Eurovision 2022: #25 - #21
25. ARMENIA
Rosa Linn - “Snap”
20th place
Overall placement: 50/79
[Above The Black Mamba, below James Newman]
Ugh, Fine.
Time to finish this ranking turbo style! So yeah, I’m not impressed with The Biggest Eurovision Hit, which I suppose is a controversial opinion? Then again, if Rosa was so good, then why did she only make it 20th place, hmmm? 🤔🤔
When Rosa’s song leaked it sounded exactly like the type of song you’d expect DMGP to commit murder for: a frivolous, cheery pop welterweight (which somehow has the same cadence as I’m Alive by Elhaida Dani) thats easy to listen to and doesn’t get in the way of stanning better things.
At Eurovision, this was Rosa’s exact journey. She was a cute presence that was vaguely liked, and her staging supported this. (despite the staging mishaps, still pretty neat!) Don’t know what all the references in the lyrics are about, but we can pretend it added some depth and meaning, Into 20th place she went, which was a fair result for what her lovable random self brought to the table.
Then, she went viral on TikTok, which honestly is more of an “eww” than a “good on her” i m o. Okay, look, it defo does not surprise me that out of the entire 2022 catalogue this song became the viral one. TikTok viralness is a horrible metric for musical quality though. “Snap” works as a TikTok song specifcally because it doesn’t syphon attention away from whatever brainfart nonsense TikTokkers force on their feeds for a living. If you want a backing track to your “Make mac ‘n’ cheese by dumping the ingredients on a marble countertop” silliness or your indie song-singing 101 Tutorial, might as well pick something like a Snap as the accompanying backing track.
Also, I always felt the record label behind Rosa Linn was a bit too eager to get A Big Kicker on their conto. Remember when Rosa -likely on urging from her mentor Tamar Karpelian- attempted to start a respectful discussion on Twitter (oh dear) about how wonderful NFTs were (oh dear) because they helped establish a base income for fledgling artists,like herself (oh dearrrr) without having to rely on her songs getting streams? (oh dearrrrrrrrr)Twitter gave their usual gaslighting-disguised-as-concern response which in turn forced Rosa issue a semi-confused, half-arsed apology for attempting to profit from her work. Okay that was kinda funny, but by Monika Liu’s grown-out bob, Zoomer drama is the nuttiest drama, I swear.
Anyway, the aforementioned NFT shizzle, the association with Tamar’s Slytherin Evil, the TikTok viralness and the radio people’s sudden insistence that “Snap” was A Hidden Underrated Gem despite it being an inconspicuous 20th placer at Eurivision THAT NOBODY CARED ABOUT, and also the fact that Snap has five different versions (HER?!) all kinda hints at a certain ambition that just... taints it a bit for me. It just feels like Snap’s popularity didn’t develop itself naturally and but came about due to largely commercial and monetary reasons, after which the sheeple convinced themselves retroactively that it was secretly great and very underrated, since you know, influencers would never twist the truth to us for their own profit.
Overall the song’s fine in a vaccuum. Underneath its base sheer lie values that my crusty millennial monroe ass doesn’t share. FARE THEE WELL, MISS LINN, YOU GO BYE NOW!!!
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24. CROATIA
Mia Dimsic - “Guilty pleasure”
26th place
Decade placement: 47/79
[above The Roop, below Tusse]
Oh look, another vaguely pleasant, mildly likabable, and ultimately not very exciting middle-of-the-road pop melody. The cynic in you might think I’m ranking Mia ahead of Rosa because Mia didn’t go viral, and like always the cynic in you is correct! Hooray! 😁 Yeah sorry, in the ongoing battle of overrated vs underrated, it’s the correctly rated that always win :-)
Still, like Rosa, Mia had the potential to be green on my ranking if she had cultivated a status as a fun random. TSwift IS a guilty pleasure of mine (except for her Midnights Era self which is unironically great) and while “Willow” is a part of the least exciting wing in Taylor’s musical library (ie: the part that isn’t crazed out through copium and/or severe neurosis), this bootlegged version was just cute enough to charm me.
Now of course, if your song is all about maintaining a certain level of delicate joie-de-vivre, it’s really important to not overdo the act and let the singer’s personal charisma carry it. Cue to the staging which looked like this:
What.
The.
Everlovin’.
Fuck?
There’s good staging and there is whatever the flyin’ fuck that was. Goodbye cutesie lounge vibe, goodbye charming performer, you’re completely overtaken by this overly choreographed, overtly dramatic and abrasive act that your song didn’t need. ONE dancer, NO acrobatics, how difficult is that to grasp, HRT? I’d be tempted to say the act was a cursed decision, but then realize Croatia’s frantic dance gremlins were probably the tipping point that allowed ~Systur~ into the finals, and any Eurovision final graced by those three earth angels has to count as a blessing. So thank you Mia for blessing us. ^_^
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23. GERMANY
Malik Harris - “Rockstars”
25th place
Decade ranking: 45/79
[Above Tusse, below Undisclosed]
It is very common knowledge that nobody likes Rockstars, and fine, I don’t! As insipid as “Rockstars” was though, I don’t think it was completely without redeeming qualities.Malik had a baseline charm and really went for it, I guess.
The German Selection, which had adopted the very... um... optimistic name “Germany, 12 points” for the occasion, (optimistic even if we believe the conspiracy theory the “12 points” alluded to the total numerical amount ARD were aiming for in Turin <3) was one of the worst in a horrible NF season. I was fucking relieved it produced a winner I could (sadly no more than) vaguely enjoy. Not everyone has the panache of getting distracted by their own soap bubble bonanza.
Also, the SPOKEN WORD RAP BREAK was exactly what my brain and soul -both high on copium after the Alina Pash withdrawal- needed at the time. It didn’t blow me away or anything, but it at least gave me something tangible to cling onto besides “well this is nice, i guess”.
For the rest though, ::tumbleweeds::. I think people might have been a bit too bandwagon-y in their Malik Mockery cus like, yeah he’s clearly getting last, don’t make it worse? But then again... he brought very little to the table. Besides the spoken word it’s like... cursive singing (petition to rename this to “Cursed Singing”) and instruments displayed on moth-eaten rugs to get points, you know? It’s like Germany were deliberately telegraphing us to NOT vote for them, again. But that’s less on Malik and more on ARD’s incompetence, which is a discussion for another time.
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22. NORTH MACEDONIA
Andrea - “Circles”
27th place
Decade ranking: 44/79
[Above Malik, below Hurricane]
WE FINALLY MADE IT TO GREEN!!! Sadly we’re still in the No Man’s Land of VagueOpinionstan. 😣
There is *something* about Andrea and “Circles” that resonates well with me? Is it the perfectly mimed frustration with a poorly communicating love interest? Is it the palpable resignation on her face as she helplessly bleats “u don’t wanna test my limits -_-”.
Maybe! What I do know is that I stan the critical amount of pure Sadsack Energy Andrea exhudes from every pore. 😍😍 I think she’s a contender for the most morose, Eeyore-ish person to ever set a foot on a Eurovision stage? Reminder that this person won a selection <33333 Andrea posseses a sort of theoretical anti-charisma that should render her unvoteable, and yet in practice just has me cling to every word crossing her lips. ALL SHE WANTS IS A HEALTHY CONVERSATION SO SHE CAN GET IT RIGHT AND FIX THE SITUATION, YOU GHOULS!!!
(and yes, the other Bubble favourite of floordrop sorcery making an appearance <3)
But then on top of that, Andrea also became A Highly Controversial Pick for NoMac!!!! Strangely not because she was an out-and-proud lesbian (although, an out-and-proud lesbian representing a toxic homophobe country from the Balkans <3333333) but because..... she dropped a wee plastic flag during the turquoise carpet.
The toxic nationalists took it as HER DELIBERATELY TRAMPLING OUR MACEDONIAN PRIDE AFTER YEARS OF GREEK BULLYING. MRT even issued an official statement that they were CONSIDERING A WITHDRAWAL (with zero intention to actually quit of course) to appease the smooth-brained cunts until the quiet and expected NQ arrived. <3333333333
(knowing her misery was finally over, Andrea cracked a smile for the first time in her life <3)
This only enhanced Andrea’s Charlie Brown”-esque journey even more!! Just when Andrea looked like the token hapless last placer nobody loved, the results came in, and showed she *almost* made the final. 😍😍😍😍😍😍. If there’s one thing that horrible second semifinal should have done right and didn’t, is causing a NoMac qualification by means of fixed jury voting algorithms. Simply imagine the meltdowns over Andrea slaying Andromache AND Nadir. 😍 If only the EBU had the balls to NQ Azer on the spot, huh? Oh well, there’s always 2023 for that. 😈
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21. UKRAINE
Kalush Orchestra - “Stefania”
1st place
Decade ranking: 41/79
[Above Fyr og Flamme, below Eden Alene]
ugh i forgot he yelled Mariupol and Azofstal at the end of that and wasn’t DQ’d on the spot! Instantly regretting I didn’t rank Ukraine even LOWER. 😫😫😫 (no, don’t think about how much better Stefania would be without him, don’t do it Bobo, consider your mental health -- inner monologue while writing the rest of this post.)
So yeah, after all this inconspicuous also-ran filler (i’m definitely including Snap in that group), I’m eliminating the winner, the biggest televote winner Eurovision have ever had. “Have you no respect, Boris?”, you might ask and well... would I be me, if I had any, lol? I came into the 2022 season with hot takes and mental fortitude and thanks to Shitvidi I’m all out of fortitude, so~
Cynicism and self-awareness aside, let’s get the big elephant out of the room: The war had virtually no impact on my ranking here. I despise politics at Eurovision, (mostly because politics always affect it, but Eurovision NEVER affects the politics back), so there are two options here: Either downvote Ukraine for bringing politics into the contest, or make an exception and turn a blind eye. I chose option two. Nobody can begrudge Ukraine for attempting to pretend that the worst armed conflict to have hit them since WW2 hadn’t broken them, so I won’t. No points added or deducted. .
I do have good reasons to not rank Stefania higher though. I think you already know where this is headed - Sorry (for YOU) if you’re a fan of his, but Oleh suuuuuucks. It started at Vidbir when he led a small mob against that poor envelope lady and it was all sorts of messed up? Entitlement and bullying tinged with toxic nationalism, there ain’t no better first impression to make, am i right?
And very unfortunately my distaste towards Oleh also extends to his on-stage presence which I find really fucking obnoxious. The concept of a “Charismatic Black Hole” was one I didn’t fully understand until I first saw Oleh Psiuk set a foot on stage. Does anyone TRULY like his presence here? All his verses do is distract from the chorus and instrumental, which is awful because those bits fucking slap! Airlift him and his ugly-ass hat the fuck outta here.
Okay, so the winning song is actually... pretty good. It is NOT great though. Stefania is a weaker, safer and more cis-het version of “Shum”, which is suboptimal. Counterpoint is that “Shum” was Peak Ukraine (Which is also Peak Eurovision), and remains one of the best entries ever, so a lesser replication of that is still enjoyable overall. It made Ihor Didenchuk (who is also in Go_A) a Eurovision laureate! It kinda sucks the fandom didn’t come through at a time when Ukraine had, you know, an actually charismatic lead, but I suppose the power of love Damiano-induced boners does conquer all.
On the flip side, Ihor’s and Tymofii’s contributions are so good that they almost fully balance Oleh’s deteriorative and hammy rapping. Tymofii carries Stefania with his spot-on chanting and preposterous flute playback shenanigans.
Ihor meanwhile just has a good time on the stage, disguised as one of the two Cousin It-like entities <3 Add in some tasteful staging and hell, even the fact that this song is in essence an ode to someone’s (You Know Who’s) actual mom, (and not the forced, cringe, jingoistic metaphor it later became) and you have an entry that definitely makes sense as a jury fourth placer and top fiver overall.
Now obviously, I would have preferred for Ukraine to not win because they were not the best option (not by a mile!), and ofc also because I hate their lead, but I’m not fully broken up that they beat my faves. Sometimes there are powers at work beyond our control and that’s fine. Not everything in life must be catered to our tastes. Ukraine are the best Eurovision country, and it doesn’t matter how or when they catch up to (and pass) Ireland and Sweden, as long as it happens during my lifespan. 🤷♀️
Still think Pinkbucket’s a thuggish little punk though. Prayer circle that the next time Ukraine win, it’s with someone actually worth stanning. 🙂
CONGRATULATIONS TOP 20!!!
ALBANIA - AUSTRIA - CZECH REP - ESTONIA - FRANCE -
GEORGIA - ICELAND - IRELAND - LITHUANIA - MALTA -
MOLDOVA - THE NETHERLANDS - PORTUGAL - ROMANIA - SAN MARINO -
SERBIA - SLOVENIA - SPAIN - SWEDEN - UK
THE RANKING
21. UKRAINE - Kalush Orchestra - “Stefania”
22. NORTH MACEDONIA - Andrea - “Circles”
23. GERMANY - Malik Harris - “Rockstars”
24. CROATIA - Mia Dimšić - “Guilty pleasure”
25. ARMENIA - Rosa Linn - “Snap”
26. CYPRUS - Andromache - “Ela”
27. LATVIA - Citi Zeni - “Eat your salad”
28. DENMARK - ReDDI - “The show”
29. BULGARIA - Intelligent Music Project - “Intention”
30. GREECE - Amanda Tenjford - “Die together”
31. POLAND - Ochman - “River”
32. MONTENEGRO - Vladana - “Breathe”
33. FINLAND - The Rasmus - "Jezebel"
34. BELGIUM - Jérémie Makiese - “Miss you”
35. NORWAY - Subwoolfer - “Give that wolf a banana”
36. AUSTRALIA - Sheldon Riley - “Not the same”
37. SWITZERLAND - Marius Bear - “Boys do cry”
38. AZERBAIJAN - Nadir Rustamli - “Fade to black”
39. ITALY - Mahmood & Blanco - “Brividi”
40. ISRAEL - Michael Ben David - “I.M”
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Eurovision 2023: #25
25. NORWAY
Alessandra - "Queen of Kings"
5th place
Decade ranking: 73/166
[Above The Roop, below Mia Dimsic]
TikTok is a scourge on this world.
For those that wondered what a bad non-Noa 2023 result looks like, I present the above. Like yeah sure ITALY is the biggest offender of "Gets Votes Due To Pre-Built Expectations" on average but honestly... Norway's kinda up there too lately. AND ALTHOUGH I'M RANKING HER AHEAD OF MARCO, NORWAY'S RESULT OFFENDS ME WAY MORE. Third in the televote, really? Over Joker Out? Over Monika? Over Brunette? If that is what fan service is supposed to deliver, then the fans of this show are pieces of shit -- April Lewis, me.
I struggle with verbalizing why Alessandra is so meh to me. I should like this. She's camp, her song's uptempo, she was even decent on the night (after being bad literally every other time she had to perform). WHAT IS MISSING HERE?! WHY IS THIS ENTRY NOT AS GOOD AS ADVERTISED?
The issue really is that Queen of Kings is kind of boring. When you think about it, it's just a bunch of uptempo nothing carried by dumb lyrics and a basic techno beat. [ed.: you will NEVER be Cecilia] When Alessandra showed up in MGP (which was bad) and unexpectedly beat Ulrikke (who was attempting a Husavík - embarrassing) it was great though, in part BECAUSE she was basic and relied heavily on the live autotune. (lol you forgot MGP had live autotune, didn't you?). To finally have something, anything upbeat in what looked like a pretty meh pool, Norway temporarily gave me a lifeline I could cling to during these dire times of need! NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN STOP THE SPREAD OF A WITCH!!! SHE WILL BE THE WARRIOR OF THE NORTHERN SILENT SEAS!!!
And that is the ONLY reason Alessandra made it as far as she did on my ranking.
But then, things got better. Promise happened. Carpe Diem happened and Cha Cha Cha happened. Gustaph and Vesna, whom I had doubts about at the time improved drastically at the contest. Mimicat and Loreen and Pasha delivered as expected. There weren't many good entries (compared to 2022 and especially 2021), but a few did show themselves. Norway meanwhile, were on their fourth shallow meme entry in a row and enough. Time to try something else girlies. Why couldn't this televote result have gone to Edgar instead? (lol I have harsh words for that one too, but patience, children, first we have smaller fish to fry)
Ultimately, "Queen of Kings" was vaguely camp Eurovision pulp at its silliest and most scuffed (the fucking NERVE NRK had to try and frame it as a ~Secretly Complex Bisexual Anthem~ like, literally: die), but I find those traits more charming in filler entries nobody has high expectations for (Solo is HERE to stay for a while, and you will deal) and kinda embarrassing in overrated fanfave beasts designed to steal televotes from the plucky underdogs that truly deserved them. But hey, maybe that's just me. 🤷♀️
THE RANKING
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One Final ESC 2023 Thought: Favorite Songs From Each Country (participating AND non-participating)!
AAAAA I'M SO SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH FOR A WHILE! I just...never got around to my finale before we get to some fun Junior Eurovision 2023/Eurovision 2024 stuff! So here is my finale: Where I share my favorite songs from each country in Eurovision from 2009 to the present.
So, how is this going to work? I'm going alphabetically because it's easier to do it like that. I'm giving you my top 2 from each country, but not the placements. If you want those, they're on the Eurovision website (I will put the year down though). Now, let's get to it!
Albania: "World" by Lindita (2017)/"Ktheju Tokës" by Jonida Maliqi (2019)
Andorra: "La Teva Decisió (Get A Life)" by Susanne Georgi (2009)
Armenia: "Future Lover" by Brunette (2023)/"Not Alone" by Aram MP3 (2014)
Australia: "Promise" by Voyager (2023)/"Sound Of Silence" by Dami Im (2016)
Austria: "Who The Hell Is Edgar?" by Teya & Salena (2023)/"I Am Yours" by The MakeMakes (2015)
Azerbaijan: "Hold Me" by Farid Mammadov (2013)/"Fade To Black" by Nadir Rustalmi (2022)
Belarus: "Forever" by Alekseev (2018)/"Eyes That Never Lie" by Petr Elfimov (2009)
Belgium: "Rhythm Inside" by Loïc Nottet (2015)/"The Wrong Place" by Hooverphonic (2021)
Bosnia & Herzegovina: "Korake Ti Znam" by Maya Sar (2012)/"Ljubav Je" by Jalal & Deen/Ana Rucner/Jala (2016)
Bulgaria: "If Love Was A Crime"/"Na Inat" both by Poli Genova (2016 & 2011 respectively)
Croatia: "Guilty Pleasure" by Mia Dimsic (2022)/"Tick Tock" by Albina (2021)
Cyprus: "Alter Ego" by Minus-One (2016)/"El Diablo" by Elena Tsagrinou (2021)
Czechia: "Lights Off" by Domi (2022)/"My Sister's Crown" by Vesna (2023)
Denmark: Øve Os På Hinanden" by Fyr og Flamme (2021)/"Only Teardrops" by Emmelie de Forest (2013)
Estonia: "Goodbye To Yesterday" by Elina Born & Stig Rastä (2015)/"Rändajad" by Urban Symphony (2009)
Finland: "Something Better" by Softengine (2014)/"Jezebel" by The Rasmus (2022)
France: "L'enfer et moi" by Amandine Bourgeois (2013)/"Évidemment" by La Zarra (2023)
Georgia: "Warrior" by Nina Sublatti (2015)/"Echo" by Iru (2023)
Germany: "Taken By A Stranger" by Lena (2011)/"Ghost" by Jamie-Lee (2016)
Greece: "Die Together" by Amanda Tenfjord (2022)/"Aphrodisiac" by Eleftheria Eleftheriou (2012)
Hungary: "What About My Dreams?" by Kati Wolf (2011)/"Running" by Andra Kallay-Saunders (2014)
Iceland: "Hear Them Calling" by Greta Salome (2016)/"10 Years" by Daði Freyr (2021)
Ireland: "Playing With Numbers" by Molly Sterling (2015)/"That's Rich" by Brooke (2022)
Israel: "Same Heart" by Mei Finegold (2014)/"Rak Bishvilo" by Moran Mazor (2013)
Italy: "La Mia Città" by Emma (2014)/"ZITTI E BUONI" by Måneskin (2021)
Latvia: "Aijā" by Sudden Lights (2023)/"Love Injected" by Aminata (2015)
Lithuania: "Stay" by Monika Linkyte (2023)/"Discoteque" by The Roop (2021)
*can't wait to see Luxembourg next year!!!*
Malta: "This Is The Night" by Kurt Calleja (2012)/"Je Me Casse" by Destiny (2021)
Moldova: "O Mie" by Aliona Moon (2013)/"Run Away" by Sunstroke Project & Olia Tira (2010)
Montenegro: "Adio" by Knez (2015)/"Breathe" by Vladana (2022)
Netherlands: "Arcade" by Duncan Laurence (2019) *CONGRATS ON 1B SPOTIFY STREAMS!*/"De Diepte" by S10 (2022)
North Macedonia: "Crno I Belo" by Kaliopi (2012)/"Jas Ja Imam Silata" by Gjoko Taneski (2010)
Norway: "Fairytale" by Alexander Rybak (2009)/"Queen Of Kings" by Alessandra (2023)
Poland: "Flashlight" by Kasia Moś (2017)/"River" by Ochman (2022)
Portugal: "Amar Pelos Dois" by Salvador Sobral (2017)/"Vida Minha" by Filipa Sousa (2012)
Romania: "Playing With Fire" by Paula Seling & Ovi (2010)/"Amnesia" by Roxen (2021)
*I would like to look into which artists do NOT support the war before sharing my favorites for Russia*
San Marino: "Adrenalina" by Senhit & Flo Rida (2021)/"Stand By" by Senhit (2011) *yes...same artist 10 years apart*
Serbia: "Samo Mi Se Spava" by Luke Black (2023)/"Goodbye (Shelter)" by Sanja Vučić ZAA (2016)
Slovakia: "Horehronie" by Kristina Pelakova (2010)/"Don't Close Your Eyes" by Max Jason Mai (2012)
Slovenia: "Carpe Diem" by Joker Out (2023)/"No One" by Maja Keuc (2011)
Spain: "Quedate Conmigo" by Pastora Soler (2012)/"Dancing In The Rain" by Ruth Lorenzo (2014)
Sweden: "Heroes" by Måns Zelmerlöw (2015)/"Popular" by Eric Saade (2011)
Switzerland: "Tout l'univers"/"Répondez-moi" both by Gjon's Tears (2021 & 2020 respectively)
Turkey: "We Could Be The Same" by maNga (2010)/"Dum Tek Tek" by Hadise (2009)
Ukraine: "Under The Ladder" by Mélovin (2018)/"Time" by O. Torvald (2017)
United Kingdom: "I Wrote A Song" by Mae Muller (2023)/"Never Give Up On You" by Lucie Jones (2017)
Thank you so much for joining me this year! Looking forward to the new year of Eurovision stuff!
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