#me and still choose to love me''
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Welcome to the "Oh THAT'S why I'm obsessed with that character!?" Club.
It's very similar to the "Writing reveals the writer, I whisper in horror" club.
Lol, I'd say I'm a founding member of the "writing reveals the writer" club, except that club's been here since the time of my ancestors XD
But yeah, when things clicked I just kind of went
at myself XD At the bus stop, no less!!!
#asks#bobbi's being weird again#to be fair I *have* had the ''oh so that's why I love them'' epiphany before#it's just always been mundane things like#''he embodies everything I idealize in a potential romantic partner''#or ''this horrible person who's secretly a good person on the inside gives me hope that real life human people can stop being jerkasses''#never ''I choose to love this character who is at odds with the concept of humanity because I myself have always felt ostracised from my own#humanity and I love them with everything I have because I wish someone could see all the darkness and imperfections and monstosities within#me and still choose to love me''#I have recognized that a lot of what I *write* reflects my desire to be loved despite my flaws and weaknesses#but I think this is the first time I've realized that's why I love certain characters#anyway glad the club is filled with cool folks n_n
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today i love the red metal crane in her long neck arching her body over the boston skyline, which means i am okay for a moment. when i am unwell, everything is a little ugly. i always tell myself look for the beauty but when it is bad, i will look at birds and sunsets and little ducklings and feel absolutely nothing.
when my brother got his puppy, i was in a deep depression. what kind of monster isn't affected by a puppy. i was gentle and kind to her - i just didn't have an emotional reaction. she's five now and i feel like i spend all of our interactions apologizing to her - i don't know why. i just didn't feel anything. how embarrassing. i feel like if i admit that, i'll seem cruel and jaded. it comes in waves. like, two months ago when i went out into the world - it was like that. life behind a pane of stormglass. a firework could go off over your head - nothing. like dead skin, no reaction. not to ice cream or rainbows or baby chickens. life foggy and uninteresting.
i love goslings again. i love their little webbed feet splayed over grass. i love good food and live music and long walks. i like puppies. i feel like some kind of my soul has been starved - i keep staring at everything with wide eyes, trying to burrow the sensation into my stomach. it's real. beauty is real. when it's bad again, remember this. i stop and smell the flowers, feeling cliche in the moment. i like the white-to-red ombre of my neighbor's roses. i like colorcoding and yoga and cold drinks. i try to pass my hands over every moment, feeling like i'm squeezing joy out of every instant. remember this. for the love of god, it's real - just remember this.
#and yet i NEVER DO REMEMBER IT#spilled ink#writeblr#i feel like due to tiktok ppl think >#deeply depressed & not having an emotional reaction to things MUST mean#you are cruel or uncaring#like girlie that is STILL a lack of mental illness awareness. it doesn't make us mean#it just means im like. ohhhh im not well. i don't really react to puppies. that's bad#Im still gonna be super nice to the puppy. like it just doesn't bring me joy.#bc the problem i have is CLINICAL. the dopamine ISNT being made.#but PLENTY of us are still kind#considerate.#GENTLE people. even if we're like '..........' all the time.#i actually think this is why i'm harsh on people who are so mean - you don't need to be emotionally attached to someone/thing#in order to be kind.... you just choose to be kind bc it's the right thing to do#not bc it's easy....... like it's extra effort sure. but it's worth it. bc ppl deserve kindness.#it's hard to describe this bc it's the ugly side of depression. the part that's like#not in netflix - the part where it's like ''i love this person. i just don't feel anything''
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a small question of faith (suspended, for a walk)
#ultrakill#v1#gabriel#gabv1el#gabriel being able to choose who he is and who he loves and what his faith means now#v1 actively engaging in interest and curiosity but not morally or culturally burdened in any regard#so it helps him disconnect just enough to eventually experience guiltless freedom#because the questions and considerations will still be there when he gets back#but he can finally breathe#nevermind me!!!!!#doodle tag
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the modern villainisation of demeter will never cease to enrage me bc it wasn’t ENOUGH to just take a story of a girl being torn from her home from everyone who loved her and dragged away to be forced into marriage and twist and corrupt it until it was a romance story about female empowerment that wasn’t ENOUGH they HAD to take the original hero of the story the mother who went to every length to find her daughter again to bring her home and demonise her character until she was this horrific overbearing unloving mother. overprotective controlling without love. they turn the story of her grief at her YOUNG daughter being torn from her without her knowledge into the story of a misunderstood bad boy and a horrible cruel mother who won’t give him a chance and i really find it sickening. it’s ironic, that the ever misogynist age of hellenistic greece, has a better grasp of how disgusting and horrifying this situation was that a modern, self proclaimed ‘feminist’ era.
#ovids version made me cry#imagine you’re just a nymph watching your friend torn away from you by the literal king of the dead#and despite knowing how powerless you are against him you still choose to stand up to him#to stand up for your friend#imagine being so torn apart by the grief of losing her you weep yourself to death#imagine turning that story into a good girl/bad boy romance#weird#anyway#the story of persephone is personal to me#bc i wish my mother loved me like that#demeter was a good mother#you all suck for portraying her as anything less#idc if you disagree#‘oh myth is open to interpretation and reinterpretation’#okay. well i don’t care.#there’s such thing as bad interpretations#making demeter the villain is a bad one#making hades a misunderstood protagonist is also a bad one
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while im at it neopronoun opposition is weird to me as a swedish person.. the whole debate is so anglocentric that they assume every language landed on the same solution they did, to reuse a plural pronoun as a gender neutral one and then they think any other solution is absurd or unheard of. what do you mean you just made another pronoun up you cant do that!! etc
coz its like here in the 2014 the swedish academy accepted 3rd person pronoun "hen" (as opposed to hon/han) like officially into our word list after it gained some popularity in the 2010s. like that is a NEOPRONOUN that someone just Came Up With in like the 60s and then people just started using it and now its just a recognized part of our language. sure we could've also reused our plural pronoun "de/dem" as a gender neutral one but we just made up a new one instead. and to like imply that mainstream use of a neopronoun is just UNHEARD OF and that neopronouns is something the mainstream could NEVER GET USED TO EVER!!! is... your perspective is very limited to the english speaking world is all i can say
#now like it is pretty cool that the swedish academy did choose to include it in our word list even despite the conteoversy#because ofc there was conteoversy what do yoy MEAN youre CHANHING OUR LANGUAGE????#but like even if that disnt happen the word still gained lots of traction before that and started being used#like smth doeant have to be accepted by the mainstream nevessairly to be valid anyway#some ppl are happy even if only their friends and loved ones r the ones using their neopronouns#so like. bleh#q-rambl3#sorry for the many gender rambles these past weeks#i see so much discourse and it irritates me ans TBIS IS MY ONLY OUTLETTTT
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...wait
what a man he is, this Gale Dekarios
#mmmmmm#yeah okay im normal about it once again i swear good night#baldur's gate#baldur's gate 3#gale dekarios#gale of waterdeep#gale romance#bg3 gale#bg3 screenshots#mystuff#actually love when he tries to be smooth and then just.. like this#yeah im a brilliant person but i still cant believe you chose me#its also what he has in common with Astarion when you choose him over someone adsfasdf#gale x durge#ooops i tagged as Tav its not true akdhsjdh
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The tragic idea that the Betrayers loved their siblings so much that it ended up being what drove them apart. They didn't want to settle for anything that could hurt their family, and mortals were doing so, either directly (a mortal usurping one of them) or indirectly (emotionally hurting them during the Schism by just. dying so much). To the Betrayers, it wasn't worth it. They wanted their beloved family to leave and go somewhere that wouldn’t hurt them.
To them, it's the primes who are the betrayers. The primes were motivated by more than just love for their immediate family - they loved their creation, too, and more than that, felt a responsibility for it. They would rather fight their own siblings than leave it.
We saw all the gods love and protect each other during the opening of Downfall. The Betrayers were not uniquely evil from the start. They wanted to save themselves and their family from hardship and suffering, even if it meant leaving their creation, their game, and in response their siblings locked them away. Not only do they not love mortals, they view mortals as this corruptive force that somehow turned their family against them. Do they think that, if they succeed in exterminating them, the Primes will be freed from their influence? Maybe - perhaps some of them are waiting to forgive and embrace their siblings, but far from all, I suspect. Asmodeus certainly expressed during Calamity that he didn’t so much want to be reunited with his siblings as he wanted to punish them. He was betrayed by the ones he loved most for the sake of a game! Maybe togetherness and forgiveness was once an obtainable goal, but not anymore. Even if the Betrayers succeeded in ending Exandria, the Primes would never forgive them, and they would never forgive the primes. Their family can never be whole again because of, as they see it, the toxic influence of mortals. So they hate mortals for this influence, but more than that, they hate their siblings for being so weak as to fall for it.
#the betrayers were selfish in wanting to choose the gods' wellbeing over all of exandria#but they don’t see it like that. to them the primes were selfish for choosing a stupid game over their family - the only thing that mattere#sighs wistfully. still a bit sad that there's no betrayer pc's. would've been interesting#but their presence is still really cool don’t get me wrong! no one plays asmodeus the way brennan plays him#i just. imagine being a regular human teenager and then you go through anamnesis and realize youre a god who hates all mortals#what did that look like? were they conflicted? attached to their mortal families? did they immediatly turn bad again?#man i would love to see the actual anamnesis process PLEASE#critical role#cr3#cr3 spoilers#downfall#cr spoilers#nella talks cr
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I don't know what this is all I know is that LimL Joel makes me really emotional
#I know he has a tendency to go deranged on his red lives but idk something about him beginning to lose it after Jimmy died and killing Grian#joel smallishbeans#smallishbeans fanart#trafficblr#Again its his red life shenanigans but... If only Jimmy had known how affected someone was by his death. I'm choosing to believe this#and him then going out like a sad pathetic wet cat even with Grian's sacrifice... He really deserves a win one of these days lmao please#Also I cant stop thinking about how Jimmy wouldn't have left him. Grian was sensible to and most players probs would have#Joel really does become a lost cause so its fair and Grian did still care (and went to say goodbye as well as sacrifice his time for him)#But Jimmy would have stuck by even if Joel were in this state (and they'd both get themselves killed pathetically but)#And Joel having shown such genuine care for Jimmy and concern over his limited time... man anything w Jimmy makes me so emotional lol#I love them so#oh Ig about the art itself. I dont like it but hey thats how it tends to go when you try smth new. And no shame in trying#but if one person likes this then yayy I will still feel accomplished and happy#Im looking at this again and hey its not that bad actually yay I love to approve of my own art. self love hell yea#tubby art
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I think a lot about Leo’s tendency to push his way into the spotlight despite clearly being a natural in the shadows. Hell, you could argue that his worst moments are when he’s forcing himself onstage, and his best are when he does things no one notices until it’s already been done.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rottmnt headcanons#rise leo#His aptitude with subterfuge sleight of hand stealth and speed really push how being a ninja really comes naturally to him.#it’s arguable that his desperation for the spotlight and validation is an act of subterfuge against himself#note that when he’s offered a job as a mascot he’s fine being unknown#when he and splinter win the battle nexus Leo immediately says ‘they love YOU pops’#idk I think so much about how good a ninja Leo is#and how much his persona is more an actor#Leo as a tot is shown a natural skill at katana too so hear me out-#every Leo is a natural ninja but every Leo’s route in life is directly tied to their splinter so#since rise splinter is an actor Leo too aims for it#and he brings it into his whole life - masking always because a Leo makes what they do who they are#I think that Leo naturally falls more in line with that of a typical ninja#his eccentric performer self is his subterfuge skill just set to an 11 at all times#not that that’s NOT him - like I said it’s still undoubtedly a part of Leo#but? idk I think about little moments like Leo being the only one to choose stealth in bug busters#or Leo being the only one to almost get Gus’s dog tags in The Ninja Art of Hide and Seek (he was so close but luck was against him alas)#like- he’s clearly in his element there and he falls into those skills so easily#it’s like how everyone has skills in so many things but some exceed more in some than others do#like Raph? Raph’s the biggest Hero of the bunch of them let’s be perfectly real here. Raph is THE Hero#All the boys are smart in their own rights but Donnie is THE Genius.#and they all have mystic powers but Mikey is THE Mystic Warrior with immense untapped potential#likewise Leo I feel is THE Ninja#but yeah I love how much Leo goes for the spotlight anyway for better or for worse#he IS a performer again make no mistake! but again the way he does it still lines up with his natural ninja aptitude and I love it#Leo loving magic tricks and magicians so much works doubly well here because like#you’d think he’s focused solely on the performance flair - no it’s ALSO and ESPECIALLY the DECEPTION
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do i think jatp is ever gonna come back? no.
do i think, objectively, that it would be hilarious if it did come back with a 5 year time jump in which the band are incredibly famous and successful and alive and willie is alive too and they’ve just left caleb stuck in nicks body for 5 years because ‘he got himself in there surely he can get himself out’? yes. yes i do.
#like. the comedy of it all. them knowing from very early on that caleb has possessed nick but just choosing to ignore it is the funniest#possible option to me fjdkd#julie and the phantoms#love that people still have a smattering of hope for a s2 but that isn’t me#i’ve accepted the death of my silly lil ghost show but still. funny to think about
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if i was tommy, i wouldn't say no to him either
like okay angel, whatever you want, i'll give it to you
#he looks angelic in this scene#911 abc#bucktommy#911 on abc#evan buckley#tommy kinard#tevan#i saw someone say that their shipname could be firefly and i mean... that's quite cute#i love firepilot though as well#but there is still something about tevan that gets to me#we have got to choose a shipname
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tfone au where OP is created as the last of the primes but way after them, a sparkling born at what were thought to be the last days of the war against the quintessons, the beginning of a new generation of peace after eons of war. a child meant to be loved and raised knowing nothing of war nor sacrifice.
he's kept mostly out of the spotlight by his siblings, who don't wish to expose him to everyone's optics so young, and want to wait until the war is done and over to properly introduce him to their people.
except of course the primes are betrayed and murdered by sentinel, the war is lost and everyone who knows and cared for the truth is either banished or outright killed in order to suppress it.
and the high guard, the ones the primes trusted the most, the ones that were supposed to protect them, the ones who failed in their most important duty, have to make a choice. to take the last prime, their last hope, with them to the surface, a hostile environment where there's little to no supplies and where they'll be hunted down by both sentinel and the quintessons as the biggest threat to their regimen.
or hide him in plain sight. place him where sentinel won't think to look for him. one more sparkling among many. and hope it will be enough to keep him alive. pray to primus that he'll protect his last child long enough for them to come back for him when it's safer (even if most of them have already lost their faith on him when he allowed the rest of his children to be massacred like that)
they almost lose their resolve when they realize they will have to take the little one's cog away in order to make him blend in with the rest of the newborns (and oh do they burn with murderous intent when they see what sentinel has done to their people but it's not the time yet-) but in the end they decide an impaired little prime is better than a dead one.
and so in the chaos of thirteen dead primes and a sudden energon crisis, a little sparkling who very few mechs really knew about and even fewer had seen completely vanishes. and in the depths of iacon a mech in charge of a new batch of newborns scratches their helm in confusion as they realize they must have miscounted the first time.
optimus prime is quietly erased from any official records by sentinel, written off as dead when they find a sparkling's frame mangled beyond recognition after an attack on the base of those rebels that insist on being a thorn on his side. killing the sparkling hadn't been precisely in his plans, he probably could've found some use for it after all, but he's not particularly upset about it either.
and orion pax grows up with an ache on his spark that tells him he's missing something far more important than a t-cog and dreams of gentle and loving hands, cradling him against the frames of mechs he cannot recall the faces of.
#i talk a lot <3#transformers#transformers one#tfone#optimus prime#orion pax#baby prime orion au#this is mostly an excuse for me to draw the primes and baby OP later on. just to be clear.#i WILL be drawing this at some point lmao#tbh i'm a little uncertain how i want things to progress#because on one hand it would be very tasty and tense if sentinel recognized optimus during the race#but that means a lot of changes very early on in the plot and i would have to do a lot of Thinking on how to justify getting the gang#to still pick up bee and elita. cause i love them <3#i do think it'd be very funny if the high guard's plan worked like a charm except for the very tiny fact that they didn't count#on orion being an absolute hellion. like. this kid is Not Going Unnoticed and it's completely his own fault lmao#in this version maybe a member of the high guard stayed behind to keep an eye on orion and is able to get them out before they're killed#but instead of taking them to where the primes fell they take them directly to the high guard#which is very awkward because it's a very moving and emotional moment for the high guard who are finally reunited with their little prime#all grown up and healthy and blessedly *alive*. except orion doesn't fucking remember any of them and is very confused as to why#the legendary warriors of cybertron are getting all weepy over him. they finally explain the truth to him which is a Fucking Bomb#to drop on anyone but especially a group of kids who almost got killed by the person they all thought the world of just hours ago#they also return orion's t-cog to him which would create some tension between him and the rest of the gang because this time#he's the only one getting his cog back. add to it that they were just told he's the equivalent of a demi-god and... well.#there's a gap between him and them that wasn't there before#on the other version of events that follows canon more closely everything goes the same up until the gang finds the primes in the cave#and wake up alpha trion who now not only has to deal with the fact the rest of his siblings are dead but that he missed fifty cycles#of his baby brother's life. that the only sibling he has left does not remember him or his true identity at all.#he has to choose between telling him the truth which has the risk of unbalancing him in a critical moment where he cannot afford to#be distracted because they're being hunted down. or let him remain unaware. let him forget their family and the love they had for him#but letting him remain free of the knowledge of what he lost and the heartbreak it would bring.
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I can pinpoint the moment that destroyed my life today:
It’s been a handful of weeks since Murderbot came within inches of having a new, organic governor module implanted in its head via infection - do you think, maybe, that’s also been hiding behind the redacted? Not the way everything else is, just as a deep-seated reminder of what it can’t afford to lose?
What a way to be told “I love you” - to be told “I will not lose you, I will not let go, I will do the hard part of holding on even if you don’t want me to”
#the murderbot diaries#murderbot#murderbot spoilers#perihelion#I am not normal about this and I will continue to be not normal about this#I have feelings about how important they are to each other#how their relationship doesn’t fit into neat boxes and is still undeniable#I don’t think art loves quite like humans love but it DOES love and will all of that power behind it#that love is an overwhelming thing I think#not romantic but INTENSE the way it just… IS intense by nature#and like… I got to the part where mb was thinking about just walking away in the other direction like#’oh this is BAD bad’#and this moment just…….#something about ‘you can’t go because I won’t let you’#’I will make the hard choice for you even if you don’t like what I choose’#not even in a possessive way just. just that mb is not ALLOWED to not exist#and I’ve got a lot of goddamn feelings about it#mb is a little bit in pieces and art is gonna forcibly hold those pieces together until it starts to heal#(but also. goddamn don’t even get me started on art having to hear that because. HHHHHH)
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they are putting yaoi in the city art museum and censoring nsfw content with heat-responsive material so you have to put your hands on it to see dick
#just thinking thoughts...#I'm not sure I fully agree with whether it needs to be censored at all#but I do really like how they've resolved the situation#look at yaoi with a sense of purpose etc. get personal with it. if you choose not to then why not#places I'd love to take hypercapitalist taiwanese brazilian dude so he can examine his discomfort with yaoi lmaooo#'bro you are drawing so much gay shit... your plausible deniability is wearing thin... are you sure you're not a fudanshi'#<- the correct gendering on this still sends me every time
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i like to think everyone has a colour associated with them, whether its just your fave colour or what you generally wear most of or what colour your bedroom walls are. i always associate the name sophie with dark blue, my mum is always a nice turquoise, i like to think my colour is a bright sunflower yellow.
if you have a specific shade pls tell me i adore when ppl have associated colours and tell me them, bc i think of them when i see that colour
#shut up danni's talking#its one of my ultimate favourite aspects of character designs and i will forever use it w my characters#but i also think abt it w ppl!!!!#its almost certainly spawned from a combo of my mum passionately loving her colour + my primary school#my primary school's name/theme/whatever was related to the rainbow#its common for primary schools in the uk for the uniform to be polo shirts and schools would pick a colour and that was your uniform#but w my school's theme being rainbows they were like lol whatever colour as long as you're in a polo shirt#so kids would choose whichever shirt colour they wanted some kids switched it up every year#others stuck w the colour they chose all 6 years#so of course i would correlate ppl w colours which is how i always relate sophie w dark blue#bc i'd play w this girl called sophie in the afterschool club who always wore dark blue through all the years i knew her#tbh i still think of my brother also as dark blue bc he would wear the same colour#if you could not guess my colour was yellow and i always felt distinctly wrong when i had to wear a different colour#there were a couple times i had to borrow a new shirt bc mine got dirty or all mine hadn't been washed so i had to wear my brother's#i don't know if its just me but i feel like everyone has an affinity with a colour even if its n9t your fave#hence the poll lmao
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Halloween Siffrin!! A vampire one too!!
My mind started thinking about isat while listening to hi3 7.0 trailer and so this idea stuck until I was home
Timelapse under the cut
I was struggling to choose if I'll add music or not, but too tired to re-edit you get the music version, it's ISAT OST music by Studio Thumpy Puppy Floor 2 to be specific
#fanart#my art#artists on tumblr#isat siffrin#isat#isat fanart#in stars and time#And WOW it's not a spoilery sketch!#For the first time ever#i love this one sm#I keep thinking about witch Mira and Frankenstein monster Isabeau#And a ghost Loop of course they're next on the list with Isa#Still figuring out Odile#Siffrin having a mostly black outfit was funny to draw for a change#Maybe I'll start drawing them in their usual clothes underneath the cloak too#also#STAR CAPE STAR CAPE I got hyped when I understood THAT I FINALLY GOT A REASON TO DRAW THEM IN SOMETHING STARRY#Well more of an excuse#I'm bad at designing so this one looking good enough for me then it's fine on a medium or bad level#But STARRY CAPE#Also an eyepatch with a constant wink#halloween#happy october#Little fact - you can see me choosing between making Siffrin eye look like canon Siffrin or straight up just like Loop eye for a split sec#It's the first time I colored Siffrin fully too looking at the refs carefully and so on#timelapse#tw flickering#For the timelapse! There are some moments like that better not risk it!#with id
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