#mayflybuzz

[mayflyuniverse]

[frantically pushing away storyboarding urge] OH GOD-- STOP-- BRAIN. NO WE CAN’T STORYBOARD ODIN GREMLIN VILLAIN HOURS TO FOB’S ‘CHURCH’ JUST BECAUSE IT PLAYS ON THE PLAYLIST!! WE HAVE PACKING TO DO!!!! WE’RE GOING TO GO SOON!!! STOPPPPPP

[mayflyuniverse]

ya girl did it. Had my first phone interview for a job slated for 2023... I’m really hoping this works out. The interviewer was super nice and GOD,, it’s so hard to find clients who has an emphasis of treating artists as equals in the transaction... Like, most of them tend to treat us like art ATMs and get upset with our prices... 

It’s so nice to hear from them even before I can say anything that they emphasizing paying artists well and they want local talents to flourish too. I did put it out that even if I’m not chosen for this project, I hope they’d consider me for future projects and the interviewer said they definitely will. I really hope this can be my one foot in the local industry aaaa...  i’ve been wanting to do something with Malaysian/SEA companies... i’m so happy. 

[mayflyuniverse]

[mayflyuniverse]

[mayflyuniverse]

Tried signing up for mastodon to check out how it is and. well..  it’s definitely made with more of tech devs and people who are savvy with web tech in mind so it’s a little clunky to navigate for someone who doesn’t have tech-development experience like me.. Also the only server I can join is a predominantly Korean server so it makes navigation twice as slow but i think I’ll keep the account for now. I find having accounts across majorly used platforms beneficial for if you need to jump from site to site. I. mean, nothing’s permanent after all. (Exhibit A is the on-flame twitter fiasco). 

But it’s nice to see friends who’ve been here on and off even before all that :,)) feels a bit like the gang is together again but like....... in a nicer setting? haha.

[mayflyuniverse]

My immune system's a bust lately.. I didn't realise my supplements are running out and I need to conserve my cash for the rest of the year... Not to mention, my body's immediate physiological sync when I'm depressed just does not help... Especially when I'm on my cycle, so I ended up with a terrible migraine and a temperature last night.

I slept for a few hours, but kept waking up bc the housecat kept meowing in the next room (she's okay, she's just a little antsy because she's in heat), but man... it did shot my chance at a good night's sleep.

Ended up getting up for a bit and just tending to emails. But I think I'm going to try and get a few more hours before I get started on my day.

This week is really packed, so hopefully next week, things are a little calmer so I can focus and work... I've been so distracted lately.

[mayflyuniverse]

Trying to tamper that 60+ year old lady in me seeing kids praise a certain anime series for having 'good fight choreo' when it really isn't... it's SO bad by fight choreo standards but not my monkey, not my circus.... let the kids have fun... let themmmm.... have fun.......... UUU..

I hope they watch some actual good fight choreos like old Hong-Kong movies around 70s-90s..... and see what good choreo actually means.. heck or anime that actually uses proper choreo like Kengan Ashura or Kimetsu no Yaiba, or even Sword of the Stranger like pls... don't let this be your standard kids....... they're fooling you with smokes and mirrors.

Like it's visually good, but it's not principally good. nothing wrong with having senseless flashy fights in its own right but if you're talking like choreo? then this ain't it TqT

[mayflyuniverse]

Morninngggg...

It's about 3.40AM here on my end and i just got up. Went to bed at an ungodly early hour (for me at least lol! around 10ish, when i usually sleep at 3-5AM these days). I'm up to do my work!! Last day of the week, so let's get it!

I don't always get to wake up this early (which is honestly my ideal hour), so when I do I get super happy hehe.. it's so calming and I love doing work feeling fresh but also not feeling like I have a bazillion house chores that'll break my concentration in between, since it's too early to have anything done other than work haha.

I got myself a quick breakfast cereal and some water so I'm ready to get some drawing done. Hopefully I can get some progress in so I can nap around lunch hour and then continue with work before going off to mum's house for dinner today. It's weekly family dinner time after all hehe.

I hope you're having a good day if you're seeing this.

[mayflyuniverse]

Speaking about being distracted, Since I used my witch sona art for this blog (since it's darker colours so it fits better) and my old art on my art tumblr, i'm wondering if i should do a new art so I can use it as the side banner for my art tumblr... i totally forgot about updating it and i don't have many new personal art. I don't come in here often except to queue things once in a while after all...

Maybe I'll work on something SLOWLY on the side. I'm tryingn to be good with my work pile (which is honestly overflowing atm 💦) But I find making sure i do something on the side that's personal tends to help me with art burnout... something so I don't lose the joy of illustrating kinda thing..

A bright themed illust of me..... sounds like fun. I don't draw myself often (bc uh.. i'd rather draw my OCs), but it's fun to just let loose once in a while.

[mayflyuniverse]

Y_Y I've got to find ways to cool down when i know someone's trying to rile me up.... some people are definitely like talking to a wall kind, so there's no use in engaging with them but hooo man. That urge to just smack em' across the mouth that I can't get with the internet burns within me.

It's okay, gotta practice my sabar.

[mayflyuniverse]

i feel like i’ve been all over the place emotionally lately... i just want it to settle already. 

like....  I genuinely try to keep out  of everyone’s ways as much as possible. I grew up with people telling me i’m overly-sensitive so I learned to keep my thoughts to myself but I don’t know, it feels like sometimes people use that as an excuse to just demand  everything and anything out  of me.

I can’t react, respond to anything they do that hurts me. When I do, i’m unreasonable. I’m aggressive. but at the same time they never seem concern about what  I think  of things. I’m human too... i get tired too.. 

This is all to say, my big sister and in addition some of my younger siblings have  been  driving me insane. I hate the things they make me feel by being around them.. they’re naturally selfish and they’ve barred any method of communicating, so it leaves the only option of obeying them and not showing any displeasure outright when you do. It feels very dehumanizing... if you do show  even the  slightest bit of exasperation or anger over the compounded mistreatment, they’ll activate their tear glands and my mum will jump to their defense.

which is another sore spot considering i’ve long been unable to cry in front  of others i feel unsafe around. even those i’m close to won’t catch me in tears unless  it’s really pressing. And i can’t help but feel even more disdain and hopelessness being pegged as the villain because i, who can’t do it, was the trigger to someone who could, regardless of how the real situation is.

I cry. but I just don’t feel comfortable exposing myself like that but it doesn’t mean i don’t. doesn’t mean i’m without feelings. sometimes i feel like i’d explode with feelings in fact but... *sigh* it is what it is. Once a designated monster, always the designated monster.

I can’t wait for these siblings to move out or for me to have a chance to just live alone. Though that might only come once  i don’t have my parents with me anymore so it leaves me with a lot of conflict. At least with my parents, even if they  misunderstand me, they’ve  contributed  so much to me that  I’d take that from them. It never comes  from a place of ill-will, no matter how much  it hurts. 

These siblings on the other hand..... *sigh* 

oh  well. 

[mayflyuniverse]

[mayflyuniverse]

[mayflyuniverse]

I just finished my counselling session with my counsellor and omg................. the discovery is both enlightening and also MORTIFYING....

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned here but, as of the start of the year, one of the things I did was seek affordable online counselling. I started off with once a month then at my counsellor’s recommendation, it’s twice a month now. 

It’s been doing me a WORLD of good... i mean the last time I had counselling was literally 10 years ago in uni and ever since, there hasn’t been any counselling / therapy services that’s actually affordable. I mean, mental health awareness (at the time) was still in it’s infancy locally, so i get it. Which is why when I was recommended this service, I didn’t want to put it off despite being nervous, I took the plunge. I could only afford the cheapest base package... but it’s still doing me so much wonders it’s insane.

So far my counsellor has been really kind and understanding. I mean i know. it’s his job, but i still get nervous talking about what bothers me at the risk of murking the situation or being selfish-- or feeling selfish when i talk about how i feel about things. But he’s been very kind and encouraging that i’m starting to feel safe and comfortable enough to delve into topics i’m scared about even..

And unfortunately, one of the things. i realise i keep going back to, (despite both our efforts to divert from), is one of my sister, with whom I have a strained and draining relationship with.

I mean, that much I’m aware and accepting of. Despite our years of conflict, i know and accept this about us and I’ve told myself and others that I’m okay with that. That’s our relationship,  i’ll take. it as it is and make lemonades out of it. 

But from my sessions, it’s becoming more and more apparent that she or her effects on me bothers me a lot more than I care or want to admit. And today, my counsellor pointed this out to be point blank that it just left me like DAMN,,, lmao.

But even more so, he pointed out that perhaps my loss of optimism and genuine positivity that was with me at the start of the year can be attributed to me getting results I want for the first time in an altercation with her and my emotional burnout is a sign that I’m trying to speed up the process so I can get the results I want in a way. 

I didn’t know why but this felt like a bombshell to me lol. I genuinely told him how i felt what he said FELT right even though I can’t articulate it right now. Like he might’ve hit bullseye so i have to go and think about it a little. Hopefully we can unpack that a little at our next session.  

But even more so,  I think I teared up when he assured me that he understands that I love my sister and that he truly understood where I came from because he has a relationship with his sister, similar to me. He assured me that I don’t have to worry about my anxieties with the aftermath when I talk about my sister or having to over-explain and give caveats about how much I do love her, and that I’d still do anything to protect and love her, because he truly understood that. 

I don’t think...  I have ever spoken to anyone who has a sister like mine so that truly. puts. me at ease that i felt like crying. To realise that I’m not.. a bad person for feeling upset over the things she does or just sad and lonely when I’m left to deal with her myself..... it felt so relieving to genuinely not feel alone on this. 

Y_Y it was mortifying though..... to realise that I don’t have much control over myself when it comes to my sister.... that she still has that much influence over my life but i guess its better to learn about this and deal with it than bury my head in the sand. i mean that’s what i wanted counselling for..... bless my counsellor’s soul. I really feel bad with how much I drain him with our sesisonsdkfhsf i genuinely hopes he’s having a good day..

[mayflyuniverse]

[mayflyuniverse]

y’all... February’s been non-stop go-go-go for me... but I think, mayhaps my usual schedule might JUST be returning to me. I swear, the moment I heal from covid, I was immediately thrusted into driving duties since mum had her injury so my schedule has been off-the-hook. Not to mention guests, every... week/weekend... non-stop.... the hermit in me cannot believe she survived these two months with. a good attitude and my sanity intact lmfao. 

But it seems, big changes up ahead and I just wanted to get some things off my chest, so please don’t think much of it and ignore it if possible. this tiny little blog is basically my only space to let out some thoughts without feeling like i’m out of digital space or offending anyone (only because no one follows me here), but here goes--

I’m admittedly, feeling very blue these days. I definitely try to not let it get me down! Sunflowers face the sun even when you can’t see it. It’s been my mantra since December, truth be told and it’s done me WONDERS. 

But there is an underlying sadness that i’m trying to tame, if i’m being honest. And it does eat at my already poor self-esteem.. though I suspect that it’s got more to do with the rapid changes that are happening around me as we speak.

Three of my younger sisters will all be moving out or are looking into moving out permanently within this year or so. Most, if not all are looking into full 9-5 jobs for mroe stable income.. one already has found one so she’s moving out real soon. I’m super proud of them!! as their sister, I want nothing but the best and I’m so happy to see them excited to thrive and try new things out in the world.

Though I have to admit I feel a little left behind as a person in general. As someone who is a full-time freelancer, I know it suits my criteria of life (i.e taking care of my parents, tending to the needs of the family so that the rest can do their thing, my leupus projects etc), and not having money all the time doesn’t bother me. If anything, the older I get, the more I have a bit of a disdain at how capitalistic everything has become.. Money has it’s uses, don’t get me wrong. I definitely want to have a comfortable living wage of some sort so that if I find my family or myself in need of things like medical aid or anything like that, I’d like to be able to shell out the amount needed and provide.

But no, it’s not the money aspect. Rather I find myself thinking “I wonder if my sisters and friends think of me as a loser for being a freelancer?” 

I don’t let peer pressure or outside judgement affect me much. But I think that’s because people who I don’t care for don’t really matter to me but the ones that I do care for and I think know me well, I’d like to at least make a good impression you know? If this makes any sense.

And maybe it’s just everyone transitioning into their full time jobs in the workforce makes me wonder if secretly all this time, they just think i’m a stinking loser and they’re just putting up with me haha. It’s a sad thought, coupled with how I feel like I’m slowly being left behind on the track whilst everyone else moves on does leave me feeling lonely. 

But I guess, all things considered, it’s just how things are to be and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m genuinely happy for those who I deem to be under my care and charge spread their wings and go out to make who they are in the world. It’s not like I’d never see them again, it’ll just be different. I hope this sadness, meanwhile, passes so I can go back to simply working on my craft and tending to those who are still with me at the moment. Maybe when all of them end up being strong enough to have their own life, i’ll finally be able to focus on mine. Maybe even get a quiet vacation by myself or something haha. we’ll see.

But yeah, i just want to get that off my chest. I know it’s just self-induced paranoia with no basis but I dno’t think highly of myself so I find a hard time believing anyone else, even if they love me, would think any different. But I’ll be okay. I always do.