#its all mshenko

[shenkospectres]

playing mass effect 3 is like excuse me while i commit genocide to tap that ass

[clericofshadows]

"...that's what I lov—appreciate about you." "I think you need more practice appreciating me. On the floor and give me twenty, Lieutenant."

[monowires]

i’m gonna say it. mshenko’s development over the third game is so beautifully bittersweet.

two men who know they could wake up the next day without the other by their side, still deciding to love each other like they had the rest of their lives. and in a way, they did.

shepard’s “someone to live for,” which is so telling if you look at it for a moment. a man who has died and been resurrected—a man who knows what it’s like to die—admitting, albeit subtly, that he didn’t have any real purpose. nothing that was more personal than trying to save the entire galaxy. but kaidan… kaidan gave him something concrete to fight for. something that made him think, “gods dammit, i want to live.” something that made him see a person when he looked in the mirror, and not just a weapon.

kaidan’s “you’re real enough for me,” which tells of the depth of his love. because here, kaidan is saying that it doesn’t matter if shepard is some fancy, elaborate cerberus clone. here, he’s saying that he has finally been able to put some of his doubts and worries to rest—perhaps not all of them, but enough, enough that most of the hurt and anger from his sudden reappearance has been quelled. it’s kaidan saying that he loves shepard; that he’s not overlooking his flaws, but rather that he loves shepard with such an intensity that he loves his flaws, too, because they are part of him. it’s kaidan, who has always had an iron grip over his emotions ever since baat, admitting that shepard has somehow made him feel something so intense and so important that he’s letting it grow of its own accord. that shepard somehow got past all of his self control in a way that was utterly terrifying—and in some ways, still is.

it’s two men who are both broken in their own ways finding it a little easier to hold themselves together when they have the other by their side. it’s something so, so beautiful finding a way to grow amidst a world of destruction and loss.

and gods dammit, i’m so normal about them.

[bagog]

N7 Month, 2023 - Day 8: Crash

It's a little mshenko pre-relationship drabble.

++

“I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you actually did it.” Kaidan’s tone was ambiguous to Shepard’s ear, and he tried not to imagine either mockery or genuine pathos in it.

“Sometimes I can hardly believe the things I do myself,” Shepard responded, bitter though still in Command. The two marines stood, fully armored but without helmets, on the barren expanse of an alien world—grasslands as far as the eye could see. Before them, at the base of a massive grassy mound, the Mako was lying upside down, one of its wheels still idly spinning as the mass effect field generators tried in vain to right the vehicle.

It wasn’t Shepard’s fault, not really, and he would swear it up and down. After all, it wasn’t the first time the damn thing had flipped on the rough terrain of a distant world. The fact that it always righted itself—at great strain to the field generators—had sort of given everyone the impression that truly crashing the Mako would be impossible.

“And yet, here we are…” Shepard muttered under his breath.

“Hm, Commander?”

“Nothing, Kaidan. Can we… let’s just try one more time, huh?” Shepard began to glow blue.

“Shouldn’t we wait for Wrex?” Kaidan glowed sympathetically, stiffening his posture, apparently expecting not to wait. And, honestly, Wrex had climbed out of the crash and proceeded to track off over the hills to find a quiet place to relieve himself—that had been 30 minutes ago.

“Afraid the two of us aren’t enough to do ourselves, Lieutenant?” Shepard grinned slyly at Alenko, the other man’s mouth twitched just barely into a smile.

“You know what they say about trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results…”

With that, they both tried their best to surround the Mako with a mass lowering field, hoping to give the Mako’s own field generator’s a little help.

The thing rocked back and forth, even animatedly for a moment, but they couldn’t get it to flip back onto its wheel.s

“Alright,” Shepard sighed, powering down his biotics. “Get Joker on radio, tell him we need him to find a place to land close to our position, then we’ll need a detail out here to get this thing flipped.”

“On it, Commander.” Kaidan walked off a few paces to make the call, and Shepard tried not to listen it. “…yeah. ….completely upside down… …trust me, we’ve tried…”

Shepard kneeled down and felt the grass, or rather, didn’t feel it through his gauntlets, but it seemed like it must be soft. He sat down and watched the clouds drift by overhead—something denser than earth clouds… Before long, he had laid his head back in the grass, stretched out at the base of the hill.

He lost track of time staring up before he noticed Kaidan returning.

“Joker’s ETA is 42 minutes to have us out of here.”

“Might as well take a load off. Have a seat, Alenko.”

Kaidan opened his mouth as if to say something, but then merely shrugged and lowered himself to the grass beside Shepard. They passed a long moment like that.

“Funny, we visit all these planets and I feel like I never just stop to breathe in the… air, or whatever. To take in the sights. It’s beautiful here. Probably no human eyes have ever seen it before.”

Shepard turned his head, examined the lines on Kaidan’s face as he wistfully stared out at the countryside below them.

“Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing we crashed,” Shepard said, his tone thicker with the intimacy of the moment than he had wished. The laugh lines appeared around Kaidan’s eyes and his cheeks dimpled when he smiled wide.

“That’s what I admire about you, Shepard, always seeing the bright side of things.”

“Not always,” Shepard replied softly. He continued to study Kaidan’s face, the way he leaned back on his elbows, the way the alien wind played in his hair. “I just think I’m lucky, that’s all.”

“Well, I’m happy to be out here with you, then.” For a moment Kaidan turned that warm smile on Shepard, and he felt himself beaming in response.

“Likewise, Kaidan.”

[n0rmandysr1]

Fic Masterpost

Probably beyond time I did one of these!

Mass Effect

A Sea of Stars

Series focusing on Emilia Shepard, paragade Vanguard. Ashley romance, milscifi flavour with some changes to canon because dear god Alliance ranks give me conniptions.

Main Storyline: Elysium (pre-canon, complete) | Encroachment (ME1, complete) | Respite (post-ME1, complete) | What Lives In The Dark (post-ME1 Cerberus storyline, complete) | Anabasis (post-Alchera, hiatus) | Fianchetto (ME2, complete) | Conciliation (ME2: LOTSB, complete) | Vendetta (ME3, ongoing)

Side Fics: Kingmaker (pre-ME3, written by my friend and cowriter, indefensiblezed, ongoing) | Only Light (ME1 smut, complete as its gonna get) | Points of Departure (oneshots and side stories, ongoing)

Standalone

Brothers in Arms (MShenko, complete) | Collimation (Shepard/Ash/Kaidan, ongoing) | Body Heat (Femshepley smut, complete) | perfect machine (femshepley Control Ending, hiatus) | Fragments (oneshot collection, mostly mshenko/femshepley) | The Fall (FShali, complete) | History Has Its Eyes On You: (100 word drabbles, hiatus) | The Pathology of Guilt: (femshepley, complete) | Motion (Ashley Williams/Samantha Traynor, complete) | always moving with a hungry heart (Ashley Williams/Kaidan Alenko, complete) | Folded, Unfolded (Karin Chakwas/Hannah Shepard, complete) | Navy Undercover (femshepley, complete) | Retribution (Torfan, complete) | The Right Thing (Male Shepard/Jacob Taylor, complete) | The Talk (Vetra Nyx/Sara Ryder, complete)

Baldur's Gate 3

The Prince and The Hellion

Series focused on Markolak, the Dark Urge, her quest for redemption and freedom and her romance with Karlach.

Main Storyline: wipe me clean with dirty hands (BG3, ongoing)

Side Fics: with aching chest (Karlach POV, ongoing)

Standalone:

Moonlit (Dame Aylin and Selune, complete) | the undulous heaven yearns (Dame Aylin/Isobel Thorm reunion smut, complete) | don't you know (i dream of you) (Karlach/Dark Urge grief fic, complete)

Dragon Age

All the Old Knives (Aveline/female Hawke, complete)

[swaps55]

Fugue - 17 - All The Time

Art by @eluvisen. From left to right, Corporal Muriel Aslany, Lieutenant Commander Kaidan Alenko, and Specialist Kara Pendergrass.

Pairing: mShenko

Rating: M

Tags: Angst, Grief, Major (Canonical) Character Death

Summary: Alchera, and the two-year gap.  

Chapter Summary: Epilogue

Thank you to everyone who stuck with this story. I started writing it in the fall of 2020, and it’s been the most difficult writing journey I’ve ever taken. Writing Fugue was like fighting a war, and there were many times I didn’t think I would get to the end. The story was too ambitious, outside my scope as a writer, and just too difficult to do justice. But it was very important to me, and I wanted to give it my best shot. The fact that I am posting the epilogue is in large part because of everyone who read it, commented on it, supported it, and encouraged me through it. You believed I could do it when I didn’t. Thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart.

Chapter 17: All The Time | Read on Ao3

23 October 2185, Sol System, Local Cluster, Earth, Vancouver

Light rain starts to fall when Kaidan heads back to his parents condo in Vancouver, a fresh jar of saffron tucked into his pocket that will, at least in his mother’s eyes, save dinner from being a disaster.

Shadows from the surrounding skyscrapers loom large in the quickly fading light as he heads up the street and around the corner, wishing he’d thought to bring an umbrella. The rain and wind with winter on its mind make the last eleven weeks he spent at the Villa a distant memory. Should have grabbed a better jacket.

He shakes rain off his boots as he gets in the elevator, checking his omni-tool one more time to make sure his mother hadn’t thought of anything else she’d forgotten, or worse, Pendergrass had found some way to make the oven explode in his absence. Leaving her and Aslany alone in a confined space with his parents feels like a tactical misstep, but the afternoon had passed without incident, if you didn’t count Pendergrass’ elcor sex joke. Which, given his father’s fifty year career in the military, probably wasn’t anything they hadn’t already heard.

Besides, his mother had laughed.

Light and a blast of warmth spill into the hallway when he opens the door, on the heels of Pendergrass’ laughter. The smell of the stew, Khoresh-e Fesenjoon, made special for Aslany, is enough to make his mouth water. He’s pretty sure the saffron isn’t going to make much difference in the end, but you can’t tell his mother that.

Pendergrass and his father stand in the living room, eyes on the photo wall that his mother has so carefully tended over the years. Normally his mother is the one who tries to embarrass him with old photos, but apparently his father is on duty tonight.

Kaidan kicks off his boots in the foyer so he doesn’t track in the rain and heads to the kitchen, where his mother and Aslany peer into a dutch oven. Aslany has a spoon in her hand and a look of concentration on her face.

“Not sweet enough, is it?” Kaidan’s mother says.

Aslany shakes her head. “Needs more molasses.”

“Or saffron,” Kaidan says, handing her the jar.

“Goodness, is it raining?” his mother exclaims at the sight of him. “Hang on, there’s a few spare towels in your old bathroom, and I can grab one of your dad’s sweaters.”

“I can take care of it,” Kaidan tells her with a chuckle, hand on her arm to keep her from charging out of the kitchen. “Take care of the stew.”

“I don’t know, I think Muriel’s got it,” his mother says, offering Aslany a proud grin. “Don’t think I’m even needed here.”

Aslany ducks her chin, flush building at the back of her neck. Leave it to his mother to be able to charm Aslany right out of the gate. His mother straightens his collar and smiles at him. “Thanks for running to the store.”

“Can’t have a chicken stew without saffron,” he says in mock horror. “What would the neighbors think?”

Her smile deepens, and suddenly she tugs him into a hug. She squeezes him tight before she lets him go.

“What was that for?” he asks.

“Good to see you smile again,” she says, before making a face and wiping at her shirt.

Read from the beginning | Read the rest on Ao3 | The Fugue Playlist

[rotschopf-thedrow]

Moonstruck (mShenko)

Summary: Looking at Earth from 384,400 km away makes Kaidan homesick.

@flashfictionfridayofficial prompt [#FFF193 Celestial Bodies]

To say he was relieved when they left the Alliance training facility after destroying the rogue VI would be the understatement of the year. Its last reaction had been a desperate plea for help, and it had chilled him to the bone. He wasn’t exactly claustrophobic, but he definitely felt better now, outside of the pillbox and without any murderous drones on his heels.

He walked away from the mako, leaving Tali and Shepard to their conversation. Of course, Tali was exited as hell and convinced that the rogue VI had been on the brink of achieving true consciousness. Maybe that was true. Maybe it wasn’t. They’d never find out, and somehow, he was glad.

He looked up, taking in Earth’s view and smiling. He’d visited countless worlds and moons before, especially since he’d started serving under Shepard. There had been quite a few moons that had offered a spectacular view of the planet they diligently followed and would until their systems’ sun died.

But none of the views had quite felt… This lonely.

He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat, a strange and heavy feeling settling into his gut.

Earth. He had grown up there, had family scattered across a dozen Canadian cities, and some more across the stars. On Earth, he had a place he would forever call home – no matter how embarrassing his collection of space romance novels was or how outdated the sheets on his childhood bed were. It was home, no matter how homelike the Normandy felt after all those days and weeks and months on end.

It was kind of sad that they would spend their shore leave in Luna’s capital Armstrong. He could’ve easily hopped onto one of the many shuttle flights, but he’d told himself that he could visit Earth any time he wanted. Sure, his family would’ve been more than happy to welcome him home, but he also wanted to spend time with the crew and the people who were fast becoming his friends.

He snorted. At least here in the silence of Earth’s satellite he could afford to let his tightly reigned in emotions run rampant. He looked back at Shepard and Tali who had apparently decided to grant him the distance he’d created; a distance he desperately needed now more than ever.

Shepard wasn’t easy to walk away from.

Too late he realised that Shepard was looking back at him, tilting his head the way he always did when he was analysing something. Or someone.

He turned away again, surrendering himself to the inevitable confrontation he knew was coming. It had been coming for a long time.

“There you are,” Shepard said, his voice strangely soft and quiet. “You were awfully silent on our way out.”

“Yeah.” He looked to Earth once more, taking a deep breath, or as deep a breath as the scrubbers would allow him. “You think it was already self-aware?”

“No. At least, I hope so.”

“Yeah.” He hoped so too. The last thing they needed was a true AI on their hands right now. “Yeah,” he repeated, his thought drifting to Earth and home again.

“Okay. Let’s have it. I guess it’s not about us, is it.”

Adrenaline shot through him like a fix. Shepard knew. He fucking knew and he seemingly reciprocated, and he was just standing there as if that knowledge was the answer to every NP-complete problem left in the galaxy. “No. No, that’s not it,” he replied because what was he to say after a revelation like this?

“Then what? Talk to me, Kaidan.”

“I guess.” He shook his head. What was he supposed to say? Was he really ready to tell his commander that he was homesick? That he didn’t want to go to Armstrong? That he wanted to go back to Vancouver, drink a couple of lager with his dad and enjoy his mom’s home baked double-choc cookies? That he wanted Shepard to come with him, as his partner, boyfriend, whatever? “It just feels strange to stay here on Luna and not, you know, go home.”

He didn’t know what he’d expected to happen next, but the gentle backside hug hadn’t been on the list at all. “You’re homesick.”

He allowed himself to lean back a little, enjoy the gesture even though it was a quite awkward due to their hardsuits, and deal with everything else later. Much later. Probably when his befuddled mind had finally caught up with the script. “Yeah.”

“We’ve got three days. We can spend one or two planetside, you know?”

Another dose of adrenaline washed through him. Shepard wanted to come with him. “We?”

When Shepard let him go, he felt oddly bereft of a warmth he’d only imagined through layers of armour and underarmour. It was ridiculous.

“Problem, Lieutenant?”

“Not at all, Commander. But--why”

He knew the answer. At least, he hoped he did because he felt completely out of his depth.

Shepard’s sigh sounded both amused and exasperated at the same time. “For someone with two bachelor’s degrees under their belt, you’re awfully dense. Come on. Shuttle’s leaving Armstrong Spaceport at 1500 hours.”

He stared at Shepard, noticing the smirk he wasn’t able to hide under the faceplate. Shepard had planned this. He had fucking planned this, and Kaidan would probably kill him later for that. But right now? He was happy to jog after Shepard and pull him into an awkward one-armed hug.

The view definitely didn’t feel quite as lonely anymore and he knew for certain that the Normandy would feel a little bit more like home in the future.

[renlyslittlerose]

9 people you would like to get to know better

I was tagged by @ragnarlothcat @veloursdor @yourfavoritefridge 💕

1. 3 ships:

Obikin of course, as it's currently rotting my brain and has been for the past year and however many months. It brought me back from a period of fandom drought, so I'm enjoying once again splashing around in the fandom space

Spuffy. I will always be Not Well about this ship, whether it's platonic, they hate each other, its sexual, some weird mix of all three - whether they love each other, hate each other, can't live without each other. It's the ship that contains so many multitudes that I can't help but always be drawn to it.

Mshenko. Still have a major soft spot for this ship. *In Marge Simpson's voice* I just think it's neat.

2. first ever ship:

That title will also go to Spuffy! I was ten when season 5 of Buffy was airing, and I just hoped and hoped and hoped that they would kiss. I was bitten by the enemies to hate fucking to lovers to soulmates trope early on.

3. last song:

Deathly Hush - MORSURE

4. last movie:

Oppenheimer, I think?

5. currently reading:

My own fics in a perpetual cycle of editing 🙃

6. currently watching:

Deep Space Nine (started season 5), Malcolm in the Middle, and Ahsoka

7. currently consuming:

Tea (orange peeko with a splash of cream)

8. currently craving: Chili garlic noodles from a nearby Chinese noodle shop

I tag: @apfelhalm @boomhauer @obiwan @posthumousvigor @howlbrooklyn @treescape @vulpesarctica @lovey-dovey-and-sad @gretchenzellerbarnes and @elcaballerodragon

[dumbfilmschoolkid]

Rules: post your lockscreen, homescreen, last song you listened to & your pinterests home

Tagged by: @burningblake ❤️thank youuuu

I tag: @badxwolf @angelic37 @linusbenjamin @annamess-chase @stripesysheaven @loveazepam @duskgala @writerman @bass-borot @cactme

Comment: My 56 emails are mostly from things I’m ignoring and also Dracula daily! But! They are from its first run last year🙃 I wasn’t opening the ones I didn’t have time to read and when I finally sat down to do it gmail wouldn’t load them from that far back🙃 so here’s hoping I’ll get the will to read them on pc soon (not likely). My 10 text messages are all bills. Yes the notifs reflect the mess that’s been happening in my head but dealing with them sounds worse! Obsessed with hotel California this whole week! Finally, I searched for mshenko fanart ONCE on Pinterest but now it thinks it’s all I care about in this world -had to refresh a couple times to not get sexytimes with kaidan all over

[bylightofdawn]

My shithead cat woke my ass up at 7:30 and I was dragged out of this weird 'was it a dream or am I awake and just thinking sleepy thoughts' about this Star Wars fanfic series that I am CONVINCED I must have downloaded. But I cannot recall any concrete details about it. I think Its Mandalorian but I went skimming through my kindle and couldn't find anything saved even though my brain is telling me it was a multi-fic work. And it must have been a dream but it felt so damned vivid.

But the problem is, my kindle is kinda on it's last legs and has a nasty habit of deleting collections from the program I use to read epub. Like I know I had a collection set up for blackkat's work titled something like blackkat and now I can't find the collection on my kindle.

So I just copied all my ebooks I've downloaded in the past two years since the LAST TIME I organized all my ebooks. And I've downloaded 246 fics since then.

According to my file manager, I had 1,246 from the last time I sorted and categorized all of my saved fanfics.

Ya girl might have a bit of a problem.

Also I think I would die if I ever lost this repository of fanfic because I have precious fics which have long since been deleted from the face of the internet.

But ooof 250 fics to sort through is still no small feat.

And maybe I'll figure out if I was dreaming about this fanfic series or if it was real. But right now I really just want my brain to shut off so I can go back to sleep which is prolly a lost cause since it's flitting around like a ferret on crack at the moment.

Predictably, I started to organize fanfic and oh my god I just ugly laughed because I had Mass Effect saved under my misc. category because I literally had 2 mshenko fanfics saved.

I HAVE SO MANY MORE FANFICS AND RANDOM-ASS PAIRINGS NOW. I'm dying because watching how my fanfiction tastes have changed in just 2-ish years is WILD

[estalfaed-archived]

Creator 2017 Tag

2017 was a big year for me. I got back into writing, even tried my hand at editing a few things. I was tagged by the lovely @blueteaparty in THIS post and the fantastical @renlyslittlerose in THIS post. Please look at their works, they are fantastic. I am flattered that y’all would think of me for this.

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you’ve created this year (fics, art, edits, etc!) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2017. Tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original!) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works.

1. With Open Eyes - My first foray into the ME fandom and fan fiction in general. It’s an OC/OC fic with Mshenko easter eggs. It was a rough thing that I hammered out as I was trying to process some of my own emotional grief at endings, not always happy ones. It deals with death, depression, suicidal thoughts and loss. It’s a look at a soldiers life after the Reaper War, how he tries to survive losing the love of his life. It’s sad. But then again, sometimes life is really sad. I’m so damn proud of it. 

2. I Fled Your Memory - My first MEBB and it was a doosy of a project. I put a lot of emotional and mental energy into this, and I’m really happy with the way it turned out. It got a heck of a lot more response than I ever imagined as its a rare pair. Pleased as punch people were requesting a sequel. 

3. What We Witness - A little drabble I wrote based off of a stunning few screen caps that were jumbling around on tumblr. There is something really powerful in the changes to Kaidan from ME:1 to ME:3. The mans been through hell and its taken its tole on his body. 

4. You Were My Best Friend - A little fic that I wrote for Shepard Appreciation Week this year. I took a few screen caps that I loved and wrote a little thing about Shepard and Kaidan, about their friendship and how John’s death impacted that. How they can come together and still, well, still be good for each other. 

5. THIS post about Kaidan’s butt and Shepard really appreciating the view. Totally relateable.

Shameless self plug. Here is my list of tumblr writings I’ve done. Its not been totally updated, but its got a good chuck of it, if you wanted to check it out, ha!

Gonna tag a few folks now! Feel free to ignore this if you want! @bagog, @whenthewallscamedown, @threewhiskeylunch, @n0rmandysr1, @autodiscothings, @you-are-a-program, @fiishes, @scottrydcrs

Cheers! I hope 2018 is a year of much creativity for all of us!!

[kirk]

the hinting in me3 while the romance route is in its early stages that mshep and kaidan have liked each other since meeting in me1 fucking destroys me

[pastelroyce]

Before I Go, Let Me Say This

My part of the N7 Exchange event for queenofthejungle on Ao3. They had a lot of top tier ship suggestions but I was in the mood for mshenko (rather, when am I not in the mood?) with suggestions of angst and two dudes in love. This was my take on that!

Title: Before I Go, Let Me Say This

Summary: Shepard is on his way to the Omega-4 relay, but finds himself thinking about Kaidan and Horizon.

Words: 1,397

Rated: T (language)

Relationship: Male Shepard/Kaidan Alenko

Additional tags: light angst, angst with feels

Also available on Ao3

.

Commander Shepard was approximately 5 hours away from what could possibly be the last mission of his (second) life, yet in that moment replying to a damn letter was proving to be a more monumental task. The blinking cursor on his open message terminal mocked him from his position on the bed. Another screen behind it blocked out the rooftop view port of the Normandy, the letter Kaidan sent after their encounter on Horizon.

When he read the header for the first time his heart seized, petrified into a heavy weight, plummeted into the depths of his gut and lightened into a flutter all in the span of two seconds. It took one day to open the message and another three days to read it in full. Shepard read the letter over, and over, and over again until he could read it in his sleep–which he had in a dream a few nights ago.

Horizon was a mess. Horizon was an absolute cluster fuck of a premeditated mess that Shepard didn't think he'd ever forgive The Illusive Man for putting Kaidan and the colonists through. Horizon was what fully cemented the idea that Shepard was dead for two fucking years and all of its subsequent consequences, all of the possible ways it resonated with everyone he knew.

Of course Kaidan would be the first to apologize.

As Shepard read the message–at that point it became less reading and more scanning for important points–he could still hear Kaidan in the back of his head.

"You turned your back on everything we believed in! You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me!"

"I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?!"

"You've changed, but I know where my loyalties lie."

His words stung but after, once heads were cooler and Horizon was in another system, they weren't unreasonable.

Shepard had been the unreasonable one.

"I can see you won't listen to reason."

"The Alliance is going to blame Cerberus, just like you did."

"You saw what happened here!"

He definitely didn't feel like he walked away from that one on top.

Shepard wanted to write back, say he was also sorry and that he still loved Kaidan, maybe even more than before. The words never formed correctly, never deemed fitting for everything Shepard felt; the fifteen drafted letters saved in his terminal was proof enough.

Four and a half hours away from the Omega-4 relay.

With a resounding sigh, Shepard pushed himself off his bed and dragged his feet to the work desk. Maybe laying in bed was the problem; after all, his most productive report writing was done at that desk so logically he should be able to write the letter there no problem. What happened, instead, was that all Shepard could think about was Kaidan back on Horizon.

“Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?!”

At the three hour mark that fucking cursor kept blinking on the still blank screen.

Fuck it.

If the mission did go FUBAR, if there really was a chance he wouldn't see the other side, he needed closure. Real closure and not a letter he'd forget about later. With a deep breath and a prayer he dialed up Kaidan's omni-tool.

"Commander Alenko speaking." That seemed too fast, too ready but Shepard could ruminate on that later. His heart leapt into his throat leaving his vision blurry and mind just a little gone. Kaidan repeated himself, his voice seemed too far away.

"Got your message," was what came out, low and hesitant. Shepard could have sworn he heard Kaidan gasp.

It was Kaidan's turn to go silent save for some rustling in the background and an automated door sliding. Shepard stood up in the meantime.

"John," came Kaidan's voice again, "it's…"

"Just," the longer they floundered, the less Shepard felt sure about what he was doing, "hear me out, okay? Two minutes."

A deep inhale came from Kaidan’s end but he quickly gave an okay. The floor was Shepard’s. For a split second he wished he had actually planned the call, rehearsed for maybe even a second because suddenly the words were just gone. Son of a bitch…

“John?”

"I," Shepard dragged a hand over his shaved head, "I'm…also sorry. About what happened."

"John-"

"I mean it.” When in doubt, spill your guts. “Sure I got angry, and for a while I felt like I was justified in that anger but shit Kaidan, how else do you cope with the fact you've been dead for two years?!"

"I was able to do it…"

Oh.

"Shit, shit, shit, I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"I know.” Kaidan’s voice was terse, like he was speaking through his teeth. Shepard could picture it perfectly in his head, the way Kaidan’s brow was probably pinched and how hard he must be trying to not frown. Their time on the SR-1 gave Shepard time to discover Kaidan’s tells.

“I need to backpedal. Uhh, another two minutes?”

“It’s been nearly ten minutes now.”

Has it?

Shepard checked the chronometer on his omni-tool. Sure enough the call was fast approaching the ten minute mark, and almost two and a half hours until they hit the Omega-4 relay. When did making a call get so difficult?

Well, shit.

“Anyway, Kaidan, I am sorry. I’m sorry for the way I acted on Horizon, but there’s something I want you to know,” he leaned against the fish tank, “if I had it my way, you would have been the first person I’d have gone after. Part of why it took a fucking invasion of a backwater colony to see you was partly due to being stonewalled in the beginning. Then circumstances came into play, and my current mission took priority, and…,” Shepard let his eyes follow the motions of a couple of jellyfish floating in the tank, “I just…had no idea how to approach you.”

Kaidan sighed. “Higher ups wanted me to investigate Cerberus, probably because our time hunting them gave me some credibility. You and I saw the limits their scientists were willing to go, but total resurrection?

When I first heard the rumors of you being alive, I refused to believe them, but…there was another part of me that hoped you would have tried to find me. God knows I did.” As Kaidan spoke his voice got lower so that by the end it was little more than a raspy whisper. “When I got approved for the mission on Horizon I knew Anderson would keep a tight lip about it.”

“Yeah. Wouldn’t even tell me.”

“Can you blame him? Could you imagine how mind boggling it is to see someone–someone who was dead for two years–back to life and working for known terrorists? The same terrorists you killed along with them?”

Just when Shepard felt he could breathe in, Kaidan spoke up again.

“Also, you didn’t know how to approach me? What is that supposed to mean?”

“Because, once again, I was dead for two years! What if you had moved on? What if you-”

“I could never.”

The certainty in Kaidan’s voice stopped Shepard dead in his tracks.

“I tried to but I couldn’t. I loved you John, and maybe I still do. You’re still the only one who can make me feel human.” Kaidan’s voice sounded heavy at that and Shepard felt his chest tighten along with him. God damn it.

“I love you too.”

Two hours and fifteen minutes until the Omega-4 relay. Shepard swallowed.

“Kaidan,” Kaidan doesn’t answer verbally, instead gives a small ‘hmm?’, “when I’m done with this mission I swear I’ll get back to you, no matter what.” Was it an empty promise? Maybe, but Shepard knew he would be kicking himself later if he didn’t say anything. As much as his drive revoked around saving the galaxy, Kaidan was in the galaxy, so it only made sense to make him a priority. Get in, beat collector ass, get out, see Kaidan. No ship in known existence had ever made it back out of the relay; something Shepard was determined to fight tooth and nail to change. The impossible seemed less daunting with the thought of seeing Kaidan at the end of everything.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said back, ��I’ll be looking forward to that.”

[chroniclesinlacuna]

If Not Whole

pairing: mshenko | words: ~1k | rating: 18+ read on ao3 The whole Leviathan situation is...a mess. And Kaidan handles it about as well as one can.

He's seen the commander down before. Seen him bloodied and bruised and pissed the fuck off as he fought back to his feet. Hell, he's even seen him knocked out - cleared clean off his feet and into the nearest wall (though, he'd definitely like to not see that again, that's not the point here).

He hasn't seen him…quiet, though. Not like this. Bruise-blackened eyes, a thin trail of blood, and…that's it. That's it.

He looks small there, on the floor - and in that eternity between dropping him there (I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we had to be quick) and that painful intake of breath that had Kaidan on his knees, he knows he can never see that again. Would do anything to never see that again.

When Shepard tries to move - too quick, if the heated flair of biotics that snaps through the air is anything to go by - Kaidan’s at his side immediately to help him into the seat behind him, crouching down once he’s stable again to look up into his face. Make sure his eyes are bright and clear, and…and Kaidan doesn’t really know.

Shepard’s hand clutches at his shoulder, and he lets Kaidan look, even as he coughs and shudders.

“Never do that again.” Kaidan whispers - loud in the sudden vacuum the fight has left behind as they clear the planet’s atmosphere. But Garrus says nothing, where he’s leaning over Steve’s seat up front, and Steve for his part is making a good show of being distracted by the controls.

Shepard doesn’t say anything - can’t, if the rough catch to that last cough is anything to go by - but his hand instead curls against Kaidan’s neck, at the gap in his hardsuit between his shoulder and his jaw. It’s not agreement - it can’t be agreement, not in their life - but…it’s something. It’s something Kaidan will take.

Kaidan gives Shepard another couple of minutes to get his breathing back - that rattle, worryingly, doesn’t seem to be going away though - before pulling away, only just.

“So,” It’s forced in its casualty, but Garrus takes the hint and makes his way back as Kaidan pushes himself to his feet, “What happened down there?”

—

The universe is fucking terrifying. And awesome in its depths.

And Kaidan hopes sometime - somewhere, some distance across time and space from this very moment - he’s able to appreciate it in its entirety.

—

That night - morning? Hell, next evening? There were so many debriefings and rehashings and…and talking about everything that happened after they’d made sure Dr. Bryson was back home safe. So much damn talking.

…That night, he’s curled up in their bed, with Casey pressed up against him, head tucked under Kaidan’s chin and their legs tangled together, and all Kaidan can do is…stare up at the skylight. He’d give anything to fall asleep right now - to match his breathing to Casey’s and slip away from the day.

Instead, he’s wide awake, watching the stars slowly drift by as they head into the dark - towards their next unavoidable mission, their next ever vanishing goal.

It’s…peaceful, for all it’s driving Kaidan mad. It’s quiet - nothing but their breathing, and all he can feel is the heavy weight of the other man against him, and all he can see are the stars. He feels…small. Impossibly small in the face of the day and the star-spotted black. It’s a surreal moment that has Kaidan hunting for other assurances - groping in the dark until he can affirm he’s still here, in this moment.

His hand traces lightly over the face pressed to his neck - over sharp planes and hard curves he knows so well. Convincing himself, not for the first time, that both the stars and now the waters had returned him in one piece, if not entirely whole.

He's surprised when a hand blindly brushes over his cheek, a heavy rumble against his throat as a sleep muffled voice breaks the silence, "You're thinking too loud."

He pauses, blinking up at the skylight, before laughing quietly and curling back into their space, "Sorry…"

"Mm…" Rough stubble scratches at his skin, lips pressing there a moment later and Kaidan shivers, pulling him in closer, even as he feels Casey shift against him. He can feel the change in Casey’s focus, and another shiver works its way down his spine - one he’s sure Casey caught, from the smile pressed to his skin.

The hand that slides between them is sure and gentle, resting heavy low on his stomach until Kaidan breathes out a suddenly hoarse "Yes, Casey…" into the other man's hair, clinging close as warmth engulfs him.

They're in no rush, here in the dark - or at least, Casey doesn't seem to be, and Kaidan lets himself get lost a little in the familiar slide of skin and the heady rhythm of quiet breath between them, heat swelling and breaking and pulling Kaidan along for the ride.

Casey knows how to pull Kaidan apart - and knows just as well how to put him back together. It’s so, so slow, and over so, so quickly, and the rush of coiled warmth snapping along his spine and wringing him out on a whisper buried in Casey’s hair leaves him breathless.

When Kaidan rolls onto his back a moment (an eternity, a second…who the hell knows) later, Casey's right back in his space, tucking himself in close under Kaidan's chin, and Kaidan…Kaidan laughs - breathless and happy - as he looks up at the stars, the end of it trailing into a yawn.

"Well, if your goal was to shut up my brain, good job."

"Mm…benefit, not the goal." Casey murmurs, sounding way too damn pleased with himself. But, then, given Kaidan’s heartbeat, he’s willing to let him have that. For now.

"Oh? And what was the goal then?"

Casey doesn't answer verbally to that, instead tilting his head to press a soft kiss to Kaidan's still rabbiting pulse, lingering there as if to feel all he can, to breathe him in in that quiet space - and in that moment, he feels…small. Small, and loved, and known.

He ducks down enough to press a kiss to Casey's temple, feeling sleep finally lapping at his edges, "Mission accomplished then…"

[bagog]

N7 Month, 2023 - Day 6: Meal

It's just a very simple mshenko domestic fluff.

++

The butter hit the pan, foaming up immediately and liquifying around the smashed garlic clove with a sizzle. Turning the garlic over in the butter a few times, Kaidan tipped the pan almost on its edge so the garlic butter pooled against the side. He spooned the butter over the steak, basting it as it continued to sputter.

“Smells good.” Shepard walked into the kitchen, leaned against the counter. Given how open the Citadel apartment was, Kaidan could believe the smell woke him up from his nap upstairs.

“Smells like garlic,” Kaidan chuckled. “First step in getting anyone to sit up and take notice what you’re cooking.” He slipped his spoon under one steak, then the other, flipping each over and continuing to baste the two.

“Steak, huh?”

“Hope that’s okay,” Kaidan shrugged. “All I could find to thaw in the freezer.”

“It sounds wonderful.” Shepard yawned. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Nope, we’re pretty much done here.” He turned off the heat and removed the steaks onto a cutting board.  He opened the oven door, wincing slightly as he pulled out two baked potatoes with bare hands. “Damn that’s hot! Anyway, just need to let the meat rest a minute and we can chow down.” He looked up from the two plates he had set beside the cutting board, noticed Shepard regarding him with a soft look. “Everything okay?”

“I was just thinking about the first time you cooked for me,” he said softly. Kaidan guffawed.

“It was pretty much this, wasn’t it?”

“Except you burnt the garlic…” Shepard stood up, a sly smile across his face. “You said you were ‘distracted.’” Kaidan returned the smile, placing his hand on the side of Shepard’s face.

“I recall somebody was being a distraction.”

“Not me,” grinned Shepard, leaning in to Kaidan’s touch. “I was just standing around watching the show.” He leaned in and kissed Kaidan for a long moment. When they pulled away, Shepard wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s neck. “It was such a novel thing, having a partner that cooked for me.”

“Not so novel anymore, huh?” Kaidan held him close. “I cook just about every night.”

“I know. Just… thinking of how far we’ve come, is all.” As he leaned away, Kaidan chased after him with another kiss.

“Well this time I didn’t burn the garlic,” he rumbled against Shepard’s lips. “And I seem to recall we got up to other stuff besides just eating that first night, hm?”

Shepard grinned.

“So tonight’s not a night to savor my husband’s cooking? Is that what you’re saying?”

“You won’t hurt my feelings,” Kaidan hoisted Shepard up onto the counter, fitting between his legs and leaning up for another passionate kiss. “I’ve got plenty for you to savor tonight.”

[n0rmandysr1]

Spots to Kiss #4 (between eyebrows) for mshenko :D :D :D

The lights were off when Kaidan stepped into the captain’s quarters. He unbuttoned his uniform jacket, folded it and neatly put it on the desk to put away in a moment.

At first he’d felt hesitant in making too many - impositions in Shepard’s space. After the harsh words and time apart, things between them still felt so fragile, delicate. Like he could shatter it if he moved too fast. But over the weeks since Shepard had asked him to stay the night again and again, until his toothbrush was in the bathroom and his seabag lived permanently next to Shepard’s at the foot of the bed.

Shepard himself was sprawled on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, and still in his dress uniform. It couldn’t be comfortable - those jackets felt like they were trying to strangle your limbs half the time. Kaidan’s eyebrows crinkled in concern. Shepard had come straight to his cabin after his latest meeting with Hackett without a word to him.

“It wasn’t good news, then?” Kaidan asked.

“No, it wasn’t,” Shepard said tersely.

Something in Kaidan’s chest squeezed hard. “What do you need? Space or…?”

Sometimes Shepard just needed a moment to himself and other times-

“Please don’t leave me alone.”

Kaidan’s heart cracked in his chest. He kicked off his boots and climbed onto the bed, reaching for one of Shepard’s battle-roughened hands with his. Shepard squeezed his hand back but otherwise didn’t move. He studied his face, the numbness painted across the other man’s face, the stubble he hadn’t shaved.

God, he loved this man. It felt like the entire galaxy.

He leant down and pressed a kiss to his forehead, between his eyebrows, and felt the way Shepard breathed out heavily.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

When he pulled back, there was a ghost of a smile on Shepard’s lips. He let Kaidan pull off that uncomfortable jacket and its bars of ribbons. He knew Shepard hated wearing that, with the Navy Cross from Torfan on it.

Then he wrapped his arms around Shepard and pulled him into his chest, pressing another kiss to the top of his head, buzz cut tickling his lips.

“I just…” he whispered and then stopped.

“I know,” Kaidan said quietly, pressing a palm in between his shoulder blades, “I know. But you don’t have to do this alone.” Not anymore. Not now they’d found each other after all these years.

Shepard made a soft sound and pressed his face into Kaidan’s dull grey Marines uniform t-shirt, his hands pulling it out from his belt and seeking the warm skin at the small of his back.

Together, in the quiet of the cabin, they breathed together until Shepard’s breathing evened out into sleep.