#mention of selective mutism

[moosedrawss]

Mary, in the style of Leyendecker

Specifically inspired by this painting:

Also partly inspired by that post pointing out that most of the fandom only creates stuff about the captain (sorry I can't remember who made that post and can't find it right now) so I thought I'd try drawing my favourite ghost, Mary

[malfunctioning-mantis]

yippee its feefee

[bluepr1ntyy]

The “Raven hates Palette” trope is so weird to me like wdym 16 year old Raven is having beef with a 12 year old 💀

[katyahina]

me: I want to make Valentine’s Day cards, but I can’t make up flirty lines! I am not an eloquent person in the slightest!

me: 

me: I have an idea,

[acidicaurora]

i went to a doctor's appointment this morning and my mom & the doctor were talking about my selective mutism and by the way I DID NOT KNOW I HAD SELECTIVE MUTISM!!

[selectivechaos]

today my therapist told me that maybe freaking out about not being able to speak, and telling myself im broken and a freak because of it, is just not helping me. it just means that i can’t be okay in the situation. it just leaves me feeling like everyone can notice that i haven’t contributed to the conversation.

i think after years of dealing with situational mutism while in a school with a culture of bullying, i have developed the assumption that people will automatically ask ‘why aren’t u speaking’ or ‘what’s wrong with you?’

my therapist explained that in the adult world often people don’t make such rush judgements about people’s social status or personality from how they are in single interactions. plus people may come up with many alternative and sympathetic explanations for why i haven’t spoken in a while such as that i’m just not in the mood or am having a bad day.

maybe if im not as critical towards myself about being mute in those situations, i can learn to be ok in those situations and less anxious about it. but it will take self image work, to not automatically assume i’m worthless and a freak for the things i can’t do and for the ways i stick out socially.

people mostly aren’t as critical as my inner critic.

people mostly aren’t as critical as the bullies were.

im probably not being under as much social scrutiny now as i was in school.

idk i just wanted to post it here to help those who are still dealing with cognitive distortions from traumatising environments. and maybe it won’t be of much help to those who are still in school or any other environment that isn’t safe for you. except with the message that:

you will get out. and when you do, you will learn how to heal all the wrong messages that were given to you, and that you taught to yourself, when you were surviving. 🌹🌹🌹

[transpoettryinghisbest]

“Father was killed here.”

I touch his desk. I can still feel the same grooves and bumps in the wood that have always been there. The whole apartment is exactly the same as it was the last time I was here, nothing has moved an inch. Except for one piece missing. Something that I'm never going to get back. It happened so fast. I still remember his voice thanking me for the coffee, answering questions for that scary reporter. Then a thud. And he was gone. Just like that. In our own home. The same place I've been my whole life, the same four walls I've become so familiar with.

“It was supposed to be safe here,” I whisper.

“I'm sorry, Vera,” Trucy says.

I instinctively bring my thumb to my mouth and find the edge of my thumbnail with my teeth. I bite. And I remember the strange aniseedy taste. I remember ignoring it because I just needed some kind of comfort. Everyone was asking me questions, things I didn't want to think about, things that scared me. My head started to hurt. I thought it was just the stress, but my stomach started hurting too. I was sweating, the room was spinning around me. The room's spinning around me now. I think I'm going to faint. I make a whimper sound.

“Vera? Are you okay?” It's Apollo.

I want to tell him I'm not. But I can't speak, my voice has shut off again. I squeeze my eyes shut.

“Here, sit down,” he says. “Just…just get your breath back, okay?”

“You'll be alright, Vera,” Trucy adds.

He leads me into Father's chair. I'm not strong enough to object so I take a seat. I think I'm shaking. Like I did on the stand. When everything started crashing down, when I started to wonder if maybe I was at fault. It’s my fault. Or maybe that's just what they think. Why do they hate me? Why do they think I did it? The paintings. I know what I did was wrong but I didn't mean to hurt anyone. The paintings are still here. They're always going to be here unless I remove them. Everything reminds me of him, of that trial. I can't escape it. I can't escape what I did.

“Apollo, she's completely shut down,” Trucy says.

I can hear them but I can't talk back. I feel locked inside myself. Like I was locked inside this house. Not physically, but still I was unable to leave. I was trapped. I wanted to be trapped. I was scared that someone could hurt me. And someone did hurt me. I nearly died. I don't know how to deal with that fact.

“Vera, can you let us know you're okay?” Apollo says.

I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay.

I place my hands on Father's desk. It grounds me a little.

“Father doesn't like me sitting at his desk,” I say, eventually. It’s the only thing I can make myself say and I know they want me to say something.

“I'm sure he wouldn't mind,” Trucy replies. “Just this once.”

“Things won't ever be the same again.”

“Vera, can you hear me?” Apollo crouches so he’s in my line of sight. “Have you thought about talking to someone? Like a therapist?”

I go to tell him that I can’t. That I’m still scared despite everything. That I don’t know who I can trust but that I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I wish I could tell people what it’s like to not be able to speak sometimes. No one really seems to understand. Even Father would live in hope that one day I’d become a normal child. He died unfulfilled.

He died poor and unknown.

He’s dead.

I wish he was here now. He wouldn't know the right thing to say or do, but he'd be there. He'd be familiar. He'd be some kind of comfort. Apollo and Trucy are really trying for me, they don't have to do this. But I still feel so alone, even with them right here. I want my father back.

I start crying.

Apollo looks concerned. “Um…do you have tissues anywhere? Or do you want some water? Or something?”

I can’t even nod or shake my head. I’m completely trapped inside myself. It feels nice to cry. I don’t think I have in a while. It feels like such a strong release. But at the same time, I really don’t want to be watched and talked to when I can’t say or do anything but sit here and cry. I don’t want to be here. I want things to just go back to normal. But things were never normal. We weren’t a normal family. I’m not normal. I hate that I am this way and that I probably always will be because I’m too scared to get help.

“My daddy died too,” Trucy says. “He went missing for a while. And I always thought he was coming back for me. But I always wondered if maybe he was gone for good. Now I know he is. He always taught me to put on a brave face and not cry, especially not in front of others. But I think that was because he was scared. Scared of feelings. Mine and his. And other people’s. Sometimes it is easier to just not feel anything. But…sometimes you can’t be strong. And I think that’s okay.”

Trucy is fascinating. And not just in her magic tricks. She's so bold. She's smaller than me, but she's not afraid to stand tall, look people in the eye or speak her mind at any time. She's lost so much, but she's still so strong.

I want to tell her what I feel and what I'm going through. I want to tell her everything. But my voice is still cut off somewhat. I wonder if other people get that sometimes. Or if I'm just doomed to always be different.

“It's so hard,” I manage to say.

“Yeah, it will be,” Apollo says. “But you're going to be okay.”

“I don't know…why I'm still alive. Do you think it means something?”

“Huh?”

“I could have easily passed away. But something kept me going. I wish I knew what it was.”

“Maybe it was you?” Trucy said. “You wanted to keep living. So you did.”

I can't remember much of what happened to me when I was poisoned. I remember the moment, but after that…everything goes fuzzy in my mind. I wonder if I did have some kind of epiphany about the meaning of life and how to fight to survive through the odds. The doctors called me a miracle for surviving something that no one had survived before. Maybe there was no meaning to it at all. But maybe there was.

All I know now is that I'm alive. And I have to decide what to do with the rest of my life. It's scary. But it gives me another kind of sensation too. A feeling of hope.

[the-nobody-tournament]

Contestant 43, the Selectively Mute Werewolf, is my favorite so far because I love werewolves and I have experienced selective mutism.

i'm glad you like them!

[bamboozledchaos]

Period’s draining my energy to interact here 🥲 thought it was over but it isn’t according to the schedule

Also just inability to type or speak sometimes

[blorbo-place]

Welcome to my very first ever public fanfic!

I have intentionally cut this in half so that I can finish tidying up the other half of this one-shot and not leave you all hanging until I thought it was perfect.

Let me know if you find any mistakes that I may have missed, your thoughts, all that good stuff. If you're ever confused throughout the story, don't worry, it's on purpose. This would take place about 1/3 of the way through the actual story.

If you have any questions, my ask box should be opened.

7.3K words

(TBD) stands for To Be Determined as I have not found a suitable name for this character yet. Physical descriptions are mostly left up for interpretation for right now.

CW for the following: panic attacks, body horror, nightmares, and accidental self harm.

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They paced around the large room with a steaming mug hanging off of two fingers, the black liquid sloshing around inside. Raph was sitting back in Donnie’s old chair, one leg leaned lazily on his opposite knee. He smirked as he brought his own mug to his face to take a sip, intently listening to whatever rambling the young mutant was on. 

“And I just don’t understand how goddamn hard that is to just LISTEN to me when I say ‘don’t do that’, like really, if I say that there’s something wrong then there is something wrong! My gut has always been wrong- rightImeanright- right about everything except for the one or two times it wasn’t but that was because I actually trusted the person before the bomb went off and made a mess of everything,” they continued on. 

How did this all begin? Well, it had begun like every other time it had: Raph couldn’t sleep, and neither could they. 

===================================================

Raph had woken up in the dead of night again, and rubbed his face with one hand, groaning annoyedly into it. He didn’t normally have this much trouble falling and staying asleep like this; not in a long time at least. Seemed as if these midnight endeavors were happening more and more frequently since the young mutant and their little band of trouble makers had been able to make a place for themselves in the Hamato family. Ever since Mikey, gods bless his stupid little heart, decided to give the leader of the rowdy quintet a second chance after they’d all but destroyed the barn in a half-brained all-assed attempt at a scavenging trip, the kids had been taking up some space in the old farmhouse.

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Raph didn’t mind nearly as much now as he did during the beginning. Mikey had argued that they were just kids, that they were only doing what they needed to in order to survive in this mutagen riddled hellscape, that they were just trying to get by with what they had and each other. “Just like we were when we were their ages,” Mikey had said. “But they don’t have a Splinter like we did, do they?” 

Raph remembered how much that one line stung, how Mikey gave him a knowing look like he just sealed the deal. He remembered glancing their way past Mikey, at the young mutant protecting a smaller human with an arm as if anticipating another attack. It felt so familiar. It wasn’t entirely what Mikey had said that made him change his mind on turning the intruders into mutant kabobs, but it was also something in the small leader’s eyes that made him feel… sorry for the kid. They were burning bright with anger, fear, desperation. Their other arm was by their side, hand hovering over the knife on their hip. 

The kid wasn’t even looking Raph in the eyes at the time, but instead their gaze was firmly set on his sai in either hand. The little leader had all but ripped the belt loop the knife was attached to as they snatched it when Raph opened his mouth to give Mikey his final decision. “Then in that case, you won’t mind being their Splinter, right?” 

Mikey’s shoulders relaxed at his older brother’s response, an excited grin overtaking his frantic features prior. “Of course not, man! Ya hear that dudes? Uncle Mikey is in the house!” he practically shouted, raising both arms in the air. All five troublemakers flinched at his excited demeanor, not finding the giant, mutant turtle to be all that trustworthy, much less calming. 

And boy were they right, because as soon as Mikey had been excited and chipper, he was just as quick to wipe the grin off his face. Instantly dropping to the ground in a kneeling position, leaning into the leader’s space, he muttered softly to them, “Now with that being said, as your Uncle, you will listen very carefully: if I ever catch you touching those katanas again, I will turn your hides into the nicest little welcome mat you have ever laid your eyes on. Capiche?” The three companions behind the leader shuddered visibly at that, but the child behind the smaller leader’s arm only scowled at the larger turtle, a smaller copy of the one the leader themself was wearing. 

Since then, all five of them had earned their keep, fairly quickly Raph might add. It may or may not have helped when the group had been sent to fix up the old barn better than new, but you didn’t hear that from Raph. 

Surprisingly, Donnie was one of the first turtles after Mikey to warm up to the kids, especially since the dusty barn was his beloved lab. The twin mutants were very inventive with anything they could get their hands on and loved to help Don with whatever project he had going on at any given time. Where Donnie was, the twins were sure to follow. The young human was often around Donnie as well, but it was usually for providing pure human blood samples or for simply bothering the twins. 

The tallest and possibly oldest one of the bunch was the most reserved. He never said much outside of a few phrases or responses, except when he was with his family or Mikey. Raph’s little bro had a way with getting people to open up to him. According to Mikey, it was because he was, and he quoted, “Known as cute in many circles.” Which, yeah, he was absolutely adorable… to anyone who wasn’t his brother. 

That left the little leader. If the tallest mutant wasn’t already pretty quiet, then the leader would be considered silent. They were almost always whispering to everyone they spoke to, no matter how far away they were. At first, Raph was constantly trying to listen in, believing that they were scheming behind the turtles’ backs after they, or rather Mikey, had graciously given them a second chance. 

That was until he had heard the twins respond in full volume to their leader’s quiet whispers. It turned out at the time that the three of them had been talking about a video game that had come out just a little bit before the bomb had hit the planet. It hadn’t been all that popular to begin with, but the leader absolutely loved the game, and the twins thought it could have been a great hit with more time and exposure. That was about as much as Raph had been able to make out until one of the twins caught him glancing their way, loudly whispering to the leader, “Red looks kinda sus.” The other two turned to look at him and chuckled, the leader letting out a quiet hiss with each laugh. Raph just rolled his eyes and went back to whatever he had been doing at the time.

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Raph slowly rolled over and leaned up to get up, legs swung over the side of the bed. He let out a soft sigh and was about to get up when he heard a small creak from outside his door. His head whipped so hard his mask tails would have hit him in the face if he had his mask on. 

So that’s why I’m awake, Raph thought to himself groggily. 

The silence seemed to stretch on forever until he heard quiet shuffling slowly continue away from the door. A single creak could be heard from where the staircase was, and then silence again. He contemplated going back to bed and hoping that sleep wouldn’t take so long to claim his eyes again when something gently tugged at his gut. All too familiar. He hadn’t felt that feeling in a long time; at least, not since Leo had… didn’t matter. If this feeling was the same as before, then whoever had been on the other side of his door needed someone at that moment, and just as luck would have it, Raph seemed to be the only other one awake at the time. 

Peachy. 

The giant turtle clapped both hands on either knee and stood to his feet, forgoing the red mask on the nightstand next to his bed. He snagged the maroon sweatpants hanging off of the chair next to his art desk and lazily slid his legs into them, tightening the drawstrings and tying them into a sloppy bow. He slowly turned the doorknob and quietly opened the old door, careful to minimize any protesting squeaks the decades-old hinges had in them. Closing the door behind him, he glanced down the hall to the stairs, a dull light shining from below. The kitchen. 

Avoiding the creaky floorboards he knew by heart, Raph tiptoed down the hallway and towards the stairs. He leaned over the railing, hands laced together and elbows leaning on the old wood banister overseeing the bottom floor. He listened intently for any cues as to who could be up this late. Mikey? Donnie? More than likely Donnie and his sleep deprived ass. The guy could be classified as 70% coffee instead of water at this point, despite whatever scientific bullshit his brother would spout at him about how that would be impossible. 

A light, rhythmic tapping could be heard from the kitchen below. Too high pitched to be Mikey’s nunchucks, too soft to be Donnie’s staff. One of the kiddos? They were all roomed together in the master bedroom upstairs as that was the only room that would fit them all. It couldn’t be one of the twins since they were always together, and when they were together, loud noises were sure to follow. That leaves them out. It was unlikely that it was the youngest kid of the bunch. The little leader always had a hand on the kid’s shoulder, and even when they didn’t, they always had an eye glued to him every five seconds, as if afraid that he would disappear from existence in an instant. So unless the tween had mastered the art of stealth, he was also out of the question. That left the stoic tank and the little leader themself. Again, the leader and the little tot were hardly ever apart, so by process of elimination, it had to be- 

Creeeaak

Raph cast a glance back down the hallway he came from, seeing the silhouette of a tall, quiet figure standing in the doorway. Ah, he thought somberly. Of course… if this was Leo, then of course it would be them. Raph turned to the eldest member, the hall and gave a gentle nod, a silent reassurance. They both stood there for a few seconds before the door quietly creaked shut again. 

Raph turned back to the light emanating from the kitchen below and sighed. This was more of Mikey’s thing, but what could Raph do? Leave the kid to have an existential crisis by themself in the middle of the night? Maybe. But then Raph would also have to have his own. It’s not like Raph could just go back to sleep, he was already awake and would take at least a few hours to go back to sleep. It wasn’t like he related to the kid at all, it wasn’t that at all. Totally. Definitely. He just didn’t think the kid deserved to be by themselves at this time of night. He could practically hear Mikey’s guilt tripping Splinter comment from all those months ago. They didn’t have a splinter. They didn’t have anyone. 

God damn it…

The giant turtle quietly made his way down the stairs, not bothering to avoid a few of the squeaky spots, and from the base of the staircase could see the younger mutant’s back turned towards him as they were leaned over the kitchen sink, the sound of running water echoing from the small room. Ta-tap, ta-tap, ta-tap, went their fingers on the countertop. He quietly made his way to them, stopping to lean against the frame of the threshold, arms folded and one foot leaned against the other ankle. He heard them swallow and set what he suspected to be their cup down in the sink with a light, metallic tap. They took in a shaky breath, and quietly they croaked out, “I’m fine, (TBD), just go back to-” they turned their head over their shoulder to look at who they thought was their friend, “...bed,” they finished, eyes widening as they had to glance up higher than where their friend’s head normally would be. Had their hood not cast a shadow over their face, Raph was sure that they would be as red as his bandana. Then again, Raph might have been a shade or two darker green himself. This was the first time he had ever heard the little leader’s actual voice instead of their whispering. It sounded broken, maybe even painful, and something in him felt like he was intruding, hearing something that wasn’t meant for him. 

When he realized that he had unintentionally widened his eyes in surprise, Raph tried his best to appear relaxed and unbothered, but he could see that it already had an effect on the kiddo. They glanced down to the floor, finding one of the cracked tiles to be the most interesting thing in the world at that moment. Shit. It was like looking at a wet puppy in the rain. Before the awkward silence could get any more unbearable, Raph said, “Ain’t (TBD), and definitely ain’t goin’ ta bed.” He glanced over the kid’s shoulder to the sink. “M’here same reason as you. Gettin’ water.” The younger mutant looked back up at him and shuffled aside. “Sorry, yeah, go ahead,” they whispered, crossing their arms and leaning against the left kitchen countertop. Raph pretended to ignore the sudden change in their behavior as he went to reach for the cabinet and grabbed a glass. 

As he filled the cup, he cast a side glance towards the kid and noticed how they tensed up under his gaze, trying to look elsewhere. He looked back to his cup and turned the water off. Taking a few steps back, he leaned against the counter opposite to them and took a large gulp. 

Nonchalantly swirling the remaining water in the cup and without looking at them, he said, “Sorry for startlin’ ya.” They sniffed softly. Cleared their throat. “S’fine, didn’t know it was you.” A pause. Without moving his head, he glanced at them. They were staring at him, but not really looking at him, just kind of acknowledging that he was in front of them. “Thought it was (TBD) ‘cause I heard the door creak open. He ok?” they asked. Raph looked back down at his cup and finished off the water. “Yeah, he’s alright, he just looked worried about somethin’ was all,” he answered as he set his cup down on the counter behind him. “You have a hard time sleepin’ a lot?” They raised an eyebrow at that and shrugged. “Who doesn’t at this point? Tiniest little noises will wake you up, even a mouse.” Raph let out a small huff of air through his nose.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Used to wake up whenever something was off with my bros. ‘Specially with… with Leo.” They perked up a little at the mention of his lost brother’s name. 

Good. 

“May I ask why?” they asked hesitantly. Raph shrugged and gave them a soft grin. “Yeah, you’re fine, but honestly, not even I know why. I just seemed ta always wake up whenever he wasn’t doin’ good.” 

Raph thought for a moment. Just how much should he share with the kid? Maybe… yeah, this’ll do, he thought to himself, thinking of a good story to share. “There was this one time, after a real bad patrol where he jus’... stopped talking to us for a while. This was back when we were kids, before the bomb.” He noticed how the kid had uncrossed their arms to put their hands in their pockets and seemed to lean a bit more towards him. So he continued.

“Mikey had almost got hurt bad, and Donnie’s weapon broke right in half. For the next couple’a days, I could hardly sleep a wink,” he continued. “Didn’t know why ‘til I got up in the middle of the night with a bad feelin’ in my gut. Left my room to go grab a cup of water,” Raph nodded his head towards the sink, and noticed the kid’s eyes darken a little in understanding,  “-and Leo was sat at the table with a cold cup of tea right in front of him.” He paused for a second to make sure the kid hadn’t completely shut him out now. They were tired, but they were still smart. Raph just hoped he could get to the point of his story before they tuned him out. 

“Now look, Leo was never the type to drink ice tea, much less let the tea go cold, so I knew something was seriously wrong. It wasn’t just another ‘leader must protect and be right at all times’ thing he did sometimes,” he continued, waving a hand to emphasize his poke at Leo.  “The guy looked exhausted. So, I grabbed my cup of water, and sat with him. We didn’t say anything for a while, but eventually, he told me he felt guilty about almost getting us all killed. Just let him talk.” He paused, studying them for a few seconds. They were still leaned more towards him than the countertop, listening intently. “When he was done, it was like he had let a big rock roll off his shoulders. After that, we both slept for 12 hours straight… and somehow, Mikey didn’t wake either of us during that time,” he finished with a soft chuckle. The kid smirked at that. At least they could agree on something as simple as who was the noisy early bird. 

They glanced at the floor for a moment before looking back at Raphael. “Did he still think it was his fault? Blame himself?” they asked. It was Raph’s turn to arch an eyebrow, that is, if he had any. “You shittin’ me? O’course he did, but do you really think I would just let him get away with talking shit about himself? Nah, only I’m allowed to talk shit about my bros. Everyone else can suck it,” he snarked. His lighthearted smirk turned to a grin when he managed to get a more vocal chuckle out of the mutant. They both let the comfortable silence stretch on for a little while longer before Raph continued. 

“Ever since then, every time I had a bad feelin’, I would go check on my bros, makin’ sure they were alright.” He thought for a few seconds, looking at the floor, the grin slowly fading to a flat line again. “Haven’t had that gut feeling in a long while though. A’least,” he looked them in the eyes, “not until tonight.” 

He knew the kid understood the moment he mentioned the water in the beginning of his story, but from the way they immediately looked back down at the floor, glaring at a tile as if it murdered their father, this time it might have really hit them what Raph was hinting at. They looked as if they had shrunk in on themselves, trying to put that wall back up. “So…” he said softly, barely above a whisper. “Why are you awake?” 

They furrowed their brows. “Just nightmares and all. It’s not like I haven’t been waking up every now and then you know.” Raph nodded. “Yeah, I pieced that together a little while ago. Been waking up too.” He lazily pushed himself off the counter and ran a head over his head to rub the back of his neck, the other on his hip. “You don’t have to share the nightmares with me if ya don’t feel comfortable.” He took a step towards the kid.

 “Just know that if ya ever want someone to listen, someone who’s not gonna go ‘therapist mode’ on ya, or anyone else who’ll try an’ drag the answer outta ya, my door’s always open.” He placed the hand that was on his neck onto the kid’s head, gently rubbing. “Metaphorically. Try ta’ knock first or some’n,” he added. 

The kid let out a huff of air through their nose. “Thanks but no thanks,” they said lifting an arm to shove the giant three fingered hand off of them. “Knocking sounds too difficult.” Raph snorted at that and playfully shoved his other hand on the kid’s face, getting a muffled growl from them. “My bad, shouldn’t’ve put such high expectations on ya.” They shoved the other hand off more roughly than before, but with a silly grin plastered on their face. “Now get yer ass to bed, drinkin’ water doesn’t take this long.” The kid rolled their eyes and, dragging their feet, sauntered out of the kitchen towards the staircase. 

Raph went to turn the light switch off when he noticed a glint in the kid’s eyes as they watched him from the base of the stairs. It was a little eerie, Raph thought, how the light just barely illuminated their eyes like that while their hood shadowed the rest of their face, making their expression indiscernible. But, as they say, the eyes are the windows to the soul. Try as they might, the kid wasn’t as stoic as they thought they were. The two made eye contact for a moment before the kid brought two fingers to their forehead in a mock salute, and started up the stairs. Raph smiled lightheartedly at the kid’s friendly farewell and gently clicked the light off. 

It was two months later when the late night conversations really began.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Raph had woken up in the dark again, this time, the pull in his gut feeling a lot stronger than the last time. He sat up quickly, closing his eyes, listening to the house. Aside from any low hums or the faint whirring from Donnie’s machinery in the basement, there was nothing out of the ordinary. No footsteps, no shuffling, no voices, no creaks, nothing. He opened his eyes and grabbed his sweats off the chair by his drawing desk. He roughly shoved his feet through the pant legs and tied the drawstrings into a hasty knot. Quickly, Raph opened his bedroom door and immediately looked down the hall to where the kiddos’ room was, finding their bedroom door shut. He looked the other way, a dull light emanating from downstairs. The kitchen again. Not bothering to close the door behind him, he padded quietly along the floorboards, avoiding the noisiest ones as he descended the stairs. 

The giant turtle paused at the bottom of the stairs, looking at the seemingly empty kitchen doorway. As he tiptoed across the kitchen threshold, Raph couldn’t help feeling that something was off, more so than the first time he and the young mutant had spoken. All was quiet, save for a dull thud noise coming from the sink, the leaky faucet dripping every couple of seconds or so. 

Drip, drip… drip, drip… drip- squeak

Raph twisted the faucet off, the silence engulfing the entire room. There was an empty glass in the sink, probably from when the kid was downstairs. Looking up and around the kitchen, said kid was nowhere to be seen. Where the hell… The turtle mutant was about to flip the switch off and head upstairs to maybe talk to the kid tomorrow when he barely noticed the dark silhouette of someone sitting on the couch in the living room just to the left of the kitchen area. Unsure if they were looking his way or not, he made himself known. “Kid?” 

If they weren’t aware of his presence, they were now, as the light from the kitchen bounced off their eyes when they turned. Raph furrowed his brow in concern and confusion at the kid, the sleep in his throat making his voice sound more harsh than he meant to. “Kid, what are you doin’ down ‘ere?” 

They were quiet for a moment before they turned away, the glint disappearing, and whispered, “You know… just getting water.” Raph hummed softly, lowering his hand from the switch. “What are you doing down here?” they asked in return. 

He shrugged, lazily sauntering over to the living area. “Not water.” He stood by the couch for a moment or two before deciding to sit down next to the kid. Being closer to them now, he could see that they were curled up, knees to their chest, tucked away into the furthest corner of the couch. “Ya seem to be awfully cozy for someone only here for water,” he teased. They let out a tired scoff in a huff of air. “Oh yeah, the shitty, scratchy couch is the most comfortable spot to drink water. The best. You should try it, go grab a glass.” Raph snorted lightly and leaned back with his arms crossed. 

“Y’know as much as I like yer smartass banter, I also like seein’ ya without bags under yer eyes. So what’s up?”

They shrugged. “Just updog tonight, what about you?” 

“Kid.”

They said nothing, the glint disappearing into the dark again. The dark shape of their body seemed to shrink as they hugged their legs tighter and closer to their chest. Raph turned his body towards the kid, leaning an arm against his knee. Softly, he whispered, “Hey… what happened?” He heard them take in a shuddering breath and let it out in one big rush, trying to ground themselves. They took a while to respond, but Raph waited patiently. Clearly something was really eating away at them, and by the looks of them, something had been for a while. “Just- just nightmares, Raphael, nothing I can’t handle.” 

He let out a sigh through his nose. “Kid, you never use my full name.” 

“Sorry I just- look- I am fine, I will be fine, just need a minute to fuckin’ breathe.”

“Looks like ya’ve had plenty’a minutes there.”

“Not enough apparently,” they said, running a hand over their face. “M’fine, just needed water and a minute to myself and I’ll be peachy.” Their breath had picked up the pace in the few sentences Raph had managed to get out of them. Probably wouldn’t be the best idea to try and pry a real answer out of them right now, not yet. 

The kid’s breathing slowly became more ragged and shallow, trying as they might to cover it. As Raph’s eyes adjusted to the dark, he could see the kid run a hand through their hair, gripping it tight. “Just nightmares…” they muttered. “Just… nightmares…” Like they were trying to convince themselves that. The turtle inched closer to the kid, their shoulder almost touching his. “Hey… kid?” he whispered, placing a hand on the young mutant’s back. And with that and one last shaky breath in, the kid crumbled. 

The kid’s cries were so quiet, but the sobs wracked their entire body, even shaking the cushions around them. Shit… Raph immediately wrapped an arm around their shoulders, squeezing them gently. They clutched their head in both their hands, fingers entangled painfully tight in their hair. Fuck- what would Mikey do in this situation, Raph frantically thought to himself. 

Hesitantly, he let the kid’s shoulder go and started to slowly make rubbing motions on their back, from their lower back, to the base of their neck. “Kid, take it easy, ok? I know that’s easier said than done, but you gotta breathe.” He dragged his hand down. “Breathe in…” Raph took a deep breath in. “Aaannd out…” He dragged his hand up as he sighed. Their breaths were erratic and shallow. “Pretend that my hand is yer diaphragm, where it holds, you hold.” Down. “Where it moves, you move.” Up. “Slow… and steady…” He placed his other hand on the kid’s left shoulder, thumb gently rubbing up and down in time with the exercise. 

“Breathe in…” 

Down…

“Aaannd out…”

Up…

“Breathe in…”

Down…

“Aaannd out…”

Up…

 Their breaths, although still as shaky as a leaf in a storm, began to follow the pace, wavering slightly on the inhale. “You’re gonna be ok, kiddo,” Raph whispered. “I’ve gotcha.” Their fingers loosened their grip. “Raph’s gotcha…” Their breathing fell into rhythm. 

For the next few minutes, Raph just rubbed the kid’s back, breathing when they did, and applying more pressure if the kid seemed to be receding back into hyperventilation. At least they weren’t pulling their hair out anymore, that was the last thing anyone needed, especially with a mother hen like Mikey wandering about. He could practically hear the so-called “Dr. Feelings” squawking “what the hell happened?!” as soon as he woke up. As much as Raph loved his little brother, the guy could be really nosey. Sure, he had his reasons to be concerned with everyone’s safety, seeing how there may or may not be a decade-long apocalypse going on, but after tonight, the kid was probably just going to need some space and sleep. Lots of sleep. The poor kid probably had extra eye bags by now. 

Slowly, Raph moved his arm to wrap around the kid’s shoulders again when it seemed that they had finally gotten a better grip on themselves, figuratively speaking. He gave their opposite shoulder a gentle squeeze in silent question, and felt himself relax in relief when they leaned their head towards his hand in answer. After a few moments, they opened their eyes again, casting a side glance towards the giant turtle. The light from the kitchen reflected off their eyes again as they looked at him, only this time, there was a softness to them. 

They didn’t say anything, but they did grab his hand in their much, much, smaller one, giving it a reassuring rub. Raph hummed softly and gave the kid a gentle squeeze. They closed their eyes tiredly and leaned into the turtle, their breathing finally slow and calm. And there the two sat in silence for another few minutes, enjoying the calm after the storm, relief swallowing them whole. 

Just as Raph thought that he should “rest” his eyes, he blinked them open, and shook the kid’s shoulders just enough to get them awake too. “Should probably get back ta bed,” he said. They groaned quietly and blinked rapidly at the light from the kitchen, wincing. The turtle let out a chuckle, laughing at their misery. “Don’t think (TBD) would evah let ya live it down if he evah caught ya bein’ all buddy buddy with yer arch nemesis, now would he?” he teased. As they stretched their arms up in the air, they also extended the best finger out of all five of them directly towards Raph’s face, to which he let out an amused snort. “Aw, what’s’a matter, I thought we were buddies,” he chuckled, elbowing the kid lightly in the ribs. They groaned and got up from their seat, giving the turtle a half hearted scowl, trying and failing to hide a grin. 

They walked into the kitchen, the kid tiredly dragging their feet along the ground and Raph right behind them to make sure they didn’t trip. As they turned to exit and go back upstairs, they turned to the turtle, as if waiting for him to follow. “Don’t worry about me, I’m gonna grab a glass before I turn in,” he said pointing a thumb towards the sink. “You just get some much needed shut eye.” They nodded, and turned away to leave, but hesitated and slightly raised a hand instead. 

Without looking at the Raph, they brought their hand up to their face, touching their chin with four fingers, and back down, palm facing upwards. Raph looked from them to their hand, back up to their face, and gave them a soft smile. “No thanks necessary, kiddo.” He took a step towards them and placed his hand on their head, gently ruffling their hair. “Like I said, my door’s always open. If ya ever need anythin’, you know where ta find me.” The kid grinned back, looking him in the eyes this time, and nodded. “Good… now get yer ass to bed, it’s 3 in the goddamn morning,” he finished sternly. The kid just rolled their eyes and turned on their heel, quietly tiptoeing back up the stairs. 

As he flicked the light off, Raph noticed that the pull in his stomach stopped. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later, Raph looked down at the small mutant sitting on the couch yet again, with his arms crossed as he leaned against the doorway in the kitchen. “So.” They glanced up at him. “Ya gonna tell me what’s been eatin’ ya?” he asked them. 

Raph had woken up a few minutes ago to a light knock on his door around 4 in the goddamn am. He swore he would murder whoever dared wake him up before the asscrack of dawn as he harshly swung his door open, only to have to look down from where he expected Mikey’s or Donnie’s head to be and at the little leader. 

They flinched at his harsh gaze, stuttering out, “Uh, sorry, I just-” “Nah, it’s fine,” he interrupted. “M’glad it’s you.” He let his gaze soften after he realized that it was just the kid, and nodded his head towards the stairs. “You wanna talk?” Relaxing their shoulders, they nodded.

A few minutes later, they were both back in the kitchen, Raph leaning against the doorway and the kid sitting on the couch, leaning on their knees. “I will, but only on one condition,” they answered, raising a pointed finger in the air. “We discuss this over a cup of coffee.” Narrowing his eyes at the kid, Raph felt as if he was in one of his old comics as he could practically see the ellipse hovering in the air between them.

“It’s… four o’fucking’clock… in the fucking morning,” he said slowly. The kid nodded slowly in return. “Eeeexactly,” they drawled mockingly. 

“No,” the turtle said lowly. 

“Yes.” they spoke.

They spoke. They were being completely serious. 

It’s too early for this shit, but Raph did tell them that his door was open, so… The turtle drawled out quite possibly the world’s longest sigh as he turned back towards the kitchen to put on a pot of water. “Thaaank youuuuu,” they whispered. Raph waved a hand in their direction, grumbling, “Yeah, yeah, whatever, not like either of us would’ve gone ta bed any time soon anyway…”

As soon as the coffee was done brewing, poured into two cups, and cooled to an appropriate temperature, Raph handed the mini mutant a smaller mug and nodded his head in the direction of the front door, indicating that they should continue their conversation where prying eyes and sleepy heads would not be able to follow. The front door screamed open as the turtle pushed it open with one arm, causing the smaller mutant to cringe and Raph to wince at his sad attempt to be more quiet for those still sleeping. He followed after the kid, slowly closing the door behind him this time. 

As they stepped outside into the chilly morning air, the kid shuddered, bringing their mug closer to their chest for warmth. Raph closed the door more softly behind him and lumbered over to his favorite seat outside. He leaned back into the porch chair, the wood squeaking lightly from the humidity. The mutant took a long, noisy sip from their mug, which they had clutched in both hands to help warm them up. They sighed contentedly from the warmth, and Raph chuckled softly. 

“Well?” he asked. He took a long sip as well, shivering lightly as he felt the hot liquid warm him up from the inside out. “It’s good,” the kid said, taking another sip. Raph raised an arch at that. The sass is strong in this one, he thought sarcastically. They gave him a blank stare before raising their eyebrows in realization. “Oh. Right.” Raph chuckled lowly, shaking his head a little at their response. Dumbass. 

“Ok, so,” they held up a finger as they took another gulp of the hot drink. “I’m, uh… not good at this talking thing.” They shrugged their shoulders as they looked to Raph for any guidance. 

Tough luck. 

When he didn’t respond, they continued. “I uh… I’ve been having nightmares for a long time, ever since I first got mutated. They didn’t stop until about… a year ago? Ish?” They took another sip, staring at the liquid in their cup as they collected their thoughts. “But then… they started again, about 3 months ago.” They looked up at the larger mutant, waiting for some sort of response. 3 months ago… am I supposed to know- oh, he thought to himself. He took a gulp from his mug, letting one arm rest across his plastron as he thought how to respond. This is gonna be a heavy conversation, maybe he should have made a stronger batch of coffee. “I’m guessing this is about the trip to Jersey?” Raph more asked than said. When they nodded, he nodded in return, his suspicions proven true. 

Yep, he should have made a stronger batch. 

“Which part about it?” They took a deep breath in. “Uhhhh, justabouteverythingfromthatday aaaand mostly about when I nearly lost my little brother,” they let out in one rush. “And look, I know we survived, I mean, I’m here, he’s here, you’re here, everyone made it back in one piece somehow. But…” They looked back down at their mug. “But I still see him falling over the edge of the building. The mutipedes squirming all over the walls. I see him clutching onto my hand for dear life. And every time I do, I see the mutagen being injected into his skin, his body just…” They curled their fingers in front of their face. “Just… and I can’t hold him. I let go, or his hand slips, or he lets me go because he knows there is no other choice. 

“A-and sometimes…” they stuttered, “Sometimes I dream that it’s me falling over the edge.” They pause, staring into their cup like it’s a black hole. “I used to go on short walks, or ‘patrols’ I would tell the guys, when it was just the five of us to shake it off, but after a while, that stopped working, and I would just stay up as long as I could so that I wouldn’t go back into the same hellscape,” they continued. “After you guys took us in, I would just stay up all night or grab a glass from downstairs to calm down before trying to go back to sleep.” 

Raph hummed, swirling the drink in his mug. “But that stopped workin’ too, didn’t it?” he assumed. They nodded slowly. “Yeah. Yeah it- it didn’t work nearly as long as walking around did.” They swung the mug back as they finished off the rest of the coffee. “When (TBD) caught onto my night terrors, long before we ever met you guys, I made him swear not to tell the others. They’d already had enough on their plate after the sixth member disappeared a couple years back, and I didn’t want them to have another thing to worry about. There’s no room for emotional support in the apocalypse.” Raph scoffed. “Mikey would disagree with that,” he muttered, sipping his drink. They chuckled softly. “Yeah, well, we didn’t have a Mikey.” 

“The attacks only started a few weeks ago,” they backpedaled, “The water cup stopped working longer before that, but it made a convenient excuse to leave the bedroom and go get it over with in private.” Raph thought back a few days ago, when he saw the small figure sitting silently in the dark. When he met the kid’s eyes, they shared the same knowing look. “Just get it over with and go back to bed. Easy peasy, don’t have to make anyone worry,” they said with mock cheer. 

Raph downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp, and with a solid clack, he set the cup down on the table next to his chair. “Yeah well, that’s bullshit. Cause there are people worryin’ about ya cause they care. That’s what families do.” The kid raised an eyebrow at him. “You say that like you’re experienced in that field,” they say skeptically. Raph chuckled lowly, shaking his head. This kid has no idea. 

Before he could get another word out, the kid raised a hand, sternly saying, “Look, I don’t want advice or nothin’, I’m only talking cause you wanted me to. I know that (TBD) and the others would want me to share what’s been going on in my head with them, but I’ve only shared the bare minimum with you. The whole story is… it’s too much. Too painful.” They averted their gaze, staring at one of the wooden planks. “They might understand too much. I don’t want them to have to think about it.” 

“What, you don’t think they’re strong ‘nough to hear it?” Raph asked. “No-” they quickly looked back up at him. “-well… yes but- ugh, no, but yes at the same time.” They sighed exasperatedly. 

“It won’t make sense unless I tell you the full story-” 

“What story…?” Raph interrupted. 

They snapped a finger and pointed at him. “Exactly. I can’t tell them the full story. Ever.”

He was so fucking lost. The kid was holding back on him and he didn’t like it. So this is how Mikey felt all that time, he thought. But whatever, Raph still had some of his own secrets, so he wasn’t about to be the world’s scaliest hypocrite and force the kid to share too. The young mutant must’ve been able to tell how confused the reptile was, because they let out a tired sigh as they continued. “Look, the truth would crush them. It would break their hearts, and then everyone would have trouble sleeping. I’d rather just sit with it and let it simmer away.” 

God, why was this kid such an angst magnet. “I hate to be the Mikey here, kid, but you’re lettin’ it simmer away in a bottle. It’s only gonna get hotter and hotter until the glass can’t hold anymore and it’s gonna explode fuckin’ everywhere, metaphorical glass pieces stabbin’ anyone and everyone within close range. Unless ya take the top off, it’s only gonna get worse from ‘ere.” They gave him a deadpan look. 

“I just told you I’m not telling them.”

“Who said you gotta?”

“You did.”

“Nah, I just said that unless ya take the top off the bottle, it’s gonna explode. 

If ya wanna keep yer secrets, fine, but ya gotta find an outlet other than having private panic attacks every goddamn night.” Their expression softened at the suggestion. Maybe they were finally gonna listen to something. “If ya want, I can show ya mine,” he offered. They shifted their stance, interest peaked. “And what’s that?” 

Cautiously, Raph looked behind him through the window into the house, head turning left then right before leaning forward on his knees, beckoning the kid to come closer. As they did, Raph cupped his hand over his mouth and quietly whispered, “Punching shit.” 

. . . . . . .

Quietly huffing a few laughs, they leaned away again, shoulders shaking lightly. “Wow, sounds really complicated,” they said in a totally, completely serious tone, much like Donnie’s whenever Raph pulled some stupid stunt. “I know, right? Mikey would be so proud,” Raph said in the same tone, mockingly. 

They shook their head, still having a laugh at Raph’s complicated, over-the-top, advanced coping mechanism. “When do we start?” 

================================================

Thank you for reading! I hope you all liked this so far, it's been a story stuck in my head for ages.

I do plan on continuing this, I just cut the whole thing in half so that I could polish up the rest of it. The second half is going to be on a much brighter note with a side of angst and some words that some of you may or may not want to hear :)c

Let me know what you all thought and if you have any questions about any of the characters I have so far. I'm currently working on physical designs so that I won't be the only one able to spin them in my head like 3d prints of nonsense.

[ericshoney]

Talkative ~ Matt Sturniolo

Warnings: Mentions of mental health, anxiety, selective mute!reader

~~~~~~~~~~

You were sat on the sofa, waiting for Matt. The two of you had planned to spend the day together, Nick having a meeting for Space Camp and Chris already gone with some other friends.

The house was unusually quiet, which made you feel more relaxed. You and the triplets had been friends for a while now and were great with your anxiety and selective mutism. You would talk more to the guys at home rather than out and about, a few words here and there, or a nod of your head. The triplets were understanding and knew if you needed anything.

"Hey, you ready?" Matt called as he walked through from his bedroom.

"Yeah." You answered quietly.

You loved all three of the brothers, but with Matt you felt as if you could talk more and not have to shout. It was more calm and relaxed with just Matt, which sometimes, you needed.

You both went down to the garage and got in the car. Matt put some music on low so you could still hear it, but not be overwhelmed by the noise.

"Where do you want to eat?" Matt asked you as he began driving.

"Mcdonalds please." You answered, making him nod.

Matt then drove towards Mcdonalds. You looked at your phone, notifications from TikTok popping up. As you watched some videos, small giggles escaped your lips, making Matt smile.

"What's so funny, sweetheart?" He asked.

"This girl pranking her brother. Like it's so simple but so funny and he never sees it coming." You explained.

Matt smiled, he loved when you talked more. He fully understood your struggles and was there to support you along with Nick and Chris, but when you were in a chatty mood, it made him smile more.

"Sounds fun. Oh look we're here, what do you want?" He replied.

You looked up and realised you had arrived at Mcdonalds quite quickly. You gave Matt your order as he pulled up in the drive-thru. Once he had ordered for you both, paid and collected the food, he turned to you.

"Now where would you like to go?" He questioned.

"Can we just park up somewhere and people watch?" You responded.

"Sure." He replied.

Matt then drove to a spot that wasn't too busy, but a few people so you could watch. You both started to eat your food, watching the world go by.

"Woah look at this dude!" You exclaimed.

Matt looked at where you were pointing and saw a guy walking past. He had bright green hair.

"That's a bold move." Matt said.

"Yeah, could you imagine having that hair colour? Have you ever thought about dying your hair? Imagine if Nick tried green hair!" You rambled on, making Matt smile. It wasn't often you had bursts of energy to talk, but boy did he love it.

"Nick would look so goofy with green hair." He said.

"He would." You nodded in agreement.

You two soon fell silent again, whilst eating, before you turned to Matt.

"Matt...am I weird?" You questioned randomly.

"What, no. Why would you think that?" He replied.

"Just that....Sometimes I don't talk a lot....or at all, but today all I wanna do is talk." You said, looking at his blue eyes for comfort.

"Sweetheart, it's okay. It's what makes you, you. We, I, understand your selective mutism and your anxiety. It's all okay to not want to join in a conversation, or talk at all, or talk loads. What matters is your happiness. Nick, Chris and I all understand and are fully supportive and here for you whenever. Don't put yourself down, darling." He said, making you smile.

"Thanks Matt." You said.

"Of course. Now how about you finish up and then we go get Happy Ice?" He suggested.

"Yeah!" You cheered loudly.

Matt smiled wide at your reaction and knew you were happy, which made him happy.

[juniperskye]

Silence is Louder than Words.

Sneak peek: Joel and Ellie return to Jackson, Tommy gets them set up in a home on the outskirts of the community (per Joel’s request). Joel notices they have a neighbor and takes an interest in her. Tommy lets him know that they don’t know much about you other than you had been through some serious shit, but that you haven’t spoken a word since you’d arrived in Jackson. Tommy asks Joel to keep an eye on you…and in doing so, Joel may just be able to break through your defenses.

Joel Miller x (Fem) Reader

Fluff/Angst

Word count: 3512

REQUESTS ARE OPEN - not edited, I did my best (ngl I had so much more planned for this but it didn't seem like it would work in this part of the story...so maybe more to come. IDK) - please be kind. Requests are open and feedback is welcome if it's constructive!

Warnings: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! My blog is 18+, minors DNI, minimal use of y/n (there were parts it just couldn’t be avoided), No description of reader other than she/her pronouns and her sister was similar to Ellie (could be perceived as personality), implied age gap (kinda?), explicit language, reader has selective mutism due to trauma, Canon typical violence, PTSD, panic attacks, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, mention of r*pe (past trauma, not detailed), mention of pregnancy (past, not detailed), mention of child murder (past, some detail), mention of murder. IF THESE ARE TRIGGERS FOR YOU, DO NOT READ!!!

I do not consent to having my work translated or reposted to any other site. That being said I do not own the characters portrayed in this story.

“Joel, it’s really good to have you guys back here…safe.” Tommy said, pulling away from Joel.

“We’re glad to be back.” Joel grunted.

“Well, I have you guys situated in a house on the outermost part of the community. I figured you’d prefer it that way.” Tommy explained.

“Thanks Tommy.” Joel nodded.

Tommy led Ellie and Joel over to a house that was quite literally on the outskirts of the Jackson compound. Joel took note of the lack of neighbors as they walked further and further and it put his mind at ease, knowing he’d have some privacy. As they neared the house, it was Ellie who noticed the small white house just off to the left of their own.

“Who lives there?” Ellie questioned.

“Oh, that’s Y/N’s house. She’s real quiet, y’all won’t have to worry about her stirring up any trouble.” Tommy informed.

“I thought you said no neighbors?” Joel gruffed.

“Joel, she’s quiet. You don’t have to worry about that. Honestly, I was kind of hoping you’d keep an eye on her, just make sure she’s okay.” Tommy pleaded.

“Tommy, I’m not gonna play babysitter for a grown ass woman.”

“That’s not what I’m askin’ and you know it. She just – she’s been through it. She keeps to herself mostly and Maria and I worry about her.” Tommy explained.

“Fine. I’ll keep an eye on her. But I’m not gonna go and chit chat with her.” Joel rolled his eyes.

“I wouldn’t expect that.” Tommy began. “From either of you.” He mumbled. “Why don’t y’all head in and get settled, you can meet Maria and me for dinner. Sound good?”

“We will be there!” Ellie replied, pulling Joel inside by the sleeve before he could decline.

Joel couldn’t help but wonder why Tommy was so worried about you. Tommy had boasted about how the people of Jackson were all strong and each held their own. They wouldn’t be here otherwise. So, what was your deal? He’d mentioned that you had gone through some tough shit, but what was it? He had to say, he was intrigued.

His interest only grew once he saw you for the first time. It was about a week after his and Ellie’s arrival back in Jackson. You had been walking around the mess hall with a basket full of homemade goods, passing them around to people. He’d seen you pass out a few bottles of what he assumed to be some sort of toiletries as well as some clothing items to various people.

Joel waited until Ellie had run off to sit with some of her new friends to ask about you.

“So, what’s her deal?” Joel inquired.

“Who? Y/N…I thought you weren’t playing babysitter?” Tommy teased.

“I’m not. I just want to know why you think she needs looking after.” Joel replied.

“Honestly Joel, we don’t know much about her. She hasn’t said a single word in the four years she’s lived here.” Maria informed.

“Bullshit. She’s said somethin’ at some point.” Joel scoffed.

“No, Joel she really hasn’t. She knows some sign, but she mostly writes stuff down if she really needs to communicate.” Tommy said.

“Damn. Well, what’s her role around here since she doesn’t talk?” Joel couldn’t help but be confused.

“She makes all sorts of stuff for the people of our community. She’s figured out how to make shampoo, soap, lotion, sunblock, toothpaste…I mean the list goes on. She also repairs clothing when necessary, she’s the best seamstress in town.” Maria smiled at how wonderful you’d been since your arrival, jumping right in to contribute.

Joel was taken aback at how much you clearly brought to the community. Despite your silence, you’d made yourself known. Joel could see how you were well liked based on the greetings you’d received from those you were delivering to. He found it very odd that you’d keep to yourself despite Jackson’s fondness for you.

Joel had always been a loner, but it had been due to his stubbornness, sarcasm, potty mouth and overall negative attitude. His mother had always said “Joel, ever the pessimist” when he’d say something even remotely negative in his youth.

Learning all this about you had only transformed Joel’s intrigue into a need to know you. He couldn’t help how he was drawn to you, he wondered if it was because, perhaps, you were kindred spirits.

Joel woke with a gasp, his body covered in a cold sweat. Another nightmare, it had been the same recurring dream night after night since he’d found Ellie. Every time he made it through the hospital, and he’d gotten to the operating room, only this time he barges in to see the doctor holding her brain in his hands.

He woke up the same way too. Startled awake, laying in a pool of his own sweat. Joel tried to get back to sleep, but it was no use. He thought about it and decided to take a walk to clear his mind, now that he and Ellie were in the safe confines of Jackson, he was able to do so.

Joel didn’t want to stray too far in the case that Ellie needed him, so he was more so pacing from the front of their house, over to the front of yours. It was a warm and humid evening; Jackson had been nearing Autumn and Joel was looking forward to the break in the weather.

A muffled shout pulled Joel’s attention from smacking the mosquito that had surely bitten him by now. He glanced back toward his house to see if Ellie’s light had been turned on – nothing. He shook his head, ready to brush away the thought when he heard a louder scream, only it was coming from your home.

Joel rushed to the door listening just to be sure and when he heard you scream again he was quick to open the door. He was surprised to find it unlocked, although the people of Jackson seemed at ease in their community.

He swiftly surveyed the room, desperate to find you and ensure your safety. Joel found you thrashing around on your couch, screaming, begging for help. He made his way over to where you were laying and gently placed his hand on your shoulder. He shook you a few times to rouse you, but when you woke, you hadn’t reacted how Joel would have expected.

“What? What are you doing here? GET OUT!” You shouted, pushing Joel away from you.

Joel shot up, mostly in shock at hearing you speak for the first time, but also to follow your request. He made his leave, not wanting to upset you any further.

You couldn’t believe it. Joel had come into your home and woken you up. What was he thinking? Why had he been there? Had your nightmare haunted you so badly that your screams could be heard from his home? You were horrified and humiliated. You had done so well, hiding your demons, shoving them down so far that no one could see, and in a single night they’d all come out and bore themselves to none other than Joel miller.

The next few days were horrible. You had done everything in your power to avoid Joel, who seemed to be seeking you out. On top of that, your insomnia had made a wonderful return. Your mind refusing respite in fear of Joel finding you in another traumatic night terror.

You weren’t sure what had even caused your nightmare that night. You hadn’t had one in nearly a year, but thinking about it, there were a few potential triggers that came to mind. The first possibility was Maria being far enough along in her pregnancy to be showing, the second being Ellie’s striking similarities to your sister, and the last being Tommy’s mention of them finding and taking care of some raiders on his patrol that day.

Hell, it was probably a combination of all those things that had you reliving some of the worst moments of your life. You hoped that the feelings would soon pass so you could get some sleep.

“Tommy, I need you to be straight with me. What happened to Y/N before she got here? Like what do you know about her?” Joel pushed.

“Joel, I already told you we don’t know much.” Tommy huffed.

“But you know something!”

“Okay listen, she arrived here alone. She had a small pack with her and that was it. Maria and I sat with her and asked her dozens of questions, and we didn’t get a single word out of her. I stepped out to deal with something and when I got back, she had been writing her responses to Maria. I know that she had previously been with a group but none of them survived. And based on what I saw, I’d say whatever happened wasn’t pretty.” Tommy explained.

Joel just nodded, content with learning more about you. But still so curious to know what was haunting you. He couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to protect you. Of wanting to find what was causing you harm and making it so it could never hurt you again. He’s trying desperately to figure out this need to hold you and make everything okay, why he was so drawn to you.

“Look Joel, Maria told you how much she does for the community, and you’ve seen for yourself that she sticks to herself, she’s quiet, and she doesn’t cause trouble. So, we don’t push her to know more. The last thing I will say is that whatever she went through…she is a damn good shot. Do with that information what you will.” Tommy patted Joel on the shoulder and walked off.

Joel sat with the information for a bit. Had you been forced to kill your way to Jackson, is that what was haunting you? That is something that is justified, those things, they aren’t people anymore and raiders well if you didn’t kill them, then they surely would kill you so again justified. It had to have been something far worse if you refused to speak.

Joel decided he’d observe you, and he’d be there when you had another nightmare. Since losing Sarah, Joel hadn’t really wanted to be around anyone. Tess was stubborn, more so than Joel, so she was able to force herself in – and even then he didn’t open up much. And well, Ellie, she was his second chance at being a dad. But you, you had come in and taken up residency in Joel’s mind and it was because of that feeling, one he hadn’t experienced in a long time, that he knew he needed to break down your walls.

And that is how Joel found himself trying to comfort you through another nightmare. Joel had been out walking late at night again, the nights had started to finally cool off and he’d found it helped clear his head to take walks like this one.

It was nearing two in the morning when he heard it, your cries for help. He made his way up your porch steps and carefully tried the handle, saying a silent cheer when the handle turned, and the door gave way.

This had been different than the last time, as he approached you, he noticed the tear tracks lining your cheeks and he could hear your quiet whimpers. He knew he had to do this right if he was going to get you to let him in.

“Sweetheart? Wake up, you’re safe. I’m here and you are okay.” He gently shook you.

You woke up, startled once again to find Joel Miller is the one waking you. This man had a lot of nerve letting himself into your house, yet again, and while you’d love to give him an earful right now, the pain of what your nightmare had brought forth in your mind was crippling.

So, you threw yourself into Joel’s arms. He wrapped himself around you and repositioned himself, so he was sat on the couch, and you were in his lap. Your face was buried in his neck and his arms were tight around your waist. He ran his fingers gently through your hair and whispered reassurances in your ear.

He held you until you fell asleep and when you woke up at sunrise, he released you and saw himself out. He knew he had to gain your trust, and it would take time. This is how it would need to be done, he would have to keep quiet and leave when the morning came.

A few hours later, after he and Ellie had breakfast, she was heading out to school. Joel was expecting her to leave like usual, so he was pretty confused when she returned to the kitchen carrying a small wicker basket.

“This was on the porch, I gotta head to class or I’ll be late!” She waved and headed out.

“Thanks kiddo. Have a good day.” Joel said goodbye.

He slowly pulled the items from the basket and a small smile graced his features. He brought them out one-by-one, a bottle of sunscreen, a bar of soap, some solid deodorant and a new flannel shirt. Beneath everything was a small note.

"Joel, I wanted to give you these as a sort of thank you and apology. Sorry for yelling at you that first night and thank you for last night. I figured you and Ellie could use some hygiene products that weren’t pre-apocalyptic. I also noticed how torn up your flannel had been and wanted you to have one that wasn’t threadbare.                                                                                                 -Y/N”

Joel’s smile grew, this was just the beginning of his mission to break down your walls and it was off to a successful start.

You proceeded to have nightmares at least twice a week for the next three months. Joel was with you for every single one. Each time he’d gently wake you and he’d shush you, assuring that you were okay. The only thing that had changed was that more recently, Joel would carry you off of the couch and to your room, where he’d hold you close until you fell asleep.

In the last week the nightmares had come every night, and while Joel so badly wanted to ask why, he knew that he had to let you come to him. You had spoken to him in two-to-three-word responses in the last few weeks and Joel was so glad that you’d been able to open up to him even that much.

What he didn’t know was that the reason your nightmares had become more frequent was because Maria had finally given birth. Seeing her with her baby had been killing you, it had brought back so many awful memories and you knew that you’d need to tell Joel. You’d wanted to tell him days ago why you had been having such a hard time, but you were also terrified of it changing the dynamic between you.

Something was different tonight; you had slipped Joel a note during dinner at the mess hall, inviting him to come by your place a bit earlier. When he arrived you couldn’t help but be nervous, you felt so unsure of everything, but you were starting to trust Joel and some part of you knew that he would understand everything.

You had decided it was now or never. He had been with you every night of the week and he never pushed you to share. He told you about what he had been through and some of the things he had done to get here and had let you meet him with silence. You supposed now was your turn to share.

“Joel?”

“Yeah sweetheart?” He tried to hide his surprise at your initiation.

“I want to tell you what happened…is that okay?”

“Of course, sweet girl. Only share what you’re comfortable with okay? I ain’t goin’ anywhere.” Joel pressed a light kiss to your temple.

“So, it started with my sister and I, she was younger than me, Ellie reminds me a lot of her. She and I well, we got caught up with these raiders. Well, they, they uh…” You choked.

“It’s okay honey, take your time.” Joel rubbed a soothing hand down your spine.

“They forced themselves on us and left us both beaten and bloody. After that, my sister was in a bad way Joel. She uh, she was reckless and careless, and she got herself killed. And well, I ended up pregnant. I found my way to this small group of people that were headed here to Jackson. I guess they had heard it was a community and it was safe. We lost people along the way and sometimes we’d stop and stay somewhere for a month or so if we found it suitable. Anyway, by this time there’s only four of us left and I had my baby…” Tears started freely flowing down your face and Joel gently wiped them away.

“Sweetheart you really don’t have to…” Joel could tell where this was going.

“I need to say it. I’ve never said this out loud and I need to. My son was born, and he was beautiful. But he had colic and so he cried all the time. I did everything I could to keep him quiet as we went but it was putting us in danger, and I knew it. I offered to let them go on without me, I told them that he and I would come when he’d grown out of it. But a little while later I’d woken up to find him dead.” You sobbed. “They had suffocated him, claiming that we’d never get anywhere with him crying all the time and that they didn’t want to leave me behind. I killed them all Joel. I didn’t even hesitate. I pulled my gun out and I shot all three of them and then I left and never turned back.”

Everything came together, it had all started to make perfect sense. You’d held onto this guilt for the last four to five years. Survivors guilt over the loss of your sister, guilt of not being there for your child – something Joel knew all too well, and the guilt of killing people that you once cared about. He completely understood, he too would’ve stayed silent had he been through all that you had. What is there to say when you’ve lost everyone.

Joel held you tighter, allowing you to cry softly into his chest. He wanted to give you a few moments to calm yourself down before he said anything to you. He knew how delicate this situation was, and he needed to do things right.

“Sweetheart, I want to start by saying how sorry I am. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I also want you to know that you can’t feel guilty, and I know that it’s easier said than done but darlin’ you did everything you needed to in order to survive. You wouldn’t be here any other way baby girl.” Joel pressed his lips to your forehead.

“Thank you Joel. For being here and for – for listening to me. I can’t quite explain it, but I trust you and so, I don’t know, I just wanted to tell you. Having you around has made me feel better honestly and it’s sort of the only way I can sleep anymore.” You explained.

“I trust you too baby, and you’re not the only one. I sleep better with you here too, having you in my arms these last few months, it’s been amazing. Besides Tommy and Ellie, I think you’re about the only person I trust.” Joel smiled down at you.

From then on, things had changed between Joel and you. He was the only person you talked to, you shared everything with him. Joel and you spent every night together some nights at your place and more recently, some nights at his. Initially, you’d expressed your worries in doing so, you told him you didn’t want the entire town to know, and you were worried about running into Ellie in the hallway.

Joel had told you that there was no need for some public spectacle and that there was no need for worries that it would get out amongst the townies. He also reassured you that Ellie was a good kid, and she could keep a secret.

So, little by little you opened up to Joel, Ellie, and soon enough Maria and Tommy too. The five of you had become a family, you’d found that you fit into it almost too well, so much so that it was beginning to scare you.

Despite your fears, you allowed yourself to fall. Joel had proven to you time and time again that he was there for you and that he wasn’t going anywhere. He’d also gotten you living by the philosophy that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and you needed to take this life while you had it.

So, you did.

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 Part 4

Jungkook wants to create a home for you- not knowing that that's already what he is to you.

Tags/Warnings: Non-Idol Jungkook, Dog Hybrid!Reader, former criminal!Jungkook, mentions of past neglect/abuse, reader has some pretty bad psychological problems (OCD, Anxiety, Selective mutism, hints at an eating disorder), hypersomnia, road to recovery, hurt and lots of comfort, angst, Jungkook has some problems with aggression and swears a lot, more TBA in future chapters

Length: 1.2k Words

There is no taglist for this fic.

-> Masterlist

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Jungkook is wary as he walks into the rather.. unique building, old school reformed into what looks like a daycare for hybrids of different ages it appears like.

Some rooms are furnished, others are clearly meant for younger hybrids, and he even walks past a room that’s only filled with pillows and blankets and stuffed animals of all sizes, flooring entirely made up of mattresses. Overall, this is not what he thought the correctional facility would look like- as the man with the cat eyes approaches him, soft smile on his otherwise rather stoic face. “I’m happy you decided to come by so soon.” He tells him, black cat ears moving a little between his equally dark long hair. “Min Yoongi. I assume this bag is for her?” He asks, and Jungkook nods, still not quite understanding.

This man is a hybrid himself. And yet he’s clearly wearing a staff-badge on his casual clothing.

“I’ll explain some of the structure to you while I’ll let staff look through the things- just for protocol.” He tells him, giving the bag to an elderly woman who takes it, after Yoongi writes your tag number on a plastic card and attaches it to the black sportsbag Jungkook brought with him.

“They’re currently having lunch together.” Yoongi says, as he walks down a hall with Jungkook right behind him. “But she’s not very social- and she seems to be wary of most foods, so she eats by herself with the help of staff.” The cat hybrid hums. “We don’t know much about her, only have her paperwork- but we usually like to paint the picture ourselves.”

“Did she... eat well here?” Jungkook asks, hands in his pockets.

“So-so.” Yoongi admits. “The seperation from you clearly made her shrink back into her shell quite a bit. She refused to come out of a corner in her room for hours after she arrived.” He explains, and Jungkook frowns.

“She likes.. Mild cheeses. Like, the animal shaped kind you can get at the supermarket.” Jungkook mumbles. “And simple stuff. Like chicken soup. Or you know.. Anything I eat, really.”

Yoongi chuckles. “You eat animal shaped cheese?”

“Shut up.” Jungkook snaps a little bashfully, when Yoongi opens a door.

“This is her room. Temporary, of course.” Yoongi explains as they both walk in. “See, here’s how it’s going to go down.” Yoongi offers, sitting down on a chair in one corner of the tiny room, while Jungkook awkwardly stands in front of your bed. “I know who you are, and what you’ve done. Your situation isn’t ideal to say the least.” The worker tells him. “But- I filed in for mutual rehabilitation. And the court agreed.”

“Mutual.. Rehabilitation?” Jungkook repeats, unsure. “What does that mean?”

“Exactly what you think it does.” Yoongi shrugs. “You told the janitor back at the carecenter that you’d take on a job if she was to live with you?”

Jungkook fidgets a little, shrugs, as he looks down at his shoes. “Yeah. Maybe at a grocery store. Night shift, or something. So she’s asleep when I’m gone, and.. Won't miss me or something.” He explains.

“Do you have room for her at your apartment?” Yoongi continues to question.

“She could have my bedroom.” He shrugs again. "I could just sleep on the pull out couch in the living room, no big deal-” He tells the hybrid, who chuckles.

“What about food? Do you know what a hybrid needs?” He wonders, leaning back a little with crossed arms.

“I know that she needs supplements? Like, I looked up some, and there’s like.. Little packets? That you can mix with water and it apparently tastes like fruit or something.” Jungkook explains. “and there’s other stuff you can use in meals that don’t taste like anything.”

“You've done research?” Yoongi smiles. “Even though you were so sure you’d never get to adopt her?”

“I.. Was thinking that maybe a friend of mine could. Instead of me.” He explains, carefully sitting on the very edge of the bed. “And he’s never owned a hybrid before so I wanted to make sure I.. could like, give him advice if needed.”

“Well, it might not be so impossible for you to take her in after all.” The cat hybrid jokes. “I’d say, after you go home today, clean up back there. Get stuff ready. They’ll send someone to check your home in a week or so, just to make sure. It’ll be random. Just so you can’t prepare.” He informs Jungkook, who nods, suddenly determined.

If there’s a chance at getting both his freedom, and you at the same time- then he’ll take it.

“Then, you’ll get three weeks trial.” He explains further. “If there’s no hiccups during that time- meaning she runs off, gets hurt due to negligence, or otherwise has complaints- you'll sign a permanent housing contract.” Yoongi tells him.

“Housing?” He asks, confused.

“We.. Don't like to call it ‘ownership’. A little outdated, don’t you think? She’s not a pet after all. Neither am I.” He jokes, grinning a little.

“...true.” Jungkook mumbles, when a woman is heard laughing.

“Hey, careful, you’re gonna trip sweetheart!” She calls out with a clear smile in her tone, when the door suddenly swings open, revealing you- wide eyed, tail wagging fast, instantly tearing up as you spot Jungkook on the bed.

You can’t help it.

You basically tackle the young man, making everyone laugh at how he desperately attempts to not have you fall off the corner of the bed with him together, though you miserably fail at that, ending up on the floor where you squeeze yourself as closely to him as you can, now on his lap.

“I hope they set out an extra plate?” Yoongi asks the elderly woman who laughs.

“Oh, they did!” She laughs.

And indeed, they did.

Though, technically, they did not need an extra chair, as you’re still sitting on his lap at the lunch table, most hybrids already finished and washing their dishes- some with help, others by themselves. You’re happily eating your soup now that you’ve seen Jungkook eat it too- seemingly taking his actions as a sign that whatever you’re eating right now is safe.

“Are they being nice to you?” Jungkook asks you as you finish your bowl of soup, making you nod, before you press yourself back into him. “Yoongi said I can visit you every day if you want.” He offers, and at that, he can feel your tail wag against his thigh. “Though I gotta get your room ready back at my place.”

You look over your shoulder at him in surprise, and he can’t help but laugh.

“What, did you think you’re gonna stay here?” He asks, and you just shrug. “Nah.” He shakes his head, before he smiles.

“You got somewhere to call ‘home’ soon.”

[littlemissagere]

Hazbin Hotel AgeRe headcanons!

Ft; Lucifer, Angel Dust & Alastor !

]—————‘ ,—————[

‘ 📻 , Alastor ! ‘ 🦌 ,

🪶 ) Alastor is a caregiver!

🦌 ) Alastor is very good with Littles who have/are NV/Selective mutism/Verbal paralysis.

🪶 ) has a list of what his little(s) like, want, and need

🦌 ) Holds his kiddo's hand or holds them

🪶 ) Will read his little a bed time story

🦌 ) Good at soothing his kiddos

🪶 ) “My little demon” / “my little Angel”

🦌 ) Very understanding, more of a listener

🪶 ) If a kiddo is babbling, he responds like “oh wow?” “Oh my.” “Oh that’s very interesting, my dear.” “Haha, please, share more.” Etc

🦌 ) Has naptimes and bedtimes for his kiddos

🪶 ) Very calm

🦌 ) Let’s you touch his ears, doesn’t mind since it’s his kiddo

🪶 ) If a baby is giggly, sometimes he just can’t help but giggle a little himself.

🦌 ) Extremely gentle

🪶 ) Fussy/Sad kiddos are safe with him, he always tries his best to calm them

‘ 🍷 , Lucifer ! ‘ 🐣 ,

🐣 ) Lucifer is VERY much a caregiver !!

❗️ ) Is protective of his kiddo(s)

🐣 ) Shows off his little one ALLLLL the time

❗️ ) Sings/hums his kiddos to sleep

🐣 ) LOVES a cuddle bug kiddos

❗️ ) Tries his best to understand the babbles

🐣 ) Has beefed with Alastor over who’s a better “Dada”

❗️ ) “My little chick” “Sweetpea” “Sweetie” “Little Baby” etc, is what he calls his kiddos

🐣 ) Will let his kiddo play / touch his wings if they’re curious

❗️ ) Puts his hat on your head and melts when he sees it’s big on you

🐣 ) If you’re taller than him / mention he’s short, he will say things like “Oh but you’re just a little baby! Come on let’s . . .” And will find a small activity to do

❗️ ) Kisses on the head and nose, always !!

🐣 ) Touchy, always making sure you’re by his side and safe

‘ 🕷️ , Angel Dust ! ‘ 🤍 ,

🤍 ) Angel is a flip, no lean!

🎀 ) Will cuddle you with all of his arms !

🤍 ) Tea parties !!

🎀 ) Will not let people make inappropriate jokes around you when you’re small.. even himself! Sometimes he won’t even swear. . .

🤍 ) Husker is also inevitably also your cg, him and Angel care for you a lot

🎀 ) head pats, and hugs are his specialty

🤍 ) Will let you vent / cry on/to him for as long as you need

🎀 ) will call you; “sugar” , “hun/hon” , “Sweetheart” , “Little thing” , “Doll” , “Sugar plum” etc . .

🤍 ) Onesies, stuffies, blankies, anything you need is yours!

🎀 ) Will tell you he loves you soooo much, and you’re such a good kiddo

🤍 ) Will call anyone out if they’re rude to you AT ALL

Thanks for reading ! <3

Check out the banners please ,,

[c0stiffen]

HELLO!!! Hi, I'm c0stiffen. I didn't expect the attention from my last post about my AU (📱🦯) I have more information about them on my Instagram, but I don't mind answering any doubts or questions here! feel free to ask!!

There is a lot I want to comment on. Someone mentioned if they could make a fanfic, OF COURSE!!! Be free, I would love to read that!

Initially I only made this AU as a comfort as someone who is going to lose vision and suffered from selective mutism, so I reflected them in Arven and Giacomo. Drawing them together makes me very happy!

Feel free to ask questions, ask about other characters, suggest situations... for now I have only drawn 4 characters but I have many more in mind!!!

Bonus, their alternative palettes. I love alternative palettes!

Fanarts, ideas, suggestions, doubts. Everything is valid! ❤️ Thanks for the support!!!

[lenelee]

Dad Kakashi x daughter trope (

Kakashi x oc (not romantic)

Trope: found family

Word count: 1.5k

Warning: Oc character, Tragic backstory, mention of characters deaths, selective mutism disorder, Angst (if you squint?), hurt/comfort?, trauma, previous relationship, childhood love.

Kakashi ex girlfriend and comrade was someone he never could keep his mind off. Once he started to feel normal a little girl with white hair shows up, being called the daughter of his ex girlfriend. He was left with a note to raise her.

Kakashi didn’t know what to expect when he was called to the Hokage office. He assumed it was just another mission, so he put his uniform on, concealing his face underneath his mask, and made his way undetected.

He hadnt expected to be greeted by the Hokage alongside one of the legendary Sannin. The other white-haired man had been out of the village for a while, claiming to have research to do. Kakashi was a bit surprised to see him there.

He was even more surprised when they settled down and Jiraiya brought out a small blue-haired girl. She looked around seven… almost the same number of year Jiraiya had been gone for. Kakashi assumed it was the older man’s daughter and he would be assigned to guard her.

But what he was told was much worse.

Kakashi had never sought out love. He had actively avoided it, his childhood traumas leaving him to scarred to get close to anyone. He had seen others find love during times of war only to be left with hurt and alone. Kakashi tried to stay away from it as long as possible.

Yet he couldn’t help it when a beautiful girl with the kindest soul make her way into his heart, making him year for something he have vowed to never have, never want. Every time she stepped into the room, he couldn’t help but let his mind wonder to the terrifying place of his imagination, the future. Imagining their future together.

Kiyomi Tatsuyama. That was her name. The girl with all the time in the word, who used it all to pester him. She would always bother him during his morning walks, beg to spar with him only to go home with bruises, make him lunches when she assumed he was to busy to make his own, and bring him extra scarves during winter.

It annoyed him. She always asked what he was doing, the thing he liked, his favorite foods, his hobbies, and what kind of Shinobi he was.

He tried hard to put a distance between them, but mo matter what he did, she found a way to get to him. He hate it.

He hated how he would walk by her house slower when he noticed her rushing to do her hair before joining him. He hated how he would fall into an easy cycle of teasing and playful banter during their spars.

He hated how he would purposely complain to his comrades about how hungry he was when she was around so he could try the new food she made, despite it being overcooked. He hated how he’d leave his coat and scarf at home so she would nag and feel bad for him.

He hated the way her finger tips left a warm trail against his neck when she wrapped her scarf around him, the small scowl on her when she scolded him, the small dimple that appeared when she caught him staring blissfully, asking if he was listening, and how she would blush when she tried to scold him.

He hated the fact that he fell in love with her. And he hated it when she left. Leaving him behind with just a bite, telling him he would be in her heart forever before disappearing from his life forever.

His comrades would ask about her once they noticed the “fly” was no longer hanging around him, wondering if she had finally gotten the clue and stopped bothering him. He hated how heart broke he felt.

He hated how he could still hear the small cracks in his heart grow even after all these years as he read a note she had left him again. Hearing her soft voice saying he words he read:

“I always liked the cold. I liked the cute outfits I got to wear. The excuses it gave me to get close to you. I liked how warm I felt without feeling sweaty. I always felt that way around you. I felt nice and warm. Sorry if I bothered you, Kakashi. I couldn’t help who I fell in love with and how I handled it. I’m also sorry for what I’m about to do you. I don’t trust anyone the way I trust you. I know you’ll take care of her. People aren’t so kind to those who are different, of the unknown. She’s a good kid. She won’t bother you much. She likes to speak a lot but if you ask her to be quiet she won’t talk. She loves winters as much as I do and she likes to watch the stars shine. She doesn’t know how to make friends and she likes to eat a bunch of Dorayaki. Please take care of Kasumi for me…

I want you to know….I do remember that night.. Thank you.”

Kakashi couldn’t help the ache in his chest when he finished reading the letter. The way he crumpled the paper. The way he stared at the girl who stood behind Jiraiya, looking around curiously. The way the older men looked at him with hidden pitty behind their eyes.

He felt another stab at the heart.

“Kakashi, you understand you must take care of this girl? This child has been entrusted to your care. If you refuse her, she will be handed off to her grandfather. Although the isn’t reckless, he is in no condition to take care of a child. He can barely walk himself.” Hiruzen explained, his voice steady but his eyes filled with unspoken concern. Kakashi could feel the weight of his options being laid in front of him.

Jiraiya glance at him. His usual carefree deamnored replaced with a rare seriousness.

“She posses a Sharigan. It was placed in her. She can’t control it, and the longer it remains unstable, the more dangerous it becomes: not only that but…” Jiraiya paused, his face softening as he looked at the small girl who clung to his sleeve, her eyes landing on his, her big innocent eyes looking at him.

“Kasumi is daughter or Kenshiro Kaguyuki. Which means her anatomy is different than ours. Where we are warm blooded, Kasumi is not. She was born in the cold…. Kasumi is also mute.” Jiraya continued, his voice betraying a hint of sorrow. Kakashi’s eyes widened as he looked at the girl who tilted her head at him before hiding her small body behind the larger man.

“She wasn’t born with it. She developed it after going through a traumatic experience. It’s called Selective Mutism. Since she was three, she hasn’t spoke to anyone aside from her mother siblings,” Jiraya explained, his tone somber.

Kakashi felt his blood run cold. Hearing Kiyomi had moved on after all those years while he was stuck yearning for her, made him feel glad she found someone else but he couldn’t help the jealously that ran through his veins. Hearing she had children with another man made him feel sick.

“How many?” Kakashi asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Hiruzen stared at him, wondering if that had mattered in this moment.

“Three. This is her only daughter. The man she was married to had threatened to hurt her father if she didn’t come with him. He had four wives with the purpose of breeding strong children from different clans,” Jiraya explained, glancing down at the small girl who plugged her ears to not hear.

“… He committed suicide taking his three other kids with him… we’re still looking for his wives.”

Kakashi felt his jaw clench at the thought. His Kiyomi had spent years with a man who used her for her clan jutsu’s. She had left, and he hadn’t even thought about trying to find her. He had left her to be use by an evil man. Who knows what kind of horrors she and her daughter had to endure.

Kakashi zoned out for the rest of the conversation, hearing Jiraiya talk but unable to make out the words. He couldn’t help but feel like he had failed again, like it was his fault. He should’ve fought for her, he should have chased her. He should have asked her father. He should’ve went after her. Regret filled his body.

He finally tuned back in when he saw Jiraya turn to look down at Kasumi. His brows furrowed as he saw the Sannin make a series of hand signals.

It a took a moment for Kakashi to recognize it. It wasn’t a jutsu he had seen or copied. It was sign language. The girl— Kasumi— was muted she wouldn’t speak to anyone, which meant Jiraiya must’ve learned the easiest way to communicate with her.

Kakashi watched his eye locked with Kasumi. He assumed he was the topic of their conversation. He tried to give her a warm smile, but ended up looking awkward and forced under his mask.

She removed her fingers from her ears, frowning as she looked back up at Jiraiya and signed, ‘Why can’t you take care of me? I don’t want to stay here.’

Jiraiya smiled at the girl, reaching down to pat her head. She blinked at every sudden movement, her eyes wide and wary.

“Donr worry! You’ll be in good hands! Besides, Susu, I was meant to deliver you to who your mother asked. We just got side tracked by— my research,” he said, not signing this time, glancing over at Kakashi. Kasumi nodded sadly.

Kakshi watched as Hiruzen and Jiraiya spoke in a hushed tones, the two of them exchanging glances filled with concern. Meanwhile, Kasumi tugged on Jiraiya’s seeking his attention. Kakashi’s eyes were drawn to her.

Her hair was short, barely longer than her jaw, with uneven lengths and layered pieces sticking out, even her bangs where cut oddly, with chuckle pieces in between her brows, showing off her deep blue eyes. The same blue eyes he once knew, once woke up to, the some ones he had complimented, the ones he saw filled with love. Her hair seemed poorly dyed, large chunks of the bald showing white patches, and strands underneath the blue revealing a mixture of white and blue.

Kakashi watched as Kasumi reached up, offering Jiraiya a coin. The man grinned, giving her a small frog toy before making his leave.

Hiruzen looked at the girl, his eyes softening as she reminded him of the young girl. “This is Kakashi Hatake. You’ll be staying with him from now on,” he told her gently.

Kasumi stared at Kakashi with a blank expression.

Idk if I should make part two… please help me before I end up deleting this 😭😭