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why do i only write in my journal when im going through it. itll be like months between entries and each entry is scribbled paragraphs of panic and crisis im like whoa ok please write some gentle mundane things once in a while 😭

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hello all my followers from my rottmt days. i hope u enjoy the hekiru gglr content i forcibly place upon your dashboards

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no one asked but i think i shall post my hekiru eye color analysis hopefully in the next few days. it makes me really happy that negi haruba seems to have put so much detail into hekiru lol i hope he enjoys writing him as a character

i just need to type everything out bc i only have it in instagram story format and i am tired and rotten lately so we will see when i get around to typing it out :)

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拿舊圖改一下

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the more i interact w fandom online the more i realize how much it terrifies me. i see people angry posting "how dare u not like this character just bc they're ugly. give me a single good reason to dislike this character beyond that they're not conventionally attractive" and i see people complaining how "no one gets this character they always mischaracterize them and dumb their personality down to the basics" etc etc etc and it just makes me nervous, palm sweaty around my phone. like yeah, i do don't like this character just bc i think they're kinda ugly. im so sorry for thinking that. im so sorry for character design influencing my feelings towards a character. like, it terrifies me to post fics or analysis bc what if ive characterized the character wrong and people will roll their eyes at my ignorance and stupidity and illiteracy? im so sorry for being stupid and dumb. im so sorry for not understanding every nuance of every character i interact with. like, it terrifies me.

oh! and i have this weird deepseated uneasiness about liking things a lot, because then i see people liking it more and sharing fandom in-jokes and stuff, and then i feel dumb and stupid for not knowing everything there is to know about the thing, and i feel like everyone is going to look down on me for not having every merch or knowing every song name, and i feel like my love of the thing is invalidated just because other people know more about it. is that just me? it's such a gross feeling. i feel so stupid for pretending to like anything. i feel like a fake fan if it hasn't consumed my entire life. i just know that if a bigger fan sees me pretending i like this thing, they will sneer and laugh. "you could never like it as much as i do." (i know this is a Me Problem. it's just such an icky feeling and its related to fandom so its going in this post)

i don't know if any of this makes sense. i dont know how much of it is just a Me Problem. people will always have different opinions and ways of doing things. but it freaks me out. i just want to like my silly little things and exist on the silly little internet without feeling icky anytime i look at a fandom space. i know i can avoid looking at accounts and posts that make me feel gross, but they still exist and they make me really nervous that everyone will hate me if i do anything online. idk. the more internet i consume, the more i think, wow, we really aren't supposed to have this much contact with everyone all the time.

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genshin tumblr screenshots (rbs appreciated)

EDIT: here is the original diluc text post and here is the original zhongli text post!

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oohh my god i love her

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The Informant threw a beer bottle!

Please DO NOT Repost, Reupload or Reuse my fanart of END ROLL without my permission.

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Richard Siken, "Saying Your Names," Crush

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<3

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GAME THAT CHANGED MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY AND SHATTERED MY HEART INTO PIECES

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Silence....☀️

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Go Go Loser Ranger chapter spoiler art ahead!

These last two chapters have fed me so well 😭👏

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Jelly bean

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that freaking stupid summer festival episode of charisma house makes me cry every. time. every time. it squeezes my heart in one fist until the juices run between its fingers.

so like. i have ocd.

ive had ocd for a really, really long time. my parents didnt know what it was. i didnt know what it was. even as i got older and learned more about mental illnesses, i didn't think "oh... that might be me." and part of the reason for that is, um, u know how ocd usually gets portrayed in media? obsessive hand washing, organizing, etc etc etc. i dont have that ocd.

i have scrupulosity.

i have be good. i have be. good. i have down on my knees for hours at a time praying for forgiveness. i have oh mom i dont think i can wear this shirt. it goes down too low. it is immodest. (it sat just below my collarbone). i have i do genuinely believe that it is genuinely morally wrong to throw away anything that is recyclable because that is hurting the planet and i still do it sometimes but like if i think about it im like oh yeah that was a morally bad thing for me to throw away that recyclable plastic cup and it makes me uncomfortable. i have BE. GOOD. BE GOOD. BE GOOD.

that is my ocd. that is my brain.

i have, as one might say, an obsessive need for perfect, law-abiding order.

i am, as one might say, kusanagi rikai.

but im not. not really. i dont yell at other people to follow my brains own rules. i am not as loud as he is. i am not as pushy. i am more of a quiet, anxious, desperate, so burnt-out from so many years of intense moral perfection in my mind that i barely care anymore, type of scrupulosity.

and rikai is loud.

but god. that one episode. number seventy-two.

i pulled it up to reference the dialogue and im already feeling it.

this episode expresses an aspect of my ocd my brain my scrupulosity the thing that has ruined my entire life and stolen my childhood from me it expresses such a deep and gutting aspect of it that i barely knew how to articulate. i dont know how they did this. i dont know if rikai is supposed to actually have ocd like mine. i dont know if they just imagined what it would be like to live as rikai and i do or if someone in that writing room has personal experience with this. i dont know. all i know is rikai in this episode is

me.

because he is looking around at the festival. stunned. how are people doing these things and enjoying it? how are they eating unsanitary food? how are they letting themselves get ripped off at raffles?

and then, quietly, he says,

"this is... normal, huh. yes, this is normal...

i do realize that i'm the crazy one here. right?"

and i start crying.

its so simple. "i do realize that im the crazy one here." his voice soft and resigned.

because my entire life i have been staring around myself with wild eyes. "why is everyone so bad? why are they doing these things? why dont they see what i see? why do i understand what they dont? why dont they understand? why is everyone leaving things half-done and dirty and taking shortcuts and being unsanitary and devious and why am i the only one who understands how to be good? why does no one else see?"

and now i realize oh. i see.

im just crazy. i just have a malfunctioning brain.

everything i see as good, and common sense, and necessary, is actually unusual and uncomfortable and unwelcome levels of. order.

everything i see around me is normal. theyre not the ones who are doing things wrong.

im just crazy.

and its so. so. isolating. and its so. so. frustrating. why is everyone else... normal?

i do realize im the crazy one here.

and its such a simple scene. and its such a simple line.

but when i watched that drama track for the first time i had to set my phone down. i felt so seen. so heard. so understood. i cried. its such a deep, isolating feeling. to look around yourself and see nothing but unlawful chaos and then to know that you are the broken one. that this all is normal. youre just wrong. youre right, objectively - that food is unhygienic, and people would be better off spending their money on things that are not rigged raffles - but no matter how right you are in theory, in practice, that means absolutely nothing.

youre just crazy.

the odd man out forever. you can never be normal.

its okay, rikai. try your best to eat something with unwashed hands.

hopefully it wont make you sick.

hopefully. its worth it, right? to act normal.

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its so scary to put yourself out there but a SINGLE message saying "hi i loved what you made it touched me in some way" makes it all worth it 10000%

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i open tumblr. i close tumblr. i check discord. i open tumblr. i close tumblr. i open spotify. start a song. open youtube. pick video, ending song. video bad. i close youtube. i open tumblr