#maybe we’d have a bigger funeral for dean

[purgaytorysupremacy]

all the things we hated about it is still there (except maybe cas would be too) (and kansas)

Genuinely forever wondering what happened on the supernatural finale in the parallel timeline where there wasn't covid

[fanaticalthings]

A Cry at the Final Breath

AO3 Link

Warning: Destiel Angst. Like a lot.

——

This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was just a simple vampire case. This shouldn’t be happening at all.

Dean’s surroundings flicker in and out of existence as the blood rushes in his ears. All he can think about is Sam. Sam.

His brother is spasming in his arms and Dean can’t do anything about it. There’s so much blood. God, there’s so much. Dean’s hasty bandage job isn’t gonna cut it. His hands are stained red, and whenever Dean looks over to Sam’s face, the eyes staring back barely display a lick of recognition. 

“Stay with me, Sam!” Dean gives him a good shake, hoping that the eyes that fall in and out of focus will show some semblance of understanding.

“It’s gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay, little brother,” Dean reassures, but to whom, he doesn’t know.

Dean doesn’t notice it, but his face is wet, and he wouldn’t have known had his tears not dampened his brother’s flannel. He’s barely keeping it together. Whenever Dean tries to keep the blood from flowing, his hands come away red.

His heart drops when Sam stops struggling– his body limp in Dean’s arms. His hands start shaking as he reaches for Sam’s wrist, looking for a pulse.

Dean’s hands come up to Sam’s face, and he drops his forehead on top of his brother’s.

“Goddamnit. Don’t do this to me, Sammy.”

Dean’s starting to panic now, and he can’t stop it. His brother’s eyes aren’t opening, and he can’t feel a pulse.

He starts praying. He’s desperate. He can’t let his baby brother die. Not now. Not when he still has a life to live. He knows that no God up there is listening to him, but right now he doesn’t care.

For a moment, Dean thinks of calling Cas, but the thought leaves as soon as it had come. Logically, he knows Cas might not be able to help at all. Hell, he could barely even heal a scratch now. Dean knows deep down that he can’t do anything.

Dean doesn’t know how long he sits there. His legs start to feel sore, but he barely pays any attention to anything else that goes on. He doesn’t even lift his head when he hears the familiar growl of the Impala’s engine. He can hear footsteps approaching, and a lingering presence over him. Without looking, he already knows who it is.

“Dean-”

“Heal him! You can do it, right? You can fix him, right, Cas?” Dean is frantic and doesn’t even let Cas speak a single sentence before he’s desperately pulling at the sleeves of his trench coat. Dean’s not even thinking properly anymore. 

“Please,” Dean whispers.

Blue eyes meet green. Dean can see the guilt hidden behind those eyes, but he ignores it. He’s hanging on by a thread, hoping that it isn’t too late.

Cas hesitantly bends down to press two fingers to Sam’s forehead, but nothing happens.

When Cas crouches down lower, Dean expects him to try it again, but instead, he puts his arms under Sam and lifts him. He looks up at Dean, and he can see it in those blue eyes– there’s nothing he can do. 

A wet laugh wracks through Dean, giving him a full-body shudder. Cas looks like he’s about to cry, but Dean doesn’t care. He can’t look at him right now. He just grabs Sam’s lifeless body and cradles him.

He sits like this for a while and imagines that harrowing November years ago when he carried his baby brother out of the house fire. Back then, he carried a new life out of harm’s way. Now, years later, he was clutching the limp corpse of his brother in his arms.

This was not fair. This shouldn’t have fucking happened. If it was Dean, fine, whatever, but not Sam. Sam didn’t deserve this.

When Cas gently pries Sam out of Dean’s arms, he’s so numb that he doesn’t even fight back. He just lets Cas carry Sam away.

Cas starts to walk towards the Impala with Sam’s body carried bridal style. Dean’s still on his knees on the ground. He doesn’t want to get up. He doesn’t want to do anything. He feels so defeated.

He’s still staring blankly at the dirt on the ground even when Cas returns to urge Dean into the car.

He feels a warm hand on his shoulder, and normally this would ground him– make him feel better, but now it only deepens the gaping chasm he feels in his chest.

“Dean, we should go now,” Cas says softly.

He speaks as if he’s afraid that Dean will suddenly put a gun to his head.

Dean wants to respond in anger. He wants to lash out at Cas and scream. It’s the only thing he knows how to do when faced with grief, but for once in his pathetic life, he feels the fight leave him.

The sky had darkened a considerable amount since Cas had gotten here and it’s starting to get a little chilly, but Dean can barely feel any of it.

“How did you even find us?” Dean grits out. He can still feel Cas’s eyes on his back. A part of him even wants to blame Cas, but Dean stays quiet.

“I felt it,” Cas responds. “Your anguish. I left immediately when I felt you were in danger.”

Somehow this makes Dean feel even worse. He doesn’t respond.

“I heard your prayer. It helped me find where you were.” Cas pauses. “As did your longing.”

Dean doesn’t bother asking him what that even means. He just continues staring at that same patch of dirt near his knees.

Cas crouches in front of him, but Dean doesn’t meet his eyes.

“Please, Dean. We should head back now. You’ll catch a cold if you stay out here any longer.”

Under any other circumstances, Dean would’ve retorted back and told Cas that he didn’t need to be babied, but he can’t find it in him to fuss about it, so he stands up numbly, and walks towards the Impala.

Once Dean gets in, he chances a glance at the back seats. Sam’s body is covered by a sheet strewn over him neatly. Dean thinks it’s probably for the best that he can’t see his brother’s face.

Once Cas climbs onto the passenger seat, Dean starts the car without a word. It stays like that for the rest of the ride with Cas staring worriedly at Dean the whole way home.

——-

The next few weeks pass by in a blur. Dean rarely leaves the bunker after Sam’s funeral.

Bobby, Jody and even Claire visit him in an attempt to get him to talk, to look at them, to do anything that isn’t wallowing in sorrow. 

The empty beer bottles grow in numbers every day, and with each one, the hole inside Dean grows a little bigger.

It still feels a little surreal to Dean. Even now, he sometimes expects to see Sam walking through the Bunker’s entrance. 

Death’s always seemed like a faraway illusion to them, he’d think that by now he would’ve gotten used to it. 

Sometimes at night, when Dean would have downed at least five bottles of beer, he’ll hear a noise and immediately bolt up. He’s foolish to believe it could be Sam, but he hopes anyway. 

It’s never Sam.

Cas is always there. Maybe not right next to Dean, but he’s always lurking. On many occasions, he’ll stand outside Dean’s room and just listen. 

He’s never felt more useless until now– a wingless angel incapable of even healing a stab wound. He suspects that by the end of the year, it’ll be a miracle if he can even power a lightbulb.

He builds a little grave for Sam while Dean is still grieving. It’s the least he can do right now and he thinks he chose a nice spot. It’s near a lake under a maple tree. It’s a beautiful sight.

Dean never visits it.

——

When Dean finally leaves his room, it’s to go on another case. He holds himself differently now– like a broken shell of a man operating on autopilot. Those once vibrant eyes that Castiel always longingly gazed into were now dull and empty. It shakes something in his vessel. Like a bird unable to escape from its cage and take flight.

Castiel is afraid. He’s afraid that Dean will do something reckless in his current state. And without his ability to heal like before, he’s afraid that Dean will get himself gravely injured and he won’t be able to help him.

When Dean finishes packing his duffel bag, he abruptly turns around and looks at Castiel for the first time in a while.

“You comin’ on this one?” Dean says. His voice is hoarse, and he sounds more tired than determined.

“Of course, Dean,” Castiel starts, ”but-”

“Good. Then let’s go,” Dean huffs before turning to walk up the stairs.

Castiel watches as he walks out the door before he follows suit. With Dean the way he is, Castiel can’t afford to leave him alone now.

Ever since Sam’s death, Castiel watches Dean like a hawk. Even when the older Winchester locks himself in his room, Castiel always makes sure he can still reach him if anything were to happen

He’s already lost one Winchester, he can’t lose the other.

��—

Castiel was certainly right to be cautious. Immediately into the first fight, Dean charges in headfirst without any warning or plan. 

If Castiel were human, he would’ve felt his heart jump 15ft. But instead, he rushes forward, angel blade in hand to make sure no harm comes to Dean.

It’s a quick fight. The Djinns were vastly weaker and more disorganized than the usual monsters they’d had to face, but it still doesn’t ease Castiel’s nerves.

That night, when they return to the bunker, Castiel grabs Dean’s wrist before he has the chance to bolt into his room.

“What were you thinking?” Cas stresses. Dean doesn’t even bother to look him in the eyes.

“Obviously, I was doing the job,” Dean snaps back.

Nowadays, his patience is always worn thin, and whenever Castiel tries to talk to Dean, he feels like he’s walking on eggshells.

“And what if you’d gotten hurt? What if we’d miscalculated and there were more monsters than we’d anticipated?” He’s speaking to Dean like a mother would her child after causing trouble.

Dean finally looks up and stares Castiel down. The look he gives him is not heartwarming. It does not make his heart flutter, but instead, makes Castiel unfathomably sad.

The man staring back at him is broken and defeated. The once bright soul that Castiel had touched– had cradled in his grasp, was now a distant memory.

“That would’ve my problem to deal with,” Dean mutters back. “and if you don’t like it, then don’t come with me next time.”

Immediately, he turns to walk away.

Castiel doesn’t stop him.

There’s a faint ache in his chest when he hears the distanced click of Dean’s lock.

——

Castiel is visiting Sam’s grave when he feels it. Something is wrong, and he just knows. 

Immediately, he rushes back to the bunker to find Dean’s belongings thrown all over the place, as if he’d been in a fight. But when Castiel opens the door to his room, he sees Dean propped against the wall sporting ugly wounds.

Already, Castiel is at his side. Worry spikes throughout his mind as he inspects the injuries inflicted. 

There’s blood seeping through Dean’s shirt, and Castiel can see the nasty gash near Dean’s hip.

Before Castiel can reach forward to stanch the bleeding, Dean flinches away and swats Castiel’s hand from near his wound.

“Don’t,” Dean starts. He’s looking at Castiel menacingly as if warning him to back off. “Just leave me alone.”

“Dean,” Castiel pleads, but Dean is already turning away.

Castiel catches Dean’s hand before he’s fully out of reach.

“Please,” he begs. His eyes convey an infinite amount of sadness, and he wills for Dean to look at him– to give him a sign that the man he pulled out of hell is still there. “Don’t push me away. Let me help you. Please, Dean.”

Dean reluctantly lifts his head and meets Castiel’s eyes. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and Castiel can feel his heart swell at this small action.

Dean’s let’s out a sigh of resignation. It’s the closest thing Castiel is going to get to an agreement.

He gently grasps Dean’s hands and guides him towards the bed.

Once Dean is seated and shows no signs of getting up, Castiel leaves to get a washcloth and the first aid kit.

When he returns, Dean is still seated at the edge of the bed, looking down at his bloodstained hands.

Castiel begins cleaning the blood off of Dean’s face with the wet cloth. Dean has gone back to avoiding Castiel’s gaze, he forces himself not to feel hurt by it.

Castiel tries to be as gentle as possible, fingers fluttering softly over cuts and bruises. His fingers hover over Dean’s cheek longer than he should. Castiel wants to heal him. He wants to press his fingers into Dean’s skin and make it all better within a blink of an eye. But he can’t, and Castiel’s heart clenches at the thought.

Dean is looking at him now, but he looks wary. Castiel holds his gaze and stares longingly into those all too familiar green eyes. It makes him remember the early days– when every time he came to Dean, he could see his soul resonating throughout the universe. He could recognize this man anywhere without hesitation– this beautiful human that he rebuilt piece by piece in hell.

Castiel bends down to clean the wound on Dean’s side. He gently yanks his shirt over his head and tosses it to the side. He can see the blood splattered all over Dean like a canvas.

As he starts to scrub away at the wounds, Castiel holds back a choke at the back of his throat.

“Why are you doing this?” He whispers. Dean doesn’t answer him– just looks away angrily.

“Why are you hurting yourself?” Castiel continues. His voice is pleading and desperate. The silence stretches on.

It’s so quiet that Castiel can hear water droplets leaking from the nearby sink. Dean still doesn’t answer, and Castiel can feel his heart sink.

His fingers work deftly as he stitches and bandages the injury. There is little protest on Dean’s part, just the occasional grunt or wince whenever Castiel makes contact with the wound.

When he’s fully finished, Castiel looks up to see Dean staring down at him. He hasn’t said a single word so far, but Castiel feels something stir inside him.,

Castiel’s hands come up to Dean’s face– gingerly cupping him. He can see the anguish within the lines on his face, Castiel wants to make them go away.

Slowly, very slowly, Castiel bends down to place his lips on Dean’s. He can feel Dean flinch from underneath him, but he doesn’t pull away. The kiss is soft and passionate. Months of sorrow slip through the cracks in an instant from this one intimate gesture. Castiel can feel his dimming grace exploding within his vessel, sensations tingling throughout his entire body. It feels amazing as if he were a fully powered angel again, but it’s over too soon.

When Dean pulls away, it’s to look down at his hands again. There’s an indescribable look on his face as if he’s contemplating what had just happened.

Reluctantly, Castiel walks away to grab Dean some fresh clothes. He tosses him a faded AC/DC shirt, which Dean immediately slips into.

Without another word, Dean lies down onto his bed with his back facing Castiel. 

“Thanks,” Dean mumbles under his breath. 

Castiel can see that Dean is tense from where he’s standing. He slowly begins to shuffle closer to the bed, feeling the need to fill the heavy silence.

When the bed dips under Castiel’s weight, Dean does not move away; He takes this as an invitation to stay. Castiel remains seated at his side and brings a hand up to Dean’s shoulder– the exact place where his mark used to be when Castiel rebuilt him.

“Please,” Castiel says. It seems like please is all he can say to Dean now. How long it has been since they had last had a normal conversation, he does not know. “Talk to me, Dean.”

Castiel yearns for that sense of normalcy again. He craves those nightly conversations, the needless movie nights and the peaceful car rides that he had once shared with Dean. He does not want things to stay like this. But deep down, Castiel knows that a part of Dean Winchester died alongside his brother, buried far below the surface, never to be seen again. 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Dean grunts and that seems to be the end of it.

Despite this, Castiel continues talking. If Dean will not speak to him, then he will fill the silence with his own thoughts instead.

“You shouldn’t have gone out alone,” he chastises. Castiel knows that Dean does not want to hear this nor will he listen to him, but Castiel feels the need to say this anyway. 

“Please don’t do this to yourself, you mean too much to me,” Castiel whispers. He’s lying down next to Dean now– his back to Castiel’s chest. 

“Sam wouldn’t have wanted this.”

At the mention of his brother, Dean’s breath hitches. He turns around abruptly, facing Castiel with blazing fury.

“Don’t you dare say that,” Dean seethes through clenched teeth. “We all know it should’ve been me. Sammy didn’t deserve any of this crap and you know it!”

The ache in Castiel’s chest returns, and without thinking, he wraps his arms around Dean.

“Don’t say that,” Castiel says under his breath. “Please don’t say that.”

Dean doesn’t push him away.

“All I had to do was protect him. I had one job and I couldn’t even do it!” Dean is shaking now, from rage or sadness, Castiel does not know, but he pulls him closer to his chest regardless.

Castiel does not know what else to say, so he just embraces Dean as the shaking subsides.

“I’m just tired, Cas,” Dean relents. His face no longer conveys anger, but instead shows exhaustion.

“I know,” Castiel murmurs. “You should get some rest.”

Dean does not say anything else after that.

They spend the rest of the night like this, tight in each other’s embrace.

When Castiel wakes in the morning, the space beside him is cold.

——

The next few months pass by no differently. If anything, Dean has gotten worse– he sleeps less, drinks more. Castiel does not know how to help him.

He accompanies Dean on as many cases as he can, afraid that if he looks away for too long, Dean will disappear before Castiel can get to him.

It gets to the point where Dean starts to get irritated, snapping at Castiel when he’s hovering around too much, or running off recklessly when he feels too suffocated.

He tells Castiel to lay off him, and to stop constantly following him like a duckling. Castiel reluctantly obeys.

They never talk about the kiss. Dean acts as if nothing had even happened, and Castiel had resigned himself to rarely initiating any more intimate touches. It hurts him inside, but if it makes Dean less uncomfortable, Castiel is willing to oblige.

Nowadays, Castiel tries to give Dean a reasonable amount of space. He’s read somewhere in a self-care book that people need to be alone at times when grieving to heal themselves on their own. So Castiel stays back on a couple of cases in hopes that eventually Dean will open up to him.

——

It does not get better. It seems now that the gaping chasm between Castiel and Dean has only grown larger. The lasting effects of Sam’s death linger like a skunk’s stench. Castiel doesn’t know what to do at this point, but he still hopes.

When Dean returns from his most recent hunt, Castiel immediately approaches him. The dark circles under Dean’s eyes are more visible than ever now.

“Sit with me?” Castiel asks. He’d already taken out two glasses of whiskey in hopes of making Dean stay.

Dean almost doesn’t acknowledge him. Almost.

There’s still a deep-rooted affection in Dean’s eyes whenever he looks at Castiel. It may be faded and barely noticeable, but it’s there.

Dean slowly sits down next to Castiel and brings the glass to his lips to take a long sip. The kitchen is mostly quiet save for the drinking on Dean’s part. Castiel just watches him. Dean looks more burdened like this. The lines in his features seem to form a constant scowl on Dean’s face more often now.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Castiel breaks the silence. He can hear Dean swallow abruptly. “There was nothing you could have done, Dean.”

Castiel wants to drill it into Dean’s head that he shouldn’t have to carry this pain alone.

“So please, stop doing this to yourself,” Castiel brushes his hand over Dean’s.

There’s still a fire in those green eyes staring back, but the flames don’t appear to be as vicious as before.

“I wish I could take the pain away,” Castiel begins, “but I can’t, so let me in. You don’t have to go through this by yourself, Dean.”

Dean looks away now. Castiel can see him gritting his teeth, and for a second, he’s afraid his words will have meant nothing, but Dean reluctantly turns his head back and stares into Castiel’s eyes.

“Ok,” Dean relents. He sounds tired, but there’s a small acceptance in the way Dean says it.

Castiel smiles. He can see the corners of Dean’s mouth quirk up slightly as well.

For the first time in forever, it feels as though everything will be alright.

——

They slowly start to slip back into their old routine. One day Castiel suggests they have a movie night just like before. Dean begrudgingly agrees. It’s not much, but they’re getting there.

As the images of Tombstone flash across the screen, Castiel finds that he can’t help but stare at Dean the entire time. His features have softened slightly and it calms Castiel to know that Dean does not seem as upset as before.

They sit together on the couch, but neither of them talks. Surprisingly though, this feels fine. Castiel hardly pays any mind to the movie, and he suspects the same goes for Dean. Castiel risks a small scoot closer. Dean doesn’t notice, or if he does, he doesn’t react. Their shoulders are touching now, but it feels right. Castiel had rarely gotten the chance to be around Dean this past month and he intends on changing that.

Even after the movie has ended they don’t move. Dean is staring down at his hands again and Castiel is starting to suspect that something must be bothering him.

“I can’t get it out of my head, man,” Dean grimaces. 

Castiel stares down at where Dean is looking. His hands seem fine, and Castiel hadn’t noticed any injuries, so he stares confusedly back at Dean.

‘What?” Castiel asks. He feels the need to embrace Dean again, but he’s almost certain the action would not be met with a positive response at the moment.

“His blood.” Dean looks up at Castiel. “Sammy’s blood,” he reiterates.

Castiel remains silent. He feels guilty that he doesn’t know how to respond, so he just leans in closer to place a hand on Dean’s shoulder. He can feel some of the tension start to dissipate from Dean’s body. He hopes that this simple gesture will show Dean that Castiel is here for him.

They return back to their comfortable silence, only now Dean is leaning much closer to Castiel. 

After a moment, they talk. Not about Sam, but of small things– like how the price of beer increased recently, or how the Impala could use a wash soon. It’s mostly to fill the quiet of the bunker or to distract Dean from other darker thoughts, but it feels nice. When Castiel doesn’t understand a reference Dean remarks, it earns him a small chuckle out of Dean. It makes Castiel feel warm inside– to be slipping back into their old habits.

They stay like this until morning.

——

Things start to get better, Castiel thinks. The bottles of beer start to decrease drastically, and he notices that Dean does not feel as inclined to rush recklessly into battle every other day.

Dean still rarely smiles, but Castiel hopes that will change with a little more time.

Everything feels more complete with each day that passes that Castiel begins to lower his guard.

For the first time since Sam’s death, Dean goes to visit his grave. He chooses to go alone, which Castiel understands.

When Dean doesn’t return for some time, Castiel starts to worry. He tries to reason with himself that Dean is still grieving and has probably chosen to be left alone to his thoughts, but Castiel cannot shake the feeling that something is wrong.

He calls Dean multiple times, texts him, and even asks Bobby or Jody to try to get ahold of him, but to no avail. Without thinking, Castiel grabs the keys to the spare car and exits the bunker.

Logically, he should calm down and wait for Dean to come back. He always does. But something in Castiel sits uncomfortably, and uncertainty swims in his gut.

As soon as he’s driving Castiel can feel his heart rate pick up and he starts to run scenarios in his head. Dean was getting better, this couldn’t have been happening now, things were returning back to normal.

Castiel internally blames himself. If he were still a fully powered angel he could fly over to Dean in an instant and heal him of any harm.

Now, more human than ever, Castiel can feel the sweat collecting at his forehead, he can feel the underlying fear rolling around in his head. He isn’t even certain he knows where Dean is– if he was even at Sam’s resting place, but somehow, Castiel knows. He just knows where Dean will be, and the thought of it makes his guts churn in dread.

He drives faster. He has little regard for his surroundings, he can only pray that Dean will be okay– that he’ll just be sitting in the Impala enjoying some of his cassettes, losing track of time. Castiel knows this is a foolish thought.

In the distance, Castiel can see a barn coming into view. The barn where Sam died.

As Castiel draws near, sure enough, he can see the Impala parked onto the side.

As soon as Castiel reaches the entrance, he swings open the car door without a second thought and bolts towards the opening of the barn.

He can smell blood mixed with animal droppings and the overall musty odour the barn emits.

With angel blade in hand, Castiel walks through the darkened rooms.

The barn is crumbling from years of abandonment. There are feces scattered about, and broken glass strewn all over the place, Castiel can even see the bodies of vampires littered throughout the confines of the compass, but none of that catches his attention.

It’s so dark that Castiel almost misses him– the crumpled form of Dean Winchester lying at the side of the wall.

Castiel’s heart drops as he races towards Dean.

There’s so much blood, and Castiel can barely feel anything as the adrenaline kicks in.

He turns Dean over and is met with a pained groan.

There is a knife wound right in the middle of Dean’s chest, and Castiel sees his fears flashing to life.

“Cas?” Dean croaks.

It’s said so quietly and weakly that it scares Castiel.

Castiel is already trying to stanch the bleeding. He presses two fingers to Dean’s forehead and prays so desperately that his grace will flow out and heal him. But nothing happens.

Castiel doesn’t realize he’s shaking violently until Dean’s hand comes up to grasp at his trench coat. As Castiel gazes into Dean’s eyes, he sees acceptance. He sees the man lying before him giving up. Castiel holds back tears.

“Why would you do this?” Castiel whispers. His voice comes out shaky and broken. He’s trying so hard not to come apart.

“Had to…teach those bastards…a lesson,” Dean huffs out. His breathing is ragged and there’s more blood pooling underneath him. Castiel can tell that he’s barely holding on.

Dean’s eyes roll in and out of his head as if he’s trying to stay awake. He looks up at Castiel and offers a small smile.

“I’ll get…to see Sammy..soon.” Dean coughs and sputters and more blood comes out every time he moves.

Castiel can’t stop them now. The tears come bursting through the dam at the sound of those words. He’s rarely ever cried before but now he can’t help it. Had he not been enough? Had he not done something right? He had thought Dean was getting better, he thought he was helping him.

Castiel is practically hyperventilating now. His chest aches so much that it’s all he feels now. Had this been what Dean had felt?

He can feel a hand resting on his cheek and Castiel looks back down at Dean. He suddenly looks so sad. That previous triumph and acceptance long faded from his eyes.

“Don’t cry,” Dean whispers. It’s so hard to hear him that Castiel has to lean further down. “I’m sorry.”

Castiel is crying more now. He feels so small at this very moment– so helpless and pathetic. It’s hard to believe that he was once an all-powerful being capable of mass destruction.

“I’m sorry you had to deal….with me….You didn’t deserve….any of this.“ 

Castiel clutches Dean tighter at this.

“Don’t ever say that!” Castiel tries to shout, but it comes out barely comprehensible and strangled. “If I had the chance to do this over again, I’d choose you. It was always you. You taught me what it meant to be human.”

Castiel can’t find his breath as he speaks, but he has to say more, he has so many more things he would like to tell Dean– things he needs to tell him.

“You taught me what it was like to feel love,” he murmurs into Dean’s ear.

Castiel can hear Dean scoff at that. Even bleeding to death, Dean still has the energy to retort back.

“I bet… I was a pretty…crap teacher,” Dean lets out a small chuckle. Castiel drops his head onto Dean’s chest. He can hear the weakened ba-dump of Dean’s heart starting to slow.

He wanted to do so much more with Dean– watch terribly written movies, go out to bars and get drunk, drive around in the Impala. Castiel had hoped he would get to experience more of humanity with Dean at his side, but with every second that passes, that dream seemed to flicker like a candle’s dying flame.

As Dean’s breaths start to slow, Castiel continues to hold him close. Castiel hopes that somewhere, in another universe, he’d be living out his happy ending alongside the Winchesters– alongside Dean.

“I love you,” Castiel whispers softly into Dean’s shirt. “Please don’t go.”

Even after Dean’s body slackens in his grip, Castiel stays like this for a little while longer, holding the man he gave up everything for.

At the final breath, all Castiel can do is cry.

[dumbbitchenergy17]

I’m Sorry (Part 2)

Summary- You are Michael’s vessel as you are dean’s kid and letting him use you instead of your dad

Dean x daughter!reader

Word count- 3,630

No One’s POV

“Is this...Are you real?” Jack questioned

Holding out his arms as if to gesture to himself “Always.”

“Sam said you're dead. He said Michael killed you.”

Lucifer shrugged “Yeah, I don't like to speak ill of people, but Sam is a big fat liar and he's a bad person and... like, freakishly tall, so,

“I-I don't understand?” Jack questioned

“No, Michael didn't...Sam was the one who left me behind.” Lucifer said acting innocent “What?” Jack said

“Yep.” Lucifer walks closer to Jack to face him “I mean, I think he thought I'd be trapped over there in "Giant Litter Box World" forever, 'cause that worked so well the first time. I don't blame him, though, okay? I mean...for everything that I've done to him, I think, uh, I had it coming, you know? But you know what? I'm moving on.” He explained

Jack responded, “But if the rift is closed, then how are you here?”

“Oh, no. Not ‘how.’ ‘Why.’ I'm here for you, Jack. Because, you know, even though the Three Amigos -- Sam, Dean, Castiel, and Dean’s little spawn -- won't admit it, you need me. You do, 'cause we're blood. And we're not human, no matter how much we pretend to be. See, humans are...limited and fragile. And I'll admit, they bring out the worst in me, I gotta say. It seems like, you know, no matter how much you try to do right around them, something always goes wrong. Follow?” Lucifer sighed

“I ...I know.” Jack frowned Y/n was his friend and she was gone.

Lucifer smiled “Right? And that's not their fault, or ours. It's just, us and humans, we're like oil and water. You know, sardines and strawberries. It's just a bad combination.”

“What do we do?” He pondered

“Leave,” He smiled Lucifer turns from Jack and looks towards the sky, “I mean...there's a whole universe out there, buddy. Planets. Stars. Galaxies. Why should we stay here on Earth when we can go anywhere else? Heck, everywhere else.”

Jack smiled “Like, um, like Star Wars?”

Lucifer turns to Jack excitedly “Exactly like Star Wars. You want a lightsaber? I can make you a lightsaber. Heck, I can make you a Wookiee.”

“But...no. Sam, Dean, and Castiel, they'll miss me.” he frowns

Lucifer placing his hand on Jack's shoulder “Yes, they will. They will. It'll be hard. But you have to live your life for you. Right? This is our second chance, kiddo. This is our opportunity to escape our past and our sins and start over. What do you say? Father, son. You up for an adventure, buddy?”

Jack nodded “I...I'd like that. But there's something you need to do first.”

Back at the Bunker 

“Talked to the other refugees. No one's got any idea who'd wanna hurt Y/n.” Bobby said scratching his beard

“Maybe it wasn't one of them. Maybe...there are monsters in this world that aren't monsters.” Mary said

Jack and Lucifer came down the stair “Jack! Hey --” she began

lucifer sent a small wave “Hey.”

“Kid, what the Sam Hell?” Bobby jaw dropped seeing Satan back

Jack held his hands up “It's all right, okay? He's here to help.”

“He is.” bobby said skeptically Lucifer walking with Jack past Bobby “You know it, Longmire.”

“Call Sam. Now.” Mary said to Bobby

Lucifer and Jack walk into the main room in the bunker. Y/n is lying on the map table. She has been cleaned up and is covered with a sheet up to her neck. Mary follows them into the room. “Hmm. So you're leaving dead bodies on tables now. Nice.” Lucifer smirked

“We were waiting, to give her a Hunter's funeral,” Mary said

“You won't have to. My father, he's gonna bring Y/n back to life.”

“I am?” he said shocked

Mary grabbed Jack’s arm “Jack, what are you doing?”

“What I have to. This...it's my second chance to prove to Dean I’m good.”

Lucifer clapped his hands ‘Yeah, uh, Jack, about this, uh, resurrection stuff -- It's not always a great idea because, uh... you know, people come back...different.”

“Well, Sam didn't,” Jack replied

“Right. Well, Sam's always been...sort of different. You know what I mean? Some would say ‘special.’, lucifer looked over at Mary “No offense.”

“You said you'd do anything.” Jack presses

Lucifer grudgingly walked over to Y/n “Fine. Fine.” He places a hand on Y/n's forehead

Mary leans over to Jack “Has he done something to you?”

“I heard that. Heard it.” Lucifer said annoyed

“Mary, everything's gonna be fine.” Jack placed a hand on her shoulder

“Okay,” Lucifer says Lucifer's eyes glow red. He pulls his hand away quickly and Y/n sits up, gasping. Sam, Dean, and Castiel come rushing through the door on the upper level.

“Jack? Jack!” Sam yells

Dean not caring for Jack staring at his daughter looking at him “y/n.” his voice cracking tears filling his eyes.

“Dad?” She said

----------------

Y/n’s POV

Uncle Sam, Dad, Castiel, Mary, and Bobby sat are around the map table in the bunker “How did Michael and Lucifer both get here? How did they open a rift?” Sam runs his hand through his hair

“You know what? It doesn't -- We -- we've gotta find Jack before Michael does whatever the hell he's gonna do, okay? I-I'll call Jody and everybody else.” Dean says grabbing his phone

Bobby grabbed his arm “You're gonna put out an APB on the Devil?”

“Yeah, I am.” Dean snaps back passing by you not giving you a single look

“I'll check angel radio,” Cas states to no one

“Sam, even if we find Lucifer, how we gonna stop him?” Mary asks

Hearing footsteps heading to you as you just stare at the wall “Y/n? Hey, sorry. You okay?” Sam asks grabbing your hand

“I'm alive, so... yes? One second I'm with my family and then everything dark and I’m in heaven.” You sighed

“Listen, I-I know this is weird -- so...weird -- but, um, before you...died, do you remember anything about the person that killed you?”

“Does it matter? Kinda seems like you have bigger, you know, Satan-y problems. and Michael here”

“Yeah, but -- but we're -- we're dealing with those. Mostly. Um...But yes, it does matter. It matters to me. and your dad.” Sam says rubbing his hand up and down your back

“I... I never saw his face, but, uh... I saw his eyes.” you said Sam nodded about to continue when your dad walks in “All right, Jody's lookin'. So far, Nada.” he frowns

Cas sits down as well “Yeah, angel radio is nothing but static, which is disturbing.” Dean sighs “Great. Well, we'll just add that to the list.”

“So what do we do now?” Mary asks A loud banging sound and the lights begin to flicker “What’s happening.” You ask your dad coming to your side.

Sam looks at the door to the outside world beginning to shake.

“oh god.”

“What the hell is that,” Bobby yells as the alarms blare

“Mom, Bobby take Y/n and get her out her go through the garage,” Sam says as the banging gets louder and the door shakes

Mary grabs your arm “We’ll buy you time.” Dean says 

“Dad no I won’t leave you!” You yell as mary begins to pull you with Bobby “Go Y/n.” Dean tells you “Dad no. no.” you yell out as you’re pulled out the room.

“Come Y/n we have to go.” mary tells you as tears stream down your face as you yell for your dad. 

Pulling your arm free from her you start sprinting towards your dad as Mary yells your name. Entering the room you see Cas thrown across the room and sam on the ground your dad in a chokehold in Michael's grip.

“Dad!” you yell getting everyone attention 

“Ah the youngest Winchester Y/n pleasure seeing you again.” Michael smirks tighten his grip on Dean

“let him go.” you yell at him 

“Y/n get out of here.” Your dad gasps for air struggling to free himself.

“Dean Winchester will be the first life that I take in this world, the first soul I save. Some would consider that an honor.” He smirks at you flicking his wrist sending you to hit the pole falling on the ground groaning in pain. “y/N! Y/N” Dean yells struggling in his grip

“Well, as Shakespeare once said, eat me, dickbag.” He growls out

Michael smiles and tightens his grip even more. Dean is struggling to breathe. Behind them, Sam is on his hands and knees “Jack, Jack. Jack, I don't know where you are, and I don't even know if you can hear this prayer, but we need you. We need you.”

----------------

“Could've done this quick, but I wanted to enjoy it, that moment when the soul leaves the body... ‭‬it's beautiful.‬” Michael grins seeing Dean slowly turn blue RIght before he passes out, he and Michael are hit with a shock wave and they fall to the floor. As they fall, Jack appears behind them. Behind Jack, Sam uses the wall behind him to push himself to a standing position. While you push yourself up by the table.

“Jack.” Sam breathes a sigh of relief

I heard your prayer.” Jack answered staring at Michael

“Yeah, it's me. Yay,” lucifer yelped, “Uh, we done, buddy? Buddy?”

As Michael starts to stand up. As he does, Jack's eyes glow and he raises his hand “You hurt my friends.” he growls Michael starts to yell in pain. Black liquid runs out of his eyes and ears. “You hurt my family!” Jack yells squeezing his fist and Michael goes to his knees, screaming in pain

“Whoa.” Lucifer gulped

“Lucifer, we -- we had a deal!” Michael screamed out ‘Deal’ you look over at Sam who was also confused

“Okay, game over,” Lucifer laughed, “Hey, buddy, let's, uh, let's, uh... split, okay?”

“What does he mean?” Jack questioned “I-I-I don't know. I didn't -- I didn't hear.” Lucifer stammered

“They had a deal. Lucifer gets you, and Michael gets everything else. He's gonna nuke our world, Jack, just like he did his.” Dean said walking over to us wrapping his arm around me pulling me closer to him.

Jack looked over at his father “Is that true?” he asked

“‭No! It's not.‬” he lied

“Is that why you wanted us to leave?” jack questioned, “Leave?” You called out looking at Jack with a frown.

“He said -- he said we'd go to the stars.” jack defended his dad

“What, and you're just gonna leave the rest of us here to burn?” Castiel accused Lucifer “Okay. Hold on a second. Let's slow down, 'cause I...I'm not currently the bad guy here.” he exclaimed

“Yeah, tell that to Y/n,” Sam said pointed towards you

“What about y/n?” jack asked about one his closest friends

“She saw the eyes of the person who killed her -- the glowing, red eyes,” Sam said

“You're gonna -- you're gonna believe this guy? Come on, man! Sam's a hater!” Lucifer sputtered

“Tell me,” Jack stated “He would say anything to get you on his side.” lucifer tried getting on jack’s side

Jack moved towards Lucifer, eyes glowing and hand outstretched “Tell me the truth!” He yelled

Lucifer’s eyes start to glow, his head tilts to the side and he starts speaking “She saw me when I was scouting out the bunker. She saw me and she screamed, and then...so I crushed her skull with my bare hands. And it was warm and wet, and I liked it.” Dean pulled you closer keeping far away from Lucifer

Lucifer's eyes return to normal and he looks confused “You're not my father. You're a monster.” Jack cries

Lucifer yells “Come on, man!” He bellows so forcibly that you, Sam and Dean cover their ears, his eyes glowing red “Okay. I tried with you. I really tried with you.”

“Everything you told me was a lie,” Jack replied

Lucifer threw his hands up “Because I told you what you wanted to hear, man. So what?! I killed the runt! Big deal! She's a -- she's a human!,” He points at you, “We need fewer Winchesters anyway She doesn't matter!”

“So am I!” Jack yells back

“Yeah? And that's your problem,” he points at Jack, “You're too much like your mother.” Lucifer steps closer

“Jack...” You say

“Stay back. I'll handle him.” Jack holds his hand up

Lucifer laughs “Will you? Oh, buddy. We could've been something, you and me. We could've remade the universe. It would've been great. We could've been better gods than Dad. And I really wanted that, pal. I wanted that. But now if I can't have it with you, I...I don't need ya. I just need your power.”

‭Lucifer produces an angel blade from his sleeve and cuts Jack on his neck

“Jack!” You cry trying to go to him your dad holding you back.

“No!” Castiel yells‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Lucifer grabs Jack's jacket in his fist and sucks Jack's grace into his mouth. His eyes glow yellow as he touches Jack's neck, healing him. Jack looks as if he's going to collapse.

“Jack,” Dean calls to him

Cas yells “Jack!” Dean and Castiel rush forward to grab Jack. As Dean touches Jack, there is an explosion of light. Castiel is thrown down to the ground by the force of the explosion, while Dean is absorbed into it.

“Dean!” Sam yells

“Dad!” You cry out.

----------------

“What just happened?” Sam asked

“I don't know,” Cas answered equally confused

“The Devil won. That's what happened.” Michael says Your heart drops your dad was with a juiced-up Devil.

Dean’s POV

He lands on the floor in a church. He struggles to his knees. Lucifer is standing in front of him, holding Jack up by his coat collar

“Really, Dean? Hitching a ride? I mean, do you ever quit?” lucifer hisses

“Go to hell.” He spits back

“Hell, yeah.‬ Been there. Done that.‬” He smirks Lucifer drops Jack and turns to kick Dean, knocking him to the ground)

Y/n”s POV

“How do we stop him?” Sam asks

“You don't. After consuming the Nephilim's grace, Lucifer's juiced up. He's super-charged. He'll kill the boy, your brother. Hell, he could end the whole universe if he put his mind to it. And you thought I was bad.” Michael says shrugging his shoulders

“No. No, you beat him. I saw you.” You said pointing at him.

“When he was weaker, and I was stronger. Believe me, I'd love to rip my brother apart. But now in this banged up meat suit... not happening. This is the end, of everything.” Michael holding his arms up showing off his body

“No. What if...what if you had your sword?” You said looking at him Sam and Cas both looking at you shocked “I'm Dean Winchester’s daughter I the next best thing.” you said staring at him a grin forming his face

Dean’s POV

“You know... it's been really fun. I really had a great time with you, but I think we should see other people. What do you say?” Lucifer drops him, his eyes glow orange as he places a hand on his's chest. ‭‬‬‬‬He grimaces and grunts in pain. Behind him, Jack is getting to his feet, his face bloody.

“Stop!” Lucifer turns, dropping him

“Now, why should I listen to you?” He laughs at the now human

“Because...I'm your son,” Jack replies

“Oh, yeah.‬ ‬‬‬Well, you had a chance with that, but,” Lucifer punches Jack in the face, twice. Jack falls to his knees, “Now?‬‬‬” Lucifer punches Jack a third time and he falls to the ground completely. He is standing up behind him.

“As for kids...Ah, I can make more of those.”

He grabs Lucifer by the shoulder, turning him around. Lucifer punches him in the face and he falls to the floor

“Wow, Daddy Dean coming to the rescue. But your little Jackie, the nougat-loving boy that you had before, he's killed, people. He's got lots of blood on his hands.”

He stands up “I don't care. He's family.”

“Ha! What's family done for anybody? My dad left me. My brothers tried to kill me. A lot. Family blows. And I'm gonna prove it to you.” lucifer yells

“What, by killing me? Go ahead.” He sighs holding his hands out

“No, I'm not gonna kill you,” Lucifer points at Jack, “He is.” As Jack and he looked at each other, Lucifer pulls an angel blade from his sleeve and drops it to the floor between them

Y/n’s POV

“Y/n, no,” Cas says looking at you

“I am your sword.” You say

Flashback

“It's you. You're the Michael sword.‬” Zachariah says

“Your perfect vessel.” You looking at him

“Why do you think you are his vessel? Michael You were born to become his other vessel. Gabriel explained when you first meet

“With me, you'd be stronger than you've ever been.“ you state

“Oh, I know what you are,” Michael smirks

“If we work together, can we beat Lucifer?” You ask

“Y/n!” Sam tries to get your attention. ‭‬‬‬ 

“Can we?!” You yell.‬ “We'd have a chance.” He replies

“Y/n, you can't.” Cas grabs your arm

“Lucifer has Dad. He has Jack. Cas, I don't have a choice!” You decided “If we do this, it's a one-time deal. I'm in charge. You're the engine, but I'm behind the wheel. Understand?” You look at Michael both your uncle and Cas look at the interaction in fear.

Dean’s POV

“Now I could -- I probably should -- execute you. I mean, really, really use my imagination. But I'm feeling generous today. So one of you is gonna walk out that door, and the other one will be laying dead on the ground. You choose.” Lucifer smirks glancing at them both.

“No.” He says

“Or you could do that, and I can murder you both and end all life in the universe. Remake it in my image, better than Dad ever could. I'm thinkin'... mm... fire-breathing dragons, sassy talking robots. I might give humans another chance if they know their place and worship me, 'cause I've earned it. But hey, it'll probably take a few days to unravel the universe, Maybe, uh, 7, 10 days tops. So maybe, just maybe, one of you could stop me. Maybe. Well, let's see. Clock's ticking, guys.” Lucifer lists off

Dean picks up the blade. Jack looks at him questioningly. Dean hesitates for several seconds and turns the handle of the blade towards Jack

“Kill me,” he says

“What?” Jack chokes out “Kill me.‬‬‬‬ You can stop him, Jack.” Dean begs. Placing the blade in Jack's hands “You can get your power back.”

“No, I-I c-can't. I can't beat him. But you can.” Jack answers

“What?” DEan says confused‬

“I know you can.” Jack turns the blade to point at his stomach

“No, no, no, no, no. Jack. Don't! Jack!” Dean yells

“I love you. I love all of you.” Jack cries

“Jack, don't! Don't!” Dean yells Jack pushes the tip of the blade into his stomach and blood stains his shirt. A bright light glows from behind him and he turns to see Y/n, bathed in light, angel wings unfurling behind him. The light goes out and they all turn to face Y/n.

“Y/n” Dean whispers

“Hiya, Dad.

“You let my brother in,” Lucifer growls

“Well, it turns out, he and I have something in common. We both wanna gut your ass.” You snap back Lucifer runs towards Y/n. As he gets near Y/n kicks him in the chest, sending him flying across the church

Y/n goes after Lucifer with an angel blade and the fight, Lucifer eventually knocking the angel blade out of Y/ns hands. They separate, and then run towards each other, rising into the air as they grab each other's shoulders. They continue to fight several feet above the ground. Lucifer gains the upper hand and proceeds to punch Y/n in the face several times, to the point that Y/n can no longer fight back.

“Well...” ‭‬‬‬Lucifer continues to punch Y/n “Good try, Y/n I'll give you that, buddy.‬ I'm not just powerful now. I am in power.”

Dean rushes over to picks up the angel blade

“And I don't need a blade to end you, pal.” He smiles

“Y/n” Dean throws the angel blade into the air and Y/n catches it

“Bye-bye, runt.” Lucifer's eyes glow as he places his hand on Y/n's head. As white light emanates from Y/n's eyes and mouth, she stabs Lucifer with the angel blade. Lucifer lets go of Y/n and she falls to the ground. Lucifer screams as fire burns from his eyes. There's a flash of light and Lucifer falls to the ground.

----------------

Y/n’s POV

Lucifer lies on the church floor. His outstretched wings are charred and burning. Y/n, Dean and Jack approach him

“Is he...” Jack starts

“He... he's dead.” Dean states

“Holy crap.” You mumbled

Dean looks over at you “You did it.” 

“No. No, we did it. We did it.” You correct him

You, Dean, and Jack are smiling as they realize what they've done when you double over, grunting in pain “Y/n,” Dean asks grabbing your shoulders

“We had a deal!” You yell when you stop grunting and stands up, incredibly calm “Michael” Dean whispers

“Thanks for the suit,” Michael said before he disappears leaving Dean and jack alone. Dean lost his daughter again. In the bunker, Castiel is sitting on the stairs Sam pacing tears in his eyes. Mary and Bobby run up to him. As they look down, Castiel slowly shakes his head.

No One’s POV

As the rain pelted down on the street as people headed to there destination a woman dressed in a suit a large coat on and a newspaper boy hat rest on her hair. As she looks up grinning her eyes flashing a blue glow.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Ok so if all four of them are gonna be in a *cowboy themed* motel in 13x6 they're gonna have to split up 2 and 2 right??? So I'm really gonna need Dean and Cas to share a room and then have a convo that's reverse of the "Talk to me" one in S8 where instead they talk about how they both did feel suicidal but how they've both overcome it. ~For reasons unknown~

That would be great mirroring, and it’s always good to compare the fun episodes where things seem back to normal to 8x08… However… Sorry, but this is a bummer reply, I’m just not good with leaving off things like this :P

I sort of feel though that neither Dean or Cas got to completely overcome things in their respective paths through dark other worlds… Cas said he’d just keep fighting and even if the standing up was an important part, he acknowledged he was going back with a sense of hopelessness that he’d get what he truly wants - and that’s just how it was in the Empty, while it sounds like he may have forgotten the experience so it’s for now a metaphorical state he passed through and we got to see it vocalised and it probably means roughly where he’s up to. But the despair of resolution, the fact need/want has been called out for US to know it’s a major theme but Cas of course hasn’t actually talked face to face with any Winchester, let alone Dean, to resolve need/want, which is the core of his depression, thematically… He’s come back with levelled up determination and a will to live, which is great, but there’s so much work to do before he feels happy even if he DOES remember the Empty. I’ve written ridiculously long things tracking his arc so I’ll just say that this was a great step forwards for him but in no way actually resolving anything. 

For Dean as well, Billie sent him back but it was with the “work to do” order/motivation that’s made Dean and Sam power through a lot of their worst times, and like how in the Empty nothing new was actually said about Cas, it just brought everything up that was troubling him so we’d get a sample of how he feels, that was just repeating the theme for Dean that he started this season on - that at best he’s going to feel like a guy doing his job, because someone more important than him told him he had to and he can’t stop now. 

Billie’s words are the sort of advice he got in season 7 after Cas (and then Bobby) died, from Bobby, Frank and Eliot Ness, all of which was a variation of the same sort of nihilism about doing the job because it’s the job and you’re the one who does it. I’m in most agreement with the meta I’ve seen that Dean didn’t go into that whole mess looking for a reason to die, he just was in that state Bobby described: 

BOBBY:I want to talk about your new party line.

DEAN:Party? What are you talking about? I don’t even vote.

BOBBY:“The world’s a suicide case. We save it, it just steals more pills”?

DEAN:Bobby, I’m here, okay? I’m on the case. What’s the problem?

BOBBY:I’ve seen a lot of hunters live and die. You’re starting to talk like one of the dead ones, Dean.

DEAN:No, I’m talking the way a person talks when they’ve had it, when they can’t figure out why they used to think all this mattered.

I’m picking on this conversation because it’s the most detailed but also because it’s the one Dean has WITH Bobby so in no way shape or form can it be about Dean losing Bobby, except that of course this episode gave Dean and Sam both a private conversation with Bobby about where they were at, so we could have a good last moment with him each, and also to gauge how they’d react to his death (Dean with this massive depression caused by losing Cas and his betrayal to pile on top of) and Bobby’s last advice apply after as well. His advice being:

BOBBY:Come on, now. You tried to hang it up and be a person with Lisa and Ben. And now here you are with a mean old coot and a van full of guns. That ain’t person behavior, son. You’re a hunter, meaning you’re whatever the job you’re doing today. Now, you get a case of the Anne Sextons, something’s gonna come up behind you and rip your fool head off. Now, you find your reasons to get back in the game. I don’t care if it’s love or spite or a ten-dollar bet. I’ve been to enough funerals. I mean it. You die before me, and I’ll kill you.

Cheery. 

But this is essentially what Billie does for Dean. She reads him, sees he wants to die, and he tells her that he doesn’t matter, so she reassures him that he has a job, that he is important, that he’s in this cosmic position of responsibility. It would almost be encouraging, to know you’re not meant to die that day, that there is a reason for you to be alive. But not for Dean in the state he was in then.

Cas coming back is GREAT and of course it’s going to make Dean wildly happy. But he’s been feeling this way about the job a long, long time in ways that aren’t to do with Cas at all but is just his underlying major trauma that you can see coming from a hundred miles off in season 1:

from 2x09:

DEANI’m tired, Sam. I’m tired of this job, this life … this weight on my shoulders, man. I’m tired of it.

[…]

DEANI just think we should take a break from all this. Why do we gotta get stuck with all the responsibility, you know? Why can’t we live life a little bit?

Or this speech from 2x20 I contractually have to quote at least once a month as a card-carrying Dean!girl:

DEAN All of them. Everyone that you saved, everyone Sammy and I saved. They’re all dead. And there’s this woman, that’s haunting me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what the connection is, not yet anyway. It’s like my old life is, is coming after me or something. Like it like it doesn’t want me to be happy. Course I know what you’d say. Well, not the you that played softball but… “So go hunt the Djinn. He put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness for all those people’s lives, no contest. Right?” But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh? What, Mom’s not supposed to live her life, Sammy’s not supposed to get married? Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad? It’s… Yeah…

(And, side note, it really annoys me when people make 2x20 about brotherly wuv, platonically or not, because THAT is why Dean decided to go un-wish this life, not because of anything to do with AU Sam, who he still trusted he could find his Sam in >.> I’ll just keep repeating this until I stop stumbling over the idea… :P)

He’s had similar smaller moments like this but season 2, 7 and now 13 are his grief seasons, so I’m most interested in these parallels. Like, just in general. Specifically in season 2 because he was dealing with John’s order to save Sam or kill him, which of course is a dynamic that Jack could horrifyingly repeat for him if Dean gets attached to a kid with the same horrifying destiny. Specifically in season 7 Dean was dealing with losing Cas and it immediately struck him to the core, that even while Cas was still Godstiel he was having mirrors with his season 2 self after losing John:

DEANSounds good. You got any leads on where the demon is? Making heads or tails of any of Dad’s research? Because I sure ain’t. But you know, if we do finally find it - oh. No, wait, like you said. The Colt’s gone. But I’m sure you’ve figured out another way to kill it. We’ve got nothing, Sam. Nothing, okay? So you know the only thing I can do? Is I can work on the car.

[… five years elapse]

SAM: So, what? Try to talk to him again?

DEAN: Sam.

SAM: Dean, all we can do is talk to the guy.

DEAN: He’s not a guy. He’s God. And he’s pissed. And when God gets righteous, you get the hell out of the way; haven’t you read the Bible?

SAM: I guess…

DEAN: Cas is never coming back. He’s lied to us, he used us, he cracked your gourd like it was nothing. No more talk; we have spent enough on him.

SAM: Okay.

DEAN: Hand me that socket wrench.

Dean didn’t lose the car this time, just had Miriam deface it with “Bitch” on the window and the car was washed and shiny in a couple of episodes. But it’s metaphorically a similar process and I guess all they had time for when 13x01 was about taking time in a very different way, by giving Dean like 10 minutes at the end of the episode all about how he was grieving Cas. 

Anyway, I think there’s a lot of thematic overlap in what it means for Dean right now, with Billie’s reminder of his position on the cosmic ladder, to John’s order about Sam, to Dean’s responsibility to deal with Cas and the Leviathans, which eventually crystallises into his mission to kill Dick - and though Dick kills Bobby, finding out who is the head leviathan in 7x09 really just seals the deal of who Dean needs to personally kill to deal with everything, and the Bobby thing was just an extra motivation to fall into a revenge mindset, but it also about what happened with Cas (and when Cas comes back, he has to help kill Dick for the same reason it all happened to him and he was connected to it and responsible). 

We really haven’t seen anything yet, but I think getting Cas back is a temporary fix at least to a bigger issue, which is Dean’s burden of the world, which Chuck lumped on him in 11x23 and made me very, very excited that Dean’s duty to save everyone was hopefully going to get some microscopic treatment and maybe one day some sort of resolution. I don’t think Billie’s comment was a pick me up, and it reminds me of how Cas started picking on Dean on Heaven’s behalf in 4x01 - telling him they had work for him. In 4x02 Dean complains a lot about how he hates being singled out and it’s absolutely horrifying that he was saved for unknown reasons. And those reasons turned out to be being Michael’s vessel and one of the 2 grenade pins needed to be pulled on the planet being destroyed.

(Which we have some handy visuals for and reminders of in the AU world right now :P) 

I’d hope in the long run Chuck’s orders end up being destroyed as much as John’s were, because the parallel is 1 to 1 except bigger scale, and Chuck telling Dean the world has him to protect it literally in God’s own place is an absolutely horrifying unfair burden than broke him in season 5 and can be directly equated to how season 2 broke him when Sam, who was basically his whole world at the time, was lumped on him with the same burden. In the mean time, Billie’s adding to the weight on Dean, although long run she’s neutral, commenting on it rather than ordering, and seems to have some confidence that he has a purpose and will fulfil it, I can see Dean struggling with it in just the same way he took Cas’s comments in 4x01. 

So even if he seems happy to get Cas back, the root problem of his depression, his sense of being worthless, is still truly about how he defines himself as a hunter and the guy who is supposed to save everyone - who will trade himself for a house of random ghosts he feels he LET DOWN by not investigating well enough sooner. Because he has sole responsibility to fix the planet.

The job is killing Dean literally and metaphorically, and the grief of losing all his loved ones as they do it is just an additional awful, awful part of it. Not getting Cas back immediately thanks to Chuck in 13x01 just confirmed how alone Dean is in the world to him, and he directly mentioned the line from 11x23 when reaching out to Chuck… Getting Cas back and Cas returning seemingly on his own steam is going to be a nice turning point, and good for uplifting Dean, but the core problem remains and since 11x23 I’ve been pretty certain that Dean’s endgame is NOT to be a hunter… Billie also now makes me think he has some purpose to fulfil, and ideally, fulfilling it would let him finally get off the cosmic ladder and be who he wants to be without obligation. 

About all I can really speculate about that hopeful endgame would be that Sam seems to be lumped in with Dean on this, but Cas is literally outside the system based on how he got himself back from the Empty without Chuck’s interference, OR except for in thematic “rewards” or dramatic irony from just missing him really hard, Dean didn’t actually bring him back by DOING anything, and Jack, who is also outside the system in some ways, did instead. But that’s all a huge mess right now :P Need more data. 

So anyway, to go back to Dean and Cas next episode? I think they will have a lot to talk about but it has to be immediate character stuff about their actions and desires. They are both really good for each other and going through very similar emotional territory so I hope they get honest and tell each other how they’re doing, but I don’t think they’ll be talking about overcoming anything. I think if it does mirror 8x08 it MAY be a reversal that Dean admits how bad he was doing without Cas, and Cas is still too uncertain about what happened to him or with a link to make it directly about Dean to reciprocate the sentiment… For all the good communication lately I’m not entirely sure if Dean and Cas can absolutely knock down all the walls. 

And I seriously fear dramatic interruptions to their reconciliation just because of the extremely vague episode descriptions we have after 13x06, which seem to  be concealing exactly what happens in that episode… I’m really expecting silly cowboys for like the middle half of the episode, with the first quarter for reconciliation and getting onto the job, and the last quarter or five minutes for shit to completely hit the fan in some way, probably about Jack, and probably involving Cas since he’s specifically not mentioned in the episode descriptions *even though they just got him back*. 

I’m not worried or wanky about this, I’m just bracing myself for the next round of drama and what its subject will be. If Cas is fine and hanging out with the Winchesters still for 2 episodes and it was redacted spoilers for the sake of 13x05′s last 5 minutes that’s awesome :P But it sounds like time to brace yourself not to expect everything to be fluffy or resolved, either with plot stuff, or emotional arcs. We’re only 5 episodes in so the drama needs to keep on happening, and there’s no way Dean and Cas can or should overcome their arcs about their depression when it’s been set up so interestingly, just because they’re hanging out again.

But it WILL make them feel a lot better in the short term. :D I’m really excited for what they WILL say to each other, I just feel like in some ways we’re really starting to put the cart before the horse on identifying what stories are being told and what moments are being offered to tell them, and assuming the stories are over just because something really dramatic happened. I’m seeing it a lot with all sorts of thematic threads, that just because they’re becoming obvious or surface level or have had a really dramatic moment all about them, they’re being wrapped up as we speak. Instead I think it’s got to all be set up for the rest of the season, where this is all important stuff to know, but the real work hasn’t even begun yet :P

[its-just-like-the-movies]

Date Night!: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Back when the swell fella who would become my boyfriend and I were in one of those strange middle grounds where we were on our way to becoming a couple and very, very aware of it, our first sort-of-date was when Tommy invited me to go see Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice on its opening night. I, of course, accepted, somewhat reluctantly. I can’t remember if I was expecting the film to be good or bad, though I’m sure before then some of its abysmal reviews had been public. I was also nervous about the whole “oh my god this is probably sort of a date isn’t it”, especially since at the time I didn’t know him all that well. This would be the first of many dates at Ze Cinemah, although after this we’d be perfectly, happily aware that they were all dates. Even better, I think, is our immediate discussions after the film is over, and how eager we are to talk about it and discuss what we’ve just seen. We’ve seen plenty of films together, and maybe I’ll talk about other ones we’ve seen someday, but I can already feel a pit in my stomach drop at having to talk about this stinking pile of steamingness. All said, Batman v Superman is one of those truly atrocious films, like The Judge or The Danish Girl, that works like so much manure and makes me start sparking and frothing with how horrible they were. It’s an energizer more than it is a depressive, though it for sure is both, and there is one thing about our date in particular that haunts me every day. It’s not even something the film did, but something I did, or almost did, but could have done more of. Something that perhaps could have changed the screening for the whole theater, or as Anthony Hopkins keeps saying in the trailers for the new Transformers movies “change the tide of human history itself”. I wonder about it every day and every night, as I sleep and as I wake, and especially as a type this story to you, The Void, and now I must share the tale of my screening of Batman vs Superman with you to get it of my chest, to free myself, and to see where the tides of human history itself shall take me. Also: I’m going to be very mean to this film, and am very not interested in hearing about how wrong I am from random eggs as I and many others I know have been on Twitter. I hate it, don’t care if you love it, for fuck’s sake leave me alone.

It didn’t take the two of us long to find a pair of seats, though we immediately moved to the row behind us because our view was partially blocked by the structure of the stairwell. We warned the couple who ended up taking those seats about it, though I can’t remember if they moved too. And the film starts. Zack Snyder has the gall to open the film by reminding us that Batman’s parents died in front of him during a robbery gone wrong. He also seemingly cannot hire Jeffrey Dean Morgan to do much beyond die in the openings of his films, though I remember he had more to do in Watchmen. The visual of Martha’s(!!!) pearl necklace snapping in the gun’s safety as the trigger is pulled is sort of fascinating but also pretty grotesque, all things considered. Batffleck is saying something, though I cannot remember what. We see the funeral, little Bruce running into the woods in sadness during the procession, only to fall into a well or pit or some such hole in the ground. The score, I’m sure, was going crazy.

And then, it happens. Baby Bruce is levitated out the pit by seemingly hundreds of bats flying around him like a tornado, floating him towards the light. This is how we are abruptly told that this is a dream sequence, and reader, I laughed. Not the cackle it deserved, but I couldn’t stop it from escaping completely. I chuckled, giggled, whatever; I’m pretty sure Tommy hit me on the arm to calm me down and get me stop but I’m not quite sure. The giggle is what counts, though, and it haunts me. What if I had just burst out laughing at a moment that the whole theater was palpably flummoxed by? Batffleck wakes up but I am still reeling from the horseshit prologue we have been subjected to. It is not the most nonsensical thing we are going to see in this movie. It is not even the least plot-relevant indulgence that Zack Snyder will take us through, nor the least inexplicable jump of energy or plot logic that we’ll be forced to sit through. Academy Award winner Holly Hunter will be forced to stare dramatically, in close-up, to a jar of piss before she and dozens of other people are killed in an assassination plot meant to frame Superman, whose own close up registers at the subtle, bottomless despair and discomfort of sitting on the can and realizing you’re not quite done shitting, except Henry Cavill also registers as remarkably bored. Jeremy Irons reads every line as Alfred Pennyworth with such bitchy, subtly nasty inflections that I actually found the character an unwelcome presence, though if anyone found this a life raft of something enjoyable happening on screen, particularly Irons, then by all means savor him. Amy Adams will throw a Kryptonite spear into an underwater pile of rubble and, with no indication that Lois Lane has been told why the heroes need it to vanquish the rock monster that is Doomsday, dives into the water and nearly drowns recovering it. Batman slaughters - in fact, he often guns down - dozens of criminals on screen, brands sex offenders, had one montage that’s just him training to become even beefier and another, completely bizarre dream sequence that may also be a warning from another dimension’s Flash where Superman is technically Hitler, and Barry Allen screams about Lois Lane before Batffleck wakes up at his desk, which is meant to convey that this May Have Been A Dream Or Is It Ooooooh. This scene has no narrative impact and is never referenced again, though it is not as patently stupid as is the sight of Superman, wielding that Kryptonite spear, deciding to kamikaze himself by killing Doomsday with the knowledge that he cannot survive any assault the giant may bring on him while he is in such close proximity to said spear, ignoring the two superheroes who have been helping him fight Doomsday this whole time.

There are plenty of other absurd, delicious, amazingly shitty one-offs. Michael Shannon is credited for appearing in the film for the three seconds General Zod’s corpse floats in the remains of his spaceship. The President of the United States decides to nuke Superman in the middle of his fight with Doomsday after the latter threw the Man of Steel into the Earth’s orbit (a safe enough distance to nuke him, I suppose). Diane Lane is duck taped and tied to a chair, threatened to be burned alive as Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor throws photos of her with “Witch” written on her face, and all of this is tied into some mythological asinine crap that is Luthor’s motivation for wanting to kill Superman and create Doomsday in the first place. Eisenberg spends the whole film as some combination of Edward Nygma and a meth addict’s impersonation of Heath Ledger’s Joker, and it is by far the biggest trainwreck in the whole film. I think I also resisted laughing once “MARTHA!!???!?!?!?!!!” happened but in truth, I blocked that out of my memory. The sheer joy of seeing Wonder Woman, and hearing the score come alive as she roars into battle, literally, at some points, is all that is keeping me from giving this film an F grade, though perhaps I just can’t rate an Amy Adams film that low. Gal Gadot is at least enjoying herself, which is in even bigger contrast to the stark constipation that Cavill and Ben Affleck are constantly exuding. The film has ideas about literal hero worship, about what Superman could mean or stand for, and wants to have real conversations about his necessity, but it jerry-rigs them through Christic imagery and working hard to undermine the criticisms of genuine challengers and the critics themselves. Bruce’s hatred and suspicion of the Man of Steel seems completely arbitrary, banking on the fear of Superman turning on humanity in spite of his big coming-out party as a global entity being the eradication of his home species for the sake of mankind. Horrific as the collateral damage was, it’s not in line with anything Superman does in the film, is shown as doing, or is framed as doing by Synder himself, who doesn’t pretend for a moment that there’s actually anything wrong with Superman. He’s content to make the man a misunderstood martyr, a golden boy whose death inspires the formation of The Justice League and the warming up of Batman’s glacial, inherently distrusting heart. Superman is basically fridged on behalf of Bruce Wayne, and it’s clumsily executed as Smallville himself is. 

There are so many vile, absurd, abstracted, unnecessary, horrific moments in this film and yet, I still wonder how much that night would’ve changed had I actually burst out laughing at the beginning of the film. What would’ve changed for the whole theater if some jackass sitting hear the back-left had cackled as a small child is literally lifted out of a scene the filmgoing public had seen at least seventy-eight million times by now, one that kicks off an indefensibly ghastly excuse for a Hollywood spectacle lit worse than even the lowest budge episode of The X-Files and colored like it’s scared that bright shades will deflate how Dour and Serious this Cinematic Experience is? Recounting many of the set pieces I’ve already mentioned back to my sister afterwards I couldn’t help cackling at some of them, though I did so far more angrily with Tommy immediately after, baffled not just that I had paid for this film but that it even existed, that anybody who made this gigantic dumpster fire thought that it was in any way a competently crafted, psychologically or emotionally coherent picture. Could we, as a crowd, as a community, have laughed at this horseshit for what it was? I love that in horror movies the audience always make the pact with itself that fine, this is a lot, you deserve a good scream. This picture was even more upsetting, and perhaps if I’d laughed, having taken the piss out of it so goddamn early, we wouldn’t have had to just sit there and take it. We could’ve fought back and laughed at it (with it?), openly railed against it, or just fucking not be quiet throughout this whole ordeal. I will always be haunted by this inaction on my part, and to this day it shames me.

He did try to defend parts of it, but not much, and for sure stole my comments about how Eisenberg wasn’t even playing Lex Luthor when we starting talking about the film to our RA Josh and fellow hallmate Dylan in the hall that same night. Josh peddled the theory that Marvel people had paid off critics to hate on DC’s live-action features, which I challenged by asking why Marvel would even need to do that. It’s not even that DC’s films are so drastically worse than any of Marvel’s features, but Marvel at least has a brand formula at work. Their knock is never that their bad, just predictable and uninspired, though they’ve been getting a little better at going against both those counts lately, with the Guardians films at least. And I will say this for Batman v Superman: It’s awfulness has staked a far larger claim on my mental landscape than The Avengers or Deadpool or most Marvel fare ever has. I liked Man of Steel fine, was particularly impressed by the early minimalism in portraying Superman’s powers, especially his x-ray vision, and was even playing devil’s advocate with family members I saw it with. I’m semi-interested to return to it, but not passionately so. You for sure couldn’t call this film formulaic, perhaps unworthy of all the bombast it’s applying to itself but worthy of notice the way a burning car is, or how Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern are seemingly in awe of that giant pile of shit in Jurassic Park. As dubious as literally every aspect of this film is, the sheer magnitude of its awfulness is compelling in such a way that I became anticipatory of the film’s eventual Rifftrax takedown as I was watching it. I don’t know how soon into it this idea started, but once Amy Adams dived in to get that spear I could already hear the befuddled joke about Lois Lane: Plot Psychic that Kevin Murphy would probably hurl at the screen, and it made this mess a little bit better.

All things being honest, I am absolutely going to see Justice League with my boyfriend, though I wonder how much more excited he is than I am. I loathed Suicide Squad but thought it was so poorly edited I stopped caring and would up having something of an okay time, appreciating Margot Robbie trying to find a character in Harley Quinn and relishing that Viola Davis actively seemed to want to be there a little as I did. Of course I’ve seen Wonder Woman, a step above most recent DC efforts in that it’s compelling, competently told and emotionally resonant, though it really shows Gadot isn’t much of an actress. There’s a lot about it I questioned in the moment but I am so, so appreciative of Wonder Woman as a film that exists, and one I mostly enjoyed seeing even as I actively wished for a better version of the film while I was watching it. Maybe I should just not see these given how much I end up railing against these projects, but I love watching movies with my guy (who I also love) and they are great conversation fodder. Plus, we watch lots of better movies together! Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was the first of many, many delightful date night movies, and we weren’t even dating yet! My guy was easily the best part of the film, though it’d be a discredit to it say that it wasn’t a memorable experience, future boyfriend or no. I truly hope I never see it again, at least not sober, but I got a great story out of it, and a great man too, which is more than a lot of movies have ever given me. And at the end of the day, it’s that the biggest reward a person could get? It’s not like this makes Batman v Superman anything more than a gray, ugly, violent, gross, despicable, unpleasant, misogynistic, time-wasting, utterly horrendous, steaming pile of shit. But hey, it counts for something.