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protectwoc · 4 years ago

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why all reylos are racist

y’all can go ahead and cancel me now because some of you are not going to like what i have to say and i am completely okay with that.

this recent gq interview with john boyega has incensed me. hearing all the things he went through, from disney and from “fans” and with no support from anyone… i’m livid. sometimes when i think about it for too long i start shaking, i’m so furious. and the response from the reylo fandom has infuriated me to a degree i honestly didn’t know was possible.

some of you may have seen my recent tumblr rampage. it’s reylo bullying hours here on my blog, and i’m not sorry either. one person threatened to post screenshots of my comments, which like… okay? i know what the fuck i said, it wasn’t that long ago. in fact i was going to include the screenshots in this post right here, but they blocked me before i had the chance. sorry. i’m sure somebody has them. anyway…

over the past two days in the star wars fandom we have seen something unprecedented: an outpouring of support for john boyega. both reylos and anti-reylos have joined forces to voice support for john in the wake of the gq interview (and the blm protests, let’s be real, some of y’all would not have given half a fuck if it wasn’t suddenly cool to be antiracist). and this showing of unity is one of the most rage-inducing things i’ve ever seen in a fandom (which is saying something; i have seen some shit).

reylo fandom, full offense intended, but where the fuck do you get off? you’re supporting john now? where was this support when tfa came out and you couldn’t stand the thought of him next to your white-girl-self-insert? where was it when tlj came out and your boy ryan completely sidelined him? where was it earlier this fucking year when y’all twisted a harmless joke (like yall haven’t spent years writing reylo-throne-room-sex-meta BULLSHIT) and ignored the vile racist shit coming from your own fav’s mouth? but you’re supporting him now? now that being antiracist is trendy? fuck outta here with that bullshit.

your fandom is the reason for the vast majority of the absolutely subhuman treatment john has endured over the last few years. your fandom influenced ryan (yes i know what his name is) to write tlj the way he did, you have behaved indefensibly here on tumblr.hell writing and drawing and fantasizing about all sorts of racist bullshit, and y’all have STAYED in his twitter mentions spewing hatred seven ways to sunday. but NOW, without a shred of self-reflection, you’re supporting him? now his experiences are valid?

the way that your fandom refuses to take accountability for its actions makes me see red. y’all stay on some “not all reylos” nonsense and i am SICK OF IT. i’m only gonna say this once, and i want you to hear me: you cannot be a reylo and be “antiracist”. you cannot participate in a fandom that has behaved the way yours has and say “blm, uwu acab.” you can’t. like do you think black people are dumb? that we can’t see right through you? we can.

“but rae,” i hear you whining. “you’re gonna say just because i like two characters together i’m a racist?” and of course not. that would be ludicrous. i think just because you knowingly engage and participate in a fandom that has racism encoded in its dna, you’re a racist. i think because y’all are in bed with racist harassers, racist trolls, and racist content creators, you’re a racist. that’s what the fuck i think. y’all lost the right to “it’s just a ship” me the instant you dragged john boyega into this.

here’s an example: i watched tfa about three days after it came out. i watched the first half, saw the obvious relationship set up between finn and rey, and thought, “aw, cute.” then i watched kylo and rey fight, watch him offer to teach her, and thought, “... interesting.”

when i got home i checked tumblr for finnrey content, saw the outpouring of love from black fans, all the cute fanart and fics blooming, and smiled. then, slowly, guiltily, i searched “reylo.”

BOOM. racism. the things i saw in the tag that night are tattooed on my brain. reylos rejoicing about the obvious rey/kyle pairing because “sw would never put her with that monkey finn”. calling him an “oaf”, “useless”, “bumbling”, “stupid”. reylos joking about how “when they talked about the Dark side, [they] didn’t think they meant that kind of dark.” “woke” reylos pretending to ship stormpilot in an obvious ploy to get finn away from kylo. and in between all of that, cute ship art. fun fics. talented gif makers. and nobody saying shit about the reprehensible behavior going on in their tag.

reylo is built on a foundation of racism. from that first week, racism has been woven into the fabric of your fandom, and it’s been going unchecked. and i don’t mean calling out other reylos. that’s not enough. i mean taking actual steps. y’all have been sitting in a cesspool of racism for five years, and its time for you to get the fuck out or shut the fuck up about being an “ally”. y’all need to leave this fandom.

don’t agree? here’s another story. in 2017, when i still watched supergirl (before i grew taste) i shipped karamel. for those of you who don’t know, karamel is the ship of kara zor-el (supergirl) and mon-el, her second love interest. when supergirl was moved to the cw for its second season, the decision was made to abruptly end her romance with jimmy olsen, played by mecahd brooks (a black man) and replace him with mon-el, played by chris wood, a white man, who was revealed to be, among other things, an alien slaveowner, as well as a playboy and all-around terrible person. and i shipped them. look, i’m not defending myself, but i never really bought the chemistry between jimmy and kara. even though mon-el’s introduction and the way that they carelessly disregarded kara’s feelings for jimmy made me uncomfortable, i thought the way melissa played her attraction to chris wood was more believable (and again, i’m not defending myself, but they are now married so it’s not like i was wrong). so i shipped them. simple as that, right?

well, no. not really. because the inherent racism in the way the writers wrote out her admittedly sweet romance with a black man in favor of a white slaveowner jerk kept bothering me. and finally i decided that it made me too uncomfortable to participate in. i never really reblogged any karamel fandom stuff, but i completely divorced myself from the fandom. i stopped reading karamel fic, and i switched to reblogging exclusively jimmy/kara content until the fandom died out/i stopped watching. i made a choice that real life racism is more important to me than a fucking fandom or a ship, and then i acted accordingly. simple as that.

and i’m not saying you have to stop liking the reylo dynamic. i still like the chemistry between kara and mon-el. i’ve shipped problematic ships before (bamon comes to mind) and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that (to a point). but there’s a difference between liking a ship dynamic and engaging and contributing to a fan culture of racism. you have to stop participating in the fandom. y’all are in bed with people indistinguishable from confederate-flag-waving-all-lives-matter-touting racists and you don’t feel the need to get out of that environment? there comes a certain point where you have to decide if fandom bullshit is more important to you than fighting racism, and unfortunately, reylos have chosen wrong. that, ladies and gentlemen, is why all reylos are racist, regardless of what they say. roll credits.

except i have more to say, so i’m gonna say it. first of all, i’m not trying to hold myself up as some kind of paragon of virtue. i’m not holier-than-thou because all my ships are “woke” or whatever. chemistry is subjective, and we’re all going to be attracted to different ship dynamics, and there’s nothing wrong with that in theory. what matters is the execution. i finally had to say one day, “you know, this ship and the racist baggage it carries is actually less important to me than battling systemic racism on every level, including the fandom level”. y’all thought being antiracist was gonna be easy? that you wouldn’t have to make some actual changes, to make some actual sacrifices? sorry not sorry to disappoint. and if i, a normal-ass person with flaws and problematic thinking that i’m still dealing with and the whole ine yards, can make that decision, then other people should be required to as well.

(what really irks me is that the karamel fandom wasn’t even really that bad! i definitely could have gotten away with being a karamel stan in 2017. thankfully the supercat and supercorp shippers were doing the lord’s work and bullying them into submission (don’t think i’m letting y’all off the hook either, y’all have got some racism to deal with as well but that’s an essay for another day) but like most of the racism happened at the writing level; the fandom itself wasn’t engaging in racist clownery on the regular. but like the reylos are. y’all see racist bullshit coming from your neighbor, fav fic writer, artist, gif maker, whatever, and don’t say shit? don’t feel the need to distance yourself from them? gtfoh.)

i made this argument earlier when i was on my rampage (which i’m still on btw so don’t clown in my inbox, you will get your shit rocked) but i’m going to make it again because i feel like its important to note. when i pointed out that existing in the reylo fandom while you are aware of its racism makes you complicit in that racism, a white reylo told me earlier that (paraphrasing, my memory’s not as good as it used to be and i did mention that they’d blocked me) “you don’t solve a problem like systemic racism by ignoring it. leaving the fandom would be allowing it to happen.” when i pointed out that that’s police officer rhetoric almost verbatim, she (a white reylo) admonished me (a black woman) not to compare police brutality to a “ship war.” lmao.

look, clearly y’all need a refresher on what “systemic” means. it means, quite simply, that there are systems, large and small, allow for racism to exist, and it also means that allowing for racism to exist on the small scale means expecting it on a large one. like you think police officers spring fully formed from the head with racist ideals already ingrained? no! they learn it and learn to justify it with “well just because my friend made a racist joke doesn’t make me a racist” and “just because i laughed at my friend’s using a racist term in my video game doesn’t make me a racist” and “just because my friend is a racist doesn’t mean i’m a racist” and then we have people watching their coworkers kneel on a man’s back for 8 minutes with no remorse. i’m not gonna solve police brutality by fighting reylos on tumblr, but fandom racism is real racism with consequences on our world, and i don’t tolerate ANY type of racism. and the fact that you are so willing to not just tolerate it but justify it should say something to you.

and not all reylos are like this. similar to cops, good reylos don’t last. i have seen people grow so disgusted by the racism in the reylo fandom that they publicly turned their backs on it, and those reylos i respect. you’ve heard of “the only good cop is an ex-cop” well get ready for “the only good reylo is an ex-reylo”.

(and also like far be it from me to justify a cop but one could at least say they have their livelihoods to think about (not like they couldn’t just pick a nonmurderous profession but i digress) but you reylos can’t even choose between taking a stance against the hateful and unjustified bullying of a man who had the audacity to… get a job (?)... over a ship? come on now.)

the point of all this is, for all their posturing about “being antiracist” and “fuck 12” and “support john boyega”, reylos have decided that a relationship between two fictional people is more important than all the black and brown people who are hurt by that decision and the consequences of that decision. and before y’all pull some “b-but there are POC reylos!” (stop fucking using poc as an adjective, its a noun, it stands for person of color, please use it as such) internalized racism is a thing. busting out your token “reylo of color” (see how easy that was?) is not going to change my mind. all reylos are complicit in the racism of their peers, and being complicit makes you culpable. full stop.

and that is why the public support of john boyega from the reylo fandom has me seeing red. renounce your fandom or keep that man’s name out of your mouth. anyway, this was long and ranty and entirely stream-of-consciousness and i’m refusing to edit it so it’s probably completely incomprehensible to anyone besides me but if you made it this far thanks for reading ig. all reylos are racist, blm, fuck 12, acab, stan john boyega, don’t clown in my inbox unless you’re coming to bully me for being a karamel shipper, which i deserve (or do, i couldn’t give less of a fuck). good night.

#john boyega #anti reylo #raetalks

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hawks-is-kinda-chicken-little · 5 years ago

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High in the Sky

Hawks x Winged! Reader

Key:

(F/c)= favorite color

A/N: Sometimes I just start little fics on the tumblr app and just write away at it when i’m bored. This happened to be one of them. The bigger fics are saved on my google docs so, which would probably be smart for me to get on my phone so I can work on the bigger fic, but oh well. Just know that this trash was not proof read at all so its probably terrible.

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Flying was so freeing. Not being only confined to the ground, able to soar above human limitation. Wind combs through the feathers, caressing each bard with care. Leaving nothing caressed with its attentive breeze.

Taking in every sight from miles above. Wings flapping with purpose through the cloudy blue air.

Or at least that’s how she imagined it. Enviously watching the beings above her dance in the sky. Most people payed no mind to the birds flying above, reaching places they never could. But, she did, she could only dream of flying like they did. Why? One might ask. Well, she has a pair of fluffy (f/c) wings stemming from her back. She just didn’t know how to use them. And to make matters worse she was afraid of heights.

She had watched her boyfriend fly around so much, but she could never bring herself to take off after him. How Keigo is so patient with her is something she can’t even fathom. Never forcefully pushing her to even flap her wings like others in her life. Always walking around on his feet when with her, which was something he didn’t do often before they were together. It always made her feel guilty, like she was holding Keigo back. But, any and all doubts she voiced were quickly countered as he words of encouragement and love to his angel.

It was kinda ironic. A winged angel being afraid to fly. People always comment on how she is just a decorator piece meant to complement Hawks in the spotlight. Or that he will get bored of her and her flightless appendages. The media never failed to poke at the fact that she didn’t know how to fly. Saying that she will always be afraid until she takes the leap.

And those kinds of pokes and prods lead her to where she is now. Sitting on the ledge of a cliff overlooking the vast ocean near the outskirts of the city. Fingers anxiously picking at the grass beneath them. God this was so dumb, but she could stop the nagging feeling that all those people were right. It couldn’t be to hard right? Keigo does it effortlessly all the time. And there just wings, all she has to do is flap them.

Pushing all her doubts aside she hops to her feet, puffing her chest with her newfound courage. She was an overgrown bird, she told herself. Now is the time to spread her wings and soar from the nest.

With bright (f/c) feathers separated and a pep in her step. Pep in her wings? A lighthearted giggle passed her lips with the silly word play. She was now ready for flight.

Legs bent underneath her weight as she sprung up, pulling her wings to give a wind blowing flap over the side of the cliff.

Just as she was about to maneuver her wings to do it again, two scarlet feathers hooked firmly under her arms guiding her back towards the ledge.

Shame. It radiated within her chest as well as on her cheeks upon seeing the feathers.

They anchored her onto the ground. And while she might have been still facing the ocean, she knew he was coming. She could hear him. The sound of wings beating hastily at the air. Hurrying towards her with god-speed.

Cold surges of air made her shiver as he descended to the grounds behind.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

Question after question, spewed from Keigo as he approached her. She didn’t say anything though. Back still facing him, hanging her head low while folding her arms to cradle her sides in a protective manner.

A heavy sigh left Keigo. Lecturing her probably wasn’t the best idea right now. But (y/n) scared the shit out of him, she was lucky he was patrolling the outskirts of the city. Keigo doesn’t even want to think about what might have happened if he hadn’t been.

He stood behind (y/n), eyes giving her a once over for any sort of injury. Thankfully though there weren’t any. But, he did notice a couple of things. Her normally relaxed wings were now tucked tightly against her back. Looking uncomfortable flat against her back. Overall, she was tense and clearly upset. Keigo gently wrapped his arms around her waist. Laying his hands upon her which clasped her sides. All while pressing his head into the crook of her neck, lips pecking kisses over the tense muscle.

His lips were warm and smooth. Keigo took his time, delicately pressing each kiss into her skin.

“Keigo.” He hummed in acknowledgement, but showed no signs of stopping the pampering.

Playing extra attention to any place made her melt into his touch. This continued to the other side, giving it the same exact undivided love and attention.

(Y/n) leaned her back against him, spreading her fingers to let his own slip in and interlock with her.

“Are you felling okay?” He questioned in a worried tone, lips now glazing along her neck.

She gave him a slow nod.

“Can we talk now baby bird?”

She said yes, but told nothing more.

“Wanna tell me what you were doing so close to the edge, my love?”

(Y/n) lifted her head, peaking to the side to see that he was staring right at her.

She hasn’t really been her usually peppy self as of lately. So Keigo instantly thought the worst when he first spotted her hopping over the side of the cliff.

She looked at her toes as they shuffled anxiously under her.

“I wanted to fly.” The voice was so small that even she could barely hear it.

Keigo presses his lips back to her skin giving one more small kiss. Lip staying glued to her neck as a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

Quickly, Keigo turned her around to face him. Arms never leaving her waste as she came to look at him. That previous smile soon faded when he spotted (y/n)’s tear stained face, lips quivering and everything. Bringing his left hand up to her face, he cupped her cheek as he lowered his face, lightly kissing away all tears.

“Why didn’t you just come to me, baby dove?”

Sniffle

“It’s dumb, It wasn’t something that I should bother you ab-”

“Shhhhhh, none of that.”

“But, I-”

Peck

He silenced her words with his lips, then resting his forehead against hers. Bodies rocking ever so slightly as Keigo swayed them both side to side, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“Never think of yourself as a nuisance, you are my baby bird. The angel who brought light to my dark life, showing me what it meant to love and be loved.”

“Angels can fly, I can’t- I do-don’t- I-”

The urge to cry again piled in her eyes and throat, making her choke on her broken words.

“Do you want to fly?”

Vigorous nods answered his questions.

“Can I ask what brought this about?”

Letting out a forced breath, (y/n) explained everything going on through her mind, from the poke and prods on the media, to her own insecurities. All which made Keigo want to beat himself up for not noticing how much weight had been piling onto her shoulders. But, what she said next was not something he was expecting to hear.

“I want- I want to fly with you. Dance around the sky in the clouds. Or in the peaceful night time stars. I wanna be able to be with you. Experience everything that life throws at us with you.”

Though her declaration was far from over, it made his heart well with happiness as he gazed upon her eyes that sparkled with that unconditional love you only see a couple times in life.

By the end they were both in tears. But, weren’t tears of sadness, no, they were far from that.

“Can you teach me?” The question was overflowing with hope.

With a warm smile Keigo responded, “I wouldn’t have it another way, my sweet angel.”

He had the patients of a saint. Never letting her fall, guiding her through each step. A hand squeezing her own in reassurance as she tried to even herself in the sky. Slowly his hand loosened its grip, removing its presence. It was like watching a child ditching the training wheels, scared at first, but soon learning to balance themselves, experimenting with new speeds and freedoms they never before experienced.

Years later, Keigo and (y/n) got married. They always helped each other, whether it be at the home, in the sky, or even at his agency. Which is where they currently were, (y/n) was helping out with some paperwork while her husband trained the new interns in the medium sized mat covered arena on one of the lower levels of the agency.

Wanting to clarify some of the details regarding the report (y/n) headed for the training grounds where Keigo was. She stopped at the doorway when she noticed that all the interns were sitting in a circle around their mentor who was standing at the edge. Now, she might not have been able to hear him, but she could tell by the exaggerated arm gestures and tone changes that he was telling them a story. The expressions on the children’s faces showed just how hooked they were by his words. But, the eyes of the interns shifted from Keigo to her, their eyes all glowing with wonder. Keigo, seeing that he lost their attention, followed their gaze to her. A bright smile formed on his lips as he motioned for her to come over.

With a roll of her eyes she strutted over until she was an arms length away from her from there Keigo, pulled her to his arms, sweeping her feet from under her as he dipped down to kiss her.

EWWWW!

The poor interns gagged and turned away. Keigo gave a bellowed laugh as (y/n) shook her head chuckling at the childishness of not only the interns, but her husband.

“What are you laughing at?” He questioned giving her a faked gasp of offense.

“Take a guess, dear.”

“Mrs. Takami.” A voice called from the circle.

(Y/n) brought her attention to the intern.

“I think its inspiring how you learned to fly.”

The bold proclamation brought some of the other interns sharing their delight and amazement.

After the initial surprise and confusion ran its course, her chest bubbled with a sort motherly love towards the teens. A warm feeling that enveloped her mentally as well as physically, since anyone could see the adoration practically radiating from her face. It was an expression that always made Keigo fall ten times deeper in love with her.

“Well look at the time, you kids better go get yourselves some food, nice work to-”

“But, we literally just started.”

“Well then, kid its never good to train on an empty stomach.”

Every intern huffed a bit as they got to their feet and made their way towards the break room. Once they were gone (y/n) lightly jabbed his side, making him yelp.

“And just what were you telling them?” She asked in a playfully accusing tone.

“Ummmmmm, that you are really pretty.”

“Takami Keigo, I swear to All Might.”

“The tiny broccoli kid does the same.”

“Wha-”

“Don’t even try to deny it.”

“Leave the adorable cinnamon roll alone. Midoriya is a very sweet boy.”

“Hey, i,m just saying.”

“No you’re just avoiding my question.”

“Oof, you got me there.”

“Now, back to my question-”

“The question you already have an answer to.”

Poke!

Keigo let out another high pitched yelp as she stabbed his sensitive sides with two fingers.

Yes, it was not hard to figure out what he was telling the teens, but he knows that she is kinda embarrassed by it. (Y/n) had come a long way, both of them knew it. Sensing her uneasiness, Keigo quickly comforted her.

“Dove, everyone has a place where they started, where they feel so low that they can’t bring themselves up. Feeling hopelessly stuck or trapped. And some of the interns were asking how to dig themselves out of that damned hole. So I told them about your story, how you learned to fly. You were so determined to do it that you almost jumped over a cliff having no clue how to really take off.”

He let out a light chuckle before continuing, “And how sometimes, you just need a little help to get started, a little guidance to lift you up. I mean, once you got the basics down, you fucking bolted. God, I had a hard time keeping up.”

She smiled at him as she remembered the moment with utter fondness. (Y.n) knew he was restraining himself back then, letting her buzz all around him while he kept a much slower pace. He wanted to make her feel special, feel loved, so he held himself back for her.

“And you heard the kids. It’s ‘inspiring’”

“And you’re a pain.”

“But, i’m your pain,” He said holding up both of their hands with the rings on them.

“Hmmmm, I guess so.”

“Wanna go for a quick fly around the building? Their snack breaks last like 15 minutes and its only been about five.”

“Sure, why hell not.”

They stared at each other for a couple seconds. (Y/n) distracted him with a loving peck to the lips, before slapping his arm.

“TAG.”

“Wha-”

She bolted to an open window just small enough for her to fit through. Of course, Keigo dashed towards her, struggling to shimmy his bigger frame past the tight window. (Y/n) flew a couple yards away watching as he tried to push through. She covered her mouth in a failed attempt to muffle laughter shaking through her whole body as she watched. However, that laughter ceased as too as the window let him through, making him fall before catching the air with his giant wings.

Once steadied, Keigo’s eyes darted to his wife’s who’s facial expression read ‘oh shit, now I've done it’.

He smirked when a squeak passed her lip as she dashed around the building with him now close on her heels. Keigo let her win for a few minutes before tackling her mid flight. Trapping her in his embrace as he nuzzled into her neck letting out a happy coo.

It was nothing but playful. They could be free in the sky, free to do whatever they pleased.

Bonus:

“Do you think we will ever go one day without witnessing him pull her into a sloppy kiss?” One intern asked as he chomped on a bagel, making another teen gag in repulsion. All 5 of them sat around the lunch table in the break room.

Two other interns replied with a quick “no” in unison.

“That’s just gross.”

“Awww, come on guys its kinda sweet.” Said one of the two female interns as she overlooked the streets from the giant window.

“Honey,” said the other girl, “no.”

The five kept chatting until as a flash of red and (f/c) crossed the window. They watched as their mentor and his wife played around in the skies. The two looked like children who had playground all to themselves; happy and completely lost in their own wondrous minds.

Though the teens might think that the PDA was a bit gross, none of them could stop the smile spreading across their faces as they watched the two outside.

“Okay, so its a little sweet.”

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#hawks x reader #bnha fanfiction #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #keigo takami x reader #hawks #keigo takami #bnha hawks

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i-dont-want-your-hysteria · 4 years ago

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a message.

This whole post is full of things I’ve wanted to say for a very long time. So yes, this is going to be very long.

Before I begin, I just wanted to say I’m sorry to the innocent people who had nothing to do with this. I’ve never ever been involved with online/fandom drama before, I hate being in this position so fucking much with all my heart and soul, and I never thought in my whole life that I’d be in this position, either.

Secondly, this is about the DEF LEPPARD FANDOM ON TUMBLR. If you’re not part of this fandom, kindly fuck off :^) This is not about you.

This post explains why I feel this way. And to those innocent people who aren’t involved with this, I’m sincerely sorry if any of this has changed your opinions of me.

I’m in a mood and a half, so I’ll do my best to effectively tell everything from my perspective. Read if you want, but this is just what I’m thinking.

I’ve been running this blog for almost three years now. When I first joined this fandom on tumblr at the beginning of 2018, there wasn’t really a ‘fandom’ per se; all the main blogs were dead, no one ever really posted, and there wasn’t much content. I decided to start a DL blog of my own to vent my love into it and not spam my main account.

Within a month, I could quickly see that some sort of renaissance was happening in this fandom; more blogs were popping up, more people were posting, and more people were just participating in general. There were memes now, there were conversations now- it was great! There was a real community; it was all about sharing information, spewing our love, getting creative, and interacting!

There was integrity, and there was respect for the band as well as one another.

I, as part of this community, wanted to do everything in my physical power to contribute in any way I could. I was insanely active and hyper-productive and could not be stopped. I still haven’t stopped, but I certainly have slowed down significantly (due to lack of new activity from the band and increased mental health issues I won’t get into). I don’t want to be self-centered and say that I was “running” this branch of the fandom for the past 2.7 years, but I was certainly a big player in it, and I feel everyone agreed (and some still agree) with that as well.

There were some times where disagreements happened. There were times where many of us knew that someone else was crossing a line in a post. We knew what qualified as “not okay” in terms of being perverted and such. We’d solve this by not blaming, not hounding, not sending anon hate, not calling out, but by presenting facts, talking maturely, and trying to right the wrongs as maturely as we could.

Yes, it was possible. Was.

I don’t think you guys realize just how much content I’ve contributed to this fandom. I have spent basically every single day of the past 3-ish years trying to spread information/content/photos/videos/links/etc. to everyone who follows me (and everyone who doesn’t). This fandom was (and I cannot stress this enough), literally my entire life for the past 3 odd years, and I really wanted to spend the rest of my life contributing to it the way I’ve been.

I don't think anyone on here realizes everything that I have done for this community. Because of me:

this fandom has access to Animal Instinct for free

this fandom has access to the rare picture disc interview

this fandom has numerous scans of photos that may have not ended up online otherwise (I also paid $70 to have access to some of these. You're welcome.)

we have Fabulist Icons content

we have a decent amount of fanfiction that doesn't only focus on the boys banging each other/sex in general (seriously, this simply didn’t exist on here before I started posting my shit)

we have a little more fan art

we have content from Phil's and Ross's books

we have hundreds (yes, literally, HUNDREDS) of edits/moodboards/memes/etc. that I made myself

we have gifsets of things that no one else would have made

we have achieved justice a lot of the time when content was stolen because I have defended everyone without question/rallied up armies the second I heard it happened

some of you have gotten updates on news/facts/history/details/etc. that you’ve never even heard of

probably a shit ton more things, but that’s all I can think of for now. You get the point.

But that’s only half the story. This band and fandom has given me so much to cherish over the past few years.

Because of this fandom and the people (that were once) in it, I have:

met Rick in person

met, quite honestly, my two best friends ever, @ballistic-lipstick-dream-machine (my true Terror Twin) and @paper-sxn (adopted little sister/cousin)

became in contact with Phil's guitar tech from the mid-80s (Mike)

gained creative ambition to play guitar, create art, write stories, make edits/gifs, travel, and basically just better myself

began a record collection that is now in the hundreds and gained a lot of knowledge from it

discovered a whole new genre of music

found a community/culture where, for the very very first time in my life, I felt like I BELONGED.

fallen in love with something and someone for the first time

felt like I actually mattered to people, like I was actually important (because people would always come to me for information or help if they needed it)

basically impacted every corner of my life

just about a million other things, too, but I will be here all night if I try to list them all.

To put it delicately: Def Leppard and this fandom on tumblr absolutely changed my life, and was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.

I have spread so much information around, you newer people wouldn't imagine. I have gathered and seen so much information, you wouldn't believe how much I know and how much I've learned. I have bounced back and forth between formats time after time again that I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. I have edited so many things on non-professional programs that I am an MS paint expert. I have been here so long, that I’ve seen 98% of the people in this branch of the fandom rotate in and out at least two or three times.

That being said, all of the toxic people in this fandom will most likely be gone within the next 6 months.

Def Leppard has taught me so much, but a big thing was love and loyalty. It's clear that the majority of people in this fandom (read my lips- I am N O T saying anyone’s names. I mean that.) do not know the meanings of either of these words. I've been practically running this fandom on Tumblr for nearly three years now, you’ve seen all that I’ve done for you, and what have I gotten in return?

Slander, cyberbullying, disrespect, consistently stolen content, etc. That’s what I’ve gotten. I’ve never attacked anyone on here, and that is still something I won’t do.

Yes, I am against slash fic, and I can’t believe that THAT’S the only reason why I’m being torn down like this. Something so dumb and immature as that has torn my beloved community in half. I have never attacked ANYONE for writing slash fic, yet I’ve been getting attacked since August (it is November now) for simply believing it is wrong to openly admit you want the boys to fuck each other.

(I’d also like to point out that someone from the KISS fandom ((god knows why)) had the balls to call me “homophobic” for hating slashfic. I can’t even begin to explain how much I laughed at that.)

I just wanna say that these are REAL people you’re writing about, you know. Don’t you think THEY would be against it? I know I cannot stop anyone from writing slash (I’ve said that before, but no one seems to remember it). I don’t think any of you realize that there is a certain line you shouldn’t cross when it comes to the internet, and being perverted in such an explicit and disrespectful way is one of them. We always had integrity in this fandom, and slash was never part of something we stood for. We knew when to stop, and we kept the slash on rockfic.com (where it belongs imo. That’s like their element).

I was very confused when more slash fics started appearing on tumblr this year. Now, it seems like that’s all there is, and I’m disgusted.

Whenever something close to that happened in 2018, everyone would be totally against it, and we’d talk it out and explain. While we all had our fair share of horny (and maybe then some) in this fandom, but we always knew where to draw the line. That was the line. That line doesn’t exist anymore, apparently, and nobody knows how to be mature and respectful to the band, to each other, and just for fuck’s sake. Now, I’m being slammed that being perverted for them fucking their best friends is “just fandom, bitch” and “the norm” and that it’s done “out of respect”, which I will never understand. You can’t use “slash” and “respectful” in the same sentence, and you can’t change my mind, but I know I can’t change yours, either.

Slash is not, nor will it ever be, respectful. This fandom has become toxic.

Fanfiction is an outlet for creativity to be used for fun, not to be used as an excuse to project your sexually perverted sexuality headcannons/fetishes onto innocent, REAL, LIVE people. If all you write/read is them having sex with each other, then it really makes you wonder if it’s about “respect” anymore, doesn’t it?

In my opinion it’s fucked up that it’s “normal” and “just part of fandom” to create sexualities for- again- REAL, LIVE PEOPLE, and it’s everyone’s first instinct to argue that it’s fine, apparently? If you “respect” your idols so much like you claim you do, then why don’t you maybe respect their actual orientations instead of creating masturbation material for random 12 year olds and boomers, perhaps?

I don’t know what I did that was so fucking wrong in your eyes, as I’ve always tried to keep integrity in this area of tumblr.

I'm very deeply hurt, more than I've ever been by this. It physically hurts me to admit that this fandom has become as toxic as it currently is. I don’t feel welcome here anymore at all, despite practically running things on here for so long.

I don’t know how I could ever live without this fandom, but now it looks like I’m going to have to try, or at least try and rebuild it on my own (again). I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop posting about Def Leppard, and after all, I only started posting about them for myself to begin with.

We were supposed to be the good fandom, the happy fandom, the fandom with no drama. I am ashamed to be associated with you now. I tried to stop it as best as I could, and hoped people would back me up, but I’ve received nothing but hate for simply trying to preserve some dignity.

You guys have been immature to say the least, and I find it very hard to believe that some of you are legal adults (but let’s be honest; most of you toxic people are probably too young to even be behind a computer, anyway).

I’ve had to block some people that I really didn’t want to, but the deed is done. Keep your slash to yourself, tag it, do a read more, post it somewhere else, even- that’s how you co-exist. Just don’t come after me because I think it’s wrong. I never came after anyone specifically like that.

This isn’t goodbye, but I certainly am leaving for a while. I hope I got my point, my history, and my perspective across.

And I hope you’re fucking happy, because you’ve destroyed something I loved.

-Rachel

#also to helena_s_renn on rockfic: suck my dick bitch :3 #thank you to those who have messaged me and been kind #time to watch my follower count dwindle at the speed of sound #goodbye

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bbrandy2002 · 5 years ago

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Wacky Drabble #16: What Goes Around

Part 2 of Something Flubbed…

This is part of @emceesynonymroll #wackydrabbles

Liam x Riley

Catch up with Part 1

A/N: What started as a crack drabble about tumblr reblogs, of all things, has somehow morphed into a semi-actual story. I'm still scratching my head on how I did it and have just decided to let my Liam and Riley tell the story. Its still mostly crack yo!

Prompt: Was I not supposed to

Word count: 1322

Liam’s right eye was twitching as he shot her a look of pure hell and contention. He stammered for words, unsure of what to say or even think. The last thing he ever expected from Riley was infidelity, believing their marriage was something special, something sacred, something she respected and was devoted to as much as he was. That she had written, in a mediocre fashion, the details of a courtyard tryst with Drake, his best friend of all people, and even relished in the fact that she was doing so, was next to unforgiveable in his mind.

Riley approached her husband apprehensively, wanting to explain herself, if she even could. She clasped her hands together firmly, attempting to control the visible trembling. She knew this was bad, but, was hopeful it could be cleared up quickly. At this point, the truth had to be better than what she assumed he was thinking. Before she was able to inch too close, he held his hand up to stop her. With his mist filled eyes, the ones that were breaking her apart, he began his scathing remarks. “First off…..your friend here just sent you a message asking if some girl named Alyssa should fuck me at Drake’s funeral”.

“Aww, she’s killing Drake off”, her posture slumped as she shook her head disappointingly. Her gaze met his again; realizing he really was in no mood for banter. “Liam, It’s not what you think ”

“Secondly”, he continued with a raised voice, cutting her explanation off, “Did you fuck Drake in a courtyard in Fydelia, writing….and I quote, “his cock is much larger than Liam’s”.

Riley swallowed hard, searching for the right words, ones that were truthful, yet, not so hurtful. She inhaled deeply, preparing to come clean of her offense, "Sweetheart, its just fanfiction and all that Drake stuff was just a really, really bad bet I lost. I swear, I have never, ever been with Drake."

Liam quirked his brow, "a really bad bet, huh?"

"Yes", she answered, tugging nervously at the tie on her robe. " I bet Burnsy I knew Drake better than she knew you, and...."

"Burnsy?"

"...but, when I took Anitah's quiz..."

"Quiz?"

"I didn't know about the mojitos and bears and a bunch of other shit and then Beeps had to make..."

"Beeps?"

"those monster Drake kids that are on my blog and I had to write smut, but, I didn't know how to write smut, so I had to watch porn....oh my god, there was so much porn, and ritachacha wanted to read it and...Im no ritachacha...so I drank and cried and binged on porn and bananas for two weeks solid and I attempted to hide the post but these turmblr girls are thristy and can sniff out smut, even the bad ones and Im so sorry Liam, Im so.....so sorry", she inhaled deeply trying to catch her breath from her long winded tangent.

"I have no idea what the hell you just said", he bit back, completely dumbfounded and baffled by her explanation.

"You don't understand what I said?"

"Do you?", he yelped.

Riley watched with trepidation as Liam tossed the laptop on the bed and eased himself up from the floor, wincing at the shooting pain in his back from the fall, rubbing and massaging the sore spot above his ass.

Riley moved towards him in an attempt to help, concerned about his injuries and wellbeing, but, he jerked away, hobbling to the other side of the room, keeping his back to her.

"Liam", her voice cracking as tears of shame began to fall. "Liam, please look at me....none of that is real..none of it...it was just a dumb bet".

He shot a glance sideways, still not completely looking at her, "so you wrote that you rode Drake's...collosus dick, harder than Seattle Slew because of a bet?".

She chuckled a little, amused by her husband's analogy, before quickly composing herself, "Was I not supposed to?", she replied innocently, "it was a bet, Liam...everyone knows you can't take back a bet".

Liam spun around to face her, shocked at the words that just spewed from her lips, "I see", he nodded, tapping the front of his chin. With a clenched jaw, he breathed deeply through his nose and exhaled sharply, his eyes speaking for him, full of disdain and hurt.

He strolled forward in her direction, stopping just shy of her petite frame. He leaned over until his reddened face was directly in front of hers and just inches apart, his voice clear and firm, "Then I bet your ass won't mind sleeping elsewhere tonight".

Riley's eyes widened, her mouth falling open, unable to find words. She watched in astonishment as he reached across the bed, retrieving her pillow before holding it out to her.

"You can't be serious?"

"Oh, I'm very serious", he stated matter-of-factly, "and if you want back in this bed anytime soon....or my "not as enormous as Drake's" cock, you will delete that fucking blog".

"I don't accept that bet, Your Majesty", she seethed, tossing the pillow back on the bed, sitting herself on the edge with her legs crossed and her hands folded on them. "I'm not going anywhere and I'm not deleting that blog".

Liam perched his lips, gliding his tongue along the inside of his cheek. Realizing she called his bluff, "Fine..", he yanked his pillow up and tucked it firmly under his arm, "I'll be in my study"

"Fine", she shrugged.

"Fine!"

Liam hastily exited the bedroom, slamming the door and did what he said he would do. He opened his desk drawer searching for anything that would take away the pounding in his head and the throb in his backside. He opened the bottle of Aleve and found it empty before throwing it across the room. He kept Riley's Midol in there too for when he needed to quell her bitchiness during certain times of the month. Helps with cramps, bloating, tension, backpain, headaches, irritablity, muscle aches and water weight gain, he had all of them.

Liam unloaded three into his mouth, washing them down with the bottle of whiskey he reserved for when Drake would drop by for a quick drink. He slumped down into his desk chair, still reeling from the audacity and nerve of his wife. He wanted her to feel as bad as he did at this moment, to see how her actions made him feel. It didn't matter if it was real or not, she wrote it. He knew in his heart she and Drake wouldn't betray him that way, but, did she want to? Did she really think his dick was small and that he was an asshole?

He thought to himself as he continued sipping on his drink, how could he make her see and feel exactly the way he does? He contemplated his options for several minutes, when, like a spark igniting, it came to him....two can play this game.

Liam's lips curled into a sinister grin, his eyes lighting up, as he pulled his chair closer to his desk, turning the computer on. He downed the rest of the bottle, tossing it aside, as he cracked his knuckles, preparing to give Riley a little taste of her own medicine.

----------------------

It was early Saturday morning when the sun just started to brighten the morning sky. A bright, warm ray shining through the balcony doors and landing squarely on Riley's face, her darkened complexion glowing more than usual. She yawned and stretched, feeling content from a good nights sleep.

Reaching her arm across the bed, she felt the emptiness of where Liam usually slept. Did she care that he was pissed off with her, of course. She loved him and never wanted to hurt him, but, she wouldn't be controlled, nor, intimidated by him. She was hopeful that by him sleeping in the study last night and a little time away from each other, it would cool him down and they could discuss this rationally.

With another big stretch and yawn, she noticed her laptop still sitting in the same spot on the bed Liam had left it last night. She lunged over and scooped the device into her arms.

Plugging in the charger, she fired up the app and immediately took note of the numerous tags she had from several of her mutuals for the same story. Curious, she clicked on the link taking her to a rather peculiar title:

"Liam Fucks Hana Five Ways From Sunday With His Enormous Dick"

A new collaborative drabble by @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore and newcomer @inyourfacerileybrooks-love-liam

NSFW 🍋🍋🍋

He had bamboozled her, and in doing so, somehow convinced Bleakmore to join into his scheme; she knew it was him.

"I'm going to slaughter him...LIAM!!!!!!!!"

Wacky Drabblers and Permatags: @emceesynonymroll @burnsoslow @jessiembruno @sirbeepsalot @dcbbw @romanticatheart-posts @stopforamoment @katedrakeohd @pedudley @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @drakesensworld @ao719 @janezillow @eileendannie @texaskitten30 @glaimtruelovealways @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @eileendannie @hopefulmoonobject

#liam x mc #wackydrabbles #liam x riley #trr liam #trh #trh fanfic #choices trh #trh liam #trh mc #the royal romance fanfic #the royal heir #the royal romance #long post

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shinelikethunder · 5 years ago

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Fandom Userscript Cookbook: Five Projects to Get Your Feet Wet

Target audience: This post is dedicated, with love, to all novice, aspiring, occasional, or thwarted coders in fandom. If you did a code bootcamp once and don’t know where to start applying your new skillz, this is for you. If you're pretty good with HTML and CSS but the W3Schools Javascript tutorials have you feeling out of your depth, this is for you. If you can do neat things in Python but don’t know a good entry point for web programming, this is for you. Seasoned programmers looking for small, fun, low-investment hobby projects with useful end results are also welcome to raid this post for ideas.

You will need:

The Tampermonkey browser extension to run and edit userscripts

A handful of example userscripts from greasyfork.org. Just pick a few that look nifty and install them. AO3 Savior is a solid starting point for fandom tinkering.

Your browser dev tools. Hit F12 or right click > Inspect Element to find the stuff on the page you want to tweak and experiment with it. Move over to the Console tab once you’ve got code to test out and debug.

Javascript references and tutorials. W3Schools has loads of both. Mozilla’s JS documentation is top-notch, and I often just keep their reference lists of built-in String and Array functions open in tabs as I code. StackOverflow is useful for questions, but don’t assume the code snippets you find there are always reliable or copypastable.

That’s it. No development environment. No installing node.js or Ruby or Java or two different versions of Python. No build tools, no dependency management, no fucking Docker containers. No command line, even. Just a browser extension, the browser’s built-in dev tools, and reference material. Let’s go.

You might also want:

jQuery and its documentation. If you’re wrestling with a mess of generic spans and divs and sparse, unhelpful use of classes, jQuery selectors are your best bet for finding the element you want before you snap and go on a murderous rampage. jQuery also happens to be the most ubiquitous JS library out there, the essential Swiss army knife for working with Javascript’s... quirks, so experience with it is useful. It gets a bad rap because trying to build a whole house with a Swiss army knife is a fool’s errand, but it’s excellent for the stuff we're about to do.

Git or other source control, if you’ve already got it set up. By all means share your work on Github. Greasy Fork can publish a userscript from a Github repo. It can also publish a userscript from an uploaded text file or some code you pasted into the upload form, so don’t stress about it if you’re using a more informal process.

A text editor. Yes, seriously, this is optional. It’s a question of whether you’d rather code everything right there in Tampermonkey’s live editor, or keep a separate copy to paste into Tampermonkey’s live editor for testing. Are you feeling lucky, punk?

Project #1: Hack on an existing userscript

Install some nifty-looking scripts for websites you visit regularly. Use them. Ponder small additions that would make them even niftier. Take a look at their code in the Tampermonkey editor. (Dashboard > click on the script name.) Try to figure out what each bit is doing.

Then change something, hit save, and refresh the page.

Break it. Make it select the wrong element on the page to modify. Make it blow up with a huge pile of console errors. Add a console.log("I’m a teapot"); in the middle of a loop so it prints fifty times. Savor your power to make the background wizardry of the internet do incredibly dumb shit.

Then try a small improvement. It will probably break again. That's why you've got the live editor and the console, baby--poke it, prod it, and make it log everything it's doing until you've made it work.

Suggested bells and whistles to make the already-excellent AO3 Savior script even fancier:

Enable wildcards on a field that currently requires an exact match. Surely there’s at least one song lyric or Richard Siken quote you never want to see in any part of a fic title ever again, right?

Add some text to the placeholder message. Give it a pretty background color. Change the amount of space it takes up on the page.

Blacklist any work with more than 10 fandoms listed. Then add a line to the AO3 Savior Config script to make the number customizable.

Add a global blacklist of terms that will get a work hidden no matter what field they're in.

Add a list of blacklisted tag combinations. Like "I'm okay with some coffee shop AUs, but the ones that are also tagged as fluff don't interest me, please hide them." Or "Character A/Character B is cute but I don't want to read PWP about them."

Anything else you think of!

Project #2: Good Artists Borrow, Great Artists Fork (DIY blacklisting)

Looking at existing scripts as a model for the boilerplate you'll need, create a script that runs on a site you use regularly that doesn't already have a blacklisting/filtering feature. If you can't think of one, Dreamwidth comments make a good guinea pig. (There's a blacklist script for them out there, but reinventing wheels for fun is how you learn, right? ...right?) Create a simple blacklisting script of your own for that site.

Start small for the site-specific HTML wrangling. Take an array of blacklisted keywords and log any chunk of post/comment text that contains one of them.

Then try to make the post/comment it belongs to disappear.

Then add a placeholder.

Then get fancy with whitelists and matching metadata like usernames/titles/tags as well.

Crib from existing blacklist scripts like AO3 Savior as shamelessly as you feel the need to. If you publish the resulting userscript for others to install (which you should, if it fills an unmet need!), please comment up any substantial chunks of copypasted or closely-reproduced code with credit/a link to the original. If your script basically is the original with some key changes, like our extra-fancy AO3 Savior above, see if there’s a public Git repo you can fork.

Project #3: Make the dread Tumblr beast do a thing

Create a small script that runs on the Tumblr dashboard. Make it find all the posts on the page and log their IDs. Then log whether they're originals or reblogs. Then add a fancy border to the originals. Then add a different fancy border to your own posts. All of this data should be right there in the post HTML, so no need to derive it by looking for "x reblogged y" or source links or whatever--just make liberal use of Inspect Element and the post's data- attributes.

Extra credit: Explore the wildly variable messes that Tumblr's API spews out, and try to recreate XKit's timestamps feature with jQuery AJAX calls. (Post timestamps are one of the few reliable API data points.) Get a zillion bright ideas about what else you could do with the API data. Go through more actual post data to catalogue all the inconsistencies you’d have to catch. Cry as Tumblr kills the dream you dreamed.

Project #4: Make the dread Tumblr beast FIX a thing

Create a script that runs on individual Tumblr blogs (subdomains of tumblr.com). Browse some blogs with various themes until you've found a post with the upside-down reblog-chain bug and a post with reblogs displaying normally. Note the HTML differences between them. Make the script detect and highlight upside-down stacks of blockquotes. Then see if you can make it extract the blockquotes and reassemble them in the correct order. At this point you may be mobbed by friends and acquaintainces who want a fix for this fucking bug, which you can take as an opportunity to bury any lingering doubts about the usefulness of your scripting adventures.

(Note: Upside-down reblogs are the bug du jour as of September 2019. If you stumble upon this post later, please substitute whatever the latest Tumblr fuckery is that you'd like to fix.)

Project #5: Regular expressions are a hard limit

I mentioned up above that Dreamwidth comments are good guinea pigs for user scripting? You know what that means. Kinkmemes. Anon memes too, but kinkmemes (appropriately enough) offer so many opportunities for coding masochism. So here's a little exercise in sadism on my part, for anyone who wants to have fun (or "fun") with regular expressions:

Write a userscript that highlights all the prompts on any given page of a kinkmeme that have been filled.

Specifically, scan all the comment subject lines on the page for anything that looks like the title of a kinkmeme fill, and if you find one, highlight the prompt at the top of its thread. The nice ones will start with "FILL:" or end with "part 1/?" or "3/3 COMPLETE." The less nice ones will be more like "(former) minifill [37a / 50(?)] still haven't thought of a name for this thing" or "title that's just the subject line of the original prompt, Chapter 3." Your job is to catch as many of the weird ones as you can using regular expressions, while keeping false positives to a minimum.

Test it out on a real live kinkmeme, especially one without strict subject-line-formatting policies. I guarantee you, you will be delighted at some of the arcane shit your script manages to catch. And probably astonished at some of the arcane shit you never thought to look for because who the hell would even format a kinkmeme fill like that? Truly, freeform user input is a wonderful and terrible thing.

If that's not enough masochism for you, you could always try to make the script work on LiveJournal kinkmemes too!

#userscripts #greasemonkey #tampermonkey #fandom #coding

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systematical-destruction · 5 years ago

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Sometimes I really do feel like the only one who thinks that this whole fodder naming fiasco is just so stupid and has such a simple solution yet people refuse to even acknowledge it said solution: be fucking nice. be the BETTER PERSON. it feels like people get way too arrogant and are very quick to say “the rules are in my favor! I could name all my fodder ‘stupidface’ and no one can give me shit for it! YOU are the one who sold that fodder unnamed!” which is true, yes. But also makes you look like a major cunt, just saying. Here on tumblr I don’t expect people to be nice, no. Rant on here as much as you want I guess. But on a fucking dragon petsite meant for 13yr olds, where you can’t even say a swear, it really rubs me the wrong way when people act this way straight to other players’ faces. The name rule is there so that the staff won’t have to rename people’s dragons left and right, NOT so that you could act like an arrogant little shit about it. The rules say “be nice and respectful” just like they say “don’t harass someone over what they do with their dragon”. IT GOES BOTH WAYS. Everyone has feelings, not just you. Just because some dumbass kid gets overly emotional over a dragon name to the point where they harass you over it, doesn’t mean you are allowed to be a cunt about it, spew some bullshit about teh rulz and tell everyone to just suck it up and cry harder. It doesn’t make you the better person in that situation. I cannot stress this enough. Flight Rising is a public game, full of dumb kids that don’t know any better. Have some basic human decency and DON’T use fodder names that are clearly going to rile some of those kids (and adults, let’s be honest) up. Be. The better. Person. Be nice on a god damn innocent little dragon game. And before anyone makes any assumptions, no, I do not sell unnamed fodder. In fact, I barely sell dragons at all, and if I do, they ARE all named. And even if I did sell an unnamed dragon and it ended up with a trash name, I would be the last person you’d see getting mad about it. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not an immature dumb kid. I do buy fodder, however, and give them all randomizer names, which takes as little effort as giving them all the same name. Don’t even gotta be creative, the randomizer does it all for me. Anyway if you even read this far you must really hate me now because this seems to be the norm on FR, asking people to ‘be nice’ falls under dictating how they should play the game as much as any other small request and warrants nothing but hostility

#flight rising

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varricmancer · 6 years ago

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Lost And Found | 1

Also available on AO3

Pairing: Varric Tethras x OC

Word Count: 4,075

Summary: Instead of the nothingness she had craved, Crystal woke up in the world of Thedas. What had once been merely a story that she loved now seemed very real and she was right in the heart of it all. She soon finds a reason to live again and a love in the arms of someone as quietly broken as her.

Warnings: Attempted suicide (not graphic, but possible trigger). The OC has depression and low self-esteem, so don’t expect her to be some bright mary sue. At the same time, this sounds darker than it is. It’s going to have fluff and comedy and all that eventually, but OC has some growing to do first. She’s just not the usual strong and easygoing character many oc’s are. She’s more of a delicate creature. Also, it is Dragon Age, so there will be descriptions of war/battles/violence.

Notes: And there we go, a beginning. This was nearly 10k, but I felt like that was too long for tumblr to handle each chapter, so I’ve cut them into smaller ones. So the next chapter will be here very soon. Regardless of how this fic goes in the future, I’m happy that I finally typed something up for this, after nearly a decade of wanting to. I played fast and loose with characters and timelines sometimes to fit my story, so don’t kill me. PLEASE let me know what you think.

The view was lovely.

The moon was full and bright, reflecting off of the rippling water in a way that called to her. It was so calm and quiet here tonight, unusual for this particular bridge. Almost like the world decided to finally do her a favor and make sure that no one was around except for the ducks to witness her one last dumb decision.

She was so tired.

Tired of everything. Tired of having nothing. Tired of being alone.

There would be no one to mourn her. No one to care.

She closed her eyes and let go.

It was time to rest.

As consciousness came to her, so did despair.

She couldn’t even get dying right.

Flashes of murky water filling her lungs turned into green shadows surrounding her, whispering as they pulled her lower. They promised it wasn’t her time. She had a purpose and somewhere she belonged. That she was under someone’s protection. That she needed to live more and become strong. She hadn’t believed them. Thought them to be some sort of hallucination.

Whatever had happened, she was apparently still alive.

Her eyes fluttered open, cringing as she realized her arm was killing her. She managed to raise her head up enough to glance at her left arm, seeing that it was wrapped in some sort of cloth sling. She didn’t remember hitting anything when she was in the water, but it certainly felt like something had happened to it. She could hear moans of pain and soft voices murmuring to them. She tried to sit up a little more, releasing a whimper as she realized her ribs hurt as well.

“Hush now. Lay back, child. You’ve been quite injured,” a soft voice ordered as they placed a gentle hand on her head to coax her back down. “Can you tell me your name?”

“Crystal. Crystal Foster,” she responded, looking up at the strange woman leaning over the little cot she was on.

The outfit the older woman was wearing looked strangely familiar, all crimson and gold with splashes of white. The tall headpiece bore similar colors and a name came to mind as she observed it.

But it couldn’t be.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Crystal. I am Mother Giselle. Do you remember where you are?”

Crystal knew she could be in one of three places, depending on the timeline, but she was almost afraid to voice any of them. The conclusion she was coming to about where she could be was insane. She must have finally lost her mind. Or maybe she was in a coma after being fished out of the lake. Maybe the afterlife was some sort of limbo where you just lived through scenes of whatever had brought you happiness during life.

“I...I am not sure.”

Mother Giselle pet her hair gently, trying to calm her as the slowly rising panic became more obvious.

“We are currently in the Hinterlands. This area is the Crossroads. Is anything sounding familiar, dear?”

Shit. She was in fucking Dragon Age. As in the video game she’s been playing and obsessing over for nearly a decade. She’s had dreams about this place before, but nothing so vivid. Nothing where she felt every ache in her body, could smell all the various scents of the little village outside, could hear conversations that she’d never heard in the game.

“Yes. I know where I am now,” she answered shakily.

Mother Giselle breathed a sigh that sounded like relief, probably happy she didn’t have someone that had lost their mind on her hands.

Little did she know.

“I’m afraid your arm is broken and two of your ribs are cracked, not surprising considering how high that tear in the sky was and with you being so small. We’ve been giving you healing potions and have set the bones in your arm, but those only go so far. Most of the mages skilled in the healing arts are either in the battle or have gone to Redcliffe, otherwise we would have had you healed and out of here within a couple of days. Instead, you’ll have to take it easy and drink some of the elfroot tonic every six hours.”

“Tear in the sky?”

Mother Giselle’s eyebrow rose in surprise. “Were you not aware of how you got here, dear? You fell from one of those horrid green tears right onto the ground below. Since they’ve appeared, we’ve only seen demons spew from them, but we had you looked over and you seem to be a regular human. The only other person we know of that just emerged from beyond like you is the man they are calling the Herald of Andraste. Perhaps you are here to aid him.”

“I don’t know about that, but I can assure you I’m not evil or anything.”

“That’s good. Now that you are awake, I will have someone bring you some water and broth. You’ve been out of it for a couple of days and we couldn’t get you to take much. You’ll want to sip the broth slowly, then we’ll move you onto solid food tomorrow. Do you have any family you’d like us to alert to your presence here? You’re going to have to be careful for a few weeks and it would be helpful to have a family member to assist you.”

“I don’t. There’s no one.” No one in real life or this crazy dream.

“I’m sorry to hear that, my child. This is a trying time for everyone; many here have lost their families as well. You’re free to stay in the village for the time being, if you’d like. I’d worry if you wandered off while you’re so injured. Once you’re fit, we could always use your help around the village. There’s so few of us left here and we need all the help we can get.” Mother Giselle sighs wearily and pats Crystal’s hand. “There’s a hut that just opened up that I can put you in for now. The owner passed away a few days ago after being attacked by bandits. We can get you set up tomorrow after you rest a bit more. I’ll ask Corporal Vale about supplies for you and perhaps some tasks that will keep you busy while you heal.”

“Thank you, Mother Giselle.”

“You’re welcome, child. Eat, sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Mother Giselle left the large tent after speaking to someone that Crystal assumed was a healer. They nodded after whatever they’d been told, leaving together, hopefully to get the promised food and water. Her throat was killing her. She took a moment to glance to her right, seeing five other cots lined in the tent, filled with people in various states of health.

Crystal took stock of her situation. She was injured in the middle of the Hinterlands, a place that came from a video game. The NPC’s were talking and moving and breathing like real people. She didn’t know if she was dead or not so this could be a coma, some weird limbo thing, or she’d finally lost her damn mind. She supposed there were worse things to hallucinate about.

Except if she was in the Crossroads at the same time as Mother Giselle, that meant they were in the early stages of Inquisition, and there would be Mages and Templars battling everywhere. Not to mention, there was a shortage of food and other supplies. She wondered how long it would be until the Herald got here.

Crystal let herself have a little fangirl moment as she thought about the fact that she might see the Inquisitor in the flesh, and their party. Well, as flesh-like as whatever this insane dream would allow. Everyone else seemed real enough, why not them? She wondered who it was.

The chantry woman that Mother Giselle had been talking to before finally came back with a tray holding a bowl of broth, a small chunk of bread, some water, and a small vial of green liquid. She pulled a tiny table out of the corner and placed it in front of the bed, putting the tray on top of it and placing the spoon in Crystal’s unhurt right hand.

“Hello there! Make sure you drink your broth before taking your healing potion. You haven't had much in the way of food for a couple days and I don’t want you to upset your stomach. There’s a tiny bit of bread there, just in case you feel like you can handle it.”

“Thank you,” Crystal responded gratefully, stomach gurgling at the thought of food, even if it was just broth and bread. She doubted they had much more than this anyway, if the game was anything to go by.

Once every bit on the tray was gone, she attempted to drink the potion. It tasted similar to the wheatgrass shots she’d occasionally get at a smoothie shop when she wanted to pretend she was healthy. She shrugged and chugged it down, the healer giggling at her obvious disgusted face.

Once the hunger pangs were gone, Crystal could feel just how exhausted she was. How you could feel tired in a dream, she had no idea, but she decided to stop questioning everything and just go with it. She’d wake up eventually, she supposed. She hissed from the pain of her ribs as she adjusted herself back down on the cot. What she wouldn’t give for a pillow. She sighed and closed her eyes, falling into a deep sleep.

Of all the fucking places in Thedas she could have been thrown into, it had to be the damn Hinterlands. She hated this place enough in the games, but it was nothing compared to the reality of actually living here.

She’d been in the Crossroads for a total of three weeks and it was so far very much like an extended camping trip, only with more actual death around her.

The hut that she’d been given wasn’t completely horrible. The man that had lived here before had lost all of his family months before he himself had died, and he’d kept all of their things in here. She’d managed to find some clothes that had belonged to his daughter that was small enough for her to wear, and easy enough to deal with one-handed. The wife had plenty of clothes here, but with Crystal being a mere five feet tall, they were practically tents on her.

Unfortunately, the furs and blankets the man had in the hut had already been distributed among the survivors, leaving her with only one fur to put on top of the cot to make it somewhat comfortable, and a raggedy blanket no thicker than a light cloak to cover with. The nights were steadily growing colder and she missed the heating in her apartment.

Bathing was another issue. Crystal managed to wash up a bit by boiling some water at night and wiping herself down with a cloth, but without any soap there was only so much she could do. She usually braided her brown hair into one long rope, it being the only hairstyle she could manage with her hair as gross as it was. She’d heard that the people used to be able to get scented soaps from Redcliffe, but with the Templar and mage battles taking over the area they’d shut the gates and the village here had decided they had more important things to worry about than body odor.

Food was also getting incredibly scarce. Everyone was too terrified to go hunting with all the fighting everywhere. She remembered that there was an area filled with rams not too far from here in the game, but with only one arm functioning she couldn’t help. She’d tried to talk to others about it, but many here were still wary of the outsider and not willing to brave the fields.

Still, people were starting to fuss, but Crystal held onto the knowledge that the Herald would be here at any moment. She’d questioned Mother Giselle a few days after she’d first woken up, and she’d learned that word had already been sent to Haven that the need for aid here was great. As her stomach grumbled for the third time, she hoped it would be today. One bowl of what was basically hot water filled with herbs was all she’d had for the past couple of days, since she always passed the bread and jerky she’d been given off to the children.

Most of her time here had been spent helping with the wounded, although the blood and guts were something she still had trouble getting used to. She didn’t think she’d make a good healer anytime soon, but she made herself useful on the sidelines. Though the healers looked at her strangely for it, she often could be found sterilizing their equipment and bandages in boiling water and alcohol, having watched enough medical dramas to know a few things about cleanliness and infection. She tossed leeches out as soon as she spied them, remembering all the gruesome deaths she’d heard about due to bloodletting and their use.

Most often she could be found simply sitting next to the patients giving what comfort she could. They often entrusted her with letters to their families or begged her to just talk to them. She held their hand as they drew their last breath. Often, seeing how desperate some of them were to live made her feel guilty that she’d ever thought to give up her own life so easily. She knew that if she ever woke up or got another chance, the faces of the people crying because they didn’t want to go would haunt her enough that she didn’t think she’d make the same choice again.

As for her theory that this was all a dream, it was being tested on a daily basis. When she could feel the sharp pangs of hunger every day and hear the agonizing screams of the dying it was a little harder to believe. After burying little four year old Alice today because she got hit by a stray fireball when she wandered a little far from home, it seemed very real. Just yesterday she had the girl sitting right in front of her as she’d told a rapt group of kids the story of Pinnochio. She’d been full of laughter and questions, just the sweetest little thing. And now she was buried next to her mother who had died just a week prior, leaving her father all alone. He hadn’t wanted either of them on a pyre like they did with most of their dead here, and Crystal had stood up for him against the Chantry people telling him he shouldn’t. She knew that having them somewhere he could visit would be a great comfort.

There was no way that any dream of hers would force her to go through something like this, though. Not even if she was in some sort of limbo as punishment for what she’d done. These people were real and dying, but she didn’t know how or why she was here. Only the strange flashes of memory after she’d hit the water.

Crystal had escaped to her little hut after the small ceremony for Alice to mourn in peace. All of this death was so new to her that it was almost unbearable. She wished she had the courage to fight to make this stop, but didn’t think she could do it. She had the knowledge that could help, but to actually pick up a sword and go out there was madness. She’d be dead in minutes. Years of working in retail in the middle of a big city sadly did not prepare you for living in a battle zone.

To help keep her mind off things, she stood at the little side table that she’d converted into a sort of workspace. With everyone so busy actually using the potions to keep the wounded alive, there hadn’t been a lot of time for the healers to make the potions themselves. And the nearest Alchemist that anyone knew of was all the way in Haven. Crystal had taken it upon herself to help with that, figuring it wouldn’t be too difficult to brew a few potions with one arm. Though their supplies were running very low, she did the best she could with the instructions that one of the sisters had given her. She’d been told her results were good and she found the task soothing. When she was in here brewing, she wasn’t out there listening to the cries of pain and hunger.

She’d just thrown a handful of elfroot into her mortar -wishing it was a juicer instead - when a light knock rattled the rickety wooden door. Curiously, she wandered over and answered the door, smiling as the older man was revealed.

“Giles! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Giles was a sweet man, probably in his early fifties and acted like he was the mayor here. As the “village” was merely a series of houses placed around the crossroads, there was no mayor needed, but Giles worked like one anyway. He was a font of information and a horrible gossip, not a great combination in most cases, but luckily he was a kind man. He was one of the first to treat Crystal like an actual person instead of the freak that fell out of the sky.

“Came to share a bit of bounty. Knew you probably wouldn’t peek yer nose out of the door unless someone made ya. Going ta stay and make sure ye actually eat it all down and don’t give it away fer once too.”

The smell hit her first. The rich scent of warm roasted meat filled her senses. Her mouth began watering even before he pulled off the cloth to reveal a plate full of meat, a couple of potatoes, and a bit of cabbage. The pains in her stomach that she’d begun to get used to felt almost excruciating as she accepted the plate with shaking hands.

“Where did this come from?”

Giles patted his own belly that she noticed extended a tad more than usual today, probably having already feasted himself. He sat himself down in the old rocking chair in the corner, sighing loudly as he settled in.

“That lad they call the Herald came by with his crew. They ran into a bear on their way here and apparently had no trouble. Even brought some supplies from Haven with them, so we were able to make everyone a decent meal for once. Shame we have to wait for the bear hide to be tanned properly before it can be used, but that’ll be one more blanket for someone when it’s done.”

Crystal was already shamelessly digging into the meat with her bare hands as he explained, too hungry to care about things like manners right now. She’d never eaten bear before in her life, but she was so hungry this rivaled even the Wagyu beef she’d tried once, and that was supposedly the best steak in the world.

“See, lass, everyone is hungry but don’t think I don’t know why you’re that hungry. I’ve seen ya sneaking yer bread and whatnot to the little ones. Slow down so you don’t hurt your stomach there,” Giles wagged his finger, her only answer a pleased moan as she bit into the roasted potato. It was just a potato, but it could have been an ice cream sundae based on the way she relished it.

With her belly slowly filling for the first time in days, she was able to concentrate a little more on what Giles was currently rambling on about.

“Wait, did you say The Herald was here? I missed him?!”

“Well, ye were off helping with Thomas’s wee lass. They came and dropped everything off, had a word with the Mother and Vale and off they went. One of the villagers mentioned the field of rams up the hill so they’ve gone off to hunt for us. Said they’d be back in an hour or two.” Giles grabbed her mug, pouring her a glass of water and pushing it towards her with a nod that he wanted her to pause for a drink. She accepted it, her hand still slightly shaking from lack of food. She hoped she wouldn’t spill on herself, although that wouldn’t be the first time today.

Giles scowled, “Mother Giselle told them about ye and the boy's eyes lit up so I imagine they’ll want ta have a word. Just be careful and don’t let them talk you into doing anything you don’t want to do. If he’s Herald of Andraste, yer Andraste herself. He’s not the boss of ye.”

Crystal snorted, poking around her plate as she tried to pace herself.

“Pretty sure that’s blasphemy. What would Mother Giselle say?”

“Don’t rightly care, lass. You’ve done more for the people here than she has, and ye do it with only one working hand and nothing to yer name. You go out of yer way to help others before yerself, and the people can tell ye actually care. The Mother does it because she sees it as her duty. In fact, she’s been looking a little tubby lately while ye give the little ones yer share o’ the food.”

“Oh, hush. She does quite a lot too. I don’t have half of her skills.”

“Ye don’t need skills to have a heart, lass. People overlook ye because you’re such a quiet, wee thing. But I see ye. If I had any, I’d bet money that all of Thedas is going ta know yer name soon, and they’re all going to love ye.”

“You’re a drama queen.”

Giles lifted an eyebrow. “How am I a Queen, girl?”

Crystal giggled. “It means someone that is overly dramatic.”

“Why didn’t ye just say that then? Always with the strange words that mean something other than what ye say.”

Crystal laughed at Gile’s perplexed but amused grin before attacking the rest of her meal. She finished in record time, almost sad when she took the last bite of cabbage. Her stomach felt bloated, almost uncomfortably so, but she was full for the first time in weeks.

Giles took the plate from her, patting her on the head as he stood up from the rocking chair and walked to the door.

“They cleared out some of the road if you wanted to go looking for herbs for yer potions. There should be plenty of elfroot to the left of the main road. If ye walk a little further north, there will be plenty of spindleweed. I’ll tell Vale to lend ye a man fer protection.”

“Thank you, Giles. And thank you for the food.”

“Yer welcome, lass. I’m going to watch the roads while these newcomers roam if ya need me. Remember what I said. Don’t let them bully ye. You’re more than welcome to make your home here if ya want, or go with the lad if they can help with all that tear in the sky business.”

Giles left the hut, closing the barely stable door softly behind him. Crystal sighs wearily and sinks into the chair. She could feel her body working hard to get used to having food in it again and she felt extremely tired, much like she used to feel after a huge Thanksgiving meal when she was a kid. She didn’t think she had the energy to go hunting for herbs today. Instead, she’d hoard the bit of energy she had left so she’d be ready to meet the Inquisitor.

She still had no clue who it was. Giles hadn’t said anything about what race The Herald was, but he had called him a boy. Perhaps it was a human male. Giles was a very unjudgemental man, but even he would have said something if a huge Qunari had wandered into the village claiming to be The Herald.

At least she knew who the companions would be. The game always started with Solas, Varric, and Cassandra. Crystal had been very much looking forward to them getting here in the hopes that Solas would be able to properly heal her. If she continued the way she was, it would be another five months before her arm was healed. A mage like Solas could have her healed up in moments.

She was also very excited to see Varric. He’d been one of her favorite characters for years, and the thought that she was about to meet him in person blew her mind.

Crystal giggled to herself at the image of her fangirling over them, squealing like a nutjob. She knew that she wouldn’t do that, but the image of Cassandra having to deal with a crazy fan was hilarious.

She pushed herself up, humming to herself as she checked on the healing potion she’d already started. She had plenty to keep her occupied until they came back.

((AN: Don’t ask me why Giles suddenly sounded like he came from the highlands of Scotland. He told me what to say and I just wrote it down. PLEASE let me know what you thought of this so far. Since it’s my first attempt at writing for DA I need all the feedback I can get))

#Dragon age #DAI #DA #Dragon age fanfic #dragon age fanfiction #Varric #Varric Tethras #Varric fanfic #Varric fanfiction #Varric x oc

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guillotinedream · 6 years ago

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NOT to be controversial or anything but some of y’all should really just take a second to evaluate yourselves and do some deep thinking. Some of you are really juvenile and it shows.

It would do the fandom a HUGE favor if you could just, not. Not be so immature. Yeah. Literally nobody wants to deal with this drama, but some of you thrive off of it and you can tell. If y’all behaved and stopped acting like two year olds this fandom would be more fun to be in.

Ive had friends literally leave the fandom alltogether because they cant stand dealing with the drama.

I know people who have literally wanted to harm themselves because some people decided to claw their way from the depths of the sewer they were concieved in and send the most awful anon hate. They were too cowardly to say that shit to their faces because the filth they were spewing was so disgusting.

And honestly some others of you just need to relax. Not everyone who disagrees with you needs to be covered in pitch, feathered, and thrown off the grand canyon or crucified. It really aint that deep y’all need to chill. Go see a therapist or take anger management classes or something because some of your behavior is teally toxic. Its not okay or healthy behavior to anonymously attack someone over differing opinions, dislike of blog content, or weeks old drama.

It doesnt take a genius to be able to talk things out. If you have beef with someone, talk it out. Be mature and see if you can come to a conclusion. If you cant end up figuring anything out, just block them and ignore their existence alltogether. The block button is right there. Use it, and dont talk shit afterwards. Move on from unsavory experiences instead of brooding on them for an unhealthily long time. (Ive seen this happen multiple times actually)

And honestly? It costs you 0 dollars to behave and stop harassing people. Unless the person has done unforgivable shit, linking their user to send your followers after them is not okay. “but miss skeleton!!” I hear you cry. “We didnt KNOW linking their user would send my followers to attack that person! I didnt ask them to so im not at fault!” Shut up. Yes you are. You knew what you were doing. If you link anyone’s name over personal beef you have with them and make a public post about PERSONAL BEEF. You are sending your audience to attack them and its really unnecessary and cruel.

Please talk things out like that over DMS or shit. Dont put personal beef in the public. I think some of you forget that your followers are real life people and that your posts arent going to have any influence on other people because its the internet. Take a moment to remember that this is real life. Even if you cant see their face you are still speaking to or about a human being. Its really immature to act otherwise.

Im not gonna lie. The stress y’all put yourselves and others through over this is really mindblowing and should frankly just stop. Relax and grow up. The stress of this fandom is going to give me a fucking stroke.

SPEAK TO PEOPLE IF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE. IF NOTHING CAN BE RESOLVED, BLOCK THEM. THERE IS NO USE BEATING A DEAD HORSE. FORGET ABOUT THEIR EXISTENCE. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIVES.

Im not even an rdr blog. Im not a fandom blog at all. Im just some chick who wanted a place to have fun, talk about my favorite characters, and enjoy content. I dont think thats asking for much right? Now dont get me wrong, some of you are amazing and i absolutely love your blogs. A lot of people who are in the fandom are nice. But that doesnt excuse the incredibly toxic behavior ive witnessed. Something has to be said by SOMEONE, because i havent seen jack shit so far and this shit happens a lot.

If you still dont get my point.

It aint that deep

Anyways. TLDR; Dont harass people over anon. Dont harass people in general. Dont be a dick, these are real human beings you are dealing with. We all want to have a good time, so be mature and lets have a good time.

edit: sorry for formatting. Tumblr is dumb and refuses to allow anything that makes it easier to read.

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forthebetterevil · 6 years ago

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the fattest personal ramble i’ll ever post on this hellsite coz i need to get it out of my system

about heart flutters and confusion from an asexual who has yet to figure out (or is very close to figuring out through this ramble?) her romantic orientation

okay so let me get this out of the way: i’m asexual. specifically autochorrisexual. shipping brings me joy and those nasty (but not TOO nasty...) E-rated fics are what i’m down for, but i balk at the thought of my own self being involved in any sex-related activity. i have never wanted to engage in sexual acts with anyone in my life, and i swear i have TRIED to think about it, daydream about it, to “test” if my mind can really fathom the act of sex upon my own body.... i can’t. my mind literally snuffs out the mental image of sex when i am the subject, as if it isn’t possible, and especially since i don’t desire it. (i’m pretty okay with imagining 2 OTHER people getting down on each other tho.) i’m asexual so i don’t actually know what sexual attraction is, but i did try to search a bit on what that feeling is, and i’m not gonna lie, i can’t relate a single bit fam, which further helps me solidify my asexual identity.

that solidification didn’t come easy. i had to go through countless rounds of considerations, to try to pick apart the str8 agenda that society and mass media have been feeding me for as long as i lived. but once i realised this label worked far better for me than any other label in the lgbtq spectrum, i was like, yes! i found it! i found me. and i have never found anything contradictory to the label that i found for my sexuality. so that’s gr8 m8 8/8 coz that gave me the feeling of security of knowing myself, and i could read up on similar experiences through other asexual people online and not feel like i’m just immature for my age or whatever crap people think of asexuals (i didn’t read what aphobes on tumblr have to say because why would i want to make myself upset when i’m just living my life...).

whoops i rambled but YEAH SO I’M ASEXUAL. (thanks tumblr for introducing this concept to me, for once, because without tumblr i would just be confused and irritated i’m not feeling things that i “should”)

as some of you might know, if you’ve done some digging about your sexuality, a common theme that pops up in explanations is the distinction between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. i already got the latter nailed down, hooray for me.

what’s romantic attraction then? this question would push me down the rabbit hole and end in me still pummelling but now into a bottomless water body where the surface i hit is the question, “what’s LOVE, then?”

i lazily decided i wouldn’t need to deal with romantic attraction if i never experienced it, so i just didn’t define my romantic orientation. lol. i mean, i only had a crush once in my life and that was when i was 9-years-old but that little “infatuation” lasted for about 10 years because that’s how fixated i get on things (and as it turns out, people) i favour LMAO so...?? during the period of my asexuality discovery and general maturation, i figured i only liked him for that long because of the IDEA of what i THOUGHT he was like --- i didn’t speak to him for extended periods of time during those 10 years, so clearly who my heart wants isn’t him, but just what i thought he would be like (something like the “perfect man”, but mixed in with his “flaws” i knew i could tolerate, because he’s human too and i try to be reasonable).

and it was also then that i learnt Love was a Choice. SO. i let go. i still look up to him and stuff, but i’m not going to let that millennium-long crush take up unnecessary space at the back of my mind anymore.

i was putting my bets on grayromantic or demiromantic, but this time i wasn’t, and couldn’t be, as sure of my identification as i was when i knew i was asexual. i don’t know. i can’t say it’s because i yearn for affection because frankly speaking i can go without it, i can be quite detached and can remain that way for a long time. maybe it’s because i didn’t want to dismiss the possibility of experiencing a (generally) positive feeling poets wax lyrical about. i mean nothing wrong if you’re aromantic, but i felt like i had the CAPACITY to love romantically. whatever that meant.

k i’ve rambled enough. long story short, someone new caught my eye (not literally lmao looks ain’t shit to me), and i don’t know what to make of it. so here’s my confusion.

(pardon me for coming off like a 13-year-old with a crush, but i legitimately thought about all this shit over the past few weeks)

his personality is lively and charming (to me!). his humour isn’t totally in sync with mine, but i can still chuckle along. he’s not a toxic hetero dude (yeah low bar but i just had to put it out there), he supports the LGBTQ+ community (i don’t know his sexual orientation but it doesn’t matter to me). he has Intellectual Opinions that aren’t obnoxious or are spewed to seem like a smartass or edgelord. he puts effort into his endeavours, he has a good attitude in general. oh and here’s the best part: i can’t properly gauge if i caught HIS eye, but if i did, he’s not showing it in creepy ways that other boys have. (small example: we all stay in something like a hostel. i offer to buy a snack from the convenience store for this dude who happened to be studying in a common area on my level at 2am (lol what’s a sleep schedule m’pals), because i’m going to go there at that very moment. mind you this dude and i have only recently been acquainted. dude says no thanks. i’m like okay. i go to the convenience store. i picked my items from the shelf, turn around, and BAM, HE’S RIGHT THERE. “um didn’t you say you didn’t want anything?” “oh no i just thought of following you here. it’s late.” you think it’s sweet or some shit but no because the convenience store is located within the university grounds and our country has one of the lowest crime rates ever so the reason he was giving was pretty illogical, no one does this shit. now i’m socially obligated to feel thankful for your chivalry or some shit??? i hate that. these dudes don’t ever fucking consider the context of chivalry before acting on it, did you legitimately think i would be comfortable and safer with you, a mere acquaintance, “accompanying” me to the store. ugh. ok whoops i digressed.)

here i admit, my heart flutters when i see him. so now i ask myself... is this infatuation, or do i legitimately want to be in a romantic relationship with him? wait, what’s a romantic relationship? WAIT, WHAT IS LOVE? (tw1ce kpop fans gtfo of my post lmao)

i proceed to analyse my behaviour towards him to try to determine if it’s legitimate romantic attraction. heart flutter, check. stumble over words, check. spew dumb shit in front of him, check. try to subtly catch his attention in a group setting, check. actually play along with his teasing, check. actually initiating conversations with him with HIM as the subject, check. (please note that after one too many creepy dudes’ advances after i try to be friendly and open and bubbly and polite because that’s just how i am, i consciously made an effort NOT to ask questions about THEM in any conversation i had to engage in with them because i frankly dgaf about their lives and i don’t want to make them think i did. i only used to ask out of courtesy because they asked me something first. but now i’m like fuck that. in my current situation, i actually still do not really care about what he does if it doesn’t concern me LMAO, but i ask just to give the impression that i do.) wishing i could see him for one more time, check.

BUT WAIT! i could wave that away with the explanation that i’m infatuated with him. i don’t know what romantic attraction REALLY is, but i’m going to take a leap of faith and guess it entails stuff like, do i want him to be my confidante and vice versa, do i want to hang out with him at the end of a long day - is that more tiring for me, or is that going to be rejuvenating, etc etc i’m basically basing my expectations of a romantic relationship on behaviours of a happily and healthily married couple, which i suppose COULD be misguided, but i don’t know any better...

so, do i?

but FUCK, BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION. i don’t know my own preference. “um yeah that’s why you date, to get to know the other person better and shit” ssSSHHH!! i don’t jump into Big Things like relationships unless i’m REALLY sure it’s not going to end in a disaster (plus depleted social capital that i could’ve avoided depleting... ugh We Live In A Society)

right now the issue i’m griping about isn’t whether i’m gonna end up happily ever after with him. i’m venting my confusion here because i don’t know how seriously i should take these feelings towards another person. it’s occupying a LOT of space in my mind and it’s honestly getting in the way (mental effort, time, focus) and i have other things to do. i just want peace of mind.

confusing emotions are useless.

#:-(#me #love #ramble

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roadtripsinspace-blog · 7 years ago

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Do we need "Love, Simon?" TIME says, "nah, bro."

I was reading the TIME article that attracted all this controversy over Love, Simon and I'm not gonna lie, some solid points were made. I agree in that there look to be some tropes and cliches, and that the trailer feels it will be a more juvenile film compared to, say, the pedophilic wonder Call Me By Your Name (I joke...sorta) -- but I don't think we can really compare the receptions from both films (CMBYN winning an Oscar and LS getting this [insert adjective that sounds nicer than "shitty" here bc I'm trying to be civil...] Time article) because, as Time itself points out, the two movies were made for different audiences in mind. And isn't that the whole point?

This was the headline^ I'm not saying YA movies/shows, etc., have to be unintelligently written. Many are intriguing, layered and that's why so many rent-paying adults are still toting Harry Potter scarves and arguing about which House is better (Ravenclaw btw, fight me) -- because YA material can engage all ages. But yes, a lot of YA can also be straightforward (hah there's a pun lurking there somewhere) and one-dimensional, it happens. But if Time's point was that the movie didn't do its subject matter justice due to the fact it was a "flat rom-com," that's kind of very much bullshit since it never pretended to be some sort of genius plot to begin with. Like if the movie sucks (which imo it doesn't look horrible but I can see where the tropey tropes might come in) then that's too bad, but how does that have anything to do with whether or not it tried to carry a message that people can still take something away from? I mean when did bringing the LGBTQ+ genre to the big screens suddenly mean one had to produce amazing work in order to justify a gay character being the lead? If the plot was bad bc it did not try to send this message, then yes something would be wrong here but clearly that's not what's happening. The message is clear. Everyone deserves love. Two seconds into the trailer and bam. I already know. You don't gotta be a Ravenclaw to see the message (still best House tho, not backing down). It might not be done cleverly, idk, but the movie's not muddling that message in general no matter how trope-tastic it is. People who thought Twilight was dumb didn't conclude that oh, hey, since this ex-Cedric-Diggory fellow was one-dimensional and the romance was unconvincing, that must mean the efforts to portray straight people finding love on screen for all to see is "unneeded."

In fact, I'd actually be sort of glad if Love, Simon ended up being a "flat rom-com." Hooray! The LGBTQ+ community should be able to have the luxury of making both generic entertainment AND more, idk, Oscary Oscar entertainment (the voting process for that makes it a debateable standard anyway). That would be a hallmark moment: Gay characters can star in shitty movies too, folks. Just like straight leads. How does that put down the LGBTQ+ movement in any way? Why do all works that have homosexuality as a topic HAVE to be "good" in order to be something that exists? Can't the producer/director/cast just try their best to be passionate about what they make and hopefully entertain some people along the way?

But what IRKED me the most was this quote from the article:

"But those kids who were met with support when they came out are probably too sophisticated for Love, Simon–so much so that its vision of how good it feels for a masculine, traditionally attractive bro to receive encouragement might not resonate at all."

Firstly, 'bro'? Art thy not Time? What's with this colloquial language? Did I accidentally stumble upon a Tumblr rant such as my own? For fuck's sake?

Secondly, I get the criticism of Simon potentially being like a stereotypical white dude, but idk if I'd agree that it's this huge horrible thing. I'm not white but I don't feel offended? It doesn't seem like a racist move, in my opinion anyway, I mean whatever someone's ethnicity is they would have a story to tell in this situation and that's what the movie is about. Everyone equal and deserving love.

Thirdly, how does a KID being met with support when coming out mean they are suddenly too mature to handle a movie that represents something that happened to them? Oh shit maybe THAT is why I like Harry Potter! Because I haven't been told "yer a wizard!" It makes so much sense now, only things that I haven't had to handle should grace my TV screens -- so fuck off, all movies starring straight people! If I've seen one man kiss a woman, I've seen em all! Can't learn anything new I guess!

So basically what TIME is saying is that because Simon wasn't oppressed but instead had a healthy, positive coming out experience, the movie was unnecessary. Uh, what? BY THE WAY, Time also argues that the movie isn't relateable because in the parts of Simon's life that ARE indeed making it hard for him to come out, it seems like he's facing an outdated problem. So make up your mind please, Time. Is the movie a waste because it is too kind on Simon or too harsh? Oh, what's that you say? Matters are actually complicated and struggles are not able to be easily dismissed as "over now"? There we go...

Anyway -- not all coming out experiences are the same or laced with tragedy, so why does Simon have to be SAD and DOWN in a movie like this? You sadistic Time writer you? I get it, okay, Time wants to be MOVED, they paid good money on their box of tissues but again, Time already agreed that this is a YA movie. If it wants to be simple, why is that bad? And isn't it good, to not only let others who had a similar coming out experience know that they are just as legitimately a part of the LGBTQ+ community even if they had a calm coming out experience, but also to show audience members an example of how to positively and encouragingly converse with someone who is trying to tell you they are gay and/or any other kinds of things they would want to share with loved ones? Would Time rather ask the YA demographic to watch something gruesome and dark like a beating or some shit? Are the people at Time also those people who are so uptight about violent video games influencing their children yet somehow believe portraying how NOT to handle someone coming out is a good idea, and the only way to give meaning to a story about a gay male lead?

I just don't understand why the article had to make Love, Simon seem like it was this waste of an idea/hard work/money/excitement simply because it happened to be exactly what it said it would be, a YA movie. I don't understand why Time made it sound like the only way hype about a gay male lead would be allowed is if Interstellar happened again but like instead of Matthew McConnaughey trying to find his way back home to save his daughter, spewing copious amounts of philosophy and space jargon as he did so, he was now trying to reunite with his gay lover or some shit. (Actually, now that I say it aloud, I really need to watch that. Please someone make it happen. We can start a petition or something. Matt is a generous guy, I feel it in my soul.) And yeah I'd probably enjoy that movie more than Love, Simon because looking at the trailer, if I may take a moment to pre-judge the movie, it does so far seem to have the setup of a cheesy rom com for young teens. So? That doesn't mean it's some kind of setback for the LGBTQ+ movement. That doesn't mean it's a waste.

Also this has nothing to do with the rant but I thought it was pretty cool:

(found on instagram)

#love simon #love simon movie #time magazine #harry potter #ravenclaw #twilight #the hunger games #sorry for the rant #but like #lgbtq love

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zephyrangel13 · 4 years ago

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I know Tumblr for me was a thing when I had like 14 or so. Thing is something changed.

Did Tumblr change? Did it's pornography ban in 2018 change the site all that much? Was it the fact that it introduced ads and all of the creators here try monetysing their content instead of making art like they did before? Thing is that blogs I've been following have turned slowly into that and if they didn't the userbase recycled the same fake-deep garbage to the point there isn't one good new quote here to actually look at and learn or feel relatable too. The aesthetic blogs either faded into obscurity, simply don't show no more in my feed or plainly moved to another platforms like Instagram. Thing is that moving out of Tumblr made the Tumblr-aesthetic fall out into the big open space of "good looking" consumerism. All dimwits nowadays like the most hideous pictures just because they show some trace of a boob, ass or cute animal and all the valuable art simply is lost between shitty celebrities or half-famous idiots. It's really a shame.

Did I change? Was I a different person and my tastes in art and psychology just change to be out of tune with Tumblr? Was this a natural to be expected thing? Well, thing is that yes, I've gained some life experience and some of the quotes that I see nowadays I take with a grain of salt and a pinch of cynicism. I can't rezonate anymore with the early existential dread of a teenager that thinks some other dumb teenager is and will be the love of his life and the end of the world as we know it will come if they break up. I won't be upset the same way at shitty little things people do, but in essence, morality for me is still a thing and I do get upset on persons that use a certain behaviour that I didn't really expect of them.

A few days ago I went trough screenshots of conversations I had with my first girlfriend. She actually was innocent and wanted an honestly fulfilling relationship. I ended up thinking of how big of a jerk I was and how flawed my behaviour is.

What is life, but a matter of perspective, anyways. You can really think you have the absolute truth and that others shouldn't be offended because of your behaviour. You probably feel like they're the ones that don't understand you. That they've made a lot of things deliverately to make you feel bad, that they're quick to anger and ill tempered.

But... Did you ever ask yourself what did you do to make them be that hostile to you? Did you ever do anything to upset them? Maybe it was in good intention or a joke you said that made them aggresive towards you. Why? You don't know yet and probably they don't know for sure either. Thing is that overanalysing yourself reveals that compulsive behaviours have all sorts of triggers and odd reasons. If you expeft others not to be mad at you when you make dumb and not-so-well thought decisions, learn to be patient.

There are a lot of things that really get me to be pissed off about somebody. Even my nearest and dearest friends sometimes made me have an existential crysis about wether they do or do not give a fuck about me because of their behaviour that I thought of to be inconsiderate. How am I supposed to stop those impulses? Best I found is simply keeping myself busy with other shit. Why? Bevause otherwise I get too involved into the subject and it makes me jump from hating myself to hating everybody around me. Not like I'd punch somebody, but like I'd rather make them feel miserable for doing things I don't agree with or simply don't seem to fit my narrative. Why do I feel the need to act like that? I don't have the slightest clue, but I'm sure most of the time I'm making things up, and none of them are good.

My mind is a wormhole that sucks behaviour from people and turns them into grade A potential threats to human decency and morality. How that works?

I'm not entirely sure, but I can give off an example:

"Friend X takes a photo of her after she's done with the make-up and picks the nice clothes, then posts it on Instagram and boasts about what a "glow-up" she had since last year and other bs. In of itself this way of doing things is only natural. We all seek attention and gratification, but where my problem with this lies?

Well, first off patting yourself on the back you look better because your hormones settled , put on some make up and bought some clothes with money that aren't yours don't think should be a thing, but I digress. Same shit happends with guys at 18 showing off the cars that parents just bought them.

Then comes the fact that you haven't put all that much work into it. You haven't done a fancy and artsy make-up. Your photo doesn't have a story, it's just your face as in every other photo of your profile and moreover, the fact that you choose to seek attention from people you barely know other than persons close to you is simply dumb.".

That's just me now getting wild, but a more psychological and laid off explanation for such an aggresive train of thought is the fact that I'd rather be the place that person seeks attention from, because I really thought I could be a close friend.

Question is still... Was it just that or my brain actually does that because I hope to find a partner? How much of a fuck would I give anymore if she posted anything if I could give and recieve my precious attention to and from another person?

Taking another example at hand:

"Friend Y got offended in a discussion about a sensitive topic. I really am bad at these because I either don't know when I overextend with me imventing stuff for the sake of conversation wnd because I sometimes pick the worst topics in the first place, even though I really should avoid then, out of experience.

That made her a bit pissed because I was treating like a little thought experiment of my own rather than thinking about how real world things end out to be and then I started throwing some insults to hypothetical creatures in my head associated with the real life counterparts and it just went all to shit. Mea culpa and I really should stop myself from just spewing all the shit that my brain can process badly.

Then I come to be an asshole a second time and make a joke about how she does things like old people. She takes it seriously, gets offended and tells me to fuck off. "

Sincerely, well deserved, but I did take it the wrong way. How that works? Well, when someone tells you yo fuck off you usually are pissed because they don't agree with you on something and they're aggresive about it.

I for one couldn't really be that angry at someone not agreeing with something as long as they give off a good argument about why I'm wrong. Neither will I be that pissed if someone is angry for me not being on the same side of the coin with them.

What really pisses me off is telling me to fuck off and not giving any reason why. Maybe for other people that means to calmly distance themselves and that's that. i myself feel like a piece of garbage when someone does that. Moreso, if it comes from a friend, because what fuck off means to me when it's serious it's you as a person don't want to hear my opinion, don't want to tell me why I'm wrong nor hear my apology if needed.

Since I feel discarded as a person, I want you to feel the same way I do, because I think words and demeanour really mean a lot and won't let that shit slide. I abstain myself from making a fuss about things and try to discuss things when my mind has cooled down so I can take part in an adult-like conversation and expect the same from others.

To add insult to injury feeling ignored after I got the opportunity so apologise is a further action that I don't appreciate, but understand somehow. Getting cold with someone after some time is to be expected.

It's just sad how things start unknowingly, go up to a climax and then start to degrade and then relationships fall into obscurity and die. Maybe sometimes re-peak after years, but with a short burst and sadly never at the same intensity.

When is a friend actually a good friend? When will you know he's going to be there for you? For now I only have one hypothesis, but I'd have to have or consider more than one actual good friend to be sure about that. My conclusion about this is that you really know you have a good friend when you don't really give that much of a thought to the question wether that person will or will not be in your like at a later point in time in your life. When regardless of what friends you have around or he/she has around, either of you will adapt so that you both fit in the group context.

Whenever I'll still have to worry about one person it either means we've not passed trough enough together or he/she simply doesn't fit to be a friend

#zephyr-angel-13

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j1nsgf · 7 years ago

Note

Surprise! Your bias asked you out on a date! The only thing is, he wants you to match 6 of your mutuals with the rest of bts for a group date. @ the mutuals you're choosing for each member (not your bias) and explain why you chose them.

ANON I’M SO SORRY I TOOK A ZILLION YEARS TO ANSWER THIS PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! i know it’s been weeks i’m the worst 😔

this was suuuuuper hard to do because i wanted to do so much more than just one per person, plus i tried to think about why they’d be good together. i decided to match 1-2 per member bc i can’t help myself sorry :( i’m choosing to go on a date with taehyung bc he’s my ult ofc, so here’s everyone else!:

namjoon:

@joonienamjoon : ummm OBVS choosing c bc she’s crazy in love with joon? we’ve already talked about our lives when we’re married to our biases, and we’ve already established we’re gonna go on double dates so this is our start! c is literally the queen of bubbly happy goodness, and she would hype joon to the moon! he would feed off of her energy, and become his muse (omg imaging a song by him abt her!) she’s also just the kindest and most supportive person in the world, and i think that joon needs someone like her :) they’d be beauty, aesthetic, and fashion goals.

@nevermindbyjin: oh my, jess and joon would be such a power couple tbh. if i had to describe the way jess loves him it would be wholly and fierce. jess is really down to earth, and i think she would be someone that joon could sit and talk with for hours about his worries, his interests, and his thoughts about the world around him bc she is just as intelligent and thoughtful as him. she continually stands up for him and advocates for him, never backing down from those who try and bash or ignore him. i admire her so much, and i think that their minds would mesh so well together!

jin:

@cherryprincejin: summer, the #1 salty jin stan!! listen if anyone is gonna fawn and gush over jin like he wants to be, summer will certainly go above and beyond with that! they are both super fun and funny, and i think they’d get along super well. she’s the perfect amount of optimism and energy that would compliment his own personality, and is always in awe of jin (i mean who isn’t though??) i swear she has the biggest heart eyes for him and as much as i love him dearly and want him for myself i would gladly ship them together :)

@seokjinstae: okay look, everyone knows how amazing kinga is: she’s strong-willed, is very good at speaking on important issues and getting her point across in a way that makes others truly see what she’s saying, and overall just an amazing person i think. kinga is someone who would support jin through every hardship, who would comfort him and hype him and remind him of why he is so special and important. i know that kinga would treat jin with so much love, bc her heart is as big as his.

yoongi:

@artistictae: amy if i can’t put you with tae i’ll definitely put you with yoongi!! honestly i feel like there isn’t a softer yoongi stan than amy. she’s such a sweetheart, and seeing her posts and tags about him make me feel and warm and fuzzy. i feel like yoongi wouldn’t be able to believe such a soft human existed, and she’d be so sweet and gentle and he would turn to mush for her, she’d be one of his weaknesses :””) they’d just chill and yoongi would find her presence so warm and comforting like a soft blanket, and they would bring each other peace and be able to talk until 3 am about stupid little things or sit around not saying anything just enjoying each other’s company. ahhh i’m starting to write a novel but ANYWAYS! yes!! amy + yoongi 4evr

hoseok:

@hoebihoeshi: lmao haley what if i didn’t put you here? i feel like you’d immediately call me and DEMAND answers…but ofc i would set you up on a date with him bc what are friends for?? in her own words “he would help bring me out of my shell” and honestly i think she’d help him out too in that sort of way? like hoseok is afraid of everything, and i feel like he’s probably pretty insecure abt certain things, and haley would literally force him to confront the things he fears, would tell him he’s dumb to ever think he was anything but the Golden Perfect Hyung that he is, and share all of his struggles and emotions as her own and be there for him entirely. they would match each other and fill in the gaps the other has, make them better for it. she would literally do anything for hobi, and what more could someone ask for than that?

jimin:

@je0n: omg ann….the sweetest and most precious angel….her and jimin would be so cute together. jimin and ann are both super soft people, and i feel like when the other person was feeling down or unsure or anxious, the other would sense it and immediately start spewing praise and love towards them. and i think they both need that…someone to lift their spirits and make them feel loved and snuggle them and treat them how they need to be. jimin would literally be in awe of ann, everything abt her: her beauty, her heart, her talents…i feel like they’re really similar in the best ways (kind, huge heart, there for you when you need it), and so they would click really well. aand i’m a jimann stan now lol

jungkook:

@hobintae: ooohhhhh man, soph. she is probably the funniest person i’ve seen on tumblr, her tags are so damn funny and original, and i adore her. she would be a great match for jungkook because i feel like she would draw him out of his shell with her humor and bright personality, and that’s definitely something jungkook needs. he’d probably be a bit intimidated at first because he’s himself, but once she started cracking jokes and making him feel more at ease with her he’d be dying on the floor, prob even shooting jokes and memes back and forth to each other during dinner lmao. also, i know soph is soft for jungkook and would coddle and love the shit out of him (among other things) so automatic ship!

#this was so difficult!#i wanted to do more people but these were already long as is #again i'm sorry this took me so long anon but i didn't ignore you i promise i was just working on it #i hope you guys enjoyed my little blurbs haha i tried to really think of you all with them :)#anon

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autismus-obscurus · 7 years ago

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On self-dx

A while ago, someone asked me privately to tell them why I was clearly pro self-dx. It's a question I have seen a lot. It's a complex topic and there's a lot of misconceptions about what self-dx even is. Here's a slightly adapted version of my answer (under a cut so I don’t clog your dash). If anyone else has something to add, please do.

Also, TW: swearing. Sorry not sorry, It's just how I talk.

First off, we have to define what self-dx even is. Self dx is NOT googling "autism symptoms", reading one list, and the deciding "oh I'm autistic, lets go beg for pity". I can't speak for all autistics, but I don't fucking want pity. That's not the point of saying you're autistic. I just want to live without constant overload, okay? Lets go a bit more into detail: I’m very clearly pro self-dx, but I will not take someone seriously who takes one test and reads one blog post and then decides “I’m autistic.” That’s not how this works. Self-dx means hours upon hours of reading blogs, of reading articles, of checking the criteria again and again (cynically said, you're checking off a list, we'll get to that again later on), of asking autistics about every tiny trait you suspect could point towards or against it, of self doubt, of hope, of finding autistics spreading positivity or Autism Speaks / Autism Moms(TM) telling you you’re a monster. It’s emotionally draining as fuck. Self-dx is a search for identity. It’s trying to find out why your life is the way it is, why you are a certain way and how to cope with problems in a way that doesn’t do any more damage.

This line of thought goes in hand with another tumblr thing: Many people shit on self-dx because there's this nearly immortal assumption that people self-dx because it’s “cool” to be mentally ill. It’s not. Admittedly, teenagers are fucking weird and maybe some genuinely think they are ill when they are not, but I'm convinced that is the minority at best. Also, when we get to the point of preteneding to be sick that’s a legitimate disorder in itself. (Münchhausen or imposter’s syndrome. I've heard it called pathological lying, but that's quite a bit different and also a disorder that people cannot control and need help for.)

Let's look at a few statistics. In Europe 30% of people are officially diagnosed with a disorder under the ICD-10 / DSM-V. 75% of mental disorders start in adolescence (according to a German survey, BGS 98; here's also a link to the offical WHO page with statistics: HERE). The survey does not include those who are too ashamed to get help, who have no access to help, who are just not taken serious or have to fear abuse if it becomes known. Autism is not a mental disorder, obviously, but the staggering majority of autistics in the past was diagnosed as a child and face many of the same problems. (I’ll get to why the diagnosis age is a problem for autistic people in general in a second.) Now imagine finding a community of people who understand you, who can give you actually helpful tips, and you don’t have to reveal your identity. Anything classified as abnormal is still a taboo. People don’t believe you or make jokes about you. Example: I had to fight for an autism diagnosis because my dad, and I quote, says “there is nothing wrong with you”. No, there’s not, but I’m still autistic. That’s the mindset people apply to any neurodivergence. As to the matter of why so many people on the internet claim to be neurodivergent / mentally ill, I have a theory of my own. I can’t prove it, but it makes sense for me. Many neurodivergencies make it hard to go out. I’m introverted as hell, and often don't have the spoons to go out. So what do I do? I spend my life at home, browsing the internet. It takes me so much less effort to keep contact with people than if I had to go out and meet them. No sensory overload, nothing unexpected will happen. Meanwhile, the healthy people and extroverts are out and about having fun their own way. And, coming back to the community, on here it’s a lot easier to express your thoughts, especially on taboo topics.

Example: I think reading this text we can agree that my English (my second language) is reasonably good and that I’m a logical, intelligent person that can express arguments in an ordered manner. Right? Well, if you would be talking to me face to face, I would probably not make a whole lot of sense. I stutter, I lose trains of thoughts, I fall over my vocabulary, my pronunciation is often wobbly and then I will inevitably panic and make even less sense (this goes for talking in my L1 as well, in case anyone wonders). I’m not dumb, but face to face communication is hard.

Next up, the issue with psychologists and getting diagnosed. There is this pervasive notion that pschologists are The Authority (TM) who know everything and nobody else can be as good as them. Here's the thing: Psychologists are human. They’re not omniscient. And sometimes those psychologists are just shit. They can be sexist, and racist, and narcissistic. They can be condescending, and unable to admit they doN't know enough about a topic, and flat out ignore new evidence because it doesn’t fit their worldview. Go in the actuallyautistic tag. The amount of people who are dismissed by their therapists because this so called professional “has a feeling” they’re not autistic is ridiculous. Feelings don’t matter. Only the diagnostic interview matters, but the patients are denied that because a psychologist trusts his gut more than science. Without a decent self-dx it will be pretty hard to get diagnosed as a teenager or adult. On top of that, once you have learned to pass, autistic traits get lost or suppressed for fear of punishment. Often you have to convince them to test you with a detailed list that describes how you fit the DSM criteria. Which is by definition already a self-dx. "Oh, but psychologist are trained for that, surely they know!!!!!11!" I’m a psychology student. I just got an A in my clinical psychology class. I'll write my thesis in clinical psychology probably. The amount of diagnoses you have to learn does not allow to go in depth of anything. What a psychologist does is listen to you and check boxes on a list. (Sound familiar? I said we'd get there again.) We didn't even talk about autism. I did a presentation on it, found out my course teacher doesn't even know ABA is harmful (his point was "well the literature says it's effective"; Are You Kidding?). Our paedagogy prof spewed some ableist phrases pitying her friend that has an autistic kid. The perks of being an undercover autistic person :))) (That's sarcasm.)

To get back to the point: An ableist at worst, at best uneducated psychologist decides if you’re autistic, solely on what they have been told. The amount of posts that goes "I was denied diagnosis because I have good grades / are a girl / have friends / can talk" is ridiculous.

Example: I was in therapy three times until I was fifteen and NONE of them got the idea I might be autistic, despite me showing pretty severe symptoms. I had to self-dx and then convince my therapist to test me. I only even got that idea because we watched Rain Man in school. Seriously? Who knows you better: You or a psychologist you know for an hour?

Okay, before I get carried off, all of that assumes you actually get as far as being tested. To get there, it requires parents to listen to their kid. Parents typically don’t want anything to be wrong with their kid. (There’s nothing wrong with being autistic, but too many people still think that.)

Example: My dad still doesn’t believe I’m autistic. My diagnosis was four years ago. Because, I quote, “There’s nothing wrong with you.” No there’s not, but that doesn’t make me allistic.

The amount of stereotypes and ableist myths is staggering. Autism is one of the most misunderstood conditions I’ve ever researched. The DSM criteria are shit. They are, since decades, based on boys. They’re very limited, and while not wrong, describe things in a way that makes it hard for people to find "atypical" examples (stereotypical interests = trains). What about girls obsessed with horses? Nobody thinks that’s abnormal, yet it’s very possible. There are still a ton of people who think girls cannot be autistic, or if they are, to use the ableist principles this idea is founded on, they have to be “low-functioning”. The truth is, even the diagnostic interviews can’t pick up on autistic girls very well, that is a known fact. (Look at this link for example: HERE) I have most of those posts tagged either as info or ableism, but I don't have the spoons to check right now and my internet is shit.) To paraphrase the article and the other sources I know: Most autistic females just fly under the radar because they’re better at adapting and hiding it. That doesn’t have to be a conscious effort, but it’s exhausting, and then you sit there as a teenager and wonder why you’re feeling like shit because you never learned healthy autistic coping machanisms (or got punished for them).

Example: I didn’t learn of stimming, of dyspraxia, of sensory processing issue and literally everything that had defined my daily life until I found the autsitic community. I don’t think my therapist ever heard of that and I was labeled too “high-functioning” to actually get help. I managed, and back then I was fine, or thought I was after the depression wore off. I’m paying the price for that now.

People of color and women are severely mis- and underdiagnosed in literally everything medical. Teenagers are very rarely taken seriously, especially girls. Some people don’t believe autism exists at all. Now, assume somebody has understanding parents or teachers or is an adult, and could, thoretically go to a doctor to get diagnosed. Because (paraphrasing the original ask here) by validating self-dx we only push the notiion that you don't need a doctor to be diagnosed (which is again the Autority Lane (TM)). Well, yes, it would be preferable to get an official diagnosis, for the accomodations alone, but there is a shitton of reasons not to.

Example: I am currently undiagnosed. How so? My therapist made a deal with my parents that we would not write down the diagnosis, to prevent it from bringing me trouble. At first I was like “that’s ableist bullshit”. It’s not. Well, it still involves a lot of ableism, but there are a lot of reasons why I have to weigh if getting a diagnosis is worth it, even though I clearly need the help right now.

Here is a list of good reasons why someone could choose not to get professionally diagnosed:

money (in Germany healthcare is mostly free, but in the US getting a diagnosis can cost several thousand dollar)

autistic people are at a much higher risk of abuse, and don’t get taken as seriously (see ABA therapy and Autism Moms)

With an autism diagnosis you can be instituationalized far easier against your will (that works with almost all mental diagnoses)

In Germany you will have a harder time getting an insurance, they will make you pay more and don’t provide certain services e.g. You want an insurance for when you become unable to work, you know, like almost everyone has? Yeah, forget about it, autistic people don’t get that.

It can be used against you when you get in a fight about your kids’ custody

Medical ableism is a thing. You can have everything from a cold to cancer, from depression to borderline, it’s all The Autism. Autistic people are often seen as not having enough insight into their own body and mind to judge their own body (just like women, so as an autistic woman you're fucked twice as much :))) )

Getting a job outside of “supportive” businesses (read: they want Rain Man. They’re IT businesses who want autistic programmers and engineers, everyone else is pretty much fucked.) will be almost impossible. Autism is a disability and nobody wants disabled people past what the necessary quota is.

In the psych field there are no officially diagnosed people I know of, one researcher’s work was discredited when it came out she was autistic. I was already warned several times that I should hide my autism if I wanted to get a job at all.

basically, people are shit and can and will use your diagnosis against you

Lastly, I don’t really understand why people are so hateful towards the self-dx crowd. I can’t prove that there’s no black sheep, but most of them are people who look to improve their lives and better their mental health. Let’s put it like this:

The anti-self dx crowd: Only psychologists can tell if you’re autistic. Self-dx: I think I’m autistic. Antis: How dare you! I can clearly tell you’re not autistic. Fuck off, faker.

Call me cynic, but that is the core of reason most anti-self-dxers apply. Who the hell gave them the authority to judge other people? How do you know what a person is going through from reading two posts on tumblr? This isn’t some elite club. That kind of thinking ostracizes us even more when we alread have to fight so hard to be allwoed to live. Who are the self-dxers hurting? The ableists treat us like shit anyway. And honestly? I’d rather let in five fakers than have an autistic person suffer alone because of they can’t “prove” they’re autistic.

Dev out.

#actually autistic #self-dx #ableism #discourse #autism #aspergers

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