#maybe there’ll be another one next month!

[freezingsheep]

It happened!

Weeeeeks ago when I migrated to this hellsite (affectionate) I shared the one thing I’ve actually created - the digital escape games I made during lockdown. I amended the starting forms to add Tumblr as an option for where people found the games and waited for the influx of new players.

And I waited.

And waited.

I even pinned the post to the top of my blog so it didn’t get lost. And then unpinned it a couple of days later when it still had zero notes because it just felt a bit sad. I resigned myself to the fact that maybe Tumblr just isn’t that kind of vibe and let my zero-note post slip shamefully down the stack.

But now look! My first ever Tumblrina!

Unfortunately this one is a 2-player game and only one of the characters was initiated so “A” has not actually gotten past the first screen… but still… I’ll take it!

Link added in case any of you beautiful weirdos were curious and/or fancied making my day.

[lullxby]

I’m on my knees begging for a jealous percy x fem!reader please 🙏🙏

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ ALWAYS BEEN HERE (p.j.)

summary : in which percy and y/n din’t notice each other, even though they’ve always been there.

w.c. : about 1.5k

a/n : first writing in a few months! there’ll probably (definitely) be a part 2 for this but i just needed tk get smth out 😭

requests r still open!

wattpad: poet1cmystery

warning(s) : none!

| riordanverse masterlist | navigation |

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

percy shouldn’t care if you were flirting with another guy. even if that guy was taller, stronger, and older. he shouldn’t care. he really really shouldn’t. the two of you hated each other.

that being said, he couldn’t draw his eyes away from you and luke castellan’s bodies, so close you were practically touching. you laughed at every one of the older boy’s jokes, your lips rounding around your teeth and you smiled widely.

“gods, they’re all over each other,” the boy scoffed, looking to his best friend, tearing his stare away from the sight across the campfire flames.

grover, as unphased as ever, just shrugs. “yeah. have been for a couple weeks now,” he says, shoving a perfectly-roasted marshmallow into his mouth, “‘m happy for them. they seem to like each other.”

“yeah, a lot.” percy adds with a roll of his eyes.

“i don’t get it!” he continues, “why are they so out and the open about it?! that’s too much pda.”

he would act this way with anyone, right? yeah. you guys just shouldn’t be on top of each other like that.

“percy, they’re barely touching,” his satyr friend points out, his voice flat.

“so?- still! grover, you’re supposed to be on my side,” percy insisted.

“alright,” the overall passive boy supports, “i guess they’re kinda close, especially in public.”

“exactly!” percy agreed, enthusiastic while keeping his voice low.

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

the next time percy saw you and luke together was at the arena. you and percy were sparring, your swords clashing together as sweat fell down the both of you.

suddenly, luke came into frame. he wasn’t in the way, or even in the main part where people would spar. he was sort of off to the sides, but close enough to distract percy.

you were able to pin the boy down, cheering in triumph and getting off of him.

he blinked, his brain catching up to what had just happened. he lay still on the dirt, looking up at you.

“dude, are you gonna get up?”

except it wasn’t your voice, it was luke’s.

luke stood over him, just mere inches away from where you were standing. why did you guys always have to be like that?

it was like the gods were trying to torture him.

luke wasn’t even a good person, not even close to good enough for you. you were sweet, and funny, and you always thought of others. maybe you weren’t that way withh percy, but he wasn’t blind.

“need a hand?” you asked, extending your arms towards him.

he grabbed it silently, pulling himself up.

his mouth opened to say something, to relieve himself of the thoughts swirling through his head. though, he didn’t get the chance to, considering luke came up to you, slinging an arm around your shoulder.

“c’mon,” the boy said, his tone slightly harsher than percy preferred.

that stayed with anyone. nobody should be talked to like that, even if he constantly butted heads with them.

surpising not only you, but his self aswell, he shot you an apologetic glance.

you just let it slide off, as if you hadn’t seen anything at all.

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

later on that week, he saw you and luke arguing about something.

the two of you shouted at each other, words percy couldn’t pick up. luke was looking st you, a flame in his eye, as if he didn’t care at all.

percy knew you saw it to, because you held your hand up, then stormed off.

he couldn’t lie, he felt bad. you didn’t deserve that. you deserved someone better, someone who would care.

that clearly wasn’t luke.

should he comfort you? you looked upset.

he should atleast ask if you were alright.

so that’s what he did.

he slowly approached you, as if you would turn and get angry at him for doing so. you were turned away, your back facing him as you chewed anxiously on your nail.

“y/n?” he called out, standing a couple feet away from you.

you spun on your heel, your tear-brimmed eyes not going unnoticed by percy. he didn’t comment on it, wanting to at least let you have something.

“i uh, heard what happened. you alright?” the boy asked, his hand reaching up to awkwardly scratch the back of his neck, awaiting your response.

he watched as your facade changed, pulling your hand away from your lips sighing deeply.

“yeah, i guess. he was an asshole, so i mean, it was bound to happen,” you said, trying to assure you weren’t sad. your voice cracked as you spoke, something you tried to cover with a small laugh.

after years of arguing with you, percy had gotten used to all the small things about you. how you were when you were lying, when you were sad, angry, anything.

so, he said the first thing that came to mind.

“want a, uh, hug or something?”

that wasn’t weird, right?

of course not.

he was just comforting you. he’d do it with anyone, obviously. he wasn’t a monster. he wasn’t about to just let you stand there in yiur sadness.

you just nodded, hesitantly wrapping your arms around the boy’s neck.

the embrace was a stiff, but comforting nonetheless. it was good to know there was at least someone who believed you and din’t blame you for the split.

you knew in just a few hours time people would start asking luke what happened, and fall victim to his charm, just as you had.

percy waited until you pulled away first, not wanting you to feel like he was just doing this to do it. he truly didn’t mind holding you for longer, and over a few seconds he tightened his arms, making it feel more natural.

after a moment, you unraveled your arms from him, sending him a soft smile to accompany your soft words.

“thank you, percy.”

he took in your appearance, his eyes roaming all around your face. a small tear had made its’ way down your cheek, something that he didn’t fail to notice, but also didn’t want to comment on.

after all, you two weren’t close. what would he do if you started crying? he didn’t have time to think about it, as you turned and walked quickly towards your cabin, as if you had been itching to get away.

he saw you next at the campfire, a few days later. considering the amount of time that had passed, he just assumed that you were taking time to comprehend everything.

when you sat across the fire from him, you looked completely fine. as if nothing had happened.

your friends swarmed around you, their faces lighting up at the sight of you. percy assumed they hadn’t seen you either.

you laughed and chatted with the other half-bloods around you, but it all looked strained to percy. maybe he just wasn’t used to you smiling in any way except sarcastically, or the stuff with like was still hitting you hard.

luke.

percy’s mind roamed. what had you even seen in him? he couldn’t have been that funny. and he certainly wasn’t the nicest guy around.

was it his looks? percy asked himself. he knew luke was attractive, but that couldn’t be it.

his thoughts vanished as he heard someone say your name.

they seemed to do that now a days. he chalked it up to you going through rough time.

he heard your name again, and saw you sort of pretending you didn’t hear it. your conversation with your friends continued, not paying any mind to someone trying to get your attention.

rude, the boy thought, his previous feelings for you resurfacing.

his negativity towards you dissolved as he saw who was bidding for you.

luke.

why did everything revolve around luke?

he didn’t know why, but percy wanted to help you.

him and luke weren’t friends, but they weren’t enemies. so, he approached the other boy, sparking up a conversation. he said everything he could think of, anything that would get luke off of your back.

as much as percy disliked you, he disliked seeing you cry even more. so, if he stopped someone from making you cry, it was a win-win.

he walked off with luke, looking back to see if anyone was looking at him and the other boy. when he did, he locked eyes with you, and noticed a small smile blooming from your lips.

he offered one back, then watched as you turned back to your friends.

maybe you guys weren’t so against each other anymore.

percy couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

percy jackson taglist: none, lmk if you’d like to be added!

[cevansbrat0007]

Cross-Country Christmas (Teaser)

Summary: After Ari is left stranded by a surprise winter storm, you find yourself wishing for a little Christmas miracle...

Warnings: Mature Themes, Angst, Ari Being A Menace, Holiday Themes, Smut, Arguments, Spanking (mentioned), Pet Names, Cursing, More Warnings to Come Minors DNI

A/N: This is only a TEASER, the longer fic is coming soon. Part of my Sweet Renegades Series. Semi-proofread, not beta'd. All mistakes are my own. Likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated. Thanks for reading!

8:30am on Christmas Day - Bell’s Creek, Texas

“I promise I’ll be fine, Beast.” Drying your tears, you crumble up your tissues in your fist before discarding them in favor of taking a sip of your coffee. “Like you just said, there’ll be other holidays. And certainly other Christmases.”

Ari was still stuck in Omaha. And while you had suspected this call was coming, you hadn’t been prepared for how much the disappointment would affect you.

By all accounts, your Bounty Hunter appeared to be in good spirits, albeit a little tired. He was still on standby, even though all flights were still grounded indefinitely. But you’d at least been happy to hear that he’d somehow managed to catch a few hours of sleep. 

Not only that, but he’d also made a new friend in some guy named Clint. They apparently had a number of things in common, with the most important being that they’d both served overseas. Ari had also alluded to his new buddy being in law enforcement as well. 

But if you were being honest, you’d been so focused on trying to sound positive that you hadn’t quite been able to focus on his words as much as you would’ve liked. Thankfully, Ari seemed keen on having a conversation – even if it felt a bit one-sided.

“The airline keeps offering to put us up for the night. Anyone who accepts will be guaranteed a spot on one of the first flights out.” Ari coughs softly before continuing. “However, if you’re willing to wait a little bit there’s talk about them sweetening the deal with some sort of voucher or somethin’, plus miles and all that shit.” 

“Oh?” Is all you can manage, forcing yourself to take another pull of your now lukewarm coffee.

“Yeah. So, Clint and I were thinking…” He trails off, briefly leaning away from the receiver to comment on something you couldn’t see.

“You two were thinking…what?” Your next sip of coffee tastes surprisingly bitter on your tongue. Maybe you would dump out the pot and brew a fresh one. 

“That we should take ‘em up on their offer and just ride this storm out. We take the points, get the voucher, and then maybe in a month or two, we go on a vacation together somewhere nice.” 

“You and Clint?!” You screech, accidentally knocking over your mug in the process. “Shit!” You scramble out of your chair to grab a dish towel and hurriedly mop up the mess. 

“Hate to break it to ya, baby, but Clint’s not really my type.” The Bounty Hunter chuckles into the phone. “I was talking about me and you, Bird. We can pick a destination and have ourselves a holiday do-over.”

A beat goes by before you respond the only way that makes any real, logical sense. Even though it seems to take every last bit of your resolve.  

“Okay.” Your voice comes out small and resigned. 

“Aw now, don’t fret. I’ll be home soon.” Ari does his best to reassure you. “And once I’m back, we will spend every waking minute making up for lost time. You have my word.”

Well, when he put it like that…

“I guess we can hold off for a little while longer.” You sniff, wishing you could just go back to bed and sleep until tomorrow. “But you had better keep your promise, Beast. Otherwise I’m gonna have to track down Santa and ask him for a new man.” 

Your half-hearted attempt at humor elicits a short bark of laughter from Ari which, in turn, makes you smile as well. It would be hard, but you could make it 

“Try it, sweet Bird, and I’m telling you right now that I’ll have you in my truck and over my knee before you make it outta the next county.” Comes his gruff response, clearly not enjoying the image of you hanging off another fella’s arm. 

You know without asking that he’s probably not kidding – so you decide to leave it alone. If he wanted to thump his chest a little, then you’d let him. 

“It was a joke.” You tell him when the line falls silent. Standing, you pad towards the fridge on bare feet, stopping once you reach the doors. Yanking one open, you survey the contents, silently wondering if you should even be bothered enough to cook today. Granted, you’d already brined the turkey so –

“Joking about my replacement isn’t funny, Bird.” Ari growls, the sound rumbling from somewhere deep in his chest. “Especially when I can’t be there in person to plead my case.”

You blow out a harsh breath at the same time as your eyes roll heavenwards. Why couldn't he understand that you needed to crack wise here and there in order to keep from crying?

END TEASER

[steddieas-shegoes]

“We should probably just do vanilla cake, right?”

“Our daughter is not boring. She should have confetti cake.”

“Vanilla isn’t boring!”

“It’s literally called being vanilla when someone doesn’t like a little fun in the bedroom, Steve.”

“First of all, don’t call me that. Second of all, she’s turning one. She’s not gonna care. She’s never had most of this stuff.”

“So her first adventure with it should be fun!”

Steve and Eddie had been arguing about Ella’s first birthday for a month now. It was starting to become an issue as it was two weeks away and they’d planned nothing except for the guest list.

Even Robin was starting to get worried they wouldn’t be able to pull it off.

“What if we let her pick?”

“She’s one.”

“Yeah, and? We give her two options on pieces of paper and she picks one.”

“That’s a terrible idea.”

“Why?”

“Because what if she picks princess plates but dinosaur decorations?”

“Why can’t she have both?”

Steve glared at him.

“I’m just saying, she’s one. This party is more for us than her, and she won’t remember it.”

“But there’ll be pictures.”

“And when we all look back at them, she’ll be happy that we let her have whatever made her little one year old brain happy.”

Steve sighed, which meant Eddie was winning. This was the first time he’d had the upper hand the whole time.

“Where can we get a confetti cake?”

“You know Lena? Owns the bakery by the tattoo place?”

“The one who gave you the notebook of all the queer friendly spots in town?”

Eddie snaps his fingers and points at Steve.

“That’s her! She already offered to make one.”

“And you told her yes already, didn’t you?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny such allegations.”

Steve rolled his eyes and turned to continue writing things on his checklist that had nothing checked off.

“We also should check with Joyce about using the cabin. I know we said renting the bar out in the morning would be good, but imagine a first birthday in a bar.”

“It’s metal as hell, Stevie.”

“It’s questionable parenting, Eds.”

And here they were at another problem.

————————————

“So you’ve accomplished nothing?”

“We got a cake!”

Eddie was sitting on the couch supervising Ella’s play time while Steve and Robin were “planning” her party in the kitchen.

Eddie had been banished from all party endeavors after he brought home a baby-sized electric guitar and drum set and said it was for her to play at the party.

Robin took over and, admittedly, they’d accomplished a lot more already.

But this was their first official meeting and Robin was shocked to find out that they had next to nothing with only one week until the party.

“You stop talking!” Robin yelled back at him.

So he focused on entertaining Ella.

“Baby girl, I don’t know about you, but this party planning business is not what it’s cracked up to be. Maybe we should just give you your presents here and call it a day, hm?”

“Dada! Pay!”

“Yes, baby, I’m playin’.”

He helped her build a castle with her alphabet blocks, smiling when she pointed to the D and said “D. Dada!”

She was so fucking smart, it was scary.

When she got bored with the blocks, she started tapping on her plastic keyboard, hitting the same two notes again and again.

Eddie showed her the D key.

“This is D, Ella. See this one? You push this and it makes a D note. D like Dada!”

Ella pushed the key and then clapped.

“D! D!”

“Yeah, D!”

She kept smacking the D key, and Eddie kept smiling at her.

Someone cleared their throat behind him and he turned to see Steve smiling down at them, hands on his hips.

“Oh. Ella, show Daddy what you learned.”

“D! Dada! Daddy!” She said as she banged the D key.

Steve sat down next to Eddie and put his hand on his knee, squeezing it once before running his thumb back and forth over the hole in his jeans.

“You showed her that?”

“I’m gonna make her into a baby Mozart,” he said as he nodded. “She’s a natural.”

“Okay, love.”

“How’d the planning go?”

“Robin’s handling it.”

“All of it?”

Steve sighed.

“She said I’m being unreasonable.”

“But when I say it, I’m being rude and not giving you a chance.”

“When she says it, I know it’s true. When you say it, I know it’s because you’re not getting your way.”

“Do you hear this Ella? Slander from your father. I remember when it was just you and me, playing some tunes…”

“Oh my god,” Steve said around a laugh.

“Sometimes three’s a crowd, huh Ella?”

“Dada song!”

“Here, I play, you help.”

Eddie sat Ella in his lap and moved the keyboard in front of them, holding her tiny hands in his to guide them through Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Steve clapped at the end of it, beaming at them both as if they’d just performed at Madison Square Garden.

“Incredible. I’d offer you a record deal on the spot.”

“Already had that, I’m retired. Thank you, though.”

Eddie kissed the top of Ella’s head as she kept banging on the keys, then leaned over to kiss Steve’s forehead.

————————————

Robin pulled off a hell of a party.

Not only did she manage to find princess rock star decorations, but she managed to find a live band that was willing to play kids songs, and a caterer who was willing to serve an entirely new menu so last minute.

There was even an open bar for the adults.

Eddie’s entire band and their families were there, the Hawkins crew and their families, Steve’s coworkers and their families, and most surprising of all, Steve’s mom.

He’d gone back and forth on whether to even invite her, but since she’d left his dad, she’d been trying to reconcile and get to know him again.

She brought a Barbie dream house because she didn’t seem to understand that one year olds weren’t quite at Barbie level, but it was the thought that counted or so Eddie kept reminding Steve when he got mad about “thoughtless gifts that just take up space.”

Ella loved playing with all the kids and sharing her new toys. Eddie and Steve had built her a play set at home that she didn’t even see yet.

She was spoiled, but it was the best kind.

Not the kind that Steve had growing up; useless and thoughtless gifts that were flashy and expensive because that’s what helped his parents feel better about leaving him with nannies or alone.

The kind where love was in abundance, where everyone wanted her to have the best because they loved her, where the best was sometimes the dollar store magic wand and tiara set so she could play princess and sometimes was a toddler sized drum set. Everyone came to her party because they were excited she was part of the family, not because they expected a big blowout with the finest food and drinks money can buy.

Eddie took a moment to look around at everyone. He never knew he’d end up here, he couldn’t have even dreamed it in his wildest ones that came from being cross faded in high school.

Steve wrapped his arms around him from behind, kissing his shoulder when he started to lean back.

“Turned out great, right?”

“It did, sweetheart. Always does with you.”

[shuadotcom]

Polaroid Love | KMG

Summary: The prospect of meeting Mingyu’s family has you feeling a new emotion that you’ve never felt with anyone else. 

Pairing: Kim Mingyu x GN!Reader

Genres & AUs: Fluff, slice of life, established relationship au, college au

Rating: PG15

Warnings: Profanity, a make-out scene, mention of something suggestive but otherwise just fluffy

Words: 4.8k

Note: This was supposed to be posted on Mingyu’s birthday, but life happened so here it is now! Thank you to my wonderful beta @playmetheclassics​​ ily Indi mwah! 😘 This banner took me like an hour to make in canva and I’m very proud of it thank you very much. Anyway I love Mingyu 🙂

Net tag: @kflixnet​​

“Please? It'll be fun!”

“No.”

“Please? You just have to show up and talk to a couple of my family members. It's not a big deal.”

“Mingyu, no.”

“Pleaseeee!”

“I said no, Gyu!”

A chorus of shushes is heard after your outburst, along with glares from the other library patrons. Bowing your head quickly, you whisper apologies while your boyfriend giggles from next to you. A light pinch to his thigh stops him, though.

“Ow!” Mingyu whines, rubbing the sore spot. “That hurt! You're always so mean.”

Rolling your eyes at his dramatics, you stare at your book again. “Don’t be such a baby.”

He’s about to respond when you’re interrupted by your best friend and roommate nearly colliding with your table.

“Did you guys hear!?” Jeongyeon is out of breath as she harshly whispers at you.

“Did we hear what, that you're in love with Park Jimin? The whole campus knows.” You laugh and dodge the pen she throws at you.

“No, smartass! We're going away for spring break.”

“Who is we?”

“All of us! You two, me, Soonyoung, Hansol, Junhui, everyone. Jeonghan was able to convince Seungcheol to help drive us all to the beach for the break.”

“How the hell did he accomplish that? I remember when we brought it up a few months ago, Seungcheol said he’d rather do a pop quiz every day over break before taking all of us anywhere.”

Jeongyeon shrugs. “Who knows? You know Cheol can never say no to Jeonghan.”

“How many vans do you think we'll need to get?” Mingyu asks, leaning over the table in excitement.

Jeongyeon taps her finger against her chin in thought. “Maybe two? There’ll be fifteen of us, so it depends on how many seats they have.”

“Oh, only fifteen? I would’ve thought Jimin would be coming,” you tease, watching her get flustered at another mention of her crush’s name.

“I - I don’t even know what he’s doing for the break.”

“Ask him and see if he’s free. Maybe if you're lucky, you guys will get to sit next to each other for the whole drive.” You watch Jeongyeon's eyes widen, and you can practically hear her mind running at full speed in thought. “Well, I'll leave you with that thought. I'm off to lunch.” You stand up and gather your books with Mingyu right behind you.

“Poor Noona. You’ve left her in there to stress about how she’ll ask Jimin-hyung on the trip," he chuckles, throwing an arm over your shoulders.

Rolling your eyes, you wave off his concern. “She’s fine, I promise. She’s been into him for about two years and frothing at the mouth for a chance to get closer to him. He likes her too if the way he practically drools over her whenever they are within a five-foot radius of each other is any indication. One of them needs to suck it up and ask the other out because they're torturing themselves.”

“If it’ll help, I can talk to Jungkook about it during class later and see if I can get him to mention it to him.”

“Good idea, Gyu,” you praise him, placing a kiss on his hand that’s dangling over your shoulder.

He squeezes your shoulder in response, pulling you closer to his body. “Don’t worry about it. The only thing you need to worry about is picking out an outfit.”

Skeptically you crane your neck up to look at him, brows furrowed. “For what?”

“For my family reunion.”

“No.”

“Please?!”

“I said no. I'm not going.”

“But-”

“No.” You reach the cafeteria then and slip from Mingyu’s embrace. He has a class in the building next door, so you know he won’t pester you anymore for at least an hour.

“Baby!”

“See you later, Gyu!” You blow him a kiss and slip inside before he can say anything else.

The rest of the week is crammed with last-minute assignments, everyone making plans for spring break, and Mingyu bringing up the family reunion any chance he gets.

It's not that you don’t want to go because you dislike Mingyu's family or anything. You’ve never actually met them, which in itself is the real problem. What if they don’t like the way you look? What if they don’t think you’re good enough for Mingyu? What if they end up hating you completely?

You’re not usually one to worry too much about what people think of you, but the idea of anyone as close to Mingyu as his family not liking you fills you with an immeasurable amount of dread. You’ve been dating for nearly a year, and you care about him more than anyone else you’ve ever been with. You’re lucky enough to have been able to fall into his friend group so easily and get along with everyone, but his family is so much deeper than that. You’re not sure you can handle someone like his mom taking one look at you and deciding you’re not right for her son.

You have a few weeks before the reunion, so you figure if you can deny him enough times, he'll forget about it and stop bringing it up. So far, your plan is failing miserably, though, as every other day, he’s bringing it up in person or sending you message after message about it.

You’ll be the first to admit that you have a problem opening up and talking about your feelings. You tend to bottle your emotions up inside, keeping them tucked close to you and have been that way as long as you can remember. Because of this, you’ve yet to tell Mingyu the real reason you keep turning him down, at least not yet, not until you can gather the courage to dive into your feelings more.

It’s been a week since you’ve been trying to deter the reunion conversation with Mingyu, at times even turning down hanging out with him completely to doge the topic, citing you being too busy with assignments, which is half-true. Running from your feeling is the other half of that excuse, but he doesn’t need to know that yet.

After your last class on Friday ends, you head to the library, hoping to finish your homework before meeting Jeongyeon for dinner and starting the weekend. While you’re on the last question of your sociology assignment, a noticeable shadow appears over your table. When you glance up, Wonwoo, Mingyu’s roommate, is staring down at you with a stoic expression.

“Yes?”

“Mingyu is very distressed.”

“And?”

“And you should fix it. He's been moping around our room all day and blowing up the group chat nonstop. He keeps whining about how you won't go to his family reunion and meet his family.”

“He's a drama queen,” you mumble. Wonwoo sighs and leans over the table in front of you. Wonwoo is probably one of the guys in your large group of friends you were closest with, besides your boyfriend, of course. The tall, dark-haired man seemed intimidating and cold when you first met, but his looks are deceiving. Wonwoo is nothing but sweet and funny and has proven to be a great listener when you needed to vent when Jeongyeon or Mingyu weren’t around.

“He really likes you, you know. He doesn't shut up about you when you're not around, and it kind of makes the rest of us want to strangle him.” Wonwoo lets out a laugh and looks back at you as you avoid his gaze.

“Look, he wants you to meet his family because he's serious about you. He's only dated three other people in his whole life, and none of them met his family beyond maybe his parents and sister here and there. He never even mentioned bringing any of them around his entire family, so think about that.” He stands upright after his words, giving you one more look.

“I don’t want to pry, so I won’t ask you to tell me why you won’t go, but just know it’s more important to him than he’s probably said to you.” With that, Wonwoo sends you a wave that you feebly return before leaving you alone in your corner of the library.

The thought of just how important the reunion is to Mingyu hadn’t been something you thought about. And the knowledge of you being the only partner of his to meet his whole family has butterflies taking flight in your stomach and dread washing over you. Something new and foreign stirs in your chest at that moment, which has your mind whirling.

Quickly, you stand up and gather your things, sending a brief text to Jeongyeon to bring dinner to your shared room because you have something very important to discuss with her.

Your dorm building is just as busy as it usually is when you get inside, with students kicking soccer balls in the hallways, leaving their doors open while they blast music, or loitering in the halls and chatting. You take the stairs to the second floor to successfully dodge Joshua, who you glimpse heading into the elevator down the hall. Wonwoo had only cornered you to give you a small lecture, but you’re sure Joshua won’t hesitate to bring it up and try to press a little as to why you keep turning Mingyu down.

When you round the corner of your hall, you spot Jeongyeon already there, hanging outside your room while conversing with one of the younger men in your group of friends.

“Beat it, Chan.”

“What?” A look of surprise flashes over his face as he looks between the two of you.

“You heard me. Leave.”

“But earlier this morning Jeongyeon-noona said I could eat dinner with you guys tonight!”

“Yeah, well, Jeongyeon and I have something very important to discuss, and you're not invited.” His intense pout instantly makes you feel bad.

“Sorry, Chan,” you sigh. “I just really have to talk to her about something that’s kind of an emergency. Can we take a rain check?” You soften your tone, hoping to lessen his disappointment.

Chan glances at Jeongyeon, who shrugs. “Alright, fine,” he relents. “But you have to buy me a snack next time for being mean.”

“Deal,” you roll your eyes at both him and the smirk on his face. “I think your boyfriend needs some company anyway. Bye!” He meets your gaze, chuckling at the face you give him, which you know is one of exasperation. You wait until he’s down the hall before turning to face Jeongyeon.

“I guess you weren't joking in your text about something ‘life-changing and imperative’. What's going on?” She asks as she unlocks the door.

“Well, I haven't told you something because I just wanted to keep it to myself because I hoped it would go away soon, but Mingyu is stubborn, so it hasn't.”

“Which is exactly why you two are meant for one another.” You shoot Jeongyeon a look and snatch one of the bento boxes from her hands.

“Could you hang back on the sarcasm while I talk? And just let me get it all out first.”

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead. I'm all ears.”

You each sit on your respective beds facing each other, and you let the word vomit flow. You recount Wonwoo’s words about the family reunion to her and what he had told you about Mingyu’s past partners, and how much this all means to him. You also let out your feelings that you’ve been trying to keep to yourself - about your insecurities and worries about making a good impression and the guilt nagging at you every time you turn Mingyu down.

“This is just so important to him, and I can't even do this one thing! The thought of all of those people there judging me for my major or the way I look or the outfit I decide to wear, or literally anything about me! It's way too overwhelming, and every time I think about it, I go into panic mode, and I start to feel anxious and itchy. I’m terrified that they won’t like me, Jeongyeon.

“What if they try to tell Gyu to break up with me or something? What if we get there, and he sees me being weird and awkward, and I make a bad impression, and he decides that I’m not who he thought I was, and he wants to break up with me on his own? But then I’m so guilty about disappointing him and not going, and I feel like I lose whether I say no to him or whether I go and then fuck everything up. I just don't know what to do!” You let out a groan and flop backwards on the bed. Your forgotten dinner, now getting cold, jostles on the bed next to you.

The room is quiet for a few minutes before Jeongyeon speaks. “You love him.”

You sit up so quickly that your head starts to hurt. “What did you say?”

“I said you love him. That's why you feel so guilty and are so confused. I've known you since we were teenagers, Y/n. You are one of the most stubborn people I have ever met. When you don't want to do something, you simply don't, and you don't give it much of a second thought. Of course, you consider doing things you don’t want to for me and your other friends, but this is different!”

Jeongyeon hops off her bed to sit next to you, offering you a comforting back rub. “You feel the way you do because you love Mingyu, and you’re scared that his family won’t like you, which will break your heart, and you don’t want to lose him.”

You don’t respond to her, so she continues.

“If you want my opinion, I think you should go to the reunion. If you want to stay with Mingyu and keep this relationship going, you’ll have to meet his family eventually. You can’t hide from them forever if you stay together. Plus, I’m willing to bet he feels the same. Mingyu looks at you as if you are an actual ethereal being and like you’re the center of his world. I don’t think you have to worry about his reaction when and if you decide to tell him the truth about everything you’re feeling.”

Jeongyeon’s expression is soft as she looks at you, waiting for your response and giving you time to process everything.

Do you love Mingyu? Sure, you love spending time with him. He’s the most attentive, sweetest, kind-hearted partner you’ve ever had. He pays attention to every detail about you, whether your likes and dislikes or silly, arbitrary things. Every day with him feels like a dream, and you often wonder how the hell you got so lucky to end up with a boyfriend as amazing as Kim Mingyu.

Being with Mingyu is the happiest you’ve ever been, and the idea of loving him - of him being the first person you’ve ever been in true, genuine love with is uncharted waters for you. The mere idea of losing him leaves a gaping hole in your chest - the hypothetical of that situation alone makes your eyes water. Not hugging Mingyu? Not holding hands or sharing laughter with him? Not seeing his beautiful, perfect face in the morning as he snores just the tiniest bit? You and Mingyu haven’t been together for that long, but any world where you have a Mingyu-shaped piece missing from your life isn’t one you ever want to think about.

As if sensing you deep in thought, Jeongyeon gives you a final pat before leaving you alone. She grabs the rest of her dinner, letting you know she’ll be back later and mumbling something about “finally having a breakthrough and needing to take care of something.” You bid her farewell with a simple nod, reaching for your bento box to quiet your grumbling stomach. Eating in silence, you try to sort through the jumbled mess in your head, digesting the new thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing, all for the first stressful time.

You stay holed up in your dorm room the rest of the weekend, thankful now more than ever that you managed to get a schedule with only weekday classes.

Mingyu, being the caring boyfriend he is, knows something is wrong on Saturday morning right away. When you wake up, you have a few texts from him, asking to see you and take you out.

His desperation to check in with you and see you are obvious, even through written words, which makes it hard to turn him away.

[Y/n] I want to be alone this weekend, okay, Gyu? I’m not feeling very social.

[Gyu💖] Are you sure? Is everything okay?

[Y/n] Yeah, I just want alone time, okay? 🙂

[Gyu💖] 🥺

[Gyu💖] Okay, baby. Whatever you want ❤️

You can practically hear the pout in his text, and it feels shitty to turn him away, but you need more time. Since Friday night, when Jeongyeon had planted the seed in your brain, you decide it would be best to avoid Mingyu just to get your thoughts in order.

Jeongyeon passes along the message to the rest of your friends that you’re fine and just need some alone time. It’s the only thing that quiets your phone and stops your various group chats from continuing to go off. Everyone is kind enough to respect your wishes though, allowing you to spend the two days drowning in your thoughts and eating almost half of your and Jeongyeon’s instant ramen stash. It was probably dramatic to hide away all weekend, but it helped you wake up on Monday with a clearer head.

“I hope you plan on talking to Mingyu today,” Jeongyeon says as you get ready for your Monday morning lecture. “I saw him yesterday when I was eating lunch, and he looked like a lost, sad puppy without you there bossing him around. All he needed was a rainstorm and a choreography routine, and he would’ve looked straight out of an early 2000s break-up song music video.”

The image makes you laugh just a little before frowning and feeling bad for leaving him hanging all weekend.

“I am, I promise. I just needed to get my shit together.”

The two of you head out across campus to your shared lecture hall. Mingyu has class is in the building on the other side of campus, so you won’t have to see him for a couple of hours, giving you plenty of time to calm your nerves.

That idea is dismissed when you get inside and spot him by your classroom door. Mingyu’s long legs allow him to reach you in an instant, gently grabbing your arm and whisking you around the corner and into the stairwell. You can already tell he’s unhappy just by the look on his face.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Is the first thing out of his mouth.

“What?”

“I asked if you’re breaking up with me. I know you said you needed time alone, and Jeongyeon told us all the same thing, mentioning that you were just taking a couple of mental health days, but does that mean that you’re breaking up with me and were just taking time to think about doing it?”

“Mingyu, I-”

“Is it because I keep pressuring you to meet my family? You don't have to!”

“It's not that I just-”

“Am I too annoying? I swear I won’t bring it up again! And if there’s anything else that I do that’s too annoying or immature,  just tell me, and I'll change, I promise!"

“Mingyu, you don't understand. I just need to-”

“No, you don't understand! I really like you, okay, Y/n? I like you more than anyone I’ve ever dated. Just going two days without being around you killed me! That, on top of the fact that I couldn't even call you or see your face, made it so much worse! I just wanted to break down your door and come in and hold you in my arms even though you'd probably be yelling at me the whole time. I just hated the thought of you being unhappy, and I couldn’t do anything about it.” Mingyu looks almost near tears as he takes in a big breath.

“I don't care if you say that it's too soon, but I just need to say that I think I'm in love with you! You don't have to feel the same yet or say it back, I just needed to say it. Even if you think I'm foolish or that I don't know anything, and-”

“Kim Mingyu, I love you too!” You yank the front of his shirt and pull him closer.

“What did you just say?” Your forehead rests against his, his brown eyes wide as he gapes at you.

“I said that I love you too. That's what I was doing this weekend. I needed time to think about my feelings and figure out if I was in love with you, and I am. I felt bad about saying no to meeting your family, and I felt like such a terrible partner, and I couldn't figure out why, but I was able to think about it, and goddammit, I love you. I love you a lot, and it scares me because I don’t think I’ve ever truly been in love, but I know that I love you.”

You barely have the chance to catch your breath from your speech before Mingyu is leaning down and stealing the air left in your lungs. He presses you against the wall as your arms wind around his neck, and you sigh into the kiss, indulging in the familiar, comforting taste that is Kim Mingyu. He drags his tongue across your bottom lip, asking for entrance which you immediately grant him. The kiss easily deepens as your tongues intertwine, and his grip on your waist gets tighter. If you hadn't needed to breathe, you would've spent the rest of the day exactly the way you are.

Mingyu pulls away, allowing you to breathe, both of you panting, flushed, and smiling like idiots at each other.

“You love me,” Mingyu whispers.

“I love you.”

“Say it again,” you roll your eyes at the wonderful, wide grin he shoots you but repeat yourself, punctuating it with a quick kiss on the tiny mole on his nose.

“And I love you too.” Mingyu murmurs, nuzzling his nose against yours before capturing your lips once again. Your hands move to his hair, fingers grabbing at his soft strands.

“Ahem!” A sudden voice makes the two of you spring apart. When you glance to the doorway, you see Jeongyeon waiting, her face serious and her arms crossed. “Hey, so this is cute and all, don't get me wrong, but we have a lecture to get to like now, Y/n.”

Groaning, Mingyu peeks over his shoulder at Jeongyeon. “Fine, I'll let go.” When he turns back to you still in his arms, a different expression clouds his features. “But this evening, after your last class, I'm coming to your room, and you're all mine.” His words and the look in his eyes make your face heat up, already knowing what you have to look forward to tonight.

“O - okay,” you croak, clearing your throat. Mingyu gives you one more kiss before slipping past Jeongyeon and waving at you both down the hall.

“Ugh, please don't tell me you guys are going to have sex in our room. What about me?!”

You snap out of the trance your boyfriend left you in and side-eye your best friend. “What about you? Why don't you go do the same with Jimin while we're busy? I may have barricaded myself in our room, but I still have a way of knowing things. Like how Professor Ok caught you two making out and having quite the heavy petting session in the back of the cafeteria yesterday.” Jeongyeon’s jaw drops as her cheeks begin to turn bright red.

“How did you know that?!”

“I have my ways.” You smirk as she follows you into your lecture. Even though you were a recluse all weekend, you still checked your phone from time to time. A celebratory message from Seungkwan in your group chat with a few other nosey friends confirmed the news and everyone was relieved to finally have confirmation that Jeongyeon and Jimin had admitted their feelings for one another.

“All I know is, it's about damn time.” You practically skip to your seat, leaving Jeongyeon stuttering out an excuse behind you.

“I'm not moving this van until you all have your seat belts on.” Seungcheol eyes all of you in the rearview mirror and waits until he hears the click of seat belts to pull out of the campus parking lot.

After much debate, all of you decide to spend the week in a hotel near the closest beach to you. Winter has officially left, and spring is now in its place, with weather warm enough for shorts and tank tops. You had all chipped in to rent a fifteen-passenger van and are leaving campus at eight in the morning, thanks to Seokmin’s nagging about getting the best spot on the sand.

Once the van starts to move, Jeongyeon turns around to the row of seats behind her and lays her head on the back of the seat. You look up from your phone to meet her gaze, already knowing what she’s going to ask.

“So, how was the reunion? I didn't get a chance to ask you since you guys got back.” You and Mingyu had gotten back from his parent's house the night before when Jeongyeon was asleep, and with the excitement of getting ready to leave this morning, the two of you hadn’t gotten much time to talk about it.

“It was really fun, actually. His family was super nice and accepting. He threw a fit at one point because his little sister and one of his cousins were attached to my hip. His mom threatened to show me any and every embarrassing picture of him she had if he didn’t stop acting like a baby and that worked.” You let out a quiet snicker, glancing at Mingyu, asleep on your shoulder.

“She was seriously so sweet, though. And the only time I embarrassed myself was when we were going into the house to help her with some of the food, and she said something along the lines of ‘When you two get married,’ which made me trip, and Gyu had to catch me before I ate dirt.”

Jeongyeon stifles a laugh, covering it with a cough. “Well, hey, at least she likes you! You were worried over nothing.”

“Yeah, you’re right. But oh! I take it Jimin had other plans for break?”

She flushes, nodding. “Yeah, he already had a trip booked with his friends, so he couldn’t come. We have a date planned for when we both get back to school, though, so I’m excited about that.” A dopey smile plays on her lips, and you coo at the gesture.

“I’m so glad you two finally admitted that you like each other!”

“Me too!” Soonyoung pipes up from next to Jeongyeon. “Do you know how annoying it was to hear Jimin gush over you in dance class every week? I swear, every time we were partnered up, his first questions were always about how you were doing and if you were seeing anyone. I can only answer back ‘fine’ and ‘no’ so many times before I lose my mind!”

“Shut it, Soonyoung! I thought you were asleep!” He ignores Jeongyeon and turns in his seat to face you.

“I hope I don’t have to hear him talk even more about how great she is! I don’t think I can stand fifty minutes of him running how mouth about how much he likes her and all the dates they go on and how good she is in bed and -”

Jeongyeon sucks her teeth, snatching his tiger plushie from his hands and hitting him over the head with it a few times. “You know all about running your mouth, don’t you?! Stop talking about my relationship!”

“I’m sorry, stop it! Y/n, get her!”

“Sorry, I can’t hear you!” Popping your earbuds in, you gesture to your now occupied ears, dramatically shrugging at your friends.

Mingyu stirs next to you, and you can’t help but brush away a stray piece of hair from his face. The commotion barely phases him as he adjusts to wrap his arms around your waist and bury his face into your neck.

Aside from Jeongyeon threatening Soonyoung’s life, everyone else is either chatting quietly with each other or sleeping, the energy low from getting up so early, but you’re nowhere near tired, still feeling full of warmth and admiration for Mingyu’s family and how well they treated you. Instead of trying to sleep, you settle for laying your head on top of Mingyu's and simply enjoying the warmth of your boyfriend the man that you are wholeheartedly in love with.

[tracybirds]

Been sitting on this bit of fic for a couple of months :) Think I'm ready to put it out in the world

Hunger Games!AU - initially inspired by @tanushakyrano who I believe is knee deep in their own hg au <3 and also thanks to @gumnut-logic whom I inflicted this on when I first wrote it and played cheerleader :D

Hopefully more to come (I have ideas.....)

---

The clang of metal on metal pulled Gordon from his sleep, the grey light of a new day greeting him. For a moment, he didn’t move. If he stayed still, curled between Alan and Virgil, he could stave off the day and ignore the jolt of fear that clamoured for attention in his belly.

Another clanging pulled Scott upright, muttering as he rubbed a hand across his eyes. He reached out and placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder and shook him roughly.

“C’mon Virg, dawn bell’s ringing.”

Virgil groaned, mumbling for five more minutes, but the day had begun and no-one in the district cared if one of their citizens would rather have a lie in.

Scott glanced across at Gordon as he hauled Virgil upright. “Don’t you have chores waiting? Harvest doesn’t stop just because it’s Reaping Day. You and John better get gone.”

Gordon didn’t say anything, the sick feeling in his stomach intensifying at the word. John was up already, pulling on a threadbare shirt. He didn’t look at any of them.

Alan yawned. “What am I doing today?”

Scott crouched down, smile fixed firmly in place. “You’re going to help Grandma with the meals – try barter with the Jones-es down the way for some grain – and we’ll see you in the afternoon.”

“Can’t I help with harvest? Pol’s been helping since his birthday.”

Scott swallowed thickly. “No, Allie. Not ‘til your first reaping’s done, you remember what Dad said. We’ll talk next summer.”

Alan nodded. “Okay,” he said easily. “Next year then.”

He scurried away without further protest, and Scott slumped forward with a sigh.

“It’ll be over soon,” said John quietly.

No-one said anything, not wanting to speak their fears aloud and invite them into reality.

“I want to apply for extra,” said Gordon, suddenly. “It’s John’s last year, and we need the tesserae.”

 “No.”

All three older brothers spoke as one.

Gordon met their horrified gaze steadily, his jaw set and face grim.

“You know I’m right. We nearly didn’t make this year without Virgil’s share. If we lose John’s too and there’s no way to make up the shortfall, what do you think will happen come winter?”

“It’s not worth the risk,” spat Scott, his fists shaking.

Gordon snorted. “It’s no less than what you did for us, or Virgil, or John. I’m fifteen now. John’s put his name in, what, eighteen times this year?”

“Twenty-four,” corrected John. He shrank back from Scott and Virgil’s twin looks of horror.

“I knew it,” said Gordon triumphantly. “Every year since he was fourteen, I’m older than that.”

“This isn’t a game, Gordon,” snapped Virgil. “You don’t win for getting your name in the most times, you just get dead.”

“We need that tesserae,” argued Gordon. “Look, I get it, we’ve been that low before, I can do the math as well as you, but last time that happened we had Dad.”

At once, the light diminished, as though the mere mention of the man who’d towered over their family extinguished all oxygen from the room, taking the candle flame with it.

Scott looked like he wanted to hit something, fists clenching and unclenching at his side.

“We can manage,” said Virgil. “There’ll be three of us working for the adult wage next year, we won’t need the extras.”

“Yes, we will,” interjected John.

The admission fell from gritted teeth. Living was a numbers game in the districts, and no-one kept track of the numbers better than John. Gordon exhaled slowly, hope and dread flickering internally with equal measure.

“He’s right,” said John, his voice louder. “Maybe we’ll survive without it, but that’s no guarantee if the crops fail like they did in ’56. Or if a new craze sweeps the Capitol and they need more grain than usual to make whatever extravagant waste-of-space meal is the hot menu item of the season. There’s too many uncertainties, and we can’t base our food supply on a best-case scenario.”

Virgil chewed at his bottom lip, still staring at Scott worriedly. “We might need to trade for medicine or fuel come winter, too,” he admitted reluctantly. “It was only luck we didn’t lose Gordon right alongside Dad that year. And Coney, she says this winter’s going to be a hard one.”

“What does Coney know?” scoffed Scott. “You’d risk Gordon’s life on a maybe?”

“It’s my choice,” snapped Gordon. “Besides, I’d be six slips out of what, a thousand? We need those supplies and you know it.”

Scott opened his mouth to argue, but a second clanging toll rung out and interrupted him.

“That’s the assembly bell,” said Virgil, eyes darting between Scott and the door. “We need to go.”

Scott hesitated, lips pursed as he levelled Gordon with a solemn look in his eyes. “Your choice. You’re right, I can’t stop you. But please, Gordon, think it through. You don’t know what it’s like to watch your little brothers…” His breath heaved in his chest, and he turned away. “Let’s go,” he said to Virgil, leaving John and Gordon behind.

The tension remained, shooting sizzling static through the air as Gordon tried to catch his thoughts and reorder them.

“You’re going to do it, aren’t you?” said John quietly.

“Next year we’ll need more than seven allotments.”

There wasn’t much else to say. Unless they brought in a fourth wage next year, by manner of marriage which only meant another mouth to feed, they wouldn’t last the winter.

The wages in District 11 were just enough to keep the population meagrely fed when the weather was fair and the farming a success. But there was no margin for error. Consequently, the poorest members of the district were reliant on the reaping for extra resources.

Gordon wasn’t stupid.

The least valuable were always more likely to be selected.

It was simple math.

[betzabobababi]

Third Times the Charm

Hello Hello! This is by far one of my favorite things I have written! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Please don't hesitate to like, comment or reblog. It means so much to authors. It also gives them feedback. Anyways without further ado!

Tom Holland x Reader *Y/n Y/ln*

Warnings: Mentions of a fire. Calling 911. Weddings. Proposing

Summary: Tom tries repeatedly to pop the question.

Type: Fluff <3

AUTHORS POV

Tom had been trying to pop the question for months now. He asked for your father's blessing; he told his mum. He even asked Zendaya, your sister, and some of your other close friends for help on picking the ring, date, and place.

So when the day finally came for him to get down on one knee and ask for your hand in marriage, you had to postpone your date because your sister went into an early labor.

Tom reluctantly delayed the occasion and planned another date. This date was in a small family owned Vineyard somewhere in napa. The sun had started to set and just as you were about to turn around (Tom was already on his knee) you spotted that a part of the grape Vines had caught on fire. Hurriedly you called 911. At this point Tom had already gotten up and started to pack up your stuff so you could get out of there safely.

Exasperated by his multiple failed attempts to ask for your hand in marriage he decided that he would try one last time and if it didn't work he would wait a while longer. He thought "maybe the universe is purposefully trying to sabotage my plans because it's not time yet" 

So the third time he tried to pop the question, he set a date in which he made sure you both had no plans or meetings going on. He drove you to a park somewhere downtown and he had a picnic set up.

 He was very nervous, “What if she says no?” or “what if i mess up the speech?” “Third times the charm-Third times the charm-Third times the charm” he kept repeating to himself. If it didn't work out it was ok. But he just really wanted it to work out.  Around an hour into the picnic he mentally psyched himself up one more time and as nervous as he was finally decided to pop the question.

“Y/n Y/l/n *you got this tom!* you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I love you more than anything in this world. I can guarantee there’ll be tough times.*he gets down on one knee* I guarantee that at some point one or both of us are gonna want to get out of this. *reaches into pocket* But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine *takes out the ring* I'll regret it for the rest of my life because I know in my heart you are the only one for me. Be with me now and forever?” At the end of his speech Tom’s whole face was flushed a bright red. Breathing heavily he looked into your eyes, looking, searching for any sign of rejection. But when he looked at you all he could see were the tears that were threatening to spill. He could only see your wide smile.

And as if the world suddenly stops, he sees your mouth opening. “YES YES OH MY GOD YES A MILLION TIMES YES!” you said nearly shouting. You were screaming, but at a reasonable level for a person who just got asked for their hand in marriage. Tom let out a sigh of relief finally being able to breathe again. You lunged at Tom and wrapped your arms around his neck, trapping him in a tight hug. When you both finally let go you saw Tom’s family and yours emerging from the trees surrounding both of you. Harry had a camera in hand and was clicking away. Nicki and Dom were in tears. Your sister was carrying her newborn, looking at you with one of the biggest smiles you have ever seen on her face. Her husband followed close behind. And your father beside him. Paddy walked in between his parents. Sam walked next to Harry, carrying a tray of delicious looking desserts. As they reach you and Tom, one by one congratulate you and engulfed you in big hugs. After giving them their love they talked with you guys. Both you and Tom explained your hopes and wishes for the wedding.

“Hey Tom?” you said to him as you were walking back to the car. “Yes Love?” “How many times did you try to propose?” Tom chuckled at the question. Eyes shining with love. “Believe it or not, I only tried three times.” Tom responded. “You know what they say Tommy, Third Times the Charm.”

[aswegoalong72]

Hi! I’d like to keep you all updated on book progress, so I’m going to try to do weekly updates alongside miscellaneous information about the main location in the novel itself.

To start, I’m going to give a rundown of all the books, and where I sit with those:

Dawn - ~6% complete (696 words) Yuniv & Semat - 1% complete Deep Freeze - 1% complete To Touch Tenav - 1% complete Piercing The Veil - ~42% complete (118,307 words) “Book Two” - ~2% complete (483 words) “Book Three” - 1% complete Universal Ideal - 1% complete

As you can see, I’m still in the very early stages with all this! The only book that has a very appreciable amount of development is Piercing The Veil (PTV), which was originally going to be the first and only book before I decided to expand things more.

The only other books with any actual written material are Book Two and Dawn, which both are very minimally worked on apart from the beginnings of a chapter or two.

The rest are all unwritten; despite this, I’ve done a reasonable amount of worldbuilding for them, and am ready to get to them once I can get to them, hence the 1% progress.

As for progress, in this past week, I’ve made very little on PTV. I’ve done a little editing of the current chapter I’m working on, but that’s it.

Dawn has seen the most work this week, with two short stories being started and heavily workshopped! Dawn is pretty much ready for me to go once I get the time and energy, so maybe in a few weeks we’ll start seeing noticeable progress in it.

I’m only going to do roughly 10k words for each short story, which there’ll be about 8 of. It’ll cover the period from ~290,000 BC to 1112 AD in the Gregorian calendar for their history, featuring a few major events in their societal evolution.

The one I'm very excited about, and has seen the most development of the two I've started working on. As such, it'll probably be the first to be finished of them all! That about wraps it up for progress. I've been struggling a bit health wise this past week, and haven't really had the time or energy to do much work. I spent most of my energy already early in the month, it seems! To finish this entry off, I'd like to leave you with the song that gave me the title for this project.

"As We Go Along" by The Monkees (1968) - (direct link since yt sucks)

This song is very important to me, as I feel it perfectly encapsulates the entirety of my story's setting and feeling. Life isn't a competition, take things slowly, and love one another. I also really appreciate the "for I’m not gonna try/to hurt you/or heal you/or steal your star" line, as it really fits into the theme in the later books. That's all I'll say on the matter :) Until next week! <3

[aeghina]

Vampire AU

CW: mentions of blood, nudity and sex

Part 2!

“Is he your son?” Someone asks in the store line. Mask fortunately doesn’t pay attention, still looking at the chocolates near the cashier.

“Little brother actually.” They tried the son lie before, he looked too young to have a child even some centuries ago when women started having children at fourteen. Actually, some girls still have babies at fourteen these days. Some things never changed, but this should. 

“Oh I see. So you’re not taken.” he eyed the person again and let his senses focus. Woman, near thirties, no smoke smell, no easy to recognize disease, pretty common face after seeing so many hylians for the last thousand years living in the country. Ah, he had worse people before.

“No, single and ready to mingle.” He ignored the huff from Mask

“I’m taking a box of each.” Mask said and he waved him off, the other putting different chocolates inside the cart, but Warriors’ eyes still focused on the woman 

“I’m actually new in the neighborhood.” She says, slightly embarrassed. Blood rushed to her cheeks and wasn’t that a lovely vision? His mouth watered.

“You should come for the potluck this saturday, everyone is welcome.” He nodded with an easy smile, they walked a bit closer to the cashier when the line moved “Maybe stay for dinner.” 

“I’d love to.”

“Great!” He swallowed, thickly and had to control his senses to not be overwhelmed. Too many people here, no need to start another carnage, the last one took months to clean and years in another country until they were ok to come back. 

“You should put in the salad dressing.” Mask counted the bags and checked the needles before locking them inside the chest again. Warriors hummed, crumpling the herbs and poured it in the gravy pan. “Not everyone eats meat these days.”

“Not everyone likes salad too.”

The only good point of living forever is learning to do a lot of things. Their group of horrible cooks could now make a decent feast and nowadays people were so happy to participate in a neighborhood potluck, it was easy to mix some herbs that would improve the blood flow and say it is a family recipe, it was even easier to have a group only large enough that everyone could sit down in the couch after lunch and lounge and plan for the next one. The market lady came and he introduced her to the others, she’d need good connections just arriving in a city and he was more than happy to provide. 

Someone had to miss her to tell the news to the family in case things get out of control.

“Did you get your toys Junior?” He asked and the glare Mask sent made him snicker when the other vampire brought his bag.

“Whore.” He mumbled in old hylian, a dead language that they could use to talk in secret even in private

“Grouchy bastard.” He replied without batting an eye, the insults were too common by now to really offend. He knew Mask was a bit jealous, it was hard to be taken seriously as a kid. “Thanks for watching over him tonight.” Warriors says to the couple, waiting with their own child

“Not a problem, Link.” the friendly neighbor smiled, running a hand over their stomach “But man, that lamb was good. Send me the recipe later.”

“Absolutely.” he nodded and waved them off. 

“Save some food for me!” Mask complained 

“Don’t worry, there’ll be enough.” Hopefully. He probably should fill a blood bag instead of biting.

Ah, who was he trying to fool? With a warm body under him, heart racing and blood flowing full of adrenaline and dopamine after sex, his fangs were out and piercing skin.

“Wars!” He groaned and let go of the woman, licking his lips to save every possible drop 

“What?” He licked her neck, closing the wound. It had the double effect of medium anesthesic, so he sucked on the skin, leaving a red mark that wouldn’t be too questioned other than the expected after a wild night.

“Problem. Big problem.”

“Someone better be dying.” 

“They are.”

“Gods kill me.” He grunted, raising his head to see the other by the side of the bed, the woman passed out under him, still so warm and delicious. Mask was looking at her too, eyes large and mouth hanging and he could see the fangs poking out of his lips “Nah-ah, she’s mine. You had a whole family to eat from.” Mask shook his head 

“It’s her.” Mask showed his phone “Four just sent me.” A picture of a young teen, hiking a hill and giving a thumbs up.

“Where?” Mask raised his arms, as frustrated as he was. “Damn it all, have you called Sky?”

“Not picking up.” Mask looked to the woman again, not with hunger but concern “Are you going to leave her here?'' The woman slept without a worry in her mind. They couldn’t disappear without an explanation. This would work maybe fifty years ago, but these days? Not a fat chance. He sat down on the mattress

“You also can’t disappear from the Wolton’s house.” He sighed and covered her with the blankets “Call me at six, I won’t pick up for two first tries then I’ll take the third one.”

“Korean?”

“German, I think I’ve told someone about us having family in Munich.” Mask nodded and went to his room while Warriors went for the closet where he kept the luggages, not caring about dressing.

Clothes were never really a worry for them. An immortal life meant their savings doubled every fifty years, without counting investments (or heists when they were particularly bored). But they carried magic items, books with curses and spells that while harmless in human hands, could be one hell of a headache with someone from the other realms. Mask was already filling his luggage with small boxes, he knew each carried a different mask that could shapeshift him or drive a man to madness. A nasty thing he enjoyed collecting over years. Warriors debated over taking the fire rod. The house would still be theirs but who knew how long until they came back? Better take it too. 

“Got any space left in your magical bag?” Mask put his hand inside until almost the shoulder with a frown but nodded, he threw the rod at him and it was safely kept.

“I think I can only fit one bottle here.”

“Put the dragon blood. Wild would kill us if it’s wasted.”

He walked around the rest of the house, checking. No noteworthy work of art here, he got a couple more magical tools that were in the office. Alright, everything looked harmless enough for humans until they could come back or ask someone to come. Mask was carrying now two large bottles of silver liquid, comically big in his little arms.

“Oh shit.” Warriors dragged a hand on his face “Why is this here?” Mask shrugged, the bottles clinking with the motion “I swear, it’s a miracle we never stopped carrying those things.” He carefully put the bottles near the curses book, involving both with fabric stitched in fae glamor. For human eyes, hopefully, they’d look like shampoo or something harmless. A soft sound coming from Mask made them glance at each other before Mask got his phone.

“Wind found him.” Mask frowned to his phone “Hyrule.”

“Of fucking course.” If anything, Hylia was predictable. He closed the first luggage. “Central? The woods?”

“Ordon.” Warriors almost broke the zipper.

“Ordon?” he hissed back.

“He lives in a bigger city north, but hometown is Ordon. That’s basically our backyard.” Mask nodded while he put the luggage against the office table. He crouched near the drawer pulling documents they would need to travel and stuffing them in the outside pocket of the luggage for easier access.

“How is she coming any close to it with a holy spring right there?” the smaller vampire shrugged and Warriors sighed, putting his head against the luggage “Please tell me he’s a priest or something.”

“I think he’s a student.” Mask hummed “Wind is looking for a better picture. There’s him and another guy. Dividing?”

“Dividing.” Warriors pulled his hair backwards, looking up to the ceiling. They barely started in this city. 

The acting on the next day was easier than the last preparations from the night before. He pretended to be asleep and the woman stirred when his phone ringed loudly one, two and finally before it became a third missed call he picked it up. He apologized, saying it was a family problem and he had to pick up his little brother immediately and she was understanding enough (gods dammit it all, he could have fed more, she wasn’t even dizzy!). 

They were out of the city and inside a plane in less than two hours. 

[crystalninjaphoenix]

To Be a Hero

A JSE Fanfic

SepticHeroes AU: Part 12

Big news in this part :D Also a lot of setup for future events. Also a lot of dialogue. I’m gonna keep this author’s note short and spoiler-free. Jackie has a talk with Leapfrog, who delivers said big news ;) Then later, he and Chase hang out with Schneep and have an interesting conversation. And while that’s happening, JJ gets a familiar visit at his shop. Happy reading!

===============

It was only a matter of time before the peace in the city was broken with another big crime. Jackie just considered himself lucky that it had been one he could take care of while his leg was still healing.

He’d woken up that morning ready to go to work, only to hear on the police radio that there was a bank robbery downtown with super activity. Once he’d heard that, he’d jumped right out the window without even bothering to shower or tell Chase he was leaving, only pausing in his flight to call his day job and tell them he was calling in sick. Once he’d done all that, it only took about thirty minutes to deal with everything.

Now he was standing outside the First Bank of Daindover, watching as the police were pushing the villain known as Titanium into a squad car. “Mark this day, Windstorm!” Titanium shouted. “You’ll rue it!”

“I’ll rue it like I rue’d all the other days you got arrested!” Jackie shouted back. “Maybe next time, you should try robbing somewhere more creative!” Seriously, this bank was robbed by super villains at least once a month. He couldn’t believe they hadn’t upgraded their security.

Titanium shouted some very generic villain insults at Jackie, which got cut off when the car door slammed shut with her inside. “Good work, kid,” a voice said.

Jackie turned around. “Hey, Ace. Thanks. She’s no problem, really. But this is the third time. How does she keep getting out?”

Ace shrugged. “Hard to keep someone who’s invulnerable inside a normal jail. First time she escaped she just ran right through the concrete wall. I hear they’re going to put her in Byrthon Vault for security. I don’t envy her.”

“Finally graduated to the big-boy prison,” Jackie muttered. He was trying to make a joke, but it just sounded grim when he said it out loud.

“Hey, how’re you doing on this case you’re working on?” Ace asked. “Were those files I lent you any help?”

“Some, yeah. Thanks. Oh! I ran into the villain behind all the string nonsense. The Puppeteer.”

Ace raised an eyebrow. “Fitting. Anything the department can use? Identifying traits, powers to look out for?”

“Nothing identifying, no.” Jackie shook his head. He recalled his and Spitfire’s run-in with the Puppeteer last week. That costume had covered everything, and the synthetic voice hadn’t been any help. “But, uh, weird thing. His powers aren’t actually mind control.” He paused for Ace’s reaction, but the detective just gestured for him to continue. “While I was there, he controlled a bunch of these crash test dummies to attack. It was crazy. There were so many of them.”

“Huh.” Ace thought about it. “So, the Puppeteer can control anything that’s human-shaped, then?”

“Yeah. Yeah!” Jackie nodded. “That’s exactly it! I hadn’t put it together. I guess I was too hung up on the type classification. Though... it really shouldn’t be possible for him to control both living and non-living things.”

“Look, kid. The Super Types are useful, but they’re used for people, and people can’t be sorted into boxes so easily. There’ll be exceptions and overlaps with any labels.”

“True,” said another voice. “But sometimes we need shortcuts.”

Jackie spun around in the other direction. “Leapfrog!” he gasped.

Leapfrog smiled at him. He hadn’t seen her in person since she first recruited him, but she looked exactly like he remembered. Same waist-length blond hair. Same yellow suit, green tie, and green mask. Same copper shield-shaped badge, this time pinned on her lapel instead of in her pocket. “Sorry for eavesdropping,” she said. “Couldn’t help it. How have you been, Windstorm?”

“I’ve been good.” His leg, while still slightly injured, had healed to the point where he could stand on it for long periods instead of hovering all the time. “Uh, nothing new since I talked to you on the phone last week.”

“I heard you filling this man in on those events.” Leapfrog nodded at Ace. “Hello. You’re part of the police’s villain division, I assume?”

Ace nodded, and held out his hand. “Detective Alan Ainsworth. Call me Ace, everyone does.”

“Jenna Croakes. Call me Leapfrog, it’s my secret identity.” Leapfrog shook Ace’s hand. “Do you mind if I talk to Windstorm for a bit?”

“Not at all. I need to wrap things up over here, anyway.” Ace jerked his head back towards the various police officers still milling around the bank. “Good luck, kid.” And he turned to go.

Jackie watched him for a moment, then looked at Leapfrog. “Alright, what, uh...what’s up?”

“Let’s talk somewhere a bit more private.” Leapfrog glanced around, then pointed up at a nearby three-story building. “Meet me on the roof.”

“Meet you—? Uh, okay.” Jackie nodded. He backed up a bit, gave a little jump, and flew upwards. The wind carried him over to the building, where he carefully landed. He turned around, looking for a roof entrance that Leapfrog could possibly use, only to see her landing right behind him, legs bending as if catching herself after a fall. “Whatdafuck?!”

“Not a flier, if you’re wondering.” Leapfrog adjusted her suit jacket. “I jumped.”

“Jumped?! Oh.” Jackie hit his forehead. “Leapfrog. Jump. Duh.”

“It’s not all that useful for fighting crime,” Leapfrog said. “Which is why I’m a recruitment liaison and not a Hero. Anyway. How is the search coming? I know you reported your Puppeteer encounter last week, anything new since then? With him or the Specter?”

Jackie shook his head. “Sorry. But I’m keeping an eye out for any potential targets for either of them.”

Leapfrog gestured off the roof towards the ground. “Was that villain down there involved?”

“Titanium? No. I checked her wrists for strings, nothing there. She just wanted to rob a bank, I guess.” Jackie paused. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be, these investigations take time,” Leapfrog reassured him. “I just wanted to check. Now, as to why I’m here. I was going to stop by your flat, but I heard the police call and figured you’d rush to the bank. I have an update for you.”

“Alright.” Jackie nodded. “Thanks for not going to the apartment, my roommate would have lots of questions. What’s, uh...what’s up?” Didn’t he just say that earlier? God, the nerves jumping around his stomach were messing with his words.

“It’s about the neutrinalin,” Leapfrog said.

Jackie’s attention sharpened even further. “Yeah?”

“It turns out, they refuse to give it to anyone who’s not an official Hero, or who doesn’t work in one of the super prisons,” Leapfrog said.

“Oh.” Jackie slumped.

“So, I have a question for you.” Leapfrog paused. “Do you have any plans on Halloween?”

“Huh? Uh, not as of right now.”

“Good. Because the League scheduled your official welcoming ceremony for that day, and it would be really hard to change that.”

“...wait.” Jackie blinked. The nerves in his stomach began leaping around in anticipation. “You mean...the ceremony that would make me...an official Hero?”

“Well, technically, the ceremony is just a formality. What really matters is this.” She reached into her pocket and took out a silver shield-shaped badge with a stylized LoH on it. And as she handed it out to him, she smiled. “Congratulations, Windstorm. You’ve passed the probation period.”

Jackie stared down at the badge in her hand. He could see the word ‘HERO’ on it, along with his super name, ‘Windstorm.’ Slowly, he took it, half-afraid the badge would break at any moment. He stared at it, running a finger along the engravings, then after what was probably too long a moment, he looked back up at Leapfrog. “You’re... serious?”

“Very serious,” Leapfrog confirmed, chuckling a little bit.

He looked back down at the badge. “ I-I’ve only been doing this for about three months.”

“And you’ve been exceptional.”

Jackie laughed. “I haven’t even done that much...”

“Well, you’ve done enough. Honestly, I’ve been recruiting Heroes for ten years now, and you’re among the brightest. You remind me of a Hero I recruited in my early days, name of Light Phoenix. Both so enthusiastic, so dedicated. Both making Hero status in record time.” Leapfrog grinned. “You deserve it, Jackie.”

He lifted his head. And in that moment, he realized that he’d been slowly lifting into the air, as Leapfrog was a lot shorter than she was a few seconds ago. He lowered himself back down. “I...” He started, then stopped, and shook his head with a smile on his face. “I don’t know what to say. This... this is my dream. I-I can’t believe it.”

“Believe it,” Leapfrog said. “The League doesn’t want the press to know about it until the 17th, but everything on our end has been completed.”

“Can I...can I wear the badge?” Jackie asked tentatively.

Leapfrog nodded. “Whenever you want. I do suggest wearing it out while patrolling and stopping crime. Preferably over your heart, either outside your suit or inside. The metal is a lot more bulletproof than the suit fabric, and we’ve had cases of badges saving Heroes’ lives. Oh, and you will have to wear it to League gatherings and stuff.”

“Right. I can...I can go to League gatherings now.” He was half tempted to slap himself, to see if he would wake up. This was so surreal, and yet it was real. The badge was in his hand. It was heavier than he expected, a solid weight in his hand.

He was surprised that becoming a Hero was so...easy. Not that fighting crime and saving people was easy. But the entire process, from him putting in his application to this moment right now, had taken a little less than four months. It was a little strange, but he wasn’t about to question it. After all, he had been doing hero work for two years now. The League probably just saw his track record and decided he had enough experience.

“There are some you’ll have to go to,” Leapfrog said. “Mostly boring things. Part of being a Hero involves communicating with government officials and police and stuff. A lot of meetings. Occasionally a fun ball or something. I’ve seen people get asked to do commercials for products, that sort of stuff is up to you.”

Jackie laughed. “I’ve always wondered how people got Heroes for stuff like that! Wow. Wow.” He turned the badge over, examining the pin. It was designed vaguely like a button’s, but a lot more solid and secure. It would probably puncture a noticeable hole in his super suit, regardless of how tough the material was supposed to be. He started to put it on, then thought better of it and slipped it into his pocket. “Thank you. Thank you so much, I...” He laughed breathlessly. “This is incredible.”

“Well, super Heroes do the incredible every day.” Leapfrog gave him a little salute. “Call me if you need anything. I’ll probably be calling and texting you a lot, since your Red Line now has permission to access more League databases and such. You need to install some things and do some training.”

“Got it.” Jackie nodded. “So, uh...” Another smile crept over his face, this one a bit more impish than the others. “Am I the best recruit you’ve ever recruited?”

Leapfrog blinked, then laughed. “You’re up there. Definitely the best in this city.”

“I’m the only Hero that’s ever been in this city.” Jackie paused. “Oh. Right. I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while. I noticed Timekeeper wasn’t in the League database of Heroes. Did you guys never recruit him?”

Leapfrog shook her head. “No. Once the higher-ups heard about him, they certainly wanted him to join. But he never applied. We were discussing me going over to ask him to join in person, but he disappeared after that battle with Earth Shaker two and a half years ago.” She sighed. “Always wonder what happened to him. If he’s still out there somewhere.”

“Yeah.” Jackie stood there for a moment, wondering the same thing. Then he raised into a hover. “Well. I’ll see you, then.”

“See you, Windstorm. Good luck.”

He smiled, and flew off, heading no direction in particular.

A Hero.

An official Hero.

Today was the best fucking day of his life.

===============

There was a knock on his bedroom door. Jackie, slouching in his desk chair, quickly sat up straight and closed the notebook he was looking at: the one with all the information about the Specter and the Puppeteer. His eyes darted around the room, making sure nothing super was out in plain view. Suit was in the wardrobe and badge was in the desk drawer... and there was nothing else. Good. “Yeah, come in,” he called.

Chase pulled open the door, glancing around. Frosty stuck his head into the new gap, also looking around. “How do you keep this place so clean?” he muttered.

“Clean? I’m clean? Please tell my mom that, she’s complained about my messiness since I was old enough to do chores.”

Chase laughed. “I’m just saying. At least you have your dirty clothes in a basket. Anyway. Uhhh...” He paused, momentarily forgetting what he was going to say. Quickly, he checked his phone. “Oh yeah! Have you been to Schneep’s place yet?”

Jackie blinked. “No. Why?”

“Well I was thinking about going over and hanging out. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him. Do you want to come?”

“Now?”

“Well, whenever you want.”

“Umm... sure.” Jackie spun his chair around to fully face Chase. “We could go over for dinner or something. It would prevent us from ordering pizza again.”

“I swear, we don’t do that as often as you think we do,” Chase insisted.

“Heh.” Jackie grinned. “What’s Schneep’s place like?”

“Nicer than this,” Chase says. “But not, like, for rich people. Just above average. You’ll see. Oh! Wait, yeah, I should tell you. His apartment building isn’t near a train station. Are you gonna be okay with walking, or should we get a cab or Uber or something?”

“I’ll be fine, thanks. You?”

“Yeah, I know I’m fine. Walked there a lot.” Chase glanced down back at his phone, switching from the notes to the messages. “I’ll tell him we’re coming over around...six? Is that good?”

“Maybe six-thirty,” Jackie suggested.

“Good idea. We’ll need more time for the walk.” Chase typed something out, sending a text. About thirty seconds later, he got a reply. “Great. He says he’ll make food.”

“Great.” Jackie gave a thumbs-up. “I’ll remember. Anything else you need?”

“Thanks for editing my video again,” Chase said. He gave a little laugh. “I don’t know how you had time to do that, since you seem to be working or at the gym all the time.”

“I’m good at multitasking,” Jackie said. “Also, it’s no problem. It’s fun.” He liked seeing Chase’s process for video-making. It was like they were hanging out together, filming something.

Chase raised an eyebrow. “You and I have very different definitions of fun. But alright. We’ll have to catch the green train at around 5:45 to get to Schneep’s place.” He chuckled when he saw Jackie’s surprise. “Yeah, it’s pretty far out on the edge of town. Gotta be an inconvenient commute to the hospital.”

“Got it.” Jackie nodded. “I’ll set an alarm.”

“I will too.” And with that, Chase closed the bedroom door—slowly, so Frosty had time to get his face out of the way.

Jackie picked up his phone and started setting the alarm as promised. He was planning on more patrolling tonight, but it had been slow for crime. Nothing the police couldn’t handle. And Spitfire Cat didn’t have any new leads to follow up on. So time for a free night.

===============

Chase wasn’t kidding when he said Schneep lived on the edge of town. They caught the train at 5:45 like planned, and still barely reached the building by the time 6:30 rolled around. This area was practically a different city. Or, it would be, if Daindover wasn’t a massive urban and suburban area.

These apartment buildings were new. They’d only been built about three or four years ago, which was a hell of a lot newer than the rest of the city. Each building was only three floors high, their outsides painted vivid colors: red, yellow, green, blue. Jackie wondered if it was weird to be surprised that Schneep lived in a place like this. But he did live there. In Building A, Flat 2D, to be specific. Chase and Jackie took the elevator up to the second floor, where Chase knocked on the appropriate door.

“Just one moment!” Schneep’s voice called from inside. Some dishes clinked, and then the door opened, revealing Schneep in a dark blue sweater. “Ah, you two are on time,” he said. “Thank you for not inviting yourselves to dinner and then being late. To the dinner you invited yourselves to.”

“You didn’t have to let us come by, bro,” Chase said. “Don’t be salty.”

“I am not salty, I am the sweetest person I know,” Schneep said, face deadpan.

Jackie couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“Well, come in.” Schneep stood to the side. “Ah, Chase, I actually bought a bed for Frosty, since you kept coming over.”

“Aw, really? That is sweet. I’m touched.” Chase put his hand over his heart. “But, well, Frosty’s working right now.”

“I know, I thought just in case.”

The two of them walked into the apartment, and Jackie looked around. Chase wasn’t kidding. It was nicer than their place. The front door opened into a combination living room and dining room, with an archway on the left leading to a full kitchen that smelled of something cooking. To the right were two doors, one of which was ajar to show a bedroom. Right by the front door, to the left, was another closed door. A curtained window overlooked the street below. The whole thing was probably as big as Jackie and Chase’s apartment, but with one less bedroom, resulting in a lot more space. “You have a lovely place,” Jackie said.

Chase laughed. “Wow, so formal all of a sudden.”

“Well it is!” Jackie said defensively.

Schneep smiled. “Thank you.”

Jackie glanced around. “Um, sorry to ask this, but...I need to use your bathroom.” He reached for the door to the left.

“Do not go there, then!” Schneep braced his arm over the doorway just as Jackie grabbed the doorknob.

“Whoa, okay, sorry!” Jackie backed up. “Why? What’s in there?”

“My closet,” Schneep said. “And nothing. Sorry for being loud.”

Chase chuckled. “The doc is hiding his secret identity from us. He’s been Windstorm this whole time!”

Schneep rolled his eyes. “I am not.”

“Well has anyone ever seen you and him in the same place?” Jackie asked, a smile twitching at his mouth.

“Yeah, you seem to be the right height and build, too.” Chase squinted his eyes, stroking his beard. “Hmmm...”

Schneep reached over and gently shoved him.

“Whoa, be careful!” Chase laughed. “Alright, bit over.”

“Let’s just go in and eat dinner,” Schneep said. “I went to the trouble of making it when you two invited yourselves over. We should not let it go to waste.”

A couple minutes later, the three of them were sitting at the dinner table with plates of food. “You didn’t have to make something so fancy,” Jackie said.

“I worry about your diet if chicken and mashed potatoes are fancy to you,” Schneep said.

“Well you have like...broccoli and shit, too. Green stuff.” Jackie glanced at Chase. “The only time we eat anything green is when Chase asks for pepper on the pizza.”

“That’s twice you’ve mentioned pizza today, I think you have the problem, not me.” Chase cut off a piece of the chicken and held it out to Frosty, sitting on the floor beside him. Frosty sniffed it, seemed to hesitate, then licked it up. “Attaboy.” Chase smiled. “I know I’m not supposed to do that, but you deserve a treat sometimes.” He returned his attention to the others. “Okay, but seriously. You ever notice how all of us kinda have the same look as Windstorm?”

“Uhhh no,” Jackie said carefully. “Why? Do you have something to tell us, Chase?”

Chase laughed. “Bro, I couldn’t be a superhero. Especially him. Have you seen the acrobatics he pulls off in the air? I can’t even stand up. Nah, if he would be any of us, I bet it would be Schneep.”

“Ah, you choose the better of two options, I see,” Schneep said.

“Wha—” Jackie couldn’t help but be a little offended. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I am sure Windstorm would not make the mistake of wearing a binder during heavy exercise like he does.” Schneep’s bright blue eyes seemed to bore into Jackie.

“I stopped doing that,” Jackie muttered, shoving a spoon of potatoes in his mouth to avoid continuing this conversation.

“In any case, I am no hero,” Schneep said. “So it is both bad options.”

“Of course you’re a hero, doc,” Chase said sincerely. “You save people, and that’s all a hero does, right? You know, the other day, someone at work thought I was you. She realized I wasn’t the moment I said anything, of course, but I told her I knew you. Her name was, uhh...” He checked the notes on his phone. “Kira Heath. She said you helped cover the fees for her and her kid.”

“Heath? Yes, I remember.” Schneep nodded gravely, and looked down towards the table. “They were both too close to that fight between Windstorm and Hyper Charge in December last year.”

“But they’re okay now, right?!” Jackie blurted out.

Schneep looked up at him. “Yes, they are fine. I made sure. The child, Ben, he almost lost an eye from one of Hyper Charge’s blasts. But he did not.”

Jackie slumped. He remembered that. Hyper Charge was one crazy villain, never caring about how many people were around, only how impressive the explosions looked when he blew things up. There were so many people around that day. Jackie hadn’t been able to check on them all. He let the sense of relief fade away. What was left was a strange, niggling feeling about something Chase said. “What do you mean, ‘cover the fees’?”

“You know,” Chase said. “The fees.”

“No, I don’t.” Jackie slowly shook his head.

Schneep’s grip on his fork tightened. “Every hospital is required, by the Super Laws, to have a SDER Department, to respond to super-related emergencies, and treat power-created injuries. You would think that would mean going there is covered by the government, as healthcare is supposed to be in this country. And, on paper, yes. However, in reality, that is not the case.” He sat up straight. “You see, the League supplies hospitals with the special medicine and equipment sometimes needed to treat super injuries. But not for free. The hospital must pay for it. Even for use of the database. They must pay the League for it all. The government does not give hospitals the money for this, so many of them have fees. When you go in for a super-related injury, you will get a high bill.” Schneep looked at Jackie. “I did not charge you for that time you got hit by Spitfire Cat’s beam. But only because you did not make it an official appointment. If you had, I would be required to do so. Though I would not, anyway.”

“...oh.” Jackie had no idea what to say for this. “I...didn’t know there was special medicine and equipment for super stuff.”

“Oh, very much so.” Schneep nodded. “Super powers are so diverse, sometimes they require specialized solutions. These are created by the League. I am not sure how, but they are. So they can only be...acquired from the League.”

“Well... I guess that makes sense,” Jackie said. “It probably costs a lot to make stuff like that, so the League has to sell it for a lot.” He looked at Chase. “Wait, did you have to pay fees after your whole thing?”

“Uhhh...I don’t remember,” Chase said.

“You did,” Schneep confirmed.

“But he had amnesia!” Jackie protested.

“He still had his ID. And because of that, they were able to link him to an identity, and a bank account.” Schneep reached over and patted Chase’s hand. “Don’t worry, my friend. I helped cover it.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Chase looked baffled, but grateful anyway. He then shook his head. “Well, this has all been very serious. I just wanted to know if you were Windstorm, Schneep.”

Schneep laughed. “No, no. I could never handle being at the center of action. I never could. Not even when I was a child. Could you be a superhero, Chase? If you had the powers?”

Chase shrugged. “I dunno. I’ve never really thought about it. Jackie?”

“Uh...” Jackie cleared his throat. “I think it’d be cool. I’d like to help people.”

“I see,” Schneep said, eyes locked on Jackie’s face.

Again, Jackie had that suspicion. But Schneep couldn’t possibly know. How would he have figured it out? But he couldn’t shake the feeling that Schneep suspected something. Whether or not that something was right, he had no idea.

Eventually, slowly, the previous conversation was forgotten and they moved on to different topics, as people did when they talked. Stuff like work, and books, and video games. After dinner was finished, Jackie took his plate, cup, and utensils back into the kitchen.

“You don’t need to do that, Jackie,” Schneep called after him.

“No, it’s fine,” Jackie called back. “Is just by the sink fine?”

“Alright. While you’re in there, you can help yourself to anything in the fridge, if you are still full.”

Jackie wasn’t, but he checked the fridge anyway. Nothing seemed appealing, but something did catch his eye. He went back to the living room/dining room with it in his hands. “Hey, nice bottle,” he said, holding it up. “Planning for after-dinner drinks? I thought you said this wasn’t fancy.”

“That was a gift,” Schneep said. He was standing now, piling his own utensils onto his plate.

“Whoa, hey.” Chase grinned. “I wouldn’t mind—”

“Stop.” Schneep pointed at him, almost poking him in the chest. “Do not.”

“I wasn’t—”

“You know the problem. Do not.”

“Uh, I don’t know the problem,” Jackie said.

Chase sighed. “It’s nothing, Schneep is just a—”

“Chase cannot have alcohol,” Schneep interrupted, causing Chase to shoot him a dirty look.

“Oh shit, really?” Jackie asked, concerned. “Why? Is it a medical thing?”

“It’s because of my balance problems,” Chase said reluctantly. “You know how they call being buzzed ‘tipsy’? Well, Schneep is concerned that if I get tipsy, I’ll tip over.”

“Chase, as your doctor, I know you will.” Schneep folded his arms.

“Ah.” Jackie slowly backed into the kitchen, putting the wine bottle onto the counter before walking back out. “Soo...if I was to tell you that he’s bought whiskey before—”

“You fucking snitch!” Chase hissed.

“Chase!” Schneep gasped. “You dumb motherfucker!”

Chase put his head on the dining room table. “This is your fault, Jackie,” he said, voice muffled.

“No, it is your fault! It is entirely your fault! I know we are friends, but I started as your doctor! Friendship now gives no excuse to ignore medical orders in the past!” Schneep scolded.

“I don’t even drink that much of it,” Chase protested weakly. “Like...once a month. And not even that much in that one time. Like, one shot glass. I’m not getting drunk. There’s just... something about the taste that’s familiar.”

“That is no excuse!” Schneep leaned over Chase. “You should at the very least be telling me!”

Jackie went and sat down on the sofa. “I can’t believe these are the people I look like,” he muttered.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chase asked, turning his head to look at Jackie.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“Oh!” Schneep snapped his fingers. “Jackie. That reminds me. Do you know anyone else who looks like you? Besides us two and Jameson, I mean.”

“Uh...no.” Actually, the answer was ‘yes,’ but Jackie knew that if he said that, the other two would ask follow-up questions. And he wasn’t about to tell them that he immediately thought of Spitfire Cat.

“Ah,” Schneep said. “Strange. I think Jamie and I found our fifth clone last week, then.”

“Really?” Chase asked, interested.

“Yes, he came into Jameson’s shop,” Schneep explained. “Said he was lost, despite living in the city for a long time. I thought he was Jackie, at first. But he was not. I don’t remember his name, it started with...an N, I think.”

“...huh.” Jackie wondered what that was all about. It could be just another strange man who shared a resemblance with the others of the group. Or maybe... “What was he wearing?”

Schneep shrugged. “A jacket. Jeans. Sort of dark colors. I remember he had on gloves, even though it was fairly warm that day.”

“Huh,” Jackie repeated. “Weird.”

Gloves...

Spitfire had good reason to wear gloves even as his secret identity...

No, it couldn’t be. Could it?

===============

JJ usually liked to do repairs during business hours. It gave him something to do during the long stretches of time where nothing was happening in the shop. Which there were a lot of. Business was steady, but it was always slow. Right now, the only customer was a neighbor, an older woman named Madeline. She came in every Friday to look at things, and occasionally buy them.

So JJ had enough time to sew up some broken seams in some cloth dolls and fix the joints on some wooden marionettes. Then, since it still wasn’t busy, he went upstairs to take care of some business, and then came back down. He assumed that nothing would change. And nothing much did. Except that now Madeline was talking with a familiar-looking man. He kept glancing towards the shop’s front door, like he wanted to leave this conversation and was regretting coming inside at all.

Well, the two of them were right by the display where he had to put the repaired dolls, anyway. He picked them up and headed on over, listening in on what Madeline was saying. “—the city had Moonstone as its hero at the time, before she joined the League and got promoted to National Threat Team. But she couldn’t be in multiple places at once! And that night, the police were just swamped. I called as soon as I heard the scream, and it still took them ten minutes to get over there! I timed it! Well, not literally, but you get the point.”

Ah. JJ knew what she was talking about. He stopped walking when he was right next to the pair and coughed.

Madeline and the man turned to look at him. “Oh speak of the devil!” Madeline said cheerfully. The man’s expression was a mix of alarm and embarrassment. “How have you been, Jameson?”

His hands were full, so he couldn’t reply, but he smiled and nodded. Then started putting the cloth dolls on the nearest shelf.

“It’s lovely to see you, as always,” Madeline said. “Well, I’d better get going. I’ll see you next week.”

JJ nodded at her again, and she waved as she turned around to leave, causing the bell by the door to chime. The man looked over at him, frozen into inaction. Most likely by the potential awkwardness of the situation. Jameson gave him a small smile, then said, That was Madeline. She owns the cafe next door. Sorry if she was bothering you.

“You’re sorry? It’s not on you,” the man said, confused. 

What was she talking about? Jameson asked, despite knowing full well what the answer would be.

“Um...I think she was talking about your tragic backstory.” The man’s eyes unconsciously flicked downwards to JJ’s neck, then immediately flicked up again, not wanting to stare.

She must have thought you were a relative or something, JJ said. Anyway, I don’t mind people knowing. I just would’ve preferred to be the one to explain it. He tilted his head. You were in here last week. What was your name again? Did it start with S?

“An S? No, uh, not at all.” The man gave a little laugh. “Um, call me Ned.”

Right, that was it. Sorry, I must have been thinking of someone else. Jameson paused for a moment to unload the last of the cloth dolls, leaving him with a pair of marionettes. You don’t look like a Ned.

“Yeah.” The man nodded. “I’ve been told that. I don’t know what a Ned is supposed to look like. But it doesn’t matter. That’s just...what I’m called.” 

I’m Jameson. Friends call me JJ. Nice to meet you.

“Yeah, I remember your name. Nice to meet you, too.” The man glanced around. “So...this is your store.”

If you see anything you like, and want to see more, I can give you the name of the artist who made it, JJ said Though, some of the older pieces were made by my family members. The clocks, mostly. And I make some things. Like these. He held up the marionettes, which he’d been holding in the crook of his arm while he signed.

The man took a step back. “O-oh. Uh...they’re nice.”

Jameson laughed silently. He walked over to a spot on the wall with some hooks, hanging the marionettes on them by the handles so they dangled from the strings. Not a fan of dolls?

“Most dolls are fine, it’s just, uh...” The man gestured at the marionettes. “Puppets. It’s kind of a new thing for me. These really are nice, just...”

Don’t worry, I understand. They’re not for everyone. JJ made sure that the strings were all free and untangled. Can I help you with anything?

“Oh, uh, no. I just remembered this place and thought I’d check it out.” Again, the man glanced around the shop. “Maybe meet the other people I saw here who sort of looked like me.  Guess I’ve done that. Nice Timekeeper poster.”

Jameson glanced back at it, hanging behind the counter. He felt a lump in his chest. Thank you, he signed simply.

“Are all those other pictures your family?”

JJ nodded. My parents, and such. They’re not around anymore.

The man looked at him. “I’m sorry,” he said gently.

Thank you, Jameson signed again, softer this time. He took a deep breath, and then a step back. Wel, if you need anything, let me know. I’d be happy to help.

“Right. No problem.” The man nodded. “I’ll be honest, I’m not going to buy anything. I don’t carry any cash or cards when I’m not intending to shop, and I don’t have any of those money apps or anything.”

Oh, we don’t take any apps, just cash and card, JJ said. So no worries there. And no worries about not buying anything. Sometimes you just need to look around. You can come back any time.

The man stared at him, then nodded. “Yeah. I’ll probably do that.”

The shop was quiet for the next while, as the man browsed and JJ sat at the counter and read a book. Eventually, though, the bell at the door rang again, and the familiar man was gone.

But Jameson knew he would be back again.

[cfs-crohns-colitis-warrior]

It sucks being chronically ill. I want to be able to make money to pay my own way in life, to pay for my share of things, but I can’t work at the moment, maybe ever, so how am I supposed to do that?

A normal job is out of the question, I tried that in 2021 and struggled a lot after only about a month of part time work, and it was fairly straight forward and easy stuff, just basic filing etc.

Working from home is tough too. I don’t know if I’ll always be able to do the hours requested, because I never know what kind of week, day or even hour I’m going to have. I might manage all my work one work, the next I might not manage any of it. I’m going to struggle finding something flexible and simple enough for me to do (cause I don’t have that many skills) and even if I find something suitable it’s not guaranteed I’ll even get the job, especially since they’re more likely to go with someone who will be more reliable.

Then there’s the fact that I only have so much energy, and it’s always a debate on how to spend it. I have to use so much for showering, eating, just basic living to keep myself alive and clean basically. The thing is, I don’t want all my remaining energy to just go on work and earning money, because what kind of life is that? I want to be able to enjoy my time too. I want to be able to sit and read for a bit before bed, I want to be able to use my energy to cook delicious food or to help keep the house clean. But after all that, what energy is there left for work?

Even starting my own business will be a struggle. I doubt I’ll ever earn enough that it would be a replacement for a part time job, let alone a full time one. It’s just my hobby that I want to use to earn a little money from, because it’s much more flexible for me to do. The truth is though, I can only manage so much, and what happens if I stop being able to make anything?

Sure, at the moment I’m on benefits which helps me pay board and my phone bill etc, and I’m able to budget money for other stuff like entertainment when I can manage it and for going out for food, but I pay for very minimal things since I still live at home with my mum and dad.

What on Earth will happen when I’m able to move in with my boyfriend? My benefits will likely stop, since they don’t view someone as an individual, and so all money issues will fall to him. I’ll have to rely on him to pay for everything, and he’ll be the sole earner, earning barely enough money for one person, and having to pay for two. I don’t want him to pay for everything. I want to be able to pay for my own stuff, but I’m just too ill to be able to afford it. What the hell am I supposed to do?

My dad had a decent job, and my mum didn’t work and wasn’t able to get any benefits, so my dad has always paid for everything. I’ve seen first hand the kind of strain that can put on a relationship. My illnesses will already put a lot of strain on us before money even gets involved. Now I’m worried about how everything will affect my relationship and what on Earth we’re going to do. All I want to do right now is go to bed and go to sleep, but I’m too worried about the damn future thanks to unforeseeable illnesses that take everything from a person and they have no way to stop it or reverse it.

All I can hope for right now is that there’s something out there for me, some way to earn an okay amount of money at least, or that there’ll somehow be some miracle cure found soon that means I’ll be able to work a normal job again.

Anyway, another rant over, worries out of my head a bit. This is basically just a way for me to voice my thoughts and feelings to try and not keep it all bottled up inside me. I hope other peoples lives are going better than mine right now…

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31, 1999 Unbelievable! After all I ate yesterday, I still woke up at 109 pounds. Maybe a big part of why I haven’t been over 110 in a while is because I’ve been quite regular for a while now. Until today. I’ll have to have some bean soup!

Paula left a message asking me to call her back. She sounded like she was in a good mood, too. I guess I’ll go see if I can catch her now while Tom’s taking his nap.

Later…

Luckily, I’m still keeping my record of being regular. I just took a dump.

I called Paula too, and got a message saying, “If you need to get a hold of me, call me at…” So, I called the number. It was her friend Carmen’s, although she answered. She said she was doing laundry over there. She’s also moving again for the millionth time. She and Fran must hold the records for moving the most often! And they both have phones on and off. She’s gonna lose her phone again for a while, I guess, cuz she ran up a big bill. She gave me her PO Box address which she says she’ll have for quite a while cuz of her SS checks (she goes to it every other day). That’s smart. That’s what I should’ve done; gotten a PO Box since I was moving a lot myself. Not nearly as much as her, though!

My allergies are going spastic on me today! I don’t want to deal with them anymore, so I threw my nose clips on. Can’t they fucking go off when I can afford to take a Benadryl?! I can’t be taking a Benadryl in the middle of my day when I have an appointment the next day. It probably wouldn’t throw off my schedule, but I can’t be taking chances. On the other hand, this is a pretty bad allergy attack. The kind that goes on all day. So I may say fuck it and take a Benadryl.

Later…

I just broke down and took a Benadryl. If it fucks my schedule up, it fucks it up. I’m hoping this will be one of those times where it doesn’t knock me out, but right! That’s not the way life works. It’ll knock me out cuz I don’t want it to. If I didn’t care or wanted it to, it might or might not knock me out.

Anyway, Paula says she’s moving cuz her neighbor’s nosy in one breath, and in the next breath, she says she’s moving cuz of that married guy she’s seeing. She’s moving to Main St. in W. Springfield. She says she’s also leaving for Florida on Tuesday and will be gone till the 17th. Her father lives down there. She still says she’s gonna leave Justin with his father and come out here this summer, but we’ll see.

Tom pulled out the old, big washer for hopefully the last time. I washed the comforter I bought and will use that and the one Dureen sent till we move. Then when we move, we’ll have a full-size washer and dryer and I can wash them easily whenever they need it.

Another unbelievable thing is that not once during the weekend so far, did I hear or see a freeloader next door. The bitch must’ve taken off for the weekend, although we’re just entering their PT, so we’ll see. I don’t have a bad vibe, though. I doubt there’ll be a Superbowl scene like last year. You never do know, though, if a white car with little kids in it may pull in at any second and hop out to play ball and talk like everybody’s fucking deaf! It’s nice to know that there are only five hours left of light.

I thought the Super Bowl weekend would bring out lots of bangers, but nope. It’s been pretty good lately. The Super Bowl doesn’t start till 3:00 or 4:00, though. Gloria’s to be singing at it cuz it’s in Miami. I hate sports, though. Gymnastics and skating, I like, but I hate TV in general, cuz it only consists of three things - sports, reruns, and sad news. I still tape movies on the commercial-free channels whenever they have something new every few months or so. I also watch shows about crime cases periodically, too.

Later…

Wow. We got all the way to nearly 3:00 and there’s still not a sight or sound from next door. I can’t believe they’ve been this non-existent during a weekend I was on days.

I’ve been trying to fight off sleep by having two cups of regular coffee and keeping busy, but I’m still pretty woozy. As long as I don’t lay down, except to have our predictable sex when I get Tom up from his nap at 3:00, I should be OK. Just drowsy. My allergies have improved, but not entirely. I still sneeze here and there.

Later…

All weekend long neither of us saw or heard anything next door. However, there is a light on next door now, and I’ve never known her to leave lights on when she goes out, so I’ll check at about 9:00 or so, her typical weekday bedtime, to see if the lights go out. That’ll tell me if someone’s there unless she got the living room light rigged on a timer recently. If she’s been there all weekend, I’d be truly and utterly stunned. How could this bitch, of all people, stay home all weekend? And stay home with no company? She must be really sick in there, but I don’t know. That doesn’t seem like enough of an excuse to stop her from having company and besides, if she were that sick, wouldn’t her cronies be over there nursing her back to health? Maybe she did get contiguously sick, got a touch of consideration for others, and decided to keep people away. Or maybe she fucked over the people she knows one too many times and they got fed up with her.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30, 1999 Let me describe the toys I got yesterday. There are three different vibrators.

There’s a microvibe that’s really small. About the size of a tube of lipstick. It only takes one AAA battery (the others take two AA) and as cute as it is, I don’t see how the hell it could get me off. Not unless I was really horny.

The one that’s supposed to simulate oral sex doesn’t feel anything like oral sex and is more of a nuisance that’s not worth it. You have to hold the thing in place, too. I like to have my hands free. I’ll use the vibrator part of it, though, which has got a so-so kick. More kick than the micro vibe. I have it in the bathroom for if I get horny while Tom’s asleep.

The one with the most kick is in the bedroom.

The pleasure panty is great. It’s a red vinyl G-string that has a pocket in its crotch for inserting the vibrator and it really holds it in place.

I’m not a video fan, so I left that for Tom to check out.

Tom’s working this morning as part of the end-of-the-month thing where they all go in on a Saturday. He said he should be home around 2:00. Prime freeloader time (PNT). Although the freeloader’s peak time is from about noon till sundown. Oh, there’s some door slamming and yelling after dark, but only for a few minutes. When it’s light out, there’s room for more activity - even longer bouts of yelling, more door slamming, and ball games. I know how these sick fucks operate. Whether or not there’s a Super Bowl commotion, they’re not done paying us back for the roofing noise, so there’ll be ball playing either today and tomorrow or definitely at least one of these days. They’re not gonna let a weekend go by where we don’t hear from them for quite a while. I know these people, like I said, but their hear-me-too scenes better not include music.

Later…

So far, the only activity at the freeloaders is that they’re having their yard done right now by the people who usually do their yard. Why the fuck are they doing their yard in January? They have Bermuda grass too.

The white car should be showing up anytime now.

Later…

Holy shit. It’s already 3:00, yet no cars have been next door. They’ll make up for this quiet time. Trust me.

I guess we’re gonna screw around later. Or tomorrow. Whichever he chooses. I told him to decide and I’d go along with it, but I don’t want to. I just don’t want to. I’m sick of sex with him and I totally prefer the vibrators. They do everything I like/want and they’re available whenever I want them. They don’t get sick, tired, or make excuses.

How do I tell this to Tom, though? How do I tell him how I feel? I just can’t bring myself to. Maybe a big reason why I can’t bring myself to discuss this with him is knowing how he’ll feel about it. It won’t faze him. He won’t care, and he may even get off on it deep down. He’d never do anything to try to spice things up, and I know him. If he did, it’d only be for a week or two, then it’d be right back to the usual. He just has to control the sex. He has to make sure he doesn’t cum and make sure we do it part-time just so he can be in control, although there are some things that are out of his control. That is out of our control, like my sleep schedule and his work schedule, for example. It’s not that I have a problem with him not cumming and us doing it part-time, it’s that I have a problem with his controlling things and with the damn predictability of it all. Almost every time we get into bed to screw, I know what’s gonna happen. There are no surprises. It’s a bore. I get him hard either by hand or by him rubbing against me, he goes in there lying on his side, then he goes in there from on top, then he pulls out without cumming. Maybe another reason I don’t tell him how I feel is cuz I want him to be happy. His ways obviously make him happy or else he’d have tried to change them a long time ago. So, although I’m tired of the same old routine and predictability, I don’t want to bitch to him about ways that he enjoys, will not and cannot change, when I have the vibrators to supplement me very nicely.

I woke up at 109 pounds today and yesterday, but if I don’t wake up over 110 tomorrow, it’ll be a true miracle. I haven’t been over 110 in a while, but I will be for damn sure! (I weigh myself when I get up) They gave everybody treats at work, so I ate several of the little candy bars Tom brought home. I had to have had an easy 2000 calories today. Maybe I’ll take a water pill tomorrow to kind of compensate.

Tom says my lips and the area around them look thinner, but I haven’t noticed.

I wrote letters to Tammy and Paula using the papers with different pictures bordering the tops. These were the pages I was originally gonna use for printing out journal stuff. So, I’ll be using some for Tammy, some for Paula, and some for the freeloaders but unfortunately, none for Andy since I know he’s not going back east. I told him so in a message too. He’s not gonna give up his house and this weather.

I believe that deep down, Andy doesn’t want David cuz of his age. He’s in his 40s. Andy likes boys, not men. He likes college kids. And druggies. David just drinks. Andy would never admit it, but he wants a pothead just like himself. So, if you do pot, cigarettes, and are skinny and youthful-looking, you can be with Andy. Andy doesn’t want a decent man. He wants a drugged-up unstable boy who lives on the edge.

Evie told me news that I expected to get sooner or later and that did not make my day and it only reinforced my hatred towards God. Pam got Jennifer back. I knew she would. Thanks, God. Thanks a real lot, God. You’re such a terrific, empathetic God, who has nothing but love and fairness in his heart, huh? You want to do the right thing, don’t you?

Well, if there even is a God, he sure doesn’t care to win over my love, trust, respect, and faith. And Tom said not in a million years would she get her back. Ha! I knew she would. If they took her away 20 times, then that’s 20 times they’d give her right back.

God, I hate God! I have absolutely no respect for God. I have no faith in him, and I hate his guts. His ways are sick, cruel, and totally wrong. I know he’s gonna punish me for swearing at him and for saying mean things about him, but you know what? I don’t care!

Later…

I can’t believe it’s coming up on 6:30 and not one car has been seen/heard next door. I wonder if the bitch is even there. Did she get sick and tell people to stay away so they wouldn’t get sick too? Nah. She wouldn’t be that considerate. Does this mean they’ll make up for this peace and quiet tomorrow?

Later…

I can tell exactly why it’s been quiet all day. Cuz no one’s there. Now that the sun had set enough, I went and looked, and the living room lights were off. But when did she leave?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 1999 I guess Melanie will be calling me to remind me of our appointment on Monday.

I can’t believe how fast these teeth move! They don’t overlap anymore, and from the looks of it, only one tooth is still out of place. Are these things really going to need to be on till December? And aren’t the top ones due to come off soon? I’ll have to ask her.

I lost four nails this morning while doing housework. I took off the comforter that I bought when we got this bed, which is going to be washed this weekend, and put a floral one on that Dureen sent.

I’m doing one load of laundry today, and soon I’ll do the dishes.

I haven’t been nearly as tight as I had been for a while there. I guess in the end, the flu brought up all the pollution that was stuck down in my lungs. The little bit of rain we had helped, too. As far as we know, it didn’t leak in here, but it was only a light rain which didn’t last long.

Butterscotch bit me. I went to stick my finger in their cage like I always do and he bit the tip of my finger, drawing blood. I had to wear a Band-Aid for a while. I didn’t bite him back, of course, but I scared the shit out of him by chasing him around the cage and poking at him, so hopefully he’ll learn by this that biting me is not acceptable. If he does it again, I’ll want to swat him good!

Time to go online now and get my six Evie messages.

Later…

I decided to put AOL on hold in case Melanie calls. She hasn’t yet so I think that means that the other lady will be calling. Melanie usually calls by 9:15. The other lady usually does her calling at just after 10:00.

I ditched some more stuff that we’re not taking with us, like Norah posters I’d made, puzzles I’d taped and hung up, animal pictures from calendars, etc.

Every few months they pick up bulk stuff and the next run is in a couple of weeks. We’ll be putting stuff in the alley that we won’t need till we move and that we won’t be keeping, of course. I dragged out the two worst chairs that go to this pitiful kitchen table and the chair to the drawing table. I dragged them out in the backyard for us to put in the alley when it was time.

I’ve gone through the sheets and towels and ditched extras we’ll never use.

I propped open the back screen door. Before we take it off, as we plan to do and not bother to replace it, I want to make sure the cat doesn’t claw the hell out of the door. I doubt he will. If he’s at the back door, he usually just meows and it’s only when he hears us bustling about the house and wants to come in. I doubt he’ll claw on it for hours when we’re not available to let him in, but this will be a good test.

Later…

It’s 10:30 and still no call from the dentist, so I went online, and wow! Only one Evie message. It was a cute joke.

I was just hanging out clothes, and Jesus fucking Christ! Those collies are lucky I don’t have a gun!!

Later…

Maria’s here! And I was right about packages coming in groups too, cuz I got my vibrators as well. Maria’s gorgeous and I took a couple of pictures of her for Tammy and the girls to see. One of her full body and one of her face. She’s about Bailey’s size and I can’t believe that despite her being the same size, and having all the detail she’s got, she cost $50 and Bailey cost $300. Maybe the price cut is in her hands, as Tom mentioned. Both her hands aren’t as realistic as Bailey’s. She’s got a gold net-like veil trimmed with a black fringe that goes down her back. The veil is attached by a pretty gold fan clip that stands up on top of her head. Her dark curly, soft hair came in a ponytail, but I took it down. It looks good curly too, so I’m not gonna straighten it. Her curls fall to her waist, which is still long enough for me, even if it’s not as long as Bailey’s and Rapunzel’s. As Tom said, she has good lips for a doll. Lips are something that doesn’t always look good on a doll. Edie’s got the worst lips of all. Anyway, they’re nice and full and it looks like she may have lip liner. Her eyes are the most gorgeous shade of light brown I ever saw. I was worried about this at first, cuz I couldn’t tell their color on TV too well. I thought she had hazel eyes which isn’t very Hispanic. She has black eyeliner along the lower lashes. Her necklace is a thin red strand with gold threads, and her shoes are red with gold buckles. She has white net-like stockings with some kind of pattern. The main color of her two-piece satin outfit is off-white. It’s not quite what I’d describe as pearl or crème colored. Maybe ivory. There are two layers of ruffles at the shoulders trimmed with red and black. The bottom of the dress has three layers trimmed in red and black. The dress comes to above the knees. She has matching pantaloons. On the chest of the dress is a clump of three red flowers. A major hit to the entire outfit. One hand is flexed upward sort of like one of Sunshine and Lollipop’s. Why, I don’t know. I put a bracelet on this wrist that I made of red shiny beads. Her other hand has its palm turned sort of upward cuz this is the hand that holds the fan I didn’t realize she came with. The fan is white, covered with black and gold netting, and trimmed with the same red and gold that’s in her necklace. She’s not a sitting or a standing doll. She’s more like a leaning doll. I have her leaning against a jewelry box that’s about 8” high. Her legs don’t move at the hips like Bailey’s do and her arms don’t move at the shoulders, either. Both their heads move, though.

I’m psyched to have my first Hispanic doll. She looks much more Hispanic in person. Especially when I put her next to Bailey. You can see the color in her compared to Bailey’s whiteness.

It looks like I’ll be doing my doll shopping from the home shopping channel from here on out. They have mostly boring dolls, but their sizes and prices are quite a hit with me. If you like more expensive dolls that are smaller, then this place isn’t for you.

I still have hopes of having a doll that’s about 30” standing someday. And more as far as a variety of outfits and colors go. More hair and clothing colors. I’d still like someone wearing pink and I’d like to have a black doll, an Indian doll, and maybe an oriental doll too.

The cranberry-colored car was here again. Same scenario - the passenger went into the house for a few minutes, came out, then they left.

I missed Melanie’s call just before 11:00 cuz of all the excitement of getting Maria. She and the toys came just after 10:30, then the regular mail came just after 2:00.

Andy called asking if I could mail the papers Donna gave me so he could try to call some of these businesses to set up appointments, but I told him I dumped them. He said not to worry about keeping them, that Donna would have copies, and she never called about picking them up, so I dumped them. I also don’t see how this would work out for him either, but if he can get another copy from Donna and have it work out, more power to him.

I had a vision where the scale said either 106 or 107 before 2-3 weeks is up. That’d be nice.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28, 1999 My vibes were right. No Maria. Tom says he thinks we’ll have to end up calling them to put a trace on it by how shocked the rep he spoke to was. The rep was shocked cuz we should’ve gotten that damn doll by now. Why the fuck is there always a problem with getting dolls?

This month is the direct opposite of last. Last month I had major PMS as far as pre-cramps, water, and sore tits went. This month, I’m just four days away from my period and I have not one stitch of PMS. I think I know what that means. I’ll probably start spotting a few days late. Therefore, I won’t get a full flow till about a week later than I was originally supposed to.

I have an idea which may reduce the irritation I get down there, which I told Tom. I told him that since he too, seems to be content with sex on the weekends, since I haven’t heard him complain or seen him scramble to try to change our sex habits, I’m gonna insert a couple of fingers in there every Friday. That way, I should be more open and ready for the weekend. If we have to miss a weekend, I’ll keep myself as open as possible with my fingers, so that when we do get back into it, it won’t be such a shock to my crotch, since we’ll probably miss about one weekend a month. Meanwhile, the toys will supplement me during the week.

Overall, my appetite’s usually kind of low, but I do have horny spurts, so since my husband usually can’t take care of me, those toys really help! I just wish they too, would hurry up and get here! Of course, all three vibrators will be broken by the turn of the century.

Later…

Woke up at 110 pounds today, so I’ve got to watch it.

Typing’s rather difficult for me now cuz I put those airbrushed nails on again.

Tom’s on vacation from the 8th-12th of next month. Supposedly, we’re gonna go look at land, but I don’t know. It seems God’s always determined to steal his vacations. If it’s not the roof, then it’s an illness, and if not that, then Ma needs him. He has jury duty on the 8th as it is. Hopefully, God will let him have this vacation, but with our luck, his mother will fuck things up by having to go into the hospital at the start of his vacation. How much do you want to bet, though, that he’ll still want sex only on the weekends? Well, it suits me well, and whatever turns him on, turns on him.

Changed the rats’ cage yesterday. One of these days soon I’ll have to do the pig and mice.

It’s still a bit early, but so far, my vibes say there’ll be no doll, toys, or CDs today. Packages typically come in groups, anyway. So when we get the doll, we’ll probably get the toys or CDs too.

Later…

We’re getting closer to mail time and my no-doll vibe’s growing. Who did you give it to, you little fuck of a mailman? To the wrong street? The freeloaders? Someone else?

Tom got in about an hour ago and has gone to bed.

He doesn’t think Maria was misdelivered. He thinks she got lost in the mail. Whatever. I’m just sick of having to have such a hard time with getting dolls.

He says Mary’s talking to Mom about giving each of her kids $10,000 of the money she’s to leave after she’s gone. Just think, we could’ve had a total of $100,000 if he was an only child! It’s just my luck he has to have so many siblings! Anyway, you don’t have to pay taxes on anything that’s not over $10,000. I had a dream about this, too. He says, though, that this probably won’t happen until the end of the year. God, can’t we just get on with it here! Can’t you just take this burden of a woman who no doubt would love to be joined with her soul mate and let us get out of here and on with our lives? June or the end of the year just seems too far away right now, even though time flies.

Tom says they shouldn’t raise hell next door this Super Bowl Sunday, cuz the teams that are playing aren’t very popular compared to last year. Yeah, but there’ll be something. There’ll be at least half a dozen kids playing ball, even if it’s only for ten minutes.

Later…

The mailman isn’t here yet, but I just know my doll isn’t coming, and I’m getting pissed. I’m really getting pissed. What? Am I being teased when it comes to dolls and things I really want? It’s like something’s dangling the dolls overhead just out of reach saying, “You want it? Come and fetch it? Fight for it.” Well, I’m tired of having to fight for stuff in the mail, and what pisses me off even more is that there’s not a damn thing I can do about it! From now on, I’m not ordering any more dolls unless they’re to die for. Only then will I fight for them.

Got a free porn video from that company that’s to be sending the toys. They say they’re on their way, so maybe I’ll get them, maybe I won’t. It’s hit or miss.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 1999 I had that T-bone and was surprised to wake up at 109 pounds and not 111-112 pounds.

Tom overslept, so he won’t have time to call about Maria till he gets home.

Two black guys in a cranberry-colored car came over next door yesterday while Bill was there, but was only here for a few minutes. I’ve recently seen these black guys in this car visit quickly. They haven’t played music, but they make sure to announce their arrival by door slams and loud talking.

Lately, I’ve been bored. Yeah, believe it or not, my usual hobbies just aren’t enough lately. I need some fun, new project, but what? Can’t think of any.

Later…

It’s looking like it may rain out there, but the barometer doesn’t say so. Sometimes I wonder if the thing’s broken.

Yesterday, I shooed three kids out of our front yard by an old tree stump we have. They may have just stopped to innocently chat there, but I couldn’t know this for sure, so I opened the door and asked what they were doing. Without a word, they moved on. Why do kids today have to do their thing in other people’s yards?

Later…

The renters just gave me a ten-minute concert, but it was nothing compared to what I’d get from the freeloaders. Some dude is apparently working on his car out front. They got the front door open too, and at first I couldn’t be sure if the music was coming from the car or from inside the house, but anyway, the doors of the car were open and the guy was doing something in the hood. He’s hosing it down now. He killed the music right before he went to hose it off.

A young woman just came out to join him. They’re white and very young. Early 20s. Maybe even 18 or 19. What’s weird, though, is don’t they ever work? Every day there’s a vehicle in that driveway. In fact, four of the houses across the street always have a car or two in their driveway. Does anyone on this street work during the day? Anyway, hopefully, any music will be rare and as soft as that was. It was soft and not all bass. I could drown out its beat very easily with a soft fan.

Tom called about Maria. They say she’s on her way and that if she doesn’t come by Friday to call them and they’ll put a trace on her.

Tom still has a sore throat. I wonder why. That’s an awfully long sore throat.

How many people are living over there? The red car’s gone, but the woman and the dude are still there bopping around the white car they’ve been working on.

Andy just left me a message telling me how happy he is in Phoenix and that this is his home, etc. Yeah, I know. And as I told him in my reply, he’s not going back east. He knows it, I know it, so, so be it.

Please, Maria, be here today! The only problem with that is that I don’t sense her. I’m usually pretty good at sensing when packages are coming. Every psychic has their hot spots. Mail is one of them for me.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26, 1999 We got the bed frame back on the bed. I forgot just how high this bed is!

Got a message from Marla and five from Evie. Yeah, she couldn’t send just one message to save her life. Most of them were jokes.

A white city pickup was next door yesterday, but not for long. It had the city emblem and the word housing on the door of the truck. Probably just inspecting. Making sure the bitch wasn’t up to any more no-noes. Bill was there when they came. I wonder if they think he lives there.

I dread this coming weekend as much as I dreaded the last three-day weekend. This is Super Bowl Sunday coming up, and even though the cock isn’t living there, it still means carloads of kids and company playing ball, and maybe even some bass, too. Well, once again, I’d rather they stay here till we move, but if they have to go, then they have to go. I have a right to live in peace while I’m still here, too.

Later…

I gotta really watch it now. I woke up at 110 pounds today cuz I ate like a pig yesterday. Yesterday was the first day since getting sick that I was starving. I was doing just fine on my veggie diet today till I felt a little drained and had Tom pick me up a T-bone when he called from Ma’s to ask if I wanted anything. He said I lacked protein. Whatever. I had around 1500 calories today and that’s gonna put me waking up at 112 pounds, so after today, I’ve really gotta watch it. At least I’m not stuck. I’m gonna get watery, though, at this time.

He’s gonna call an 800 number when he gets up to find out why my doll never came.

MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1999 Andy’s being a pest again with his constant messages. That’s cuz he’s not working till Wednesday unless the temp agency calls. How can he expect to live? How can he make ends meet by working just a few hours a week? He just has no life whatsoever. I don’t see how he can afford his rent alone. Forget about utilities, car payments, pot, cigarettes, and food.

He said he was in this area with Laura looking for an apartment for her, but couldn’t find one. I thought apartments were plentiful out here.

Then he also said something about meeting Barbara Nicks at her house to give her a demo tape of Stevie’s. Something like that. I may’ve misunderstood what he said the meeting was for.

Tom went to begin working on the patio roof yesterday, but he not only found that he didn’t have enough roofing, but he also felt too weak and his cough returned, so he had to stop. This was what he told me in his message to me at 7:30 last night right before he left for work. I crashed at about 1:00 yesterday and didn’t get up till midnight. Guess I was zonked! He didn’t say anything about how the freeloaders returned, so I take it there was nothing to report on. I’ll still ask him when he comes in which will be a couple of hours from now.

Yesterday’s sex hurt like hell. I guess I used too much KY jelly cuz he went flying in there and it felt like I was being ripped apart and I felt a lot of pressure too. Tom says it’s because it’s been two weeks. Yeah, I know, and this part-time screwing has to stop for once and for all. My crotch just can’t take it. We just can’t screw consistently. Period. Maybe after we’ve moved and settled in the new place we can, or maybe when he retires, but we have never been able to yet and I don’t see us able to in the near future, and this isn’t what God wants for us cuz he’s never helped us find ways to screw consistently, so we need to find other alternatives. Maybe toys. Maybe just lying in bed cuddling and talking. Maybe oral and hands.

For the third time in a row, I woke up at 108 pounds. Getting thin again is nice, but it worries me. What will going back to being thin bring since it seems I always swap one problem for another one? Will it bring back the baby desires? Or will it bring some whole new problem? God, just don’t let me go back to wanting that child I can never have, please!

Later…

Tom told me he didn’t hear the bitch come in yesterday at all. Not even door slamming. However, he assumed she did come in at some point, cuz there were lights on when he left for work. Wow. And I didn’t even hear Bill pull in this morning and I was in the back room. The room that you can hear the door slamming the most in. Then again, Bill parked outside the carport. That makes a big difference.

Now here’s something really fucking weird. The cock parked on the corner of W. Weldon and N. 21 and walked to its bitch’s place from there. Now why on earth would it do that?

Tom and I were discussing reasons why Maria might not be here, besides my rotten doll luck or the mailman misdelivering her. They could’ve been wrong with the date they gave as to when she’d arrive, or he accidentally could’ve given the wrong credit card number. But if that were the case, why didn’t they call? Well, Tom will call them today or tomorrow about it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 1999 Tom said there was no activity next door yesterday. Yeah, but I also slept from 1 PM, which is about their time to come to life for the day, till late in the evening. Only God would know if there would’ve been any activity had I been up.

Woke up again at 108 pounds. I doubt I’ll shit today cuz of it.

Another thing Tom and I wondered about when we were going through all the different possible causes of sterility could be his having meningitis as a kid. He doubts it and so do I, but could it have damaged his testicles? Well, that’s OK that we’ll never know for sure if there was anything wrong with him, my eggs, hormones, or whatever, cuz fate is fate and that’s fine with me. I love my freedom.

Well, I was wrong. I just had to shit. Be back to write more after I eat.

Later…

Wow! Just like old times. I get full before I can finish my food. For a while there, after quitting smoking, I’d eat every bite and still be hungry.

Maria still didn’t come. Who’d the mailman give her to? They said she’d be here by the 24th, but did they know that the 24th is a Sunday? Tom said if we don’t get her by Monday, we’ll call them. Always a problem getting dolls. Always.

Later…

A long time ago Tom said he’d set up a thing that allowed me to choose which pictures to tile and which to center for my wallpaper. Right now, they all have to be one way or the other. Since that was one of the many things he never had time to do, I found a way around having it be one or the other. I went into this program that allows me to select a screen-size background and center the ones I wanted to be centered that way. I put pretty colorful backgrounds on the ones that wouldn’t quite stretch to fit the screen.

I had Mickey in the pink ball that Tom got while I was sick.

I got five animal cards in the mail from that pushy Humane Society, so I used them for my nieces, Tammy, and Paula.

I told Tom I’d like to put the bed back on its frame since taking off the frame ended up serving no purpose like I should’ve known. He’ll have time for it hopefully in a month or two from now.

Yesterday I was tight again, but this time, it wasn’t just cuz of the pollution. It was cuz of the congestion I had. So far, I’m better today. My cough is almost all gone.

Once again, Andy’s so rude and selfish that I wonder why I even bother with him! He left a message saying he got my mail and agreed I looked thin and have lost weight. Then he said that that was a crock of shit how I said I’d come over and take care of him if he got this flu. So I left a message telling him that that was rather insulting of him to call me a liar like that. I really would do everything I could to help him if he needed it. As long as Tom didn’t need me more than he did at the moment. Then he started smacking in my ear and admitted that he’d just started munching, so he was gonna hang up. Of course, he couldn’t just wait the two extra seconds. He deliberately had to start eating right before he hung up, not right after. People just can’t do the simplest little things! He never asked how I was feeling, either.

In an earlier message to me, he mentioned Laura moved back in, but only for a little while. He said he’d explain that one to me some other time.

Once again, I decided to give printing out these journals a break. Meanwhile, I still have all those pages made up of picture borders of family pictures, animals, journals, drawings, etc. So I picked the ones I didn’t want to send Tammy or anyone I know to use for the freeloaders. Pictures without us in it, naturally.

Later…

We’re gonna be screwing in a little while, which I have no desire to do. It’s just that I’d feel mean by saying no, even though he doesn’t want to get off with me any more than I want to with him. I prefer vibrators nowadays. He just went into the bathroom to do a duty, so he says, but I know why he really went into the bathroom.

Freeloader update: Miss Bitch and her slew of company were off to an early start today. I looked out to see two white cars (one on the street with the rack on its trunk and one in the driveway with the thick black trim), three adult women, and at least four kids. The kids were playing ball for a few minutes, but mostly, they were just wandering about with the adults who were all clustered around the car on the street. They were there for about ten minutes, then the car on the street quietly left, and the one in the driveway left a few minutes later playing soft music. I don’t think the bitch was in this car.

Are they testing me? Slowly pushing the music back on me to see how much I’ll take? Well, I won’t take hardly much at all. Trust me, you fucking freeloaders!

Anyway, the bitch was wearing a green sweatsuit, and her little friend was wearing a royal blue or purple one. One of the women was around the bitch’s height and had on a white long-sleeved shirt with denim overalls and a cap. The other woman was very tall.

One of the boys headed into our yard and got to the center of it before the bitch called it back. One of the kids’ names is Jordan.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 1999 And here I was saying how I was sick of him being sick. Well, I guess my tough immune system exists no more, cuz I got sicker than a dog! We both did.

Let me get the quicker subjects out of the way first. Those that don’t take much to write about. At 8 AM on MLK Day, I had a feeling that there wouldn’t be any trouble from next door. I was right. Till 7:30. Yeah, as they do every MLK Day, they had to make their MLK Day salute by banging in for about two minutes. It was the white car this time. Not the cock. I haven’t seen him lately, but that could be just because of my schedule. They came in just two hours after I’d gotten up. God held them off till I got up cuz Tom said he didn’t hear anything else. There weren’t any ball games either since I was on nights. I’m kind of between nights and days right now so who knows what’ll go on this weekend as far as ball games go? Anyway, the white car was dropping the bitch and the mistake off and of course, they made the big deal of it they usually make. Had to slam doors and yell for about five minutes, but the music was only a 90-second thing. Yeah, they were about due for their little music scene they give us every few months, and of course they’d pick MLK Day to do it. If we all were here for 20 more MLK Days, then that’s 20 more MLK Days that they’d do something to get attention. Like I said, though, we’re pretty sure it’s just their I-gotta-rebel-against-her-every-few-months thing since they know one time every now and then won’t get them in trouble, but this weekend will be a test to see if they’re planning on reverting back to old times. If they do, I’ll take care of it, naturally, by doing two things. I’ll beat the shit out of them and I’ll contact the city. Once again, I really hope I don’t have to do this, since according to the stock market, we’re looking at a 75% chance we’ll be out of here in what he says is May, June, or July. I vibe June, July, or August. I want us to go first. Not just so I can make my little delivery to them, but cuz I don’t trust that they’ll leave this house alone. Tom says it’s awfully hard to burn down a brick house. Then they’ll shoot it up, I said, but he disagrees. He said if they went first, they might play loud music while they were loading up, but that’s all they’d do.

I’m so sick of these blacks and Mexicans! If I never see them again it’ll be too soon. All they want to do is deal drugs, kick ass, and gangbang it while they mooch off of welfare and our tax dollars and cry racism. If Abe Lincoln were resurrected tomorrow, I’d put him in the ground again for freeing these subhuman pieces of sheer shit!

We got the pictures back and what a huge difference in these pictures of me compared to the California ones from last April! I didn’t look all that fat at all and when I asked him if he thought I looked fat, he said not even close. So I scanned copies for Andy and Tammy. I also enclosed a couple of pictures of Tom giving himself a haircut with the home haircutting thing we have.

Even Dureen and Art will be getting mail from me. Yeah, you heard right. Tom’s big on not throwing things out, so instead of ditching that big picture of Dureen, Art, Larry and his kids, I decided to mail it back to them and have Andy stick in a message with a couple of those pictures of me we just got. Andy really doesn’t have a damn thing to do with this, but I said I was Andy typing the message, which was only about five lines long. I said I saw Jodi as she was about to throw away that picture and I urged her to address an envelope to you and let me send it to you. She just stepped out at a neighbor’s and doesn’t know I’m also enclosing this message and these pictures. She still doesn’t smoke and is thin again, she had fertility testing and her uterus and tubes are OK, she and Tom are doing great, she’s now into doll collecting, getting ready to move in a few months, and still doesn’t want to talk to you.

In other words - she’s doing just fine without you!

Maria still hasn’t come. Tom said maybe they really do have a set system where they know exactly what day she’s gonna get here. Also, if we don’t get her by Monday, we’ll call them. And maybe we should take a visit to N. 21 Dr. too.

Later…

I forgot to mention the very vivid dream I had the night before I called and canceled the consultation with Dr. Wells. In the dream, I had a test confirming the mucus within my uterus was so bad that I could never conceive. Now that was a definite sign from God or from something. Maybe my uterus mucus or anything else isn’t necessarily fucked up, but the point’s the same - a reminder of what’s meant to be. This, along with logic, helped me to make the decision to cancel. I always believed that God guides us throughout our lives in the ways that he wants and that if we stray onto the wrong path, he guides us back to the right path.

Do I think I’m meant to resume testing at a later date? No. I mean, I know I wasn’t meant to deal with my ear back when I first went to Boston about it in the late 80s, and I know I wasn’t meant to deal with the impacted tooth when I first checked into it in 1994 (at least I think it was in 1994), but this is different.

OK, now about this flu we’re just getting over. It was a killer! I haven’t had the flu or been this sick since the very early 90s. I’ve never had a fever like this either. He got up to 104º and I got up to 102º. The fever kept going on and on, too. Every time it’d lower, it’d go back up again. It was the longest sore throat I’d had too, and a cough just like when I smoked. My lungs burned and stung like hell when I’d cough, and we were both coughing up blood. We had the exact same symptoms. He’s a day or two ahead of me, though. He still has a cough and a sore throat. I still have a slight cough. The cough was weird because I didn’t feel congested till I’d cough. You’d think your lungs were empty till you’d cough and find that there was a lot to cough up. It was high up, I guess, rather than deep down in the lungs. I wonder if the constant tightness I was having prior to getting sick had anything to do with this.

Anyway, I’m really glad to be feeling better. I was quite miserable. I could only sleep for three hours every twelve hours till the night before last. I was too sick to be functional in any way. Tom had to wait on me a lot. If I were still alone, I’d have been fucked! I couldn’t read, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t sing. All I could really do was listen to music or lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

As I told Tom, this shit’s gotta stop. I can’t keep playing cold and flu with him, now that I know that if he gets sick, I get sick too. He has to do something about his getting sick so often. It’s not only hard on us both when just he would get sick, but now that it’s gonna be both of us, that’s gonna really put a damper on our lives and make things tough. So, he’s starting with changing his lousy eating habits. Hopefully, he’ll do this for more than a week, and hopefully God will let this be the answer. Then we’ll worry about what shit he replaces his colds with once we find a way to get rid of them if we can. I can see one or two colds a year, but his five or six colds a year are absolutely ridiculous for a man who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t have a wife who smokes, or has kids wearing him down.

I’m down to 108 pounds. I had almost no appetite whatsoever while I was sick, but the reason I didn’t drop down to 105 or lower was cuz I also didn’t shit while I was sick. My body hung onto all it could. Its shit, its water, its everything.

I’m gonna begin a veggie diet. I got a good idea that’ll let me eat regularly to keep me from being hungry, yet that’s very low in calories. I’ll eat five times a day, every three hours. Popcorn, soup, and small cans of peas, green beans, corn, and things like that. I’m gonna give up the TV dinners for a while. I’m a little sick of them.

I’m looking a lot better, even if I still do have my share of flaws. My hair’s dead and uneven and I still have craters. My face is out of proportion cuz of my big eyes, average nose, and little round hole of a mouth. I also have a pointy chin, wide cheeks, and a narrow forehead.

Tom said he heard a report saying that if you do journaling, it’ll build up your immune system. Then why was I sicker than a dog back east? I was doing journals there. I asked him this and he said to compare how much I wrote before moving in here and how my health was before moving in here. Well, he has a point. I’ve been writing much more since living with him and I’ve been much healthier, too.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17, 1999 I have so much to write about but don’t know that I’ll get to it all in one sitting.

The text in this word processor can be centered, aligned to the left, aligned to the right, or aligned on both sides. I always had it where it’s lined up evenly just on the left side. However, I changed it so it’s lined up evenly on both sides and it looks so much better.

Saw a doll show again last night. Out of the 30 or so dolls they showed, only 2-3 of them were nice, but I can’t believe the prices! So cheap.

I also saw Dean Koontz’s Phantoms which just came out in a movie. I read the book a while back. The book I’m now reading is More Than You Know by Judith Kelman.

Andy called yesterday to tell me he received the doll and rat pictures and that the dolls are beautiful. Not what he had pictured.

I think that’s pretty much it as far as little tidbits of trivial stuff are concerned.

Now onto the shit that’s going on around here. Same old, same old. He’s sick again! Yeah, you heard right. Damn! I am so sick of his sicknesses! This guy’s either sick, or dead tired, or busy taking care of his mother, and I’m sooooo fucking sick of it!!! Is this same old shit ever going to end? That’s a stupid question, huh? He’s wondering if all this sickness might not end up building up his immunities as it did with me. Because I had had one cold or flu after another for so long, my immune system is now tougher than all hell, but I also had a pneumonia shot. He didn’t. I can see if he was a smoker like I used to be, but he’s not. There’s no reason he should be getting this sick this often. I urged him to go to a doctor about it, but I don’t know. He had a fever of 104º before and said he’d have gone to the ER if it had hit 105º. Still, I wonder, am I gonna get sick again? And if I do, will it be as easy as the last cold I had which barely counted as a cold and barely lasted 30 hours?

I’m just really bummed out here and even a bit scared. How many more years is his time gonna be tied up in his mother and his colds? And what would God replace him with if his mom and colds were suddenly gone? See? We couldn’t have a kid if I still wanted one and were OK, not just because God wouldn’t allow it, but because there’s no time to have sex more than once every week or two, and therefore, there certainly wouldn’t have been time to raise it. He says he disagrees with all this, but I’ve always felt he just loves to disagree with me. It’s like he’s obsessed with it.

Before I go do other things, let me just say that I’m canceling the consultation and further testing because I don’t want a kid, a child is not meant to be no matter what, and we can’t meet the testing requirements. There’s no way we can screw 2-3 times a week. He’s just too sick, too tired, or too busy. As always, he overestimates us and says things can change. If they’ve been the way they have been for as long as we’ve been together, then they’re not changing. I still have a relatively low drive compared to when we first met, but thank God for the toys that are on their way. They really help fill in the huge gaps here.

How are we ever gonna do what we’ve got to do in this house in order to sell it and get enough money out of it, move, and build our dream house if he’s always sick, tired, or busy??? Again, he totally disagrees with this, but thank God I didn’t get pregnant back when I wanted to. Not just because I couldn’t have handled carrying it, having it, and rearing it, but because if he’s so tired, sick, and busy now, imagine what it would’ve been like for him then!

Unfortunately, I’m on a night schedule now. Got up at 6 PM. I say it’s unfortunate because I’d really like to be up for tomorrow’s antics next door. I’m afraid that if they wake me up, however slim of a chance that may be, I won’t be able to control my actions. I’d lose control for sure if they woke me up in this day and age.

Why the fuck couldn’t they have waited just a little longer to acknowledge MLK Day out here?! Instead, they had to fucking acknowledge it the very same year I came out here. They haven’t acted out today or yesterday, according to Tom, but it’s tomorrow that they will. However, as Tom pointed out, things are different this year. Last Labor Day was the first one that they didn’t make a scene on, so maybe this will be the first MLK Day they won’t make fools of themselves. We’ll see. I don’t have a bad vibe right now, but we’re gonna have to get closer to morning before I can tune in to what may occur over there. I’m surprised there haven’t been any ball games yet this weekend, but there’s another force at work here. It’s not just them that’s harassed me, but it’s also God using and allowing them to badger me. So in a sense, I’m not surprised there were no ball games today. God knew I wouldn’t be up to hear it, not that I would’ve gone and cranked the fan or music up, but it’s just the principle of the point - neighbor’s noise. Deliberate neighbor’s noise.

In due time, God. In due time. That’ll all change. Of course, he’ll go do something else, but I’ll deal with that then.

Another reason I want to push my schedule onto days is so I can be up when Maria arrives. Unless she comes towards the end of the week, I probably won’t be up to get her if she comes on Tuesday. That seems a little too soon, though, even though they said by the 24th. Meaning, she could come sooner. I just hope that if she comes when I’m asleep, whoever delivers her leaves her out front. I don’t know if she’s coming by regular mail, UPS, or what?

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16, 1999 I started doing some exercises with the leg weights on. The leg weights really make a big difference in my ability to really feel the muscles working. I think that extra resistance really helps. It was kind of boring doing the exercises to the music, so I'm now reading while I work out. The only ones I can't do while I read are the arm exercises. The rest, I can hold the book while I do them. Unless the print is large, I do one exercise per page. I'm now doing a total of 15 exercises.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 1999 It’s been a quiet Friday night. So far. The bitch isn’t out or expecting company from the looks of things. The porch light is off, and there are lights on inside. Usually, this means she’s home and expecting no one.

I dread this long MLK Day weekend. I know there’s gonna be some kind of scene from over there if not all three days, then one of them. I mean, with the fans, headphones, and knowing we’re out of here this year, I don’t “dread” weekend ball games, but you just never know if they’re gonna revert to their old ways and thump this house down with their fucking bass. Well, if they do, that’s their eviction notice and their problem. Not mine. From here on out, they won’t directly meet with me and my fists unless they begin waking me up constantly, and if they haven’t done this yet, I’m sure they won’t start. Meanwhile, when they go screaming and ball-playing, I’m not gonna give them the reaction they’d like, but I will have the city evict them if it’s ever necessary. The consolation in it, though, is that it’s our last one. Our last MLK Day here.

I received the latest Ashton-Drake catalog. I was surprised at how many new dolls they’ve got. They have a lot more boy dolls.

They had a couple of cute new dolls. One named Melissa and a cute two-doll set, but they were just too small. I prefer the bigger dolls. The stores are too expensive and the catalog’s too small, so I guess I’ll be doing business with the TV doll shows for a while. I told Tom to let me know when he thinks money’s available again and I’ll watch the show. Their dolls are bigger and cheaper.

Thank God I got Rapunzel and Patrice when I did, cuz they weren’t in the catalog. I don’t know if this means they broke their molds and they no longer exist, or if they put them in every other catalog or so, so they can feature more dolls, but I’m still glad I got them when I did.

Paula called again last night, so I called her back (I didn’t hear the phone ring when she called). Again, she didn’t want anything. Just to tell me that she got it on with this guy who’s already involved in his car in the middle of a snowstorm. I was surprised to hear her say she kind of felt bad for his girlfriend since she seemed nice. I didn’t know Paula was capable of considering someone else’s feelings. Anyway, she said he said they argue all the time. Paula said she’s gonna give him an ultimatum - it’s either her or the girlfriend. I told her that I felt that if he could cheat on his girlfriend, he could cheat on her. I don’t think she believes or wants to believe that, but it’s her life. She said I’m the only one that knows about this, too.

She’s also looking at apartments in Springfield and W. Springfield. Yeah, she sure moves around a lot like Fran did. I’m surprised she’s been where she is for as long as she has been. She says the people are too nosy where she is. Everyone’s nosy, I told her. Especially in apartments and even more so in projects.

I also got those fertility papers. It’s not as complex as I thought it was. Meaning, there aren’t a bunch of complex tests. However, since he rarely gets off, is constantly tired or busy, has to chauffeur his mom to appointments, and since I can’t keep a schedule to save my life, it’s complex for us. Meaning, they’re saying to screw 2-3 times a week. Yeah, right! Then they’re saying to screw every other day during mid-cycle. Ugh-huh. Sure.

I would never have known, though, that position can affect conception. They’re saying the best is the missionary position. That’s about the only thing we got right. However, they’re advising the woman to put a pillow under her hips and that the man stays still inside the woman while he’s having the orgasm. OK, two things we got right and are capable of doing, but that’s about it. They say KY jelly can weaken or kill sperm and they advise you not to use it, but I have to. I’m too dry nowadays during sex. That’s mainly why I get so irritated down there.

It looks like there are about five tests and I’ll be damned if I’ll do the fourth one, cuz that’ll be just as bad as the first test, the HSG (hysterosalpingogram). This is where they scrape uterus cells to see if your hormones are off-balance, but why didn’t they just do that while they were already in there doing the HSG test? The postcoital test is the second test where they test the cervical mucus. This test should be no worse than a regular pelvic exam. The last test is where they check his sperm if he’ll let them have a sample of it.

Anyway, I’m really sick of this stuff. I’ve really had enough. I don’t want a child, I’m not meant to have one, so I’m leaning toward calling it quits here. I see no need to put myself through any more shit when I got my answers. If my uterus isn’t fucked up, then there’s probably nothing visibly wrong at all. Like I said, you don’t have to visibly be fucked up for fate to carry itself out. On top of all this, we can’t meet the requirements for testing. He won’t cum that often, and we’re just too busy, too tired, or off schedule to even get together in the first place.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 1999 Got a steal of a deal on the home shopping channel! As you know, Bailey’s a sitting doll, 24” long, handmade, at a cost of $300. Well, they had a doll just two inches shorter, also sitting and handmade, for just $50! She’ll be here by the 24th. She’s Spanish and her name’s Maria! She’s got on red shoes with gold buckles, white stockings with a nice little design in them, a white dress with ruffles and a rose on the chest, a necklace, and some shiny veil-like thing on the head. She has brown hair and hazel eyes. Most of the dolls they have suck, but the dolls they do have are mostly bigger and cheaper compared to Ashton Drake and the doll stores we’ve been to. Way cheaper!

I’m also getting three vibrators. So, we have four things on their way; pictures, CDs, vibrators, and Maria.

The first of the books I got this time around is good. It’s called One Last Kiss.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13, 1999 Evie left me a lengthy message all about how Parker needs constant watching and is in his terrible twos early. It’s things like this that make me not want a child and that reminds me that I could never handle it. How would I not run out of patience and beat the snot out of the thing? Thankfully, I’ve been my usual self and haven’t had a bad day since the 7th. As long as days like the 7th are either never again, or far and few between, I’ll be perfectly content to remain childless. Still, I’m determined to meet with the doctor and hear what she has to say. I’m gonna rebel against God, even if I know what’s meant to be and what’s not. It’s like if I were in a fight; even if I knew the person could beat me, they’re gonna have to beat me down. I’m not gonna just bow down to them the instant they’re onto me just cuz I know they’ll win. Well, I’m not gonna run away from God anymore either, and be his little puppet. He may always win and I may be on his side with this issue, but I’m not gonna just lay down and accept his ways and be his victim. He controlled me and made me how I am for a reason and I want to know how he did it. Not just why. He’s taken enough from me. That’s all I can say. He’s allowed enough bad times to occur in my life. Although he took my plumbing for good, correct reasons, he’s not taking any more. Not if I can help it. I gave my ear, my plumbing, my childhood, and enough’s enough.

I still haven’t gotten that fertility info so naturally, I’m wondering if it was misdelivered.

Woke up at 109 pounds. God, when I was 125 pounds, it was hard to imagine me ever being 109 again, and now that I am, it’s hard to imagine I was up to 125 pounds! I still don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. I still see someone who’s not downright fat, but who’s chunky, and who’s pure flab. I really should do some toning exercises, but I guess I’m lazy. I do wear the leg weights, though. Well, I know I’m not doing too bad overall. I may not look like I used to, but compared to your average woman, I’m pretty skinny and fit. Especially since most women do have kids and I haven’t.

I worry about Tom. His cold’s been dragging on cuz he hasn’t been able to get enough sleep. His mother made sure of that today and yesterday. Yesterday he went over to fix her light switch. When I asked why Mary or Dave don’t fix their own fucking light switches, he said he wouldn’t want them to. Today, he had to take her to get her staples out of her stomach. At least she’s doing really well and the swelling’s gone down in her feet. She can feel them again, too! Still, I wish God would have her move on and go join Dad. I’m sure they’d love to be together.

I haven’t worked on the puzzles I have on the vanity table in the music room, so I think I’ll go do that now.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12, 1999 Just changed the rat’s cage around again. I also moved them by the back door so I could see them from the kitchen.

Tom took some nice pictures today before I got up. He took a couple of good ones of Shiny and an excellent one of Shiny. Took a couple of good shots of Porky too, and even a good one of Velvet. I was surprised, cuz Velvet’s hard to shoot cuz he’s just this big black blob.

Anyway, I went through the pictures we’ve been taking and cropped some, and put them where I want them. Some are just being stored on the computer and some are in my subdirectories.

I went to take a picture of Bill’s car at 3:30, but when I stepped out, there was a woman at the collie’s house who saw me, and I’d prefer to be discreet if I can help it. So, I’ll shoot the picture some other day, then enclose that in their little packet, be it superimposed with something or not. That really ought to creep them out.

I’m mailing Tammy and Andy some cute rat pictures and some of my favorite dolls. Stamps just went up a cent to 33¢, so we’ll have to get a few 1¢ stamps to add to the few old 32¢ stamps we’ve got. Like the PO really needs that extra precious cent! I’ve also got Lisa’s birthday card going out to her.

Got my jury dismissal notice in the mail, which is great.

I’ve picked out about 5 vibrators from a catalog that sells them that just came. Perfect timing. I’m really hooked on these things for when Tom’s unavailable. They won’t last long, though.

I asked Tom if he still wanted to take ibuprofen and get off when I’m mid-cycle, even though I know he could get off every day and I’d still get every period, and he said yes. So I made my best mid-cycle guess and that’s on MLK Day. So, we’ll have to screw with the fans on for sure, since they’re gonna be playing ball or whatever the fuck it is they’re gonna do to get my attention and recognition for that day. Yeah, they just gotta rub their color in that day.

I emailed Kim, Evie, and Marla and let them know the HSG test was negative. I told Andy too, on his machine. In his reply message to me, he said it was nice to know that there’s nothing wrong with me, so maybe Tom’s the problem. In my reply message, I told him that just because my uterus and tubes are OK, doesn’t mean my eggs aren’t or that there isn’t some other problem within my plumbing, but I could very well be OK since God doesn’t have to sterilize a woman to make sure she never conceives. All he has to do is just make sure she never conceives no matter if her parts are good or not.

He also said a prayer to God right on the phone for us to have a kid, and says God always comes through for him. If he always comes through for him then why is he still alone? And why isn’t he a rich and famous singer? Anyway, I told him he can do what he wants, but he’s wasting his time praying for a kid. I should know. I didn’t tell him I don’t want a kid and that I just want to rebel against God and go through the motions and play this thing out, even though I know how it’s fated to play out, cuz for a variety of reasons I’m not so open with Andy these days. I don’t discuss much at all with him anymore, whereas in the past, I’d tell him everything. It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that a lot of the time he’s too baked to get it or to remember a damn thing I tell him. He also tends to argue and challenge a lot of what I say. However, he’s been really supportive of this fertility shit I’m wasting my time with, and for that, I’m appreciative and grateful.

He didn’t get together with Juliet cuz she was sick. I hope they’ll get together some other time soon.

Later…

I haven’t heard from Evie lately. Maybe David decided he didn’t like those jokes I sent after all? Well, you know what? I don’t care. If her feelings have been hurt or if I’ve made waves of any kind, if it isn’t just a case of her being busy, I don’t care. My days of being overly sensitive to people’s feelings are over. All that matters is Tom’s feelings.

I decided to grow my bangs out. All of them. Not just on the sides. I got impatient with those sides sticking out and cut those, but now I’m gonna let them all grow out. I need something different, even though Tom and I both like bangs better, and I’m sick of having to always trim them and have them look good some days and dorky other days. Eventually, I’ll cut bangs again after they’ve grown out for a while.

Last night Paula called. She didn’t want me to look up another name for her, either. She just wanted to chat, and it had to have been our best chat yet. It was really nice. She was still her usual ditzy self, but we were giggling and talking about all kinds of things, and I even had a moment where tears stung my eyes over missing her. She talked again about coming out this summer, but who knows? We asked each other our ritual questions. I ask her if she’s experimented on the other side yet, and she asks me if there are any babies yet. She says she knows I’ll have one someday, but it’ll only happen when it’s time. Then she also said she’d find a way to get out here to help me through it if I did have a kid, which I thought was so sweet. I know I’ll never have a kid and that her getting out here isn’t as easy as she may think, but still, that was sweet of her. I know she’s sincere about it.

She’s going to Florida for a couple of weeks to visit her father.

She says she’s up to 140 pounds, has her hair short, and dyed maroon. Yuck. Maroon? Short? She looked so good with her long brown hair. Anyway, I told her about Chromium Picolinate and how it usually suppresses your appetite.

When I hung up, I said “love you,” as I do to those I’m close to and it was the first time she said it back.

MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 1999 Let me do the freeloader update thing first. Bill was here today, and he left at the usual time of 4:30. Then a little while later, a black car was parked in the driveway that we’ve never seen before. Tom saw it as he was pulling in from getting me wax and getting a new filter for the AC duct. He said he saw a lady. During this car’s visit, I saw the bitch talking to the light blue car on the street for a minute. As I was going to listen to music, I heard the bitch yelling and saw her through the music room window talking to the lady who obviously just got into the black car. Yeah, as usual, she was pretty pissed. I don’t know if she was pissed at the lady or if she was just bitching to the lady about something that had her pissed off.

After the black car left, I could’ve sworn I heard a car door next door as I was in the bedroom talking with Tom, but when I went and looked (it was now dark) I saw no car. I saw that she did replace her porch light, though, and that that was on. It’s on right now, so I take it the cock or someone’s coming over. Maybe the car was over there but is in the carport and is just too hard to see in the dark, but I doubt it. Sometimes, though, their low cars are hard to see over that wall, even if I climb on a chair, cuz I’m so short.

Why is she always such a mean, mad, aggressive bitch? I can only imagine just what kind of mother she must be, and boy is it scary! The bitch changed her hairstyle. She’s got it in lots of braids, but it’s still tucked under at the nape of her neck. She looked sort of ridiculous from what I could see earlier (she was only about 10’ away) with some of the braids sticking out and hanging down. Her hair’s gotten long, though. To the middle of her back. Maybe a bit longer.

In my letter to Tammy, I enclosed some pictures of my dolls and some cute rat pictures I took last night. Just of Butterscotch and Ratsy, though. The two bravest. Porky and Mickey were camera shy. As I told her, though, I’ll get them shot sometime, and soon I’ll send pictures of us, too.

Tom and I didn’t get to have sex today as we’d planned, cuz he was too tired. Like I said, something up there does not want us to have sex during weekdays, but my crotch is basically only good for the weekends anyway, or else I’ll get sore. We did chat a bit, though, and we put together a list of the shit that’s gotta be done with this house. Here it is:

Pick up roofing bits from the side and back of the house

Gravel the front

Replace the bathroom sink

Fill in the AC hole in the back room

Tear up back room carpet

Finish the front security door (take off back screen door)

Paint the inside and the outside of the house

Fill in the holes in the back room ceiling

Put a vent in the bathroom

Sand the bedroom closet door

Put a fence around the pool

Repaint the pool steps

Later…

Lights off next door. I noticed this a few minutes ago, so maybe she just forgot they were on.

Thanks to Butterscotch, I had to wash my hair just now and it’s not even a wash day. That’s cuz I literally “scared the shit out of him.” I went to pick him up and he freaked. He squealed and shit in my hair and all over my shirt. Not the usual hard duties, but runny shit. So I had to shower and wash my hair. The poor guy. I made it up to him as best I could with some extra lettuce and cheese.

Paula and I have been playing more phone tag. I’ll try to call her earlier tomorrow.

I just left Andy a message telling him of my test results, that my cold turned out to be the easiest cold I ever had, and that I hoped his visit with Juliet went well. I told him I wanted to hear about it and to leave me a message. When I told him Friday that I had a cold, he asked if there was anything he could do for me. That was nice of him.

I’ll get on with the test results which are sort of unfuckingbelievable in a moment.

First, let me cover Tammy’s latest shit. Sarah passed out cuz of some lung problem, Tammy’s got lung fluid that leaked out of her lungs and into her ribs (if I heard her right), Lisa’s still rebellious, and a young mother (always a young mother), and her two sons died in a fire that lived nearby. Tammy’s worried they’ll all die like they did cuz Lisa’s throwing spent matches onto the floor which is littered with papers. She said Lisa will not clean her room or do anything she was supposed to do and is asked to do, so she called the state on Tammy, then Tammy blew up and called her a bitch. Lovely. Just lovely. I thought my sister’s motto was that two wrongs don’t make a right It’s a waste of time I know, but I told her that name-calling and pitching fits won’t help solve anything. Of course, the state’s not gonna do anything like they almost never do, and Tammy says she’s gonna kick Lisa out when she’s 16 on the 20th of this month. If they call us about taking Lisa, well, I don’t know if I want to anymore. I still love Lisa and I always will, no matter if I never see or talk to her again or not, but Tammy’s right about Lisa’s lying. Tammy may be a shit mom who makes a million mistakes, but she’s not bullshitting when it comes to Lisa’s lying. Even Lisa herself admitted to me she’s lied, and she lied to me about not contacting Larry, so now that trust has been damaged. Maybe we wouldn’t have the same relationship we have on the phone if she came to live with us. Maybe Tammy’s right and maybe Lisa would walk all over us and raise hell.

I reminded Tammy too, that she really ought to smoke outside if she’s not gonna quit. Sarah and Becky don’t need that secondhand smoke. Again, though, it’s her life and she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. No one can tell her what to do.

Maybe I’ve got more Dureen in me than I’d like, cuz I’m still leaning toward walking when we move. Then again, Dureen would stick around and try to change the person rather than just walk away, whereas I say - if you don’t like someone, don’t have anything to do with them. Don’t try to change or control them, just walk away. It’s not that I don’t like her, Lisa, or the girls, of course. It’s just the same old shit that brings me down and sometimes pisses me the fuck off. Maybe I’m a wimp, but I can’t deal with the anger and with the same old problems with Bill and all that shit (although I guess he kept his paws to himself in Florida). Tom, naturally, doesn’t think I should walk. He said that’d be like my dumping Andy just because someone pissed him off. In other words, that’d be his problem that he’d have to work out. Yeah, I know, but still, it’s that last remaining tie to the past that I really feel needs to be severed. It’s not that I wouldn’t feel bad about walking cuz Tammy wouldn’t do that to me. And also, I know it’s gonna hurt Lisa. But they don’t need me any more than I need to be a part of their problems and a part of that painful past, and as they know and will learn, people come and go throughout our lives. The only problems I can deal with right now are any that may arise within my own household and even that can be hard. This sterility shit I’ve been dealing with for years can really take its toll on me. When it isn’t downright reducing me to tears, it’s still playing on a back burner within my mind. That feeling of being abnormal and being controlled and punished by God is still lurking within my subconscious.

I got my card reminding me it was time for a cleaning/check-up so I first called the dentist to see if I could schedule an appointment with Charlene the same day I see Melanie on the 1st, but couldn’t get in that day. Melanie answered, by the way. So I made the appointment for the 8th. Then I saw that Tom had jury duty that day, so I called back and got Tisha who’s the receptionist that’s always there when I go in, and told her I couldn’t make it that day. So she moved me to the 22nd, and the good of it is that I can see Melanie right after it and hit two birds with one stone.

Then I called Dr. Well’s office and left a message saying that I wasn’t too happy that I haven’t been called back since leaving the message I left last Thursday and to please get back to me. So Monique, doctor Well’s nurse, called me back explaining that she had a family emergency, my HSG test was normal, she’s mailing me papers all about their fertility work-ups that they do, the next step will be to see if I’m ovulating and check his sperm after we’ve had sex, and that one-hour consultation with the doctor.

In other words, if I want to keep going, even though I know damn well what the end results will be, I have to lower myself to more painful tests and deal with his not cumming on command. Not that we’d have the time to screw around for this test if I was mid-cycle during the week. I don’t know if this is no worse than a regular exam, or what. I guess he’s supposed to get off when I’m mid-cycle, then I’m supposed to go in there and have them scrape a sample of his cum from me to see if his sperm count’s too low. Maybe to see if I have that bacteria that kills sperm, too. The doctor’s also gonna do something to see if I ovulate, but I have no clue as to what this could entail. Maybe she’ll give me pills to make me ovulate, then use an ovulation predictor test to see if I ovulated like I’m supposed to.

Tom’s insisting that cumming on a schedule will be no problem just like how he told me he’d cum when he did the last time he did, but I don’t know. Sometimes he keeps his word with that, but most of the time he doesn’t. He even said that he can’t cum under pressure. He can’t just cum on cue.

How can my uterus be fine? This is what I don’t get. Does this mean the DES didn’t affect me in any bad way? If my uterus and fallopian tubes are OK, does this mean my eggs are fucked up? My first guess was the uterus, but my second guess is the eggs since they made a guinea pig out of me for so long with so many different medications. Tom said it could be anything from the way I wash myself down there after sex, to my body temperature. But I thought I gave it enough time in between sex and washing. Is it body chemistry? Hormones? Or am I perfectly normal? Maybe I am normal after all. Like I said, God doesn’t have to visibly alter one’s plumbing in order to make sure they never have a child.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10, 1999 I just called Paula who says she’s gonna call me back. She left a message earlier wanting to know if I could find a number for some guy in Texas. This time, instead of saying no, I’ll tell her I found a match and give her a bogus number. I know it’s dishonest, but the ditz won’t know the difference. It seems she only calls when she wants me to look for someone on the Internet. If it was as easy as snapping my fingers and having Paula here for a little visit, I would do it in a heartbeat. But if I were to never hear from her again, I can’t say I’d miss her. She’s just there at this point in my life. Just someone who exists that I know. I’ve known her since I was about 19.

Meanwhile, I’ve got a shitload of updating to do, and in the midst of taking breaks to sing, read, and watch some movies, I’m gonna get started. Let me back up and try to go in order of events.

The 7th, as I said before, was a nightmare. It was totally, totally miserable and just like old times. I felt like it was somewhere between 1994-1997 all over again. I just cried and cried and was so pissed off at God for taking away my right to choose what to do with my life/body. I was both sad and angry.

As my anger mounted and peaked, I decided that saying “You can’t fight God and win” would no longer cut it for me. I was gonna take back my rights as a woman, fight back, and beat God for sure. I was gonna get fixed, become all woman no matter how excruciating, and make that mistake that should’ve been mine to make a few years ago. And I was gonna soak up every miserable moment of that mistake, too.

The next day, and since then, I was back to my old self, thank fucking God! I know I can’t fight God and win and change fate. Also, I do not want a child. I want to live. I want to be free. I just hope to hell that the 7th was a rare setback and that it’ll mostly, if not completely, remain a thing of the past. There’s nothing like being as angry and as depressed as I was, feeling cheated, feeling controlled, and cursed by this non-empathetic, controlling God! Never do I want to experience that hopeless despair again!

Tom was very supportive, reminding me that it’s OK to feel as I did. He heard a report on TV about how fertility clinics should really keep in mind that women are angry. They’re angry if they can’t conceive, they’re angry if they do conceive and have to go through all that shit just to do it when no woman should have to in the first place. No one should have to work for or pay for getting pregnant. People should have the right to do what they want with their own lives and with their own bodies. Period.

Anyway, I’ll never have a child, I know that, I’m OK with that as I have been for about a year now, but I still do intend to call this doctor’s office Monday and give them a piece of my mind. Tom says it’s like this everywhere nowadays where it’s a battle just to get a doctor to call you back. Do I think it’s a sign anyway? Yeah, I’m sure it is, but still, I called Thursday and I should’ve been called back by now. Tom says there’s a chance she may not have worked on Friday, but nonetheless, I’m gonna make it clear in my message that when I leave a message, I want to be called back. Also, I want to know what the test results were (in her words) and find out what the next step is if there is a next step. This isn’t over till I say it is!

I’ve got to take charge of my own life and of my own body. If I don’t, God will just keep taking and taking and controlling and controlling. I’m not gonna be God’s little victim. His character that he uses in a script that he wrote out. Fuck that shit! He gave me this life and this body and now it’s mine! All mine.

Tom put in Plexiglas strips around the sides of the floors in the rat’s cage, but plenty of sawdust still seeped out and made quite a mess. So, I took the floors out and was gonna have him make wire floors so that their shit would fall down through to the bass, which is like a huge litter box, but then I got an even better idea which I set about doing. I love it and so do the rats. Tom thinks it’s cool, too. Instead of having the shelves make complete floors for them to piss and shit all over if they’re bare, knock sawdust out if I put any in, and be hard for me to clean, either way, I put shelves in, but not from one wall to another making a floor. I made steps instead, and this way, the shelves are easier to pop out and clean. This is so much better! They make much less of a mess, it’s easier to clean, and that’s less sawdust I have to deal with and vacuum up.

This cold, which is practically all gone now, turned out to be the easiest cold I ever had. I had a sugar craving just like Tom did with his and ate like a pig for two days. I had two candy bars and lots of little donuts. Can’t believe I’m not over 111 pounds.

We got our digital camera a few days ago and it’s great! I love it! It’s easy to use, too. Tom showed me how to shoot pictures, then transfer them to the computer and into the folder I want them in. I took some doll pictures, and sometime soon I’ll take some animal pictures and some of us. That way Tammy and the girls can see the weight I’ve lost and how long my hair is!

Tom and I laughed together over my idea for the freeloaders. I thought I’d shoot some pictures of their house, then superimpose a mouse or something to make it look like they have a giant rat on their roof and a giant mouse on their porch. Something like that. I tried to shoot pictures through the blinds today of the bitch and her sister, but all I got were the blinds since it focuses on what’s closest. Still, a picture of one of them ought to really creep them out! I’ll have to learn to manually focus it. A shot of Bill’s car and the house would be lovely for them to have, too.

I guess tomorrow it’s back to the usual weekday routine for the freeloaders. Today, the cock came in at around 2:00 to watch a football game. I heard two door slams while I was in the bathroom. One for the teenage boy? Anyway, it was here till 5:00. While the cock was here, the sister in the white car was out front fighting with the bitch. At least it looked like the bitch was arguing with her and mad about someone. She was born mad, I swear! They were standing by the car, which was parked on the street since the cock had the driveway. Part of it, anyway. The sister was holding a baby and then I saw the bitch’s mistake and some other kid about that same size. They’re so fucking weird, cuz at one point, the sister started walking down the street and the bitch was kneeling down doing something to the ground, but I couldn’t make out what the fuck it was. Amazingly, there were no ball games today.

It looks like Kim got her computer back together again. She sent me a few messages. One updating me on her life, then a couple with jokes. It sounds like her life is typical. She’s just living with Walter in Northampton, instead of alone in Deerfield.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9, 1999 Got quite a bit of updating to do. For starters, the freeloaders have been doing exactly what I knew they’d do, but at least we haven’t had setbacks with the music. Or with the bass, I should say.

The bitch got back at 6 PM on the 7th, which turned out to be a miserable day for me, but I’ll get into that later. Anyway, it looks like Bill went with the cock and bitch to the Midwest. I assume Bill went too, cuz I never saw him checking on the house while the bitch was gone, and what’s the bitch doing - leaving her father alone every Christmas? Somehow, I don’t think so. I think the three of them went to the airport in the cock’s car. When they returned, I think the cock dropped Bill off, then its bitch. There wasn’t much in the way of door-slamming that night, and the cock didn’t stay long. After a long flight, I’m sure the cock was sick of its bitch and of its mistake, and just wanted to get the hell home. I saw the cock pull a large duffel bag from the trunk, and that’s about it. Just a few door slams. The cock wasn’t even here for an hour.

Meanwhile, the bitch has been making up for lost time as far as company and door slamming goes and has begun the payback for the roofing noise. I knew she would. Like I said, I know these freeloaders. I can anticipate just about their every move.

The bitch didn’t work yesterday, but it went out with Bill at 2:00. Probably to do some grocery shopping. At 4:00, the cock was in and out, and at 5:00 Bill brought the bitch back. At 6:15, part of the payback began. For about five minutes, I heard really loud voices. Yeah, the bitch had to make a big fucking production out of the light blue car’s picking her up. All I could make out, though, was “I’ll get you something at Wal-Mart.” Anyway, I heard about two kids and two adults. There were at least ten door slams. If these people were normal in any sense of the word, her ride would pull up and maybe honk if she weren’t looking for her ride or standing out front, then there’d be just two door slams. One for her and one for her mistake, and that’s it, but no. She’s gotta make a big show of it in regard to me.

I could’ve sworn I heard two door slams when the cock came and went while she was out on Friday with Bill, and I think I know who that other dude is that he sometimes comes over with. I think it’s that teenage boy I spoke to when I’d had my fill with the dog sitting outside my bedroom barking. I think that her lease allows that house only to her and her kid and that both he and this kid got kicked out. I think the kid moved in with the cock. Well, where is its mother? In jail? Too doped up to give a shit? Or was she killed by an enemy or fellow gang member?

Anyway, the way I know the bitch went out last night when that car came in at 6:15, is cuz there were no lights on inside the house. She had to have gotten back after I crashed, though.

The biggest thing I figured the bitch would sic on me for the roofing noise would be ball games. More so than voices and door slamming. She’d really love to sic the bass on me, but she can’t, cuz she knows she’ll get evicted if she does. Well, I was right about the ball games. I just knew there would be ball games this weekend, next weekend at the latest, but it didn’t go on for hours and hours like I thought it would.

Today, the light blue car came and went and came again a few minutes later. Then a black boy in a dark green sports shirt about 12 years of age came out to play ball, but only for a few minutes. The fan in the bedroom and the air cleaner in the living room, do a great job at drowning this out, so since we haven’t got much time left here (I hope) I don’t give a fuck if they play ball every day from here on out. I’ve got fans and I’ve got cordless headphones for music and even for the TV if I just had to watch something while they were out balling around. And I’ll bet you anything that that bitch coaxed him into playing, too.

So then after a few minutes of him slam-dunking, out comes two black ladies putting shit in the trunk. I saw a bright blue stroller, and what looked like party bags being put in the trunk. The back seat looked like it was loaded with 2-4 kids. I couldn’t tell for sure who the hell these girls were. One had braids and that might’ve been the bitch. After all, she needed a change of style and had had her old style for way too long. The other had nice hair for being black. They usually have lamb’s wool for hair. It was loose, kind of one length, and about an inch or two below the shoulders. She wore a dull-colored outfit, though. A long-sleeved olive blouse, and was it dull orange/yellow pants? Or jeans? Someone had jeans on. Anyway, they were both around the same height and weight and I think it was the bitch and its sister.

So, they take off and it’s about noon. At 5:30, just as the sun was setting, it was back. And so was the dark green sports shirt and its basketball. It played for about 20 minutes, then bye-bye went the car and the dark green sports shirt and its basketball. Some would say I should’ve sabotaged the damn hoop while they were gone, but it wouldn’t have done me any good. If a giant hole opened up in the ground and swallowed that thing right up, they’d just replace it. And if not, they’d just dribble the ball in the driveway to get at me.

The night is young. It’s only 7:00. Got more company to go for that bitch. I just checked and although it’s not as bright as usual, there is a light on over there, so I think the bitch is home and that any more company will go inside the house to see her there. And I’d think it’s too dark to be playing any more ball today.

I’m sure tomorrow will be a repeat of today. Cars in and out, door slams on and off, and 2-3 spurts of ball playing. God help them if they ever even think of returning to basing me out!

I have much more to write about, but I’ve got a little cold that I came down with on the 7th, thanks to Tom and his constant colds, so I’ll do it later. This has been an easy cold, though. I’m not nearly as bad off as I got last year when I had a cold.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 1999 Right again, as usual. I did get my full flow today. However, it’s so wimpy! Nothing hits the pad. It’s just what I wipe off. On the bright side, what I wiped off was too much to be pregnant with, but I’m really wondering more and more about a hormone imbalance or early menopause. So I left a message with the doctor about this. I was told she’d call me at the end of the day. Fine. Maybe she can tell me about the tests I took while we’re at it.

Once again, I am totally, totally sterile! No fertile woman should’ve gotten her period when I did if she had sex just two days prior to being mid-cycle, but you know me. Nowadays I see it as a gift. Not a curse. I just wish God would’ve left the choice to me! Yeah, but while that’s easy to say, we know damn well I’d have made the wrong choice in the past had it been mine to make, and today I’d be lifelessly sitting around regretting it. I just wish the doctor would call and tell me there were no choices to be made, cuz my uterus is that fucked up, cuz that’d just make this whole thing so much easier. Just tell me what I know isn’t meant to be so I can move on in life! No more excruciating tests for nothing! I’m not meant to have any say in this matter, and my days of struggling for what’s not meant to be are over. I’m going with the flow of God’s plan for me, like it or not, and that’s that.

Later…

Tom installed a new modem on my computer that’s faster for when I’m on AOL or the web or something like that. It’s not lightning fast, since phone wires can only transmit information through them so fast, but it is faster than what I had before.

It’s also supposed to have caller ID and when someone calls, the number’s supposed to show up on the monitor, but I haven’t gotten any calls in which to test it out yet. Of all these fucking sales calls we get, none has called yet since I’ve been awake and functional.

Tom’s taking his mom to an appointment today.

Tom doesn’t think Mom will make it throughout the year. Well, I hope he’s right and I’m wrong, cuz regardless of how nice she is compared to most people, she needs to go. She’s done her time here on this earth, there’s nothing more she can do or live for except to burden others, so she needs to pass on and we need to move on. I know God’s gonna really get me for this by making sure no one’s around to take care of me and help me out when I get old, but I already knew he’d do this to me no matter what I felt about his mother. I’m just sick of her and her needs. They may have lessened greatly since she sold that fucking house, but still, she needs to go, and God help Mary and Dave or someone else if they think Tom will then wait on them left and right after she’s gone.

Andy, for whatever reason, isn’t able to come over anytime in the near future to get that extra comforter I have for him, his notes, and to see the place. He’s gonna be busy doing temp work for the next two weeks, so maybe he’ll come over then. Or maybe he just doesn’t feel like it or trust his junky car. He did mention only driving when necessary. So, I’m gonna mail him the notes.

He left a message yesterday saying he was sorry the phone appointments didn’t work out. Donna was bummed too. I knew it was too good to be true; simply making appointments all day and getting $10 a pop, but that’s OK, cuz as I told Andy and Donna, the work was dull and I’d rather make dolls and do something more uppity, even if it’s for shit money. Although, if it had worked out, I’d have done it for a while anyway. Meanwhile, Donna’s gonna pick up the papers she gave me some time over the next few days.

Andy says his friend Juliet’s coming in from California. The one I met back east a couple of times. We all went to the beach together once, and she was with us at one of the bars. Anyway, he mentioned coming over for a visit with her this weekend. He just doesn’t listen or get it when I tell him I’m tied up on weekends! So, I simply told him I’d be busy, which is true, and that she’s his friend. I still don’t want to get into buddy sharing with him, although Donna’s an easygoing enough person to have done business with.

He says he does not want to give up Phoenix but he has to cuz he wants love. Andy, you are not gonna give up Phoenix for nothing and nobody! You know it. I know it. So end it. You’re not destined for a relationship, and if you were, you still couldn’t have one cuz you’re too damn selfish to have a successful one.

Today, the collies are doing a fine job of making up for lost barking time.

Later…

Wow. If you ask me, these teeth are moving really fast. They’re not overlapping anymore, on the bottom, and there are only three teeth that are out of place.

I hope Tom gets home soon. He needs to work tonight, so he can’t be out catering to Marjorie all day. Maybe he’ll give her the last remaining bits of his cold and she’ll die now.

Later…

Oh, how I hate that woman!!! I’m soooooo fucking pissed off right now, I can barely type! Marjorie, drop dead you fucking asshole! Drop dead! I need my husband right now. I’m depressed and I really need to talk to him now, but no! He has to be catering to you. Well, who’s fucking husband is he, Marge? Gee, I thought he was my husband! God, I hate you, you fucking burden! I’m sick of you interfering with this relationship. I’m sick of you taking my husband’s time when I need him. I’m sick of you causing him to lose sleep, to lose more of his valuable time, his life, and I’m sick of you!! God, why won’t you kill this woman, NOW!!! I could scream, I’m so fucking furious and fed up with this user!

That depression’s really turning into anger and frustration pretty fast, that’s for damn sure. Still, I need my husband. I need to talk to him and vent these emotions. It won’t change a damn thing, but it helps perk me up. It’s like an alcoholic who drinks when she’s upset. It doesn’t fix her problem, and maybe nothing can, but it helps to temporarily make her feel better so she can cope and get through the tough times.

I don’t know why I’m so depressed today. I haven’t been this depressed in a long time. It feels just like old times, and this is scary. Is this gonna be a rare thing? Or am I gonna go back to being depressed over being controlled by God on a regular basis? I thought having periods was supposed to take away depression. Anyway, no, I don’t want a kid, but I still feel depressed, confused, angry, frustrated, and cursed at the way God’s dictated my life for me in so many more ways than is the norm. I don’t have a full bag of rights as a woman, I never will, and that still pisses me off and saddens me, whether I want a kid or not. How can God do this to a woman, and why me? What did I do that was so horrible that I deserve this? Why? Why?! Why me? He gave this body to me, so why can’t I use it the way I want to? He gave this life to me, so why can’t I do what I want with it? Well, the truth is my body and life don’t fully belong to me and they never will, so when the fuck am I gonna just get over it and on with my life? I mean, I did such a good job of it last year. I came to accept myself as I am and I was content to live life as I am, half-woman and all. I came to see how wonderful things would be without a child. I still see how wonderful they’ll be, but when am I gonna get over not having a say in the matter and get over the depression and the feeling like God’s picking on me?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 1999 At 10:00 I’m gonna call Donna. I called Tom at work and asked him if he wanted me to have Donna come over when he’s home so he can be there too to hear what she has to say, but he said no. He trusts my judgment. Just be careful of what I get into. Of course.

Although I only had a little spot on the 4th, and one on the 5th, and today, I think my period’s getting ready to start. It may be a half-assed one, but I think that by tomorrow I’ll have enough of a period to drain the soreness from my chest. Thank God!

I’m pretty bloated right now and I guess you could say I’m watery too. I didn’t go over 1000 calories yesterday, yet today I’m up to 111 pounds.

I don’t know how long I’ll give the doctor to contact me before I contact her, but we’ll see. I don’t know why I even bother. I know what I want. I know what’s meant to be, so why put myself through more hell? I got my questions answered, as far as I’m concerned. I have a bum uterus. Time to move on. Time to follow God’s plans for me. Just like I have all along, and just like everyone else in this world does.

If there was just one more thing, I’d change about this new rat cage, I’d take out those solid plastic floors and put wire floors in. That way the duties would fall to the bottom, and I wouldn’t have to worry about sawdust. We may as well take these Plexiglas strips out Tom wasted his time and money putting in, cuz they’re still making a mess, kicking sawdust out all over the place. I think an all-wire cage would look better, too.

It fucking figures that my shows didn’t get taped last night. That’s another common VCR problem I’ve had - it doesn’t record anything. Why do electronic things only work half of the time for me? Anyway, I’m not gonna play VCR hit or miss. If I’m up on Tuesdays between 7:00-9:00 PM I’ll watch the shows live if they’re on.

Later…

Tom was right, and so were my vibes. It’s not that this thing of Donna’s is illegal or anything complicated. It’s that it doesn’t get me anywhere. As Tom and I figured, I can’t get appointments set up cuz either the person who handles that is out, or they’re just not interested. The work is also pretty boring. I rather make dolls, even if it’s not good money! But I said I’d try it out and I did. It would’ve been an OK job to do if it could be done, though, and Donna would’ve been a nice person to do business with, but oh well. You can’t make something work that’s not meant to be. I hope Andy won’t let this influence his decision to ever make appointments for her, cuz what may not work out for one person, may work out for another.

Tom got our new digital camera! He says it’s not gonna be a complicated deal to use and that it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. All I want to do is take pictures, put them on the computer where I want them, and that’s basically it.

Later…

The white car just pulled out from next door. I never even heard it pull in in the first place. Guess the bitch will be back anytime now. Tom says the storms have let up.

Fucking cat. He’s so fucking weird! He won’t come in and eat unless someone’s in here with him, and you practically have to invite him over to his bowl. If you just open the door and walk away, he sometimes just sits there and whines, rather than eats. If you let him in, then go right outside yourself, he’ll just stay at the door whining. He can’t even walk by himself to his fucking bowl and eat! Why do I always attract such weird cases? At least he’s not into things and being all destructive like Shadow was.

Now here’s something totally shocking, that I didn’t sense, and that’s absolutely wonderful. I haven’t heard the collies. I noticed how quiet they were yesterday. So yesterday and today I haven’t heard them. Are they there? Are they just being unusually quiet? Or did someone finally get fed up and kill them? If someone killed them, they’d be over here blaming me, so I doubt that. Maybe someone took legal action against all the barking, though, but I don’t know. It’s been great. I love being able to go out back and not have to listen to their deafening barking bounce off of those block walls. The dogs would sound like they were just over the wall in the freeloader’s yard when they’d go off, and any dog barking in the freeloader’s yard is like, oh my fucking God! It’s like it’s right in front of your face. It’s too soon to say for sure what the scoop is, but if they’re gone, I hope it’s at least till we’re out of here! I hope they don’t come back. Or two new dogs to replace them.

I wish to hell I wouldn’t have to have such long drawn-out PMS like this! Why do I have to spot for a handful of days first? Can’t I just get my period normally and be done with it? This is two extra days of the backaches, the water, the bloating, and the pre-cramps.

Initially, I was gonna wait till February to call the doctor if I hadn’t heard from her, and I asked Tom if he thought that’d be too long. He said he felt it’d be too long and suggested the end of January. Maybe I’ll shoot for Lisa’s birthday, which is the 20th. Although, what can she tell me? She can only tell me what I already know. Even if they could fix me, and even if I were willing to pay the price to be fixed, and even if I could handle the fixing, went back to wanting a kid, and was made so I could conceive, then did conceive, God would only make me miscarry that child, so what’s the point? He’s not gonna allow me to get into anything I can’t handle or that isn’t a part of his plan for me.

Later…

They’re there. Yeah, I knew the absence of the collies was too good to be true. They were just having a quiet spell. As soon as I heard the school bus, I ran out back knowing that the kids usually set the dogs off when they go down the back alley. Sure enough, they went off.

I didn’t sense the dogs leaving like I would normally sense something like that. If there had been any money to make with this appointment-making thing, I’d have sensed that too. I do sense I’ll have my period by tomorrow. Thank God!

Tom also got me a faster modem, which God knows I could use.

Later…

Now that was weird. I happened to have stepped up to the window in time to see the white car come in. Not the typical white car, but one with blond hair in it. I knew it was the lady from the red pickup right away. Whoever the driver was stayed in the car the whole time cuz I’d hear her talk to the driver as she passed by him. She got out of the car, walked through the carport to the back gate, then apparently had trouble opening it. She walked up the carport, said something to the driver I couldn’t hear, then went and got a chair off the front porch and brought it back to the back gate. She stood up on that to open it and was in the back for about two minutes. She came back out and brought the chair back to the front, said something inaudible as she passed the driver, and got in the car and left. Why would this bitch need two people checking the house? She must be really fucking paranoid!

Later…

Tom just got up with a duty belly and told me his opinion on the freeloaders. He thinks that due to her and her cock being stranded, the white car’s probably showing up daily just to see if she’s back yet, and the blond lady’s probably from the church and came to pull her mail in so it wouldn’t jam up in the slot. Tom said it’s not uncommon to have different locks for your front and back doors, so she probably only has a key to the back door. He said the two minutes fit. That’s about how long it’d take to open the back sliding door and put the mail on a counter or something like that.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5, 1999 Still no jury dismissal notice. I hope they know I’m not going. I don’t do courts. Period. And if I ever do step foot into a courthouse again, it’s gonna be to sue someone for a rather large sum of money. Of course, I hope to hell neither of us is ever fucked over that bad that we’d need to sue like that, cuz usually, that’s why you sue for a large amount of money.

I added more icons to my desktop. For quite a while, I had just one vertical row of icons, but now I have two and a half. I put more things on there that I frequently use.

I woke up two days ago at 108 pounds, yesterday at 109 pounds, and today at 110 pounds. Gotta watch it, I guess.

All I had so far was that little spot yesterday. Am I gonna be a few days late or a week late? So far, I’ve never been more than a week late, except for that time in ‘96 when I spotted for two weeks before getting my period two weeks late. You never know with my screwy periods. I could end up skipping regularly! That’d be nice. Still, maybe my hormones are a little screwy and maybe I am going to have early menopause. I haven’t had as many pre-cramps today, but I sure did yesterday! I could swear my period was starting at times.

As I knew it would, my last vibrator broke. Why are these things so undependable? I don’t think that’s really the case, though. I think I’m just as hexed with these things as I am with other things. When it comes to sexual-related stuff, I’m always hexed. This is the third vibrator that didn’t last very long, but hey, nothing good sexually ever lasts for long when it comes to me if it even comes to me in the first place. I doubt I’ll ever get vibrators again, but if I do, I’m gonna get about four at once and not two since they’re just gonna break on me so soon. Everything breaks on me sooner than it should!

The CD club that Tom and I have used several different times over the years now claims you don’t have to send in monthly selection cards anymore, which was a hassle. You now only send in forms when you want something. I’m sure there’s a catch and I’m sure they’re gonna get pushy and send CDs we didn’t even order to try to push more sales, but we’re gonna go for it anyway. You get to start off with 15 free CDs! You only pay shipping and handling and 40% of the cost of one CD.

Linda has a new album out and I didn’t even know it. Andy didn’t tell me either, so I guess both of us aren’t keeping up with these things as much these days. It’s called We Ran. I hope it’s not as bad as her last English album which had all shitty songs on it. Her second to last Spanish one sucked too, that I didn’t even get her last Spanish one.

Linda’s smartening up as far as her weight goes. Since she’s too fat to really look good on an album cover, she just shows her eyes on this one. So does Gloria on her last one. Gloria still looks much better than Linda. Gloria’s about 120-135 pounds and she’s about 40 years old. Linda’s 50 years old and weighs around 180 pounds.

Tom and I did some errands yesterday. We went to Petco and got green sawdust for the mice (I use white for the rats and pig), alfalfa, food, nibble sticks, another bottle and holder (although it turns out I didn’t need the fucking holder!) and that’s it, cuz they didn’t have the bigger balls. We’ll get one some other time.

Then we went to the bookstore where I got eleven books for $14. I looked more in the movie section, but they were just too predictable. I did get The Guardian, though. The one Norah was in and that I think she looked the best in. Also, one of them is a good book, but it turns out that I already read it.

Lastly, we went to Walgreens where we got a variety of stuff. He got some junk food and some orange juice for his cold. He says it helps him to feel better if he drinks juice. He got some cold stuff, too. We got me that chromium picolinate, which Tom says he read that anyone with diabetes in their family should take. Yeah, leave it to Dureen to still affect me from across the country! He read that they’re still not sure whether or not it controls appetites and causes weight loss. I think it helps with hunger, but it doesn’t help with losing weight.

Got a couple more nail kits. The same design as before - red with black, white-tipped swirls.

Got a steamer too, and it helped to get Patrice’s wrinkles out better than I thought it would. It’s a good thing to have. Especially if you’re a doll collector.

Got some pistachio nuts that I shared with the animals, some filters for the water filter, and other odds and ends.

Later…

I saw the white car with the rack on its trunk next door yesterday at 5:30. However, once again, it’s a ghost town over there. Bill isn’t there, and I haven’t heard any car doors. She could be still in the house since it’s still only just after 10:00, but I get an empty feeling from over there. Well, we’ll see what happens, but I don’t sense she’s moving, and there’s no blasting music coming from over there which would be a moving sign. Unless they were to remain dependent on the city and move from one subsidized house to another, which I can’t see happening, she’s not gonna obey the city’s shut-up commands if she were suddenly detached from them.

The collies have been quieter since the freeloaders have split.

Later…

It looks like one of my guesses about the bitch may be right. I felt she either went to L.A. or Chicago. Well, I think she did go somewhere in the Midwest. And if she did, that’d explain why she’s not back yet. She can’t get back with all the ice storms they’ve been having. The white car only came to check on the house. No wonder there wasn’t a ton of door slamming and no wonder the car wasn’t here long.

Someone with the last name M had to have had this number at one point. You know how we used to get a lot of calls for a Carol M? Well, one just came in looking for a Michelle Marie M in regard to her high school reunion.

Later…

I just talked to Andy and Donna about a potential job for me that’s at home and that’s under the table. Well, supposedly all I have to do is call businesses and try to set up appointments for her to meet with them to sell them legal services and I’d get $10 an appointment. It sounds too easy, though. There’s got to be a catch. I mean, wouldn’t most of these businesses say they weren’t interested, or that they already had services? Anyway, Donna gave me her number and I’ll call her tomorrow either way. I won’t leave her hanging. I’ll give her a yes or a no. If I give her a yes, and I very well might, she’ll be coming over here to give me the list of businesses to call since she has a car, and since Tom will be gone when I get up. She’s gonna have her 2½-year-old with her and that thing’s not coming into this non-baby-proof house to break my dolls and more. They are way too destructive at that age, so she agreed to meet outside the house with me. Anyway, I won’t write anymore about it till I find out more.

Later…

The same white car just pulled in and left shortly after. The sun’s setting now, and once it gets dark I’ll be able to tell if the bitch is over there by if there are lights on, but I doubt it. These trips with the white car have just been way too quiet. Whenever the bitch gets picked up or dropped off, there’s a whole slew of door-slamming, but not this time. No unpacking sounds. I haven’t seen anyone or heard any voices, and that bitch has a loudmouth. This car is quietly coming and going with just one door slam. Guess it’s just one person. There’s been no music, so she’s not moving. Thank God. I never thought I’d want her to stick around this bad!

MONDAY, JANUARY 4, 1999 Destiny has arrived. Yup, still as sterile as a doorknob and still as psychic as can be in that department. Thank fucking God! Of course, I can’t just get my period normally. I have to spot 3-4 days before getting a half-assed flow.

Tom got in about an hour ago and he just went to bed. I’m gonna get him up at 10:30, then we’re gonna go to Walgreens, Petco, and the bookstore.

Later…

I was just checking out my teeth in the mirror and could see what I felt last night. When the teeth move, you suddenly notice it. You’ll feel them with your tongue day after day, and then just suddenly, you’ll notice a difference. Well, last night I noticed another area in the bottom teeth that’s shifted. Of all the bottom teeth that are crooked, there are only five. Three of these five teeth are close to where they’re supposed to be and at this rate, it’s hard to believe it’ll take a whole year, now ten more months, to straighten these teeth. Maybe the next time I see Melanie on February 1st, she can give me more of an accurate time frame as to when the top braces will come off.

Tom says there are sick people where he works, but just like with his last cold, I’m wondering about Shiny. He sneezed a couple of times a few days ago and I promised to kick him right out of the house if he sneezed again, but he didn’t. Could he be giving Tom colds? I don’t know. It seems inevitable that Tom gets so many colds regardless of whether we have a cat or not. He sneezed again today, but only once.

Where are these freeloaders? I cannot believe this bitch isn’t back yet! If she’s back, she came in after I went to bed. Well, we’ll see if Bill shows up, but I have an empty feeling coming from over there. It’s been great not having to listen to the door slamming that goes on over there every day, but shouldn’t this bitch be back by now? I never thought I’d be getting antsy for this bitch to return! We need to be the ones to move first and I need to make her a certain delivery!

Anyway, I’d say that bitch definitely went with its cock to its cock’s parents’ house. It’s obvious that the bitch’s mother is dead, and that the cock’s parents are out of state. Bill’s the only parent figure I see visiting. If the bitch’s mom existed, even if it existed out of state, wouldn’t we see it come to visit from time to time? The cock’s parents probably couldn’t afford to come visit when it lived here, so that’s why he and its bitch went to them. I don’t know if the cock’s parents are really old, married, or what, but they’re in someplace like L.A. or Chicago. Another way I can tell she’s with the cock, is because if she had taken off herself, the cock would be coming over here daily to check on the house, do its laundry, etc.

Today’s the day we find out what our stock options are. Tom says it won’t be till the middle of the month before he’ll be more sure about us moving in June, or unsure. I don’t have a good vibe about this, nor do I have a bad one. I still think we’ll move in June. Definitely between June and August. I just hope those freeloaders are here to see us do it!

We found the reason why Shiny’s been limping. We thought it was some sort of arthritis at first, but it appears his claws are fucked up. One of his back paws has claws overlapping.

I threw the old foam mattress out back and rolled it up making a sort of a muff. He really likes to nestle in it during those cold nights and early mornings.

Later…

Andy left a message saying he got my “nasty” letter, which was well written, and he wasn’t mad over it. He selfishly admits, though, that that’s great that he can eat on the phone with me and that I accept him as he is because as I myself said, he’s gonna do the opposite of what people ask of him, anyway.

So in other words, what he’s saying is - don’t ask me A cuz I’ll just do B. That’s how he’s always been! I do accept him as he is and I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to control or change him, but I still think that people should comply with the wishes of their loved ones as long as they’re not too much or unrealistic. If they’re simple little requests that were asked of them and not demanded of them, what’s wrong with compromising? Andy can’t even do that, but we all have our selfish points. Still, if he wants a successful relationship, he’s gonna have to learn to compromise.

Anyway, he says he wasn’t even eating when he left that last message to me. He was chewing on his nails. Whatever. He also says that eating on the phone is a regular habit of his. Well, to each their own, but how does he enjoy his food that way, and how does he not choke? Also, if he’s so hung up on youth and thinness, especially thinness, why does he eat like a pig?

I sent him another letter as a little compensation for the last one. This one’s more of our old kind of letters without the lectures. I enclosed a few notes too, from the bunch I made up for him for whenever the fuck I see him, and put some pictures on the back of the envelope, but he’s too stoned to really want to do much of anything, although he did say something about helping out his friend Donna at a company she works at. Something about making appointments. I’ll have to ask him more about it. He didn’t really get into it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3, 1999 Another day off from the sales calls, then I’ll have six days of them calling constantly.

I went to bed at around 6:00 last night and from what Tom’s said, who stood up a little later, the freeloaders still aren’t back yet. They’ll be back today then. Thank God they waited till Sunday. I was hoping they’d come back today and not yesterday or the day before. So, lots of door-slamming today! Not only are they gonna slam doors as they usually do, but they’re gonna slam them a little harder than normal, so they can really let me know they’re back.

I was really watery yesterday and took a water pill. I woke up at 108 pounds.

Later…

Today we put the 2” high strips of Plexiglas around the base of each floor in the rat’s cage. This should help keep sawdust in better than it would’ve otherwise. It was really gross how they’d piss on the bare floors before. They need something to absorb their piss.

Tom said Evie lost a lot of weight. That’s not what she told me when we last talked, but good for her.

Yesterday, there were some weekend bangers, but nothing too bad. I saw the little girl in the rental, along with some teenage girl, roller-skating down the street and in their driveway. Tom said he saw many people out and about yesterday as he was coming home. It was a beautiful day. A beautiful and polluted day.

I still can’t believe that any kids at the rental haven’t waltzed on over to play ball at the freeloader’s. It’s obvious they aren’t home, but kids don’t need someone to not be home in order to just go play on their property. Even more so, I can’t believe the collie kids haven’t played in months. Where are they, anyway? Those kids are wild. I usually hear them out front or out back, but not lately.

We had sex earlier. It was predictable and typical. Of course, it didn’t help that he’s got another one of his fucking colds. I’m sorry he doesn’t feel well, but God, I’m so fucking sick of these colds of his! Every 3-4 fucking months! He said it’s because he works with people who go to work sick, which people don’t normally do. Yeah, leave it to me to have my husband working with a bunch of freaks. Well, can’t someone talk to these people? They should make it a general rule that if you’re sick, you should stay home. You’re not only risking making the people you work with sick, but you’re risking making their families sick too, but that’s our selfish society for you. So now I have to deal with his cold too, and have our lives put on hold for the millionth time. Either someone needs something, something needs fixing, or he’s sick. God, it gets old! I haven’t had a cold since last January, so I’m hoping that I get as lucky as I was with his last few colds and don’t get this one. I’m not the one here, though, with an immune system as weak as a child’s or an old person's. I used to be that way, but what is this? Now that I get over my catching one cold after another, I have to live with someone who does just that?

I prayed to God twice to help take away this constant anger I have almost every day. I could be doing whatever, then suddenly, I want to kill Larry or Bill or someone. The last thing I want is to be angry at these subhuman losers for the rest of my life. They’re in my past now, and I want the anger to be a part of the past, too. God, life isn’t fair! I mean, I know these people aren’t going through this. They don’t have me suddenly pop in their heads and get so angry that it eats at them. Why me? Why is it always me? If it isn’t, I sure feel like it is. Since I have to give in order to get, I tried bargaining with God and agreed to accept the fact that these people invade my dreams constantly, if he’d just curb my constant anger.

Two nights ago I prayed to God to show me in my dreams a sign as to whether or not Measles was alive, and if there’s any way possible, that I don’t see or sense, that I could be wrong about being destined to remain childless, like it or not. This stemmed from my asking for his guidance once again, as far as the sterility issue is concerned. I told him that I still don’t want a child, accept his decision to keep me childless, and will do the right thing and not fight him should I ever find myself wanting a child again someday. However, is there a chance I could be wrong about God’s intentions? I don’t see how I could be wrong any more than I see Tom killing 20 people, but I asked for a baby-related dream if I were wrong. I also asked for a dream with Measles in it if she were still alive.

That night I had no dreams pertaining to these things. The next night, last night, I did. I did not dream of Measles, but I did have a baby-related dream. It was weird, though. It wasn’t about me or someone else getting pregnant or having a child. It was about me thinking about how I could never handle childbirth. On top of it all, the dream took place in the second house we had in Longmeadow, and guess who was downstairs while I was upstairs in the dream? You got it. Good old Dureen and Arthur.

Upon waking up, I realized that if God was showing me anything at all, he wasn’t showing me a kid is meant to be. He was reminding me of one of the reasons it’s not meant to be. Makes perfect sense to me.

Tom was telling me earlier, after I asked him what he thought, if he thought my trying to be a singer, if I still wanted that, would interfere with our marriage. He agreed it would probably interfere with our married life since I’d still have to perform in a band somewhat full-time. Not that I could get into a band, though! I’m sure if I did, they’d make some excuse later on as to why they had to disband the band. What happened back east - that was certainly God’s way of saying it definitely wasn’t meant to be! The signs were that obvious.

Anyway, if he can agree that my trying to be a singer would get in the way of our relationship, how can he feel that a child wouldn’t? It’d interfere a million times more.

What I wonder is this - God wouldn’t let me be a singer, God wouldn’t let me be a mother, so will he let me be a doll maker? I hope so, although this one’s quite material in nature, and I don’t feel the need/desire to do it as bad as I once did with the other things.

The Crib didn’t go over very well with me, so now I’m trying Life Penalty.

There goes some desperate soul with its bass pounding away.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 2, 1999 Still no freeloaders. Not yet, anyway.

Tom’s working now. You know how they have to work during the daytime on a Saturday at the start of every month, so in he went at 8 AM. He’ll be home around 3:00, then we’re gonna have our cumless weekend screw.

Tom and I were talking earlier about the difference between a resolution, a goal, and a dream. To me, a resolution is something that’s within your control that you hope to change such as quitting smoking, losing weight, or eating better. A goal is something you hope for that’s not unrealistic like hoping to move by June, hoping to get into making/selling dolls. A dream is something you wish for that’s impossible. That’s why they call it a dream when it comes to things like wishing I was tall, and how I used to wish to be a singer and a mom.

My current goal is to be able to have a little more control over my schedule. Maybe not as much control as most have, but still, it’d be nice to be able to keep a schedule most of the time. That way, I’d feel like I had more doors open. I could make plans, for example, to go to Vegas on a particular date that was months away. Now, I can’t do that, cuz I don’t know what the hell my schedule will be months from now. I know, though, that this is just a dream, and I accept it.

Another dream of mine is to be able to sleep with my husband. If he woke me up once or twice a month, that’d be fine, but I wish I could sleep with him most of the time. Again, just a dream, I know it, and I accept it.

My current goals are to move and to get into making/selling dolls.

I don’t really have any resolutions this year. Just to wear my leg weights as often as I can, although I still don’t see how the hell they’re gonna change how my legs look, but I’ll give it six months or so.

I wish I could say that my resolution was to quit eating two bites a day, for the most part, eat normally, and let my middle-aged fat come on, but I’m not ready for that yet. I think forty is a good age to let go and that’s when I probably will. I can’t keep working this hard and dealing with hours and hours of hunger every day for the rest of my life!

Although I’m very watery right now, I ended up waking up at the same thing I woke up at yesterday - 111½. That’s because that hamburger and fries ended up being all I really had. I had some bean soup, a part of a chicken TV dinner, but that was it. I didn’t stuff myself all day.

Later…

I dusted, vacuumed, and changed the mice’s cages. Maybe that’ll help with the tightness I’ve been having. I fucking slaved my ass off, gained weight, and went through hell to quit smoking. Yet half the fucking time, I still feel like I did when I smoked! Thanks, God!

I’m having rotten book luck this time around. Now I’m trying out The Crib and hopefully, it’ll be better.

Will the doctor call me this week? I wonder. And what will happen from here? I know my problem lies within my uterus, I know that guy that did the HSG test played down the severity of my uterus problem, I know I don’t want a kid, I know one’s not meant to be, so am I really that curious to take this any further and see what’ll happen next? Most of me doesn’t think so, but I’m not gonna make any decisions right now.

We were going to go to the store today after he got off work. I need to go to the pet store to get another bottle for the rats and a few other things, but we’re gonna go on Monday instead when it’s less crowded.

Oh, fuck! If there’s anything good about holidays, besides being able to spend more time with Tom, it’s that I get a wonderful break from the fucking non-stop sales calls, but they’re back. Tom said today’s the day they’d start up again, too. Well, he was right. That’s the second call that just came in, so I’m sure there’ll be at least four more.

I ran out of patience with Andy and wrote him a letter expressing my feelings and all that since I’m better with words on paper than I am with words out of my mouth. I know it won’t do me any good. Andy’s a stubborn, selfish person in his own way, who’ll mostly do what he wants to do, but keeping it to myself and holding it in was getting a little tough to do. I basically told him what I’ve said in these journals - that I didn’t think I was making any ridiculous requests or him, nor that many, and how it makes a person think they don’t give a shit when they don’t do what a friend asks of them. Also, I asked these favors from him. I didn’t demand. Once again, if he can’t handle the little things, what about the bigger things? What if we were going away for a week and he was the only one available to feed the animals? Would he really feed them? Or would he just say he would? And of course, I know I can expect him to counter-lecture me and to get all defensive. In the last letter I sent him, he said he was too baked to remember. Why is it that baked or not, I really feel he’ll remember this one since it’ll probably piss him off even if it’s just a little? It’s human nature to remember more of what’s important to us, but I’m starting to wonder if his memory problem is a little more selective than he lets on. He forgets the things he doesn’t care about or care to listen to.

As I told him, though, I wasn’t gonna lecture him in the way that Marla said she did about his staying home and getting baked. If he wants to stay home and get baked, that’s his choice. I’m not gonna tell him how to live his own life. He bitches that he’s such a loser who can’t get ahead in life, yet I never see him really try to move on. Even he admits he doesn’t really try. Therefore, as long as he’s not willing to move on and try his best, he won’t stand a chance of finding a decent job/love and it’ll be his loss. If he does all he can to sober up, get a good job that he keeps, meet better, cleaner people but doesn’t succeed, that’d be different. Then it’d just really not be meant to be for him, but he then would’ve at least tried!

That’s the third sales call. Just three or four more to go!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 1999 Starting my writing early this year! Just backed up my stuff and completed my subindex for 1998. Well, the last two months of 1998, anyway.

Tom had to take Mom to the doctor yesterday cuz her feet swelled up. Actually, I think Mary brought her, but he was at the house doing things. She didn’t have to be admitted to the hospital, so that’s good.

I crashed around 3 PM and had Tom get me up at 9:30. That way I could have a half-hour to have coffee and wake up a bit before watching the ball go down in Times Square for the last time. They’re gonna be making a new ball next year. Tom couldn’t get a station covering Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, but MTV was there, so we watched that. It was 10º there!

At 11 PM our time, I went back to bed till 3 AM. I was surprised to have slept past midnight our time since people tend to shoot guns and firecrackers off, but all we heard was a few minutes of Mexican music about a block away just before 10:00.

I don’t understand how after shitting twice yesterday, eating around 1000 calories, not eating for twelve hours, how I could wake up just one pound lighter at 111 pounds, but that’s just my barely moving metabolism for you.

I had massive pre-cramping today and yesterday, but still no spots yet.

I’m now reading On My Honor.

I forgot to mention that Pam’s husband died of a bum liver from alcohol abuse. He asked for it if you ask me.

Andy left a message yesterday and said he was sorry he didn’t acknowledge Ma’s being ill before. That’s nice of him. He also said he was only working at Red Lobster this week. Damn! That’s only a few hours of work! How’s he gonna afford his bills and food, let alone his pot? In Marla’s email to me, she said she was lecturing him about getting a job, rather than staying home and getting wasted. Lecturing him won’t do anyone any good. He doesn’t want to work. He wants to stay home and get stoned.

Marla also sent us a New Year’s greeting card, but I’ll let Tom activate this thing. I don’t want to chance fucking things up.

I typed up a New Year’s card for Tom, as I want to finish off the cards Dureen sent. I even typed up Andy’s birthday card already and typed up about four for Bob.

Here are my predictions for 1999.

We will move this year on approximately June 19th.

The braces will come off this year, both top and bottom (he disagrees with this).

Tom will be at BOA throughout the year.

Tom’s mom will live throughout the year (he disagrees with this).

I don’t see much on doll making, which means it either won’t work out or it’s more towards the year 2000 that it’ll happen. Most likely, it’s still too far away to really see into (he disagrees with this).

Tom may be in a car accident but it could be avoided if he pays attention. If it happens, though, God won’t kill him, thank God! He’ll be OK, save for a few bruises. It’ll be more of an annoyance and a hassle, than anything serious.

I see us having an average two-person income (he disagrees with this).

It will remain just the two of us.

I think we will talk to the doctor who’ll tell me that if I’m fixable, it’ll take major surgery that’ll cost many thousands. Many thousands we don’t really have and that’d stall the move for 2-5 years. So, it won’t be a simple case of hormones or something that I’ll magically outgrow like Tom said. I will refuse any major surgery that may fix me since I do not want a child (he disagrees with this).

The sex will be the usual - on the weekends. We’ll have sex about once a week and he’ll cum 3-4 times this year (he disagrees with this).

I’ll be about 100 pounds on my birthday. I may even reach 100 pounds by this summer (he disagrees with this).

As for my 1998 predictions - I got most of them right, as usual.

I was right when I said he’d still be at BOA, we’d still be here, and his ma would live throughout the year, and I was right about the sex being typical. He came less than I thought he would, though. An all-time low of three squirts for 1998. I sure was wrong about the blacks moving in 1998, but at this point, that’s great. Speaking of them, are they coming back today?

Later…

Tom and I treated ourselves to Jack-n-the-Box. Once again, the hunger was so intense that I just didn’t give a fuck about the weight I’d gain over it. Yeah, I’m pretty watery now too, and am gonna try that chromium picolinate again. It helped curb my hunger before. Now that I have a good diet plan, I’ll see if this will help me stick to it.

New Year’s Day has been a pleasant one, save for a few of society’s desperate using their stereos to cry out their loneliness and ring in the New Year with a little notoriety from the city.

Tom got the rats’ cage up on wheels and man is it tall! It’s just a couple of inches shorter than Tom who’s 5’ 10”. I popped out the shelves, which make up the second, third, and fourth floor, so I could wash them. They were really crapped up with duties and piss! Tom’s gonna put a little Plexiglas around the sides of the shelves and create enough of a base to put sawdust in without them kicking it out. For now, I’ve got them out and they’re all down in the bass on the first floor. It’s plenty big enough even for four rats. I was able to entwine one of the wheels in the side and I stabilized it with bag ties. The bass of the wheel went in between the wires. The other wheel is in the bass along with their burrow and nest, but no one ever really wheels anymore. We’re gonna go out tomorrow to get another water bottle for the top level, and one of those big balls I saw.

I kind of renamed Cutie to Butterscotch with his coloring. He also has one cloudy eye like Piggy did before he died. Is this contagious? Are they all gonna die? God, I hope not! Anyway, Butterscotch doesn’t appear to be in any pain, but we’ll see. Maybe he and the others will be OK.

I asked Tom how he could agree it’ll be just the two of us this year when he’s supposed to believe that what’s wrong with me is minor and that we’ll have a kid. He said because it takes nine months and there are twelve months in a year. Meaning since it’s January, getting fixed and pregnant by March is a wee bit too soon. Well, I hope I’m right about Tom’s subconscious being anti-kid and I hope he’ll always be able to live without one just fine because I absolutely refuse to allow myself to conceive even if God would allow it. I do not want that!

I also don’t want those freeloaders coming back. Not now. It’s too soon. Fortunately, there’s still no sign of them and I hope to hell they come back late on Sunday, but with my luck, they’ll be here prime time tomorrow. Around noon-2:00. If they come back today or tomorrow, though, that would probably mean I’ll have to deal with a three-hour ball game with ten kids participating. I’m gonna have to deal with that shit on MLK Day as it is. I’m sure just about every black ass in the country will make some sort of spectacle of themselves that day. It’s still a miracle that that two-minute ball game those two boys played was all that’s occurred since last - what? April?

Anyway, whenever the hell that bitch does get back, she’ll let me know it. I can only imagine how much door-slamming there’ll be!

Tom’s showing zero desire for sex, but it isn’t the weekend yet.

[shadowsong26fic]

Coming Attractions!

I missed last month due to a Variety of IRL shenanigans (some work-related, some car-related), but it is the first Monday of a new month, so here we are!

I do want to make a quick plug for Galactica Big Bang, which I will be running in the second half of this year. Signups will open in July, and there’ll be more details on that in the not-too-distant future. I have set up an event Discord (which can also be a place for other BSG fans/creatives to hang out as far as I’m concerned), so please feel free to check it out!

And, as usual, I’ll go ahead and do an open question night. My askbox is always open, but I’ll be keeping an eye on it to answer questions tonight. Anything I’ve posted about here on tumblr or on AO3 is fair game. I do accept prompts, but no promises on when I’ll actually get around to filling them (I think I still have some floating around either here or on Dreamwidth that are over a year old, oops...)

Star Wars:

I ended up dropping out of SWBB as a writer--mostly due to the aforementioned IRL stuff, I ended up falling way further behind than I wanted to be. I might have been able to catch up, but it was just. Yeah. Anyway, I am still participating as a beta/mod/offering podfic for the first time, so that should be fun! (I really do love this event, I’ve been doing it for...this is either my fifth or sixth year, lol. So dropping out was Not Easy, but it was the right call to make so...yeah, there it is.)

I am going to hold on to what I did get written/that concept (which is--Anakin never ended up in the Jedi Order; he and Ahsoka run into each other about halfway through the Clone War and team up for an Adventure) for next year, unless I come up with something I like more in the intervening time. Or I might just finish it outside any event if I really get Inspired, but we’ll see.

I swear I haven’t abandoned Precipice. I know I keep saying that and not actually getting any updates out, but...you know, that fic/AU is important to me and I refuse to let it die, so I want to get it updated At Some Point. That being said, I’ve gotten...like...three separate comments on fics for entirely unrelated fandoms asking me to update it??? Which. Not Cool. Not really getting me enthused for working on it. Why do people do that. (in one case, it was for a project with a co-creator; and in another, that was the only comment i got on the fic in question so i’m. pretty mad about it, lol.)

Let’s see, what else is actively going on here...Obianidala has been one of my ships for the Year of the OTP project. It’s been fun; I’m particularly proud of what I wrote for them in March.

...yeah, I think that’s it for this fandom. There’s other stuff drifting around in the back of my head, as is pretty much always the case, but nothing I’m working on in any concrete sense. our faces like a mirror is definitely still there, for example, especially since Bo-Katan has been in the news lately; crossovers (BSG or going back to Jedi of Valdemar) are always fun...but nothing I’m actively planning to do Actual Work on at the moment.

BSG:

Well, there’s Galactica Big Bang coming up XD I don’t know if I’ll write for it since Running the event will already be a lot; especially since I’m going to offer to pitch in with podfic and/or fanmixes (if I decide to count those as art) if we have enough of a mismatch in terms of numbers there. But a few things have been floating around as possibilities in my head if I do decide to participate--maybe doing something with the Selkie AU I posted for February for the Year of the OTP; maybe something related to the AU I’m going to poke at for this month (which is something I’ve been really looking forward to since I decided to do this event). I’ve also been thinking a lot about Zarek lately; might be interesting to write about him (either the events leading to his original arrest; maybe in parallel with the mutiny and/or his arrest on New Caprica?) Anyway, I’ll see how things go/how many people sign up and what might be feasible.

(I mean, I do at Some point want to get back to the Selkie AU and what I’ve nicknamed the Backup Plans AU at some point, so those will probably pop up again eventually whether or not I write them out for an Event.)

I am also working on The Other Battlestar. Last time I did one of these, I did a brief blurb on some OCs that will be involved for Plot Reasons. I’m...genuinely not sure when I’ll start posting but at This point, my goal is to do that before signups for GBB open in July, so, wish me luck XD

(Seriously, though, is there an actual convention for tagging a Cylon OC who uses their model’s base/shared name?)

Again, crossovers/etc. pretty continuously percolate in the back of my head, but none I’m actively planning to write down. ...not yet, anyway. So those are the main things I’m working at now.

Original Fic:

Well, again, Year of the OTP has me doing three ships from my original stuff, too. I’m glad I decided to do that; it’s gotten me to get more actual text down for my original stuff, and since one of the three couples I’m using I haven’t done much with, it’s a good way to explore the two of them.

Castlevania:

Incinctus is another one I swear isn’t dead, really. I haven’t quite gotten past the wall I hit with the next chapter...maybe if/when I rewatch the series (at some point before Nocturne actually comes out), I’ll get back to it?

AtLA:

My roommate has been rewatching the series again, and since it is my other other forever fandom, that’s brought some of my old fic ideas drifting back to the surface. Not necessarily in an ‘I’m going to actually write this’ kind of way, but also not...really ruling out the possibility? I did have a few I was working on a while ago, but we’ll see how that goes.

Link to my masterpost of Year of the OTP fills, if anyone wants to check those out.

...I think that’s pretty much what’s going on on my end! Like I said, Open Question Night, come hang out with us on the GBB server if you’re into that!

[f1]

Alpine introducing ride height tool and visible upgrade at first race | 2023 F1 season

Alpine will have two updates ready for its new A523 in time for the first race of the season next week. The team which finished fourth in the constructors championship last year is seeking to narrow the gap to the top three teams this year. Technical director Matt Harman said one of the updates it will run in the Bahrain Grand Prix should help it do that. “There’ll be some visual differences [at] the first race,” he told media including RaceFans in Bahrain today. “We’ve got quite a nice upgrade going on for the first race and hopefully that’ll help with our quest to get closer to that third position, if not being in that position.” Harman said the team will also have a new tool intended to help it optimise the car’s ride height. Teams can significantly increase the performance of their floors by running their cars as low and stiff as possible, providing they can prevent a recurrence of the porpoising which many experienced last year. Interactive: Compare all 10 F1 cars of 2023 side-by-side Alpine’s car was seen porpoising at times during this week’s test, which Harman said was a consequence of the team deliberately running stiff suspension. “We’ve exercised the envelope,” he said. “I’m sure you’ve seen some of the footage, we’ve run quite stiff. That works in some conditions, we need to exercise that. “On this track it doesn’t tend towards being very, very stiff, although there are some circuits during the season where we’re going to be able to optimise and capitalise on that, hence the test. But I think we’ve learnt a lot from that. Some of the tools we’ve got, specifically on the rear end of the car, are allowing us to capitalise on that learning. So the gain is important.” Advert | Become a RaceFans supporter and go ad-free Another update coming for next weekend will allow Alpine to better optimise their ride height, he said. “The ride height of the car, we all know, is a key performance differentiator. We need to make sure we exercise that as well. “We’ve got some technology in the car that allows us to run it a little bit lower than maybe we would have done last year so we need to make sure we try that here. We’re going to be trying that for the first time in probably practice for the first race. So it’s been interesting.” Last year Alpine tended to bring upgrades which were smaller than those of their rivals, but did so more frequently, introducing new parts at almost every race. Harman said they may change that approach this year. “It may not be at every race because I think as the cars are evolving they’re becoming more integrated and therefore the packages that you need to bring need to be a little bit more widespread. “But fundamentally, there will be an attempt to try and develop something at every race, even if it’s not bodywork or things that you see visually, but things that you maybe can’t see that will give us lap time. So that’s our intent. “As we said before, we were quite proud of that last year and we’ve got the same resources, we’ve got the same finances, if not slightly better so it’s just down to us to get through that work, really.” Bringing the F1 news from the source RaceFans strives to bring its readers news directly from the key players in Formula 1. We are able to do this thanks in part to the generous backing of our RaceFans Supporters. By contributing £1 per month or £12 per year (or the equivalent in other currencies) you can help cover the costs involved in producing original journalism: Travelling, writing, creating, hosting, contacting and developing. We have been proudly supported by our readers for over 10 years. If you enjoy our independent coverage, please consider becoming a RaceFans Supporter today. As a bonus, all our Supporters can also browse the site ad-free. Sign up or find out more via the links below: Advert | Become a RaceFans supporter and go ad-free 2023 F1 season Browse all 2023 F1 season articles via RaceFans - Independent Motorsport Coverage https://www.racefans.net/

[formerly-evil]

I posted 16,058 times in 2022

116 posts created (1%)

15,942 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@liquidlikecats

@crowreys-wormstache

@mrhelicoprion

@mothmossghost

@deathsmallcaps

I tagged 1,774 of my posts in 2022

#toh spoilers - 64 posts

#the owl house spoilers - 39 posts

#eurovision - 37 posts

#the owl house - 30 posts

#heartstopper spoilers - 28 posts

#toh - 22 posts

#watch this later you idiot i know you want to - 21 posts

#hezky česky - 19 posts

#oh - 17 posts

#fanart - 16 posts

Longest Tag: 134 characters

#i wont initiate a hug. i suck at giving gifs. i mean ‘i love you’ but all i can say is ‘you’re so cool’ or ‘your outfit looks so good’

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I apologize for the person I'm gonna become tomorrow evening.

97 notes - Posted May 9, 2022

#4

The brainrot is very strong today

110 notes - Posted April 22, 2022

#3

Not to be queer on main but i really really really REALLY hope that when pride month comes, we will get another batch of pride cards in Valorant

I don’t care if the aromantic one wont be there. If there’ll simply be poly, agender, intersex and all the ones that don’t apply to me. I just think it’d be super awesome to see more added and then people being confused as to which means what

146 notes - Posted April 4, 2022

#2

Also you know what?

I want Czech Republic to send a song in czech next year

Controversial statement? Maybe

Lake Malawi was great, Cristo eeehhhh, Domi was okay

But i want to force europeans to learn few phrases in czech

Or like just one with a czech verse or the chorus

Please

It would be funny

156 notes - Posted May 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

You know what? Fuck you *undeebys your eeby*

1,481 notes - Posted January 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[afairywithacrown]

Just a piece of paper

Tsukishima x reader

warnings: None! just a little cursing probably. Overall just Fluff

Watching the girls putting two love letters into Tsukishima’s locker let down your hopes.

You know he gets a lot of attention normally, it’s natural he gets a lot of love letters on valentines day. Somehow now the piece of paper you put your heart in is not that important anymore, it could get lost in those two other ones. God knows how many other girls had leave their letters and how many would do it through the day.

Trying to walk away with a knot in your throat, you bumped into something that wasn’t there before.

“Sorry-“

“What you have there?” Of course, life has to be cruel with you.

“Nothing, just a piece of paper” Your eyes met up with his and the sweat in your hands increased notoriously.

“It has my name on it. Is for me?” A sadistic grin appeared in his face letting you know he knew exactly what was happening.

“Well… yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s for you”

“Then what is it?” Tsukishima said persistently.

“Just a piece of paper with your name on it.”

“So, i assume there’ll be no problem if i take a look.” His hands held the letter softly, before taking it out of your hands you pressed it against your chest, and just assuming your cheeks were bright red, you spoke in a nervous tone trying to explain yourself.

“It’s a love letter… from a girl. She asked me to give it to you” Your excuse would’ve been believable only if you hadn’t been so nervous about having it in the first place.

Your reaction caught him off guard and after the initial shock, he came back to his original condescending face.

“Oh, in that case, why would you try to hide it from me?”

Not having an answer for it he continued when you looked away.

“Are you jealous? You don’t want me to look at it?”

“I'm not jealous, don’t be stupid.”

“Then can I have it? After all, is for me.” Head slightly tilted trying to get to your sight and eyes looking into yours on what you assume he reads your mind and knows already what exactly does the letter says. Holding it making it wrinkle a little you finally give up and hand it to him.

“Thanks, when I'm done reading it, I’ll tell you what I think so you can… tell her.”

“I don’t really care what you think about the letter, my job was only delivering it to you”

He kept it in his hands for a couple of seconds before walking away in the other direction not saying a word. Your lungs let a big amount of breath you were holding without noticing it.

His reaction after having it in his hands was the expected, he was teasing you, of course, he knew it was from you. Probably was the most gentle way he could’ve rejected you without breaking your heart so hard.

Tomorrow will be an old story and you will forget about it like your little crush was supposed to many months ago.

Opening your locker to get the books for your next class you noticed a white piece of paper you couldn’t remember leaving there. With curiosity you took it and after analyzing the blank envelope you realized it was a love letter. Not a normal one people leave, no name or little hearts drawn in it, just what it seems to be another piece of paper in it.

Looking around trying to find the responsible, and maybe thinking it could’ve been a mistake, someone who thought this was someone else’s locker, your eyes met up with his.

Your letter still in hand and a soft smile uncharacteristic of him. Looking back to the mysterious paper in your hands you could’ve never imagined he could feel the same about you.