#might have to conduct my own reread

[a-library-ghost]

forever thinking about them

[boasamishipper]

I was rereading Judicial Impropriety tonight (seriously so very hyped for Harry's POV!!) and I decided to go through your dan x harry tag and I saw that you mentioned a "they both raise abby" AU in one of the posts about slow burn but not really - is this another one of your WIPs because it sounds amazing! :D

hi nonny! it may please you to know that i've just posted the first chapter of Code of Conduct, aka harry's pov of how he and dan get together in Judicial Impropriety. hope you enjoy! 😄

to answer your question, the 'dan and harry raise abby' idea is an au that my dear friend @bornforastorm and i plotted together over discord one afternoon. will i ever write it? never say never. for now though it lives in my head rent free. here's the gist:

in the early 2000s, harry discovers that he actually Does Not Like living upstate and wants to move back to the city. gina wants to stay in skaneateles. they end up divorcing and harry gets full custody of abby - yay! except real estate in the city is So Expensive. luckily for harry, dan (who was widowed around a year before harry got divorced) has a spare bedroom and is more than willing to indefinitely put up his best friend / unrequited crush and his best friend / unrequited crush's precocious tween daughter.

harry is so busy trying to find a job (and so torn up about his marriage ending) that dan ends up taking abby out a lot. except he has no idea what to do with kids so they end up seeing r-rated horror movies together and throwing rocks at pigeons in the park and scamming people at fancy restaurants and toy stores by telling them that abby has six months to live.

abby may be perky and sweet but (like harry) she has no qualms about roasting dan like a melange of seasonal vegetables

abby: look at my dad's high-waisted roommate, he's got feminine hips! dan: no!! that's the thing i'm sensitive about!!

alternatively: dan: my hips are VERY manly excuse you!! tell her harry harry, so horny he's going to die: they're fine

turns out!! harry might have a thing for dan. a small, tiny, miniscule thing that he's pretty sure started the minute they shook hands in his chambers. this small tiny miniscule thing is not helped by the fact that harry now has to spend 24 hours a day in a two bedroom apartment with his unrequited crush of over a decade.

speaking of the two bedroom apartment thing. so abby takes the spare bedroom. obviously. that makes sense. harry crashes on the foldout sofa for about a week. then he learns one night that dan still has nightmares about the plane crash, so out of the goodness of his heart, he offers to stay with dan in dan's room until he falls asleep. and then they both fall asleep. and then the next night they fall asleep in the same bed. and the next night. and the next night. and every single night for the next year they platonically share a bed.

at the one year mark sleeping together becomes sleeping together. neither of them have gone out with or slept with anyone else in all that time. neither of them admit that they are in love with each other. after all having sex with each other is still totally platonic since they don't kiss.

they go to each other's work events and abby's parent teacher conferences as each other's completely platonic date.

harry: this is my best friend and platonic co-parent slash roommate dan: also bedmate harry: right that too abby: you sound like a yuppie harry: You Take That Back

abby: are you and dan dating harry: what!!!!!!!! no!!!!!!!!!!!!! why would you think that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! abby: you share a bed harry: to save space so you can have your own room!!!!! also because he has nightmares from almost dying and i have nightmares about him dying so it makes sense we sleep together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! abby: wow you need help

abby: i can snort chocolate milk out of my nose, want to see dan: that's disgusting and also impossible abby: no it's not. i bet you could do it. here, drink some dan: [drinks] abby: are you in love with my dad dan: [snorts chocolate milk out of his nose] abby: [covered in milk and snot] i knew it 😈😈😈

the second she figures out they're both in love with each other abby tries to matchmake dan and harry. the subtle approach does not work since they're both idiots, so she stages a hunger strike until dan and harry kiss.

dan: [kisses harry on the cheek] abby: pathetic

this all culminates with abby telling dan that she and harry found a new place to live (they didn't) and dan runs to harry's office at columbia like Do Not Move Out, Live With Me Forever, I Love You (but if you don't feel the same way ignore that last part)

harry, extremely confused: i love you too????????? student taking a makeup exam in harry's office: i'm just gonna head out

harry and dan, who have been having sex for over a year but have yet to actually kiss, spend the next four hours making out on harry's desk

harry: i feel like i'm forgetting something dan: it's probably not important if you can't remember harry: you're right abby: [standing in the pouring rain at soccer practice] 😈 i'm gonna get so much mileage out of this 😈

things about abby stone-fielding:

she is the queen of Wait Til My Fathers Hear About This

she threatens people with I'll See You In Court every time something does not go her way

she takes after her fathers in that she is a very intense dork and a fiscal conservative and flirts like a fiend but is terrible at it

she pulls the 'if you do this for me you'll be my favorite father' trick on harry and dan constantly and they fall for it every time

she also calls dan and harry both 'dad' and expects everyone (including dan and harry) to figure out who she's talking about

she tells everyone she has a secret third dad named reinhold and dan threatens to emancipate her when he finds out harry, sliding her twenty dollars: keep it up

abby's teacher: so abby told the class her goal is to go to law school so she can sue the government and take over the country dan: she gets her ambition from me 🥰 abby's teacher: she then proceeded to put an apple in her mouth and played the flute with her nose harry: [crying] that's my girl

[ameliaandreas3]

My nickname on Ao3 is Penelope_of_Ithaca and I deeply adore your work - seriously, this is one of my constant hyperfixations. I am madly waiting for the release of new chapters and constantly reread the old ones.

And "Will the son of Apollo and one of the Olympians" is too deeply embedded in the crust of my brain and I decided to share it with you.

•Wildflower "Will" Aelia [it should have been a girl, Will being a boy is a mistake that was too late to fix. The perpetrators were severely punished later] designer baby, although this is a great understatement, Will was not born, he was created. The perfect combination of two genetic materials, flawless in everything from hair structure to teeth. It was created from the best that Apollo and Jupiter had.

•Apollo is adored by the capitol, desired. It makes good money. But it is crystal clear that this will not last forever, he already has a son who may become his father's heir. But Michael does not meet the criteria - he does not have those cute features, a sunny atmosphere and the warm charm of Apollo. It's good in its own way, but not sunny enough. And this calls into question whether he will be as desirable as his father.

•Jupiter finds a way out - a new child, but he relies on chance and does not wish luck. Genetic engineering is an ideal option, he has been looking for a second donor for some time, but no one is suitable and then he decides to offer his genetic material. Specialists in this field conducted testing and analysis - the genetic correspondence is good and the risk of developing any pathologies in their joint fetus is extremely low. Of course, no one is interested in Apollo's opinion.

•In a short period of time - five months - geneticists and breeding specialists create the perfect child, [Not a girl as Jupiter originally ordered, a mistake occurred - the wrong set of chromosomes and a boy was born but still perfect]. Excellent health, low predisposition to diseases, absolutely charming appearance with the blond hair of Jupiter's mother, blue eyes of Apollo and their beautiful features so perfectly combined that no one can even determine that he looks like Jupiter. Wildflower Aelia is a perfect and wonderful creation, having only the best of everything.

•The boy, of course, is handed over to Apollo's upbringing - he feels completely bad and terrible when his son is born in this way and from such a person. He is full of such conflicting feelings and his existing depression is getting worse. Naomi Solace his gorgeous girlfriend accepts the little boy as her own, she gives him a nickname that will become his name and gives him her surname - Solace. After due time, he is introduced as the son of Apollo and Naomi. And Apollo, not without bitterness, fell in to love his son. He often thinks that it would be better if Will really was just his and Naomi's son.

•Jupiter really has his moments of affection for Will - holding him in his arms after birth, receiving reports with photos of him and he was his sponsor during his games. He really wanted to meet him after his victory. Juno wanted to become Will's godmother, but Jupiter refused her.

First of all. Your theory sounds so good I might actually add parts of it to what I was planning to do. (When I finish the CF segment the intermission would chronicle the creation of the Seven Family.)

However- reee not so spoiler-y because mythology- Jupiter is Apollo's father, and Pluto's brother. Which would make Nico and Will related and with no "godly dna not counting" rule it WOULD be low key gross.

BUT. The idea itself is amazing and I wish I'd thought of it earlier. I would use your diabolical theory in some way or another though (w credit ofc) promise, stay tuned- I have an idea 😉😉

[hayingsang]

Read in 2024

Michael Oakeshott, On Human Conduct

Edmund Neill, Michael Oakeshott

I read On Human Conduct a few years ago – exactly when, I’m not sure, as it doesn’t seem to turn up on any of my books-read list – but it made an impression, partly for being difficult, and partly for (as I recalled it) being an argument against using social concepts to explain things.

Rereading it, along with two books about Oakeshott – the one above by Edmund Neill and one late last year by Paul Franco – I would stick with both my conclusions, but adjust them a little, and add another one.

The argument against using social concepts wasn’t quite so clearcut on this second reading, but I think it’s still true. Essentially, Oakeshott says people don’t do things because of abstract things like “social forces”, but because of their interactions with other people. His target here seems to be the whole of sociology and much of the rest of the social sciences. The suggestion, for example, that people are shaped by culture, I would imagine he would have seen as derisory: your culture plays out in your encounters with others, either directly or (presumably) mediated through things such as books which you read, etc. He doesn’t say as much, but I think there’s the idea here that you are the author of your actions (which is not to say that your circumstances aren’t important – they clearly are – but you’re the one making sense of them with whatever mental tools you have available to you).

And he is a difficult writer. He writes negatively a lot (“things are not A, and nor are they B, nor C either …”), and certainly on a first reading he doesn’t give the reader much in the way of signposts to follow. Also he tends not to make arguments – having dealt with what things aren’t, he then asserts what they are – and he uses/invents a lot of latinate phrases, most of which are quite clear but with meanings modified to meet his needs. But reading him a second time with a goal (mainly to see if my view of his views on social forces was actually right nor not) was a lot easier than just reading him the first time round to see what he was about.

As to the third, what I found by far most interesting on my second reading was the book’s third and last part, “On the Character of a Modern European State”, and its suggestion that European states existed in tension between being civic associations – bodies based on laws that applied to all but which have no goals in themselves – and enterprise associations – bodies established to realise a goal. The traditional liberal state is a civic association, existing to let its citizens do whatever they want provided they don’t break the laws which govern them all; a socialist state would be an enterprise association in which individual freedoms come far behind the overall goal of advancing productive forces and welfare, with education aimed at socializing people to those goals. There is of course a lot more subtlety in Oakeshott’s argument than this, though perhaps less than you might imagine – though he obviously leans towards the civic association side, he also would have accepted that states also have goals they should strive to meet.

I think this is very much an argument worth making. For Oakeshott, it stems from Europe’s ways of ruling dating back to the middle ages, and how as states emerged they posed the problem of exactly what these entities which changed the way people were governed actually were.

Being a conservative, he saw tradition – habits passed on from person to person – as important and wasn’t interested in notions such as market forces or rights. Yet he was also an advocate of modernity – that in the 20th century versions of states, especially the more liberal ones, people could lead meaningful lives of their own making.

Neill and Franco’s books on Oakeshott I found useful – not so much for the politics side of his thinking, which I think you can unravel yourself without too much trouble, but for the other parts of his life and thinking, which I don’t think I would want to spend much time on.

[victorluvsalice]

Valicer Polyship Week, Day Eight: Free Day – Outsider POV (Valicer In The Dark AU)

It’s Day Eight, the final day of Valicer Polyship Week, courtesy of @polyshipweek, and we’re ending with the second of my Valicer In The Dark AU fics for the week! This particular fic actually started life as an attempt at the “Identity Porn” prompt for Day Six, with me thinking about all the different ways different people and groups in Duskwall might see Victor, Alice, and Smiler’s little crew -- but after rereading what “Identity Porn” actually means (dealing with multiple identities, like if you’re a super hero or spy), I decided it actually made more sense as a take on the “Outsider POV” prompt from Day Three. And as I’d already used “Bed Sharing” for Day Three’s story, I just grabbed the prompt for Day Eight’s “free day!” So yeah, here’s a simple list fic of how everyone in Duskwall sees The Three Pillars crew to end off the week. Enjoy!

---

The Three Pillars of Duskwall, the newest criminal crew to walk the streets of the Empire’s greatest port city, were many things to many people.

To the local Bluecoats, they were an absolute embarrassment – a tiny gang of weirdos that had nevertheless slipped through their fingers far, far too many times for their liking.

To the Imperial Guard, they were essentially just part of the scenery, another trio of criminal scum beneath their notice – at least, after the Spirit Wardens had confirmed that no, the Pillars had not actually killed one of their own.

To the Gray Cloaks of Six Towers, they were eccentric but friendly neighbors – always conducting some sort of strange experiment or ritual in their lair, but largely keeping to themselves unless they had favors to trade.

To the factory foremen and industry leaders of the city, they were terrible thorns in their sides, saboteurs and rabble-rousers with an eye for making their lives all the harder (and occasionally all the shorter).

To the downtrodden works and urchins on the streets, they were beloved heroes, standing firm against those who exploited others and working to help give the common man a better life.

To William and Nell Van Dort, they were abductors and defilers, having stolen away their son and heir and stopped them from reaching the lofty social ranks that would have justified their move to the gleaming streets of Brightstone.

To Victoria White, nee Everglot, they were unexpected saviors – her previous fiance and his new friends having burst in at just the right time to save her from a marriage that would have certainly led to her death, and sent her running into the arms into the arms of her current beloved.

To Nan Sharpe, madam of The Mangled Mermaid in Silkshore, they were just the friends her old charge had needed for years – sure, they’d pulled Alice into a life of crime, but at least they were real people and not just hallucinations of talking cats and rabbits!

To Matthew and Carol Alton, they were delightful new comrades in the fight against unhappiness and woe – perhaps they weren’t official Advocates yet, but they seemed to care deeply about their beloved child, and that was enough for them at the moment.

To the Immortal Emperor of the realm, they were nothing – not even a footnote in the reports he received from his many spies.

And to each other. . .they were the closest of companions, who’d forged their bond through trials aplenty. They were the ones who knew each other best in the world – all their various faults and foibles, all their bad and good – and accepted what they found. They were the ones they trusted above all others, the ones they knew would always have their back through thick and thin. They were Alice, Victor, and Smiler – and they loved each other.

And that was enough.

---

[therecordchanger62279]

STILL CHASIN' THE TRANE

I borrowed Chasin' The Trane by J.C. Thomas from the Lima Public Library when it was published in 1975. I was 18 years old, and just beginning to discover jazz, and since I didn’t have a lot of disposable income, I started making frequent trips to the library to borrow records, and check out books on musicians I was interested in. There weren’t a lot of biographies of jazz musicians on the shelf then (though the Lima Public Library is one of the finest libraries in the state), and maybe that’s why this biography of Coltrane caught my eye. I had borrowed a pair of Coltrane records from the library prior to checking the book out to read, and had purchased his My Favorite Things LP on Atlantic at that point. I’d also heard just a bit of his work with Miles Davis, but I’d heard enough to become intrigued by his sound, and I imagined his bio might make good reading.

This particular biography is a very unconventional one. The author takes a somewhat unique approach in that he didn’t structure the biography as most biographies are structured. For one thing, there are no chapters, though the narrative runs 231 pages. It’s true that he gets the basic biographical information on the page in mostly chronological order, but he refrains from making his own commentary while stringing together stories from the saxophonist’s life taken from interviews he’d conducted with those who knew Coltrane. He inserts various quotes from a wide range of people throughout the book designed to enhance the story he’s just told or the one he’s about to tell. But he, the author, is absent from the narrative until the end of the book. The reader might well draw the conclusion that Thomas was commissioned by the publisher to write the book rather than the book being a project the author initiated. I have no idea which is true, but Thomas presents Coltrane’s story as an outsider, and as a dispassionate observer. As the book progresses, however, he seems to warm to his subject, and one is left with an intriguing sketch of John Coltrane’s short life that invites the reader to fill in the rest of the story by exploring Coltrane’s music.

     Written just eight years after Coltrane died, Thomas did not have access to the voluminous number of recordings Coltrane left behind that had not yet been issued when the book was published. The final entry in the book’s discography, in fact, is one of the first two records I borrowed from the library, Interstellar Space on Impulse issued in 1974, a year before the book’s publication.

     In the 48 years since I first read the book (and 10 years since I reread it), I’ve collected every important Coltrane recording from every period of his life. My regard for John Coltrane as a man and as a musician has grown exponentially with the discovery of each new recording through the years, and my experiences listening to his records are unlike my experiences with any other musicians I’ve ever encountered.

     Musically, I come from a rock and pop background. There was no jazz in my house growing up save for the odd appearance of Louis Armstrong or Ella Fitzgerald on television variety shows. Jazz is a music I found as a teenager, and I taught myself its history by listening to old records, reading liner notes on the backs of those records, and reading books and magazine articles. Miles Davis was the first jazz musician to capture my imagination, but it was John Coltrane who made the bigger emotional impact in the long term.

     Most of the music I listen to is of an external nature. My reaction to it is external. I sing with it, tap my foot, maybe play air guitar with it, and sometimes it’s just background music for something else I might be doing. That’s true whether I’m listening to The Beatles, or the Rolling Stones, or Bob Dylan or Frank Sinatra. I might give it my full attention, but my engagement with it is purely external. That’s not the case, however, when I listen to John Coltrane. With Coltrane, the experience is an internal one. Coltrane’s music is never background music. It demands my undivided attention when it’s playing. It completely engages my intellect while reaching me on a spiritual, and emotional level as well. There’s no other music quite like it.

     For me, John Coltrane is the definition of the word “musician”. A true musician is a vessel through which music passes to reach an audience. The true musician can be nothing else but a musician; a devotee of the art form itself; one who surrenders to the muse because he has no other choice. As Thomas’s book demonstrates, Coltrane may well have been the ultimate musician. His dedication and commitment to his art was the primary force in his life. Everything else was secondary.

     There have been numerous books about John Coltrane published in the years since Chasin’ The Trane was issued. I haven’t read any of them because Thomas’s book was the one that I used as a guidepost in my journey of the discovery of the music of John Coltrane. I didn’t want some writer to shape my opinion of Coltrane or his music. I wanted to make up my own mind because Coltrane’s music is so rich, and so varied, that it requires a great deal of study and commitment in order to fully appreciate what he brought to the world. Thomas’s book invited me to do that.

     Any Coltrane fan you talk to will have a story to tell about his or her favorite Coltrane record, or about his or her first encounter with his music. But experiencing John Coltrane’s music is intensely personal to me, and my relationship to it is unique. Coltrane is almost universally loved and revered by those who’ve listened to him in a serious way. But each listener will experience his music differently. It’s impossible to put into words the impact his music has had on me. I’ve never been able to explain to anyone, for example, why I would rather listen to his more avant-garde later recordings on Impulse than any of his recordings for Prestige cut a decade or so earlier. To my ears, his Atlantic recordings are probably the most accessible for most people, but again and again I turn to records like Live In Seattle or Interstellar Space or The Olatunji Concert – The Last Live Recording. The music he made in the last two years of his life is among the most challenging and difficult for any listener to grasp. In the book, Ravi Shankar describes this music as troubling, and even questioned Coltrane about where it could have come from. It’s clear that John Coltrane was seeking something in his musical explorations, and the book suggests he did not find the answer he was seeking during his lifetime. I think that is reflected in the music he made those last two years, and I think that search for answers is the universal quality that attracts me to that music more than the rest. His journey was unfinished, and since the listener is along for the ride, it’s left to the listener to finish the journey alone. I’m still on that journey 48 years later. Like Coltrane, the questions I seek answers to may escape me in my lifetime. But the journey through this music is its own reward. And any journey of enlightenment we undertake must be taken alone. That’s the nature of the internal journey.

     There is a church in San Francisco that regards John Coltrane as a saint – something Coltrane once told an interviewer he wanted to be one day. I don’t see him as a saint. I see him as a musician who sought answers to the larger questions through music. I think you’re as likely to find those answers there as anywhere. And I think Coltrane’s greatest contribution to the culture is telling us where to look.

_____

Here’s a short list of the Coltrane records I would choose as the building blocks of a collection of his finest work. But I think an appreciation and understanding of Coltrane’s legacy necessitates hearing virtually everything he recorded.

Standard Coltrane (Prestige)

Giant Steps (Atlantic)

My Favorite Things (Atlantic)

Africa/Brass (Impulse)

Impressions (Impulse)

Live at The Village Vanguard (Impulse)

Coltrane (Impulse)

The Paris Concert (Pablo)

Afro-Blue Impressions (Pablo)

A Love Supreme (Impulse)

Live In Seattle (Impulse)

Interstellar Space (Impulse)

The Olatunji Concert-The Last Live Recording (Impulse)

Thelonious Monk with John Coltrane (Jazzland)

Kind of Blue (with Miles Davis) (Columbia)

© 2023

[violetsiren90]

The reason why I never rush people into replying to messages back... Is because I know everyone would have their own lives away from social media. People have their family, friends, jobs and anything else I'm able to think of at the moment. So that's my reason.

Yes! At least I'm gonna attempt to.. One reason why I stopped was because I'm way too perfectionistic, I am too critical of my own work. So I'm attempting it again. Hopefully try to be less critical of my works.

Don't get me wrong! I'm not trying to be rude. And.. I know. It seems like I'm being rude, but I am trying, in my own way, to not be seemingly rude if it comes across that way. I'm just trying to explain this to any person who might be curious about this topic, is all.

Like I know people prefer inclusive characters when reading stories. Though, sometimes, there could be certain details in the descriptions that won't always the person reading about that character. No fault to the writers. So I don't want you to think that I blame readers for some things they have no knowledge of.

Which might be all the more reasons to write about characters that aren't always written, especially any characters that aren't written well too. Because that tends to happen a lot when it comes to characters.

Ranging from appearances, traits, even disabilities.. Some people may be curious to read those types of characters. Or even have more representations too.

And I wasn't trying to sexualize my explanation! I've just tried explaining in a way where it is much easier to visual? Like if I really stood near men that tall, my full height does reach around to their stomach (and abdomen for some). I'm just basically half their size.

I'm not invalidated about myself. Because I actually know the differences between asking the questions about my height that people are curious about, and the vulgar comments they'd make about my height. Usually the guys who make vulgar comments about my size, well, they stop thinking it's funny whenever I hit them in the balls. I think it's a fair trade. At least in my opinion anyway. And the children, children do love being taller than an adult for once in their lives.

Exactly! If I ever see more duality pictures and even videos of the BTS guys, I'll definitely send the links.

Yes. I have a lot of stories to read (or reread), and I'll have to search your masterlist for more stories too.

I've been neglecting way too many hobbies lately.

Which reminds me... Obviously these ideas aren't all that original, not that I'd complain. What's your own opinion about mafia alternate universes? And also a supernatural universe? Like the seven deadly sins is another possible concept. Definitely have to write a mafia story, or many stories in general, because I've always enjoyed the mafia concept in media. Stories to shows and movies. So I'm attached to that idea.

Maybe? I should.. I should have some alias as anon, at least until I'm comfortable to reveal myself. Not a huge reveal, not like that. I'm just socially awkward.

Ah, I completely understand the woes of perfectionism! When I first started publishing my work, I had to just press the post button at times, before even conducting more in-depth edits for fear that I would chicken out due to self-criticism. So, I understand the struggle. It helped me to remember that what I'm doing is for fun and for free!

No, you weren't being rude at all! And you didn't come off that way either. 😊💕

Yep, bringing your own perspective and experiences to characters can be one of the great joys of writing.

Your explanation made perfect sense! Obviously, the dynamic of height and size is going to affect lots of aspects of physical interactions between characters, in smut scenes too!

Well, I'm certainly glad that you don't let those kinds of remarks get to you. Whatever those guys got, they had coming! 😂

I don't have very much on my masterlist quite yet, as I'm still a budding writer here on Tumblr, but I would be honored if you chose to read any of my stories!

I like mafia AU's! Though I've only read a couple. I'm pretty open to any type of AU. If it's well written, chances are I'm going to enjoy it! Writing a mafia story would probably be a lot of fun, especially getting into the weeds of that kind of world and reimagining members as different kinds of character types within it!

You're welcome to choose any emoji or alias you'd like! It will be helpful in keeping track to remember who I'm chatting with. 😊 And this is a safe space, you're free to remain anon for as long as you like, or introduce yourself more personally if you decided to! Either way, I'm happy to have you here. 💜

[mutecrows]

Due to enablers I have more propaganda since the YJH propaganda led to me spiraling off into how Kim Dokja is an autism king as well speech. As per my YJH propaganda I'm gonna do webtoon friendly first then go into full novel spoilers after a lil break!!

The clearest and most obvious point in this man's character is that his hyperfixation of over a decade on the story Three Ways to Survive in a Ruined World (or the Apocalypse depending on what you read), which will be called TWS from here on. He has every bit of this story in his brain (literally) and it's over 3000 chapters long. He read this story constantly, always on his phone reading and rereading what was posted, commenting on each chapter, and soapboxing to try and get someone else to read it. He did the soapboxing so much he would be spotted On Sight by other forum users who dogpiled him due to the fact that the story was, by all rights as understood from outside statements, rather mid. He had so cleanly memorized the story that part of his skill, once the apocalypse started, was that he could just quick draw reference the stats of the people from the story and reread it faster for a refresher

TWS is such a strong hyperfixation that whenever he would visit his mum in prison he would just retell to her the story as he was reading it along with his thoughts, feelings, and opinions on the plot and characters. He is regularly described as actually lighting up when talking about the story at all! He discusses TWS so thoroughly that when the apocalypse started his mum was able to navigate the scenarios and other changes cleanly and even plan around ways that would augment the plans she figured her own son and the protagonist of the story (YJH) would conduct to let them do their thing!!

This fixation is also something that absolutely doubles as a coping mechanism (escapism) AND his avoidance of losing things. He already was a reader from a very young age and, when he got upset over a story ending as a kid, his mum taught him "read it again" because it would be different every time. Your understanding would be better, you will notice foreshadowing you missed, you will understand motivations of side characters more, your life scenario will be different and you might view it differently just because YOU have changed. This was something KDJ absolutely took to heart. Afterall, if you just keep rereading and exploring the book's world more and more it's not really ending, you don't have to let it go until you're ready to read soemthing else and put the book down

He also used this reading as a way to figure out how to interact with people (even if he was bad at it) because in real life he was Not Good at talking or socializing. This wasn't Entirely his fault (his mum printing a book from prison about murdering her husband included Dokja so that was a social murder for the young teen) but he also just was generally poor at orienting himself both socially and in the literal directional sense. Its easier to pick apart motivations when you read a wide range of medias and dive into characters to have as a base to pull from

Masking? Oh, social masking? You mean how every time he's in an uncomfy situation he mumbles to himself "I am Yoo Joonghyuk" because thats his comfort character? And his idol in a way even though he loves and hates so much about him? Or do you mean that his biggest and strongest skill post apocalypse is called 4th Wall and is just Masking: The Skill. 4th wall REGULARLY absorbs emotional, mental, and physical shock to keep KDJ stable and functioning in his day to day life post apocalypse!

Does this man preplan everything? Oh yeah, absolutely. He is spending every waking moment planning for scenarios far into the future, reading and checking his details against TWS and sharing this information with others as needed to keep them successful and, most importantly, alive! He loves these characters come to literal life so much that he dies repeatedly for them to survive because he cannot handle the idea of not getting to the end of the story with all of them alive. He literally corrected his plans so that, when interference did kill one of the characters, he just went to the underworld and brought their soul back so that they could still be alive (in a way that would also work to keep him with the upperhand in the future). Even still, his adaptability is not that great and he does have a few emotional meltdowns in the future over changes that mess up his plans, he's just better at it than YJH

Okay now is me not being able to avoid spoilers so if you havent read the novel to completion go ahead and skip!!!

Homie talks but my boy Kim Dokja is NOT good at communicating, more just trying to talk so that he can wiggle out of conversation and get back to whatever he wants to pick at in his mind or do on his own. He's so bad in fact that when given a literal scenario that is just "talk to your friends" he panics because he doesn't think he will succeed (nor do they expect him to) because he just is bad at communication

Oh and TWS is such a huge part of his life that Sookyung (his mum) hates YJH for essentially taking her son away from her, in her eyes, and when later on the Olympus read fate is read to be that KDJ would be "killed by the one he loves the most" she KNOWS that the one to do it will be YJH once she sees him (although she has killed KDJ herself at this point in a hope that it's her, this family is sooo normal)

Truly is there anything more pure than whole hearted loving without wanting in return? The love a reader has for their precious comfort character? Not expecting anything in return but to have that character happy with love and comfort in their life? Is he projecting with his lack of self worth and investing and living vicariously? Absolutely, but that's also the mental illness (this man is so depressed and anxious and self harm driven)

Speaking of self harm and not being able to handle losing things he cares about! KDJ actively sets up plans and reacts in ways that gets him fr actually killed over and over and over. From the start of the King's Path to The Strongest Sacrifice to, everyone's favorite, The 73rd Demon King, and beyond, this man WILL kill himself instead of letting someone die and he also WILL have a meltdown if he thinks someone has actually died and do everything he can to fix it back because he cannot let go of someone or something he feels he needs as a crutch to keep himself up

I think it says a LOT that 4th wall is literally the embodiment of TWS. It's how he kept himself safe(ish) and living before the apocalypse and, once it started, it became more solid and real. I feel a lot of folks who masked for most of their life know the struggle of "I don't know who I am without this mask and it scares me" as they get to the point of recognizing that they have to look underneath. A dokkaebi, the beings that start the apocalypse in the story, the beings that KDJ manipulates to his needs, being the very thing he needs to get past to see himself means a lot to me. When it talks to him and he threatens to break it because he wants to see his own abilities without it filtering him (cries) it tells him, essentially, "Im keeping you safe you can't look too long it will hurt you"

The 4th wall, being the thing keeping his mind safe, is shown to devour characters from the book (and some people but they come back its fine) and uses them as curators to organize KDJ's thoughts and all the information about his life and TWS in his mind, which is a massive library that is sorted into sections for access as needed. Reading is so core to his being that his mind is a library (also the play on spelling in his name but thats like page one of the book we don't need to cover that)

So not only does TWS take up an incredibly massive part of his mind, since he has been creating charts and statistic references on skills and weaknesses and scenarios since he first found the story after his suicide attempt, but it also is something that he can't ever even let go of, even if it would've helped him fool the people he loves so much into thinking he was still there. At the 51/49 split, the thing that tips everyone off that KDJ isn't actually all there is he literally took his hyperfixating with him into the train. He made an avatar of himself that wasn't autistic and hyperfixated on reading (and on TWS specifically), less neurodivergent, less fiddling with stuff to stim, and everyone picked up that this wasn't their man in the room with them

I would go on but I told myself I would keep this under 2k like last time and honestly so much of him is tied in with YJH that its hard to make it about Just Him

Anyways vote Kim Dokja, I'm begging

ROUND 3

Kim Dokja x Link

[minisugakoobies]

This is either:

A. The go-to dealer in an 80s ensemble piece

B. The neighborhood loan shark

C. A single dad

D. The senior detective in the squad that lets the new guys be until they fuck up

E. All of the above?

Anything

Members: Yoongi, Taehyung, Jungkook (no pairings)

Genre: crack, DadYoongi!AU, BadCop!AU

Rating: M (18+) (for implied murder)

Warnings: mention of poisoning, mention of gun, Yoongi is not a good guy here (ymmv)

Word Count: 413

Disclaimers: None, other than I don’t own BTS - they just inspire me

Summary: Yoongi would do anything for his daughter. No matter who might get hurt.

A/N: Luce, sometimes I just can't help myself. You bring me ideas and I just run with them! Thanks for inspiring me again. 💕

Bad Cop Masterlist 💵 Part 2

Yoongi props his feet on his enormous desk, staring at his underlings over his sunglasses. "You lost the evidence."

"Technically, sir, we didn't lose it," Taehyung replies. "Kookie ate it."

Yoongi glances at the youngest member of the police force. His worried doe eyes are fixed on the floor. Yoongi bites back a sigh. "Kook, is this true?"

"I'm sorry! Sir. I didn't realize the dumplings were part of the crime scene! I just - I just thought Taehyung had brought his lunch with him again."

"Hey, that was one time, and - "

With a simple raise of his hand, Yoongi silences the pair. "Well, it would appear that you weren't poisoned like the perp, considering you're here and not lying next to him in the morgue. But Kook, do me a favor - next time you're on a crime scene, try not to eat anything, okay?"

"Yes, sir," Jungkook chirps, relief evident in his big orbs.

"Good. But with the food gone, you're back to square one on figuring out who killed the most powerful drug dealer in the city." Yoongi pauses. "So why are you still sitting here?"

The two men leap to their feet. "Yes, sir, sorry, thank you!" Taehyung barks as they hastily leave his office, closing the door behind them.

Yoongi unbuttons his blazer, running a hand through his long raven-black hair. His beeper buzzes, and he glances at the number. Jimin again. Probably wants to place a wager on the Dolphins game this Sunday. He'll call him later. He hates conducting bookie business on company time. It gets messy.

Picking up the letter lying on his desk, he rereads the number again. So many zeroes. Why did private school have to cost so much? Not that it really matters. He'll go to any lengths to give his daughter the world. She's his everything. Being a single dad is so hard sometimes.

But things should be easier now with his biggest competition out of the way. Thank fuck Yoongi only added the toxin to one dumpling. He'd hate to lose Kook. He and Taehyung sometimes make things hard for Yoongi, but they're sweet kids.

And he'll continue to help them as long as they never find out what Yoongi's been doing in his spare time. His hand slips under his jacket, fingers unconsciously rubbing the grip of his gun as it rests in his holster. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for his daughter.

No matter who gets in his way.

A/N 2: Unbeta’d as usual. Let me know what you think - my inbox is always open! 💕

Masterlist 💜 Find me on AO3 💜

© 2022-23 by sunshinerainbowsbts/minisugakoobies. Crossposted to AO3. Please do not copy or repost.

[duskcowboy]

“Is Az x Gwyn a red herring?”

[disclaimer: this post contains opinions on the Gwyn Lightsinger Theory as well as anti-Gw*nriel AND pro-Gw*nriel (kinda, but not really). If any of this isn’t your jazz, I recommend scrolling on.]

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot recently (specifically in reference to the *shhh* bonus chapter).

The reason I struggle with answering this is because a red herring must be purposeful on the part of the author, and I have this small feeling that it was never SJM’s intent to mislead her audience into thinking Gwyn was a potential LI. But at the same time, I don’t necessarily blame people for coming to that conclusion (I can see why they’d think she is or could be). I just have serious doubts that it was purposeful on SJM’s part. Here’s my thinking…

The definition of a red herring is as follows:

“A red herring is a misleading clue. It’s a trick used by storytellers to keep the reader guessing about what’s really going on.”

If the bonus scene with Az x Gwyn is a red herring, what is it diverting the reader’s attention from? Is it purposely making readers think Az and Elain won’t end up together when they actually will? If so, it’s done it’s job beautifully for a large portion of the fandom. Could it also be diverting attention away from Gwyn possibly being manipulated by Merrill? Also a potential possibility.

Or could it be that this is not the case at all, and Gwyn really is another potential LI for Az? (Also very possible at this point)

Or was the scene simply to hint at Gwyn being a lightsinger? (and no, not in an “evil” way)

Personally, I lean towards the last option (and I’ll explain why)…

After rereading the bonus chapter again, here are some points that I’ve broken up into three (3) categories: 1) points I believe hint to Gwyn as a lightsinger, 2) points that I think show it’s not romance between Az x Gwyn, and, 3) points that could be pointing to romance between Az x Gwyn (FYI, there are repeats of some quotes because I think there can be more than one interpretation):

1) Lightsinger Theory (for these, I highly recommend checking out these two posts by @silverlinedeyes dedicated to this theory to read more in-depth if you’re interested):

“The young priestess smiled—and Azriel thought it might have been directed at his curious shadows.” - Gwyn shows immediate interest in Az’s shadows. She knows he’s a shadowsinger, so she may be curious about his abilities because she’s aware of her powers and hopes he may be able to help her understand them if they’re similar to his in some way.

“Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him.” - could be romantic, but also could be interpreted as the shadows being able to hear her “singing” (just like how they heard the cauldron when Az couldn’t) since the breath curled around her mouth and they “danced” with it.

“They call you shadowsinger. Is it because you sing?” - we already know Gwyn sings, so she has an interest in the subject, but could she also be curious because she thinks she has some sort of power similar to his?

“Azriel entered the warmth of the stairwell, and as he descended, he could have sworn a faint, beautiful singing followed him. Could have sworn his shadows sang in answer.” - again, there’s singing, and his shadows sing in answer, as if recognizing and answering a power like their own.

“Instead, he found himself at the library beneath the House of Wind, standing before Clotho as the clock chimed seven in the evening.” - (all credit to the Gwyn Lightsinger Theory author for this one, would’ve never noticed it myself) 7 is the time when the priestesses begin their service and singing, so Gwyn could be luring Az (wittingly or unwittingly) to the library with her singing

“Something sparked in Azriel’s chest…” - (see explanation for the one below)

“For whatever reason, he could see it.” - these two points parallel a lot of the enchantment and magic conducted by the cauldron (check out the Gwyn Lightsinger Theory for more in depth on these ones)

“Buried the image down deep, where it glowed quietly.” - glowing is often associated with the use of magic or power

2) Hints at no romance (keep in mind, this is just my own interpretation, you are free to disagree)

“it was too late to bank without appearing like he was running” - Az did not seem eager to have to engage with Gwyn, if he’d been warned earlier, he would’ve avoided her (at least, that’s my understanding)

“The lie was smooth and cool” - a lot of people argue “Az can be himself around Gwyn”, but just here, it shows he easily and successfully lies to her without hesitation (as opposed to Elain knowing he was lying earlier in the chapter)

“The young priestess smiled—and Azriel thought it might have been directed at his curious shadows.” - this one can go either way romantic/not romantic; not romantic interpretation is that Gwyn wasn’t even smiling at Az himself, she was just intrigued by his shadows, just as she was intrigued many times by Nesta and her abilities

“For a heartbeat, their gazes met. He blocked out the bloody memory that flashed, so at odds with the Gwyn he saw before him now.” - when their eyes meet, he’s immediately reminded of the horror of her trauma (not exactly romantic imo)

“Her head ducked, as if remembering it too.” - Gwyn is also pained by the way Az reminds her of her trauma

“"Happy Solstice," she said, as much a dismissal as it was a holiday blessing.” - Gwyn tries to cut their interaction short (she denies this, and even if it wasn’t to be rude or actually dismiss him, she still wasn’t showing eagerness to continue their conversation)

“She opened her mouth to ask more, but he didn’t feel like explaining.” - Az isn’t interested in continuing this conversation or making an effort to, which is opposite to the interaction with Elain when she asks if he and Cass can fly and he answers

“…grateful for its bracing bite and the distraction of this impromptu lesson.” - his time here with Gwyn is a distraction, from who you may ask? Elain. (Again, I don’t see this as very romantic)

“He wouldn’t go so far as to call Gwyn a friend, but…” - idk how romantic it is to not even really be considered a friend

And just the fact that he regifted the necklace in general…not very romantic imo. No matter who he ends up with, they need to give him sh*t for that lmao

3) Points hinting at possible romance

“The young priestess smiled—and Azriel thought it might have been directed at his curious shadows.” - I can see this as romantic in the sense that, just like Elain, she isn’t intimidated or scared of the shadows, but instead smiles at them and Az

“Pure amusement glittered in her state.” - they moved past the awkward moment and now are amusing each other with banter (which is often linked to romance)

“Azriel’s lip twitched.” - again, continuing the banter and she’s able to get a cute reaction out of him

“Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him.” - Az’s shadows obviously show interest in Gwyn which is a reaction from them we haven’t typically seen, they even dance with her breath which is very sweet

“Azriel laughed. "I’ll give you that." Gwyn smiled broadly. "Thank you."” - they are enjoying each other’s company, making each other laugh and smile

“Azriel entered the warmth of the stairwell, and as he descended, he could have sworn a faint, beautiful singing followed him. Could have sworn his shadows sang in answer.” - again, his shadows have taken quite the liking to Gwyn. As they are a part of him, it seems like Az and Gwyn have chemistry

“Something sparked in Azriel’s chest…” “He could picture it, though, as he ascended the stairs back to the House proper. How Gwyn’s teal eyes might light upon seeing the necklace.” - the spark could be his feelings or maybe mating bond (tbh seems strange for it to kick in at this moment tho)? He thinks of how her eyes will light up seeing the necklace (seems potentially romantic to me)

“But Azriel tucked away the thought, consciously erasing the slight smile it brought to his face.” - he smiles at the thought of her eyes shining

“A thing of secret, lovely beauty.” - could be in reference to Gwyn herself, that she is a thing of secret, lovely beauty he is now recognizing

Whew, okay—so, I do acknowledge some of those points above could be romantic, but at the same time, many of them can be explained by the lightsinger theory, or can be argued as just friendly (and not romantic) interactions. Since it only really happened in the bonus chapter, I have a hard time seeing SJM truly moving forward with them as a couple, or that she ever intended for that to be a possibility.

Additionally, the amount of points that contribute to the lightsinger theory (while also potentially disproving romantic hints), along with all the points that are not romantic (in fact, quite the opposite) added up, again, has me come to the conclusion that Gwyn was not purposely added as a “red herring” potential LI, and that it wasn’t even meant to lead readers in that direction. I believe the point of the second half of the bonus was to show there’s more to Gwyn than we know of right now in terms of her abilities and growth, but not necessarily romance.

However, if it turns out SJM did purposely add all of that as a red herring, I wouldn’t be surprised and I applaud her because, man, did that turn out exactly how she intended. People didn’t walk, they RAN down that misleading trail. On the other hand, if Gw*nriel turns out to be endgame, while I’d be surprised, I wouldn’t mind all that much, I’d still read the book and be curious how SJM plans to develop that relationship.

Honestly who am I to know for sure? I could very easily be wrong! Just wanted to put my thoughts down. Lmk what you all think :)

[meili-sheep]

Personally, I find the character of Jean to be quite sad. Call me a bit unorthodox, but I feel as if she was never really given a choice.

If you look at all three families in Mondstadt, the vibes of heavy aristocratic traits are stifling. Diluc became a knight as his father wanted, Jean likewise with her mother, and Eula was raised to be a proper blue-blooded aristocrat with all of the abuse and maltreatment attached to it.

The divergence is how each of them handled it. Eula straight up abandoned that background, but is still bound to it as much as she doesn't want to be, Diluc had made an uneasy peace with his expectations and resolved to fulfill them in his own way, and Jean simply fell into the role she was expected to fill. Sure, she saw corruption and rooted it out, but she never really diverged more than that.

What I want for Jean is for that unwavering conviction and belief in her mission to be properly questioned, tried, and then matched up against something else as to not only strengthen her, but also give her some wisdom as to how to conduct herself.

Her mother in particular put her into a strictly regimented schedule and left no room for anything when she was young, constantly enforcing the mantra of 'for Mondstadt' into her until it's all she ever remembered. I believe that her last chance to turn from that in her youth left was when her father and little sister left, leaving her to be the heir and future head of the Gunnhildr clan.

Now every time she's seen working herself to death to the point of irrationality and paranoia rooted in the fear of not living up to her name, I'm just sad. I'm not pro or anti Jean, but as someone who was in a similar situation for a time, I can't help but try to interpret her as best as I can.

Well first off. I'm not trying to draw people into camps. People can like or dislike Jean all they want. I don't have any kinda of stake in that. And actually If you relate to Jean and find comfort in her! I would love for you to continue loving her! Its not my place to try and take that away. I'm just here expressing my personal thoughts on the character.

And I can definitely see that for her character. I don't find it unorthodox at all. And I can see that point for all 3 of the clans. But I still can find myself being able to sympathize with Jean.

Normally this is the part where I could go back into her character story and her quest to work on my opinion and polish my points. But here is my big personal issue with her.

I can not be asked.

I simply don't want to.

I'm not intresting in rereading and working on all that when I'm 80% sure my opinion isn't gonna change. I was bored of her during her story and I really don't think that's gonna change. Specially went parts of her really annoy me. And I find some of her habits of a toxic mentality. And yes I can see a lot of that being blame on her up bringing but there is a point where you do have to do your best to take control of your life and your own happiness. Just like Diluc and Eula. And both of them still struggle with the decisions they made but their lives are still better for it. And Jean does have that's choice. It might hurt people and it might have consequences but still your own happiness is your own responsibility. There is a point where you can't hold anyone else but yourself accountable. And for me personally to like Jean. She need to learn to stand up for herself and not fetch people's fucking cats when she's trying to lead a whole nation.

[brotherhoodoftheblade]

THIS. This is why John's attitude towards Percy and the general vilification of him by the narrative and fandom drives me up the wall.

I mean, I love John, too -- he's my favourite character (aside from Percy) -- but that bias has never prevented me from recognizing when his behaviour has been insensitive, self-centred, arrogant or even downright unethical. And he's certainly not the one-dimensional, teary-eyed, selfless and self-sacrificing saint that the show's painted him as. He can be a right bloody prick at times, and with no one else in the entire OL universe has John shown the worst sides of himself than in his conduct with Percy.

Percy, who out of his every other strained relationship, was the person who showed him the most openly sincere understanding, kindness, and support of anyone else in John's life, and deserved little (if any!) of the mistreatment he received at his hands.

John was a half-assed boyfriend to Percy from the very start, while Percy bent over backward throughout their entire relationship for John's sake. He repeatedly undermined his own well-being by sacrificing whatever he could just to try to get closer to John and make a real commitment to him, all the while showing John infinite bloody patience and understanding.

Meanwhile, John? That line John glibly tossed off on their first date about beautiful people being "but ornaments - desirable, but dispensable" turned out to be some pretty damn accurate foreshadowing for the tone of their relationship. The way he treated Percy was not unlike the way one might treat a whore they had some fondness for -- except he didn't even pay Percy for his services!

But no, instead he continuously demonstrated through his actions that Percy was at the very bottom of his list of priorities while everything and everyone else mattered more to him, and Percy was just someone to be picked up and put down at his convenience. And that was even before Percy caught John out, and he admitted point blank that he was already in love with another man and therefore he had nothing but "friendship and sincere liking" to offer him! Without even a single word of reassurance to Percy that he at least hoped something might grow between them in time, I might add!

Honestly, what an insensitive arse! 🙄

The description of the lines of Percy's face being painted in chiaroscuro right after John told him about Jamie is subtle, but so figuratively powerful in illustrating his state of being in that moment and throughout the rest of their relationship. (See? I can give the devil her due when she writes something good. LOL I've been wanting to right a one-shot inspired by it for years for I haven't gotten around to it yet. *sigh*)

To be in love with a man who loves another, to be so close to him without ever truly having him is to simultaneously exist in the light (of love) and the dark (of your knowledge that you're unloved while the man you love has already reserved his heart for another even though said man is incapable of even loving him back; it's the feeling of being unworthy and lesser than him, and the knowledge that to ever openly address the pain he's causing you would quite likely bring about the end of your relationship, so you pretend you're not hurting just to keep the little bit of him he's willing to share with you while you still can). The chiaroscuro that painted Percy was a brief glimpse into his state of quiet torment. 🥺

Every rereading I've done of BotB has only further reinforced my thought that if I were Percy - in love with the man or not! - I'd have bloody well dumped him sooner rather later, if only out of self-respect. Only someone with Percy's sadly low sense of self-worth would let a man treat him like that, I swear. Much the same way that only someone with a deep emotional void in themselves would choose to throw their every chance of happiness away with both hands for the rest of his life just to cling to a man that will not only never return his love, but actively reviles men like him and believes them perverse and incapable of loving each other. 💀

(I mean, I can't even with this fucked up narrative anymore. *sigh* 😑 It's not even where they started as characters that really bothers me, it's them STAYING there. For instance, Jamie's homophobia (as much as it personally makes me see red) is perfectly understandable given the time period, his religious upbringing, and his traumatic history with BJR -- it's the fact that his views still haven't actually changed in the ensuing decades that's the real problem.

And John being a firm believer of all the imperialistic propaganda of the British Empire is understandable, and therefore forgivable, in his youth...but as he gets older and sees more and more of the injustices and horrors on the global stage (a good many of them due to his own beloved King and country) and yet he STILL hasn't reached a state of open and public opposition to any of it?? He's still blindly towing the line in the name of duty and honour?

Sorry not sorry, but I don't find that very forgivable (or narratively interesting) in a 50-year-old John. (Seriously, please grow the eff up already. You're too old for this shit, John. 😬 smh) And that instead of having grown more open-minded with age in terms in his inherent aristocratic biases, he's actually grown more rigid and narrow-minded. I'm disappointed in him as a character, to say the least.) (Satisfying character development and arcs? DG never heard of them. 😐)

But anyway, back to the ever ubiquitous claim that Percy is weak and cowardly. (I know I've commented at some length on this subject before so...*goes off to look* *comes back like an hour later after finally finding it* lol) Okay, excerpt from this post here (wherein I was really flaming mad at the time I wrote it omg lmao - **spoilers for Bees** ^.^;).

"When Percy told John Michael Weber had blackmailed him John was all, “oh why didn’t you just tell me about it, I would’ve made sure Weber was no threat to you”, like a condescending twat. *scoff* Well, Percy gave him him two bloody years warning that he was in danger but I didn’t see Mr Big Man doing bugger all to neutralize the threat of Richardson. Maybe if he’d trusted Percy more he’d have taken his heads-up more seriously. Because when has Percy, when acting in deliberation, ever not acted to protect John - even at the risk of his own life?

When John got his ass beaten up - again - this time by a crazed mob of people because he made the impulsive and utterly mad decision to assist a convicted sodomite (of no friend or relation to him whatsoever to boot) to a quicker death in full view of god knows how many people and army officers. I mean, I hugely appreciate both the bravery and compassion that this act was born out of but -- IS HE STUPID OR SOMETHING?? o.O John knows how they love to gossip in the army - the utter foolishness of this act would’ve been second only to actually getting caught in flagrante delicto. And then when it finally came back to bite him in the ass (I was like UH-HUH, I knew it! xd) I wasn’t even surprised. It was likely the very first clue to tip off Richardson and send him looking for more proof that John was gay! (But I seem to have hugely digressed so back to my original point...lol...)

When John got his ass beaten up again and wasn’t in any fit state to uphold his promise to escort Captain Bates’s mistress back to Ireland, who volunteered to do it in his stead? Percy, of course, despite all the dangers inherent of such a long journey in the 18th century - highwaymen, bandits, footpads of all sorts. Percy, who’d never even held a sword until he was 26 years old and couldn’t even fight! HOW DARE JOHN DISMISS HIM AS A COWARD?!?! Percy Wainwright has never been a coward - if anything, his being an entirely average citizen and not some scion of a military family who’d been handed a “sword in the cradle” and trained to fight since earliest boyhood makes Percy all the more courageous. It isn’t the absence of fear that makes someone brave, it’s bloody well knowing all the dangers out there, being sensibly wary of said dangers, but then steeling yourself and going out and facing the danger anyway. Because something is more important to you than your own safety. Because John’s well being was more important to Percy than his own safety, greater than his own fear.

And then when Percy was in gaol, in the most dire circumstances he could possibly be in, basically waiting to be put to death, and recognizes Arthur Longstreet’s voice and the danger he poses to John’s life, what does he do? Why, write to warn him and then persuade a guard to find out what he could and then to deliver his letter in exchange for “a consideration” [insert sexual favour here, because what other currency does Percy have to barter with other than his own body], even though his confession has an extremely high chance of provoking the ONE man who might still care enough to save his life to want to wash his hands of him entirely and leave him to his fate. ‘I will leave you to imagine, if you will, what the writing of this letter costs me,’ he writes, ‘for that ultimate cost is up to you....to speak may mean my life; not to speak may mean yours. If you are reading these words, you will know which I have chosen.’

And then the pièce de résistance of this whole tragic mess is that Percy’s final act was again just him trying to get help to save John’s life, even at the looming threat of the loss of his own. I mean, he could’ve done NOTHING. He could’ve just continued keep his head down and hope that his show of submission would show Richardson he had no reason to kill him. Hell, he could have just taken his life and run, just gotten his ass on a ship and away from North America post haste, since Richardson apparently regarded him as so insignificant a threat as to let him wander about on shore by himself for periods of time. That would’ve been the most sensible thing to do in terms of self-preservation - but no, instead he risked going to John’s house because John asked him to, in the name of Percy’s love for him no less.

(Even after John again just sat there and said nothing when Percy confessed he still loved him - AGAIN - and my god, the way that last conversation echoes the one when John visited Percy in gaol just kills me. It’s almost the same situation, except John is the one imprisoned and waiting to die this time. And that John can’t even at least have the decency to look Percy in the eye and give him an honest response at such a time, frigging TWICE now, when he bloody well knows this may be the last time they ever see each other…! But nope, John’s stubborn ass just evades the matter altogether and starts talking about f*cking seagulls or something - honestly, who’s the real coward here? Percy has always been bravest in the places where John is weakest: his fear of love and all the emotional vulnerability that comes with it.)

And that Percy went and did the very thing that John dismissed Percy as being too much of a coward to even consider and so didn’t even bother to ask for Percy’s help in the end…! Could his lack of faith, the impassively pitying contempt that John holds him in, BE any colder? If I even end up reading any of Book 10 in some mad fit of masochistic desire to know if this tragedy can get anymore tragic, it will primarily be to know if John has enough feeling remaining in that two-sizes-too-small muscle he calls a heart to feel any sorrow for Percy’s fate or enough tenderness of conscience to feel any shame for the part he played in his end. And for the instrument of his demise to have been labelled fucking “Blood of Martyrs”…how appallingly appropriate."

~*~

And a further addition of proof (and probably the greatest proof of all imo) that Percy is far from a coward is him having been one of the most active of French spies for so many years, travelling all over the place in an era where they readily executed spies. Not just during the American War but in the all the years prior as well.

We don't know exactly at which point he joined France's Black Chamber/Secret du Roi (by 1964 at the latest though) but there were some military intelligence gathering missions he could've been involved in regarding:

(the tail end of) the Seven Years War (1756–1763)

(similarly) the Third Carnatic War (1756–1763)

the Larache expedition (1765)

the French conquest of Corsica (1768–1770)

plus the years before France officially joined the war we know he was canonically involved with the Roderigue Hortalez and Company (organized with his friend and fellow secret agent Beaumarchais) in order to covertly provide arms and financial assistance to the American Revolutionaries on behalf of France and Spain since the spring of 1776

It was no doubt incredibly dangerous for him to travel at times, whether on land or at sea. In either case he would've been hung - at the very least! - if he was caught as a spy. (The French spy François Henri de la Motte was hanged in 1781 for almost an hour before his heart was cut out and burned, and the following year Scottish spy David Tyrie was hanged, decapitated, and then quartered. 💀) And the Navy legally had the right to hang, draw, and quarter spies captured at sea as well.

And, hell, Percy was much more than just a French spy, he was also technically guilty of high treason by "adhering to the sovereign's enemies, giving them aid and comfort, in the realm or elsewhere" as an Englishman by birth. (But when the circumstances were Percy essentially having been FIRST betrayed by his birth country who'd put him to death for the "heinous" crime of being gay, well, I say fuck England. Do they deserve his loyalty anymore??) And being hanged, drawn and quartered was the statutory penalty for men convicted of high treason - along with other horrific shit like being emasculated, disemboweled, and made to watch as your entrails were burned. 🤢

So in all deadly seriousness, is Percy having made a long term career as a French agent the act of a coward?? HELL NO. He'd have to have been barking mad to chose such a profession were he actually a coward. lol

But Percy, unlike John, has both a sense of self-preservation and a practical mind to go with it. He doesn't make rash decisions on impulse or due to his own hubris and call it having a sense of honour the way John does. And sorry not sorry, but at least half the time John's goes on about "honour" he's really talking about pride and reputation. In short, his own damn ego, or his family's. And there's a huge fucking difference between TRUE honour, as in an adherence to ethical conduct regardless of the circumstances, and a concern for your own praiseworthiness in the public eye.

At the heart of most of John's misunderstanding of Percy is their vastly different upbringings. It's like Percy's first and most essential language is one he just doesn't speak, and one he will never be able to fully speak. He's simply unable to truly internalize the cumulative effect of a lifetime of poverty and marginalized social status from birth has on a person, the way it shapes your psyche.

He's incapable of understanding the way a state of chronic powerlessness eats away at a person, how their earliest lessons in life are to keep your head down and stay out of trouble if you want to survive. John has never known what it is to be truly powerless, much less chronically so. Even his most profound experiences of actual helplessness were brief incidents that he mostly bounced back from without any serious damage to the integrity of his being.

But Percy's foundations were never solid to begin with, his whole life has been built on ever shifting sands. Hence his quicksilver adaptability lacking in any true sense of security. John is a firmly rooted person, like the earth - when something pushes at him he just digs in right where he stands and pushes back. But Percy knows - has always known - that there's only soft sand beneath his feet because he's never been able to depend on any firm ground beneath him. Instead, water-like, he'll transform and shift in any direction necessary to try and skirt past any obstacle in his path because Percy didn't internalize the same sort of cultural values as John growing up.

For John to not fight back is to immediately lose face, honour, reputation, because he was taught to deeply associate his personal courage with own self-respect. Whereas someone who was raised as a strict Methodist would've had the virtues of humility impressed on him, with an emphasis on the value of rationality and practicality. John's ego so often turns him combative, but Percy's instead makes him dynamic in a wholly practical way. He won't fight just for the sake of fighting unless there's no other choice, because his sense of self-esteem isn't tied to personal courage in the same self-importantly showy way John's is.

Percy's ego-driven desires are far more straightforward than John's because he really only craves the most commonplace thing that John was just born with: respect. The only real difference between someone like Percy and someone like John is the way society treats them. John was born a gentleman of noble birth so he's always been treated with deference everywhere he goes regardless of whether or not he ever did anything to personally earn the inherent respect that comes with his station.

Whereas Percy has been no one since the day he was born and grew up in a slum area which pretty much automatically guaranteed most people treated him with the opposite of respect coupled with inherent prejudices and suspicion his entire life. His only real leg up was him being far more educated than the average man of his class (which he really has his minister of a father and the Methodist society to thank for, because if there's one thing Methodists believe in other than their religious convictions, it's the value of education).

And his seeming preoccupation his clothes is far from mere vanity. Even John, at least, can attest to how knowing how differently people treat you when you're shabbily dressed. If John hadn't had an upper class accent to immediately identify his true station despite the suit he'd borrowed from a servant to disguise himself that butler at Lavender House would've turned him away at the door. lol The better dressed you are the better you're treated in society - that's just the way it is. And it's not VAIN to want to be treated with a basic level of respect, rather than disdain or even open abuse.

The only REAL villainy in this situation are the inequalities perpetrated by a classist society, and the people who uphold such an unconscionably exploitative hierarchy (and then, worse yet, internalize a superiority complex about it).

Percy simply came to the very logical conclusion of, "If you can't beat them, join them", and I certainly can't blame him for that. And if he's been smart enough to find a way to exploit an already corrupt system for his own relatively benign ends, well, good for him!

(Sorry, I'm pretty sure I've completely lost focus and just been rambling nonstop (the horror! so sorry), and I'm pretty sure I haven't even remotely said everything I could say on the subject because I'm insane and I think too much. Also, it's nearly 9:30 AM and I've stayed up all night again. *screeches* I'm wholly incapable of rereading whatever the heck I said up there, much less editing it for clarity, so let us hope it's somewhat sufficient. *yawns*

Oh, and I found this old post that you might find interesting as well (and some of it is adjacent to the subject and it's other stuff I'd have said above if I wasn't dead tired and the mental equivalent of a pot of overcooked spaghetti right now). 😶🌫️

it’s always “percy is weak” “percy is a coward” but you know what people don’t give him enough credit!! bc if i was dating some guy and felt so intimate/close to him to the point of telling him all about my daddy issues and childhood trauma that i’d never told anyone before and then asked him about love and he replied “but you’re not in love with me are you” i would off myself idk

[kindness-ricochets]

I’ve been seeing a lot of thoughts and hc of autistic wylan lately and you seem to also be a fan of the concept. May I ask why? Exactly? I could definitely kinda see it but wanna hear you thoughts you’re always so eloquent

Hey there anon! Sorry for the delay—I’m guessing you already found an answer to this elsewhere while I was off Tumblr for a bit, but just in case, here are my thoughts. This will be heavily personal, but… well, you can’t very well ask an autistic person about autism and expect neutrality!

Autism is different for everyone and can be difficult to pin down, so while Wylan is arguably autistic, he misses several beats that for me would have made him definitively and undeniably autistic. For example, when the bells start to ring, triggering black protocol—I work in a place with a lot of bells and am frequently caught too close to one and normally press my hands over my ears until it’s over because that sound is like shrapnel raking across my insides. All of them. Not just the ear and brain parts. Wylan doesn’t have that sort of visceral reaction, but that may just mean he doesn’t have the same sensitivities that I do, or to the same level. He also never, that I recall, eats meat—as weird as that might sound, eating meat is incredibly complicated with heightened sensitivities to taste and texture. I’m not sure how old I was when I realized it was strange to get up from the table to spit out my food because it viscerally repulsed me. So it might be that Wylan is autistic and has different experiences than I do. Those are things I would include in a story as major indicators of a character being autistic. This might also mean that his father’s way of raising him taught him to hide unusual reactions and stimming behaviors. It’s not that much of a reach to assume a man who tried to abuse the dyslexia out of his son would take the same approach to autism. (More on autism and abuse later.)

So while I’m going to lay out why I read Wylan as autistic, that’s why I think it’s valid to read him as not being autistic as well. Both are valid.

A final caveat, I am well overdue for a reread of the books, so I likely left something out or could have found better examples. Take this as a few of my reasons for a personal headcanon. Anyone who feels differently, that's fine! We can each read things our own way :)

1 - Hyperfixation: The way Wylan loves music

Most of the Crows’ backgrounds color how they see the world: Kaz’s shrewdness, Matthias’s tactical thinking and superstition, Inej’s faith and Suli wisdom, etc. That’s a sign of good character writing. But very little of Wylan’s upbringing seems to have influenced how he sees the world. It comes closest when he thinks about how his father would scorn his new friends, but we never see that scorn from Wylan.

The way a hyperfixation feels, it’s like you’ve always lived in a close parallel world, never fully been a part of the other one where it seems like everyone else lives, but suddenly there’s this bright shining piece of your soul laced through the other world. It lets you connect, it lets you exist in their realm, and you can’t help but filter everything new through that lens because it’s the brightest, most wonderful thing. (I had been between hyperfixations for a while when I started a new job; six months into that work, I read Crooked Kingdom. One of my coworkers thought I had fallen in love, it was that marked a difference.)

So, combining these: Wylan never really acts like he was part of his father’s world, and indeed is in some ways separate from the other Crows, but he parses everything through music, his hyperfixation. He sets words to music to remember them, like he does with the contract. Even his own anxiety is made sense of through music, when in his first narrated chapter, he sets it to music: what am I doing here what am I doing here…. When he’s overwhelmed, his thoughts are “a jangle of misplayed chords”. The Crows have backgrounds that influence how they react to the world, but Wylan’s hyperfixation is his means of experiencing and understanding the world.

2 - Literal thinking: Wylan responds to exact words

In this post, I went into detail on the line where Wylan suggested waking up men to kill them. Wylan is generally unsupportive of killing people—Oomen, Smeet’s clerk, his father… he advocates not-murder in each of these situations. Accepting his aversion to murder, his suggestion to wake men up and kill them seems like a genuine reaction to Jesper saying he doesn’t want to kill unconscious men. Wylan takes things literally.

This happens the most with Jesper, probably because Jesper talks to Wylan the most. Nina and Matthias don’t really register him past how he might be useful, Inej is usually quite direct, and Kaz is very deliberate when he speaks with Wylan. This really interests me because Kaz tends to vary his speech more than the others do, he adapts more to being around other people. He jokes a little with Jesper, spars with Nina, speaks more openly and more sharply with Inej, and he’s precise with Wylan. Kaz may not know what autism is, but he recognizes what’s effective with Wylan.

Another example is when Wylan is sketching the Ice Court plans and Jesper says it looks like a cake. There are plenty of valid responses here: pointing out that concentric circles look like lots of things, that it’s just a sketch, telling Jesper to stop looking over his shoulder. Instead, Wylan says that the Ice Court is sort of like a cake. That… doesn’t sound like something Wylan would normally say. He’s not addressing the whole situation, he’s addressing the specific words Jesper said.

One of the most heartbreaking examples of this (to me, anyway) is with Marya. Wylan does the same thing with his mother, when she asks if he’s there for her money and says she hasn’t got any, and his response is, “I don’t either.” We understand as readers that what Marya is communicating here is that she is so accustomed to being utterly ignored unless she is being used, and if she told Wylan that no one visited but to take advantage and she assumed he was here for the same reason, he would say it wasn’t the case. But he just responds to the immediate statement.

There are a lot of examples of this.

3 — 0% perception, 100% creativity

Wylan can identify things that don’t make sense or that he doesn’t understand, but at the beginning of the series he can’t make leaps, only ask questions. On the Ferolind, he wonders about the source of water at the Ice Court; though Kaz doesn’t say as much, he was clearly wondering, too, because he eventually figured out the underground river. There’s an interesting parallel here where, in the beginning of Crooked Kingdom, Wylan asks a question about how they’ll break into Smeet’s and Kaz tells him to use his eyes instead of running his mouth—at which point Wylan is able to figure it out. I don’t think this is because he never tried before, though, but because no one ever bothered to teach him. Kaz can be harsh but he gives harsh corrections rather than harsh rejections and Wylan learns from him.

It’s hard to understand the world for people with autism. The world is designed and run by and for people whose minds are fundamentally different from ours, whose thoughts and experiences are unlike ours. Imagine trying to learn English or Spanish or Mandarin or any other spoken language if your first language was olfactory. That’s sort of what it’s like for someone with autism to just get dropped into the world and expected to figure this out.

This can be attributed to Wylan’s upbringing, but I disagree with that because none of the others were brought up in the Barrel, either, and Wylan doesn’t understand trade or politics with any special skill. Kaz wasn’t born in the Barrel, but he managed to go from “stealing is wrong” to “wrong isn’t my concern” real quick; Colm Fahey didn’t raise his son on gambling and firefights; the Ghafas never expected their daughter to be away from the family. Only Nina has relevant training—and even that’s precious little, she left school way too early. The others figured it out; Wylan needed a bit more help. He also seems surprised by the way his father conducts business. Wylan takes things on face value—like the time he’s surprised someone would do something, simply because it’s unlawful. This is something he expresses to a group of gangsters. He’s never been taught the way of any world and these things are not intuitive to him.

But Wylan isn’t stupid.

He doesn’t know how to understand the world, but he does understand how things go together. Given a pointy diamond, a handle, and a screw, he cut through Grisha glass. He carries flashbangs and magic napalm, he recreates military hardware—Wylan understands how to make things interact for a specific result. But to me the most telling thing isn’t just that he puts together chemical pieces, it’s that he figured out Jesper controlled bullets. He saw the pieces and put them together.

Wylan can understand when things don’t make sense, but he can’t make sense of them—yet when he understands things at their basic level, he understands them without preconception, for what they are. This is a very autistic way of thinking about things, it goes back to the literalism. He can’t make the leaps of logic other people can, but he also doesn’t make the assumptions they do—“I’ve never heard of a bullet Grisha, so that’s not a thing” vs “Well Jesper’s an almost impossibly good shot and he controls metal and bullets are metal, so why not?”

4 - Broken brain/body connection

Wylan’s great at chemistry and drawing and playing flute or piano—but he’s something of a disaster other times. This is in particular contrast to the other characters, all of whom are physically adept. Meanwhile it’s a challenge for Wylan to climb a rope ladder and he spends a full paragraph trying to figure out what to do with his hands. It’s easy to say, well, he’s used to a sedentary lifestyle, but at this point he’s not. He’s worked in the tannery for months. He’s just physically awkward.

I have less to say on this point only because it’s about something I don’t fully understand myself. I don’t really understand what it would be like to have a body that just… does things? Like normal stuff? Without tics and stims. No idea. Only that Wylan’s discomfort in and seeming lack of mastery of his own body feels very relatable to me.

5 - Abuse

One of the most familiar things about Wylan is how he has been so thoroughly abused and broken down that he’s afraid to do or say much of anything. Again, this is a place his background can be an obscuring factor. Of course Wylan didn’t think to blow up the walls when the first met the parem-juiced jurda and got trapped, he’s a spoiled rich kid! Except, he also startled when Jesper said his name later. Wylan didn’t hesitate because he was spoiled, he hesitated because he had no confidence.

He also thinks Kaz would laugh at him for playing music at his mother’s grave. Now, personally, I can’t see Kaz laughing at Wylan—being indifferent, thinking it’s pointless sentimentality, shaking his head, maybe commenting sharply that they need to go if they don’t have the time. But not laughing. Kaz is a snarky, sharp-edged jerk sometimes, but he doesn’t go out of his way to criticize, he just lets people know when they inconvenience him.

Wylan has been trained to identify attention as negative by an overbearing abusive father who literally saw him as less favorable than a demon. Now, that may have been hyperbole, but Jan criticized everything he could about Wylan—art, music, emotion—and made clear that he was worthless and competent to nothing. (Jan Van Eck can suck a rotten donkey dick but that’s neither here nor there.)

A lot of people with autism experience levels of bullying that have similar impacts. Or as the kids these days are calling it: we go to school. We go to school where we are weird. Where we look weird and move weird and talk about weird things and there’s a whole little bevy of asswipes to makes sure we know it. I got teased more for playing Pokemon and sitting alone reading than the kid who pissed himself onstage at assembly. (This was before Pokemon was cool. I’m old.) And that is not unusual for autistic kids. It’s also not unusual for this to be compounded by relatives or even parents who may be trying to help but don’t understand and can make things even harder.

So we can’t read social cues and we’re taught at a vicious age that everything that comes naturally to us is wrong. Imagine trying to interact in society with that background. There is no guide and most advice from neurotypical people isn’t actually what they mean. It breaks you down.

Wylan’s anxiety isn’t definitive of autism, but isn’t something that was incredibly familiar as someone whose neurodivergent experiences created a strong level of anxiety.

6 — High Compassion, Low Social Competence

Wylan isn’t very good at making friends. In fact, none of the Crows likes him much in the beginning, and only some of them soften toward him by the end. (Matthias and Nina come to respect his skills as a chemist but neither seems to particularly like him.) But you can see throughout the books that Wylan wants to connect with them and be one of them, he just… isn’t. He’s off-beat. He’s weird. He asks questions and mimics behaviors (trying to be cool and tough like Jesper, saying “mission” like Matthias does, imitating Kaz’s scheming face) but he doesn’t quite get how to adapt.

But he still cares about people. Not just them. Everyone. He cares about the people they leave in the ditch outside the prison wagon, he cares about Hanna Smeet, he cares about Alys. He cares about the people who’ll take a hit from Kaz’s sugar caper.

Wylan’s awkward social skills have undeniable big autism energy. I posit his compassion does as well. This is simply who Wylan is, and that means being someone who cares about everyone. I have nothing to back up that this is related to autism. I can say that it’s like me. (Not to brag.) I can’t turn off the part of my brain that says everyone matters. Individuals can opt out of that compassion, but they have it by default. There’s a certain agony in feeling a pull toward and love for just about everyone and yet an inability to develop meaningful connections with them, and that keen loneliness… it just burns.

Again, it’s not definitive of autism, but it’s very similar to an autistic experience.

I said in the beginning that I didn’t think Wylan certainly had autism and I stand by that, but he is a powerfully honest reflection of many people who do. So he can be understood to have autism, and that’s part of the reason some people have that headcanon.

[walkswithmyfather]

“15 Amazing Benefits of Reading the Bible” By Susan Nelson

“While there are numerous ways that reading the Bible brings us closer to God and benefits us daily. Here are a few that I keep close to my heart and serve as reminders for me to stay in the Word on a daily basis:

1. Gods word leads us to salvation: It is written in His word that we are saved when we put our hope in Him. Even if you are already a believer, rereading the words reminds us that He gave His only son for us to live in Him. John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.”

2. God’s instructions for life are housed in His word. How we treat others. How we should act or react in situations. It’s all in there. Proverbs 16:20, “Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.”

3. We gain wisdom from it: Psalm 119:130, “The unfolding of Your words gives light; It gives understanding to the simple.”

4. Scripture releases our chains and lifts our burdens: Psalm 119:28, “My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word.”

5. God’s word brings us joy: Psalm 119:111, “I have inherited Your testimonies forever, For they are the joy of my heart.”

6. The Bible gives us hope: Romans 15:4, “Whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.”

7. It reminds us of His promises: Titus 1:2, “In hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began.” Proverbs 16:20, “Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers and blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord”

8. His word enables us to battle and defeat the devil: Ephesians 6:17, “And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Matthew 4:3-4, “The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

9. Your faith will be strengthened: Romans 10:17, “Faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.”

10. You will enjoy a greater fellowship with Him (just as spending time with any friend or family member. Quality time together strengthens friendships and relationships): 1 John 1:3, “What we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Jesus Christ.”

11. Your prayers will be heard: Praying with and over scripture is incredibly effective and sometimes gives us the words when our own mind and heart fail us. Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart”

12. You will develop spiritually: Ephesians 6:17, “Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” You may hear the voice of God. Hearing God, in his own voice while reading scripture helps us to discern when He is speaking with us at other times. He communicates with us many ways, especially in scripture. “For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror” (James 1:23).

13. You will mature in the things of God: Learning more about Him and his commands will help us mature as believers. Hebrews 5:13-14, “For everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.”

14. You will be more prosperous and successful as you learn what He has taught and how to conduct yourself and your business and daily affairs: Psalm 1:2-3, “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers”

15. You will learn to fear the Lord: Deuteronomy 17:19, “And it shall be with him, and he shall read in it all the days of his life, that he may learn to fear the LORD his God by keeping all the words of this law and these statutes, and doing them.”

[andrasta14]

(Wrote an absurdly long thing again in reply to this here.  Too tired to make sense right now - swear I’m not drunk just stupidly exhausted. Posting separately as well just because...*shrugs* lol)

~

Yeah, no kidding, there’s a huge double standard at play here. With Jane, Fanny and Nessie they’re already naturally looked upon with sympathy just for being women. As for Fergus, well, he at least got to escape that life early on only thanks to Jamie - where would he be now, WHO might he be now, if not for having been adopted and looked after? (God knows there certainly wasn’t anyone looking out for Percy when his father was killed and the kid was left with no other recourse but to sell his body to keep he and his mother from starving!)

And generally I like Fergus, but that part where he called Percy a bitch - pardon me “chienne” - made me want to smack him! (To say nothing of the “fop” and “popinjay” name-calling from he and Jamie.) The bigoted attitude that chooses to emasculate men and reduce them to lesser beings just for being gay royally pisses me off. (And I wonder if the real point of contempt here in place of sympathy, in this skewed and narrow-minded POV, isn’t so much that Percy entered into that life only out of necessity, but that the truly shameful thing is seen to be that part of him LIKED it enough to discover he was homosexual and then continue in that vein the rest of his life.)

And no wonder most of the fandom dislikes Percy based on his portrayal in the Outlander books alone - a lot of them probably haven’t even read Brotherhood of the Blade, and without it they can do nothing but take everything at face value without picking up on the subtext. And even many who’ve actually read BotB still (irrationally imo) dislike Percy, because they can’t seem to divorce themselves of John’s POV enough to empathize with what Percy’s going through.

I’ve read BotB eight or nine times now (because I’m writing a fic of it from Percy’s POV and naturally I want to make sure I know my subject matter lol) and my understanding and empathy for Percy has only increased with each reading. I honestly dare anyone to reread that book, filtering out the way John’s POV colours the narrative, and just read all of scenes and events happening only trying to imagine what Percy must be thinking and feeling throughout given his upbringing and general history. I doubt anyone would be able to continue disliking him half as much.

Percy may have unknowingly broken John’s heart - and UNKNOWING is the key word here - because John never ever gave him any reason to think that his feelings were returned, in fact directly told him that he that he had only “friendship and kindness” to offer him because he was already in love with another man. And I don’t hear anyone calling John on his EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY throughout their entire relationship - oh but wait, Percy finally did after months of patiently putting up with it, and what did John say to the accusation? Nothing. Nothing whatsoever, because he damn well knew he was guilty.

They were both at fault in their own ways, but the huge difference is that Percy didn’t knowingly set out to deliberately hurt John, whereas John knowingly carried on with Percy for like four months despite Percy having told plainly him that “friendship and kindness” weren’t enough for him, that he wanted his heart as well. Can anyone honestly say that John’s such an insensitive idiot as to NOT realize on some level how hurtful and selfish that was? Because IT WAS SELFISH. John just wanted all the benefits of a relationship without making a real commitment, without having to face up to the need to let go of Jamie and move with his life.

And even before that John’s conduct wasn’t exactly honourable. He lead Percy on for well over a month before he even told him he was in love with another man - and then ONLY because he slipped up and Percy asked him. I mean, WTF, who does that?? Especially a man who prides himself on his honour? It’s not like Percy didn’t give any signs that he was developing strong feelings for him. When he sent John the lock of his hair and the “I cannot stop thinking about you” note, was THAT not the time that a decent person should take that as their cue to say, “I really like you, but I’m not looking for anything serious right now” or something? But NO, instead John just accepted it and let Percy continue to fall in love with him even though he KNEW bloody well that his heart was engaged elsewhere. Fuckboi, much? Geez.

And I think John is well aware of his own culpability in the matter, even if he refuses to admit to himself outright. Like when he that conversation with deceased father after the cannon exploded and asked him, “Did he only do it because I couldn’t give him what he needed?” Or when he ruefully told Claire in reference to Percy, “now, that imbroglio is indeed of my own making.” And when he said in response to Claire’s inquiry of what Percy had done to him: “Nothing. Nothing at all.” And yeah, of course, John’s repressed ass way of saying, “He broke my heart, but I don’t want to talk about it because then I’d have to actually have to deal with my emotions and I’d rather just push down and out of sight,” but it’s also him reiterating that he knows, logically, that Percy didn’t really DO anything out of malice.

As to the ever infamous betrayal in question...is it really THAT surprising that Percy chose to act as he did, rather than as John thought he ought to have done? On the one hand, I appreciate John’s frustration that Percy didn’t go to him and tell him about Michael Weber’s blackmail attempt right away (even if the arrogance that he displays while doing it urks me), but on the other hand, I can see several reasons why Percy would’ve decided handle it himself.

Firstly, out of sheer habit. Percy’s had no one to rely on but himself for a long time, and that kind of prolonged self-reliance can be double-edged sword at times. It often makes it difficult for such people to ask for help, especially about personal matters, when they’re too long accustomed to dealing with their problems themselves (sometimes to the point of stubborn pride). Learned behaviours like that don’t just vanish in the space in of months; it usually takes years and a deeper sense of trust that takes time to build.

Not to mention the intimate nature of the problem - because how awful must it have felt to be coerced like that by someone you’d once liked? And we know Percy liked Michael - when John asked him if he’d been with Weber in the past for “money or -?”, Percy looked away when he admitted it’d been the latter. I mean, how humiliating would it have been to have to go to your current lover and confess that your former lover had turned out to be such a douchebag and apparently cared so little for you that he’d threaten to destroy your entire life if you didn’t sleep with him? (Though John slept with frigging George Everett on and off for like seven years and that bag of dicks tried to murder him so I’m pretty sure he could have sympathized on the dubious exes front XD, but well, Percy didn’t know since they never got around to the past relationships discussion, mores the pity.)

Secondly, just giving Weber what he wanted seemed the most straightforward form of damage control. As to John’s accusation that Percy was stupid and weak for giving into such a “feeble threat” - well, who’s to say the threat was truly a feeble one? (Other than the almighty Lord John Grey of course, forever observing the world and its peoples from his lofty perch.) After all, a man who’s enough of a bastard to threaten to start a rumour that would destroy Percy’s career and possibly even cost him his life just for the sake of SEX, could also be enough of a bastard to actually DO IT if he’s refused. And then what would’ve happened?

Not only would Percy be discharged from the army, he’d cause a scandal to the regiment, to the Grey family and to his stepfather General Stanley. Even if Percy managed to dodge being arrested (because a rumour of being a sodomite is a permanent stain on his character, yes, but still not proof enough for to be convicted), he’d still have been unable to get any proper job in London (at the very least, to say nothing of the rest of England)  for the rest of his life, and he’d have been completely ostracized by pretty much every level of society...and John couldn’t be seen to have anything to do with him ever again. Would Percy really have considered trying to preserve himself from what was very nearly tantamount to rape worth the risk of so much needless disgrace to everyone around him?

Given his low sense of self-worth, I doubt he considered himself worth the trouble. And I would argue that his history actually made him psychologically predisposed not to fight against it nearly as much as many people in his position might have. For a young man who’d been selling himself for the last twelve years of his life - I mean, seriously, do the math on that; that’s HUNDREDS of times that he’s submitted himself in that way - submission sadly comes far more naturally to him than resistance. (And I doubt his history as a sex worker is solely responsible for this. Learned compliance and the avoidance of conflict whenever possible are also common traits in people with histories of childhood abuse - whether emotional, physical or both.)

When John came to see Percy in gaol and he said, “You will think I tell you by way of excuse for actions for which there can be no excuse...” before confessing he’d been a prostitute, I think he was indirectly trying to explain said psychological disposition to John, only indirectly - in that way that people will often sort of talk around something traumatic when there are things they can’t bring themselves to say aloud in the hopes that the person listening will still connect the dots based on what they’re able to say. I mean, he didn’t need to tell John about his past at all, he could’ve spared himself that final bout of shame and just told him Weber blackmailed him and left it at that. But no, he told John about himself FIRST because the two are somehow connected in his mind.

(Of course, a cynical person might also say that he only told John about his past because he hoped to better illicit pity from him. Obviously, I doubt that. Percy had an air of resignation about him, the almost impassive manner of a man waiting to die; even when John took out the pistol he seemed like he was expecting it. I think he told John because he knew that he might never get another chance to say it, and he at least wanted to be honest with him at the end. (Which is basically a Percy thing to do now thanks to frigging Bees...T_T But continuing on from my internal crying about frigging Bees...) It was only after the “Do not tell me I have broken your heart, I know better,” upset and John bloody just sitting there staring at his hands, saying nothing when Percy asked if John could tell him loved him that Percy’s anger overtook him and he said that what he wanted from John, since he didn’t have his love, was his life and freedom. I think he was resigned to die for what he’d done until John asked what he wanted of him.)

And finally, is it really such a surprise that Percy didn’t run to tell John about Weber’s threat? I doubt very much that Percy would’ve wanted to burden him and saw his ex-lover as a personal problem it was his responsibility to deal with himself. Also, given John’s already known tendency towards impulsivity and recklessness, not to mention bent for violence, would he have thought it in any way a good idea to tell John? Who knows what he might have done? Percy would’ve had sense enough to want to avoid a potential altercation between John and Michael, if only for political reasons. It would have looked particularly bad if the regiment’s acting Lieutenant Colonel, and the brother of the regimental Colonel no less, ended up in some sort of brawl with one of their allied German officers. And Hal would’ve been piiiissed. lol And then there was a pretty good chance that John even getting involved could very well have have tipped off Weber and resulted in the threat of his exposure as well. I mean, Percy was careful to never even tell Michael John’s name for a reason. He wanted him kept out of it for his own protection.

And of course, the final component of Percy’s decision to betray John: he believed John didn’t love him anyway so it wasn’t as though he was going to be breaking his heart. He might be angry for a time but it would be better than the potential alternative. Percy chose what seemed to be the lesser evil, the thing that would cause the least harm, and ironically managed to cause an even worse situation than the one he was trying to prevent. That John ended up returning to his room with two other officers in tow? Talk about rotten luck.~

(That’s Percy, our rotten luck blood of martyrs boy...T_T)

#so I somehow ended up writing a ridiculous long THING again lol

#written while half asleep starting at 4 am

#and got progressively more tired as I went on

#probably absurdly rambling and somewhat incoherent

#but it's now 7 am and I'm too damn tired to even attempt to edit this mess

#i don't care

#read at your own peril lol

#will be somewhat impressed if anyone reads all this crap

#ugh must go to bed now

[grandhotelabyss]

Sure, you could pay to read the New York Times, or take an extra minute out of your day to blow through their paywall, but for free[*] you could be getting the good information about John Stuart Mill that was just dropped at johnpistelli.com. There’s plenty of nuance in his almost legalistic prose, I promise you, as he heroically tried to synthesize the Enlightenment with Romanticism. An excerpt from my new essay:

How is the infrastructure of free speech to be erected and sustained? Through a proper education, one in which students are allowed to hear a diversity of views from those who hold them. Citing precedents in intellectual history from the Platonic dialogues (in which philosophy is conducted as an argument between multiple personae) to the legal practice of Cicero (who learned the opposing counsel’s case better than his own) to the process of Catholic canonization (which invites the “devil’s advocate” to speak against the candidate for sainthood), Mill argues that students must be prepared to defend their own positions against counterarguments they themselves are able to reconstruct from the inside: “He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that.” Otherwise, people will hold even their own opinions lazily, unfeelingly, and without really knowing why—a state of intellectual torpor that bodes ill for the polity.

Precisely the situation in which once-august and now-bathetic institutions like the Times sadly find themselves.

I don’t even know why I started reading or rereading On Liberty the other day, nor do I remember if I’d ever read the whole thing before or just excerpts in college. I do remember reading all of The Subjection of Women in a Western Civ class, and then answering a final essay exam question in the same class where I was invited to imagine and write out a debate between Mill and Hitler. I recall having some fun with the stage directions: “Mill lifts both eyebrows in startled alarm” and the like. The professor would no doubt be fired today. 

Anyway, I think I went back to Mill because George Bernard Shaw had me wanting to revisit the Victorian sages (and indeed to expand my knowledge of some of them beyond the Norton Anthology)—nothing to do with the news. But current hegemonic left-liberalism has of course abandoned Mill’s liberal ideal of free speech without even seeming to understand its rationale—they appear as well to be in the process of abandoning any theory of mind whatever, ironically returning to a fully infantile state—so On Liberty remains pertinent. 

Two things I didn’t get to discuss in my essay since I try to keep these things short enough for Goodreads:

1. Mill was a Malthusian who thought the state should seize control of breeding. He disfavored “a woman’s right to choose,” to use an obsolete phrase from my youth, to opposite effect as does the religious right today: he might not outlaw but mandate abortion, for generally eugenic reasons. This seems to me inconsistent with the broad principles of On Liberty and premised on a flawed and zero-sum idea of humanity’s relationship to nature and economics.

2. I quoted but did not elaborate on Mill’s beguiling sentence, “It may be better to be a John Knox than an Alcibiades, but it is better to be a Pericles than either.” I first encountered it before I ever read any Mill at all as the epigraph to James Wood’s paralyzingly eloquent essay against Thomas More, “A Man for One Season.” Wood’s idea is that More was no better than Knox, a religious sectarian, and therefore not a fit Periclean hero for a liberal, secular society. But is it really better to be John Knox than Alcibiades? It’s a case of two extremes, an unenviable choice. I confess I haven’t read any Thucydides since my first year of college, but I do recollect that Athens’s golden boy (and Socrates’s boy-toy) was an unreliable man, to say the least. Still, would I want to found Scottish Presbyterianism or hang out with Socrates? I swing sexually the other direction, but Al seems to have enjoyed primarily female company anyway, among all his wild and dangerous political intrigues. Wherever you come down, it’s certainly a thought-provoking sentence.

_________________________________

[*] While I have been “playing real good for free,” like the “one-man band by the quick-lunch stand” in the Joni-Mitchell-via-Lana-del-Rey ballad, if you like it and if you’re able, you might please send money or buy a book to keep the operations ongoing. Thank you!