#mentally preparing myself for episode 11

[herbarimoon]

Sparks

[guzhufuren]

on this night just 4 weeks ago i was so high on the episode 11 and mentally preparing myself for episode 12......

[quodekash]

good morning, friends! im exhausted and only got like four hours of sleep, but at least im (kind of) mentally prepared to revisit the episode, so (you probably know the drill by now), here’s all my commentary and thoughts and stuff from the episode! 

i feel like its important for everyone to know that i made myself an ice tea at 11:30pm because i knew i wouldnt be able to survive the episode alone 

(and dont suggest that the ice tea is the cause of the lack of sleep, if anything it’s the only reason i got to sleep) 

i was very nervous in the beginning cos i was pretty sure photjanee wouldnt be homophobic but also what if she is 

props to her for not asking tinn cos he was visibly nervous/afraid 

and gun told gim and she didnt even say anything at first. she just looked so freaking proud, then hugged him and said “whoever you love, i love” and i love her so much she’s a freaking perfect mother 

PHOTJANEE’S NEURODIVERGENT AND AWESOME HUSBAND who is still nameless IS SITTING NEXT TO HER SO HE’S GONNA SAY SOME HELPFUL AND SUPPORTIVE WORDS 

“were you afraid to hear the answer” im sensing a recurring themeeee (if youve forgotten and somehow havent rewatched the show over and over again, in episode 6 gun kept saying he was afraid to hear the answer of who tinn liked) 

“i think if he’s ready, he’ll tell you himself. give it time. time for tinn and yourself.” I LOVE THIS MAN 

also side note: she’s really pretty 

i smell a sponsorship 

a canon printer sponsorship 

theyre so subtle with their sponsorships 

“by the way, this printer is so convenient, it can be used with any operating system, right?” NICE ONE GEM, REAL SUBTLE, NO ONE WILL KNOW 

TIWPOR TINNGUN DOUBLE DATE STUDY DATE ONCE AGAIN 

AND SOUNDWIN BEHIND THEM (and also yo and pat i guess) 

tinngun are always reminiscent of patpran, but so much throughout this episode it literally felt like i was watching bad buddy 

GUN FINALLY KNOWS THAT TIW KNOWS AND GUN IS LIKE ‘wait did you tell him’ AND TIW JUST GOES 

“do you think this nerd would succeed in getting your love without my help”

AND HE’S SO ICONIC AND HE’S SO RIGHT AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH OH MY GOSH 

also rip four and tinn’s homosecuality, they have to pretend to date for this music video 

also also WE GET TO SEE FOUR AND HER GIRLFRIEND AGAIN OMG I LOVE THEM 

THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY 

LOOK AT THEM AND THEIR IN-LOVE-NESS 

cant wait for the homophobia this episode /sarc

“we just have to wait until the dinosaurs are extinct and humans rule the world” TIW LITERALLY JUST SAID WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR ALL THE BOOMERS TO DIE OUT AND THEN GAYS CAN RULE THE WORLD THIS IS FREAKING HILARIOUS 

I CANT EXPLAIN IT, THEIR FACES ARE SO REMINISCENT OF PATPRAN AND MORE SO THAN USUAL 

does- does this count as a first kiss 

that was so sudden 

um

help??? 

theyre so cute tho i love them 

PROM DAY (looking back, how does so much happen in this one day) 

✨gotta love being outed✨

GUN JUST TOLD THE BROSKIS 

and por is, naturally, very excited 

but also somehow very oblivious 

i had a feeling yo knew already 

apparently sound told win ages ago (when? idk man) 

pat having a suspicion about it is actually very surprising 

“you and you, what’s going on? you’ve been weird” 

FINALLY THE SCENE OF THEM HOLDING HANDS AND SHOWING THE GUYS IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR WAY TOO FREAKING LONG 

AND THEY BOTH LOOK SO FREAKING HAPPY 

IM DYING 

i need to ingrain every soundwin scene from this episode into my brain cos there’s so much of it and i want to see it all forever please 

tis raining and theyre under an umbrella and soundwin did it first 

okay so. it sucks that they were outed. and people shouldnt take photos of other people and then post it on social media because they can, cos thats an invasion of privacy and is not cool. 

on the other hand, everyone seems thrilled by it and tinngun aren’t hurt by it happening so i guess its okay 

in general tho people should not do this cos it could go very badly 

but this is a bl drama not real life so its fine 

I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE A NEUROSPICY GUY 

they did the happy arms 

and theyre sitting cross-legged on top of a table 

i love you random side character 

PAT AND POR BEING ALL HAPPY AND EXCITED IS HILARIOUS I LOVE THEM 

“no one cares about people’s sexual orientation these days. its a new world. right, pumpkin??” GUI4HERIH4IIGU (note to past me: it gets worse. you’re gonna progressively die even more) 

EW PEOPLE ARE MESSAGING PHOTJANEE SAYING TINN’S GONNA RUIN THE SCHOOL’S REPUTATION AND STUFF 

...what series was it 

did- did you watch bad buddy, photjanee 

did tinn’s parents watch bad buddy 

ive decided they watched bad buddy until proven otherwise 

‘its down to us whether we’re as kind to our son as those in the series’ THIS MAN HAS THE WISEST KINDEST WORDS AND I WANT TO GIVE HIM A BIG HUG 

tiw and tinn are actually really sad about kajorn leaving the student council which is slightly confusing (not cos i hate him, im finding it increasingly difficult to hate him, i just didn’t think tiw and tinn actually liked kajorn) 

‘people are arguing whether it’s guntinn or tinngun’ 

... 

im gonna say it 

i have to say it 

you cant stop me from saying it 

soundwin did it first 

(technically it was satangwinny vs winnysatang but thats not the point) 

there i said it 

hah 

babes she’s known for months 

(but yes absolutely if you’re comfortable telling her and you think you should, go right ahead :] )

i hate this teacher 

i would like to punch him please 

luckily i know, thanks to the preview last episode, that he does, in fact, get punched, so it’s all good 

KAJORN IS IN THE ROOM WHILE GUN IS DISTRESSED 

I REPEAT, JORN IS THERE 

yay tinn is there with gun while he cries 

thank you tinn for existing 

NO 

GO AWAY TEACHER 

DON’T ENTER THE ROOM 

"im sorry, i was just joking around with my friend, i didnt mean to insult you" yeah, okay, well thats only part of the problem. other problems are: a. the fact that you had to say such a horrible thing in order to joke around with your friend. if that's the kind of humour your friend has, that person should not be your friend, unless it's also your humour, in whcih case, that isnt a sincere apology. b. it's not just that you insulted gun. you also insulted an entire community of people, of students, of human beings, who just want to exist and live as people doing what they want to do. you cant say something homophobic and then only apologise because it hurt one person close to you. you say something homophobic, and then you apologise - in a way that you GENUINELY MEAN - and say you had no intention of hurting so many people, including gun. or, alternatively, dont say the homophobic thing in the first place. c) you’re a freaking TEACHER. a TEACHER is there to SUPPORT and CARE for ALL of their students. a TEACHER should not be saying terrible things where ANYONE could overhear. if a TEACHER cannot be supportive for ALL STUDENTS, then they should not be a teacher. (im a huge defender of teachers cos theyre human beings with lives and families and hobbies and theyre more than just the adult human that tells you 2 plus 2 is 4. but i am also a huge defender of students cos theyre human beings and also children and theyre still developing. and i am especially a defender of students and an offender of teachers when the teacher clearly hates children or isnt a good teacher or should not at all be a teacher. so this isnt me hating all teachers, i love teachers, i could talk about how unappreciated they are for hours. but i cannot stand it when a teacher behaves the way this teacher did. i hate it so freaking much.) 

THE TEACHER WAS “SHOCKED” COS GUN IS A “ROCKSTAR” SO THE TEACHER “THOUGHT YOU WERE MANLY” 

THATS NOT AN EXPLANATION NOR IS THAT AN APOLOGY 

GENDER AND SEXUAL IDENTITY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FREAKING THINGS 

AND EVEN THEN, GENDER AND GENDER EXPRESSION ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FREAKING THINGS 

LIKING MEN DOESNT MAKE SOMEONE ANY LESS ‘MANLY’ SO STFU AND GET FIRED ALREADY 

FREAKING YES 

GOOD

HELL YES 

KAJORN PUNCHED THE TEACHER BEFORE TINN COULD 

THIS IS EVERYTHING I COULDVE ASKED FOR OR NEEDED 

I LOVE IT SO MUCH 

I LOVE KAJORN SO MUCH 

IM FINALLY ALLOWED TO NOT HATE HIM AND IM VERY GLAD ABOUT IT 

DAMN SOUND 

I MEAN I AGREE BUT WOW I WASNT EXPECTING THAT 

‘i HoPe YoU giVe A fAiR jUdGeMeNt oN tHiS cAsE��� bro its not court 

and absolutely she’ll give fair judgement 

shes freaking awesome and i love her 

also what does probation mean 

“don’t use violence to solve problems. do you understand?” okay, yes, im 100% on board with you, i completely agree, but, hear me out here: homophobia. 

I LOVE PHOTJANEE SO MUCH 

COLD AS ICE SHE GOES “if you’re not satisfied with my judgement, write a complaint. but dont forget to add every detail truthfully” 

SHE’S SO ICONIC 

TRULY A SLAY 

“LET GO OF MY SON. as principal, all i can do is submit a report regarding your behavior to those in authority. but as a mom, MY SON CAN LIKE WHOEVER HE LIKES. STAY OUT OF IT. if i hear anything filthy from you again, your penalty will go far beyond this” I FELT HER ANGER 

I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY SOUL 

SHES FREAKING AWESOME 

and kajorn looks so happy and content 

i love him 

PROM TIME AND THE STIMS ARE STIMMING REAL HARD RN 

WHY AM I CRYING WHILE LISTENING TO YOU’VE GOT MA BACK? THIS ISN’T A SAD SONG 

C O M E   C L O S E R 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH POR 

OOOOO NEW SONG 

SOUNDWIN CHEEK KISS 

IM LITERALLY CRYING THEYRE SO CUTE 

(note to past me: it’s gonna get worse) 

aww gun’s in the audience singing directly to tinn this is so cute 

GRBRHKBGRIUBJROBUR

I WOULDVE BEEN CONTENT WITH JUST SOUND KISSING WIN BUT IM NOT COMPLAINING 

I AM THE OPPOSITE OF COMPLAINING 

GIREBVIRUB

TINN AND GUN ARE GOING ON THE STAGE TOGETHER HAND IN HAND 

HOW IS THIS SO FREAKING PERFECT 

AND SOUND’S GOT A GUITAR SOLO COS HE’S AWESOME LIKE THAT 

HAPPINESS 

BIG HAPPIES 

MUCH OF THE VERY HAPPINESS 

their hugs always look so comfy 

someone in the audience asked if theyre real and gun said nothing but hashtag #MySchoolPresident and it’s still so funny to me 

its like theyre telling us the watchers 

like USE TEH HASHTAG, PLEASE 

and we’re like WEVE ALREADY BEEN DOING THAT, CALM DOWN 

ew old teachers 

shut up with your judgy faces 

no one cares 

YAY FOR YOUNG PROGRESSIVE TEACHERS WHO DONT CARE WHAT THE BOOMERS THINK 

cos, as tiw said, the boomers will die out soon and then gays can rule the world 

can the episode just end here 

i dont want to go through the emotional turmoil of whats coming 

cos i know its coming 

there’s gonna be a graduation scene 

and im very scared 

my mentally ill butt can never be okay for graduation scenes 

and yet my mentally ill butt keeps consuming media set in the senior year of high school 

DAMN THIS ENDING IS GONNA BE LONG 

31:48 MINUTES 

STRAP IN YOUR SEATBELTS COS WE’RE GONNA BE IN FOR ONE EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER 

NO 

WAIT NO LET THERE BE MORE 

JUST ONE MORE 

OR TWO 

OR AN ENDLESS AMOUNT 

DON’T LET IT BE OVER 

PLEASE 

“its the last day of our high school lives.” ACK SHOOT FREAK FRENCH GUSTAV AND SHOELACES AND TURTLES AND FREAKING SHOOT NOODLES WHAT THE FLIP 

AH SHOOT I FORGOT ABOUT KAJORN BEING A YEAR YOUNGER THAN THEM 

HE HAS TO CARRY ON THEIR LEGACY WITHOUT THEM 

HES FREAKING ALONE 

IDEK IF HE HAS ANY FRIENDS 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ooo we’re gonna get another pool scene soon 

NO STOP IT WITH THE SIGNED SHIRTS I CANT TAKE IT 

‘no one ever asks if i can sign their shirts :[’ ‘sign my shirt’ 

‘ILL WRITE DOWN WHAT I FEEL THAT IM TOO AFRAID TO SAY’ I FREAKING LOVE THEM 

WAIT 

SHOOT

I KNOW I ASKED FOR IT BUT I DIDNT EXPECT THEM TO ACTUALLY DO IT 

IM IN SHOCK 

LITERALLY CRYING 

WHAT THE FLIP 

HOLY FREAK 

NO WAY 

THIS IS THE END 

THAT’S IT

IM DEAD

GONE

DECEASED

THEY FREAKING KISSED 

RIGHT THEN AND THERE 

PROPERLY KISSING 

BEFORE TINNGUN 

WHAT 

IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING 

OW I PINCHED MYSELF 

I LITERALLY CANT BELIEVE IT 

“i wont let you kiss first you barstool” HOW ARE THEY SO- GJRBGIKRB

BUT ONCE ISNT ENOUGH 

OH NO, THEY HAVE TO KISS AGAIN 

JUST TO MAKE SURE IM DEAD 

THEY ALREADY STABBED ME A COUPLE TIMES 

THEN THEY KISSED AND THEY SLICED ME IN HALF WITH A REALLY COOL SWORD 

AND NOW THEYRE SLICING MY HEAD OFF JUST TO MAKE SURE IM DEAD 

‘STOP TRYING TO LOOK HANDSOME IDIOT BECAUSE ITS MAKING MY HEART SO WEAK’ I CANT WITH THESE TWO 

I LITERALLY CANT EVEN PROCESS THAT THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED 

SURELY IM DREAMING RIGHT NOW

THERES NO WAY THEY ACTUALLY FREAKING KISSED 

AND TIWPOR RIGHT AFTER??? IT’S TOO MUCH POWER 

AWWWWWW NOOK AND YOOOO

BUT POOR PAT IS COMPLETELY LONELY 

PLS LET PAT NOT BE LONELY FOREVER 

THEY BETTER GIVE PAT SOME HAPPINESS 

NO?? THEYRE JUST GONNA CHANGE THE SCENE LIKE THAT??? OKAY THEN???????? 

no but why wasnt tiwporpat an option 

they couldve gone down the polyamory route 

as much as i love poking fun at pat being lonely, i want him to be happy, and tiwporpat makes sense 

(i must also say that patjorn also makes sense and i wouldnt have been mad if they went down the tiwporpat route or the patjorn route. theyre both amazing. but no, they went with pat is lonely forever and its really freaking sad. thanks guys.) 

OH TINNGUN POOL SCENE 

POOL SCENE NUMBER... IDEK AT THIS POINT 

they should kiss btw 

GUN WROTE #MYSCHOOLPRESIDENT ON TINN’S SHIRT AND TINN WROTE ‘APPROVED BY THE SCHOOL PRESIDENT’ ON GUN’S SHIRT AND ITS SO FREAKING PERFECT 

IT COMES FULL CIRCLE SO BEAUTIFULLY 

THEY LITERALLY COULDNT HAVE WRITTEN ANYTHING GREATER 

I FREAKING LOVE THIS SHOW 

tinngun still have not kissed 

NO PLS I CANT TAKE IT WITH THE HEARTFELT SPEECHES 

HOW DO YOU CRY SILENTLY 

NO THEYRE PLAYING ONE LAST SONG TOGETHER 

STUFF YOU 

I LITERALLY DONT KNOW IF IVE EVER CRIED HARDER THAN I DID WHILE WATCHING THAT FREAKING FINAL SONG 

tinn’s father is so neurodivergent i love him 

OMG GUN IS ACTUALLY SITTING AT THEIR TABLE AND HAVING A MEAL WITH THEM 

IT’S NOT IMAGINARY GUN 

IT’S REAL GUN 

THIS IS CRAZY 

PFFFFFFT TINN’S DAD HELPED HIM WRITE THE SONG FOR GUN 

THAT’S FREAKING HILARIOUS 

OH MY GOSH THEYRE ABOUT TO KISS- 

darn you gun and your bloody hand in the way 

too many times 

this has happened far too many times 

just kiss 

please

YES 

GOOD 

EXCELLENT 

but also soundwin did it first 

ANYWAY THAT WAS PERFECT 

OH MY GOSH 

IM NOT OKAY 

(the funniest thing about me constantly saying ‘im dying’ or ‘im dead’ is that my fitbit hasnt been able to pick up on my heartrate for literally hours. like, since i started watching the episode. it just stopped working. and if your heart isnt beating, you’re quite literally dead.) 

final thoughts / main takeaways from that episode (and therefore the whole show) 

tinngun are very cute 

tinngun are patpran variants (we already knew this but still) 

tiwpor havent been dating the whole time but there was definite crushing for a very long time 

pat is sad and lonely and pls let there be tiwporpat or patjorn at some point in the future 

we need a sequel please and thank you 

soundwin are freaking perfect 

this show is perfection 

im mentally ill 

that teacher sucks 

tinn’s dad is neurodivergent and i love him 

photjanee is amazing and awesome and i love her 

gim is the greatest mother and i love her 

i love all of these characters way too much  and, last but not least, 

soundwin did it first. 

[igglemouse]

Episode 11 ~ My Immortal

Part of the reason for the date was just that. To let her experience being around humans and see how she reacted to having humans around and she passed, like she usually does I’m finding, with flying colors.

The other reason was to have her help me scout for my next potential bride. Remember, I do want three. Three loyal and lovely wives.

“Do you have a type?” She asked, “Other than you know, Jana and I and-”

“No, not really. I find that the appearance isn’t overly important. The mentality they have is what I mainly look for. I want to know that they will be loyal and that they will be prepared to take on a new life.”

“Can you tell that from just looking at someone?”

I begin to shake my head because of course I couldn’t. Yet, my mental abilities had grown to the point where I think I’ll be able to have an idea of who someone is by looking at them. Even as people walk past me I can peek into their thoughts and look into their minds. It’s never clear but there is more of a sense to it. I’ll have to explain later.

“And this third bride, I would be over her, right?”

“Of course, my Tabitha, of course you would be! I think she would serve a more simple service.”

“I think it’s a great idea!” She says which doesn’t surprise me at all. “I would at least not be last anymore,” she jokes but I know there is probably some truth to that. I tell myself then that there will never be more than three and the next one will be my last. “Hey, what about that girl?”

“Hmm?”

Index - Next

[afniel]

Hey! This happened to me as recently as last week because my goddamn pharmacist failed to notice that you can't take ciprofloxacin (common antibiotic) and tizanidine (common muscle relaxer) at the same time and honestly this post is what made it possible for me to recognize that yes, it certainly did seem like the hat man was suddenly sending me evil Discord messages directly to my brain while the room dissolved into triangles (I had it bad, okay), but also I'd just been very sick, I was still dehydrated, and it was entirely possible that I was having a bad reaction to medication, and that what I should do actually was reassure myself that this was all not really happening, drink a bunch of water, and to try to stay awake until the freakiness passed. (This last point was because falling asleep at all opened the goddamn floodgates to intense hypnopompic hallucinations, which I have occasionally even with no other influences. They were jacked up to 11 plus delusions of persecution, so staying awake until the medication fight in my bloodstream calmed down seemed like the best course of action.)

And it did pass. A few hours later, I was alright. Had it gotten any worse, I was ready to wake my partner up, even if I probably couldn't have made much sense at the time. They would at least have known something fucky was going on and could have gotten help for me if I still needed it.

But it really is that goddamn easy to suddenly start experiencing scary shit. There's another variant of this post that says something like, you are one major stressor, one bad night of sleep, and one poorly-timed but otherwise innocuous substance away from a psychotic episode, and they're not kidding. But! That doesn't mean you should live in fear of it happening, either. Educate yourself on warning signs, be aware of your mental and physical health, and talk about it with the people you live with. Being prepared is being safe.

99% of "mysterious disappearances" esp of people in their 20s who start acting weird for 48 hours and then vanish are not mysterious, thats just when a lot of reality-obliterating mental illness tends to kick in and it's pretty easy to get a short circuit in your brain that makes you go family guy death pose in joshua tree national park. it's not any less tragic, it's just a documented phenomenon and not particularly predictable. its a big reason the medical advice is for people with a family history of schizophrenia to completely avoid weed and psychedelics. "people just go crazy sometimes" is a principle of human health that used to be a lot more accepted prior to the american midcentury and to a certain extent thats a healthier way to conceptualize and prepare for the risk, as opposed to the modern assertion that anyone acting weird is dangerous and broken forever.

[iwantjobs]

11/17/2024: My new certified homeless life which I purposely chose for my own happiness even though God (the Sun for now or Jesus' father not Jesus per the Bible) gave me an little cute apartment with a tiny yard for so cheap $1,100 in the Silicon Valley in the area where I currently live. I got information on this cheap apartment by helping out the vietnamese elderly man who didn't seem to appreciate that I was going to give him $500 everything to reduce his rent to only $600 a month to live in this apartment and out of the car life even though he has retirement. Sheesh, at least a tiny thank would suffice. Anything, I am not going to be dumb and let homeless push me around. If he calls back and want the apartment , and if I become a millionaire with a lottery, I am going to punish his insincerity by reducing down to $250. I was even going to grand him a studio condo that he can own if I win my lottery, but I changed my mind to only grand him $250/month to help pay for his rent. That s good enough even housing authority accepts subsiding his rent. It's hard to get humans to say thank you nowadays, even homeless humans. All I expect is a thank you for my generous offer and I will reward humans with such happiness, but their egos won't allow them to say it even though they are getting cash for free for life. Oh well, now I understand the psychology of humans and I will guard my generosity to death. He didn't even utter a tiny soLuckily,I can parked in front of a garage with closed gate so it's not as dangerous as being homeless in the street. I nearly became a real homeless in the street tonight but I lower my ego protect my happiness. I will be homeless in the car for 5 days a week and 2 days inside. A new business deal I made as a volunteering caregiver with mental illness which can be hard to live with then I am angry. So conformy sleeping in a van this time comparing last time in a Nissan Leaf. It's exactly like camping, but I hate going to the bathroom at night. Trang at 51.16 years old. I think I can be cute now too to save my old wrinkles from getting too old. Since my life is very shady right now as a certified homeless living in a van, I am to pays making contacts with thr homeless right now since I have no money to offer them. I'll go rest my head and relax for a bit and focus on bitch slapping myself when I talk to train myself to be mute to protest. After all yapping and screaming when protest gets annoying and weak. Protest in silence is the greatest. I'll focus on my health by stretching my neck and head out of his pain to prepare for the return of the Palestinian lawsuit in June. I'll go back to my Palestian work to prevent too many Gazan children from dying with Israeli's decision to assist the last place they don't bombed out: Rafah where 300,000 children are living there. Because of the availability of this cheap and safe apartment of $1,100 that is still available and came out during my mental episode as a mental and because of my effort to help the homeless Vietnamese elderly man,, I am more certain that there is a God (Jesus' father not Jesus per the Bible). I am dying for a good paying job to buy me small and safe condo with affordable payments. Dying. What's the chances of the mayor of Saint Joseph or San Jose hiring me with $500,000 per month, a far signing bonus as down payment for a condo in the Vietnamese ghetto, pension, and insurance as a part-time job working at home? Easy if I can solve his homeless problem which can kick Newsom out and make him governor of CA and even the president of America. Anyone I train will become great and happy leader for I am really that kind of teacher as the female Buddha. Too bad no one has chosen me and even kicked me out. Oh well, not everyone wants to be great happy leaders. This mayor might not be very nice to my Vietnamese people, but he is a no to Israeli genocide for Saint Joseph or San Jose supported a ceasefire when sna Francisco didn't. For that I'll forgive him

[keefwho]

February 19 - 2024 Monday

11:17pm

6/10

This morning I didn't know what to clean so I just picked up around the house. Took a slightly early shower. I made soup and a grilled cheese for breakfast because my tummy was feeling disturbed by something, probably the ramen last night and poor hydration. Storm didn't show up for stream today, no one knew where he was. Someone new showed up that was interesting. I finished the Venus comic which puts me a couple days ahead and I started sketching some YCHs. After stream I did my workout, first time doing my change to 4 miles. It wasn't so bad but I was very tired afterwards. I made tuna spaghetti for lunch and laid back in my chair to watch Bluey. I couldn't do the request on time today because people weren't responding so I worked on a pic of my otter instead. I watched David play Helldivers. I had Therapy this evening where we talked about dissociation but I should have come more prepared on how to explain how it is I actually feel but I guess I need to do some more observing. I finished today's request after therapy and Daisy was free right after. We did a makeshift version of our puzzles since we apparently already did today's and watched a few Zelda episodes afterwards. In bed I did some Kingdom Hearts grinding and finished the Pooh book. Before bed I had a little fun looking at content of that OC I've found that I like so much.

~~~

Like most Mondays I went into today ready to work, having rested my creative mind over the weekend. I have some direction for my mental health this week. Im going to narrow down how I feel and potential triggers. This isn't that big a deal but one way I think I need to respect myself and my desires is to find a healthy way to start expressing myself sexually again. I'm not that sexual of a being anymore but when it does hit, I need to get it out. Drawing is one way if I am able to portray the subject matters I want to portray, that relies potentially on other's permission.

3 Things that made me happy today: -Tuna Spaghetti and Bluey -Drawing my current otter idea -Watching Zelda with Daisy

[raincamp]

11 07 2023

sh mention trigger warning

my depression has been really bad recently. at least i think its depression? i mean im diagnosed with PDD but its hard to tell most of the time. since its persistent. i dont know what its like to not be depressed. and when it gets worse i never know if im just sick or dehydrated or if its a bad episode, or if its caused by any of my other mental issues.

last night sucked. i dont know how else to describe it except that i felt like the world was ending. not in an anxious panic-attack-y way though, i just like, felt so much emotion that my body physically couldn't handle it. like i felt intense dread, and i felt like i was going to throw up. actually maybe it was a panic attack. weirdest panic attack ive ever had if it was.

anyway during the episode i sat on the bathroom floor and turned on music. and cut myself. thats usually how i know I'm having an episode. its hard to tell otherwise because i invalidate my emotions so much, and with my emotional permanence, its like every emotion i feel is the only thing i ever felt, so i dont really have comparison, except when it comes to physical tangible things.

physical tangible things like laying on the cold tile listening to wild world by cat stevens and feeling tears run down my face and my throat hoarse and blood dripping down my arm to stain my floor.

after patching myself up i didnt really know what to do, i told myself i would get up and do something but the minute i layed down on my bed exhaustion overtook me.

so i texted my roommate asking for help. she was still at work but i asked her to "give me emotional support in whatever way she could handle offering it" and i also said "its completely valid if you dont have the emotional capacity for me"

i have a lot of fear of burdening other people, which is why i used to not ask for help, but in therapy i learned that its ok to ask for other people to meet our needs, and so on the rare occasion that i do i usually leave ample space for the other person to say no. i dont want to force them into anything.

when she got home from work she made me tea and let me talk to her for a whole hour. immediately i felt better and went to bed with no problems. i was even able to abstain from drinking and smoking before bed :) i dont fucking deserve her

anyway, i woke up today feeling the same as i did yesterday. exhausted, lethargic, apathetic. i want nothing more than to lose myself in hobbies i enjoy, or accomplish something, but I can't. i tried yesterday, i would get out of bed, get dressed, and prepare myself to be productive, but the moment i started a task exhaustion would come over me again and i would find myself back in bed.

i wish i could sleep, because it feels like thats what my body needs, but no matter how much i try, i cant. ive been making it a point to eat and stay hydrated, but thats not helping, so the only thing i can suppose it is, is depression.

i hate that i cant even distract myself. scrolling mindlessly on my phone is boring, watching tv or youtube is boring, listening to music is boring, reading fic is boring, i even tried hanging out with my other roommate for an hour and i couldn't do anything but lay there.

i tried setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist so i can go back on antidepressants but the website wont let me make an account or appointment with anyone because it keeps starting over/refreshing the account making process every ten minutes. and i dont have the patience to sit through that.

i hate feeling like this, but i really cant do anything but try to keep myself alive. right now.

- andrew

[riverdamien]

Good Mental Health!

America's Loneliest Era!

(from the Washington Post)

Our Lady of Mary's Month!

Pray the Rosary!

Mental Health Month!

Jesus the Way to the Father

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe[a] in God; believe also in me.  2 In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?[b]  3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also.  4 And you know the way to the place where I am going.”[c]  5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?”  6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  7 If you know me, you will know[d] my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.”

8 Philip said to him, “Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.”  9 Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know me? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’?  10 Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own, but the Father who dwells in me does his works.  11 Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, but if you do not, then believe[e] because of the works themselves.  12 Very truly, I tell you, the one who believes in me will also do the works that I do and, in fact, will do greater works than these, because I am going to the Father.  13 I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  14 If in my name you ask me[f] for anything, I will do it.  (John 14:1-14 NRSVEU)

Mental Health Awareness Month What it is: May is mental health awareness month, making mental health and suicide prevention bigger topics than ever. #mentalhealthmatters has around 42 billion views on TikTok, and #mentalhealthawareness has racked up 20 billion. Why the conversation is changing: The CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior survey showed that suicidal ideation, especially for teenage girls, is continuing on a concerning trajectory. In 2021, 30% of girls said that they had seriously considered suicide in the past year, and 24% said they had an actual plan to end their life. According to data published by Mental Health America, 16.4% of youth reported experiencing a major depressive episode within the last 12 months. This news comes at a time when adults are feeling so lonely that the US surgeon general has declared loneliness a public health emergency. Stigma around mental health topics appears to be eroding, but that isn’t necessarily leading to better mental health outcomes for teens and for the population at large.

Conversation Starter: What do you think are the biggest contributors to mental health issues for your generation? (Check out our new video series on Mental Health for more help having this conversation!) 

-----------------------------------------------------------

What is good mental health? In his book, Ash Wednesday, J. R. Mabry has the Sheriff say: "If I have learned anything from my mother, Jake, it's there are no good people. There are only people in various stages of being fu. .cked up. Some less, some more."

Good mental health is the ability both to value life and to engage in a life of affirming other people and creatures and value their lives as we do our own, seeing them as independent from us. Good mental health means the ability to behave differently depending upon the circumstances and not expect every thing go our way. Good mental health is our ability to see everyone, regardless of social status, sexual identification, and color, simply as a fellow human being.

"In Christ  there is no east or west. in him no pride of birth, the chosen family God has blessed now spans the whole wide earth. For God in Christ has made us one from every land, race, and sexual orientation,  has reconciled us through the Son, and met us all with Grace."

We live in America's loneliest era. Our country is so divided, we stay buried in our social media and do not talk to one another, and most importantly listen. Good mental health means to"shelter our souls." For me it means to dwell in Jesus. "Dwelling in Jesus", means to be open to all, to listen, letting them find good mental health, and a "dwelling in whatever their belief in the Higher Power."

Recently a young man came to my place. He was well dressed, and he said don't you remember me, and I said, "Well, I am not sure," "You knew me as "Chaos", who at fifteen had been high on fentanyl and knocked me down, sending me on a two year journey of recovery. He said:

"You simply forgave me, and continued to be my friend...and for the next year you simply listened when I came to your house, even in pain you listened." Through our listening I found a Higher Power in AA." I went home to my parents, and am now in college. I keep a photo of you in my wallet to remind me you care and you listen, never judging."

Listening saves lives, simply listening with out judgment.

The word "dwell" is related to an old English word for "heresy" or "madness". Perhaps it is a sort of insanity to believe that God dwells here, with us.

Or that, somehow, resurrection is an end to our exile, and an invitation to come home to God. If so, the madness is the long-lingering hope of the human race, the dream to dwell. Not only a hope, however it is hard work, this effort to shelter our souls.

To "dwell" means we struggle as a family with all people in finding safety in life, in finding "good mental health".

None of us are "good", but we try as hard as we can and move from the stage of evil ultimately into the fullness of God, the fullness of accepting all as a reflection of Jesus of Nazareth--black, white, brown, blue, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning and all in between. The fullness of good mental health.

In the midst of our fears and uncertainty and old Methodist hymn, one upon which I was raised and one that will be sung at my funeral rings out:

"O God, our help in ages past,

our hope for years to come,

our shelter from the stormy blast,

and our eternal home."

Deo Gratias! Thanks be to God!

--------------------------

Fr. River Damien Sims, D.Min., D.S.T.

P.O. Box 642656

San Francisco, CA 94164

punkpriest1@gmail.com

415-305-2124

River's Creed:

"I write  because this is the way I protest".

Ministry on the streets is the way I resist, dong what I can to proclaim the Gospel of Love to every human being with out judgment."

"Now I hand down to  you what has been revealed to me: that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures and he was raised on the third day according to the scriptures."

[dear-self-this-is-you]

January 19, 2023 - 3:11 AM

Hello. After not posting for the longest time, I am back again. Not to rant, but to pray and talk to God. I am no saint & it's been really really bad. my relationship with the Lord right now is on the rocks and I've continued to badmouth him which im not proud of. by the start of the new year, i tried to be a good child - told myself i should be more optimistic and my greatest resolution for this year? to be a kind person coz i feel like thats the hardest thing to do as life tries to shoot me in the head with all these lifewrecking asshole shenanigans that i face on the daily. I was doing better. For a long time, I was trying not to curse - which I think has lessened but still at times I still cant help but find comfort at screaming bitching words in my head. For a while, thought I was doing good & progressing to becoming a better person with clean thoughts, full of hope, & faith. but then you know, life doesn't really go your way for the most part and unexpected things almost always happen - the good and the bad stuff. I don't vividly recall anymore how I got here but it got bad, like really bad. I was having episodes of mental break down every night and there's not a day that I don't cry. whats even worse is that i just spend every day on my phone trying to distract myself drom the merciless and negative thoughts lurking in my mind. I am still here with my family but it doesnt feel like it. Ive been gone long before. I dont even go out of my room and eat with them or watch tv. i dont. i just go out if i want to kidnap my niece who doesnt really want my kisses and cuddles. i dont even take care of myself as much as normal people do. and as much as i should. i dont take a bath and brush my teeth let alone look myself in the mirror in a day just because it feels exhausting for me. the normal routine a normal person does feels too heavy for me. thats how bad it has gotten. but yeah going back to trying to speak to the Lord - I just wanna say that i just hope my one and only dream that i sincerely desire and is deeply planted in my heart is still in line with what's meant for me. they say that it's meant for you if it gives you peace but thats not whats been going on. going back last year, the best thing happened to me - i got a job offer abroad which ive been dreaming for years!!! and whats even greater is that its an opp in London, of all the cities in the world, a door has opened for me in one of the brightest and richest places in the world. what a dream right? I was so grateful I couldnt ask for more and I was so happy to share the good news with my mom which made her also vv happy for sure. I prepared for the interview and had a whole long month of interviews. fast forward to processing the documents, i noticed my old phone was not in my possession anymore. as a memory hoarder myself, i found out that my mom gave my niece's nanny the permission to own that phone thats why she brought it back to her hometown. now all my pics & vids are lost which totally wrecked me. Thats how i got back to square one. became distant & angry with my mom & that nanny living in our house. up until now, havent gotten back the strong relationship with the Lord that I had built when he fulfilled my bigtime dream. But i was able to fully recover & heal from letting go of the memories I made with that phone - the nanny was gone but I wish her nothing but well although I mistreated her because of what happened. fast forward to today, i really dont know why things are happening the way they are now because i thought by now that fulfilled dream must have already come to fruition. i thought by now i was already living the london dream and going places. but still here i am waiting for what feels like so close yet so far. Lord, i really hope this is still meant for me. please let this be meant for me. ive shed billions of tears, got empty after being so empty, lost all my faith in every little thing & was so so so fed up. ive survived & still surviving the growing pains of this waiting game so please let there be light at the end of the tunnel.

[r-herring]

SURPRISINGLY TRAGIC YUURI NEVER SAYS “LET’S END THIS” AU 2.0

We all dread the “let’s end this” scene in fanfic (except you crazy angst gremlins. You all know who you are.) But, ironically, for maximum angst, consider the Yuuri Never Says “Let’s End This” AU:

-Yuuri and Viktor have another day before the free skate to be happy, beautiful, and engaged as hell. They practice, tour some more around Barcelona, trend on Twitter when they do something adorable in front of all the tourists at Sagrada Família. All is right in the world.

-Yuuri tries his best to hide his mounting anxiety and enjoy the time he has left with Viktor. He doesn’t know where they stand after the Grand Prix Final, but he saw a nostalgic Viktor watching the other skaters’ SPs and assumes his coach wants to return to the ice. He believes he’s failed Viktor with his lackluster SP. He still hasn’t divulged his retirement plans to Viktor and he knows his coach isn’t going to take it well whenever he finally voices them.

-The next day, Viktor enters the stadium radiantly happy at his fiancé’s side. He raves about his beautiful Yuuri to Stéphane Lambiel and the TV audience.

-Yuuri, meanwhile, is a pressure valve of pent up anxiety ready to blow—which he inevitably does in the stressful period leading up to his skate.

-Viktor, who has learned from his parking garage experience, stays close to Yuuri and lends silent but steadfast support. However, he believes that Yuuri’s anxiety is solely due to his worry that his performance will negatively reflect on Viktor.

-Viktor gives him his usual pre-skate hug and kisses his ring, still worried about his Yuuri’s mental state. Remembering the parking garage, he reiterates that he believes in him even if Yuuri himself does not: “Yuuri, listen to me. I debated whether I should tell you this now, but…I took a break after becoming the five-time world champion to coach you, so how is it possible you still haven’t won a single gold medal? How much longer are you going to stay in warm-up mode? I really want to kiss the gold medal.” His delivery is tactless as usual, but he also knows that Yuuri hates being coddled and treated as weak.

-Yuuri, who has cried it out before his skate but still hasn’t divulged his retirement plans or asked Viktor about his own future plans (but has made plenty of assumptions), begins his free skate emotionally drained and with a huge weight hanging over him. Since he didn’t say “let’s end this” and thus did not witness Viktor’s breakdown, he is unaware (or is at least unwilling to consciously accept) how important and inspiring his skating is to Viktor. He doesn’t know that, for Viktor, a return to the ice will be empty without him. Thus, he doesn’t feel the need to show the “Viktor that lives on inside of [him].”

-He does, however, feel the need to show the world that Viktor coaching him was not a waste of time because he doesn’t want Viktor’s reputation sullied. He doesn’t skate for Viktor. He is still unaware just how important his skating is to the man. Rather, he skates for his idol’s reputation. Similarly to his SP two days prior, he focuses on the technical elements of his skate, but is unable to emotionally engage in his performance and convey the love meant to be represented in Yuri on Ice since there’s so much hanging over his head.

-Yuuri is exhausted and, like in episode seven, it shows. Nevertheless, it’s not a horrible skate by any means. While anxious and tired, Yuuri is also both stubborn and tough; it is the final skate of his career and he intends to make it count. He still changes the jump order.

-His PCS, and performance in general, is fine in the beginning of the skate when he believed he was fighting alone. It continues to be fine through the next phase of his performance that represents the love of his family and friends since Viktor still helped him to acknowledge and accept the love that has always surrounded him. His performance remains steady even when Viktor first enters the picture. After all, he’s thankful for the impact his idol Viktor had on his life and growth as a skater. However, as the skate moves toward the present and Viktor the man, the flesh-and-blood human being, enters Yuuri’s life, Yuuri starts to fumble. It’s not the final, beautiful “good bye and thank you for everything” to Viktor and skating that we see in canon.

-Yuri on Ice isn’t a complete story. He’s still dreading that final conversation with Viktor.

-He flubs the quad flip.

-Viktor does not realize, in that moment, that he really wants to return to skating. (Sayo—or, I think it was Sayo?—said in an interview that Viktor realizes that he wants to compete again the moment Yuuri lands his quad flip.)

-Viktor, unmotivated to continue skating, content in his position as coach, and still unaware that Yuuri plans to retire, does not tell Yakov that he plans to return to competition. Yuri doesn’t overhear said plans, doesn’t infer that Yuuri plans to retire, doesn’t confront Viktor about it, and doesn’t receive a desperate, crushing hug.

-Yuuri is an important part of Yuri’s agape, as revealed in his FS monologue. All Yuri wants is for Yuuri, whom he admires, to skate a clean skate. Yuri thus enters his FS bitter and livid with Yuuri over his average performance. In episode 12, Yuri’s anger was an expression of his agape (i.e., the kitty shows his love with his claws) and he skated in large part for Yuuri; he pushed himself beyond his limits to prevent Yuuri’s retirement. In contrast, here, his anger at Yuuri isn’t constructive and actually cripples his agape. He isn’t motivated to prevent Yuuri from retiring. He’s just angry. As far as he knows, Yuuri will continue along as an average skater performing far below his potential with Viktor at his side as coach. Yuri will never get to see Yuuri skate clean. Moreover, he’ll never get the opportunity to skate against Viktor and prove that he’s more than Viktor 2.0 since he believes Viktor will be too busy looking after the pig. With a with a critical component of his agape aggressively carved out by rage, and no additional push to prevent Yuuri from retiring, Yuri performs well in his FS, but not quite as passionately and as limit-pushing as canon. 

-Yuri wins the GPF. Even though his FS wasn’t very passionate and was subject to some errors, he’s consistently scored at about a 200, or just below, for his FS. Even if he gave a subpar performance, it is very unlikely that he’d score the 182.06 or lower on the FS that would be necessary for JJ to surpass him. JJ comes in second place, with his canon total score of 300.62, although it is possible the other skaters’ performances could have affected his nerves, and therefore score, a few points in the positive or negative direction. Otabek--who was still robbed. Sorry, Otabek--comes in third, with his canon total score of 293.41 (or close to it). 

-Yuuri comes in fourth. Assuming Yuuri’s FS score is similar to the 177-ish he received at the Cup of China with an additional +6-ish for the revised jump order (and that +6 is generous since that’d assume he landed all the jumps, which he did not), he would receive a total score of 281-ish. Even if he rallied for the final, he’d need an additional 12-ish points to make the podium, which doesn’t seem likely. 

-Yuuri, who wasn’t ‘called out’ to keep fighting by Yuri in his FS and is extremely demotivated due to missing the podium, keeps his plans to retire and accepts that he’s a dime-a-dozen skater that couldn’t even make the podium. 

-Yuuri, though he doesn’t feel like he deserves the opportunity, is additionally devastated by the loss of the EX skate--his one and only chance to skate on the same ice as Viktor before his retirement. 

-Viktor tries to console him despite his own disappointment, but is at a loss. Viktor feels like a failure as a coach, as he failed yet again at helping Yuuri with his anxiety and figuring out what he needed from him. 

-Later that night, in their hotel room, Yuuri finally tells Viktor that he is retiring and that he should return to skating. Viktor just looks at Yuuri, the matching Stammi Vicino costumes hanging unworn in the closet, and cries. He’s heartbroken and completely unmotivated to return, both because he didn’t have that moment of realization during Yuuri’s FS and because he feels like an utter failure as a coach, his love is leaving him, and he’s just generally in a really low mood.

-They both skip out on attending the EX. Soon after, they both announce their retirement and, with no time left in Barcelona to resolve their miscommunication, they quietly return to Hasetsu. Viktor packs up his room. Their future together remains uncertain. 

-Meanwhile, at the EX: Since Yuuri did not shatter the FS world record, Yuri is generally satisfied with his FS performance and is therefore is content to perform Angel of the Fire Festival as his EX skate. Yuri and Otabek do not choreograph Welcome to the Madness. Yuri’s EX skate is very similar to his FS, a skate that is much more Viktor’s style than his own (so much so that Yakov has a flashback to a young Vitya during his performance). The performances leave Yuri feeling firmly in Viktor’s shadow and, despite his best efforts, well on the way to being groomed as Viktor 2.0.

NOTE: This is the second version of this AU. The first is here. I revised it when I realized that Yuuri likely wouldn’t score high enough to make the podium.

[unabashednightmarekitten]

Rating and recommending some of the kdramas that made me sad because sometimes we all just need a good cry. Enjoy the pain x

Goblin- do I even have to say it? 9/10

Mr Sunshine- the same writer as goblin...so take a guess 9/10

Scarlet Heart- expected trauma and was not disappointed 8/10

Splash Splash Love- (less)bitter(more)sweet 8/10

Hymn of Death- the title really should have prepared me but I'm dumb 7/10

Black- more death and even more tears 10/10

Prison Playbook- I just wanted to give Je Hyeok a hug 9/10

Hospital Playlist- I mean a place full of sick people? 9/10

It's Okay Not To Be Okay- contrary to the title I did not find it ok how not ok this show made me 11/10

Move to Heaven- literally traumatised, cried every episode. Go back once in a while just to feel something 1000/10

My Name- All I wanted was to see Ji Woo smile at least once, was that too much to ask for? Lots of tears but watching her kick the shit out of men and that one dilf definitely made up for it 10/10

Hometown cha cha cha- couldn't stop crying the whole last episode because I was so happy but also because I was extremely depressed that I would never experience moving to a rural coastal town and falling in love with gods gift to creation 10/10

Moon Embracing the Sun- how could I watch Kim Soo Hyun cry and not cry myself?? 10/10

The Red Sleeve- Heartbroken, literally shattered into a million pieces and never recovered. If I could go back in time and not watch the last episode I 100% would. Usually, I'm all for emotional final episodes but this one took it too far. Still loved it though. 10000000/10

Hi Bye, Mama- If you want to save your mental health then stay away. I loved it, but it took me a while to finish because every episode left me emotionally drained. The amount of tears I shed is not wise. Proceed with care and watch at your own risk. 9.5/10

Beyond Evil- omg this drama was a masterpiece bonus points for making me cry like a baby at the end 100/10

P.S. Please send your recommendations my way, as you can tell I'm a sucker for a good emotional drama.

[thecountesstribe]

WHY HER REVIEW AND SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

So WhyHer?/Why Oh Soo Jae? ended today and I could honestly say I'm happy with it. I didn't expect it to get so heavy but it was great nonetheless. Plot was a solid 8/10, pacing was a 8/10, characters were a 9/10 and the cast was a 10/10. The actors and actresses really drove the plot and characters home for me. SEO HYUN JIN DESERVES SOME AWARDS FOR HER PERFORMANCE. Let's not kid ourselves here, she took the character Oh Soo Jae and did it absolute justice. Hwang In Youp also did Gong Chan justice. KUDOS TO THEM!!!

Gong Chan honestly has my heart😭. Some people said Choi Tae Guk went out to easy and I could see why they said that but honestly no, he absolutely suffered. He trampled over people's lives without remorse or simply just because, for his own personal glory, gain, amusement and vindication and he went out absolutely pitiful. It was so satisfying to watch how everything he worked for crumble around him. His goal was within grasp and to watch the rug be pulled out from under him left him absolutely tormented. He couldn't face it. His death was fickle and satisfying. Juwan and his buddies are most likely suffering and in jail for what they did to Eunseo and it is deserved. The assemblyman and the Ceo of Hansu are also in the dumps. Couldn't have ended better. No doubt they're also in jail. I didn't have a problem with the romance aspect of the show either. When I read the genre of drama and saw who the male lead and female lead were I put two and two together. Besides I've seen enough older man/younger woman tropes, I was kinda glad to see it reversed for a change. Plus Gong Chan had his life together and he was pursing her so it was a win for me. I don't go into a show with romance as a tag and then complain about it, I knew what I signed up for. It would've been weird if he was fresh out of high school but that wasn't the case. He's 28 if I remember correctly and she's 37. Two adults so it didn't bother me.

The legal clinic is honestly squad goals and the found family trope for Soo Jae with them, Gong Chan brothers, Song Mi Rim and Doc Joon Hee is honestly *chef's kiss*. She got people who would have her back regardless. Yoon Sang was being a little shit but he came through in the end, I hope he's happy.

Y'all look at the material 😭😭😭😭. They're healing, happy, healthy, together and thriving and that's honestly all I wanted. Some viewers were disappointed with the lack of the "I love you" scene but in my opinion it would've been cliche and over-rated. Gong Chan has been declaring his love for her since the beginning and she returned the favor in episode 9. Besides I think "I'll always be by your side no matter what", "you could hate me just don't go anywhere" and "the same goes for you too, don't go anywhere" is so much better than "I love you". It wasn't an opening ending which I'm also grateful for cause those two, with everything they've been through, deserve a win. Safe to assume they've been together for the entire 6 month period timeskip. I'm glad Oh Soo Jae is happier. Her character development was stellar. She was never a cold character, it was just the environment and the people she was around. My only complaint is the way they did Jae Yi. I have never and I mean never sobbed like that for a character that had less than 15 minutes of screen time. It literally came out of nowhere!! I was expecting Chan to die cause he was so damn protective of Soo Jae, was mentally preparing myself for it then the writer took the kid. I was flabbergasted!

Anyways the show gets a 9/10 from me and I would watch again (just not episode 11, 12, 13, definitely 14 and maybe the first half of 15) cause I'm gonna protect my peace🤣🤣😭😭. I'll miss them! Also this calls for celebration HWANG IN YOUP CHARACTER FINALLLYYYYYYY GOT THE GIRL😭😭😭😭.

[hoodievixen]

The Voice of God [Steven Grant/Marc Spector x Priestess!OC] Part 12

Summary: Steven and Godeleve thought they finally found some normalcy with each other. Little did they know they would drag each other further into the mysteries ands secrets in their lives. (Godeleve can see and talk to Gods - mainly the Greek kind)

Word Count: ~ 3k

Warning: cannon typical violence, I think there’s swearing - idk if there’s swearing, mentions of alcohol, Moon Knight spoilers, author has forgotten what a normal conversation is after the end of the world, no beta we die like men

A/N: I’m alive! If you didn’t see my updates, my mental health took a nose dive so a took a break, quit my job (twice), and got my medication adjusted. I’m doing better. I wrote some of this chapter months ago, so if part way through the tone completely changes, that is why. This chapter is also a bit longer than other, cause half of it is an episode written out, something I hate doing yet curse upon myself so often. I also hate reading stories/chapters like that, so you get more.

Part 11, Part 13, Master List

The boat ride to Mogart's had been tense between marc and Layla. Both had secretly wish Godeleve had been there, thinking her presence would have lessened the atmosphere. But most likely she would have made it worse, saying something out of turn, or playing both side, riling them up even more. But she had parted from the two, having her own way to get into Mogart's. She said it would be easier to sneak in as a pair and a single than a group of three. Yet before deciding said group, she disappeared.

"Remember your name is Rufino Estrada," Layla reminded Marc as the two walked further into the yard, though it seemed more like a fare ground.

Marc was scanning through the crowd, trying to spot Godeleve. He knew she was a fan of disguises, so it would make sense for her to be hard to spot. Still he wanted to know where she was at when it came down to it. "Right," he responded to Layla, "We just got back from our honeymoon in the Maldives."

"That's an interesting little detail to give them."

Layla was not having it, "I'd tell them you worked in a gift shop, but they'd never believe me, would they?"

As the two approached the El - Mermah field another man in a black suit approached them. "Bek," Layla greeted him.

The bodyguard looked up and down the couple, scanning them for any threats. "Layla," Bek greeted her, a tinge off of indifference.

The two went into a hand clasp of a greeting. "It's been a while," Layla said, sounding friendly.

"Good to see you too," he responded finally making direct eye contact. "Right this way."

"Thank you," Layla said before following the man in black up to the wooden fence around the ring.

"He's looking forward to seeing you," Bek commented, "After Madripoor I'm sure you two will have a lot to talk about." He led them past the line of armed men, of body guards. "However you are not is only visitor tonight." Beck nodded over to a familiar figure leaning against the wooden fence, a glass of wine in her hand. She hadn't even bother changing her clothes. Still the limited clothing showing she was a foreigner and the dark head dress blocking her face.

"Excuse me for a moment," Bek said, heading in the direction toward Godeleve. "Mr. Mogart will be with you shortly."

The two kept their distance from Godeleve, as they were nothing but strangers right now. "So what?" Marc scoffed, filling in the silence as they waited. "This joker put on El- Mermah games in his backyard, for fun?"

"No, he gets private lessons from the best in his backyard, " Layla retorted, stressing her annoyance at Marc.

Marc didn't know how to respond to that, not having expecting that from this guy. "Cool." Marc watched the guy as he prepared to greet them "I like the robe."

"Layla. Come in," Mogart called out to them. The couple walked out onto the sandy field. "Such a delight to see you."

"You two," Layla said, returning the mans handshake.

Morgart then leaned down to her hand. "How have you been?" he asked before kissing the back of her hand.

Layla didn't react to it, being used to the greeting. "Good. Thank you for having us on such short notice. Even with another visitor." Layla glanced to look at Godeleve, seeing that she was now walking around the outside of the fence, a man in a black suit following her.

"Oh please," Mogart said with a smile. "I hope you realize you need no excuse to drop by. And they..." his eyes glanced over at Godeleve, "Was a spur of the moment business meeting. I'll introduce you before out deal is over."

Layla nodded to him, before bring her attention to Marc. "This is my husband, Rufino," she introduced him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Nice to meet you," Marc said, holding out his hand. Marc spoke in an English accent. While his alter spoke in one all the time, he didn't not sound confident speaking in one himself.

"Pleasure," Mogart said. But he tied his robe before shaking marc's outstretched hand.

He then started leading the two across the field, towards his house. "I hope you understand, this is more than a collection to me," Mogart explained. "Preserving history is a responsibility I take very seriously."

Layla softly laughed. "I self - appointed responsibility that you alone were able to enjoy, no?"

"Well, I prefer to see it as a philanthropic effort at preservation," he defended himself.

"Which I say you do quite better than some museums," a soft voice said, slowly approaching. She was speaking in yet another accent. French this time.

Mogart turned around wearing a soft smile. "Yes, you would be one to know," he commented. He held out a hand toward to woman who was approaching. "Layla, you ay have heard of her. You both work in similar fields. This is Lythraceae. "

"Don't feel bad if you don't," Godeleve, no Lythraceae, said. "I assume you deal with Egyptian antiquities, while I deal more with Greek and Roman." She gave them both a smile. In her eyes there was a single glint of familiarity. No one would have been able to expect they knew each other.

"While your name dose sound familiar, I wouldn't have been able to place it," Layla answered. The two met in the middle and shared a handshake. Even then not even a wink of recognition in her eyes.

"With introductions out of the way," Mogart started, stepping between the two. "What has you interested in this piece?"

"Well..." Layla started only to be interrupted.

"I'd like to hear from your husband, if you don't mind," Mogart said, gesturing to Marc, who had been taken off guard by such a request. Everyone was watching him, all excepts Godeleve who's gaze was off somewhere behind them and something else on her mind.

"I think - I think I'd like to take a look," Marc stuttered out, sound oh so suspicious. Still Mogart let them take a look.

Godeleve stayed out, set to keep Mogart and Bek mildly distracted while they did what they needed to do. "It is quite a piece," she commented.

"Indeed," Mogart agreed, trying to be hospital to a guest and possible future business associate, while not taking his eye of the couple.

"So few mummies still exist, crazy how people used to eat them," Godeleve commented off handedly.  

Of course Mogart knew what she spoke of, however Bek did not. "What?" he asked, turning his attention to the art thief.

Godeleve nodded. "While not so much as ate them, as consume."

"In Victorian England they would consume mummies for their 'mystical properties'," she explained. "As well as cocaine for a cold. So not a good track record."

Layla left the pyramid and joined the group. " He just need a couple of minuets in there alone," she explained, as she also stopped Bek from going in. " 'cause...Yeah. He is... He's praying." she terribly explained.

"Do the old god still even listen to the plead of humans?" Godeleve questioned. If anything she new how to change the subject. Layla gave her look, which could  be played of as confusion, but was more so checking if Godeleve was alright.

All was going fine until they saw Marc actually handling pieces. Guns were then drawn. However due to her not known of being involved, Godeleve had no gun pointed to her. Still both Marc and Layla were held at gin point. She could only just stand back and wait until something happened. Only do unto him what you see him do unto others. Those were her instructions, so that was what she was going to stick to. She is not in the proper state to question morals, instead have someone choose them for her.

Of course then he had to arrive. "What ever they've told you, I'm sure I can offer you something much more tangible." Harrow brought the scarab from his pocket and held it out to Mogart. It even started levitating, show it's magic. "Why settle for a clue, when you can have the treasure."

Layla tried to reason with him to not trust Harrow, but he was not having it. She even told him about Harrow's plans of slaughtering millions. But it was clear that something had happened in the past to cause him not to trust her.

"Please, there is no need to descend into violent accusations," Harrow butted in. "Each one of you has so much more in common than you know." Slowly he approached the group.

"Layla, you keep thinking that distance will prevent the wounds from your father's murder from reopening. But something stands in your way. Your husband doesn't tell you the truth.

And Marc, you don't tell her because you know that if you do, she'll see you exactly as you see yourself, as unworthy of love."

His gaze then turned to Godeleve. "I'm going to stop you right there," she interrupted him. "Cause I know anything you know about me, it's from Zen. Which is very rude that they shared that stuff. I don't go around sharing their dead name."

"Godeleve, you are actually someone I feel pity for. So desperate to be human, yet you have no idea how."

Her once relaxed postured turned stiff. "I believe I'm a better human than you will ever be. I know the worth of a life and free will. Those are nothing but minor sacrifices you will make to reach your goal. You are a closed minded fool with a silver tongue and a broken morals. You hate the gods, but how I see you are no better than them. Currently you are just trying to sew animosity between us, but we will all still be united by our hatred of you."

Harrow disregarded her, instead turning his attention to Mogart. "Anton, the lore surrounding these relics, I offer proof that it's real."

"So can I," Godeleve said in the background. "Not like there's a fucking god on you roof right now." No one payed attention to her.

"This sarcophagus dose not belong to anyone."

Said god on the roof caused the light to flicker and the wind to pick up speed. "Do it - summon the suit," he told his avatar. Marc only glared in his direction. "Give them what the deserve."

What do they deserve? Godeleve wondered. To her knowledge they were but greedy art thieves. Not much worse than herself.

Harrow already started to chant. His cane now lighting up purple and the wind started howling. Godeleve started approaching. As purple smoke started swirling, she put her hand down on the cane. It had been her first time touching it. It sent a shock into her hand, similar to a mild tazze, yet she kept her hand on it. "I believe that is enough proof," she said. Harrow finished the chant, now keeping eye contact with the Priestess.

The purple smoke surrounded the sarcophagus destroying it. Godeleve had taken her hand off the cane, and curled it into a fist. None had expected such a loud crack to come from a punch of a woman of such a short frame. While Harrow himself had not show such aggression towards a person, one of Godeleve's duties was to protect the sanctity of burials and bodies. Destroying a sarcophagus could easily justify some minor assalt.

"You hold no respect for the living or dead, do you?" Godeleve spat as both Harrow and Mogart's men surrounded her.

While they were distracted Marc took the opportunity to summon the suit. Moon Knight could be seen perched at the top of the pyramid that now held a destroyed sarcophagus.

Harrow had already made his exit.

Bek and Mogart were quick to follow.

Godeleve was quick to break free of the pair of men holding her. She twisted back other their arms into an uncomfortable position any further and something would break. With her hands touching the skin of their wrist she said a quick sleeping spell. Sigils lit up on the back of her hands, something she had prepared previously to properly preform said spells.

She glanced over to Layla who had picked up a gun from a body that had a crest dart stick out of it's back. With no hesitation Layla fired at retreating figures. One fell to the ground.

While she knew Marc had no qualms with killing, Godeleve had yet to observe it herself. Nor would she had expected such actions from Layla, who has experienced a great lose. Godeleve could help but question decisions, both those of the ones she serves, the ones she is working with, and her own. But she didn't have a moment more than for thoughts to enter her mind.

A line of guard on the other side of the field started firing at them. Godeleve threw herself to the ground, rolling into the shadows. She emerged behind the center man. she leaped onto him, covering his mouth with her hand. as he was stumbling backward due to the sudden extra weight she mumbled the sleeping spell yet again. She hadn't thought her approach through fully as the man fell asleep he feel back, landing a top her.

The ones besides him had noticed and had their guns aimed at her, once she would free herself from their comrade's body, they would fire away. Though none of them had expected her to melt away into darkness.

A hand emerged from the shadows behind one man. It gripped onto his ankle and he himself melted into darkness, only to appear a mile away on a street corner.

Godeleve then appeared in front of a man at the end of the line. Before he could fully comprehend the sudden appearance she kicked the gun out of his hand. She brought her hands down onto his just as she said the last symbol of the spell.

She then ducked to avoid the projectiles sent by Marc. She let out a low hiss and shocks hand like she was trying to get something off of them. Such frequent repeated use of the spell was causing the sigils to burn.

She looked back to see Moon Knight had knocked all the guns out of the mens' hands. Godeleve burred her hand into the dirt of the field. All the guns on the ground were swallowed by shadows and spit out into the river.

He then came running in to take care of them. It would have been a pathetic fight even if they still had all their guns. In the middle of it, Marc froze. Holding a man in a chokehold the suit changed. No longer was it the ceremonial garb, but not a white three piece suit.

"That's it," he called out, with a true English accent now. "Alright. Time out."

Godeleve stood up, looking at him dumbfounded. "Steven?' she wondered out loud.

"Oh hello, don't think we've been properly introduced," he said.

She wasn't sure how to take that. Sure she had been wearing a wig, lenses, and a heavy amount of make up during the entirety of their relationship. Yet Marc had been able to recognize her, though he didn't believe it. Steven had had to have heard her name, he had to know it was her. Did she want him to know it was her...?

The sound of horse hooves interrupted her thoughts. One was heading right towards her. Instead of running or rolling out of the way, she stood her ground. At the last moment, she leaned to the side, grabbing onto the reigns. With the momentum of swinging herself onto the horse, she knocked of the rider as well. "I do not know how to ride a horse," she commented to herself, "But now's a good time to learn."

Another rider was charging at her, his stick held out to knock her off, she just ducked beneath it. Godeleve was quickly approaching the fence, and didn't know how to turn. She did have an idea on how to stop. She pulled back harshly on the reigns. While it did stop the horse it did buck her off, and Godeleve fell into the dirt with a thud and a groan.

As she clambered back up off the ground, she turned to see Marc had control of the body again. There were three guys surrounding him. Each with a spear through him. Had he not had the healing suit, he would be dead, They had the intentions to kill. She could have the same for them.

In her hands appeared a gun, one of her own. While the rifle had a scope she did not need it. Three consecutive shots ran out. Each struck true. Two to the heart, and the final to the head.

All that was left was one final rider, and Mogart who was now mounted as well. Layla ran out onto the field, hopping the destroyed fence. She easily fired and struck the rider, having him fall of his steed. However Mogart struck her from behind.

Marc now having removed the spear from his body threw a dart at Mogart, hitting him in the back. The horse still went on even as the rider slowly fell off.

Both of them looked to Godeleve who had her gun now pointed to the ground. "You couldn't have done that earlier?" Marc asked.

"I have my rules," she explained plainly. A loud howl echoed through the night, though it was closer to a growl. Godeleve swore she recognized the sound. But no matter what it was it was the beast summoned by Harrow's magic that she needed to deal with.

She returned her rifle to wear it had previously been. "I have something else to take care of," she sighed as she hoped over the fence and walked into the mass of trees.

[shihalyfie]

What went down with the DigiFes situation, from the community and translator perspective

I think the events of the last few days have gotten everyone in a huge fuss, and because everything got caught up in a lot of chaotic social media stuff, there’s been a lot of questions about what came from what and who knew what at what time. Fortunately, I happen to be:

Someone who’s a veteran in this fanbase and thus has a small handful of friends in this community, who also have their own friends

Someone who understands a little Japanese (although not as much as others in this community do) and therefore can read things in Japanese myself to some degree without needing someone else to translate it for me

So hopefully I can shed some light on what kinds of things were being discussed, and what was known and not known at what time in this fanbase with all of this.

The most important thing I want to establish is that there was no organized coalition or smear campaign. (Kind of ironic I have to say this when the topic at hand has so much to do with conspiracy theories.) I’m a veteran, I know friends who are veterans, they know other friends who are veterans but don’t know me at all. My friends usually agree with and like the same things I do, and I give them advice and assistance with my skillset when I can, and they return the favor. We pass things along through the grapevine, not through some super-secret club grapevine, just via the nature of social relationships and some Discord servers (multiple; again, not everyone knows each other). So these are my impressions of what happened, based on said grapevine.

How it all started

Konaka’s blog is long. Like, really long. Which is only natural, because he was recapping basically the entire 51 episodes of Tamers in excruciating detail, so no translator in this fanbase would be able to translate all of that and not lose their mind! So for the most part people who couldn’t read Japanese had pretty much given up on reading it (with maybe a few dedicated people using machine translation), and some people who understood Japanese would point out parts they found interesting, but for all intents and purposes it remained untranslated and not super-accessible to the mainstream. (Even the Japanese fanbase itself wasn’t super aware of the blog’s existence.)

So when that first post in May about 9/11 dropped, the people who did read Japanese started going “uh...”

At the time, the DigiFes stage reading hadn't been announced yet. So, in other words, everyone reading it only knew it as, functionally, him namedropping an alt-right YouTuber and praising his observations. The reaction from anyone reading the blog at the time was something along the lines of “disappointed and mildly concerned.” (Note the mildly.)

The posts in June about the Great Reset and the anti-vaccine sentiment were when people keeping an eye on the situation started to get really worried about how far this was going to escalate. At this point, I want to make something clear that may not be apparent to those who weren’t keeping up or who are outside the fanbase: Most of the translators and Japanese-reading people deliberately chose not to be too public about this at this time.

Why?

This is the irony surrounding the fact that said translators are now being accused of trying to further “cancel culture”: cancellation was absolutely not what anyone wanted back then! If anyone wanted to create a smear campaign, 9/11 conspiracies, the Great Reset, and anti-vaccine statements are already more than enough to make a starting case. But at the time, this was a blog that very few people (Japanese or otherwise) knew about, translating it would basically just boost its platform more than it would have had in the first place (which would be counterproductive), and -- well, let’s be real, it’s not hard to imagine that people might get reactionary over it, and people would go nuts. Was there any real benefit that would come out of that? Not really, no.

So at the most, those keeping an eye on it might have vented a bit on their personal accounts, but some even tried to self-censor with “[redacted]” or vagueposting, because this was a matter that needed to be handled with delicacy. Thus, there were “mild rumors through the grapevine” about what was going on, but those who knew were trying to hold back with restraint and mostly inform people quietly in the hopes of this not needing to become some kind of huge social media campaign.

(Also, to be a bit blunt about it, it’s really hard to be in front of someone who loves Tamers and is gushing about it and showing admiration for Konaka, knowing all of this and wanting to say something, but feeling like a jerk if you pop their bubble like “also, he’s probably an alt-right conspiracy theorist now.” Not to say that the ignorance-is-bliss concept is always a good thing, but...)

But since the blog posts in question were discussing the prospect of having his sentiments in fiction, everyone reading them was on edge anticipating what might be in store for DigiFes. The hope was that it might blow over. Hopefully, everything would be in the form of subtle themes with plausible deniability, it would all stay within the realm of “it’s not worth causing a fuss over this,” that would be the end of it, and we’d all move on with our lives.

Unfortunately, “Political Correctness is activating Cancel Culture” isn’t exactly subtle.

DigiFes and the aftermath

I think it’s too easy to assign too much responsibility to the fansub group that was indirectly responsible for breaking the news for all of this, but actually, the truth is, this would have gotten out anyway.

Even when the stream itself was going on, there were Japanese livebloggers, and there were also English speakers who caught on that something was happening with “the Tamers fighting political correctness”. Some hours later, an upload of the stream went live on YouTube, and quite a few people started watching it and caught onto what was going on. If the fansub group that released the now-infamous version hadn’t done it, I’m absolutely certain someone else would have eventually (perhaps in a different language first, but nevertheless). And even before then, information about what the hell was going on was already starting to circulate in broken and incomplete forms. That fansub solidified what was going on, and perhaps accelerated the moment the bomb dropped on everyone, but if it hadn’t been there, it would have happened much more gradually and chaotically.

On top of that, while the use of Western alt-right rhetoric (seriously, please do not try to bring the “injecting Western politics into Japanese media” argument here when all of us are asking him to take the Western politics out) meant that it went over most of the Japanese audience’s heads (hence your answer to “who approved this?”), there was at least one Japanese person who was politically savvy enough to call it out for what it was in disgust. (I’m not linking them here because I’m not dumb enough to fling them in a place where some of you trigger-happy people will go after them.) They didn’t even need to be super in-tune with Western politics to get it; they understood enough to tell that there were some pretty alarming extremist views in there. If they understood that much, it was naturally going to follow that the Western side was definitely going to become aware one way or another.

Even all that aside, at the very least, said fansub is accurate; imagine how much worse this situation would have been if someone else had taken it up and confused things further with a misleading translation, or, worse, deliberately messed with the contents. Basically, this debacle could have easily been a lot worse.

I don’t think anyone expected this to get as big as it did (as in, to the point mainstream anime reporters outside the fanbase picked up on it). There was a similar tri. reading back in 2016, but even a lot of the hardcore fanbase barely remembers it exists! These aren’t even supposed to be canon, either! But when you have that disclaimer at the front, and the contents are really like that, it was probably inevitable for it to become a social media sensation. I mean the contents...sure are a thing.

One thing I should point out about the disclaimer is that it only mentions the program itself. It doesn’t bring up the blog, and it doesn’t bring up who wrote this scenario, just the fact that the program contains alt-right rhetoric and conspiracy theories. Because it does! It’s not even technically praising or condemning the content within, it just says “we don’t agree with it”! What the group did condemn was...approaching staff about it (and especially starting a fight). Because, in the end, that’s what the disclaimer was for: a heads-up about what was in there, and an added reminder that the people translating this are just translating it for the sake of informational purposes. Or, in other words:

It was a content warning. Even without the disclaimer, there were many, many people who would have recognized the contents for what they were and been caught by it unawares, and become upset by it. There were many people who said that they were glad to have that there because it at least gave them some time to mentally prepare for what they were about to be slapped with!

It really, really was a disclaimer. When you have something that level of extremely politically charged stuff, it’s only natural to start suspecting that the translation group had an agenda (official translations tend to get this a lot when content is remotely political). But no, the translation group did their due diligence, even if their opinions were starkly opposed to what was in there.

I was not personally involved in that translation, but I’ll give you this (copy-pasted with permission, from someone who wasn’t technically involved directly in it but was privy to discussions while it was being done):

no we brought up all of those questions like the fact that Yamaki's clearly off his rocker and this isn't supposed to be taken seriously in the first place or that maybe if we're lucky he'll just sound like a fake woke boomer but no matter how you slice it the plot is about him "convincing" the unbelieving Takato and co. into rallying up against the true enemy of Political Correctness and that's just literally the alt-right playbook in a nutshell

the thing even made it to YouTube, we were basically racing against the clock

I mean I really want to say this is plausible deniability but I don’t know how you can get any less subtle than this, this is not something you can mince words

like I really wish we could pass this off as “as long as you don’t know the blog you can take this innocently as political commentary or something” but I honestly don’t think this is something you can take innocently even without context

tbh the Political Correctness part is the most cringeworthy but Yamaki’s rant about fact checkers being evil and all that is probably a lot more worrying when you think about it

tbh I’ve never felt as conflicted about what’s the right thing to do as I do now

So in other words, it was not a reckless decision to just tack on a political label; it was done after a lot of consideration about the consequences to put the label on and what people would think of it with or without context, whether there might be a glimmer of light possibility to try and pass this off as more innocuous as it was, and eventually a determination that, in the end, there was indeed alt-right rhetoric in the program, and should be labeled accordingly.

The result was that, of course, everything broke out on social media, chaos burst out, a lot of hearts were unfortunately broken, and a lot of alt-righters started invading spaces accusing people of proving him right with cancel culture. Ironically, my personal observation is that, while there were exceptions, most people in the actual fanbase did honor the requests to not harass people about it, and this may actually be the most solidarity I’ve ever seen from the Digimon fanbase in my life, which is saying a lot considering how we usually tend to be a drama magnet most of the time. The ones who were actually directly messaging him were his newfound supporters locking down on offering him “support against people trying to cancel him” (I think they were more heartbroken and upset at him than anything...), and most of the harassment came from alt-righters not even in the fanbase, namesearching and sending harassing, accusatory messages to anyone involved for as much as expressing mild dismay. (You want to talk about harassment and being attacked for having an opinion? Pot, meet kettle.)

This leads us back to the question of the blog: if you’ll remember, I just said that the fansub in question did not bring it up at all. That’s because, at the beginning, there was no intention to bring it up if it wasn’t necessary; this was not intended as a smear campaign. The warning was attached to the DigiFes program because it was about the DigiFes program. But the resulting chaos had a lot of people bring up the blog because it better contextualized what was going on, and discussion led to people looking it up themselves and posting fragments of it on social media, sometimes even using machine translate.

Ultimately, that’s the reason this document was released: it was the same reason as the fansub being released at the time it was, which was “if it hadn’t been released, the alternative was watching things get disseminated more slowly and chaotically.” I will say outright that I was one of the people who got to lay eyes on that document before it was publicly released (and even helped out with some advice here and there); it’s no secret that it was being quietly passed around as an internal memo prior to the outbreak. The original version of the document had a request to not post it on public social media because of the chaos it would cause, and while I don’t know how many people got to see it before it was released, I’m under the impression that it was enough people that I was quite surprised everyone who saw it respected that request.

Why does the document contain a ton of analysis and debunking on top of just the translations? Well, when you’re translating those blog posts, you’re technically giving it a bigger platform (which was one of the reasons it was originally considered better to not post it publicly). Since the document exists primarily to inform people, especially about why certain things that may seem innocuous actually have wider context behind them, it’s going to need to contain an analysis like that.

The summary

There were a lot of decisions involved by a lot of different people through all parts of this ordeal. I think it’s fair to criticize whether they were the right decisions in retrospect or whether certain things should have been done slightly differently (including my small role in this), but nevertheless, it was one where the risks involved were thought through and taken into account in every step of the situation, with a desire to avoid chaos, or at least prevent it from getting too much worse. When you have contents like this, a controversy honestly is inevitable -- how on earth are you going to be able to put contents like Yamaki reciting off all the typical alt-right YouTuber talking points and ending in Political Correctness activating Cancel Culture and not expect that to make a stir at some point? -- and so, in the end, this wasn’t so much a conscious attempt at stirring the pot as much as it was the dam finally breaking, and a desire to keep it from spilling over too much. Nobody coordinated this! I think everyone just really hates drama.

Knowing all the steps and thoughts that went on behind all of this, I think being reactionary or accusatory for clout is the last thing anyone involved wanted to be. Considering just how many of these steps above could have easily been made into exposure, from the posts all the way back in May and June to the internal memo document that was made to keep friends quietly informed but could have been leaked to the public with only one bad actor, there was an active, common desire among people who didn’t even know each other to try and minimize the potential damage as much as possible. When you look at the situation now, of course it looks awful and hardly like something that came out of “trying to minimize damage”, but in reality there’s only so much you can do when the contents really are like that, and I personally believe everyone involved was doing what they thought was their best option as the situation kept changing.

I can’t speak for anyone else, especially since I don’t even know most of the people involved, and I didn’t have much of a role in all of this, but I think everyone involved, myself and my friends and everyone who’d been keeping tabs on this situation for months, has been going through a lot of heartbreak and conflict over what to do next, so please understand that there was a lot of thought put into all of it, and that it really was a difficult situation no matter how you look at it.

[curekibouka-writing]

Aftertaste (Twst one-shot fanfic)

Summary: By now, it should be too late. By now, it should be over. Yet one shred of sweetness persevered. (**Spoilers for main story episode 1 and Riddle's birthday story**)

Word count: 1134

A/N: Happy birthday Riddle (24/8/2021)❤️️🌹❤️️! Ugh gotta hate myself for thinking of birthday fics so soon before their birthdays I rushed this one somewhat.

*This fic is also on FF.net, Quotev and AO3

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“Wow…!” The redheaded child knew no other words to say as the hands covering his eyes were removed. Colours so vibrant bursted around him, a fragrance so welcoming embraced him, and butterflies so unfamiliar fluttered in his chest. 

“Surprise-nya!!!” Chenya jumped out from nowhere, setting off a party popper right beside Riddle’s ear. 

Riddle seemed too surprised to be any more surprised. He turned to Trey, who had been tasked with bringing him here blindfolded, and was now standing behind him, satisfied with his reaction. 

“What is… this?” he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“A party!” Trey answered, brushing away streamers and confetti in Riddle’s tresses, “It’s your birthday today, isn’t it?” 

“Well, yes but…”

“Oh quit dilly-dallying-nya! We gotta get you paw-ty started before an hour ends!” Chenya ushered Riddle to a chair. Then he hustled to dump a birthday hat on Riddle’s head and to pour some juice for him.  

With mittens that were clearly too big for him, Trey brought an apple pie out of the kitchen. “Usually we eat cake on birthdays, but I wanted to let you try something fresh from the oven.” He began to cut a slice, “Well, technically we cooled it for some minutes, but it’s definitely crispy and the smell of cinnamon is still all over the place.” 

Apples and cinnamon, Riddle took a mental note, this pleasant aroma was of apples and cinnamon. 

“Go on, eat up!” Chenya pressed, his palms propping up his head, humming as he stared at Riddle, as if observing a small animal.  

Riddle nodded with a hesitant smile, scooping up a mouthful of rich crust and apples aplenty. He knew not what he was expecting when he took a bite, but the abundant filling that lingered on his teeth, the buttery flavour that enveloped his tongue, and the slight tang of spices in his throat, it was unlike any of the ten or so celebratory delicacies he had eaten for his past birthdays. 

One bite warmed his throat. The next warmed his chest. The third warmed somewhere deeper. 

Then, the fourth, his eyes. 

“W-what’s wrong?” Trey was quick to grab a tissue and dabbed Riddle’s eyes, “You don’t like pies? You don’t like apples? I’m sorry we didn’t have time to ask what you liked to eat.” 

“Nya~ I bet it’s the cinnamon!” Chenya placed his chin on Riddle’s head, “It’s purrfectly okay, I hate it too, just cough it out-nya.” 

“But I already adjusted the amount…… is the flavour still too strong, Riddle?” 

The younger boy shook his head insistently. 

“…For my birthdays, mother would always make cakes with lots of nutrients for me. I know it’s for my own good. And I know she puts much effort into finding out how to make them delicious. And… and I’m thankful…

“But this…” his fork clanged against the plate as his hands flew to scrub his eyes, “This is delicious too! 

“What should I do, Trey, Chenya……? My sentence has already been passed, and I’m not to be with you anymore. But I still love this, I love it here! One hour is not enough. One day is not enough. I want this for my next birthday, and the year after, and more and more… 

“Please… tell me,” he reached out for them, “when will we…” 

But once the hands covering his eyes were removed, he saw nobody. No colours. No fragrance. His hands grasped air, bedsheet, and sunlight from the window that used to bring him to wonderland. 

He swallowed the words he could’ve spoken, and felt the aftertaste still on his tongue — all that was left of wonderland, aside from the tears that carried through. 

He wiped his eyes with his pyjama. Just because it was his birthday didn’t mean he was entitled to disobey. His mother had turned down a mere strawberry tart, why should he even dream of more? 

But once you have one foot in, you cannot stop tumbling down the rabbit hole. 

What if they had never been caught in all these months? What if the two of them remembered? What if they specifically came to him today? Would the story unfold like in his dream? Would they prepare something else for him? 

He tasted sweetness in his mouth, with the freshness of apples and the smooth texture of butter. It tugged a smile on his lips. 

Then he tasted spices in his throat, hot and constricting, the heat swimming to his eyes. 

The aftertaste was delicious, yet it eluded his senses, no more than an ephemeral image in a child’s mind. 

He practically leapt off his bed, feeling like he would suffocate were he to remain wandering in the maze for too long. 

He tore a grid paper out from his immaculately organised shelf, this shall be a draft for his newest crossword puzzle creation. 

He was quick to jot down a 6-letter “sweets” across the 1st row, then “family” in the bottom right to mirror it. 

He tapped his pen on his chin. Perhaps this was too easy. 

To fill up the remaining 8 usable squares in the 1st row, he wrote “cinnamon”, aligned to the right. 

He wouldn’t want the player to solve it too quickly. 

He glanced at “family” in the 15th row, adding the 8-letter “fragment” on the left. Then starting from its “n”, counting 11 squares upward, he filled in “expectation”. 

Because if he could see them again, if he could proudly declare that he had created this puzzle just for them with the biggest grin they’ve ever seen and ask them to solve it, he would enjoy every moment of seeing them brood over it. And for once he would pour the tea for them, leisurely savouring every word exchanged in their long, long conversation as they sample scrumptious apple pies or strawberry tarts or all sorts of cake he hadn’t even heard of. 

One knock on the door and he tasted ice. “Riddle? Are you awake?” 

“Yes, mother,” he replied reflexively. 

“Good. Breakfast will be ready in 10 minutes, make haste. I won’t tolerate unpunctuality even if it is your birthday.��� 

“I know, mother.” 

As he heard her walk away, he silently settled on the 11-letter word starting from the “i” in “cinnamon”. 

The time to wake up had long since passed. All the madness should be left behind in wonderland, by now, they are

“illusionary”. 

He set down his pen, turning to his closet to change out of his pyjamas. 

Yet one last shred of sweetness persevered. 

Briskly picking up the pen, he scribbled down one more word. He squeezed the pen for a moment, contemplating, then nodded in satisfaction and rushed to get himself ready. 

There, in the rightmost column, downward, 7-letters, sat the word 

“someday”.

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The End

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A/N: When I heard that he had made crossword puzzles wanting to let Trey and Chenya solve them, I just can't— 🥺