#mlm leader

[metadynamisblog]

Every small step you take today will have a big impact on your future 🙏

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Bonus 8: How met your mother (CSSR design by @qourmet!)

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[malereadermaniac]

Pokéboys and their dicks + extra - male reader intended

Characters: Blue, Red, Morty, Brawly, Norman, Adaman, Volkner, Marlon, Kukui, Raihan + bonus charas (- All characters aged up!) Top!Characters x Bottom!Reader word count: 2.1k Kink warnings:pubic hair, marking and hickeys, scent kinks (INCLUDING MUSK AND SWEAT!!), armpits, feet, body worship, public, size diff Nsfw / MDNI ~ amab m!reader / FDNI

Blue

Blue's quite slim, so his dick is loooong

Solid 8 inches, but not very thick

Uncut, with a few veins

He loves when you play with his foreskin using your tongue

He's got a bit of a bush, not too wild but enough to stuff your nose when Blue pushes you down on his whole dick

Blue's balls aren't massive, but they sag just the right amount

His dick matches his attitude, he acts big so his dick is big

His attitude can switch up in the bedroom though

Blue can go from a cocky bastard to whimpering into your ear, acting like he needs your body, your kisses to live

But when his attitude is carried into the bedroom, you two go on for a while, Blue won't stop until your ass is imprinted with the shape if his cock

He also loves to kiss you all over, and Blue fucking loves it when you kiss and lick him everywhere

Especially his muscles

His ego gets a massive boost when you call him strong or manly while kissing his strong arms or abs

Red

Red's quite average

Around 5-6 inches, but he's very girthy

Fucking hell he fills you up so good

Red likes to keep his hair down there tidy, so he only has a very thin bush if you can even call it that

His balls as tight but big, makes sense because Red cums a LOT

Red covers you in cum every time the two of you fuck, you love it tho, especially after blowing him

And Red fucking loves to watch you choke and play with his copious amounts of cum on your face and in your mouth

You'd look gross to anyone else but to Red you couldn't look any hotter

He's quiet during sex for sure, like always

But it just let's you hear his primal noises that me makes while he fucks you hard

You can just hear heavy breathing and grunts into your ear while Red listens to your sexy moans

It's a win-win situation

Morty

Morty is massive

His dick suits his build as well, having a sleeper build you wouldn't expect his dick to be huge

He must of used some ghost voodoo to get that fucking huge

He's easily 10 inches, but he isn't crazy thick, so your not getting slowly killed with each of morty's thrusts but you are getting fucked within an inch if death for sure

His dick isn't very veiny, just one or two, but his tip is suuuper sensitive

Morty loves it when you focus on his dickhead, and he precums so much it's almost funny

His balls sag a lot, so he likes it when you cup them and play with them when you blow him

He's also wild with his public hair, it tufts out of his saggy bottoms all of the time

And it smells so musky whenever you blow him

Morty also fucking LOVES marking you and giving you hickeys when you fuck

In the most obvious places but also in private places that feel good for you in the moment

He likes to see how deep he can make the shade of purple before you whine in pain and pleasure

Bite marks all over your shoulders and thighs

And in turn you scratch his back until you almost draw blood, which turns Morty on soooo much

Brawly

He's quite average, just under 6 inches and a normal thickness

But Brawly doesn't care if he doesn't have the biggest dick ever, he REALLY makes it work

Since he's always working out in some way, Brawly's balls are always super saggy, and he's always sweaty in the best way

He has a big thing for smells and you smelling him

His public hair is out of control, as well as his armpits, he loves to push your head against his hairy regions and have you bath in his musk

He smells so manly it turns the both of you on

Brawly also has a thing for his feet, he likes to have then out as much as he can

He always suggests you lick and worship them, and on special occasions you do and he cums so quick

All of his body smells manly in such a good way, from top to bottom

Norman

His dick is above average, solid 7 inches

He's quite thick too, makes sense for his muscular build

His balls are slightly saggy and hairy

His whole body is covered in thin black hair, very manly

His pubes are quite well trimmed, kept in a nice shape and thin

Norman loves to hear you gag on his dick, and he likes to his pubes stick to the side of your mouth while he fucks your face

Rimming is a huge thing for Norman too

He likes to get up in your whole and make it his

His tongue is so thick as well, and so wet and warm

Norman basically fucks you with his tongue and enjoys the sounds you make while he tastes you

He also fucking lives blowing you, your dick smaller than his in comparison, he likes to smell your dick and engulf it in his mouth

Norman listens to your whines and out if control moans while he slobbers all over your dick

Somehow managing to take your whole dick AND your ball in his mouth

It feels so incredible, especially when he rims you, then moves to blowing you while fingering your now loose and wet hole

Norman also fucks like a mad man, like a dog in heat

His dick pounding your prostate, forcing your tongue out of your mouth while you slobber on his pillows

Adaman

This man is big

Not massive

But very much enough to go above and beyond

He's of course uncut (doubt they did circumcisions back then)

His foreskin isn't tight at all but it's soo long

Also, he obviously doesn't shave, so he's a monster all over

Adaman's body hair is wild, his armpits are bushy, his arms and legs are naturally littered with thin blue hairs and his pubes are a fucking forest

His balls are always saggy and hang loose under his garments since Adaman is almost always commando

His dick is also quite thick, enough to make you scream his name

Which Adaman loves

He's got quite the thing for public sex

There weren't any laws against that, so he's used to having a small audience from time to time

And he loves to have others hear how he makes you sound

His dick also REEKS of his musk, and it intoxicates you every time you blow him

He loves to watch as you smell him like he's some drug, his dick always boiling hot and moist with his sweat and smell

It fucks you up so good

Volkner

His dick is just over 5 inches

His balls are tight, and no matter how much he tries to maintain his pubes they always get out of hand

Volkner is cut and his dick is veinless, but that doesn't mean he isn't sensitive as HELL

You're the light of his life, since he's almost depresses, you make his life better

In a normal and in a sexual way

Volkner can only get it up for you, which turns you on so much

And don't let the fact that his dick is below average, or that he's sensitive fool you

This man is a Dom all the way!

He praises you when you blow him and orders you to strip at any given moment

His hands are rough and you have plenty of marks from his spankings

His muscular build really helps as well

He let's you grab onto his built arms to ground yourself while you cum

And he likes to watch you lick your cum off of his abs afterwards

Everything this man does sexually had a dom undertone

Marlon

Pretty average dick, solid 6 inches

7 on a good day

Marlon's curtains very much do match the drapes, his pubes are also shaped similarly to his hair

His dick isn't tanned, so it's quite funny to see how his tan cuts off and his dick is shinning white and pinkish

But fuck is his tan soo hot, his tan lines so erotic

Marlon's balls are always tight too, being in water constantly really not helping him there

His dick is smooth with few veins, and Marlon is sensitive all over

Not just on his dick but his whole body

This man whines and whimpered when you kiss him all over

It's so hot, especially when your riding him and Marlon is whimpering in your ear

Your name all he can say

Kukui

Fucking hell this man is massive

Kukui is a solid 10 inches and fucking thick too

His dick is dark and veiny, both your hands can't fully cover it

It suits his huge body too, his muscles absolutely out of this world

Which really sets Kukui up nicely for his thing for body worship

He adores it when you worship his Greek god of a body

He flexes all his muscles, arms behind his head while you lick, kiss, smell and praise your boyfriend's body

He call you names from time to time which turns you on more while worshiping his body

He likes to sit you on his lap, his huge thighs holding you up while his rough, big hands roam your body

And holy fuck Kukui loves to fuck you in positions in which he can he his dick force your belly to bulge

His massive cock making a slight bump in your stomach while he ravages you

The view turning him on more and boosting his ego

Kukui pushes on the bump, making you writhe in pleasure and moan loudly

The sight is one that he'll remember forever, Kukui lives his massive cock and so do you

Raihan

He's just above average, a good 7 inches

Uncut and veiny with loooooose foreskin

Raihan fucking loves it when you lick his veins and under his foreskin

He's a cocky cunt with a huge ego, and that translates very well for sex with this guy

Raihans super into worship and praise

He loves to fuck after matches he's won, in the locker rooms, making you lick him clean and smell his "manly, winning scent"

He pushes you onto the ground and steps on your face and dick with his bare, dirty, sweaty feet and laughs as you whine and moan and lick

Raihan also fucking loves to make out

His tongue toys with yours and forces whines out of your mouth that make his dick twitch

His balls as always saggy, he likes to make you lick them and smell them, placing them in your face and telling you to worship his manly musk

His pubes are never cut, he loves to watch you struggle to breath with them stuffing your nose and likes to see them stuck to the side of your mouth as you swallow his cum

Raihan fucks you so rough and hard, making you worship his body while he fucks you

But he isn't horrible, he praises you a lot and worships your body as well

Running his hands over your body and calling you beautiful while he re-arranges your guts

He calls you pretty, lifts your arms and smells you all over, he likes to make you his

Your smell is his, your body, your voice

He fucks you like a rag-doll that only belongs to him

Short Bonuses:

Gladion (aged up!!!!!!!!)

Below average, poor guy is barely 5 inches

But he makes up for it by being good with his hands and tongue

Quite a lot of public hair, slightly darker than his blonde hair

Leon

He's just a bit bigger than raihan (so fucking massive)

He's thick and veiny, and loves to bottom out inside you, watching you squirm and writhe in pain that slowly turns to pleasure

Guiding you through it with sweet words and praise

Milo

Only around 6 inches, but fucking hell is this man thick

He apologises so much, but he needs to be inside you

He watches tears fall from your eyes from the pain and says sorry over and over but his hips keep pounding into you

His dad body crushes you while he fucks you senseless

Jacques

Very average, 6 inches

He's uncut with a loose foreskin and saggy balls

His pubes are out of control and he rarely showers

So he smells so fucking musky and manly

His dick tastes so good you can never get enough

And he's so shy about it, he apologises and blushes like a little sub when you blow his dick and swallow his cum

[strongerthanweak]

lineup . heights aren't rlly accurate I think idfk

each individually + notes

ive.... realized I froogt Archie's chain + the full "x" on his face . Tweaking but im tired so it's too late now uhm

- Archie : sharko from um that silent French cartoon was on my mind whjle doing him + fhe random unreasonably hot cartoon characters they have to redesign for beinf too hot

- Cyrus : Gothic . Grim from grim adventures of Billy & Mandy . slight sasha nein influence from psychonauts shrug

- Lysandre : "him" from Powerpuff girls + Milla nd her dance party section from psychonauts (ignore the connection between sasha n milla ...( . Made him look slightly more like pyroar

- Lusamine : no character inflcuence but I just wanted to bring the jellyfish thing out more & build her silhouette around that while still looking kinda older maybe . Details of her masters outfit was added

[cxrsedeclipse]

Had to write something, a short fic about Drayden… Man this guy’s such a DILF I swear 😭

DRAYDEN — Lost a battle, time for ‘consequences’

Warnings: anal, oral, pet names, sex as ‘punishment’ for losing, very vanilla, mention of slight violence (Pokémon battle), cream pie

Pairing: Drayden x M!Reader

Overview: You bet Drayden that he couldn’t beat you in a Pokémon battle and that if he did, you’d let him have sex with you, and oh boy were you wrong…

You really wondered how you got into this situation… your pants and boxers removed, lying on your shared bed with Drayden only in your hoodie. You had thought you and [your ace Pokémon] could beat Drayden and his Haxorus, but hell were you wrong. His Haxorus absolutely beat [your ace], fair and square too. “Alright my beloved… you know I won’t force you, so do tell if something bothers you, okay?”, Drayden spoke with a soft and warm tone. You nodded as Drayden got on top of you and sat on your chest, gently taking ahold of his dick and putting it on your lips. “Open up, please?” The way he asked was just too adorable… he really was a keeper. You opened your mouth and took him into your mouth, sucking on his tip. No sound really came from Drayden, he just closed his eyes. He was quiet in sex as he found sounds a bit… shameful. He just let out a sigh as he felt your warm, puffy lips around him. “You’re so good at this, my love…”, he praised, caressing the back of your head. “Mind taking more…?”, he asked softly, and without hesitation, you leaned forward so much that you took him deep in your throat, which earned you a groan from him. “Agh… love, isn’t that too much?”, he asked, a bit concerned since he wasn’t exactly small either. You shook your head and continued your actions, expertly taking his whole shaft. “Love… not gonna last much longer…” You continued anyway, wanting him to just let go, and he did, hot cum spurting down your throat. You basically swallowed automatically due to how deep he was.

Drayden pulled out of your mouth, taking your face in both his big hands and caressing your cheeks with his thumbs. “Are you okay…?”, he asked softly. You nodded, a bit out of breath. “Yeah, yeah… I’m okay.. I’m pretty sure I’m ready for the real thing..”, you said. Drayden nodded and put his hands from your cheeks to your waist, gently turning you onto your stomach, putting his big hands on your asscheeks and massaging them as he lined himself up, his cock still covered in his own cum. He pushed in gently, slowly pushing the length in, his cum acting as lube. It was a good stretch, your hole getting stretched by a lot. He made sure to move slowly, pumping his cock in and out of you in an angle that always squished his tip against your prostate. He continued his movements, listening to every little moan, groan or sigh you made while kissing your back and keeping his thrusts in check. He eventually met his climax, cumming hard in you with a sigh. When he pulled out, your hole was clenching around nothing, his cum slowly flowing out the opening. Drayden then fell beside you on the bed, wrapping his arms around you. “Thanks for all this, hun…”, he murmured tiredly. He was massaging your body and caressing gently, now it came to his famous after-care…

[thehappiestgolucky]

you understand my vision, yes?

[paper-rips]

homosexuals

[rickydirigo]

Hassel and Brassius are just too cute I love them

Im open for commissions, check out my info here thanks !! https://wbchris.wixsite.com/commissions

[dabeywabeys]

sum comms

[mejomonster]

I may post a bunch about authoritarian thinking later, and how to combat it, but some short important points for anyone: if you think like an authoritarian it means you tend to think in terms of black/white, tend to obey and believe people you consider your leaders and tend to view the world as your own in-group and then outgroups (which you may want dead/not care what happens to them/hate them), you struggle to think critically and empathize, and ignoring the many ways this authoritarian thinking hurts society at large and yourself - importantly, authoritarian thinking leaves you EXTREMELY vulnerable to con artists and cruel leaders because once someone gets into a leadership position in your in-group you tend to trust and obey them. Even if they hurt you, abuse you, lie to you. So a big reason to work on changing your own authoritarian thinking, is to HELP YOU PROTECT YOURSELF and IMPROVE your own safety and situation. You will be able to spot con artists and abusers easier, and protect yourself from them hurting you, if you work on changing your authoritarian thinking a bit. In addition, if you care about your in-group (the group of people you identify with) and your in-group views you as part of it (for example: you're in-group is a church and the church members value your partocipation), then you learning to think in more flexible ways will allow you to both save yourself from abusers AND convince your in-group to stop following an abusive leader and switch to a better one for the group. Win win.

Key ways you can work on your own tendencies toward authoritarian thinking: learn how to empathize with various people, learn how to think critically, and expose yourself to a variety of enviornments/viewpoints/experiences.

For empathy, easy ways to start include: get a pet and practice caring about that pet, read books and practice caring about a character, volunteer in a place outside your in-group (so if you go to church, volunteer at a school or library or theater or fair or daycare or soup kitchen) and practice appreciating the process of helping people outside the in-group. Getting a pet and reading can be some of the easiest initial things you can do. Trying to make new friends and acquaintances with people outside your in-group may also help: talking to a child, coworker, classmate, stramger at grocery store or fair, with respect (such as asking what their favorite toy or show is, why, practicing caring about what makes them happy, practicing interacting with people even when you don't immediately get some tangible thing from them), practice talking with people without arguing or starting a conflict (and if they argue first, it's okay to leave the conversation entirely, at least for a while just try practicing Not Fighting sometimes). Practice listening to people to get to know them (including people in your in-group you may not know well), and be curious about their experiences and the differences/similarity to you as all interesting and not necessarily bad or good (so if you went to public school and they went to private school, hold off on making a judgement about it and just be curious about what their experience was like). On a more surface level, if people like a different musician or actor than you, be curious about what they like and try to imagine why someone might appreciate what they do (you don't have to like that band too, but practice trying to understand why someone else likes it). Its the idea of "imagine you were in someone else's shoes," and having pets, reading about characters unlike you, and getting to know people and their unique experiences helps you practice doing that. Along with practicing holding off on judgement, especially on simple basic things to start: for example trying not to jump to black/white good bad thinking over what people in your group and outside it do... in terms of say what they eat, or the music they like, or their clothes. So if you tend to decide everyone who doesnt go to your church is evil, practice maybe viewing a person with the same religion as you but who goes to a different church as neutral and someone who maybe just never knew your church existed or was raised in a different city and so their life experience may simply have been different - but that doesnt automatically make them evil, just for being born in a different city and not knowing about your specific church existing yet.

To expose yourself to more experiences and people: again consider volunteering at an event outside of your in-group, start a new hobby and join a new discord or fandom group or in-person meet up, go to a new bar or coffee place or grocery store and have small talk, take a class in the community, go to fairs and community events, go to an event in a nearby but different community (like a fair in the next county, a concert, a play you'd like to see). Any new hobby or interest that allows you to meet new people and ask them about their experience with the hobby/interest will help, and you'll help them as you share your own experiences. Even just the act of exploring new possible interests will help you, as you will not have a judgement yet on what you like/dislike and will get to practice deciding what parts of the interest you enjoy and don't based on your experiences. So experience new things, and listen to other people's experiences while being open to letting yourself enjoy things others may dislike, and letting yourseld dislike things others may like. Practice listening to others without automatically assuming their opinion/experience is good/bad (or that there is a good/bad at all, preference for cheeze pizza versus pepperoni can just be two neutral choices which are both fine) or going to be the same for you (you may feel much differently than others and thats fine), practice trying new things where you're allowed to try multiple different ways without any way being particularly good/bad (this is to practice thinking in more varied ways: you're allowed to make 3 different cookie recipes and find each of them yummy and yet not perfect, you're allowed to dislike all 3 recipes but appreciate that your friend loves recipe 1 so you may make it for their birthday, you're allowed to fail the 3 recipes and need to try a few times, you're allowed to make them and decide you don't like making cookies after all and would rather try making a cake next). Trying sports teams may help, hobby clubs, board game tournaments, book clubs (where people have various opinions and you - like them - may have your own unique opinion all of which is fine, no opinion is mandatory or restricted).

To develop critical thinking skills: the two parts above will help somewhat with that. Just letting yourself experience new things, meet new people and hear about experiences different than your own, practicing wondering why someone likes something you may not, practicing liking something because YOU like it after experiencing it and not because someone told you to like it, will all help you figure out what you SPECIFICALLY think. And it will help you recognize that other people all think uniquely, may sometimes disagree, and that thinking differently can be okay. Those are some helpful initial steps to learn to think critically.

Critical thinking skills are important because it helps you figure out what is a fact and real, what is a person's opinion which may be right or wrong or only partly right or wrong or may be something you can't detetmine, how to check if a fact is something you can make decisions with or not explained well enough to rely on. Critical thinking is how you help yourself: if you are abused and your lover hits and punches you, and says "I love you and care about you," critical thinking will help you recognize the fact: you are being injured, help you recognize the actions your lover does of hurting you doesn't match their words that they love you, and helps you make a decision to help yourself - to leave the location where your lover is harming you over and over and go somewhere you are safer and not in danger. Critical thinking, even if you love being in an in-group and love following leadership, will allow you to notice when leaders and in-group members genuinely are helping the group, and when leaders or members are hurting the group. This can allow you to help the group and yourself by recognizing when the group has someone harming others and help you determine how to stop that harm. Even if you think very authoritarian and like that kind of structure in your life, critical thinking skills will help you and those you love.

You can start by figuring out how to make a decision on some basic thing. For example: prepare for the weather today in your city. Look up weather your-city in google, click some weather sites (to check collected data), go outside of your front door and physically feel the weather (data you collect yourself), text a friend who lives somewhere else and ask them what the weather is in your city - and ask them not to check the weather report (get an opinion), perhaps also ask your roommate what the weather is (an opinion from someone with the same ability to literally look outside the window and get their own data in person). From this experience you'll learn that data from a collected organization is probably fairly accurate but not perfect (maybe the weather site said 90% chance rain and when you went outside it was sprinkling but not pouring, and the clouds were dark), maybe your friend's opinion in another town was right or wrong (maybe they guessed and rain was a good guess for a cloudy November in your state) but they couldn't tell you how long until the weather would change, you went outside yourself and that was fairly reliable as you could literally feel the weather (but it cant help you decide if it will still be raining in 8 hours), maybe your roommate's weather judgement was better than the friend in another town but worse than your own judgement of going outside and feeling it. This is an experience to show you how useful facts are versus opinions. If you go outside and it rains on you, it is a fact that it is raining. If your friend in another city says they think the rain stopped, it's their opinion and they may be right Or wrong... you'll have to go outside to find out. The weather report site is somewhat right and can give you estimates of the next several hours of weather so that's helpful, but isn't giving you updates as specific as actually standing outside in the weather on your particular block. You can now see how facts and opinipns are useful, and when they are more or less reliable for making a decision to help yourself. (In this case to prepare to deal with the weathet outside).

Next you can practice critical thinking with less simple questions. You can try to decide "what is the best tires to get for my SUV" or "what coverup will be least likely to give me acne"? You'll look up on google these questions, and see company sites marketing their product and claiming theirs is best. You'll notice a company always says THEIR product is the best, and learn that a company may not give you facts as often as NON company sites that compare many products, or that a company will word facts in a way to imply something that isn't necessarily true. (For example: if a makeup clogs pores, it may not say it does that, it may just not use the word "non comedogenic"... but since you aren't seeing the word "non comdegenic" which means not-pore-clogging, that's a sign the makeup May actually clog pores). You will notice review sites, and reviewers with NO sponsors will tend to be more honest and share personal experience, while sponsored reviews may only mention positives. You will notice more fact based comparison sites, which will list ingredients and what each ingredient does, which will be facts to help you make a decision on which makeup is least likely to give you acne.

You may read articles on certain makeup ingredients and if they're a common allergen, which might explain why some makeup with some ingredients caused you acne before even though none of the ingredients were pore clogging. You are practicing comparing facts, and practicing deciding which sources are reliable or biased (biased sources try to convince you to buy something/believe something), what the bias is about (many articles want you to buy something even though you don't Truly need to buy everything), which reviewers gave biased opinions (if theyre sponsored they get money to convince you to buy something), which reviewers gave personal experiences (and are those experiences useful to you - did the reviewer have similar skin type and issues and allergies?). These are important skills! Learning to do this will help you spend money on things that are more likely to HELP you, to be what you want, and this skill will help you avoid scams and avoid being tricked.

Critical thinking gets much deeper than this, and applies to everything you run into in life - all news articles have biases (they want to convince you of something, there's facts AND opinions and attempts to convince you to do something), all ads are like this (every sponsored post on instagram is trying to convince you to believe and/or buy something), all influencers posts (their job is to convince you to buy products from companies paying the influencer, to get you to invest money in the influencer too - every podcaster/twitch streamer/youtuber/etc), books. All stuff you can find in the world is fact, opinion, some mixture, someone trying to convince you of something, and you using your own experiences to get your own facts (example: its raining on your face when you go outside so fact: its raining) and to decide your own opinions (opinion might be: you like feeling the rain, so you choose not to bring an umbrella, but your lover hates rain so they choose to bring an umbrella for themselves). You use all that information to decide what is fact, what is others opinion and are they trying to convince you of something, what your opinion is, and what to do that will help you.

Here's more information on developing critical thinking skills:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/bernardmarr/2022/08/05/13-easy-steps-to-improve-your-critical-thinking-skills/ (this has good basic tips for things you can do daily)

https://www.criticalthinking.org/pages/critical-thinking-where-to-begin/796 (a big website on critical thinking)

https://www.monash.edu/student-academic-success/enhance-your-thinking/critical-thinking/what-is-critical-thinking (this has good step by step instructions on how to start to think critically and practice in depth)

[dollarstore-kins]

Clemont pride icons requested by Anon!!

-Mod ET

[metadynamisblog]

🚀 A decentralized platform powered by blockchain technology is coming soon! 🌐 Stay tuned for the launch of 🎯 Meta Dynamis 📌, set to revolutionize the digital landscape. For more information visit= https://metadynamis.io/

[fluffs-n-stuffs]

/ suggestive humor under the cut --- Morty and Whitney as besties

thrilled to announce this as my official first drawing for the new year /lh (directly based on this)

[antihibikase-archive]

“Don’t be reckless, okay?”

“So... Umm... I wish I could say something, like, totally inspiring, you know? Umm... OK... Best foot forward!”

[cluescorner]

NEW GOOFY IDEA FROM CLUE (In other news, the sky is blue)

Ok, so here’s my bullshit. It’s 100% incorrect and it came to me with all the subtlety of a freight train and all the lead-up of a sudden sneeze. But here it is:

Pierro is Kaeya’s dad. However, Kaeya also has ANOTHER DAD who I will call ‘General Alberich’ from here on out. Pierro and General Alberich were in the midst of a messy divorce when the cataclysm happened, but the apocalypse kinda backs up the family court system. After everybody got fucked up, Pierro and General Alberich had completely different ideas of what needed to be done and so they went their separate ways (Pierro deciding to make a new world with the Tsaritsa vs General Alberich trying to rebuild Khaenri’ah or whatever tf the Alberich clan is up to). Pierro wound up needing to leave everything behind in order to found the Fatui and so General Alberich effectively winds up with custody of Kaeya. So Kaeya is raised in the Abyss and is trained as the child savior of Khaenri’ah, then is left in Mondstadt to spy for the Abyss.

Fast forward like 18 years and now Pierro has received word from La Signora from her notes written pre-death that the current Cavalry Captain is some asshole named Kaeya Alberich (huh he looks kinda similar to the boss I wonder why ANYWAYS) and Pierro LOSES HIS SHIT because they went through that whole custody battle and the FUCKING APOCALYPSE only for General Alberich to put their kid in Mondstadt. Or maybe Kaeya ran away? Regardless, Pierro is now going to Mondstadt in order to find his kid and reunite with him + get him to spy for the Fatui. At roughly the same time, General Alberich is like ‘huh I haven’t heard from my son in a while maybe I should go check up on him’ and goes to Mondstadt to get Kaeya to keep spying for the Abyss. Meanwhile poor Kaeya is just living a relatively peaceful life in Mondstat and he just wants to keep doing what he’s doing and suddenly BOTH OF HIS DADS ARE POPPING INTO MONDSTADT AND ARE ASKING HIM TO START SPYING FOR THEM.  

[pinbitch]

s8 would have been more fun if instead of getting a dog and a girlfriend sam joined a cult