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chroniclesinlavender · 3 months

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ENTRY 001: Dreams (Part 1)

Isaiah has an alarming dream.

Transcript below:

[Avlin nłzēwok'un nar īdsēravn aryú pi-lizt'n. Má ēzyi'ōf fl cni-lizt'n. (These are the stories known only to the Seraphim. Let not these events be forgotten.)]

???: [strained] Have to... keep it... together... can't stop... need to s-stay... need to foc... focus... have to keep it togETHEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!

ISAIAH: ...and then everything fades away, and I wake up.

[Chronicles in Lavender. Art & Story by Koishi. ENTRY 001: Dreams (Part 1)]

[December 12, 2019. 3:40 PM]

ISAIAH: My heart's always pounding out of my chest, and I can't sleep for the rest of the night. Every single time, it always goes exactly the same. The same place, the same people... and it never feels like I have any control, or I'm really acting on anything. I'm sorta just... watching it happen, I guess.

DR. GARDNER: Do you feel like the date in which you have the dreams could be significant?

ISAIAH: I dunno, your guess is as good as mine. I just happens every month on the full moon. I don't know why or how, it just does. It's been so consistent that I can anticipate it coming. Sometimes, I would stay up all night from the anxiety, then the minute I fall asleep, they happen anyways. I've always had vivid dreams. They feel so real, and I can control them too. Like, like lucid dreaming. But when these dreams happen, I just feel... powerless. Got a pill I can take for that?

DR. GARDNER: I could, but stepping away from medication, I think this might be related to another significant topic we've yet to come back to? Specifically the topic of Tara? And I know it's uncomfortable, but I think at least addressing it may give a better understanding of these recurring nightmares. I think a lot of the themes you've described to me in your dreams; the lack of control, the sense of urgency, the need to "keep it all together", could all be tied to your trauma regarding your sister's disappearance. A way for your brain to process through the guilt you feel and the grief you're experiencing. Does that sound about right?

ISAIAH: [shrugs]

DR. GARDNER: It's hard, having to go through that. It feels impossible to carry that weight on you all of the time, but it's important to remind yourself that Tara's disappearance is not your fault. It may seem selfish, but some things are out of our control. So it's better to grieve and find a way to move forward. At the end of the day, your own mental health is something that you have to put first, or things like this will keep affecting you. Of course, we can move on if you'd like. How have your exercises been going?

ISAIAH: Oh... uh... I've been trying, and I've been goin outside more, too.

DR. GARDNER: That's good to hear! Tell me more about how that's been working for you.

ISAIAH: [in journal] Log date: 12/19/2019. 4:28 PM. I've just concluded my therapy session for this week. We talked about the usual stuff, depression and meds and self-affirmation. I brought up the dreams, but that ended up leading back to Tara. It's been four years since she disappeared. I've been trying not to think about it. It's jut too much right now. I though by now I'd at least be better about it. That I wouldn't feel so awful. I guess I don't, but I just feel nothing instead. I dunno if that's better or worse. Rather not dwell on all of that now. Either way, I'm hoping that this night'll be over soon. I hate these stupid dreams, it's like a puzzle and I'm missing a billion pieces to it. If I go to bed early, I can at least get the dreams out of the way. Or I'm hoping to. Not much to hope for as of late.

[some time later]

ISAIAH: Yo LiLi.

AMALIAH: Yoooo Isaiah, me and Andre gonna be stayin out for the night. We're hangin w/ some friends.

ISAIAH: Yeah sure, aight. How come you didn't text?

AMALIAH: Cuz I'm drivin? fuck you mean?? And you take, like, hours to text back.

ISAIAH: Yeah yeah nah, good point... Okay, I'll text if I need somethin-

AMALIAH: Whoa hold up, you good cuz? You sound like shit. Still gettin them weird dreams? I know it's a full moon tonight.

ISAIAH: yeah, but I also had therapy today, so I'm like, emotionally-drained.

AMALIAH: Goootcha gotcha. Well if you need me, just text. Aight I gotta watch the road. See you in the mornin, kay?

ISAIAH: Night, LiLi.

ISAIAH: Is anything going to be different? Anything at all? I thought bringing it up at therapy would shed some light on why I keep having these dreams, but of course it all goes back to Tara. I thought I would be fine by now. That I'd find a way to not let what happened mess me up. But I'm still here. Everything around me keeps going, but I'm still here. Still empty... why does it even matter? Maybe this is just it for me... just emptiness and guilt... walking through a haze as life passes me by. I'm so sick of it being this way. I just want something to change... I just want to change.

BUTTERFLY: Why Do You Chase After Me?

ISAIAH: I don't know. I can't remember anymore I've just been... running for so long... Why were you running?

BUTTERFLY: I Was Running From Something As Well, Something Too Hard For Me To Bear. But I Feel As If You Can Help Me Face It.

ISAIAH: How would someone like me be able to help? I'm empty...

BUTTERFLY: You Are Not Empty. You Are An Endless Multitude. And If You Help Me, I Promise To You What You Yearn For The Most.

ISAIAH: ...okay. I can do that.

BUTTERFLY: Then It Is Time For You To Wake Up, Isaiah.

ISAIAH: Something... changed.

[Ēzm̄fl īn-hōn pi-jalzègxa olsl... (To be continued in the next entry...)]

#comic #webcomic #digital comic #portal fantasy #isekai #chronicles in lavender #cil #isaiah hughes #amaliah adams #ic

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black-arcana · 2 months

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JINJER Releases New Song 'Someone's Daughter'

Ukrainian modern progressive metal icons JINJER have released a brand-new, blistering single, "Someone's Daughter". The song arrives with a thrilling music video, and is now available on all streaming services worldwide.

JINJER singer Tatiana Shmayluk comments: "'Someone's Daughter' is an artistic attempt to cast the light on the inner world of women, who in various scenarios and circumstances have had to choose a path that was historically made by men.

"In a world where women are often underestimated and overlooked, they are still powerful heroes who navigate hardship with strength and resilience, unapologetically becoming themselves and breaking barriers in the face of the challenges that face them.

"'Someone's Daughter' celebrates transition from naivety into wisdom, weakness into force, unwavering determination and fearlessness as our mothers, sisters, daughters and wives walk through adversity and fight for better change. These women are often forgotten but they have earned respect. They've earned mine, that's for sure!"

JINJER recently completed recording the follow-up to the 2021 album "Wallflowers".

During an appearance on a recent episode of Knotfest's "She's With The Band", Shmailyuk spoke about the progress of the songwriting sessions for JINJER's new LP. Tatiana said: "My purpose is just to write lyrics and sing them. I'm so behind right now with the writing lyrics. And I warned my guys. We were at least to get a really rough draft, rough sketch or a demo of one song, like maybe first single from the new album, at least get this, but nope. [Stress and creativity don't] work with me. Well, but when the deadline's coming, and everybody knows that — I've been talking, like, every single time we release a new album, I say that, I say this — deadlines push me. So I just have to write, so I get this stream of consciousness, basically. I write down whatever the bullshit is in my head. And then you build it. At least you have to have bricks to build a poem or whatever it is, just lyrics."

Regarding the musical direction of the new JINJER material, Tatiana said: "It's gonna be different, first of all, because I feel that the music differs a lot. And to my mind, the whole — I won't say how many songs are there; I guess 12 or even 15; let's say 13; I don't remember — but they all have… not all of them, but half of them, at least, they have a similarity in them. They're similar to each other or they remind me. They have this concept within — without any lyrics, they still sound like they belong to one box. They are a set of songs. And I already think about all the… I'm not even thinking about like the lyrics — I think about the topics and stuff, but I think about the booklet or the cover or even the music videos and what I'm gonna wear there. And it has a certain flavor to me that… I feel like it has this flavor of 19th century. It's very romanticism from the 19th century. If you listen to it, you will think, 'Oh.' You know, when you listen to MUSE, you feel he was inspired by a lot of classical composers — obviously. So our new music has this flavor. And I'm so excited."

JINJER will embark on a North American tour in the fall. Support on the trek will come from fast-rising Japanese metalcore unit HANABIE and progressive metalcore mainstays BORN OF OSIRIS.

JINJER released its first official live DVD/Blu-ray, "Live In Los Angeles", on May 17 via Napalm Records. Recorded and filmed on December 22, 2022 at The Wiltern in Los Angeles, this offering is intended to celebrate not only getting through the last few years in one piece, but also the band's 15-year career.

"Live In Los Angeles" was a spontaneous decision by the band, recorded as raw as possible, to emphasize the passion that can come from a live show. This release is an explosive mixture of JINJER's discography — featuring fan favorites like "Sit Stay Roll Over", "Home Back" and the game-changing "Pisces". The live album contains 16 songs in various audio formats, with some strictly limited: the deluxe digipack features not only a DVD, but also two more songs, "Wallflower" and "Disclosure!", recorded in Paris in 2023.

JINJER is:

Tatiana Shmayluk - Vocals Roman Ibramkhalilov - Guitars Eugene Abdukhanov - Bass Vlad Ulasevich - Drums

Photo credit: Lina Glasir

youtube

#tatiana shmayluk #jinjer #someone's daughter

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lucy-the-demon · 8 months

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Star speckled whiskers chapter 2 pages 6-12

Took me like 30 years (despite still being 19) but I actually finished it

Sorry if it looks like a downgrade since the last art I posted I made this in Early December before i got really depressed and then had a horrible Christmas

But I'm gonna work on something I can't even show you guys because tumblr wouldn't like it, and id rather die a horrible death then ever go back on the hellscape that is Twitter.

Previous. Next

Details under the cut

I feel like despite my account being for people over 18 there are probably still minors hanging out on my cursed land. maybe it's because my hyper fixation is rated E 10+ but tumblr is rated 18+ so idk how you got here..

Wait isn't Twitter rated teen how are the fuck are you guys allowed to post stuff like that there but we can't on this 18+ rated website?!

Anyways, it's something that has to do with Shane and my oc, draw your own conclusions man if you have a mind like mine you already know what I'm talking about, not that it matters because your never gonna see it if your under 18!

I'll start working on chapter 2 after my little project I wanna do.

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devious-bliss · 4 months

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Coping Mechanism

Author's Note: This is partially based on a true story of mine and I never really got over it, but writing about it seemed right and it fills me with confidence that everything will be just fine, despite how much you think it's all over. Gotta add some tickling stuff to it cause, obviously. Hope you enjoy it! ^^ P.S.: I'm gonna be posting more stories cause I will have more free time and motivation to do so, so... YAY!!! --------------- “Hey… so you remember when you told me that you loved me a year ago?”

“Y-Yeah!? What about it!?”

“Well… I’ve had enough time to think about it… and… I think it would be best if we stayed friends”

I knew what the answer was, but it doesn’t mean I was ready for the answer… I couldn’t even respond with any of my feelings, they weren’t even there. Just emptiness, emptiness that I couldn’t fill with anything.

“Are you gonna be okay?” To be honest, I’m not sure if I will

“I’m fine... for now, I’m just… gonna need time to digest it”

“We’ll still be friends though!”

“Y-Yeah…” Yeah… that’s what I thought… if only it was true….

——————————————————

July 4 10:27 am:

🎇 Happy 4th of July! 🎆

July 28 1:57 pm:

🌅 How’s your summer going so far?

August 14 4:39 pm:

School starting soon? 🏫

September 9 7:42 pm:

How have your first days of classes gone?

October 31 9:18 pm:

Happy Halloween 🎃 Did you dress up as anything?

November 23 9:45 pm:

Happy Thanksgiving! 🦃

December 25 10:12 pm:

Merry Christmas! 🎁 Get anything exciting?

January 3 11:11 pm:

Hey… how’s your winter break been going?

March 17 12:07 am:

Hey…

Sigh… It really hurts, you know? A year later… and still nothing…

“Still thinking about them, huh?”

“Yeah… I can’t help it. The first one always stings the most.”

“If you don’t try again then they’ll be the only one.”

She’s right, and always has been… and I love her for that.

I leaned in for a hug as she opened her arms to me, comforting me a little before my suppressed emotions pushed out some of the bad thoughts out of my mouth.

“I’m a fool…”

“You’re no fool… just… inexperienced” Ouch… that did NOT make it better…

“Hey…cheer up. If you keep moping around, then I’ll forget what your smile looks like.” She chuckles, putting a slight smirk on my face before it fades away again.

“Come on, lighten up!...please…” I can try…but that’s not gonna last long…

“Let’s listen to some music! That usually cheers you up!” “It’s worth a shot I guess…” I already know, it’ll work for a little while before it hurts me too…

“I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul, I want you to notice…” And there it is…

“Alright now, you’re doing it on purpose!” Her words meant nothing, it may be true but I accepted that long ago.

“We can play some games, that’ll take your mind off of things”

“Sure, we can play Sorry cause I’m sorry for my failures, or we can play Guess Who where I can guess who’s more successful than me, or we can play The Game of Life where I can feel the fake life that’ll be better than mine-”

“You know what!!!” She interjects as she grabs me by the shoulders. That sarcasm definitely struck a nerve with her.

“H-Hey, what are you doing!?” I pull, kick, and struggle as much as I can without trying to hurt her. It’s not her fault… it’s mine… I can’t fight her for that… but she’s not real…

I slowly stop resisting and she loosens her grip as I sit there, stuck in thought.

“She isn’t real, she’s a figment of my imagination so why….” I snap back into reality, scrambling away from her again.

“Who are you? What are you!?” Her face grows tired of this game of resistance as frustration is all over her face. I wasn’t able to get that far before she climbed up the bed and planted her arms on top of mine. Her strength is now unimaginable, completely unable to stop her.

“Just let go and let me take control!” Her voice firmed up as she guided me to lie back down.

“B-But I-”

“Shhh….it’s okay. Trust me~” Her playfulness brushes away bits and pieces of my hesitation until all that is left is intimacy.

“I’m here for you… I always will be~” She lightly drags her hand down my cheek and around my chin, sending tingles that I couldn’t ignore.

“H-Hehehehey nohohow! That sehehehems a bihihit of a-a-a stretch now, don’cha think?”

“A stretch? Why is that? I’m a part of you after all~” I want to resist but… I can’t. She holds some sort of power over me, leaving me a giggling mess… at least for a few seconds which felt like an eternity. Not even five minutes and I’m gasping for breath as my brain seems to mush.

“What’s the matter, babe? Can’t handle a few tickles~”

B-B-Babe!? I-I-I don’t know about that! I-I-I-I mean…why not? A-A-And she wants to *tickle* me!?

“U-Uh…no?…”

“Oh? Is that so? Oh well, too bad!”

Before I could protest, she skittered her fingers over stomach

“Nohohohohohohohoho!!! Dohohohohoohohoon’t!!!”

“Oh? Why not? Can’t handle my teasing~?”

“I-I cahahahahan’t!”

“You can break free anytime you want~ You just have to want it.” I hear her words but there’s no resistance. I could feel each and every finger pressing into my skin, stimulating the nerves, causing me to squirm every which way to hopelessly try to get away

“…or perhaps…you enjoy having me all over you~?” Why am I doing this to myself!?!?!

My frantic thoughts were stabilized once the tickling faded out almost completely, leaving me dazed and a bit confused.

“You know what? You look really cute when you’re laughing uncontrollably, hot even~”

“You…*pant…pant*...think so?”

“Of course~ It makes me wanna-mmmm!!!”

Before she could finish, she was getting involved in some affectionate kissing. Her lips burned with passion which traveled through her and into me, and soon enough, I couldn’t stop myself either. The urge was too strong and neither of us wanted to back out…until…

“Looks like someone liked what he was given, huh~?” I could only nod in response, like a deer in headlights.

“Well…good cause we’re going into round 2 with a little something special~” And with that, she was back at it again with her passionate kisses. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t focus on her hands moving straight for my ribs. As she scribbled her nails, her lips held mine hostage as I instinctively sprang up. I could feel her lips curl into a big, mischievous smile with each muffled squeal that entered her mouth.

It only took me practically running out of breath before I was released, left gasping for dear life. I take a look at the one that nearly kills me, nothing but a sweet and innocent smile which makes my face burn like nobody’s business. I look away again to regain my composure (and breath) which gives me the strength to sit up.

I smile brightly looking back at her, ready to ask all of the questions that plagued my mind with a goofy grin plastered over my face and she reciprocated with a loving gaze, ready for anything that I would say to her. What do I ask? Which one first? Does she know the answers I have questions to?! But there was only one thing that I REALLY needed to know… “When can I be with you?” Her confidence faded in an instant, unsure of what the answer actually is or will be. My face sags back down too. M—Maybe I said the wrong thing. Did I mess up? Don’t go away!!!

“I… don’t know… I’m just a construct of your imagination…” The sad truth of her words pierces me, and the depressing reality sets back in as I sink my head down. “BUT!!” I look up again, awaiting the light at the end of the tunnel.

“Don’t let that stop you from finding someone who IS real, and who knows, maybe you’ll even find someone just like me~ But just remember, they won’t be as cute as me~” My face burns up again as she starts to fade from reality, with a newly burning passion resonating within my heart. “See you…soon…”

#tickle #tword #tickling #tickle thoughts #tword thoughts #tickle story #tword story #self love #love story #f/m tickling #female ler #male lee

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leqonsluv3r · 7 months

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Just read your profile intro and I need to know more about your cat and rodent...

OMGGGG OKAY OKAY 🥲🥲 any excuse to talk about my animals fr <33 they are literally my children.

so in my apartment, i have 4 total animals. but only two of them are mine. the cat and the guinea pig.

willow is the little ball of fur on the right, she’s about maybe 8 months or so??? (don’t quote me on that) and stewie on the left is my maincoon mix, he’s about 12 years old.

they are both indoor animals. willow has a little pen she likes to run around and wreck havoc in. stewie doesn’t have his front claws due to his owners prior to me (they suck ass), but he does like to peek out the balcony and walk on his leash outside (yes, i’m that girl).

all my pets in the past have been adopted from shelters, including my two dogs and stewie. willow was just an impulse buy at the pet store near my house. i had lost my other guinea pig in december. rip luna </3 (pictured above).

my dogs r cute too. technically my moms dogs but, i’ll show them anyways 😏

copper and sadie 😍😍😍😍 copper is the one on the left, he’s about a year and a half. we adopted him when he was a puppy. sadie is the one on the right and she’s about 7 or 8, we also adopted her when she was a puppy. copper is definitely the runt of the litter and he’s given me a run for my money every single day since i’ve had him. sadie’s more content now that she’s older, but she’s has her moments still.

OKAY I PROMISE THATS ALL!!! IM NOT GONNA RAMBLE ANYMORE ABT MY PETS UNLESS YALL ASK 😻🤟 i just wanted to share 😘

#leqonsluv3rasks #leqonsluv3rrambles #guinea pig #indoor cats #maincoon #german shorthaired pointer

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nerdieforpedro · 9 months

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12/17/2023 Weekend Update

We’re halfway through December already! The year will be over soon, so weird but it does happen every year. Anyhow, let’s get started.

Nerdie, you’ve got some new graphics. It looks…the pickle is starting at me.

Is it? Eh, it probably feels like it. I’ve been playing around on Canva after looking through other people’s accounts and masterlists. I’ve made some progress. The lists I’ve updated so far:

Dieter Bravo Masterlist (Betty liked this one so I’m leaving it as is.)

Frankie Morales Masterlist. (I found a side profile pic that screamed Frankie to me, I made it the largest picture.)

Joel Miller Masterlist (He screams to me that he drinks whiskey so it’s on his page also I edited the middle picture because you gotta understand how broad he is)

Dave York Masterlist (The Dave I wrote is a sadistic man who might be softening a little. I might have gotten a soft pic or two in there.)

What else have you been up to this week Nerdie?

Session Three of the Sard’ika Sessions went up. We’re half way through Space Buddies. I want to thank everyone who’s been reading and following along. Your comments and reblogs are always very sweet and have some great takes.

We did a Fic Authors Self rec this week in the tag games and we all gave five of our own fics we would recommend to readers. If you’re a writer and would like to do some signal boosting, you can try it out as well.

I was in the mood for some Dieter Bravo this week. I read quite a few fics with him in it and I somehow forgot that I had written a second chapter of my Dieter Bravo series that I started a couple months back. 😅 Yup, too many WIPs and not enough focus will do that.

The series is revolves around Dieter and our OFC Maya who is traveling to her younger brother’s destination wedding. She meets Dieter and chaos ensues. I made Dieter a goat papa and Dee may have an issue with the man who plays Poe Dameron. I won’t say his name because Dieter doesn’t react well to it at all.

Both chapters are on the Dieter Bravo Masterlist. I am working on chapter three. No clouds were harmed in the creation of the chapter.

How do you forget you started a series Nerdie?

Well, I kept reading others people’s fics, starting WIPs based off of different ideas and it fell off. I have three other series that are “paused” too. I haven’t had any ideas for them.

Plus I have two different challenges to work on and that are due soon.

What are those?

One is that pickle staring at you: The Pickled Peña challenge. Open to all writers who wanna try it. Have some fun trying to figure out a Peña pickle. Instructions are in the hyperlink above.

The other challenge is, well, involves Pedro characters, we were assigned one to get pegged. It’s the Peg That Middle Aged Man or PTMAM 2024. Go big, go forth and peg on! I think, but I have an outline. So, yeah… 😭 Totally on goal there.

We should know by know not to ask, it never goes where we think it’s gonna go. What else?

We spoke in our group about astrological signs. We had a very good discourse led by @goodwithcheese who told us what our sweaty palms looked like and gave us more insight. Pretty fun actually, I pondered I pondered hard.

I started another WIP (because it feels like I start a new one every 3 days) about Joel and Layla from my Sugar series. Them at Christmas, Joel spending more time with her family, what happened when he met them the first time, where they are now. The nylons will make a return, because I’m not sure I can see Joel without them now when I write him. It started out being @morallyinept ‘s fault but it’s all mine now. I won’t shift blame on that one.

Is there anything else Nerdie?

Just one more thing, I made volume 4 of my fanfic author recommendations so please check out their work and make sure to reblog. 😊

Stay warm, hydrated and safe,

Love Nerdie ❤️

#weekend update #Nerdie speaks #Nerdie fic recs #pedro pascal characters #fanfiction #pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #din djarin #dieter bravo #joel miller #the mandalorian #frankie morales #dave york #Sard’ika Sessions

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fusilloscotto · 2 years

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Here’s to 20

A few days ago I turned 20.

It was a weird feeling.

I was actually dreading my 20th birthday, because it meant officially entering adulthood and I was not ready for that. Plus, now that I'm in uni all of my friends are somehow younger than me (and I'm a December baby, so that's saying a lot), so I was the first to reach this milestone, which scared me even more. I braced myself and, just like Dante stepped into the dark wood at the beginning of his Inferno, I prepared to venture into the unknown twenties, ready to face my own private hell. To my surprise, it was a really nice day: I was not scared, I enjoyed myself a lot, everything went smoothly and the world did not end. So of course I started wondering: what was I so scared of?

After a bit of deep thinking, I had a Rachel Green moment and I realised I was behind schedule: I was scared of turning 20 because it meant that the life I imagined for myself while growing up, the one where at 20 everything is perfect and I always know exactly what to do, was not going to happen; it'd just remain a fantasy in my head.

It started when I was 12: my best friend's older sister turned 15 and I was so in awe of it. I remember thinking that, once I turned 15, my life would be just like theirs, because they were so old, mature, cool. I was so so so sure that at 20 my life would be perfect because I would have it all figured out at 15, because 15 is the age you become old... right? WRONG. I turned 15 and I was still a baby. Fifteen was the age I found myself screaming at the tv while rewatching the Little Mermaid: Ariel was talking about being 16 and sooo mature and I got really upset because no?? she was not old?? she was still very much a child and her dad was lowkey right for wanting to protect her.

I'm not gonna lie, I was really confused after my 15th birthday: how could people be defined as grown-ups at 15? Why was I lied to, why did society make me believe I was gonna be an adult at 15? And I know I wasn't the only one thinking this: my friends, my parents, even newspapers were saying that, until a few years ago, people used to look way older than they were, so I couldn't help but wonder what went wrong with our generation?

Did we collectively forget to take a special potion? Did we collectively miss one chapter in the growing-up book? Was there a step-by-step tutorial on Youtube that we were supposed to watch? Maybe we all just expected to magically become adults overnight, so none of us did anything to actually become an adult?

I don't really have the answer to this, however, I have the answer to what my problem was and, technically, still is.

I was talking to my friends about my terror of the big 2-0, and this friend of mine kept saying that in 30 years I'll wish to be 20 again, because 20 will feel so young. The thing is, my problem is not that I feel old... I just don't feel old enough. I don't think I've processed the fact that I'm not a teenager anymore, in my head I'm still 16... I don't feel 20 at all. And I am angry and sad, because the only reason I'm stuck at 16 is that deep down I feel I've been robbed of my teenage years. Everyone says I'm currently in the best years of my life, and I'm missing them because I just cannot move. My head is filled with voices that keep screaming at me to just let it go and be present, and no matter how much I try, I just can't. I can't move super fast like everyone else.

My teenage years are an ex-lover who decided to ghost me, and I need, crave, closure. And since I'm looking for closure, I keep trying to find my teenage years everywhere I go. And since I'm too busy trying to find my teenage years, I'm missing my twenties. And when I'll be older, I'll probably start looking for my twenties, and it will just become a never-ending cycle of delusional and vain searching and not living.

Ferris Bueller said it best: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it".

And I'm tired of missing out.

I can't really blame myself for not being able to move on though: time stopped within a minute, and it never started running again.

One minute I was drinking with my friends, the other I get a text saying there's a quarantine happening. One minute I am cheering because I have two more weeks to study for my physics test, the other I'm begging to go back to school. One minute I have my teenage years, the other I am alone in another country blowing 20 candles out.

But I want to change things.

So this is me, being finally old enough and letting go of my teen years. To quote Abbie Lee Miller, "You were great, but you didn't stick out to me".

And I now apologise to my 20s.

I'm sorry if I dreaded you, because you've been treating me pretty nicely for now. I'm sorry if I ignored you, you are probably way cooler than teenage years anyways. I'm sorry if I haven't been present, I promise I'll try to not waste you from now on.

so here's to 20, one of the best birthdays of my life.

#turning 20 #20 years #growing up #vent post #diaryposting #digital diary #dear diary #diary #tumblr diary

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ashitshowforalot · 1 year

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so i finished speak now taylor’s version, i cried, thoughts and feelings under the cut

1. mine- bro why am i crying??? her vocals are so different bc she doesn’t have her twang 😭 she sounds so pretty though. ‘FOR THE FIRST TIME’

2. sparks fly- still makes me want to jump and dance around but her vocals are more present if that makes sense??? like it used to blend together for but now i mostly hear taylor. god her voice is so much mature now.

3. back to december- oh hello bell i didn’t realize you were there. okay i’m gonna cry again bc of this song. “I MISS YOUR TAN SKIN YOUR SWEET SMILE”

4. speak now- oh she sounds so pretty already. it’s still so dreamy in this song 😭 “ you wish it was me ☺️ don’t you😏” HER LAUGH OH MY GOD

5. dear john- bro she sounds like she’s gonna cry in the beginning of this, it’s gonna make me cry. oh god 32 year old taylor singing about what happened to 19 year old taylor. go the way i never realized she blames herself until after the bridge “i should’ve know” into “you should’ve know” because he was older HE should’ve known.

6. mean- okay banjo!!! she’s still so cute, i love you mean, forever in my heart 💜 okay tiny ity bitty twang in this song, she’s having fun and i love it.

7. the story of us- okay the guitar is leaning more pop ish than the alternative kind it was leaning towards in the original, not bad i can still bop to it but i’ll miss the guitar riffs, you can hear her little smile on “next chapter”. “LIKE ITS KILLING ME YEAH” aidhsjkshdj “the end” yes taylor

8. never grow up- oh okay, yeah i’m gonna cry. i cried too much to type anything

9. enchanted- oh she’s still enchanting lol, so dreamy oh my god. i will be screaming this in the car actually. oh it actually absolutely amazing.

10. better than revenge-oh i love her already, she did change the lyrics 😔, it slaps but i will hold a candle for the original lyrics because they are so fun to scream misogamy be damn. other than the lyric change she’s absolutely amazing, HER RIFF OH MY GOD, the mocking lyrics, i love them

11. innocent-how hard was this to re record this knowing that this person would continue to hurt her after she had forgiven them. “32 and still growing up now” brb gotta go scream.

12. haunted-YES OH MY GOD THE DRAMA OF THIS SONG, ooo the echoing is fun, the breaths ahkfsh i love all the little things about this album. genuinely one of my favorites from the original and tv holds the same place in my heart. her vocals give me life

13. last kiss- oh god that first beat still makes my heart drop. okay i am going to cry again. tiny twang again. we lost shaky breathe but the song is still so sad even without it.

14. long live-my favorite song to date actually and i might cry. it’s still so good 😭 god and to know so many people who knew her when she wrote this still know her and support her. thinking about her guitarist has been with her for so long and this song is for the people like him and for us and i just i-

15. ours- ours is such a cutesy song, i love her she deserves a kiss on the forehead. kicking my feet and giggling. her laugh again 😭

16. superman-i love you superman you are such a fun song people forget about you, got me dancing and having a fun time, ignoring that it’s probably about j**n m****r.

17. electric touch-our first vault song!!!! oh wow she’s different, she’s so speak now though, oh fallout boy is so fun on this song, taylor has now claimed the time 8:05 lol, i hear the fob influences but the song is still so taylor

18. when emma falls in love- ooo piano she’s fun, oh taylor girl what emma are we referring to babes, when emma falls in love is cute though, not my favorite vault song though, not a skip let’s be clear

19. i can see you- oh, she’s fun, she different, oh my god who are you???? oh she’s rising in ranks so fast, oh my god i love her so much “ i could you up against the wall with me” TAYLOR GIRL, i am scandalized

20. castles crumbling- hi hayley i love you, taylor girl are you okay? nothing new 1.0?, castles crumbling was not what i thought it was, i think i might cry actually, don’t worry hayley got a verse lol, anyways taylor girl are you okay??? anti hero 1.0? bro???

21. foolish one- oh okay happy beat sad lyrics, taylor said take your anti delulu pills or this song is about you, “how could i not see the signs” taylor???? babes what happened??? “he just wasn’t the one” oh okay that hurt a little a lot

22. timeless- oh good old taylor and a guitar, oh no taylor sweetheart i don’t think you would’ve been timeless, why does this hurt, oh this feels so bittersweet

anyways favorite base 16 song is long love and haunted

favorite vault song is i can see you

#speak now by taylor swift #speak now taylor’s version #speak now #do i still tags spoilers/ leaks?#it’s not a leak anymore though?#speak now taylor’s version spoilers #rain's thoughts

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tssspeaknowstan · 1 year

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Swift Short Story (Eras Edition): Please Reblog After Reading. I'd like Taylor Swift to like it!

TAYLOR: IF YOU SEE THIS, PLEASE MESSAGE ME YOUR COMMENTS OR DROP A NOTE AFTER YOU READ THE STORY.

I wrote this months before Midnights was released—back in March 2022 actually. Because this story alternates between two characters, the ~ indicates a change in character.

December 11-12, 2019: Kennebunkport, Maine

You be the prince and I’ll be the princess. It's our love story; baby, just say, "Yes”(1). But our love story later became a tragedy when you: Stephen announced you'd be marrying someone else to please your dad. He told me, "if you and Stephen had been closer in age, maybe it would be fine," and that made me want to die. The idea he had of her, who was she? A never-needy, ever lovely jewel whose shine would reflect on you?(2). I was confused because I didn't feel pretty; I just felt used(3). I should've known that I wasn't your princess; this wasn't a fairytale. I wasn't the one you'd sweep off her feet(4).

We fought about your marriage at 2:30am because everything was slipping right out of our hands. I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street. I’ve raised myself for a goodbye because that was all I've ever known. You then took me by surprise; you said, "I'll never leave you alone because you are the best thing that's ever been mine." But the next morning, you broke your promise. At that point, I became the worst thing that's ever been yours(5).

The morning after our fight, I was driving in my Chevy when you called. You begged me, "Stephen: don't say yes, run away now. I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the back door. Don't wait, or say a single vow."(6). I should’ve stuck with that perfect plan, but I worried my father would sabotage it.

“Sorry Betty, but I can’t.” I then hung up. I still saw your face in my mind as I was driving away because none of us thought it was gonna end that way(7). You and I didn't know that we were built to fall apart. We broke the status quo before we broke each other's hearts (8). I was thinking one day, I'd tell the story of us; of how I was losing my mind when I saw you here. But I held my pride like I should've held you. Oh, I was scared to see our story's ending. Why was I pretending this was nothing? I'd tell you, "I miss you," but I didn't know how. I've never heard silence quite this loud(9).

I then got on with my dreadful December day to marry my witch wife. I would've had the sweetest day of my life in Kennebunkport's chocolate church if I married Betty instead.

December 13, 2022: New York City

Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right(10). My story started when it was hot and it was summer; I had my wife right there where I wanted her. A guy came along, got her alone, and let's hear the applause! He took her faster than I could say sabotage. He had to know the pain was beating on me like a drum(11). He always chased down the newest thing and took for granted what he had (12). And the saddest fear came creeping in; that she never loved me, him, anyone, or anything(13).

Then she came around again and said, "Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me." I remembered how that lasted for a day.I said, "I hate you," before we broke up(14). It was such a shame, because I was Sir Here to stay. Now I'd be Sir Gonna be alright someday. Maybe my wife would miss me; but by then, she’d become Mrs. too late(15). Regretting her was like wishing I never found out that love could be that strong(16).

Betty: three years had gone and I've been reaching, even though I knew you weren't there. I was playing back a thousand memories, baby; thinking about everything we've been through. Though maybe I've been going back too much lately; when time stood still and I had you(17). I've been out in the world; searching for my soul. I haven't been scared to be hip, but scared to get old. The last time I felt free was when none of that mattered because you were with me(18).

One night, I took a train from Kennebunkport to New York City, where I could take a vacation from my sorrow. It didn't take a while for me to find myself walking through a crowd, where I’d hear a Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under their coats. Everybody here wanted something more; they were searching for a sound they hadn't heard before(19). The only sound I wanted to hear was funk music at Tribeca's Dive Bar, where I later went.

There, it felt like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters and make fun of our exes. It also felt like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight to fall in love with strangers. I was happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. I then saw Betty yammering on with strangers she barely knew(20). Betty: would you still have me? Would you love me? Would you kiss me on this bar's porch in front of all your stupid friends? If you were to kiss me, would it be just like I dreamed it? Would it patch your broken wings?(21) I wished you'd say, "you'll remember me," while standing in your nice dress and staring at the sunset, babe. With your red lips and rosy cheeks, I hope you'd say, "you'll see me again" even if it were just in your wildest dreams."(22).

Stephen: you still got that James Dean daydream look in his eye, and I got that red lip classic thing that you liked. It's been a while; I didn't mean to stare(23). I heard your wife was nothing like me. Don't you smile at me and ask me how I've been. Don't you say you've missed me if you don't want me again(24). And if you've been missing me, you'd better keep it to yourself because coming back around here would be bad for your health(25).

I then saw my ex-man with his new girlfriend. She was like, "Oh my god! Isn't she your ex who lives in delusion?"

With pride, my ex-man replied,"Oh yeah! She’s still 22 and living inside her fairytale fantasy(26). She would've made such a lovely bride. What a shame she's f*cked in her head(27)" I wondered how many girls he had loved and left haunted(28).

Although his comments hurt me, I had to ignore him. So, I asked the bartender fella over there with the hella good hair, "Won't you come on over baby?(29)" I then loudly raised my Jack Daniels glass with the bartender's champagne glass. "Here's a toast to my real friends. They don't care about the he said, she said. And here's to my ex; because forgiveness is a nice thing to do." Hahaha, I couldn't even say it with a straight face!(30) I then pulled the bartender's black shirt towards me. "I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover."(31)

Stephen then joined in on my fun."Hey Betty! How have you been?"My senseless self spoke on behalf of my sensible soul. "Oh, I forgot that you existed and I thought that it'd kill me but it didn't(32). Stephen: don't treat me like some situation that needs to be handled. I'm fine with my spite, my tears and my beers!(33)"

~I told her,"Betty: you need to calm down(34). This is why you'd got a long list of ex-lovers. They'd tell you, 'you're insane.' Because I know you love the players, and you love the game.""Oh, my God, look at that face. You look like my next mistake. Love's a game, wanna play?!(35)"

Because you played offence, I now had to play defence. After all, you, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, had knocked me off my feet again and got me feeling like I was nothing. "Betty, all you are is mean, and a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life(36). You are wasted like all your potential and your words shoot to kill when you're mad. I hope you have a lot of regrets about that."(37). Thereafter, you stormed outside the bar and ran towards Central Park in tears.

Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest, which made you run and hide like a scared little girl. I looked into your eyes; thought I knew you for a minute, now I wasn't so sure. So here was to everything coming down to nothing. Here was to silence, that cut me to the core. Where was this going? I thought I knew for a minute, but I didn't anymore. For years, I've been staring at the phone; you still haven't called and then I felt so low that I couldn't feel nothing at all. And I flashbacked to when you said, "I'll be here forever and always(38).

I knew men's looks could be deceiving but Stephen, I knew I saw a light in you. And as we used to walk, we'd talk and I didn't say half the things I wanted to. The way you walked, talked, and said my name; it was beautiful and wonderful(39). I wish you'd never changed because we were happy(40). We showed them all no one could touch the way we laughed in the dark. You should've always been there for me. You should've always burst through my door with that "baby I'm right here smile"and it would've felt like a million little shining stars had just aligned. And I would've been so happy. People asked me how I've been as I was combing back through my memories. What could I say when tears were streaming down my face in front of everyone I knew? And what could I do when the one who meant the most to me was the one who didn't show? You should've been here and I would've been so happy.

Later, Stephen caught up to me at Central Park and said, "I'm sorry,"And I said, "I'm sorry too," and that was the moment I knew(41) you didn't deserve me. People like you would always want back my love they pushed aside, but people like me would be gone forever if they said goodbye(42)."Baby—""Don't call me baby. Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me(43) become.""You just don't understand me."

I've been dreaming about the day when you would wake up and find that the best girl you were looking for has been here the whole time. "Unlike your wife, I was the only one who understood you. I’ve been waiting here all along. So, why couldn’t you see that you belonged with me?(44)" Silence then came down upon you as you were looking up. Because you didn't answer, I started running.

And right before your eyes, I was aching. I wore my best apology, but I was there to watch you leave(45), which I couldn’t accept. "Come on Betty, don't leave me like this! I thought I had you figured out. Something's gone terribly wrong. You're all I wanted."(46)

You were drowning in your tears when you replied, "Then answer me!""My dying father threatened to remove me from his will if I didn't marry his business partner's daughter, who later died." Among the properties in that will, included his mansion, where I was raised. I still lived in that home, but without you Betty, I was homeless.

You then surprised me with details on what you've been doing during your love life. "You don't know how many guys I've dated since you left. I've been breaking hearts a long time, and toying with those older guys. They were just playthings for me to use. This is how love works(47)." No, it isn't.

Love was all you wanted, because you were giving it away like it's extra change and hoping it would end up in men’s pocket. But men left you out like a penny in the rain(48). I could've picked up the pieces for you, even though in most men's eyes, you were beyond repair. We had a crooked love headed in a straight line down; it'd make any couple wanna run and hide. Then it'd make them turn right back around(49).

I missed your tan skin and your sweet smile. So good to me, so right and how I held you in my arms that December night. Maybe this was wishful thinking or probably mindless dreaming. But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right. I'd go back in time and change it, but I can’t. So if the chain was on your heart's door, I’d understand(50).

I should've been there in the back of your mind. I shouldn't be asking myself, "Why?" You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet. You should've said, "No" to your dad, and you might still have me(51). But then, I remembered how you were the only one who took the time to memorize me; you still knew my fears, my hopes and dreams(52). Even in my worst times, you saw the best of me(53).

My head wanted to push you out, but my heart wanted to pull you in."As much as I wanna believe you Stephen, I’m scared that ghosts from your past are gonna jump out at me; they'd lurk in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles.” “I don't care because right now you're mine.” Then you said, “don't you worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard. But they can't take the love that's ours(54). I wish you would come back."

And I wish you knew that I missed you too much to be mad anymore. I then began choking up. "I confess, babe. In my dreams you're touching my face and asking me if I wanna try having a relationship again with you. And I almost do(55).” I was a mess, but I was the mess that you wanted(56). You then dried my tears. "It's okay, Betty. I wanna try again with you." “Thanks Stephen. I promise to be your strength.” “And I promise to be your solace—forever and always."

Then, I didn't know how it’d get better than this. My hands shook. You pulled me in and I became a little more brave. It was your old kiss, which was flawless(57). I've been spending the last three years thinking all love ever would do was break, burn, and end. But on a Wednesday on this new day, I watched it begin again (58).

Lyrical credits to Taylor Swift. This story won't be published in any print publication.

Song List

1. Love Story: Fearless

2. All Too Well (10 Minute Version): Red (From the Vault)

3. Lucky One: Red

4. White Horse: Fearless

5. Mine: Speak Now

6. Speak Now: Speak Now

7. Breathe: Fearless

8. The Very First Night: Red (From The Vault)

9. Story of Us: Speak Now

10. State of Grace: Red

11. Better Than Revenge: Speak Now

12. Girl at Home: Red

13. I Knew You Were Trouble: Red

14. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together: Red

15. Mr. Perfectly Fine: Fearless (From The Vault)

16. Red: Red

17. If This Was a Movie: Speak Now/Fearless (Taylor's Version)

18. I Bet You Think About Me: Red (From The Vault)

19. Welcome to New York: 1989

20. 22: Red

21. betty: Folklore

22. Wildest Dreams: 1989

23. Style: 1989

24. Don't You: Fearless (From The Vault)

25. Picture to Burn: Taylor Swift

26. right where you left me: evermore

27. champagne problems: evermore

28. ...Ready for It?: Reputation

29. Shake it Off: 1989

30. This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Reputation

31. Lover: Lover

32. I Forgot That You Existed: Lover

33. closure: evermore

34. You Need to Calm Down: Lover

35. Blank Space: 1989

36. Mean: Speak Now

37. this is me trying: folklore

38. Forever & Always: Fearless

39. Hey Stephen: Fearless

40. We Were Happy: Fearless (From The Vault)

41. The Moment I Knew: Red

42. All You Had to Do Was Stay: 1989

43. illicit affairs: folklore

44. You Belong With Me: Fearless

45. The Last Time: Red

46. Haunted: Speak Now

47. Don't Blame Me: Reputation

48. Tied Together With a Smile: Taylor Swift

49. I Wish You Would: 1989

50. Back to December: Speak Now

51. Should've Said No: Taylor Swift

52. Stay Stay Stay: Red

53. Dress: Reputation

54. Ours: Speak Now

55. I Almost Do: Red

56. Dancing With Our Hands Tied: Reputation

57. Fearless: Fearless

58. Begin Again: Red

#taylors version #taylornation #taylor swift #taylor swizzle #speak now taylor’s version #fearless taylor’s version #red taylor’s version #1989 taylor's version #reputation taylor’s version #lover album #creative writing #tstheerastour #folklore #evermore #midnights

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yamaguccitadashi · 2 years

Text

I posted 1,673 times in 2022

That's 773 more posts than 2021!

23 posts created (1%)

1,650 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang

@myonepiece

@notonepiece

@rozcdust

@mimeen

I tagged 21 of my posts in 2022

#tokyo revengers - 7 posts

#one piece - 5 posts

#anime - 4 posts

#kokonoi hajime - 4 posts

#rindou haitani - 3 posts

#ran haitani - 3 posts

#portgas d ace - 2 posts

#akashi takeomi - 2 posts

#bonten - 2 posts

#spoilers - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 49 characters

#i cant wait for more volumes help im going to die

My Top Posts in 2022:

Me: *calls mum* MUM THE TOKYO REVENGERS SEASON TWO TRAILER CAME OUT

Mum: oh good! When is it coming out?

Me: January, I sent you the link, you gotta watch and see my husband

Mum: another one?!

Me: common mum you know I have like 500 billion husbands

Mum:

12 notes - Posted November 2, 2022

Do I want to be called his 'good girl'? Yes.

Do I want to be called his 'whore'? Also yes.

16 notes - Posted December 7, 2022

Playing Sims and my main Sim is dating Ran Haitani, went to prom together, he invited her to the nightclub at 8am, always trying to get her to ditch school to woohoo, yk it's pretty wild.

Her best friend is Rindou, and I checked social bunny and low and behold, Rindou tagged her in a flirty post and keeps messaging her in flirty posts and inviting her out, OML

I asked my housemate who she should date and he said "well there's enough room on the couch for 3" BOY WHAT

I guess my Sim just out here living all my dreams oml 😩😩😍😍

18 notes - Posted August 1, 2022

Can we just talk about how hot the characters from KHR... LIKE LOOK

😩😩😩😩😩

42 notes - Posted January 19, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Idea based on this video I found

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSdcn73ok/?k=1

‼️sort of manga spoilers, be careful ‼️

To Hell and Back for You

Y/N: so what, you're just gonna take his word over mine? That's it?

Mikey: Sanzu treats me like I'm somebody...

Y/N: And I don't?! Would he love you if you were nobody?

Mikey: Nobody loved me when I was nobody.

Y/N: I did!

Mikey: ....

Y/N: Before Bonten. And before Kanto. Before the darkness. To me, you were a somebody, Mikey...Now you're nothing but a murderer.

You always talk about how the only person loyal to you is Sanzu...I stayed with you from before the darkness.

Mikey: ...I-

Y/N: Y'know.. I never liked hurting people.. I wanted to become a nurse.. something that helped people.. but I chose to stay with you, follow you into the darkness and I never..I never wanted to see or do most of this..other stuff.. and I can never forgive myself for doing it..but I still did it.. I did it all cause I didn't want you to be alone and cause I loved you

I'm not so good at this sort of thing, I was just laying in bed, sleep deprived and watching Tik Tok's when I stumbled upon the video that I linked up top and then my mind took charge, creating this...if someone has written something like this or if you write something like this, please tag me! I'd love to read them!

57 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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tzyuki · 2 years

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hi... j-jj .. 🤢 (💥) ... I guess that this is )the rant you've been waiting for ... no but fr it's been like a LONG time since I've last ranted 😪 but I'm back 😻

so like yk how I had a fever and stuff... i was stressing that day. Like.. AND THE FACT FINALS ARE LIKE THIS MONTH 😭 i hate my school system like we could've had our finals in January but no, "We had to prepare for our games" actually I like that but LIKE WHY FEBUADY FOR OUR FINALS? LIKE JANUARY MAKES BETTER SINCE. Cause we have finals the first month of school than December than January than may.. like 😡 I Hate my school system so much and especially now since our test are all on computer.. like no, but let's move on to random stuff? I'm so excited for valentines even tho I don't have no one to go to the dance with i still have my friends but like the dance is so fun, we have these like valentine drinks it's called strawberry love and BSHSP i love that drink and like especially since our school makes the food heart shaped is even better like last year we had heart shaped pizza it was so yummy 😋 but like the worst part about it is the couples dancing because that make sme feel so sad 😪 i have no one mane but like I have 12 days left so like I anything could happen I can't wait to find my dress, but yeah for valentines.. now let's talk abt thr blr 🤭 I can't wait for this month because like I have alot of stuff planned but watch me fail to even do it 😭 but yk that's always OK as long as I can release one thing I'll be okay ykwim. I'm so excited for you smau tho like it's gonna be amazing I can already tell like watch it be do good.. I can sense yk but like time for the game thingy I always add? (idk what to call it) soo... NAHH MY TUMBLR ISNT LETTING ME TYPE 😕 ILL and it won't even let me add images I stg tumblr it is so.. 😡

OKG YOUR SCHOOOL DOES HEART SHAPED FOOD??? THATS SO CUTE 😭 i have a funny story now that you mentioned food . at school the other day my friend was serving food (he’s in culinary shop) and he was like “*my name* are you gonna eat the nuggets?” and i was like “i don’t know, why?” and he was like “i put an extra one on here for you” AND THEN IN FRONT OF ME A GUY IN MY SHOP THAT SITS NEXT TO ME TOOK IT 😭 i’m excited for you blr active era …. omg once you find your dress you have to show me . and YASS FIND A VALENTINE 🤭🤭 if you don’t it’s okay. i’ll virtually be yours. even tho. my friend is already mines. she doesn’t have to know it’s okay.

here’s your fav haerin :

i actaully think i am newjeans ot5 . i love minji and hanni my ults but i also love all of them #newjeansot5

#͏͏⏤ 🎙️pass the mic ¡!#͏͏⏤ 🫂 tzyuki moots ¡!#͏͏⏤ ★ lyna ¡!#ི꒰͡ ໋. lyna rants

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pwblogarchive · 2 months

Text

December 2006

December 3, 2006

“status”

yesterday i fell backwards through a window- sure it was sugarglass and light wood.still felt the nerves slip.been sleeping 3 hour nights.i love watching people sing and speak and write about the people and things that they love.it makes me feel regular again.gave up on love when i started seeing about it in gossip rags.gave up on god when i realized one day my father was gonna die.gave up on myself too many times to count- you could trade mistakes for sheepand count me away forever at night.thanks for never giving up on me.even when you truly should have.and most of our incoherrent thought is wasted on whether it will mean more to stay or to go. if we can get home before the light hits our bedroom.

December 3, 2006

“a penny for your thoughts”

im sensing some antidote in the way the world has been speaking to me.but im all heart with these fingers stuck in my ears-playing scenes from my childhood so loud that i cant hear whats happened to me.you cant fly these wings, you cant sleep in this box with me.somewhere theres a backroom for us to be swapping spit in. a ditch for me to be forgotten again."there are plenty of fish in the sea" quip pretty fisherman on boats in stocked lakes and fish farms.do you think about me when you see the moon in the afternoon?"shape up or ship out"im nailed and boarded up in a box addressed to somewhere else.of all gods jokes, i am the most cruel- i will make you forget your headand your rulesand your friendsand your faithwe are bricks on gas pedals.we are the ink on forged checks.i will make you mine and then forget you.my head is too crowded for the company.can we go back to how it was?before there was a world out the front door that got off on being down.stockpiled good fortune and am ready to wait out the storm.i want you in my after 12am veins.lately it all just feels like looking up through ice in a frozen pond at red cheeked families skating, carefree.to be honest, even though im nodding off in airport lounges-id rather lay my head on a curb somewhere with you than any of the rest of it.and the universe doesnt care about luck or headlines.someone whispered "make yourself" in my ear once.steal me away from all of this.make yourself.

12/03/06 Q&A

question

I was just wondering, how much profanity can be expected on the new album?

answer

not too much more than what you hear in “arms race”- though i have a mouth like a sialor. i tend to write in more hyper sexualized metaphors- nothing that would warrant a sticker or anything tho…

question

who you like better.. old pete or new pete?

answer

people always seem to be in a constant state of flux. noone stays the same forevr but the change never seems to happen overnight. old pete got grounded alot and stuff but to tell you the truth ive never cared too much for either. in all honesty.

question

pete, you guys owe the midwest big time you tottaly skipped us on the FOE tour…you arent playing a show in iowa or chicago… =[

answer

duh like wed ever space out on our hometown, like we dont have something super special planned just for you that is NOT part of the tour—- that goes for a couple of places we are “skipping”- have a bit of faith. we try not to let you down…

question

Push-up bras: in or out in 2006?

answer

im not wearing them anymore this year, so i guess no.

December 4, 2006

i want to fall in love with someone who can speak parseltongue.

- xo

December 8, 2006

minus : bill and teds excellent adventure was almost halfway done when i got home. and i wasted my night thinking of someone who will never understand me.minus/plus:i cut off my hair and jumped through a sheet of glass for our new video. plus: when napoleon eats the huge banana split in bill and teds: ziggy piggy ziggy piggy. i got an igloo dog house and fake snow for hem to play in. way more fun than whatever else i oculd have been doing. going to see panic tommorrow.

- xo

December 12, 2006

5:31am

i cant explain the feeling that has been exactly the same since the first moment you bobbed your head, had your spit shoot out of your mouth when singing along, or been crush on the railing on the front of the stage.everything else aside. the flashes, the numbers, everything- i hope i am judged and remembered only by how you have felt and sung along.it is a testament to who i wish i was and am always striving to become. because as much as we saved you- you have saved me.the shows feel the same. i was worried. but a smile or a wink reminds me that we are still part of the same machine that noone else understands.sorry if this is corny but these were the thoughts going through my head as i iced my back today after the show. if i fall apart, if we didnt sell a single record- this was still the best adventure story ever written. and i am endlessly grateful for that. ill now go back to being a douchebag.i think youre gonna like the new video.... let us know if youre hearing arms race on the radio by you.... just putting the final touhces on the record- yeah we know its like shopping for presents on xmas eve. but oh well. we dont want to let anyone down, not ourselves or you.xo.sleep fast, dream hard.ps i miss my dog.

- xo

Dec 14 2006

02:26:00

dear you,

sometimes we get caught up in riding the moment, good or bad. mental health or our bodies. usually its never as bad as it seems in our own heads or in those seconds when it seems like noone else can empathize. but the truth is, as reluctant as we are to admit it- there are strains inside of us that make us exactly the same. together and alone all at once. crashing thoughts like chemistry. playing these club shows has been like heaven for me- its the closest i can get to being that little band again- and i love every minute of it. its exciting and crushing- pins and needles everywhere in anticipation. seeing the same old faces on the barricades but with new smiles. i have high hopes that you will come with us on this record if only because i feel like i/we owe it to you. i listen to the songs over and over again and hope that they hit you in that same spot but in a brand new way.

post video: my back will be okay,so will my hair (haha as okay as it ever was), i am in love with my band more than anything else on the planet. i hope you like the video.

i feel like a hack giving advice to you on the q & a when the truth is, i dont really have a clue to get through life on my own.i havent been able to sleep since we left on tour this week- my question to you- what do you do to fall asleep?

thanks for always being there. even when you probably shouldnt.

it puts me at ease knowing that someone else doesnt get it as much as i dont get it.

December 14, 2006

“be my unholy, my one and lonely. (the inside of my head, unfiltered).”

computer broke. back broke. love broke.

but the ship is gonna look pretty at the bottom of this sea.

my memory is a steel trap.

your face has been filed away- to be scrutinized later.

to be despised.

to be loved.

to be sought.

to be dreamt of.

i am the inside of "i dont care".

right in the middle.

staring at you.

i have you read before you even say your name.

except when im wrong

and my whole world tips on end.

"i loved everything about you that hurts".

everything i love about you is a mess- is the reason you cant get through your days.

i keep the tv on loud in hotel rooms so i dont feel alone.

i wear scarves and hoods cause theyre the only poker face ive got left.

in my head i smash mirrors and break palm readers' hands.

i love to write of sex and bodies pressed against eachother- but i am not a closer and never will be, i cant get my mind to shut off long enough to make moves. id rather remember the smell of your hair and the way you faked like you were too drunk to drive home.

id rather break you down.

i dread human contact but cant stand to sleep alone- two parts of me that are constantly at war with each other.

every single mirror is a trick mirror. not just the funhouse ones. we see what we want.

i wish i could live a billion years just to evolve beyond love.

only the science of that doesnt really add up, and besides i am addicted to it.

if you cut me open i am the single most regular person that has ever existed.

it scares me.

it electrifies me.

i have put my belief in god in a sort of holding pattern- i close my eyes hard and want to believe. just because this cant be it. but im not ready to commit. keep flying. one of these days were gonna run out of fuel.

the famous < the infamous.

i want to become better than i am.

i want cures instead of houses.

and hope instead of hype.

only its all so big that i dont even know where to start.

birth and death are just the bookends, no one explains how to find happiness in between.

my mood changes before i finish whole sentences. hence the fragments.

if anyone ever knew the whole truth im pretty sure they would lock me up and throw away the key.

i dont like to talk or play certain songs because they are just an unhappy blur in my life when somewhere inside of me i was sure id be dead before anyone ever heard them.

i wish jimminy cricket was my best friend.

i think hed keep me on track.

its no fun hating someone who hates themself so much more.

youre just an amateur.

you cant complain about your back and then jump off of high things.

well you can but then you just look silly.

my attention span, my temper, my faith and my height are all pretty much just short.

if i ever really had three wishes i am sure id waste them on ruining three peoples lives.

disappointing people is my thing baby, find a new gig, this town aint big enough for the two of us.

i have a love/hate relationship with being forgotten.

i fall asleep on the keyboard all the time, i think it is of some comfort to me.

i cant wait to meet the person i will want to grow old with.

posted by xo @ 12:29 AM

December 16, 2006

2:57am

Have heart, willing to travel.

- xo

December 16, 2006

come on just let me make out with one of your friends and we'll call it even

caged all the free spirits.lets make them shiny so we see them glisten on the ocean bottom.well take your flaws and polish them as good as new-that is except for jealousy, theres been a recall on that one.expect version 2.0turned the corners of my eyes out as though they were my pockets, as i pass by men sleeping in boxes looking for loose change.fix me or forget me. at this point im going for whichever is easier.im guessing i look like i just got off a bender cause everyone keeps saying "you really should get some rest".like that was the problem.it feels like a surgeon who cant cut himself open to save his own life.going AWOL from ghost towns.look into mirrors-"wipe that smile off your fucking face."my dreams are all backyards in the suburbs and you.and whatever happens in between just make sure our plots are matching and next to eachother.its kind of tough being a people pleaser when you arent too fond of people in general.on steroids for the back- no, not the cool kind. though one of the side effects is dementia.living out of a suitcase changes your outlook on the world.its hard to imagine a time when any of this made sense.a flight.fizz of tonic water.clicking of hotel room keys."ive never done this before"s.you need oxygen tanks to climb the mountains i have made of these molehills.keep me away from the inside of your head.

December 16, 2006

here's to fresh starts

Today was one of the longest ever for me.I have no explanation. Except that relief can come from the last place you'd ever expect.Sometimes the people you expect to be there are no shows. Especially when you're on the tile floor heaving.I am ready to be me again.I miss my puppy. I think you dreamt me alive.

December 18, 2006

love/hate

I am sur ei have been loved. I have obsessed over love. the kind of love of getting in and out of trouible. I have hoped for love that is beyond you beiung caught by me or me trying to slip through the cracks. I hope for a love that is like astronomers who desribe distant planets. Even as experts it is a too far off to even properly calculate no matter how much you adore it. And I am no expert. When was the last time you felt proud of me? Ask myself when was the last time I did anything worth your pride? When was the last time I was moved, not like a piece in a board game but truly moved. When was the last time I didn't see the world in an "you always stick your neck out" or "can't catch a break" kind of way. You are the kind they cut off ears for and start wars over. You are a distant planet, noone would get from afar. You are the dream that I can't remember but can't forget. You are the trap door magicians never reveal. You're my last trick. You're my grand finale.

December 18, 2006

“diamonds into coal.”

i am a terrible typer on a sidekick as proven in the previous post.

i hate hotel room life.

i hate doing interviews.

i hate reading interview i have done.

i am overdramatic.

i am overly pessimistic. i only see the worst in everything.

but i smile and nod along anyway.

i dont believe a word anyone says to me.

but id really like to believe in everything.

this list is boring. i miss my dog.

December 19, 2006

being in new york brings back strange memories of fall. i am really excited for everyone to see the new video tommorrow. though i am completely bummed out to see people selling tickets for ridiculous amounts of money for the friends or enemies tour. the whole point of this tour was for us to play some small rooms with our dedicated fans. i dont really think there is anything we can do legally about people who are taking advantage of this. the only thing i can think of is that we will go around venues before the show and try to give out a few tickets for free (i doubt we will have many extra as most have sold out). dont feed into this. we will keep playing smaller shows and secret ones- as well as a bigger spring tour. i promise you will get a chance to see us. we are going to go everywhere. please dont let these vultures get you down.

- xo

December 20, 2006

to only you:there was this girl- a doll. hanging and dancing on strings. black hair and smiling. she lived just off of a town called naivety... some place i have driven through from time to time. and i never had an idea. cut the strings so we could run down the street under trees and roll in the grass. never meant for it to become what it did in so many different ways. never meant to always leave the driveway headed one direction and never knew what waited when i returned. only that her eyes were the lights in the windows that i pulled up to in the snow. slipping off the ends of icy roads at nights racing home through the night no matter what. and the miles got father and farther in between. and i couldnt ever figure myself out to save a thing. but now i cut those strings and she is forever dancing or lying or waiting in the lit windows for vans and buses that came less and less. and i wrote the harshest words and she wrote the harshest words. she turned from a doll into a girl and i from a boy into a monster and back into a boy now and again. eyes always red and puffy. pride always on the line. things were much simpler when she was on strings for her i think. things were much simpler when the van only went so far. before i had to press a picture of her and paste it on dashes and inside of bunks everywhere. i cant explain how i got here. it doesnt make any sense. she could follow the articles and videos or my pieced together stories. or a dog. or a dream. or words that make half sense sent in the middle of the night. and even when im telling the truth it doesnt matter cause the phone is always dead. and i am always 30,000 feet in the air flying somewhere. but i keep the warmest memories close to my heart even when im at payphones and want to cut my insides out,, dry them up and mail them to her. "im sorry" doesnt matter anymore. the words have no meaning. im sorry i cut the strings and ran away. now when i come to look for her i dont know where to begin. its hard to not say "its all my fault" but it goes through my head over and over so i cant sleep with out the AMBIENce of my bed and the puppy. bane songs. boomerangs. badnews. arkansas. goodbye love i didnt know you well or maybe too well.

- xo

December 24, 2006

they say this thing between us is getting old, but i think of it more like vintage love.

im like one of those movies you buy in a hotel with every button but rewind.have at it.your jokes.your ring tones.it doesnt matter.i cant ever get the right words to the right people.lying on the side, tears fall from your left eye into your right.filling it and spilling over. and so on.spilling out. but not pretty like in the movies.phones are always dead.white lights hanging on houses, breath in the air-everything about right now reminds me that i am all alone.and how terrible i am because of the thoughts that run through my head.like im pretty sure i could get some sleep if you were dead and gone.but not in a "drop dead" kind of way, more like you couldnt fuck with my head anymore.a snow day on giving a fuck about anything.sit here and stare at the television because thats what im supposed to do.forget to eat.sit in the roped off corner of a club because thats what im supposed to do.forget to care.and i just want to write a story or a song that makes everyone forget their troubles but im not too sure that i have it in me.hot spots become luke warm.i just want one person to know me completely before i die.i want maternity wards on stage for the delivery.spent the afternoon in an mri- its like preparation for lying in a coffin forever. it was a fear i havent experienced since i was young. the shaking and the sounds and the closeness of it all. everyone loves an underdog. every dog will have its day. top dogs. all dogs go to heaven and such....

December 25, 2006

he said "i brought the hoody back all them other boys dont know how to act"

when i was little i wanted to be max from where the wild things are when i grew up.kind of bonkers, cause he was just a kid too.

12/25/06 Q&A

question

is it true you and andy had a fight? and now fall out boy is breaking up?

answer

nope. not breaking up anytime soon. contrary to whatever stupid things have come out of any of our mouths near journalists. we are currently doing better than brad and angelina- no break up in sight.

12/28/06

question

dear pete i hope you liked your christmas i know i did i got the clandestine bag i wanted and tickets to the red hot chili peppers concert i just wanted to say i look up to you because you let me down every time i needed help i asked you because i didnt know who to turn to my older brother being the jerk he is never helped me in any way and you never answered any questions with any substance anyways i dont know how many times i posted my questions but i digress i learned that you cant depend on the people you look up to, to help you out with advice i learned to help myself out and just face my problems and if i make a wrong turn well ill learn from that too so i just wanted to thank you for making me that much more independent i still love fall out boy sooo much too much in fact or so ive been told im not just another fan that listens to you guys and asks you stupid questions i am a fan that loves your music and i know not to depend on you for advice cause you cant help me i can only help myself sorry if im dragging on but im trying to get my point across im not sure if you will ever read this one im pretty sure you wont and im okay with that cause that will prove my point ill give you three trys to answer cause i dont know how your answering process works three cheers for questions with no substance -sincerely me *strike two*

answer

glad you had a good christmas. as far as answering questions- i miss alot of them- either do to timing or that i didnt feel capable of answering or whatever. usually i answer whatever sticks out to me. sometimes goofy ones, sometimes serious ones. we as a band try to be role models the best that we can. im sorry that you felt let down. its great to be independent and i think its awesome that this question wasnt a “fuck you i hate your band cause you didnt answer my question”… it sucks to feel skipped over i know that. im glad that it sounds like youre doing well. hope your family situation has gotten better.

question

i was watching release the bats and was wondering if your parents had seen it and what they thought of it. i was oddly fascinated yet disgusted. nice job

answer

i think my mom thinks its funny. my brother and me have been doing stuff like that since we were little- so its not too shocking.

question

Since your famous to some people. Would you ever like Wierd Al to make a song about you and the rest of the band? If so, what do you think he would sing about you and the band?

answer

we grew up on weird al. we’d love the honor of being mocked in a song of his- i think maybe “where is your beer tonight? i hope it is a heineken”

#fall out boy #pete wentz #livejournal

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