#mebb 2017

[queen-scribbles]

Consequences of Being a Savior

(You can find the art masterpost here, many, many thanks to @thydonutart for doing such an amazing job!)

My contribution to the 2017 Mass Effect Big Bang, AO3 link to come for those who don’t want to read a 17k fic on tumblr.

Kaidan had always been a good soldier. He followed orders, listened to his conscience, and stuck to his loyalties. It had served him well so far, mostly because the three worked in sync.

Not today. Today his conscience and loyalty both drove him back, back, back even as Shepard’s words still rang in his ears.  

“Get out of here, go!”

“Don’t leave me behind!”

“Go, that’s an order!”

I don’t take orders from you anymore, remember? The thought hadn’t occurred until Garrus and Liara were practically dragging him to the Normandy’s medbay, and it made him sick to his stomach that he hadn’t fought harder to stay with her. “I have to go back!”

“No, Major, you have to hold still,” Dr. Chakwas admonished as she and Liara worked to remove his hardsuit. “This looks serious-”

“Doc, I can still help her! I can’t leave!” He bit down on a cough as pain flared through his side. “This isn’t that bad.”

“Bullshit,” Garrus countered from the doorway. “I watched you get sliced open by armor plating from a damn Mako, Kaidan! That’s the definition of bad.”

“I can’t leave her,” Kaidan repeated, knowing he probably sounded crazy and not really caring. “Joker!” God, raising his voice hurt. “Take me back!”

“You’re being an idiot,” Garrus growled, sharing a look with Liara, who nodded and scurried out of the room. “Shepard wanted you out, wanted you safe, and you’re trying to turn around and dive right back into the same shit she pulled you out of.”

“That’s where I belong,” Kaidan said obstinately, wincing as Dr. Chakwas applied medigel to the fiery gash across his ribcage. “With her.”

“Broken ribs and all?” Garrus asked pointedly.

“She’d do it for me,” Kaidan replied simply before hailing the pilot once more. “Joker, I swear to God, if you don’t put me down somewhere, I’ll find a way off this ship myself!”

“I see why she loves you,” Garrus muttered, mandibles clicking. “You’re every bit as stubborn as she is. I’ll go talk to Joker if you let the good doctor at least start patching you up.”

Kaidan sighed and nodded reluctantly. “Deal.”

This was a waste, they were wasting time, but Joker was apparently ignoring him, so he didn’t have much choice. 

    >>><<< 

It took some work, including weathering some very sarcastic jabs, but Joker did agree to set them down near a supply depot toward the outskirts of the fighting.

“Wait, us?” Kaidan asked when Garrus relayed the news, raising an eyebrow as he gingerly pulled his armor back on. The white-hot pain in his ribs had been dulled with medigel, but he knew from experience one wrong move could bring it screaming back.

“You think I’m letting you off this ship without backup of some kind? In your condition?” Garrus snorted. “Shepard would have my hide. Beside, I can’t help much cooped up on a ship anyway.”

Despite his injuries, despite the worry gnawing at his gut, despite everything, Kaidan couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks, Garrus.”

It was only a minute or two more before the Normandy touched down and they hustled off so Joker could get back to doing his part in the battle.

“So, what exactly are you planning to do from way back here?” Garrus asked, tone as bored as if they were ordering drinks on the Citadel, not staring at a hellscape littered with monsters and ruin.

“Not sure,” Kaidan admitted, staring at the distant blue beam. “But anything’s better than just watching.” Again. He thought of Alchera and his biotics pulsed brighter. “You?”

“Same,” Garrus said, reaching for his sniper rifle. “Can’t leave her, can do more good on the ground. Shall we?”  He nodded toward the distance between them and the beam.

“You know Em’s gonna yell at us when she gets back, right?” Kaidan said with a wry chuckle as they started walking.

“‘Til she’s blue in the face,” Garrus nodded, checking the sight on his rifle. “Let her.” 

>>><<<

Kaidan never could remember much about what happened between then and when it ended. Sweat stinging his eyes, Garrus hollering in triumph as he dropped targets, the dull ache in his ribs, it all blurred together.

Until the sky lit orange and the resulting energy wave turned the Reaper forces to dust. The Reapers themselves teetered and collapsed, one dangerously close to where Kaidan and Garrus had chosen to make their stand. Fortunately, they were able to shelter from the worst of it behind the foundation of what had once been a school.

Garrus tilted his head skyward. “She did it?”

“She did something.” Kaidan grinned at the cautious optimism in the turian’s voice. I knew she could do it. He wiped blood away from a small cut on his cheek and felt relief loosen the knot in his chest. It’s over. It’s over and we won. Because of her. “How do you think-”

The light of an explosion flashed above the beam.

The Citadel. “No!” He didn’t wait for the dust to clear, or check that it was safe, he just started running. The pain flared up again in his side, he could hear Garrus yelling for him to wait, but it all seemed muted. Distant. All he saw or cared about was the angry flash of yellow and orange painting the sky.

I think I’ve had this nightmare before, crossed his mind, and he pushed himself harder.

It still seemed like an eternity before he was close enough to pick up comm chatter. Shepard and Anderson had apparently made it inside but had gone radio silent before the pulse of orange light and explosion. No one was answering. The beam was still active. Should they organize search parties? Wait for the ships to return?

Hackett’s voice cut through the chaos; dividing people into groups by location grids, telling them what to do. Some would form groups to look for survivors on the ground, some would make sure there were places to treat the wounded, and those within a certain proximity of the beam would form parties to look for Shepard and Anderson.

Kaidan tried to hail, to say he was going too. He couldn’t sit and wait with jangling nerves for someone else to relay Shepard’s fate. Not again. Alchera had been its own special brand of hell. He couldn’t do it again.

But no one responded to his… well, requests was being kind. Begging. Ordering. He wasn’t sure which was more accurate, only that they couldn’t hear him. By the time he reached the beam they would all be long gone. I’m going anyway, he determined. I’ve already lost her once. I can’t do it a second time.

 >>><<<

 No one argued. Not even Garrus, when he caught up. Of course, by then Kaidan had been wading through the wreckage of the Citadel for almost two hours, so arguing would have been pointless. Garrus was smart enough to recognize that and simply joined in the search. They had a lot of ground to cover.

 >>><<<

 After two agonizingly long days, Kaidan had stopped comparing this to Alchera. It was worse.

He winced as a nearby searcher’s light flared, the migraine he’d been fighting for a day and a half gaining a foothold. He couldn’t make it much longer on stubbornness and pain meds.

“I found something!” The excited voice sounded young. Optimistic.  A few seconds later Kaidan’s omnitool beeped and he pulled up the shared image file.

Shepard’s visor. It was charred black, but the faintly visible N7 remained etched by the eyepiece.

“Where’d you find it?” Kaidan demanded, not waiting for the search leader to ask.

“Near the control spar,” came the reply, filtered through labored breathing as the soldier continued to search. “Oh.”

“What’s ‘Oh’?” This from Lieutenant-Commander Blanchard, the search leader.

“I… I think I found Admiral Anderson, ma’am.” He didn’t sound so optimistic anymore. Kaidan’s heart sank.

“Share the coordinates; Commander Shepard probably isn’t too far, from what I hear.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Another beep from the omnitool and Kaidan--along with most of the other searchers--headed for the marked coordinates. He tried to ignore the cold dread settling in his stomach, but it didn’t sound like the odds were good.

And they looked even worse than they sounded when he reached the designated location. Everything was burned, everything had collapsed. Just piles of blackened, smoking debris and ashes far as the eye could see.

How could anyone survive that? asked a voice inside his head.

I don’t know, but she did. He refused to believe otherwise.

“You okay?” Garrus laid a hand on Kaidan’s arm as he asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, i’m fine.” He shook off the encroaching migraine. “I just wanna find her.”

“Then let’s get to it.”

They searched in silence. They didn’t talk about how the Normandy was missing. Didn’t mention the low odds of finding Shepard alive. Didn’t reassure each other with how often she’d beaten odds like this. They just looked. After the third time barking his shins on rubble, Kaidan was ready to levitate the whole damn mess and figure out how to sift through it that way-

His boot caught on a loop of exposed wiring and he pitched forward, narrowly missing a snapped-off beam. Even so, it was not a gentle landing. He felt it in his wrists, his head came within a hair’s breadth of hitting the ground, and the wind was thoroughly knocked out of him.

Shepard offered him a hand up, kicking the husk she’d shot off him for good measure. “Nothing’s allowed to leave you breathless but me, Alenko.”

“Son of a bitch,” Kaidan hissed under his breath as the memory faded. He shifted to push himself to his feet and froze.

There was an elbow. It poked out from under a pile of debris, barely recognizable as human for all the ash, blood, and burns. He blinked, half expecting it to vanish, to have been a figment of his imagination. But no. Still there.

“Emily?” it came out in a whisper as Kaidan scrambled on hands and knees toward that elbow. All but holding his breath, he reached out with his biotics and ever so carefully shifted some of the debris. The rest of the arm came into view, shattered and charred blue armor ending just below the shoulder--and right about a very familiar daisy tattoo. I found her.

“I found her!” he hollered into his comms, adrenaline surging. She was so still.

“The coordinates, Major. Where are you?” Blanchard’s voice squawked.

Hand shaking, Kaidan keyed in the info and tapped ‘send’ before returning his attention to the mess of rubble that was all that separated him from the woman he loved. Just looking at the pile, all he could do was numbly compare it to the highest-stakes game of pick up sticks in the galaxy. He eyed where Shepard’s arm was visible and tried to calculate how much breathing room there was for things that might move.

It could have been better, could have been worse. From his vantage point, it looked like most of the debris rested against a chunk of wall paneling that was braced up by part of a control console. They formed an unstable shelter of sorts that had shielded Shepard somewhat when the place came down. As long as he didn’t dislodge either piece, he could start clearing some of the smaller stuff. Which he did, with no hesitation

“Kaidan-” Garrus swore as he dodged a control panel casing Kaidan had chucked aside without looking. “Dammit, Kaidan, maybe you should wait-”

“I can’t,” he cut Garrus off, kicking aside a piece of cooling vent grate.

“Maybe somebody else should do this, in case-”

“No!” Kaidan very carefully brushed away a tangle of wiring, watching to insure they didn’t snag on anything. More of Shepard’s armor came in to view, cracked, charred, and--in places--sticky with drying blood. “Especially then. But she’s not.” He said the words in defiance of the cold knot in his gut. Not again. I told you you can’t do this to me again, Emmy. He gingerly started inching into the empty space. “To them she’s Commander Shepard, symbol of hope and savior of the galaxy. To me, she’s-”

“Emily,” Garrus finished for him, bending down to move what Kaidan had cleared further back in anticipation of more. “The night owl with a taste for orange jello, who talks in her sleep and is determined to make you watch Fleet and Flotilla with her at least once in her life?”

Kaidan snorted a dry laugh. “That’s her. I keep telling her, I have seen it.”

“I think the together part was her main concern,” Garrus pointed out. “The lives you two have led since you met, she wasn’t sure that day would ever come.”

“It will if I have any say in the matter. Thanks for having her back,” Kaidan said, reaching for a twisted piece of railing and carefully giving it a tug.

“No problem,” Garrus assured him.

Shepard flinched and Kaidan froze for a moment, then started feeling his way down the metal until he found where it had punched through her armor and gouged her side. His own injury seared with sympathy pain. She wasn’t impaled, technically, just really close to it. But the crumpled railing responsible was blocking his access to the debris around her head. “How close are they?”

“The other search teams?” Garrus’ armor creaked as he shifted to check his omnitool. “Just another minute or two.”

“Good. We’re gonna need them.” Kaidan severed the top part of the railing with his omniblade and tossed the metal toward the opening. He barely registered the clang as it hit the ground. He was more preoccupied with the fact Shepard was barely breathing. His cautious nature warred with the desperate urge to get her out, and Kaidan bit his lip as he shifted a hunk of something too burned and melted to recognize.

The pile creaked and groaned, settling slightly with the absence of whatever it was he’d just moved. Kaidan’s biotics flared in preparation to shield Emily from further injury. But nothing fell, and her only had to clear a few more things before he could see her face.

Saying she was a mess would have been a compliment. Between the blood, severe bruising, and broken bones, he could barely recognize her. “Emily?!”

There was the faintest twitch of an eyelid, but nothing more. Hell, he could have imagined even that. Kaidan crawled further in, practically folding himself in half to get in a position where he could cradle her head and shoulders in his lap. He had to stay bent over, the burnt wall paneling pressed against his shoulder blades, but he had her. He actually had her in his arms. Alive, if only just.

“Em? I’m here, honey.” He gingerly brushed hair out of her face. He didn’t even know if she could hear him. “I’ve got you. I…” he forcefully swallowed the lump in his throat. “I showed up.”

Now there was nothing to do but wait. 

>>><<< 

Fortunately Garrus was right. It couldn’t have been more than a minute before the rest of the search team arrived. Kaidan could hear Garrus giving them a brief rundown before a pair of incredibly young-looking privates stuck their heads in to assess the situation themselves.

“Do you have the commander secure?” one asked.

Kaidan nodded, hands resting in an instinctively protective position against Emily’s chest, her head limp against his leg. “Yeah, I got her.”

“Alright,” the other nodded. “If you have her stable, we’ll see about clearing away the debris and getting her out of there.”

“Hurry.” He didn’t care how desperate he sounded, Shepard mattered more than his pride. “She’s not doing great.”

“Understood, sir,” the first private said, and they both withdrew. Soon the sound of physical labor and the blue glimmer of biotics both reached him. Kaidaan kept a wary eye on the surroundings, fully prepared to deflect any falling debris should the need arise.

It didn’t. Lieutenant-Commander Blanchard obviously knew what she was doing, and under her direction the entire jumbled mess was hauled away mostly without incident. The only hiccup came when shifting the wall panel dislodged a large shard of window glass none of them had noticed. But since that only hit him--a glancing cut down the side of his face before bouncing off his shoulder to shatter on the ground-- and not Shepard, Kaidan couldn’t find the energy to care much.

Now that he was sitting down, without anything to sufficiently distract him, both the migraine and the burning ache in his ribs came roaring to the forefront and it was all he could do not to pass out. Finally, finally the last of the rubble was cleared and the search team moved in to stabilize Shepard and get her out. Kaidan caught vague snippets of their conversation; warning to be careful of her back and worry about nerve damage, muttered curses, but he just felt numb.

The world tilted crazily as Garrus hauled him to his feet and informed him, “You look like hell.”

“I feel like hell,” Kaidan admitted. The lights were too bright, the low chatter of the search team’s comms was too loud, his head hurt, his ribs hurt, everything was going white… 

>>><<< 

He woke up nauseous and dizzy in a blessedly dim room, groaning as even the faint light there was hit his eyes.

“Still feel like hell?”

Kaidan mustered a small, dry chuckle in response to Garrus’ question. “Worse. Where…?”

“Earth hospital. Somewhere rural enough the Reapers couldn’t be assed to level it.”

“Who said miracles never happen?” Kaidan muttered sarcastically as he sat up and rubbed his face. The migraine had retreated to the base of his skull, a dull ache just awaiting an excuse to roar back to life.

“Take it easy,” Garrus cautioned. “According to the doctor who checked you over, you pushed yourself two or three times further than the human body is usually capable of going, and I’d rather not hafta haul your ass back to bed ‘cause you tried for an encore too fast. You’re heavier’n you look.”

Kaidan snorted, then made a mental note not to do that again any time soon. “Emily’s managed to do it twice, so clearly it’s not that hard.” He looked over at Garrus. “How… How is she?”

Garrus sighed heavily, which wasn’t encouraging. “Alive. But it’s pretty bad. She unconscious and they have no idea when she’ll wake up. She’s been through a lot, her body and mind need to heal, whole bunch of medical jargon I didn’t follow.”

Kaidan swung his legs over the side of the bed. “I need to see her.”

“You need to rest,” Garrus countered, but the protest was halfhearted at best. “That part I did follow.”

“I can rest sitting in a chair next to her just as easily as I can in here and you know it.” The world didn’t start spinning like a carousel when he stood up, which was a good sign. It rocked, yeah, but it was the gentle tilting of a boat tied to a dock rather than the crazy roll of one in the middle of a storm.

Garrus grinned. “I’ll go talk to the doctor.”

“Make sure you point out it’ll keep me less stressed if I’m with her, and this way frees up a bed for someone who really needs it.”

Garrus shook his head, but there was a gleam of amusement in his eyes. “Spirits, try to sound less desperate, Kaidan.”

“But I like being desperately head over heels in love,” Kaidan deadpanned, which made Garrus laugh as he left the room. Once he was gone, Kaidan took a few tentative steps, just to make sure the world would hold still. It did, though the vague ache in his side reminded him he still had broken ribs.

Garrus wasn’t gone long. “Doc says if you promise to keep your ass in the chair and don’t do anything stupid it’s fine by him.”

“I promise. I don’t think I could do anything stupid even if I wanted to.” Kaidan pulled on his shirt, feeling the tug of scar tissue across his ribs. “Lead the way.”

Garrus obliged, making sure he kept his pace slow enough for Kaidan to follow. “It’ll be good for her to have you in there.”

“What, familiar face and all that?”  A thought occurred and Kaidan braced himself for the worst as he asked, “We heard from the Normandy yet?”

“Not yet.” Garrus shook his head. “Whatever Shepard did damaged both the mass relays and long range comms. We have no idea where they are, how they are, or when they’ll be back.”

“Is it terrible I’m glad we got off when we did?” Kaidan asked after a long moment of silence.

“No.” Garrus hit the button to call the elevator. “Slightly selfish, maybe but not terrible.”

The elevator arrived, blessedly empty, and Kaidan leaned his head against the wall once they’d boarded. He closed his eyes to block out the light as Garrus selected the floor they wanted. “I’m okay with being selfish for her sake.”

“Me, too.”

They were both silent the rest of the way to Emily’s room, lost in their own thoughts. It wasn’t until they were standing outside the door that the first taste of nerves showed up. “When you say pretty bad…”

“She looks like shit,” Garrus said bluntly. “But the doctor I talked to, Kennedy, seemed optimistic about her chances.” He clapped Kaidan on the shoulder. “I’ll give you two some privacy while I go look for food that won’t kill me.”

Kaidan nodded mechanically and stood staring at the door as Garrus’ footsteps faded, working up the nerve to enter. Finally, with a deep breath, he reached over and keyed the panel for entry. The door hissed open and he stepped into the room.

Emily used to look peaceful when she slept. That had been one of the biggest changes he’d noticed when he rejoined the Normandy; she’d started having nightmares and restless dreams on a near-daily basis. “Consequences of being a savior,” she’d said glibly when he expressed concern. “You carry every decision. Some weigh more than others.”

She looked peaceful now, and in a moment of cynicism Kaidan wondered if that meant she was so far gone she wasn’t dreaming. That was the first thing he noticed. Second was even if, yes, she looked like shit, cleaned up she looked strangely vulnerable. Even more than she had cradled in his lap covered in blood and grime. Both probably had something to do with the nasty bruises that covered the right side of her face, as there were surprisingly few wires and tubes. That was a good sign, he supposed, as he approached the bed.

“Hey, Em,” he whispered, leaning over to kiss her forehead before sitting in the chair by the bed. He slipped his hand under hers, palm to palm, careful of the splints on two fingers and the pulse monitor clipped on a third. “Is… Is this what it was like for you after Mars?” he asked, more to fill the silence than any other reason. He certainly didn’t expect an answer. He glanced over the visible bruises and bandages, knowing for every problem he could see, there were probably at least two he couldn’t. “If you felt even half this helpless, I’m so sorry for putting you through that.”

He could picture her rolling her eyes and laughing. “Yeah, ‘cause you asked to be picked up by the helmet and slammed repeatedly into that shuttle. Nothing you need to be sorry about.”

“God, I miss your voice,” Kaidan murmured. A faint smile tugged at his lips. “I miss your laugh even more.” He stroked the side of her hand with his thumb. “I can’t wait til I get to hear them again.”

There was the sound of a gently cleared throat, followed by, “You must be Major Alenko.”

Kaidan’s attention shifted to the doorway so fast the jarring change in brightness made his migraine flare back up.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” the petite nurse winced in sympathy, upon seeing him grimace. “I shouldn’t have startled you. I didn’t know you were in here, or I would have-”

“It’s okay,” Kaidan assured her, the headache already receding. “And you can just call me Kaidan.”

The nurse flashed a relieved smile. “And I’m Ayeisha. I was just coming to check on Commander Shepard, make sure she’s still doing alright.”

“Mm.” Kaidan nodded, then watched her as she checked the monitors and compared what they said to the datapad she held. “How is she doing?”

“Better since she was brought in,” Ayeisha said, biting her lip in concentration as she updated the chart. “Even better than she was this morning.”

It wasn’t until he heard her say the words Kaidan realized he didn’t even know what time of day it was. But he could figure that out later; there were currently more pressing concerns. “If you don’t mind, could you tell me what all is wrong with her?”

“You want the detailed version or the ClifNotes one?” Ayeisha asked, eyes on the chart.

“ClifNotes is good for now,” Kaidan said. He wasn’t sure he was ready for the fully detailed version. Not yet.

“Alright. She has some broken bones--fingers, left foot and tibia, few ribs, cheekbone.” She gestured briefly at each as she ticked them off. “Collarbone on the right side is also broken, and that shoulder was dislocated. Between that and the bruise pattern on her face and chest, Dr. Kennedy thinks she probably hit a beam of some kind. A few second degree burns. All of that will heal, given time. Dr. Kennedy is more worried about the nerve damage along her spine. Commander Shepard took quite a beating--which I am aware is a colossal understatement--and there are places in her lower back where the nerve damage was severe enough to… inhibit movement and feeling.”

“Meaning?” Kaidan said slowly, pretty sure he knew where this was going.

Ayeisha sighed. “There’s fifty-fifty odds on whether she’ll be able to walk. And even if she can, it may be only with help, and regaining the ability will be a process. It won’t be easy.”

Kaidan snorted a quiet laugh. “Nothing’s ever easy for us.” His thumb brushed her hand again. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Ayeisha grinned. “I didn’t think you were, Major. Having someone who’ll stick with her will greatly aid Commander Shepard’s recovery.” She shifted her grip on her datapad. “If you don’t have any more questions, I really should get back to my rounds.”

“Of course,” Kaidan nodded. “Don’t let me keep you.”

“Don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.” Ayeisha said still smiling as she left the room.

Alone once more with the near-silence, Kaidan slouched a little in the chair, searching for a more comfortable position. His own broken ribs were making that an elusive goal. He looked at Emily, brushed a lock of hair back from her face, briefly curled the silky black hair around his finger before tucking it behind her ear.

“Just rest, Em,” he whispered. “I’ll be here when you wake up, and we can handle this together. Promise.” He lifted her hand and kissed the back of it, then settled in to wait. 

>>><<< 

It took a week. A week that seemed to crawl by like molasses uphill in January, before she woke up. Fortunately, somewhere around day four or five, Garrus convinced him to take a couple hours; shower, shave, find clean clothes, check in with Biotics Division, so Kaidan wasn’t a total wreck when Shepard finally opened her eyes.

The only warning Kaidan got was the briefest pressure of her hand tightening around his before a raspy but familiar voice whispered, ”Hi.”

Kaidan jolted upright--which wasn’t fun for his side--and gave her his full attention, even if her eyes were barely open. “Hi yourself, beautiful.”

Emily let out a sound that resembled a snort. “Not right now ‘m not,” she croaked.

Kaidan smiled, gently cupping the side of her face as he peppered her with kisses. “Yes, you are. You are the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful thing in the whole galaxy.”

She smiled--lopsided thanks to the bruising--and reached up to rest her hand along the curve of his jaw. “I think you’re biased.”

He laughed quietly, fairly sure he couldn’t have stopped grinning if ordered to. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Emily guided him him down for a soft real kiss, the metal splints encasing her fingers cool against his skin.

“So…” Kaidan began when they parted, sitting back but capturing her hand in his again. “We won.”

Emily chuckled--rusty but relieved--and scooted just a little in the bed. “I figured. And you showed up.”

He squeezed her hand. “Always.”

She smiled sleepily. “Knew you would.” Her gaze drifted over his face as if drinking in the details and she frowned slightly. “That looks like it hurt.”

“What does-” He instinctively raised a hand to the side of his face. “Oh. That. Looks worse than it is.”

“Kaidan.”

“Don’t Kaidan me, it’s just a scratch.” He couldn’t resist smiling. Sure, it was a deep scratch, but if he’d managed to forget it was there, it wasn’t too bad. “I promise, Em. It doesn’t even hurt. I forgot I had it. I’ve been much more worried about you.”

Emily let her eyes drift closed. “That’s sweet. You’re… sweet.” She was quiet for long enough he almost wondered if she’d fallen asleep before mumbling. “Where’s ev’rybody else?”

“Garrus is off trying to find more dextro-based rations, since he ran out. Kasumi and Jack both checked in to see how things are, but they’re all helping with search and rescue, as is Biotics Division. Everyone else….” he sighed. “I don’t know.”

Emily’s eyes popped open, and for a second he almost thought she was going to try and sit up. “You don’t know?! How do you not kn-” She narrowed her gaze at him. “Son. Of. A bitch. You got Joker to bring you back.”

“Guilty as charged,” Kaidan said simply. “What gave me away?”

She sighed, smiled reluctantly. “...I would’ve done th’ same thing.”

He chuckled and squeezed her hand. “That’s exactly what I told Garrus to talk him into it.” He hesitated for a second, but then had to ask. “How… How’re you feeling, Em?”

“Like hell,” Emily admitted. “But it’s more… hungover like hell than everything hurts like hell.” She relaxed, eyes drifting closed again. “They must have me on some really good drugs. Nothing really hurts. Hell, I can’t even feel my toes.”

Kaidan flinched. He was extremely glad she couldn’t see his face right now. “Get more rest, Emmy. Don’t want you overdoing it.”

“Kay, babe,” she mumbled, sounding halfway between drunk and exhausted. “Don’ go anywhere…”

He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” 

>>><<< 

Emily had never liked the sluggishly heavy underwater feeling painkillers gave her. Where thinking was an effort and moving a super-human feat. This was even worse than usual. She couldn’t shake the feeling she was missing something. She couldn’t really blame Kaidan for not wanting to focus on the probable laundry list of what was wrong with her the second she woke up. And she was thoroughly happy with the greeting she’d received. Also the fact she’d woken up at all. That was impressive to her in and of itself.

But now she was awake again and this time he wasn’t; slouched in what couldn’t be more than a semi-comfortable position in his chair and passed out from exhaustion. Emily bit her lip in concentration as she tried to shift position on the bed using just one arm. It took five minutes to move an inch or so, and she was exhausted by the time she was done.

The door hissed open as she was settling and Garrus strolled in. “Hey, Shep. Glad you’re awake again.”

“Sorry you missed me the first time,” Emily whispered, clumsily shoving hair out of her face with her good hand.

Garrus shrugged gamely. “I needed food and I knew you’d wake up again. I’m just glad Kaidan was here for the first time. He was all paranoid he’d miss it and you’d think something had happened to him.”

Emily chuckled quietly. “Let me guess, you practically had to manhandle him into a shower.”

“It was a pretty close call,” Garrus deadpanned. “If he’d taken about five more seconds to accept my promise to stay with you, I’d’ve thrown him in the bathroom and locked the door.”

She glanced over at Kaidan and smiled fondly. “Sounds like him.” They both fell silent as Kaidan shifted position in his sleep. “Thanks for watching out for him. Having his back.”

“No problem,” Garrus assured her. “He’s a friend, and I know how much he means to you. Would’ve been pretty bad for you to pull off whatever crazy shit you did to save the galaxy and then find out he got himself killed.” A teasing glint flashed in his eyes. “Hate for you to get all mopey again.”

Emily glared playfully. “Garrus Vakarian, if I wasn’t pumped full of drugs right now, I’d kick your ass to Luna and back again.”

He smirked. “You’d be welcome to try. Although technically, if you weren’t pumped full of drugs, would you even be able to stand up? Or would the pain be too much?”

She huffed in irritation but had to concede the point. “Fine. You win. Come closer so I can throw something at you. My aim’s shit with my left hand.”

“So you admit you were mopey the last time you thought you’d lost Kaidan?” Garrus probed, a chuckle underlying the words.

“No, I- Maybe. A little.” A mental image flashed before her eyes; her sitting on the floor of the Normandy’s main battery, third beer loosely in hand as she spilled her guts to her best friend. “Okay, yes. I knew I should’ve talked to Kasumi instead.”

“Then you’d just be having this conversation with her instead of me,” Garrus pointed out.

“Take pity on a poor, wounded hero and stop being so goddamn right,” Emily complained, grinning as wide as she could with one side of her face feeling like it had been stomped on by a krogan. Even the best pain meds could only do so much. “Come to think of it… what all do I have to deal with? As a, y’know, wounded hero? I can’t really feel anything ‘cause of the meds.”

He hesitated, which didn’t give her any warm fuzzy feelings. “A lot. Nothing you can’t handle, but… a lot.”

“Let me guess, it’s better if I get the details from my doctor?” she said dryly.

“That’s always the best idea,” interjected a cheerful blonde wearing a medical uniform as she entered the room. “Good morning, Commander Shepard.”

Emily couldn’t help but return the woman’s infectious smile as she replied, “Good morning, Doctor…?”

“Kennedy,” the doctor supplied. “Jules Kennedy. Glad to see you awake, Commander. The galaxy owes you a lot, it’ll be good to be able to thank you in person.”

Her conversation with the Catalyst flashed through her thoughts, and Emily’s heart constricted. “No… No thanks necessary, doctor.”

Dr. Kennedy raised an eyebrow. “I can think of several billion people who would disagree.”

Emily opened her mouth to further insist, but Kaidan picked that moment to stir. “Hey, Sunshine,” she said instead as he sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes and running his fingers through his hair. It didn’t do that much for its tousled state. Not that she minded. He was cute when he was disheveled, a couple loose locks of hair curling against his forehead. “Good timing, Kay. Dr. Kennedy was just about to fill me in one what I’m facing, and the more moral support, the better.”

Kaidan nodded, blinking owlishly. “Okay.”

“Babe, do you want coffee?”

“More like need,” he admitted with a groan, scratching at his five o’clock shadow. “But that can wait if you need me.”

“Aw, you love me more than coffee,” Emily couldn’t resist teasing, regardless of their audience.

“I love you more than anything,” Kaidan said matter of factly, reaching for her hand.

“I’m gonna have to get you sleep-deprived more often, Alenko,” she said, linking her fingers--carefully--between his. “You’re really sweet.”

“Are you kidding? He’s always like this when it comes to you,” Garrus interjected dryly. “Now, what do you say we listen to the nice doctor?”

“Yes. Right. Sorry about that, doctor,” Emily said sheepishly, returning her attention to Dr. Kennedy.

The doctor waved it off. “It’s always good to see when patients have a solid support system. I’m glad to know you’re one of them.”

“Because I’m going to need it…?” Emily hinted.

“Yes,” said Dr. Kennedy frankly. “I will say, most of your injuries will heal on their own with time. The burns, broken bones… all of that will be little more than a memory in a few months’ time.” She studied the datapad in her hand. “In fact, one of the nurses has noted rapid healing in both your collarbone and ribs. Barring infection, none of those injuries should be a long-term problem.”

“So what’s going to be a long-term problem?” Emily asked, glancing at Kaidan and Garrus. They both knew, she realized when she saw their faces. They knew and they hadn’t wanted to tell her, which was a bad sign.

Dr. Kennedy gave her a sympathetic look as she answered, “There’s some nerve damage and swelling around your L-3 vertebrae and in the venous plexus. Depending on when and if they heal, you will--either temporarily or permanently--lose the use of your legs.”

Well, that explains why I can’t feel my toes. Emily blinked. Swallowed hard. “Wors… Worst case scenario, Doctor?”

Kaidan squeezed her hand as her voice went hoarse, the feel of his hand and the weight of Garrus’ on her shoulder comforting and grounding her.

“You never walk again.”

She’d figured as much. “And best case?”

“You’ll walk, but with a noticeable limp, and will most likely require leg braces or some other form of assistance. Unfortunately any implants we had that might have helped with the recovery or after have been… rendered inert,” Dr. Kennedy explained gently.

Emily winced. She knew why. You have a very twisted sense of humor, she informed the universe. “So I’ll probably wind up somewhere in the middle of that, then,” she said, thumb rubbing the back of Kaidan’s hand.

“We are going to try for best case,” Dr. Kennedy said firmly. “But I believe you should be aware of all possible outcomes. We’ve given you some anticoagulants to lower lower the risk of clots forming in your legs, and now that you’re awake, I’ll arrange to have a physical therapist come by and help you with exercises to prevent muscle atrophy while you recuperate.”

Emily just nodded, head spinning. “Thanks.”

“I realize this is some thanks for saving the galaxy, Commander,” Dr. Kennedy said wryly.

“Eh, the thank you for last time was dying, so this is a step up,” Emily snarked.

Dr. Kennedy laughed. “Hold on to that sense of humor. It’ll help a lot. Did you have any questions, Commander?”

“Not at the moment,” Emily said, running her hand shakily through her hair. Her fingers caught on a snarl and she vaguely noted the need to brush it out, maybe pull her hair up in a ponytail again. “I’ll probably think of some later, but for now… Y-You can get on with your day, doctor.”

“Very well.” With a nod and a final compassionate look, Dr. Kennedy left the room.

Garrus took one look at Emily’s face, gently squeezed her shoulder, and then followed the doctor. “I’ll give you two a minute.”

“I can leave, too, if you w-” Kaidan started to offer, but Emily shook her head.

“No. Please stay,” she whispered, tightening her grip on his hand until her splinted fingers hurt. “Kaidan, I don’t…” It was a struggle to wrap her mind around the enormity of this change and what it would mean. She couldn’t keep her voice entirely steady as she tried again. “I can handle this, even the worst case, I… I know I can, but how?”

“Well, for starters…” Kaidan moved from the chair to sit on the edge of the bed. “With help. We’ll do this together, Em. You don’t have to face it alone.” He lifted her hand and pressed a kiss against the palm. “We’re good together, remember?”

She sniffled, fingers curling at the brush of his lips against her skin. “I know, but this is… this is a lot, Kaidan.” Garrus had been right about that. “I don’t have a place to live off-ship, and-”

“Yes, you do,” he cut her off. “I don’t know what shape the Vancouver house is in right now, but the house at the orchard is all one level, and Mom was all about spaciousness and openness when she and Dad were designing it. It’s all wide doorways, and big rooms, and not overcrowded with furniture. Even in the worst case scenario, it wouldn’t be hard to navigate.”

In a wheelchair, Emily filled in mentally as she blinked back tears. She tried to bury the wobble in her voice behind a teasing note.  “‘Spaciousness’?”

“It’s a word,” Kaidan said defensively, tracing one hand down the uninjured side of her face. “And that’s… beside the point, Em. The point is, you always have a home with me.”

She was smiling as she curved her good hand around the back of his neck and pulled him toward her until their foreheads touched. “I love you.”

There was a gentle rush of air as he chuckled quietly at her hushed fervency. “Love you, too, Em.” He brushed her cheek with his thumb. “Though it did just occur to me that it’s more a home with us,” he corrected himself. “Mom’s still there, I’m pretty sure.”

“Ooh, I’d get to meet your mother,” Emily grinned. “I’ll try my best to make a good impression. And to not ask for too many embarrassing baby stories.”

Kaidan smiled. “She’ll love you, don’t worry.”

“Shouldn’t you check with her before promising me a place in her home?”

“I ask her, I’ll get a lecture for not knowing the answer,” he explained wryly. “And then one about being too shy to let her meet you.”

Emily smirked, her hand sliding around to cup his cheek. “I like her already.”

He gave a mock-groan and kissed the tip of her nose. “I think I’m in trouble.”

“Big time,” she agreed, feeling lighter with the assurances he wasn’t going anywhere. “But not until I leave the hospital. So you have a reprieve.”

“It’s my lucky day,” Kaidan said jokingly. He kissed her forehead and straightened. “And while I’m feeling lucky, I’m gonna go look for some food.”

“Steal me a jello cup,” Emily requested impishly.

“As you wish,” he replied with an exaggerated bow. “Be back soon. I hope.”

“Maybe check if there’s any word from the Normandy while you’re at it.”

Kaidan paused in the doorway. “You know it’s probably going to be awhile before we hear anything. Your ship has some good engines on her, and with comms messed up…”

“I know.” Emily tucked her hair behind her ear. “But it can’t hurt to check.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “I’ll check. But don’t get your hopes up.”

“Don’t worry, I’m experienced in tempering my expectations,” she replied glibly--which earned her a concerned look before Kaidan left the room. I’m just hoping Joker doesn’t completely hate my guts. She listened until his footsteps had faded and groped for the vidscreen remote. They’d taken her omnitool--if it had survived the Citadel explosion in the first place--so she’d have to go with her second choice for entertainment. She didn’t really feel like being alone with her thoughts right now. 

>>><<< 

It wasn’t more than half an hour before Kaidan came back, balancing a tray of food, but Emily was already starting to doze. She was really tired, and painkillers always made her drowsy, but she pulled herself awake when the door hissed open. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Kaidan said back, glancing at the vidscreen as he set the tray down. “Call Me Sally, Shepard? Really?”

Emily stuck out her tongue at him. “Most channels are out; it’s this or the news. I’m not ready for the news. Didja bring me jello?”

He picked up two snack cups and held them toward her. “You want orange or cherry?”

“Ooh, my two favorites. Um. You pick and I’ll take the other one.”

Kaidan gave her a knowing look, popped the seal on the orange jello, and very deliberately set that and a spoon down on the bed’s rollover tray. “You only have one favorite, and we both know it.”

Emily smiled sheepishly, then turned her attention to picking up the spoon with her left hand. “Guilty as charged. Now shush and watch the movie.”

He grinned. “You’re not the boss of me, Em.”

Quirking an eyebrow hurt, but she did it anyway. “Wanna bet?”

“Nah, it’s my job to coddle you right now,” he teased, and Emily was seriously tempted to throw her spoon at him.

“Jerk,” she muttered under her breath, unable to completely resist the threatening smile.

“I’ll pretend you believe that,” Kaidan said, still grinning. “But only for a few minutes.”

“Any longer would strain credulity,” she conceded with a wry smile. “Now, seriously, babe, shut up and watch the damn movie with me.”

>>><<< 

She fell asleep before the end, of course. With everything she’d been through, how much her body still needed to heal, it was the farthest thing from a surprise. Kaidan watched her sleep as he finished eating.

She didn’t look as peaceful. While part of him appreciated the visual cue that she was asleep rather than unconscious, he wished the nightmares would go away. She’s been through enough, given up enough, does she have to sacrifice her rest, too?

The answer became clear less than an hour later, when Emily started thrashing in her sleep and he had to call for a nurse to help hold her still so she didn’t reinjure her shoulder.

“Emmy. Em, wake up.” Someone speaking to her had worked before, but now she just kept twitching, clearly distressed by whatever nightmare had her in its clutches. “Emily. You’re dreaming, hon, wake up!”

He eyes flew open, full of a thousand emotions--none of them good--in the split second before she recognized him. “Kaidan…”

“I’m right here,” he assured her, running his fingers soothingly through her hair as she sniffled and tears ran down her face. “I’m right here I promise.”

“Don’t leave.” Her good hand settled around his wrist with a surprisingly strong grip.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Kaidan nodded to the nurse, who made a quick note in his datapad as he left the room. Kaidan waited until they were alone and then rested his forehead against hers. This was so much worse than before. On the Normandy, when Emily’s nightmares were this bad, he could hold her. Press kisses to her hair, her shoulders, her face--wherever he could reach. Let his touch be an assurance that the nightmares weren’t real, and things would get better.

He couldn’t do that now. Between the size of her hospital bed, the IV line, and the extent of Emily’s injuries, this was the best he could do for physical contact. It made him feel so damn helpless.

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan whispered, brushing away her tears.

“Don’t be,” Emily whispered back, her thumb rubbing the inside of his wrist. “It’s not your fault. Just… stay with me.”

“For as long as you need,” he promised. 

>>><<< 

Neither of them were happy when the next week proved this to be a pattern. Especially as even the simple starting physical therapy left Emily exhausted and irritable. She would be worn out from the day, try to sleep, and wake up screaming after an hour at most. It wreaked havoc with her mood, Kaidan’s migraines, and just about everything.

Until finally, Kaidan sat on the edge of her bed, looked her dead in the eye, and as gently as possible demanded, “Alright, talk to me.”

“About what?” Emily stalled, picking at one of the straps keeping her right arm immobilized.

“You know what,” he said quietly, reaching for her hand. “I wasn’t gonna push, Em, but you keep having nightmares and getting jumpier every time you ask about the Normandy. Something’s on your mind. What’s wrong?”

“I-I’m worried about them,” she dodged, struggling to ignore the rising memory. “Aren’t you?”

“Of course I am.” Kaidan frowned. “This seems to be something deeper for you. Talking always helped before.”

“Things change,” Emily said softly.

“Emily. The times I can make out what you’re saying it sounds like you’re apologizing. Talk to me. Please.”

She sighed. He was right; talking probably would help. She just didn’t relish the thought of reliving one of the most painful decisions she’d ever made. “Okay.”

Kaidan looked surprised she’d caved so quickly. Honestly, she was a bit shocked herself. But whether the reason was a guilty conscience or simply trusting Kaidan too much to keep this from him, she was ready to share.

“In… in order to stop the Reapers, I had to make some really hard calls. And… sacrifice friends that I didn’t want to lose.” Emily blinked back tears and Kaidan sympathetically squeezed her hand. “The last one, the one that won the war, the one everyone wants to treat me like a hero for… to destroy them, I had to destroy all synthetic life. The Reapers. Their forces. The geth. E-” Her words caught and she drew a ragged breath. “EDI.”

Kaidan didn’t say anything, just rubbed the side of her hand with his thumb.

“And now, of course, we’ve won, and I-I just… Joker probably hates me now…” Her voice trailed off in a whisper.

“Emily…” Kaidan paused, measured his words. “If he holds you responsible, I can see him being mad, but, honey, I can’t imagine a world where Joker completely hates you.”

“He should!” It wasn’t until the words burst out of her that Emily realized she actually believed them. Ashley’s family didn’t hate her for Virmire, no one hated her for the ships lost in the fight against Sovereign, or for the colonists she’d been too slow to save, and for just one of the lives lost due to her decisions, or under her command, someone should hate her. She needed someone to hate her. Because part of her hated herself. “I wanted to win this the right way. The honorable way.”

Javik’s voice rang through her mind, “Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters.”

She pulled her hand back briefly, to wipe away the tears, before willingly slipping it back in to Kaidan��s grasp. “With my… principles intact. I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop… I tried so damn hard, Kaidan, and I couldn’t. I had to work with Cerberus, I had to leave Earth, I had to watch people die, I had to choose. Ever since Vimire, I’ve been choosing. And every time I made a choice for the sake of the galaxy, a little piece of me got gouged away.”

“But you’re still you,” Kaidan said quietly. “And there are people who love you just as you are, with all the gouges and cracks.”

“Yeah?” Emily had meant it as a challenge, but her voice was shaking too much.

“Yeah,” Kaidan retorted with conviction. “Everything from the hard calls you’ve made to the fact you talk in your sleep.”

Emily made a face at him. “Well, you snore,” she accused half-heartedly.

“I do not!” he protested.

“You do too! Although, it’s not loud; just this cute little background noise I use to fall asleep sometimes.”

“Oh, so I’m cute now, huh?” Kidan teased.

She knew what he was doing, and she loved him for it, so she played along. “I hate to break it to you, but you’ve always been cute, Alenko. Especially when you’re being sweet and trying to make me feel better.”

“And here I thought I was being subtle.”

“Oh no, you’re many things, dear, but subtle about making me smile is not one of them.” Emily squeezed his hand. “That’s a good thing; it earns you girlfriend points. This is just something I have to work through that I probably won’t get all the way through until the Normandy makes it back and I can talk to Joker. At the very least. I told you that some of the choices I’ve made are heavier than others. I’ll be carrying them for awhile. That’s what you’re signing up for, Kaidan. If you don’t want-”

“I said we’ll handle everything together,” he cut her off. “I meant it.”

“Just checking,” she whispered. “I’ll probably circle back to the self-loathing thing a few times.” Was that ever an understatement. “Wanted to make sure you were warned.”

“Warning noted. But it’s gonna take more than that to scare me off,” Kaidan said wryly.

“I know,” Emily smiled, and settled in to try sleeping again. 

>>><<< 

Soul-bearing conversation proved to be a source of relief when the nightmares got too bad. Even when she could see in his eyes that Kaidan was struggling with the onset of another migraine--she always feared thanks to her night terrors--he was always willing to talk her through the worst of it. He’d slip his hand into hers, or rub her shoulder, something to establish physical contact, and just let her talk. On the rare nights she managed to talk him into getting a real night’s sleep, Garrus filled in without complaint. Emily appreciated it, but there was something about the way Kaidan offered comfort that she missed when he wasn’t there.

Garrus just laughed when she admitted that to him. “Of course you do, Shepard. The two of you are head over heels crazy in love. Emphasis on the crazy. Of course he  knows you better than anyone. Even me.”

Emily smiled and huffed hair out of her eyes for the umpteenth time. “Okay, then, how do I tell him I wanna cut all of this off because it’s damn annoying to take care of with one hand?”

Garrus gave her a skeptical look. “You look him in the eye and you say ‘Kaidan, I want to get a haircut.’ What makes you think he’d have a problem with that?”

She picked at a hangnail. “He’s mentioned liking it long…”

“Shepard, it’s Kaidan. He’s been in love with you for years. That’s not going to change if you get a more manageable haircut.” He grinned. “Thought it is good to see you worrying about silly personal things rather than galaxy-altering decisions for a change.”

Emily chuckled. “I… have to agree with you there, Vakarian. It’s nice to be dealing with small scale problems.”

“Just don’t worry about them too much. You have a tendency to over-analyze things, and the last thing you need right now is to be stressing yourself out. I imagine it messes up the healing process.”

“Doesn’t do things any favors,” Emily agreed. “But why haven’t you brought up the over-analyzing before?”

“I knew you wouldn’t stop when the galaxy was counting on you. And you only did with the really important stuff.” Garrus gave her a teasing smirk. “I never caught you worrying if getting a haircut would make your boyfriend stop liking you.”

“Hey, Kaidan’s opinion is very important!” Emily protested, mock-glaring at her best friend. “To me, at least.”

“I know, Shep. I was teasing. The painkillers must be messing with your sense of humor,” he said dryly.

“I knew that,” she huffed. “Just clarifying. And I know it’s irrational to worry about him not loving me over a haircut, especially since the screaming fits that trigger migraines don’t do it-”

“You noticed that, huh?”

“I’ve been in love with the man for three years, of course I know the signs he has a migraine.” She sighed. “He’s doing so much for me, I feel bad for changing something about me that I know he likes.”

“Trust me on this, Shepard, he’s not going to mind.” Garrus patted her shoulder encouragingly and left, citing a meeting with some of the turian military leaders. Emily watched him go, wished Kasumi or Jack were closer and could visit. She loved Kaidan, and Garrus was her best friend, but some variety in her company would be nice. She only ever saw the two of them, the physical therapist, and Dr. Kennedy. A girl needed some change, and she wasn’t exactly in a position where she could go get it herself. 

>>><<< 

Garrus was right, of course. When Emily mentioned wanting a haircut to Kaidan, he just nodded and asked how short she was thinking.

“Remember that picture Ashley showed us of her sisters? I want something like Abby’s hair.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows rose fractionally as he dug up the memory but he smiled. “You’d look cute with a cut like that.”

“Cute? Cute??” Emily wrinkled her nose in mock disdain. “What if I don’t wanna look cute?”

“Then you’re in trouble, Shepard,” he said, straight faced but amusement twinkling in his dark brown eyes. “You’ve always been cute.”

“That’s my line!” she huffed, feigning grumpiness.

“However will I make up for borrowing it?” Kaidan grinned.

“I think a good kiss would be sufficient apology,” Emily said with a playfully imperious note in her voice.

His grin widened as he leaned down and kissed the end of her nose. “Like that?”

“Like this,” she corrected, grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him in for a long and lingering kiss. 

>>><<< 

Her new haircut was cute. Distractingly so, which Kaidan made the mistake of mentioning to his mother during one of their calls. He immediately regretted it, but it was already too late. “What are the odds of you pretending you never heard me say that?”

His mother laughed. “Pretty dismal. The odds of me not telling anyone you said that, however, are much better.”

Kaidan smiled. “That’ll have to do, then. Did you hear back from the Bailey Center yet?”

“Yes. They’re trying to hold a spot for Emily, but there’s lots of people who need a doctor, and the center doesn’t want to turn away anyone they could help. Especially indefinitely.”

“I understand.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Dr. Kennedy seemed pretty sure Em would be ready for somewhere with less intensive care by the end of the week. Can you see if they’ll try to have a spot available at that point?”

“Of course. Can’t hurt to ask,” his mother said cheerfully.

“Thanks for helping with this, Mom.”

“Oh, don’t mention it, sweetheart. You’re already juggling so much, it’s the least I could do to offer some help.”

“Still, I appreciate it. Hopefully we’ll see you soon.”

“Looking forward to it,” she said warmly. “I’ll let you know what the Bailey Center says.”

“Thanks, Mom. Love you.”

“Love you too.” They both disconnected from the call.

Kaidan leaned his forehead against the window and sighed. There’s so much to do…

“That better not be the start of another migraine,” a familiar voice commented behind him.

Given that its owner was currently incapable of getting out of bed by herself--let alone walking---he could be forgiven for startling as he spun around. “Shepard, what the hell-”

Emily sat in a wheelchair, one eyebrow raised in a look of concern he knew all too well. “If that’s a migraine it’s the fourth one in two weeks and I’m telling the doctor.”

“No, no migraine,” Kaidan promised. “Just trying to make arrangement for you get out of here.”

“Sounded like you were talking to your mom.”

“I was. The place I’m hoping we can go is in Canada, less than an hour from the orchard. I mentioned it while talking to her and she insisted on helping,” he explained. “And what’re you doing out of bed?”

“Oh, Kasumi’s free to visit, and Dr. Kennedy okayed us meeting somewhere other than my room. Said we can use it as a test if I’m really healed up enough to go somewhere a little more general. What’s this place you’re tryin’ to get me in?” Emily ran her fingers through the sideswept bangs; a new habit she’d acquired with the haircut.

“The Bailey Center. Part of the complex is a hospital, and part is a rehab clinic, both inpatient and outpatient treatment. It seemed a good fit, given the circumstances.” Kaidan glanced around Emily as he finished explaining. “Where’s Kasumi?”

“Supposedly, meeting me by the gardens. But knowing her, she’s been sneaking around the place for an hour just for the fun of it.” Emily grinned. “You want to come with me?”

Kaidan shook his head. “Only if you want me to. I wouldn’t dream of cutting in on your chance to visit with a friend.”

“Okay. I shouldn’t be too hard to find if you change your mind.” She giggled at the unintentional rhyme. “Otherwise, I’ll see you later.”

Kaidan crossed the room and bent down to steal a quick kiss. “See you later. Have fun.”

“Please, it’s Kasumi. Of course I’m gonna have fun.” 

>>><<< 

She did. Kaidan used the time to check in with Biotics Division again and talk to Dr. Kennedy, who confirmed Emily had made enough progress that she would be clear to leave the hospital by the end of the week. Assuming, of course, that there were no setbacks after today.

“Also, the physical therapist tells me the exercises are working well, she’s maintaining good muscle density,” Dr. Kennedy said, looking over the notes on her datapad.

“With how much they wear her out, I’m glad they’re doing some good,” Kaidan commented.

“Oh, yes, quite a lot,” Dr. Kennedy nodded. “And remember, this is a vital part of helping her potentially walk again.”

“I know,” he sighed. “It’s just hard to watch. Even harder to encourage her to keep going.”

“I understand, Major, believe me. But the swelling around the L-3 vertebrae has gone down almost entirely. So assuming the venous plexus follows suit without causing permanent nerve damage, it will greatly speed her rehabilitation if she’s ready to go soon as it’s safe.” She went on to assure him all of Emily’s broken bones were healing correctly--and faster than was typical--so the only major concerns were the spinal injury and the broken collarbone. The latter simply because it had been accompanied by a dislocated shoulder and the combination meant it would also require rehab to regain functionality.

They were still talking when Emily and Kasumi returned, both in high spirits, and Dr. Kennedy took her leave so they could visit. Kasumi didn’t stay much longer--she was working Rescue & Recovery in a particularly hard-hit area of the city--but it was enough.

Emily was practically glowing the rest of the day, which Kaidan teased about, and actually slept through the night, which Kaidan appreciated almost as much as she did. 

>>><<< 

There was no relapse following her excursion to the gardens, so Dr. Kennedy signed off on Emily moving to a rehab center at the end of the week. The good news there was it gave her something to look forward to. The bad news was it meant she barely got to see Kaidan for two days straight as he worked out all the logistics. But it all paid off and when Saturday rolled around they were ready. Garrus regretfully informed them that he couldn’t come with them but would be sure to keep in touch. The best remaining communication equipment on Earth was in London, so he had to stay close enough to tap into it, both for turian government ‘matters’ and to keep looking for the Normandy.

Much as she liked having him around, Emily had to admit making the trip just her and Kaidan was nice. They made actual small talk, dozed off with his head on her shoulder and her head leaning against his, made more small talk when they woke up. Both of them were in a very good mood as they disembarked the shuttle and approached the Bailey Center.

“This place better be as nice as you made it sound,” Emily teased, tapping her fingers against the arm of the wheelchair, mostly in an attempt to burn nervous energy and resist scratching under the sling strapping her right arm against her chest.

“It is,” Kaidan promised, tightening his grip on the wheelchair’s handles as the walkway sloped upward. “I had a buddy who came here for rehab after he lost an arm. I visited a couple times. It always seemed really nice.”

Their first look inside and conversation with the administration staff bore that out. The process of admission went relatively fast, and soon they were following an orderly through the halls to Emily’s room. The woman spoke as they went, explaining some of the amenities, scheduling for therapy, visiting hours, various other things, finishing with, “Unfortunately, Commander, the only space we had as in a two-bed room, so you’ll have a roommate.”

Emily shrugged, glancing up at Kaidan. “Nothing unfortunate about that. I don’t mind sharing. Besides, we didn’t give you much in the way of advance notice.”

The orderly looked relieved. “From what I understand, he’s wanted the privacy partition extended most of the time, anyway. Not much of a people person.”

“To each their own,” Emily said. “I mean, an introduction would be good, but other than that, if he wants to be left alone, I’ll leave him alone.”

The orderly chuckled. “I think he already knows who you are, Commander. We’ve tried to keep it quiet you were coming here, but rumors always find a way.”

“Are we going to have to worry about press or anyone else?” Kaidan asked, sounding concerned.

“Outside, yes probably,” the orderly conceded. “But we have very good security, so you should be undisturbed.”

Emily nodded, nervously picking at a hangnail. The last thing she needed as the press figuring out Commander Shepard had PTSD and couldn’t stop having nightmares that woke her screaming. She felt bad for her new roommate. Hopefully he was the type who slept like a rock.

It was only another minute or so before they reached the room. The other bed was empty.

“His daughter must be visiting,” the orderly said, keying in a command on the partition controls so it slid three quarters of the way across the room. “They usually go for walks when she comes. I’ll leave you to get settled in. Unless you need help…?”

“We’ll be fine,” Emily and Kaidan said simultaneously. “But thanks for offering,” she smiled.

“Okay. Call button is there, if you need anything. The remote for your vidscreen is in the same cluster. Can’t promise what channels we’ll have; it’s been changing week to week as they make repairs.” With one final smile, she left the room.

As her footsteps faded down the hall, Kaidan circled to the front of the wheelchair. “Ready, gorgeous?”

Emily rolled her eyes but smiled as she held out her left arm. “Ready, handsome.”

Kaidan leaned closer and she wrapped her arm around his neck so he could pick her up, bridal style, to transfer her to the bed.

“Gee, without the armor, you’re not that heavy,” he said glibly. “I could hold you like this for a long time. Hours, even.”

“Yeah, well, don’t.” She couldn’t really do anything, and they both knew it. With three out of four limbs currently incapacitated, she was at his mercy.

“What’s the magic word?” Kaidan whispered, moving toward the bed.

“Please,” Emily whispered back, kissing the tip of his nose. “Please don’t.”

“Well, since you asked so nicely…” He gently settled her on her bed. “I like that this is wider than the last one. Y’know, in case you require comforting.”

“That will come in handy,” she agreed, keeping her tone light and deliberately not thinking about the circumstances that usually led to her requiring comfort. She ran her fingers through her hair as Kaidan got her all tucked in, brushing her bangs out of her face and pushing a couple loose locks back behind her ears. “Thanks.”

They both knew she meant for more than tucking her in.

“It’s what I’m here for,” Kaidan replied softly.

“C’mere,” Emily murmured, tugging him in close and resting her hand against his cheek. “I am so incredibly lucky to have you in my life, Kaidan Alenko.” Her thumb rubbed absently against his stubble. “And I am incredibly grateful that I got so lucky.”

“Right back at you, Em,” Kaidan said softly, covering her hand with his own. “Besides, I’d be a pretty shitty boyfriend if I let you carry the weight of the galaxy by yourself.”

She snorted a laugh. “Hell yeah, you would. In that case, I’d’ve dumped you for Garrus.”

He pulled back slightly, raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Really?”

Emily giggled and patted his cheek. “No. He’s too much like my brother. It would’ve felt weird. ‘Sides, you’re the only one for me, Alenko.”

“Gee, thanks, Shepard,” Kaidan said glibly, teasing glint in his eye. “I think you’re pretty neat yourself.”

“Jerk,” she grumbled half-heartedly around a smile.

“I’ll pretend you believe that.” He kissed her forehead. “For a couple minutes.”

>>><<<

Kaidan stayed for another hour, which, as it turned out, was long enough to meet Emily’s roommate and his daughter when they got back from their walk. He proved to be a reticent individual, and his daughter introduced him(Eric) when she introduced herself(Nora). From their brief conversation Emily gleaned that Eric was a member of the local security forces and had been injured in an explosion when the Reapers first hit Earth. He was almost completely recovered, but there was some nerve damage that was holding him back.

It was at that point in the conversation that Eric grumbled something about them not caring about his life story and would she just help him with his damn pain meds? Which prompted Nora to smile apologetically and promise they could chat later as she ushered her father to his side of the room.

Emily watched as they went, noting the silver gleam where his left ankle should have been, the scars on that side of his face, coupling them with his clearly amputated arm, and winced internally at how nasty this explosion must have been.

She looked up at Kaidan as the privacy partition slid closed behind Nora and Eric. “I’d bet you my model ship collection he was military before he was local security.”

Kaidan shook his head. “I wouldn’t take that bet; I think you’re right.”

“Bet he’s goin’ stir-crazy being sidelined like this. Hell, I’ve only been out of service a month and I’m going stir-crazy.”

“Think you’ll be able to get along?” Kaidan asked, nudging her good shoulder.

“I can get along with anyone,” Emily joked. With the right personality adjustments. “But in all seriousness, if he wants to be left alone, I’ll leave him alone. It’s not like I was planning any wild parties.” She squeezed his hand. “Now, you go see your mother.”

“You sure? I can stay if you want company a little longer,” Kaidan said. “It’ll take long enough to get to the orchard that I wouldn’t make it back before visiting hours are over.”

“I’m sure. Your mom hasn’t gotten to see you in months, babe, and I’ve had you almost every day. I’ll still be here tomorrow, probably watching some cheesy dramedy that I’ll cajole you into watching with me. Go hug your mother. And give her one for me.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he grinned, kissing the back of her hand before he left. “See you tomorrow, hon.”

“See you then,” Emily nodded, part of her missing the feel of his hand as soon as it left hers. 

>>><<< 

Getting to the orchard was easier than Kaidan had expected. He’d been worried transportation services wouldn’t be running, that there would be a lot of debris to avoid, but neither turned out to be entirely true. It was a skeleton crew, and with the “alternate route” they had to take to avoid destroyed roads and razed buildings, it wound up costing an arm and a leg, but it was nowhere near the hassle he’d feared it would be.

He mother was waiting for him out front and barely gave him time to get out and pay the cabbie before she was folding him in one of her tight hugs. Kaidan hadn’t realized how much he’d missed them until now.

“Hi, Mom,” he said warmly, returning the hug. “How’re you doing?”

“Gettin’ along,” she replied with a chuckle. “Much better now that I’ve seen you. I’ll be even better once I have solid news about your dad.”

Kaidan frowned as he pulled back from the hug. “Still don’t know?”

His mother shook her head. “He’s still MIA. At this point I just want to know, one way or the other.”

He nodded. “I know the feeling.”

She gave him an understanding smile. “Better than I do, even. On that note, how’s Emily? Still distractingly cute?”

“I knew saying that was gonna swing around and bite me in the ass,” Kaidan grumbled lightheartedly as he followed her into the house.

“Honey, it’s adorable the way she makes you get all sappy. I remember what you were like after Alchera. She’s good for you. And I’m sure you’re good for her.”

He smiled. “So she claims. I do my best.”

His mother returned the smile with one of her own. “Come on, you can tell me how she’s doing while we get you settled in.” She glanced at his one small bag. “Is that all you have?”

Kaidan shrugged. “Most of my stuff is on the Normandy, and that’s still missing.”

“Well, good thing you left some of your things here. You should have enough to get by.”

“Hopefully. And on the subject of Emily… I’m worried about her,” he admitted. He hadn’t even let himself think it until now, but as the words passed his lips, he realized how true the were. “She’s says she’s okay, acts like everything’s fine, still sounds like herself…”

“But?” his mother prompted.

“But she had to carry the weight of the galaxy for far longer than any one person should, and she paid a heavy price to save it. She’s been having nightmares for months, but they’re worse now, and she’s been picking at her hangnails.”

“Lots of people do that,” his mother said, tapping on the the lights as they stepped into his bedroom.

“Until they bleed, Mom,” Kaidan clarified. He dropped his bag on the bed and sat next to it. “Em’s always picked at them, bitten her nails. But she’s never done it ‘til she bleeds before. And I’m just trying to figure out how I can help her…”

His mother sat next to him and squeezed his hand. “From the sound of things, keep doing what you’re doing. Be there for her, comfort her, make sure she knows you’re not going anywhere, and that she can talk to you about anything. That’s the best thing you can do for her. The rest she has to do herself.”

“Sounds like experience talking.”

“It is. Experience is how you get to be as wise as I am,” she teased.

“The truth comes out,” Kaidan said with a chuckle, eyeing the silver streaks through her dark hair. “Well then, O Wise Woman of Vancouver, I have another conundrum you could help me with.”

His mother nodded, eyes twinkling with mirth as she played along. “Of course, young man. How can Mother Alenko aid you today?”

“Em’s birthday’s in just over a month, and I have no idea what to get her as a present.” 

>>><<< 

No matter how much you loved Fleet and Flotilla, there were only so many times it could be watched in a month before you wanted to shoot both the leads in the head. Rather than reach that point with one of her favorite movies, Emily flipped off the vidscreen as soon as she saw the familiar opening credits.

She laid back and glared at the narrow black band around her left wrist. It didn’t do much good to have her omnitool back with her other arm and hand still immobilized. She couldn’t really do anything with it.

Emily ran through other options. Eric still had the privacy partition closed, and she she’d promised to leave him alone if that’s what he wanted, anyway. She hadn’t brought anything to read, and her audiobook collection was on the Normandy. Thinking about the Normandy made her think about Joker, which made her stomach flip uneasily, so she tried to distract herself.

Only one method came to mind. She stared hard at her feet and focused on trying to curl her toes. Five minutes, then ten. Nothing. Not the smallest little twitch to give her hope.

That’s okay, she decided. I’ll just keep trying. And trying. And trying, if that’s what it takes. Odds be damned, I will walk again. 

>>><<< 

Their pattern of all-day visits was broken about a week in, when Kaidan arrived to find Emily asleep.

“Therapist wore her out,” Eric said gruffly when he saw Kaidan enter.

“Thanks for the heads up,” Kaidan nodded, earning him a grunt of acknowledgement from Eric even as the man jabbed at the button that would close the partition again. Nothing new there, he thought, in reference to both Eric and Emily being worn out by the physical therapy. Now that there was no immediate danger of a relapse, her new therapist was pushing harder than the previous one.

He settled into a chair and brought up his omnitool to check his messages while he waited. There were a couple from Hackett that he just skimmed, one from Garrus reporting on the progress--or lack thereof--finding the Normandy. Wouldn’t that be a great birthday present; if I could give her good news about the Normandy… Kaidan sighed. Joker must’ve been flying that ship like a bat out of hell. Either that or they’d sustained heavy damage wherever they landed. If they landed.

As if she’d caught the negative direction of his thoughts, Emily flinched in her sleep. Kaidan barely had time to think Not again before flinching turned to thrashing and he had to climb in the bed to hold her still. She’d had three good days in a row; both of them had been hoping that meant the nightmares wouldn’t be such a problem anymore.

“Emily, wake up.” As always, he started quiet. Gentle. When that didn’t work, he progressively raised his volume  until it did. “Emmy, wake up!”

As always, she woke like she’d been drowning, breath catching raggedly in her throat, clinging to him desperately. As if afraid she’d go under again. A soft “No…” slid, barely audible, from her lips.

“Emmy, sweetheart, I’m right here.” He wrapped one arm around her shoulders, settling her back against his chest. “You’re safe. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

She clung to him, breathing hard, and rolled her head so her temple rested against his cheek. “I want them to stop.”

Kaidan held her tighter, his thumb rubbing circles against her shoulder. “I know, sweetheart. And if I could make them stop, I would.Is there anything I can do…?”

“You’re doing it,” Emily whispered, fractionally loosening her grip on his arm. “Just hold me. And maybe come up with a distracting topic of conversation.”

“Okay. What do you want for your birthday?”

“What?”

“Your birthday. It’s in three weeks, Em, and I have no idea what to get you.”

She thought for a minute, lightly biting her lower lip. “There’s… not really anything I want. Aside from the Normandy back and the ability to walk. Don’t think you can give me either of those.”

“Well, you’re damn unhelpful,” Kaidan complained teasingly.

Emily elbowed him in the ribs. “Terribly sorry I’m so content with what I have, Alenko. My audiobook collection’s pretty complete, I have all the ship models I want.” She snorted a rueful chuckle. “I do miss Boo, though, so if you could find a way to make my hamster magically appear in the rehab center, that would be pretty cool.”

“But if I could do that, I could make the Normandy magically appear somewhere,” Kaidan countered. “Wouldn’t that be better?”

“Good point. You’ll have to keep thinking, babe. I don’t have any ideas for you.”

“Drat.”

She laughed and reached up clumsily to pat the cheek she wasn’t leaning against. “You’re a smart man, Kay. You’ll think of something. Worst case scenario, promise to watch Fleet and Flotilla with me and that’ll be present enough.”

“Deal,” Kaidan nodded. “But hopefully I can do better than that.” 

>>><<< 

It took him almost the entire three weeks, several more brain-picking conversations with his mother, and a couple chats with Emily’s doctors, but Kaidan did figure out a better present than promising to watch a movie with her. Two, in fact.

The first being that his mother came with him to visit Emily on her birthday. The second…. Well, the second waited inside a large box that he had to use both hands to carry and that wouldn’t stop wiggling. 

>>><<< 

Much as she was looking forward to Kaidan’s visit and satisfying her burning curiosity in regards to what he’d gotten her, Emily greatly appreciated the universe’s birthday present as well--a solid night’s sleep. No nightmares, no ghosts, just blissful, dreamless oblivion. It was a promising start.

And it only got better from there.. Just a couple hours after visiting hours started she heard Kaidan’s familiar footsteps in the hallway, accompanied by another, lighter set. She was grinning even before they reached the room.

Emily gave Kaidan a small, excited wave. “Hey, babe.”

He smiled back and sat down the box he was carrying on the chair so he could lean over and give her a kiss. “Hi, sweetheart. I’m guessing you had a good night?”

“Best one in a month,” she confirmed, pulling back for a second kiss..

“Good. Happy birthday, Em.”

“Thanks.” She looked past him and smiled. “You must be Mrs. Alenko.” Carefully, proudly, she held out her right hand to shake. The sling and straps had only come off a week ago, and her shoulder was still a little stiff, but there, at least, the physical therapy had been helping.

Kaidan’s mother stepped forward as he stepped back, and bypassed the offered handshake to hug her instead. “It’s wonderful to finally meet you, Emily,” she said warmly. “But none of this Mrs. Alenko nonsense. Call me Rae.” She tossed a sly glance toward her son. “Or should we just skip straight to Mom?”

Emily laughed at Kaidan’s expression. “Oh, I like you. I think we’ll go with Rae for now, and save Mom for when it actually applies? But it’s good to know where you stand on that issue.”

Rae chuckled. “Thanks, I like you too. We’ll go with your plan, birthday girl, I just think it might save some time down the road,” she winked.

Kaidan cleared his throat. “Mom.”

“Alright, no more hinting, I promise,” She held up her hands in surrender as she stepped back from the bed. Emily noted with no small amount of amusement that Rae was only a couple inches shorter than her son. She’d always assumed Kaidan’s mother was a tiny bundle of enthusiasm and personality. She’d been laughably wrong.

“So, I’m dying to know what’s in the box…” Emily hinted, raising her eyebrows at Kaidan as the box in question wobbled.

He laughed. “Don’t you want to get out of bed first?”

“Oh. Yeah, sure, whatever.” She held out one arm expectantly and shoved down the covers with the other. “Wipe that grin off your face.”

Kaidan ignored the teasing order as he scooped her out of the bed. “You’re not my boss.”

“No, but shouldn’t you be humoring the birthday girl?”

“Touché,” he grinned, depositing her in the wheelchair and helping her get settled. “Alright then…”

Emily pretended not to notice when the lid bucked upward as Kaidan retrieved the box. “Pretty bow,” she commented, rubbing the pale blue ribbon between two fingers as she worked the lid loose. She’d hardly made any progress when it popped free on its own and fell to the floor. She found herself staring into a pair of mismatched eyes--one blue, one brown--set in the most adorable patchworked puppy face she’d ever seen.

“You got me a dog?!” She reached for the wriggling rust and cream-colored furball at the same moment the puppy launched herself forward to lick the new person and barely caught her. “Whoa! Much as I love the gesture, babe, I don’t think pets are allowed in here…”

Kaidan smiled, almost but not quite smug, as he watched her scratch the puppy’s ears. “She’s not technically a pet, hon.”

“She’s not?” Emily said skeptically, trying to fend off a thorough tongue bath with one arm while keeping the puppy in her lap with the other. “What is she, then?”

Kaidan traded looks with Rae. “A therapy dog.”

“Did… you make that up so you could give me a pet ‘cause I said I miss Boo?” Emily giggled.

“Nah, if it was that I would’ve just smuggled in a hamster,” Kaidan deadpanned. “Therapy dogs are a real thing, Em. Been around for decades. They’re used to help people who suffer from PTSD, night terrors, other trauma, feel safe.” He shrugged, reaching down to pet the puppy. “I figured if I can’t be here for you 24/7, Harmony’s the next best thing.”

“You are rather like a snuggly puppy,” Emily teased--before remembering his mother was in the room. The two of them glanced simultaneously over at Rae, who was kicked back in her chair with a huge grin plastered across her face.

“Just pretend I’m not here,” she said, grin never wavering. “I’m having a grand old time just watching you two.” She tucked her hands behind her head, cupped under her bun, and settled in more comfortably.

Emily cleared her throat self-consciously. “So… Harmony, huh? That’s her name?”

“Uh-huh.” Kaidan continued petting the puppy as he explained, “She’s an Australian shepherd-”

“Just like me,” Emily muttered under her breath, grinning impishly as she ruffled Harmony’s ears.

“You’re only half Australian and you know it,” he corrected with a laugh. “Now shush and let me finish. In addition to being a therapy dog, she has training as a service animal. So while you’re recovering--or even if you don’t all the way--she can help with things. Her trainers gave me an OSD with all the info and commands she knows. We can go over it together later, I figure for now you’ll want to get to know her.”

Emily nodded, then returned her attention to the puppy sitting patiently in her lap. “Are you gonna be my helper, girl?”

Harmony’s tail beat a happy pattern against Emily’s knees.

She grinned as she scratched under the dog’s chin, earning a please whine. “Can I call you Mo? Is that acceptable? ‘Cause I really like my pet names to have only one syllable.”

An affirming bark and more face kisses were her answer.

“Okay, Mo it is.” Emily ran a calming hand over the puppy’s head. “Shh.” She leaned to the side and place her on the floor. “Mo, sit.”

Mo sat.

“Good girl,” Emily praised, then smiled up at Kaidan. “Thanks, love.”

“You’re very welcome.” He knelt by the wheelchair and kissed her temple. “I’m just sorry we haven’t found the Normandy yet. I know it still being missing is bothering you, and having news would’ve been a great birthday present.”

“Yeah, it would’ve,” Emily agree, fingers snagging the collar of his shirt. “But I have everything I need right here.”

He smiled and let her pull him in for a kiss. 

>>><<< 

It was a good day, one Emily and Kaidan both planned to treasure for a long time to come. Rae left after a couple more hours, smiling as she said “to give you kids some privacy.” They didn’t use it to do anything exciting; just went through all the trainer’s instructions and videos for working with Harmony. Practicing with the dog ate up the rest of the day, and before they knew it, they were kissing goodnight so Kaidan could leave before they got a talking to. Again.

The next couple days were fairly standard, but then came the day Emily wasn’t in her room when Kaidan got there. Harmony and her wheelchair were both missing too, indicating this had been very much on purpose.

Still, he couldn’t help but blink in surprise at her absence. They’d gone on walks before, of course, but she’d always made a habit of waiting for him. He leaned around the partially open partition and checked that Eric was both there and awake before asking, “Did Emily happen to mention where she was going when she left?”

Eric shook his head. “No. But it sounded like she was crying. Or about to. Same difference.”

“Thanks.” Kaidan retreated and left the man to his solitude. Crying was a bad sign. As was the fact she’d actually left the room to do it. The privacy partitions were almost completely soundproof; she wouldn’t have been bothering Eric even in the room. He sighed and went looking. He’d find answers when he found her. 

>>><<< 

It took an hour. An hour Kaidan spent growing increasingly nervous and wishing he’d gotten Harmony chipped. He finally found her in a lonely, mostly empty, corner of the atrium’s upper level, staring out at the rain pelting the area. “Emily, what’s wrong?”

A slight flinch of one shoulder was the only evidence she’d heard him, but Harmony looked up before licking tears off Emily’s chin. Kaidan sat on the bench next to her chair and waited.

After a long moment, she sniffled and swiped at her tears with one hand. “Do... you know what today is?”

“No,” Kaidan had to admit, after wracking his brain for the possible significance.

“It’s Ash’s birthday,” Emily whispered, self-consciously rubbing the daisy tattoo on her shoulder, gaze still fixed out the window as she traced the blue-tinged petals.

“Oh.” He couldn’t really think of anything more to say. He knew of all the friends she’d lost and all the death she’d seen, Ashley still haunted her the most. “Em…”

“She would’ve… she would’ve been twenty nine,” she said, finally turning to look at him. “Twenty nine, Kaidan. She was only twenty five when-” Her words caught in her throat and she choked back a sob before whispering, “So. fucking. young.”

“Sweetheart-”

“You’d think, after three years I’d handle this better,” Emily pressed on raggedly, cutting him off. “But I can’t. She was the first real friend I ever had and I killed her, and I can’t…”

“Hey,” Kaidan said softly, moving to kneel in front of her and take both her hands in his. “That was not your fault. You said it yourself; it was Saren’s.”

She gave him a weak approximation of a smile and shook her head. “I can only believe that three hundred and sixty three days of the year. The other two... It was my mission, my call, my choice. I chose.” She pulled one hand free to thump accusingly against her chest. “Not Saren, me. And while I don’t regret for one second still having you with me--” she reached out to cup the side of his face--”I wish the price hadn’t been so damn high.”

He was quiet for a long moment, choosing his words with care, before simply acknowledging, “So do I.”

Emily stared absently at their joined hands, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles.  “Y’know, her mother never blamed me. We talked a few times, between Sovereign and the Collectors. She never blame me, never accused, never seemed resentful, just wanted to share stories.” Another tear rolled down her cheek and dripped onto Mo’s head. “Same with Sarah; I checked in with her during the Reaper War and same thing. She didn’t… she wasn’t angry or anything, just wanted to talk about Ash.”

“Honey,” Kaidan said slowly, “maybe the only one blaming you for Ash’s death is you.”

“Someone has to,” she muttered.

“No, they don’t,” he contradicted swiftly. “That’s bullshit. It wasn’t your fault, Em. You did everything in your power to save both of us, despite knowing it was most likely impossible. And if Saren hadn’t shown up and forced you to deal with him, you probably would’ve pulled it off.”

“You don’t know that,” Emily sniffled, one corner of her mouth quirking toward a smile regardless.

“Yes, I do. You are an amazing woman, Emily. If anyone could pull something like that off, it would be you.” Kaidan tilted his head so he could kiss her palm as it rested against his cheek. “And Ashley would kick your ass if she knew you were still wallowing in guilt about Virmire. So, to change the subject: favorite memory?”

“Of Ash?” Emily gave a shaky laugh as she thought about it. “Either getting our tattoos--because that was a fun day-- or when we helped track that black market mods dealer. Huh, nobody died.”

He smiled and moved back to sit on the bench, still holding her hand. “I could shoot someone if it would make you feel better.”

She actually, honestly grinned as she finished the remembered exchange. “Nah, I’m good. What about you? You have a favorite memory?”

Kaidan chuckled sheepishly. “Probably when she cleaned us out at Skyllian Five and didn’t let us live it down for a week. Or the time she quoted the entirety of some long-ass poem to shut Garrus up when they were arguing about… something. I can’t even remember any more.” He snorted. “Ironically, I think it had to do with human memory spans or capacity, or something like that.”

Emily giggled. “Didn’t we challenge her to a rematch over that Skyllian Five game?”

Kaidan nodded. “And she slaughtered us again. After which I gave up and you insisted she teach you her tricks. She ever get around to that?”

“A little,” Emily said. “We’d only had time for her to pass on one or two before…”

“Virmire,” he finished, and she nodded.

“I miss her,” she admitted softly. “So much.”

“I know,” he replied.

They sat for a few hours, reminiscing, before making their way back to Emily’s room. It wasn’t until after he left that night Kaidan realized Emily’s t-shirt had born 212 emblazoned across one sleeve.   

>>><<< 

The next several days were all good, which was a blessing, and the nights weren’t terrible, which was a damned miracle, far as she was concerned. She never went further than mumbling in her sleep--according to Eric, who was up thanks to insomnia. What nightmares she could remember having were vague and tame compared to most she’d had, and faded on their own.

Emily credited Mo for the improvement. Having the dog’s warm body snuggled against her while she slept was a big help. And--in theory, at least--Mo could rouse her if the nightmares got too bad. But they hadn’t. Yet. So she enjoyed not having dark circles under her eyes and having enough energy to banter with her physical therapist as the woman took her through the leg exercises. Even if they were hell, as always.

Still, she was in a good mood. A good mood which only improved when Fleet and Flotilla came on while Kaidan was visiting. It only took minimal cajoling to convince him to spend a chunk of visiting hours watching a movie. Especially after she also convinced her doctor to let them ignore said visiting hours “just this once”.

“That feels almost like abuse of power,” Kaidan teased, as the movie went to a commercial break.

Emily snorted as she adjusted Mo’s position to be more comfortable. “Please, I saved the galaxy twice and humanity three times. They can give me one night in rehab where I get to hang out with my boyfriend as long as we damn well please.”

He laughed. “I like the way you think.”

“So do I,” she grinned, squeezing his hand. “Except when my brain plays tricks on me. Today during PT, I could’ve sworn I felt the therapist’s hand on my ankle at one point. But I closed my eyes and couldn’t tell when she took her hand away.”

“Laura does have a light touch,” Kaidan reminded her.

Emily shook her head. “Not that light. It was just wishful thinking on my part, since Dr. Ahn mentioned all the swelling’s going down.”

“Give it time. There’s still a chance.”

She was saved from replying as the movie came back on. 

>>><<< 

It was a good thing she’d talked her doctor into letting Kaidan stay. The nightmares came back with a vengeance that night, worse than ever before. Ashley, Legion, EDI; all of her ghosts showed up. Some asked why, the faceless masses who had died on Earth, on Palaven, on Thessia stood in silent judgment that she’d been too slow. But worst by far was Ashley’s look of simple forgiveness. She understood. She didn’t blame Emily for having to choose, and that cut deeper than anything. Her guilt was like quicksand, rising to swallow her whole.

She struggled against it, but some of the faceless dead put hands on her shoulders and pushed her deeper. “No!”

A brief vision flared; elevator doors closing behind Mordin.

“I couldn’t stop him-”

It shifted to Thane, motionless in a hospital bed as Kolyat stood beside him.

“I couldn’t save-”

“Couldn’t,” the ghosts echoed.

“I’m sorry!!”

“Sorry…” they droned, pushing her down still further and wading in so their bodies melded with the quicksand dragging at her limbs.

“No, no, let go!” she begged, pulling hard.

“Emily,” Ash said, but it wasn’t her voice. More her voice mixed with Kaidan’s, fading to sound more and more like him. “Em, you’re dreaming, wake up!”

“I can’t!” she cried, the words falling in a muted echo as the hands settled like cold weights on her arms.

“Emily, wake up!”

With a wordless cry of panic, desperation, and just a little bit of rage, Emily pulled free of the hands and fought her way out of the quicksand, out of the nightmare--

And woke to Kaidan’s face mere inches from her own. His expression was stunned more than concerned, which she barely noticed as she gasped for breath.

Until he spoke, hardly audible over Mo’s concerned whines. “You kneed me in the back, Em.”

“Sorry,” Emily mumbled, still disoriented and fighting for equilibrium.

“No, Emmy.” Kaidan cupped her face in his hands, fingers buried under her disheveled black locks as he tipped her chin she’d meet his eyes. “You kneed me. In the back.”

One blink. Two. She was halfway through the third blink before the meaning of his words registered. “I did?!”

He grinned at the hope in her voice and kissed her almost triumphantly. “I can show you the bruise if you want.”

Emily giggled. Which turned to laughing. Which was quickly accompanied by tears. “That’s okay,” she managed. “I trust you.”

Mo hopped up on the bed and whined again as she started licking away the tears, pushing Kaidan out of her way.

“Oh, sweetie, I’m okay,” Emily sniffled, laughing as she gave the dog a reassuring pat. “Mommy’s fine.” She looked up at Kaidan. “So, do we call someone from the night shift and tell them? Or do we wait until tomorrow and tell either Laura or Dr. Ahn then?”

“It’s up to you,” Kaidan said, reaching over Mo’s head to tuck back Emily’s hair.

She deliberated for a few minutes, attempting to curl her toes--with no apparent success--the whole time. “We can wait ‘til morning. There’s no real rush, is there? And I’m really tired. Just remember what time it happened and I think it’ll be fine.”

“Alright, Now, no offense to Harmony, but I think I’m going to take over cuddling duties for the rest of the night.”

“Why not just share?” Emily pointed out, and waited until he was settled behind her, her back against his chest, and then patted a spot for Mo. The puppy cocked her head, but crawled to the indicated position without complaint. “See? Perfect. Nightmares begone.”

Kaidan chuckled and kissed behind her ear. “Hopefully that works.” 

>>><<< 

It did. There were no more disturbances until morning when Dr. Ahn came to check on Emily. She and Kaidan reported the events of the previous night, which the doctor described as “encouraging”  but warned Emily not to get her hopes up. “This happens sometimes in patients with injuries similar to yours; they experience some muscle spasms but never regain full mobility.”

“Noted,” Emily replied, but when Laura came to do PT, she told her, too.

Laura grinned in response and used a firmer hand than usual in the morning’s exercises--a firmer hand that Emily felt. Only around her feet and ankles, and she still had no movement below her hips, but it was enough for now. Little victories and all that.

Over the next few weeks, she regained more and more feeling in her legs. It happened slowly, sometimes with days between changes, but eventually she could feel everything again. It was no small source of irritation that mobility didn’t accompany the feeling, but Dr. Ahn and Laura both assured her this was a good progress, a sign the nerves weren’t irreparably damaged and just needed time to heal. Which was great and all, but the one downside to getting back feeling before function was all the exercises Laura had her doing hurt so much more but were still necessary.

Still, with the hope of walking tantalizingly close, Emily powered through. Usually with help, or at least moral support, but today Kaidan’s omnitool beeped and he excused himself midway through. He didn’t come back until she was finished, and he was grinning. Completely disregarding the sweat and frizzy hair, he bent and kissed Emily’s forehead.

“You want some good news, gorgeous?” he asked, handing her a glass of water.

“My favorite kind,” she panted, waving goodbye to Laura and gulping half of the water in one swallow.

“Well, first of all, they have enough of the network running again that Galaxy of Fantasy servers are back up-”

“Hell, yes!” Emily crowed, sweeping hair back out of her face.

“-on a limited, local basis,” he continued, chuckling at her enthusiasm. “In other words, just the Sol system. And Garrus bets two hundred credits he can beat you in a death match.”

“Got it, and like shit he can,” Emily scoffed, but she was curious enough to follow up. “Real credits or game credits?”

Kaidan laughed. “He didn’t say. You’ll have to clarify before you beat him to a pulp.”

“I’ll do th- Wait, you talked to Garrus? And have good news?” She paused in the middle of calling up her omnitool. “Does that mean what I think it means?!”

“They may have picked up the Normandy on the long-range scanners,” he confirmed. “Maybe. They picked up a unique ship signature, but that’s as specific as they can get with the equipment running half-strength while the relays are being repaired.”

“Some hope is better than none,” Emily shrugged, fingers tapping against her knee. She thought of the conversation she still needed to have with Joker and grimaced briefly. I don’t care. We can have a dozen hard conversations, he can hate me for the rest of my damn life, as long as I know he and the others are alright, it’ll be okay.

Kaidan must have caught the brief grimace, because he sat next to her and reached for her hand. “You alright?” he asked, settling their palms together and linking his fingers between hers.

Emily smiled and squeezed his hand. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

For the first time in ages she truly meant it.

----------------------------------------

Obviously there’s more to their story that I want to tell eventually. But I was under a deadline and this is over 17k, so I figured it was long enough. Fun fact: I got to write Emily’s birthday on my birthday. :DDD (yes, I’ve been sitting on this since June) Talk about good timing. Also, I’m really proud of this and it took a lot of work, so it’s gonna get self-reblogged a bunch. :P

[spacesquirrel]

Drawn for Galexz story, “The Heist” for the @MEBigBang! I’m quite pleased with this one, as well... my first attempt at drawing a non-human character! Pretty pleased with how Peebee turned out. I mean granted, they’re humanoid but still.  I highly suggest you go check this fic out: even if you’re not a Reyder fan, the romance is not front and centre and the plot is sooooo good. Think Oceans 11, but with Mass Effect and way better. You’ll love it. I did :)

[theoriginalladya]

Writing Round Up - 2021

So, let's take a look at what happened in 2021 as a whole with the writing.

I did manage to write every single month - not unusual for me. In fact, it would be more unusual to NOT write at all in a month, so right on track with that.

So, let's see what's going on here: (under cut because it got long! lol what're the odds, right? ;) )

New Projects/Postings - completed

Young & Proud - Caleb Shepard (sniper school)

Slán leat (Goodbye) - Caleb Shepard

May The Road Rise To Meet You - Caleb Shepard (Akuze)

No Rest for the Wicked - MEBB 2021; Caleb Shepard, ME/WWII

A Constant Wish - Caleb Shepard

Gaia's Chosen - Caleb Shepard - Werewolf: The Apocalypse crossover

Express Orders - Kristofer Shepard

Hello There, Handsome - Kristofer Shepard

Home - Kristofer Shepard

Firestorm - Kristofer Shepard

Next Stop... - Alenkoats

Breathless - Alenkoats

MER Week 2021 - Alenkoats

As Cold As Ice - Alenkoats

A War That Needs Winning - Abboats

Shut Up and Dance - Abboats

Greatest Reward - modern day mshenko

Dinosaur Brain - Rhys Shepard

The Barn - Rhys Shepard

New Projects/Postings - ongoing

Found Family: A Collection of Drabbles - Caleb Shepard

Keep to the West - Caleb Shepard - ME/WWII

Gaia's Blessings - drabbles for Werewolf Caleb Shepard

Cadenza - Lachlan Shepard

Nerf Gun Wars - mshenko shenanigans

A Lone Light From Shore - modern day mshenko - drabbles

A Beacon of Hope - modern day mshenko

If London Falls... - Abboats

Late Night At the Vortex - drabbles for Rydenko

Dribbles & Drabs - Caleb, Michael, Kristofer Shepard and Abboats drabbles

Ostinato - Lachlan Shepard drabbles

Heiwa ni - Takao Shepard

Never Close Our Eyes - Rhys Shepard - drabbles

Destiny's Fate - ShepShep

The Dye Is Cast - Dragon Age drabbles

These are all the major ones - I'm sure I've forgotten a few of the continuing ones that house certain drabbles, but this'll do.

As I look at this list, I'm remembering some of the ones from earlier in the year I'd forgotten about. It's a good way to remind myself I did more than I thought.

My total word count for the year was: 543,233. Over half a million words. (for comparison, the last time I did a full year's worth of writing (2017) I wrote 668,228 for the year. But the next year, I fizzled out by the time I had 150,000 words (around April) and stopped tracking it. It wasn't until April/May 2020 when Caleb Shepard was born that I got back into writing and I didn't start tracking how much I was writing again until 2021)

My Daily Average word count was 1488. Almost on par with Nano for the year.

Highest Month/Wordcount: April - 70,866

Lowest Month/Wordcount: December - 23,849

So, assuming I can keep on track writing wise, what are my goals for 2022?

make substantial progress on Destiny's Fate. I am almost to the halfway point on that story, but even if I posted once a week from here out, it still won't get done until 2023, but I'm okay with that.

God, Caleb Shepard has been in my brain since mid-2021 and unrelenting! LOL I have a number of AU projects (Werewolves, Celtic, WWII, etc.) going for him that I would like to make progress on or complete, plus a couple of new ones.

I also want to make progress on some of Caleb's mainstream stuff. If I go in order of his timeline, I have an interlude piece for between Akuze and when he's N7 I want to get done, plus a story for once he IS N7 where he and his battle buddy, Rosa Morales-Minton team up (and an unsuspecting Kaidan walks into things...), plus I want to get his post-war fics started and (hopefully!) posted. I have a LOT of writing planned for him, and that's outside of prompts and drabbles!

I'm going to see if I can't get caught up on all my Christmas/Holiday prompts I wanted to do in December and get them posted in July for a "Christmas in July Celebration". That includes another AU story for Caleb and a ton of prompts. Some of my other boys are included too.

I would like to start would like to start exploring Rhys Shepard's experiences at BAaT with Kaidan in more depth and maybe get their story moving forward.

Lachlan... sigh My Scottish/Colonist boy has been so patient with me. He's tossed a TON of ideas at me this past year which I've gotten down, but Caleb's refused to let go of my brain to focus on them. Hopefully this year, it'll happen!

Nerf Gun Wars - I need to add a few more chapters to the ongoing shenanigans there...

As of December 30, 2021, I have a new project idea for 2022 (assuming I can get it going). It may or may not be a contender for MEBB when that rolls around (depending on how developed it is). It has the potential to be REALLY FUN but it may turn into one of those HUGE projects that takes far too long to plot out and plan. Still, it's already underway, so there's always a chance actual writing will begin...

I'm sure I'll adjust my goals and set new ones as the year goes on. I may or may not track my numbers again this year. While I'd like to - there's a certain sense of achievement when I hold myself accountable like this - I also know that with the way things are at the moment, my stress levels may make writing difficult and the lack of numbers can be discouraging (no matter how I tell myself it's okay to not focus on them). Eh, we'll see how it goes.

[bardofheartdive]

Year in Review 2019

I was tagged (kinda? sorta? close enough!) by @cdrkateshepard. I will tag @blueteaparty, @joufancyhuh, @ljandersen, @pigeontheoneandonly, (only if you want to) and anyone else who wants to play!

Published

I actually did better than I thought. Two exchanges, a mini-MEBB, and a full length MEBB will do that, I suppose.

Fragile: Pinch hit written for the 2018 Critmas Exchange. (But published in 2019, so it still counts right?) Kima/Allura Vysoren featuring small appearances by Vox Machina. 

Easy Money: Mini-Reverse MEBB with art by @bioticfox. My take on how Feron got involved with the Shadow Broker.

Five Times Kaidan Fixed James’ Phone (and one time James fixed his): My SpecRec assignment, a gift for @thisnewjoe. Kaidan Alenko/James Vega, college AU where Kaidan works at the IT Help Desk and James is as good at tech as he is in canon.

Echoes Remain: Full-length reverse MEBB with art by @azzydarling herself. Super angsty, break your heart Kaidan Alenko/mShep. Warnings for Major Character Death.

Heads I’m Yours, Tails Your Mine: Kaidan Alenko/James Vega collab with @bioticfox that we started for Leather and Lace Week in 2017 and FINALLY finished after 2 years (please don’t judge). 

Times Long Past: Songfic based on Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg. Kaidan Alenko & Rahna is the primary focus though there is background Kaidan Alenko/mShep/James Vega. (Because it’s me.)

Written

I don’t even know how to answer this question. Total from published works is 28,623 but some of that was previously written and that doesn’t count WIPs so... who knows?

Miscellaneous

Okay, so not a writing thing but I really wanted to include the crafts that I did this year. Because, honestly, it’s not a complete review without them.

N7 dice bag for the 2018 Holiday Harbinger exchange. (Like Critmas, posting was first thing in the year so I’m counting it with 2019.)

Thane messenger bag, also for 2018 Holiday Harbinger. This one was a pinch hit and I was glad to get it!

Kaidan pencil/make-up bag. I made this for Kaidan Week 2019 and then used it as a give-away prize for participation in the week.

Rice hot/cold pack with N7 cover. This was a Christmas gift for @cdrkateshepard and I’m so pleased with the way it turned out.

My 2019 Holiday Harbinger gift is completed, however it has not been mailed yet so I’ll just include it with next year’s review, I guess.

Future

I have a whole bunch of WIPs (some of which have been sitting in folders for years) and my goal for 2020 is completion so... here’s a smattering. (Most of them are unnamed or have working titles.)

14000606: An Avengers: Endgame ending rewrite, because I have some issues with what canon gave me.

Not the First Time, Nor the Last (working title): Collab with @rock-paperback-scissors, her art, my fic. Her Jon Shepard (Commander Shepard’s father) joins forces with my Veerla Sterling (not-Shepard) to fight Cerberus on Earth during ME3.

5 Times Shepard Stayed Awake (and 1 time she didn’t): Probably the only thing I will ever write for Gina, one of my not-a-Shepards. This has been in my WIP folder for years and I’d really like to get it finished.

Besame: A Walk in the Clouds AU with @cdrkateshepard, my Alé Ryder with her Jack Shepard. Features fake dating, bed sharing, nightmares, and, above all, true love. Possible one-shots to follow, maybe.

Hopefully, something with @cdrkateshepard’s Sully Shepard and my Veerla Sterling (Shepard). Zombies? We’ll see!

I plan to do the MEBB again this year, though I’m not 100% sure what I’m going to write about. I have a couple different ideas so it’s just a matter of which one catches my fancy enough to get going with it.

I also plan to do SpecRecs, depending on the dates (and how much they overlap with the MEBB).

I’m going to start doing an annual sewing project giveaway for my birthday. The plan for this one is a set of Avatar: The Last Airbender potholders.

[gwynbleiddyn]

2, 13, 14

yooo thank you!! sorry i took so long to respond lordt ;-;

2. Favorite piece overall?

Oooooof, I’m not sure. Zero Hour is definitely my biggest ‘fic moment’ for sure, but I think I prefer the writing in The Devil You Know that I did for MEBB 2017. 

My favourite piece could well be in progress tho, I’ve started the initial draft of my main Odyssey fic and so far I’m really enjoying it and trying my hardest with not falling into bad habits I’ve gotten into (can I write dialogue??? absolutely not im so sorry) and it’s shaping up, little by little. But I can’t say more or I’ll be spoiling it ;o;

13. Are there any things that might have happened in any of your stories, but you changed them at the last minute? (So-and-so dies, they don’t actually kiss, main character has long extended ballet-based dream sequence, etc.)

Zero Hour was actually going to end with Cade forced into stasis after the Archon took over his Cerberus implants. Kind of like the reverse of a deus ex machina - the synthetic life would inevitably destroy the organic mind. #mybad. A rehash of Overlord in a sense, where Scott had to enter a virtual mind to get Cade back or risk losing him for good. It was going to be a way of ‘detaching’ Cade from his Cerberus ties / actually being able to start over, but by the time I got to planning it I just completely lost steam with the idea and wanted to wrap it up - so I stuck to Andromeda’s ending.

14. Would you want to write canon for any of your fandoms (like be hired by showrunner to do an episode)? Which one?

no thank u goodnight fandoms terrify me

fic questions!

[zimbyplays]

20 Questions Tag

I got tagged by lovelies @nooblet-sims and @garybob13 The “Rules” of this are that you answer the 20 Questions (Obviously) and then try to tag 20 people! -Name: Jackie -Zodiac sign: Sagittarius -Height: 5′2″ -Languages spoken: English, though someday maybe I’ll learn Bulgarian -Nationality: American -Favorite Fruit: Pears -Favorite Scent: Roses and most types of water scented candles -Favorite Color: Greens and pinks -Favorite Animal: Whale sharks and turtles/sea turtles -Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate: love all of them, but I drink tea more often -Favorite Fictional Character: Shawn Spencer -Dream Trip: I wanna go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter please -When was your blog created: Late January 2017 -Last Movie You Watched: in theaters? Dead Pool 2 I think. -Songs You’ve had on Repeat: Tessa Violet’s Crush or Haze  -Favorite Candy: Who knows anymore. Twix mebbe -Favorite Holiday: Holidays are overrated. I’m an old lady, get off my lawn. And now I must tag 20 people.. @thedancingsim, @simlydarling, @brndletonbae, @kiwipixels, @sunbellade, @nerdysimmer, @panda-plumbobs, @simmingbee, @captainsilversims, @llamasnplumbobs... and ten other people... you know who you are Of course, if you’ve already done it or don’t wanna, ABORT.

[parkminijiminie]

yesterday i passed a boy huddled with his bookbag at a bus stop who looked just like a soft pre-debut JM, poorly dressed, crap student haircut, thick-framed glasses with fat cheeks and big puffy lips, and i was thinking... if JM had never gone to BH, what would have become of him. No one was giving this kid the time of day, yet he had all the JM ingredients (mebbe not dance but who knows). Got me thinking, how many people are sitting in class with their own pre-debut JM and ignoring him?

Oh, Anon, just thinking about pre-debut Jimin makes me soft. His round cheeks and cute nose and crappy haircut (sorry, he was still cute) melts me. Jimin I think would have turned out successful no matter what, he was very smart at school, was already a great dancer, he got accepted into one of the best schools. Things looked promising for him even before BH. Plus as it had been said many times before JM just has the *it* factor, the charisma. Even without being an idol he would have charmed people left and right with his infectious smile and caring nature and being the hard worker that he is I have no doubt we would have had a good career. As for the boy you saw. It's possible that in a few years time he'd be the next JM or a scientist or a famous actor or just a regular Joe leading their normal life. We don't know how the people we meet will turn out but what I do believe is that everyone has the potential to become more than meets the eye and we should never diminish a person's dreams (especially a child's). Who knows where they can get if we just support and encourage them?For years no one believed in BTS either, they were looked down on and if you told anyone back then they would get where they are today, they wouldn't believe you, BTS wouldn't believe you probably. So much unimaginable things have happened in 2017 alone. But imagine how fun it would be if that boy you saw truly turns out like JM. How proud will you be if you recognise him and how sorry will everyone else who might have doubted or ignored him be? It's amazing how much potential for greatness there is in each of us. We just have to find where it lays and work on it.

[spacesquirrel]

I am probably the most proud of this artwork vs anything else I’ve done up to this point (and no, not just because its Reyes *swoon*).

This was for the  @mebigbang, and is the artwork to go with the lovely @notebookalpha‘s story!! Which, by the way, is FANTASTIC, and I really, really suggest you should give a read: The Unrivaled.

She is one of my favourite authors and this one does not disappoint :)

[hunnybadgerv]

A Year In Review: 2017

Tagged by the absolutely fantastic @joufancyhuh, thanks so much dear.

1. Your 3 fanfics with the most comments in 2017:

Off-Duty Booty

Intruder

Irritability

2. Your 3 fanfics with the most kudos in 2017:

A Fool’s Proposal

Morning Snow

A Warden In Need

3. Your 3 fanfics with the most Bookmarks in 2017:

A Fool’s Proposal

Morning Snow

Off-Duty Booty

4. Your first fanfic in 2017

Visceral Symphony

5. Your last fanfic in 2017

Last fic posted: No Dress Code: Gone Fishin’

Last Fic Written: Unshakable Duty

6. Favorite Opening line from a fic in 2017

Small electrical fires crackled around the cockpit, hissing and spluttering, while new ones tried to spark to life. (Discreet Static)

7. Favorite ending line from a fic in 2017

“I am yours,” he whispered against her lips, but it was Cyna that sealed the kiss. Zevran knew it was all the reply he’d get, and at that moment it was enough. (A Warden In Need)

8. Your favourite character to write for in 2017

Bain Massani, by far. 

9. Your favourite pairing to write for in 2017

Umm, I’m not sure who to choose. I’m actually enamored with several of them, though right now I’m kind of keen on Templar!Sebastian and Siobhán.

10. Your proudest fic from 2017:

Unshakable Duty This idea came from @joufancyhuh and it’s really kind of taken over my brain.

11. Your Longest Fanfic in 2017:

Man of Aesthetics My MEBB fic. It was so much fun to write.

12. Any goals for 2018?

Finish A Templar’s Promise

Finish Unshakable Duty

Write 100K on First Watch of the Night

Write 100K on Solitude: Before I See

12 Days of Fanfiction Gifts in December

Write more Shoker

Write more Baeyes

Write more Templar!Sebastian--I’d really like to finish up the series I have in mind for him

Start working on my original fiction projects as well

Read more

13. Tag some people

I’m not sure who has or hasn’t done this yet, but I’m going to tag @ofmanynames, @foofyschmoofer, @inuy21, and @ladyamesindy

[rokachan]

End of 2017 meme: You are the biggest goddamned sweetheart and eventually I am going to go ahead and RP with you eventually. You light up my dash and I have the biggest crush on your muse.

sdfhsdkhfs THANK? I’m just... Gonna hide nao cause that’s super sweet? x.x Am ded.

b-but I can still mebbe rp with you? Zombies can type, right? By all means I would love to make more rp contacts, so you are entirely welcome to give me a poke anytime.

[bardofheartdive]

Fic Wrap-up Meme

Tagged by @joufancyhuh

Your 3 fanfics with the most comments in 2019:

Echoes Remain, my angsty, mShenko MEBB

Five Times Kaidan Fixed James’ Phone (and one time James fixed his), SpecRecs for @thisnewjoe

Fragile, a pinch hit for the 2018 Critmas Exchange

Your 3 fanfics with the most kudos in 2019:

Fragile

Five Times Kaidan Fixed James’ Phone (and one time James fixed his)

Echoes Remain

Your 3 fanfics with the most Bookmarks in 2019:

Tie between Echoes Remain and Fragile

Tie between Echoes Remain and Fragile

Five Times Kaidan Fixed James’ Phone (and one time James fixed his)

(I swear I wrote more than three fics in 2019, these 3 were just the most popular by a LARGE margin)

Your first fanfic in 2019:

Fragile (for the 2018 Critmas Exchange)

Your last fanfic in 2019:

Times Long Past, a Kaidan Christmas fic set in my mShenga universe (Unless I happen to whip something out in the next week. Don’t hold your breath.)

Favorite Opening line from a fic in 2019:

Kaidan hadn’t planned to spend Christmas Eve in the grocery store but somehow between seeing his mom off, making arrangements to get John and James home by New Year, and getting everything squared away with his students and subordinates, he found himself alone in an apartment with no coffee, an empty refrigerator, and exactly half a roll of toilet paper. (Times Long Past)

Favorite ending line from a fic in 2019:

Kima had never loved fragile things. But nothing about Allura had ever been fragile. (Fragile)

Your favorite character to write for in 2019:

Kaidan Alenko, to absolutely no one’s surprise.

Your favorite pairing to write for in 2019:

Kaidan Alenko/James Vega, though it’s not a very clear margin. All of the fics that I started AND finished in 2019 have different pairings. Kaidan/James only pulls again if I include Heads I’m Yours, Tails You’re Mine, a collab with @bioticfox for Leather and Lace Week, which we finished this year but started in 2017. (don’t judge, okay?)

Your proudest fic from 2019:

Echoes Remain. It was my first solo, full length MEBB and the longest thing I’ve ever written. Also, I’m just really proud of how the whole thing came together. The world and the plot were challenging but in the end I think I did well with it.

Your Longest Fanfic in 2019:

Echoes Remain again. Like I said, longest fic to date.

Any goals for 2020?

Completion. I have a lot of WIPs that have been sitting around for months (or years) and that I really want to finish. I also would like to do the MEBB again and SpecRecs Exchange.

Tag some people

@alyssalenko, @blueteaparty, @pigeontheoneandonly, and @soldiermom1973. Only if you want to play!

[estalfaed-archived]

Creator 2017 Tag

2017 was a big year for me. I got back into writing, even tried my hand at editing a few things. I was tagged by the lovely @blueteaparty in THIS post and the fantastical @renlyslittlerose in THIS post. Please look at their works, they are fantastic. I am flattered that y’all would think of me for this.

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you’ve created this year (fics, art, edits, etc!) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2017. Tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original!) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works.

1. With Open Eyes - My first foray into the ME fandom and fan fiction in general. It’s an OC/OC fic with Mshenko easter eggs. It was a rough thing that I hammered out as I was trying to process some of my own emotional grief at endings, not always happy ones. It deals with death, depression, suicidal thoughts and loss. It’s a look at a soldiers life after the Reaper War, how he tries to survive losing the love of his life. It’s sad. But then again, sometimes life is really sad. I’m so damn proud of it. 

2. I Fled Your Memory - My first MEBB and it was a doosy of a project. I put a lot of emotional and mental energy into this, and I’m really happy with the way it turned out. It got a heck of a lot more response than I ever imagined as its a rare pair. Pleased as punch people were requesting a sequel. 

3. What We Witness - A little drabble I wrote based off of a stunning few screen caps that were jumbling around on tumblr. There is something really powerful in the changes to Kaidan from ME:1 to ME:3. The mans been through hell and its taken its tole on his body. 

4. You Were My Best Friend - A little fic that I wrote for Shepard Appreciation Week this year. I took a few screen caps that I loved and wrote a little thing about Shepard and Kaidan, about their friendship and how John’s death impacted that. How they can come together and still, well, still be good for each other. 

5. THIS post about Kaidan’s butt and Shepard really appreciating the view. Totally relateable.

Shameless self plug. Here is my list of tumblr writings I’ve done. Its not been totally updated, but its got a good chuck of it, if you wanted to check it out, ha!

Gonna tag a few folks now! Feel free to ignore this if you want! @bagog, @whenthewallscamedown, @threewhiskeylunch, @n0rmandysr1, @autodiscothings, @you-are-a-program, @fiishes, @scottrydcrs

Cheers! I hope 2018 is a year of much creativity for all of us!!

[nixienocturne]

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2017/07/11/why-do-tibetan-monks-wash-away-the-mandalas-they-create/

@brazenbastard

Mebbe the linkll work now.

[bethadastra-art]

“Stop looking at me like this, Kandros. You’ll make my heart melt...”

MEBB 2017 is here and ready to rock your world!

(many thanks to the amazing @sunshine-ita for writing this amazing story and putting up with all of my crazy concept sketches!)

[bioticfox]

Creator 2017 Tag

The one and only @bardofheartdive tagged me in this. I loaf you <3 Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favourite works you’ve created this year (fics, art, edits, etc!) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2017. Tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original!) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works. <3

Graphics/Edits

Lexi T’Perro graphic Liam x Peebee graphic for @omegastation

Fics

The last first kiss(es) - Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard/James Vega (end game, with scenes of Venko, Mshenko and Mshega) - 2.3k - Teen

My @spectre-requisitions-exchange fic for @bardofheartdive . I did really enjoy writing this one, and am also super looking forward to this year’s Spec Reqs, which is open for nominations now! Yay! Spinning a Yarn -  Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard/James Vega -  900 - Teen -Written with @bardofheartdive (it’s like I depend on her to share my OT3 feels or something.

This one was lots if fu to write, mainly as it was a collab with the ever awesome Bard, but also as it’s a little bit of silliness. 

Lost Things - Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard - 18.5k - Teen - HTTYD AU

I have to give a mention to my MEBB fic, simply because it’s the longest fic I have ever written. I also think it shows that I improved since my MEBB last year. 

I don’t know who to tag, so I’m tagging everyone who reads this. That means you!

[bethadastra]

MEBB 2017 Art Masterpost:

It’s finally here!!! Out Of Darkness is here, and ready to read! I love love loved working with @sunshine-ita on this amazing story; I just had to make some extra illustrations because it is that good. This was an amazing project to be a part of; click below to experience Out Of Darkness in all of its glory!

Read Out Of Darkness here

note: final illustration has been cropped since it is NSFW. Head on over to AO3 if you want to see the whole shebang!