#me? making all the people i relate to grey aro demi ace? its more likely than you think!

[courfee]

fra! happy wednesday, i hope your week has been going well so far <33 humbly requesting 💚 for the unpopular opinions ask!

mil!! hello!!! <333 i lost all concept of time so i didn't realise it was wednesday until this ask!

💚: What does everyone else get wrong about your favorite character?

lets go for james for this one!! so often he's being portrayed as someone who's had 24601 dates and realtionships and is like. popular with all the girls (and guys) but man like. he had one look at lily and was like yup, i'm hers, and then never looked back again. doodling her initials in hearts on his exam papers, like come on... the only other person he'd look at twice while having a very persistent and long lasting crush is sirius, because it's sirius. james is so very grey romantic coded like he has like 2 crushes in his whole life and thats it. sure he falls in love a lot, but he falls in love with the concept of people, not actually with the people themselves. (also on that note. i refuse to say james is bi or pan or whatever else. he is such an unbothered unlabelled guy. like why should he bother thinking about it when he's had the same crush for a decade. he likes this single person and that's it)

unpoluar opinion asks!!

[oscconfessions]

Sigh... I'm gonna add my two cents about the Balloon arospec drama(I'm AroAce BTW) and by my two cents I mean I'll mention it two times and just talk about something else related. I'll also be providing some knowledge about AroAceness and all that.

For those of you who don't know,

Aro: Aromantic - Little to no romantic attraction.

Ace: Asexual - Little to no sexual attraction.

Aro+Ace are spectrums and aren't just "every Aro person doesn't feel any kind of romantic attraction" or "every Ace person can't feel sexual attraction." I feel as tbough people forget that all the time so I wanted to remind you lot haha.

I'm noticed this kind of drama a few times, where people argue about a character on where they are on the AroAce spectrum. It's difficult for me to put what I think into words here, but if a character(either canon AroAce or not) doesn't have a canon placement on the spectrum then whatever, go wild.

To help with my previous statement, I'll use SakiK from... SaikiK. People generally agree he's AroAce, yet people argue about where he is on that spectrum(mainly the Aromantic part). Since it's not ever stated where he is on that spectrum(or even if he is AroAce but SHHHSHSHHSH 🤫🤫), everyone has their own interpretation of it.

I believe it should be the same for Balloon, unless Balloon comes on screen and says "I am *insert very specific thing here* " as he points to a picture of the Aro spectrum then its to to you. Obviously, don't make him a sex crazed fiend or constantly searching for love, you eejit, but it should be up to interpretation.

A little off-topic here, sorry, but I wanted to bring up umbrella terms in both the Aro and Ace spectrums(I'm included ace because eh why not! This is for my people who HC Balloon as Aro AND Ace 🙏🙏)

Here are some terms under both the aro and ace spectrums. I feel as though you guys and many, MANY others tend to forget that there are umberlla terms for AroAce. I'll define them below:

Ace umbrella:

Aceflux: someone whose sexual orientation fluctuates but generally stays on the asexual spectrum

Greysexual: only experience sexual attraction some of the time, and sometimes not at all.

Demisexual: An individual who does not experience sexual attraction until after a close emotional bond has been formed.

Aro umbrella:

Aroflux: someone whose romantic orientation fluctuates but generally stays on the aromantic spectrum

Greyromantic: Some may feel a strong emotional connection with others but do not desire romantic relationships, while others may feel a weak romantic attraction to some people but not all.

Demiromantic: An individual who does not experience romantic attraction until after a close emotional bond has been formed.

Now, there are MANY more, feel free to add in the replies or the reblogs (o: !

Also, my apologies that this post was very long! Also also, my personal opinion on Balloons arospec thing? Idfk, lmao. TBH, this was kinda an excuse to just talk about stuff I like and am interested in so... 👍I've seen the tweet where one of the people who worked on II said yes, Balloon is meant to be Aro, but I couldn't tell you if they went into specifics about it. Sorry for constantly saying AroAce instead of just aro for Balloon, I felt like it was still important to include all my asexuals out there and educate others about it.

(BTW! Any inaccurate info, PLEASE, PLEASE correct in the replies)

Anyway!

TL;DR:

If a character who is just stated to be AroAce(not demi, grey, flux ETC) and never has their place on the spectrum explained whatsoever, it's okay to have a little fun experimenting with it IYKWIM. As I've stated, we all have our own interpretation of the AroAce character and there's no point arguing about it and getting mad because that's fucking stupid, unless they start actively getting rid of the AroAce rep then burn them to the stakes! /j

I know how wild you mother fuckers can be, so don't shank me please. If you disagree, take a deep breath and remain calm because getting all pissy about this isn't gonna do shit. Try to go about it calmly and reasonably. <3

I'd love to see others' opinions on this, remember to be respectful! 🩵

.

[wpffw]

this blog has gotten some attention recently so I want to have a pinned brief intro - here y’all go 💜

Pinned Intro

🎵🎶

FAQs / Relevant Boundaries

★ Please credit this blog (if possible) if you publish a piece, especially if it directly quotes me. These are real quotes I’ve written in my own stories, exactly as written (names removed in some cases, but phrasing kept true). I don’t mind you publishing for money or publishing online or etc., that’s actually really cool. Just please don’t steal my quotes without credit. :/

★ “spam” liking is welcome, and please reblog anything you enjoy. My reach here is rather small, & though I’m content with where we are, I’d love to reach more people who enjoy these out-of-context quotes of mine.

★ You can ask questions, and even ask for context to quotes if you want to. Sometimes I share something I’d love to infodump about (not to find people to infodump to, but I would gladly tell you).

★ I’m always open to asks. If the button is there, feel free to pop by. ☺

★ A little more detail below, but I can’t guarantee a regular posting schedule. I will make the effort to post more frequently, but I am only one person and can only do so much.

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Who Runs The Blog + Related Info

★ full-time university student, which can mean slower posting during exam times. major is Human Development, with a minor in Psychology. If you’re curious, I would love to infodump about these on our main blog @void-galaxy-shenanigans

★ D.I.D. system, but this blog is run by Nico 💜☺ (collective name is Void Galaxy)

★ he/they collectively, and mine are also he/they with some neos I enjoy too

★ we’re autistic & ADHD with synesthesia; some of my writing now reflects that, especially narration/descriptions (the figurative masks are finally melting away (/pos))

★ body has Bipolar, so even with meds creating some stability I can’t guarantee a regular posting schedule. I will attempt to use the queue to help with this (¿maybe one a day?), but still no guarantees. I don’t want to promise a certain rate of posting and then stress myself out about it & miss posts because deadlines are overwhelming 😅

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General Boundaries

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★ Bigots are not welcome. This is a pro/safe space for...

🔸BIPOC (including native Puerto Ricans & Hawaiians, among others)

🔸LGBT+ people 🏳️‍⚧️🏳‍🌈 (including aspec (ace, aro, acearo; demi, grey, etc.) and nonbinary folks, & this blog is neopronoun friendly; medical transition and non medical transition both welcome, no TERFs or trans-medicalists)

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🍉 This space believes a free Palestine (returned to its people, not a ceasefire loss) is long overdue, though this is not a blog where I can share donation posts. 🍉

If you disagree with or are angered by any of these, block this blog. I will block anyone who sends anon hate.

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That’s all I can think of right now. Let us know if we missed something important.

~Nico💜

[aplatonic-alpaca]

So I've recently discovered the aplatonic spectrum and wonder if I might be aplspec? I do feel close to the friends I have and will miss them, and as I'm aroace, I do put emphasis on my current friendships. I definitely feel some platonic attraction towards them, but I find it hard to connect to new people. I do want more friends and I find it easy to talk to strangers and be friendly, yet when I think about it, 1/2

I honestly can't tell if I ACTUALLY want more friends or if I just want social interaction. Also the fact that apparently platonic attraction is when you want a specific person to be your friend, not just friendship in general, which throws me off a bit lol. I don't often feel that way towards specific people. And, at the same time, I can't help but wonder if this is just a result of some undiagnosed mental illness I have, so that makes it more complicated. Any thoughts or advice? 2/2

(Kind of an addition to my previous 2 asks, but also it's own thing so feel free to post separately or not) One thing I do want to add is that I get really uncomfortable with people I barely know calling me their friend or people asking if they can be my friend. Usually I'm only comfortable calling someone a friend if I've spoken to and connected to them for a long time. Is that something often experienced by aplspecs?

Sorry this took me so long to answer!

I'm gonna break apart a few lines and give my thoughts!

As always, other aplatonics are welcome to chip in too!

I can't help but wonder if this is just a result of some undiagnosed mental illness

First I want to say that... having a mental illness, or being otherwise neurodiverse, doesn't disqualify you from being aplatonic. A lot of aplatonics are neurodivergent in some form and have it affect or even "cause" their aplatonicism. The original coiner of the term "aplatonic" was neurodivergent!

It's entirely up to you if you want to (1) share that you are neurodivergent, (2) take the aplatonic label or not, and (3) share that you are aplatonic. Labels are tools meant to help you and are not required in any way, and no one is entitled to know any aspect of your identity. This goes for every label and identity, and I just want to make this clear right off the top. /gen

I do feel close to the friends I have and will miss them (...) I definitely feel some platonic attraction towards them, but I find it hard to connect to new people.

Maybe look into the term Demiplatonic?

Demiplatonic is where you only feel platonic attraction for people once you've formed a bond / friendship with them, and don't feel that attraction before that bond. Just like demi-aro and demi-ace, there's no required time limit for the bond, just whatever and whenever you deem is a platonic bond.

Also the fact that apparently platonic attraction is when you want a specific person to be your friend, not just friendship in general, which throws me off a bit lol. I don't often feel that way towards specific people.

And greyplatonic is a bit more open in its definition but it describes rare platonic attraction. We don't really know yet what the "average" amount of platonic attraction is, so you kinda just have to go based on your own experiences and perceptions of how those around you view friendship.

I'm greyplatonic and I actually relate to a lot of greyromantic and greysexual experiences, just swapping out the romantic and sexual attraction they mention for platonic attraction instead. I'm also apl-spike and I relate to arospikes and acespikes, too.

So maybe that could help you as well? Looking at and comparing experiences to arospecs and acespecs? It probably would work for the other aplspec identities too, since they all use the same aspec prefixes.

(Btw, Greyplatonic can also be used as an umbrella term for any other apl identity on the grey areas of the spectrum.)

One thing I do want to add is that I get really uncomfortable with people I barely know calling me their friend or people asking if they can be my friend. Usually I'm only comfortable calling someone a friend if I've spoken to and connected to them for a long time. Is that something often experienced by aplspecs?

I'm not sure how common it is but I have heard other aplatonics say that before!

The aplatonic person who helped me realize I was aplatonic actually mentioned something like this! I can't find the original post right now, so I think it was a sort of untagged vent post... But from what I remember it was basically them saying that a coworker called them a friend despite never interacting or speaking with them outside of work, and the apl was pretty taken aback and uncomfortable by them labeling their relationship as a friendship. To the apl, they were just coworkers that talked at work, with nothing deeper to it nor any desire to be.

I know that platonic / plato repulsion is a thing, like romance repulsion and sex repulsion. It's not always a feeling of disgust, but sometimes a disconnect or aversion, so that term could probably be applicable to this situation, if you wanted a term for it. An alternate term would also be platonic / plato aversion.

[booksandwords]

Loveless by Alice Oseman

Read time: 5 Days Rating: 4/5

The quote: You know why people pair up into couples? Because being a human is fucking terrifying. But it's a hell of a lot easier if you're not doing it alone. — Ellis

In the interest of full disclose this is an almost automatic 5 star book for me. Any book that features an aro/ace protagonist and treats them with respect and dignity will get 5 five stars, any writing plot or character other flaws be damned. The world needs more aro/ace representation where we aren't the best friend or something to be fixed. But even without my usual aro/ace crusading, this likely would have been a 5. The character are individual, realistic and oh so human, the plot is centred on identity and confusion but is written in a manner that it is readable. And it is oh so relatable for an ace (aro? demi? grey? my romantic orientation is up in the air) who found out well after school what they were. The anger, confusion, sense of overwhelm, and the bizarre sense of mourning due to the loss of what was impressed on you as the normal. One of the best phrases in the book may be "Says who? The Hetronormative rulebook? Fuck that Georgia Fuck that." and you know what amen to that Rooney. The ending is satisfying but still open as is only right for something written for this demographic. This isn't the end of their story it is only the start.

It is worth saying that for those of us who are ace and comfortable with their identity are aware very early on what is going on with Georgia. Georgia is an anxious, touch averse Ace who is trying to force herself to be "normal". With an extended family of almost perfect hetronormative ideal relationships, met early married had kids that have been subconsciously impressed on her as the future and expected of her. Combined with her love of fanfiction it had to be her to the idea that there is the perfect person for everyone. As stated in the intro to this review Georgia is very realistic in her reactions to her newly discovered identity. Confusion, anger, mourning, insecurity. I personally felt all of these and I know others in the community did as well to varying degrees. Georgia does have a conversation with the wonderful Ellis, an ace in her 30s who had to discover her identity and learn her way on her own. Moments leading up that earn this a trigger warning for something that may or may not be alluding to conversion therapy, either way, it is slightly distressing. Ellis is a beautiful woman and a great inclusion. She is a successful woman, making her own way and living her life regardless of what others think.

A moment on the character who for me is the absolute stand out. Sunil is Georgia's College parent, they end up being a something of fairy godace for Georgia. They would hate that term, but it's so fitting for me. Sunil is a homoromantic nonbinary ace with the preferred pronouns they/him (Georgia/ Oseman use him never they), he is the one who introduces the term asexual to Georgia and tells her the potential of it. I really like him, he makes me smile. No one in an Alice Oseman book is two dimensional in their identity (racial, romantic or sexual), Sunil is no exception. He is handled well with the respect of an only slightly older figure, one who is still not entirely set on their feet. And while Georgia is cis white as well as being an enby Sunil is of Indian descent.

The other supporting characters are Rooney, Pip and Jason. Rooney is Georgia's Shakespeare obsessed roommate. They meet on the first day of university and are total opposites. I like their relationship. It's non-traditional but love in a way I want to see more of. Georgia is loyal despite all of Rooney's actions. Pip and Jason are Georgia's best friends. Pip is chaos, Georgia is silent and Jason is clam. They are something of an odd combination but it works well. Jason and his love of Scooby-Doo is both funny and cute. They are all individual and that there is some conflict between them is a good thing.

This is relatable for aces in a similar way to I Was Born For This was relatable for fandom. I would say that if you enjoyed I Was Born For This for its fandom aspects you will enjoy this, even more, fandom specifically fanfic is part of Georgia and her romantic education such as it is. Georgia (, Sunil and Ellis) face misunderstandings about their sexuality. Those phrase aces hear and hate. Sunil's is particularly important they face bigotry from other members of the LBGTQ community, where it is called a made-up sexuality. Georgia gets the 'you'll find the right person', 'have you tried...', 'what about when you are older'. We've all heard them and I could hear the tone. Some of the statements are apologised for others are not, the ones that are are important and say a lot about the importance and development of the character.

A random dump because concise reviews are not possible for Alice Oseman books.

Tommy ending up in the fire is funnier than it should be. I see all kinds of unwarranted metaphors.

Fried Egg is the cutest nickname that would make no sense to anyone but the participating people involved.

Kinsey Scale Test is something hadn't heard of but yeah that is a result a questioning person doesn't want to see.

QUILTBAG is an acronym I had never heard in the LGBTQ community. It's not new, I found it in a 2012 article, where I found this definition it is a good article. "It stands for QU is for queer and questioning, I for intersex, L for Lesbian, T for transgender and transsexual and Two-Spirit, B for bisexual, A for asexual and ally, and G for gay and genderqueer. Even with all those letters, we’ve missed some of the possibilities (such as pansexual and fluid, both of which are identities I’ve heard people claim), but QUILTBAG still offers a rainbow of different ways to identify. It’s also a lot easier to say than LGBTQIA (which is what I started using after I realized how exclusive LGBT and queer were)."

Am I the only one who doesn't know what the Bailey Ball is? They aren't an Australian thing. Well, that and I studied uni by distance.

Rooney and Ellis make some brilliant points about friendship and its importance to aces. The way it is made lesser than romantic relationships in general.

Apparently all the Oseman books are set in a common universe, the easiest evidence of this in Loveless is in the reference to Universe City from Radio Silence.

Roderick the plant as a metaphor was smart. I quite liked it.

This is a really quotable book there are fantastic quotes about love, friendship and maturity.

As an aside. The protagonist brings up her love of fanfic early in the book. There is there are precious little aspec fanfics out there. Mostly one would suspect because sex makes the tv industry go-round (see Shadowhunter and Riverdale for their treatment of originally aroace characters). As Clotpolesonly wrote in reply to me "aspec AUs are practically unicorns, they're so rare in fandom". One fandom that does have fanfics for them is Teen Wolf. Derek Hale can easily be read as an aspec (usually closer to the demi or grey part of the spectrum). So even if you don't know the show have a fic rec Magic and Drag Queens and Lizards, Oh My by clotpolesonly. Also That's When I Knew by Stennerd, this is for the 911 fandom pairing is Buddie, demisexual. There are I know more but not nearly as many as there are for some others.

[alloaroworlds]

Saw something about alloace people stealing the idea of an alloa flag from alloaros, but don’t most pride flags with counterparts start with one? Is it bad to use the alloace flag?

Thank you, anon, for asking this respectfully.

(There’s too many non-respectful, insulting, allo-aro-antagonistic and even cissexist asks in my inbox on the subject of flags.)

I agree with you: it's common in LGBTQIA+ spaces for pride flags to use other pride flags as a reference point, particularly when it comes to related terms and shared symbols or colours.

I, personally, take no issue with the concept of allo-aces using a flag that was inspired in its colour symbolism by the allo-aro flag. As much as I dislike the ways Tumblr pairs allo-aros and allo-aces in content (flag edit posts, positivity) as though "allo" is equivalent to "demi" or “flux” or “grey”, I see the symbolism in taking the allo-aro flag and transforming it in asexual-flag styling to suit allo-ace needs. (It makes sense given that our yellow/golds were chosen by @arotaro because they’re opposite on the colour wheel from purple and aro green was historically chosen because it is opposite from red.) I don't view it as "stolen" any more than I would another flag inspired by another flag.

Pride flag culture is, like fandom and fanworks, transformative.

What I take issue with is individual allo-aces or groups of allo-aces using a flag that was inspired by the allo-aro flag while engaging in, perpetrating, condoning and/or ignoring allo-aro antagonism and erasure.

The allo-ace flag doesn't exist in a vacuum. It's not disconnected from the ways allo-aces treat allo-aros--and the ways allo-aros have come to feel about allo-aces. It’s not disconnected from the ways the allo-ace and allo-aro flags appear together in solidarity/positivity posts that are entirely at odds with the ways allo-aces frequently treat allo-aros. It's not just four stripes on a flag that happen to be inspired by ours because of related a-spec symbolism.

I, personally, don't see not using the allo-ace flag as a viable solution. How is that going to change things? (Very likely, folks will switch to another flag and keep on with the same old erasure.) Allo-ace identity is important, and if allo-aces like and relate to the symbolism of the red/purple flag, they should be able to keep using it. (I definitely don’t want to police allo-ace identity and pride the way folks are trying to do with me, which is also a subject of anon asks.) When allo-aros discuss our frustrations with the context of the allo-ace flag, we're not doing it because we object to another a-spec identity's expression of pride.

We're trying to express how unfair it feels that allo-aces are using a symbol inspired by ours while creating and/or overlooking their involvement in an a-spec culture that treats and dismisses allo-aros as third-class a-spec citizens.

The relationship between allo-aros and allo-aces is a much broader subject than the origins and use of one flag. At the same time that flag is, because of the circumstances of its making, eminently symbolic of said relationship.

That doesn’t always come across in frustration-fuelled posts (often made to allo-aros by allo-aros in our tags/spaces, where everyone’s aware of the context and further elaboration isn’t needed, or as short vent posts). It looks like we’re just complaining about one flag being inspired by ours, which can easily be misunderstood as petty, hateful or policing at odds with transformative pride flag culture. But our feelings run far deeper than that, and that’s a hard thing to see if you’re outside the allo-aro community.

I can only speak my opinion, but I want allo-aces to use the current flag (if that’s what you decide you want to use, because you have the right to celebrate allo-ace identity with community-decided symbolism, language and pride colours).

I want allo-aces to use and take pride in the allo-ace flag with an accompanying spirit of valuing, supporting and encouraging allo-aro contributions to our shared a-spec community.

I want allo-aces to use and take pride in the allo-ace flag while acknowledging the accompanying fundamental necessity to recognise, challenge and halt the allo-aro erasure and antagonism common in the asexual and a-spec communities.

I want allo-aces to use and take pride in the allo-ace flag while recognising that such use must carry the obligation to respect allo-aros.

Until that point, though, I think the allo-aro community is fair to look at some uses of the allo-ace flag in frustration and pain (especially those solidarity posts that gloss over the reality of the allo-aro-and-allo-ace relationship). The flag is not stolen, and I don’t think it should be referred to as such, but its careless use by allo-aces without accompanying recognition of the way many so often harm allo-aros is contentious.

Does all this make sense, anon?

Note 1: I’m not the creator of the allo-aro flag that inspired the allo-ace flag, and I think @arotaro‘s feelings in this situation, in terms of ongoing use of flags, should carry far more weight than mine.

Note 2: The flag we’re discussing is by @varioriented-pride, who does a lot to reblog allo-aro visual/flag-edit content on an account devoted to a wide variety of varioriented folks, a category that includes allo-aros and allo-aces alike. (I regularly reblog their* posts over here, in fact.) I haven’t seen them engage in allo-aro erasure or antagonism; they stand as an example for the kind of allyhood and support I am asking.

(* Apologies if I have misgendered: I can’t find any mention of pronouns!)

Note 3: There is a second allo-ace flag by @flagify that isn't directly inspired by the allo-aro flag. I am in no way making a statement as to whether allo-aces should or shouldn't use it; I'm simply observing its existence.

[raavenb2619]

I’m ace and somewhere on the aro spectrum, but i’m not really sure if i’m demiromantic, grey romantic or quoiromantic... I think i’m demi bc i can imagine being in a romantic relationship with someone i’m close to already, it just hasnt happened to me yet that i am attracted to anyone romantically, not even my friends, but i’m not really close to a lot of ppl so it could just be ‘cooncidence’ (part 1💚)

(Part 2💚) but it could also be that i’m greyromantic bc that would mean that i dont feel romantic attraction so often and that would make sense with why i havent felt it yet but dont think that i can’t feel romantic attraction (part three is coming)

(Part three💚) It could also be that i just have a wrong concept/no concept of what romantic attraction even is which would mean i’m quoiromantic (to my knowledge) because whenever i try to isolate what i think i would feel if i ever feel romantic attraction i kind of just picture basically friendship but with kissing/hugging/cuddling/generally more physical closeness but its never something i wouldn’t do with a close friend (oh god i’m sorry there’s going to be a part four)

(Part 4💚) Idk i dont feel like i can’t feel romantic attraction tho, i just am not sure what it is

You remind me of myself, back when I was trying to figure out my romantic orientation, so to start out, I just want to remind you, everything’s going to be okay. Figuring this stuff out can be so hard and confusing, and there might be times when the answer is staring you in the face but you can’t see it, and that’s okay. Being in a state of certainty, of questioning, of not really knowing how to describe yourself, that’s okay. Changing your label once or multiple times is okay. 

A lot of this stuff is subjective, which makes it really hard to give a clear example of what is or isn’t romantic attraction. For example, I see cuddling with my friends as platonic, but some people see cuddling with someone as romantic or sexual or both. Cuddling isn’t inherently one thing, so it’s up to your interpretation. (It can even be multiple different things. Maybe you see cuddling with some people as romantic and cuddling with other people as platonic.) That means that a definition of romantic attraction is going to be pretty circular. 

In my experience, when someone is romantically attracted to someone, they tend to daydream/fantasize about them and want to date them, kiss them, marry them, live together, and generally perform and receive romantically-coded gestures that are mutually understood and enjoyed as romantic. In short, romantic attraction is less about the specific actions and more about the surrounding context in which the people involved agree that something is romantic and enjoy it as such. It’s a little hard to tell, but I think if I felt what you picture as romantic attraction, I would classify it for myself as platonic and/or sensual attraction, since those to me involve a level of emotional and physical closeness, but never the intent or desire for anything to be contextualized as romantic. 

I can’t speak to the experience of being demiromantic, greyromantic, or quoiromantic, but I’d encourage you to seek out people of those identities and see if you can relate to their narratives and experiences. It’s worth pointing out that these terms aren’t mutually exclusive, since greyromantic can be used as an umbrella for a lot of different experiences under the aro umbrella. You’re also of course welcome to call yourself aro/aromantic/arospec/etc as an umbrella term. 

Lastly, it’s entirely possible that this is me just projecting, but you didn’t touch on the possibility of being aromantic (as a specific identity, not as an umbrella term) and simply not feeling any romantic attraction at all. You obviously know your own feelings and experiences better than I do, so there might be good reason for you to search for a different term than aromantic, but you haven’t written anything here that makes me think that you couldn’t just use “aromantic” in exactly the same way as I do, to convey that you don’t experience romantic attraction. Certainly, for me, I wouldn’t say that I feel like I “can’t” experience romantic attraction, just that I don’t experience romantic attraction. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[sazandorable]

so im gonna do that AAW meme thing! cw: tmi about aza’s thrilling life, some cringey or vaguely depressing/upsetting anecdotes, some happy things in a silly way, and fandom

1.      Sunday, 21 October:

o   Describe your experience of finding out about asexuality/the ace spectrum.  What source(s) did you find it from? How did it feel to find out about asexuality? How did it change your life?

~Sherlock BBC fandom~! /o/ Yeaaaaah.

To be precise, the kink meme, on livejournal. just a random prompt asking for something exploring the arrangement between asexual sherlock and uhhh probably john but tbh i don’t remember that. maybe Irene. I’m almost sure this was right after the Scandal in Belgravia episode had aired, and that episode was why people were playing with the idea of Sherlock being uninterested in sex.

I don’t remember my exact feelings when I read that word, but I do remember that I was delighted at the concept (+ the discussion in the same episode about falling in love outside of your sexual orientation) and immediately convinced, that I jumped into researching asexuality, and that barely a few weeks later I was very deep in contemplating and musing about my own levels of attraction and sorting out all that stuff. I do think I just instantly realized this concept applied to me; I found the AVEN site and its definitions very fast, and grey-a felt good instantly. (I found demi later, and it took me a bit longer to claim it for myself, though I don’t remember much details about that.)

Like, years later I’m very much bitter about and Over™ Sherlock BBC, its writers, and that episode in particular and their stance on the sexualities and orientations of all their characters, but... it did bring me something very precious, that it would have taken me years to find out about otherwise.

It did change my life in that this is when I realized that I really, really, really didn’t have to date, have sex, marry or whatever “one day” if I never wanted to and I wasn’t “late” on anything. Took off a lot of pressure, and also made me stop trying to dub-con myself into accepting things I didn’t actively want just because I didn’t actively hate them.

2.      Monday, 22 October:

o   Talk about your coming out experience.  Of course, one many never be finished coming out, but you could describe how you came out to friends, what reactions you have gotten, how you have felt by coming out, and more.

Mm, two:

not quite coming out, and I don’t remember how it came up, but I mentioned “ok but what about asexuality” at my mother, perhaps a year or two after finding out about it, and she just scoffed and said “that’s not a thing, it’s just being scared of sex,” and I just... froze. Blanked out. Zoned out. Possibly shook a little. This was my first first-hand experience of being just... disacknowledged, erased, denied out of existence, and I had absolutely not expected it, nor the violence of it, nor the casual quality of that violence. I couldn’t say anything in reply, and I don’t think my mother noticed anything at all.

on another hand, I once explained to a gay male friend of mine that, well, I don’t call myself a lesbian, I like girls but I don’t call my super-duper-precious-friend my girlfriend, we are extremely close but we don’t have sex or really date, I’m asexual; and his reaction was “?? THAT’S SO COOL. That fits you! I’m glad for you that you can just do whatever works for you without following conventions about relationships! Cool, great!” and that just made my day.

3.      Tuesday, 23 October:

o   Describe your experience of confronting stereotypes.  There are many stereotypes or expectations of what being on the ace spectrum is like, but of course aspec people are just as diverse as any other group.  How have you defied or corrected these stereotypes?

uuhhhhh

Mostly this happens when I talk about asexuality with people who are questioning themselves, explaining the many different flavors it can come in, that yeah you can be asexual at the same time as enjoying sex, masturbating, having fantasies, wanting to date, etc. Not so much smashing established stereotypes, more confirming that nop this thing that you think would “disqualify” you from being asexual doesn’t, actually, you still might be, you’re not “fake”.

4.      Wednesday, 24 October:

o   Talk about positive representation of aspec people in media which has benefited you or speaks to you strongly.  Aspec people are not often represented in media, so it will be nice to see which representations have the strongest impacts.

*STANDS UP, VIBRATING*

TWENTYACETEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

This year I got two cases of explicit, confirmed, canon, accurate and nuanced representation with central characters in two series that were already extremely close to my heart, and I’m so happy about it!!!!

Spoilers for both fandoms!

1) Shimanami Tasogare: a recently finished manga about LGBT community. In one of the last arcs, we learn that the very central yet mysterious character Anonymous (Dareka-san) is asexual. Like, the character says it, in full letters, and it’s discussed a lot.

Well, it’s more complicated than that, because it’s set in Japan and written in Japanese and Japan has different approaches, concepts and vocabulary around asexuality than English-language; what Anonymous initially describes might be closer to what English-language would call aromanticism. But they also later go “Am I interested in sex, or not? Who knows :)”, with their potential interest in sex represented with them reading porn magazines, and they’ve already expressed that they’re not interested in dating, so as it happens they’re probably both aro and ace (in English terms) anyway. (In the same sequence, they also explain that they might be male, or female, and generally aren’t overly concerned with how people think of them, anything works for them.)

This brings the other characters to think some more about their own desires for love, sex, relationships, human contact... There is a beautiful scene where the main character thinks that knowing this lets him finally understand Anonymous, that this must be why they are so mysterious and detached and fleeting — and Anonymous tells him point-blank that nah. They’re not just their asexuality. Don’t reduce them to that. They’re not “anonymous” because they’re asexual, and vice-versa — those are just two incidental parts of who they are. They are a full person, who just happens to be asexual, and also to enjoy being anonymous and unknown and find freedom in living their life this way.

It was just incredible to read entire chapters dedicated to a central character talking at length about their asexuality, and also how they relate, not only to straight people, but also to queer non-ace people. In the end the main character still doesn’t quite get Anonymous, and that’s how they like it.

2) The Magnus Archives: an ongoing horror podcast that’s casually LGBTQIA-friendly. (Like, a lot of horrible stuff does happen to queer people, but that’s because there’s a lot of them, and I do think that statistically more of them survive than straight people. Equal opportunity horror.) I had been toying with headcanoning the main character Jon as asexual for a variety of reasons for a while, and then in an episode that aired a few months ago a character casually mentioned that “apparently [he] just... doesn’t. At all.” Asked to elaborate, the writer confirmed on twitter that yup, he’s written as asexual (though who knows if Jon would use that word himself, he doesn’t really think about it).

I’m especially delighted because this came up, in context, because Jon has dated. At least once. We know his ex, and she is super chill with him. This reveal also comes up in the same breath as the reveal that a male character seems to have a crush on him, and IMO the show seems to hint that said character is aware that Jon doesn’t do sex, and doesn’t/wouldn’t mind this if they were to date.

Jon did start out as the usual cold, rational, unempathetic character archetype (in fact, he’s very reminiscent of BBC’s Sherlock in early episodes), but by the time this line comes up, the listener knows that he actually cares a lot and is full of emotions. He’s shown to be very, very protective of the people close to him — though also very bad at it. And at expressing it. But, still around the same time of the ace reveal, he is making deliberate efforts to communicate more and value everyone’s feelings. And of course, being the central character, he’s a veeeeery developed character with tons of evolution and nuances, and a huge fandom fave. The reveal that’s he’s asexual has changed exactly nothing in the show; but, like I said, it fits him, he read as asexual to the point that I was suspecting it despite zero real textual evidence until then.

When this episode came out and I heard that line (... I actually had missed it on first listen), I was at work, and I just started almost crying at my desk.

And then I got to go around yelling about it at my fandom friends.

... And at my non-fandom friends.

[fuzziekins]

6. What made you realize your current labels fit you?

if it’s ok i’m gonna combine this with question 10, which is when did you realize you weren’t cishet, since when i think about it i usually group the two ideas together. And because it’s a long story and i have no idea how the hell to shorten it i’ll have it under the cut.

So my current label i use is demi-whatromantic asexual [with a slight aesthetic preference toward females]. I include the aesthetic attraction in brackets because sometimes i use it and sometimes i don’t, and maybe that’s because my label in general makes attraction confusing to me or because i’m just plain obsessed with Elsa from Frozen. But because that’s a lot to explain, i usually just say i’m ace or queer. Even if people still don’t know or understand asexuality, sometimes saying i’m queer is just enough to get the point across without needing to go into a needlessly detailed explanation. And while i know everyone has their own personal feelings about queer, as a label or as a word, i like the inclusivity of it. It’s enough for people to know i’m not straight, but it also leaves the door open if people want to know more. There was no specific moment that made me realize queer can fit my just as much as demi-whatromantic asexual; just the occasional tagged queer content on tumblr and the reassurance of some posts that the community has reclaimed the word and whatever each individual’s relationship or feelings are to that word, it’s perfectly ok and valid. I’m allowed to use that word for myself if i see fit. The rest of my label is slightly different.

I figured out first that i was asexual. Except i didn’t realize it until maybe 6 or 7 years after first even seeing the word. I saw it for the first time here on tumblr with the most basic description and i just thought, ‘ok that sounds like it could be me.’ But ultimately i decided it was a problem for future me because i had school to worry about. And even after that it took some times to realize that’s what specifically fit me. And i can’t just say that i had this light bulb moment where i looked up more details about asexuality and knew it was right for me, because that feels like it negates all the steps it took to get there.

After my dad passed, art became a sore topic for me to the point where i couldn’t even enjoy it for myself. But being a creative person, i had to do something. So i put my focus into writing, specifically roleplaying, which is something i hadn’t done since college. And honestly, i wish it didn’t take that to make it the first step because i know had i been able to realize any of this sooner and gotten the chance to tell my dad, he would have been more than accepting and i really hate that’s a moment i missed out with him. Anyway, i happened on a roleplay group kind of my accident but it gave me the chance to not only revisit a couple of OC’s i created back in high school, but also create new ones. The first LGBT+ one didn’t come around for me until a year later; before then the characters i made were straight because i didn’t think much or know better. But the more i roleplayed with these characters, the more i got to explore. When i created more characters i really got to think, ok does this person have a preference?; can i imagine this character eventually in a relationship?; is it ok i just automatically think this character is a lesbian? And the first thing with that, that really hit me, was with the first OC i ever created. My online friend and i were plotting, trying to figure out which of our characters might be friends. And she had just created one similar to one of my characters. Another online friend, he shared a birthday website as kind of a joke and kind of inspiration to help with relations; there was a date compatibility thing or something on the site. It turned out to be funny because some of the characters with pre-existing relations based on that were totally accurate and others were way off. But with two specific characters my friend and i were looking at, the site said they’d make a great couple. And at that time, that particular OC of mine had gone from being hetero to simply open-minded, since she never thought of relationships before and i never particularly saw one for her. But as soon as we read that, it clicked. And not only did the plots and inspiration start coming, but it led to so much character development for my OC. A character i created in high school to basically be a one-dimensional bookworm who was now not only questioning her newfound friendship but her sexuality. And as i wrote her discovering that, i noticed i was putting some of my own tendencies into her - her awkwardness and the way she reacted to certain topics, for example. My friend commented my character was probably ace in addition to realizing she was a lesbian. I didn’t think much of it then, but that was kind of the first piece.

The second piece came in the form of the show The Bold Type. Admittedly the show hasn’t been as good since its first season, but that’s beside the point. But from the first episode we’re introduced to this one character, Kat, and in her interactions with another character you could feel the chemistry between them. And part of her arc for that first season was coming to terms with her feelings for that woman and realizing she wasn’t straight. And for me, someone who was only a few years older than her 20something year old character, that was something i didn’t know i needed to see. I’m naive, childlike, and oblivious. Even if i had known anyone who wasn’t straight up until then, i wouldn’t have noticed or asked anything. But seeing that on screen, someone in my age group who actually didn’t know who she was and was starting to figure something out about herself, it gave me permission to question. Even if that question was, why the hell am i enjoying this so much?

But what really did it for me was the show Andi Mack on Disney Channel. It was one of the few shows i actually enjoyed at the current time on Disney Channel, even though by all accounts i should’ve been done with all that ages ago [except i’m a disnerd]. And after the first season ended and season two was rapidly approaching, the big question and anticipation was in the form of a character’s coming out. Fans have been picking up that one of the characters may have been gay and were waiting for confirmation. And that confirmation came in the season two premiere. And, if memory serves, there was a reason why it was met with acclaim the way it was. The scene in question involved two characters, Buffy and Cyrus, sitting at the diner. And there was that slow build up, just knowing that Cyrus needed to tell Buffy something. And when she asked if he liked another boy, Jonah, Cyrus nodded sadly and said “I feel weird. Different.” Ultimately, she ended up promising him in the most comforting and encouraging way, “you’ve always been weird. But you’re no different.” 

And for me, even as an adult, hearing those words just made everything click. I had no idea how much it meant to hear that. I always knew i was different from other kids growing up. I was treated different. I knew i was weird. And for the most part, i accepted that. But i didn’t understand what made me so different. At that point, i had the faintest basic knowledge of a few different sexualities courtesy of creating OC’s. Only one of them, at that current point, had identified as ace by choice. And suddenly i looked deeper into the meaning of asexuality. And just about everything about it fit for me. Why i didn’t experience attraction the ‘normal’ why. A potential reason why i never had the powerful urge to date or why i pushed the idea to the side so much. It even explained my childlike nature; i’m a kid at heart, but knowing that a “stereotypical” ace is someone who is naive, childlike, etc, it made sense why that was such a huge factor in my personality. Because i was a stereotypical ace. I told one of my best friends about a month later, and then i think 3 or 4 months after that, i posted on my Instagram about being ace. It’s felt right ever since.

Sometimes i do get specific and say i’m a s-x repulsed ace, because the topic really makes me that uncomfortable. But even if i don’t use it out loud all the time i know, as far as the asexual umbrella goes, that’s exactly specifically what fits me. So since hearing “you’ve always been weird, but you’re no different” and learning the full definition of asexuality, that’s what made me realize that fits me.

As far as my romantic orientation goes, it’s more of a grey area and sometimes i still struggle with it. While i’ve openly identified as asexual officially for two and a half years, i’ve had my romantic label for maybe no more than 6 months. When i read that asexuals can be anything from heteromantic to gay to bi to aro...basically anything...originally it felt like there were so many possibilities open. It made me feel good to know that i could basically be anything. But it also made me terrified because how the hell was i supposed to know? Now that i knew my asexuality basically screwed up my attraction to begin with, i also had to admit that it took a lot for me to get close to people to begin with. And, even more so, since my dad passed, the wall i already had up became bigger and stronger. I felt for a time like i lost a lot of support during that dark period and the last thing i wanted to do was let new people, or anyone in.

The obvious answer was that i was probably, if anything, demiromantic. Because if it took so much for me to open up to actual friends in the first place, to get close with them and develop a friendly bond, how much more time, effort, and energy would it take to get close to someone romantically? I thought about using that label for a little bit, but it didn’t fit. And, as someone who feels her emotions so strongly, powerfully, and, to a point, near uncontrollably, i questioned what the hell could be wrong with me that i couldn’t knowingly feel a basic romantic attraction? Aromantic was probably much more accurate, but from what i recall reading online, it’s also perfectly normal for anyone who is aspec to feel broken or like there’s something wrong with them because they’re missing something so “important”. And especially when i already hated so much about myself, finally feeling comfortable with myself about one thing - my asexuality - and knowing that it was right for me and that there wasn’t anything wrong with me about that, the last thing i wanted was to put myself down and feel more shame about who i was. 

I think it was sometime last last year, in 2019, that i first started seeing the word quoiromantic pop up. I think it was on one of the LGBT+ blogs i follow, or maybe an asexual or aromantic specific one. And another word for quoiromantic is whatromantic, since quoi means what. What is romantic attraction? What’s the difference between that, aesthetic attraction, and sexual attraction? What makes someone know they feel that specific attraction? And as someone who naturally asks “what?” or “what’s that?” albeit jokingly, it felt plausible. And it felt like a reasonable explanation for why i really didn’t know anything for sure. Because, even when i tried to think back to when i was in school, did i ever really feel attraction? Was it so faint i didn’t even recognize it? Was i mixing it up with maybe platonic attraction? I had no fricking clue. Simply saying “what” summed it up so simply for me.

I don’t include anything gender related in my label. As far as i know, i’m cis. My body is female and, to my knowledge, i’m comfortable enough that i don’t think i need to identify as anything else, save for really not being comfortable in dresses or heels. But if someone called me dude instead? I don’t care. I use dude as a term for everyone regardless of gender (unless someone tells me otherwise for the sake of their personal comfort). My gender doesn’t feel like something that needs to be changed or defined, unlike my sexual and romantic orientations.

When i saw my whole label together, i think about it, and i connect all the dots, it makes sense for me. Sure, i could simply say whatromantic asexual and leave it at that. But whether it’s platonically or maybe it really does have the faintest connection to romantic attraction and it’s so faint and confusing i wouldn’t know it if it slapped me across the face, keeping demi felt right. Quoi- or whatromantic, to my current still-baby LGBT+ knowledge, is generally seen as a microlabel. It’s something under the aromantic umbrella that is so super specific that a lot of people wouldn’t understand why it needs to exist. It exists to bring a sense of comfort. And that’s exactly what it does for me. It’s the main romantic label for me while demi serves as the microlabel. And ultimately, as someone who has the overwhelming need to always explain themself, i want to have a label that encompasses everything. Even if i don’t always explain my identity or simply say i’m queer, i want to know the details for my sake. 

And i think ultimately, the more i say it to myself in my head, and think of all the ways i may have to explain it to people, the more i know it fits me. 

[my-name-is-quin]

@enby-lord

Yes, I am aroace. More specifically, grey-aroace. That means I'm grey-aro and grey-ace.

Greyromantic

Greyromantic or grey-aromantic (also spelled as grayromantic or gray-aromantic) is a romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum which describes those who relate with aromanticism, yet feel that there are parts of their experience that aren't fully described by the word aromantic. Greyromantic can be used as a specific identity, or as an umbrella term for other specific identities.

A common reason someone may identify as greyromantic is that they experience romantic attraction but very infrequently. Some greyromantic people may only feel romantic attraction once or twice in their life. Others may experience it more frequently, but still not as frequently as alloromantic people.

Some greyromantic experiences may include:

Experiencing romantic attraction infrequently.

Experience romantic attraction very weakly.

Feeling romantic attraction but not desiring a romantic relationship.

Feeling unsure about how to identify romantic attraction or how to draw the line between romantic and non-romantic, and consequently feeling unsure about having experienced it or not.

Experiencing attraction that is only ambiguously romantic.

Feeling alienated from romance.

Feeling attraction only in specific circumstances.

Finding aromanticism a useful idea, even if it isn't a perfect fit.

Greysexual

Greysexual or grey-asexual (also spelled graysexual or gray-asexual) is a sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum, referring to those who relate with asexuality, yet feel that there are parts of their experience that aren't fully described by the word asexual. Greysexual can be used as a specific identity, or as an umbrella term for any ace-spec identity that isn't purely asexual, including demisexual and others.

A common reason someone may identify as greysexual is that they experience sexual attraction but very infrequently. Some greysexual people may only feel sexual attraction once or twice in their life. Others may experience it more frequently, but still not as frequently as allosexual people.

Some greysexual experiences may include:

Experiencing sexual attraction infrequently.

Experience sexual attraction very weakly.

Feeling uncertain about whether they experience sexual attraction.

Feeling alienated from sexuality.

Finding asexuality a useful idea, even if it isn't a perfect fit.

I use grey-aroace because I'm in the aroace spectrum for sure. I'm just not sure if I'm demi, cupio, lithio, or the other labels used by ace/aro people. I may be demi, but I like the freedom of these labels. I can experience romantic/sexual attraction in a limited sense. I have trouble knowing if it is sexual, romantic, or aesthetic attraction.

In addition, I'm not against the idea of marriage or dating... At least I don't think. I like the idea of a QPR/QPP. A marriage that's platonic where I live happily with someone for the rest of my life. I don't want to live all alone. I at least want a roommate?

Also, I like the idea of dating. But I feel sick everytime I've tried it. I'm not sure if its me being repulsed or my anxiety. Things like that get confusing.

My anxiety complicates my attraction. Dating and marriage terrify me. But is that repulsion from romance? Is it anxiety? Both? Neither? I'm not sure. My anxiety medication also complicates things. It's known to lower sexual attraction. However, I thought I was probably ace even before I started the medication. But is the medication influencing my attraction? Probably?

TL;DR. My attraction is messy. I use grey-aroace because I'm not sure what attraction I feel, if any. I like the idea of dating, but it makes me feel sick. I like the idea of marriage, but not the way most people do. My anxiety also complicates my attraction.

“I now pronounce you husband and broom”

[afearing]

since apparently theres no consequences for delivering unto this website extremely long and good takes i will present to you my hot take on the ace d'escourse, with no sources because I Dont Feel Like It. its more words than is reasonable bc i have been stewing in this for like 4 years and if i dont type it out at some point im going to fucking lose it. no, literally, it’s 3 pages long in word about shit no one cares about anymore. please remember to like and subscribe.

some background on me, i id’d as ace for something like 8 years, from the first time i read the wikipedia page on it back in maybe 2009 or thereabouts. i also id’d as aro for about a year in 2016. that is to say, i have a lot of compassion and understanding for asexual individuals and feel i understand the inclusionist side of the argument pretty well, as i never questioned inclusionism until maybe 2014 or so, when the discourse blew up. i took some time off tumblr because i was so fucking distraught to think that, as i id’d as aroace at the time, that i had to come to terms with not being lgbt. lol i was a little too attached to being ‘gay’ because... fun fact, past dumbass self... you are gay. anyway, i really dont want anyone to feel that i hate them, but after i cooled off a little bit i realized that the exclusionist take on asexuality just makes more sense. hopefully i can explain why clearly enough.

i really believe that what is understood as aphobia is 100% of the time simply a manifestation of our culture’s expectations surrounding sexuality. while “expectations surrounding sexuality” as a very broad topic does indeed cover both the lgbt community and people on the ace spectrum, facing these issues does NOT make a person lgbt. i subscribe to the idea that lgbt is for people targeted directly by homophobia and transphobia. ace issues ARE super important to talk about and the whole inclus/exclus nonsense is entirely because this discourse has been put under the wrong category. im aware that probably most people will not care that much about my opinion on the correct framing of asexual activism as i no longer id as ace but i think this is important for everyone. sexual expectations also weigh on straight individuals, especially women, and i’m going to describe a few examples to try to demonstrate why i believe both that it doesn’t make sense to consider asexuality lgbt as well as why it does make sense to frame it as an issue based mainly in misogyny.

call out post for myself, i use reddit, and i think the r/childfree community is a good example of what i think the framing should be like. although it’s acknowledged that not wanting children has larger social consequences for women, both men and women talk about their issues in the forum, including horrific accounts of reproductive coercion and rape, the intersections with race/being lgbt/ageism (although they could do a LOT better with intersectionality, many posters do touch upon it), profoundly cruel comments made by those who have/want children, difficulty finding an understanding relationship partner, discrimination at work, misunderstandings and even hatred from family and acquaintances, discrimination in healthcare, etc.

i think you can tell where i’m going with this. even though being childfree cuts against the expectations for sexuality in most societies, even though it leads to unfair judgment from others, and even though they face discrimination on the basis of the way they express their sexuality, childfree people do NOT frame parenthood/childfreedom as an axis of oppression, nor do they claim that their lack of desire for children makes them lgbt. it’s not even a question if straight childfree people are straight, because duh? nor if the presence of lgbt childfree people makes the whole community fall under the lgbt umbrella, because it obviously doesn’t.

to drive the point home, the reason why this is NOT an axis of oppression is because parents face a ton of issues as well! they also face reproductive coercion as well as judgment over the number of kids they have, constant scrutiny and moralization over every aspect of their parenthood style, judgment based on parents’ age/wealth/sexuality/marital or dating status/race, housing and employment discrimination, especially for mothers, the government hating poor parents and cutting their benefits, and more i’m sure i’m not thinking of. again, this is due to societal expectations of sexuality. to complete the analogy, people who aren’t ace face their own set of challenges and discrimination. part of homophobia/biphobia is tinged with hatred of our sexual attraction; no one except for straight white men is allowed to really express their sexuality without backlash, and even then there is this shame leading to a lack of proper sex ed and horribly unhealthy understandings of sexual attraction in a large portion of the populace. so calling aphobia an axis of oppression is just not right. and in addition, the large proportion of lgbt aces doesn’t make asexuality lgbt, that’s not how groups work.

some more on what i mean by ‘expectations around sexuality’... in terms of my experience in the US, there is some blueprint in many people’s minds of what a person should be like in terms of sexuality, and that is something like “cishet, abled man, who is neither ace nor aro, who gets laid regularly (but not to excess) starting no later than 18 and ending no later than 28 when he settles down with one cishet abled wife, also neither ace nor aro, who has only had sex with up to three committed boyfriends, and they have precisely two children, approximately two years apart in age, whom the parents can financially and emotionally support to the utmost, because they are also moderately to very well off, and the parents work under traditional gender roles to raise their children as conventionally as possible.” and if you deviate from this script in ANY way that’s viewed with moral panic and scrutiny by someone. and the connection to misogyny is that women are seen as sort of the bastions of sexual morality. we are punished especially harshly for nonconformity.

if you’re poor you’re fucked because either you don’t have kids or you can’t send them off to private schools and feed them fancy organic shit. if you’re lgbt or polyamorous or aro or ace? fucked! if you dare to reproduce as a disabled person, and if your disability impacts your parenthood, especially for women, you’re practically crucified even in liberal circles. if you have too few kids or too many (don’t you know only kids turn out weird? / how can you possibly raise 5 children properly?), if you have too much sex or too little, if you split up the work in your relationship not along gender lines, if you do unconventional things in your parenthood, like accept your trans kids or move a lot or any number of other things, the social judgment rains down like the fires of fucking hell. meaning practically no one can escape it!! huge bonus to the screaming crowd with pitchforks if you’re a person of color or a woman, mega ultra bonus to women of color.

but does that make everyone i just talked about lgbt? no! although every single one of the groups i mentioned is tangentially related through this issue, even though all of them face a lot of horrible problems and discrimination, that does not make those issues inherently lgbt. again, they are tangentially related and i could see a good case for solidarity among many of the groups mentioned; all of them are fighting for greater acceptance of different kinds of relationships, greater acceptance of seeking happiness and being who you are rather than pressuring everyone to conform as much as possible to the LifeScript. but all of those groups are equally related to the lgbt community - that is, tangentially only. just as you can be childfree and straight, a stay-at-home dad and straight, a straight woman of color, so too can you be polyamorous and straight, ace and straight, or aro and straight.

that’s it for my main point. ace and aro people? your lives are hard. i’m not going to downplay it in any way because i know there are a lot of people who actually hate your guts. fuck, i’ve seen people full-on shittalk asexuality, in the internet and real life, in the most blatant of ways, so it’s not just something you can necessarily escape by logging off. not as much so for aro people tbh but i predict as much once the Public gets more wind of your existence. i fully believe that you face a higher risk of sexual assault; discrimination in relationships, housing, and the workplace; horrible comments from everyone who thinks their shitty opinion on your sexuality and love life matters; and I believe you that that hurts and is terrible and that you deserve a place to discuss and provide support.

but. those issues are not exclusive to you. they’re not exclusive to lgbt people, or oppressed people, and so those issues don’t and cannot make you lgbt, nor do they make ace/aro vs. allo an axis of oppression. our communities intersect, yes, considerably, but you are not a subset of lgbt. perhaps our rhetoric can help you, but because straight ace and aro people exist you cannot and should not consider yourselves lgb+. i think you understand that the issues you face are a form of oppression, but they are the result of the toxic and misogynistic sex culture in this society, which, yes, targets lgbt people but also, practically everyone, including groups which are definitively absolutely not inherently lgbt, such as parents, gnc straight people, poc, disabled people, the list goes on.

to conclude, what really converted me to being an ace exclusionist was the example of a straight grey or demi ace. how could you possibly argue that someone who falls in love with the opposite gender only, but with more conditions or less frequently than someone not aspec, is lgb+, can call themselves queer, etc.? exactly what material reality does that person share with a gay or bi person? i think that their issues fall in line with aspec community issues but extremely clearly not at all with lgbt ones. 

the end but post script since i brought up orientation modifiers: perhaps it isn’t my place to say, but i don’t think that microlabels are very healthy and that it would make more sense for the ace community to work on expanding the idea of what sexuality is than to try to create a label to describe every single person’s experience of their sexuality. not that i think you should necessarily kick grey ace people out of the aspec community or that they’re not valid or whatever, but that perhaps it makes more sense to say that some people experience sexual attraction less frequently, and that’s alright. i don’t know.  i spent sophomore year of high school poring over those mogai blogs looking for some new orientation label that would make me go like, oh my god that’s me! and believing that if those labels helped people feel that way they weren’t doing any harm. but what actually finally made me feel like that was expanding my understanding of what attraction is and a better conception of lesbian issues and why i might feel so disconnected from my sexuality and why i might be obsessing over every interaction with a guy looking for signs i was attracted to him but feel super disgusted whenever they exhibited interest in me. i spent so long trying to go like maybe im cupioromantic lithsexual and feeling terrified that that i had such a weird and esoteric sexuality that no one could ever possibly understand enough to be in a relationship with me... like, ok dyke! i know a lot of people have had similar experiences and i don’t think i know a whole ton of people now in college who are still doing that, which makes me think those labels are more harmful than not. 

i guess that’s anecdotal but it’s easier for me to believe that a person could cling to those labels due to internalized homophobia than actually have a new form of sexuality heretofore undiscovered throughout all human history, but that’s just me. and so many of them just sound so unhealthy, like dreadsexual. i really wish people would work on expanding what not being asexual can mean and look like and i dont think there would be this drive to create these labels anymore. even demisexual which i think is probably the most mainstream conditional orientation, i think many people who have never heard of it and are perfectly content not to would describe the way they experience sexuality a similar way and just consider it normal. sexual attraction isn’t necessarily having your nethers set aflame upon first making eye contact with someone, it looks different for every person and it’s alright to just be how you are without making it part of your whole identity.

The End II. this is 2,200 words. if you read this far you’re a fucking mad l- *the academy cuts my mic line while looking directly at the camera like in the office*