#me living out my holiday fantasies ok

[tavolgisvist]

Here's a case where John discovers from someone else where he probably got a song from. From the Double Fantasy sessions:

ELLIOT MINTZ, series host: Now at the end of this run-through, off in the background, studio engineer Jon Smith sings a phrase from the song Flower Princess reminded him of, You Make Me Feel Brand New, a smash by the Stylistics in 1974. JON SMITH (sings falsetto): "You make me feel brand new." JOHN LENNON: Ah, that's where I got it from, is it? (laughs) That's why I have to rewrite it. I just want the backing. ELLIOT MINTZ: A few minutes later, with producer Jack Douglas ready to roll a tape for real, John sets the vibes for the players. JOHN LENNON: Relax, have fun. We'll take a couple of tracks. I have to rewrite the damn thing anyway 'cause it's like everything we ever heard. I'll go home, listen to the samba and bring it with me in case that's what I really need. But let's just have a nice little bit of fun, lay it down, then we can go. Ok?

A little bit on timeline: 1 The summer of 1973 - early 1975 (18 months): John lives with May Pang ('lost weekend') 2 28 March-02 April: John and Paul have a good time in L.A. 3 May 5, 1974: The Stylistics' You Make Me Feel Brand New was released as a single

My love I'll never find the words, my love To tell you how I feel, my love Mere words could not explain Precious love You held my life within your hands Created everything I am Taught me how to live again

Only you Cared when I needed a friend Believed in me through thick and thin This song is for you, filled with gratitude and love

God bless you You make me feel brand new For God blessed me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song 'cause you Make me feel brand new

My love Whenever I was insecure You built me up and made me sure You gave my pride back to me Precious friend With you, I'll always have a friend You're someone who I can depend To walk a path that sometimes bends

Without you Life has no meaning or rhyme Like notes to a song out of time How can I repay you for having faith in me?

God bless you You make me feel brand new For God blessed me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song for you You

4 July-August, 1974: John records Bless You

Bless you, wherever you are Windswept child on a shooting star Restless spirits depart Still we're deep in each other's hearts

Some people say it's over Now that we spread our wings But we know better, darling The hollow ring is only last year's echo

Bless you, whoever you are Holding her now Be warm and kind-hearted And remember though love is strange Now and forever our love will remain

Why Bless You, if Jon Smith and John Lennon talk about (Forgive Me) My Little Flower Princess? Because not only instrumental entry of The Stylistics' song reminds the line 'forgive me, my little flower princess' but and the line 'you make me feel brand new' reminds the line 'on a shooting star' ('in each other's hearts'/'and kind-hearted'/'our love will remain').

In a way, it [Bless you] is about Yoko and I, and in a way it’s about a lot of couples or all of us who go through that, whatever it’s called, love experience. You know, the way love changes, which is one of the surprises of life that we all find out: that it doesn’t remain exactly the same all the time, although it’s still love. It comes in mysterious forms, its wonders to perform. And ‘Bless You’ expresses one side of it.

(John Lennon)

5 The summer of 1980: John during his holiday in Bermuda writes (Forgive Me) My Little Flower Princess

Forgive me, my little flower princess For crushing your delicateness Forgive me, if you could forgive me

Forgive me, my little flower princess For my utter selfishness Forgive me, forgive me

Well, I know there is no way to repay you Whatever it takes I will try to The rest of my life I will thank you Thank you, thank you, my little

If you forgive me, my little flower princess Never too late unless you can't

Time is on our side Let's not waste another minute Because I love you, my little friend I really love you

Give me just one more chance And I'll show you Take up the dance where we left off The rest of our life is the, my little

I'm home

And what I want to say? Maybe both of these John's tunes were written in same time and were inspired by The Stylistics' You Make Me Feel Brand New. Maybe they were written in different time. But it seems for me like they link among themselves. And it means (for me) they was written about one and the same persen, 'whoever you are'.

[fantasy-mixtapes]

❄️ Lucy Frostblade ❄️

Fantasy High Junior-Year Mini-Playlist

It's blizzarding where I am, so I've decided it's the perfect time to post my first Fantasy High NPC playlist. Lucy has been captivating my little theorist mind for weeks now, and God, I have so many feelings about her. A lot of the situations that I have this playlist highlighting are very much headcanons/theories about who she was, her relationships, and the events leading up to her death. (also, they are all winter-themed. None of them are explicitly "holiday," but one is holiday adjacent, as it comes from Sufjan Steven's holiday album and is inspired by Christmas, though it is instrumental)

Genres: Alternative, Folk, Instrumental

Vibes: Moody, Introspective, Spiraling, Winter

SPOILERS AND THEORIES BELOW

1. Winter is Blue, Vashti Bunyan

Winter is blue Living is gone Some are just sleeping In spring, they'll go on Our love is dead Nothing but crying Love will not find even One more new morning Why must I stay here Rain comes I'm sitting here Watching love moving Away into yesterday

Vashti Bunyan is a name in folk that you need to know. She's 79, and she's still writing amazingly gorgeous music. This one comes from my personal winter solstice mix that I've had since high school, so every year when wintertime rolls around, this song is always one that I am vibing to. I think the way it gets at this really soft sadness is perfect for lucy and how she worked with her goddess.

2. If Winter Ends, Bright Eyes

I dreamt of a fever one that would cure me of this cold, winter-set heart With heat to melt these frozen tears burned with reasons as to carry on Into these twisted months I plunge without a light to follow But I swear that I would follow anything Just get me out of here

Ok, this ties into a theory I have. We were only told a few things about Lucy in her introduction but one of the things that was reiterated several times by Brennan as Yolanda Badgood was that she was deeply sad/depressed. And part of that comes with the territory of her god, Ruvina, whose domain includes sadness, coldness, and winter.

Lucy, before her death, tries to switch her god (whether of her own volition or not) to Ankarna. Ankarna, as we found out, is a sibling of Ruvina and a Summer god, which might also put them originally as a god of joy and warmth- acting as a foil to Ruvina's sadness. So maybe part of the motivation that Lucy had to switch gods was to find something that could bring her out of her depression.

What confirms this to me is that in the d20 mid-season recap, after they show Kristen talking with Yolanda about Lucy, they end it with a clip of Ally as Kristen."Was it to something more positive?"

3. Winter Wonderland, Animal Collective

Mold of the fawn I have been frozen there for days With headlights reflecting in my face I must be cold on your lawn But inside I'm okay I can live without your time Where snowmen never melt Instead, they all went shy And if you don't believe in fantasy Then don't believe in fantasy Do you not believe in fantasy because it gets you down? If you don't believe it's raining I won't tell you that it's raining Do you not believe it's raining just because it gets you down? And if you don't believe in happiness Then don't believe in happiness If you don't believe in happiness then man you must be down If you don't believe you're dying I won't tell you that you're dying But do you not believe you're dying just because it gets you down?

You can find my thoughts on this song here!

4. The Incarnation, Sufjan Stevens

(instrumental)

This song I picture playing under the miracle Kristen performs, releasing the souls of Lucy and Yolanda in the forest. It is truly gorgeous, and I think the reverence and mystery in it is perfect for a miracle of doubt

[toomuchracket]

he would want to rent a cottage/cabin or something like that (cotswolds/Joshua tree/nice/Yosemite) and play house with you when you’re not already living together. just cooking, exploring, fucking, sleeping and talking alllll day

combining with I feel like the vibe would be to get out of the city and just have some decompression time in the countryside. Regardless of AU, girly is working in a major city, Matty is jet-setting and both are likely city fatigued and need to spend some alone time with a beautiful view and about that holiday thing… i’ve had a really fluffy & romantic brainrot about driving to the english countryside with matty :’) not thinking about that one video OR maybe ireland?? i think it would be the cutest either during summer of autumn. don’t really have anything too specific in mind. (except they’d obviously have a lot of sex lol and if they’re staying at a cute b&b place they’d have to try and be pretty quiet because the walls are sooooo thin) just super cute, domestic cottage core/english murder mystery vibes and That’s so funny you should say that abt going away bc i’m on my way home from a weekend up at my family’s cottage up north and i would have loved to bring him along like a little lapdog in a purse 😭 like lazing around riverbanks, cuddling up and sharing a joint by the bonfire, finding cute little trails and having impromptu picnics sksndkdnfb

this to me feels quite birthday party coded, quite early in the relationship before you move in together, and before both of you busy little bees have properly developed the rhythms of being together and working and whatnot! anyway, it comes about because both you and matty are finding london exhausting, and you have the same week in late june free, so matty's like "fuck it. let's just go away for a few days, just us and mayhem and nothing and nobody else. i'll drive, we'll get a cottage somewhere nice and we'll just... relax", and you're like "that sounds dreamy let's do it". and in my head you literally stay in kate winslet's house from The Holiday (despite the fact it is not real), that cosy little cottage in the middle of a literal field - as soon as the door is opened, mayhem bolts in and settles himself somewhere unknown, which makes you both laugh (you find him later on a chaise longue in a spare bedroom snoring his sweet head off), and matty takes the opportunity to be like "i'm being so gratuitous here but just let me have a moment" before he scoops you up bridal style and carries you in, kissing you as he sets you down on the kitchen counter. you're like "we've been here five seconds and you're already acting like some austenian romantic hero. this is amazing. hitting several of my fantasies if i'm honest", and matty giggles like "give me five minutes to bring the bags in and then i'll carry you to bed and hit some more of them, if you want" - you're like "ok but if you take your shirt off while you bring in the bags you'll have hit another one already", and matty rolls his eyes but does it anyway because tbh his one goal in life is to turn you on (and oh, watching his biceps flex and back muscles ripple does it to an insane degree). so yeah, that's the first of many sex sessions in the cottage, after which you get cleaned up and redressed and walk hand-in-hand into the little village nearby to get some shopping; fancy wine, cheese, bread, fruit, all that good stuff, and ingredients for a proper cooked breakfast for the next morning, before heading back to just sit in the garden and watch the sunset together with your little cheeseboard dinner and a bottle of wine and honestly a joint too. matty abandons his "i am not letting you fuck up your lungs" bit so you can get high with him, and you sit giggling and kissing until you're sleepy and the two of you decide to go to bed - you fall asleep almost instantly, because of the wine and the weed and the fresh air.

the next morning, a lie-in after a great long sleep - more sex, then a shower, then matty cooking breakfast while you sit on the sofa with mayhem and coo at him (which makes matty go all gooey lol). it's not too hot or sunny, so you decide to spend the day taking mayhem for a loooooooooong walk along the river; he goes in for a swim and its the happiest you've ever seen him. naturally, matty considers moving out of the city then and there lmao. the three of you end up in a pub beer garden for dinner, you and matty chatting nonsense over your pints, before heading back "home" and having a bubble bath together with some wine, which inevitably leads to yet more sex. it's a perfect few days, which is something matty addresses when you're cuddled into his chest, listening to the birds and watching the sunlight stream through the curtains, on your final morning in the cottage - he's like "this has been perfect, waking up and spending my days with you. don't wanna go home", and you're like "neither do i. want to just be with you all the time". and then matty has an absolute eureka moment and says quietly "will you move in with me, please? really don't think i can go back to living alone and making breakfast by myself. s'a lot better when you've got your arms wrapped around me lol", and you kiss him softly and say "yes, i will", and you do!! i also think you write a little free-form essay about the trip when you get back to london, with an epigraph from another of your fav classic romantic female authors that perfectly describes how you feel about your own love interest: "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same" <3

[daemonwritesstuff]

hey there! could i possibly get a matchup for hazbin hotel, saiki k, vocaloid, and/or tgcf? tyyy!!

about me: i'm a usamerican teen with super nerdy hobbies haha, i really like reading whether it's fiction, nonfiction or even fanfiction, and i like playing video games and d&d. unfortunately i cant play a lot of video games because so many of them dont have accessibility settings and i have chronic wrist pain as well as impaired coordination related to autism :/ but i still keep an eye out for cool looking games that are accessible to me

my gender is complicated haha and even i dont fully understand it, mostly for autistic reasons. i use genderfluid as an umbrella term, but other terms i really like are soft butch, tomboy, multigender, transmasc girl, and autigender. i use any/all pronouns

my sexuality is... also complicated... i'm aromantic and romance-neutral to romance-favorable (romantic matchups are ok!!) as well as abrosexual and aceflux, or abroflux. i experience alterous/queerplatonic attraction to people of all genders and i have had both queerplatonic and romantic partnerships with people :)

my mbti type is enfp, i consider myself a very extraverted person who loves hanging out with people and making friends. i can come across as overly cheerful, loud, impulsive, excitable, enthusiastic etc., and i may seem a little airheaded or dumb sometimes because of it. however, if you take the time to get to know me you'll find out that i'm equally capable of being introspective, thoughtful and quiet when i'm in a calmer mood. i'm actually a quite intelligent person who tends to think deeply about things, and i find those same qualities attractive (though not essential) in a partner or close relationship.

my favorite color is olive green, my favorite band is counting crows, my favorite candy is toffee, my favorite movie is 'stranger than fiction', my favorite sport is hockey, my favorite animal is ferrets, my favorite tv show is community, my favorite ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip, and i also love good food (especially any kind of curry), live music, fantasy novels, going on walks, and writing.

ummm i think thats it! thank you in advance, love your blog <3

A/N — hi there! and yes ofc you can get a matchup! I only chose one fandom for this since I can’t rlly write a lot BUT this was super fun to make and I also love your description a lot! you seem like a rlly cool person :)

(^_−)−☆ YOUR VOCALOID MATCHUP IS…

RIN AND LEN KAGAMINE

☆ just from reading your description alone, you match their vibe so much! you would be able to make friends with them very quickly unlike the others.

☆ Rin is someone that’s gonna be looking out for you all the time, she helps you with your wrist pain and autism a lot, she’ll do whatever it takes for you to be comfortable. I also think that she would like to watch any kind of shows with you. (she may make fun of them/j).

☆ Len is someone that’s gonna be around you to have fun with honestly, you guys are gonna do the most activities together a lot, I think that he would like playing board games with you but he would rage quit when he’s not winning / or didn’t win the game at all. Like Rin, he’s gonna be looking out for you as well, he doesn’t like seeing his friends getting hurt and he’ll prevent anything from happening to you.

☆ you guys are always so loud! the others can hear you guys even laugh from a 5 mile radius. you and len have the same energy so run is gonna have to look out for two idiots (that she cares for very much).

☆ when your in a quieter mood you’ll get the other two to be quiet as well, whenever you go quiet around them so will they just so that they don’t bother whatever your thinking about. (I think rin would have to stop len from trying to get you out of your thinking bubble, but if it’s too long then she’ll allow him to get you out).

☆ they also buy you a ton of gifts on special occasions! whether its holidays or birthdays, you’ll get a lot of presents from them (sometimes they can be homemade sweets but I feel like they would leave the cookies in the oven for too long and they’ll be burnt).

☆ you guys definitely go on daily walks together (especially to tire len out whenever he’s just a bit too energetic), while you guys are walking you guys will also get ice cream as well (they always fight over who’s ice cream flavors are better…).

ROUND-UPS: kaito, gakupo, hatsune miku.

[vaingod]

What are some of the things you've noticed about these middle class city gays and their lifestyles? What are some of the things that stood out to you the most that is completely normalized? Because I see these pretty gay boys from the global north on Instagram and how perfect and white their teeth are, iPhone, MacBook, nice restaurants, nice gyms, holidays, expensive clothes that look very plain but you know that plain white t shirt was somehow $100 to me its like when Katniss sees the people in the Capitol and I just can't relate...especially since theyre all so skinny and pretty and have nice things!

Ok im saying this all as an immigrant thats lived here for a decade and still experiences this disconnection between city gays. Its the money, its always the amount of money they are comfortable throwing away on tech like you said but its more than just some rando city person buying themself an apple product once every 3 years or something. In order to live the life that you noticed these people tend to live you need 1 of the 2.

1. Rich parents. Most city gays that you see on Instagram are these. They usually go to school or have a job like one day a week type deal but they dont worry about rent or bills ever, no number on paper scares them to say the least but they are also really weird about you paying back like coffees or miniscule shit.

2. Are in debt. Most of my friends that are middle class are this

Like i wont forget meeting this girl through a drag actor friend of mine and she was cool and one of those all pink people so we vibed nicely until she started pulling up pages and pages of clothes and shoes and furniture that cost more than ive spent my entire life and talking about all the things she wants like a bratty child and i was losing my grip on reality before she talked about her hot pink custom paint job porshe and how her dad payed for it all cus she wasnt gonna drive a boring straight car. Like this attitude specifically is what drives me up the wall cus as someone whos jumped to and from alternative scenes a big appeal was making my own accessories and clothes and fucking shit up and looking trashy but alluring to other people like me. even when i went through my fem diva phase i exclusively thrifted vintage clothes to embody a 60 year old diva i didnt spend hundreds of dollars to look good?? My 90s thrifted furcoat ive worn for 7 years cost me 10 bucks.

As for middle class or poor gays that are in debt that keep going in debt to allow themselves the luxuries that they see gays with (their parents) money can allow themselves, i feel like its a very complex social dynamic that isnt easily explained by poor prople are allowed nice things or everyone deserves luxuries. And its harmful however its explained because very often the sentiment from middle class gays in regards to overspending obfuscates what a luxury is, not a few times have i heard from gays with debt "if i had the money i would take a private jet everywhere i wouldnt give a single fuck if i had access to things that rich people had I would use them just the same or more"

Class division is really like that tho, id compare it to how middle class suburbians dont want better public transport and shut any finances that go into it cus they dont want poor "suspicious" people coming to their neighborhoods. And that shut down of public transport only hurts them and their community but they do it anyway. Ill say it outright most middle class gays in debt that do everything to spend money to live a fantasy of not being in the same social class as poor gays are doing so intentionally.

[theanomily]

This is a Bloodline "live react", but also not really because I'm posting my initial thoughts as I read in maybe two goes, depending on the time I can allocate to reading.

Disclaimer: The book has been out for two and a bit years. I hate surprises. Consequently, I know stuff. Specifically, I know that:

Otto "dies" // the volcano explodes. These are somehow linked?

The Queen of Shadows is a Sinistre who... exists // Raven is Nero's daughter. Again, these are somehow linked? Sidenote: hive fantasy au where there's a Nero, furan and sinistre kingdom/royalty

There's a scene in which Nero is tied to a bed?? And I think Anastasia is there?? (*squirts Mr Walden with water*)

There's some Anna kid/super-robot. I assume she wants to kill everyone (mood). Sidenote: given how similar her name is to Anastasia's, there's probably some connection there.

Ms. Leon gets her body back. Her cat's name is Kali.

Pietor has a "lurking heart."

*

Chapter One:

OK, opening with a scene of Nero + brandy into a flashback sequence... very Overlord Protocol. Wonder if that was intentional and if the books may be linked.

Nero is younger than I thought. Much younger.

"There's a fine line between being devoted and pathetic." Oh, I love Elena already.

Clumsy Max. That's all I have to say. See, I thought it was as he was bending to kneel when the shot happened, not bending to retrieve a fallen ring. It's kind of sweet that it's the one time we've seen him display nerves. And it killed his (finace? Girlfriend? Does the proposal count?), generating a Never Again type of instinct and the birth of the max we know and love

KILL ANASTASIA, MAX... oh, you IDIOT. Suppose plot gotta plot, eh?

Dr Higgs... why is that name familiar? Glass tanks. Did he work on Otto back in the day?

Laura seems much more bold than any other book. It's interesting, given that Deadlock has literally just happened.

Shelby's first line is an insult. Now that's the Shelby I love

This is wholesome (barring the implied make outs, of course), but Penny. What has happened to Penny?

Oh no, h.i.v.e.mind is thinking they're having a foursome, isn't he?

Chapter Two:

So Anna is Otto crossed with the Contessa. And the whole initial want to know stuff about her creator? Aka her "parents"? I'm sensing AU potential centred around a more human version of her, yearning for a family to find and slowly being driven into insanity/violence

Oh my god, max on holiday? It's him, he's being controlled by something.

I forget that Raven and diabolus are only friends/kind of close in fanfiction. I have no point to make here. It's just very jarring to read max saying to her that he'll do all the talking as though it's all a political battlefield.

Also, we should actually talk about max's daddy issues

Why is Franz a gym bro now? I suppose he inspired himself to try to attain his ninja alter ego via his newfound shooting skills. Still extremely out the blue. (Oooh, And They Were Study Buddies).

...That better not be the extent of Nigel's self-acceptance arc. Or else I'll have to dust off the old ffn account, and nobody wants that. Mr Walden, my guy, I'm counting on you.

Anna, will you take my hand in marriage?

Ouch, Zero really did just exist to be told "a copy is never as good as the original" and then to have his successor be even better than him.

Chapter Three

Excuse me, I know Otto points it out immediately, but Wing advocating for more aggression? Interesting. Makes sense in context- a simulation, in which he would have been the one getting hurt if they took a more aggressive approach. I wonder if that's going to come into play, perhaps the other way around, in a real situation?

Are they really not going to say what this security flaw is? Damn, poor hive'll never learn

Chapter Four

Why are block and tackle being nice? Wing's right, this is a complete parallel universe

..or perhaps not. Only shelby would dare picture Nero in tights.

Page 66 and hive is already fucked. What I'm hearing is Cypher was a complete amateur

CYPHER BOTS :)

Chapter Six

We are nine books in, and let's be honest. Dr Scott isn't the chief medic, he's the only medic

I forgot to jot down anything for c5, but if I forgot, then I can't have had anything particularily noteworthy to say.

Here, I do find it quite interesting that Anna referred to guns as nasty. Reminds me of those really convoluted family trees in which wing is related to otto (and, by extention, anna) via his parents working on Overlord.

Damn, looks like a united glove isn't good news at all for max right now

Also, I'm still really wondering if Mr Walden just straight up forgot about Penny

[imitationgame77]

Modes of Media etc (and Murderbot)

(This is not a meta. Just a kind of reflection on my addiction to the muderbot series.)

I enjoy reading, listening, and watching, but usually prefer reading to other ways of consuming (not sure it is the right word) stories. That is mainly because it is the most self-paced and I can pause anytime I want to savour it, or get puzzled over, go back a few pages to check, and so on. It also gives me the freedom to use my mental imagery - how it looks like, how it sounds like, how it smells like, and even how it feels like. If I watch a dramatised version afterwords, I can enjoy that, too. Even though they often have to edit them to make it shorter, less complex, etc., but it can give the images that I may have failed to create myself. Like, I could not have created that vast and beautiful cinematography of the Lord of the Rings.

I started listening to audiobooks about 2 years ago. I had had listened to some before that, but I started a subscription following my friend's recommendation. At first, I found it slightly stressful, because while it was handy to enjoy 'reading' while commuting to work, I often got distracted by outside stimuli. I also found that I needed to like the narrations as well as the story itself. With nonfiction, I find female (or higher pitched) voice easier to listen to, as it is less likely to be drowned out by train noises. But for fictions, I found a woman doing a man's voice by rather forcefully deepening the voice a teency bit distracting. I saw reviews on Audible that many people find men doing a woman's voice fake and distracting, but I seem ok with that so far. Maybe watching all these Monty Python and other British comedies where men pretending to be (very fake) women has immunised me. I don't know.

Anyway. I first encountered The Murderbot Diaries on Audible on my friend's recommendation. I was hesitant at first, because, I had watched some Sci-Fi dramas like Star Trek, but I had not read many sicence fiction or non-fiction, and was not sure my imagery skills were up to understanding it. Also, without any prior information, the word "Murderbot" gave me an impression of a horror-sci-fi. Like, a friendly domestic robot going on sudden murder-rampage type. So, I looked up some brief introduction of All Systems Red, and decided it to give it a try. With Audible subscription fee at £7.99 per month, I generally went for longer titles than 3 hours and 17 minutes (All Systems Red, by Kevin R. Free). (I am that shallow, I know. At primary school in Japan when we were allowed to take out 3 books max during summer holiday, I used to select them by their thickness...) Fortunately, the first 3 novellas were free to subscribers!

It was confusing at first. To a novice Sci-Fi reader, concepts like HubSystem, SecSystem, terraforming, feed communication, etc were a lot to take in. Also, there were lots of characters whose names were unfamiliar to me (maybe easy enough to native English speakers fluent in fantasy and sci-fi?), and it was impossible to keep track of who was who (except Dr Mensah and perhaps Gurathin), when I was just helplessly listening to the audiobook.

Nevertheless, I got hooked quite quickly. Murderbot is a very relatable character, and fortunately, the story did not start with its grim history - it started with its journey to learn to live with autonomy and to interact with people around it as a person, instead of a robot or an appliance. I loved its snarky and self-deprecating, but actually caring and vulnerable character.

I also liked the narration a lot. Kevin R. Free narrates with various voices and acting, but never overacting. He still leaves enough to our imaginations. At least that is how I feel. But since it was still difficult to understand with audio only, I got a Kindle version as well. Seeing all the unfamiliar names and terms spelt out was immensely helpful. But as I moved onto later books, I started having more and more of emotions. And wanted to revisit here and there to savour again, as well as analyse my reactions. So I ended up buying hardback editions as well. I don't think I have ever bought 3 versions of a book. And it was rather expensive, too. I don't have subscriptions to Apple TV, but I have the feeling that I may start that once Murderbot becomes available...

[jmattsaunders]

Ok some random thing I’ve been thinking about: I’m more of a Star Wars guy than a Star Trek guy, and I think I’ve figured out one of the big reasons why. One of my big critiques of Star Trek is that the Federation is supposed to be a post-scarcity society, meaning no one has to work to have their basic needs met, meaning that everyone has all the time they want to pursue their passions. It should be an era of unprecedented flourishing in the arts in all forms. It should be the Renaissance on crack. Yet we see zero evidence of that.

All the interiors in TNG look like a Holiday Inn from 1983. And save for Wesley’s ugly sweater collection, all the civilians wear gray jumpsuits. You have a machine capable of producing any object that ever existed on any known planet. Why aren’t you dressed like a pirate? With a sword? Every day? Lando lived as a smuggler on the fringes of the Empire and managed to have a cape collection.

Why does everyone lack imagination? I remember even as a kid watching reruns of TOS and the original run of TNG thinking how boring it must be to live then if you weren’t in Star Fleet. No one watches television or mentions movies or contemporary music or watches sports.

And don’t get me started on that stupid episode with Lt. Barkley that was all about, “YoU hAvE to LiVe in The REaL WoRLd. YoU Can’T ESCapE to A FanTAsY WoRLd on THe HolODEck.”

Dude, fucking watch me.

[repurposedmeatlocker]

Tagged by @mickgaydolenz (thank youuu) to do a tag game :3 might as well oblige.

Nickname: I guess my online moniker, “Moth”, would count as a nickname. Only in online circles though. Technically my irl name that is used most often is my nickname. I like my full name, but it’s a real mouthful. Recently one of my friends started to call me “Toni” which has also been cool.

Height: 4′11 : /

Last thing I googled: UM I am not going to say specifically because that would be a dox, but to keep it short I was looking up the address to my local CVS lmao

Song stuck in my head: “Jungleland” by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Was listening to it last night : )

Amount of sleep: This is so messed up. I don’t think atm I really have a set amount of sleep. During school I’d say I usually get six hours at most. On weekends and non-work days I have nine hours. Recently though I’ve been sleeping about fifteen hours. I seriously don’t know. I’ve got to figure things out.

Dream job: Oh boy! I don’t know if I have a specific career in mind at the moment, but I know for sure I would like to work somewhere in a film related field. Film director for live-action and animation, screenwriter for live-action and animation, television screenwriter, editor, concept designer, storyboard artist...I’m not quite sure what exactly what I’d want to do, but I garner I still have a lot of time to figure that out. I don’t consider any of these things exclusive either. If I can do them all, I guess that would be a dream job.

Wearing: Pajamas! A Tintin T-shirt I got in Quebec, gray pajama pants, and gray fluffy house socks with a cat deign on the sides :3

Movie/book that summarizes me: Ok so I am going to put down a movie AND a book. For movie it would probably be Blade Runner (1982) by Ridley Scott. While it isn’t the film that initially got me interested in movies (that would have to go to The Great Escape), it is the one that I consider the most absolutely perfect. It’s whole presentation, narrative, themes, cinematography, etc. is just so inspirational to me and kind of my singular goal whenever I want to make something. For a book it would probably be Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. If there is two things about me it is that I love stories that blend fantasy and reality, and I love stories with ambivalent main characters.

Current fav song: Probably “This Year” by The Mountain Goats.

Aesthetic: UMM I don’t know if I strictly subscribe to one lol. Most of the time I just wear a T-shirt and jeans with plaid shirt or various sweaters. To give myself more credit, I have been making efforts to wear things that make me happy or make me feel nice. I guess my visual aesthetic preference is a kind of 60′s - 70′s hippie look. Preference for underground psychedelic and kind of surreal art-nouveau design mixed with some vaporwave, dereality-type visuals from 2013-2014. 

Fav author(s): Off the top of my head: Roald Dahl, Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut, Beatrix Potter, Sarah Vowell, Ken Kesey, Edgar Allen Poe, Jeff Smith...

Random fact: Uuuh...I’ve never been to Disney World??? And I don’t really care to ever go : )

Idk who to tag, so if you see this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged by me : ) happy holidays to everyone who celebrates! 

[love-ridden-eyes]

Happy new year- by me.

Another year at its end yet all I feel is grief

Grief spilled out I the form of numbers

When I cant seem to settle on a belief

Of how I should think.

10

The  fireworks begin to explode

As my thoughts implode

I've lost out on a year

A year when I promised myself I'd be ok

The clicks of beer bottles

And the sound of hidden dismay

Because its a national holiday.

And they would rather fake happiness

And write meaningless resolutions

Than deal with the relative crapiness

Of their current situations.

9

And they get louder.

I promised myself I'd be ok this year

Yet I cannot bear The burden that I'm not

No matter how hard I try

I let myself rot

I'd rather die than fake it

No matter how much I take everyone's shit

I still feel empty

Too light

To heavy

To scared to fight the neverending cycle

Of every bang I hear.

To afraid to compensate

For my own sake and

To truly understand

Why I fave this ban

On my emotions.

8

And I begin to experience the hate of it

As the shouting gets louder

I find myself beginning to ponder

Why?

Why must they act prouder

As if they aren't the same as I?

Because its a 'happy new year'

But I refuse to think its happy

Because I've been lying to that familiar face

For far too long.

I have chosen to displace the reality

And to live in a fantasy

Of my own ecstacy.

And I am done.

7

And I gaze into the sky

And wonder how

Wonder why

It has come to this

The smiles the laughter,

Yet i cannot seem to find what I'm after

Yet its new years. And I should put that behind me.

Maybe I should let myself be.

But in turn I make others around me

Well, unhappy.

For I canot co exist in a world

That dosent fight for that.

6

And the booms begin to make the ground shake

Each one filled with hateful suggestions.

I cannot understand this enthusiasm to something so

Depressing.

Why bother dressing up

And making up

And fibbing to yourself.

You aren't happy, you are just imagining that.

5

And I think of all the people thst wish they were alive

To see what I am.

I feel guilty for wishing that.

For feeling that.

Even beside the feeling of grief

I choose to climb the heath

Yet it decides to get bigger.

Maybe to pull the trigger,

On a happy new year.

4

And im beginning to see the flaw

In this whole thing

Maybe if people bring

How they truly feel to the table

We could enjoy it

But people like me are unable

Since we are aware

Of the scare

That a new year brings.

The pressure

To find something that will measure

Up to their expectations.

3

And i wish i could be

Anywhere else.

As I slip into the hole

That I have created myself

I dont feel full

Yet hungry.

The year halted at a null

And dragged me with it

I had no option

But to comply

For I was told to be nice

And suffice

For what they wanted.

Even if I don't want that.

Because its for the greater good.

Yet it makes me blue.

2

And it is unbearable.

The noise

The lights

The poise these people carry.

Why celebrate?

When all you will do tommorrow is realise

The bad traits of your decisions.

And 1.

Where the sky opens up in a fit of light

And swallows me whole

Why fight?

I think.

The tears tumbling down my cheeks as I begin to tear

What I fear

Will come true

This year will be as terrible

As the two before.

I cannot live in a lie

Where i am supposed to enjoy

The sound of something so artificial.

I feel like a toy

Trapped in its ambitions

But hey, it's new years.

Why not crack a smile.

Because even after all of this,

That's what they expect you to compile.

[Apologies for the typos, this one was a bit rushed.]

[baileyboo2016]

tagged by @touloserrrr the thread was getting a little loooong lol

1. coke or pepsi: pepsi!!

2. disney or dreamworks: dreamworks! (currently boycotting disney) also httyd :)

3. coffee or tea: neither

4. books or movies: bookssss (but i like both)

5. windows or mac: mac

6. dc or marvel: not my thing but i’ll go with dc because of the flash

7. xbox or playstation: um…haven’t used either

8. dragon age or mass effect: dragon age

9. night owl or early riser: night owl (i will stab someone before willingly choosing to get up early)

10. cards or chess: cards

11. chocolate or vanilla: for ice cream? vanilla.

12. vans or converse: converse

13. lavellan, trayvalen, cadash or adar: lavellan

14. fluff or angst: put them through the horrors

15. beach or forest: forest

16. dogs or cats: both but dogssss

17. clear skies or rain: clear skies

18. cooking or eating out: depends. can’t cook well but eating out can be sensory hell.

19. spicy food or mild food: mild for sure i can’t stand apice

20. october holidays or december holidays: HALLOWEEN 4EVER BABY

21. little too cold or little too hot: cold

22. superpower? shapeshifting

23. animation or live action? both

24. paragon or renegade? ….idk

25. baths or showers: SHOWER ALL THE WAY

26. cap or iron man? i’m indifferent

27. fantasy or sci-fi: FANTASY WOOOOO also back to the future

28. three or four favorite quotes?

ZINGA-DINGDING!!!! -lanayru

40% certainty that this person is a plant -fi

zelda’s quote at the end of botw

literally everything that comes out of LD-301S Scrapper’s mouth

29. youtube or netflix: youtube

30. harry potter or percy jackson: i am strongly anti hp and jkr’s transphobic ass can go eat shit. so percy :)

31. when do you feel accomplished? when i do not meet society’s expectations cause those suck ass.

32. star wars or star trek: haven’t seen either

33. paperback or hardcover: hardcover

34. live in a world without literature or music: WHAT THE FUCK. THIS IS EVIL. i’ll have to pick literature just cause i can’t give up music-

35. who was the last person to make you laugh? the pall weople

36. city or countryside: cities are overwhelming for me, so country.

37. favorite chips: DORITOOOOOS (not lanayru’s kind)

38. pants or dresses: both but i’ll pick pants

39. libraries or museums: LIBRARY LIBRARY LIBRARY LIBRARY

40. character or plot driven stories: ugh this is hard. um…plot??

41. bookmarks or folding pages: BOOKMARK

42. dream job: no fucking idea (i do need to start getting my life figured out soon)

43. what gives you comfort? art. fanfiction. my blorbos. my friends. plushies. dogs.

44. what are you currently having brainrot levels of interest over: lanayru from skyward sword

45. what is your current favorite song: I HAVE TO PICK 1???? ok…again will the fire burn

46. how many books have you read this year? …. does fanfiction count? if not, 1??

i’ll leave this open tags cause this takes a while so if you dont have the commitment no worries <33

RULES: answer all questions, add one question of your own, and tag as many people as there are questions

thank you @good-enemy for the tag <3

coke or pepsi: coke

disney or dreamworks: sorry but i prefer disney i could name maybe like two dreamworks movies off the top of my head

coffee or tea: tea because coffee tastes burnt

books or movies: books

windows or mac: windows

dc or marvel: unfortunately i am a marvel fan

x-box or playstation: i havent used either of these in years

dragon age or mass effect: what

night owl or early riser: night owl

cards or chess: cards

chocolate or vanilla: depends on the food but usually vanilla

vans or converse: docs

lavellan, trevelyan, cadash, or adaar: ⁉️

fluff or angst: angst. hurt that blorbo you know you want to

beach or forest: beach

dogs or cats: dogs by default because im allergic to cats

clear skies or rain: clear skies but like the kind of clear skies when its sunny with no clouds in the sky but its chilly out

cooking or eating out: depends on the food

spicy food or mild food: mild food bc im a picky eater and also white

halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: hanukkah

would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: a little too cold

if you could have a superpower what would it be: telekinesis but that might just be because im a jean grey girlie

animation or live action: live action

paragon or renegade: ⁉️

baths or showers: baths but unfortunately showers are more convenient

team cap or team iron man: i hate both of them

fantasy or sci-fi: anyone who knows me knows i am the biggest fantasy lover out there

do you have three or four favorite quotes, if so what are they: idk i have a lot but i couldnt name them off the top of my head

youtube or netflix: youtube

harry potter or percy jackson: percy jackson obviously. he'd also kick harry potter's ass but thats a whole other conversation

when do you feel accomplished: when i succeed

star wars or star trek: ive seen bits of star wars so that one

paperback books or hardcover books: hardcover books because they have built in bookmarks and also theyre pretty

live in a world without literature or music: nice try but no

who was the last person to make you laugh: i dont know probably my dad

city or countryside: city i love the city i am a big city person (i dont live in a big city)

favorite chips: baked lays

pants or dresses: pants

libraries or museums: museums we have no good libraries here

character driven stories or plot driven stories: oh thats hard. probably plot but i do love a good character driven story

bookmarks or folding pages: bookmarks

dream job: music therapist

what gives you comfort: my dog. also music

what are you currently having brain rot levels of interest over: the once upon a broken heart series by stephanie garber and also maisie peters's music

what is your current favorite song: coming of age by maisie peters

(added question) how many books have you read this year?

tagging @henwilsons @napollya @thegoosewitch and whoever else is interested

[ramblesofthemyu]

welcome to the endless holiday ! 🎀

☆ myu here! this is a sideblog for my oc ramblings! for those who don't know me, I go be she/her, im aroace, and i like to ramble abt ocs. a lot.

☆ main account

☆ pokemon: angel on ao3

☆ character masterpost

☆ tags!

☆ Pokemon: Angel (and everything else associated with it)

pokemon: angel (ongoing, 12/20) - normal angel tag, everything here will be spoiler free

pokemon: angel spoilers - anything to do with spoilers for angel

endless holiday - story taking place right after angel! will always be tagged as spoilers until angel finishes

seas + skies - for anything related to my fakemon region arawan, spoilers for angel will be tagged accordingly

penelope's diary, cherish, clover - all of these contain spoilers for angel! will be tagged accordingly

radiant (ongoing, 4/12) - for radiant, will likely not contain angel spoilers

first flight - prologue to angel, will likely not contain spoilers

☆ Fanstories

☆ Original stories

The Starchaser - ykw au featuring Anne, a girl who discovered a yo kai watch one day, and since then has dedicated herself to gathering power from turning yo kai into soul gems so she can protect her loved ones.

The Golden Brewery - [WIP]

Daughter Earth - a tale of a newborn goddess who makes friends with a bunch of humans. a story about the value of life, and honoring the fallen. heavy major character death.

Bianca and the Mysteries of the Universe - a new story in the world of Daughter Earth, following Bianca, a high school senior looking to make the most of her last year of high school. After meeting Mode, a small devil who reveals to her the existence of supernatural beings, Bianca, along with her friends, follow the path of the now-wiped out New World Hunters to protect the world from the return of the old world order.

Lady Moira - the story of a teenaged girl, Margaret, who meets Moira, a vengeful spirit who was tasked to change the life of one of the living in order to enter the afterlife. A story about moving forward and helping one another.

At the End of Time - A young girl named Mini wakes up from a cryo pod and realizes that the end of the world is coming in only a month. As the last person on Earth, with only a little robot companion by her side, Mini comes to terms with her fate and the fates of all her loved ones.

Ballad of the Black Sheep - The princess of a kingdom ruled by a corrupt queen escapes into another world, similar to our own. The princess Blachet bonds with two brothers and becomes part of their family. But while she wants to escape her past, she soon realizes that in order to protect what she loves most, she has to face her biggest fears.

☆ Other tags

Specter's Sands - After meeting the mysterious Eliobus, whose soul was sealed in an enchanted hourglass, Celine Asmonte goes on a journey across the kingdom to release him back into the Sea of Life.

Lamb's Slumber - [WIP]

Edel House - [WIP]

Eve and the Forbidden Garden - [WIP]

lab 42 - i just scream abt ein, tesla and joyce here. possible fic sneak peeks too

pokemon swsh - any swsh rambles + angel stuff

pokemon sv - will include spoilers. possibly may include angel spoilers too

fantasy life oc - includes weiss (tailor weiss) and mal (wizard mal) art reblogged from mail

yo kai watch - spoilers for ykw1 and ykw2 probably, and the movie I guess. will also talk abt ykw ocs sometimes probably

myuudles - get it? myu? doodles? myuudles? haha im so funny, but anyways this includes both doodles and actual serious art

myu is a writer - writing tag, this is an injoke ok

myu answers asks - speaks for itself. asks.

myu's refs - character references (usually for artfight)

[tmisaccidentreportbook]

MAG031, First Hunt

Case #0100912, Lawrence Mortimer Release date: August 11, 2016 First listen: 5th November, the walk home. Remember passing the diary farm yard gates at ‘a-hunting we will go’.

Ok, so. I’ve had a thought. If we exclude The Extinction, and just stick with the original 13, The Hunt is the last Entity to get a dedicated statement of its own. It’s at the very back at the pack… Feels appropriate.

Supplemental: No, you absolute donut, you forgot Trevor Herbert’s statement, MAG010! Ok, we’re gonna work this out, hang on. Ok, I think it’s between The Eye, not getting a solo shout until MAG023 but hinting at in MAG012 or The Spiral that does a lot of heavy lifting in MAG019 but doesn’t get a solo until MAG026.  

- I have limited knowledge and understanding of America, so quick google of Blue Ridge, Virginia and the geography and ecology. Blue Ridge, Virginia is a bit of a vague description but the vibe is deciduous forest, snow caped mountain ranges, and big ol’ wildlife.

- ‘I always wanted to go hunting. It always seemed such a manly sort of pursuit.’ sigh Oh no… I’m not going to have much patience with this guy am I? There is merit to being able to sustain yourself in a wildlife survival situation but this feels like a bit of a fantasy fulfilment lads on tour. I don’t like it.

- I am mollified by the knowledge that he intends to be ‘cooking and eating what (he) kill(s)’, so at least it wasn’t big game trophy hunting.

- ‘…shooting pheasants with shotguns and riding down foxes all seemed too much the domain of, uh, nitwits in tweed.’ I am having so many feelings and none of them are favourable to this man. The fact that he feels he can throw this sort of judgement around is fucking baffling. Considering he’s got the money to travel to the other side of the world to play at being a ranger. I mean, don’t get me wrong, a lot of them are nitwits in tweed, but he’s got a lot of stones and that glass house looks awful delicate. Yup, so, full disclosure, yes, I’ve been fox hunting. When I was young and saw it as a big hack out with my friends rather than, y’know, hunting. But yeah, now I avoid meets and I’m the one standing between the hounds and the gosling field gate when the local hunt rolls over the estate. But this guy gets to retirement, with all his life experience and knowledge, and ths is what he does.

- ‘…where they had a few animals worth going after.’ I wanna slap this guy. You know what’s a fantastic alternative to trophy hunting? Photography. You’re still out in the sticks, you’re roughing it, you’ve got to look after your equipment, you need to track your quarry, you need to blend into the environment like a flipping sniper. And you can track anything and everything. And when you pull the trigger, everyone walks away.

- ‘…I thought, ‘dash it all,…’  I want to punch this man.

- ‘We’d met on a sceptics message board and got on like a house on fire.’ What sort of ‘sceptics message board’ exactly? I don’t think my lip has uncurled since I hit play on this episode.

- ‘I wasn’t exactly expecting the Grim Reaper to come knocking in the intervening months…’Oliver Banks? Babe? Do you take requests?

- ‘…see if we could find a deer or an elk for me to shoot. Nature, seclusion and guns – to my ears it sounded just perfect.’ I actively hate this guy. This isn’t about survival or adventure, this is a power fantasy.

- ‘I normally live in Torquay.’… This mother fucker’s got a second home, hasn’t he? He’s got two homes and one of them is in a coastal area that is famous for the fact that locals are being priced out of their own communities by people buying second holiday homes and hiking property prices.

- I find the fact that he finds Arden a bit too much hilarious, considering that Arden goes on to lose his life. So either Lawrence feels guilt for any unkind thoughts he may have had about the man, or he feels nothing and shows himself an arsehole.

- ‘Still, all was forgiven when he showed me his gun cabinet … To see a dozen, well-cared for weapons displayed proudly, well, it was just lovely.’ wretch

- Crabtree Falls gives us a start point on the Blue Ridge Parkway, Marion.

- ‘I was very excited to don my hunters orange, and to take up my rifle.’ He’s a kid… playing dress up…

- The Winchester Model 70 is a bolt-action sporting rifle, worth upward of £900 new. The Remington Model 673 was a bolt-action rifle that only was in production for a year before it was discontinued in 2004, again worth about £900 used.

- ‘I was something of a blundering presence … I was sure that it was my own crashing footsteps scaring away the creatures.’ All the gear, no idea. It really feels like he’s come into this, expecting the environment to bend around him.

- Having someone wondering around with no tools and no resources and nonchalantly reject assistance would be highly unnerving. It suggests to a skill set, an unusual skill set.  

- ‘We answered as vaguely as we could without being rude, since neither of us felt comfortable near this man.’ Welcome to the female experience mother fucker.

- ‘Sniffing us,’ ‘Tomorrow will be a good day for a run’, let the dog see the rabbits.

- ‘Around two o’clock in the morning I could have sworn that I heard someone laugh, slow and softly, outside my tent.’ Like a beater worrying the undergrowth, sending the spaniels in, setting the birds on edge.

- ‘…I felt ten times better with the weight of the gun in my arms…’ distressed noises

- ‘… when I saw my elk.’ Oh heck, I’ve worked out what the vibe is that’s so wretched. It’s a Gaston energy and I’m breaking out in hives.

- ‘I could have sworn it looked me in the eye as I prepared to pull the trigger.’ There’s something powerful about a wild animal making eye contact with you. And deer species have culturally been so intrinsic to the mysticism of an ancient forests; the Great Forest Spirit of Princess Mononoke, the black hart and white doe in The Hobbit, the stag that grants wishes when caught in The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, in Celtic and Arthurian legend. There’s part of me that hopes this forest weighs and measures him and finds him wanting.

- ‘…there was a messy hole in the centre of his throat, as though it had been torn out entirely. His rifle lay next to him on the ground…’ The shot that he heard was possibly fired in self defence rather than being what killed him, fired from a third weapon. The throat looking ‘torn out’ suggests that whatever was used, wasn’t a sharp edged instrument.

- ‘Then I heard that whistling. That infernal whistling…’ Who needs a hunting horn or the baying of hounds when a whistled child’s tune will do the job just as well.

- The zigzag running is a little odd. It could be that he’s moving to avoid any attempts to shoot him, but you tend to see zigzag running patterns in prey species, trying to out run predators.

- ‘I know I should have picked up my gun, but you can’t understand just how frightening it is to have something like that, a true predator, running at you full pelt.’ Enjoying that power dynamic flip, you enjoying it? But what if you were simply his human the same way that elk was your elk? It’s it all part of this manly pursuit?

- ‘You can’t understand what it is to be prey.’ … Ask anyone who isn’t male, white, cis/het and able bodied. Ask anyone…

- ‘I think he did it deliberately, you know. To let me know he was still there.’ It’s the chase, not the catch. It’s the chase.

- The psychology of sending him in a circle, it’s a chase but Lawrence may as well be in a snare.

- ‘…everything about him was sharper. His fingers, his teeth, his face, his eyes. His skin.’

- Never seen or read The Duchess of Malfi so giving it a quick google. Premiered 1613, written by John Webster, it’s… it’s a bit messy. Like ‘Twelfth Night levels of misidentification plus MacNope levels of murder’ messy. Incredible description though, ‘a wolf’s skin is hairy on the outside, his on the inside.’

- ‘I forget, did I mention my military background? Well, I used to be an officer in the Air Force.’ Oh my fucking god, that explains so much… Oh fuck, what ‘sceptics message boards’ were you on!??

- ‘I know the thrill of power that comes with the ability to end the life of something weaker than you-’ HISS, TEAR, REND, KILL, BITE, NO, NO, NO.

- No Jon, you’re not being hunted. You’re being besieged.

[jeongjaebae]

No mistletoe required

⇢ Jaehyun x reader  ⇢ 9.3k | AO3 ⇢ a cute and funny holiday college AU (lowkey enemies to lovers)

To your utter surprise and dismay, there's your neighbour. The one directly across from you who keeps turning the decorating into a competition, who happens to be setting up the next batch of lights on their door at this very moment. And that kind of ruins the previously good mood you were in, so you open the door to give them a piece of your mind. 

Why are you still here? Why are you still putting up decorations? Why are you turning this into a competition that I never asked to join— 

"Why are you shirtless." 

Or: There were three things you did not expect to encounter this holiday season. The first was to have someone else staying on campus over the winter break with you. The second, to have this person as your neighbour who tries to one-up you in Christmas decorations. The third, that this said neighbour would be hot.

Not going home for the holidays really wasn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, part of you was looking forward to doing whatever the heck you wanted without your roommates in the dorm, and not having any extended family members around to lie about having a good GPA or significant other to. Not that your GPA wasn't good, but the significant other category might need some work. Either way, you were excited to be able to finally bake Christmas cookies, decorate the entire apartment, and marathon your list of Christmas movies all while wearing your comfiest (ugliest) clothes and being sufficiently inebriated. There would be no one around to judge you while you screamed the lyrics to All I want for Christmas is You while dancing around in your pajamas. There would be no one around you for miles as even the RAs go home for the holidays.

It was like a dream come true.

"Today's going to be the day the rest of the door decorations go up," you announce to no one in particular. That's definitely another benefit of being all alone in this residence building—you could talk to yourself without sounding crazy. "They are long overdue so let's get this party started!"

There really weren't too many decorations left in your possession. You'd brought only a few things from home when you first moved in, like the cute ornament that looked exactly like your dog back home, a bow (for your hair but holiday decor takes priority right now), and a string of fairy lights that was originally for decorating your room but will now be taped onto the front door because you refuse to lose this unspoken decorations contest to the neighbour directly across from you.

This contest had begun a couple of weeks ago when you and your roommates had first put up a wreath on the door. It was already December at that point, so it wasn't exactly too early to start with the decorations, but with finals coming up none of the other students had decorated their doors. You'd thought the wreath that your roommate Rose brought was such a nice touch to remind everyone that the holidays were coming soon and that you'd all pull through with finals. Just a sign of hope and love and all the warm and coziness that you loved about Christmastime.

So when you opened the door later that afternoon and saw an identical wreath on your neighbour's door, you were stunned. You almost thought they stole it at first, but then seeing how yours was still there, that made you question some things. Maybe it was just a coincidence that they happened to have the same wreath, and they only put it up when they were reminded by seeing your wreath.

That was the first time, anyway.

A few days later, your roommates had brought out some pretty Christmas lights to wrap around the wreath. Again, it was just to lift the spirits of everyone during the dreadful time that is finals season. So you guys wrapped the lights carefully around the wreath, making sure that no one would trip on extension cords or anything like that. It ended up looking really nice and you were kind of proud of your festive door.

Until you saw your neighbour's door that also had an added string of Christmas lights.

Even worse, theirs did not simply wrap around the wreath like yours did but framed the entire door instead. It was as if they drew around the door frame with a highlighter because now all the attention would go straight to their door and leave yours completely drowned out.

The third time it happened was with the ornaments. You'd put your dog ornament on the wreath along with the other objects that your roommates had brought, some of which were pretty questionable (Rose's sparkly bottle cap, Jihyo's homemade felt gingerbread man, and Miyeon's earring?), but the overall vibe was still nice. It made the hallway feel more Christmassy than before and you knew that your copycat neighbour would not be able to mimic this.

But somehow they did.

You'd been trying to catch a glimpse of this lame neighbour through the peephole of your door all day, but the moment you stepped away for a much needed bathroom break, that's when their ornaments went up. You had come back from your under 30 seconds of a break and looked through the peephole and gawked at those twinkling ornaments—proper Christmas ornaments! The neighbour had hung them on the string of lights framing the door so that the lights bounced off and looked even brighter, shinier, warmer.

It also made you want to punch a wall.

That had been the week before finals. Your roommates were out of decorations at that point and you wanted to channel your anger into studying, so nothing had been done about the decorations. Unsurprisingly, your neighbours also did not add anything else to their door decor, which definitely squashed any chance of coincidence.

But now that everyone has gone home for the winter break, you were determined to put up the most extravagant decorations and have your neighbours come back to their defeat. The fairy lights in your room were ready for the world to see as you blasted a playlist of Christmas songs at decibels much higher than normally allowed. You had the tape in hand and were ready to go into battle. The door still had a ton of space below the wreath, so you started there and created a Christmas tree shape with the lights, taping them at every corner with the little battery holder acting as a base of the tree. Your bow hair accessory went at the very stop as a makeshift star, and you ripped out a sheet from your spiral lab notebook and cut off the ripped side to use as tinsel for this makeshift tree. It looked nice and cute and was definitely cooler than any traditional decorations.

"Okay, now that that's done I can finally get on with the Christmas cookies," you say to yourself.

The rest of the day was spent on baking some cute sugar cookies using Miyeon's cookie cutters of various non-holiday shapes, and some red and green food colouring which turned your icing into pink and green. So much for Christmas vibes. They were still cute though.

But just after you put the cookies in the oven, that's when you hear the creaking of a door and some shuffling sounds. You even turn down your music the slightest bit to hear what was going on because who could possibly still be here in this building? You had been certain that everyone would be going home and you hadn't heard a sound in days.

To your utter surprise and dismay, there's your neighbour. The one directly across from you who keeps turning the decorating into a competition, who is setting up the next batch of lights on their door at this very moment. You watch for a few seconds through the peephole as this mysterious competitor adjusts the lights on the door just slightly below the wreath, so all you could see was a hand.

And that kind of ruins the previously good mood you were in, so you open the door to give them a piece of your mind.

Why are you still here? Why are you still putting up decorations? Why are you turning this into a competition that I never asked to join—

"Why are you shirtless." You eye him up and down, the sight in front of you temporarily distracting you from the long speech you were planning on bombarding him with. "Um, that's so rude? You're basically giving everyone totally unsolicited naked pictures of you and your...abs, embedded into their minds forever."

That doesn't seem to startle him at all, as he simply stares back at you without missing a beat. "And," he looks at you up and down too, "your ugly Christmas sweater will be ingrained into my mind forever."

"Excuse you?" You weren't even wearing an ugly Christmas sweater though; this was just one of your regular cozy sweaters. "Well, is it hot in here or is it just you?" you spit out, the words dripping with sass.

Wait. What.

That came out totally wrong and was not at all how it sounded in your head.

He pauses for a second too but just breaks into a chuckle. "Why, thank you."

"I meant hot! In your apartment! You're the only one feeling the heat since you're clearly hot enough to be shirtless in the middle of winter!"

The corners of his lips raise the slightest bit along with an eyebrow, and that's when you knew he caught on to the last bit of what you said. "I'm hot enough to be shirtless?"

"You are not hot, okay? Like, opposite of hot. You're so freezing cold that I am going to leave before I get hypothermia" you lied through your teeth. Anyone who could say that he's not hot would be lying but that doesn't mean you'd ever admit it.

"So I'm too cool for you?"

"Bye, boy."

And with that you slam your door shut and collapse right against it.

That's the neighbour who's been secretly competing against your holiday decor? You hadn't pictured anyone in particular when you thought about the lame neighbour putting up decorations on their door, but this guy has got to be the farthest thing possible from anything in your realm of expectations. Even though you spent most of that interaction avoiding looking at him at all, you definitely saw enough. More like too much. But surely a guy who looks like every girl's quarterback frat boy crush with muscles like The Rock couldn't possibly be interested in being less than five feet away from Christmas decorations? And what was he still doing here anyways, away from all the friends and family back home?  

On top of that, now you had to continue this dumb contest for the rest of the break since you refused to let someone like that win at this.

***

The next day consisted of waking up to a drained laptop battery, your list of Christmas movies marked as complete, and no memory of having watched any of them because you'd fallen asleep near the beginning of the movie marathon. Cookies were left half eaten on the plate with crumbs everywhere and your mug had stains from the dried remnants of hot chocolate. It takes you a minute to collect yourself and for a good while, you'd forgotten about the awkward encounter with shirtless neighbour.

Until you hear him singing.

It wasn't a song that you recognized but that didn't matter because you were dazed. Firstly, that boy could sure sing. Yesterday his talking voice hadn't left any impressions on you probably because he hadn't said much and you were too busy noticing the insults that came out of that mouth, but his singing voice today is a whole different story. It's fairly deep but somehow still soft, and its timbre fits perfectly with the smooth R&B song he's singing. Of course you'd never admit it, but this was such a turn on and you did not know how to handle this information.

And secondly, it turns out the walls were not as soundproof as you thought, which meant he probably heard everything from your high notes screaming session to you talking to yourself about beating that dumbass neighbour at this stupid decorating contest. It was embarrassing, to say the least, but on the other hand, if he'd heard you through the walls then maybe he would know better than to sing and risk having you hear. Well, unless he's turning that into a competition too which may be a good possibility given how competitive he seems.

After eating an abnormally late breakfast at 3pm, you went to take out the large pile of trash that was overflowing the garbage can. It was long overdue but had just become an object in the background as everyone went through finals in the past few weeks. In short, it stank and was ruining your holiday mood.

There was something else that was ruining your holiday mood though. The first thing you see when you open the door to go take out the garbage... was your shirtless neighbour. Only he wasn't shirtless this time; he had a tee on but was still exposing those toned arms as he was, to your disbelief, still putting up some more decorations on their door. It seems like he actually did not copy your fairy lights idea yesterday because today he's taping up Christmas gift wrapping paper on the door. As if his apartment was a gift to anyone! You were sure that was a fire hazard or something but there were no RAs around to even report this to.

He freezes when you open your door and makes the most awkward eye contact with you for a few seconds too long.

"Wow, nice to see you in a shirt today," you say with heavy sarcasm dripping off those words. "Feeling kind of cold?"

"Nice to see you too." He doesn't take the bait but entirely changes the subject, a neutral but inviting expression on his face. "Hey, are your roommates here too?" And the dimples. Ugh, you could not look away from the dimples.

"What?" You pause. "Why?"

"Oh it's nothing, but I just keep hearing you talking to someone."

That's when it was your turn to freeze like a deer in headlights.

The thin walls. The singing this morning. Was it all so that he could make fun of you talking to yourself?!

"Excuse you? Just so you know, I still have more decorations that are much better than your corny wallpaper here. You aren't a gift, boy."

He simply chuckles but then gives you such a blinding smile. You hadn't paid attention to his face yesterday but with the shirt on today, it was a little easier to observe this competitive neighbour. And his smile, wow. "I'll be looking forward to seeing those."

Then you close the door and completely forgot about taking out the trash. Not the way this happens each time because of how much he infuriates you! But now it was too late to go out there because you'd be forced to run into him again, so you decided to wait until after he was done his door.

***

The video call comes at a good time as you'd finished a couple of Christmas movies and your fancy homecooked dinner of mac and cheese. It's not unexpected as your best friend and roommate, Rose, probably has some updates for you after her wild family gatherings.

"Hey, girl! How's it going?" You pick up on the first ring. You were surprisingly glad for the human interaction after being alone for nearly a week, but you suspect that her main motive for calling was to sneak away from her family holiday party.

"Wow, look at you all dressed up in festive pajamas!" She squeals. "They're so cute!"

"Thanks girl! Gotta be festive around here." Maybe you'd be embarrassed if it were anyone else on that video call, especially if they were all dressed up like Rose today, but she's been your best friend since middle school and you've all seen each other in plenty of embarrassing outfits on the daily. "How's your holiday going?"

"It's been good but pretty tiring. You would not believe the amount of drama my cousin has been trying to start." Rose breaks out into a chuckle. "But how have you been surviving there all alone without us?"

"Christmas movie marathons and cookies all day! It's been so nice to finally get a break from school and people, you know? Oh, except there's this annoying neighbour still here who keeps trying to compete with me for best decorated door or something." You roll your eyes. "Can you believe it? Who would do such a thing?"

"Oh, he's still doing that?"

"Yeah, unfortunately? I keep running into him too, like every time I step out—wait. You know him?"

She stares at you for just a second too long before responding. "W-what do you mean?"

"You asked if he's still here, but I hadn't even mentioned this neighbour's gender or anything yet."

"Oh nah," she brushes it off, "I didn't mean anyone specific but... Y/N?"

"Yes?"

Her voice drops down to a whisper as she leans in towards the camera. "Are you talking about Jaehyun?"

"Jaehyun?"

"You know, the one who looks like he should be walking the runway even in sweats and a tee."

You don't say anything but shoot her a questioning look.

"Oh come on. Broad shoulders, toned arms, probably has abs. Dimples and a nice face to top it off?"

"His name is Jaehyun?" you say lamely. "Wow, I was expecting something cooler. Like even Jay or something."

"So he is who you were talking about? Isn't he so hot?"

"Well," you hesitate. You would never admit that you actually saw the abs that she was imagining. Or that he does indeed belong at a photoshoot way more than he does in front of his door hanging ornaments. "He's okay I guess?"

"Just okay?"

You nod slowly. "Why? Don't tell me you... like him or something."

"What? No, Y/N, of course not! He's in my bio tutorial and we happened to bump into each other while walking back to the dorm one day, but that's it. Nothing to worry about."

"Okay, sure?" you say, unconvinced.

"Seriously! He's interested in someone else, okay?"

"You guys are close enough for him to tell you that?"

"I—" Rose stops and turns around to look behind her. "Shoot, my cousin found me. Sorry Y/N, I gotta go! Bye—"

Then the call ends. Even though you definitely did not see her cousin in the background.

It was nice to talk to your best friend again, but that conversation leaves you feeling strange. You're confused as to why she would word vomit about how hot Jaehyun was, then immediately try to convince you that she didn't like him in that way. You've all had crushes throughout the years and told each other eagerly about them, so why was she adamantly denying this one? If this had been a conversation in person, you'd probably be able to tell whether she was telling the truth or not based on the appearance or absence of stars in her eyes, but it was difficult to tell since it was a low quality video call after all. Maybe you'll grill her about it once she gets back.

That wasn't all though. There was a feeling you couldn't quite pinpoint, but it wasn't positive. Maybe you were slightly bothered by the fact that Rose hadn't told you about this crush? Or maybe you were feeling left out because she somehow knew this rival neighbour really well while you were left in the dark, trying to figure out who kept copying your Christmas decorations. That's probably it—you were disappointed that Rose hadn't told you that she knew the culprit all along!

Then another thought hits you when you're least expecting it. He's single. It's something that never even crossed your mind since you just started assuming that hot people at this age were all off the market and you'd die all alone. Not that him being single has anything to do with you not dying alone, but maybe Rose has a chance now if she really liked him. Nah, she's too good for a cutthroat Christmas decorator like him.

After washing your stack of dirty dishes in the sink, you finally take out the trash but not before checking for enemies through the peephole. Luckily enough, shirtless neighbour, Jaehyun, was not there. Unfortunately enough, his door actually looked quite nice with the wrapping paper on it. He chose one on the simpler side so that it wouldn't clash with the ornaments but it matched with the lights on the doorframe so well that it made you feel warm and fuzzy inside for just a second until you remembered whose door this was.

And then you remembered the bluff you so confidently stated earlier today.

So now you find yourself staring at the storage box at the top shelf of your closet because of that bluff you'd made so confidently earlier. The reality was that you weren't sure if you even had anything useful in this storage box but had to check for the sake of that bluff. You refused to lose to him at decorating, but even more than that, you refused to admit that he was right. So up the step ladder you went, standing so carefully as to not tip over and fall while dragging down everything with you. The top shelf was still quite high despite your height boost and tiptoes were still needed to reach the big cardboard box. You hoped that it was at least light but don't quite remember what you'd packed in there, so you grabbed it by the two sides and began slowly shifting it towards the edge of the shelf.

The last thing you register was hearing your own voice. Screaming very loudly.

Adrenaline coursing, blood roaring, heart pounding. You don't feel the impact as you hit the carpeted floor, nor the step ladder and the storage box and all the other items in your closet tumbling after you. It becomes a big mess on the floor of your room, looking like the closet vomited out half its contents. Unfortunately, most of it was on top of you so the clothing did nothing to cushion your fall. You would probably be feeling the ache tomorrow but for now, there was something even worse to deal with.

"Are you okay?" a voice suddenly asks. You nearly scream again. "What's going on?"

"I—um." The state of shock was still affecting your mind, so you simply decided to point up for your not-shirtless neighbour to see. "Spider."

And there it was, all of its eight legs attached to your wall right beside the box you were getting. You could've touched it! Your hand totally could've brushed it! The thought of it makes you squeeze your eyes shut and suppress a shiver.

"Wow, a big one," he says as he looks around and finally decides on some random tissue you had lying on your desk. He kills it in one swift motion, making sure not to leave any of its... bodily remains on your wall. Then he goes to dispose of it as you sit there wondering if this was all a dream and that someone actually dealt with your spider problem and made it look so easy.

Despite the rivalry between the two of you, at that moment, there was nothing more attractive than a guy who could kill bugs for you. The abs were just a bonus.

"All gone; nothing to worry about now." Jaehyun reaches out a hand. "But are you okay? That sounded like quite the fall."

"Yeah, just fine." You gingerly take his hand as your head is still spinning and he pulls you out of the giant pile. You're thankful for his firm grip but what you notice instead is how soft and big his hand is.

He catches you when you stumble. "Careful," he puts his arm around you and guides you to the bed. "Wait, you're bleeding."

"What?"

"Stay right here. I'll go get a first aid kit."

You sigh as he leaves, suddenly feeling exhausted and actually glad to be taken care of for once. The thought of Christmas decorations leaves your mind and is replaced by the feeling of his arm around you, the faint smell of his body wash, how he reached the spider so easily without even stretching too far and certainly without using the step stool. And now he's getting a first aid kit for you? This definitely must be a dream.

"You didn't hit your head, right?"

Oh. Right. That was probably why your thoughts are all strange.

Jaehyun settles into the chair opposite you, alcohol wipe and cotton swab in hand. "This cut must've been from the corner of the box. Might sting a bit."

You hardly paid attention to anything he just said because suddenly there's the way he leans towards you so, so closely. The rest of the world starts to blur into the background as you feel his hand gently brush your skin, the worry and care in his eyes so genuine. Any feelings of self consciousness seem to melt away, the close distance between you not uncomfortable but rather perfect for slowly leaning in and—

"Ow!" you hear in your own voice again. He'd started cleaning the area on your left cheek with the alcohol wipe and it was the sting that seemed to jolt you from the strange thoughts.

Maybe you really did hit your head because what was all that?

"Sorry," he flashes a smile and has the audacity to laugh at your pain. "Need to make sure this won't get infected."

"You brought this first aid kit from your place?" you ask dully.

"Well, didn't know where you keep yours so..." He opens a tube of ointment and squeezes it carefully onto the cotton swab.

"Wait, how did you even get here in the first place? No, why did you come here?"

The smile on his face only grows. "Your door was unlocked, obviously. And I heard you scream followed by several loud thuds. Is that good enough?"

"Yeah, but why did you come here? I would've been just fine."

"I had to make sure that my lovely neighbour wasn't dead, alright? Otherwise who's going to continue our little holiday contest and lose?"

"Okay, first of all, you would lose. Second, you should've left me for dead," you grumble. "No one wants to participate in your stupid contest."

"Oh, come on. I thought you were enjoying it since you promised to show me all the decorations you still have." He opens a bandage and places it ever so gently on your cheek. "All done."

"I could've done that myself you know."

At that, he raises an eyebrow at you, grin still plastered on his face. "You really would've killed that spider that caused all of this?"

"How dare you—I might've? But you caused all of this actually. If it weren't for that dumb competition then why would I be up in my closet looking for that box of stuff?"

It was true enough. You wouldn't have looked for this box and you wouldn't have seen that spider. And he would absolutely not be here dealing with you battle scars.

"Oh." Surprisingly enough, that smile he had on disappears and he actually looks kind of guilty. "I'm sorry."

"Right."

"No, really. I feel bad that this happened because of something so silly. Let me make it up to you; no more competitions, no more decorations."

You almost heave a sigh in relief after hearing those words. It was like a dream come true as you've wanted nothing more than to have this decoration obligation off your back, though not if it was because he assumed you were going to lose.

So you're still suspicious.

"And how exactly are you going to do that?"

"Hmm. Let me treat you to a meal?"

You look him up and down. "I'd rather stay in."

"We can stay in and get takeout or delivery?"

"I'd rather eat alone."

"Oh come on." He has the audacity to pout at you now. "What's the point of spending the holidays alone?"

"Well, actually I've been having a lot of fun on my own."

"But doesn't it get... lonely?"

Maybe. You shake your head. "Not really."

He heaves a dramatic sigh. "How about just one night? And if you really hate it that much then I won't bother you again."

You sigh too, equally as dramatic. "Fine. But only because I'll get to beat you at whatever games you have planned."

"I'd love to see that." The grin is back on his face in full force, dimples and eyes both seeming to twinkle.

"But why do you even want to spend time with me?"

"Well, we're the only two people on campus and we happen to be neighbours?"

You stifle your laugh at his goofy expression. "Okay, fine. Please don't make it weird though."

"Weird how?"

"You know, those apocalyptic stories about the last two people on earth having to do you-know-what in order to survive and procreate and all that."

If he had a drink in his mouth, you're sure it'd be sputtering out by the way he half laughs and half chokes.

"Um, no. I have not heard of anything like that, but I think we can confirm that I'm not the one making it weird right now."

"Hey, you were the one rude enough to go walking around shirtless!"  

"I'm just kidding." He smiles that dazzling dimpled smile again. "No competitions, no decorations, and no weirdness. Deal?"

You purse your lips. "Deal, but also, shirts are a must. And pants. Don't you dare pull anything funny."

"Deal. Oh, but before I forget," he pulls out his phone and unlocks it. "I hope this isn't considered part of the weirdness."

"Hmm." It's the 'add new contact' page on his phone that he hands you, of course. "I'll let you off the hook just this once."

You add your name and number as well as a description of 'your amazing neighbour who's better at decorating' before handing it back to him.

"Nice to meet you, Y/N. I'm—"

"Jaehyun."

"You remem—you know my name?" His eyes widen, an eyebrow raised.

You shrug. "Yeah, Rose gave me your name."

"Rose talked to you about me?" Eyes flicker briefly and the corners of lips settle into a sort of frown. "What else did she say?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because—why were you guys even talking about me?"

"She literally called to say that there is absolutely nothing going on between you guys." You roll your eyes at just remembering that strange conversation. "But in any case, I'll have you know that I think she's way too good for you."

"And I'll have you know that there's absolutely nothing going on between her and me," Jaehyun crosses his arms, eyebrows furrowed. Yet at the same time he somehow looked relieved, body slack against the wall and not tense like a moment ago.

"Whatever you say," you shrug. "Oh, but she did mention there's someone you're interested in."

"What?!"

You definitely save his name in your phone as 'stupid shirtless decorating neighbour'.

***

The next few days consisted of some simple exchanges through text. The hangout was planned for Christmas Eve which was still a few days away, and as much as you didn't exactly want to be talking to him, you find your gaze wandering to your phone whenever it lights up with his name flashing across the screen.

Yes, it was just a hangout, not a date. You'd be staying in, acting casual, and there would be no weirdness involved as the two of you had agreed. Besides, you didn't even like him. At this point you could only bring yourself to admit that he was quite attractive and that your annoyance with him might've died just a little when you watched him save you from the spider and treat your wound. But now there was a new annoyance stemming from how rudely this guy was showing off all of his perfection (all six feet of it!) right in your face. Who does he think is he? You just know that you're lucky he isn't in any of your classes because this competition might've started way earlier with test grades or whatnot.

The point was that you couldn't wrap your head around why he would suddenly want to hang out with you. Based on his previous actions, it was to probably beat you in various video games or in something that should not even be a competition.

You decide to video call Rose to ask her for advice on how to better prepare you for this war.

"Did I interrupt?" is the first thing you say when Rose's face comes on the screen. She seems to be at the table in the middle of a meal, but it didn't look like a restaurant nor did you recognize it as anywhere in her house. "I can call back later."

"Nah, it's fine! How are things going on your side?"

Before you could answer, you see a guy walk into the frame. And recognize him immediately. You lower your voice, "Are you with our TA?"

"Um..." She only shrugs at you but you could see her flashing a smile at the guy who walks out of the frame. Who you're sure is the TA of your psychology class.  

"Rose, are you on a date with our TA?" you whisper.

"Sorry, I'll be right back," she says to him, before the background changes and you could see her walking to a different room. "Okay, yes, you caught me."

"How long has this been going on for?"

"Not long at all! It's a long story though and I'll tell you in person first thing when I get back. But hey, didn't I tell you that there was nothing going on between me and Jaehyun?"

"That's the first thing you decide to bring up?"

"Well, I just wanted to make sure you knew." She rolls her eyes. "Anyways, how are things going over there?"

You sigh deeply, ready to launch into the drama that is your life. "I may or may not have a hangout with him in a couple of days."

"What?!" she shrieks, making you nearly throw your phone. Her loud voice also invokes an 'are you okay?' from your TA, which you still could not wrap your head around. "Wow, that was quick."

"Calm down, girl, it's just a hangout. And yes, it's way too quick because I don't even know him? Don't know why he would want to hang out but I'm guessing it's probably to turn everything in a competition."

"Just because of that thing with the door decor?" She laughs. "I think you're reading too much into it. Just enjoy the holidays with some company! Besides, how do you know he doesn't want this to be a date?"

"Well, we agreed that there would be nothing weird, and also, doesn't he like someone already? So it'll just be chill and casual."

"Where are you guys going for this?"

"Literally nowhere," you stifle a laugh at the thought, "just his place right across the hall."

She snorts, "Oh man, good luck to him cleaning that up."

"Why, is it like super messy or something?" You wouldn't be surprised as it's a boys' dorm after all.

"Y/N, it's a next level mess in there, and nothing sparks joy. Trust me, Marie Kondo would definitely lose her mind seeing that mess of a place."

"You've been over to his place?"

"For a bio project! You'd think he could've picked the library or something but no, I had to trip over multiple piles of clothes lying around." She rolls her eyes, a smile on her face. "Sorry, I shouldn't be talking to you about all this. Don't worry! It'll be fun."

"I sure hope so?" You raise an eyebrow at her.

"Well if you really want to keep up with this contest of yours, I have an idea. I mean, only if you want to get back at him for the decorating thing or whatever stunt he pulls. Just in case."

"Um. I'm listening."

She leans closer to the camera, looking ready to spill some big secret. "You guys should make it a formal event. Get all dolled up—don't give me that look; I know you've missed dressing up since before finals. Anyways, get your fancy dress and makeup on and see who can clean up better. I know you've got some skills, so this is something you'd definitely win."

"But we're not even going out," you whine, "it's literally going to be twenty feet away."

"It's just an excuse to dress up, Y/N. Besides, if it's at his place you won't be freezing in your dress."

"I don't know—I feel like this kind of violates our 'nothing weird' rule."

She shrugs, "Well, it's only a competition if you're winning." Then she flashes you one of her hundred-watt smiles. "Just ask him. Okay, I gotta go. Talk to you soon?"

"Yeah, sure."

***

Jaehyun agrees to it, to your surprise.

You're not sure what kind of reaction he had as it was all done through text, but he didn't ask anything and just went along with it.

When Christmas Eve finally comes around, you pick out the most glamorous dress in your closet with some pieces of jewelry to match with it. The silvery material shimmers and glitters, bouncing light in so many directions it seems to make you radiate a type of confidence you could only wish you had. It was something you've never even worn before because of how revealing it was, but you'd brought to college with you in case of special events. And well, even though this was definitely not a special event, it still turned out to be a good decision because maybe you'd be able to beat him at his own game of so rudely showing off.  

But the moment you knock on his still gift-wrapped door is when you knew that these contests never go very well for you.

"What. Is. All. This." were the first words out of your mouth as you stood there in shock. In fear. In awe.

"Hmm? You said you wanted it to be a fancy event, so I just made it fancy...?"

"I—"

You had no words for this.

The lighting was dimmed with only the flickering candles on a tabletop and fairy lights swirling right above it creating a soft glow in the room. There was a beautiful red tablecloth with expensive looking plates ready to be served with whatever food was behind the delicious smell remaining in the air. A bottle of red wine and empty wine glasses. His apartment was spotless and not at all what you imagined it to look like, especially after Rose's spiel the other day about how messy it was. You don't doubt he spent a lot of time and effort to clean the place and set all this up, but this was way beyond anything your imagination could've thought of.

And lastly, there was him. If you'd just expected him to simply have a shirt on, he definitely went above and beyond the low expectations you had. Here he was standing in a white dress shirt tucked into black dress pants. Sleeves rolled up. Hair gelled up and slicked back. There was no ounce of imperfection in him or in this entire set up, and suddenly the outfit you picked out seems so insignificant. You could already taste the disappointment of losing a battle you'd had all intentions of winning.

Another thing that worried you was that this didn't look like the setting for a hangout. This looked like the type of place rich people eat at, where proposals happen, where anniversaries are celebrated, where you might even run into a celebrity. You definitely shouldn't have listened to Rose's advice because now it just seems like you played yourself.

"Do you not like it?"

"No, it's fine but Jaehyun, it's just—a little weird."

"A little weird? Yeah, I thought so too." He looks down, leaning against the wall as if unsure where he was supposed to go, what he was supposed to do. Not that far from your own situation.

"I shouldn't have asked for this fancy hangout," you say under your breath, then quickly change the subject before things continued down this slippery slope of awkwardness. "Anyways, I don't see a tree in here. What happened, Mr. I-have-better-decorations-than-you?"

"No tree this year, but I do have a gingerbread kit?"

"And what, were you going to put that on your door too?" You roll your eyes at him. "Let's put it together it right now."

"It was definitely an option but you're the one who wanted the fancy date." He shrugs at you innocently.

"I just wanted a chance to dress up, okay? You can't possibly comment on this," you gesture at the dress, "the way you made fun of my sweaters."

There's no expression on his face as he gives you a glance over then quickly looks away. "You look...good."

"Thanks, I know." You do a hair flip in his face just for emphasis. "Okay, let's get to it! And would you turn some lights on already?"

It turns out, decorating a gingerbread house became a lot like decorating the door to your apartment. Unintentionally. It's not like you were highly competitive by nature, but there's something about his calm demeanour, his laidback gaze, and the way his lips curl at the corners that irks you because you wanted to break down those walls and see something real. Who does he think he is, looking and acting so perfect on your supposedly casual hangout?

Besides, it wasn't your idea to see whose side of the gingerbread house looks better.

"We must look so silly doing this," you comment. "Two people all dressed up in fancy clothes just to build a gingerbread house."

"It's totally part of today's itinerary of fancy activities. Just look at how fancy my side is?" He turns the tray so you could see it. "It's looking like a mansion over here."

You resist the urge to roll your eyes at him but you'd expected nothing less. "Then I guess it would suck if someone decided to ruin it."

Holding his gaze as if a challenge, you take the tube of pink icing in your hand and squeeze it generously all over his side of the gingerbread house. It was like a thick coat of fluffy pink clouds on the roof, in the yard, and all over the windows.

His jaw drops. "You. Did. Not."

"I think I did," you tease, the biggest smile you've worn in days on your lips from just getting a reaction out of him. "And I'll do this too." He definitely does not expect it when the huge blob of the pink icing on your finger gets dabbed onto his cheek.

"You're not getting away with this, Y/N." That's the last thing Jaehyun says before he starts chasing you down with a tube of blue icing in his hands.

Then it becomes a game of running around the apartment in circles, occasionally getting close enough to place another wad of icing on him but also for him to cover you with it. Until you decide to grab the icing sugar and use that as your next weapon.

The first pinch of it lands on his face and coats it like a foundation far too light. The image of him— stopped in his tracks, lips pursed and trying to blow the sugar off, blinking with disbelief—was enough to supply you a year of happiness so that's when you let your guard down and pause to wholeheartedly laugh at him. But that's also when the icing sugar came flying at you.

In the end, both of your fancy clothes and tidied hair ended up being coated with icing sugar, as well as the apartment he'd put so much effort into cleaning. And you didn't mind at all for it worked in giving you a glimpse of someone real behind the mask of perfection that he had been wearing in the few times you'd seen him so far. Someone who isn't just abs and a pretty face, nor just competitions and winning.

Basically, someone you could like.

Dinner passes by in a breeze with delicious foods and surprisingly easy conversation. Maybe it should've felt like an awkward first date with how little you knew about each other and how you've barely seen each other before this point, but it wasn't like that at all. It was hard to define because it wasn't quite like talking to an acquaintance, yet friendship would be too tight of a term to describe this relationship. He felt familiar, like an old friend that you knew you could share everything with despite knowing him no better then a stranger. But perhaps that was from the amount of wine you both drank; while it wasn't your drink of choice, it was definitely helpful in facilitating a lot of laughter as you kept breaking out in giggles and he definitely couldn't keep a straight face.

Time was slowing as the two of you collapsed on the couch afterwards, satisfied from a hearty meal. You found yourself suddenly dreading the inevitable end to your time here, though the warmth of the wine pushes that thought away.  

"If we were outside, that would've totally been a snowball fight," you mention, looking out the window where fluffy snowflakes started to float through the air. It seemed like a Christmas miracle for it to be snowing so unexpectedly but maybe this year will give you a beautiful white Christmas.

The corners of his eyes crinkle when he smiles so brightly even with the dim lighting of the room. "Then we could've also been making snow angels or a fort."

"Sorry for dirtying your floor though." You couldn't help but giggle. "It was so clean before all this."

"Don't worry, this isn't even as bad is it usually is," he confesses with a laugh.

"Yeah, Rose told me all about that."

"She did? Oh I'm so going to kill her."

The two of you burst out laughing at that, leaning over in a way that has your hand lightly brushing against his.  

"It's not all terrible though. It almost looks like it snowed in here too," you say, admiring the sprinkles of icing sugar scattered all across the floor that looks nothing like actual snow, but it's nice to think of it that way. "Icing sugar everywhere."

Everything you look at seems to glow and sparkle with the heat of the wine still swirling through your body, heart racing, cheeks hot, the world spinning just slightly. And it's not like you were completely drunk, but instead it felt more like you were drunk on life with small, happy thoughts bubbling through your veins—how cozy this place was, how it's the holidays, how you actually enjoyed spending time with Jaehyun and how things turned out much better than you could've possibly imagined. It was nothing like the image of competitive gaming with the frat boys that Rose had put in your mind; this was the most romantic thing that anyone's ever done for you even if it wasn't intending to be more than a casual hangout.

Then there was how attractive Jaehyun looked as he's seated right beside you, hair dishevelled from earlier, a faint pink dusting his face, shirt unbuttoned just low enough to expose the top of his chest. Icing sugar at the corner of his lips where a faint smile rests.

When you look back up, his eyes meet yours and you have to urge to quickly look away, cheeks blazing from knowing you'd been caught staring a moment too long. But instead, a sudden stroke of courage compels you to hold his gaze, perhaps to see a reaction, perhaps as a question silently lingering in the room for much of the night.

"Mhm, it's beautiful," he says softly, still not moving his gaze from where it rests on you. "You still have some right here," he says softly, leaning in slightly as his hand brushes across your heated cheeks. Everything seems to happen in slow motion when he reaches your bottom lip, thumb grazing gently.

And suddenly it was like a repeat of what happened just days earlier. When he meets your eyes again this time, his dark pupils are twinkling in an answer to your question, luring you into their gravity until you're sinking, eyes closing, slowly getting lost in him.

Sparks fly at the slightest brush of his lips on yours and that's enough to abruptly drag you out of the moment you were swept into.

"Wait, Jaehyun—we agreed not to make things weird."

As much as you wanted to just kiss him right then and there, there was still some part of your mind that was telling you to stay away from this slippery slope. That things will be different after the rose-coloured lenses of alcohol and lust fade, that the weird that you both had tried so hard to avoid would end up happening and ending badly.

"Um, right. Sorry." He looks away, refusing to meet your eyes as his cheeks redden, unrelated from the wine. "Y/N... it's just that I've liked you for so long."

Out of all the things you thought he would say, this was nowhere near any of it. His words catch you totally off guard and seem to immediately sober you up.

"What? What do you mean?"

He sighs softly, a hand running through his hair and a hand on yours, tentatively.

"I'm not sure if you remember but we went to the same middle school." Jaehyun pauses, his eyes searching yours for a reaction but you don't dare breathe, waiting for him to continue. "I know this was so long ago and it shouldn't even matter anymore but middle school wasn't really a good time for me."

You take his hand in yours, encouraging him to go on.

"Kids could be so cruel back then, you know?" He smiles sadly. "But you were the only person who showed me such kindness. I could never forget that, Y/N."

"Middle school?"

He confirms with a small nod and that's when you think back. Middle school wasn't a good time for you either and it probably wasn't for anyone, but nothing in particular stood out in your mind. You had a small group of friends back then and got good grades. You were in the school's band and might've been teacher's pet one year. There wasn't exactly anyone bullying you, but there was one girl who was mean and made up rumours about you and some guy you didn't even know. That guy turned out to be really nice though, and the two of you ended up as good friends as a result of that rumour. But all that ended when his family moved right before high school and you never saw him or contacted him again.  

"Sorry, I don't really recall. Were you in my class? There really weren't any boys in my life back then, like the only guy that I can recall is Hyunnie." You smile just thinking about the memories. "He was a good guy. Not sure what happened to him but I kind of liked him."

Jaehyun says nothing but you could see a hint of a smile that he was trying to hold back.

"What, you also know Hyunnie?"

He still remains silent, this time shrugging his shoulders the tiniest bit as he bites his lips.

"Then? Wait—" You gasp when it hits you. "Wait. We all called him Hyunnie but... Hyunnie. Jaehyun. That's—no," you shake your head, "there's no way. That's impossible."

"Y/N," he weaves his fingers with yours.

"You're joking." You stare at him to try to put the pieces together. The Hyunnie you remembered was a small, chubby boy with glasses so big they seem to cover his whole face while his bangs would cover the rest of it as if seeming to hide him from the world. Maybe initially you just wanted to support him as the rumours tied the two of your together, but after getting to know him better you realized he was very kind and genuine. And that's when your admiration for him started.

"Remember the secret code names we had? And the glow in the dark watch? And our mad minute competitions?"

"You're Hyunnie," you breathe, still shocked.

"Yeah," he whispers.

"But—why didn't you say anything at the time?"

"Because I knew you wouldn't feel the same," he looks away, not meeting your eyes. "I thought moving away would help me get rid of my feelings...but it didn't work."

"Why were you so sure about that? Why wouldn't I feel the same?"

"Is it not obvious? I—wasn't exactly someone you would be proud to be with. You were so sweet and popular and gorgeous. You had so many people wanting to be with you, and I—I was nothing.

"Don't say that! I was so happy that you were one of my closest friends." You pause. "Also, how could you be so wrong?" You roll your eyes at him, at all the silly things that once felt like the end of the world but are now so trivial when looking back.

"Was I wrong?"

"Yes! I liked you too, okay? I don't care what you look like. Jaehyun, you don't know how hard it was for me after you left without a trace."

"I'm sorry. I can only promise you that it will never happen again." Then he pouts. "Also, I worked so hard for these abs just to hear you say you don't care what I look like. Wow, I'm hurt."

That makes you burst out laughing. "They're definitely nice, but you are worth so much more than what you look like. And don't think that I wouldn't like you for who you are."

He brushes a strand of hair behind your ear, leaning in just a little closer.

"Okay."

"Never think that you're not good enough."

A hand cupping your cheek, tracing your jaw. Even closer.

"Okay."

"And don't ever leave me like that again."

His lips hesitate just for a moment.

"Okay."

Then they're crashing on yours, the electricity between you crackling so loud it blocks out the rest of the world as your mind is only filled with Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun. His lips are sweet like the cotton candy you had back in seventh grade, lingering on your teeth at the amusement park, turning his tongue bright blue. His touch is gentle, ebbs and flows like the ocean during the eighth grade beach trip, water gently lapping at your feet, sand between your toes and between entangled fingers. His scent surrounds you like a warm hug on a cold day, like a hoodie too big to fit your shoulders while sitting outside of the school after the dance. All the memories flooding back make your mind spin; the things you've forgotten, the ones you've buried, and the fragments that he'd taken when he left, now brought back to their rightful place.

As the clock struck twelve, there were only whispered words of Merry Christmas in between lingering kisses, racing hearts, brushes of bare skin.

It wasn't weird like you were afraid tonight would go. What you once thought to be awkward and strange turned out to be so right, so perfect. Sure, it might hurt to know that there was all this lost time between you, but now you could make up for that by spending the rest of it getting to know each other again. Learning and relearning each other until there was only a seamless connection between the past and the present, an invisible red string tying the two of you together.

And maybe you did lose all these competitions to him but they never really mattered to you anyways especially when you gained back an old friend, a first love, a soulmate.

[lokisgoodgirl]

Hey @smirkingkitten ❤️❤️- and thanks @smolvenger for the nudge on this.

Below the cut for some T.

1. How did you first bring up the topic with your partner, or how did they find out about it? How did they react? Were there any difficulties or misunderstandings? We watched season one together - I was ovulating for the first time in like 9 years after coming off the pill and Loki hit me like a train. The first time we watched it together I was like....sweating with need. When he came downstairs a few days later and commented that I was watching it again - I just said something like ' I have a crush on him real bad,' - and he just laughed and said same. Little did he know...

About...a month later, after reading a lot of fanfic - I decided to make an account here and write some shit. I did ponder whether or not to tell him about that, but that lasted about 5 minutes and I did. It was more of an FYI, and he was amused and intrigued and supportive.

2. Does he even know the full extent of your obsession? He does, yes.

3. How do you explain to your partner the reasons behind your obsession and what you've been doing here all this time?

For me its tied up in the writing. He's proud of me for exploring this side of myself that he hasn't seen before (we've been together nine years), he likes the little glint I get in my eyes when he's watching TV and I'm typing away. Sometimes I read him out a passage I'm particularly proud of - and he'll say 'the tumblr ladies are gonna dig that' and I'm like 'I hope so dear' He knows I have my lil online friends and we engage in some bantz about how gorgeous and wonderful and hot Loki/Tom is.

4. Does your partner understand your passion, and how does he handle it? Is he jealous that you're soooo infatuated with someone else? He knows I get a lot of joy from it, and it doesn't affect our lives in any negative way. Actually I'd say that my 'obsession' has improved our relationship in all the ways. I think he gets a kick out of the fictional competition, personally 🤣 Better than some dude I work with in finance.

He also watched the new episode on Friday (he's at home, I'm away) and he text me that night saying 'Are you OK after ep 2? Do I need to call someone to revive you"

5. How do you balance your obsession and your relationship? After all, reading, commenting, and especially writing fanfiction takes time.

It does, but it's how I choose to spend some of mine and never at the expense of what we do together. We're not a couple that's in each other's pockets constantly, we don't check each others phones or go everywhere like glue. We communicate, and he trusts me. And I trust him. Right now I'm on holiday by myself in another country because I love outdoor physical things and he doesn't - he knows that I know where the line is and that I'd never cross it.

6. Do you have any advice for me or others in similar situations?

I'd just say that if it makes you uncomfortable sharing it with you partner, you don't have to. We all have our boundaries and fantasies as you're under no obligation to spill your inner thoughts to him about this just as he has no obligation to give you a list of the porn he watches. He should respect that, and it makes me sad you feel the need to hide it in a way that causes you stress. If it's not directly impacting him in any negative way, he has no entitlement to the information.

I'd ask yourself why you feel the need to hide it - and go from there. If this is someone you see being in your life for a long time, then why can't you share it? Even if it's not all the gory details. Your creativity and "obsessions" aren't negative if you channel them healthily.

7. Are there any entertaining or funny anecdotes related to your partner and your obsession? There are two recent ones:

A few weeks back when Mr LGG and I are lying in bed, just about to turn of the light having a cuddle. He was talking about having his hair cut or something, and he said in that humorous way - "but Loki is more attractive than me,"

and what I meant to say was..." you're more attractive than Lokiiii" (you know, like a sweet normal person)

but what I actually said, in the same sweet voice was: "Loki's more attractive than youuuu"

and he KNEW what I meant to say, he KNEW it. And we just stared at each other and burst out laughing and of course I apologised profusely and tried to backtrack and he went all comically huffy and then fcked my brains out.

--

Secondly, we were at a family party and my mother in law's drunk neighbour shows up. She sits down, is talking to his family and suddenly turns to Mr LGG and says "You look like...doesn't he look like...?" *combs a hand through my husbands hair** and I could FEEL it. I could FEEL what she was gonna say. And then she said '"Loki"

Backstory to this is that Mr LGG dressed as Loki last halloween, grew his hair for the occasion and kept it long because it looks killer and he gets all the compliments. He has v dark, slightly wavy hair.

Now...several people at the table KNOW of my exploits, and we all just looked at each other and burst out laughing. AND SHE WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALL NIGHT. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

--

I know you like the domestic tales @peachyjinx @joyful-enchantress @gigglingtiggerv2 xx

Hey fellow my companion down the road of Hiddlesthirst,

Lately, the topic of "Obsession and Relationships" has been on my mind. This applies to experiences in committed partnerships as well as in the dating scene.

In my case, it's likely related to my depression/ social phobia or probably some wrongly learned beliefs, but I feel it's better not to reveal the full extent of my obsession to my boyfriend. He's already annoyed and partially jealous of what he knows. I feel the need to hide it. 😣

That's why I'm interested in your experiences and opinions on this matter.

I've compiled the questions into a list to make it easier to answer:

1. How did you first bring up the topic with your partner, or how did they find out about it? How did they react? Were there any difficulties or misunderstandings?

2. Does he even know the full extent of your obsession?

3. How do you explain to your partner the reasons behind your obsession and what you've been doing here all this time?

4. Does your partner understand your passion, and how does he handle it? Is he jealous that you're soooo infatuated with someone else?

5. How do you balance your obsession and your relationship? After all, reading, commenting, and especially writing fanfiction takes time.

6. Do you have any advice for me or others in similar situations?

And to keep it from being too serious:

7. Are there any entertaining or funny anecdotes related to your partner and your obsession?

I will take my time to respond to all answers, so don't be surprised if it takes a while. Furthermore, while I can read English, I often find it challenging to express myself in it. (That's why I usually consult an AI to ensure the clarity of my English writing.) 🙈

[spectorsdove]

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐏𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

𝐀/𝐍: An old fic I wrote ehe. I'm a sucker for angst what can I say. Hope you dearies are ok and enjoy!

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Remus Lupin × Reader

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: around 3000

𝐑𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: Fluff/Angst

𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞/𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭/𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐜. 𝐃𝐎 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐀𝐍𝐘 𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐄.

As I ran along the corridor, late for class, I bumped into someone with a loud ouch.

"I'm so sorry"

"Hey its no problem, let me help you," a soft voice responded. As I reached for my potions home work, a hand brushed mine.

Remus John Lupin, my rival. The only person who's intelligence rivaled mine. The person who makes my life living hell. The sweetest gum-drop to everyone, loved by all. However, I'm not "all."

"Y/N?" he asked, looking at you with those big brown eyes.

"I'm fine Lupin," I responded as I grabbed my book from his hand.

"At least let me-"

"I said I'm fine."

He slowly got up, and offered me a hand. I huffed and shoved it as I stood.

"You know I was only trying to help y-"

"I'll see you in class Lupin," and with that I stormed off, leaving a very confused boy.

Now you're probably wondering, what makes one hate Remus Lupin, the sweetest guy, the glory of the marauders. Well let me tell you, not much.

My mother and his were the very best of friends, there by, we became best friends. Every holiday, every weekend, every opportunity we got, we were at the Lupins. Remus and I grew close. He shared his love for reading with me, a love I always had but never felt so confidence to share with him.

From fantasy to romance, I read it all, but I never shared it with him. The vulnerability I felt knowing he'd see what I enjoyed, what I loved, what I wanted, it was too much. His mum told my mum about his "illness." He thought himself a freak, a monster. He would cry about it, the pain he felt, the embarrassment of scars. To me, he was all but an angel sent from heaven, beautiful and pure.

Before we began Hogwarts, we made a promise to never leave each other's sides, to remain best of friends, no matter the houses or the circumstances. As it turned out, we weren't sorted in the same house. Everyone was shocked knowing that studious Remus was sorted in Gryffindor while me, odd-ball and awkward, was sorted in Ravenclaw. At first we were both shocked, but we kept the promise.

Until one faithful day.

Now while I never shared my love for reading with him, I did share everything else. My love for baking, knitting and potions, you name it, he knew. We shared our darkest secrets with each other. He shared his insecurities about his scars, and me my insecurity about being "fat." We made plans to open a book/tea shop, he would supply the books and I the tea, obviously. He knew everything about me, except for my reading and I knew everything about him. And for that, I loved him, but he never loved me.

In the beginning of the first year in Hogwarts, in the middle of a potions class, we were presented with amortentia. Why we were presented with such a complex potion at such a young age, I couldn't tell you. Perhaps Professor Slughorn was feeling cheeky. I smelt him in it.

I smelt the soft worn out pages of the books that he read, I smelt the roses he always grew, his chocolate he always carried and something entirely him. After class, we met at the lake, our place where we'd meet and study. As I approached him, he seemed really tired, as usual, and something I thought I never imagined he would posses, anger, raw and bitter anger.

"Hey Rem, you alright?" He turned to me with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.

"Rem oh Gods, whats wrong?" I rushed towards him and slowly wiped his tears away.

"Talk to me, please," I asked softly while I wiped all evidence of tears.

He looked up at me, those beautiful kind eyes, eyes that held so much emotion but always the best ones.

"I don't want to talk about it," he said batting my hands away.

I awkwardly fixed my glasses, "Okay well whenever you're ready, you want to start studying for our potions exam?" I began to unpack my bag when he got up, fuming.

"You know what, yeah I do want to talk about it" I sat up, completely confused.

"Remus?"

"Y/N how is it, the one person, the one person who hates reading, detests it, passes every exam without fail? And not just passes, but tops every class. How?"

I sat there gaping, "Well I-"

"Don't lie to me, don't you dare."

I stood up, a feeling of anger consuming me. "What do you mean Remus? I study just like you, just like everyone."

He grunted and groaned, "Stop lying to me," he screamed, "I read everyday, I study all the time, and yet you, you get all the awards, all the academic glory"

I felt myself begin to heat up and tears begin to form, tears I begged not to fall.

"What do you want me to say Remus? That I cheat? That- That I use spells to make me remember? Is that what you want to hear?"

He stared at me, his gaze hardening.

"I'll give you one chance, and one chance only, tell me the truth." I step back, gaping, confused.

"I already told you Remus, I do the same as you, I study."

He looked to me and said in a tone I never believed he could conjure, "Fine, if that's what you want to tell me, don't talk to me at all."

"Remus you can't be serious." The tears I tried my best to hold, began to spill furiously as his words made me crumble.

"Y/N, I don't ever want to talk to you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to study with you and I sure as hell-"

"I smelt you in the amortentia today," I blurt surprising myself.

"You what?"

"I smelt you, the chocolate, the roses, your books," I say sniffling.

He laughed, a cruel sarcastic laugh, "Oh really? Me? You must be joking?"

I stared at him, confused and hurt.

"You think I'd ever smell you, or like you. Y/N you're bloody lying to me, I could never like, or for that matter, love someone as hideous as you."

My eyes began to gush now. How dare he? The one person I trusted, my best friend.

"Remus you don't-"

"Oh but I do," he said while he picked up his bag and looked at me.

"What about our plans?"

He looked to the school, "I could never work with someone like you Y/N, I've never disliked someone as much I dislike you now."

He began to walk to the school,

"Remus wait I-"

"Leave me alone forever Y/N, and don't come here anymore, I have other plans here, plans that don't include you."

With that, he walked away, leaving me, my tears streaming, my glasses foggy and my heart broken.

So you see, I never really hated him, but I obliged to his wishes. We never met again, he hung out with his friends, James and Sirius and Peter. As for me, I hung out with the first person I spoke to in Hogwarts, Andromeda Black. Now, Andromeda and I are two very different people, but we shared a love for potions . She knew of my love for reading, she saw me reading on my first night at Hogwarts. We became quick friends, and she soon became my best friend. She's like a sister to me, but I never did tell her about Remus.

After I left Remus on the corridor, I ran and met Andromeda in potions.

"Hi dearie, saved me a seat?" She laughed and moves her bag.

"Students, please note, today we will be brewing potions in pairs," the class sighs, "pairs that have already been chosen." I sighed loudly.

"Cmon its not that bad, you could be paired with that cute Hufflepuff guy."

We laughed softly. Remus and another guy ran in and swiftly sat down. Professor Slughorn began to call the list of pairs.

"Andromeda Black and Xenophilus Lovegood," with that Andromeda groaned and got up.

"Y/N Y/L/N and Remus Lupin," and my mouth fell open.

Remus came to my seat and we began to collect and prepare the potion. No one knew the potions name, only its ingredients. However, these ingredients seemed familiar but it never clicked. I felt his eyes stare through me.

From the first year to the fifth year, my body didn't really change, I still remained a "fat girl" but hey I grew some boobs. Does he still think I'm hideous, I thought. I shook my head and we worked in silence.

"So how are you Y/N" he asked softly.

Those beautiful innocent eyes stared right through me. Nope, not happening.

"I'm fine Lupin"

"Quite the tumble you took today, I-"

"Let's just finish this okay?" He shook his head and we worked in silence.

He seemed, nervous? Sad? Distressed was the word. After finishing the potion, we all gathered at the front. Dread began dawn on me as I fit the puzzle pieces together.

"Now, who can tell me the name of this potion hmm?"

"Amortentia , sir," I said in a soft voice.

"And Y/N can you tell me what happens when you smell this potion?"

"You smell things that you love sir," I answer shakily.

"Very good Miss Y/L/N, please, do us the honours of smelling the potion first." Dread filled me, but I still walked towards his desk. Please, I silently beg, please.

"Well Y/N what do you smell?" I inhaled the the aroma.

"I smell- I," I gulped, "I smell roses, chocolate a-and books."

Professor Slughorn applauded

and awarded Ravenclaw 20 points and I return to my original place. I felt his eyes on me, but I only felt pain. After four years, how can I? As class is dismissed I began to rush outside, but he grabbed my hand.

"Y/N please wa-"

"Let go of me Lupin"

"Y/N, please I-"

"Lupin let go of me," I heard my voice break with emotion. He heard it too and let me go.

Later that evening, at the brink of dusk, I sat in my room reading. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, a favourite of mine, and one of Remus' too.

I sighed and stared out the window. Its been four years Y/N, pull yourself together. Those four years were one of the most brutal years. Thank goodness for Andromeda, without her I'd be so lost and defeated.

After that day where Remus and I fought, he moved on well, he was constantly surrounded by his friends and well I, I was alone. I spent my time helping Madam Pomfrey.

I learnt how to conjure spells to fix injuries and how to fix bones and so on. Although Remus and I stopped speaking, I never told anyone about his "illness," but I did help make the potion to control it, Madam Pomfrey taught me how to.

He didn't know this either, not that he'd care or want to talk to me or- Pull yourself together Y/N, he forgot about you, he kept his promise and you did too. I sighed and began to turn in for the night, my mind racing.

To say I avoided Remus for the next week was an understatement, I ran from him. I spotted him the corridor, I ran the other way. Saw him in class? Sat away from him. Saw him in the library or lake? I'd be gone before he could say quiditch. It hurt, but I needed to do it, our last conversation played in my head over and over again. I couldn't bear his venom again, but I missed him, but could I manage without him? Hell yes.

On the Sunday that week, I walked down the stair well of my common room, wearing a fluffy sweater and cozy joggers. It was exactly midnight and I'd gone avoiding Remus perfectly.

The heavy monsoon of October interrupted my sleep, but otherwise the school was sound. I crept down and checked for anyone. No one, lovely. Now I know what you're thinking, Y/N what on earth are you doing? Its bloody midnight. Well, I'll tell you. I was going to read. Due to my hectic schedule and lack of free periods, I spent most of the day working. But at night, it was the only time I read. I grabbed my wand and made my way to the library, my footsteps muffled by the pitter patter of the rain.

As I reached the library, I sighed in relief. No hiccups on the way, thankfully. However, the scent of chocolate lingered in the air. I tensed but brushed it aside, he was here today Y/N, I said to myself. I shook my head and began to search for a new book.

I gently tapped my wand against a lantern and held it. Tonight was a mellow night, I wanted some excitement, a bit of comfort. I sighed, laughing to myself as I grabbed Pride and Prejudice from the bookshelf.

I made my way to my reading nook, a cozy little spot, very hard to find, between the ends of the furthest bookshelves. As I read, my eyes became droopy. Five minute won't kill me, I convinced myself. As my eyes grew heavy and began to shut, a loud crash jolted me awake.

Who on this bloody earth would be in the library at this hour, I thought to myself. I extinguished the lantern and hid between two bookshelves. I held my breath and counted silently as I heard footsteps approaching. I exhaled slowly as I heard them fade away slowly. I stood up and sighed, picking my book from the ground, making my way back to my nook. Or I would have, if it weren't for the hand that grabbed me.

I spun around and was promptly shoved against the bookshelf, a warm lean body pressing into my cold soft one. They covered my mouth but I saw no hand, their other hand trapping my hands above my head. They slowly removed their hand from my mouth, and removed their cloak. The warmest brown eyes, eyes filled with emotions I've only read about, met mine.

"Remus," I exhaled in a mix of shock, hurt and relief.

He stared at me, those big thoughtful eyes watching my every move. He took his hand and fixed my glasses that slipped down.

"Hi Y/N," he said softly. My heart caught in my chest and my throat felt thick with emotions.

"Let go of me Lupin," despite me being a larger girl, Remus was still stronger, by a lot.

"Cmon Lupin, let me go, I'll leave and you can have your private time," I begged looking into those beautiful hazel eyes.

"If I let go," he whispered softly, his breath tickling my ear, as he leaned in,"will you let me talk for a minute?"

My heart hammered, "Yes." He slowly let go of my hands and stepped back. I sighed with relief, and then shoved him and ran.

I ran out the library, down the hall. I heard him calling my name but my tears that streamed my face answered why I couldn't stay. After four years, I never did stop loving my- the big goof. I reached the end of the corridor and ran onto the lawn, a stitch forming in my right side. I gasped as I felt myself begin to freeze in the cold rainy night. Bloody twit used a hex on me. He approached me with a vigor and I stared at him, tears streaming, and my heart hurting.

"What the hell Remus, let me go," I gritted as I tried to move. He took my wand away and held it.

"Look, I just want to talk, I'll let you go but please, please listen to me," he pleaded.

How could I ever say no to that beautiful boy? I nodded as best as I could and he unfroze me, my wand still in his hand.

I stared at him, my tears flowing in torrents, just like the rain,

"What do you want Remus? I did as you asked, I left you alone," I shout over the boom of thunder. He looks at me and I saw tears flowing down his face too,

"Tell me the truth Y/N"

"Remus I di-"

"No Y/N, tell me why you wake up every night, why you sneak off to the library every night."

"I-Remus b-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his voice cracking, "You made everyone believe you were uninterested, bored by reading. You lied to me," I sobbed.

"I didn't want you to-"

"To what Y/N to judge you?" he stepped closer to me as the rain and soaked our clothes.

"To what, think you a nerd? Like me?"

"No I-"

"Y/N is that really what you think of me, well than-"

"I lied because I couldn't let myself be vulnerable around you," I say as I sob looking away, "Remus, I- I didn't want you to see what I liked or what makes me cry, or angry or happy," I sniffed as thunder boomed, making us both jump.

"Then why did you tell Andromeda?" I gape at him, "Yeah why?" I felt my anger build up,

"She found me reading one day Lupin, I don't have to explain myself to you," I huffed as I began to walk away.

"I smelt you, in the amortentia," he admitted, his voice thick with emotion.

"In our first year, I smelt you," he said, stepping closer to me,"I smelt green apples, like your perfume, cookies, like what we baked, and books. Books."

I stood staring at him but he continued.

"I smelt you but you never told me about how you read, why you'd come to class tired, or why you stayed up all night. I thought you trust me Y/N"

"I did Remus and I do," I cried, "I just couldn't afford to be vulnerable around you."

"Wh-"

"Because I love you Remus," he stared his mouth ajar,

"I've always loved you Remus, I love that you trust me, that you showed me everything, your likes, dislikes, loves, hates, the good and bad."

The thunder boomed but I continued,

"I didn't tell you because I was scared Remus, it felt like sharing a piece of my heart with you, and I didn't know if I wanted to share so much, knowing that you didn't love me." I sobbed miserably as tears flow slowly down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry Y/N, I never meant to hurt you," he cried stepping closer to me,"I know what I said that day, and I've never forgiven myself for it," he said as be wiped his eyes, the thunder rolling.

"I'm sorry and I know I hurt you, I thought you hated me,"

"Remus I-"

"I thought you hated me and preferred Andromeda to me."

"Rem, you were my best friend, and I loved- I still love you," I admitted, defeated, "I didn't want to show you everything, I didn't want you to hate me."

He held my hands and intertwined our fingers,

"How could I hate you when you're my love?" he asked, as he crashed his lips to mine.

My eyes widened but I slowly melted into his embrace. He dropped my hands and pulled me in gasping softly. His hands wrapped around my waist and mine, tangled in his chocolate locks. I never felt such passion, such emotion, emotions I only read about. I felt tingling sensations stretch across my body but his touch soon soothed it.

He pulled away slowly, both of us gasping for air.

"I've always loved you Y/N," he said as he pulled me close, his hands wrapped around my waist,"I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm so-,"

I silenced him kissing him softly,

"It's okay Rem, I would have probably gotten mad too," I said sniffling.

He chuckled stroking the small of my back. "Well, I think of a way I can make it up to you."

"Oh?" I sniffled as I look at my beautiful boy.

"Y/N, you are the love of my life, I love, love, love you," he held my chin and and makes me look up at him. Raindrops and tears mixed and fell down both of our faces.

"Be my girlfriend, and maybe one day-maybe one-," I kiss him and he sighs, relieved.

"Yes Rem, I'll be your girlfriend."

He hugged me and kissed my forehead. We held hands and walked in the rain, talking and laughing.

"So how on earth did you know that I read in the night?" I asked him.

He laughed and pulled us into the corridor, sopping. He showed me the marauders map and explained it.

"I'm sorry I spied on you," he apologized blushing. He held my hand and led me back to my common room.

When we reached, I turned to him.

"Thank you for the walk Rem, I'll see you in class today?"

He smiled his signature gorgeous grin,

"How about we skip today?" I laughed and I kissed him,

"Whatever you want Rem, Whatever you want."