#micro.log
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Just now processing that he fucking just....washed me so gently and carefully??? Held me close and let me just breathe??? Checked in to make sure I was okay??? Just fucking held space for me to ramble and process the new experience???
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Owwwwwww
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Finally properly stoned. I've only been home for like 3-4hrs and it was my primary goal
#gods this executive dysfunction will be the death of me#Really need to find time to get all the doctors I need#micro.log#micro.txt
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We had an incredibly powerful talk last night. We sat on the porch while the wind rushed by and the trees danced. We were made vulnerable by this storm, humbled, human, alive and thrumming with possibility
So we talked. About the struggles in this relationship, the incredible distance between us, how we got here and where we can go from here, shared anxieties and received reassurance, took accountability and devised new possibility.
I didn't share everything, and made it clear we still had to talk about the breakup/nonbreakup. But almost everything that contributed to it? Out in the open. I've been mostly taken down off the pedestal in his brain, and he's gonna work on the infantilizing. I'm gonna work on my communication, and at least expressing my feelings in the moment even if I can't explain why I feel them.
Maybe we need the stop light system but more robust. I need to be able to communicate complex relationship dynamics in a single word. Honestly I need that for Maj too.
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Uggggh. So tired I can hardly keep my eyes pen. But brain all too happy to ruminate the second I close my eyes.
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#the fact that he caused harm and immediately addressed it once it hit him what had just happened#holy fuck I have never been through something so healing#the depth of his shame not whisked away by internalized bullshit but just open ans raw for me to see as he apologized#for the various impacts on me#the various ways they layered up to cause a deeper harm#the choices that led to that harm#the ways he needed to take accountability in the future#โI'm sorryโ was spoken in a thousand languages of grief as i cried deep within my heart in shock#in fear#in heartbreak#I'm sorry carried my grief on it's back through paths of processing I could not see. could only feel#FUCK#how incredible is it that i can l look back at such a vicerally painful thing with tenderness?#I'm sure there will be more processing to do over the coming weeks#but thank gods I was able to walk away from that without new trauma#๐#micro.log
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Just gave myself the BEST head massage. Got the inside of my ears and everything
Yo this is your reminder that you can do it too!
#i need one of those head thingies#you know with all the lil metal arms with tiny balls on the end?#makes your brain go brrrrrr#micro.txt#micro.log
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"I literally just fed and watered them"
The way every animal ran to me to communicate they needed water tells a different story
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muscle spams how i loathe thee
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Ugh I am so tired of spiraling out over and over again. I miss being grounded in myself. I miss so much...
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#hate hate hate hate hate hate this feeeeeeeeling#brain act normal about any amount of conflict challenge#micro.log#micro.txt
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The cat just came out of my roommate's office with a bag stuck over his hind legs. And then I started hearing growling
Turns out he'd somehow gotten a whole fried chicken thigh from in there and was warning off the other cats lmao
#It's a madhouse in here#Literally#Except one of us commits mental self harm every time he's forced to acknowledge it#micro.log#micro.txt
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He had the opportunity to take my pain and exhaustion into account and he didn't
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Gods the insomnia has been getting so bad again. Exhausted but can't sleep. Keep catching myself ruminating about the convo with ๐ earlier
Like fuck. This man asks me to help hold him accountable and then will jump through the wildest of mental hoops to avoid it.
Like honestly how the fuck did we go from not degrading yourself to talking about child abuse being an effective motivator? What??????
#and then he wants to get pouty that I never talk to him#๐#fucker#earn it!!!!#micro.log#micro.txt
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Sent him this
And it led to me having to say this (after he'd gotten defensive about how "um actually I'm using self loathing to be productive at this very moment! It may not be good but you can't deny it's effective right?? My mom hitting me made me shut up when that was her goal!")
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