#might have to write a fic ab this or smth
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ok but think about it,, minho ran three years in the maze.
meaning he had a first day of running. a first week. a first month. a first year.
so,, imagine:
he runs the inner sections first. then gradually, he runs the outer sections. mostly alone at first, until alby decides they need partners.
each day his legs becoming more tired. more sore.
he hides it. he hides the pains in his sides as he runs. he hides the pain that shoots up and down his legs from overuse. he hides the fact that his lungs feel like they could explode if he runs anymore.
he hides all of that bc he’s the fastest runner,, which eventually leads to him being named keeper.
none of the gladers know that he spends the rest of his day/night massaging his legs and stretching. none of them notice how his face twitches in pain when he sits down or stands up after sitting for too long. none of them see how hard it is for him to hide his pain not only physically but mentally as well.
#the maze runner#tmr minho#he eventually got used to the pain and the more he ran the stronger he got#but those first few months had to be hard on him#physically and mentally#might have to write a fic ab this or smth#i started to run so this is lowkey me just projecting but shh#my headcanons#ari rambles ab minho (per usual)#ari talks
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lowkey been thinking about making a discord server for mota writers (or readers who wanna contribute ideas/just have fun reading brainrot), ik there are existing mota servers but i feel like having one geared towards queer fic/writing specifically would be nice to have, since there are a lot for rp/x reader/general fandom already? open for more info if you're curious! vv
i'd love to have a personal space for everyone in there, like maybe having a specific channel for each writer (if they want it) so if anyone's keen on seeking out fic updates or reading ab wips and stuff from certain authors, it's easy to navigate. but then general channels too for brainrot, writing help, drabbles, collab seeking, requests/prompt fills, chatting, music recs, etc!
+ tag lists to choose from, like selecting whether you're a writer or reader or both, selecting what pairings you write for, basic things like age/pronouns, whether you want nsfw channels to be visible to you or not, all that sorta stuff. maybe fun monthly events too, like themed writing challenges, fic swaps, that kinda vibe? but also very casual and easygoing bc ik some servers can get overwhelming <3
i wouldn't post the link publicly, not to be exclusive tbc!! but bc i'd like to sus people out first to make sure there are no minors (personal preference since i'm sure there would be ample nsfw discussion for smut writing and headcanons lmaoo) or weirdos/trolls.
anyway! just been thinking ab this for a hot minute now, but with the summer approaching and probs a bit of a mota drought what with lots of the cast busy with other projects/promo, it feels like this might be a fun time to do smth like this. would love to know if there's any interest so ik whether it's worth putting the time into! and very open to brainstorming/suggestions/etc just lmk <3
– if this ends up being smth enough of us vibe with, i'll make another post once the server is made, but feel free to reply to this post or shoot me a message anyway if it's smth you'd like to be added to just so i can gauge interest. :)
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wait I’m dying to know why Carlos isn’t bunny’s boyfriend if he loves her and they have this bond and everything
is it possible he was a boyfriend and the move to Ferrari felt like enough of a betrayal for them to break up? if so, why would they still be hooking up? how does Oscar fit into the hierarchy of preference given the Carlos of it all?
(she says knowing full well she would definitely pick Carlos over… everyone? some days not Danny but you would have to pry that man out of my cold dead hands lol)
ugh preemptive apologies for my word vomit 😭 i just smoked and i kept trying to condense my thoughts and i cannot so here u go.
so to me, there’s like timeline i want to write fics based on? like certain asks that i get that i’ve strung together in my head. i could go through them and try to make a timeline if yall wanted?? like td we talked ab how lando and her meet and it’s like at a grocery store at the end of his rookie season. she’s a virgin. he’s like her first real kiss so they might not even fuck until months or almost a year into their relationship bc he’d want to take it slow, he’s traveling all over the world and she’s in school and can’t travel with him plus its super early on so she wouldn’t even if she could bc that seems too serious to do with her first boyfriend ever yk? they don’t start fooling w the grid around until this current season when oscar is his teammate, and max is the first one. so she has no feelings for carlos in my head. we talked about it briefly but she doesn’t have feelings for anyone else really? she cares about some more than others and certainly loves some but she’s in love with oscar and lando they’re her sun and moon!! she falls for oscar bc he’s very respectful of her and lando’s relationship and her as a person, he’d remind her of how sweet lando was to her early on in their relationship and she can’t help but fall for him.
but bc its just an au we can talk ab anything. when ppl send asks ab like carlos and lando being teammates and bunny liking them both im not gonna correct them and be like “bunny was an innocent virgin who just met them both, she would cry if she knew the dirty things carlos wanted to do to her” bc now that we talked ab how they met, they’d be going into 2020 and their last season as teammates, and she would have just met lando in the off time yk? so realistically she’s not having sex w lando and much less carlos when they’ve only met a few times when she has time off school to go see him.
when i get asks ab like carlos and lando being teammates and dating bunny i just like assume theres a dif backstory like childhood friends to lovers or smth? they’re like 16 yrs old and she’s nervous ab her first date so lando offers to teach her how to kiss. then it could be a cute lil thing where she doesn’t even go on the date bc she’s too busy kissing lando and then he makes up for it by taking her on a date ! she’s by his side thru everything instead of a sebastian vettel fan who meets him in a grocery store. then when he makes it to f1 maybe they have a threesome w carlos and they get attached even though they shouldn’t and it keeps happening. then carlos leaves them for ferrari. they’d try to be distant w daniel but he’s so smiley and cuddly with all his friends and they can’t take it and wind up wrapped in his sheets too. then he leaves and they meet oscar and the pattern repeats itself ! in some brainrots her and lando will pine after carlos if thats what ppl wanna send asks about and i’m gonna run w it and write brain rots about it. but if i write more one shots in the universe i’m gonna follow a set timeline based on certain asks bc they don’t all work together in a realistic timeline. i hope this makes sense.🫶🏻
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I noticed earlier you posted and stuff. I was mid-writing, but I just wanted to make sure you were ok. (Now finished and my brain literally wants to go jump into cold water and lowkey drown-) Honestly, I can understand the point of how you can feel like based on a fic. Honestly, who hasn't felt it as a writer? And the fact that shit we like/are passionate abt becomes a flop. It's confusing, 'cause writing should be full of you being passionate, but instead, it's basically getting slapped in the face like:
"Bitch, what is this?" "Me liking smth a lot? Me enjoying writing this?" "Ew." 38 likes.
Literally, it feels like that at points. Sometimes it feels like you shouldn't even feel passionate to write if you're gonna literally get 20 - 50 likes you wrote about 4k words on. Or that nobody even tries to socialize with you. I thought I'd at least get one ask already abt SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I'm still waiting, even with 100 followers now. I know, that's like high expectations, but now I don't honestly care abt it.
Sometimes I hate the fact I have to sexualize Leon in certain ways to be liked. I literally hate Respect Your Elders sm, you don't even understand. Yes, it feels like him, but at the same time, I look at it and feel disgusted. I know, basically started writing two-ish weeks ago, but I'm already getting into the mindset of looking at my past writing and going "icky". I honestly feel pressured to write like others and it sucks. It's a never-ending cycle for certain feelings, and it's so bfcuiewsdjkcnx!? LIKE, WHY CAN'T I ENJOY IT!?
But, in the end, sooner than later... You will be able to grow a small following. Looking at people like thevirgincherry, nexysworld, or explorevenus honestly inspires me. I know it might not inspire you, but honestly, write whatever you want. It's hard to break the mindset of likes/reblogs/interacting = worth. I still have yet to break that cycle, but slowly it's getting broken.
And no, it isn't exactly your period talking for you. Ok, maybe but mostly no. You're being honest about how you feel, and that's honestly valued by a lot of people. It may not seem like it at this point in time, but it feels human. It's a small thing people value a LOT. I know this may not exactly help you or exactly do whatever you wanted it to do. I'm just happy I can relate to someone about this.
About the commission part too, btw, I understand that. Honestly, I don't want to do commissions, but I can understand why a lot of people do it. To know someone actually LIKES your writing, like they get up, EXCITED, happy, WHATEVER! Literally fills every single writer with joy. Sure, you may not be getting vocal support, but I know without a doubt someone would smile, or their day gets brightened because you posted.
I just wanted to send smth in case you still felt bad! Idrc if you delete/post/answer/privately answer sooooo. But I hope you feel slightly better reading this!
(Tumblr pls send this mf I sat here for abt 10 min.)
thank you for sending this! (it kinda was my period tho lol i just started crying ab nothing) i'm totally fine, i am just sometimes cringe and not in the cute and quirky way. i need to learn to be normal about posting my writing. usually, i don't like the things that i write, but w/ daddy all along it's such a personal thing and i also enjoyed writing and like the finished product, so i care too much about what everyone thinks of it. and i don't care about fame or money, but i do want friends :( i want people to talk to about stuff, y'know? and one day (once i get better at writing lol) i want to be someone's favorite writer, i want someone to cry while they're reading my stuff, i want someone to beg me for updates. i've read certain fics that have made me audibly sob and i wish i could write that well. there's a fic that i've been reading that i love so much and i check my email all the time hoping it'll be updated. i have my fave fics downloaded to my computer so i can highlight the parts i like. one fanfic inspired me to write fanfiction and actually post it. like i'm in awe of some people. so, i put dual emphasis on everything. obv most of my works are smut so i don't expect them to emotionally affect people but i was crying while i wrote the ending of daddy all along so i want it to be emotionally evocative ig but yeah, i seek both to be liked as a person and for my writing to be liked and i just need to chill sometimes.
<3
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OKAYYYY I AM SAT! this fic has been in my tbr ever since i came out omfg im so hyped to finally be able to read it 😋 the tropes r literally catered to me bc wdym e2l wdym mutual pining wdym competitive bitches who r actually in love w each other THAT IS MY DREAM!!!!!!
“the reason is between you and god, to be honest” realest thing ever. i will not do things just because. i will not provide any explanations but u better make peace with my decision. reason is between me and god 🙏
WAIT OHMYGODDDD THEY BOTH LOOK UP TO EACH OTHER 🥹🥹🥹 that is so cute i adore a couple who love AND admire each other EUEUEUEUEU like u know the relationship is going LAST
WAIT WHAT THE HELLLL HE CONFESSED TO HER JUST LIKE THAT?&):?&):?&) bro’s INSANE. but y/n is insane bc wdym u’ll date him if he stands first in the finals……. fawk her i will date him RIGHT now heeseung be mine plsplsplspls PLEAS E
MIYEON AND HANBIN W FRIENDS!!!! i 100% agree w what they’re saying and i would kill to have such reasonable friends in my life. LOVE their characters so far.
i’m going to be honest i think y/n is being stupid here HOW COULD U SAY THAT. but there’s smth undeniably sexy ab this exchange i got GOOSEBUMPS!!!!! the tension is so palpable i can feel it oozing from my screen 😩
okay i just read y/n’s monologue and hmmm i’m sort of torn. while it’s true that both of them agreed upon the bet, it’s also true that they’re kinda being reckless. heeseung already has feelings for her and like miyeon said, y/n Might be playing w them ? that’s just one side of the coin tho and i’m curious to see what unfolds later. for now imo heeseung saying yes to the bet is further insight into his competitive behaviour but i have yet to read what happens next!
SHE PUT A FINGER ON HIS LIPS… SHE PUT A FINGER ON HIS LIPS 😲😦😲😧😲😧😲😦😲😧😲😲😦😳😧😧😲 AND THEN HE KISSED HER FINGER… WHAT THE FAWKKKK IM TOO WEAK FOR THIS STOP IT
“no kissing before we start dating” LMFAOOOO DOES SHE WANT TO LOSE ON PURPOSE NOW BC I DONT SEE ANY IFS 🚨🚨🚨🚨 I ONLY SEE WHENS HAHAHA
OH MY GOD….. DOES HANBIN HAVE FEELINGS FOR Y/N? 💀💀💀 FUCKFKC HES HOLDING HER HAND TOO WHAT IS GOING AWNNNN
THE KISS!!!! OMFG THE KISS HAD ME FLOORED U DONT GET IT AAAAAA i loved it so much i was literally holding my breath fuck u that was genuinely insane me WHEN.
WHAT THE HELLLL CAEL I LOVED THE END SO MUCH???? the start of the last chapter took me off guard bc of heeseung being an asshole (i was ab to throw hands LMAOAOAO) but i’m glad they cleared everything up <33 this was honestly such a good fic and i was able to relate to it too bc of how competitive + academically driven i am as well HAHAHA now all i need to become y/n is HEESEUNG one chance i beg 🤲🤲
thank u sooo much for writing this!!! it was a wonderful ride and i def will be re-reading this 🫂
FAIR AND SQUARE › lhs
SYNOPSIS › one thing about life— it's unpredictable. for example, you made a note to yourself about not associating too much with heeseung for your own peace of mind, letting him stay as the academic rival slash classmate that he is, instead of allowing him to be something more, except one thing leads to another and you find yourself face to face with the said man with your feelings all over the place. a lowkey confession leading to a mere competition, let the game begin.
WORD COUNT › 20.2k
GENRE › academic rivals / friends to lovers, mutual pinning because they're just competitive and oblivious ft in denial, fem reader, quite the 'he fell first but she fell harder' thing eye guess . . .
WARNINGS › mentions drinking, sheds light on family issues ( mostly on the reader's side ) bruise and injury, slightest of angst, arguments, suggestive ( fourth section, towards the end ) profanities, let me know if you spot more
PLAYLIST › tune in for a better experience
NOTE › i love this fic with all my heart and lungs, even more. anyway, i'm sorry to academic rivals fans, this doesn't have academic blood and gore, as quoted by my dear mai. SPEAKING OF MAI EVERYONE THANK @maiverie FOR BETAREADING THIS FIC!!!!!! im not lying when i say i wouldn't have finished writing this yesterday if it wasn't for her, like thank u for ur super helpful review that got my brain juices flowing :< luv u fr. ALSO both heeseung and reader are taking post grad course so of course, they're aged up ( no ages specified ) have fun reading.
I. BANE OF EXISTENCE
one thing about life— it’s unpredictable.
for example, you’re in the library writing and reading papers on the topic you love, the one that you’re supposed to enjoy and the one that will become the reason behind your earnings in the near future, but here you are, sitting with a headache and a cup of coffee on the side. who knew the subject you've liked since grade one will betray you and become the potential bane of your existence? not you, surely enough. wednesday noons are for basketball matches, which explains why the library and hallways are quieter and emptier than usual. even the teachers make time for the tournaments off their busy schedules, it’s understandable— your university is known for having one of the best sports teams in the league, and the basketball team being the defending champions does nothing but fuel the pride of students and staffs as if they’re the ones on the court, trying to get the ball in the basket.
you wouldn’t say you don’t like being a part of the crowd because you’ve been to the badminton tournaments and know that watching matches is as interesting as playing, if not more. you just don’t have the time to attend any. with assignments piling up and exams ‘round the corner, you’d rather spend your last two months of the semester studying instead of yelling at the bleachers. you can always get the recordings if you ever feel like watching one, as for the results, the word goes around faster in your department than anywhere else, all because of one of the students being on the team.
you try focusing, you really do, but your cup is just as empty as your brain and your phone is going up with notifications. you don’t see the point of miyeon spamming the gc with updates on the match when everyone in the group, except you, is with her, watching and cheering alongside. muting is a choice which you choose not to do, and the reason is between you and god, to be honest. long story short, it’s the lack of motivation clogging your thought process and the realisation that your friends are out there enjoying themselves unlike you is blocking any means of logical thinking. a day or two spent not studying wouldn’t make you fail the classes, and even if the guilt is pooling inside, you pack your stuff and walk out of the library, making your way to the indoor basketball court.
the screams grow louder as you approach, each step reminding you that you still can go back as you choose to ignore it. exams can wait, you tell yourself, a day to myself can’t. your mother would tell you to take breaks and go out instead of studying all day, but being on top is an addiction. it’s no good, you wish other students would believe you, it’s a struggle, on the top, at the bottom, everywhere. you expect to turn a few heads as soon as you walk inside, which doesn’t happen, but you expected it. you don’t watch matches, this could easily be your third or fourth one, and the first basketball match, to be more specific. once you realise that everyone is busy watching the plays instead of noticing who comes and goes from the court, you make your way up to the one friend you manage to spot amidst the crowd— sung hanbin. indoor bleachers feel more compact than the outdoor ones. you've been to the football match last semester, courtesy of miyeon, and everything being outdoors really helps with the crowd and noise.
“didn’t expect to see you here,” hanbin stands next to you, offering you a sip or two from his drink, which you politely refuse, eyes fixed on the court as if it was the home they’ve been searching for. “i thought you hate heeseung,” it isn’t until he takes his name that your gaze averts to heeseung. you don’t even know why hanbin would outright assume you’re here for heeseung. in fact, that man’s name didn’t even cross your mind until he was mentioned.
“hate is a big word, ‘bin,” your words are more of a whisper laced with hesitation, as if you aren’t sure of what you’re saying. hate, actually, is a very big and heavy word. despite its constant usage with your friends, you realise the weight it holds and the impact it has. hate and dislike— they’re different and yet similar enough to be used synonymously at times. not by you, of course, you have a clear distinction between the two, and as of now, you don’t know if what you feel for heeseung is a mere dislike or pure hatred. “i just don’t like him,”
when he successfully shoots a three-pointer, you come to the decision that you definitely don’t hate him. heeseung is, more or less, the typical all-rounder straight-A student, the jack of all trades and fortunately enough, the master of all as well. he's the student teachers use as an example, the son parents wish for, the boyfriend people wished they had. lee heeseung is many things, and one of those is being the reason why you have the second highest score in your department instead of the first position, unlike how it used to be two semesters ago.
heeseung transferred departments about thirty weeks ago, from chemistry to bioinformatics. it had been surprising on your side because not many opted for bioinformatics until they were certain of their goal. the course in itself is vast, like an ocean of several different fields and each and every one of them opens a door to a different outcome. bioinformatics isn’t something students picked overnight just because it had the vacancy and they didn’t like their initially chosen courses. as fun as the subject sounds, it demands consistency and time, something that heeseung lacks. you had seen him attend classes the first few weeks regularly, and then the ghost of him started sitting on the empty seat that belongs to him. skipping classes, arriving late, delayed submission of a couple of projects— you knew he wasn’t here to stay. it was to pass time, or whatever, you couldn’t care, didn’t care, not until he started acing the tests, practically dethroning you from your infamous ‘perfect all kill’ title that you had for getting nothing less than a perfect score, most of the time, give and take a few here and there.
you still get good scores, amazing even, full score in theory and the same in practicals. it’s going well in lab manuals and project works but heeseung seems to get a perfect score in those too, something you started missing ever since he came into the picture. perhaps, it was something in the way he phrased his essays— you hoped it was. rumour has it that heeseung used to be a literature student, which could explain his outstanding english skills and his eloquent way of speaking. you even looked up his debate videos on youtube only to find more evidence on how skilled he is in public speaking.
but above all, heeseung is, actually, just a really damn annoying student, quite literally the bane of your existence. he’s always set on stealing people’s spotlight during lessons, with you being the people, obviously, always answering questions with information that’s unrelated and probably even unnecessary. and for the shortest time, you even considered taking him off your ‘things i hate’ list because you were no different in highschool. when you’re the top student, it becomes a habit to talk about things as if you know them in your bones and impress teachers. hell, you even had rivals in highschool, although none of them got on your nerves the way heeseung does. basically, he has no reason to call you by weird names everytime you both pass each other in the hallways, or remind you that he’s the top student. ‘this is the vice-captain of the basketball team and the best student of the biotechnology department, lee heeseung, informing you on the up—’ seriously, no one wants to hear him introduce himself like that when you’re around. you’re pretty sure it’s engraved inside your brain with the amount of times he repeats it everyday. minjeong even says that heeseung is becoming more and more like sunghoon, and you would not know how or why because you didn’t attend highschool with sunghoon, unlike her.
the court flares up with cheers when heeseung goes for a dunk which ultimately leads to their team winning the match, and you reach the conclusion that maybe you don’t hate heeseung but actually want to bang his head against the walls. your eyes follow him around the court, analysing his conduct during the match, the way he communicates so effortlessly with teammates using hand signs or quick phrases, the way he holds the team together when the ball is with him, despite not being the captain. heeseung might be the most unbearable person you’ve met so far, he’s actually just fine when his target is not you. you’re sure any other player is doing just as good but nothing comes close to how you see heeseung. it’s different, the light he is in, it’s unique, incredible, and inexplicably addictive. heeseung juggles between classes and basketball, you remember sunghoon talking about his part-time job when you passed by their lockers the other day. he doesn’t have it easy, you don’t either, but you had those all perfect kills by spending hours in your study while heeseung does better than you while winning matches, making money.
it doesn’t take you long to realise that what you have for him could be dislike with a hint of jealousy, and you wonder if all the people would react the same way once they know who heeseung really is— a devil behind an angelic face, one who deliberately likes ruining things for you, as if his life depends on it. you still remember the day he personally texted you the wrong syllabus for a test, claiming that it had been updated and the professor had asked him to notify everyone. ‘and as you know, i have not been added in the group chat yet so i’m texting everyone personally,’ he had lied ever so smoothly as if his words consist of nothing but truth, as if lies are something he hasn’t even heard of. kudos to you for studying the original and correct syllabi beforehand, you still aced the test, if heeseung scoring the first rank is overlooked.
you’re dragged back from your thoughts to the reality when a boy bumps into you while hurrying down to the players, hoping to get noticed. half of the students act like the team is actually a boy-band, you can see them on the front page of every single edition of university magazine. usually, you prefer waiting for the crowd to disperse before taking your leave from wherever you are, but a sudden reminder about the tests over text from your professor gives you a reason to leave early, all to make sure you could catch up to heeseung. you rush your way out of the bleachers once the teams start leaving the court, eyes fixed on heeseung to take a note of the direction he leaves. hanbin gives you a confused look before the words find their way out of his mouth. “where are you going?”
“basketball shower room,” and your words could give him, and the other people who might’ve heard you, a wrong idea but you couldn’t care less. the goal was to see heeseung before he leaves the campus, which was highly likely because no one has it in them to attend four hours of classes after an exhausting match, not even heeseung, no matter how amazing he is.
you make your way through the ocean of people, bumping into a few in the process as you make your way to the club room. a silent profanity leaves your mouth once you realise that the club room entrance might be filled with fangirls and boys, left and right, and the thought of shuffling your way out of the crowd to meet heeseung makes you reconsider your actions. heeseung might be a star student but isn’t amazing enough for you to step out of your comfort zone and do things to see him.
“well, this is surprising,” your voice manages to turn his head towards the door. “thought you’d be busy with your fangirls, lee,” and it is surprising indeed because the hallways are unexpectedly empty with only a few people around. you would say they learnt to give the players their space after a game but that would be a lie considering the embarrassing history of students when it comes to people on the sports team.
“they’re probably busy with jake,” heeseung responds with a smile, and even though he turns to his locker just as quickly, you could see the smile dancing on the corner of his lips.
jake is rather a new player, a junior to be specific, and jay personally spent days waiting outside the physics department to get the guy on the basketball team. explains why he’s popular amidst students, he’s talented, good at studies— seriously, you wouldn’t understand how these people manage academics with sports. you couldn’t, and even if you managed to, you would end up passing out every few days. “does it suck to lose your fan-following to a newbie?”
“not really. i still have you here,” heeseung wouldn’t call it ‘losing’ his fan-following because he’s using jake as bait to escape the crowd of students as quickly as possible. a junior has to make sacrifices, in this case it’s to save heeseung by sacrificing himself to the public. although, saying that he still has you looking for him even though a hundred others aren’t makes him feel better about himself. “no but seriously, what did you come here for?”
“oh, it’s for the test on friday,” you pull out your phone, opening the group chat with the professor and the students who took the same course. it’s laughable how the universe put you in the exact same situation twice, although with the tables turned this time, and it takes everything in you to not tell him a made-up, wrong syllabi, and do what is rational. “the syllabi was extended up to chapter fourteen, till page three-ninety-seven. they sent it in the group chat this morning but i’m sure you hardly have time even to think about something else except basketball,”
you’ve known heeseung for two semesters but that’s for the people to say. the truth is, you don’t know him outside what he shows to everyone else. you see him come and go, spot him around the bar with his friends on weekends you pass by it. you know he skips classes and asks students for notes. it’s not necessarily from you, though you’d prefer if he would ask you since you’re the best student in the whole department, after him, as much as you hate to admit it. on some days, you see him in the library, earphones plugged in. if you manage to sneak a glance or two, you’d catch him watching the match recordings and taking notes, you wouldn’t know what notes someone could take from matches. in short, you don’t know heeseung more than how everyone knows him. coming to the shower rooms and notifying him about the test might just be a discreet attempt at striking up more conversations with him, but also, you’re just fine with him being the academic rival slash classmate that he is.
“yeah, semi-finals,” heeseung shuts his locker close, a sigh falling off his lips just like the water drops falling on his shoulder from the tips of his hair, after a shower. “doesn’t help that they’re at the same time as the quarterly assessments. thank you for telling me even though it means you’ll end up losing the first position to me once again,” and of course, the heeseung you know wouldn’t waste an opportunity to strike up a competition. it would be a lie if you claim to hate it because despite the sour look on your face, a part of you loves these little academic races with him. heeseung makes you strive to do better, he’s like the driving force you lacked which made college a whole lot better. after all, where’s the fun in getting a perfect score with the bare minimum effort, without some challenges knocking at your door?
“what can i do, i’m all about fair play,” there’s a subtle shade behind your words, reckoning to the multiple incidents of him ruining things for you. this could take a really nasty turn if you were to resort to his ways, except you won’t because you’re better than him. “good luck, and we’ll see who loses the first position to whom,”
heeseung wipes his hair before switching to texting on his phone, the smile still adorning his face like a jewel. you assume it’s the delight from winning a match, it’s obvious. his eyes couldn’t help but sparkle at every little achievement, always looking forward to something more, something challenging, that’s lee heeseung for you— someone who knows he has an easier way around things but would deliberately walk down another path and test his limits. shocking how it took you one basketball match to see the passion he has for things he’s interested in, that he’s more than a sport jock or a straight nerd, he’s more than someone who takes courses to pass time, more than someone who is just a show-off.
“heeseung,” the dislike, the hatred, the envy, it might all be a lie. “well played today,” because in the end, there’s a minimal possibility that you’re leaving the room with nothing but the slightest of admiration for the guy who is nothing but an obstacle between you and that first position in upcoming finals in two months.
and it would be a lie too to claim that your words didn’t catch heeseung by surprise.
II. RIVALRY, FEELINGS, ETCETERA.
it has been a little over one day since heeseung’s conversation with you outside the shower rooms, twenty-seven hours to be exact. twenty-seven hours of him hearing the same last words over and over again, twenty-seven hours of him failing all and any attempts at straight thinking and twenty-seven hours of him not thinking about anything except you. all of it ends up in three hours of practice and not one good shot from heeseung. the sighs and snickers from teammates fill the court every few seconds— truthfully, they never leave. heeseung is simply too lost to pay attention to them.
“heeseung, you good?” a pat on shoulder from jake and the words following soon after manage to pull him out of his spiral of thought, even if it’s for a brief second.
“he’s not, won’t be anytime soon,” sunghoon replies as if the answer was on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be revealed. “yn came to watch the last match, after all,” there’s a smirk on sunghoon’s face, heeseung can tell it in the intonation of his words.
jay pauses just seconds before going for a layup, joining the conversation. “wait, she did?”
“yep, saw her standing next to that hanbin guy or something,”
“mate, you cannot be acting like this over a girl and that too, four days before finals,” this conversation, as a whole, is beyond jake’s comprehension. a part of the reason could be because he joined the team late, thus missing out on a huge chunk of internal jokes and gossip and goes amidst the players. and no amount of reasons can convince him into thinking that it’s fine to act out-of-character before important matches just because your crush showed up at one of your matches.
“she’s not just some random girl. she never attends matches, but she came to watch my match,” heeseung clarifies as if the reasons behind his antics are valid and acceptable. “you wouldn’t know how i feel right now,”
“you’re on cloud nine, we know, your crush gave you the attention you’ve been lacking but trust me, she would ignore you just as efficiently if she sees you perform like this,”
“she’s not a crush,” and despite it being a well known fact amongst the basketball team that heeseung has a thing or two for you, he always refuses to accept it. one can say it’s the pride thing. you barely even talk to him unless it’s about studies, and your conversations are mostly along the lines of who outdoes whom in tests and assessments. moreover, everyone knows heeseung is the reason why you’re the second best student in the department— as much as you hate to admit it, again— because he transferred and flipped your world, probably even dribbled around with it like a basketball. a word goes around every few days about you glaring at him in class, which is not true, you’re instead focusing your eyes on something in an attempt to think. he just happens to sit right in front of you and be the object of focus. heeseung might as well believe that you hate him, even though yesterday’s conversation was far from how people talk when they hate each other, and his assumptions could account for the constant words of denial that fall off his lips.
jay snickers before landing a hook successfully. “yeah, and i’m a pigeon,”
“oh, shut it, jay,” heeseung turns to look at the other boy. “she’s just someone i admire. have you read her essays? her papers? god, we’re a year away from graduation but she’s already writing mind-blowing papers, one of them was even published in the monthly issue of some magazine. she’s already on her best performance and still tries to do better, always down to guide juniors with lab work and also is on the research team for the paediatrics department at asan medical centre. all this, and she studies all day. if i were her, i’d pass out. i can’t go a day without entering the court,”
“and he says he doesn’t have a crush oh her,” sunghoon rolls his eyes, it’s like if he heard another line of excuses from heeseung, he could see the back of his skull and have a look at hs big, fat brain.
“because i don’t? you guys never had someone you admired so much that they practically became your role model despite being in the same year?” unlike other things that heeseung does, calling you his role model has a reason. first, it can give him a reason to talk to you. heeseung is almost convinced that you hate him, and if this persists, it would get harder and harder for him to approach you, but with the lie— half lie— of you being his role model and so wonderful that he couldn’t help but admire you from afar while trying to overcome his social anxiety gives him a reason to talk to you. plus, it sounds plausible, he doesn’t understand why his brother says it’s bound to fail.
the second reason and more to do with his friend group. no one in his friend circle is capable of keeping a secret— jay ends up spilling tea unconsciously, jake tells one person who he trust and that person turns out to be the most untrustworthy person ever, beomgyu, well he’s on the team but telling him would be like standing on a stage and announcing to the whole campus, and sunghoon, he’s the mother, he cannot digest food without disclosing secrets. even if it’s common knowledge that heeseung has a tiny crush on you, denying it in front of the whole campus everytime one of them brings it up helps him with his reputation and fortunately, ends up keeping it a secret. besides, he’d rather have people tease him for calling you his role model than having a crush on you.
“i surely don’t have someone i admire to the point i read all their papers and know each and everything they’ve volunteered for,” jay argues back, set on proving his point. “tell me what am i gonna do knowing that she’s on the paediatrics research team?”
“i think this is the most i’ve known about yn ever since classes started and that too, because of heeseung,” beomgyu chuckles, earning a side eye from heeseung in the process.
“enough, let’s get back to practice,” heeseung intervenes in an attempt to change the topic. he does not want his closest friends making fun of him for liking someone— it’s supposed to be human nature to have a crush.
“you get back to practice because you’re the only one fucking up because of your silly little crush. i’m done, jay, call me when we’re having a practice match because i need to attend theology or my professor would write me up,” taehyun passes the ball to sunghoon, the latter yelping in surprise at the sudden yet successful catch.
“i don’t have a crush—”
“of course, let’s get you back to practice,” jake cuts heeseung off mid sentence, moving back to take his position as sunghoon passes the ball to heeseung, who, as expected, misses the catch due to lack of concentration.
it’s going to be a long day for the team.
.
.
.
“a little birdie told me you went to see heeseung in the shower rooms?” are the words you hear as soon as your classes are dismissed, miyeon walking up to you and hanbin discussing the set of questions your professor distributed just a few minutes ago.
“i didn’t go into the shower rooms, i was outside, near the lockers,” and there’s a difference. to be in the shower room implies you were there in the shower, which definitely gives rise to several wrong ideas of different levels. specifically, you didn’t even enter the locker room. you were outside, leaning against the door, watching heeseung as he walked freshly out of the shower, a towel around his neck, you both strike up a small talk. yeah, that was the scene, not with you in the shower and whatever miyeon’s imagination leads to after that.
“so you did go!” she claps her hands together as if it’s a celebratory occasion, turning her head to look at the boy next to you. “what were you saying about yn not having a crush, habin?”
“it’s not a crush, miyeon,” and it’s true— heeseung is not a crush. he’s a classmate, a rival, an over-qualified and impossibly competitive student, someone you would want to take your time to study. “what, i can’t even go to tell a classmate about the updated syllabus for a test now? i would’ve done that for anyone, not just heeseung,”
hanbin sighs, packing his bag. “sure, but he’s in the groupchat. he could’ve checked it himself,”
“um, i doubt that,” you’re preparing a powerpoint in your head, multiple slides on why you needed to do what you did. “he’s busy with basketball and i know how he gets when the matches are around the corner. don’t you remember how he skipped two weeks of classes straight because of matches last semester? and it’s the finals this time, i don’t think he even opens texts about anything that’s not basketball. i mean, he responded to my messages six days later because he was busy with practice,”
you say it like you’ve known heeseung for a decade and have been through the ups and downs with him. you wouldn’t care about who does what in the classes, if it’s a paper plane flying right over you, landing just second to the first row of seats or if it’s someone being brave enough and playing music during lectures. biology, in your opinion, is a subject for those who are serious about doing something unique while staying in the academic field. you don’t encounter troublemakers often, once a blue moon if the heavens make a mistake. on other days, it’s quieter than a library, emptier than cemeteries at night.
to think your life as a biotechnology major got interesting after heeseung switched majors is astonishing and equally debatable.
“i don’t see why i should remember all that about ‘just a classmate’ but thanks for telling,” and before you know it, hanbin and miyeon are out of the class, on their way to wherever their next stop is. seriously, they’re having it easier than you. they go to games, movies, drink on weekends— something you haven’t had a taste on ever since the year started. somewhere, you could be blamed for your hectic schedules. studies, lab work, and thesis, they suffice for all the stress a student in post graduation studies can handle. volunteering and writing papers is on you, things wouldn’t have been arduous if you had decided to move slowly, one step at a time. sometimes, the hunger for more leaves you starving— quite literally.
you spend an hour or so in the classroom along with a few other students, going through the same old routine of yours— watch videos, take notes, transfer them to your document in your own words and make it sound as innovative and convincing as possible. heeseung would be better at this than you. you’re exhausted to the point that accepting your defeat to him doesn’t even faze you anymore. he used to be a literature student, had english as a side course as an undergrad, he’s bound to be better than making essays sound they came right out of shakespeare's drafts, phrases and metaphors that would put fitzgerald to shame.
you didn’t care about what went down in your classes until heeseung came along. call it craziness or the weird impression you have of students in your field, heeseung is far from the typical biotechnology student aiming for a postgraduate degree. he skips classes, plays basketball as if studies are a side business, and yet still manages to ace every test like an all-rounder. he shouldn’t even be in classroom, he should be in the labs, being the most important subject of studies. there are days you think of him as a social experiment— how quickly can a robot piss off a straight-A student with its impeccable skills— of course, the subjects wouldn’t know it’s a robot but you do, you’re almost convinced he is one. there’s no way he’s the top student with the amount of effort he puts in. one would claim that he studies after classes, at home slash dorms, but you can bet your life he doesn’t. there have been numerous instances when you’ve spotted him in the background of someone’s picture at a bar. he’s always with people, he has a humongous friend group, god knows how someone can live like that. at first, you were convinced he isn’t real, as worrisome as it sounds, and if he is real then he needs to be studied.
which leads to what you’re doing right now— making your way to the basketball court. you don’t know how or why you’re doing it. you started with your studies, ended up thinking about heeseung, and now you’re on your way to the basketball court. although, it’s not half a bad idea, now that you think about it once again.
your mind goes all the way back to when you watched him play for the first time, which was just a day ago actually. you don’t know anything about basketball, you don’t know much about heeseung either, but there’s one thing you’re sure of— heeseung is class and heeseung on the court, they’re different. you’ve noticed the way he clicks his pen relentlessly out of nervousness when he can’t solve a question, the way his back tenses up for a fraction of a second as soon as he’s asked to explain something. you’ve seen the hints of fear in his eyes when he asked you for notes last semester just three days before exams, scared that he would fail. heeseung isn’t sure of a lot of things and basketball isn’t one of those.
“you’re not practising?” you ask him when you swim out of your thoughts, watching him climb up the bleachers and sit next to you. the court seems much better when it’s empty, free from the loud cheers of spectators, but that could be just you.
“i was, as you see, but i saw you up here and thought it was time for a break,” you could see his teammates shake heads at him in disappointment, proceeding to continue with their practice. “what’s up?”
you don’t respond to him and instead, take your time watching the others practise their shots. you watch the way one of them, who you think is taehyun, goes for a dunk, credits to hanbin for telling you names for a few shots. next to you, heeseung shouts out a tip or two for the boy for him to have an easier and effective approach at the said move. heeseung is good at dunks, you’ve heard it from students, you’ve seen it in the last match as well. just one shot was enough to tell you how good he is at it, it’s like basketball flows in his veins, like he can close his eyes and still manage to get a basket.
your eyes ghost up the court and shift to him— there’s a content smile on his face, a relaxed posture as if there’s nothing for him to worry about. he takes a sip from his energy drink, you wonder if he, or anyone from the team, even gets time to have their meals. the expression on his face, it’s something you’ve never seen on him during lessons. it takes you back to the match, how he looked on court a day before, certain of every move he made, every step, every breath, without doubts, no second thoughts. you’ve done enough lab projects with heeseung to know how his hands shake when he’s preparing a slide or extracting a sample from a centrifuge, afraid that one wrong move and he would mess up the efforts of everyone in the group. that hesitation is nowhere to be seen on the court, gone like it has never existed. as if lee heeseung, the star student and player, has never had an encounter with nervousness and hesitation in his life. there’s a thin line between studies and sport for him, you finally realise it after much consideration. maybe, you’re going beyond your boundaries and making assumptions about a guy you barely know, even if you would never voice all these thoughts to him, you think you know the reason why there’s a different him on the stage when the ball is in hands.
“how did you realise that you like basketball? you know, like it enough to devote so much of your time and have it alongside studies?” because even if biotech is something he’s studying and wants to make a career in, you guess that it’s just a source of satisfaction. in your eyes, through your perception, basketball is what makes him truly happy.
you don’t know why someone wouldn’t pick satisfaction over happiness, especially when it’s coming with its hands full of opportunities to grab that bag.
“eh, i don’t have a sob story about it, if that is what you’re hoping for,” he chugs down the contents of the can before crushing it to the slightest, eyes squinting at the opposite wall before they move back to meet yours. “i never had to sit and think about basketball and studies, you know, as in how am i going to manage both of them. it just happened. i started playing basketball in middle school and it has been with me ever since,”
heeseung’s side of the story is simple— a mediocre guy who was introduced to sports by his older brother and now, it’s one of the most important things in his life. middle school heeseung preferred staying in and playing video games instead of going out. in fact, middle school heeseung resembles you in all the ways that make him different from you right now. he has been good at learning and remembering things, he takes liking to things quicker than others do. basketball was like for him— easy, quick, fun, like a way to release all the stress after a long day at school. in heeseung’s story, there isn’t a main character who helped him choose the path he’s walking right now. instead, all he had was his family who introduced him to the various aspects and opportunities, and he simply ended up joining hands with the ones he liked, deciding to not let it go before the dead end.
“i want to have that passion for things,” a soft laughter falls off your lips, it’s an attempt to make your sob story look less pitiful. “i used to paint and play piano— but painting, mostly, was really good at it. i learnt how to draw before i learnt how to tie my shoelaces. i couldn’t go a day without painting, but then highschool happened, i had pressure to do well, expectations from friends and family, had a dream outside painting, and now, i haven’t painted in years,”
unlike heeseung, art started as more than just a side business to you. it’s not something you were introduced to in the middle of your life but rather is something you grew up with. you can blame or credit your mother for making paintings and having them in almost every corner of your house. it’s one of the reasons why at five years old you were beyond fascinated at all the patterns and colours. no one would’ve guessed that science would manage to sweep you off your feet right from the first grade, given the way your hands danced a duet to their own melody along with a paintbrush, as if each stroke has a conscious life of its own. no one would’ve guessed that your mother would tell you to stop painting and focus on studies, neither would they have known that she would become the reason why you no longer feel the same way about art. as stated before, life is unpredictable— because no one would’ve guessed that sitting here on the bleachers with heeseung and sharing a piece of your life would water the seeds of doubts in your heart, the ones that bloom at the sight of him.
he thinks your story is sad— with all due respect, without sarcasm, of course. it’s the best he can say. “i think it’s more of a ‘connection’ thing. you think you’ve lost the connection but you simply need to pickup a canvas and some colours to relink, if you get me,” because heeseung has had somewhat of a same experience, with music, and sitting front of a piano to play one of sibelius’ symphonies after senior year highschool finals was all it took him to find his lost interest in music. even though it’s nothing more than just a hobby, even if it's just something he considers as a way to pass time, heeseung knows how it feels to let go of something that is an integral part of one’s life.
“it has always been about timing, heeseung,” you shake your head, trying to prove him wrong using your own arguments. “you think i haven’t tried painting again? i still have art supplies stacked up in my cupboard. it’s all about timing. when you like something, you only get a few chances to make sure it stays with you for a lifetime. how many people do you know who have given up on their hobbies because they claim to have lost interest? the thing is, the interest is still there, it’s the inability and fear of not being able to do it again. if you timing is off, no matter how much you try, things won’t work, and what you love will end up becoming a closed chapter of your life,”
a pause. he sits still, eyes admiring your face while his mind is busy replaying your words in the back of his head. heeseung wonders how valid they are when it comes to people. he likes you, despite the constant denial which is only for show, by the way. it doesn’t take a scientist to read him. reading him isn’t even close to rocket science, he doesn’t understand how you haven’t caught up even after being incredibly smart. he has seen you hang out with hanbin— heeseung hates that guy, by the way. there’s no solid logic, it’s just that hanbin seems to be around you all the time and heeseung thinks of him as a leech sucking blood off its host. heeseung would never admit but it’s just his jealousy playing tricks on him, and even though it doesn’t look like you have any romantic feelings towards that guy, it would be fucking embarrassing for heeseung lose you to a guy who isn’t even half as qualified as him. ( yes, he is judging characters based on academic qualifications, no heeseung wouldn’t explain why )
“i like you,” and so, he lets his feelings win for once, deciding to let his heart take control instead, closing doors to any room for rational thinking like it never existed. “you said it was about timing, about trying hard enough and having only a few chances, perhaps, just one bullet, and i’m shooting my shot right now. i don’t want to remember you as a closed chapter of my life,”
it would be such a waste of chemistry if you end up becoming just a closed chapter of his life. heeseung has done his research, more like reading tons of books and watching hundreds of movies to understand the potential that two academic rivals have. no one knows this, not even his closest friends, but heeseung’s favourite genre might simply be enemies to lovers and living that trope doesn’t sound as bad when it’s with you. he has spent hours thinking about the number of productive library dates you could have, working on projects together and brainstorming about the next biggest revolution in the RDT world, changing the public’s outlook at genetics forever. it sounds stupid and makes him sound even stupider, even as a lost cause, but heeseung doesn’t care. in his mind, it’s the best date someone could have. to live and become successful together, it sounds like a perfect plan to him.
truthfully, you have always been a part of heeseung’s future, near or distant. he always always pictures you in his life, standing next to him during graduation, bidding goodbyes at farewell, exchanging shy greetings at reunions ten years later while reminiscing about everything he did to irritate you, that would sound embarrassing a decade later. your presence will always be significant to him, he just hopes to remember you as something more than just a rival, just a classmate he never really got to know, just a person he spent his two years hating upon, just a crush he didn’t get to confess to.
the catch— heeseung has already started picturing his future and you are not even sure of your present— and while he is looking at you for an answer, you’re lost inside your head, looking for words to articulate.
heeseung is someone you planned to stay away from for the rest of your university life. him stepping into your life already costs you a lot, namely: dropping in ranks and losing your infamous title. his actions cost you the time you could use to study, which is actually upon you because you can simply ignore him instead of spending hours on thinking about his hows, whens and whats. heeseung was supposed to be the academic rival slash classmate that he is, instead of allowing him to be something more, but beyond rivalry, feelings, etcetera. you knew the way you felt about him, even though you couldn’t be as certain as him, or even to claim you see him the same way he feels about you.
turns out, heeseung has always been sure of certain things in his life.
“heeseung, i’m—”
“not sure? busy? stressed? i know you have a lot of things going on right now. take your time, study for the finals, finish your papers, sort out your own issues and then come back to me. i’ll be waiting,” it’s like he’s not only good at studying but also at reading minds, because heeseung seems to have guessed a part of exactly what you’ve been thinking. call it timing, jay calls him to get back to practice just a few seconds later— a perfect excuse to leave. “looks like my break is over,”
you sit speechless, watching him walk away like an opportunity that just walked out of your hand. it feels like a slight defeat, like a test you failed when you could've scored better, if not a full score. it's funny because this wasn't a competition, you weren't rejected, more like you rejected him, but it still feels like he has the upper hand. it's funny and equally annoying because heeseung is supposed to be nothing more than just a nobody, somebody you aren't even supposed to spare two thoughts on, but here you are sitting with the guy with your feelings all over the place.
“heeseung,” you stand up, your voice making him turn to look at you, both of you ignoring the sight of his teammates standing motionless in their positions, too stunned at your voice reverberating in the almost empty court. “let’s do this: if you manage to stand first in the finals, i’ll date you,”
a lowkey confession leading to a mere competition. his lips morph into a smirk, the ones he'd pass you before tests, an open challenge offered directly to you. “and if i don’t?”
and you mirror the same smirk back at him, you weren't going to back off simply because it's about the person you possibly have a crush on. “i become just a closed chapter of your life,”
let the game begin.
III. LIAR AND THE LOVER
despite heeseung’s sudden confession, you’re doing quite well, taking it better than expected. you had your moment of confusion back when the words of proposal fell off his lips— anyone would. after all, it’s lee heeseung we’re talking about. you can only imagine the saddened faces of his fangirls once they hear about him confessing to you.
“jay told me you made a bet with heeseung?” hanbin’s question catches your attention as soon as he steps into the cafe, managing to turn a few heads towards you in the process.
“you know jay?”
he sits next to you, pulling out his laptop in a hurry. you can guess it’s because of his essay that’s due before six in the evening, one he could��ve written last night instead of getting wasted at his friend’s birthday gathering. “we share history, also, that’s not the answer to my question,”
“it’s not a bet, ‘bin,” your words aren’t half wrong. “just a silly game, y’know? i didn’t even expect him to agree,” frankly, even you don’t know why or how you came up with such a bizarre idea in broad daylight. usually, people get bouts of excitement or embarrassment while confessing or being confessed to, but in your case, you jumped over the fence and made a proposal that you have only seen in fiction.
“nah, no way you’re setting up your whole love life for failure and calling it a silly game,” the disappointment is evident in hanbin’s voice as his fingers danced over his keyboard, typing with a speed that could leave the trains behind. well, people tend to get like that when you have an assignment due and the deadline is just a few hours to go. you guess that he’s too busy to even listen to your reasoning, which is appreciated considering you have no reasoning as for why you did what you did.
“you made a bet with heeseung,” you turn your head around, making the boy next to you do the same in the process. it’s miyeon— you should’ve seen it coming, honestly. your actions have consequences, as always, and one of them is dealing with her non-stop interrogation as if you’re the prime suspect for some gruesome crime and every question answered wrong opens gates to capital punishment. sometimes, you wonder why she didn’t go with studying law instead.
“how do you know?”
“everyone knows, yn. it’s all they’ve been talking about,” she sighs, sitting opposite to you while taking a look at hanbin’s laptop. “even the football fanatics are talking about attending the game, god, hanbin we better hurry that day or we’re not getting a seat,” you should’ve seen it coming, honestly. miyeon might not be the most social person, but she definitely is the most updated. nothing escapes her, every tiny incident reaches her ears one way or another, and if not, then she just finds out about it using her sources, given you don’t know about her sources. it’s one of the reasons why you’re almost convinced that she runs a shady side business alongside her career in bioengineering.
you take a sharp breath, going through the bunch of papers arranged in your file. “it’s not that serious. he confessed to me and i said i’d date him if he manages to secure the first position in the finals as well,”
“you did that knowing he hasn’t been studying because of games while you’re studying like your life depends on it? there’s no way he’s going to be first, and everything aside, it was a wrong fucking move to play with his feelings,” play with his feelings— a pause, you don’t like how it sounds. you’re not playing with his feelings, that’s far from what you’re doing. it’s a game, a competition, new to your friends but you and heeseung have always been familiar with it. there’s an unspoken rule to test each other’s limits. the last time you and heeseung did something like this, it resulted with you writing ‘lee heeseung is smarter than ln yn,’ in bold on a sheet of paper and putting it on the notice board for the whole campus to see. in your eyes, it's history repeating itself yet again. sure, there is something else at stake, but the rules are the same, and you don’t know why your friends are acting like you’ve done something terribly unethical.
“no one’s playing with his feelings, miyeon, and i know for a fact he’s making time to study for finals,” you clarify your side, slight annoyance evident in your voice. “besides, it doesn’t matter. it’s not like this is serious, i only did this to buy time to figure out my feelings while the game gives me a reason to study and not get distracted. you know how i get when i lose focus,”
that could be the reasoning behind your actions, of course. even while sitting in a cafe with your friends and having a conversation that is about to make your blood boil, you’re thinking of heeseung in the back of your head. his words play over and over again like a broken record player, the image of him on court or studying pops up in your mind every now and then. obsession is a disease and you have it bad. it’s crazy to be thinking about someone so much without being absolutely floored for them.
“so you’ll date him despite the outcome?” hanbin drags you out of the well of your thoughts, a question that leaves miyeon flabbergasted.
“if i manage to figure out my feelings then of course,” a chuckle falls off your lips. “i’m telling you guys, it’s not that serious. i’m sure he knows it too,” and you’re really confident about this— it usually never ends on a good note.
“and if he doesn’t? what if it’s serious for him? yn, you never know how one thing might affect someone, and feelings are not something to gamble on. you should’ve told him you need some time to think instead of giving him a false hope or whatsoever,” it’s now that you start having second thoughts. the next two hours go by amidst silence, a few small talks blooming here and there, but dissolving just as quickly within the ticking clock of deadlines for assignments and exams.
it doesn’t take a scientist to know when miyeon is upset, for she isn’t the best at masking her emotions. through the sneaky glances at her that you’ve stolen over time, you can tell she’d rather spend the evening in silence than talk to you, which is a challenge with herself because she’s really talkative. it takes two to sing a duet, two to play and game, two people to make a relationship work. heeseung and you— the two of you are enough to make decisions for yourselves, decide what’s right and wrong and, something about miyeon questioning your choices doesn’t sit right with you.
too many cooks spoil the broth, it’s the principle of your life, the words you’ve been following to this date. it was your decision to have a few friends instead of a fifty— quality over quantity, as one might call it— and there has never been a moment when you regretted having a handful of people to call friends. instead of consulting too many people about your major in university, you simply went with what your parents and homeroom teacher suggested. life has been good so far. the more the better is something that isn’t applicable in your case. instead of telling everyone about your dilemma regarding heeseung, you decided to keep it to yourself, eventually opening up to heeseung when the time comes. you’re doing just fine on your own, it doesn’t make sense to you why a third person’s opinion is making you doubt your decision making abilities that you’ve been so proud of.
this is not a gamble, you tell yourself, it’s a fair play. you gave him options, he made the choice, it’s consensual. you didn’t force him into this game, he didn’t pressure you to respond, it’s a harmless competition that’s bound to have a positive outcome. you even spend a good fifteen minutes wondering if you should go back to heeseung and take it all back in case he finds it insensitive to put his feelings on the line. doing it in person seemed impossible so you resorted to texts, typing and deleting your message before giving up altogether. in your head, this was an okay decision. a sweet confession, a person with unsure feelings, a harmless competition.
you hope it doesn’t backfire ten times worse.
.
.
.
three days later, you find yourself on the way to basketball club rooms once again. you checked the court, it was empty, and your only option was to check the club slash locker rooms if you wanted to see heeseung. okay, first things first, you don’t miss him— maybe a little, but it’s because you miss hearing his weird ass answers in class even though they’re right. heeseung just has an unique approach to things, in other words he simply knows how to buy time and go in detail about things he’s an expert at to impress the professors. however, that doesn’t seem to be the case for him because he has approached you six times in the past three days, asking if you’re free to hangout.
you like to think he misses you or that his requests were because he wanted to make sure you don’t study and lose to him, either could be true. knowing heeseung, he’s capable of going both ways. whatever may be the reason, you turned him down all six times, and it’s not because you have something against him— of course, you don’t. that’s common knowledge by now— your reason for not hanging out with him is studies, as expected of you honestly. the bet aside, you had way too many chapters to learn before exams and all heeseung ever does is take up your headspace everytime you sit down with your books spread open. avoiding him in thoughts wasn’t possible so avoiding him in person was your last straw.
which leads to the present : you rushing to heeseung, again, not because you miss him but because you need his help, though one of the reasons could be that you feel bad for turning him down six times. you can hear muffled laughter from a distance as you approach the club rooms, a bang against one of the lockers, a loud profanity that follows afterwards. their humour is beyond your level of understanding.
“heese— oh, um—” you greet and turn away just as quickly when you realise that one of them is shirtless. it’s obviously heeseung, you can’t mistake his face for someone else. and you’re guessing he’s the last one to come out of shower because everyone else is dressed, maybe he’s someone who likes to take his time showering— you seriously need to stop thinking before your imagination goes bonkers. “sorry, can you come outside for a second when you’re ready?”
another round of laughter follows, more like teasing remarks because you can swear you heard a few of them refer to you as his girlfriend, and it gets you a little flustered, you won’t lie. you even hear one of them yell ‘ooh, get it, heeseung,’ as heeseung walks out, fixing his t-shirt, responding back with his middle finger up at whoever made the comment.
“hi,” his voice isn’t much louder than a whisper, eyes fluttering between you, the floor, and his teammates who pretend to not look when you peek inside. there’s a soft smile on his face— it’s cute, you think, and then rethink what you just thought. heeseung is, well, not cute— usually. he’s good-looking, handsome, hot, sexy, even, since you’re on the topic of finding adverbs that suit heeseung. cute is rarely one of them, you don’t think you’ve seen him as flustered as he is right now— rubbing his nape, a tint of pink on his cheeks, avoiding eye-contact— that’s far from the heeseung you’ve been seeing for past two semesters.
“hi, can you send me the pdf of the extra set of questions that prof sent last week? i think i accidentally deleted it while clearing up my storage,” you get straight to the point, trying not to waste much of your precious time. “i could’ve texted you but figured you’d be too busy with practice to check messages,” you remember what happened last time; he took six days to reply to your texts. you’re quite a patient person otherwise but in this case, you’re in dire need of questions to practise for tomorrow’s mock.
“ah, sure, give me a minute,” and he pulls out his phone, scrolling through an ocean of files and documents to look for the one you need. you do think he’s gorgeous though, it’s a well known fact that he’s stunning, but you think this look of heeseung surpasses the other ones quite easily— hairs wet after shower, partially covering his forehead, a white t-shirt that’s slightly wet near the shoulders because of the water dripping down— you wish he’d at least dry his hair before catching a cold. “actually, i would have replied to your texts if you had— oh, yes, there you go. do you want me to email it to you or…?”
“oh, just texts would be fine, thank you,”
“done,” a pause, you feel his eyes on you as you go through the pdf to take a brief look at the contents. “do you want to go for a walk? or are you getting back to studies?” at this point, you’re sure that question is a way to tease you about your obsession with studies. heeseung may think you’re overdoing it because you want to win, but it’s no more than the normal amount of hours you spend studying. he never paid you any attention to care about that.
“no, i’m done for today, actually,” and that’s a big fat lie considering you were planning to solve some questions and revise two chapters before leaving the campus, but it’s fine. you feel bad for rejecting him six times either way.
never in your life did you imagine that you’d be going on a walk with heeseung. it’s nothing serious, you just didn’t think there would be a day where you two would have normal people conversation while doing normal people activities instead of trying to disparage each other based on grades and academic performances. to think about it now, heeseung isn’t half bad, it was all in your head. it’s not like you had vile assumptions about him, you did find him annoying and way too prideful— anyone like him would be, actually, and heeseung is still quite humble about his achievements because if it was someone else, they sure would have made it everyone’s problem.
actually, heeseung is insufferable as well. you remember your first encounter with him, first and so far, the worst— in the laboratory. you and heeseung sat next to each other and when the professor asked him to briefly explain his experiment, you realised it’s oddly similar to yours. you had accused him of cheating, like any sane person would, which led to him getting two scores less than a perfect. he only lost one score because of you, actually, and that too because you were professor’s favourite and heeseung was new to the department. the other score, you don’t know where he missed, but that incident led to heeseung deleting your powerpoint thirty minutes before your presentation, which led you stealing his notes and selling it some junior through an undercover twitter account, which led to the professor asking you to help him with notes before exams, and everything ultimately led to the realisation that heeseung is actually quite decent if you behave with decency as well. the give and take is serious for him, because he gave you notes and so, you had to take his offer of going on a walk. even though it seemed like you had a choice, a part of you knew it was a mirage. you would’ve ended up on a walk with heeseung one way or another.
“i come here whenever i’m tired or just not feeling well,” he says and you wake up from your daydream of memories you shared with heeseung. the way he phrases his words makes it sound like he has brought you to one of his most secret locations, one that no one knows except taehyun, probably, considering they’re close friends, but in reality, it’s the playground you pass by every single day on your way from your apartment to university.
“oh, are you okay? are you nervous for tomorrow’s match?” you continue, deciding you shouldn’t ruin his favourite place for him. honestly, no one would’ve guessed that lee heeseung would come to a children’s park on bad days.
“actually, this walk was for you, you looked like you’d pass out if you spent another hour in front of books,” and you’re done, standing speechless with your eyes wide open at his words that he says with a victorious smile on his face. “you should start taking breaks, yn. it’s not a bad thing to go home earlier when you’re tired,”
he’s right, oh, you know he’s absolutely right about everything he just said, from passing out to going home. a part of him probably even feels glad to have you out on his little walk with him, you’re getting your well deserved rest, thanks to him. heeseung might even ask if he can walk you home considering you’re ‘done for today,’ which is very thoughtful of him— but what does this make you? a liar? miyeon was right, you’re gambling, even though it’s not that serious. so far, you’ve lied about being done with your studies and the bet you made with heeseung because at this point, it’s more like a prank, except it’s not funny and that it might end up with him getting upset with you because tomorrow is basketball tournament’s finals and you’re here wasting his time, all because you lied.
a liar and a lover, on a date at children’s park— match made in theatre club, you’d say.
“are you sure this is not your way to manipulate into not studying and losing to you, just so you can date me?” you try to play it cool, knowing very well that it can be one of his tricks or whatsoever. after all, it’s the same heeseung who made you trip in front of your class just three days after being transferred.
“i was being genuine but it doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” of course, it doesn’t. he gets to win, after all. “can i walk you home?” just as you had guessed.
“i would love to go home but my bag is still in the library,” you had considered taking it with you, actually, but dismissed the thought once you realised you had to come back to the library and continue with your studies. albeit, you’re not studying, that’s on you for lying into oblivion and giving into his requests.
once again, you two are back to walking, this time back to the university campus. it’s nice, having a walk with heeseung, it’s sweet, slow, comforting, like slow music flowing around and engulfing you in its arms. the unsaid words are weighing on your shoulders, you can feel the pressure, but it’s not awkward. above the busy hustle of the city and blaring horns, it’s a quiet world with heeseung, it’s nice, like a warm hug after a long day. you didn’t think you had it in yourself to spend a minute next to him without overthinking and possibly starting a banter. you didn’t think heeseung had it in him either, to make a walk feel so close to home.
“so, how are you coping knowing you’re going to lose once again?” and, it’s back again. everything is a hoax actually— his looks? a trap. his smile? a trap. it’s all a facade because once he opens his mouth, nothing but horseshit comes out of it.
“very well, in fact, because i know i’m the one getting that first spot this time,” call it overconfidence but you really do think you’ll get your title back this time. you’ve been studying well and hard enough, solving questions and going through every extra set of notes and exercises your professor sent. although, you would claim to beat heeseung had you been prepared or not because it’s fun messing with him.
“i’d rather have you show some mercy, in that case,” before you know it, you’re already standing in front of the library. “academic defeat and a heartbreak, it already sounds painful. i hope you go easy on me,” it’s sarcastic, of course, all these saccharine words of confessions made you forget how he is under the layers of smiles and winks that adorn his face. a session full of silence follows, the comforting tranquillity morphing into something tensed as he steps closer, your breath getting caught up in your throat as your mind dysfunctions— it’s the effect he has.
“heeseung,” you put a finger on his lips— the only thing between him and you, the only thing helping you stay sane and composed at the moment, because only you know the struggle of pulling yourself together while standing inches away from heeseung as he grabs your wrist and plants a soft kiss on your finger before removing it from his lips.
“why, that’s unfair. you get to see me anytime you want while i have to wait because you’re busy studying, you even get to see me shirtless, and i can’t even get a kiss?” and you hate the look in his eyes, you hate how close he is standing and how it makes your heart go crazy. this isn’t even the beginning and you hate how you feel like you’ve already lost, and you hate how confident he is with every breath he breathes against your lips. “just kidding, see you tomorrow,”
and you hate how this is where you realise that you’ve fallen deep, and you’ve fallen hard.
IV. PLANET TO A SUN
heeseung has been thinking about the walk for an hour and twenty-seven minutes— actually more, ever since the moment he got home last night, but that is how long he has been practising for, eyes on the ball but mind revolving around you like a planet to a sun. you had texted him about a rule this morning— no kissing before finals. actually no kissing before we start dating, lee— your exact words. they have been holding him back from thinking straight, even made him practise an apology while looking in the mirror if in case his actions offended you in any way. lost in thought, heeseung manages to get another shot in. that’s twenty-third in a row ever since he stepped on the court, which is unbelievable, even for him.
“is it just me or did heeseung’s performance improve overnight?” jake looks up at jay, fastening his shoelace, a chuckle escaping his lips that goes unnoticed.
the latter offers a hand to jake, helping him stand as they share a laugh before jay passes him the ball. “well, of course it will. he has to impress his girlfriend today at finals,”
“she’s not my girlfriend,” heeseung grunts almost as if hearing you and the word girlfriend in the same sentences cuts ten years from his lifespan. he knows it doesn’t, he’d kill to call you his’. the reason behind his edgy behaviour is your text and the weird rule you’ve inserted in an already weird bet— it’s not like he minds it, the bet, obviously. heeseung definitely minds not getting to kiss you for the next few weeks.
“yet,” jay clarifies, emphasising enough for the world to understand that his words are supposed to be in italics. “she will be if you score more than her in finals, which i don’t think is possible because unlike you, she has been studying all day everyday. i don’t know how she’s still alive,” and jay isn’t half bad student himself. juniors in business have his name residing on the tips of their tongues. he simply thinks you’re a freak for being in no clubs and not participating in anything that doesn’t involve studying.
“she’s the top student for a reason,” jake adds.
“i am the top student,” and hearing his friends call you the top students hurts heeseung’s ego a little bit. crushes aside, you’re his rival before his girlfriend, and you’re not even his girlfriend. you’re basically just a rival. “also, it’s not hard to study all day if you’re used to it,”
and jay scoffs in disbelief. “right, you would know something about it, lee i can’t go a day without playing basketball heeseung,”
“hey, everyone,” your voice reverberating in the court is what stops heeseung from responding to jay with a snarky remark. “just wanted to wish you all goodluck. i really hope you guys win the tournament or else, it’s going to be hard for heeseung to deal with two loses after i beat him in finals as well,”
heeseung rolls his eyes in disbelief, you hear taehyun exclaim that he has been team yn since the very first day, a claim that few others proceed to back up, especially sunghoon, with his own lore of how he prays everyday for you to win the bet with heeseung. you’re honoured to receive such support, to some extent. a part of you still wishes for the whole thing to be a secret restricted to just heeseung and you but again, it was your fault for placing bets in court, in front of the entirety of the basketball team to witness, even their coach.
“you’re a little too confident, don’t you think so?” he smirks, taking a few steps towards you with the ball supported between his arms and torso. “let me know where you’d like to go for our first date,” and it turns out heeseung is just as confident about winning the bet as you, perhaps even more. you are not surprised, being defending champions does that to people, or so you believe.
“mhm, let’s have you score a date first, lee,” you would have loved to talk more but decide to bid your goodbyes as soon as hanbin’s message pops up on your phone, the little scowl on heeseung’s face going unnoticed the moment he sees his name on your phone screen. heeseung would never in his wildest dream confess to being jealous— it doesn’t even make sense for him to be jealous of hanbin because he confessed to you, and you seem to like him back. his worries are pointless just like the useless art projects his art teacher used to assign in middle school.
your fingers dance on the keyboard of your phone as you reply to hanbin, the subtle taps synchronous with your steps with you rushing across the quadrangle, taking the nearest flight of stairs to the library. you wanted to spend the day at your apartment since classes are suspended for the rest of the day on account of the match. however, hanbin managed to convince you into coming to the library to help him with a few assignments here and there. you’re not opposed to studying on days-off, in fact you think it’s better since you get all twenty-four hours to yourself instead of investing any of it in classes. the match gave you an excuse to call in for a break, or an excuse to take your time choosing the outfits as if you’re the main character on such a big day.
the librarian gestures to you to slow down the moment you almost avoid slipping on the tiled floor, in the process of holding the door frame to stop yourself, an embarrassed apology makes its way from you to her as you spot hanbin in the further corner with his airpods plugged in. your first instinct is to scare him from behind but the thought leaves your mind as soon as you remember that you’re in a library, and getting kicked out on a day that has been treating you well so far doesn’t sound so smart.
so, you settle with approaching normal, instead of pulling random stunts, pulling out the chair opposite to him quietly to not make any sounds, mumbling a soft ‘hi’ as he takes out one of his airpods. “where’s miyeon?”
“sick, she’s skipping today’s match as well,” hanbin replies, eyes fixed on the notes he's copying from the laptop to loose sheets of paper, before looking up at you with another question on the tip of his tongue. “are you two still not talking?”
“we did, none of us brought up what happened that day, though,” you shrug as if it doesn't bother you anymore, as if you don't want it to bother you more than it already does.
miyeon and you have known each other since university, she was a senior in undergrad course who was forced by financial circumstances to skip one academic year, thus rejoining in third year along with you and hanbin. seeing her was less frequent while she was still a senior, although you're not sure if you've spent more than three days away from her ever since postgrad school started. a heavy tension masks all your conversations with her, over texts or in person, and even though you're trying to act like the small talks with her don't hurt you, a part of you is starting to miss the best friend you used to talk to all night, about wasted matters and sharing useless gossip.
silence fills in for the lack of words between you and hanbin and you allow it to do so, deciding not to disturb the decorum of the library anymore. you scroll through your phone mindlessly, there’s nothing to look at except people going crazy about the evening's match. you even manage to stumble upon a thread of arguments featuring students of your university and the one the team is going against. it’s all empty threats, seriously, ‘kys’ and ‘ur mom’s in my bed’ aren’t even insults at this point. they’re funny, sometimes, but you’ll never understand why or how they ended up being insults. ( honestly, you don’t see the potential )
“are you serious about heeseung?” a crack in the ice, hanbin's question catches you off guard, with a number of questions running back and forth in your mind before you settle with the one to respond with in return.
you blink in confusion. “i guess so, why?”
“nothing, it’s just i never expected it to be him, y’know, considering your history,” you think it's unavoidable, questions along these lines, they would've been asked sooner or later. truthfully, even you didn't expect yourself to fall for heeseung.
your history, what even is there to call history except blood and war? both you and heeseung have been up each other's neck from the moment your gazes collided. it sounds like a stupid beef between highschool students, almost embarrassing now that you both are nearing post graduation. with all the days that you’ve spent thinking about ways to get on his nerves, or worse— ruin his projects, it wasn’t just you who resorted to ruining each other’s hard work— no one would have known you and heeseung would ever end up on this note, with him chasing you and you pinning for him, all under the blankets of a silly bet.
“well, as i always say, hanbin, life is unpredictable,” there’s a smile dancing on your lips, a dazzling hint of factuality in your eyes. “besides, he’s a nice guy behind all the annoying things he does. i think he's pretty serious about me, or us, too,”
hanbin has noticed the way you smile at your phone. it doesn’t always happen, only when you’re talking with miyeon or a few friends from highschool, now heeseung ranks up on that list as well. he’d be lying if the uneasiness doesn’t bother him, it’s bound to surface when he remembers all the nights you spent complaining about heeseung. actually, the rant session included hanbin, you and miyeon, but she would rather go to sleep than listen to you complain like a child for hours on roll, leaving you and hanbin driving the conversation. he has lost count of the amount of times you’ve ended up crying in the process, or the amount of times he has hung up on you only to show up at your place late at night to make sure you’re doing okay, and the nights you two have spent watching movies and falling asleep on the couch, followed by the mornings gone by with miyeon being salty over the fact that none of you invited her to your impromptu nightover.
the thought of heeseung confessing to you still surprises hanbin, it’s one of the things he deemed as impossible since forever. and he can go, warn heeseung about hurting you, dropping all sorts of threats at the boy. hanbin can go on for hours about how he would make heeseung’s life a living hell if he ever broke your heart. he can prove the righteous friend that he is, but at the end of day, he would always be the third person between you and heeseung. hanbin can only assume so much about you two, not even sure if all of it is right. he can only wish so much for you to have eyes for someone else.
and so, all he does is shoot a smile at you. “i hope he is,”
.
.
.
the only time you step out of the library is exactly three hours and thirty three minutes later, to sprint towards the basketball knowing that you absolutely cannot afford losing seats in the first two rows. fortunately, or unfortunately enough, you’re not the only student going crazy about the game. you can swear at least a dozen came out of the library right after you, even though all of them may not attend the game.
you’re already running late— well, still twenty minutes early but that doesn’t give you much time to meet the team and secure the front row seats. and meeting the team is an excuse, let’s be honest. you want to meet heeseung, have a quick private talk, kiss him good luck, you don’t know; you wouldn’t. your head is in a mess, behind you hanbin is yelling for you to slow down as you run down the stairs. half of you is worrying about seats and the other half is wording her sentences out for you to say when you meet heeseung, and the team. you can wish them all the luck in the world, after all, it’s the university team and you would love to see them win. the whole craze about sports doesn’t feel real and worth the hype but things start coming full circle when you’re the one watching. slowly, as one would expect, but you are starting to understand why everyone goes bonkers during tournament season.
“damn, slow down,” hanbin huffs, grabbing your arm for you to slow down. “it’s not like they wouldn’t start without you,”
“that’s the problem. what if they start without me?” but your legs wouldn’t rest before arriving at the court. you know your words sound funny, painting you as if the result of today’s match depends on you. it feels crazy to be this excited about a mere basketball match, nonetheless you know it’s not the match you’re actually looking forward to. “besides, i’m more worried about seats,”
“i asked hao to save two for us. he’s friends with heeseung, i think he will do that much for his friend’s girlfriend or whatsoever,” you see him roll his eyes at his own words, proceeding to slide his hands into yours before continuing on your way to the venue, this time a little slower.
you have heard about hao from hanbin and miyeon a few times. he’s pursuing a masters in music, wants to teach violin professionally according to hanbin. miyeon has even attended one of his recitals last autumn, something from sibelius, if you remember correctly. he is popular, and you see the depths of his popularity as soon as you spot him on the bleachers, surrounded by people left and right, one of them trying to grab a seat next to him before he points at you and hanbin, and the crowd goes mild, ultimately dissolves as the players step in.
“i didn’t know heeseung had a girlfriend,” you don’t know what you were expecting, perhaps a few words of greetings, hi’s and hello’s since you two are meeting for the first time. anything, except that question.
“believe me, i didn’t either,” and why even is heeseung going around telling everyone that you’re his girlfriend?
the court breaks into cheers as soon as the game commences and yet, it feels a little quite. perhaps, it’s miyeon’s absence getting to you. had it been her next to you instead of hanbin and hao— who are busy amongst themselves by the way, talking about anything but the match— she would’ve been eating snacks non-stop, giving you a little talk on every player, like a resume. it’s take her fifteen minutes to give you summaries on players from each team, their achievements, girlfriends and probably even mothers, who knows. although, you haven’t attend many games with miyeon to pinpoint every good and bad thing about her impromptu presentation, her unofficial commentary helped you sit throughout the match. it feels incomplete without her, not just the game but days in general. it’s definitely her absence making your surroundings feel quieter.
so, long story short, you don’t have a clue of what’s happening. well, you do, a little. you know what a dunk and a three pointer is besides the names of players on your university team, but that basically sums up your knowledge about basketball. all sorts of voices are mingling in the air but you’re busy following the ball around the court with your gaze, occasionally cursing and clapping when the team misses a close basket or scores a comparatively difficult basket. the tension between the two teams keeps rising as the game continues. you notice sunghoon groan in disappointment as one of the players from the opposite team gets in a banked shot from the wings, scoring two points for the team. a part of the crowd goes quieter at jay’s failed attempt to save the score for his team, beomgyu patting on jay’s back while muttering something along the lines of ‘good job.’ involuntarily, your eyes travel to heeseung, whose expression stiffens at the sight of the scoreboard displaying a two-point lag.
a time out call follows as the players move back to their respective ends, and it physically hurts you to see the difference in atmosphere between the two teams, or the frowns on the faces of players on your university team. for a second, you even consider walking down to them as they gather around the coach, grabbing water bottles and towels while nodding at the coach’s words between heavy breaths. you catch jake looking in your direction for a brief second, a smile makes its way to your lips before he responds with one as well, proceeding to nudge heeseung’s arm and pointing in your direction. his actions are left with no response— it hurts a little, although you are aware that anything else falls after winning the match on his priority list— and they get back on the court as the game resumes.
“they need to catch up soon,” hanbin mutters, taking a look at the clock. and even if it’s just a two point difference, you’re starting to understand why it creates a huge gap. it’s almost like scores on a test. going from eighty-three to ninety then hundred is easier than going from ninety-eight to hundred. greater differences are easier to overcome; for you have so many rooms for improvisation and thus, so many chances at closing the gap. the closer you are to a perfect score, the narrower are the chances and it’s almost impossible to pin-point and work on every single weakness of yours within those two points. you’re pretty sure your words would hardly make sense to anyone else, but nonetheless you understand why everyone on the court looks more attentive, probably like meerkats on the lookout for preys and predators.
much to your disappointment, the play continues with the rivals dominating the court, giving low to zero chances for the opposition to get their hands on the balls. you even see a few of them trying to provoke heeseung, the latter trying his best to not react but you’re afraid he would start throwing punches if another one of the players passed by him with his middle finger up heeseung’s face. one of them, who you assume is the captain judging from the way he has been directing his team, goes in for a hook, immediately getting blocked by taehyun as the court bursts into loud cheers once again.
“that was a little too far for a hook,” hao comments, and you nod as if you understand his words and know exactly how a hook is supposed to be. you didn’t even know about a hook until now, and you’re still not sure what it is since all the shots look almost the same to you.
from that second onwards, it felt as if the control transferred to heeseung’s teams as they transition quickly from defence to offence, making quick passes and running the court, practically catching the opposite team off guard. jay passes the ball to jake, who takes a leap from half court, driving towards the unguarded basket. a quick layup using the backboard, as you hear hanbin name the shot, and basically everyone runs to jake for scoring two points for the team as the scoreboards displays a sour tie. it’s a seemingly easy match after that, especially when the players look like they’re back into the game. sunghoon passes the ball to heeseung who goes for another layup and fails, much to his despair, before going in for a dunk and scoring yet another basket for the team, leading it by two points. you see him passing a cocky smirk at the player from before as jake pats him in the back with heeseung almost stumbling in the process.
heeseung shoots you a wink before focusing on sunghoon’s words as they get back into position, and even amidst the butterflies you got by his recent actions, you don’t miss the way he stretches his fingers, ring-finger specifically, pointing something about the movements to jay before getting his focus back to the game; and you just hope it isn’t what you’re thinking it is.
it’s a slow game after that, no points scored, four fouls with two of them back to back, one by each team respectively. the frustration increases on the court, evident in each step taken by the players, groans and sighs fill the atmosphere and get louder than the cheers that have gone quieter once again. it isn’t until a few minutes later that all the players run to the front court as soon as they see an opportunity for a fast break with taehyun taking the lead, passing the ball to jay just a few seconds after, who passes it to heeseung— and call it the lack of efficiency or bad timing, heeseung bumps into one of the players from opposite team, an uneven balance, and falls directly on his right knee, as one of the opposite players throws the ball off-bounds to stop the play.
the medics take him to the benches, bringing ice packs and everything else before escorting him inside. you considered following him inside before hanbin tells you that the officials aren’t letting anyone meet him, probably until they receive updates of his situations. you bite the inside of your cheeks in nervousness, palms sweating as if you’re about to appear for an exam you weren’t informed about until five minutes ago, or maybe it’s even worse. the murmurs from the crowd or the group of girls behind you, to be more specific, do nothing but make you feel more anxious. zhang hao, being a sports medicine student, tries to give you an insight on heeseung’s injury, telling you that even if he fell directly on his knee and it could result in a patella fracture, or perhaps just dislocation— words that compel you to yell at him to shut up before he ensures that heeseung will be fine. hanbin does that for you, noticing your slightly panicked state, telling hao to talk about anything but anatomy of how badly a simple injury can affect a player, and when sunghoon and taehyun return to the officials with an update on heeseung and a pale face, you knew you had to run to your heeseung as if it’s the end of the world.
“heeseung,” you breathe out, stepping aside to let the nurse from the infirmary leave before you walk closer to him. the awkwardness between you and other players, namely jay, jake and beomgyu, besides the coach, rings all the bells to remind you that coming here was probably a bad idea. well, of course, you like heeseung and are worried for him, but the tension in the air makes you feel like you showed up uninvited. “are you okay?”
you ask nonetheless, voice close to a whisper, as you stand at a distance, looking at the bruise on his knee. the smell of antiseptic spray fills your lungs, nose scrunching at the way you could almost taste the diclofenac at the back of your mouth.
“not really,” he inhales sharply, exhaling a reply once everyone left, knowing they had a game to get back to. “look at you, are you worried for me?”
“i’m regretting coming here now,” liar. and then you let the silence carry the conversation with itself for the next few minutes. you don’t know what to say— what can you say? all you do is sit next to him, hands brushing against his as his winces at the slightest touch. heeseung opened his mouth to say something before dismissing his words with a heavy sigh the very next moment. you almost hold his hand— almost, thinking of holding it ever so carefully as if it’s glass with thousands of cracks, and then you’d kiss it ever so delicately, you did it— almost, but then, it’s just you getting upset over the fact that he played even after hurting his hand.
“so, they’re benching you,” you say in an attempt to strike a conversation, a little conflicted with your choice of words, wondering if he even wants to hear about something related to the match at the moment.
“of course,” he says it like a matter of fact, a fact whose impact doesn’t seem to touch him. “please tell me they have jeno substituting for me. i’ve barely been getting updates in the group chat,” the least he expected was for one of the substitute players to keep him updated about the game through texts, and heeseung planned to get back to the court until you showed up, taking a seat next to him on the benches in the locker room. you don’t understand why they didn’t take him to the infirmary, and decided to think it’s because locker rooms are closer and if there’s anything heeseung should not be doing right now, it’s moving his injured leg.
you shrug. “i don’t know, i’ll ask hanbin,”
“thanks,” and even though heeseung isn’t really fond of your friend for reasons that are widely known, at least amidst his friend group, he really hopes hanbin is of some use.
it’s quiet now. you can hear faint cheers buried in the layers of walls and rooms that stand between the court and the locker room, a few muffled footsteps filling up any spaces left in the air, here and there. you assume it’s his fans trying to check up on him, as annoying as it sounds to you for you’d rather have this moment with him all to yourself. you hear him sigh heavily once every few minutes, trying to ball his injured fingers up in a fist to allow the slightest of moments and ensure healthy circulation, a soft hiss leaving his lips at the sensation of striking pain shooting up his nerves. unlike heeseung, your attention shifts to his injured knee with a faint chill running down your spine as you look at his bruise, which now looks more bluish than it was when you had arrived, signifying the possibly alarming amount of blood that has now clotted in the tissues.
“you can cry,” nudge him with your shoulders and heeseung directs you to the most disgusted face in return. “what? it’s the finals and you’re injured so you won’t be able to play today. any normal person would sob their eyes out,”
“i’m not a kid, yn,” he nudges back, a chuckle slipping off his lips.
“trying to act all cool but you’re probably going to cry yourself to sleep for days, or even weeks,” he holds out his hand for you to hold it as you stand up, an action you give into without opposition, intertwining your fingers with his. there’s a smug smile on your face and he sees it as well, although only you know the way your heart is somersaulting at the way your hands fit his’ like pieces of a puzzle. “i know what you are, heeseung,”
he scoffs at your words, hands still entwined, a lovesick glow in his eyes— it’s your first time seeing this side of him, you’re glad to be one of the people to see it. silence has never felt so comfortable to you. the distant noise from court feels like it rushed on its way to you and heeseung, and stopped at the doors, as if you two are beyond its reach. you might never say it to him, but everything seemingly ceases to exist when you’re with him, and the world feels timeless. it’s embarrassing, cringe, and it’s making your heart beat faster with the way he looks at you. “you need to shut up,”
“make me?” a quick response, one that was supposed to be a joke, a joke which was supposed to be accompanied by laughter and brushed off as another baseless comment, but another second passes as you continue to look into his eyes, and you realise you’re actually considering it— leaning in towards him while giving his hand a light tug to pull him towards you the slightest, your other hand cupping his face as your gaze ghosts up his eyes and settles on his lips. when it comes to him, rationality is out of the window and your lips are on his’ planting the softest kiss at the corner of his mouth before pulling away like nothing ever happened.
a pause; you could hear the silence ringing in your years, eyes fixed over him as if you’re spilling all your secrets to him, waiting for him to take a hint. “what even happened to the ‘no kissing before finals’ rule?’”
and you realise you had actually forgotten about it, for better and never for the worse, because as you said and as he repeated, it’s all about timing. empty locker rooms, quiet hallways with not a soul around, your hand in his, his eyes on you— the timing couldn’t be better, and you know better than messing up and letting heeseung become just a closed chapter of your life. “yeah, i could care less about that,”
there are a lot of things you could care less about, like the cold metal that stings against your back as he pushes you against the lockers, or the fact that anyone could walk in, any minute; you don’t care, don’t know. his lips are on yours and his hands are on your waist, it feels euphoric the way his lips move in synchrony with yours, fitting like puzzle pieces. heeseung tugs you closer by your waist, a faint gasp escaping your mouth that dissolves immediately into your breaths mingling together. it’s intoxicating and is making you go insane, the way he manages to sweep you off your feet with the smallest of actions and simplest of words— from the very first day.
heeseung was right, and you as well, it’s all about timing. from the day you first looked at him in a seminar, to the day he switched to biotech— you plan on asking him why because so far, all your guesses seem implausible— down to the day he confessed, leading up to this moment with you pressing against the lockers and his lips against against yours. heeseung sighs softly, cupping your cheeks and tilting your head to deepen the kiss, and you could feel the heat of his breath against your lips when you pull away just when it was about to get better, avoiding his lips when he leans in to chase yours barely a millisecond later. your eyes shift down to his hand, one that has been injured during the game, and you proceed to hold it carefully, brushing your lips over the bruise lightly before adorning it with feathery kisses as his other hand travels down to your waist once again, pulling you closer. “you should go easy on yourself,”
you whisper the exact same words he had told you a day ago, traversing your eyes back towards him while your gazes have a conversation so foreign, as if it’s only for the silence to understand. and it’s quite literally just the two of you basking in silence as he rests his head against the crook of your neck, planting a few kisses here and there before pulling you even closer, as if you were going to disappear any second. “i think, i’m in love with you,”
and timing be damned— because heeseung confesses to you once again, and then he’s kissing you once again, slowly, sweetly, in love, and timing doesn’t even matter because every second feels right with him. with the same air of delighted indifference he comes to know well in the gleam of your touch and the curl of your lips, you simply kiss him back as if to say, hate to admit, but i’m in love with you too. and timing really be damned because you hear loud rounds of cheers as you feel his shoulders stiffen. a slight disconnection between you and heeseung makes you wonder if he’s thinking about the results of the game, which is inevitable, but this is about you and him, and nothing else. you hear the notifications from his phone go off, hinting that the match is probably over, and you pull him into another kiss, another round of selfishness guised as an outlet for him to forget about the game, another round of messy make outs, tasting the freedom of ignorance.
and then you don’t hear from heeseung again.
V. OBJECT OF ALL DESIRES
days without heeseung feel like they’re forty-eight hours long.
you think it’s a disease or some sort of withdrawal syndrome. this isn’t your first time without him, in fact, you used to do just fine without him in your life until you let him in. at this point, it isn’t even about not being able to see him— heeseung has been absent for almost seven days. you even asked jay about him to see if he has been in contact with any of his teammates but much to your disappointment, he disappeared off the face of earth like he never existed. taehyun has constantly been reminding you to not fret too much, knowing that heeseung gets a little dramatic after losing matches. you can take his word, obviously, a friend from highschool would know heeseung better than a girl who started talking to him normally barely weeks ago, although you couldn’t help but worry about him as seconds passed like water dripping down the tap, disturbing the silence.
you know how losses feel— like a part of you has been taken out and you’re left to bleed. it’s worse when it’s about something you’ve loved all your life. you’ve walked next to losses, hand in hand. when you know you’ve lost something while having it in the palms of your hands the whole time, the feeling eats you inside. you wonder if heeseung is feeling the same way you think he is, even if he didn’t show it a week ago when you had met him in the clubroom, the feeling starts to sink in when you’re alone amidst the ghosts of nobodies. even though he was smiling and acting like the little shit he is, you felt anger and regret in the way he kissed you. there was a sense of numbness dripping down his fingertips in the way they brushed against your cheeks, cupping your face. you could’ve been a sweet escape— it hurts to admit that the emotions weren’t possibly real, but you couldn’t blame him.
losing a match, to put it in your words, meant failing in a test; and losing because of an injury, it’s like skipping a test you prepared for, because of fever. except tests can be rescheduled for students who missed— a luxury heeseung, as a basketball player, cannot enjoy. even you couldn’t believe your eyes when the students on the forum started talking about the lost match, all sorts of comments going around, though none targeted at heeseung, fortunately. yet, your first instinct was to dial his number— out of reach, the first thing you hear on the other side of the line, and all you’ve been hearing for days now.
you had considered cutting ties with him, not literally, but as in stopping to chase him as if he’s the oxygen you inspire. you could’ve showed up at miyeon’s place with apologies, her favourite snacks and a brief explanation of why you did what you did, and everything that has happened as the consequences of your own actions. with weekends approaching, you could’ve planned a two-day trip with her and hanbin before the winter snow made it hard to commute— just anything to get your mind off heeseung, since apparently, you weren’t on his mind either. albeit, you end up doing nothing, no trips, no plans to see miyeon, it’s just you and your bruised heart with soju on the side. your mind is way too cluttered with thoughts about heeseung to focus on studying and at the same time, it’s way too empty to try doing anything else.
so, you simply venture down the hallways, drowning in all kinds of thoughts, good and bad. you can use the time to study but concentration has been far out of your reach ever since the match, or ever since he went underground, to be more specific. the impromptu make out session was probably his last straw— it makes sense. you kissed someone who had been walked out of a match because of an injury instead of consoling them. you let your feelings get the best of you, making everything about yourself yet again. you won’t be surprised if heeseung decides to ghost you for the rest of his life after that; or maybe, that’s not possible since you see a familiar figure sitting in the outdoor basketball court, spinning the ball with it’s axis on the ground in a directionless manner.
“heeseung?” you notice his back tense at the sound of you calling his name, head down low as if he’s responding with an exasperated sigh. “where the hell have you been? i’ve been trying to reach you— heck, even your friends haven’t heard a word from you in days,”
“not now, yn, leave me alone,” and an exasperated sigh is what it was.
“look, i know—”
“just, what part of leaving me alone do you not understand?” you try to speak but heeseung cuts you off just as efficiently as he does other things, with annoyance heavily evident in his words. had it not been heeseung, you would’ve left already, for you have more important things to tend to, and you’re certainly not interested in matters you’re not supposed to be included in, if only it wasn’t heeseung, and if only you weren’t crazily worried for him.
“oh, i understand it clearly, every part, actually, and i also understand that you’re upset and leaving you alone would certainly not be the best move considering the way you went MIA for a week,” and you understand his impulses about disappearing into thin air, wishing the ground eats him up or for the walls to cave in till he’s entombed in them, but a person as smart as him should know taking out helps better than thinking about wanting to vanish. “we can sit and have a talk if you stop being such an asshole about it. i’m down to listen to—”
“fine, what do you want to hear about?” he cuts you off in annoyances, the ball rolls down to a distance like your heart when you see the unfamiliar emotion in his eyes. “you were right. i went home and have been crying myself to sleep. i haven’t been eating well either. i skipped five out of nine mocks and barely passed the four i gave, let’s add that too. is that enough?”
you don’t like the way he puts it, as if it’s supposed to make you feel better. maybe about the bet, maybe, since he’s supposed to rank above you in finals to get around dating you, and maybe watching him lose is supposed to offer you some sort of relief— seriously, what you’re feeling right now is far from that. guilt, anger, shame, you’re not unfamiliar with those emotions. they eat you inside and it’s not because you’ve met with defeat, it’s because of falling off all the expectations people had, giving them another reason to point fingers and laugh. you could be really over-reacting, but if you didn’t have your parents telling you it’s going to be fine every time you didn’t do well on tests, you don’t know where you would’ve been right now. and you think you can play a part of the same for heeseung, if not all.
you sit next to him, nose scrunching at the sight of dust on the cement laid with cracks. that’s what you get with an outdoor court no longer in use. you can see little plantlets germinating from the soil, emerging through the cracks, the rusted ring catches your eye. heeseung huffs as you settle next to him, wondering exactly how long the court has been unused for, considering its lack of maintenance. “let’s date,”
and your words are not what you were planning to say or what should be said in this situation, but they still manage to extract a response from him. “don’t play with me,”
“i’m not, in fact, that is what i’ve been wanting to say to you for days. of course, this isn’t the best timing, but i don’t know what else to say,” you pause in what feels like embarrassment. too bad, his crush is not good at conversations. sometimes you end up nodding and blinking for five minutes straight before saying anything, after a person opens up to you with tears and blood. “and, i’m not going to tell you to stop acting like a child or whatever because the team lost such an important match and somewhere, you’re blaming yourself for it, which you shouldn’t, by the way. all i need to say is that you still have the next year to make up for what you’ve lost now,”
second chances come with higher expectations from people along with words that end up making one feel worse about their situation. you’ve already heard a few students talk about how heeseung should’ve been more ‘careful’— as if it was his choice to get injured and lose the match. you know it wasn’t going to be easy, especially with his injury that probably requires him out of the court for weeks, but you hope that amidst whatever he’s feeling, between self-loath and regret, heeseung manages to find himself once again.
“actually, i’m planning to drop out of the team next year and focus on studies. my parents were already against me playing basketball during postgrad, i’m finally starting to notice why,” basketball could’ve been his entire career if heeseung’s grandmother had not wished for him to go into the medical field. seeing the insides of a person makes him want to empty his bowel from the mouth so biotechnology was his next option. heeseung thought having two hands would give him the benefit of managing basketball and academics together, unlike how his parents had wished for, but his recent mock scores and lack of time devoted to studies is making him question his choices. “and what the hell were you on about dating, by the way?”
you’re half immersed in your own thoughts until heeseung directs the question at you— brows furrowed, confusion shadowing his face— you realise it’s your turn to do the talking. “oh, you know, dating. i think we should start dating already, it’s quite inevitable after that day in the clubroom,”
it is evitable, really, but you’re down bad— with all due respect.
you haven’t been okay ever since you realised that you like heeseung, and you’ve been trying to act normal about it, attempting to not lose your cool-hard-to-get-girl composure— miyeon’s words, and they make you cringe— while the thought of him is eating your brain slowly and gradually, making you go insane. if you were to narrate from where you opened and closed the door at, it would be a slippery slope, you don’t know how someone ends up falling for the person they despise. the yn from a month or two ago would be knowing, you can see her shrugging and getting back to her books, saying see saw it coming. ( it’s miyeon’s fault for making you even think about having a mind blowing chemistry with heeseung ) the you from two semesters ago, when he first transferred, would hate you and call you a traitor, might even write whore on a mirror while looking at it because you fold at the sight of hot, smart and sporty men who are perfect at everything, even at ruining someone’s life, like he’s ruining yours; and the yn from highschool, you see her squealing on the floor because oh, what a fan of enemies to lovers she was— heeseung wouldn’t even have been in the current picture if your highschool crush slash rival liked you back. the current you, well, she’s a goner, and in denial that she’s a goner. too much pride does something to a person, especially when you’re an over-scorer and an academic weapon. you’ve lost all your abilities of letting your guard down even once, refusing to give up and accept defeat, no matter how tortuous it is on the inside.
the current you is more like a victorian man looking at ankles for the very first time.
“and the bet? what happened to it?” he chuckles, of course, anyone would, considering the way you’ve lost after placing the bet with utmost confidence slash overconfidence. see, it never ends well, anything, with overconfidence, it doesn’t end well, never have and never will. and you, you don’t learn, sitting with the very well known fact that if you were given the chance, you would place the bet with him again.
“ah, i didn’t mean to do that, honestly. i was confused when you confessed, it was so sudden, i didn’t know how to respond. the bet was the best i could come up with,” miyeon was right, you could’ve used something along the lines of ‘i need some time,’ that day instead of pulling out a bet right out of your ass, and now you don’t know how to save face. at least the fact that heeseung confessed first makes you feel a little better about yourself. “c’mon, i know you love challenges. i was just trying to see if it gets you turned on or something,”
and heeseung scoffs in disbelief, eyeing you at your choice of words. “yeah, i feel very turned on knowing my crush dragged me into a bet that i’ve been working so hard for and she wasn’t even serious about it,”
“working hard? from what i saw, the only thing you worked hard for was basketball,” you raise your brows, a taunting intonation in your voice. a part of you regrets the choice of words, knowing that basketball is seemingly quite a sensitive topic to bring up at the moment. albeit, the slight fear evaporates off when he laughs and dismisses your words and nothings.
he leans a little closer, hands touching yours. “you never know what i’m up to at home,”
a pause; you look in his eyes and then at his lips, he mirrors your actions with a smirk on his face. you guess that there’s a second meaning to his words, not sure what, but the look in his eyes tells you something about it. “i think we should get back to when you were talking mental and i was talking you down,”
and you could grab his face and kiss him with no one around, on the unmaintained basketball court for the grey and cloudy skies to see. you could run your hands through his hairs and tell him how crazy he makes you while planting kisses down his neck. you can kiss him till both of your lungs are begging for oxygen, and that's when you'd tell him how he makes you feel— breathless and drowning, a little insane every time you see him flirting with someone that's not you. you can kiss him till the sun goes down and evening takes over, it doesn't matter if you're outside for the world to see. you would've kissed him if heeseung hadn't leaned back, looking at the ball lying stray at a distance.
“by the way, i’d love to date you,” he smiles at the infinite horizon before looking at you, as if waiting for a response already known.
“yeah, i figured that,” you try to play it cool as if you’re all knowing. it’s partially true, he did confess to you first. “let’s make another bet: no kissing before finals, and the one who ends up giving in first has to buy dinner,” you come up with yet another bet, your voice hinting the enthusiasm for no apparent reason.
heeseung squints at you, a little conflicted, quite unsure of your words. it sounds like a moment of deja vu, hopefully on a better note this time ‘round. “that’s not even valid, we made out not even a week ago,”
“let bygones be bygones, hee,” he likes the sound of the little nickname you've given him, unlike bygones, the word you use to refer to your very first kiss with him as if it's an unfortunate memory. “it’s decided then, no kissing before finals and the loser has to buy dinner, and i won’t be satisfied with anything less than a five star meal,”
you squint, index finger pointing at him, a challenging composure. another chuckle from him makes it’s way to you, lips curling into a faint smile. it takes you all the way back to the day you placed your first bet with him, with head empty and no logic, for the entirety of the basketball team to see, hear, and talk about it as if it’s supposed to be on the headlines of the national newspaper. your eyes spark up in anticipation, wondering if the two of you are down for another bet, one that doesn’t proceed towards failure, hopefully.
“the last time you did something like this, you ended up running back to me and asking me to date you,” he scoffs softly, side-eyeing you with a mocking gaze, quite ready to pull out the receipts if you ever deny his words. you hate how correct he is, all the time, actually, and you hate how you don’t have words to argue back.
lee heeseung, a nobody to you till he switched to your department, just some student who was there to pass time until he started ranking above you on tests and flipped your whole world upside down. you tried to not think about him and failed every time— still beats you why. you’ve never let distractions get the best of you, but heeseung, perhaps he’s more than just a distraction, or maybe he isn’t a distraction at all. he’s like a plant in your garden that you could care less about— should care less about, it’s growing without harming your plants, but it’s creeping against a wall with pretty flowers for show, and before you know it, it’s demanding for all your attention that you offer without second thoughts, unwillingly at first.
he’s the bane of your existence and object of all your desires, to put it simply and make it sound cliché. you’ve had your moments trying to run away from him, get him out of your head, annoy him to the point he’d prefer flying to the other side of the globe, or that could be you too, anywhere, far from him. but life, for the thousandth time, is unpredictable. when was the last time something worked out exactly how you had planned— can’t remember, obviously, just like the way you don’t remember when heeseung started occupying a corner of your brain, popping in and out at random times and disrupting your thought process. the more you tried to ignore him, the further he housed in your head, the deeper in your heart, closer, within your reach, as if for you to grab his hands and let him enter your side of the world.
and so, you kiss him again, pulling him towards you with the collars of his jacket. you feel him smile, a triumphant smile, as expected from someone who is used to winning. you don't think you can say you've lost, not at the way he cups your cheeks and tilts his head to deepen the kiss just moments before you pull away. “i always run back to you, don’t i?”
and you're a child infatuated with their favourite sport, a painter falling in love with strokes, a pianist dancing to the melody of rachmaninoff, a student addicted to getting a perfect score, a player addicted to winning. you trace back to things you like, you always run back to heeseung,
and you always would.
TEN MINUTES LATER :
heeseung plants a soft peck on your lips. “dinner’s on you,”
“fuck!”
#group: enhypen#member: heeseung#author: boyfhee#sorry if this review is all over the place 😭 this is literally my live commentary so my thoughts were ↖️↘️↕️↙️↖️↘️↖️↙️↖️↙️ ZOOOOOOOOO#THANK UUUU FOR WRITING AND FEEDING ENHABLR W GOOD CONTENT 🤲🤲🤲
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but poetry, romance, beauty, love… these are what we stay alive for
byler dead poets society au
#im getting the monthly I Need To Watch This Movie Again feeling#EVEN THOUGH I BAWL MY EYES OUT EVERY TIME#will byers#as todd#mike wheeler#as neil#IT FITS SO WELL SORRY BYE#byler#stranger things#byler moodboard#i actually think ab this everyday#might get over myself and write the fic#i have a few peter ones to finish before i do but mark my words ill get smth like this out
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realistic reasons why genshin men are undateable‼️
ft: aether, albedo, razor, diluc, itto, gorou, childe, zhongli, kaeya, xiao (pt 2)
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aether
my man is too busy looking for his sister 💀
as nice as he his, he probs doesn't have room in his heart for a relationship
he travels so much, you'd probably get tired if you don't die in teyvat first
if we're talking ab abyss aether however...
he'd be way too obsessed and focused on overthrowing celestia and the gods
and even if he does have room in his heart for you, don't expect to be the first priority
albedo
let's be honest, he doesn't have time for a relationship
he'd probably get bored once he's done learning everything there is to know ab you
a workaholic, working 24/7
also unless you're a science nerd like him, don't be surprised if he just decided to drop you bc you can't catch up with his science ramblings
id imagine he'd use you for weird experiments like in his story quest
razor
a furry
can't communicate
would probably start barking at you idk
would 100% try to lick you
very overprotective bc of his past
would try to give you dead rabbits and squirrels as gifts/signs of affection like how cats or dogs do
diluc
emotionally unavailable but he's hot so it's fine
if you're more emotional/sensitive then he's gonna make you cry at one point or another bc of how cold he is
has his walls built so high, it's gonna take persistence to take them down
too busy running a whole wine industry + protecting monstadt at night
would be SUPER overprotective, borderline suffocating. he's gonna try to hold on to you until it hurts
he doesn't mean it ofc, he's just scared of losing you (fatherless behavior smh)
he needs to get a lot of his shit together before he can start a proper relationship *cough cough* KAEYA *cough cough*
itto
he's a complete dumbass, just like any other typical himbo
is the type to plan out a whole party and buy a bunch of gifts only to get your birthday date wrong
it's endearing but it might get annoying at one point
definitely gets into a lot of trouble with city authorities, you'd always have to clean up his mess or bail him out
again, he never has bad intentions, but it's gonna get annoying at some point
gorou
another furry
better get used to him talking ab how amazing kokomi is
also gives off overprotective vibes
doesn't have much time or room for you, at least not until the resistance is over
childe
too busy killing people 😘
depending on who you are, dating a fatui harbinger might cause some problems
unless you're cool w trying to drown a whole nation and commiting genocide idk
even though he comes off as friendly, he probably has also built walls like diluc, they're just not as obvious
somewhere deep down he's scared he might end up harming you or losing you, since he's well aware of his position and what he does
(bro did you see that line in his story quest where he says smth like "if i were to quit being a harbinger I'd love to travel the world w you😭)
ok that's enough childe for today, and yes i will be writing a fanfic later
zhongli
this peepaw is hella old fashioned
being the god of contracts, he's gonna expect 100% loyalty, and might get a wee bit possessive, even if it's not obvious
he's just incredibly good at hiding it
being immortal, he might not even try to date you in the first place bc he knows you can't have a "normal" relationship
he'd rather not have you at all than to watch you grow old while he stays the same, eventually having to sit by your deathbed
oh geez that got dark quickly didn't it
but if he does have you, he's not letting you go, even if you don't want him anymore
will probably try to keep you forever bc of the "contract" y'all made😨
someone write a yandere zhongli fic and send me the link pls 😘😘
kaeya
we've all seen him weasel his way out of doing his work
would try to manipulate you with his smooth talk
although his heart is set in the right direction, much like diluc, he needs to get his shit together before he can carry a healthy relationship
also would probably come home drunk a lot
having a "flirty personality" can often be mistaken for flirting with others
so unless you're a holy nun or smth you're gonna argue ab it with him at some point
xiao
bold of you to assume he's gonna even pay attention to you
as we all know, he comes off as cold and standoffish, even if he might not mean it
he's just carrying way too much on his shoulders to also have a relationship as well
his karmic debt as well as the duty of the sole protector of liyue is going to put a burden on him, and he wouldn't want others to share that burden with him
despite how he feels about you, he's only ever going to see himself as a protector, never your partner
because his sole priority is to keep you safe, and keeping you safe means not getting too close to you
might even go out of his way to be mean to you just to make sure you won't get close to him☹️
but even so, he'll be there when you call, since he is your protector after all
a/n: damn the amount of ff inspo i got just from writing a stupid hc...
#genshin impact#genshin#genshin angst#genshin crack#genshin hc#genshin impact fanfic#genshin impact headcanons#childe x reader#kaeya x reader#diluc x reader#genshin impact hc#xiao fanfic#xiao x reader#itto x reader#zhongli x reader
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hi dan!!
hope you're doing well. i got added to the evermore taglist some time ago but i've been following the series for a while now. i honestly need to get better at reblogging/commenting on my fave creators works. . .but i wanted to share some of my thoughts on evermore! usually anything that involves exes and past feelings and a heck-ton-of-angst is not my thing. . .but after my sibling introduced me to your series, i got really invested. we would discuss theories and speculate abt what caused ayato to break up w yn. actually no. we'd just trash talk him (LOL)!! i enjoyed (and continue to enjoy) the slice-of-life kinda parts in evermore, esp. when y/n tours around the city and gets to enjoy the mondstat scenery. it was comforting to read and your writing gives off this very pleasant vibe similar to a handwritten letter.
the evermore plot twist shocked me a lot! jean being diluc's fiancé was smth i expected (bc there is no such thing as a smooth road for y/n and relationships @-@) yet didn't. but. . .i also didn't want y/n to end up diluc or even ayato after reconciling w him. y/n has to find happiness alone first. which sounds contradictory,,but it seems like bad news to find a new love at your ex's wedding XD (???). diluc also gave me sm mixed signals, but he clearly does like y/n. this is all opinion soooooo hopefully i don't get thrown into the dadaupa gorge!!
i hope u continue writing and don't get discouraged by the mixed reactions to the plot twist and anything else u might have in mind for evermore and other works!! it's ur story and ur story alone so only u can tell it!! it's incredibly brave to share anything u write w the world. u interact w us a lot and provide such a good content!! we'll (your pen pals) will be waiting patiently for any updates and will be grateful for anything u post, me included.
thank u dan !
TLDR: i'll support evermore til the end. <3
im at a loss for words 🥹🥹🥹 i gotta thank your sibling for recommending you evermore, they got good taste /hj 🤪🤪🤪 i love how its universal for readers of evermore to trash talk ayato (/j) — im glad you enjoy the slice of life parts of this series; ngl i think youre the first person to mention about that unless my memory’s cranking 🧍♀️🧍♀️🧍♀️ im also flattered and happy that you think my writing is somewhat like a handwritten letter — esp since my blog theme is letters :DDD
you’re very right ab how there is no such thing as y/n and smooth relationships, they fr need a break ✋😭😭😭 youre also right about them finding happiness alone !! that’s exactly why i decided to make diluc taken (+ wouldnt it be weird to instantly have them together after a 1 week trip???) — as for your mixed signals about diluc,,, who knows,,, maybe there’s a reason for everything 🤫🤫🤫
dw comrade, ill still continue writing and keeping all of my ideas for evermore :>> your kind words def made me more motivated to write and it made me so happy to see your supportive words and your support 💖💖💖 ill continue to try my best with evermore and future fics, ty again comrade <333
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literally no one cares but i'm putting these aus up here in case i forget them <3 + low-quality jane/penny bodyswap doodle so:
penny is so desperate to save her now-friends she accidentally changes the course of fate: the one i'm working on rn! she tries to save them from their death but they go on the rollercoaster anyway but she isn't on the ride and calls an ambulance and accidentally on purpose saves them ! they weren't supposed to be brought back but penny was like "NO! I NEED TO SAVE THEM! I CARE AB THEM!" she uses savannah bc penny and jane are two different people to her and she wants to be her own person :) the others deal with injury and hospital stuff but i've never really been in a hospital for smth serious and idk much ab injuries so my knowledge is limited to google and stuff lol !
everyone lives w/ no injuries only their memories: the one i might do next? jane refuses to leave without her new besties bc they are the only people she knows :( they all hold hands while they go to watch jane go and she drags them through the curtain while karnak shorts out so she doesn't get to find out who she is and they have to deal with a jane in a new body and try to find out who she is heheh (I HAD TO FIND THE POST THAT KINDA INSPIRED ME IT'S FROM PENNYDOE ON TUMBLR HERE from them having to teach her to be human? ig? also a little bit like "Now we know what YOLO really means" by NeverEndingCarnival on ao3 but rly i think it's just bc no one gets injured and i'm planning on it being a really long fic) anyways that happens and yeah
ghost au!: inspired by the ghost au of witcherstorm bc that's the very first ghost au i saw that was like "I FREAKING LOVE GHOST AUS HOW COME I DIDN'T THINK OF THIS WHEN I GOT INTO RTC WTF" anyways they're all dead stuck in limbo and a few days later they all like get whooshed into the real world and they're all like "um where are we wtf happened aren't we supposed to be dead" and they like look around after re-orienting themselves and see penny and she's like "HELL YEAH IT WORKED" cause she tried a ghost summoning ritual to bring them back and then shenanigans ensue like them freaking out ppl at the school esp rude ones and protecting penny and meeting ezra who can't see them but knows they're there and penny keeps accidentally talking to them and yeah!
penny "what-did-i-get-myself-into" lamb and the amnesiac choir: so i lied there were 4 aus but i forgot the fourth one so i didn't write it in the og post but i just remembered it so basically penny gets brought back along with everyone else before the accident and everyone thinks she's insane bc she wonders out loud ab the warehouse and they're all like "girl wtf" and she's freaking out like "wait they don't remember it shit shit shit" and she has to try to get them to bond like they did in the warehouse (goddamn she has her work cut out for her) and she's kinda bad at it bc she accidentally sometimes spills stuff from the warehouse but she's actually p good at it bc it's only ever small stuff that they happened to have mentioned before so they all think she just really listens to them but she keeps dropping hints and basically as soon as someone learns the lesson they learned while in the warehouse they regain their memories of that time but they have to be subtle around everyone else bc the rest would just think they're crazy so it's a whole ordeal lol
i want to do smth for all of them but i have to work on one at a time or i'll get overwhelmed but that's basically it for the ideas bouncing around my head
low-quality doodle as promised:
my brain is rotting sm i literally have like three rtc aus floating around in my head at this point in time and i'm already working on something for one of them and the other two are just like marinating and i'm so ADSKLFJAKLJKL
anyways this isn't part of any of the 3 aforementioned aus but imagine if jane came back but instead of coming back as penny lamb with two braids and a doll that looks suspiciously like jane doe she came back as penny lamb in jane doe's body that looked suspiciously like the old penny lamb
#rtc#ride the cyclone#jane doe#penny lamb#savannah lamb??#savannah doe????#the other choir kids#ideas#hcs? but not really hcs#aus#tl;dr i have too many ideas and had to write them somewhere#if you read this i'll love you forever#not all of these are related to legoland but some are#some ideas are bound to change like i see lots of pen being a reincarnation instead of prev jane so i might change one to that but prob not#cause that would mean making an “oc”#and i am NOT good at that#i think 1 would be penny lamb before but not legoland#2 is obv jane after so no penny#3 might have some legoland stuff#but idk i would need to reread legoland a few times#i'm def overthinking this#4 might need an oc or i'll use non-legoland penny lamb#ramblings :)
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OML OKAY i like john green too <3 i love looking for alaska. i recently read turtles all the way down and oof it hit really hard. next on my tbr is papertowns and then i’ll be done with all of his books (hi i’m obsessed with his writing style hkjg) and ooh i haven’t read any from j.d. salinger. the catcher in the rye is the only book of his i’ve heard of </3 i’ll check him out soon. YUSSSUH i love dystopian books too. dkfjg this just made me realise that they made up almost 60% of my life as a bookworm. the maze runner is my favourite out of all i’ve read !! the adrenaline rush it gave was unparalleled. i’ve also read hunger games, divergent, ready player one and a few more from the dystopian genre but i don’t remember them rn. also unless my physics books count for smth, no i’m not reading anything 😭😭 i was reading war storm by victoria aveyard (the red queen series.) and it’s going good but i’m taking a break bc exams </3
AHHH you play the guitar :0 ? THAT’S SO COOL and no idk how to play any instruments. i have literally no knowledge about instruments so sheet music is just, so weird for me even after a friend tried explaining it gdfgdf i learn classical music tho so i can sing to some extent
OMG YESSS OVERDOSE IS JUST SO HGFKGF it just activates this part in my brain and makes me go grrr. YESS the playlist was literally me putting in my fave of fave songs so i’m glad you like it and kdjfhd i love going crazy too it was in my spotify wrapped’s top 10 last year. OKAYYY since exo is kind of sort of completely dormant rn there’s literally just crumbs and older content left for the fans </3. you can check out this channel and this video. warning: exo-l territory = crackzone NOT EVEN KIDDING this place is wild lmao. expect what you will from neocity’s sunbaenims <3 also lmk your bias so that we can collectively lose it all together <3
gosh i listened to all of fandom’s songs but i felt younger when we met still stays the fave (i said i loved you to death so i must be dead 🙇🏾♀️) easy to hate might be a second kjfgd it’s so. good. i’ve been playing it on loop too dfjhdjh
oml pls i really needed to see that 🤧 tysm bar !! i really can’t wait to get into uni ngl i am excited for that. but it’s also slightly weird bc the last year of high school sentiments have finally started hitting and they’re hitting hard </3 it’s funny how we spend sm time with friends we’ve known like, forever, and don’t really treat every moment as smth special till it all comes to an end. ahh i was really planning on making the most of my hs years but pandemic decided to be a pain in the ass. nvm tho. 17 is weird and it feels like time’s running fast i do plan on making sm good memories 💪🏾
NOW BACK TO TALKING AB SM VIP THINGS
THIS AGENDA IS GOING SO STRONG hfjgkdafgdja also oml i did notice that yn doesn't smoke around yangyang after that scene but thought that it was just me being delusional hhh i think ab that fic sm and yangyang just amplified that brainrot by doing this
HEAD EMPTY NO THOUGHTS JUST HE KDJFHGDKF HGD laptop's dying from all the ss i took lol
also the dreamies concert 👀 .. hyuck... renj-?? ... cue my brain giving up
p.s. hihii this took me so long 😭 it’s exam season for like the next 2 weeks so the pressure is finally catching up w me also your words really meant a lot to me tysm for them <3 have a segci day/night and stay safe ily
I MISSED YOU !!!!!!!! im glad youre back 🥺🥺 looking for alaska and turtles all the way down are my most fav from john green!! paper towns was really beautiful and its my friends favorite,, however id say that amongst john green books, id put it somewhere in the bottom tbh. hope you enjoy it tho!! i had to read the catcher in the rye for my exams last year but i surprisingly enjoyed it so much its one of my most fav books now! also the fact that i read and loved all the dystopian books you mentioned 😩😩 taste.
i do play the guitar! not very well tho, i only know the basic chords hhhh so the yy fic was kind of self indulgent in a way LMAO but you can sing?? 😯😯 thats impressive. could never be me i absolutely suck AJJAJA
i will never skip overdose or monster when they come on shuffle theyre just THAT good. i listen to exo a lot recently bc of you😭😭 i watched the videos and WHY ARE THEY SO CHAOTIC i am in love w them SJJS feel free to send more content my way!!! i think my biases are baekhyun (expected) and chanyeol (also expected) 👀👀 literally tell me everything abt them im ready to listen. baek is very funny and chaotic and theres just something abt chanyeol that pulls me to him. i also like sehun tho! idk what this tells abt me feel free to psychoanalyze AHAHHA also kyungsoo is so funny i completely get why you ult him
17 went by so fast for me as well bro and the last year of hs even faster... to think that i didnt have prom bc of corona but i had exams that were cancelled 2 years in a row the previous years 💀 i hope you make the best out of your last year!! i start uni in a week and im shitting my pants its so scARY I DONT KNOW THE CITY OR THE PPL AND THIS GUY I MET ON A PARTY THAT I LOWKEY AVOIDED LIVES THERE AND HE KEEPS REACHING OUT TO ME THROUGH MY FRIEND AND HE ASKED IF I WANNA COME OVER AND NOW IM PANICKING EVEN MORE 😭😭😭😭
yangyang and me are soulmates. its confirmed. also youre not delusional at all it was intended!!! sjsj im honored to hear that you think abt my fic a lot but also YANGYANG UGH that sc !!! instant brainrot. i dont actually think he can play that guitar but its okay 😩😩😩😩
IVE BEEN FREAKING OUT OVER THE DREAM CONCERT EVER SINCE I SAW THE CLIPS. RENJUN GOING WILD IN THAT GLASS BOX AND DONT EVEN MENTION HYUCK BC WHEN HE KISSED THAT GLASS BOX FROM THE INSIDE, I LOST MY MIND. BUT ALSO THEY ARE SUCH GOOD PERFORMERS THEY DID SO WELL AND I LOVE THEM TO DEATH OMG :(((((( LITERALLY CRIED AT RENJUNS MENT! FUN TIMES! :D ALSO DEAR DREAM LIVE. CRIED LITERAL WATERFALLS OF TEARS THAT SONG HURTS SM TO LISTEN TO BUT IS ALSO MY BIGGEST COMFORT OHGOD
have a good day stay safe!! good luck with your exams i love u xx
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Intrigued by your oikawa angst fic post,,,, and reccs? 👀
YEAH I GOT U i think i’ve been reading hq fic for a year now? i actually had a different sideblog for rbing fic i liked and i lost all of it when i accidentally dmed someone from that sideblog and panic deleted tumblr and had to remake LMAO so what i’m saying is a lot of these works are more recent and you might alr know them ;-; sorry ab that!
99% of these are pretty light i think :( sorry if you’re not as much of an emotional wimp as i am pls don’t be angry
@ authors if you want me to remove the tag please let me know!!
angst to fluff
it’s always been you by @katsushimaa : i love this one i think i consider it a classic. that’s all
the fated volleyball by @justauthoring : i never read poly fics rip (this one has iwaizumi) but this one was soooooo fcking good i love soulmate aus
pink skies by @ttokeyama : hogwarts au!! love it. not often there’s a fic where the reader wants to keep the relationship secret
west side by @powderblew : sparked my obsession with one side thinks they’re dating/one side thinks they’re fwb. incredible
when they think you left them by @luvbub : i love this series so much lmao
i don’t like when you ignore me by @teesumu : everything tee writes packs such an emotional punch waaah
betting on you by @trashykawahq : nothing to say but ahhhh the good shit
好きかもね by @rosemi : i read through all their works recently and wowwww talent <3
homesick by @wackatoshi : go read winter’s other stuff too you won’t regret it
no happy ending
still into you by @seroh : short but painful
sandglass by @fluoresence : i couldn’t not put smth by yue (absolutely one of my all time fave fic writers TBH) on here but if i’m being honest i reread the oikawa likes catgirls fic more often
everlasting by @lovingtobio : i’ve been following since she had like three fics and the growth is insane. this one still hit me hard though WOW
bittersweet (not technically angst? not sure)
five times oikawa didn’t look back, and one time he did by @ahtsumu : idek this one makes me so insane idek why. [screaming]
series
i mildly like you more than like by @krappykawa : i prefer oneshots but this was good. there’s angst there. did i mention it’s SO good? happy ending :)
nights hurt the most by @akimind : guys i think i have a problem i’ve reread this like three times in the last three days
wanting by @chicoree : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
da capo by @ krystallisert on ao3: a true classic. ow ow ow
#lp#these were just the ones i could remember off the top of my head i hope you find at least a few to your taste!!#i think its funny how many of these involve iwaizumi as an alt love interest. my man <3#god i hope all the links work right#ficrec: oikawa
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hello pandora!! 🎶⏱💕 for the ask game :DD ~ann :>
HI ANNNN <333
🎶 What music do you listen to when you write?
i have an eclectic music taste so it entirely depends!! recently i’ve been listening to more indie/pop music bc i read love & olives by jennifer evans welch, and that made me get indie pies for some of my wips, but usually it’s more rock/slight indie/or even sometimes classical music depending on the fic plot or vibe!! one song i listened to recently that inspired my new theme was dancing in the street by stephen day, which also inspired me figuring out the plot to the semi eita wip i have! >:) so it’s usually a mix of a lot of stuff lol!!
⏱ What’s the fic you spent the most time on? (Was it worth it lol)
OH OH OKAY SO . dabi’s fic took me ab two weeks, while suga’s took me a month of planning before i even spoke to anyone ab it bc having it based off of my own experiences made it so much harder to plan/write, but i think the other one that rivals that time is possible ukai’s timestamp — it was like i couldn’t get the words out, as the “we could quit” scene was entirely for smth else that i still haven’t put out and might not ever lol
💕 What is the WIP that you are most excited about?
literally any of my current listed wips, they’re all i can think about —but semi’s and dabi’s are centered around winter and the holidays, and semi’s ends on the cusp of winter/first snow fall, so i’ve been really diving into these headfirst and into the plot bc they’re both collab fics and?? i’m writing for a new trope AND character i haven’t before which is neighbors to lovers and overall i’m just really excited for those two bc i’ve been adding bits here and there and i’ve got a million notes on my docs and drafts for them!! the summaries or on the wip page if you wanna check ‘em out!! if u do, don’t be afraid to share any thoughts!! <3
fanfic asks!
#i mistook the timer for the clock emoji at first lol#THIS WAS FUN#👒: my lovely ann#🧦: pandora’s lounge#📮: pandora’s got mail
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for your thing ab sending more crankiplier prompts to write instead of big fic (which is so fuhcking relatable)
vampire!Ethan
one of them is a minor villain (like petty theft or smth) and gets hurt. other takes them in and cares for them and they're like?? i literally steal things why do u trust me
maybe?? I have more general but I don't want this to b really really lonk
listen i may have written a whole ass novel here so.... take some vampire eth (also im totally going to write something for that second prompt at some point thats such a cute idea)
“You sure about this?”
Mark nodded shakily, swallowing the lump that had appeared in his throat. Ethan looked up at the older man cautiously as he rolled Mark’s sleeve up to his elbow.
“Listen, it really is okay if you don’t want to do this,” Ethan said, holding Mark’s forearm carefully, as if Ethan would break his arm if he gripped it tighter. Which, admittedly, he might be able to do that. Mark didn’t know, and frankly, he didn’t want to find out.
“No, no, it- It’s fine, I’m not worried,” Mark lied. He was definitely worried, crazy worried, but this was Ethan. He wouldn’t hurt him on purpose, even if he was technically going to hurt him. It was just a little blood, he had plenty to spare. “I want this.”
“You look like you’re going to vomit,” Ethan noted, moving his hands down to hold Mark’s calloused hand. “I can find something else, if-”
“Ethan, I want this. You literally need this, and if I can’t give it to you, what sort of boyfriend am I?” Mark laughed nervously, trying to make light of the weird situation they were in together. This was weird. But he loved Ethan. So what’s a little blood?
"Yeah, yeah, but I don’t want you to feel obligated,” Ethan mumbled, looking down. Was Ethan really feeling guilty about this right now? Mark didn’t really know why, like he said, he needed it to live.
So instead of saying anything more, he just moved Ethan’s hands back to his arm and nodded enthusiastically as a confirmation. Ethan nodded back and looked down at Mark’s arm. He hesitated a moment, but lifted it up to his face, eyeing it hungrily.
If Mark was honest with himself, it was always strange to see Ethan like this. He’d always just been this dorky dude who looked like he couldn’t hurt a fly, but when he was hungry, he was hungry. It was like he was in a whole other mindset - which, now that Mark thought about it, he probably was.
But he still managed to be sweet and understanding and undeniably Ethan. That’s what Mark had to remember, that he was still Ethan. He’d always be Ethan, and that was what mattered. Mark was suddenly jolted out of his thoughts as Ethan planted soft and sweet kisses along his forearm. He rolled his eyes affectionately, a small blush dusting his cheeks. He wasn’t exactly expecting it to get sensual, but hey, this was Ethan after all. The sap.
Ethan flicked his eyes up at Mark again in the middle of a kiss, like he was asking permission for what he was about to do next. Mark looked knowingly into his eyes, hoping he got the gist.
Ethan did.
It felt... weird. Painful? Maybe painful wasn’t exactly the right word. The initial contact and breaking of skin stung, but it didn’t last. What was more prevalent was the pressure and the feeling of blood flowing out of his arm. It wasn’t necessarily anything new - he’d had IVs inserted into his arm before, but it was certainly different. The idea that there was a mouth on the other end didn’t help, especially the fact that it was Ethan’s mouth. But it felt strangely nice, like a hickey but not.
Oh my God. Ethan was literally sucking his blood. And Mark was sort of enjoying it. Did this make him a masochist? He wasn’t a masochist. Was he? His heart started to pump faster, his brain started to get fuzzy and he couldn’t make out his own thoughts. He was hoping this was because of blood loss. Blood loss sounded like a good excuse.
He suddenly shook his head vehemently, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding after Ethan detached from Mark’s arm.
“Sorry,” Ethan murmured, wiping his face off with his sleeve. “I got a little overzealous. Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Mark managed to breathe out after a few seconds. He looked down at his arm and saw two apparent holes in it. They weren’t actually that deep, and thank God there wasn’t any blood gushing out of them anymore, but it was still a weird sight to see. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Okay, let’s- let’s get you patched up,” Ethan said, taking Mark’s hand.
Everything still felt a bit blurry as Ethan dragged him to their bathroom. His head felt like it was buzzing, but he simply sat on their toilet, waiting patiently as Ethan dug through their cupboards, looking for bandages. He didn’t know if the pit forming in his stomach was from anxiety, blood loss, or something else, but it definitely wasn’t pleasant. “Alright," Ethan chirped, straightening himself out and turning to face Mark, bandages in hand. “Hold your arm out, babe.”
Mark did as he said, albeit slightly delayed - his brain was still foggy. “You seem surprisingly chipper.”
“I was hungry,” Ethan explained as he started to wrap Mark’s wound. “It’s like the Snickers commercials say - ‘You’re-’”
“‘-not you when you’re hungry’, I know,” Mark cut the younger man off, a small smile appearing on his face. “God, you’re such a dork. Aren’t vampires supposed to be sexy or something?”
“Heeeey!” Ethan whined, pausing the wrapping as he looked at Mark with one of his ‘pity me’ faces. “You’re saying I’m not sexy? Wow, I’m hurt, Mark!”
“Okay, you’re a little sexy,” Mark rolled his eyes, the smile on his face only getting bigger. “But not, like, Edward Cullen levels of sexy.”
“Edward Cullen is not sexy,” Ethan giggled, continuing with the wrapping of Mark’s arm. “He’s not even an accurate representation of vampires!”
“It doesn’t matter if he’s not accurate! Accuracy and sexiness don’t relate to each other at all, Eth,” Mark added. “You’re just jealous.”
"Jealous?” Ethan scoffed, tightening the bandage (which in turn makes Mark wince) and tearing it off the roll, making sure the stray end of the bandage is tucked in neatly underneath the rest of it. “He’s a creep. I’m not jealous of shit.”
“Mm, you make a good point,” Mark hummed, looking down at his arm. The bandage was slightly pink in some spots, but overall it wasn’t looking too bad. “Maybe you are sexier than Edward Cullen...”
“You bet your ass I am,” Ethan grinned. “Anyway, enough about Twilight. How are you feeling? Was everything okay?”
“Fine, actually. A little lightheaded, but okay,” Mark replied, fidgeting with the new bandages on his arm. “And yes, everything was fine. It felt kind of strange, but you know I’d do anything for love, baby.”
He tacked on a cheesy wink which gets an eye-roll from the younger man.
“Was the kissing too much? I hadn’t exactly done this on another consenting human who was also my boyfriend, so...” Ethan mumbled, running his hand through his hair.
“Nah, I thought it was cute,” Mark smiled. “Made it feel a little less like you were eating me and more like you were making out with my arm.”
“Is that really any better though?” Ethan giggled, looking up at Mark with a grin on his face.
“Yes, it is. Trust me,” Mark reassured Ethan and gave him a grin back. “On another note, though - is this going to become a regular thing?”
“Not if you don’t want it to be,” Ethan said. “It’d definitely be helpful, but I can make do if you were too uncomfortable with tonight.”
“No, I mean- I think I’d be fine with it,” Mark stuttered, taking a quick glance at Ethan. His facial expression was soft and understanding, and Mark wanted to hug him right then and there. “I wasn’t uncomfortable, it was just... different. Not- not like, a bad different or anything.”
“Oh,” Ethan said simply. There was a hint of surprise to his voice, like he wasn’t expecting Mark to be so willing. “Did you like it or something?”
To his tragic demise, Mark’s whole face immediately flushed as soon as Ethan said that. Stupid blood. “I’m not going to deny it, but-”
“Christ, you absolute masochist,” Ethan laughed. Mark looked at him quickly and noticed that his cheeks were pink too. Was he embarrassed or weirded out or..?
“Shut up, I just like to see what my body can take, okay?” Mark insisted, covering his face with his hands. Even if Ethan wasn’t embarrassed, he sure was.
“Listen, bub, I’m not gonna judge you,” Ethan said, putting a reassuring hand on Mark’s shoulder. “I mean, it’s a win-win scenario, right? I get food, you get... some amount of enjoyment from it?”
“Please shut up,” Mark groaned.
Ethan just giggled, gave him a quick kiss on the top of his head and went over to the door of the bathroom. “Love you, Mark.”
Mark just groaned again in reply.
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personally, i don’t see anything wrong with writing smut. i shouldn’t exactly have an opinion because i don’t write smut, but the authors of these scenarios don’t even write these scenarios to be in a serious light :// that’s why it says “au” half the time. and speaking of which, alternate universe means different circumstances and surroundings—and in that case the scenarios aren’t even realistic?? i completely understand feeling uncomfortable with seeing your idol in a fic that’s sexual, that’s valid and it shouldn’t be hated on, but these authors don’t mean any harm :/ they’re simply writing smth on a platform to spread their enthusiasm for their passions. and on the topic of minors viewing their posts, that’s not smth that writers can control. and i’m sure that if tumblr had an age restriction that could be added to each blog, every user who writes smut would take the opportunity to add it. plus who are u to speak up in the place of an idol?? lmao. i hate seeing these wars but like authors aren’t trying to fabricate scenarios in a serious light, they’re doing it for fun & it’s not hurting anyone. i hATE IT HERE WHDJDJD
The whole minors reading this is just pathetic, because you know whats more graphic than smut? Porn. And I don't think they email porn websites being mad because "minors might see it"..... They're minors, they're not dumb.
Also these people treat us like we do this with a bad intention, with an intention of harm.
They constantly talk about us sexualizing them but they don't talk about how THEY sexualize idols when they make gifs of them hip-thrusting, or showing their abs, or dancing in a sexy way.
But sure, we're the monsters because we do something they don't like. They were called out and now they're acting like I called their mom a bitch and slapped their dad across the face...
Also yeah you make a great point when you say they're speaking fro the idol... Its like they're keyboard warriors no one asked for, just stick to your lane man
I hate it here too, I just wanna deactivate but I'm not gonna, while there's people here actively hating me ill stay just to piss them off
Thank you for the support!! And for actually bringing up good points
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1/2: Hello! I LOVED your Just My Luck series, it’s stuck in my head for ages even after finishing it (have definitely laid awake at night thinking about it). I’ve got some experience with fanfic writing, but I’ve never really delved into RPF before. I want to start writing for the Queen fandom and was just wondering if you have any advice on that, maybe specifically to do with historical accuracy (as historically accurate as fanfic can be, at least), characterisation, planning out a plot, etc?
okay first of all, thank you so much I’m glad you like just my luck and also I’m very flattered that you would come to me for advice 💙
now, onto any advice I have, which is going to be long so get a snack:
historical accuracy: I think that jml has got to be my most historically accurate fic and I’ll point out that it’s almost my first. New writers can tend to be more concerned with this which is fine, but those of us who have been around for awhile kinda don’t give two fucks bc you’re already adding an entirely new person, which itself is inaccurate. That being said, it can be cool get the dates right if you wanna write about going on tour and the stops they had and for that Wikipedia is amazing it has basically all their tours laid out easily. Also say it’s a roger x reader fic and you are going to be talking ab John, Fred, and bri, you can absolutely use their actual partners (Veronica, Jim, chrissie, etc.) but if you don’t want to deal with that feel free to make up names and whole new characters. When it comes to uni and stuff, I definitely feel free to mess around with ages, like making them all the same year, but I think most of us wouldn’t make John the oldest and Fred the youngest. Also most of us keep their majors the same bc they are pretty important to them. Lots of people write refernces to the movie which is always fun to read but note that the movie itself isn’t terribly accurate. Basically the thing with historical accuracy is to be as historically accurate as you want to, if it’s super fun for you to research and get things right, go for it, it’s cool to learn things as you read, but if you don’t want to, don’t fee obligated and that’s exactly what au’s are for!
characterization: there are definitely some widely accepted characterizations of the boys. Fred is fun, creative, flighty, fashionable, kind, loving, a little superficial, gossipy, material, the life of the party, shy, and motherly. Brian is studious, intelligent, kind, caring, proud, arrogant, a know it all, soft spoken, thoughtful, horny, moody, and sardonic. Rog is clever, cheeky, self centered, materialistic, immature, so funny, sweet, also gossipy, caring, charitable, a bit of a slut, and also a baby. John is sassy, technical, smart, funny, tender hearted, The baby, shy, stubborn, blunt, family oriented, in love, money man, and at times selfish. But some of my fav fics are ones that make me see them in new lights (in the wings by @/just-my-sickly-pride I’m looking at you). Interviews are great resources but follow your gut! Also drawing inspiration from other fics is totally valid and if someone told me that one of my fics inspired what they did with a certain character I’d be more than flattered.
planning out a plot: this one really varies person to person. Some people like doing outlines and planning the whole fic out and others just start with some ideas and see where that goes. I’m somewhere in the middle, blurbs are never outlined (even tho they’re consistently over 1k) and most one shots aren’t but series might be to keep things straight. That being said, I did not outline at all with just my luck. Smth that I’ll do is write out any ideas or scenes that are in my head. In high infidelity, I wrote the ending practically to a t before I started it, but the ending was the most important part of that story to me. I also knew the ending words of just my luck as soon as the idea popped into my head. But sometimes I’ll write down a scene that’ll end up being like two scenes ahead or a particular line of dialogue so I don’t forget it. Experiment and find what you like!
Finally, imposter syndrome is lying to you!! jml is the first thing I ever published and I just went for it! (The only other fic was when I handwrote like two pages of a Loki [😬] fic when I was like 15/16.) I had the idea and I really wanted to so I did. This fandom is so supportive and we always love to see new creators in the space as I’m sure you know. definitely tag me in anything you do post (if you want lol) also dw I obviously loved answering these questions, this was almost like three times as long. Feel free to come back to my asks with any more questions or dm me if it’s something more specific/you just wanna talk 💖💖
#like if you ever do wanna check historical accuracy#somethings are hard to find officially online but its known among the fandom#relationships especially#ps some of the historical inaccuracies in the movie are widely disliked in the fandom so i wouldnt base a whole fic on it#i did actually really like answering this#also ik you didnt mention borhap but no one is historically accurate with them lol except for maybe movies theyve been in#i also used to think rpf (which i had to look up reading this ask lol) was cringe before queen/borhap#what a changed woman i am#time to stop rambling#lovely asks#anon#lauren
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Since we're in topic, do you have some advices for writers? Where do you begin when you write original stories and characters? The plot, the concept, the description of characters?
spewell considering that you’re talking to ‘oh hey I have the original idea that might work but I’ve been figuring it out for a whole year and a half’ take them with the necessary skepticism but since I did come up with some decent ocs in fic apparently my advice is probably not entirely shitty lol so with the premise that writing is Not A Science and other than reading a lot no advice is 100% foulproof especially if it doesn’t work for you...
I’d start with the concept, ie: what do you want your story to be about or what message do you want it to be about or what do you want to do with it. do you want to scare people? do you want to make people happy with quality entertainment but without writing a Serious Novel? do you want to write a sad thing to make a point? like, you need to know where you’re going with it in general;
when you have your concept, whichever it is - for one, without going in-depth let’s just say that my original novel concept that I’ve been trying to figure out for good is ‘blade runner meets high fidelity’ (don’t worry IT MAKES SENSE) -, you need to work at once both on main setting and protagonist. I mean, idk let’s just discuss a thing I wanted to write last year when I was thinking of sending original writing to this scifi anthology and then never managed because time and drama and real life happened and I couldn’t commit to it;
so, the theme of that anthology was ‘alternate peace’ ie write a short story where a situation that in history ended up in a fight/war/bloodbath is solved peacefully and write the alternate universe coming from it. so: I had to come up with the idea first because otherwise I wouldn’t have known where to start, then the worldbuilding, then the characters - ngl I think that if you have the worldbuild the characters come a lot easier but that’s me. so: I was like ‘what if I wrote something where the ludlow massacre never happens?’ (the ludlow massacre was tldr a strike in colorado which ended up with the strikers being mass killed by the national guard and in turned caused enough scandal to get unions/unionized labor a lot of traction in the US at least until maccarthysm.) then I didn’t, but in order I went like:a) if what happened is that it had repercussions on the history of unionized work in the US, if I did it so that the workers accepted a plea or smth and the rockfellers won without no one dying, those repercussions would Not Have Happened, nor it’d have created all the left-leaning literature/politics/thinking that came out of it, john reed wouldn’t have written about it etc, so I had elaborated an entire situation post-wwii where unions had all died long before, people were pretty much without any single social lifesaver and could get fired at will and it was basically dystopian hell with mccarthy being president or smth;b) at that point I was like, who do I put in this, and at that point I didn’t manage to go much forward but I had a feeling I should have some young person who was born after the not-massacre who had no idea of what went on talking to an older one that had actually been there and wished they hadn’t taken the deal;c) young dude would have been more or less cynical/not really much of a politics person, old dude would have been old school leftist who still wishes there could have been a better world and wishes the new generation would put two and two together and talk to their elders;d) young dude wouldn’t have known how to read/write because he wouldn’t have needed it for factory work, old dude would have etc;at that point I could have probably gone and gave them families (or not), or a friend (or not), and my general idea was having them discuss politics for the main part of the story, then old guy dies or smth like that and young guy actually gets the message and idk I basically wanted you to read it and feel like I felt when I listened to the ghost of tom joad, that was the general idea;that said, the characters were the last part i came up with because I needed the worldbuilding to know what character I wanted in it, which is why I’d say worldbuld first if you’re writing that kinda thing ie scifi, alternate history etc;
now, obv. if you’re writing the coffee shop au just in novel format or if you’re writing something lighter where the setting doesn’t matter, you need good characters first. I mean, if you write the coffee shop setting just to have a good love story you might want people to pick yours and not the umpteenth version of it with the same dynamic (same with the YAs with the sixteen year-old girl who thinks she’s ugly falling for the hot dude with abs and a bad attitude), so in that case I’d go for the characters. for one, if I had to write a YA, I’d make it with a girl who is actually ugly and has hobbies other than just reading and maybe plays in the school band or has some peculiar post-school job or idk can repair cars but is not good at everything she does and the guy would be moderately hot though not THE SPIT COPY OF DAMON SALVATORE JUST WITH GREEN EYES, he wouldn’t have a license and he wouldn’t think that it’s sexy to tell your girlfriend that you own her, and while I’m nowhere near interested in writing YAs, that would differentiate it from 99,9% of the YAs around from what I see, and so at that point I’d make sure I got the main two down and then I’d work on the friends and family and make them less stereotypical as possible so my YA is different from everyone else’s YA, and if any of them is a supernatural creature they suck at it and hate having supernatural magic and the likes. I mean, you want your characters to have a personality, but if you have a good worldbuilding behind them it might come after, if you don’t gaf about the worldbuilding and just want the standard setting work on the characters and try to give them depth before you plan anything else;
figure out where do you want your story to go before writing it - ie: the only reason I haven’t written the original yet is that idk what kind of spin I want the ending to have and I’m not 100% convinced so I’m not doing it yet, but if you don’t have the backbone of it planned then you’re going to lose steam or the plot will fuck you over (in my experience). like, try to have at least clear what happens in the main arc so that you know how to get from beginning to ending without needing to figure shit out as you go along, then you start, and if you change your mind while you do go with it, but try to start it knowing where you’re headed because it makes it easier imvho;
if you go for complicated shit like time travel figure that shit out before you start writing it including every possible repercussion because you’ll hate yourself if you don’t;
don’t try to re-do what others did obviously. I mean, if I wanted to write rep for non standard attractive cishet women I would not try to re-write brienne of tarth just changing the hair color. I would try to take the same tropes he’s using, change the setting and go with it, but it shows if you read a book and your character is the exact same as your favorite writer’s. like, if you read ian tregillis’s milkweed tryptich it’s going to be obvious that one of the main characters is the same tropes as jaime but that guy has enough personality differences and an enough different background and circumstances of upbringing that while you can see it has the same basics (generally nice guy forced to do horrid things who wants to redeem himself, live without his overbearing sister who wants to control him and has a generally straight moral compass), you don’t think ‘oh ian tregillis who is grrm’s friend has copied from him and put jaime lannister in a wwii alternate history trilogy’. like, we all have our tropes and our favorite writers and it’s good to take inspiration and homage them, but try to give your spin on those tropes you’re using, because otherwise it’ll just look lazy;
do whatever the fuck you want with your plot. don’t think about what others would want to read - it’s your story and you should tell it the way you want to. then please listen to criticism and find people who’ll provide it for you without tearing down your work but telling you what works and what doesn’t, but like... if you want to touch some themes or write characters from a different background or whatever do it;
also, do your research. I mean, I could have written the ludlow massacre story because:a) I read all of john reed’s articles pertaining to that specific happening and those articles include interviews with the people who were there, a description of who they were, an extremely detailed reconstruction of the facts and so on;b) there’s folk songs, two novels and one opera on ludlow not including history books, so it’s not only easily readable upon, but you also can see the impact it had in media/the american culture.so, even if I’m not american, having read all of that, I could have probably gone for it and done a decent job, find someone with a history degree to veto it and go for it. but like, again, unless you’re writing the coffee shop au or the ya or the kind of novel that does not require an established setting or you are making the entire worldbuilding up from scratch with no influences from the real world, you can’t not do at least some basic research. and when reading something, it does show if the author has at least done basic research or if they’re winging it. then they might be good enough that you don’t care they’re winging it, but still, research XD because research also gives you a lot more ideas that you might not have taken previously into account and might save you a plot detail or so;
I also would advice not to write what you know - because that’s easy and it doesn’t let you go out of your comfort zone and at some point what you know will finish -, but: write something you know. as in, my blade runner + high fidelity au should be scifi and touch stuff idk shit about, but since it’s a high fidelity au half of it is supposed to be set in a (pseudo) record shop and the protagonist miiiiiight have a thing or a hundred for springsteen. now: who has spent half of her life in record shops and is into bruce? yes, me. now, the character in question has zero in common with yours truly except for that, but let me tell you that if there is one thing I know how to write that you can’t convince me I couldn’t write is someone into springsteen who hangs around record shops. I know my people and I know why someone would be into springsteen. like, when making up characters and you want to make them relatable or you want to relate to them more, give them one thing you can relate to even if it’s dumb - idk you like strawberries? that character also likes strawberries and so on - because that will get you closer to them and your reader will feel it. it’s a thing I do with fanfic all the time - like if I have to try and write someone IC I try to relate to one thing they have if I can, because that makes the characters more relatable and it’s easier. ie when I was like ‘how do I crack the jaime pov’ the answer was ‘ALL THE BAD SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR YOU DO ALL THE TIME GO DOWN ON IT’ bc that’s what I relate to jaime for and so on. idk that is a thing that’s always helped me when coming up with any character so I guess it might be useful advice? *shrug*
(obv: if you’re writing a 100% bad guy that you don’t empathize with then you don’t have to, I mean grrm did say he had to take a shower after writing chapters from A Certain POV because it’s horrible being in their head so like.... you can feel disgust at what you’re writing esp. if it’s the POV of a terrible person, but That Character resonated with people and felt relatable to some of them because to them they had... RELATABLE moments/humane moments too so if you’re writing bad guys but try to not make them cardboard cuts/TOO HORRIBLE it will make them stronger as *bad guys*. mvho.)
but mostly: read a lot of stuff, try to put your spin on things and don’t gaf about what people think until you finished it. then you can worry about concrit xD
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