#maybe visiting my girlfriend tomorrow will make me feel better!!!

[alisonwritesimagines]

Blood Son's Girlfriend ~Batmom Imagine~

Summary: Damian takes his new girlfriend Raven to meet you.

Author’s Note: I ship Damian and Raven in Teen Titans vs the Justice League. Also, Damian and Raven are 18 and 20 in this. I think Raven is older than Damian by like two years? Martha is five in this.

BatFamily Masterlist

Reader’s Pronouns: She/Her

Warnings: fluff

Do not repost this anywhere!

There was one person that Damian valued for their opinion. And that person was you.

So when he began to date Raven, he wanted you to meet her after the first month of dating.

“I’m nervous to meet your mom,” Raven tells him as they walked over to the backyard.

“She’ll love you,” Damian reassured her.

Raven knew about you and Bruce. She also knew that you weren’t Damian’s biological mother but he loved you like you were. You had changed Damian in a good way. So when he told Raven that he wanted her to meet you, of course it was natural to feel nervous. Raven had met Bruce on multiple occasions so she wasn't too nervous.

They found you under the gazebo in the backyard with Martha, Alfred, and Bruce sitting with you. It looked like a tea party as Martha was in a dress and a tiara.

“Damie!” Martha yelled excitedly before running over to hug her older brother. Damian picked her up before hugging her back.

“Hey Martha.”

“Do you and your friend want to join my tea party?” Martha asked.

“Sure. Are there seats for us?” Damian asked.

“Yes!”

“Okay then. You up for a tea party?” Damian asked Raven.

“It sounds fun,” she smiled softly. The three of them got closer to the gazebo where you were sitting and smiling with Bruce, waiting to be introduced to Damian’s girlfriend.

“Ummi. Father. I want you two to meet Raven. My girlfriend,” Damian introduced.

“It’s so nice to meet you,” you say as you got up. You have her a hug before looking at her outfit. “I love your outfit!”

“Thank you. It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Wayne. Damian talks about you.”

“You can call me Y/n.”

“It’s nice to see you again, Raven,” Bruce smiles as he shook hands with Raven.

“It’s nice to meet you too, sir.”

“Damian and Raven are having tea with us!” Martha said excitedly.

“Do you drink tea Raven?” You asked her.

“Yes ma'am."

“We have some good tea right now. And Alfred has made some sandwiches and little snacks for us,” you tell her.

Raven sat next to you and Damian as Martha carefully poured tea into a cup for her.

“Make sure you raise your pinky,” Martha tells Raven.

“Okay,” Raven nodded.

Damian watched as you and Martha got along with Raven. After the tea party, Damian and Raven had to head back.

“It was so nice to meet you Raven! I hope to see you again soon,” you tell her after giving her a hug.

“It was nice to meet you too. Thank you for the tea party.”

“Now that Martha is the only child in the mansion, we basically have to listen to her,” you joked.

“We’ll visit again soon,” Damian tells you.

“Oh! Maybe we can have a dinner sometime with everyone! I miss you kids. You hardly visit anymore,” you pouted.

“Sorry. I’ll talk to the others and plan something for you,” Damian said.

“You two have a safe drive back,” Bruce tells them.

“Thanks. We’ll see you again soon,” Damian said before walking off with Raven.

“I can’t believe Damian has a girlfriend now,” you say out loud as you began to clean up the tea party.

“I can’t believe someone is willing to date him. Remember how anti social he was?” Bruce asked.

“Don’t remind me. But he looks like he's getting better," you tell him.

"She's a powerful being with powers including manipulation and telepathy," Bruce said.

"If someone is using powers on our children I would notice. But she seems like a nice young girl who is dealing with Damian now so if you're worried, I'd be more worried about her," you tell Bruce. Bruce felt Martha tap on him to get his attention, making Bruce pick her up.

"Mommy? Can we go visit Jason tomorrow?" Martha asked you.

"Let's see if he's busy before we go visit him," you tell her.

"Okay!"

"Let's help mommy put the tea set away before she calls him okay?" Bruce tells Martha.

"Okay," Martha nodded.

[taintedtort]

Hello! What will be the reaction of Scaramouche and Venti if the reader enters the room naked? (and the reader realizes too late that she is naked)

prompt ✧ you walk in naked

characters ✧ scaramouche, venti

warnings ✧ afab!reader, suggestive, you just got out the shower

a/n ✧ this is scara in his wanderer arc so he’s not as bitchy (also this is EMBARRASSINGLY late. it’s been sitting in my drafts for so long bcus i forgot abt it, im so sorry!!)

SCARAMOUCHE

✧ oh my god seriously he thinks he died. to be fair, you didn’t know scara was in the room. he wasn’t even there when you first got into the shower! not your fault that he just barges into peoples homes, maybe he should learn some manners!

you were drying off after taking a hot shower, something you really needed after the long day you had. your fuzzy robe sat sprawled out on your bed where you left it, forgetting to take it to the bathroom with you. luckily, your bathroom was connected to your room so you didn’t have to go far in the cold. you wrapped your towel on your head to let your hair dry and keep it from dripping everywhere.

when you walked out of the bathroom and saw scaramouche sitting on your bed, your first thought was what the hell is he doing here? but your second thought came too late, he was already looking up at you.

once he comprehended you were completely naked, his face bursts into red. you both ended up shouting at the same time.

"scaramouche, get out!"

"oh archons!"

his hand flew over his eyes, trying to respect your privacy and also trying to cover his completely red face. he scrambled off the bed and out your door, slamming it in the process.

once he was out, he fell back onto the door and slid down to the floor. his heart was erratic and he could feel the skin on his neck burning red. he was tempted to leave so you wouldn’t see him like this, but he also wanted to apologize and scold you for walking around indecently.

you on the other hand, were mortified beyond belief. you two have never really been intimate before, having newly started the relationship, and now his first impression of your nude body is going to be with a towel around your head and mascara smudges under your eyes.

once you secured the robe around your body, you called out his name. you were praying he left so you wouldn’t have to deal with the embarrassment until tomorrow. luck wasn’t on your side though.

you heard shuffling behind the door before it cracked open. you saw half of scara‘s face peek in before he fully opened the door. he didn’t enter, just stayed still, unsure of what to do.

"sorry— i didnt know you weren’t going to be decent. i wouldve waited in the living room or something."

you cross your arms and huff. your heart was still racing, but you could see the pink on his face from where you were standing and it made you feel a bit better.

"my robe was sitting on my bed! what did you expect?"

you were scolding him, which was new. you think the whole event fried his brain because he didn’t fire back, he just apologized again.

you sigh heavily before asking him what he’s doing at your house. you think he must’ve needed something to have broken in.

"is it bad i want to see my girlfriend?" he answered, somewhat defensively. the use of the title made your stomach churn. he doesn’t call you that often, almost never in fact, unless he’s jealous.

"well— no…" you trailed off, not finding another reason to yell at him. he was just trying to be sweet and come visit you, its not his fault you were showering.

you took a breath and plastered a pretty smile on your face while making your way across the room to him. he looked at you someone cautiously, the image of your naked body still fresh on his mind.

you pulled him inside the room and shut the door behind him before placing a quick peck to his lips, leaving him wanting more.

"sit down. let me change clothes and we can watch something, yeah?" you gently moved his body towards your bed, further urging him to take the spot he occupied earlier. he sat without complaint, nodding at your suggestion.

"yeah, fine. just don’t come out naked this time."

VENTI

✧ was taken off guard for sure, but quickly recovered and started teasing you. he didn’t even bother giving you privacy by turning away, just immediately started making jokes to get you flustered.

after getting out of the shower and realizing you left your only towel outside sitting on your bed, you sighed loudly and cursed under your breath. you’d have to wipe the floor up after tracking water to your bed. what a hassle.

you had thought venti was still at the tavern enjoying some drinks, but when you opened the door and saw him sitting on your bed, you froze. your reaction time was way slower than his. by the time your brain caught up that he was there and looking at you, he had already taken in the sight of your naked body. a grin broke out across his face before you could say anything.

"oh wow, are you trying to seduce me?" he teased, voice filled with amusement. your face burned red and your arms moved to cover your exposed body.

"venti! get out! what are you doing here?!" you yelped, making a run for the towel that sat dangerously close to him. a laugh bursts out of him as he snatched it up from the bed and away from your grasp.

"hey don’t cover up, i think you look cute!" his cheeks were slightly dusted pink, letting you know that he wasn’t actually as nonchalant about this as he let on.

"give it back! seriously!" you shrieked, completely mortified. you made a move to snatch the towel from him, but the action caused you to lean over the bed, only exposing yourself more to his prying eyes.

when venti realized how close you were, he took the chance to gently cup your cheek and bring you even closer. your breath caught in your throat as his lips met yours. the kiss wasn’t lust filled, it was soft, like he was reassuring you.

you felt his other hand move to caress your arm, bringing you back to the fact that you were completely naked right in front of him. you pulled away from him with a gasp, but he didn’t let you go far. his lips moved to your jaw next, slowly trailing down to the junction where your neck and shoulder met.

"venti," you mumbled, face burning. you felt him hum against your skin, but he didn’t pull away. he placed kisses all down your neck and across your shoulders, but didn’t leave any marks. he’d never mark you up without your permission!

when he heard your breath hitch, he pulled away with one final kiss to your lips. a boyish grin was set on his face, while your own was dazed.

he snickered lightly at your expression before wrapping your towel around your body, finally giving you a way to cover yourself. you sighed in relief, your racing heart slowing just a bit.

"there, better yeah? though… i think you look better without it."

[sixflame438]

Birthday Cake

Synopsis - The day before your birthday, Yunjin pays you a visit

Pairing - Kim Chaewon x Reader

Tags - Angst (not that sad tbh), established relationship, told from Yunjins perspective, Chae is only mentioned. Inspired by the song Birthday Cake - Dylan Conrique. Possible errors

Word count - 2799

“Hey. Howve you been? I hope lifes treating you well, wherever you are now.”

“Youre turning 23 tomorrow god youre getting too old for this world grandma.” Yunjin couldnt help but chuckle to herself from the irony of it all, knowing you werent getting any older and you never would. 

“As per birthday tradition we made you a cake! Well Chaewon baked it obviously, you know i cant bake for shit. Youre probably laughing at me right now arent you? You werent any better either.”

“Remember that time actual firefighters had to come and save us from the mess you created? When you tried flambéing for the first time to impress Chaewon with a fancy home cooked dinner? But then ended up impressing everyone by burning down your kitchen?

Oh and remember that time when you tried baking bread but got distracted and left the loaf in for too long? It was like a black crunchy concrete brick. And then your dumbass tried eating it”

Yunjin recalled, cackling at the memory. “Man that was the best 10 bucks of my life, wiping her tears from laughing too hard.

“Fun times those were” 

“Hey I helped decorate it though! We all did! Its a nice heart shaped cake in your favorite colour with ribbons and swirls of frosting to line the edges. We even cut and put on some of your favorite fruits. Youll see it tomorrow when Chaewon comes to spend the day with you.

Speaking of your girlfriend, or ex girlfriend now? i guess im not quite sure since you know youre not here but then again you never really broke up either so like honestly im just gonna say girlfriend because saying ex girlfriend makes the situation even sadder.

“So like anyway we spent half the day going around to places you both spent time together at. Im talking date spots, food places, things you liked to do together. I think she wouldve rathered go alone but i didnt feel right letting her go out half in a daze.”

“We went to the park where you two first met. Sat on the ledge of the fountain she pulled you out of, in the exact spot you gave her your number to repay her back for saving you. She didnt say much during the day, just a few words of how the moment you had together went. I think she was reliving it in her head, i cant even blame her.

We then went to the bakery coffeeshop you had your first date at, Chaes favorite one in the city. She ordered her usual, a slice of cake and a milkshake, apparently you two would always share those when you went.

The waiter recognised her and immediately put the order in with a nod, Chae didnt even need to say anything. I got a milkshake too, it was pretty good i can see why you enjoy the place.

Chae ate half the cake, drank half the shake and then left it, said that she was saving it for you. I think part of her still thinks youre here. Like she knows youre not, but she doesn’t want to believe it.”

“Did you know her milkshake came with 2 straws? Maybe the waiter thought id be sharing it with Chae but like i also got my own one so maybe the waiter thought youd be coming too. SHE definitely did. She kept going on about how we couldnt go yet because you werent there yet. It took her half an hour after before she left the cafe. 

Your half of the meal is probably in the bin now, either that or Chae took it home with her. I dont really know, i stepped out and waited in the car. It felt like i was interrupting something. Didnt feel like crying in public either, at least in the car less people would notice.”

Yunjin doesnt say much after that, letting her thoughts take over and enter rumination. Its not until she hears the cheerful chirp of a robin that she snaps out of her reverie, wiping away a stray tear that had began to fall. Clearing her throat she continues to recount her day.

“Ahem uhm we also went to some other places, your favorite ice cream store by the pier, that one ramen place we found on a drunk night out, the tiny photo booth store in the mall with all the goofy accessories. You get the point though, places we made memories at, places where we had fun together. Now we’ll never get to.”

“At the end Chae had me drop her off by this flower garden. Im not quite sure why she wanted to go, she didnt say. She also didnt want me to go with her either. All i know is that theres a big duck pond inside, maybe you would know why. 

And then I came here.” 

Reaching into the bag she brought with her, Yunjin pulled out a medium sized box. Not too big, not too small and placed it on the ground in front of some flowers that were starting to wilt, evident by the dry outer petals and leaves. The box was covered in blue and white lined wrapping paper, topped with a golden ribbon bow and a tagged envelope attached by string. 

“Oh and i brought you a present. Youd probably try emphasise how much you dont need a gift and that just being with you was enough but how could i not? Its your birthday. You and Chae can open it up tomorrow, i wont reveal the surprise just yet. 

I wrote you a card inside too, i know how much you appreciate each one you get. I stumbled upon your box of old cards youve kept. Sorry i didnt snoop too far i promise, i stumbled across it when looking for clothes to steal borrow while you were out oops uh now you know but i got curious and took a lil looksies. Found the one i wrote to you 3 years ago, actually made me cringe i dont know why you kept that. Will also not understand how you managed to keep one from when you were 12 though. Like i cant even remember where i leave things the day of i cant imagine being able to keep something for that long. Real dedication you know.”  

Theres a rustling of leaves in the air as silence stretches on, a slight breeze blowing past making the atmosphere of the graveyard even more chilling than it normally is. 

“You know its funny, she visits you every weekend , half the time probably just to sit in silence, but you already knew that. After all your always here its not like you can leave, no matter how much anyone wishes otherwise.”

Leaning back onto her arms with her hands flat on the ground, Yunjin looks up into the sky wistfully, watching the clouds slowly drift across and a few broken leaves fall down beside her. Its strange how the clouds kinda look like your face a little. 

“She still tells you everything right? Just like before? Ive never seen someone who Chaewon opened up so easily to. You cracked through her angry hardass exterior so easily we didnt even know that was possible. Everyone else had such a tough time trying to connect with her at the start, she was always so standoffish and judgy, in a bitchy way you know? 

Yet you appeared and proved otherwise. Made us feel like fools. Her friends of multiple years outdone by some girl she had met a few days prior, we were all jealous as hell.” 

“But youre not just some girl. Youre yn ln. The yn ln who made Kim Chaewon the happiest girl she could ever be. The love of her life. The one she wanted to marry and spend the rest of her days growing old and wrinkly with. 

Yeah she wanted to marry your dumb gay ass, picked out a ring and everything, i was there when she brought it.”

The plan was to have a beach day with the gang, you love the beach. Spend the day in the sun and surf then at night we would have a bonfire going, roast some marshmallows, eat some smores and then while youd be busy distracted Chae would get down on one knee and propose. There would be flowers on the floor in the shape of a heart, there’d be fireworks to celebrate and light up the sky. It was just like in those cliche tv shows you guys liked to binge together. 

After you said yes, because we all know you would, you two would spend time together on the beach, watching the waves roll in and stares shine bright in the sky. Just the two of you in the best place possible, the company of each other. 

Chae had it all perfectly planned out and it was going to be the best day ever for everyone, not including your wedding day of course, but who knew just 2 days before that, you…well….Yeah.” 

Tears begin to fight their way out of Yunjins eyes, the memory of the news weakening her composure. 

“Chae regrets it so much, that she didnt propse earlier because even if you still had to go, youd still be closer to fully being together. The word girlfriend is weak when compared to ones like fiancée or wife but we all agree you guys were each other’s wives, hell you guys already acted like a married couple with the way you treated each other, the only thing you were missing was the official government title. Theres no denying you guys were great together though, you fit together like pieces in a puzzle.”

“She never told you about any of that did she? I wouldnt be surprised, I dont think she has the heart to tell you. 

Not after it got shattered to pieces when we got the call. It broke her you know? You. Broke her. Though you know that. In fact youre probably beating yourself up for it too, it wasnt your fault.”

Salty water was now flowing freely from Yunjins eyes, the streaks leaving a stinging after effect that started to poke and prod at her face. Temporarily she loses balance as she cleans up the running tears with her sleeve, careful to be weary of her makeup. There was a reason she wore waterproof mascara today. 

“I still see Chaewon holding your engagement rings sometimes. She would fiddle with both of them for a little bit before putting on her one. It would slide into place so smoothly and shed wiggle her fingers and admire the ring as if it was the first time shed seen it. 

It really does look natural on her, sits so well on her finger like it was meant to be. Yours is absolutely beautiful as well, i know youd love it. Maybe one day she’ll let you see it.”

Theres another moment of silence before Yunjin continues, hesitation evident in her voice. 

“I know its probably selfish and cruel to ask of this, but could you do me a favor?” 

“Could you loosen the hold you have over Chaewon? Im not asking you to make her forget, id never wish that for anyone and i definitely dont want to forget you either but please, set her free.”

“We both know shes never really going to, shes too attached, but encourage her to let go a little, tell her that shell be alright even if youre not here physically, let her know that no matter what happens you will always be by her side supporting her. All she ever does now is work, stay home or visit you. I know its not much different from what she did when you were still here but she doesnt even go out anymore. No matter how hard we try. 

We did manage to get her to go on this date with this girl but not even 5 minutes in she ran out crying because all she could think about was you and how being on that date was like betraying and cheating on you. And we both know you hated cheaters. 

It doesnt matter if Chae ever finds a new person or of she stays alone for the rest of her life clinging to your memory, i just need her to be happy. Maybe itll never be the same as it was before, but i cant keep going on seeing her like this. 

She doesnt talk much and she doesnt even cry much anymore, i think shes run out of tears, just sits staring out into space. Its always silence with her now, she doesnt even get angry for fucks sake what happened to our angry cheetah? Shes lost all the fire she ever had in her, its still in there, it has to be. But, im not sure if we will ever see it again.”

Theres a much longer pause now before she speaks again, breaking the sullen silence with an equally solemn tone. Snorts and sniffles accompany her now hoarse voice, the crying between speaking taking its toll. 

“Im sorry for not visiting earlier, i know its been almost 9 months since youve left, but to be honest i couldnt bring myself to come.”

“Its not the same anymore. The group cant do some the things we all used to do together. Anytime you get mentioned Jimin starts crying, Ryu gets mad and starts yelling before she also starts silently crying, she doesnt think we know, Yujin just gets up and leaves without saying anything and Chae just goes still and silent. Its like we cant even talk about you as a group anymore because everyone just goes quiet, trapped in the memories of the past or the moments of what could be.” 

Running her hands through her hair, Yunjin lets out a frustrated gasp of air, clearly not a fan of how things have become. Her eyes closed tightly as if it would suppress the multitude of emotions she was feeling in the moment. If Yunjin had been standing shed be pacing back and forth right now. 

Sigh “Ah its been more than an hour already” she says as she looks down at her phone. “Im really sorry that i have to cut this short, i wouldve been talking to you longer if i hadnt just sat in my car for so long, it really is inexcusable since i haven’t even visited before but im meeting my girlfriends parents for the first time today at dinner. Im quite nervous about it because what if theyre unwelcoming and dont like me? Or what if theyre not open to their daughter dating someone elses daughter? I really hope it goes well.

Oh my god i never told you about her. Im so sorry that i left it to this late to mention something as important as that. Youd be grilling me for details right now if you were here. Her names Kazuha Nakamura, came from Japan. Shes so calm, so so sweet and an absolute angel. She carries herself with so much grace like a princess of royalty but shes so unserious she could never actually be one if she tried. Also really funny without even trying, you two would’ve gotten along so well.”

“Zuhas also really understanding, helped me cope and get through you leaving, one of the main reasons I was able to keep going despite everything actually.”

“I really think it might work out. Hell we met while the wound was still wide open, but she stayed through that anyway and helped patch it up as much as she could.” 

“I really wish you were here to meet her.”

“I miss you. We all do.”

Standing up, Yunjin gives her arms and legs a stretch, brushing off the dirt and debris of her pants. Looking down at the stone slab engraved with your name, a beam of light shining off and blinding the girl through her glasses. She gives you a half hearted smile filled with bittersweet longing, tears still shining in the corners of her eyes.

“Thanks for being our friend, and thanks for listening to me today. It made me feel a whole lot better just talking to you. You were always good at that, lighting up someones day by just being there. No wonder Chae loves you so much.”

“I promise to try visit you more often when i can. Maybe i’ll bring Zuha to meet you too. I know youd want that and im sure shed like to meet you too, even if just once.”

“I wish you were still here.”

“Happy birthday Yn.”

A/N - First angst oneshot, hope its alright. Feedback would be appreciated if there is any :]

[wearentdelulu]

Into you: Jungkook x Fem Reader 🔞💚

Summary: Kook is one of the most popular faceless streamers in Seoul. He’s known for his flirting personality to his fans. Anya is one of them. She develops a crush on him over the last few months of watching him. How would she get his attention? What would he do once he gets it?

Author’s Note: this story does contain mature material and language. Also this story was inspired by (jamjars on AO3. The story 97.6!!!) I hope you all enjoyed :)!!

Chapter One~

“Okay that’s all for today guys, try not to dream about me too much. I’ll come back on tomorrow night so you all better be there. Especially my beautiful ladies….”

………….

“Don’t go? Oh you guys want me to stay on all night? I’m sorry but I need to wash up……unless someone wants to help me with that…” he says in a flirty tone.

He had no reason to sound that hot. It should be illegal. Every night at 6:30pm sharp Anya grabs her phone and sprints to her room to tune on it his stream. He plays these strange horror games and fighting games. She never been interested in video games, her little brother is a video game addict so she’s never cared about it. Until one day she came home from work to visit her parents house. They always begged to see her. Something about “don’t forget where you came from”. Gotta admit they were kinda clingy. After she greeted them she made her way to her brother Aiden’s room. He was sleeping, but his computer monitor was on. She walks in and followed the voice coming from the screen. And that’s when she hear him for the first time……

Kook is a very popular faceless streamer. He never showed his face, but Anya didn’t need to see him to know he was hot. The way his voice sounds in her ear makes her brain tingle. So that day she got Kook’s information and went home to do her own research on him.

Apparently he’s 25 years old and he’s in college just like her. He works out….boxing probably? He’s an extreme flirt and he loves to sing. She only knew this because he would say subtle things about himself that she mentally wrote down. The way he talks to his supporters makes it seem like he doesn’t have a girlfriend but…..who knows maybe he does.

But it wasn’t just about his looks or his voice that made Anya interested in him and his content. It was the he made her feel confident and secure. Anya was a very insecure person, I mean who wouldn’t be when you grew up with your old classmates calling you fat and ugly. Some people are just too cruel with their words. So of course she’s insecure and slightly depressed by the constant reminder of her body. Until Kook gave his viewers some advice on a situation similar to hers.

“Fuck anyone who makes you feel like shit. You’re human just like them who cares if you’re fat or skinny. Be you and be yourself and watch how miserable you’ll make them.”

She’ll never forget that. He’s right and ever since she heard him say that she’s seen life through a different perspective. No more excuses for letting people like that get to her. No more holding back her tongue. No more getting ran over. This was a new Anya. A version that was healing from past trauma and moving forward with her life.

She’s been a fan of Kook’s streams for only about seven months now but she feels like she knew him forever. I know that sounds absolutely insane right? But no seriously she does a lot of things he does on a weekly basis. It’s almost identical to her schedule….well except streaming. They have the same taste in music and love horror movies. He also mentioned that he goes to this gym not too far from where she lives, so does that mean he lives close? What if she seen him before walking home or what if she was next to him in line, but she wouldn’t know what he looks like only what he sounds like…..

She didn’t want to seem like she idolized him in a weird one-sized way. She’d leave the idolizing to Ariana Grande probably one of the most perfect people in the world. Anya’s friends didn’t even notice to subtle change in her behavior and appearance to. Yeah Kook even influenced her to dress differently. Before it was only yoga pants and random shirts with those stupid little words on them like “good vibes” or “keep calm and quiet” some bullshit like that, but now she since she found out that Kook likes the color black and he wears oversized clothing she just had to change up her wardrobe. It was definitely time to. She would wear an oversized black hoodie and a bucket hat…….yeah even in the summer time. Now she’s more comfortable and secure in her appearance.

She try’s to convince herself that her new interests aren’t weird. Following a streamer and basically knowing a lot of things about him made her realize that oh shit she has a crush on him. To be fair she’s been single for almost two years, and she just assumed that she’s a bit touch starved and leaves it at that.

It’s not until on a regular Thursday afternoon she notices the slight change in Kook’s behavior, and it left her feeling very anxious and fidgety. Normally Kook comes on stream with his witty charisma and bundle of energy. He throws in a few flirty remarks and starts the stream up.

“Yoo welcome back to the stream. Mmm look at the comments rolling in. Looks like you guys are needy today huh? Good thing I’m here to….satisfy those needs.”

That’s what Anya is used to, but today something is off. As soon as she got the notification she joined immediately and noticed the slight change in his voice.

“Hey guys welcome to the stream. Today we’re going to finish the last game we played yesterday….”

He sounded tired and annoyed like he didn’t want to stream today. He didn’t read a single comment it’s like he didn’t even look. As Anya chewed on her fingernails in worry she sees the comments talking about the change in his tone. He completely ignores it. In fact he hardly even spoke the whole time. The way he moved in the game looks like he’s dragging it. He’s a sore loser and he’s lost so many times now. One thing about Kook he doesn’t lose. She can hear the occasionally sigh that he lets out and she feels guilty. How can she help? What can she do?

Without thinking she goes through the comments and looks for his mods. He only had a few but he always would say that if we need anything we can ask his mod and they’ll help. She finds a certain mod by the name of JMochi. She’s never messaged a mod before so this all a bit nerve racking for her. She clicks on his name and decides to send a message.

“Hi sorry this is a bit strange but if you can please tell Kook that I hope everything is okay with him. He seems a bit down today and not his normal flirty, energetic self. Maybe I’m just speculating on my part and I’m sorry if I am but I really hope you pass on my message to him. Thank you again.”

Okay that kind of made her feel a bit better. Hopefully he-

JMochi: well hello there looks like someone noticed his behavior.

He replied back? She didn’t think he would and definitely not that fast either. She takes a deep breath and text back.

“Oh hi I didn’t expect a response. Yes I did notice his behavior and I’m a bit concerned. I’ve been a viewer for months now and I’ve never seen him behave his way.”

JMochi: yeah he’s normally not this much of a downer. I’m surprised someone else noticed enough to text me directly. I will definitely pass on your message. Is there anything else you want me to tell him?

She thinks for a moment. There’s so much she wants to say but right now she can surpass her eagerness and just be a supportive fan.

“Also that I’m a fan of his content and I love his streams. He’s amazing and I hope he knows how much of an impact he’s making in other peoples lives.”

JMochi: got it. I’ll let him know. Thanks Anya.

“Wait how do you know my name?”

JMochi: your username is Anya0901 very ironic that those numbers are Kook’s birthday.

Oh no he probably thinks she’s a complete stalker fan who has an obsession with him. This is bad really bad.

JMochi: don’t worry I won’t tell him about your

name I’ll keep it just between us.

She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. That could’ve been worse than she thought.

“Thank you….yes please don’t tell him. I rather be anonymous. But if he asks for a name you can just tell him “A”. That would be appreciated.

JMochi: no problem “A”. Can’t wait to hear more from you.

Anya was freaking out over the text messages between her and JMochi. She didn’t want to come off as a weird stalker fan, speaking of she should change her username immediately. After a few minutes of having a mental breakdown Kook ends his stream without even saying goodbye. She worried about him and hoped that JMochi delivered her message.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ugh fuck this.” Kook says as he comes home from a long day from work. Everyday was pretty shitty but today was the icing on the cake. Kook works at a local Best Buy. In case you didn’t know he’s obsessed with technology and gaming equipment. Despite his asshole of a boss you could possibly say he actually likes his job, but he wouldn’t admit that out loud. To be fair he really doesn’t need a job. Streaming makes him enough money to pay his bills with no problem. And the fact that he’s a faceless streamer makes his audience grow even more.

It didn’t always start off with gaming for Kook. Growing up he was very active and athletic. Basketball, baseball, football, you name it and Kook has probably done it. Playing video games was just a hobby for him. You know coming home from practice just to hop on the game. It was his routine for so long. Since he graduated he had more time to play. His college classes were in the morning, so after classes he’d get on the game. Until one day he decides to make a streaming account. After creating his account he sets up his monitor and presses “go live”. He didn’t feel as confident as he normally did that day so he didn’t turn his camera on, and that’s when the viewers came in.

Kook then realized that he could possibly make a living just by playing video games. His channel grew rapidly over the years and he couldn’t be more happy for himself. The money was definitely a plus. He was able to keep up with the rent for him and his roommate Jimin. They’ve been living together since graduation and for a while it was hard for both of them to keep up with rent, until Kook started streaming.

“You look like shit.” Jimin says as he watches Kook come in the house. Jimin also streams but he’s more of a YouTuber type of guy. You know the ones who do those stupid staged pranks and vlog’s everything except for Kook. Jimin valued his privacy and never put him on camera for his sake.

“Thanks” Kook says not hiding the sarcasm in his voice. “I’m hungry did you cook?”

“What am I? Your wife?” Jimin says sitting on the couch tapping away at his computer.

“Hell no, what kind of idiot would willingly marry you.?” Kook replies looking through the fridge finding anything to eat. They just bought groceries how does the food disappear so quickly?

“You’d be surprised. You should see my DM’s. Women are obsessed with me Kook. Don’t be jealous.”

Kook ignores him.

“Are you streaming? You look extra mad today.”

Kook lets out an annoyed huff. “Work was shitty. My mom called me and told me my brother fell off his bike again. He’s in the hospital but he’s doing good.” He grabs some sandwich meat from the fridge. “It doesn’t make sense. He always does something reckless and leaves me and our parents worried. Not to mention when I got the call I couldn’t go visit him because of all the days of work I missed last week so that ruined my whole mood.”

Jimin looks up from his computer, a hint of concern and sympathy in his eyes. “I’m sorry Kook at least your brother is doing well. It could’ve been worse.”

“I just need to get my mind off of it. I would call Yuna but apparently she’s busy. So yeah streaming it is.” Yuna was Kook’s fuck buddy. They’ve been on and off for over a year now and it’s pretty toxic. When either of them would have the slightest inconvenience, they’ll called each other, fuck for about an hour, then go home. Kook likes to call it his “stress reliever” other than smoking. One thing about Kook he doesn’t do relationships, hell he couldn’t even remember the last time he’s been in one. He’s strictly a fuck-and-go type of guy, and so is Yuna. They made it clear in the beginning that they didn’t

want anything serious and no feelings involved. So he’s used to her being available whenever he needs her, but the fact that she’s “busy” pissed him off even more. He wanted to take his frustration out on her. Fuck her so hard that she couldn’t walk the next morning. Shove her face into the mattress, choke her, spank her, hell sometimes he’d tie her up and pin her to the bed just so he could leave marks and bites on her. But now he’s left with no one at the moment and that makes him even more upset.

“Yuna is hoe you know that right? Shouldn’t you…..I don’t know find someone who doesnt fuck the entire city?” Jimin says.

Why did that make Kook even more pissed. “So what? I don’t care about her.” And he actually meant that. As bad as it sounds he really didn’t care about her. Why should he? She’s didn’t care about him.

“You want me to moderate your stream today? Or you want me to call Taehyung to do it?” Jimin was Kook’s first moderator ever. He’s a great mod, he always makes sure Kook’s streams are doing well and he removes the few hate comments he gets. Also Jimin is the only person who has access to his DM’s. Kook has thousands of messages of horny teenage girls and men. They never seen his face and yet they insist that they should fuck him. He would be lying if he said he didn’t like the attention but over some time it gets weird and uncomfortable. So he trusts Jimin to go through his DM’s to make sure he doesn’t miss out on any brand deals or anything involving his work ethic.

“You do it.” He said bluntly as he walks away, disappearing into his room. He hopes that if he gets to kill some zombies or something that would help with his frustration at the moment. Unfortunately it didn’t. Some viewers noticed the change in his attitude and keep insisting on him to talk about it. What is this therapy? No it’s just a regular stream. His viewers should be more focused on his gameplay more than anything and yet he hasn’t won not one round. All the comments weren’t making him feel better at all and without thinking he ends the stream earlier than he usually does. He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair trying to calm himself down. Today was really a shitty day and the only thing that could take away this frustration temporary is alcohol and smoking.

He takes off his head set and heads for his door, only to be face to face with Jimin. He was smiling. Which made Kook really uncomfortable at the moment.

“What?” Kook says impatiently, mind focused on nothing but alcohol and that damn vape. And Jimin here is delaying the process.

“Looks like you have a secret admirer.” He says in a singing tone. Secret admirer? Of course he does he gets messages like that every day. But right now he didn’t want to hear another story about how a 40 year old virgin is offering to pay him thousands of dollars just to fuck them. He denied that offer by the way.

“Don’t care now move.” Jimin stops him in his tracks. His face calm and collected. Why was he always so persistent. It was a good and bad thing.

“Look at this message.” He pulls out his phone and practically shoves the phone in his face. Kook was this close to shoving Jimin’s face into the nearest wall if he kept this up. But he would that’s the thing. He’d keep going until Kook finally gave in.

Kook took the phone and read the message on the screen. As he read it his frustration was quickly replaced with a pang of gratitude. He can’t remember the last time someone actually cared about his feelings enough to personally message Jimin. And why the hell did it make his heart warm up. Something about the way her words felt so….caring? Kind? Kook didn’t know why the hell a message from this stranger made him feel better than he did moments ago. He tried to hide the slight smirk on his face when he sees the way she praises him.

“Is that a smile I see?” JImin teases. Kook’s smirk immediately dropped. The last thing he needs is for jimin to start gloating like a child.

“Who is this? Oh let me guess she’s either 40 or 14 years old.” Kook says returning the phone and heading towards the kitchen. He completely forgot why he needed to come in here in the first place.

“Nope she’s 24 years old. I might’ve looked her up before telling you about her. Gotta say she’s hot.”

“Cool.” Kook says nonchalantly looking through the fridge for something he can’t quite remember. Those text messages making his mood change slightly. Something inside of him wants to thank her for the kind words, but when has Kook ever done that? Jimin is in charge of the messages he receives and he isn’t the type to just thank someone so casually. Call it cockiness but he’s use to it. Use to getting what he wants and not really dealing with the consequences after. It’s just who he is….who he’s always been.

“Cool, huh?” Jimin mocks. He can read Kook like a book and can tell his mood change after he seen the message. “Okay then I’ll tell “A” you said ‘cool’ after she took the time out of her day to make sure you were alright. Unlike some other people. “Jimin pulls out his phone to type out a message”

“Wait…” Kook says with a sigh. As much as he doesn’t want to admit it Jimin was right. It feels weird to just ignore the kind words from her. “I’ll thank her on tomorrow’s stream okay?”

Jimin grins as if he already knew he’d do that. “I’m proud of you Jungkook. You’re a changed man.”

Kook hasn’t heard someone say his full name in years. Jimin only does that when he’s trying to be childish and immature. And god he hates it more than anything and Jimin knows that. It’s like he gets off to Kook’s anger. He’s fucking weird but he’s also his best friend and he doesn’t trust anyone else other than him and Taehyung.

“Whatever don’t make it seem like I’m just an asshole. I care about my fans who care about me okay?” Kook reaches in the fridge to grab a can of beer and walks back into his room. Once his alone with his thoughts he thinks back to the message from earlier. How can someone care about him when they didn’t even know him. Let alone seen him either. He doesn’t understand yet he’s happy he could at least get out of his shitty mood from earlier today.

He gets on his computer and goes over his assignments for the week. Although he despises school and has a deep hatred for it he does want to graduate and who knows he’d probably get his degree and work for this big tech firm. Maybe he could even convince his brain dead brother to actually take his life seriously. He didn’t want to become one of those strict older brothers who acts like a third parent but Kook’s brother is really reckless and it worries him more than anything. He grabs his phone and decides to call him just to make sure he’s okay and safe.

“Jungkook what’s up?” Junghyun say and he can hear the grin in his voice. “Don’t worry I’m fine I’m better than fine. The doctors here are so hot. I should come more often.”

Idiot. He’s a completely idiot. He’s making it seem as if he’s immoral. What the hell are seventeen year olds doing nowadays anyway? When he was his age he was playing sports and partying, but Junghyun is treating life as if it ends tomorrow.

“You’re an idiot. Do you know how worried our parents are? You’re lucky I’m not there to beat your ass for being so reckless.”

“Awww love you too bro.” Junghyun says with a smile on his face. Kook has his own way to express his love and concern and this was it.

“Whatever just don’t do it again.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next morning Anya walks into her classroom and prepares for her morning lecture. Why the hell did she decide to do tech? She can barely change a light bulb. It’s time to start looking for a new major.

As the classroom starts to fill up with students one in particular catches her eye every morning. He wasn’t a new student, in fact Anya has seen him a couple of times on campus. He sits in the back with a couple of other students. It’s too mediocre to call them “popular kids” but they are. The guy was always dressed in black and wears the same black bucket hat almost everyday. He has an eyebrow and lip piercing which is very hot in Anya’s opinion. No not opinion it’s a fact. His entire right arm was covered in tattoos. Even down to his fingers. It doesn’t take an idiot to see how hot he was. The entire class- no the entire school knew it. Not even just him. He surrounded himself with six other students who were just as hot as he was. She recognized one of them. Jimin is a YouTuber and he films occasionally on campus, but the others she didn’t know. Apparently the hot guys name is Jeon. Well that’s what the professors call him. He’s the typical bad boy but he’s always in class on time and from what she noticed, he one of the highest ranking students in their school. Talk about not judge a book by its cover.

Oddly enough she’s never heard him speak. Not once. He just silently observes. Anya did find him attractive and it was nice to actually attach her feelings to something she’s seen in person before, but Kook was always on her mind. Occasionally…….well not occasionally but she often checks his social media accounts and she listens to the songs he recommends. Apparently he’s not the emo type like how she expected. He likes almost every genre. And she trusted his taste in music. She clicks on his playlist and starts taking her notes trying her hardest not to turn around at her eye candy of a man Jeon.

Kook arrives to class at his normal time and takes his seat in the back. The rest of the guys comes along and start their own conversation. Kook doesn’t talk much during school. He didn’t want to seem like a celebrity but last time he had a conversation with his friends a lot of people recognized him from his stream. He just didn’t want anyone to know. Jungkook and Kook were two completely different people and he wanted it to stay that way. He actually takes his school work seriously because he actually cares about his future. So during the hour and a half of his lecture, he takes notes and his friends whispers about whatever they were talking about and he concentrates on the work ahead. But his mind goes back to that message of “A”. It brought a sense of comfort to him out of nowhere and he didn’t know how to ignore it. So he didn’t….

[undiamas18]

The day I left the park feeling so upset about the situation I experienced with my girlfriend, I realized that I didn't want to be in a relationship where only I showed interest. I couldn't sleep all night.

This situation makes me feel useless and empty, I don't like it, I don't want to feel like this. That's why I made the decision to end things with Meli. Don't judge me, I did it in the early hours of the morning, over the phone and without listening to excuses. I'm sure she wouldn't look for excuses to save this either, maybe she was only staying with me because she didn't know how to end the relationship.

I thought about it for several hours, anxiety kept bothering me, I didn't want to send the message, but finally I worked up the courage and did it.

Meli, I'm sorry. I don't feel capable of continuing with this. I'm sorry I wasted your time, maybe you thought I was a different kind of person. These things happen. Maybe we should have given each other time to get to know each other better before formalizing. I'm sorry about the time and the message, I can't do it in person. Take care of yourself, you don't have to give me back my things, I'll give them to you. A kiss. (Send)

After sending the message my phone rang. It was a call from her. I hesitated a lot to answer her, I thought about blocking her after sending the message but I felt that she deserved for me to answer that call, I was feeling very guilty for breaking up by text.

Meli: (annoyed) Did I understand correctly?! Are you breaking up with me?!

Luke: (nervous) Well, I think we did things too quickly, don't you think? You don't feel comfortable with me, I know. It's too obvious.

Meli: (altered) You wanna know the obvious?! You're so immature and unmanly! You can't just break up with me now! You promised to help me with my end-of-year exams! I've been putting up with your bullshit for two fucking months, now don't give me that shit!

Luke: Is that the only reason you were with me? Why didn't you ask me for help instead of doing all this? I would have helped you.

Meli: Help me then! I'll come to your house tomorrow! But I won't pay you anything! You owe me for the bad time you're putting me through!

Luke: No, I'm sorry. I won't help you. You should have told me before you did this! I'm sorry, I don't want to see you.

After that, she kept insulting me like crazy, so I had to cut off the call and block her.

I sat motionless in bed for a while trying to process what had happened, but it seemed unreal, it just didn't make sense.

I wanted to cry but at the same time I felt that it was not worth crying for a person like that.

Luke: I think I'll go visit my parents this weekend.

Previous

https://www.tumblr.com/undiamas18/773405893288198144/adult-life-is-very-difficult-i-miss-spending-time?source=share

Next

https://www.tumblr.com/undiamas18/773850401438072833/silvi-speaking-quietly-hey-whats-up-with?source=share

[osamusriceballs]

The Accident - Part XIII

Atsumu x fem reader

Warnings: None

Words: ~ 1,4 k

About: Still problems in paradise.

Part I II -> Next Part

7 missed calls from Atsumu Miya

3 new messages on your mailbox

25 new text messages from Atsumu Miya

"Looks like someone's really eager to talk to you," the taxi driver comments when your phone won't stop ringing, but you just snort and finally turn off your phone. "Seems like it, yeah." He raises an eyebrow at your resigned tone but tactfully keeps any further comments to himself, a gesture you appreciate at the moment.

Your whole body feels numb.

You're furious with Atsumu, that's certain. Part of you wants to confront him, ask how he could sink so low as to cheat on his girlfriend – heck, how he could marry you without telling her. Another part just feels sad and disappointed, just wanting to go back home and get some sleep, hoping things will seem better with time. Maybe you'll find out that all of this is just a bad joke, just a misunderstanding. Perhaps she's not his girlfriend – maybe she is someone who misunderstood that he's married and just had no idea that it's you. But why did she claim to have him in the palm of her hand?

You fight back tears and take a deep breath through your nose, thankfully almost home at this point. You won't try to reach out to him. Not after tonight. He'll either contact you tomorrow and explain everything, or you'll not see him again.

xxx

"He hasn't tried to contact you?" Yachi looks at you with sad puppy eyes while she applies a soft pink polish on her nails. You shake your head and hold your cup of tea a bit tighter. The TV quietly plays a movie in the background, something you two don't really focus on right now, especially not since you're finally talking about Atsumu.

"He called a few times during the night, but after that, nothing. Complete silence. I can't even see his profile picture anymore. I think he blocked me." You swallow the heavy lump in your throat at this words. He blocked you. Like you're some kind of obsessed fan or just a nuisance to him.

It's been a week now since it happened. You expected him to at least call again or maybe even visit your apartment after not seeing you for so long, but nothing. He hasn't bothered even giving you the slightest sign of life. But your heart clenched when you saw that he had updated his Instagram profile today with pictures of him at Onigiri Miya's – and you found the strawberry tiramisu that you both had shared the other day among the pictures, you just can't understand why he would do that.

Yachi closes the small lid and looks at you with anger coating her face while she carefully reaches for her phone. "I'll call Hinata and ask—"

"No!" You shake your head energetically, and Yachi lowers her hand. "Please don't bring him into it. It's embarrassing enough that I thought we had something going on." You bury your face in your hand and sigh, and Yachi quickly wraps her arms around you in a comforting way while making sure her fingers don't smudge her polish.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I never thought he was seeing someone. Hinata also had no idea, I guarantee it. He would have told me instantly if he knew. And Kageyama would have told me as well. They will give him an earful once they know."

You smile bitterly but still feel a bit better at the thought of cute sunshine Hinata yelling at Atsumu. "It's okay; it's not your fault. I'll forget about him. Just another year, and then I'll completely cut him out of my life."

You smile weakly, finally returning the hug with the mug still in your hand. It's time to forget about him. You'll see him in about a year, and that will be the last time. You'll make sure of that.

"Before I forget, Hinata asked if you received the cards for the Olympics match. You don't have to go, but if you want to, he'd be glad for you to come. He really likes you."

"I'll think about it. It's in a few weeks, right? I don't know if I want to see Atsumu so soon again. But maybe for some sort of closure?" You pull back and look at her with furrowed brows, and she nods at your words.

"I get it. But I'm still really disappointed in him. I really thought he's a good guy."

"Me too." You smile sadly, thinking about the pretty woman in the elevator, feeling a pang in your heart.

A part of you is still longing for him. He makes you feel good, he makes you feel desirable and beautiful. He makes you feel like you matter to him, like you're having a part of his heart. Yet, he hasn't told you about that woman, and it makes you feel dirty. The fact that he hasn't reached out after that night is enough to make you want to forget him and erase any foolish hope that this is just a misunderstanding. It's bitter reality.

You just need to make it clear to your heart that Atsumu Miya is no longer part of your life.

xxx

"Samu, she hates me."

"Yeah, and she has every reason to."

Osamu sighs as he watches Atsumu, a big pathetic clump of sadness practically lying on his counter. Atsumu is in no condition to drive home, and Osamu is well aware of that, already planning to drive to his apartment before he can finally go to his own bed. Since that incident a month ago, Atsumu has become unstable, getting drunk every other night, setting up a dangerous routine. Knowing he has an important match coming up doesn't stop him. Volleyball, always his top priority, now takes a back seat to his misery. Not even Bokuto can cheer him up, and Hinata is suspiciously avoiding him. He suspects Yachi finally told him what happened, though Hinata hasn't mentioned it.

"I even posted a pic of me being here tonight. She didn't come."

"You post pictures of being here almost every night. You can't tell me you expected her to come after parting like that? And you know that there's still the chance that she met her on her way downstairs." Atsumu sighs, slowly lifting his head at Osamu's sharp response. His face is red, eyes red-rimmed – a side effect of the alcohol. He looks horrible, and it actually pains Osamu to see him like this.

"Shut it. I'll call her. I got a new number today. I can call her now; I was just waiting for the right moment."

Osamu hesitates but decides it might be good for Atsumu to finally reach out, after being unable to do so during the past few weeks. Doubtful you'll answer, it's late after all, but maybe when you listen to the whole story and if Atsumu does a lot of groveling and explaining- then maybe you two still have a chance. Osamu still has no idea what kind of fate brought the two of you together, but he is certain that you'd make a great couple. If only his twin had a few more brain cells and a bit more luck.

Atsumu has finally managed to find your contact and started a call, which got directed to your mailbox after a few moments. He clears his throat and straightens his posture before he begins to talk, almost looking like his usual self.

"Y/N? It's me, Atsumu. I know it's been a while, but I'm sorry for everything. I couldn't call or text, but I miss you." He sighs and covers his eyes. "I miss you a lot, actually, I've been thinking about you every day ever since that night. I know it's all kind of messed up, but I can explain everything. Please, just let me. Please, y/n. I don't... don't want to lose you." Atsumu takes a deep breath and ends the call, his hands slightly shaky now.

"That was... corny." Osamu cringes, wiping the counter and putting Atsumu's beer aside.

"That's it – my last try of reaching out to her. If she's not answering, I'll just let her go." Atsumu's words are a bit slurred, but Osamu still gets it. He prays you'll listen – or else he'll be in trouble.

xxx

You wake up to a missed call and a message on your voicemail from an unknown number. Probably spam.

Without thinking twice, you delete the message.

[mimisempai]

You're the only light in my blurry world 6/10

Chapter summary

With some time on his hands, Crowley decides to pay Aziraphale a surprise visit.

But he's the one in for a surprise.

Who is this stranger acting so familiar with Aziraphale?

Is there storm on the way?

On Ao3

Rating G - 2907 words

Masterpost for this fic : here

Crowley was gathering the materials he'd used for his presentation when a gentle knock at the door made him look up.

It was the head of the planetarium's education department.

"Hello, Crowley, I came to inform you that we had to close the main amphitheater due to a technical problem, so there will be no sessions this afternoon."

Crowley nodded and asked, "What am I supposed to do instead?"

The manager shook his head and replied, "You have the afternoon off. Since you've been working here, attendance has increased significantly. You've earned it."

"Glad to know that, thank you."

"I'm the one thanking you. Have a good day and see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow."

Crowley finished packing his things and then left the planetarium, wondering what he would do with his afternoon.

Maybe he could do some drawing.

That made him think of Aziraphale.

He took out his phone to read their last conversation, which made him smile again.

I'm looking forward to Thursday. 

PS: You're even more beautiful after being kissed. 

xx  

C. 

Send at 11:15 am 

Don't send me messages like that anymore! 

I had to explain to Maggie and Nina (his girlfriend) 

why I was blushing. 

Received at 2:05 p.m. 

Oh, what did you tell them? 

Sent at 2:06 pm 

The truth, of course. 

That it was because of a message from my boyfriend. 

(I hope you don't mind me telling them) 

Received at 2:07 pm 

It hadn't been hard, knowing Aziraphale's history with James, his ex-boyfriend, to understand that he was worried about Crowley's reaction to talking openly about their new relationship. So even though he couldn't call him because he was at the planetarium, Crowley had written back immediately to reassure him.

Of course I don't mind. 

You can shout it from the rooftops. 

Even put an ad in the paper. 

No, even better! You can put up a poster 

in your bookshop.  

It would say: "I, Aziraphale Fell, am dating the  

gorgeous Anthony Crowley." 

Sent at  2:11 pm

At least it would help me get rid of  

customers who might flirting with me. 

Received at 2:13 pm 

Crowley remembered the overwhelming feeling of jealousy that had come over him when he'd read this.

All the more reason to make this poster. 

Right now. 

Sent at 2:14 pm

Possessive? 

Received at 2:15 pm 

Crowley couldn't deny it, but he also didn't want to upset his lover in the early stages of their relationship, so he had been slow to find an appropriate response to send. That's why he had received a second message from Aziraphale after the previous one.

I like it. 

I'm seriously considering doing this poster now. 

;-) 

Received at 2:17 pm 

The exchange of messages continued in this playful tone until Crowley returned to work. 

Closing his phone as he reached his car, Crowley sighed, realizing that he missed Aziraphale and that it was hard to believe he'd have to wait another 48 hours before seeing him again.

Wait. He had the afternoon off. 

Why should he wait? The only commitment he had was a meeting later that evening.

He knew now what he would do this afternoon.

He was going to visit a bookseller who wasn't expecting him.

So, half an hour later, he parked his Bentley at the end of the street and quietly made his way to the bookshop at the corner.

Moments later, he walked past the window and, turning his head to see if Aziraphale was inside, saw him and another man.

Crowley immediately sensed that this was no ordinary customer.

He slowed his pace, keeping a discreet lookout, then saw Aziraphale shake his head. The other man put his hand on his arm, and when Crowley saw Aziraphale back away, he had to stop himself from rushing into the bookshop. Then he saw the man nod and walk away from Aziraphale. 

Just as Crowley reached the door, the man, who was handsome, stepped out and turned to say Aziraphale inside the bookshop, "I won't make the same mistake, Zira. I've changed."

Zira?  

Then he waved a small pendant he wore around his neck and added, "Now you'll always recognize me, thanks to this."

I don't need a pendant for him to recognize me.  

Crowley waited until the man with the pendant had disappeared around the corner, then took a step toward the door.

"Crowley? "

Crowley froze as he recognized the voice and turned to say in a harsh tone, "What the hell are you doing here? Are you following me?"

"Hey, is that any way to talk to your father?"

Crowley shook his head and replied, "You are not my father. You lost the right to call me your son the day you ran off and emptied the accounts, leaving us with nothing."

He felt nothing but loathing for the man before him. 

He remembered his mother's tears when she'd tried to excuse him, then when she'd run out of arguments. He remembered her drawn features and all the evenings he'd spent alone at home because of the jobs she'd had to pile up to support them. Never complaining. Always trying to give him the best. 

No, this man was not his father.

"You didn't answer my question, were you following me?"

The man in front of him looked at him and sneered, "No, I was having a beer in the pub across the street and what a surprise to see my dear son through the window. Look at you. Things seem to be going well for you. Life is not so hard, it seems. Do you have a small bill for your poor father?"

Crowley felt the anger that had been building inside him since the beginning of the conversation about to explode, so he clenched his fists and tried to control himself.

The other man continued, "Oh, come on, you seem to be doing all right for yourself, and besides, I'm sure that rich father-in-law your mother sold herself to must be spoiling you..."

Crowley grabbed the man by the neck and angrily shouted, "Say that again!"

"Crowley."

The soft voice made him turn his head and Crowley saw Aziraphale raise a hand toward him as he advanced.

His lover repeated softly, "You'll regret it if you do that."

Crowley slowly released the man and Aziraphale came to stand in front of him, between him and his so-called father.

"Sir, I must ask you to leave immediately. You are harassing a very dear friend, and if you continue, I won't be as nice as I seem."

"I advise you to listen to him."

It was Nina who had just arrived, accompanied by Maggie, who continued, "I have a friend who's a cop and owes me a favor, I can call him and he'll be here in a minute."

Crowley's father tried one last bravado and took a step toward Aziraphale, saying, "Are you threatening me?"

"You're the threat, we're just protecting someone we care about."

Crowley felt Aziraphale's hand slide down his arm and grab his own, squeezing it tightly.

Crowley's father grumbled, and as he turned to go back to the pub, Aziraphale added, "I would suggest not going back there, the owner is also a friend. To be clear, this is our street and you're persona non grata."

"You!"

Maggie waved her hand.

"Bye-bye!"

Crowley's father had no choice but to leave and Crowley watched him until he disappeared around the corner, then, his hand still in Aziraphale's, he turned to the small group and whispered, his throat tightening, "Thank you all."

Maggie approached, then hugged him briefly and said quietly, "You're welcome. Thanks to a certain bookseller, you're part of our little family here. And no one messes with one of our own."

Then she turned to Nina, who nodded in agreement before they both walked off in the direction of the coffee shop.

"Come on, Crowley, come with me."

In a daze, Crowley let Aziraphale lead him into the bookshop. He watched as he hung a small sign on the outside of the door before double locking it.

"Now we're safe."

Crowley let himself be dragged to the sofa where Aziraphale made him sit before saying softly, "I'll be right back."

Crowley saw him off to the back of the bookstore, realizing that he hadn't taken the time to look at Aziraphale's place the last time he was here. He gave a small smile because everything was so much like him. An eclectic mix of old things and books everywhere, but what stood out most was a feeling of warmth and comfort.

He sighed.

It was so welcome after what he'd just been through.

He felt bad for losing his temper and making a spectacle of himself.

What had Aziraphale been thinking?

"Here, drink this. It'll make you feel better."

Lost in thought, Crowley hadn't heard Aziraphale return and looked up at his lover handing him a steaming mug.

Crowley took it and inhaled before saying with a half-smile on his lips, "Hot chocolate? I'm not a kid."

Aziraphale sat down beside him and replied, "I know it calms me down after a stressful situation, so I thought..."

"I was just messing with you. Thanks, that's very thoughtful of you."

He blew on the chocolate and continued, looking embarrassed, "Look, I'm sorry about before. I know I never should have lost my t-"

"Stop that right now!"

Crowley looked at Aziraphale in surprise as his lover shook his head before continuing, "You don't have to apologize. The only one who needs to apologize is your father."

"Please don't call him that. Besides, how do you know it's my-"

Aziraphale replied quietly, "I overheard part of the conversation. Crowley, you had every right to be angry after the horrible things he said, and if I intervened, it wasn't for him, it was for you. Only for you."

Crowley took a sip of chocolate and replied, "Thank you, because I think I would have come to blows with him. I guess I owe you some explanations, I-"

Aziraphale interrupted him again and said quietly, "You don't owe me any explanations. Only if you feel like talking about it."

Crowley replied, "I do. I need to."

Aziraphale gently placed his hand on Crowley's knee and said softly, "Then I'll listen. Whenever you want. Whenever you're ready."

Crowley first emptied his cup of chocolate, then set it down before placing his hand on Aziraphale's and squeezing it tightly. 

Then he told him about his childhood, how his father had left him and his mother, the difficult consequences, but also how his mother had done everything she could to give him a happy childhood, and she had succeeded. He told him how she and her boss had fallen in love a few years ago.

"I know it's a cliché, the secretary and the boss. But nothing my f- this man implied was true. She didn't do it for the money. She even resigned, against her soon-to-be lover's advice, when they decided to be together, to avoid the rumors, and she found a job elsewhere, on her own, and only then did she agree to go out with him. She's not-"

Aziraphale said reassuringly, "Hey, you don't have to justify anything. I'm sure your mother is a wonderful woman. You just have to know her son to know that."

Crowley blushed slightly and continued, "Anyway, they got married and five years ago I got a little sister, Sarah."

"Ohhh you have a little sister!"

Aziraphale's emboldened interruption made Crowley smile and he replied, "Yes, and even though she's a little brat, I adore her."

As he spoke, Crowley realized he'd like to introduce his sister to Aziraphale; he had a feeling the two of them would get along perfectly.

Wow wow wow, stop, they hadn't even had their first date and he already wanted to introduce him to his family.

"By the way, what are you doing here?"

His lover's question came at just the right moment.

"I wanted to surprise you."

He chuckled and added, "And I was the one who was surprised."

More than once, in fact, Crowley thought, remembering the other man who'd been in the bookshop when he'd arrived.

As if Aziraphale had read his mind, he said with a half smile, "Well, looks like it's surprise visit day."

Crowley asked innocently, "Oh, yeah?"

Aziraphale nodded and replied, "Yes, I had a visit from... James."

Crowley s'exclama, "James as in James your ex-boyfriend?"

Aziraphale nodded again.

"You mean that handsome guy who came out of your shop earlier was James?"

"You saw him?"

"I arrived just as he was leaving. What did he want with you?"

Aziraphale began to play with a thread from his shirt sleeve and replied, "Well, he wanted us to make up. He said he wanted to make an effort to understand me..."

Crowley interrupted coldly, "And since you're nice, you agreed, didn't you?"

"No, of course not, you idiot!"

"No?"

Aziraphale replied, looking irritated, "Is that what you think of me? That just because he comes crawling back, I'm going to forgive him and we're going to go back to the way things were? I'm telling you again, you idiot, I chose you. There isn't even a choice, you're my first choice. You're the one I am i... I mean, you're the one I want to be with."

Crowley replied, "But as he was leaving, he said this thing about thinking about it again, he even had this pendant that you could recognize him."

Aziraphale sighed and replied, "He talked about being friends. After I made it clear that I had someone in my life now who made me much happier than he did, he suggested we stay friends, but I said no, I'm not ready for that. Especially not now that I know what it's like to have real friends who won't let you down in a hard time."

"You said I make you happy?"

Aziraphale nodded and Crowley insisted, "But how? We barely know each other. I mean, you make me happy too, but..."

The bookseller smiled tenderly and replied, "What can I say? That my heart beats faster knowing I'm going to see you soon, that it beats faster when my phone vibrates in my pocket because I hope it's a message from you, that there's not an hour of the day I don't think about you, that I really want to tell everyone I have a lover, that Maggie told me she's never seen me glow like this. Crowley, these last few days, just thinking about you has made me happier than I've been in a long time. None of the memories I have with James thrill me the way every memory with you does. And I know that we're just getting started. That there's a lot we don't know about each other. But one thing I'm sure of is that I'm in this for the long haul. Crowley, I don't know how to convince you, but..."

"Stop, you convinced me, Aziraphale, you convinced me."

With those words, Crowley leaned forward and pressed his lips to Aziraphale's in a kiss that had nothing to do with the brief kiss they had shared on the doorstep the day before. There was no hesitation as they tested the sensation of their lips pressed together. No hesitation in the way Aziraphale's mouth opened to welcome Crowley's tongue. No hesitation in the way their breath mingled. No hesitation in the way Aziraphale's hands buried themselves in Crowley's hair to deepen the kiss.

No hesitation as it went on and on until they were forced to catch their breath.

Gasping, Aziraphale pulled away just enough to raise his fingers to Crowley's face, following the line of his jaw, studying his lover's face. He saw in Crowley's gaze the same sense of longing to continue the kiss, but also the fear of ruining everything by rushing in.

Crowley asked, his voice a little hoarse with the same emotion Aziraphale could feel in himself, "Are you okay?" 

Aziraphale, far too moved to answer aloud, simply nodded.

Crowley, concerned, asked, "Do you want us to slow down a bit?"

Aziraphale, confused by all the emotions running through him, replied, "No, yes, I... I don't know."

Crowley laughed lightly and said, "I know, me too." 

He planted a light kiss on his lover's lips and continued, "That's a lot of emotions in a few hours. For both of us."

He wrapped his arms around Aziraphale's shoulders and pulled him to his chest, leaning back against the sofa.

"Let's keep it that way for now. We've got time."

Aziraphale nodded, immediately realizing that this was perfect and exactly what he needed.

After a moment he laughed softly and said playfully, "We still haven't had our first date."

"Well, we do things a little differently."

Aziraphale replied, "Look around, order isn't really my way of life."

Crowley pressed a kiss to his hair and replied softly, "I like it the way it is.

I like you. 

He wrapped his arms around his lover, who snuggled even closer.

They spent the rest of the afternoon like this, savoring this new intimacy together, aware that they had overcome new obstacles and emerged unscathed.

Both knew exactly how they felt, even if they weren't ready to put it into words.

They had time.

_________

Still not beta'd

Still not my native language

Still hoping you'll enjoy this story  🥰

Still thanking you for bearing with me 😝

Ineffable Husbands masterlist : here 

[lovevalley45]

#fictober24 - day nine

"Is this normal?"

fandom: dc's legends of tomorrow

word count: 815

a/n: just in case it wasn't clear, zee is zari 1.0 and zari is zari 2.0... having characters who are literally the same person from different timelines is so confusing for modern AUs!!

Astra had heard enough about the Tarazis to know she would be in over her head when they invited her to dinner. 

"You'll love them," Behrad told her. "Nate and Zee are great." 

"Right. I'm sure I will." She'd grown up an only child, and certainly not with a pair of twin older sisters who were different in every way - aside from looking eerily identical, that was. Astra had met Zari Tarazi - the Zari Tarazi, influencer and surprisingly easy to get along with - a few times, since she also lived in California. 

But Zee and Nate lived in Seattle, doing whatever a white-hat hacker and historian did to keep themselves busy. Visits from them could be rare, which meant she hadn't yet met the third Tarazi sibling.

That changed tonight. 

As they walked up the steps of Zari's mansion, Astra was more worried than she thought she'd be. What if they hated her on principle? What if Zari had made too many jokes about her being Behrad's sugar mama and they'd think he deserved better?

Behrad knocked on the door before she had too much time to spiral. They barely had to wait before the door swung open to reveal a buff white man with too much hair gel and a giant smile. '

"Nate, buddy!" Behrad opened his arms wide for Nate to give him a hug. 

Astra raised her eyebrows. "Should I be jealous?" 

"Maybe," he admitted, pulling away. "Nate, this is Astra. My girlfriend." The way he grinned, both wide yet sheepish, made her feel all warm inside. "Astra, this is Nate." 

"Hey." Nate held out a hand - thankfully not going in for the hug. "B's told me all about you." 

Astra had also heard a lot about Nate: he had a PhD in history and the random facts up his sleeve to prove it, that he used to be Behrad’s stoner buddy before he moved to be closer to Zee, but most importantly, that he was a giant sweetheart. She didn't doubt that last point as she shook his hand. "It's nice to finally meet you." 

“Ooh, strong handshake,” he said. “Come on in, Zee and Zari are in the kitchen reportedly getting together some snacks for us to munch on while we let B do the real cooking.” 

“Tell me; why didn’t we just host this at my apartment again?” Astra asked, following him inside.  

“Because you hate having company,” Behrad said. 

That was true. It wasn’t that she hated having people in her space, it was - actually, it was exactly that. 

“Better than your place,” Nate teased, with a shrug. 

“Hey, I clean,” he said. “My kitchen is spotless.”

“And your bathroom?” Astra asked. 

Behrad spun on his heel towards the kitchen. “Let’s see how Zee and Zari are doing, shall we?” 

Nate turned to Astra with a conspiratorial grin. “Been that way since we were roommates.” 

She shuddered. “I hope you’ve improved your quality of living since then?” 

“Yeah. Helps when I’m living with the Tarazi sibling who sheds the least.” 

Behrad had beat them to the kitchen by the time they came in, right at the heart of… whatever siblings got up. Zee was sitting on the counter, taking nuts from the snack tray Zari was trying to assemble as their brother puttered around the kitchen. The three of them were too busy to notice Nate and Astra approaching the doorway.

“Seriously, how am I supposed to prep dinner when you’re both all in my space?” Behrad was asking. 

“Don’t mind B, he’s just nervous about us making a good impression on his little girlfriend,” Zari told Zee. “Stop stealing my almonds.” 

“No one else is gonna eat them,” she said. “It’s gonna be fine. We won’t scare her off.” 

Zari pulled the snack tray out of Zee’s reach. “You sure you aren’t going to hit her with the ‘if you hurt my brother, I’ll kill you’ routine?”

She stretched over to try and snag another almond. “I thought you had that covered.” 

Behrad turned from where he had looped an apron over his nice clothes. Astra was momentarily distracted by how hot and domestic he looked in an apron to miss what he was saying, only catching, “...so embarrassing, oh my God.” 

Zee jumped off the counter. “We’re your older sisters. That’s what we do.” 

Zari turned to face him, pinching his cheek. “Yeah, B.” 

“Seriously, guys-” He tried to push Zari away gently, but soon found himself dogpiled by the twins. 

“Is this normal?” Astra whispered to Nate. 

“Totally.” He sized her up. “You an only child?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Me too. It takes some getting used to.” Nate patted her shoulder. “Welcome to the family.” 

As he stepped forward to join in the joshing, Astra smiled to herself. She was definitely in over her head with this bunch. But she found she didn’t mind it too much.

[petri808]

7/29/23 Fears prompt @allaboutnalu for Nalu Week 2023

Levy gently places her hand over her best friends, coaxing her to relax. “Try not to worry and have a little fun tonight Lucy, we’re celebrating your freedom.” The two women are at their favorite bar to drown their stress in alcohol, music, and maybe some eye-candy but who’s gonna snitch? It is a comfortable place that they’ve been coming to since their college years, and since they know some of the employees, they even get drinks for free sometimes.

“I can’t help it,” Lucy sighs. “Everything’s still so fresh,” she absentmindedly reaches up and touches her left cheek below her eye where it was punched a week ago. Thankfully, the bruising has gone down and it’s just tender still. This is the first time in probably a year that she’s been to this bar or really spent the night out just with her girlfriends because of her ex’s controlling behaviors. “Dan just won’t leave me alone. I’ve even seen him driving past my job or home like he’s keeping tabs.”

Lucy Heartfilia has just gotten out of an abusive relationship with her ex-boyfriend Dan. It started out like so many domestic abuse situations where they are perfect gentlemen, sweet talking, and romantic, but slowly and surely the psychological manipulation began. Guilt-tripping her when she wanted to hang out with her friends or visit her own family. Making excuses for why he wanted to drive her to and from work. Throwing tantrums when he didn’t get his way, verbally berating, or making rude comments about her appearance only to switch gears and be extremely apologetic. Dan would tell her he’d commit suicide if she left him, and so the guilt also kept her from leaving for fear that he might actually go through with it. Of course, it’s all a trap, to lure her back in emotionally and make her feel like things will get better.

It was always that hope of change that she hung onto as the cycle repeated itself again and again. Abuse and repentance. But there’s only so much someone can take, and thankfully for Lucy she has the support of a best friend that will not let her fall. Yeah, it’s great to be free, but there is always the sense of fear and dread when she must walk outside alone, like when she’s leaving her apartment building or office, or even shopping at the store. What if Dan makes good on his threats? She’s never been such a nervous person before that it’s sad how one bad relationship can leave a person tainted for the rest of their lives.

“Did you go to the court house to apply for the restraining order?” Levy queries.

“I did.” Lucy responds. “The process server is supposed to serve him tomorrow.”

“Good,” Levy responds with an approving nod. “Then if that bastard comes near you, the cops can throw him in jail!” She looks around to see if the server’s nearby before standing up. “I’m gonna run to the restroom, if the server comes by can you order me another drink?”

“Yeah, sure,” Lucy smiles. “I’ll make sure to.”

With the music an even tempo of soft alternative and pop, nothing to dance or too lively, it lulls the listeners into a pleasant mood. Lucy really misses coming to this ambient atmosphere after a hard week of pursuing and writing articles instead of going home to an unhappy relationship. If only… Her eyes narrow in towards the front entrance, widening in a flash as she sees Dan step through the threshold.

“Shit!” She grits her teeth and scoots down in the booth. “I knew it!” Lucy just knew he’d likely come looking for her since he knew this is a favorite hang out spot.

Lucy scans the room, eyes flitting around for a way to avoid being caught by him. She can’t get to the front door because it’ll take stepping into the open for him to grab her, and she rather not get trapped in the restrooms... Maybe, she keys onto the bar counter… maybe if she can get to the bartender she’ll at least have an ally to help her. Using the columns and darker areas along the walls, Lucy weaves through other patrons towards the bar counter.

“Lucy!”

Her body stiffens at the familiar angry voice and cringes when she sees Dan yelling and waving frantically while he picks up his pace. No, no, no! As he pushes through the crowd, Lucy sprints the final few feet and grabs onto the first guy sitting alone at the counter. Pink-hair, taller and fit wearing a nice buttons down business shirt and slacks like he just got here from an office. Under other circumstance she’d be ogling the guy not crashing his evening. “Hey babe!” She weaves her arm around his solid bicep. “Sorry I’m late!” Lucy leans close and whispers through a gritted smile, her eyes desperately focused and appealing. “Please play along!”

Just as Dan reaches them, the male who’s eyes at first startles from the intrusion, quickly catches the hint and pulls Lucy in, planting a kiss on her cheek, and all the while side-eyeing the other male. “It’s fine baby, I just got here too.”

“What the fuck!” Dan forcefully grabs the strangers shoulder and pushes while reaching for Lucy’s arm, but the stranger sweeps Lucy aside out of Dan’s way, further enraging him.

Placing Lucy behind him, the stranger stands up from the bar stool and holds his hand up to Dan’s chest without actually touching him. “What the fuck is right!” The pink-haired male menacingly narrows his gaze. “I suggest you back off buddy, I don’t give a damn who you are, but the lady clearly doesn’t want anything to do with you!”

“This ain’t your problem, asshole, she’s my girlfriend!” Dan spits back.

“No, I’m not!” Lucy screams as tears trickle down her cheeks. “You abusive bastard, I’ve got a restraining order on you so leave me alone! We’re done!”

Dan ignores both their statements and makes another lunge to reach for Lucy, but the stranger open palm pushes at Dan’s chest, forcing him to stagger back a foot or two. “Leave!” The stranger snaps, growling his words. “She’s my girl now, and if you keep harassing her I’ll make you sorry!”

At the strangers confirmatory words, Dan roars and lunges at the man who sidesteps and retaliates with an uppercut to his stomach, knocking the wind out of Dan who crumples to the floor coughing. Just as Dan tries to get to his knees, the bouncers are now there and grab him by his shoulders, one on each side they start pulling him away as he continues to shout profanities.

It’s over.

Lucy slumps against the bar top, leaning on it to stop from falling as the adrenaline rushing through her body begins to wane. “Thank you,” the words trickle out in a soft tone laced with held back tears. “Thank you sir, thank you so much,” Lucy repeats over and over.

“Lu!” Levy also finally manages to break through the gathered crowd and rushes to her friends side, pulling the blonde into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here!”

“It’s over, Levy,” Lucy gently sobs a mixture of elated relief. “Thanks to this nice man here.” Now that she can breathe easier, she realizes this stranger is even cuter than she originally noticed. He has gorgeous green eyes that sparkle in the disco-type lights panning the room. The man’s smile also conveys a happy lightness that pulls you in deeper and wanting for more. She feels a bit of warmth brewing over her cheeks, but could anyone blame her after such a harrowing save by this hero?

Levy turns to the stranger while still holding her friend. “I’m Levy, and this is my bestie Lucy.” Her head tips to the side and eyes flit to the front door to accentuate the who. “That guy’s been stalking my friend, so thank you so much for helping her! He might’ve kidnapped her if he got to her.”

The stranger smiles. “It’s nice to meet you both, and don’t worry, I’m happy to help out a pretty lady in need. I’ve dealt with a lot of dumbasses over the years, so I’m used to it.”

“I bet,” Levy chuckles. “It’s a nice reminder that good guys still exist.”

Here they are chatting like old friends yet they don’t even know his name. Lucy pulls away from Levy to finish wiping away the remaining tears and clean herself up. “So, what’s you name sir?” She finally smiles genuinely. “Is there anything I can do for you, perhaps buy you a drink to thank you?”

The man pulls out a card holder and hands Lucy a business card. “Detective Natsu Dragneel at your service,” he smiles and winks. “A drink is fine, but what I’d really like is your number and to take you out to dinner if you’re up for it.”

A surprised gasp lets out as Levy looks to see Lucy’s face turning cherry red. Having known each other for years, she knew exactly what her best friend is thinking. “Yes!” Levy squeals while pushing Lucy closer to the man. “She’d love to!”

“Levy!”

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2023 Irma's leaving tomorrow as that's when the new guy moves in. Very nervous about what we're in for! Please God, Goddess, guardian angels, ancient ancestors - anyone - no barking, loud engines, or power tool obsessions!

She asked me to pray that she and Richard have a safe journey up to Canada and I said I would even though I'm still not sure I believe in that. I just didn’t tell her that part of it.

I asked for an update on the meeting she was supposed to have had with the new owner this morning, but I haven't gotten anything. If it wasn't for the fact that she doesn't appear to have been online, I would be worried that she learned something she hesitates to tell me because she knows I'm not going to like it. I reckon, however, that she's very busy this evening with her last-minute packing. I'm sure it's a pretty emotional time for them too. They sold the place because they're getting too old, not because they wanted to despite missing their grandkids.

Saw a tall skinny guy pull up in front of next door in a white convertible when they were out. He walked up their driveway (I couldn't see what he did) and then got back in the car. I'm guessing that might have been the realtor.

Anyway, I'm trying to remind myself that most people here don't have dogs, most don't have motorcycles, and most don't make a career out of playing with power tools either. Well, except for the house down the street. If they can afford to hire someone to do this much work for them why not just get a new place?

Again, I'm trying not to worry. I'm surprised by how fast the house sold. I really thought I would have a year or so before it did. Something wants me to hurry up and quit worrying because the new neighbor is quiet, or they're not and it's anxious to throw the bad neighbor curse back on me. A single male is the worst neighbor to get. At least if he was married or had a girlfriend they would be doing things together at times. But what does a single retired guy with all kinds of time on his hands have better to do than entertain himself with some very annoying toys? Then again, Steve has a GF and I know I would want to throttle him if he was next to us. He was blasting music and had his usual loud friends visiting. At this distance, I don't mind, though. Especially with things running. If the AC and fans were off along with air cleaners then I might hear something every now and then.

I just hope this guy isn't as sociable and doesn't bring the same shit in front of his place with these houses being so close! I don't want to have to worry about being woken up and I don't want to be driven crazy while I'm awake either.

I woke up kind of tired yesterday because I forgot to lower the temperature in here so I woke up warm a few times. I knew those few nights of good sleep and feeling more energetic were going to run out on me soon enough anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a while before I slept well again. I don't tend to sleep as well on the schedule I'm on now. I'm tired today too, but not quite as much. I was able to scrub the bathroom down, even though it took the wind out of me.

I wonder why I haven't been hearing from Jessie as much lately. Anytime I ask how things are going she either ignores the question or just says they're okay. I wonder if she thinks I'm lying about communicating with her son. I can only tell her the facts, though, if that's what's going on. I think she either misunderstood or perhaps Wyatt has another friend with my name. If not, then her kid has a problem. Why else would he say we've been in touch if that's what he really said?

Not surprisingly, Jess said she hears things at her place too, but nothing too horrible.

When I used the ECG earlier, there was a double beep as if my heart beat twice in the space of time it usually beats in but it said no abnormalities were found.

It's been nice getting to know a little more about people who have been around a while but are quiet. Who knows, maybe she and I will even get to be damn good friends someday, even if I can't imagine that, lol. I don't have a problem with an age difference. I used to prefer people my own age but as long as they're over 18, honest, and not dumb and immature I'll be anyone's friend.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2023 It was a good day today, although there is some potentially bad news. First, I noticed someone was selling Color Street nail strips at the yard sale yesterday for nearly half of what they go for online. So after exchanging messages about it, Tom and I went over there at 5:00 this afternoon. There I met Arlene and her daughter, Linda, and their friend Joey (a woman, even though she has a man's name) who also lives in the park. Linda doesn't live here, though. We sat out in their lanai and chatted for about a half hour.

Linda had a whole box of Color Street nails. She probably had close to 100 packs. Many were duplicates, though. Although they usually sell for about $14 online, she was selling most of them for $6 and some for $9. I got two of the $6 sets and one $9 set. They are absolutely stunning! They're easier to apply than regular strips, they last longer than regular strips, and also unlike regular strips, you can't just peel them off. It's like having an instant gel manicure. I learned that from the free set I once got for signing up for something.

I have Hiss and Make Up on now. It's a snake design with wavy multi-colored glittery stripes with a black background. The other two sets are silver glitter and purple glitter. The purple one has larger specs of glitter.

I shared a picture of my beautiful nails with the group and Linda told me to let her know if I ever want anymore. It doesn’t bother me, but it's kind of funny how many people misspell my name on Facebook, even though it's right there in front of them.

I guess Toni got one of the sets I got or something similar. These are so gorgeous that I put them on my big toes as well and then polished the rest with a color that matched. I'm going to have major nail damage, but it's worth it! I can't seem to polish or sticker up my nails for long before I get fungus. I still have the lacquer to fight it if need be. A little fungus won't kill me, but if it gets to the point where my nails are lifting and are sensitive, then I'll have to use the lacquer. I can always get more from my doctors if I need it.

So we chatted about this and that for a while. They want us to come to play bicycle bingo this Tuesday at the clubhouse. But as usual, that won't be a convenient time for me.

Now, for the potentially bad news. So much for thinking it would be a year or so before next door's house sold. It's gone to a divorced retired veteran. Irma says they're meeting with him on Tuesday and will find out if he has a motorcycle or a dog then. All she could tell me was that he seemed nice and drove an SUV. He's renting somewhere half an hour away and has a friend in the south section.

Also, so much for hoping for a single woman over there since they don't tend to be as noisy as the guys. Guys aren't usually as obsessed with appearance, though, so there may not be as many outdoor projects. At least I hope that's the case. The honker and the redneck are pretty obsessed with appearance after all. Motorcycles and dogs are my biggest concern right now. Two different houses had dogs barking out of their lanais when we passed them. The one that's four or five houses down, and then one a couple of houses from Arlene. If the guy has a dog, I swear I'm not gonna listen to that shit every time someone walks by!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2023 Fucking Facebook. I still can’t share posts with select people without them being notified. If I chose Specific Friends in the past, those friends were notified. But I was at least able to choose Friends Except… Now I can’t even do that or else they get notified too. What is it with Facebook’s obsession with not letting its users have any privacy? From now on I have to be all or nothing. It’s gotta be either private or for everyone. Maybe I’ll even go public someday. I might as well, right?

So I'm now 265 miles into my trip. I should be approximately 100 miles away from the Namibia border.

Did another painting, but I need to make improvements to it. It's a large neon pink flower with some white in it on a round canvas. What's cool is that the royal blue background bleeds through and makes it look like a multi-colored flower.

During my 7th session with Helen, I was glad her dogs weren’t barking in the background as they have a couple of times. I found it rather annoying when I was in the middle of saying something to her or trying to hear what she was saying to me.

We mostly discussed how my mother left me to fend for myself when I didn't eat or drink for a few days and awoke with serious dehydration on the third day. I seriously wonder to this day if I would have made it if the kitchen cabinet wasn't just outside the little bedroom I was in. It took me all day to muster up the strength to jump up, open the cabinet, and grab the first thing I could which was a Devil Dog. After I laid back down on the bed, it took me forever just to get the strength to open the damn wrapper let alone eat it.

“You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out of it," the bitch said, and then went back to her backgammon game with her bestie. This was at our summer cottage in Connecticut in the 70s. I was around 10 years old, give or take a year or two.

I felt helpless at the time, but like most kids, I didn't question the adults. I assumed they knew it all. Eventually, I got the strength to shower and I fully recovered a few days later. Then I got on with my life. As they say, kids are pretty resilient. It's when you get to be an adult that you look back and realize just how messed up some of the adults who were supposed to protect you truly were. She really took a gamble with my life, thanks to her selfishness, lack of empathy and compassion. If she hadn't constantly picked on my appearance and my weight, maybe I wouldn't have been dumb enough to not eat or drink in the first place. As a kid, I didn't understand that humans can go a lot longer without food as opposed to liquids.

Helen asked me what I would tell that little girl if I could. I opened my mouth to answer but then realized my mind was blank. Having no experience with kids, I was at a loss as to what would be best to say.

But then Helen had the perfect answer. “Let's get you something to eat and drink, sweetie, and then let's talk about why you're not eating or drinking."

That's what Dureen O should have told her daughter.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2023 It seems the wheels of medicine turn just as slow as the wheels of justice. So fucking frustrating!

I have a little more energy today (yay!), so I’m hoping to get caught up here. Finishing up with yesterday…I came to and was now in another room. It was a small room like the changing area. They had removed the IV but not the IV port or the disposable blood pressure cuff that automatically took my blood pressure every few minutes. A nurse, or whatever her official title was, helped me get dressed and guided me to the bathroom. She then wheeled me down to the lobby, and thanks to her fucking accent, I couldn’t understand her at first. I thought Tom was still in the waiting room, but he was actually fetching the car and pulling it up to the entrance. So someone told him when I was out of recovery and ready to go. The few minutes I was in recovery was really a half hour or so. You don’t just wake up as soon as they wheel you out of the OR and into recovery. As I said before, though, it seemed like only a second between lights out and lights back on. I didn’t have the sore throat Jessie warned me I may have. Just a slight scratchiness. It was hard to believe a camera was shoved down my throat.

So off we go and then begins the long journey home. This old electric car can only go about 40 miles. Newer batteries can go 250 miles, but there’s no way we can afford to get one. If we absolutely have to go to Tampa, we’re going to rent a car or make other arrangements. Electric cars are still the way to go because they cost a fraction of what gas cars cost and require virtually no maintenance. But this is one of the very first ones they made, and it just can’t do long trips. If there was an abundance of fast chargers, it wouldn’t be an issue. Now, most chargers are slow chargers, and it didn’t help that half of them were broken or in use.

I was finally able to drink some water once I got in the car. However, we were both starving. He had eaten that morning, but I hadn’t. It was nearly 90 degrees and we couldn’t use the AC so we wouldn’t drain the battery so fast. As long as I wasn’t in indirect sunlight with no breeze, it wasn’t that bad. I’m a warm-weather person. I even got a little color with all the walking we did.

One of the places we charged at was a library so we were able to go in there and not only cool off but get some snacks and soda from their vending machines. We tried to charge at Publix and Whole Foods, but those chargers were taken. Then we charged a little at an electric company and then at another place with each stop being closer to home. By the time we were at the last place, the sun was setting and the temperature dropped from 87 to 84 degrees.

My heart was racing and even his was as well. On our ECG tester later on at home and after he got a chance to relax, he got a “possible bradycardia” reading just like I sometimes get a “possible tachycardia” reading. This is no surprise, though.

I had palpitations like crazy all day and instead of a few times a day, they were literally a few times an hour due to the stress. They even woke me up once. At least Tom didn’t have that part of it. I was so tired that I slept on and off for 10.5 hours. I stupidly turned off the sound machine early in the morning, thinking I was going to get up then, but I didn’t. Instead, I dozed back off just to get woken up by the garbage truck. So I turned the sound machine back on and slept a little longer.

I wasn’t totally exhausted yesterday, but I was still tired. Today I’m better. I slept better too, and got a higher sleep score. I slept 7.5 hours.

The biopsy results are negative, thankfully, but I do have gastritis and a hiatal hernia, as I said earlier. The hernia could be because I’m fat or it could be age. I’m not grossly obese, but I guess you don’t need to be that heavy to get it. As for why I have gastritis, I haven’t a clue. I’ll find out more on the 16th when we return to Lutz which is closer and without the crazy traffic of Tampa. It could be the years of taking ibuprofen but I’m not sure. I didn’t think I took that many over the years, and I certainly wasn’t a heavy drinker. Plus, I hate spicy foods. The only reason I would always reach for ibuprofen whenever I had pain is that that’s what my mother gave me when I had cramps in my early days of cycles. Tylenol seems to make me drowsy, and that stuff can be rough on the liver too. So I guess my only options are to beat up on my stomach lining, beat up on my liver, or just tough out the pain.

Okay, we just got a different surgeon scheduled for the 27th in Brooksville. It’s another Indian. What is it with all these surgeons being from India? Nothing against them but their accent isn’t easy to understand at times.

I updated Galileo and requested a referral for the guy after confirming he’s in-network.

During tomorrow’s yard sale, and just like every other event I want to attend around here, I’ll have to sleep instead. Not so sure that’s a bad thing, though, when I see all the bickering going on in the park group. I have no idea what’s going on and I don’t care but there definitely isn’t much love in the neighborhood. Jim posted something about not posting anymore or attending any events because of the community being despicable and people going door to door, etc. Others said that sometimes it feels like this place is like a high school with all the immaturity and bickering. Another says they never bother to attend anything because they know the drama they’ll be in for if they do. That’s exactly why Becky didn’t want to live in a community like this. That and the fact that she likes to have breathing room around her.

I have noticed that the people here don’t seem as friendly in general as at the old place. Even Dixie was friendlier albeit crazy.

I wonder what Jim means by “going door to door.” To tell whoever answers to hate him or something?

It’s sad, but true that people are people no matter what their age. You would think they’d gain wisdom and maturity with age but whether they’re in their 60s or their 20s, there’s little to no difference. The older people may know more and have more experience under their belt, but their behavior isn’t much different. They lie, gossip, contradict, fail to keep their word, and backstab people just as much as younger people do. This is part of why I’ve never been all that sociable other than online. I just don’t need the toxicity.

Not much else to report going on in the neighborhood, except for the usual. They’re still working on the house next to Sue, and I’m guessing that’s going to be a regular thing indefinitely.

Added some RAM to our laptops to speed them up.

Waiting on the coffin burner I ordered for my incense.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2023 Yesterday’s 12-minute procedure turned out to be a 12-hour day. It was a nightmare! Everything that could work against us did. The biggest thing we learned is that we can’t take this old electric car down to Tampa anymore. It’s just too damn far. And thanks to Biden, they’re doing away with the fast chargers. They’re making a different kind of fast charger that we can’t use. Our first alternative is to carry on with doctors closer to us. Our next would be a rental car.

Sometimes I wish we had just gone to a bigger city. Even though this is considered a rural area, it doesn’t feel very rural when your neighbors are just a few feet away.

Okay, so on with yesterday. We left the house at 7:00 and stopped at the first charger as planned. We were supposed to drive some more and stop at a second charger, but there was an accident, as usual, so we had to head straight to the medical building.

So we get there, check in, breathe a sigh of relief since it’s right before 9:30 when the appointment was supposed to be, and take a seat only to be informed that we were in the wrong location. So with just 6 miles of charge to spare, we had a hustle over to the proper location and then building. This took quite a bit of walking, as if I wasn’t already tired enough, because it was a complex with many buildings and we didn’t know which one to go to. Of course, it had to be the one furthest from our car. It was actually in a regular hospital. You check in down in the lobby, and they put a hospital band on your wrist. They’ve changed a lot since I was last in the hospital. They’re very thin now and they don’t have that round snap thing on them.

They said the whole thing wouldn’t take more than a half hour but we were there for 3 hours. First, I had to wait in the waiting room. Then I was brought into a changing area where I changed into a gown and got into bed. The mattress was soft and comfortable and they gave me a warm blanket which was nice since this area was as chilly as the waiting room had been warm and stifling.

Several people came to talk to me while I waited for what seemed like forever in this room. Every other one had a foreign accent. The anesthesiologist placed the IV portal in my arm. Then others came to make sure they had the right information. A male nurse verified that Tom was my designated driver. I didn’t know the GI doc himself would be there, but he was. He wasn’t just hanging around the place but he did the scope as well.

After what seemed like an eternity, a large jovial nurse came to fetch me. I was wheeled into what looked like a typical OR. She, the doctor, and the guy who said he would be my “bartender” handling the anesthesia and breathing were very friendly and reassuring. Mr. Bartender put a mask over my face. This was just oxygen. Then Ms. Jovial had me turn on my side. I don’t know why, but they usually do the scope with you on your left side. She put a wedge behind my back to keep me from rolling onto my back. Then the party began and I was gone in seconds. I remember saying, “Wow,” as I suddenly felt super woozy, and then it was lights out completely.

What literally felt like one second later I was coming around. When we get up in the morning, or whenever we happen to get up, we have the sense that time has passed. Not in this case literally. It literally felt like I was put out just a second ago. But nope, I was out for 12 minutes. They gave me propofol, the same stuff that killed Michael Jackson. They also gave me sodium chloride. This was mild sedation, though, and I’ll probably get something a lot different when it comes time to remove the gallbladder if that ever happens at this point. I’ll get to that in a little bit. They also took a sample for a biopsy of my stomach.

I was surprised by how fast I came to. With heavy sedation, you’re very groggy. In this case, if I was a driver and didn’t have far to go, I could probably make it. It’s a damn good thing too, with the 7 ridiculous hours it would take just to get home. I can’t say I got a lack of vitamin D yesterday! I even got a little color with all the walking we did.

I didn’t think I would be told of any results yesterday. But sure enough, the endoscopy turned up two problems. I miss the days when all my tests were negative and when I would hear, “Everything’s okay” or “You’re fine.”

Instead, I’m told I have a hiatal hernia and gastritis.

The rest of the update is coming soon.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2023 We got the ECG testing device, and it’s simple to use. You just hold it with the palms of your hands touching the sides for 30 seconds. No abnormalities yet except for Tachycardia, as expected.

We also have an air fryer on the way, which I’m excited about. I miss having one of those but because we have such a small kitchen, it’s a tiny one. That may be a good thing, though. It would not only make it easier to clean but keep us from getting too carried away with our portions.

I’ve been totally exhausted, for the most part, trying to work my schedule around the upcoming scope. Yesterday when the fatigue hit I ended up taking a 45-minute nap and that gave me fuel to function for the rest of the day. I tried to get up at 3 this morning, but I just couldn’t do it. So I dozed on and off until 4:30. I was tired for the first four or five hours of my day, but I wouldn’t let myself get back into bed. I perked up a little eventually, but whether I’m tired or not, I’m sure I’ll still battle insomnia later on like I always do. Last night I took a whole hydroxyzine pill, and that alone didn’t do much. Melatonin alone doesn’t always do much either. But if I take that in conjunction with hydroxyzine, it seems to help. Three more days of this shit!

Haven’t been on the road as much as I’d like, but I finally hit 1%. It took getting 164 miles into the trip to do it. The trip is 16,236 miles long so it’s going to take years. My rank is now 318.

They sprayed the front of their place next door for bugs and they’re going to be seeding in a few weeks. This shouldn’t require any loud equipment that could wake me up if I’m sleeping at the time. Today they washed their car.

Been making a point to go out back and hang out there for a few minutes a day when we’re not going anywhere and when the sun is out so I get my natural source of vitamin D. We’ve got a few palm trees coming up in back there. Just beyond the fence, I also saw a cactus which was a surprise. I didn’t think that was native to Florida of all places!

The bitch with a motorcycle is annoying at times, coming and going. She did this three or four times yesterday and I heard her today as well. She definitely doesn’t just get on the thing and go like the honker does. Some people truly don’t give a shit about those around them.

Why is Kim always home? I get that she has the mentality of a 5-year-old as Carol said, but aren’t there some kind of work or activity programs for people like her? Is being home all the time really good for her, especially since she’s at least able-bodied and able to keep a schedule? I wish she was a little more active because sometimes doing email with her is more like a chore than fun. I’m going to space them out more because I know that in less than two hours of sending an email to her, I’ll get hit with a long, rambling repetitive reply.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2023 Looking forward to being able to take the weekend off from all the health work. I had to return a call yesterday that I missed for billing. The out-of-pocket part of it is now paid for.

There was yet another voice message I missed from the same woman who called before, saying she got a referral from the same nurse about my gallbastard. Why would she be calling when I already made the appointment for both the scope and the surgeon? I’ll find out on Monday. For the next couple of days, I’m going to enjoy a break from the health work.

Lastly, I dealt with Galileo’s automated refill message and let them know I have plenty of pills for the next few weeks due to the dose change. They said that was fine, and to just let them know when I get low. I also have to get a new inhaler soon, even though I only need it a few times a year.

When I first woke up, I thought OMG, I feel worse than yesterday and I’m never gonna be able to stay awake all day! Now, I think I might be a little better. Doesn’t mean I’m bursting with energy, but I have enough for now.

One melatonin wasn’t enough to knock me out, so I took Benadryl. Instead of getting barely an hour of deep sleep, I got nearly two hours, and it started measuring my HRV again. It was 20. I slept for 7 hours. I crashed at 5:30 and woke up for a second at 8:40. At 9:20, I got up to pee and couldn’t fall back to sleep so I took another Benadryl. I remember waking up two or three more times before I woke up 5 minutes before the alarm. One of the times I was definitely making these weird sounds as I was breathing. I heard myself do it twice. I think it was coming from my nose, though, and not my throat.

Really hope we don’t have a lot of walking to do through parking lots and buildings to get to the appointment! I also hope they wheel me out of there. Jessie said that you’re really out of it when you first come to, then wide awake an hour later. She said I might feel loopy for the day.

Anyway, if I can’t fall asleep after the standard 16 hours - and I have a feeling I won’t be able to - I’m going to take a whole Hydroxyzine pill and see how hungover I end up feeling when I get up tomorrow.

Later…

Not even 4 hours into my day, and I can feel the fatigue picking up. ☹ But why? I told myself not to worry about my damn schedule like Tom always suggests. It definitely does seem to have become more noticeable around the time the gallbladder started getting me in 2017. But I still don’t think it’s going to be that simple for me. If it isn’t me worrying too much, then it’s probably chronic fatigue. It could be connected to menopause or my thyroid. But why this late in the game if it’s menopause? And why wasn’t I practically comatose when I was first diagnosed with a 32 TSH? So I’m thinking it’s either the effects of trauma/worrying as he thinks or chronic fatigue. The latter would be the worst-case scenario because that’s a life sentence. I may not have 50 or more years left to live, but I still have enough.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2023 Tom just went to take a nap. Good. I love the guy, but too much together time gets to me after a while just like too much alone time. I need a good mix. The only time I don’t want to be alone is when I’m really anxious or really depressed.

I can’t figure out my sleep anymore. Yesterday I only slept for 5 hours and 35 minutes yet I had more energy than I do today after sleeping 7 hours and 44 minutes. I did get a higher sleep score yesterday, though, of 89. Today it was 83. I’m just tired of being tired! I slept with the breathing strip for the last two nights but last night I kept waking up, as usual. I’m not surprised. I didn’t really think that would make much of a difference in the end. I’m none the wiser as to whether or not it could be chronic fatigue or some type of sleep apnea but will hopefully find out after my gallbladder is taken care of. I can only handle so many things at once. As it is, my health has become more like a job than anything else because it seems there’s always someone I’ve got to call or forms I have to fill out. It’s literally become like a part-time job only no one pays me for it. It’s frustrating as fuck.

For now, we ordered an ECG tester for $80 from Amazon. If it doesn’t give me any bad readings, I’ll start with tackling the sleep issues next. If it does indicate anything shady going on with my heart, I’ll start with a cardiologist. Sooner or later I have to see one anyway because of my family history.

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day in the end. After a few hours, I perked up enough for golfing and working out. Then we even went to Denny’s. The food was great. They had a special deal on steak dinners. I had steak, eggs, and fries.

I have a little more energy now than I did during the first 5 hours of my day, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough to really hit the road like I’d like to. I’m not gonna hit my 20-mile goal. I don’t even know if I can get in 10 miles today, but we’ll see. So I’m writing instead. I have to respond to Kim and Margaret’s emails.

Helen and I mostly talked about my anger issues in our last session. I told her about what happened in Arizona. I get that forgiveness is supposed to help a person and that being angry only hurts us, but it’s just not that easy. I can’t reach into my brain and flick a switch. I know there are a lot of people who, if they tell themselves something often enough, they believe it. I wish I had this capability but I can’t fool myself. No matter how many times I try to tell myself my favorite color isn’t pink and I work toward it being something else, I’d only be kidding myself.

But yes, sometimes I still resent certain people for certain things that have happened to me in the past. Let’s just say it’s enough not to trust myself around them if they magically appeared before me.

What baffles me is why I hate that bitch in Arizona more than anyone else I’ve ever known or met in my life. Shouldn’t it be my mother and the termite I hate the most? God knows they put me through more hell than anyone else on this planet.

And yes, sometimes I get resentful over the fact that I’m different in many ways, most of which I don’t appreciate. When I compare what I know about Alyssa to myself, I can’t help but ask myself, why? Just why? She’s tall. She’s no doubt forever skinny. She can drive. She can keep a schedule. She’s got a great career and will always have money. She obviously has a husband who can perform. She has a family. She has no birth defects. She has it all from what I can see. I know no one’s life is perfect, but I have a feeling her toughest times in life don’t even compare to mine. I mean, what could she possibly have about her that’s so fluky?

I wouldn’t want everything she has. My husband and I are older, and like most long-term couples, we’re content to be just damn good friends. I don’t want a family or a demanding career either. I think what gets to me is the fact that she has options and abilities that were never open to me whether I wanted them or not. I know it’s silly to compare but sometimes we do anyway, don’t we?

The fact that she hasn’t changed cover or profile pictures in four years tells me that, yes, she is aware of my past messages, and that’s why there’s been no apparent activity. I wouldn’t be surprised if she created a new account under a bogus name. If this is true, it’s kind of sad. All she had to do was either block me or tell me not to contact her and I would have respected her wishes. She didn’t have to run scared. I’m not dangerous. Fine, though. I’ll just use our chat thread to back up journals when I remember to. The more places I have copies, the merrier.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2023 Yesterday was so long, tiring, and stressful, and well, it was just one of those days. It was dumb of me to schedule an appointment so late in my day. What I thought would be a 2-hour outing was more like 4. That would have been fine if I wasn't so damn tired. That was more of the problem than the point of my day that I was in.

Another lesson we learned is to leave earlier for appointments. Google said it would take 36 minutes. We left an hour early, but that still wasn't enough. We hit unusually heavy traffic at a couple of points during the trip through Port Richey, New Port Richey, Clearwater, Dunedin, and other towns. It's a good thing we didn't have to go all the way down to Tampa. The first traffic jam was because of an accident. I don't know what was backing up traffic the second time around.

When we knew for sure that I would be about 15 minutes late for my appointment, I called the office and, after having to play hold, I let them know. The lady reached out to the office I was going to and then a minute later she told me it was fine and to just keep heading to the appointment.

They were kind enough to see me as late as I was, and they didn't make me wait long either. The doctor and the lady he was training did a fine job on my ear and it was painless as well. For those of you who don't know, I was born with congenital atresia of the left ear. They drilled a canal in the 90s, and it can't shed dead skin on its own. It has to be cleaned by an ENT periodically. They usually use a vacuum, and if it's as loud as it is with very little hearing in that ear, I can just imagine what it would be like with good hearing, LOL.

My good ear looks fine, and of course he looked up my nose and down my throat too. The lady is going to be working in Spring Hill which is closer to our place, so she gave me her name, and in half a year, I'll see if she's in network.

So one appointment down! It's a relief to have this done and already my TMJ is much better.

So can we take my tired ass home from there? Of course not. With only 4 miles to spare, we had to run to the nearest charger but that's the slow charger So we had to wait close to an hour to get enough charge to go to the fast charger to top it off. This was at Whole Foods, so we grabbed some food from their buffet. These grocery store buffets are never that good. Had I known better, I would have just gotten mashed potatoes. That was the only decent thing they had. The rest was either bland or spicy.

Once at the fast charger, he had to pee really bad, so he walked across the parking lot to Baskin Robbins while I waited in the car, too tired to haul my ass along with him. If anything worked out in our favor, it's that it was a cool day for Florida. It got up to 76 but was still around 60 degrees at the time.

He grabbed himself a milkshake and me a small sundae and then we finally headed home. I wasted no time peeling my clothes off and falling into bed. But could I sleep? No, of course not! I was up for just over 18 hours. I'm not as tired as yesterday, but I'm not bursting with energy either, and I don't think I ever will be again in my life.

It turns out that my oxygen saturation levels were high a couple of times during my sleep. I thought sleep apnea was caused by being fat but it’s actually caused by relaxed throat muscles that cause the airway to narrow. Something about it failing the send signals to the brain telling it to breathe. I could still have some form of sleep apnea. I don’t know for sure, but next time I sleep, I’m going to try an experiment and sleep with one of those breathing strips on my nose that help keep the nasal passages open a little more and see if that helps. I didn’t wake up as much last time around. Just had a little bit of trouble falling back asleep when I got up around 9:30 to pee. It would really be nice if I could get more than an hour of deep sleep for a change too.

My OS could also be high because of inhaling exhaled carbon dioxide as a stomach sweeper. If my heart and thyroid aren’t a problem, then it’s got to be connected to something going on in my sleep. The question is, how can they do a sleep study on me in my case? It would have to be something I could do at home. I’m doubly cursed. First, I can’t keep a schedule, and then I can’t sleep without sound machines, so I couldn’t just do a typical sleep study.

The thyroid med is starting to knock some weight off again as it builds back up in my system. The question is how I'll feel in a couple of weeks.

Gallbladder removal surgery consult is now scheduled for March 9th. I’m guessing the bastard will be removed around the end of March.

Happy 61st birthday to Andy!

Still have more to catch up on, but I need a little break for now. Again, my energy level is better, but not up to par yet.

Later…

After hitting the road for half an hour and bringing my ride to 110 miles, I ended up taking a little nap. I really needed it too, even though that may have screwed up my schedule even more. Getting to my scope on the 22nd is going to be a bit of a challenge. But hey, I'm Queen of doing things in exhaustion anyway, aren't I? Gotta go all the way down to Tampa for this one too.

In a few weeks, Andy is going to Phoenix with his male friend, Ken. He'll be gone for a week.

I was thinking about my old doc's arthritis diagnosis of the "lump" I swear I feel at the base of my neck in front just toward the left where the clavicle bone attaches to the chest. Could it really be a coincidence that it became more noticeable again with the dose decrease? But then if my thyroid was enlarged in that spot, I suppose she would have felt it.

At least the planes are quiet this morning. They were pretty mellow for a few days, and then we had a couple of days where we were right back to the every few minutes thing and it was pretty annoying.

Out of curiosity, I emailed Christiane the other day and told her I hoped that Nane wasn't in Turkey when the earthquake hit. Her quick and simple reply said, no, Nane was in Munich while she was in Austria skiing. That was it. Never asked how I was doing or anything like that. A part of me considered being sarcastic and saying, "I'm doing OK, by the way. Thanks for returning the question." But hey, you can't make people care about you. Like I said a while ago, if it wasn't for my curiosity I'd never hear from her again.

We got a large ugly-looking recycling pail but decided it was about time we did our part here. We won't have enough for them to pick up every single week, so we'll aim for the times when I'll be awake when they come around since they're loud as fuck. We didn't even have a full recycle bin every single week at the other place.

I had a dream where I was speaking or listening - I think listening - to someone speaking fluently in a foreign language and I understood perfectly well what they were saying. I'm not sure what that language was, though. Maybe German.

Last night, I had tons of Alyssa dreams. I love it when I dream of her, even though they're usually weird or just not very good dreams. I wonder why I suddenly had so many dreams of her. Maybe because yesterday was her birthday and she popped into mind. We were neighbors one minute and then in another dream, I was at her workplace. Then she was talking to Tom for a second, and then she began dancing beautifully. She spun around like a beautiful ballerina and I was both surprised and amazed by her talent.

Tom and I agreed to have a “meeting” at the end of next month as far as what we're going to do and where. By then we'll know if his program is a bust or not. Right now it's showing promise and consistency. There's still more testing to be done, though. I realize I really need to start living in the moment and stop planning ahead so much. If I put too much energy into future plans, then I won't get much done in the present. The plan is to either decide where we may move to if the program continues to work out, or what we want to do to make this place more comfortable for the remainder of our life if it doesn’t. I realize it wouldn't be a waste if we put money into making changes in this place because if we ended up having money in a few years that we didn't expect, it would up the value of the house and what doesn't up it will just make us more comfortable while we're here. It's just that we don't have an endless supply of money, especially if things don't work out, and we can't do everything at once. We have a line of credit, but we'd kind of like to keep most of it for emergencies.

If this is our forever home, then when we can, I would like to soundproof one of the bedrooms from top to bottom against storms. I mean literally soundproof everything. Not just the walls. The ceiling, floors, windows, doors…everything.

We also need to redo the floors in this place, and I would like to take out the built-in desk by the door and add an indoor washer and dryer.

Another big thing I'd like to do is add cabinets and counter space to the kitchen.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2023 I was mistaken when I wrote that the trip I created was 162K miles long. It's actually a little over 16K miles.

I guess I'll do an entry now because I don't anticipate being in a writing mood on the way down to the ear doc later this morning. Yeah, last time it was to Spring Hill, and this time it's to Port Richey, even though it's the same medical group of ENTs. They just have different locations. I miss my old ENT!

I've been exhausted for days. Yesterday the fatigue was heavy enough to nap even with a good sleep score and a decent amount of sleep. The last time around I kept waking up. My sleep is doomed no matter what I do. Who knows how many more days it will be before I have enough energy just to do another freaking painting? I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed with all the appointments!

They left a voice message yesterday morning, and I wish I had thought to have Tom check my phone because he could have called them back. It was to schedule with the doctor for the gallbladder consult. I'll have him try when we get back because I can't stay up forever. Really, I can't keep playing this game. I'm at the point where I just wanna say "fuck it" where my health is concerned. At least the gallbladder won't be an ongoing thing. Sooner or later, the bastard is going to be removed, I'm going to recover, and that will be the end of that particular issue. But I'm sure it won't be long before I'm replaced with a new one. I know how it works with me.

Too tired to write anymore right now.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2023 The new OpenAI chatbot is amazing! I asked it to write a short story for me and its response was…

Sure! Here's a short story for you:

Once upon a time, in a small village nestled in the heart of a dense forest, there lived a young girl named Lily. She lived with her parents in a cozy cottage and spent most of her days exploring the forest and playing with the woodland creatures.

One day, while on one of her adventures, Lily stumbled upon a hidden clearing filled with the most beautiful flowers she had ever seen. In the center of the clearing stood a magnificent tree unlike any she had ever seen before. It was tall and strong, with roots that seemed to stretch far into the earth, and its branches reached towards the sky.

Curious, Lily approached the tree and placed her hand on its trunk. Suddenly, she was enveloped in a warm, golden light and heard a soft voice whisper, "You have a kind heart, Lily. Your courage and compassion will lead you on great adventures and bring happiness to those around you."

Lily was amazed and asked the voice who it was. The voice replied, "I am the spirit of the tree, and I have chosen you to be my guardian. You must protect this forest and all the creatures that live within it, for it is a place of magic and wonder."

Lily was filled with a sense of purpose and responsibility. She vowed to protect the forest and all its inhabitants with all her might. And so, she spent the rest of her days exploring the forest and defending it from harm. She became known throughout the land as the Guardian of the Forest and was loved by all who knew her.

Years passed, and the tree's magic flowed through Lily, granting her strength and wisdom far beyond her years. And she lived happily ever after, watching over the forest and its creatures, always ready to face any challenge that came her way.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2023 My current location is in South Africa. It's a vast, wide-open desert. It almost looks like I could be riding through Maricopa, the small farming community in Arizona I lived in 20 years ago. I got in 60 miles so far of the trip. I wish they had never made the HUD so obvious and cluttered. You can see part of the handle of my virtual bike, even though in real life I'm on my skier. Just when I was worried it would be a waste of money. It's anything but that! If anything is a waste of money, it's the treadmill.

The 20420 coins are a bit frustrating because I have nothing to do with them. I've purchased everything I want for my trainer, not that I have her visible most of the time. I keep hoping they'll come out with either more outfits or skins for boards/bikes but they never do.

My rank is now 326!

I'm going to be riding through dry, barren terrain throughout here and in Namibia. But once I get to Angola it'll get a little greener.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2023 Created another long trip and this time I’m determined to stick to it. It’s just over 16K miles from South Africa up to Finland. I wanted to do a horizontal trip as well as a vertical trip from Europe on over to Asia, but it won’t let me. Anyway, I have to do 162 miles in order to complete 1% of the trip.

I had a weird dream about a huge rock-like egg in which people were expecting hundreds of mice to hatch from it at any second. Despite the weird dream, I slept better. My sleep score is climbing. It’s now up to 86. It didn’t record an HRV for me, though. I have no idea why I was so damn exhausted those two days or why my heart raced as it did a couple of days ago.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2023 Every now and then I go back to old entries to add in little things I forgot along the way. I was going to do that with yesterday's entry, but now I can't remember what it was I was going to add.

Today is a little better than yesterday, so far. I’m still tired, but not quite as tired. I got a sleep score of 83, and while that’s better than 79, 85 and up is best for me. I still woke up several times. The best thing is that my heart isn’t racing and beating so hard as it was yesterday. Hate that feeling!

It still frustrates me to know that I’ve been suffering for the better part of a decade now, and have twice as long to continue to do so if things don’t magically get better somehow. It seems more often than not there’s something… Fatigue, anxiety, lightheadedness, racing heart, depression…something. We all get old at different ages. I got old at 48, and I probably have 20 more years to live. That will make 30 years of being old. ☹

I envy those who are older than me that seem to be able to be on the go and do things every single day. Of course, they're always on days. I just wish I could be normal! It seems that all my life I've had something fluky about me.

Last night's HRV was 16. I'll definitely address this with a cardiologist if I can ever get my damn gallbladder out of the way. That's gonna be another month or two.

I wish we had a smart lanai. I went out there to get the last of the sunshine, trying to help myself perk up. Some of the sun filtered through the plastic wrap and blinds, but it would be nice if we could tell Alexa to open everything but the screens when we were out there, and then close them when we wanted them closed.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2023 Yesterday wasn't the greatest day. Today, I'm horribly tired, and my heart is having bouts of racing. Yesterday I found that a gummy didn't help much when I started to feel on edge so I took half a hydrocortisone. Ended up crashing about 3 hours earlier than I usually would. I realized I was totally overdoing it with the exercise. Especially since I'm not getting any results. If I ever need to hold my schedule for a week or so, then it might be worth it because it helps keep me from being up too long.

I ended up sleeping a whopping 11 hours, something I haven't done in years. Got a horrible sleep score of 79, though. I decided to sleep with the sound machine at a comfortable volume, and therefore the recycling truck was able to wake me up. Fortunately, I was able to fall back asleep quickly, but I kept waking up a lot. Had to pee at one point as well.

My HRV was at 20. It only checks it in your sleep, though.

Like me, he's noticed a decline in stamina. He dreads cleaning the gutters because he knows it's going to drain the shit out of him. Just walking a mile to pay the water bill wiped him out as well. So he made a flow chart and created a circuit training plan that is supposed to improve his fitness level in a healthier way. It alternates between light workouts, HIIT routines, and strength training. If it helps him then I'm going to do the same thing.

I miss the days when I felt good most days and had energy most days as well. When I think back to when I was in school many decades ago, and how I was active all day long and then after school until bedtime with plenty of energy to spare that I would lie there awake for what seemed like forever, I wonder how the hell I ever did that. I know I could never pull it off these days.

Again, without sounding discouraging or even scary, I hope this helps my younger followers in their older age to read about what it's like for some of us to grow old as I would guess they're going to experience at least some of the things I've experienced.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2023 Finally got curious enough to ask Mrs. Twenties to please ask if the lady that bought our old house got any mail from any of the termites. While I wait for an answer on that, they lost part of their carport during the storm. It was noisy during the cleanup with all the downed trees. OMG, I can just imagine! A part of me wished it hadn’t waited until we left to finally get some real rain but now I’m glad it did, and even more so, because that roof was on its last leg.

So Tom had a hard time waking up this morning and he felt dizzy. I guess that’s called sleep inertia. He also read that a low heart rate can mean you’ve already had a heart attack. He’s pretty sure he never had one though. He still needs to let his new doctor know he’s got a low heart rate when he sees them this summer.

I slept through the mowers and the honker leaving on the motorcycle. He left at the usual time of 10:30. Last week, it was earlier. He came back at 4:00, and this time he didn’t coast but he didn’t rev it either. He turned it off just a few seconds after pulling into his driveway. He might have left it on so he could better position it. I’m hoping I’ll see it covered soon enough because that will probably mean it’s not going out again for a week.

I’m surprised he trimmed the big tree that’s between him and Sue’s place. I thought that was something he did before he headed up north but he doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon. It will be interesting to see how late in the year he stays now that he’s retired. I’m hoping he’ll be gone by mid-April and that next door doesn’t sell this year.

I adore my buddy Jessie, but she is definitely not the brightest bulb in the pack, LOL. I asked what symptoms she had since they lowered her med or did they just simply tell her that one of her numbers was too low and that she needed to lower the dose since not everyone has symptoms. She said she doesn’t remember what they were and she just answered when her doctor asked if she was experiencing certain symptoms. I told her that if she didn’t remember then she likely didn’t have any. Then she said she never experienced hypo symptoms, even though her thyroid has been dead for a long time. I told her that wasn’t what I was asking but was a bit surprised to learn this since I had just about every single symptom that goes with low thyroid.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2023 Fitbit won’t give me my HRV results for last night. It only measures it when you sleep. I don’t know how accurate or meaningful it is, but it tells me my HRV is unhealthily low. His is much better.

If his plans don’t work out, I worry we’re not going to be able to come up with enough money to get the things done that we want to do. It seems like there’s always something coming up to set us back. First there’s the AC and now it’s my gallbladder. Plus, I still need my bridge replaced. I hope he doesn’t have to go back to work at any point but you never do know. I would be okay with it as long as he wasn’t unhappy and I wasn’t having problems. And no 12-hour days!

I wish I could know what to expect in the future. I’ve spent 57 years not knowing so having a heads-up would be a refreshing change.

No more burning where the sun doesn't shine so the cranberry juice helped. I still don’t know that it was a UTI. It could have very well been the powder I was using. It’s a little hard to believe it could have been a UTI because bidets keep you so much cleaner.

So the honker did coast in the other day when he returned for good, cutting the engine when he got to Toni’s place. Tomorrow is Tuesday, so he’ll be taking the motorcycle out while I’m asleep. and the mowers are coming too. So my sleep is going to be at risk tomorrow, but more so because of the mowers than because of him. If they come around with the really loud one, then I’m going to be tired tomorrow too. Today I’m tired because I kept waking up. We both napped earlier.

There’s been a definite increase in motorcycles around here overall and it sucks. Fortunately, the planes are quiet tonight. They were really annoying the last couple of nights. Still hearing helicopters and small planes every day, though.

I only hit the road for 20 minutes tonight. I’m in France right now. I just feel like I’ve been overdoing it, although it seems to be keeping me from being up for so long even if I still keep waking up (that much is an age thing). Plus, I’m too tired to do any more tonight. My rank is climbing! I’m up to 333. Tonight, I’m just going to write and maybe do my nails. I’m also doing the final editing of my short story that’s just under 10K words.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2023 Really hope I don’t have a UT infection going on now, based on the burning sensation I’ve been getting. Drinking lots of cranberry juice now.

Today is one of those days where I would definitely take a rural setting over this place. First, the bitch behind the honker sits there gunning her motorcycle for several minutes before turning it off. Then she does it again a short while later and eventually goes somewhere.

Then it’s the honker’s turn to annoy me on top of startling the shit out of me when he fires up his own motorcycle that should never have been allowed in here. A few minutes later, he returned without cutting the motor and coasting the rest of the way. I could tell he forgot something because he parked parallel to the end of his driveway. Sure enough, he runs inside and then back out a minute later to take off again, this time heading the other way.

At least the honker should be gone in about 70 days. Unfortunately, though, this bitch is here year-round right along with Happy. They let him bark 31 times the other day and at that moment I wanted to let the redneck have it, but I know people. He would only go hipo on me and complain that I complain.

I’m in a good mood, despite the annoyances.

A certain reply to a certain reply of mine put a smile on my face earlier. Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge people because some of them are actually quite nice. Love how she said she was flattered she showed up in one of my dreams, LOL.

Also, I value those who are good listeners. I’ve dealt with enough people in this world who can’t shut up long enough to let you get a word in edgewise.

I’ll have to ask my doctors more about HRV scores if I really do want to consider seeing a cardiologist in the future. My numbers are supposed to be unhealthily low from what I’ve read. It's a good thing I have time because I'm still undecided on whether or not to see a cardiologist. I hesitate to on days I don’t have any issues and because it is what it is. My gallbladder isn’t what it is because it can be removed. But they can’t remove my heart. So with the odds of me being unable to tolerate any medication they may want to give me, it might not be a good idea to see a cardiologist.

I had so much fun skiing on the road yesterday that on and off I ended up doing it for two hours and 7 minutes! My rank is now down to 339 out of 181801. I rode 38.3 miles! It might be slightly faster than 20 miles an hour because online it says it should take 15 minutes to go 5 miles at 20 miles an hour. Yet I got there in 13 minutes and 45 seconds. No big deal, though.

Oh, speaking of skiing, I forgot to mention something really cool I saw on my Sweden ride. A couple was dressed in full skiing gear. Only the skis had little wheels under them and they were skiing along the streets. It was really cool and looked like a lot of fun.

I had a dream I woke up very cold. I asked Alexa what the temperature was and she said 55 degrees. If that’s not funny enough, when I asked her to turn the heat on she said, “It’s broken.”

Then I got up and found I was in our old Phoenix house and the honker lived next door.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2023 Loving these Jarritos sodas I tried at the market the other day. I got a case of 12, each with a different flavor. Not something I’m going to make a regular habit of getting because it’s a little pricey and there’s a lot of sugar in these things.

I wanted to switch to my outer office, but at 7:00 PM the planes are simply too obnoxious. You can hear them best in that area of the house and three planes in three minutes is a bit much. They should taper off in a few hours, but not stop until around midnight. I wonder how many more years before I finally get used to this. This is the way it is almost everywhere now so why don’t I just get with the times?

Today started off to be just so-so. I wasn't anxious but was slightly on edge as I worry about transitioning onto nights. He's going to partially match my schedule so it won't be as bad. Plus, I do have the gummies, the hydroxyzine, and I know Helen is just a text away so that helps. After taking a gummy I felt better.

I'll get back on with the painting in a few days. That's something I like to do in the middle of the night when there are fewer distractions.

Tom woke up on fire, he told me. I guess guys do that too at times. This week's VZ challenge is going to take me through Vermont, the Canary Islands, and back to a different section of Tasmania. He got the Cadence sensor hooked up to the skier and it's so much fun! You appear to be riding the bike, of course, which I have to switch to. I'm a little overpowered and it takes several seconds to come to a stop but it's so much fun riding my little "toy car" down the street and exploring anywhere in the world I want to go. I say "car" because my hands positioned on the skier's rails are almost similar to if they were positioned on the wheel of a car.

I'm finally about halfway through my 78-mile ride around Lake Tahoe. I do that ride in between challenges.

We've agreed for him to fold the skier up before bed if he crashes before I do so that way if I want to golf on my own or something like that, the skier isn't in the way. I can meditate whether it's there or not. But I can't golf, box, or dance.

Earlier I became very light-headed, hungry, and shaky. Tested my blood sugar about a half hour after eating and it was normal. I'm not sure what that was about. I lost two of the four pounds I gained and I did it without counting calories or doing anything too extreme. I just lowered my quantity by eating less often. I was getting too carried away for a while. This is the first time in ages that I grabbed the reins of my weight when I saw it was getting out of hand and yanked it back down even if it was only a couple of pounds. So my metabolism definitely isn't as dead as it used to be. I'm still a little worried about how I'll feel once I get past the middle of the month but lab time won't be much longer.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2023 For $20 I got a VR painting app called Vermillion. Facebook more than paid for it, since they're giving me more and more jobs to do. I think I'm now making over 100 bucks a month doing their surveys and studies.

I haven't checked it out entirely yet, but so far it seems pretty realistic. I've chosen the bright sunny loft with its large plants to be my studio environment. The old-fashioned Victorian-looking room was okay but not as bright. Didn't care for the passthrough at all, especially since the cameras on these headsets produce a grainy, black-and-white picture of our real-life surroundings when we step outside our guardians. The cameras on the newer headsets are supposed to be better and in color as well.

Had this really weird dream that my parents were still alive and I went to visit them at their house. The weird thing was that I never saw them because they were off mingling with their neighbors. I was looking forward to chatting and catching up on things because it had been so long. But instead, I was left alone to wander through their place. As I gazed around at the square-shaped, small two-bedroom house, I realized I didn't find it as nice as I used to. I liked our newer home better even if it was too small. I could see how I liked it a lot when they first moved into it and I was much younger.

Knowing my mother recently had surgery for something, I spotted a letter lying open on their kitchen table. Only the letter was written in a language that doesn't exist. There were gray circles throughout the letter with different symbols in them, each representing a word that I seemed to understand perfectly well. The only line I remember reading was, "I'm sorry your surgery bankrupted you."

Then I woke up, got up to use the bathroom, fell back asleep, and the dream actually continued! Only this time, Tom was with me. Same thing, though, with my parents out and about somewhere. We slowly walked through the house and I asked Tom what something I spotted in the corner of a room was before my eyes could focus on it and he said, "That's a bathroom," even though it was really a microwave. LOL.

Then I told him I didn't remember things correctly because I thought they had a slider in back of their house with the beach just beyond it. But there was actually a door with a little hallway leading to an outer door. Plus, the beach was across the street in front of their place.

Suddenly worried for our own future as I realized things weren't as well with them as I thought, I turned to Tom and asked if he thought we would be able to move into a bigger house, but most importantly, survive financially for the rest of our lives. He said he couldn't guarantee things.

Later… Got a great shot of this cute little egret that jumped onto some bushes outside the window of Burger King to beg this lady for food a couple of booths down from us.

So Helen and I started breaking down the most traumatic and tough events of my life. I forget what it’s called, but she’s doing this thing that helps change the way I perceive and feel about past events in order to help me in the present and the future. Then she’s going to be doing a form of EMDR on me. Today, after filling her in on my many upcoming appointments, we discussed the worst memory I have of my mother. Oddly enough but gratefully enough, despite the stress and the not-so-fun trip down Memory Lane, I have continued to feel good both physically and emotionally.

When we went out in the 75-degree temperatures, I felt fine. I felt nice and comfortable instead of like I was on fire despite 75 degrees not being that hot. My heart hasn’t raced either. I wish I could always feel this way. I hate to think it’s because my thyroid numbers are way off, but I would rather that and feel good than the other way around. The lower that TSH goes, the faster my heart races and the more I feel like I’m burning up no matter what the temp is not to mention the anxiety and depression that comes on. I should get a better sense of where my thyroid is somewhere between the middle and end of this month and then it will be lab time again. My calculations put me at 6. If I’m under 10, I’m not changing a damn thing. Whenever I make changes is when the trouble starts.

I’ll be meeting with Helen again in a couple of weeks. Between my schedule, her schedule, and all my other appointments, that’s the soonest I can meet with her. In another week or so, we’ve got to call to schedule the appointment with the surgeon.

I also gave Helen the main highlights of my childhood, including the time I was a ward of the state. At the end of our session, she had me bring me back to my safe place I call Rainbow Beach. She also had me visualize putting the shitty memories of my mother in a locked box to save for when we meet again. So while the bitch got to toss me to the state, I get to place her in a nice, bright hot pink (my fave color) steel box with chains wrapped around it…until I give her permission to come out. grins wickedly

For the first time, I actually laughed at the Devil Dog part of it. When I was explaining to Helen that I grabbed whatever I could from the cabinet because I had so little strength that day and ended up with a pack of Devil Dogs, she didn’t know what I was talking about at first. The funny part was when I said, “I haven’t had the damn things ever since and I never will.” So we both laughed at that one.

It was nice how she thanked me for trusting her with this before we signed off.

Tom seems to be tired more often lately. I wonder if it’s age or his own TSH. He’ll be seeing a doctor this summer when he needs more blood pressure pills and they’ll probably do a blood panel on him and find out what’s going on. Maybe it’s just age. Besides, naps and retirement kind of go hand in hand. He doesn’t nap every day, though.

Andy’s been fighting depression for the last few weeks so he started working out again. That will definitely help, and as I told him, more isn’t necessarily better. Even 15 minutes is better than nothing at all.

I returned Vermillion and requested a refund because it was too complicated to use. The graphics were great, but the navigation got confusing as hell.

Then my headset lost its mind for a while. It kept telling me to create a new Guardian and would lose tracking. It was also placing me in the wrong position within apps. Instead of appearing to be standing by the tray that holds all the different golf balls in the Walkabout app, I’m floating above it one minute, then I’m embedded in it the next. So I cleaned the camera lenses and when Tom was looking at it, he found that the edges of the stickers I had on it were lifting and creating shadows which were confusing it. No wonder the damn thing has been telling me to turn the lights on lately when the lights were already on.

The only funny thing was that we swapped heights and he appeared shorter than me when we were golfing earlier. Before we figured out what the problem was, he created a new guardian and when you do that, it calibrates your height.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2023 What a frustrating day so far! The bitch behind the honker was getting on my nerves running and gunning her motorcycle. Did she not read the rule book that says you’re not allowed to sit there revving engines?

Some other guy has been cruising up and down the park on a quieter motorcycle. And while it may be a quieter one, still, what have these places come to? I wish they were like they were in the 80s. I hate how they’ve become so mainstream. It makes you wonder what’s next. Letting kids live here? Allowing those with dogs to let them stay outside overnight?

Now they tell me the ENT I really need to see this Friday is no longer in network after we noticed the referral expired. I thought that once I was an established patient, I could see them as often as I wanted. But apparently, they do this on the first of every year. Getting really tired of making a career out of hunting for doctors, making calls to offices and insurance companies, filling out forms, and having a million appointments! I’ll be seeing someone else in two weeks instead but where are all the female doctors in Florida? It seemed there were more female doctors in Cali than male.

Another frustrating thing is the car starter battery. He knows it needs to be changed, but the person who came out and inspected it said it was good. Yet he has to jump the damn thing every few days or so. He read online that this is a common problem and they recommend you just keep calling them out and eventually they’ll replace it. It’s under warranty too.

My gallbladder was a little crampy earlier. I don’t think it liked the milk in my cereal, even though I got lactose-free. I probably won’t have a surgery date until the end of this month or the beginning of next. Jessie said she’s had endoscopies before, and they’re a piece of cake.

Reading back in my earlier journals, I realize I’ve never been correct in predicting anyone’s death. I thought one of my parents would die at 83, yet they both died at 80. I thought his mother would make it to 86 or 87, yet she made it to 93. So I realize that I could be wrong when I assume Tom will make it to 85. I just came up with that because that’s common these days, and that’s how long his father lived. Well, 84 to be exact.

[joyjoyjoy]

Breakup Letter (First Draft)

I need to break up with Tom. Loving him is rotting me from the inside. I am being eaten away, corroded by my heart every passing moment while he just stares. He looks down as I convulse and contort at his feet. He would so much as spit as me, but he doesn't have the guts to despise me with pride. I need a caregiver, he is not one.

Everytime I have an anxiety attack he could care less. I have never in the past three years thought about Ben as much as when I've been with Tom. Remembering how good I had it. I just didn't want to fuck him that was the one thing. But Tom doesn't want to fuck me so there is that one thing too. I don't know, I thought I had found the one, but that's naive to think at 21. You just think you're different. All the time you think you're different, you think God gave you signs, you think you were at the right place at the right time: to get hurt it seems. I have not suffered as much as I have since the first year I started dating Ben. Awful anxiety attacks, crying everyday. I've been crying, every, fucking day since I've met Tom. That's insane. It has only taken me 11 months to think that's delusional and not normal.

Why did Margarita not tell me to break up with him? Why is my mom the only one telling me this. Ah God. Why does it hurt this much? He was supposed to be the one! i was there. I was at the church with him. I was at the church when I almost got raped. Would I have gotten raped if it weren't for those three latino guys? Would I have put myself in that situation if it weren't for Tom?

I have the sudden urge to go visit Brendan right now. If I cheated on Tom it would be over so quick and I could just say: "I cheated on you, it's over" Would that not be nice? Maybe this is coming to me because I assumed less of Aidan and his girlfriend now fiancee. I disregarded their relationship and now.,, look at me. Ben would never do this to me. He'd never do it. He'd always want to take care of me and he called me after new years and I was sobbing, but he still called me. He still did. He was there. He was always there. Tom never is.

He is not that man, he is just a boy. He wants a highschool relationship, but he is in his twenties. I need so much more than he can give me and it is killing me. He will never be enough for me. Not nearly. I wish I was a better writer by now, but I don't read enough to improve in my writing so there is that. Fuck.

I thought it was him. I really thought it was. I'm so fucking dumb. I'm going to break up with him in January...? At the end of January. He is not going to buy tickets to see me in the summer. He is done with me too I can tell. My friends say I'm imaging it, but he didn't fight that hard to keep me last time we broke up so he is not eager to keep me around. I'm trying to find a way to preamp it without hurting him so much that he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. Anyhow I have the exchange to look forward to at least. January and February are such depressing months in Canada. I'm lucky I get to escape them.

Ah what an awful feeling knowing someone is not made for you. I knew that though. I was being stubborn. Silly Eli always being stubborn. Should I see if he said anything? Let's see he said:

"Try and sleep"

"I'll call a bit later my love"

"I love you xx"

The thing is... I don't think I ever loved him. I was in love with him from the second I saw him, yes. I never loved him, my mom is right. The english and other latin modern languages are so limited in our vocabulary for love and this makes everything ten times harder.

Imagine you meet a cool girl in Strasbourg and you think she is everything you've been waiting for. Just for her to turn into this awful ball of insecurities and -- what else do you call me? I'm just so fucking pitiful. I look at my state of being, fuck, the person I have become. It's so sad. It truly is. He's made me a shell of a woman by caring so little about me. I could die tomorrow. I could die today.

I shouldn't even call him tonight or more so I shouldn't reply in the two hours or more he is going to call me. I'd only be "ruining his night". Ben would never utter those words.

"I love you more than anything else in this planet of course you'd never ruin my night I love taking care of you"

Tom is going to be drunk hanging up on me.

I just want my rock. I want a man who wants to take care of me. Maybe I need to get closer to the church and abandon my lustful needs. Wait for marriage, as long as he is waiting too. It's fine. I'll be okay, but I need to let Tom go. I need to break up with him desperately. My flight is in less than two weeks and if someone gave me the opportunity to cancel it I would.

[chrissdollie]

you belong with me - m.s x reader

this is a submission for @annamcdonalds67 's writing challenge under the category 'fluff-angst' !! sorry if this was too short ( ˵>ㅿ<˵ )

summary: you've liked matt sturniolo ever since he moved into town. his girlfriend doesn't care about him like you do. you can treat him so much better.

warnings/notes: cursing, references to sex, characters are in hs, no happy ending, this is a oneshot so theres no part two unless i really feel like it wc: 1.3k

lana del rey lightly hums throughout your room, your laptop being open to your "winding down" playlist as you read your favorite book. you decide that you're finished for the night, closing it shut after placing your pink sanrio bookmark in the spine. you reach over to place the book on your nightstand before getting up.

you skip towards your window in your cute dainty pajamas and open your satin curtain. you look across the way and your long-standing crush’s window is there, open for you to see inside. matt sturniolo. he's studying and seems to be very focused. he wears a grey pair of headphones and a black hoodie that read words you weren’t able to see from the distance even if you squinted.

you smile softly and watch him for a few seconds before he looks up, his eyes catching yours. you shriek, your content smile falling. embarrassed, you close your curtains and run back to your bed where you curl under your soft fluffy blankets. you smile sheepishly at your childish behavior. you wonder if he thinks you’re a freak for looking at him so creepily.

your lips form a frown. you don't want him to think that of you. you decide to uncover yourself and peek through your window again. however, this time, his eyes are away from his desk. he looks off into the distance with his phone pressed against his ear. he looks annoyed, you can tell by the way his eyebrows scrunch up. you pout, feeling bad. although matt's been your next door neighbor over a year, you only see him in school, too scared to visit him any other time. but maybe you can go over and talk to him- oh shit he's looking

his phone is off his ear and resting in front of him on the desk. he's looking at you with a confused look. you smile, pointing a finger up, showing him that you need a second. he nods, and you grab a piece of paper and a pink marker. you scribble the words “hii!! you okay?” neatly onto the page before holding it up.

matt looks down for a moment after reading your paper to write his response with an exhausted sigh.

“tired of drama”, it read. you shrug in response awkwardly with an apologetic smile, writing down "sorry :(" onto the paper. he writes something in his notebook, but hesitates before ripping the page out and throwing it behind him.

he then writes on a separate piece, which he reveals to say, "can i get your number? im wasting paper here lol" he gives you a small smile, how can you say no?? you bite your glossy lip gently before scribbling onto the paper, "bella won't mind?"

isabella holbrook is matt's girlfriend. eugh, you hate the thought of her. you have no idea why someone so perfect like him is with a jerk like her. you have a simple guess, though. perfect hair, perfect body, perfect social status-- who wouldn't wanna date her? you understand perfectly, even though you're just making assumptions... maybe she could be a kind person behind closed walls?

no. absolutely not, you almost laugh at the thought of bella being nice.

matt chuckles dryly after reading your words. he quickly writes down two sentences. "nah she'd be pissedddd, my bad. see you tomorrow :)" he closes his curtains a few seconds later. your shoulders slump and your pout becomes more evident. you shouldn't have said anything. you plop back down onto your bed shamefully.

the next day, you're sitting in class. your seat assignment is two rows behind bella, and even from that distance, you can still hear her smacking on her gum like a fucking cow eating grass. your teacher has his back turned as he faces the whiteboard, giving bella time to scribble down something on the corner of her empty notebook.

she rips out the tiny piece, crumpling it up before "accidentally" dropping it on the floor. she gasps in faux surprise, "whoops!" she mutters.

she stands up, flipping her chocolate brown hair behind her before slowly bending down to pick it up. matt's eyebrows raise at the sight of her panties. he looks away quickly and clears his throat. isabella smirks, dropping the (what you assume to be dirty) note onto his desk.

he sends her a glance before opening up the note. his eyes widen slightly, crumpling the paper back up before anyone else could see it. "now??" he mouths to his girlfriend. she grins, sticking her tongue out nastily. you can tell he's uncomfortable, anyone could. she leans over to his ear, "you can't be a virgin forever, daddy." she whispers loudly enough for some people (including you unfortunately) to hear, causing them to snicker.

your teacher turns around abruptly, raising an eyebrow. "is there something funny?" he coughs out. isabella fixes her posture as if she's an innocent little girl and shakes her head. "no sir." you roll your eyes and gag.

you don't know what really happened after that since you had to leave in the middle of class to an assembly for perfect attendance. sixth period was thankfully skipped because students who're apart of band, the cheerleading squad, and of course the football team had to practice for the pep rally.

you kneel down onto the hard gym floor, hurriedly assembling your clarinet while matt and isabella stand close to you, hand in hand. "oh god, i swear, if we have to do one more of these rehearsals with these band freaks, i'm gonna puke." she spits, folding her arms angrily.

matt happily shoves his sweaty hand into his pocket. "freaks is crazy, you're the ones doing backflips and splits, that shit's freaky." he grins, looking into her eyes. he waits for a chuckle or atleast a smile. but she scoffs, clearly offended for some reason. you giggle as quiet as possible at his joke. his head turns and he smiles a real smile when he sees someone understanding his humor.

you meet his glance with a small smile and he nods towards you. bella grabs for his hand again, starting to chatter again. you blow a strand of hair out of your face, finishing assembling your instrument. matt takes a small step towards you, bending down slowly. he kneels next to you, catching your attention.

"hey, i thought you did percussion?" he raises an eyebrow and points towards your clarinet. it takes you a moment to reply, not knowing he paid attention to what you were playing. you nod and hum. "mhm! i did, but they needed another clarinet so i offered to learn. it's easier anyways.!"

you're such a bubbly person which makes matt's heart flutter in a way it shouldn't. you continue to explain why you like clarinet more, but he just can't listen. all he's looking at are your shimmery lips covered in lipgloss. then his gaze travels to your eyes, your pretty lashes batting at him so sweetly. he loves your hair too. it's so shiny and-

"cmon, they're starting." bella grumbles from above him, pulling him to stand up. his smile falters, but he waves to you anyhow. you wave back awkwardly, wishing she didn't drag him like a dog on a leash.

maybe it's for the best, matt thinks. he shouldn't have been staring at you so passionately when he has a girlfriend.

you watch him walk away with a frowny pout. your dainty pink nails tap on your clarinet unknowingly as you think about what could be. you could treat him one hundred times better! you wouldn't want him just for the fun of a relationship or for your status, who gives a shit about that anyways.

you want him for him. matthew sturniolo, the boy you've liked since you met him. you huff, still sitting pathetically on the rough gym floor. "you belong with me." you whisper to yourself.

tags !! <333 @leah-loves-lilies @latinasforchrizz @stargirlsturniololover @junnniiieee07 @mattsneezing @freshloveee @freshsturns @emma4eva @r6diosturns @matthasmywholeheart @donthugmeimhot @blahbel668

[briamichellewrites]

44

Things were changing. Both Brad and Matt had girlfriends. Matt reconnected with an old girlfriend, Luciana Bozán Barroso while Brad was dating Angelina Jolie. Brian knew that she was the reason why he and Mike broke up but he tried to be friendly to her. Mike assured him he was okay with her in his life. He didn’t hold a grudge against her. Brian was unsure what he thought about her. Whenever he visited his father, she was always there. He always got the feeling that he was in the way.

“I got up around ten and I already took a nap after breakfast.”

“Your body needs it. Take today off and don’t worry about not getting exercise”, Brad told him.

He had driven over and was out of breath, so he sat down on a chair in the kitchen to catch his breath. His lungs felt like he had just climbed a mountain. How was his heart? It was beating fast. After five minutes, he started breathing more easily as his lungs filled with air and his heart rate dropped back to normal. Brad mentioned he should take tomorrow off, too if he was still tired.

He gave him a glass of water. Thanks. He started sipping on it. With Mike and Dave going back on the road, he didn’t want to leave him behind when he went to film his new movie, Oceans Thirteen because of his health problems. What if he had a heart attack or a stroke and there was nobody there to help him? That was his biggest concern. At least on set, someone would be able to help him if the worst happened. He joked about it being just like when he was a child.

He would have to find a picnic table to play at before taking a nap in the afternoon. Brad laughed. Maybe he could get on the ground and watch the insects. That would be cool. He had to get the okay from his cardiologist to travel. They didn’t think it would be a problem, since he wouldn’t be alone. Still, they wanted to make sure since they didn’t want him to have a heart attack while in the air.

Maybe he would need oxygen or something. They weren’t experts. That’s why they had the cardiologist, who spent many years in school and practicing medicine. Despite his condition, he still managed to have a sense of humor about it. He got up slowly to use the bathroom. Did he need help? No, he got it. Some days were harder than others. This was one of those days. When he got back, he sat back down as Angelina walked in. They both said hello to her.

“How many times can you steal thousands of dollars without going to prison?”

Brad laughed. “We’re experts on avoiding prison sentences and it’s millions of dollars.”

“Oceans Fourteen, everyone goes to prison.”

He laughed again. After a while, he left to take another nap before eating dinner. When he got home, he got a text from Mike asking how he was doing. He replied that he had woken up tired and had taken a nap after eating breakfast. Then, he drove over to visit his dad for a while and he just got back. He was still very tired, so he was going to take another nap before dinner.

Take it easy for a couple of days. How’s your heart doing? – Mike

I was out of breath when I got to my dad’s and my heart was racing. Right now, it’s doing okay and I can breathe normally. My dad also wants me to take it easy tomorrow, so I’m going to do that. Are you guys still at home? – Brian

They were still at home. He wanted to talk to him about his next album, but his resting was more important. Could he text him or Dave when he woke up from his nap? Yeah, he would do that. He put his phone in his pocket before slowly walking to his room. Thankfully, it was right off the kitchen so he didn’t have to walk very far or go upstairs. It was one of the reasons why he liked his house. It was almost one level, with a step-down living room.

Hey, I just woke up and I’m feeling a lot better. I’m still going to stay home tomorrow and take it easy. I’m going to eat dinner now. I will be going on my usual walk around the neighborhood but I’ll bring my phone with me, just in case. – Brian

That was great news. He was just tired. His body was telling him to slow down and rest. With his health condition, he needed to do that every once in a while. He wasn’t as active as he used to be but he was okay with that. There were times he had too much energy, especially when he was younger. It was part of his ADHD. He had calmed down significantly after puberty.

This time, he remembered to put a hoodie on before going outside. His phone and keys were in his pocket. He double-checked. The sun was shining but it had gotten cooler. If he was feeling okay, he was going to take a bath before going to bed. The warm water always relaxed him. As a baby, he would be given a bath whenever he was fussy and couldn’t sleep. Brad tried everything from checking his diaper and feeding him but he couldn’t figure out why he was crying.

Until he tried bathing him. He stopped crying when he felt the warmth of the water. Brad was exhausted because it had been hours of trying to get him to calm down. He was also so relieved that he had found a solution. After that, he bathed him every time he was fussy. When he got older, he loved bath time because he loved being in the water and playing with his toys.

As long as he didn’t have to get his hair wet. For some reason, he hated that! Brad tried washing his hair as quickly as he could to get it over with. When it was dry, he was a lot happier. He loved running around in his fresh diaper until it was time to put his pajamas on. Years later, he didn’t mind getting his hair wet, though washing it under the faucet was harder than it was when he was younger. That was why he preferred taking a shower when he had to wash his hair.

His bathtub was deep and could hold a lot of water. The only thing sticking out was his head. That’s why he loved it. He had pulled his hair back into a high bun to prevent it from getting wet before opening the window a little to let the steam out. His boom box was on the counter next to the sink. He had it set to the local country station.

When everyone was back home, they were going to meet to talk about his next album. Maybe he would do something different, like ZZ Top. They mixed blues, country, and rock. But without the signature beard. He would not look good in a beard. His face was freshly shaved to give it a smooth look. His long hair was growing past his shoulders. Maybe he would get it cut before leaving with his father. He thought about getting it shaved underneath. That was a cool look.

He used the water to wash his face. When he got cold, he drained the water before grabbing a towel and using it to dry himself off before wrapping it around his waist. Brad was trying hard to keep his girlfriend happy. She didn’t like the attention he gave to his son. He was realizing how mentally unwell she was.

She pushed him away from her before begging him to come back. He was not allowed to talk to anyone. Not even his son. She was very jealous and accused him of cheating. He felt trapped because he truly loved her. She also started throwing tantrums where she threw things at him, slapped him, and threatened to hurt herself if he ever left her.

The physical abuse hurt but the verbal abuse was the worst. She called him pathetic whenever she was angry with him. He was the worst boyfriend ever and she couldn’t believe she put up with him. Brad felt alone and ashamed because he couldn’t tell anyone. Instead, he started drinking to get away from her.

He wished he was still with Mike. Even when they were fighting, they were very careful about what they said because words hurt. They couldn’t take back what they said. Angelina never apologized for what she said, even when he tried talking to her about it. He was being abused but he couldn’t admit it to himself. She had come to him and told him she was pregnant. He hugged her happily and then kissed her.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia @boricuacherry-blog

[sweetmusingss]

I smile lovingly at you, looking both ways before I crossed the street with you while continuing to hold onto your hand. I felt my heart racing just from you speaking Romanian to me. I knew a lot of languages from traveling to several different countries for work but besides English, Romanian and French always stuck with me the most. It was like fate that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with turned out to be Romanian. "Dă-mi un moment să mă gândesc. Îmi distragi atenția. Cuvintele tale mă lovesc mai tare în română decât în engleză," I smirk softly at you before bringing your hand up to my lips and kissing over your knuckles. I was weak to hear you call me 'Princess' in Romanian, my heart pounding in my chest. "Bine, cred că acest turist este înfometat acum după mâncare delicioasă și apoi poate o plimbare romantică?" I loved that we were able to talk in fluent Romanian together. I definitely felt like a tourist but I knew that I at least didn't sound like one.

Seb smiles at you, shaking his head. “mă faci să roșesc. Ar trebui să-ți vorbesc mai des în limba română, dacă asta înseamnă că te fac să încetinești și să procesezi mai mult lucrurile.” Seb stuck his tongue out as he teased you, chuckling. He always gave you a hard time about not being relaxed enough and if speaking to you with in a foreign language made you slow your roll a bit, even if it was just due to his voice being charming, then he’d take it. “Okay, my love, we can go eat. I’ll bring you to my favorite restaurant.”

__

Frank sighed with relief when you said that you would come see him perform tomorrow night, grateful that you weren't going to completely abandon him. He still didn't feel right about this whole entire thing and it made him feel so guilty that he was thrown off by his own girlfriend being here to visit him. He knew he could not just let you go though and he couldn't let things change between the two of you. He already was so attached to you and he relied on you more than anyone knew. Gerard had no idea just how badly he had hurt Frank by doing this because it pushed you away and put that fear right back in him that he was losing you again. He stands up too as he stared back at you, not really wanting to go but he knew you were hinting that you probably wanted him to leave. "You shouldn't have to be alone though. You should have someone who loves you endlessly and doesn't ever want to leave you alone. Maybe you've been alone most of your life but I will make sure you don't have to feel that way always. Not anymore," he says softly, not realizing how fucked up it was that he was promising you that when he was very much with someone else and so were you.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Frank. I’m not your responsibility to worry about. Worry about Kayleigh, not me. She deserves your attention. I’ll be fine…” I look up at him with sad eyes, wishing he knew how truly alone I really was. My band barely ever spent the night on the bus, all of them having other friends or partners on tour so they’d sleep elsewhere so my bus was usually always empty. Anthony hated sharing bunks so we only ever shared a bed when we were staying at hotels. Cobra’s bus was basically a party bus and Gabe sometimes came and kept me company overnight, but I hated being a burden and keeping him from the fun so I always said I was fine. But the truth was… I was utterly alone, all the time. My time recently with Frank and My Chem made everything seem better but now knowing that Gee wanted to keep me away and Kayleigh was here, I was going to go right back to being the same lonely person I always was.

[jadeypiie-blog1]

boo i havent been up to talking recently :(((

im even ignoring my crush!! can you believe that!!!! gowsh

[adrienneleclerc]

Say It Back

Masterlist

Pairing: Xavier Thorpe x Hispanic!Reader

Summary: After completing the “there’s a frog in my hand” couple trend, Y/N wanted to see how would Xavier react if he says “I love you” but Y/N doesn’t say it back

Warnings: Boyfriend!Xavier, I guess sad!Xavier, fluffy

A/N: you don’t have to read There’s A Frog In My Hand before reading it but if you want to, cool. I’m also trying very hard for the Hispanic reader not to be from a specific Latin American country. There’s also spelling errors probably

Y/N was scrolling on TikTok when she saw a video where when the boy was leaving a room, he said “I love you” to his girlfriend but she didn’t say it back. Y/N sent the video to Enid. A few minutes later, Enid texted her back.

Enid: Do you want to do that with Xavier?

Y/N: Seems harmless enough, kinda wanna see how he gets.

Enid: Okay, good luck!

Y/N turned her phone off, she started to think about how we was going to do this. She won’t record it in case it takes a bad turn, this will just be a little…experiment. She’ll do it tomorrow, right now she’s going to visit Xavier in his art shed and bring some food. When she went into Jericho, she bought ingredients to make empanadas de queso and also alfajores for dessert. She put some of each on different containers to bring to Xavier just in case.

Y/N on a sweater and her sneakers to walk to the art shed. She knocked three times. “Xavi, amor, I brought food.” Y/N said. She waited a few seconds and Xavier opened the sore to his shed. “Hi love, you made these for me?” Xavier asked, kissing her forehead. “Yeah of course, I get worried that you don’t eat when you’re here. I would have made something more filling but I figured empanadas are easy to eat.” Y/N said.

Xavier opened the empanada container and took a bite. “These are really good. Did you put any of your healing stuff in it? I’ve been sneezing a lot lately.” Xavier asked, taking another bite of the empanada. “That’s because you’re always out here, it’s so cold! But yes, I used my magic to bless the food so hopefully your sneezing will stop and you won’t get sick.” Y/N said, kissing his cheek.

Y/N is a healer, she can heal people using magic. She either uses her magic directly on the person to heal them or “blesses” the food with her magic and heals them through food. When she was around normies, she discovered she could use her magic through food when she did a said a small incantation, the same one used to heal people, when stirring the soup she made for her friend. Her friend’s fever was gone and she looked so much better minutes after finishing the soup. With normies, she uses food, with outcasts, it’s directly unless they want the food option.

“Thanks love.” Xavier said hugging her. He finished 7 empanadas and ate 3 alfajores. Y/N ate the rest of the alfajores. “I feel so much better now, thank you. I’ll just finish up this painting and then we can go to my room. Maybe you can spend the night.” Xavier said, looking at Y/N with puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah of course, querido, I would love to spend the night, I love you.” Y/N said, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him. Xavier smiled into the kiss, “I love you too.” Xavier said, he pulled away from the kiss to continue painting. Y/N sat on one of the stools. “Just for future reference, would you like to taste more Hispanic food? I could make some ropa vieja, that’s filling, or arepas, pupusas, maybe ceviche, carne asada, I gotta practice my cooking too.” Y/N said, playing with the bracelet Xavier gave her.

“Anything you make will be delicious, I’m happy to try any dish you make. We’ll talk more, I just need to finish this and then we can talk as much as you want.” Xavier said, looking at Y/N. Xavier turned back to focus on his painting. 20 minutes later, Xavier was finished and the both of them made it to his dorm room. “You can use one of my shirts as pajamas if you want.”

“Okay, sounds good. Did you by the skincare products I recommend? I really don’t want to walk back to Ophelia Hall and get mine.” Y/N said. Xavier went to the bathroom and showed Y/N his skincare shelf full of products she recommended. “Aw, you do listen to me.” Y/N said, kissing Xavier’s cheek. Xavier gave Y/N one of his shirts and when Y/N went to change on the bathroom, the hem of the shirt reached about mid thigh. Y/N tied her hair with one of Xavier’s hair ties and washed her face and did her routine with Xavier’s products. Y/N got out of the bathroom and saw Xavier on phone.

“I’m all done.” Y/N said. “Perfect, let’s get to bed, I am exhausted.” Xavier said, he went to the bathroom to change, brush his teeth, and washed his face. When he got out, Y/N was already under the covers. Xavier laughed and walked to his bed and lift the covers. “Move over, honey.” Xavier said and Y/N scooted over to Xavier can fit. Xavier positioned himself in a way that Y/N could lay her head on his chest and his arm was wrapped around her waist. “Goodnight, angel, i love you.” Xavier said kissing her forehead. “I love you too, flaquito, goodnight.” Y/N said and they drifted off to sleep.

The next day, Y/N woke up and checked her phone. It was 7:15 am, she was with Xavier, it is the perfect time to try that TikTok video she saw. She waited until Xavier woke up on his own. “Good morning, love.” Xavier said, kissing Y/N. Y/N laughed, “good morning Xavi. I gotta go back to my dorm to get dressed, okay?” Y/N said getting off the bed.

“It’s Saturday, we don’t have class today, can’t you just stay here and ask if Yoko can bring you a change of clothes?” Xavier asked holding Y/N’s hand. “No I can’t, she’s probably still asleep.” Y/N said. “Okay fine, go change and then come back, okay? I love you.” Xavier said. “Me too, bye.” Y/N said. She was about to leave when Xavier stopped her.

“Baby, i said I love you.” Xavier said with a little pout. It almost made Y/N say that she loved him too but she had to stay strong. “I know, Xavi, me too, but I gotta go.” Y/N said trying to get her hand out of his grip but Xavier stood up to look her in the eyes.

“Honey, i love you.” Xavier repeated. “I know you do, but I really need to go.” Y/N said but Xavier is not budging. “Why won’t you say it back?” Xavier asked sadly. “It’s nothing Xavi.” Y/N said, looking at him, touching the side of hi face. “If it’s nothing, then why are you not saying you love me too?” Xavier asked.

Y/N stayed quiet. “Are you mad at me or something? Was it something I said last night?” Xavier asked, playing with your fingers. “Of course it’s not, flaquito, I’m not mad at you.” Y/N said. Seeing Xavier look sad made Y/N’s heart hurt, she hated seeing him like this. “Well it must’ve been something I did because you won’t say you love me. Was it because I paid more attention to my painting instead of you? I’m sorry about that, okay? But if I don’t paint, I can’t sleep. I should have paid more attention to you and what you were saying, I’m sorry.” Xavier said, kissing Y/N’s forehead.

“It’s not that, cariño, it’s..” Y/N was interrupted by Xavier. “Then tell me what is it that I did! If it’s that bad that you won’t say that you love me, I promise I will never do it again. Just please say it back.” Xavier said, leaning his forehead against Y/N’s. She couldn’t take it anymore and said it.

“I love you, mi Vida, I love you so much, okay.” Y/N finally said, kissing him. “Thank you, I love you too, angel. Why weren’t you saying it back before?” Xavier asked, hugging her, resting his chin on the top of her head. “I saw a TikTok of this girl not saying I love you back to her boyfriend. I kinda wanted to test it out. I didn’t record it though, it was just for me. I’m sorry though.” Y/N apologized.

“It’s fine, angel. I will get you back though when you least expect it, so be careful. Now can we spend the morning in bed? I think you owe me that for what you out me through.” Xavier said getting back to bed. “Of course, flaquito, we will stay in bed all morning.” Y/N also got into bed, leaning against his chest. “I love you” Xavier said, “i love you too” Y/N said kissing him.

I was thinking since Y/N calls Xavier nicknames like flaquito, Xavi, amor, and all, imagine if she calls him by Xavier instead of his nicknames. I feel like Xavier would be so confused, wondering what did he do, should I write that?