#me when i lied about going to sleep
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What about hms in your favorite movie or show? (Art req)
i saw the tv glow...
yeah ok i know i literally just watched it last night but its my fav now,,,shhh (just in case,,,spoilers below !)
mainly based off of this part !!
i have,,,reasons as to why i drew mind in this scene but i am sad to say that i have NO idea how to put into words my thought process so ur gonna have to trust me (or if you really want to know just ask and ill try my best ToT)
what i CAN say though is that:
this drawing would be right after the juno incident
transfem mind (hell yeah)
dissociation/derealization/depression of mind
masking (?)...yes
ok done rambling maybe,,,i liked this movie. i am never watching it again. highly recommend it. ouch.
#chonny jash#angelo tag#angelo asks#me when i lied about going to sleep#i knew that if i didnt post this i would wake up tomorrow and judge it harsh#cries#okay goodnight for real this time#WAIT ONE MORE THING those pink scribbles on minds body are stretch marks okay good night
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Guys I'm tweaking I wanna draw I WANNA DRAW ANGST SO BADDDDD
Trying my best to post in order so the timeline makes sense but oughh the urge to just... take my pants off and show the raw angst is GRRRRRR MY EYES ARE TWITCHINGGG!!!
#legit my eye twitched when I was typing this#or maybe thats the lack of sleep catching up to me#been rambling about my lore to some people (you know who you are)#and even then IM GATEKEEPING THEM THE LORE SO THEY DONT GET SPOILED FOR THE JUICY SHIT AUGHH#HELL I EVEN LIED TO SOME OF THEM LMAOAOOAOAO#SO THEYRE STILL ON THEIR LITTLE TIPPY TOES WHEN I POST#little red herrings never hurt anyone :3#im going crazy#crazy? i was crazy once#they locked me in a room#a rubber room#full of drawings covering the walls and red string everywhere as I talk to myself and go bananas /silly#LM whispers
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And look, I know I'm focusing on fun fun fun fun fun, but it helped because uh, the things that have come out about Yoon Suk-yeol's coup attempt are frightening and frankly more insane than you can even imagine.
(Just to keep the record straight, the bit about the DPRK uniforms is complicated because it hasn't been confirmed but hasn't been debunked yet either: x. We'll know for sure once the investigation starts.)
#sorry to include a thread that doesn't link to sources but TBR is credible#despite my personal feelings about the person who made it#and i just don't have it in me right now to track down all the sources#which goes what i usually do but it's past 2 AM right now and i kept sleeping at...4 AM for [mumble] days#anyway we were making jokes about YSY and honestly they were on point#but it could have ended VERY BADLY and it turns out it was in the works for a while#it wasn't a spur of the moment thing#once again i need to emphasize how this could have been catastrophic#had something gone wrong or had the soldiers been more on board#instead of being confused and lied to or disobeying the orders#and how korean citizens didn't know how things would turn out when martial law was declared#they couldn't assume 'oh lol we'll be fine' which some USians kept alluding to which is so offensive beyond belief#'this would never happen in america because the police/military would shoot and injure/kill people!'#um. please look up protest history in korea lol. but i'll refrain from ranting about that again#because i already made a long af post about it last week so i'm not going to repeat myself#anyway....i just can't wrap my head around this and it's been days since this was uncovered#the fact that martial law was declared was unbelievable in the first place but ALL OF THIS?!?!!? DERANGED
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Save me Joker out save me
#save me joker out#todays tumblr post was brought to you by:#1) getting to yap about joker out to my friends sister#2) going to sleep at 2 am (i was at my friends and she kept me away by playing eurovision songs)#it started with cha cha cha#and then i got them to play carpe diem#so no sleep ofc#and finally#3) having spent far too much time talking to people over the past two days#rambles#joker out#i lied#4) everybody’s waiting#that song never fucking fails to make me cry#which sucks#because i really like it#but i can’t listen to it without feeling distraught#when i get you bojan#when i get you
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I just saw some dumb shit that really sucks and I’m gonna try real hard to not cry/lose my shit because I quite literally knew it was happening when it did and now it’s confirmed lol 🙃🙃🙃 fuck me I guess
#mine#text post#I just wanna go to sleep now 🥲#this is about something old#but I just saw something new about it and it’s fucked me up good 🙃#nothing I hate more than being lied to#except maybe when I find out about the lie#and knowing I was right also kinda sucks ass too
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yeah.... so i finally got to the start of act 3 and saw the reveal of the guardian/dream visitor's real self and i-
#NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭 it's been 10 minutes of me sitting here in disbelief 💀💀💀💀💀💀#i mean from the very first time they seemed shady of course but i didnt care because i made my guardian pretty af#and now the very idea of that we as a player make their appearance up to our preferences#this kind of is a manipulation in itself to appeal eveb visually to the main character#considering every companion described different person that visited them#logically i knew that it's a sign of them trying to get their trust etc#and i thought i had their identity figured out 💀 i thought that was orpheus 😭💀✋️#STOPPPvmcmccm 😭😭✋️✋️#and i couldnt stop myself from reading spoilers and now i've spoiled myself kind of a lot about them 💀#this is a knife to the back because when i read it was possible to romance them in act 3 back then i was curious but now knowing the truth#i cant believe ALL of that was lies not even partly as i suspected and apparently it's the very mindflayer that infected us on the ship???#my brain is melting 💀✋️#i'm going to sleep it's too late i just needed to scream into the void about this i'm heartbroken LMAO 😂#bg3 spoilers#baldurs gate 3 spoilers
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m*m is a grimy ass grifter and has literally taken food out of black women and poor kids mouths so like i really hope they rot in hell for doin that shit. Lying to those who help you out and went to bat for you. EWWW
#me#personal#vent#i know nobody knows wtf im talking about but im still pissed#its so fuckin grimy like!!!!!! you had coco sleeping in a hot car with her baby and your own cousin n her kids trapped with an abuser#allen let you use his credit card for food and you bought bullshit!!#you let several black unhoused trans people suffer un needed!!#you took funds from our friends when they were homeless and doing fssw#you lied to everyone two years ago and youre still fucking lying#like yes on some level you do need support but like you are the scum of the earth the way you go about it!!! you lie cheat n steal#like your family is in real estate and you dont pay rent like you claim to do#unless were friends or mutuals dont ask
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(guy who’s literally nocturnal): i didn’t realize i was doing that badly
#my friend came over and did my dishes today#and they told me that this is the worst they’ve ever seen my executive dysfunction#and like. they saw me through college so they’ve seen some shit#but perhaps my inability to get out of bed for like th entirety of the time since I’ve moved isn’t just me being weak and lazy#maybe it’s the logical response to me being off my adhd meds and not having blood going to my brain when I sleep since my retainers stopped#working. maybe I’ll be fine soon#and either way. the fact that i have a friend here to see me and help me figure shit out is just#like fucking me up. i am soooo isolationist and like. I truly can’t even think about the fact they came over and did my dishes cause i know#it’s gonna hit me and im gonna start sobbing#like they came over and i lied down on the floor and they kept being like ‘how can i help’ and i kept saying ‘you don’t need to I’ll do it’#but kept laying on the floor#and so they just started doing my dishes#and like god. I can’t handle that. this person has consistently been one#one of the kindest people in my life and they never just tell me to snap out of it?#and like they’re always there for me specifically during tech week and it’s like no this is my own fault I chose this#anyway I feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me and I want to tear myself up until I find the culprit and stamp it out#but im just trying to lie in bed and focus on the fact that somehow im loved even though i don’t deserve it#anyway I really hope my period is coming because if im just being this insane for fun that’s fucked up
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I LOVE COLLEGE. I want to go home though 😭
#I want to be with my friends!!! at home!!!!#I want my car I want to drive around my streets at night#I want my own room and my bathroom I feel comfy in (thank god for a suite bathroom I wouldn’t be able to deal with a hall bath)#I want to be like max 20 minutes away from my friends. this boils down to I miss my friends#we should all just go live in an apartment complex together#I was really onto something with making my friends and I in Tomodachi Life like that’s the ideal right there#maybe not economically feasible but it would be so good#I do love college a lot though and I’m really liking LI so far#I wish I were better at getting close with my new friends#but the ones I get along with the most don’t do much going out (either studying or sleeping)#and there’s one who I Don’t like very much they’re so annoying but they’re always around everyone else#I think I’m just gonna have to suck it up about that tbh#because I want to be hanging out with everyone else more#tbh my orientation group was the best I miss that just not as much as I miss my other friends from home#it’s also been weird because like. bunch of hurricanes flooding etc happening at home. and it feels weird to not be there and help out#I feel like I’m letting people down in not being there#another thing I miss is being so close to the water tbh#I didn’t think I would I am terrified of flooding#and I’m on an island like. this is Long Island. but I can’t see the water from where I am#and I can’t drive around to get to it#I’ve never lived somewhere where I wasn’t walking distance from a bay and it’s uncomfy#thankfully when I go visit my boyfriend! the train takes me over wate#r sorry time limit went off anyways when I took a train there it took me over some water in NJ I think it was nice to see#comforting and shit#anyways#cheese speaks#college moment#ugh being homesick is so weirddddd
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god bless my mom for speaking english as a second language.
she was trying to explain that she thinks my sister’s gay neighbors are wealthy because they have a lot of nice furniture. and she called them “professional gays” when she meant that they probably had good white-collar jobs
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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.
#speculation nation#i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue#idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit#and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved#if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better#bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving#so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still#for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.
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god this fucking sucks.
#thinking that things were ok and safe COVID wise and then having the rug pulled out from under me I mean.#when I say I wish I never stopped masking I mean it for practical reasons too but a huge factor for me has also just been the psychological#distress of thinking things were safe and having that freedom followed by the gut punch of how abysmal the reality of COVID is!!!#we were never safe the freedom was false and now I'm trying to protect myself and others and nobody in my life will do the same for me#and I know I've had 1-2 infections and the compounding damage is high risk for me and the brain damage makes me so upset#bc my brain is already really bad and terrible and frustrating to live with and I cant handle it getting worse I cant#I just want to live and be a person and not have to worry about this and compromise my bodily safety bc I dont have anywhere to go where#the ppl I would cohabitate with would even CONSIDER being covid conscious and masking up like even a little bit#and I cant get too upset bc weve been lied to and traumatized and its really really hard to counteract that. bc im doing it rn and it#fucking SUCKS and i want to feel safe again so bad but I know that would be a lie#the absolute kindest and most understanding ppl around me are still treating this like its my personal problem. like ok when YOU feel safe#this is not a live and let live situation fuck!!! fuck you!!!!!#ok. gonna cry and try to sleep#it speaks
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any time coriolanus snow does anything
#he annoys me#he really does annoy me#you ever see those posts of people who get high and have moral epiphanies like 'why are there homeless people'#that's him when he's chilled out#he became so sleep deprived once that his conscience made a reappearance and he verbally understood why the districts hate him#but then dr gaul sends him into the arena and takes him back to her creepy experimentation lab for medical treatment#and she gives him some kind of drug that somehow makes his senses *sharper*#like NO#STOP THAT#that's the OPPOSITE of what we want#we want him to CHILL OUT#he's so annoying. he's SO annoying. the complete lack of effort to become better is so INFURIATING because the potential *IS* there#he's starving and abandoned by the capitol he's surrounded by people sympathetic towards the districts he LIVES in district 12#he has every reason to change his mind#and he still won't budge! it's the worst! HE is the worst!!!#you're all lucky i don't usually go for tragedies because I'd never shut up#what do you mean i knew the ending going in so i shouldn't be mad about it. that's even more reason to be mad#why don't YOU look at the potential for an unlived future and try not to be mad#<- that's why he's so obsessed with katniss. he told me himself#mirrors and reflections and lies and truths and choices and circumstances and so on#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#the hunger games
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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still sick but alive, unfortunately 🤧
#last morning when i got up i wasn't at all sure i'd live to see the release of deadzone lol#since then i've been able to walk and stand up somewhat normally without wanting to cry and/or die#last night i slept more than the two previous nights combined. which still isn't that much but at least i did sleep#i did also wake up so completely drenched in my own sweat (from mild fever going down after i had taken a painkiller for a headache)-#-that i had to get up and dry myself with a towel 😂#and there was a huge wet spot (of sweat) on my bed where i had lied 🙂#i have lost three fourths of my vocal range so i can't e.g. laugh#(not that i've had a whole lot to giggle about these past few days 💀)#i'm bummed out i can't do preparations for my new job#i definitely should've started earlier but i would've had plenty of time this week had i not caught the cold at the stupid festival 🤧#i did not plan this! besides i'm not gonna start working weeks ahead for a job i'm not even getting paid for yet#for the same reason no one can expect me to work while sick for a job i haven't gotten a single penny from#hell even if i WAS paid no one could expecte me to work while sick#so i shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to work on my fic instead of the course plans#which btw i already sort of have because my predecessors gave me practically ALL the material i might need#so all i reallly need to do is change the dates of the course plans and bob's your uncle#but i'd like to also study the material a bit before teaching it so that i'll at least seem like i know what i'm talking about 💀#mom said on the phone that i've managed situations like this before so i will manage this too and she's right i guess but 😭😭😭#but yeah i guess this is some sort of developement from last year when i had the 'rona-#-and felt awful about ordering food/groceries in because ''i don't want to be a bother'' 😂
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my mother leaving my sisters dog out so he can run around barking and upsetting tucker shouldn't surprise me and yet
#it's so dumb but also why lie that you're going to bed when you knew i was trying to sleep because i had shit#to do tonight but instead you let my sisters dog run around upsetting tucked causing me unable to sleep#like again so dumb but what the fuck is wrong with you#i feel like shit i'm sad about a fucking water bottle and now i'll be up til god knows when just so i can eat and do the shit i need to in#peace oh how my pot is boiling over with living here more and more each day and i can't do it anymore#i can't pretend anymore because it's stupid dumb fucking lies and shit like this that just drove me fucking crazy#eris: text#[redacted]
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