did he really hurt you that much?

He wanted to deny it but there was no way he could ignore the look you gave him. It screamed at him to help you, longing for him to get you out of your miserable state.

Maybe you wanted him to set you free.

Maybe it was the right thing to do, if the other choice would be to let you continue to suffer. He didn’t want to see you like this, he wanted to see the smile you always gave him when they would win a game back in high school or when he finished a good shooting.

He wanted to be the person again who you could proudly call your boyfriend, but how?

With the deadline of his departure to America coming closer and closer it was hard to think of something that could solve this without one of you giving up on something.

If he could he would pull you right into his arms and whisper all of his love into your ear but when he looked at you like that, he was afraid that just one touch could break you apart.

This situation wasn’t something that only one of you could solve and you didn’t expect that of him. You just wanted him to finally understand that how things were working so far won’t be working anymore. You could only handle so much and you won’t go any further if you didn’t know where he wanted to go.

“Kaashi… you’re going to America soon and I’m gonna stay here.

I’m always waiting for you right here, but I can’t do that anymore when I don’t know if you’re going to come back or not.”, your voice was scratchy from all the screaming and honestly you were just tired right now, no real energy left to be loud.

He knew it was going to be a problem eventually but he always believed that the two of you could push through it together.

It might be the fairest choice for the two of you if you just broke up, but he couldn’t do it. He was looking over at you, you looked so small and he wanted nothing but to make you feel safe again. He wanted to make you happy again but breaking up with you just wasn’t an option.

Finally, he took a step closer to you placing his hands on either of your shoulders to guide you back to the couch. He pushed you lightly to sit down with him, so you were sitting together while facing each other. His normally cool exterior was now looking rather distressed and his hair was disheveled, a total mess. You guess you both were and you nearly had to let out a chuckle at that thought. It felt like ages since the last time you two really took the time to sit down and talk to each other. Even though the occasion wasn’t that enjoyable, just sitting with him made your heart tingle again.

His eyes that could catch you from a mile away were looking at you with such a sad expression and it hurt you to see him like that. It’s not like you wished for this to not have happened because now you two were going to see what your relationship was really made of.

“You know that I love you right?”, your voice was so small, merely above a whisper, but he could still hear you. “I really want to look past the things everyone is talking about and I am proud of you that you got the offer in America but it just shows me that we might aim for different things.”, you couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore and so you casted your gaze down to your hands that were clasped together in your lap. “Your work is now your first priority and I get that. Don’t get me wrong I would never want you to stop what you’re doing because of me but maybe your way isn’t going to be the same as mine in the future.” You could feel the tears pricking in your eyes again and it was annoying you but you just let them fall because you didn’t have the energy to wipe them away. “I really, really, really love you but in this case the saying “sometimes love wasn’t enough” might be right. We both love each other and there is no way that any of us wants the other one to give up on something, so the only solution might be to just…”, you couldn’t say it because once it’s out there you can’t take them back. Words don’t work that way. Once you say it out loud it would become real.

You felt his hands on your cheeks, wiping away your tears with his thumbs. He nudged your head upwards so you were looking at him again. His gaze held so much love and sincerity in it that you couldn’t help but melt a little in his hands.

“I know it’s going to be a tough time but I don’t want you to say the rest of your sentence. I don’t see why love can’t be enough for the two of us. We’ve known each other for so long and been through a lot already, so how come that this should be the breaking point of us?

Do you think that I would accept it that easily? I thought you knew me better than that, love.”, his voice was so tender as if he was too afraid to speak too loud and he leaned forward until his forehead touched yours. “You only have four more months until graduation and I will be going overseas in one. So that means it’s just going to be three months until your graduation. Maybe, if you want to, you could join me in America after the time is over and I will show you around. Of course, I will try to visit you as often as I can during the first three months and if you don’t want to stay the whole three months afterwards, then maybe just for a bit of the time?”, he was looking deep into your eyes with his ocean blue orbs and even if you wanted to, you couldn’t look away from him.

“I know it won’t solve our problem completely but I promise you that I will try to work my ass off so this can work. Because there is no way in hell, I could give up on us without trying the damndest thing I can think of. So, if you are willing to maybe give this a shot then it would make me really happy and if you don’t then that’s also fine because I won't pressure you into something you don’t want. But don’t think I would refrain from begging on my knees first.”, and he did it once again. He made you smile even at the most serious times and even if the thought of Akaashi on his knees begging for you would be a nice sight, you just wanted to give in to him. He was willing to work on it and that is what you wanted, knowing that you weren’t the only one in this relationship. You didn’t trust your voice so you just nodded against his head, which caused him to break out into a small smile. Suddenly his eyes became serious again and he moved his head back a bit and grabbed you by your shoulders.

“You have to promise me though that if you ever start to feel like this again, you have to come and talk to me. I don’t care if you have to spam me full with messages or just call me, but I need to know how you feel or else I can’t do anything to make you feel better.” He looked so sternly that you couldn’t help but start to laugh. You were so sorry because he was just saying something so unbelievably cute but the look he gave you with that, just precious.

You tried to regain your composure after you stopped laughing and placed your hands onto his shoulders just like he did. “I promise that I will annoy the hell out of you that you’ll have no other choice but to give me your full attention.”, you answered him, trying to mimic his serious tone but to no avail. You broke out into laughter again but this time Akaashi joined you.

After you two recovered from your little laughing party, you both fell into each other's arms.

It felt so good to be in his arms again and oh he was so warm, he would have to drag you around with him because there was no chance of you letting go soon.

He didn’t care though because as long as he can carry you around, he would do it.

His right hand slipped under your chin and raised it so you were looking at him again. He was just millimeters apart and your lips were already slightly brushing against his.

“I don’t need a reason to love you because I just love you for who you are. There is no need to reason my feelings because that’s not how they work.”, he whispered the words into your lips and in an instant you two were connected in a searing kiss that melted all of your bad feeling away.

#akaashi x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #akaashi angst #akaashi oneshot #akaashi haikyuu #akaashi fluff #akaashi imagine #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff

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