#me @ myself: no feelings < chemistry only
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In the world of heavy metals, love is denser than hate!
#Poorly drawn SVSSS#SVSSS#luo bingge#luo binghe#ask#Is that right? Two different character tags? I think that is right.#I'm calling myself out with screenshotting the asks with the dates because my full ask box has become a problem I'm determined to solve.#I promise you that if I did not respond to your ask it was because I 1) *really* wanted to hold on to it to make a doodle reply#or 2) really was so touched by the message and got overwhelmed#So expect many year + old asks suddenly gaining a reappearance! I'm going to get to them ALL.#Back to Luo Binghe (both versions). You see...the substance he is made with has a chemical reaction to affection.#Like how a pokemon has multiple paths to evolution depending on it's friendship points or exposure to random stones#so to does he evolve into various forms. I feel like Bingge (Ht) would be a noble gas. Unable to form bonds#I could also see him as a Halogen-type of element! Highly reactive and only truly found in manufactured environments.#And Binghe (Lv) would be an alkaline earth metal (+2). Sturdy. Forms bond better but not freely giving them away.#this is the second time I've related characters to elements - and I am far less familar with Scum Villian so please feel free to chime in.#I could be way off base here and I am very down for someone to talk chemistry and character themes.#Thank you all for the love you have given my silly little LBH. It means a lot to me B*)#Don't...don't look too hard at the lack of mark on his forehead here. I gave up. It's just...hidden behind his bangs.
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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I just finished watching Hannibal for the first time and I’m having emotions (I’m not okay, help)
Will had such a chill life after everything that had happened to him. A nice life, a simple one, some might say. Then Hannibal came back into it, all went to shit... or did it?
Will could have chosen not to get involved with the FBI again. He could have chosen not to get in the car with Hannibal in the end. But he went with him. He chose him over the simplicity he might have had a chance to go back to in some way. But in truth, he didn't have much of a choice. He went with him because he needed to. Because he was too deep in the whole thing again. Because the Dragon was still free and alive. Because Hannibal would have gotten away and Will would not have had peace in his life either way. Because the side of him that needed Hannibal was awake again. Because they understood each other in a way that nobody did before they met.
"When life becomes maddeningly polite, think about me", Hannibal had said. He coaxed that part back out of Will that Will had tried to bury over the years. Will's whispered "it's beautiful" about the life he and Hannibal could have had. Seeing beauty in what he had tried to ignore but in some way still wanted. This was not about winning each other over anymore, or helping each other become a "better version" of themselves; each with their own perception of what better means. This was acceptance of the impossibility to cut each other out. There was acceptance and relief in their hug in the end, the way they clung to each other. There was Will's final acceptance of it all, of himself, in the fall. They fell for each other in whichever way that might have been. They fell with each other because it was the only way left to be together at this point.
#hannibal#hannibal s3#hannibal s3e13#hannigram#yes I knew about the ending before I saw it but I didn't realize it was Will who threw them off the cliff FUCK#this whole thing made me cry so hard#his voice on “it's beautiful” broke me#this show changed my brain chemistry idk what to do with myself now#just my thoughts right after watching#not much deep analyzing went into this yet#only AAAAAA and OW#I'm feeling so normal about this#honestly rude to put so many feels into the last 10 minutes of a show /lh
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i hate to make the cr thing sound like a dumb ship war but they canonically had beauregard confess to being in love with her best friend, the party member she was objectively closest to and had the best chemistry with, to whom she was the turning point for her entire major character arc, and then immediately walked it back to pair them up with the characters they flirted with in episode 1 and had no chemistry with. and then spent the rest of the series making arguably lesbiphobic jokes about it.
#NO CHEMISTRY AND IN JESTERS CASE SHE HAS AN ENTIRE ARC ABOUT HOW SHE DIDNT ACTUALLY WANT TO BE WITH#THE GUY THEY PAIRED HER WITH. LIKE SHE HAD A WHOLE ARC LIKE WOW IM PROJECTING ONTO FJORD BECAUSE I WANT A STORYBOOK#ROMANCE BECAUSE ITS WHAT I BELIEVED I NEEDED TO BE A REAL ADULT WITH A FUFILLING LIFE NOT BECAUSE OF ANYTHING ABOUT HIM#AND WHEN HE RETURNED MY ADVANCES I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE I DONT ACTUALLY WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM#I WONDER WHAT THIS COULD POSSIBLY INDICATE ABOUT MYSELF AND HOW I SEE RELATIONSHIPS. HOW DO I FIND WHAT I REALLY WANT. BEAU YOUR MUSCLES#LOOK REALLY GOOD TODAY. BEAU IM SORRY EVERYONE SAYS YOURE MEAN I DONT THINK YOURE MEAN. BEAU YOURE THE ONLY PERSON I FEEL LIKE IM ALLOWED#TO BE MYSELF AROUND BEAU YOU MAKE ME FEEL FREE TO EXPRESS MESSY EMOTIONS THAT SCARE ME BEAU LETS GET MATCHING TATTOOS#and then. wimp.womp shes back with fjord because for some reason weve decided beaujester isnt a viable endgame option :T
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Finishing the Dark Knight and cannot stop laughing: Nolan's ability to finish a movie is like Sting's ability to finish a song.
#it just goes on and on and on with a slow gradual fadeout#it was the same issue in dunkirk#i get it finishing beloved things is so very hard you're like what last bit of preach can i squeeze in here? was it sufficiently hammered i#i have moments of *total* absorption and breathlessness then slammed in the face with this weird stiff dialogue; nolan does *so well* -#-in those mad sequences with next to no dialogue#kidlet has committed to watching the nolan back catalogue with me so expect random nolan commentary for a bit while we mother-son bond#even kid was going 'why are they still talking??? didn't this movie finishhhhh? i wanna watch tmnt'#i am attempting to build myself up to nolan's cm vehicle because it ain't my usual taste#you could parody a nolan film in a skit of a triumphal ending that just doesn't end. i feel like i've seen this before#load blown man you can't stay in there forever#makes movies instead of sex#such a sexless movie the dark knight. like the most physical chemistry was between joker and dent#even batman's weird idolisation of dent was so marble-statue pure of course the man could only live up to it while safely dead#the second-most physical chemistry was between fox and alfred and they don't even share a scene together#'not my diagnosis' what did nolan offer to get cm out of bed for that one
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the lnds audios just shook me to my core... and i'm not even an asmr girlie (like really not) but damn. got a bitch out here barking FR 🐕
#i don't rly remember the mlqc ones bc it's been almost 5 yrs and they were paywalled anyway so#the xav one was cute; then outta curiosity i put in the sylus one bc he's my lowest level to get some pts for him right?#like just to play as im doing my nails and scrolling thru emails or w/e#that movie night castle sylus one? ...... this man rearranging my brain chemistry fr these days.....#jfc .... so much for me being loyal xav girly with a side of raf huh 😭#feels like sylus w a side of xav these days..... it's the luke -> pipeline all over again istg ;;;#i think luka is the only one i didn't hop off at some point... harr almost had me for a bit. levi (black rabbit) might've IF HE HAD A ROUTE#yukimura im not sure if i left for mitsuhide (..yet?) / theo -> arthur? idk#yves/rio -> silvio (/kagari?) ........ i shan't explain myself... i simply dare not#slbp im not even sure anymore but i think i went from yuki to hotaru to kaede/sogo#and stayed absolutely whipped for the latter.. (get you a ninja who can do both.. aye)#anyway wtf was i on about again..?#//#aerin.txt#abt; lads#abt; otome#abt; multi#my post 📫
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why do i care so much about fictional characters jfc
#it's been four days and i'm still so devastated#all the history - the special bond - the buildup - the chemistry - ALL FOR NAUGHT#i don't even have anything else to look forward to or distract myself with which makes it even worse#i'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow and the only rest i will get will be the sedation#then i'll be on sick leave for a week and once again alone with my thoughts with nothing to distract me#feels like my heart is being ripped into shreds
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MOTHERFUCK i did not realize how much those antidepressants made me feel physically psychologically and dare i say spiritually like a peat mummy
literally 2 days off them and i've experienced more joy, lucidity, motivation and general good vibes than i did in the whole 2 months i was on them 😭😭
#now granted i did only sleep for 3 hours#but i felt more refreshed and energized today than i ever did when the pills forced me into 8 hours of pseudo-death a night#MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE IS BACK TO NEVER SHUTTING TF UP#it was practically bones for so long oml#i'm usually annoyingly verbose but i was only able to say like 5 words at a time before i forgot how to end my sentence#yeah i'm prolly gonna lose the rose tinted glasses in a few days when the novelty wears off but for now#it's so nice to feel like myself and not like a lobotomized skinwalker trying to wear my own mannerisms convincingly#(obvsly they help some ppl or they wouldn't be an option to prescribe but GOD they fit my brain chemistry as well as a fork fits an outlet)#<<<<<<I CAN DO THAT AGAIN!!! I MISSED MY STUPID METAPHORS AND MY BAD PUNS AND MY SLIGHTLY OUT OF POCKET JOKES#i was fucking trying but it fundamentally doesn't work if u Try#yoda moment but whatever#yippeee#god did they fucking '''cure''' my ADHD instead of my depression#ok if this is what some ppl's experience of ADHD meds is like then the 'they made me feel like a robot' thing makes a LOT more sense#personally they just make me feel like. yk that one comic abt ADHD with the dog metaphor#yeah amphetamines my beloved let me hold the leash rather than becoming a human dogsled to the whims of my psyche#actually i think i was rather uncharitable to my current dream mask normal pills#i just happened to get mega bitch burnout for 3 months and then spend 2 in the aforementioned peat bog where souls go to die#when not impeded by outside circumstances i think they actually are completely fine#maybe not QUITE as agressively effective as my previous prescription but the ritalin was str8 up harsh#i tried it again for a week and it made my heart beat like it was being powered by a caffienated hamster#but when i used to take it i was already experiencing Real paranoid gerbil anxiety so it just kinda blended in#i only noticed the Severe Health Issue i got bundled as a side effect#and i keep having to remind myself not to go rose-tinted abt how bad it rlly was in retrospect#do i just need to leave a sticky note on my mirror like 'hey dumbass that was NOT a net positive period of ur life'#lexi stfu challenge
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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saw jesper and wylan kissing on my screen with my own two eyes now i need 5278262 business days to recover from this
#my friends I've only read like 1/3 of crooked kingdom and I didn't now if they would have kissed in the book or not#so I'm very surprised#idk they just gave me that funny warm feeling i love it#i also didn't finish the season because I'm afraid of everyone's reactions and i don't know if i want to experience the finale myself#but as a person who only read shadow and bone six of crows and 1/3 of crooked kingdom i feel neutral?#like yeah the crows won't have any logical plot in the s3 at all because there'd be no reason for kidnapping#amd i kinda don't see what they'll do with alina and co next but i feel normal not outraged#aaaaand i kinda like that they included 2 alina books in 1s idk i like the flow#but for the crows it's surely confusing#jey talks#i really consider to finish crooked kingdom first and them finish the season lmaoo#also malina well i felt alright about them in s1 but now.... they're not good with each other and tbh alina has more chemistry with genya#than with mal lol
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In the world of heavy metals, love is denser than hate!
#Poorly drawn SVSSS#SVSSS#luo bingge#luo binghe#ask#Is that right? Two different character tags? I think that is right.#I'm calling myself out with screenshotting the asks with the dates because my full ask box has become a problem I'm determined to solve.#I promise you that if I did not respond to your ask it was because I 1) *really* wanted to hold on to it to make a doodle reply#or 2) really was so touched by the message and got overwhelmed#So expect many year + old asks suddenly gaining a reappearance! I'm going to get to them ALL.#Back to Luo Binghe (both versions). You see...the substance he is made with has a chemical reaction to affection.#Like how a pokemon has multiple paths to evolution depending on it's friendship points or exposure to random stones#so to does he evolve into various forms. I feel like Bingge (Ht) would be a noble gas. Unable to form bonds#I could also see him as a Halogen-type of element! Highly reactive and only truly found in manufactured environments.#And Binghe (Lv) would be an alkaline earth metal (+2). Sturdy. Forms bond better but not freely giving them away.#this is the second time I've related characters to elements - and I am far less familar with Scum Villian so please feel free to chime in.#I could be way off base here and I am very down for someone to talk chemistry and character themes.#Thank you all for the love you have given my silly little LBH. It means a lot to me B*)#Don't...don't look too hard at the lack of mark on his forehead here. I gave up. It's just...hidden behind his bangs.
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:)
#feeling good about this year guys#i was jotting down any future schedule conflicts i’d have this year for work#went to put down my family’s birthdays and realized most of them happen after i leave for school#which obviously i was aware was coming up but it hit! still 8 months to go but i’m so excited#went apartment shopping with the future roomie today!#and i am SO FCKING EXCITED ABOUT THAT PLACE#the location on campus is PERFECT and i’m in a stem community that offers me so many resources i am so excited and lucky#and i just miss my campus so much i can’t wait to get back#i’m applying for labs and scholarships and internships#and it’s hard to keep myself focused on present times i keep forgetting i have a whole semester and a half to go but whatever#classes start next week i’m excited!#i only have 4 this semester. 2 of them are 5 credits but whateve#i made a friend that’s gonna sit with me in one of my classes and i think that’ll be nice#someone to hold me responsible#might add a chemistry major? we’ll see how this sem goes!#feelin happy! well rested eating well drinking water and reading more!#happy new year <3
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friends and enemies are you truly a gay person if you don't see Salman Khan and Nawazuddin Siddiqui hitchhiking across Pakistan with a six-year-old girl to bring her back home to her parents and decide that they are a better ship than the already established one with Kareena Kapoor
#film: bajrangi bhaijaan#bajrangi bhaijaan#local gay watches Bollywood.txt#rn this is literally the only SK film i am watching willingly bc everyone loves it and i'm soft for cute children#+ i can disconnect Pawan from Salman here for some reason and it doesn't feel like i'm gaslighting myself#but the whole burqa scenario with them squabbling over who was going to play the wife is what did this in for me tho i must admit#'oh! i see the gay potential here' is the first thing i thought#and it's a cross-country ship what could be better#Nawazuddin looking like a proud dad falling in love with his future boyfriend every time he turns that camera on#he has such good chemistry with his male co-stars ughhhh#let me sit here and live in this AU OK i don't want to hear anything else
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Writing my first fan fic! It was gonna just be for me, but after finding a severe LACK of any fics of BBC’s Mordred, I decided I might actually share it when I’m happy with it.
Anyway, literally no one asked for it, but here’s the constructive criticism I gave myself while half asleep at 12 am, as well as my friend’s “helpful input”.
#I’ve only been working on this for like…2 months#bbc merlin#mordred#bbc mordred#mordred x reader#they have the kind of chemistry that Merlin and Arthur have#including the banter#I think I’m judging myself a bit too harshly#or maybe not harshly enough#maybe I won’t actually post it so my partner who’s actually a writer won’t see it and feel ashamed at how bad it probably is#writing fics is hard#writing is hard#why did no one tell me#I lied everyone told me#I just didn’t listen#maybe I should just go to sleep
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#its always the fucking chemistry projects that ruin my life#not ready to go back to school ... getting home late & eating the same food everyday & having less free time & hanging out with the same few#people i honestly! don’t even like that much.. zzz i don’t wanna receive my test results either – esp not for math#and i KNOW it gets 100x worse in a college/uni/work environment i think i’m just being a bit of a crybaby but i can’t bring myself to#look forward to anything at all. pass my exams & graduate yay ^__^ -> immediately go back and study some more#then i’ll have to get a job and afhjdkf... maybe i’m thinking too far ahead but it all feels inevitable anyways so does it matter if i am?#i don’t know why i’m struggling so much compared to my peers who don’t see any of this as an issue at all#was i cursed to be sad since primary school#i can’t even talk to anyone about it because my dad [ though he has good intentions ] almost always ends up feeding me a variant of#think about your future Or thats just how student life is. meanwhile my mom will begin a competition of Who Has It Worse?!#my sister has her own stuff going on and my religious aunt will say something along the lines of [ have faith & go with the flow ]#i wish i had someone to confide in but i only ever really have myself i think. it sucks cuz no one seems to get it at all#i know objectively thats probably not true but. ahh i feel so disconnected from everyone#cw negative#cw vent#i didnt intend for this to become a whole thing but i got carried away#💭
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:(
#tongue#i feel so stupid being sad about k leaving#i almost cried when he clocked out bc ge actually made it a point to say goodbye#like we dont even talk outside of work the only time hes messaged me was after he got that weirdo off my back a couple weeks ago#but we have good workplace chemistry and hes the only person whos gone out of his way to greet me when i come in#idk maybe it wouldnt hit so hard if i wasnt so socially isolated all the time#but ive never been upset over a coworker leaving before#like ever#honestly considering transferring to where vivi works bc i hate it here by myself LMAO
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