#maybe they’re not what I believe but valid nonetheless

[quibbs126]

For me, most of the cookies of darkness are kind of terrible to each other. They don't really have much trust or love for each other, just working on a job for a charismatic leader.

Dark Choco was one of the few ones who managed to get out of that group and seams to be doing all the better for it. I like to think that if he and Licorice where to have a relationship, it would also require Licorice leaving the group as well.

What i mean to say is, 'Thats how i'm fanficing the ship'. Where Licorice ether leaves or otherwise is questioning what he's doing with his life, and wants to see how Dark Choco is doing.

Yeah, looking at their relationship charts and just their behavior in general, outside of Poison Mushroom, in canon they seem to be a pretty dysfunctional group. I get why people want to make them into like a found family, and I do find it cute, but again, in canon this doesn’t seem to be the case. So yeah, I get what you mean. And your idea of how this relationship would happen and Licorice leaving also sounds like an interesting one.

This isn’t necessarily for shipping purposes, it’s just in general, but I did once have an idea that Licorice, along with others like his minions and maybe Poison Mushroom, end up leaving the Cookies of Darkness because of the Sovereign of Darkness, and seeing what that thing is and knowing how messed up it is for Dark Choco is what gets him to leave. Because while Licorice may not have liked Dark Choco all that much, he definitely didn’t deserve being made into basically a living dough puppet, his only moments of consciousness being agonizing screams, and what possibly transpired to turn him into the Sovereign. Like it’s way too far and he can’t really stand for it, so he leaves and maybe warns the good guys (though that doesn’t necessarily mean he joins them). Just something I wanted to share

[comradekarin]

That last ask you got here, just reminds me of the fact that while TS fandom claims to be all about feminism and women supporting women, it surely lacks intersectionality and it SHOWS and this is in great part because that’s the kind of advocacy they get from the celeb they worship, that’s why is dangerous to just pander to one kind of feminism as if everyone had an universal experience, when it couldn’t be further from the reality, we need to have those conversations we need to learn from one another and whoever has a privilege, should make good use of it to uplift those who can’t at the moment

Yup!! That’s basically the point I’m trying to hone to be honest. Again, I absolutely believe we should support female artists in the music industry, especially when they will be held to higher standards than other male artists (even in that area we can have a conversation about the dynamic race plays between male artists, too). However, it’s imperative we discuss how Taylor and her fans only use feminism to tell other people they can’t be mean to her, or critique her. Are these group of people the minority in the fan base? Maybe, sure. But should we sweep it under the rug and let it fester just because it’s the minority? No.

Do I believe the average Taylor Swift stan is normal and doesn’t hate black women? Yes. I believe there’s a lot of them who just enjoy her music and don’t feel the need to bash other black female artists in order to prove how much better Taylor is. Nonetheless, there’s still a large group of her fans who claim to support all women but will not hesitate to degrade and shut out the voices of woc making valid criticisms against Taylor. Just look at the Matty Healy situation. A white woman’s partner is exposed for making disgusting racist comments about black women, and the responses are not “this powerful rich white woman is continuing to date this man and is being complicit through her silence, which is enabling his repulsive behavior and she needs to be held accountable” but instead “we need her to stay away from this bad man!”. Yes, because the image and reputation of this white woman is more important than the dangerous rhetoric her partner is spreading about the same women she claims to support! Yes, because this white woman can have a collab with the same woman (ice spice) her boyfriend was making racist remarks about and everything is ok! Yes, because it is the white woman who is the victim here, and if you can’t see that you’re a misogynist!

Taylor’s silence during the wave of transphobia, the criminalization and banning of drag shows, the uptick of hate against black women, and so much more just makes sense when you look at the company she keeps. Didn’t her team try to sue a journalist for stating Taylor constantly toes the line with conservatives and white supremacists a few years back? Just look at the CO2 emissions drama where everyone was like “man I hate privileged white millionaires” and then she dropped an album and everyone forgot? Any critique for Taylor is met with these responses: A) Taylor isn’t the worst apple out of the bunch so why is she getting attacked like this B) Y’all would never do this to male celebrities so just say y’all hate women C) Why is Taylor blamed for the actions of other men or D) [justifying anything Taylor has done].

So, what you’re saying is correct anon. We can not talk about feminism and supporting “all women” while also trying to lump the struggles of all women into a single category. The initial Feminist movement itself excluded other women of color, it was something only meant for white women. White women have a level of privilege over other women of color, and we can’t pretend they don’t because they’re just “women, too”. White women and their fake white tears have done so much harm to marginalized communities, especially my own black community. I want this conversation to actually mean something, for it to be a moment of self reflection, for it to actually be about supporting, advocating for, and uplifting the voices of all women. I don’t want this talk of “support all women” to only be brought up when someone attacks your white fav.

[myrfing]

i sometimes daydream about people’s characters LMAOAOOA. in the rare times I draw them, I’m obsessive about expressing what I like about them, what I think is charming. i imagine in my head how the stories being told to me go, how the light in the setting is and how their character walks and blinks and how surely they speak, and what kinds of moments people want to convey when they tell them. i like thinking about how someone’s character would be like if i passed them on the street in the same universe; totally fucking corny but I imagine my head turning each time. and until now I legitimately couldn’t fathom everyone whose ever decided to read my 72927393 word long texts about gourd or drawn him wonderfully with consideration to everything I’ve said he was was just being a fake loser for clout or validation or whatever. a lot of people are not stuck here just by force or vice; they’re here because they choose to be, generally. people share things here pretty much BECAUSE people can pick and choose whether to be interested or not, and it’s not personal when they aren’t. impersonal and shallow maybe, sure, but you can choose whether or not to even be here at all.

i dont think people are being cringe or hypocritical for answering wolqtds with earnestness or sharing fandom shit they wouldn’t share in real life, even if they are catty or disingenuous in other contexts. very kind and down to earth and mature people wouldn’t share their fantasy rps with their coworkers or drinking friends, either. it’s just time and place. i promise you you will loathe people far less and be far less bitter if you stop trying to psychoanalyze people you never have spoken to nor have to speak to. you really dont have to guess anyone’s intentions online or be afraid of other people who are most likely not neatly in any sort of mental category or dichotomy you’ve imagined them to be in your sickness of them. i say this as the #1 makes snap judgements about people guy LMFAO i only know what is shown to me and I don’t forget that. and while it’s all a telling part of them nonetheless, my curiosity or how much weight I lend to that judgement is up to me and only matters to me yeah. i’ve found myself worrying too about what impact my opinions have on other people and at that point I just removed myself. and then remembered it doesnt matter one bit lmaooo most everyone comes to their own heart’s conclusions on their own time and believe what they want as a summation of their experiences i never was so powerful as to influence people in that way

[overlordchris]

You know what time it is

Time to bitch again.

I feel like it’s very clear what I want/need. Acceptance, validation, trust.

But the problem is it’s all external.

I know I know, you can say “it needs to come from within first”, but that’s just not true for me. So much of this stems from needing this from someone else.

How can I convince myself to feel those things about myself when I’m completely alone?

I can tell myself that I’m valid, and that it’s fine to be me, but I look at the evidence, and no one else seems to think that.

So, who’s right here? Me, or literally everyone else? Something tells me if I’m the only one who believes a thing, it’s almost impossible I’m the one in the right.

I just don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’ve done everything I possibly can to keep people around, but none of it has worked.

There’s only so much I can do by myself. I need help. I’m lost and alone. Those things can’t be solved by oneself because they’re directly linked to external sources.

This isn’t to say I’ve always felt like this. I start any relationship with some degree of confidence. It’s how I get my foot in the door, so to speak. But when cracks appear, like developing a crush on someone else, or expressing regret for not exploring certain things before you met me, those things don’t just heal for me. They serve as evidence towards my belief that I’m not enough. I can’t make anyone happy. I’m a burden, and so forth.

Like a boat with a hole in it, I can only keep afloat for so long. You can toss out some of the water, but when the hole itself is never fixed, and eventually more holes are made, I can only stay afloat for so long. It’s times like this where I need help. I need to be fought for. My passenger can swim, but once I sink I’m sunk.

This all to say that I understand things happen. I’m not innocent of crushing on someone while with someone. But, where I would argue I differ, at least in the partnerships I’ve had, it stems from being ignored by one partner and treated with attention by someone else. I’m honest and upfront with things because I don’t see any reason to not be. But, on the opposite end, there hasn’t been that acknowledgement right out the gate. There are secrets, ones that I do always intuit being there, but even when the truth would come out, it always felt like a “it is what it is” sort of deal. No fight to restore what there was, no discussion into how to rekindle that closeness, no attempt to plug the hole.

Each time this happened, I never fully recovered. Seeds of doubt were planted and left to grow. Maybe not given water and light, but allowed for things to progress nonetheless. As such my demons would grow stronger. Fear of abandonment would heighten my depression because, of course they’d leave me, or of course they’d fall for someone else. My anxiety would heighten because without there being a resolution, or even an attempt at one, paranoia would would start to take hold and instead of being comfortable with my partner, I felt as if at any moment things would just fall apart.

I try to keep afloat, because I always saw the value in these people, even if I’d grow towards not seeing any in myself. But alas, things compound and the more comfortable I start to feel, the more these traits slip out, which in turn drives people away, and ultimately causes my partner to abandon ship.

I just want there to be some effort, I don’t think that’s too much to ask. First relationship, sure, I didn’t even know what I was going through was not a normal thing, but I did still appreciate the effort and had there just been some more confrontation and honesty in terms of a potential outcome, my behavior would have changed. I know this because it did. Too little too late, but in the final months I was actively starting to seek help.

With the second relationship, those moments of doubt, while still heightening my flaws, they still did bring about change. But, again, too little too late in that the problems needed to be addressed before they got to where they did.

Communication. That’s what it takes. When the partner has reached a state, or pushes themselves to learn how to just be open and honest, work can be done. The holes can at the very least be plugged. At least then there’s a chance to realign and see if the boat needs to come ashore, or if the pair can keep sailing together.

I just wanted the chance for that.

Think about it, if you truly cared about your partner, and mayhaps started to no longer feel that passion, wouldn’t it be the best thing to do to try and have a conversation? Cause when you don’t, things will never end on good terms. I may not have been cheated on, but the feelings of betrayal and abandonment are still there.

There may never be a good time to break up with someone, but there are certainly worse times. Doing so after secrets start to be kept, and choosing to just go through the motions without reaching out for help, the inevitable becomes that much worse. Because now it is no longer just a heartbreak, lasting trauma is stacked on top of it all.

The ship has been abandoned, fished out, and put back out on the water. But, any repairs in the interim still lets water leak through. My abilities to trust in myself and others has been lessened, which only serves to make this journey forward much more difficult and daunting.

[taiblogcomics]

Making a Nara Escape

Hey there, cotton candy queens. The more we get through, the quicker we finish Avengers Arena. Today we're on issue 15 of 18! The end is so close, I can smell it! It's a rank, unpleasant, fecal sort of smell, but smell it nonetheless I can. Let's get into it and get through it~

Here's the cover:

Well, if you like hairy muscular guys, I guess this cover's for you. Personally, I'm indifferent at best, so this cover does nothing for me. Anachronism doesn't even have a beard in the comic. His chin is completely bare, and his sideburns (though long) aren't nearly that wild. Also, this man: not a teenager. Like, maybe this is what Anachronism will look like in, like, 20 years, but representative of his current look in the comic? Not even close~

So, last time, everyone got sprayed with trigger scent, so X-23's a little berserk right now. Cullen revealed his sad backstory of being forgotten by his dad in a magic dimension and then possessed by a monster. It's that latter bit that's relevant right now, as he removes his magic ring and turns into a giant monster to fight X-23. Nara's our narrator today (Nara-rator?), and she's waxing on about how hot she thinks violence is. Any other day, she'd be wet over this fight for multiple reasons. But with Anachronism terrified for those same reasons, all she wants is to help him. Oh no, human emotions!

Nara gets Anachronism to snap out of his catatonic staring and points out that Cullen did that to help them, to help Anachronism specifically. Now, how can they help him in return? Cammi, who was privy to Cullen's backstory last issue, replies that they need to find his magic ring to seal him up again. The ring he dropped. In the sand. And it cuts to the wide beach. Okay? It's a beach. The ring should still be on top of the sand unless you deliberately buried it. If it was a desert, I'd believe this was a problem, but beach sand is too waterlogged to instantly bury something.

Meanwhile, X-23 is fighting Monster!Cullen. It's a real claw-vs-claw battle, and despite holding up pretty well against a guy way bigger than she is, she admits she doesn't know how to kill him. Personally, I'm amazed trigger-scent-berserk X-23 is articulate enough to say anything. Then suddenly Chasehawk, Nico, and Reptil drop out of the sky and lay fire on Monster!Cullen, shouting "Leave her alone!" This suddenly raises the very valid point of: I don't know who I'm rooting for in this fight. There's, like, no stakes to this. I think that makes it a bad fight scene.

While they're searching the beach, Anachronism exposits about the kind of beast that Cullen's turned into (a Glartrox) and all the horrible things it can do (such as "lay eggs in your soul"). Anachronism mentions there's a second thing they can do if they don't find the ring, but Cammi triumphantly holds up the ring, saying not to worry about that. That's when Reptil falls out of the sky, having been knocked aside by the big explosion attack the other two rained down, landing on top of Cammi and knocking the ring into the ocean nearby. Wah-wah-waah~

Well, Nara's a fish bitch, so she dives in after the ring, cursing herself for doing so. This looks like a job for Aquaman! And now we get her plot-mandated flashback. I feel like adding so many OCs to the roster was just a convenient way to pad out the comic's runtime with flashbacks. The long and short of it was that Nara's parents were traitors working against Namor, and they were killed. Namor then tells the young Nara that he doesn't hold her parent's sins against her, nor should she excuse him from her scorn. He then exiles her to the surface. Yeah, that sounds like the Douche King of the Seven Seas.

She snaps herself out of her thoughts and spots the ring. Meanwhile, the more they fight Monster!Cullen, the more power and size he gets. This is rapidly getting out of control, to where the likes of Spinosaurus!Reptil and Nico's best spells aren't making a dent. Says a lot, really, when berserk!X-23 was the one doing the best against him. So Anachronism brings up that second option: kill the host. Not only does he know how, he says Cullen made him promise to do so if he got out of control. Coz that's what friends do. I mean, I guess, but I don't think you'll be seeing the "Dear Princess Celestia, today I had to mercy-kill a friend" episode any time soon~

He gets into position while the rest of the group provides a distraction, and Anachronism whispers an apology as he linds up his blow. But then Nara bursts out of the sea, holding up the ring, yelling for them to stop. The yelling draws Monster!Cullen's attention, and he charges toward Nara. It swipes into her to lift her off the ground, and she yells for further instructions. Anachronism tells her to touch the ring to Cullen's body, and she does so. Cullen turns back into his human form, but the comic ends with the reveal that the swipe killed Nara. Another one bites the dust.

Not a great issue! You probably don’t need me to tell you that so precisely, but here we are. Generally, I don’t like issues that are solely fight scenes like this to begin with, you know me by now. But, like, at least most of the time, you know why the fight is happening, and who you want to come out of it fine. This is one of those where the fight happens because literally the plot made it happen. I don’t like Cullen, but I don’t want him to be killed for Arcade’s stupid game. I also don’t want the others to be killed. I think that’s it, I just hate this whole thing because it’s more of Arcade’s machinations. Also, like, what happened to X-23? She just drops out of the fight halfway through, even though she’s the reason there was one in the first place. Last we saw, she got gut-shot by the monster’s claw and slumped against a tree. But was she knocked out? It’s a bit unclear, and I hate when things are unclear.

[hurlumerlu]

Kinnporsche week 2022

Day 6 : “Why are you naked?” + fun

“Why are you naked?”

It’s kind of a silly question, and could have been prefaced by good morning. Pete doesn’t stop his workout.

“I’m not naked. I’m wearing a tank top.”

“Hmm.” In the window, the reflection of a bed-haired Vegas shuffles into the living room. “Don’t you own, like, ten of those? You didn’t have to steal mine.”

“I didn’t want to wake you up so I picked one at random.” Pete throws a glance over his shoulder, “But it’s true that this one is a little tight, now that you mention it.”

“Please. You’re not that buff.” Vegas flops on the couch. He rarely bothers to strive for elegance when they’re alone, but there’s a certain grace to his movements anyway, innate or practiced until it became automatic. Pete doesn’t know. Maybe they’ll talk about it one day.

“Buffer than you are”, he says instead, because riling Vegas has always, always been fun.

“And in the nude in front of the patio door, for everyone to see.”

Bait not taken, then. Fine. Pete huffs. He’s facing the garden. Everyone, here, only means the one person who’s already seen all there was to see, up close and personal, multiple times. In fact, Pete’s pretty sure he still has forensics-usable toothprints on his left cheek.

“Can’t a man be naked in his own home?”

A rhetorical question, sure, but the lack of response unsettles him nonetheless. Pete sets his dumbbells down and turns.

Vegas is staring at him with soft eyes.

“What? It’s not that weird. Our junk needs to breathe too, you know.”

Vegas doesn’t even raise an eyebrow. When he speaks, his voice is even softer than his gaze. “I think it’s the first time you called it home.”

It can’t be true, can it? It’s their house. It’s their home. Surely he’s said so before. Hasn’t he? Was Vegas quietly waiting for that validation, for yet another reassurance? Pete clears his throat.

“Well, it is. My home. And I will walk its grounds butt-naked if I want to.”

“As you should.” Vegas laughs. It’s another soft thing, small and private, not intended for mass consumption. Pete wants to eat it. “I’m a firm believer in nakedness in the house. But I was hoping you were trying to seduce me first thing in the morning.”

Pete takes the time to consider that. He knows he looks ridiculous right now, but. But.

“Would it work?” he asks, and if he fails at not sounding hopeful, that’s all right. He’ll let Vegas win that one.

[majestyeverlasting]

Congratulations on your one month tumblr anniversary! Could you please write prompts 16 and 46 with fatws!Bucky x reader? Thank you! :)

♡ Hi, thank you so much! I appreciate you for waiting on me to write this. I had a lot of fun with it, so I hope you enjoy! To summarize, the reader gets to accompany Bucky on an assignment in Germany, and the two of them take advantage of the special housing arrangement they’re given on a private portion of the beach. You guys get to see a little dash of multilingual Bucky towards the end in a really sweet way. The whole thing is pretty cute overall.

♡ Prompt 16: “You’re not good at pretending to be asleep.”

♡ Prompt 46: “Stop making me laugh, I’m supposed to be angry with you.”

Once More

As the tide rolled in, a gentle breeze came with it. Each ebb and flow brought the lukewarm water of the bay running over your feet as your toes pressed into the soft sand. The seagulls gliding above seemed to be welcoming you as they released their throaty cries into the air. Aside from them and the gentle slosh of the bubbling tide, there were no immediate sounds; it was peaceful.

That portion of the beach was private, situated along the Bay of Kiel. It sat behind the small, white, house that you and Bucky were staying in for the week-long duration of his assignment. It was the first time in a while that you’d been able to accompany him because, for once, he and Sam were solely doing investigative work.

There would be no intense pursuits, no combat, no casualties. Just observing.

In the weeks prior, the Office of International Affairs in D.C. had received word that under-the-table negotiations were being proposed in the port city of Kiel. They needed eyes and ears on the ground to confirm whether or not such claims were valid. Because if they were, a major threat would be posed to European infrastructure and the millions who depended on it. So after housing arrangements were made, the three of you were flown into a private airport in Germany along with a couple of military agents.

It was a peculiar getaway, but a getaway no less.

You let out a small yelp when a pair of arms snaked around your waist from behind, squeezing gently. “Hey, pretty girl,” Bucky murmured into your ear, kissing it afterwards. “I saw you walk out here.”

As you relaxed, a thoughtful hum rose up your throat. “I figured you might’ve. You’re not very good at pretending to be asleep.”

Before you wandered out to the shoreline, Bucky had been laying on the wicker couch on the back porch, baby blue cushions beneath him. There were a pair of aviator sunglasses covering his eyes as his chest rose with steady breaths. You had paused to see if he was awake and would acknowledge you. The corners of his lips twitched upwards the slightest bit, which you almost considered calling him out for.

But when he didn’t show any other signs of being awake, you leaned down to press a light kiss to his forehead before heading down the steps, and onto the wooden walkway that led to the sand.

At your comment, Bucky chuckled and let his mouth move the spot beneath your ear, nipping gently.

You shivered, and said, “I should’ve pinched you.”

“That wouldn’t have been nice.” A smile was evident in his voice.

You shrugged with a small huff of laughter. The two of you then gazed out at the expanse of the bay. Ships sailed along the line of the horizon in the distance. The tide continued rolling in, though never rising quite above your knees.

“I love you,” he said eventually, his words competing with the seagulls.

“I love you too.” He coaxed you to turn to face him. When you did, you saw that the white button down he wore was unbuttoned and flowing in the calm wind.

Seamlessly, his flesh hand rose to cup your face and he connected his lips to yours. You could taste the lingering hint of Merlot on his tongue from when you two had shared a glass in the hour prior. Bucky kissed you slowly, and gently, yet still with passion. Had the tide not been lapping at your legs, you would have had reason to believe you were floating.

You chased his lips for a final peck when he started to pull away, making him smile. He looked handsome in the late afternoon sun and you allowed yourself to study his face. A few freckles lined his cheeks and you reached up to run your finger over them. Then your hand fell so that you could wrap your arms around him in an embrace. His secured around you in return.

It was getting closer to the time he had to meet up with Sam and the agents to eavesdrop on a meeting being held at a classified location near the Port of Kiel shipyard.

“You have to leave me soon, don’t you?” You asked, head resting on his shoulder.

“In another hour,” he confirmed. “I should be back before it gets too late.”

“Okay,” you murmured. “And you promise you guys will be safe?”

Bucky chuckled and gave you a squeeze. “We’ve done this kinda stuff once or twice, doll. We’ll be alright,” he said, a note of teasing to his tone. “But, yes. I promise.”

It was before midnight when he arrived back at the house. Late, but before midnight nonetheless. When he walked through the front door, you were laying on the couch in the living room, curled up in one of the fluffy blankets you’d packed. The TV glowed as it aired a nightly news report that had failed to grasp your full attention. You would’ve crawled into bed had you not been waiting for him.

The sight of his tall frame made you push yourself up to stand, the blanket slipping off you, and back down to the couch. You didn’t realize that a small smile had stretched across your face.

“See?” He said, smiling back. “Not too bad, right? Could’ve been later.”

“Yeah,” you agreed. “How’d everything go?”

He ran a hand through his hair as he began to walk towards you. His boots thudded against the wooden planks of the floor. “Things are looking pretty good so far,” he began. There wasn’t anything discussed that raised reason for concern. We’ll see how things play out as we keep an eye out these next few days. That’ll determine everyone’s next move,” he explained, stopping a little ways in front of you. “How about you, pretty girl? What’d you get up to while I was gone?”

Nothing worth noting, you wanted to say. But you decided to tease him instead. “Oh, you know.” You shrugged. “A little bit of everything. Went out on the town, danced on a few tables, got whisked away by a stranger—electrifying stuff.”

A hint of a smirk appeared on Bucky’s face as he narrowed his eyes at you. “I don’t think you’d look this cozy after doing all that.” He began to take off his leather jacket, revealing a black T-shirt that accentuated the definition of his upper body. His vibranium arm almost seemed to blend into the dark fabric, making the gold streaks of accent stand out. Black was one of your favorite colors on him for that very reason.

But you weren’t done messing with him quite yet. “Maybe that’s what I want it to seem like.” You raised your brows in a challenge. Bucky stared at you for a few more beats before stalking off towards the master bedroom with a lighthearted roll of his eyes.

“Wait, no! Don’t leave.” You laughed, following after him.

Bucky didn’t react when you wrapped your arms around him in a jarring hug, forcing him to walk into the bedroom carting a portion of your weight as you attempted to slow his steps. The room was a modest space suited with a neutral color scheme. Lots of browns and creams with a couple pops of a pretty burnt orange. The full-sized bed was smaller than the two of you were used to, but the proximity that came along with sleeping in it hadn’t been too bad the previous night.

He tossed his jacket onto it.

“I was just kidding,” you said. “I was here the whole time. I went out back to watch the sunset, but I hardly did anything other than that. Just scrolled on my phone and read a little. And missed you.”

He finally laughed and pried your arms from around him. “I know, doll.” Then he smirked. “You’d probably fall if you actually tried dancing on a table.”

“Hey!” You lightly slapped his chest with the back of your hand. “I would not.” Bucky’s laughter dwindled when you pouted and took a seat on the edge of the bed.

“Oh, c’mon,” he said, moving to stand in front of you. “I was joking. You know I was.” You almost cracked a smile when he lifted your chin so you could meet his eyes.

“Ich liebe dich,” he stated. German for I love you.

“I have no idea what you just said.” That was a lie.

You let him pull you to your feet as his shoulders shook with amusement. “Yes you do,” he countered.

Then he took your face in his hands and pressed a kiss to your forehead, your nose, and peppered some across your cheeks in a way that pleasantly ghosted over your skin. In between them, he told you that he loved you in a few of the languages he spoke—the ones in which he knew you were familiar with the phrase. He even called you “pretty girl” in Russian before pecking your lips. The whole while, warmth spread through your face.

He smiled at the sight of the sparkle in your eyes. “Do I need to repeat anything, or did you understand?”

That drew a chuckle out of you, against your attempt and feigning indifference. “Stop making me laugh,” you whined in defeat. “I’m supposed to be angry with you.”

“And how’s that working out?”

“It’s not,” you muttered. “I love you too.”

And your lips met his once more.

-

Thanks for reading!

Click here for more fluffy Bucky stuff.

[fierceawakening]

Oh, yeah, I know she may very well not intend it. Maybe this is a strange thing to say but I kind of… don’t think she processes meanness the way other people do. Like she doesn’t seem to think about fairness, she seems to think about whether “you’ve done all you can do” and use that as the measure. And if that’s the measure, I’m not actually convinced she’s doing all she can for me, but I AM convinced she believes she is.

Which I think is how she Can fail to ask herself if it’s lopsided. Because if we each are expected to give all we can, then she can notice when I’m not doing that snd chastise me, and in a sense maybe even be right. Yes, I’m relaxing. Yes, I could be doing what she wants instead. Yes, I chose not to… so yes, i am a lazy and unappreciative offspring.

It’s why I absolutely loathe “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.” It’s fundamentally and blatantly unfair, and there’s no (at least not from people who quote that and don’t say much else) fail safe to make sure of the difference between what each is ABLE to do and what each is able to HEALTHILY do. “If something is easy for you it’s not generally bad for society to ask you to do it a lot” is a good rule of thumb, sure, but every rule of thumb has exceptions. Easy things can become burdensome, and it’s not even hard for me to think of how.

What you’re recommending is basically what my therapist is saying… that I can see the limitations she has in maintaining close intimate relationships, and that that’s a valid reason to mourn the intimate relationship I want with her, where each of us gives to the other and makes each other more happy than sad.

What’s happening with me when I ask these questions (I think) is that a part of me doesn’t want to believe she’s stunted because I worry that’s mean. But that throws me back into “well then I must be doing something wrong.”

Which is why when Erin said, “oh it’s definitely competing access needs” I panicked. Because that throws me back into “this is solvable.” Where if she is a little stunted somehow I can care about her and even love her, but nonetheless I CANNOT expect or hope for the relationship I would like, which I can have with others who aren’t stunted in the sane way but can’t have with her.

Which I think is why “that’s ableist” throws me so hard too.

It’s not ableist to conclude she appears incapable, even if she wouldn’t like hearing it, because facts (and attempts to get at facts as best one can) aren’t ableist. Actions are.

Beliefs CAN be, but only if they’re about refusing to consider facts. Otherwise beliefs are just what the evidence seems to reveal.

And like. Someone with a high spinal cord injury cannot walk. It’s not ableist to say can’t there instead of it’s unlikely, even though both are technically true.

Another question which I hope people understand as the request for a reality check that’s meant (by which I mean if I’m in any part right please validate that first and put the stuff where I’m wrong or at the end! is projection a thing?

Part of me wants think it’s not, because when I try to look it up it’s said that it’s from Freud, and Freud very famously wild guessed at why people do a whole lot of things.

But I’m beginning to think maybe it IS a thing, because in the original post where I asked if my mom is kind of mean after the ikea trip, people brought up DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) and I do think I’ve seen THAT, and it’s a super short jump from that to doing this without intending to I guess?

If projection is a thing, it pretty neatly explains what’s happening, and why my reaction to her saying I never accommodate her is anger. Because if it is a thing, then she’s not reciprocating and that’s a razonable thing to lose patience with and even to eventually snap at.

But one thing tumblr is very big on and that I feel scared to do is assume someone else’s intent. The idea feels mean, like when radfems say that someone is shaving because the patriarchy said so, without talking in depth to the person to make sure of how they understand their own decisions and how they fit into their life as a whole.

But asking her wouldn’t work. My expectation would be that her answer to it as a question would be “I always consider you. I bend over backwards for you!” Which would degenerate quickly.

So it leaves me having to try to guess. So… is it possible that I could be correct here, that she’s accusing me of not trying to accommodate her because she’s not trying to accommodate me and feels too bad about it to admit it?

The reason I want to know this is that it’s clearly irrational if it’s true, which means that if it’s true there’s nothing I can do to fix it, because you can’t reason people out of things they didn’t reason themselves into.

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

🔥

You didn’t specify a topic so i’m actually gonna take HSMTMTS for this one.

I could not care less about Rina or Portwell. I like all three characters individually and I don’t care who they end up with. I feel like a large majority focuses all too much on these three when there’s so much else going on??

Maddox and Jet??! Hello??! The sibling drama they have here… also with Maddox and Madison? I wanna know more!

Kourtney is playing ELSA and she does not get that amount of screentime or talk from the fandom about it. She has also has some anxiety that I feel like not enough people are talking about (myself included, sadly - but I have thought about it)

And Ashlyn. My sweet Ashlyn. For the majority of the season this far, it seems like the fandom has called her annoying, out of character, ”not a help for the others”. And the girl is going through an identity crisis. Yes, at first it was handled a little so-so, but after ep6 I really feel like they’re going in a good direction with it. I am sorry, but I can’t believe people are focusing on Portwell and Rina and they’re NOT discussing the hug.

It’s not often Disney gives us WLW representation. And when they do it’s so much more vague than with their MLM representation. I mean just take Carlos and Seb, who both were obvious gays from the start. While Ashlyn, they had more of a vague approach.

To make other examples, I will take the D+ shows from LA. For example, Siempre Fui Yo (”It was always me” on D+) has two boys who eventually fall in love and gets to have a pretty passionate kiss scene. Another D+LA show called Tudo Igual SQN (”All the same… or not” on D+) has two girls who the first is an out lesbian and the other is (coincidentally) a red haired girl who thinks she has the perfect life and it all figured out, and then she meets this other girl and suddenly she starts to question a LOT about herself. These two girls don’t get a kiss scene (other than a brief one where one is gonna kiss the other on the cheek to say goodbye, and accidentally kissed her lips, they stare at each other for a moment before she walks away) - most of what they get is stares and a little discussion in the last ep about the red haired girl having to figure stuff out. I know it’s all setup for season 2, but it’s different to Siempre Fui Yo, where they let them have a full kiss scene already in S1. It just shows the difference of their approach of MLM characters and WLW characters.

Also, like… the treatment of WLW characters in general? People have talked about how they want Ricky to be confirmed bi and ship with with Jet - and that is very valid, of course! But then when it comes to Maddox and now Ashlyn, who now canonly are WLW, people often find them annoying and/or never ever mention them at all (it’s a little like how people treat Robin in stranger things). I’ve discussed Maddox before in a previous post and yes, she overstepped, but I really do understand why she acts like she does.

I’ve often been pretty tempted of asking Portwell/Rina shippers what they think of the other plots in the show, especially what they think of Ashlyn’s storyline. However, I never have, because I do feel like a hypocrite - I mean, sure, they never mention her or her storyline, but I never mention Portwell or Rina, so it’s like… yeah.

Anyway we’re getting some representation here (I personally can relate on a PERSONAL level getting hugged by a girl at a camp and my world turning upside down, I am serious) and I don’t know how they are going to handle it, maybe they’ll surprise me or they will disappoint me. But nonetheless, we are getting it and I personally find that more interesting than whoever Gina is gonna end up with.

[romanticerawitch4]

Connor doing the whole "stop killing dad" thing is so funny cos he genuinely has no clue! He has his own trauma of his mom and not seeing dad for three years, and Kendall at this point is still not talking about being Daddy's Number One Bitchboy, so Connor and the whole of season three people will just see him go on about "it's you now" and water and being cleansed, and think he's just a spoiled brat.

Connor is so interesting for his place in the Roy family. Like he doesn’t know about anything with Kendall but he also literally doesn’t get the golden trio and I feel like it is in part because he has had a separation both self induced and involuntarily from the family. Like the three years away, being neglected by his dad, living in the middle of the desert, while these all present different issues in him they also protect him from a lot of the abuse Logan inflicts on the others because of sheer proximity. And I don’t think Kendall, Shiv, or Roman have ever had the opportunity to really be away from Logan, even if they were physically separated, for an extended period of time (except for Kendall in season 3).

It also makes me wonder about Connor’s place in the fourth season. I read his response to Kendall after his attempt about how he has to stop trying to kill dad in two ways and I think it’s meant in two ways 1) Kendall would be happier if he wasn’t hellbent on destroying Logan and 2) Things would be better if everyone could just let Logan do what Logan wants to. It’s very just let the kid get the toy at Target so they don’t start screaming. Connor believes if they could all just stop fighting and give in to their father things would be fine. And I don’t think he means this maliciously or to not be on his siblings’ side, it’s just his defense mechanism so he’s not a target for Logan. And for season 4 I think it would be very difficult if not impossible for him to go against his father in a meaningful way even if it’s in defense of his siblings. It would be very don’t make me pick sides like he always is. It’s really interesting too that we’ve seen Connor embody the dad role to the three siblings in a variety of ways but never in a protective way except in moments like when Roman pushes Kendall. And that’s the position he’s taken in the trio’s life, he would visit and they maybe do fun things that are meaningful and then he would dump them back with Logan at the end of the day. And so I don’t think they see him as a formidable person to be on their side going against Logan. And they’re right because in season 3 even when we saw him challenge and threaten Logan it was never in a monumental way like the others kids’ challenges have been positioned, though I’m sure Connor has information that could really sour Logan’s reputation (what happened to Connors mom?!)

He’s just him, and he can’t really do more than that, he’s Connor out in the desert with a wife he paid to be with him and he’s content with that, he doesn’t need the same validation from Logan that the others do because he wasn’t raised with that as the only option, he was discounted from the role as CEO pretty much from the start so he’s found other things for himself, often delusional things, but things that make him happy nonetheless. And he’ll never fully understand his siblings because the purposes for which they were raised were so different, the trio were raised as tools for Logan with one goal in mind, whereas Connor seems to have had little oversight from Logan in who or what he should be, which might explain why he is always so lost and bouncing from one thing to another.

But I agree I think he does think of Kendall as spoiled and anyone would be right to view him that way based on his behavior and especially because almost everything the audience knows about Kendall and Logan’s relationship is hidden from the other characters. They can’t know the lengths of emotional torture Logan has put him through or any of the events he’s been through that are impacting his decisions. They can only see him throwing giant parties and firing his lawyers and spiraling without daddy. It also makes me sad because I feel like Kendall’s manic episodes have always been written off as he’s a spoiled rich boy/ he’s on drugs and so he’s never been offered the help he needs (not that the Roys would anyways). It’s sad and I hope that in the fourth season we do see more of the siblings being connected to Connor especially after that first born son rant, but I still can’t see Kendall opening up to him about the accident or any of the emotions that go along with it because of all those divisions in place between Connor and the trio.

[whats-wild-to-you]

Now Or Never

[Part 2]

“Guys, I’m in love!”

“What? How? When?” They all cried out in perfect harmony.

“The company Christmas party. In the past I always noticed when he entered the room, and sometimes our eyes would meet but I never thought we had anything in common. Then at the Christmas party yesterday we started talking and immediately clicked.”

“Yesterday? And you’re already talking about love? Slow down.” Gray objected looking around for support.

“He’s perfect!” I squealed.

Seo-jun was 5 years older than me. His parents were well-off, but he decided to go his own way nonetheless, studied overseas and stood on his own two feet.

“I’m thinking about throwing an early Christmas dinner at my place with all of you and him. That way you can get to know him.”

“Sounds good!” Loco exclaimed, blissfully.

“Can you spread the word? Tell everyone to text me if they plan on coming so I know how much food to make.”

“Sure. No problem.”

In the end, everyone wanted to come, and I doubted it was because of my culinary skills. I was a solid cook but not Michelin Star worthy.

Still, I put together a feast and decorated the table pompously. After getting dressed, Seo-jun arrived first. I had told him to come a little earlier to help me with the wine.

One by one the guests arrived, Jay appeared last and brought some wine as a gift.

“Can’t never have too much!”

Dinner went off uneventfully, everyone praised my food and cleared their plates. I decided to divide the rest in Tupperware and give it to the boys.

When I joined the rest, I had noticed that the mood had changed. Silence fell upon the table, and everyone was staring down.

“Who wants dessert?” I asked, trying to lift the mood.

What the hell happened while I was gone?

“Before dessert, could I talk to you for a moment?” Seo-jun said, lightly tucking at my arm.

We went to the bedroom and closed the door behind us. Seo-jun was paving the room, clearly trying to sort out his thoughts.

“I didn’t want to do this tonight but, honestly, there’s no good time to do this.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I think we should break up.” He sounded extremely calm and for some reason that put me at ease. I was sure he had a valid reason, but maybe I could talk him out of it.

“Why do you think that?”

He came up to me, grabbing me by the shoulders. “You remember telling me about the guys you dated in the past, how suddenly they all bolted. I thought, there’s no way you’re that awful, something else must’ve been the reason. Well, today, I met the reason!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Jay, I believe is his name. The guy who looks at me like I stole his pet!”

“That’s outrageous! Jay’s a friend!”

“He stares at me, looking all gloomy, and hasn’t said a word all evening!”

“He’s very busy these days. He’s probably just exhausted.”

“You’re defending him!”

“I’m- wait here!”

I found Kiseok in the kitchen, eating ice cream out the tub. “Come with me!”

I dragged him inside the storage room, making sure no one else saw us going in.

“You said something about your friend a while ago. You know, the one we went bowling with, the one that ghosted me that same night!”

“I don’t remember.”

“Yes, you do! Why did you ask? Talk. And talk fast! I don’t want the others to notice you’re missing.”

He gave in, sighing in frustration. “He said to me he really enjoyed your company and loved the fact you two shared common interests, but...”

“But what?”

“He felt that he wasn’t the perfect guy for you, because...”

“Because WHAT?”

“When he saw you and Jay interacting, he realized he didn’t stand a chance. There, I said it!”

Silence followed, and Kiseok looked at me beseechingly.

“Personally, I-”

“Save it!” I cut him off while storming out of the storage room, practically running back to the bedroom, hoping Seo-jun was still there.

“Jay is my friend! They’re all my friends. Nothing more.”

“You don’t find it at all weird that every guy you dated disappeared after meeting him?”

“Not all have met him!”

“I know, you told me! You said those who met Jay left sooner.”

“I don’t see your point!”

“My point is, whether you like it or not, Jay is the reason you’re single!”

“What? I’m supposed to be with him? That’s why I can’t make it work with anyone else?”

“Those are your words, not mine!”

“It’s crazy, okay? Impossible! Not happening. Please, let’s just go back and enjoy the rest of the evening!”

“Are you sure?”

“It’s as if I would be dating my brother! I’m absolutely sure!”

In the end I persuaded Seo-jun to come with me, only to find out that everyone had already left. Everyone, except Kiseok.

“Were we loud? Did anyone hear us?” I asked cautiously, but Kiseok just shook his head.

“They’re not stupid, you know!”

“Great! Awesome.”

“I guess I should head home.” Seo-jun announced, but I was too stunned to stop him. I didn’t know then that it would be the last I saw him.

“This isn’t fair!”

“I think you need to talk to Jay!”

“Me? Oh, no! He better be the one asking to talk to me and apologizing for scaring everyone off!”

[Part 3]

[roobylavender]

okay final thoughts having watched winx all of the way through

the strongest characters individually are imo stella, musa, and sky. (1) love how stella craves love and validation and collapses in on herself bc all she’s received all her life is anything but, yet the people who drive her to rise above it are the ones who recognize she has humanity underneath her exterior left to spare—sky constantly believing she’s capable of good no matter how far she falls, musa knowing from the first that stella harbors wells of guilt. her slowly and steadily rising to the challenge of looking her mother in the eye with no fear in her bones to shake her. GOOD (2) musa as a mind fairy constantly having to sift through and filter out the thoughts and emotions of everyone around her despite having the propensity to care deeply is a really refreshing twist on the character! her season two plot with willingly giving up her powers to feel some semblance of peace not just with respect to the overwhelming thoughts but also the guilt she has over influencing her boyfriend’s feelings bc she couldn’t take constantly sensing his anger. perfection. (3) sky and his DADDY ISSUES. honestly i’m so impressed with how they managed to add depth to someone who was originally so bland like the fact that they took his general goodness and evolved it into a constant need to take care of and worry about others so he doesn’t have to worry about himself is simple but it holds loads of potential (esp with respect to his relationship with bloom but more on that later), even moreso now that he’s wracked with guilt over killing the father who abandoned him as a child to raise someone else, all to save the foster father who raised him bc he killed his bio father in the first place. i love MESS

aisha and flora and terra hold a lot of potential but i’m not quite sure they’re as well developed yet in terms of personal journeys. aisha seems to constantly be playing a support role to everyone else even though in the cartoon she was important enough to warrant an entire season long arc (which i hope they will adapt in some capacity!), flora is only now getting started (though i love where it’s going given the end of season two like yes go proactive horror queen), and terra’s coming out plot was lovely but we still don’t really have a sense of what she wants to do with herself personally aside from being desperate to fit in. i am also really upset that the fatphobia she experienced in the first season was more or less grazed over and hardly apologized for properly by any of the involved parties. maybe they decided to ditch using that as a plot point and if they did i’m glad but i wish if they included it in the first place that it was properly concluded

speaking of the fatphobia. riven. riven to me is one of those characters whom the writers meant to write as your standard redeemable bully slash fuckboy type except as always they went for overkill at the outset and then had to massively backpedal thereafter to allow the character to fulfill their overarching story needs. season one riven and season two riven are two whole different animals. season two riven feels way more reminiscent of the original character with his standoffishness and snark but nonetheless underlying good intentions. it’s absolutely shitty that the thing between him and terra has yet to be given proper closure bc season two riven is definitely capable of owning up to his prior comments. if he can fix his attitude with musa he can fix it with terra

i realize i haven’t talked about bloom yet. bloom is frustrating to me in the sense that she’s more a conglomerate of actions than she is necessarily a character. she’s constantly defined by her reactions to events rather than any standard habits or behaviors of her own beyond constantly steaming with tension. and that’s understandable to an extent given a huge part of her character arc is about desperately searching for her origins but it also gets tiring when there’s nothing else to her beyond that. she’s a character far more sustained by her relationships than she is by herself and atp i’m desperate for them to get over her origins closure by end of next season so we can actually move on to her being a real character

as for the romances. i feel a little bad for samusa now having rewatched the full first season bc the idea of their dynamic was not actually a bad one although it was incredibly rushed and so i don’t think there was much of an opportunity to actually grow attached to it. which is why what they’re doing with rivusa is fabulous bc the original cartoon setup for their relationship was terrible.. literally no substance just throwing two people at each other until they liked each other and then throwing drama in every now and then for funsies lmao. i’m glad that building a friendship first is priority here and that there’s that connection the two of them have between them with not wanting to be where they are but nonetheless having to take the hand they’re dealt in some capacity. and then them subsequently finding an unusual solace in each other’s company despite the initial antagonism. it’s very refreshing! as for skloom. are they still the basic bad bitch and useless boyfriend. yes. but i think they’re afforded a little more depth here primarily bc of the way this version of sky factors into it. the way his constant tendency to take care of and fix other people is juxtaposed against bloom’s almost reckless tendency to dive into problems headfirst makes their relationship very sweet to watch unfold bc bloom can clearly take care of herself but sky still wants to help as much as he can. and that’s all standard fare but it’ll be esp interesting now that they’re separated by the portal and sky will have to deal with not being able to help her and instead needing to focus on helping himself

the lack of budget and screen time is a serious point against the show. there’s so much plot they have to try to cram into sex or seven episodes so things at times move very quickly and clumsily. sometimes several weeks pass in canon that feel like only the difference between one episode and the next. it’s a show way more suited to longer episodes per season than it’s being afforded

almost every main cast member can act decently except for skloom’s. which makes their relationship in the show that much funnier bc you can tell they’re clearly going off of how in love with each other they are irl and if they weren’t their attraction to each other and compelling nature as characters would be incredibly weak. i mean tbf in sky’s case it already is all that man does is make pathetic puppy eyes at the screen and make me coo like the proud mother of an ugly pup. he’s lucky his character has that much substance bc he’s not the one capable of serving it

the lore is actually very interesting if a bit amorphous and disjunct. i think it’ll get better with time as the context around aster dell expands and i look forward to it provided they get renewed. i wanna see the witches and how they justify their existence compared to the original cartoon

[pip-or-something]

last twilight in phuket analysis

on growing up

1. hokkian mee

teh making hokkian mee seems very symbolic of growth here.  throughout part 1 he’s always saying his mom will make it for them, but this time, his mom isn’t around, so he makes it himself

2. the loss of the private beach

@liyazaki​ pointed out that they have to make room for themselves in the public beach and that’s brilliant and i love that take and i think it’s important and correct!  carving out your spot in an unfamiliar place is definitely a part of the learning to be an adult vibes

my focus in this scene was a bit different initially but still in support of that same positive change.  i noticed that it is oh-aew who’s most bothered by their private beach being closed and not teh.  remember when teh couldn’t even admit to himself that he wanted to be close to oh-aew?  and now he’s holding his boyfriend’s hand in public!  now they’re hugging on a public beach, and he’s emotionally aware enough to comfort oh-aew!  *hugs teh*

3. the closing of funan tutorial school

funan tutorial school was this place kind of like their beach - the two of them knew it inside and out, so there were spaces that felt like just theirs. it’s a short scene, but that shot of them being locked out through the inside is really showing that they’re now on the outside of phuket - or at least they feel that way.  i also think that scene is one of the many hints that teh, even though he’s mostly comforting oh-aew in this, is also unsettled and upset by the upcoming change.  

the view zooms out after that, though, showing that they’re part of a much bigger word - rather than being locked out, it gives us the perspective of looking inside from a place of greater freedom

if we want to get really abstract, it could be symbolic of the kind of inward self reflection that occurs when we see that the world is much larger than we thought

parallels

1. this scene

has a backdrop with the same very distinctive teal color that we saw at oh-aew’s house in itsay

the scenes ultimately are like the same thing but they play out differently.  the same because it’s always been oh-aew making teh come to him but now they’re actually talking like teh’s asking why and oh-aew is telling him to come closer and when teh doesn't want to do something he just explains why instead of forcing himself and it ends up being cute instead of angsty i’m so proud of them!!!

on top of that in the itsay scene they were deliberately hidden behind that staircase and now here they are out in public and teh’s shy but it’s okay because they understand each other now!  and by this i mean teh understands himself enough to communicate that and not overstep his own boundaries and oh-aew understands because!  again!  talking!

2. the dancing around each other at the beach scene in part one

vs. the dancing to each other here

the connection here is pretty blatant in my opinion but the change is sort of subtle.  in itsay, they ended up falling on top of each other, but then oh-aew essentially said he was hoping to run into teh, and this happened:

here, we have a role reversal where oh-aew is chasing teh, and when he gets there, they stick together

i just can’t get enough of teh being open to vulnerability here!  and in public nonetheless!

i’m refusing to delve into too much color theory here but i mean-- in itsay we had the blue scene and the red scene and here there both blue and red scenes alksdjflaksjflkjaslkdjf

maybe the most important thing i have to say

at the beach, teh says “there may be lots of changes,” empathizing with and validating oh-aew’s sadness and fears, which is lovely because, wow!  teh experiencing and expressing emotion fully?  again, ✨ character growth ✨ 

and then there’s this thing: we know that teh is a problem solver.  i know that he is because my brain works that way, too, and sure enough, i think he found a solution

when he says “i love you” he doesn’t just leave it at that.  he says “i’ve never told you, not once” and he very effectively reminds oh-aew that not all change is bad 

ahhhhhhhh everything in this series is so deliberate 

barely coherent thoughts

i can’t believe how nostalgic this made me??? about a place i have never been???  the music and the locations and just!!!  it hasn’t even been a year since itsay and i’ve rewatched it too many times to count but it feels like ages and it feels like coming home

twilight literally means half-light so as usual the nadao team is super on point with their titles - i mean it’s the perfect middle between the sun and the moon, the perfect compromise

the shirts and their colors are so unsubtle i love it

lkalkjsdfalkjasdf the blanket in the first scene i’m Suffering - i caught myself looking for yongjian on the wall lmao

did they not show them playing in the water because pp is scared of it because if so: that’s really considerate and cute and appreciated

i looked it up and lavender roses symbolize enchantment and love at first sight which is very cute and also feels like it demands growth, which would be fitting in terms of everything else i said.  they also happen look very similar to genetically engineered blue roses which are actually super interesting to read about and symbolize the unattainable.  so that’s very much in line with our title :’) in this case, rather than the romance specifically, it would be more likely to symbolize the inability to truly revisit the past, if that’s even what they’re going for

teh said i love you while oh-aew was filming them helpppppp i bet did that on purpose so that oh-aew will have it with him at all times when they’re apart [queue intense sobbing]

i think teh also needed to hear oh-aew say “i love you” here too and i have a lot of thoughts on how teh was dealing with all of this but i can’t figure out how to put it into words???  i wanted to peg him as someone who doesn’t do well with change but i think it’s more like he dislikes being in control and i confused the two because there tends to be overlap and here i think there’s multiple things happening.  he’s mostly in control of the change, he’s always wanted to go to the city for university.  but i don’t think he expected the emotion that is coming with it (and i really fully believe he’s experiencing the emotions for himself, too, not just empathetically with oh-aew).  he seems to be handling the emotion pretty well?  he’s not telling oh-aew anything outright but i don’t think he needs to, he’s expressing himself a lot more here than he ever did in itsay and oh-aew still read him like a book then

anyway i feel like we’re going to get a focus on oh-aew in this second part (it’s what i’m hoping for!) but i want to remember to keep an eye on teh and his progress as well because it might be more subtle but i am sure it will still be there

[i-like-writing-stuff]

four months; part 2 [five hargreeves x reader]

a/n: thank you all so so much for your support and feedback! i literally could not believe that the first part has over 200 notes and yall want a continuation like omagash??? im soft, thank you guys <3

here is the long awaited part two, but before we dive into that, i felt the need to ask yall if you want five to be aged up?? in most x reader i’ve read on this site, five is aged up, but I felt like, in my case, i didn’t really needed to mention that because i am only like two months older than the actor, and its not like im gonna write smut with him- gross. point is, idk. should i age him up tho??? idk what to do, so here are both aidan and timothee to soothe ur heart for this second part!! <3

(the gifs do not belong to me, lemme know if u know who made them so i can give credits- they’re real cute mah gawsh!!!)

alsoo if you want more five imagines or literally any other hargreeves sibling or fictional character ousside tua, feel free to leave a request in my inbox! kisses <3

summary: after a long family meeting and more booze, you decide to make a bold move and profess your buried feelings.

part 1

“Men are stupid shitheads.” You concluded, setting your flask on the counter, looking at the new bangs Allison had just cut for you.

Even in her drunken state, they seemed to be very nicely done. You were quite surprised by the way they turned out, but pleased nonetheless. It was a spontaneous decision, getting bangs. You had been sitting in the hair salon she was working at with her, Klaus and Vanya after a not so great family meeting.

Hugs were shared, true, but then arguments started and before you even knew it, Luther stormed out, Diego followed him, Five went missing for whatever business he had, and Klaus claimed that Ben was not even there- apparently, ghosts can’t time travel.

So, it was just the four of you, drunk in a hair salon, with too much alcohol and way too many scissors around you, complaining about how shitty your love lives could be.

“Amen.” Klaus raised his drink in the air, “I’ll drink to that.”

“Right?” Allison nodded, combing her second client, Klaus, “The nerve of Ray! I mean, one thing goes wrong and he’s on a warpath!” She vented, holding the bottle of liquor in her free hand, “I mean, doesn’t know who I am?! No, no! No, Ray- you know exactly who I am, you just can’t handle it!”

You watched with a raised brow as Vanya was out of zone, pretending to be shooting the long line of empty bottles gathered in front of her, as Allison kept on continuing her rant. Her husband had just seen her use her powers on the night they started the protest, and was now having a real hard time comprehending what was going on. You didn’t see him at home either, so you figured he may have been upset with you as well for maybe hiding the secret. Or maybe he thought you were like her, who knows?

“Hey, wouldn’t it be weird if Five grew up all hot?” Klaus suddenly asked, taking a drag out of his cigarette, as he got up from his seat to walk around the hair salon, “Wouldn’t that be weird?”

“Why would you even think of your brother like that?” You asked riddled, narrowing your eyes at the man as his sisters almost gagged at the thought.

“Oh, please, you’ve been thinking that, haven’t you?” Klaus asked, pointing at you as you took another swig from your nearly empty flask.

“I... I mean- he’s... Five... uh... no comment!” You suddenly declared, at loss of words, as you got up from your seat, trying to maintain your balance as you made your way towards the bottle of liquor to fill your flask again.

“When are you two gonna confess your feelings?” Allison asked with a groan, letting her head fall backwards as she sat on the chair, “It’s getting really tiring!”

“We have an apocalypse going on!” You argued, “There’s no time for feelings!”

“This is the perfect time for feelings!” Klaus chimed in, taking another drag out of his cigarette, “These might be your last six days on Earth! Do you want to die regretting that you never told Five how you felt about him?”

“I’m not having this conversation anymore.” You declared, out of arguments, as you poured liquor in your flask, “Why don’t we talk about Allison’s crush on Luther instead?”

“We have never even kissed!” Allison defended herself, causing Vanya to spin on her chair confused, looking between the three of you.

“Yeah, but you guys were making little sick moon-dog eyes at each other all through puberty and breakfasts and... all that.” Klaus waved her off, sipping from his own flask.

“Aren’t we all brothers and sisters, or...?” Vanya wondered confused, as you and Klaus snorted amused at her innocence.

“Well... technically...” Allison tried to find an excuse or explanation, but she was having a hard time putting her thoughts in place.

“Technically?” Klaus raised a brow, “If you....” He stammered, trying to regain his train of thought, “If you have to use the word technically, you’re already in trouble.”

“Okay, can we go back to Five and Y/N?” Allison tried to change the subject, “Or maybe at least help me save my marriage?”

“That’s like...” Klaus stumbled on his own feet, filling his flask again, as you leaned against Vanya’s chair curiously, “That’s like asking a nun how to hump someone’s leg! I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one?” He asked, pointing at Vanya, “In secret love with some farm Frau!”

“Her name’s Sissy.” Vanya informed him.

“Which is an improvement on her previous love interest.” He said, looking at you and Allison, as you shook your heads to slightly tell him to shut up, “...the serial killer.”

“What?!” Vanya yelled, looking between you and Allison for an explanation, but you just softly waved her off, promising to remind her later.

“And look at this one!” Klaus ignored the three of you, pointing at... well, you, “A fifty year old assassin, who got the chance to be a teen again, but she is too afraid to admit her feelings for the... wait, is Five a boy or a man?”

“Both?” You raised a brow, unsure of the answer.

“Meanwhile, I’m carrying a torch for a soldier I haven’t technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.” Klaus waved you off, trying to keep his balance again on his feet.

“Okay, again- we are not biological!” Allison tried to defend herself once more, but Klaus simply ignored her.

“Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin.” He said, making all of you nod in agreement, as you couldn’t help but confess, taking another chug out of your flask;

“I can’t believe I got to the point where I was jealous of Dolores.”

Okay, maybe ‘banging’ and ‘jealous’ were strong words, but you had to admit you were not that pleased when one of the first things that Five did when he got back to 2019, was go to some store to get back his plastic girlfriend who kept him company in the four decades he spent all by himself in the apocalypse.

You understood his mind, though. You would have gone insane as well if you had to be all alone after the end of the world, without another soul on the planet. Nonetheless, you still were maybe a tad too happy when he decided to return her to the store.

Leaving you the only woman he had eyes for, unbeknownst to you.

“I’m gonna tell Sissy that I love her.” Vanya suddenly declared, straightening her position confidently.

“You go, girl!” You cheered, clapping for your friend.

“I don’t want any secrets.” She said, making you and the other two nod in agreement, contemplating about your own lives.

“Yeah!” Allison said, getting up with the bottle of alcohol tightly clutched in her hand, “Yeah, yeah- you’re right! Yes, ‘cause, you know- if this all goes tits-up, the least I can do is be honest with my husband!

“Oh, does that mean I have to face my cult?” Klaus sighed, “I just hate group break-ups, it’s why I stopped dating twins!”

You pondered about it for a moment, in your state that was definitely not the most sober. You had a lot of alcohol coursing through your veins, but you felt like maybe it was better. You could think with your heart more than you could think with your brain, and your heart was telling you that your friends were right.

They all are getting themselves ready to take big risks in their lives, why shouldn’t you? They had a valid point; the world was gonna end in six days if you guys couldn’t find a way to solve this. Last time you didn’t have the brightest plan, so why should this time be a success? Reality hit you; there was a real big chance that you might die.

So why not just be honest with Five? What was the worst that could happen? You manage to save the world and Five rejects you? Big deal!

Well, it actually was a big deal.

“What if he rejects me?” You asked all of a sudden, causing the three siblings to turn to you, “What if I tell Five how I feel about him and he rejects me? I know maybe at my age I shouldn’t be this anxious about a man, but... it’s not like I’m going anywhere, I’m glued to the Hargreeves clan.”

And it was true. After the events of the 2019 apocalypse, right before you and the others got separated, you shared an adorable moment in which you confessed to each other how happy you were to have met and be taken into their family as one of their own.

“Normally, I’d say to not ponder on that for too... long.” Klaus slurred, “But given that it’s Five, you don’t even have to worry about that.”

“He’s right.” Allison shrugged, “That won’t be a problem.

“I have no memory of any of you, but from the hug I’ve seen you two share earlier- you’re not just friends.” Vanya spoke up, making you stare into nothingness for a moment.

I mean, it’s Five we are talking about. If he were to have any feelings, it’s not like he’d be honest with them or act, right? It would be up to you to make the first move.

You let out a long sigh, rubbing your hands on your upper arms, reminding yourself of the hug. It may have been the first time you and Five actually hugged, in all the years you’ve known each other. The way he held you close and nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, taking in your scent, feeling you in his arms, even if for him it had been only four days. You had to live with the thought that he may be dead for months.

And you hated that, you knew you wanted him alongside you. You wanted that little rude, at times obnoxious dipshit, with a soft heart- as much as he hated to admit it. You loved how much he cared about his family, about saving the world. Five is a great person; he is caring and has a big heart, as much as he tried to hide it behind his trashmouth.

“Fine!” You groaned, letting your head fall backwards, “I’ll tell Five I fucking love him and his dipshit face!”

“Yes!” Klaus clapped, as Allison and Vanya cheered proudly, “Come here!”

You and Vanya walked towards him, as Allison wrapped an arm around his waist, waiting for the two of you to skip towards them, pulling you into a group hug, as “Twistin’ the night away” by Sam Cooke blasted on the radio, causing the four of you to start a small dance party, letting for the first time in a long while your problems just go away.

For the sake of the song.

After a couple more hours of drinking, gossiping and dancing, the four of you decided to finally part ways and attend your promised business. Klaus went to deal with his cult, as Allison decided to be completely honest with her husband at home and Vanya was going to confess to Sissy.

As for you?

You were going to tell Five Hargreeves you were in love with him.

“Hey, dipshit!” You confidently yelled, running up the stairs of the store, trying to find Five.

“Y/N?” Five frowned, walking out of the kitchen with a coffee mug in his hands and a confused look on his face, “Are you... even more drunk? And did you get bangs- what the...?”

“Shut up.” You waved him off, walking towards him to grab the mug out of his hand to sober yourself up, “Why in the hell are you even drinking coffee at this hour?”

“I’m... trying to calm myself...” He frowned, watching as you chugged his freshly poured coffee.

“Normally I’d ask.” You said, setting the mug on the counter, shaking your head, “But right now what I have to say is more important.”

“Is that so?” Five raised a brow curiously, as you slowly slapped your cheeks, trying to get the room to stop moving, “Why don’t you go to bed?” He asked, gently pushing you towards the couch, “And we talk in the morning? I don’t really have time for this.”

“No!” You yelled, stopping in your tracks to poke his chest, “We don’t have to talk! I talk and you- you listen!” You said, poking his chest again, “You never have time for anything, all you can think of is your stupid apocalypse!”

“Oh yes, isn’t that a trivial thing to be thinking of?” He asked with a sarcastic smile, crossing his arms.

“I don’t need your sarcasm!” You yelled, poking his chest a third time, feeling him get more tense.

“I swear to God, Y/N, if you do that one more time-...” Five took in a deep breath, as he could feel as he was slowly losing his patience.

“Shut up!” You groaned, watching as his brows knitted in confusion, “I’m trying to confess my feelings for you, you moron!”

“W...What?” He asked, as his face suddenly softened, unfolding his arms.

“I’m in love with you!” You sighed, rubbing your face, “Okay? I-I am in love with you and I am trying to sober myself up, but I think I may have had too much to drink.”

“You think?” Five scoffed, slowly leading you towards the couch, “Are you sure you’re not saying this just because you have a ton of alcohol coursing through you?”

“Well... kinda, ‘cause if I were sober there was no way in hell I would have confessed.” You puffed, complying, as you let yourself guided by him, “Allison, Klaus and Vanya all convinced me that I should tell you, that we only have six days left on Earth and in case we don’t save it... I shouldn’t be going down with regrets.”

Five listened to your every word carefully, as you continuing venting about how his siblings spent the whole day trying to convince you to tell him about your feelings, as he slowly held your hands, as you took a seat on the couch. He nodded at your words to let you know that he was listening, as he took two pillows off the armchairs beside, placing them at one end, softly pushing you down.

“...and then Klaus said that he hates group breakups.” You said, not even noticing what was going on, feeling your lids get heavier once your head met the pillow.

“Not a surprise there...” Five muttered, grabbing the blanket that was rested on top of the couch, placing it over you.

“Are you trying to dismiss me?” You wondered, but still making yourself more comfortable, as you sat on your side, with your head facing Five, who knelt in front of you tired.

He bit back a smile, watching as you slowly closed your eyes. He knew you were extremely drunk, he could see that in the way exhaust took over you. Not only you had a lot of alcohol in your system, but you’ve also had some long couple of days, and some longer ones were ahead of you until you knew for a fact the world was safe once more.

“I don’t know how it is, that you’re the one person who actually makes me feel... soft.” He confessed, watching your lips curve into a smile at his words, “You... drunken idiot.”

“I regret nothing.” You said proudly, as Five couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, softly stroking your hair to help you fall asleep sooner.

“We’ll see about that in the morning.” He smirked amused, watching as you pouted.

“You never gave me an answer, you know.” You pointed out, letting his soft touch calm you down, as you felt sleep slowly take over you.

“You never gave me a question.” He retorted, knowing for sure that if your eyes were opened, you would roll them at him.

“I think you like to hear me say that I am in love with you, it’s the third time I have to say it.” You said, slowly placing your hands under your pillow, making yourself more comfortable.

“I am happy to see that you still know how to count.” Five said, placing some wild strands of hair behind your ear.

“Screw you.” You said, making him grin, as he went back to stroking your hair.

“In this whole... shitty situation I managed to get myself into, you, Y/N, might as well be the only thing keeping me sane... surprisingly.” Five frowned at the last bit, watching as you opened your eyes, shifting your head to watch him, “I love you too, moron.”

“I never said I love you.” You smirked, teasing him as he rolled his eyes.

“You little chipmunk...” Five sighed, shaking his head in disbelief amused, as you leaned into his touch more, closing your eyes, pleased with yourself.

“Yeah, but you still love me.” You said, not once dropping that smirk on your lips.

“You’re impossible, did you know that?” He wondered, resting his forearm on the couch beside you, as he knelt on the floor, trying to make himself more comfortable, noticing the way you were enjoying the scalp massage... for free.

“A little bit.” You slowly shrugged, wrapping your arms around his, once you felt it beside you.

Five watched with a soft smile as you pulled his arms closer to your face, nuzzling into it with a satisfied smile, happy that you listened to your friends.

And deep down, so was Five thanking his siblings.

[queerspacepunk]

For DADWC: “I wish we’d never met. I only bring you pain" for Anders/Fenris?

sorry this has taken forever, my weekends have been chaos and now i'm sick and i think i forgot to respond to the @dadrunkwriting headcount for this week but OH WELL. I think i slightly tweaked the wording but i'm sure we'll cope.

Hawke had prepared him for this. Anders had too, in a way. Far more self-critical, admission lined in deflections, but it’s Hawke’s words Fenris turns to, nights like these, where Anders is in pieces and not all the way in the present.

“I wish we’d never met!” Anders snaps, pushing Fenris away as he scrambles across the bed, putting the furniture between them, foot catching in the duvet as he goes, tripping him. “All I ever do is hurt you!” His voice cracks at the end of it, and his eyes are wild.

Hawke had warned Fenris about this, back in the stilted month between the last time Fenris had tumbled Anders into bed drunk and the first time he’d done it sober. Well, not warned perhaps. To warn would imply Hawke was advising him away. No, Hawke had prepared him for this.

Anders had too, in a way. Far more self-critical, admission lined in deflections, but it’s Hawke’s words Fenris turns to, nights like these, where Anders is in pieces and not all the way in the present.

He’s not reacting to you, not really. He’s like an injured kitten.

“You feel dangerous,” Fenris says carefully. Acknowledgement, not validation.

“I am dangerous,” Anders spits, “I hurt you, it’s all I ever do. Out of control, out of-”

Blue begins to break through his skin, as if to prove a point. Fenris wonders if Anders knows that the pattern of light is different depending on whether his protector is being summoned or coming through of his own accord.

If he’s out of line, tell him.

Fenris breathes out instead of lighting up himself, much as he wants to.

“No Justice in our room without asking,” Fenris says, by rote, without anger. “You’re overwhelmed, do you need a moment?”

“I need you to listen to me!” Anders says, howls, “to get away before I hurt you more. Before I can’t stop myself.”

He’s gets memory mixed up with prophecy. He’s scared of what he thinks he’ll do, of how he thinks you’ll react.

“I’m grateful that hurting me is not something you want to do,” Fenris says, “even if you fear you will.”

Fenris moves around the bed, noting the way that Anders has, even in this state, has left him with an open line to the door, even as he’s had to back himself into a corner to do it.

“I am stepping out for a moment,” he says, “not out of the house, just out of the room. I will be back soon.”

For all Fenris’ skill in running, he hates this part. Hates the brief hint of grief and resignation that Anders never quite manages to hide as he steps away, but he knows it needs to be done.

He’s irrational like this. You could talk at him till you’re both blue in the face and he wouldn’t believe it. You have to play it out, give yourself a chance to prove him wrong.

Fenris doesn’t speak as he walks to the kitchen, but he lets his feet fall heavier than he usually does, slams the freezer door a little harder than he needs to as he pulls the icepack out.

He’s out of the room a minute, maybe two, but Anders has sunk to the ground in the time he was gone. The glow of Justice all but gone, gaze unfocused and distant. He looks up in something like surprise when Fenris enters, brow creasing in a frown when Fenris sits down beside him, lays the ice pack over the back of his neck.

Anders sits with his knees tucked up, wrists resting on them, head hanging between, for a long while before he can speak. The slightest tremor running through his frame the only real indication that he’s still there.

“I- fuck, I’m sorry,” Anders croaks, not raising his head.

Fenris presses his side slightly closer. A reminder of presence, a continuity error for the tale Anders’ mind is trying to spin.

Time travel’s exhausting. Fenris had always wondered how Hawke had known that. Guide him home, ease him in.

A broken, painful sort of laugh shakes out of Anders, and when he sits up, icepack slipping off his shoulders, the tears he’s shedding are frustrated.

“In the morning?” Fenris asks, because he knows as well as Anders does that they will have to deal with this, eventually, but not tonight.

“Yeah,” Anders agrees, “in the morning.”

This seems like an easy one, considering. They’re getting practiced, but Fenris can tell how heavy it is sitting in Anders’ chest.

Be ready for the second wave, go with him through it.

Fenris stands, a little sooner than Anders wants, perhaps, but he’s pliant now, apologetic and emptied out and as much as Fenris doesn’t want to take advantage of that, he needs to get Anders off the floor and to the bed before the next part.

They make it most of the way. Shoes already discarded when they came home, all Fenris really has to do is help Anders out of his jeans, his own long fingers too clumsy, like they’d been under the ice too.

Anders is leaning against him, hands balanced on Fenris’ shoulders as he helps kick away the jeans now pooled on the ground when the second wave does hit. His gaze going from distant to painfully focused on Fenris’ shoulder, where his own hand is resting.

“I hit you,” Anders says, chokes out. Fenris has often wondered if Justice allows Anders to see things that others can’t, or if it’s just the way memories seem to sear themselves into Anders’ vision.

They interact with the past so differently, the two of them.

“No,” Fenris says, for once having to drag himself back into the present as much as he’s dragging Anders, “you shoved me. And only because you were concerned you might hurt me.”

Anders glances up. Not to Fenris’ eyes, not quite, too soon for that, but close, “shoving you isn’t better.”

“When was the last time you were able to push me somewhere I didn’t want to go?” Fenris asks, and takes advantage of Anders’ state once again to push him back toward the bed, angling it so the soft edge of the mattress is what catches him behind the knees and sends him toppling gently onto it.

He’s scared because he loves you. Wants you to be safe. Let him know that you are.

The look on Anders’ face when Fenris does this is so close to the way he looks when they’re playing at things in bed that the first time he’d tried this, Fenris had had to run to the bathroom to retch up his lunch. He’d called Hawke earlier than usual that night.

It still isn’t easy, but he’s learnt since that submission given willingly is less about resignation and more about relief, and he knows now that that is what he’s seeing in Anders’ face. That what Anders’ is responding to isn’t force, but the knowledge that he isn’t a threat to Fenris. Not now.

Change the scene, change the tune. Leave the past in the past, however recent.

Fenris reaches down and helps Anders pull his shirt off, the collar damp from the icepack, the rest of it warmed from his panicked sweat. Fenris tosses it away, pulls another out from under the pillow, helps Anders pull it over his head before stripping his own clothes off in favour of sleep clothes.

Loose pants and no shirt. Anders is rarely ready to be bared to the world so soon after a night like this, but Fenris knows his skin is a warm comfort, knows that even when he sleeps the slight glow of his tattoos will chase away the total darkness.

“I will fetch us tea,” he says, after pulling the blankets over Anders, and Anders nods in response, pulling the duvet up so only his red-rimmed eyes and tousled hair are visible.

Fenris can’t help but push the hair back gently before he leaves. He keeps his footfalls heavy, shuts the cupboards loud enough to be heard but not so loud as to sound angry, fills two cups that he knows probably won’t be finished, but will root them to the present nonetheless.

The cats have materialised in the time it took Fenris to make two cups of tea. Slunk into the room and positioned themselves so as to almost immobilise Anders. One behind his knees, another at his back, a third at his waist.

There is a brief glaring contest between Fenris and The Viscat before the tabby sighs far too heavily for a cat of even his vast size and vacates the spot in front of Anders’ chest where he had been pinning the blankets down, allowing Fenris to lift them up and slip into the bed. To let Anders curl close around him. Clinging with a sort of desperation that Fenris can never quite figure out what to do with.

They sip at their tea and watch cat videos on Fenris’ phone (his recommendations will be a mess after this) until Anders is dozing, halfway to sleep. Fenris lets the video run itself out, and then presses Hawke’s number.

Call me, after, to check in.

“Hey, how’s he doing?” Hawke never seems to need to guess what he’s calling about, not at this hour.

“To debrief with you about your ex-lovers... episode?”

“Nearly asleep,” Fenris says, brushing the hair back from Anders’ forehead again. Anders nuzzles further into his side and mumbles something, “he says ‘hello’,” Fenris relays, “I think.”

Just because we didn’t work together like that doesn’t mean I don’t still care about him, that he’s not my friend, you both are.

“How are you doing?” Hawke asks next, equally gentle.

“You think I’m not capable of handling this on my own.”

“We’ve had worse nights,” Fenris admits, “better ones, also.”

I think you’re more capable than I am.

“You did well,” Hawke says, “you always do. Do you need anything?”

“We... will talk about this in the morning,” Fenris says, “the two of us. After that, perhaps?”

“I’ll bring lunch,” Hawke says, “but call, if you need me before then.”

I think that a person can hurt someone all on their own, but healing is a team effort.

“I will,” Fenris says, surprised to realise his eyelids are heavy, “goodnight Hawke, thank you.”

“Nah,” Hawke says, “thank you.”

[whitehotharlots]

The point is control

Whenever we think or talk about censorship, we usually conceptualize it as certain types of speech being somehow disallowed: maybe (rarely) it's made formally illegal by the government, maybe it's banned in certain venues, maybe the FCC will fine you if you broadcast it, maybe your boss will fire you if she learns of it, maybe your friends will stop talking to you if they see what you've written, etc. etc. 

This understanding engenders a lot of mostly worthless discussion precisely because it's so broad. Pedants--usually arguing in favor of banning a certain work or idea--will often argue that speech protections only apply to direct, government bans. These bans, when they exist, are fairly narrow and apply only to those rare speech acts in which other people are put in danger by speech (yelling the N-word in a crowded theater, for example). This pedantry isn't correct even within its own terms, however, because plenty of people get in trouble for making threats. The FBI has an entire entrapment program dedicated to getting mentally ill muslims and rednecks to post stuff like "Death 2 the Super bowl!!" on twitter, arresting them, and the doing a press conference about how they heroically saved the world from terrorism. 

Another, more recent pedant's trend is claiming that, actually, you do have freedom of speech; you just don't have freedom from the consequences of speech. This logic is eerily dictatorial and ignores the entire purpose of speech protections. Like, even in the history's most repressive regimes, people still technically had freedom of speech but not from consequences. Those leftist kids who the nazis beheaded for speaking out against the war were, by this logic, merely being held accountable. 

The two conceptualizations of censorship I described above are, 99% of the time, deployed by people who are arguing in favor of a certain act of censorship but trying to exempt themselves from the moral implications of doing so. Censorship is rad when they get to do it, but they realize such a solipsism seems kinda icky so they need to explain how, actually, they're not censoring anybody, what they're doing is an act of righteous silencing that's a totally different matter. Maybe they associate censorship with groups they don't like, such as nazis or religious zealots. Maybe they have a vague dedication toward Enlightenment principles and don't want to be regarded as incurious dullards. Most typically, they're just afraid of the axe slicing both ways, and they want to make sure that the precedent they're establishing for others will not be applied to themselves.

Anyone who engages with this honestly for more than a few minutes will realize that censorship is much more complicated, especially in regards to its informal and social dimensions. We can all agree that society simply would not function if everyone said whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. You might think your boss is a moron or your wife's dress doesn't look flattering, but you realize that such tidbits are probably best kept to yourself. 

Again, this is a two-way proposition that everyone is seeking to balance. Do you really want people to verbalize every time they dislike or disagree with you? I sure as hell don't. And so, as part of a social compact, we learn to self-censor. Sometimes this is to the detriment of ourselves and our communities. Most often, however, it's just a price we have to pay in order to keep things from collapsing. 

But as systems, large and small, grow increasingly more insane and untenable, so do the comportment standards of speech. The disconnect between America's reality and the image Americans have of themselves has never been more plainly obvious, and so striving for situational equanimity is no longer good enough. We can't just pretend cops aren't racist and the economy isn't run by venal retards or that the government places any value on the life of its citizens. There's too much evidence that contradicts all that, and the evidence is too omnipresent. There's too many damn internet videos, and only so many of them can be cast as Russian disinformation. So, sadly, we must abandon our old ways of communicating and embrace instead systems that are even more unstable, repressive, and insane than the ones that were previously in place.

Until very, very recently, nuance and big-picture, balanced thinking were considered signs of seriousness, if not intelligence. Such considerations were always exploited by shitheads to obfuscate things that otherwise would have seemed much less ambiguous, yes, but this fact alone does not mitigate the potential value of such an approach to understanding the world--especially since the stuff that's been offered up to replace it is, by every worthwhile metric, even worse.

So let's not pretend I'm Malcolm Gladwell or some similarly slimy asshole seeking to "both sides" a clearcut moral issue. Let's pretend I am me. Flash back to about a year ago, when there was real, widespread, and sustained support for police reform. Remember that? Seems like forever ago, man, but it was just last year... anyhow, now, remember what happened? Direct, issues-focused attempts to reform policing were knocked down. Blotted out. Instead, we were told two things: 1) we had to repeat the slogan ABOLISH THE POLICE, and 2) we had to say it was actually very good and beautiful and nonviolent and valid when rioters burned down poor neighborhoods.

Now, in a relatively healthy discourse, it might have been possible for someone to say something like "while I agree that American policing is heavily violent and racist and requires substantial reforms, I worry that taking such an absolutist point of demanding abolition and cheering on the destruction of city blocks will be a political non-starter." This statement would have been, in retrospect, 100000000% correct. But could you have said it, in any worthwhile manner? If you had said something along those lines, what would the fallout had been? Would you have lost friends? Your job? Would you have suffered something more minor, like getting yelled at, told your opinion did not matter? Would your acquaintances still now--a year later, after their political project has failed beyond all dispute--would they still defame you in "whisper networks," never quite articulating your verbal sins but nonetheless informing others that you are a dangerous and bad person because one time you tried to tell them how utterly fucking self-destructive they were being? It is undeniably clear that last year's most-elevated voices were demanding not reform but catharsis. I hope they really had fun watching those immigrant-owned bodegas burn down, because that’s it, that will forever be remembered as the most palpable and consequential aspect of their shitty, selfish movement. We ain't reforming shit. Instead, we gave everyone who's already in power a blank check to fortify that power to a degree you and I cannot fully fathom.

But, oh, these people knew what they were doing. They were good little boys and girls. They have been rewarded with near-total control of the national discourse, and they are all either too guilt-ridden or too stupid to realize how badly they played into the hands of the structures they were supposedly trying to upend.

And so left-liberalism is now controlled by people whose worldview is equal parts superficial and incoherent. This was the only possible outcome that would have let the system continue to sustain itself in light of such immense evidence of its unsustainability without resulting in reform, so that's what has happened.

But... okay, let's take a step back. Let's focus on what I wanted to talk about when I started this.

I came across a post today from a young man who claimed that his high school English department head had been removed from his position and had his tenure revoked for refusing to remove three books from classrooms. This was, of course, fallout from the ongoing debate about Critical Race Theory. Two of those books were Marjane Satropi's Persepolis and, oh boy, The Diary of Anne Frank. Fuck. Jesus christ, fuck.

Now, here's the thing... When Persepolis was named, I assumed the bannors were anti-CRT. The graphic novel does not deal with racism all that much, at least not as its discussed contemporarily, but it centers an Iranian girl protagonist and maybe that upset Republican types. But Anne Frank? I'm sorry, but the most likely censors there are liberal identiarians who believe that teaching her diary amounts to centering the suffering of a white woman instead of talking about the One Real Racism, which must always be understood in an American context. The super woke cult group Black Hammer made waves recently with their #FuckAnneFrank campaign... you'd be hard pressed to find anyone associated with the GOP taking a firm stance against the diary since, oh, about 1975 or so.

So which side was it? That doesn't matter. What matters is, I cannot find out.

Now, pro-CRT people always accuse anti-CRT people of not knowing what CRT is, and then after making such accusations they always define CRT in a way that absolutely is not what CRT is. Pro-CRTers default to "they don't want  students to read about slavery or racism." This is absolutely not true, and absolutely not what actual CRT concerns itself with. Slavery and racism have been mainstays of American history curriucla since before I was born. Even people who barely paid attention in school would admit this, if there were any more desire for honesty in our discourse. 

My high school history teacher was a southern "lost causer" who took the south's side in the Civil War but nonetheless provided us with the most descriptive and unapologetic understandings of slavery's brutalities I had heard up until that point. He also unambiguously referred to the nuclear attacks on Hiroshmia and Nagasaki as "genocidal." Why? Because most people's politics are idiosyncratic, and because you cannot genuinely infer a person to believe one thing based on their opinion of another, tangentially related thing. The totality of human understanding used to be something open-minded people prided themselves on being aware of, believe it or not...

This is the problem with CRT. This is is the motivation behind the majority of people who wish to ban it. It’s not because they are necessarily racist themselves. It’s because they recognize, correctly, that the now-ascendant frames for understanding social issues boils everything down to a superficial patina that denies not only the realities of the systems they seek to upend but the very humanity of the people who exist within them. There is no humanity without depth and nuance and complexities and contradictions. When you argue otherwise, people will get mad and fight back. 

And this is the most bitter irony of this idiotic debate: it was never about not wanting to teach the sinful or embarrassing parts of our history. That was a different debate, one that was settled and won long ago. It is instead an immense, embarrassing overreach on behalf of people who have bullied their way to complete dominance of their spheres of influence within media and academe assuming they could do the same to everyone else. Some of its purveyors may have convinced themselves that getting students to admit complicity in privilege will prevent police shootings, sure. But I know these people. I’ve spoken to them at length. I’ve read their work. The vast, vast majority of them aren’t that stupid. The point is to exert control. The point is to make sure they stay in charge and that nothing changes. The point is failure.