#means I can't move much and have to force myself to eat sometimes because every move feels like i need to puke

[scarefox]

Has anxiety and depression -> which results in massive extra stress -> which leads to physical symptoms like stiff / inflamed jaw and neck muscles -> which leads to dizziness due to hindering fluids to reach the brain and ears properly -> which again can cause problems with concentration, depression and anxitey

Is fucking everything a feedback loop 🤡

(found out that my issue is probably CMD)

[sendhelpiloveyeonjun]

i'll see you there tomorrow~

yeonjun x reader

technically i don't think i explicitly mention a gender or gendered terms sooo.

synopsis: yeonjun has jealousy issues because he's silly and can't help himself

warnings: gaslighting? manipulation? LOL i'm not even sure myself that's sad. yeonjun is toxic and mean but hehe. dick sucking, deep throating, he pushes her head down, cum eating?

watching him perform has always been my favorite thing. he always looks so happy up on stage even in practice most of the time and today is no different.

they just finished filming a choreography video for a song on their new album called I'll See You There Tomorrow and i swear his eyes shine a different kind of bright for this one. i don't know what it is about this song or dance but it's like he just can't help but smile while performing it.

it's so cute and something that really makes him stand out as an idol--he really loves his job. and people are always commenting on it, he always appears to be having the time of his life. he's so goofy and silly and people call him the youngest trapped in the eldest's body. i can see why when he's on stage or in their little to-do show. he's special and it's admirable.

i guess that's why it's so jarring when he snaps. i like to mess with him as anyone does, but they only get to see the small bits he can show on camera. sure we see him get mad at gyu but he's not going to do anything serious. so why does my cheek burn so bad?

"why do you think it's so funny to flirt with my friends in front of me?"

yeonjun grabbed my face and forced me to look up at him, tears threatening to fall from my eyes. "do you like embarrassing me? do you like making me feel like shit?"

i shook my head as best as i could and he glared, "use your words." "no i don't like embarrassing you." he pushed my head away and i tried my best to stay balanced, rubbing my legs together and staring at the ground. why do i like this so much? being the only one who sees this.

"you're so mean to me sometimes, y/n."

i looked at him and he sighed, shaking his head, "you really make me feel like you don't actually love me."

"i do love you, yeonjun."

he stood close to me, towering, and staring straight down into my eyes, "i don't know. i think you're going to have to prove it."

i chewed on my bottom lip and slowly sunk to my knees, watching a smile grow on his lips. "such a good girl."

i reached up to unbuckle his belt and tossed it to the floor before unbuttoning and unzipping his pants. our eyes stayed locked, neither one of us even blinking as i pulled him from his boxers. "go ahead", he nodded and rubbed my head gently, "show me how much you love me."

i wish the ache between my legs would stop. i wish he could just fuck me instead of torturing me like this. how is my mouth going to prove anything? how is me choking and crying going to mean i love you? just put it inside me already this is so stupid!

"y/n? some reason you're hesitating?"

i looked up at him and then down at his dick, gripping it with a sigh. whatever.

i licked the tip gently a few times, avoiding all the spots i know he likes best. if it's up to me, it's up to me. his fingers tangled in my hair gently as i wrapped my lips around the head, slowly sinking down to about halfway before bobbing my head at a steady pace. soft panting came from him, a grunt every so often as he tapped the back of my throat.

"you can do better than that, hm?"

i glared up at him and his eyes had darkened significantly. his hair was messy now like he had been messing with it and his bottom lip was red and puffy. god he's so hot. he pushed down on my head suddenly and i squeezed my eyes shut, choking a little as he slid down my throat. "fuck baby, that's it."

i clenched my thighs together and swallowed around him, digging my fingernails into his thighs as he held me there. his hips started moving and he fucked my mouth slowly at first but as his other hand found my head i lost all the control i had.

"god, your mouth is heavenly. you take me so well." i hummed around him, spit dripping down my chin, and he groaned, thrusting faster into my throat. i squeezed harder, looking up at him desperately to get some air but he was so lost in the feeling he wasn't paying any attention. should i bite him? that could be fun.

i smacked his leg hard and he pulled back finally, my lungs rapidly filling with air. as i went to berate him for trying to kill me, he yanked my head back in, stuffing his cock back down my throat. "i'm almost there, you can take it right?"

i whimpered in protest but he just laughed, continuing to use me as he pleased. the ache between my legs was becoming unbearable so i slid a hand down, barely reaching my goal before he smacked the back of my head. "don't touch." i whined and gagged, closing my eyes and bringing my hand back to his leg. fuck you, choi yeonjun.

his thrusts became quicker and shallower as his groans turned into higher pitched gasp-like whimpers. "swallow me, baby. swallow my cum like a good girl." i moaned softly and looked up to watch him throw his head back as he stilled, pulling my hand up to wrap around him. i quickly jerked him off, suck hard on the tip as he groans through clenched teeth and cums over my tongue.

you would think he's been holding it in for months at the sheer amount of it but finally he calms down, panting and looking down at me as i open my mouth and show him it's gone. he smiles fondly and cups my cheek, rubbing his thumb over my bottom lip gently. "you're so pretty", i felt my cheeks heat up as i pressed my face into his palm, "thank you, baby."

"maybe don't try to kill me next time?" i glared, trying to clear my throat.

"no promises." he laughs and helps me to my feet, my knees really not wanting to hold their own. "let me make it up to you."

i have two fics up and they are both about sucking jjun off and i SWEAR the next thing i post will not have to do with yeonjun or his dick being in someones mouth.. i hope.. idk i really want to suck his dick i have a problem sue me.

ALSO i'm thinking about a part two where he returns the favor to apologize but that would make the reader gendered for sure so idk yet. also the gaslighting would be extra strong there which i love the idea of. idk no thoughts yet. we shall see!

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hey, so I have a situation going on (TW for extensive discussion of ED):

So I'm in recovery but sometimes I still relapse, especially during the fall and winter months, idk why but those are just the worst for me in terms of ED. My roommate and acquaintance knows that I've been battling ED for most of my life and before I moved in with her and other flatmates, I told everyone that I am in recovery and that I need them not to comment on my food (be it choices that seem disordered but are actually improvements to my previous situation, or idk my portion sizes for example).

Despite that, this roommate, who is currently going through an eating disorder and is in therapy for it, keeps commenting on my food. She keeps judging how much I eat, keeps asking me questions about why I eat what I eat (eg. Sometimes there are days when I just won't eat something I haven't made. I just can't. And she'll just keep asking why. It's not malicious but she doesn't take the hint when I say "well you know...due to the problems" and essentially forces me to just outright say that I can't eat it because I don't have control over it and the ingredients, which is both a frankly embarrassing thing to say and most of the time she doesn't really get it either), and sometimes says things like "Idk how you eat like that and aren't fat lol" (which usually occurs when I have like...a slice of bread with jam or something, which is, mind you, also usually my only food of the day because I am too busy for my own good, and because my meds cause me not to have an appetite).

Worse than that, she vents about her ED problems to me constantly. I get that maybe she needs someone outside of therapy to talk about it with, but it makes me really close to relapsing every time. She'll come home and start saying things like "I weighed myself yesterday and lost another X kg" and "A guy ranted to me about how he wanted to lose weight, like duh he should be happy, he might need it for when he's like me, who hasn't eaten in 3 days." and "I've been so bad today but it's probably a good thing because the 4 days before that I didn't eat at all."

I don't know how to gently reaffirm my boundaries and tell her that it's affecting me really badly when she says such things to me. I don't want to be too firm or mean, and I understand that she's going through bad stuff, but I'm not in a place where I could listen to it without it fucking me up badly.

Honestly, I think you've given your roommate the benefit of the doubt for too long. She doesn't "forget" she's triggering you. She's subtly doing it on purpose. She doesn't "not pick up on" your hints about why you're uncomfortable. She's enjoying making you uncomfortable. I usually do not advise people to think in such a paranoid fashion, but I truly believe the writing is on the wall here. As someone who has given others the benefit of the doubt for too long and gotten hurt for it, I feel obligated to say this.

Anon, those of us who have eating disorders are often unwell in other ways. We often have trauma and difficult relationships and other issues. And we're often competitive in our eating disorders, which is a real risk. Many of us try to show off being the "sickest" or make it a game, sometimes. And you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to be too firm and "too mean" in defending your health. Her going through stuff does NOT justify her putting you through stuff, and that's a lesson all of us who have mental illness need to learn - both in regard to what we put up with, and what we may make others put up with.

So listen. A successful boundary is not a statement of "you can't do X." Attempting to control the behavior of others is useless. Instead, think of a boundary (and speak your boundaries) in terms of "if you do X, I will do Y to protect myself." And do be prepared to follow through on that consequence. As one of my favorite TikTok therapists once said, "a boundary without consequences for violating it isn't a boundary, it's more of a fancy request."

If you're stuck in the lease and don't have the option of moving away from this girl, here's what you can do to get by for now. Make a list of all the things she has done to trigger your ED, and make a list of responses that will be protective for you. Then, have a kind but firm talk with her about how she constantly triggers your ED and how you will be taking the following measures to take care of your mental health. Let her know you're not trying to be hurtful but for your protection, these are non-negotiable. Things like "If you continue to make comments about what is on my plate, I will take my plate and leave the room." or "If you continue to vent to me about your eating disorder, I will hang out with you less."

She may try to act the victim. Do not be swayed by this. No matter how she feels about this talk, nothing is worth sacrificing your mental health, and it is her own responsibility to learn to take care of her own mental health WITHOUT hurting others, as we all must learn to do. Tell her that you want for her to have someone to talk to about this, but that someone cannot be you. She has done this multiple times. This isn't a mistake at this point, and honestly, you're not doing her a favor by letting her go without learning how to hold herself accountable for respecting the boundaries of others. But more importantly, you're not doing yourself any favors by teaching yourself that it's okay to let others hurt you because they're having a hard time. Your hard times matter too, anon.

Best of luck in the roommate stuff and in making it through the winter.

[misetiverecon]

It's supposed to get better. I've seen it time and time again, and all it does is annoy me .

When am I ALLOWED to get better? When is it enough? When do I stop punishing myself for things that happened almost a year ago? When do I get to be happy without feeling like shit after? When do I get to eat and not worry about weather or not your treating yourself right? When do I get to feel human?

I'm so sick and tired of having little to no motivation. I'm tired of falling asleep with cut and bruised thighs, even if it's self inflicted. I'm tired of being and feeling powerless and useless. I'm tired of feeling like an emotional sack of shit. I'm so tired of feeling like I don't matter. I'm so sick and tired of feeling disgusting in my own body and mind.

What I've done and said to you cycle around in my head all day. What you've said and done to me cycle with it. Every single day I relive the moment when I first lost control. Everyday I feel guilt when I remember you saying that you'd feel bad for me if I didn't kill myself. Every fucking day, I'm forced to go back to that room that you almost died in. It doesn't stop. Sometimes the cycle will pause, but always starts again. Sleep is my only escape.

I still cry for you and what you went through. It tears apart my heart to know I could have and should have done so much better. I hyperventilate over the fact that I'll never be able to get back what I lost when you ended our relationship.

I knew we were toxic together. But we thought in the end everything would be fine. You and I overlooked every red flag because of it. Instead of solving our issues, we ignored them. We only talked about how we could have avoided things after a breakdown. We never told each other what was really wrong until after we blew things to pieces.

You say you knew we wouldn't last long, but I trusted you when you made promises. I believed you when you said I'd be yours forever. I trusted you when you said we'd truly be together one way. I was naive and stupid, but I still feel like you led me on. I also feel bad for thinking it, and I'm angry with myself because you felt like you had to protect me from the reality of what was happening.

I know I hurt you, and that what you did back, I deserved. But the time you called the cops on me, the time you lied to my mother... I can't over look those. You trust me with so many things, yet I can't trust you. It's always double standards with you. You'll tell me to be safe, but at the same time be hurting yourself every night. I know it's not your fault. I know you have mental health issues. But still upsets me. You have such low standards for yourself.

It makes me feel like crap that I can't help you. That I can't fix your problems.

I hate how you've moved on, while I'm still stuck here in this never ending loop. I want it stop, but the only way to do that is to end my life. I know you don't care weather I'm alive or not. You've said that to me directly. But if you don't care, why do we still talk? Why do you still want to know how im doing? You say so many things that contradict over things you've said. I know you don't mean to be, but your so goddamn confusing.

All that said, I'm still in love with you. Unlike you, I ment it when I said I'd love you forever. But God, I wish I didn't love you. It hurts to love you.

[s0ngsandstars]

Fuck it, I need to get this out somewhere. Personal home life vent/rant, Tumblr is a diary sometimes, etc. I'm a wreck of anxiety and fear and just.. yeah..

tw abuse, domestic violence, threats of violence, brief talk about a house fire and the aftermath, gun mention

I'm concerned about myself and my family. My father has really bad anger problems, and when he's raging he's completely irrational. It's gotten worse since he poorly manages his diabetes. This past year, he's purchased a gun, and luckily he was smart enough that it's not put together and it's in a case, but it doesn't stop him from threatening us with the possible use of it on us.

I don't think I'm actually safe here. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid that one day his threats will turn into more than just threats. I have nightmares a lot in which he actually shoots or stabs us, or where he lights a match and sets the house ablaze like he's threatened on multiple occasions. We lost a lot of our possessions when I was 4 to a house fire, which I remember it and the aftermath, how my room was charred black and nothing inside of it remained, so this threat hit really hard.

I'm.. I'm so tired.. of all the yelling, of the screaming. I can't stand hearing him throw things while my mom yells for him to stop. Where I sleep is right next to their room. It's awful. He yells and screams at people every single day. Multiple times a day.

I'm also so tired of being called useless, entitled, ungrateful, disrespectful, fucking lazy bitch for things even as simple as not liking the same food as him. I've been made to feel like a leech, as though any resource I take is a waste. I don't even want to eat most of the time because I've been made to believe that I'm not worth enough to eat the food here. (I do not have an eating disorder. If I were not living here, I would have no problems eating food.)

I'm just.. I'm so tired of walking on eggshells to appease a man that will yell at us for even trying to be helpful. He yells at us when we try to help him, and then wonders why we won't. We'll get yelled at either way, we might as well just do what we want to do instead of do something we don't want and get yelled at the entire time anyway.

We can do everything right and it won't be enough. Everything can be perfect and he'll still find the pixel out of place to berate us about. It's never good enough.

And I want to get out of here. We're trying to get out of here. But we're disabled and rely fully on others for financial needs, so for us at this moment it's impossible to leave. And since our mom's the main target of the physical abuse, and she's not willing to press charges, we can't get the police involved in any way that'll actually be helpful..

We just have to either get to where we can move out, or we have to wait for him to do something so horrid that we're forced to call the police, and just.. I hate it so much.. I hate it so much....

Once I'm out of here though, I'm never talking to my father again. He's caused too much pain for me to want to communicate with him once I've left.

And like, I know in some ways I'm lucky. It could be so much worse. People have it far worse than I do. I've been told over and over and over how I'm not that bad off. jfc even when we were on food stamps and barely scraping by and my only pair of gym shoes was a gift from my teacher, I was being told I was a spoiled child and how I was lucky. But my god I don't think I deserve this. I might have it better than a number of others in abusive situations but that doesn't mean that I'm doing fucking great either. Fuck if I know if the "it's not that bad" is just the probable gaslighting talking or not. ljndfljndgkjdfgn (sobs) I get audio from videos my mom watches about people in far worse situations blared at me all the time and it makes me feel grateful that it's not that bad at least, and it also makes me so sad that people go through things, and just.. idk.. idk.... I don't want to hear it anymore..

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i need to get something of my chest. i am pretty certain that you don't have any solution for it but... i have no one in my real life to talk about this.

tw for suicide and emotional abuse

my mom and i have a typical reversed role relationship. to an extreme. i am cooking for her, doing all chores, her laundry etc. since i was 10. but she once kicked me out when i refused and i was homeless for 5 months until she took me back in so, i won't stop parenting her.

when i was 10 my grandma had to go to a nursing home. we sold her house and then were able to pay a nice private one for her. my mom and i were, and are, pretty poor. and one day on the way back my mom told me something, i don't remember every word, like 'when i am old i don't want to bother anyone. I'll just kill myself *insert here very detailed description of her plans*' and, i don't remember if it were her words or her look but i got the strong vibe of 'unless you take care of me' which would fit our relationship. we had this conversation again, one or two times, after that. i was pretty confused and after some years i decided that i didn't care, that id just let her do as she pleases. i mean, ive waited my whole life to, soon, move out from her, i won't waste more years parenting her. that's the theory, you can probably imagine how far from reality this is. id never let that happen. so the plans b were 'once i move out ill go to therapy until i am comfortable letting her do as she pleases, even if it's killing herself' or 'move far far far away, maybe abroad, so that i can't take care of her'. shitty plans but my mom is in her 50s so i thought, enough time to figure this out.

during the last months she was having a lot of issues with her joints and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that causes rheumatism. she is running from doc to doc, eating an unhealthy amount of painkillers to at least be able to lay in bed, fairly painless. it is heartbreaking to see. she had to skip a lot of days from work because she was unable to move. she started walking very slowly, even on good days. my grandma walks faster. and that isn't acted, because she also does it outside and the imagine to be a 'strong woman' was always incredible important to her. and that made me think about her threat years ago.

fact is: my mom has moodswings and memory issues so it is perfectly possible that she wouldn't repeat that threat nowadays and maybe doesn't even remember doing it back then. but i remember and i don't know what to do. besides all my caring, i care for a lazy adult, not a sick elderly person. since i am currently looking for my first own appartment, i sometimes fear, she'll ask me to stay, to take care of her and the household. because of her rheumatism she can't do many things in the household. not that she tried much but i see that she'd have a hard time living alone. she would probably need someone but she wouldn't accept any help but me so... i am afraid ill have to face a choice soon. if i stay or move out. or even if i move out, i plan on staying in the city for my job, so how much will i care for her, even considering her threat etc.

that's it.

Hi anon,

Your mom sounds quite toxic, forcing you to do virtually all of her responsibilites as a mother and seemingly guilt-tripping you with graphic details of her hypothetically killing herself if you didn't do all these things for her.

Even if your mom wouldn't do the same things or may not remember what she did anymore, it doesn't take away from the fact that she still did those things and she still hurt you. Any illness or disability she may have doesn't absolve her of accountability for her actions, and she shouldn't use it as a crutch to avoid accountability either.

It's fairly possible that she may have a hard time living alone, but that's not necessarily your problem. You don't deserve to put up with your mom's behavior. You may also find a new sense of autonomy and freedom in living alone.

That being said, it's not an easy decision to make as it is of course your own mother, but it's definitely worth thinking about what choice you'd like to make. It might help to think about these questions: What would your life look like if you decided to stay with your mom vs what would your life look like if you decided to leave?

I hope I could help. Best of luck with everything. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[supbreh]

I smoked a fat bowl and forced my man to come with me to 7/11, got too high and freaked out at the prices so we walked to Vons. Vons is an actual price gouging hellscape so all we could afford were some tostinos mini party pizzas that were on sale for 1.58$ each if you bought 4, so we got 4. And a gallon of raspberry Arizona iced tea. And 2 40's. It was still like 15$. Like what the fuck man, can't even afford to eat anymore. I do choose to live in LA though, and I don't work as much as I should, so I suppose I can't get too angry at the world now can I. I need to get over my anxiety this year. The college semester starts Monday, so that means I go back to work Monday. I have to get to work for 6:30AM, which I do like to do, but sometimes I struggle with it. I need to keep myself healthy so I can eat normally and get some sleep and get to work every day. My tooth has been bothering me the last few days. It needs to come out so, so bad. I just don't have the money. I stopped paying my insurance, and I got a letter from covered California a few months in saying it was paid but haven't heard anything sense so idk if I even have it anymore. I need to keep up on these things. I've been letting things pile up again, and I need to fix it starting from the bottom up. Thankfully I'm not in as bad of a spot as I've been in in the past. But still, the first step is getting to work every day. I need to get money so I can get resources and healthcare so I feel less shitty. It's hard, but I have to stay positive.

I deleted Instagram and I've been feeling a little less sad, so I think I'll continue to not use the app. Crazy how social media like that makes you feel so isolated, and ungrateful and unaware of the world around you. Just not having Instagram is making me want to use all my other social media apps less. Except Tumblr, I always want to use Tumblr more when I stop using the other apps because I use this as a diary. And when I'm not sad from looking at social media all day and can think clearly I want to write. I really need to write and publish something already. Ugh so much to do. I need to get a move on. Maybe I'll start writing random short stories and posting them on here to start.

[itsdanii]

Rejecting you and regretting it

genre: angst to fluff

warnings: slight cursing, rude behavior (resolved), do message me if I forgot any.

ft. sakusa kiyoomi, tsukishima kei

Sakusa Kiyoomi

you're not oblivious to the fact that kiyoomi is a very conscious person

that's one of the things you loved about him

he was hygienic and he always made sure that his health was his utmost priority

but one downside is that kiyoomi had the tendency to push people away because of his straightforwardness

you were used to it and in fact, you were one of those people he tolerated

but everyone has their bad days

and unfortunately for you, today was kiyoomi's and since you were always attached to him by the hip, he unintentionally snapped at you

what's worse is that he snapped at you the moment you confessed to him

"Omi!" you shouted happily as you entered the gymnasium, giving Komori a small wave before making your way to where Kiyoomi was sitting.

He looked at you with a frown. He wasn't wearing a mask since they were training awhile ago and only took a quick break. "Y/n, what are you doing here?"

You sat beside him making Kiyoomi grimace and slightly move away. You frowned at him, completely displeased at the action. "I just wanted to give you a visit. Plus, I have something to tell you."

You started to fiddle with your fingers nervously. You practiced your confession several times already but doing it seemed harder than you thought.

"What is it? Talk, I'm not in the right mood to socialize right now."

Out of panic, you quickly blurted out a rather loud, "I like you!" You immediately covered your mouth with your hand and stared at him wide eyed.

The other players looked at you with sympathy, knowing what's about to happen. Out of all days, you really had to confess today, when Kiyoomi was in a pissy mood after several fangirls pushed themselves against him this morning, not minding his personal space.

Kiyoomi stared at you with a serious expression before standing up. "I don't like you. Leave."

"But Omi.."

"You're irritating and you always bother me when it is clear that I don't want your company." He turned around and left you on the bench, your head casted down in humiliation.

You whispered a small sorry before running out of the gym with tears falling from your eyes.

For the next few days, you did your very best to stay away from Kiyoomi. You changed your route to school knowing that your usual route meant that you have to pass by his house. Even if you got scolded several times for being late, you did not stop.

You sat near the door so you can easily exit the room after class. You even stopped eating with Komori and Kiyoomi during breaks and lunch. Even your usual routine of visiting the gym during practices was stopped.

At first, Kiyoomi didn't mind. He knew that you'd come back in a few days just like you always did. You like him after all, right?

But when a few days turned into weeks, He started getting bothered. Why weren't you pestering him like always? Why did you stop visiting him? You said you like him, right?

It was the second week that Kiyoomi took action. He woke up extra early to wait for you infront of your house, aiming to confront you about your behavior.

When you went out, your eyes widened slightly upon seeing Kiyoomi waiting for you outside. He was wearing his face mask while staring at you intently, letting you know that he purposely waited for you.

You looked down and was about to walk pass him when you felt him tugging on your wrist. Your gaze snapped to his hand, not believing that he was indeed touching your skin.

"Sakusa?"

His eye twitched at the weirdness of you not calling him like usual. Sighing, he stepped a little closer to you, hand still holding your wrist to ensure that you won't run away from him.

"You're ignoring me," he said while eyeing you. "Why?"

You took your hand from him and furrowed your brows. "I'm just doing you a favor. I don't want to be a bother anymore. Isn't this what you wanted?"

"I-"

"It's fine, Sakusa. You don't have to force yourself to apologize just because you feel bad or obliged to."

He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "I'm not apologizing because I feel bad."

"Then what? You're apologizing just to make fun of me? I know I said I like you but that doesn't mean that you have the right to-"

"You don't get it!"

At this point, you were both raising your voices. Some passersby were looking at you two weirdly, some even running as to not get caught up in the fight.

"Get what, Sakusa? Why don't you tell me so I can understand?!"

"I like you!" Kiyoomi exclaimed. "I... Fuck. I like you, okay? I wasn't in the mood when you confessed and I rejected you without thinking. I messed up. The moment I saw you walk out, I knew I fucked up real bad and I-"

"Om-"

"And I thought that you'd come back the next day to bother me again like usual. I wanted to apologize but my pride-"

You sighed as he continued to ramble. With fast movements, you stood on your tiptoes and encircled your arms around his neck to pull him down to you, kissing him over his mask.

When you let go, Kiyoomi was silent. His eyes were wide and you thought that you went over board. Panic made its way to your face as you try to find the words to explain.

"Sorry, I didn't me-"

This time, he was the one to cut you off. Kiyoomi took off his mask and bent down to kiss you on your lips. One of his arms snaked around your waist to support you while the other settled on your nape, angling you to him.

"Be my s/o."

Tsukishima Kei

Everyone in Karasuno knew how much you like Tsukishima

In fact, you remind him everyday

You often give him fresh strawberries from the market and even bake him strawberry cake

Sometimes, you would put little sticky notes on his belongings and write some encouraging words like "you can do it", "I believe in you" or "take it easy!"

On his birthday, you even gave him a hoodie with a dino design (which he secretly loved)

There are times that you knew Tsukishima gets irritated when you visit and even snaps at you but you didn't mind. You liked him and a small snap will not discourage you

But what you didn't know was that it would only take one conversation to completely shatter your heart

"-And they're back," Sugawara said as he saw you enter the gym, a bubbly smile present on your face as usual.

"Kei!" You skipped your way towards Tsukishima and handed him his water bottle which you voluntarily refilled with hot water.

He only gave you a 'tsk' and took the water bottle. Adjusting his glasses, he stared at you from head to toe as if analyzing you, a small blush appearing on his cheeks.

"What are you looking at? Have you finally come to realize that you like me back?" you cheekily asked, poking his bicep.

"No. I was just wondering how someone could look so ugly."

Despite what he said, you forced yourself to giggle, covering your upset feeling with an eye roll. "Oh shut up, Kei. You don't have to hide it, you know? Don't worry, I'm not going to reject you."

You winked at him causing Tsukishima to blush even more.

The rest of the boys snickered and laughed at his reaction which made Tsukishima more embarrassed than he already is.

"Just confess to the girl already, Tsukishima. Can't you see she's trying hard to win you?" Daichi said with a small chuckle while patting Tsukishima's back.

Tsukishima just huffed and pushed his glasses up. "What's there to like? They're nothing but an eyesore anyway."

"What?" you asked in disbelief.

Having a playful banter with Tsukishima was normal in your routine but this was the first time he called you such an offensive term. Does he really think of you that way?

"Oh come on, stop acting dumb. I don't even get why there are guys running after you. I mean, there's really nothing much to look at, right?"

Everyone grew quiet at what he said, clearly not expecting Tsukishima to be at such level of rudeness.

You swallowed the lump forming in your throat as your insecurity skyrocketed. "I try hard every single day to look presentable to you. I-"

You paused for a moment to laugh pathetically at yourself. "I exert a lot of effort to make you notice me. I cook for you, I give you gifts. Heck, I even stay after class to help clean the gym so that the task would be easier for you and I'm not even asking for anything in return."

Tsukishima glared at you sharply that you immediately felt extremely smaller than him. "I never asked you to do those things for me."

"Can't you at least show me that you care?" You wiped your tears with the back of your hand. "Because I'm slowly getting tired of this push and pull game."

"Don't you get it? I don't like you. Why don't you stop pushing yourself to me and start getting a life, hm?"

"Tsukishima, that's enough!" you heard Daichi yell at him.

"Y/n?" Sugawara was immediately beside you, his hand rubbing circles on your back in attempt to calm you down.

"No-" You lifted your face up to meet Tsukishima's eyes. "I think he's right. I should stop being a nuisance and focus on myself."

"I'll leave you alone. I'm sorry," you said before giving Tsukishima a bow and leaving the gym with everyone's eyes following your figure until the door shut.

Everyone could only look at Tsukishima as he cursed under his breath.

"Shit."

The moment you left the gym, you headed straight to the comfort room to let your tears out. You stared at yourself on the mirror as tears cascaded down your cheeks.

"You're beautiful," you reassured yourself while pointing at your own reflection. "What he said doesn't make you any less. Know your worth."

You wiped your tears and splashed your face with cold water before getting out and heading to class without sparing Tsukishima any glance.

You ignored Tsukishima, stopped visiting the gym and focused on yourself. You even made made friends with some of your classmates that you didn't bother getting associated with last time because you were too focused on capturing the attention of Tsukishima.

Unbeknownst to you, a certain male was eyeing you as you interact with other people. He blamed himself for pushing you away. He didn't talk to you, thinking that you only wanted space for a couple days before bothering him again.

He knew that what he said was out of line and he regret everything he did. He even asked Yamaguchi and the rest of the team for advice but all of them responded with the same answer - apologize and tell you how he feels.

Tsukishima gripped the pen tightly as he watched you laughing at something your classmate said. The said classmate was too close to you and it was obvious that he was trying to flirt with you.

"Tsukki?" Yamaguchi called out. He followed Tsukishima's gaze and sighed. "Why don't you go and talk to them?"

"Tsk. Why would I do that? Can't you see they're enjoying his company?" Tsukishima bitterly said.

"You'll end up losing them if you don't do something about it now. Who knows, they might already be lo-" Yamaguchi stopped as Tsukishima instantly stood up and made his way to where you are.

Taking your wrist, he pulled you towards him, heading out of the classroom.

"Tsukishima, what the hell?!" You tried to resist but his grip on your wrist only tightened.

You gasped as he suddenly stopped, trapping you against a wall with his arms beside your head.

"I'm sorry." Tsukishima closed his eyes, balling his fist as he bowed his head. "I said hurtful words to you and no amount of apology will take those away but I want you to know that I regret every single one of it."

You bit your lower lip as you felt yourself tearing up once again. "Do you really think that I'm ugly? I was hurt, Kei. It's just.."

"I'm sorry." His hand made its way to your cheek, cupping your face while he wiped your tears with his thumb. "You're not ugly."

You shook your head and averted your gaze from him, a sob escaping your lips as you felt yourself falling for him deeper. "Don't. Just stop. I'll accept your apology but please just leave me be. I won't be able to stop my feelings for you if you keep leading me on."

"But I don't want you to stop."

"What?"

"I've fallen for you." He tipped your chin up with his hand making you look at him and you were surprised to see the vulnerability in his features. "Please look at me again, y/n. Keep loving me because I swear that I'll do things different this time. Give me a chance."

You can't help but encircle your arms around him, burrying your face on the side of his neck as you nodded repeatedly. "One chance, Kei."

Tsukishima hugged you tightly, lips pressing on the side of your head. "One chance." He leaned away from you and held your face with his hand, eyes boring to yours admiringly.

"You're beautiful."

Likes and reblogs are appreciated ❤️

[kpop-cakepops]

Soulmate: Bells (part 1) // JeonghanxFem!Reader

Ummmmm so mayhaps this ended up being WAY LONGER THAN INTENDED AND WILL HAVE A 2ND PART.

Genre: IDK how to explain it other than VERY light angst mixed with fluff.

Warnings: none

Word count: 3,573 🙊

"I'm sorry Jeonghan... I really thought this would work out. I thought that this soulmate thing wasn't going to sway me" Sowon couldn't maintain eye contact with Jeonghan as she spoke.

"What do you mean?" He asked with a trembling voice.

"Jeonghan... I found my soulmate... and as much as I fought it, everything in me gave up..." She said

Soulmates. It seemed that the older he grew the more he hated the term. Soulmates? Who in their right mind would believe that a little sound you heard on your sixteenth birthday would lead you to the person you were meant to be with for the rest of your life?

Sowon, apparently.

Despite having sworn to each other that soulmates would not make them waver, despite swearing to be together no matter what, no matter how hard and bumpy the road got... yet there she was sitting across from him, telling him she had given up on all those promises.

"Are you telling me you cheated on me?" He asked.

Sowon's eyes met the ground, but the more she refused to talk the more it dawned on Jeonghan, she had. She had cheated on him.

"Sowon-"

"I'm sorry! Please, I'm so sorry. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I couldn't stop myself... Jeonghan it's real. I heard it, the sound of glass clinking against glass. It sounds ridiculous because it's such a trivial thing to hear, but the sound made everything feel so clear, it was like my heart just knew and... Jeonghan, I love him. I don't even know him, but there's this- this part of me that I just can't control. I want to! I want to know him" she cried out. Jeonghan felt like all air had been kicked out of him. How was he meant to respond to that? He'd never experienced what Sowon was talking about, he couldn't even bring himself to imagine it... all he knew was that he didn't want to lose her. "I can't do this to you and I can't do it to him either. I'm sorry... we need to break up"

Tears pricked at Jeonghan's eyes as he watched the girl he loved the most stand from her seat and walk away from him.

That was the last time he saw her.

***

"Turns out his soulmate is a guy named Wonwoo... and he's so much prettier than me too! I seriously, cannot believe this is happening to me again... I was convinced I was his soulmate" you held your phone between your ear and your shoulder as you struggled to pull out a book from its place on the bookshelf. It had been a week since you'd tried to convince Mingyu that he was your soulmate, only for him to find his real soulmate a few days after meeting you.

"Maybe you should stop trying to force every pretty person around you to be your soulmate, Mingyu's bell wasn't even like yours, he was waiting to hear a bike bell and you didn't even hear your bell either, and NO someone yelling Taco Bell isn't a bell. Are you nuts?" Your best friend Soonyoung was on the line eating something as he yelled at you. It was a cycle he was both annoyed with and used to, but he understood. After spending most of your life alone, he understood why you were so adamant about finding your soulmate, the person that was meant to be with you for the rest of your life. The person who would rid you of the fear of dying alone and in pain like those who were never able to meet their soulmates because that's how this world worked. No matter how much you tried, sometimes meeting the one person that was meant to love you, was an impossible task.

"Okay so maybe I didn't hear the bell but I heard a bell" you insisted as you tugged harshly at the book finally managing to free it from its spot but dropping it in the process. You scurried quickly to grab it but a pair of dainty hands beat you to it and pushed the book up to you.

"Thank you" you murmured not paying any attention and walking straight past the stranger.

"You're welcome" answered Soonyoung, and it was almost like she could hear his shit-eating grin.

"Shut up, I wasn't-" you were cut off by the sound of a tinkling bell as the door to the small book store swung open, and suddenly, as if by art of magic everything around you seemed to stop. It was like one of those five gum commercials, at least that's the only thing you could compare it to. All your senses were alive and you couldn't help but feel... aware... of what, you didn't know, but you felt aware. You were reverted to your 16th birthday, sitting alone in your large dining room with no one but your nanny and the sound of a hopeful bell ringing in your mind marking you for the future. "Wait... wait Soonyoung, I heard it. That was it. I heard the bell" you said as turned around quickly to find the person that had just handed you your book.

Your best friend groaned on the other side of the line "Oh god... are you being serious right now? Are you seriously doing this again?"

"Shit... Shit shit shit, where is he? I lost him. He was right behind me-" you rushed over to the spot where you'd dropped the book but no one was there anymore. Then it hit you... the door. The door opened and closed only moments after he handed the book to you, he must have walked out. "Oh no... he left!" You dropped your book and rushed out the door, your phone still in hand as a sense of panic started to fill you.

"Soonyoung, I can't find him. It was him and I don't know what he looks like!" you were starting to freak out. How could you miss him like that? You were also confused. Wasn't the sound supposed to be automatic? As soon as the two of you met the sound was supposed to trigger... for the two of you so why wasn't he there? Were you mistaken?

"Wait, Y/N are you being serious right now?"

"Yes! Soonyoung, it was the bell, but I missed him. Oh god, NOW WHAT?!" You asked as you walked down the sidewalk, eyes roaming every single person in sight in case anything... special or magical happened, but it was to no avail. No one seemed to do anything for her.

"Y/N are you sure you're not just-"

You cut your best friend off in annoyance. "I'll call you back later, I need to find this guy" you grumbled quickly hanging up the call after. You really couldn't find him, he had been in front of you just moments before but he'd disappeared almost as he'd come. A second wave of panic passed you as you looked around helplessly. Tears were pricking at your eyes because despite being childish and immature most of the time, the feeling you got when hearing that bell was nothing like anything you'd felt before... and yet... your soulmate didn't look for you. Your soulmate should have heard the bell too, right? So where was he?

Slowly your biggest fear started materializing before you in the shape of nothingness, in the shape of loneliness. Your soulmate didn't seem to want you or at least didn't seem to care enough to come back and find you.

Except, he had found you. Your very soulmate was staring at you from the bookstore's window with a gaze of confusion, a part of him hated that your sole existence meant he couldn't choose love for himself, that because of the woman on the other side of the glass he could no longer be with the person he chose. That he was predestined to love someone he knew nothing about... yet the other half of him felt an unexplainable urge to walk up to you and hug you like he'd missed you his whole life. Of walking up to you and wiping away the tears you were earnestly trying to hide as you stared at every single person that walked by.

That's why Jeonghan found himself avoiding the bookstore like the plague after that day. He would walk by on occasion wondering if it'd be okay to walk in, but then he'd see you sitting outside the shop waiting for something to happen, and he'd turn right back around. Eventually, you stopped showing up, and although he'd never stopped to talk to you, Jeonghan subconsciously wondered where you'd gone and if you were okay.

After a month of not going, Jeonghan finally dropped by the bookstore when Joshua called him to help him with a new shipment. His friend had grown increasingly curious as to why Jeonghan had been avoiding the store when it seemed the store had been his safe haven since his heart-wrenching breakup.

"Mind telling me what you've been up to lately?" Asked Joshua when the last customer was out the door.

"Studying for exams" Jeonghan lied as he moved the stack of books to be donated into a box.

"Alone?" Asked Joshua curiously.

"Yes alone, who else would I study with?" Asked Jeonghan as he moved his floppy red hair out of his face.

"Oh... alright" Joshua answered.

Unable to hold it in, Jeonghan's best friend spoke again. "I found my soulmate," he said. Joshua knew it was a touchy topic for Jeonghan, but he was his best friend and it was important for him that Jeonghan know.

The red-haired man cleared his throat uncomfortably, he had found his too, but that was not something he necessarily felt like sharing with the world. He had tried convincing himself he was keeping it a secret to show that he was in control of his own mind and emotions, but in reality, he was scared and embarrassed. Scared that he'd be proven wrong about you, that you'd be everything he wanted and dreamed of, and embarrassed that due to his own capriciousness he was hurting you.

"Okay" was all that Jeonghan could muster at the news.

"I want you to meet her," said Joshua as he put unsold books into the same box Jeonghan had been filling.

This caused Jeonghan to pause for a moment. Joshua wanted him to meet his soulmate, "what for?"

Joshua sighed and stood up straight, his big eyes looking straight at his friend. "Because she's important to me and you are my best friend. I want you both to get to know each other."

Unable to say no to his best friend, Jeonghan nodded his head, "okay."

The lack of drive in his usually playful best friend worried Joshua and it pained him to know that if he even tried to bring the worries up, Jeonghan would simply disappear for a few more weeks again. "I invited her out for dinner, her friend will be coming too, so you don't have to worry about third-wheeling"

With a thin forced smile, Jeonghan stood and dusted his hands in front of himself. "Okay"

By the time they finished packing up the boxes, Jeonghan was ushered out of the store. He watched as his friend turned the "open" sign over and locked the door. Subconsciously, Jeonghan's eyes stopped on the silver bell hanging from the door. Memories of the way you had looked on that day, panicked and frantic as you searched the area for him. It made him wonder yet again, what you were up to and if everything was okay with you.

The wait at the restaurant wasn't long. It only took about 5 minutes for a girl to walk in with a bright smile on her face, one that was instantly matched by Joshua's the moment he lay eyes on her. "Hey" she greeted happily.

Jeonghan was too busy watching the two interact to even notice the way you'd followed Joshua's soulmate into the restaurant like a dejected little shadow. The truth was, you hadn't exactly planned on being there. You had been spending the last few weeks feeling sorry for yourself and ignoring your two best friends, for some reason you had started to get comfortable with that way of life, that is until In-na came barging into your home squealing about her soulmate... you couldn't exactly say no to her invitation, and free dinner wasn't exactly a bad idea.

And then you sat down.

You didn't notice him at first. When In-na had told you you'd be meeting her soulmate, you hadn't been thrilled, it almost felt like a slap to the face, but you knew your friend better than to believe her to be evil like that. You knew she had good intentions in mind when she told you her soulmate would be inviting his best friend so you wouldn't feel too much like a third-wheel. It was rude of you, for sure, but since the moment you sat you'd been on your phone texting Soonyoung about how much you hated being there, and trying to convince him to pick you up, but Soonyoung was ignoring you for ignoring him.

"This is my best friend, Y/N" you heard In-na introduce you and for the first time since you'd arrived, you were forced to face the two guys in front of you.

And then you wished you hadn't.

It was him. Everything in your being was SCREAMING that it was him. Every fiber in you knew that the man with hair dyed a deep red, that was sitting across from you at that very moment was him. But something was wrong with him. His big droopy eyes looked like a flashlight that had run out battery, all signs of light were gone and something in you stirred. Was it sadness? Worry? You couldn't pinpoint it.

Then there was Jeonghan, who, unbeknownst to you, saw almost a reflection of himself when he saw you. The burnt-out gaze and the bags under your eyes, except he was the cause for your sadness and then something in him stirred, but unlike you, he knew exactly what it was.

Guilt.

Jeonghan was about to excuse himself to leave but you beat him to it by painting a smile on your face, "nice to meet you guys"

You were mad. Angry. Fuming. He was pretending to not know you. He had pretended from the start because you could tell, even if you didn't want to, you could read him like a book because, despite him not wanting it, you two were entwined for life. Quite literally biologically wired to be together, because that's how society worked, that's how it had worked for centuries.

"Nice to meet you too" greeted Joshua softly, but his eyes we not set on you, just like In-Na's weren't. They were soulmates, after all, they were blind to the world around them... and it was simply disappointing how unlike them you and Jeonghan were.

Dinner was long, the energy emanating from you was directly absorbed by the man sitting across from you. He was uncomfortable, the way you were acting just didn't seem to sit well with him. From the way you picked at your food without taking a single bite, to the way you looked like you would rather be anywhere but where you sat, he felt... worried?

"Who wants ice cream?" Asked In-na and Joshua who, contrary to the 2 extras sitting beside them, were having the time of their lives. You wanted so badly to say you didn't want ice cream, to tell her to take you home, but the light blush that spread across your friend's cheeks and the almost sparkly gaze Joshua stared at her with, didn't allow you to make such a request. So instead you remained silent, and to no one's surprise so did Jeonghan.

"I know a great place, I'll go pay for the food, and then I'll drive us there," Joshua announced.

With that, he walked in direction of the front counter, leaving behind the love of his life and the two dysfunctional soulmates that refused to so much as look at each other. "Isn't he amazing? Isn't he, Y/N?" In-na gushed.

You smiled genuinely, if anything good had come out of that dinner it was the amount of joy it brought your best friend. "He's awesome, In-na. You two really are made for one another"

She clasped your hand in hers and grinned softly. "Thank you for coming. I promise we'll find your soulmate soon" she mentioned mindlessly. It was beyond frustrating to see Jeonghan lift his head from the corner of your eyes, his expression almost clueless.

"I'm going to go outside, I need to make a call real quick, yeah?"

In-na nodded, but you doubted she even heard what you said as her eyes were trained on the man paying at the front counter. With a sigh, you stepped out of your seat and took yourself out of the restaurant. The fresh air outside and the fact that you were no longer around Jeonghan seemed to decompress your lungs.

As if on autopilot, your fingers tapped at the screen of your phone calling Soonyoung.

"I don't know if you realize this, but I'm ignoring you" the man on the other end snapped as he answered the phone.

Hearing his voice made your heart twist in relief because despite being a dumb jerk sometimes, Soonyoung was your best friend. He was your comfort and that's precisely what you needed: comfort. "Soonyoung..." you hadn't noticed you were on the verge of tears until you spoke his name.

All signs of pettiness were gone from his voice as he answered, "y/n. Are you crying?"

"Listen, I get that you're upset with me, but I really, really, need you to come pick me up" you begged, forcing yourself to swallow the lump in your throat. "I promise you can go right back to ignoring me once you drop me off home"

"Where are you? I'll be there in 5 minutes."

"I'll send you the address. Just please come."

You hung up the call, hands wiping at your eyes quickly until a hand reached out before you, the same hand that had handed you a book back then, except this time it was handing you a tissue. You sniffle a bit before snatching it from him and blowing your nose obnoxiously.

Jeonghan didn't say anything as you both stood side by side waiting for Soonyoung to pick you up. He was still feeling guilty, but what exactly was he supposed to say? I'm in love with someone else? No, of course not, because the more he watched you, the more he forgot what Sowon looked and sounded like, and the more he stood in your proximity feeling all types of emotions... the more he forgot what 'loving' Sowon had ever felt like. Was he supposed to tell you that he hated you for something that was entirely out of your, his, and even Sowon's control when all he could focus on was how nice your hair smelled and how good the warmth of your body felt even when he wasn't touching you?

Exactly 5 minutes went by in loud silence until a car drove up to the curve. You pushed yourself off the wall you'd been leaning on and turned to look at your sullen soulmate, who had instinctively followed suit stepping away from the wall in alarm. You huffed in frustration as you watched him. You wanted to tell him off so badly, and yet his big eyes were now telling you he was just as confused as you about all the sudden feelings you were both feeling, you were so flustered you ended up walking away. Then you thought about it twice and turned right back around and stopped right before Jeonghan, your hand grabbing his causing his eyes to meet yours directly for the first time that night. "You, if you run away again and pretend to not know me, I will find you and... I don't know what I'll do yet, but Joshua will tell me where you are. I will make sure of it." you warned him, "bye." The bite in your words made him wince.

He wanted to answer and maybe even apologize but you didn't give him a chance to as you walked up to the car that was waiting for you across the street. A man within the car was glaring at him through squinted eyes, surely he was trying to intimidate Jeonghan, but all Soonyoung really did was make Jeonghan uncomfortable.

"Stop staring at him and drive" you grumbled bringing your friend back to reality.

At that moment both In-na and Joshua stepped out of the restaurant with bright smiles. "Where's Y/N?" asked In-na, big eyes searching the area for you.

Jeonghan didn't find it in him to answer her. The buzzing feeling in the hand you'd held was too intriguing to him.

"Can I have her address?" Jeonghan blurted.

The couple stared at him as if he'd grown a third head. "Um, why would you need that?" asked his best friend in confusion.

Because maybe having a soulmate isn't as bad as I'd thought it'd be.

[faulty-writes]

Headcanons fpr Big Boys Tenya, Inasa and Mirio with an SO that usually holds back a lot when showing affection because she doesn't want to come off as obsessive or clingy, but she just can't take it anymore: she's GOTTA show some love to them and all those muscles they have! Caressing their arms, sweet little kisses all over their abs, fondling their pecs appreciatively, all the while praising them to the heavens and back... Y'know, that sort of thing.

My big strong muscle boys. Here we go! 

Icons Made By Yours Truly. Don’t Steal. 

Tenya Iida 

Tenya began to notice your odd behavior when you insisted on clinging to his arm, whether you were in class or in public. Your need to feel and squeeze his biceps became a curious habit that he had tried to ignore. Though it was distracting nonetheless and he couldn’t help but think you were up to something. “My love, have I not given you enough attention? If so, my apologies but please release my arm. It’s getting rather...strange how you insist on staying so close to me. You are safe I can assure you.” Tenya was always oblivious to your advances. 

When you began to compliment his body, mostly his legs and arms. He got a little embarrassed, though your compliments were more than welcomed. “Ah, yes well. Thank you very much, my love. While I believe appearances are important, I do not see them as a point of attraction. However, I’m quite happy that you enjoy the way I present myself.” he was so formal with everything. 

One day, he told you his friends invited him to swim. You took this chance to admire his shirtless body. Those bulging muscles and abs had you flustered. When he finished you approached him, taking in his dripping wet form. Your hands didn’t hesitate to run up his bare chest and you leaned close to pepper his bulging pecs with kisses. But once more Tenya didn’t seem to catch on. 

To finally get your point across, you managed to get Tenya into the bedroom and once there. You pinned him down, “Ah! L-Love, are you feeling well? I...” his words came to a halt when you forced his shirt over his head and began to kiss along his muscular arms. Then your tongue came out, licking at every curve and you kissed the palms of his hands which, in a way, were muscular and strong. Tenya was flustered because of your sudden actions and your sweet compliments about how attractive he was. 

However, you didn’t stop there. You cornered him after training and smiled as you began to take off his Ingenium costume piece by piece. "Love...w-what..." he latched onto his lip as your hands ran up his body, feeling his every curve. "I'm sorry Tenya, you're just so attractive. Big, strong, smart, responsible, and sexy. I can't help but want to shower your muscular body with all my love" you said and Tenya nearly passed out from a red face. 

Inasa Yoarashi

"YOUR HANDS LIKE TO WANDER" Inasa responded, his own were on your hips. Keeping you in his lap as your hands slipped underneath his shirt, feeling those ridged abs that he no doubt worked hard for. "Mmhm," you responded before squeezing his pecs which caused him to squeak. 

One day Inasa had insisted on taking you out on a date. You clung to his arm as tightly as you could and your hands continuously squeezed his bicep. He laughed when he finally caught on, "My LOVE, you ENJOY FEELING my MUSCLES?! I have been working out, SEE?!" he flexed his arm for you, the sight made your knees weak. 

"Stop squirming!" you demanded as you pinned Inasa to the bed, though a little thing like you straddling such a large man was almost laughable. But Inasa played along. "I'M SORRY LOVE, your mouth IS tickling me," you had pulled his shirt up and those abs you loved so much were covered in your saliva and the skin was pink from all your kisses. "If you weren't so attractive I wouldn't have to give you so many kisses," you said, though your words only made him laugh. 

You had gone crazy the day you walked into his room and saw him in a towel. His biceps flexed ever so slightly when he noticed you, "Love! SORRY, I DID NOT mean to HAVE YOU see me like this!" you ignored his words and rushed toward him, he cried out when you jumped onto him. Though he would never drop you, instead he found himself at a loss for words when you leaned over and began to nibble on his arms. You could eat Inasa up. 

You worshiped his body, even his muscular legs which you kissed up and down, "Gale Force" you purred the man’s hero name and Inasa squirmed in response. "I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR HERO." you liked the sound of that and kissed your way up to his abs. Though you knew he was ticklish, that made praising his body more humorous.

Mirio Togata  

Mirio never liked to show off, at least not in a bad way. Everything he did was for a purpose which was usually to help others like the time he had faced off with the first-years. But when it came to you, it was a little different. He first noticed it when he had insisted you go to the gym with him and you couldn’t seem to take your eyes off of him. Especially when he lifted weights and did squats. His body was something to behold.

Whenever he wore his Lemillion costume, you couldn’t help but feel his chest up. The thin fabric outlined every bit of muscle and curve he had. Though Mirio didn’t mind the positive attention, “You really like Lemillion huh?” you smiled and nodded in your head before squeezing one of his biceps. “Oh! I’ve been working my biceps really hard, check it out,” he smirked as he flexed his arm for you, of course, you didn’t hesitate to feel it up.

One day, you were feeling frisky and pinned Mirio against the wall. He had just gotten out of the shower, though he had little shame in walking around nude due in part to his quirk. Still, he laughed as you attempted to pin his arms above his head and kiss along his abs. Seemed he was ticklish. “Hey! Sunshine, haha. You really like...doing this hahaha!” he said and you nodded your head. “You deserve a little praise.” Mirio looked surprised, but he didn’t stop you from continuing.

Dates were a normal occurrence with Mirio, he always planned cute little things and always acted excited about what he had planned. “Sunshine! Come here,” he said cheerfully as he lifted you into the air and you couldn’t help but squeeze his arms, tracing every vein up to his collarbones. “Mm, you’re so amazing Mirio. I love your big strong arms,” you commented causing Mirio to flush. “Well...thanks sunshine, I promise I’ll keep growing stronger for you. So these big strong arms will always keep you safe.” he said before lowering you to the ground once more.

When you were laying in bed with Mirio, you loved cuddling into his chest. Though your hands still wandered and you couldn’t resist pulling Mirio’s shirt up to press kisses along his stomach, nibbling at the skin. “Baby...” Mirio warned as he squirmed in response, but you trailed a line of kisses up to his arms and back down to his collarbones. Your lips teasingly pressed against each pec or at least you tried to, sometimes it was hard to tease Mirio because he would always move. “Hey now, don’t eat me yet.” he joked, though you couldn’t help yourself. His muscular body was all yours.

[yunho-es]

Member/s: Seonghwa (ATEEZ), Namjoon (BTS)

Genre: soft/angst

Warnings: swear words

Words: 2133

"May I take your order?"

"Chocolate croissant and orange juice, please." I say, handing back the breakfast card to the waitress. "Namjoon?"

The man in front of me lifts his look from his card. "I will have blueberry pancakes, please." he gives back his card and smiles politely at the waitress. She smiles back at us and leaves with our orders. "I heard your little boyfriend is in town." he coughs.

"Little baldie is here?" I reply calmy, ignoring the fact that he calls him my boyfriend. He laughs and slaps his hands at my words. I know his laugh is coming from his heart when he does that.

"Why baldie?"

"Since he became a little famous on YouTube with his singing he behaves like a kpop idol; dyeing his hair 3 times a month." I roll my eyes and look over at the kitchen door, waiting for my meal to come out.

"So... He's behaving like me?" Namjoon raises his eyebrow.

"You can make fun of me but at the end of the day you are the ones that will end up bald." I can't help myself so I start laughing and he joins. "Also, he's not my boyfriend."

"If we ask you, of course he isn't." the brown haired boy looks towards the kitchen door too, ignoring my suspicious look. Then he takes his phone and starts texting someone.

"What do you mean if you ask me? Who else do you ask?" I know who, but I want to hear the words from someone else so I can be sure. But Namjoon pretends he doesn't hear me and continues to type on his phone. I look down on his screen trying to read the person's name. "Typing on the phone while you're with someone is considered rude, in case you didn't know."

I lean back in my chair and watch his face, waiting for a reaction. But he doesn't move anything except his fingers. Finally, I saw the waitress coming towards our table.

"I swear I'm gonna eat all your pancakes." he smirks and leaves his phone.

"If you do that, it will be your last meal." he says with a wink. The waitress put he croissants and orange juice in front of me, then the pancakes with a glass of water in front of Namjoon. Just as she was about to leave, he stops her. "One medium vegetable omelette and sausages too, please. Thank you."

I give him a confused look. "Don't you have to watch what you eat?" he looks at his pancakes, then at me, then back at his pancakes.

"What are you talking about? I am watching what I eat." he proceeds to stare at his plate. "And it looks delicious." as soon as he said that he stuffed his mouth with the blueberries first, then pancakes.

"You're so funny I forgot how to laugh. Sometimes I miss you when you have a busy schedule but I get tired of you real soon."

"Isn't she a delight?"

I turn around quickly as I feel a voice near my ear. "Holy sh*t!" I jump and the person laughs.

"Nice to see you again." the blonde haired boy said. Just two weeks ago he had blue hair and a different clothing style. "Hi, Namjoon."

"You made it! Unfortunately I'll have to go as soon as I finish this but you have your little girlfriend here." Seonghwa sits next to Namjoon on the opposite side of me and smiles. "You two enjoy. I ordered what you told me." so that is why Namjoon was on the phone the whole time.

The two of them start a small talk and I find myself staring at Seonghwa. His look changed, but his facial expressions and body language didn't. I know exactly how he reacts when he's surprised, angry, happy or sad. I know his eyes very well. Speaking of his eyes, I noticed him giving me a few quick glances. My boyfriend, says Namjoon. I can't wait to find out what that is about.

***

"Kids, it was nice seeing you, but Hoseok told me I have to leave soon to catch them on the bus." Namjoon takes his jacket and puts his sunglasses on. Then he does his little handshake with Seonghwa and hugs me. "Enjoy your meals!"

"How old do I have to be for you to stop calling me a kid?" the blonde boy complains.

"I don't know. All you can do is wait and find out." finally, he gets up and leaves the cafe. Now I'm left with one chocolate croissant, half glass of juice and a boyfriend. They say that based on your morning, that's how the rest of your day will be. Let's see.

"Hi." he speaks first. "I'm sorry I didn't ask if you were comfortable with me coming here. I know that you're not a big fan of me." I notice one of his movements when he's nervous: playing with his fingers and rings.

"Says who?" I can be rude towards him sometimes, roasting the h*ll out of him just to have a good laugh. But as time passes I realise that while I'm getting the laugher, he's getting the embarrassment and lower self-confidence. Today I will be the best I can. "Just because I make a few jokes sometimes that doesn't mean I can't stand you."

"I wouldn't say a few jokes..." he grabs the fork and starts picking the remaining vegetables on his plate, then continues. "Are you still working in the same place?"

I explain to him that our boss had a case in her family and gave all employees three days off. He nods his head at my words as a small sign that he understands. "What about you?" I finish the other croissant, together with the juice and lean back into my chair, ready to listen to him.

"I have a few days off too. Not because something happened to my boss, but because I accidentally set the studio on fire." he replies calmly. I stare at him wide eyed, waiting for him to laugh or at least say that he is joking. But when I see that he doesn't even look at me I realise he is serious.

"Even though I'm really curious about what happened, I have another question."

I decide to ask him about Namjoon's words. It is a joke, but there must be something that created it: a situation, or a person. Seonghwa finishes his plate as well and takes a sip of his water. Then I decide that we should rather take a walk. We've been too long in this place and I need fresh air. I will ask him about it outside.

***

It is a warm, sunny day, just like they said last night on TV. Seonghwa decided that a nearby park was a perfect place to sit and talk, and I agreed. So here we are, sitting on a wooden bench, listening to birds.

"Look, I wanted to ask you-"

"Namjoon told you, didn't he?" he interrupts me. As usually, he avoids to look at me and instead just looks around the park. I turn my body towards him, putting both of my legs on each side of the bench.

"He didn't tell me much. If you want, I can pretend that I don't know anything and you can say what you wanted instead of him." I try to speak as calm as I can. With his hands in his pockets and his lip under his teeth, he still refuses to look at me. I never saw how pretty his side profile is. He truly looks like an idol: with his clear skin, sharp jaw, almost perfect face proportions.

Finally, he sighs and turns his head towards me and catches me staring. "I think I have feelings for you." he goes straight to the point. My mouth suddenly gets dry and I try to think of my next words, but when he sees that I'm trying to speak, he puts his hand up as a sign to stop. "Let me finish. Believe me when I say that I have no clue when this started, and how it started. You always made fun of me and my dreams, but I laughed with you. You always refused to go out with me anywhere, and when you did go out with me, suddenly a third person would join. In case you didn't notice, I found a job in a studio on the other side of the city, just to be far from you. That way I could help both of us, but it didn't work. I still have no f*cking idea how I fell for a person like you, but I'm-"

"A person like me?" I raise my eyebrow. "What is that supposed to mean?" the blonde haired boy laughs at my words, making me even angrier.

"From all of the things I said, that's what you decide to ask me? Yes, a person like you. A mean person. A person that would embarrass anyone just to give the crowd a good laugh, even if it meant breaking the person. You know what? Forget it. I'm going back to the hole which I came from and I'll continue working hard on my stupid and impossible dreams, as you say. I don't even know what I expected from you." with those words, he gets up from the bench, not giving me a single look. Then he starts walking away. It takes me a few moments to replay all of his words in my head, and I get mad at myself for getting mad at him. He has every right to be like this, but one thing I still can't understand.

"Hey, idiot!" I slap myself mentally. Was it hard to call him by his name? It stayed as a habit, I guess. As expected, Seonghwa doesn't turn around, so I'm forced to run towards him. I grab his arm and stand in front of him, thinking of my next words. A sorry is all I can say. His gaze is killing me. From the look on his face I can see that he is remembering all the moments I let him down. I've never felt more ashamed and bad. He laughs sarcastically again and keeps walking. "No, please! You have no idea how sorry I am. All I wanted was to fit in I didn't even think about-"

"That's the thing. You didn't even think." he interrupts me for the second time today. "I hope you feel at least a little bit like I felt most of the time."

He's trying to look angry, but every few seconds his gaze softens. I used a boy with dreams to impress people I didn't even know. As a result, I broke him.

"But still, my mind and my heart are so tired and broken that I still wish to grab you and kiss you right here, hoping that you won't push me away." the words leave his mouth as a soft whisper. My hand is still holding his arm and I can't seem to let go.

All the words he said to me made me see him in a different light. I always saw him as that guy with good grades, but too big dreams, as the guy who could take all the jokes and even make jokes about himself. But right now, in front of me stood a grown up man, confessing everything so bravely. And his wish became true; I did feel a bit like he did. Humiliated and ashamed, but ashamed of my behaviour, not my dreams.

As we stood like that in the middle of the park, I didn't notice that he closed the gap between our bodies and gently removed my hand from his arm. "I really want to kiss you." he admits and waits for a response.

"How can you kiss a person like me?" my eyes are slowly starting to get teary as I keep replaying all his words in my head. He doesn't respond to that. Instead, he grabs my face gently with both his hands and presses his soft lips on mine. I close my eyes with a sigh and allow myself to return every kiss he gives me. I melt into his touch and find myself asking for more. After a few very short kisses, he pulls away.

"How can I not kiss a person like you?" he smiles. "You did make me feel miserable, but that didn't stop me for developing feelings for you. And I always believe in second chances when it comes to people. So please use it well."

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 2.7k

Warnings: swearing, angst, drunk, motion of death

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 2 Part 4

Part 3

In less than ten minutes, we had pulled up to Liam's house. Liam paid for the taxi too. I kind of argued this time, but he pointed out he asked me to his house. I didn't get too stubborn about it.

Liam was living in a four-story terrace house, recently renovated by the looks of it. It was painted white with black wrought iron lacework, and it was beautiful. The front door and windows were painted black. It appeared to be the twin of the house that shared its wall.

We entered through the dining room, and I realised it was actually the two houses renovated together. The inside was modern with original heritage touches. The floors were light timber, and the walls were white. The ceilings had plaster and cornice so beautifully ornate that restoration must have taken ages. The room had an imposing black marble fireplace and a deep brown, almost black wooden dining table set on a grey shag rug in the room's centre. A huge abstract painting of bright pinks, greens and grey hung on the wall.

"Wow, this must have cost a mint!" I quickly covered my mouth. "I'm sorry, that was rude of me."

"It's ok. I was pleasantly surprised by the house too. The studio got the house for me I...." Liam was interrupted by a massive dog bounding into the room.

Liam got down and roughhoused with the dog for a bit. Wow, he was a monster! I'd seen a picture of Cole before that "Will" had sent me, but I wasn't quite prepared for how big he was. He was almost completely black with some brown above his eyes and ears. His paws were brown too, and his belly was grey. He wasn't any particular breed, apparently a rescue dog. I thought of my bull terrier cross cattle dog at home. This dog would eat him for breakfast, and Perrin wasn't small.

Cole's pink tongue lolled, and he panted as Liam moved from side to side. Cole imitated Liam's actions jumping about. He barked a couple of times as he got excited by the play. The noise reverberated through the quiet house.

"Shhh, Cole, people are sleeping." Liam softly admonished. Then his voice became stern. "Sit," he ordered before patting him. Liam looked at me and said, "Lana, this is Cole. Cole, Lana."

"Hi, Cole. You're much bigger in person." I could hear the slight tremor in my voice. Liam must have sensed I was nervous and came over to stand near me. Cole padded over and sniffed at me. Gingerly, I put my hand by my side and let him approach me. Cole nuzzled my hand, and I gave him a pat on the side of his neck. I let out a sigh of relief.

"I was worried he wouldn't like me. I love dogs but always get nervous around new ones." Liam put his head to the side, asking a silent question. "I had a dingo go me one time, and I've never really gotten over it." I squatted down and gave Cole more pats. "I think this guy is ok, though."

"Yeah, he's a good boy. How is Perrin, by the way?"

"He's ok." I sighed, "he's just old. The poor little guy can't get onto my bed anymore and sleeps in my lounge room now. I kinda miss it, but I have slept a bit better."

Liam gave Cole some more pats and told him to go sit. "Come on. I'll make you a tea or coffee if you'd like." I agreed a coffee would be perfect right now. I needed something to sober me up.

I sat at the kitchen bench while Liam made coffees. Cole sat by my stool, and I patted his head while watching Liam. Liam had kicked off his shoes and was walking around in his bare feet. It was amazing to see him so much more relaxed here than while we were out. He really did appear to enjoy being at home.

As Liam made our coffee, he moved with a grace that surprised me. His movements seemed economical and rigid but hinted at the power beneath them. He seemed coiled and ready to explode at any moment. It was like he was dancing the pasodoble, his body moving to an invisible beat. Images of Strictly Ballroom came into my mind, and I found myself humming Love is in the Air. I was drunker than I thought.

When Liam was done, he led me over to his large L shaped lounge, and I sat. Liam flopped down next to me, casually laying back and popped his feet up on the coffee table. Cole sat on a mat that was clearly his.

I sipped my coffee, not knowing what else to do. Suddenly the quiet between Liam and I felt awkward.

Liam and I spoke at the same time, "What.." "So..."

We both laughed. Liam indicated I should proceed. "Well, I was going to ask what brought you out to Sydney, for real, not the Will answer."

"A new project. I'm going to be filming a television show." Liam proceeded to tell me about his project, working with some people from Netflix on a fantasy/sci-fi series adaptation. He was so animated when telling me that it was obvious that he loved his job.

It would be his first television series and was to be more romance heavy than anything he had done in years. Liam explained that he is filming here because the story was written and developed in Australia. "If it works out, I'll probably be based out of Australia for the next few years. I'll go home to England for a few months during breaks, maybe do some small film roles. It's hard with Cole, though, because every trip into Australia means 10 days quarantine for him."

"Oh yeah, and you don't want a Pistol and Boo situation." Liam looked confused, and I explained about Amber Heard and Johnny Depp smuggling their dogs into Australia.

"I thought you said you don't follow celebrity gossip."

"I don't, but that was big news, hilarious really. It was on every bit of media in Australia, and then they had to make this cringe video apology. I almost felt bad for them." Then I yawned, suddenly all the alcohol had lost its buzz, and I was just tired. "The coffee doesn't seem to be doing its job. What time is it?"

Liam looked at his watch, "11.30."

"Yeah, it's late. I should get home. I don't want to turn into a pumpkin." I cringed. Fuck.

"You don't have to go. You could stay here." I raised my eyebrows. "I do have more than one bed if that's what you want." Liam leaned over to me and placed a hand on my cheek, rubbing his thumb against my skin.

I looked at my nearly empty coffee mug. I swirled the dregs around the bottom as if it were tea leaves, and they would tell me what to do. "I don't want to go home yet, but I don't want to go too fast, either."

"That's ok."

I didn't move. I wanted to stay. Ten years ago, I would have stayed, but Andy's face flashed into my thoughts. I knew it was ridiculous. Andy had been gone for over three years now. But every time I even contemplated being with someone, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Liam was waiting for an answer, but I didn't know what to tell him. 'It's not you, it's me' is such a tired cliche, but sometimes it's true.

"Lana, it's ok. If you want to go home, that's absolutely fine. I'll even call you an Uber."

I felt my eyes sting, and I looked away from Liam. My bloody traitorous tear ducts giving me away. I shouldn't have drunk so much. Alcohol always makes me emotional.

"Fuck." I swore under my breath. I angrily wiped at my eyes, thankful I had used waterproof mascara. My eyeliner was a different story, though, and black streaked my fingers. I asked Liam where his bathroom was, and I got up, only half listening to his directions. I found it quickly. It was only through the doorway into a little enclave with a powder room, stairs and a lift. What kind of bloody house has a lift?

I closed the door and sat on the toilet seat. I knew enough not to try to stop the tears, so I just let them go. Bloody hell, Andy. Why did he fucking have to leave me? Why the fuck did you have to fucking die. Goddammit. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to Andy? I wanted to scream, to punch something, to throw something. I needed another cigarette. Fuck you, Andy. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck Liam.

As I always did when I thought of Andy, I remembered the last time I saw him. His sweet face looked down at me as he kissed me goodbye. His deep brown hair fell like a curtain around us, hiding our kiss from the world. Cheekily I had slipped my tongue into his mouth, and he had groaned as he pulled away. He told me to save it for when he got back and would be as quick as he could be. I had thanked him for filling in for me. He winked and said to thank him later. Then he left.

When I was able to, I started to take deep breaths. In through my nose, out through my mouth. I could feel the tightness in my chest slowly ease. Breathing became more comfortable, and the tears stopped. I looked at my hands, and I was able to release the fists I was making. My nails hadn't broken the skin this time, but small red crescents remained etched into my palms.

I waited a few minutes longer to make sure the moment had passed. It wasn't Andy's fault he died, and I knew that. It's also not my fault that I wanted someone to love again. Sleeping with someone other than Andy felt like crossing the Rubicon, no going back.

The fact was there is no going back, no Andy to go back to, even if I wanted. In my head, it still felt like a betrayal. But it wasn't. And Liam wasn't just anybody. He was a guy I had spent weeks talking to, getting to know, and although he looks different, he is still acting as I had expected. I saw a potential future here. Did I really want to let my past ruin it?

I cleared my throat and stood up, preparing myself to see the horror that looked back at me. Ugh, it wasn't great. My eyeliner had given me panda eyes, and the tears had created streaks down my cheeks.

Getting a tissue and blew my nose, and decided there was nothing else for it, I washed my makeup off my face. I avoided washing my eye makeup off though, that was a mess I just didn't have the products for, so I just wiped under my eyes and cleaned it up. I binned my tissues, washed my hands, took a few more deep breaths and prepared myself to face Liam.

I opened the door and walked straight into something solid that made me bounce back into the bathroom like a tennis ball. Hands caught me before I hit the floor, and I found myself in Liam's arms.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" He asked.

"No," I was flustered again. I spent all that time calming down to just be in a state two seconds later. "I just didn't expect you to be outside the door. Jesus, you're like a brick shit house."

Liam didn't laugh. "I was worried about you."

"I'm fine," I lied.

Liam didn't look convinced. He let me go and ran a hand through his hair. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now."

Liam nodded. "I'll get you that Uber." He pulled his phone out.

That's it then. All in all, it wasn't the worst date I'd been on since Andy died. Actually, it was probably the best. Liam, at least, was a guy I was attracted to and didn't appear to be a man child. He seemed to like me, even when I cried over another man. Although I doubt Liam knew that's why I was crying. I had told him I was married before and he had died, but that was only once and a long time ago, and we hadn't discussed it again.

The tears had done their job, and a calmness came over me now. I had said goodbye to Andy, and I was ready to take that last step to move on. That was why I started to date again; to open my heart, I was ready.

I put my hand on Liam's wrist, "if you still want me to, I'd like to stay."

"Are you sure? I probably shouldn't have asked in the first place. I let my other head think for me." Though I laughed at his candid admission, Liam's face was serious. "I'm not joking. I want you, and I didn't think about how you must be feeling. The whole fake profile thing must still be weighing on your mind. And all of the other problems that go along with being with me. You should have more time to think about it."

And my dead husband, let's not forget that. I didn't say that out loud, thank God. "I will have time to think about it. But right now, I want..." Shit. I've gone shy again. Just fucking tell him you want him too! "I mean, can't we just have a bit of a cuddle and a snog?"

Liam's lips twitched as he tried to suppress a smile, "a cuddle and a snog?"

I nodded.

Smiling, Liam put his phone back in his pocket. "I think I can arrange that."

Without further warning, Liam grabbed my wrists in one hand and pinned them to the wall above my head. His other hand snaked around my waist, holding me to him, his hips rolling into mine. His eyes were fierce and focused on mine. I  closed my eyes, the sensations too much, and my breath quickened.

I heard Liam say through gritted teeth, "It's taken everything I had not to do this to you since I saw you at the bar. I wanted to take you then and there." His voice seemed to ease, the words coming easier for him. "You don't know how much I've wanted to touch you. To know you are real." Then he whispered, "and you are. Real. You're as beautiful tonight as you were in your pictures."

I opened my eyes and found Liam staring at me, and his intensity was nearly frightening. He pulled me tighter against himself, his fingertips digging into me while he crushed me against his body. I felt his hardness against my hip, and I couldn't stop myself from rubbing against it. This time Liam closed his eyes, and I felt the rush of blood to my centre.

Liam opened his eyes, desire naked on his face, "Kiss me," he said.

I met his soft and warm lips. I felt Liam's groan rumble in his vast chest, and kissing him again, my lips scraped against his whiskers. Liam kissed me back now. His tongue pushed past my lips, and found mine. His tongue playfully danced in my mouth. Liam's hand left my arse and started to feel my hips, my waist and then my breasts. He cupped them and gently squeezed. My breath caught as his hand skimmed past my nipple. His palm created friction against the lace of my bra, and tingles radiated through my body.

His lips left mine and went to my neck. He kissed and sucked at me, moving down to the top of my breasts. I heard him take a deep breath into my chest as his cheeks rubbed against my skin. His kisses became harder against my chest and moved back up to my neck, his teeth nipping at me as he went. Even though he had me captured, I wriggled against him, my hips moved uncontrollably, my breath uneven and weak.

Liam pulled away, still firmly gripping one of my hands. "Come with me." Liam led me to the lift.

"Where are we going?"

"To my bedroom." I pulled against him, forcing him to stop. "Sweetheart, I promise I won't fuck you until you ask."

My legs turned to jelly. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg despite my reservations. I nodded and followed Liam into the lift.

Part 4

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Tori Amos quotes

- Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

- I think that people who can't believe in fairies aren't worth knowing.

- I know I'm an acquired taste - I'm anchovies. And not everybody wants those hairy little things.

- Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.

- I have so many different personalities in me and I still feel lonely.

- The violence between women is unbelievable.

- I'm too wacky for most weirdos. Who am I to judge?

- If they keep crashing stuff into the moon, the moon's gonna get pissed off, and the tides'll change, and all the women'll start PMS-ing together. Then you guys are going to fucking regret it.

- If you really want a challenge, just deal with yourself.

- I don't see myself as weird, I just see myself as honest.

- I see the dream and I see the nightmare, and I believe you can't have the dream without the nightmare.

- Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much.

- Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.

- On some of my darkest days, Lucifer's the one who comes and gives me an ice cream.

- Most people would rather be sheep than stand on their own with antlers on.

- The sense of loss is such a tricky one, because we always feel like our worth is tied up into stuff that we have, not that our worth can grow with things we are willing to lose.

- When you've got the virgin and the whore sitting next to each other, they're likely to judge each other harshly.

- I think you have to know who you are.

- Get to know the monster that lives in your soul.

- Dive deep into your soul and explore it.

- I don’t want to renounce my dark side.

- The truth has always held an enormous interest for me.

- Healing for me is being able to sit next to the butcher and say 'Yes, I’m sitting next to the butcher now,' instead of saying 'there is no butcher'.

- This is very simple in the world of chicks; some are hoochies, some are not, and some should never try to be.

- We don't often see our own stories. Good artists are the ones that whisper our own stories back to us.

- Music is about all of your senses, not just hearing.

- Again, we go back to the power of words and how they can make you feel. They bring liberation or stagnation, they're chains.

- You don't have to apologize for growing and learning and changing your mind.

- Music has an alchemical quality.

- Certain relationships can just wear you down.

- Containment of your opinion is a must if you are going to nurture an artist's development.

- It's a good thing I'm curious, because sometimes I just research how a soccer player kicks a ball and the impact it has on his foot. I haven't used this yet, but I might.

- But over the years you can cultivate hate for the art you love.

- I don’t believe anyone’s story is boring. Every story has value because it belongs only to you.

- Sometimes I fantasize backstage about how people do their laundry. Woolite? Mixed-color loads? Do they fold? Do they press? Do they Shout it out? And the thing that kills me—do their whites come out dingy?

- Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change.

- We like our pain. And we’re packaging it, and we’re selling it.

- Festivals or radio shows can be the heavyweight championships of arrogantly detached clusterfucks.

- People who are addicted to power can live on the same street or attend the same school as us or even play on the world stage.

- None of us are this light and dark fantasy. What's dark to you may be light to me and vice versa.

- I don't think that many performers necessarily want to see their audience empowered. I think a lot of performers, no different from priests, need the hierarchy.

- Modern, celebrity-driven entertainment turns the stage into an altar, and so many celebrities refuse to be removed from those altars once they manage to ascend.

- All storytellers, all troubadours worth their salt knew their myths.

- The Sídh's historical myth is the source of the bastardized concept of a fairy—as if anyone gives a rat's ass.

- The problem with Christianity is, they think everything is about outside forces, good and evil. There's not a lot of inner work encouraged.

- Over the last few hours I've allowed myself to feel defeated, and just like she said if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won't be afraid of that feeling anymore.

- I'm the queen of the nerds.

- Don't give up. Don't listen to these foolish critics that are so small minded they don't get it tonight.

- Sometimes listening to music can motivate you.

- I think even in a good marriage, especially if you stay together long enough, there are going to be events that happen.

- An ounce of breast milk is even more potent than the finest tequila.

- Music is always a reflection of what's going on in the hearts and minds of the culture.

- Many people lock a part of themselves away. It's a bit sacred.

- I've always seen the songs as having a consciousness.

- Our world is a huge mess right now, and not big enough for masses of intolerant people.

- We are all fairies living underneath a leaf of a lily pad.

- That is some funky-fresh, pop lockin' shit.

- If I saw someone destroy a piano I'd fuckin' kill 'em. Wouldn't think twice.

- I experiment with things that are usually an internal experience, because that's just what excites me. And yes, it does sometimes give me visions.

- Some of those trips were eighteen hours long and I'll never forget, once I ended up sitting by the bush trying to ask the flowers why they didn't like me. It's like, Why can't I be your friend?

- You might not like my story because I'm not gonna tell you how it ends yet, and you need to travel it with me.

- I just imagined a huge juicy vagina coming out of the sky, raining blood over all those racist, misogynist fuckers.

- You can't control your popularity

- If you can't create physical life, you find a life force. If that's in music, that's in music.

- I started to find this deep, primitive rhythm, and I started to move to it.

-I held hands with sorrow, and I danced with her, and we giggled a bit

- I usually get myself into situations that cause sparks.

- I love feeling alive, I love walking out in the cold in my bare feet and feeling the ice on my toes.

- For the most part, pianos are female to me.

- Anger is natural. It's part of the force. You just have to learn to hang out with it.

- In our minds, love and lust are really separated.

- I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs

- When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch your own heart, how do you expect to touch other people?

- Guys would sleep with a bicycle if it had the right color lip gloss on. They have no shame. They're like bull elks in a field.

- Your worst enemies are made when you ignore people.

- It's as if the horses have come to take us back, to descend, to find the dark side. By dark I mean what's hidden, not necessarily satanic.

- There's room for everybody on the planet to be creative and conscious if you are your own person. If you're trying to be like somebody else, then there is isn't.

- Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be.

- You know that saying, bad things don't happen to good people? That's a lie.

- I'm not a habit, I'm a lifestyle.

- There are a lot of hidden nerds.

- People who become the front runners often used to be outcasts or loners.

- Um, don't get me wrong because I love boys, it's just that sometimes we don't need you.

- There are only ten ideas under the sun. What makes the difference is how you spice them.

- So I'm in Virginia, and I had crabs--I keep saying that! I had crab sickness, I had eaten bad crabs in Maryland!

- I'm a winter girl; I like coming out when things are desolate and everybody's ready to slit their wrists.

- You can only be you. A lot of times it's never enough for people.

- I've never played the guitar, except throwing it against the wall cause it was pissed off I couldn't play it.

- Truly, I was a sweetheart when I was little, like the Honeysuckle Faery. Sweet-pea. But sweet-peas are not popular after second grade. Sweet-peas become nerds really fast.

- I really enjoy having a giggle with a friend, but then someone crosses my line, then I don't really take it lightly.

- I sometimes forget I'm not 7'2" and a Viking.

- A boundary was crossed. And maybe I drew a boundary, consciously.

- It was a bit violent, a bit sexual.

- When nothing makes sense, music seems to come and bring me a margarita and sit down with me.

- You don't have to justify everything. Being pissed off is just absolutely okay.

- There is a level of the vampire in me, which is OK.

- It hurts me when a woman doesn't come through for me, more than a man.

- I'm a grown woman. I've earned my experiences, my scars.

- What is an angel but a ghost in drag?

- I'm beginning to accept and love the parts of me, of women that I was trained to hate all my life.

- People can be so vicious toward the imaginary world and it saddens me. You kill a lot of little people's dreams that way.

- Even if you don't read history or you aren't interested in anything that happened before the '60s, there are reasons why we think the way we do.

- That's how the story goes but I don't believe the story.

- I would find myself either the lovey-doveyest-woviest sweet pea, or a mad-woman.

- I believe in eating.

- You can't change what happened. And nobody's asking you to forgive.

- Why be afraid of these cuddly, soft, adorable things?

- I have good days. Like if I get really good coffee ice cream with just the right amount of chocolate syrup.

- A lot of people see themselves as victims, even when you have to stand in line for ice cream.

- It's so difficult to be critical of children because they need to discover themselves. We're always telling them, "No, the tree has green leaves!"

- I'm tired of being a rebel. Now I just want to be me.

- When things get really empty for me, empty in my outer life, in my inner life, the music world, the songs come across galaxies to find me.

- Do you know what it's like to be a girl and have blood running down your legs and think that you're dying, just because no one's told you that's what happens? It's horrible.

- An angel's face is tricky to wear constantly.

- Mess with me and you will not survive.

- I think that happiness is when you can let yourself feel every emotion you want at any time instead of being a lying little fuck.

- I'm not into this dieting thing.

- The cross has been used as a weapon, as it has been used against all women throughout the ages. And that's the greatest evil of all.

- I think you've got to find a giggle somewhere in stuff that would scare the poop outta ya.

- A cornflake girl is Wonderbread whereas a raisin girl is whole wheat bread.

- I would like to think I'm a raisin girl, because in my mind they're more open minded. Cornflake girls are totally self centered, don't care about anything or anybody.

- I like butter and the people who like butter."

- I'm known as that girl who has tea with the Devil.

- I'm not afraid of sadness.

- Everybody has creativity and each person has it in a different way. Some people aren't musical, some musicians can't even think about painting or gardening. There's so many different ways to be creative.

- I wanna be burned, definitely burned, like the witches.

- Give the kids tools, so they can go build their own houses; not the blueprint of what the houses should be.

- Look at me now. I'm breast feeding pigs.

- I wish I had more of a sense of humor.

- I can be so hard on people.

- If somebody's being a jerk, I would like to go wee on their head. And then I do that, mentally.

- The people on the internet know more about what I am doing than I do. Like, they will say that I am going to be in this mall on this day, and sure enough, I am there!

- I'm like a lioness who kills her own prey and no one else has to kill for her. But if some other lioness comes to me and says "I just got a good prey, do you want a piece?" I can say "of course" - and the other way around.

- There are things that I would disagree with Jesus about, and I feel really good about that.

- History has recorded some pretty nasty things that have happened to people. I think we remember. I think it's in our cells and I think it can still hurt sometimes."

- I don't believe in the saying that it all happens for the best, it's just not appropriate.

- Of course I believe in past lives, I mean, three quarters of the human race believes this, it's not like a great new thought here.

- I use innocence in my demeanor like a Venus flytrap.

- I do like to talk about things no one wants to hear at the dinner table.

- I'm not interested in being a really nice person; I want to be a creative, responsible person that's balanced.

- Boys are cute but food is cuter

- Do any of you dream about crocodiles?

-I know I dream about crocodiles. I'm obsessed with them.

- If people can't see things from the other side that's not my problem, it's theirs.

- I think I give equal time in my hatred, right?

- Sometimes I'm mad at some guy, sometimes I'm mad at some girl, and sometimes I'm totally loving some guy, so and sometimes I'm loving some girl.

_ Well, Pele is the volcano goddess and I thought of like, um, sacrificing some of the boys in my life to her but then I decided that that wasn't really a very good idea.

- Anger originates from envy and outrage, not being seen, not being heard.

- We don't know where souls go when they die. We don't know a lot of things. We didn't create the planets. We didn't do this all by ourselves. So, therefore, why wouldn't there be a creative force if it can create humans and planets?

- I've been hanging out with some of the Hell's Angels in England. They're some of the sweetest people I've ever met.

- Real friends have to be understanding of each other, and their faults.

- I think I'm really hard to get to know on a personal level.

- Thailand is calling me.

- People I see laughing all the time, check for razor blades in their anal-force underwear, because it's just a little lie.

- I'm not interested in taking drugs. I do hallucinogens once in a while for journey experiences.

- I hear the wine. It's like a structure. I see it as a piece. I hear it before I taste it. It's calling me. And then I start to hear it when I'm tasting it.

- Not that I use crystal suppositories, I'm not New Age.

- A peach tree says, 'Some of me will be juicy and some of me will be dry I'm not growing for you; I grow because that's what I do.' You always hear some person complain about how dry their peach is and the peach says, 'It's not our fault you have no understanding on the proper use for dry peaches.'

- My theory is that women were the Mona Lisas for a long time and now men are Mona Lisas with little goatees. They are our muses.

- If you're gonna tell a story, you have to grow into the head of the rapist as well as the raped.

- He was a lite sneeze, and not the flu. Most boys would like to think they're the flu, wouldn't they? But they're really just a achoo.

- If you call me an airy-fairy new age hippy waif, I will cut your penis off.

- It's a double-edged sword and if you pretend you don't want it you're a liar and that is going to rip your soul to pieces.

- I'm always dreaming that these bulls are chasing me. Half the time I don't get away - I almost get over the fence, and then they gore me.

- I believe in energy, everything is energy. And therefore sometimes magic can be created if somebody is open to letting energy do what it does, instead of being so cynical, that you miss magic happening.

- I feel like a work really has many sides to it when people have such extreme reactions. When a work is greeted with just, 'Oh, you know, it's nice', then it's not affecting people. So love it or hate it, that's okay.

- I am a real believer in looking at pain and taking it out shopping.

- The music is the magic carpet that other things take naps on.

- I just try to strip myself, peel myself like an onion. At different layers I discover stuff.

- Why is the world where it is? It's so deep-rooted, if we really start looking, and we might not like what we find. But I think we have to, we have to ask the questions.

- I'm beyond the fury of youth.

- I love young women who are angry. They're wild mustangs.

- I didn't want her looking and hearing me and thinking, "Oh my God, that's a scary lady!"

- They felt that it was detrimental material for their children and that it was blasphemous.

- They've decided they kinda' have you figured out.

- My nightmares are so bad, that I mostly reject it when my friends want to take me to a cinema to watch a horror movie. Then I say, "No, thank you. I will dream in a few hours."

- I don't know of anybody who's gonna be fulfilled if they get hit by a bus. You have to surrender to that eternal need to be fulfilled.

- How do you know I'm not having a margarita with Jesus tonight at 10 o'clock?

- Let's be honest, religion has not supported women and men exploring all sorts of their sides, their unconscious. It has not been supportive of, you know, go into the places without shame, without blame, without judgment, and just let yourself really see what's cooking in there.

- I think human beings are so much more capable of what they told us we're capable of.

- Anyone can attend yoga, kabbalah classes, church, lectures by the 'Dalai Lama', yada, yada, yada - but can you be present for your life, and live with the way you treat other people?

- Only a few people should have a "greatest hits". I'm not one of those people.

- I feel like our leaders have hijacked America's personality, and taken her to personality plastic surgery school. And they decided this is who she is.

- The playground is the biggest war-zone in the world.

- You have to read visionaries to have visions.

- They squash the baby bird because their bird got squashed.

- I love reading. I'll read the first sentence and if it makes sense to me I pick it up.

- It's ridiculous saying there's only one true faith, it's like saying there's only one map to get you up the mountain. I want to see those other maps, man.

- I kinda have all the aspects of my personality round one table for spaghetti.

- If it's too loud, turn it up.

- I was doing drugs with a South American shaman, and I really did visit the devil and, well, I had a journey.

- There is no passion without broken crockery.

- You have to ask, how could a nation nearly vote in somebody who isn't qualified for the job?

- We're living in a frightening time and I wish people would wake up and realise they're surrendering their civil liberties.

- Who wouldn't want to shag a queen?

[muwi-translates]

Collar x Malice Short Story: Inside the Box

Christmas Shiraishi-centric short story.

HEAVY SPOILERS. Only read this AFTER you have finished the first game.

**Please don’t move this translation or claim it as your own.**

Generally speaking, the thing called ‘Memories’ is not clear.

Unlike memory as information, it has no fixed form. Its content can depend on the person.

Sometimes sad memories turn into hatred, and happy memories sometimes turn into delusions.

The human brain can't be trusted. It can automatically rewrite itself for its own benefit.

I, who did not require ‘Memories’ —— surely it is the same for Shiraishi Kageyuki the human.

◇ ◇ ◇

This was when I lived in the ‘Facility’.

Every day, every minute and every second, I lived like a machine.

For me, who knew how to suppress pain and happiness as soon as I understood how, all I had was ‘Curiosity’.

The vast amount of knowledge grew with each passing day. Memories of the outside world were written in letters. Like events of a distant world, even the difficult to read special books were simply ‘Unknown Stories’ to me.

I thought that my desire to know things defined my personality. However, when I think about it now, it may have been a desire planted in me as part of my training. Training to become a perfect doll.

"Christmas. The festival celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, coming from the word "Christ mass", it takes the form of many activities in Japan—...”

Inputting information was simple. However, I was also trained how to ‘Use Memory’. If a huge amount of information stayed on the surface of the brain, it will become confused, so if it is not necessary, there was no need to take out the memory sealed in the deeper layers.

(Gifts are put under a tree, and you gather with your family around the dinner table…)

Perhaps this information will also be stored in a box that is rarely retrieved from.

Of course I knew the basics, it was only carefully investigated because it was related to other information.

(Giving love to each other...for what...?)

The outside world is full of as many far-fetched, mysterious customs as mountains. If you had questions about everything, it would only make the processing slower. But this time, I was not sure why I was so interested in this subject.

"Are you interested in Christmas?"

——Suddenly hearing a sound coming from behind, my shoulders moved unconsciously.

Points are deducted if you are seen reacting. I immediately pretended to be calm and looked back, only to see an unfamiliar face.

“Your hand, it’s been paused on this page for a while now.” 

What peered at me was a pair of eyes full of serenity, transparent no matter where you looked — like glass balls.

"No, I'm very sorry. I memorised it without any problems."

"I’m not blaming you for anything. I know you have good scores here."

He was a high-ranking person who has inspected this ‘Facility’ many times. 

But his appearance did not match his position, with his youthful face. He appeared to be younger than me.

I remembered his name, because it was necessary for me to do so.  —Mikuni Rei. He was a human who worked with those who ‘control’ us.

“I’m interested why you, someone that’s like a precision machine, showed interest in ‘that’, that’s all.”

"I didn't become interested... I just had questions."

"Like?"

“......”

What was the meaning of his response? Was I being tested, or was he being whimsical? Either way, I had no right to not reply.

"Why do humans, who aren’t related to that religion, choose to give each other love on that day? What for?”

"...I think there are many other things similar to it but..."

"Yes. But... after reading this information, I think for the average person, this part seems to be more special than others."

As I finished speaking, he— Mikuni Rei’s eyes became slightly dim for some reason. Careful observation of the facial expression can lead to an answer.

【Pity】

A boy in the ruling class felt compassion for a stray cat trapped in a box.

A sense of superiority, a desire for control, and empathy. There were many times where I wanted to give it a name, but it was difficult to understand because I was immature.

"Human feelings... cannot be explained by theory alone. If you feel special, it must be because it touches your heart.... If the other person is the object of your envy and admiration, they are not bound by rights or wrongs."

Thoughts continued to sound as the words continued.

If ‘we’ have feelings for a particular thing, in his viewpoint, it is not a good thing. However, he agreed.

“Why do you treat me like a human?”

“Eh?”

Asking questions is normally prohibited. But now my curiosity had prevailed. This was a serious error. There should be no more curiosity beyond the rules.

"You said these things about a pawn, things impossible to explain with theory."

"...You are right. I don't know why. It's just..."

 After speaking, his bewildered gaze stayed on me, and then he spoke unwaveringly.

 "Number 14. I... don't want you to be unhappy."

...At that time, he smiled.

But what kind of smile it was— I can’t remember.

Pitiful? Loathing? Hateful? Kindly? 

I don’t remember. I can't remember.

Because it's stored in a box that can't be taken out, deep and deep inside.

◇ ◇ ◇

In my dream, someone is calling my name.

 “————Shiraishi-san.”

Did I always have this human-sounding name? I want to lie and tell myself that this is true.

But it's impossible. Even my name, which was supposed to be just a code, has become so dear to me.

“Oi, Okazaki! There’s no room for you here for dinner!”

"How mean. But it's okay, I'll eat some from Mineo-san’s.”

“It’s NOT okay! No one told you to come!”

“I’m sorry, Enomoto. ...I was the one who called Okazaki here today.”

“Geh! Yanagi-senpai?! When did you fall this guy’s wily ways—!?”

"His voice was so loud we heard it from inside, obviously he’ll attract attention. Yanagi-san probably didn’t want to disturb the neighbors."

“Yanagi-san let me in when I kept saying ‘I’m so cold… I’m so lonely…’, fufu, he’s so nice.”

“So you just left Yoshinari outside? Talk about pitiful…”

“I'll bring him a souvenir later. It's food that Yanagi-san and Ichika-chan made together. It'll definitely be delicious."

“I don’t know if it’ll suit your tastes but… Ah, but Yanagi-san’s food, I promise it’ll move you! It’s definitely not inferior to food you’ll find at high-end restaurants.”

"Why does the stupid cat look so proud?"

"It looks good thanks to Hoshino being particular about the arrangement."

“Yanagi-senpai…! I’m getting a little jealous watching you two compliment each other, please stop it!!”

Ah, so noisy. Completely unproductive dialogue. There’s no calculation and no falsity, the boring everyday that I like.

When did I get used to this warmth and treat it as part of my everyday?

While I was thinking in a daze, Ichika-chan reached out to me.

“Shiraishi-san, come here. The party has already begun."

——Party?  ……Is that so? Has it started?

"These were all made with everything we had. Let's have a good meal today."

 ——Fufu, as usual, Yanagi-san takes care of others like this.

“......Though I really don’t understand what’s so good about a bunch of us adults coming together.”

 ——Although that was what Sasazuka said, he also stayed behind to join in.

"Hey, don't stand there in a daze! You’re the protagonist today!"

 ——Hm? Did Enomoto-kun just call me ‘you’?

“I heard Ichika-chan is giving you a present, right?” 

——Even Okazaki is here… Fufu, he must have come in by force.

"Yes. It’s a wonderful gift I prepared with everyone."

I took a box from Ichika-chan who was smiling as she spoke.

I felt strange rather than happy. I was looking right at Ichika-chan, instead of looking down.

Yanagi-kun patted my head, and it also seemed to feel very big. No, maybe it's because I have shrunk.

Thin limbs, short hair. I am the same age as when I talked to ‘Him’ about Christmas.

(Ah. Is this… a dream?)

It seems I dream too much at Christmas.

"But Ichika-chan. I haven't prepared a gift."

"No, Shiraishi-san. We’re...returning you what you gave us."

“...? What I gave you?”

 "Yes. You gave us… a lot. It's only natural that we want to return the favour."

“I see… so this is what it means… to exchange gifts…”

"Yes. We want to share it, because we cherish each other. Please open it, and take a look."

“Okay.”

I slowly opened the box, and inside was——、

 ◇ ◇ ◇

When I opened my eyes, I saw a familiar scenery.

This was their base, called the ‘Detective Agency’. It also became a place I could feel comfortable as well. 

“Ah, Shiraishi-san, you’re awake?”

A pair of eyes I seem to always see somewhere, someplace, were looking at me. Crystal clear—like glass balls. 

“Ichika-chan…? Ah, huh? Where’s... the present box…?” 

"? Fufu, it's rare to see you half-awake. If you sleep in a place like this, you’ll catch a cold. Are you going to the office to stay overnight?"

I realized the reality as my consciousness gradually returned from my awakening. 

That’s right. The collar—in order to protect herself from those who had declared to ‘pick her up’, she had taken refuge here with her brother.

The deadline announced by Adonis was approaching soon. In order to make her forget this fact temporarily, I had been talking to them about Christmas. When I thought about the gift she gave—and the only gift I could make, I fell asleep.

(Truly... the ‘Heart’ is so difficult to understand. I… must have been scared to have a dream like that.)

 —Everything will end soon.

That smile of his I had gently stored away was blacked out. 

The contents of the boxes I had received from her and everyone had been badly damaged and dirtied.

But I decided not to regret it, even if I was scared or in pain.

Because I got the most precious gift in the world.

"Ichika-chan...Thank you."

"Eh?"

"You taught me my first Christmas, right? So, thank you."

"What are you talking about? The real fun starts from now on."

"...Fufu, yeah."

In a few days, we won’t be able to greet Christmas as we promised. Regardless of what happens, it will only make you sad.

Even if I understand that, I want to see it. I don't want to give up. I want to make my wish come true.

 This is certainly not a sad story.

I, who had received such a present, could not be unhappy. 

Even if I get it dirty with my own hands, this warmth will not disappear.

There’s no reasoning. It’s because I’m human. ...Because I am special.

A shining, sparkling gift for me, who was supposed to be called Number 14.

An opened box filled to the brim with tender memories.

[alexhogh7137]

The Battle Between Love and Fire-

Ivar the Boneless × Reader

Chapter Twenty-Five: Only Ours

Chapter Twenty-Four

Word Count 3.7k

Warnings: slight angst, lots of fluff

When you woke up, Ivar was still fast asleep. You were still laying on his chest, as if you haven't moved all night long. His hand rests on your lower back and his other arm is resting on his chest, with his hand intertwined with yours. You smile from ear to ear because this feeling is the best feeling in the entire world to you. Just being in your husband's arms, no distractions, just you and him. You start to outline his tattoos with your finger tip. His skin is so soft yet rough. His tattoos are engraved in his chest in such a way that they are almost scar like but aren't. His nose and mouth start to wiggle and his eyes start to flutter. You take this moment to kiss his chest all of the way up to his lips. When you reach his lips, you linger there for a moment. And by a moment, I mean that you stayed there until he completely woke up. He feels your lips on his own and smiles at the feeling. He grabs the back of your head to push you more into him, to which you chuckle. You are completely obsessed with him and you get the feeling that he is obsessed with you as well. He sighs in your mouth when you leave him wanting more. 

Ivar "What did I do to deserve that, princess?"

"Mm I don't know. Just felt like kissing my handsome husband."

Ivar chuckles, "Well I am glad that my goddess of a wife kissed me." He leans in once more, capturing you in a loving kiss. When he pulls back, he takes in your features with a smile. He rubs your cheek with his thumb while you look deep into his eyes. 

Ivar "So beautiful." He whispers.

"Thank you, my love. As are you."

Ivar "Mmm you are way more beautiful than me, my sweet."

"I do not think so. Especially not right now."

Ivar scowls, "Why do you say that?"

"You know why, Ivar."

Ivar "No I do not. Because to me, I see perfection." You sigh loudly and get out of bed. Your body is exposed to him and he takes you in. 

"How is this beautiful?" He pointed out all of your scars and battle wounds. 

Ivar "You are Y/n. Absolutely perfect. Your scars are beautiful, not ugly nor are they something to be ashamed of."

"I am. Only because every time I look into the mirror, I see what I do not wish to see. It is like a constant reminder of my days of torment."

Ivar sits up and gives you his hands for you to take, which you do.

Ivar "I know, sweetheart. I know that you feel this way now but as time goes on, you will feel better. I promise."

"What of our daughter? She is going to see all of my-"

Ivar "Yes she will. But she is going to see courage and strength..power not failure. She is going to see how strong her mother is and realize all that you have endured to be here today."

"I hope that you are right."

Ivar "I am sweetheart. Please do not be sad. I hate to see you sad. You did not wake up this way."

"I know...It is just..when you called me a goddess I thought of these," you point to the scars on your chest, "and felt ashamed."

Ivar "Oh Y/n..they are not to be ashamed of. Allow them to make you feel strong, not ashamed. Because that is what you are, you are so strong."

"I love you Ivar."

Ivar "And I love you. Now, let me see that beautiful smile of yours huh?" You genuinely smile when he asks because he is being such a sweetheart.  His eyes form heart eyes when you do and he cups your face, kisses your forehead and then your lips.

Ivar "Okay. If you do not get dressed right now, I do not know how much longer I will be able to contain myself…"

You chuckle, "I am sorry, my king."

"No, do not apologize for being beautiful. I just know that you are not ready for anything of that nature yet, my sweet."

"I know what you meant. I love you so much." You kiss him and then walk away to put on a loose dress. Ivar gets dressed as well and waits for you to be finished. When you walk out, like always he has a grin on his face. He offers you his arm and you take it immediately. 

Ivar "You remember our plans for the day, yes?"

"Oh yes. I am very excited. What time should we leave?"

Ivar "Not right away. We can eat and relax before we go out for the day. I do not want today to be a rush."

"Sounds wonderful."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you walk out, just like every morning, Ubbe and Torvi walk over to you and give you a big hug. It never gets old: feeling their love and acceptance of you. 

Torvi "You look so happy this morning! What is the occasion?"

"Oh, Ivar and I are planning on spending the day outdoors today!" 

Ubbe "Oh really?"

Ivar "Yes, I feel like it will be good for the both of us to just get some air." 

Torvi "I think that sounds lovely."

"So do I. I am looking forward to it."

Ubbe "And when are you coming back?"

Ivar "When we feel like it, Ubbe. We will also be taking the dragon's."

Ubbe "Oh that is good!"

"Yes! They will be close above while we ride on the ground."

Torvi "Will you be taking some guardsmen?"

Ivar "ehh I'm not sure about that. We would like it to be just us, you understand."

Torvi "Oh I do. Come..let's eat together before you two set out." She takes your hand and walks you to the table where you sit next to her and wait for the maiden's to come out with your food. 

"Why hasn't Hvitserk come out of his chamber's yet? Isn't he always the first to come out?"

Torvi "Yes, I do not know. Perhaps he just needed to sleep in." You slowly nod.

…

Ivar "Do you think that I am being a fool, Ubbe...hmm?"

Ubbe "No not at all. It was just a shock, giving the circumstances that we are all in."

Ivar "I recall that we are the one's attacking Wessex...not the other way around."

Ubbe "That is true. But we do not know what her father is planning, Ivar. I just want us all to stay safe and together, that is all."

Ivar "I understand that Ubbe, and I want the same as you. But Y/n needs the break from reality right now. You do not know how she is feeling brother. I do."

Ubbe "Then tell me. I am here for the both of you Ivar. You are my brother and that makes Y/n my sister-in-law. I care about her a great deal." Ivar sighs and takes a deep breath. He gestures for Ubbe to come and follow him to his chamber's. Once the door is closed, Ivar explains to him of you and his morning.

Ivar "I mean she was so happy and then it was like a switch went off in her mind and she...she felt so sad so quickly."

Ubbe "We all knew that this event would change her.."

Ivar "I wish that it did not happen at all Ubbe."

Ubbe "As do I."

Ivar "And now..she hates herself Ubbe. Like is completely ashamed of her own skin."

Ubbe "Because..?"

Ivar "Of her scars. Harald scared her up pretty well."

Ubbe "That bastard!" He shouted. 

Ivar "We should have killed him a long time brother. If we had, none of this would have happened."

Ubbe "As much as I agree about King Harald, I do fear that her father would have retaliated in the near future. He is a terrible person and an even worse father. So yes, King Harald's actions would have been prevented, her father's actions would have not."

Ivar agrees, "I do not understand what his problem is with his only daughter. She is so special...so gentle and kind. Why does he treat her so horribly?"

Ubbe "Because he fears her."

Ivar "What do you mean?"

Ubbe "He fears her retaliation, Ivar. She is the one with the dragon's. She is the one that is married to a viking king..with viking brother's. He knows our history, our families history."

Ivar "Yes but that is not an excuse for her childhood."

Ubbe "That is true. I did not know her back then. Neither of us did. So I cannot say why he treated her in such a way that left her so scared."

Ivar "Me neither. Let's just go join our wives, hmm? I am sure that they are wondering where we have gone."

Ubbe "Hey…" he stops Ivar in his tracks, "thank you for telling me. I hope that I helped in some way."

Ivar softly smiles, "You did Ubbe. Your opinion always matters to me, you know that." Ubbe nods and lets Ivar walk out the door. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Ivar joins the table, you all get to eat together. It was so lovely. The only person that was missing was Hvitserk. You wonder why he has not left his chambers but you try to focus on your meal and the family around you then worry. ��

Ivar "Are you ready, my sweet?"

"Mm yes. Let's go get our fur and then we can go." When you and Ivar are all ready to go, the last thing to do is get your dragons. Ivar opens the door at the same time that Hvitserk does. When Hvitserk comes out of his chambers, he looks absolutely exhausted. 

"Hvitserk?" He looks down at you and forces a smile. 

Hvitserk "Oh good morning, princess."

Ivar "It is midday, Hvitserk."

Hvitserk "Is it really?"

You nod, "You missed breakfast. Are you alright?"

Hvitserk "Fine..just fine. Where are you two off to?"

Ivar "I am taking Y/n for a ride today. Get some air."

Hvitserk "Oh alright. Stay safe, yes?"

Ivar "Yes of course. Come on, my love. The day awaits." He takes your hand and walks you both outside. You can't get the sight of Hvitserk's state out of your head. His eyes were blackened from the lack of sleep, his breath smelled of ale and his clothes were wrinkled. Ivar could tell that you were a little out of it once you both reached your dragon's, so he stopped and looked at you. 

"What?"

Ivar "I know you, sweetheart. Sometimes more than you do."

"I-I am sorry. But how can I not be worried?"

Ivar "He gets this way sometimes Y/n. We all have our bad days...our own demons. He just struggled last night with his own. He will be alright."

"Okay."

Ivar "Look at them," he turns your face so that you look at your babies, "look how happy they are to see you. They don't wish for you to worry."

"I am no longer. Come on, let's go get the horse." You walk over to retrieve Ivar's horse and carriage. Ivar watches you get his black horse and looks up at Ryuu, who is sniffing his being.

Ivar chuckles, "Hey boy," he pats his snout, "you excited to fly today, hmm?" Ryuu squeaks and starts to ready his wings for the trip. Ivar loves your dragons just as much as you do and it shows. You watch your husband in awe. You stop the horse and wait for Ivar to notice you. 

"Are you ready, my king?" He looks up at you, sitting in his carriage. 

Ivar "Oh I am, my sweetheart," he says, slowly joining you. "I know of a beautiful place to take you." Once Ivar commands the horse to go, all you have to do is look at your dragons and they know what to do. They shake the ground around them when they leap off of the ground. Their bodies are so strong and powerful. You still feel like it is a long dream that you are in, having your dragons and Ivar by your side. It feels like a wonderful dream but in fact it is real. 

…

When Ubbe sees his brother in such a state, he knows that something is terribly wrong. Hvitserk has not been this hungover since he lost Thora. So as his brother, he pulled Hvitserk to the side to have a chat.

Hvitserk "Get off of me!" He tries to yank his arm out of Ubbe's grasp but it is no use. 

Ubbe "Stop fighting me, brother!" He forces Hvitserk onto his bed so that he can speak to him privately. 

Ubbe "Now, are you going to tell me what happened last night?"

Hvitserk "You wouldn't understand."

Ubbe "Oh I wouldn't?" Hvitserk looks up at him, knowing that he was being sarcastic. 

Hvitserk sighs, "Its Y/n."

Ubbe "What of her?"

Hvitserk "I had a vision. Ivar beat her, Ubbe."

Ubbe "Do you know why?"

Hvitserk "No..that was unclear to me. In the vision, she just came running to me..screaming that Ivar hit her."

Ubbe sits down next to him and sighs, "How far away is this?"

Hvitserk "She was heavily pregnant. So we have a while before it happens."

Ubbe "It's not going to happen, brother. Sometimes visions do not come true. Sometimes they are just your mind playing tricks on you. And last night, you were worried about her because Ivar was drunk, am I right?"

Hvitserk "Yes."

Ubbe "So that means that you were already fearing that Ivar might do something that he would not recollect in the morning, right?"

Hvitserk slowly nods, "Yes.."

Ubbe "So do not worry Hvitserk. I do not think that this vision was sent from the gods."

Hvitserk "And if you are wrong?"

Ubbe "Well we will deal with that if it happens. But do not fret, Hvitserk. Ivar and her are fine..more than that."

Hvitserk "Yes.." Ubbe grabs the back of his brother's head and rests his forehead on his.

Ubbe "Do not worry, dear brother. Things are fine. And once this battle is won, we will all live a stress free life, hmm? Your daughter will be born, healthy and beautiful. You and Y/n will raise her to be a strong shield maiden, yes?"

Hvitserk smiles, "Yes."

Ubbe "Good."

Hvitserk "Thank you, Ubbe."

Ubbe "Of course. Now, get yourself cleaned up and go get some food in you." Hvitserk agrees. His brother is right, he just needs to stop worrying so much. And just be grateful for the here and now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You lean on his shoulder, taking in the scenery around you. The world is white from the snowfall that came over Kattegat as you all slept. The tree branches are sagging from the inch of snow that is on them. Your dragons are flying high above you. The sound of their wings flapping in the wind, is like music to your ears. Ivar looks down at your face on his shoulder and kisses your nose abruptly. Snapping you out of your little trance. 

Ivar "Your little nose is red from the cold, princess."

"Is it really?" You touch your nose and feel its cold skin on your fingertips. 

Ivar chuckles, "You are too much." 

"I am?"

Ivar "Yes! You are too adorable for me sometimes. I mean how can I focus on controlling the horse while you are resting on my shoulder, huh?!" You blush and lean into his side. 

"Hmm. I really needed this, Ivar."

Ivar "So did I, my love. We really needed this time together."

"Yes we did. Y'know while I was in that dungeon, I kept thinking of you. And hoping that that wasn't going to be the last time I saw you." 

Ivar "Oh sweetheart.."

"It is the truth. I never gave up hope that you would find me. I only feared that it would have been a little too late."

Ivar "But I was not late. And I have you back." He leans down and kisses your lips quickly before tending his attention back to the horse. 

"I know. I thank the gods everyday for you and for this life that you gave me."

Ivar "I only give you what you truly deserve, my sweetheart. You deserve love and happiness, not hate and torture. So yes, when I saw you in my dream...before we met...I knew that you were my person. The gods showed me you for a reason and that reason was clear the moment you walked through my door."

"Oh Ivar, I love you so much."

Ivar "And I love you Y/n. We are almost there.."

"And where is 'there'?"

Ivar "You will see."  He focused on the horse and his pace, while you relaxed and focused on your babies above you and the world around you. The crunch of the snow below the wheels of the carriage and the hooves of the horse. It is so peaceful, a peace that you needed today. More than you knew, you think to yourself. It is a crazy feeling, peace. When all you know is chaos, it is nice to feel peace and serenity for a change. And to feel this sense with your husband, is an even greater bliss. Out of nowhere, Ivar stops the horse and looks down at you.

Ivar "Close your eyes, princess."

You snicker, "really?"

Ivar "Mhmm. Now close them." Once you do, he kisses your lips softly and then the horse starts pulling you two again. 

"Why are my eyes closed?"

Ivar "Because I want this spot to be special..I want you to see its beauty all at once. So keep 'em closed." You roll your eyes even though they are closed. Ivar is such a romantic and it gets so cheesy sometimes but you still love it. The horse pulls a bit further and then stops completely. You can hear Ivar let go of the leash and his leg braces flex as he turns to face you. 

Ivar "Okay my love, open them." When you do, you see the beauty that he was talking about: there is a massive waterfall with a great lake, the snow is undisturbed and the water is the bluest of the blues. You look at Ivar with your mouth ajar and your eyes sparkling. His smile forms so big when he sees your reaction. 

"Ivar...this is.."

Ivar "I know. I wanted to make this place our secret getaway. No one knows about this place but you and me. It was only known to me before today. And now...this is our place."

"Only ours?"

Ivar "Only ours. No one knows of its beauty. This place is hidden quite well. I remember when I first stumbled upon it, I swore to myself that I would take my wife here one day." You and Ivar get out of the carriage and start to walk. 

"I can't believe this.."

Ivar "Believe it, my sweet. And get used to it," he takes your hand in his and looks at you, "I want you to know that whenever you are feeling down, sad or angry..this can be your getaway. It has been mine for many years. And I want to share it with my love."

"Thank you Ivar. This is truly a gift."

Ivar "It truly is a gift from the gods. And you are a blessing that the gods have given to me, so what more could I do then to share this beautiful place?"

"You have given me so much Ivar."

Ivar "It does not feel that way to me, Y/n. I feel like lately, I haven't been a good husband to you..saying things that I shouldn't say."

"Ivar.."

Ivar "No please let me finish. I know that I am not perfect. I am far from it. I am a cripple. I have my bad days and my good days. Some days, all I feel is anger and hatred towards everyone. But when I realize what I do to people and how I treat them, I feel horrible. I have come to realize that these past few days, I haven't been the nicest king nor the nicest husband. So I wanted to take you here and make you a promise." Tears start to form in your eyes, "I promise to always love you and care for you..and our daughter. But if I ever start to break this promise, I will let you go. Because all you deserve is love. You have been through enough and I do not wish to add to your torment. So please know that I will do my hardest to love you and make you happy. But do know that I can't promise you that I will not have my bad days."

"Ivar..you are an amazing husband. And you are going to be an even better father to this little girl. I know that you can have your bad days, we all do. That makes us human. Our emotions fluctuate throughout the days, weeks, months…"

Ivar "I know, sweetheart. But I did things in the past while I was angry that I regret today. I do not wish for you to be one of those regrets. That is why I am promising to you that if I ever start to get...how I used to be..that I will let you go."

"I'm never letting you go Ivar. So you do not have to promise me that, do you hear me?"

Ivar chuckles, "Yes ma'am." 

"Can you promise me something else though?"

Ivar "Anything."

"Never let me go." His eyes formed tears then. He slowly nods and then cups your cheeks and kisses you passionately. When you both pull back, you both are breathless.

Ivar "I promise." You smile and kiss him again. You stop when your dragons finally land on the ground near you two. Ivar chuckles, "Such magnificent creatures."

"Aren't they?" You watch them take drinks from the lake. Ivar takes your hand and walks you towards the waterfall where you both sit down. Ivar groans as his legs hit the snow. 

"Thank you for taking me here Ivar."

Ivar "It is my pleasure, princess."

"Love you forever.."

Ivar "Forever."

@hvitserkmarcosource @a-mess-of-fandoms @ivarsgoddess @youbloodymadgenius @jzr201 @conaionaru @herestherealproblem @saldelys @heavenly1927 @ivarzeitgeist @motherofkattegat @readsalot73

[stanbillyhargrove]

Ghosts chp 20

Ally's Story

T/W: sexual assault, eating disorder

Ally's story is NOT nice, it's based off Cat's story from Demons but without the support system that Cat had

Katrina's POV

Ally was perched on the end of my bed, watching as I changed the bandages on my stomach. I taped sterile white gauze to my skin and eased myself back onto the bed with a groan.

"You've been hanging around a lot," I mumbled.

"Do you not want me here? I can leave."

"No! Wait, stay. Please, I like the company. I just mean, I hadn't seen you in a long time."

"When he's around we can't get close to you," she explained, "he keeps us away. But he's weak right now."

She sat back against the wall with a sigh, eyeing me after catching me staring at her, "what?"

"What's your story, Ally? What happened to you?"

She held her arms up so I could see the two long cuts that ran down her forearms, "isn't it obvious?"

"That's not your story, not all of it."

She dropped her arms into her lap, "you don't have to pretend to care. I'm already dead."

I stretched my hand across the bed, reaching for her, "I do care."

Her eyes were teary when she met my gaze, her jaw tight, but she still moved closer to take my hand.

--

"Mommy, Daddy's home," I announced.

She shook her head, "no, sweetie, he's not off work for a couple hours."

But then, a few minutes later, he walked through the door. Sent home early because of the blizzard sweeping through town. My mother brushed it off, saying I must have seen his car even though I was playing nowhere near the windows at the time.

That feeling, that sense of knowing, it never went away. As I got older, I realized it wasn't normal to know when someone was getting close. It wasn't normal to turn around and yell out your friends names when they were trying to sneak up on you. I started losing friends fast, nobody wanted to be associated with the outcast. The chubby cheeked weirdo that gave everyone the heebie jeebies.

I was twelve when the bullying shifted from my weirdness to my weight. The rest of my classmates had shed their baby fat and were lean where I still had a layer of pudge. That's when everything started to turn for the worst. Boys who knew I was crushing on them would sneer and laugh to their friends when I passed them. They'd pretend to like me outside of school just to turn around and shun me once in a group of classmates. Girls looked down on me, snickered when they saw me eating lunch.

Comments started coming from my family through the years too. Things like, 'haven't you eaten enough?' 'You know, everything you put on has to come off.' 'A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.' And, 'do you think you need seconds?'

My mom too, liked to tell me how little she weighed as a teenager. Joked about how her and her friends would compare thigh gaps like it was no big deal. She complained about how much she weighed now that she'd had me even though she still looked like she could be whisked away by a strong breeze. She thought she was helping by telling me maybe I'd have more friends, maybe boys would like me if I lost some weight.

At fifteen I found a website filled with pages and pages of wispy girls who's bones stuck through their skin. Girls who bragged that they had to wear children's clothes because nothing else fit, bragged about the amount of exercise they'd done that day. They shared tips and tricks to curb your hunger, told you if you followed all the rules you too could be beautiful, weightless, like them.

By sixteen, I was one of them. Comparing each days food and exercise with a group of people like me. I finally found my people, my sisters, the ethereal Wintergirls. I fed exclusively off people's compliments and they loved to tell me how much better I looked now. My mom praised my hard work, indulged my diet coke addiction. She was proud to have created a Wintergirl in her image.

Nobody in those groups liked to talk about the negatives. They didn't warn me that becoming one of them wouldn't be glamorous. That it meant constantly freezing, that your body starts growing more hair to keep you warm, that the hair on your head will get thin and lifeless, your nails turn blue and even a light brush will leave bruises on your skin. They didn't tell me that no matter what goals you hit, there would always be another. I wasn't prepared for my life to become consumed by numbers. How many sit ups, how many inches, tracking weight down in a notebook and sobbing if was more than last time. They didn't mention that I'd still hate myself no matter what.

I started swallowing handfuls of pills, secretly hoping that this time it would be enough to poison my liver. I want to go to sleep and not wake up, but I don't know that I want to die. I want to be normal, to eat and not hate myself, but that's not who I am anymore.

I kept waking up, forced to struggle through another day. Started drowning myself in alcohol every night and on the weekends, trying to find something to make me feel again. Some of the more popular girls started talking to me, asking for the secret on how to look as good as I do now, inviting me to parties hoping to get me to spill. I went to the parties but not to spill my secrets. I went for the free alcohol and eventually the drugs that the boys brought.

I had found my usual party group, the people who carried baggies of various things in their pockets. Accepted a baggie from a baby faced jock who smiled when he passed it to me.

"It'll be fun," he whispered in my ear, "trust me."

I looked at the pills for a moment before tossing them into my mouth and taking a swig of my drink to swallow them down.

"Good girl," he praised.

He didn't leave my side, didn't let me leave his sight. He was always there with an arm around me even though I didn't know him. Tempting me with tinted eyes.

This doesn't feel right.

I should have known better.

After a while, I started to feel weird. My limbs felt too heavy to move and I thought I was going to pass out. I leaned heavy into the boys side, not trusting my legs to keep me up anymore.

"It just hit you, didn't it?" He asked, holding me up.

My tongue felt too thick to move, to protest, when he picked me up. Threw me over his broad shoulder and took me back to his house.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you," he soothed.

I struggled to cry out, to push his hands away but he was so much bigger than me, had layers of muscle where I had only bone. His hands were too rough when he grabbed, when he held my wrists in one hand and undressed me with the other.

I tried again to move my legs, to fight him, but nothing worked.

"Relax," he murmured, "I'll make you feel good."

The room faded in and out through eyes blurry with tears. I could feel him. Everywhere. Every inch of me consumed by his warmth. The moments where I could almost grasp clarity were filled with pain.

He wiped a tear from my cheek, his touch tender now when he whispered, "I know you're into it...God, you feel so good."

I didn't wake up again until sometime in the morning. The sun had barely kissed the sky, just enough that the room I was in wasn't pitch black anymore. Just enough light to see that the sheets I was wrapped in were blue, not white. Just enough light to know I didn't know where I was. It took me a moment to realize there was someone else in the bed with me, a large arm wrapped loose around my waist. Tanned skin tight around broad shoulders that I might have felt safe in before. I screwed my eyes shut tight, hoping this was a horrible nightmare. But, when I opened them I was still here. The dark bruises in the shape of his fingers still stuck on my skin, the pain was still there.

I slid out of the bed, biting the inside of my cheek and praying that I could get out of here without him waking up. Apparently the universe thought I deserved this small favor because I was able to find my stuff, get dressed and slip out of his house without anyone seeing me.

Outside, I pulled my phone from my pocket to figure out where I was. I was an hour's walk away from home. By the time I got home...I'd have to get ready for school right away. I sent out a quick text to my group for someone to bring me something strong to get me through the day and started my long walk of shame.

I did the best I could to hide all the bruises under my clothes before going to school. Long sleeves pulled down into my fists, dark leggings, I even layered on a shirt with the tallest neckline I could find. Hid the red circles around my eyes under dark makeup and called it good enough.

I disappeared into the crowd at school, slinking from shadow to shadow like I was hiding from a spotlight. Thankfully, someone answered my text and slipped a baggy into my pocket during a quick hug. I wasted no time swallowing the pills, didn't even question it. I just needed everything to stop.

I only got through my first class without seeing him.

I was at my locker when suddenly I was picked up and spun around. I was too shocked to do anything more than shriek. Hit the ground and spun around to find myself face to face with that same boy. The star of the football team, he was all broad shoulders and a soft, innocent face. He came from money and everybody loved him because of it. But, of course, they didn't know what really lied behind that sweet face.

"Hey babe," he cooed, "missed you this morning. You could have stayed, I would have driven you home."

The breath rushed from my lungs and I was reliving flashes of memories from the night before. Once again trying and failing to fight back. Hearing his voice in my ear.

"Hey, Bryce!" Another jock clapped him on the shoulder, "introduce us to your girlfriend!"

"I..your...what?" I stammered.

"Guys, Ally...Ally, guys," he beamed, pulling me into his side.

The group of them said their hellos, and then quickly disappeared to their own lockers. I shoved him as hard as I could, but I barely moved him an inch. He still had a smile on his face even though his eyebrows had knit with confusion.

"Your girlfriend?" I hissed.

"Well, yeah? I assumed, after last night, y'know?"

"You assumed!"

He lifted his hands defensively, "take it easy, don't need to shout."

I spun and stalked away from him, to a quieter, more secluded corner of the school to try and calm my nerves.

He followed me, practically purring, "trying to find somewhere private for us?"

I stopped, dumbfounded, giving him time to come up behind me and plant a kiss to my neck.

I recoiled, shoving Bryce away and shouting, "get off me!"

"What the fuck is your problem? You gave it up so easy last night and now you're gunna act like a prude?"

"I...I didn't give anything! You took! You drugged me, carried me home when I couldn't walk and had sex with me when I couldn't say no! You raped me!"

"Babe," he started, "come on-"

"No! Don't fucking call me babe, I don't even know you! I'm not your girlfriend! I'm your victim!"

He got in my face, close enough I could feel the heat from his skin, and growled, "fuck you. We could have been something, y'know? I could have given you everything. You asked for the drugs, remember? You're just a fucking whore, using men to get what you want and then dropping them. You wait, I will fucking destroy you."

By the afternoon, everybody had seen the pictures he took of me unconscious and were calling me a whore. Calling me a skeleton, ugly, a tease, a user. Nobody could believe I didn't want it. 'Look at him,' they'd say, 'he's gorgeous. How could you not want him?' Or, 'I'd give anything to have him even look at me and you're complaining?'

--

It only took a couple days before someone approached me outside of my class. Asked if I'd sleep with him if he gave me something.

"Are you serious? You think I'm a prostitute or something? Try being a gentleman and asking a girl on a date, you'd have a better chance."

His eyebrows raised, "you wanna go on a date with me?"

"Not now I don't, shitdick," I scoffed, pushing my way into class.

Later that day, people were saying I'd slept with him anyway.

--

This went on for months. People would approach me asking for sex and when I turned them down, they made up a story and spread it around.

There was one boy...I thought he was different. He said all he wanted was to take me on a date, for me to give him a chance. So I did. I let him take me out for a coffee since I didn't eat in front of anyone. We actually had a good time, he made me laugh for the first time in a long time. For a minute, I felt like maybe I could see a way out of the dark.

Then, our way out of the cafe, I thought I saw a glimpse of Bryce but when I looked again, I didn't see him.

He drove us away from the city, to a secluded area where it was just the two of us. We sat in the back of his car, talking for a while until he brought me close and kissed me. Fingers started to tug at clothing, pulling a noise of protest from my throat.

"I took you out," he murmured, "now be a good girl for me."

I let my mind go blank, let him take what he wanted. Saw Bryce in his place and let a few tears fall silently.

I realized that no matter how good I thought things could be, no matter what I do, Bryce would still be on top of me and I still wouldn't be able to breathe. He'd always be there, sneering that he'd destroy me.

--

Eating was hard. Breathing was hard. Living was the hardest.

I felt like I had started dying the night Bryce took me home. Like everything since then had to have been a fever dream caused by cells deteriorating. Last night had nailed that feeling home. That I was already dead, just stuck in hell.

I showed up at school to see a snickering crowd in front of my locker. 'Whore' was painted across the door along with 'Liar' and 'Dirty Slut'.

Standing at the front of the crowd with a wicked grin on his face was Bryce and the rest of the football team.

He invaded my space, my senses, the heat radiating from his skin threatening to burn me up. The heady cologne he wore, a toxic gas that stole oxygen from my lungs and replaced it with poison.

His voice, low and husky in my ear when he sneered, "nobody believes you. Nobody cares about you. I bet nobody would even care if you were gone," he pulled away just enough to look into my eye, "I win."

I was holding back tears as I tried to retreat from the school, walking as fast as I could to escape the laughter when my arm was caught in someone's hand. I looked up at the girl who grabbed me and recognized her from some of my classes. We weren't really friends but we were close enough to know each other.

"You okay?"

I faked a smile, tried to ignore my voice cracking, "awesome...I'm awesome."

"Hey, screw those assholes, Ally."

I knew she was trying to help, that she thought her words would be enough to break through months of abuse hurled my way.

They weren't.

My shoulders slumped, "haven't you heard? I already did."

I slipped between her fingers and didn't look back.

--

"Whatever happened to chivalry?" Ally sighed, leaning against the wall next to me, "romance? I always wanted a relationship like in those cheesy old movies. You know, where the love interest makes some grand gesture to say they love you? That's what I dreamed of."

I wiped the tears from my face, "Ally.."

She smiled sadly at me, "I always thought I'd find the one when I became perfect. That if I could just be good enough...but that never happened, perfect never came."

@alias-b @charmed-asylum @champagnesugamama