#maybe these statistics will help you
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If you're having a hard time acknowledging the destruction and the severity of the genocide.
#before somebody starts assuming I'm not comparing between tragedies#it's just that people still think it's a war between two sides when it's very clearly not#maybe these statistics will help you#and now a minister in Israel asks for the possibility to throw a nuclear bomb at gaza#do you realize how tiny gaza is???#palestine#gaza#israel#important#current events#free palestine#ethnic cleansing#free gaza#gaza strip#gaza under attack#gaza under genocide#israel apartheid#israel is a terrorist state#israel is an apartheid state#we are not numbers#free palestine 🇵🇸#usa#joe biden#america#biden#hiroshima#japan
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fking sucks as a female engineer i have to literally go through all the documentation for a subject just to be like i read the docs here’s where ur wrong bc me going ‘my understanding is-‘ by itself has historically not been enough to persuade Anyone.
#and by anyone im also talking about other fem engineers#hi statistically these docs were probably written by a man#and if they were not we can just pretend they are bc if you wont listen to me maybe the image of listening to a man will help u understand#its theres one thing all engineers abide by its the fking documentation#use that as leverage in any argument and its the easiest win#docs dont say that docs say this#well ig if the documentation is good this works#but for widely used tools and languages they are#my favorite docs in the entire world are the c++ ones bc they just know what u want and thats an example#mozillas mdn or whatever is also good#i talk about something non gojo related-#my documentation tier list:
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how to live a happy and fulfilling life when everyone around you is obsessed with shame and guilt and suffering
#i DO already know how - i’m just complaining#if one more person apologizes to me unnecessarily i think i will explode in a mass of blood and viscera#like. i’m legit gonna have trauma about this it makes me so mad lmaoooo#ALSO i’m FINALLY getting the ball rolling for my mom and mom-mom re: getting a home care person to help out#and she’s like ‘whoa… maybe i could go back to work…’#and it’s like. dude. HOW did you not seriously consider this until now????#you haven’t taken a vacation in three years because you think that to love is to suffer dude!!!!!!!#get help!!!!!!!!#or a home care aide at the very least…#never thought that applied statistics would be my escapism activity but here we are…#despite how shitty my high school years were i think 2024 is probably objectively gonna go down as the worst year of my life so far#but a lot of good has happened and is happening also#and i’m much stronger now than i was then#so you know…#we move forward
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All my life I've been told by all kinds of people that they can never really tell what I'm feeling or what's going through my mind because apparently I'm always just hiding everything behind a smile so that I've become rather unreadable. And then he just. Takes one look at me and goes 'Yeah. I know that face, oh here we go again, she's about to unleash her thoughts. She's gonna bash that theory I just showed her so hard. Where's my popcorn?' I hadn't even said anything yet and he was already laughing.
And to be honest. It's quite nice to be known, actually.
#i only went to his office to ask if he wants to join me for lunch he didn't have time and yet i still somehow ended up staying for 1.5 hours#'thanks for the conversation' he said when i left. 'and thanks for keeping me from my work'#as if HE hadn't kept me from lunch when he kept our conversation going on and on with his 'wait i still wanted to show you this'#talking to him always feels like wellness for my brain somehow. like. we're different people but we think the same way.#i don't have to translate my thoughts to be understood he already gets my point before i've even finished my train of thought#every time work tires me out so much that it feels like i can't think straight anymore then i talk to him and suddenly my brain works again#and i like how he calls me out on my nonsense when i lose myself in a contradiction or don't say what i want to say or say what i don't mea#and he lets me go on extensive rants about statistics despite not knowing anything about it and doesn't even complain#he just always says 'i'll pretend i know what that means' and says i should learn it well so he can ask me for my help with it later#recently he came to me right after teaching saying 'you won't believe how much i just messed up. let me show you how i failed'#and then proceeded to recreate the entire situation and his thought process at that moment and i just#there is a very big word running around in my mind that i dare not speak of but maybe one day#i don't even know if he even sees me as much as a friend maybe i'm just some co-worker he likes talking to occasionally you know#what does it mean what does it all mean#ramblings
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#strangers poking their nose in your business because they don't understand#or maybe they are trying to cheer you up?#maybe trying to be helpful?#even though it's annoying that everyone keeps doubting you#queer?#non-neurotypical?#applies to several things in my own life#no I don't care if there is a statistical possibility that I'm gonna change my mind.
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man, posts like this make me feel so fucking weird. like, thanks for the shoutout, I guess, but people just Have Tastes, and no amount of moralizing fingerwagging is going to change the fact that much fewer people's tastes will be inclined toward bodies that look like mine. Beauty and appeal are subjective but it's fucking weird to pretend they don't exist. Like, I dunno man, it sucks that I'm not as pretty as other people! It does! But it's still just a thing that is true and that's fine! I want people who give me attention to do so because they actually fucking mean it, not because someone scolded them for not having morally correct enough tastes in women on tumblr dot com
#'it SUCKS to see women whose features are statistically more likely to appeal to others getting the most attention' yep sure does!!!#but like!!! of course they are!!! I don't know what to fucking tell you!!!#I don't actually want anyone's obligatory pity thirst but maybe that's just me lmao!!!!!#like I dunno man it's a complicated thing because broad cultural ideals about beauty are shaped by a lot of different influences#and it's not fair and it's not right and I'm sure it's at least some part of why people who look like me generally aren't seen as beautiful#but man I dunno I don't see how getting mad at the people who have been effected by those overehelming cultural forces helps anything#people are gonna like what they like and mostly it's probably not gonna be a tall fat woman with a flat chest#do you run YOUR libido through a diversity checklist or is it just something you feel instrinsically?#anyway. actually been having a lot of feelings about not being beautiful lately lmao#and 'it's wrong for people who don't think you are to not at least pretend otherwise 😤' isn't like. making me feel better.#no one's looking at your pics rubbing their hands together going 'I think I'm gonna withhold attention to make this fat girl suffer >:)'#SORRY!!! I DON'T WANNA GUILT PEOPLE INTO LOVING ME SORRY!!!!#about me
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lush is one of my very favorite albums of all time
#hehe shares my wrapped with you<3#i looooove to view silly statistics about myself so much it makes me sooo happy#twenty four mitski hours 👍#Kabaret Sybarit please god make more music please please please please please please please#its kinda funny orion sybarit rina are all on there for their whole catalogues#but mitski and poppy overtook them just thru Lush and Am I A Girl? alone#maybe it helps to just be obsessed w one album tho like focused or smth??#i guess ill see if it tracks next year :3 this is my first yearrrr :D#hmm i wanna be able to find this next year so#personal#oh right yes in the end it was all very scattered-- my top song was only 38 plays total#i mostly use spotify to find new things and go down rabbit holes#thus the 959 artists#lol
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For young people who have never Done TaxesTM and are nervous because it sounds intimidating and complex and you don’t know what to expect: if you are like many young Americans and don’t own any stocks or property, and you don’t have like Dependents and such, your taxes will probably be dead simple.
Assuming you have a job where you’re just an employee (as opposed to freelance/contract work which is considered self-employed) your job will send you a form called a W2 that says “this is how much money we payed you this year” and “this is how much you asked us to withhold from your paycheck for taxes” (you told your employer how much to hold back when you signed the paperwork to Get Employed).
You go to the IRS websites free file page and pick out a website from their official list that will help you file your taxes for free. You put in a bunch of personal info on that site, plus the numbers from the W2 form. (OPTIONAL: if you’re paying back student loans, your loan servicer might send you a tax form saying how much you paid. If you upload this info to the tax site, the government will tax slightly less of your income.) Tell the site to send all that to the government. Done. Taxes = filed.
If you had your employer hold back too much from your paycheck this year, the government will owe you money, and will pay it a little while after they get your taxes. If you had them hold back too little, you will owe the government some money. Usually if you got the withholding options right, the numbers owed will be relatively small, but if you end up owing quite a lot then maybe consider telling your employer to hold back more.
That’s it. You get a form or two with the info about your earnings, you type that info into another form, you send it in and sometimes money changes hands at the end.
And as mentioned above, if you fill things in wrong, they just send you something about “hey can we get this fixed plz”.
For people with anxiety about filing taxes, here’s what things that happen when you make a mistake on your tax return:
- it gets corrected
- you get a letter in the mail either asking for some additional information or a letter showing the adjustment
- you pay the amount (there’s options for payment plans too!) or get a refund
Things that do not happen
- you’re “in trouble”
- you are charged with fraud
- you go to jail
I know that most people are probably just joking/exaggerating when they say a mistake on their return means they get thrown in jail but when I worked with the public I always would encounter people who believed that would happen and they would be panicking about it. So I like to put this out there every year because if I can even prevent one person from feeling that way, it’s worth it
#statistically people doing taxes for the first time have very simple taxes to file#as life goes on it may get more complicated#maybe you buy stocks or something eventually#(the stocks places send you a tax form and you fill it in on the website)#maybe you win a prize (you fill it in on the website)#self employment is more manual - no employer sending you a W2 bc you are the boss#and idk about property value stuff bc I don’t own a house or w/e#but like as life gets more complicated every year#you just Google a few things in February when you’re gathering your various forms#and most of the time the answer is ‘someone may send you a form’ and then always ‘type it in the website’ (Google helps with the specifics#of where to type it into the website for each kind of money thing that is relevant to taxes)
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Learning new skills related to my job (coding, statistics visualization tools, and excel spreadsheets) through fandom (mha characters)
#my hyperfixations collision is brought to you by the upcoming global popularity poll.#maths (statistics) and shonen manga have done irreparable damage to my psychic ill tell you!!#Now I get why there's so many tournament polls lol#i have to get weirder with network graphs#like. maybe one day I'll post the results of the little exercises I've done. but not now. I'm still in the early planning/reaseach stage so#💌.txt#if anyone can help me with this please dm me I'm tired of consulting to reddit i crave human connection!!!
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Warning: Long Post No one reads long texts anymore, but despite everything I've been through with my country, my family, and recently my son, I need to get this off my chest. It's completely unbelievable to me that so many people still don't understand the background of the genocide in Palestine. What kind of journalists or influencers do we have today? Are they too afraid to report and remind their audiences about the real story behind what's happening now? No, it's not just one year of suffering! It's outrageous how the media consistently ignores what Palestinians have been enduring for decades. Have they, or you, even bothered to look at the statistics of how many Palestinians have been killed by Israel since 1948? How many children have been killed? Who holds the responsibility for what's happening now? I often wonder: what if the situation Palestinians face was applied somewhere else? For example, what if, after World War II, the West had decided that all Jews should have a state in the USA—let’s say Chicago—how would the people of Chicago have reacted? Imagine the people there being driven off the land their families had worked for generations, stripped of their rights, and harassed or persecuted if they resisted. Do international laws simply not apply when ### is involved? Do you know that people in Gaza are killed simply for fun? Yes, for fun! Israeli soldiers have been known to shoot women, children, and even animals on the spot, then walk away. Did you feel the wind when those shots were fired? Or was it too far away for you? Do you understand what death means? Good. Do you know why there are so many Palestinians living in different countries, or maybe even right next door to you, even though they smell like hummus, garlic, za'atar, and other traditional foods? Do you know why your neighbors are Palestinian and not Israeli? It's because we've been forced to flee since 1948. Our cities were erased then, and more are still being erased—through violence, through apartheid laws, through genocide, through different methods. Ilan Pappe, an Israeli historian, wrote a book about hundreds of Palestinian cities that were erased to create the Israel you know today. This isn't a war that started a few days ago or even a year ago—this has been going on since at least 1948. More than 45,000 have been killed in Gaza just in the past year alone. 17 000 of them are children, and 13 000 are women. Do you even know what that means? How it feels to lose your children or part of your family? Are you going to tell us how it feels? Do you have no empathy? Is your heart so closed that you can't see the pain around you? Are you really so blind to the suffering of others? How can you ignore these realities? Do you know that the Israeli military has cut off all electricity and completely halted the import of food, water, fuel, and other necessities? There are no hospitals and no medicines left, and 85% of people in Gaza are living in makeshift tents. Yes, tents—but not like the ones you see in movies. These are handmade from plastic scraps. Do you know that my family is suffering from all of this, and I will lose them in this cold weather if you don't act now? Please help us and donate now!
Vetted and shared by @90-ghost: Link.
Verified and shared by @el-shab-hussein: Link
Listed as number 282 in "The Vetted Gaza Evacuation Fundraiser Spreadsheet" compiled by @el-shab-hussein and @nabulsi : Link
Listed on the Butterfly Effect Project, number 957: Link
Additionally, Al Jazeera News has documented apart of my family's case: Link
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#palestine#humanity#charity#gaza#donate#humanitarian aid#help gaza#free gaza#gaza genocide#pray for gaza
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"you cant be a self aware asshole you gotta stop being an asshole" by burnham continues to claim assholes who just cant change everything about them, 17 more dead, 32 in critical condition
#mypost#fighting that quote like nothing else.#IM THIS WAY BECAUSE I WAS MADE THIS WAY -> change then asshole become better or die-> THATS VERY CRUEL TO SAY AND I DO TRY LITTLE BY LITTLE#->then stop claiming it as a personality trait or flaw -> IT SEEMS GLARINGLY IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE CONTRASTED WITH PEOPLE I MEET ->#everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about -> STATISTICALLY IM THE ONE MORE LIKELY TO BE FIGHTING A BATTLE MOST KNOWS NOTHING ABT#ON THE ACCOUNT OF THE. PERSON I AM AND THE LIFE IVE LIVED -> pain cant be compared and measured. see the human experience as equals. cope#-> YOURE RIGHT WHAT IM LACKING IS A SENSE OF COMMUNITY (impossible for me rn) AND OUTSIDE LOVE AND SUPPORT#-> people get better when theyre given outside love and support. how can we hold it against them when they dont#-> SO WE HANG IN THERE. TRYING NOT TO HOLD IT AGAINST OURSELVES I GUESS#-> yeah. tho. im not sure if im happy saying that because we made the quote unapplicable. to anyone.#-> MAYBE NOT EVERYTHINGS APPLICABLE TO EVERYTHING AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HOLDING IT AGAINST PEOPLE THE BETTERMENT OF THEIR MENTAL HEALTH#AT BEST SADDLES THEM WITH FURTHER INDIVIDUALISTIC GOALS AND THE RESPONSIBILITY OF GETTING BETTER#-WHEN MOST OF THE TIME THE NEED TO GET BETTER IS ALREADY TIED TO A LACK OF SUPPORT-#AND AT WORST FURTHER MARGINALIZES THE PEOPLE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED TO BE ALREADY LACKING SUPPORT AND LIVING IN DIFFICULT SITUATIONS#-> yeah. but so what. are we part of marginalized groups who should be thought of in an analytical helpful compassionate but ultimately de#detached manner ? or are on the individual level someone who is hurting other people and acting selfishly and a being bad person?#-> BE HONEST W ME WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HURT ANOTHER PARTY MORE THAN YOU HURT YOURSELF#-> irrelevant. causing myself harm doesnt take away from the pain i inflict#-> OK THEN ANSWER ME THIS ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT ON AVERAGE MORE HURTFUL THAN THE EVERYDAY PEOPLE ON THE STREET#-> again irrelevant. what they do or dont do doesnt absolve me or anything#-> BUT IT DOES MAKE YOU STATISTICALLY A BETTER PERSON OR NOT.#-> claiming causing less harm for others in exchange for more harm for youself makes you a better person. do you hear yourself#-> YEAH NO THATS BATSHIT INSANE... WHY DONT YOU GIVE YOURSELF THE GRACE YOU AFFORD EVERYONE ELSE THO#-> they can be thought of in both emotionally divorced and deeply compassionate ways both of which prove theyre eligible#-> BUT YOU CANT BE? NOT EVEN ABSTRACTLY?#<*->....#-> THE SUN SET WHILE WE WERE TALKING. I CAN BARELY SEE THE KEYBOARD.#*-> you dont need to anymore. i get it#-> YOU SEE?#->i see yeah. lol
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Duolingo is NOT what it used to be.
“Duolingo is ‘sunsetting the development of the Welsh course’ (and many others)”.
I’ve used Duolingo since 2013. It used to be about genuinely learning languages and preserving endangered ones. It used to have a vibrant community and forum where users were listened to. It used to have volunteers that dedicated countless hours and even years to making the best courses they could while also trying to explain extremely nuanced and complex grammar in simple terms.
In the past two years it feels like Von Ahn let the money talk instead of focusing on the original goal.
No one truly had a humongous problem with the subscription tier for SuperDuolingo. We understood it: if you can afford to pay, help keep Duolingo free for those who couldn’t.
It started when the company went public. Volunteers were leaving courses they created because they warned of differing longterm goals compared to Duolingo’s as a company; not long after it was announced that the incubator (how volunteers were able to make courses in the first place) would be shut down. A year goes by and the forums—the voice of the users and the way people were able to share tips and explanations—is discontinued. A year or two later, Duolingo gets a completely new makeover—the Tree is gone and you don’t control what lesson you start with. With the disappearance of the Tree, all grammar notes and explanations for courses not in the Big 8 (consisting of the courses made before the incubator like Spanish/French/German/etc. and of the most popular courses like Japanese/Korean/Chinese/etc.) are removed with it. Were you learning Vietnamese and have no idea how honorifics work without the grammar notes? Shit outta luck bud. Were you learning Polish and have absolutely no clue how one of the declensions newly thrown at you functions? Suck it up. In a Reddit AMA, Von Ahn claims that the new design resulted in more users utilizing the app/site. How he claims that statistic? By counting how many people log into their Duolingo account, as if an entire app renovation wouldn’t cause an uptick in numbers to even see what the fuck just happened to the courses.
Von Ahn announces next in a Reddit AMA that no more language courses will be added from what there already is available. His reasoning? No one uses the unpopular language courses — along with how Duolingo will now be doing upkeep with the courses already in place. And here I am, currently looking on the Duolingo website how there are 1.8 million active learners for Irish, 284 thousand active learners for Navajo, and even 934 thousand active learners for fucking High Valyrian. But yea, no one uses them. Not like the entire Navajo Nation population is 399k members or anything, or like 1.8 million people isn’t 36% of the entire population of Ireland or anything.
And now this. What happened to the upkeep of current courses? Oh, Von Ahn only meant the popular ones that already have infinite resources. Got it. Duolingo used to be a serious foundational resource for languages with little resources while also adding the relief of gamification.
It pisses me off. It really does. This was not what Duolingo started out as. And yea, maybe I shouldn’t get invested in a dingy little app. But as someone who spent most of her adolescence immersed in language learning to the point where it was literally keeping me alive at one point, to the point where languages felt like my only friend as a tween, and to the point where friendships on the Duolingo forums with likeminded individuals my age and other enthusiasts who even sent me books in other languages for free because they wanted people to learn it, the evolution of Duolingo hits a bitter nerve within me.
~End rant.
#duolingo#langblr#huge language rant feel free to skip#evolution of duolingo#luis von ahn#duolingo welsh course#language learning
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Heylo my maggotsies... I'm sorry to do this but I have a thing that I really, really need to do (thank you Ash for helping me realise that) but I'm terrified to. so well. I'm going to make one of the posts (Neil reblogged me a couple of days ago so I feel pretty safe making one now since he only lurks by once in two weeks so this is as good a time as it gets to make a post and not expect many notes, yes I'm an overthinker and I'm actually scared of this getting notes).
Sigh. Here goes.
...I'm scared of even typing it.
Nope okay I can do this let's go.
If this post gets 1k notes, I'll look up jobs in design and film making that don't need a college degree.
2k notes, I'll sign up for an Alliance Francaise course so I can have another language on my CV, and I'll find a course that teaches me how to use design software.
5k, I'll look up distance learning alternatives, because just talking about physical college yesterday made me spend the whole morning and afternoon today in and out of nightmares screaming. Fuck.
10k, I'll tell my mum that I can't do the offline college. She's been talking to me about it, but I've been dodging because I'm not well-off and I really need to be earning and idk how to do that without college and I feel so guilty.
15k, I'll officially back out from the college (does that count as dropping out, if it hasn't begun? maybe half. i am a college and a half dropout, my 11th grade self would hate me and my 10th grade self would refuse to believe it).
I don't know what I'll do then. I don't know how to live as trans here in India, I don't know how to earn enough to be able to help my family, I don't know what I'm good at and I'm so fucking terrified. But. I spoke to @random-doctor-on-the-internet last night (I love you Ash you're such a fucking amazing human) and they made me realise that well maybe landing in a hospital with steroids to relieve an allergy attack because of exam stress isn't normal and so.
Well. Here I am. I know I can't do it, but I'm scared to risk everything, it's just not something people do here, dropping out. But also (TW s**cide statistics mentioned below the cut)... And so I've just. Got to do it, got to save myself and say no to college (cue say no to school, kids joke). Somehow be brave enough. And yeah.
To quote a financial express article: "In an alarming situation, a total of 7,62,648 suicides were reported in India between 2018 to 2022, Of this student suicides account for 7.6% at 59,239". Maybe if more people did say fuck you to the system here, that wouldn't be the case. That number could have been 59,240 (aside from everyone who wasn't counted and hushed up), that could have been me, and I don't want to put myself in that situation again. You know? Yeah.
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hi, i don't know if you've seen the statistics for the arab.org clicks but in the last quarter of 2023, they generated $380 for unrwa - not a huge amount in context of palestinians who need much more than that to leave gaza, but nobody had to donate those dollars. those were generated. and generally, they raise ~$100 per quarter, with most of it coming from their own bridging the gap of donations to make it worth it. i got curious and looked at the stats yesterday and just thought i'd point it out because i feel like people don't see the results of the "daily click" and maybe this would prove that it is actually well worth it. wishing you well <3
thank you anon, that’s a really amazing point!! here’s a reminder to do your daily clicks.
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sad we wont have your help, got any advice we can give to the others because DAMN, we're assholes but like, we don't do shit like THAT, and he wonders why we freed lalnable
dunno who THAT guy is but sure! For one, ya gotta stop letting your plans be so uh, visible. You guys know how to do that, right? Teach the other scrubs or something
and uhh.. always interrupt their evil speech, they never see it coming somehow. know where your goal is before you go in, and have a plan for causing maximum damage if you have to pull out
also this guy looks REAL flimsy i bet you could deck him once and he'd be out. so, he's probably gonna hide behind tech. if you can throw a wrench into those gears he's screwed
lastly cops arent your friends and neither is the government
#well they MIGHT be in this universe. but statistically if youve got guys like this theyre not#wouldn't be opposed to helping if you guys are really that desperate lol but the other guy might get maaaad#sooo sorry miss scared of explosions smh#also i dont have fuckall with me. maybe another day ey? i do love seeing a smug asshole eat shit and die#swapsies event#masked parade
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[04:24 am] “what are we?”
wc: 2.3k
a/n: [fluff viktor brainrot thanks to @dilemmars. t dije q me vengaría baby, así q zas, un payback por tus podcasts jdjfjjsd. hope u like cause its ur fault]
he’s humming something you don’t quite understand, a distant tune that sounds familiar —probably you’ve heard him sing it before—, and even if you don’t recognize the melody aside from that, you can’t help but appreciate it.
his hands fidget with whatever he can reach as he sighs once more, as if he was stealing breaths from the world, heavy, almost as lidded as his eyelids. his hair falls on his eyes and in between his slender fingers while he curls the untamed strands, and you fall into an endless pit of staring at him as he scribbles, grunts, sighs, and finally pinches the bridge of his nose.
“statistically speaking, i’m starting to feel like the chances of me getting this right are adversatively proportional to the chances of you accidentally swallowing a fly.”
and you just blink, once, then twice.
he stares at you, gives you a pointed look. he can’t really say if you understood that you were just staring at him with your mouth parted, but you squint at him, snickering.
“what,” his low voice fails to ask, unbothered, knowing that you’ll answer regardless.
and you do, answering. “you haven’t even uttered a word in a while. i was just surprised that you could still talk, is all,” you grin cheekily, playing with a screw on the table as you turn left and right on the chair you’re sitting on.
viktor looks at you, and he can’t help but crack a smile. point for you.
“what you laughing for, mhh, mister science?”
“isn’t it enough to bother me from the moment i get inside the lab in the morning that you need to do it at night too?” he pretends seriousness, side-eyeing you teasingly.
“fair enough. i will consider your offer, man of fleeting memory, and take it upon myself to bother you longer.”
his mean stare wouldn’t even make a kitten mewl, but you take you hand to your heart, pretending to be wounded.
“don’t look at me like that! you’ll hurt my feewings,” you pouted, much to his amusement.
“fleeting memory?” he scoffs, accent rolling off his tongue. “when’s the last time you lost a hairtie, mmh?” he mocks.
“unfair!” you can’t help but giggle as you pretend to hide your hair from his view. point for him. “besides. i take better care of my hair than you do of yours.” you pouted smuggly. “mine looks prettier.”
“what?” he finally asks, letting out a chuckle this time as his eyes land on you for the first time in the good part of an hour.
you play with your hair to style it, and funnily pose, hands on your cheeks as you lay your elbows on the table.
“what, don’t I look pretty?” you smiled, letting out a cheeky giggle.
yes. he doesn’t say it, but his eyes haven’t dodged back to his papers just yet. it’s another point for you. so very pretty.
he doesn’t dare. he knows it. his mind, or at least the small portion of his mind that still ties him with the occasional reminder that he’s human, looks at you and wants you in a way that he’s never wanted before.
so viktor resolves in looking at you. maybe only for a moment, maybe only on those fragments of time when he’s tired enough that he looks at the stars and at the moon, yearning to reach them, only to think he’ll miss the moonlight, finally blinking to the realization that he had been staring into your eyes for too long.
his eyes are dull as he stares at you, and your expression of worry at the fact makes his heart skip a beat. “viktor?” you mumble, softly, sleepily, warily. he can’t stop staring at you, and while he supposes success and defeat can look the same in a mirror —therefore, he doesn’t really blame your confusion—, he finds no words to explain which one he’s feeling as you move your chair towards him by a push against the floor, solely accompanied by the sound of the little wheels rolling to him.
he grabs his walking stick and turns it around, pretending to poke at your chair, as if to teasingly shove it away. if you realize that he settles the walking stick just in the correct place so that your stool can’t move back, he doesn’t know. viktor just stares at the floor, to pretend that maybe the way your eyes turn tender when his reflection shines on them has nothing to do with what you’re about to say.
tsk, tsk. clueless viktor.
he’s expecting it, yes, but even with that on mind, he can’t phathom how your course of action chooses laughing as you fidget with the loose button on his vest, the second one from the top down. viktor purposely forces himself to stable his breathing, worry seeping into him, thinking that maybe you could feel his heartbeat grow faster beneath the layers of clothing.
and he feels like the remnants of a cheap ring that stain a finger blue, when comparing himself as he stands —sits— close and next to you. maybe its because you usually wear rings, and he can feel the ghost of them as your hand trails up and absentmindedly fixes his collar.
he can almost see it. your mind working, the pieces falling into place, the—
“either my eyes are deceiving me or yours have been on my lips for a rather long time.”
and he can just. blink. as if that could break how mesmerized he feels, how his heart swells up and covers his throat, how inexplicably he feels when you’re with him, near and alone. the need to know more. the need to use every trinket and screw to map out your body for him to explore, and to map out the wonders of your mind for the world to admire and maybe then find out the reason of his inability to look away.
he was so focused before. used to be.
he is. now, at you. of you. on you.
you.
another point for you. he isn’t keeping count, but something tells him he’s losing.
and as his gaze falls back to your lips in between a battle against your eyes, lost in which to stare and sink into their devotion, he hesitates again.
he thinks its funny. so funny, viktor holds back the dry chuckle that threatens to go past his lips. how to cherish you in a way that matters. how to love, the scientist wonders. is there a way that would allow him to unveil and unravel himself to you? could there be some kind of language, able to express the depth of his insides, that you, too, could understand?
what is love, anyways? is he in love with you because his coffee tastes better when it matches the dark of your pupils? because when he takes the mug from your hand and his fingers brush against yours, it seems warmer? because he notices how the dark shade in your eyes seems to mix with that of your irises, and the way the black eats the colour when you stare at him? because he claims to hate company while he studies alone, but one chair remains empty as he works, waiting for who it was meant for? because when he fails and surrenders himself to the fall, throws his walking stick against the wall, he yearns for your embrace and how your hair smells in the evenings?
is that love? and if it is, could you understand it?
if it is love, and he could say it, would such a short word convey its meaning, or was he speculating just a couple of paragraphs ago? was he assuming the meaning of what love entails?
even so. if he said it, would you repeat it? would you claim you love him because he loves you, claim to love him too? would you instead claim to love him despite everything, even the uncertainty of love itself?
…does he accept it himself?
he’s overwhelmed by the sheer amount of voices in his head. there’s too much chatter. too many questions he can’t answer, too many commas, too many question marks. too much, too much, too many.
so he silences them. makes the voices dim to a deep silence. and when his lips find themselves suddenly against yours, he finds out the true, effervescent meaning of quietness.
his hand fails to pull you closer because of the damn walking stick that gets in the way. or maybe its the chairs you’re both on that clash against each other. maybe its matter itself. for a while, its the first time viktor doesn’t want to know.
in a bold statement, he couldn’t give a fuck.
he’s kissing you.
and it should be bad because of all the unanswered questions. he’s skipping procedure. he’s gone from the fuck around to finding out and he doesn’t know where he is at this point.
what he does know, is that your hand pulls him by his necktie, and he’s gone. science? yours only. the science that he’d study all of the nights he may have left. the science behind what makes you. the science behind how your hand craddles his face while stroking his cheekbones. the science behind how you’re the closest you’ve ever been to him and somehow still not close enough. the science behind the reason why when you pull away makes his heart beat so loudly, as if it had forgotten how to a second ago.
your forehead rests against his. he shouldn’t have done that. he just… did it. maybe that was bad. was it? could it be? he had been waiting for so long too. he never thought he would…
“viktor, what are we?”
and he’s dead. he knows what the question implies, but he doesn’t want to answer. he could follow you like a lost puppy through piltover and zaun and hell knows where else. if he wasn’t dead now he would die right there and now without a second thought, because the feeling that overcame him was that love was suddenly a sentence or two away.
he knows he doesn’t dare. it’s one of the only thing he knows, one of the things he’s sure of.
but somehow, he moves. he stands up, takes the walking stick, and attempts to walk out the feeling that bounces inside him.
the walking stick always makes a noise when he walks, one with dificulties to interpret in terms of onomatopeia. not quite a thud, not deep enough to reach that quality. not a clack, for it is not entirely made of metal. still, as if it was a mix of both, he keeps walking.
viktor is nervous. thud-clack. he’s not moving far from his chair, nor is he going somewhere else. thud-clack. he still keeps pacing. thud-clack. maybe the answer is somewhere in the room. thud-clack. maybe he can reply.
thud-clack, thud-clack, thud-clack.
only does he then realize that he hasn’t answered your question. and a non-answer statement might as well be a rejection.
no. no, no, no. fuck.
he’s sitting again, but you stand up. your hair follows, long. moving and brushing against the skin of your shoulders in a way that he can’t help but claim it to be endearing.
you’re walking. you don’t make any kind of extra sound when you walk. your heels reverberate against the floor like any other, yet also they mark the beat of his heart.
he can’t reach for you. you walk too fast.
you stop when you feel the walking stick on your side. the part made for him to lean on as he walks hooks you, and you stand, not facing him.
he doesn’t use the walking stick as he stands. no, he keeps it hooked to your core, scared that you might leave. you could, he wouldn’t blame you. but he can’t allow it.
he holds it in the air as he takes one step. another step. you’re turning, surprised to see him standing, and you gasp when he lets himself fall on you.
your touch surrounds him. yes. that’s the closeness he needed. he drops the walking stick, his hands slithering on your body, pressing you against him, for no reason at all yet because it is all needs.
“what can we be?” he whispers. he takes the science approach. the viktor approach.
he isn’t too clueless after all.
he raises enough to look at your darkened, sleepy eyes. he wants to drown in them.
“if i wanted to kiss you everytime you hand me coffee, wanted you to sit on the same chair as ne and hug me from behind as I work, wanted you.” he swallows dry. “then, what can we be?”
he doesn’t want to say the words, and its petty.
it’s the 31st when the clock strickes five am and your hands travel through his hair to kiss him again. to unbalance him enough that he falls back on his chair and you follow him, sitting on his lap.
and as he kisses you, his hands worshipping the skin he can touch, the warmth he can feel through layers of clothing, he feels like maybe there’s a life worth living, so he can’t ask.
he’s heard boys and girls when he was young talk about it. “he didn’t want to celebrate our month-versary,” a girl cried as he played with his little boat, watching from afar as she was comforted by her friend.
it’s the 31st. and he can’t really ask the question now, because if he says it, how could you celebrate each month?
he moves the chair and holds you in his arms as your back falls against the table before him. maybe he can kiss you until next month. until the clock strikes and it’s the 1st.
he smiles as he kisses you, feeling you pull his necktie off. he thinks it’s the best idea he’s had in a while. and a true scientist always tries out their hypothesis.
~k.k. (☆) have fun!
aaksuitac, november 2024 ©
#arcane#arcane league of legends#arcane season 2#viktor arcane#viktor x reader#viktor league of legends#viktor#victor arcane#arcane fanfic#arcane fic#arcane x reader#arcane x you#arcane x y/n#arcane x female reader#arcane show#arcane fluff#viktor machine herald
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