#messy chaotic strong flawed yet perfection

[sailingfireshipz]

Alright! Yall said, "Let it rip so you know the drill! Grab yourself a little snacky snack & let's unpack this shit.

I find it funny how people are trying to misconstrue the problem that we have with the way Pascal is acting & treating Stella. No one has said Stella was right in the manner in which she approached him in episode 1. Hell Kelly called her out on it & Stella herself admitted it. My issue lies in the fact that regardless of episode 1, it appears that Pascal has given his other LTs a level of grace & understanding that he is not giving Stella. So I genuinely want to know why. And if episode 1 is his why, then it goes back to what I said preseason about Stella's mistakes (minor compared to those of others, her husband included) following her. Stella being held to different standards & expectations than her male peers.

If episode 1 is not his reason then I'm left to assume & those assumptions lead me to facts that are rooted in systemic misogyny, racism & sexism.

1. Stella is the only female WOC LT at Firehouse 51.

2. Stella is a younger LT compared to what the CFD is accustomed to seeing per the chief comments in 9x03

2a. Also let's keep in mind the conversation she had with Carver in 11x01. When Stella came home she told Kelly that when she told Carver she got support from DC Hill & his response was "that makes sense" as if she was incapable of earning the shit on her own accord or merrit but implying Stella got a leg up because she was a WOC. Are we forgetting how Stella even met DC Hill? DC Hill came to 51 looking for the FIREFIGHTER that got control of the rig & prevented an accident with civilians. That firefighter was Stella Freaking Kidd.

3. Maybe Pascal thinks less of Stella because she's married/dated a coworker. He could have the same perception that "she slept her way to top"that was expressed in 9x03.

Some observations that I'd like to consider as we unpack his behavior.

1. Pascal brought up turnover on truck yet didn't have the wherewithal to look at the files of the firefighters who transferred out? We've seen that every time someone transfers out, there's a transfer slip that has to be completed. He would have seen Mason & Gallo didn't get transferred to another house within the CFD. He would have saw that they literally are in different STATES still firefighting. I honestly don't know what Gibsons would have said but it would have shown that only one of her FFs that was under her command is no longer on the job.

2. Why was Pascal so QUICK to believe Damon's (White male) word & opinion of Stella over Stella's request to put him back in the floater pool? Stella has been at 51 as a firefighter & LT LONGER than Damon has been a fucking firefighter! So you mean to tell me you're about to strip a LT who has received the firefighter award for valor based off the word of a firefighter who came to 51 as a floater & per Kelly in 13x04 relatively fresh out the academy!? Yall see how insane that sounds right?

3. The only reason Pascal changed his tune on Stella in 13x03 was after Mouch brought him her files/records. So my next question is, why did it take another white male to help sway him? I'm not saying he had to take Stella's word outright but it's the fact that he absolutely SHUT her down & redirected the blame back on her & her "lack of leadership" without investigating the facts. He claims to be all about rules & protocols yet failed to effectively do his research on the situation prior to going to Mouch & asking if he'd be ready to take the LT exam if he needed him...? Huuuuuuh?? I love Mouch, but someone point me to the major save or rescue he did this season so far to "prove himself" to Pascal.... oh wait, he hasn't had one, but you know who has... more on that later.

4. So after Mouch literally saves the night because he himself felt it necessary to go to this man's house off shift at night to bring him her records. Pascal does the right thing & tells Stella to make sure the next replacement on 81 sticks. So what does Stella do!? Does she drag her feet? Does she ignore his orders? Nope she gets right on it. She knew who she wanted but was STILL vetting other candidates because she wanted to make the best informed decision. Yet Pascal was at her neck again saying she was overthinking it. It had been 2-3 shifts MAX. It seems like Stella is showcasing leadership skills that Pascal should be because good leaders don't make important decisions lightly or without all the facts. They research they do their homework they vet out the low hanging fruit to ensure the best decision is made for the betterment of the house.

5. Hermann overheard Pascal & out of HIS mouth, he said Pascal had Stella so stressed out that if she didn't find a replacement for truck, he'd have her bugles. So again, that's not us making the shit up it's quite literally implied in the dialogue that clearly people are picking up the energy & animosity Pascal has towards her. So again, I'm asking where the professionalism is, or is Stella the only one required to be professional?

6. So now I want to talk about Kelly & Pascals interaction in 13x05. It honestly felt like Pascal said that shit to Kelly to see if Kelly would react. We watched Pascal go to LT Vales house & physically assault him for a conversation Vale had with Monica... so clearly he's very protective of his wife so why would he think Kelly would be the person to call Stella an asshole to? That shit was so uncalled for & CHILDISH because if Kelly had punched him in the fucking stomach then what?

At the end of the day before Kelly is Stella's husband he is her peer when they are on shift so again why are you talking shit about one of your direct reports to another direct report?

It sort of felt like a powerplay because Pascal has already brought up to Kelly about him & Stella working together & that he'd be keeping an eye on them. Then he goes & makes that comment knowing that Kelly probably won't respond to it out of fear that he'll throw them being married in his face again if he defends her.

So what we're not about to do is try to normalize or justify Pascals behavior based on the argument that "Stella shouldn't have mouthed off or challenged him." Because honestly, we've seen Kelly & Casey go head to head with Boden & other chiefs, commissioners, etc. when they felt passionately about something (right, wrong, indifferent, they've done it). Not saying what Stella did was right or absolving her from accountability but we're not about to act like she yelled at him & told him to go fuck off! She should've handled herself differently but she shouldn't have to continue to bear the brunt of his twisted ass power plays or whatever the hell he's power tripping on.

He doesn't have to like her & as far as I'm concerned she doesn't have to like him but hell bare minimum he needs to start acting like Battalion Chief with 20+ years on the job versus a petty ass manchild who's mad the girl on the playground embarrassed him in front of his friends.

And I don't want to hear about "Stella hasn't been challenged or Boden let her get away with blah blah or Boden didnt make her "prove" herself & that maybe if she "proves" herself he'll give her a break.

Hard stop, NO! Kelly hasn't had to prove himself. Hermann hasn't had to prove himself. So WHY TF would Stella have to "prove" herself to this man? Like i mentioned before, the playing field needs to be fair across the board for all of them. If anything, Stella has proven herself because she's the one who pulled Damon out of that collapsed sign. She's the one who saw Ritter laying there & still gave clear, concise direction to her truck company (instead of getting all emotional like they think women are going to act in times of crisis 🙄) She took the case in 13x05 & ran with it. Kelly was with her in one scene investigating those crashes. After that, Stella was the one making house calls & following up. Yet at the end of the episode, they had Kelly debriefing the chief on the outcome of the case & not Stella... WHY? At minimum, Stella should have been there & they could have used it as a moment to have them move forward. Instead, they used it as a way to have him add fuel to the fire with that backhanded compliment laced in disrespect by saying she's a pain in the ass & i don't know why!?

Do i think Pascal is a racist, misogynistic, sexist POS sent to uphold the CREEKY views of the CFD? Idk 🤷‍♀️ but what i do know is if it walks, if it talks if it looks then it just might fit. Because there's a clear distinction in how he has handled Stella over the last 4 episodes versus everyone else. & if he's none of those things & he's still just hurt over being challenged by her in episode 1, then I say this with care, but it's time to build a bridge & get over it because I'm tired.

So, in conclusion..... Dom Pascal

When you're referring to anyone at 51 but especially Stella Kidd. 😌

[sailingfireshipz]

Sad but true

Reason why ppl hate Stella:

She's a woman.

She's a woman of color.

She's a woman of color and Lt.

She's a woman of color, Lt, and married with Kelly.

She's a woman of color, Lt, married with Kelly and the lead female of the show.

As we can see, all of this is a personal problem for stupid reasons: misogynist, racist, toxic masculinity and jealous.

stella really can’t win against this fandom that always seems to be against her. it like nothing she does is going to be enough for people

[dotthings]

Wow, yeah, that’s a lot to process.

One thing is how the Jedi here get to be so messy, and flawed, and vulnerable. They messed up. Without it being going to the dark side or ill-intent.

Nothing about Star Wars has ever intended to say the Jedi order was perfect, or Jedi are perfect, unfeeling, always serene who can do no wrong and don’t ever battle with their emotions. It can be messy and they can screw up without it being an epic downspiral into the dark side.

Torbin’s a restless kid who hasn’t yet learned the patience he needs to be a fully effective Jedi. Master Indara tries to guide him and keep everyone on her team from going off the rails and she does her best but she can’t keep things from falling apart.

Indara’s wise, calm, strategic, diplomatic, and her team should have listened to her or this maybe could have been avoided.

Poor Kelnacca, like Torbin, gets mind-controlled by the witches, and a mind-controlled Jedi wookie, that’s just adding to the chaos.

Sol acted entirely on emotion in ways that are exactly what the Jedi warn against, but the problem isn’t inherently that he led with his heart and his feelings, it’s that he allowed that to cloud his judgment so badly. Even if Torbin is actually the one who pulls them all back into the fortress and it sort of spirals from there, it’s not Torbin’s fault, per se. It’s Sol’s attachment to Osha that’s the main driver and how that governed his actions.

It’s also not simple where it’s Jedi bad. They thought they were doing the right thing, but lack of ill-intentions doesn’t mean they were in the right to intrude the way they did. This is also a situation with multiple pov and misunderstandings from both sides. It also shows how conflict can explode even in a situation where most of the players go into it wanting to avoid violence.

There were wild cards on both sides. The Jedi themselves, Mae’s fire (not blaming Mae, she immediately was terrified and regretful and didn’t realize how it would spread, but hey, making things even spicier and more chaotic, throw some fire into the mix). Mother Koril leads with aggression, which was a contributing factor.

Mother Aniseya is a mirror for Indara—both of them are calm, measured, and conduct themselves in ways designed to de-escalate and avoid violence. But they weren’t enough to keep it from spiraling.

Everything that could have gone wrong, did.

Then Sol makes a terrible choice where if he’d tried to hold both twins with the force as the bridge collapsed, he’d lose them both. He’s not strong enough to hold both sides of the broken bridge. So he makes a choice.

And after all that, the part that actually hurts the most, is Indara and Sol’s decision to lie. I appreciate that Sol wanted to tell the truth, and face up to his mistakes, and Indara—so calm, so wise, so competent—is the one who pressures him to lie. And again, with good intentions—because she wants to spare Osha the pain of learning the truth.

It’s heartbreaking. The fact that Master Sol lied is what I think Osha’s bond with him won’t be able to recover from the most when she finds out the truth.

I wonder how much these events haunted the Jedi order. If the story gets told and used as a cautionary tale.

There’s also a cohesion thematically between these events to the prequel trilogy, and The Clone Wars. The flaws and weaknesses of the Jedi order. Which, in their attempt to course correct, might have actually compounded the issues.

[msexplorer]

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face.

Not because my life is perfect or that I have everything under control..

Not even close.

I’m a perfectly imperfect person, wonderfully flawed and chaotically beautiful in the most unique ways.

When I started appreciating the parts of me that were awkward, messy and weird, I began to see the beauty of who I truly was.

I stopped thinking I wasn’t doing enough, trying hard enough or being enough.

I was more than all of that.

I was being the best version of myself and I know now that’s all I can expect from myself.

I may stumble out of the house with disastrous hair, dropping things as I go, but that’s just how I roll.

I’ll never be perfect and I’m really, really good with that.

I don’t want to be.

I want to experience all the amazing moments of my life just as I am- I’ve worked hard to get where I am and now I deserve to celebrate how far I’ve come…

Not beat myself up because I’m not where I thought I would be.

I have time- there are always more tomorrows in which I can keep moving forward, working hard and chasing my dreams.

My goals don’t have an expiration, so I don’t care where I’m not and what I haven’t done yet, but how I enjoy and learn from the journey.

I know some people may look at my messy everything and shake their head..they just don’t get me.

The thing is, the people that love me do understand and appreciate me- and that’s all I could ever want or ask for.

So, forgive me if I don’t get caught up in what the world thinks of me, because I have more important things to do..like living a full life.

Like being a strong warrior,

Like having a loving heart of gold,

Like having deep talks, beautiful moments and finding the joy in the little things all around me.

Whether it’s a beautiful sunrise, a memorable song playing or the feel of a warm breeze in my hair..

I’m all in when it comes to making the most of my life, my moments and my journey.

Maybe I’ll always be a bit of a mess and even sometimes not have a clue where I’m going,

But I’ll always do it my way.

My life won’t ever be built on perfection or being flawless,

But on just choosing to be happy,

Each and every day.

I don’t know about you,

But there’s not much more I could ask for than that.

Because I’ll always be me..and I’ll always be enough.

The Ravenwolf

[mrevaunit42]

Stability (Soul Eater)

Hey everyone, Mr.E hoping you all had a great week! That's right I am slowly getting back into consistent writing! yay! This is the pseudo sequel to the other piece and I hope you enjoy it. I forgot how much I love writing Soma, they're so much fun.The song referenced is called heart and soul by Hoagy Carmichael, a song I highly recommend giving a hear. That's it for me. Stay safe, wash your hands, wear your masks and have a great week!

Summary:  Alone in their apartment, Maka gets caught up in her thoughts as a thunderstorm rages outside. Reflecting, Maka realizes how much Soul has become a stable constant in her life and how far they've come together.

“Soul’s fine. He’s a death scythe.” Maka murmured softly, pacing back and forth across their cozy apartment flat “He’s just gone to the store. He’s fine. Of course he’s fine. He’s too much of an idiot to do something stupid.”

Maka flinched as the thunder boomed overhead without warning, the windows rattling under the force of the sound.

Maka wasn’t afraid of thunder per say, she just wasn’t a fan.

She sighed tiredly, staring at her haggard appearance in the mirror: Her face sagged and twisted in a worried expression, her signature pigtails were uneven and mismatched lengths while her green eyes seemed dim and lifeless.

She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to focus her wandering thoughts onto something, anything that wasn’t Soul.

It was pretty impressive how deeply her partner managed to insert himself into her entire existence.

They lived together. They worked together. They sat in a comfortable silence together with her reading a book while he scrawled musical notes.

Even her trademark pigtails were a product of Soul’s work rather than hers. Given his usual spiky choice of hair (that took an embarrassingly large amount of hair gel and effort but shh don’t tell anyone) he was better at styling and maintaining it. Maka could barely manage this mess of a hairstyle in the 10 minutes the white haired death scythe had been gone.

Soul, for all his faults and infuriating behavior, was her stability.

Stability.

Maka’s life hadn’t exactly been the smoothest of rides and while she wouldn’t change any of it, she privately admitted it did leave some holes in her upbringing.

Papa, oh lord her papa, might’ve been a womanizer, irresponsible mess of a man but she basked in the quiet pride he treated his role as Lord Death’s personal scythe. When it came down to it, he took his duty to her and the world seriously, refusing to back down even when facing his own demise. A man who was not scum but someone she could respect and admire.

If only he had the rest of his life put together she would be able to show him more respect publicly. Just because he did his job well did not give him an excuse to be lax in his personal choices and responsibility. Even if they are closer after the whole battle to the death on the moon.

Mama, Maka’s hero and role model. Her biggest inspiration and the most respected person in her life. A woman on the highest pedestal Maka could place someone on.

Maka used to say a person who could do no wrong but now that she was older, wiser her mother seemed less like a perfect being and more like a talented yet ultimately flawed parent.

She still admired her strength for leaving her father to pursue her own life, to move forward from a failed marriage with a well meaning but unchanging man. That hadn’t changed.

But

Maka wished she was physically present more. Her post cards, which once were a source of happiness, now were met with conflict. Yes it was nice she was enjoying her time aboard, living her life and completing important work yet Maka felt lonely. She couldn’t recall the last time she held her mother, talked to her longer than a few minutes on a phone call. She had moved forward with her life without her mother and begrudgingly dragging her father.

She followed her mother’s example to the letter growing up: Men were scum, she should rely only on herself and she would create the next death scythe. Maka just added the whole youngest death scythe meister herself. Just as a little personal goal.

Maka grew up fast but she also missed out on a lot of her life: Mama never taught her how to braid her hair, to cook or how to do taxes. Maka learned most of that stuff on her own.

Until Soul came into the picture.

Soul put up an unnecessary cool, distant persona into their partnership at first but he also brought her a gift she never realized she so desperately needed: Stability.

Her world was constant jumble mess of an unrelenting drive and an inability of backing down from any challenge.

Soul, ironically, was the cool and collected of the two despite his questionable decisions from time to time.

She didn’t know what to think about the strange noises he produced with his piano nor did she understand how exposed he left himself to her that night. She just felt drawn to him, a conflicting yet balancing soul to her own. She just felt they would work, that with his help she could achieve anything.

It was an intoxicating feeling to be honest. When she was younger, she assumed it was a freedom he drew out in her. Now she understood it wasn’t freedom, it was comfort. A soothing presence to quell her aching loneliness. A constant in her chaotic life.

No matter what happened: the black blood, the dissonance in their souls, the angelic flight, Soul was there every step of the way, refusing to abandon her like her father, like her mother.

Maka cringed at the memory of the book of Eibon. That had been an embarrassingly low point for her but Soul refused to give up on her. On them.

Her heart skipped a beat and Maka could feel her cheeks burn a bright pink as she remembered Soul’s appearance in the book.

Could it be that he….?

“Maka! I’m home.”

Maka frozen, caught off guard by the trudging figure of Soul, wrapped heavily in a thick jacket with the triple wrapped groceries.

He shivered as the warmth of the apartment washed over him.

“Maka?”

Maka snapped out of her stupor “Here Soul! I was just….”

Soul’s ruby red eyes glanced her way, raising an eyebrow as he took in her appearance.

“Tried making your own pigtails again?” Soul questioned, gently placing the groceries onto the counter.  

Are you okay? Soul asked silently, unable to keep the worry out of his face.

“Y-yeah! I figured I’d give it a shot! It’s embarrassing you still have to do my pigtails. Imagine if Blackstar found out.”

I’m okay she answered without words.

Soul gave a little “Hmph.” as he slipped out of his jacket, hanging it on the coat rack by the door before making his way closer to his meister.

“Here. Before you hurt yourself.” Soul carefully took one of the uneven, messy pigtails in his hand, undoing it while gesturing with his chin “Sofa.”

Maka nodded, sitting cross legged on the floor as Soul took a seat behind her.

Her tense body relaxed as Soul softly ran his fingers through her hair

“Braids or pigtails?”

Maka tilted her head back, staring at her weapon in an upside down fashion.

“Braids? You hate doing braids.”

Soul’s eyes shifted to the side, refusing to look at Maka directly “Yeah they’re a real bitch but I need to make sure I can still do it. Never know when you’re gonna decide to go on a date. No one needs to know you can’t do your own pigtails until after you get married.”

Maka snorted loudly.

“Yeah yeah.” Soul rolled his eyes, carefully twisting her hair into a braid “You say you want to be a spinster but one day you’re gonna find the least scummy guy in existence and be like ‘yeah I think I’m gonna compromise my standards for this one.’”

“Maybe. I hate compromising.” Maka mumbled into her knees.

Soul paused for a moment “No book?” Maka sighed in relief as Soul’s hands returned to work.

“Not today.”

Boom.

The thunder violently rocked the windows once more and Maka shivered under the noise.

“Any requests?” Soul asked, resting his hand on her shoulder.

Maka took his hand in hers, squeezing it tightly as she whispered “You know which one.”

“Alright but don’t get the wrong idea okay? I happen to like singing that one.”

Soul cleared his throat, his hums filling their apartment like a private orchestra just for her. She reached for his soul, a calm warming presence she grew to love.

She closed her eyes as the sounds of a piano played in her ears, the soft keys joining Soul as he sang

“Heart and Soul, I fell in love with you. Heart and Soul, the way a fool would do.”

Maka closed her eyes and leaned against Soul as he carefully worked to finish the braid, his voice clear and strong as her favorite song drowned out the thunder and the world.

There was only Soul and Maka.

A sound heart and a sound soul.

Together.

And she wouldn’t have it any other way.

[jvnisms-blog]

♡♡          hey babes !! it’s ya gal charmi at it again, the mun of azami, with yet another chaotic child on my hands. meet jung woojin and find out more about him below the cut & hit me up for plots or like this and i will slide into your messages !! before you read on please be aware of these triggers: tw: eating disorder mention, tw: depression mention, tw: anxiety mention, tw: self harm mention, tw: parental death mention, tw: suicide mention, tw: domestic abuse mention. all of these are brief and very vague however i want y’all to be safe !! without further ado: 

BACKSTORY: 

was in and out of the adoption system most of his life and went to many toxic homes and families that were neglectful or abusive because he wasn't the perfect child they had dreamed of. at first thought he was never going to be fostered at all because he wasn't the ideal age or considered young enough really for many family setups to want him. 

was separated from his brother in the adoption system and has never fully got over it since they grew up closer than ever due to their circumstances and were more like twins. strongly believing for a long time they were the only ones who could look out for each other and make the miserable upbringing worth fighting through. he still believes he's the only one who can really protect his brother and tears himself apart thinking of how he might have suffered without him, if it was the same way he did. 

the father died of alcohol issues and early set heart failure. the mother decided in her grief and mourning she could not cope with the boys and got rid of them before taking her own life. both parents were fairly young when they had the boys, too young really. 

the boy grew up believing he was a monster and that he was far too violent for loving or to be loved. that he only brought destruction and damage everywhere he went. simply put he was too rough around the edges. 

was taught to believe that if he simply kept quiet and out of the way maybe his foster parents would love him more and he could make his life there more bearable.

his school and teachers did nearly find out but he always lied and covered it up well, in fact lying became increasingly easy because he didn't believe there was anything better waiting for him anyway, he did not want to be saved and a part of him still wanted to pray for the best in his foster parents, a sudden change. a part of him thought he was strong enough to deal with their violence bestowed upon him now. 

of course though this made him a very angry kid with a lot of secrets and a lot of pain he had to keep buried, a lot of the time he became too agressive with his friends and people who attempted to help him because it was all he knew, agressive spat out hurtful words and rash actions that are just a touch too brutal. a shove, words spat in faces. he's trying to be better though, he really is. he doesn't want to hurt or break things anymore. that's all. 

he's beaten up a lot, he tends to brush it off with a 'it happens' or 'it wasn't a big deal' when his ribs end up broken and he's taping them up himself etc.

some nervous dispositions that have stuck are things such as shaking a lot, folding arms in on himself and making himself appear smaller, biting his nails down over excessively.

abandoned foster child who fell prey to the system and came out worse for it because of it all is basically his whole niche. 

a lot of things become an argument even when he doesn't intend it, apologies can come out more like taunting. he can be sharp tongued and ugly with his words. 

in turn he's bad at accepting apologies even when he knows deep down things are his own fault. he struggles to find words that don't burn and hurt and take. he just doesn't know how to do comfort, he thinks he has the idea sometimes but he is scared to reach out and give the wrong touch, end up hurting more instead. 

he has an issue with touching in general. he doesn't let himself do it much, doesn't bestow it on others. he knows what he can be capable of how he can't control his own strength and he is terrified of himself.* biggest promise to himself is that he never hurts anyone even in the smallest way even when its justified in an emotional breakdown or when he is trying to keep himself from being abandoned once again. he won't let himself. 

' you know what they say about monsters. you know what happens to the people who love them. are you going to do that?' even if no one else is afraid of him. he is afraid of himself.

' your hands don't know how to be gentle, think about the last beautiful thing that shattered in your palms. the fresh rosebuds crumbling between your fingers like a bruise. you wolf boy, you war machine. you wouldn't know how to hold something magic and not destroy it...' 

is littered in bruises and scars and burn marks. 

CURRENT LIFE: 

since moving to daegu he has slowly made progress, healed, gotten better. he has worked away at himself until he made himself more of a tragic masterpiece than a messy splash of unfinished painting and blurry mottled colours. 

he lives with four friends, close friends who have been with him through everything and taught him how to healthily feel not only happiness and love but also let go of and exhale all of that pain and anger and violence he could not control. that was not his own but haunted him. aching to be placed somewhere else than inside his body which was too small to feel such hurt and heartbreak.

he got therapy after many tries with many therapists who botched up he eventually found one who worked and helped him look for new hobbies which would channel and turn his pessimistic and negative energy and burdens into something more beautiful or better managed. he slowly learned to trust himself at least a little bit more once again. she also helped him on a journey of distance without isolation so he could understand he would not do the harm he always imagined he was the root of. 

when he leaves his family, it is in the middle of the night with packed bags and not much else to his name. he thinks it'll be easier on everyone that way, no letters or texts or calls. in fact he breaks his phone and switches it out for a cheap new one when he's ready to be contacted once again. there are no goodbyes.

he spends four years just crashing on his friend's floor of their apartment who are a couple who practically raise him and take him under their wing and simply accept him in all his flawed and closed off excellence, simply listening and accepting and providing a safe haven without expectations of any kind. 

he works on painting, writing, gardening anything that will teach him how to love and nurture better than he did before. to see beauty and nourish it instead of destroy it or twist it. he learns piano finding romance in the music. 

he got over his eating disorder and began cooking, become a rather skilled chef with his friends help and had more regular meals especially under his guidance when he couldn't cook then the other would do it for him. feeding him steadily every day to build his appetite back up again. 

he took more care to exercise and keep his body and health much more good, nothing amazing but finally the average. he also got a couple jobs all that would help him with communication and learning new talents or discovering his own further.

slowly he stopped flinching every time someone tried to touch or did touch him. small touches from his friends ease him along, an arm slung around his shoulders, a hand in his own, a gentle hug. he finds a makeshift home and love and happiness where everyone isn't trying overly hard to find a way to nurse it into him.

eventually recently he has came to a point where he can cancel his therapy sessions comfortably and flush those pills to help with that anxiety and unbearable sadness. somehow he learns how to breathe again all by himself without someone else coaching him through it all.

EXTRA: 

woojin is gay so romance plots are only applicable to other male muses however in the past before he knew of his sexuality he could’ve had an ex girlfriend or two!

potential romance plot inspiration heavily inspired by the poem yes & no by natalie wee. there’s a lot of flexibility on this one in terms of timeframing so just hit me up to discuss it more after reading the poem if you’re interested !!

the usual plots are of course up for grabs: childhood best friend, current best friend, ex’s, first love, friends he met through therapy, friends he met in the foster system, confidant, coffee fix partner, fake dating, study partner ( he’s studying music ofc and he specializes in production ), someone he writes lyrics for, someone he writes lyrics with or produces with, someone who makes him realize how amazing his lyrics actually are and how much potential lies within that talent as a career goal, his muse, i imagine he works a part time job as a waiter so do with that what u will maybe they can be work buddies?, also does babysitting every now and then for extra cash, etc. 

[thehappymessproject]

77-79/100 - 5 steps to train our perseverance muscle

Yesterday, I forgot to write. My daily structure is very challenged at the moment, so things slip through. Between the 75th and the 76th day of my challenge, a week passed. When I sprained my elbow and was forced to physically rest, I realised I was in great need of rest, not only physically, so I decided to take the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve off. 

Some might consider this as a failure of my 100 days project. I call it self-perseveration and know it’s key to make change last. 

Perseverance is a tricky business when it comes to us regulating ourselves. There is only one way to truly and sustainably discipline ourselves : with love. And yet, most of us use mainly self-abuse to that end. 

Here are a few steps that make it easier for me to implement change in a sustainable loving way : 

1. Start with where you’re at 

Ok, you’re imperfect. Welcome to the human club, don’t worry, we are all in the same boat. You don’t have to change at all. But if you want to, you are going to have to deal with imperfection. 

It is very important that we start from where we are at instead of dwelling on where we would want to be. I started to change my relationship with writing bit by bit. 

I started by cultivating intention : I spent a few months trying to write more. And experimented from there. I would spend more time playing with my Instagram captions, telling little stories about my art, writing 6 words prompted stories... I journaled more and more, because I learnt that journaling liberates our writing. I wrote a couple of articles for my professional blog, started a project with an artist I know.

I only started this challenge when I felt so frustrated about not writing regularly that I kept thinking about it and being mean to myself about not doing it. And after I had done earlier in the year 100 days of creative living, after doing a few yoga and art 30 days challenges to first feel that I am actually capable of persevering in anything. 

As much as I wanted to write before that, I had to accept that I had to honour my pace, respect the rhythm of my process. 

We need to make sure we start where we are at, because it’s the only way that will give us the time and space we all need to grow (in any kind of way). Trying to fast track growth actually hinders it. 

2. Taking stock : mapping our weaknesses

Ok, here is a part that is as uncomfortable as it can be empowering. To actually implement change, we need to know how we are actively sabotaging ourselves. If you think you never sabotage yourself, think again. 

Maybe we set impossible goals, leading us inevitably to “I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it”.  Maybe we spend more time thinking about things than actually doing them.  Maybe we procrastinate.  Maybe we avoid any thoughts about what matters to us.  Maybe we’re waiting for “the perfect time”.  Maybe each time we would have time and space to do something important to ourselves we end up involving ourselves in drama (yours or others’) instead. Maybe we act as if our anxiety (”what if this terrible thing would happen to me? and this one? and that?”) isn’t about stories, but actual facts.  Maybe we agonise over every details so much that we never even start, or stop ourselves midway because it’s not as we imagined it would be. Maybe we use self-deprecation and criticism until we feel so bad that we don’t even try.  Maybe we keep looking and engaging in situations we know will make us give up/fail when it gets hard.  Maybe we keep yourself so busy that we can’t even think or feel what makes you suffer.  Maybe we numb ourselves each day with TV, food or substances.  Maybe we keep finding things you “need” to do to be more prepared to do what really matters to us.  Or any of the endless list of ways humans use to avoid facing who they are, what they feel and want. 

I am myself guilty of a few of those. Most of us are when we are honest with ourselves. We also can be guilty of them, but not in every circumstance.  Like : I will use excuses to avoid exercise (”it’s going to be too hard”, “I don’t feel motivated enough”...) that I would never accept from myself in an intellectual endeavour, where I would brush it off immediately (”yes it’s scary, it’s not a reason to stall, let’s go”). 

A few questions to start you off :  What do you think are the worst things to feel or situations to be in regarding change/doing new/hard things? What do you do to avoid feeling like this, even if it means you won’t achieve what you wanted? When you tried to persevere but didn’t : how did you stop yourself? What happened exactly before you gave up?  When you tried to persevere, what personal flaws do you link to your failure to keep going?

We often think that reflecting on our weaknesses will make us feel bad and discouraged from even trying. It is actually the opposite. When we avoid facing them, they sneak up on us and devastate us. When we know how we sabotage ourselves and accept it, we then can plan how we are going to use this knowledge to our advantage.

3. Make contingency plans 

This is SO SO important. Most of us start recovery or change as if it will be this perfect learning curve, without any mistake or hardship, or the need to change the way we do things. As if motivation was the only thing that matters. 

But recovery and change are both messy businesses. And they both include to change the way we react to triggering or changing situations. 

Since I started this challenge, I had to devise a few contingency plans. Instead of essays, when I am exhausted, completely depleted or very short on times, I will often resort to make lists that are helpful to me. That’s how you will find lists of things I love, for which I am grateful for the hardest days. I will write about topics that are more comfortable and easy for me, or require less brain power. I will start a longer essay so I don’t feel pressured to even reread myself since I won’t publish. I often write essays that 750-1000 words long. When it gets really hard, I don’t force myself to do more than 500 words, the minimum I decided to write everyday for that 100 days project.

All of those alternative plans have the same function : giving me a maximum of flexibility so I can persevere in a loving way, making permanent changes instead of performing change only for a while. 

4. Cultivate mindful flexibility 

This one is very linked to the former point. Anything that is too rigid is bound to lead us to failure. Life is messy, humanity is messy, therefore change can only be messy and chaotic. 

I am not advocating for a perpetual change of goals, which is often a sign of a lack of commitment and avoidance. I am advocating for a change in the way we go towards those goals. 

I started this challenge by publishing everyday, but since I am still writing long essays, it became more and more frustrating. Until I really couldn’t finish a post one night, was almost in tears about it, and realised that I had settle to write everyday, not post everyday. I then started writing each essay in 2 to 3 days, a rhythm much more adapted to my personality and current mental health and way of writing. 

Now that I’ve done it for a few weeks in this new way, I noticed that : I love having a couple of days to write and reread myself, but I also love to strive towards writing shorter essays. Both ways taught me important things about myself and my process, and by accepting to change “the rules”, I made sure to learn way more than by forcing myself into one unique way of doing it. 

That’s also why I chose to take a week off for the holidays : my last 100 days project left me exhausted and depleted. I clearly pushed myself too hard. I wanted to see what would happen to my momentum if I listened to my fatigue and made my process more flexible. I am so happy I did, the last month of the challenge feels so much more enriching that way (even if it was indeed a bit hard to go back at it). 

Each time we focus more on how we want those challenges to help us become the person we really want to be and to grow instead of solely focusing on the challenge, we make those structures work for us, instead of the opposite, we make those processes more human. 

5. Make it easy to get to the finish line

This challenge was so important to me, I wanted to write everyday about my job so badly, that of course, it was really scary to do so. As exciting as it could also be, and as satisfying as it can get get, doing things that matter to us carry a strong emotional charge.

Because of that, the more important something is to us, the more resistance we are probably going to have to fight on the way. Facing resistance can get really hard. We need to make sure we are loving towards ourselves to resist resistance on the long run.

If you want to set goals, start small, always. If I had tried this 100 days project even a few months before, I would have failed miserably. I created mini challenges and wrote about so many things I liked before this, for years actually. 

I didn’t set up for writing as much as I coud everyday when I planned this challenge. I chose instead a minimum number of words I thought would be doable on a very long term. 500 words takes me about 20-50mn per day, that seemed doable for me given my lifestyle (see #1). If I would have experienced a lot of difficulties, I would have cut the word-count to 250 words, less if necessary. It was more important to find ways to stick to it than to have an actual number of words down everyday.

And all those former points making it easier for me absolutely made it possible on the way. When we take on challenges as if we need to be perfect, we make failure happen each and every time. Those challenges, or anything we want to persevere doing on the long term will make us face our deeply human imperfection. 

Perseverance is hard because it asks us to face ourselves, often with a focus on our least favourite parts of ourselves. 

When we don’t take it easy, all this discomfort will force us to quit, burnt out and disappointed because we did ask too much of ourselves.  When we make it easier, we face our imperfection and tells it “it’s ok to be the way you are, now let’s find a way to make it work”. 

By persevering in a loving way, we learn to love ourselves just as we are, perfectly human and therefore imperfect. We also make our dreams happen, even if most of them will include fear, discomfort and hardship. One step at the time. 

Each mini goal we set up to attain and actually did will make us feel stronger, more confident and trusting our ability to create a life for ourselves that we actually enjoy. 

So... What are you going to work with next?

See you soon,  Love,  L. 

[darktwistydamaged]

✨ Small minds can't comprehend big spirits. To be great, you have to be willing to be mocked, hated, and misunderstood.

✨ "Maybe I'm a pig. Maybe I'm an ass. Maybe I'm a vermin like everybody says but I tell the truth, it's the only thing I've got going for me."

✨ "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - #WinstonChurchill

✨ Don't tell me i'm the prettiest u've seen.Tell me I'm a warrior, tell me I'm stronger than any blows I've taken & that I wear the scars well

✨ A badass crazy, tells the truth. Soft but strong. Knows her worth. Unapologetic & honest. The type of woman u go to war beside not against.

✨ There's fire in her. If loved correctly, she will warm your entire home. If abused she will burn it down.

✨ When someone dies of cancer, we blame the disease. Suicide is a disease, dont blame the victim for losing the fight.

✨ She's a masterpiece of chaotic beauty.

✨ She's like a tornado with pretty eyes & a heartbeat. A stubborn heart, messy mind, reckless soul.

✨ We are masters of unsaid words but slaves of those we let slip out.

✨ She has been through hell, so believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles.

✨ She's fire and ice, you'll fear the cold and crave the burn.

✨ She wears strength and darkness equally well. The girl has always been half goddess, half hell.

✨ She is art. What the fuck do you expect from her other than, confusion, beauty and god damn soul?

✨ Fierce soul. Brave heart. Strong mind.

✨ Sometimes hell is the person who promised you something heavenly. The devil is good at pretending to be everything you want.

✨ Like death, she was breath taking.

✨ Stop being afraid of being crazy, instead guard yourself from being "too" sane. This is the artists way.

✨ Beauty may be dangerous, but intelligence is lethal!

✨ She is both hell fire and holy water and the flavour you taste is based on how you treat her.

✨ Chaos & beauty intertwined. Whiskey in a tea cup. Angel eyes. Acid mouth. Messy mind. Reckless soul

✨ A hopeless romantic with a twisted mind and high standards.

✨ Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then, drink it in. 'Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow #GreysAnatomy

✨ I will not settle for anything less than a soul deep, electrifying connection.

✨ The lips of a sinner, a devilish kiss.

✨ She has that "set the whole fucking world on fire" look in her eyes, kind of bad ass vibe to her.

✨ An acquired taste, not for the faint hearted.

✨ Nothing is ever designed to offend. You choose to get offended.

✨ Every heart is like a phoenix. It may catch aflame and burn to ashes, but it will be reborn, stronger than before.

✨ The world isn't split into good and evil. We've all got light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. #SiriusBlack

✨ Three things that can not remain hidden, the sun, the moon, and the truth. #Buddha

✨ I love you more, the more I love you.

✨ You're down, but you're not out and whatever is going on in your life, you keep fighting. #JenniferLopezTrueLove

✨ In the same way negative experiences can bring you down, having positive people around can help lift you up. #TrueLove

✨ Every ending is also a beginning. We just don't know it at the time. @shemarmoore #CriminalMinds

✨ She's a terribly real thing, in a terribly false world & this is why she is pained so often.

✨ I don't want normal and easy and simple. I want painful, difficult, devastating, life changing, extraordinary love.

✨ She never looked nice, she looked like art & art wasn't supposed to look nice, it was supposed to make you feel something.

✨ The tragedy is not to die, but to be wasted. #HannibalLecter

✨ She got her daddy's tongue & temper. Sometimes her mouth could use a filter. God shook his head the day he built her oh, but I bet he smiled

✨ U bring out the best in me. I don’t mean better manners, or a sense of maturity or whatever else this world expects of me. I mean, u make me want to climb rooftops, run wild, act inappropriately, take risks & pursue my dreams with passion & integrity - U make me feel like living

✨ I am fire. If you want something salty & sweet with no opinion, I’m not the woman for you. I spit flames often!!

✨ You have set on me, but you are not the sun.

✨ Don't let what he wants eclipse what you need. He's very dreamy, but he's not the sun. You are.

✨ Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best. - Tim Duncan

✨ I want somebody with smart intellect and a heart from hell, kisses so deep like a bottomless well.

✨ Lust is when the mind desires what the heart admires. Love is when the mind admires what the heart desires.

✨ “The world has already been too tough on her, the least she needs is tough love. Be tough when you need to be, but always be soft with her. She has thorns, but she is a flower.”

✨ She slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew, a lion was among them.

✨ She that dare not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose.

✨ Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I couldn't do for you. Hate me in ways, ways hard to swallow, hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.

✨ You’re so screwed up that you make me, make sense.

✨ "If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you’re scared that it’s not the right thing. Even if you’re scared that it’ll cause problems." #GreysAnatomy

✨ "Too often, the thing you want the most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken." #GreysAnatomy

✨ A queen will always turn pain into power.

✨ "The only voice that matters is the 1 in your head. The one telling you what you probably already knew. The one that’s almost always right.”

✨ Do not hide your face. The moon is covered in craters yet still commands our attention, even in the midst of all those glittering stars. What I mean to say is, you are magnificent, for all your imperfections, simply as you are. - Beau Taplin

✨ Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive.

✨ The only way you can be mistreated, is by allowing yourself to be mistreated. #TrueLove Jlo

✨ Deception and perfection are wonderful traits, one will breed love and the other hate.

✨ I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow & the soul.

✨ "Each person we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line.." - Meredith Grey

✨ Why do we always want the ones who don't see us, instead of the ones who do?! #YoureNotYou

✨ Every time I break, I come back stronger than before 💎🔹

✨ Loving someone is just delayed pain, eventually you’re going to lose them, one way or the other. #InsidiousChapter3

✨ “She’s tough. She tries to hide it. She’s difficult. But if you make an effort, she’s worth it. She’s worth the effort.” - #McDreamy #GreysAnatomy

✨ I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of a movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me!! #OliviaPope #Scandal

✨ It’s gonna hurt me to hate you, but loving you is worse. #CardiB 

✨ Don’t focus on what if, focus on what is. - #IrreplaceableYou

✨ “When your heart breaks, you’ve got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are. That pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.”

✨ I survive because the fire inside me burns brighter than the fire around me.

✨ She feels powerfully.

✨Deeper than you’ll ever understand with a heart of endless vision for the unconditional for every aspect of the flawed soul. She’s complicated. She feels everything and nothing; the good and the bad all at once. All the time!!

✨ "And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long." — Sylvia Plath

✨ If you can still find the beauty within the darkest days, sometimes, that alone is an accomplishment. When you feel like you’re drowning, like you can’t even deal anymore, stop for a moment, recollect, take a breath. Then you begin again.

✨ You like because and you love despite.

(You like someone because of all of their qualities & you love someone despite some of their qualities)

✨ A strong woman is one who feels deeply and loves fiercely. Her tears flow as abundantly as her laughter. A strong woman is both soft and powerful, she is both practical and spiritual. A strong woman in her essence is a gift to the world.

✨ All things that live, die. This is why you must find joy in the living, while the time is yours, and not fear the end. To deny this is to deny life. To fear this... is to fear life. But to embrace this... Can you embrace this?

You are stronger than you think. - #IKillGiants

✨ Being normal isn’t necessarily a virtue, it denotes a lack of courage.

✨ Like the moon, she had a side of her so dark that even stars couldn’t shine on it. She had a side of her so cold that even the sun couldn’t burn on it.

✨ Broken girls blossom into warriors

✨ A rose can never be a sunflower. A sunflower can never be a rose. All flowers are beautiful in their own way, and that’s like women too. - Miranda Kerr

✨ Inside everyone there exists a dark side. Most people rise above it but some are consumed by it until there is nothing left but pure evil

✨ Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. - #HarryPotter #PrisonerOfAzkaban

✨ Don't you ever let a soul in the world tell you that you can't be exactly who you are - #LadyGaga

✨ You either get bitter or you get better. It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person or you allow you to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.

✨ She’s a strong cup of black coffee in a world that’s drunk on cheap wine and shallow love.

✨ “Every day you wake up and have a second chance, to do whatever you want, to be whoever you want. The only thing stopping you, is you” - #SecondAct @JLo

✨ It starts with the eyes, she's got to have those kind of eyes that can see through the bullshit to the good in someone, 20% angel, 80% devil - #DominicToretto #FastAndFurious

✨ Ignoring your instincts is like blinding your soul. #TrustYourGut

✨ Let me be clear, my love is unconditional but your presence in my life is not. The moment that you prove that your value of me does not measure up to my sense of self worth — i’ll have no problem unconditionally loving the memory of you.

✨ Intimacy is beyond kisses, cuddles & sex. It’s is crying at night about your past to someone who listens & comforts you. It’s getting a headache, taking a nap & waking up to your partner rubbing your back. Intimacy isn’t all to do with sex, it’s the small things that count

✨ The people you can joke around and have fun with that don’t fit in a box, take no shit, kick ass when needed... the fiercely badass, kindhearted, deep down sweethearts and that are kind of assholes but not full assholes. Yeah, those are my kind of people.

✨ Everything is temporary; Emotions, thoughts, people & scenery. Do not become attached, just flow with it.

✨ It's okay to put your heart on your sleeve. Okay to have that softer side - the softer side in the sense of being able to listen, to deal with fear, to not always be so dominant. 😋 @shemarmoore

✨ Just a reminder: You’re whole without someone else. You are not a fraction. You’re a complete masterpiece all by yourself; you do not need anyone else to validate your existence.

✨ To the women of the world. You’re sexual. You’re soulful. You’re emotional. You’re spiritual. You’re magic. You’re both of the light and the dark. You’re human. Don’t deny any aspect of who you are. A healthy soul is a whole soul.

✨ Be the villain you were born to be. Stop waiting for someone to come along and corrupt you. Succumb to the darkness yourself.

✨ Being dark and twisty is not a flaw, it's a strength.

✨ We're all in the same game, just different levels, dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

✨ She is the kind of dark you only see in a cemetery in October on a haunted Halloween night .

✨ #Chemistry - an attraction that can’t be quantified or explained

✨ All you can count on is now, this moment, because in a blink, everything can change - #Dexter 

✨ The smallest thing can change your life. In the blink of an eye something happens by chance, when you least expect it. - #TheLuckyOne

✨ Sometimes, finding the light means you must pass through the deepest darkness - #TheLuckyOne

✨ Sometimes things hit u all at once. You’re up one day, then down the next. Life is one big wave. All we can do is flow, adapt & transform.

✨ There are three types of people, those at the top, those at the bottom & those who fall. - #ThePlatform

✨ There are things that will happen that will make you feel powerless, that will make you feel insignificant but that’s it, they’re just feelings and sometimes you have to stop feeling & start doing. #Underwater

✨ Yeah I’m somebody’s DUFF, guess what? So are you, so is everybody. There’s always going to be somebody prettier, more talented or richer than you. That should affect how you see yourself. - #TheDuff

✨ Made wiser with heartache. Made stronger by pain.

✨You don’t have to climb a mountain to stand on top of the world.

✨Even the ugliest of places can be beautiful as long as you take the time to look.

✨It’s okay to get lost, as long as you find your way back.

✨ There is beauty in the most unexpected of places

✨There are bright places even in dark times, and if there isn’t, you can be that bright place, with infinite capacities

✨ Physical attraction is beautiful, but it’s the mental attraction that leaves you wanting, needing, craving.

✨ Jealousy - A sign of insecurity, a sign of weakness, a sign of obsession

✨ Like roses we blossom and die.

✨ I have absolutely no need to be liked or understood.

✨ I'd rather be scary than cute. Cute isn't always memorable, but nobody forgets scary

✨ Greatness, lies not in being strong but in the right using of strength. He or she is the greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts, by the attraction of his own. - #Wonder

✨ This darkness of mine cries out for light and all you did was lurk in the shadows. - 🖤

✨ Your demons, your darknesses are part of your masterpiece, your beautiful dark art

✨ What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.

✨ “We owe it to the people that we lost, to live the lives that they can’t “ - Meredith Grey 💔

✨ You only get mad because you care. Anger is often an expression only shown towards people and things you care about the most.

✨ To live, is to suffer and to survive, you’ve got to find meaning in the suffering.

✨ She is the wolf they could not ensnare, the voice they could not silence and the fierce wild spirit they could not destroy.

✨ I’m not tearing down my walls for anyone again, you want to know what’s inside? #Climb.

✨ You're a flower. Don't compare yourself to weeds just because they grow faster. 🌷Slow growers have the most resilient roots. 🌱🌻

✨ To find me; you must first unbury me.

✨ Bury me in a dark forest, smelling of the earth, alone with the creatures forevermore.

✨ She’s part lady, she’s part wild, and she’s all fucking storm.