#messed up bedtimes because of work stuff is just temporary

[lifeinkinder]

I hold my babies to sleep every single night and I'm dreading the day they're too big for it to work.

They both can put themselves to sleep and have been able to for weeks, so it's not like they still need it.

But it's the beginning of the school year so I'm dropping them off just after 7 and not picking them up til 4 or after, so 5 days a week the majority of their awake time is spent at daycare. My mama heart needs those snuggles every night.

[astral-athame]

((Life for me has pretty much been: Wake up at 8am. Desperately try to get more sleep until 9 (usually I doze off for, like, 2 or 3 minutes at a time and that's it). Get ready for work. Leave between 9:30 and 9:45. Work from 10-1:30-ish (it's supposed to be until 1:15 but I'm never out of there on time). Get home around 1:45. Leave for work part 2 around 2:30. That goes from at least 3-7, usually closer to 7:20 when I finally leave (sometimes stay until 8 or 9). Get home between 7:30 and 7:45. Make a quick dinner, shower, etc. Around 8:30, watch Ba.tt.le.st.ar Gal.act.ica with a couple of friends (if things work out, this couple may eventually be more than just my friends, but we'll see how that goes ^^;) until about 10:30, then chat with them for a bit after that, usually until almost 11. Bedtime routine (wash face, brush teeth, etc etc). Then stare at drafts until midnight when I realize I need to get to bed because I know I'll be up earlier than I need to be. Then the weekends have consisted a lot of babysitting, running errands, and trying to finish unpacking here and there because it's been 4 months and finding time to unpack has been a pain in the ass with everything that's constantly going on. Also, I spent 3 hours on Saturday putting together a kitchen cabinet- thankfully we have extra screwdrivers because the phillip's-head screwdriver they included was such bad quality that it was messed up and unusable less than half an hour in because the metal of it was so soft -_-

ANYWAY- Work both shifts the rest of the week (except Friday, but only because I don't have to do the second shift, still have the first). Saturday we're going out for my dad's birthday (which was actually last week, but we couldn't make things work for going out last weekend like we'd wanted to). Saturday night is also game night, as usual. Then Sunday I *should* have some free time, but I also desperately need to get some cleaning done that's being semi-neglected throughout the week. So what I'm saying is Sundays are chore days.

If things go well, I should, soon, only be working the first shift in another week or two (with the second shift just being Fridays and when absolutely needed)? Right now both my sister and I are stuck doing the second shift every night (and have been since before mid-winter break last month) because the custodial staff is down two people (one girl broke her leg and has been out since October, I think? And the other has been on temporary (paid) probation since early February while they consider whether or not to fire him and go through all the legal jargon of all of that). But they should be coming to a decision about that soon, I would hope, which would mean that if he gets to come back, then we won't be working nights unless someone calls out. And if he doesn't come back, then they should be hiring someone to fill his place so we'll just have to wait until someone snags the job (hopefully, in that case, they'll offer it to my sister first because usually they try to offer it to substitutes and she really wants it, but we'll see). They're also slowly running out of budget for substitutes, so, that's something to consider, too.

ANYWAY- TL;DR: I've basically had no writing time / personal time and that's why I've not been around. Hopefully work stuff will calm down soon because leaving the house around 9:30am and not really getting to be home until usually after 7:30pm (sometimes 8:30pm or 9:30pm) has been exhausting ^^;

I'll try to be around on Sunday (probably focus on Rogue's blog because I've been writing the fic in my head at work most nights so I have a lot of muse for her AND her blog has been sorely neglected for at least a few months now WHICH MAKES ME SO MAD AT MYSELF). If I can even get one or two asks done, then I'll consider that an accomplishment at this point!

I'm so sorry about the long absence. I'm sorry to everyone for neglecting replies. I'm sorry to everyone I was writing with and haven't had the time / social and physical energy / emotional capacity to reach back out to in a while. That's on me. I dropped the ball on that. I've never been good at ooc communication anyway, tbh. I was really hoping things would be a little bit calmer after I moved, but instead they went in exactly the opposite direction and haven't really slowed down any since November. In fact, they've just gotten more hectic over the last few months ^^;

I adore you all so much and I really do hope that I can get back to writing soon. I've been missing it (and all of you) terribly.

Take care and I'll try to be around soon <3))

[igotsnothing]

Chapter 2: The Gift (Part 2)

One late afternoon, Finn looked up from the book he'd been reading to see Jacob Volkov strolling down the dirt path toward his tent. He stood up to greet his friend.

"Hey stranger! Long time no see!" Jacob called out.

"What's up?" Finn felt a bit sheepish; he hadn't reached out to any of his friends. He'd just quit school and disappeared.

"You're a hard man to find these days! I stopped by your house earlier in the week and neither Earl nor your mom seemed to know where you were."

"Ugh! I'm not surprised."

Jacob glanced toward the modest camp.

"You OK?"

"I'm trying--I will be!" Finn exhaled loudly, suddenly feeling very drained. "You want to hang out for a bit?"

"Sure--I can stay until it gets dark."

They talked for a long time--Finn told Jacob how he'd left, what his plans were. He hadn't known Jacob for that long, given all his moving around, but the two had clicked right away.

"Listen, I have to run. I told my dad I'd be home before 8."

"No problem! Stop by some other time."

"I will, now that I know where to find you! You've become something of a legend back at school. There are so many rumors going around about how you just up and left."

"Really? Eeh-let people believe whatever they want."

Jacob chuckled.

"I might add some fire to some of those rumors. Anyway- pick up your damn phone from now on, ok?"

"Umm-Smoke signals might be easier these days. I don't have a phone. Might be a while until I save up enough for one."

"Dude- you're out here all alone without any way of contacting anyone?"

Finn shrugged.

"It's temporary."

When Finn returned from work the next day, he found the clothesline he'd built vandalized. He suspected it had been Earl's handiwork, but he had no way of proving it. Someone had also gone through his tent, unpacking his duffel and going through his stuff. Luckily, other than leaving a mess, nothing had been taken. The only item he owned that had any real monetary value anyway was his bike, and that he'd ridden to work on. Finn hoped that had been his stepfather's final tantrum, but he couldn't help feeling uneasy out there without a phone.

Later that afternoon, Jacob stopped by again.

"Hey! You look like you're ready for bed!"

"That's because I am! Some of us have to get up at 4AM to get to work."

Jacob chuckled.

"Mind if I hang out for a bit? Maybe read you a bedtime story?" Jacob teased.

"Pff! Come on over. I just grilled some frogs."

"You what?" Jacob balked.

"Just kidding. You should see your face! I grilled some veggies- there's too much and it won't keep well in the cooler. " Finn grinned.

They sat and ate together, with Jacob filling him in on news about school and their circle of friends.

"Ok- I'm going to head home and let you get your beauty rest." Jacob stood up. "I know you need lots of it..."

"Ha ha." Finn grimaced at him.

As he stood, Jacob reached into his pocket.

"Before I go, I have something for you..."

He handed him a phone.

"What's this?"

"It's the remote to our garage," he deadpanned. "No, dingus, it's a phone! For you!"

"I can't take this!" Finn tried to give it back, feeling very embarrassed all of a sudden.

"Nope- it's yours. Don't worry: Lily just upgraded her phone and said you could have her old one."

Finn stared at the phone in disbelief.

"Are you serious? That's much newer and nicer than my old phone!"

"It's yours."

"I can pay you back, once I-"

"Don't worry about it. And my dad put you on our plan. He said you can stay on it until you are back on your feet. You need a phone out here and this is the least we can do to help, since you refuse to stay with us."

Finn was speechless.

He was not used to getting gifts. Most importantly, he was certainly not used to kindness.

"Thank you," he managed to say, giving Jacob a hug and fighting back a surge of emotion.

Later that evening, he browsed the news, watched a show on SimTube, and texted a couple of friends.

Suddenly, Finn didn't feel so alone.

Start ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗Previous˗ˏ★ ˎˊ˗Next

(Ok- I can't with his WTF expression when he sees the clothesline. I might need to change my avatar.)

[tobyfoxfacts]

Heard of 72 uses for snails? 72 uses for Toby Fox:

Dog sitter

Standup comedian for a low budget party

One man puppeteer for your other low budget party

DJ but he only plays Indie game music

A member of your band for like 1 gig to fill in someone's place because long term commitments would mess up his schedule

Tech support for video games. (he had to be his own tech support team when UNDERTALE first came out)

Guard dog

Tutor

Guy that distracts security while you sneak by

Wingman

Hitman

Hiking guide who tells people about every single fcking rock they see on the trail

Guy who will answer your questions about almost anything. But can only answer questions that are obscure and irrelevant

Merch Designer

Concept artist

Music composer

Game designer

Professional laugh track encourager. (gets the whole room of people to laugh for the laugh track recording)

Emotional support dog

Perhaps an emotional support human

A great pillow, if you can get him to sit still and pay him enough

He will climb trees to get your cat so you don't have to embarrass yourself by calling the fire dept and the whole neighborhood hears

Guy who shows up at the wedding and starts dancing and hyping everyone up to increase the vibe and encourage other people to dance

Fashion model

He probably knows how to make balloon animals.

Animal Shelter caretaker

A babysitter (he had 2 younger brothers)

A substitute teacher for environmental science or liberal arts

Public speaker (he would probably sht himself)

Video game tester

Guy who says "may I take your hat sirrrr" at parties, but in a perfect Patrick Star voice

Voice actor

Language teacher

Translator

He would give you great indie game recommendations

Have him do your laundry

Have him write you a song

Get him to do the damn dishes

Teach him how to do a cartwheel

Have him pay the hospital bill when he fails

Make him put together your IKEA furniture. He seems like the kinda guy who likes that stuff

Professional LEGO builder.

He will paint your nails if you ask nicely

Ask him to beatbox for your mixtape

Have him fix that dishwasher that stopped working 13 years ago but you've been to lazy to fix it so it just holds clean dishes. If he manages to fix it, this will boost his masculinity.

Guy who lugs your sled back up the snow hill so you don't have to do it yourself

He will sharpen your pencils while you draw

He will be your alarm clock. (make soft beeping noises in your ear at requested time)

He will be your personal shopper, until it comes to the checkout line, he gets too scared.

He will be the mascot for your sports team, if he gets to wear a little white dog fur suit and dance around

He will teach you to build robots

He will sit next to you in church so you don't look lonely

He will be your temporary date if you don't wanna look too sad at a gathering

Party crasher

Person who walks around the store (disguised as a customer) and compliments other customers to encourage them to buy what merchandise they're holding

The guy to tell you all 72 snail facts

He will fend off your sleep paralysis demons

He will do the hokey pokey to cheer you up

Have him read you a bedtime story

A really shitty bodyguard

Dog walker

professional food taste tester

He will write you excerpts to send to bullies online so you can roast them super well

Fanfic slander-er (if you hate a fanfic he will personally leave a comment on it and tell the creator that their UNDERTALE fanfic isn't canon) You would have to pay him for this because he would feel bad doing it

If you don't have anyone to play video games with, he will join you

Professional tissue hander. When you're crying while studying for exams, he will pass you tissues

World's smallest violin player. When you need a soundtrack while saying "can we get an F in the chat" he will pull out a tiny violin

He will set up your parent's computers and reset their Gmail passcodes when they forget them

He will do your clown makeup when that toxic boy you dated cheats on you

He will give you hugs

He will draw you adorable little pictures

He will annoy the crap out of you for free.

[mzyraj]

In nicer news, my 23andMe report has come back! As you may recall, I was mostly in it for checking health gene stuff lest it give any indications, but they give you the ancestry breakdown too.

Ancestry:

99.5% Northwestern European (extremely unsurprising):

- 73.4% British and Irish, with ancestry most likely around London and the midlands (fairly probable)

- 25.9% French and German, particularly Normandy and Auvergne-Rhone-Alpes

- 0.2% broadly North Western European

0.5% Anatolian (...?!)   (<.< @ my Game of Sultans phone game)

So, I mean. Going by my maths, 0.5% of my genes would be like having one great-great-great-great-great-grandparent from Anatolia. And who’s to say that wasn’t the case and that fact didn’t get passed on? We haven’t gone that far back on a lot of my family tree. It would be interesting to know which side of my family this is meant to be on...

Alternatively I did see somebody else talk about an absolute mistake in their ancestry that was rectified later without them contacting 23&Me, so it could be wrong, but I don’t think it’s impossible they’re right. My mum is questioning the apparent lack of Scotland (Highlands) from her grandmother, but *shrug*.

Also good to know that when my grandfather was born in Hong Kong to British parents, his mother hadn’t secretly had an affair with a local and lied to her husband (though that would have been some interesting family ~drama~).

Health Gene-amajigs

Apparently:

- Slight increased risk of age-related macular degeneration (not expecting to live that long tbh)

- Slight increased risk of celiac disease (not something I’ve noticed)

But:

- I am supposedly a carrier of ‘Congenital Disorder of Glycosylation Type 1a (PMM2-CDG)’ - you’re not supposed to be able to suffer with it unless you have two of that gene. It is apparently ‘characterized by developmental delay, muscle weakness, and failure to gain weight’. According to other scientific articles I found about it (not many, it’s pretty rare - like 800 people in the world rn), it’s very neurological in its effects because the lack of the relevant enzyme means the body doesn’t get certain stuff that requires the product of that enzyme’s work... (idk, it’s my bedtime, I’m struggling to get my head around everything rn)

Now, ^that’s unlikely to matter because I’m not doing pregnancy in this shitheap body, but here’s where doctors would hate me: I have read cases where people who are supposed to only be carriers have actually been impacted by their solitary variant gene, even if it’s to a lesser degree (remember when I posted that story of the woman who got hemophilia like her dad but less, despite that theoretically not being possible and took her like decades to be recognised?). Also, even if you don’t suffer with a bad gene to start with, I recall reading that it’s possible for the good gene to get messed up in replication later on and your body to then try using the other (fucked up) version, which could make you develop (some of those) problems later in life, but I don’t really understand how that works and current attempts to google it just throws up idiotic articles about if there’s a gene for failure in life and discussions of eugenics >.>

Also: “Affected individuals may also experience stroke-like episodes that involve an extreme lack of energy (lethargy) and temporary paralysis.” Excuse me sir? I really need to remind myself about the ridiculous overlap in symptoms of like all neurological conditions, but it’s weird when you find it so hard to find medical people who recognise your symptoms, and then you’re looking at something else and it calls it right out.

Mind you, looking at celiac disease apparently it’s possible that can cause neurological damage sooner or later. But I still would have thought I would notice it more, and it’s supposed to wind up with you losing weight because your guts aren’t as good at absorbing nutrients, which does not appear to be my case. Weird.

[bereft-of-frogs]

@veliseraptor tagged me in a meme! I’ve gone for my daily state-approved walk and am ready to overshare. ;-)

1. Name: Taylor

2. Nickname: I don’t really have one, I don’t really like any of the ways my name can be shortened.

3. Zodiac sign: Fishy (pisces)

4. Height: Funny story, so for like years I thought I was 5′4″, and then one night I got into kind of drunken argument at a bar with my friends who were like ‘you are Not 5′4″’ and then the next morning I was having coffee with my mom and relaying the story and being like ‘can you believe they didn’t believe me when I said I was 5′4″‘ and she just stops...slowly looks at me, and is like ‘yeah, you’re not 5′4″...’ and then called my brother to get the tape measure. So yeah, I’m like 5′5 1/2″, almost 5′6″.

5. Languages: English, French, I took Latin in high school, I studied Hebrew and Arabic for two years in college (I got almost conversational in Hebrew, Arabic was a lot harder in terms of actually speaking but I loved loved loved learning the script.)

6. Nationality: USA (though after some considerable digging, apparently with a temporary work visa, I am to be treated with all the rights to social services and economic relief as though I was a Canadian. So. That’s good. Cuz I’m kinda stuck here for a while XD )

7. Favourite season: Fall! Fall is when my power is at a peak! I am at my spookiest! Everyone else appreciates how spooky I am! It is great!

8. Favourite flower: I really like sunflowers.

9. Favourite scent: I like the ocean (where is it *sobs*), and that way the morning air smells. Like, you know what I mean? Even in the city. When I went to take the trash out this morning, I just stood on the stoop for a minute and breathed in the air. I can’t really explain it...but mornings. I like the smell of mornings.

10. Favourite colour: All shades of purple.

11. Favourite animals: I like cats. And I like bats. But in a really strange way, my favorite animal will always be cows. I don’t know why. Cows just became my favorite animal really early and stuck with me.

12. Favourite fictional character: Hm, well, I mean...anyone I write a whole mess of fanfiction about......that’s a safe bet. Also, since I’m rereading Lord of the Rings right now and just got to this part I have a love of feelings about Faramir. Also a few months back, I don’t remember why I was doing this, but I was rereading the ‘Friends of the ABC’ chapter of Les Misérables and had a lot of feelings about Combeferre. 

13. Coffee, tea or hot chocolate: Coffee. Definitely coffee, which I am actually physically addicted to but also it’s a super big part of my routine. Coffee is my favorite part of the day. I have two cups in the morning while reading a book and it is excellent.

I actually really dislike most tea, except for lemon-ginger when I’m sick. I do really like hot chocolate and I’ve also found it is even better when you add a little whiskey to it.

14. Average hours of sleep: I’m usually pretty regularly an 8-hour type of person, though usually in the spring I go through this weird period where I sleep a lot. Like every spring, I’ll wake up around my usual time 7:30-8ish, and then pass back out until like noon. So. I’m anticipating that starting to happen.

15. Dog or cat: I think I related to cats on a deeper level but I do love dogs and I dream of the day I get to have a cat or a dog, or both. Both is best.

16. Number of blankets you sleep with: 3? I don’t use a top sheet, but I have a duvet, and then a comforter on top of that, and then an extra fleece blanket in case it’s particularly cold.

17. Dream tip: Was this supposed to be a tip from my dreams or a tip about dreaming?

Considering I have very bizarre dreams, I’ll give you a tip about dreaming. So in December/January, I was basically having horrible stress dreams every single night and successfully got rid of them by keeping a really strict bedtime routine, like I was a toddler again. I start off by turning off most lights and watching one episode of a TV show without scrolling on my phone. (As a result, I’ve been watching a lot of subtitled stuff because that forces me to pay attention and not scroll.) And then I prep coffee for the morning, take my vitamin, get in my PJs and brush my teeth, floss (yes I floss every night), wash my face etc...And then I write in my journal, use a lavender scented hand lotion, and voilà! I usually fall asleep pretty quickly and have really weird dreams but...they’re like fun weird dreams rather than stress dreams.

If you want a tip from my dreams, the other night I dreamed I was walking in a massive forest with these huge trees, so tall you couldn’t see the tops, and one of them was very, very slowly falling...

So make of that what you will.

18. Blog established: I started my mainblog in August of 2011, but this one I started in like...July/August 2018.

19. Followers: There are 222 of you right now which is a fun number! Thanks for following me everyone! <3

20. Random fact: Hm, my go-to random personal fact is that I had chicken pox twice. It was not enjoyable.

As usual, consider this an open tag! ;-)

[takeeachdayonebookatatime]

Triple f day -fan fiction friday-

(Temporary parents)

Day 1 & 2 ……...

Staring team one

Jules : pov today at work when me and sam arrived we found out that wordy was out with the flu his kids and wife had it. After 40 minutes of working out winnie told us there was a little girl in the sru probably about 5 years old with no parents and when she asked her what her name is she told winnie it was abby and her mommy went to sleep so she came here for help.

Ed : pov winnie had Greg and Spike go to her house with police officers greg called to let us know the police said her mom was dead in the bedroom. Winnie told him Abby said it was her daddy.

Sam : pov jules picked up Abby and brought her to the briefing room we use while I got her food and a drink. I was so thankful we still had some teddy bears here at hq so I gave her a pink one which made her happy. Once back at hq Spike managed to get the monitor we use to debrief to play a kids show which also made her happy. Greg called child services and they said it would be an hour before they could come since it would be a lot of paperwork.

Spike : pov I feel so bad for Abby having to witness her mom dying like that here dad was still on the loose. Wordy called and said he would be back tomorrow.

Jules : pov I pulled sam aside for 5 minutes while ed was watching Abby which she did not like at all. I talked to Sam about us keeping her for a few days until they caught her dad. He said yes to the idea when the lady from child services came by we told her we needed to talk in private. I told her me and Sam wanted to watch her until her dad was caught. And I could take Thursday, Monday and Wednesday off so it would be 7 days and Sam could take Friday and Wednesday off. That would be four full days for him and 5 full days for me. She handed us a big stack of paper which I had Sam sign. While I held Abby which made her stop crying. I had Spike and Ed go find some pens and paper while I talked to Greg while Sam and the lady from social services talked. I told Greg we wanted to watch Abby until her dad was caught. I said if he gives me Thursday, Monday and Wednesday off. And Sam Friday and Tuesday off we could make it work since we had the weekend off Greg agreed. To give us the day's off. And Donna was so nice and agreed to extra shifts to cover for us if we needed extra days.

Sam : pov I know wordy has the day off because the kids are sick. But I need to call him. He picks up on the first ring I told him Abby's whole story and asks him if he saved the kids clothes from when they were five year old he says yes and some toys they outgrew. He says he will leave a bag on the print porch for us to pick up. The lady from social services had a car seat for her. Greg let us leave a little early when we stopped by a wordy's house. There was a big bag of clothes and a toddler bed with a mattress on it. I asked him what that was about and he said she needs a place to sleep.

Jules : pov once Sam loaded everything into the car we made a stop at Walmart to buy some essentials like snacks and hygiene products. We also let her pick out 2 toys and 1 movie. I bought her a cute outfit and pj set. Once home we made pasta since that is what she wanted I put a movie on after dinner that was kid friendly. Just before bed I gave her a bath, let her have a snack and then put her to bed in the guest room. I made sure to leave the door open.

Sam : pov it was now 9:00 and Abby was in bed. Me and Jules decided to look through the stuff wordy gave us. It had 2 month's worth of shirts, pants and pj's. There were also some shoes and socks. And a good amount of toys.³ We sorted everything then went to bed at 10:40 we knew it would be a ruff night. It was at 11:00 when Abby started crying so jules picked her up and cuddled with her. She asked if she could sleep in our beds just for tonight and I said yes this made her so happy. She slept through the whole night at 7:00 in the morning. I got up and got ready for work.

Jules : pov I made frozen waffles for Abby because that is what she wanted. I told her we are going to go on a hike in the woods which leads to a nice big playground and beach. I also told her we were packing some lunch so we could have a picnic. She asked about if she gets tired on the hike and jules said I will carry you. I can lift men twice my weight. Jules packed ham and cheese sandwiches with a mini bag of chips juice on the side and a baggy of fruit. Abby was so excited to go to the park and beach.

Sam : pov at work jules tells me what today's plans are and I tell her to have fun with Abby. And take lots of pictures for me. Today we had a hot call about a hostage situation at the bank. I was sierra one and ed was sierra 2 ugh today was going to be a long day.

Jules : Abby asked about her father and what if he finds us and I told her that is my job keeping people safe. I do it everyday so don't think about it. You are very safe with me. I think I made Abby feel better by saying that but to be honest that is the truth. After 10 minutes of walking Abby was tired so jules carried her the last 20 minutes. Abby played at the park for 2 hour, Jules was not taking any chances so she wore her sru shirt Sam had made for her, it says don't mess with me I work for the sru and know how to use a sniper rifle. while at the park another mom asked jules about her daughter and jules told the woman the whole story. The lady felt bad about asking but loved jules's shirt. Abby did not want to walk the 10 minutes to the beach so Jules carried her there and she made sure to take a lot of pictures for sam. The view at the lake was beautiful and she unpacked their lunch. Abby loved the food then went to play in the sand. Jules made a huge sand castle with her, they spent more than an hour at the beach. It took them 30 minutes to get back to the car which consisted of jules carrying her the whole way. Back at the house they played with dolls and barbies until Sam got home

Sam : pov the call ended Good no one got hurt jules made grilled cheese for dinner since that is what Abby wanted. After I played a few board games with her until jules had to give her a bath before bedtime. She was in bed by 8:30 which was an okay time. Me and Jules then watched a movie together and went to bed at 10:00. Abby slept through the whole night. To be continued………….

[lavender-montgomery]

ramble tw: ed,depression, psychosis and anxiety mention

Really hating being at home at the moment, I take any excuse to go out for as long as I can. I just stayed two nights at my best friend’s house, I wish I stayed longer. There’s this chick I’m talking to who means a lot to me but I can’t see her atm bc of the virus. She doesn’t have it (thank god) she’s being careful which is fair enough, but it’s hard not meeting up with her when all I wanna do is be around her and be cute and hear her voice. 

My Mam is really unwell and it’s not looking good, I am very anxious about it. I can’t see her or talk to her much at the moment. 

I’ve decided to finally do stuff I really wanted to do that my ex didn’t allow, such as more piercings (I took most of mine out) and FINALLY getting a mullet. Also planning my next tattoo as it has been so long since I’ve had new ink. Feels good to be getting back to how I used to look, feels like me again, I changed myself so much for my ex and I just wasn’t me at all

It also feels good to not be denying my sexuality anymore, it used to get me super down

I’m in a really weird mood at the moment, I feel empty yet sad and heavy and anxious. About me mam, my ex, I’m worried I’ve fucked up with someone, sad about my sister, anxious about living arrangements 

That’s another thing, living arrangements. I’m really looking forward to living alone and doing what I want with my tiny ass flat, but the building itself and area I live in is dangerous so living here alone is scary. I’ve become very jumpy especially at home, if someone even unlocks the door it scares me a lot and I am constantly on edge. A lot of bad stuff happens here which has given me this extreme anxiety of being here. I know I could move, but I love the flat itself and it’s near places I wanna work. I suppose I’ll see how it goes living by myself and if it’s too bad then I will look at moving. I’m not gonna lie, my building looks like the crack den Cumberbatch’s Sherlock was staying at. It’s a mess. But my flat itself is nice so I don’t mind.

I just wanna be alone, listen to music, do some art and cuddle my cat.

The lass I’m talking to got me a Pooh plush which made me stupidly happy and I’ve not put him down

I’m getting fish soon and more plants, turning my flat into my happy place

You ever get days where your mental illness just hits you full force? Today is one of those days with my depression and my psychosis and anorexia has been bad again. It’s my own fault, I’m not taking my meds and my ex would get angry at me - but I’m not taking them BECAUSE of my psychosis, my main hallucination which I posted about on here when I first started this blog. It’s a tough cycle that I know I gotta break, I just don’t have the strength or willpower to do that right now.

It’s weird when my anorexia gets bad. It’s very sad, it controls me, I feel physically unwell and it brings my other mental illnesses to light. At the same time, it makes me happy, when I go a while without eating and I feel that burning in my chest and throat and I’m shaky, I feel like congratulating myself for doing so well. It makes me happy knowing I can do it again, and honestly? The only bad thing I can see happening about living alone is my anorexia properly returning long term. I’m torn, part of me is so excited for that, but I’ve also done so well these past few months with my eating. It’ll be worth it when I look better. I wish I looked how I did when I was 18, looking at old pictures makes me sad. I was so, so skinny. I looked ill, my skin was white, I was so weak. The worst part is I’d get praised for how ‘fantastic’ I looked and people would ask me for weight loss advice, which of course only fueled it. Why did no one help me? Why was it unnoticed and not cared about? I couldn’t shop in town as barely anywhere sold my size clothes and the few times I would find my size the range would be so limited. I had to get my clothes sent over from Japan or wear stuff oversized which only made me look tinier. At the time I didn’t want help or for people to know, but looking back I’m wondering why the fuck no family or close friends other than my ex said anything or helped. It got to the point I would be wearing clothes for nine year olds, which I was incredibly proud of. Yet another thing I’m torn about, it was one of the worst times of my life dealing with that but at the same time... I looked the best I’ve ever looked. Skinny, pale, short hair, piercings, getting tattoos, I dressed nice. I still dress the same I suppose but it doesn’t look as good because I’m fat. Despite it being an awful time, I’d give anything to go back to it overnight. I’ll get there, it’s gonna be slow and it’s gonna take a lot out of me. I’ll look like me again eventually. Do I wanna do it? Who knows. 

I’ve been having sensory overload a lot more recently, it’s starting to become an issue. It doesn’t help that my ex gets angry at me and yells, doesn’t let me have quiet and makes it worse. I almost cry begging him to just please don’t talk to me and don’t move near me, but for some reason every time it happens he insists on yelling and swearing at me, getting in bed next to me watching videos on his phone, moving about on the bed messing about with the duvet and he brings his cat who gets in my face and has the loudest purr I have ever heard come from a cat. All this when I am having a sensory overload moment is a nightmare, it’s so frustrating and he makes me feel so stupid for it. He tells me I’m stupid and pathetic. Maybe I am, I don’t know. I’m not diagnosed autistic or anything but apparently I show a lot of traits of it. My ex tells me I’m autistic, he uses it to insult me. Even now, I’m trying to distract myself posting this as I haven’t had a long vent about everything for ages, I’ve asked him to just give me a few minutes to myself and he’s going on at me to clear the bed so he can get in it as he ‘wants bedtime’. It’s 5:30PM, he could always clear the bed himself but he makes me do it. 

Ah, my disability. It’s getting bad again - what isn’t? I’ve only used my wheelchair once since the breakup because I’m unable to push myself in it, I need someone to push me, but it isn’t Lukas’ thing to do anymore. He pushed me the other morning when we went to ASDA. I’ve been in a lot of pain recently, my ex has a go at me for going out if I’m gonna come home in pain and not do things like make myself food when he says or clear the bed for him. He tells me I need to prioritise. I tell him I’m not gonna just never go out and have no social life incase my disability plays up, right now it isn’t even that that’s the issue, I’m in pain because of the cold. He didn’t accept that. What does he expect me to do? It’s the end of December, it’s cold, I can’t just stay inside until spring. Recently I asked him to pass me something off his desk he was sat at because my back was bad. He lost it, called me a lazy cunt. Says he’s in pain too he shouldn’t have to ‘do everything for me’. I told him the scissors are a foot away from him, it makes sense for him to just pass them to me, any normal person would do that. Of course he didn’t accept that so continued swearing at me. This happens a lot.

I told him no more sex. Despite breaking up over a month ago we are still living together while he finds a new place and he is often in the mood so we were still having sex. It was consensual, but I told him no more.

Today’s a bad day and there are some bad things going on, but it’s not all bad. The past 2/3 weeks I’ve been doing better than I have for a long time. Making plans for living alone, returning to bar work which I love, planning to visit my family in Essex and my friends in Bristol. Sorting my appearance out again, embracing my sexuality, getting back in touch with friends. And her. I’ve already mentioned her a few times but man, I can’t help it. She makes me smile like I haven’t in a long time, we talk all day/night, she’s adorable. I’m not gonna get my hopes up, I don’t think I’d make her happy like she deserves, and she deserves so, so much, more than I could ever be; but I’m happy with how it is now even if only temporary. She makes me feel less alone, feel wanted, appreciated, cared for, happy. She’s someone from my past I never thought would be in my life again but I am really happy she is. What a blessing  ♡