#mob: thank you for giving me minimum wage at what days do we go out for ramen and will you be duducting our dinners out of my pay or nah

[victorie552]

I know Reigen practically speaking isn’t that good of a boss. (he’s getting better! I’m aware! It’s a plot point in the manga!). His appeal lies in his teaching, not his bussiness management. If he was a real person, you would never want to work for him, right?

So from what I saw so far I think most of us would want all the Mob Psycho kids work somewhere else and earn more than minimum wage. Plus trying to figure out what Mob or Tome or Teru will do in the future is fun because, honestly, everything goes with these kids. (Serizawa is usually excluded from this trend due to shipping reasons). Grow up, move on, stretch your wings and fly and all that.

But. Imagine. The comedic potential. All of them working somewhere else after working for Reigen.

Reigen is not only a weird person, he’s such a weird BOSS, but he is a primary example of a businessman to all the main cast. They must have at least few skewed views on what a boss of company does.

Pray for their future employer.

[heartofsnark]

Black Market Wonderland (Chapter Nine): We’re Covered In Lies and That’s Okay

Notes: I’ve given up on maintaining proper consistent schedules for my fics, but I want to attempt to update at least once every other month for each of my series that are going on rn. I always wanna say thanks for some of the replies/comments on my last chapter that were really supportive and awesome about my disaster of a situation with grad school. I struggle to like respond and be a functional human being, but i read everything and love you all.I will be trying to like alternate posting chapters to each series, monthly. So like, April is Tsun, May will be Dahlia, but uhhhhhhhh every time i try to be consistent, it blows up in my face so that's cool. 

Word Count: 7,152

Warnings: This one is pretty tame, cursing, some pettiness. I introduce a new OC cause i can’t fucking contain myself. 

Missed the last chapter? Link Here!

“Hmmm, I don’t know…” 

“Please,” Anais shakes her clenched fists in a begging motion, “please, please, please!”

The day has passed by easily enough, no snags or major confrontations from the idiots in the penthouse. A nice relaxed day of normal work with Anais clinging to her side, as they teach each other languages. It won’t be long before Tsuneko has to return her to her parent’s room for the evening, they’re walking that direction on the VIP floor.  All it took was mentioning maybe giving the young girl a present for her to start begging excitedly. Of course, Tsuneko already has the small pompompurin coin purse in her pocket, something she won in a crane game, but doesn’t need. 

“Hm, let’s see, maybe we can make it a reward. Do you remember how to sign, ‘hello, my name is Anais’?” 

“Yeah, see,” Anais replies with a big grin and signs the greeting, perfectly. 

“Here, you’ve more than earned it,” Tsuneko tells her, before handing over the little plush coin purse. Her blue eyes sparkle the second she sees it and she hugs it to her cheek. 

“I love it!” 

One of Anais’s hands wraps around Tsuneko’s, the other clutches around her gift, as they walk towards the room. The young girl is practically skipping as they near their destination. 

“Tsuneko,” a familiar masculine voice calls out, Mr. Bucci. 

“Hello, Mr. Bucci,” Tsuneko greets him, Anais hides behind her leg, shy around the strange older man, “Anais, this is Mr. Bucci, he’s a friend of my boss from Italy, why don’t you say hello?” 

“Ciao,” Anais murmurs, still a little awkward, but Mr. Bucci gives her a kind smile. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, say, Tsuneko. I’m sorry to be a bother, but would you mind showing me around the hotel? I’d get lost in a paper bag I’m afraid.” 

“Ah, I’m showing Anais back to her parent’s room at the moment, but if you could wait for just a moment, I can be with you shortly?” Tsuneko offers, even if the room isn’t far away, she wouldn’t feel comfortable just abandoning Anais on the VIP floor alone. 

“I don’t mind at all, go ahead.” 

Tsuneko excuses herself and Anais, leading the girl down the hall down to her parent’s room. She has a quick chat with Esme, about when the family is visiting Puroland, as well as the fact that Tsuneko may have days in the coming week where Ichinomiya will ask her to work outside of the hotel. It’s officially the second week of the bet and she’s expecting him to make a full force effort before the end of it, since he doesn’t seem keen on just giving up. She says her goodbyes to the family for the night and returns to Mr. Bucci in the hallway. 

“Sorry for the wait, sir,” Tsuneko apologizes as they start to walk towards the elevator. 

“It’s no problem at all,” he pauses for a moment, “I’m starting to understand more and more why Eisuke seems so enamored with you. Sweet, cute girl, great cook and good with children.” 

“Mr. Bucci,” her stomach churns at the thought of Ichinomiya’s saccharine fake smile, “you’re far too kind, I’m sure Mr. Ichinomiya isn’t quite as fond of me as you think.” 

“Nonsense, I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

“Uh,” she stutters as they reach the elevator, wanting to escape this conversation, “so, do you think you know exactly what you’re looking to do? I’m sure you’re well acquainted with the casino, but there are also museums, theaters, pools, plenty of restaurants with food from all over. There’s actually an Italian restaurant, people say the food is really authentic, but I wouldn’t really know, personally.” 

“Actually,” he cuts off her rambling, “I was hoping we could have a chat over dinner. I’m sure Eisuke won’t mind.” 

She’s sure he wouldn’t, so long as Tsuneko doesn’t out his bullshit. Her regular rooms are all cleaned for the day, the only thing left on the schedule is cleaning the penthouse. So, it’s not impacting anyone else in the hotel and she tells Ichinomiya she was buttering up Mr. Bucci, he won’t particularly care. 

“Yeah, that should be fine.” 

It’s an awkward elevator ride to the floor with the restaurants, Tsuneko’s arms are folded behind her back to feign some sort of confidence, despite how badly she wants to run. She can’t say for certain what Mr. Bucci wants with her, perhaps just mining her for information about Ichinomiya, but why would he need her for that. There’s a devilish part of her brain that reminds her this would be a chance to out him, to tell Mr. Bucci all about the little game Ichinomiya is playing. 

But she can’t bring herself to do something like that. Ichinomiya is an asshole and all-around garbage excuse for a human being, but his success affects more than just him. If the success of the Tres Spades continues to grow and get more money, the employees continue to prosper and make more money. The Tres Spades isn’t some shitty corporation that pays them minimum wage and no benefits. Tsuneko’s situation is an extreme case, she knows that, despite his piss poor personality, Ichinomiya and the Tres Spades take care of their employees. 

Not to mention, another hotel, means more job opportunities for people who may need them. People who were like her when she applied, desperate and needing a source of income, could have an opportunity to do more than survive. 

Plus, if the hotel expands across the globe, it can help employees in other ways. She thinks of Chisato and Itsuki, the two are basically engaged, but can’t movee beyond that point if they want to because gay marriage isn’t legal in Japan. Chisato has been with the hotel for years and can’t just move to elsewhere without having a job at least as good lined up. If there were more locations, in places where it’s legal, she could have both. So, if the Tres Spades expands…

As much as she hates to sound like a capitalist, helping Ichinomiya really does have ripple effects that help more people. She has to find a balance of not fucking herself over, but not hurting anyone else in the grand scheme of things.  

Tsuneko would message Ichinomiya, to at least let him know why she’ll be late cleaning the penthouse and so he doesn’t suspect she’s going out of her way to ruin things. But the only way she has of contacting him is the pager which is on a speaker and she’s not giving that man her phone number. 

They arrive at the Italian restaurant the Tres Spades has and Tsuneko immediately feels out of place. It’s mostly guests here for a nice dinner, dressed to the nines, while she’s in her maid uniform. The mixture of cleaner products and sweat is still heavy on her skin. 

They’re shown to a table and Tsuneko is trying not to anxiously bounce or move around in her seat. Mr. Bucci orders wine and she gets water, he seems to be beating around the bush, dragging her discomfort out.  Tsuneko forgets what she ordered a moment after she orders it. Mr. Bucci is the dictionary definition of calm, as he takes a sip of his wine, Tsuneko is sick of this. 

“What did you want to talk to me about?” 

He puts his glass down on the table and gives a small chuckle. Mr. Bucci has never struck her a mean or cruel man, but he’s a mob boss. There are so many dangerous places this conversation could go. 

“Cutting right to the chase, are you?” 

“My heart can’t handle doing anything else.” 

“There’s no need to look so scared, relax, eat.” 

She pops an appetizer into her mouth but can’t quite appreciate the taste through her nerves. The attempt seems to appease him to some degree, as he clears his throat to speak again. 

“Carolina has become rather infatuated with Eisuke, despite him having feelings for you.” 

“I don’t think he-”

“Please, humor me,” he puts his hand up to make her shush, “I know Carolina has been taking things out on you, which isn’t right, but she’s always felt her emotions very intensely. If your and Eisuke’s relationship were to go further, it would crush her, and she’d only get nastier with you.”

Is this entire dinner about warning her away from Ichinomiya for Carolina’s sake? Because that’s not an issue. Tsuneko wouldn’t waste her time fighting over a man she liked, let alone one she’s actively trying to avoid.  

“I know it’s asking a lot, but it would be nice if you and Carolina could become friends.” 

“Huh?” 

“I was hoping from the way he acted last time they met, perhaps he had feelings for her as well, but it can’t be helped. If Carolina could see you as more of a friend, less of a rival, I think it would be good for both of you.” 

“Uh,” that’s not what she expected, “if this is all about getting me to make nice with your daughter, I’m not sure there’s much I can do. I’m not exactly the one making it, uh, contentious. And even if I did, I’m not sure if it would make her feel any better about Mr. Ichinomiya.” 

“I know my Carolina can be difficult, but I do think it would help for her to have a friend here.”

“I’m not confident that I’m the best choice for that.” 

“It would mean a lot to me if you tried, maybe a girl’s day for the two of you could be arranged?” 

Tsuneko chews her lip and pokes at her meal, unsure of what to say or do. Her leg bounces beneath the table. Mr. Bucci strikes her as sincere, he genuinely wants the best for his daughter. And Tsuneko can see his point, Carolina doesn't strike her as the type who probably has a lot of female friends. The kind of mentality where Women are competition and men are some sort of prize. Which is exhausting. Both for those around her and surely for her as well.

"If you can get her to agree, I'll be more than happy to spend a day with her."

"Wonderful. I'll let you know when a date is arranged." Mr. Bucci smiles at her and Tsuneko prays Carolina refuses. The meal concludes with Tsuneko trying to hurriedly eat her entree, as to not waste the previously untouched food, and Mr. Bucci insisting on paying. 

Her mind wanders as she makes her way to the penthouse, she thinks of what he said, about believing Ichinomiya might have had feelings for Carolina. Everything he does, especially for business, is intentional. Even the smallest gesture calculated. He doesn’t give soft smiles or too long touches by accident. 

And while Carolina might be the type to misinterpret signals, her father doesn’t seem as apt to do so. Which, makes her wonder, did he lead Carolina on for the deal? Not that she thinks much of him to begin with, but that’s another layer of gross. 

She arrives at the penthouse, seeing a mish mash of familiar and unfamiliar faces. Baba and Kisaki are the only two of the auction managers there, but there’s four women gathered around them. Three she doesn’t know and one, she’s sadly familiar with, the girl who insulted her weight at the event Ichinomiya dragged her to. The women are undoubtedly beautiful, dressed in short seductive dresses. They’re guests, or at least she has to assume so, which sadly means Tsuneko needs to be well behaved. It’s one thing to mouth off to the assholes who bought her, but actual guests of the hotel she has to behave around. 

“Hey, princess,” Baba greets her, a woman with long red hair on his left and another with raven black hair on his right. The girl from the event is next to the red head, while another blonde is practically sitting in Kisaki’s lap. 

The three unfamiliar women give Tsuneko a quick once over but seem to ultimately decide they don’t care about her presence. While the one she’s met before, maintains a sharp cruel gaze. Unlike the other three, she doesn’t even seem to be fawning over the men, almost bored with this. 

“I’m here to clean,” Tsuneko announces with a customer service smile, “would anyone like anything to eat or drink before I start?”  

Kisaki and Baba shoots her confused looks, no doubt taken aback by her kind attitude. However, she can’t risk being inappropriate around actual guests. 

“Make yourself useful and get us some wine,” the familiar woman pipes in, showing off her empty glass like Tsuneko is too stupid to understand otherwise. 

“Of course.” 

She gathers the empty glasses and makes her way to the penthouse kitchen area.  There’s a bottle of fancy red wine on the counter, from whenever they first served it, so she tops off each glass and brings it out to them. 

“So, you let maids up here?” The redhead asks, twirling a crimson lock around her finger. 

“Koro’s special,” Kisaki taunts, despite his sugary sweet smile, and she bites her tongue, only sending him a quick pointed glare. 

“I’m the penthouse maid, Tomori Tsuneko.” 

“I think the dog name suits you more,” the event girl tells her, her eyes sharp. She’s a pretty girl, a shaggy pale blonde bob hair and burnished orange eyes. 

“You’re so mean, Kaede,” the blonde on the arm of Kisaki’s chair gushes out, like it’s cute. 

“If that’s all, I’ll begin cleaning now.” She at least has a name to attach to the mean girl, though she’s not sure how much that will actually help her. 

Tsuneko busies herself with cleaning the lounge, letting the residents become background noise. She manages to catch that Baba is reading the girl’s fortunes with cards. All of them but Kaede, oohing and aweing over it. 

“Hey, pretty lady, come over here,” Baba calls over suddenly as Tsuneko is dusting, every fiber of her being wants to tell him to shush and let her clean. But there are guests, actual guests here. 

“Is there something you need, sir?” She says instead, hoping the sir will somehow get her point across. Yet, Baba is smiling like a damn idiot. 

“Do you wanna have your fortune read?” 

There’s an annoyed twitch behind her eye, she is working. She can see Kisaki gremlin smirking out of her peripheral vision. They’re trying to push her buttons. 

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m working, sir.” 

“Oh, there’s no need to be shy, you know you can always call me Micchy!~” 

He winks at her, three girls giggle, but Kaede still shows no signs of being entertained. Instead, her nose wrinkles. A clatter of glass as she smacks her finger into the stem of her wine glass, knocking it from the table. 

“Ah!” Tsuneko flusters and rushes, she catches the glass before it shatters, but red wine drenches the front of her uniform. It soaks and chills through the fabric, making it stick to her. 

“Couldn’t let you slack off for too long,” Kaede tells her, voice hushed and a mean little smirk pulling at her lips. 

The door to the penthouse opens within the next moment, Ichinomiya and Oh entering the lounge. Like moths to a flame, suddenly the four women all flock over to them, abandoning Baba and Kisaki. 

“Eisuke, it’s great to see you again!~” Kaede gushes and he narrows his eyes. 

“We were waiting for you to get here!”

“I didn’t think we’d actually get a chance to meet the king!” 

“You’re even more attractive in person, oh my god!”  

“Are you okay?” Baba asks her, suddenly close and in her personal space. 

“Yeah, better on me than on the linoleum,” she awkwardly tugs at the wet chest of her uniform, cold drops of wine rolling down her cleavage, that Baba’s eyes seem to follow, “nothing got on your cards?” 

“Of all the things for you to be worried about,” Baba looks her in the eyes again and sighs, like he’s dealing with a child. 

“I mean, I could also worry about how you two just got ditched for Ichinomiya,” she teases, voice low, as Baba carefully takes the glass from her hand. He’s being, nice. 

“We’re used to it by now, some girls will do anything to get close to boss.” 

“What’s going on here?” Ichinomiya questions, glaring at the women for a moment, before his eyes land on Tsuneko and her wine-soaked uniform. 

“We just thought, it’d be okay for us to come up here and spend some time with you,” Kaede tells him, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. 

“I take it, we know who’s to blame for letting you up here,” Oh glares at Baba who just grins. 

“What’s wrong for having some beautiful women here?” 

“Women who find it necessary to throw wine at my staff.” Ichinomiya narrows his eyes at Kaede, he doesn’t even have to wonder who’s to blame. 

“Accidents happen,” Kaede waves it off, “she’ll be fine, why don’t we have a drink, just the two of us?” 

“Get out.” 

“Huh, don’t be ridiculous-”

“I don’t have time for this, get out, now.” 

Slowly and with their heads hanging down, the women leave the penthouse, like they’ve been scolded. Which, she supposes isn’t that far from the truth. 

“Ugh, I can still smell their perfume,” He’s not wrong, the smell of expensive perfume still hangs in the air. 

“Are you sure you should talk to guests like that?” 

“They’re not staying here.” 

“What?” 

“Those women just hang around in the casino, like flies,” Oh explains. 

“God damn it, I was polite for nothing!” 

“It was so funny watching you try to behave yourself.” Kisaki snickers. 

“Oh shut up, now, if you’ll excuse me,” she says and starts to head to the door, wine making her thighs stick together awkwardly. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Ichinomiya stops her. 

“I’m gonna go change then come back to clean, the wine didn’t get on anything else, so don’t worry.”

“You’re going to let guests see you like that?” He narrows his eyes at her, and she looks down at the mess on her uniform, not that she needs to, she can feel it sticking to her. 

“Well, it’s not going anywhere on its own.” She flails her arms out, glaring at him, what the hell does he expect?

“I’ll see if Kenzaki can bring you up a change of uniform.” 

“Come on, you can get cleaned up in my bathroom and we’ll get your uniform taken care of,” Baba says, placing a hand on the small of her back as he leads her towards his suite, even though she knows where it is, his hand is welcomed warmth against the chill of the spilled wine.

She steps into his bathroom, familiar with the elaborate set up. The sun is just starting to set, shining orange golden light in through the giant window. 

“There’s bathrobes for you to change into or you can borrow some clothes from me if you’d like.” He winks, because of course he does. 

“I’ll take the bathrobe.” 

He gives a melodramatic pout and she pushes him from the bathroom. The door shut behind him, she takes off her shoes and starts to unbutton her uniform. Her eyes dart between the tub and the shower, immaculate. The idea of relaxing back in a hot soapy bath looking at the sunset out the window, sounds so nice. However, reality is a cruel mistress, and she doesn’t have the luxury of taking her time and relaxing. She’s technically on the clock and she’s better off just taking a shorter shower. 

There’s a bit of relief from the sticky wine, tacky on her skin, when she lets her uniform drop to the floor and peels off her stockings. The worst of the mess is off her, but it’s well soaked through the layers to her skin. She can even feel the residue on her nipples where it’s dripped down and soaked through her bra.  Her underwear joins the pile of clothes and she starts up the shower, steam filling the room. 

She leaves a towel over the stall door and steps under the hot water. There’s an array of the hotel provided items with soft clean neutral scents, but she notices a few of Baba’s products as well. They’re all rose and jasmine scented, floral almost romantic scents. Not that different from her own shampoo, but just slightly stronger. Of course, he drinks rose tea and uses rose soap, like the cheesy schmuck he is. Those thoughts don’t stop her from using it. Tsuneko’s muscles relax as she washes the grime from her skin and hair, not just the wine but the sweat of the day so far.  

The door creaks as she’s massaging soap into her breasts, she jolts, a slick mess of suds and water in the shower stall makes her feet slip. She just manages to burrow her fingers into the towel before she yelps out, her ass hitting the floor. Pain shoots up her tailbone. The door swings open further. 

“Tsuneko!” Baba’s voice jumps an octave as he rushes into the room, whirling around to see her. She scrambles to place the towel, so it covers her chest and groin, though she feels like he probably already got an eyeful in the amount of time it takes her. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” 

“Are you okay, I heard you yell?” 

“Yeah, because you opened the fucking door!” 

“Uh, oh,” realization seems to dawn on him, and he covers his eyes before turning his back to her, “I was going to get your clothes, so we can send them to be cleaned.”  

“You couldn’t have waited?!” 

“The quicker they’re washed the better, you don’t want the stains to set.” 

“Just go!” 

Baba flusters about for a moment before grabbing her pile of wine-soaked clothes and leaving the bathroom. She heaves out a deep sigh, once she hears the door shut behind him. Tsuneko gets back up on her feet, the towel is completely soaked now, so she tosses it aside. Fearful of another interruption, she finishes up as quickly as possible. 

She shuts the shower off and does a quick dry off.  They’re probably still sticky, but she goes to grab her underwear, to find they’re not there.  Great, so not only has Baba seen her naked, but he knows what kind of underwear she wears. And, she’ll be wearing a bathrobe with nothing underneath,  around them all. Lovely. 

The bathrobe is clearly meant for an adult man and she doesn’t see any in smaller sizes. It’s soft fluffy white material, she pulls it on, she feels and looks a bit like a marshmallow, but that’s not a complaint. Plus, the excess fabric should make it easier to stay covered. It sags a little low on her shoulders, the sleeves hang over her hands, and the bottom drags across the floor as she leaves the bathroom. 

Baba is just outside the bathroom door and she can’t help the pout that pulls at her face, asshole. He’s smirking in response and her fist is connecting with his side in the next moment. He barely flinches at the strike and she can feel the muscle beneath his shirt. 

“Pull that kind of shit again and I’ll castrate you.” 

“I only had the best of intentions, scouts honor.” He gives a cheesy little smile and scout salute, that she isn’t buying for a second. 

“Hmmph.” 

She lets out a huffy noise as she fixes her still damp bangs and moves towards her stuff that’s on the side table. Baba must have taken them from her pockets when he got her clothes. There are wine stains on some of her sticky note pads and a bit on her phone case, the phone itself doesn’t feel soaked, however. It’s already been scratched all up, she’s not sure how much more it can handle. 

“This is the first time I’ve seen you with your hair down, somehow you just manage to get prettier and prettier.” 

She rolls her eyes at his compliment, despite the heat in her cheeks. It’s sweet and she’s sure he’s right, the only one who’s seen her with her hair down fully was Kisaki when he was fixing it for the event. She twirls a still damp lock of her around her finger. 

“You never lay off with the cheesy shit, do you?” 

“I’m just an honest man.” 

“You walked in on me showering and stole my underwear!” 

“I was honestly trying to help.” 

A heavy sigh escapes her as she puts her phone in the robe pocket and heads to the lounge, hopefully Kenzaki has brought a change of uniform for her. Baba follows after her, Kishi is on one of the couches smoking a cigarette. He managed to miss the chaos, lucky him. 

“What the hell?”

“Don’t ask.” She waves him off, dismissing him and his smoke cloud as she takes a seat. Tsuneko is careful to fold her legs in the chair so she stays cocooned and covered in the robe. 

“One of Boss’s fangirls got a little testy.” 

“There are no spare uniforms in your size, so you’ll have to wait until laundry services washes yours,” Ichinomiya explains to her. 

“So, what I’m hearing is I’m getting overtime pay?” 

Ichinomiya sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, but he doesn’t argue with her. At the very least a bit of extra money in her bank account, but now she’s stuck spending time with them. Last time she was actually sat down with them was when Ichinomiya gave her the confidentiality agreement, before she proposed the bet. She can remember just how tense and rigid she was, now she’s curled up in a robe. 

She fiddles with the edge of the robes sleeve, suddenly aware of the strangely vulnerable position she’s put herself in with them. Hair damp from the shower and still down, not a smudge of makeup, in nothing but an oversized robe. Something about it all seems cozy, comfortable. She curls her knees in a bit closer at the thought, as if providing a bit more protection. 

“Since you’ve got time you want to get your fortune read, now?” Baba offers, smiling. 

“Aren’t you a little old to believe in that kind of shit?” 

“You wound me and so soon after our special moment together in the shower.” 

“Don’t say shit like that!” She reaches out and smacks him with the long sleeves of the robe, it hits his face and he just keeps grinning. 

“Don’t tell me you’re into old men, now, Koro.” 

“He walked in while I was showering!” 

“You really have the worst luck, don’t ya?” 

“You’re telling me. Speaking of shitty luck and women who hate me, Mr. Bucci wants me to spend time with Carolina.” 

“Does he now?” 

“And you actually agreed to that?” 

“What was I supposed to do?” She shoots Oh an incredulous look. 

“I’m not sure that’s the smartest idea, princess.” 

“Mr. Bucci is gonna talk to her about it, best case scenario she refuses and worst case scenario I have to suffer through a day of her snide little insults.” 

“Did you forget they’re mafia members?” 

“And Carolina is jealous of you.” 

“So,” she shrugs at Oh and Baba’s implications, “she’s not gonna do anything crazy.” 

“You can’t let your guard down around people like that.” 

“What’s that suppose to mean, slacker?” 

“Exactly what it sounds like.”

Kishi and Oh are glaring daggers at each other, Oh’s hand starts heading towards where she’s sure his gun is. She tries not to snicker and starts scrolling through her phone again. Ichinomiya clears his throat, stopping the short-lived altercation. 

“Make sure you take your pager.” 

“Why, so you can badger me when you want coffee?” 

“Just do what I say.” 

“Just do what I say,” she mocks him, not bothering to look up from her Instagram feed. Chisato posted a cute selfie, that she gets a glimpse of before her phone is pulled from her hand, “hey!” 

Kisaki has a hold of her phone, he’s perched himself on the arm of the chair she’s sitting in, his smarmy gremlin grin on his face. She doesn’t need him going through her phone, she’s already had one of them see her practically naked today. 

“What are you look- hey,” she grabs her phone and yanks it from his hand, before pushing him off the chair arm. He gives a little yell, before his ass hits the floor. 

“Don’t touch my phone.” 

He shoots her a disgusted look from the floor and she hears the other men snickering. 

“You’re so aggressive,” he says, glaring at her. 

“Do you have something on there you don’t want people to see?” Baba asks, smirking. 

“What is or isn’t on my phone is none of your concern.” 

“You’re not helping yourself.” Ichinomiya isn’t looking up at them, but he’s smirking just the same. 

“You’re not wrong.” She sighs, hiding her phone away back in her pocket. 

There’s a knock, before Kenzaki steps into the lounge, carrying a laundry bag. 

“Tomori’s clothes have been washed.” 

She’s already out of her chair and making a beeline for Kenzaki, plucking the laundry bag from his hand and muttering a thanks before heading towards Baba’s bathroom. Tsuneko double, triple, checks that the door is locked before she starts to change back into her uniform. There is absolutely no signs of the wine on her uniform, the laundry services at the hotel are beyond amazing. Once she’s changed and tucked everything back into her uniform pockets, she’s able to get back to work. Cleaning the lounge and suites doesn’t take her much time at all

Tsuneko returns to her dorm later than average, going through her nighttime routine of caring for Kiyo and preparing for that stupid auction. The only thing unique to the whole process at this point is crossing off days until the end of the bet. It’s the final marker of the whole routine now, the last thing she does before she closes her eyes. 

The next day at work isn’t quite as entertaining, Anais is enjoying Puroland with her family. Meaning, Tsuneko is left to her own usual routine. The first part of her shift passes by calmly and she gets to go enjoy lunch on time. Sakiko is eating a later lunch, Chisato and Itsuki got their lunch breaks to match up and are having a more romantic venture. So, Tsuneko decides to go out grab a quick bite during her break. Chisato already warned her that the gossip about Tsuneko working in the penthouse is only getting worse, so she’d rather have some distance between herself and her coworkers for a moment. 

After filling her stomach with hamburger steak and catching up on Monster Lovers during her solo lunch, she’s headed back to the hotel. There’s a soft breeze blowing through as she reaches the backlot, just as a group of unfamiliar men venture through the back door. What are they doing? It’s always something at this fucking hotel. 

“Excuse me, sirs!” She yells out as she starts sprinting after them, whatever reason they’re here, she plans on finding out. They don’t stop or respond out of earshot as she starts into the hotel. A glimpse of their back as they venture down the stairs, down to the basement level, she yells again. No response as they continue towards the sub-basement level, Wonderland. 

“Hey!” Her voice jumps up another three octaves as she rushes down the final set of stairs. There are even more unfamiliar men there, a line forming out of Wonderland door. Men shoot her confused looks. It’s all random men of all ages and appearances, though, most don’t seem too pleasant. 

She stomps and pushes her way through, all of the men shooting her dirty looks as she elbows her way through the crowd. Finally, she manages to make it into Wonderland. The Hatter is at the table across from one of the men, who have flooded the room.  He has a notebook open before him and is scribbling notes, like he’s interviewing them. 

“What are your hobbies?”

“Horse races, dog races, poker, pachinko.” Some man tells the Hatter in a gruff voice. 

“Oh, so you’re a gambling man then. How much would you say you usually bet at once?”

“Everything I have at the moment.”

“You like high stakes bets then!”

“I borrow money from friends sometimes, tell ‘em I’ll pay them back with interest.”

“Have you paid any of these friends back?”

“Not yet.” 

“Alright then. Next, please,” he calls another strange man forward to take the other’s place, “it’s a pleasure to meet you.” 

“Hey.”  

“I have several questions I’d like to ask you; do you live nearby?” 

“About thirty minutes by train, I guess.” 

“Yes, that’s a very fine distance; what are your hobbies?” 

“Afternoon naps.’

“Pffff,” she scoffs, making both the man and the Hatter looks up at her. 

“Alice! Where have you been?” The Hatter shoots her a bright smile, while the man is glaring. He barely looks old enough to drink, so if he’s trying to look scary, it’s not going to work for him. 

“I just got back from my lunch break, what is all of this?” She gestures to the crowd of men. 

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Not in the slightest.” 

“I’m having auditions for the new March Hare and Dormouse.” 

He’s not seriously letting strangers back in here, so soon after being robbed. 

“And where exactly did you find these men?” 

“I put an advertisement up on the website craigslist.” 

“What?” Her eyes grow wide, that’s so dangerous, people have been killed from doing stupid shit like this. 

“The online world is dull compared to Wonderland, but it’s very convenient.” 

“No way, nope,” she shakes her head emphatically, “you’re not doing this.” 

She pulls a chair from the table and climbs to stand on it, drawing attention to herself as well as seeing over the crowd of strangers. 

 “Alice, what are you doing?” 

“Hey,” she calls out, “I’m sorry, but you all need to go! The position is closed, there is no job, sorry for the trouble, you gotta get out of here!” 

“Alice!” The Hatter’s yell cuts through the disappointed grumbles of the men, she’s never seen him so angry, “please, do not act selfishly like that!” 

“Selfishly!?” 

“They all came out to be interviewed and you’re being rude!” 

“I’ll show you rude, everybody get the fuck out!” She stomps her foot down on the chair for emphasis. 

The Hatter is glaring at her as the men slowly make their way out of Wonderland. She needs to call Kenzaki and let him know, in case any of them get wise ideas about venturing through the hotel and causing trouble. Tsuneko hops down from the chair as the last man meanders out, grumbling under his breath about how good the pay was and she shuts the door behind him. 

“Why did you interfere?” The Hatter is glaring with a heavy, childish pout. 

“Because that was beyond stupid, that’s why!” 

“I must find a new March Hare and Dormouse! You enjoyed yourself, didn’t you?”

“That’s not the point, I don’t give a shit about the hare and mouse!” 

“Did you forget how lovely our parties were?” His face falls from anger to sorrow, unable to quite meet her eyes. 

“Did you forget that you were robbed like, two days ago?!” 

“Of course not!” 

“And what, you thought you should just have more strangers here?” 

He bites his lip and doesn’t meet her eyes, brow furrowing. 

“Do you have any idea how reckless that was? Any of those men could have robbed you or worse! Did you even think about that? Huh, what if I came down here and found you fucking dead, ‘cause you let anyone with a pulse and internet just waltz on in.” 

“I-”

“And what about everyone else here? What if one of them decided to go do something to a guest or one of the workers? For fucks sakes, even if those men weren’t bad, what if they found out about the auctions? What do you think Ichinomiya and them would do to keep them quiet?!” 

“I-”

“You could have gotten yourself and someone else killed, you can’t do this shit!”

His butt hits the ground with a thump, he’s plopped on the ground and pulled his knees to his chest, hiding his pouting face there. Watching an actual seven-year-old child felt less like babysitting. She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose, getting her phone from her pocket then punching in Kenzaki’s number. 

“Hey, yeah, it’s Tomori. We’ve had an issue in the tearoom with security, everyone is safe, and nothing is taken. But I think it might be good to keep an eye out for any strange characters.”  

Kenzaki assures her it’s taken care of and she hangs up, looking over to see the Hatter still hasn’t budged from his new spot on the floor. She sighs, she knows he wants his dream Wonderland tea party, but he can’t sacrifice his own or someone else’s safety for that. Tsuneko chews her lip, the March Hare and Dormouse didn’t do much, other than arrange furniture. She can do that; god knows the pair of them weren’t conversationalists. 

Most of her plushies are licensed characters as are most of the ones in her crane games, so they probably won’t work for him. She does a few searches for dormouse and hare plushies, it takes her a few moments to find ones cute enough to add to her cart. Tsuneko sits on the floor next to the Hatter who’s still pouting. 

“I just wanted to have our tea parties again,” he mumbles against his knees. 

“I know, sweetie, but hey, how about these?” She nudges her phone against his knee, getting his attention. He finally looks up, eyes soft with unshed tears and biting at his lip before looking at the phone. 

“Oh…” 

“Would that work, having stuffed animals instead?” 

“Would you be happy with that?” 

“Well, yeah. I mean let’s be honest, the March Hare and Dormouse weren’t exactly shining conversationalists. All I care about is that you’re safe.” 

“That’s good then,” he says with a soft smile. 

“Okay, I’ll order them and the tea party will be complete before you know it.” She pats her hand on his back, hoping the gesture can convey even just a bit of comfort. He seems to relax under her touch. 

The door rattles open and all that comfort is useless as Ichinomiya steps into the room, no doubt Kenzaki informed him of the situation. The Hatter visibly curls into himself as the CEO’s harsh gaze lands on him. 

“What happened?” He doesn’t ask for, so much as demand an answer. 

“I-” The Hatter stumbles over his words and stalls, that shy soft-spoken boy shining through the façade. She squeezes his shoulder tight. 

“There was a little issue, he let in a few strangers…but they’re gone now.’

“You let strangers in, again?” 

“Um…”

“I already ripped him a new one. You know why it was wrong, right Mads?”

He nods his head, hat nearly falling over from the force of it. 

“And you’re not gonna do it again, right?” 

Another nod. 

“See, it’s fixed, I just wanted to make sure Kenzaki knew what happened, just in case.”

“I can’t have just anyone coming down here.” 

“He knows, he knows.” 

“He can talk for himself.” 

“Not with you scaring him, he can’t.” 

“Is this going to happen again?”

“No, I won’t do it again…” The Hatter mumbles out a response. 

“I’m holding you to that.” There’s a subtle threatening edge to his words, like a father threatening to ground his son. 

“He knows, go, go,” she tries to shoo him off like a fly, earning a glare, “I’ll make you coffee when I clean the penthouse later.”

“Obviously.” He sneers and gives another stern look towards the Hatter before finally taking his leave. 

She spends a few more minutes with the Hatter, ensuring he’s feeling better before she goes back to work. Her shift passes by with her on edge, looking out for any of the men from the Hatter’s auditions. None of them seem to have spread out to the hotel or taken up causing trouble, so she’s able to finish up work with little trouble. Other than a moment of annoyance when she makes Ichinomiya his precious coffee. 

“You guys wanna get drinks?” Chisato asks as they’re leaving the locker room. 

“You sure that’s a great idea with little miss pervert here?” Sakiko points a thumb in Tsuneko’s direction, a hint of pink in her cheeks. 

“I’m not up for it anyway, so don’t worry.” She playfully shoves her as they leave out the back entrance. With the stress of the Hatter’s little auditions, this is the kind of night meant for cozy pajamas and ferret cuddles. 

Chisato and Sakiko wave a bye to Tsuneko as they venture off towards the bar, her towards the dorms. Her steps halt, who’s outside the dorms? It’s a younger man, mess of auburn hair and green gold eyes, leaning against the building. A moment passes by before she realizes where she’s seen him before, he was one of the men interviewing with the Hatter. What on earth is he still doing here?

“Hey!” She yells out as she marches over towards the guy. 

“You really do yell a lot, don’t you?” He comments, raising an eyebrow at her. 

“What are you still doing here? I told you to go home.” 

“And why would I do that?” 

“’Cause there’s literally no reason for you to be here.” 

“What’s the deal with the dude in the basement?” He asks suddenly and it’s like ice water’s been dumped on her. Of course, there had to be one person who stuck it out to ask questions. 

“That’s none of your business.”

“Alice, was it?” 

“Tsuneko, now go home.”

“I’m Hachirou, look, if I can’t make a buck off of this, I at least wanna know what the hell is going on,” he pleads as she’s opening the door to the complex. 

“Go home and stop answering craigslist ads, it’s dangerous.” 

With that she disappears into the complex, heading to her own dorm. Once there, she peeks out the window, watching as Hachirou finally takes his leave. She clutches her good luck charm and hopes that will be the end of it, for his sake more than her own. 

[queenlegacyproductions]

Mad Phoenix Rising (1)

Summary: Life in crime is never easy, especially when you’re a woman. But Riley, along with her fellow triplet sisters, Michelle and Jordan, managed to hold down their own territory in the state of Michigan in the heart of Detroit to establish the group known as The Carter Cartel. A few years later after leaving the cartel, Riley’s now caught in the heart of a civil war between humans and androids. What happens when She is forced to choose between the badge she swore to wield to protect her own kind or the oath made between her sisters to protect those the government deems dangerous to their order?

A/N: Hey, guys. It’s Riley here. I am back from the dead once again as I will be posting this story on my ao3 as well under QueenLegacyProductions. Here’s hoping that I can remain active as I was. But I hope you enjoy!

February 10, 2036

I never asked for this. I never wanted to be a part of a mob, let alone control one, but when circumstances and situations called for it, here I am. Here I am, bum rushing the hideout of Maxwell Two Face, the current boss of the Barthel Mafia. You know, the group that formed and ran Detroit back in the 1920s alongside Chicago. Yeah, that one. I think it’s safe to say that the faction has made a great deal of history here in the great city of Detroit.

History that I’m about to rewrite.

I chased down Maxwell to the rooftop of the building. He popped a few shots at me which caused me to duck behind the metal air duct. I smirked when I heard the gun click empty and him swear. I come out of my hiding spot, TEC-9 in my hand as I point it at him.

“Nowhere to run now, Maxwell.” I said , gun locked on him. “It’s over. I’m taking over Detroit and everything in it.”

“You won’t get far in your success, Carter.” Maxwell spat at me. “The mafia will come back for revenge.”

“Only way that happens is someone found a way to revive the dead.” I stopped to think. “Speakin’ of which, thanks for reminding me.”

“Reminding yo-?” Maxwell was unable to finish his question due to the huge amounts of bullets currently riddling him as I emptied the clip into his chest. I hear footsteps rush up the stairs as I tucked the TEC into my side when my baby sister, Jordan busted through the door with her M16 assault rifle in her hands, aiming it.

“Oh.” She said as she relaxed her stance, holding her gun by her side when she noticed Maxwell’s dead body by my feet. “You didn’t need my help at all.”

“Yes, I do. Call clean up crew and have them sweep up the area for evidence before the cops show. I don’t want anything to trail back to us.” I said as I took the rifle from her.

Jordan nodded her head. “All right. I’ll call Michelle while I’m at it. Tell her to round up the troops to spread the news of the city’s newest boss.”

“Tell her to be easy.” I told her. “I don’t want the people to think I’m another Maxwell. After all, that’s the reason why we’re doing this.”

“You got it, boss.” She responded as she walked away downstairs. I looked out towards the view of the downtown area, the Cyberlife tower standing out over the buildings like the big gem of a royal crown before I heard a thud near me. I drew the rifle, aiming towards the noise.

“Please, don’t shoot!” I see someone kneeling down with their hands together, pleading with me. I take notice of his clothing.

That jacket. With the blue triangle and armband.

An android? Here?

“State your model.” I commanded it.

“LM100.” The android trembled. I relax my stance a little with the gun still trained on him.

“What is an android doing here, an anti-android facility?” I questioned with a quirked eyebrow.

“I was taken from my original owner. She was killed by that man there.” He points to Maxwell’s dead body. “ Said I would be destroyed if I didn’t cooperate.”

I let his story process in my head for a few moments before I asked, “Do you have a name?” I lowered the gun.

The android lowered his hands when I put the gun on my back. “Austin.” I saw his LED go from yellow to a calm blue.

“Ok, Austin. You’re free to go.” I gestured to the rooftop door. He doesn’t move. “Go on. Get out of here.”

“Ma’am, I don’t have anywhere to go. And- And if I go to Cyberlife, I’d be destroyed.” Austin panicked.

“Well, what do you want me to do?” I shrugged.

“Let me work for you. I can do anything you want. Cook, clean,-.”

“Be my liaison.” I cut him off.

“What?”

“Be my liaison.” I said. I approached him when I noticed his head tilt to the side, LED yellow again in confusion. “See, I realize that I’m gonna be taking over Detroit’s criminal underworld and I won’t be able to be at two places at once.”

“So you need me to act on your behalf.” Austin buts in which makes me click my tongue in agreement before I go downstairs. “Excuse me, miss?” He asked me when he followed me. “What is your name?” I stopped on the stairs, pausing before I took at him.

“Riley. Riley Carter.”

Get Familiar with that name too, Ladies and Gentlemen, for I am Queen Shit of Detroit’s crime underworld.

…for now,at least.

~///~

August 17, 2036…..Six Months Later

“And it seems like the temperature in Detroit is looking to warm up…” Riley hears the weatherman on the T.V. drone on as she looked over the weekly income schedule that Jordan dropped off when she came to give her the week’s pay and that week’s finance log. She noticed that this week’s income was about $50 million as she predicted since she knew that nothing moves without her knowledge.

After Riley and the team disposed of Maxwell and the last of his mob, they managed to not only take over the drug distribution and supply that Barthel had but Riley took it a step further and expanded the business to some parts of Illinois, mainly Chicago, her hometown. As of right now, everything from gunrunning to even drug trafficking of weed and cocaine and every other drug in between moves under the Carters’ control. Riley thought it’d be better this way. The crew could keep an eye out to make sure it doesn’t give into the wrong hands.

Last thing she wanted is for some poor soul to OD on her product.

‘A mobster with mortals.’ Michelle, her younger sister, called her. Couldn’t really call her a liar. After all, Riley has been proving it true. While she and Michelle were getting the criminal aspect of the business together, Austin and Jordan believed that the girls could really establish dominance of the city if they had their hand in community related investments. Investments like city construction, so Austin managed to not only get Riley’s hands on potential construction blueprints but she also has some construction workers on her payroll as well. The team had this set up in motion because one of the city’s problems - or rather the nation’s problems - was homelessness due to high rent and low minimum wage.

‘There’s evidence of a trend where most humans that develop an drug or alcohol addiction are those that are in poverty and without a home.’ Austin stated in one family meeting.

‘That’s because drugs are cheaper and easier to obtain.’ Michelle said. ‘With it being in the streets because of small timers.’

‘And those bastards don’t give a damn who they hurt or strongarm as long as they’re getting paid.’ Riley stated. ‘Thankfully, that’s changing but what isn’t these broken families that are still on the streets. They need a place to go.’

Which led the team to make plans for better, affordable housing to the working class who struggled to make ends meet. They also made donations to the schools so the kids can properly learn.

‘Kids shouldn’t be in an environment, let alone a learning one, without the proper tools.’ Riley were the words she spoke that day on the subject of one of the team’s many city side projects. Yes, Riley was truly becoming a woman for the people.

“And the biggest threat of Detroit, The Mad Phoenix, Riley Carter is still at large within the city even though DPD has been cracking down on the sex trafficking ring within the state of Michigan.”

“If only they knew that it was actually you that was leaving them an anonymous care package about the trafficking ring.” Austin said as he stood in the doorway with her iced coffee in his hand. Riley gestures for him to step further into her office as she closed the folder she was viewing before muting the TV.

“We know the truth. The news and the police department want to paint me as the bad guy, despite the fact that the only reason they even knew about the ring was because everyone kept blowing up the office’s phones with information.” She gestures to the phones. “Because the people trust me to protect their identities more than the ones swore to protect and serve. But it’s fine.” She puts her hands up in surrender. “It has a bit of merit but let’s be honest here, the streets have never been safer.”

“I’m sensing that there’s a ‘but’ in that statement.” Austin put the coffee on her desk. Riley takes it, sipping out of it.

“Because there is one.” She sighed. “I’m worried.”

“Worried?”

“Yeah, worried.” Riley stood up, taking the file she was reading and handed it to him. “Read that.”

Austin looks over the file, LED yellow and blinking before it turns red. “Riley, these are-.”

“Yeah.” She nodded.

“And what do the girls think about this?”

~///~

“I think it’s suicidal.” Michelle said when they joined together during the meeting Riley called that afternoon. “Granted with the plan we have laid out, This could work but it just seems a bit much for just a hobby.”

“This coming from the woman that broke into a military base because she wanted the half-track truck that was there.” Jordan said with a sassy look towards her older sister.

“That was different.”

“You almost got blown up by a tank.”

“Ladies, argue about that later. Right now, let’s focus on this.” Riley called for their attention.

“Which is?” Michelle asked.

“Cyberlife warehouses. I willingly to bet that in a year, there are gonna be more androids made available to the public and those parts don’t come cheap.”

“So what? We’re hijacking parts from Cyberlife to feel that need?”

“Only enough until we can make the parts ourselves.” Riley said, which made Michelle raise an eyebrow.

“Why do I feel like there’s something that you’re not telling me?”

“Because there’s something you’re not asking.” Riley sassed her before she sighed deeply. “Listen, if we do this right, we all can benefit from this, not just me. Times are changing. Society is slowly but surely accepting androids. Machines that are faster and stronger, as well as highly expensive. We’re trying to make it easier on the working class, remember? Or have y’all forgotten the oath?”

“No.” Both Jordan and Michelle answered her.

“Ok, then. So what do you think?” There was a pregnant pause after Riley’s question. Michelle leans back in her chair, putting her feet up on the table.

“So….When do we start?”

A/N:  Hey, you made it to the end! Thanks so much for reading. I appreciate it. Leave some comments. Let me know how I’m doing. Thanks!

[dixonministry]

If I Ruled The World

The world would be quite a bit different if I were its supreme dictator. Oh yes, I am in favor of a dictatorship, as long as that dictator is me! And here's how it would go. 

A few disclaimers before we begin: 1) Keep your expectations low when you read this. You won’t like everything I list but you won’t hate it all either. This is due to me being neither a liberal or a conservative solely but rather bits and pieces of each. 2) I am making this rant for my own entertainment and the entertainment of the few people who enjoy it when I rant. I am not making this in hopes of starting a debate on what is right or wrong, stupid or smart. If I sound like an idiot to you, cool. Let me sound like an idiot in peace! With that said, keep your lame ass argumentative comments out of my inbox. Thanks. Ok on with the rant!

First of all, I'd have to setup a single worldwide government. The current rulers of all current nations would become representatives of their respective countries on my World Senate. Of course, being a dictator I don't really need a Senate, but it's nice to have. As long as they know that anything they decide can get shit-canned by me, then it's all good. Not Bush though. And definitely not T.rump. I would pass a law that no-one in the Bush/T.rump family is ever allowed to enter politics ever again. I'd make 0bama the President again so he could be the American Senator, cuz I liked him.  It goes without saying that I'd first pass all sorts of Youth Rights laws. Every age-based law would be abolished and replaced by laws that actually make sense. For example, the driving age would get axed and be replaced by a more rigorous driving test. In fact, we have way too many stupid drivers out there as it is, so the WHOLE driving test would have to be retaken by everyone. I would bring back beheading as the favorite execution style. Lethal Injections are for pussies. What the fuck is scary about getting a shot that puts you to sleep? Fuck no, if you did something bad enough that you deserve to die, you're gonna lose your head, bitch! Murderers get the death penalty, period. No life imprisonments for assholes who kill people. You kill someone, you die, that's all. (Note: DP would however only occur with a substantial amount of concrete evidence) Rapists get the death penalty. If she said no, then it's NO, motherfucker.  If you beat your kids, you get put in chains in the middle of Times Square and people can pay $1 for one punch or kick. The beatings stop when someone draws blood (cuz we don't wanna kill your ass). On the 3rd offense, an angry mob gets to beat your ass into a coma. If you come out of it, your kids can decide whether you should live or die. If you molest a kid, whatever part of your body touched them gets painted with acid. Then you go to the chopping block! If you steal from someone, you lose your rights and freedom for 1 year and become your victim's endentured servant. On the 3rd offense, you will work until you have paid for 10 times the value of the item stolen or for 5 years, whichever comes first. Marijuana is legal in Salt’s World. It will be tightly regulated and heavily taxed, because if you're gonna be a pothead, you're gonna fucking pay for it. Growing your own shit or selling it without a license will be considered stealing from the government and you get the punishment for theft (see above). Drunk drivers get no chances. First offense of drunk driving means you lose your license for life, in theory. I say "in theory" because it will work sort of like a life sentence in prison works. You can be brought up for "parole" and a committee will assess whether you deserve to get your license back. Such assessments will occur once every 10 years. If you beat your wife, I annul your marriage and place a restraining order against you. I don't care if she gives me that brainwashed crying bullshit "but he loves me, he didn't mean it, really he doesn't abuse me." You hit her, you lose her, and that's final. I will have my government scientists figure out an alternative to abortion that everyone can live with. Preferably, I'd like to see us be able to remove an embryo and continue to grow it in a lab. People who're trying to adopt always want babies and they always have to wait years for one. Not anymore. Furthermore, it seems that adoption is frowned upon due to it being so difficult to get approved and those who do get approved have a predisposition for choosing pretty, white INFANTS. Under my control, a new process will be drawn up to make it not only easier to adopt regardless of sexuality, marital status, etc but make it so that people don’t get to “select” which child they want. First come, first given, end of story. If you really want a child, you wouldn’t be that gdamn picky anyway. If you don’t want your child, that’s fine and well. We will literally take it out of your stomach (same concept as aborting) and grow it for you. Real abortions will only be allowed if a health risk to either mother or child comes up. This is how I would attempt to find middle ground, a compromise if you will. My government will fund cloning research. I want to be able to clone stem cells and body parts. If this can be done, maybe sick and dying patients won't have to wait year after year for suitable donors. In a world where everyone is part of the same government, there's not much need for massive armies. A global police force will be instituted as the next step above Federal officers. So, it would go, local cops, state cops, federal cops, global cops. Without an army to feed, clothe, etc. a shitload of money would be freed up to make people's lives better. There won't be anymore fucking hunger in my world. Every single farm worldwide will be required by law to give 5% of their yearly output to the government for distribution to the poor. They will, of course, receive a humongous tax break for doing this and any farm that voluntarily gives in excess of 15% will pay no taxes at all. Yes, I know this will make the cost of food rise globally. Too bad. You pay a dollar more for your T-bone and you can just cry about it, but at least some little Ethiopian can have some fucking potatoes that night. And in retrospect, under my administration, the percentage of poor people in the world should lower dramatically if not disappear altogether if you play your cards right. But until this global shitshow is corrected, that’s what would have to happen. Medicine will no longer be big business. All wealthy citizens under my rule will see a tax increase, which will pay for everyone's healthcare. No more private insurance companies, it's going government-issue, baby! And, by the way, under my rule the words "government issue" won't be a synonym for "piss poor." No one should be groaning about this because the minimum wage will also see an increase to an actual living wage proportional to the cost of living that will make workers and their families happy and also boost consumer sales, thus increasing the profits of businesses everywhere. The lack of insurance plans employers now have to provide for their employees will free up some of that extra cash. We're dismantling nuclear weapons and using their radioactive components as fuel. What the fuck do we need nukes for when all the world is united under one government? I will pass a law stating once and for all that all sentient life on this planet is entitled to equal treatment and protection under the law and that no law may be passed which contradicts this. Gay marriage: Legal. If you file a stupid lawsuit, we throw you in jail for 3 months. This includes suing the tobacco industry when you're the one who lit up 50 times a day for 30 years, moron. You also can't sue because you're fat. Watch what you eat and exercise if it bothers you so much! I will force Microsoft, Apple, and all those Google people to work together and create "The Uber OS." It'll run Windows programs and Mac programs (all versions) and Google programs (all flavors). All the drivers will work interchangeably. They will all be told that if the OS ever crashes, they each lose a family member! Mwahahahahaha. (kidding obvs). Every citizen will be allowed to carry a sidearm, as long as the sidearm is worn in plain view (like the old west). Every citizen carrying a gun had better remember the price they'll pay for murder. Unless it's self defense or defense of another's life, don't pull that gun! Significant resources will be diverted to build subway systems. City-wide, State-wide, Nation-wide, and World-wide systems will be built. Any system that is Interstate or beyond must be supersonic. The World-wide system must reach speeds of Mach 2 or greater (don't try standing up on the train, bitch!). The purpose of this subway network will not only be to facilitate free travel across the globe, but also to provide countless millions of new jobs that should adequately handle our planet's homelessness and unemployment problems. I should've mentioned taxes earlier, but here it is. The worldwide tax brackets will be as follows: everyone making 10k or less will owe 12% (you can omit the extra 2% with a financial hardship exemption form but it should be noted that no full-time adult worker should be making that much under my leadership so this should be doable without a person’s quality of life taking a hit), everyone making between 10,001-99,999 will owe 15%, everyone making $100k-$200k will owe 30%. Everyone over 200k will owe 50%. Surely you don't think the money for all these great improvements is just gonna fall from the sky? Recycling will become mandatory. We throw away far too much shit. Why chop down a rainforest when there's enough paper in a city dump to fill a library 10 times over?! We will also have to become far less dependent on fossil fuels. I'll work out a timetable for eventually outlawing fossil fuels in favor of electric, solar, and nuclear power. Go back to that city dump and imagine how many atoms are sitting their going to waste when we could be smashing them and reaping the benefits. Prison overcrowding? No problem! Legalizing weed and making drugs a medical issue instead of a criminal one should take care of this problem for the most part and as for the rest, well, Antarctica is just sitting there not doing a damn thing, it's time we put it to use. Remember the penal colony "Rura Penthe" from Star Trek VI? Yup, it'll be something like that. No guard towers, no fence, nothing. If you wanna escape, go ahead. You'll just freeze to death, idiot. Otherwise, you'll stay right there in prison and serve out your sentence. Imagine how many new jobs a prison that size will create? And the cost of feeding them will be negligible. They'll have giant heated greenhouses for growing everything they eat. They don't work to grow it, they don't eat. In other words, a prison sentence means you serve your time as a farmer in the middle of frozen fucking nowhere. Jon Stewart will be appointed as my press secretary. At least all my press releases will have the whole world laughing their asses off. Minimum Wage will be increased to $12.50/hr. I think Ronald McDonald can afford to buy used overhauls for a while so that his employees don't have to shop at the Salvation Army. Corruption in government would be gone. No one is allowed to spend more than $500 on their election campaigns. They can put up a fucking website and do grassroots shit. That way there's no big corporate donations and shit to deal with. Plus, politicians are gonna become like preachers: We give them a place to live and a minimal salary, that's it. No big bucks, no fancy cars, nothing. It's not gonna be about the money. All the money we cut from politicians can go to teachers, cops, firemen, etc. Y'know, the government employees who actually fucking DO something worthwhile and give back to society. Pro Athletes get capped at $90,000/yr. None of this being a rich bastard because you play a fucking game. Maybe then, only people who LOVE the sport and DON'T corrupt it will find their way in. Just like with the politicians, when it's not about the money only people who actually give a fuck will want the job. Ninety grand a year is still a damn good salary. It's not like they'll be poor. The RIAA and MPAA will be told once and for all to shut the fuck up about Peer-to-Peer. They should've jumped on the bandwagon when it got rolling, now they can just suck it up. By the way, musicians and actors are capped at $60,000/yr. They can still have the royalties on their music, movies, concerts, commercial deals, etc. Wouldn't be fair to take that away from them. However, the industry will still be encouraged to develop better copyright protection methods so that all the true geeks can still enjoy the immense thrill of breaking a copyright protection scheme only days after it's implemented. They've gotta have something to do on a dateless Saturday night. Wouldn't want to rob them of that. We'll be having a government-sponsored betting pool on how long it takes the industry to figure out that copyright protection is fucking useless (they spend years developing some new state-of-the-art system and once it's released, a 13yo breaks it in 2 days... get a clue). SPAM will be made illegal! The punishment for spamming is 5 years in the Antarctic Prison Colony! I think that just about covers the basics. Of course, I could probably go on all fucking night with this shit, but if I kept going I'd never get this rant posted. Just know that there's like a billion more cool things I'd do. I might just have to make a sequel to this rant. Until then....... Salt for president 2020.