#might post some of this separately later! for now it's just what I have bouncing around in my head but perhaps.... >:3

[toxintouch]

so I found your post about what if the cult that raised Unnamed MC was one of Vere's old cults and I just had a few thoughts. a Deicide Vere flavored thoughts.

(also I apologize in advance because this was a lot longer than I planned on it being lmao)

what if MC was meant to eventually be sacrificed? like, in an attempt to bring Vere back or something along those lines. and the MC knew they were going to be sacrificed; it probably played a decent factor in why they ran.

so how would MC react to finding out that Vere was the very deity that they grew up worshipping, had grown up knowing that they would eventually be sacrificed to him in a vain attempt to bring him back?

maybe the Devout Follower part of them hadn't been snuffed out by the time they met Vere. maybe all the old habits they tried to leave behind started to come back after being face-to-face with their god. maybe, in a scenario where something, or someone, would have to be sacrificed in order to remove the collar, they would decide to be almost exactly what the cult raised them to be: a sacrifice, but to free him instead of bringing him back?

or, alternatively, the Devout Follower part of them had been completely snuffed out by the time they met Vere. how would they react to finding out that, after all that running, they somehow managed to end up within arms reach of the very thing they had been running from? what if they choose to run again because of it, just up and leaving Eridia, leaving Vere still chained to the Senobium?

and of course: how would Vere react? MC being an ex-follower of his is one thing, but them being an ex-follower and an eventual sacrifice? someone who once fervently worshipped him and was, at least at some point in their life, fully willing to lay down their life for him with no guarantee it would even lead to anything?

(or how would he react to the "MC just fucking leaves" scenario specifically? sure, Normal/Canon Vere would be going through it, especially if him and MC were close, but Deicide Vere? yeah I think that would be his breaking point)

I don't mind the length at all!! I'm the last person who would ever complain, many ppl will attest to my long DMs, etc. In fact, thank you for taking the time to write out your ask and tysm taking an interest in my beloved Deicide Flavored Vere! ˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ Sorry it took all day to respond, I wanted to be able to set aside proper time to read your message and consider! :3 You're picking up what I was thinking abt for sure with your sacrifice train of thought! Though I'll admit I was thinking more of MC being a less literal sacrifice - chosen as the conduit or the one who is supposed to find Vere and bring him back to his people now that he has disappeared.

Oh, but the literal sacrifice angle is juicy. And less convoluted/more clear than how I was trying to make the pieces fit, when I made that post? I let myself get stuck on the thought that I wanted MC to feel...fashioned for Vere, but I was thinking, perhaps, too logically & not cult-y enough, lol.

✦ Perhaps MC thought - when they were a child? - that they would be alive to meet Vere when he came back, but once they became older they realized that: no, they were to be a sacrifice to bring him back. They had to be ready to die for him. And they are only acting as Oracle in stead of their deity until they become strong enough to divine his return, which they (via the cult's teachings) believe will require them to sacrifice themself to him, to die...

But once they realize that their curse is a curse and not a god-given ability that's been granted to them... What else isn't true?

✦ Or perhaps they realize that to be a sacrifice is to die for their god at the same time they realize the truth about their hands, like you suggested, and they knew that they had to flee for the sake of their life and for the sake of finding freedom. They finally saw the gilded cage they had been kept in.

I definitely want to further explore the branching thoughts & paths of Sacrifice!Unnamed grappling with their Devotion vs Apostasy, but I don't want to keep you waiting too long for an answer so I will just resolve to make relevant posts as I consider more/write more! Until then:

✦ I think, even if they want to say that they have left all of their devotion to their god behind...old habits die hard. Things slip through the cracks. No matter how tightly you think you've closed the door, a sliver of a shadow can still find its way into the room where you thought you were safe and alone.

✦ In this MC's mind, they have always been Vere's.

✦ And Vere... [incoming POV shift to match the original Deicide fic]

His own autonomy is important to him, yes, but he's a hypocrite at heart. He's a glutton. He craves power. And he craves you.

He didn't put the collar on his own neck.

But you did.

You belong to him; you were made for him.

You devoted yourself to him, chained yourself willingly and he's not about to allow you to take all the oaths and prayers and the sweet, secret whispers you've given to him back.

(Oh, but he’d have been a kind god to you. Eventually. In that other time, that fictional reality where life is fair. You can earn his kindness, but never his mercy. It isn't in him to be merciful.)

You can't take your devotion back. He has a taste for it now. The only way he's letting it die is if he devours it whole.

And how had he not recognized the taste of himself already on you? How had he failed to notice, so distracted by your enticing promise, that he'd already laid claim? He's been woven into your life from the very start. He didn't even have to go to your town to demand you. You came to him.

(He'll reward them, still, the dregs of his followers – a quick death when he kills them for leaving their hand prints all over what they knew was his, for the suffering they inflicted on you that was his to mete out – suffering that was his to bless you will, as punishment or otherwise.)

And the depth of your devotion? That presses into him, something tender and cutting, unfamiliar or at least long forgotten. He'll reward you once he's satisfied with your repentance. Once you've renewed your faith in all the ways he sees fit.

(How shall be react to your willingness to die for him? It's been so long since he's had something to lose...)

✦ Deicide!Vere is such a mess of feelings. I think he would have a lot of trouble deciding what to do about Sacrifice!MC being willing (currently or previously) to die for him.

✦ The complexity of the matter is that: Were it anyone else, he wouldn't hesitate. He'd be pleased to throw them into harm's way if it meant being free. But Deicide!Vere has been lonely, searching for something - someone - like him for so long. I think he sees the potential of Sacrifice!MC as the one person outside of himself that he could really treasure. (AKA love) They're the "thing" he wanted most, before he lost his freedom. Being confronted with a situation where he may have to sacrifice one of his greatest desires for the other? Even he's not sure what he would do, if the situation arose as such. So he pushes that thought and that feeling away. My vision of Vere is that, though he is somewhat scheming, he is also impulsive and driven by hedonism. For regular Vere, I'm sure he pushes it away until it has to be an impulse decision. For Deicide Vere? This is the shittiest, no-win scenario. Low luck stat really comin' thru.

✦ Re: MC just fucking leaves scenario: I think you're right that something about that breaks him. The rejection. The idea that they've found him unworthy, not the other way around. But most of all: the abandonment. That they would leave him to suffer, presumably forever.

He's their god, yet it's them who's sentenced him to hell.

✦ Another thought I often consider: MC succeeds in removing his collar and even manages to survive doing it. But they don't chose to stay with him. He's been mistrusting of them, too cold and harsh and unwilling to see them as an equal (or at least: unwilling to admit that he does). And so, they lay the collar at his feet and leave. One last supplication, the final prayer from their lips being: "Goodbye, Vere." And the door is firmly shut, this time. He's free but he's back where he started. Searching. Alone. (He knows they're out there somewhere, but they've surpassed him in order to free him. If he hides in the shadow, they hide - they live in the places that match their golden veins, and he can't find them there.)

✦ He thought he could find them anywhere. But he's lost their scent....

I know my reply was a little bit messy, but hopefully I've answered in a way that was fun to read! and maybe even scratched some of the Deicide!Vere itch for anyone who, like me, is constantly infected. Ty again for joining me in my little brainrot corner!

p.s. lmk if i didn't answer/can answer anything more specific that u were hoping for an answer to, it's been kinda a week for my brain!

[fosermi]

since animation is literally your major, is there any details from the Sonic X Shadow generations clip we saw today that you might want to talk about?

OK SO major spoilers under the cut for the preview of the Sonic x Shadow gen prolouge

i was WAY too busy fangirling to give a proper analysis BUT when it does come out fully i might just do one, also please take note im still in my second year of studying to be an animator so these are purely my opinion. for now i can point out a few things that i genuinely want to talk about.

first thing that stood out to me was that 2D-3D style of animation, definitely something i dont think we've seen be done for the franchise before (correct me if im wrong) and it reminds me so much of RWBY in a way. There were some bits that, to me, looked choppy BUT THEN AGAIN those were the parts that needed to be choppy for emphasis reasons, specifically it was at the start where Shadow is having some sort of break down. its obvious from how choppy his movements are in comparison to the smoothness of the rest of the preview that shadow was genuinely shaking. with that 2D-3D style that choppyness looks janky as fuck but its so perfect for conveying how uptight and bottled up shadow's emotions are. its so hard to try and capture what im saying but trust me its there!!

second thing i wanna point out are the camera angles. they shift so much to serve the dramatization of the scenes and its so ✨JUICY✨like i shit you not, i cant stop staring at the different camera angles and going "oooohhh ahhhhh" and trying to rationalize the reasoning for those angles because HOLY SHIT they're so good and they actually do serve a really good cinematic purpose!! its easy for people to get lost in the changing of perspectives and camera angles but this? oh this does it so good that it actually drives the plot FORWARD instead of it seeming like separate scenes mashed together.

third thing I'll point out is the scene color shifts. when doing something cinematic, ambiance is key. so when the scene shifted from this soft and comforting blue hues

to this eerie red so suddenly with our only warning being a slight shaking of the screen??

that made it such a surprise that it gets the viewer on alert!! a good thing!!!

now i can go on and on about the different colors for each scene but let me just touch up on this one scene in specific:

it quickly goes from hopeful gold/good light to ominous black/no light, very contrasting, which can mean oh so many things... most notably; maria's hope vs shadow's resolve.

fourth thing ill touch up on are the frames where shadow runs. specifically the one where he runs out of frame from maria.

we get almost 1 frame of a model and then...

these frames here? chefs kiss, perfect. showing us just how fast shadow really is, so fast that we the light from his airshoes doesnt catch up until a fraction of a second later!!! even the glow in the doorway changes to reflect that short millisecond split.

fifth thing ill point out and its a small little thing thats making me absolutely rabid:

he fucking glows.

and yeah, sure, you can argue that its bounce light, its most probably is bounce light since its under harsh light conditions BUT if that was the case the glow wouldnt be this vibrant of a shade and it would give an aura and not specifically on his markings. just a little thing i noticed that i will get to screaming about when i post this.

last thing i wanna touch up on is the sound effects. they were just so very crunchy and pared up with the animation style?? oh it was delicious!! i have some issues with the lip sync but then again they were trying to go for an anime/western cartoon hybrid style here so its bound to be off on the lip sync.

anyway, thanks for listening to my silly ramblings, its nothing too impressive just a fangirl fangirling. now if you'll excuse me, ill go scream to the eclipse nation about glowing hedgehog.

[heavyteddy25]

Bad batch pt1

TURBO ENERGY!! The greatest new energy drink on the market! Zero sugar, zero caffeine, and great taste thanks to our super secret formula! Now in over 10 delicious flavors!!!!!!

Factory worker 1: alright newbie your stations right over here.

The worker was giving the new employee a tour of turbo energy factory and showing him his post. He would be in charge of dispensing the secret formula into batches of energy drink, before they’re separated into their individual flavors and carbonated.

Worker 1: here’s how it works you press this button here and hold it till the first beep and not a second longer. None of us know what’s in this stuff but they say if too much goes in, it has… side effects.

The newbie was distracted by all the machines and giant tubs of energy drink there’s piping and tubing going everywhere even the machine he’s in charge of was big and shiny and new

Newbie: how does this stuff work? It’s an energy drink but there’s no caffeine? That doesn’t make any sense.

Worker 1: I don’t know what’s in it but apparently it’s simple science. Our bodies get their energy from calories that we end up burning, this formula is supposed to create a steady flow of calories in our bodies for it to continuously burn and give our bodies energy. But not too much that our bodies store it as excess fat or whatever.

Newbie: that’s wild it sounds like something from a movie.

Worker 1: yeah yeah get to work I’ll check up on you in a bit.

The manager left the newbie to himself and started working. he waited for the batch of drink to roll up he pressed the button like his boss said and held it then the machine beeped. And beeped again, and again, and again, the newbie wasn’t sure how long he was supposed to hold it. He let the button go and took a peek at the tub of unflavored drink it looked fine, so he let it roll away as he went to ask his boss for confirmation.

The tub of unflavored drink rolled thru the factory onto its next destination the flavoring department. The tub of drink was funneled into 4 smaller tubs and off they went to finish their manufacturing journey.

1 week later

Johnny was getting ready for the gym and waiting for his partner Ethan to get home. He slipped on his baggy tank top and basketball shorts and went to check himself in the mirror. He looked at himself and smiled even with his baggy workout outfit he could see his thick muscular build, shoulders almost as wide as a doorframe, arms that could beat a grizzly in arm wrestling, a thick powerful chest that puffed up the straps of his tank top. His trim waist hidden under the top but he knew what was under there, not abs but a smooth stomach and a V line heading right to what his partner considers his favorite work out tool.

Tree trunk thighs with an ass you could bounce a quarter off of. While he was distracted admiring himself Ethan arrived home.

Ethan: I’m home! (He unloaded groceries onto the counter and walked to the bedroom) oooo look who’s ready for the gym?you look so good I might actually join you this time.

Ethan was not the type to go to the gym although he wasn’t fat he was nowhere near the physique of his partner. He honestly wasn’t sure what Johnny saw in him, he could have anyone he’s just grateful he chose him.

Johnny: haha very funny. We both know you’d rather make dinner and play video games than workout with me.

Ethan scoffed pretending to look offended.

Ethan: that’s not true there is one workout I love doing with you.

Johnny grinned knowing exactly what he meant Ethan’s sex drive was crazy and he loved it. And Johnny was glad Ethan never picked up any of Johnnys gym habits, he hasn’t been sure how to tell Ethan this but he likes a “softer figure” and wouldn’t mind Ethan putting on some weight. Johnny grabbed Ethan and pulled him into his thick fuzzy chest and held him with his big strong arms. He kissed Ethan passionately and went to grab his bag.

Johnny: I’m heading out I’ll see you in an hour.

Johnny headed to the front door and passed by the kitchen when he noticed two cans of a drink he recognized immediately.

Johnny: you got the turbo drinks!?!? I’ve been wanting to try these so badly!!

Ethan: Yupp I sure did! And they even had your favorite flavor!

Johnny grabbed the can it read “blueberry flavor” it also had a warning label “might cause temporary bloating”. which he wasn’t afraid of, even premium pre workouts caused bloating. Ethan had grabbed the “classic” flavor, they opened them up clinked their cans and downed them together.

Ethan: these are pretty good but a little too carbonated for my liking.

Johnny: it was delicious I love blueberry stuff and this did not disappoint. Although it does have an odd after taste.

Ethan: I didn’t get any aftertaste. Maybe because it’s artificial flavoring. Well have a great workout but don’t burn too much energy hehe.

Ethan winked at his hunky boyfriend and off Johnny went to the gym while Ethan played video games. Johnnys workout was amazing he pumped iron till he could swear he saw his muscle swelling up. Half way thru the workout he took a look at his figure in the mirror, his hunk body all glistening with sweat. His muscles swollen from his pumping and his belly sticking out under his tank top he picked up his shirt and saw his belly rounded out. The can did say to expect temporary bloating I guess I wasn’t the exception Johnny thought to himself. And almost like a switch was flipped inside Johnny, he was suddenly incredibly horny. He had half a mind to leave the gym early and head home to his cutie of a boyfriend, who would love to put this energy to good use. But Johnny just used his urges as motivation to finish his workout as usual and speed right home. Johnny arrived home to the apartment and basically broke the door down he was so ready to see Ethan. He walked inside panting and he turned to see his sexy boyfriend gaming shirtless on the couch which was driving Johnny crazy.

Johnny: babe. Bedroom. Now.

Ethan: woah babe you definitely don’t need to tell me twice but what has you so excited tonight huh?

Ethan got up from the couch smirking at his sweaty hot boyfriend, he was ready for whatever Johnny wanted. But something felt off, he looked at Johnny and noticed the bulge in his crotch thick and long. But then noticed another bulge under Johnnys shirt.

Ethan: I see you were victim to the drinks bloating huh? Me too good thing it’s supposed to be temporary

Johnny forgot all about out how the drink made him bloated, but he looked down at Ethan’s belly and realized his belly was rounding out too but it didn’t look right. It wasn’t just his belly his whole body somehow looked… softer. And Jonny loved it. Johnny practically grabbed and carried Ethan to the bedroom and threw him on the bed. Ethan was so turned on by how forceful his partner was being tonight it made him feel all hot and bothered, but for some reason that heat centered in his belly. He was unable to focus on the strange feeling in his belly as he watched Johnny strip in front of him. Johnny practically tearing his sweat soaked clothes off his swole body as he looked at Ethan laying there already naked on the bed. Something was off he could swear Ethan was looking different, cuter somehow and then he saw it. Ethan’s belly was bigger even than when they were in the living room. Was Ethan gaining weight? Right in front of him? Why? How? And why did it make Johnny that much hornier! Johnny got into the bed his hard on swinging side to side as he did so. He grabbed and flipped Ethan over and just like his belly Ethan’s butt was bigger too, fuller and juicier. He grabbed onto his man’s ass and spread him. Ethan now on all fours felt Johnny grab onto his ass ready for what was coming but something felt off it felt like there was more for Johnny to grab than he remembered. But before he could focus on the feeling it happened, Johnny entered him with little resistance he forgets every-time how big Johnny is. He could feel Johnny reaching inside him almost into his belly, and the thrusting began. Johnny pulled and thrusted into Ethan over and over again both of them panting and moaning. Johnny felt his body crashing into Ethan’s soft ass, with every thrust watching the impacts go through Ethan in waves. Then Johnny noticed the waves being more distinct as if there’s more of Ethan then before and that’s because there was. Johnny thrusted and thrusted into Ethan as he watched Ethan grow from behind. Ethan’s love handles started to blossom, his arms were getting thicker but not with muscle. His thighs were starting to take up more space as they started spreading apart, then they stopped. Johnny almost felt disappointed to see the growth paused but through all of Johnnys pants and moans and Ethan’s gasps of pleasure, Johnny could hear a groan coming from inside Ethan. And then Johnny could see it something bulging out from Ethan’s sides starting to consume his love handles, Ethan’s belly was becoming big and round pulling on the weight Ethan had gained moments ago. Johnny could see it pulling down on Ethan’s side rolls and smoothing them out even, watching as a crease started forming just atop Ethan’s love handles and meeting in the middle of Ethan’s back. Johnny stopped thrusting and leaned over Ethan’s back to grab the sides of this giant gut from behind.

Ethan wasn’t sure what was happening to him. He was having the hottest time with Johnny when all of a sudden he felt his body beginning to jiggle more and more, and he was feeling so heavy he realized he could feel his chest starting to sway as Johnny was thrusting into him. His moans and gasps were just as much from concern as they were from pleasure. Soon he felt the same thing from his belly swaying back and forth bouncing into his own crotch is they grew bigger. The growing didn’t stop he belly kept bulging outward as it descended towards the bed taking up more space and getting heavier. Then he felt Johnny stop thrusting and suddenly he laid on top of Ethan’s wide back and grabbed onto Ethan’s now gargantuan belly’s sides. Just when he felt like he couldn’t keep himself up anymore his belly hit the bed, but it didn’t stop he could feel his weight adding up and being held up not by his arms anymore but his belly. It started spreading out to the sides and pushing Ethan higher in the air. Ethan began to panic and Johnny could tell, he got off Ethan’s back and tried to roll Ethan over and sit him up. But only the rolling over happened on account of the brand new weight. With Ethan now on his back he was much more aware of his new size his soft chest starting to get pushed up to his chin as his belly kept growing up and out in all directions.

Ethan: what’s happening to me!? Babe please help it won’t stop!

Ethan pleaded with his strong and sweaty boyfriend but Johnny could only stare at his formerly thin partner now a giant rotund blob. And he was the hottest thing Johnny had ever seen.

Ethan: babe please something’s wrong I feel like I’m going to explode.

Ethans body up until this point was filling with soft fat but something changed it’s as if his body simply couldn’t accommodate all the extra weight and his belly started smoothing out. He’s belly swelling and swallowing his limbs his chest combining with his belly becoming one big dome with hands and feet and Ethan’s face no longer being able to see anything other than belly. Johnny knew Ethan didn’t have much time so he took advantage, unable to get to Ethan’s ass anymore he climbed up to the only other hole besides Ethan’s mouth, his belly button. When he reached the top he could see Ethan’s face and he began to explain.

Johnny: babe I don’t know what’s going on but I’m so horny, I need to finish and you are so hot like this!

Ethan didn’t understand what does he mean he thinks he was hot like this he was a blob fixing to blow and the pressure was building. Johnny inserted himself into Ethan’s belly button with “pop” sound, both Ethan and Johnny gasped in absolute pleasure. Johnny began to thrust again only this time bouncing on Ethan’s mattress of a belly he couldn’t even see their bed anymore from on top of Ethan a groan and gurgle could be heard from inside Ethan and Johnny hurried. Ethan was growing and growing, he could feel his skin tighten as Johnny bounced and bounced into him. but god it felt so good, so tight. He could feel himself stretching his skin began to creak and turn pink. Ethan began panting and groaning in unison with Johnnys thrusting he was going to blow any second. He was reaching his limit it was coming and coming. Ethan began to yell when he felt his limit was hit and so did Johnny as he erupted into Ethan’s belly button. Having the biggest orgasm of his life he laid there soaking in the pure ecstasy he endured. And the he could hear more panting below him and he realized he was still laying on top of Ethan, he slid down Ethan’s smooth pink dome of a belly. And came around to where his face was.

Johnny: babe I need to tell you a secret I don’t know what did this but I’ve always wanted you bigger.

Ethan laid there completely immobile looking up at his gorgeous man having also finished somewhere under his igloo sized belly.

Ethan: I think I noticed…

[pineapplefulfillseveryneed]

Sparks tour 2023 part 4: TivoliVredenburg, Utrecht (june 14, 2023)

Show number 4 out of 5! I'll be putting more photos in this one than I've done for previous writeups as we were in a much better spot :D (I might post some of them in separate posts later on.)

@dinkydiamond and me arrived at the venue super early for this one as it was the only show with general admission, which meant... queuing time! <3 Despite the added stress and additional logistics to think about with queuing, it also added such a sense of normalcy and it was so nice to just hang out with fellow fans for a couple of hours before the show ^_^ (Looking at you, @parts-of-me-unravelling!)

When the doors opened some people made a run for it after their ticket was scanned which cracked me up - okay, running it is then! XD The hall doesn't have the best design as there were steps going down leading to the floor, and the last step was very easy to miss which led to multiple people falling... (The sound of it still haunts me to this very day.) The person in front of me had a fall which was probably the only reason I myself didn't end up on the floor. But, me and Sarah had both made it in one piece and reached exactly where we'd aimed to be: front row at the bannister, in front of Ron's keyboard! :D HELL YEAH! I'd been so nervous about it because this was the ONE standing show! (An absolutely massive consolation was that we'd always have Brussels if we wouldn't have made it. But we did it!) It almost felt scary to be so close. But also extremely exciting, it kind of felt like I'd never been up close before! Hello, Ron's keyboard - so nice to see you :D What we also spotted was that there was a small plastic figurine sitting on Stevie's drums:

(Very zoomed in photo, but look at that little dude.)

We were having some nice conversations with our show-neighbours and then it was time for...

Mr.B The Gentleman Rhymer

I was super excited, now we could sing along and vibe from the front row :D Get a load of big Sparks fan enthusiasm in your face, sir! Part of the things he said on stage at every show was how divided the response to him was, that some considered him the best opening act since Queen whereas others wished he would get off the stage and that he hoped we'd fall into the former category, and this audience was largely really having an amazing time, which I was very happy about! Mr.B remarked "much better than Paris!", which cracked me up. It also honestly was in a way reassuring that he said that as the legend of that Paris show from the previous night had spread far and wide, nothing will ever be Paris but Utrecht also had a lot of love to give :) It was so much fun to sing along to Mr.B's set and to cheer him on from the front! :D

Sparks

Lost my shit when they came on! I mean, when does a person not (it's Sparks!), but woo this is up close! There they are! :D I'll say it again, I love their outfits so much! And ahh finally able to admire Ron's shoes properly! (I've also mentioned that before, but seeing Ron wearing Jordans was a dream of mine for sure. And now I could actually see the shoes :D) Ron was grinning so much throughout So May We Start which was amazing! Russell's jump was excellent which he followed up by skipping around Ron right in front of us. The show was ON <3 (There didn't seem to be an awful lot of space on the stage for Russell to safely skip around/stand in front of Ron's keyboard as the stage wasn't very deep, so this was really nice!) When Russell sang "the authors are here and they're a little vain, a little vain" he stood behind Ron as he did every night, but it was so sweet to see it from the spot we were standing in. (I've shared a photo of it in this post, but I'll put it below as well because I love them.)

We were just bouncing and singing and dancing the entire time - everything was so beautiful and fun to see up close while having a proper outlet for our energy as well :) I'll not mention every single song as I've done that before. Plus anyone who's seen a show knows how special this tour is, and everyone who knows me will know I really am dancing and jumping and singing to everything with the biggest smile, so I'll stick to the things that stood out the most.

Have a shot of Ron's shoes before I continue typing the rest, because let's just admire the shoes:

Beaver O'Lindy was an obvious highlight because the more I think about it, the more it's clear that this song really has it all, but shouting B-E-A V-E-R right back at them where they could see it was just THE BEST!

I was going to capture It Doesn't Have To Be That Way because it's so special and seeing it up close was truly everything - it doesn't matter how many times you hear that song live, it just hits so hard! So I was standing there with my big eyes, camera out, looking at Russell, and Ron, singing along, being totally in awe and very moved by it, Sarah no doubt doing the same thing, and.. Russell noticed this and we got some "I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it" in our direction! THANK YOU T^T! <3 They for sure know how special this song is. Another very important note on the performance of this song: instead of singing "it doesn't have to be that way", Russell mostly sang "it doesn't have to be this way" throughout the song! So we got a rendition that was a little different! (Footage.)

I just about exploded when Balls started and hoped my response would make it really clear how epic I think Balls is and how much I love it, and how much I loved that they decided to play it on this tour :) We must have stood out as Russell came to stand relatively close to us (as much as the size of the stage allowed it) and sang it in our direction for a bit!! (THIS WAS THE BEST) After the song I said to Sarah I felt very tempted to shout "I LOVE BALLS!!" but that I had decided against it XD which we then giggled about and our giggling might actually have been audible to Ron sdjgjhsdfjh

During Shopping Mall Of Love it seemed like Russell was occasionally looking at us vibing and we also got a "YEAH" from Ron which was amazing! The Toughest Girl In Town got dedicated to Sandy and I have never seen them dedicate a song to anyone before. (I don't know who she is, but I really hope she's well.) One of the best things about seeing this song up close was that we now could actually hear the tambourine for the first time, which definitely added to the experience :)

Escalator and Russell's dance had been one of my ultimate favourite things at all of the shows, and we did a little synced up Escalator dance back at Russell. He noticed and smiled! <3 10/10 moment. I love that song so much and Russell's dancing is everything to me. Our enthusiasm during We Go Dancing didn't go unnoticed either as we were jumping and pumping our arms into the air at the appropriate moments :>

When Music That You Can Dance To started I let out some ungodly scream as I am still incapable of being normal about it (it doesn't matter how many times I hear it live - it is one of the live songs of all time). I had been beaming the entire show already anyway but if it's possible to smile even harder, that's when it would've happened. Being up close we now noticed Ron sang along to the lines "perhaps a little jazz", and Sarah said he also sang along to "a souvenir tonight"!

After When Do I Get To Sing “My Way” there was so much applause that Russell shielded his face for a bit <3 (Audience knew how to party :D)

^ Photos from during Gee, That Was Fun :) We got a little wave from Russell when they left the stage before the encore :D

Before the band intro Russell said how they always have fun playing in the Netherlands and he ended up wondering out loud if they'd played any other cities than Amsterdam and Utrecht. My mind completely blanked (despite having BEEN at a show in a different city myself!) and no one else in the audience seemed to have an answer either XD Russell then said “No. I think it's only the two cities that we've done. Or…maybe some other. I don't know.” (I really appreciated the way he said that.) He later on came back to this and said they were informed they had also played in Hilversum way way back in the dark ages, "that's the Netherlands right? We bet you never heard of it before”. (I was cracking up as I've lived close to it most of my life and it's also where all TV and radio gets recorded so actually a lot of people *will* have heard of it XD)

Ron was applauding everyone with a big smile during the band introductions which was awesome :D Russell used the words “over yonder” in his introduction of Ron! (!!!!! OVER YONDER - can't believe I got to hear him say that in in person with my own ears! Yeah, more things I am normal about. Russell says words, brain go brrr) One of our friends in the front row joined the band in bowing to Ron, so we joined in as well. Ron smiled but gestured that it was a little bit much so I quickly went back to clapping.

During All That when Russell sang “hey help me out I can't find my left shoe” he actually lifted up his left foot to illustrate the lyrics! (I love him)

@parts-of-me-unravelling has also written about this in her write up but I am going to write about it as well because it was great :) Before the audience photo Eli sat down on the stage and Stevie then sat down with him and they sat there smiling for a bit - I've been enjoying their friendship so much throughout the tour! When the audience photo was about to be taken Eli dove down onto the stage, and honestly this is one of my favourite audience photos from the tour (and maybe ever), and we're in it!

Someone in the audience had made a poster which was passed on to the front and Ron was the one to reach out and take it! (First time I witnessed Ron taking a gift :D) He had to lean over quite far to grab it though which looked a bit risky and Russell half-grabbed Ron's jacket just to be sure. I don't think I saw what was on the poster but Ron showed it to Russell (see @part-of-me-unravelling's post) and then signed if that person wanted their poster back, but they signed he should keep it. It was a sweet moment and they were smiling so much ^^ Me and Sarah had also brought letters and Russell came over to collect them :) Mine was small so I jumped onto the banister, poking out my tongue and going “hng”, while looking Russell straight in the face (... I am so graceful) to avoid him having to lean over too far. (Here's a video someone took of All That, the band intro and the audience photo.) Things had been so very nice :)

~

I'd missed A Love Story on the setlist as we hadn't realised yet some songs had no longer been on the setlist since the UK and I had really looked forward to hearing it at the front. Eaten By The Monster Of Love had also gone but for the rest the setlist had remained the same utterly incredible setlist.

We hung out with @parts-of-me-unravelling for a bit after the show which was great. Also I could finally buy merch now! (My bag had been too full when in the UK and it haunts me to this very day that I wasn't able to get the poster that was exclusively sold at the RAH.) I got a Latte shirt and the socks ^^ I also bought one of Mr.B's CD's, had a little chat and told him that we'd see him again in Brussels. He was cool with taking a photo. I was a total dork. Luckily he is a very nice man and fellow Sparks fan, he gets these things :)

(A playlist of the footage I made during this show can be found here.)

[fangs-claws-paws]

Idea dump

I have a lot of ideas that have been bouncing around for years in my head that while they have vague stories attached to them, I seriously doubt I'm going to actually write fics about. So in an effort to help organize them and just get the idea out there, I'm gonna try just posting the concepts so they don't get forgotten in the recesses of my mind. Mind you this post is just going to be about one, but I might do more later on if I feel like it. Putting below the cut because it is adult in nature

Hermaphrodite space marines

This one has probably the best chance of becoming a fic at some point, but I also I've only had chapter 1 written for years now so I guess we'll see.

General premise: The Emperor made it so space marines could self-propagate in case of lack of recruitment worlds or other issues regarding recruitment, but in such a limited way that they couldn't survive off it, by making it so space marines have both penis and vagina. Periods where they're fertile are extremely far apart, ended early by any stimuli that triggers their fight or flight response, and only for brief periods, before these periods of fertility a space marine experience "heat". Mind you, when I say heat, it isn't as what's seen in common a/b/o fics where it means mindless lust, it simply means the space marine is more easily aroused and interested in sexual activities, which isn't something normally seen among space marines.

The dual genitalia are implanted usually during the last round of gene-seed implantation, and shortly after the space marine experiences a heat as the body adapts to the new anatomy. During first heat space marines are not bred, both to allow the body to adjust to just having the parts, as well as due to increased risk of when the child is born that the space marine will become attached to the child and resist separation. After first heat passes the space marine is fully inducted in and things go as normal.

Randomly, a handful of space marines are selected to perform their duty as carriers and pulled from whatever duty they're on and returned to the fortress monastery. There the space marines are kept until they begin to experience heat symptoms, at which point they are paired up with another space marine who was selected for them based on likelihood of producing offspring that will best survive with the chapter's geneseed. Once the space marine is confirmed pregnant they are retained in the fortress monastery, under constant observation by apothecaries, until they give birth. Space marines in labor are heavily restrained and partially drugged to reduce risk of the space marine becoming attached to the child he births.

If the child is born alive and without serious deformities, it is raised completely separate from normal aspirants, though the end is the same in becoming a space marine. They are never told who their parents were, though by adulthood they are aware how they were created. Information on parentage is maintained by librarians, who helps ensure there isn't any inbreeding occurring along with helping choose space marine breeding pairings to have the best chance for living offspring. Librarians do not have access to their own list of offspring or, if they were a space marine created through the breeding project, who their parents were.

Post-heresy hermaphrodite space marines are not normally seen on either side. The Imperial space marines phased them out due to concerns about chaos using it as a way to corrupt a chapter from the inside out. In chaos, those who did not get themselves sterilized chemically or through physical means were often taken as slaves that found themselves chained up and forced to do nothing but get bred and give birth, some having been forced to live as nothing but livestock so long that they struggle to speak and understand high or low gothic. There are a rare few fertile hermaphroditic space marines that are free, but they escaped the more common fate by very quickly amassing power and connections so that one would have to be a fool to try anything without their express permission.

A handful of Imperial chapters also maintain a few hermaphroditic space marines, these are mostly fleet-based chapters and those that don't follow the Codex Astartes. At most there are three in these chapters, and most of the chapter is unaware of their existence, with only the chapter master and a few special selected apothecaries knowing. They are usually kept in the most secure location for that chapter, whether that be a fortress monastery, or a flagship. How they are kept also varies chapter to chapter, with some isolated into private rooms with no knowledge of life outside the room, while others may live in a common room with the few others like them. If they do share a common room then usually the penis is rendered sterile through chemicals or castration, to ensure no unplanned breedings occur. Those kept in private rooms usually have one or two human attendants who were hand-picked for the task, ensuring the space marine is fed and given some social interaction.

The Imperial hermaphroditic space marines also still undergo regular training and hypno-training to ensure that, should the worst happen and the flagship or fortress monastery get invaded, they are still capable of defending themselves.

[x-bee-x]

A week of HideDuo holiday fics incoming! Thank you for starting this @cupidlia, I knew the minute I saw your post I wanted to be part of this, and I knew it would be fun. And with that, the prompt chosen was first snow!

Snowflakes

629 words

Even as he stretched both legs beneath the blanket and did the same with his lone flesh arm above his head to wake up the muscles, bending his elbow and making a fist to rub the sleep from his eyes, he was pretty content to keep laying here.

Pac was curled slightly in on himself and on his side and was pressed against Fit, his raven hair a bit messy and a piece was separated from the rest laying in the middle of his forehead, he made a small whine as his vocal chords woke up with the rest of him then blinked his brown eyes up at the American next to him.

"Bom dia, Fitchi."

"Morning Pac. How'd you sleep?"

"Mhm, good, thank you. How about you?"

"Pretty good."

"That's good!"

Fit felt Pac curl a bit further in on himself beside him and felt the blankets adjust as he pulled them tighter around his shoulders.

"Yeah, pretty cold this morning, isn't it?"

"Yeah it is. Oh! Do you know what that might mean?"

"Hm?"

"Snow!"

Pac's chocolate eyes were crinkled at the corners as he smiled and sparkling with excitement as he suddenly found an interest in getting out from under the blankets that held them both and reached for his prosthetic sat against the bed beside him.

Fit's hazel eyes were crinkled a little bit because he was grinning at the other's joy, but he also blinked curiously.

And sure enough, Fit looked between the sliver of curtains and out the window to the rest of the island, which was now covered in a thin white blanket, more still falling from the sky in small pieces.

"Come on Fit, don't you like the snow?"

"I, uh, I'm not sure?"

"Oh- you- oh. You have not seen snow? Before?"

"I've. Heard passing conversations from some people a few times, about like, they used to have it before coming to where we were. But. Never did it in the wasteland so. No."

"Oh. Yeah. That makes sense I guess."

Pac shifted his eyes in thought for a second and crinkled his nose in that cute way like he had an idea and blinked up at Fit again, his leg now on and standing across from the veteran and in front of the dresser, reaching for the American's hand and squeezing it lightly.

"It is okay Fit, it's nothing scary. It's just kind of cold, but I, I can keep you warm? If you want. And it, it will be fun, I hope! Would you like to maybe go out with me, you can get dressed in warm clothes, and I will see if the boys want to join us maybe?"

Pac looked so small, so unsure, but he rubbed a thumb across the back of Fit's hand and smiled softly.

"I'd like that."

Fit returned his hand squeeze and the Brazilian beamed before running into the hallway.

"Richas, Ramón, olhe para fora!"

A pair of thick pants, a long sleeved shirt, and the thickest jacket he owned later, Fit stood with his hands in his pockets in the entryway.

Pac wore the same ensemble, with the addition of his signature hoodie, and walked towards both the veteran and the door.

Their sons running in tandem out of and giggling from their bedroom, their usual shorts replaced by longer pants and they wore slightly thicker coats than their parents, both sets of curly hair bouncing as they tried to phase through the door before it was unlocked to get to the weather on the other side.

"Tudo bem, Fitchi, you ready?"

He took a hand from his pocket and squeezed Pac's, all four of them with a matching grin, as the door was finally opened.

"As I'll ever be."

[skyfallscotland]

I would love to hear more about your writing style and how you plan the over arching storyline. You’ve mentioned that you don’t write linearly, so how do you keep everything straight?

Do you have a cohesive idea of the big picture, or is it more of a bunch of scenes bouncing around that you need to find a way to weave together? How do you know what is chapter 18 versus chapter 10 versus chapter 4? I’ve also seen you mention that Remi is high functioning autistic, and you’ve tagged a few things as nuro spicy. I gather that a lot of your writing is deeply reflective of your own lived experiences and now I’m wondering how Remi’s going to manage relearning history if her author likes to jump around this much!

in any case, thank you again for blessing us with this work - I’m going on vacation next week and am very excited to do my first reread!

So basically I'll have an overarching idea and some scenes in my head already and then everything else will just happen as I go.

So for T&T I know

what I want to do with the Varrish situation

what I want to do at Tecarus' place

what I want to do with Melgren/Samara/the final battle

and how I want their relationship to go

how it's going to end

So there's a few pivotal scenes in my head already and then there's things like

how Papa Sorrengail died

how Lilith really feels about Remi

how Violet will react to her sister this time around

how Remi will react to RSC

and I basically just try and weave them all together as I go. I keep notes in my phone in a linear-fashion and if I think of something I'll slot it into the 'timeline' but in saying I write non-linearly, it's more like...I get demand avoidance, right? So if I'm up to RSC but my brain just doesn't want to initiate, instead of screeching to a halt, I'll write for example a scene regarding Papa Sorrengail's death, put it to the side and come back to it later and fit it in somewhere.

So when I say 10 vs 18 vs 4, it's like, I've actually written up to 18, I have 18 chapters, but my brain might later go oh wait, you want this in here, and then I have to go back and change things or weave things in, so while I have 18 chapters, 4 could then become 5 and push each one along so I have 19. I hope that makes sense?

I tend to write more of a character/emotion driven story so that definitely helps because I'm really just weaving a little plot around all the feels.

Remi is very, very deeply reflective of me and my lived experiences, more than any other FMC I've ever written. I think every writer puts pieces of themselves in their work, but Remi in particular I put so much of my soul into. Fear & Flame was a very cathartic experience, I wrote it for me and I was honestly surprised so many people liked it. I almost didn't post it at all.

I've always felt like Remi. It was only once I learned that I could be on the spectrum that I started figuring out why I am the way I am and do the things I do, and also, really, why most people don't like me. And that's not like, me feeling sorry for myself, it's just a fact, most people don't. It's why it feels kind of special whenever someone tells me they see themselves in her.

Because Remi is so logical, she's just pushing everything to the side and going 'ok, this is what I know is true because I've seen it with my own eyes' and working from there. Honestly in T&T part one, she's a little too busy to even think about it, but she's definitely asking questions. I think it's this, that separates her so much from Violet. She won't let things go and she will ask whatever questions pop into her head a lot of the time (which is tough because we don't have too much history/lore to work with).

Honoured to be your vacation reading! Haha, I hope you have a nice time! 🖤

[scoobydoodean]

Just finished S9 and had a thought occur to me... Why is it that the scarier Dean gets and the further from happiness he gets driven, the more sensible and non-douchey Sam suddenly becomes. If Dean's happy and generally feeling pretty good about himself, Sam's always there to start shit and be kind of a drama whore. But the darker Dean gets (Mark of Cain, specifically cuz that's where I'm at now) the more logical and "hold on let's think this through" Sam becomes. He goes from "we're not brothers, this is a business" to "that's my brother and I have to save him" pretty damn quick there after Dean gets a murder boner from the blade

I don't personally believe Sam wants Dean to be unhappy in general (See: Cassie, Lisa, Sam's desperation to save Dean in season 3 and in 4.12 and in 8.14). However, Sam does want Dean to be unhappy in season 8 and in season 9 in specific contexts for specific reasons, and neither reason is actually because he doesn't care about Dean.

In season 8, without getting into a very long-winded explanation, Sam's attitude toward Dean having friends is the result of control issues specific to that season, manifested from an emotional breakdown Sam had after his volcano of life-long abandonment trauma exploded between 7.23 and 8.01. Losing Dean was the catalyst for all of it. This framing may seem confusing or counterintuitive to some, but I can explain why I have that perspective. However, it’ll get extremely long-winded and divorced from this ask if I start talking about that in detail. (I might tack an addition or make a separate post to explain more.)

Sam does care about Dean in season 8 despite appearances from how he abandoned Dean in Purgatory. But Dean doesn't get a lot of the context we do as viewers (and even with context…). Previous experiences and his own abandonment trauma make it easy for Dean to connect Sam's statement with several previous experiences (that also weren't actually about Sam not caring about Dean but felt that way to Dean) and accept that Sam does not care about him. Sam also knows Dean doesn't think Sam cares for him, and in season 9, Sam uses that to his advantage. He wants Dean to hurt. He wants to punish Dean and he understands how to do so—with a lie about who Dean is to him (9.23 gives it to us directly: "I lied").

The Mark is a wake up call. While Sam is not responsible for Dean's deep, long-standing self-worth issues, which make Dean highly susceptible to the idea of taking on an evil murder mark to kill a Knight of Hell and damn the consequences, I'm sure Sam can't help but connect Dean being willing to dive off the deep end to the fault line running through their relationship that he's been working to widen. He widens it to hurt Dean's heart, but also finds his own facing issues, because he does care about Dean despite trying very hard to stop doing that. Dean is in an incredibly fragile state and cannot handle any more pushing, and Sam softens in response.

More generally, I think like anyone, Sam gauges what he thinks people can handle. Sam and Dean's relationship involves a lot of snarky and bitchy banter, but they'll generally chill out on it when they sense genuine fragility—at least for a little while. In a more serious context, Dean is a default springboard Sam has bounced anger off of for a lot of his life, and occasionally projected his own emotions and experiences onto, and occasionally scapegoated for his own choices, but season 8/9 is as far as he ever pushes it without backing off, and he eventually feels he went too far, and I think he feels bad about it. Sam will rarely apologize directly (well—maybe for one thing—years later) but he'll curb his behavior and start doing things that show his care... sometimes in sort of messed up ways but... well. I don't want to spoil season 10 and 11 for you.

The good news is, while Carver wanted to unbury and explore how Sam and Dean genuinely feel about their relationship, which initially results in some of the most painful brother drama in Supernatural's history, he tears it down to the studs in order to build it back up into something still flawed, but a lot more mature and genuinely companionable. 

[sensei-venus]

(This is based of my “Barnes Family Au” thing I have going, I never posted any of the og fics I have on this au plotline, I might one day. Mike and Reader end up adopting a baby boy,Milo, and not even a month later they find out Reader is pregnant. This just takes place a few months later.)

“Mike are you sure about this? He’s still so little, I don’t know if we should do this…”

Reader bounced Milo in her arms, the baby boy giggled and squealed in her arms. His big eyes looked between her and Mike as they talked.

“It’s twice a week, what harm would it be to put him in daycare? You need a break now that your just around the corner from popping.” Mike smirked as he pointed at her heavy round belly. Reader rolled her eyes as her free hand rested on her bump. She was around six months along with their baby girl. It was true that the added weight and over all pregnancy symptoms where starting to change and grow. She held onto Milo tighter.

“Fine, we can try it just once and we can see how it goes. I don’t know how Milo will do being separated from me during the day, I just know he’s also going to be upset about not being near his sister.” The baby girl in side of her moved, making her insides flutter. Mike smiled as they both started to walk into the daycare building.

Not even ten minutes later Reader was storming out of the building with a slightly frustrated Mike following close behind her.

“Nope nope can’t do it, he is staying at home with me until the minute I pop!” Milo’s cheeks where flushed and fat tears stained his face, snot dripping from his nose. His little hand gripping at his mama’s shirt. Rubbing over her prominent bump. He cried out as he was put in his car seat.

“He’s spoiled.”

“He is not! He’s just scared and he should be at home with me!”

“He’s spoiled, you spoil him and he doesn’t want to be around anyone else now. Just admit it babe.”

“…..shut up and get in the car, my feet hurt and I want to make some cookies when we get home.” Milo’s tears stopped and he snorted up a snot bubble, he clapped at the sound of cookies.

Mike rolled his eyes as he waited for his wife to get into the car so they could go home.

[metaldragoon]

Well, I was tagged by @lordsky4ever​ to shuffle and list the first 10 songs on my playlist and post them, and I don’t want to let my countryman down.  I spent like an hour listening and writing about every song AND NOW it appears I cannot add music to a post on Desktop, so I made a separate post with those songs on my phone and then thought I’d edit in what I wrote after, but I also cannot do that on desktop.  A miserable disconnect.  Anyways, BELOW THE CCUT! you can read what I wrote about my post you just scrolled past if you want.  Thankfully the add music feature puts the songs in backwards order so everything I wrote is in opposite order so it’ll either start or end really inconveniently depending on how you read/listen, if anyone does such a thing, which I don’t expect anyone to because 10 songs is a lot and I would never do that as I find Tumblr’s music player/Spotify extension to be both inconvenient. But, perhaps you at least know one or two songs already and can read my small thoughts on that, even though half of the songs I don’t really have anything to say about it.

1. Counting Stars by Sugarcult - One of the most depressing songs of my life! I don’t recall the specifics of what I did when I first listened to it but I know who I have a lot of associated thoughts with regarding this song.  It’s a go-to whenever I’m sad and want to just continue to being sad.  I know I originally liked some other song by them called “Bouncing Off The Walls” which is probably what lead me to listening to more by them, but BOTW (I don’t think that acronym is used for anything else) is a much more upbeat song as the band is in general, and I don’t think I really vibe with much of their other songs. 2. Psychotubes by Moon Hooch - I know nothing about this band, this is just some Spotify suggested song that I really liked.  They’re described as “jazz fusion/nu jazz” but I have no idea what either of those genres mean.  They be drumming and saxophoning and it’s a good song to run to (this entire playlist was my go-to running playlist when I used to have CELLULAR DATA) 3. Low by Cracker - Kind of a grungy country rock song, reading their Wiki which is what I think I will do with every band while I listen through all these songs and speak my thoughts, it appears to be their most popular song. I do find myself particularly disliking the band name Cracker, seems like I am on to some confederate jams or something.  Spotify has already subjected me to two ad segments over 3 songs. 4. Wait and Bleed by Slipknot - I didn’t really listen to Slipknot until after high school although I would say I am a pretty big fan now, but this is the one song I consistently listened to before the rest of Slipknot presented themselves to me.  I remember in Gr. 9/10 there was a hot emo girl named Michelle that I had a crush on and always thought about when I listened to this song because the lyrics go inside “my shell” I wait and bleed but I thought it was “Michelle.” In the end I don’t believe I ever spoke to her in my life because I am a social recluse 5. Ghosts by the Presets - Another band I don’t know anything about, or at least the name “Presets” but they have a very generic pop sound that I was a little embarrassed about because I thought it might be like Coldplay or something.  Apparently they are Australian and very popular.   6. Kill Your Darlings by Mesh - I don’t know Mesh either, but I do find this song really good.   I’m confused because they have 7 albums on Wiki but they’re all red links and despite being British are just popular in Germany.  Maybe I need to get on the .de to figure out more. 7.  Shutterbug by Big Boi - Apparently this song came out in 2010 which feels weird I thought it was way older.  Anyways, I love it, one of my favourite beats and a lot of times it was the first song I sought out whence beginning my trots. 8. We Will Rock You by Queen - I remember as a kid I was convinced this song was in Final Fantasy IX but later learned that was just Kuja’s boss theme which isn’t terribly similar.  I think it’s a pretty funny song but I won’t lie it still pumps me up. 9. Never Come Down by Cunninlynguists -  I think it was two years ago I finally listened to Cunninlynguists, who I’d heard of a while ago ‘cuz their name stands out but is also kind of dumb so I never bothered, but I was really hooked once I did hear.  This isn’t my favourite song and my one hater friend criticised me for listening to them ‘cuz they do dumb lyrics I guess but I’m a big fan.  I played a lot of TRACKMANIA while listening to them.   10. peacefall by Purity Ring - Mmm I was sad one day and it was pouring out in the middle of the nights so I took a very long walk and I posted a video of the rain on here and I was listening to this song looping when I did that.  I only know like 3 songs by Purity Ring and they seem amazing but I’m bad about actually remembering to listen to bands.  I’ve been thinking a lot about songs to use for an AMV for Berserk if I ever did one and this song has been a heavy contender.

[agentzedbooks]

Big Emotional post:

So my girlfriend and I had dinner, and the difficult talk I think we’ve both been avoiding, but had to have.

One of the reasons we broke up years ago was that she was polyamorous, and I wanted a monogamous relationship. Well, apparently, our separate paths didn’t work out so well. For my part, I almost got married a few years later, but then was ditched less than a week before the wedding and spent the next three years in such a deep hole of depression and self loathing that I really don’t know how I survived some days. It took me a long time to claw my way back up from that. I call that chapter of my life “Whisky and razor blades.”

And she went off to the other side of the country to live in some kind of commune, wound up getting into trouble with almost everyone there by acting, and these are her words “like an entitled cunt.” So sensing they might kick her out, she left, and spent the next few years bouncing from job to job, finally carving out a little position for herself with a law firm. She moved out here to the East Coast to take a better position in the firm, and decided to look me up randomly.

We both talked about how our experiences changed us, and neither of us want what we did in our twenties. I’m never going to propose or accept a ring, and she craves the kind of stability she didn’t have for over a decade.

It was... a good hurt. Like, you know when a scab comes off, and it kind of hurts and itches, but the skin underneath is new and fresh?

And I think we both have a better understanding of what love really is. I used to think love was something you felt when you were drunk on the presence of another person, swept up in emotion and dizzy just at the prospect of being with them. And that is a kind of love, to be sure. But it’s not the lifetime kind of love. Because eventually, one of you sobers up. And that’s when the real love shows it’s face, and i’s the one holding your hair as your bad decisions purge themselves out of your body. And then you both look at each other, and see if you’re still going to want to be with that person when things are ugly, or scary, or even tragic. Are they holding your hair? Are they telling you, without words, that they will be by your side when the drunkenness wears off?

With my fiancé, it turns out the answer was no. And with her, now, I sense the answer is yes. But the thing is, we are such different people now. We have been through a lot of darkness.

When we parted ways tonight, our hands lingered for a moment, and I saw her eyes, still a little moist and red from the tears, and she smiled at me. I started to realize that we actually had craved the same thing all those years ago. We just didn’t know how to tell each other.

I think I am falling in love with her, and her with me. But we are still picking up the pieces of our broken selves. We each have to decide if we’re going to help the other, and what we will endure to do so. We both want the lifetime kind of love.

[dameronology]

can i request from your agnst song lyrics list 1) "i had all of you, most of you, some and now none of you" - the night we met, lord huron? maybe from nat’s perspective bc she lost reader please? 🥺

of course!! i hope u enjoy <3 this came out in a weird format but ?? we move

natasha romanoff + ""i had all of you, most of you, some and now none of you"

Natasha could count the five occasions on her right hand during which she knew she was going to lose you. As each one passed, she could tell that you were slipping away bit by bit; at first, it was just a little. A tiny bit of distance, but something you could bounce back from. Then it became a deeper and deeper divide, until she'd passed the point of no return and lost you completely. The worst part was that she knew it was happening. She was fully aware that you were slipping through her fingers and she had done nothing to stop. There was only one person to blame, and Nat knew who it was.

The first time she knew was when she'd missed an important dinner date - a cliche, really. It had happened to everyone at some point or another but this one? It had been a particularly important one. A big PR night for the Avengers, where she'd promised to be by your side and help put on a united front. You'd set a reminder on her phone, written it on the calendar in her office, and even sent her a final text on the big day. Then her meeting had overran, and she had a conference call, and four hours later, the realisation hit her like a truck. She'd forgotten. She'd taken on too much work and let you down.

"I am so sorry!" Nat burst in the room, fiery hair all over the place. She had quickly come in a rush, and her less than subtle entrance only brought more embarrassment to the warmth on your cheeks. "I was working, and I lost track of time-"

"- you had one job, Natasha," you hissed. Standing up from the dinner table, you awkwardly moved over to her and shoved a glass of champagne in her hands. "You said you had booked the day off weeks ago."

"There isn't a day off when you're an Avenger," she softly reminded you. But, the presence of Bucky, Steve, Tony, Peter and literally every other fucking super-hero in New York told you other-wise.

"Yeah, I know," you murmured. "C'mon, let's just sit down."

"I really am sorry, honey," Nat pushed.

"I know," you repeated. "Just...be on your best behaviour for the rest of the evening."

You'd written it off as a blip; so what if Natasha had made a mistake? Despite all her prior accomplishments, she was a human being. Work was important to her and you totally got that. It was important to you as well, and you had always supported each other.

More than anything, you were just grateful it had been a work related incident than anything. The first few months of your relationship had been plagued with Nat pushing you away and consistently shutting you out - it had taken a long time for her to open up to you, and even longer for her to trust you. You were glad whatever argument had come her mess-up hadn't been her doing the same all over again.

Or so you'd hoped - because the second time she felt you slipping away? It was a little more serious.

"Natasha," you sighed, "you need to tell me these things."

"It's nothing, I promise," she murmured.

"A gunshot wound isn't nothing!" you countered. "The worst part is that I found out about it from Bucky's Snapchat story."

She frowned. "Bucky has Snapchat?"

"Yeah, he meant to to send it to Steve, but accidentally posted it publicly instead," you gave a derivative snort. "But that aside, you can't keep things like that from me. I thought we didn't have secrets. Nat."

"We don't, sweetheart," Nat replied. "I just didn't want to scare you."

"You scared me more by not telling me," you shot back. "Just...please tell me next time? Don't keep me out the loop."

She forced a smile. "I won't."

But she did.

So much so, in fact, that you found yourself almost losing Natasha completely. She would no longer tell you about where she was going on missions, or when she would be back - it was all just a giant question mark. And not that dissimilar from how it had been at the beginning of your relationship. She'd been secretive, then; keeping you out the loop and not opening up when she clearly experienced something traumatic.

You'd always been there for her, but you didn't want to force it either. You were just hyperaware that you were the only person you spoke too, and if she stopped talking to you? That meant she was bottling it all up. That was never healthy.

"Steve said there were deaths," you called after Natasha, helplessly following her through your shared apartment. "Five men down, Nat, and you don't even want to talk about it a little?"

"I'm not good at talking," Nat muttered. She stalked through to the bedroom, throwing her go-bag into the back of the wardrobe. "Don't force me."

You stopped in your tracks. "You're right. I'm sorry. I just...I don't want you to bottle it up, y'know? That's not good for you. I guess I'm just letting you know that the offer is there."

"Thank you," Nat forced a smile. Again. "I appreciate it."

"I also don't want you to shut me out," you continued. "I've been through that with you before and I don't want to do it again. It almost killed both of us."

"Hey, I'm sorry," her face fell, and she softly reached out, pulling you into a hug. "I won't shut you out. I promise."

Natasha managed to break both of her promises; the one about keeping you in the loop, the one about not shutting you out.

It came naturally to her, you see. She was a solitary person; raised by design to be self-sufficient and to not let anyone in. At the Red Room, finding support in others had been a sign of weakness and try as she might, Natasha couldn't shake the habits that were engrained into her brain. She wanted to - for you, she really did - but it was hard.

It didn't take long for things to come to a head. You weren't an idiot; you knew when Natasha was icing you out. It had hurt too much the first time round and there was no guarantee that you'd have it in you to see it through a second time. You figured that space might be good - not a break up, but just some time apart.

"Natasha, we need to talk."

She hated the words as soon as they left your mouth - so did you. There was never a good conversation that started with we need to talk. It was always either a separation or an ultimatum, and you were too tired for the latter. Proposing a break seemed like the best thing for you both.

Nat frowned. "What's up?"

"I won't beat around the bush," you began. "I think we should take some time apart."

You could see Natasha's face fall instantly, but she couldn't deny it that it hadn't come as a shock. Something - a trial separation, a break-up, an argument - had been brewing for a while. She was just good at dancing around it.

"Really?"

"Yeah," you admitted. "We're both tired and it feels like we're slipping back towards how things used to be."

"You're right," she agreed. "I'm sorry. You know I love you, right?"

You smiled. "I know - I figured you could use the time to work out what you want. See if you wanna talk to someone professionally, or if you just want to...y'know."

"Know what?"

"If you want to break-up permanently," you finished the sentence with a wobble in your voice. "Ball's in your court, Nat."

The ball was in her court - and she basically let it deflate.

Because for Natasha, emotions were scary. You'd left the apartment with a promise between you that she would be the one to make the final call.

A month and I'll call you, is she what she had said.

A month and I'll call you, is she what she had promised.

It was a slow month. You didn't hear from Natasha at all; when you went to collect your mail from the apartment, she was out. She barely showed her face at the office these days and her presence on social media was gone. Her name no longer popped up on the viewers list for your Instagram or Snapchat story. There were no more good morning texts.

Then that slow month turned in a slow five weeks. Then six. Then seven. Then two months had passed, and you hadn't heard a single thing.

Not until a cold Monday evening, when you were holed up in your new apartment watching an old episode of Seinfeld. The presence of your friends, paired with old sitcoms, was the only thing getting you through the Natasha-induced drought. A knock on the door only made it worst.

"One second!" you called.

Throwing your blanket aside, you put down your soup and shuffled over to the front door. Out of habit (one that Nat had taught you), you peered through the peephole - your heart practically stopped when you saw a head of red hair and green eyes. It was unmistakably your Natasha.

"Nat," you greeted her with a cold tone as you opened the door. "Fancy you making an appearance."

"I am so sorry," she began. "I just needed time. I needed time to think-"

"- I gave you a month!" you cut her off. "And I would have given you more if...if you had just asked. If you had just spoken to me, or communicated with me."

"I know," she murmured.

"No, Nat," you firmly said. "I don't think you do. I don't think you know at all - about what you're doing or how you're making me feel."

"I..." she trailed off. "I love you."

"You don't fucking act like it," you snorted. "I could deal with at first - all the miscommunications and random disappearances, but I'm done now."

"I just want one more chance - please?"

"No," you snapped. "You've made your bed. Now lie in it."

And she would; she would lie in it alone.

[quietrainfan]

Hey! Anyone want some heavy platonic Loceit angsty headcanons I've extracted from the new episode? Well, too bad because it's happening regardless. :)

Yes, also some Unsympathetic Patton. You know what blog you're on. (This interpretation/headcanon shall not die. Not here.)

(Also, this is going to combine my observations and thoughts as well, so sorry in advance if this post turns out as a bit of a mess.)

Alright, so! Orange Side confirmation. How we feelin', Sanders Sides fandom, how we feelin'?

Honestly, the Orange Side theory wasn't something I was really all that into. It was a 'meh, could be cool' headcanon for me personally. But I have to say the way the reveal was handled made me jump in my seat with pure joy. No joke, I audibly gasped when Logan's eyes flashed orange.

It was all downhill from there, I was excited. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm a sucker for character's eyes glowing when they've reached their limit or are displaying a power they've never shown before, combine that with an unexpected reveal and I'm sold.

Plus, glowing eyes have been a common theme with Unsympathetic content and Dark Side headcanons so you could imagine how the first peak into the Orange Side's existence (or, rather confirmation. we all saw the 'hello' hint, Orange, you cheeky little munchkin.) was his color in Logan's eyes made me feel. It was so cool!!! Ah!

Then Thomas had to tease us again at the end card with our boy Orange's eyes popping up in the darkness, waiting for his chance to be too loud to ignore. Like, the audacity. Who do you think you are, Thomas?! (That was a joke. Sorry, I'm just really pumped.)

Also, Remus got quite a few laughs out of me. Ah, I missed him.

Okay, headcanon time! We're going to do Logan first, then Janus, then combine the two. Sound good? Alright, here we go (Trigger Warning for discussions of alcoholism, please if anything I write here sounds insensitive or inaccurate, let me know and I will edit. Also, no need to read if you don't want to. Stay safe.) :

Logan

Logan knew where to grab for that alcohol bottle.

I mean, I guess that makes sense since he lives there and is naturally the most observant Side. But...that bottle's placement was a little too convenient.

Sure it was played up as a joke and it was funny.

But something about the way Logan threw his coffee into the sink and quickly replaced it with the wine stuck out to me.

I've joked about Logan and/or Janus having to "drink to cope" due to sharing the single brain cell Thomas has amongst all the chaos. But seeing that in an actual episode, even as a gag, is kind of...different.

Let me explain.

This may be a common thing for Logan that he struggles with.

He wakes up early to be the first one to help Thomas start the day, naturally. Logan goes to make his cup of coffee and there's always the lingering urge to take a sip of wine before anyone can see because he just...can't face everyone without needing just a little bit of it to cloud out all the gross, petty, negative feelings he experiences every day around them.

He's logic. He can't be drinking and risk any more harm to Thomas's function.

So, it's a constant battle with coffee vs wine, coffee vs wine, coffee vs wine-

Most of the time Logan is able to resist and go with the coffee.

It doesn't make him feel good in the slightest. If anything it makes him feel even worse knowing he'll be more alert that day.

Logan hates that was even a thought at all. He needs to be alert. Otherwise everything will fall apart. He is the rock in the system and without him everything will crumble.

Such a selfish mindset. He needed to focus.

Other days Logan just doesn't have it in him to discard the wine regardless of how much he wants to.

He knows what the day holds for him. It was all so repetitive at this point. Logan knew when he wasn't able to get through it despite it all.

That didn't stop him from shaming himself for caving. He should be able to handle this. He's made so much progress with resisting it up to this point but today he through it away again because he just had to, right?

Sometimes Logan finds himself "cheating" by hiding a couple drops of wine into his coffee on days when he chose the coffee but later felt particularly bad about...a lot of things, into his second cup.

Logan more often times chooses neither. The temptation for clouding out the others was just too strong and was a waste of time.

Logan is beyond tired of the others.

Every single action they have agitates him now. No matter how minor it is.

Roman's loud voice and constant references makes Logan's toes unconsciously curl beneath his shoes. Even a silent warm smile and wave from the prince fills Logan with an unpleasant tingle in his knuckles.

Virgil's neverending foreboding and unnecessary nasty remarks that he doesn't even bother to filter provokes Logan's new habit of biting his tongue. Any kindness he ever gives him makes his stomach twist.

Patton's nicknames, poking for for a laugh, his "sweet" way of shoving away any objection he may have, how casually he behaves as if he isn't part of any problems- how quickly he's prepared to "bounce back". Logan feels like every word, action from him something steps on a guitar cord in the back of his mind that makes the ugliest, loud, screeching sound. He feels this strange warm fuzzy ache he can't define. All he hears is that cord playing faster and faster the longer he stays in their presence. Logan no longer trusts himself alone with Patton.

Logan thinks if he just separates from the others long enough, the ugly strumming noise will go away.

But he's so wrong.

Logan can hear it even when he's all alone. When it's finally silent, he still can't get rid of it.

It's loudest when Logan is alone in his room. Logan has lost count of how many nights he's spent clenching his head, quietly sobbing, and praying for it to just go away already.

Logan often feels like he's losing it.

On nights where the sounds are particularly louder than usual, he swears he can see orange shadows creeping around him, lights of the color flashing on and off, he sometimes even sees it seeping in and out of the cracks of his door like a thick fog. At times he'll even wake to it glowing absurdly bright through his window.

It's just the sunrise. Logan tells himself. He has to believe that. Everything else looked normal, after all.

What's worse is Logan doesn't know how long he's been hearing this sound or seeing the strange lights.

Patton knows about Logan's late night and early morning struggles.

But surprise, surprise, he pretends as if he's nonthewiser.

If either Virgil or Roman asks about Logan, Patton will answer: "Oh, that silly billy's probably got his head in one of his astronomy books again! I wouldn't bother him right now."

Knowing full well he's having an emotional breakdown in his room that gets worse every day.

Knowing about the little sneaks of alcohol in his hot morning beverage. Might even speak about yummy drink combinations when they hang out in the living room, while Logan is present, specifically and even only on the days Patton knows he's cheating with his bad habit, while he's still drinking it.

The further Logan is to the edge, the better. Patton is still bitter about the events of Redux ending in his favor, after all. He needs leverage from somewhere.

When Thomas left to see Nico, Logan heard the cord again. His chest tightened and though he could feel the tears welling up, he kept them down.

Thomas hasn't been very happy lately. He had to let him have this.

No matter how loud those cords get.

Janus

I noticed that Janus was either unseen by the others or unacknowledged by them.

Janus was near all of them but far enough that he was separated.

He could've just popped up at the end without them noticing but...that's less angsty therefore less fun so-

Janus has been the instigator for bringing Sides that have been hidden away to be brought to light for a long time. If the assumption that Janus let Remus out is true.

He's always been hinting at upcoming events that are sure to come if Thomas continues to ignore certain aspects of himself.

He knows. He knows our Orange boy is getting worse and soon will be too loud to ignore. Janus wants to protect Thomas but that's becoming harder every day. Thomas is making it harder.

Janus will reveal the Orange Side eventually. And very soon. Hell, that's looking like less and less of a choice considering Logan's...outburst.

I think Janus has this painful awareness that he can be seriously hated for doing his job. After all, he's always the one who's forced them to acknowledge uncomfortable truths about Thomas.

He's the one giving them all of those hard pills to swallow and especially after Remus, it is definitely overwhelming and exhausting to be met with.

They question their roles more and more because of how used they are to the fixed mindset Thomas has had for such a long time.

That can't feel good.

Janus knows that his job may cause more hatred to fester the more that's revealed.

Janus is being kept at arms length and he knows that won't stop any time soon.

But he's a clever snake. That won't keep him from keeping an eye on Patton.

(Find it real suspicious that Patton was all mushy with Janus in that end card but still is at a big distance from him.)

Loceit

Janus will sometimes find Logan in the common room with his head in his arms, sprawled out against the coffee table. His glasses being discarded from half his face, unmistakable tears lazily dripping out of his lifeless eyes.

Janus would wordlessly go to the sink and grab a glass, filling it with water.

Janus goes over to Logan, giving him a gentle rub on the back. He urges him to sit up. It takes Logan a few minutes but eventually does.

Janus hands Logan the water, supporting the back of his neck as struggles to get it down, reminding him to take his time.

Janus takes his glasses and gently sets them on the table. He hands Logan some tissues.

Logan lifelessly takes them and tries to clean his face. But he always ends up crying into them.

Janus moves Logan unkempt bangs from his face before moving his head to his shoulder. Janus manifests a warm blanket over Logan and uses a bit of his abilities to soothe the shorter man's pain, tenderly putting pressure on his neck.

Janus and Logan have a talk. Logan always asks why he bothers to stop and comfort him.

"You've helped me through a lot, Logan. Not returning the favor is out of the question."

That was always his answer.

Janus and Logan do this often.

Janus opens up about sometimes needing a bit of a drink himself from time to time. Though mostly that consists of tea more often than not, he sometimes has a glass of wine or two to relax on days when it's particularly hard.

He feels ashamed of it. Janus has to be the strongest out of everyone, especially the Dark Sides. Allowing things to faze him was the worst case scenario. At least, to that degree.

But Janus understands that isn't his fault and urges Logan not to blame himself, either. While he hated that weakness he occasionally submitted to, he wasn't going to let the rare slip up to define the worth of his role.

Logan thinks that Janus really is the strongest out of all of them just for saying things like that and he's being too hard on himself.

On nights when things become too much Janus will sit with Logan and share a drink. They try to have as many conversations without wine as possible but sometimes Janus says "screw it" and sits with Logan with one or two drinks.

Just having Janus there helps Logan choose his coffee in the mornings and feel as if he's being heard even a little bit.

Now if only those cords could actually quiet down, that'd be even better.

[palbabor-writes]

I know you said you only might accept pregnancy requests depending on what it is so I wanted to try 😅 how about shigaraki and reader break up while she’s unknowingly pregnant with his child and he bumps into said child years later and connects the dots that it’s his? If you don’t like it feel free to ignore this request 😊

I liked this nonnie.

I am terrified that by saying that I’m going to be inundated with pregnancy HC’s, lol. But, this request I really leaned into. Plus, it’s more about a kid than a pregnancy. 

So, thank you for asking and letting me slip out of my comfort zone. It’s always good to do that every once in awhile and this ask was a great reminder of that.

It’s a bit melancholic, but I think it fits with Tomura, at least, in my mind.

Now, this is not in canon. This is not like, pre-war arc, or post-war arc. If anything, it’s more of an AU. I’d put Tomura in his late 20s to early 30s.  

warnings: none really, just some sweet, sweet interactions and mild angst 

Hestia Hestia, in Greek religion, is the goddess of the hearth, a daughter of Cronus and Rhea, and one of the 12 Olympian deities. When the gods Apollo and Poseidon became suitors for her hand, she swore to remain a maiden forever, and Zeus, the king of the gods, bestowed upon her the honor of presiding over all sacrifices. 

The shouting noise of children set his teeth on edge.

Toga had insisted that the bus stop by the school was the best place for the information exchange.

They won’t look for you there, she’d assured him. It’s like hiding in plain sight. Yeah, it’s patrolled, but it’s only an old security guard who does the rounds. Besides, he’s retired from the police force, she qualified, and was more like a lazy cat than an attentive scent hound.  

It’s the best place, really.

So, Shigaraki had made the long trek across Tokyo.

He kept to the shadows as he weaved his way through back alleys and streets. Although the dominance of the League had waned some over the years, he was still a wanted criminal, responsible for countless death and threats on hero society.

He was still the King of his slice of the underworld.

Besides, he reassured himself as he loitered by the bench under the bus stop, he could trust Toga.

She had improved in leaps and bounds as she came of age; deadlier, sleeker, more attuned to the ebbs and flows of the world around her. She wasn’t that girl who chattered about blood anymore.

Oh, she still held a strange fascination with the fluid. But she had more control over those impulses that drove her. If she said it was the best place, well, who was he to argue? Toga had been with him from the beginning, a vital ally. Hell, at this point she was close to being a friend.

Shigaraki is still musing when the ball taps its way to his feet.

It clatters against the pavement; the rubber shuttling it along the loose rocks and leaves. Unthinkingly, Shigaraki lifts his shoe to balance against its unbound movement, stilling its lulling bounces.

Must be from that schoolyard, he thinks, his red eyes flashing up at the low chain-link fence that separates the school grounds from the busy street.

There’s no child dashing their way to retrieve it, so he lets his gaze slip from the teeming masses of giggling youngsters. It’s a pretty blue. The ball looks new. Hardly a scuffed and battered thing.

He keeps it under his sole, toying with it, rolling it meditatively as he slips back into his thoughts.

“Hey! That’s mine!”

It’s a small voice that calls to him and he turns his head back to the fence, looking for the source.

It’s a girl.

She’s leaning against the metal, her hands clutching into the links, cocking her head inquisitively at him.

Her nose wrinkles at his silence, and she shouts another demand.

“Mister, that’s my ball. Toss it back.”

“Aren’t you supposed to say please?” Shigaraki taunts, his lips lifting in a quick grin. He’s not sure why he’s bothering to engage with this kid, but something about her plucky attitude resonates with him.

She leans away from the fence, that scowl deepening on her soft features.

“Aren’t grown ups not supposed to steal things?”

He laughs at her snark. He can’t help it. Oh, this kid’s fun.

Carefully slipping the ball into his hands, he moves closer to the fence. He can see her a little better now.

She’s still got that deep frown on her face and her dark hair is gleaming in the afternoon sun, some strands catching the light, reflecting a deep, auburn, hue. He’s just about to chuck the ball to her when he catches sight of her eyes.

They’re red.

Not that red eyes are unusual. There are plenty of people milling around Tokyo with them. But hers are different.

No, these eyes are like looking into a mirror for Shigaraki. They flint and glare with the same sheen as his own. It’s a prefect reflection.

His feet suddenly feel heavy, leaden, and he can’t lift his arms. Who is this child? Why does she-

“Ok, ok, mister. Can I please have my ball back? You’re still stealing it if you don’t, so I’m not apologizing for that. I might... if you give it back to me, cuz’ it’s my ball, not yours. And, stealing makes you a thief.”

She’s rolling those uncanny irises at his stiff form, and a huffing sigh escapes her small mouth.

“What’s your name?” Shigaraki asks, hands trembling over the rubber of the ball.

“Not supposed to tell that to strangers, mister.”

He smiles again, bemused. Well, he thinks begrudgingly, she’s a clever little thing. Whoever she is.

A sharp bell echoes across the yard and she turns her head at the sound, her dark hair tumbling around her shoulders.

“Here,” Shigaraki relents, gently flipping the ball over the fence, bouncing it to her feet.

“Thanks,” she murmurs, quickly snatching up her prize. Those red eyes of hers meet his own, and he can feel a low shiver echo up his spine. What’s up with this reaction? It almost feels visceral, like some sort of otherworldly pull on him.

“Sorry I called you a thief,” she apologizes, quickly bowing her head, ducking those eerie eyes from view.

He’s not sure what to say, so he continues to watch her. She doesn’t seem perturbed by this, opting to giggle at him as her little head lifts.

“You’re weird,” she assess, a smile finally spreading over her lips, her cheeks rounding and softening. 

Tch, she’s rude, but she’s also cute, Shigaraki thinks, snorting at her frankness.

She turns, dashing away from him, her dark hair flowing around her back as she goes.

Shigaraki shakes his head, trying to dislodge those lingering questions that keep floating to the back of his mind.

He’ll never see her again, he reasons, wandering back to the bus stop. Trying to tamp down the urge to look for her again, to pinpoint her from the other giggling and shouting children on the playground.

But he did see her again.

He comes back to the stop a few weeks later.

There’s no information pickup this time. There’s no real reason for him to even be on this side of town.

He just can’t get her out of his mind.

This little kid had shaken something within his psyche. He kept dreaming about her. Well, not her, really. No, there was someone else haunting his dreams.

He hasn’t thought about you in years.

But now? Now, he can’t get you out of his head. He even feels like he can feel you some nights, warm against his side. He sulks in the memories of the familiar touches that the two of you shared, the love that you’d pressed into him, so, so long ago.

He saw the girl in those moments. Resting in your arms as you looked up, your eyes bright against her dark head. The girl would laugh and run to him, those reflective red eyes shining with mirth. 

It was fucking strange.

He both hated, and loved, the repetitive nature of these illusions. They made him feel safe and warm, but they also chilled him to his very bones. It was unsettling.

Unsure what else to do, he’d back come to the bus stop.

It’s early afternoon. Close to the time he’d visited it before. He waits on the lonely bench, his hands pressed together and that strange tremble races through his veins.

This is stupid, he thinks, his eyes lowering from the sea of kids, all twisting and turning in a heap as they play. It’s an impossibility, really. The chances of that girl losing her ball again is minuscule. There’s no way he can call to her either. It’s a waste. He shouldn’t even be here.

He’s standing to leave, when that small voice reaches him.

“Oh! You’re back.”

His head whips around, his long white hair glowing against the sunlight.

There she is.

She’s gripping the fence again, and she’s staring right at him.

Shigaraki smiles. It’s a gentle lift and he can feel his heart tapping a rough tattoo against his ribs. He steps toward her, kneeling when he gets close, careful to not overstep his bounds.

He’s not wanting to startle her.

No, he’s wanting to talk with her. Maybe she’ll drop some kinda clue why he’s so drawn to her. Or maybe she’ll morph into any other child again. Plain, uninteresting. Slipping from that odd ghost that she’s become to his subconscious. 

He hopes it’s the latter. But part of him also longs for it to be the former.

She’ll hop to the fence around 3:15.

She looks for him now, used to the routine of his presence.

He told her to call him Tomura, and the name falling from her lips made his heart ache.

Tomura stopped by on Fridays. Careful to not stay too long, to not draw too much attention to himself.

At first, he’d sneak her little trinkets. 

A little plastic toy of his, one that he had since he was a kid. She’d squealed with delight and clutched it to her. He’d grinned at that, remembering how he’d once held onto the thick plastic himself. 

Once, he’d just plucked a nearby flower as he walked to the school, presenting it to her outreached grasp. He’d watched proudly as she tucked it behind her ear, the color glossy beside her hair.

She’s still a sassy little thing. But she’s softened a little, too. Her voice losing that early, untrusting, edge.

He didn’t ask her much. Sometimes they both just sat in silence as she sketched designs into the dirt. Sometimes he would listen to her chatter about her day. Her classmates, her teacher. Once, she’d even pressed something over the fence to him.

It was a drawing.

He’s not sure if it really was all that well done, or if it’s just his heavy bias toward her. But he loves the mix of color and lines. He’d asked who the people were.

One was her friend, Kenji. One was her teacher. One was him.

He’d pinned it to the wall in his room. Displaying it, flaunting the gift. He looked at it every morning, admiring her work.

He’s late one day, and she scolds him, her small arms draping over the fence.

“I didn’t think you were going to come,” she chatters, her red eyes lingering against his, the two colors casting back the same hue.

“Was running behind,” Tomura replies, leaning against the low concrete barrier, resting his back against the fence.

Her little hands reach for his hair, playing with the pearlescent tendrils, weaving some into knots and braids. 

He doesn’t mind.

“Hey, Tomura,” she says, working a tiny hairband into her creation, her voice curious.

“Hmm,” he hums, careful to not shift his head, not wanting to disrupt her hard work.

“You didn’t ask my name again. At least… not after that one day.”

“Do you want me to ask?” He queries, his pulse lifting.

He’d wanted to ask her again, but he didn’t want to startle her, to shatter these innocences that they shared.

“It’s Beryl,” she answers. She says it confidently, and he turns to face her.

She grins at him, wiggling one loose tooth playfully at his serious expression, trying to tug a laugh from him.

“Beryl?” he repeats, unable to keep that awed hush from his raspy tones. It’s a pretty name. It suits her, really. But it’s strange. It’s not Japanese. 

You hadn’t been Japanese. 

“That’s a good name,” he assures her. “But, it’s not… you don’t hear that name very often.”

“Yeah,” Beryl concedes, her vermillion eyes roving over his face. “My mom’s not from here.”

His nostrils flare at that.

He hasn’t asked her about her mother. He’s unsure if it’s a general disinterest on his part, or trepidation. He fears it’s the latter.

Gulping, he tilts his head at her, feeling that soft braid she’s plaited into his hair shifting.

“Who’s your mother?”

“Who is she? She’s my mom, silly.”

“No,” he pauses, ignoring that creeping tremor that’s working its way to the top of his skull, his skin prickling and cooling. “I mean…what’s her name?”

“Oh! Her name is-”

“Beryl! Beryl, it’s time to come inside.” A teacher is calling for her. 

Tomura startles away, drifting to his feet and pacing quickly back to the bus stop. He can’t help the snarl that etches its way across his lips. He’d been so close. So fucking close…

He chances a glance back at the fence and catches sight of Beryl. She’s dashing across the playground, her dark hair waving in the sun.

Japan is about to slip into summer. School will come to a close, moving into a long break. He won’t see her again for almost a month.

His heart sinks at that realization and he grits his teeth. Slipping his hands into his dark trench coat, he steps across the street, away from the bus stop, away from the little girl that’s feeling more and more like his own.

Edit: oh hey. so, i couldn’t stfu about this and created a sequel: Materfamilias 

hahaha & part iii

[wrenhyperfixates]

Loki Series Thoughts—Glorious Purpose

Ok, I’m always nervous about posting my thoughts, but here we go. Spoilers ahead of course!!! (Disclaimer: Any gifs or images are not mine.)

Let’s start out with the episode’s name: Glorious Purpose. I know some people were a bit miffed about the emphasis put on the line, but I actually thought it worked well. It’s not so much that Loki actually believes in this “purpose,” but rather he is clinging to what he’s been told his purpose is. And by the end of the episode, he’s finally working through some of the things he’s been hurt by, abandoning what he’s been forced into and ready to be who he wants. Granted, it’s still going to take some time for him to come to grips with all that has happened, but I’m excited to see the journey.

The TVA. They undeniably suck. Whether or not it will be addressed directly, they are the (or one of the) antagonists in the show. What they are doing is, frankly, tyrannical. Three “time keepers” have taken it upon themselves to force countless versions of time and people into one single stream. And you know what? They can’t control that timeline. Not like they want to. As much as Loki’s line about “the weak” applies to himself, it applies to the TVA, too. It’s a facade of control that they cling to; if they truly had the right, the ability, to control time, everyone would follow their path. There would be no variants. Now, I could write a whole separate analysis on the MCU’s explanation of time travel. It’s convoluted and in a large way doesn’t make sense.

I’d like to talk about Loki’s characterization. I am, in a word, relieved. From the trailers, Tom seemed to be over-acting, something rather strange for someone so good at conveying deep emotions through nuanced actions. Now I believe any exaggerated lines from the trailers are just Loki trying to separate himself from who he’s been told he is, and trying to reinvent himself. I don’t think that’s a bad thing either; they’re not rewriting Loki, he’s just growing in a new way. And though this way is “new” I think it will be similar to what we’ve seen before. From what we’ve seen so far, there is good continuity, and they are addressing things about Loki that should be addressed in canon.

Loki projects. Most notably in the Avengers, but also a bit in Thor 1 and The Dark World, a lot of Loki’s lines can be applied to himself, though he is talking generally or towards another group. What comes to mind is actually something he touches upon again in the series. The illusion of freedom. And though it is not said that line in particular is him thinking of himself, it can be inferred based on his admission that the line in the gifs above apply to him. Also that little gesture when he says “weak” breaks me. He’s hurting so much.

Loki is not a villain. He may think he’s one because everyone else is telling him that, yet we’re already seeing it brought up that it’s not true. I can only hope that we’ll see Loki state this himself later in the series. He was largely forced to do what he did. It is not his fault, so how can he be a villain?

Loki cares. Tom’s acting is just *chef’s kiss* Seeing his mother’s death hurts so much. I love that his first response is denial. Loki is thrown into something he’s never known about before, being shown things that, to his knowledge, have never happened. But then when he’s had a few seconds to wander around the TVA on his own terms, he’s more come to grips with all that’s going on. So, when he’s by himself and see’s Frigga lying there, dead, it gets to him. Then seeing Odin still call him his son, he feels the slightest glimmer of hope, but also regret; he already knows in the back of his mind that he’s not actually going to get that. Loki’s living from second to second, trying to hold on. He probably thinks this ends with his death. (I do have issues with that Odin scene in context of Ragnarok but that’s more a tangential aside, so I’ll gloss over it for now.) Then seeing Thor and himself acting like brothers again is heartwarming. So just when he’s feeling uplifted, Thanos comes into the picture. He realizes how much control the titan still had over his life; he never really escaped. And in the end, Thanos made good on his promise. And that is terrifying! And he laughs at it. It’s a sad sort of laugh, one that’s slightly crazed. Loki feels that no matter what he does, it ends in pain. By the end of seeing all that, he is a man broken. Rather, more broken than he already was.

Loki is struggling. That’s nothing profound; it’s obvious. But where it really stands out to me is actually in a part I originally thought to be out of character. I am referring to “What if I was a robot and I didn’t know it.” Upon closer inspection, I realize it’s actually that his perception of himself has been so thrown that he really isn’t sure about his own chemical makeup anymore. Odin and Frigga keeping from him that he’s a frost giant made him so unsure of himself, he thought he might not even be a living being.

Nervous tics. Was I the only one noticing his leg bouncing when he talked to Mobius? And what about that scene when he’s sitting on the steps? He begins to pick at his hands. Note, that’s something he did in T1 after finding out he was a frost giant and while confessing to the Warriors Four about how he was the one who told the guard of their trip to Jotunheim. Just a little detail I really appreciated. (If anyone has gifs of any of these things, feel free to share :)

Mobius. I’ll be honest, I’m a bit undecided. I’m hesitant to say he’s evil. After all, we haven’t seen that much of him yet. However, I will say he is unscrupulous and manipulative. His questions weren’t to help Loki work through his trauma. Mobius was trying to goad him into helping, and likely was trying to gauge how much this Loki is like the variant he’s tracking. When Loki makes any admission of his feelings, it’s something he already knew, not a conclusion Mobius helped him reach. Mobius mocks him a bit and pushes his buttons because he sees Loki as a means to an end, and wants to know how easily he can get him to work with him. And what strikes me is how similar Mobius’s deal is to Thor’s deal in TDW. Thor doesn’t offer Loki freedom, he offers revenge. Mobius’s deal is just another variation of this. He can’t offer “salvation” but he can offer something “better”. Working for the TVA really isn’t better, though. So what does he mean? Well, I think he means a chance for Loki to prove he’s a hero. I hope as the show progresses it’s addressed that Loki doesn’t have to prove himself to anyone. That’s what he’s been doing his whole life, but I want Loki to see for himself that he doesn’t have to.

Miss Minutes. Propaganda. Plain and simple, it’s propaganda. Besides the way it praises the “time keepers” as amazing saviors, necessary to keep the world in order, it’s essentially saying “don’t think for yourself.” The whole point of the video is “the time keepers are great. The TVA is flawless. Trust us to decide everything. You have no autonomy in the world we want, so surrender your free will. Submit to the system we’ve decided is perfect and everything will be just fine.” Of course, by “just fine” they mean the variant will be pruned and the timeline will keep going as the time keepers see fit. The animation style was great though! It really fit.

The infinity stones. I think their inclusion makes sense. If you remember from Endgame, the stones being in the right place in the right time keeps the timeline from branching, and thus prevents the multiverse from being created. Likely, the time keepers used the stones to make their “sacred timeline.” Naturally, any variant time stones would cause a problem. That’s why they have so many extras. But think about how pointless so much of what happened seems. Nat, Gamora, Vision, Tony, everyone who was snapped, everyone who was left. So, literally the entire universe was flipped upside down for paperweights. It really puts Thanos’s pursuit of the stones into perspective, doesn’t it?

The cloaked figure. I think there’s some misdirection going on here in one way or another. Mobius says he’s chasing a Loki variant, then immediately it cuts to a scene with the cloaked figure. Our minds are likely to assume that is the variant then. But they don’t actually say it’s Loki, so I’m inclined to believe it’s not. Though, I don’t have enough information to say who I do think it is, I could make a couple of educated guesses and say Mephisto (he certainly interacted with Loki in the comics, plus there’s the stained glass window) or Sylvie. Well, whoever Sophia Di Martino’s character is. I know she was previously listed as Sylvie on sources such as IMDb, but that has since disappeared. But why would you have a “young Sylvie” (Cailey Fleming) without an older version? There is speculation Di Martino’s character will be Lady Loki, but I hope this won’t happen. If they make Lady Loki her own character, I doubt we’ll see Variant Loki get to be fluid. Even if it’s confirmed on the record, it’d be nice to see actually happen beyond a piece of paper. And with twist villains being such a prominent force in modern media, I’m interested to see who our cloaked friend really is.

Time travel. Like I said earlier, this is a lot. But I can’t talk about the episode and not mention this aspect in at least a little more depth. I don’t like how the MCU deals with time travel. I think it’s an unnecessarily complicated mix of a number of different, already complicated theories. However, I think Loki will ultimately escape from the TVA and create a multiverse too difficult to prune (and maybe he’ll actually get to burn the place down too!) This will then tie directly into Doctor Strange 2. Do you guys know what that’s called? The Multiverse of Madness. Actually, in the Miss Minutes propaganda, they almost exactly say “will throw the multiverse into madness.” Will we get to (finally!) see a certain raven-haired god meeting Dr. Strange? And maybe even the Scarlet Witch herself? Well, I’m not sure, but right now I think it’s looking pretty good!

And some random things that didn’t really anywhere else:

Peggy is in the background?! My thought here is that Steve wasn’t supposed to stay with her. This made not only a Variant Steve, but also a Variant Peggy. We may not see Steve, but I bet he’s been taken care of too!! And who knows? Maybe there will be a cameo later. Otherwise, it might be something that was cut from the show, or just a fun easter egg of sorts.

The score was so good! It sets the mood perfectly.

Loki is a good fighter. Even if he’s overpowered, he finds a way.

Some of the humor didn’t land, but that might just be a personal thing.

So now my final thoughts. It’s their strongest pilot yet. So much emotion crammed into less than an hour. A lot of exposition, too, yet it didn’t feel tedious (Endgame I’m looking at you). And then we get to delve into Loki’s psyche, something that really appeals to me! Overall, 9/10. I hope the rest of the series is as good!

Did I miss anything? Was there something you were hoping I’d mention and didn’t? Or do you have something to add or (politely!) disagree with? I’d love to hear it all! Remember, fandom is a safe space to talk about, analyze, and debate about things you enjoy. My ask box is always open with anon on. Reblogs and comments are great too. Thanks!

Me after watching the episode:

[mmmonie]

I have obey me brain rot and I physically cannot take it anymore so here are some random HCS I fucking busted out about demons under the read more (and some angel stuff thrown in. For fun. Spice is the variety of life or whatever) I formatted this on mobile so forgive me for my crimes pls..... 😔

Also as an fyi I have never written anything in my life <3 (and also I’m dyslexic) so if something sounds stupid I’m sorry lol <3 also I’m sure u can tell but I never know where to put commas so if that bothers u........sorry again lol

*There are (at least) two demonic languages: one is a bit like Latin albeit way more fucked up. The second one is spoken only. A human can learn to understand both but the second one requires a lot of concentration to discern due to the subtlety in the growls, clicks and other noises demons are capable of making. It’s also very dependent on body language, especially in demonic form.

*It would be nearly impossible for a human to be fluent in the second one because of that. (unless you’re like. A really good mimic?)

* the second one is the oldest language. The new language and it’s written counterpart are derived from it with a little twist, so you’ll still hear some interesting noises thrown in there. It would take some dedication to learn, though the written part is fairly easy once you get the hang of it. It was made to be read quickly and efficiently. The speaking part however...................good luck.

* Demons and angels can instantly pick up human languages including reading and writing. Wouldn’t do you much good to be summoned in like. Germany and not know the language LOL

* Demons purr LOL you can’t click and growl and NOT purr. Like cats, it is both a happy thing and a self soothing thing.

* There is a slight difference between a happy purr and a self soothing purr, but the difference depends entirely on the demon.

* Demons (and angels) are nearly impossible to kill. It’s also very hard to damage them in any meaningful way. They also heal very quickly, so even if you did get a good hit on one, if they managed to get away chances are they’d heal in a matter of hours.

* Stronger demons like the brothers are even MORE impervious to damage. The amount of times Beel’s reached into the oven barehanded just to pop a piping hot cookie in his mouth is insane. He swears it’s the best way to eat them.

* Angels are very stiff but very physically powerful. They have a lot of control over their bodies and are trained from a young age to be able to wield that power responsibly.

* Demons on the other hand are incredibly flexible and bounce back easily. Though your average demon might not be the same physical strength as an angel, they have agility on their side. Angels are heavy hitters where demons rely on their ability to strike multiple times very quickly.

* This was a very weird transition for the brothers, though the amount of strength they had barely changed between realms. Fallen angels don’t change that much strength wise, but a little bit is burned up in the fall (to protect themselves.)

* Angels may be strong but demons also posses a massive amount of strength and have to learn to control it over time. This is known as a “juvenile phase” but it happens at different ages depending on how they were born. Fallen angels do not go through this as they have already learned to keep a grip on their power. Do I have an entire separate post ready about this bc I just couldn’t shut up? Maybe...

* There are four ways of being “born” a demon. Fallen angels, half demons, human borns and natural demons.

* Humans can choose to be turned into demons, but it is a very painful process and they won’t be able to gain any strength, what they get is what the get. They are referred to as “human born” and were considered the lowest of the humanoid demons until Diavolo came into power.

* Human born used to just be made whenever by whoever but that caused problems. Demons would make human borns and then just leave them to flounder about by themselves in an unknown territory. Diavolo’s father put an end to that during his reign, but “accidents” still happen. Now you have to do paperwork if you want to turn your human friend/lover into a demon lol.

* The ceremony for turning humans into demons is incredibly complex, which is why banning making human born unless given permission is less of a problem than you’d think.

* Half demons are just that, they’re only half demon. Most are half human but there are a few other kinds of magical creatures mixed in there. They aren’t as strong as a natural demon nor a fallen angel but they can gain power through their other ancestry. Many of them specialize in unique kinds of magic.

* Half human/demon children aren’t as rare as you’d think they are. This is due to the fact that demons have all sorts of ways to keep a demonic baby alive. Ranging from shapeshifting and (magically) taking the baby themselves once it’s grown enough to handle the transition to various forms of potions and spells to help a human along.

* Half demons and natural demons have the luxury of being born already (mostly) acclimated to the devildom, making some of the transitions that come with a demons lifespan easier on them than human born and fallen angels.

* Angels are taught to control/ignore their instincts where demons are taught to rely on/embrace theirs. Because demonic instincts often work against the things taught in the celestial realm fallen angels have a hard time adjusting to their new environment. Though, as their sins overtake them, their instincts become easier to fall back on.

* Demons have multiple forms, not just the two shown in game. All in all, the brothers have 5, each becoming less and less humanoid.

* Half/human born demons are more likely to have both a tail and wings in their first demonic form. Stronger demons like the brothers are merely showing off the strongest of the two, but everyone has both. (Bc I think they slap LOL *points* u get a tail and wings! *u get a tail and wings*)

* •a demons features can be influenced by what sin they are, but it’s not a hard or fast rule. Don’t be surprised if a demon who looks more akin to Mammon is actually a Sloth demon.***this does not apply to little Ds who’s look is entirely dependent on their sin. Little Ds are an entirely separate conversation 😈

* human borns/half demons can have two sins assigned to them, though this makes them less powerful in both. Usually there is a more prominent sin.

* Diavolo’s rule has helped quite a bit with bringing humans into a new better light, and many natural born demons who haven’t been able to interact with the human realm have become increasingly curious about humans and the way they work. Much of this is due to media that was brought from the human world to sedate Dia’s intense curiosity.

* In the eyes of many older demons, humans are merely playthings and it is expected that most demons will eventually mate with at least one other demon. A human and a demon dating is seen as just infatuation on the demons part, and it’s often thought that there are no real feelings behind a relationship like that. However there have been/are many successful and happy human/demon relationships.

* Demons don’t really have a concept of marriage. They live so long there really isn’t a point to tying yourself to one single person (or a few people) However, that’s not to say that there aren’t relationships like that. There are binding ceremonies for expressing love and devotion to other beings and it has its own unique culture.

* though the gates to the human realm are still technically closed and have been for a long time, demons can still be summoned by witches (sorcerers, wizards, warlocks, whatever you call yourself.) They can also be successfully summoned if you are not a magic user, however this is rare and often can go wrong, much like horror movies.

* Summoning very powerful demons like the brothers is incredibly hard even for an extremely experienced magic user, so often the demon you get claiming to be Satan really isn’t LOL. There are demons who are actually assigned to go to summonings in the place of the seven lords of hell, but many demons will just take on the role to fuck around with whomever summoned them. You think a prince of hell has time to just go possess some object or person for fun? (Ok...Mammon Satan and Belphie might.......if they’re bored enough LOL)

* Demons are actually relatively cuddly creatures. They might be a little rough with strangers but base instincts with family members will always be to coddle rather than fight. They’re more like humans in that right.

* Angels don’t do much casual touching, they’re very uptight. Beel and Belphie being as close as they are was a bit of an oddity in the celestial realm. That’s not to say angels don’t need causal touch lol just that they were trained to avoid that “temptation”.

* the brothers had a hard time starting out in the Devildom because of this. They still have a hard time with casual touches, which is why they seem so touched starved with the MC.

Things I might elaborate on later:

* There is a difference between demons, incubi and succubi but it’s not what you think it is.

* Demons, angels and humans all have very different takes on gender.

* The juvenile phase (DO not tempt me I wrote out like 1000 words about it bc I couldn’t shut the fuck up)

* Animals in the Devildom are fucked up. I WILL fucking talk about this bc it’s my passion.

* Pacts and how they work..........

* Maybe I’ll also elaborate on the hierarchy/power structure of demons sometimes