#me: i don't write fandom essays

[sojourner-between-worlds]

The funny thing about me making two separate posts within the same hour about Lockwood's death wish yesterday is that I had all the dots and I was so close and yet completely just... did not fully connect them. So here's the follow up no one asked for.

Because there is something to be said for the fact that Lockwood was the best able to resist the call of the void on the Other Side. And I was right: he manages this both despite AND because of his loose ties to the Living World.

This is contrary to the expected. His family is all gone and he can't see the meaning in their deaths. Le Belle Dame snares him so easily because of this. It would be so easy for him to let go and join his family, and really what's the point in staying alive anyway? Except that he finds out his parents' deaths weren't meaningless, and he gives meaning to his sister's.

His ties to the Living World are weak after losing his entire family. This doesn't necessarily change when he finds the meaning; they're still gone and he's still alive, and the grief still lingers even if there is purpose in it now. He should feel the pull more than (or, at the very least, the same as) the others. But that's not what happens because he's used to it. He's used to feeling the pull of death. That's not to say the void didn't affect him at all, of course; turning away still wasn't an easy feat. But the pull is less because its always there and he's always fighting it. In a twisted sort of way, his own desire for death is exactly what made him more immune to its influence.

Despite this, it would still have been easy for him to let go. But he doesn't. He's found meaning in death and so he turns away because he knows there is meaning in life still, too.

[epitaph-echoes]

I wanted to go on a bit of a ramble about Misa so like

I've been seeing this sentiment recently about people expressing frustration over people ignoring Misa's wrongdoings and painting her as an innocent angel who never did any wrong. And you are all correct to point out the fact that yes, she very much DID do things wrong. The sentiment that she is pure and innocent is very much factually incorrect. She DID stalk Light and coerce her into dating him. She killed people. I just wanted to throw in my two cents on her real quick.

BUT I also want to point out that I kind of see people's love for her as almost a rebellion against the early days of the fandom. As a shonen series, a lot of the content and discussions around it were being had by anime dudebros. To add on, we KNOW how bad Ohba is about writing women. How many sexist undertones there are in all of his work. He himself has admitted with no shame that he cannot write women. (Which as a professional author should make you feel shame tbh but I digress)

When I was first getting into the fandom, Misa was pretty widely disliked as a character. The people that did like her were very much sexualizing her. The sentiment was that she was a dumb blonde bimbo unworthy amongst the genius of Light and L. There was SO much bashing of her. That came from fans that weren't the typical dudebro as well. This was peak shaming girly "shallow" girls era. The not like other girls era. I think this definitely played a role in at least some fans, now that the fandom is more chill, latching onto her as she was definitely treated pretty badly and people wanted to avenge her. Or people wised up more and thought more critically about her as a character. I think over time, that protectiveness over her, along with the somewhat humorous nature of it, morphed into the "uwu she did nothing wrong" narrative.

Additionally, I kinda have some thoughts on her as a character. I am not excusing her bad actions, maybe moreso rambling about my understanding of them.

She witnessed her family being murdered. This is stated to have happened a year before the series starts, so she was like? 16? 17? Understandably a very traumatic experience. She had to see the killer being allowed to walk free, her word, her testimony, not mattering. The man who took everything from her was allowed to walk with no repercussion while she had to live with that trauma. When Kira (aka Light) killed that man, avenged her family, it is understandable that she would form this odd parasocial relationship with him. She was mentally unstable enough to start with, griefstruck and seeing Kira as the one who helped her gain some faith in the world again.

To add onto that, she was also stalked by an obsessed fan, who after being rejected, was going to kill her. She was only saved by the sacrifice of Gelus, thus gaining the death note herself.

I see her as not an innocent angel who did nothing wrong, but as a deeply damaged young woman who had no agency in the world before this. Being hurt by multiple men, living in Japanese society which we know isn't very supportive of women in general. She finally gained some power, a way to protect herself in this world. And she saw the person, who helped her at her darkest, unbeknownst to himself, as her saviour.

Yes, she was absolutely not in the right for starting to kill people, yes she was absolutely wrong for stalking Light and forcing him to date her. I just wanted to ramble about her a little bit and give my silly little thoughts on her. I love her as a character, I can see WHY she is why she is. And it is absolutely okay to dislike her for those things! It is absolutely okay to criticize her actions because they are not okay. And yes I also believe her character missed a lot of the depth some of the other characters had simply because she was written by a misogynistic author. When I say she deserves better, I mean that she deserved MUCH better writing. But also Light is NOT innocent in their relationship either. I hope we can all still agree on that.

[chaos0pikachu]

MAME is the tiffany "new york" pollard of the BL industry, in this essay I will...

[rorybluez]

Do you ever think the reason behind Once-ler's huge-ass shirt collar is not, in fact, just an unfortunate design choice, but rather a thoughtful reference to the "white collar crime" saying huh. I mean: "crime of deceit to obtain or avoid losing money or to gain a business advantage"? Yeah sounds 'bout right, it's THIS mf

his suit's proportions are silly, but they can also be pretty clever if you're delulu enough

with 110% confidence it was probably brought up before,,, but yeahhhh

[beanghostprincess]

When Robin was first introduced, she had been working with Crocodile in Alabasta for the past several years, so I could understand her skin tone being a little lighter than it used to be, but not this bad.

It's extremely fucked up. I would understand the "it was an animation error" argument if it wasn't because it happens with all the characters (not only Robin) and they're whiter and whiter each episode (even the characters that should be black).

If we follow irl reasoning as you say, then all of them should be tanned because they're pirates. They're constantly under the sun. But no, they go backward and instead, they lack melanin every episode. It was already bad, but Egghead fucked up big time.

And don't get me started on Usopp because people could use that excuse on any other character, but Usopp?? I truly, really, don't think it takes too much thinking to get that he's black and Toei just keeps making him paler than Sanji. It's ridiculous and racist and people who ignore it or say it's been talked "too much" (because people say it and apparently there's a limit for them as to how much you can complain about racism) always get on my nerves.

What Toei is doing is just disgusting and people defending it are always the ones who refuse to see any mistakes in the things they like. News flash! You can like something and admit it has mistakes.

[zukkaoru]

the disparity in kudos between a skk fic and a fic for literally any other bsd characters/ship :/

[purple8cat]

I THOUGHT THIS PART FROM VNC CHAPTER 62 LOOKED FAMILIAR

i mean they're not. the exact same but they are very similar to each other!!

Also this could just be me but I feel like that these two have a lot of parallels. Break's family are the Rainsworths, who are not his biological family. Johann's family is Dante and Riche, who also not his biological family.

When someone they care about dies/gets threaten their first instinct is murder. When the Sinclairs died Break killed 116 people to bring them back, and when he thought Reim had been permanently dead he killed Fang. When Vanitas had threaten to kill Dante, Johann told him that he'll kill him if he meddles with his family.

Another thing they have in common is that there both, how do I put this, angry in some way/some point in their life? Break had been bitter and depress after returning from the Abyss but then learned to smile again because of Shelly. Johann... Okay, I can't say much about Johann because not much has been revealed about him yet BUT he definitely is sketchy!! With how the Dhampirs are treated it wouldn't be far off to say he would be angry at the world/society. He also has been shown to not like Noé much. Johann has also been shown to be very protective of Dante and Riche, so it's possible that he could've been similar to how Break had acted in the past, and now has something to live for and would do ANYTHING to protect it.

Another thing I'm just now realizing and probably should've brought up first but they have similar vibes/atmospheres. Though Johann is more flirtatious and Break is more... Weird. I guess. Eccentric, if you want a fancy word. They're also have this whole... How do I explain it? They're good at observing/analyzing things is I guess the best way to explain it?

I think I'm gonna stop there, there was something else I kind of wanted to talk about but I think it was a little bit of a stench fkdjgfjdf. I could be wrong about some of these, I didn't mean to write this much so basically all of it I wrote on a whim. Whatever my brain thought of I wrote down which resulted in this (which reading over it might be noticeable considering this post is kinda a mess kgjkfjgjfj). There's also the fact that some of the Johann stuff was just speculation, which could 100% be wrong. But I do think some of it I'm right about!!

[monstersinthecosmos]

i feel like slightly younger than marius mael is the best just for flavor reasons lol. reeaally curious to know what you think

I think I usually land on slightly younger but not like a baby. Like early 30s maybe. BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOME THOUGHTS OF WHY I LIKE EACH OR WHY EACH COULD WORK:

Under 30: First of all because of Jesse's chapter in QOTD--Maharet was turned around age 20 I think? And for Jesse, I'm sure there's that sort of uncanny thing where your mind fills in blanks and makes excuses, like, her "aunt" has been around her whole life so like gee golly I guess she just looks young for her age! Except that there's like the vampire uncanniness too, so whatever you judge as an age doesn't super matter. So like, Mael blending in as one of her guy friends in his early 20s would make sense. Jesse DOES also clock him as not being human, so again I think the uncanniness might not make her peg either of them as a certain age.

I do worry if this clashes with the idea that he could properly be a priest? Caesar said that it takes 20 years to train a priest, but A) A lot of what Caesar said is like anti-Keltoi propaganda and might not be accurate since the Druids famously never left anything in writing, so there's very little first hand information about them. B) MAYBE IT'S OKAY BECUASE IN VC-VERSE TESKHAMEN IS REAL AND MAEL WAS REALLY COMMUNING WITH HIM SO IF THERE WAS LIKE MAGIC AFOOT IN THE COMMUNITY MAYBE HE GOT FAST TRACKED OR RESPECTED AS BEING SPECIAL IDK. I can work with it and make excuses lol.

I LOVE the idea of him being like a young man because of how much madder that would make Marius, plus the way he likes to mentor young blonde men lol. But it might like hurt him even worse if the author of all his misfortunate is like SOME KID.

In his 30s: Personally I usually land here because I DO wonder how long it takes him to gain status in his community and become a priest (in his 30s is still fast tracking it but maybe feels more plausible LOL) and I enjoy the idea of he and Marius being sort of similar to each other. Like, Marius often gets used as the example of Turning an Older Guy and what it means for his temperament and the way it translates to his immortality. I like imagining Mael as around Marius's age for that reason, like I want to remove all his excuses why Mael is a young stupid kid or even an old salty jerk--it forces Marius to confront that Mael is ALSO someone who is chill and smart and has had enough life experience. BUT WHILE THERE'S A WINDOW WHERE THEY COULD BE SIMILAR IN AGE, OR MAEL COULD BE A TAD OLDER, I ALSO STILL ENJOY MARIUS BEING LIKE "HE'S YOUNGER THAN ME I HATE THIS!" BECAUSE HIS AGE AND SELF-PERCEIVED WISDOM & EXPERIENCE ARE IMPORTANT TO HIS IDENTITY AND HE FEELS BELITTED LOL.

In his 40s: Makes sense for the above reason! But I like to skew younger personally just for the Marius ageism dynamic lol. Also there's something about him being a foil to Marius where like, if they're very similar in other ways it can kind of emphasize how their atheism/religion contrasts each other and affects them as people.

Over 50: ALSO POSSIBLE and it's hilarious bc in the audiobook the narrator reads him like such a grouchy old man lmao. I could see this causing a lot of resentment because Marius likes to be the oldest and wisest in the room. I could see him also being younger because Marius insults him every chance he gets and I just think he would've told us that Mael is like an old hag if it were true lol. Anyway wondering how this effects Marius's barbarian kink and how he submits to men.

[lyrichi]

Falling

Hey guyys!!! so erm I found some of my old writing and was lowkey tweaking over it so.... lololol posting time!!

~1k words and there might be mistakes, this is also supposed to be sanegiyu but no names are mentioned so go off chat <33

I used to think he hated me. Hated the world and cursed its creations for existing in his presence. I thought that he would go to bed praying for my downfall. For the downfall of humanity; of life, the natural order. 

The look in his eyes had said it all. Blank and cold, a vat of forgotten emotions that only became more distant as the days went on, voids that went on for a millennia. 

When we spared, his expressions changed slightly, and I liked that. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't bring life into his eyes. I would often catch myself wanting to stare endlessly into the grayish expanse of them, wondering how bright the blue was, hidden behind that greyish hue. 

When we argued, his eyes pushed further. They pushed away from me, yet pushed for me to look deeper; to find the chest of suppressed emotions locked away in the far corners of his mind. 

When we sat together, he almost looked hollow. He was a husk of whoever his former self was. He would sip at his tea quietly and stare holes into the table, refusing to make conversation. I wouldn’t have been able to speak with him without blurting out something I would have regretted. 

I had always had a hundred questions to ask him. About his long dark hair, his clothing, the way he held himself.

His confidence had infuriated me. I wanted to know more about him and why he would utter words that placed him above the rest of us. Why he would isolate himself and refuse to interact with anyone. Why he would refuse to look us in the eye. Why he wouldn’t cooperate. 

I found myself wanting to know him. To be his friend. 

I started noticing the little things about him. The way his hair would sway softly when he walked ahead of me. The way he would grip his sleeves when he didn’t know what to say. The way he would blush at any complement. 

I would find myself staring at him. Admiring him, adoring the smallest of things that he would do. His eyes would light up at the animals we passed on the street, a ghost of a smile on his face. 

His happiness was contagious. 

I wanted more of it. I wanted him to be happy. 

I soon found myself hanging out with him. Taking him to his favorite restaurants, watching his favorite movies, visiting his favorite stores. He would always refuse to let me pay for him. 

I insisted of course. Watching the subtle changes in his stoic exterior was a more than fair trade. I had wanted to get a reaction out of him for years now, and I had just managed to wedge my way into his emotions.

I grew fond of him in a way that I never thought I would. I wanted to to see more of him. The way he cried, the way he laughed, the way he slept. I wanted to be with him forever.

I had no way of knowing if he felt the same way. I had made so much progress, and I wasn't going to ruin it.

Days turned to weeks. Weeks to months. My fondness had mirrored that of a crush developed in elementary school.

I couldn't help but feel weak to him. To the way his eyes softened at the sight of me.

I wanted to bottle his hopes and fears into a mason jar. Keep them for myself to look at like a cocooning butterfly. I could feel myself marveling at each crumb of vulnerability I could get from him.

I still hated him. I really did. I hated when he would retreat back into his shell. I hated when his eyes became just as distant as before. I hated when he would close himself off to other people around us.

I couldn't help but fall.

It was hard to admit at first. But I loved him. It was a love that transcended boundaries and imperfections.

I loved when the weight of the world seemed to lift from his shoulders and he would allow himself to live. I saw glimpses of a soul so beautifully broken, a beautiful stain-glass painting installed in the front and center of the most intricate cathedral.

He was a puzzle I couldn't solve. Layers upon layers to his complexities, each one more intricate than the last. I wanted to unravel him, ruin and tear apart is stoic front. I had never liked that part of him anyway.

So, I remained with him, subtly wedging myself further into his life. We shared countless moments together – laughter, tears, whispered secrets in the dead of night.

There was always a lingering part of him that remained distant. I couldn't pry it out of him no matter how hard I had tried. The layers around his heart had solidified with years of solitude.

I had begun to realize that his hate for the world was only that of a mirror. It was himself who he hated. He kept me at an arms-length.

I wanted to be the one he let in.

I wanted to hold his hands and kiss him.

I wanted him to see himself the way I saw him.

The change in him was subtle. Like a sunflower following the sun's path through the sky. He would smile. He would engage in conversation. He would stare right back at me.

We were laying next to each other in the dead of night when I had spoke my truth to him. I thought he was asleep, lying by my side with his head resting on the soft pillow to my right. He had his arm draped over my chest, his legs curled up loosely near my own.

I had looked over at him, an endearing smile appearing on my face at the pure sight of him. I couldn't keep it to myself, it had come out in the domesticity of the moment.

Those three endearing words falling from my lips in a soft whisper.

"I love you."

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

blog update: how i'm gonna handle uncomfy episodes

after about 18 hours of deliberation, consulting the loyal readers of this blog, and some internal reflection, i have decided to move forward with my previous policy regarding episodes that i deem... uncomfy. this policy is to comment upon the things i liked within the ep rather than take you upon my typical play-by-play reaction to each and every moment.

(lots of episodes have jokes or elements that have aged poorly, which i usually will note in my breakdown, but this is gonna be for stuff that from start to finish is like. damn, why did they air this?)

i do feel there is importance in talking about harmful media depictions of heavy themes and how it could have been done better- and perhaps someday we can circle back to that, because i've saved all my notes from this episode just like all of the others. it could someday culminate in something really interesting- i could see a full-fledged academic article emerging. but, as i run this blog as a little fun time post at the end of the day ritual, i don't feel the amount of energy i put into a blog post could capture the nuances and the lengths to which i feel it deserves to be analyzed and critiqued.

so basically: i won't rule out writing something on episodes like 01x14 or 02x11 in the future, but for now we're gonna stick with the highlight reel method. that isn't to say i'm ignoring the ~problematic~ elements of the media i consume- instead, i am saying that we should have that conversation in a different setting than a casual play-by-play update of each episode.

and did i overthink this all to hell and back? well, maybe! but isn't that what you've come to expect here at mulders-too-large-shirt? op getting a little too invested in everything? it's part of my charm, i'm told!

so thanks to all for understanding and coming along! i love running this account and reading all the responses, it makes me sososo happy

[fluxweeed]

hey. hope this message doesn't bother you. I love you. I love your work. you are one of my favorite fic authors, I am absolutely obsessed with everything you write. reread everything ten times over, drarry or not, fluffy or angsty - even when it absolutely shatters my heart (e.g. for lack of wanting, SUCH a great fic btw i'm so obsessed with it). the four doors? life changing. two to lie and one to listen? engraved into my brain for eternity. what's mine is yours? what a ride holy shit, im VERY normal about it. wrapped? my comfort read. and so it goes.

if I could aggressively smother you with kudos and love I WOULD!!!

awhile ago you said that there's no such thing as "big deals" in fandom and I 100% agree but at the same time you are a big deal TO ME!!! not in the sense of any kind of hierarchy but purely based on the fact that I think you are such a cool person and your writing is amazing and poignant and your presence in fandom makes it so much better. it's been a pleasure following you here on tumblr and just reading your tags and posts.

idk I just think you rule. that's it. thank you for hanging with us. MWAH 💛

ahhhh anon sorry for leaving this message sitting in my inbox for a couple of days but !! i have zero idea how to react to this!! you're so kind!! thank you!! please discard any and all inclinations u have that i am a cool person bc i can assure you i am NOT!!

[moghedien]

like I have to admit that I still don't actually 100% know what people mean by meta

like I broadly get the idea of it but like the specifics are lost on me

because sometimes I'm just yapping to myself on tumblr.com and people will reblog it like "wot meta" and I'm like "but i'm just talking about stuff what"

and then I see like long ass "meta posts" and I'm like...."this is an essay?"

[lambcow]

Elsa from Frozen (2013) is a Lesbian

In this essay I will -

[keiicom]

why does park taejoon have to write women like that 💀💀💀

like. listen. I've been reading Lookism for the past two years. I enjoy reading it. I don't love it, but it's entertaining and (most of the time) I can tell what's going on. I think some of the characters are nice, and root for them. Having said that.

It sooooo doesn't pass the Bechdel test 😭😭😭 and having none of the girls be plot relevant, PLUS having 99% of them be shit at fighting (except Mary and Sophia my zero screen time queens) or actively becoming liabilities/being the damsel in distress, PLUS drawing them Like That is just. pick a struggle bro 😭

somebody needs to tell him women have ribs too 💀

[fictionadventurer]

&

[pumpkinrootbeer]

people hate s11 lip but like.

I get it.