#might self reblog some of the recent stuff to test waters

[memen18-m5r3]

VICTORY ROYALE

[diabolikmosquito]

Tag Game because I have no self-restraint

@the-mostdiabolik-of-lovers posted this one with permission for anyone to tag themselves so obviously I’m gonna take it and run. My asks are empty and I’ve been craving ask games and surveys lately, sue me. Putting it under a cut so I don’t clog anyone’s dash!

Gender: Female Star sign: Taurus Current time: 8:15 PM, though it’ll prolly be later by the time I finish typing this all out. Favorite song artists: Don’t make me choose. A lot of my favorite music is instrumental OST’s, though an instrumental artist or two that I love are ones like Jami Sieber, Brambles, Otto A Totland, and Joep Beving. For non-instrumental.. there’s a lot. Ellise, SYML, Nico Collins, Frank Sinatra, and Bohnes are a few I’ve had in some playlists lately, but there’s way too many.  Favorite songs: This is harder than the last one and I am not obligated to answer it. (’: But if you’re someone who reads my samples or threads, you might find some of my favorite OST’s/mood musics that suit the post/hint at something hidden in there. Song stuck in your head: Again, these change so often daily it’s hard to pick one, but a handful include A Little Messed Up by june, Dance Monkey (the slowburn edit), and way more OST’s than are healthy. (Highlights for that include the original Medievil soundtrack, which for some reason reminds me of Castlevania at times.) Last movie you saw: Birds of Prey! I almost didn’t go due to not feeling great, so I’m glad I bucked up and saw it with some friends. Last thing I googled: If you ignore the numerous Castlevania-related things in the last 24 hours, then it’s “cat keeps sneezing.” If not, then it’s “castlevania vampire generals” because being totally frank, I didn’t even know the generals with no lines in the first two seasons had names until recently. Other blogs: I haven’t been on it in ages and actually forgot the password, but once I get on that I’ll get back to you. xD Do you get asks? Not really, but I stick around for the people who’re kind enough to take that interest! I keep all the ask/rp prompts tagged neatly in links on my profile so if someone new comes by one day and wants to interact, it’ll be easy for them to. Reason for your url: The original concept for Pepper was very much a mosquito-like cryptid created for a certain purpose, hence the mosquito. The diabolik part is because I originally joined Tumblr to find a community for Diabolik Lovers (due to some other writing sites being very.. standoffish if you don’t write canons/don’t exclusively write gay ships), but now it’s just all kinds of vampire hell. Once I actually get into some more vampy verses you can bet I’ll be writing/reblogging stuff from those as well! and yes I am looking for more recommendations in that vein (heh, puns) if anyone has some. Average amount of sleep: Erm.. 3-12 hours. During the week it’s about 3-5, and weekends is sometimes my “catch up” time where I still stay up quite late, but actually sleep in to let my body get some rest. Lucky number: It’s always been 9, and it tends to come up a lot in odd places so I might have to stick with it. Currently wearing: An old super comfy high school t-shirt and shorts, complete with a coat of long hair courtesy of my cat who was just laying on me. Dream job: Honestly? Still figuring that out. I’m going on a clinical psych track at the moment, but I’ve been doing a bit of soul-searching and testing to see if I’m actually strong enough for the therapist/clinician route I was originally after. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough just yet to settle into a job where I could very well have to help abusers in their early stages, something that I have no doubt will be upsetting to me personally. I’m a bit of an empath at times so it’d be excellent for the job, but I also feel I’d take it home with me which is dangerous. I don’t feel like I’m smart enough for psychology research on regular basis, though, so I have some thinking to do. Thankfully I’m still getting my bachelor’s so it’s not like I’m hard-pressed to immediately figure it out. On a lighter note, smol me was very much convinced I would be a marine biologist due to my love of the ocean and my skill in scuba diving, but that evaporated when research told me they travel nonstop and frequent travel makes me anxious Dream trips: I’ve been on a cruise a couple times and the experiences were honestly life-changing for one odd reason or another, be it how that time had me interact with my family and the things I got to see and experience. There’s a strange sense of freedom, even though you’re mostly confined to a boat. I’d love to visit Ireland and Germany since it’s where almost my entire family come from and often the landscape is beautiful, and since our culture’s kind of been watered down after a few generations living here I’d like to connect with that. Favorite foods: I have like 2-3 cups of tea in a day and keep exploring all kinds of new types, so that’d probably be it literally. Ones that I idealize in my head though wheeze would probably be things like steak, or scallops, or a specific kind of ice cream shaved ice thing I had once that legitimately made me tear up because it was so good.  Play any instruments? I tried to pick up the coronet in grade school since my dad played the trumpet and I thought it’d be fun, but I had some trouble memorizing the order of notes for songs, and it all kind of fell apart after an instructor dented up my instrument with a drumstick and tried to refuse to apologize/pay for it. (Yes, seriously, but that’s a story for another time. xD)

Of course I’ll pass the blessing and say anyone who wants to do this absolutely should, but I’m also gonna tag @sherbetcoloured , @natacular , @lachrymosestorm , and @l-e-w-d-y (provided they’d like to do it, of course)

[spnfanficpond]

February 2019 Pond LiveChat Recap

We had a great time chatting today with @impala-dreamer!! Thank you so much, Beka, for joining us!

We talked about self-publishing through Amazon, how to do it, what the benefits are, and the challenges to making a finished product. A rundown of the chat, as well as some general Pond news, is below the cut!

Q: What sort of music do you listen to when you write?

Beka: Oh, uh... Well, Actually, I have a lot of playlists on youtube. So it depends. I have a hardcore smut list that is just music that gets my hips moving... then a romance thing which is feely stuff. A "Deanspiration" list that oddly has zero Zepplin in it, just stuff that reminds me of him or gives me ideas. Sometimes I hear a song and it instantly snaps an idea. I write to music a lot.

Q: For everyone, do you reblog everything you read or do you think likes have the same “power” behind them?

Beka: No. If I read it, I reblog, unless it’s iffy. Iffy means, I read it, but wasn’t up my alley or I think it would be too triggering for people. I avoid those types of fics, anyway.

@mrswhozeewhatsis: There is a very small percentage of things I read that I won't reblog, but then, I haven't really read them, I've noped out for one reason or another. Usually grammar/formatting or content, not writing style, to be clear.

@girl-with-a-fandom-fettish: I guess one reason I suck at reblogging is a lot of the stuff I read has nothing to do with what is currently reblogged on my blog and that just doesn't match in my very matchy brain...is that just me?

@mrswhozeewhatsis: I believe that everyone should be able to put on their blog what they want. Some folks see their blog as a collection like in a museum. Some folks, like me, see it as more of a news feed. Collectors are less likely to reblog because they're carefully curating their blog. My advice to collectors is to then make a side blog where you can reblog the things you don't want to collect.

Q: What’s the biggest challenge you find in writing?

Beka: I think the biggest challenge for me is writing in the moment. I can't write if it's not flowing, and sometimes I try to force myself just to get the story out bc i fear i'm letting people down by not posting enough? But it’s not good when I do that, so I have to let myself go with the story that's with me at the moment. Sometimes it's two at once, like today. lol. Also, Sam is hard. (heheh no really, he is. also he is. but pg13)

Q: There are so many questions to about this process!

Beka: I do really get asked about it a lot, and it's really not that hard once you do it. It's annoying to navigate and decide what you want to do, but it really is awesome and not too frustrating. Amazon is really great because they do have an extensive help section AND message boards so you can ask and talk to other self publishers so it's like having someone with you.

Q: You said you chose to publish through Amazon. Out of curiosity, were there any other ways you heard about or considered before you settled on Amazon, and if so, was there a specific reason you didn't use them?

Beka:  I'm basically a Google fanatic, so when I decided to do this, I had no idea what I was doing so basically I goggled "How to self publish a book" and there were THOUSANDS of sites thrown at me. I honestly can't remember the other sites I looked at, but it basically came down to amazon was a company name I knew, I trusted, and had the best help and resources. And I have a kindle, so I figured that was easiest. I think I only looked into one or two others but I can't remember what they were. Amazon just stood out.  I did read up on like actually doing it yourself like through a book binder and all that and it was SOOOO much work this was just the easiest and most cost effective.

Q: Okay, but with Amazon, do they, like, own part of your content if you publish through them?

Beka: NOPE. I hold copyright to all my works. they just are the people who produce the actual physical book.

Q: What was the time frame, like from start to finish, I guess? Or the process if you don't mind. What did you have to do to get set up with Amazon?

Beka: Ok- so getting set up was easy. if you have an amazon account, you're good. Or you just make one. then there is a website- kdp.amazon.com -and they literally walk you through the entire process.  Someone up there asked how long it took -  I rushed it. my novel started as fanfic, which I wrote in about 2 months, then I took 2 weeks re-editing and changing to non-fanfic, then about a week editing again and formatting and then i had my hard copy. So, all in- maybe 3 months, but the actual amazon stuff takes a few days to get you a book in hand.

@kittenofdoomage: One thing I will say about Amazon, it's very convenient but I struggled with the covers and formatting.

Q: Did you have to use special software to submit your work?

Beka: I write in google docs, but amazon no likey- so I had to move everything over to Microsoft Word. and from there it gets updated. HOWEVER, there is now in beta testing an amazon program which I downloaded for my 3rd book but was too frustrated to figure out so I never used it. it's specifically for Kindle, but kindle didn't like my poetry format so I couldn’t do it.

@kittenofdoomage: They have step by step guides. And I use Google Docs, too, but you can download into a PDF or .doc file from there.

Q: So it's not a copy-paste thing, you upload the completed file then reformat it for amazon?

Beka: well... it's two different things for paperback and kindle. There are specific formatting guidelines for paperback such as margin sizes and gutters and such so when you turn a page it's not all wonky. Kindle formatting is MUCH easier to do. you just upload and it does it for you. The files for paperback need to be formatted with specific things. it's not hard... just annoying.

Q: You mentioned changing your fanfic into non-fanfic. Does that mean you can't have any fan elements in a story to publish it?

Beka: Well... my novel was basically a J2 x Reader BDSM fanfic, and so I changed J2 to original characters, I changed the show, the car, the everything. If you know that I write SPN fic, and you read it, you can see it's clearly SPN, but those who don't know SPN don't know that, because I've asked. lol. Also- someone read it recently and thought the Jared character was Jensen, so I guess I changed it enough.  I personally would not publish anything that actually said SPN or J2 or anything because those are copy-written characters and not mine so it does seem illegal to make money off of them, ya know? 

@mrswhozeewhatsis: It is actually illegal to make money off of fan fiction. The WB owns the characters and the show. If anyone else tries to make money off the characters or identifiable elements of the show, the WB can sue and win.

@kittenofdoomage: Those who use Patreon are covered under fair usage only because Patreon is a donation site.

Q: Were there any parts of the process that surprised you?

Beka:  Honestly, the entire thing surprised me. I went into it like just to see if it was possible and then i realized- I CAN’T publish my work. they WILL sell it. People WILL buy it. and it was all very shocking. It was scary, and I know people are intimidated by it, but it really was simple in the end, and if you want to do it- do it. It's awesome to look over at my bookshelf and see my name on actual, physical books ya know?

@kittenofdoomage: I was the same, Beka. I procrastinated for months. And okay, it wasn't a huge success but I learned from the first time, bettered myself the second time, and now.... I'm procrastinating again but that's not the point lol

Q: How much money do you make per sale?

Beka: It depends on the format and the cost you put. Like, for my short story and poetry book I make PROBABLY a few cents on it. My novel I make around $2 depending on the price I set. You set the selling price, and you can do sales and freebies. 

@kittenofdoomage: You can choose everything. They tell you how much you'll make from each copy sold.

Q: Do they tell you how much other authors sell similar works for, to give you an idea what others think is reasonable?

Beka: Yeah, you can look it up, too. They have a chart that's like, "This is your sale price. This is how much we take to make it. This is how much you get," and you can fiddle with it.

Q: Is there any kind of marketing happening on Amazon’s side, or is it all you?

Beka: They can do promotions, but you have to pay them to promote it.

Q: Did you look into promotion costs through Amazon? What kind of money are we talking, here?

Beka: Honestly, I don’t remember. When I see a fee of any kind I run for the hills because I'm cheap like that. lol. It's prob not too cheap BUT they also have this thing you can sign up for that's like a library kinda deal where your book can go on the free book a month kindle deal- i didn't do it bc you don't get royalties for it. but more people read it? idk what's best. It's all very over my head marketing.

@mrswhozeewhatsis: I guess if you're looking to become a popular selling author, and you have the cash to pay to promote it, then after a few books, it would pay off when you develop an audience.

Q: Do you think self publishing is the way to go long term, or maybe a better in terms of testing the waters? I realize you are still in the latter stage but I'm curious about your opinion...

Beka: Here's my thoughts: I used to be a singer/songwriter. I played in Manhattan. I had paying gigs. I recorded an album. I thought I could make it work. But I didn't go for it. No one handed me a record contract. I let it all go to have my kids and family.  I want to write. I realize no one's gonna stick their hand out and hand me a publishing deal. BUT I might be able to pay some bills with my books. I might be able to write enough, well enough to sell some books. and if i sell enough books, maybe a publisher WILL see me and then I can attempt the next stage.  I think self publishing is great. Why not? Do it if you want to do it. If you want to write, write. If you want to share it, share it. Who's to stop you? And if you can share it through self publishing with people all over the world?? freaking do it, man. 

Q: What is your best piece of writing advice?

Beka: OK, my best writing advice is... See it, feel it, write it. If you don't feel what you're writing, I'm not gonna feel it reading it. I think i'm more of an emotional writer than a descriptive. I can't tell you what the room looks like that they're in, but I can tell you how it feels that Dean just stepped on that Lego. ya know? Idk. Write what you see and feel, and put yourself into it, and it'll be amazing. 

Q: Are you a planner or a pantser?

Beka: Planner? SOMETIMES. It depends. I have plans for series, but shorter things I just go with the flow. I'm constantly messaging Ashley like "DEAN JUST DID X. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!" lol

Q: Do you outline at all, or just have a general goal in mind?

Beka: I do outline series. but not... strictly or drastically. Like, right now i'm working on a series for my kink bingo that's alternates between the brothers. I have a general plot line over all to follow, but i've also set it up like c1- flogging. c2- spanking, etc. 

Q: What is something you know now that you wish you knew before you published?

Beka: I think I'd tell myself to not worry and just freaking write what I want.

Q: Do you have a writing schedule or something that keeps you productive?

Beka: No. I try very hard to have a schedule, but I'm a little... slightly... bipolar I think and my writing follows my moods. I can write 20K in a weekend and then nothing for a week. I just literally ride the wave of ideas. Like, currently I'm in a slump. but I wrote 10K this week before the slump hit. It's quite annoying.

Except for some general conversation about the stupid places and times we all get ideas and the incomprehensible notes we’ve all left for ourselves, the chat ended. A good time was had by all, I think!! Thanks to everyone who was there! @littlegreenplasticsoldier @kittenofdoomage @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish @because-imma-lady-assface @canadianspnhunter (And two folks whose URLs I never got: Cassie and Shaila)

General Pond Updates and Reminders

Angel Fish Award nominations are due soon! Click the link for the list of raffle prizes! Remember, every nomination is an entry! So far, we’ve only received three or four nominations. If you have sent in a nomination, but have not received a private message confirming we received it, we didn’t get it. Send it in again! Be sure to use Submit instead of Ask!

Don’t forget to submit your stories to be posted to the blog! When your stories are on the blog, then they are easier to nominate for Angel Fish Awards!

SPNFanFicPond Season 14 Weekly Episode Writing Challenge - New prompts go up after every new episode, and there’s no deadline! Check out the prompts and rules at the link!

Say hi to February’s New Members!

Check the Pond CALENDAR to see when Big Fish will be in the chat room and other Pond and SPN events are happening! Know of something that’s not on the calendar, send us an ask or submission with the deets info details!  The calendar offers a lot of features, such as showing you when things are in your own timezone! Since we’re an international group, that’s a definite plus!!

Next month’s LiveChat details will be published as soon as we know them! Hope to see you there!

[thelunarbond]

OC questions time with Phoenix

A few days ago I reblogged this post with some questions to help with characterisation, and I wanted to write it out here with Phoenix as he’s my main oc! Here we go...

1) On a scale of “is occasionally forced to bathe” to “Instagram model with sponsors to hoe for” how involved is your OC’s Skincare routine?

Phoenix hates showering, especially when his anxiety is high. He still does it as often as possible, and he uses moisturiser and proper face wash, and that’s about it. He still barely grows facial hair despite the fact that he’s 19 years old. The rest of the Lunar Bond get jealous of him because he rarely gets acne or rough skin and he doesn’t even try

2) What are your OC’s food preferences (flavors/textures/spiciness/calories/ when and how they eat) and how did they get that way?

Phoenix is the least fussy eater ever and will eat almost anything. However, his preference is crunchy foods and/or spicy food. He doesn’t really have a preference with calories. He’s not very good at self care, so Phoenix’s diet normally consists of cereal and cup noodles for virtually every meal, as he never remembers to feed himself or remembers to buy food in the first place. (He might occasionally sneak out of bed to eat some shredded cheese at 5am too)

3) What’s something pointless/petty/unimportant that IRRATIONALLY ANNOYS THE HELL out of your OC?

Anything vaguely unsatisfying. Things such as when people cut wrapping paper and it rips, or when people draw with a ruler and it goes loose so the line isn’t straight, things like that. (Side note: Phoenix definitely watches satisfying compilations or soap cutting videos on YouTube)

4) What’s your OC’s response to being asked for money by a homeless person?

Fear, as he never carries cash or change on him (when he has money at all). He puts all his money on his bank card, and he knows he can’t transfer it to the homeless person. He gets scared that it would lead to the homeless person being angry or upset with him. And he feels bad that he could have done something to help someone

5) Does your OC get lost easily? What do they do when they do get lost?

Phoenix doesn’t get lost very easily as he never goes to places he hasn’t been to before. However, when he moved from the countryside to Westerlyn City he got lost all the time, and his response is a lot of fear (and probably a panic attack). When he would get lost he’d rely on his phone for directions and hope he wasn’t going to be lost forever

6) What would STOP your OC from Doing The Right Thing in a tense situation?

Answered here!

7) Realistically, could your OC (in their normal circumstances- i.e. at their own house/battlecamp/spaceship etc.) keep a small child alive for a week if they had to?  A Dog?  A Houseplant? A rock with a  smiley face painted on?

Phoenix has been taking care of his little brother for years up until recently. He’s incredibly good at caring for other people or pets and making sure they are well, but he isn’t very good at looking after himself (probably because he’s too distracted while thinking about the other person/animal etc). He also has multiple houseplants in his home that are thriving

8) If your OC had to take the S.A.T. tomorrow with one night to prep, how would they do?  both emotionally and academically.

Academically, Phoenix would do amazingly well. He has the highest IQ out of anyone in the Lunar Bond; he picks up information very quickly and is good at retaining it. His emotional well-being in that situation is a whole other story. Phoenix doesn’t believe he’s very good at anything. And he doesn’t think he’s particularly clever, no matter how many high test scores he gets. He would spend all night drinking energy drinks and studying, and freaking out that he’s going to fail and everyone’s going to be disappointed in him. He’d probably also be a big puddle of anxiety on the day of the test as well

9) What would cause your OC to chose to do something petty/pointlessly cruel?

Nothing. Phoenix is terrified of upsetting or angering people. No matter how many cruel or petty pranks are pulled on him, he doesn’t lash out as he’s scared of having an argument. If it’s constant, he might eventually yell at the person in question that what they’re doing is unfair, but it takes a lot to reach that point

10) On a scale of “Complete and Justified nervous breakdown” to “Conquer The Entire Galaxy and become an Immortal God-Emperor”, how well would your OC handle being abducted by Aliens?

Very very badly. He would have a total mental breakdown. He’d spend the whole time thinking he was going to die

11) What song is 100% guaranteed to get your OC beyond turnt and will be sung loudly and embarrassingly, either in public or the shower?

Pompeii by Bastille. Phoenix loves songs that he can sing along loudly to and are still calming in nature. He doesn’t really like “thumping” songs, such as songs with heavy bass or techno songs, as he thinks they’re too noisy. But he’d 100% sing along with a song like Pompeii in the shower at least (probably not in public though)

12) What perfectly-normal-to-them-thing does your OC do that confuses/pisses off/terrifies their neighbours?

He doesn’t really do anything that would piss them off as he’s scared of being confronted, but they would be confused by the fact that he leaves and goes back into his house constantly before he goes out to buy groceries. He’ll open the door, take about 2 steps outside and then go back in and stay there for another 10 minutes, still wearing his coat. He’ll leave the house again and walk to the end of the street and walk back, shut the door and not come out for 20 minutes, and it continues like that. To Phoenix, it’s his normal routine as he’s not sure if he’s too anxious to go into a store and buy groceries. In the end, after leaving and going back into his house about 5 or 6 times he’ll order his groceries online, and leave his neighbours very confused

13) Under what circumstances would your OC appear naked in public?

Only if it was life or death. If going naked in public would save his life or someone close to him he’d do it. But nothing else would make him do something like that

14) What thing did your OC’s parents do that your OC wishes they had a better explanation for?

This question is kinda confusing and I honestly don’t know how to answer it, sorry😅

15) How often does your OC “zone out” or do things on autopilot and how severe have the problems that have arisen from that been?

He zones out all the time. Multiple times a day he’ll start daydreaming, and something he does on autopilot is make cups of tea. The amount of times he’s nearly died as a result of his daydreaming is unreal. He still doesn’t stop his daydreaming while he’s in public, no matter how many times this has happened. His autopilot tea making has resulted in multiple occasions of him finding random cups of tea of different flavours around his house that he’s made, taken one sip out of, and left to go cold somewhere

16) How strong or weak is your OC’s Impulse control? What’s the worst thing that happened because of their Impulsivity or inability to be so?

Answered here!

17) How does your OC sabotage themselves? 

A better question for Phoenix would be how he doesn’t sabotage himself. He’s the worst at self care, he’s never told someone he’s had a crush on that he loves them, trouble constantly seems to seek him out... someone help him

18) What’s the trashiest item in your OC’s wardrobe, when was the last time they wore it and why do they still have it?

Phoenix doesn’t really own embarrassing clothes but the trashiest thing he owns is an ancient oversized shirt that he’s had for many years; he lounges around the house in it (and sometimes wears it to the store when he occasionally braves the store). It’s covered in holes, stains and rips, the print is completely cracked and peeling and it’s about 4 sizes too big. And the last time Phoenix wore it was yesterday, because he refuses to throw it away (he claims he’s had it too long to throw it away) 

19) How Dehydrated is your OC right now? Are they going to fix this?

How hydrating is tea? Because he hasn’t had a glass of water for about 6 hours but he’s had 4 cups of tea and he’s making himself another one

20) What’s your OC smell like?  no, not that “Vanilla and Anxiety” evocative stuff, realistically.  Body odour? what have they been touching all day? When was their last shower? Did they put on any kind of artificial scent?

Phoenix’s last shower was yesterday, so the smell of his body wash has faded a little. It’s scented like lemon and tea tree, and he still smells like it a little bit. Perfumes or aftershaves irritate his skin so he doesn’t wear them. His fingers smell like the pages of the second hand adventure books he’s been reading all day. The smell of the scented candles he has also lingers on him a little, and they’re scented like black cherry

[broken--dreams]

I posted 130 times in 2021

10 posts created (8%)

120 posts reblogged (92%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 12.0 posts.

I added 11 tags in 2021

#diet - 3 posts

#bdd - 2 posts

#body dysmorphia - 2 posts

#anaboy - 1 posts

#truth - 1 posts

#weight loss - 1 posts

#omad weight loss - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 16 characters

#omad weight loss

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Dysmorphia

Symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder:

–  Fixation on a real or imagined bodily imperfection

* I'm fat. 5'9" 195 lbs. Check.

–  Engaging in behaviors to minimize or hide the perceived flaw

* Avoid social situations. Check.

–  Engaging in activities such as exercising or getting plastic surgery to try to “fix” the flaw

* Exercise. Dieting. Dressing in baggy clothes. Check.

–  Obsession with or avoidance of mirrors

* Big time check.

–  Repetitive grooming activities or compulsive touching, checking or measuring of the flaw

* Weigh myself several times a day. Check.

–  Frequent thoughts about appearance

* "I want to be thin.." refrain in my head. Check.

–  Avoidance of social situations

* Social? What's that? Check.

–  Repeatedly asking others for their opinions of appearance

* Afraid to ask. They might tell me.

–  Belief that others are taking special notice of the flaw

* Only that they would if I didn't hide it.

–  Feelings of depression, disgust, low self-esteem and anxiety.

* Check, Check and Check.

***

Do I want to be 'cured'? No. I do not want to take a happy pill and be ok with what I am. I don't want to get therapy and become accepting of what I am. I want to find the will power to do enough exercise, and enough restricting to get thinner.

1 notes • Posted 2021-10-22 17:42:42 GMT

#4

Overweight ED.

Read recently that only 6% of ED sufferers are underweight.

OK. If I'm going to be miserable with an ED anyway, how do I get to be one of the skinny ones?

3 notes • Posted 2021-08-08 13:49:32 GMT

#3

I hate my body...

I hate that I have no will power to change.

I have some high school kids that work for me. One is a bit of a nerd. He asked in the group while we were weeding, "Should I get an STD test?" And explained that he was concerned that the type of girl he had screwed made this possible from the other partners she had taken.

I never had the courage even to talk to a girl in high school. Barely talked to boys, and then only if we shared a nerd interest. I was uncool, and didn't talk to the cool kids. I was fat. I was weak. I couldn't a single pullup. Couldn't do 10 pushups. I was slow. In grade 9 I did a single 9 minute mile and thought I was going to barf all my cookies. I never went to the swimming pool because I was too embarrassed to take off my shirt.

In Grade 9 P.E. we had group showers. I would go in carefully looking anywhere but at all the other exposed skin, shower as fast as I could, dress dripping wet, and scuttle out.

In sports I was *always* last pick. So I didn't do sports.

Poverty and a paper route meant I had a good excuse to not participate in after school activities. Walking/Biking to school meant I didn't have to deal with kids on the bus.

I did outdoor stuff. I got somewhat more fit, at least in terms of long endurance things.

In my last year in college I was down to 145 pounds (I'm 5' 8") Probably the fittest I've ever been, certain the lightest since I was 10 years old.

3 notes • Posted 2021-06-29 11:58:35 GMT

#2

Do I / You have an ED?

Good question.

Signs you might have an E.D.

* You think about food. A lot. Food is in your mind more than sex. (which for a guy is saying something)

* You think about diet a lot. You keep mental notes on your crapping, your peeing, because each time that's some weight gone temporarily. You have second thoughts about drinking before bed, because it will impact the morning weigh. (Don't do this. Water doesn't stick around)

* You weigh yourself several times a day.

* You keep spreadsheets and graphs of your weight loss journey.

* You count exercise. You feel guilty when you don't get your 20,000 steps in.

While it doesn't get much play as this, I think ED is a spectrum disease.

* Anyone who tries several new diets a year has a mild case.

* Anyone who is obese is somewhat more serious.

* The person who is purging several times a week has a more serious case.

* The teenage girl with a BMI of 13 has a life threatening case.

Anorexia is a type of ED, and probably the most immediately deadly.

But consider:

* Purging wrecks your esophagus and destroys your teeth. (neutralize the vomit before you vomit. Baking soda is your friend.)

* Obesity puts you at much higher risk of heart disease, stroke, diabetes.

ED's often come with some form of body dysmorphia (I hate how I look) Along with the thinspo pictures come unrealistic expectations of what a person can look like.

Face it, some of us are never going to be pretty boys. Some of us will never be dainty girls.

As a guy with a BMI of 29 who wants to lose 50 pounds and get to a BMI of 20, I look for male thinspo. When find it, I post it on reddit's /r/mailthinspo. But almost all of the male thinspo are really young people. I'm not that good at age estimation, but many are in their late teens, and few are even 30. Try finding a picture of a skinny 60 year old. You can find 60 yr old body builders, but not gymnasts.

4 notes • Posted 2021-10-31 15:10:08 GMT

#1

Losing weight sensibly and a rant against most ana-tips.

How many posts have you seen about ED people who have been playing the ana game for years but are still around, still playing, yoyo-ing between a bunch of pounds over weight and a bigger bunch overweight.

You know what we call people who succeed at the ana-game? Corpses. Dead people.

You cannot live on 500 calories a day for a long period of time. Go onto google images and search for holocaust survivors. These people were living on 800 to 1200 calories per day and *still* they were dying.

How many people start an X day fast? And guess what happens when they break down, or finish? Binge city.

If you are a 150 pound person at 25% body fat. you can lose about 1 pound a week with few health consequences. That's a 500 calorie deficit per day.

Deficit. Not total. If someone your age, sex, height, weight has a TDEE of 2300 calories per day. (See https://www.sailrabbit.com/bmr/ for TDEE) Then you eat 1800 per day to SLOWLY lose weight.

Remember: You didn't get fat overnight. You won't get thin overnight either.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

There is no end

What?

If you start dieting, it doesn't stop when you reach your goal weight. It just lessens in intensity.

If you have to count calories every day and weigh every day to lose weight, as soon as you stop, you WILL gain again. So many stories of people who took two years to lose a hundred pounds -- and regained it in 4 months.

***

Second thing: Your body constantly breaks down protein and puts it back together. Your body can also turn protein into energy. This is why you need a certain amount of protein per day. Replace the stuff that got burned by mistake.

Now if you are in a calorie deficit, you are going to burn more of the protein while it's in the dissasmebled, partially reassembled state. (Visualize a bunch of Despicable Me minions that are assigned the job of fueling the boiler. They are told to bring back glucose molecules, but if they can't find one, they bring back an amino acid instead.)

Net result: When you are on a diet, the deficit is made up from protein and fat. So eat extra protein when you are trying to lose weight. The faster you are trying to lose, the more protein you need. Aim or .75 gram per pound of body weight. 1 gram/lb won't hurt. Milk protein powder and egg whites, soy protein are ways to increase protein without huge increases in calories -- important if you share meals with other people.

***

A better way:

This is more complicated, and requires a spreadsheet.

A: Track date, your daily calories, and your weight on a spreadsheet. After a week, enter a formula in column E E8=Average(B2:B8)

Do a similar column for F:. These two columns are your average calories for the previous week, and your average weight for the previous week. These help smooth out the variations in weight from different hydration, bowel movements, water retention from salty food. And it also smooths out the occasional sin in what you eat.

B: Use this calculator https://www.bizcalcs.com/body-fat-navy/ to find your body fat percentage. Let's say I weigh 200 pounds, and that when I put in the numbers here, I find I have a body fat percentage of 30%. That means I have 60 pounds of fat. Now I know I need some fat, but I'm going to aim for 10% BF. That means I have 40 lbs of unwanted fat.

C: I can safely lose 3% of my fat per week. 3% of 40 = 1.2 lbs. This means instead of losing 1 pound per week, I can lose 1.2 pounds per week. 600 cal/day deficit instead of 500.

D: Periodically I remeasure, and recalcuated. Some time has passed. I am now at 180 pounds. My new body fat percentage is 24% I have 43 pounds of fat. 23 of them unwanted. So now I can lose 3% of 23 = 0.7 lbs/week

See the full post

17 notes • Posted 2021-10-18 20:46:43 GMT

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[oldadastra]

Night falls: losing myself in the dark

Sometime last year, a funny post listing the Myers Briggs personality types of characters in The Force Awakens made the rounds. I happily reblogged it, partly because it made me laugh, but mostly because I was tickled that the OP had labeled Kylo Ren as INFP, the same type as me.

Comments on the original post expressed doubt that Ben Solo could be this personality type, and of course, this is an analysis of a fictional character, so it’s silly at its base. Nevertheless, Star Wars has always presented a lens through which we can explore elements of our culture and ourselves, so I found it useful to think about.  

To me, the INFP assignment felt like it could be true; an introverted type, driven my deeply-held beliefs, with a tendency to go all in on causes which felt important. An ability to see multiple positions on an issue. Emotional, moral, poetic, impractical.

Without going too far into the weeds of personality tests and types, here’s a link to a test I took recently, and a link to the description of the INFP personality type.If you aren’t familiar with or interested in the Myers Briggs, you’ll probably want to scroll on, as this post is going to focus on politics and my own struggles to come to terms with the dark, using Ben Solo as my metaphor.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot in recent weeks, as the political environment grows darker here in the United States. Each day unleashes some new horror in our civic realm, and I feel myself getting lost in the gathering darkness. 

A little bit about myself: Most people who read my stuff know I’m old within the fandom (I’m 50). Here’s what I do for a living; for most of the past 25 years I’ve worked as a sculptor (in collaboration with my husband), creating artwork for pubic spaces. It’s an arts job that has taken us to diverse communities around the US where our process is to spend time listening to people to try to understand what makes their particular place special or important to them. We then create artwork which makes those values visible; inviting people to spend time together in their shared civic spaces, and hopefully, creating a more inclusive, beautiful, and lively environment in our towns and cities. Our work shows up in libraries, town squares, universities, transit stops, veterans homes, hospitals, parks, and other public spaces.

In my spare time, I’m part of our town plan commission, and president of the village merchant’s association. I lead rural arts activities, help out at our local museum, history festival and art fair, teach community education classes, and rescue stray and feral kittens. In short; I try to be a nice person, not an asshole.

To use a Star Wars analogy (which also works for me as a self-identified witch): I serve the light. I always have.

Until lately.

Aside: If you want to know more about me and the place where I live, here’s a link to an article in Politico in which me (and a bunch of my neighbors) are quoted at length. It was published on the day of the Inauguration. 

Here’s a picture of me, taken by the photojournalist who came out to document my little part of the world. It was a sunny morning, about 15 below zero F, and I am feeding my sheep:

  What does it feel like when a good heart goes bad?

I have lots of time to think while I’m caring for my flock of sheep and goats. and occasionally, insight strikes while I’m working at these mundane tasks. My whole Bloodline thesis? While flinging hay. The convictions that show up in my Jedi Killer essay? Hauling buckets of water to and fro. The explorations of the new saga as a possible meditation on universal themes of war and an exploration of moral injury? Those were late-night ruminations during lambing season last spring. 

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the American political situation, and my response to it. I’ve been working on an essay about the ways in which Rogue One provides templates for contemporary resistance, but this other thing has been in the way, and I need to write about it first: the darkness. 

One of my friends, another handspinner who is also a therapist, was the one who told me to take a Myers Briggs test. When I told her I was INFP, she clapped her hands and said, “Ha! I thought so.” This was probably only a year ago, so it’s a new idea for me, but the category feels right. All those traits of an INFP personality - they feel familiar and true. Embracing the ‘label’ has helped me to better understand myself and the ways in which I prefer to engage with the world.

Which brings me back to Ben Solo. Kylo Ren.

In the weeks since the election, and in the days since the inauguration, I have felt myself falling to the dark side. As the process began, I thought about asking my friend, the therapist, 

“What does it look like when an INFP goes bad?” 

Then I realized I knew.

Kylo Ren is the template for a personality with a vivid moral code warped into violence. His is the pattern for strong emotion congealed into explosive rage burning, burning, burning, just beneath the surface; heavy, corrosive and hot in your chest. It is the outstretched hand twisting into the clenched fist. 

I know because I can feel it happening to me. 

In the Politico article, one of the local people interviewed by Michael Kruse said, 

“It’ll be turmoil for four years. [Trump]’s like a firecracker in a keg of dynamite.”

Why, then, I wondered, did he vote for him? He put down his brandy in a plastic cup and looked at me.“Why not?” he said flatly. “Let it blow.”

This, and the guy’s other hateful comments, are part of what’s stoking my rage; my fall. In the darkness, I disagree with everything he says, except for this:

Let it blow.

I voted for Clinton. I was never excited about her candidacy, but Trump represented then, and is demonstrating now, that he is a clear and present danger to democracy, and I voted against that. Now that the worst has come to pass, in a strange way I agree with the vile man in the article; I saw the threat Trump and his cabal represent and voted to maintain the status quo. My neighbors (some of them might have been my friends) chose a different path, and here we are.

So be it. Let it blow. 

And why not? The world is in trouble. If we are to build new ways of living, the old ones must pass away, yes? It feels as though the collapse is upon us; a self-induced crisis of epic proportions to which we must all respond. We’re invited to sweep the ground clean of everything that went before and start anew.

I know in my bones that these are dangerous times which demand the absolute best from all of us if people and institutions we care deeply about are to survive, and yet, every day I am failing. I am falling to the dark. I can feel it. and cannot find my way out. 

Hate, deception, and cruelty are the markers of the new regime, and it is so easy, so very easy, to meet hate with hate. 

Star Wars is helping me try to make sense of it. I spent much of the past year trying to understand the story of a fictional character, writing about the reasons he might have fallen - been seduced by the dark side, we like to say here in the GFFA - but I never really got it until now. 

Surrendering to the dark side is easy. When war is brought to your doorstep, it feels simple and correct to meet it with war. When the people around you display their ignorance and bigotry, how else should one meet it but with righteous fury?

I’m lost. I thought I was Jedi, but it turns out I’m Sith.

Or not. 

I’m struggling against this, the darkness. Even that is a revelation; the intensity of the struggle in my psyche, in my soul. It’s exhausting. I feel it as a heaviness in my chest, the hot buzz of too much blood in my veins. 

I am a shepherd, perhaps the most cliched pastoral and peaceful job a person can do, but these days I tend to my flock and fight fantasies of violence as I tear gobs of hay off the bales to carry to my gentle animals.  The steel tines of my pitchfork are polished with moving summer’s grass in winter, and they glitter in the guttering light of my headlamp.

I’m doing what I can; writing this helps, perhaps. Stepping out into the cold air of winter clears my head, if only temporarily. Marching helped. Speaking out and taking action helps. I’m talking to the wise ones in my circle; my friend Richard, a veteran activist who is headed back to Standing Rock this spring, and who seems to have cracked the code of non-violence. All the voices around me that feel less lost. I’m looking for the light. It’s there, I know it.

I’ve written so much about Ben Solo because I love him. He’s Han and Leia’s boy, after all. I’ve thought of him as though he were one of my own children, and the question of how to bring him out of the dark, how to get him home, has felt urgent for these reasons.  Now for the first time, I realize he’s me. 

Save Ben Solo