#mental health has been in the gutter so I am trying to do something to fix that cause it is a lot worse than usual

[pixlmonkeys]

ok aaaaaaa ermm we r good we r so good rn errrrmmm

[briceterry]

A little bit of a life update:

Way back in 2022, My senior Year of highschool happened, The Mario teaser trailer was released and I gained more Marieism and it's still going strong. But I know something bad was going to happen... Losing all my friends. Worse thing? I made a new friend who was into the same stuff as I was (Splatoon, Kirby, Super Mario, Sonic, TMNT, etc), and I didn't even know I was gonna graduate in 2023 until the school told every student about the graduation stuff. But then I fully panicked because I didn't want to lose my friends I made, what's worse is that I didn't get their social media accounts so I can talk to them (But unfortunately for the new friend I made, I didn't have Tumblr, but they did), and after I graduated, I was blind sighted about everything, I was sad about losing my friends, but I didn't have to be near students who bullied me for my autism and my interests. Many months goes by, and I celebrate the end of 2023 with praise...

Then January of 2024 brought a lot of shit that blocked my way and actually done damage to my mental health. The Chuggaconroy drama, One of my dogs passing away, and one thing that's been fogging up my mind is not having a job. I didn't attend college because that costs way too much. And also, I can lash out at people easily in public who try to piss me off or make me cry. And with the bullying I've been through throughout 8th grade through 12th grade for hating Fortnite: Battle Royale, It can easily happen if one of my bullies from Highschool finds in a place I wanna work at (I wanna work this gaming store in West Virginia I love). Also with everything that has been happening with current events, my mental health has been hitting the gutter, I'm suffering with Smile Depression because of the current events in the world, the looming threat of AI, and the biggest reason of all for my masking depression... is being lonely. Although I have my family (which I feel like I make things worse for them) are the only people I have and none of them have the same interests as me. Also we don't get along sometimes. And I wanna find some friends who has the same interests as me... And I did, with my followers and the people who like my stuff on Tumblr. Although we haven't introduced ourselves yet, You guys have made things in my life a little bit less sucky. I'm so glad you answered my questions, I'm so happy you like my incorrect quotes, my art (even though it's mid at best), you guys are friends to me. I am planning on going to my therapist this year to get my mental health really better.

💚Just to let you guys know, I'm really glad to have you guys as a friend and as followers.💚

Thank you for reading this very long post and liking the stuff that I do, guys.

Now I gotta go to sleep, it's like 3:31 AM.

[rowdyhughesy]

could you do something fluffy with trevor or mark? like them helping you through something?

Never let you fall - T.Zegras

” She was feeling the pressure of the world outside and she wanted to see him and feel his presence beside her and be reassured that she was doing the right thing after all. “

- F.Scott Fitzgerald

I am in no way shape or form trying to romanticise mental health. It’s a serious subject and just know that you’re never alone no matter what. There are always people willing to listen and help. I am available if you want somebody to just listen or talk to♡

It’s easier to ignore the fact that you’re not okay than doing something about it. Living in this fantasy that the world doesn’t feel like it’s caving in on you, that it’s not squeezing your airways from the inside. By ignoring it you don’t have to tell anyone about it. You can continue living in denial and not worrying those closest to you. Because your brain is telling you that nobody wants someone that can’t handle the world.

So that’s why you’re currently sitting on the roof of your apartment. It’s quiet up there, nothing to think about as you try to swallow down the tears that are threatening to slip out. Chest and throat burning as you inhale the smoke from the cigarette hanging between your lips. Headphones on playing your well thought out playlist with songs for when you feel like this. Empty. Alone. Your phone has been buzzing nonstop for the last two days but you haven’t had the energy to answer any of the texts. Most of them consisting of your parents reaching out about plans for the weekend or your friends asking why you haven’t been at work. Some are from Trevor, wondering why you weren’t at his game like you’d promised.

All of that making you think of how you’re letting people down. How you make promises you know you can’t keep when you feel like this. That thought alone breaks the dam. Leaning your forehead against your knees you cry. The words of your guardian angel by the red jumpsuits apparatus echoing inside your head.

I will never let you fall (let you fall). I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all (through it all) Even if saving you sends me to heaven. It's okay, It's okay, It's okay.

Aggressively wiping your cheeks with the sleeve of your sweatshirt you notice the car headlights pulling into the parking lot. The familiar BMW stopping in one of the open spots. Trevor.

Pulling the hood of your sweater over your head you hope it’ll aid you in camouflaging yourself from his view. Except for the obvious red glow still lit in your hand. Following his path from the car to the front door with your eyes you pray that he’ll go away when he notices you aren’t answering the door. But knowing the hockey player that’s the last thing he’ll do. Trevor is nothing if not persistent and always wanting to know that people he cares for are alright. That including his mess of a girlfriend at the moment.

Pausing the music you listen for signs that he’s going to walk away as you take another drag of the nicotine. White see through smoke escaping past your parted lips and disappearing in the air. The only times you smoked where when you were having an episode, just like now. It gave you something to focus on. Following the smoke as it makes it way into your lungs and out as you exhale.

“Angel face I know you’re up there.” Trevor’s voice travels through the quiet California air and inside the headphones. Realising you’ve been caught you pull the hood down along with the headphones. Still sitting with your legs bent towards your chest. The tear tracks are now dried making your skin feel stiff.

Noticing that you probably wont answer him Trevor sighs before walking towards the building wall. You know he’s scared of heights and seeing him climbing up the gutter on the side of the building before heaving himself up to the balcony makes your hearth grow warm. Suddenly his tan ringclaid hand makes an appearance by the end of the roof. Waving it back and forth as a sign for you to take it.

Scooting closer to the edge you grab his outstretched hand, aiding him in climbing up onto the roof. Trevor face is flushed as he looks up meeting your gaze. His eyes scanning your face, looking for any signs as of why you would be up here before they lock on the pack of cigarettes laying beside you. Brows furrowing. He knows you don’t smoke unless..

“Angel face-“ Trevor wraps his arms around you, setting your shorter frame in his lap as he hugs you close to his chest. “I just feel like the world is caving in Trev, I don’t know what to do.” Voice barely a whisper, hoarse from the crying and after not drinking anything for the last couple of days. Trevor places a featherlight kiss on your temple, hand running through your hair in a soothing motion. “You don’t have to do anything baby, if the world is caving in I’ll be there to build a wall around you. I’ll be that wall if that’s what it takes.”

A teary laugh escapes your lips, hand reaching out to take one of his. Intertwining your fingers as they lay on your lap. “What did I do to make you of all people fall in love with me? You’re so good. Kind, gentle and loving, always knowing how to make others laugh.” This time it’s Trevor’s turn to let out a quiet laugh, placing yet another kiss on your kiss except this time it’s on the corner of your mouth.

“You didn’t have to do anything, I just took a look at you when we where at that bar and knew that you were the one piece missing. I wasn’t who I am now when I met you. You were the one that shaped me into this gentle and loving guy. I wouldn’t be who I am now if it weren’t for you.” Nuzzling your face against his neck you inhale the smell of his cologne. A smell that always seems to ground you. Pull you back from wherever you’ve drifted off to in your head.

Climbing down from the roof the two of you make your way to the bedroom, changing into comfy pyjamas as Trevor drapes the comfort over your bodies. Arm still wrapped around your middle hugging you close to him. Letting the silence settle over the room, the only light inside peeking in from behind the drawn curtains casting a shadow over the walls.

Trevors whispering breaks the long silence. “You don’t have to push me away you know. Ever. You can push all you want but I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me now.” Turning your head so that you’re facing him you place one of your hands on his cheek. Leaning your forehead against his you bask in the feeling of being surrounded by him.

His touch, his smell, his love.

Trevor takes the chance to lean in, his lips parting as they meet yours. A content sigh slipping out as he feels you kiss back, your free hand tugging him closer to you as the other stays on his cheek. You stay there for what feels like forever. Kissing and tugging at each others clothes as if one of you might slip away. Whispering I love you in the dark over and over again as sleep consumes you.

The last thing you hear is Trevor’s voice. “You won’t ever have to go through this alone again. I’ve got you angel face, it’s you and me.”

[minty-the-witch]

Mental and Spiritual: Different Sides of the Same Coin

Howdy everyone! 

I’ve been MIA for a while because my life has just been absolutely crazy lately. I’ve bounced around from Airbnb and hotel with my family while our house is being repaired (from a house fire). I also changed jobs during this period. All this to say, my mental health has just been in the gutter as of late. 

I did some reflection, and I realized that part of my problem was that I was neglecting my spiritual side during all this chaos. I began by getting a new tarot deck from the local Barnes and Noble. Once I began doing readings again I immediately felt better, but I was still rusty when it came to the readings themselves. I was doing okay, not great nor terrible. 

Something I have always struggled with is balance. Balancing all aspects of my life has been a challenge. Sometimes I would go all in with my writing, and neglect other areas like my spiritual work. Other times I would hyperfocus on spiritual things and my “real life” would suffer. I still don’t know a very good solution, other than to keep trying. I started journaling, but it was hard for me to keep up with that too. I take my meds every day but sometimes it feels like that doesn’t help.

Obligatory I am not a professional, seek help if you feel you really need it. 

Spirituality has helped me so much, it’s hard for me to even explain. It makes me feel whole. Whenever I read a spiritual book, or meditate, or do tarot I find myself closer to peace. I believe that humans were never designed (or not evolved) to sit at a desk job all day or on your feet for 8+ hours at a tedious job. Whenever I’m at my fast food job, I don’t even feel like a person. My good friend has a job in her field (biotech) and even she is miserable working 9-5 every day. 

I feel like people have grown to cut out that spiritual side of themselves, for various reasons but for the purpose of this post I am going to blame late stage capitalism HAH! Our society does not put much stock into spiritual growth or health, or mental health for that matter. I think that both are absolutely vital. In my own experience, I think they go hand in hand. Two sides of the same coin. When my mental health is shit, my spiritual growth suffers. And visa versa. 

That is why I am making it a personal goal of mine to read more books and try to do one blog post a week. No idea what I will talk about, I don’t know that I have much to say - I’m definitely not an expert in the occult by any means. But I will give it a shot. 

What are some things to help rekindle the spiritual fire?

For me, my love is always tarot. I love helping people with readings as well as doing some for myself. It feels so magical to do. To feel that connection with the cards and the universe. I am not a tarot expert yet, but I feel the vibe of the cards to the best of my ability. By that extension, I would suggest doing something that helps someone else!

Another thing that helps me is a spiritual cleanse in the shower. I wash up with very strong intentions of washing away the dirty negative thoughts and energy. Then I will spend 5-10 minutes just standing or sitting under the water, meditating. I connect most with water (despite being an earth sign), this may not work for everyone. 

When I lived in a different neighborhood, there was a cute little forest park nearby. Whenever I was feeling negative I would go for a walk through the woods and just vibe out to the playlist of the day. I took in the energy of the forest around me. I grounded myself almost every time with this one specific tree that felt especially magical. (I even found little spirits there!) 

Something you can do almost anywhere is classic meditation. Although it's hard to do when you have company. My favorite meditative tool is the app Calm (I’ve also used Meditopia in the past). But there are free ones available too, like the app Moonly, and also if you have Spotify you can find good meditative tracks! It’s hard for me to clear my head, as I am an anxious person, but once I get in the groove of things it certainly helps. 

Speaking of groove, doing something you love that gets you in that flow state is always helpful for your mental and spiritual health! For me it's writing. Writing is a kind of magic itself, at least that is what my guides have always told me. The ancient Egyptians certainly believed so. 

The key with any of these things, is to have the intentions of rekindling your spiritual fire. If you just do these things without the aim of that connection, well it's just good for your mental health and there’s nothing wrong with that. Like I said before, I believe they go hand in hand. Having the proper intentions and confidence is half the battle in magic. 

[three-strikes-of-void]

Sorry for the vent post but dear fucking god I actually cannot handle living in this body. I can’t get top surgery for at least the next year because of university. Every time I look at my chest I start dissociating. Binding tape does almost NOTHING. I have no binders in my size. I’m this fucking close to using layers upon layers of duct tape because I literally cannot stand this I can’t fucking LIVE LIKE THIS. I want to fucking rip off my skin I actually HATE THIS. And I have NO IDEA how I would even START the process of getting top surgery. I might ask my therapist for help or something but like I genuinely want to fucking die most of the time because I can’t stand living in this body. I’m 1 year on HRT and I haven’t started passing in the slightest. I get she/her’ed every time I speak. I literally dress like some dudebro and still people assume I’m a cis girl. Everyone told me I would pass SO EASILY on testosterone. I’m 4’9” and don’t get taken seriously because of it, even before I came out as trans. People just assume I’m a kid. I have literally done EVERYTHING RIGHT and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. My mental health isn’t as in the gutter as it was before but like still I truly, genuinely want to die because no matter what I fucking do NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH. I’m literally only alive because I have friends I want to live for but honestly I see nothing in my future. I have no faith in myself that I’ll be able to pass my classes and get a degree. I do sports but I tore my ACL and had to get surgery in January and I’m still not back to full strength. I’ve been trying not to hurt myself but I slipped again last night. I’m just so SICK. And TIRED. Of EVERYTHING.

I am so sorry to my mutuals and followers, I just needed to get this out.

[thewolfatmydoor]

Second time lucky after tumblr ate my post halfway through writing it.

I didn't think this was ever something I would do, and not because I don't feel like people shouldn't ask for help if they need it, but because mostly my brain hates me and will tell me that I'm alone and should struggle through alone because why would anybody want to help me. I'm not big in fandom. I don't post often. My anxiety gets the better of me most of the time.

But, if people need me I will be there for them. In whatever capacity I'm able to at the time.

I'm not saying this next bit to try and make people help me. I know how much everyone is struggling at the minute. But a few years ago I helped a couple of people in fandome out financially when they needed help, and I did that because at the time I was able to help them financially. I had the means to and was happy to do so without any expectations of receiving anything in return.

And that was fine. But then covid hit me hard. I don't think I was close to dying, even though it sure felt like it, but it has played havoc with me since catching it in Feb of 2021. My health has declined and I have been in and out of hospital for tests, and my mental health is pretty much in the gutter everyday. Some days are better than others but most are terrible mental health wise.

I have also gone through a tough period with my work. I took what seemed like the perfect opportunity for me at a new workplace and it was possibly one of the worst decisions I've made. Since then I have had a period of unemployment, and a job where the management were actively bullying their staff and because I wanted no part of it and stood up for the staff against the management I put myself in the firing line and was bullied myself till I made the decision to leave when a position opened up at my original workplace. All of this has resulted in me losing a chunk of money each month as I have had to take a paycut, whilst the cost of living has and continues to increase dramatically (hence me understanding we are all struggling). My tax codes have been all over the place as well and that won't get sorted until May.

Needless to say it has been a struggle where I have lost friends, health, mental health, and a lot of hope for any kind of future going forwards. So I am now reaching out for a bit of help to get me through the next few months.

If anybody is able and willing to help that would be amazing, but I do understand that this may not be a possibility. But if anybody is able to help my cashapp is £echosheart (that has to be the pound symbol £ as I'm in the UK) and my ko-fi is ko-fi.com/thewolfatmydoor

I also paint and write so would be happy to do some art or write something for any of you if you would like that.

So anyway. Thank you for reading all this, I really appreciate it.

[snootlestheangel]

This is a big rant thats mostly related to Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red (one of my wips) but it kinda touches on some personal things

Anyways!

The topic of Silence is Golden being one of my personal favorites of my works but having no interaction on tumblr kinda sucks.

In other words, here's what I picture happens with Silence is Golden.

I am like a little kid that has drawn something and is super duper proud of it and really wants to show it off to everyone.

But everyone maybe spares a glance, if that, and goes about their day.

It hurts and it sucks, especially when I put a lot of effort into it and I want recognition for that.

HOWEVER

That being said, I am still proud of my work. I still love it and it's still my special little thing. I love when people take the time to see it, but I don't want anyone to feel forced with it.

SIGBCAR has become like an extension of my real life feelings because I'm autistic enough that I have a genuinely hard time with emotions and processing those.

My job is a rather thankless job. I definitely get told by a lot of people that what I'm doing is incredible and so good, but it's meant as a generic "all shelter workers are saints" type of thing.

I am very proud of how well I'm doing despite only having been there going on 4 months now. And I can handle not being praised or even remotely shown gratitude for my hard work. It's expected and I'm mature enough to know thats not how the world works.

But some days are harder than others.

Days like when its suddenly decided your little sister can get a cat. Days like when you're reminded that when you told your dad "I might need an emotional support animal in a year when I go to school out of state." Only to be basically told "no". Days when you're reminded you dropped out of college because your mental health was in the gutter and you had to put your cat down a week after you came home. Days when you're reminded that you were expected to start working pretty soon afterwards because you needed a plan so you didn't end up like your older sister had been when she dropped out.

Days when your little sister gets a cat because her boyfriend is going off to the military. Days you're reminded your dad basically told you to make friends but doesn't do the same to your sister.

That the above situation is so outside of fair that you've not even fully processed it.

So I have put these emotions into a fic. Is it healthy? Absolutely not.

Is this simply a rant to get some things off my chest? Absolutely yes

Is this me trying to tell people to read Silence is Golden? NO IT IS NOT

I want people reading it because they want to, not because they feel guilty for anything.

[lexiwright]

Night out

Benny watts x reader

I'm so so so sorry this to so long to come out. I had planned it to be out for new year and then I kept changing my mind so it may not seem like it makes sense apologizes, I'm also promptly moving tomorrow. I literally was told my parents couldn't handle me and my mental health anymore and am not getting kicked out just ( space for everyone ) so yea I'm feeling very low and just so no one wonders why the next one will probably take so long. I'll be living with my real mum who has her own issues too so we will see

Trigger warning - slight alcohol miss use. Slight drunken abuse (not from benny he would never.)

Some cuddles and fluff

Prompt - ”Can you please come and get me ”

--------

It had been a less than successful night. Your sure others wouldn't agree but you sat next to a gutter at the side of a very quiet road in front of a building of which merely hours ago you had been drinking aside friends in had drunk adults spilling from the door as everyone came and went.

Your arms wrapped tightly around yourself, you glanced around and spotted a payphone a little down the street. Pulling yourself off the ground and reaching for your bag you stumble your way away from the slow rumbling music that clung around the door from inside. It got distant and you fell into the booth.

You thought about how the night had started. The party had been on everyones mind for days. You were going with cleo and the boys. Beth was even gonna meet you guys there. Who was in New York for a few days, staying in a hotel a few blocks from the party. Although she didn't stay long, trying to keep sober.

You guys had got there around 11. In time for the beginning of shots being pasted around. Which you off course accepted. Kick starting the night with some vodka.

All went well for a few hours, by about 2 you'd put back your fair share of drink. And that's when it started to hit you. You weren't a stranger to the results of alcohol tho and kept going like it was nothing.

But apparently your uneven walking had caught the attention of some...less than pleasant individuals. They had tried talking to you before and you just ignored them. They had a look in their eyes that you weren't comfortable with so you didn't dwell on them.

But they had dwelled on you it seemed. They noticed as your balance had started to wobble. Quite possibly noticing when your words all slurred together. And definitely when you stumbled in front of them as you had unsuccessfully attempted to step past one of them. But there was no call for the man to grab you. And not in a way to help you balance. You told him to let go. But his hands had other ideas. You tried to pull his hands off of you and your not sure what happened next but he slapped you.

You probably did something wrong you thought. You always screw things up.

Some words were exchanged and you rushed out. Not after kneeling him in a not so nice place. he tried to grab you. Ripping the shoulder of your one straps. It was a cheap dress but now you had to make sure you help up the strap just in case.

You felt humiliated and your face hurt.

You found some money in your bag, next to some mint gum that you decided was a higher priority.

Benny hadn't come to the party. He thought it sounded stupid. And when you had stepped out of your room into the middle of the apartment he looked at you and snorted.

” what do you expect to get in that get up?” he asked suggestively.

You didn't think anything of it and giggled at him. But now you thought maybe it truly was your fault an that you seemed like you were asking for it.

Shaking your head to clear it of such thoughts. Which made the small booth spin a little but you stuck with it. Putting in the coins and trying to remember the right numbers for the house. You felt sick as you listened for the click of the phone being a answered and a harsh voice on the other end speaking.

”hello?”

It was Benny. Hopefully you hadn't woke him.

” Benny?” you whispered out. Realising you had to speak

” Y/N?” he questioned. Voice softening a little.

You twirled the cable as you stared at your shaking hand.

Your throat seemed to close up as you looked for the words. To explain how drunk you had got. To explain what the men tried to do to you. Why you hadn't come home yet even though it was now 3.

” Y/N what's the matter” he asked sternly.

Your eyes pricked with sudden tears and with a slight choke you sobbed out.

”Can you please come and get me ”

”what happened where are the others?” he seemed startled

” I don't know. I'm sorry. Please Benny.”

There was a split second of silence and then

” I'm coming to get you stay right where you are. ” and then another click.

You waited. Felt like a life time. You thought about a lot of things. Part of you was worried Benny wouldn't come. That he would leave you here. You struggled to keep your self balanced so you went over to a step and sat down. Put your head in your hands with your elbows resting on your thighs.

You sighed. Maybe you should find your own way. You sat up and ran your fingers through your hair.

It wasn't to long before a taxi pulled up in front of you and outstepped a slightly frustrated looking Benny.

His hair askew and a loose black shirt, he took a few long strides to reach you.

Looking up you giggled at how tall he looked. Sighing at your antics he held out a hand and began to pull you too your feet.

Wobbling considerably you made it to an upright position and with a long arm around your waist you stumbled your way to the taxi.

You some how got in. A testament to what a person would do to get away from a party.

You could tell he hadn't noticed your strap or face yet, you had concealed it well. Somehow.

Time didn’t work for you so you’ve no idea how long it took to get home. But when you did benny got out first to open the door for you and pay the driver.

Thanking the man. He shut the car door and watched for a second as it pulled away before turning his attention to the more presssing matter of the drunking idiot before him. Giggling at a joke he obviously missed.

He noticed your face. You saw the moment he did and he stepped closer. Enough to see the outline of a hand.

This was when Benny realised there was a little more to this story of you just getting blitzed as he, for the first time took in your appearance, clocking the strap you were holding up with your arms folded.

A hint of rage passed through him before he calmed and took your hand to get you inside. You were barely three steps into the building befor you asked

“How am I supposed to get down the stairs”

Slurring lightly.

He sighed. Not for the last time and leaned down to hoist you into his arms and proceeded with caution as he walked with you. You giggled some more as you wrapped your arms around his neck, hugging into him.

You were drained. And you wanted to sleep. Leaning your face into his neck you've never felt safer.

When he reached the bottom he placed you down gently and unlocked the door to let you both in. This time just holding you round the waist as you wobbled down the small set of stairs. He then pulled you to the sofa and sat you down.

After doing the usually after drinks things like water and getting you a jumper and some shorts of his he then sat next to you and spoke for the first time since you's had got in.

”are you going to tell me what happened?” he gently pushed. Not wanting to push you over the limit but he was concerned.

Your face fell and you nodded a little and told him very roughly but enough that he understood what had happened. He was angry, to say the least, but knew there was nothing he could do about the disrespectful toad roaming the streets. So he settled to offer you an open arm for you to cuddle into him. You of course jumped at the offer and snuggled into the warm man.

You didn't want to go to bed and Benny knew that. Knowing you'd not have the effort to get up and both being quite comfortable where you both remained.

You spotted a book on the coffee table and looked up at Benny with puppy dog eye that you knew he couldn't refuse.

” will you read to me?” you pleaded.

He chuckled and lent forward to retrieve the book. It happened to be the hobbit. ( I know it's not for everyone but I know it's written before Benny time so apologies please roll with it)

As he started to read chapter one an unexpected party and began describing the hobbit hole. You felt yourself begin to doze off to the soothing tones and his other hand rubbing soft circles on your upper arm.

It wasn't how the night had supposed to go but you were with him now and you felt protected. Knowing he came to your aid.

(with regards to the slap Yes I know this is a little unrealistic it lasting that long but I once got one that lasted a few hours ( I’m not being hit just to clarify it was a joke with some pals who one of them was telling me about a slap match to see how much he could take and the other we were with friend had really went for it and it was actually shockingly sore and my drunk ass went I can take it and he was reluctant at first and then went to go and did it before stating that was hadn’t been hard enough and went again even harder and it left quite a mark and we all laughed so ya. ) but just pretend if you don’t think it would )

[death---dealer]

So my... I guess he would be my boyfriend, but we're kind of open on that right now, and i have been trying to work on things to see if we can salvage anything from the relationship but over the last few weeks, as I have been staying with my brother, I've realized that there's nothing to fix anymore. I gave him a choice ; either pull your shit together or I'm leaving permenantly and while he has gotten some things in order, I feel like he completely missed the mark on what I actually meant when I talked to him about it.

Now mind you, I broke up with him two months ago, he guilted me into staying with sweet promises that he was going to work on himself, that he was going to be a better version of himself for me because that's what I deserved. But, when I brought it up two weeks ago, he got angry at me and accused me of things like ; cheating when we were still together, trying to intentionally get pregnant though I've expressed many times that the chances of me having children is low, considering I only have one ovary and I have terrible endometriosis. ( This is a very touchy subject for me and it's something he brings up intentionally knowing how it makes me feel. )

I essentially told him that he was extremely narcissistic and I couldn't stand to be around such pessimisim and negativity any more and I left to stay at my brothers house. He denied that; called me narcissistic and that I was only thinking of myself in the relationship and made me cry and has really been dragging my mental health down the gutters.

I don't know if you guys know, but I was doing really well for myself late 2019 and early last year. I was really self-confident, I was content and happy but ever since we started dating in March 2020, things just turned on their head and my depression has sunk to an all time low and he just constantly throws that in my face because it's something he refuses to understand though I've expressed how much I wished he'd at least listen.

Like, I have good days and I have bad days and recently with the way things are, I've been having more bad days than good days. Terrible days where I can't seem to handle basic functions like doing my laundry, or eating, or sleeping and he gets MAD at me instead of trying to understand where I'm coming from and the whole gaslighting is really running me down to the point where I feel like I am stuck.

I was the one who gave him an ultimatum because he constantly made me feel guilty for trying to leave in the first place but now I need to leave for my own health, but all of my things are at his place and he threatened to throw it all out if I were to leave, he keeps guilting me into staying because he yells at me or he points out my flaws or tells me that I'm expecting a perfect relationship and that he's the best I'll ever get so I might as well just stay. Am I really expecting that or am I just expecting to be treated the way I think I deserve? Idk, we started dating almost a year ago and I was working on myself to be the best for myself and for him but he didn't even bother trying to work on himself of the relationship until a month ago. So anyway. This is my situation. Some advice would be great, I just want to cry. I'm so stuck, my depression is kicking my ass, my self-esteem isn't there anymore and I don't know how to proceed.

[fuzzywitchsoul]

They Had Mild Covid. Then Their Serious Symptoms Kicked In.

Pam Belluck is a health and science writer whose honors include sharing a Pulitzer Prize and winning the Nellie Bly Award for Best Front Page Story. She is the author of Island Practice, a book about an unusual doctor. @PamBelluckMs. Khan said that she experienced “heart palpitations if I just got up to open the curtains.” Her cardiologist said she was the fifth previously healthy young person to walk into his office that week. In the beginning, her fatigue was so severe that walking two or three laps around her 600-square-foot apartment would exhaust her for the rest of the day. In addition, she said that she had “really intense mood fluctuations that don’t feel like they’re mine.”“Waking up every day in this body, sometimes hope feels a little dangerous,” said Ms. Khan, who will soon start the cognitive rehab program. “I have to wonder: Am I going to recover, or am I going to just figure out how to live with my new brain?”In his job, “my clients would tell me things like a passcode or an address and I couldn’t remember it,” he said.At Mr. Palacios’s first appointment with the Northwestern clinic, “I did the cognitive tests, and I failed them all,” he said. On a return visit, he did another battery of tests, he said, “and I didn’t do so hot on that, either.”Mr. Palacios was referred for cognitive rehab at a long-established program in Chicago that helps give patients strategies to manage and improve memory, organizational and cognitive difficulties. But he didn’t go, he said, because “I completely forgot.” He plans to go now.In the Northwestern study, 43 percent of the patients had depression before having Covid-19; 16 percent had previous autoimmune diseases, the same percentage of patients who had previous lung disease or had struggled with insomnia.Experts cautioned that because the study was relatively small, these pre-existing conditions might or might not be representative of all long-term patients. “We are all seeing very small pieces of the elephant in terms of the long Covid group,” Dr. Bell said. “Some of us are seeing tail; some of us are seeing trunk.”Along with neurological symptoms, 85 percent of the patients were experiencing fatigue, and nearly half had shortness of breath. Some also had chest pain, gastrointestinal symptoms, variable heart rate or blood pressure. Nearly half of the participants were experiencing depression or anxiety.“I was cleaning my gutters and I forgot where I was, I forgot what I was doing on the roof,” Mr. Palacios said. When he remembered, he added, the idea of doing “something as simple as climbing on a ladder all of a sudden became a mountain.”Dr. Allison P. Navis, a neuro-infectious disease specialist at Mount Sinai Health System in New York City who was not involved in the study, said that about 75 percent of her 200 post-Covid patients were experiencing issues like “depression, anxiety, irritability or some mood symptoms.”Participants in the study were overwhelmingly white, and 70 percent were women. Dr. Navis and others said that the lack of diversity quite likely reflected the demographics of people able to seek care relatively early in the pandemic rather than the full spectrum of people affected by post-Covid neurological symptoms.“Especially in New York City, the majority of patients who got sick with Covid are people of color and Medicaid patients, and that’s absolutely not the patients one sees at the post-Covid center,” Dr. Navis said. “The majority of patients are white, often they have private insurance, and I think we have to figure out a little bit more what’s going on there with those disparities — if it’s purely just a lack of access or are symptoms being dismissed in people of color or if it’s something else.”In the Northwestern study, Dr. Koralnik said that because coronavirus testing was difficult to obtain early in the pandemic, only half of the participants had tested positive for the coronavirus, but all had the initial physical symptoms of Covid-19. The study found very little difference between those who had tested positive and those who had not. Dr. Koralnik said that those who tested negative tended to contact the clinic about a month later in the course of the disease than those who tested positive, possibly because some had spent weeks being evaluated or trying to have their problems addressed by other doctors.Ms. Khan was among the participants who had a negative test for the virus, but she said she later tested positive for coronavirus antibodies, proof that she had been infected.Another study participant, Eddie Palacios, 50, a commercial real estate broker who lives in Naperville, a Chicago suburb, tested positive for the coronavirus in the fall, experiencing only a headache and loss of taste and smell. But “a month later, things changed,” he said.Across the country, doctors who are treating people with post-Covid neurological symptoms say the study’s findings echo what they have been seeing.“We need to take this seriously,” said Dr. Kathleen Bell, the chairwoman of the physical medicine and rehabilitation department at the University Texas Southwestern Medical Center, who was not involved in the new study. “We can either let people get worse and the situation gets more complicated, or we can really realize that we have a crisis.”Dr. Bell and Dr. Koralnik said many of the symptoms resembled those of people who had concussions or traumatic brain injuries or who had mental fogginess after chemotherapy.In the case of Covid, Dr. Bell said, experts believe that the symptoms are caused by “an inflammatory reaction to the virus” that can affect the brain as well as the rest of the body. And it makes sense that some people experience multiple neurological symptoms simultaneously or in clusters, Dr. Bell said, because “there’s only so much real estate in the brain, and there’s a lot of overlap” in regions responsible for different brain functions.“If you have inflammation disturbances,” she said, “you can very well have cognitive effects and things like emotional effects. It’s really hard to have one neurological problem without having multiple.”In the Northwestern study, many experienced symptoms that fluctuated or persisted for months. Most improved over time, but there was wide variation. “Some people after two months are 95 percent recovered, while some people after nine months are only 10 percent recovered,” said Dr. Koralnik. Five months after contracting the virus, patients estimated, they felt on average only 64 percent recovered.The study of 100 patients from 21 states, published on Tuesday in The Annals of Clinical and Translational Neurology, found that 85 percent of them experienced four or more neurological issues like brain fog, headaches, tingling, muscle pain and dizziness.“We are seeing people who are really highly, highly functional individuals, used to multitasking all the time and being on top of their game, but, all of a sudden, it’s really a struggle for them,” said Dr. Igor J. Koralnik, the chief of neuro-infectious diseases and global neurology at Northwestern Medicine, who oversees the clinic and is the senior author of the study.The report, in which the average patient age was 43, underscores the emerging understanding that for many people, long Covid can be worse than their initial bouts with the infection, with a stubborn and complex array of symptoms.This month, a study that analyzed electronic medical records in California found that nearly a third of the people struggling with long Covid symptoms — like shortness of breath, cough and abdominal pain — did not have any signs of illness in the first 10 days after they tested positive for the coronavirus. Surveys by patient-led groups have also found that many Covid survivors with long-term symptoms were never hospitalized for the disease.A new study illuminates the complex array of neurological issues experienced by people months after their coronavirus infections.

In the fall, after Samar Khan came down with a mild case of Covid-19, she expected to recover and return to her previous energetic life in Chicago. After all, she was just 25, and healthy.

But weeks later, she said, “this weird constellation of symptoms began to set in.”

She had blurred vision encircled with strange halos. She had ringing in her ears, and everything began to smell like cigarettes or Lysol. One leg started to tingle, and her hands would tremble while putting on eyeliner.

She also developed “really intense brain fog,” she said. Trying to concentrate on a call for her job in financial services, she felt as if she had just come out of anesthesia. And during a debate about politics with her husband, Zayd Hayani, “I didn’t remember what I was trying to say or what my stance was,” she said.

By the end of the year, Ms. Khan was referred to a special clinic for Covid-related neurological symptoms at Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago, which has been evaluating and counseling hundreds of people from across the country who are experiencing similar problems.

Now, the clinic, which sees about 60 new patients a month, in-person and via telemedicine, has published the first study focused on long-term neurological symptoms in people who were never physically sick enough from Covid-19 to need hospitalization, including Ms. Khan.

[beerecordings]

Bee, do you have bastard cats au fluff? Please? Do the kitties know that chase loves them very much? You don’t have to answer but I’d appreciate it

yes of course my friend!! ninja if you want something in specific i will even write u a lil fic or something you just let me know!! also i am always up for talking about my kitty boys but i never do without prompting haha. okay let’s see what we got

Chase used to think cats were a little like girly - like he didn’t look down on women with cats or anything like that but he just always thought his friends would kind of make fun of him if he was like a cat guy so he was always like “uhh yeah i like dogs” even though really he likes soft squishy warm cats

but then he meets Jack and Anti and OHHH MY GOSH HE LOVES CATS SO MUCH??? he ends up staying with the two of them for a while after the divorce and he’s all sad and crying a lot and he won’t always let Jack comfort him so Jack like scoops up Anti and he’s like “buddy I got a special mission for you” and slips Anti into Chase’s room and like… Anti is not a comforting cat lmao but just having him there running around is stimulating for Chase… and then sometimes Anti gives up the ghost and comes and sits purring on Chase’s chest while he cries and Chase rubs his warm soft ears and loves him so much and Anti’s like “okay this guy’s okay, whatever” and lets him

after that Chase NEEDS his kitty fix so he starts volunteering at an animal shelter and just PETTING CATS FOR HOURS YEHHHHH but then holy cow. holy cow. holy cow Jackie

he is the most perfect beautiful cat Chase has ever seen and yes Jackie has some neurological problems and tends to run into walls and get over-excited and stuff and nobody really wants him but Chase - oh, Chase sees him all sad and lonely in his cage and as soon as he opens it up Jackie is the friendliest cat ever to live, charging at Chase and shoving himself into his chest, begging to be petted, cause no matter how many times humans screw him over, Jackie doesn’t care, he’s such a loving cat and Chase doesn’t know why he’s crying but he loves Jackie, he loves him, he can’t leave him here, this is HIS cat and he scoops him up and kisses him and brings him home

Jackie is SOOO HAPPY YESSSS HUMAN ADOPTED HIMMMMMM THIS IS THE DREAMMM

He wakes Chase up with kisses every morning and Chase gives him a big hug and Jackie purrs and purrs. He grows out of awkward little teen cat into BIG BIG BIG RED BOY WITH FUR EVERYWHEREEE just unbelievable fuzz

and yes, yes, yes, he knows Chase loves him, never doubts it for a second, cause Jackie is the warmest cat in the world and Chase is the one who refills his bowl and lets him have bits of his dinner and holds him in his lap and pets him and loves him all the time and Jackie knows, Jackie knows. so he is always trying to love on Chase right back, kissing and arching his spine up beneath his hands and sitting with him when he’s sick or sad, putting his lil paw on Chase’s face and looking him dead in the eye, like sometimes he’s just trying to say it out loud, “I love you dude!!!!!” and Chase just squishes him to his belly and tells him he loves him too against his fur

Jackie is BIG PROTECTIVE of Chase and he WILL fight dogs to keep him safe (but Chase never gives him the chance lol)

Marvin is a surprise kitty cause one of Chase’s aunts leaves him to Chase in her will and Chase is like “you can LEAVE cats to people?” and the answer is yes if that cat is a snow-white show cat worth like three thousand dollars

Chase can’t sell him though because Marvin is the proudest, sassiest, most lovely little cat and Chase adores him from the second he gets his hands on him. Marvin loves walking all over Chase’s chest and pretending he’s not looking at him and ignoring Jackie’s antics because he is too dignified for that - okay maybe he will chase the laser pointer for just one second -

when Marvin gives Chase affection, it’s like being blessed by a picky god, and Chase just closes his eyes and lies back while Marvin steps over all prissy and perfect and bestows gentle headbumps and kneads his claws into his chest

Chase: THE PAIN IS WORTH ITTTTT ily Marvvvv

and Marvin is stepping around all proud like “duh of course you do I’m perfect” (but really he is very nice kitty and very polite and folds his paws and does not beg and always brings Chase dead leaves as presents because he is such a gentleman and so clever, as Chase tells him endlessly

Jackie and Marv always sleep halfway on top of each other and fully on top of Chase. Jackie snores. Chase is so exasperated and he whispers “dumb-ass” and strokes his head and when he wakes up every morning he gets either paws in his face or two happy kitties mirroring each other on his chest, purring with their eyes closed, and he is Happy

Chase, hugging his kitties: thank you for the dopamine tiny babies

After Chase adopts Henrik he does in fact start to get teased a little by his friends but then he’s like wait a second…. i don’t need less cats… i need BETTER FRIENDS SCREW U ZACH DR. HENRIK VON SCHNEEPLESTEIN HAS DONE MORE FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH THAN YOU EVER HAVE AND YES THAT IS HIS LEGAL NAME HE HAS THREE PHDS

Schneep is. VERY MEAN at first actually. When he came into the shelter all torn up (they think a dog got him) he was so gross and sick and flea-covered that no one else really gave him much attention, and he would just lie at the back of his cage wheezing and trying to growl. Chase would pet him, though, and Henrik would just melt and slump down in his arms, too tired to purr, just staring up at Chase like he was begging for help. Everybody told Chase Henrik would die, but he didn’t. Chase had to bring him home

Henrik was very untrusting and angry and hurting and getting in fights with Jackie and Marvin for a few weeks, but Chase just tried to give him space and love and reward him for even the smallest attempts at being sociable, and finally there was this day where Henrik just… broke for Chase. came to him crying and trying to purr and begging for attention and Chase just started crying too and picked him up and loved on him for hours.

now Henrik is a HEALTHY HAPPY SNARKY KITTY always going >:3 and Chase is just his favorite person ever and he hates just about everybody but Chase. he is Chase’s loyal little boy and whenever Chase is feeling bad Henrik seems to be able to tell, cause he’ll follow Chase around like meowing at him, and Chase like gives him a voice and pretends his little doctor is reminding him to take his medicine and everything

also no offense to Jackie and Marv but. Henrik is like. way smarter than them adkfnkdgd he won’t do tricks but he has learned things like he’s not allowed to sit in Chase’s lap when the red light is on the camera, but he can when it isn’t, which Chase just thinks is?? ridiculously smart for a cat?? he’s not sure though

when Jack goes into his coma, it’s one of the hardest times in Chase’s life, and he’s such a mess and can’t focus on anything. but Anti needs him, and so do the other cats. even on his worst days, he finds himself dragging himself out of bed to refill everybody’s food and scoop Anti up before he can start yowling for Jack and crying again. sometimes he can even get up the strength to play with him for a little while, trying to take his mind off his missing owner.

he probably wouldn’t have survived it without his cats, in retrospect. Jackie keeps batting things in front of his face and going :DDD trying to cheer him up, and Marvin’s flaunting his big bushy tail all around the house, brushing on Chase’s legs and face and meowing politely, thanking Chase every time he feeds him. Henrik keeps leading Chase into the kitchen and Chase is too tired to argue with him so he’s like “you want a snack, sweetie? You can have anything you want” and gets the fridge open, but Henrik is just staring pointedly at the leftovers on the top shelf and Chase is like… “i think this cat wants me to eat” so for Henrik’s sake he tries

Anti misses Jack…. but Chase is the one who looks after him now. so he’s gone from his owner, and he’ll always miss him, but… he’s okay, you know? he’s not hurt or hungry or lonely. he’s okay, just like Jack would want him to be. he knows Chase loves him because even when he is a huge troublemaker and throwing a tantrum and trying to be a bastard just because he’s sad and angry, Chase is still gentle with him, Chase forgives him and lets him pretend to hate him only to slink onto the end of his bed late at night….. yeah, Chase loves Anti and Anti knows it. Anti loves him too, though that’s hard to see for just about anybody but Chase himself

and things are okay, they’re holding on, they’re surviving. Chase is trying to keep his head up, but there’s a long time where it feels like Jack and the cats are all he can think about, and even they kind of make him sad, because they remind him of Jack and make him think he’s been a horrible owner, never able to spend enough time on them when he’s on his down days. he needs something to pour his energy and love into, something to distract him from everything, something new

and there he is - the perfect baby boy

Jamie is a tiny, tiny, tiny kitty who’s been living on the streets for all of his short life and Chase falls in love with him. he finds him in the gutter a couple blocks down the street - no one else has noticed because Jamie can barely meow, this tiny little whisper-cry - but Chase sees him. he spends three hours trying to get Jamie out of there. afterwards he has this filthy, mostly-blind, malnourished, stinking baby cat who needs him desperately, and there’s no going back after that. there’s no giving Jamie away.

and Jamie love him very much. he seems to know that Chase saved him. he is very tired and weak his first few months and he never gets to be very big - in fact, he will always be a tiny little cat - but Chase thinks he’s the most perfect, beautiful little thing he’s ever seen, and he spends hours nursing him and flattering him and telling him he loves him. Jamie gives him his tiny half-mew and chews on his fingers. he can’t much purr, but Chase recognizes the little coughs and chest-sighs he gives off as his best attempts at it

the other cats are like “BABY????”

Jackie tries to teach him cat kung-fu, jumping around the walls at three am in the morning. Marvin tries to teach him MANNERS in the midst of all these hooligans (Jamie is very polite too in the end but also just as chaotic as his biggest brother). Henrik is!!! very!! hecking!!! concerned for this sick little infant!!! he is licking Jamie all matter-of-factly and rumbling at him like he’s telling him to get better (once Chase catches Henrik carrying Jameson by his baby scruff to sit on HIS bed instead of the couch, but that is a secret because HENRIK VON SCHNEEPLESTEIN DOES NOT SHOW ZE OTHER KITTIES AFFECTION)

Jameson imprints on Chase and follows him around the house like a duckling on tiny kitten paws. it is hard for him because he can’t see well, so Chase starts singing around the house a lot. eventually the cats all learn that this means he is probably not busy and might give them some pets or snacks if they come, so he starts humming and cats converge on him like he’s catnip, with tiny Jamie tottering along behind them or hanging out of Jackie’s mouth like he’s bringing Chase a present

Chase narrates Henrik as German, Jamie as British, Marvin and Jackie as Irish twins, and Anti as SCREECH

he just. he just loves them so much. he knows it’s maybe a little silly to have five cats but he just… loves them. they’re so important. they’re so real to him. they’re not just pets, these are his little buds. he takes care of them and they take care of him.

he comforts them at the vet. they steal his whiskey when he’s not looking. he puts a little bow around Marvin’s neck. Marvin spends two hours purring on his chest when he’s crying the next day. he plays games with them. they hide his socks and make him look for them. and damn, he’s got so many good memories with these little dorks…. Jackie getting stuck in the kitchen drawer, Marvin getting scared by the thunderstorm and needing a hug, splashing Henrik in the face when he got all curious about the kitchen sink, the first time Anti snuggled up with him, Jamie licking gently at his hands while he sat up all night with him just to keep him alive….

They’re his buddies. He loves them. They know. They knew all along. Cats are clever. They know. They won’t forget. They love him too

[magnustesla]

Kakairu Fanfic - If You Fall, I Will Catch You

Rating: Explicit

Content Warning: Mental health issues, explicit sex

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Cuddles, Injury Recovery, Non Penetrative Sex, Frottage, Rimming, Established Relationship, Light Angst, Panic Attacks

Short Chapter Excerpt: Iruka may have fallen back to sleep, lulled by the gentle sound of water running from Kakashi's shower but, it was not a pleasant sleep. He was plagued by a nightmare that felt like it was never ever going to go away, constantly stuck in a loop, replaying that fateful evening over and over as though he were trapped in a cruel genjutsu.

Fanart by @i-drive-a-nii-san

Read the whole fic below this cut:

The morning light trickled into the bedroom, creeping through the gap in the curtains, slowly making its way across Iruka's pillow, reflecting off his dark chocolate strands of hair before settling over his face as the morning sun rose up into the sky.

Iruka scrunched his eyes shut even tighter, pressing his face further into the pillow, trying to keep the sun out of his eyes. “Hmnn, too early. Kashi?” he mumbled quietly into his pillow. “Are you awake?”

No answer.

Turning his head, he looked over to where Kakashi slept, where he should be right now. Iruka furrowed his brows and just before he was about to start panicking, he heard the distinct sound of water running in the bathroom.

Calm down Iruka. He's just gone for a shower. You're okay and you're safe. He let out a breath that he didn't realise he was even holding and let the sound of running water calm his frayed nerves as he drifted back off to sleep.

****

Iruka may have fallen back to sleep, lulled by the gentle sound of water running from Kakashi's shower but, it was not a pleasant sleep. He was plagued by a nightmare that felt like it was never ever going to go away, constantly stuck in a loop, replaying that fateful evening over and over as though he were trapped in a cruel genjutsu.

Everything felt so real. The cool evening breeze blowing over his skin, the sharp sting of kunai biting into flesh. And the absolute horror and fear as he surged forward to cover Naruto as the giant fuma shuriken embedded itself into his spine.

And then, he screamed.

“Iruka…”

As he came to and realised he was being held down, panic set in. Iruka felt like he couldn't breathe, as though something was constricting around his chest getting tighter and tighter on each exhale. Where's Kakashi? H... He promised he'd always be here. A strangled sob escaped his throat and then the tears started to fall. All he could hear was the sound of his heart rapidly thumping and then… singing, a soft voice cut through the haze of panic and the sound of blood rushing in his ears.

“Can you save me now? I am with you, I will carry you through it all.”

Iruka took a shuddering breath and felt calm washing over him. He knew that voice.

“I won't leave you, I will catch you, when you feel like letting go…”

He felt fingers carefully carding through his hair as he listened to that beautiful voice. Kakashi. He was with right there with Iruka, catching him and helping him through his trauma.

“Because you're not, you're not alone…,” Kakashi sang gently. “I'm here, Ru. Always.”

Turning his head towards the voice, Iruka looked through teary eyes and up into the face of his fiance who continued stroking his hair, smiling softly. Warmth flooded Iruka's veins upon seeing that smile, the panic and tension completely washing away, leaving his body feeling tired and absolutely wrung out.

“Kashi, I-” Iruka hiccuped, his hands clutching desperately at Kakashi's top. “I'm sorry.”

“Why are you apologising, Ru? You don't have anything to be sorry for.” Kakashi cupped Iruka’s face, gently brushing away the tears with his thumbs as they began to fall again. “Shhh, it’s okay.”

Iruka tried to push up onto his elbows, wanting a kiss but, the searing pain along his back stopped him in his tracks, making him wince.

“Iruka, stop moving. You might tear your incision if you haven't already. Lay still and let me look,” Kakashi ordered, pulling up Iruka's pajama top to expose the injury.

“Is it okay, Kakashi?” Iruka asked. He felt Kakashi tense up behind him, killing intent suddenly flooding the bedroom and then vanishing just as quick.

“Not quite,” he ground out, clearly trying to keep his voice level whilst he assessed the small amount of damage that Iruka had done during his panic attack. “The wound has reopened slightly in the middle but, the staples are still in place. I think I can heal it.” Bringing his hand directly over the wound, Kakashi let chakra flow to his hand, the green healing light of the mystical palm technique glowing softly as Iruka's skin started to knit back together.

Iruka fisted the bed sheets, a soft whine escaping his throat as he felt the healing jutsu taking effect. It had been four weeks since Mizuki had injured him and although it still hurt, the physical pain was much less than the emotional pain of betrayal. Mizuki had been his friend since they were kids and, while they had grown apart in recent years, he never once imagined that he would literally stab him in the back.

“I can hear you thinking. Stop blaming yourself, Ru. You couldn't have known that he would turn traitor. Thanks to you, Naruto is alive and safe.” Kakashi let the healing jutsu in his hand fade out. “All done. Please be careful, we don't need it opening up again.”

Kakashi pulled Iruka's pajama top back down and helped to carefully manoeuvre him over and onto his back, head propped up with soft feather pillows.

“Thanks, Kashi. Do you think Naruto is okay? I'm worried about him.”

“Maa, he's fine. I saw him yesterday at Ichiraku’s, stuffing his face. He told me to tell you that you need to get better quick so that you can take him out for ramen.”

Iruka chuckled and shook his head, a small smile gracing his tear-stained face. “Sounds about right.” And, at the mention of food, his stomach grumbled loudly.

“I'd hazard a guess that someone is hungry, ne?”

Iruka's face flushed fiercely and, try as he might, he couldn't will the blood away from his beet red cheeks. The more he tried to get his blush under control, the worse it got and before he knew it, his entire face and chest felt like it was on fire, burning with embarrassment.

A smile split Kakashi's face, both eyes crinkling in amusement. “Maa, no need to be so embarrassed. You never blush when you're enjoying me eating your-”

“Kakashi! Does your mind ever leave the gutter?”

Grinning, Kakashi shrugged his shoulders, adopting his usual slouch, and sauntered lazily out of the bedroom, heading to the kitchen to make breakfast.

The faint clanging of plates and saucepans from the kitchen had Iruka drifting into his thoughts. He would never admit it but, he enjoyed Kakashi's teasing. The man was smart, funny, and very quick-witted; something that he really enjoyed in a partner. Iruka found that very few people stimulated his mind like Kakashi.

After his parents died, the Third Hokage had taken Iruka under his wing, teaching him about everything and anything. It kept his mind busy and helped him work through his crushing depression. It was also the reason Kakashi had come into his life; accidentally catching the teen ANBU in a complex trap that he'd learned from one of the scrolls that had been gifted to him. Iruka would forever be grateful for everything that the Hokage had done for him.

The bed dipped next to Iruka, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“I made your favourite breakfast,” Kakashi said. “Miso soup, pan seared salmon and one of those oranges that you love. You know, from that little village on the border before The Land of Hot Water.” He slid the tray of food onto Iruka's lap and helped him sit up, carefully slinging an arm behind Iruka to take the strain off his still healing back.

“What would I do without you?”

“Probably starve.” Kakashi laughed, disappearing into back the kitchen and returning to sit next to Iruka with his own tray of food.

Iruka rolled his eyes and couldn't help but laugh, too. They ate in silence, Iruka occasionally stealing a sneaky glance at his fiance, eyes roaming across the pale skin on show. What did I do to deserve someone as special and beautiful as you? For as long as he was alive, Iruka fully intended to make sure that Kakashi knew how much he was loved and appreciated.

****

“It won’t stop, Kashi,” Iruka whined, desperately trying to contort himself in a way that would allow him to reach his back injury. The staples had been irritating his skin to the point where, if he could reach, he would have most likely scratched himself until he bled.

Kakashi tilted his head at Iruka’s comment, wordlessly asking him to elaborate.

“The itching,” Iruka said.

He continued frantically trying to reach behind himself when all of a sudden, calloused hands gripped his arms, tugging them both forward and pulling him against a solid chest. Iruka looked up to find to mismatched eyes glaring down at him in irritation. “I only healed that an hour ago, Ru,” Kakashi grumbled, his deep voice rumbling in obvious displeasure.

“Why couldn't Tsunade have just healed the entire thing with chakra? The staples are irritating and itching so much,” Iruka complained, pouting and looking every bit like a scolded child.

“You know why, Ru. It's better for your body to finish the rest of the healing rather than rely on chakra for the entire thing,” Kakashi said as he brushed Iruka’s hair back and placed a soft kiss to his forehead.

Iruka understood the reasoning. After all, he had spent a lot of time caring for Kakashi due to the number of injuries he had sustained over the years. But, despite that, being forced to rest, unable to do anything for himself was a huge loss of independence. Sure, Kakashi had been more than happy to help and seemed to enjoy fussing over him but, he couldn’t help feeling like a burden.

With a sigh, Kakashi released Iruka and leaned over to his side of the bed, rummaging through his nightstand. “Hmmm, where is it? I'm sure I put it in here,” he said, sounding irritated.

“Where’s what?” Iruka asked, trying to peek over Kakashi’s shoulder at what he was searching for.

“My jar of healing cream. Ah found it! Now, strip down to your underwear and get on your stomach,” Kakashi demanded, a small smirk on his face.

Iruka started pulling his clothes off, first sliding his sleep shorts down his thighs, then kicking them to the floor in a heap. He went to take his pajama top off but paused, his breath quickening. Kakashi had seen his body after being taken to hospital but, he'd mostly been covered by bandages. He had only seen Iruka's back for the second time this morning.

The night that Mizuki had attacked him, it hadn't just been with the giant fuma shuriken. Dozens of kunai, some poisoned, had pierced his skin, leaving behind many deep, red, angry scars that littered his entire body, especially his arms, stomach, and back. A few of the wounds had become necrotic from the poison, eating away at his flesh and needing debridement, leaving extensive scarring behind.

Iruka's mouth was suddenly very dry, his stomach lurching and breakfast threatening to make a reappearance. He knew what his body looked like now and had been disgusted by what he’d seen. What if Kakashi was disgusted, too?

His heart started racing, hands shaking and clutching at the hem of his pajama top as though it were his only lifeline. Suddenly, there were warm hands on his, gently easing his grip and lacing their fingers together.

“I could never be disgusted, Ru.”

Shit. Had he said that out loud?

“Scars don't matter. They are a part of you and there isn't anything about you that I don't love. You're beautiful to me and nothing will ever change that,” Kakashi whispered and brought Iruka's hand up to his mouth, lips brushing across his knuckles. He continued, pressing kisses to the scars along the inside of Iruka's forearm, right up to the inside of his elbow, hot breath fanning across the sensitive skin.

Iruka's breath hitched and his eyes fluttered shut, the sensation going straight to his groin. Never would he have thought that the inside of his elbow could be an erogenous zone. He opened his eyes to find Kakashi looking at him, gaze heated, clearly enjoying the reactions he was getting. Before Iruka could say anything, Kakashi gave a predatory grin, and suddenly there was a warm, wet, tongue tracing the crease of his elbow. “Fuck,” Iruka gasped. Kakashi had barely done anything to him, and already he was so hard that it was almost painful.

“Mmmm not just yet,” Kakashi said, voice thick with arousal. He placed a wet kiss to Iruka’s arm and pulled the top up and over his head, exposing Iruka’s gorgeous bronze skin. “On your stomach, now.”

Iruka didn’t need to be told twice and he settled down on his front, head resting on the pillow underneath. He could practically feel Kakashi’s gaze roving over his trembling body.

Kakashi leaned back on his knees, opened the jar and dipped his fingers in before returning it to the nightstand. He straddled Iruka's hips and carefully applied the cream, tracing the edges of the wound and making sure to be mindful of the staples holding the delicate skin together.

“It looks awful, doesn’t it?”

Sweeping Iruka’s long hair aside, Kakashi leaned forward and placed a kiss on his shoulder. “You could never-” Kakashi paused, kissing further down -”ever look awful.” He continued to place kisses down Iruka’s spine, pausing between each one to whisper all the reasons Iruka was beautiful.

Eager hands worked their way back up; sometimes gently tracing Iruka’s spine and other times, nails biting into unmarred flesh, raking down his sides followed by Kakashi’s tongue lavishing new scars. Being unable to see where Kakashi’s hands were, and where they would touch next, had Iruka on edge, his skin breaking out in goosebumps and his body quivering in anticipation.

It felt wonderful having Kakashi’s hands and tongue all over him, adding to the fire already burning, the heat simmering under his skin and curling low in his stomach. Before Iruka could stop himself he was pressing his hips into the mattress, desperate for a little friction to ease his aching cock.

“Someone's excited,” Kakashi teased, running his tongue along the shell of Iruka’s ear. He could feel Kakashi was hard as he began rolling his hips, pressing himself firmly against the cleft of Iruka’s ass.

Iruka was so turned on that he couldn't even begin to feel embarrassed as he reached one hand into his underwear, groaning as he took himself in hand.

They both rocked together on the bed, panting harshly; Iruka pushing his hips down into the mattress so he could grind into his hand and Kakashi straddling him, thrusting his clothed cock against Iruka's ass.

“Please, Kakashi,” Iruka begged, although he wasn't quite sure what for. All he could think about was how he was certain he'd burn up if he didn't get it.

Kakashi let out a groan and dropped forward onto both hands, his warm breath ghosting against the back of Iruka's neck. “We shouldn't,” he said. Although, his actions said otherwise, as he pulled Iruka's underwear off before sliding his own down, throwing them somewhere across the room along with his top and settled between Iruka's legs.

Iruka tried to push his hips back but, Kakashi pressed him back down into the mattress, gently spreading Iruka’s ass open and exposing him. He tried to voice his complaint but was silenced by the feeling of Kakashi's hot breath against his skin and then his tongue pressing firm, slow strokes against his entrance.

“Kashi!” Iruka gasped out, pushing back and fucking himself on Kakashi's tongue. “Just- fuck -needmoredeeper- ngh -yeslikethat.”

Kakashi spread Iruka's legs wider, his grip on Iruka’s ass almost bruising as he pressed his face closer, pushing his tongue deeper inside of Iruka's body and then used his lips to just suck.

Almost incoherent and sobbing with need, Iruka couldn't think beyond wanting Kakashi inside him. He so desperately wanted to be filled, stretched wide and to surrender to everything Kakashi had to give.

Kakashi pushed back onto his knees, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. Leaning back over Iruka, he thrust his throbbing cock between Iruka's ass cheeks and groaned against his neck. “You feel so good, Ru. I could come just like this.” He continued to thrust against Iruka's body, panting into his shoulder before his teeth sunk in, causing Iruka to cry out. “On your back. Now.”

Impatient hands helped Iruka roll over and just as he opened his mouth to talk, he was silenced by Kakashi greedily pushing his tongue inside as though he meant to consume him.

Moaning into the kiss, Iruka wrapped his legs around Kakashi's waist and pulled him close, grinding their hips together, enjoying the push and pull of sweat-slick skin. Kakashi pulled his mouth away and growled into Iruka's throat. He opened his mouth, laving his tongue against Iruka's pulse and sucked a mark into his skin. “Mine,” he growled.

Iruka slid his hands up Kakashi's neck and into his wild hair, winding fingers into silver strands and yanking him up and into a bruising kiss, teeth clacking together in his desperation to devour Kakashi.

With reluctance, Kakashi pulled away from the kiss and started to slide down Iruka's body. He paid attention to a couple of new scars just below Iruka’s collarbone, gently tracing them with his fingertips.

An unexpected flick of Kakashi's tongue against his nipple had Iruka gasping and pulling Kakashi's head closer. He looked down just in time to see Kakashi suck his nipple between kiss bruised lips, the sensation sending a bolt of desire straight to his cock. Iruka's hands tightened in Kakashi's hair, but instead of complaint at the pain, it pulled a throaty moan out of him, his eyelashes fluttering as his eyes rolled back in his head.

Iruka kept his tight grip on Kakashi's hair as though he was trying to anchor himself to something, anything, lest he float away. Wet kisses against heated flesh only served to fuel his desire as Kakashi continued working his way down, worshipping every new scar, slowly driving Iruka out of his head.

Hands gripped his hips and Iruka tilted them upwards, spreading his legs in wordless invitation. He took in a shuddering breath and gazed up at the sight before him - beautiful pale skin flushed pink and eyes blown wide in lust. Kakashi was so open like this, his body always honest even when he himself was not.

Reaching under his pillow, Iruka grabbed the lube and pressed the bottle into Kakashi's hand. “Please, I need you.”

He watched as Kakashi poured lube into his hand and shifted forward, their hard cocks brushing together as he wrapped a hand around them both, slicking them up and slowly stroking them together. Iruka gripped the sheets, knuckles turning white, enjoying the feeling of Kakashi's hand moving between their bodies.

Dropping forward onto one hand, Kakashi held himself above Iruka, lips almost touching and breaths mingling together.

Determined to pull some sounds from Kakashi, Iruka raked his nails down Kakashi's chest and tugged at both nipples, the action earning him a low groan, Kakashi stroking them harder, and picking up the pace.

“More,” Iruka choked out.

Suddenly Kakashi came to an abrupt stop, pulling one of Iruka’s hands down between them. He took the hint, curling his hand around Kakashi's. The sensation felt amazing and Iruka couldn't help but start pushing his hips up, Kakashi matching his thrusts, both fucking into their joined fists.

Trying to stifle a moan, Iruka looked up at Kakashi, desperately hoping that he was close.

He was hanging on by a thread and couldn't hold back much longer, the warmth curling low in his stomach threatening to consume him.

“I want to hear you,” Kakashi all but begged.

Curses fell from his lips followed by guttural moans, the sounds only serving to spur Kakashi on, his hips starting to lose any semblance of rhythm as he trembled above Iruka, drawing ever so close to the edge.

“I… I'm so close, fuck- ” Iruka whined, gripping them both together. - “Come for me, please, please. ”

Kakashi captured Iruka's lips in a wet and messy kiss, full of urgency as his hips started stuttering. Tracing the curve of his ass, Iruka pushed the pad of his thumb against Kakashi's entrance, enjoying the way he groaned into their kiss as he came with a grunt, his orgasm painting Iruka's scarred stomach and chest.

Seeing Kakashi come all over him was all it took to push Iruka over the edge. And then, he was coming, coming so hard it was almost painful, mouth falling open in a silent cry as his release joined Kakashi's upon his chest.

Iruka felt his entire body become boneless and suddenly he was fighting back a yawn. He looked up to find Kakashi smiling at him.

“That good, huh?” Kakashi asked, leaning in for a chaste kiss before pushing himself up and scooting to the side of the bed.

“Mmm, yes,” Iruka said. He hadn't felt this relaxed since some time before the graduation exams. Maybe Kakashi is right - sex is a good stress reliever. The thought had him snorting with laughter.

“What's so funny?” Kakashi said as he got up, heading towards the bathroom attached to their bedroom.

“Oh, nothing really. Just thinking about how you are slowly corrupting me,” Iruka called out. “You know, we were told not to have sex until my staples are out and I'm cleared by Tsunade.”

Kakashi returned with a warm, damp cloth and started to carefully clean off Iruka's chest and stomach. He was very mindful of a few scars that were still red, almost raw from slow healing. “Maa, you started it. And, who was I to say no?”

“Asshole.”

“But I'm your asshole,” Kakashi teased, joining Iruka back on the bed, pressing his naked body flush against Iruka's side and slinging an arm across his freshly cleaned chest.

Iruka huffed a laugh and turned to look at Kakashi. He would be forever thankful for how much Kakashi had supported him, even if at times he could be a little over the top, acting like a mother hen and fussing 24/7. Not that Iruka blamed him. He had almost died, after all the first 48 hours had been touch and go due to the severity of his spinal injury, blood loss and the poison coursing through his body, attacking vital organs.

Of course, he had no memory of this and could only go by what Kakashi and his friends had told him. But, according to them, he had crashed twice within an hour of being taken to the hospital. Shortly after, the medics had admitted they were out of their depth and needed help. The Third Hokage hadn't hesitated in sending a team out to locate Tsunade Senju. And thank Kami he had, because he wouldn't be alive if it hadn't been for her unrivaled medical skill.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Huh? Wha- Oh. Nothing, Kashi.” Iruka said. “I'm fine.”

Kakashi arched a brow, giving Iruka a skeptical look. Iruka could tell that he wasn't buying it but was thankful that Kakashi never pushed. He'd talk when he was ready.

“Hmm, if you say so,” Kakashi replied, squeezing Iruka's hand. “C’mon, let's get up and dressed.”

****

“What do you want to watch, Kashi?” Iruka asked, voice carrying from the lounge into the kitchen where Kakashi was making coffee.

“I don't mind, Ru. Whatever you want to watch is fine by me.”

Iruka decided on one of the Icha Icha films. It wasn't really his sort of thing usually but, the storyline was light-hearted with some funny moments mixed in. Definitely nothing like the books that Kakashi read which were very explicit. He didn't think he would manage to watch the films without blushing and squirming in embarrassment if they had actually followed the books. Kakashi would enjoy watching him get flustered and most certainly would tease him relentlessly. Wouldn't change him for the world, though.

“Found something to watch, Ru?”

Iruka looked up from where he was crouched in front of the television as Kakashi padded into the room, carefully placing their drinks onto the coffee table. Pressing play on the video player, he simply nodded and tried to get back up off the floor. Spending so much time laid up in hospital had atrophied his muscles and so, at times Iruka struggled to get up from the floor.

“There's nothing wrong in asking for help,” Kakashi said. He bent forward, slinging an arm around Iruka's slim waist and carefully pulled him to his feet. “You'll be starting physical therapy once you're cleared. Things won't be this way forever, Ru.”

“I just… you shouldn't have to do this.” Iruka sighed, slumping down on the sofa, burying his face in his hands. Tears started gathering and he bit back a sob.

"He's right, I'm a failure, I-" He shook his head when Kakashi began to speak. "I can't even help myself off the ground, Kakashi, why should you have to? Why should you have to help me?"

Kakashi pulled Iruka against his chest, his hands softly carding through long strands of dark hair and whispered against his temple “Because you're my partner and because I love you.” He continued stroking Iruka’s hair, the gesture soothing, helping to calm him down. “You've done this for me enough times so please, let me in. Let me love you.”

Tugging the blanket off the back of the sofa, Kakashi pulled it over Iruka, urging him to lay his head in his lap as he began to sing softly. “I won't leave you, I will catch you, when you feel like letting go…”

Iruka looked up and almost choked up at the fond smile and the absolute warmth and sincerity he could see in Kakashi's eyes. Maybe, just maybe he means it.

“Because you're not, you're not alone…,”

“Thank you, Kashi,” Iruka whispered, eyes heavy as he drifted off to the sound of his partners voice.

What would I do without you?

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

HOW EMILIE AUTUMN’S ASYLUM FOR WAYWARD VICTORIAN GIRLS HELPS EX GAY THERAPY SURVIVORS

DISCAIMER: If you are actively considering harming yourself it might be wise to postpone this journey into my own little corner of the Asylum for Wayward Victorian Persons. Instead, reach out to a mental health professional or call your country’s crisis hotline. Best wishes for your recovery.

As a conversion therapy survivor I tend to look at the world through different lenses than a lot of folks. And that includes how I consume books and music. Recently it struck me that Emilie Autumn’s book The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls and it’s corresponding songs are practically tailor made to be relatable for CT survivors such as myself.

The plot revolves around Emilie Autumn in a modern day psych ward, and her Victorian era counter part Emily with a Y, who’s letters she finds in her note book. Accounts of the psych ward and Asylum letters are interspersed, and similarities between modern and old time psychiatric “care” are frankly discussed.

Besides the other girls that are falsely considered mad, for reasons elaborated on in the song Girls! Girls! Girls!, which I will get to shortly, a number of the girls are lesbians and what is being done to them certainly fits the definition of conversion therapy in some of its most pernicious forms. The main character Emily seems to be falling for her fellow inmate Veronica before Veronica’s death at the hands of Doctor Stockill.

Autumn herself is bisexual, and outspoken about her love of the ladies, particularly during her shows. I even got to interact with her on Instagram when I made a post about being an inmate by virtue of my conversion therapy experience. She commented saying,

“I am so proud of you, and honored to march by your side, my fellow inmate.” Now that I’ve set the stage let me move on to the music, and the songs I think most apply to the queer experience.

PRIVATE PRACTICE: This song takes place in the modern mental hospital, and is a conversation between Emilie and Dr. Sharpe. In the song the doctor tries to gaslight her into thinking her usual psychiatrist isn’t any good and she has more wrong with her than just Biplolar Disorder.

“let me help you Emilie, let me fix you Emilie!” Sound familiar? The song even contains religious imagery when Emilie Autumn sings,

“I know this illness is my curse to wear, my cross to bear.” Of course he has ulterior motives, which she figures out by the end of the duet.

SPIDER’S FACE: This one is a metaphor for organized religion. Doctor Stockill brags that he’s going to infect the world with the plague and then bask in their money and adoration when he gives them the remedy. They’ll never ask where it came from. Sort of like how religion creates so much shame around sexuality and then promises to cure what it created with various ineffective and sometimes harmful means.

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! : Beside admitting straight out that some of the girls are there because they are lesbians, the whole flavor of the song reminds of the dark underbelly that often accompanies ex gay therapy: child exploitation.

GASLIGHT: The title is both literal in the sense that the Asylum is lit by gas but anyone who has looked into narcistic abuse knows the other meaning of this word, which is essentially to try to make someone feel like they are crazy when they are telling the truth. The stark reality of a queer person trapped in a conversion camp really comes through in the lines,

“I hold tight to any hands I see, but nothing is alright, their always watching me. And no one’s coming to take me home.” The imminent possibility of death and the frustrating ignorance of people when it comes to the cruelties taking place under their very noses are also discussed.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND: This is a duet between Emily and Thomson, a man hired to photograph the girls at the asylum. It’s musically beautiful, and reminds me of the way the LGBT community expressed concern and pity upon seeing me broken. It’s a reminder that there’s always humanity even in a broken world

FROM THE GUTTER TO THE STARS: Another duet, this one between Emily and Veronica. It expresses the strength of will queer people express in order to survive and make beauty in the worst of times. Also worthy of note the line,

“Yes I know they could separate us. They don’t even hate us, it’s just what they do.” How many times have we all heard lines like “Hate the sin, love the sinner” and “This is for your own good” coming from people who are hurting us horribly.

TIME FOR TEA: I included this one not for its profundity but for it’s sheer satisfying factor. Finally some justice is befalling the tormentors of the inmates. Many of the implements mentioned as the inmates arm themselves are things that are used in aversion therapy; now they are turned upon the abusers.

START ANOTHER STORY: A softer song about trusting your truth and leaving the past behind as you recover.

ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER: Where to even start with this one. So inspirational, I’m tempted to write all the lyrics out right here, but I’ll just say that it perfectly encapsulates the process of recovering from trauma. Learning to live without an enemy to fight, committing to your own values, and building something beautiful out of the wreckage are central themes.

“How do we change the world to what we want it to be? How do we move beyond all of this misery? One foot in front of the other foot…”

INSPIRATIONAL SONGS FOR CT SURVIVORS FROM FIGHT LIKE A GIRL AND OPHALIAC

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL:

1. The title track, Fight Like a Girl, is a girl power anthem for the ages, but still includes boys who have been through suffering

2. If I Burn is a revenge promise for those who torment the innocent and drive them to madness and suicidal thoughts. “If I burn, so will you.”

3. The Key, “It’s time this house was ours, it’s time we take it back, it’s time for bloody war, IT’S TIME FOR THE ATTACK!” Need I say more?

4. Time for Tea, for reasons previously discussed

5. One Foot in Front of the Other, previously discussed recovery chant

OPHELIAC

1. I Want My Innocence Back, though dark in the sense that the writer has been grievously wrong, is also a bold “don’t fuck with me” statement, promising ruin on the person if they can’t return what was stolen

2. Misery Loves Company is pretty light hearted, and may seem at first glance like a song about a relationship, but contains the lines “pray for me you fucker if you fucking dare!” A familiar emotion to those of us in the queer community, especially those who have been told to “pray the gay away”

3. Gothic Lolita is one that requires discretion, as it discusses the painful subject of CSA, but if you can handle the themes, the pay out in the form of retribution on the villain is worth it.

4. I Know Where you Sleep seems to be about a fake narcissistic person whose public image depends on the silence of their victims. This song breaks that silence. With a bang.

In conclusion I would highly recommend checking out the book and the music for yourself. Follow Emilie Autumn on Instagram and be blessed by her love and creativity. All the best to you my fellow survivors.

[peachymess]

Not to be an edgy depresso, but yesterday I went to the psychologist place again. The psychologist I’ve been going to for the last 2/3 years now has quit, so my options were to either 1. come over to her private practice to continue being treated why her. Or 2. be transferred to another psychologist at the facility I’m at. I chose the latter. The one I’ve had for three years wasn’t really vibing well with me - talking over me and forgetting my name two years in etc.

Now... about four years ago, I had to do another such transfer. I had to get a new psychologist but due to some error on my registered address, they wanted to put me into the wrong facility which was too far away for me to get to on a regular basis. So I had to apply to get sent to the facility I (eventually) ended up at. At the time of applying, I was told this was a standard transfer and I did not run any risk of losing my right to help or anything like that. But that’s what happened. I was waiting for a letter that told me “we found you a new psychologist, here’s your start date” - it was just a transfer after all. But what I got instead, was a letter telling me I didn’t have the right to treatment. Among their reasons as to why, they listed that I didn’t abuse alcohol as much at that time. Which never was my main problem. There were too many idiotic contradictions in that letter to bring up now, but let’s just say I was deeply suicidal at the time and yet I was told I was too healthy for help.

I had to dispute and then wait. It took me a year to get back in there. It infuriated me so much that when you’re so low, you can just be dropped. Just like that. I managed to take time to write a dispute letter. At first I was going to take my loss but my anger fueled me. But what about those that don’t dispute? Those who are too sick to dispute the claim of their good health? Surely I can’t be the first one.

... anyways. After I tore their arguments to shreds, they gave me a psych a year in.

This, and many more instances of absolute bullshit, has given me major trust issues with the public health care/welfare/legal system. God, let’s not even talk about the lawyer who tried to scam me for several thousand dollars.

Now... my current psychologist quit, like I said. And upon making the choice of being transferred over to a new one, I asked my old one point blank: will me being transferred, come with ANY risk of losing my rights? Nope. I asked several times, has the application/notice been sent? Where am I in the process? Who will take over after you? Oh don’t worry Peachy, I’m sure they’ve got it figured out and you’ll get a letter when everything’s ready.

Well... welfare came back with a big ass slimy move I won’t talk about now because it’s a whole mess of it’s own. But now they demand yet another written statement from my psychologist (despite having several explicitly confirming I’m sick and 14+ years of treatment records). The problem is that since my psychologist quit, the ones having to answer this demand, is the public institution I’m indoctrinated in. Meaning, nobody there knows me or my case and thus has any expertise on making a statement.

That’s why I called in and had to ask the institution for an appointment with WHOMEVER, to figure out what to do, to speed run them through my ongoing case for years, and get a statement. After that, I wanted to ask for the contact information for my former psych - since, as she told me, if I didn’t win with welfare this time, I could ask for her info and get an independent statement from her as well.

And now to the point. This new meeting I had yesterday with top dog psychologist of the relevant ward,... I have never been in a more uncomfortable psychologist meeting before in my life. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say she emitted an unfriendly and stubborn air from the get-go and I could tell something was up...

Starting off, she completely stonefaced me when I said I had brought two relevant documents for her to read. She wasn’t interested. Despite me being the one working on this case for years, she wasn’t interested in my thoughts on how to go about this at all. She later proceeded to ask me questions to which all answers and more had been in the document I asked her to read for quickness. Eventually, she agreed to skim through one of them, after first ignoring the offer, then declining and then aggressively saying “fine, let me see it then!” At one point she even said “I knew this was going to be a difficult appointment”. And when I asked for the contact info of my old psych, she refused to give it to me, saying she was pretty sure she herself would be able to write a sufficient statement.

And then we had to get to the point of the appointment, what she had been more eager to get to: simply put, they want to kick me out. They don’t want to find a new psychologist for me, because - as she said - it would be a waste of resources and their time to treat me. Because I can’t get better. She - wrongfully, at that - said she believed me and my old psych had talked about acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that I’ll never get better. Firs of all no, we’ve never had any talk of that; in fact, my psych tried to make me have a more positive outlook on the possibility of recovery. And secondly, what kind of psychologist would tell a 28 to give up on recovery?!

This bitch, who looked to be no more than 30 herself, living her best life, was sitting there with this really nasty look on her face, telling me they wanted to pass me off to some other low threshold public nurse program where I just go and talk to a nurse sometimes, so I “don’t get worse”. While they themselves, don’t want to spend more resources and professionals’ time on trying to help me get better. That I, just a few years her junior at most, had to accept that this was as good as life will ever get for me. Because after so many years, I had only gotten worse so it was obvious I wasn’t going to get better. Just a few years ago, they denied me because I wasn’t sick enough for them. Now I’ve been “too sick for too long”?! And as she herself admitted, most of the focus these last years had been on my case with welfare rather than my treatment, so who’s to say there couldn’t have been better results with better focus/treatment? NOT to mention that I’ve maaaany times over the years BEGGED them to commit me for a few weeks because I could feel myself unraveling and being committed would help - and they’d always refuse!! If I’m not better after all this time, maybe it’s because they blatantly didn’t try their fucking best! And now they’re telling me to GIVE UP?!

When I got angry, she - in what can’t be called anything other than gaslighting - told me I was being rude for selling the nurses short. That “they’re just as good as the psychologist experts”. But SHE’S the one who says the experts would be a waste on me, while the nurses apparently can be expended. SHE’s the one saying her staff is worth more. And for my part, I said, if they’re equal, I’d rather go to the expert - who, according her, has higher odds of HEALING someone, on top of the equal ability to keeping me from getting worse. I want the highest odds. I want to go to someone who has the highest odds, the expertise and will to help me get BETTER. I don’t want to go to a nurse/get visit from nurses whose job is to listen to sob stories while they hold your hand! I’m absolutely not knocking nurses or their importance in our society. They’re life savers and usually some of the most caring people out there.

But that’s not what I need. I need to go to the person who has the highest chance of figuring out how I tick and have the tools and knowledge to then figure out what to do to make me BETTER! If we’re devolving my treatment from “trying to make better” to “trying to keep stable so I don’t get worse”, I am GIVING UP the chance of betterment! And where I’m at now, that’s not worth living. If THIS is as good as it gets, it’s not worth living another 50 years for.

The fucking audacity of this bitch telling me to GIVE UP on my life!! Telling me to “accept” that my life willl be like this forever. What - I’m not a pretty enough statistic for them? I’m not worth the money?

She even said that since it costs me energy to go see them, maybe it’s costing more than it’s worth. But going to see a nurse costa just the same! Even more - what, she means it’s better for me to just stay home yet another day? Like I do every sia already? You don’t have to be a psych to know getting out of the house sometimes is healthy of your mental health!

I felt so utterly powerless. Naturally I got really fucking angry and scared. And by the end she waved the threat in my face of revoking my right to help. She said to get help you needed: 1. To be sick enough (“check”), 2. Have a will to get better (“check”) but oh, also 3. Appear to be ABLE to get better.... and uhoh. For the record, I’ve never heard that last part before in my life.

I asked her whether this only had one outcome - of either her convincing me to agree to go to that public nurse visit offer instead, or she’d take away my right to help so I’d be FORCED to go to that offer instead. She didn’t want to answer that. Just told me she’s make a new appointment to discuss this further. On “where to pass me off”.

What do I fucking do when the people educated and hired to help, decide to give you up?

I’m just so fucking done. I’ve had to battle welfare for literally YEARS now, because they insist that despite years and years of records, they can’t see any proof that I’m sick enough to qualify. While on the other hand, health care wants to kick me out because I’m TOO sick for them. I’m being altered to whatever fits best for others! It’s all about the fucking money. But I’M the only one losing over this! It’s MY life in the gutter! That bitch can go home to her wife and cuddle up and say “ugh, stressful day at work today”. While I go home and continue living in this black hole that she tells me I have to accept!

Like I said, I don’t mean to be an edgy depresso, but I’m fucking pissed.

[papa-poutine]

self isolating has been sucking the fucking life out of me recently. watch out this is gonna get real sad lmao but i got so used ot being. touched??? before all this, i made friends that like,, understood? and would just.... hug me??? and whatever??? not to sound soft but. and now im in my house with my family and i love them but they’re not like the most affectionate people and my one best friend is still unable to see me cos he really can’t get infected and i know logically that that’s fair but emotionally. why do i feel so hurt!!!!! i feel so isolated and like everyone’s restarting their lives but me. and even if we could hang out like outside or something he couldn’t touch me. which makes me sound like im using him as like a fuckin concubine or smth but like. im so touchstarved!!!! bithc im suffering!!!! and then my other best friend is pulling away from me it seems, and i fukcing KNOW my social skills are shit so im trying not to read to much into it but every time i try to arrange smth with them something mysteriously comes up and they have to cancel at the last minute and. i just feel like it’s him all over again but this time i know what it looks like so i can see it playing out before me and i really just anticipated speniding the rest of my life as their friend. but that may or may not happen i guess lol. and its like when i get down THAT train of thought its like why am i like this!!!! why can’t i keep a friend to save my fuckin life!!! and so i try not to think about it too much but ill see them posting on social media and be like i know you’re online. ur talking to your other friends. please just rip the bandaid off if you dont want to be friends anymore, it would hurt less to do it all at once than whatever the fuck this is. but on the other hand if they’re really struggling i don’t want to be the bitch who demanded attention when their mental health was down the gutter! idk it just like. i feel like none of my friends value me as much as as i value them and it sucks 

[writingstudent]

An Ode to Tumblr

Tumblr is the space where I impulsively reach out when my mental health is at its lowest. The community and content of this platform have truly helped just get by and find my own confidence and strength. While my blog has started out as a fanfiction blog, I am unsure whether this should continue or not - lately I do not have the time nor inspiration to write as much. 

Does the idea that inspiration comes from sadness resonate with anyone else? In the moments where I have been happiest, meaning that my mental health was at its most stable, I have never felt the need to write or create. 

Writing, to me, is a coping mechanism, which I use to push through my depressive episodes. This is exactly what I am doing right now. Depression is a heavy load for someone to carry - it is important to have friends who are there for you n your highs and lows. However, I have learned to differentiate between what could be described as an acute sadness - something felt very strongly for a moment, or chronic sadness. Your friends should be there for you in your acute moments of sadness, the worst parts and pull you out of the gutter that your own mind can be at times. However, unfortunately, they also are humans. It is not right of someone to constantly spill negativity and sadness upon the others around them - that is how you distance people. Most people, and most of my friends, are not aware of my depressive nature, as I have found somewhat of a switch in me. When I am with them, I find myself often being the loudest and funniest member, pushing my emotions completely out of the way and trying to live in the moment. That is why I have come to dread coming back home and being alone with myself and my thoughts. It is in those moments that everything comes crashing down and I just wish I had someone to talk to or to somehow be distracted. Yet sometimes reading, watching YouTube story times or even writing don’t seem to be enough. Sometimes I just wish there was someone there I could write to and they would know how I truly feel, and what I am going through. They would understand that they are a coping mechanism. That we are friends, but a different type of friendship. We are there to be the crutch of the other person and to help them get past just another day of what may seem at the moment to be never ending pain. 

So thank you to the people out there that do that - that support each other and push each other to grow. 

This is an ode to you.