#might snooze till 11 maybe.....

[balmungkriemhild]

this is a few months old but whatevs. here we got Damoi Velour, a circus ringleader whose shows involve torturing humans with extremely brutal methods and feeding on the anguish of her victims <3

[veeaxx]

— EXAMS ★ their s/o pushes themself to study for the upcoming exams, but it might be getting out of hand.

note: this is a no overworking zone, rest if you need rest!! m.list is here characters: various haikyuu boys x reader

— SUGAWARA KOSHI

⋆ seeing as suga does tutor the first years sometimes, this isn't something new to him.

⋆ in fact, this is quite the common sight. he sees the first/second years stress over their exams all the time.

⋆ yet, he does get overall concerned for them.

⋆ if i know one thing, exams are important but YOU definitely come first!

⋆ what if they get too stressed and pass out? what if they prioritize studies over their own well-being?

⋆ suga's mom instincts kicking in: 🏃💨

⋆ so when he sees you studying for the exams yourself, he can't help but think how determined you are.

⋆ his cute, adorable s/o set on one goal, passing the exams..he finds it cute.

⋆ he does joke about it quite a bit. poking your cheek from time to time all while he softly coos at you. "determined, aren't we? hehe."

⋆ he does understand your concentration though, he will leave you be to avoid distracting you of course!

⋆ he doesn't think much of it at first, studying is a normal sight, obviously. it's even more normal with you, because you two have study dates all the time.

⋆ still cautious about you stressing yourself though. he'll brush it off in the meantime, but he won't forget.

⋆ a few hours pass by. he's gone to volleyball practice, done a few school-works, etc. he can't wait to relax.

⋆ he hums softly before taking out his phone to check the time, it nearly being evening.

⋆ slowly opening the classroom door "time to go home sugar,” he says softly.

⋆ his eyes widen in slight surprise as he sees you there, multiple empty cans of energy drinks, cluttered papers, and notes around your desk.

⋆ your eyes snapping open from time to time as you try to avoid snoozing off.

⋆ as cute as it may sound, he's genuinely concerned. like 😥

⋆ he walks over to you, slowly tapping your shoulder as your eyes flinch open. you rub your eyes before looking up, seeing the concerned smile of your boyfriend.

⋆ "oh, hey suga.." he chuckles quietly. "you look exhausted, sugar. maybe you should rest."

⋆ you whine, "but i need to stud—" he softly shushes you, helping you get up from your chair. "baby, exams are still in a few days. yet here you are worrying your pretty little head." he says.

⋆ "take a break, love. we can get some snacks before we go home, okay?" suga hand in marriage now 💳💥💥💥💳💥💥

⋆ there's no over-studying when suga's around.

⋆ baby would literally pamper you till all the stress goes away!

⋆ no doubt has beef with the subjects you're studying for, like how dare you make my bby stress out 😤

⋆ very good boyfriend, 11/10!

— DAICHI SAWAMURA

⋆ he also knows how it feels, studying for a complicated exam.

⋆ not that daichi has bad grades, but because he also sees his underclassmen having quite a hard time.

⋆ he's also fairly concerned, not only because you're his partner, but because he cares about you. he can't forgive himself if something happens to you :((

⋆ although, seeing you study does motivate him to as well.

⋆ his baby's so determined to pass the examinations..how cute!

⋆ that doesn't stop him from trying to prevent anything from happening to you though.

⋆ "hey, make sure to take a break, alright?" he murmurs, rubbing your shoulders gently. "yes i will, daichi, love." you reply, smiling.

⋆ will leave you alone if you ask him to! he doesn't want to distract anyone here. he might as well attend volleyball practice—and come back for you later.

⋆ and so, he does. as soon as he finishes practice, he sends you a text saying he'll walk you home.

⋆ however, his message remains unseen despite being sent. which is quite odd, as you always would reply immediately.

⋆ "maybe they're busy.." is what he thinks.

⋆ but when he opens the door, oh boy, he's in for a surprise.

⋆ his s/o, knocked out on the desk, nearly snoring. papers and a few notebooks clattered around.

⋆ his eyes are wide, because this is exactly what he had thought of happening. walking over to you, he tucks a strand of your hair behind your ear, sighing in concern.

⋆ "i thought i told you to rest, sweetheart.." he mumbles quietly, not wanting to wake you up.

⋆ as if on cue, you slowly open your eyes before locking contact with your boyfriend. "oh, hi daichi..what time is it?" you ask, rubbing your eyes.

⋆ he sighs once again, ruffling your hair. "enough studying, baby. you better rest." he replies.

⋆ if you try saying no, it's quite useless. he'll keep saying no to over-studying again.

⋆ will get you anything to make sure you feel better and less-stressed.

⋆ he'll ask the teacher to excuse you if needed.

⋆ once you finally get the rest you need (most likely a nap), he'll be the happiest person alive.

⋆ "sleep well, babe." he mutters as he kisses your forehead.

— TSUKISHIMA KEI

⋆ quite annoyed how you insist you're fine, yet you're clearly tired.

⋆ "tch..stop insisting you're alright, idiot." bakugo vibes frfr 🫡

⋆ but if you really insist, then sure, he'll leave you be.

⋆ he's really concerned though, trust me.

⋆ he just won't show it much because he's being tsukki.

⋆ tsukishima is no doubt smart, which earns him loads of people asking for help on studying.

⋆ with his sour demeanor however, he turns them down as yamaguchi apologizes on his behalf. or he'll snicker with tsukki, lol

⋆ but if you ask, oh, that's a different story. he'll oblige on one condition, buy him some strawberry shortcake.

⋆ anywhooo—while studying, he keeps an eye on you, especially if he can see you're tired.

⋆ if he needs to go to practice, he'll politely ask one of your classmates (or his, if you're both in the same class) to watch over you until he comes back.

⋆ tsukki being kind since when?!! 🫢

⋆ "hey, watch over y/n for me. leave them and you're dead, got it?" nvm he's still rude as ever 🫠

⋆ also sends you a text as soon as he finishes, but if there's no reply he's sour and worried af lol

⋆ imagine, he opens the door calmly, and sees you passed out.

⋆ if the classmate assigned to watch you was still there, he'll actually be kind and thank them all while quietly ushering them out.

⋆ once he's alone with you, he'll sigh softly before sitting down to you.

⋆ "i thought i told you to rest, stupid." he says before taking another look at your sleeping face.

⋆ you looking all pretty sleeping brings a slight tinge of red to his cheeks. kissing your forehead, his blush only turns redder, oh you'd be teasing him all the time if you were awake.

⋆ when you do wake up, he'll be back to his normal self.

⋆ no excuses, you're taking a break from studying. no ifs and no buts either!

⋆ what'll the teacher say? don't worry, he's taken care of that. hungry? he's got your favorite snacks at the ready. cuddles? sure, just this once.

⋆ ask and you'll receive ;)

⋆ will always accompany you to study after that.

⋆ he's really the the sweetest boyfriend, but just for you.

⋆ and by the way, when he kissed you—you weren't even sleeping 🤫

— SATORI TENDOU

⋆ this goofy lil mf !!!

⋆ will tease you on purpose to mess with you, and he gets you everytime.

⋆ i mean, since you're studying he might as well tag along and study too.

⋆ can't leave his precious baby studying alone, can he?

⋆ while it may seem like tendou does not take anything seriously, he knows when someone may have pushed boundaries a lil too far.

⋆ in this case, you pushing your own boundaries by overworking yourself to study.

⋆ satori's pretty smart, in and out of volleyball. don't think you can fool him that easily, dear 😞

⋆ "oh y/n my love~~ don't overwork yourself too much!" "awe.. you're such a sweetie, tendou." "only for you, my sunshine~!" 🥹💕

⋆ he literally needs to go to practice but is still clinging onto you like a koala.

⋆ if you do happen to convince him to attend practice, he will be thinking about you the whole time. he might even mess up a bit because he already misses you that much.

⋆ "oi, tendou! get your head out of the clouds and play well!" semi shouts from the other side of the court, earning a teasing broken-hearted look from the middle blocker. "ouch, semisemi's so harsh!"

⋆ when on the way back after practice, he can't help but have quite the happy mood.

⋆ yknow, you guys could ask each other questions to review, or take down notes together, or—

⋆ his thoughts come to a halt when he sees his lover, in their desk with a look of pure exhaustion on their face. "oh, you're back, babe." you say, before yawning.

⋆ "could you wait just a lil bit more? i gotta tackle this last part—" you mumble, before closing your mouth in your boyfriend's presence.

⋆ "enough studying, baby! look at you, so stressed out and tired." he continues, "how could you do this to yourself?!" your eyes widen in slight surprise as your boyfriend exaggerated nearly every detail of your actions, it's actually quite cute seeing him ramble.

⋆ "t-tendou, i'm fine, baby." you reply, holding his face softly. "you're so cute when you're worried."

⋆ a blush makes it's way onto tendou's face. "i know you think you're fine, y/n-chan. but the way i see it, you're tired, my love." he continues, "rest, sunshine! it'll refresh you a lot, promise."

⋆ tendou touching our hearts fr 💘

⋆ long story short, he's very mindful about studying now. he's gotta be there with you!

⋆ also, he will always let you take breaks if needed! tendou's got snacks, cuddles and anything you'd like at the ready~

⋆ "take good care of yourself, my love!" he exclaims before kissing you, making you giggle.

⋆ "yes, tendou, my love. i won't forget this time." you reply, holding his hand.

⋆ oh man, he really loves you.

— KENMA KOZUME

⋆ kenma himself is quite smart. some may think he only prioritizes video games—but in reality, studies are something he maintains.

⋆ and besides, to complete some of his games, you're required to solve puzzles to move onto a level !!

⋆ so technically, he never lacked smarts in the first place.

⋆ kenma also hates being burnt out, and due to that, he usually requires a study partner to be able to check on him.

⋆ back then, it would always be kuroo—and it remained the same, until he started studying with you.

⋆ i am not implying he replaced rooster head btw 😢

⋆ and throughout time, he started to notice how you'd stay up quite late just to study.

⋆ on one point, staying up late is something he does all the time. but he's aware it could have negative health benefits.

⋆ and so, he'd try his absolute best to remind you that you should take breaks once in awhile.

⋆ "rest, babe." he whispered. "hm? what was that, kenma?" you say, turning your head to face him. "i said you should rest, i don't like seeing you tired.." he replied, blushing softly.

⋆ you always give him the same "i will!" which makes him think you're lying.

⋆ he does trust you, but do you really think he believes that 🤨

⋆ anywho, he does understand that you need to study, so he'll leave you be.

⋆ is lowkey the type to send someone to spy on you/j

⋆ i mean, he'll see you after anyway, not much of a big deal.

⋆ atleast, that's what he thinks. but the moment he sees you again, oh boy..

⋆ it's as if a tornado came and wrecked everything.

⋆ i'm exaggerating ofc, but yk what i mean 👍

⋆ letting out a soft sigh, he walks over to your cluttered desk, crouching to be able to see your exhausted expression.

⋆ "hey, kenma...what's up?" you ask, straightening your form as you look at your partner lovingly, albeit visibly tired.

⋆ "you look tired, bunny." he mutters, being careful not to raise his voice too much to avoid making you surprised.

⋆ "haha..yeah, math's taking a toll on me, hun." you reply, yawning while stretching your arms in the air.

⋆ "i promise, i'm almost done, maybe 5 more minutes?" you continue, looking at the clock on the wall, which makes kenma look at you in disbelief.

⋆ he softly grabs your hand, blushing a bit due to embarrassment. "kenma?" you ask, "is something wrong?" you ask. "bunny, don't overwork yourself. you look exhausted, let's take a break." he replies, rubbing your hand softly.

⋆ surprised at the little gesture of affection, your eyes widen, as if it's the first day you saw kenma. such a sweetheart.

⋆ giving up the act, you smile and nod. "sure, let's take a break, love." which in return, makes him smile as you stood up from your chair.

⋆ if the message wasn't already clear, you're not sneaking off to study, that's a nono!!

⋆ if you need anything, kenma will literally go out of his way to get it for you (that is, if it is obtainable in the first place).

⋆ most importantly, if you just want to rest with him, he'll oblige to that too!

⋆ he's really just concerned, so don't get him worried again, or else he might as well drag you to play a game with him on his psp, heheh.

⋆ "you did well, y/n. i'm proud of you." he mumbles, stroking your hair.

⋆ boyfriend material !!!!

HAIKYUU TAGLIST: @millenialfanfictionaddiction, @queen-aria-things

© ALL RIGHTS BELONG TO @VEEAXX, DO NOT COPY, TRANSLATE, OR REPOST MY WORK.

[the-algebra-thing]

I have been keeping my schedule at least a little bit normal for the past few months like waking up before 11 and going to bed before 3. just because I know it's gonna have to be normal eventually and I thought maybe if I get better at this middle ground I can ease myself into it. long as fuck post about how it works when I sleep ahead because I'm pissed off about it fair warning.

now fun fact it takes me at least half an hour to wake up. I cannot even drag myself out of bed till I've snoozed my alarm for at least 10 minutes and then once I've woken up to that laid in bed psyching myself up for 10-20 minutes. I need at least 8 hours and it takes so much to drag my ass out of sleep. waking up feeling "well rested* might as well be a myth; I don't really wake up without being overwhelmed with how my body wants to go back to sleep. the earlier I wake up the worse it is—on days when I have to wake up at 8 to babysit I have to TEAR myself out of bed, and my stomach hurts like a motherfucker once I do get up, almost invariably.

on the flip side I can fall asleep easy at any time, but it takes longer before 2, and even longer before midnight, and also if I go to sleep before midnight I will wake up in at most 4 hours and then again and again and again during the night and struggle to get back to sleep. sometimes when I go to sleep at 9pm to wake up for my job in the morning, I get those 4 hours, and then wake up for good at 1am with absolutely no chance of getting back to sleep no matter how hard I try.

last night I went to bed at 4am bc I decided last minute instead of going to bed to get flynn to cut my hair (it is finally buzzed now I'm so happy LOLLL) and then take a shower first. did all that, fell asleep easy as hell since it was after 2. I set an alarm for noon this morning so I didn't have to worry about checking the time to see if I had under- or overslept when I woke up in the morning to roll over. when I did, the alarm hadn't gone off— turned out it was 15 minutes before it was supposed to, and I laid there for like 5 of those minutes before I even checked trying to go back to sleep, but my body literally didn't need to. i just woke right up. if id had a reason to I could've rolled out of my bed 5-10 minutes before my alarm feeling rested and awake as fuck, a feeling that doesn't really happen to me for hours when I wake up at 8. my mom had even called my phone, right next to my pillow, two hours earlier, and I don't remember it waking me up at ALL bro I was OUT.

in conclusion I had no idea the magnitude of the difference when I do it the way my body wants me to and also Why do my biorhythms hate me thus

[lys-lilac]

The Realization of Importance

Part (2/3)

This was in my drafts for so long... So I thought not to let the cliffhanger stay for more time.

A/N: This is to say that all the characters and the main story line belong to Voltage Inc. Only the fictional story is a work of mine, as well the fictional characters, Hana, Touma and Akari. Also this story is based on dream event, because I had this as a dream many days ago. It might be a little different from the usual genre, a little more angsty, so this little girl wants to know your honest opinions about the work. Be honest and do let me know what you think. But, if it feels a little bit dreamy or weird, you can discontinue reading from here.

Part 1 II Part 3

                                                  Part (2/3)

Okay, now that I have cried so much and wiped away my tears, it's time to figure out things. How this all happened, or maybe I am still snoozing.

MC: But first, I need to find somewhere to live for now...

I can't probably return to my apartment, because the other me might be living there. Even if I go there, I will feel awkwardness surrounding me. So, I decide to take shelter in Asuka's home for tonight.

[Asuka’s Home] 

{A/N: This is not shown in the MS, so I just added a fictional place}

A surprised Asuka greets me at the door.

Asuka: MC?

MC: Hey Asuka, if it's not troublesome, can I stay here for the night?

Asuka: Of course, come in.

Relieved that Asuka didn't doubt me, I put the slippers on and sit on the sofa in the living room.

Asuka: Color me surprised though, what brings you here, and today itself?

MC: Hmm? Can't I visit your home and stay over like we did in university days? I was just hit with nostalgia and-

Asuka: That's not the case. Didn't you tell me during lunch that you and Dr. Kasumi are going home together for the first time in two weeks of exhaustive work?

MC: ...

Now that I think about it, I arrived here in the evening, so it might be possible that I didn't know about the schedule beforehand. For now, I have to find an excuse to convince her.

MC: Err... yeah! Kasumi had some post-OP scheduled with new interns, so he told me to leave early, but due to the weather...

Wiping my hair and damp clothes with a towel, Asuka nods her head as if she understood what I meant.

Asuka: Poor girl... You could just have given a call, so that I could have rushed there.

MC: Asukaa!! You are literally my paradis-

Asuka: But, that would have caused Dr. Kasumi to blame me for stealing his girl.

MC: Wha?

With her light banter, we both break out into a laughter. She is really a savior to me, even though she doesn’t know the situation now.

Getting into a pair of PJs that Asuka gave me, I lie down on the sofa. Events of the day start reeling in my mind. Now’s the time to figure out what exactly happened. Is it just a dream? But it’s too realistic... Or what if I am thrown to another world, just like what happens in mangas?

A little bit confused, I open up to do list on my cell phone to check the schedule, but the next sight leaves me agape.

MC: I am a new resident in cardiovascular surgery starting from tomorrow?! 

And my name is not MC, it’s... Hana? Well, it’s better this way, as anyone will not get confused anymore. After all, I am someone who is not meant to be here...

MC: Gahh! I will think about it tomorrow, otherwise who knows what will happen to my brain... I might as well get an ischemic stroke in this situation.

Putting a lid to my thoughts, I doze off to sleep.

{A/N: From here, actual MC is Hana, and the other MC is just MC. I just came with a random name for the MC.}

~

Sekai: MC, you will be all fine... Don’t worry...

Hana: Aww Sekai, thank you... You really are my- wait what? Why are you addressing me as MC?

With a shock, I sit up. 

Hana: Just a dream, huh... Guess I better hurry up.

With a short yawn, I prepare for the day.

[Morning: Dean’s Office]

Matsunaga: ...and therefore you will be assigned in the cardiovascular surgery starting from today.

Hana: ...

Matsunaga: Hana?

Hana: ! Ye-yes! I completely understand. It is a pleasure to be working with you all.

I bow deeply.

Matsunaga: Though I have to say, you really look like Dr. MC. Are you sure that you are not her long lost twin sister?

Hana: It’s a pure coincidence, haha. But I have a way to recognize both of us!

Matsunaga: Oh?

Hana: Yes. Look at this!

I show him the pearl beaded hair pin in my hair. I bought it when I went to the zoo with Kasumi. But, he might not remember this too.

Matsunaga: That’s a great way. You are really a smart girl!

Smiling on the approval, I bow once again, and leave the office to my work.

On my way to Cardiovascular medicine department, I decide to take a turn towards the EICU. After all the act I put there, I should at least apologize properly. It doesn’t matter if Kasumi doesn’t remember me now. Even though it hurts me to change my behavior towards him, just like strangers for now, I can never let the boy who suffered so much to lose his smile once again. Now, only my job matters!

[Seimei University Hospital EICU]

As expected, everyone is there for the morning briefing, including the other me. I take a deep breath and knock on the door, making all of their gazes turn towards me. The confusion would have all been over now.

Hana: Good morning, everyone. I am here to apologize for the mess I created here yesterday. I am sure I had hit my head somewhere yesterday that I-

Takado: Can I tell you a copycat? You are exactly the same as this one over here, talking without stopping...

Hana: ...

They didn’t blame me for yesterday. I guess that’s good for now.

Hosho: I am now starting to believe that miracles are true.

Hana: Wha?

Hosho: Yes. I have never in my life met people with such exact features. It’s interesting but confusing at the same time.

Hana: Oh, about that, I have a solution! Look at the hair-pin tucked here. You will recognize me. And it’s not like I will work in the EICU. I have been assigned to the Cardiovascular Surgery from today. So I will rarely visit here.

Kasumi: Oh.

What makes him say that... Well, I can’t think of that myself. Maybe his curiosity is piqued, that’s all.

Kyogoku: Drop by the Pediatrics if you need any help.

MC: We would appreciate your help in the ER too.

Ok, now what? WHAT THE WHAT?! The legendary bodyguard is lending me a hand if I get in any trouble? And the other me... she is like 100 times more sweeter than me. No wonder Kasumi deserves a better one like her, not someone like me who behaves like a child till now.

Ekuni: And, if you run out of snacks, I can recommend you some.

Why are they all so sweet? Keeping my fast beating heart to myself, I mutter a small ‘thanks’, bow once again and leave the EICU. But, I feel a gaze looking at me from behind. Maybe I am hallucinating...

[Seimei University Hospital Cardiovascular Medicine Department]

After some greetings in the Cardiovascular Surgery Dept., I get to work at once. Apparently due my good grades here too, I am immediately handed a case of a surgery. 

The patient is 11 year old, who is admitted today morning, has tetralogy of Fallot. This disease is generally congenital, which causes cyanosis, that is, bluish skin and oxygen-poor blood to flow out of the heart and to the rest of the body. If treatment is not done soon, it may become more severe.

Without any other delay, I head to the cabin where Touma is. Oh yes, Touma is the patient whose case I have been handed now.

[Seimei University Hospital Private Cabin]

When I enter the cabin, I see a gloom Touma sitting on the bed with his mother, Akari.

Hana: Good morning, Akari, Touma.

Akari: Good morning, Dr. Hana.

Even though she smiles, I can see her face washed with sadness. It’s okay, after handing so many cases with Kasumi, I have stabilized myself enough to deal with my anxiety. I reach out to her, and with my hand on her back, I look towards Touma, who is also a little bit scared.

Hana: How are you, Touma?

Touma: I- I am fine.

Hana: I know you came here way early in the morning. How about we go and get a drink for ourselves to cheer you up?

A little happy, he nods.

Touma’s treatment is starting from today afternoon, so luckily, saline and other devices have not been put on him for now. Means, he is free to move.

Holding his frail hand, I lead him to the refreshment zone.

[Refreshment zone]

I grab myself a can of coffee and give a bottle of orange juice to him.

Hana: So, what is Touma’s favorite activity? Hana is curious.

Touma: I like gardening, and going sightseeing.

Hana: Oh? You know how to plant flowers?

Touma: Yeah! Not only that, I know how to plant vegetables and fruits too! You know Hana, I harvested a lot of fruits, like strawberries, grapes last year that we had my friends and mama’s friends to finish it up.

Seeing Touma’s eyes sparkling, confiding in me and trusting me by calling my first name, I couldn’t help but smile.

Hana: Wow! You are really talented, little one! What about sightseeing? What places do you like? 

Touma: I like Hokkaido. The weather there is so beautiful! But... I know I couldn’t do that after the surgery.

The little sun who was brimming just now with happiness, looks like the flame of a flickering candle.

I hold his hand and say.

Hana: I know you can do it. With me here, you can share anything you want. You are strong to handle every problem that comes to you. I can get that from your passion of gardening. Even if a storm comes, you can do anything to protect your little space, right? I want that confidence of yours in you too. 

Touma goes silent. I see his face, surprised, and a little... flushed?

Touma: I brought some dandelions for you, Hana. I thought they could be my thank you gift to you for listening to me.

Hana: Thank you. That’s so sweet of you.

Oh my god. How sweet and mature he is! I was not even half of it during my teenage.

Touma: But, I have a favor to ask.

Hana: Sure, as long as it’s in my reach, I can do it for you.

Touma: After I recover, can you visit with me somewhere?

Hana: Where to?

Touma: I want to show you my garden.

Hana: Oh, sure. I would love to!

The happiness that left his face comes back.

Touma: It’s a date, then!

Hana: ...

What did I hear now? A. DATE. What?! But sighing, I put away the awkward thought and my lips curve upwards.

Touma: Although... Who is that guy behind you?

Surprised that I didn’t notice anyone, I turn backwards and see...

Hana: ?!!

~

This got a bit long, so I broke it further into two parts. Last part is on the last phase of editing. I will try to post it by tomorrow. Who do you think stands behind Hana? What will happen next?

Stay tuned.

[159potterhead]

Oh! I'm just dumb. I woke up today and I didn't saw any post from you so I went through your blog and their were a few post so I scrolled like crazy to get down and then it started showing posts frm 2 days ago and I thought maybe my ask got lost again. I think I might have scrolled past this one and assumed wrong.

Sorry for late reply bestie :DD To wrap up within few words my day is just me complaining and wanting to go to sleep. I wake up early for classes and stuff and I log in Tumblr ao3 and good docs while sitting in class then if I get time I try to continue that fic but I just lack motivation all I do is stare at the screen. Then we have a little break and the same thing continues till 5 pm. Then rest of my day goes with watching tv while doing file work and assignment and me complaining again. We have this presentation thing in afternoon where students have to prepare different topics so at night I prepare notes and make a ppt and complain more. I know I've said this before but I really want to go to sleep last few days were tiring by the time I go to bed it gets around 2:00-2:30 and then in morning I've to wake up early. I want to watch spn again from the start and I'm putting it off from a long time coz I feel bad for my eyes already. I've to sit in front of the screen a lot and my eyes are like give us a break. And I take a break and read a fic so my eyes are like are you freaking kidding us? Do you wear glasses coz I do and I think I need to go for a check up🤔🤔

I hope your days are better how does your day goes?

oh no you’re not dumb, I just post a lot💀 so it makes sense that you don’t see it. plus tumblr doesn’t let you know that someone answered your anonymous ask so there’s that. follow this tag, maybe they’ll let you know when I answer?

dw bestiee;) I feel you on an emotional level there buddy. yk idk if this is healthy or not lol but I find complaining therapeutic, like if I complain enough then it won’t piss me off as much anymore. woah wifey you need to get some rest, do you find it hard to fall asleep or do you not have time to fall asleep? I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT BREAK TO READ FICS, MY EYES DO THAT TOO😭 hmm maybe you do🤔 and oo my gf wears glasses;) also no I don’t wear glasses but I think I might someday with all this screen time thanks to everything closing. speaking of everything closing, how’s the whole covid situation over there?

aha thanks. well my schedule changes a lot but recently it’s been consistent for a couple months. so i’ve got classes that start at 11, and I always go to sleep with the hopes that I wake up early and have a productive morning. but of course I end up leaving my 10am alarm, and when it rings I snooze and stay in bed until I realize it’s 10:30 now and jump out of bed and get ready. by get ready I mean wash my face and brush my teeth and check tumblr💀 I spend like an hour trying to think of what to have for breakfast, by then it becomes brunch. after I’m done with my classes I either stay and do some work or make lunch, something light usually. then I do some more work and finish off whatever essays I have postponed handing in. after sunset, I’d make some tea and watch a movie or two. I’ve been trying to log as many films as I can on letterboxd lately. and i’d read for an hour or so, sometimes write. then come midnight I realize that I haven’t studied, so the panic of procrastination kicks in and I attempt to do my most in two hours. works like a charm everytime. I sleep and the cycle continues.

🎶if I could be with you tonight, I would sing you to sleep, never let them take the light behind your eyes🎶💕

[kayteewritessteve]

If Only You Knew - 12/19

Description: You arrive home one day to find a wedding invite for two of your best friends from high school. You knew this day was going to come eventually, but even with that said, you weren’t prepared to return home. At least not after 7 years of avoiding Buckhannon, West Virginia. Or rather, avoiding him; your ex-best friend and the secret love of your life. But maybe it was finally time to face your past, to face him, and everything else that happened on that horrible night. Who would have knew that your prom would end up being a total disaster, and the very last night you’d spend in Buckhannon for the next 7 years? you certainly didn’t. That’s for sure.

Catch up HERE.

Word Count: 3,170 ish.

Pairing: Modern!Steve Rogers x Reader.

Rating: 18+

Warnings: Violence. Drinking. Bad and offensive jokes. Possible triggering thoughts, feelings and emotions. Moments of bullying and harsh name calling. Lots of curse words. And a very sloooow burn.

A/N: I sadly don’t own any of these characters. And no beta reader, so I do proudly own all the errors and this story, so there’s that.

July 2018 - Present.

“Where are the girls today?” Steve asked as he flopped down between Bucky and Sam on the couch, handing them each one of the beers he’d just gone to grab. Then he leaned forward and handed a beer to Clint, who was spread out across the love seat. The three guys murmuring their thanks as they accepted the beverages.

“Dress fitting,” Bucky mumbled, clearly zoned out on the baseball game he had playing on the TV, the game was between the NY Yankees and the Cleveland Indians. The Yankees being the four guys favourite team for years. And normally Steve would have been just as zoned out on the game as the others, had it not been for his mind being totally preoccupied by other things—Those ‘other things’ being Y/N.

The lake day had been wonderful, the more time he spent with Y/N, the more his mind reminded him just how much he’d missed her. How much of a hole she’d left behind in his life when she took off. Not just his life, but also his heart. He was taking baby steps with her, because he was so afraid that if he pushed too hard, or too fast, she might bolt again. And that was not an option now. He couldn’t live without her again, that much he knew. And so he had to tread lightly, had to ease back in slowly. He was going to keep her in his life this time, there was no other way around it.

“Ah, gotcha. And the rehearsal dinner is tonight?”

“Yup,” Bucky nodded and then Steve went quiet, not wanting to interrupt the game anymore then he already had.

After a few moments the game went to a commercial break, so both Sam and Clint got up to use the bathroom and grab more snacks. Once they were out of the room, Steve instantly felt his best friends eyes on him, and turned to see just that. Except it wasn’t just knowing eyes he was met with, his best friend was also sporting a shit eating grin to go along with them. “You two were pretty cuddly yesterday at the lake,” Bucky said while wiggling his eyebrows and bringing the beer to his lips.

Steve rolled his eyes, “it’s not like that, Barnes.”

“It should be,” Bucky laughed then shook his head, “it could be,” he corrected.

“I’m fine with just friends for now. 7 years is a long fucking time,” he paused to take a sip of his beer. “I don’t want to go any longer without her in my life.”

“7 years is a long time,” Bucky agreed. “How you feeling about all this?” He gestured around the room then dropped his hands and clarified, “I mean, like having her back again?”

Steve thought about it for a second then responded truthfully, “it’s surreal. I knew I missed her over the years, but tried not to think about it too much. It wasn’t till she was back in my life that it actually hit me just how much I’d missed her. And just how much I don’t want to lose her again.” He took another sip of his beer and shrugged, “but that’s probably why they say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. Or whatever.”

“I don’t think she is going anywhere this time. I think we’re stuck with her for life,” Bucky chuckled then took another sip of his beer, as Sam and Clint re-entered the room and both sat back down in their spots. Before Steve could respond the commercial break ended and the game started to play again, but he still couldn’t focus on it.

Before the 7 years there was only one other time he’d had to go without her in his life. Well, since he’d met her that is. And that was over the summer between grade 11 and 12.

He had thought those two months were hard, if only he could have told his younger self to suck it the fuck up. Because those 2 months would be nothing in comparison to the 7 years that was coming his way. That just 10 short months from that summer he’d lose his best friend, and the love of his life, in the blink of an eye…

September 2010 - 8 years ago.

Steve’s alarm went off, and where he’d normally hit snooze at least once, this morning was totally different. He was up and out of bed before he’d even had a chance to turn the alarm off. He quickly shut it off then went to jump in the shower, even though that was the last thing he’d wanted to do. Every one of his morning rituals or steps had now become a burden, all of them getting in his way, and preventing him from the one morning ritual he wanted to get to the most. Which was getting to Y/N’s house to pick her up and drive her to school.

The last 2 months had been miserable without her, the only thing getting him through was her messages and phone calls. He’d never spent that much time on his phone before in his entire life. But he just couldn’t put it down. Howard had started to get kinda pissed off with him, as he wasn’t very present on their adventures, and would groan and bitch if he’d find himself in a no signal zone. He knew his phone bill was going to be ridiculously expensive, but he’d happily pay whatever cost he had to, to be able to keep in constant contact with her.

Tony and Peter had teased him relentlessly for being ‘wiped’ or a ‘lovesick puppy’, and even worse was the fact he was like this for a girl he wasn’t even dating—A fact Tony made sure to point out, often. But Steve honestly didn’t give two shits what his brothers said, he missed Y/N and he’d gladly take the ridicule if it meant he could talk to her daily.

They had planned to be home 2 days before school started, as was normally what they’d do. But Howard’s negotiations hadn’t gone to plan, and they ended up having to stay a little longer then expected so he could finalize everything. That was not a happy moment for Steve, here he figured he’d get 2 full days with her before school started, but now they’d be arriving in late the night before classes started, and even though all he wanted to do was head straight to her house, he was exhausted and knew he needed some semblance of sleep before his first day of school.

So here he was, waking up extra early for the day so he could get ready, pick up breakfast for himself and Y/N, then drive her to school. It wasn’t 2 days worth of hanging out together, but he’d take what he could get. He was finally all ready to go and ran downstairs to head out to his jeep, yelling goodbye at his parents as he did. Not really paying attention to what they were yelling in return, his mind was on autopilot and he was desperate to get to his destination.

He picked up breakfast from Huddle House and then made a mad dash towards her place. After what felt like the longest drive ever, he pulled up to the curb outside her house, put the jeep in park and got out to head up to the door. But before he even made it halfway there, the front door swung open with a bang and she came barreling out. Jumping down the stairs and making a mad dash for him, he spread his arms out to catch her incoming leap. He’d figured this was going to happen, so luckily he’d left the food in the car so that his hands would be free and empty.

“Stevie!” She squealed as she propelled herself at him, he caught her by the waist and spun her around in her front lawn. “Oh my god! I missed you!” She giggled as she squeezed him tightly around his neck.

“I missed you too,” he said as he tightened his grip on her and slowed down the spinning to plant her feet back on the ground.

“Welcome home,” she mumbled into his chest, as her arms came down to wrap about his waist, refusing to break the hug just yet. But he didn’t mind one bit as he didn’t want it to end just yet either. He laughed then leaned down to kiss the top of her head, which had sort of become one of their ‘things’. You know, those little moments or gestures that two friends only do with each other. Yeah, those ‘things’.

“Thank you,” he said into her hair, then took a deep breath, inhaling the scent he had missed so much over these past 2 months. The scent that was just her. Entirely. “I got you breakfast,” he mumbled and smirked, knowing full well what those words would do to her.

Her head snapped back, but her arms stayed wrapped around him. “Really?!” She asked excitedly then she bounced in place a little, causing his body to jiggle from her movements. “Whatcha get me? Whatcha get me?” She questioned and her tone made him instantly picture a small child being excited to learn what their parents had brought them home.

He laughed, “your favourite.”

“Have I told you yet today how amazing you are?!” She said in a sing song voice. Food was always the way to her heart, he’d figured that out pretty early on.

“No. Not even once,” he pouted, “I was actually starting to forget.”

She gasped loudly, “well we can’t have that!” She shook her head, “because no joke, you are seriously so amazing.”

“Thanks,” he laughed again.

“Okay, all this breakfast talk is making me super hungry,” she laughed then released him from the hug.

And he instantly wanted to pull her back in, already missing having her in his arms even if it was just for a hug. And even if she didn’t notice, he was acutely aware of just how well she fit against him. He’d noticed that right away, ever since the first time they’d ever hugged, it had always felt like she was just made to mould perfectly into him. Like two halves of a whole coming together, and fitting just right. Or like those weird friendship necklaces girls always wore, the heart ones where each friend had half the heart and when put together they made up the whole heart. Yeah, like that. That was them.

“Me too,” he nodded and she put up one finger to signal she needed a minute, then she spun around, ran back up to her house, and disappeared into it. Only to reemerge shortly after as she closed the door and locked it, returning to him with her school backpack now flung over her shoulder. “Okay, all set,” she said as she smiled up at him.

“No,” he shook his head as he reached out and took her backpack, slinging it over his shoulder now, then offering her his free hand. “Now we’re all set,” he smiled and she rolled her eyes but took his offered hand.

“Some things never change,” she mumbled and he nodded, agreeing with her, then walked her to the car. Opening the door for her once they got to it then closing it again and walking around the hood of the jeep so he could climb in himself.

He reached back and put her bag in the backseat before grabbing the food and handing it to her. Knowing she’d want to eat on the drive to school. Now normally, he didn’t let anyone eat in his jeep, but she was the one exception. Mainly because it was her, but also because she was always careful not to spill or leave her garbage behind, and she’d always ask if it was okay before hand. So she got a free pass, every time.

He heard the sound of the brown bag opening. “Oh gosh,” she sighed happily, “this smells divine.”

He glanced over to see the giant dopey smile on her face before he turned back to the road and smirked. “You say that every time.”

“That’s because it smells divine every time, Steve,” she scoffed, acting as if he didn’t know this already. Then she giggled, “that should be their motto.” She put a hand up as if to show the words up in lights as she spoke, “Smell Divine. Every Time.”

She burst out laughing at herself and he just stifled his laugh and shook his head, “you’re so weird.”

“And don’t I know it,” she smirked then gestured to the bag, “is it okay if?”

He glanced over at her again, though he already knew what she was asking, “I wouldn’t have handed it to you if it wasn’t.”

She nodded then pulled out the to go container and dug for a fork at the bottom of the bag. Finding it after a moment and holding it up in front of herself proudly. Like she had just found the greatest long lost treasure in the world, “there you are!” Then she placed the bag down at her feet and popped open the container, “oh god, it looks even better then it smelled.”

“You also always say that,” he pointed out.

“Shhh!” She hissed and pointed her fork at him, threateningly. “Don’t ruin this beautiful moment between me and my breakfast!”

“Okay, okay. Shit,” he put one hand up in surrender then laughed.

She nodded her approval of his surrender then happily dug into her food, each bite prompting some variation of an ‘mmm’ or an ‘ooo’ from her. Clearly she was enjoying her breakfast, as per usual.

The rest of the drive they just chatted about the summer and what they were most excited about for the upcoming school year. Falling right back into step with each other like no time had passed at all. Steve had worried things might be strange between them at first, or that maybe they had shifted apart over the 2 months he was away. But after spending the morning drive with her he quickly kicked those worries out of his head. Nothing had changed between them, at all.

They hung out as much as they could during the school day, when they weren’t in class. At the end of the day Steve drove her home, and they spent a few hours just sitting in his jeep, outside her house, talking. That is till they both reluctantly had to part ways for dinner. Though he promised he’d be back once her dad went to bed. And he kept that promise, when he climbed in her window later that evening. This would be one of those nights that he passed out on her floor, unwilling to leave her that night. Not after only just getting her back.

The next morning was also one of the times her father caught him passed out on the floor, both of them completely forgetting to set earlier alarms to avoid her dad finding out. After her father had shown him out he headed home to change, then went right back to her place to pick her up for their drive to school. Receiving a head shake and a slight smirk from Y/N’s dad when he opened the door to find Steve standing on the other side, only 30 minutes after he’d walked him out. But this was just how things were between Steve and Y/N, they were almost always together. It was the way they both liked it. And how they both always thought it would stay.

If only they knew what was coming. If only they could have had a heads up about what was in store. Then maybe things could have been different. Maybe things could have turned out different.

July 2018 - Present.

Steve came out of this reverie just as the baseball game was ending. Being brought back to the present by the guys hoots and hollers of victory. He took a quick glance at the TV to see that the Yankees had won the game 7 - 4. He quickly threw a fist up in triumphant excitement, even though he hadn’t been totally present for the game, they were still his team and their win still meant something to him.

“That was a great game,” Bucky nodded beside him.

“It was a fucking amazing game,” Sam corrected as a giant smile broke out on his face.

“Gardner and Judge really brought it home,” Clint said as he pumped his fists in the air.

Bucky turned to Steve and give him a knowing stare, “what was your favourite part of the game, Stevie?”

“Ah,” Steve scratched the back of his neck, trying to remember any part of the match. “All of it?” He hesitantly said. It wasn’t meant to be a question, but definitely came out sounding that way.

“You asking or telling?” Clint questioned as he sat up on the love seat.

“Both?” He scrunched up his nose.

“Dude,” Sam sighed dramatically, “were you even watching?!”

“Yeah. Here and there–” Steve started but Bucky cut him off.

“No, he wasn’t. He was too caught up in his own mind,” Bucky said as a sly smirk appeared on his lips, and one of his brows raised. “So, what were you actually thinking about, pal?”

Steve just shook his head then finished off his drink. “When does the rehearsal dinner start?” He asked as he stood up from the couch to stretch.

“Nice change of subject,” Bucky shook his head and laughed, “and 5.”

“At 88 Restaurant, yeah?” He asked as he headed to the kitchen to put his bottle in the recycling bin.

“Yep,” Bucky said as he joined him in the kitchen, Sam and Clint right behind him.

“Alright, well I’m gonna head out. I’ll see you guys there,” he said then they all said their goodbyes, and then Steve headed home.

Once he got home, he relaxed for a few hours, then quickly got dressed into a light blue fitted dress shirt and tan khakis. Giving himself a once over in the mirror, before going out to his truck to head for the rehearsal dinner. It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t excited to see Y/N again—It would also be a large understatement if he left that statement at just ‘excited’. It was much more than that, and he was fully aware of it. But he just simply didn’t care.

He was hooked on her again, and that didn’t bother him one bit. She was, and clearly still is, the one true love of his life. And he’d be a fool if he didn’t at least acknowledge that. He was wrapped around her finger all over again, and she still had no fucking clue about it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

@hopefulmoonobject @harlequinash @itsstillnotwhatyouthink @tessvillegas @boxofteenageideas @wangdeasang @giggleberts @casuallydarktiger @theonelittleone @agentbadbitch @ratwrites @starrystellars @bandsandanimefreak @rockyroadthepastryarchy @lovvliies @cuffski @icesoccerer @alwaysright4 @lilsthethrills @imdiegohargreeves @zombiepotterfour @mu-mu-rs @ledandan1244 @straightforwardly @badassbeckettswan @denzmallows @xremember-me-notx @gwynethjodie @lollipopdomination @capstopavenger @jemimah-b99 @rcvenqers

[i4z-0892-il]

Eggshells 12

Author: Jena @i4z-0892-il

Summary: AU Serial Killers Sam and Dean Winchester find themselves in a bind when the Reader gets caught in the cross-hairs of their plans.

Pairing: Sam x Reader, Dean x Reader

Word count: 5647

Warnings: dark!fic, NSFW, 18+, Very graphic descriptions of violence, mature themes, death, mentions of death, torture abuse, language, assault

A/N: Shit’s long, not sorry.

Unbeta’d typos are all the fault of dyslexic brain.

Inspired by my girl @alphvjensen’s incredible story Sex and Violence

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13

If you like my work consider buying me a Coffee, or leave me some Feedback!

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It was near impossible to tear your sight from Dean’s snoozing figure; draped clumsily, and almost uncomfortably over the bed next to yours. His face from your dream flashing in your mind, the twisted grin and piercing eyes sending a chilling shudder all the way down your spine. Coming to a conclusion about the meaning of your dream was easy, but it was difficult to convince yourself to heed the very obvious warning. Looking at him from where you sat he seemed so peaceful, and decent. Looking at him without context you might have seen him on the streets and been smitten, perfect pouting lips, the light dusting of freckles over his nose, a jawline for days, he was just beautiful. But that wasn’t really him. Maybe it was once upon a time, maybe he was just another handsome face in the crowd, maybe he was once as good as his pretty face would lead one to believe. In truth you knew of the raging inferno that boiled beneath the surface, the demon trapped inside begging to be fed with blood. He’d had multiple chances to exact that blood from your veins and even though he’d failed to collect, you weren’t so sure he wouldn’t change his mind. You had seen behind the mask, and it would haunt you forever. He was a monster wearing the face of an angel. Even still there was a bit of sweetness left in him, you weren’t sure how you’d managed to capture a glimpse of it, but it was there. Just a hint of kindness, a flicker of concern. It wasn’t enough though. It would never been enough to wipe away the destruction he’d brought to your life. But damn if it wasn’t tempting to try, damn if he didn’t make you feel powerful alive. Dean was a dangerous and addicting high that a dark part of you was willing to chase.

It was hard to tell how long you were awake after that, your eyes bleary and closing against your will, struggling to keep conscious not wanting to drown again. But sleep came and took you anyway, leaving you curled around Sam’s arm radiating warmth, his fingers entwined with yours hoping that if you held on through your sleep he’d be there to pull you to safety this time.

He’d made the mistake of not drinking himself to sleep. Without that numbing agent there his own dreams were plagued with their faces. Lisa’s beautiful smile, and disheveled dark hair in the golden light of the early morning, and the sweetness of her kisses. She was soft and kind and warm, and he would sink into her every night with ease where he would lose himself in the ecstacy ravaged way she’d scream his name as she came undone beneath him. It was too much, it filled his head to the brim. It wasn’t always her in those intimate moments. Sometimes it was the three of them, out for dinner, strolling through the park. Sometimes it was just Ben; teaching him his way around an engine, how to talk to girls, how to throw a punch. It was the moments that truly felt like family, the moments where he truly felt love. They had been the best moments of his life, and now they were they were the worst, most painful memories he could think of. As long as he was drinking, as long as he clouded his mind with some brain-numbing substance or illicit distracting act, then he could function. But every time he was alone, every time he was sober, every time he had a moment of pause in the chaos of his life the gates flooded and they came through like a hurricane does a house of cards.

Tonight was different however, it wasn’t Lisa’s nails dragging long red welts down his back, it wasn’t her teeth sinking into his shoulder while he fucked her. It was your ragged moans filling his senses, your sex he was pumping fervently into. It was your throat his fingers wrapped around squeezing tighter, and tighter, unable to decide if he would let go and allow you to breathe or if he’d strangle and fuck the life out of you. Your eyes were locked onto his in a mix of pain and pleasure with a gaze so intense and intimate, and begging for more, it drove him to madness. Perfectly soft, and delicious lips parted as you gasped for air, his name lingering on the tip of your pink tongue. He couldn’t stop, you felt fucking amazing quivering around him, and his hands felt too good locked around your neck. Your fingers clawed down his arms, body writhing and pulsing with each sharp jolt of his hips until your climax left you coming apart at the seams as your lips turned shades of blue and purple. Under the unrelenting pressure of his grip those eyes of yours finally broke away from him only to turn up to the ceiling lifeless and glassy as your body went limp. Arms and hands falling away to gracefully frame your face morbid and beautiful and unmoving. Paralyzed in a state of euphoria and suffering. Suddenly it’s not what he wanted anymore. Suddenly he wanted to your eyes on him again, judging and condemning, and he found himself violently shaking you by the shoulders attempting to breathe life back into your empty body. But you wouldn’t breathe, resistance wouldn’t return to your loose muscles, the drumming in your chest had gone silent. Gathering you in his arms he pressed his face into the crook of your neck, the warmth of you slipping away too quickly. When he pulled away to whisper his sorry’s in your ear he smelled the distinctive scent of iron. The scent and feel of slick startled him, dropping you on the bed he backed away in a panic. Your blood coated his hands and seeped into the white cotton below your head stemming from an unseen wound, pooling around you and sinking your body into it’s wetness, filling the room swallowing you in it. His chest heaved as a thick fog of shadow rolled in around the edges carrying with it the echo of strangled voices both pleading for mercy and threatening, and he was frightened for the first time in a very long time. But it was when your hand, cold and dead, wrapped fingers around his wrist like a vice and dragged him under that shook his bones in horror.

Dean woke up with a start, sitting straight up, out of breath and disoriented, taking a moment to figure out where he was  he promised himself that he’d never sleep sober again. Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and rubbing his eyes as he stood. He leaned over your bed, crawling to you needing to check on you, to make sure he hadn’t accidentally murdered you in his sleep. When his eyes adjusted his face darkened when he saw you, fingers laced with his brothers. And your pretty lips, the same ones with his name on them in his head, pressed against the back of Sam’s hand contented and curled into a soft smile at the corners made his blood boil. Jealous was something he’d never considered himself, he’d never felt it with Lisa, knowing exactly where he sat in her heart. But this was different, he was different. Stepping over to Sam’s form he gave his boot a solid kick, abruptly jerking him, with a gasp, from his sleep. Wordless Dean stalked out the door, his jaw set tight. Sam shook his head to get the sleep out and followed Dean out the door. Leaning up against the door of the Impala with arms crossed over his chest Dean waited for Sam to shut the door behind him before starting in.

“So that’s what this was about?” Dean questioned but he wasn’t really asking, he’d already come to a conclusion about what he just saw and he didn’t like to share. Tilting his head to the side, his face screwing up in confusion Sam was almost afraid to ask for an explanation and still too tired to connect the dots.

“What are you talking about?”

“You and Y/n? You in love with her or something?”

“Dean...”

“What, Sam? Are you? I saw you in there holding her hand like she means something to you.” He accused, as if you were also meaningless to him.

“She does.” Sam admitted, you’d meant something to him for a long time, and Dean was the only thing standing in the way of it. Forgiving Dean for everything he’d done to ruin Sam’s life was no easy task, and it came with a fair share of resentment. Sam wasn’t allowed to live the normal life he’d wanted, he wasn’t allowed to be happy or have something healthy, not when Dean was so sick. It was easier to rationalize when Lisa and Ben had passed, easier to forgive the destruction that came with their deaths in their wake. But time continues and the world keeps spinning, people move on, but Dean couldn’t let go. And he wouldn’t let Sam carry on either. Of course he complied- it was his brother after all, the only family they had remaining in the world, but Sam had been pushed to his ends. There was no more justifying it, there was no more room for Dean’s grief to come before his own happiness. And after last night there was a flicker of hope that he might still be able to have something for just him, maybe he didn’t have to be a monster, maybe there was still a chance that there was goodness left in him.

His answer left Dean taken aback, with that ugly jealousy brewing in his gut, and it disgusted him. The whole situation disgusted him, it was always black and white. He found someone to take his anger out on, they stopped existing, and he moved on till the next time, and he didn’t think about it. Not time to rethink, or consider other approaches, no chance to give a fuck. And that was how he liked it. Pure instinct. Now there were shades for gray bleeding through. Every time he closed his eyes your face flashed in his mind more often than he would have liked, and your words barreled through his mind like a train. It made him feel again, and he despised it. But he wasn’t willing to just let Sam move in either. Had it been anyone else it would have been easy to ignore, but this was his brother, and this was you.

“Right, of course. And what- you figured you were just going to play hero, swoop in and whisk the damsel in distress somewhere safe so you can live happily ever after?” Dean snarked, and when his answer only came in the form of a frustrated head shake he continued. “Was all that supposed to happen before or after you throw your own brother under the bus?”

“It’s not like that.” Sam stated, it wasn’t fair of Dean to have dragged him into his escapades in the first place, and for him to throw it back in his face, it wasn’t right. Dean’s temper was flaring and Sam knew there was little he could do at that point to calm him, but he also knew that Dean wasn’t one to just drop something either, and he was through keeping the peace for Dean’s sake.

“Then what’s it like Sam? What was your plan?” Dean demanded. Sam didn’t  answer. “Y’know I distinctly remember you saying it was time we paid our dues, right before you ran away. So tell me the fucking truth.”

“I was gonna put her on a plane, drive her somewhere. I offered to take her to the Police, whatever she wanted.”

“Oh well aren’t you a bleeding fucking heart all of a sudden. You save the girl, and you run away, and you live some normal apple-pie life, pretend like none of this ever happened. You really think she’d go for that? For you? You’re a monster Sam, a freak. Just like me. And I may have pushed her to spill blood first, but you’re the one who suggested we take her in the first place. You tell me which is worse, the man that fires a gun, or the one handing it to him loaded, knowing he’d pull the trigger.”

“I couldn’t just let you torture her! I couldn’t stand around and watch you take out your pound of flesh from an innocent girl. You’re sick Dean! What you did was cruel, it was heartless, even for us- even for you. How many more people have to suffer? How many more victims before you’re satisfied?” Sam rationalized through grit teeth, the only reason he was on the line was because of Dean. Because Dean knew he could call for help and Sam would come running. Because that’s who he was. Because they were family, and there was no one more important than family. But now he felt taken advantage of, now he felt his kindness and willingness to be there for Dean was being abused. He wasn’t willing to stand by and watch the death toll grow around him anymore.

“As many as it takes.”

“As many as it takes for what? Lisa and Ben are dead, and no amount of blood you spill is going to bring them back.” Sam chastised, the mention of their names sent him reeling. Dean snapped, connecting his fist to Sam’s jaw with a dull crack, knocking him off balance and sending him clumsily into his Charger parked behind him, splitting his lip.

“Don’t you ever fucking talk about them.” Dean spat, eyes narrowed with threat and promise. No one was allowed to mention them. Sam returned to his height bringing the back of his hand to his mouth wiping away a thin trail of blood, before shaking hair from his face and trying to refocus. Raising his arms in the air at his sides he gave Dean a free target.

“You can hit me all you want, it’s not gonna change anything. You’re losing it man. They’re gone and it hurts so bad you don’t know how to move on.”

“I said don’t fucking talk about them!” Dean yelled, grabbing his brother by the collar and whipping his fist across his face again.

Smack!

And again.

Smack!

And again.

Smack!

Sam didn’t struggle, didn’t fight back, it wouldn’t have done any good. Anger was the only thing Dean understood since they died, it was the only language he spoke. And the beating was the least Sam deserved, after everything he’d done to you, after everything he’d done to help Dean cover his tracks. He deserved far worse, they both deserved the electric chair, and a lifetime in prison. They were a danger to society. This had gone on unchallenged long enough, too long.

“They’re dead Dean, and you’re turning into the thing that killed them.” Sam muttered exhausted, head swimming with eyes half-lidded but unafraid. Rearing back his fist intending to strike again Dean stopped his eyes fixated on Sam’s face who was willing to take any number of punches he wanted to throw at him. The fact that he refused to fight him back, that Sam was willing to just let him take his anger out on him did nothing but piss him off further, slipping deeper into that maddening rage that seeped every aspect of his mind and body. Rage was all he knew anymore, it was the only thing that made sense anymore. Dean shoved him backwards against the car where he hit hard, forcing the air from his lungs and slumped to the gravel below.

Leaving him there Dean walked around the Impala and climbed into the driver's seat slamming the door as he did. Firing his Baby up she came to life with a thundering rumble and he tore out of the parking lot, her tires squealing sharply over blacktop once he hit the paved road. There wasn’t a specific destination in mind, somewhere with liquor. Somewhere with enough liquor to drown them out, or drink himself to death- whichever came first.

There was no dealing with their deaths, how could he when it was his fault they were dead? If he’d just been stronger, or faster maybe. If he’d gotten home ten minutes sooner. He should have known, he should have tried harder, fought more. He could have saved them, and he failed. He was left trying to figure out how to carry on when he got to live and they didn’t. It had been years and he still couldn’t figure it out, he couldn’t end it himself, not yet. There was still unfinished business he had to attend to. The problem was he couldn’t hunt the fucker down. Gordon was as elusive as he was evil, and his murder spree hadn’t shown any signs of slowing down. There was no telling how high his body count was at that point, the only ones that could really be pinned on him were Ben and Lisa, all of the other women that had gone missing or been found dead across the state were nothing more that speculation. But Dean knew when they flashed across the screen.

‘Local Woman missing from home following break-in.’

‘Sixth Woman to go missing in two months.’

‘Body of missing Local Woman found.’

‘Human remains found, thought to be body of Missing Woman’

By his estimate Gordon had at least fifty kills under his belt in the last two years alone. His pattern was sporadic and ever changing, the only thing remaining the same were that all of his victims were young, attractive women who were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Much like you.

Sam was right, he was turning into the thing he hated most. He was turning into the Thing that lurks in the shadows and steals life, the monster in the dark. He didn’t even know how it happened, it just did, the natural progression of events. Before long it had become habit, addiction, commonplace. Not once had he stopped to wonder why, or take a moment to notice how far off the bandwagon he’d fallen. He was like poison now, infecting and killing everything around him, and he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop because he liked it. There was a morbid safety in the dark. After living there for so long it becomes a sanctuary of sorts. There was no further he could fall because he was already at rock bottom. No one’s heart to break because they were already all broken. There was no one left to disappoint, and no one to make him feel worse, because he was already buried in it.

He was untouchable because he was so full up on his own brand of self inflicted torment that no one would hurt him more than he’d already hurt himself. And when one doesn’t have hope they can’t be let down. At least that’s what he thought. But then there was you. You who had the same vibrant defiance and unwavering stubbornness as his Lisa. You who was supposed to be just another speed bump in the road.

The look on your face when he’d forced you into your first kill, that broken and shocked look had remained with him burned forever in his memory and if he thought about it long enough it would be one of his biggest regrets.

“And I blame you.” You’d said, your voice strong willed but quite, no edge of anger, or hatred. If anything your words were tinged with a sort of defeat, maybe it was acceptance; either way hearing them pass your perfect lips struck him in his soul in a way he didn’t think was possible anymore. And it infuriated him beyond fucking measure. Still there was a small flicker of something, there was no denying the wash of relief on your face when you’d seen him in the woods, and how his heart nearly leapt out of his chest because of it.

Dean smacked his palm against the steering wheel and let out a frustrated sigh realizing he’d left you back at the hotel, with Sam. Which was the exact opposite of what he wanted. Sam just pissed him the fuck off, bringing up Ben and Lisa set him off like nothing else and Sam knew that. Once their names were dropped that was it, all he saw was red, and the only thing he could do was leave so he didn’t murder his little brother in broad daylight in a parking lot. But the last thing he wanted was to give you and Sam an opportunity to get closer, at least until he could figure out how he felt about you. And now he might as well have dropped you right in Sam’s lap, what would you think of him now? You wouldn’t understand why he’d just beaten his brother senseless, how could you? And it wouldn’t matter if you did, you were a logical sort of person, he knew that. He knew this just made him look worse in your eyes, as if he could stoop lower. That pit in his stomach grew beginning to consume too much of his being. There wasn’t enough liquor in the world to fill it, to numb it, to change anything.

He had to go back, if he could just try to be a normal fucking human again, if he could just try to connect with you… He didn’t know what he was expecting. Didn’t know what he wanted from you. He didn’t want to scare you away, let alone into the arms of his brother. Maybe he could explain, just try to talk to you. The idea didn’t sit right with him, it made him more uncomfortable than anything he could think of. But if he was going to try to keep you around he needed to give you a reason to stay, and so far he’d given you nothing but reasons to run far, far away.

The distinct sound of Dean’s car ripped you from a near comatose slumber, eyes snapping open noticing the absence of both of them immediately. Slipping out of the bed you stepped cautiously to the window, not sure if you wanted to know what you’d find. Surely they wouldn’t just leave you there, dump you off at some random motel and jump ship? Sam wouldn’t do that to you, and you had a feeling that if Dean drove so long to hunt you down he wouldn’t either. Pulling back the curtain you peered out the window to find that beautiful black Impala missing, but Sam’s Charger still parked. Eyes went wide noticing a pair of long legs sprawled out over the gravel parking lot.

Without hesitation you tore the door to the room open and ran to Sam’s side, gathering his face in your hands, bloody and bruised. Jaw locking tight you smoothed disheveled strands of chestnut out of his face to get a better look. Split lip, and long ripped gash along his cheekbone already starting to discolor. It didn’t take but split seconds for you to figure out who did it, what you couldn’t figure was why. Dean had his shot last night to be pissed, to retaliate, why now? What you did know was that it was early, and bright, and Sam laying in a pulverized heap on the ground was not the attention they were going to want to attract.

“Okay Sasquatch, we gotta get you back inside, and I can’t carry you. You’re gonna have to help me out.” You said, understanding hazel eyes turned up at you as you knotted your fingers in the collar of his plaid shirt struggling to bring his massive form to his feet, which took more effort than you’d have liked. He helped as much as he could but he looked like he’d gone twelve rounds with a block of cement. With a groan he slung a heavy arm across your shoulders putting a little more weight on your side than you’d have been comfortable with but you were determined to drag him back to the room.

Once inside you kicked the door closed with your foot and dropped Sam back into the chair by the window. Sucking in a breath, filling your lungs, you let out of with a worn-out sigh. You had always been on the strong side, it’s not like you had been a power-lifter or anything, you’d just always been strong and capable for your size. But that was a workout. It was only about fifteen feet, but it felt like you’d just run a mile.

“Fuck, you are heavy!” You groaned. “You’re so thin! Why are you so heavy?”

Sam responded with a lazy smirk, but grateful for your help nonetheless. The answer was the miles of rolling and rippling suntanned muscle hidden under his shirt. It didn’t help that he was basically a full foot taller than you which made all of that weight throw off your balance.

The little first aid kit was still sitting open on the table, and you slipped into the bathroom to grab and wet a washcloth and flicked on the lights so you could see what you were doing. You stood between his thighs dabbing at the tender and broke skin on his face gently, pausing each time you saw his eyes flinch.

“Sorry…” You offered empathetic, he just shook his head.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about me.”

The thing that perhaps was perplexing you the most was the fact that you’d bludgeoned a man to death last night and couldn’t give two flying fucks less, but seeing Sam in slight discomfort made your stomach churn and your heart hurt.

This is stupid. On a long list of stupid things in your life. This is hands-down the stupidest of things. You chastised yourself. You’re catching feelings for a fucking psychopath.

It’s not as if you could have helped it. People can’t necessarily choose who they develop feelings for. If that were a thing then you’d have stayed with Matt Lowery, he was handsome, and nice, and safe, and so boring he made you want to blow your brains out all over his dumb cream coloured carpet. He was the kind of guy you bring home to meet your parents, the kind of guy who would have bent over backwards to make you happy. But no matter how hard he’d try, he’d always fall short, always missing a certain component that you needed desperately. Most importantly of all, you were not in love with him. You nothing’d him. It wasn’t that you didn’t try, you did, you really did. You wanted to love his soulful brown eyes. You wanted to love that he was a good person. You wanted to want him. But he didn’t make your heart leap out of your chest, or put that flutter in your stomach like you did him. You couldn’t see spending the rest of your life with him, hell you couldn’t see spending a full day with him. You never missed him when he was gone. Your body didn’t react to his touch like it should have, he always left you unsatisfied, and desiring more. There was a hunger in the pit of you that needed more, more than he could give you. You’d hoped you’d grow to love him, but it never happened. And when his laugh turned to nails on a chalkboard in your head, and seeing him became a chore it was time to go.  When you broke it off you knew you broke his heart, but you felt so free that you didn’t care. Maybe you were cruel for leaving, maybe you were crueler for staying and wasting his time. But once he was gone you didn’t think about him anymore, it was like the two years you were with him held no weight, and he didn’t exist. You hadn’t even thought about him till now.  If you were smarter you might have stayed, if you could choose who you wanted you might have stayed.

But that isn’t how it works. The heart wants what the heart wants. And now you were looking at Sam marveling the sharp, angular lines of his face, the dimples carved in his cheeks, the pink softness of his lips, and how long and lovely his eyelashes were. And he was looking at you with those eyes like a kaleidoscope of color, steel blue and green, and golden honey, with a deep seated sweetness in them. He was watching you so intently you were finding it hard to focus, like he could bore a hole straight through your head and peer directly into your very soul. Heat crept into your cheeks forcing you to look away embarrassed and a bit ashamed by the filthy thoughts flitting through your head. Clearing your throat you decided you needed a topic change, the feel of powerful thighs on either side of yours a bit too distracting.

“So you wanna tell me what happened.”

“Dean.”

“Yeah, I figured that much, but why?”

“He’s upset that we ran. And I pushed too far about Ben and Lisa.” Sam lamented. He’d deserved to be hit for that, not one of his proudest moments.

“Ben and Lisa? His wife and kid?” Up till then they could have just been a made up sob story Sam just concocted to make you feel sympathy for his brother. They had names, and that made a difference for you, it made them seem somehow more real. But the way Sam said their names sounded more like curse word than anything else.

“Yeah, I shouldn’t have brought them up.” The shameful guilt written on his face broke your heart. It baffled you at the same time that someone with so much empathy and compassion could follow such a heartless path. You wondered if he could stand to look at himself in the mirror, or if he slept much at night. Then again, that was something you were trying to get a wrangle on yourself. There was no simple answer, and nothing left to say.

There was no rubbing alcohol in the first aid kit, but you had found half a bottle of whiskey, and it was going to have to make due. His eyes squeezed shut, and he let out a small sharp hiss through his teeth at the burn of alcohol seeping into open and raw skin. Strong hands gripped your thighs so abruptly he nearly threw you off balance. All bets were off after that, there was no ignoring the warmth seeping through your jeans from his large hands that didn’t move away after dropping the whiskey soaked cotton ball on the table. Feather-light fingertips slipped along the length of his jawline, tilting his head up to see what else you could do for him, but you weren’t nurse and didn’t have the ability to heal with a touch. He was just going to have to deal with some bruising for a while.

“I think your prognosis is good. You’re going to live.” You said, as Sam’s hands inched ever so slowly up your thighs, his dimpled smile flushing your face and core with heat.

“Oh, is that your professional medical opinion?” He asked turning soulful hazel eyes up to catch yours, intense and burning with a hunger. Tracing your thumb over his lower lip soft, and pink and inviting you simply nodded as answer, pulling your own lip between your teeth transfixed and acutely aware of the agonizingly slow travel of his hands up your thighs. Sam’s grip came to rest at the bones in your hip, his thumbs slipping under the hem of your t-shirt and sliding rough against the smooth skin beneath it and just above the rise of your jeans sending tiny sparks of electricity straight to your center. Swallowing down your apprehension you slipped fingers into the soft locks of chestnut hair that curled around his collar.

This was wrong, and you knew it, and it made it all the more exhilarating. Large hands slipped higher under your shirt, long graceful fingers digging into the soft skin over your ribs, lips parted seeking permission but expectant. That nervous want coursed through your veins making it harder to breathe properly, making your body vibrate in anticipation, waiting for you to make a decision. Another choice that had the potential to change your future. 

You can’t sleep with your kidnapper.

You’d made stupid choice after stupid choice so far and looking into his eyes like a kaleidoscope of color it was difficult to keep your wits about you. When he pulled you in ever so slightly, enough to feel the heat radiate off of him like a furnace, and the flex of the muscle in his chest firm and taut, and flush against your stomach, it was all over. The scent of him filled your senses, and all you could feel was his electricity moving over bare skin raising goosebumps over your ribs and up your back lingering in the wake of his touch. You met his lips with yours crushing and hungry, his hands wrapping around the back of your thighs pulling you into straddle his lap, wasting no time once you were there to knot his fingers firmly in your hair. The feel of his arms wrapped so tightly around you, and his teeth sinking into that sensitive spot on your neck just below your ear was euphoric and distracting.

You never heard the sound of that distinct telltale engine pulling back into the parking lot.

Tags: @roseangel013bf, @sanityoverrated27, @nibeca, @deanlenaotp, @deanandsamsbitch, @classyjellyfishpoetry, @sarahbearccxc, @smiling-meerkat, @goldenangelbloodcastiel, @pearlparty, @aquabrie, @notnaturalanahi, @mogaruke, @deansbitch1967, @ladylustitia, @supernatastic101art, @starhdust @ellen-reincarnated1967, @wedontapologize, @butiaintgonnaloveem, @deansbitch1967, @deanandsamsbitch, @green-eyed-hunters, @butiaintgonnaloveem, @ellen-reincarnated1967, @mogaruke, @alexwinchester23, @bunnybaby121115 @afanofmanystuffs @hobby27 @heyitscam99

[fightingorcavingintodepression]

1/16/17 5:17 pm

I had my first panic attack I've had in a long time. I've gotten so bad at work my manager called me at 10AM and left a voicemail. I called him back and said I had a Doctors appointment and forgot to send out an email to the team. I hate lying, but i can’t realistically say I'm suicidal and won't even get out of bed every morning.

I ran to the bathroom and started dry-heaving for a good 2-3 minutes. Then I laid down on my bed and felt like crying, and then Stayed there for nearly another hour.

Kill me.

1/20/17

I'm eating lunch by myself at 3:06 on Friday. I've only hit myself a few times today. I ordered and shipped a present to Shara and it should get there tomorI'mrow, but today is her birthday. I deleted my Facebook and haven't been posting on tumblr, so I'm avoiding everything. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I'm going to stop typing because I'm tearing up in the restaurant. I'm pushing all of my friends away. I saw Selina last weekend and it was so awkward. I can't even hang out with my best friend without it being awkward. I want to kill myself.

Please let me die in an accident.

10:56 pm I want to keep hitting myself until I don't wake up.

1/25/17 Wednesday 11:39pm

I'm at McDonald's getting a milkshake and food. I've "worked" from home the past three days because I don't wake up till 9 or 10. That's a lie, I'll wake up and hit snooze, but won't force myself into up. On Monday I stayed online till 11:30 and then said o had a doctors appointment and was gong to wfh the rest of the day, but the last two days I haven't even sent anything out. I deserve to get fired. My depression is destroying me.

1/26/17 Thursday 2:30pm

I woke up late at 8:50ish and got online. Did the scheduled work for Austin and once that was finished, drove into the office and got in at about 10:30 (I think). I ate lunch at my desk and I've gone back and forth to the bathroom and just sat. Only work I've done today is finally send an email I've needed to for weeks. Mom asked me to call her at lunch and I finally said I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. I told her I'd decide on a weekend and give her a call tonight, but I'm not sure I can. It's now 2:48. I've been in the bathroom almost 20 minutes.

2/16 4:29pm

I woke up at 3:30 am and stayed awake, but then fell asleep and didn't get online from home until about 9:40. Came into the office about 12:40. I've done maybe an hours worth of work. I really hate myself. When driving into work nearly had an accident from someone driving recklessly and me not just letting them pass me. They cut to my right into a lane for cars getting on and drove on the side of the road to pass me since I didn't slow down. The driver even had people (possibly kids) in the back of their car. I hate myself, but that person as well if they can justify that type of driving that also may harm their own kids, let alone other people. I started yelling again in my car...it's getting worse.

I hit myself again this morning in the shower.

2/17 12:18am

I can see myself committing suicide within the next year. Depending if I don't get better, maybe not till after my parents pass.

2/20 12:33pm

I didn't get up again today (Monday) until 9:50 and log online. Then finally came in to the office about 10 minutes ago. Off to a bad start of the week. I should be fired. I did "clean" a good portion of my apartment yesterday because at&t suppose to be coming this week. It's still a terrible mess, but you can finally see the floor now. Next is the kitchen.

1:04pm - eating lunch by myself at wich which. Postponing going back to the office. Not sure if taking these notes is beneficial, or even a smart idea (hint, it's not)

2/21 12:31pm

Late again. Thinking of working from home tomorrow. Getting worse. Really worse. Spent too much money yesterday on gifts I'll probably never give.

2/24 11:52am

It's my birthday. Today hasn't been a bad day.

2/28 12:15 pm

In training. Feeling useless. My back is also killing me. Have my APA later today. Guess I'll find out how badly I'm doing or if we'll just pretend I'm doing fine when it's obvious I'm not. Not likely I'll get fired since I'm an ITA, but don't know. Just haven't been given a warning or anything

3/13 12:48pm

I'd been doing okay for a little while. Starting to get worse again. Started saying things again. Didn't wake up for work till 9ish. Didn't get in till 11ish. Need to stop. Want to hurt myself. Want to kill myself. Fighting it. Still doing bad. In the bathroom wanting to hit myself. Shara texted about doing stuff this weekend, and I almost want to back out. I'm suppose to do Aerials with gabby tonight, but want to use my weight as an excuse and say I'm over their limit (which may actually be true, but their website doesn't say and no one picked up when I called), or that I don't have the right clothes, or I'm having a panic attack (probably closest to being honest). And one of the other things that's bugging me in the back of my head today I'm hating myself most of all for it even bothering me.

3/20 4:39am

Mild depression acting up. Want to "call/email" out of work. Smacking myself a bit the past day

3/22 6:14pm

Didn't go into work today and haven't done any work so far. Needing to get a report and presentation done before tomorrow. Depression has been really bad this week. Sleep is getting off. Whispering harmful things to myself and hitting myself more often.

3/24 10:44am

I want to hurt myself. I'm doing really badly this week. No point even coming into work. Can tell I'm being replaced in all areas. Went to lunch with people. Faked it. Now I'm back at the office (2:04pm) and hiding in the bathroom. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I want to pass out.

I want to die.

3/25 5:02pm

Doing bad today too. Didn't get up till noon. Went to the park to walk, but had negative thoughts the entire time and it didn't help. Convinced myself to go out to dinner at Las Margaritas that I normally get take out from. I plan to make myself sit in the living room when I get home to get out of my bedroom/bed. It feels pathetic, but right now the smallest things feel like an achievement.

3/27 1:41am

I want to kill myself. I just want it to end. I don't want to hurt my family though. I wish I could make them forget i existed so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

3:06am still lying awake on the couch. The longer I stay awake, the longer I postpone till tomorrow comes.....or that's how it feels. Ready to kill myself.

3/30 8pm

I now weigh 245 pounds. I write this as I sit in line at chick fil-a getting a meal for two people and a milkshake

3/31 6:38

Deleted all of my social media. Specifically tumblr, which I can't reactive. Gone forever.

4/6 1:12pm

Was doing better for a bit because work was busy enough to distract me. Getting too busy now. Think I overheard two people saying they don't want to work with me, and storage team disregards my existence. It's a new feeling when I feel like I'm doing some good work, but know I'm also doing terrible in other areas and people no longer want to work with me. Hitting hard and really want to hurt myself again. I need to make some life choices before I end up committing suicide.

4/7 1:36pm

It might be good to just quit before June. If I sold everything I had, I could pay off all my debt. I'd be left with nothing, but wouldn't leave anything for people to worry about.

4/17 10:21am

So overwhelmed.

4/19 9:08am

Sitting on toilet at home. So overwhelmed at work. Can't get anything done and nothing is going right.

6/1 11:02am Thursday

Hadn't been in the office in almost a week. Had Friday off and Monday for Memorial Day, but lied and said Tom had knee surgery on Tuesday and then wfh on Wednesday. Getting bad again. Realized I hadn't been writing in here for a month and a half. Not sure if that's a good win or not, since I mostly only remember to when I'm getting bad again.

6/25 2:15am

Depression getting bad again. Suicide would be nice. Just want it all to end. If I could sleep for a year, I'd take it.

6/27 12:40pm

Didn't go into work until almost 11 yesterday. Working from home today. Can't even answer a phone call. Have a meeting at 2 and then will probably shower as unavailable the rest of the day.

6/28 3:06pm

Woke up at 5 and still didn't go into work today. Stayed showing as away all day and said I had issues with Skype and car issues

7/14 12:50pm

JB texted me asking if I was off. I should just kill myself. Lying through my teeth. His pa

7/18 3:28am Tuesday

I want to die in an accident so no one I care about thinks it was a suicide.

7/20 1:59pm

Didn't go into work until 12 today. While I was in the shower, my phone range and I just started cursing thinking it was my manager. Already had my lie made up going to say my car stalled this morning coming into work. Didn't have my phone (which is why I didn't pick up if it was them), but luckily a cop pulled over and called a tow truck....

Haven't had to use my lie yet, but going to use parts of it tonight to get out of going to a coworkers house for game night.

I really hate myself.

I need to call in my medicine to see if they'll prescribe it again, even if it doesn't seem like it's helping.

7/31 9:04pm

In line at Taco Bell. Didn't go into work today or Friday. Meant to send an email saying I was taking my mom to doctors and would be back Tuesday, but overslept and didn't bother. Don't want to go in tomorrow either. I haven't been replying to Shara and I feel terrible, but I'm not in a good place either. Hadn't been replying to family until Mom called worried and acted like I just forgot to hit send on some texts. It's easier to act like nothing is wrong with people who don't know I'm not good mentally. I saw a post on Tumblr that describe what I'm feeling. I'm pushing people away so it's easier when I want to kill myself.

9/5 11:42am

Moved to new apartment. Enjoying it so far. Had a 5 day weekend from labor/took Thursday and Friday off to move. 1st day back at work and already feeling overwhelmed and counting down till 4:30. Kill myself creeping inside my head again.

9/21 10:02am

Want to die. Want to die. I just really want to die. Kill myself. Kill myself. I'm so tempted to kill myself. I'd make it look like an accident so not to hurt my family. But I need to find homes for Yen and Shani, or plan accordingly. Could drop them at a shelter, but include some cash to help care for them (1k?). Then someone who is a good person, but just had money trouble would take them. I'm not sure I'll live 15+ years to outlive them. I take that back; I know I won't. I don't even know sometimes if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm not actually making any attempts or plans to do it, but every time I walk in to work or leave, I hope a car hits me. Kill me kill me I just want to die.

10/18 9:52am

Overslept and didn't go into work today. "Working" from home online. Depression episode kicking in again. I just want to die.

10/31 Tuesday 12:02pm

Didn't get into work until 11 today. Called into the 8:30 conference and answered some emails to appear like I was working, but hardly got out of bed. ~Read back through some of these notes just now and now I've got in the back of my head the idea of starting to hit myself again. I know this is a downward slope, but really want to go to the bathroom stall and do it anyways just so I don't feel numb. It's lunchtime, so no one should be there to hear it. ~~I ended up going to get rubber bands and paper clips instead. Still hit myself s few times, but people kept coming into the restroom while I was in the stall.~

11/1 2:16 pm

In drivethru for chick-fil-a. Working from home rest of week probably. My anger is terrible. Called someone a cunt in the drivethru for honking and it wasn't even at me. My window was down, so think the person in front of me may have heard. I'm a terrible person and hate myself.

11/16 9:14am Thursday

Just got into work. Feel exhausted and drained as always. Just noticed it’s coming up on a year in January when I started making these notes. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing better or not. I’d say I’m not. Definitely not.

12/5/17 2:36pm

It’s a Tuesday, and I’d not been in the office for two weeks (11/21) between workin from home on Wednesday because thanksgiving was the next day, off Thursday and Friday, and then all last week I just never came in. Yesterday I “worked” from home, and today I didn’t get in till about 12. And the only thing I wanted to think about while walking into work because I forgot my headphones and couldn’t drown out the thoughts with music was how I wanted to kill myself. I have a meeting from 3-4 with new agile team (honestly probably only real reason I forced myself into the office). I wonder how fake I can present myself today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly interactive and mostly just informational.

1/14/18 11:27pm

I didn’t go into work at all last week. Was online only Monday for the entire day, and then Wednesday for the day on do-not-disturb. Skipped Tuesday and Wednesday completely though. Need to force myself to go into the office tomorrow. I hate myself. So much to catch up on. I cleaned a bit of the apartment, but still need to do more. My oncall starts next week, and I pray it’s quiet.

1/22/18 3:10am

Won’t go to bed because then the morning comes faster. I’m oncall this week and I just pray nothing happens at all. Even one ticket. Please don’t. I think I have an appointment this Friday about my antidepressants, but honestly I’m not sure. Please let me be left alone this week and work from home. I’ll even make sure I get work done.

1/23/18 12:30am

I’m pathetic at work.

2/4/18 6:43pm Sunday

Out grocery shopping. Tried to do small talk. Wanted to help bag like I do sometimes, but not doing well, so just awkwardly typing this on my phone. I HAVE to get work done when I get home, but haven’t been doing well. I’ll be lucky if I get anything done or I do it in the middle of the night (especially with my sleep schedule).

2/5/18 11:52am

Didn’t get anything done last night, but was able to wake up early and get it submitted by 8 (only one other person has anything uploaded so far). What pisses me off is another teammate setup a meeting at 2 with no heads up. That little amount of time and a same day meeting? Fuck that shit. I’ll attend, but doubt John will and don’t blame him. I said I was going to the doctor earlier, so purposely missed the one actual meeting I had today. Couldn’t get out of bed. Hate myself. Submitted a service request for the lights to be fixed in my apartment, so that’s the one useful thing I’ve done. I was wrong, John did accept. I hate myself.

5/7/18 Monday 8:59am

On the train in to work. Only going in for the ITA orientation and then probably leaving. Probably will stay an hour to get hibachi for lunch and then leave. I’m oncall this week. Please please please don’t have any tickets or sde’s after hours. Please god. Just this once. I’ve been doing so well with my depression, but the last week and a half it’s been dipping again and I’m afraid. On the chart at my therapy office, id finally for the first time dipped below the number for being depressed! I know I’ll always have depression and depression slumps, but it’s scary going back into my first one after doing well for almost two months. I don’t want to go back into that. I really don’t. Please just don’t have my oncall this week go badly. Dear god, just please don’t. I don’t want to breakdown in tears from anxiety this week. Make my next oncall worse, but just let me not have to worry about anything this week. Please.

5/7/18 Monday 11:21am

Doing better mentally once I got in the office and moving. It’s sad how easily that change can happen. You’d think I’d be happy, but just makes me realize how easily I can drop again. Part of me knows I could stay at the office and continue working, but the other half doesn’t care. I’m eating hibachi and then taking the train home.

5/10/18 1:02pm

Finishing up lunch at hisaki and then going into office. Have to recount all of the WebLogic VM counts manually.....

All the work before I did is basically useless.

Time to go through 400+ (maybe less since a good number are in the shared environment) and find out their host count. I shouldn’t really be complaining. Just didn’t want to have to do/worry about anything till after my vacation.

Now it’s 1:32 and I’m sitting in the toilet just waiting for the day to end. Shoot myself shoot my self I just want to shoot my self.

5/23 5:12pm

Felt sick the past few days. Worked from home. Throat is killing me, but in line at McDonald’s and going to get

5/25 Friday 11:27am

Hardly worked at all this week. Ignored a voicemail to call back my PO. Work is frustrating me.

I just hit myself for the first time in a long time again. Chest, face, head. It felt good

5:57pm clenching my fists in drive through. Want to hurt myself

5/28 Monday 2:04pm Memorial Day off work

At the bbq place getting Togo food. Been in bed all day/all weekend really. Felt sick, but also depressed. Stomach was so upset, didn’t take antidepressants yesterday. Going to take them for today when I get back. Still, I’ve not been doing well at all. Hitting myself more. Mainly the chest. May even do it on the way home. Just feeling numb again. Started reblogging suicidal/depression posts on tumblr again. It’s pathetic. Like a cry for help to the two I know who are on tumblr, but one never acknowledges them, and the other rarely gets on anymore. I have therapy this Friday (o think?) and have no improvement to speak of to the doctor. Overslept one from depression, but rescheduled the last one due to work issues. Slit my throat. Want to die. Let it end. Started singing those little tunes to myself the last week or two. Want to hurt myself. Really just want to drop dead from an accident. Get someone to take care of my cats, and then my family won’t think it’s a suicide.

6/12 10:59am Tuesday

Sitting at train station going into work. Just got back from surgery follow up and everything is fine. Spent maybe 10 minutes there in total. Now I’m going into work to eat my unhealthy lunch hibachi chicken and soda as always. I’m sad all the team. I have an in person meeting from 2-2:50, but will probably leave after that. Unless I ask Carter if he needed help with patching and he says yes, which is why I’m considering if I even should?? Wow, that’s pathetic of me. I only have to make it till EOD Thursday. Then I’ll watch Lily for the weekend, have my therapy session on Friday, and (maybe?) visit Mom and Tom on Sunday.

6/24 Monday 10:46am

I may barely make it into the office for an 11am meeting. This isn’t going to be a good week.

7/3 Tuesday 6:11pm

I missed my medicine twice in the last week (I think? Or only once). But just don’t care to take it anymore since I’ve noticed

7/9 Monday 12:15am

This isn’t gonna be a good week. I can already tell.

7/22 Sunday 1am

Doing patching. Teammates were being fucking useless, so I got offline and said I was having internet issues. It’s been a fucking hour and they’ve not done shit. The job is still hung exactly where it was when I left off. They’ve not tried to do anything at all. There are two more groups that have to run for Linux, and we’re already 2/3 hours of patching there is from 11-2am. Cancel the ticking job you dipshits. I even sent an email basically telling you to!!! I did all the ducking work for you!!! Instead you just sit there for an hour doing nothing!!! Cancel the fucking job!! If it gets to 1:30am and still nothing, I’m sending a follow up email and ccing myself. I’m not even suppose to be in charge here!! They are!!! At least Brandon should be. Daniel is ridiculously new, but clearly knows more, so make the ticking call too, for fuck sake.

- they finally did when I was typing this all out. And of course it was the new kid, not the guy who is a full time employee who should be making the call. Then again, I’m a waste of space too. Just got fed up with them and quit with a bullshit excuse. I’m trash. Now that I’ve calmed down, I hate myself again.

Thursday 7/26 2:54pm

First time I’ve been in the office I think nearing 3 weeks? I’ve not been taking my antidepressants as consistently. So tired all the time. Hardly get out of bed. Didn’t go to therapy last week. I need to call tomorrow to cancel next weeks too unless it’s early in the morning. And also schedule more since I don’t have any after that. And also reschedule one on a different day for my medicine.

Just got off my 3pm call. PO wasn’t there, so I basically lead. Talked for like 5 fucking minutes before my team lead said they’ve been doing it manually the last 4 days. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and out of the loop. I’m definitely not Sr IT analyst ready. I’m just gonna leave work. I hate myself. Put myself on do not disturb and closed my laptop. Ran and caught the train. I’m so ducking fat and out of shape. I should just go skydiving by myself and not pull the parachute. Quick and easy. Could I do it in a body bag so it’s less of a mess for the people who have to clean it up? Sky dive, pull the bag out midair. Put it on and zip it up. Splat. Done. Kaput. 😊

How many weeks vacation do I have? Just use it all at once and disappear. Then when it’s up I just never come back. I wanna jump in front of a car or train, but not okay with the impact it’d have on the person driving. If I jump off mountain, the only person it might hurt is the people who found me? Plus annoy the people who have to clean me up.

Could have a suicide note and send it in so the police can find me easily? Idk. Can’t do anything till my cats are okay.

8/14/18 Tuesday 10:19am

On the train to work. Only going in to have an in person meeting. Didn’t wake up till 9:20 and only jumped up because of the daily Standup call at 9:30. Have patching this week and next. Alex is out the rest of the week, so I’m in charge of Windows....never done it by myself, yet alone enough with someone else to be confident. Need to send out the email as soon as we get Tom’s email tomorrow. Get the jobs running and finish documentation. I think Wednesday only has noreboot servers and is a small window? Hopefully okay.

I’ve not been taking my medication. Haven’t been to the doctors in really long (therapy/antidepressant doctor). I have roughly 35 days to get in better shape/health/mental state before going to Samantha’s to see Welcome to Nightvale. Will it happen? No idea.

Still on the train. 10:27. I feel so num. no emotion at all.

5:49pm - on the train home from work. Got a lot done today, so feel somewhat decent. If I can bury my head in work and actually get stuff done, I won’t notice my depression sometimes.

9/5 Wednesday 10:51 am

Have a big kickoff meeting I’m leading. Has a shit ton of people in it. Don’t feel confident. Stomach is nauseated. Want to hurt myself too. Get it over with. Cut my throat. Let me die. Die die die die.

9/20 Thursday 11:05am

Have barely worked the last week since the hurricane hit and we’re in storm mode. Had my first “shift” start at 6 this morning, and I was the only one in the room. Was a good thing I came in to the office. Actually got some stuff done. Just really tired since I couldn’t get to sleep till 2:30 or 3, and got up at 4:22. Going home right at 2. Today hasn’t been bad, but I’m exhausted and sad at myself for being so fat and out of shape.

Animal crossing

Love Nicky

Clash royal

Good fantasy

9/26 11:53am

On train into work. Have two in-person meetings this afternoon. I regret volunteering to do the ITA stuff. Just added stress with no good outcome. My stomach hurts too. Don’t know if something actually wrong, or just anxiety of everything with work, deciding to go to the BigFix event tomorrow during work hours, and text Samantha lying I can’t come to the show. Too many lies happening at once due to my anxiety. I guess I do have anxiety. My depression making my life difficult makes me have anxiety. God my stomach hurts. Kill me kill me I want to die. Slit my throat just want to die. Just disappear I just want to disappear. First steps I need to take today to help fix my anxiety

1. Call and reschedule therapy as soon as I get off train DONE

2. Talk to Cathy and then John about change freeze issue with Websphere maintenance. Then get communications out. SENT AN EMAIL

3. Prep documentation for ITA meeting at 3. WORKING ON

4. Plan what time to leave tomorrow

5. Text Samantha for details (address, what time I should get there, etc)

6. Plan to drive home after show

Die die die die die die di die die die die die kill me

10/3 Wednesday 2:51pm

I’ve not been into work since last Wednesday, and hardly online all this week. Finally got a text from manager this morning asking what’s up. Ready to kill my self.

10/4 Thursday 1:24pm

On the train into work for a 2pm meeting I’m hosting. I may barely make it in. Barely. Or I’ll be late. Shocker. I’m useless. I look and feel disgusting. Literally just need to know if Cathy will fight if we have to push the qa and prod environment during a change freeze. If not, what will happen if we have pushed test and dev, but can’t push prod/qa for months?? I highly doubt that’s okay.

11/1/2018 Thursday 1:12pm

Waiting for the train. Overslept for therapy and then an important meeting I said I’d be late for, but not miss the entire fucking thing. I’ve pretty much given up on therapy for now. Doesn’t make a difference, and won’t get another appointment for 2-3 months, if they’d even give me one with how many no-shows I’ve done. My stomach acid is killing me.

Have meeting. Schedule jobs for 5. Go eat hibachi. Take train home. Meeting is at 2. Doubt chuck will be there. Cathy may call in or not. Literally just depends if John/srini at there. If not, will be over in 10 minutes. If they are, just keep chugging along with Websphere (need to plan how to do QA and PROD along side OS patching.

QA

Wednesday - do it right after patching for Linux/aix. Try and include windows in the patching, or same scenario.

Do we think it’s worth doing adc/cdc groups still? Or just all at once?

Thursday - Linux/aix I do manually (hit B & C right at 5, and then A when it finishes)

11/29 Thursday 9:25am

Going into the office. I’m just really sad. I’m up to 283lbs without any clothes on. I’m working nights now with patching at work. I’m rude to the point that I don’t even move my bag on the train. It’s just all really sad. It’s not bad enough I’m hurting myself or suicidal thoughts, but I’ve just been emotionally numb. I quit taking my medicine for about a week or two, but then noticed an increase in anger, so started taking them again.

12/18 Tuesday 3:39pm

Sitting at a jimmy johns nears my apartment eating. On vacation from work, and watching Lily till Thursday, but I’ve had to be online some because patching still isn’t being covered by the EDC, even though Matt apparently was handling it but clearly didn’t? I’ll be up anyways, so I’m not mad mad, but more just annoyed, because I’m not doing this come January. Pretty depressed though. Sleeping all the time. I weigh over 285lbs now. Maybe I’ll die from a heart attack in 2019? I’ve not been taking my medicine lately, but I’ll run out soon anyways unless I schedule an appointment with my doctor. Definitely see my anger spiking some when I’m not on it while driving or the sorts. Last Friday I went into work and ran into my manager(s) which was good. Talked some, and mentioned about the possibility of moving to Durham. Would be okay, but did mention Charlotte is better career wise, which is true (but I’m okay with that?). I’m just sad all the time still. Apartment is a mess almost always, which isn’t good for the cats. I hardly ever clean their litter boxes, and it’s disgusting for them. Which reminds me I have to take them to the vet. I should call when I get back to schedule something and also clean their litter boxes before anything else.

2/18 10:02am

On my way into work to train one guy on patching, even though I’ll probably be the one having to do it the rest of the week. Was in an accident yesterday. Car hit me from behind. Surprisingly still shaken from it. I’m pathetic. Have to call insurance today since they said they were closed yesterday. Hopefully it’s just visual damage. The bumper popped off a bit, but I don’t know if it can just be popped back into place. I know nothing about cars. Other persons was much worse, but no one was hurt at least. I wish I was hurt. Just kill me. Be done with it all.

Work is never ending stress, this fucking house is too. AND I JUST REMEMBERED IM ON-CALL ALL THIS WEEK FFS. Please let it be quiet. I’m begging you. With all the SDE’s and ongoing stuff, don’t let there be anything for me. Slit my throat.

2/20 Wednesday 2:04pm

Sitting at a car body repair shop getting an estimate by Statefarm. Hopefully should be fine. Work is stressing me out. House is too. I’m responsible for getting the WebLogic patching done, but it’s all up to Srini looking at the problem servers. It’s not fair to him as I’m sure he’s swamped, but he’s the only one who can fix it. Also that one guy who sent that needs to go fuck himself. Passive aggressive fuck. Then with the house. They finally responded saying they want their roofer to take a look, which is fine. Just don’t come back and argue you’re not doing anything. I’m so done with that shit. Just offer to pay half and be done with it. Then my mental health is just terrible. Want to hurt myself. When I get home may take a butter knife or something and hurt myself. Cut my throat. Not even going into the office tomorrow even though I said I would. Fuck Friday. Please be a quiet oncall week. I’m beginning you, just like I do ever time I’m oncall. It’s pathetic. Wish I had cancer instead of Tom. Let me die instead of him. Mom needs him. Just let me die.

It’s Wednesday. Need to make it through the weekend. “Work day” just tomorrow. Have other work to do, but I’m not as worried about the after hour work for IE9 IE11 and office 2010 SP2. Slit my throat slit my throat

[dirtylimericka]

how about sean and riley for the ship meme?

send 2 names for the ult. ship meme! || x || accepting

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - This one is a little hard since we haven’t explored their relationship too much yet, but they’re both good beans and I think that they could last for quite a while. Again, I think the only difficulties that might especially get in their way is some of Sean’s struggles with PTSD after Cale. I think that would make communication between them harder than it already sometimes is and... I can see it putting a strain on their relationship.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - A little more slowly than they might have pre-Cale. I suddenly can’t remember if we ever discussed whether they meet before or after the events of Bad Samaritan? But Riley also seems a bit shy so I think their relationship would have built a slight bit more slowly anyway.

How was their first kiss? - This is very self-indulgent, but I like the idea of Sean working up the courage to kiss her, asking her what the sign for “kiss” was, having her show it to him, and then him asking in ASL if he can kiss her. Assuming she says “yes”, it’s on the lips and very gentle and chaste.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Sean.

Who is the best man/men? - Rowan.

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - I’m not familiar with Riley’s friends and family, so that would be up to you! 

Who did the most planning? - They divided it equally. Sean isn’t very good at planning, though, he’s a mite disorganized.

Who stressed the most? - Sean.

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - I can’t think of anyone that Sean wouldn’t invite, so anyone that Riley wouldn’t invite is up to you. c:

Sex:

Who is on top? - Hmm... Sean? Mostly? He’s happy to switch, though.

Who is the one to instigate things? - Sean, probably.

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard (unless Riley’s sex drive is much higher than I assume it is LOL) | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys (but unless Riley’s very kinky, I can’t see it being much more than Sean using a vibrator on her.) | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - On average, probably 11-15 minutes. Not including all the foreplay Sean likes to indulge himself and his partner in. He really enjoys that the most, actually.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - I think so, yeah. Sean’s usually more into pleasuring his partner, though, so if he doesn’t get off, that’s fine.

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 (I don’t know how cuddly Riley is, but if she’d let him, Sean is quite the cuddle monster) | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - One to two?

How many children will they adopt? - One. Maybe two. Sean doesn’t mind big families. I think his ideal is two or three kids, but he’d love even more if his wife wanted them.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - They try to divide it up equally.

Who is the stricter parent? - Sean would be somewhat overbearing after Cale.

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Both?

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Probably Riley.

Who is the more loved parent? - Loved equally!

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - They take turns.

Who cried the most at graduation? - Neither? I can see them both getting a little misty, though.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Both, but Sean scolds their children a lot more harshly, for obvious reasons.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - They cook together.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Sean isn’t very picky, so not him. I’m not sure if Riley is or not.

Who does the grocery shopping? - Both!

How often do they bake desserts? - Once or twice every few months.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - A balance of both.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Sean!

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Riley?

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Neither. Unless Sean is sleep deprived and his focus is low.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - They do it together.

Who is really against chores? - Neither.

Who cleans up after the pets? - They take turns.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Sean, but it’s very rare. Usually only when he’s in a hurry.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Hmm... neither, unless it’s someone from work or the in-laws.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Sean. He has a habit of poking around for spare cash.

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Sean.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - They go together.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - They do for Christmas and Halloween!

What are their goals for the relationship? - To help one another grow and to be patient, to be there for each other when they need them.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Sean. But I can sort of see them both sometimes snoozing late together.

Who plays the most pranks? - Not Sean. I’m not sure if Riley is the mischievous sort, but, yeah, def not Sean. He’s not usually the pranking sort.

[jessiewre]

Day 32

Weds 5th Feb

The next time the night bus stopped was 8:30am on the side of a busy road for a ‘pee stop’. I joked with the bus manager girl about the fact that it was kind of a man only toilet stop cos there was NO WHERE to hide, and she just smiled and agreed. I assumed that there would be another stop for women, but then wondered if perhaps that was a ridiculous notion cos ya know, we’re only 52% of the worlds population and why should it be someone else’s problem that we don’t have penises to conveniently pee from right?! Then a lady walked off the bus - was she gonna pee? I wondered, and I watched her with intrigue. She went to the side of the road in full view of the bus passenger window, opened up her huge shawl to cover herself and squatted on the grass to pee. Wow what a tekkers. Nothing but admiration for her (ok thats a lie, I also felt pure JEALOUSY, as I was desperate to pee). Maybe it was a stop for everyone after all.

The next time we stopped to let someone off I asked if there was a loo and the lady just laughed at me shakeing her head. FFS. I at least thought she would understand my situation and have some sympathy. By 9:30am, I had lost patience and the next time the bus stopped to let some people off, I just told her Let me off and I’d find a loo. She told me to ‘rush’. Alright mate, sure, I’ll rush around this main road while trying not to piss myself. My first thought of crossing the road was not a good one and I found a crumby cafe thing (I do not know who would eat here, it was even below my standards) and they said I could use the loo. Win!

There was a lady at the back of this dump holding a bucket and she said enthusiastically ‘Let me clean it for you!’

I politely said ‘Oh no, there’s no need...’ then took one look at the loo and started nodding. ‘Actually yeah crack on mate’.

The bucket she had was full of water so she just chucked the WHOLE LOT into the cubicle and soaked the room, absolutely not cleaning it at all. I was about to ask for loo roll then remembered I was in a rush and that this woman didn’t have shoes let alone loo roll, so cracked on and ran back to the bus where they weren’t even ready for me to leave anyway.

Half an hour later and we go to to River Road bus terminal. Based on what we’d read, we were expecting to get robbed the MOMENT we got off the bus. We grabbed our belongings and held them close to us while trying to look well ‘ard an that.

Contrary to this, it seemed fine, pleasant even, and after a bit of a haggle, we got in a taxi with a driver called Jackson. A smiley bloke who’s car had electric windows = ballin’.

We arrived at Wildebeest Eco Lodge and headed straight to the restaurant counting down the minutes till it was 11am and the kitchen would open so we could order something. At 11:01, I went to the counter BUZZIN. But they tried to mug me off by asking I come back in half an hour. I said Unfortunately this would not be possible. So they asked if it was because I was leaving soon.

I said ‘Umm no, I’ve just arrived from Uganda and I’m marvin mate, pleeeeease can we order something now please thank you please’.

They gave in and we had pumpkin soup, vege samosas and a bloody CHICKEN CAESAR SALAD. I don’t know why I ordered it, I just had an irrational craving and I can tell you now I won’t be ordering chicken again soon as it did not feel good (if I write it hear, then it’s even more likely I’ll stick to it). The bacon in the salad didn’t help matters either. Might have got away with it if it was crispy bacon, but nothing like fatty crap soft bacon to reassure you that the vege life is a good one.

We had a shower as soon as possible after this, I was trying to wash off the chicken and bacon, plus we realised our clothes were completely stinking (ok potentially mine more than Phil). Then we got ready for some pool time. 
The pool beds were SO INCREDIBLY HOT (in Africa eh, who knew) that I think Phil singed all the hairs on the back of his calf’s, but the pool was crisp and cold. So we managed to get through it.

Phil got super hungry again and we nailed ANOTHER pumpkin soup each but he had a vege burger too the wee fatty.

We lay on the grass for a bit after the pool and I noticed a little spot on Phil's lip. He reluctantly agreed to let me take a look at it and I tried to get rid of it swiftly. Whatever I did, it appeared to cause a lot of pain, and Phil screamed out and swore VERY loud and jumped up cursing me like crazy. So much so that I found it awkwardly hilarious so had to try and suppress my laughter, which got harder the more I knew I shouldn't laugh. I pulled the sarong in front of my face and Phil was so fumin (and apparently in a lot of pain) he stormed off to get some space. This made me laugh uncontrollably but with the sarong and my shades I felt I hid it slightly. By the time Phil returned 10 mins later, I was fully prepped with the sarong completely covered my head and face, with my shades covering my eyes. I tipped my shades down to look over the top and caught his eye as he approached and thankfully he started to laugh as I was pissin myself laughing to be honest. OH THE LAUGHS WE HAVE.

We debated about going out for dinnner but fatigue from our night bus was kicking in and the buffet dinner grew evermore appealing. We did not regret it as there were roast potatoes on offer - yum - but the tastiest dish was the bloody beef rendang so we had to try and get the sauce out without the meat...

Obviously the food hitting our stomachs caused immediate snooze-mode and we went to the dorm knowing it would be nice and quiet while everyone was eating and socialising. Squeezing into a single bed was tricky but worth it to watch some Netflix, finally finishing SE season 2. What a show.

[syspheane]

Ramblings With Mino: AnimeSydney Maid Cafe

Really, really long post, below. Make a cup of tea, and get comfy, yupyup.

I’ve never worked in hospitality before. Food exhibitions, mostly, usually as a baker or interpreter, but this was something new and exciting.

The event was held yesterday, on the 30th of September, in the Sydney Park Pavilion. Somewhere between 300 - 500 people booked and we had to start prep-work the day before in an Airbnb rental house, also considered the offsite kitchen. Two colleagues and I arrived pretty early at 3 PM and found a key under the mat, and entered. Pretty cryptic way of securing entry, but if it works, it works, hahah.

Prep-work didn’t actually begin until 5, since that’s when the ingredients were brought in. We also unloaded a van full of equipment, including a freezer, water bath, several microwaves, rice cookers, cream guns, and so on. 

An excerpt of 2017′s menu. Full menu here, but may be taken down since the event’s done. My favourite would be Kitsune.

I spent the evening cutting up onions, carrots, potatoes, cabbage and scallions for the dishes. I sustained a total three cuts that night, one of which was due to cleaning a cleaver, but that’s alright. There were band-aids and disposable gloves at the ready.

At around 7 PM, the society executives came by to check in on things. They also ordered pizza for everyone present, for dinner, which was delicious. We had things in the bag, so morale was pretty high.

Cabbages and carrots for okonomiyaki and salad to pair with the omurice.

1.2 kg of scallions for the okonomiyaki.

Way too many lemons for the salad dressing. 

At 8 PM, the head of the off-site kitchen screamed, and we stopped what we were doing and headed to wear she was. It turns out a cockroach was spotted and that would spell disaster if it got into our ingredients. I immediately grabbed some tissue and tried to capture it. I thought I had it, but it escaped my grasp and hid underneath the oven away from our reach. We decided to cover up everything that was prepped with cling-film and recover from that fright. Oh, and we memed about the situation thereafter, hence the image up top.

Next up on the list was starting the curry. All the beef was browned, and onions were sweated down in all that delicious beef fat, ho-hoh! Carrots were added, followed by potatoes, curry spices and dark chocolate, which made the curry smell amazing. One giant pot wasn’t enough, so we had to use another pan to hold stuff in.

Before the addition of potatoes. We ended up transferring all of this inside an even bigger pot.

It was around 11 when people started leaving to rest. I decided to stay in the Airbnb overnight, alongside a colleague and the leader of the offsite kitchen. We also found another cockroach in the box of lemons, but the onsite leader quickly grabbed it and stomped on it. Needless to say, all the lemons required a long wash, and all rotten ones were discarded. I stayed up ‘till around 2 AM to prepare lemon-miso dressing for the salads and okonomiyaki batter to be cooked up tomorrow. The offsite kitchen leader...stayed up all night though.

A pot full of delicious dressing, and still way too many lemons.

Equipment left outside overnight. The baby chair was from the Airbnb.

I woke up at 5 AM but I ended up pressing the snooze button ‘till it was 5:30 AM. I got out of the room, took a quick shower and started helping out cracking eggs and mixing dashi for the omurice.

At 6, the onsite kitchen leader came by and the two of us loaded all the equipment into a rental van to bring to the event. The good thing about milk crates is that they stack, and that they won’t slide around, due to the wonders of friction. If you’re heading there by vehicular means, the route to the event was dodgy as all heck. Essentially, you had to go through a bike track. Combine that with people running and walking their dogs, patience was required.

After unloading the equipment, I returned back to the Airbnb to continue prepping. A few colleagues and I were stationed to be there to ready okonomiyaki, omurice filling, curry and egg-mixes, while some were in the onsite kitchen for plating and desserts.

Omurice ingredients prepped in the offsite kitchen on the day of the event. Also, halal beef for some who requested halal curry.

At 10 AM, I was called over to the onsite kitchen since they were short on hands and were running a bit behind. An exec drove me over, and we also brought in a pot of curry, egg-mix and dressing as well, hoping that none of it would spill during the trip to the event. Thank the stars above it didn’t.

When I entered, the place was bustling! Cute maids, charming butlers and a swarm of customers all around. I made my way into the kitchen, stored the deliveries into the fridge and got to work. My main station was curry, though throughout the day I took care of desserts and garnish as well.

Omurice station, handled by two.

Kuma-chan curry. Aromatic, and would probably fill up a hungry bear. Maybe.

At this point I realise that I haven’t been talking much about the event. It was a sight. In the middle of every service, three maids would dance to Sweet & Sweet Holiday, and resounding applause was quite the morale boost. 

Speaking of music, ooh la la, the tracks chosen were nice on the ears. Mostly Love Live! tracks (Beat in Angel, Sunny Day Song and probably two more that I can’t remember), other anime openings that I do not realise, Miss Kobayashi’s Maid Dragon’s opening and ending (which is fitting) and Persona (Kimi no Kioku, Pursuing My True Self, Heartbeat-Heartbreak, Last Surprise, Life Will Change & The Whims of Fate). Pretty much, the kitchen staff all sang Last Surprise when it was played, myself included, heheh.

View of the cafe from the kitchen snapped quickly during the noon service.

View of the cafe during the noon service. From the media director’s images.

Sweet and Sweet Holiday Dance during the evening second-last service. Things have cooled down, and I was able to clap along with everyone.

After a struggle across the 10 AM service, we pulled through and were on track, which was a huge relief. Any shortages were quickly remedied by deliveries from the offsite kitchen. There was no time for breaks though, and we just kept firing out dishes, and making some in advance and placing them in the 80ºC heater. Quality control by second-in-command made sure that every dish that came out was good to eat. Most of the plates that were returned were empty as well, which made my heart all aflutter. Nothing is more satisfying than an empty plate.

In the middle of the afternoon, the head maid, which happens to be the president of the anime club in my university, suddenly came into the kitchen and fed everyone gummies. It was unexpected, but the sugar was needed. Barely had anything to eat that day, and anything we could get to keep the kitchen going was appreciated. The maids and butlers also required lunch, so we had to ensure that a steady supply of food came out, every few seconds. The evening services came, and things calmed down, somewhat. The kitchen staff were able to get few breaths of fresh air, and I was able to sit down after a whole day of not doing so. Lactic acid buildup isn’t good, ahah. 

The final service was actually rather busy, akin to the noon service. Executives of previous years and many maid cafe aficionados were invited. The maids and butlers also had to do a ball-style dance as well. The head maid came by the kitchen to help out with dessert decoration, which helped make things go by quicker. She did decorate a crepe meant for the preceding executive with something interesting, but the less said about that, the better. :V

My dinner after the final service; a crepe with strawberries and raspberry coulis.

The event ended at around 8.30 PM, and the place was cleared down throughout the next hour. The onsite leader had to return the fridge to his workplace, but would return to the Airbnb to sort things out. We returned there first, to find an alarming sight- All the lights were off, the back doors were open and we couldn’t see the offsite kitchen leader anywhere. We were afraid that something might have happened...but after venturing in, it turns out that a blackout occurred, and the leader was out-cold sleeping. Phew. The onsite leader returned, and we finished up with sweeping and mopping the place. I ended up reaching home at 12.30 PM, and woke up at 3 in the afternoon, hahah...

All in all, it was a lovely experience. Working with so many talented people, and satisfying a large crowd is something rather special. The butlers and maids were heart-melting and gave us time for us to get all the dishes out. The offsite kitchen leader was amazing, steamrolling through 2 days without sleep, and the onsite kitchen leader is a master with his desserts, making sure that everyone in the main kitchen is up to speed. 

This was wonderful experience for November’s upcoming exhibition, hmmhmm.

[awesomefastweightlossworld]

Today is the day!

You told yourself you'd hit to the gym after work. But work was more hectic than you thought. Now you're drained. You drive home, clean up a bit, but then you make the mistake of sitting down. You can feel your energy fading - along with your motivation.

You know you should get that workout in.

But the idea of dragging yourself to the gym is quickly turning into a pipe dream. You feel like you just can't get yourself to get up. So then you decide you'll workout tomorrow instead. But this too is questionable.

This cycle can go on for days... weeks... even months. And it's frustrating because part of us wants to work out, and knows we'll feel so much better once we do - but another part of ourselves would rather just crash on the couch.

So why do we procrastinate workouts?

Let's look at three culprits:

1. I'm Too Busy

2. I Don't Feel Like It

3. I Can't Wake Up In Time

1) I'm Too Busy

Have you found there are "more important" things to do than getting to the gym?

Maybe there's paperwork to catch up.

Maybe there are clothes to fold.

Maybe you have to make dinner.

The tricky part is all of those might be valid. All of those might be important. But those reasons can quickly turn into excuses. Especially if those same reasons stop you day after day.

2) I Don't Feel Like It.

Some days we just aren't in the mood.

We're tired.

We're stressed out.

We're not feeling motivated.

Because we're not in the right mood, we wait until a "better day" or when we're in a "better mood".

Behind this reason is often the belief that, "I need to be motivated before I act" - which is FAR from the truth. I've met many fit people and some days they are gung-ho and super-motivated but sometimes they aren't - but they work out anyway. Lack of motivation doesn't stop them.

3) I Can't Wake Up In Time

Mornings can be rough.

The alarm disrupts our perfect slumber. So we hit snooze once... twice... a dozen times until finally we frantically have to get ready for the day.

Maybe the bed is too cozy

Maybe it's too cold outside

Maybe you're too tired.

It can be tough waking up, especially if you're a night owl. Or if you're in the habit of snoozing your alarm clock. Sure - exercising in the morning has benefits. But if the mornings don't work, find a time that does. For some people, lunch hours or evening works much better for them.

So it could be any one of these or combination of these. Whatever the reason, let's look at two ways to prevent this cycle of procrastinating workouts.

Imagine The Finish Line

As you imagine your next workout, what comes to mind?

Do you imagine how pleasant and enjoyable it's going to be?

Do you think about how happy you're going be while doing it?

How much fun you're going to have?

Probably not. When most people imagine working out, they picture all sorts of unpleasant things. Their focus zooms in on the painful exercises... how hard it will be... how tired they'll be... how sore they'll be... everyone watching them...

It's easy to see how they talk themselves out of it.

Focusing on these things will make anyone unmotivated. But just like a photographer, you can adjust and shift your focus to other qualities of a landscape. More beautiful aspects. More inspiring aspects.

In fact, let's take a lesson from the Navy SEALS on this.

Years ago, the Navy SEALS were in a dilemma, 76% of their top candidates were dropping out.The Navy knew these recruits were more than capable, yet few were making the cut. So they called psychologist, Eric Potterat to figure out how to boost the recruits' mental toughness. Potterat created four habits (called The Big Four) that worked so well, it increased graduation rate by 50%!

One habit was known as "Imagining How Good It Will Feel".

When recruits needed a boost to keep them going through a brutal workout, he taught them to imagine successfully completing a workout. This allowed them to tap into powerful emotions like feeling successful and accomplishing something. And this allowed them to power through it.

Here's how you can use this:

Visualize A Successful Workout

Imagine yourself successfully completing the workout.

Think about how good that will feel at the end.

Feel that success and that accomplishment.

Even if it's just one workout, it's still an accomplishment.

Even if you can't perform as well as you used to, it's still an accomplishment.

Visualize it as best as you can.

Bring in as many senses as you can.

And you don't have to focus on the completing the entire workout. You can use this for certain parts of your workout; using something Potterat calls "segmenting."

In an interview with Business Insider, Potterat states:

"If you're thrust into a seemingly overwhelming, stressful situation, the best thing you can do is just kind of manage one step at a time and focus on what's controllable."

Pick out certain exercises and how they will feel once you've accomplished them.

For me, I don't enjoy doing pull ups. If I imagine doing pull ups, it's not very motivating. But if I imagine what it's like after completing pull ups, it's very motivating. Use it for certain exercises.

When you break it down like this, it's somewhat like crossing off items on a checklist. You can give yourself a surge of accomplishment by finishing each of those small steps.

Here are some additional aspects you can focus on:

When you're done how much more alert and energized will you feel?

How much more peace of mind will you have after the work out?

How much better will the rest of your day feel?

Do you think that feeling of accomplishment will carry with you the rest of the day?

5-Minute Commitment

Working as a fitness professional, I learned that the most successful clients had certain things in common.

One of which was the quantity of workouts they did on their own (called "off-day workouts"). In many cases, these would make or break people. You see, when people need to show up for a session with a trainer, they have accountability. So it's not too difficult to show up.

But it's a different story when they have to show up on their own.

So I gave them a challenge.

Even if you're tired.

Even if you don't feel like it.

Even if you're not motivated.

Even if you're not in the mood.

5-Minute Commitment

Workout for 5-minutes

If after five minutes you still aren't feeling it, then go home.

Well, guess what?

In most cases, they'll finish the entire workout. Instead of waiting for motivation to strike them like lightning, they acted their way into motivation. It's similar to the quote by William Butler Yeats, "Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking."

Commit yourself to just five minutes.

Worst-case scenario, you still accomplish a small workout.

Best-case scenario, you finish the entire thing.

For more ways to fight procrastination and boost your discipline to power through projects, workouts, and tasks - check out http://www.elitelifecoaching.net/procrastination-and-productivity

Article Source: https://EzineArticles.com/expert/Kelan_Ern/2505646

Article Source: https://ift.tt/2JYOGlt

[applesauce38]

bad BAD rough night monday. drank 4 gin sodas a mickeys and an oberon tall can ... blacked out in th parking lot behind lous and kept falling in the gravel and apologizing . thankfully some dudes drove me n chris back to his house .... chris was worse off than i was. he had to be carried into his house i managed to stumble in on my own :( oh and i must have hit my head rly hard on something bc i have a big contusion on my left temple ish area ... i don’t remember hitting my head but uhhh that’s getting black out drunk for ya . thankful i have a guardian angel who kept me safe ... i can’t and won’t keep doing that to myself it’s unfair and evil and i spend so much $ . i missed my lecture tuesday bc i couldn’t see straight and i think i was still drunk. i managed to get a quiz done and got 10/10 but it was so hard to read the words were swimming. i felt like death. i went straight to sarah’s at 6:30 when i woke up at christopher’s house .... i feel so bad for him . i know he’s going through a lot .. he gets so angry at the unfairness and badness of everything . went to sarah’s but stopped and got bad lattes and bad donuts first. she’s in love with me. i am not sure if i love her but i think about her a lot lately... i was kissing syoma and i couldn’t stop thinking about kissing sarah instead...that felt very weird. slept and cuddled w sarah for a couple hours / missed lecture...dragged myself to the library at about 11 or 12 and did that quiz ... felt like vom and left before i studied for a quiz in organic chem today. managed to drive home even tho i wanted to cry till i died . riv was home she was nice to me and i ate some hash browns , threw up , snacked some more , pet the cats and slept till 9:30 ... riv and i went to tacos bells and i had a spst beans and a diet pepsi ... went home and went back to bed ... today was hard but i’m doing it!! it took a couple snooze buttons to wake up but i got to valencia by 7:30 and had time to finish my organic hw due today and study for the quiz , also i got a parking decal .. called my mom she didn’t answer . i need to look inside myself more. no one can help me if i don’t help me too. waiting for class to start . i never feel good around my bday and this year is no exception... i was thinking i might have a party or do something w friends but i’m not . i’m 23 on the tenth and i feel like i am so slow and so hard all the time . feel like a burden to my mom . she loves me but she is worried that i am not going to figure it out. i want to figure it out! i want to be okay! i want to hurry up and finish my undergrad it feels like it’s been forever ... well it’s been 5 years and it’s gonna take 6 but i guess that’s just something i have to accept . started wearing deodorant bc i’ve been in public ... crazy how things change sarah is spiraling and as nice as it could be if we were together i can’t do it if she’s going to keep doing what she’s been doing . i only fall for addicts . riv has turned it around and i’m so proud of her for that. i am very up and down wrt my substance abuse . i want to NOT abuse substances it makes life hell . dad says addicts will always break your heart and it’s true i break my own heart...i think about monday night and i wonder why i would do that to myself . if christopher hadn’t been out i wouldn’t have been able to crash there and then what? i would have passed out in the parking lot behind lous and ABSOLUTE best case i sleep it off for a couple hours and then hobble to my car WORST case i’m assaulted and raped or killed or god knows what . i was in a little t shirt dress and i was wearing my little black leather backpack that flakes off the leatherette onto everything. i miss izzy i miss adam i feel bad but maybe things will be okay . i love you thank you my angel .

[shreyasken]

The Fallback

As usual, Apu woke up at 6:45 am. He checked his phone and realised that this is the first out of the three alarms he schedules on a weekday. One at 6:45 am, next at 7, and the last one at 7:15. 7:15 - that is the deadline for him to get up, otherwise he will be late for gym.

He pressed the snooze button and drifted back to sleep, thinking he will get up with the next alarm. He does as well. 7 am - good time to wake up. He got out of the bed, and folded his quilt. Then he held the loft, and pushed his body forward. The folding and the stretching are important to him. They lighten him up; motivate him for his next routine.

Thereafter, he brushed his teeth and undressed. He looked at himself in the full-length mirror, assured that yes, he is losing weight. He wore a light tee and basketball shorts, and walked towards the kitchen. Eating some dry fruits, he contemplated on getting a cup of black coffee. 'Caffeine early in the morning gives you an adrenaline kick, and makes you work harder than expected at the gym' - he had read somewhere. He decided against it, and started walking to the gym.

On one of these routine days, he correlated this walk to various sequences of a regular movie. Starting at his apartment - calm, peaceful, birds chirping around. Then a left turn, and here comes the butchers’ lane. The whole lane is lined up with meat selling shops (full of hues and cries of the animals) and garbage. These animals in the cages, as a collective, do not have an emotion. Some of them are not anticipating anything, as they do not know how a free animal’s life is supposed to be. But some of them have caught a glimpse of their friends getting cut into pieces, and are worried if today is their day. The shop owners do not sympathize with these animals. They are fresh, happy, and are looking forward to the day with a cup of tea in their hands. The sentiment of this road (according to Apu’s the-trip-to-gym-resembles-a-movie) is chaos, confusion and tension. This lane leads to the main road, wherein many humans appear. They are waiting at the bus stop, driving their cars, or are running towards their workplaces. This road represents the movie's high-paced climax, involving a million sidekicks of the villain and the hero, who tears every obstacle apart and reaches to his destination (in this case the gym). The gym, located in a quiet area, represents the end of the movie - beautiful scenery, happy people, and a better future. 

However, understand that Apu does not go through the whole emotional cycle everyday. This was a one-off thought. On a regular day, he plugs in his earphones and listens to his three favorite songs - ‘Alright’ by Kendrick Lamar, ‘Run the Jewels’ by Run the Jewels, and ‘These Walls’ again by Lamar. You might think that he listens to these high-energy songs to prepare himself for the gym, but that’s not the case. They do not affect him. Lately, nothing affects him at all, and that is what he has been aiming for from a long time.

The gym session is exhaustive and dreadful. In Apu's head it is a drag, but he tries to be optimistic about it. Apu is not a healthy guy, so he wears out in the first 20 minutes. The remaining 40-50 minutes is just pushing himself till the workout regime ends. The best thing to come out of the gym for Apu is going back home, looking at himself in the mirror again, and drinking his protein shake.

He then gets ready for work, and reaches office by 9:45. The 15 minutes early arrival is to eat breakfast at the office pantry. Work is good - Apu enjoys what he does, and gives in a 100%. He speaks to his colleagues politely, and keeps everything organised. His work, demanding and challenging, takes up around sixty percent of his work hours. The rest of his workday is spent in different activities - stalking people on social media, observing his females colleagues, and thinking about what would happen if he quit today.

People at his office start heading home at 6 sharp. Apu heads a vertical at the company, and has eight people working under him - young kids, fresh out of college. He does not want to portray himself as a strict superior, more of a ‘chill boss’ vibe. He never instructs the kids to stay back and work overtime, overachieve their targets. Everyone heads out of the office, except a few people including him. He reads, browses the Internet, and checks if there is any new email in his work folder to respond to.

Back home at 7:30 pm, he lies down on his bed for a while. The same questions cloud his head.

What the hell did I do all day today? Total waste!

Why am I doing this to myself?

Am I happy living this life?

Should I find a girl for myself? Life would be way more cheerful then. 

Maybe I need to relax. It’s just a matter of time. I will get into that business school I applied at, and then America! 

Let’s calm ourselves down. No need to find a girl for yourself. You are happy living alone. You love solitude.

Concentrate on 3 things right now - health, work, and dating. And B-school. Yes, 4 things.

9 pm. Wow, I wasted over ninety fucking minutes on these thoughts! Seriously need to get a life.

Dinner is another time consuming activity. Not having a cook makes things a little difficult for him. Either order some food, or eat some oats. Let’s order some food. I have eaten enough oats.

By 10:30 pm, Apu is ready to sleep. A good night’s sleep is necessary for him to perform at gym the next day.

Very important to go to the gym.

But he stays up till 11 pm, reading a book. This year he has promised himself to read two books a month - a whopping twenty-four books in the whole year! He is a bit behind schedule, but that’s ok. The trilogy is taking a bit of time, and maybe he can count it as three books instead of one.

What a beautiful fuckin’ life.  

** 

“Hey man! Come for dinner tonight. Birthday was on Tuesday, so thought will throw a party tonight.”

“Perfect! Will be there!”

Wow, he turned 28 this year! Time flies fast! I remember meeting this dude when we were 15 or something.

Yes, time flies fast. Look at Apu himself – He had the whole plan chalked out. Get out of college, work for two years, then write the management examination. Go to the best business school, work at a consulting firm for some time, and then move to the USA with wifey and kids. Though, things did not exactly move this way. He went through a boring desk job for 4 years. In this tenure he wrote the management examination twice, and failed every time. His girlfriend broke up with him because of his desk job and the delay in the career move. He quit shortly after, and moved to a small company. He and his girlfriend got back together for sometime, but broke up again.

Not her fault. She was not happy. I am taking too much time in moving up the corporate ladder.

Actually, the corporate ladder is fine. The ‘ladder of life’ would be a better description. Yes, I am taking a lot of time moving up the ladder of life.

People won’t wait for me. I need to make things happen. I need discipline, focus, and determination.

And hence, the rigorous schedule. 

At the dinner, Apu is cheerful. It’s been long since he met his friends who live in this part of the city. I should meet these guys often. We have seen so much together.

The friend initiates some small talk. “So how is it going? Work and life? All good?”

“Yeah, all ok.” Apu talks about his work. Then he mentions his daily schedule - how he is an early riser, and manages working out before work. He also talks about his personal life and the creative habits he is into post work hours.

“Wow. You get free by 7? That is unbelievable. I get done with work by 10, sometimes even 10:30!"

“Me too!” said the girl sitting next to him. The pretty one. 

“Yeah man. I have never seen the city at 10 actually. You know how it is at Investment Banking. I have a lot on my plate, so I usually get out of office around 11!” said the fat guy with the spectacles. 

“Hmm. Yes, I have some liberties. It is easy to finish work and get out of office early. Though my last job was tough - just like you guys.” Apu says. 

He realised he should not have said this. Why am I justifying? It is good to get free early and go home. Do something productive, creative. Why do not people understand that?  

Or is it? Maybe my job is not that great! What am I doing anyway? The company does not even make a difference in the lives of more than 50 people on this planet. Wow, I am clearly not doing enough.

Apu books a cab and goes back home, a bit remorseful about the whole evening. The cab driver was listening to some Hindi radio channel.

"Can you turn the volume down a bit?" Apu asks the driver. 

"Oh, sure sir." The music almost fades out.

The next morning, the first alarm buzzes. Fuck it.  

Then the next one goes abuzz. Oh c’mon ! Just let me sleep. 

The third one. Just shut the fuck up. I can miss the gym at least a day in the whole week.

First of the many to come.