#mentally i'm not sensing much progress from either of them

[x1yun4]

How can you come to love yourself?

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Pile 01.

By dedicating time and effort to personal growth, you give yourself the chance to truly learn to love and appreciate who you are. Investing in yourself helps you uncover and recognize your potential, leading to a deeper sense of self-worth and accomplishment.

Here are some tips :

Begin by setting goals. Focus on areas where you want to grow and establish realistic, achievable goals, along with brief notes on what you hope to accomplish. These goals might relate to your career, personal interests, or emotional well-being. Write them down and make a plan to reach them by breaking them into smaller, manageable steps that suit you. Make sure to listen to your own heart while doing this! When people are unsure about something, they're likely to copy the actions of those who seem like they're able to fend for themself. However, you can't blindly do that. The path of self-improvement is a path of trial and error, there's no absolute correct way or method to approach things, so don't be stuck doing something you know isn't meant for you. Create your own path! Then, take small daily actions towards these goals — just a couple of minutes each day can bring you closer to where you want to be.

The next step is to cultivate an environment where you feel safe! You should seek out positive influences within your life as it can motivate you towards working to become the person you'd like to be. Distance yourself from people who don't desire to see you successful, or people who either drain your energy or foster negativity within your life. I'm sure it's harder to do than say, but please remember that your well-being is more important for you to protect than to care for people who don't deserve it. Changing your environment can open up exciting new opportunities. Sometimes, a fresh setting can introduce you to new perspectives and possibilities you hadn’t considered before. It’s worth exploring different environments to discover what they might offer and how they can positively impact your life!

Finally, take time to reflect on your progress. Make it a habit to reflect on your journey and recognize what you've managed to do, whether through journaling or a monthly reflection. Celebrate all successes, big or small, and learn from setbacks without being harsh on yourself. Reflecting helps you see how much you’ve accomplished and perhaps you'll come to appreciate your growth and effort!

Additional details.

Sunrise. Promise. Renewal. Warmth. Light. Leaves. Autumn. New connection. Puzzles. Time. Leaving the past behind. Knowledge. Laughter.

Pile 02.

Creating a healthy routine that works for you is another effective method to nurture the love you extend towards yourself! Through actively caring for your own well-being, you're showing yourself that you're worth the effort. You might feel like it's a hassle at first, especially if this routine is a complete change from your previous lifestyle, but start small! Rushing won't build you a stable foundation, taking it slow with thoughtful steps will.

Here are some tips :

Make your physical health a priority! Staying active can greatly benefit your mental and emotional well-being. Start with activities you enjoy and can realistically do, focusing on the present rather than the end result. Alongside exercise, nourish your body with healthy foods and stay hydrated. Incorporate a variety of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains into your meals, and remember that small, gradual changes can lead to lasting habits. Additionally, aim for consistent, restful sleep by establishing a calming bedtime routine. The goal of this is to create a routine that feels supportive and manageable for you, so don't be too caught up in following other people's footsteps. We're all different, do what your heart is telling you! Learning to trust yourself is another aspect to self-love after all, right?

In addition to focusing on physical health, it's crucial to nurture your mental and emotional well-being with activities that promote relaxation and reduce stress, as these are equally necessary for your overall health. These activities help you reconnect with yourself and gain a better understanding of who you are. It's also beneficial to try new things, which can further enhance the understanding you have of yourself!

Setting boundaries is also crucial. Learn to say no to commitments that drain your energy or time. Prioritize your own needs and make space for self-care in your schedule. This might involve setting aside specific times each week for self-care activities and balancing work, social obligations, and personal time. Establishing these boundaries is key to maintaining your well-being and ensuring you have time to recharge. It's important to be empathetic and understanding, but avoid becoming a people-pleaser who is able to sacrifice their own well-being for others who don't deserve it. If others think you're rude for respectfully managing your energy, don't let it bother you. While it's easier said than done, consider who is more pitiable, the person making an effort to care for themselves or the person who is upset by someone doing so? If you're clear about your boundaries while remaining respectful, there shouldn't be any real issue as setting boundaries doesn't make you rude. Don't let selfish people alter how you view yourself. However, if you're genuinely being rude, that's a different matter. It's not right to mistreat someone who doesn't deserve it just for your own peace of mind. Even if they do deserve it, think of what you want for yourself instead of acting on impulses that you might regret once you've come back to your senses. Always embrace responsibility rather than avoiding it, or else it'll likely come back to haunt you even if it's not physically.

Additional details.

Moonlight. Ocean. Depth. Garden. Roses. Doors. Keys. Ink. Feathers. Silence. Lingering touch. Yearning. Stars. Candle. Letters. Unvoiced sentiments. Trees. Late spring.

Pile 03.

Learning to love yourself often begins with practicing inward compassion, through means of treating yourself with kindness and understanding. You can't expect positive change if you're constantly dragging yourself down. It might seem like insecurity makes you more aware of your actions, but thinking poorly of yourself isn't helpful. When you focus solely on your flaws, you risk losing a rational view of your behavior. This distorted perception can prevent you from genuinely improving and might even cause harm rather than good. By being kind to yourself, you avoid being trapped by the illusions in your mind. Remember, everything starts from within, and the external world is neutral.

Here are some tips :

Reflect on the language you use towards yourself! Whenever you're talking to yourself, try to keep in mind how many of your thoughts are either pessimistic, judgemental or harsh. Afterwards, try to gradually change the way you talk to yourself by using more supportive and encouraging language like you would towards a loved one whenever you feel the urge to be self-critical. I'm not asking you to become an idealist or an optimist who never gets frustrated. Rather, it's important to remember that being humble doesn't mean being negative about yourself. Constant self-criticism only shows that you're not even on your own side which isn't good. Don't betray yourself for nothing!

Practice mindfulness, as well as forgiveness! This can help you stay present and aware of your own thoughts and feelings without false judgment. Techniques like meditation, or taking a walk in nature can allow you to look at things from several perspectives while also allowing yourself self-awareness without an unhealthy amount of self-criticism. By no means am I stating that you haven't done anything wrong in your life, but we're all human beings with flaws. If you've done something wrong, even after you've looked at the issue from several perspectives, then own up to it! To be a person who does nothing but complain about their incompetence isn't going to solve your issue, at least be mindful enough to not do it again in the future! Once is a mistake, and twice could be too, but once you make the same mistake too often, don't you think it's time for you to end this vicious cycle of yours through whatever means you can?

Additional details.

Echos. Halls. Shadows. Books. Understanding. Sincerity. Compass. Magnolia.

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[watchingblsnowandforever]

Hello!!!

Welcome back! =D

Part 2

Warning: long, long post (also a part 2 but I think y'all are used to it by now-) 😊😅

MattMick!! Also, Beer looking between them like that and Q and Toey peeking from behind cracked me up hehe

Also, does that mean Beer is single? Wait, maybe he's aroace. That'd be really cool.

I did see some hints of a throuple of him and MattMick, but I'm happy with either option.

SO CUTE 🥺🫶🏼

Poor QToey 😭

Their romantic moment got rained on so hard-

Exhibit: Here you can see three males from the species Homo sexuals. Two of them are already mated, and the third is in the courting process. We think the other male is interested too.

Oh- But I thought- oh, this makes sense actually. So the others know. I mean not really surprising when you think about it, to be honest.

With his unprecedented levels of obliviousness? Yeah, no, I get where you're coming from, Chain.

That's your biggest concern about getting a penguin?? 😭😭

Why does Peem look like the exasperated mom friend of the group 😭

After all the tiny crumbs of the past *checks notes* 8262 eps, this is a lot of progress.

HANDS. (I will never stop screaming about hands.)

Cuteee

Peem, babe, he hardly ever goes to class anyways. He's too busy following you around like a puppy.

Me, who holds handholding above everything else (yes, even sex): *DEEP BREATHS THROUGH THE NOSE* I'm fine. *SMOKE COMING OUT OF EARS* Totally fine.

Nothing to say, just a really good shot. (Also, Phuwin's exasperated smile seemed too real and then I learned Pond improvised that scene and yeah, that explains it)

ChainPun: only two people with matching pillow cases

QToey: missing (me?) [Sorry I couldn't resist 😭]

TanFang: peacefully asleep

PhumPeem: chronic insomnia, aggravated by Tan's snores

Matt: cuddling Mick

Beer: dreaming of him and his friends and their boyfriends all graduating with good grades

ChainPun. <33

Let me wrap this moment in my memory forever. (I tried to adjust the lighting a bit but it didn't really work out 😭)

AJSSHUJKJ!!!!! THEY GIVE ME TWO MAKE OUT SESSIONS WITHIN THE SPAN OF LIKE 4 MINUTES AND EXPECT ME TO BE SANE ABOUT IT???

No.

Look, we all expected this. I even said on record I wouldn't survive. And all that mental Muay Thai still didn't prepare me for this.

Till now, I have watched 60 BLs, give or take, so I've seen a lot of NC scenes. Compared to some of them, this is very PG-13, but this one really got me, like very few sex scenes have managed to. The intimacy, the palpable love, want. It all came together so beautifully in this scene.

Them saying 'I love you' during sex is canon! Yay! I knew it in my guts (wrote a fic about it) but feels so good to be right in canon hehe.

"I love you too, now kiss me again."

HANDS!!!! (It's canon now, they hold hands during sex, and so I can freely write a fic about it. Not that something not being canon ever stopped me but yeah.)

Fang: my brother is in safe hands. 😌

Also, love how Peem didn't hesitate to at the chance to kick both brothers and make it a streak 😭👍🏼

Honestly though, this scene shows that Peem is going to go to very long lengths to make sure Phum is okay, even kicking his own brother (which assures me that Peem maybe wouldn't hesitate that much to sucker punch their dad either, which is important information to have for possible future fics.)

How can one man be so goddamn cute??

The whimpering puppy noises- 😭

Cakes are so hard to bake, for real. This one is so cute though 😭😭🫶🏼

Puppy Phum- honestly is anyone surprised? No? Thought so.

This smile-

It holds so much happiness and the brunt of so many years of trauma. It's so beautiful. I'm probably gonna rewatch the heck out of this scene.

I end Part 1 here, Part 2 will be out (hopefully) soon!

If you got this far, thank you so much for reading! 😊 (All mistakes are mine, but in my defense, I literally fell asleep while writing this.)

Here, have a pie (of your favourite flavour) 🥧

[doumadono]

EMERGENCY REQUEST

Hello, can i please put in an emergency request for either hawks or shoto (or even both, if it’s not too much trouble for you, it’s completely ok if it’s just one of them) comforting a fem reader through a breakup? I just got broken up with in the middle of exam season and it’s really taking a toll on me. The stress of it all is starting to make me question my self worth, and I don’t feel like I can even be mad at my ex, since he broke up in order to take care of his own mental health, citing that he didn’t feel like he was in a good place for a relationship right now. All of that plus the general melancholy and I can practically feel myself sliding back into bad habits and mental health issues when I thought I was making some progress. Sorry if this isn’t emergency request material. Thank you!

Hawks & Shoto with a friend after breakup

A/N: I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time, especially during exam season. It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and question your self-worth in the midst of all this. Taking care of your own mental health is crucial, and it's okay to prioritize yourself during this challenging period. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. You're stronger than you think, and you'll get through this ♥

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

You find yourself feeling lost and vulnerable after the breakup, struggling to cope with the sudden change in your life.

Hawks arrives at your doorstep after his shift, carrying the book you asked to borrow. Upon opening the door to greet him, he notices the somber look on your face, and the way your shoulders slump with exhaustion. "Hey there," Hawks greets you softly, his eyes filled with concern as he takes in your appearance. "I brought the book you wanted. Mind if I come in?"

You invite him inside, and Hawks settles down beside you on the couch, his wings folding neatly against his back. "You don't seem like yourself," he observes, reaching out to gently brush a strand of hair from your face. "Is everything okay, dove?"

Tears well up in your eyes as you recount the breakup, the weight of it all crashing down on you. "My boyfriend… He broke up with me… I just don't understand why this had to happen now, of all times," you admit, your voice trembling with emotion. "I felt everything was going well!"

Hawks wraps an arm around you, pulling you close as he offers a comforting embrace. "Oh, you poor, little birdie! I know it hurts right now," he claims, his voice a soothing presence in the midst of your turmoil. "But sometimes, you have to release those who don't value your feelings. It doesn't mean you're any less deserving of love or happiness."

Hawks, with his bird-like nature, wraps his wings around you, drawing you close as he massages your shoulders and shares stories about his day of hero work to distract you.

Yet whenever your mind wanders to negative thoughts about the painful event and tears start to fill your eyes, he quickly changes the subject. "Come on, dove, you're too beautiful to have tears on your face. Hush now, birdie. It hurts, but I promise it will get better."

Knowing your apartment almost as well as his own, Keigo heads to the kitchen to whip up something tasty for you, using ingredients from your fridge. Spotting some chicken, he opts to make rice with fried chicken and veggies, convinced that nothing lifts the spirits quite like a tasty piece of chicken.

After the meal, as your emotions begin to waver, you yawn, feeling sleepy.

Hawks lets you rest your head against his shoulder.

As you drift off to sleep in the arms of your friend, you find solace in the warmth of his presence, knowing that even in your darkest moments, you are never truly alone.

The breakup hits you like a tidal wave, leaving you feeling adrift in a sea of uncertainty and despair.

During a patrol together, Shoto notices the tension in your body and the way your movements seem strained. He senses the heaviness in your heart, even though you try to hide it behind a forced smile. "Is everything alright?" Shoto asks quietly, his gaze gentle yet penetrating as he studies your expression. "You seem… off."

You hesitate at first, unsure whether to confide in him, but the concern in Shoto's eyes is enough to break down your walls. "I just went through a breakup," you admit, your voice barely above a whisper.

Instantly, Shoto's hand finds yours, his touch warm and reassuring as he squeezes it gently. "I'm sorry to hear that," he murmurs, his voice filled with empathy. "Breakups are never easy, I guess. I'm truly sorry to hear you're facing such difficulties," Shoto expresses, his eyes conveying empathy. "While I may not fully grasp the weight of the stress and sadness accompanying a breakup, having never experienced a relationship myself, I want you to remember that after every storm, there's a rainbow," he states, his gaze drifting to some distant point on the horizon.

You nod, unable to find the words to express the depth of your pain.

"It's okay to feel sad," he assures you, his hand reaching out to gently brush away your tears. "But don't let this breakup define you. You're stronger than you realize."

"I just don't know what to do," you admit, your voice trembling with emotion.

Shoto wraps his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close in a protective embrace. "You don't have to have all the answers right now," he claims. "I'll be here for you every step of the way, don't forget that," Todoroki reminds and gently ruffles your hair.

As the patrol continues, Shoto doesn't push you to talk about it further, knowing that sometimes, the comfort of a familiar presence is all you need.

As time passes, you notice the tension starting to ease away.

With Shoto by your side, you begin to feel a sense of peace settle over you, knowing that even in your darkest moments, you're not alone.

[onlyjaeyun]

i’ve been following ur writing for some time now and i do have to agree with that anon who said you did CH dirty. you are a very talented writer so it’s just hard to watch.

you started off CH so strong with the lore and little chapters here and there but as it progressed you kind of just got lazy and it shows. when important events happened in the story, they weren’t conveyed through writing but through the texts (ie the riki and yn fight, that was definitely worth a written chapter) and it was honestly disappointing.

the ending isn’t much to say about either. yn and hoon barely go through development after the letter incident and all of a sudden they’re dating and married with a kid like two chapters later?

idk, if it was a mental health issue then i get that but even then you should’ve just gave it a break and thought everything out more. you could do so much better.

thank you for the feedback!

i wanna put you through the progess of a piece of writing from the POV of a writer okay? now keep in mind: i work two jobs, am a fulltime uni student and the daughter of an immigrant household with two parents who still work most of the day just so you know what else i have to deal with, besides my mental health okay?

now, i started off CH strong right? yes. i uploaded on the daily, fine i chose that. a chapter usually takes me around one hour if i actually sit down and focus on nothing but the chapter itself, which includes IG stories, editing, formatting etc. alright

on top of the daily chapters, i constantly replied to 40+ asks a day, a blessing in disguise because no matter how much i enjoy talking to you guys, the pressure does get worse the bigger that number of my inbox becomes, i hope this makes sense

now, i started CH back in october, right when my semester started, thats why i started off strong but as time went on, my assignments and private life got too busy and i guess i felt entitled enough as a writer to skip a few certain chaps and make life a little easier for me by making them regular chapters instead of written ones.

and this is gonna be my main point: i'm not a machine. i wrote a minimum of 5 THOUSAND words per written chapter, MINIMUM. we're talking about a 5-9 THOUSANDED worded chapter EACH WEEK. which usually took me about 6-7 hours, even allnighters.

yes, i chose to do that and maybe my time management wasn't the best but i had to create a compromise where i wouldnt have let you guys wait for over two months which would have resulted in me losing my motivation completely, and yet still focusing on EXAMS. because you know, i'm a fulltime uni student with TWO jobs 😮‍💨

if YOU think i did CH dirty go write an alternative ending yourself but it should be a minimum of 15 chapters including 5 written ones, with at LEAST 9k words each yeah? i wanna see you manage it all, pls prove me wrong snd show me you're better than me i'm genuinely begging bc it might inspire me to do "better" next time.

as a writer/artist/creator, and i can tell you probably arent one yourself or havent been one for long, the longer smth takes to come to an end the worse the pressure becomes which results in a blockage i dont wish upon my worst enemy i'm being deadass. i dealt with some of the worst writer's block ive had since i started writing literally 12 years ago and you're telling me i should have just "taken a break" and do "better"

i never, ever expected anything from anyone but some of you are so entitled to a writer's time and skill it's giving me a headache. maybe you didn't like the timing and writing of the last few chapters of CH and i guess that's unfortunate but this was so unnecessary because you completely dismissed everything else that could have been going on in my life and even belittled my mental health issues like im some fucking AI writing machine

do better, be nicer, write it yourself if you don't like it i'm so fucking over this

if i had gotten out of my own comfort and wellbeing and have actually written another set of written chapters i would have burned myself completely out. ive been in this fandom for not even a year and have already finished FOUR smaus with 50 chapters each, you do NOT get to tell me what i should or could have done better because you dont even give a fuck about me as a person this is just about receiving what YOU think YOURE entitled to but this is MY art and I will do what I see fit even if it's not what was expected of it because i'm a fucking human being with a life before i'm a writer on tumblr

oh, also: i do this for free ㅤ:) just a reminder :) this is my HOBBY :)

and don't you EVER call me lazy again when it comes to writing because i'm not gonna pour my heart and soul into a fic just for you to call me lazy when i literally wrote 50 THOUSAND words for this fucking fic just for the written chapters

goodbye

[rei-ismyname]

Mr Sinister should be experiencing profound existential despair

*Yes, I'm aware that he's not really capable of those kinds of feelings, but even from a character perspective the guy has lost his reason for existing. Huge spoilers for the entire Krakoan age, plus Heir of Apocalypse #1-3. We're talking about this guy.

One of the revelations of Krakoa was that Mr Sinister is not Nathaniel Essex, the 19th century Victorian eugenicist and scientist (now space god trapped experiencing the moment of death for eternity.) He's a clone *created* by Essex to achieve Domionhood (the highest form of non-linear gestalt machine entity - traditionally formed by joining singularities of machine intelligence together with so much processing power they are functionally Gods) through the study and utilisation of mutant power.

What a paragraph!

Here he is in 1924, threatening Destiny after killing Sinister.

He thought he was seeking Dominion for himself, not knowing he was a clone or that when he achieved Dominion his progress would be harvested by Essex. Essex created 3 other clones/variations for the same purpose but through different means -

Dr Stasis through post/humanity and Orbis Stellaris through the 'cosmic powers' (dude took over the Progenitor 's Worldfarm - a staggeringly impressive achievement for a 19th century clone from Earth)

These two dickwads

Finally, Mother Righteous through Magic (physically a clone of Essex's dead wife Rebecca, but just as much of a callous existential colonialist and monster as any Essex spawn.)

There she is, having a tanty after Enigma stole her Dominion success.

Each was created without knowledge of the other, and had mental blocks in place to prevent them learning about it. They ALL succeeded in various timelines and their efforts were harvested by the real Nathaniel Essex - Enigma, leaving the clones with nothing. Less than nothing. Alive but very dejected.

Making a huge unforced error

Instead of enjoying his godhood he chose to fight the X-Men and thanks to Jeanix, Xavier and Moira he's now a smear across infinity - defeated and broken but trapped at the moment of death forever.

Get Phoenix'd idiot!

Mr Sinister knows all of this, he even participated in the fight. Dr Stasis and Mother Righteous are dead, though Orbis Stellaris is still out there. His brain was only able to comprehend this stuff properly very recently. Even when working against Enigma there were still blocks in place.

Any one of these truth bombs would mess his head up, but all of them at once should ruin him. He doesn't have a sense of ethics but he does need purpose. Consider how bummed he was when the Progenitor ignored him on Judgement Day. He's not a real boy like other clones are.

- He's a clone with all sorts of fake memories

- Created with the compulsion to fulfill someone else's endgame

- Everything he's done for the last 200 years has been in service of Enigma's plan. Even the stuff that makes no sense. Especially the stuff that makes no sense.

- He has no other reason for being.

- Enigma smote him at least once.

- Enigma is dead, like super dead.

- Everyone else knows this as well

What the hell does he do now?

*Sigh*, he'll probably just be treated as Nathaniel Essex again, given Brevoort 's transparent policy of overwriting Krakoan lore. He could just clone himself with a new purpose/hard reboot as we've seen him do in Immortal X-Men, but how would he even decide? Also, he's the mutant devil - anyone who knows about him should want him dead, including some very powerful people. Two of the things I found insulting about Heir of Apocalypse was Exodus being next to Sinister and not eviscerating him AND Mr Sinister just acting like his old self as if nothing had changed. At the very least it should be explained - it's really not that hard either.

Mr Sinister is a system not a person, so he can make whatever changes he wants. It's not a very compelling villain if we don't know his motives though, and he's been there before.

Once that door is opened you can't ignore it. It'd be a shame to throw away the development he received, while ignoring potential for interesting new stories.

[cherrylng]

Muse Interview - Matt Bellamy, Dom Howard, and Chris Wolstenholme [ROCKIN'ON (June 2001)]

Muse's explosive sound of philosophy, “Origin of Symmetry”

Interview: Erika Yamashita / Photo: Masakazu Yoshiba

There is no one who listens to this album and is not astonished. The long-awaited second album by Muse, Origin of Symmetry, is a real eye-opener. One reason for the surprise is that Muse has grown and developed beyond expectations in just a year and a half since their debut album. But another, and the biggest surprise, is the sheer preposterous scale and construction of this album. A concept born of an insatiable interest and passionate thirst for knowledge about what controls and drives the world, the universe and all things. The eleven tracks are assembled with an overwhelming sound. There are hysterical falsettos of lamenting vocals with bold shouts, abrasive and gritty rhythm sections galloping, bass lines dancing, imposing pianos echoing, and guitars making about three different instrumental sounds. The weepy, somewhat folk-like Muse verse is still there, but it's so grandly crafted that you forget about it. There are pushes and pulls, peaks and valleys within each song, and a steady flow throughout the album. Nobody makes an album like this nowadays. It's not at all like the “progressive rock” “co-concept albums” of the past, either. I'm asking you to listen to it, and to receive the almost obsessive feeling inside you. You can't be alone in your thoughts. So, while being swallowed up by the tremendous energy of this album, what remains at the end is somehow a liberating sense of exhilaration. I was amazed that they had managed to get so much out of the album without wasting any of it, and I found myself turning up the volume even more and more. While keeping their minds busy with philosophical ideas, they are different from the introspective and damp mainstream of today's young UK bands.

As this is the first time all three of them have appeared together in an interview, I asked them about their roles in the band: "Dom is the wood, Chris is the oil, and Matt is the spark" and "when the three of us get together we make a huge fire". They have been friends for more than 10 years since junior high school, and there is a chemistry between them that goes beyond that of bandmates. Chris is an early father but a hotshot, and Dom is apparently the wife at Matt's side [1]. The excessive life energy, unique thought process and unbridled creativity of Matt Bellamy is able to continue to flourish without breaking down, thanks to this line-up.

After the interview, I saw the band live at a university hall in Norwich. The performance, which included most of the new album and some of the first numbers, was so strong that it was hard to believe it had only been a week since the start of the tour. The band are extraordinary performers to begin with, but what makes Muse's stage presence shine today is something else than technical conviction. The expression that originally emanated from the enormous mental energy of Matt hits us as a “sound” with powerful physicality. It seems to be visible now. Muse? Well, they're good, but they're a bit…… Even those who had said that were holding their breath at their new live show, their mouths open, and before they knew it, they were transformed into a whirlpool of bodies. Their summer showcase gigs are something to look forward to. In the next issue of this magazine, Matt will talk about each song on the album in more detail!

“At the beginning we were worried, we didn't know what people would think. But now we know that if we play music that we feel is ‘the one’, a lot of people will like it.”

What are your own feelings about the new record, now that it's finally finished? Chris (C): 「Oh, it's good.」 Dominic (D): 「(laughs) Yeah. I think we're all happy with it. It's a very different sound from before and we're happy with our performance. We've tried to do a lot of different things on purpose. Like long numbers and songs without guitars.」 Matt (M): 「A lot of the songs are dynamic, like a combination of several songs. Well, about half of them are hard numbers that are more like our live performances, but the one with John Leckie is longer. I think the bass sound is more prominent this time, after all. The same goes for Dom's drums. I think they're much more pronounced this time than before. I think there's a good balance between the three of us.」 C: 「I think that, unlike before, we've worked on it a lot on tour.」

I think this is one of the biggest albums in recent years. It's a huge leap forward, and it's also full of the feeling that it was so much fun to create the sound in the studio. Everyone: 「(nods their heads vigorously)」 M: 「John Leckie is a guy who really likes to experiment with sound. You can hear all kinds of tinkering with sounds, especially in the songs he produced.」

From the sound of "Plug In Baby" I had a feeling that the sound would be sharper, more solid and more confident, and I was not disappointed. M: 「I think the mix of live instruments and various electronic sounds worked well. But the electronic parts are done on guitar. I had two guitars built that I designed myself. It's a heavy sound, like a synth.’ Plug In’ also has a synth-like sound in the background, but it's played on guitars. One of the guitars has a mess of microphones attached to it. It's a cyber guitar (laughs). You can play it on a plectrum, but if you hit a button or something, it makes a sound.」

You wouldn't break that, would you? M: 「Hahahaha. I won't break it, I promise.」

(laughs). It's a really remarkable improvement, but how is it different from the first album? M: 「The biggest difference is our attitude towards making music. We have confidence in what we're doing, and we're okay with putting it out there for all kinds of people. When we first started out, we were quite anxious and didn't know what people would think. But now we know that if we play the music we think is right, a lot of people will like it. Anyway, it's confidence in every sense of the word. I think we're more open as musicians and songwriters, and I think we've gone a lot deeper than we did on the first album.」

It has a very intricate and complex sound and song structure, was it a difficult record to make? M: 「Not really. For example, on the last album, there were quite a few songs that we recorded once and then re-recorded later and they turned out good, but this time I was satisfied with all the songs after just one recording.」 D: 「It wasn't hard to do. Even before we went into the studio, we knew exactly what we wanted to do.」 M: 「And we rehearsed a lot. We'd done a lot of touring on songs like "Plug In Baby", "New Born" and "Feeling Good", so recording them was a piece of cake, which meant we could spend more time on the other difficult songs. John Leckie came to Devon to watch us rehearse and we discussed which songs to record. We didn't want to waste time in the studio making decisions. So this year we spent three weeks at Real World Studios and a week and a half at Astoria, a floating studio on the Thames. That boat used to belong to Chaplin, and now it belongs to Pink Floyd. And then the last three weeks we went into Abbey Road Studios.」

So was this overwhelming finish something you had in mind from the start? M: 「No, it turned out very different to what I had in mind. I mean, it's hard to predict. Even if you have a direction at the beginning, it changes as the song progresses.」

What are the qualities and contributions of the two producers, Dave Bottrill and John Leckie? M: 「Generally, I don't like producers who meddle in the arrangements. John Leckie is one who never does that. He never tries to change anything, he just lets us do what we want to do. But Dave Bottrill had some input on the arrangements of "New Born" and "Plug In Baby". I never usually accept that, but his advice was very simple and excellent. He's probably the only producer I can trust to give me advice on arrangements. Apart from that, Bottrill is very good at capturing a live sound. So it was perfect for us right after the tour. John Leckie, on the other hand, has a lot of experience in doing a lot of different things. So we could experiment with him. I feel like I can trust his opinion that he's done it this way before, or that it could be better this way. In a nutshell, John Leckie's contribution is a great deal of experience and knowledge. Well, on the last album there was another voice, Paul Reeve, who was a big part of it, he was the engineer and almost co-producer, but I think the tone is more consistent this time. It's basically Leckie and me.」

Was there a particular recording session or song that left the biggest impression on you? M: 「"Megalomania" started out as a quiet song with acoustic guitar and a bit of percussion from Dom, but halfway through it turned into a song with a majestic church organ. Dom was playing very rock drums and Chris was playing a very heavy distorted bass sound, and there was a church organ sound on top of that. It's a powerful mix of very old and new sounds. It's all over the album. On "Screenagers", the bones sound like they're a hundred years old, and then all of a sudden you're surprised by the synth sounds. Almost every song changed a lot during the recording process. We came up with different arrangements and used new instruments. But in general, we made it with the intention of being able to reproduce it live.」 D: 「"Screenagers", by the way, that's a strange atmosphere……」 M: 「It was just the three of us and John Leckie in the studio, and we brought all sorts of stuff in there. Bones, animal claws…」 D: 「Llama toenails and stuff.」 M: 「The four of us would make all sorts of sounds with all these strange objects that we put around the room, and we'd record them first. Then we put the music on top of that in the same room.」

Where did you find all these ‘strange objects’? M: 「Oh, John Leckie has a lot of stuff (laughs). Dom's got a few of them, and I've got a friend who's got a few of those. Most of them are percussion kind of things. Like a bullroarer, a kalimba. Wind chimes and stuff like that. And what else……」 D: 「Bubble wrapping sheets [2]. Thin sticks that make a thunder-like sound. Um……」 M: 「It's a long tube (laughs). It was more to create an atmosphere than a musical instrument. What was it for, let's see…」 D: 「Well, it's more like creating a background.」 M: 「Well, at first I was trying to create a sound like a windy summer day. But then we started going in a weird, dark direction.」 D: 「It was about creating an image of the band being in this kind of place. Like on a porch, or on top of a hill. But it was like we were sitting by the fire. I think the sound of the bubble wrapping sheet is like the sound of sparks bursting out of a fire.」 M: 「If silence is a pure white canvas, this is like painting on a canvas that has something on it beforehand. It's like chaos theory or nonlinear mathematics. It's the initial conditions that make a big difference.」

……Yes. M: 「(laughs) How can fiddling with llama toenails be nonlinear mathematics?」

Anyway, it sounds like it was a fun recording session. D: 「It was very smooth and relaxed.」 M: 「Really? I was stressed all the time.」

Doesn't that mean that Dom is always the relaxed one and Matt is the stressed one? M: 「I think so. I was always worrying about this and that. I was worried and nervous and self-doubting. From start to finish (laughs). Once we'd finished making the album and started touring, that went away. Then little by little, I went into a stress cycle for the next album.」

"We know very little about music before the 90s. There were a lot of bands that made concept albums in the past, but I don't know anything about them."

Hahaha. I don't think there are any bands in the UK today that are willing to take on and stand up for these big themes and concepts. What do you think? M: 「In other words, it's about taking on the responsibility of what you say in your expression and music, right? I think so. Of course, there are lots and lots of bands out there, but amongst the rather well-known UK bands now, there are hardly any that I feel a connection with.」

So, not only is it a concept album that relies on a major theme, but it also has very progressive elements, including themes such as existence and the universe, but despite this it has a strong personality that is not anachronistic or retro. What do you think is the core of this individuality? M: 「Well. I guess we hardly know any music from before the 90s.」 C&D: 「Pfft (laughs).」 M: 「No, no, that's part of it…… There were a lot of bands that made concept albums in the past, but I don't know anything about them. John Leckie often talks about when he worked with Pink Floyd, and when I tell him I don't know any of the songs, he laughs really hard. He always finds it strange. He says we know very little about music that he thinks is compatible with us.」

What do you consider to be the main musical influences of this album? M: 「Yeah, we talked about it a bit the other day, but for me I can see where the influences are coming from. Half of what I listen to is old…… I mean, music from the end of the 19th and the first half of the 20th century, like Rachmaninoff, Debussy, and Chopin. I also listen to a lot of piano music. I've gotten a lot better as a pianist compared to last year. Until last year, I was just okay, and in the first album I could do very simple arpeggios. You know, like "Sunburn". But I practised a lot after that. I listened to and studied a lot of piano music. There is a pianist called Evgeny Kissin who plays very complex music, and I listened to a lot of that. I also listened to a lot of Daft Punk, Yell, the old Aphex Twin, and a little bit of rock, like NIN and Deftones. I think it came from being exposed to both very old music and modern music.」

Are you bored of the guitar? M: 「No, no, no, not at all. I just always wanted to be a very good pianist. It's a difficult instrument.」

You originally played jazz piano first, didn't you? When you were a child. M: 「Yes, but it's only in the last six months or so that I've really been able to play the way I want to play. So the piano isn't a big deal, I only use it on two songs or so. But I think it has a lot of influence on songwriting and arranging, because it's easier to come up with interesting chords when writing songs on the piano than on the guitar. But I prefer to play the guitar in live performances.」

You don't bring a grand piano on stage? M: 「No, no. I'll probably play the piano on one song, but it'll be a small electric piano. I love the grand piano, but only if I go that far (laughs).」

How about you two? What are the musical influences on this album? D: 「That's pretty much it. Rage Against The Machine, NIN, and Deftones are the only rock bands that all three of us listen to. There's something in their music that's different from other American bands.」 M: 「Chris's taste has changed the most so far. He used to be all about heavy music.」 C: 「Now I specialise in "Pet Sounds".」

(laughs). Now, about the title of the album, "Origin of Symmetry." M: 「……Is it really good?」 C: 「Hmm? (laughs)」 M: 「Hey, that doesn't look good. How does it feel? What do you think of this title? What do you think when you hear this phrase?」 C: 「Well…」 D: 「(lost in laughter)」 M: 「I hope it's a title that makes all sorts of people think about all sorts of things. It's something that each person can define in their own way. Even if I don't need to define it myself.」

Please give us your own definition as well. M: 「I think several themes will emerge throughout the album. It's…… Well, how should I put it (laughs)…… Well, first of all, it's about "Space Dementia". Futurism. That word could have been the title of the album. Futurism has nothing to do with the history of art, it's just a kind of idea, but I've recently learned that there's a word for personal fulfilment and the meaning of life being available later on, not now. But in any case, I think it would be a mistake to base the meaning of your life on the knowledge you've acquired so far. I think you should always be open to new ideas. And what "Space Dementia" is talking about is the feeling you get when you realise that we are really, really alone in this universe. Also, it's still about atheism and things like that. Not believing in God, and how to deal with that. Some of the songs really speak directly to God - or at least to God, if there is a God. Why are we here, what is the reason for our existence, and what is the reason for God's existence? Those things pop up every now and then (laughs).」

Why are you so obsessed with religion? Did you used to believe in God overwhelmingly? M: 「No, I think it is difficult to believe in God in today's world. Any religion is a stage in the evolution of a particular nation or civilisation, and now that there is such a global connection, no religion is good enough to be applicable to the whole. So I think that by searching for something that works for the whole planet, maybe we can become one. I think that what we call human consciousness - consciousness - has existed since the beginning of the universe when it exploded. The universe started with ten dimensional space, which was divided into two smaller spaces by the explosion, one of which is the four dimensional space in which we live. And consciousness is the evolution of the so-called material elements to a higher state. I think that in the beginning, the universe was fully conscious. The smallest of these was the atomic nucleus, from which electrons were eventually created, and then atoms, which are a higher level of consciousness, and then groups of atoms create the elements…… and so on, and as the degrees of consciousness increase and the individual things merge, they eventually become one complete consciousness. And eventually the aggregation of the elements made the stars. I think the stars have consciousness and the universe is trying to form a higher dimensional order. All the elements that make up the earth and our physical bodies were once part of a single celestial body. Billions of years ago, it was split into several celestial systems by a supernova. So there was once a time when we were consciously one. Now I think we're struggling to reconstitute it somehow, to get back to our original state. We're trying to reconnect with every single person on the planet and with the universe. That's what I sing about on the album (laughs).[3]」

That was a very obvious answer…… Where did you come up with these themes? M: 「I've always wanted to know about that kind of thing, so I've been doing a lot of research. I feel satisfied and happy when I am researching and searching for something. So my research has shifted from religion to science. But I still don't know if what I just said is really 100% correct (laughs). Anyway, I've been reading a lot of books on philosophy of science.」

Does that come from resistance to the fear, for example, that humanity is infinitely lonely and that there is nothing in a human lifetime that we can believe in? M: 「Yes, that's the struggle. That feeling of loneliness and fear is the negative side of my thinking, whereas the positive side of my thinking is that we are all united on a cosmic level and are somehow moving towards a higher order. But what really frightens me is that the universe is in fact on the verge of decay and death. There are signs that what was once perfect is gradually cooling down as it splits into smaller and smaller pieces. It's called entropy, and it means that the universe will eventually die. This is a frightening thought, because it means that there is no positive reason for being alive. But, you know, that's a negative way of thinking, and there are positive ways of thinking too. The universe, which used to be dead, is becoming more and more vibrant, and different species are emerging. If the temperature of the universe keeps dropping, somewhere you get to the point where life can occur, and right now life is occurring everywhere in the universe, and it may be about to form something completely different from what we have seen before. The songs on this album go back and forth between these two ideas of negative and positive, and hopefully I want to be on the positive side (laughs).」

Is "Plug In Baby" actually a song about that? The NME live review said that the lyrics were "like virtual sex", which made me laugh a little. M: 「Hahaha. That was, well, high energy and a bit …… It might not be easy to get into from the line I just mentioned (laughs). I think it can be read in a lot of different ways. I wrote those lyrics a long time ago, and I can't remember exactly what I was thinking at the time. But in the overall context of the album, it's like I'm singing to a human being who was once thought of as a god, saying I've exposed your lies, that I've seen what's underneath but it's no big surprise, that now is the time for a change, that it's time to cleanse everything away and forget your love. Maybe it's time to abandon the old God and celebrate the latest science and technology, or something like that…… Maybe, like that. Haha.[4]」

Do both Dom and Chris share Matt's developing themes about science and existence? Or is it more a case of leaving it to the megalomaniacal lyricists and not revealing anything? Everyone: 「Pfft, wahahahaha.」 D: 「No, I'm really interested in this stuff too. But Matt reads a lot more mathematical books than I do.」 M: 「We talk about a lot of stuff. I sat down with Chris to talk about the lyrics for this album, and we talked about what we were singing about. But I always tell Dom what books I'm reading and what I'm thinking about. It's not like, "Let's discuss this song" or anything like that (laughs). I think everyone talks about these things in their own way. Some people don't need that many words to express an idea. Some people can sum it up in just one sentence. It just takes me about an hour to say that (laughs)…… Well, I could explain that this song is about my girlfriend and how I was recently dumped, but that wouldn't be funny, would it?」

(laughs). M: 「No, I might get dumped soon.[5]」 D&C: 「Hahahaha……」 M: 「I'm doing this because I think I can explain what is influencing me on a deeper level and making me write music. And I think there are many explanations for one thing. I never know which one is the purely correct explanation.」

The majestic number "Megalomania" at the end of the album was tentatively titled "Paradise" or "Multiple." Is it an inside joke to end the album with a song called Megalomania, which means delusion of grandeur? M: 「……Yes.」

In other words? M: 「Hahaha, well, I mean, it's a really grandiose, almost obsessive obsession to find out the identity of the one who controls everything.」

That's what you have inside you. M: 「To find God. Yeah.」

"When I was 16 or 18, what I wanted to do didn't mesh with anyone around me. My way of doing everything was extreme and insane. I always want to go as far as I can. That's life for me, otherwise what's the point?"

You said you've always thought about the purpose of life and the meaning of existence, when was the first time you thought about that? M: 「Every moment of my life, all the time…… My first memory of my life is a smell. Maybe when I was one or two. The smell of cough medicine spilling on my clothes. But now I think about it, there was me smelling it and there was me looking at it from across the room. I think my whole life has been like that. I think I've been like that my whole life… me looking out from the inside, and me looking at myself from outside, from a distance. Haha…… Any memory I have, there are always two perspectives like that, at the same time.」

You seem mature for your age in terms of what you're thinking and what you're trying to deal with in your music, but do you ever find that you don't talk to young people your own age? M: 「Oh, that. That happens sometimes. I mean, earlier, when I was 16-18, I was very much like that. What I wanted to do didn't really mesh with anyone around me. My way of doing everything was extreme and insane. I always want to go as far as I can. That's life for me, otherwise there's no point. It's a waste of time. But now, I think it's good to talk to other people of my generation. When you talk to people who went to university, they've done so many different things, and there's so much to talk about, it's interesting.」

Do you think there are more or less generational interests and sensitivities, although expressed in different ways? Do you think that themes like the "meaning of existence" that you discuss, which are philosophical and may be considered difficult, resonate with people? M: 「Yes, I think so. When I talk to people I know, I think we're all thinking about the same things. The environment in which we live, the global environment, the relationship between Western society and the third world, and so on. I think overall people are thinking more globally than they used to. ……Probably. Maybe not (laughs).」

Dom has been smiling and listening to what Matt has to say since a while ago, what does he mean to you? D: 「I think he's totally what he says he is. He's constantly raising questions about the world, about people, about society, and this is also like he says himself, sometimes he splits up inside himself without coming to a conclusion.」 M: 「"Origin of Symmetry" is about somehow finding the common thread that runs through all people. And it's hidden in the deepest place, and for me it's music. That's the source of my harmony. Hehehehe.」

So you're saying that music is the anchor that keeps you from constantly treating the world from a split perspective, for better or worse? M: 「Oh, yeah…… Yeah (laughs).」

There are even people who sing songs about the meaning of existence, about emptiness, or about not falling into emptiness, against the walls of their bedrooms. Have you always felt that such a way of expression was not enough for you? If you want to express yourself, it has to be in what could be called "excessive". M: 「Yes. I've thought about it a lot so far, but there are quite a lot of people who don't want to show their inner selves to the fullest. I don't know why. I'm not afraid or ashamed of what's inside me. But I also don't know why I am the way I am. Why do I want to express everything inside and outside of myself so much…… Hehehe……」

What I feel throughout the album here is that the music is like reaching out from the darkness towards a ray of light. D: 「It's good, that’s how it feels.」 M: 「Because I think the darkest moments in life are the moments when you find something truly meaningful.」

I see. I once asked you what hope means to you, do you remember? You said your definition of hope was "a small light above your head at the bottom of a deep, dark well". M: 「Hehehe…… I think so.」

Well, the tour has finally started. Do you feel that with this magnificent new album, Muse have entered a whole new chapter? M: 「Yeah, yeah. I feel that way lately. Everything is progressing at a good pace. Unlike last time, the artwork is progressing well. We're going to use several artists' interpretations of the phrase “seeking harmony in chaos”. One of them will be used as the front cover, and each page will be decorated with a different picture. Each one looks completely different, some artists draw pictures, some sculptures, and some internet art. They are all very good, and I think you can find something in common through all of them. I think it's the same with the songs on the album. I'm trying to find a balance amongst all the noise. I'm trying to find harmony and reason in the seemingly chaotic. I want life to be like that for me. It can be explained in many ways, but there is definitely something at the core. We humans are all like that after all, so I think we should think more about that kind of thing that we all share.」

By the way, there were some people who said that the original cover of "Plug In Baby" was "bad" and "I don't like it" (laughs), so a different design was used for the Japanese version, but what was the mindset behind the design of the cover? M: 「Aliens are something that people came up with when they wanted to escape from loneliness and thought that they exist somewhere in the universe, right? And, this is completely unrelated to this story, haha, but there's another background to it. I had a series of hallucinatory dreams for a while. It sounds like a bad thing to say, but…… When I was in America, I was drinking a lot every night and I always had a headache during the day. I didn't mean to drink that much, but at one point, when I woke up every morning, I thought that I had the same strange dream. I was in a desert-like place where the ground was dry and cracked, the sky was blue and the sun was so bright, and the horizon was so flat and endless that there was no way to escape. There I'm being chased by sharp blades and I'm desperately trying to escape. There are many, many blades flying around in the air, and I try to run and avoid getting hit, but sometimes I get hit. And they pierced me. BBut they didn't cut my body, they just went into a certain part of my brain. Every morning when I wake up, that spot hurts. I can still tell that this spot hurt. And I started to get really worried. I thought there must be something wrong with me.」

In the brain? M: 「Yes. (laughs) Or maybe not…… I saw a film called Communion, which is a very good film, and it was based on a novel, and it was basically about people who were abducted by aliens. It's about how people create that experience within themselves. Especially during creative brainstorming. The film is about a writer who, while writing a new book, falls into a slump and can't write anything. He gets abducted by aliens, but it's actually all in his imagination. But he wakes up every morning with a severe pain in one spot on his head. The alien comes with a sharp blade and drills a hole in his head. It's different from my hallucination I had, but I felt like there was something in common. So the alien picture on the cover was partly influenced by that film. And the contents of the album are also somehow connected. But I think my headache was just because I was dehydrated (laughs). And it went away when I started drinking water.」

Right. But what do you do? What if you were actually being abducted by aliens every night? M: 「Eh…… Heeheeheehee.」

Translator's Note: So many things to say.

[1] Every time I question how and when Belldom came into existence, wondering if this was just something that early Muse fans cooked up for fun, I get reminded that the dynamics of their friendship was already THAT obvious early on and it was even noticed by the Japanese journalists who have interviewed them.

[2] The word that was actually written was puchi-puchi (ぷちぷち) wrapping sheet. If you know what popping bubble wrap sounds like, then that’s what was described.

[3] I’m impressed that the journalist managed to understand the whole thing that Matt was rambling on about to keep up with him, on top of the translator who later had to translate the transcript from English to Japanese. Kudos to them, honestly.

[4] Yes, that is literally Matt describing “Plug In Baby”… word-to-word from the actual lyrics itself. I just edited the part to make sure that it does read as close to the lyrics as possible.

[5] I’ve checked on Musewiki, and I think this Rockin’On interview might be the earliest mention of Matt talking about his and Tanya’s relationship breaking down. Especially given that the interview occurred in early April, right before their live gig at University of East Anglia in Norwich (April 9th, 2001) that the journalist attended as well. So it’s a period of time where they were already separated, but you can see that Matt was going through a hard time accepting it.

That's all to say. Please do support me with my Ko-fi! ☕

[paracosmicparadox]

So, I'm falling back into the FFXV kick, and I have decided that I disapprove of how little complex character development Square Enix has given the guys?? Like where is the emotional depth beyond surface-level cutscene angst?? So I took matters into my own hands and have compiled a handy little list of headcanons / expanded canons that I think make sense.

Noctis: Has clinical insomnia and frequent lucid dreams (sorta a given, but bear w me bear w me)

Feels the weight of having to take so much on from such a young age much, much more than he lets on

Loves to argue

Would've been happier if he and Luna stayed as childhood best-buds rather than betrothed fiancés (controversial, ik, but it just didn't seem like he cared that much for her romantically to me?? Like he obviously cared about her, but it seemed like a really strong penpal vibe rather than a "We're-gonna-get-married-and-be-the-next-hotshot-couple" vibe. If you disagree, coolio, I'm not gonna debate w you on this one)

Has a natural sadness to his eyes regardless of what he's feeling

Went through an anime phase (possibly still in his anime phase, idk)

Social anxiety for the win

Severe RBF

Prefers tea over coffee (black tea is best---particularly lavender earl grey)

Can play the cello (practicing tho?? Don't know her)

Writes the most beautiful poetry when The Motivation™ strikes him (usually when he's home sick and half-delirious)

Prompto: Has ADHD and clinical anxiety, but is undiagnosed and doesn't take any meds for either of them.

Is legit like SO SMART, but can never focus, so not many people take any notice

Wears contact lenses (he had glasses as a child and I refuse to believe he had some high-tech corrective surgery to eliminate the need for them when lenses are cheaper and less risky)

Doesn't drink caffeine because it makes him jittery

Doesn't drive the Regalia when the guys are around because having other people in the car distracts him from the road. Also he tends to drive like a speed demon, which worries Ignis to no end.

Sunburns insanely easily

Could legit become a hitman if he wanted to with the amount of gun-knowledge he has. It doesn't matter what firearm you put in this boy's hand---pistol, SMG, sniper, rocket launcher, you name it. He can and will hit the target every single time.

Addicted to adrenaline

Pansexual

Has a lot of self-loathing (we see a bit of this in Ep. Prompto) and talks with an online therapist about it via text whenever his lows hit him. He's making great progress in learning how to heal and how to accept himself for who he is beyond the mask he wears for others

Ignis: More than a little bit of a control freak, and works very hard not to be too overbearing or critical about his friends' misgivings

Hypochondriac

Wants to protect everyone all the time and mentally kicks himself when he doesn't get there fast enough

Is SO PROUD of Noctis's journey and felt a stronger hatred towards Ardyn than anyone else in the group for what he forced Noct to go through (he stayed up at night sick to his stomach with hollow rage and baked nonstop to take his mind off of it)

Can verbally obliterate a man, but only rarely chooses to do so bc he's classy like that

After losing his eyes, he notices so much more beauty in the world than he used to (the sound of rain on the Regalia's roof, the specific gait of each of his friends, the smell of salt on the wind in Galdin Quay, the flawless feel of one specific silk tie he has in his repertoire, etc)

His internal compass is never wrong

Regularly takes antacids for his stomach

Has the straightest teeth you've ever seen

Demiromantic

Gladio: Hates being wrong: it's his way or the highway

Actually so much smarter than the musclehead jock front he puts up

A little vain and easily jealous (this man has a Jealous Face like no other)

Thunderstorms are his favorite; his ideal place to be is at a campsite, during a storm, with a well-worn book and a mug of Irish coffee in hand

Would throw himself in front of a bus for any one of his friends

Would beat up kids for the folks he cared about in middle school and spent the time he wasn't training to be a Crownsguard sitting in detention with the most unrepentant, smug, and-I'd-do-it-again look scrawled across his face

Can make a better smoothie than anyone (except maybe Iggy)

Spotify junkie

Had a dinosaur phase as a kid and can still name random facts about them whenever the opportunity presents itself

Avid technology-hater and only has a phone to make calls and join the others in playing King's Knight since they begged him so profoundly (he's sure the thing's going to be his downfall)

Gets most of Prompto's pop culture references

[ikamigami]

What happened to Moon's therapy with Earth where she told him to re-establish the bond he had with Sun and Moon agreeing to it? Like Moon, where is the progress in that? Hello??? I get it, Moon and Solar has a lot in common (and that's one of the reasons people ship them together but I digress) but like Sun is his brother. The one who has been there from the start, Old Moon, to now, New Moon. I get it, Moon wants to protect his family that's why he is always keeping things from them but as Earth said before, Sun wants to protect him and everyone else too. Please, I'm so tired of the Solar and Moon show episodes...

Thank you for asking this question, anon!

I hope that you don't mind that I'll use your ask to address the elephant in the room.. which is why Moon is keeping things from Sun once again?

The one conversation I had with my friend on Discord.. reminded me that I saw the shift in how Moon acts towards Sun.. and that it all started when Moon went to Evil Sun's dimension.

I realised that from that moment Moon stopped informing Sun about things and started distancing himself from Sun...

It's also that from that moment Moon started to tease Sun again. First it was Sun turning into a dragon but later Moon started teasing Sun about "the crush he has on Roxanne"...

Moon also stopped calling Sun brother.. and when you remember that Evil Sun told Moon that Sun and Moon being brothers is rare.. things start to make sense...

I thought that showrunners run out of ideas to give us the plot of "past repeats once again" and started using jokes about Sun having crush on Roxanne to fans' annoyance.. but if we take Moon's visit in Evil Sun's dimension into consideration then it all makes sense...

Moon is paranoid and I'm afraid that he's scared that Sun may start acting like Evil Sun.. and he's scared that maybe his brotherhood with Sun isn't that.. deep...

It explains why Moon started distancing himself from Sun and why he started teasing Sun.. it's because Moon sees Sun as his brother and he cares about Sun deeply.. but he's scared of these doubts that appeared in him since the talk with Evil Sun and he tries to be casual about it and that's why he started acting like that towards Sun..

I think that Moon didn't lie to Earth that he trusts Sun with his own life.. but I think that Moon is doubting that trust and he's scared of it.

It's the same thing when you starts to distrust your own family due to how paranoid you are and ofc Moon is scared of it.. Who wouldn't be scared?

But Moon should talk about it with Sun.. Sun needs to know why Moon is distancing himself.. why Moon is pushing Sun away...

Because if Moon won't talk with Sun soon.. something terrible will happen and Moon will regret running away from this issue forever...

Moon doesn't realise how much it is affecting Sun.. how much Sun is suffering because of Moon's decision...

Earth sees that something is off with Sun and she sees that Moon distanced himself from Sun that's why she both tried to reassure Sun that he can talk to her about whatever is bothering him and tried to push Moon to reconnect with Sun...

And like I said Sun is lying that everything is fine and he's in his best mental state.. it's a lie.

He's suicidal and Moon's decision to push Sun away makes Sun feel like he's unneeded and it's pushing him more and more on the edge...

Something tragic will happen.. and I can see it happening in three ways (actually two but.. I'll give three options just because):

Sun will try to sacrifice himself by going after Eclipse or creator - it happened once already so I'd love if showrunners wouldn't do that with Sun again...

BM will attack Sun and Sun will give up - it's very likely to happen.. it was established more than once that BM wants to kill Sun and Sun giving up was hinted in episode when Sun and Moon played Joyville.. Moon said that Sun will give up in life or death situation one day...

Sun will try to kill himself by overusing star's power either on himself or maybe on the voodoo doll - the possibilty is high because Castor reminded Sun twice to not use star's power, Sun throat was hurt similarly to Lunar's and Lunar's throat was hurt due to overusage of their powers.. The thing with voodoo doll is more unlikely to happen...

I think that Earth would push Moon even more to talk to Sun.. bit she's busy dealing with that whole creator situation and it's a big deal for her so I can't blame her for not thinking about Sun and Moon's situation at the moment...

Moon on the other hand is once again prioritizing wrong thing.. He's taking care of Eclipse's situation.. but the thing is Eclipse isn't a threat... He didn't do anything. The only thing that Eclipse is trying to do for now is to find out who brought him back. In other words Eclipse is busy with his own issues...

Moon should talk to Sun. It's more important than Eclipse's or Ruin's situation...

It's not that surprising that Solar doesn't see the issue with the way Moon is distancing himself from Sun.. because Solar doesn't understand how it is affecting Sun and why it is bad for Sun's mental state.. It's because Solar is poorly managing his own feelings and emotions... That's why he doesn't see that there's a problem and that something tragic will happen really soon...

So it seems that I was right and show is really going with Sun is suicidal plot and that's good because it shows us that the story is consistent and that showrunners aren't giving up on some parts of a plot like some of us had thought.

Unfortunately we're heading into one of the most angsty story plots in the show and we need to prepare for it.. At least I'm sure (or I hope so) that Sun won't succeed and he'll only end up in a coma or something similar...

I hope that the answer satisfies you, anon 🙇‍♀️

[ms-all-sunday]

w7 robin is creepy. most creepy thing about her is how she refuses to react to any of it. like the most creepy reveal ive ever seen in anything is that robin doesnt even need to be put in seastone handcuffs to listen to the government. shes either completely nonreacting in a way that makes you feel intensely uncomfortable or reacting like she's seen a monster right in front of her that you cant see but shes convinced is there.

when i call robin creepy in water 7 im doing it with the knowledge shes coming off as creepy because she has personality disorders and ptsd, and shes in a triggering situation for her that is partially her fault and partially the governments, (like i genuinely think w7 is the best possible representation of being triggered ive ever seen, i really do fucking intensely relate to robin.)

i think the reason i feel so comfortable in calling her creepy on this blog despite the fact i have never been comfortable doing so in reference to any other character with that level of trauma is that the reason she's creepy in water 7 is not from a point of alienation?

i always used to think "having a mentally ill person be bad means they get nagito komaedaed" and what i meant by that is they get alienated from the narrative. its a thought i had specifically after seeing persona 5s akechi play out (that game should on paper be way more sympathetic and not alienating towards akechi than it is) and it was the best representation ive seen of someone being bad and mentally ill that i had seen up until that point, but he still gets nagito komaedaed.

as in, i feel he gets alienated from the audiences perspective and you are supposed to view him as a horror monster rather than a character. akechi is kind of like progressive nagito komaeda.

so when i call robin creepy, i mean that in the sense i don't think her perspective gets alienated from the audience. (in the nagito komaeda way) i think you're supposed to always view her as a friend and someone close to you. which i think is where the good horror comes from in regards to how she acts in water 7. you fundamentally couldn't have the horror of her situation impact you as much as it does in w7, without the understanding extended to her.

the story water 7 is about a lot of things, but most of them can be captured in "when mentally ill people do bad things because they're mentally ill" and i struggle really bad when i'm perceived as creepy or monstrous because of how i act in regards to my mental illness, being able to conceptualize someone seeing me as creepy even when they love me and are close to me or even because of it helps with that a lot. and there's naunce to it too, because in canon robin also has people perceiving her as a literal demon child and that from other people is coming from a horrible place.

this also leads me into how great of a title "demon child" is for her, because she allows herself to be defined by that trauma for the majority of her life and the title reflects that. both how she lets other people define her by it and herself.

[chameleonspell]

HTDC commentary - 11: books & 12: silence

[Looking back at HTDC after nearly ten years: comments on lore, character notes, influences, art, whatever. May contain spoilers for later chapters.]

chapter text: 11: books & 12: silence

In which Iriel tries to read various different books in peace, without much success.

He’d been dreaming [...] Reu had appeared to rescue him, begging his forgiveness, and pledging eternal love.

Iriel's dream (and his reaction to it) is just a lyrical echo of "I Don't Believe You" by the Magnetic Fields, a song which reflects Iriel's view of Reuben in particular, and people loving him in general. Sounds fake.

I had a dream, and you were in it The blue of your eyes was infinite You seemed to be In love with me Which isn't very realistic.

The Balmora guild was really starting to wear on his nerves. Everyone was feuding with everyone else, and trying to make him take sides.

Ire knows he should make an effort to progress within the Balmora Mages Guild, but in his defence, everything about it is petty and ridiculous. And the apprentices really do sleep packed into bunk beds with no privacy, not even properly screened off from the main chamber! Barbaric.

He arranged his texts on a table: Chronicles of Nchuleft, The Ruins of Kemel-Ze, Nchunak’s Fire and Faith. Either his brain was damaged by the sugar, or none of them contained any particularly devastating insights.

Morrowind has hundreds of readable in-game books, and I'm obsessed with them. Of course I was going to let Iriel read some of them, and have opinions.

Fire and Faith is summarised, rather than fully written, but is allegedly a translated autobiography of a Dwemer evangelist of Kagrenac's theories. We don't get any actual theories of Kagrenac in the short summary, but presumably Iriel could have gleaned some from reading the full text. Since we find out later that the Dwemer language is currently unknown and untranslatable, who is supposed to have translated this book, and when? I have questions.

Chronicles of Nchuleft is a history, and we're given an extract concerning a rivalry between two Dwemeri Councilors. It depicts Dwemer getting very drunk and emotional over silly disputes, and was thought to have been written by an Altmer, as it's in Aldmeris. So, who knows where the writer was getting their information from, or how accurate it is! Were they translating from Dwemeris (how? when? the history is of events in the Merithic era!), or just making things up?

The trouble with these questions is that it's totally possible there are coherent answers to them that make sense within the historical setting! Lots of Morrowind books have unreliable authors, bias, translation issues, and we know there are "fake" Dwemer stories, eg those by "Marobar Sul". But it's equally possible that whoever was writing a particular in-game books made a mistake, because when you have a lot of writers and really complicated lore, that's gonna happen, too.

Of the three, Ruins of Kemel-Ze is the only one with a full ingame text, so of course, it's the furthest thing from an actual Dwemeri author, being an account of an expedition into a Dwemer ruin by an Imperial looter

archaeologist. Interesting stuff about the ruins, though.

Being relatively common texts, it's a bit optimistic of Iriel to think he's going to find the secret of the Dwemer's disappearance in these books, but at least he's getting a grounding in the field.

Ire understood the principles of Destruction spells. He had successfully conjured various elements under laboratory conditions, with accuracy, if not intensity.

Magic, as a metaphor, is about how a character is affecting the world. And being a mental discipline, it's very easy for it also to become a psychological examination of how that character feels capable of affecting the world. The sort of power they believe they have, and the source of that power.

Different cultures in Tamriel would probably have different opinions about the source of magical power. Some people might see it as a pure expression of emotion, or willpower. I think for Altmer though, it would be purely intellectual, rather than emotional. Spells are almost like algorithms, complex, but possible to understand, break down and reassemble, to target an application of magic extremely precisely. Perhaps they can be expressed numerically - perhaos this is why other races think of the Altmer as being obsessed with numbers.

(The Dwemer were very mathematical, too, and the Dwemer word for "power" literally translates as "mathematics". They were also often implied to be emotionless, and fixated on logic. Vivec says that love was "an emotion the Dwemer knew nothing about".)

Iriel finds some spell schools easier than others. This shouldn't really happen, according to Altmeri philosophy, because it's all the same underlying principle: a conversion of power, according to rules. Emotion and context shouldn't come into it. But we know Ire's terrible at healing, and apparently Destruction spells are also difficult.

It's easy to understand why Destruction spells might be scary, though - that's for hurting people! Setting things on fire! It's not just theory, it has consequences, possibly bad ones! If magic is about the sort of change you want to exert on the world, then Iriel not wanting to exert chaotic, irreversible damage on the world makes sense. Who would trust themselves, like that?

What's wrong with healing, though?

And... what about Ire's personal specialty, what does that imply about the sort of change he wants to exert? As an illusionist, is Iriel even changing the world at all? He had failed to decipher it several times, and was now trying to forget about it.

Having already successfully managed to forget what he was supposed to do with it. Anyway, he should really give it to Sottilde to decipher, she's the code expert. But I don't think he knows that about her, yet, and by the time he does, it's too late.

Sister Llathyno came bounding down a corridor at an alarming speed for her age, grey robe rasping against her skinny limbs. “Almsivi in every hour, my child!

Sister Llathyno is a one-joke character, and that joke is having her speak almost entirely in maxims from The Book of Dawn and Dusk. I am very easily entertained.

“I didn’t say I didn’t like them, just not necessarily in a theological sense. I mean… the one with Molag Bal and the, uh… biting. Are you sure it’s a religious text?”

She fixed him with an absolutely immobile stare. “Rumours flow from the House of Troubles, sinner. Sermon Fourteen depicts the Pomegranate Banquet, a powerful and thought-provoking allegory about the dangers to the Dunmer people.”

See, the terrible thing is that she's right. But Iriel is also right that it's about a big, Daedric cocksucking party. Sermon 14 is a lot of things, all at once. This is why I love the 36 Lessons - it's nonsense... till it's porn... till it's a reinterpretation of trauma... till... ah, shit! It's a spiritually significant religious text that's deeply expressive of Dunmer relationships with the Daedra and how Vivec obtained power from them!

Iriel is not yet on Llathyno's level, however, and the Pomegranate Banquet appeals for what she considers to be the wrong reasons. "Appeals for the wrong reasons" is going to constitute a lot of Ire's relationship to the Sermons, honestly. I may not approve of Llathyno's judgemental angle on it, but Iriel is rather missing the point. (I could say missing the wood for the trees, but missing the wood is the one thing he isn't doing.)

“Gather no seed in the fields of Hell! Fate, monstrous and empty, the whirling wheel of evil! Consider your end, mortal! How black my heart, roasting fiercely!?”

Which doesn't go down well. Iriel is encountering the great contradiction of Dunmeri religion: Vivec's writings vs. official Temple dogma. The first of these is mercurial, iconoclastic, homoerotic, cryptic, a treatise in radical ambiguity, of being "the letter written in uncertainty". The second is conservative, dogmatic, authoritarian, censorious, concerned with avoiding sin and blindly following the rules. How does anyone rationalise this? Ire doesn't really get it, but he also doesn't really care, at this point.

I do wonder what exactly the Temple mean, when they use terms like "Hell" and "sin", though. It's repeated and deliberate enough that it can't just be a rogue writer imposing an inappropriately Christian view, surely? "Hell(s)" sometimes refers to the Daedric realms, so that seems possible. And maybe "sin" is just whatever the Tribunal disapprove of. In their followers, at any rate.

In Sermon 14, after the spear biting, Vivec writes: "This has since become a forbidden ritual, though people still practice it in secret." Is that a condemnation, or not? Combined with Llathyno's reaction, Iriel takes it to mean the Dunmer's gods are hypocrites, forbidding their followers from homosexual acts that they themselves engage in. Theologically speaking, I think it's more complicated than that, but I also think a lot of regular clergy like Sister Llathyno use it as an excuse for homophobic condemnation.

Edwinna had noticed his affinity for illusion spells, and decided to make use of them to “borrow” a book from a colleague in Vivec.

More books. Stolen ones, this time. Iriel didn't need to join the Thieves' Guild to get assigned thieves' jobs, mages are just as happy to disregard the sanctity of personal property. Which includes Iriel, since the minute he gets the book, he decides to run off with it himself, instead of giving to to Edwinna.

he had cast Silence on himself.

Next chapter, and Iriel's using another illusion spell, though this one isn't usually self-targeted. Silence is used in battle, to prevent an enemy from casting spells (so presumably, Ire would have to let it lapse before recasting it, each time?). We know from the ingame skillbook, "Silence", that it works by removing sound, though, so it can also be used as personal earplugs. In the book, the great illusion master, Erer Darothril, teaches a warrior how to use the spell:

"He explained what it truly meant to bend sound, creating a cone of silence as glass can bend light. He had Silverthorn close his eyes while he tapped the side of his glass, making him picture the sound as the physical entity it was, before it was extinguished."

The warrior then uses it to defeat a mage, who is rendered helpless without his voice. So... it's not enough to speak the magic words, you also have to hear yourself say them? OK, but... in TES games, the player's spells don't seem to have a verbal component. Is that just a limitation of the player-voice lines, are we supposed to think using the voice is required for all spellcasting? I can't remember if casting a spell breaks Invisibility, in Morrowind. I might have written myself into a plot hole, here, because I think Iriel sometimes casts via hand positions and mental discipline/willpower, not always words. Curses, this what I get for close-reading my own work! Iriel casting chameleon spells silently and automatically when stressed isn't a plot hole, though. He's allowed to do that, because it's supposed to be Weird.

He had greasy black hair to his strangely-embroidered collar, and prominent eyebrows, which he was using to punctuate his enthusiastic monologue.

It's him. The Ashlander. This isn't where you meet him in the mod, though. I changed a lot of things - not about the character (though I did adjust his speech register to be on the more casual side, so his voice would be more strongly distinct from Ire's) but a lot of technical and practical aspects of mod, and also things that... eh, fuck it. I wasn't going to state this openly, but we're on tumblr in 2024, underneath a readmore, and I'm sure all of the three people reading this either already know or couldn't care less, so I might as well go ahead and talk about it - that's my mod, I wrote it. So, yes, Julan's my character, but the reason I didn't mention that here, is that he isn't just mine. As a character I made to be part of other people's games and stories, I consider him theirs, too. He's public property, at this point, the Vvardenfell bike, if you will. I didn't want anyone to think HTDC was in any way canon for him, or more canon than anyone else's story. Because it's very much not. I changed things, I intensified things, and I made some things a lot worse, in ways I wouldn't ever have done, in the mod. Sometimes, I tried out alternative plot options, to see if they worked better - the original mod was released in 2006, so obviously there are things I'm not happy with, and some are a lot easier to fix in text than in code.

Above all, in a fic, I had the freedom to write Julan reacting to a specific main character, and write that relationship very deeply, which you don't get to do in a mod. There, you never know very much about who the player character is, so all dialogue ends up being restricted by that. But I didn't want to upset anyone who felt HTDC disagreed with their idea of Julan in their own game, so I wrote it under an alias. Because it really is just another player's fanfic possibility, it's not any more significant than any other interpretation of the character! Julan was always intended as a very psychologically malleable character, who reacts to and moulds himself to whoever he's travelling with. This is just one possibility.

Anyway, if you're here reading this, I'll tell you this stuff because I'm happy you're interested enough to read my commentary, and I want to talk about things I reworked from the mod, but I still don't really want tarhiel=kateri to be public record! This is just between us, okay? Open, kinda obvious (not like I ever tried to disguise my posting style), secret, but still secret. Sshhhh!

At one point, I considered writing HTDC as a full dual-protagonist thing, with Julan chapters. But only very briefly, because it was clear it would be a lot stronger and more cohesive, if I focused on Iriel. Still, it would have been interesting to follow Julan's movements, during the weeks before he ended up at Ghostgate, because they were, to put it bluntly, wildly unhinged. Which is hardly surprising, given the way he left the Grazelands, in a storm of arguments with no supplies and barely any equipment. He'd never been far from home before, had no map or directions, and it's a wonder he survived long enough to get to Ald'ruhn. By the time he's there, when Iriel encounters him in this chapter, some part of his brain has realised he's fucked up, but he can't face going back, either. So, in lieu of an actual plan, he is DRINKING.

“No, no, you have to hear it, it’s great! Let me start again. It’s really good, you’ll see. Hang on, I need to do the serious bit first. Serious. OK. Serious now. Right. Starting again… now!”

Julan sketch by @sanguith, looking suitably animated.

And because Julan gets really extroverted and manic when he's drunk - and he spends this entire scene incredibly drunk - he comes off as lighthearted comic relief, and honestly, like a totally different character to the one Iriel meets later, at Ghostgate. Which is probably a silly thing to do, for a character introduction scene. But I did it anyway, because a.) I think it's a sad kind of funny, even if the reasons aren't clear until later, and b.) drunk!Julan is, in some ways, a more accurate characterisation of who Julan really is, under all the stress, guilt, anger issues and paranoia he's drowning in, when sober. Which, y'know... would be part of why he drinks.

“You’re not aware of it, but right at this very moment, an Ashlander child is dying.

Probably some people are too young or online to remember the charity donation adverts that used to be on TV, with a very serious man doing a very serious and guilt-inducing speech over footage of babies with flies crawling on them, but they were all like this.

“HEY.” A warning finger was waved, unsteadily under his nose. “Don’ you dare tell me I don’ care about my people. I care about them, and, I also care about drinks. D'you see any reason it can’t be both? Do you, n'wah?”

In Julan's drunken head, this whole strategy made sense, and wasn't insincere bullshit. Because he does care! And yes, his whole Ashlander speech is kind of ridiculous and played for laughs, but everything he says is also true. He's ridiculous, but he's still right! He can be both, ok, n'wah?

“Well, I was just wondering… what’re you reading, there?”

Unfortunately for Iriel, he is currently presenting an irresistible target to Julan, since he completes the cheap temporary rebellion trifecta: books, booze and boys. And while Julan's not flirting or even consciously aware of any attraction, he's definitely all about the distraction of temporary rebellions, right now.

“Go get a drink and stop bothering me!”

Iriel could not be less interested, even (especially) if there had been flirting involved. His experiences with Dunmer men have been deeply negative, and this particular one, while not actively antagonistic, is being nothing but annoying. He's not Ire's physical type, or at least, he's a type that Ire conflates with Altmeri stereotypes about "bad" foreign men, the swarthy villains in cheap, racist novels. Iriel critiques these depictions, but still doesn't think of himself as being "into that", tending to prefer a more clean-cut, good-noble-boy aesthetic. And this is all on top of the fact Julan's spent weeks sleeping rough, and days throwing up mazte behind Ald'ruhn taverns.

Ire realigned his papers, opened the book and tried to find his place. “A Dwemer of eight can create a golem, but an eight of Dwemer can become one.”

Chimarvamidium is a story about a Dwemer tricking the Chimer by pretending to be an automaton, or golem, and it's said to be an authentically Dwemer story. The line Iriel quotes is a literal translation of one line, and the odd phrasing makes him wonder if it's significant.

“This was the number of bottles I could get for all the gold you gave me!”

It's simple maths, Iriel, aren't you supposed to be the educated one?

The Dunmer looked nonplussed. “We’re in a bar,” he said. “Anyway, four’s lots, so I thought I’d share them with you!”

You exchange all the gold for all the beer, what's not clicking? I love drunk!Julan logic. Especially that he ended up with too many beers for him to keep track of all at once.

Julan, crying over his multiple beers.

“…there is a suggestion that the Dwemer race as a whole had some sort of silent and magickal communication. [...]

"I don’ see how that could have anything to do with it,” the Dunmer was saying, “I mean, some of our wise women can do that too, but it wouldn’t help them make everyone vanish!

The reason I had Julan make this remark is that I was laying groundwork for his mother making a telepathy ring, later on. But I ended up throwing out that part of the mod, by the time I got there. The telepathy ring only exists as a necessary companion-control gameplay device, and from a plot/lore point of view, it's silly. No overpowered magical artifacts, we talk to each other like men! (wait. shit.)

Anyway, I didn't edit the line out, later, because even without the ring, it works. Telling Julan that she had telepathic powers is absolutely something Mashti would do, come on. She's not stupid enough to claim she can read his mind all the time, because that's easily disproven, but seeding the idea that maybe she COULD, y'know, SOMETIMES get into his head, if she really, really wanted to? He can't rule it out completely.

Ten minutes after that, he was yelling at a young couple

Iriel's two social modes get even more magnified, when he's drunk. He's either totally zoned out and falling asleep, or he's incredibly loud and zero-filter. It's 50-50 which mode he gets, so he doesn't usually drink much, because neither mode produces positive results. Today, he's in loud mode.

(I must have had some kind of mod that added a drunken visual effect, because I have all these screenshots of Ald'ruhn looking really blurry, like this one from on top of the Skar.)

“You can’t lie down, you’re in the street!” “Sssss fine. Jusss leave me.”

This particular drunken behaviour is taken from an ex who used to do this to me, and it is so annoying. Iriel doesn't know how lucky he is to have feather spells.

His gaze fell on the Dunmer, who, in sleep, looked far younger than he had before. What was he doing here, apparently alone and penniless?

Even through his own self-absorption and Julan's affable, drunken nonchalance, Iriel still picks up the sense that something is really not right with this boy.

Seconds later, he crept back in, left 50 gold on the bedside table

Enough to provoke some charity on his part, if only to assuage the guilt of not hanging around to find out what the actual problem is. I can't really blame him for that one, though, he's got enough problems of his own.

next: 13: legs & 14: plan & 15: claws & 16: door previous: 9: sanctuary & 10: outside

[sea-owl]

in the same vein of her knowing something only haruka knows, sakura regularly brings up clan secrets without realizing and freaks everyone out lmao

Not only does Sakura bring up clan secrets but she also brings up village secrets that are part of the foundation to the village. As the wives of the founders Haruka and Mito defiantly knew some secrets.

Imagine in like a non massacre au baby genin Sakura just being the one who casually says this stuff but she doesn't know what she says are clan secrets or village secrets. Haruka is not gonna tell her those are secrets because she likes watching the chaos and Shachi secretly likes watching it as well. Sakura's not dumb either, she catches on at some point that maybe some of the things she knows she probably shouldn't. But hey she's having fun. Free entertainment is free entertainment they're not gonna be picky.

Meanwhile all these adults are trying to figure out how this civilian born girl knows all of this?! Sakura's had anbu stalk her, she's had Uchiha police stalk her, they even had Kakashi and Sasuke try to pry where she was getting this information from. But they come back with nothing. And Sakura doesn't know how to explain that she can speak with her past lives in her head and one of them just so happens to know all this.

Things come to head during the fight with Ino during the chunin exams.

So in my mind the Haruno thing with being able to communicate and interact with their past lives has always meant to be a defense mechanism against genjutsu and mental attacks like the Yamanaka's mind transfer jutsu. But because they are a civilian clan they never fully unlocked their chakra the way ninjas do so it never progressed to that point. Haruka, while never officially becoming a ninja, partially unlocked her chakra to the point she was able to perform some jutsus but mostly infused her chakra into her teas and poisons. This allowed her to look into Shachi's memories and made it harder to put her under a genjutsu. Sakura has fully unlocked her chakra so as she advances it brings up more of the defensive side to it.

When Ino put Sakura under the mind transfer jutsu the defensive side kicked into high gear. Sakura broke the jutsu but the second spirit that pushed Ino out was Haruka while Shachi checked over Sakura's psyche. That's when something weird happened.

A ghostly form came out of Sakura as if chasing Ino back to her body and that ghost actually pinned Ino to the floor. The ghost was a woman who wore a mask and had pink hair. Holding her updo in place is a hair piece that looked suspiciously like the Uchiha fan. If one were to try and sense chakra from her they would feel her's and Sakura's.

Sakura recognized Haruka right away, but she was confused how she was seeing her. Haruka was also confused by her surroundings. The match was called with Sakura as the winner since Haruka still had Ino pinned to the floor and then Sakura was swept away by Kakashi with Haruka following behind. She didn't trust any of these fuckers with her reincarnation. And what were they gonna do tell her no? Yeah right.

They were brought into a separate room where they joined by Fugaku not long after. This girl just broke one of the Yamanka's mind jutsus. already they don't want to bring in another one just yet. Too much mystery was surrounding this girl they needed to find out what was going on. Haruka does one of her favorite things and starts arguing with the Uchiha. Whoever this woman was she knows the old laws too well, and Fugaku really wanted to know why she wore the Uchiha fan in her hair.

"Don't worry Sakura they can't touch you. You did nothing wrong," Haruka reassures her reincarnation. She points at Fugaku. "Besides that one is more chomping at the bit to figure out why I'm wearing his clan symbol."

Sakura looked confused. "Wasn't that a wedding gift?"

Haruka's posture turned bored. "Yep, my husband Madara Uchiha gifted me this." She turned back towards Fugaku. She points to him and then back to herself. "Clan Head, former Clan Lady."

Well at least Fugaku now knew where Sakura learned all those clan secrets.

[carlosoliveiras-wife]

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ hola, qué pasa. i’m chloë [she/her], biromantic[?]/ace-spectrum hispanic [white/mex] ladee who enjoys masc titles. here’s my main selfship carrd [still in progress]. here’s my general f/o list. here's my fandom ref drive. please like this post once read!

the guys shown above are My Darlin's, my main F/Os that I have super bad brainrot about and who are just part of my main squad but with a fancier label. rubs eyes. in order, they are...

Carlos Oliveira; Resident Evil 3 [Remake]

Pavia; Reverse: 1999

Miguel O'Hara; Specifically ATSV's Version*

Charles Smith; Red Dead Redemption 2

Lúcio Correia dos Santos; Overwatch

Lee; Arknights

Rei Sakuma; Ensemble Stars!!

the asterisk is that i largely use comic lore in reference to Miguel. in case that needed to be said. i just needed to put that out there i guess??

my terms on sharing are that i'm not comfy, and if you're too lazy(/nm) to read below, the gist is dni if we share, and if you reblog from someone who shares my f/os of any status, i'll just softblock for my mental health because i. am a bitch when it comes to sharing. sorry.

in the same sense: if you share any of my friends' f/os, i either will block or not follow just for their sakes and i have a personal bias when it comes to my friends' stuff. if that makes sense. probably not. here's the link to the list, which can be updated at any time.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ i’m specifically writing my new pinned to sound like i lack enthusiasm, because, y’know, i kinda feel that way a lot. don’t be intimidated, i don’t bite unless you give me a permit to do so, otherwise i’ll just stare at you from across the room. i’m not new to selfshipping in the slightest, and i’ve been doing this shit since i was a kid. i heavily love fictional characters and i see them as my bitches who should bow down to me. that’s a joke. i’m bowing down to them. sidenote: i put the question mark by biromantic because i have no idea if i’m aroace or not. sigh.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ i like a lot of things outside of fictional characters who make me wanna eat grass. i love to draw, i love to write, i love to design, i’d fucking love to not have seasonal allergies. i also really fucking love animals, however, don’t rely on me for knowledge because i obviously don’t know everything about anything. my faves are orcas and foxes! my favorite foods are salmon nigiri, tamales, and conchas. awkward thumbs up emoji.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ my dni and other stuff can be found on my main/introductory carrd. fandom-wise, you can find my info and trivia and all your need-to-knows on my ascendaries carrd.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ yes, i’m aware i have a rain theme going on. personal ties and i love the weather. shrug emoji.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ yes, i'm aware a lot of my selfships have repetitive themes and tropes. those themes and tropes are very comforting and also largely stem from personal things which is why i indulge them. tldr: if you hate childhood friends to lovers, hooh, you're gonna hate me.

little tidbits about me, i suppose. a good chunk of these are taken from my old pinned.

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i quite literally use myself in all selfships, and prefer each fandom variation to not be called a "self insert". it's legit just me befitted for a fandom (usually a f/o, ie, if a f/o is an eldritch horror then fuck it i am too) 😔 ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i have a lot of interests and tend to show an interest in a lot of things at once— while i may not know everything about a media, i do immediately go searching for character analyses as well as consume media as much as i can. i do have an attention problem which involves finding it hard to sit down and binge. but i will read the info as much as i can, i do tend to like reading more than watching/playing. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ again, as previously stated, i am a hispanic selfshipper. however, i look whiter than one would assume, and kinda act it as well. while meals and pronunciations are a big deal to me[minus the joking mispronunciations which earn me 'oh she's white' stares; listen it's kinda funny], i'm not fluent in spanish [i know a few phrases…] nor do i have many experiences many others may have. i admire a lot of the traditions, however i did not grow up with them. i’d love to meet other hispanic selfshippers though, y’all are cool and i’m giving you all a little kiss. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ yeah, it's actually spelled “Chloë”, in case you had to know. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i love to indulge my friends and mutuals as best as i can! my inbox is always open for rambles and such, so don't be afraid to talk to me. i also don't mind infodumps on any of my faves because you'd more than likely help me understand them more anyways, which is always welcome. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i do love to portray myself as the more affectionate one in any of my selfships— while everyone loves affectionate male/female f/o stuff, i like giving out more love and flustering my dumbasses. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ unfortunately, i am a lady who is very not okay with sharing. if that bothers you, just please do not interact. i know non-sharing selfshippers seem silly and childish, but it's just how i am. similarly, i do not care to interact with anyone who selfships with faves on the friend DNI list, meaning that i prefer their selfships above all else. i know that ain’t gonna stop anyone, but oh well. that list doesn’t apply to anyone following before that list was updated, so! yeah. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i'm uncomfortable with nsfw and if you are a nsfw account, please do interact on a different account. while i do have nsfw humor, indulging in actual nsfw makes me uncomfy, so please keep that in mind. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ don't be scared of interacting with me. i'm not gonna leap out of the water and bite your hand off. as long as we don't share f/os, i don't mind interacting. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i don't mind being tagged in things. i find it quite fun, actually! and i feel honored! hehehe ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ fandom blogs PLEASE dni. there's nothing wrong with you guys...some of y'all, i mean. i'm just. i'd strongly prefer not to have fandom blogs follow me. likewise: ccxcc shippers for my f/os. sorry i'm still a person who's uncomfy w/sharing ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ edited last: 12/6/2023 — while this blog is by all means "private" (read: i have the settings that doesn't allow this blog to be searched up or something else), i don't think i'm too bothered by reblogs or stuff about my personal selfship content anymore. i had this rule in place initially so that way i did not burn a hole in my brain from too much attention, however, i will do my best in taking things easier so that way i don't hit that mark of burnout again, or at least, as fast. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

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DNI

you fit basic DNI criteria, this includes being a zionist. i dont wanna see any proshippers or racists or pedos or lgbtphobes or islamophobes or anyone else who fits this bs criteria

if you share my f/os, this is just more of a comfort thing. im less likely to follow if you reblog from someone who does share my f/os just for my own comfort

if you associate with @/tealilii or @/glazelilii or whatever other handles she has. she's caused trauma for me and another friend of mine, and might still be doing harmful shit to my other friend.

you associate with @/lolthia. you can find posts on why you shouldnt associate with them.

javier escuella slanderers. i will throw you like a fucking dodgeball

people who like dark content, including but not limited to: yanderes, DD: DNE, noncon or dubcon, incest including stepcest, the glorification of abuse

see someone wearing certain things in fashion and immediately ask if theyre into nsfw things or why they're wearing "fetish gear". its weird, dont do that, esp not to me.

there's probably more but. hm. i'll update eventually

i don't know what else to add. glances to the side. so uh. yeahh. hi there guys...??

dividers are by @/cafekitsune!!

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

Hi, there!

I don't know if your free readings are still open, but your blog showed on my dashboard three times in a row, so I'm taking it as a sign ✨

This week I had a hard time dealing with a bad habit I'm trying to get rid of, and I failed, several times, I've been feeling guilty since then. So my question is, are my deities and guides mad with me for this?

I'm currently worshipping Apollo and Hekate, if that info helps.

Thank you very much beforehand! 💕

Heyo! Sorry this took so damn long anon- in fact, whether or not your comfortable saying if this resonated I'd really appreciate you shooting me an ask when you see this just so I know you got it! I'm so worried that you won't because anons don't get notifications, lol.

However, this took a while for good reason! I do shorter readings first and I wanted to specifically give more time and effort towards yours, the same amount as a paid reading, since honestly it hit close to home for me. I understand the worry that your deities might be angry or upset with you, so I just went ahead and did a full reading for this one. (Although, there's no channeled bits for each card like in a paid reading and instead I just put one bit from Hekate at the end!)

As always, my Ko-Fi link is at the bottom to tip if you want to and are financially able, or for anyone who sees this and wants to check out my paid readings! There's no social pressure however, I just want to make it clear from the beginning. <3

That being said, Hekate was the only one who stepped forward, for this one, so all of the cards are from her! Here's your reading;

Are you mad at or upset with them?

Strong no on this one. I later asked Apollo to make sure that I could add him onto this and he said I could- neither of them are upset with you in any way.

What do you have to say about their feelings of guilt?

Four of Wands: Home, Backbone, Foundation. This card feels like a bit of advice to try and stabilize yourself. You don't have to worry so much, so take a deep breath and try to stabilize those emotions. This card has a bit of an emphasis on home and a sense of security, and it feels to me like Hekate is telling you to find that within yourself and within your deities; they're not going to be angry or upset with you. Accept who you are, because they already do. This quote straight from the guidebook feels incredibly relevant to me: "Celebrate your wings, no matter how large or small they are. Embrace any mistakes you have made- they are what make you human!"

Three of Wands: Persistence, Anticipation, Progression. You're making progress, don't forget that! There's no need to feel guilty for falling back on bad habits when the fact that you're even trying is already huge! This is a card of steady persistence, and handling challenges. You're growing, and that won't happen overnight- slow and steady wins the race. Your thoughts are the beginning of actions, so don't discredit yourself for "failing" when you're thinking about working on a habit. That will grow into something great!

"What do you have to say about their bad habit and struggling to break it?"

King of Swords: Clarity, Mental Strength, Cerebral. This is a situation in which you need to be objective. Your guilt is clouding your vision, and it's easy to get wrapped up in it. Right now what you need to do is clear all that debris, and work logically with what you know. This could be a gentle nudge towards making a structure or rule set when it comes to this habit- maybe a plan for what to do when you find yourself wanting to fall back on it? This feels like encouragement to use your logical mind.

Queen of Swords reversed: Ice Queen, Judgmental, Detached. Apparently, Hekate really wanted to get the point across- another card encouraging logic and objective thinking. This card has a bit of duality, as it can mean you're either being too emotional- or not emotional enough and therefore forgetting compassion. I feel it's a bit of both. In the midst of your emotions, it's easy to be judgmental. Rather than lashing out at others like the guidebook suggests, you're lashing out at yourself. Don't be so harsh on yourself, even if it feels so easy! Remember the sort of compassion you would offer to others in your situation; you probably wouldn't treat them the way you're treating yourself. It might help to think of yourself from the perspective of a friend. You wouldn't be so angry with a friend for this, would you?

Six of Cups: Familiarity, Innocence, Nostalgia. When was the last time you really let your inner child enjoy something? Six of Cups is a reminder that it's not all work; take some time to enjoy yourself! Be silly, take comfort in the familiar childish things, remind yourself of simpler days. If you're missing the times in life in which you were more innocent, and more free- do your best to spend some time making those days a reality now. Take a day or even an hour of free time to do something you would normally deem too childish. Nothing is too childish if it brings you joy, remind yourself of that! There's always room for more joy, so open your heart and do something fun.

Strength: Fierce, Endurance, Courage. Strength is nothing if not a "you've got this" card. This is a reminder that you have the tools to thrive, even- and sometimes especially- when it doesn't feel like it. Strength particularly feels to me like in this case it's calling out your ability to tame your impulses, and exercise self-control. You can do this with grace and power, don't doubt yourself. Give yourself compassion and patience; you'll get there.

The World reversed: Final Stretch, Impediment, Hindrance. Don't give up! I'm not even joking, that sums up this card really well. You're so close to your goals, aaaaaand bam- you keep getting delayed again and again and it's understandably frustrating. It's easy to lose hope when you feel like you're going nowhere- but you're not! You're in the final stretch, or at least you're way closer to your goals than you think. Summon that strength from the previous card and keep going, it'll be worth it.

"Do you have any encouragement or advice for them?"

The Star: Healing, Inspiration, Serenity. This is a clear reminder that your deities have got your back through thick and thin. They're not so easy to offend or upset- they're right there for you! Trust in them, and trust in yourself. I don't quote the guidebook too often but this part felt too specific to avoid quoting: "Simply put, you are flawless. The world is ready for your transformation into the star you always knew you were." You may not feel like you always knew it- but your deities have. Be gentle with yourself, and recognize that you're just as valuable as anyone else, bad habit or not.

"Any final words to end this reading on a good note?"

Seven of Pentacles reversed: Wasted Effort, Restructure, Low Return. This feels like a call back to the card that may have been a gentle nudge from Hekate to build a structured approach to this habit. Looking into ways to redirect that energy or alternatives might help; come up with a plan. Right now effort might feel wasted, and creating a system to where you put your time and effort might be helpful!

Justice reversed: Injustice, Unfair, Delinquency. This card, admittedly, trips me up- I had to ask Hekate for confirmation with each interpretation of this card. Ultimately what she confirmed I should settle on was this: As hard as this is, you're being taught a lesson that is needed. Sometimes you have to go through a lot of struggle to change- it's best to accept that and work for it, even if it sucks.

Ten of Swords reversed: Victimhood, Restoration, Transformation. You're letting go of things that no longer serve you, and it's scary- but it's exactly what you need to do. Avoiding change would just make things worse, so let go of what is old and make room for the new. It'll be work, but the transformation that it will result in will be wonderful, so look forward to it!

And then a little channeled writing at the end for you from Hekate:

"You're not as irredeemable as you think. It's okay to fail every once in a while. It's okay to even fail often. That doesn't determine your value. What matters is how you handle that failure. Get up, let us lead you through the pain- you're strong enough to do this on your own. We won't make you. We want to be here. You're making more progress than you would believe. Push yourself, but don't hate yourself when you fall. It happens to everyone."

Thank you for sending in the ask, I hope this reading helps! Here's my Ko-Fi, as always, for anyone interested:

[nerdygaymormon]

This conference was really hard for me and I'm relieved to know I'm not alone. Pres Nelson and Oaks' talks really made me reevaluate my place in the church and whether or not I want to be here anymore as a queer person. It just feels like everyone just wants us to leave so they can go on pretending the plan of salvation isn't presented in a way that writes out lgbtq people and does so cheerfully.

I also suffer from an eating disorder and when I tried to explain to my older sister in her late twenties that what president nelson said was hurtful, she told me that "well if food is your god, then you are offending the lord because it should just be Jesus. addiction is when something replaces god for you" which made me feel really discouraged and ashamed. Even though I know having an addiction isn't like that logically it still stung. I don't know. Basically I just want to say thanks for being honest about conference because I can't be at home. You're words have brought me a lot of comfort.

Back in the day I used to read blogs of queer Mormons, and they usually followed a similar arc. They were newly home from their mission and then had to grapple with the fact their queerness didn't go away. Things would start very faithful with a commitment to always be an active member, and would progress to them being more critical of the church and then no more entries.

Those blogs meant a lot to me because there was someone like me, but their story wasn't the same as mine.

When I started this blog, one of my goals was to write honestly about what it's like to exist in this space. I thought that one day historians would be interested in what it was like to be a queer person living through this period of LDS history. What did queer people at that time think, feel, and experience? What surprised me is that some currently-living people were interested in what I share.

It's always tempting to put a positive spin on things, to present myself in the best light, like I have everything figured out, but that's not reality. Sharing about being suicidal, crying about how hard therapy was for my social anxiety, my experience with reparative therapy, and how I was hurt by something said in General Conference are very much a part of this experience of being a queer Latter-day Saint, that's why I write about them in my blog.

Sometimes I worry I'm being too raw, too open, too negative, that I share too much. Your message is a good reminder that it's important to be honest so that we can see we aren't alone. Our stories have power! The power to help each other and the power to change the hearts of others.

———————————————————

I'm sorry you don't have family who you can talk to about these things. I don't either. Having a few close friends I can message about hard things is important to me and I hope you have some in your life.

———————————————————

What was said about eternal marriage isn't new, and I've built up some callouses to it, but to have it emphasized like it was in General Conference still hurts, especially how President Nelson linked queerphobic statements with "think Celestial."

Calling people sinners because they deal with mental health issues, like eating disorders, was unexpected and pierced me as I hadn't built up my guard against such rhetoric. Since I shared my reaction on social media, I've received many comments like your sister's.

President Nelson was a heart surgeon. Would he believe that people with heart issues were offending God, that they were worshiping their heart problem instead of God? What the heck?!! It doesn't make sense. Many people dealing with hard things turn to God for help.

I'm pretty sure God wants to help heal us. I don't think our personal trials offend Him. If anything, He hurts with us and for us. Jesus invites healing, not shame.

These "addictions" that President Nelson attacked are ways a person's mind and body try to cope with hard things. My mental health challenges come from being a queer Latter-day Saint and are ways my body & mind have coped with the emotional trauma and dissonance. So many queer folks have eating disorders and anxiety disorders. I'm glad our bodies protect us from worse consequences, but it sucks that this is a common result for queer people who try to be religious. Most non-queer members don't recognize there is a high cost to be paid by us, and I want them to know these are the fruits of the anti-queer teachings and policies

Please know you are loved. There is an online community of queer Mormons who know what you're feeling and who are pulling for you. If you need help, there are resources

please visit these if you are queer and need help:

Only to age 24: @trevorproject@utahtrevorproject (Utah) @encircletogether (Utah)

In Utah: @flourishtherapyinc @celebratetherapy

Active LDS: @liftandloveorg (national&online)

National: @glaad @988lifeline (involves law enforcement)

[autolenaphilia]

Misandry is not real: Part 4 (i think, whatever)

The analysis on the transunity blog is absolutely nonsensical. And them unironically believing in misandry is a major part of it. Well I have to give them props for being honest and outright saying the word "misandry". Other misandry truthers like genderkoolaid use cutesy neologisms like "anti-masculism". This text is still awful though, and very mealy-mouthed and confused about what it actually claims.

The reason transunity using the word "misandry" is remarkable is because the term originated among the antifeminist men's rights movement which denied patriarchy was real and argued instead men were systematically oppressed by society, which they called misandry.

Of course transunity is trying to spread this term among progressive tumblr folks, so they soften the term. they only describe "the experiences of men affected by a disdain for, or hatred of men." Of course this is how the blog and much of tumblr understands oppression in general, as individual acts of aggression. There is no systemic understanding of oppression, how it creates an underclass out of an marginalized group of people. So this softening of the term actually places misandry on an equal plane with actual oppression.

The posts add the caveat that "In cis society, misandry isn’t systemic." Yet this caveat is dubious in itself, as it reveals a weak understanding of systemic oppression. And it of course starts to be undermined in the following sentences.

"But it is common nonetheless. Misandry becomes more damaging if someone is marginalised alongside being a man." I'm tempted to add that everything before the but is a lie. The article starts treating "misandry" as if it's some intersecting oppression alongside other oppressions. One that apparently even non-marginalised men can experience, by implication.

The two examples the post gives are "the defecit (sic) in mental health support or DV shelters for men." The lack of mental health care being a male specific problem is laughable. They may have a point about domestic violence shelters for men, but that's a very old MRA/anti-feminist talking point.. The MRAs never build them and instead starts relativizing domestic violence by arguing the violence shows a "gender symmetry".

And while the article claims it's not systemic in "cis society", it's apparently part of transphobia. It's one of the three tools of transphobia, so it's apparently an integral part. "when misandry is mentioned on this blog it has a strong trans context attached to it. Applying this to cis dynamics doesn’t work" the writer agues.

Yet this relies on a separation between cis society and trans people that doesn't make sense at all. We trans people live in a cis-dominated and cisnormative society, that's the problem. Trans people might make trans subcultures, "trans contexts", but those are always trapped in cis dynamics. That's why transphobia exists, and it's systemic. So no, you can't claim misandry isn't systemic in cis society and yet claim it's an integral part of the systemic oppression of transphobia, it's a contradictionary position. Any analysis of transphobia can't be separated from cis society. Either transphobia isn't systemic (which it obviously is) or misandry isn't, which is also obviously true.

Now men can be oppressed, but it's never for being men. Men can be affected by racism, ableism, class, homophobia and transphobia and so on. But it isn't made worse by them being men (in fact being male is a privilege), which any comparison between men and women prove. It can often take different forms from the same oppression aimed at women, but that's the absence of misogyny, not the presence of any mythical misandry. (as another person's tumblr post more or less put it but which i can't find now because tumblr's search system is garbage).

Of course, what really got me going here is the vile suggestion that the rote cause of transfem's oppression is misandry, which this article engages in. "For trans women, terfs may apply misandry in a way which misgenders them and uses trans women’s agab against them." Actually fuck you, this is transmisogyny. Calling trans women men is textbook transmisogyny, not misandry. It's the most shallow form of analysis, to go "that terf called a trans woman a man, that means this is actually misandry, i'm so smart." It's looking at the rhetoric transmisogynists uses, and not analyzing the underlying systemic causes.

"midandry (sic) is based on how the transphobes perceive trans people. Not how the trans people actually identify." Actually you are just perpetuating that misgendering, fuck you.

In reality, transmisogyny is a systemic oppression that makes transfems into an underclass, an oppression that men benefit from. For the misandry analysis of our oppression to make sense, it would mean men are part of that underclasss, which they aren't. Misgendering us as men is part of transmisogyny, but our oppression is far broader than misgendering rhetoric.

Sure they call us "men", but it's just hurtful rhetoric. If they actually treated us as men, our position would be a lot different. They may talk about transfems being violent and male, but it's not rooted in any kind of hatred towards men and their violence. In fact it's to justify male violence towards us. In terf rhetoric a trans woman using a woman's bathroom is "male violence", a male cop using violence against her is not.

Transunity says that misandry is "punishment for proximity to masculinity." And tries to understand transmisogyny through that lens. But in fact, transmisogyny is if anything the opposite. Being transfem usually entails rejecting manhood and/or masculinity and embracing womanhood and/or femininity. This is not universal, butch women may not reject masculinity and embrace femininity, NB transfems may not embrace womanhood. But this is how transfemininity is seen.

And in a society that hates women and what's associated with them, that's the ultimate sin. Trans women being assigned male at birth and rejecting in favour of being women challenges the misogyny of patriarchal ideology.

Calling transfems men is a form of violently reassigning us to the gender we have rejected. It's that rejection of maleness that inspires the misgendering, the repeated insistence on a supposed objective reality of our maleness. It's punishment for rejecting masculinity and maleness, rather than the opposite.

The stated purpose of the transunity blog is to promote as the name implies, unity among trans people. A noble-sounding goal. The problem is that it's terrible at doing that. You are not going to get many trans women in your unity movement by trying to rehabilitate anti-feminist concept of misandry. And you are not going to do that by misgendering transfems by taking transmisogynist rhetoric at face value, and attributing to misandry what is actually transmisogyny.

[brave-and-gentle]

Stitches: Reader x Jean Fluff Part 4

Welcome to - *waves* whatever this is. I originally called it my fluff mini series but I keep extending it.

If this is your first time here, please check out Part 1 Part 2 and Part 3.

If you like this mini series, be sure to check out my original character x Jean fic on Ao3 here

Pairings: femme reader x Jean

Summary: You begin to unravel the mystery of why your "situationship" with Jean hasn't progressed.

Warnings: none here

Word count: ~4.9K

Although you are exhausted after your night with Jean, you hardly sleep that night. Your mind races, twists and turns. You're torn between how much fun you had at the poetry slam and wine bar – very intimate settings – and the obvious way Jean pulled away from you at the very end of the night. It didn't make any sense. Why kiss you several weeks ago, why ask you out like that – and then nothing?

The Thursday work day is brutal. You trudge through your work, mindlessly checking patients in for their appointments, barely able to keep your eyes open until finally, you reach the last hour before the clinic closes.

You're unsure whether to look forward to trivia with your friends tonight. It's another chance to see Jean – another chance to get your hopes up. And you fear you've already gotten them up far too high. Maybe you shouldn't go.

You pull out your phone to find a few unread texts from Sasha that you've purposely ignored.

You should've woken me up this morning – I wanna know how it went last night with Jean!

Girl, do not leave me hanging!!

Spill. The. Tea.

If you don't spill soon I'm going straight to the horse's mouth. Hehe – get it??

Your stomach sinks down to your feet. You twist back and forth in your chair behind the clinic check-in desk. It's hard to let Sasha down.

It was fun. But I don't think he likes me like that. He's just flirty.

She responds immediately.

Girl please. I have never seen Jean be “just flirty” with anyone. You and I both know who he's going to try to sit next to at trivia tonight.

Releasing a sigh, you lean back in your chair. For once, you really don't have the mental energy to hang out with your friends. Missing one night shouldn't be a big deal, right? Everyone missed one every once in a while.

Actually, I don't know if I'll go tonight. I'm pretty tired.

What?? Pleeeeease :) it's more fun with you! :)

An uncontrollable smile spreads across your face. Sasha is all too persuasive, or maybe you're too persuadable. After Historia moved out, you dreaded evenings and weekends without any friends to hang out with. But it didn't take long for Sasha to plead with you to come to trivia with her friends and rave about how much she loved your company. It's nice to know someone wants you there – even if it's not Jean.

Maybe I'll take a nap before.

Yay! I'm working late so I'll head straight to the bar straight after. See you there :)

~ ~ ~

You lie on your bed, phone up to your ear in one hand and your other hand is gesticulating up to the ceiling.

“What does he want from me?” You demand from your best friend even though she's just as clueless as you. “I mean, we kiss the first night we hang out, he paints a fucking picture of me, he practically takes me out on a date – but nothing since that first kiss. Who does that?”

“Well,” Historia says your name in her soft voice, “you know, you've been. . .”

“What?” You demand.

“It's just um. . .oh, don't make me say it!”

“C'mon Historia.” You flip over to your stomach. “You know you can tell me anything. Hit me with it.”

“Well, you've kinda been doing the same thing. Giving mixed signals. You haven't made a move with Jean either, have you? Not since you went to see the ice sculptures?”

Your body tenses. Historia is right. You're just as guilty.

“No,” you answer with force. “I think I used up my bold moves that night.”

“What if you just tell him how you feel?”

“What if I just walk into five lanes of traffic?”

Historia says your name in an exasperated tone.

“What! It'd basically be the same feeling,” you defend.

“You asked my opinion and I gave it.”

“Ugh, yeah I know. It's almost unfair how much Ymir has rubbed off on you.” Historia rarely called you out on your bullshit, so when she did, you knew it was real. You look at your watch. 6:30 pm. You should be walking to trivia now. “Look, I gotta go. I'll catch up with you later?”

“Sure. Just remember – you deserve better. You don't have to take table scraps from anyone.”

You cringe, knowing exactly what Historia is referencing. She held you while you cried after the guy you dated for a year in college dumped you out of the blue because he “just didn't see a future together.” It should've been obvious from the beginning since he hardly ever made an effort to see you. Though it was a couple years ago, the old wound still aches sometimes. Historia and Ymir were your emotional stitches, but there was still a scar.

“Yeah, I know,” you say softly. “Anyways. Say hi to Ymir for me?”

“Always,” Historia says.

~ ~ ~

You rush through the bar doors knowing you're a little late. Trivia hasn't started yet, but all of your new friends are already seated with a drink in front of them. A few perk up to wave and greet you.

“Sorry guys!” You apologize and unwrap your scarf. Trost has slowly been warming up but it's still snowing. You're a little sweaty from running over despite the cold.

“No worries, saved you a seat!” Sasha leans back to wave at you from the middle of the table.

“Thanks,” you breath and take off your hat. You attempt to smooth down your hair while you take a seat next to Sasha. You turn to your left and -

It's Jean.

Of course. Sasha purposely saved you a seat between her and Jean.

Jean is wearing a light purple t-shirt. You've never seen him in a t-shirt before. His biceps are well defined and somehow still tanned despite it being winter.

“You good?” He asks you and tilts his head. You blush, not realizing how hard you were staring.

“Yeah, you uh, have paint on your shirt.” You poke a yellow splotch on his chest and wonder if his chest is as well defined as his biceps. And maybe something else is well defined – no no no, lord, grant me the strength to stop my unholy thoughts, you pray, though you've never been religious.

“Ah, shit.” Jean looks down and dabs the yellow splotch. “It's already dry.”

“Must've been a good time at the studio today?” You ask, attempting to clear your head.

“Yeah, really good,” he nods. “Actually,” he pauses and bites his bottom lip. He finally makes eye contact with you. “Would you mind coming to the studio sometime soon? Maybe tomorrow or Saturday? I have an idea.”

You raise your eyebrows. “And you need me?”

“Yes.” Jean nods with force. “I figured I should ask this time.”

“Oh.” Surprise ripples through your body. Is Jean asking to paint you? You're flustered, unsure how to respond. On one hand, it's flattering that he wants to use you for inspiration again – and involve you. On the other, it seems far too romantic for “friends.”

Pink flushes Jean's face as he waits for you to respond more. “Ah, never mind, it's a dumb idea.” He waves. “You don't have to.”

“No, I uh -”

“Hey everyone!” Eren calls the group to attention. He sits directly across from Jean. “I want to make a toast.” He wraps his arm around Mikasa, who leans into him and smiles. Her black hair falls like a curtain over half her face. Eren raises his drink in the air and waits for everyone else to follow his motion. “To my beautiful girlfriend Mikasa, whose birthday is tomorrow. And – we just celebrated our one-year anniversary. I wouldn't have gotten the guts to finally ask her out if it weren't for you all.”

Your friends give a mix of cheering and “awww.”

“Get a room already!” Connie berates the couple.

You grab the glass of water in front of you and raise it in celebration.

But you notice Eren isn't gazing back at Mikasa like you'd expect. No, his green eyes are piercing straight ahead.

At Jean.

Who is staring right back at Eren. Jean's fist shakes under the table, out of sight for everyone except you.

And in that moment, you realize.

Eren's toast isn't meant to praise Mikasa, though that's how almost everyone was interpreting it. No, it's a taunt.

For Jean.

Who nearly blew up when you two ran into Eren and Mikasa at the ice sculptures. Who insisted you were friends. Who backed away from you after the wine bar.

A burning question crashes down on you.

Does Jean has a thing for Mikasa?

Is that why he's avoided a second kiss?

Your stomach twists and stings. You take a small sip of your water as everyone says “cheers” and wishes Mikasa a happy birthday.

Jean's eyes wander over to you. He puts his beer down.

“Oh hey, you're missing a drink,” he points out. He licks a bit of foam off his upper lip. “Can I grab you anything?” He jabs his thumb at the bar behind him.

“No, I don't want anything,” you say and cross your arms. Jean raises his eyebrows at your curt, yet polite tone.

“Ah, okay.” He turns away and chats with Reiner on his other side. You're actually dying for a drink. Something to dull your senses would be fantastic, but you sit through all the trivia rounds without getting anything out of sheer stubborn will.

It's not about the drink, of course.

Jean doesn't try to talk to you again. It's as if you've built a wall in between the two of you.

And that's how it should be. How it needs to be. You can't delude yourself any longer.

You and Jean are just friends.

Just. Friends.

~ ~ ~

Connie is once again crashing your weekly movie night with Sasha. Though the two of you don't mind too much, you have one rule for Connie: no complaining about the movie choice.

“The Devil Wears Prada? Haven't you seen this a million times?” Connie holds up the battered DVD case like it's the sandwich Sasha forgot under the couch last week.

“Uh uh uh!” You wag the knife you're using to cut green bell peppers at him. “You know the rules, no complaining about our movie choice.”

“Especially since you weren't even invited,” Sasha's voice drips with acid as she gives him the side eye. Beside you, she continues rolling out the pizza dough. Friday night movie nights were your idea – a relaxing night in to recover after the chaos of Thursday night trivia with your new friends.

“Alright, fine fine.” Connie collapses into the couch cushions. “Why do you two like this movie so much anyways?”

“Because!” You erupt, throwing your hands in the air, one of them still wielding the knife. “It's the early 2000s rise of girl boss feminism. Miranda, who symbolizes white girl capitalism, is made out to be the main villain. She is a villain, but the real one, the one we didn't see when we were young, naive girls is Nate – the evil boyfriend who hates Andie for exploring fashion and her feminine side. But!” You pause for dramatic effect. “Andie is also a problem as she trades her relationships for capitalist success. In this essay I will. . .” you trail off and smirk.

“Sheesh,” Connie mutters. “Didn't realize this was an English class. No wonder you and Jean get along.”

“You don't have to be here,” you remind him and ignore the comment about Jean.

“Ugh. Lemme see what our dear Jeanboy is doing tonight.” At the mention of Jean's name, you peer over to watch Connie pull out his phone while you slice another bell pepper.

A sharp sting rips through your thumb.

“Agh!” You yell and pull your thumb away from the knife and cutting board. Distracted by the mention of Jean, you had sliced your thumb instead of the pepper. Sasha grabs a wad of paper towels and hands them to you. You squeeze down on your thumb and blood soaks through the paper towels.

“You good?” Sasha places an arm around you and guides you to sit on the couch next to Connie.

“I think so?” You answer, but your shaking voice tells another story.

“Let's see. . .” Sasha peels back the bloody wad with a gentle touch to reveal a deep cut. Your skin is split wide open and gushes blood.

“Yuck.” Connie leaps off the couch. “That looks nasty. Want me to call Marco? I don't think he's working tonight.”

You shrug, unsure if your cut actually needs stitches. Connie dials up Marco regardless of your indecision.

“Hey Marco – we need your man nurse skills . . .what, no! Not for me.” He clarifies that it's for you.

“Is this a regular occurrence?” You ask Sasha.

“Connie has abused Marco's skills so many times,” she laughs. “He refuses to help him anymore. You're a first timer though, so I'll bet anything he'll be over soon.”

Sure enough, Connie announces that Marco will be over in a few minutes.

“Anyways,” he flops back onto the couch, “I'll stick around until then at least.”

“Good call, literally,” you say.

Your mind wanders back to the reason you were so distracted. Heat rises to your face as you realize these are the safest people to ask what you've been wondering about Jean – and Mikasa.

“Hey. . . can I ask you guys something?”

“Sure!” Sasha beams and wraps another layer of paper towels around your thumb. Connie scrolls aimlessly through Instagram.

“About Jean . . . did he and Mikasa ever. . .you know?” You dance around your question, unsure of how to phrase it. Connie's head jerks up. Your heart pounds in anticipation. Did they date? Did they fuck? You gnaw on the inside of your cheek.

“Mmm, I'm not really sure,” Sasha muses and avoids eye contact. “Jean definitely had a thing for her when they met a couple years ago, but obviously nothing came of it.”

“But nothing happened – at all?” You press.

“Jeanboy doesn't kiss and tell,” Connie sighs. “I asked him once and he almost punched me. So if something did happen, we don't know. He's no fun.”

“Maybe you could ask Marco?” Sasha lightens up. “Those two have been tight forever. He's the only one that would know for sure.”

*knock knock*

“Speak of the devil,” Connie says and gets up to grab the door. “Marco, you've come to save her from bleeding out!”

Marco steps through the door with a small kit in hand.

“Hey,” Marco breathes your name and shivers from the lingering cold. “What happened?” He asks as he strips off his coat. Red from the bitter cold is spread across his freckled face.

“I uh, had an incident with a knife,” you explain and hold out your thumb. Marco walks over to you and Sasha on the couch. You realize he's almost as tall as Jean because as he kneels in front of you, he can still make level eye contact. With a gentle touch, he peels back the paper towel to reveal your wound.

“Yikes,” he frowns, “you're definitely going to need stitches.”

You involuntarily cringe.

“Alright, two options,” Marco continues and sits back on his heels. “I can take you to the urgent care I work at, or if you really trust me, we can do it here.”

“Ten out of ten recommend Doctor Marco!” Connie yells from the kitchen as he rifles through the cupboard for snacks.

“Not a doctor,” Marco mutters and shakes his head. “Anyways, I can do stitches in my sleep, but I can understand if you'd rather go to urgent care.”

“No, I trust you. Plus, I really don't fee like dropping a couple hundred dollars on stitches.” Ironically, the clinic you worked at didn't offer a very good health insurance plan.

“Sounds good,” Marco smiles. “Bathroom okay?”

“Yep.” You stand up and “Woah. . .”

Purple dots cloud your vision. Cotton balls fill your ears.

“Easy there.” Marco grabs your waist to steady you. “Hey Sasha? Connie? Can you go grab her some Gatorade or something?”

“On it!” Sasha jumps off the coach and grabs her purple puffy coat. At the same time, Connie whines, “But it's cold and dark out there!”

“C'mon.” Sasha grabs Connie and drags him to the front door. “Our comrade needs our help.”

“Fine,” he mutters and throws his coat on. “Good luck, you better still be alive when we come back.”

You wave to your friends as they leave.

“What's the Gatorade for?” You ask and steady yourself as your vision restores.

“Mostly to get those two outta here, they're kinda distracting.” Marco rubs the nape of his neck. “But you do also look a little pale. Some sugar and electrolytes should help with that.”

Marco grabs two chairs from the kitchen and places them in front of the bathroom sink.

“This shouldn't take too long. First, let's clean it,” he explains and takes out a packet of antiseptic wipes from his kit. He dabs your wound with a wipe and it instantly stings. You hiss and clench your fist. “That's the worst part – and it's over. Do you normally get squeamish around blood?”

“It's not really the blood,” you explain. “It's more like the anticipation.”

“Ah, anxiety?” He asks and prepares for the stitches. “Armin's like that too,” he chuckles. “He practically passed out during our first nursing rotations in school.”

“Wait, Armin was in nursing school with you?” You raise your eyebrows.

“Nursing school yes, but different ones. We were in the same rotation at the hospital though, that's how we met. I invited him to hang out with us and he brought Eren and Mikasa. That's how we all became friends. Armin ended up on the research of side of things instead, which he's much more suited for. He's brilliant. Oh – you might want to put your head down or look away for this.” Marco pauses and gives you a serious look. “It won't hurt much, but we can't have you passing out.”

“Oh, sure.” You comply and turn your head away, placing your chin on your free hand.

“So that means you all met what – your senior year?”

“Yep.” Marco idly confirms. You feel a gentle tugging on your skin.

“Marco . . . can I ask you a question? A personal one?” The tugging on your skin stops. “Not about you though,” you quickly explain.

“Oh.” The tugging resumes. “Sure.” The question burns on your lips.

“Did anything ever happen between Jean and Mikasa?” The burning on your lips blazes to your cheeks.

“Ah.” Marco clears his throat. “I thought you might ask about that.”

“Really?” Surprise ripples through your body.

“Yeah, Jean's been talking about you a lot lately. I figured something was going on. Anyways. . .” he trails off, concentrating on your last two stitches. “What I can tell you is that Jean was really into her when they first met at that party I mentioned.”

Your stomach turns.

“And did anything ever come of it?”

Marco hesitates.

“Look, I don't know if I should be sharing this with anyone -”

“Please, Marco?” You turn and plead with his light brown eyes. You're so desperate for information that a confession doesn't even phase you. “I like him. And I need to know. . . if he's hung up on someone else. I don't want to waste my time. Or get hurt. Please?”

Marco sighs. “Alright. They went on a date. One date.” He finishes off the stitches and avoids eye contact with you. “Jean asked and she said yes. He didn't tell me a ton, but he came home really happy that night. A couple days later, we all hear that Mikasa and Eren are officially a couple. I asked Jean what happened and he just growled at me. That's all I know.”

Your jaw actually drops. You stare at Marco open mouthed. You barely register that he's done with the stitches as he puts his supplies away. “So she went on a date with Jean and then immediately started dating Eren??”

Marco whips back over to look at you. “Oh, but please don't think poorly of Mikasa! She's not a bad person.” Now it's his turn to plead with you.

You remain silent. It's almost unthinkable. Admittedly you don't know Mikasa very well, but she's always seemed like a kind, introverted soul. What would posses her to do something like that? Flashes of anger heat your body despite Marco's insistence. That must've really hurt Jean.

“You really don't know what happened? Nothing at all?” You press your lips together in a tight line.

“No,” Marco shakes his head and stands up. “I wish I did. Jean was pretty bent out of shape about it for a while, but he's not exactly the kind to easily share his feelings.”

“You got that right,” you huff. “Be honest with me – do you think I'm wasting my time with Jean?”

Marco pauses in thought. He leans against the sink and crosses his arms. “No, not exactly.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I get the sense he likes you,” he smiles. “But,” his smile disappears, “I gotta be honest, I couldn't say if he's over Mikasa. It's been about a year, so maybe, but like I said, I don't even know everything that happened.” He shrugs. “But I think it's worth talking to Jean about it. Ask him and he'll probably be more honest with you than with me.”

“Sure,” you nod slowly. “It's just that. . . feelings are hard.” Your gaze lingers on your newly stitched up thumb. Telling Jean you like him and asking about Mikasa feels on par with ripping out your new stitches. And pouring more alcohol into the wound.

“Yeah, I get that,” Marco agrees. “I guess it depends on how much he's worth it to you.”

~ ~ ~

The movie night is a perfect distraction from the ulcer growing in your stomach from thinking about Jean. You and Sasha cackle throughout the movie, quoting lines from memory and imitating Miranda's stern look.

“I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”

“CERULEAN!!”

“Florals? For spring? Groundbreaking.”

Despite Connie's griping, he stays the entire time and as per usual, falls asleep on your couch. After the movie, you crawl into bed and check your phone.

You have an unread text from Jean.

See you tomorrow morning?

You groan. Tomorrow is your scheduled Saturday morning creative date with Jean. Not date, you correct yourself. Your mind wanders back to what Marco said. Was figuring out what's up with Jean worth it to you? With the way he looked at Mikasa and his frustration with Eren, it seemed like he wasn't over what happened – dangerous territory. You weren't in too deep now, you try to convince yourself. You only kissed once. And sure, you're crushing, but crushes fade. You chew on the inside of your cheek, unsure of how to proceed. So you choose to avoid.

I'll have to sit this one out, not feeling great :/

Technically it's the truth. You don't think you'll get much writing done with Jean across the table from you. And you don't feel great – mentally or physically. Overthinking was getting exhausting, and your stitches were aching despite the pain killers Marco gave you. Your phone buzzes.

Ah, that's right, Marco told me about the stitches. That sucks! Do you need anything?

Nope, Sasha's got me covered. Don't need anything.

~ ~ ~

The next few days move at, well – a glacial pace.

You don't write at all.

Your wound under the stitches aches.

You think about Jean and Mikasa the entire time.

On Monday, Jean texts you an interesting article about world building, but you don't respond. In truth, you're dying to talk with him again. You don't realize how much you enjoy his company until you skip your creative date. You miss talking about art and writing with him. You miss that he takes it seriously in a way that your other friends didn't. You miss how open you could be with each other – well, for the most part.

You're taking your lunch break on Wednesday when you get another text from Jean.

Hey, you feeling better? Up for wine and writing/art tonight?

You sigh and tap your fingers over and over again on the table. Maybe the best decision is to cut it off now. The last time you admitted vulnerability, it didn't so well.

After months of dating that guy on your floor in college, you grew tired of only seeing him on his terms. You never felt like you could ask to see him. You were always waiting for him to text you. You even canceled plans with Historia in hopes that he might want to do something. You hated it. You began to hate yourself for how pathetic you became.

So you told him. You told him how you wanted to see each other more. You wanted to actually build a relationship, not just hang out with someone at parties on weekends. Your face burned and your voice shook, but you were proud of yourself for standing up for once.

And then he broke up with you. Right then and there.

And that was it.

You pull yourself back to the present moment and text Jean back.

I have plans tonight, sorry.

Text bubbles pop up and you brace yourself for impact.

Oh, okay.

Your stomach drops. You turn your phone off and shove the rest of your lunch back in the staff fridge. You're being rude to Jean, you know it. You hate yourself for it.

But this is for the best.

~ ~ ~

Once work is finally over, you hop on the train home and stop by the local liquor store. You might not be getting wine with Jean tonight, but you sure as hell want a glass of wine. Or two. Or three. Anything to get Jean off your mind. And with Sasha out tonight with Nicolo, you need a distraction.

As you walk toward the store, you admire at the blush pink sunset. Mid-February is still freezing in Trost, but at least it's now light when you get home, albeit just barely.

You mindlessly roam the aisles until you find the boxed wine section. In college, you and Historia always opted for boxes over bottles. It was the economically smart decision and neither of you were well versed enough in wine to tell much of a difference between a box and a fancy bottle.

Although you prefer a chardonnay, you grab a pink wine knowing that it's Sasha's favorite.

A large hand clamps down on your wrist as you're mere inches away from the box.

“C'mon, you are breaking my heart with that.” You jerk your head up to see what stranger has rudely interrupted you.

But it's no stranger.

It's Jean.

You are quite literally caught red-handed. Or pink-handed.

Despite your internal insistence that you are just friends, that you need to avoid Jean, your heart leaps with affection at the sight of him in his parka and knitted hat. Then your heart squeezes tight with guilt when you remember that you canceled on him tonight – and here you are, at the liquor store getting ready for a night alone.

“Hey, nothing wrong with box wine,” you grin in spite of yourself. You can't help smiling in his presence.

“There is everything wrong with box wine,” Jean groans and tilts his head back, exposing a glimpse of his throat. “I gotta have you over sometime and re-educate you since apparently the wine bar wasn't enough.”

You offer a noncommittal smile in return. “Anyways,” you clear your throat and give your captured wrist a pointed look. Jean releases his grip and you grab the pink box wine. “I gotta get going.”

“Oh, that's right.” Jean adjusts his winter hat, which fails to cover up his lengthening hair. “So uh – what are you up to tonight?”

“Girl's night with Sasha,” you blurt. It's the first thing you think of since she's part of the reason you're getting the pink wine.

Jean frowns. “Doesn't she have a date with Nicolo tonight? He's been telling me for weeks about this concert they're going to tonight.”

“Oh um. . . “ you trail off. Your entire body is frozen like you've stepped outside, blasted by Trost's bitter winter season. Once again, you're caught. You fumble and stutter, struggling to come up with another excuse.

The hurt flashing in Jean's hazel eyes cuts through you like the knife to your thumb. He sees right through your lie.

“Ah.” He rocks back on his heels. “Got it.” He nods and swallows. “Message received.” He turns on his heels and walks away from you.

Desperation surges through your body. You've wounded him, and you want to stitch it up.

“Jean, wait! I didn't mean -” Your protests are useless. Jean has left the liquor store empty handed.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

You make a bee line to the register to pay for your box wine.

Maybe it'll be four glasses tonight.