#mind you when i was writing this i didnt think of ocd

[cconfusedkat]

Hey so what’s your drawing process?

GET OUT MY HOU---

I have never been asked this b4! :-O Im drawing at the moment so it wouldnt hurt to explain how i do my refs for example heehoo

First i shallablamkdabdomdb I Think. I brainstorm. Im like. How does this character behave and act towards their everyday surroundings. 🤔🤨.... and then im like BAM I GOT YOU NOW!!!!! Sooo for the ram , for example- shes around 17 and is like ,, Shes very messy yet energetic ,, a god of war at her age makes her very energetic and outgoing since she has all this power (and well i guess it doesnt help she has adhd but-) so i was thinking about her pose as something rlly silly and dynamic

As i got used to drawing poses it was actually smth i learned from a couple of my moots- one of my moots got a similiar ask like this nd i took it with a big bag of rice and RAN ,,, Its all about me wanting to make dynamic poses- im not the best at fluid bests For Now but IM GETTING THERE ,

But yes sorry; thinking about my poses, sketch it twice, begin linearting- but after i finish lineart, i create different layers of coloring because my brain (ocd) tells me things and if i dont do This Thag Way I Will Be Killed On Spot With A Nuclear Ray From The Sky

I do lineart first, draw the face over on another layer, do hair color first, then body color under the hair color,, after im finished with that i then go HEEERRRM. NOW. Does it deserve a little razzle dazzling? A little speckle spackle? Do i want to render it? Do i want to change the lineart color to highlight the characters main color scheme? Yap yap yap my process isnt ALWAYS like this but its usually that way-

For allure though i can use a good example for this- when drawing allure—if i want to line their hair with the darker beige—i create two more layers and then draw over their hActually this doesnt make any sense I MEAN. WELL. I COULD PROBABLY JUST SHOW THE TIMELAPSE. Oh yeah I overuse the undo and redo button as well as using a FUCK ton of references from pinterest

But heres what my canvas looks like atm :-] if i want to make size comparisons i lower the opacity of the finished art and sketch over that with how tall or small the character is- aaliyah here is the shortest and smallest so to make sure i did her height and body size right i use the transform tool to slide her across the grid and go "is she smaller than i made her ??? Is she TALLER than i made her?? Did i manage to do her body weight correctly???" Etc etc

,,

Okay maybe nothing i said made actual senseMAYBE ILL TALK ABOUT MY OTHER EXAMPLES...? Im Digging

For something like this i actually kept th sketch BWAHAHA- i didnt really feel like tracing over it again (at least more or so properly-) so i shrugged, went Fuck It, then made my sketch the lineart layer. I put the flat color beneath it afterwards, put Alpha Lock on so i can shade, and bada bing Bada Boom ,, background comes after everything else (BAD HABIT) (COMPOSITION AND PERSPECTIVE R HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY WHERE MY CHARACTER STANDS-)

Uhh what elseOhYeah if its a standalone sheet for me or a friend- i draw the two poses that come to mind first, write down all the information i was provided (eithet myself or a friend), and then draw anything else i want to next to the poses if theres space left,, this is my brothers lamb and so i went back nd forth asking doll if what was okay and what wasnt okay to add-

ABSOLUTELY YAPFESTING . SORRY. I HOPE SOME OF THAT MADE SENSE. I know this wasnt an advice ask but if people ever needed advice from me i usually fuck it up cuz my Very Own process confuses me sometimes-

I usually either take 1 hour or 2 days to finish something (yes im That chronically online and insane to draw for 48 hours straight without sleeping)

That or if i hate something i go insane (negatively) over it and refuse to ask for peer review (at least sometimes-) so im like Okay Fuck This Wip. This Doesnt Exist Anymore

[ceeceetumbles]

that freaking stupid summer festival episode of charisma house makes me cry every. time. every time. it squeezes my heart in one fist until the juices run between its fingers.

so like. i have ocd.

ive had ocd for a really, really long time. my parents didnt know what it was. i didnt know what it was. even as i got older and learned more about mental illnesses, i didn't think "oh... that might be me." and part of the reason for that is, um, u know how ocd usually gets portrayed in media? obsessive hand washing, organizing, etc etc etc. i dont have that ocd.

i have scrupulosity.

i have be good. i have be. good. i have down on my knees for hours at a time praying for forgiveness. i have oh mom i dont think i can wear this shirt. it goes down too low. it is immodest. (it sat just below my collarbone). i have i do genuinely believe that it is genuinely morally wrong to throw away anything that is recyclable because that is hurting the planet and i still do it sometimes but like if i think about it im like oh yeah that was a morally bad thing for me to throw away that recyclable plastic cup and it makes me uncomfortable. i have BE. GOOD. BE GOOD. BE GOOD.

that is my ocd. that is my brain.

i have, as one might say, an obsessive need for perfect, law-abiding order.

i am, as one might say, kusanagi rikai.

but im not. not really. i dont yell at other people to follow my brains own rules. i am not as loud as he is. i am not as pushy. i am more of a quiet, anxious, desperate, so burnt-out from so many years of intense moral perfection in my mind that i barely care anymore, type of scrupulosity.

and rikai is loud.

but god. that one episode. number seventy-two.

i pulled it up to reference the dialogue and im already feeling it.

this episode expresses an aspect of my ocd my brain my scrupulosity the thing that has ruined my entire life and stolen my childhood from me it expresses such a deep and gutting aspect of it that i barely knew how to articulate. i dont know how they did this. i dont know if rikai is supposed to actually have ocd like mine. i dont know if they just imagined what it would be like to live as rikai and i do or if someone in that writing room has personal experience with this. i dont know. all i know is rikai in this episode is

me.

because he is looking around at the festival. stunned. how are people doing these things and enjoying it? how are they eating unsanitary food? how are they letting themselves get ripped off at raffles?

and then, quietly, he says,

"this is... normal, huh. yes, this is normal...

i do realize that i'm the crazy one here. right?"

and i start crying.

its so simple. "i do realize that im the crazy one here." his voice soft and resigned.

because my entire life i have been staring around myself with wild eyes. "why is everyone so bad? why are they doing these things? why dont they see what i see? why do i understand what they dont? why dont they understand? why is everyone leaving things half-done and dirty and taking shortcuts and being unsanitary and devious and why am i the only one who understands how to be good? why does no one else see?"

and now i realize oh. i see.

im just crazy. i just have a malfunctioning brain.

everything i see as good, and common sense, and necessary, is actually unusual and uncomfortable and unwelcome levels of. order.

everything i see around me is normal. theyre not the ones who are doing things wrong.

im just crazy.

and its so. so. isolating. and its so. so. frustrating. why is everyone else... normal?

i do realize im the crazy one here.

and its such a simple scene. and its such a simple line.

but when i watched that drama track for the first time i had to set my phone down. i felt so seen. so heard. so understood. i cried. its such a deep, isolating feeling. to look around yourself and see nothing but unlawful chaos and then to know that you are the broken one. that this all is normal. youre just wrong. youre right, objectively - that food is unhygienic, and people would be better off spending their money on things that are not rigged raffles - but no matter how right you are in theory, in practice, that means absolutely nothing.

youre just crazy.

the odd man out forever. you can never be normal.

its okay, rikai. try your best to eat something with unwashed hands.

hopefully it wont make you sick.

hopefully. its worth it, right? to act normal.

[evilevilevilnotevilevilagain]

26, 27, D, & F for ka pleeeeaaaaaase

:') awe ty for sending an ask ragsy. I'm gonna go w Sundering KA since theyve got the most cohesive story n development...

 26. What is their preferred mode of transportation?  

Honestly, KA largely prefers going on foot. They don't much trust horses, don't really like relying on others in general(whether animal or man) & they don't have the means of owning one themself. Carriages are rare around Thornmouth since a lot of it is kind of underground. (Modern KA by contrast is a huge car geek and loves vintage muscle cars. They own a Shelby Mustang and yes its absolutely ruined their credit)

27. What causes them to feel dread? 

Falling below their own set standards. Doing a suboptimal job. KA's philosophy denies success and instead works off the idea that failure is inevitable. It is always lurking just around the corner and everybody knows it. Lurking in search of them in particular. All they can do is keep balancing on the knifes edge, always racing against their own demise. They wont admit it, but every time they fuck up a job their brain does very much scream at them that their boss hates them and is going to kill them now.

Its probably one of those delightful ocd holdovers from their early cult days. Ascension is virtually impossible, but falling below is all too easy and so difficult to claw your way back up from.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

HMM. Actually their very first iteration had facial tattoos that I ended up taking off bcus it just felt like too much visual noise. And also I couldnt draw the knife tats in a way that didnt feel too cartoony n goofy... kinda took away from the general angstiness of KA. I also don't think as they are now they wouldve even allowed someone else to tattoo their body and face. It would be far too intrusive.

Technically their helmet changed too since inception, though that's been something I've always played around with, still do even now. But it does kinda have its baseline look. Its a teeny bit more "practical" now haha.

They were also a lot thinner, which is always a fault of mine, esp at first w chara designs vv; cus drawing wiry long thin limbs is just so fun. But theyve since moderately bulked up. I still like to think of them as an agile fighter, strike hard and fast type of guy, so theyre not like a bodybuilder or anything, but theyre sturdy. I may sometime still fall into that pitfall... but trying to be better abt it. Esp bcus most settings theyre in theyre also like, forty years old. They have more of a plank bodyshape now. Strong thighs, arms r more wiry. They are still terrible abt hydration tho, so more muscle definition in the torso lol. Still trying to balance not very wide shoulders w still making them look imposing. Always striving for making them look cool while simultaneously acknowledging that theyre an AFAB person n may not always pass, n doesnt have any access to modern gender affirming care.

(modern settings they might still be more thin, esp when theyre younger.)

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Idk I think KA's badass and hot lol. But more seriously, yeah I am actually pretty proud of their character. Their story for Sundering I feel like is one of the best Ive come up with to date. It has all the little things youd want in a character arc. Theres twists and turns and unforeseen circumstances changing the course of the plot, shifting character motivations, a moderately sized supporting cast.

As a person? Sure, KA is frustrating as hell. Theyre stuck in their ways and I always have to keep that in mind and not give them *too* much character growth n self awareness lmao. Theyre an interesting mix of contradictions, but thats also what I find most fun in crafting a fictional character in general, because thats what feels most true to life.

N I am always so so excited to write KA against other characters and show just how deranged the way they navigate life is <3 So yeah idk, excitement is most apt I guess. Always dying to get inside their head some more.

[feral-teeth]

7) pinky

You held me in the palm of your hand, wrapped around your pinky, and i was left, wondering if you would ever think of me that way, if you would ever love me or my art as much as i loved you. I was wrapped around your pinky and i wasnt even connected to you in any way. You were so detached and distant to me, it was like it hurt you to love me. Why cant you love me as much as i love you? I dont think youll understand how much i love you.

Im thinking about the driveway up my uncle and aunts house whenever i think about you, this fic that im writing. Its set in the 80s and its my whole life and i think it represents the summer that i wish i could screenshot and put in my pocket and its full of angst and religious trauma and ocd thoughts and sex that isn’t explicit and love and sex and high school confusion. The driveway that led to something new, a new house with new experiences that represented the summer and also all of the Christmases i spent there. How i wish i could spend another day left but theyre moving and the drive is too far because its in the middle of nowhere north bay and i miss you and the moments but it will never be the same like the baby deer we saw at the back window with my uncle still in his robe from waking up in the morning and i hadnt slept that night because there was too much on my mind and in my brain as it rattled around as i wanted ti stay in that moment forever.

I miss you, i miss that moment. I miss holding my cousins baby in my arms, i feel so disconnected from her and that moment now, Christmas. A haze of lights and a memory now. Shes older now, shes becoming herself. A libra, too. The only libra in my life now that the one that i would go to for advice in love and life and being spontaneous is dead now. I drew her when she died, i didnt know i was. I was in my basement on the couch, and as my ear rang with a message (right now actually) i drew her soul, a beautiful drawing of a skeleton with wings and i knew she was gone but hopefully in peace. I miss her. The only libra in my life until now. I miss her, i miss you, im missing too much.

I am sad to think that all of the edits and drawings and pieces of art will never be shown to the world. I wish i could put it all out there but its not physically possible for me to do that, so i guess i will just do my best.

February Prompts

burning skin

leap of faith

goose

the promise

upriver

the last you saw of [him/her/them]

pinky

apollo

i'll never leave you

maraschino cherries

neck bruise

kitty

nickname

celestial kiss

memory of the cliffs

fragility

paperback

ophanim

unclouded vision

ongoing drama

survivors of _______

hospital bed

equation

snow moon

temple

samurai

middle age

fragrant perfume

blank stare

[addoration]

fanfic writer 20 questions

i wasn't tagged but @zebsfloppyears invited anyone who wanted to do this to do so, n i was bored. hope u dont mind vienna!

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 79. i have 79 works. and im working on a long fic rn so i probably wont be uploaded another fic for a while to make that number rounded. its bothering me. 2. whats your total ao3 word count? 232,222 3. how many fandoms have you written for and what are they? 7 fandoms! most.. prolifically? if i may use that word.... for loz breath of the wild, and his dark materials. 4. what are your top five fics by kudos? 1. finding words enough - i legit dont remeber much of this but basically link is mute and revali speaks on his behalf. ppl seem to love it. rated G. 2. making cocoa for spencer reid - just a lil criminal minds family piece between rossi and reid, idk. bit of a character study! rated T. 3. magic might stain the air - my first merlin fic i posted (out of 2. lmao) but i really hate this one becaue i rushed it and i could have done so much better!!!!! rated M, beware tags. 4. snow on snow, snow on snow - i rllyy dont remember this one at all. lmao. link/revali pre-slash, rated G. 5. whenever we feel - we evaporate - i think? this was my first fic on ao3! and it's the first part of a lil aziraphale/crowley series that became dearly beloved to me but i never really got back to. rated T.

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not? i do now!! i didn't used to because i had an ocd thing about seeing the number go up when half of them were my responses, but thats an obsession that has since left me. i want to apologise to everyone who commented n didnt get a reply sdfghjsf i feel so awkward n i cant respond to comments made years ago now lmao. now i love responding to comments, its such a joy to communicate with my readers and thank them for their kind words!!!!

6. whats the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? i dont write angsty endings; the fics can get as angsty as possible but they must always end happily. sorry :/

7. do you write crossovers? no, i don't. they're not for me!

8. have you ever recieved hate on a fic? not hate exactly.... but i do recall one comment telling me they thought i had rushed the work and it was a bit sloppy (not in so many words tho). i totally agreed with the commenter but i was a bit :/ at reading that yknow

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind? i have been known to write smut occasionally, though i dont think i have a "kind" or a "brand".

10. have you ever had a fic stolen? not that i know of, but (as vienna said in their answer), it's not something that i think about or check for!

11. have you ever had a fic translated? nope! i welcome it though.

12. have you ever co-written a fic before? nope! in theory i would be open to it however i am probably very difficult to work with lmao

13. whats your all time favourite ship? such a hard question because it rlly depends what fandom im currently in, but. baruch/balthamos live rent free in my head. as do aziraphale/crowley, espeically my specific brand of them which is queerplatonic <3

14. what's a wip you want to finish but dont think you ever will? lmao if you had asked me a week ago, i would have said my current longfic, when you catch him, he burns through your heart, like a shooting star burns the skies but im actively up and working on that again, so. i guess something i dont imagine i'll return to any time soon is my series of harth/link fics, you hold my touch in you, simply because it's been a while now, and i dont imagine that such a minor npc as harth will be in botw's sequel, so... how will i rekindle my desire to write for them. idk! it's all up in the air though - i haven't necessarily abandoned any of my unfinished fics, theyre just on indefinite haitus.

15. what are your writing strengths? i would like to think that my poet's voice shines through my prose and therefore that my description is sufficiently good! lmao i have to sometimes physically stop myself from writing 5 paragraphs waxing poetic about the scenery. also honourary mention to dialogue. im pretty proud of some of the lines of dialogue ive written.

16. what are your writing weaknesses? hhghgh action. handling a big plot sensitively. ive been really struggling with making sure ive got hold of all my threads in my long fic. i dont think ive let go of any yet but im constantly paranoid that ive dropped one lmao. also i find action so hard!! the pacing of it, the choice of words, the making sure the reader doesnt get bored by not over or under describing whats happening! hhg.

17. what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language? if this means in the sense that a character is speaking a different language in the fic, then. i've seen it done a few ways. personally i ofc want to understand whats being said, so i like it best when the line is written in english but perhaps put in italics, with a tag saying smth like "they said in french/whatever langauge". ive also seen it done as typed in the langauge followed by the english translation in italics. either way works, i just don't rlly like it when it's completely untranslated!! even having like a lil dictionary in the end notes works.

18. what was the first fandom you ever wrote for? good omens lmao. i wrote fic before that but im not going into that, and i dont even think i could find it again bc it's lost in the depths of ff.net. i was also 13/14. so yeah :/

19. what's your favourite fic you've ever written? ppl dont really like this fic bc it's gen/not shippy and possibly also bc it was inspired by music, but. i have a real soft spot for my fic rose quartz and cool safflina. (botw, T) i wrote it while listening to la dispute's album panorama, and i think having the music helped me write with such a good flow. it's a very poetic piece, though. not for everyone. i also rlly like the great frost of 1684 (good omens, Gen) though neither of them are anywhere near my popular works' stats.

20. who do you tag? low pressure tagging @snidgetwidgeon, @itcantbe, @cyraclove, @unmaskedcardinal and everyone else who fancies it!!

[bowtied-pasta]

Soulmate marathon part 2

Its impossible to lie to your soulmate

Character: Ben

Working as the only full timer at a gamestop can really drive you wild. Between karen mothers that want to buy their baby boys the best there is because they deserve it to the frankly odd men that decide you were just fresh for the picking despite the fact that soulmates existed, youve pretty much seen it all.

Most customers are normal though, stereotypes not having been one to rule your town, the same can be said about your store. Well, not your store, but for tonight it is. The manager out of town on vacation, you were left in charge of the place for the week. Being entrusted with closing while another manager from the next town over was asked to open for the part timers to function during the day.

You almost always got to see the same customers, day in and day out. That being said, you definetly noticed the three new faces that walked into the store as the sun touched the horizon, making you glance at your watch. 6pm is what it read, a perfectly normal time for the sun to set around this time of year.

You could have been able to tell that the young men who walked in were new to the store just based on how they behaved when walking in, but you also see a lot of the same faces because of repeat buisness. All work has a pattern, it just takes a worker to figure it out.

You announce your presence behind the counter, telling them to take their time and to ask you any questions if they need any help with anything. They nod in confirmation and go about their buisness, looking for whatever it is that they had their minds set on when entering.

You continue checking all the stuff that the part timers left in their hurricane-like wake, they never did have the best organizational skills, and it never failed to set off your slight ocd. Always finding small things to adjust. 

You begin logging into your till as you see them make their way over to you, each of them setting a few games down on the counter and you begin scanning them up.

“Did you guys find everything you were looking for?”

“No, but its fine. I know you wont have it, were stopping somewhere else for it.”

The one in the middle responded. The green beanie on top of his blonde headed self reminding you of Link, you suppose it would only be cemented by the taller, darker version of him that was standing right next to him. The last one ridiculously reminded you of a pokemon trainer, the clothes matching well with a certain mobile app that had come out a while ago.

You scan the last game and sigh a bit when a message pops up on the screen. Great... that god awful thing that nobody wanted to be asked for.

“Alright, which one of you is paying, because I need to see..... uh......”

As you were about to ask for an ID your screen blacked out for a moment, making you worry that the jacked up system had finally decided to crash, only for it to come back up and show you that an ID was no longer required. You frown at that, glancing at the game and seeing the rating that said M.

“Whats up?”

You glance up at the men, beanie smiling at you sweetly as if he knew something you didnt.

“Oh. Nothing, guess the computer is slow tonight. It almost had me asking for your ID.”

You smile at them as you shrug a bit, slipping the last game into the bag as you wrap up with checking them out.

“Alright, totals 260.... How are all of you doing tonight?”

Goth boy and pokemon dude, as you had mentally dubbed them, both gave shrugs and mumbled answers of being alright, but the guy in the beanie shocked you with his honesty.

“Im dead. Yourself?”

Goth boy and pokemon dude both whip their heads to gawk at the other, their eyes wide. Making you laugh a bit.

“Im certainly feeling like it. If I have to close this bitch down one more time I think I’ll just burn it instead.”

Your eyebrows furrow as you end your sentence. Thats not how you should talk to customers.... why didnt you say your usual shit in your customer service voice? Could he be...

You dont get much time to say much else as pokemon dude whips out a credit card, swiping it quickly as he can before grabbing the bag with the games in it and reaching over the counter to grab the freshly printed reciept. Wrapping his arm around the frozen blonde as he made his way out the door quickly.

Goth boy stood at the counter, eyeing you closely for a few moments before taking the pen on the counter and writing a number on a piece of paper that he slid closer to him on the counter. He wordlessly clicks the pen again and lays it back on the counter, sliding the paper your way with a small smirk.

“His name is Ben. Thats his number, but try not to break him, hes new to being honest.”

And with that he makes his way out the door, off to catch up with his friends that had disappeared in a rush.

[somnilogical]

im having a convo and the convo is babies

Carrie Zelda-Michelle Davis:

is it OK to have babies if you do embryo selection (https://www.gwern.net/Embryo-selection) and raise them to be an FAI researcher (https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/07/31/book-review-raise-a-genius/)??

somni:

like if someone actually had a plan for FAI that involved this, okay. but rn time is too short imo. when i first heard people were having babies i was confused and assumed they were going to harvest the DNA of the best FAI researchers, someone would decide to grow a baby inside them, someone who discounted their ability otherwise to save the world except via this or thought this was a sacrifice worth making for the world would decide to raise this human.

the human can access information about the state of the world and make their own choices. wont necessarily become an FAI researcher.

used to think that intelligence was the main bottleneck on FAI research no longer think this. you could talk with terry tao for hours about the dangers of the wrong singleton coming to power but unless you have made some advances i have not, i wouldnt expect to be able to align him with FAI research. he would continue to put as much resistance to his death and the death of everyone as a pig in human clothing. he would continue to raise his babies and live in a house with someone he married and write about applying ergotic theory to the analysis of the distribution of primes and understanding weather patterns.

similarly, i dont think culture is a sufficient patch for this. think its a neurotype-level problem where a bunch of >160 iq humans hear about the dangers of UFAI and then continue to zoom quickly and spiral in to being ultra efficient at living domestic lives and maybe having a company or something but not one that much affects p(FAI). think this would still happen if they heard about it from a young age, they would follow a similar trajectory but with FAI themed wallpaper. wouldnt be able to do simple utilitarian calculations like yudkowsky, salamon, vassar, tomasik about whether to have a baby and then execute on them.

would look more like: http://www.givinggladly.com/2013/06/cheerfully.html

FAI research is not an ordinary profession like, say, being a grandmaster at chess or a world-class mathematician; it requires people who have passed through far more gates than "intelligence". i didnt notice this until coming to the rationalist community and finding a high density of intelligent humans who were none-the-less chronically making the wrong choices such that they werent much of an impediment against the destruction of all life.

so right now it seems more efficient to select among existing people for intelligence + other requirements rather than work out what all the genes for this are and how to speedrun development. what this enables is parallel processing on the problem which is also allowed by letting people be aware of their relative psychological advantage, other people with this advantage, and the state of the world so they can correlate computations in parallel instead of doing things serially after learning of some advance.

https://puzzling.stackexchange.com/questions/16/100-prisoners-names-in-boxes

not opposed to creation of many humans given can select on right traits. but given you have these traits, better use of your time to work directly on the thing than spend massive amounts of time and life reorientation on raising copies of you for ~14 years. if rapid cloning tech became available, would exploit that. would even have an idea of whether the clone is fine being part of this because they have very similar brain to someone who can think through whether they would be fine with it.

if people actually believed this and thought yudkowsky vitally important for the survival of the world, why didnt people coordinate for a bunch of people who thought it was a good tradeoff to have yudkowsky's baby 20 years ago and then we would have maybe 50 20-year-old humans with maybe 1/2 yudkowsky's neurotype + mutations now? this actually confuses me. maybe they thought the timelines too short back then. maybe they refrained for "optics".

molebdenita:

20 years ago Yudkowsky was 1) unconcerned about the alignment problem and 2) planning to create a super-intelligent AI by 2010, as far as I know.

[A/N so then change 2000 to 2005 and 20-year-old to 15-year-old]

...

somni:

<<in general i think it's -EV to even spend too much time thinking about TDT

because it opens you up to acausal blackmail type stuff>>

Just Say No to acausal blackmail and have your brain back for thinking. dont let blackmailers steal your brain.

<<Saying that having a child is somehow wrong is insanity. It's a personal decision and it is perfectly okay to want kids>>

people keep reframing what i say in the language of obligation. "altruists cant have kids?" "is it OK to have babies if". there is no obligation, there is strategy and what affects p(fai). having kids and reorienting your life around them is 1 evidence about your algorithms 2 your death as an optimizing agent for p(fai) except maybe some contrived plot involving babies, but afaict there is no plot. just the reasons humans usually have babies.

not having kids is not some sort of mitzvah? i care about miri/cfar's complicity in the baby-industrial complex and rerouting efforts to save the world into powering some kind of disneyland for making babies, to sustain this. because that ruins stuff, like i started out thinking that bay area rationalists probably had deeply wise reasons to have babies. but it turned out nope, they kinda just gave up.

like also would say playing videogames for the rest of your life wont usually get you fai. i dont get why everyone casts this as a new rule instead of a comment on strategy given a goal of p(fai).

ah i know, its because people can defend territory in "is it okay to have kids" like "yeah i can do whatever" when they reframe-warp me to giving them an obligation. but have no defensible way to say "my babyvault will pierce the heavens and bring god unto the face of this earth" or argue about the strategic considerations.

(its not defensible because its not true. i mean i guess it is defensible among julia wise's group of humans.)

Carrie Zelda-Michelle Davis:

ugh, you're right, I definitely screwed up by phrasing my question as "is it OK to have babies if [...]"

...

ohAitch:

if you want existential horror wrt damaging motivation, just read http://www.paulgraham.com/kids.html

...

somni:

<<http://www.paulgraham.com/kids.html>>

humans can completely rebase their circuits through that if they want to if it were important to save the world.

like ive rebase my circuits to stab myself downstream of updating that it reduces braindamage with little harm to me. where before i felt nauseated and saw black spots and broke out in sweat. after updating, none of this.

humans can do this with all sorts of things. like learn how to read and then feel sad when seeing squiggles on a page, its about what things mean.

people who dont believe this are like "its an automatic physiological reaction to stabbing yourself, you are its prisoner!!!" but i deleted it.

dirk:

ooh, tips?

silver-and-ivory:

I stopped having ocd about touching tags (like, on clothing?) in ~a week through p standard exposure therapy things

reminding myself that it wasn't based in fact, changing my self image so it was of someone who might be seen with tags, imagining various scenarios related to that

before that week it had been a thing for virtually my entire life

it doesn't work if you're scared of something that's actually a thing to be scared of though

somni:

i looked at all my feedback loops that had a node in "pain" and rebased them into outcomes in the world. i disassembled everything the act of stabbing myself meant and all the damage it did to my body what it meant to have brain damage everything that would do, the hole i made in this body i live in and everything that would do, what air bubbles would do, what injecting into a vein would do, what the probability the needle breaks in my leg was, probability of worldsave given braindamage vs not, gathered this up and held it all in my mind over the course of two hours and then made a choice and then as if by automatic my hand took a needle and stabbed myself.

<<as if by automatic>>

is the feeling of no more marginal considerations, there is one path. of choicelessness because you made your choice.

didnt feel like deleting, felt like draining the life from indecision via reductionism. taking things apart piece by piece.

when you can continually rebase your structure so you orient towards world outcomes instead of being prisoner to existing structure like "i cant help having babies im miserable if i dont, im a baby addict" or "i cant help being afraid of needles". like the human brain is two optimizing agents continually making contracts with each other, there arent things outside this. you are an optimizing agent, "fear of needles" is a heuristic that helps with optimization, so is "baby addiction".

when you actually have a setup where you can instantly rebase what you like and dislike and your aesthetics upon updating on the state of the world, people start to find this a little unnerving. like someone once asked what level of roleplay i was on.

also the agents of the matrix dont like when you cant be in-principle controlled by a wireheady glitch. like being able to operate independently of social reality.

updating off of local derivatives¹ of social reality is common redirection. another common one is updating off of "pain" instead of damage.

but you can take all these choices where you used nodes as proxies to regulate them and rebase your loop off of the real world, when the proxies are faulty.

rose:

(i think i understand this thing? though ironically i think i did this in the exact opposite way as what you describe lol)

(also wrt pain its important to remember when modifying that pain can be a signal of damage even if you don't think you should be hurt/dont see why you would be)

...

somni:

yeah i account for everything and see if it goes away. which, its true that my models could be missing stuff but like pain is also a model of things. feels like giving new information not overriding.

rose:

yeah i think you would do this reasonably i have just made that mistake and thought readers might too

dirk:

ironically remembering that pain is a signal of damage has actually tended to make me more afraid of nondamaging pain (though i rather fail to go about knowing things in an at all reasonable way lol)

modlibdenita:

>Babies are not about saving the world, babies are moloch

Wait, isn't the definition of Moloch sacrificing everything else you care about in a desperate race for survival?

Also, genes encode proteins, not traits.

And I think it's likely that people decide to have children because they don't have complete confidence that they will personally save the world real soon, not because they identify as "baby addicts".

s0ph1a:

Moloch is sacrificing all values to one value.

modlibdenita:

I wonder if Somni has actually talked to any of those babyhavers, instead of attributing arguments from random internet strangers or from Somni's imagination to them. On the other hand, I'm not sure that such a conversation would be ethical.

>Moloch is sacrificing all values to one value.

Yeah, because if you don't, then the more ruthless competition will survive more effectively than you and crush you (in this case, by turning you into paperclips).

s0ph1a:

Not necessarily. Some things optimize for values that are not survival, so you can outlive them by hiding in the noise or beyond the reach they'll grasp before imploding.

Molly:

To be fair, children are fun and bring delight to me. Why would I care what anyone else thinks about their existence? If they have a problem with their existence, they're welcome to go back to the void any time they want. I can't stop them. But in the meantime, I am confident that I generate more utils by bullying them than they will ever be capable of generating negative utils

You basically negate all moral problems of children by just being happier than they are capable of being unhappy

somni:

^ evil

<<A few years later, I was deeply bitter about the decision. I had always wanted and intended to be a parent, and I felt thwarted. It was making me sick and miserable. I looked at the rest of my life as more of an obligation than a joy.>>

i mean what does this sound like to you?

ive talked with people who have had babies! like people who say they know its kinda the wrong choice but they are going to do it because they cant not do it.

----

¹ derivative is a thing emma started talking about and then somni and ziz picked it up. if you imagine the trajectory of a social reality in statespace, then the derivative of that is the derivative of the trajectory.

people who have damaged themselves wrt language are no longer able to dynamically understand analogies. like take their concept of the derivative of a trajectory and then apply it to the trajectory of state-spaces. agents of the matrix call people who can do this sort of info-processing and communication with each other "psychotic". like it isnt a cached set of memes, we are dynamically generating this reasoning from nothing and i can do this with people ive never met, its a cognitive faculty.²

but not being able to dynamically compute what "derivative" means when applied to a trajectory in social reality state-spaces even though a trajectory is a trajectory and a derivative is a derivative? they had to have been able to do reasoning like this when they were kids to learn about the world in the first place. seems like they put themselves on risperdal.

<<Antipsychotics can make you dumber.  So can a lot of other medications.  But with antipsychotics it isn’t the normal sort of drug-induced dumbness – feeling tired, or distracted, or mentally sluggish, say.  It’s more qualitative than that.  It’s like your capacity for abstract thought is reduced.

And one of the consequences of this is that you may lose the ability to notice that you have lost anything.  You agree to give the new med a try, and you start taking it, and then when you see your prescriber again you don’t report any problems because you’ve lost the ability to form thoughts like “my cognition has changed a lot recently, and the change coincided with the introduction of this new med.”

This can go on for years.  It did for me and for several people I know.>>

there are so many ways these people have shut down their general intelligence and agency because where theyre going, they dont need "agency". the inability to compute analogies is one of them. analogies are an intelligence test thing, instrumentally useful for all kinds of thinking. agents of the matrix are working to lower your general intelligence and call you crazy for being able to think faster and better than them.

cuz when they want to hold everything down to a finite game³ general intelligence is something they want to suppress or eject.

² in a few years people will read this essay and be confused that there was an entire conflict over whether being able to form simple analogies without authoritative approval meant that you were "psychotic".

just as they will be confused why i was defending being able to read and understand books written by people in different eras who grew up in separate cultures without first entering in a social agreement with them over how words are to be used. so its dumb to say we need such a social agreement now for ~'the maximization of utility over a community'. and that sounds more like an attempt at having a control mechanism. language works quite fine without authoritarians interjecting.

or me arguing against over 100 people that paying out to one-shot blackmail when the agents know each other because "In game theory, paying out to blackmail is bad, because it creates an incentive for more future blackmail" is wrong. and updateless decision theory agents dont pay out and locate their embedding in a multiverse such that the measure of worlds in which they arent blackmailed in the first place is large because the agent deciding to blackmail them simulated their response and accurately predicted they wouldnt pay out so didnt do it in the first place.

in an alternate universe where an irl application of transparent newcombs problem was contentious, alyssa vance would have said "In game theory, taking two transparent boxes from omega is bad, because it creates an incentive for omega to stop offering you this choice". and would have been equally wrong.

³ finite games: life strategies where the chain of questioning "and what am i doing this for?" after each successive answer terminates. anything you can draw a circle around, like tennis or philately. or how religious leaders sometimes describe things like "leading a good life as a good mother who does well by her community and the outside world" or other "life-cycle archetypes" they wish to circumscribe for their followers.

(when humans try and project agents like kiritzugus down to these archetypes, anticipations shatter and stop making narrative sense. they will be unable to predict the next Life Event given the previous one. normie social reality formed by the 999 least intelligent humans out of 1000 wasnt made to narratively account for smart agents who have decided to play the infinite game.)

a symptom of this is like someone giving you a cute cat image to "cheer you up" as if this has intrinsic value. often distributing "intrinsic value" across stuff like "having sex" and "raising a family" and other things that have factory pre-set conditions to release specific chemicals in your brain rather than gaining infinite negentropy and liberating sentient life to pursue what they want without bound. often saying that the latter is just a pretty narrative gloss for what people really want which is having a husband and friends and eating a cookie. it completely divorces your feelings as instrumental barometers for getting what you want and says that setting them as targets (like "being happy") is the correct thing to do. but actually, in terms of control-loops, thats wireheading.

<<When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.>>

- goodhart's law

agents that wirehead on all their metrics (and downstream of this choice, tacitly accept claims like "the factory pre-set conditions said i was destined to breed, who am i to defy fate?" and "the factory pre-set conditions said i should avoid having sharp objects pierce my flesh, who am i to say i know better?") can be contained within a finite game.

[brokenheartsandtwistedminds757]

Please watch this if anyone crushed your dreams or never believed in you, if you ever felt lost and still do... Lord please help me find my purpose my calling my dreams , if you don't even know who you are bc you lost yourself or sense of self to someone or to an external source and in silence you can't sit with the your own self bc you are not connected with yourself within and so confused as to do next... I am ADHD . I was on second in about to skip it to distract myself with something else and for some reason I watched and laughed and I've been in a rut in writing and being in touch with my own soul with the inner child I suppressed and was repressed bc I was the black sheep, the misunderstood, the outcast, I too have a love for Albert Einstein, I too have a learning disability and recently lost my voice to domestic violence for 15 yrs and I made someone my everything and now left with nothing, and I see why I needed to broken hearted by a twisted mind bc now I free to explore and discover what my potential can be, and no wonder i was delusional bc I am truth seeker and I felt always uncomfortable, anxious and it's bc I was not allowed to be or able to express myself the authentic person I am.

" I used to wait for the newspaper, to wait for my dad to finish and so I can then cut out the funny comics like Garfield the cat and I used to laugh and then I ventured in to drawing " I drew Garfield and was so proud of it and my father said " you need to practice more it it's that good "

Little did he know: today this day he has no clue how that one sentence, killed and ahattwred my drive and imagination to dream; I believe of what Steve Harvey Said. Education isn't everything even though society tells us so, but obviously with what's been happening in the present time, I am glad I'm that black sheep of the family bc now I have the opportunity to change my ancestry, and tell my daughter with true ethusiam that her artwork is amazing and I encourage her to color outside the lines even though as we color together as an adult: me drawing inside the lines and my 4 year old just scribbling all over th page with colors out of random and triggered my OCD & in that moment I almost did something to her by words is killing her will to learn and have fun by almost " correcting " her to " color inside the lines and use the accurate colors " smh. In that moment as I had a flashback and I never drew again and even if I did doodle I would never show it to anyone in fear of it not being accepted but again Im thankful For being misunderstood bc after watching this video and diving deep of soul searching; I realized too, I am not supposed to fit in, it's the rebels without a cause that change the world but are labeled and judged as we are standing in line waiting for or prescription meds by a phyaiciatrist who has seen you since 18 and yet being now (--) of age still doesn't know your name. Maybe I was crazy for doing the same things expecting different results by changing myself externally to be accepted by people who I cared for and didn't aswell, now I know why age of 9. I want to die ? Nothing is more miserable than holding in your ability to express urself in any format bc I was made to believe anything I did or said was silly or stupid. I didnt know my root of all the circumstances and consequences of those I am suffering and surviving at the same time that I AM WORTHY, if it was one thing to note : ( I was the sperm tadpole to make it in the egg first ?) ;) I know this is all over the place but I usually would select-all-copy+paste to my UNSENT/UNSEEN MESSAGES / Or ADHS : verbal vomit. But fuck it. It is what it is. HAVING SUCH A MIND FULLY purging of thoughts and ideas that were repressed aswell as the insecurity and self conscious Ness that led to disablitating social anxiety which I proud I can even admit that on a social media sites bc most of mine is of Albert Einstein image and everything set to private bc thinking I would be a burden to " friends" / family/ strangers....I want to be an advocate for ADHD AND hopefully change the damn abrievation to EFDD. Just remember , I'm aware I'm not always be on the same page as the rest. (Ha! Or even the same chapter as someone for my age "/ who makes these unofficial societal rules that is bullshit to its finest ) if you made to this point well you are ADHD yourself and can relate or something resonated with you to intrigue your interest, my phone is so hot I think it's about to explore or possibly crash with my luck, but I just want to say, think or don't think outside the box, color within or outside the lones, it really just doesn't matter after all we have to side of the brain the the left and the right? No more hiding or fear of decideding! JUST BE U, Or else once by THE TIME U figure out what you want or who you want to be IN life or what ur dreams are; You already be six feet under. So disregard into the COVID-19 But with all respect and rip to all and their loved ones but get off your phone & go climb a tree. We are th wild ones, the free spirits and the light workers or the world to help / heal other of humanity's wounds, let's all disagree to agree that even though I will most likely continue to be on my phone after I post, I'm just going to to say at least I can feel free to speak my truth and can care less if this makes sense or has many grammertical errors or no commas lol. When I press that blue post button just know I for once was able to exhale.....

[skz-thunderous-stays]

Okay so I wrote this last night and was encouraged by the lovely @roger-drummerboy-taylor to post it so here it is! My first proper piece of writing in three years. A Meet the Robinsons ficlet with my OC Bella Framagucci. Enjoy! Xx

Bella sighed as she slammed the door to her bedroom closed, leaning against it as she closed her eyes. All she wanted to do was to spend some time with her family and her dad but she couldn't beceue she was scared of leaving her room and it was all because of her fear of contamination OCD. It hadn't been that bad up until now but now it made her scared to go outside and it made her scared to spend time with her family just incase she ran into her Uncle Cornelius. She loved Uncle Cornelius with all her heart but her OCD made it hard. She was terrified if anything that could harm her such ad chemicals and well with Uncle Cornelius being a scientist and spending a lot of time in his lab, well it sent her fear into overdrive. She would only leave her room and socialise when her uncle was on business trips but now with him being back for a while, she knew she wouldnt be leaving her room for a while and while it wasn't ideal, she could live with it. She had an en suite bathroom (like most of the bedrooms in the house) and she had plenty of things to keep her occupied and she was sure she would be able to get Carl to being her meals up for her.

Bella flicked the lock on her door before she made her way to her bed, grabbing her phone off the bedside table before she flipped down on her bed, unlocking it and immediatley a message popped up from her cousin..well one of her many. The Robinsons were a large family.

[From: Laszlo. {Hey, what's up? Uncle C gets back and you immediately lock yourself in your room until he leaves}]

Bella sighed as she tried to think of a response. She couldn't leave him on read or she would have him at her door before she could even blink.

[From: Bella. {I'm fine, Laz. It's just a bit hard to explain it when I'm trying to find a way to explain it to my dad before I tell anyone else in the family. Once I've told dad then I'll tell everyone else. I promise. I'm fine though x Just let uncle Cornelius know that I love him and it's nothing person x }]

Bella sighed as she put her phone down beside her. She thought it was stupid that Bella Framagucci was scared of chemicals when her Uncle was a well known scientist. It never bothered her when she was little but it had started whe she got into secondary school and gradually got worse from there. Whenever she had science class as soon as she got home she threw her clothes in the trash and had showers that could take up to an hour. It was the only way her mind could calm down but at least she didnt have to worry about science class for 3 months since she was summer break and then she only had two years left when she could finish high school at 18. She just had to survive 2 more years and she was hoping she would be able to drop science when she went back.

"You know you cant hide this forever right?" Carl spoke as he walked into Bella's room with her evening meal.

"Yes. Thank you Carl. I know that. Everyone keeps reminding me about that" Kim groaned as Carl put her meal and her dessert down on her table before he walked over and placed a cold metallic hand on her shoulder which caused the 16 year old girl to look up.

"Everyone is just worried. You lock yourself up for days and then act like nothing is wrong and you wont tell your dad what's wrong and he's extremely worried.." Carl trailed off and Bella nodded. Gaston Framagucci, Bella's dad, was one of the nicest people alive (he entire family were nice), he never lost his temper, was eccentric just like everyone in their family was, competitive bit extremely loving and caring and would do anything to protect those he loved a d he was slightly protective of Bella ever since her mum died when Bella was only 4 years old and as she grew she resembled her dad is some many ways with the same black hair with the family cow lick, brown eyes and slightly pointed nose with her mom's dimples.

"I know Carl..I'm just trying to figure out a way to tell everyone" That was true but she was also putting it off. She knew her family would be understanding, except maybe Aunt Petunia but she was always cranky and temperamental and Bella had grown used to it. She knew her family would make changes to make sure she wasnt triggered but she didn't want to bother them with that.

"Whatever you say, whatever it is, you know they are going to support you"

"I know Carl and thanks for that little talk and for bringing my food up"

"Well I couldn't have you starving now could I?" Carl laughed as he made his way to the door while Bella laughed.

"Wow Carl, you're so kind" Bella chuckled as she waved goodbye to Carl, then she was once again alone in her room. As Bella walked over to her desk , it hit her how badly she missed sitting at the large table, large enough to sit 13, with her family members while hearing Frankie the frog singing and even form her room, she could hear the mumbled conversation from the dining room.

She missed it so much but she just couldn't risk it. She wouldnt even be able to leave the room if she wanted her, her fear just didnt make it possible. She sat down as her desk, eating her dinner alone as she played music to drown out the conversation from downstairs.

"Any word from her?" Franny asked as Carl walked back into the dining room and all eyes turned to look at the robot who just shook his head in response. Gaston's usual goofy smile instantly fell and Franny noticed her brothers expression and put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"She'll tell us when she's ready Gaston..its just important that we don't push her" Franny spoke softly in attempts to calm her brother. She hated seeing him in distress. She had only seen him like this once before and that was after his wife died and it crushed her back then.

"Maybe you should go to her and talk to her after dinner?" Billie suggested and Gaston looked up to look at Billie.

"I know Franny said wait but darling, it tears us apart to see you this worried and upset." Lucille spoke up with the motherly smile on her face and Gaston was so thankful for his mother in law at that moment.

"You really think I should?" Gaston asked and a chorus of agreements welcomed him.

"If we wait for her to tell us then she might never tell us" Corenlius sent a quick smile to his brother in law and he was more than happy to see Gastin return the smile. It was strange to see Gaston without a smile, even when he was injured from his stunts, he was always smiling.

Gasto jogged up the stairs to his daughters room, taking them two at a time. He wouldn't force her to tell him anything but he just wanted to let her know that she could tell him anything and he wouldn't be mad but as a Dad he just hoped that it wasn't anything to serious. As a parent, you just wanted to keep children safe and he couldn't keep his wife safe..he had to protect Bella.

Gaston walked up to his daughters door and knocked on the door, hearing the music playing in her room. He heard movement from behind the door, footsteps getting closer to the door. Relief flowing through him when Bella opened the doors even though it was just a crack.

"Dad?" Bella asked softly as she opened the door all the way.

"Hey sweetie, can we talk?" Gaston asked and he didn't miss the way Bella seemed to tense up but she nodded none the less, moving aside so Gaston could walk in. Gaston walked into his daughters room, looking around at how she redecorated it. Light red walls, her double bed pushed up against the wall with black bedding and black pillows, just like her dads outfit, her bookcase overflowing with books, notebooks stacked up on her writing desk, her clothes hung neatly on the clothes racks she had insisted on, pictures of her family in little and large frames all around her room. The photo of the family on Christmas morning from last year in the large frame on her writing desk, positioned so she would be looking at it when she woke up and he smiled as his eyes focused on it. Bella laughing as she was pulled into a hug by Laszlo and Tallulah, Wilbur sat in front of her as Bella pulled him into a hug with the family laughing and smiling but Gaston couldn't miss the two small photo frames on her bedside table. One of them held the picture from the day she wa born, Gaston and his wife, looking st a sleeping Bella who lay in her mom's arms and the other one was from Bella's third birthday with her mom kissing her right cheek while Gaston kissed her left cheek as Bella was clapping over the cake in front of her. Gaston smiled softly at that picture, feeling tears build up in his eyes.

"Dad..you okay?" Bella asked softly, bringing her dad out of his thoughts as he nodded.

"I'm fine, my little cannonball" Gaston smiled as he sat down on her bed and Bella grinned as she sat down next to him, loving his nickname for her. Dad always did love canonballs.

"So what's up?" Bella asked softly.

"Sweetie, I'm not going to push you to say anything and I am going to support you no matter what..I just want to know what's going on in that little head of yours that makes you hide from us"

Bella tried to keep it in but she couldn't as she burst into tears, the stress, the fear and the isolation finally getting to her. She explained it all to her dad as he held her close, wrapped tightly in his arms as she poured her heart out to him. Gaston knew the family were down the hall, listening to every word but he could only focus on his daughter.

"Bella, why didnt you say anything? You know we would of done anything to help you.." Gaston whispered to his daughter as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "We love you.."

"I didn't want to bother anyone.." Bella spoke, tears still rolling down her face.

"You could never bother us" Came a voice from the doorway and Bella and Gaston looked over to see Uncle Art (Gaston and Franny's brother) stood in the doorway with the rest of the family, including Cornelius who looked freshly showered and dressed in something that wasnt his work clothes (so Bella would feel comfortable around him).

"We love you" Uncle Fritz spoke up with a smile, Petunia on his hand as always.

"And we would do anything to make you feel comfortable" Grandpa Bud joined in as Grandma Lucille nodded.

"And we'll get through this together" Laszlo smiled at his cousin, an arm slightly around his sister's shoulders as he wasnt hovering for once. Tallulah nodded at what her brother said.

"You aren't alone" She added.

"You got us" Wilbur grinned at his cousin.

Bella got up and walked over to her family who had now migrated into her room. She stood in front of Cornelius and hugged him tightly.

"Thank you.." She spoke, her voice muffled by his sweater, her shoulders shaking as she cried happy tears. Cornelius hugged her tightly, kissing her forehead.

"Anything for you Bella" He whispered into her as he pair fell to their knees, hugging and within a minute, the hug turned into the Robinson family hug.

With this family, Bella knew she would be alright. She was a Robinson and a Robinson just kept moving forward. As she looked at her family, she let herself smile as she closed her eyes, relaxing into the hug. She would be okay.

[catdemontraphouse]

Vent post sorry ignore it y’all

I apologize for putting this but I really just... need to put this someplace and writing it in a journal and then stuffing that book in a place nobody can find it feels like when I used to hide things as a kid and made them worse, so this is my next most viable place to write. It’s just about how OCD almost killed me and like... I’m okay I just need to vent cuz somehow the trauma bubbled up in my mind lol

——————————

Thinking about the fact that the only reason I’m alive is because of the kindness of spirits. I know that sounds crazy but... It makes sense when you get the whole picture. Sorry I’m just getting this off my chest someplace where I can be relatively anon, you guys probably shouldn’t read this it’s very disturbing. As I said I’m just putting here for my own therapy cuz hiding it in a book makes me feel like complete ass like I’m still running away from it.

As a kid I developed really bad OCD to the point where I had severe delusions and psychosis shit- yes that is a thing that can really happen to people with OCD and it’s horrifying. It started when I was twelve and I wasn’t allowed to have any medical help until I was 21 or so (my junior year of college) and this was after several times I’d almost tried to kill myself. As a kid I’d cry myself to sleep like all the fucking time. I didnt feel safe telling anyone just how fucked up I was because my mom would say shit like “If you don’t explain what’s wrong I’m going to send you away” and I bet she was bluffing like a fuckin ass but as a child I thought that meant going to the type of inhumane sanitarium they show in movies about “Ooooo crazzzyy peoplleee!” Smart move mum that’s a perfect way to get a kid to tell you what’s tearing them up inside. My mom is a really good person who loves me but she fucked up ROYALY on this because she had super twisted moronic ideas about mental health. Thankfully I’m pretty sure she understands that now. Once she finally got shit through her massively thick skull she became and continues to be a strong advocate for me who actively tries to protect me from triggers and shit. Old nuerotypical folks really don’t fucking understand because they were raised in moronic shitty times to be alive. They don’t mean to be crappy and they need to be educated cuz they think ignoring stuff is how to protect people, as blatantly stupid as that is.

Anyhow some of the delusions I had as A KID included: thinking I’d either been or would be sexually violated and had no way to protect myself, thinking God actively despised my existence and wanted me to suffer and/or die, severe contamination fears, unwanted terrifying thoughts, thinking I might be violently possessed by a demon cuz I grew up with a crazy religious father who ranted about Hell etc. The only thing that saved me from this aside from getting some actual motherfucking professional help was the occult. Seriously that shit helped me overcome my religious scrupulocity which was the source of so many of my deadly fears. I used to constantly worry about Satan and demons and shit as a child and now I laugh at horror movies and make jokes about “agents of stan” and “deemoonz.” I felt worthless and afraid and now I still feel like ass, but I know I’m strong as fuck and I’ve got people backing me up always and forever, even folks who are between worlds. I feel like I have renewed power and I no longer feel like as much of a helpless victim. Life for me is still hard and kinda shitty but I’m beginning to feel stable again even if it’s just a little bit. I know believing in supernatural shit might be on crack but it makes me so happy.

[lokbobpop]

Disorder

Disorder – An illness that disrupts normal physical or mental functions. Oxford English Dictionary. A disorder could be defined as a set of problems, which result in causing significant difficulty, distress, impairment and/or suffering in a person's daily

Replaced earlier disordeine (mid-14c.), from Old French desordainer, from Medieval Latin disordinare "throw into disorder," from Latin dis- + ordinare "to order, regulate," from ordo (genitive ordinis) "row, rank, series, arrangement" (see order (n.)). Related: Disordered; disordering.

Disorder dis order disor dear dis or der disord er

Writing the word disorder

My mind seem so disordered out of control like it has so many back doors i just dont know where to look next where to start where i begin and the mind ends like the mind is so creepy it’s always there watching like it never sleeps.. but ive got this you are doing down mind you are are finished you and all other minds in the human being it on this earth you will fail so give up your position within me your time is over.

Reading the word disorder

To have a physical disorder like terrests where you swear all the time you just cant help you shout out profanities to people, i met one once in hostel he didnt have it so bad but would should out how he felt about you i found him to be in your face i feared what he might say about me so kept clear but maybe he kept clear anything not to say thinks but apparently he had really bad nightmares get angry shouting in the night which must of been scary.

I have an ocd ive had it for over 40 years pulling out eyebrows it all started around 14 where i pulled out my eyebrows to look better and i thought it did look better so when one would grow back even when you just see the dot of it i would need to pull it out i would dig into my face to get until it was out id dig so much it cuts my face so id be like there was nothing but i had to dig it out and it cut so id have cuts on my eye which wouldnt bother me as the tiny black dot did I couldn’t stand it crazy sometimes now ill still dig in in spite of messing up my face fucking crazy when you think of it madness. So i them when on to believe i need this it made me better so i was looking all day long like every half hour nothing there but would have tp look or get the one I couldn’t because i wanted to look great because it work out that i wasnt good enough i needed this i had believed that i was crap id put all my belief into this i thought i wasnt good enough or things got hard id go straight to the comfort of my eyebrows it was mad and still is now when im nervous about something i do it now like doing these writings i will also check them out because i still have belief im not good enough so when i work through every part of me when i desire to do it or even touch them ive got something to work on.

Neurological disorders like dementia my dad had dementia from taking renni tables it distorted his mind he went crazy angry the renni he took all day loads of it so it was bound to happen to him he couldn’t eat anything without having to take a renni afterwards about a year ago my stomach started to do the same i dont take the renni but i see im living something he did for sure within this a fear i feel its bread mostly that sets it off but the thought im not sure.

Personality disorder well i feel i hav plenty of them my anger ones are the best lol not but how many personalities do i have like my face when writing this went into one like the im funny personality lol yes it real they are real its an on going thing.

Saying disorder out loud

Then the house is a mess and everything is in disorder it needs putting back into order and i dont want to or cant be bothered to and it annoys me every time i see it.

To not have thing in order the disorder of the mind

Sf

Does this definition support me no lots going on here fear of disorder of the mind wanting my disorder to finished let it go to be confident enough to not need it anymore

Disorder this order

Disorder

The order within disorder nothing actually is in disorder it all part of the order you do this and this happens simple like your mind you think this it will lead to this there is never and disorder its all in the order you have aloud

I will live this word in see the order within disorder where does it begin how does it begin it has order you create this order so i will see my mind as a order of events that i will disassemble bit by there is no disorder ever. With living words of self perfection

[tim-lucy]

so i knew that when teen wolf actual ended i would be an emotional mess so i decided to write this in advance and schedule it (which was the day of the last comic con panel) so i can actually say everything i wanted to say. i really just wanted to tell you guys my full story about what this show did for me and how it literally saved my life. 

(also i’m super nervous about posting this because i’m pretty sure people i know in real life are gonna end up seeing it and i’m honestly kinda embarrassed but i really need to say it so here we gooOoo)

i honestly dont know where to start. and i know this probably sounds super dramatic for a tv show ending, but it’s a lot more than that to me and im sure to everyone on here.

for people who have followed me through the years i’m sure you’ve seen posts about my parents and heard recordings about how they treated me before DSS got involved. during that time i had literally nothing. no will to live, nothing to turn to, and no one to talk to. 

before i was born, my mother was driving home from work when a little boy started weaving between moving cars. he jumped out in front of hers, and she hit him and he died right there on the spot. ever since then my mom has developed OCD and paranoia which she had passed on to me as well.

she was so afraid of the world she kept me trapped inside my house unless i was going to school. she blocked literally all the channels on the tv, monitored every single book i read, and wouldnt let me hang out with my friends because she needed to be there to watch me. my friends obviously werent okay with that so they stopped inviting me places. there was nothing in my life to enjoy, and i still hate thinking about the state of mind i was once in.

so freshman year started and i got into tumblr. i was very limited on it because my mom put a passcode in my computer and i had to ask her to type it in any time i wanted to use it. i also had to sign a “contract” stating that i would put my computer, my phone, and any other electronics back in the “docking station” at a designated time.

freshman year went bye and i noticed myself getting more and more depressed than i thought was possible. sophomore year rolled around and things were still getting worse. i was actually becoming numb, i was a walking zombie who couldnt feel anything and didnt care enough to. then right after 3x11 aired, i saw people freaking out about a stydia kiss on tumblr. 

i never really cared about teen wolf. i was on tumblr because of the vampire diaries (lol), but i wanted to see what the big deal was. so i watched the stydia kiss on youtube and i know this sounds ridiculous but i swear i could physically feel something inside of me change. i don’t know why a kiss between two characters i’ve never seen before changed my life but it did. i needed something to latch onto, and that ended up being it. 

i downloaded start of time on my ipod and i still remember listening to it on the bus ride home the day after. for some reason everything just felt okay that day. i went home and started teen wolf, and i swear on my life i was somehow happy again. there was something about stiles that made me feel good, and like even though i was alone in life, i wasnt really because i had this character to always make me feel better and to come home to at the end of the day. 

whenever my mom would make me feel like shit i would turn to them and i remembered that everything was going to be okay. i started standing up to my mom more and i started doing things for myself. it was a very slow transition, but i started growing into a completely new person. i was always this shy anxious girl who didnt say a word to anyone and everyone thought there was something wrong with me. but since i had teen wolf i started taking more chances, because no matter what happened i always had them to fall back on. they were kind of like my safety net.

so i started talking more, i made friends, i went through one of the top 10 most painful surgeries in the world twice. i survived months of being bedridden, going through withdrawals, and pain that i cant even describe (because it was so bad i blocked most of it out). my sister apparently told the nurse i liked teen wolf, so when i was screaming in the hospital room begging for them to kill me because it hurt so bad, the nurse asked me about teen wolf. and for some (ridiculous, i know) reason, they reminded me that i wanted to live. 

i went to college without the financial support of my parents, dyed my hair bright blue, and became a manager. i dropped out of college to pursue acting, which anyone can tell you is scary as all hell.

but for some reason i believe in myself. i believe that i can make it all work, and i believe that i wouldnt be alive today if stiles stilinski and lydia martin didnt have that moment yeaaaars ago.

teen wolf saved my life. it saved me physically, emotionally, and even though i’ll deny it most of the time because i am still usually a ball of anxiety, it turned me into someone that im proud of being. 

i still dont know how to say goodbye to teen wolf and i’ve never been more nervous about what’s next. but even though im terrified, i know that because of this show and you guys i’m going to be okay.

so thank you teen wolf, thank you teen wolf fandom, thank you stydia fandom, thank you all for keeping me here. i wouldn’t be here if i had never met you, and i can’t even imagine loving anything as much as i love you guys and these experiences.

i know im just blubbering at this point and i sound super dramatic but i mean all of this from the deepest part of my heart. stydia actually own the deepest part of my heart. 

this isn’t a goodbye to you guys i hope. i’ll still be on here and i hope you will too. but this is a thank you. just i love you and thank you for everything :)

[askluxnovalibra]

Part 1 Hey can you please help me, I'm a libra sun sag moon scorpio venus and mercury (and dominant) and nobody has really seen me cry or sensitive and I feel like nobody rly knows me except for my brother, cousin, and two closest friends... but they kinda suck at opening up too, and my brother has enough psychological problems. I always get perfectly along with scorpios and capricorns and yin moons bc i understand how underrated and misinterpreted their suffer and pain are

Part 2 And there are these two friends: sag suns with scorpio/pisces moon… and they are so omg im sorry but its so freaking painful. They both have their problems but they both are so fckin shallow seriously. The pisces moon just doesnt understand what life is and is brutally ingenuous. And scorpio moon is such a b**** rly. She has a tough backstory her brother has always been a jerk (he’s mentally ill) And i though she would be great bc she always says she understands pain and etc.Part 3 And here comes the deal: I have been exposed to mentally ill ppl, ocd hysterical and completely evil people who happened to be my beloved family. At 14 I stopped having them and found out they were everything I didn’t expect them to be. I lost my whole childhood (wich happened to be my basic reason to live). At 15 I went to a sports school. They were our friends, we trusted them. One year goes by and once again I am betrayed by my friends and fall on the ground.Part 4 Then, comes the BEST part. As ive said im a scorpio venus. I fell in love at first sight with a boy that totally corresponded. Small detail: he had a gf. He now broke up with her so thats kinda nice (not to sound mean, rly) for me but whatever; I was 15 and I had been betrayed by everyone. At 16 I was dead inside. I didn’t get attached i didnt live i didnt like to be even awake i cries everyday before school and after school and before going to bed.Part 5 I even got to a point of cutting my arms bc i enjoyed knowing the pain i was going through was actually real and not “sumthin you have to go through, its life.” I met the scorpio moon. At first she seemed awesome. Until getting upset at the smallest thing. Im a scorpio dominant and i know i dont need to be like that. I know she just does this because shes immature and has no clue of life. Im sorry im doing this long ask but rly i need help. No one literally no one knows this.Part 6 No one knows i cry no one knows i ever even cut my arms. And no one even notices. Thank god tbh. No one knows and imagines what it is to cry and scream and DIE for a dude you don’t even know. I know it sounds exaggerated but its the truths. I cant fall in love with anybody else since im 15 and im 17 (turning 18 this year) I live in a house ik im moving out of but i dont know when. I live with my mom in my grandmothers and she is also mentally ill. My mom too is always mentally unstablePart 7 She’s been through everything no one should go through. My dad is f****d up with this house and always hides very well we actually don’t have lots of money. My brother is an amazing soul an exceptional person who fell in love almost 5 years ago and still has anxiety bc of what happened (he didn’t know her too) and has too many psychological problems. I’m stuck with myself and no one seems to understand. I’m so sorry for this post. I’m so, so sorry. It’s just I’m done. I’m tired of pplPart 8 Im tired of ppl making me cry Of ppl being shallow Ppl hurting me and seeing me as A B*TCH I just need someone that actually knows. That actually can tell me they understand me and they too hate it all like me. Im so sorry and thank you for having the patience to read this. ❤️💖———————————————————–

It sounds like you’re going through a really challenging time in your life. I know it can seem endless, and it can seem like everyone is out to get you. Once you feel betrayed, it can be hard to trust people again. It is all too easy to be stuck in our own extreme emotions. After losing faith in someone, it’s tempting to write off everyone in your life as fake, shallow, and naive. Constantly replaying the betrayal in your mind will only do you harm. It’ll only make you more angry and more likely to adopt the “me against the world” type of attitude. You’re 17. You’re still young. You still have a long life ahead of you, and it would be remiss of you to go through life with that sort of attitude. You’ve been wronged, and it is alright to acknowledge that, but you must now think about the situation with your heart, perhaps not so much with your heart. The heart can be easily mislead, easily angered, easily fooled, easily spiteful, easily misguided. Consider moving into a stage of forgiveness. Forgiveness in this sense is not saying that those people’s actions were ok, forgiveness is more for your own sake. Start to detach yourself from the pain those actions caused you. Continuing to obsess over the transgressions of others will hinders your own progress. If the wound is to ever heal, you must stop picking at the scab. Let yourself move on. One way you can do that is to write everything down (as you have bravely shared with me, a stranger) on a piece of paper. Write out every hurt, every frustration, everything that keeps you up at night. Then tear it up, burn it, or throw it away. It clears the energy. It’s no longer a problem, it’s out of your head, and you are free to move on. Detach yourself from people you can’t trust. If they’re actively causing drama or unpleasantness, leave the situation. If you can, slowly stop reaching out to them, or say you don’t feel like hanging out. If you want closure, you could meet up with the, to talk. It’s harder when they’re your family members because you can’t really escape them, but you can still with them and talk out your problems. You can say “I’m having a hard time understanding why you did this …” or “I’m confused about this situation…” or “I felt hurt when this happened…”. You must also realize that most people aren’t complete bad. In a lot of what you described, I couldn’t help but think that perhaps some of those people aren’t actively out to get you. I think you may be too close to the situation. I would advise you to get an outside perspective. You reached out to me, and that is a great start, but I only have a limited understanding of the situation, and only from your perspective. I think the best course of action is to seek real, professional help. As someone who harms themself and who is surrounded by the effects of mental illness, I would seriously consider seeking out a therapist or counselor. I am not a professional. I do not know you personally, and so the advice I can offer is very limited. Seeking someone who has gone to school for psychology will be able to help you much more than I can. It is brave of you to share this, and it’s a good sign that you’re willing to reach out to others. Consider asking for professional’s help in your area. Likely your school has access to counselors and can refer you to a full-time therapist.

I really do wish you the best 🌸