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Neiru from the anime “Wonder Egg Priority”

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Rip Wonder Egg Priority you would have loved a real ending

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i miss writing really writing reeee all i do nowadays is clumsily vent on the page and if it is involving a fictional character im just using them to vent. im venting through them. call me the imposter with how much venting im doing idk man i just want to write a proper story again

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at what point do you accept that people just will never like you? at what point do you accept that there is something unpleasant beating in your chest (spreading its poison through every vein, down to every fingertip) and everyone else can see it, and sense it, and smell it? how many parties do you have to spend biting your nails at a table in the corner? how many friendships do you have to watch fizzle out like a soda tipped onto the sidewalk? you can stand in the middle of a room filled with everyone you know and no one will look for you. you can stand in the middle of a room filled with everyone you know and listen to them make plans to hang out (with each other). their faces are bright and happy. you're digging your fingernails into your palms. digging your canines down into your lower lip.

first, you realize hey, i think i am lonely. next, you realize hey, i think i am alone. and finally, you realize hey, i think this will last... forever.

you were always a lonely kid.

lonely, sad, and hopeful. ('one day i will have friends. or a friend.' you fantasized about it any chance you got.) any person who dared smile at you sent your mind wheeling. (how many other kids did you decide were your 'best friend' when they couldn't pick you out of a police lineup? if you have only one friend, though, i guess that could be considered your 'best'.) but then your teen years rush by you like a puff of air in the eye and you're twenty-one and your cousin is asking you what you like to drink when you go out with your friends.

'i just don't,' you tell her. 'i don't have friends.' and you sound like some kind of whiny self-deprecating idiot. but it's the truth. it's the truth. i don't have any friends. im sorry.

(does a person still exist if no one cares to notice them fall? every time you hear your acquaintances speak, they're tittering about the fun they've had together, are having together, will be having together. and you're going to go home after this and lay in a dark room. digging your fingernails into your palms. digging your canines down into your lower lip.)

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the way i dont really use tumblr a lot anymore except to dump a bunch of words whenever i have a feeling LOL and theyre usually not good feelings im never really in a good headspace 🤪

all i write nowadays is sad self-indulgent vent fics 😭 and character analysis of hekiru

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to write, to have always written, to be good at nothing but to write, and to not do it well. it's suffocating, tight around the throat, a noose of sorts. ive never known how to do anything but write. ive never fallen into something the way i fall into it. nothing has ever come so naturally, or felt so right.

and to know, to know, to know, hands shaking, heart thick and slippery, that i don't do it well. to read poetry that pulls a sob from my stomach. to stare in wonder at stories that are constructed so beautifully, so tenderly, the words gilded and crystallized on the page.

to know that i do not write like that, and i never have, and i never will. to know that the only skill i have to offer is to write. but i do not know how to do it any better. maybe i could go to a class one day. but the thought of sitting in a room with thirty people who write far better than me and letting them hold pieces of my mind in their hands makes me ill.

writing comes so naturally to me but my words are so juvenile, so disjointed, so unsure. so ugly. how can i love something so much - how can something be the only thing i have any sort of talent for - and how can i fail it so completely?

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i just saw someone post a screenshot of someone finding out a detail of a certain media i like. "wait omg?!" they typed, shocked and intrigued by this discovery. and the person posting the screenshot commented on it in an annoyed way. "ugh, next thing I know, people are going to be like WHOAA OMG *OTHER DETAIL* and im going to collapse in agony" and it makes me feel so icky

just because you know every detail about something doesn't mean that everyone else does! maybe they're new here and still learning details. maybe they've been in the fandom for a little while but never really put two and two together about this detail. it just feels so rude to roll your eyes and huff when people don't know everything. (especially in a multimedia music project, where it can be kind of tricky to consume the content!)

it just makes me sad and nervous. whenever i tiptoe into fandom spaces, i have this fear of *not getting every detail right,* or *not knowing enough,* and everyone will point and laugh and roll their eyes at how stupid i am. how stupid. how dare I not know everything? what a fake fan i am.

it's not like we all had to learn details, right? some of us automatically had them installed in our brains as soon as we entered a fandom! there was never a time when we had to learn and discover things!

it makes me worried that the original "whoa omg?! cool detail!" person, or anyone seeing the annoyed response, will get that same feeling of nervousness and exclusion, and back away from sharing their excitement online. fandoms should be welcoming spaces idk... im just so nervous everytime im around them...

the more i interact w fandom online the more i realize how much it terrifies me. i see people angry posting "how dare u not like this character just bc they're ugly. give me a single good reason to dislike this character beyond that they're not conventionally attractive" and i see people complaining how "no one gets this character they always mischaracterize them and dumb their personality down to the basics" etc etc etc and it just makes me nervous, palm sweaty around my phone. like yeah, i do don't like this character just bc i think they're kinda ugly. im so sorry for thinking that. im so sorry for character design influencing my feelings towards a character. like, it terrifies me to post fics or analysis bc what if ive characterized the character wrong and people will roll their eyes at my ignorance and stupidity and illiteracy? im so sorry for being stupid and dumb. im so sorry for not understanding every nuance of every character i interact with. like, it terrifies me.

oh! and i have this weird deepseated uneasiness about liking things a lot, because then i see people liking it more and sharing fandom in-jokes and stuff, and then i feel dumb and stupid for not knowing everything there is to know about the thing, and i feel like everyone is going to look down on me for not having every merch or knowing every song name, and i feel like my love of the thing is invalidated just because other people know more about it. is that just me? it's such a gross feeling. i feel so stupid for pretending to like anything. i feel like a fake fan if it hasn't consumed my entire life. i just know that if a bigger fan sees me pretending i like this thing, they will sneer and laugh. "you could never like it as much as i do." (i know this is a Me Problem. it's just such an icky feeling and its related to fandom so its going in this post)

i don't know if any of this makes sense. i dont know how much of it is just a Me Problem. people will always have different opinions and ways of doing things. but it freaks me out. i just want to like my silly little things and exist on the silly little internet without feeling icky anytime i look at a fandom space. i know i can avoid looking at accounts and posts that make me feel gross, but they still exist and they make me really nervous that everyone will hate me if i do anything online. idk. the more internet i consume, the more i think, wow, we really aren't supposed to have this much contact with everyone all the time.

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成功が失敗・失敗が成功

善が悪で・悪が善

success is failure. failure is success.

good is evil. evil is good.

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December ko-if supporter request 🖤

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mary's bad ending where she escapes to the outside world full of hope but ends up alone in that dark gallery screaming in desperation was so messed up.

i kept wondering if she was stuck there forever with no way out (not even death) that kind of ending freaked me out as a kid and honestly it still does

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richard siken is so talented i can't stand it. how do u put words together so perfectly how do u understand my soul without ever meeting me

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years ago i threw away my favorite blanket because i liked it so much i daringly called it "magical," sending a jolt of dread and horror through my little religious ocd brain. magic is bad. magic must leave. i snuck the blanket into our big garbage can.

that blanket was so soft and cuddly. it was white underneath, and the top was blue with raggedy ann and andy on it. it was a gift from my grandma, my mom's mom, who i never got to see very often because she lived far away and was too sick to visit. she's now in a care home for her dementia. that blanket is one of the only gifts i have from her. and i threw it away.

i feel so sick and guilty about doing that. i feel so awful.

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YTTD Commission for @shslcheshirecat 🐈🐕

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trend

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getting ready with a group of girls who all accomplish their femininity so, so well, and feeling so, so broken. i don't care about femininity but i care about not making a fool of myself. my hair looks bad. its grown out a little too long and ive never known how to style it. it looks messy and awful. im hastily painting over my chipped black nails and they are crumpled and messy, filling the air with that acrid nail polish smell. ive anxiously pulled out all of my eyebrow hair. i dont have a good eyebrow pencil with me - but my bangs cover them, right? my eyeliner is shaky and unbalanced. im wearing glasses. contacts make my eyes feel funny. dont i look tacky? i forgot to bring a sweater that matches my dress. im going to need to wear one that doesn't match. i can't go sleeveless. im a mess. god, im a mess. my shoulders hunch. my hair still looks bad. i don't care about femininity but why do i have to be so bad at it? why can't i wear a good mask just for a day?

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why do i only write in my journal when im going through it. itll be like months between entries and each entry is scribbled paragraphs of panic and crisis im like whoa ok please write some gentle mundane things once in a while 😭

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hello all my followers from my rottmt days. i hope u enjoy the hekiru gglr content i forcibly place upon your dashboards