#maybe this is an autism experience bro idk

[donnieisaprettyboy]

I’ve been experiencing dissociation since I was a kid (like no older than 3) and when I told my therapist she was very confused bc dissociation usually only happens when people experience trauma (which I hadn’t at that age) but like…… imagine my confusion at finding out that most people don’t sometimes feel like they’re having an out of body experience and have long bouts of amnesia because of it

“yeah you know those times where you feel like you’re kinda just piloting yourself like a video game character and you don’t really remember much of anything when it happens but you’re still able to get through daily functions”

everyone in the room, apparently:

“….no???”

[alllgator-blood]

okkk wait this is the anon that sent an ask about autistic narinder and leshy hc 😅 i retract my statement they're all autistic 🤯🤯🤯🤯

I WAS LITERALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF ANSWERING THAT ASK TO SAY "I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ALL AUTISTIC" BEFORE THIS ONE GOT SENT IN, I was two sentences in so your comedic timing was impeccable actually

I know there's like no evidence in-game to back my claims so this is purely a vibe check (and also me being unable to write for neurotypical characters) but yeah no I 100% feel like all the bishops have autism for some reason. They definitely express it in different ways and I was actually thinking about that in the car ride back home tonight??

SEMI-DETAILED HC EXPLANATIONS BELOW THE CUT

For leshy, I feel like since he's the youngest...when he came along, everyone was like "yep. We don't even need to get this one tested" after seeing him in his natural element. Which sounds cruel but that's just personal experience after people in my family started getting diagnosed and we started noticing things about each other better LMAO. I kinda actually designed my iteration of him to be like a big stim toy, I did that shitpost sketch in the last post but even the first time I drew him I was like "this dude is made out of orbs that make satisfying noises when they click together", so if I had to categorize the way his neurodivergency manifests, it's definitely "I NEED TO MOVE AROUND!! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!! MAYBE SCREAM A LITTLE IDK IT JUST FEELS RIGHT!!"

Heket is for sure the one that fights the most against people labelling her with it, just because she's like I'M SO NORMAL GUYS. LOOK HOW NORMAL I AM. LOOK HOW WELL I CAN ADAPT TO CHANGE AND LOOK AT ME NOT FREAK OUT AT ALL WHEN I'M OUT OF MY ELEMENT!! She's the new leader of the family so she does her best to hold it together but if you make plans with her, she's gonna be in Waiting Mode as soon as the plans are made and might tear you limb from limb if you flake or reschedule. Something my therapist told me recently is that me getting absurdly upset over injustices (small or big) is likely directly related to being autistic, so if heket feels like something is wrong she will absolutely be vocal about it. If someone says something mean to her, they are her fucking arch nemesis from that point on. The block button is NOT enough she wants them DEAD

For narinder, I feel like he maybe bonded a lot with shamura over the fact both of them feel pretty disconnected from everyone else? The way his autism manifests is probably the feeling that he's on a completely different wavelength than everyone else, and can't experience empathy the same way his siblings can. He'll like have conversations with people but it feels like someone just talking at him, and him having to mentally choose the dialogue options that make the conversation end the quickest. He probably feels like a completely separate species from everyone else on more levels than just "I am a cat and you are not". I know this doesn't line up with my narinder art so far but I have a distinct characterization of him pre-schism that's completely different from post-schism. I feel like he also resented the other siblings for having the same condition as him but presenting so differently, he felt like he got the short end of the stick.

Kallamar........is a FREAk ABOUT TEXTURES. Bro will actually throw up if he has to eat or touch something gross. He would probably excuse himself to go hurl if he sees leshy combining everything on his plate and shovelling it into his face. I'M actually about to hurl just thinking about it. I have to have lotion on at all times or I freak out when I touch things with my hands, and I feel like kallamar needs to have that famous Cephalopod Mucus Layer in order to exist in his body without wanting to implode. Maybe even a special oil he formulates himself? I also feel like he probably has the most freakouts and has been left crying inconsolably + hyperventilating on the floor over something seemingly stupid MANY times, but shamura is understanding enough to be patient with him and not try to grab him or repeat phrases at him over and over.

LASTLY, SHAMURA DOESN'T THINK THEY HAVE AUTISM. They're like "I love my Neurodivergent Family :) can't relate tho" but all the siblings have unanimously agreed they have something going on up there, even before the TBI. I think they're very book smart, and have little file cabinets of their brain of stuff like "arthropod husbandry" and "dreamcatcher making techniques" but are totally clueless to how other people operate. They don't really know *why* people do the things they do; in my prequel AU thing, they gain most of their social knowledge through people watching rather than like...being normal and just knowing how to behave. Out of all the siblings, they've probably been told the classic phrase "but you don't look autistic!" the most LMAO

Also shamura 100000% has misophonia and that's the reason I didn't have them sitting at the table with the other siblings in the voidpunk comic I did of them. They love their family to death but they have to make the conscious decision to not shake baby leshy every time he loudly chokes down his dinner, so they just sit out meals and eat on their own time. If shamura was real I would build them a shrine and sacrifice my noise cancelling headphones cause idk if they have sound reduction methods in cotl world <3

I know autism kinda encompasses ALL of these traits and isn't something that can be categorized into "this one hates noises, this one needs to follow a schedule..." but I also don't want to just point at one bishop and go "YOU. YOU WILL BE MY VESSEL" because I'd never get to write all that I have in mind if only one character had it. There's definitely overlaps in symptoms between them but I just wrote down what I felt would be the most notable to that specific character. I've been wanting to do a comic about their special interests or the times they just like sync up and have a brain blast jimmy neutron moment, cause usually they're all over the place. I have literally never said the word "autism" so many times in my life I think I gotta cut it here, THIS IS SO LONG. I REALLY DID WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS THOUGH SO THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK GENUINELY. IDK IF YOU EXPECTED A SMALL ESSAY ON THIS BUT I WROTE ONE ANYWAY

[hyperfixationstation128]

character: mr of waterdeep of course. (sorry. professor dekarios i mean...) 😘💜

Ahh! I love getting these asks! Gives me the perfect opportunity to ramble on and on about my favorite subjects! Thank you! 💖

I think it's safe to say that I relate myself quite closely to Gale. Not just because of the fact that he's Autism coded, but because of the loneliness he felt growing up. I never had a lot of friends as a child. I was the weird kid, the loser who wrote and drew too much. So, I feel very deeply connected to Gale on that front.

Well, aside from the obvious Tav pairing, I really like the thought of Gale and Shadowheart together. I feel like they'd bond over their shared experiences of being abused by their respective goddesses, and also, their banter just gives them good chemistry. My opinion, ofc.

I adore Gale and Wyll's dynamic. They just seem like two bros just broing out. They seem the types to spend an evening drinking and ending it by sobbing in each others arms. Gale x Wyll = mega bros.

My unpopular opinion? Not sure that I have one outside of Gale not being quite the arrogant, pompous jerk people see him as. Autistic people tend to miss social qeues and often say things that are unintentionally too blunt, too mean, too arrogant. I see a lot of people complaining that he talks like he knows everything about magic and I'm just like... he does?? He literally fucked magic, of course he's gonna talk that way!

Oof, I have a LOT of gripes with Larian when it comes to things I wish had been in the game. But one thing regarding this character is the quest to receive the Annals of Karsus. Idk it felt lackluster and a little boring to me. Like, wow, no beasts? No difficult puzzles? Maybe others disagree, but that quest deserves more. I also wish we had been given the chance to post up to Mystra, or at the very least, have Gale stand his ground with her a little more. The only way he challenges her is if he's convinced to take the crown for himself. I just wish he'd been a little more firm with her, y'know?

[proshippers-against-censorship]

morning guys obligatory pwdin pup ask I heart jackal’s blog

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Sorry had to get it out 💓 maybe it’s just me but seeing people who make like… “become autistic subliminal!!” stuff or who identify with the label in general pisses me off so bad

I mean I don’t interact with radqueer blogs, yt channels, anything nor the content though I see a lot of it through proship content

it just feels like. Borderline ableism because no you do not have my troubles and you never fucking will maybe try supporting people with autism and their struggles instead of idolizing us because “ooo haha colors ohhh I’m so oppressed… I’m literally so quirky… haha my special interest teehee trains… shapes and colors 🥺🥺 ohh what’s that?? I’m ableist?? erm srry can’t talk im nonverbal manifesting 💞💋” WHATTTT THE FUCK 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏

can y’all tell I have a lot of feelings abt this 🎀 I mean it like. Goes away since I only see it once every few months or smth I just get unnecessarily pressed upon seeing it

It’s like being gay for the aesthetic except it’s not being gay it’s trying to change your psychology

maybe they have attention problems idk but maybe get help for that instead of embracing your… trans… autistic… ness

I think it’s fine to have those thoughts but understand it’s wrong to like try and act on them and glamorize it and express your feelings in a healthier way like thru a hotline or smth if u don’t have a therapist or maybe try loving yourself the way you are instead of trying to be different so others will pay more attention to you and give you more comfort

just accept it

you are not autistic

you are you and that’s enough bro.

(I think I cooked w the last 3 lines picture a mic drop as I walk off stage)

I get being annoyed by stuff like that, but it is important to keep in mind that everyone has different experiences with their disabilities and mental state in general. While stuff may stand out as 'eugh, faker' to you, keep in mind that you don't actually have enough knowledge about the life that that person leads to actually know if they're feigning something like autism. Especially not if the only interaction you've had with them is online.

[h4t5t0f55l]

disclaimer: this is lighthearted please don't come for me. again i am aware my.mental health is no one else's responsibility i just found this fun.

there's always certain people who trigger me more than others. not that its their fault or that they've done anything wrong. but i find my.brain is unable to relax around them?

like one guy in my flat is very busy and all over the place. people look up to him. and he has quite a deadpan humour. he's the kind of guy who doesn't really understand why I am like this.

"oh you're scared, just do it!!"

he's nice and he's never been mean and yet i feel like i'm bothering him whenever i speak to him. i feel like i'm not good enough to speak to him. he's unobtainable so i can't obtain his time.

then there are the avoidants. those peopl3 who take ages to answer your texts. i am also those people depending on the day. the people that when you're together you might as well be the wall. the ones who never initiate. so then you force through you're own anxiety to try to. only to wish that you didn't care that this person doesn't care about you as much.

the victims, people who have it rough but then come to me with their problems. once i help them i bind myself in a never-ending cycle of supporting their emotional needs and comforting them in a weird co-dependency. when after all that time they should very well realise that this is a one way transaction.

they can rely on me but i cannot rely on them because they remind me that i have no reason to feel bad. and that i could have it worse. they keep me.in the cycle of self-supression. and constantly trying to avoid the deep ache in my stomach

honourable mentions/self-explanatory;

1) inpatient people "just hurry up" what if i kicked you in the shins

2) the too nice person. you just make me realise how shit of a person i am. i feel bad taking favours from you. i feel bad using your kindness. i feel bad that you like me enough. don't you know how horrible i am?

3) controlling people. nah fuck you

4) hypocrites. you bring out this righteous anger that i don't deserve to possess and i feel the need to smite you down so you realise you don't deserve to present yourself as moral. in turn i have brought myself down to their level

5) other emotionally volatile people. i can't deal with your emotions. please don't cry. i'll cry because it hurts and accidentally make it about me. or stand awkwardly not knowing what to do. pick your fighter.

6) assumption makers. why do you think you know what's going on in my head better than myself huh?

7) people who have what i want. aka parents who love them. its not fairrrrrr but also i can't blame you, i just wish i had it.

8) myself. bro's my biggest bully. it doesn't matter who i interact with. my brain just beats me up during and after.

9) my family.

10) not exactly the "victim" but maybe a special brand of them. those people who will try so hard to prove to you they have a problem/are different. like that person who makes it their whole personality that they have autism, like they don't even have to mention they think they're autistic. every sentence it's just "well i experience, *textbook autism symptom*" and ok I don't blame these people, they just feel the need to prove that their autistic enough to themselves and others and i understand it because there's the fear no one will believe you. but omg you're making me feel bad now. like for some resson the fact you're trying so hard to prove you're autistic is kind of making me feel invalid. like behind every sentence the person is trying to drop the hint. you think they're dying for you to be like "oh are you autistic" but you don't because you don't care and if they wanted you to know that they were then they should just say. idk. it just irks me as someone who's autsitic themself. and these people are often the same people as in the next category

11) the "i've suffered worse than you's" and the "look at how hard i have it". slow down man it's not a competition. i can tell the difference between someone genuinely venting and those that are doing it for some sort of pity points. sorry the narcissism i suffer with just jumps out around these people. like how the fuck can you just blatently fish for attention like that, do you have no shame? but also damn I kind of wish i could do that too but i'm not allowed to. why is no one calling you out on it? what do you mean? you're also terribly ruining the vibe and making me dislike you. the venters i don't dislike because even though they trigger my discomfort and self-loathing they are genuinely seeking help from a friend and its my duty to be their friend. the "look how hard i have it's" are like.. annoying. there's this urge to be like "i don't care" but thats mean. but i genuinely don't. i stopped caring by the 3rd time you mentioned it.

12) unpredictable people/loud people

13) people who try to simulate the emotionally abusive connection i have with my parents by making me rely on them as they are both my abuser and saviour and because they cut me off from all my friends and used my autism against me so i didn't realise they didn't mean it when they said they liked me

[goodnighttwincest]

Mental Illness Moment.png implored me to distract myself and thus this blog happened lmfao. LOOK if I drop this gig in a few weeks don't blame me 😭

Intro Post ٩(˃̶͈̀௰˂̶͈́)و

You can call me Ravi!!!

like the e/pic 7 character only because i steal all my names from that game

Bodily 17, POC + a system, and unapologetically proship

I don't do queer/syscourse !!

Actually dxed with ADHD, self dx autism/bp2/and Maybe bpd depending on how bad things continue playing out (bro i hate my life)

My goal for this blog? Reblog a lot of stuff, cry about antis, cry about mental illness.png, and maybe make friends???? Before I inevitably disappear again ofc

I'll mostly reblog stuff + post about personal hardships and proship stuff so if that bothers you I advise you not to follow!!

(Also hoping to rope proshippers into Idolish7 because this series needs to be infested with proshippers more. We have incest + minor/adult + toxic yaoi + power imbalance struggles you guys 🥺)

Stances + BYF

Proship/Comship/Selfship/Profic/Fujin/Whatever Dude IDK-friendly

Pro-systems of any origins; endos and non-traumagenic systems friendly (speaking as a traumagenic sys)

Pro non-contact para, pro-recovery, pro-self dx, pro-otherkin/furry/therian, pro-be a gentle and kind person to everyone (even antis) (like,, I try my best)

Pro-l0lish0!!!!!! <- from a l0licon (/r) and sh0tacon (/r + /sx)

Mostly neutral regarding radinclus but I do like twisting genders and sexualities into funny shapes. Plus I respect your choices to be whatever as long as you don't make others hurt. So.

Anti radqueer/sysmeds/terfs & transmeds/zionists

Anti rcta/transids.

RPF proship is rlly iffy... either keep it strictly to yourself and out of sight of creators or do it publicly only when people involved consent (I'm mostly using m/c/y/t as a framework here)

Strictly NO RPF shit involving child actors and children. In fiction is fine.

(I'm not very vocal about the stuff I'm against but just know that I personally dislike it lol)

BYF: I experience severe age lag and also adults terrify me due to personal trauma but feel free to follow and interact!! :') I'd prefer people around or below my bodily age to befriend me though sorry. Also I don't rlly have a DNI but take heed of the list above ig?

Umm extras? I like H/onkai S/tar R/ail and G/enshin lore I guess. And hmu if you like TennRiku/RikuTenn & TouTora plsplspls 🥺

Tags

ravi rambles a lot -> random talking

ravi rambles a lot (ill) -> mental illness vents

ravi's little things -> daily life

[canonizzyhours]

idk if this is appropriate since it isn't about canon izzy directly but i need somewhere anonymous to complain about 'the canyon.' i'm not in a lot of fandoms so i don't know if this is normal fandom behavior or what. I hope it isn't. this has been a uniquely upsetting experience for me. I have, like, next level autism for this show so of course i had to find Every single scrap of information about it and in the course of my obsessive 'research' i encountered these guys a lot, almost from the very beginning.

at first i thought it was funny and cute, like when people are hot for hannibal lector or some fucked up little guy. they wrote the worst ever fanfiction. that was fine, I could forgive that. but then they started saying things like 'if you watch it from izzy's perspective you'll see that he's the real hero and ed is the villain.' like girl no I've watched it 96 times and never once found this authoritarian incel karen good or relatable. the one that really got me was 'in any other show he'd be the protagonist.' yeah bro that's why i like this one? go watch one of those?

by like the fourth month they already had a bizarre victim complex. I just avoided talking about him completely because they would get really rude and start in with the guilt trips if you mentioned izzy even in a neutral way, let alone if you said anything about homophobia or psychological abuse. they called people abusive and homophobic and racist (?) if they said anything negative about fictional white man izzy hands. they threatened to sue someone. remember when there was an essay about him in a zine that was actually pretty positive? and most of the comments online were about how the actors and writers would definitely read this and be heartbroken. probably cry. maybe not even want to make the show anymore. it was a fan zine.

i didn't even like izzy except as an antagonist, but somehow they almost convinced me that i was watching it wrong. i started to seriously think, like, what if the writers were on his side all along? what if they really were making the main (queer, indigenous) love interest abusive and my very favorite thing was not as good as i thought it was? why not, when i've always had to twist a story to pretend it's for me? maybe i'd done it without realizing this time. i would have been so disappointed. and the way season two was done, there was like a week where i think i really believed it. it made me feel like i couldn't trust my own judgement. probably I was depending too much on this one tv show for serotonin because I cried a lot during that time, but you know how it is. the point is, it should have been a fun time for me but it was not.

i was so happy when he died, though. that cheered me right up and i'm fine now. i know I'm being dramatic and none of my complaints are very important in the grand scheme of things (i didn't even get into the racism) but they almost fucked up my Autism Favorite Thing for me and i want it to be documented somewhere that i will never forgive them for that <3 <3 <3

#31.

related posts: #29

(so i'd have posted this anyway bc of recent posts talking about questioning their views of izzy bc of the prevalence of canyon takes insisting he's a protagonist etc. but even without that, this blog was literally created because of a need for a space to talk about canon izzy and a need for acknowledgement that fanon izzy has become very widespread, mostly due to the canyon actions you mention. so it's difficult to separate the two when the blog was partially born from people thinking they were the only one to feel this way!)

[blonkk]

i wish i wasn’t myself i mean after every single interaction or word that comes out of my mouth i want to rip my skin off. i fucking hate being a specimen like being treated like an experiment oh you’re depressed go on zoloft. oh it stopped working go on trazadone. oh that makes you black out for 15 hours in a row so that will cure your chronic insomnia but here go on cypralex. oh you have menstrual irregularities go on birth control. oh you’re sexually active have a pap smear (maybe this one’s different but idk i hate being probed and treated like a lab rat). one doctor literally said to me he thought it’s time i get a boyfriend (i think i was 21 or 22 at the time). yeah it’s low iron take these supplements. oh the insomnia is still there do a sleep study. six months from now. in another six months i’m told “there’s nothing wrong you you just have reverse sleep syndrome, best you can do is just try to find a night job and live the rest of your life like a fucking owl.” you’re 16 and you have PCOS. you’re 26 and wait now scratch that it wasn’t PCOS at all! silly us. we don’t know what it is tho our bad. yes you definitely qualify for a psychiatrist. just to be told after years of being on a waiting list and screened for months at the very first meeting with said medical professional that i “don’t really need this and there’s no point in continuing.” ok ok things are starting to make sense you’ve got adhd. try 10 now 20 now 50 mg of vyvanse and good news it will reduce your appetite so you’ll lose weight 2 birds in 1 stone right? (my doctor actually said this to me). hmmm things keep coming up, there’s a possibility of mild OCD and probable autism. autism. you are showing telltale signs of autism

i cannot take it anymore i don’t want to be a lifelong patient fr i’m gonna be coke a hypochondriac. the scariest thing is that i think the autism thing might be real the more i think ab how i feel in social settings and how i hate talking to people and never feel like i belong and things i say get misinterpreted and i can’t read social cues….i want to be fucking normal but the more that i get dismissed or randomly diagnosed and prescribed different random shit the more hopeless i feel like whyyyy can’t i just be normal. i was at a relatives place tonight and more people than i thought were there and i had to talk to people i don’t know and when i wasn’t stretching myself thin by making polite tedious conversation and wanting to kill myself after every word i said because i never seem to be able to read the room right i was trying not to cry because there were too many people and i was completely overwhelmed. literally i hate it so much but i’m gonna be 27…. what does it even matter anymore? i’ve made it this far being fucking sick all the time and socially fucking vacant and not fitting in anywhere with anyone so i can pretty much just keep doing it. i just wish he gave me one fucking thing lol he had to make me fat annoying permanent insomniac mentally ill and apparently “neurodivergent” and weird like bro just one fucking win would be nice. like i’m too anxious to even be dependent on substances like i’m so sorry if this is fucked up but i wish could use drugs and drinking to cope but i can’t because my brain doesn’t let me relax for five fucking seconds so smoking weed makes me paranoid as hell and i literally have some sort of blockage in my brain that prevents me from getting drunk. plus i’m too anxious to ever fully lose control it’s way too terrifying for me.

basically i’m wound up tighter than a spring and self medicating is out so i just cope by coping which is getting kinda fucking hard. what happens when i lose my student coverage, how the fuck am i gonna afford my drugs?? i’m already way over my therapy coverage and see her biweekly and now only monthly. i live my life in a constant state of exhaustion and interrupted functioning as a result of not sleeping, anxiety and apparently being fucking adhd plus whatever the fuck else. i’m too tired to keep finding new ways to manage like i can’t manage anymore. i wonder if there’s really nothing wrong or if over the past 11 years no doctor has really ever been able to do their fucking job. and tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. i don’t want to be anything i don’t want to be medicated or sedated i want to be normal and go to sleep when i’m tired and smile when i’m happy and cry when i’m sad and eat when i’m hungry and speak when i have something to say. i don’t understand bro why couldn’t i have just one fucking thing!!!!!