#me. let go of all my emptiness | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

opens-up-4-nobody · 11 months ago

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#i started the semester off with such a level head but ive walked myself further and further toward i ledge i can feel crumbling #out from under my feet. i sit in small rooms where i feel the stress radiating from my chest down into my limbs. disappating into the floor #it makes me want to run and run and run but im so tired and the sidewalk is icy slick. and i feel like im at the limits of my abilities #and i know every grad student has that worry but what if its true. that i have a void behind my eyes and not enough depth of thought #anywhere it matters. how am i supposed to operate in this system when i can barely string together the words to understand what im reading #and itll never be any easier. what if im at my functional limit? what if i caught fire and burned away to ashes? what if i screamed and #kept screaming until someone told me patch up the open wound in my chest? what if i just stopped?#what if i could just let go of any need to feel like i have a purpose? what if i could just live? and feel the wonder of the things around #me. let go of all my emptiness #move at a pace that isnt breaking my neck. feel anything close to joy or if that's too much to ask then let me at least feel stable. just #for a while. just a little while.#and i know itll b fine. and i know im just being whiny bc things are hard and theyve been hard and theyll always be hard bc i refuse to make #things easy. but i just feel like im standing alone on a beach where the water's been drawn too far back #and i can see it rushing toward me faster than i can run. im just waiting for the tsunami to wash me away to nothing #unrelated

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gwandas · 6 months ago

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Alright, time to elaborate on that other post. Elain by far has had the most free will, the most agency out of the three sisters. Elain stans love to say Nesta coddles her when the reality is Nesta consistently relents to what Elain chooses for herself.

In ACOMAF, Nesta doesn't agree at first to Feyre's request to use their house because she doesn't want to compromise Elain's engagement. Elain is the one to push back, and Nesta relents immediately. What Nesta thinks is best doesn't take precedence over Elain's wants.

We know that Nesta doesn't approve of Greyson. She agrees with Cassian that Elain deserves better, but what Nesta thinks is best doesn't take precedence over Elain's wants.

In ACOWAR, Elain is catatonic. If anything, she should be coddled here. Her and Elain were stuck with these strangers for months. Strangers who were also the people who got them into that mess in the first place. Finally, Feyre shows up to help Nesta figure out how to help their sister. Madja is brought in, who recommends Lucien try to figure it out since they're mates. Nesta pushes back in what might arguably be coddling to keep Lucien from Elain. Feyre tells her to shut the fuck up and let Lucien try. And what do you know? She relents again -- What Nesta thinks is best is ignored because Nesta doesn't have any power in this situation.

In ACOFAS, Nesta has pushed Elain away at this point. She tells her “You have your life, I have mine." That's more or less Nesta saying do whatever tf you want Elain it's not my business. Not coddling!

In ACOSF, ohhh the infamous scene when Elain finally develops a personality starts coming out of her shell. Please try to remember at this point, Nesta has been locked in a house and barely sees Elain. The IC doesn't give a fuck about what Nesta wants for this whole book—Why would they choose now to listen to her? Literally everyone except Azriel agrees that Elain should be able to scry if she wants to. It would literally be easier for the IC to let Elain do it over waiting for Nesta who didn't want to do it.

"Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” When Nesta flinched, Elain said, “You can't have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater."

Elain says all this and then... goes back to "tend to her little garden." It's a toothless moment. Elain stans would rather blame Nesta for coddling her than consider that maybe Elain just didn't try very hard to take on some responsibility for her sister who was supposed to be in "rehab." It sounds fucking stupid in the context that Elain hasn't seen Nesta at all between ACOFAS and ACOSF -- Nesta physically isn't around to coddle her. Elain doesn't contribute because she chooses not to or because the IC simply doesn't ask her to. We don't have any context for what she's been up to aside from some vague comments about lying about gardening or whatever Cassian said.

Amren admits that they're using Elain to manipulate Nesta. There was zero practical reason for them to do this other than because they care more about Elain's safety than Nesta's safety. The IC are the ones who have the power to "hold Elain back," not her sister who is locked in a house and never sees her—The IC could easily say fuck you to Nesta and have Elain do it. They didn't even need to bring Nesta into this conversation!! They could've gone to Elain first!!

Some Elain stans want so badly for Nesta to be the thing holding Elain back and it's very transparent to me. I have seen people go so far as to blame Nesta for Elain's uselessness in the cabin and that Nesta abused her too—sorry, what? I mean nice try, but Elain already admitted to being just as neglectful, and not even because she was genuinely remoseful towards Feyre—She said that shit to defend Nesta from Cassian.

I'm not even saying Elain isn't coddled but Nesta sure as fuck isn't the one doing it. Nesta doesn't even have her own free will how the fuck is she supposed to take away someone else's? Nesta choosing to do things so Elain doesn't have to isn't coddling. It's well established that if Nesta couldn't successfully scry, they would've gone to Elain, which means Nesta never had the power to stop Elain from scrying. Nesta has never tried to take away Elain's free will and even if she wanted to, she has no power to do that.

#anti elain #acotar #it's just FUNNY to me to see people shit on nesta for not doing enough #and then blame Nesta for being the reason why Elain doesn't do enough #you're not throwing nesta under the bus for your fav on my watch #i'm sick of people saying it's misogynist to call elain boring #she's called boring because she's an empty shell #literally all the meta and characterization i see of her on here is SPECULATION #honestly it would be INTERESTING for sjm to go in the direction of elain let nesta take all the blame so she could get off scot free #i would never call her boring again #but yeah all you fucking weirdos accusing nesta of abusing her with zero evidence?#unfortunately for you sjm isn't going to regress nesta's character for someone she hasn't bothered giving a personality to yet #say what you want about nesta but she's had a definitive and consistent personality this whole time #don't piss me off

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tennessoui · 26 days ago

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✨important ko-fi update✨

i figured out how to fix my ko-fi unsubscribing problem without deleting my whole acocunt (i just went through and unsubscribed everyone who was still subscribed and then turned off the option to be a monthly supporter 🎉 )

(it turns out it was a very easy fix/answer to the dilemma i was having lol - there was even an official walkthrough from ko-fi)

so!! instead of just deleting my account completely, i've gone and made all the stories there public, so everyone can read them if they'd like! the links to the google docs where the fics are are in the summaries of the posts in the gallery tab of my ko-fi. they vary from familiar aus we've talked about on tumblr (like wine party au and divorce lawyer au) to aus that have fics on ao3 (like pbatmb & stacy's mom au) to aus that i created really just for ko-fi (like jedi healer anakin au & mermay au)

when i get around to posting the fics on ao3 from ko-fi (sometime in 2025, depending on my serotonin levels), i'll delete the fic from the gallery. but this way people who had access before because they were supporters get to keep their access even after their subscriptions expire!! and folks who do want to read the stories but couldn't because of budget get them too 😊

#kit's ko-fi #happy saturday #obikin #so if you did save all those links cause i told you to i am so so sorry #but i promise i did a ton of empty-minded clicking and refreshing today too #but anyway for all subscribers i did go through everyone and make sure all subscriptions said 'canceled'#but if you get billed for the next round please let me know so i can figure out the refund process!!#and for everyone else: enjoy! 🤗#and if you wanna buy me a coffee as i write my last essay for my first semester of grad school #i would not say no i would say thank you thank you thank you with multiple virtual kisses #only 4 more days to go folks #these last few tags have just been for me tbh im gnawing at the bit to be done

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ablog · 4 months ago

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Girl help I wish to travel to different dimensions just to watch a movie/show I really like a little to the left

#years of dreaming on it #OR WHEN A SHOW IS CANCELLED LIKE FUCK YOU #give me me ending even if i have to rip it out if the multiverse hands #but sometimes i just wanna see more of characters interacting together just give me uncut 50 hours version of them #rn it's #deadpool and wolverine #and i wanna know #final space #ending already #and a better #supernatural #ending. and my cancelled gems like #infinity train #inside job #the midnight gospel #lego monkie kid #BUT FRAME MY FRAME FLYING BARK I MISS YOU SO MUCH BBY PLEASE COME HOME wb did a good job but my obsessed ass want eye candy lego animation #our flag means death #I WOULD GIVE MY BLOOD FOR THAT SEASON 3 THEY WERE SO STUPID AND UNFAIR TO CHANCEL IT #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #BELOVED BELOVED BELOVED come backkk mm and you can coexist #oh and let's not forget. what the world would look like if the trollhunters movie didn't SUCK ASS horrible movie -7383/10 DELETE #i can go on all day i have been done wrong by many cancelled shows😭#neh what's up with everyone doing multiverse🙄 don't they know i was making these stuff up since ehh before spiderverse came out forsure🙄🙄#/j #but I really didnit was like my go to plot for falling asleep i hade self insert lore and universal police and empty space and cool shit

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eddis-not-eeddis · 16 hours ago

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Expecting a man to ask conversation-carrying questions is futile. It will never happen. So instead I've been acting like a podcast host interviewing a guest, and dang. Those conversations get kinda deep.

#i've had three separate men begin WILLINGLY TO TALK ABOUT RELIGION #usually they will listen to me talk about my faith and say nothing about their own aside from the obligatory 'i'm not really religious'#but as soon as i started asking interview-style questions suddenly they want to talk about all of it #'i used to be christian and now i don't really know what i believe'#'i can't reconcile what i used to believe with the reality of the world i live in every day and i feel so empty'#'i believe in something but i have no idea what this isn't all there is'#ouch #this makes me realize how little i listen to people to hear from them and more just want to get to the part i want to talk about #and i guess mocking people for not being interested in keeping a fairly boring conversation going is not the way #because letting them speak and listening has always taken the conversation to a more interesting place than if I'd said my bit

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neodiekido · 2 months ago

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special sort of deep sad fondness for v3 tsumugi shirogane. i can't articulate this very well but she makes me feel very sad. junko is iconic and we love her but i think i like tsumugi just a little more as a mastermind for what she represents

#idk man its just. her death at the end of v3 always stuck with me #even as a kid who'd cheer at the rock falling her blank melancholy expression while waving always made my stomach twist a little #loving something so much you don't know who you are without it... such a lonely way to live #even with all her junko-posturing and grand speeches in the end she was just a sad empty kid who'd rather die than let go of danganronpa #tsumugi shirogane

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ratatatastic · 2 months ago

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local man haunts (me) open practise yet again more news at 11

#txt #what an experience #i didnt go alone this time which means shenanigans heightened by 20 #and by that i mean we were by the glass drinking mate (that security thankfully let us bring in)#and ___ kept going (lifts mate up to the glass) quieres? to all the players that skated by #and i had to just go STOP THAT #and they went they dont want our mate hmph what do they know about mate and i went. well thats the thing. they dont 😭😭#theres was a bunch of kids next to me which meant a lot players over to our side and ekky trucked over #and knocked the glass w his stick on a driveby and scared the shit out of me I ALMOST DROPPED MY MATE he had this shit eating grin #maffhew also kept doing little toodle-loo waves at the kids behind him it was so cute 😭😭😭#but anyways i think its so funny ___ kept focusing on ekky too and i didnt realise why until they just drop the bombshell of #“they remind me of your brother” and i went “DONT FUCKING SAY THAT WHAT THE FUCK MAN DONT SAY SUCH SACRILEGE”#the rest of the convo was in spanish and i dont know how to like fully convey 🇦🇷 banter in eng but it roughly went #“no he does. he has the same dumb face when he starts shit (because he kept bodily bumping into boqy and forsy)#the same 'was that me? did i do that?' troublemaker face. hes a shit stirrer but never answers to it. hes sleazy in that way.#he has the same beard too dont you see it“#and then i promptly spent the whole time going god he is just like my older brother oh this is a horrifying revelation oh god #anyways they kept saying look at his dumb face look at it just like your brother the whole time in spanish when he crept near #and i had to go SHUT UP PLEASE HE CAN HEAR YOU to which they snorted and went you said its fine if we spoke spanish here theyre not gonna #understand us and i was like OKAY BUT IM SURE 11 YEARS HERE HES GONNA PICK UP #SOMETHING AND WE KEEP CURSING SO FOR MY SAKE CAN YOU SHUT UP #mikksy and schmidty were super playful with eo. tuomo ruutu kept messing w mikksy. and ekky was like a damn bumper car bumpin everyone #maffhew ofc was very dramatic when he couldnt get a goal in against knighter and he did the horse headshake in front of us #and i went “you can tell whos number 19 because hes the most dramatic person on the ice always”#ekky was super vocal i know he wanted to practise against the empty net but aj was practising tipins and he goes #MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. and aj so confused just moves like ???#and ekky notches one in goes over to him and waves his glove at him to move #also dmen + lundy were practising on my side of the ice afterwards (lundy ekky uvis kuli. kuli was practising solo. lundy was feeding ekky #for some slapshots uvis got some passes in with them) and anyways i did not fucking realise swaggy was still out because i was so focused on #the dmen until he shot a puck straight at my face and like man i know its not personal but damn did it feel personal with the lookback

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icewindandboringhorror · 5 months ago

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Little "bouquet" of random flowers I found growing wild in a yard

#flowers #photo diary #I think people are way too mean about ''''weeds'''' and not appreciative of them. Like.. dandelions are super nice looking #and bright and pretty.. forget me nots are so cute and a nice color.. etc. all of these random things that just spring up in the yard #are so neat. and it's evil that people tear them up and mow them down all the time #I guess maybe I get dandelions because they can kind of take over a space?? MAYBE?? but even then #if I was going to have a yard that is just a giant empty plot of blank grass. I would ratherit have a scattering of dandelions than #just like....... nothingness.#Also super cool that this person I know has columbines growing wildly in the yard. They hate them and pull them up #since they've kind of ''taken over'' a patch of grass near a bench they use #but they're soooo cool... Though they only have the single color ones just purple. My favorite columbines are the ones that are two colors #and almost look like two flowers in one or something.#There's a hill near a road around here where poppies seem to be growing wild.. ough... I wish I could go and take some or something #I've tried to transplant forget me nots everytime I'm in some realitive or friend's yard who has them and I ask to dig a few up but #I think theyre just not the type of flower that really grows long term on a deck lol.. but I wish they were... I just really like the blue #color. THOUGH this year in someone else's yard I found a very cool flower just randomly growing wildly that I had never seen #before. It's called Bethlehem Lungwort and it has spotted leaves and multi colored flowers and it looked like a flower out of a cartoon #at first. Since it was randomly growing wild in a yard the person let me dig one of them upand its' still aliveon my deck actualy #It's not blooming flowers anymore but the leaves are still prospering fine. Though it seems to really dislike the super hot sun #and will wilt in this heat wave if I'm not watering it at least once every other day lol.. anyway

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spookythesillyfella · 3 months ago

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i was planning to get started on my halloween hv doodles but then @chrizz00 sent this in a conversation we were in and i lost my shit i immediately had to draw this

thank you for feeding me . my brothers and my . like . three-ish tumblr followers who interact with my hv art posts <33

★ original image under cut :

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des-no9 · 22 hours ago

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happy holidays my loves. hope everyone's having a lovely day whatever you're doing and whoever you're with, or if you're alone <3

#trying really hard to stay sane and happy and smile through the pain and emptiness #hrjghfghfg #trying very hard to not be a downer #i appreciate so much anyone who has been kind to me lately tolerated me spoken to me reached out or gifted me some art or chatted to me or #let me talk about my voss or vanquish or my OCs or githyanki #they're all that keep me going rn #i did a litte secret santa in a uk dnd/bg3 meet server for cosplay and events where i met up for bg3 meet at con etc and even then my #recipient hasnt acknowledged my gift #and my gifter hasn't done mine kdfjkdfjkdfjdf this happens so many times with me when i do these events #anyway #juno gave me the most beautiful art of vanquish and voss this morning and i legit just cried for this out of no-where lovely gesture #thank you love i hope you know it meant the world to me #des talks #and vents

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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months ago

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#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing #painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her #i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but #the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach #streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow #im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected #i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes #not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her #how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want #her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest #but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b #so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so #much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming #i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby #unrelated

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godblooded · 8 days ago

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i honest to god wonder when i can get a fucking break. i don’t know shit about my car. the fucking asshole who hit me won’t even give me his insurance shit. it looks like i’ll be alone on christmas because my uncle probably won’t be doing christmas eve. my aunt was completely wrong and i am in fact vastly and incredibly alone. i haven’t even had the chance to put up a christmas tree because it’s an incredible amount to do by myself and no one can come help me. the wreath on my front door? won’t stay up so there goes that i guess. at least i put down grave blankets. i feel like i’m the most irritating fucking person on the face of the earth. i wish with such incredible intensity i could just disappear but i have to go to work to a job that i can’t even take a week off from.

#ooc. o kaptain.#negativity /#[I’ve absolutely hit breaking point and I’m genuinely sorry to everyone. idk anymore. writing doesn’t make me feel better because I can’t #ever seem to do it consistently for a plethora of reasons. video games barely help. I love my job but at the end of the day I am just some #stranger to all these people and I go home. and I have no one here. by this point I’m just… existing day to day to day and I don’t even know #why anymore. and absolutely no one gives a real fuck when it comes down to it because I am just an insignificant part of their life. which #is no fault of anyone’s I’ve just been…. idk incredibly unlucky. I don’t know. I’m quiet unless I do replies I guess. it’s taking everything #in me not to just delete this but genuinely…. I feel so fucking empty and all I want to do is grieve but no one will let me.]

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sasukesofficiallawyer · 1 month ago

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I finally cleaned my depression hole excuse for a bedroom! I found out I had 10 math books, 3 grammar books, 5 binders, 22 folders, 28 notebooks, 11 sketchbooks, 17 dictionaries, 20 handfuls of pencils (regular and colored), 13 handfuls of pens and markers, it looks like I raided an office supplies store. I think I was accidentally a hoarder. I also found my first fanfiction and fanart, which were in my old elementary school binder.

#depression room #cleaning my room #why did I keep all this #I filled up five trash bags #I have more clothes than I thought #theyre old though #and too small for me right now #I’m not going to let that mess with my head at all #I had so many empty skincare and makeup containers #sasuke’s lawyer

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pokimoko · 1 year ago

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I have had it with these motherfucking spam bots on this motherfucking site.

#personal #tumblr stuff #vent post #spam bots #i've been getting like 1000 spam bot followers a day for the last few days and blocking them all is getting--dare i say--TEDIOUS #wake up. block 300 bots. go to work. come home and block 500 more bots. spend evening checking tumblr to block bots. it's becoming a chore #it's starting to feel like I offended the tumblr gods or something. this is ridiculous. but like hell will i let them win #i won't let my follower count be 50% bots. i feel like a deserve a tumblr badge or something for fending off so many bots.#tribble #the trouble with tribbles #a very apt metaphor i think for these bloody spam bots; block one and five more come to take its place #but upside: the spam bots are helping me compile a Rosetta Stone for the word 'Untitled'. woo #also if you just joined tumblr and want to follow me: for the love of god personalise your bloody blog #i don't care if you have a icon or a summary. if your blog and likes are empty i'm blocking you #because i don't trust empty blogs and i really don't have the time to sort out who's real or not right now #(though if the blog's offering free mp3s 'just click the link!' or is advertising US keto gold coast gummies i know for sure it ain't real)#but hey! good news to people who followed me in the last four days who haven't been blocked; you passed the blog captcha test #anyway just had to get this frustration out of my system; gonna go block some more bots now i guess. i'll be very happy when this stops

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brittlebutch · 3 months ago

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really really hate how “eating food together” is such a common social activity. i do not like doing that with other people, y’all Have to leave me alone

#N posts stuff #between my like. probable-arfid pickiness #and my devastating and unpredictable crazy GI issues #i do not like eating food with other people. because the things i feel safe eating are so simple and plain #that it gets me made fun of #but then even sometimes when i play it as safe as possible the ‘4 hour bathroom lock-in’ curse can just decide to strike anyway #‘oh we’re all going to eat breakfast together it’ll be fun’ i am going to kill myslef in the parking lot #i don’t even like eating in public with my Family let alone a bunch of people i don’t know well #especially because people are SO comfortable being pushy about food. ‘oh well if you just try it’#stoppppp we have to come up with something else. let’s all go sit in an empty field together or something pleasssse

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because-its-eurovision · 1 year ago

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so I just heard I'm gonna be unemployed after this month :) hooray

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