#being told to give up ua tye moat disgusting part

[peachymess]

Not to be an edgy depresso, but yesterday I went to the psychologist place again. The psychologist I’ve been going to for the last 2/3 years now has quit, so my options were to either 1. come over to her private practice to continue being treated why her. Or 2. be transferred to another psychologist at the facility I’m at. I chose the latter. The one I’ve had for three years wasn’t really vibing well with me - talking over me and forgetting my name two years in etc.

Now... about four years ago, I had to do another such transfer. I had to get a new psychologist but due to some error on my registered address, they wanted to put me into the wrong facility which was too far away for me to get to on a regular basis. So I had to apply to get sent to the facility I (eventually) ended up at. At the time of applying, I was told this was a standard transfer and I did not run any risk of losing my right to help or anything like that. But that’s what happened. I was waiting for a letter that told me “we found you a new psychologist, here’s your start date” - it was just a transfer after all. But what I got instead, was a letter telling me I didn’t have the right to treatment. Among their reasons as to why, they listed that I didn’t abuse alcohol as much at that time. Which never was my main problem. There were too many idiotic contradictions in that letter to bring up now, but let’s just say I was deeply suicidal at the time and yet I was told I was too healthy for help.

I had to dispute and then wait. It took me a year to get back in there. It infuriated me so much that when you’re so low, you can just be dropped. Just like that. I managed to take time to write a dispute letter. At first I was going to take my loss but my anger fueled me. But what about those that don’t dispute? Those who are too sick to dispute the claim of their good health? Surely I can’t be the first one.

... anyways. After I tore their arguments to shreds, they gave me a psych a year in.

This, and many more instances of absolute bullshit, has given me major trust issues with the public health care/welfare/legal system. God, let’s not even talk about the lawyer who tried to scam me for several thousand dollars.

Now... my current psychologist quit, like I said. And upon making the choice of being transferred over to a new one, I asked my old one point blank: will me being transferred, come with ANY risk of losing my rights? Nope. I asked several times, has the application/notice been sent? Where am I in the process? Who will take over after you? Oh don’t worry Peachy, I’m sure they’ve got it figured out and you’ll get a letter when everything’s ready.

Well... welfare came back with a big ass slimy move I won’t talk about now because it’s a whole mess of it’s own. But now they demand yet another written statement from my psychologist (despite having several explicitly confirming I’m sick and 14+ years of treatment records). The problem is that since my psychologist quit, the ones having to answer this demand, is the public institution I’m indoctrinated in. Meaning, nobody there knows me or my case and thus has any expertise on making a statement.

That’s why I called in and had to ask the institution for an appointment with WHOMEVER, to figure out what to do, to speed run them through my ongoing case for years, and get a statement. After that, I wanted to ask for the contact information for my former psych - since, as she told me, if I didn’t win with welfare this time, I could ask for her info and get an independent statement from her as well.

And now to the point. This new meeting I had yesterday with top dog psychologist of the relevant ward,... I have never been in a more uncomfortable psychologist meeting before in my life. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say she emitted an unfriendly and stubborn air from the get-go and I could tell something was up...

Starting off, she completely stonefaced me when I said I had brought two relevant documents for her to read. She wasn’t interested. Despite me being the one working on this case for years, she wasn’t interested in my thoughts on how to go about this at all. She later proceeded to ask me questions to which all answers and more had been in the document I asked her to read for quickness. Eventually, she agreed to skim through one of them, after first ignoring the offer, then declining and then aggressively saying “fine, let me see it then!” At one point she even said “I knew this was going to be a difficult appointment”. And when I asked for the contact info of my old psych, she refused to give it to me, saying she was pretty sure she herself would be able to write a sufficient statement.

And then we had to get to the point of the appointment, what she had been more eager to get to: simply put, they want to kick me out. They don’t want to find a new psychologist for me, because - as she said - it would be a waste of resources and their time to treat me. Because I can’t get better. She - wrongfully, at that - said she believed me and my old psych had talked about acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that I’ll never get better. Firs of all no, we’ve never had any talk of that; in fact, my psych tried to make me have a more positive outlook on the possibility of recovery. And secondly, what kind of psychologist would tell a 28 to give up on recovery?!

This bitch, who looked to be no more than 30 herself, living her best life, was sitting there with this really nasty look on her face, telling me they wanted to pass me off to some other low threshold public nurse program where I just go and talk to a nurse sometimes, so I “don’t get worse”. While they themselves, don’t want to spend more resources and professionals’ time on trying to help me get better. That I, just a few years her junior at most, had to accept that this was as good as life will ever get for me. Because after so many years, I had only gotten worse so it was obvious I wasn’t going to get better. Just a few years ago, they denied me because I wasn’t sick enough for them. Now I’ve been “too sick for too long”?! And as she herself admitted, most of the focus these last years had been on my case with welfare rather than my treatment, so who’s to say there couldn’t have been better results with better focus/treatment? NOT to mention that I’ve maaaany times over the years BEGGED them to commit me for a few weeks because I could feel myself unraveling and being committed would help - and they’d always refuse!! If I’m not better after all this time, maybe it’s because they blatantly didn’t try their fucking best! And now they’re telling me to GIVE UP?!

When I got angry, she - in what can’t be called anything other than gaslighting - told me I was being rude for selling the nurses short. That “they’re just as good as the psychologist experts”. But SHE’S the one who says the experts would be a waste on me, while the nurses apparently can be expended. SHE’s the one saying her staff is worth more. And for my part, I said, if they’re equal, I’d rather go to the expert - who, according her, has higher odds of HEALING someone, on top of the equal ability to keeping me from getting worse. I want the highest odds. I want to go to someone who has the highest odds, the expertise and will to help me get BETTER. I don’t want to go to a nurse/get visit from nurses whose job is to listen to sob stories while they hold your hand! I’m absolutely not knocking nurses or their importance in our society. They’re life savers and usually some of the most caring people out there.

But that’s not what I need. I need to go to the person who has the highest chance of figuring out how I tick and have the tools and knowledge to then figure out what to do to make me BETTER! If we’re devolving my treatment from “trying to make better” to “trying to keep stable so I don’t get worse”, I am GIVING UP the chance of betterment! And where I’m at now, that’s not worth living. If THIS is as good as it gets, it’s not worth living another 50 years for.

The fucking audacity of this bitch telling me to GIVE UP on my life!! Telling me to “accept” that my life willl be like this forever. What - I’m not a pretty enough statistic for them? I’m not worth the money?

She even said that since it costs me energy to go see them, maybe it’s costing more than it’s worth. But going to see a nurse costa just the same! Even more - what, she means it’s better for me to just stay home yet another day? Like I do every sia already? You don’t have to be a psych to know getting out of the house sometimes is healthy of your mental health!

I felt so utterly powerless. Naturally I got really fucking angry and scared. And by the end she waved the threat in my face of revoking my right to help. She said to get help you needed: 1. To be sick enough (“check”), 2. Have a will to get better (“check”) but oh, also 3. Appear to be ABLE to get better.... and uhoh. For the record, I’ve never heard that last part before in my life.

I asked her whether this only had one outcome - of either her convincing me to agree to go to that public nurse visit offer instead, or she’d take away my right to help so I’d be FORCED to go to that offer instead. She didn’t want to answer that. Just told me she’s make a new appointment to discuss this further. On “where to pass me off”.

What do I fucking do when the people educated and hired to help, decide to give you up?

I’m just so fucking done. I’ve had to battle welfare for literally YEARS now, because they insist that despite years and years of records, they can’t see any proof that I’m sick enough to qualify. While on the other hand, health care wants to kick me out because I’m TOO sick for them. I’m being altered to whatever fits best for others! It’s all about the fucking money. But I’M the only one losing over this! It’s MY life in the gutter! That bitch can go home to her wife and cuddle up and say “ugh, stressful day at work today”. While I go home and continue living in this black hole that she tells me I have to accept!

Like I said, I don’t mean to be an edgy depresso, but I’m fucking pissed.