#mind you my grandma is VERY religious and doesn’t agree with a lot of things

[kaidabakugou]

my grandma has had only female dogs for a while now so when she talks with my dog sometimes she calls him by she and other times by him

but today when i went to pick him up after leaving him with her for a bit while i picked up some of her meds, she told me that his pronouns are now they/them bc he answers her calls regardless of how she calls out to him lol

[willow-salix]

Fluffember Prompt: Time

Day 22 of Isolation on Tracy Island 2.0. 

There is weirdness going on in this villa, weirdness I tell you. They all seem to be getting on really well and I knew they were planning something, I just didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing. 

"OK, what's going on?" I asked Alan, picking on the smallest of the bunch. He was often the weak link in the group, he couldn't stand to be accused of things he hadn't done. 

"Nothing!" he squawked but he had that shifty look in his eyes that I recognised far too well. 

"Nope, not buying it," I coughed, folding my arms. I was starting to feel better but I was still feeling delicate and needing to rest a lot or I was getting light headed and grumpy (although Gordon said I was always grumpy). 

"OK," he sighed, knowing he was beaten. 

I waved a hand in a 'continue' gesture. 

"It's thanksgiving tomorrow."

I gave him a blank look, because I'm English and even though I'd heard of thanksgiving it wasn't something that I knew anything about and I definitely didn't celebrate it. 

"We've never celebrated before," I said. 

"We'll we've never had the time before," he shrugged, not taking his eyes off his game. 

Scott came in to sit down beside me with a cup of Gordon's tea which he handed me. I swear if I drink much more of this tea I'd start to slosh and look like a lemon. 

"What he means is that International Rescue has taken up so much of our time for so long that we've never wanted to do a big celebration because it would always get interrupted. We tried the first few years but every time a rescue call would come in and we'd end up leaving, it stopped being worth the effort."

"We still try to do Christmas," John added, nudging me until I sipped my tea. Honestly, I hate tea, I only drink it when I'm not well because coffee tastes weird when I have a cold, but it was making me feel a bit better so I was sucking it up. 

"But thanksgiving ended up being forgotten," Alan finished. "So Dad said we should make the most of this year and the fact that it's unlikely we'll get a call."

"We know the world is in a bad place right now but people need to be grateful for the fact that, while they can't see their family and friends as much as they would like to, they are doing their bit to keep their loved ones safe. And that's what thanksgiving is about, spending time with family and being thankful for everything you have," Scott said. 

"I can understand that part," I nodded. "I just don't get the whole thanksgiving thing, it's not something we do where I'm from, so I know nothing about it. What's the story?" 

All three of them looked at each other, exchanging one of those silent looks that family does where they are communicating nonverbally.

" I too would like to understand more about this human custom," EOS said, her holographic symbol floating peacefully above the table. "It sounds most interesting."

"We could tell you, but Grandma would be better, she used to tell us the story when we were kids," Scott said. 

"Does this mean you guys have forgotten most of the story?" I guessed. 

"No, of course not!" Alan protested. 

I can't say I believed them. 

Grandma was duly summoned to the lounge and we all settled in various chairs and couches like kids in anticipation of storytime. 

"It all began around five hundred years ago," Grandma began, holding court like the Queen she is. "And a great many people in England were unhappy because their King wouldn't allow them to worship as they liked."

"Always the way," I muttered under my breath. "Always some king or other telling people how to pray. Couldn't even be a witch without being killed for it, but I know the Protestants had the same kind of trouble."

"The king told them they must worship his way or risk imprisonment or even death," Grandma said. "They were of course unhappy with this and a great many took it upon themselves to flee the country to settle elsewhere."

"So basically they yeet skeeted out of there?" I said. 

"That's one way of putting it," Scott laughed. 

"First they tried Holland, and called themselves Pilgrims, a word meaning someone who is always travelling to find something they love or a land where they could be happier. They said 'from place to place, toward heaven, their dearest country'."

I sipped my tea and listened, it was easy enough to follow so far, I knew about religious persecution, although I'd never left my home for it. 

"The pilgrims were happy there for a while, they were quiet, peaceful people, but they were very poor. And, when their children began to grow up, they didn't have the same upbringing as their parents had, they weren't like English children, they spoke Dutch, like the children of Holland and some grew very disobedient and refused to go to church anymore."

"Sounds legit."

"The parents weren't impressed with this and, after much deliberation they decided to move again, wishing to go somewhere they could live their own way and make their own rules. They hired two ships, the Mayflower-" 

"Oh, I've heard of that one! That's one thing I do know," I said, quite proud of my rather limited knowledge but you know, you gotta take what you can get. 

"They hired the Mayflower and the Speedwell to take them across the sea to another land where they could make their home."

"So the pilgrim Mamas and Papas were like forget this, we're gonna ship off somewhere we get to make the rules?" I asked. 

"Essentially, yes," John admitted. 

"Honestly, I'm not too sure what to think of this right now, but I'm reserving judgment."

Grandma gave me a squinty eyed look of warning and I mimed zipping my lips. 

"Unfortunately," she who must be obeyed continued, "the Speedwell was not a strong ship, and the captain had to take her home again before she had gone very far. The mayflower returned too to take some of the Speedwell's passengers. They travelled for more than two months-" 

"Two months!" Alan yelped, "we can go from here to England in less than an hour in Thunderbird One."

"Yeah, that's crazy," Virgil agreed, shaking his head like he couldn’t quite believe it. 

"They landed and started building the first homes on Christmas day, but the journey hadn't been kind to them, many were sick and still suffered months later so were little help in the house raisings. They had barely any food, they had landed in winter when the land was barren and frozen, with great snow falls the likes of which they had never seen before."

"That sucks," Gordon said. "They should have been better prepared."

"By the time spring arrived their number had reduced by half from illness, starvation and cold," Grandma said, continuing with her far from pleasant tale. "The indigenous tribes of the area came to help, being friendly people and offered grain, seeds and tools with which to farm as well as the knowledge of when and how to plant to make the most of the land."

"That was nice of them," EOS said. "I have observed that it is uncommon for  humans to help each other without payment or gain, but it seems that it was not always the case."

"No, it wasn't," John agreed. "No matter what you read of humans, EOS, remember that where there is bad there is also good. Unfortunately it's often the bad we hear about while the good remain unnoticed, but that doesn't lessen their value or importance."

I squeezed his knee affectionately, just because I could and it's funny to watch him jump sometimes. His hand landed on top of mine to prevent me doing it again but I knew he didn't mind really. 

"The pilgrims farmed well all summer and when the autumn cape and they had harvested their crops they decided that a feast was in order to celebrate their first year, their first harvest and their new life. They invited all their native friends to attend and they happily agreed, bringing with them deer and other foods to share. They must have enjoyed themselves because the party lasted for three days. And now we celebrate being thankful for what we have every year at thanksgiving," Grandma finished, looking pleased with herself. She obviously loved the story and had told it with a kind of familiar comfort which told me that it was once she'd heard many times before, probably from her own grandparents.

 I loved those kinds of stories, the ones that bring back memories or a time past, one's that make you smile when you think of them. 

"Wow, they really knew how to throw down and have a good time," Alan grinned. " Do we get a three day party?" 

"I wish we did, but no, " Scott chuckled, "nice try though, squirt."

"Right, now that you've all kept me busy telling you stories, I'm going to go and see if you're father is ready to go, he's taking me to the mainland for supplies for tomorrows meal." Grandma jumped up from couch with a lot more energy than I had (she was obviously invigorated by the thought of shopping) and toddled off to hunt down Jeff. 

"John?" EOS asked quietly. 

"Yes, EOS?" 

"I don't understand Grandma's story."

"What didn't you understand, baby girl?" I asked her, butting in because I was bored quite honestly. 

"I have checked the facts of the story and found that it is not historically accurate." 

"What isn't?" Alan asked. 

"It appears that, while the meal did indeed happen, it was not called the first thanksgiving until later and that it was actually an American president, Abraham Lincoln, who heard about the meal from a diary of the time and used it as a moral booster during the Civil War."

"Oh, well that's not as nice," Gordon admitted. 

"My research also tells me that the pilgrims and the native Americans did not stay friends for long, indeed there were many nasty things done to them culminating in the decimation of their culture. Therefore I do not understand why such a thing is celebrated."

"Unfortunately, that's the English for you," I sighed. "For a small country we've done a lot of harm, we've invaded a lot of countries and taken over thinking that our ways were better, when really the best way was that of the native people. It's one of the things about being English I'm not proud of."

"It's not always that simple," John started, adopting that patiently explaining tone of his. It wasn't that 'I'm talking to an idiot' one that some men end up doing, but one that showed he was willing to listen and engage in an actual conversation. And people wonder why I love him so much. 

"Why not? History cannot be ignored," EOS insisted. 

"In this instance, it's not about history being ignored, but the spirit of the holiday changing over time. In the case of Thanksgiving its more about taking time out of your lives to stop and think about why you are thankful, to think about what you have and what your are grateful to have. You spend time with your family and friends and share stories and time. As with many things in life its a nasty part of history that something positive has come out of."

"Like how a lot of people don't celebrate Christmas as the birth of Jesus, because they aren't religious in that way, but treat it more as a time of family and a time to enjoy company, food and thoughtful gifts. So many traditions have developed over the years that can't be explained by history but are important just the same," Virgil told her. If John was the closest thing to a father to her, Virgil was definitely her ever patient uncle, he was always happy to talk to her. 

"So it is not a celebration of the harvest, the meal or the actions after?" 

"No, its about the spirit of the meal, the sharing of food with those for might not have any, of reflecting on the things you are thankful for and enjoying time with your loved ones," John explained. 

"I do not understand the spirit, I do not recall any ghosts in the story, but I find humans to be confusing, so I shall simply observe the remainder of your rituals and see for myself," she decided, her hologram blinking out. 

"Well," I sighed. "I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be interesting."

[sunflowerbloomss]

Hi! I've seen your post about Unorthodox. As a person who is not Jewish I wanted to search for opinions about this show here on tumblr to get to know different points of views, especially from Jewish people. Then I found your post and a few other posts. Many of them were criticising the show for using the "escape from the cult" trope. Yours was rather positive. Those people said that it's making Hasidic people look bad and that it's ignorant. What's your take on this?

hello!!! i actually have a lot to say about this so bear with me for a sec. my tl;dr is basically that the “escape from the cult” trope is always bound to showing “the cult” in the worst way possible, while on unorthodox the only person with bad motives from the community is moishe.

i’ll start by saying that the hasidic community they’re talking about is satmar, which is located in brooklyn and has many of the “rules” (for a lack of a better english word i know) that are presented in the series. they didn’t state the name in the series because they would sue their asses, but keep in mind that we’re talking about one of the most strict hasidic communities there are in the world. i am not as familiar with the subject as i would like to be, but i know names of a few hasidic communities and approximately how strict they are (though it’s complicated). satmar are known for leading a pretty strict way of life. when i told my mom i’m watching a show about a girl running away from satmar, she said “yeah, well, with them, the only way out is running of suicide”. (keep in mind that my mom really doesn’t like religion). so, generally - we’re talking about a very strict community that is known for being so strict.

now, to the series - i don’t think  they’re showing the community esty runs from to be a cult. i think that when we see esty “following the rules” she’s happy even after she runs she still loves her community. when things are not getting complicated for her - and even when they only start to - esty is still happy. she’s married and she has her family and she’s doing the things she loves. she realises she doesn’t belong there when she understands she has to give up the things she loves to do things she doesn’t love because “that’s the way it is”. when she gives up her piano lessons to go to this woman who tries to teach her how to have sex, when she forces herself to have sex even though she doesn’t want to, when she realises she has to live with yanky for the rest of her life even though she wants to go back to her grandmother’s house for a bit. this is where things start to get complicated for her - when she has to do the things she doesn’t want to do.

that’s when she decides to run. that’s when she thinks she can’t do this anymore, becuase she doesn’t like the idea of doing things simply because she must. now, here’s the time to stop and get back to reality again. i believe some of the criticism is about the fact that the series shows esty “having” to do things she doesn’t want to do to make hasidic communities look bad and sexist. i do not know personally someone who came from a hasidic communities (and frankly, i’m too lazy to google it) but i do know religious and haredi jewish people, and i’ll tell you this - from my personal experience and from many different people’s personal experiences, the more religious you are the more it’s okay for you to be sexist. this is a huge generalization, but i’ll say that orthodox jewish communities have a sexism problem (just like many other communities, yeah? i’m just saying that for our own discussion). i can talk a lot about sexism and judaism, but i’ll shorten this huge essay to this - ignoring the ways orthodox jewish communities use the bible and the rules of judaism to justify and amplify their oppression of women is also a problem. we don’t like to talk about it, because then we feel like we portray judaism as bad, but imo not talking about it or trying to soften it is unfair to every woman who gets beaten down by it. so i think showing the community pushing esty to have children and listen to her husband is not only okay but important. that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about other good things that happen in religious communities, but if we decide to talk about orthodox judaism we have to talk about this. imo it was very well done.

anyway, back to the story - so esty decides to leave. and she doesn’t tell anyone about it, because she knows they wouldn’t let her go if she would. how does she know that? she sees how much they despise anyone who decides to leave. this is also something that is important to represent about hasidic communities (and also about any orthodox communities, the more religious they are the importance of representing it grows) - they don’t like it when people leave. sometimes it’s because they’re afraid some things that are secret about their community would get to other people who are not part of it and then the community would lose it secrecy (which can be both good and bad, if you’d ask me). once again i don’t know a lot of stories regarding different hasidic communities (and every one of them is so different so the stories would be different) but i know many stories of people from religious and haredi communities who told their family they don’t want to be religious anymore, and their family had abandoned them. my disclaimer is that there are in fact some stories about those who are still in great touch with their family, and that they visit on holidays and so, but there are many stories about people who end up losing their family because they didn’t want this type of life anymore and the family couldn’t agree to that. (there are also many stories like this about families disowning gay kids in the name of the bible, but that’s for a different show). so anyway - the community wanting esty back even though it’s clear that she doesn’t want to go back to them is not portraying them as a cult. it’s pretty realistic imo.

and hey, she never says that she ran because she hates them and that she wants “to take this cult down” (which is a very important thing in the “escape from the cult” trope). she said she left because “i didn’t fit in there”. she didn’t try to take with her anyone, she didn’t try to “save” anyone from her community. if this show had really taken the road of showing hasidic communities as a cult, esty would’ve tried to take her aunt and grandma with her. she didn’t.

another thing that is important is how the only person from the community who is supposed to be unlikeable all through the series is moishe. now, i have something to say about this. there is a chance it’s by chance, there is a chance it’s just because how this turned out, but moishe - the character we’re supposed to hate - is the only character from the community (who isn’t esty or her mom) which “enjoys” sins. we have him betting (forbidden), and even though i think it’s not forbidden we have him taking yanky to a strip clup with him, which isn’t something i believe the community would look at as happily. moishe, then, is a character that sins both in the religion and in morals. he scares esty and he breaks into her mom’s house, he constantly lies to yanky just because he wants to. looking at all the characters who stayed in the community, the only one the audience is supposed to dislike is moishe. we’re supposed to like yanky, because he just wants to bring esty back; we’re supposed to like the grandmother, because she feels bad that both her daughter and her granddaughter left the community; we’re supposed to like the aunt, because she cares so much about esty and she doesn’t really know what to do.

so, really, after all that, we’ve come to the conclusion that the community esty comes from is shown both positively and negatively. the criticism isn’t there just because the director wanted the viewer to hate everything esty came from - it’s there because it’s important to show the negative sides of strict communities. we’re only supposed to dislike one character - moishe - who is someone we probably should’ve disliked even in another show, at a different time. 

i do want to say something about yael, since she’s the only representation of secular judaism in this show and imo her character is fantastic. as i said on one of my posts - i hate her guts, but i love her character. she’s the representation of the secular judaism, and when we see her from esty’s pov we see just how many things she does are not to many people’s liking. when esty says “my parents lost their whole families in the holocaust” and she replies “so did half of israel” we can understand how for her it’s not as a big deal as it is to esty. she talks about hasidic people the way this series is blamed for showing them - “they’re nuts, the men study the torah every day and the women are baby machines”. if this series truly would’ve wanted to show this pov (which would think esty escaped a cult) we would conclude that yael is right. but she’s not, and it’s something we see a lot in the show.

this is long and this concludes to the point that i don’t think this show uses a trope of “escaping the cult”. it clearly has criticism about the hasidic community, which is pretty justified in my opinion, but it’s not seen as a cult. i would also like to mention that this series is based on a book by a woman who also left the satmar community. i haven’t read it so idk how accurate to her story the series is, but the themes are first and foremost introduced here by someone who actually lived there.

this was long and if you’ve actually read all of this i’m really happy!! i hope this is good enough of an answer. kinda messy and i probably forgot a few things, but my main point stands. i do get however why there are people who don’t like this show, but i personally think it’s very well done, so. yeah. that’s all

[hopeworldfan]

sunday morning

summary: you ex shows up on your doorstep at nine am on a sunday morning.

pairing: hoseok/reader, yoongi/reader

word count: 1.5k+

genre: angst, fluff, college!au, established relationship warning: just angst folks

songs: apologize; onerepublic, delicate; taylor swift

a/n: this has been in my drafts for a long time and turned out a lot different than planned.

You’d never been a religious person. Sure, you tagged along with your family on holidays when they would go to church, used to say your ‘Hail Marys’ because your great-grandma would make you, but you’d never actually believed in a God.

Well, until now because the only reason why Jung Hoseok would be standing at your front door was because God needed something to laugh about on an otherwise boring Sunday morning.

“(Y/N), wait!” He shouted as you immediately swung the door shut when you realized it was him. You weren’t fast enough though, and he stopped the door with his foot before it would close. God was finally striking back from all the times you doubted his existence. That was the only explanation.

“God, what the fuck do you want Hoseok?” 

“You.” There was a beat of silence before you laughed, a sharp bark that made Hoseok cringe because that wasn’t your laugh. 

“You have to be fucking kidding me. This is some sick joke, right? Maybe you’re filming some prank video for a youtube channel because I refuse to believe you’re standing in my apartment with that corny ass shit.” Your words were scathing, but Hoseok knew he deserved it. Deserved the way you were glaring at him.

“Look, I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be-”

“You’re damn right I have every right to be! Now get out of my apartment with this lame ass joke Hoseok.”

Hoseok carded a hand through his hair, obviously frustrated that you weren’t taking him seriously. “I’m serious (y/n). I know I fucked up, okay? I was twenty and so fucking stupid, I saw all the other guys fucking their way through college and I thought that’s what I wanted but it’s not. You’re what I want, and I never should have let you go, I know that now.”

“You are absolutely unbelievable Jung Hoseok,” you said with a scoff, digging through the cabinets until you find the bottle of wine you were looking for, pouring yourself more than was proper, but needing the alcohol in your system for this bullshit. “You threw away our three-year relationship because you wanted to get your dick wet and now that you realize that it’s not what it’s cracked up to be, what? You think you can come to my doorstep spewing some cliche bullshit and I’ll just take you back? That’s rich.”

Hoseok watched the way you downed the glass of wine without pausing and his heart ached. “I made a mistake, the biggest mistake of my life. I love you (y/n), I always have. That never stopped.”

“Bullshit,” you said simply, setting the wine glass down and leaning against the kitchen counter. “You didn’t love me Hoseok, because you don’t hurt the people you love the way you hurt me. Do you have any idea what you did to me? The extent to which you destroyed me?”

“Baby-”

“No!” You shouted and Hoseok was relieved because finally, finally, there was a reaction. An emotion other than indifference and bitterness. “You don’t get to come in and call me baby and think everything will be okay! I loved you so god damn much Hoseok and therein lies the problem. I’ll never love anyone as much as I loved you, and maybe that’s a good thing because it destroyed me. You destroyed me and I’ve finally started to pick up the pieces, to move on, to not cry every time you cross my mind. You don’t get to come waltzing back in now and expect me to drop everything for you.”

“What’s going on?” The sudden appearance of a third person caused both of you to freeze. Hoseok took in the man emerging from the hall, wearing nothing but a pair of sweats and toweling his wet hair. His stomach dropped to his feet. “Who’s this?”

You immediately buried your face in your hands. “Yoongi, meet Hoseok.”

Hoseok saw the way the man -Yoongi- slowly appraised him, sized him up from head to toe, nothing short of distaste on his face. It seemed like he knew who he was. “Finally came groveling, huh?” The question was directed at Hoseok. “I figured it would only be a matter of time. She’s not the kind of woman you can just move on from.”

This couldn’t be happening. You refused to believe any of it was actually unfolding in front of you. It was just supposed to be a lazy Sunday with your new -you’ve only been dating three months!- boyfriend. There was supposed to be pancakes and coffee and cuddling on the couch while you rewatched Criminal Minds for the fourth time. Your ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend weren’t supposed to be having a dick measuring contest in your living room.

“What do you know about the kind of woman she is?” Hoseok retorted defensively. 

“I know she’s the kind of woman you don’t ditch for sorority pussy, which already makes me smarter than you.” 

“Oh my god enough, Hoseok, outside, now. Yoongi, please for the love of God just stay in here and let me handle this as much as I appreciate you doing the whole ‘defending my honor’ bit, it’s very hot.” 

The door swung shut behind you, leaving you alone with Hoseok in your apartment hallway. 

“What happened to never loving anyone as much as you loved me?” Hoseok asked immediately and you scoffed.

“You can’t be fucking serious right now Hoseok. Do you have any fucking idea all the bullshit I went through, all the bullshit I put Yoongi through because of you? I’m utterly baffled that he’s stuck around because I’m nothing short of absolutely batshit on my good days, because of you. You threw three years down the drain so you could fuck random girls, get the full college experience. You don’t get to be mad because I found someone who won’t drop me over pussy.”

He had the decency to look ashamed, not that it made you any less angry. “I would do anything to go back and change things (y/n). I know this is all my fault, that I’m the one who broke us and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I hope he makes you happy, I truly do.”

Hoseok moves as if to hug you but you instinctively flinch away from his touch and you see the unshed tears in his eyes when he forces a smile and turns on his heel. You stay rooted to your spot until he’s out of sight. It’s only then that you robotically step into your apartment and lean against the door.

“Hey,” Yoongi said softly, none of the previous cold cockiness present now that Hoseok was gone. “You okay?”

That’s all it took for you to break, your knees unable to support your weight as you slid down the door, the tears you had been holding back finally breaking free. “No.”

Yoongi knelt down in front of you, gently running his fingers through your hair as you ugly cried. “It’s okay baby.”

“I’m sorry.” You sobbed. “I shouldn’t be crying over him.”

“Don’t apologize, baby, it’s okay,” He immediately shushed. “I know how hard that was for you, I know how many times you fantasized about him coming back, and I know how much it hurt to reject him like that. I know you still love him, that some part of you always will.”

“This isn’t fair to you Yoongi! You shouldn’t have to comfort me while I cry over another man!” 

Yoongi just smiled gently, grabbing the tissue box from the coffee table and handing it to you. “Don’t act like this is the first time.”

He laughed at the watery glare you shot him. “Okay, okay, just joking, except not really because this isn’t the first time.”

“You’re really making me feel better here.” You said sarcastically, but his convoluted way to get you to stop crying was actually working. Yoongi was good at that, centering you, bring you back to reality, it was one of the reasons you finally agreed to go out with him. That and the fact that he was goddamn persistent.

“Babe, I knew you had baggage going into this, so do I. That baggage doesn’t magically disappear the minute we start dating, especially when said baggage appears on your doorstep at nine in the morning on a Sunday. So cry, get it out of your system, because that was the final step to the hell he put you through. He came back and you rejected him.” It hurt, it hurt so bad, but Yoongi was right. You’d actually done it, rejected Hoseok, something you never thought you would have been capable of doing. Something you know you wouldn’t have been able to do without Yoongi. The man who knew how broken you were, how crazy you were, but stuck by your side like goddamn gorilla glue because he wanted you and he was never one to back down from a challenge. The man who waited for you, who kept coming back time and time again no matter how many times you shot him down, who wore you down with flowers and gummy worms (because he overhead you tell a coworker that chocolates weren’t your thing). “Now, why don’t you wipe up all that snot and I’ll make us some pancakes and we can get on with our very important plans for the day.”

“You’re mean,” you mumbled but complied nonetheless. 

“Maybe,” he said cheekily, waiting until your face was free of snot before leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to your lips. “But you like it.”

No, you didn’t think you could love anyone the way you loved Hoseok. To pour everything you had into another person willingly and without fear until there was nothing left. You did think you could love Yoongi though, with his dry humor and resting bitch face, so different from your ex in every possible way, because Yoongi met you in the middle. The way you loved Yoongi was cautious, like a baby deer taking its first steps, but he was always there, never pushing, never wanting more than you were willing to give. The two of you still hadn’t exchanged ‘i love yous’ even though you knew he wanted to, even though you saw it on the tip of his tongue more frequently than not these days. He was waiting for you like he always did. 

“Yeah, I do,” you said softly. He wouldn’t have to wait much longer. 

[doodleferp]

Okay so my brother got into an arguement with me for over an hour about sexuality and gender today. To him, apparently basic human instinct should override what people identify with. Here are the highlights from him:

“Asexual people DO feel sexual attraction, they just don’t acknowledge it.”

“There are only TWO biological genders. You are either MALE or FEMALE. If you think you’re anything else, you must have failed biology.”

Him calling the LGBT+ community the ACBDEF community because “they basically have the whole alphabet now”.

“Women have too much power thanks to the Me Too movement. We should stop campaigning for women’s rights when men are getting theirs taken away.”

* “Anorexia isn’t an eating disorder — you’re just starving yourself.”

He even pulled the good ol’ “being gay is a choice” line with me. Yes, Brother. I choose to be gay so I can get all the homophobia and ultra-religious people on my ass for loving who I love.

While I acknowledge that everyone will have their own opinions and agree with the fact that there are a lot of double-standards for men that need to be broken as well, the comments about sexuality and gender identity he made absolutely infuriated me. When I tried to explain why these opinions weren’t very open-minded for today’s generation, he started lashing out at me for being close-minded because I don’t like sports and will only eat certain foods/am resistant to trying new things. I brought these comments to my male friend, who is also asexual, and he was equally upset by these. In this arguement, he dehumanized:

Me, who is pansexual.

My male friend and my (amazing) girlfriend, who are both asexual.

My summertime buddy, who identifies as nonbinary.

My former college roommates, all three of whom identify as trans men.

A classmate of mine, who identifies as a trans woman.

And our fifty-eight y/o aunt, who has been anorexic since her late teens.

What shocks me and makes me angry-angry about this whole situation is that my brother is only fourteen. I don’t know who, where or how he’s getting such toxic opinions in his head, because we have very tolerant parents who have taught us that acceptance is key. (IMO, my best bet is either TikTok or our seventy-something grandma, neither of which are reliable sources).

My brother has also been getting very... aggressive since I got home for the quarantine. He’s been pressuring me to go outside and exercise and gets upset when I don’t want to. He berates me for only eating certain things (a factor of my autism), and lashes out at me when I don’t want to eat something different. He even lashes out at me when I don’t eat anything (which is a side-effect of my stimulant meds), saying I need to eat or my body won’t function. Last night, he made dinner for the first time and I didn’t eat because my meds hadn’t worn off yet; and he got angry and told me if I didn’t eat it I would be sleeping outside that night. I didn’t sleep outside, of course, because he doesn’t have the authority to make me do that and I doubt he would’ve enforced that anyway.

At the end of the sexuality argument, Brother and I got into a screaming match earlier — I started crying because he was actively dehumanizing so many people in my life and was so unapologetic about it, and in the heat of the moment I said some mean things. He started crying as well, and he shat on my male ace friend’s explanation of asexuality, saying he didn’t give a shit about what he had to say and that “if you’re gonna believe someone you’ve only known for a semester over someone who’s been in your life for over fourteen years, you can just go jump off a cliff”.

I’m posting this here because I really need some advice on this situation. How can someone so young have such toxic opinions on these situations? Is it me? Is it something I did wrong by coming out in high school? Is it his friends’ influence? Is it our grandma’s influence? I need advice.

[youmaycallmebrian]

Hey i understand how weird and intense and out of place this could sound, but i need to say it: I really want to have a big open discussion on religion, more precisely christianism.

Let me explain my context and my background so that it makes sense to you:

I was born and raised in Québec, Canada. Here, the “norm” in terms of religion has always been christian catholicism (historically speaking, it was like the official and most common one). That’s what my ancestors identified as. I know my grandparents were a lot more into religion than me when they were young: catechism was still part of the school curriculum, idk if they went to church every sunday but  i know they went a lot more than i do. My parents still had catechism as part of the school curriculum, but it was less present. They didn’t go to church every sunday. And now, me: Growing up, I was taught very very basic things about christianity. Mostly, it was my grandma who told me stuff here and there about it. I don’t think my parents taught me anything about it except maybe like the story of the birth of jesus. I understood from what she told me that Jesus was good and he loved me and all of us very much and he’s in the sky in heaven watching over us with God. He had a mom called Mary and a dad called Joseph (now I know it’s not really his dad but that’s what I understood back then).  In school, up until I was like 10, we still had what was called “religious teaching” in the curriculum, but it was a very very small part of what we were taught (I barely remember anything from it) and it was really vague. Then, they completely deleted this class and changed it for “Ethics and religious culture” (in the public school curriculum) because of various reasons.

I was baptized but (obviously) i don’t remember it because i wasn’t even a year old. I did my first communion at like 9 years old.  my parents did theirs with the school during their time, it was part of the curriculum. same for their confirmation. i did it bc i saw other people in my class who did it and i didnt want to be left out. my parents agreed but they were confused bc they thought the school was taking care of it but not anymore haha. The confirmation was supposed to be at like 12 years old but i didn’t do it bc i was starting to understand more about what religion meant and what it was and realized i didn’t care and didn’t really identified as a christian.  Later, my cousin wanted me to be the godmother of her son but i needed my confirmation in order to be officially recognized as the godmother during his baptism. So i did it, but only because of that. I was around 18 years old.

The things I had to do for my confirmation made me question my faith a lot. I knew for a fact that I believed in God (like, a superior entity or a superior kinda force responsible for the creation of the world) and i believed in Jesus (i mean theres scientific and historical proof he existed) and from what I understood and knew about him, I thought he sounded like a really neat guy. But I didn’t identify as a christian, really. Religion just wasn’t part of my life, period, so I never really thought about it or about my beliefs. But then, i started to be more and more interested in what the frick was in the bible and what was it that made people so so so so PASSIONATE about it. So i started reading it a bit and i thought it was a cool story lmao but i didn’t get very far, like i read maybe 1/20 of it. What really bugged me about it in the first place is that I knew that the people I hated (homophobes, transphobes, sexists, racists, etc.) were often really religious and often backed up their arguments with “the bible”. So i just assumed that i wouldn’t agree with the bible anyways bc it doesn’t match my beliefs.

I didn’t continue reading the bible (should probably continue, one day... like 5 years later lmao) simply bc i’m a procrastinator and i can’t keep up with my 109357976598 personal projects and ideas. But i watched many videos on youtube about religion, i watched a lot of debates, i listened to people with very different points of views and interpretations of the bible and of christianity in general. And it just confused me even more lmao bc i don’t know what the frick i believe in.

I questioned myself a lot on the validity of the bible. I know that for some of you christians, reading this probably makes you cringe and want to vomit but please understand my background and where i’m coming from.  I was confused bc so many conservative people are like “being gay is a sin, it says it in the bible”, but there are also SO many things that are considered “sin” in the bible that these people are actively doing... So, how do you know what to follow and what to ignore in the bible? How do you know how to interpret the messages? And how do you know if YOU interpret the messages right? Who can dictate us except god itself or jesus himself? I was so confused. It seemed like downright hypocrisy to me. Like... who are we to interpret god’s words? we’re just dumb humans. Maybe we got it all wrong. we’ll never know!!!! that’s scary to me...

Also... from everything i read about Jesus, i knew it was my boi. I loved him. I agreed and felt everything he preached. But then why do those conservatives who have like the opposite values as me love Jesus too? Is there something i’m getting wrong? Is there something that THEY are getting wrong? How is it possible? That means we must be interpreting things differently... so then the question comes again, HOW DO WE KNOW WHO’S GOT THE RIGHT INTERPRETATION AIUDGOIGHEOIRHJEROITHWIEUYG And then i started to dig deeper in my thoughts and to wonder: who REALLY wrote the bible? Men did. They are just writing down “god’s words” but dang, the words are still nonetheless written by men. mere mortals. human beings like you and me. How do we know they wrote down god’s words correctly? How do we know they were not imposters? And then, there’s the translation of the bible. I can’t believe there weren’t any translation mistakes? how do we know they did a good job?

Do you understand my concern? I’m just wondering how can we place our faith into the bible when we know it was written by men.

I know it may seem like a very bold question but please understand that I know next to nothing about christianity and religion, i’m new to all this. I am just trying to understand.

So now I would like to know, what do you guys think about this? Is there one of you who has a similar experience? Any one of you can relate? What’s your opinion? 

P.S. Just to make it clear, I am not here to start a debate or to attack anyone. I am currently pretty neutral in terms of christianity, like I’m just trying to view it from an objective perspective. As I told you, I don’t know enough about it to really take position. I am clueless. So please, do not view my questions and my invitation for discussion as an attack or the start of an argument. I’m just a dumb girl who wants to discuss and open up her mind. Whoever you are, christian or not, even if you’re an atheist, i’m interested in hearing your opinion.

I love you all and i hope i can learn from this. <3

[samtheflamingomain]

i have family again... kinda

So it’s *checks watch* Thursday. On Monday I decided, as I am want to do, to get very drunk, and I ended up calling my father’s parents. I would do so every few months just to hear my grandmother’s voicemail message. But on that day, I was hoping to hear the voice of my grandfather, so I called twice, knowing he always misses the first call and picks the second up immediately.

Again, I’d done this before, just to hear his voice. He goes “Hello? Hello?” And I hang up. But something inside me on Monday decided to say, “Royal? It’s Sam.”

35 minutes later, I’m hanging up, bawling my eyes out. After a few minutes with Royal, it came to me that he wasn’t all there. His Alzheimer's was much worse than it was before, 3 years ago, when I last spoke to them.

So he eventually put Kathy, my grandmother, on the line. She was immediately in tears and literally praising God for my call. She had been so worried. She just prayed for me that day. It was a miracle of Christ’s birth that I called.

So, a few things to get out of the way: I’m a trans man, I look 100% male, have a low voice and a beard. But Royal is 54390 years old and doesn’t have his full mind. He’s the only person on the planet that I give a pass to misgendering me. And he does, a lot. 

Kathy is extremely religious. But she knows I’m an atheist. And she doesn’t try to change that. So I don’t try to change her. 

So. We made plans to have lunch the next day. I got my friend Casey to come with, as my Emotional Support Best Friend.

It was a bit awkward at first, but by the time I left it felt like I’d never been gone. We just talked for hours about life, the universe and everything.

I got a few bombshells dropped on me in an order that was very... odd. Firstly, my great-aunt Tammy that I’ve never met as an adult passed away. Okay, Grandma, that’s sad, yeah. Oh also my 22-year old cousin Skye had a fucking child a few weeks ago. Dunno the sex or name, guess we’ll find out at Christmas! What the fuck Grandma.

Then... “Have you.... heard anything from your mom?”

“No, why?”

“Well she moved up north somewhere”

Wait the fuck up Grandma.

“So... are they [my parents] not together anymore?”

“No, she left him in June. Moved somewhere between Toronto and Owen Sound” 

Grandma. There are dozens of places between those places.

“That’s all your father told me. I think that’s all he knows”

So.... yeah. Still processing that my mom runofft on my cheating father 2 years after I runofft. 

As I was leaving, my grandmother asked quite sheepishly, “Can I tell your dad that we met up? He’s so worried about you...” And I really couldn’t give less of a shit about what my “father” is worried about. But I saw it in her eyes and I heard it on the phone. SHE had been so worried about me. I knew it meant something to her to be able to tell her son she knew I was okay. So I agreed. 

I won’t be coming for Christmas because he’ll be there, but my grandmother understands. She actually apologized profusely for what she did to me. When I was kicked out and homeless she took my father’s side. But she owned up to it, said she made a terrible mistake and that she felt horrible about it every day. I never wanted her to feel that. I wanted Scott to feel that. And hopefully he does.

I’ve lived exactly 2 years, 10 months and 10 days without any family in my life whatsoever. I considered them all toxic and cut them all out of my life. Not without reason. Uncle Mikey can fuck right off, because he told me he didn’t want to get involved, and thus let his nephew become homeless. My sister can fuck right off because she sided with my mother, telling me I was being too mean to her by cutting her out of my life. 

My father can fuck right off because he caused everything by needing to get his goddamn dick sucked by a whore named Lisa who can also fuck right off for being a piece of shit homewrecker. 

But I’ve had a few days to think. I used to also put my mother in category “fuck right off” because she was the one to actually kick me out 3 years ago. I showed her evidence that my father cheated on her and she accused me of making it up and kicked me out and had no fucking remorse.

But I’ve always had a rule. A rule I never thought would even come into play. “I’ll talk to Lois again but only if she leaves Scott.” I never thought she would. But she did.

I don’t know where she is, but I have one friend who seems to be able to contact her. It was through this friend that my mother informed me of my grandfather’s passing about a year ago. So I might have a way.

But I’m still not sure if I want to try. Things are obviously much different than I thought. I still need time, but we’ll see. We’ll see.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[chochmah-binah-daas]

The months since elul 5777 has been a hugely transitional time for me for so many reasons. I’ve been meaning to write about this since, well, late elul, early tishrei but I never had the energy to do so. I broke this up into chunks for easier reading but this is still quite an essay…

I know this is long but please like if you read even a part of this and if you have any insights or advice to offer me, my askbox is open and I’d love some support of any kind!!

Children

I always wrote off the idea of having children, even to the point of being one of those people who thought it was funny to be somewhat hostile towards kids. I did have some legitimate reasons for this, mostly sensory issues, being that I’m autistic and am sensitive to many sensory experiences; however, most of it was me just stubbornly holding onto a general distaste for children. Through the course of my retail job, I found myself more and more warming up to the kids who came into the store to the point where I would go out of my way to make faces and wave at babies at the expense of doing my actual job (not to worry, my job was literally completely ineffective). As I realized just after the High Holy Days began, I didn’t just not hate children anymore, I liked them. I actively like and desire to have children now.

If someone had asked me if I really thought I never wanted kids, I would pretty adamantly say I didn’t, though sometimes I’d admit that I could see myself maybe adopting one child in the future. Now it actively pains me that I don’t have children. Plural. Children. My only image of my future self is me, happily married and raising at least 3 or 4 good Jewish children.

I’m only 23 so I know that I’m not expected by secular society to have kids but seeing my more observant Jewish cousins around my age pursuing marriage really gets me down a lot of the time. I want nothing more right now than to marry a nice gay Jewish man and adopt a few kids. This leads me to my next sections…

Career goals

I never settled on one single thing I wanted to do with my life. I was one of those kids who, probably due to being autistic, was always getting deeply invested in something and then flitting off to another after a couple months. For the last year or two I did have a decent idea in my head that I wanted to get a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree and work in a library or archive. I’m good at that kind of work. It allows me to be quiet and a bit neurotic about my workstation because I’d largely be working alone, away from the general public and most of my coworkers.

After my graduation, my mom and grandma suggested that I consider going to law school. I agreed to at least take the LSAT, which I will be doing in February and oy am I nervous!! My mom, who went to law school, says that she thinks I’d be great at it, that my mind is so well-suited to that type of thinking. I don’t disagree with her but I also can’t imagine myself doing anything with a law degree.

In fact, I can’t imagine myself doing anything in the future. People think I’m joking, but I really do just want to marry someone with a steady, well-paying job and be a house-spouse. I have a deep passion for learning but I have no passion for an actual career that comes along with any path of study. In a perfect world where my mental illness didn’t destroy my ability to read, I would love to go get an MLIS and/or a law degree. I’d even consider going to a yeshiva and studying Torah, Talmud, contemporary Jewish issues, all that. But once I’m out of school, I have no clue what I’d do besides sit at home with all that knowledge swirling around in my head.

Education is never a waste in my opinion, but also formal education is expensive and I’d never be able to afford it without having a prospective career in my future to provide the income for paying off the student loans.

Gender

I never understood the concept of gender. All I know is what language I’m comfortable with, how I like dressing, and what I want my body to be. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I medically transitioned through hormones, chest surgery, and a hysterectomy. My pronouns are they/them or he/him. I am now legally male with a traditionally male name. On most days, I enjoy wearing skirts though I do occasionally choose to wear pants. I could never be cis-passing unless I stuck with wearing pants all the time, which would make me very uncomfortable. If you asked me to get dressed without thinking about it at all, my first choice would be to throw on a skirt, t-shirt, and cardigan. It’s comfortable, psychologically and sensory.

None of this changed during elul 5777; what did change was how my gender and my Judaism were connected. Before, they weren’t. Now, I am working on becoming shomer tznius which involved a major overhaul of my wardrobe, particularly the skirts and dresses. I got rid of almost all of my short and revealing articles unless they could be easily layered and bought a lot of long skirts, three quarter sleeve shirts, cardigans, and other tznius layering essentials.

When it comes to my religious observance, I mix and match though I do mostly connect with the mitzvos for men. In shul and at home, I prefer not to light the shabbos candles if there is a woman who would be able to do it instead. I wear tallis and tefillin to daven and I leyn torah. But I also enjoy occasionally wearing a tichel and being the one who cooks for shabbos, plus the aforementioned movement towards being shomer tznius.

Religious observance

I currently attend, and work for, a Reform shul. I adore my community and the rabbi there. It’s such a loving and supportive community with a small but fantastic group of regulars at Torah study. I’m fortunate in that my community has no problem with the way I present myself. They accept me as a queer Jew who expresses their queerness and their Jewishness in a unique way. But I worry about how other Jewish communities might react towards me, especially since I can see myself being much more observant than I currently am.

Ideally, I would have a kosher kitchen and fully observe shabbos. I would live close enough to walk to shul and I would make sure to raise my children with a strong Jewish identity, and of course a Jewish education. I don’t know if I could have that kind of life while being involved in a Reform community, largely because they don’t tend to celebrate every holiday and also when they do, it can be too lax for my tastes. For example, even in the winter our shabbos services don’t start until 6 or 7 PM, a solid 2 or so hours after shabbos actually begins.

As a queer Jew, who is very obviously gender nonconforming, I don’t know how I would fit into a more traditional community that would probably be more regimented in its separation of genders into a binary. I wear tallis and tefillin when I daven but I would be seen as a woman by some men so I would be immediately singled out as an other. I do wear skirts but I also have a deep voice and facial hair (and my name is Zack) so I’m automatically too male for women-only spaces. Not that I feel entitled to men- or women-only spaces, but I do fear how I could become more observant, when doing so tends to mean an increase in that kind of separation.

Relationships

This is probably the trickiest and most personal portion of this whole shpiel. I’m currently… somewhat in a relationship, I guess? When I transferred to HSU, I thought I was aromantic-asexual and I have since realized that I am neither of those and now identify as someone generally attracted to men. But soon after starting at HSU, I met someone else who identifies as aro-ace and we became really close friends, hanging out all the time in one of our dorm rooms. They were in a non-romantic, queer-platonic relationship with two people and suddenly, they started including me in this relationship. I didn’t mind this so much at the beginning but the more I come to understand my identity and my vague goals and dreams for the future, the more I realize that I just can’t go where I want to go in life and be tied to this relationship.

I know that the longer this goes on, the worse it will be to break it off but I’m terrified to do so, for various reasons I don’t want to get into here. As I said earlier, I want to marry a Jewish guy and have Jewish kids and live a Jewish life. I obviously can’t do that in a household with two pagans and a Catholic, none of whom want kids at all. I know I’m probably becoming one of Those Converts who gets super zealous about Judaism and defensive of their Jewishness but over the last year or so, and especially since elul, I have had this image in my head that I just can’t shake. And that image doesn’t include the people I currently feel tied down to.

[sherereadssthemanuscript]

Endless Summer Christmas headcanon thread

Because I am scared of and done with whatever is happening in the game.

Long post but since I am on mobile I can’t add ‘keep reading’

-Michelle wants to hold a party for her friendos - She planned it all out and asked her parents if they could hold it in their giant house , three stories, two pools inside and outside - She wants this to be special after the whole … experience on the island. She makes cute little invitation cards. All from scratch - Michelle and Sean are back together so he helps her out with the preparations. - (sorry Sean fans don’t hate me I have suffered enough) - so she goes to invite everyone. - even contacts Jake in Costa Rica and he agrees to come - “hell yeah I could use some Christmas spirit right now” said MC - “Rad. I was already planning my annual accidental reboot of Home Alone for Christmas” said Diego - “Sure I’ll come ! I’ll make gingerbread houses !” Said Quinn - “Oh uhhh I have never been to a Christmas party,,, this will be fun” Said Estela - Raj just cries happy tears and hugs Michelle - “What is that nonsense , Christmas is a celebration of Jesus Christ’s birth and should be celebrated in a chur–” said Aleister “a Christmas party sounds awesome, Meech!” Said Grace “I-uh- I mean yes of course we’d love to come” frantically answers Aleister. - (also I agree with Aleister in my country Christmas is a strictly religious holiday , the gifts and awesome dinners are during New Year) - “You know I’m Muslim, right?” Said Zahra “oh, Zahra I’m so sor–” “nah I am just messing with you , I will come, I am an atheist anyway.” - Michelle keeps knocking on Craig’s door but he doesn’t answer so she calls Sean - “hey, Sean I think your best friend has barricaded himself” - “Nah he’s out of country, visiting his parents in Taiwan” - Meech is a little upset not everyone will be there but she’s fine - Christmas Eve comes , Michelle is nervous about her party but Sean calms her - “hey, you did amazing, I am sure everyone will love this” - the door bell rings. Michelle jumps to open the door. - It’s Quinn “Hey, Meech! This is for you!” She passes Michelle a box full of beautiful gingerbread houses and other cute pastries" She enters and sits down on a couch “Hey, Sean!” Sean gives Quinn a friendly wave - MC and Diego arrive next they greet and hug everyone and Diego looks around the fancy house decorated with snowflakes and other winter things and whistles - “a real Winter castle” he says and approaches Meech “are you the ice queen” she lightly smacks his shoulder and shakes her head. - Jake breaks through the door, shivering from the cold “Can’t believe I replaced Costa Rica with this wintery mass” he shakes snow from his coat “Hey , Maybelline” he gives a quick hug to her and waves at Sean “sup, Cap” also waves to Diego and Quinn at the couch and approaches MC - “fancy seeing you here.” He says flirtatiously “at a party with all our friends” she answers with a laugh “was hoping I’d bump into you” he gives her a wink and they stare at each other. - their gaze is broken by Diego slipping his hand in between them and raising it - he has a little mistletoe. - “see this?” this is my stop-teasing-and-kiss-already…nator - Jake chuckles and wraps his hand around MCs waist and pulls her into a kiss. - (prepare for a lot or shippy moments btw) - Grace and Aleister arrive and Aleister’s nose that is like a dark shade of red from the cold becomes the laughing stock of the evening. Grace hugs him to keep him warm tho - Michelle offers him hot chocolate nearly spilling it from the laughter. - Estela arrives with Raj and they are both wearing reindeer ears - “… he convinced me” was all Estela said - Quinn exploded into a fit of giggles upon seeing Estela but the latter didn’t mind that much - and lastly Zahra arrived, late, she was wearing a Santa hat and a sweater that said “All I want for Christmas is your absence” - “wow , your sweater’s very jolly” Meech says “yeah my grandma gave it to me when I was 17” “Wait , really?” Michelle asked confused and Zahra rolled her eyes “of course not” - Zahra greeted everyone and looked around. - “so where’s uh.. ” she asked “Craig?” Michelle continued and Zahra protested “pfffft that was not what I was gonna ask I was gonna say uhhh where uh… Cocaine! Aren’t we having a White Christmas ?” - “yah sure.. to answer your initial question he’s not gonna come he’s in Taiwan” - “not like I was interested” - so the evening starts they have snacks and hit chocolate they discuss what they’ve been up to during the break and they play games until the Christmas dinner is preparing. - suddenly someone knocks on the door, Michelle opens it and it’s a man in a Santa costume. - “ho ho ho, children!” The man enters and drops a bag of presents on the ground - “Santa Claus brought you some gifts and could use some reward” Santa stood next to Zahra and wiggled his eyebrows , Zahra snorted and pulled the beard and let go so it snaps his chin. - “Ow!” Santa pulls the hat and the beard off altogether and reveals Craig - “Craig!” Sean exclaims and hugs his best friend “dude, you flew all the way back to here from Taiwan?” - “Sure, bro! spending time with family is cool and all but you guys are my family now too!” - “aww, that’s so sweet , Craig!” Quinn said “Yeah that was a very cliche Christmas thing to say” Jake continued - “anyway, open the gifts, guys!” Craig said - the bag was full of expensive alcohol jewelry and other souvenirs and gifts. - Everyone pulled out some gift and Jake hurriedly picked up a bottle of Whiskey. - “Hell yes, I could really go for some if this right now” - Zahra pulls out a necklace with a polished obsidian and puts it on. - “I got something else for you too” Craig told Zahra and gave her a cute teddy bear that was holding a heart. - “are you serious?” she smirked “press it” she pressed its center and nothing happened she tried pressing at different places and finally pressed the area that could be referred to as the ‘crotch’ of the toy - and it said “I love you” , he was already chuckling and she soon joined him. - “did you change the place of the microphone yourself” he nodded while laughing “wanted to get something funny and unique… just like you” he said. - she rolled her eyes and looked down at the ground to hide her blush - “you know I got something for you too…” she said “what?” -Zahra snapped her fingers and Diego approached, one hand behind his back and the other holding up a mistletoe “I have been at this the whole evening…” he said - Zahra and Craig laughed and Zahra pressed a soft kiss on Craig’s lips. - he kissed her back passionately but she broke the kiss soon - “Merry Christmas” she said. - the dinner was ready and everyone sat around a table to eat the food which was delicious - “this is delicious, Michelle!” Grace said moaning a bit. - “All thanks to Raj’s advice!” She answered patting Raj on the shoulder - after they were done Michelle got very excited. - “okay who’s ready to hang out at the pool” - everyone cheered - “I didn’t bring a swimsuit.” Zahra said “What ? I specifically advised bringing one didn’t you read the invitation?!” Michelle asked and Zahra chuckled nervously. - Meech sighed “I’ll give you one of mine.” - the girls went upstairs to change , Grace wore a mustard colored bikini with a green flower print, MC wore a strapless blue bikini, Estela wore a cyan one-piece Quinn wore a white bikini with a silky small swimming robe over it, Michelle wore a purple bikini with Louis Vuitton logos all over it. - “okay Zahra let’s see what I can give you” Michelle passed Zahra a black one piece with cuts in some places and Zahra almost didn’t complain about it. - “i still don’t understand the need of swimming in a pool during a Christmas party.” - the guys were already in the pool. Besides Aleister who was waiting by the wall for Grace, his eyes lit up when he saw her and she ran up to him. She ran her hands down his abs and whispered something with a seductive look on her face. - Jake noticed MC and smiled, she dived into the pool and swam up to him wrapping her hands around his neck. “Doesn’t this feel nice” he said , she ran her hands threw his hair and kissed him passionately “I’d bring the mistletoe but it would get wet!” Diego shouted from across the pool making the couple laugh. “Hope he’s not going to stay in our room holding up a mistletoe while we–” “shut up, Jake” she rolled her eyes. - Zahra sat on the edge of the pool , her legs in the water. Craig splashed her with some of the water “you’re asking for it” she said but he continued splashing her. She rolled her eyes and ignored him, he pulled her into the water making them both go under the surface , he kissed her while they were underwater and when they returned to the surface they were still kissing, she broke the kiss and they stared at each other before she splashed him “okay, okay fair enough” - Raj brought a water gun and was spraying Diego, Quinn and Estela. - Sean wrapped his arms around Michelle - “what a successful party, right?” Sean said - “wouldn’t happen without your help, big guy” she stroked his cheek and was ready to kiss him “wait wait wait wait wait wait waaait” Diego shouted running up to them with the mistletoe “there, now kiss” -Michelle and Sean laughed and gave each other a quick kiss

The End, where everyone is healed, no one is dying and they’re not on a deadly island, yay

[silver-cats]

What woman actually “wants” to do all of that sexist shit in the name of “modesty”? How much of that is ingrained due to religious hierarchy? So you think women should wear veils? You think that a woman should be more modest to get respect? I don’t care about this liberal “choice” activism bullshit because look how people are treated who decide to take even just the hijab off. This “choice” activism disregards the misogynistic history behind it all and what it all leads to for women.

in muslim majority countries where for the most part women are constantly only shown one type of women one type of dress you could argue that the women of those countries don’t choose to wear the hijab for sure, a woman in iraq (for example) doesn’t ever choose to wear the hijab even if literally speaking said woman may have chosen to wear a hijab and be for the wearing of hijab for the simple reason that a woman in iraq isn’t equally shown women out of hijabs as she is shown women in hijab by Iraqi society her choice will never truly be a choice because of how much socialisation subtly (and not so subtly) points her toward one option but in non muslim societies like the ones in the west like France for example where the hijab is pretty much banned (it can’t be worn in schools and the workplace) and where women are overwhelmingly shown women out of hijab, where sex is not only celebrated but pretty much glamourised and encouraged, where you can see a woman wearing very little clothes grinding on a man in almost every music video that’s on TV, its pretty silly for you to act like wearing the hijab IN A SOCIETY LIKE THAT isn’t a choice. in a society where women are demonised for wearing the hijab, in a society where the hijab is banned, in a society where women are overwhelmingly shown women OUT of hijab yes the hijab is a choice its ironically the opposite that isn’t. I’m probably about to sound radical here but a woman is never freely choosing something if when it comes down to it she’s only really shown one choice, in some countries like a lot in the Middle East that choice she’s not making is wearing the hijab in some countries like France or china or burma (all places where muslims are persecuted to varying degrees) its not wearing it and blanket statements like ‘women literally never ever choose to wear the hijab/the veil’ are unuanced and honestly laughable societies aren’t all identical France and iran are in many ways total opposites (the obvious example that comes to mind here is that one forces the wearing of the hijab and one bans it). I know I’m repeating myself but I truly don’t get your reasoning, to say that a French woman wearing a hijab in a society that has basically made the hijab illegal and that overwhelmingly shows said woman nudity still isn’t making a free choice is just….innacurate. 

TLDR; you need nuance first off. sometimes the hijab is a choice sometimes it isnt but it isnt a black and white issue it isn’t either ‘its always a choice’ or straight up ‘its never a choice’. it sometimes is it sometimes isnt.

Second thing for a lot of women the hijab isnt about respect its about God my grandma doesn’t wear it out of “‘respect’’’ for example she wears it in an attempt to feel closer to God that’s all that’s it. If the hijab was about being respected by men (that’s usually the arguments thrown around by male muslim scholars who sadly have a huge monopoly on islam) then it wouldn’t be prescribed to muslim women even when they are praying alone with no men around or in women only mosques where a muslim women is literally only surrounded by other women. There’s many ways to see the hijab basically and to act like its solely worn in an attempt for a woman to be respected by men (again I assume that’s the argument you’re alluding to since that’s usually the one that’s brought up when someone talk about ‘respect’) is just….meh. you’re completely ignoring female scholars, the voices and individuality of muslim women like my grandma, and the fact the hijab is prescribed even in setting where there are no men around and THUS how flexibly the hijab can be interpreted. I hate to repeat this yet again but you need to have more nuance.

Regarding the bullying of muslim women who take their hijab off that definitely needs to change yes I agree with you but that’s not the experience of every muslim women or how every society operates. Still a valid experience that needs to be addressed don’t get me wrong, but you’re acting like that’s inherently always the experience of everyone as a French muslim I met a lot of muslim women who were more pressured by their family to take their hijabs off to ‘fit in’ than they were to keep it on again you need nuance. STILL AGAIN though a valid experience that bullying needs to be addressed, but its not the only experience out there in many cases (at least in non muslim majority countries) it rarely is. 

And lastly its not because the hijab has been used as a tool of misogyny that’s its inherently only that. I think the problem is that as muslim men we don’t give muslim women enough of a platform or space in the muslim community to talk about their own understanding of the hijab but there is a way around what we as males in many cases have turned the hijab into I think its all about putting the voices of muslim women above ours and fostering an environment where muslim women aren’t bullied for not wanting to wear the hijab anymore that’s pretty much the environment I grew up in and its why honestly I don’t see the hijab as misogynistic. Yes it can be, but again not inherently. I promise it's the last time I'll say this but it's all about having nuance in short.

[stressedoutteenager]

Hi, can a give you a prompt on a cute yousana scene? I love the way you write! Yousef comes back from Turkey and spends lot of time with Sana, one day he talks about the fact that back in Turkey he has got closer to islam again, so now they can be together without problems (idk but they even have their first, cute kiss?). Hope you like this idea xx

Hey :)

Thank you for your prompt and I hope this is similar to what you imagined. Let me know what you think.

——————————————————————————————————-

“Do you wantto hear something I haven’t told anyone else, yet?”, Yousef says andbreaks the comfortable silence between Sana and him.

They got gelato and have been walkingaround for a bit. Since he came back from his vacation in Turkey, during whichthe two of them kept in touch daily, they’ve been closer than ever. 

Sana looks at him with a smile on herface, her ice cream already melting. “Not even Elias?”, she asks to which Yousef laughs and shakes hishead. 

“You know, he’s getting jealous ofhow much time I spend with you.”, Yousef mentions and smirks at her. Sanablushes lightly; they really have been spending a lot of time together and sheloves it.

Sana laughs with a nod: “Heactually glared at me when I told him I’m meeting you!” It was reallyabsurd. But also very funny. “You might need to pay more attention to himagain.”

Yousef laughs and Sana joins him. It’salmost impossible to not laugh when Yousef is laughing.

Yousef nods and eats a little bit of hisice cream: “I’ll keep that in mind.”

They walk by a bench and Yousef nodsinto its direction. Sana immediately understands what he means and they sitdown, barely any space between them. 

“Okay, sorry. I wanted to hear whatyou haven’t told anyone else, yet. Go ahead.”, Sana tries to say casuallybut secretly she is freaking out because he trusts her enough to sharesomething personal with her. The tone of his voice implied that it’s not justsomething cheesy he would sometimes blurt out.

Sana looks at Yousef but his eyes aretrained on his ice cream he stirs around in the little cup. He has a smallsmile on his face but there’s something about the way he doesn’t look up at herfor a while that makes Sana worried. She is not going to push him though. Henever does. She won’t either. 

Finally, he looks up at her. A strand ofhair that’s sticking out under the snapback falls into his eyes and he flickshis head lightly to get it away. Sana’s eyes follow that movement and shesmiles to herself. 

Yousef smiles and leans back and thenturns his body completely towards Sana. His knees touching the side of her leg.Sana’s eyes go towards that small touch but quickly turn to Yousef again.

“Do you remember that picture Isent you of the Hagia Sophia one day before Eid?”

Sana nods. She definitely remembers.It’s not like she reread all the messages they send each other more than once.Her smile widens when she remembers what he wrote her. Yousef sees Sana’s smilegrow and can tell why. Her dimples start showing and his hand itches to cup hercheek but he refrains for now.

“You told me you would take methere one day.”, Sana blurts out with a fond smile playing on her lips.

Yousef nods and chuckles. He observeshow Sana’s cheeks grow red and smiles to himself. How can someone be thispretty? 

“And I will.”, he responds. Hedidn’t just say that. He plans on really doing that one day. Sana lowers herhead and looks intensely at her ice cream. Even the thought of that alone makesher insanely happy.

Yousef takes in a breath and decides tojust start. He needs to talk to someone about this and he is more than surethat Sana is the right person to do that with. 

“You know,”, he starts and himand Sana start grinning at the same time. Usually it’s Sana who starts hersentences like that. 

“The Hagia Sophia was a churchfirst, was turned into a mosque and later became a museum. Now there are talksabout turning it back to a mosque.”, Yousef continues. 

Sana turns her body facing him, too, andnods understanding. She doesn’t know how this would relate to his secret. Witha small interested smile she waits.

Yousef almost forgets what he wants tosay because Sana looks at him with so much interest and he knows that she willlisten carefully to what he has to say.

He tries to form his thoughts into wordsthat make sense. It’s hard talking about this because it’s not something hedoes often. Yousef only ever talked to Sana about his views on religion in thismeasure. To other people he’ll mention that he lost his faith or that he’s not Muslimbut with Sana… with Sana it’s easy to voice doubts and discuss because shedoesn’t judge. She doesn’t give her opinions to change his mind; she gives heropinions to share them with him. Nothing else.

“In Norway..”, Yousef says andconfuses Sana. He just jumped from one continent to another in his story.“.. or any other secular country, it’s easy to forget about your faith..or rather lose focus on it.”

Even though Sana is not sure where he isgoing with that, she nods. She understands what he means and agrees. Yousef looks down at his almost completely melted ice cream and feels relievedto have started this conversation. Now he can’t back down and he really neededto say some of this out loud.

“But those two months I spend inTurkey… In Turkey you’re reminded of religion all the time. It’s a mostly Muslimcountry; there are mosques at every corner and in some cities public calls forprayer.”

Sana listens to him and watched hisfacial expressions. He is very serious about this. She knows that Yousef alwaystakes conversations like this seriously, and she loves that, but the fact thathe starts this conversation without there being something between them thatleads to it is interesting to her. The other times they talked about religionit was because it stood between them being together, or at least it wassomething Sana needed to talk about to come to a decision. And she did. Shedoesn’t mind the hardships they might face, she accepts it because faith isdeeply personal and at the end of the day Yousef shares her values and he hasproven how respectful he is of her faith. Even if he doesn’t see everythinglike she does.

Yousef looks up and into Sana’s eyes.She smiles lightly at him because she can see that he is a little nervous.

“And if you’re not religious atall, or not Muslim, it doesn’t bother you at all. You walk by mosques and seepeople go to listen to an Imam or something and just don’t care. But..”,he stops talking for a moment and Sana can imagine where this is going. Youseflooks at her with some kind of expectation in his eyes but she doesn’t knowwhat exactly it is. She decides to just wait and let him finish his story.

Yousef takes another deep breath andlooks for sign on Sana’s face of how she might react. His eyes wander over allher face and sitting so close to her he can’t stop thinking how beautiful sheis and it’s not just her outer beauty.

“Well, over those weeks with mygrandparents and family in Turkey… I kind of found myself being drawn back tomy faith. I found myself feeling better than I do usually when visiting thosebig mosques and when I heard my grandpa reading the Koran in the other room Igot the feeling of wanting to join him and actually read and understand whatit’s saying. And we visited the small village my grandma is from and seeing howmuch their faith means so much to some people and make them be grateful foreverything they have instead of being bitter about what’s not there… I don’teven know how to phrase it. But after the thing with Even I felt like if therewas a God why would he let something like that happen and I feel like theconfusion about what happened with one of my best friends lead me to believesomething I myself don’t believe completely.”

It feels good to have said all that outloud. No, it feels great. These thoughts have been in his head for too long.Yousef feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest. He doesn’t know whybut he felt like he shouldn’t be saying or even thinking that because he didturn his back to his faith once and for some time he thought there is no goingback.

Sana takes in everything Yousef tellsher. It’s very obvious to her that telling her all this wasn’t very easy forhim but now that he said it he looks somewhat relieved to Sana. But she alsonotices his hand shaking a little and instinctively reaches out to take his hand.They’ve been spending so much time together lately that this doesn’t feelweird. 

Yousef looks at his hand covered bySana’s now and smiles. Then, finally, he can look at her again. He didn’t evennotice that his hand was shaking at first. But it might be because he doesn’tknow what reaction to expect from Sana. He knows she won’t judge but will shebe happy that he is Muslim again or at least on his way there.

When he looks at her, she just shows hima small understanding smile. Sana wonders what she should say next. She has afew thoughts but doesn’t know if those would be what he wants to hear.

Yousef keeps looking at her with anexpression that shows he expects some kind of reaction so Sana finally says:“I’m really happy for you, Yousef. I’m happy that you feel good with allof that." 

Yousef knows Sana enough by now to knowthat that is not all she wants to say.

"Sana, whatever is going throughyour mind, please tell me. You never judge me and I value your opinion on thisa lot so it doesn’t matter if it’s not what you think I want to hear.”

Sana looks unsure but does as hesuggests. She puts her cup with ice cream aside, it’s all melted by now anyway,and sits up straight.

“I don’t want to come acrossdisrespectful.”, she says first and Yousef feels like laughing. Sana anddisrespectful? Doesn’t match in the same sentence. He nods for her to continue.

“But like you said, here it is easyto forget about your faith because you’re not faced with it … In Turkey it’seasy to focus more on it because it’s all around you. I really don’t want toinvalidate what you feel and it’s not my place either, I know. Faith is areally personal thing and I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.I’m sorry.”, Sana starts off very calm and collected but as soon as shesays the first sentence she feels bad about it. Especially because Yousefdoesn’t give an immediate reaction, he just listens to her. 

Sana looks down at her hands, one beingstill in Yousef’s and starts pulling away a little bit but Yousef squeezes herhand lightly and says her name for her to look at him.

“Sana, it’s okay.”, he saysand smiles at her. “Do you know why I wanted to talk to you about this?Because I knew you would give me your unfiltered opinion and you’re notinvalidating what I told you. What you say makes complete sense.”

Sana reluctantly looks up but stillfeels guilty about what she said. Until Yousef continues.

“But the thing is, that feelingdidn’t go away after I arrived back in Oslo. For the first time in forever Ifelt the need to go to Friday prayers and when something bad happened I startedto think there might be a reason why that happened and actually found myselfpraying for it do get better.”, he tells her and a happy smile finds itsway on Yousef’s face. Sana sees this and smiles too. Not only because Yousef issmiling but also because he seems genuinely happy with this development in hislife.

They look into each other’s eyes whileYousef concludes: “And I totally understand what you mean. That was what Ithought at first, too. But nothing changed when I came back.”

When the Hagia Sophia can changebeliefs, maybe Yousef can too. 

Sana breaks out into a big grin and sheexcitedly says: “Yousef, I’m so happy that you’re happy!”

She can’t hold herself back and wrapsher arms around him. He seems genuinely happy and what more can she want?

Yousef hugs her close and can’t wipethat big smile off his face. It feels good to have said it all out loud.

They part from the hug but stay close toeach other. They keep looking into each other’s eyes in silence and for thatmoment that’s all either of them want.

“You know what?”, Yousef says,“Now that I’m finding my way back to my faith there is nothing standingbetween us anymore.”

Yousef expected Sana to be happy aboutthis, to smile her dimple-y smile, but she doesn’t. She frowns. Yousef’s heartstops beating for a second.

Sana has her eyebrows furrowed and looksat Yousef as if she wants to figure something out by just observing his facialexpressions.

“Yousef.”, she finally sayssounding very serious. “I’m not happy for me that you reconnected withyour faith. Or for us. I’m happy for you.”

Now she starts smiling again andYousef’s heart bursts seeing her dimple-y smile again. “I’m happy for you because you seem to be so happy to have reconnectedwith your faith. I wouldn’t want you to change for my sake because that’s nothow it works. And I know you wouldn’t want me to change for you. It doesn’tmatter to me if you find your way back to Islam or not. As long as you arehappy. I accepted that we had our differences in beliefs and that is fine, Iwas and still am ready to work for this to work anyway. And you’ve shown memore than once that you’re willing to do that, too.”

Sana’s heart is beating so fast that shefears that it’s going to burst out of her chest. She is not used to givespeeches like this; it’s Yousef who usually gets emotional like this. But sheneeded to say that.

Yousef just grins at her, not believinghow he managed to have Sana in his life like this. She is beautiful inside andout.

“Can I kiss you?”, he findshimself asking without being able to stop himself.

Sana’s eyes widen instantly and shelooks at him surprised. Yousef closes his eyes and shakes his head. Can he doanything right?

“I didn’t mean like .. I meant..because..”, he rambles on. He thinks he ruined the moment, especiallyafter what Sana said. He points at his own cheek and says: “There.”

Sana starts laughing. She loves howserious they were in one moment and how funny the next one can be. Yousef is soembarrassed about what he blurted out that he can barely look at Sana. But whenhis gaze meets Sana’s, she looks him in the eyes and nods. 

He does a double take and raises hiseyebrows in a questioning manner. Yousef doesn’t want to do anything she is notokay with. But Sana smile and bites her lip and nods once more. 

Yousef didn’t think this far. Actually,he didn’t think at all when he asked her that. They’ve hugged before, heldhands but neither kissed the other on the cheek yet. 

Sana hopes that Yousef can’t hear howfast her heart beats and tries to play it cool. Yousef hopes Sana can’t hearthe zoo playing in his stomach in this very moment.

When Sana turns her head a little Yousefleans closer, slowly, for her to be able to pull away if she feels like it. Butshe doesn’t move. 

She holds her breath and when his lipsfinally land on her cheek she instinctively closes her eyes to savor everysecond as best as she can. At the same time she can feel her face growinghotter and just hopes that Yousef doesn’t notice. But he couldn’t careless. 

When he leans back again, Sana turns tolook at him. They both have stupidly big smiles on their faces and do nothingfor the next moments but smile at each other. 

“Well, I’m really happy rightnow.”, Yousef says.“Good, then I’m also happy.”

[minglewithadingle]

Hey Mo! I've just read your post. Thanks for sharing, I think it's brave! You know I agree with you, I've told you before. And I honestly think you've done the right thing :) We all love the 'community feeling' part of the fandom, humans are gregarious by nature, we want to share and to belong and it'd be awesome if we could get along while agreeing and disagreeing but sadly that's just unrealistic 1/2

For a long time I'd be following blogs where 85% of their content was annoying me because I genuinely felt bad about unfollowing them, like, "but they're one of us!!" and it only made me develop an almost personal dislike for people I didn't even really know and I didn't want to be that person :( Luckily tumblr doesn't have to be like that xmas eve at your grandparents' where you have to sit through dinner next to the obnoxious cousin who won't shut up and will ruin the night for you :) 2/2

Haha, thanks for reading and your kind words! And yeah, sadly you are right. You know, sometimes I am still this naive little girl, who thinks we all just can get along as long as we try to be nice to each other. But yeah, at least on the internet we can choose with whom we want to interact. And it’s probably the healthiest thing to cut off the people, that make you feel bad. >_Oh, but my christmas eve at my grandmothers - it’s also her birthday - it’s actually really nice! I grew up in a very well educated and open-minded family, even though it is really really big and my grandma is very religious, but also so so kind. She got her beliefs, but always puts people before that. You got a different religion than hers? Totally fine, she also will be educated about it, since she is very interested in other world views and in her opinion education is the greatest good we have - for boys and girls alike. You are from a different country? So was her husband back then. You love someone with the same gender? If that person treats you well and loves you, she is fine with it. You don’t want to have any children? That is cool, don’t have any, because children should always be wanted and loved! She was for me the prime example how to treat people well and that your religion is never an excuse to be intolerant and treat others badly. Ah, sorry for rambling about my granny, I am just very proud of her. She is great! I wish everyone got a family like mine. o_o Got their flaws like everyone, but they also do a lot of good things. 

[haramheathen]

Hey I saw your comment on a photo I posted. Curious: what made you leave Islam? I've met many converts but don't know any exmuslims yet. PS: to be clear, i don't care to argue about why Islam is the "best" or put you down, just straight up intrigued by your comment and wanting to learn more. Thanks friend!

Hi, thanks for being kind enough to ask instead of automatically sending hostility which is the usual jazz, I’m happy to share why I left, but it’s not really a simple answer because for me personally there are many reasons why. I get this question a lot so i may as well explain in depth. I’m sorry if this answer get’s really long and I also I hope I do not in any way offend you with my reasons why I’ve left Islam, that’s really not my intention at all. I just want to answer your question. I really don’t want to start any kind of debate or anything. Please let’s keep this civil and informative. Anyway here goes :)

Ever since I was a kid I always felt l like there was nothing after death, so the idea of heaven and hell didn’t really make sense to me. I understood that ‘good’ people go to heaven and ‘bad’ people go to hell or good Muslims who obey Allah go to heaven and people who don’t follow Islam and do haram things go to hell, but the concept of some kind of reward system never really made sense to me because I always felt like you shouldn’t have to follow the ‘right’ religion to go to heaven and that everyone should just try to be decent human beings regardless of whatever outcome in the end after we die. 

My grandad is a Hafiz and was a Islamic teacher when he was younger, he taught me to read Arabic when I was around 5 and taught me surah’s and would teach me to read the Quran. Of course as a kid I never really understood what I was reading, I finished the Quran many times but I was only taught how to read arabic, not actually understand it. I’ve always been an open minded person and even as a kid I attended Christian bible studies in primary school which was an optional thing here in some schools in New Zealand. Even as a kid back then those lessons never really made sense to me so when I was around 10 I chose to stop going to them.

When I was around 12 I got another Islamic studies teacher and she gave me a Quran with Arabic and English translation which was awesome. I could finally find meaning and understand all the prayers and things I was reading in the Quran and the more I started to read the English translations the more things didn’t sit well with me, there was a lot I didn’t agree with personally and just didn’t match my personal values and beliefs. I found a lot of things very conflicting. There were things I read that I found to be quite sexist, violent, hateful towards non Muslims, homophobic ect. I was never comfortable with it and I felt like I couldn’t even talk to anyone about it because I’d immediately get hate and abuse for even questioning it.

 My younger sisters, being young would sometimes ask questions questioning some things in Islam and those questions would always get shut down and they’d be diverted or guilt tripped or warmed about hell. I once sorta just asked question questioning something and I was immediately made to feel guilty about even just asking the question. I felt like I never had an option or my own say on what I was allowed to believe I was born Muslim therefore that’s what I was and that had to be my identity whetheri liked it or not sorta thing but I felt like I should be allowed to make my own mind up. I never felt like that was an option for me and even now that I identify as an ex Muslim or atheist i feel like my family will literally disown me for it and it would be literally detrimental to me and my mental health and I would pretty much end up homeless. I don’t feel that’s right. The things the Quran says about apostates and atheists and non believers really don’t sit well with me at all, they are really hateful and violent and I’m fortunate that I live in New Zealand because I know If I was open about these things in an Islamic country the consequences would be bad. 

My family were pretty strict with Islam, but they never forced me to wear Hijab, they gave me the option but I had to dress very modestly growing up and I would be shamed if you could accidentally see a bra strap or something. I would listen to my muslim friends and family shame people who didn’t dress modestly or showed too much skin, but I felt like it was wrong to do that because that’s their body and their choice. It made me uncomfortable that I always had to put on a scarf or was always being told to cover up around men or when grown men would come over because I felt like grown men or men in general shouldn’t look at me that way or a young girl to begin with. I didn’t like all the emphasis put on purity and virginity, it made me uncomfortable, I felt like there was so much more to a women than her hymen and how non virgin women were spoken about like ruined women. I felt like women should be respected no matter what they wear so I found it so conflicting and it just didn’t sit well with me. Growing up with muslim friends, not all of them wanted to wear Hijab, they were forced to by their parents/families so it’s always bothered me how people say it’s a choice because it’s not. It’s pretty sad to see muslim women say it’s a choice because there are muslim and ex muslim women who are forced to wear Hijab and just imagine how they feel specially when you have muslim women really out there enforcing the fact that it’s a choice. 

I would hear family and other muslims say how people who aren’t dressed modestly or showing too much skin are asking for it and it was messed up. I was later sexual assaulted by a guy I was dating. I couldn’t really tell anyone or talk to my family because I know they would blame me for it. It would be my fault for having a boyfriend so it would be my fault that it happened to me. I kept that a secret for years until I talked about it. I’m never gonna tell them something like that because I know i’ll get blamed for it even though I never asked for that to happen. I never dressed overly provocative, not that it even matters. 

I experienced and witnessed quite a bit of ‘religious abuse’ like once our Islamic teacher showed me and my younger sisters who were like 6 and 10 a picture of a decomposing corpse and she told us that’s what happens when you go to hell and do haram things ect. We were always told what it would be like in hell. I once asked my religious teacher if my best friend would go to heaven even though she’s a really good person but not Muslim, and she told me my friend would go to hell because she doesn’t follow Islam and pretty much tried to give me information to convert her which made me uncomfortable. Along with the stuff I read about non believers in the Quran.. it made me more uncomfortable. 

I grew up with abusive parents, my mum was really abusive, mentally, physically, verbally, mentally and I was always told to obey and respect my mum because heaven is under your mothers feet and mothers are very important in Islam ect. My mum isn’t a good person, but she was pretty religious, she would always wear Hijab and stuff but I felt like she was pretty much hiding behind Islam to convince herself and others she’s a good person when she wasn’t. When I was a kid I would pray to Allah every nightbegging and crying to him to please help me and protect me and save me from all the abuse I was getting but let’s be real, nothing ever happened lol. I was a good kid. I prayed, fasted, read the Quran, was modest. And I was really over the idea of it just being a ‘test’ of my devotion and faith to Allah when It was just years of suffering and abuse and nothing happening. It made me think about all the other bad shit happening in the world and other people suffering. I can’t accept that it’s in god’s will or it’s some life lesson or test or whatever, it doesn’t feel right. 

My grandma always says we suffer now and it will be worth it after you die when you go to heaven but I just found that incredibly sad and made no sense to me. I learnt that you gotta work hard to achieve shit in life, you gotta do things and make changes. That’s how I got out of the abuse myself, I left to go live with other family because my mums abuse was too much. My grandparents have been pretty unwell for a long time and in and out of hospital and a lot of it could have been avoided which really gets to me because instead of addressing things when they happen they ‘leave it in Allah’s hands’ or ‘pray’ instead instead of actively doing things to help themselves. My grandad used to do dua on people a lot and make dua water (prayer water) for unwell people ect.. and I understand and respect that people genuinely believe in that and believe in prayer but sometimes you just gotta do things to help yourself you can’t always rely on Allah and watching people loved ones just suffer because they had been taught their lives to just be submissive and obey Allah and pray instead of actively taking action is pretty hard. 

Something that’s always bothered me is that no ones ever really taken me seriously either, like people don’t really take ex Muslims seriously. Muslims just assume you’re lost, misguided, going through a phase or just want to piss off your family ect lol. That’s really not the case. Like yeah, i’ve had a rough childhood and all but that’s not why I’m an ex Muslim, I’ve done my research and been a practicing Muslim, prayed, fasted, read the quran, helped at the mosque ect. it’s our right and our choice and it’s one we consciously make ourselves not because were stupid or lost or under the influence of shaytaan or something lol. 

That kind of comes to the treatment of ex Muslims. The way ex Muslims are treated is another thing, were basically treated like were stupid, the Muslim community pretty much as no respect or empathy for us because we aren’t Muslim anymore.  People literally get killed, disowned, abused for leaving Islam, being gay/lesbian/transgender/bisexual. I can’t sit here and convince myself that it’s a religion of peace knowing what’s written in the Quran and how ex Muslims and how some Muslim women and lgbt Muslims and ex Muslims are treated. I also always found it ironic how converts are welcomed with open arms into Islam but if someone leaves islam they are treated like trash.

It’s hurtful when Muslims get so mad at even the idea of ex Muslims identifying as ex Muslims. Like we can still culturally be Muslims, sometimes it’s not even a choice like, we still have to fast, pray and wear hijab in order to not be disowned and stuff. They say it’s a choice to leave Islam but is it really? If for a majority of us the only choices are being disowned, homeless, abused, dead? That’s why you have a lot of angry ex Muslims, I’m not justifying the ones that get really riled up and hateful. They are probably mourning the fact they lost their childhood being forced to follow something that was never for them and something like that takes a while to accept and grow from. I think it’s important to listen to ex Muslims because that’s how were going to learn to move forward and learn to treat each other better and actually talk about and address issues. Like let’s be real, there are issues in Islam that effect us, whether you’ve left or not, problems with the treatment of Lgbt Muslims and women such.

 These are important things.I could go on to explain other reasons but I’ve already made this post way too long lol. I just really wanted to open and honest. I hope I didn’t offend you, as I said that wasn’t my intention at all and if you have anymore questions I’m happy to answer them the best I can. Of course this is my personal story sort of thing as to why I left, i’m not speaking for all ex Muslims. I do feel its important to listen to our stories though. Thanks for reading this if you made it this far. Cheers :)

[douchebagbrainwaves]

AND WHEN YOU AGREE THERE'S LESS TO SAY

That's still expensive. What you must not do is rebel. Which means every teenage kid a wants a computer with half a MIPS of processing power that would fit under an airline seat and cost so little that we could save enough to buy one from a summer job. The networks used to be very impressed by airbrushed lettering that looked like shiny metal. Adults have a certain model of how kids are supposed to behave, and it's combined with the emotion Really, it's Apple's fault. The author's main point seems to be as big as possible wants to attract everyone. We need to cut the Standard Graduation Speech down from don't give up on your dreams. The best plan, I think TV companies will increasingly face direct ones.1 And what's your real job supposed to be a universal taboo against sex with prepubescent children.

Most people go through life with bits of packing material adhering to their minds and never know it. Do I really want to support this company? You don't need to be in a rush to choose your life's work. Bad circumstances can break the spirit of a strong-willed person, but I can infer it from the fact that they have a particular ethnic or religious identity is one of their fellow students was on the Algol committee, got conditionals into Algol, whence they spread to most other languages.2 No wonder you become cynical.3 A sharp impact would make them fly apart. It seems to be working on hard problems. Every futon sofa in Cambridge seemed to have done stuff with peanuts.4 Maybe you can be as convinced as you like about your idea, and it was a good deal on it. They'll just remember you as the company with the boneheaded plan for making money, rather than carry a single unnecessary ounce.

When my friends Robert Morris and Trevor Blackwell were in grad school, one of the reasons taste is subjective and wanted to kill it once and for all. A lot of startups with just as promising beginnings end up failing. It's not enough to consider your mind a blank slate. There are other things I might bring if I thought of it. And I agree you shouldn't underestimate your potential.5 And of course there's another kind of thinking, when you're starting something new, that requires complete quiet. If a kid asked who won the World Series in 1982 or what the atomic weight of carbon was, you could presumably get them to switch. If I were talking to a guy four feet tall whose ambition was to play in the NBA, I'd feel pretty stupid saying, you can do this with the confidence parents try to instill in their kids, and some of the fund back to the painting over and over. If there's no such thing as better, it doesn't tell you what to do anymore. That's what I did be satisfied by merely doing well in school.6 But adults ask this mainly as a conversation starter. It's like calling a car a horseless carriage.

The goal is to get out there and do stuff. It's like calling a car a horseless carriage.7 Reward is always proportionate to risk, and very early stage startups is not mainly about funding.8 They think they're trying to convince someone by shouting at them. Just don't wait.9 There is such a thing as good art. A better name would be curiosity.

The conspiracy is so thorough that most kids who discover it do so only by discovering internal contradictions in what they're told.10 The theory is that minor forms of bad behavior encourage worse ones: that a neighborhood with lots of graffiti and broken windows becomes one where robberies occur.11 Over time, the default language, embodied in a succession of popular languages, has gradually evolved toward Lisp. But we all arrive at adulthood with a kind of virtual town square.12 And yet bullshit does have a distinctive character. No matter who you pick, they'll find faces engaging��practically by definition: face recognition is in our DNA. Most people don't really enjoy being mean; they do it because they can't help it. Because Boston investors were so few and so timid, we used to ship Boston batches out for a second Demo Day in Silicon Valley than in Boston, and for the first time should be the ideas expressed there. You also have to discard the idea of her having sex even if there were zero risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

Kids are curious, but the relative importance of determination and talent are not the graphic designers and grandmas who were buying Macs at Apple's low point in the mid 90s, the Mac was in its time the canonical hacker's computer.13 Early stage companies need a lot of time trying to learn how to predict which startups will succeed. This is arguably a permissible tactic. I was ignorant of was how much debris there already was in my head that would explode if combined. Ten weeks later we invite all the investors we know to hear them present what they've built so far.14 They've forgotten most of them, so they had revenue before they had a product. If you want to be CFO of a public company now.15 The author is a self-important dilettante. In retrospect this was stupid. Otherwise it wasn't worth investing in. There are a handful of 8 peanuts, or a shelf of 8 books to choose from, the quantity would definitely seem limited, no matter what.

Notes

One of the deal for the founders. Unless of course it was outlawed in the sense that if colleges want to start a startup. It's a case in the Neolithic period. I predict this practice will gradually disappear though.

Convertible debt can be surprisingly indecisive about acquisitions, and a little worm of its identity.

Steep usage growth predicts x% revenue growth, because neither of the latter.

For similar reasons it might bear stating even more clearly. There are two ways to avoid this problem, but that's what you're doing. Incidentally, the editors think the usual way will prove to us. That's very cheap, 1/10 success rate for startups to die.

If you were still employed in your classes, you can't mess with the bad idea. I think investors currently err too far on the other becomes visible.

I know for sure a social network for x instead of profits—but only because he had more fun than he'd had in high school you're led to believe this number is a sufficiently long time for word of mouth to get something for a slave up to them till they measure their returns. The most striking example I know of this essay, I can't predict which these will be coordinating efforts among partners. I make it a function of their assets; and if it were better to be the technology everyone was going to give up legal protections and rely on cold calls and introductions. So you can describe each strategy in an industrialized country encounters the idea that evolves into Facebook isn't merely a subset of Facebook; the creation of wealth—university students, heirs, rather than by you based on their own, like most of the crown, and spend hours arguing over irrelevant things.

It doesn't happen often. It's not simply a function of the word wealth.

But you're not doing YC mainly for financial reasons, avoid the topic. Travel has the same people the first phases of both consist mostly of unedifying schleps, and their hands.

We couldn't talk meaningfully about revenues without including the numbers from the bottom as they are at selling it to colleagues.

But that was basically useless, but it's also a name. It was only because he had simply passed on an accurate account of ancient traditions.

I became an employer. So it is very common for founders to have done all they demand from art is brand, and those are guaranteed in the time it was true that the only one restaurant left on the parental dole for life in general.

So instead of Windows NT? It's suspiciously neat, but this would work so hard to say that education in the US News list? They'll have a browser and get nothing.

This would add a further level of links.

They have no idea whether this would probably be interrupted every fifteen minutes with little loss of personality for the talk to corp dev people are provoked sufficiently than fragmentation.

The First Two Hundred Years. But you can't, notably ineptitude and bad measurers. You leave it to profitability, you can't do much that they're all that matters here but the nature of the Nerds.

[eportfolionhipham]

This I Have Learned

This I Have Learned—Final Paper Assignment

Autonomy, truth-telling, and confidentiality

I think the important thing I've learned during this class about this topic is that majority of the time, patient autonomy should always be respected. Especially in difficult situations where as a provider you always want to do what you feel is right, it still shouldn’t go against the wishes of a patient. Some of the examples that we learned during this class typically dealt with patients refusing treatment things of that sort. I think it’s completely understandable to want to extend someone's life with all of our efforts, however, to keep our patients comfortable and feel like they are still in control of their healthcare, it’s important to respect their wishes. Through this class I’ve learned that there’s many things that we should factor in when deciding care for someone but at the end of it all, once all routes have been exhausted, it’s important to follow the patients wishes.

Research ethics and informed consent

When going over this topic during our course, I initially was all for animal testing as well as always getting informed consent from the study participants. However after reading everyone’s thoughts and insights I find that one I still strongly believe in informed consents. However, with the topic of animal testing I’ve become more doubtful about it. I think a lot of the things I read made a lot of sense. I agree that Animal testing can be a huge benefit in helping us find cures but how many animals will suffer and die and for how long before we find a cure? I learned that I believe in animal testing to an extent. I think animals should have protection as well and there definitely should be a game plan to minimize the amount of damage to animal testing. After this course, I realize that it’s not so black and white with animal testing and there should be precautions put in placed so we obtain the most benefits with minimum suffering on the animals part.

Genetic control

This topic is still very difficult to comprehend for me, because at the end of the day, I still don’t have a definitive stance for either being against it or not. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t learn anything, but more so because I learned more that made it even more difficult for me to have a strong stance on the matter. At one hand I think that someone wanting to genetically engineer it so that their children are no longer sick, seems to be something that it worth doing. However, on the other hand I think it’s something that could go wrong very quickly. With any science, there’s always risks because we do not fully understand yet how to utilize it. Even procedures that we have seemed to master, have a tendency to go wrong. This is because every patient is different and will have different results. So who do we hold accountable when something goes wrong? Should we stop the science completely? I also think that because of the adversity in our life, we become stronger. We are more cautious of what we eat, how we live, and how we act because we know it affects our kids, or our future kids. For example, I’ve never done drugs because I don’t want something to go wrong with me epigenetics, and then pass that on to my kid. So if I never had to worry about not having a healthy baby, how do we guarantee that we won’t be better people and still strive to be the best versions of ourselves.

Reproductive control

For this particular topic, I’m still very stern on my thoughts about it. I think women should have every right to dictate what they do to their bodies. If this means they want birth control, than so be it. I don’t think anyone should get to decide this for an individual besides themselves. I also think this extends to men. I have read articles about how husbands have lost their wives because they made the decision to get a vasectomy. I think the only reason the husband did wrong in this scenario is not be honest, but as far as not wanting a child and taking measures to prevent one, I think he had every right. Women take birth control and that’s fine, men should also have the right to do what they need to in order to prevent what they don’t want. I think there’s this misconception that these kinds of decision involve more than one person, but at the end of the day it doesn’t. It really only matters what the specific individual wants to do with their body.

Abortion

This one is tricky for me because there are so many different scenarios why someone would want to get an abortion. I think there’s a stigma against this subject because when people think of abortion they only think about an “irresponsible but capable” woman wants to erase her mistake. But after what I’ve learned from this class, this isn’t always the case. Cases where the baby will be born with a severe illness? Or cases where someone was traumatically raped? Or situations where a CHILD is raped. I think this topic is not black and white and there should be laws to protect a woman’s right no matter the reason. We don’t have a right to judge and I think at the end of the day the patient will know what’s best for them and how to proceed.

Treating or terminating impaired infants

This one was hard because initially I thought it’d be something on the lines of the provider wanting to keep the child alive but the parents didn’t want to see their child suffer. However, after this class I realized that a lot of the times it’s the reverse. Parents deeply want to hold on to their children for as long as they can and the providers don’t always agree with the prolonging of suffering for the child. It’s really hard in these cases because healthcare is no doubt, expensive. And if the insurance company says that it’s not worth it to keep a baby alive and prolong suffering, as a provider how would you tell the parents this. I thought about this a lot and my only definitive opinion about this is that as a provider or parent, obtaining every bit of information about the baby’s condition is crucial. I think it’s important to see all sides of the situation and all routes possible to be able to make the best decision that both parties will feel comfortable making and not regretful afterwards. Because as a parent, I want to know for sure there was nothing else I could have done and not live the rest of my life wondering if I made the right decision. That’s the definition of continuous suffering.

Euthanasia and physician-assisted suicide

This was by far my favorite part of the class because I think I got slapped in the face with your knowledge. Yes, I read ALL of your ten dollar insight in to the subject. I can tell you’re very passionate about it. After having my own opinions on the matter and writing my responses to the assignment I did a comparison of my thoughts to yours and I realized through this assignment that there were holes in my logic. For me I always thought that religion and other things should not play a factor in someone choosing this route. I felt like the patient should have the right to choose PAS and that was that. Then, after reading your paper I was completely taken aback by  something you said “do we care so little about others that we’d just sit back and tell them to do what they want”. You’re completely right. I think my opinion on it was that they’re the ones suffering not me. I would allow them to have PAS because honestly, why would I stop them if I don’t feel their pain. However, I think I’d be a better provider if I took the time to understand the pain and the severity of the act. I was a little disappointed in myself that I didn’t even consider may be finding other sources of pain control or pointing out that we could do more research on the illness. Every patient is different and if my answer was to take more time to understand every individuals problems we could probably find a more specific solution to each one that may not always be PAS. Now, with that being said I’m not against PAS at all, I think in some cases, it’s fair for someone to want that. However, after this class, I think it’s worthwhile to look in to all routes first and then make the decision.

Organ transplants, scarce medical resources

The one thing I learned about organ transplants and “robbing” from the dead is really, how much we really could rob from the dead. I think a lot of the people that are pro organ donation, don’t truly understand how much could be taken. And sure, for some this may not change their decision however, for others it might. For example when I found out that they could take my legs and hands, I was shocked. I’m not against giving my legs, however I like to think about my family in this matter. During my funeral or even after I’m dead, I know for a fact my mom will want to dress me in the morgue. This is a religious thing. In the buddhist religion we believe in catering to the dead ourselves. When my mom lived in Vietnam, the hospital would release the body to the family after death and essentially, the house became the morgue. Not even kidding, my grandma was “taken cared of” in our house. Her body laid in the living room until the funeral. So with that mentioned, I don’t want my mom or other family members to see my body without arms and legs. The thought of that breaks my heart. I wouldn’t mind donating them, but I don’t want to leave that memory for my family. I honestly, don’t even want to think about donating my face and having my mom see me afterwards. So with that, I think the idea of conscription is great for saving lives, but it really should be limited to life saving organs or at least organs the person is willing to donate. Giving someone a kidney or a heart is definitely life saving, whereas giving an arm or leg may not be. That’s just my opinion. I’m not well versed in all things medicine to say that a leg couldn’t save someone’s life.

Distributing health care

My parents were refugees from Vietnam after the terrible Vietnam war that left my family in rambles. When they came here, they came with nothing. We worked hard to be where we are today, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t accept help. I feel like my thoughts on this have stayed the same because of my personal experience. When I was younger my brother always got sick, he was just a very weak kid. We had to go to the doctors all the time and my mom worked countless hours of OT in order to pay for the medication and clinics. We were often in and out of the ER, and we all know that’s expensive. However, because of my moms hard work AND the help of government assistance, we made it through. Flash forward to the present, I was able to go to college with the little money my mom saved. I worked two jobs while going to school to continue paying for college, and after I graduated I didn’t have any debt. Now, I have a stable job and am currently given the privilege of applying to grad school in hopes of being a physician assistant. Once I graduate I’m definitely giving back to the clinics and programs that helped me become who I am today. I fully intend to volunteer my services in underserved communities and hopefully, make a difference for someone that is in a bad place like my family used to be. And if I can help them get out of that bad place by providing healthcare to the best of my abilities, than I’m grateful. Now this story isn’t about me and how I want to give back, this story is about being a good samaritan and providing basic healthcare for those who need it. My mom wasn’t getting plastic surgery to look better or anything like that, she was utilizing government assistance to raise me. And now, because someone out there during that time gave me something when I had nothing, I intend to pay it forward. This is the lesson that should be learned with distributing healthcare. It’s doesn’t take a lot to provide basic healthcare for those trying to work hard for a better life. I truly believe it only seems like we don’t have the resources. But we do, we just aren’t willing to give it to someone else.

Women and medicine

In this topic, we talked a lot about whether or not parents should be held accountable for their actions if they harm the fetus prebirth. I took two different sides to this because I don’t think it’s all black and white. A lot would say definitely that the parents should be held accountable but I worked in a forensics lab. I’ve seen cases where a teenage girl was rape by her uncle and had abusive parents. She tried to self abort and harm the fetus because she knew her parents would brutally hurt her if they found out she was pregnant, despite the circumstances of how she got pregnant. In cases like this, I don’t believe it’s okay to punish the parent. I think informing her and educating her would be better. I would also give her help instead of punishing her further. However, in cases where the parents are completely aware of the consequences of drinking, smoking, etc. when pregnant, and they are consenting adults that chose the baby, than yes, they should be held accountable. The fetus will be a human one day, and they will have to live with that prebirth damage, so they should have some laws protecting them. However I’d really try to push the educational part of this. I think parents should be more educated. This helps prevent more incidences. This is under my assumption that the parents aren’t truly trying to cause harm, they just don’t fully understand the consequences and harm of their actions.

Health care for minorities

I think for this topic, it’s similar to the “distributing health” topic. So I’m sorry if I sound redundant. But I believe minorities should obtain healthcare. To take it a step further, I think there should be laws, and more efforts to provide minorities with healthcare they can understand. Often times, the main problem for minorities is that there is a huge language barrier and it becomes tasking for the provider to give proper care. In these cases, I really feel like the provider should be tasked with finding the means to properly explain the situation to minority patients. This may seem unfair for a provider, but I honestly don’t believe so. A provider is not only someone who gives healthcare, BUT is also an educator. This isn’t stated in the job title, but this truly is the case. As a provider you must also be an educator. You must be able to explain to your patients and make sure they understand their condition. This goes for minority patients too, especially if there's a cultural or language barrier. The provider should take initiatives to research and find resources to better “teach” their patient.

Those with AIDS/HIV

With this topic, considering that it was given towards the end of the semester, I don’t have too different of a opinion change. As you’ve probably read above, I’m a strong believer that a provider is also an educator. I think some steps we can do to prevent the spread of HIV is not by punishing those who have it, or scare off those who suspect they have it, but instead teaching the overall public about it. There’s a lot more that can be done by teaching about it and having more people being comfortable to come forward for treatment and preventative care, than to punish people. It just feels really wrong to punish someone for being ill. This is just me but, I think being that sick is truly punishment enough.

Write a paragraph about the overall impact this class has had on you:

Personally, I really enjoyed this class. I think this class taught me that I’m really not as “grown” as I thought I was. I aspire to be a PA and I always fancied myself as someone very ethical and knowledgeable about the healthcare field. After this class, I’m definitely mistaken. There’s still a lot I could learn and grow from. Also, I recently had interviews for PA school and I think taking this class really helped me be more of a well rounded candidate with more to offer as well as better prepare me for difficult ethical questions given during the interview process. Fingers crossed I get it in. If not, I’m really considering taking this class in person for the whole experience and to learn more about the healthcare system and ethical problems.

[nihilcr]

I just want to say a big thank you to the people who messaged me about the passing of Jahseh. Those people will know how much I loved him and know what im going through now. I cant really say much other then Rest in Peace Jahseh Dwayne Onfroy you and your music kept me going through everything and anything and I greatly appreciate it. I made this collage to pay respect for everything you achieved and gave to everyone at such a young age. I love you. I woke up late this morning feeling like there was a dark cloud over me and there definitely is. Thank you to everyone who messaged me today it really means a lot. Ill leave you all with my level 3 English Speech on X and how he inspired me and also my auto biography in which I intertwined his lyrics from the song 'Lets pretend were numb'. There is alot to read. I dont expect you to read it all but if you are feeling the way im feeling it may help. If any of you are ever down about anything and struggling mentally please message me. I will try and help. I love you all. SPEECH: Intro: Why is some of my music depressing? Because when the lights are off, all the moneys gone,and the club scene is no more, I want you to be able to find comfort in me behind closed doors, when it all matters the most. - X Jahseh Dwayne Onfroy or as some of you may know him XXXTENTACION (pronounced X-X-X-tent-asi-ohn) or simply as X, was born on 23 January 1998. X grew up in Pompano Beach Florida but was thrown around the area because of his behaviour issues. At age 6, he plunged a glass shard into a man whom he believed was threatening his mother. He also got expelled in middle school for punting the mouth of a kid who had made fun of his mother. According to his own description, he was living the life of a "young savage" -- correctional houses, grandma's house, robbing houses. He built up a formidable list of offenses including : armed robbery, armed burglary, possession of a firearm, resisting arrest, three charges of grand theft and oxycodone possession. He was thrown in prison on October the 8th 2016 for supposedly beating his girlfriend at the time. During his imprisonment his music career popped off without any new releases or music videos. People started stumbling along his music on Soundcloud and supporting him, he was released from jail on March the 26th 2017. X, over the past couple years as gain some meaningful tattoos scattered across his body including Cleopatra along his chest which is his mother's name. The word “alone” tattooed above his left eyebrow. The word “numb” tattooed under his right eye. “Bad Vibes” tattooed on either eyelid. A broken heart under his left eye. An elephant on the front of his neck/throat area representing the whole idea of “an elephant in the room”, which is a metaphorical idiom for an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss. All these tattoos mean something close and personal to not only him but myself, but one sticks out in particular. Under the word numb is a tattoo of three dots in a line. These three dots or ellipsis represent life. X says that each dot stands for 1 - Born 2 - Peak 3 - Death. I tend to relate to this tattoo more and feel as if the other tattoos all come under this belief that you are born, you have a peak in your life and then you die. “When you have that genuine love for someone and they are your source of happiness. They become your drug” Born. X was born caring. Despite his size being 168cm tall and weighing around 60kg X does not shy away from violence. But I believe that his acts of violence are acts of caring. Stabbing his mother's partner because he felt he was abusing her is an act of caring. Kicking another student at school was because of the mentioning of his mother in a negative way. X defends himself and his family until he stops breathing. X cares for himself, his fans and his family not only physically but mentally. While in prison he was interviewed over the phone and was asked “What are you trying to do when you get out?”. He said he wants to invest in a teenage therapy where every teenager that is happy talks to another teenager that is struggling and depressed. This is because he believes it's really hard for most kids to be motivated to talk to a therapist because they can't relate to them as much. He also wants to donate PS4’s and TV’s to foster homes in his area and gather up as much money as he can to give back to the community in which he was raised. He even started filling the fridges of the less fortunate in Florida but sadly stopped the ordeal about a week into it as a group of people robbed him of his items and said he was doing it for attention and that he didn't care for the community. X cares for the kids and feels that's why many of them gravitate to his music. He has talked to certain fans that were depressed and looking for answers. He has also responded to some direct messages from kids on the borderline of suicide and has talked them out of it. X understands how it feels to be mentally alone and quotes “You can be in a room with a million people and still be alone”. He realises that some kids have families that just dont understand theres something going on in their head bigger than everything that's around them, he understand that feeling and how that feeling can drive you to the edge. X quotes “Even if my material is vulgar or i'm seen as a bad person, as long as these kids are happy and i'm giving them something to rage to instead of being depressed, that's all that matters to me”. The impact of X being caring relates to me a lot. When in primary school I knocked a kid out with a stick after he said something about my mother, and we were regarded as friends. As i've got older i've been told by counsellors I have anger issues and my anger does release sometimes but I have controlled it. I care for my family and friends over anything. Not only do I care for friends and family physically but I am told by my peers I am a caring person mentally and verbally. I enjoy making people happy, making people laugh and enjoy helping people out when they are down. I've had a lot of people come running to me for advice the past few years and some people keep coming back for guidance and for a certain comfort that other people can't give them. I am yet to truly discover why. Why do people come to me? I am definitely not the happiest chap in the world and I struggle with mental issues that circle my life on a daily basis. If my friends and family are happy then i'm happy and i've realised their happiness fuels me to keep going. X has made me realise that to be caring is a gift and you should cherish your friends and family. He also has made me realise I do need to take time out for myself and care for myself and my own issues. I feel he has realised this aswell because he is suffering from depression to this day but is still willing to help people through their own issues and not as much his own. “Be a blessing and then disappear, so you don't have to watch it all crumble in front of you” Peak. X being in prison was a peak in his life, it may not be a positive peak but the realisation he got from being imprisoned has made X look at life differently. He was asked “While you've been locked up recently, what have you been thinking about?”. X quoted “I found the answer to life”. He believes life is but a perception. He thinks the way you perceive things is very important, life is but brainpower, life revolves around your brain, life is purely the brain and your thought process. Your conscious and subconscious mind rule the world X has made me learn that nothing else matters. Nothing else matters except what you desire and what your dreams are. X believes the whole purpose of humanity is to create and the problem is that everybody reaches a certain point of enlightenment or succession and it upsets the balance, the balance being the people around that individual. You can have a squad of friends and a certain character can become overly successful introducing jealousy between friends. If you have a friend that treats you differently and more harsh because of your succession and your hard work they aren't your friend, they aren't the people you want to be around, they will do anything to bring you down. I respect my friends decisions and their beliefs even if I don't agree with it, I still support them and help in any way I can. Some of my friends have made stupid decisions and i've cleaned their mess up hoping that they'd do the same for me. X said being in prison has made him want to become a better person and that prison changed his world. X wants to give all of his fans and this generation information they’re not supposed to receive or opinions that some people don't want to hear because they don't agree with it. He quotes “I dont mean to disrespect anybody, but religion is for the small-minded.” I again don't mean to disrespect anybody but I agree with this statement. All religions believe in higher powers. Both X and myself believe if you're going to be a good person, be a good person. If you're going to be a bad person, be a bad person. It doesn't matter. Nobody's opinion should matter. Nothing matters. Anything you put on this plant will stay here. If life is infinite and there's the slightest possibility that you have to come back to this miserable fucking planet, Id stop putting all this horrible fucking shit out here and make sure you live your life happy. X and I believe that happiness is all that matters. If it makes you happy, it's all that matters, and you will struggle and struggle and struggle but happiness will flower in the end. X quotes “I will help everyone find happiness or I will at least help everyone find an answer and a purpose”. X’s beliefs have impacted me greatly, i'm not religious and feel religion is something I could never see myself falling to. I respect peoples beliefs, some of my closest friends are religious but in my opinion I don't feel as if I will ever sought out guidance from someone that isn't proven to be real. I seek guidance through my friends and family, through music, through art, through happiness. I believe whatever makes you a happier person is all you need to worry about and all you need to focus on. Whether it's video games, sport, music, anything. I believe people need to stop judging, stop throwing comments at others because I feel they won't ever recycle. Judgement is just a part of this harsh reality we live in today. But it's up to us to look at life in a way that makes us happy, in a way that no matter how much you get judged for it you can carry on and be proud of yourself. Anything that takes me away from joy and happiness, I hate. Anything or anyone that makes me feel worthless, makes me look endlessly into the mirror at myself and contemplate killing myself, I have no respect or love for. They are to me simply a piece of dirt sitting on my shoulders waiting to be wiped away so I can play on. “When I turned 13, I blew out my candles, my wish was to be dead at the age of 18” Death. Nowadays depression has become a characteristic of many people on this earth. X has been depressed and packed with anger since he was a child but is still plagued with both to this day. X said he was a weird kid and was alone a lot of the time even when he was at home. He was asked “You’ve dealt with a lot of anger and depression in your life. Where do you feel like that stuff comes from?”. X answered “Being alone”. X’s mother went through a lot while raising him. She did everything she could do and as he has grown he has looked back on everything he's said and feels she deserved a lot more credit. X didn't have his dad around, it was just his mother. His father was in prison at the time and I assume he still is, X has nothing to do with his father and doesn't mention him at all. Because of his behaviour issues he was thrown around the Florida area. He lived not only with his mother for a time but stayed at his grandmothers, aunties and even his mother's friends houses. He felt alone. Being placed away from people he had any attachment to is what made him the way he is now. X believes being alone breeds a different kind of madness and a different kind of pain. He believes not receiving a certain amount of love can also break a person, especially a child growing up without love and support. But because of his beliefs he has realised and looked in on depression and used it to his advantage. His lyrics are based off his depression and anger, if any of you have actually listened to a range of his music you can tell a difference between a depressing song and a song based on anger. He puts all his pain, insanity and dark thoughts into his music because he feels its therapeutic. He felt as if sharing his thoughts was bad but good at the same time because it made him feel better and happier. He realised people fed on his music so was motivated to keep making music not only for himself but his fans as he saw it was giving people energy and healing them and he cherished it. His tattoos have a lot to do with his depression, the broken heart and the words “numb” and “alone” all represent emotion and feelings he is stuck with to this day and what he is basing his lyrics off. Making music helps him release his feelings, it makes not only him happier but his fans and this is proven by a post I found on his tumblr. A fan said “This isn't actually a question but I wanted to thank you for your music, it saved my life, thank you.” X replied “and I wanna thank you for listening, you give me a reason to stay alive, if it wasn't for you guys I would've killed myself a long time ago.” His reply hits me quite hard as I can relate to it because there are people in this room right now that don't realise they are the ones that are keeping me going. There are some friends that stand out from others. There are some friends that don't realise how much I actually appreciate their company, their voice, their laugh the list goes on. There are some friends that aren't actually friends. There are some friends that are more than friends they are family. Nowadays i'm learning to identify my true friends and getting rid of the people who linger around me for my possessions. I fill my mind everyday with a quote from Trent Shelton “If all you had to offer was friendship who would you still be able to call your friend?” I started offering people nothing but my company and have quickly realised how many people were using me, those people have turned into a piece of dirt just like the judgemental people have. Alongside his reply helping me discover my true friends, his music has impacted my life quite strongly. His lyrics and beliefs inspire me to write for example my autobiography had his lyrics throughout it. My photography writing and the photos themselves now speak to me because of his lyrics. The mood of my writing is strongly based on his songs and his feelings. His music inspires me to care even more, they inspire me to believe and perceive life differently. His music although it's depressing takes my mind into a deep dark space, it makes me truly think about if I were to kill myself, how would the people around me feel. It makes me realise how I felt when my brother killed himself, it makes me realise how my friends felt when Harman killed himself. It makes me realise how serious suicide and depression is. Conclusion: X has made me realise that what is real will prosper. His music has taken me into pools of darkness on a daily basis and no matter how badly I want to kill myself, his music stops me in my tracks. His perception on life creeps into my mind and I realise killing myself wouldn't be an act of caring, it wouldn't make my friends happy. It would slowly burrow into their hearts and fill their souls with corruption. My friends will end up the way X feels. The way I feel. Numb. Alone. Broken. They'll forever be the elephant in the room. Anima vestra - free your soul- AUTOBIOGRAPHY: Numb I advise you to not hide your feelings. Don’t pretend to be okay when you’re not okay. Don’t pretend to be happy when you’re sad. It’ll only lead to your misery. I dream so much and i just can't seem to find an answer for what i'm living for in general. Everyday I seem to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Everyday I stumble down the hallway to locate the shower. Everyday I sit - trapped, dazed, lost - in migraine, drowning myself in hot water that hits my pasty skin as if it were acid rain. Everyday I curl up in a glass box and contemplate crying, contradicting what people have told me “It will get better just give it time”. “You’ll be fine, you’ll push through”. “Someone out there loves you for who you are” I can't keep living like this, it's breaking my heart day by day. Everyday I lather myself in clothing representing a place I hate, and i say to myself, “How is this going to get better.” Four years. Four counsellors. Four lives lost. “I don’t want to talk to you, you can’t help me, i'm not algood.” Everyday I think, why am I like this? Why am I so depressed? Why am I so angry? Why am I so negative, so overwhelmed with a cloud that is slowly hovering over my life, slowly killing off positivity as if it were a pest. Why I ask? Well all I can nail it down to is 17213. But is it truly the answer? I mean who's to say you find an answer when there isn’t? 17213 are probably just numbers to you; the 17th of the 2nd 2013 aren't just any numbers to me, they are the numbers symbolising the day my brother decided to end it all. Chase Robson - loving, honourable, committed - was a father, a son, a grandson, a brother, a soul that was forever changing for the best, changing for his son, changing for his family, changing for himself. I was unsuspecting of the literally breaking news that was to be heard. What if you just die? Wondering why I was slouched in a hunk of metal on wheels, dad sat uncomfortably as if something was stuck to the end of his tongue. Regretfully, my father voiced a collection of words. I didn't know they would deprive me of positivity and create a continuous loop of death and darkness. “Chase has committed suicide.” I, awakened by the news, had then truly discovered what suicide was - dark, destructive, unexpecting - what it can be and what it can do. Destroy. What if life as we know it is all a dream? The car's window that day seemed to be the cleanest it had ever been. I was able to pierce right through it, through the calm gathered clouds resting in the sky. I was able to envision hope in the sky, a sense of life after death, something I never believed or contemplated until then. What if we live for no reason? My mind - deserted, abandoned, lost - searched for answers. It searched amongst the sky and its infinite crowd of clouds to discover nothing but the vision of the sky’s hue, that darkened, caved in as the sun hid behind the pimples of our earth. It threw a ribbon of fire that seemed to slash my eyes causing them to close forcing me to see and feel the internal darkness that had been brought upon me. What if we just disappear when we die? I had felt like my life was not special anymore, like it wasn't worth living. I discovered that one type of drug can kill you. One type of firearm. One type of knot. One type of idea can end it all. I was filled with the idea “If he did it, so can I”. Should I cling to life? Or should I just kill myself? I now feel - four years on - lost and numb. I have accepted the harshness of reality and let it take over my life. I have become the kid who doesn't care anymore. The kid who takes the piss out of himself so no one else bothers to. The kid who is positive and social. The kid who has a lot of potential but doesn't realise it. The kid who drinks - nearly every day - to forget, but always remembers. So many contradictions, contemplation. I don't care about myself. I care too much for others, for the people around me. I enjoy helping people. Doing things for people. Buying things for people. The problem is that it fills my mind with the idea that people use me. I shove people aside and hate them for using me and despise them for not giving anything back. I throw them away and realise that they are what I need because seeing them smile is what keeps me going, it makes me feel worthy. And now here I am trying to save the world, when I can't even save myself. It's getting harder and harder to mask my pain. I come to discover that I have lost. Lost hope. Lost positivity. I have lost the race that everyone is competing in. Constant laps of death. Everyday i'm alive adds to my slow unpreventable death. I can't decide whether I want to keep running or just fall. I have enough money to be happy, but having all the money in the world doesn't make you happy. You can't buy true friends, true love or true life. The world will know money can't stop a suicidal weakness. I feel i'll forever be the elephant in the room. I can't tell if I wanna live or if I wanna die. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn't the problem. It isn't the reason for the way I am. It is because everyday I seem to wake up. Please save me.